Homestuck the Novel
by HALLOFdoor
Summary: All of Homestuck from Act 1 through [S] GAME OVER. Discontinued.
1. Book 1 Chapter 1: John Egbert

Homestuck: The Novel

Andrew Hussie: The Author (everything belongs to him)

Morn: The Adaptor (I claim none of this story as my own)

TOC

* * *

Book 1: The Note Desolation Plays

Book 2: Insane Corkscrew Haymakers

Book 3: Flight of the Paradox Clones

Book 4: Hivebent

Book 5: The Scratch

Book 6: Alterniabound

Book 7: God Tier

Book 8: Trolls and Ancestors

Book 8.5: Doc Scratch

Cascade

Book 9: Through Broken Glass

Book 10: Your Shit is Wrecked

Book 11: Nobles

Book 12: Cherubs and Dream Bubbles

Book 13: Void

Book 14: Dead

Book 15: Of Gods and Tricksters

Book 16: ACT 6. ACT 6.

Book 16 (continued): Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 1

Book 17: ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 2

Book 17 (continued): Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 2

Book 17 (continued): ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 3

GAME OVER

Note: This story has been discontinued as of 5/6/16.

* * *

Book 1: The Note Desolation Plays

Chapter 1: John Egbert

A young boy stood in his room, looking around contentedly and with an expression of pure excitement apparent upon his face. It was his birthday, April 13th, and, although he had been given life 13 years before, it was only today that he would receive a name. On his door was a poster that read "SBURB Beta" and had a logo of a green house of some sort on it. He squinted at it through his glasses. Hmm…

The boy stood and awaited his name. Zoosmell Pooplord? No, too ornery. John Egbert? Sure. The boy smiled in appreciation at his new name and looked around his room.

The first thing he noted was the sheer number of cakes in his room. Well, there really only were two, but John made a big deal of the cakes and made it seem as though there were more than there were in reality. Putting the cakes out of his mind for the moment, John thought about his interests. He liked really terrible movies, programming computers (although he wasn't very good at it), paranormal lore, and magic. In fact, he was an aspiring magician. And he liked to play games.

John attempted to remove his arms from his dresser drawer before realizing that his arms were in his magic chest. He turned to look at the chest. It was white, and covered in yellow stars and a crescent moon. One of the cakes was on it; the other was on his dresser.

John opened the chest and, using his real arms, took out his fake arms that he used for hilarious antics. He then promptly captchalogued them in his sylladex, a thing that he didn't understand just yet. I mean, what's a "sylladex"? And how do you "captchalogue" something?

In any case, John looked into his chest and inspected the contents. He kept an array of humorous and mystical artifacts, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a skilled magician or a cunning prankster. …John was neither of those things.

The so-called "artifacts" included: a pair of fake arms (captchalogued in John's sylladex), a pair of trick handcuffs, a stunt sword, a magician's hat, a pair of beagle puss glasses, several smoke pellets and blood capsules, and a copy of _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_ as well as a copy of _Wise Guy_ by Harry Anderson. John stowed the smoke pellets on one of the captchalogue cards in his sylladex. He still didn't understand what that meant, but at least he was getting the hang of the vernacular. It was at this point that John realized that he still had two empty captchalogue cards left.

John decided to equip the fake arms. It wasn't certain if the verb "equip" was exactly copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which John dwelled, but it didn't seem to matter anyway, seeing as John couldn't equip the fake arms. They were stuck under the card with the smoke pellets in it. That would mean that John would have had to use the smoke pellets first in order to gain access to the arms, which was something that he wasn't exactly keen on doing, as that would have filled up his room with smoke. The reason that John couldn't just equip the arms was that his sylladex's fetch modus was dictated by the logic of a stack structure. He wasn't really ever good at dealing with data structures, finding the concept puzzling and mildly irritating. Maybe in the future, he could advance more practical fetch modi for his sylladex with a bit more experience, but for the time being, he had to settle with the obnoxious stack data structure in use.

John examined his Problem Sleuth poster, wondering if it was at all possible to get any more hard boiled than this. He doubted it. On the right of the poster was an empty space for another one to go. John simply hadn't received the perfect one yet. There was a note on the dresser, which John read eagerly.

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON._

_I AM SO PROUD OF YOU._

It was from his father, smelling of the rich aromas of fatherly aftershave and cologne. The note was sitting next to a rolled-up poster. John was sure it was perfect for his wall, especially because it was from his Dad. John captchalogued the poster, wondering what could possibly be on it. He first needed a way to hang it up on the wall. Otherwise he wouldn't be able to see it.

Thus, John looked around for a hammer and some nails. He mysteriously found them in a place they hadn't been before, taking the hammer. This filled up his sylladex, which consisted of the fake arms, the smoke pellets, the poster, and now the hammer. That meant that John couldn't captchalogue the nails… or could he? He figured it couldn't hurt to try.

John captchalogued the four nails into the top card of his sylladex. The fake arms were pushed out of his sylladex, landing unceremoniously in a heap on the ground.

"Oh well," he said. "I guess it doesn't really matter. They're probably completely useless anyway and I don't want to do that again." The reason for this was that, of course, the smoke pellets were in the last card. In any case, John felt that he had gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing he did, whatever it was, would certainly be exceptionally meaningful.

Except for the fact that the next thing that John considered doing was not exceptionally meaningful, nor could it ever be construed as exceptionally meaningful in any way. He decided to squawk like an imbecile and shit on his desk. The only problem would be that that would be a stupid idea - the most stupid idea John had had all week, in fact. STUPID STUPID STUPID! And yet he looked at the polished surface of his desk. It beckoned to him.

As a distraction, John merged the top two cards of his sylladex. He didn't know he could do that! However, that allowed them to be used together, for what it was worth. And it was worth quite a lot apparently, because now John could hang up the poster. He used the hammer and nails in conjunction with the card beneath it to hang the poster to the wall. The _Little Monsters_ poster was glorious. Exactly what John had wanted. His old man had really come through this time.

John looked over at his _Con Air_ poster. _Put the bunny back in the box. I said, put the bunny back in the box. Why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box? _Greatest, fucking movie of all time! John looked at his next poster, which was of _Deep Impact_. Wonderful movie. Morgan Freeman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis. _OCEANS RISE. CITIES FALL. HOPE SURVIVES. _Wow. Films about impending apocalypse fascinated John. Plus, a black president? Now he'd seen everything. Next to the _Deep Impact _poster was John's calendar. He'd marked the 13th of April, today, and also the 10th of April, the purported arrival of the highly touted SBURB Beta Launch. But it had already been three days, and it was starting to become a sore subject with him.

John looked over at the cake on his dresser, wondering if he should eat it. Nah, he was sick of cake. And he had no intention of clogging his sylladex with it either. The cake stayed put for now.

Suddenly, John's computer started to go off. Someone was messaging him. He pulled up to his computer, where he spent most of his time.

The desktop background he had made himself. It consisted of a strange green ghost slime, much like the one on his shirt, popping out of a blurry real-life still. On his desktop sat the computer System, his web browser Typheus, his chat client Pesterchum 6.0, and three programs labeled: pff. ^CAKE, FUCK FUCK FUCK. ^CAKE, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH ~ATH.

John's Pesterchum application was flashing. Someone was trying to get in touch with him. John pulled up the application window and saw that only one of his chums was online. He'd sent John a message.

John opened the message. It read:

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:13 - **

**TG: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today**

**EB: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny.**

**TG: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking christmas up in here**

**EB: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage?**

**TG: but **

**TG: the seal on the bottle is unbroken**

**TG: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory**

**EB: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?**

**EB: try using your brain numbnuts.**

**TG: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like**

**TG: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous**

**EB: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.**

**TG: ok i can accept that **

**TG: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters**

**TG: also fred savage has a really punchable face**

**TG: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it**

**TG: did you get the beta yet**

**EB: no.**

**EB: did you?**

**TG: man i got two copies already**

**TG: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring**

**TG: did you see how it got slammed in game bro?**

**EB: game bro is a joke and we both know it.**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now**

**EB: alright.**

John peeked out his window, admiring the view of his yard. Hanging from the tree in front of his house was his tire swing. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing was like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, he could hardly be considered a terribly proper gentleman at all. Over by John's driveway sat his mailbox. Looking closer, John saw that the little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it was called was flipped up. What the hell was that thing called anyway? But, in any case, John didn't have time for semantics. The red flippy-lever thing meant that he had new mail. And that meant that the Beta could be there!

John was about to go out and retrieve the mail when his Dad appeared in the driveway. He'd returned from the grocery and was now beating him to the mail. John forgot about retrieving the mail and decided to check it later. If he went downstairs to get it, it was likely that his Dad would monopolize hours of his time. John decided to chill in his room for a while and wait for the dust to settle.

Sometimes John felt like he was trapped in his room. Stuck, if you will, in a sense that perhaps bordered on the titular. John's computer began to go off again, signifying that **TG** was pestering him again. The clockwork of friendship turned ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever-dealies of harassment in perpetuity. But he could hold his damn horses. John wanted to look at the CD's on his rack.

On his rack were an assortment of video games that John loved to play on his computer. Among them were _Bard Quest_, _The Caper Havens: The Video Game_, _Problem Sleuth_, _And It Don't Stop_, _Jailbreak_, _Ghostbusters II MMORPG, Little Monsters: The Video Game_, and Harry Anderson's _Call My Bluff_ game. John had put countless manhours into acquiring this assortment of quality titles.

Upon having inspected the CD's on his rack, John decided that he wanted to read _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_. He wanted to consult the Colonel's bottomless wisdom and… good god that book is huge. It could kill a cat if John dropped it. But in order to really dig into the book, John would have to captchalogue it. He was not sure he was ready to logjam all of the other captchalogued items beneath it just yet.

John thought about captchaloguing the fake arms again, and then realized that it wasn't worth the… Oh, Jesus. In a momentary lapse of concentration, John captchalogued the fake arms again. In anger, John hopped onto his computer, pulled up the Pesterchum client and set his mood to Bully. He didn't quite want to go as far as setting it to Rancorous as the situation was not exactly dire.

The mood system on Pesterchum went from Chummy to Rancorous in this order: Chummy, Palsy, Chipper, Bully, Peppy, Rancorous. The logo, a yellow smiley face, was the same for all of them but for Rancorous, whose logo was a red angry face. Bully would have to do, John supposed. Unsurprisingly, his logo didn't change. Oh, right, John had forgotten about **TG** pestering him again.

**TG: is it there**

**TG: plz say yes**

**TG: maybe you can play with TT shes been pestering me all day about it**

**TG: shes mackin on me so hard all the time i start to feel embarrassed for her**

**TG: i mean not that i can blame her or anything**

**EB: yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. i am attracted to you.**

**TG: thank you**

**EB: jk haha.**

**EB: no, i don't have it yet.**

**EB: my dad has the mail and i guess i have to go get it from him and see if it's there.**

**EB: and i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex.**

**EB: it's so frustrating.**

**TG: whats your modus**

**EB: what?**

**TG: how do you retrieve artifacts from it**

**EB: oh. like one at a time i guess. and if i put too much in, something falls out.**

**TG: stack? hahahahahaha**

**EB: what is yours?**

**TG: hash map**

**TG: my bro taught me a few tricks he basically knows everything and is awesome**

**EB: what the hell is that?**

**TG: you should probably brush up on your data structures**

**EB: i guess.**

**TG: did you at least allocate your strife specibus**

**EB: no.**

**TG: it could free up a card for you**

**TG: plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle**

**TG: which is never**

**TG: what have you got**

**EB: well, i've got a hammer but it's trapped under some arms.**

**TG: wow you really suck at this dont you**

**TG: just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus**

**EB: how?**

**TG: i dont know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works**

John thought about the best course of action, finally deciding to stick the arms in the cake on his bed. He did so, making the cake at least 300% more hilarious. He wasn't sure of the exact amount, but he was sure that Colonel Sassacre would have.

John then proceeded to check the back of his strife specibus for the kind abstratus he had in mind for it. Wow! So much to choose from. There was pizzactrkind, batkind, rollpinkind, bookkind, razorkind, peprmillkind… but John had a hammer, so he selected hammerkind.

Suddenly, John's strife specibus was allocated with the hammerkind abstratus. The hammer in his inventory was moved from his captchalogue deck to his strife deck.

**EB: ok, i did it.**

**TG: hammerkind?**

**EB: yeah.**

**TG: ok that will be the permanent allocation for your specibus**

**TG: i guess i should have mentioned that**

**EB: uh...**

**TG: hope you like hammers dude!**

**EB: yeah, that's fine i guess. i can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.**

Finally, John captchalogued the Colonel's book, deciding that with all the free space in his sylladex, he should start squandering it immediately. Ordinarily, the book would be way too heavy to carry around in a practical way. John supposed that this was one respect in which the cards presented some convenience.

John began to look around for some more stuff to fill up his sylladex with. On his desk sat GameBro Magazine, a game review magazine. The front was entitled: SBURB: _Why the "Game of the Year" or whatever isn't as good as some other stuff I like better._ John opened the book and read the main article within.

So ok.

SBURB is this game that a lot of cats seem hella pumped of. And this beta is sitting on my desk for review, so I'm like, yeah man I'll write something.

But I don't know. I'm like, so is this about houses or some noise? That's fine, I'm sure that's like fucking dynamite in a handbag for some brosephs. But all I'm saying is, when do you get to _**thrash **_anything? While you're playing house or some shit, are you ever in jeopardy of getting mud on your doll's dress or whatever from busting out, and I quote, "the mad stunts all wicked up-ins"?

Know what I'm saying, Bro-Yo Ma? I didn't actually play this game, but I gave it 1.5 hats out of 5 hats to keep it real.

At this point I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Dennis who was over the other day. We were going to chill in front of the Dark Knight and he was so psyched of it y'all.

So this one time he was leaning against the screen door and the shit popped open, and the back deck was wet and he slipped down the steps and broke his thumb on the lawn. It wasn't a long fall, but hey I guess a thumb bone wasn't meant for supporting the brunt of a huge useless tool against wet grass. We never did watch Dark Knight on account of Ron trucking his bawling candy-ass girth to the hospital.

But it's cool, I still got another watch in me, Brotel Rwanda.

(BRO-NOTES: Dennis was so wasted, ha ha. I mean damn.)

Rating for SBURB: 1.5 hats

John captchalogued the magazine, figuring that it might come in handy if he ever needed something that burned easily. John then turned and captchalogued his magician's hat to wear and fool his father when he went downstairs. Except the hat alone wouldn't do it. John almost captchalogued the beagle puss as well, before remembering that if he did so, the smoke pellets would get expelled from his sylladex and fill his room with smoke. However, he was able to merge the beagle puss with the hat, producing the Clever Disguise.

John donned the Clever Disguise, thus temporarily removing the card containing the disguise from his sylladex and freeing up the card beneath it. In this case, the freed card contained GameBro Magazine.

"John? Who is this John you speak of? I am quite certain there never has been, nor ever will be…" John trailed off. "Yeah, this disguise is pretty shitty. Whatever."

John exited his room and entered the hallway. On one wall hung a picture of a man who sure knew how to have a laugh, a man after John's own heart. He looked a bit like Michael Cera, but John's Dad swore on the many hallowed tombs of Egypt that it wasn't. On the other wall was one of John's Dad's stupid clowns. Or harlequins, as he was quick to correct anyone who would venture such a brazen assumption.

John proceeded down the stairs, the accursed odor of fresh baking wafting into the large nostrils of the Clever Disguise. Something was very obviously brewing in the kitchen. It must have been the connivings of John's arch nemesis, Betty Crocker, and the rich, buttery aroma of her plot stank to high heaven. John's mission to retrieve the beta was going to be a bit more difficult than he had imagined.


	2. Book 1 Chapter 2: First Strife

Chapter 2: First Strife

In the family room sat John's Dad's collection of fanciful harlequin statuettes. Fucking garbage. John hated the things. I mean, funny was funny, but John's Dad could be a real cornball sometimes. At night, sometimes, John would pray for burglars to take away the statuettes.

Next to the harlequin collection sat the fireplace, a bright orange flame flickering away within. It didn't matter that it was April and not terribly chilly outside. In a home, a fireplace needed a fire, because that's what fireplaces are for. A fire belongs in a fireplace, dammit, cata(ptcha)gorically, at all times, without exception. As domestic myth of unaccountable origin holds, a home borrows the spirit of the flame for as long as it makes a guest of it, much as the moon takes liberty with the sun's rays. "The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun" (Mark Twain). John was certain that Mark Twain had said that.

John tossed GameBro Magazine into the fire, although it didn't burn as quickly as he had hoped. Each magazine was guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. For big ups to Mother Earth, yo. While it burned, John examined the sacred urn containing his departed Nanna's ashes. When his father gave the portrait above the fireplace a wistful glance now and then, John could tell it brought back painful memories. A tall bookshelf. A ladder. An unabridged Colonel Sassacre's. He never wanted to talk about it. In his reminiscing stupor, John accidentally toppled the urn, spilling ash everywhere. In retrospect, upon mulling over cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, the current outcome had been a virtual certainty. John decided that he had better clean it up before his Dad found it.

But before John cleaned it up, there were some things he wanted to do first. He combined his father's pipe, which had been sitting on a little end table, with the Clever Disguise, beefing it up so that he would be even more unrecognizable. Next, he went up to the oversized gift in the middle of the room and inspected it closely. There was a tag hanging from it that said:

_CHAMP._

_YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT._

_I BELIEVE IN YOU._

Contemplating what exactly could be inside the box was exciting, but it undoubtedly made John a bit nervous at the same time. He slowly tore off the paper and revealed what was inside. Oh hell no. It was a giant harlequin doll. Great, what was John going to do with it? He propped it up on the couch so that it wasn't lying on the floor with its legs all akimbo, which had struck John as unseemly.

Then John remembered the ashes. He captchalogued the ashes that were spilled everywhere to his available card and merged the sacred urn with them. Most of the ash ended up back in the urn, but a lot of it was on top of the urn and around it in a big messy pile. John realized that using a broom and dustpan would have been tidier. John put the urn back on top of the fireplace. No one would be the wiser. Except for maybe people with eyes.

John suddenly had a brilliant idea. He ran back up to his room and grabbed the fake arms from the cake and captchalogued them with his free card again. Pesterchum was acting up again, but John wanted to look around his room one more time. This time at the other side. There was his closet and a bunch of posters that had not been mentioned before. But Pesterchum was getting annoying, so John sat at his computer and looked at who it was. Oh, it was someone else this time: tentacleTherapist, or **TT**.

**TT: I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of "The Game of the Year", as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.**

**EB: that's an ugly rumor.**

**EB: whoever told you that is a filthy liar.**

**EB: and you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.**

**TT: I can't control myself. **

**TT: I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks. **

**EB: anyway i still haven't checked the mail, my dad has it.**

**EB: i'm trying to go get it from him, so brb**

**TT: John.**

**EB: what?**

**TT: You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?**

**TT: You are typing to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.**

**EB: no, why would you even think that?**

**EB: that's so stupid.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Why don't you go get the game from your father?**

**EB: alright, wish me luck.**

**EB: oh, btw...**

**EB: jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time.**

**EB: gotcha! hehehehe**

**TT: I know, John.**

John then proceeded to carry out the brilliant plan with the fake arms. There was just enough frosting on the fake arms to attach them to the armless giant harlequin doll downstairs. He stuck the arms onto the doll, not caring what Colonel Sassacre had to say. The arms made it at least a million percent funnier.

Wait what? There was a random piece of paper sitting on the ground. John looked at it. Broblerone of Switzerland, it read. It must have fallen out of GameBro. John tossed it into the fire where it belonged. He tossed the gift wrap from the harlequin doll into the fire as well.

John wondered if he could captchalogue the doll, but it was too big to fit in his sylladex. Besides, why would he even want it? He looked at his captchalogued items: Colonel Sassacre and the smoke pellets. He opened the book to a page entitled _The Creepy-Crawlies!_

Hell's bells, we are having a mighty sporting time of it!

Hold fast, my intrepid fellow prank-smiths! We've merely nicked the mahogany of our japing chests.

If I may direct the incisive ogle of your beagle puss to the wriggling regency of rubber bugs, plastic parasites, squirming serpents, pliable pests, and every such order and phyls of creepy-crawlie!

Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!

In further exhibits we shall dwell on artifice useful to your exploits. Is your pappy's rod and reel handy? What about a bit of iron cord; it shouldn't prove elusive. Bring those writhing rascals to life, and set the nerves of some old maid to the to the wreck of Hesperus!

Do you have a bothersome aunt who never seems troubled to find ways with your sunny afternoons? A broad, splintery fence. A bucket of whitewash perhaps?

By gum you'll fix her wagon!

And what of that tawny gent who puts his lackadaisical lean near the sarsaparilla font? You'll have that listless octoroon find the spring in his step just yet!

_Um maybe I should consult the text later, _John thought. _This text is way too big to navigate in a timely fashion._

Instead of continuing to fool around, John decided to confront his father about the mail. There were two doorways he could choose to enter through. The door on the left led to the kitchen, from which the smell of baking wafted - a powerful aroma which could have lifted an especially portly hobo off his feet. The door on the right led to the study, where John's Dad spent a lot of his time. He could have been in either room, but John chose to enter the study.

The study, however, was empty. John looked at his father's desk, upon which sat a deck of playing cards, one of his Dad's pipes, the April issue of The Serious Jester Magazine, and a stray captchalogue card. There was also a can of peanuts.

"Ha ha," John laughed. "Oh, dad. I won't be falling for that one again any time soon." It really was quite difficult to cope with a severe peanut allergy.

Next to the desk stood his Dad's hat rack. John removed the bowler hat from the rack and placed the magician's hat on it. He combined the bowler hat with the Clever Disguise, making it somewhat less funny, but significantly more distinguished looking. John considered combining the pipe on the desk with his disguise as well, but the first one tasted bad enough as it was. How he suffered for his comedy.

John's Dad maintained numerous pipes around the household. A father without a pipe was like a strapping roughneck without a toothpick. That is to say, HE WAS A RATHER PISS-POOR EXCUSE FOR A ROUGHNECK IF YOU ASKED JOHN.

John looked at the captchalogue card. Yes! This would be perfect for expanding the space in his sylla… ARGH! John captchalogued the captchalogue card. To calm himself down, he proceeded to play a piece on the piano entitled Showtime. Its haunting refrain soothed his frustrated spirit. But it wasn't enough, so John decided to play 52 Pick-up with the deck of cards on his father's desk. 52 Pick-up was his father's favorite game, but he was alone, rendering the game an especially foolish version of Solitaire. SO STUPID. Look at that mess on the floor. The peanut gallery over by the wall, consisting of a picture of a jester dude and The Joker from Batman, sure was getting a kick out of this whole thing. John was allergic to its scorn.

With a sigh, John returned to the living room. On the television across from the harlequin doll, a commercial for Hi-C Ectocooler was airing. John contemplated leaving the house and checking the mailbox outside. He wanted to exhaust all possibilities before plunging headlong into a Dad encounter.

John exited the house and opened the mailbox. Predictably, it was empty. John had already been scooped by his father.

The streets of John's neighborhood were empty. Wind skimmed the voids, keeping neighbors apart, as if grazing the hollow of a cut reed, or say, a plundered mailbox. A familiar note was produced. It was the one Desolation plays to keep its instrument in tune.

It was John's thirteenth birthday, and as with all twelve preceding it, something felt missing from his life. The game presently eluding him was only the latest sleight of hand in the repertoire of an unseen riddler, one to engender a sense not of mirth, but of lack. His coarse schemes were those less of a prankster than a common pickpocket. His riddle was Absence itself. It was a mystery dispersing altogether, like the moon's faint reflection, with even one pebble of inquiry dropped in its black well. It was the most diabolical riddle of all.

"Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire" (Walt Whitman).

Yes, John was certain Walt Whitman had said that. One hundred percent positive.

He had a feeling it was going to be a long day. An arm sticking through a blue portal appeared in the sky.

On another note (certainly not the one desolation played), John wondered if he should leave a surprise for the mailman. N… No! Absolutely not.

Wait a second. John peeked through the window of his Dad's car to see if the man had left the mail behind. Hmm… there was a green package on the passenger seat on top of what looked like a small slip of paper. John couldn't get in the car to see what it was, though, because the door was locked and his Dad had the keys. Could those items have come in the mail? John didn't see anything else that was usually in the mail, like bills and coupons. He supposed it was possible that his Dad had forgotten about the package and piece of paper.

John peered through the kitchen window to try to see if the mail was there, but because his Dad had been doing so much baking, the glass had steamed up. God he was so weird. But John could see what was on the table just beside the window. It would appear that the mail was there! Included among it was a red package, some bills, his Dad's PDA, an envelope that appeared to be suspiciously labeled with the SBURB logo, one of those… Hey, wait. Could it be? Unfortunately, the window was locked. An encounter with his Dad was inevitable now. Best not to put it off any longer. He was going in. It was time for the Clever Disguise to work its magic.

As soon as John entered the room, his Dad turned and saw right through the Clever Disguise! John didn't know what he was thinking with that foolish ruse! He unequipped the Clever Disguise and placed it back into his sylladex, which contained, in addition to the disguise, the captchalogued captchalogue card from the study, Colonel Sassacre, and the smoke pellets. John's Dad held a cake in his hand - a dreaded artifact of confection. He stood between the boy and the mail. There was only one way to settle this.

**STRIFE!**

John began by aggrieving with a very strong Auto-pastry attack. His dad then used Guardian Rubric: Coddlebrand, a DOMESTIC attack, which John abjured. This was ridiculous. John attempted to abscond, but he could not. His pesky guardian blocked his path. He would have to engineer some form of distraction. Oh god. John's Dad brandished yet another artifact of confection, a pie! The man was ruthless. John realized that he had better brace himself for impact in the most comedically striking fashion possible. He equipped the beagle aegis again, which absorbed the brunt of the treat. John's Dad enjoyed the prankster's gambit on that exchange, as was usually the case.

John captchalogued the pie tin and unequipped the beagle puss. Everything in his sylladex was pushed back a card, expelling the smoke pellets. Yes! This could be just the distraction he was… Nothing happened. Wow. What a huge letdown. There was only one thing to do now.

John acceded to his Dad's nonverbal request that he take the cake. "When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield" (Oscar Wilde). Wise words by a man who likely could resist anything but temptation. Upon captchaloguing the cake, the Colonel Sassacre's Text was ejected from his sylladex. The book landed on the smoke pellets, setting them off. Sassacre, you beautiful bastard. Now was his chance.

John's Dad was busy placating the smoke detector, so John could safely sneak away. He snagged his Dad's PDA. Maybe later he would switch the background image to something hilarious as a prank. Besides, it may come in handy later. In captchaloguing the PDA, the captchalogued captchalogue card was forced out of the sylladex, and consequently integrated with the deck. John now had five cards to work with. He took the red package on the table, which was addressed to him, and then the envelope with the SBURB logo on it. It was the SBURB Beta! Yes! The beagle aegis was expelled from his sylladex. John left the kitchen and captchalogued the cake with one of the fake arms in it from the couch next to the harlequin doll. The pie tin was expelled from his sylladex.

John decided to merge the two cakes in his sylladex (the one at the beginning and the one at the end) to make an awesome double decker cake! But… everything in his sylladex got squished between the two cakes in the process. Ugh… why didn't he think these things through first?

He retreated upstairs to go into the bathroom and fix the mess by dissecting the cake. At the main juncture, he proceeded to his right and entered the side hallway. To his left was the door to the bathroom. To his right was his Dad's room. It was locked, and John was forbidden from ever entering. His Dad had secrets.

John entered the bathroom. Through a window, he could see his back yard. The jewel in its crown was the swing set which had provided him with years of joy. There was also a spring-mounted pogo ride that was just like the ghost slime on his shirt. The pogo ride had been responsible for more than one painful injury, and had provided him with years of lament. On the bathroom sink was John's Dad's razor and on a rack to the side was a fresh towel.

John took the razor and used it to perform surgery on the cake. He then took the towel and cleaned off the extracted goods with it. He took the PDA, package, and Beta, forcing the manhandled cake out of his sylladex and into the toilet. And just like that, his sylladex was full again. God that thing was annoying.

John left the bathroom, turned out of the side hallway, and crossed the main hallway to his room. There were two chums pestering him on his computer, but he ignored them for the moment, examining his _Failure to Launch_ poster. He wasn't generally into chick-flicks, but Matthew McConaughey's cool charisma could salvage any heap of smoldering wreckage. The wall upon which that movie poster sat was his "McConaughey Wall," a casual shrine to an amazing actor. The film above _Failure to Launch_ was better, John thought.

CAN YOU SEE HER? I WANT YOU TO PICTURE THAT LITTLE GIRL. [chokes up] NOW IMAGINE SHE'S WHITE.

You got us, Matthew! Your smooth talking exposed our latent racism. Damn you are good!

Okay. That was enough. John looked at his computer.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:34 - **

**GG: hi happy birthday john! 3**

**GG: helloooooo?**

**GG: ok i will talk to you later! :D**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:56 - **

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 16:40 - **

**TG: hey GG is looking for you why are you even so popular all of a sudden**

**TG: is today some sort of special occasion or something**

**TG: did you do something to curry favor with ladies**

**TG: did you break your leg on a puppy or some shit**

**TG: dude what are you doing**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **is now an idle chum! - **

**EB: i discovered a comet that is going to destroy the earth, and it was named after me. **

**EB: now i am famous, and everyone wants to talk to me a lot.**

**TG: no stop**

**TG: just no**

**TG: dont talk about your awful stupid movies or make references to them**

**TG: your gross man-bro crush on matt macconahay is an unsavory thing to behold **

**EB: mcconaughey.**

**TG: sounds like a noise a horse would make **

**TG: ie dumb**

**TG: equally dumb are all those pictures of that clown youve got hanging up**

**EB: those are my dad's.**

**TG: i was talking about nick cage**

**EB: oh, what?! no man, cage is sweet. so sweet.**

**TG: ha ha so lame**

**TG: you dont even like him ironically or anything this is like for real isnt it**

**TG: hahaha**

**EB: i do things ironically sometimes.**

**EB: what about what i sent you for your birthday?**

**TG: no those are awesome**

**EB: what? no, they're stupid, which was the joke. the IRONIC joke. get it?**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: you're actually wearing them, aren't you?**

**TG: im wearing them ironically**

**TG: because theyre awesome**

**TG: the fact that theyre ironic makes them awesome**

**TG: and vice versa**

**TG: are you taking notes on how to be cool? jesus get a fucking pen**

**EB: you do realize they touched stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point.**

**TG: ew yeah**

**TG: oh well**

**TG: anyway speaking of which**

**TG: did you get the mail**

**EB: yeah.**

**TG: did there happen to be a package there**

**EB: yeah, there's a big red one.**

**TG: you should probably open it**

**EB: i would, but it's trapped under the sburb beta, so i will probably open it after i install the beta.**

**TG: oh man the beta came**

**EB: yeah! wanna play it?**

**TG: haha no way**

**EB: why not!**

**TG: it sounds so HELLS of boring just get TT to play it she is all about that**

**EB: where'd she go.**

**TG: her internet is blinking in and out i guess**

**TG: probably be back online soon**

**TG: oh and christ in a sidecar are you still using the stack modus?**

**TG: seriously dude**

**TG: you need to BONE UP on your data structures that shit is just ridiculous**

**EB: ok, i will.**

John decided to space out on his computer for a second before doing anything important. He opened the Typheus web browser and directed it to what was indisputably the most amazing website ever created: .

**Midnight Crew**

You are members of a sinister gang called the midnight crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?

Eh… the new adventure was okay, but John wasn't sure if he liked it as much as the last one. Okay, it was time for less meta and more beta. John inserted the CD and began to install the SBURB Beta.

What the fuck was this?

SBURB CLIENT:

SBURB VERSION 0.0.1

© SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

Waiting for server to establish connection…

Whatever. While John waited for the "server to establish connection," he figured he might as well go and bone up on data structures. He went to his closet, where he kept a lot of clothes and an array of handy computer programming guides: _Data Structures, Discrete Mathematics, ^CAKE, ~ATH, DIS*, AUTOMATA…_

John took out his book about Data Structures. It was more correctly titled _Data Structures for Assholes _by Buckminster Funnyuncle. On the book was a picture of a green disgusted face. There was a speech bubble coming from the face, saying "Your ignorance just made me throw up a little. Get a clue, you computer-illiterate piece of shit." There was a quote by the author in the top right corner of the cover, saying "I think my rage just crapped its pants." On the bottom left corner was a little star saying "FREE FETCH MODUS IN BACK!"

John wasn't really sure he wanted to dig into the huge tome just yet. It looked really boring. And kind of ornery. Maybe he'd just check out that free fetch modus instead. John turned to the back cover of the book, where a free fetch modus sat within a plastic sleeve. This one was dictated by the logic of a queue data structure, operating on a "First In, First Out" method rather than a "First In, Last Out" method of a stack. It was an orange fetch modus card, with the label "FIFO" on it.

John applied the FIFO fetch modus to his sylladex, thus rendering items captchalogued in it no longer immediately accessible. He could only use the bottom card, and had to wait for items on upper cards to be pushed down to it. For instance, the red package was now inaccessible. The only thing he could use was the razor at the moment. This modus didn't strike John as a significant upgrade to his previous one. In fact, it almost seemed more inconvenient.

John wondered if he could switch back to FILO, but would it even be possible? He didn't even remember if he'd ever had a physical card for the stack modus. He found this all to be a little abstract and preferred not to think about it anymore. John tried to put down the razor, but how would he have done that? He didn't know. He wasn't quite sure he understood. John wanted to get to the package, however, so he captchalogued the cake on the dresser. He had finally found a use for all of those loitering pastries: dead weight. John took the other cake from the bed, expelling the razor into McConaughey's face. Oh good lord. THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE. John wished the razor would have _failed to launch_.

John needed to acquire more stuff, though, to get the package out of his inventory. He opened his magic chest and captchalogued _Wise Guy_ by Harry Anderson. And there went the fresh towel. It floated down onto his head. John took the trick handcuffs, expelling the PDA like a bullet. It smashed through the window, landing it along with various shards of glass at the edge of his yard. Oh God dammit.

John examined the package. It was from one of his internet chums, **TG**. It was bound in packing tape, though. He needed something sharp to open it. Ah, of course! The razor! It was all so simple, he wondered why he hadn't…

As soon as John removed the razor from the _Time to Kill_ poster, it went into his sylladex, expelling the package. It bonked him on the head. Ow. He picked up the package again, ducked to the side, and the cake from his dresser shot out of his sylladex, smashing against McConaughey's face again. Sigh. John decided to take it from the top.

He captchalogued three glass shards in quick succession and ducked for cover. The other cake, the trick handcuffs, and the _Wise Guy_ book smashed through the window and into the front yard. And now that John's cards were packed with glass, he probably didn't want to do that again anytime soon. He should get that stuff in the front before he forgot.

For the time being, though, John used the razor on the red package, opening it. There was something suspicious inside. Something suspiciously dirty and smelly…

It was a stuffed bunny! Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no. It wasn't merely _like_ that bunny. According to this note of authenticity, it was the very same bunny. This was so awesome!

John's computer appeared to be trying to get his attention, so John looked at the monitor.

Client has established connection with host.

Press [Enter] when ready.

John's Pesterchum was also flashing, so he opened the window.

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:08 - **

**TT: It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.**

**TT: I'm going to try to connect.**

**EB: whoa ok but i just got the most awesome present.**

**TT: The rabbit?**

**EB: SO SWEET.**

**TT: I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.**

**EB: ha ha, what?**

**TT: Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?**

**EB: oh the game, ok.**

**EB: i don't really know how this works. what am i even looking at here?**

**TT: You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.**

**EB: oh, ok then.**

**TT: Why don't we get started?**

John pressed the Enter key on his keyboard.


	3. Book 1 Chapter 3: SBURB

Chapter 3: SBURB

The loading screen consisted of strange green circular and elliptical patterns floating around in multi-colored space. Spirographs? John wasn't sure. Finally, the loading screen faded to black and the word SBURB appeared.

There were seven interface buttons: Select, Revise, Deploy, Phernalia Registry, Grist Cache, Explore Atheneum, and Alchemy Excursus. What they meant, **TT**, who was hosting the game,had no idea.

**TT **selected the magic chest and lifted it from the ground. She clicked the turn button, changing her view of John's room, and zoomed out. She dropped the chest on the roof and it slid down a bit before stopping from the friction.

**EB: whoa, what are you doing?**

**TT: Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.**

**EB: is my magic chest on the roof now?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: :(**

**TT: I will try to be more careful next time.**

John looked behind him and saw that where his magic chest had been previously was the FILO card. He picked it up and quickly reapplied it to his sylladex. He could now opt for either the stack modus or the queue modus at any time. He toggled between his fetch modi with gleeful abandon.

Suddenly, he heard a car pulling out of the driveway and peeked out the window. It would seem that John's Dad was leaving again for more baking supplies. John was relieved to have the whole house to himself again, if only for a few minutes. He just hoped his Dad didn't notice the magic chest on the roof. Or all the shit he'd thrown out the window, for that matter. Oh wait. The shit he'd thrown out the window! He'd forgotten about it!

**EB: hey, do you think you could do me a favor?**

**EB: can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?**

**TT: I'll give it a shot.**

**EB: thx!**

**TT: No luck.**

**TT: It appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the "player".**

**EB: :C**

**TT **attempted to select John, but in SBURB, you cannot select the player. Thus, John abjured the meddlesome SBURB logo cursor. Instead, she selected the bunny and PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX! Now what? She wondered a bit. What were all of these other tools? She clicked the revise tool and dragged a little square out to the side. The room suddenly expanded as a floor and a roof were placed where she had drawn the square and walls connected the edges.

And what was the Phernalia Registry? She clicked on the icon and a drop-down menu appeared with three items in it. The first was a tube-like item on a pedestal entitled the "Cruxtruder." The second looked like a rather complicated sewing machine entitled the "Totem Lathe." The third and final item was a large circular pedestal with a vertical pipe coming out of its base entitled the "Alchemiter." To the right of the three items was a "more" arrow, but it was grayed out. It clearly wasn't clickable.

**TT **used the deploy tool to drop the totem lathe in the new area of the room. It seemed to fit perfectly. John went over and looked at it. What was this thing? He didn't know what the heck this thing did, but it looked cool.

Next, **TT **looked at the Grist Cache. A large screen popped up, displaying a lot of spaces with question marks in them. There were five spaces with something in them other than a question mark. One had a picture of a blue… what the hell was that thing anyway? It looked like a fruit gusher. The second had a purple… fruit gusher thing. The third looked like a sugar cube, the fourth a drop of honey, and the last a green fruit gusher. **TT **rolled over the blue fruit gusher icon. The top of the Grist Cache changed from saying: "Cache Limit: 20" to "Build Grist: 16/20."

**TT: It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some "Build Grist".**

**TT: But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense.**

**TT: It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.**

**EB: wow, ok.**

**EB: what do they do?**

**TT: I think it's up to you to find out.**

**TT: All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.**

**EB: how do i move stuff around? it sounds fun!**

**TT: I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application.**

**TT: You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.**

**EB: what?**

**TT: Did you get another envelope in the mail?**

**EB: no!**

**TT: Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.**

**TT: Are you sure you didn't get it?**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: i think i might know where it is.**

The car. John's Dad had left with the green package and the piece of paper. That piece of paper had born a striking resemblance to the SBURB client envelope.

**TT: Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner?**

**TT: It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items.**

**TT: Which... you threw out the window for some reason?**

**EB: good idea!**

**TT: What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?**

**EB: ugh, i was fussing with my retarded sylladex.**

**EB: but i think i have it under control now.**

**EB: what modus do you use?**

**TT: I like to use trees.**

**EB: oh no, that sounds so awkward.**

**TT: It's not exceptionally practical.**

**TT: But I think they are elegant.**

John went to the corner of the new area of his room. **TT **picked up the stuff that he'd flung out the window when he'd put the glass in his sylladex and brought it back into his room. The cake stayed outside.

**TT **looked around for a place to deploy the other large machines. She put the Cruxtruder in a nice little niche in John's living room downstairs that fit the machine as snugly as a glove. The house shook as she set it down. She also placed the Alchemiter on John's balcony. Hmm… that was odd. Even though the "more" arrow was grayed out, there were other items in the Phernalia Registry: A Pre-punched Card and a "Punch Designix." The Designix was grayed out however, as it appeared to cost 4 of the purple grist and there was no purple grist in the Grist Cache. The floor shook again as the Alchemiter landed on the balcony.

**EB: why is the floor shaking?**

**EB: are you dropping more stuff in my house?**

**TT: Yes. Two more large gizmos.**

**EB: sweet!**

**EB: what is with all these big contraptions?**

**TT: If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.**

**EB: huh.**

**EB: to what end?**

**EB: i mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?**

**TT: That remains to be seen.**

**TT: Maybe you should go investigate?**

John grabbed his Dad's PDA, switching back to the stack modus so that it was readily available. The interface was oddly sterile. No hilarious clown wallpapers or anything like that. (Oops, he meant harlequin wallpapers.) The Serious Business application was open. It seemed as though John's Dad used it to keep tabs on his various acquaintances… his fellow street performers, maybe? John supposed the performing arts must have been a very serious business after all.

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **\- 17:21**

**Need council on removing coffee from necktie. Incident occurred 45 seconds ago. Beverage essences rapidly settling into fabric.**

**ƒ ****2busy4this** **\- 17:22**

**pl elab on 'incident'**

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **\- 17:22**

**Was posturing unevenly to reach for hat on wall hook. Tip of tie slipped in open mouth of pot. Duration of "dunk": approx. 3 seconds.**

**ƒ ****officeurchin1280** **\- 17:23**

**Photographic documentation of incident?**

**ƒ ****wellPressedAttire** **\- 17:23**

**Use ballpoint pen to roll up tip of cloth. Extract pen. Press rolled cloth against ceramic surface, e.g. restroom sink. In future: consider repositioning hat hook and/or coffee pot.**

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **\- 17:24**

**Decided to return home for fresh tie. Soiled tie will be laundered immediately upon return.**

_**The above matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for **__**pipefan413**_'_**s judicious appraisal.**_

John proceeded to install Pesterchum on his Dad's PDA. That should be useful. Now John could keep tabs on his chums while he wandered around the house.

With this helpful application installed on the PDA, John went out to the balcony and pestered **TT****.**

**EB: hey, i'm out on the balcony now.**

**EB: i am messaging from my dad's pda.**

**TT: The one you threw into the yard?**

**EB: no, i am telling you.**

**EB: it jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.**

**TT: What were you doing with it in the first place?**

**TT: I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others.**

**TT: Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?**

**EB: what? no.**

**EB: those were all accidents.**

**EB: please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!**

**TT: Your bathroom is a mess.**

**TT: Did you do that too?**

**EB: oh man, see this isn't cool.**

**EB: all this snooping nonsense!**

**TT: There's a cake in the toilet.**

**EB: yes. there is.**

**TT: I'm tempted to clean it up for you.**

**EB: ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.**

**TT: My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex?**

**TT: Can a disorder also be a complex?**

**EB: in your case, probably!**

**TT: Sounds complicated.**

**EB: anyway...**

**EB: i am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony.**

John attempted to approach the Alchemiter in a cautious manner and failed. He had no idea what this thing even did. He couldn't find any controls on it. He, having exhausted all other possible ideas, just decided to stand on it. Nothing happened. He stepped off the Alchemiter and peered into his telescope. It was a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of his own home.

Suddenly, he got a message on his PDA.

**TT: Whoops.**

**EB: whoops what?**

There was a loud crash and John began to freak out.

**EB: what was that noise?**

**EB: is this something i should go investigate?**

**TT: No, I have it under control.**

**TT: You can keep playing with your telescope.**

John turned around and exited the balcony. The crash had come from the bathroom, so John turned the knob and stepped inside. The toilet was missing as well as the floor that it had been on, and the broken pipe was spouting water up and out onto the level below.

**EB: augh!**

**TT: I think I can patch it up.**

**TT: Just give me a little space.**

**TT: Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?**

**EB: the what?**

**TT: The thing I put in your living room.**

John peered down through the hole and saw the utility room beneath him. Inside the room was a sledgehammer leaned against the wall and… a green captchalogue card? Only John's strife specibus had been green. Everything else had either been pink or orange, depending on whether or not he was using the stack or the queue modus. He hopped down from above and landed on the dryer.

John captchalogued the sledgehammer into the remaining spot in his inventory and then combined it with the captchalogue card. He placed the green card into his strife specibus. Instant hammerkind weapon and with a remaining free space in his sylladex too! He thought it was cool that things didn't always have to be a federal fucking issue.

Another of John's chums began to pester him on his PDA.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:25 - **

**GG: john did you get my package?**

**EB: oh hey!**

**EB: no, not yet.**

**GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box... **

**EB: oh!**

**EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.**

**EB: he should be back soon.**

**GG: great! so what are you up to today?**

**EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.**

**EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.**

**GG: lol!**

**GG: whats sburb?**

**EB: oh, it is this game.**

**EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.**

**GG: whoa what was that?**

**EB: what was what?**

**GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!**

**GG: it sounded like an explosion!**

**EB: wow, really?**

**GG: i will go outside and look...**

**EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?**

**GG: i will! :)**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:28 -**

John proceeded to go downstairs and look at the Cruxtruder.

**EB: oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?**

**TT: There's a door there?**

**EB: um, YEAH?**

**TT: I didn't see it.**

**TT: I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.**

**EB: you mean you thought it was elegant?**

**EB: ok well what do i do with this thing.**

**EB: hello?**

**EB: what are you doing up there now?**

There was another sound from the upstairs bathroom.

**TT: Oh fuck.**


	4. Book 1 Chapter 4: The Kernelsprite

Chapter 4: The Kernelsprite

Ignoring **TT** for the moment, John examined the wheel on the Cruxtruder. When he turned it, something seemed to be pushing up from underneath the lid. But he wasn't strong enough to make the lid come off.

There was another crash and John turned around to see his bathtub on the landing at the top of the steps. He hopped into the bathtub and stood in it awkwardly.

**EB: you can see me, right.**

**EB: tell me what is wrong with this picture.**

**TT: Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal.**

**TT: Must be the weather.**

**TT: I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother.**

**TT: I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.**

**EB: haha, yeah I hear you.**

**TT: Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support.**

**TT: Quite a road to hoe there.**

**TT: Though I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.**

**EB: i know!**

**EB: what about going outside?**

**EB: maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.**

**TT: That presents the same problem.**

**TT: Also, it's raining, remember?**

**TT: And dark.**

**EB: It's dark already?**

**TT: Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast.**

**TT: Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.**

**EB: haha, um, ok.**

John took his sledgehammer out of his strife specibus and tried to hit the top of the Cruxtruder to break it open, but the sledgehammer was too heavy.

**TT: Need some help?**

**TT **picked up the sledgehammer, brought it past the halfway point above John's head, and let it go. It smashed down upon the Cruxtruder and out came a blinding blue and white light. The top popped off and landed on a stool conveniently placed next to the Cruxtruder. A blue, white, and black orb rose from the Cruxtruder and hovered above it. 4 little screens around the Cruxtruder turned on and began to count down from 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Hey, John's birthday!

**EB: what is this thing?**

**EB: and what is that clock counting down to?**

**TT: I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out.**

**TT: Hold while I read further.**

**EB: ok.**

**TT: All of these walkthroughs are extremely short.**

**TT: None progress much further than this point.**

**EB: weird.**

**EB: well, i mean it is a new game.**

**TT: True.**

**TT: Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some "Cruxite".**

John turned the wheel again to reveal one cruxite dowel in the Cruxtruder. It popped out and landed in front of him. He captchalogued the dowel, filling his sylladex again. John's PDA ended up behind the cruxite.

**TT: I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.**

**TT: John?**

**TT: Oh. Your PDA is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.**

**TT: Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.**

**TT **placed the pre-punched card on the floor next the couch. John captchalogued it, sending a shard of glass flying out the back of his sylladex. The glass cut off one of the tips of the giant harlequin doll's tricorn hat off. John took two of the fanciful harlequin statuettes to dispose of the remaining glass shards. They both maimed the harlequin doll as well.

The additional useless freight pushed his PDA to the last card in his sylladex. He then switched to the queue modus (FIFO) in order to access the device.

The orb from the Cruxtruder began to spout nonsense in an unrecognizable language. It was beginning to shake uncontrollably and had moved towards John.

**EB: this thing keeps following me around.**

**EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something.**

**TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite".**

**TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped".**

**TT: Twice, actually.**

**TT: Whatever the hell that means.**

**TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written.**

**EB: hmm, ok.**

**EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!**

**EB: also, fix my bathroom.**

Prototyped? Maybe that meant… **TT **picked up the harlequin doll and dropped it onto the kernelsprite. The orb suddenly had the image of the harlequin's maimed face on it along with an arm (one of John's fake arms). It continued to spout nonsense, but this time, is was in a different strange language that seemed to hinge on fleurs-de lis.

**EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.**

**TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping".**

**TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process.**

**TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.**

**EB: the clock is ticking.**

**EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.**

**TT: This unmitigated poppycock?**

**EB: extravagant hogwash!**

**EB: ok stop**

**EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing.**

**EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing.**

**TT: The alchemiter?**

**EB: ?**

**TT: Try to learn the lingo.**

John proceeded to the Alchemiter, looking for a place to possibly insert the pre-punched card. There weren't any slots anywhere. For some reason, the kernelsprite had followed him upstairs.

**TT** decided to check the Atheneum. Having acquired a cruxite dowel seemed to have populated the Atheneum with one item: a perfectly generic object.

While **TT** had been exploring the Atheneum, John had captchalogued his telescope off of its tripod. The benefit to this was that the cruxite dowel was pushed the end of his sylladex. The downside was that his PDA was jettisoned across the neighbor's fence.

John placed the cruxite on a small pedestal next to the larger one. Something began to happen…

A long metal arm (which the kids had previously thought to be a pipe) stretched out and used a red laser beam to scan the cruxite dowel. **TT **set the Alchemiter to produce three perfectly generic object for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of build grist! The objects look completely useless! What a waste.

Suddenly, out the of the corner of his eye, John noticed something in the sky. He switched to stack modus and pulled out the telescope to get a closer look. Whatever it was, the kernelsprite seemed particularly agitated about it.

Was that… a shooting star? No, it was a meteor! John was no astronomer, but the meteor's trajectory looked suspiciously head-on with his current perspective. This was a troubling development.

He looked at the agitated kernelsprite with its hand out. He figured he had left it hanging long enough, giving it a quick and nervous high-five. What else what there to do? John was resigned until **TT **did something. Hmm… build grist looked so much like Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. Could he possibly eat… No! Build grist was a gaming abstraction and did not seem to exist on the physical plane. Apparently, there was no crisis so imminent that would deter John from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

**TT: Your dad is getting home.**

**TT: John?**

**TT: What did you do with your PDA this time?**

**TT: I'm working on the bathroom.**

**TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.**

**TT **used the revise tool to fix the bathroom floor. The appliances, however, could wait. She only had two units of build grist left.

Mr. Egbert stepped onto the front porch and sighed. Rebellious teenagers were quite annoying, and not exactly the kind of people he would deal with on a daily basis. It was his son's birthday! Didn't the boy… Wait, what? The door wouldn't open. The man readjusted the pipe in his mouth and turned the doorknob again. It wasn't as though the door was locked - he could still open it a hair, but there was something large blocking the door. Mr. Egbert hoped that John hadn't moved the piano in front of the door. The instrument was priceless. His eyes welled up with tears of joy as he recalled teaching John the piano years back.

But the door wouldn't open. So Mr. Egbert went around to the back. He froze in his tracks. Why was the toilet stuffed with a manhandled cake? And why was it outside, for that matter? He scratched his head, then chuckled. "Kids these days," he said quietly.

John rushed to his room, having kicked himself out of his fruit gusher coma, and looked at Pesterchum. Two of his chums had been trying to message him. A arm jutted out of a blue portal on his Mac and Me poster.

**TT: I'm working on the bathroom.**

**TT: But we are running low on Build Grist.**

**EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!**

**TT: I see.**

**TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?**

**EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do!**

**TT: I think it's very likely.**

**TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end.**

**TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous.**

**TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.**

**TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.**

**EB: wow, FASCINATING.**

**EB: ?**

**TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.**

**TT: Try using the lathe.**

**TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.**

**EB: ok i'll do that.**

**TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel.**

**TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar.**

**TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair.**

**TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough.**

**TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die.**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at 17:34 - **

**TG: i heard you got the box**

**TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you**

**TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way**

**TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you**

**TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon**

**TG: hey where are you**

**EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare.**

**EB: TT is breaking everything in my house.**

**TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game**

**TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether**

**EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!**

**EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something.**

**EB: in the sky.**

**EB: heading right for my house!**

**TG: oh man**

**TG: how big is it**

**EB: i dunno.**

**EB: big, i guess.**

**EB: i gotta go!**

**EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up.**

**TG: like the size of texas**

**TG: or just rhode island**

**TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us**

**TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG**

**TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick**

**TG: OH SNAP**

**TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter**

**TG: you mean like the planet?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: well its that big sir**

**TG: hmm that sounds pretty big**

**TG: i have a question**

**TG: is it jupiter?**

**TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet fucking jupiter**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: anyway later**

John shook his head. **TG **could be pretty annoying sometimes. He stood and went over to the totem lathe, placing the pre-punched card in a slot as **TT **had said. A tool arm above deployed a configuration of chisels. John just needed something to lathe now.

Cursing his lack of foresight, John returned to the balcony to grab the cruxite dowel he had left on the Alchemiter. He was leery of his Dad, who was puzzling over the bathtub at the top of the stairs.

Meanwhile, **TT **continued to fix up the bathroom. She removed the manhandled cake from the toilet and placed it on the pogo ride. She then selected the toilet and moved it into the bathroom. It, and the section of ground it had been on, landed with a thud on the newly revised ground. _The perfect crime, _she thought to herself.

John returned from the balcony with the cruxite dowel. His Dad shrugged and began to walk back down the stairs, presumably going to do some more baking. If only he had known that John was hard at work saving his ass.

John re-entered his room and clamped the dowel in the lathe. He activated the lathe and the tool arm came down, carving a totem. John took the totem.

**EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing.**

**EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again?**

**EB: hello?**

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **is no longer connected! - **

**EB: uh…**

**TT **had been moving the bathtub back into the bathroom, but her lost connection caused the bathtub to fall in front of his door, blocking his exit. **2:10… 2:09… 2:08… 2:07…** The countdown continued as John fiddled with his doorknob. No. He was stuck. Literally this time. John was Homestuck.


	5. Book 1 Chapter 5: Rose Lalonde

Chapter 5: Rose Lalonde

A young lady stood in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house had just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This had severed her link to a popular video game she had been playing with one of her internet friends, a young man by the name of John. Her loss of power had occurred at a very critical moment and John was relying on this young lady to somehow reestablish her connection with him. This young lady was named…

Named…

What was she named again? Flighty broad? No, she looked too angry at the suggestion. That was just a name **TG **had called her. Oh, right! Rose Lalonde!

Rose looked around her room. She had a variety of interests, including rather obscure literature, creative writing (although she was somewhat secretive about it), the bestially strange and fictitious… Oh, come on? Seriously? Rose nodded and continued. She occasionally liked to dabble in psychoanalysis. Lastly, she liked to knit, which led to a very messy room. Oh, and, on occasion, if the right one struck her fancy, she would play videogames with her friends. There was a purple box on the right side of the room. Its contents were private to all but her, however, so she pushed it behind her, into her cabinet, and closed the wooden piece of furniture. She didn't keep her arms in there. No, seriously, she didn't keep her arms in there.

Rose wondered if, like John, she should consider doing something incredibly stupid at that moment. Should she have writhed like a flagellum and puked on the floor? Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone made her sick to the stomach. She used her arms to abjure the bed. See? She didn't keep her arms in the box! They had been right there all along.

Maybe she could stroke her writing journals while muttering "my precious" instead? She shook the the thought out of her head. She would only result to such embarrassing activities while no one was watching. That is, _you_, the reader, are watching. The journals were for Rose's eyes only.

Rose retrieved her violin from above the cupboard and played a haunting refrain on it. She wasted approximately 40 seconds playing while her friend was in peril. Wow, nice time management skills there.

While Rose wasted her time on the violin, John issued words of parting to dear, sweet Liv Tyler (who resided on John's Armageddon poster). Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would have fallen into John's arms for consolation, and **HE** would have been the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud.

Was _anyone _doing anything worth talking about? John's Dad perhaps? No, he was too focused on his baking. The kernelsprite was just hovering around randomly, appearing particularly aggravated. Rose and John were fooling around. And as for **TG** and **GG**… well, I mean, who knew what their deal was?

Wait, Rose stopped playing her violin! She stepped onto her bed and captchalogued her knitting supply bag. It occupied the left leaf card under the violin, per the tree modus's alphabetical sorting method.

K (knitting supply bag) V (violin)

Rose looked out her panoramic window, which offered a view of her yard below as well as the mausoleum housing her dead cat, Jaspers, who had died when she had been young. Rose's Mom had had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful irony in response to Rose's youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that was how she had come to interpret the gesture in retrospect.

She could also make out the silhouette of the laboratory next door through the rain. The facility likely broadcasted a strong wireless signal, to which she may have been able to connect to from a different part of the house. Perhaps if she sought higher ground?

Rose took her laptop from her desk and prepared to make the journey through the house. Her tree modus placed her laptop in the sylladex.

L (laptop) V (violin). Therefore, it would be on the left side of the tree.

L (laptop) K (knitting supply bag). Therefore, it would be on the right side of the K branch.

However, this caused the tree to be unbalanced, so Rose's sylladex auto-balanced itself. Now the laptop comprised the root card, while the other two items comprised the leaves.

KL. VL. The knitting bag went to the left side of the tree while the violin went to the right side of the tree.

Rose looked at the book on her desk: _Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious_. The book was absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of her ilk, of which there were very few. She captchalogued it in her sylladex.

G (grimoire) L (laptop). Left side of the tree.

GK. Far left leaf.

Rose then left her bedroom. Hanging just next to her door in the hallway was a painting of an exquisite wizard. Her mother collected the awful things ironically. She must have known how much Rose detested them, and there was no doubt in Rose's mind that her Mom stored the dreadful things in the house just to bother the poor girl.

Down the hall to the right lay the observatory. Perhaps she would be able to connect from up there? Her mother's room was also in that direction, however. Rose would have to watch her step. She tiptoed to a juncture in the hallway Beyond the juncture lay the observatory, but down the hallway on Rose's left was her Mom's room.

Rose traveled carefully along the wall. She was about to cross the juncture when a flash of lightning illuminated the crossing hallway. Her Mom's silhouette was visible, holding a martini glass in one hand like she usually did. Rose quickly snuck by, however, and another flash of lightning made it clear that her Mom had disappeared.

At the end of the hallway was a door that led to the observatory. Rose hadn't been up there in a while. She entered through the door, which opened to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance. She had seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things she would do to help out a friend. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the ground below the observatory.

Rose hurried through the door to the observatory and climbed the tower in a hurried manner. Because she _was_ in a hurry. Upon reaching the top, she placed her laptop down on the floor to get it situated. But removing it from the root card caused all the branches and leaves to be severed. Her items were unceremoniously dumped on the floor.

Before getting down to business, Rose thought it a good idea to see what was going on with the weather. She looked through the large telescope in the center of the observatory, finding a gap in the dark clouds. It seemed as though a flurry of smaller meteoroids was streaking steadily overhead. She wasn't sure what this meant, but it was certainly a bit disconcerting.

Anyway, Rose turned back to her computer. She placed it on top of the grimoire for maximum elevation. She would need every last advantage she could get.

She closed out of the SBURB Beta GameFaq walkthrough she had recently been looking at on her web browser Cetus and clicked on the green SBURB Beta spirograph logo. The server client came up and so did a list of available wireless networks. There were several signals being broadcasted from the lab, each of relatively decent strength. One of them was mysteriously and quite conveniently unsecured, requiring no password. Rose selected this signal and reconnected to the game with John. The timer was counting down from 41 seconds now and John was banging furiously at his keyboard as he conversed with Rose.

**TT: I'm back.**

**EB: hurry up and open my door!**

**EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!**

**TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.**

**EB: ?**

**TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card.**

**EB: so what is it, like an apple or something?**

**EB: what good will that even do?**

**TT: We'll see.**

**TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item.**

**TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session.**

**TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic].**

**EB: do we have enough of those building jewels to make it?**

**TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.**

**TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view.**

**TT: Now off you go.**

Rose attempted to open the door, but instead pulled it off of its hinges. Oops. There went the rest of the build grist. In any case, she placed the bathtub back in the bathroom. She… probably should have just done that in the first place instead of murdering John's house further with the door accident.

John rushed to the balcony and placed the newly carved totem on the small pedestal. Oh god, he had to get those stupid blocks off the Alchemiter before doing anything. The kernelsprite was freaking out more than it ever had before.

Rose took the blocks and stored them in the Phernalia Registry, potentially to be deployed at a later time.

As soon as the mechanical arm came down and scanned the totem, a blue tree appeared with one apple in it. The apple dropped into John's hands and the tree disappeared.

John hastily took a bite of the apple and waited for impact. The timer on the Cruxtruder slowly counted down the few remaining seconds. This was it; John could feel it. The end had come! It was do or die from here on out. Except John did nothing but stand there and wait for the meteor to come. His Dad stood in the kitchen, mixing bowl in hand, as the ground shook tremendously. "Kids," he muttered again, but this time he wasn't so sure. The meteor grew larger and larger as it approached, the kernelsprite growing more and more agitated… until finally, the meteor hit in a huge explosion that destroyed a third of John's neighborhood.

…

Years in the future, but not many, a Wayward Vagabond recorded a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust. The silhouette of a long abandoned town loomed in the distance. This Wayward Vagabond walked slowly, solemnly, with no company other than the desolate wind that echoed throughout the vast deserted plane.

The dunes stretched on for miles in either direction, such that the vagabond wasn't sure which direction he had come from, nor which direction he was going in. All he knew was the desert, the scorching sun, and his thirst.

His footprints led up a dune which what appeared to be a cliff face on the other side. The Wayward Vagabond's black carapace gleamed in delight as he saw over the other side. The old, gray sheets that he used for clothing shook as he shook inside of them. This was something new. This was something different. This was not the endless rolling sun-bleached hills of sand. This was cool, white, and made of something that the Wayward Vagabond thought was metal. He reached out with his carapacian hand and brushed some of the sand away from the thing. On it was a large green logo consisting of what appeared to be Venn diagrams minus the intersection. They were repeated over and over in a circle, overlapping each other to create a complex design. The Wayward Vagabond wasn't sure, but he thought it was called a spirograph.

Sburb Beta Walkthrough  
Version 1.0, April 13, 2009  
By tentacleTherapist

=============================== TABLE OF CONTENTS ===============================

1\. Caveats and Condolences... [0000]  
2\. Walkthrough (Incomplete)... [A000]

==================================================================================  
[0000] Caveats and Condolences

I'd be inclined to dispense with the trite even under less pressing circumstances.  
Needless to say I'll forego the inscrutable ASCII banner which typically heralds  
the striking freefall of these documents. I'll also resist the urge to brandish any  
copyright marks, or the particular neurosis that concerns itself with the theft of  
the utterly mundane - I'll allow other deranged prospectors to stake claims on  
their worthless plots as the woods burn around them. My introduction will be  
sparse. There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as  
we embark on this voyage together. Nor will there be any hamfisted prose whipping  
its limbs under a bedsheet like a retarded ghost, for that matter. I won't set the  
stage, or dim the lights. The mood, you will see, will be set soon enough.

Since you are reading this, chances are you have installed this game on your  
computer already. If this is true, like many others, you have just participated in  
bringing about the end of the world.

But don't beat yourself up about it. There was never anything you could have done  
to prevent it. The end is happening right now, as I type, and as you read. I have  
come to understand that we were always doomed through our collective ignorance, and  
now further doomed by those few who know, and struggle to flee. If you're lucky,  
you'll be among the smaller subset of the latter who are successful.

What I mean is, while that game you installed is just one more grinding slab of  
rock sealing our planet's crypt, it is also your only hope to live. I'm presently  
faced with the same conundrum as you, and though I speak with more experience, my  
own outcome is far from assured. I will "play the game", as much of it as there is  
to play, and record my findings here. If you want to live, you will do as I  
instruct.

My condolences.

~TT

Hmm… was this the end? Or merely the beginning? Or perhaps it was the beginning of the end. Or the end of the beginning. Whatever the case, John Egbert and Rose Lalonde were prepared for whatever was to come… except for monsters.


	6. Book 1 Chapter 6: A Mysterious Voice

Chapter 6: A Mysterious Voice

Yes, so John had bitten the apple. The meteor had hit. Now what? Everything began to go dark. The sunlight disappeared altogether. John's Dad's harlequins began to look more sinister. The fire in the fireplace went out. A pair of evil-looking white sunflower-seed-shaped eyes appeared in the darkness under John's bed. The bunny that Rose had PUT BACK IN THE BOX! remained where it was, but as it got darker, the poor creature seemed to get even more ragged and dirty. John's Dad stood in the kitchen with his mixing bowl, hand stopped mid-stir. His pipe slipped a bit from his mouth as he gaped in astonishment in the sudden change in background.

But where was the house? The main piece of ground that John's abode had been on along with a couple of land islands surrounding it were in the air. It wasn't floating, though; it was at least obeying the rules of gravity. It was merely stationed at the top of a very tall and precarious-looking piece of dirt. The farthest down that John could see was to a layer of clouds, which impeded his view. But as the boy peered over the edge of the balcony, where he still stood with the apple in one hand, he felt a rather strong sense of vertigo. He couldn't fall now. Not when he had made it this far. Still, there was no sun nor moon to be seen anywhere. All that surrounded the house was pure blackness as far as the eye could see.

Wait. Why was the kernelsprite still all agitated? Surely it didn't think there would be another meteor, did it? Then suddenly, the kernel, or the part surrounding the actual sprite, divided into two halves. One was white and the other black.

The black one went down, through the layer of clouds. It left a hole in the thick material. However, the black half of the kernel had been too small and too far away to provide John with a view of below the clouds.

The white half of the kernel flew up, creating a small amount of light in the sky and a bunch of morphing blue spirographs appeared, each one higher than the other. John could only make out four, but because the last one seemed so tiny, he thought it possible there could have been more.

What was left of the sprite underwent a mysterious transformation. Before John was a large blue floating harlequin doll.

_BOY._Hmm… that was odd. John could have sworn that he had heard something say "BOY", as if whispered in the periphery of his awareness. Eh. It had probably just been his imagination.

_YOU THERE. BOY. _ ...What?

_BOY. LISTEN TO ME BOY. _His name is John, you nincompoop, whoever you are.

_BOY WHO IS JOHN. DO AS I SAY. _And would exactly would that be?

_OBEY MY COMMANDS, JOHN BOY. _And those commands would be...?

_I WOULD LIKE THE BOY TO INTERACT WITH HIS ENVIRONMENT IN A CONSTRUCTIVE MANNER. _? Maybe you should be a little more specific?

_HAVE THE BOY ASSESS HIS CURRENT SITUATION._Ahh! You keep getting louder! Pipe down, will you? In any case, I'm afraid I can't "HAVE THE BOY" do that. Tell him to do it yourself.

_VERY WELL. _...Ok?

⇒ That instruction does not do anything at the moment!

⇒ Sigh. Could you please turn the controls over to a more competent user?

_ASLFSAKLADAK _Increasingly sophomoric. Also, you almost spelled "SALAD" in there.

_WHAT'S THAT _What's what? Oh, the kernelsprite? It looks a bit different now. After John bit the apple, the whole house seemed to be transported somewhere. Then the apple disappeared and the kernelsprite underwent a transformation. Aside from the change in appearance, the transformation doesn't seem to have any relevant ramifications. John still doesn't understand a word the idiot says.

_THE GHOST CLOWN. DO SOMETHING WITH IT. _The "ghost clown" is called the kernelsprite, you idiot! Or, rather just the sprite now, I suppose. You can't "do something" with it at the moment! The only thing you can theoretically do with it is a tier 2 prototyping, assuming that's still possible…

_TIER PROTO TYPE THE SPRITE, OR THE THING YOU SAID. DO IT._ Ugh… why did you have to interrupt me mid-rant? But anyway, you couldn't prototype it yourself if you wanted to. The SBURB server user is supposed to do that.

_PEEK OVER THE RAILING. _Getting close to the railing makes John nervous. It's a long way down.

_THIS LARGE PLATFORM. GOOD GRIEF, WHAT IS IT BOY _The Alchemiter created the apple, or the tree that sprouted it rather, right on time to save John from destruction. He's not sure if he can say the same for his neighborhood though. John wondered what happened to his Dad.

_EXAMINE THE STRANGE BLUE VASE. _It is a piece of cruxite John carved with the Totem Lathe. When its contours were scanned, the Alchemiter was able to produce that tree. How odd!

_BOY, OPEN THIS DOOR AND WALK THROUGH IT._ You mean "_John_, open this door and walk through it." Sure. That way, John will be able to see if his Dad is all right. He steps into the hallway.

_THAT MAN WITH THE HUMOROUS SPECTACLES. ADMIRE HIM. _Oh, Michael Cera. Your warm smile is a shining beacon in these dark times.

_I DETEST THIS! DISREGARD IT. _What, Michael Cera, or the harlequin painting? Oh, the harlequin painting? You have the sentiment in common with John then, I suppose.

_WHAT IS DOWN HERE. PROCEED BOY._John enters the side hallway that led to the bathroom and his Dad's room.

_I AM NOT FOND OF THIS SMUG FELLOW._The man. The myth. The legend. What do you have up your sleeve there, Harry Anderson? Look at that pokerface. He's not telling a soul!

_OPEN THE DOOR ON THE RIGHT_. John's Dad's room is still locked!

_GO IN THERE NOW, THEN._John proceeds into the bathroom on an odd whim. What are you planning, odd voice?

_YOUR PLUMBING APPEARS FAULTY. _Man, Rose did such a piss-poor job of fixing the bathroom. It would almost certainly be a mistake to try to use the toilet! John guesses he can just go pee over the edge of the cliff…

_PEER THROUGH THAT WINDOW_. John looked out the bathroom window. At least his back yard was salvaged too. Sort of… The swing set is only half-supported on the ground.

_LEAVE AT ONCE. _John leaves the bathroom. I'm starting to doubt that you know what you're doing.

_NO GO BACK._Sigh. John returns to the bathroom, mildly irritated.

_I MEANT TO THE HALL WITH THE HUMOROUS MAN. GO BACK BOY. _John returned to the main hallway. What was even the point.

_BOY GO IN HERE. _Again, it's John. Not boy. John goes into his room. His Pesterchum application is flashing and there are copious amounts of a black liquid pooling under his bed.

_INVESTIGATE THAT BLINKING DEVICE. _John sits at his computer.

**TT: John?**

**TT: Are you there?**

It seems as though he is still connected to the internet. Rose is trying to get in touch with him. John will reply in a second, once he has fully assessed the situation.

_THIS DOOR. EXPLAIN THIS._Look, whoever you are, we don't have time for this. We need to see if John's Dad is okay and there is nothing to accomplish in here.

_BEFORE YOU GO, OBSERVE THIS BOX._THE BUNNY IS NOT IN THE BOX. I SAID, THE BUNNY IS NOT IN THE BOX. WHY COULDN'T THE BUNNY BE IN THE BOX?

_GO OUT OF THE DOOR THAT IS NOT HERE. _Nice job this time, voice. John "goes out of the door that is not here."

He proceeds downstairs and into the kitchen. His Dad is not there.

_EXAMINE THE ARTWORK ON THE LARGE METAL MACHINE. _John's Dad was so proud when he'd drawn the doodle of a green ghost slime. He hung it up immediately and it's stayed there ever since. That was a week ago.

_THIS IS A TELEPHONE, BOY. USE IT. _John picks up the receiver but the line is dead.

_EXIT, BOY. _Ahem. You mean, "exit, John?" John passes through the utility room and exits via the back door.

_ADMIRE THE WALL-MOUNTED GADGET. _Through some mysterious force, even though the lines are severed, the power is still on. Quite bizarre.

_FIDDLE WITH THE BRIGHT SPARKLY THINGS. _Woah! That sounds incredibly dangerous. John sensibly disregards your awful advice.

_BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND._For the last time, this boy's name is John!

_FINE. JOHN. RETURN TO YOUR QUARTERS. _His Dad nowhere to be found, John goes back up to his bedroom, tiptoeing around the weird petroleum-based sludge.

_NOW JOHN. RESPOND TO YOUR FRIEND UNIT._

**TT: John?**

**TT: Are you there?**

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **is now an idle chum! - **

**EB: hey, yeah i'm here!**

**EB: and not dead i think.**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: I've been watching you scramble through the house like a lunatic.**

**TT: You should have answered me sooner.**

**EB: oh man, sorry, i was looking around for my dad and i can't find him anywhere!**

**EB: have you seen him?**

**TT: No. I'm sure he'll turn up.**

**TT: We have more important things to address right now.**

**EB: yeah, like where am i?**

**TT: I don't know that either. But I've determined your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact.**

**TT: I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world.**

**TT: And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.**

**EB: wow, ok.**

**EB: so then i guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?**

**TT: Perhaps.**

**EB: then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!**

**TT: Yes, but wait.**

**TT: We should retrieve your PDA. Yet again.**

**TT: It will help to keep tabs on each other while you investigate.**

**TT: I think I can get you closer to it, if I can replenish our grist supply somewhat.**

**TT: There may be a way to recycle some that we already used.**

**EB: ok.**

**TT: I'll meet you out on the balcony.**

**EB: wait, rose! one thing...**

**TT: What?**

**EB: you never even wished me a happy birthday!**

**EB: um... hello?**

**TT: I was working on something to send you, but I was running late with it.**

**TT: I didn't want you to think I believed meager well wishes alone would suffice for the occasion.**

**TT: That said, happy birthday, John.**

**EB: haha, oh jeez, that is silly!**

**EB: anyway, thanks!**

_FIRST, TAKE THE FABRIC ITEM ON THE FLOOR THERE. _The towel? Why? Oh well, you're the boss. John captchalogues the towel. What now?

_DO AS THE PURPLE TEXT SAYS. TO THE BALCONY. _John makes his way to the balcony per your awkwardly-worded request.

_WAIT. TAKE THAT. THE BLUE WOBBLY THING. _John whimsically decides to captchalogue the totem which was used to create the apple tree earlier.

_JOHN. RECYCLE THE GRIST AS WAS DICTATED BY YOUR COHORT. _John cannot do anything with the grist as of this moment! That is up to the SBURB player.

_I SEE. ⇒? _Rose deletes the perfectly generic objects she had stored in the phernalia registry. 6 units of build grist are restored to the Grist Cache. I'm sorry, did you say something, strange voice?

⇒ Rose expends the grist to drag a new plank from the balcony in the direction of the PDA. Miraculously, it has survived the explosion.

_JOHN. RUN ACROSS PRECARIOUS PLATFORM SWIFTLY. _John isn't sure about that. It's a long way down.

_BOY I SAID MAKE HASTE ON THE NARROW CATWALK! _John is very nervous about the idea, and the strident tone of your commands is starting to make him a little upset!

_FINE. PROCEED AS YOUR LEVEL OF COMFORT DICTATES._John cautiously makes his way across the catwalk, finally coming within range of the PDA. Rose retrieves it.

_NOW TAKE IT. _John grabs the PDA, launching one of the harlequin dolls into the night. He can kiss that one goodbye.

⇒⇒ Just one ⇒ command will suffice. Thanks. It looks like John's not the only one trying to locate his father after the disaster.

**ƒ ****wellPressedAtire** **\- ?:?**

**Submitting inquiry of concern over cataclysmic event. pipefan413 reply.**

**ƒ ****grayslacks66** **\- ?:?**

** pipefan413: status of health/wardrobe?**

**ƒ ****fedorafreak ****\- ?:?**

**neighboring house struck with flaming projectile. in light of fire hazard, evacuating house of all expensive garments**

**ƒ ****officeurchin1280** **\- ?:?**

**gl fedorafreak. salvage as many hats as is practical.**

**ƒ ****wellPressedAtire ****\- ?:?**

**fedorafreak, you are in our thoughts, along with pipefan413 and his enviable collection of pipes.**

**ƒ ****fedorafreak ****\- ?:?**

**ty all. report: most hats removed from danger. ties next.**

_**The above matters have been submitted in a frank and forthright manner for **__**pipefan413**_'_**s judicious appraisal.**_

_THESE BORING MEN ARE UNINTERESTING._

**TT: John, are you ok?**

**TT: You seem a bit tentative.**

**EB: i'm fine i guess.**

**EB: since i got here i feel compelled to do these weird things i don't really want to do.**

**EB: by some kind of voice that i can't really even hear. i don't know, it is hard to explain.**

**TT: Perhaps the early symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like post-traumatic stress?**

**EB: yeah, maybe. who knows!**

**TT: Well, if you can pull yourself together, there are a few more things we should try.**

**TT: Like prototyping the Kernelsprite again, if possible.**

**TT: We should hurry. My laptop battery won't last forever.**

**EB: Ok. I will go back inside.**

_NO DON'T DO THAT. HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR._ What? No! That sounds incredibly dangerous!

⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒ Now you're just being a pest. Which turnip truck did you tumble out of, anyway? Who are you?

Years in the future, but not many, an unsealed tunnel welcomed desert air into its stagnant depths. The tunnel led straight down into the sands with metal rungs each a foot apart leading down to the bottom. The interior was lavender and gray, and smelt of rotten pumpkin.

It was in this place that the Wayward Vagabond sat before a large computer with a screen interface shaped like a four-window house. The top right screen was on, displaying a boy with a blue apple in his hand standing next to an odd machine.

_ BOY. _The Wayward Vagabond typed. _ YOU THERE. BOY._


	7. Book 1 Chapter 7: ROTCB

Chapter 7: Raise of the Conductor's Baton

==================================================================================  
[A000] An Examination of the Basics

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a  
control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will  
find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are  
rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It's quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before  
reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the  
"cruxtruder" such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100]  
OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if  
your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does  
as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from  
merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly,  
and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured  
head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process  
which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air.  
The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a  
sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to  
present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create  
remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the  
TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these  
devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a  
key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure  
not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always "revise" the dimensions of  
rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting  
with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of "build grist", a commodity  
which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you'd best be advised to  
save for later.

\- THE CRUXTRUDER -

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit  
pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding.  
Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock  
is decorated, and then lost track of. The question "Who's mule is this?" at times  
can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe.  
The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the "Kernelsprite" is released.  
But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge.  
More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense "cruxite  
dowels". It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing  
more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these  
dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee  
retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two  
following items are needed to do the carving.

\- THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD -

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the  
specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed  
contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is "punched", like one used with antique  
computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds  
to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is  
"pre-punched" suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly  
imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this  
has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a  
middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

\- THE TOTEM LATHE -

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel  
a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The  
instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted  
into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your "key", which can then be  
used to "unlock" the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will  
diverge from my key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a  
terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are  
essentially the same—one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of  
varying black lines.

\- THE ALCHEMITER -

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small  
pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code  
analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from  
the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel  
results in the creation of a "perfectly generic object", which is a seemingly  
useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise  
you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist,  
ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly  
offers some insight into the game's use of the term "alchemy".

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the  
pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out  
to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you  
initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you  
probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your  
only means of escape.

When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

==================================================================================  
[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.  
==================================================================================

Rose stood, stretching her limbs, and peered out the window. In the distance, meteorites fell with greater frequency. The fire in the forest was so hot, not even the rain was putting it out. She checked her laptop battery. It would hold for now, but it wouldn't be for long. If the power in the house didn't come back on, she could think of one last resort: the small backup generator stored behind the mausoleum.

Rose returned to the game, where John was in the kitchen. There was a box of Betty Crocker cake mix on the counter, which Rose selected. She was going to try to prototype the sprite again.

**EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?**

**EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!**

**TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.**

**EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.**

**TT: I doubt it matters.**

**TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.**

**EB: fine.**

**EB: i GUESS.**

The sprite was playing hard to get though! Rose attempted to prototype the sprite with box and the sprite just kept ducking away. Rose figured this was what she got for originally prototyping it with something that engendered mischief and pranksterism!

_DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. _Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!

_What about the Sassacre text?_ Rose thought, selecting it.

**EB: OH YES, SWEET!**

**EB: now we're talking!**

**TT: See if you can distract it.**

**TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.**

_JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER._The sprite finds the distracting manner in which John flails about to be rather distracting.

But… not quite enough. Just as Rose brought the Sassacre text near the sprite, it bolted, eluding her once again. Not even the great Colonel could outfox it! In narrowly missing with her attempt to create the Colonelsprite, she dropped the massive tome. The entire house rattled under the astonishing girth of the book.

In the other room, Nanna's ashes dumped onto the sprite (the urn had fallen over from the shaking), which was caught unawares by the dousing.

_INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT. _John returned to the living room to find the urn toppled again! This time he was quite sure it wasn't his fault. The sprite was nowhere to be found.

**EB: aw man, where'd it go?**

**TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.**

**TT: No time to worry about it.**

**TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.**

**TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.**

**TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.**

**EB: what, there's a fire?**

**TT: There will be soon.**

**EB: oh jeez!**

**EB: so move this thing already!**

Rose selected to Cruxtruder, but it cost 100 grist to move it, and there was no grist at all to be had.

**TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.**

**TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.**

**EB: how much do you have?**

**TT: Zero.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: hmm.**

**EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!**

**TT: I have a better idea.**

**TT: Meet me upstairs.**

_DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY. _John was about to head upstairs when he thought he heard a faint chuckle behind him. It had been along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

Something blue appeared behind him and John turned, only to find nothing. He heard a laugh from the other direction again and turned. He saw nothing again. There was another laugh from behind him and he turned to see nothing yet again.

_IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS. _John wasn't sure he had even seen a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was that John might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave him the willies. He headed upstairs on his way to the balcony. His PDA was acting up again.

_INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT._

**TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes**

**EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!**

**TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen**

**EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!**

**EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.**

**EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!**

**TG: huh**

**TG: for real**

**EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!**

**TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this**

**EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.**

**TG: no thisll be dope check it**

**EB: no, i have to go! bye!**

**TG: wait wait**

**TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us**

**TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous**

**TG: sending men in space for savin us**

**TG: see which playa's more couragerous**

**TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce**

**TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it**

**TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it**

**TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous**

**TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss**

**TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous**

**TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous**

**TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust**

**TG: wait**

**TG: uh**

**TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he**

**TG: ill have to make a rap about**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: morgan freeman or something**

**TG: being the president**

**TG: itll be called**

**TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"**

**TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on**

**TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies**

_ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT. _John headed out to the balcony to find out what Rose had in mind. She was messaging him again.

_THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE PURPLE TEXT._

**TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.**

**EB: whoa, ok.**

**TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.**

**EB: but the door is locked!**

**TT: Then break a window.**

**EB: but it's my dad's car :(**

**TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.**

**TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.**

**EB: alright.**

Rose picked the car up and lifted it to the balcony. However, before she could reach the top, her battery died and the connection with John was lost. The car fell below the clouds, taking a piece of the driveway with it.

_RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE. _John was inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happened. He double checked his PDA to make sure if Rose was really gone. Indeed, it seemed to be the case. **TG **was still pestering him, of course, but another chum was logged in now as well.

_WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?_

**GG: im back!**

**EB: oh hi!**

**GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard**

**EB: was it by any chance a meteor?**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: how did you know?**

**EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!**

**EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?**

**GG: no i am fine!**

**GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it**

**GG: and its pretty big!**

**GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it**

**GG: so i came home**

**GG: he seems to think its dangerous!**

**EB: well gosh, he's probably right!**

**GG: anyway what have you been up to john?**

**GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O**

**EB: er...**

**EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.**

**GG: oh no!**

**EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.**

**EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.**

**GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!**

**EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.**

**EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.**

**EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!**

**GG: O_O**

**GG: well...**

**GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...**

**GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!**

**GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny**

**GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!**

**EB: wow, you think so?**

**GG: yes!**

**EB: well ok, BUT.**

**EB: it's not even that simple!**

**EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.**

**EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!**

**EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!**

**EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.**

**GG: hahaha**

**GG: he is so silly!**

**EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.**

_THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN._

**TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at**

**TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat**

**TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"**

**TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin**

**TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension**

**TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned**

**EB: aaaaaarrrgh!**

**TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick**

**TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit**

**TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint**

**TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention**

**EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!**

**EB: i have something important to talk about.**

**TG: whats up**

**EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!**

**TG: ok**

**EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.**

**EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!**

**TG: my copy?**

**TG: thats going to be tough**

**EB: why?**

**TG: i lost it**

**TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it**

**TG: shit be embarrassing yo**

**EB: i thought you said you had two?**

**TG: well yeah**

**TG: one is my brothers copy**

**EB: ok, well get his then!**

**TG: alright**

**TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that**

**EB: whatever.**

**EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.**

**TG: oh man**

**EB: what?**

**TG: nothing really**

**TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?**

**EB: /ROLLS EYES**

Rose's laptop was out of battery power. there was only one thing to do. It was time to make her way to the backup generator back behind Jasper's mausoleum. She was about to knit a laptop cozy for her laptop to shield it from the rain, when she realized that it would be such a waste of time! Besides, she already had one in her bag that she'd knitted a while ago. She applied the cozy to her laptop and captchalogued the laptop. The grimoire was still on the floor, so Rose picked it up, wondering if she should allocate it to her strife specibus. That would have been incredibly ill-advised, however. There were some dark forces you just didn't want to mess with. Rose understood better than most. She put the book back down.

She captchalogued the knitting bag and the grimoire again, in that order. It was always a logistic puzzle when it came to her tree modus. The tree auto-balanced, leaving the knitting bag accessible in the root card. Rose proceeded to allocate her knitting needles to her strife specibus. She felt a lot more comfortable with them as a weapon. She was so handy with them, in fact, she felt like she could probably use them filet a sword fish.

In allocating the knitting needles to the strife specibus, Rose lost her root card, severing the tree. Hey, she had to be careful with all that stuff! Thankfully she managed to catch the grimoire and laptop before they hit the ground though.

She wondered what she could do to soothe her nervous. Quickly, of course, before she went over to the mausoleum. She decided to knit a plush cthulhu doll. But that would also have been a preposterous waste of time! Besides, she was quite sure she'd never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are other specimens of the zoologically dubious that she was familiar with. Such as…

Fthulhu: Foul Patriarch of Misery. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle was to know the Epoch of Joy had come to an abrupt end.

Nrub'yglith, Shamebeast King of Grotesquery, Writhe Lord of the Moist Brotherhood. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks caused one's bones to explode.

And of course, Oglogoth, The Deep One. Whenever he ground his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere would frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He was the first and smallest of the Smaller Gods, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of Middling Gods which catered to the whims of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the Furthest Ring.

And then… there was a strange page in the grimoire containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. She'd never been sure what the diagrams were getting at. They looked like images of windows and plugs.

Rose captchalogued the grimoire, laptop in the cozy, and her violin, making her way down the stairs. She figured that had been enough dallying. It was time to get a move on.

She wondered if this rain would ever let up. It had driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knew to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threaded the strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it feared to be impossible to play. And so it threaded on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How she hated this season. "April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain" (American sports legend, Charles Barkley).


	8. Book 1 Chapter 8: Dave Strider

Chapter 8. Dave Strider

Rose entered the hallway. She was certain that her mother was lurking near by. She began to steel herself for the inevitable unpleasant confron… OH PSYCHE

There was this really cool dude, okay? He was standing around being all chill, as cool dudes were known to do sometimes. A cool dude like this probably had a really cool name. But he probably wouldn't say what it was. He'd be way too busy. He'd be way too busy being totally sweet!

But he wondered what his name was. If he were right, he realized, he would nod ever so slightly. Because that was a cool dude's of letting someone know that there might just be hope for them yet without being overly blatant about it.

Insufferable Prick? Of course not! This guy didn't have the time for such bullshit. Dave Strider? The cool dude's shades gleamed ever so slightly.

Dave looked around his room. It was an unseasonably warm April day. His bedroom window was open to let some air in, and his fan was cranked. Arguably even more cranked would have been his fly beats, which was one of his interests. A cool dude like Dave was sure to have had plenty. He had a penchant for spinning out unbelievably ill jams with his turntables and mixing gear. He also liked to rave about bands no one had heard of but himself. He liked to collect weird dead things preserved in various ways and was an amateur photographer, managing his own makeshift darkroom. In addition, he maintained a number of ironically humorous blogs, websites, and social networking profiles. And if inspiration struck, he wouldn't hesitate to drop some phat rhymes on a mofo and _represent_!

Dave wondered if she should retrieve his arms from his cinderblocks. Nah. What about getting the damn Beta and saving his friend's life! The notion struck him as nonsensical. He couldn't quite imagine how a video game could save someone's life, and in any case, he was quite sure that no one he knew was in any danger. Anyway, the copies of the Beta next to his turntables he'd received in the mail recently. He'd labeled them with his name in bold red print to distinguish them from his Bro's copies, who had labeled his in kind. Neither of them really gave a shit about the game or had any intention of playing it, but he'd be damned if he'd let that get in the way of his campaign of one-upmanship.

Dave briefly considered doing something stupid like John and Rose. Maybe he could have bleated like a goat and pissed on his turntables? But, no, alas. He'd never allow any fluid even remotely resembling urine to touch his beloved turntables. That would risk breaking them, and a world without the gift of Dave's godly science just didn't sound like a place he wanted any part of. While he was at it, he might as well have wiped out human civilization with something ridiculous like a meteor or something. That would probably never happen anyway though. That sort of thing only happened in stupid idiot movies for stupid idiots. He did, however, actually contemplate bleating like a goat for ironically humorous purposes at a later date.

Dave's closet was where he kept a lot of his crap. Like that blue box an that bottle of… what was that? Was that…

He looked inside the blue box. It was a little birthday package that John Egbert had sent him for his 13th birthday. It now contained nothing but a note and a certificate of authenticity vouching for the genuine Hollywood memorabilia that the box had originally contained, and which he was now wearing to be ironic but also to be incredibly cool in a way somehow intangibly related to the ironic nature of the accessory. Dave found it sort of exasperating to explain these subtleties to people. The box also included a signed photo of Ben Stiller which now proudly hung in his closet. Proudly and ironically.

He captchalogued the box into his sylladex through the hash map fetch modus. The hash function resolved the index by valuing each consonant at 2 and each vowel at 1. The total was then divided by the number of cards in what was called a modulus, and the remainder was the index.

BOX = 2 + 1 + 2 = 5.

5 % 10 = 5.

The box was captchalogued into card 5 of Dave's sylladex.

Dave proceeded to look at the jar of the unknown yellow substance in his closet. Oh hell yes. It was an unopened container of apple juice! He thought he'd been all out. It was like fucking christmas up in there. This was so great. Dave had to tell John about it immediately. He'd be so excited. Dave captchalogued the "juice".

JUICE = (2 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 1) % 10 = 7

The jar was sent into card 7 of his sylladex.

Dave stepped over to his computer. In addition to letting his buddy know about this outstanding juice windfall, he figured he'd wish the boy a happy birthday while he was at it. In his own cool, roundabout way, of course. Good thing he'd looked that box John had sent him, or else he would have forgotten. Dave also might as well ask him about the Beta. The kid had been harping on him and the others about it for weeks. It would have be cool if it came on John's birthday. He would have been one happy camper.

Dave's desktop background was from one of his favorite comics, _And it Don't Stop_. On his desktop he had two red folders, one entitled "Ill Beats" and the other "Dope rhymes. So dope." Also on his desktop sat his three main programs - his web browser Hephaestus, Pesterchum 7.0, and Complete Bullshit.

He opened Pesterchum and looked at the moods. It was certainly an improvement from that silly Pesterchum 6.0, which had a very large variety of moods. It went: Chummy, Mystified, Amazing, Insolent, Bemused, Pranky, Smooth, Pleasant, and Rancorous. And this time all of the logos were different. For example, Smooth had a logo with a yellow face and black shades.

He pestered John, as has been seen before, and then he hopped online, viewing sites indicative of his interests. The first was .com. This was Dave's ironically maintained blog where he posted monthly satirical review of GameBro Magazine. The March issue main article was entitled "grand snack fuckyeah" and the cover was of various types of chips coalesced into some sort of colorful chip collage.

review of gamebro's march issue - March 13, 2009.

oh man.

when this heady volume of unabridged awesome hit my doorstep it made a sort of thunderclap, like the kind im sure moses heard when god dropped stone tablets containing a review of a game involving the ambiguous marriage of insane stunts and extreme hunger management solutions for dudes on the go. it's like you see that little bag of chips there? you just grab it and go bro, and keep thrashing shit up.

i am so "hella pumped of" this. there are some obvious questions. like just HOW outrageous are these snacks? will popular beverages play a role, and how critical will they be in your quest to attain absolute sweetness? Will this game land the coveted but elusive 5 hats out of 5 hats?

Dave had been meaning to write a review for the latest issue too, but he'd sort of been dogging it. Something about the game they'd been reviewing somehow hadn't struck Dave as ripe for satirical purposes.

In a new tab, Dave opened another one of his sites, a webcomic ironically maintained through a satirical cipher vaguely similar to that of his blog. It was called _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff,_ or SBAHJ for short. He had legions of devoted fans, most of whom were totally convinced of his creative persona's sincerity. Which was just how he liked it.

COMIC #1: man listen, stairs. i am TELLING you!

Sweet Bro: i can't wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and play all these games

Sweet Bro: FUCK IM FALLING DOWN ALL THESE STAIRS ….

Hella Jeff: I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO! I TOLD YOU DOG!

Sweet Bro: IT KEEPS HAPPENING

Hella Jeff: I TOLD YOU MAN. I **TOLD** YOU ABOUT STAIRS!

COMIC #2: HE HE HE

Sweet Bro: ERRR… UH BRO….?

Hella Jeff: YEAH DUDE

Sweet Bro: WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS…..?

Hella Jeff: i took them offbecause i was banging your mom for a minute there….

Hella Jeff: AND NOW YOU ARE BANGING HER

Hella Jeff: HE HE HE

That was enough. Dave decided to check out the latest page of the Midnight Crew. He figured as long as he was chilling at his computer he might as well see how that new MSPA story was going. He hadn't looked at it for a while.

**Midnight Crew**

You are members of a sinister gang called the midnight crew. Your nefarious plots are serpentine in their complexity. Your schemes convoluted. You are planning a heist in your underground hideout.

What will you do?

**Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.**

Spades Slick uses Occam's Razor to carve a circular hole into the heist plans, freeing it from the knife. You wonder what moron would jam the knife so hard into the table in the first place.

**SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots**

You push against the manhole cover, but it seems some unbelievable jackass has parked your getaway van on top of it. A familiar feeling stirs. That feeling is overwhelming, soul-blackening rage. It's the sort of rage that will make a man feel totally justified in sporting an unnecessarily elaborate assortment of fancy blades.

Dave wasn't sure where he'd left off, so he jumped way ahead. He always forgot to save his place in the story. It appeared as though tempers may have become short in the pressure cooker already. He speculated that the tipping point may have been an ill-advised motion for a game of 52 pick-up.

There was a club on the floor and a large chunk missing from Hearts Boxcar's door, through which came a wire plugging in a blender to the side. A mysterious arm extended from a blue portal in the door. Hmm… Dave went back a page. It wasn't there. He went back to the page he had just been on, only to find that it had disappeared again. Hm. That was odd. Dave thought little of it, however, because the Midnight Crew were now hitting each other over the head with arbitrary weapons. The table had collapsed somehow, the legs broken off.

Dave clicked save. Even though the adventure had just begun, it was already over 3000 pages long. He didn't have time for that bullshit. He'd catch up later. Besides, someone was pestering him. He was pretty sure he knew who it was.

**TT: In some cultures the persistent refusal of a lady's invitation to play a game with her would be a sign wanton disrespect.**

**TT: Either that, or flagrant homosexuality.**

**TG: what oh no**

**TG: no look**

**TG: im busy ok**

**TG: ive got a lot of shit on my plate**

**TG: i am sort of a big deal ok?**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: Sometimes I wonder how you are ever allowed to pay for meals in restaurants.**

**TT: It must be hard to keep a low profile when you're always overhearing awed voices whisper, "It's that guy who has a blog."**

**TG: seriously**

**TG: dudes be worshipping me left and right**

**TG: i cant hardly walk down the street without stepping over torsos of the prostrate**

**TT: Navigating the urban landscape I'm sure is difficult enough without an obstacle course of deferential flesh and skyward asses.**

**TT: Perhaps adapting the art of parkour to your unique environment would help?**

**TG: yeah!**

**TG: i mean damn**

**TG: like theres this scruffy little shit at my feet**

**TG: an orphan or something i dont know**

**TG: face flush on the pavement**

**TG: im like dude you listening for a stampede of buffalo or something?**

**TG: he braves a look at me then gives my shoe a little kiss and scurries the fuck off**

**TT: Heavy is the crown.**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: not kicking oliver twist in the fucking face every day is my gift to the world i guess**

**TT: Breathtaking magnanimity!**

**TG: among other things**

**TG: i just give and fucking give**

**TT: Indeed, nary a jewel tumbles from your wishbox of daily exploits which I imagine does not sparkle.**

**TG: oh for fucks sake**

**TG: youre just lobbying for me to play that dumb game**

**TT: Baseless accusation!**

**TG: look i am telling you**

**TG: egbert is ALL ABOUT that game**

**TG: he will play it with you and probably be tickled retarded about it**

**TT: I know this very well.**

**TT: I cannot hasten his mail's delivery, however.**

**TG: yeah yeah**

**TG: ill hassle him some more about it**

**TG: and look how about this**

**TG: if you ever find yourself in the position where your life depends on me playing that piece of shit game, then ill play**

**TG: will that make you happy**

**TT: More than you know.**

**TT: It perfectly mollifies my grief over the demise of chivalry.**

_JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING._Meanwhile in the present, in a place where "the present" may have been of dubious merit, John was spacing out.

But a vague and forceful thought jolted him to attention. Or maybe it was that bumping sound coming from the other side of the door. What was that?

⇒ _? _A thick, black, unpleasant fluid pooled out from beneath the door.

_TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS. _John exited the balcony. There was a trail of the fluid in the hall leading to his room.

Dave decided he'd had enough of his computer for a while. He felt like he'd been messing around on it all week. It was time to get his jam on. He pulled up to his trusty Akai MPC-1000 Sampler and prepared to get sicknasty.

Dave wasted the next ten minutes playing hauntingly sick beats. They were so fresh they belonged in the produce aisle, what was he was talking about. Soccer mom's would be thumpin' that shit for ripeness like melons. Know what I'm sayin'? It would have been a crime to not reward himself with a celebratory SWIG of juice.

SWIG = (2 + 2 + 1 + 2) % 10 = 7.

The apple juice flew out of his sylladex and into his hand. He popped the top off, but… but… he couldn't do it! John had got him all twisted up inside now. All he could about was Howie Mandel's gross monster piss. Damn you, Egbert! He recaptchalogued the juice.

Dave was about to allocate the swords on his wall to his strife specibus, when he remembered that it was already allocated with the bladekind abstratus! Which meant that he could certainly use his swords in his strife deck! He could wield the ninja sword once it was in his strife deck. But he'd have to captchalogue it first before moving it there. So Dave captchalogued the NINJA SWORD.

NINJA SWORD = 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 = 17.

17 % 10 = 7.

The ninja sword was captchalogued in Dave's 7 card, expelling the JUICE (7) from his sylladex. It splashed all over his turntables and his copies of the Beta. Argh!

Dave decided to get a towel from the bathroom across the hall. He glanced at one of the many radical puppets in his Bro's collection that was hanging in the hallway and nodded in approval. Was there anything not awesome about his Bro? Dave thought not.

He entered the bathroom. On the floor was a damp towel that he could probably use for the crisis. He stopped to pay a little respect to one of his Bro's boys up in the shower.

"Hey lil' man. How's it hangin'?"

He captchalogued the DAMP TOWEL.

DAMP TOWEL = 2 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 15.

15 % 10 = 5.

The damp towel was captchalogued in Dave's 5 card, expelling the BOX (5) from his sylladex. Dave set the box on the toilet and wrung out the towel to make it less damp. Now it was just a TOWEL.

TOWEL = 2 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 2 = 8.

8 % 10 = 8.

The towel was captchalogued in his sylladex, and he grabbed the BOX (5) again while he was at it. He returned to his room to CLEAN (2 + 2 + 1 + 1 + 2 = 8 % 10 =8) the juice up as best he could with the TOWEL (8). He hung the Beta Client and Server copies up by his window to dry off. In the breeze of his room fan, the betas jostled near the open window. The arrangement was disconcerting. If they fell out, it would sure be a stupid way to lose them.

Dave turned the fan off, averting the crisis. He couldn't imagine that it would resurface later in any way, shape, or form. The beta was as good as his, forever.

He thought about pestering Egbert again. Yeah, he wondered if the boy had gotten the Beta yet. He thought they might also chat about their respective sylladices and fetch modi, if the topic happened to come up. Dave wondered if John was anywhere near as smooth with his sylladex as Dave was with his. Probably not. It probably wasn't even humanly possi…

Suddenly, a rambunctious crow flew in through the open window and snatched the Beta up with its vile talons. Perhaps it wanted to build a nest, or perhaps it was just for the sake of being a brainless feathery asshole.

"Stop!" Dave yelled.

STOP = (2 + 2 + 1 + 2) = 7 % 10 = 7.

The ninja sword was accidentally launched out of his sylladex and everything went flying, dead bird and all. Dave put his hands over his mouth. No one could ever know about this.

He looked out the window. Yeah, he could pretty much kiss all that stuff goodbye. He felt sorry for the bird, but at least he'd never planned on ever using that Beta, ever.

Anyway, now that that bit of ugliness was behind him, he figured he could look forward to several more hours of messing around in his room WOAH WAIT WHAT?! Was that a wizard?


	9. Book 1 Chapter 9: Of Wizards and Imps

Chapter 9: Of Wizards and Imps

Rose prepared to descend the stairs to her living room. She was standing eye-to-eye with a familiar foe, a 20-foot tall granite statue of the mighty wizard, Zazzerpan the learned. Her Mom had had him installed through a hole in the roof with a heavy-duty crane. Just look at that mystical gaze. To peer into those aloof, glassen eyes was to arrest the curiosity of any mortal. To behold the wisdom concealed in the furrows of that venerable face was to know the ceaseless joys of bewonderment itself. Any man so fortunate as to catch askance his merry twinkle or twitch of whisker would surely have all his dreams fulfilled. Rose found the grisly abomination utterly detestable.

She would psychoanalyze her Mom's love for wizards if there were anything to psychoanalyze at all. Her Mom clearly had no actual affinity for the damnable things. She only collected them to spite Rose. If anything, Rose's Mom found them even more repellent than Rose herself. She was just a very committed woman.

Rose descended the stairs to the living room area of her home's expansive open layout. There was the sound of rushing water from beneath the floor, which tended to strike guests as a strange presence in a living space, but it'd become hardly audible to Rose through familiarity.

There was the front door. But hopefully there was no need to make the long trek around the house through the pouring rain. She might as well have seen if she could slip through the kitchen and out the back unnoticed.

Rose looked at the solid copper vacuum statue. Actually it was bronze. But it hadn't always been. A while ago, Rose had given the ironic gift to her Mom for Mother's Day. Rose had even customized it with a drink holder to support one of her ubiquitous alcoholic beverages. Her Mom had "liked" the gift so much, she'd had it bronzed and placed on a pedestal. She'd even left it plugged in so it could be turned on now and then. But never to do any cleaning. It never left the display. Sometimes at night, when Rose was in her room, she could hear it wailing downstairs. Her Mom must have known that she could hear it. She was completely deranged.

Rose looked over at the pretty princess doll as well. It was too big to captchalogue, a large doll that had been sitting on the couch for the past few months, ever since her Mom had gotten it for her on her birthday as a totally passive-aggressive gesture. Rose had decided to make it much less abominable by knitting Her Majesty a new head and new arms to make her an eldritch princess. Rose smiled mischievously every time she walked by the doll now. Her Mom hadn't removed the doll yet, and probably never would. She would never be the first to blink.

Rose grabbed an umbrella for protection from the elements.

U L. Right side of the tree.

U V. Left branch of the right side.

She was going to have a hell of a time accessing that card when she needed it. She guessed she'd just cross that bridge later.

Rose peeked into the kitchen, where the liquor bottles were out in full force. Her Mom was surely nearby. Her refrigerator sat in the dead center of the room. Its surfaces had customarily served as the battlefield for a chilly siege of passive-aggressive one-upmanship. There was a drawing on the top of her cat Jaspers which she'd done when she'd been younger, along with a poem about him. Rose's Mom had bought an ostentatious $15,000 dollar silver frame for it that she had welded to the door.

Using the colorful magnetic letters on the bottom of the fridge, Rose had recently left a succinct message, "shrevv," which may or may not have been directed at anyone in particular. She hadn't been able to find any w's, so she'd just stuck two v's together.

Her mother had then purchased a pack of w's and left them there for Rose's convenience. Appreciative of the thoughtful gesture, Rose had left her a sincere thank you note, which she'd had legally notarized, and then marked with a drop of blood.

But part of the note had been touching the floor, so Rose's Mom had been kind enough to lift the lower portion of the document with a velvet pillow.

Rose ripped open the pack of w's and held one in front of her face as a fake moustache. This was incredibly silly, and she was not sure how it fit into her campaign against her mother or getting her computer back online to escape her DOOM! But it was hard to resist getting a bit silly sometimes, especially when she was positively sure that no one was watching. Except for you, the reader. But you don't exactly count.

Rose captchalogued the w.

W L. W V. Right branch of the right side of the tree.

But that unsightly void in the w pack wouldn't do, nor would the gash in the plastic. Rose deposited 12 cents in its place, which was her approximation of how much the letter was worth. She also vowed to return and sow up the tear in the plastic.

How was she going to one-up her mother next? She had to address the pillow situation somehow. It seemed the woman had Rose at a clear disadvantage. Perhaps slipping a fresh doily under the pillow would do the trick? Or maybe spilling a drop of worcestershire sauce, and then having it dry-cleaned and returned along with a laboriously ingratiating apology letter? No, there was no time for anything like that.

"Or maybe," she said, "(just thinking aloud here), I could use the entire pack of w's as m's!" Oh yes, that would burn, but she'd already done something with the w pack. There was no need to go back and gild that lily. This was delicate business. And that pillow was screaming for rebuttal.

Finally, she decided to captchalogue the pillow, lovingly embroider a poem on it in praise of motherhood, and then return it before anyone noticed it was gone.

Ve (Velvet Pillow) L. Ve Vi. Ve U. Right branch of the left side of the right side of the tree.

So unbalanced. Except the tree auto-balanced, leaving the umbrella accessible as the root card. That was just one of the many things Rose loved about her tree modus. The happy surprises.

But enough was enough. Rose turned to exit the house via the back door when, suddenly, a wild Mom appeared! Rose wasn't sure how she did that. She was never safe in her house as long as her mother was around. Rose jumped back and hid behind the fridge before her Mom could spot her. She peered around the corner. Of all the things to be doing during a power outage, she was sweeping the floor, up to her ironic housewife routine again. The mop bucket didn't even have any water in it, Rose was sure. What an absolute madwoman. This bird had to fly.

Rose sprinted for the couch, leaping over the counter. Her Mom stopped sweeping to watch the girl fly in an arc over the couch in a youth roll. Except she landed in a pile of wizard statuettes on the floor. Lousy goddamn stupid things.

Meanwhile, in the past again, Dave had almost finished patching up the broken window with the gaffer tape. But it was sort of hard to get any work done when people kept pestering him all day. He figured he had better see who wanted what now.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **at 18:36 - **

**GG: hi dave!**

**TG: hey sup**

**GG: not much sup with you!**

**GG: bro! hehehe**

**TG: haha**

**TG: good one**

**TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes**

**GG: great! feeling cool today?**

**GG: mr cool guy?**

**TG: oh man you know it**

**GG: sooooo cooooooool!**

**TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here**

**TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you**

**GG: :D**

**GG: so have you talked to john today?**

**TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex**

**TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous**

**GG: lol**

**GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!**

**TG: what was it you use again...**

**TG: wait nm**

**TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john**

**GG: :)**

**GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet**

**GG: i think it did!**

**TG: yeah?**

**GG: and i think mine came too**

**TG: so uh**

**TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?**

**GG: no!**

**GG: he will not open it**

**GG: he will lose it!**

**TG: oh**

**TG: uh**

**TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?**

**GG: no its good actually!**

**GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it**

**GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!**

**TG: see like**

**TG: i never get how you know these things**

**GG: i dont know**

**GG: i just know that i know!**

**TG: hmm alright**

**GG: anyway i have to go!**

**GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking**

**TG: man**

**TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off**

**GG: heheheh!**

**GG: i dont think i could if i tried!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok**

**GG: ._.**

**GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain**

**GG: it is usually...**

**GG: intense!**

**TG: well yeah isnt it always with family**

**TG: but he sounds like a total badass**

**GG: yeah he totally is!**

**GG: anyway gotta go!**

**TG: see ya**

**GG: 3**

Dave picked up his PHONE (2+2+1+2+1 = 8 % 10 = 8), figuring it was good to have it on standby at all times so that he wouldn't have to go back to his computer every time someone pestered him. This way he could TEXT MESSAGE (2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2+1+2+1 = 18 % 10 = 8) people no matter what outrageously cool or ironic thing he happened to be doing at the time.

The TOWEL (2+1+2+1+2 = 8 % 10 = 8) got expelled from his sylladex. SO. COOL. The towel landed on his head.

Even meanerwhile, in the present. Sort of...

_JOHN, PURSUE ADVERSARY INTO THAT ROOM. _He entered the room. Once again, the slippery antagonist had eluded John. He only found more of those unpleasant black oily smears. Someone was pestering him. Both his PDA and computer were going off.

_THIS CHUM WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO._

**TG: alright**

**TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game**

**EB: oh, good!**

**EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok**

**TG: well if she comes back ill be ready**

**TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly**

**TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle**

**TG: and they always do**

**EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?**

**TG: FU**

**TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword**

**TG: end of story**

**EB: ok i don't really care.**

**EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.**

**EB: like monsters or something.**

**TG: howie?**

**EB: haha I WISH.**

**TG: dude monsters arent real**

**TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies**

**EB: maybe. yeah you're right.**

**TG: what are you an idiot**

**TG: of course there are monsters in your house**

**TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on**

**TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes**

**TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"**

**TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it**

**TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet**

**TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"**

**TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there**

**EB: ok ok stop!**

**EB: what do i do?**

**TG: what do you have a hammer**

**TG: man so lame**

**TG: ok whatever**

**TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex**

**TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds**

**TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.**

**EB: how's it going there?**

**TG: im out in the living room hes usually here**

**TG: but i dont see him**

**TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit**

**TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far**

**EB: hahaha.**

**EB: oh god.**

**EB: SO LAME.**

**TG: what**

**EB: see...**

**EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.**

**EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.**

**TG: oh lil cal? no man**

**TG: lil cal is the shit**

**EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.**

**TG: yeah bullshit**

**TG: cal is dope**

**TG: puppets are awesome**

**TG: john egbert blows**

**TG: the end**

**EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!**

**EB: i'm going to read.**

**EB: good luck with your bro.**

_READ YOUR BOOK. STAY WARY OF THESE FOES. _Pff… monsters. Only retarded babies who pooped in their diapers believed in that stuff. John held _Data Structures for Assholes_ in both hands and prepared to begin reading. Meanwhile, at the same time at least, something was chewing on his bed. This something was all black and wore a jester hat.

Rose attempted to perform another youth roll out the door, but her Mom appeared and blocked her way.

**STRIFE!**

Rose began aggrieving. She wielded her knitting needles and hit her Mom repeatedly with them until the woman performed the very effective Blotto-Parry. Her Mom then used Guardian Rubric: Ironic Indulgence and procured a beautiful pony. Rose countered with a passive-aggressive attack, pretending to jump at her Mom, but at the last second, she turned, did a roll, and placed the needles in the electric socket in an empty suicide threat. Rose's Mom then used another Guardian Rubric: Ironic Indulgence, holding her alcoholic drink in front of Rose's face. Rose abstained by Auto-Perrier-ing.

Rose's Mom turned and began to ironically dust the door. It seemed as though she had fulfilled her Strife quota for the day. No point in going out the front door anymore, not with her Mom there. She might as well have headed out the black, like she'd originally planned.

She looked at the beautiful pony and gave her a begrudging pat on the snout. Her name was Maplehoof.

_JOHN TURN AROUND! _He's trying to read, okay? That book is already unpleasant enough as it is without weird voices in his head nagging him to do things. Besides, I thought we already agreed there is no such thing as monsters.

Chapter 7

God Damn It, Why Do I Even Bother?

The good news: finally your revolting incompetence can be put to use. Instead of accidentally firing a sylladex full of steak knives into a priceless oil painting or your beloved great aunt, you can turn that fumbling fury toward one of your foes, such as the ability to grasp painfully simple concepts. The bad news: I'm tired of explaining myself hoarse to you jibbering fuckwads. In this chapter I will be phoning it in with the liberal use of diagrams and shitty clip art. What are you going to do about it? You are going to wriggle in your own viscous secretions like the worms you are. That's what.

Here. Learn something for a change:

At this point, there was a series of fairly incomprehensible drawings about a sylladex. John guessed that the point was that the book was trying to say that if you captchalogued something extra into a sylladex with the stack modus in use, the last item would be knocked out.

asshole notes!

Purse your lips together to form a stiff pucker. Apply them firmly to my rear end. I now pronounce you man and wife.

Now get in the kitchen and make my ass some dinner, bitch.

⇒_! _Fine, John would interrupt his reading and turn around, but he didn't possibly see oh my god it was a monster.

⇒⇒⇒_!_

**STRIFE!**

The shale imp (for that was what it was) used the Don't Move or the Bunny Gets It attack, shaking the dirty bunny in John's face. John removed the sledgehammer from his strife deck and wielded it, preparing for battle.

"Put the bunny back in the box!" He yelled and then tried to pick up the sledgehammer. He fell over in the process, the handle and hammer of the sledgehammer separating as well.

Rose left her house through the back door. Nearby was her transformer which distributed electricity from the underground generator powered by the underground river that flowed under her house. The transformer had been struck by lightning, though, and it no longer worked. Rose wondered if her Mom had any plans to get it fixed. She guessed that the woman would rather play mind games with her in a dark house like a weirdo. She could see the mausoleum from her vantage point, as well as the portable generator to the side. She was almost there.


	10. Book 1 Chapter 10: The Medium

Chapter 10: The Medium

_GET UP JOHN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR SLUMBER._John sat up.

**STRIFE!**

John hit the imp repeatedly with the sledgehammer handle. He was winning! The imp had about half-life left. And then the imp went on the aggressive, hitting John hard with the bunny. It proceeded to wave the damn thing in front of his face. Just PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX!

Rose used her umbrella, expelling all the other items out of her sylladex. She regathered the items, leaving the rather magnetic w stuck to the transformer and began the soggy trek mausoleum-ward.

_JOHN, SALVAGE YOUR WEAPON AND FIGHT ON! _John sat up again.

**STRIFE! AGAIN!**

John picked up the sledgehammer head behind him, expelling one of the harlequin statuettes and hitting the imp. He picked the statuette up again, expelling the telescope and hitting the imp. He picked up the telescope again, expelling the towel, which did nothing. He picked up the towel again, expelling the Cruxite totem. The imp deflected the totem and it hit John, flying into the box John had gotten from Dave. He picked up the totem again, expelling the PDA. It hit the imp and bounced off. John ran up the side of the wall and leaped, catching the PDA midair with a Sweet Catch!, expelling the sledgehammer head, which hit the imp and killed it immediately.

There was a huge windfall of grist on the floor. The bunny, covered in slime and dirt, sat happily on top of a green captchalogue card. Oh, and grist restored life too, apparently. John picked up the grist, receiving 32 build grist and 10 shale, which was the purple grist type.

_YOU SAID_

_PUT THE BUNNY_

_BACK IN_

_THE BOX!_

The bunny went into the box and came out the other side as the flaps flopped open on the back. Now why couldn't he have put the bunny back in the box?

_NOW EXULT. VICTORY, SPOILS ARE YOURS._

The amazing victory allowed John to climb his echeladder two rungs, going from being a Greentike to a Juvesquirt to a Plucky Tot. His gel viscosity went up by 15 and his cache limit went up by 30. The mysterious feather in his intangible hat turned pink and white, and he received 125 boondollars, which he wasted little time in storing in his ceramic porkhollow. In having expanded his cache limit, he'd made room for all that nice grist he'd just collected.

_WHAT ABOUT THAT CARD. _The card? Oh, the green captchalogue card. Actually, it appeared to be a bunnykind strife specibus. The imp had allocated its specibus to allow for wielding the bunny. It was sort of a stupid thing to use as a weapon, but he grabbed it anyway and stuck the bunny in his strife deck. It would at least be safer there. He grouped the two specibi (bunnykind and… handlekind? In breaking the sledgehammer, his specibus had changed) in his strife portfolio. No self-respecting strifer would be caught dead without one.

_GATHER THE SCATTERED BITS OF YOUR LARGE HAMMER. _John picked up the sledgehammer handle, expelling the useless harlequin figurine. Oh, that was odd. In changing the strife specibus to handlekind, the specibus had expelled the hammer head.

_NOW REPAIR THE HAMMER. _John merged the pieces of the sledgehammer in his sylladex, repairing the hammerkind specibus in the process. The smaller hammer handle was ejected from the strife deck, since of course handles of any sort no longer belonged in there. Obviously.

_FINE. NOW WHAT _Dave was pestering him, but John didn't have time to deal with his nonsense right now. Something was amiss in his room. He couldn't quite put his finger on it…

Rose turned on the backup generator and entered the mausoleum, dragging the cord along with her. It of course would have been foolish to run the generator inside a confined space. Generator safety was everyone's business.

She knocked Jaspers' coffin off his pedestal, defiling the tomb in the process.

"Sorry Jaspers," she said quietly. "I had to make space for the laptop. Besides, your final resting place is already a mockery. You should've decomposed years ago under a bed of petunias like a normal cat. Not given to a taxidermist and fitted with a small, custom-tailored suit, and then stuffed in a coffin for infants.

She plugged in her computer and connected to the internet again. Predictably, everything fell out of her sylladex, but she wasn't about to get bent out of shape about it. She had bigger fish to fry. It seemed as though Dave had noticed that she was online again. He pestered her like clockwork. Oh, and there was John. Whatever could he have been up to?

_THE DOOR, JOHN. LOOK AT THE DOOR. _Oh yeah, you're right. Hadn't Rose yanked the door of its hinges and set it on his bed? Someone (or something) had put it back and left it slightly ajar.

_INCREDIBLY ALARMING. INVESTIGATE. _John pulled on the door handle. Immediately, a bucket of water fell onto John's head, lowering his prankster's gambit. There was a fairly loud "Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!" In front of John stood, or rather, floated, his Nanna as a jester sprite thing.

Both Rose and Dave were pestering him, but John needed to interrogate his dead grandmother

In the meantime, Rose and Dave were having a conversation:

**TG: oh there you are**

**TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what**

**TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.**

**TG: oh well thats a relief**

**TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now**

**TT: Working on it?**

**TG: yeah my bros copy long story**

**TG: hey**

**TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets**

**TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little**

**TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?**

**TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all**

**TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever**

**TG: or semi-semi ironic**

**TG: man i dont even know**

**TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up**

**TT: I've seen his websites.**

**TT: I like them.**

**TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD**

**TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that**

**TG: with those dead eyes jesus**

**TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out**

**TT: Interesting...**

**TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream**

**TG: youre going to have a field day with that**

**TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.**

**TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.**

**TG: yeah im gonna get moving**

**TG: oh have you heard from john**

**TG: hes not answering me**

**TT: He won't answer me either.**

**TT: But I am watching him.**

**TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.**

**TG: hahahahaha**

**TG: alright im out**

**TG: later**

"Um... nanna?" John asked cautiously.

"Yes, dear!" Nannasprite replied.

"Wow, you scared the living daylights out of me!" He said in relief. Nannasprite smiled, or would have, if sprites could smile.

"Hoo hoo hoo!" She laughed.

"Well, I guess it was a really great prank. Good one, Nanna. Anyway, are you really my dead Nanna?"

"Of course, John. I have come back to help you on your journey through The Medium and beyond! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!" she replied with a short laugh.

"Ok, I guess I'll take your word for it. I don't remember you at all! My Dad said you were really young when I died. Hey, speaking of which, do you know where he is? I looked everywhere for him!"

"Your father," said Nannasprite slowly and with an air of urgency, "was kidnapped!"

"Oh no!" John cried.

"When you crossed over to The Medium, he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here was awakened," she said.

"Okay," John said, a bit confused, "So what's this Medium you're talking about?"

"It is where we are now!" Nannasprite answered enthusiastically. "It is a realm that is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness. It turns in the thick of The Incipisphere, a place untouched by the flow of time in your universe."

"You mean, because we're in a computer, or in the game software or something?" John asked, perplexed.

"A computer?" Nannasprite asked, an expression of confusion prominently displayed upon her face. "What is that, dear? Some kind of new fangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?"

"Well, uh…" John began. "It's like this machine, um…" He was having difficulty explaining the computer. "It's a machine that, uh…"

Nannasprite laughed. "Of course I know what a computer is, John! I was just pulling your leg. Hoo hoo hoo!"

"Oh, ok," John said, relieved that he didn't have to explain the concept.

"No, John," Nannasprite shook her head. "You are not inside a computer or software or anything like that! Try not to be so linear, dear. The software that brought you here was merely a mechanism that served as a gateway! Its routines in a way served to invoke this realm's instance, yet it stands independently of any physical machine, and somewhat paradoxically, always has!"

"I'm not sure I get it," John said slowly, "but alright. So what do I actually have to be doing here?"

Nannasprite sighed. "I think it would be best if we started with the big picture!"

**NANNASPRITE: Above ****The Medium****, beyond ****The Seven Gates****, residing at the core of ****The Incipisphere** **is a place known as ****Skaia****.**

**NANNASPRITE: Legend holds that ****Skaia** **exists as a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential. What does this mean, you ask? I'm afraid my lips are sealed about that, dear! Hoo hoo!**

**NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!**

**NANNASPRITE: And as it so happens, at the center of this realm whose fate is in question, these very forces duel on a stage, stuck in eternal stalemate. **

**NANNASPRITE: Yes, they have dueled in this manner forever... that is, until you showed up!**

"Wait, me?" John asked in surprise.

**NANNASPRITE: Yes, you, John! **

**NANNASPRITE: Before your mishap with my ashes, you may recall the****Sprite****'s previous incarnation, which resulted from its ****Kernel****'s "hatching". **

**NANNASPRITE: You see, this hatching occurs automatically in response to your arrival! The result is a pair of ****Kernels****, one dark, one light, each carrying the information they were prototyped with before the hatch! **

**NANNASPRITE: One goes down, to a kingdom entrenched in darkness. The other, up, to a kingdom basking in light! Each comes to rest in an ****Orb** **atop a ****Spire****, of which there are three others in kind.****The Four Spires** **are situated above a throne, and these two thrones preside over the two respective ****Sovereign Powers****! **

**NANNASPRITE: And once the ****Kernels** **are situated, that is when the game is afoot. The true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil. **

**NANNASPRITE: This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose, without exception!**

_A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN. ⇒ _"Wow, really?" John asked aloud in awe. "Then what's the point?"

**NANNASPRITE: That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is ****The Ultimate Riddle****!**

"Whoa!" John said.

**NANNASPRITE: For now, your objective is to proceed towards ****Skaia****, and pass through ****The First Gate** **situated directly above your house, not even terribly far! The Gates will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better be prepared to sharpen your adventuring skills! **

"How am i supposed to get up there?" John asked her.

**NANNASPRITE: You build!**

⇒_!_"Ok, I think I get it now!" John said. "So I guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? Well, I don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then I can save my Dad!"

"Yes, John!" Nannasprite exclaimed.

"And then after that," John continued excitedly, "we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save Earth from destruction!"

"Oh no, I'm afraid not!" Nannasprite said with a shake of her spritely head.

⇒_? _

"Your planet is done for, dear!" Nannasprite said sadly, "There is nothing you can do about that!"

"Oh…" John trailed off.

"Your purpose is so much more important than saving that silly old planet, though!" His Nanna said excitedly.

"And that is?" John asked.

"HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!"

_YES I WILL HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE FLOAT HAG ABOUT THAT._

"John, you are such a good boy! I know you will succeed," Nannasprite said. If she could have put her hand on his shoulder, John thought, she would have.

"Thanks, Nanna," John replied.

"You are a good boy, and good boys deserve treats!"

"Hooray!" John cried.

"I am going to go bake you some cookies," Nannasprite said.

"..." John didn't reply.

_THE HAG MENTIONED COOKIES. PURSUE HER. _Oh God dammit, that was just what John needed. _More_ baked goods.

_JOHN YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO COOKIES. I COMMAND YOU TO GET THEM _John totally abjured the hell out of that idea, shaking his head furiously He was so busy, abjuring, in fact, he didn't even notice that Rose had been trying to pester him the entire time.

Rose picked up Dave's birthday box and gave John a swift drubbing in the noggin, but he was undeterred. That was some fit he was throwing!

She decided to take this spare moment to contemplate the Nannasprite's strange tale. It also behooved her to record her thoughts on these latest developments in her GameFaq Walkthrough/Journal. It could be hard finding time to update it. Actually, in retrospect, she wasn't even sure were she'd found the time to write what was already there.

"Oh, is that so, Jaspers? And just who do you think you're looking at with that smug grin?" The last thing she needed was sass from a dead cat. It was pretty much all his fault she was in the current mess, so he could just button it.

_JOHN. COOKIES. NOW. _John refused outright.

_THIS IMPUDENCE IS INSUFFERABLE. GO GET THE COOKIES! _Well, when you put it so politely, how could John decline.

_JOHN YOU ARE STUPID. _And you really need to work on your manners.

_STUPID STUPID DUMB_ That's not a command. It's… it's nothing! It's stupid. You're stupid.

_FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy _It's just not going to happen buddy.

Years in the future, but really not enough to write home about, an agitated finger slipped mid-keystroke, turning Caps Lock off.

A compartment behind WV (Wayward Vagabond) opened, revealing a potted plant, a variety of food cans, and a book on human etiquette. WV picked up the items in excitement, surprise, and joy. What an amazing gift!


	11. Book 1 Chapter 11: Plush Rump

Chapter 11: Plush Rump

==================================================================================  
[B100] The Long and Short. The Medium too.

I may have been a bit hasty in advising you not to bother with the prototyping  
process. If I spared any detail, it was only to optimize your chances of survival.  
And if you find yourself begrudging the absence of certain instructions, which if  
followed would have resulted in your demise, then I guess that makes two of us.

Otherwise, you're welcome.

But the fact appears to be that prototyping the Kernelsprite before making your  
getaway may offer the only opportunity to exercise control over your new  
environment, a place known as The Medium. Also, if prototyped with one (or two)  
sufficiently—albeit loosely—humanoid and/or sentient element/s (living or  
otherwise), it offers the chance to have all this explained to you by an  
apparitional guide through whatever sort of cryptic, sketchy doublespeak your  
choice of prototyping element/s engender/s. In lieu of this, you may be forced to  
settle for my clear, thorough explanations and assiduous dissection of raw data.

Again, don't mention it.

If you have made it to The Medium with an unmolested Vanillasprite, well, I've  
already covered the bad news about this "missed opportunity", and I will go into  
this further soon. Though to what extent this actually is bad news, I'm not sure. I  
know only the result of my co-player's current configuration, wherein the sprite  
was prototyped once before the departure, and once after. Which brings us to the  
good news, which is that you can still prototype after your departure, and salvage  
the massively rewarding experience of haggling with an exposition-slinging phantom  
guide, so long as you avoid prototyping with terribly inert items, such as a brass  
doorknocker and your father's pornography collection.

Actually, that might be interesting. If you are struck by the spirit of such  
experimentation, please don't hesitate to contact me about it.

So, yes, you can enhance your sprite in this way, but doing so after your departure  
will no longer induce this "effect" on The Medium I alluded to. That can only be  
accomplished with one or more pre-departure prototypings. In fact, we can  
extrapolate there are only so many ways to prototype a sprite.

Tiers of prototyping in relation to departure:  
\- Both before  
\- One before, one after  
\- Both after  
\- Only one, either before or after  
\- None

Those occurring before will affect the Medium through the kernel's "hatching"  
process, and your guide, i.e. the sprite. Those occurring after will only affect  
the sprite.

The effects this process has on The Medium, or more globally, The Incipisphere, are  
still vague to me. They have to do with flavoring the forces you will struggle  
against, and generally, all forces at odds with each other in this realm. It has  
given me some insight into the nature of the game, which again I derive through  
extrapolation. We appear to be engaging an instance of a dimension with a highly  
flexible set parameters, and a series of objectives surrounding an equally flexible  
mythological framework. This framework seems to begin as a sort of blank template,  
and evolves with the players' actions, and likely further evolves with the addition  
of more host/client connections, and thus more prototyped kernels.

I regret to say I can't be much more specific than that, without loosely  
extrapolating further. There are plenty of questions that have occurred to me,  
however. Questions concerning the Kernelsprite, which I've raised implicitly  
already, such as what is the effect of an un-prototyped kernel on The Medium? Or a  
doubly-prototyped kernel, for that matter? And even more salient are questions  
about this dimension itself. Do all players world-wide make it to this dimension if  
they successfully complete their departure? Or is a unique "blank" instance of the  
dimension created for each new player? I have no evidence, but instinct tells me it  
is closer to the latter situation. There is no indication of any other players  
present in this realm. Alterations in the realm seem singularly centered on the  
actions of my co-player and myself. If I had to stake anything on it, I would guess  
every separate client/server pair activates its own fresh copy of an Incipisphere,  
or a unique "session", if you will.

But the quantity of players is a further complication which invites more questions.  
It seems the game was designed to suit two players most naturally, the server and  
the client. But through a mishap, my co-player and I have slipped out of the  
obvious tandem arrangement, and the only logical course of action to continue  
playing is to string a daisy-chain of server/client connections together, until  
presumably the chain is complete. Theoretically, we could complete this chain with  
only one other player, functioning as a server to my client, and the client to my  
current co-player's server (assuming he can recover it).

The strange thing is though, in our instance of this dimension, there are four  
receptacles for divided kernels, not three. Does this mean we are "destined" to  
have a four player chain? How could the game "know" such a thing?

Perhaps it does, and if this proves to be the case, I trust I will be sufficiently  
numbed to the realization. I can consider nothing about this game surprising at  
this point, and in fact from the first moments of play, it managed to deviate so  
far from my expectations that I completely forgot what my original purpose with it  
was. I had chances to test some information I obtained on good authority during the  
prototyping phases, but it completely slipped my mind. Instead, the game's  
catacombs securing the dark twisting paths to necromancy were blundered into rather  
on accident.

But perhaps you don't need to know any of this.

[rethink organization? lead may be waist deep logorrheic sludge. trim down. bleh]

Rose wasn't finished with this yet. Jeez, cut her some slack! Maybe you can go bug someone else for a while (or somewhen else, for that matter).

Months in the past, but not many… It was winter and Rose's entire house was covered in snow. She sat at her computer talking with **GG**.

**GG: hi happy birthday rose! 3**

**TT: Hello, and thanks.**

**GG: did you get johns present yet?**

**TT: I just opened it this very moment. What a stunning coincidence you would ask about it now. I am stunned.**

**GG: yeah i know!**

**GG: what will you make with it?**

**TT: And who said it was something from which something else could be made?**

**GG: well john did tell me what it was duh...**

**TT: I suppose I'll take a stab at learning the craft.**

**TT: It's the least I can do in response to the subtle dig concealed in his gesture.**

**TT: He often tells me I "need a new hobby" when I make perfectly reasonable analytical remarks.**

**GG: oh but rose i dont think he meant anything like that by it!**

**GG: you see not everybody always means the opposite of what they say the way you and dave always do**

**TT: Maybe.**

**TT: His birthday is in a few months, isn't it?**

**GG: yep!**

**GG: i finally finished a present for him**

**GG: ive been working on it for years!**

**TT: Years?**

**TT: It's so hard to tell when you're joking.**

**TT: Or if you're even capable of it.**

**GG: heheheh... :)**

**GG: i just mailed it too so it is sure to get there on time**

**GG: mail takes a while to get anywhere from here!**

**TT: I'll probably craft something with strong sentimental value.**

**TT: That should burn him.**

**GG: i dont think you really mean that!**

**TT: I guess not.**

**TT: So, shall I expect a green package dropped to my house via airmail from whatever screwball cranny of the globe you're tucked into?**

**GG: err...**

**GG: no :(**

**GG: sorry but you are sort of hard shop for _**

**GG: besides i have something for you today that i think you will like better than some thing in a box!**

**TT: Oh?**

**GG: it is a tip!**

**TT: This is already intriguing enough to compensate for the grave scarcity of lavish gifts parachuting from the sky. Please go on.**

**GG: did you have a pet a long time ago that died?**

**TT: Yes.**

**GG: ok well how did you feel about your cat, did you love him a lot?**

**TT: "ok well", I didn't mention it was a cat, or that it was a male. Let's pretend I'm surprised and you're embarrassed and move on.**

**TT: To answer your question, I would describe my feelings toward the animal as lukewarm.**

**GG: ummmmm ok...**

**GG: thats fine!**

**GG: it doesnt really matter i think, just...**

**GG: what if someone told you you could play a game that would bring him back to life?**

**TT: If someone told me that, I would regard the remark with a great deal of skepticism.**

**TT: If that someone was you, on the other hand, then I would have to ask preemptively:**

**TT: Is that someone you?**

**GG: yes that someone is me!**

**GG: i just thought you might find it interesting**

**TT: So what is this game?**

**GG: oh i dont know**

**GG: im just saying is all**

**GG: i think youll hear about it later and maybe you can talk to john and dave about it**

**GG: they are way more into all that stuff than i am!**

**TT: I'll see what the word on the street is about it. In due time.**

**TT: For now I should probably order a copy of Knitting for Assholes. It would be a shame if I ran late with John's present.**

Dave captchalogued his KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9 % 10 = 9) and prepared to venture out of his room to get his Bro's copy of the Beta. But first, maybe, just maybe…

Dave looked out the window, maybe hoping to retrieve the dead bird. But it was long gone. It probably wouldn't have lasted out there anyway. He didn't know what was up with this sick heat. The sun threatened to set but wouldn't step off. It was staring John down, like the big red eye of a hot needle skipping on a groove its tracing 'round the earth. While lingering in midair its heat seemed to suspend time itself, stretching it like warped vinyl. It was meant to rain this season but there hadn't been a drop in sight. Even a little drizzle would help. Might have helped to fizzle this sizzle a little bizzle, set the record straight on this global turn-tizzle.

"So don't change the dizzle, turn it up a little

I got a living room full of fine dime brizzles

Waiting on the Pizzle, the Dizzle and the Shizzle

G's to the bizzack, now ladies here we gizzo

When the pimp's in the crib ma

Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot..."

-English Romantic poet, John Keats

Dave exited his room and stepped into the hallway.

"Sorry little dude," he said, taking down the puppet blocking the door. "Gotta put you down for a bit." He figured he'd left the puppet hanging long enough.

Dave barged through the door with wild abandon and saw a familiar face. A friendly face. He was standing in the living room, where his Bro spent most of his days. At night his Bro would crash on the futon over there. Dave didn't see him anywhere though. There was the puppet chest where his Bro stored Lil' Cal in when he took him out for gigs. But when his Bro was home he usually left Lil' Cal on display somewhere. And with good reason cause Cal was totally sweet. So sweet. Man.

Dave pitied da fool of a puppet that had been in his face when he'd entered the room. It was his brother's Mr. T puppet, which of course was kept in their apartment with a sense of profound humorous irony. But as usual with his Bro's exploits, this was no ordinary irony, or anything close to a pedestrian Tier 1 ironic gesture which was a meager single step removed from sincerity. This was like ten levels of irony removed from the original joke. It might have been funny eight years before to joke about Mr. T and how he was lame, but that was the very thing that made him awesome and badass, and that his awesomeness was sort of the joke. But in this case, the joke _was _the joke, and that degree of irony was also the joke, and so on. Only highly adept satirical ninjas like he and his Bro could appreciate stuff like this. It was cool taking stuff that other people thought was funny but he knew really wasn't, and making it funny again by adding subtle strata of irony which were utterly undetectable to the untrained eye.

Also, for good measure, Mr. T was wearing a leather thong and handcuffed to a pantsless Chuck Norris puppet. God Dave hoped he could be as good as his Bro at this some day. He'd never tell the boy that though.

Dave looked around for Lil' Cal, but the puppet was nowhere in sight. All that he saw was a bunch of his Bro's weird colorful nude puppets strewn around haphazardly. He… he guessed they were kinda cool. Sort of…

On the television was one of the crappy video games that Gamebro reviewed, _grand snack fuckyeah_. It seemed as though his Bro had been playing. It wasn't like him to leave in the middle of some totally intense gaming. It wasn't like him to misplace Cal either… man Dave hoped the little guy was alright.

Oh, there the puppet was. He was sitting on the speaker next to the TV set.

"Oh, hey there Lil' Cal," Dave said. "Didn't see you there. We be chill today, dude? Yeah, you better fuckin' believe we be chill." Cal was the man.

Dave attempted to resist the great urge to play Bro's Xbox. He failed miserably. He started thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on his quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" to get this way rude hunger under control. Shit was basically flying off the hook. It was like shit wanted nothing to do with that hook. The hook was dead to that shit.

But… he got stuck in some poorly modeled 3D fixture or something. Like a railing or the piece of the wall? He'd have to restart. Fuck this shit.

Dave gave Lil' Cal a bro fistbump. He'd almost forgot. He had to give the c-man some props.

Dave moved away from the TV and inspected the other side of the room. Bro had so much sweet gear it was hard to keep up with it all sometimes. Here was his computer setup. He usually had a lot of stuff cooking up on it at any given moment. Since he wasn't around, Dave thought he might as well sneak a peek.

The computer was password protected of course to protect all of the incredible top secret shit he'd got on the burners. Of course, both of them knew the password, and Bro knew that Dave knew it, and they were both cool with that because the password was the most awesome thing it could have been. He entered the password.

On Bro's desktop was a hodgepodge of unnamed folders to store all the stuff he was working on. No one could decipher his organization system but himself. He also tended to use the application Complete Bullshit to keep up with the ludicrous amount of websites and news feeds he monitored to stay hip to the scene.

Dave opened the content aggregator, which displayed a mess of words and random stripes of colors. This was complete bullshit. He opened the tab that displayed SBAHJ to see his most recent comic. Bro kept up with Dave's comic just like Dave kept up with Bro's. Bro had tuned in to Dave's various blogs, and of course, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.

Dave then clicked on the orange stripe containing PlushRump. This was another one of his Bro's many ironic websites. The difference here was that he raked in thousands of dollars a month through this enterprise. Smuppets was a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it was awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

He guessed he'd messed around on his Bro's computer long enough. He'd better get a move on before it was too late for Rose, or worse, Bro caught him. But my god, the puppet rumps… they were transfixing! He knew this was ironic and all, and his Bro reached echelons of irony Dave could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when his guard was down it all just seemed a tad unsettling to him.

Lil' Cal was now sitting on the desk next to him.

"Oh. Uh… Hey… Hey there, Cal." Dave raised his hand to give Lil' Cal a nervous fist bump, but he couldn't do it. He was starting to flip the fuck out, what with the rumps and the posters and the gorilla puppet on the PlushRump website and Lil' Cal moving and all the strange bobbing heads and… Well, he was flipping out without losing his cool, of course.

He decided to pester Egbert to soothe his nerves and give a lowdown on his progress. He felt it was important to keep the wires hot. But the boy wasn't answering. Dave wondered what he could have been up to.

**TG: hey what is up**

**TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it**

**TG: where are you man**

**TG: anyway**

**TG: things are cool here**

**TG: totally cool**

**TG: puppets are still awesome**

**TG: no problems with them or anything**

**TG: like**

**TG: just**

**TG: really really awesome**

It looked like Rose was finally logged in again. Hadn't John said that her house had been burning down? He wondered if she was on fire yet or what. This conversation is one that we've already seen before but I have included for sake of authenticity and loyalty to the plotline.

**TG: oh there you are**

**TG: john said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what**

**TT: No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.**

**TG: oh well thats a relief**

**TG: john told me to get the game to help get you out of there so im working on that now**

**TT: Working on it?**

**TG: yeah my bros copy long story**

**TG: hey**

**TG: dont tell john this but i think he might have been right about the puppets**

**TG: theyre sort of starting to freak me out a little**

**TT: You're referring to your brother's collection?**

**TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all**

**TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever**

**TG: or semi-semi ironic**

**TG: man i dont even know**

**TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up**

**TT: I've seen his websites.**

**TT: I like them.**

**TG: haha yeah well YOU WOULD**

**TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that**

**TG: with those dead eyes jesus**

**TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out**

**TT: Interesting...**

**TG: oh god why did i just tell you my dream**

**TG: youre going to have a field day with that**

**TT: I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming.**

**TT: Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.**

**TG: yeah im gonna get moving**

**TG: oh have you heard from john**

**TG: hes not answering me**

**TT: He won't answer me either.**

**TT: But I am watching him.**

**TT: I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown.**

**TG: hahahahaha**

**TG: alright im out**

**TG: later**

Seconds in the future, but not many…

**TT: John, what are you doing?**

**TT: Snap out of it.**

**TT: We ought to discuss what your grandmother told you, don't you think?**

**TT: Fine. Enjoy your stupor.**

**TT: I'll go about my business elsewhere.**

Rose deployed the punch designix in place of the piano in John's Dad's study. She pestered John again, explaining the situation.

**TT: John, whenever you read this, you should know I put the shale you collected to use and finally deployed the Punch Designix.**

**TT: It is in your study.**

**TT: I can only drop it though. You'll have to be the one to mess around with it and see what it does.**

**TT: When you're finished with your weird histrionics, maybe you could give it a try?**

**TT: I'm updating my walkthrough, and it would help to know what it does.**

**TT: Also, I should probably warn you that your house and yard are completely infested with monsters now. Try to be careful.**

The voice stopped and John read his PDA. Oh. He looked out the window and saw a bunch of shale imps all wearing jester clothes fucking around outside.

**EB: so i can see.**

**EB: stupid lousy imps.**

**EB: they're mucking up all my cool stuff!**

**TT: Oh, there you are.**

**EB: oh, yeah.**

**EB: sorry!**

**EB: i'm not sure what came over me there, i was acting really crazy for some reason.**

**EB: but my head feels like it's clearing up, i think i'm alright now.**

John quickly rebuilt the claw hammer like he'd been planning on doing before the voice had starting to bother him about cookies. He returned it to his specibus. He wondered if he should confront the pogo ride prepare himself for Nanna.

Thank god his sanity had returned so he could entertain extremely rational, coherent thoughts like that one. He examined the pogo ride for the bathroom window. He did not like what he saw. There was an imp devouring the cake that Rose had dumped on the ground, another banging on the piano irreverently, and a third swinging around on the pogo ride.

Those sons of bitches. No one risked painful injury on the green ghost slime pogo ride. No one but John.

Rose picked up the piano and the imp that had been playing it along with the one that had been eating the cake ran away. The one of the pogo ride remained. She dropped the piano on the pogo ride, killing the imp. But the piano… the piano…

**EB: rose my piano!**

**EB: :(**


	12. Book 1 Chapter 12: The Punch Designix

Chapter 12: The Punch Designix

**TT: Sorry.**

**TT: No nuance to these controls at all.**

**TT: I was hoping to bludgeon the imp without letting go of it. Guess I can't really do that.**

**TT: A broken piano isn't the end of the world though.**

**EB: i guess you're right.**

**TT: You'll need to pick up the spoils in person. I can't interact with the grist.**

**EB: so...**

**EB: that means i have to go out the back door?**

**TT: Yes. Is there a problem?**

**EB: well it may sound dumb, but i was hoping to avoid nanna and her spooky ghost cookies.**

**TT: You're right, that does sound dumb.**

**EB: can you see her in the kitchen? **

**TT: Yeah.**

**EB: what's she doing, is she baking?**

**TT: You could say that.**

**EB: are you SURE you can't get that grist up to me somehow?**

**TT: Maybe.**

Rose attempted to use the pogo ride to spring the grist up to John's window, but it didn't look like the stuff was going anywhere. It was just never certain with these gaming abstractions.

However, she was able to pull the ride out of the ground and drop it in John's bathtub. John turned around and collected the grist, putting more in the cache.

**TT: There you go.**

**TT: Now why don't you check out the Designix?**

**TT: You can do that while I get to work.**

**EB: on what?**

Before Rose answered, she wondered if the piano might level up for slaying the imp. Alas, in its valiant effort it had unfortunately been slain as well. But if it hadn't, it would have raked in so many boondollars, you have no idea. So many! In any case, he explained her project to John.

**TT: Nanna said to build, so that's what I'm doing.**

**EB: oh yeah. ok.**

**TT: But this sure is going to take a lot of grist.**

**TT: Looks like you're going to be busy, John.**

**EB: blargh!**

**EB: well, what are you building?**

**TT: Stairs.**

**TT: They are fairly expensive actually.**

**EB: oh man...**

**EB: i could have warned you about stairs, rose!**

Rose had expended 18 units of build grist by placing a flight of steps from the platform extending from the balcony up to the roof.

**TT: I'll try recouping some of the grist from the catwalk I built earlier.**

**EB: IT KEEPS HAPENING**

She deleted part of the catwalk, giving her six more units of build grist. An imp that had been standing on the end of it fell into the (presumably) bottomless pit under John's house.

**TT: Ah, good. Looks like I can get a refund for earlier allocations.**

**EB: i told you rose**

**EB: i TOLD you about stairs!**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Consider me fully briefed on the matter of stairs.**

**TT: Now if you don't mind, it's hard enough to concentrate on this without immersing ourselves in Strider's non sequitur.**

**EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool?**

**TT: Does he?**

**EB: he's so dumb!**

Rose began to build an observation tower on John's roof. Well, okay, she obviously didn't have enough grist yet for something that ambitious, but she could get started with something of a foundation for upward construction, at least.

In the meantime, John checked the bathroom cupboard for imps and other useful items. Naw. There were no imps in here. Just a lot of shaving cream. Dads loved shaving. It was basically all they did (when they weren't baking, of course).

John captchalogued two cans of shaving cream just in case. He never knew when he'd need to bust out a hilarious shaving cream santa beard to ratchet up his prankster's gambit. In the process, his telescope flew out the window and landed where the pogo ride had been previously.

Speaking of the pogo ride, why not ride it? Well, it was a little cramped in the bathroom for any sort of proper reckless pogoing. He'd just grab it and hang on to it until the right opportunity presented itself. In captchaloguing the pogo ride, the towel floated out of his sylladex and onto the towel rack, completing the circle of stupidity.

Rose decided to check on Nannaquin and see what was cooking. Gosh darnit that was a lot of cookies. There must have been at least a hundred of them in the kitchen. An imp's hand reached out for one of them…

John left his room to make his way to the study where the Punch Designix dwelled. Oh god. In the hallway stood a couple of imps brandishing a bust of a harlequin. And… it got worse. John's face contorted in rage as he saw the mess the imps had made of the living room. It seemed as though they'd taken a shining to the Cruxtruder because there was cruxite and black goo. Everywhere.

John mounted his pogo ride, held a can of shaving cream in one hand and his hammer in the other, and proceeded to one-up the imp. He smashed through the two nearest him and then two on the stairs. This was incredibly dangerous! He flipped the fuck out entirely at that point and jumped around the living room, smashing imps left and right!

"Let's see how you like the old doublebarrel leatherblaster… Woah! Oh shit!" John yelled. He slipped on a cruxite dowel on the floor and fell over next the doors to the study and kitchen.

_mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up. _John quickly got to his feet, grabbed the pogo in one hand, and pointed a can of shaving cream at it with the other.

"Don't move or the pogo gets it!" He yelled. The imps looked frightened.

_now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste._ John ran up the wall slowly, did a flip in midair, and jumped into the study, knocking a jester hat from one of the imps. The imp quickly picked up the hat, but Rose dropped the fridge from the kitchen on it, smashing it entirely, hat and all.

The refrigerator skyrocketed up the echeladder to a new rung: Fivestar General Electric, and earned 285 boondollars. Things were really looking up for this feisty appliance.

_well done, john. polite congratulations. _For some reason, John felt a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling was coming from, it was sure was a welcome change from his erratic moods earlier.

_now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask_

**TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix.**

**TT: John, imps behind you.**

**TT: Should I take care of it?**

**TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you.**

**TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream?**

**TT: So pointless.**

Rose picked up a safe and dropped it through the roof. It fell through and hit the imp, busting the contraption open. Out came a very old-looking copy of _Colonel Sassacre_ and what looked like old newspaper clippings. They mingled with the grist and black goo from the imp, making for a rather large mess. A harlequin statuette that had been sitting on top of it fell off and smashed on the floor.

_john might i bother you for a can opener? _Oblivious to the commotion behind him, John found himself pondering the whereabouts of a can opener. There was probably one in the kitchen, but his path was blocked by his refrigerator.

Rose looked at John on her screen. He was completely unresponsive. What the hell was the nincompoop doing? And what was that arm coming out of the blue portal doing?

Years in the future… but let's not get carried away here… WV's studious eye darted about a page like a honeybee gathering the nectar of wisdom.

_A typical human is polite, saying "Thank you," "Please," "You are welcome," "Good day," "How do you do?" and "Splendid, and you? Everyday conversations like this lead to gratification and release of endorphins in the brain. This leads to further courtesy. The favor is mutually curried and..._

Om nom nom… WV ripped the page out and ate it with his sharp teeth. There was the next page.

_When drinking the human elixir known as "tea," one must simply cantilever the absurd vestigial fourth digit, and everyone will remain polite..._

Om nom nom… WV ripped out that page as well.

In the meantime, Rose placed four chimneys around John's roof and built a platform on top. The issue was now how to climb up. Stairs were expensive, so Rose grabbed part of the balcony railing, turned it around, and extended it upwards in a makeshift ladder.

**TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs.**

_fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse_Yes, it would seem so. John continued to ponder the whereabouts of a possible can opener even as an imp snuck up behind him. Rose dropped a bookshelf on it.

_the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately _It was unfortunate. He supposed. What were we talking about again?

_but it has been a pleasure nonetheless. _John nodded in thanks for the courtesy. But it really wasn't necessary. Dave had begun pestering him.

_oh, but thank you _Ok. Rose began pestering him as well. She hit John on the back of the head with a wrinkled hat, but all he could think of was can openers and manners.

_thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate _Rose buried her face in her pillow in frustration. Dave was pestering her too now.

_i shall take my leave now john. until next time _Okay. John turned around. Wait, where'd all this sweet loot come from? And why was there suddenly a crumpled hat on his head?

Feeling especially economical with his behavior suddenly, John scooped up all the grist in the room, and turned his attention to the Punch Designix all in one fell swoop. The device featured a counter-top station design with a keyboard setup, not unlike a piano or an old-fashioned computer. There was a blinking red light, and a diagram etched into a panel. The diagram depicted a captchalogue card being turned over and then being inserted (typed?) into the keyboard? Then it showed the card being inserted into another slot.

Hmm…

In the meanwhile, Rose decided to answer Dave.

**TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you**

**TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass**

**TT: What is the specific problem?**

**TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong**

**TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.**

**TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis**

**TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face**

**TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.**

**TT: Also, coarse is a good word.**

**TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock**

**TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses**

**TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here**

**TG: like**

**TG: the proboscalypse i guess**

**TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?**

**TG: what no**

**TG: no listen**

**TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home**

**TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.**

**TG: no oh jesus**

**TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse**

**TT: A painted pair of parted lips**

**TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air**

**TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.**

**TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,**

**TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.**

**TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second**

**TG: this is serious**

**TG: i am just saying**

**TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like**

**TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever**

**TG: im gonna fly off the handle**

**TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit**

**TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.**

John flipped over the card with the pogo ride on it. On the back was a captcha code. Damn, the things were hard to read. This one said… this one said… DQMmLLeK? Or… wait. DQMmILek? It was hard to tell. He looked at the reverse side of the hammer card in his strife deck. There was a captcha code there too.

John entered the code "DQMmJLeK" into the Punch Designix. He hoped he had it right. The red light switched off and a green one began blinking. He inserted the pogo ride card into the slot and it popped back out quickly with a bunch of holes punched in it.

He then typed in the hammer's code (or, at least, what he thought it was): "nZ7Un6BI" and repeated the process. He now had two cards punched with different codes.

John tried to retrieve the pogo ride from the card with little success. It appeared as though it were trapped. These cards were pretty much useless now, and the items they contained were toast! But maybe not all was lost. Recalling from his experience with the pre-punched card, he might be able to use the cards to replicate the lost items. That is, assuming he'd gotten the codes right.

He mashed the keys randomly, not quite through with his cowboy empiricism just yet. He entered "dskjhsdk". The designix stopped him after eight characters, which appeared to be the maximum length for a code. The green light went on, signaling the Designix's readiness for a card. He figured he might as well burn one of the shaving cream cards, as the items weren't exactly a premium in the house. He also merged the two cans to one card. He was a little sad his Dad wasn't around to see this. John thought he'd get a real kick out of duplicating more shaving cream. He punched the card with the code that was in no way related to the item it contained. Mad science sure was a lot of fun.

Unfortunately, he'd just burned up another card in the process and his deck was beginning to dwindle. Maybe he should have thought this through a bit better. On the plus side, he'd freed up his Dad's PDA, which was overflowing with the pent-up chatter of anxious pesterers.

Just outside John's house, a shale imp was peering through the window into the study, observing the boy. It chuckled with glee as it saw all the random things that the boy was doing with silly cards and machines. And then a shadow loomed up behind it. There was something evil there. Something large and destructive. The imp turned to see…

Rose slammed the bathtub into it and through the wall. The tub smashed through the far wall as well, earning John a lot of grist. John checked his PDA.

**TG: PUPPETS**

**TG: AWESOME**

**TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **changed his mood to RANCOROUS - **

**TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall.**

**TT: Watch out.**

John peered out the window. There was a staircase leading up to the balcony, but the staircase was ridiculously narrow and precarious in appearance.

**EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary!**

**TT: I made a shortcut upstairs. I thought it would be a good idea to get up there and try the cards as soon as possible. **

**TT: Also, you weren't being terribly responsive. **

**EB: you mean these stairs?**

**EB: man, look at these shitty stairs...**

**EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those?**

**TT: They're perfectly navigable. **

**TT: I'm saving on grist for now. **

**TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future.**

John looked up through the hole in the roof from the safe and saw the first gate.

**EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room?**

**TT: Have you ever been in there?**

**EB: no.**

**TT: Exactly.**

**EB: huh?**

**TT: I'd rather not get sidetracked.**

**TT: I'm more interested in further exploring the mechanics of the game than watching you discover what sort outlandish harlequin decor your father keeps in his room.**

**EB: oh come on. what's the big deal, i'll just climb up and go right through!**

**TT: Will you?**

**EB: yeah, why not?**

**TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you?**

**EB: well, i mean yeah...**

**TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through."**

**EB: wait, are you saying there's something, like...**

**EB: troubling in there?**

**TT: I don't know.**

**EB: what do you mean? what do you see in there?**

**TT: I can't see in there.**

**EB: oh.**

**TT: But I don't have a very good feeling about it.**

**EB: pfff...**

**EB: whatever!**

**EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings.**

Rose brought the punched cards from the Designix up to John's room along with eight cruxite dowels that the imps had extracted from the Cruxtruder.

Before John proceeded with his alchemizing, however, he picked up the grist generated by his co-player's recent exploits. From then on, it would probably go without saying that he'd pick up grist when he defeated a monster, because why wouldn't he?

He looked at the busted safe, which had made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of his father's odds and ends had spilled out, including some old newspaper clippings and two rather hefty tomes. It was a fair bet to say that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe.

John captchalogued the tome in the front. It appeared to be a very old copy of _Colonel Sassacre,_ perhaps an original printing! Could it have been the same one involved with his grandmother on that fateful day? Dad would never speak a word of it, but maybe Nanna wouldn't be so tight-lipped. He gave the book a cursory perusal. It appeared to be similar to his reprinting, containing all the same japes and chicanery he'd come to know and love.

Also in the safe was another book: _The Fatherly Gent's Shaving Almanac_. He was sure his Dad thought this a scintillating read, but it looked pretty boring to John. Maybe he'd crack into it later when he was old enough to shave. Everything in this safe was pretty important to his Dad. He wondered why his old man had kept it locked away from him. Some things about his Dad he'd never understand.

It also appeared as though his father had collected scraps from the news over the years. The articles went back decades! There was one from the _Common Hornographer,_ another from _Crockercorp Newspaper…_ The list went on.

There was also a piece of paper taped to the wall behind the safe. It read:

_SON._

_IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE SAFE. YOU ARE NOW A MAN._

_AS SUCH, YOU ARE ENTITLED TO WHAT IS INSIDE. I KNOW YOU WILL TAKE THIS RESPONSIBILITY SERIOUSLY._

_I AM SO PROUD OF YOU._

John flipped the paper over. On the other side was a code: 02-49-13. He figured it must have been the combination to the safe. It didn't matter now.

John picked up an empty captchalogue card on the ground and flipped it over. The captcha code was all zeroes? They could have been O's. _Zeroes would probably make more sense for an empty card_, John thought. He captchalogued the card, flinging the totem that had been used to produce the apple out the hole in the side of the room. Oh well. He wouldn't need it again anyway. He hoped.

John looked at the captchalogued captchalogue card. It had the code "11111111" written on it. He entered the code into the Designix and punched the card.

**TT: Wait, John, before you punch that.**

**TT: Oh.**

**TT: I was about to say.**

**TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one.**

**TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two.**

**EB: oh yeah, you're right.**

**EB: dammit!**

He flung the crumpled hat out the hole in the wall in disgust after the totem. They were both long gone now. He proceeded to captchalogue the punched captchalogued captchalogue card, expelling the PDA from his sylladex. Rose grabbed it before it fell down the bottomless pit, however. She placed it back in the room and John picked it up again in a lapse of concentration. The old Sassacre text flew out of the deck, smashed a hole through another wall, and crushed an imp outside. The two-card sylladex: inventory of dumbasses.

John leveled up to the Pesky Urchin level, gaining 200 boondollars, +15 gel viscosity, +40 cache limit, and +5 man grit!

The Colonel as well soared to new heights on the echeladder, reaching the rung "One Man Julep Vacuum," and pocketing 9550 boondollars. Chump change for the genteel, aristocratic southern colonel.

The bathtub surged heroically and surpassed the rung "Archimedes' Aquacradle," proceeding directly to the vaulted rung: "Taft Jammer." The tub made off with a cool 490 boondollars. The tub's basin capacity remained unaffected.

The safe would have leveled up, but for its heroic death in battle. A great flaming nautical pyre carried it off to Vaulthalla. John stepped through the hole in the wall and inspected the stairs. They looked pretty precarious to him. But he'd been assuredly that they were perfectly navigable. He attempted to run up them, slipped and fell, hugging onto the edge. Lousy goddamn stupid stairs!

Away from this commotion, somewhere behind John, a black hand reached the top of the land podium upon which John's house could be found. Another hand appeared and so did the tip of a jester hat. Whatever it was, it was large. And it was approaching rather quickly…


	13. Book 1 Chapter 13: Strider's Sylladex

Chapter 13: Strider's Sylladex

Dave wandered over to the place where his Bro kept his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup was sweet. Dave felt pangs of jealousy whenever he walked by it. Really cool jealousy though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, he didn't actually give a shit. One of his brother's two rad and extremely expensive ninja swords was missing, though. He knew this drill all too well. Trouble was a brewin'. Dave was about to take the other ninja sword when it disappeared. Hmm… maybe Dave's eyes had been playing tricks on him.

He approached the exit to his Bro's room. There was something on the door that he hadn't seen before. It looked like one of his brother's ironic comics he left for you to check out. Lil' Cal appeared on the turntables as Dave read the comic.

"_What have I done?_

"_Animal? Please start breathing. Oh god, please breathe._

"_Ha ha, ok, make-believe time is over!_

"_Oh god oh god oh god oh god OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!..._

"_What will Nanny do to me if she finds out? No one can ever know. I have to hide the body, but where? Think, imagination! Argh, the one time I really need you!"_

_Click. Lights flooded the room._

"_Hello Rowlf. I want to play a game." It was a robot with red swirl for eyes._

"_I want to play a game," it repeated._

"_I WANT TO PLAY A GAME," it said._

Dave ripped the comic. Ok, some of this stuff he knew his Bro was just leaving around to get under his skin. This was obviously just another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upmanship to get his goat (the same goat he'd been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that would still have to wait for a more appropriate time). He thought that his Bro knew deep down that Dave still wasn't ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this was probably some weird gauntlet the other boy was throwing down to see if he'd "get it". But, honestly, Dave thought this material was just a little _too_ ironic. He just didn't need to see this shit right now.

Dave went into the kitchen. No sign of Bro in here either… well, aside from the absurd quantity of dangerous stuff he left lying around.

With an escalating sense of threat, Dave though it was time to SHIFT (2+2+1+2+2 = 9 % 10 = 9) his KATANA (2+1+2+1+2+1 = 9 % 10 = 9) to his strife specibus. He figured it was better to free up his 9 card anyway, since he might need to grab some of the random shit on the counter.

There was a green puppet in the blender. Dave hit mix and the puppet exploded in a mess of green and red. He figured his Bro had put fake blood capsules in it. Pretty gross.

He spotted one of his Bro's many webcams nearby, hidden in the eye of another puppet. It had recorded the incident. It seems he may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. He wasn't totally sure how he felt about that. He slashed the puppet's head off with his katana, landing the webcam in the blender as well.

Dave pulled out the buster sword from behind the microwave. This was probably the only thing in the entire apartment that was a bigger piece of shit than his own sword. He put it back behind the microwave where it belonged and set the blender to "crush ice." It began to just sort of bounce around in there. He was making a bit of a mess now.

Dave opened the microwave to hide the evidence of his blender shenan… OH GOD! See, all Bro's hobbies were cool and everything, and Dave guessed the guy had to put his shit somewhere. But what if one of them wanted to heat up a burrito or something? Just stuff it in the microwave which a bunch of creepy-ass puppets? The kitchen was pretty much useless.

Dave captchalogued the box of FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5) from the sink. He just knew they were going to come in handy. One of the fireworks was still stuck in the drain, but Dave ignored it for the moment to captchalogue the SHURIKENS (2+2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5). They entered the sylladex and the box of fireworks flew out of his deck. Dave managed to catch them, thankfully, but he had to be careful of where he was putting things, especially if he was looking to turn his sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things.

He put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (2+1+2 + 1+2 + 2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 23 % 10 = 3) back into card 5 again and prepared to start over… Oh. Or card 3, apparently. Okay. That settled it.

Again without thinking, he captchalogued the NUNCHAKU (2+1+2+2+2+1+2+1 = 13 % 10 = 3). The fireworks spilled out all over the floor. He captchalogued the BOX (2+1+2 = 5 % 10 = 5), again, deftly avoiding the shuriken trap he'd set up for himself only moments ago. They sunk into the metal of the refrigerator.

He then rounded all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5) into card 5, landing them in the BOX (5). It was time to regroup here. He began to captchalogue each SHURIKEN (2+2+1+2+1+2+1+2 = 13 % 3) individually, but this caused the nunchaku (3) to be expelled from his sylladex. He put all ten in his sylladex as the nunchaku flew out of his sylladex and knocked a picture of Hella Jeff on the fridge off as well as relocated a GameBro magnet onto the microwave. But no worries. He had a plan.

He captchalogued the NUNCHUCKS (2+1+2+2+2+1+2+2+2 = 16 % 10 = 6). Everything seemed to be in order now. I would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes he just had to compromise with his modus.

Speaking of which, could a modus card be flipped over? Dave attempted to flip over the card and… succeeded! Wow, he hadn't expected that. On the back was a large EJECT BUTTON followed by three possible hash functions. The first one, which said "C=2, V=1" was currently selected. He could also choose "V=2, C=1," or "A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4…". There was also a checkable box that said "Detect Collisions."

Dave pressed the eject button and a pop-up box appeared, saying "EJECT ALL ITEMS FROM SYLLADEX? Y/N".

Oh hell no. Not after all the trouble he'd gone through to try to get everything to fit. This was potentially a very dangerous button.

He quickly programmed a scrabble points hash function (which used the scrabble equivalents of letters for the addition) adding it to the list. This might have been a cool function to use, but it looked like he'd have to empty his sylladex to select it. He wasn't going to do that yet. No way.

However, he did select the "detect collisions" box. That would be helpful. _Very_ helpful.

Dave looked up at the purple elephant doll on top of the skateboard on the counter. And what did he think he was happy about? And what was he looking up at? The ceiling? Dave thought if he saw one more bulbous bottom being like kind of jutting out and being impudent or whatever he was going to fly off the handle. He slashed the tip of the puppet's dong nose off and knocked the elephant into the sink.

Dave took the SKATEBOARD (2+2+1+2+1+2+1+1+2+2 = 16 % 10 = 6) that had been underneath the elephant puppet… Wait, a collision had been detected. Not SKATEBOARD (6). The nunchucks were in the 6 card. He took the… uh… WHEELED… uh… RIDE (2+2+1+1+2+1+2 + 2+1+2+1 = 17 % 10 = 7). Man, his inventory's nomenclature was getting lamer by the minute.

He also took the POWER CORD (2+1+2+1+2 + 2+1+2+2 = 15 % 10 = 5) from the... no, wasn't going to work. He took the… BATTERY PACK (2+1+2+2+1+2+1 + 2+1+2+2 = 18 % 10 = 8). Dammit. His PHONE (8). Okay… um... BATTERY PACK with the Y as a consonant (2+1+2+2+1+2+2 + 2+1+2+2 = 19 % 10 = 9). His sylladex reluctantly accepted. It was a tactic notoriously employed by hash map noobs, but he didn't care about that just now. Besides, it wasn't like his Bro was around to see. A black shadow darted behind him but he didn't notice. It returned momentarily to place little Cal on the countertop and for a moment the outline of a person wearing a hat could be seen, but it disappeared just as quickly. Dave was completely oblivious.

Dave turned and jumped back in shock. "Oh, it's just you, Cal. You startled me." Dave could never stay mad at the puppet. Anyway, he had to find a way to get this rude hunger of his under control. He figured he'd better scope the fridge for some grub. His hunger was so ill-mannered, it would have made a room full of snooty dowagers commit mass suicide.

He pulled open the fridge door to see if there… Oh god, more shitty swords! Of course Dave had known these were in here. He wasn't even sure why he'd looked. If he wanted to keep food or beverages in the apartment, he pretty much had no choice but to hide stuff away in his closet. The hell with it. He captchalogued the entire JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS and braced himself for… Oh, it seemed as though it worked. He captchalogued the JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY SWORDS (2+1+2+2+2+1 + 1+2 + 1+2+2+1+2+1+1+2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2+1 + 2+2+1+2+2+2 = 52 % 10 = 2).

Dave wiped some sweat from his brow and attempted to use the ice maker to get some ice, but instead, it dispensed a bunch of cherry bombs! Ugh… wait, there was someone's reflection in the fridge. It was Lil' Cal. Dave turned and saw nothing. Where had the little dude scampered off to this time?

He went for the CHERRY BOMBS (2+2+1+2+2+1 + 2+1+2+2+2 = 19 % 10 = 9) unsuccessfully. After mulling it over a bit, he grabbed the RED SPHERICAL SALUTES (2+1+2 + 2+2+2+1+2+1+2+1+2 + 2+1+2+1+2+1+2 = 31 % 10 = 1).

BLENDER (2+2+1+2+2+1+2 = 12 % 10 = 2) was a simple word and Dave already knew it wasn't going to work, so he called it the WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (2+2+1+2+2+1+2+2 + 2+2+1+2+1 + 2+1+2+2+2+1+2 = 34 % 10 = 4) instead. That worked. It was a much better name for the device anyway, Dave thought.

He proceeded by turning on the garbage disposal and shredding the remaining firework in the drain. He stuffed Mr. Purple Guy down the garbage disposal as well. Dave still wasn't sure what the puppet was so happy about, or what he was looking at up there. Oh well, he was gone.

While he was at it, he dumped the contents of the blender into… oops, he meant whirling blade pitcher... into the disposal. But an unfortunate garbage disposal head jam occurred as the webcam puppet's head wouldn't fit down the drain. He noticed something in the sink's reflection and looked up.

The words "Hello Dave" and a puzzle piece drawn around it were in red on the hatch to the crawlspace of the apartment. Bro was always tucking away in there when he was busting out his rad stealth stunts. He was so slick that the dangling cord never even jostled. Dave just knew his brother was being ironic with these weird mind games. There was no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.

He quickly used the cinderblocks and turntables to build a fort. He thought it was totally sweet and was sure his brother would agree. Under different circumstances, they might have been highfiving right over it now. But rather than get inside and take it for a spin, he really just needed it to climb up to the hatch.

He grabbed the cord. It was time to face his destiny. No going back now. Slowly, he pulled the hatch open and… oh no. Not another supply of smuppets! A green puppet proboscis smushed into Dave's face and a fluffy blue derriere squished against his head. He went down in the pile. Yeah, there was pretty much no way there wasn't going to be a bunch of puppets in there.

**TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you**

**TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass**

**TT: What is the specific problem?**

**TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong**

**TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it.**

**TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis**

**TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face**

**TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it.**

**TT: Also, coarse is a good word.**

**TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock**

**TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses**

**TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here**

**TG: like**

**TG: the proboscalypse i guess**

**TT: Are you going to start rapping about this?**

**TG: what no**

**TG: no listen**

**TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home**

**TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam.**

**TG: no oh jesus**

**TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse**

**TT: A painted pair of parted lips**

**TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air**

**TT: That teases tufts of orange hair.**

**TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits,**

**TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit.**

**TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second**

**TG: this is serious**

**TG: i am just saying**

**TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like**

**TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever**

**TG: im gonna fly off the handle**

**TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit**

**TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.**

There was a new note on the hatch, held in place by a bat-shaped shurikan. It read:

_bro._

_roof. now._

_bring cal._

_**where doing it man**_

_**where MAKING THIS HAPEN**_

A SBAHJ reference. Bro sure knew how to be awesome. Dave burst out of the puppet pile like "The One", slashing through puppet proboscises with his katana.


	14. Book 1 Chapter 14: Alchemization

Chapter 14: Alchemization

John pulled his dresser into the middle of the room, placed cruxite dowels on and around it, and made a tent with his bed sheet. This was so much fun. A huge waste of time, yes, but SO MUCH FUN!

Disgusted, Rose tossed the dresser and bed sheet into the bottomless pit. Sad, John rounded up the dowels again and carved the totems with the cards. The captchalogued captchalogue card's totem looked pretty bare bones to John. Rose grabbed the totems and stored them in the Atheneum. She took the totem for the captchalogue card and brought it to the Alchemiter.

The Alchemiter apparently required one unit of any type of grist to produce a card. Rose decided to use shale, as it seemed less generally useful than the build grist as of now. She made ten empty captchalogue cards. She put them at John's feet.

**EB: whoa, did you just make all these?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: sweet, thanks!**

**EB: what did you do with all the blue wobbly vase-looking things?**

**TT: I brought the totems out to the alchemiter to test them.**

**TT: I'm taking some things into my own hands to save some time.**

**EB: ok.**

Rose created a hammer at the expense of 2 units of build grist. She made a pogo ride too, which cost five build grist and one shale. She then used the totem with the random code to create a… rocket pack? It had some random crap stuck inside it. There was a cinderblock, a violin, and a flowerpot, rendering it completely inoperable. She dropped it on an imp that had been holding the hammer, figuring she might as well put the piece of junk to use.

In the meantime, John was using a bit of strategy. He grabbed Harry Anderson's "_Wise Guy," _by Mike Caveney, then the cards, catching the PDA and putting it back into his sylladex. The book fell out and John re-captchalogued it, flushing the cards out into the deck. Nice going!

John flipped over his fetch modi to see if he could find any "detect collision" settings or anything. No, nothing but the ability to switch back and forth between FILO and FIFO. This was idiotic.

John opened the Wise Guy book to the Introduction and began to read.

**An Introduction: Who's This Wise Guy?**

"Blood Loss in the Big Easy"

New Orleans, 1977. The close-up room at the Magic Castle was this mean little box that tended to fill up with so much smoke you'd swear someone was cremating a wet dog in there.

In walks Anderson. There isn't much that gets liquor to pause its journey from the table to my lips but I'll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn't the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat. It looked like he was testing the tensile strength of his suspenders to the damn near limit with a pair of cocky thumbs. I wasn't impressed.

But I was a fool.

Somehow in my motion for another beverage he'd already slipped into polite conversation at a table held down by some notoriously brusque regulars. He had them in no time flat. They were melting butter in his glass ramekins. Whatever tidy yarn he'd spun to win them over, I didn't catch a word of it. One of them laughed. I was angry. Envious? Maybe a little. Yeah, you bet I was.

Anderson had one of those little wooden finger choppers that Micky Hades used to sell. The kind where the blade could be removed and clearly shown. It was a very convincing little guillotine that did not look like a novelty store toy. Harry would get a guy to examine the chopper and then cut a cigarette in half. Then he held the guy's hand up and told this silly story. The story of course was artifice, a distraction for the guy and the audience while he worked his stuff with the chopper.

Or it would become that, once his famous chopper trick was perfected, vaulting him to fame, fortune, and the crowning position in the television judiciary.

With what became his signature aplomb, Anderson was in moments a font of breast-pocket gauze, profuse apology, and redoubling determination. It's really amazing how hard it is to find a bloody sausage-sized piece of a guy on the floor of a room that dark and smoky. Impossible, I think we all proved. Just as impossible as Blind Willie Buttermilk Stubbs was going to find it to work his trumpet tomorrow night without his "twiddlin' fingers", a…

John had never understood what Caveney's relationship with Harry Anderson was, or why he'd written this book about the fellow. His ambivalent attitude toward John's favorite magician in these anecdotes had always struck him as weird, and to be honest, John tended not read much of the text in the book. He mostly looked at the diagrams for the cool tricks. He skipped ahead to the first actual trick.

"A Hole in the Ace"  
(a.k.a. The A-Hole Trick)

Here is a perfect example of how Harry could ruin several decks of cards, waste everyone's valuable time, and have you love him for it. He was good at that.

One day he noisily emptied his suit jacket pocket onto the hood of his car in search of change for the meter. A clunky metal thing slid from the pile and bounced on the sidewalk. As I retrieved it for him I asked what he was doing with a hole puncher in his pocket.

His face lit up at the question like he was an elf and I asked him how he felt about climbing into the hollow of a big tree to back some cookies or something. (The two foot, six inch height differential between us causes these comparisons to enter my mind.)

A small crowd had already gathered around even before he produced the first pack of unmolested cards. How people seem to gather, and how they even know a street performance is about to take place, I'll never know. It's perhaps Anderson's greatest trick. Luring the marks like that.

I wanted to ask if he was sure about this, performing in broad daylight. He was used to working in dark rooms. It was usually the first thing out of his mouth when he would queer a trick. "I'm really more accustomed to working in a darker room than this." But Harry was excited, and had already butchered the first deck of cards with the hole puncher, and issued the first round of apologies to the crowd. These were the primer apologies, the sort that got the folks loosened up a bit before the seven course meal of ingratiation that would inevitably follow.

He asked me for a fresh deck of cards and I gave him one.

The principle behind the trick in theory, as he explained to me later, was to punch holes in what appeared to be one card, but was in fact two or more together (hence the difficulty he often had in squeezing the puncher with his little elfish hands). Then using some coy maneuvers with his thumb, temporarily concealing the hole while he slid the card beneath it with his palm, the hole would seem to disappear, or move to another part of the card.

Oh yeah, that's right. The old hole in the ace trick, interestingly enough, pertaining to punching holes in cards and making them "disappear" and stuff. John's hands had never really been strong enough to make this one work all that well either. But actually, this gave him an idea.

He overlapped the punched pogo ride card and the punched hammer card, causing them to mask each others' hole patterns. He popped the cards together into the Lathe and created a new, combined totem.

He then went outside to the alchemiter and placed it on the totem… oh man, it looked like Rose had made like a million hammers for some reason. He cleared the shit out of the way, about to make something totally sweet!

John made the pogo hammer for 10 build and 16 shale! He jumped back and forth on the alchemiter, bouncing it to and fro.

**TT: What did you do?**

**EB: i combined the cards in the lathe thingy and made this!**

**EB: it is so sweet, man look at me go.**

**TT: I see.**

**TT: That was a really good idea, John. Nice work.**

**EB: thanks!**

**EB: i got the idea from harry anderson.**

**TT: Who?**

**EB: uh, you know the show night court?**

**TT: No.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: well bottom line is...**

**EB: he's awesome**

**EB: that's really all there is to say on the matter!**

He got a vicious rhythmic bouncing combo going and easily slayed the imp on the pogo ride in one blow. But in the process, he and the pogo ride were catapulted sky-high.

The pogo ride flew above the roof, flying by an arm coming out of a blue portal in the sky, and then landed in a tree. He was about to fall into the hole in his roof when Rose caught him by placing his bed over the hole.

Through the hole in the study wall, a large green shoe could be seen. It was covering a dark, shadowy foot. A _large,_ dark, shadowy foot.

Below the tree in which the pogo ride and the tire swing resided, another large creature began to climb. Something was terribly wrong.

**EB: hey, that was a pretty, uh...**

**EB: nice...**

**EB: uh...**

**TT: Sweet catch?**

**EB: ... save.**

**EB: oh, yeah.**

**EB: that.**

**EB: this is pretty comfy.**

**EB: why don't you just like,**

**EB: carry the bed around with me on it?**

**EB: up to the gate up there!**

**TT: I can't interact with you directly, or anything that you are touching, if it will result in moving you.**

She attempted to select the bed, but the outline became red and it didn't allow her to move it.

**TT: See?**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: lame!**

**TT: The game probably regards that as a kind of cheating.**

**TT: In a way, thieving you of your free will as an adventurer, and the need to advance by your own skill and ingenuity.**

**TT: The server player is just a facilitator.**

**EB: well, ok.**

**EB: all that scurrying around kind of wore me out, i think i'm going to rest here for a bit.**

**EB: rose, can you keep the imps at bay? like, drop some stuff on them if they sneak too close.**

**TT: No, you should pick up your hammer and defend yourself.**

**EB: what, come on!**

**TT: I have no idea what the hell Dave is up to, or if he's any closer to recovering the game.**

**TT: There's some stuff I'd like to try, in case he doesn't come through.**

**EB: oh alright.**

**EB: i'm just gonna rest my eyes here a second though.**

John closed his eyes slowly, staring up at the gate. He wasn't going to sleep. Just rest his eyes. He wasn't going to… going to… sleep. He was… just going to… zzzzzzzzzz.

Rose checked the Alchemy Excursus. It appeared to be a sort of index documenting all known results for punch card alchemy combinations. This could be a convenient resource as they started to stumble upon more useful combinations. But ever since John had begun alchemizing stuff, she'd been contemplating other ways that the system could be put to use. In particular, if she was able to obtain the code for any item at her disposal, she thought she could theoretically send it to John and he could make it himself. That was, if she could think of anything worth sending to him.

Speaking of which, the SBURB server disk! She'd completely forgotten about it! She ejected the disk, captchalogued it, and flipped it over. Oh god damn it. It was empty. Facepalm.

Outside of the mausoleum, the generator shook quickly and repeatedly. The fire blazed on and meteors and rain continued to fall ceaselessly. And then the generator completely stopped working. The computer shut off. Facepalm x2 Combo.

John lay there on the bed, facing up towards the gate. Clouds flew past him. There was his Dad, the ghost slime on his shirt, Harry Anderson, a… what was that? It appeared to be an outline of a girl. But it wasn't Rose. Who was…

Suddenly, flashes of colorful light burst through his consciousness and he sat up. Someone had been pestering him. He stood quickly, getting off of the bed. An imp behind him began to chew on the mattress, but John didn't notice.

**GG: hey!**

**EB: whoa, there you are!**

**GG: how is your adventure going john?**

**EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.**

**GG: thats good!**

**EB: oh but, like...**

**EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(**

**EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.**

**GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!**

**GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive...**

**GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!**

**EB: yeah, you're probably right.**

**EB: but, um...**

**EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?**

**GG: oh uhhh...**

**GG: i dont know didnt you?**

**EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked to rose or dave about it or something.**

**GG: yeah maybe that was it!**

**EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!**

**GG: heheheh :D**

**EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?**

**EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.**

**GG: oh well john**

**GG: i want to explain lots of things to you...**

**GG: some things that i know**

**GG: im just...**

**GG: waiting!**

**EB: waiting for what!**

**GG: oh! john!**

**GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**EB: what ever happened with that?**

**GG: oh boy... well...**

**GG: it turns out i was confused about it...**

**GG: really confused! o_o;**

**GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and...**

**GG: lost track of time**

**GG: that happens!**

**EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!**

**EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.**

**EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?**

**GG: well...**

**GG: its hard to explain!**

**GG: but...**

**GG: i know what it is now!**

**GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!**

**EB: so what is it?**

**EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me?**

**GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!**

**GG: but i cant yet**

**GG: i really think you need to wake up first!**

**EB: huh?**

**GG: well ok not literally**

**GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!**

**EB: AUGH!**

**EB: stop being so confusing!**

**GG: lol :)**

**GG: anyway time for you to go john**

**GG: i think you have some company!**

**GG: 3**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at ?:? - **

Man she could be confusing sometimes. John re-captchalogued his PDA and picked up his pogo hammer again, sticking it in his strife deck. He got ready to kill some more of those pesky… huh? What was that?

The tip of a yellow hat appeared by the roof. Something was climbing up from the balcony. Green shoes smashed into the wall of the hallway and cracked it all along its exterior. A black hand reached out and placed the old Sassacre text on the roof where John had been.

John hid behind the bed along with the pesky shale imp that had been chewing on the mattress not too long before. They both shook with acute fear.

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **at ?:? -**

**EB: rose, why aren't you dropping something on that thing?**

**EB: oh no**

**EB: D:**

The imp grabbed an umbrella and quickly absconded the fuck out of there! This was what weaker adversaries did whenever things got too hot in battle, which was frequently.

John ran over to his magic chest that he suddenly remembered had been on the roof all along. There were things in there that would be good to stock up on for a major battle. But it looked like someone had plundered the chest! This was so outrageous.

The house was utter mayhem. An imp looked up at a broken branch stupidly. Windows shattered as the large creature climbed to the roof. Another shale imp at the top of the tree next to the pogo ride hung on for dear life.

A black hand smashed into the area of the roof where John stood. He was being ambushed! The hand cracked the surface as it fell upon the hard surface with a loud thud. There wasn't much room to maneuver on the sloped surface. He had to consider making his way to higher ground.

John ascended to the highest point of the house, which was the platform that Rose had built. He smashed his pogo hammer into an imp next to him, clearing the area. He peeked over the edge of the roof, but there was nothing there.

It already seemed like a long way down to his yard. Not even to speak of whatever lay below. Hey, hadn't his trick handcuffs been dangling from the tree in the front? Dammit, why had the imps needed to be making off with all of his sweet gear.

Where was the creature he'd seen before? It wasn't anywhere to be… seen? A drop of drool landed on the back of his neck. Slowly, he turned around. Before him stood two crude ogres, one with his tire swing and the other with the Sassacre text. This was it. He had no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This was totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden change in our attention. It was go time. It was time to do this thing.

where doing it man.

where MAKING THIS HAPEN

Dave stood, looking at the note from his Bro. On the floor sat the weird puppets he'd defaced a few seconds before.

He grabbed his katana and Lil' Cal, who had been on top of the fridge, eyes gleaming in anticipation. He smashed through the door to the staircase and ascended to the roof. He burst through the door to the rooftop just as quickly and set Lil' Cal down. Around him, meteors fell from the sky, setting fire to the entirety of the urban landscape.

A black silhouette of a man with a hat appeared and disappeared just as quickly. Lil' Cal went with it. Dave looked around in shock. Where had the little guy gone? He jumped into the center of the roof and looked around once more. There was no one there. What… PSYCHE!

A young girl stood in her mini garden. On her shirt was an image of a blue pumpkin. She wore glasses and next to her sat a pumpkin with the image of a dog of some sort carved into it.

The girl stood and awaited her name… OH WAIT! x2 DOUBLE PSYCHEOUT COMBO!

A young… rather, an old… rather, a… what was he anyway? Whatever. WV stood in the capsule in the middle of the desert.


	15. Book 1 Chapter 15: The Mayor

Chapter 15: The Mayor

WV began to consider retrieving his arms, but he already had them. What about… examining that rotten pumpkin in the corner? WV stuffed it in his mouth, leaving pumpkin stains on his gray sheets. What pumpkin?

There was a panel with a spirograph behind him. Within the spirograph was the classic image of an atom. Below this logo was a red bar. It appeared to be a gauge for a large power cell, perhaps fueled by some kind of nuclear reaction. If this was the case, it was relatively low on fuel. But who knew how long it'd been running there? It didn't matter, though, because he did not care about this nonsense and was very hungry. He decided to disregard it at once.

He began to captchalogue one of the cans on the floor, but he was not sure what the meant. It was total nonsense and he had no idea what to make of it. He would not give the foolish notion a second thought. He merely picked up the can of gravy. He was now holding the can of gravy.

WV tried to use his teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can, but they were useless. They were blunt like those of livestock, presumably suitable for mashing up plant material, and not for puncturing metal. He then attempted to open the can with his weak pathetic digits, but they were not strong enough to penetrate the can! His fingers were certainly pointy enough, and his black carapace was suitably rigid, but he just didn't have enough muscle for the task.

He picked up the can of beans as well. He also picked up the can of custard… or, rather, mustard, a fact of which he had been perfectly well aware. It was sort of cumbersome holding all these cans at once. He doubted he could hold any more than this. Maybe one or two. He'd need something to put stuff in if he wanted to carry a lot of things around.  
Ooh… he suddenly became fascinated by the marking on his hand and dropped all of the cans. It was a sort of specialized barcode pattern. It brought back unpleasant memories, and he prefered not to dwell on it.

He began to examine the small potted plant, but quickly stuffed it in his mouth. BURP… what plant? What was there left to examine? WV picked up the book on the floor about human etiquette. It appeared that half the pages had been eaten. The daunting volume was considerably lighter than it once had been. He was somewhat skeptical about the nutritional value contained by these pages. However, of the practical wisdom they contained there could be little doubt. He had learned so much.

Oh well. He set the book down and removed the cans from the peculiar cabinet, taking a quick inventory of his canned goods. He had beans, mustard, gravy, bread, shrimp, asparagus, cheese, rice, corn, peas, flour, chestnuts, mayo, ham, potatoes, and squash. Such bountiful plenty. And yet the delights taunted WV from within their small metal prisons. He'd already looked all over the place for a can opener, even making a few electronic inquiries about one, to no avail. There was nothing else inside the purple thing either.

Well… he did have his trusty knife… well, it wasn't really a knife, at that. It was actually a… what were they called? It was a rusted old one of those red mailbox arm-swing flappy doodads, either for letting one know there was mail in the box, or for alerting the mailman to outgoing mail to be collected. WV didn't know, really. He'd wrapped a little piece of cloth around it for a grip. What had been the point of bringing it up? It was quite useless for opening cans.

WV thought for a second that he should be the imp, and then he realized that he had no idea what that meant. He was not an imp, he had no idea what an imp was, and he would certainly not entertain such frivolous and childish activities ever again. He felt stupid and hating himself a bit more for even considering it.

As the glorious founder and mayor of Can Town, he erected a dignified, majestic city hall out of cans, fittingly topped off with the tome of good manners for the roof. He gave himself a very official and important-looking mayoral sash made out of old cables to complete his look of authority. a number of rather civic-minded citizen cans gathered in front of the building to offer adulation to their fair and magnanimous leader. All was well.

He immersed himself in this beautiful dream as he whittled away the minutes, or perhaps hours. He couldn't tell. He loved the idea of being a mayor. He loved everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civilized democracy. It all seemed so mannerly and reasonable to him. Everyone was friendly and happy, and the city ran like clockwork. The foundation of the government was based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It was also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loved who was totally amazing and heroic and brave.

Mayors were so much better than kings. He hated kings and thought that kings were really stupid. They were petty, bossy tyrants and were really full of themselves and basically awful in every way. God did he hate kings.

Hmm… WV crossed to the other side of the room. There was another one of those purple storage boxes on the wall, and some useless objects scattered on the floor. There was a box of crayons, a chunk of uranium, a firefly trapped in amber, and a canister of oil.

He picked up the nugget of uranium and swallowed it. Ow! That was so stupid! Why had he done that?

He looked at the box of crayons. Oh, it was chalk. Of course it had always been chalk, numbnuts. WV opened it. Inside were 12 pieces of chalk in every color of the… WV ate the two green pieces of chalk. ...10 pieces of chalk in almost every color of the rainbow. He was excited by this.

Holding the chalk in one hand, he banged on the door of the storage box. Nope. It was firmly shut. There had to be some sort of special release mechanism for it. Umm… maybe the oil would do something? No, it was just motor oil. Nothing special.

He picked up the firefly trapped in amber. There was nothing he could do for this new little friend. Attempting to crush the amber encasing the poor creature would likely cause it harm. It nevertheless bravely flashed on and off. WV found its light alluring. Inspiring. To him, it seemed as if it could easily have served as the light of…

Wait for it. The vagabond rushed over to the town hall and placed the firefly inside. ...democracy. Yay! He took out the chalk and drew a handsome network of thoroughfares for his citizens to traverse on the ground. The adoring population applauded its mayor's keen instincts for city planning. He even added some lush vegetation to his city with a piece of blue chalk, because he couldn't find a more suitable color for some reason.

At the end of Can Boulevard, the mayor of Can Town developed westward, settling those fertile plains and claiming them for his city. He sectioned off a number of commercial and residential zones for civic growth, arranged in the only logical pattern that occurred. Every other square like a chessboard. He colored his residential zones in with a piece of white chalk, but for some reason none of the colors in the chalk box struck him as suitable for commercial zones. Perhaps there was an alternative.

His own pee, perhaps? No, he couldn't urinate because he had not had anything to drink for quite some time. He was very thirsty. Also, that was a really terrible idea and he would not consider befouling his city like that for even a moment. Um… Why was everything a puzzle for poor WV?

Oh, of course! The motor oil! He filled each empty square with a bit of motor oil to complete the zoning. It looked rather striking to him. He could hardly imagine that an up and coming young can trying to make it in the world would not be delighted to live in his fair district. He was very careful not to get any of the unpleasant fluid on his person.

He was the mayor. He had a city. There were streets, a town hall… wait. He didn't have a mayoral label! Every good mayor needed a label saying "mayor" on their sash! He peeled the label off of the Mayo can and affixed it to his sash, adding an "r" to the end in red chalk.

Now that he had a proper mayoral sash, he could begin to expand his territory. But where could he expand to? It seemed as though he'd run out of room for westward expansion. He scratched his carapace thoughtfully. There were always the walls. Perhaps his citizens would be happier with a colorful backdrop that would make them feel more at home.

Using most of his imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, WV rendered a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds. He had decided that very closely orbiting his city was a luminous planet, about which orbited a single moon. As soon as he ran out of light blue chalk, he switched to another shade of blue and continued rendering on the western wall.

Orbiting much further from his city were four planets. None of them had satellites, he'd decided. Yes, that made sense, he thought. One of them was a splotch of motor oil, a second was a colorful planet surrounded by clouds, a third was a water planet with a giant volcano on it, and the fourth was shaped like a giant gear.

On the southern wall, beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness, was the luminous planet's counterpart, the ominous planet. A moon circled this one as well. Also on the western wall was the computer console, upon which the upper right screen was on. It displayed a rampaging boy with a pogo hammer.

Yeah, it was that guy. WV had almost completely forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans. It seemed like he had things in hand at the moment. He did not appear to require WV's help, and the vagabond had already concluded that the boy could not help him, at least for the time being.

The other three screens were all off. WV had no idea how to operate this thing! There was no mouse for the weird quadra-monitored computer. It could only be operated through text commands on its keyboard. Perhaps there was a special key or command which would allow him to switch on another monitor? What about… the tab key? WV pressed the tab key.

Behind him, the storage box upon which he had drawn the luminescent planet popped open. A bunch of cans of Tab Soda fell out. OMG! SODA! DRINK! LIQUID! THIRST!

WV freed the heavenly brown elixir from the jewels of pink carapace and imbibed like the wind. It was so sweet and sugary! He wondered how so much sugar could fit in one can. Whatever mighty wizard who had concocted this potion was truly deserving of his fear and respect.

The Tab Sodas were neutralized as loyal new citizens of Can Town. All cans were welcome and equal in his city, regardless of can content and whether empty or full. It wasn't like emptying a can killed it or anything. They were just cans after all.

Feeling refreshed and heavily caffeinated, he resumed his work on the big computer. He hit escape, which seemed to minimize the action window thingy and revealed a history of all the commands he'd entered. He used the arrow key to scroll up a bit. He couldn't believe how much he'd already typed into this contraption. What a waste of time.

He scrolled all the way up to his first command. It looked like there were more commands before it. Maybe someone had been entering commands into this thing before him? There weren't many more. At the top of the list appeared to be the very first command.

⇒ HOME

⇒ VIEW

⇒ SWITCH 2

⇒ SWITCH 3

⇒ SWITCH 4

⇒ SWITCH 1

⇒ ESC

⇒ LOCK ROOM 3 PASS ********

⇒ VIEW

⇒ REBOOT

BOY.

YOU THERE. BOY.

…

WV typed "⇒ SWITCH 2" and the upper left screen was activated. The signal was garbled and he had no idea what he was looking at. Some filthy old beggar pleading for help? It was one of Rose's Mom's wizards, but WV had no idea what in the world it could have been. There was no one around, and nothing was happening. He seemed to be locked out of any sort of interaction with whatever was happening on this monitor.

WV typed "⇒ SWITCH 3" into the console and the bottom left screen was activated. It was another one of these rapscallions. It was Dave standing on his roof next to an orange bird sprite floating over a destroyed Lil' Cal, but WV had no idea what this was. And neither should you, because this hasn't happened yet in terms of the story of Dave Strider. But, in any case, WV considered switching to screen 4, but he figured whatever was on it would only confuse him more, and he didn't really care all that much anyway.

He proceeded to type "⇒ HOME" and all four screens activated. Together they displayed a countdown, starting at four hours and thirteen minutes.

What else. He began to type "⇒ REBOOT" when he realized it wasn't working. He couldn't press any buttons on the keyboard anymore! The timer seemed to have disabled it!

Whatever. Enough of this nonsense. The Wayward Vagabond was an important mayor and this absurd contraption had already wasted enough of his time. He had a city to govern with a carapaced fist! (Which was to say firm, yet polished, and supple as the situation demanded.) Anyway, this would help him kill some time while he waited for the clock to count down.

He temporarily dismantled city hall to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant town militia. He divided them up into two groups, marking them with distinct teams and ranks using the piece of white chalk and the motor oil. He then organized them in phalanx across the countryside, preparing for a stiff training regimen. When he was through with them, his forces would be a well-**oil**ed machine. **Chalk** another one up to bold leadership. It was time to lead his men to victory.

WV wasted more than four hours playing a stupid game of chess with cans of Tab and year-old rations. He finally reached checkmate and squeezed the enemy king, rupturing it along the side. Shh… no one would ever have to know about this. His caffeinated jittering must have agitated all the little bubbles curiously hidden in the liquid, creating too much pressure in the can. _Yes, that's it_, he thought, nervously eyeing the timer. It was down to four minutes.

He began to wonder what would happen when it reached zero. Maybe it would be best not to be near when it happened.

Minutes in the future, though perhaps not as few as implied by circumstance, a peregrine mendicant trundled precious cargo beneath the gleam of the celestially ominous. She wheeled a shopping cart full of rusty mailboxes through the desert aimlessly. She had no idea where her next delivery would take her, but it was sure to be somewhere interesting. Certainly more interesting than the endless dunes and scorching desert.

She wore gray sheets which came to a point behind her head like an elf hat. She was quite certain she didn't know what an elf was. But in any case, her white carapacian footsteps and the cart full of mailboxes left quite an interesting trail for whomever to follow. The question was, would anyone follow? Ever. Was there even anyone left besides her? It was her duty to deliver her mail, but was there anywhere to deliver it too?

No. She shrugged the thought away. Someone, somewhere, was depending on her. She couldn't let them down. She narrowed her eyes and squinted into the sunny glare, continuing on. She had no choice.


	16. Book 1 Chapter 16: Ascension

Chapter 16: Ascension

WV said a bittersweet goodbye to his beloved city. It was time to move on to greener pastures. By which, of course, he meant an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green had grown in years. He left the console room and entered the cylinder that contained the ladder to the surface. The door closed behind him with a loud thud. A panel upon it illuminated. As he pondered over the marks on the door, he heard another mechanical sound overhead. A metal grate slid out of the wall and blocked the way up. There was nowhere to go but back in.

The LCD panel on the door appeared to have a touchscreen interface. Upon it was what appeared to be a map of the facility. An arrow pointed towards the SBURB house logo. That must have been the room he'd just been in. Curiously, the Wayward Vagabond prodded the funny-looking spirograph. It appeared as though the funny-looking spirograph room was locked. The floor rotated 360 degrees beneath him, however. The surrounding wall seemed to stay put.

He clicked the triangley fractal, which did not appear to be locked. The floor turned 120 degrees and the door opened up again. WV walked through the door to find another room. It was the same size as the one he'd just wasted all of that time in while a clock ticked down to something that may or may not have been his doom. Maybe there was something in here that would help him escape.

Against the wall was another perplexing contraption. It was some sort of control panel. It had two large screens, but only one appeared to be active. The active one displayed the Earth split up longitudinally and latitudinally. The inactive screen displayed a diagram of four circles, each containing a spirograph, and with a bunch of dots leading each of them to a slightly bigger circle in the center. He couldn't make heads or tails of that one. It was a mystery to him.

There were fields for numbers which appeared to be modifiable with the dials to the right. Some numbers were supplied by default, perhaps entered by the previous user. There were three buttons below, the largest one bearing the symbol that had marked this room (the triangley fractal thingy). The one to the left was the SBURB house logo and the one to the right was a button with a map of the facility on it with an "x" marking the central room.

There was also a meter stick propped up next to the machine for some reason.

WV immediately crafted a measuring spear through possibly the most advanced form of alchemy employed thus far. He stuck the trusty knife to the end of the meter stick, slipping the stick through the grip of the knife. This was obviously the most important thing to do first. Obviously!

...Or it would obviously have been the most important thing to do first if he had remembered to bring his trusty knife. He clenched the meter stick tightly in his carapacian hands, feeling insecure without his trusty knife. It made him want to slit his wrists. Or, at the very least, flog his carapace with some sort of measuring apparatus.

Across the room sat yet another perplexing contraption. It looked like some sort of shrink ray, but WV, of course, had no idea what it did. He adopted the only obvious course of action, which was to poke and prod it with his handy ruler. He was sure this was what science was all about. He went back to the control panel, which probably obviously controlled the gizmo, and pushed the big blue button with the fractal on it which was obviously probably the most obvious thing to push.

A smaller screen above the control panel displayed the word "APPEARIFY" and a pumpkin was appearified at the other end of the room by the shrink ray thing. So it wasn't a shrink ray after all, but rather, an Appearifier. The pumpkin had the image of a dog of some sort carved into it.

It seemed as though the mysterious gourd had been transported (or, rather, appearified!) from a specific time and location somewhere on the planet he was on. He wondered if the machine (APPEARIFIER! GET IT RIGHT!) would take any object that existed at any time and location he supplied. He didn't understand what the symbol carved into the pumpkin meant, and he doubted it would ever prove to be relevant in any way. He considered dining on the ripe flesh of the plump vegetable, but his curiosity about the Appearifier got the better of him. He tried to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless. An arm stuck out of a portal in the floor, but WV was too preoccupied to notice.

Okay. It was time to see exactly what the Appearifier could do. He first pressed the green button on the right. All of the numbers changed. Perhaps they were the coordinates for the center of the facility, along with the local date and time? If this were the case, it would make a useful reference point for his current bearings. One way to find out would be to attempt to appearify something from the facility. It would be easy to zero in on a location relative to the center because WV had an uncanny knack for tracking precise distances he had already traversed, in whatever units he chose. His handy ruler gave him a good clue as to the basic unit of human measurement. He would go with that.

He nudged the coordinates very slightly and bumped the elevation by 0.5 human measurement units, making sure to keep the time approximately what it was to begin with. He appearified his trusty knife in the flower pot, which had been sitting atop the dismantled town hall.

He nudged the numbers a bit more and appearified a bunch of cans along with the firefly in amber. This was so much more efficient than walking back to the other room to get them. He was to believe that time was at a premium, after all.

He wondered if he could deappearify the pumpkin, but he immediately banged his head with his fists in self-anger. _Does the machine look like a Deappearifier to you? _he thought. Honestly, the thought that an Appearifier could both appearify and deappearify things was so laughably ridiculous, WV wished that someone could deappearify his brain and reappearify it with a brain that was more smart and less dumb.

What about carving a spook schema into the pumpkin? What the hell was that supposed to mean? The idea made no sense and was basically meaningless. He should try using that mushy stuff in his gourd next time. Instead, he just carved off the top, exposing a decadent cache of gorgeous, seed-laden ambrosia. Needless to say, he consumed all of it rather quickly.

Full of pumpkin mush, he attempted to move the spirograph switch between the two screens. It was locked, however, pointing towards the Earth and not at the other diagram. It seemed to require a special key to turn it.

WV picked up the firefly trapped in amber and held it in his hand, nudging the numbers on the dials some more so that they corresponded with the insect. He hit the central blue button on the control panel and the trapped specimen was appearified out of the relic. She flew over to him and landed on his head. He would give her a name when something suitably whimsical occurred to him.

He and Serenity (that was quick) considered new ways to waste time with the appearifier. He was assuming she was a girl firefly even though he was not totally sure that fireflies could even be girls. He finally settled on targeting the extremely tasty rotten pumpkin that had been sitting in the other room hours ago.

But it seemed the appearifier could not appearify something if it would create a time paradox. Instead, it paradoxified a gelatinous ghost pumpkin, which quickly dissolved into a pile of green unappetizing sludge.

Serenity blinked a message of urgency (.-.. . - … -. -!, which means Let's go!). Right! WV had nearly forgotten that while trapped in amber she'd been witness to all of his tomfoolery and dillydallying in the other room, and knew the timer was about to expire. It was time to get this show on the road and escape. He reset the coordinates with the green button on the right once more and adjusted the elevation by approximately 10 human measurement units.

The Appearifier appearified the grate at the top of the facility, which fell into the pile of gelatinous sludge. It was go time.

WV brought the emptied-out pumpkin over to the appearifier and filled it with his cans. There were approximately 30 seconds left to go.

"... ..- .-. .-. -.- ..- .-.!" Serenity blinked (which translates to Hurry up!). The Mayor quickly placed all the cans into the pumpkin but when he tried to place the last can of Tab, there was no room. He tried to fit it in again, but it didn't work. He tossed the can over to the control panel, where it landed on the green button on the right.

WV rushed over to the control panel, where he placed the top of the pumpkin towards the back of the thing and then finally attached his trusty knife to the meter stick. He attached the newly created measuring spear to his back, slipping it through his mayoral sash. He grabbed the top of the pumpkin again and returned to the Appearifier, where he placed it on top of the pumpkin. It didn't fit, so he ate the top. 8 seconds to go.

"- ... .. ... .. ... .. -. -.-. .-. . -.. .. -... .-.. -.- ... .. .-.. .-.. -.-!" Serenity blinked again ("This is incredibly silly!").

He attached an old cable to the pumpkin and carried it like a bag. That worked. 5 seconds to go. He was out the door. Slowly, he climbed the ladder. 3… 2… he could make it!

WV slipped and fell to the ground, all of the cans spilling everywhere. The top of his hood had fallen open. In an act of some sort of karma, the pumpkin landed on his head, rendering him the pumpkin lid. He supposed this was another PSYCHE moment. Maybe?

oh wait. UNPSYCHE. WV attempted the rare and highly dangerous x5 cliffhanger combo and failed. We were doing it man. We were making this happen.

Out in the desert, WV's footprints created a long trail leading to the facility he was in. They wound over dunes and through long sandy valleys under the scorching sun. And at the very end of it, WV was poking his head out of the facility, his pumpkin bindle and the spirographic lid to the facility sitting on top of the scorching white metal. Not too far away sat an arm of sort, holding a globe. Zazzerpan the learned had always held a globe in one hand.

The large facility which had been sitting in a crater, suddenly and with a great explosion, took off from the desert. It was and had always been a rocket. It flew into the sky, up above the clouds. Serenity, who was floating by The Mayor's head, struggled to keep up. They were flying west across the desertified country. The Mayor peeked over the edge, watching as the scenery rushed by down below.

A continent westward and years in the past (but not many), a crater fell towards John's neighborhood. An explosion. A crater. It began to fill up with sand. The desert around it shifted until all that was left was uniform, flat ground. As the desert shifted, a white sapling sprung from the ground. It grew over the years, branching out and growing many leaves, until, one summer, it bore fruit. A small, gray capsule with the SBURB logo on it fell to the ground. This was no ordinary tree. Autumn. The leaves turned red and fell away.

In the most barren month of the year, winter, no snow fell. This was, of course, due to the extreme heat in the desert. Under the hot winter sun, the Peregrine Mendicant wheeled her cart towards the tree.

Something appeared in the sky, although the mendicant did not notice it. Above the tree, high in the sky, WV peered over the edge of his westward-traveling rocket and saw her. He waved. The mendicant looked up from her position near the tree and the strange capsule. She watched as the strange hooded figure and his insectile companion flew overhead.

An ocean westward and years in the past (but not many… scratch that, years and _years_ ago, as in super-pre-pre-pre-historic), a volcano sat amidst a sea of crags. Somewhere out in the depths of space, a gyrating spirograph let loose a meteoroid. The meteoroid hit the Earth with astounding force, making a giant crater next to the volcano. It slowly filled with lava from a recent volcanic eruption. The volcano fell dormant.

Over the years, an ancient frog-worshipping civilization grew in the crater, bringing animals and lush vegetation to the area.

A flood. The crater filled up with water, wiping away the civilization. Only their towers and shrine to the frog god remained. Water slowly eroded the crags around the volcano, leaving only a small volcanic island with a crater in the center. Vegetation grew, overtaking the land. Vines and water crumbled the towers. Only a few remained standing, including the largest one in the center. More vegetation. Lilypads crowned the water. Trees grew on the land surrounding the crater. Clouds passed overhead along with pterodactyls. The age of the dinosaurs had arrived.

A tree fell behind Rose's house as she braved the extreme heat and the pouring rain outside. She was banging on the generator out by the mausoleum, trying to get it to work. The flaming piece of vegetation fell towards Rose and she jumped away from the generator.

At about the same time, her mother stood inside the house, holding a martini glass and looking off at the next-door laboratory. A button was pressed and a trapdoor in the mausoleum slid open.

Meanwhile, at around the same time as Rose absconded from the generator, four dark towers rose above a tiled purple surface. Two lowly shale imps stood below these imposing towers, one with John's wizard hat on and the other with a sword in its hand, urging on John's Dad, who was wearing his fedora and had his pipe in his mouth. He was shackled...

With trick handcuffs. He popped them open with a shift of his wrist and quickly spun on his heels, wielding a cake in one hand and a can of Barbasol in the other. The imps looked at him in fright, holding their hands up in surrender.

Meanwhile, at around the same time as well, Dave stood on the roof with his katana, looking around for his Bro. His shirt with its image of a disc on it shifted back and forth in the hot wind.

And then there he was. Bro Strider stood across from Dave, Lil' Cal next to him, on the roof of their apartment building. His eyes gleamed behind his triangular shades.

Meanwhile… well, not meanwhile, but rather, in the future, WV's rocket capsule, out of fuel, landed on a desertified old island that had once been home to a proud, frog-worshipping civilization. He looked up at the tall tower and sighed. Why was he here? What was his purpose in life? Such was the conundrum of a mayor. Did he serve some greater purpose?

He banged himself in the head quickly for being repetitive and continued to look up in awe at the large frog shrine. Serenity stopped blinking for a second to admire the structure as well. Hmm…

Dear John,

**You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of ****Sassacre****'s time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson! **

**How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the ****Final Day** **of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your ****Father****. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready. **

**But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of ****Warring Royalty** **in a ****Timeless Expanse****. A realm of ****Agents** **and ****Exiles** **and ****Consorts** **and ****Kernelsprites****. Of toiling ****Underlings** **and slumbering ****Denizens****. A realm where four will gather, the ****Heir of Breath** **and ****Seer of Light****, the ****Knight of Time** **and ****Witch of Space****, and together they will ****Ascend****. **

**John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again! **

**Until then, John, I do hope your ****Father** **keeps you well fed!**

**With love,**

**Nanna **

**P.s. Hoo Hoo Hoo!**

To be continued in Book 2: Insane Corkscrew Haymakers


	17. Book 2 Chapter 1: Jade Harley

Book 2: Insane Corkscrew Haymakers

Chapter 1: Jade Harley

A silly girl napped by her flowers. She was holding a note written in light green ink in her hand and had a shirt on that depicted a blue pumpkin. It was quite likely that she'd tired herself out with a variety of silly antics, as silly girls were often known to do. She may have had a silly name too. Or maybe not… it was hard to say for sure without asking her. But since she was slumbering peacefully, it would have been a shame to wake her up. It would be best to name her right now.

She lay and awaited her name. Farmstink Buttlass? Umm… she didn't make a face. I mean, I suppose her name's Farmstink. Okay… well, there's no narrative without a character, right? We'd better try to wake Farmstink up.

Let's just shake her around a bit. Wow! She's really down for the count! Um… if we just drop this pumpkin with the weird carving in it on her… Okay, it just deappearified. Just great.

Wait, what pumpkin? There is no pumpkin, and frankly it is hard to imagine there ever was a pumpkin, in plain sight or otherwise. Anyway, that would have been a really terrible thing to do to poor, sweet Farmstink.

Hmm… well, let's see now. What does that note say? It's a little card, not too large or small, just the right size for a concise message.

**farmstink?**

**that is incredibly**

**silly and a little bit**

**rude! my name is ⇒**

Let's just flip the card over here. Hold on… Ah. Jade Harley? Yes, that must be it. That is what the card says. Her name is Jade Harley.

Suddenly, Jade sits up and… hold on, I should get back in the past tense mindset and STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

Suddenly, Jade sat up, looking around. She got to her feet. She'd just woken up from a restful nap, and as usual, had no recollection of ever having fallen asleep in the first place. She had quite a number of interests. So many in fact, she had trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of colorful reminders on her fingers to help her sort out everything on her mind. Nevertheless, when she spent time in the garden atrium, the only thing on her mind was her deep passion for horticulture.

Jade picked up her flute by the wall and attempted to play a haunting refrain. All that she managed to do was to squeak out a few random notes. Wow, she really sucked at this thing! Maybe she should try playing an instrument she actually knew how to play, like the one in her bedroom. Honestly, she had no idea where this flute had even come from. Things seemed to appear and disappear around here all the time. Especially, to her unending chagrin, any sort of orange gourd that might have been lying around. She considered throwing her flute down in disgust.

But on second thought, it was a perfectly nice flute and there was no reason to take her frustration out on it. She just needed some practice. She decided to captchalogue it instead. Before doing so, however, she first needed to set her fetch modus.

She had a wide variety to choose from. She had been really excited when her Grandpa had bought this set for her for Christmas. He was a total badass, even if a little strict. Jade typically opted for the Memory modus when it came to matters of day-to-day practicality. She also had Boggle, Pictionary, Monopoly, Yahtzee, Clue, Connect Four, Jenga, Battleship, Ouija, Guess Who?, and Operation moduses, all classic games.

Today, however, was just like any other day, so she opted for the Memory modus as usual. She tucked her shirt, which depicted a blue atom, into her belt (it was always coming loose) and captchalogued the flute. She then proceeded to allot 9 cards to the modus from her deck, since that would be more than enough for her needs at the moment. The modus grabbed 9 more cards, bringing the card total up to 18 for matching purposes. The flute was split up into two blank cards, and mixed randomly into the 3 by 6 matching grid. To retrieve the item, she had to first pick one card, and then its matching card. For the typical sylladexer, this modus presented a frustrating guessing game and a lot of wasted time on mismatching. But Jade liked it because she seemed to have a knack for always guessing right on the first try.

Just like John, Rose, and Dave, she had to consider doing something frivolous as well. Perhaps squealing like a piglet and fertilizing some plants would do? No, it was an awfully silly idea and was basically a waste of everyone's time. She would predictably disregard this thought and focus on more sensible objectives at once.

Except, she wasn't predictable, so she wouldn't disregard the idea. Hefting the bag of plant fertilizer, she jumped around from table to table, squealing like a piglet the entire way. Oh my god this was so much fun! Eventually she just captchalogued the fertilizer bag, splitting it up into the Memory grid.

Panting, she looked at her hands. She tended to have a lot of things on her mind at once, and she could sometimes be a bit forgetful. So she kept a variety of colored strings on her fingers as reminders. Each one meant there was something different to remember at a certain time. In fact, looking at her index finger reminded her that there was something to remember now! It was 4/13, her friend John's birthday. The green string reminded her that John's birthday package would arrive today. The blue string _also_ reminded her that John's birthday package would arrive today, though in a way that meant something slightly different. She was further reminded that she had some things to do outside her house soon. But that she should stop by her room first for some supplies, and most importantly, to see if John was online and wish him a happy birthday.

Jade quickly and inconspicuously snapped up a pumpkin next to her that seemed suitably ripe for the taking, tucking her shirt (which depicted a blue ghost slime on it) into her belt again in the process. Hopefully the safety of her sylladex would prevent it from being spirited away like many of its ephemeral predecessors.

She, along with her shirt depicting the SBURB spirograph, made her way to the middle of the garden atrium, where a stairwell joined the four atrium wings. What was SBURB? She had no idea. Upstairs was her Grandfather's laboratory as well as her room.

Before going upstairs, however, she wanted to fill up her sylladex a bit. After all, the Memory modus was no fun without anything in it. She decided to stock up on fresh produce to fill some more cards. She grabbed a juicy red crab apple, a nice looking key lime, a delicious mandarin orange (her favorite), and a ripe yellow eureka lemon. They all smiled happily at her and she smiled back. Delicious fruits were always so jovial! Modus fun aside, she felt it was impossible to have too many fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.

Okay. She was ready to go upstairs. She tucked her blue-leafed shirt even tighter into her belt and stepped onto the Transportalizer in the middle of the spiral staircase. She almost never used the stairs. Wearing her blue squiddle shirt, she transportalized upstairs, where a box with the atom logo sat to the side. Just above was her room.

She ascended the final flight of steps and entered her bedroom. On the near side of the room where Jade stood, she was immediately confronted with numerous artifacts highlighting her various interests. She was an avid follower of cartoon shows of considerable nostalgic appeal, such as one of her favorites, Squiddles. She had a profound zeal for marvelous and fantastic fauna of an anthropomorphological persuasion. She had an uncanny knack for nuclear physics, and not infrequently could be found dabbling in rather advanced gadgetry. She also enjoyed sporadic fits of narcolepsy, which was fairly self-evi… zzzzzzz…

Ten minutes later, Jade woke up and continued as if nothing had happened. Her love of gardening transcended the glass confines of her atrium and she was at times prone to patterns of precognitive prognostication. She very briefly considered the question: What should she do next? But she realized that this was only half of her she'd just examined, and therefore host to only half of her interests to choose from.

On the other side of her room, which she and her blue-weird-dog-logo t-shirt turned to look at, were yet more articles of her aforementioned interests, and then some. Additional telltale signs of her enthusiasm for nostalgic television mingled with her assortment of game-hunting firearms. She was a skilled markswoman, though her crosshairs would never settle on an innocent creature, anthropomorphically persuaded or otherwise.

Her work table was littered with equipment to facilitate her tinkering. For Jade, experimentation was not a particularly exact science, and she leaned heavily on sharp intuition for consistently and eerily optimal results. Nevertheless, she had still not been able to get that broad flat gizmo over there to work, which was a design she'd borrowed from one of her Grandpa's more mysterious inventions. It looked like a five-panel window. Six tubes extended from its sides.

Jade was a great admirer of her Grandpa, and she was not alone. Her grandfather was a world-renowned explorer-naturalist-treasure hunter-archaeologist-scientist-adventurer-big game hunter-billionaire extraordinaire. He had taught her all she knew.

But in spite of all of his lessons, it was still difficult to escape his stern lectures when she was on the way out of the house to run her errands. He spent most of his time in the grand foyer, stewing in his own intensity and charisma. And today would likely be no exception. Among the errands she had planned was to venture out to find her pet and best friend named Becquerel. This animal had to be fed and he would not be happy if he was not. And if he was not happy, then Jade would not be happy. But first she really wanted to dig out her computer and say "hi" to John!

She equipped her trusty hunting rifle and placed it into her riflekind strife specibus. There would have been hell to pay if Grandpa had caught her leaving the house without it.

She looked over at her wardrobifier, which she had left on its randomization setting. That explained all the shirt design changing. Now it was the blue sun, but now the weird blue dog, and now the blue flower. Blue atom. Blue ghost slime. Blue pumpkin. Blue radioactive symbol. There were ten in all, the other three being the blue leaf, the blue spirograph, and the blue squiddle. The squiddle was a bit much like Rose's typical shirt symbol, which was a purple squiddle adapted to fit the girl's odd fascination with the zoologically dubious, but Jade did not know this.

In the future, she thought about contemplating which shirt design she favored most and commit to that setting, but for the time being, randomization was fine.

Jade was about to grab the blue squiddle doll at the foot of the wardrobifier to cuddle with, but before she could, the powerful electromagnets concealed in their underbellies became activated, and it got pulled to a pink one not too far away, their tentacles tangled up playfully. She captchalogued the tangle buddies.

She thought about losing interest in fauna and never speaking of it again. That would be a horrible thing to do! She could NEVER do that! What marvelous creatures they were. What a daring dream, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom. How she wished she could know their world! To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up her stairs. A low but friendly growl unsettles her slumber, and as the sopor seeps from her eyes they detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight. A mysterious wolven tongue invites. Wouldn't those ears suit her? Would not that proud long snout assist her in the hunt? No need to answer. Words slough from the busy mind like a useless dead membrane while a more visceral sapience takes over. Something simpler is in charge now, a force untouched by the concerns and burdens of the upright, that farcical yoke the bipedal toe. It now drives her through the midnight brush, her paws whisking through creepers, unearthing with each bold stomp bright odors demanding investigation. But not for long, as she and her new-found friend must claim the night with piercing howls moonwards. She eats a weird bug and doesn't even care.

Speaking of which, Jade picked up and admired one of her manthro chaps. They were wonderful friends and were always cheerful and pleasant fellows. Each one came with a number of accessories, including articles of formal attire, a vaccination kit, and a dishwasher-safe sloup trough.

"Why dear Mr. Coxcomb, how ever will you be received at the barnyard gala without the trappings of a proper gentleman?" She asked the old chap.

Setting Mr. Coxcomb down, she gathered all of the dolls into a rather cozy-looking pile. In the process, a yellow and a purple squiddle became tangle buddies. She returned to the wardrobifier and deactivated the random mode and set it to cycle through the spirograph, sun, and atom. The decision had been tough, but she believed she had come to the best possible conclusion.

Outside, it was another beautiful day in her neighborhood, peaceful and quiet as usual. A rather imposing volcano, which fortunately had been inactive for centuries, loomed over her house. Though dormant on the surface, the volcanic activity deep underground provided her house with a source of geothermal power. She was not sure why her Grandpa had decided to draw for this source of energy when he had the unlimited power of the atom on hand, but it had been this way for as long as Jade could remember. She'd chalked it up to her family's longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits… ahem *cough cough*, that is to say, pursuits.

Fursuits. Of course. She thought about retrieving hers from her magic chest, but she did not, nor had she ever, owned a fursuit. She thought anthropomorphic fauna were really cute and enchanting and all, but it had never occurred to her to dress as one. Sure, it was fun to imagine what it would be like to run wild with a pack of wolves, or purr and frolic with a litter of kittens, but dressing up as an animal just seemed ridiculous! It would still just be a silly girl draped in a raggedy synthetic tufty piece of crap, and seriously who was she trying to kid with that sort of baloney? Anyway, it was not a magic chest, as she very well knew. It was her gadget chest, which she had adapted to store a number of useful gizmos. It was once her oracle's truck, a gift from her grandfather, of course, and still contained many silly fortune-telling knickknacks, all of which were completely bogus.

Among the silly fortune-telling knickknacks were the following items: a crystal ball plus compulsory velvet pillow, a tarot deck, a magic 8 ball, a magic cue ball, and one of her favorite books of all time: _Problem Sooth_. Among the _useful _gadgets were of course her computer, which Jade kept inside a fun lunchbox for easy transport along with a couple of gizmos she kept handy so that she didn't always have to make the long trip to the kitchen. They were a Cookalizer for preparing delicious meals, and a Refrigerator, a name which was clearly a wacky variation on the much more common household appliance, the Refrigifyificator.

Jade looked at the magic eight and cue balls. They were stupid and useless! When the magic 8 ball wasn't being frustrating ambiguous, its forecast was always wrong! She had tested it numerous times with certain facts she knew to be true.

"Is it John's birthday today?" She asked the eight ball. It gave the reply "not exactly". See? Stupid!

Unless… well, Jade supposed maybe it could be used as a reverse-prediction device such that she always trusted the opposite of what it said. But that seemed dumb to her. And anyway, the thing gave her a bad vibe. She might have considered smashing it, but she was a little superstitious about whatever ominous consequences that might have, even if the occult talisman in question was a cheap piece of garbage.

As for the magic cue ball, it was said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity, but unfortunately, it lacked a portal on its surface to allow her to view the prediction. Both of the items were complete junk. Jade placed them back in the gadgetry box.

She captchalogued the Refrigerator, Lunchtop, and Cookalizer. Whoops, there went her flute. But who cared.

Before Jade went out to find Bec, she had to prepare food for him. She cleared some space on her work table so that she could set up her Refrigerator and Cookalizer. Just for fun, Jade decided to allow you, the reader, to take a stab at matching the cards to use the gizmos. It didn't present much of a challenge to her, so she figured she might as well step aside, while providing a few generous hints. No, no… warmer. Warmer. Cooler. Cooler. COLD! No, silly, tangle buddies are nothing like oranges! And what's this about matching limes with fertilizer? Warmer. Yes! No! Cold. ICE COLD! Warmer. Warmer… Oh there we go, you got the key lime. Nice job. The key lime jumped around on the table.

No! The Refrigerator is certainly not a lemon! No! Really cold! FROZEN FUCKING TUNDRA. Oh god. The eureka lemon joined the key lime in bouncing around on the table.

You selected the mandarin oranges, which joined the fiesta on the table. Congratulations, you have advanced your matching skill to the new level: **YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE**. Just so cold. So cold. Jade was beginning to regret breaking the fourth wall again for this ill-advised escapade. Ok, one more time. You have one more chance.

You released the apple onto the table. If it were known in advance how terrible you were going to be at this matching game, the author may have given second thought to preparing this cool interactive segment of the story. Look at all these fruits on the loose. Good luck to Jade trying to settle them down.

She just deployed the gadgets herself and rounded up the fruits to put in the Refrigerator to keep them fresh. They were unlikely to become less impudent any time regardless of where they were stored, but she stuck them in anyway.

Jade took a look at the Refrigerator's rotary interface, wondering what Bec was in the mood for today. She dialed up a thick t-bone steak, which she was sure her pet was in the mood for because he was in the mood for steak every day and was never in the mood for anything else. But he did like his steak well-cooked. She then looked at the other device. The cookalizer's display had a heat setting going from thaw to cook to irradiate to NUCLEAR EXPLOSION! X_X.

She turned the dial up to irradiate. Bec sure did like his steak rare anyway. But she didn't dignify the thought of turning the knob much farther because she was not retarded. She placed the steak on the cookalizer and captchalogued the irradiated piece of meat a few seconds later. She probably shouldn't have wasted any more time. She should have hurried outside so that all those nice steak isotopes stayed nice and depleted. But she didn't hurry outside. She examined the atomic bass by her bed.

Well… actually, she wouldn't exactly call it atomic, but it was heavily customized to accommodate a high level of musical virtuosity, the perfect instrument for the eclectically spirited. She'd tuned the strings way down of course because her stumpy arms couldn't reach the low notes.

She switched the more properly named eclectic bass to its advanced setting. Two keyboards and another guitar popped out of the side. She promptly switched it back, however, since obviously it was too complicated to play in person like this. The default setting was her preferred mode for casual jamming. And since she couldn't possibly waste enough time playing music, casual jamming was exactly what she was going to do.

She began to play a hauntingly relaxing bass line, the recording box playing it in the atrium and growing the plants. A pumpkin grew so big that it was disappearified. Wait? What pumpkin? There was no pumpkin there, nor had there ever been one there. This was a scientifically proven fact because pumpkins couldn't just disappear.

Her room was off to the side to the main tower of her Grandpa's luxurious mansion tower, which had the observatory sitting on top. The entire mansion sat upon the smaller peak next to the volcano, which overlooked the lake, which maintained numerous lilypads upon it, and of course the remnants of the frog-worshipping civilization.

A plane flew overhead, dropping a blue package with a parachute attached to it. The package landed near a crumbled tower not too far from Jade's home.

Jade stopped playing and captchalogued the bass. She also grabbed the portable amp from the wall socket. Okay, it was time to talk to John. She jumped into her comfy pile of manthro chaps and squiddles and took her lunchtop out of her sylladex. She decided to get down to business.

She opened her lunchtop and a flame shot out of her computer. The flame slowly turned into a rotating green cylinder, which grew in size until it was bigger than Jade itself. It exploded outwards and created Jade's 3D holographic desktop. The desktop background was animated as well. Her programs: Pesterchum, Echidna, and Freshjamz! floated around her. An arm came out of a blue portal above where she lay. That was odd. It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

Jade selected the Pesterchum application. She used Pesterchum Enamel, which was much shinier than all of the other Pesterchum versions. There were three people online today - John, Dave (who appeared to have pestered her yesterday about something), and the mysterious troll "carcinoGeneticist". Her trollslum was filled with random people who were constantly bothering her! But she wanted to deal with her chumroll, so she went in and clicked John. She greeted him but he didn't respond. The silly boy was probably gallivanting around the house in a state of barely restrained birthday mirth. He may also have been retrieving the two packages and two envelopes which she was certain had come in the mail for him earlier. She decided to wait a little while and see if he returned before she headed out.

She clicked on Dave's handle in the chumroll to see if he'd left her a sweet new rap. No, it didn't appear so, but she never knew with that crazy and cool guy. Sooooo cooooooool! She scrolled through his rant.

**turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **at 2009-04-12 - 23:14 **

**TG: hey**

**TG: oh**

**TG: youre asleep again arent you**

**TG: or do you even know if you are**

**TG: i still dont know how that works**

**TG: its like nothing means anything **

**TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time**

**TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage **

**TG: waving around my faggoty chumpductor baton**

**TG: assitant director of chumpography**

**TG: celebrated author ernest chumpingway **

**TG: wait weak**

**TG: chumpelstiltskin**

**TG: uh**

**TG: chumpeldipshit**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: youre asleep y/n?**

**TG: a/s/l?**

**TG: s = species**

**TG: baboon?**

**TG: kangaroo rat?**

**TG: if kangaroo rat yiff twice plz**

**TG: ok well youre not saying anything so i guess whether youre nonawake or unasleep or whatever youre just not around and im wasting good material**

**TG: even worse im wasting a killer fursona here**

**TG: like **

**TG: i dont know like a wide open v shaped leotard and a fuck ton of body paint**

**TG: some like sinewy back arching cirque du soleil looking motherfucker**

**TG: always low to the ground gettin a good prowl on**

**TG: like i dropped my keys in the dark**

**TG: nimblest son of a bitch who had the gumption to glue a nasty pair of latex cat lips to his face **

**TG: for a reason that wasnt a joke**

**TG: jade hey**

**TG: where are you**

**TG: seriously im sitting here tonight with a fucking bag of kibble jacked open on my lap and primed for goddamn bear**

**TG: and youre gone**

**TG: btw my name is Akwete Purrmusk **

**TG: hardest buttock in the jungle**

**TG: tempered steel**

**TG: hey yeah just wanted to give you this remix i finished**

**TG: here**

**turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **sent gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **file "explore 3" **

**TG: so yeah**

**TG: you dont have to respond to any of that btw**

**TG: ill probably forget half the shit i said anyway**

**TG: talk to you tomorrow**

Jade opened Freshjamz Media Player and added Dave's remix to the list. On her list now, she had Showtime Remix, Dave's remix of John's song Showtime; Aggrieve Remix, Dave's remix of John's song Aggrieve; the bassline for Verdancy, created by none other than the wonderful Jade herself; the full song, Potential Verdancy, created by Jade and remixed by Jade; Ohgodwhat and the Ohgodwhat Remix, both done by Jade; Rediscover Fusion, by Dave; Crystalanthemums, created by Dave and remixed by Jade; and the new Explore Remix, the original Explore having been created by Jade and then remixed by Dave. She listened to the new song and thought it perfect for that chapter at the end of Book 1 where WV went across the nation and John's Dad broke loose of his handcuffs and stuff. Ascension, right, that was what it had been called. And the letter from Nanna to John at the very end there would have gone well with the Ohgodwhat Remix. Jade decided to stop breaking the fourth wall again. Not… that it wasn't possible that she'd known about all that stuff anyway. But… whatever. Next chapter.


	18. Book 2 Chapter 2: TFOJF

Chapter 2: The Future of Jade's Friends

Speaking of chapters, Jade decided to open Echidna and check out the highly touted to see how the new Midnight Crew adventure was doing. She navigated to a random page in the middle of the latest update. What?

GT: Boggle vacantly at these shenanigans.

There was an image of a young boy with glasses, a wizard hat with yellow stars and moons on it, and a green ghost slime on his shirt, sitting on the grass outside his house. He stared into space. Next to him were a pogo ride, two captchalogue cards, and a toilet with cake in it.

It begins to dawn on you that everything you just did may have been a colossal waste of time.

It looked like Hussie had just been finishing up some sort of weird tangential intermission here. Whatever it was, it clearly had advanced the plot in no relevant way whatsoever.

Jade clicked "End Intermission", effectively ending the intermission. A red curtain covered the image on the screen. She then clicked "[S] Midnight Crew: Act 1031". In MSPA lore, [S] meant that the page would have sound. Ooh…

The word loading appeared on the bottom of the curtain and then the screen zoomed out to show the curtain surrounded by a gear and lots of machinery. A sun and a moon, both on sticks, shifted back and forth to the sides of the thing.

Suddenly, the screen finished loading and the cool flash animation began. The moon and sun switched positions; the sky went from a light blue to a dark purple; stars came out; the moon was suddenly illuminated.

The crescent moon grew and the curtain disappeared. In the sewer system of a city, four shadow-like men sat around a table. Each had a card in front of them. Their heist map sat in front of them, a hole in the center of it.

One of the men picked up the ace of diamonds and transformed it into what looked like a cue stick. Two words above him reintroduced him as the tall and thin Diamonds Droog, even though MSPA readers had already seen the name hundreds of times.

Another one of the men picked up the ace of clubs, transforming it into a chisel. The words above him reintroduced him as the dwarvish Clubs Deuce.

A third picked up the ace of hearts, transforming it into what looked like a radio antennae. Jade couldn't tell. He was reintroduced as the burly Hearts Boxcars.

And finally, their leader picked up the ace of spades, transforming it into a cane with a horse figurehead at the top. He was reintroduced as the normally-proportioned and clever Spades Slick.

A flashing image of the word Casino appeared, surrounded by the four suits and then a raging fire was implemented as six green creatures, each with a different number on their hats, appeared with the fire as their background. A fancy-looking text box appeared on the bottom, signifying that they were called The Felt.

The scene cut to a grayish room with what looked like a safe in the background. Having read Problem Sleuth, Hussie's previous comic, Jade wasn't so sure it was a safe. It might merely have been a painting of one. Slick hit a member of The Felt (it had a yellow hat with the number 1 on it) repeatedly with his horse cane. Deuce and the Felt member with a purple hat that said 4 on it shook back and forth, flipping out.

The scene cut once again to the flames and Felt number 15, with a burgundy-and-gray-striped hat, appeared dramatically.

It cut again to a warehouse of some sort. Diamonds Droog shot repeatedly at Felt number 2, with a blue hat, who was hiding behind a box. He had one gun in each hand for dual wielding and maximum kill points. Felt number 3, who had a burgundy-colored hat, snuck up behind Droog and the member of the Midnight Crew turned around. He switched to his melee weapon, the cue stick, and hit number 3 repeatedly with that. Number 2 got away in the process.

Then the scene cut to some absolute insanity as the Midnight Crew, The Felt, and what looked like characters from Problem Sleuth, danced around randomly.

Then it was all over. The words "Midnight Crew" appeared in a spade surrounded by blood. Jade had killed a little time, but there was still no sign of John.

**gardenGnostic [GG]** **began pestering ****turntechGodhead [TG]** **at 2009-04-13 - 12:36 **

**GG: hi dave!**

**TG: hey sup**

**GG: not much sup with you!**

**GG: bro! hehehe**

**TG: haha**

**TG: good one**

**TG: s'alright being chill i guess you know how it goes**

**GG: great! feeling cool today?**

**GG: mr cool guy?**

**TG: oh man you know it**

**GG: sooooo cooooooool!**

**TG: you know shit is ice cold up in here**

**TG: shit is wicked bananas i am telling you**

**GG: :D**

**GG: so have you talked to john today?**

**TG: yeah we were just talking a while ago about how he sucks at his sylladex**

**TG: can you believe he uses stack that kid is ridiculous**

**GG: lol**

**GG: well that doesnt sound like much fun!**

**TG: what was it you use again...**

**TG: wait nm**

**TG: i forgot whenever we talk about your goofy modusses i get a migrane. what do you want with john**

**GG: :)**

**GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package!**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet**

**GG: i think it did!**

**TG: yeah?**

**GG: and i think mine came too**

**TG: so uh**

**TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something?**

**GG: no!**

**GG: he will not open it**

**GG: he will lose it!**

**TG: oh**

**TG: uh**

**TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess?**

**GG: no its good actually!**

**GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it**

**GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place!**

**TG: see like**

**TG: i never get how you know these things**

**GG: i dont know**

**GG: i just know that i know!**

**TG: hmm alright**

**GG: anyway i have to go!**

**GG: i have to feed bec which is always a bit of an undertaking**

**TG: man**

**TG: if i were you i would just take that fucking devilbeast out behind the woodshed and blow its head off**

**GG: heheheh!**

**GG: i dont think i could if i tried!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: say hi to your grand dad for me too ok**

**GG: ._.**

**GG: yes i guess an encounter with him is almost certain**

**GG: it is usually...**

**GG: intense!**

**TG: well yeah isnt it always with family**

**TG: but he sounds like a total badass**

**GG: yeah he totally is!**

**GG: anyway gotta go!**

**TG: see ya**

**GG: 3**

It was time to strife. Dave was ready. It was now or never. Suddenly, his Bro appeared behind him and Dave turned. Bro Strider was holding his sword above his head and had one hand out towards Dave. Then Bro disappeared and Cal was in his place. Bro rushed back and forth in a black blur, pushing Cal's head down such that it appeared to be bobbing.

"Round 1!" Bro shouted, and Dave jumped in the air, did a flip, and lunged at Lil' Cal. Cal disappeared and reappeared behind him, so Dave turned and sliced at the puppet. The puppet jumped into the air and Dave missed yet again. Lil' Cal reappeared behind him, mouth moving up and down demonically as Bro rushed back and forth, and the foul creature kicked Dave in the face. Cal began to float around as Bro became more and more aggressive. Dave swung to the left and right, back and front, but every time he swung, Lil' Cal evaded him yet again. Finally, the puppet fell to the ground and Dave ran towards him. Just as he was about to slash through Lil' Cal, Bro moved him to the side and Dave missed.

The next five seconds were just Dave slashing around blindly as Cal seemed to appear and disappear everywhere, on all sides. Bro was certainly enjoying himself. And then he dropped Lil' Cal on Dave's face head. Dave staggered around a bit, but then slashed upwards. Bro pulled Lil' Cal away from the reach of Dave's katana. Cal knocked Dave over and as the boy was getting up, Bro stopped moving completely for dramatic effect and pushed Cal hard into Dave's face.

Dave fell again and the puppet leaped onto the prone boy. Lil' Cal proceeded to dance a ridiculous jig on Dave's body, kicking him with every foot movement. Bro was relentless. The assault continued on and on and on…

Oh, Rose was online. Jade turned her attention to the other girl.

**TT: I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.**

**TT: Do you know where I can find a wellspring of this sort?**

**GG: hahaha yes ok but we cant talk for long!**

**TT: You have plans? **

**GG: well yes i do but its just that you will lose your internet connection soon!**

**GG: and we wont talk again for a pretty long time**

**GG: not until you enter!**

**TT: Enter?**

**GG: yeah!**

**TT: This is what I was talking about.**

**TT: This was the itch that needed scratching. **

**TT: My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless.**

**GG: lol what did you want to know?**

**TT: You've been insisting today was the big day.**

**TT: We would all play a game you didn't know the name of.**

**TT: A game you said I'd get in the mail, and did.**

**TT: One that would help me answer some questions.**

**TT: But Strider is being obtuse, I can't catch John at his computer, you don't even have the game yourself, and on top of all that, my internet is unstable.**

**TT: So are you sure today is the day?**

**GG: there sure are a lot of challenges but yes i am sure!**

**GG: dave is cool, you know he will come around when the time is right**

**GG: he just has a lot of work to do first**

**GG: and so do you! **

**GG: youll need to keep searching for a stable signal and power source, it will be hard but dont give up!**

**GG: and dont worry about me either, focus on playing with john first**

**GG: it all starts with you two!**

**TT: Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this?**

**TT: I'm sure you think little of blithely upsetting dark forces with Grandpa Moreau over there on Hellmurder Island, but honestly I've only read a few books on it.**

**GG: haha dark? thats ridiculous!**

**GG: i dont really know what to tell you other than its not going to be what you think it is**

**GG: and most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you havent thought to ask yet!**

**GG: just be patient and be brave youll see**

**GG: it will be fun!**

**GG: uh oh looks like youve got to go**

**GG: take care rose! 333**

**\- ****tentacleTherapist [TT]** **ceased pestering ****gardenGnostic [GG]** **at 12:54 -**

Several hours in the future, Rose returned to the mausoleum. It appeared as though a secret passage had opened up. It was getting awfully toasty in the room. Rose gathered up all of her belongings, including her dead cat, and descended down the rungs to the secret passage. A hallway of dirt led to a greenish glow of light at the other end.

Jade had spent enough time concerning herself with the future of her friends. John would not be available until later, and by then, he would have his hands full, as would she.

She packed up her lunchtop and got ready to take care of some business downstairs. She descended the flight of steps to the room with the atom box, but try as she might, she couldn't stop her mind from drifting to the fate of her friends. She dwelled on a particular configuration of reminders on her finger. The blue string on her pinky. John Egbert.

Two crude ogres stood over John on his roof. The boy bounced his hammer back and forth to get a combo going, went super ghost slime saiyan, and leaped at the one on the right. The ogre punched John in the face with the Sassacre text and he bounced off of the other ogre's jester hat. He landed on his back and the ogre on the right hit him in the stomach with the Sassacre text. The ogre with the tire swing pulled the string back and then flung the tire at John, ensconcing him in its comfortable rubber. The crude ogre pulled back and smashed John against the ground multiple times. It proceeded to swing the tire swing over its head and let go, sending John sailing off the roof. Nannaquin caught him, however, and filled his health meter once more by feeding him ghostly cookies. The cycle of strife continued.

Also in the future, but years, not hours, under bare white branches a sentry awoke. A gray segmented worm thrust its way out through a hole in the SBURBan capsule and looked down at the Peregrine Mendicant. It extended its long, sinewy, metal body down to the ground where the homeless carapacian stood with her cart full of mailboxes. It looked at her but then turned its attention to the mailboxes. It began to chew on one. Nom nom nom… Angry, PM (Peregrine Mendicant) drew her sword.

==================================================================================  
[Z001] some stuff about captcha codes and punch card alchemy

is anyone actually reading any of this? or are they all dead. i don't know if  
anyone besides us is even alive and playing the game or if anybody even really  
cares what we have to say!

rose said i should add some stuff to this faq if anything occurred to me, so i  
guess i'm doing that. i figure at the very least it will be a good reference for  
just us to use. but dave probably won't read any of this because he's sort of this  
whopping stupid horse butt. whatever.

i finally figured out what those weird codes on the back of captchalogue cards are  
for. well maybe not what they're ALWAYS for, but a way that sburb has exploited  
them for an in-game purpose. every captcha'd item stamps the card with a unique  
code, and a gizmo in sburb called the punch designix will punch a unique pattern of  
holes in a card which is derived from that code. the punched card can then be used  
with other gizmos to duplicate the item and/or combine it with another item.

i got to thinking about this and with my amazing hacker skillz i noticed a trend.  
the hole pattern is based on a fairly simple cipher, converting the captcha code to  
binary and then the binary pattern is punched, where 1 is a punched hole, and 0 is  
an unpunched slot.

so, umm... here's the table just to be clear.

0-0, 1-1, 2-2, 3-3, 4-4, 5-5, 6-6, 7-7, 8-8, 9-9

A-10, B-11, C-12, D-13, E-14, F-15, G-16, H-17, I-18, J-19,  
K-20, L-21, M-22, N-23, O-24, P-25, Q-26, R-27, S-28, T-29,  
U-30, V-31, W-32, X-33, Y-34, Z-35

a-36, b-37, c-38, d-39, e-40, f-41, g-42, h-43, i-44, j-45,  
k-46, l-47, m-48, n-49, o-50, p-51, q-52, r-53, s-54, t-55,  
u-56, v-57, w-58, x-59, y-60, z-61

?-62, !-63

there are a couple oddball characters ! and ? at the end to bring it up to 63 (0  
thru 63 = 64 total, i.e. 6 bits). cause the binary representation of the captcha  
code chars are 6 bits each, which have a range of 0-63.

so for instance the captcha code for the hammer is "nZ7Un6BI". look up the index  
for 'n' first, which is 49. The binary of 49 is 110001. keep doing that for all the  
chars and you get:

n=110001 Z=100011 7=000111 U=011110  
n=110001 6=000110 B=001011 I=010010

OK... that's the pattern that will be punched on the card, BUT...

the bits are arranged top to bottom, left to right, in four columns, like this:

1 0 1 0  
1 0 1 0  
0 0 0 1  
0 1 0 0  
0 1 0 1  
1 1 1 1  
1 0 0 0  
0 1 0 1  
0 1 0 0  
0 1 1 0  
1 1 1 1  
1 0 0 0

or punched on a card.

so to combine two items you just overlap two punched cards. only the places where  
both cards have a hole will show through, so it's sort of like a bitwise AND  
operation on both cards. the new pattern gives you the code for the new item.

for instance combining the code for a hammer (nZ7Un6BI) and a pogo ride (DQMmJLeK)  
gives a new code with less holes obviously, which translates to 126GH4G. that hole  
pattern went on to make the pogo hammer, which is so rad you have no idea. i've  
also wondered if you can combine items in other ways, like a bitwise OR. that means  
combining the cards to get MORE holes, not less, i.e. the new pattern has a hole  
for every hole on either card. this pattern would be accomplished by DOUBLE  
PUNCHING A CARD! like, two codes, one card. i've got to try that some time.

but there are some mysterious things about all this. first of all, with all the  
hole slots, there are 48 bits in total, which means there are almost 300 trillion  
possible codes. and 300 trillion sounds huge! but when you consider it is supposed  
to account for ALL CONCEIVABLE ITEMS, including all the wacky combinations of  
stuff, it suddenly doesn't seem that big!

this leads me to believe that not every combination of item has a viable duplicate.  
but this is kinda obvious anyway, since there are many combinations of punch cards  
that will produce either a blank card (with AND) or a totally punched card (with  
OR). so there are lots of dud combinations out there, and many that will just lead  
to the same pattern. like for instance a gun and an atom bomb could make some sort  
of ULTIMATE DEATH RAY, but for that matter a shoe horn and a potted plant could  
lead to exactly the same pattern! so weird.

also it seems like combined items will always have patterns with either much fewer  
holes or much more holes than more "ordinary" items, which will occupy the vast  
meaty middle of all possible patterns. it is strange and counter intuitive that  
more complex objects have simpler patterns but hey, there you have it.

but all this sorta makes me guess this system can be cracked in some way. like if  
you have a complicated item and you want to "extract" simpler item components from  
it, there might be some algorithm for deriving the pattern you want, or at least  
narrowing down the possibilities. there might also be ways of charting through the  
simpler patterns on both ends of the bit spectrum, and pinning down the ones that  
will make cooler stuff. who knows.

i want to ask jade about this because she's really good at this sort of thing  
somehow even though she doesn't have my leet haxxor cred. too bad she makes herself  
so scarce all the time. jade if you ever read this let me know what you think!


	19. Book 2 Chapter 3: Skaianet Laboratory

Chapter 3: Skaianet Laboratory

A large sign hung above an exit door. It read "SN." The top part of the S was an atom and the bottom half was a SBURBan spirograph.

Rose entered through the exit door. She was in the laboratory. A greenish glow pervaded the entire area. She peered around for mad scientists, but there were none to be found, mad or otherwise. Or anyone for that matter. The lab appeared to be deserted. There was a kiosk though. It stood right next to her. It appeared as though the kiosk monitored the lab's enormous hubgrid. All around her, light and dark green hubs formed a checkerboard-like pattern. Indeed it was. 8 by 8 large squares, each large square made of 144 hubs. That made… Rose did a quick mental calculation. 9216 hubs all together.

Jade transportalized as far down as she could go in her Grandpa's mansion tower. The grand foyer was still a few floors down, but the Transportalizer on that level was blocked by one of her Grandpa's impressive big game trophies, and she just didn't think he would cotton to anyone moving it. Speaking of which, the floor Jade was on now contained some of his trophies. He had a million of the ghastly things. Jade really disliked them. I mean, come on, who wanted a taximerdied gryphon lying about their house? No one but her grandfather. Of course.

She hopped down a level. Her granddad also liked to accumulate valiant knights from his travels. They were pretty cool, she guessed. They were illuminated by the reddish glow of the adjoining rooms.

She kept going down. Oh yeah, how could she have forgotten about his stash of decrepit mummies. God she hated these things. They were illuminated by the pinkish glow of the adjoining rooms.

She walked down another flight of steps. This… this was her Grandpa's collection of what he referred to as his cerulean beauties. No lovely lady would be fit for his collection unless her portrait had spent at least twenty years bleaching in the front window of a beauty parlor, a type of establishment he'd plundered no less frequently than ancient tombs. Jade guessed they had sort of been like her sisters while she'd been growing up, and she'd always been encouraged to look up to them. They were all awfully pretty ladies, she supposed, but it was always hard to get as excited about them as Grandpa.

"Jade," he'd say, "study hard and keep your rifle at the ready. When adventure summons, I know you will rise to the task and take your rightful place among the daughters of eclectica." The old coot sure was a bag of wind! Suffice to say, this floor was illuminated by a cerulean glow from the adjoining rooms.

Jade walked down the last flight of steps. See, this was the stupid thing that had been blocking the Transportalizer. It was a large white-and-green monster creature snake thing, with so large a tail, the thing went down one of the passageways and into some old study that no one had ever been in anyway. It looked retardedly up towards the ceiling, an expression of wonder and curiosity upon its bulbous face. It was unspeakably hideous.

Down the southeast hall was the grand foyer. She'd have to cross it to leave the house. Wait. It looked like someone was pestering her. Even though… she'd logged off? She was pretty sure she had. She set the lunchtop down and opened it up. Oh god. This guy.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **at 13:04 **

**CG: HI AGAIN, IDIOT.**

**GG: oh nooooooo**

**CG: SO I GUESS TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.**

**GG: :O**

**CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?**

**GG: you can leave me alone!**

**GG: how can you even be talking to me after i blocked you...**

**GG: AND after i logged out?**

**CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT I AM BETTER AND SMARTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY, FOREVER.**

**CG: YOU DON'T GET THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID.**

**GG: i get that youre a jerk and you should shut up!**

**GG: goodbye you jerk!**

**gardenGnostic [GG]** **blocked ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **at 13:06**

Rose peered at the kiosk. It appeared to be a mapping of each hub's index. One of the hubs had recently been unlocked. It was labeled "SN_LAB0413".

At the center of the hubgrid was a little stage that looked perfect for supporting a spectacularly silly dance. Or it would have if standing on it hadn't made her a little nervous, and also if it hadn't sounded like a retarded idea given the circumstances. It looked a little like the various contraption she'd been deploying in John's house. She wondered what it did. A little triangley fractal was drawn on it.

Rose took her laptop out of her sylladex, expelling everything in the process. Jaspers landed on the stage and disappeared. Great, she'd just vaporized her dead cat. Oh well. Ashes to ashes, she figured. There had to be a better way to deal with this lousy tree.

She looked at the back of the fetch modus. Ah, it looked like she could choose between picking leaves or awkwardly uprooting the whole tree. She'd been stuck on the latter. She selected the leaf option and turned off auto-balance because its consequences could be a little mystifying at times.

Rose gathered up all her belongings again in a way that placed her laptop in a conveniently accessible leaf. She wasn't sure why she hadn't done this whole thing a little sooner. It was kind of a funny looking tree now, but her concern for structural elegance was at an all-time low.

As long as she was going to plug in her computer, she walked along the hubs to the unlocked one and drew it out. She suspected that this had been the same unsecured signal she'd been using earlier. She plucked the laptop from her tree and plugged it into the hub 413. She then proceeded to captchalogue first the hub, then the laptop again. There had to be a better place around here to set up her computer. This huge grid of electronics was sort of uninviting. She looked around. Hey, what was that?

There was a metal plaque on the wall with the words: "SKAIANET LABORATORY. UNESTABLISHED IN:" and then there was another one of those ominous countdowns, counting down from 3 minutes and 14 seconds. Rose hadn't noticed it when she'd first entered the lab about a minute before. There were many zeroes on the countdown, indicating that perhaps this countdown had been ticking down for years. Whatever it was ticking down to, there wasn't much time left. She could only hope that when she turned her computer on again, there would be a connection invitation from Mr. Strider.

Again in the future, another timer wound down, sideways.

The head of a wormish sentry lay severed on the desert ground. Beside it, an empty cart. The lid to the SBURBan capsule was open.

Inside, PM stood atop a pile of mailboxes, looking at the keyboard to the console with the timer on it. She had meant to do something, but it was too late now. The timer had reached zero. The keyboard froze up.

Four sentries appeared, including the broken one, and hefted the capsule upright. It was go time. The rocket shot up into the air, PM and the mailboxes shaking like mad. They rose into the sky, moving to the west.

Cal kicked Dave in the face over and over and over again. He had to abscond. There was nothing else to do.

"Can't abscond, bro!" Bro Strider said, appearing beside him. He gave Dave the thumbs down. Dave held a puppet face in front of him and jerked his thumb to the side. "Round two," Bro yelled.

Dave lunged at Bro and their swords met with a clang. He fell back and jumped over Bro, slashing away from the other boy. Bro shifted to the area that Dave was slashing in and their swords met again. Bro pushed Dave away from him and Dave went flying across the roof.

Bro rematerialized in the area that Dave was about to land in and kicked Dave upward. In mid-air, Bro reappeared and slashed at Dave, but Dave completely fell before his brother could hit him.

They stared at each other through their shades, concentration on their faces. Then they leaped straight into the air and continued to slash at each other as they rose and fell. They managed to stay in the air for a good minute, Dave pushing up off of Bro and Bro re-appearing above where he'd been. And then Bro kicked Dave to the ground.

They both landed and Dave jumped at Bro. Bro shifted to behind Dave. Dave spun and lashed out at the boy again, but Bro had once again shifted. He turned again and slashed, then again, and each time they sped up until eventually, they were both complete blurs. A shadow appeared behind this spectacle and, when Dave turned and saw Bro nowhere, the shadow version of his Bro grabbed him and tossed him westward.

Bro rematerialized westward and knocked Dave upward and eastward. Eventually, as Dave began to land, Bro knocked him westward again with Lil' Cal and Dave slid across the floor to the open roof door. His momentum carried him through and he fell down the stairs.

I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO! I TOLD YOU DOG!

IT KEEPS HAPPENING! What does? Rose didn't have time to humor every random thought that popped into her head. The clock was ticking.

Across from her, on the other side of the hubgrid was a map of some sort, along with a console and two other screens. She crossed the hubgrid and got a closer look. Boy this looked complicated. There were, in fact, _twelve_ other screens. Granted, five of them were just of spirographs, but still! One had an image of Earth, another an image of what looked like eight circles arranged in a larger circle and floating around another circle. It was like the one in WV's capsule, but Rose didn't know this. A third was a blue screen with a lot of writing. It was at the top of the console, about five Rose's tall, so she couldn't quite see what it said. The other four had coordinates on them. Two had white writing and the other two had different-colored writing.

And, of, course, the thirteenth screen, the one in the center of them all, was the map. It was of Northeastern US and Southeastern Canada, but there was no boundary between the countries. The entire map was a collage of colored dots. A meter at the top was a Time vs. Impact meter. Rose logically concluded that the colored dots on the map represented meteor impact sites. It seemed each SBURB game session corresponded with a meteor, but that not all meteors were the result of a session.

The color of the dots appeared to indicate the status of the meteor's descent. The red dots indicated meteors that had already landed; yellow dots were imminent collisions; green would impact later; blue would take a while to touch down.

Rose used the panel to find her present location and zoom in. Surrounding the lab were of course the hundreds of smaller meteors that had been raining down steadily throughout the evening. Most had already landed or would shortly. As she watched, some of the yellow dots turned red.

Centered over the lab was a significantly larger imminent collision. Rose couldn't say precisely how imminent, but she could certainly take an educated stab at it. Just southwest of the lab, centered suspiciously near the location of her house, was an even larger looming collision. Though that one appeared slightly less imminent.

The terminal looked like it could monitor any meteor or session around the world. Search filters could be applied as well, restricting results based on size, time of impact, location… etc. Rose zoomed way out and narrowed the search based on size. The two impacts at the top of the list appeared to be the biggest by far. She examined only their coordinates.

The second biggest was centered over a US city, somewhere in Texas. The second biggest was indicated by a dark blue circle, thankfully, and luckily for the Earth, she supposed, it was way out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. But still… the circle was bigger than Australia!

Finally, Rose removed her computer and hub from her sylladex and plugged her device back in. It was now powered and connected to the wireless signal the hub was broadcasting. Her SBURB session reconnected.

There was no sign of John here. She wondered why the house was shaking. Last time she'd seen him he'd been on one of those roof platforms. She'd have to navigate via the SBURB interface to find him.

She went up from the living room to the upstairs hallway and zoomed out to the balcony. She shifted to the left and zoomed into a window. She moved up to the lower roof and then up again to the upper platform.

John jumped onto the imp on the right and threw his pogo hammer back and forth onto its face. The other crude ogre almost hit John with the tire swing, but Nannaquin shot a strong burst of light at it and it slowly lost life. Rose dropped the fridge on the one John was hitting, but it caught it and used it to smash John away from it. Nannasprite caught him in the oven and sent him flying out. He hit the ogre with the tire swing with a loud "BOING!" Nannaquin materialized next to the one with the Sassacre text and hit it with a bombardment of household appliances.

John leaped into the air, landed on the Alchemiter (which Rose was holding in the air), and bounced the other way. He hit the one being bombarded with the household appliances and killed it, a boatload of grist flying all over the place. The other one began to swing its tire swing, but Nannaquin opened the oven and sent a whole bunch of ghostly cookies flying at it. John hit it repeatedly and Rose dropped the Alchemiter on it, depleting its last reserves of life. More grist flew everywhere. John did a silly dance on the roof.

He highfived Nannaquin, figuring he'd left her hanging long enough. His PDA went off.

**TT: Good work, John!**

**EB: oh, hey!**

**EB: you're back.**

**TT: For now. I'll have to leave again shortly.**

**TT: It looks like there's another large meteor headed for...**

**TT: My present location.**

**EB: oh, so you mean dave connected with you?**

**TT: Not yet.**

**TT: I'll explain later.**

**TT: But I think I've determined that activating the timer in the game is not directly responsible for summoning a meteor to your location.**

**TT: The countdown seems merely to exist as a kind of warning to the player.**

**TT: As well as a strange coincidence.**

**EB: um, ok.**

**EB: i don't really think i get it.**

**EB: is this relevant?**

**TT: Probably not at the moment. And certainly not to you.**

**TT: I have to go.**

**EB: ok, later!**

**TT: P.S. Try not to waste too much of that grist while I'm gone.**

John rocketed up the echeladder to the dizzying heights of the vaunted Boy-Skylark rung. The new green feather was hard earned and well deserved. And surprisingly fashionable.

He decided to collect the phat lewtz of Boy-Skylarkitude. He and his ceramic pork hollow rejoiced in the mound of wealth yielded from his meteoric ascent up the ladder. He was still not sure what all these boondollars could actually get him. But when he was pulling in such insane loot hand over fist like this, who cared? Certainly not John.

His expanded cache limit was more than enough to accommodate the grist windfall. He gathered up to 2260 pieces of build grist, 1040 pieces of shale, 490 drops of tar, and 350 drops of mercury. He couldn't wait to find out what kind of amazing items this new supply of grist would be just barely insufficient to produce.

John peered over the side of the platform. Oh god, there was grist littered down there on the other part of the roof too! Those stupid ogres had been like huge grist pinatas. One of those big sour grape electric holocaust fruit gushers was jammed into the hole in the roof. He guessed there was only one way to get it. He was about to climb down the ladder to the platform when Nannaquin stopped him.

"John, don't forget your book!" she said. "It is your birthright! You ought to give it a read when you have a moment. Particularly the first several pages."

"Ok nanna, I will," he said. He turned around to leave but stopped suddenly. "Oh, wait. Nanna?"

"Yes, dear?" she asked.

"Since I'm trying to get up to that gate, and since you can sort of conjure floating beds and throw me around and all… couldn't you just throw me up to the gate?"

"Yes, of course, John," Nannasprite replied, "but that would not serve your purpose well! There is a very good reason why you should build up to it. And then keep building!"

"Oh, okay, I guess that's what I figured," he said, a bit dejectedly. "So just one more thing. Do you think that instead of telling me exactly why that is with a clear explanation, you can give me a series of really coy riddles about it and then sort of giggle?"

"John, you are a very fresh young man!" she said with a laugh. "Your father has done a wonderful job raising you. I am so proud of you both."

"Ha ha," John laughed. "I guess."

"When you pass through the first gate," Nanna said seriously, "everything will change. You will find the place where the constellations dance beneath the clouds. And then your true work may begin. Hoo hoo hoo!"

"I suddenly understand everything!" John exclaimed sarcastically.

Elsewhere, there was a place where a kingdom lay entrenched beyond an impenetrable veil of darkness. John's Dad sprayed an imp with copious amounts of shaving cream while another sat with a cake in its face. He punched a third one hard and the poor imp flew over a railing and sailed into the darkness.

A dark, shadowy man in a jester outfit watched the screen as all of this unfolded. On another screen, John danced a silly dance as large pieces of grist floating around him.

"Graveyard stuffers," the man in the jester suit growled.


	20. Book 2 Chapter 4: John's Dad

Chapter 4: John's Dad

The Peregrine Mendicant stood in her peculiar mobile station that was traveling due west. She had no sense of her present bearings. The door outside was blocked by a metal column that had extended through the entry shaft before liftoff.

Gasp. There was an envelope in one of her mailboxes! It was addressed to a certain Dr. David Brinner. The subject label said "ATTN: SERIOUS BUSINESS." The address was mostly scratched out. This envelope looked pretty serious to PM. She wondered if she could just open the…

Never! The mail was sacred, and sacred was the trust between the Post Man and the recipient of his precious parcels. She had made a solemn pledge to deliver this letter to the doctor, just as soon as she determined where this address was, or find _any_ sort of discernible mailing address in this wasteland, for that matter. The mail was freedom. The mail was life. The mail was the very fabric of civiliz… Wait. Hold that thought for a moment.

PM reached into another one of the mailboxes and retrieved the a postman's hat. Upon its scratched and dirty surface was the image of an eagle. A yellow, bold eagle. She placed it upon her head.

The mail was the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers were the brave soldiers of god in this righteous crusade. They were the defenders of the light of knowledge, free communication, and the exchange of ideas. They were the bold toters of all those little papery conduits of freedom, the white postmarked angels that whispered a message upon their delivery, a promise to the yearning: "There is hope yet." Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection. MAIL.

She looked at her keyboard and screen. It was the terminal she'd used to activate the station's homing mechanism. It appeared as though it had returned control to her. The default viewport displayed only commands previously entered, including her last and only command "⇒ HOME".

PM typed "⇒ VIEW" and the bottom right screen switched on. There was a view of a young girl standing alone somewhere. She held a gun in her hand. Except… there was a heavy amount of video interference of some sort. It was green and odd. Not like the black, gray, and white of a TV screen. The girl seemed familiar to her.

_Greetings. _She typed. _Don't I know you? _The girl assumed a puzzled expression and looked around. The video interference got stronger and suddenly, the entire console was covered in lightning. As PM watched, the yellow light grew and exploded a hole in the side of her capsule.

SKAIANET LABORATORY. UNESTABLISHED IN: 1: 43.

Rose refused to acknowledge the absurd tea set next to the 14-screened console and succeeded because it was stupid and shouldn't have been in a place like this. She probed further into the lab.

Further in, the tea set continued into what appeared to be a little girl's room. This struck Rose as a bit odd. No time for messing around in here though. Okay, maybe she'd mess around a little bit. _Wear the scarf. Be the rider._ She picked up the scarf on the floor and envisioned herself riding Maplehoof around the… AUGH! WHAT'S THAT THING?

A friendly mutant black kitten climbed out of a teapot on the table. It accosted her ferociously (in a cute way, of course).

John resisted the great urge to take the wedged shale. He knew he should grab the thing, but… he was suddenly feeling apprehensive about entering his father's room. With all that scampering around it had almost slipped his mind how much he hated his Dad's hideous clowns.

But there was no use putting it off any longer. There was only one thing left to do. Give me a "D!" Give me an "E!" Give me an "S!" Give me a "C!" Give me a "E!" Give me a… Oh, just jump already. He leaped into the room below, gaining +50 shale.

9 dark gray candles flickered manically around the picture of Jade on the mantle. In the picture, she wore a yellow shirt with a moon on it. The mantle rested over a yellow-and-purple fireplace, behind which strange creatures had been painted on the walls.

Jade performed a lass scamper into the grand foyer with wild abandon and smacked into something. She didn't know why he always insisted on keeping it so dark in here. Oh look, it was one of his dumb globes. They made it awfully difficult to navigate the foyer. We get it, granddad! You like to travel around the world going on adventures and stuff! Lousy goddamn stupid globes.

Grandpa would certainly have stern words for her if he caught her without her trusty rifle at the ready. That was just what he needed, another one of his blustering mustachioed diatribes. She was rolling her eyes in advance, getting them warmed up. But ideally, she could evade him altogether. All she had to do was get past the fireplace and out the front door, and she'd be scot-free.

She looked at the chaps on the sofas. They were the manor's four distinguished houseguests. They liked to gather there by the fireplace for tea time. As well as pretty much all other times. It was all very mannerly and civilized. She peeked around the corner of the sofa, knowing full well what would happen when she tried to sneak by. The fireplace would light up and her Grandpa's silhouette would appear in front of the fire to give her a good spook. He was so predictable.

She took a step out from behind the sofa and…

and there he goes

the old man….

HASS the flame

She supposed she could still sneak by the crafty old man if she was fast enough. Avoiding an encounter would be ideal. Encounters with him were usually….. intense.

She attempted to leap dramatically across the divide, but she fell halfway across in a fit of sudden narcolepsy. Whoops. She guessed an encounter with him was almost certain now. But most likely not for a while. It was time to see what someone else was up to. Perhaps… John? No, not yet. What about… Dave.

Dave stood on the… AW SNAP! PSYCHEOUT!

Jade stood up.

**STRIFE!**

Jade faced her dead Grandpa, who stood on a platform with a plaque on it indicating that he was "Grandpa Harley" and shot around randomly with her gun for the next two minutes. Her grandfather's odd safari hat flew off.

"YES I am going out with this gun! No T will not go get a bigger one! No I will not take yours! I can't even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly deadly gun and it shoots lots of incredibly deadly bullets! Oh, will you just stop it? I am going now. Goodbye!"

3!

Jade absconded, leaving the house. Good god, the old safari-hatted coot had been easier to deal with when he'd been alive!

PM had miraculously survived the explosion! She crawled over and peered out the explosion hole. Below her was a world of mountains and crags. Her mailboxes fell from the capsule to the wasteland below. An arm extended form a blue portal in the side of one of the mountains, but PM didn't notice. She was so distraught over her falling mailboxes.

One of the wormish sentries extended from the capsule, grabbed a falling mailbox in its mouth, and brought it back up to the mendicant. It was the one with the letter to Dr. Brinner in it.

She took it back and looked at the sentry happily and it looked at her back like an obedient dog.

Rose tried to refuse to acknowledge the absurd kitten but failed miserably and picked up the cute little thing. Oh look, more mad science crap. It looked a bit like an arcade game console.

She stepped up to it. Whatever it was, it wasn't an arcade game any more. There was still a slot for coins, but she doubted that it did anything. She'd left all her coins on the fridge so she couldn't test the coin slot.

"I want to play a game, Rowse. I want to play a game," she whispered, echoing Bro Strider's comic. Even though she hadn't read it.

Except the console didn't appear to have a game to play on it any more. It seemed to be an Appearifier. At least, according to the words "Appearifier ready" in the bottom left corner, it was. The image on the screen was the triangley fractal she'd seen on the platform.

She messed around with the controls… Hey, Jaspers was alive! There he was on the screen. Or, at least, he had been in the past. According to the time stamp this had been almost nine years ago. She tried to move the crosshairs with the joystick, but they were permanently locked on the cat. She might have been able to unlock it, but she clearly didn't have much time to horse around with this thing. She did, however, zoom out.

It appeared as though she and Jaspers had been having one of their sessions. She hadn't been making much progress, however, because Jaspers was no doubt being characteristically recalcitrant. Young Rose held her notebook in her hand, possibly having written that same phrase. Older Rose wasn't sure, however. She didn't remember. Wait. Was this that day?

She attempted to appearify Jaspers, but that would clearly have caused a paradox, because she could plainly see that he hadn't told her his secret yet. It seemed as though the machine had a safety mechanism to prevent such irresponsible appearification practices. A paradox ghost imprint of Jaspers was appearified instead, quickly settling into a mound of green sludge.

The machine beside it sucked up the paradox sludge and began some kind of automated procedure. The letters A, C, T, and G appeared on a screen in an apparently random order. Jasper's DNA? The mutant kitty rolled around on the pink scarf she was wearing.

Finally, the device produced a fetal paradox clone of Jaspers. The wretched creature exhibited a number of unfortunate mutations though. The good news was that it would be mercifully unestablished along with this entire facility shortly. This was also the bad news. Whoever had been operating this machine in the past may have been making unsuccessful attempts to perfect the science of ectobiology.

Rose decided to have a flashback. Except, conveniently, she could watch what happened back then right here on the monitor! She rolled the clock forward a few seconds. Jaspers revealed his stunning secret to young Rose in strict confidence.

Before she could ask him to clarify, however, he vanished into thin air. She now believed she understood why. However, present Rose had not been the one to appearify him from this moment. Her hand had been nowhere near the controls just now. A couple of weeks after he'd vanished, his body had washed up along the riverbank. His suit had been a mess. Her Mom had fitted him with a new one just before the absurd funeral service the woman had insisted upon.

She rolled the clock forward to a week after he'd vanished. It seemed there had not been any accessible video feed during that time frame. She fast-forwarded another week and there he was, just where she'd found him, floating down the river, dead as a doornail.

She then fast-forwarded through everything that had happened after that. Young Rose discovered him on the riverbank, picked him up and brought him in to her Mom. Her Mom had him fitted in a new suit and placed in a specially designed coffin for cats. In the mausoleum, the flowers atop the coffin slowly withered away. Rose from a few hours ago knocked the coffin off the pedestal and placed her computer in its place. The generator stopped working. Facepalm. She grabbed Jaspers and descended the ladder to the Lab. She walked to the center of the room, dumped the cat onto the stage, and he disappeared. He reappeared in a mysterious gray room.

It was Jaspers! He was still alive! Well, ok, he was dead. But he was still intact. It turned out that the stage hadn't been some kind of Disintegratificator like she had thought. It was more like… an Escapilizer. She reappearified Jaspers. She had everything sorted out now. And a good thing too, because she only had ten seconds to spare. It was time to stash the dead cat and amscray.

She rushed to the center of the room, leaped onto the Escapilizer, and performed a pretty decent escapilization along with Jaspers, all her items, and the mutated cat.

Jade walked down a hole slowly, hands in pockets. She would have tried to find the silly devilbeast she called a pet, but he would come to her in time. That is, if he wanted to be found at all. But of course he did. He was probably very hungry.

Becquerel had always managed to elude her prognosticative faculties. He was completely invisible to her intuition somehow, a property almost totally unique to him. It had used to freak her out a bit, but she had long since grown accustomed to it.

A dark green cloud accumulated behind her. Huh? Oh, it was nothing. Nothing at all. Moving right along.

The birthday package she'd been expecting from John had arrived three months late. And yet, right on time. It had landed over there in the crumbling monument, a satellite to the great mystic ruins at the center of the crater lagoon. Now the question was how to get there.

John did a triple-somersault into the room, etc. and stuck to the landing. He was now in his Dad's room. Hmm… where were all the clowns? The room was pretty much gray and boring. He spotted his Dad's briefcase beside him. It probably contained all sorts of clues, or at least various forms and paperwork critical to his trade as a hilarious street performer.

He peered at one of the pieces of paper. Ah yeah, here came the secrets. Get ready for some major revela… Wait a minute. These were just boring business documents and spreadsheets. What the hell was going on here?

John looked around the room. Two fedoras on the hat rack… three pairs of shoes lined up in a row. KIND OF A BORING ROOM. All around him were boring black business shoes. A drop of sweat dripped down his head. The papers in his briefcase had nothing to do with clowns. JUST A BUSINESSMAN. He covered his ears. His Dad had a picture of a pipe on the wall. So they weren't just for hilarious antics. They were real, genuine businessman-like pipes. NOT THAT INTO CLOWNS HE GUESSED. MOST SHOCKING TWIST YET. There was a picture of Harry Anderson and his card tricks on the wall. That was perhaps the most hilarious thing in his Dad's room. Beneath the picture of Harry was a picture of John and a deck of cards on a dresser. On another wall was a picture of some guy. WHO WAS THIS DOUCHEBAG!? A fedora rug on the ground. Ties hung from hooks on a rack. A box of Betty Crocker cake mix.

John assumed a fetal position on the bed and rocked back and forth, traumatized. All those years, while he'd believed his Dad to be out busking up the corners with his hilarious antics, his old man had just been working as an ordinary business-person all along. He had just been a man trying to earn an honest living for himself and his son. Maybe he'd been too embarrassed to tell John the truth? Or maybe it had been because John had never bothered to ask. Now that he thought about it, he realized he had always just assumed…

John's Dad held a safe over his head, threatening to crush a shale imp with it. He'd broken out of his jail cell yet again. Attempts to block the cell door with heavy objects had proven futile. Dad tossed the safe at the imp, knocking it over the railing. The safe flew across a gap and smashed into the adjacent purple tower. Everything was purple as far as the eye could see except for the inhabitants, which were all black and shadowy.

The man in the jester suit stood in front of his screen, watching this drama unfold. He was going to need a bigger safe. Who was this guy anyway? What was he doing with the imprint of a black spade on his clothes?

A pair of orange hands - actual human hands, unlike most of the Homestuck characters so far - typed "SPADES SLICK" into their keyboard.

Hmm… Spades Slick? It had a nice ring to it. But the man in the jester suit knew his own name. And that damn well wasn't his name.

The orange hands decided to take another stab at the naming. "State name and rank." Or… not. That worked too.

The man in the jester suit nodded reluctantly. "Archagent Jack Noir," he said with a snarl. He oversaw various affairs of a dark kingdom. Presently, he was determining how to deal with this prisoner, who had been a thorn in Jack's side since he'd been apprehended. He viewed the affairs of the kingdom through a series of fenestrated walls. He had three of them, nearly enough to form a cubicle of vigilance, which was a full and proper enclosure for an agent of his stature. The screens had multiple facets to them and little tubes running along the sides, similar to the thing that had been built by Grandpa Harley.

Much to Jack Noir's utter contempt, his fourth wall had been stolen some time ago by a mysterious old man in a safari hat.

On the floor in Jack's cubicle was a frivolous headdress that turned his stomach. He'd sooner have stuck his head in a furnace than coaxed it into this monstrosity's loathsome colorful maw. It was bad enough that his exalted ruler had ordered everyone to drape themselves in these hideous jester rags the moment the troublesome human with the pipe and his child had showed up. But he drew the line at the hat.

Jack decided to call a minion. He ordered one of his burliest agents to the scene, a man with a heart imprinted upon his jester robes. This agent brought something far heavier this time. It was some kind of giant wheel. Jack watched as the agent walked to where the boy's father stood…

Suddenly, the transmission was interrupted. A scratched but watchful eye observed him fiercely. A shadowy finger, upon which a ring sat, pointed at the frivolous hat. It seemed as though Jack's glorious monarch had some concerns about his wardrobe.

Ugh… fine. He begrudgingly donned the comical hat. Stupid lousy _just and wise_ ruler. What a royal pain in the ass. He fully intended to through the headdress down in disgust as soon as his superior stopped breathing down his neck for a second. Wait… what now?

Jack watched in silent shock as his burly agent, caught in a headlock, received a good drubbing from the prisoner. How could it even have gotten to this point?

Jack's blood was boiling so hot he could have cooked an egg on his carapace right then and there. It looked like he'd have to go handle this himself.


	21. Book 2 Chapter 5: Bec and the Bot

Chapter 5: Bec and the Bot

John investigated the room for anything his Dad may have left behind. Ooh… it seemed as though there were some unopened birthday presents his Dad hadn't given him yet.

It was present time! He opened the gift on the right. This looked promising. Oh god yes. It was a Fetch Modus Control Deck™ , the ultimate inventory management system! He tore into the box and put a mean peep on the sw33tl00t! In addition to the modus control deck, which had six slots for multiple-fetch-modi-wielding-at-the-same-time, he got a bonus array fetch modus and another twelve cards, which were practically worthless at this point, but hey he'd take 'em.

The first thing he did was flush the extra cards into his deck, leaving him with 24. Ok, really? This just way too many of the things.

The next thing he did was to switch to the array fetch modus. It allowed him to store and retrieve any item from any card at any time. It seemed exceptionally serviceable, albeit difficult to weaponize. And BOOOOOOOORING.

He looked around for perhaps a set of instructions for the control deck, but there were none to be found. It didn't matter anyway. He would just pop some modus cartridges in the slots, fire it up, and see what happened. He started by putting the stack and queue modi in the slots. His sylladex now behaved like a stack and a queue. Items could be removed from both the top and bottom cards.  
He saw no reason at all not to jam the array modus in there too. He made sure to blow out all the dust first, of course. The sylladex reconfigured itself into an array of four distinct queuestacks of six cards each. Yup. This was just the sort of needless complexity he'd come to expect from his inventory management system.

John turned his attention to the other presents. He had a staunch policy of always saving the biggest present for last. Always! So he opened the smaller present first. Inside was a box of delicious fruit gushers. Could the day have gotten any better? John didn't think so. He opened the bigger one. Inside was his own businessman suit. He had thought wrong. Now he could look distinguished with his complicated modus arrangement and fruit gushers.

John filled up one of his queuestacks with six pairs of shoes. Ok, awesome. Queuestack full'a shoes. He proceeded to captchalogue the fruit gushers. A pair of shoes flew out of his sylladex and bonked him in the back of the head. Dang. He'd spaced out and put the gushers in the wrong queuestack. But he wasn't worried. He'd get of the hang of this thing. Eventually.

He took the fruit gushers out and recaptchalogued the black shoes. He examined the box dreamily. So delicious. He couldn't wait to captchalogue one of these packs and make like a million gushers. Screw all of this building nonsense. He'd rather make candy.

Wait a minute… massive tropical brain hemorrhage? Was that even a legitimate flavor? That sounded off. Who made these things anyway? He looked at the top-left corner of the box. No. It… it couldn't be…

Betty Crocker?! The heinous batterwitch had her gnarled claws in everything. What did fruit gushers have to do with baked goods anyway? Why did this even make sense? Why?

_**WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?**_

Cool fructose monsoon? Wild cherry apeshit apocalypse? What even where these flavors anyway?! Ranch dressing rampage? KIWI MANGO COLONIC RUSH!? MIXED BERRY SOCIAL DISORDER? WICKED! WATERMELON! GROIN! INJURY! JAMMIN' SOUR DIABETIC COMA! Neon green ecto-facial blast? M. BETTY CROCKER! WHAT THE HELL! MAGIC!

John held the box and shook sporadically and in random directions. This was definitely something to have a mental breakdown about. But seriously? THIS IS STUPID!

Jade walked towards the blue package casually. Suddenly, a white creature appeared out of nowhere, energy crackling all around it. It looked like… the dog silhouette from that pumpkin that had been in Jade's tower garden but had been appearified to WV's capsule.

Jade pointed her gun at the thing and prepared to Arraign. She aimed the rifle at its head and shot. Energy crackled around her. Lightning and green stuff flew in all directions. Reality flickered away for periods at a time. The bullet melted through the dog's head.

Ar...senalize. Jade shot at the dog, a fierce look of concentration upon her face, but it flickered into a green-and-yellow shifting silhouette. And then Jade and the dog were transported onto the bullet. It flew across the lake and they landed on a mini lump of land on the other side.

Jade ar...tillerated the dog, but just as the bullet reached the thing's head, the creature shifted them into some kind of outer space thing. As they traveled through outer space, they sped up and eventually reached the Milky Way again. They fell through the sky and finally landed back on the island, on top of one of the frog temples.

She ar...mamentified, but the bullet went right through the dog. They were transported through various random places, including Skaianet Laboratory, which hadn't been destroyed yet. Remember, reader, it's still the past (in terms of say, John and Rose).

Finally, they ended up where they had started, the dog crackling with green and yellow energy. Jade ar…fed? No, she didn't arf. The dog arfed. Jade ran to its side and shot a bullet into the distance. The dog teleported to its destination, slowed the bullet down considerably, and picked the thing up in its mouth as it passed. The dog returned and dropped the bullet next to Jade. In the meantime, Jade had picked up the birthday package.

When the dog returned to her, Jade tossed him the steak, which he gulped up quickly, and did a quick dance. Both of them participated in the shenanigan.

"Good dog!" she exclaimed, and gave Becquerel a hug. They continued to dance until Jade suddenly fell asleep. Bec tossed her onto his back and teleported her to her bed, where he dropped her onto the mattress and pulled the sheets over her. He then teleported away.

Rose checked herself for any possible mixed atoms with the mutated cat. Nope, no mixed atoms. It looked like she and her new little kitty had kept their genes to themselves. Her new little kitty whose name was… never mind. She'd think of one later. Hey, where the heck was she anyway? The floor was gray, but the room was permeated by a reddish glow. Oh, she was back home. The well-stocked bar and the Vantas… she meant vantage. What was Vantas? She had no idea. Anyway, the vantage from the window was a dead giveaway that this was her Mom's room. Or at least what Rose had thought had been the lady's room. It clearly wasn't because there was no bed or anything. She decided to not be particularly melodramatic about this revelation.

She looked out the window. Huh… that was funny. The lab was still in one piece. Shouldn't the place have been unestablished by now? The downpour of smaller meteors had stopped…

Oh god, there it was! Rose ducked as shrapnel from the impact broke through the window, grabbing the kitty at the same time. She had to get out of there. The room was a powder keg what with all the booze lying around. The whole room was on fire.

Suddenly, John was feeling very businessman-like for some reason. He'd just punched a shitload of cards in anticipation of making a whole lot of cool stuff. This time he hadn't foolishly destroyed any items. He'd just looked at the codes for some objects he'd rounded up, and punched them on blank cards.

He wondered how much alchemizing he could get away with before Rose got back. As if she had any right to tell him what to do with his hard-earned grist. He was the one running around here putting his ass on the line. All she had got to do was mess around with her computer. Anyway, he had to hurry.

Jade lay in bed and began to dream. One flight of steps down from where she lay, the box with the atom logo on it began to shake. Suddenly, the door popped open and a robot with the same proportions as Jade appeared. It had huge red eyes. Jade's dreambot was now active and awake. She looked around the room in her dream. She was wearing a yellow shirt with a moon on it and bright yellow rays shone through her windows on either side. The walls had fancy pink wallpaper upon them. The dreambot stood in Jade's room with white floors and a Squiddles poster on the wall.

Dream Jade decided to obliquely foreshadow the future through interpretive dance. The silly dance foreshadowed nothing and was essentially meaningless. But it sure was a lot of fun. Wait. What was that arm coming from a blue portal over there… oh, it was nothing.

Suddenly, she yawned. She felt particularly tired today for some reason, so she climbed into bed and tried to get comfortable. But some sort of invisible force was pressing down on her, a strange feeling of cold heavy metal. No wonder she could never get any sleep!

Jade wanted to realize that she could fly, but there was not much to realize. Of course she could fly! The dreambot's nuclear rocket pack was activated and Dream Jade floated into the air. Okay. That was enough of this flying nonsense for now. She landed and examined John's birthday package.

Unfortunately, she would not be able to open it just yet. This package had an important journey to make first. She was planning on delivering it momentarily. Good thing she already knew what was inside. Otherwise, she would have surely been consumed by curiosity and suspense. She sincerely pitied anyone who might have been forced to endure such a fate.

Months in the past… well, enough for the snow on the ground to be seasonably reconcilable.

**\- ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **-**

**GT: hey, happy birthday jade!**

**GG: yay thank you john! :D**

**GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.**

**GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.**

**GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that? you are running me ragged!**

**GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!**

**GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.**

**GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)**

**GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!**

**GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!**

**GT: oh man.**

**GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.**

**GT: ARGH.**

**GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!**

**GT: ok well i hope so.**

**GG: 3...**

**GG: uhhhh hold on**

**GG: ok im back sorry**

**GG: i had to tell someone to go away!**

**GT: oh god.**

**GT: the trolls again?**

**GG: yup :o**

**GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.**

**GT: it seems like there are so many.**

**GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.**

**GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!**

**GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy**

**GG: i have counted twelve**

**GT: what do they want with us!**

**GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john**

**GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!**

**GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.**

**GG: but i think they are mostly harmless**

**GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe**

**GT: oh wow, what? years?**

**GT: ok, well i am sick of them.**

**GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off the trail.**

**GT: so...**

**GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.**

John went into the Pesterchum options and changed his username to **ectoBiologist**. There we go. That was better. Now the trolls wouldn't be able to follow him around anymore.

In the same house, but not the same locale or time frame, John entered his room. He had already carved a few totems, but he'd had to return to the living room for some more cruxite dowels. His carving work was not nearly complete.

Every time he reentered his room, he shuddered at the recent handiwork of some mischievous shale imps. He just couldn't turn his back on them for a second! His posters! His beautiful posters! They'd been like children to him! Nick Cage was neither a clown nor a fool as the posters portrayed him.

Rose fled the burning room and returned to her own. At long last, she had a stable power source and internet connection. Thanks to Skaianet Laboratory.

Vodka Mutini purred at Rose's side. Yes, it was the best name ever! And most ironic. Rose supposed she'd call the cat Mutie for short.

**TT: That's quite a totem collection.**

**TT: What are you planning?**

**EB: oh whoa hi!**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: gonna make some stuff.**

**EB: are you ok? hasn't your house been on fire for like...**

**EB: five hours now?**

**TT: No, that was the nearby forest, which up until quite recently would have been best described as "on fire".**

**TT: But you may be excited to learn that just as recently, my house finally notched that achievement.**

**EB: wow, congrats i guess?**

**TT: Thank you. Have you seen Dave?**

**EB: nah.**

**EB: his bro is probably busy kicking his ass.**

**EB: that's probably all there is to say on the matter.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I'm going to start putting this grist to use too.**

**TT: Let's be sparing with the frivolous knickknack breeding and focus on getting you up to the gate, ok?**

**EB: yeah, ok i hear you, but...**

**EB: i think we'll have plenty. i've been killing imps all over the house and now its lousy with gushers.**

**TT: Gushers?**

**EB: i mean grist.**

**EB: serves them right for ruining my posters. the bastards.**

**TT: Which posters?**

**EB: don't you see? my sweet movie posters. look at them, they're fucking ruined.**

**TT: John.**

**EB: ?**

**TT: Are you suggesting that imps are responsible for defacing your movie posters?**

**EB: uh, YEAH?**

**TT: Your posters have looked like that ever since I first saw your room.**

**TT: The moment we started playing this game.**

**TT: I thought you had defaced them ironically to mock your father's interests.**

**TT: John?**

**TT: ...?**

**EB: VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**EB: NICE JOKE**

**EB: GREAT JOKE THERE ROSE**

**EB: TOP OF THE LINE PRANK**

**EB: HE HE**

**EB: HA HA HA HA HA**

**TT: This is good.**

**TT: Laughter is probably the best way to avoid being especially melodramatic about the revelation.**

**EB: yes**

**EB: YES**

**EB: LET'S KEEP THIS JOKE GOING**

**EB: BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A GOOD ONE**

**EB: HA HA HA HA**

**EB: OH MY**

**EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA**

**EB: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA**

WV and Serenity stood atop the capsule. Slowly, WV turned. He figured that it was time for them to descend to the ground. Except… the loose cable he'd gathered up and tied together was not yet long enough to allow him to reach the ground safely, leading him to the sad but entirely true conclusion that he could not descend from the top of the mobile station.

He'd already used all the cable he could find. He would have to come up with another plan. Maybe he could sacrifice his mayoral…

ABSOLUTELY NOT WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY

A MAYOR DOES NOT RELINQUISH HIS MAYORAL SASH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER PERIOD

WHY DO YOU EVEN PUT US IN STUPID SITUATIONS AND THEN GIVE US STUPID SOLUTIONS FOR US TO FILTER THROUGH THATS SO STUPID

"Okay, sorry for even suggesting the idea," a voice mumbled. The orange fingers stopped moving across the keyboard momentarily, but then started back up again. The trudge called Homestuck continued. A drop of sweat was wiped from a forehead.

What about appearifying the temple? No, that was such a dumb idea WV was annoyed he'd even suggested it. Not as dumb as using his sash, but it came pretty close. The temple was way too big. He'd probably just end up appearifying a chunk of boring, useless rock.

Wait, what was that? There was something dangling from the top of one of the towers near the main temple. WV commanded Serenity to bring it back to him, whatever it was. What? How? Serenity was a tiny insect and could not possibly lift more than the weight of a pumpkin seed!

She did inform him, however, upon flying over there and coming back, of what the ledge contained through a series of informative blinks. There was an old rusty harpoon lodged into the crumbling rock. Tied to it was a jumble of handy cable. This struck WV as particularly convenient. It was almost as if someone had known that he would need a bunch of cable, and that he would have a mayoral sash made out of cable, and that he would be particularly attached to that mayoral sash and would stubbornly refuse to use it. Anyone who knew that much would surely possess a special gift! Alas, it seemed a bit far-fetched.

He decided to get ye rope using the Appearifier. Well, he'd already established that it was a cable and not a rope, but it was okay. He took a hasty swig from one of his delicious pawns and put it down on the SBURB logo button. He then quickly adjusted the coordinates to appearify the jumble of handy cable.

He pressed appearify. A blue package appeared on the triangley-fractaled platform. Uh… that wasn't a cable. Oh, of course! The time hadn't been set to the present moment. Somehow it had been reset to a few hundreds years ago. It appeared to be some sort of present from the past… in the present. On it was a sticker that read:

TO: GG

FROM: GT

There was also an envelope attached. It looked extremely important. It was addressed to a certain "Mister Mayor." Oh, that was him! He tore open the envelope. Inside was a letter and another envelope. This was all highly confusing and he did not know what to make of it. Still, it was obviously critical mayoral business which he took very seriously and he would defend this package with his life.

He set the time to the present and appearified the appearified the jumble of cables.

He proceeded to tie all the cable together and carefully lower his precious pumpkin bindle. He then rappelled down the station with the package, which must not leave his side. Serenity followed not far behind him.

Years in the future, which was to say the present moment precisely! As in the exact same time that WV climbed down from the mobile station. Someone watched the Mayor through a spyglass. This someone stood in the temple.

The mysterious carapacian in gray rags and the firefly were trespassing on his land. Wait, what was that? The figure with the spyglass looked past him at a star in the sky. Wait, it was daytime. How was there a star in the sky? Whatever it was, it was growing. He zoomed in closer to see a capsule with a green house logo on it, suspended by whirring helicopter blades. There was a hole in the side of it with smoke trailing out.

An Aimless Renegade prepared for company. He put the spyglass down and cocked his rifle.

It was time. He was ready.

**EB: ok, while i make some stuff here can you keep an eye out for imps?**

**EB: just keep the safe or tub handy or something.**

**EB: it'll serve them right for trashing my posters.**

**TT: I keep telling you the posters were always like that.**

**EB: AND I KEEP TELLING YOU HA HA VERY FUNNY**

**TT: Here, look.**

**TT:**** /O413nanna**

**TT:**** /O413weirdo**

**EB: yeah, i saw those, but...**

**EB: they didn't look like that before. you must have changed them.**

**TT: Even if I had the motive for such a bizarre and pointless deception, where would I find the time?**

**TT: I don't even have Photoshop.**

**EB: then why didn't you TELL me they were there?**

**TT: I had no reason to think you were not aware of them.**

**TT: I thought they were strange, certainly, but was not struck by any particular impulse to discuss them.**

**EB: ok, it still doesn't make sense though.**

**EB: implying that i drew them a while ago and then forgot and couldn't see them and now suddenly see them.**

**EB: that's stupid, what would that even mean.**


	22. Book 2 Chapter 6: Prognostication

Chapter 6: Prognostication

Rose built as much of the house as she could as fast as she could. Except it was starting to become unstable. Her mind moved to other topics.

**TT: It looks like you were in your father's room recently.**

**EB: yeah.**

**TT: And how did it make you feel to discover what was in there?**

**EB: oh no, i just realized!**

**EB: you are going to psycho-therapify me.**

**EB: well don't bother!**

**TT: Maybe I am just being a friend?**

**EB: maybe...**

**EB: /EYES SUSPSICIOSLY**

**EB: anyway i guess you saw what's in there, it's boring and there's not much to even see.**

**TT: That doesn't matter.**

**TT: What matters is how seeing it affected you.**

**TT: I think it clearly has in some way.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i don't know, at first i was nervous to go in and find more of his weird clowns, because of course they are stupid and i hate them a lot.**

**EB: but then when i didn't see any, it was weird.**

**EB: i felt weirdly, like... disappointed almost.**

**TT: Is it fair to say this changed your perception of your father?**

**EB: yeah, i guess.**

**TT: Is it such a stretch to conclude it changed your perception of other things as well?**

**EB: uh no, maybe not.**

**EB: but what are you getting at?**

**EB: it sounds like you're saying i'm crazy!**

**TT: I don't like to use the word "crazy".**

**EB: oh god.**

**EB: see? this is therapy bullshit!**

**TT: That was a joke.**

**TT: But anyway, whether it means you are crazy or not, consider this theory:**

**TT: Your presumably longstanding tendency for scrawling this imagery is really your subconsious trying to express something disturbing within you.**

**TT: Possibly something from your past, which you have blocked out.**

**TT: And since you have supressed it, your conscious self cannot acknowledge the drawings, therefore they have been invisible until now.**

**EB: why now?**

**TT: Perhaps because you have seen evidence that conflicts with the worldview your subconscious has constructed to obfuscate the truth.**

**TT: That your dad is not necessarily the clown-loving maniac you thought he was.**

**TT: All along, this negative attribute buried in your psyche may have been projected on to him, and subsequently reviled, as a sort of defense mechanism.**

**EB: but this is absurd, my dad LOVES these shitty clowns.**

**EB: he's got all these statues and paintings EVERYWHERE.**

**TT: Is it unthinkable that over the years it was he who believed you were the one with a passion for clowns? Because of the all the strange drawings in your room?**

**TT: A father then embraces a son's hobby to establish a stronger bond.**

**TT: Or wages a campaign of passive-aggresive mockery of your interests.**

**TT: Either is plausible. I don't know your dad that well.**

**EB: i dunno.**

**EB: not sure about all this.**

**EB: but i think we need to stop and acknowledge the bunny sassacre fedora i just made.**

**TT: It's awesome.**

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: wow, what are you doing by the way?**

**EB: rose, sorry to say but this is all looking kind of silly!**

**TT: I'm trying to spread the upward construction around so there is a more substantial foundation for later on.**

**TT: But I'm starting to wonder if it will be strong enough.**

**TT: It's kind of starting to wobble a little.**

**TT: I don't think brick chimneys were meant to serve this architectural purpose.**

**EB: yeah no shit!**

**TT: I might have to adopt a different building strategy.**

**TT: Stick to more load-bearing walls, and blockier shapes, especially since grist has been easier to come by lately.**

**EB: ok, but you really must be running low on time by now, right?**

**TT: Right.**

**EB: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!**

Dream Jade dreamed up another couple pairs of arms to play an advanced bass solo. Bec jammed out on the roof as Jade's dreambot played it in real life as well. The recorder picked it up and played it over the sound system, growing the flowers and pumpkins in the garden even larger.

The person with the orange hands got ready for the grand reveal that Dream Jade was actually on a planet called Prospit! And that Prospit orbited Skaia. Because Skaia was a planet and it always had been.

Wait for it… Dream Jade resided on a magical planet called Prospit and Prospit orbited Skaia because Skaia is a planet and both of the planets are really cool. Whoops. Just slipped into the present tense again there. Let's not do that thing that happened with real-life Jade again with Dream Jade. Okay? Got it. Let's shift back to past tense. Or rather, we shifted back to past tense. Okay. Time to continue.

Jade changed the wardrobifier to cycle through the star, heart, and horseshoe designs. Wait, what star, heart, and… STUPID, she lived on Prospit, remember? She wasn't in Kansas anymore! Or, actually, she wasn't on an island on Earth... but Kansas works… _worked_ for our purposes.

The orange hands cracked their knuckles again and the accompanying orange face let out a small sigh. It was time to sleep for Mr. Orange Guy.

Oh, wait, but that would be a conundrum, wouldn't it? Because then he'd have to introduce himself, and that would be breaking the fourth wall! Not that this right here isn't breaking the fourth wall… Anyway, he didn't want to introduce himself into the story. It just wouldn't be a smart idea. At all.

A little bottle of Five Hour Energy was poured into a waiting mouth. Knuckles were cracked once more. A sigh was let out once more. Time to get back to Homestuck. Now, where had he been?

Jade decided to leave the moon in the cycle, however, because she liked it.

Nah, that wasn't a good way to open again! He should have said that beforehand! Anyway, it was time to _actually_ begin. Enough false starts.

Dream Jade did leave the moon in the cycle, but she proceeded to leave her tower. It was made of pure gold. Below her lay the beautifully shiny golden planet of Prospit. She floated through the streets of the golden city.

Jade's dreambot flew down the tower as well, pausing above the ground.

Hey, look at those people down there! Dream Jade waved at the white carapacians in the city below and they waved back up at her. Above her was the other section of Prospit, the much smaller portion that was attached to the main planet via a long, thick chain. She floated up along the metal.

Dream Jade looked down into the gold of the city and saw another white carapacian. This one she recognized. Where from, though? The tall white carapacian looked up at her and blinked. Whether the blink was in recognition, surprise, or stupidity, Jade wasn't sure, but it dropped the mailbox it had been carrying.

The dreambot looked down and saw nothing but Bec sitting on one of the towers around the frog temple.

This tower was the exact same tower that had had the jumble of cables on it (or will have had, if you're confused about all this time-jumping craziness). Just beside it, PM stood in front of her capsule.

WV attempted to chew on the letter and envelope, but just then he realized he had company. See, that lady over there! He quickly read the letter to see if it said anything about this, and indeed it did. Half of the page was taken up by a drawing of PM standing in front of her capsule and near the tower mentioned in the last paragraph. It said "mister mayor, go here!" with an arrow pointing at PM. The next half showed WV giving the package to her. It read "give present! hooray! oh please do this, the freedom of your people depends on it! -3, your friend :)"

He wondered who "your friend :)" was. The only clue he had was that the letter was written in green ink.

The Mayor looked at the Mendicant and the Mendicant looked back at him. Except the Mayor's glare was friendly, whereas the Mendicant appeared frightened. Her hand reached for her sword.

Elsewhere, a hand reached for the trigger. And pulled it. An onslaught of bullets shot straight for WV, who did a strange dance in place to avoid them. And then he ducked for cover behind a short rock.

The Aimless Renegade turned his attention to the Mendicant and shot for her. One of the sentries offered her a mailbox, but it didn't seem time for that, seeing as how she was about to get shot. She hurried to the rock that WV was hiding behind and sat against it. The Renegade stopped shooting but kept his gun trained on the rock.

On the other side of it, WV slowly shifted over to the side where PM sat in short, inconspicuous movements. But of course the Mendicant noticed. She had been trained to notice. And she was in hypersense mode because of all the danger. Except instead of stabbing her or something, as PM had thought he would have done, he handed her a blue package with a letter addressed "to Miss Mail Lady!"

Jade gracefully flew up the chain, but instead of returning to her tower, she gracefully flew to the other tower that was built just like her own. She peeked through the window. The room itself, with its blue wallpaper, was very much the same as Jade's. The only difference was that her's had been built for a young girl, while this one had been built for a young boy.

John was of course, sound asleep in the Prospitian bed. It looked like he was having troubled dreams as usual. She could not disturb his slumber though. He'd wake up when he was ready.

The graffiti from the imps (or, as Rose had said, John in a mockery of his Dad) was still on the walls. The posters weren't there, but it made more sense now. An arrow pointing at him read "Lame kid."

Speaking of John, she wondered if he'd gotten the birthday present she'd sent him? Or for that matter, if she'd even remembered to send it. Darn! She got so confused sometimes. If only she had a system in place to remember things!

Dream Jade's moon was getting very close to Skaia. She had better go inside soon. It was never a good idea to be outside during the eclipse. Maybe she could take the opportunity to log onto her computer and ask John about his present. She just knew he would think it was awesome, and it would be a great way to thank him for the wonderful present he'd given her.

John decided to alchemize in a 1980's time-lapse montage. Well, actually, that would have been cool, and promote the appearance that a lot was getting done in not much time, but it sounded like a huge pain in the ass, and Mr. Orange Guy only had 5 hours of energy, so he decided to play it straight up this time. Except it was _still_ going to take a while. Because Mr. Orange Guy did not have a John Egbert in his mercykind strife specibus.

Rose had moved the Alchemiter back down to the balcony (it had previously been on the roof) while she reworked the building project up there. Just as well because it would save John a lot of legwork. Between this thing, the Designix, and the Lathe, there was a whole lot of scrambling around to do.

John recombined the hammer and the pogo ride, but this time, instead of overlapping the hole patterns and getting less holes (the &amp;&amp; method), he masked them and double punched a card with the holes from both cards (the | | method). The result was a hammerhead pogo ride. It didn't look like it was as much fun as the original ride, but to be fair it was probably a whole lot safer.

He &amp;&amp; combined the suit his Dad had gotten him and his green ghost slime shirt to produce the green slime ghost suit. It was pretty swanky, but he wasn't completely satisfied with his wardrobe upgrade just yet. He combined the new green slime ghost suit with Harry Anderson's _Wise Guy_ book to create the wise guy slime suit. It seemed as though there were a lot of secret trickstery gimmicks concealed in OH SHIT THERE WENT THE CARDS IN THE SLEEVES

He then &amp;&amp; combined his PDA and glasses to make the serious business goggles. It was a pretty nice hands-free communication solution, and it made him look way cooler, like one of those kids from _Spy Kids_ or something. God, that was a good movie! Real spies… only smaller!

What about combining _three_ cards? John | | combined the sledgehammer with the Sassacre text and also &amp;&amp; combined it with his telescope at the same time. He made the giant Telescopic Sassacrusher, at pretty considerable expense. This thing could probably have pounded an ogre into a crudeburger. Of course, he had no hope of lifting it whatsoever.

He then &amp;&amp; combined the box of gushers with a blob of blue ectoplasm, generously donated by Nannasprite and created a box of Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurism gushers, which had ghostly healing properties. The box had a picture of Nannaquin on it. This should be convenient, if somewhat unappetizing.

John &amp;&amp; combined a fake arm and blue ectoplasm and | | combined both with the PDA at the same time to produce the remote ghost gauntlet. He wore the metal gauntlet, which was perfectly synchronized with a floating ghost arm. He picked up the Telescopic Sassacrusher with the big slimy ghost hand.

He then &amp;&amp; combined the remote ghost gauntlet and the bathroom mirror to produce the left handed remote ghost gauntlet, which was just the mirror image of the other. Now he had a pair of slimy ghost hands at his control.

Next, he &amp;&amp; combined an umbrella and a straight razor to produce the barber's best friend. It could be used in his profession and when it rained! It suddenly seemed worthwhile to John to go nab that umbrellakind strife specibus that had been lying in the study for a while now.

He proceeded to &amp;&amp; combine the box of gushers with a can of Barbasol to produce a deadly Betty Crocker Barbasol bomb! He had to be careful with the thing! Jesus!

Enough of this nonsense. Mr. Orange Guy had begun to get a headache and he was only about half an hour through his energy reserve. He had to finish up.

Ok, that was about all that John had wanted to… Oh wait! He had a cool idea for something to do with his _Ghost Dad_ poster! But it looked he'd drawn shit all over that one too without realizing it. Lousy goddamn stupid subconscious! Anyway, he thought he had an idea about how to clean it up.

He grabbed a Heath Ledger Joker figurine and proceeded to alchemize. If he could somehow "subtract" the code of the joker figurine from the poster, it might work. Luckily, the figurine code only had two holes, making the task very simple. The defaced Cosby poster shared those holes. He determined that the defaced Cosby could only result from a double punching with the Joker, if his theory was correct. This meant that the original poster had had either one of those holes punched, or the other, or neither, making three total possibilities. John tried all three possibilities out, yielding a potted plant, a painting of a horse attacking a football player, and a clean Cosby poster. Success!

He then &amp;&amp; combined the Cosby poster with the computer to create the Cosbytop computer. This thing was probably a useless piece of shit, but making it had caused him to feel an alarming sense of satisfaction.

Okay. Good. That was quite enough for John to do, Mr. Orange Guy thought. He'd gotten the Cosbytop and all those useful and/or shitty items from before, so he was done.

Except for one more thing he wanted to do. His Dad's hat. He &amp;&amp; combined the fedora with his _Problem Sleuth_ game to make another ordinary fedora. With four pieces of candy corn inside.

Wait. One more thing to do with the _Problem Sleuth_ poster. He attempted to &amp;&amp; combine it with his hammer, but whatever this item was that he was trying to create, he couldn't make it yet. It required a ludicrous amount of grist, some types of which he hadn't even encountered yet.

Well then… he still wanted to upgrade his weapon, so he combined the pogo hammer with an iron to make… the WRINKLEFUCKER!

Yes. So much sweet loot. He'd almost have thought it was simultaneously his birthday &amp;&amp; Christmas | | something. But of course he knew that that was ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of the… never mind. John turned but saw nothing.

"Final Round, Bro!" Bro Strider called. It's now or never! A bunch of crows were lined up on the rooftop of Dave's apartment building. The Striders faced each other, fierce concentration upon both of their faces. They where doing it. They where making it hapen.

**STRIFE!**

Dave adjusted his glasses. Bro adjusted his as well, perhaps in an ironic mockery. Or maybe he'd just needed to adjust them. Lil' Cal popped in between them momentarily and then disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

And then they sprinted towards each other and leaped into the air. Lil' Call fell between them again and as they slashed at each other, Dave's sword was sliced through by his Bro's and Lil' Cal was cut into pieces. His sword! What a cheap piece of shit.

Dave flew backwards through the air and landed with an audible thud against the ground. The pieces of his sword and Lil' Cal fell all around him. The SBURB Beta envelopes floated down onto Dave's chest and Bro absconded from the scene on his rocket skateboard. The crows on the roof remained where they were. Fucking birds. He tried to shoo them away but they wouldn't leave.

Ow. He hurt all over. He got his phone out and pestered John.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

**TG: bro just kicked my ass**

**TG: thats really all there is to say on the matter**

Finally, Prospit reached Skaia and the eclipse began. Clouds displayed images of squiddles, John, space, and various other things that were of relevance to Jade. When she looked out her window, she was faced with all the memories of past, present, and near future events, which explained her prognosticative abilities.

Dream Jade/Jade's dreambot sat in her room while this commotion happened and pestered John.

**\- gardenGnostic [****GG****] began pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] at 13:25 -**

**GG: john did you get my package?**

**EB: oh hey!**

**EB: no, not yet.**

**GG: darn! are you sure? it was in a green box...**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.**

**EB: he should be back soon.**

**GG: great! so what are you up to today?**

**EB: i am up to my neck in this sburb stuff.**

**EB: TT is making a royal mess of my house.**

**GG: lol!**

**GG: whats sburb?**

**EB: oh, it is this game.**

**EB: it's ok i guess. i'm still figuring it out.**

In the meantime, Prospit passed through the memory of the creation of the crater next to her volcano. A meteor fell out of a Skaian gate once more and crashed into the craggy landscape.

**GG: whoa what was that?**

**EB: what was what?**

**GG: there was a loud noise outside my house!**

**GG: it sounded like an explosion!**

**EB: wow, really?**

**GG: i will go outside and look...**

**EB: oh man, alright but be careful, ok?**

**GG: i will! :)**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

Outside, a dog guardian rose from the lava that was produced as the volcano erupted into the crater. Dream Jade went outside to investigate the crash and saw an odd floating white orb in the center of the lava. What was that? However, when she attempted to approach it, though, Bec the dog guardian blocked her way. Damn it.

Jade's dreambot made its way outside too and attempted to enter the frog temple in the center of the crater lake, but Bec blocked its way.

**\- gardenGnostic [****GG****] began pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] -**

**GG: im back!**

**EB: oh hi!**

**GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard**

**EB: was it by any chance a meteor?**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: how did you know?**

**EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!**

**EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?**

**GG: no i am fine!**

**GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it**

**GG: and its pretty big!**

**GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it**

**GG: so i came home**

**GG: he seems to think its dangerous!**

**EB: well gosh, he's probably right!**

**GG: anyway what have you been up to john?**

**GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O**

**EB: er...**

**EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.**

**GG: oh no!**

**EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.**

**EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.**

**GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!**

**EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.**

**EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.**

**EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!**

**GG: O_O**

**GG: well...**

**GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...**

**GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!**

**GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny**

**GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!**

**EB: wow, you think so?**

**GG: yes!**

**EB: well ok, BUT.**

**EB: it's not even that simple!**

**EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.**

**EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!**

**EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!**

**EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.**

**GG: hahaha**

**GG: he is so silly!**

**EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.**

At about that time, John went to sleep on the bed under the gate. Jade, who had been sitting atop her Prospitian tower, looked over to see John out of his bed, floating in midair. What? Jade flew over to him and John blinked once, opening his eyes to a squint.

John saw clouds rushing by him. His Dad's fedora, a box of fruit gushers, and then… was that a girl?

Both of the kids sat up in their real life beds suddenly. Jade picked up her computer and pestered John again. John sat at the end of the bed and answered her. An imp gnawed on the bed.

**\- gardenGnostic [****GG****] began pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] -**

**GG: hey!**

**EB: whoa, there you are!**

**GG: how is your adventure going john?**

**EB: it's ok, i am making some progress, and rose finally connected again so she is helping me now.**

**GG: thats good!**

**EB: oh but, like...**

**EB: i don't think i am actually saving the world here. :(**

**EB: i dunno what i'm really accomplishing but i guess it's not that.**

**GG: hmm well i think whatever it is it must be pretty important!**

**GG: dont lose hope john i think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive...**

**GG: just keep listening to your grandmothers advice!**

**EB: yeah, you're probably right.**

**EB: but, um...**

**EB: i don't think i mentioned nanna to you, did i?**

**GG: oh uhhh...**

**GG: i dont know didnt you?**

**EB: hmm, i dunno, maybe you talked rose or dave about it or something.**

**GG: yeah maybe that was it!**

**EB: they're really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying convince me you have some spooky powers, but i'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!**

**GG: heheheh :D**

**EB: but then when i think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?**

**EB: like maybe you know more about a thing than you are telling me? i dunno.**

**GG: oh well john**

**GG: i want to explain lots of things to you...**

**GG: some things that i know**

**GG: im just...**

**GG: waiting!**

**EB: waiting for what!**

**GG: oh! john!**

**GG: i forgot i was messaging you about that meteor that fell near my house!**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**EB: what ever happened with that?**

**GG: oh boy... well...**

**GG: it turns out i was confused about it...**

**GG: really confused! o_o;**

**GG: see i guess i fell asleep for a while and...**

**GG: lost track of time**

**GG: that happens!**

**EB: yeah i know, tell me about it!**

**EB: maybe you should like, wear an alarm clock or something.**

**EB: so what was the deal with the meteor?**

**GG: well...**

**GG: its hard to explain!**

**GG: but...**

**GG: i know what it is now!**

**GG: and now i know everythings going to be ok!**

**EB: so what is it?**

**EB: or is this just another thing you're "waiting" to tell me?**

**GG: oh gosh john i really want to tell you all this stuff!**

**GG: but i cant yet**

**GG: i really think you need to wake up first!**

**EB: huh?**

**GG: well ok not literally**

**GG: well ok maybe KINDA literally!**

**EB: AUGH!**

**EB: stop being so confusing!**

**GG: lol :)**

**GG: anyway time for you to go john**

**GG: i think you have some company!**

**GG: 3**

And then, suddenly, a large hand arrived on the roof. It was the hand of a crude ogre. But we've seen this all before, anyway. At least it makes more sense now. Mr. Orange Guy shook his head in disapproval. That entire section had been confusing. Basically, in recap, Dream Jade's world, the golden planet Prospit, passed through the memory of the formation of real-life Jade's island. Dream Jade heard the explosion and she (as well as the dreambot, because they were perfectly aligned in everything they did) went to investigate. On Prospit and/or the memory thing, there was some kind of white orb that Bec blocked her from getting to both there and in real life. Dream Jade returned to find that John had woken up (kind of) and when she approached him, they both woke up. Then John fought the crude ogres on the roof and won and did all that crappy alchemization we just saw.

Wow. Mr. Orange Guy shook his head. Only an hour into his energy reserve and he was already getting tired. And that was a freaking _long_ chapter. Come on, seriously? Okay, next chapter. He cracked his knuckles and got back to writing.


	23. Book 2 Chapter 7: Of Gifts and Trolls

Chapter 7: Of Gifts and Trolls

Jade took a moment to gather her thoughts after that dream. While she was asleep it could get really confusing figuring out what was really happening and what wasn't. Especially during the eclipse, when she was exposed to many vision of the past, present, and future through a variety of cloud mirages. It was only after she woke up that she was ever able to make sense of it all, and her reminders helped her to do this.

But in reflection, there hadn't been much in this dream about the future. She was quite surprised that she'd seen her dog in the dream though. It was the first time the crafty guardian had ever appeared in one! She had learned that today was his birthday, just like it was for her other best friend (or at least, the day he'd risen out of lava and explored the world of the living for the first time). She had always wondered about this and had never had the chance to throw him a party and bake him a cake. Now she could! But if she did, it seemed she'd need a lot of candles!

Bec had never allowed Jade to enter the mystic ruins for reasons she didn't understand. She'd always assumed it was on account of her protection. But her dream had strongly suggested to her that that was where she needed to go now! Since her dreambot was secured in its chamber and did not need to be looked after, Bec was taking a nap in the grand foyer as he usually did. Perhaps she could take advantage of this and sneak out of the house another way?

And… yes, of course! One of her reminders reminded her that she still had a package to deliver too. She grabbed her harpoon gun. This way she could kill two birds with one harpoon.

She shot a harpoon out the window and latched it onto one of the stone towers. She grabbed a zipline hanger and slid down the rope to the tower. She'd never disobeyed Bec this directly before! It was time to see what was in that frog.

While John had been messing around with his alchemization, Rose had been building the house up. Finally, she had finished. The final house was a good nine or ten stories high. Architectural perfection.

"Oh god. Cal! Speak to me, little dude!" Dave cried. "If I had any more apple juice, I would pour some out for you." To himself he added, "I'll have to make sure to double-check my closet for some more."

The more pressing issue was to get a _goddamn new sword!_ Well, he'd have to break it in half first before using it. "Perfectly good strife specibus, down the toilet," he muttered. "Thanks Bro." It was no longer bladekind, but rather 1/2bladekind.

He tried to grab the Beta but then remembered that his sylladex was completely backed. He wondered why he'd jammed all this useless crap in there in the first place. Maybe he'd assumed he'd weaponize it during one of his customary hashmap battles with his Bro, but in retrospect that probably just would have been a huge chore and would have made the battle drag on forever. It's like what was he made of time?

He hit the eject button, dumping all the crap in his sylladex out onto the roof. He then set his modus to the scrabble hash function for some reason. This function always made it a little less intuitive to calculate hash value for items with and therefore, more cumbersome to rap with. But he guessed that was kind of a moot point now that his Bro had flown off to fuck knew where. His mysterious ways transcended irony yet again.

He took the BETA (3+1+1+1 = 6), now yielding a radically different value with the Scrabble function. Which was to say a radically exactly the same value. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the air conditioning vent, but Dave didn't notice. He was too busy pestering Rose.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**TG: ok i got it**

**TG: i hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis i had to fellate to get this game**

**TG: hello**

**TG: what are you doing**

**TG: anyway im going down stairs now and installing this thing**

**TG: later**

Rose stood on her bed, looking out at the fire. She'd finally finished her building project. She'd done about all she could have done for John. She didn't think she could provide much assistance against all those ogres this time, but at least now John appeared to be armed to the teeth. Very literally. Candy corn vampire teeth. All there was to do now was wait for Dave.

It was suggested by Mr. Orange Guy that she should captchalogue and send John's birthday gift to him, but while that would've hastened the parcel's delivery, the gift was not finished yet! She had spent months accelerating her knitting skills to be able to make the gift of perfect sentimental appeal. She'd even incorporated a cherished heirloom she'd had for as long as she could remember. When John saw her staggering gesture of sentimentality, he would finally understand. He would understand that in the game of facetious sentimental gestures, no one got the best of Rose Lalonde.

Months before, the same girl stood in the same position in the same room with an open blue package on the floor and a letter in hand. The letter read:

**dear rose,**

**happy birthday!**

**thanks for being such a great friend all these years. i know you like to make it out like you're playing it cool and don't care much about the people in your life, but i know deep down you really do. hell, not even that deep down. it's like, um, like your subconscious is having a wet t-shirt contest, and you being all aloof is this totally soggy shirt doing no good at all at hiding nothin'. oh wait, it looks like two can play at this game of cracking all these high falutin psychology books! AW SNAP!**

**but yeah, i got you this because i think you're really creative and you could make something nice with it if you put your mind to it. and it might help you take your mind off a lot of all this serious business you're always absorbed in. you know, all this weirdo pseudo-gothy stuff or whatever. frankly it's kind of depressing.**

**anyway you're the best rose! have a rad 13th! (i will catch up with you guys soon. god you're all so old.)**

**~ghostyTrickster**

**(john)**

Still in the past, Rose looked over at her computer, which was flashing. Oh god. It was one of those darned trolls again. She hopped on her computer and saw that she was being pestered by "grimAuxiliatrix". Wonderful.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable**

**GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand**

**GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity**

**GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case**

**GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian**

**GA: But No**

**GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings**

**GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge**

**TT: Have we spoken before?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: In The Future**

**TT: You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions.**

**GA: Oh My It Is Your Human Sarcasm Again**

**GA: I Enjoy Listening To It And I Wish Doing So Could Serve As My Primary Form Of Recreation**

**GA: There See I Just Did It Too**

**GA: Saying The Opposite Thing To Emphasize My Contempt**

**GA: But Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More**

**GA: It Was Like This Funny Miracle That Just Happened In My Heart**

**TT: I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction.**

**TT: But I won't be rude and change the subject.**

**TT: There's a still a bit of unflagellated straw poking out of your rhetorical effigy over here.**

**GA: Oh Dear**

**GA: No We Arent From "The Future"**

**GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will**

**TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future.**

**GA: We Did**

**GA: Your Future**

**GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago**

**TT: I understand.**

**TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline.**

**TT: It's not that complicated.**

**GA: Yes Thats Right**

**GA: Will You Try To Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot Friends**

**GA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms**

**TT: I try to every day, with mixed results.**

**TT: But you see, it's not that I don't understand you.**

**TT: It's just that I don't believe you.**

**TT: Because it's nonsense.**

**TT: Albeit persistent and coordinated nonsense.**

**TT: Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time?**

**GA: I Will Admit This Campaign Of Provocation Wasnt All That Well Thought Out**

**GA: Dont Tell Anyone I Said That**

**TT: Alright.**

**TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.**

**TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.**

**GA: Yeah Maybe**

**GA: Why Dont We Be Friends**

**TT: You want to be my friend?**

**GA: I Think So**

**GA: I Think Were Supposed To**

**GA: You Suggested As Much Earlier**

**TT: You mean I did in the future?**

**GA: Yes A Couple Minutes Ago**

**TT: Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now?**

**GA: Thats Likely**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing.**

**TT: What choice do I have but to accept?**

Next to Rose's computer sat the blue package. At around the same time, another blue package sat on another desk. It was raining at Dave's apartment building. He looked through his Bro-like triangular glasses at the letter before him.

**dear dave,**

**happy birthday!**

**i just wanted to take a break from telling you how much your gay butt stinks all the time and say what an awesome friend you are. seriously, on any other day i would be downplaying how you aren't really as cool as you think you are, but just between you and me i think you might actually be that cool. i think you just gotta get out of your bro's shadow and spread your wings dude!**

**so i got you these. they're totally authentic! they actually touched ben stiller's weird, sort of gaunt face at some point. i'm sure you'll dig them because i know you lolled so hard at that movie. ok so for real, this is sort of a shitty present, but it is an ironic present because i know you wouldn't have it any other way. maybe you can wear them ironically some time. they MIGHT even be more ironic than you and your bro's dumb pointy anime shades.**

**anyway, have a good one buddy! and stay busy being totally sweet!**

**~ghostyTrickster**

**(john)**

He wore the new, round glasses and set the triangular ones next to the blue package, discarded as they should have been. Oh wonderful, another one of those trolls. This one was called "adiosToreador". What was their problem anyway?

**\- adiosToreador ** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **-**

**AT: hEYYY,**

**AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE AWFUL,**

**AT: lET'S PUT THAT FACT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT,**

**AT: nOW YOU HAVE BEEN PRIMED FOR THE DIGESTIVE RUINATION THAT'S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE, aND THE COMPREHENSIVE SOILING OF THE LAUNDRY ENVELOPING YOUR PERSON,**

**TG: oh my god you type like a tool**

**AT: yEAHHH,**

**AT: nOW YOU'RE GETTING IT, wHAT YOU ARE IN FOR,**

**AT: aRE YOU READY TO BE TROLLLLLED,**

**AT: wITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR MISERABLE HUMAN CORTEX,**

**TG: this is so weak im almost getting tired of wasting good material on you guys**

**TG: its like**

**TG: youve got nothing**

**TG: its always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard im about to get trolled**

**TG: with no ensuing substance**

**TG: you dont even know anything about us**

**TG: one of you fuckers thought i was a girl**

**AT: oK, yEAH, bUT,**

**AT: tHE THING IS, tHAT i DON'T CARE,**

**AT: aBOUT YOUR ANATOMICAL DETAILS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT,**

**AT: i KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE,**

**AT: oR WILL DO, aCTUALLY,**

**AT: iT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING, tHE WORST YOU CAN EVER DO,**

**TG: sorry i wouldnt cyber with you dude**

**TG: in the future or whatever**

**AT: wHAT, wAIT,**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: oK, yOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIKES TO SUBMIT INNUENDO,**

**TG: human innuendo**

**AT: yES, hUMAN iNNUENDO,**

**AT: sORRY FOR THE LACK OF CLARITY,**

**TG: so at what point in the future am i supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankerin for my knob**

**AT: uH,**

**TG: be honest with me**

**TG: cause im busy**

**TG: and i want to know exactly when i got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon**

**AT: sHOULD i BE PERTURBED BY THESE ALLUSIONS,**

**TG: no man**

**TG: look**

**TG: i just need to know when to be there**

**TG: when the stars come into alignment and your flux capacitor lets you finally sate your meteoric greed for crotch-dachshund**

**TG: i wouldnt want to miss it and cause a paradox or something**

**TG: itd suck if the universe blew up on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise**

**AT: uHHH,**

**AT: oK, THIS IS SORT OF STARTING TO UPSET ME,**

**TG: jesus you are such a shitty troll**

**AT: i GUESS i'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,**

**AT: aND FIND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU,**

**AT: wHEN, i GUESS,**

**AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE, aND DON'T HAVE ALL THESE BEES IN YOUR BONNET,**

**AT: aBOUT YOUR HUMAN SEXUALITY,**

**TG: oh no**

**TG: no dude**

**TG: you sassed me up**

**TG: we are in THE SHIT now**

**TG: together**

**TG: for the long haul**

**AT: i,**

**AT: wHAT,**

**TG: we're motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch**

**TG: you and me**

**TG: welcome to nam**

**TG: now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before charlie gets the fuckin drop**

**AT: uHHH, wHO,**

**AT: wHO'S CHARLIE,**

**TG: hes the guy whos gonna read our vows**

**TG: im feeling pretty friggin MATRIMONIAL all a sudden**

**TG: take a look down by your foot see that little bottle**

**TG: stomp on that shit like its on fire**

**TG: noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs til someone gets hurt**

**TG: im your 300 pound matronly freight-train**

**TG: and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling**

**AT: oH MY GOD,**

**TG: bro look in my eyes**

**TG: that twinkle**

**TG: that be DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestlers sweaty purple taint**

**TG: sparklin like a visit from your fairy fuckin godmother**

**TG: shit be PURE AND TRUE**

**TG: thats what you see**

**TG: a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin together**

**TG: radially effevescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine**

**TG: turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong**

**TG: this is how we do this**

**TG: this shits more real than kraft mayo**

**\- adiosToreador ** **blocked turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **-**


	24. Book 2 Chapter 8: The Aimless Renegade

Chapter 8: The Aimless Renegade

The Aimless Renegade, AR for short (because Mr. Orange Guy is kind of lazy), stood inside the frog temple in the future. He'd identified a couple of unwelcome rogues outside his present stronghold. They were in violation of his jurisdiction. Despite his ordinarily striking marksmanship, he'd spent his entire ammo clip without recording a single killshot. Suddenly, he realized that his gun was magazine-fed, not clip-fed. But he didn't give a shit about that.

He turned and examine the wall, upon which were drawn a number of rows of ancient hieroglyphs depicting an array of amphibious and reptilian life forms. It was illegal pictography. It made him angry.

AR went and searched for ammo. There was plenty of it stored in the various ammo crates which he'd spent a great deal of time unearthing from nearby dunes and hauling back to his stronghold. He had a large variety of weaponry and ammunition at his disposal. Whether he could locate some more AK47 rounds quickly enough was a different matter altogether.

He retrieved a pair of deadly side arms. But he would need a longer-ranged weapon if he was to continue his enforcement. He delved deeper into the temple to try to find a rocket launcher. Here was one. It sat on top of a crate with a blue pictograph on the side. Illegal, probably. It was of a safari hat and a mustachioed mouth.

It was time to kill. But… he wondered if he should reconsider his grievance with the offenders. Perhaps he should let it slide. They seemed friendly enough, and it had been years since he'd had company. It would also have been quite the pity to blow up that tall, attractive female. But then again…

He looked out over the dunes. They were obviously hiding behind the rock. The female's hood and hat were visible above it. They were both in flagrant violation, trespassing through several zones which he had painstakingly marked as off-limits while he conducted his investigation of this crime scene. It was his duty to investigate this illegal monument and get to the bottom of its illicit amphibious idolatry. Just thinking about all the sloppy footprints that PM and WV were leaving in the sand made his carapace steam.

The law was all that was left to hold on to in this unforgiving dust bowl. He could not afford to loosen his black claw's grip lest justice slip through his fingers. Law was beauty. Judgement was the very basis for all that was pure and… wait. Hold that thought. He needed to take a moment to wear something ridiculous before he continued his spiel. He placed a bunch of bullets in rows and dragged a crate in front of them. He wrote judge on it and took another small dynamite box, filled it with more bullets, and wrote jury on it. He then placed a large clip of ammunition on his head and banged a metal thing on a screwdriver against the crate.

"**ORDER IN THE COURT. I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS COURTROOM. IF EVERYONE DOES NOT SETTLE DOWN I WILL CLEAR OUT THIS COURTROOM, I SWEAR TO GOD.**"

AR examined the moving platform behind him, which appeared to be a large stage serving as some kind of elevator. But it couldn't go down because there was something jammed in it. It looked like a peculiar guitar, probably centuries old. But yeah, the jury agreed. He had to go blow up those trespassers.

Jade put John's present down in the right spot along with the double-layered letter she'd prepared a little while ago after a particularly interesting series of dreams. Should be any minute now… Suddenly, the present disappeared. It had been appearified to WV's time. Jade then shot the line with her rifle, snapping the cord in half. It fell in a jumble on the tower.

Okay, she'd set up the time bait. It was out of her hands now.

She looked over at the giant frog temple rising out of the water. She guessed she could swim, but maybe she could think of a better way across.

PM read the letter. It was kind of confusing. The top read "dear Miss Mail Lady, go here!" There was an arrow pointing to a hole in the left side of her capsule with the SBURB logo on it. A broken pillar was smoking next to it in the drawing.

Well, she guessed it was straightforward enough, even if the drawing was somewhat inaccurate. But still, there was only one hole in her capsule, and that was on the right. The drawing showed two. And the pillar in real life wasn't broken, but it was in the picture.

Hold that thought. The pillar collapsed as AR hit it with the rocket launcher. It landed not too far from WV's console. Oh no!

AR hit himself in the head with his makeshift gavel. Stupid, stupid stupid! He'd had them right in his crosshairs. He had no idea how a crack shot like that could have missed. It was practically inconceivable.

It was time to be the law. He reloaded and took aim, pointing straight at PM. That fair carapace… how it sparkled in the desert light. No! He could not afford to be distracted by such thoughts. He was too busy being the law. HE WAS THE LAW WHOOPS!

He aimed to far to the left and exploded a hole in the left of PM's capsule. Yes, now Jade's drawing was accurate.

WV stepped out from behind the rock and waved about in a distracting manner. AR sighed. It was this guy again and his little blinking bee. So outrageous. WV lobbed a can of Tab towards the temple. AR watched it as it fell just short of the temple. So what was the point of…

**THE CAN RUSE WAS A… DISTACTION**

Mr. Orange Guy slapped himself on the head. Only two hours in and he was randomly quoting SBAHJ. Seriously? How would WV have known about Dave's shitty webcomic?

However, the distraction was enough to allow PM to get into her capsule. The Peregrine Mendicant HADD the cargo!

WV continued to dance around. AR took aim at him… and shot the rocket straight into WV's capsule. The Mayor was thrown backwards.

In the meantime, inside the capsule, the Mail Lady looked at the next step of the letter. At the bottom of the letter was a series of coordinates along with further instructions. She knew what she had to do. She placed the blue package on a triangley fractal platform to the side of the room. Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection.

She pressed the large blue button on a console and sendificated the package into the past.

Many years ago in the same locale, a butterfly flew gracefully in the wind. And then it died as Grandpa Harley shot it with a rocket gun, creating a large blast. A huge swath of land began to smoke from the burned grass.

Nearby, a young Jade Harley with a green birthday hat sat atop Becquerel. Today was her birthday. Her grandfather had decided to celebrate by introducing her to the thrill of the hunt. But suddenly she and Bec wandered off. Where was the silly dog taking her?

Bec stopped at the top of a hill and young Jade dismounted. Neither of them noticed a mysterious hand sticking out of a blue portal in the sky. Suddenly, a present appeared magically! She opened it to find a shirt that was way too big for her, and… pumpkin seeds? There was also a letter.

**dear jade,**

**happy birthday!**

**it's hard to thank you enough for your friendship over the years. heck, if it weren't for you i wouldn't even have met rose and dave, so that is like, THREE TIMES the friendship! that is almost like, TOO MUCH FRIENDSHIP. ha ha. i only wish i could get you something for your birthday that could remotely make up for what you've given me, but of course that's impossible. so here are a couple silly things anyway!**

**i went to a weird asian store the other day and saw this rad shirt, so i got it and i'm wearing it now! but there was a blue one too which was way more awesome, and i wanted you to have it. i know you like green a lot, but maybe you'd like to try wearing blue sometimes? i bet you'd look like a million bucks! also i know you've been frustrated lately about how your pumpkins keep disappearing. well, i can't begin to explain why that's happening! all i can do is give you these so you can plant some more. don't give up, jade! wherever those dumb old pumpkins went off to, i'm sure you know the fun is in growing them and taking care of them until they're ready!**

**whew, got to head out to the post office now so this doesn't get to you TOO late! talk to you soon!**

**~ghostyTrickster**

**(john)**

Who was this John claiming to be Jade's friend? And these other friends he mentioned? Whoever he was, she thought he might have been on to something. Blue was a very pretty color! Also, growing pumpkins sounded like it could be fun. Maybe she'd ask her Grandpa if she could use the atrium to do some gardening. This would be exciting.

WHOP!

Jack Noir bore the vicious brunt of this story transition directly in the face. He was getting really tired of this feisty man and his busy fists. It was time to kill him once and for all. He held out a knife. "Here, stick this in your pipe and bleed to death slowly, old man!" he yelled.

John's Dad took out a lighter and quickly set fire to Jack's hat. Jack shoved it off of his head and watched as John's Dad sprayed shaving cream all over the hat and stomped the fire out.

"Thank you for destroying that horrendous jester hat," Jack snarled. He pointed in the direction of the exit. "You are now free to go."

Jade of the present played her guitar in an attempt to summon giant lily pads to cross the lake. The lily pads were summoned and she hopped across them like some kind of frog.

She climbed the ladder and peered into the temple. What the…

**TG: alright im installing this game finally**

**TT: Where doing this man?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: you could almost say**

**TG: where making this**

**TT: Go on.**

**TT: What is it where making this?**

**TG: TRANSPIRE**

**TG: **

**TT: Excellent.**

**TT: Let's make shit take place.**

Rose pressed the enter button and the spirographs came up on the screen. The song that Rose had heard before when installing the server client with John played. It was, according to the GameFaq walkthroughs, called Sburban Jungle. It wasn't that bad a song.

Dave popped open a bottle of apple juice and leaned back in his chair. He took a sip and watched the loading screen, his glasses reflecting all the colors and shapes he saw.

At about the same point in time, Jade entered the temple. What were all these pictographs of crocodiles supposed to be for? She walked to the middle and an elevator took her down a floor. She stepped off the elevator as it arrived, a giant closed lotus bloom in front of her, closed.

The screen finished loading and Dave rushed through the process, throwing Rose's bed into the burning forest and installing the Totem Lathe instead. He placed the Cruxtruder in the Observatory.

"Was throwing my bed away really necessary?" Rose muttered.

The countdown on the bloom in front of Jade was down to 4 minutes. 4:13, 4:12, 4:11… Jade had a sudden fit of narcolepsy.

Dave proceeded to place the Alchemiter on her roof. "STRIIIIIIIIIIDER!" She yelled. Dave created a door in the observatory and some stairs down to the roof for Rose to navigate to the Alchemiter. He then grabbed Zazzerpan the Learned from the living room and used it to knock the top of the Cruxtruder off. He dropped Zazzerpan outside, one of his arms breaking off in the process.

A red tornado with electricity crackling around it appeared outside. Rose took the cruxite and carved the totem. She prototyped Jaspers with the kernelsprite. She took the totem to the Alchemiter and produced a bottle of wine or something, but the tornado flung Zazzerpan's arm over the roof and knocked the bottle into the river. Oh no.

Dave couldn't do anything. His room was suddenly infested with crows for some stupid reason, so Rose leaped towards the bottle. She caught it and was pulled up by Jaspersprite, who magically had tentacle arms. What? Oh, Dave had tier two prototyped Jaspersprite with the eldritch princess.

Rose took a sip from the bottle and grimaced. It was certainly alcohol. It was disgusting. How could her mother stand to drink this stuff?

Jade sat up as the lotus bloom reached the end of its countdown. It opened at the same time that Rose entered The Medium, revealing Dave's juice-stained copies of the Beta.

At about the same time, John used the wrinklefucker and Telescopic Sassacrusher to climb to the top of his house, collect unfathomable amounts of grist, and reach the gate. He leaped through it.

Down below, Nannasprite burned the message from the end of Book 1 of this story that you're reading into the old Sassacre text with her laser vision and dropped it into the void.

And then Mr. Orange Guy miraculously revealed that there was a planet below the void where John had been in The Medium. A planet that looked suspiciously like one of the planets that WV had drawn as the background for Can Town. Hmm… was Mr. Orange Guy just being lazy, or was WV a mystic? Probably the former, because the silly creature wrapped up in dusty gray sheets and wearing a sash that said "Mayo" with a "r" at the end probably wasn't wise or mystical in any way whatsoever.

Yup, Mr. Orange Guy had just had all that action take place in 13 two-line paragraphs. Well, pretty much. That was just laziness right there. Or fatigue. Or haste. Probably all three of them in conjunction. He was halfway through his energy reserve, so he needed to finish writing Homestuck quickly. Very quickly!


	25. Book 2 Chapter 9: Intermission Part 1

Chapter 9: Intermission Part 1

The curtain closed on John, Rose, Dave, and Jade, and something happened. The sun and moon switched again, a purple background appeared, and so did some sort of green mansion.

Spades Slick stood just inside the main entrance of the mansion. He was the leader of a notoriously vicious gang of mobsters known as the Midnight Crew. A rival gang known as The Felt had recently knocked over one of his favorite casinos. His long quest of revenge had finally taken him through the front door of mansion belonging to The Felt's loathsome boss, Lord English.

Spades Slick's subordinates (Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars) had all been dispatched to various locations throughout the mansion to begin carrying out his mission. His objective was to locate and crack English's secret vault, and plunder its mysteries. That was the business end of it, at least. The pleasure would be painting this ugly house red with the blood of those miserable green motherfuckers.

He looked at the timekeeping devices. Stupid gang and their lousy obsession with clocks. The sooner all these idiots stopped being alive the better. He wondered where they were. It was awfully quiet in the mansion, sans all the dreadful ticking. Slick kicked a carriage clock by his foot.

Next, SS (short for Spades Slick, of course) attempted to captchalogue the carriage clock, but he obviously had no idea what that meant. If it was some smartass way of saying to pick it up, forget it. His item slot was already full with his trusty deck of cards. In terms of weapons, the five slots he had were already full as well. He had an idea that was so much better.

He knocked the clocks over and set them on fire.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 4/1000

SS checked under the rug for any possible traps. But what was under the rug was much worse than any trap he could possibly imagine. It was a member of a species that he did not recognize, with a ghastly furry upper lip. He covered the unsightly individual back up and tried to forget it had ever existed.

He decided to play 52 pickup, but he would have needed a deck of cards to play that infernal game. And all he had in this inventory was this war chest, which he deployed on the floor and opened. He rummaged around inside. It was no unusual assortment of belongings, and nothing any mobster worth his salt would be caught plotting and scheming without. Certainly nothing eyebrow raising. Also his vendetta itinerary and heist map.

SS scavenged the war chest for fancy headwear. If there were any elaborate hats in here, he'd eat his haberdasher. But of course there was only a plain and serviceable backup hat identical to the one he was presently wearing, which naturally concealed two licorice scotty dogs. How did he know that he was presently wearing his backup hat and the one he had in his hand was his normal one? He froze where he was, not that he'd been moving in the first place.

Anyway, he attempted to hide inside his chest, but he clearly could not hide properly inside his chest because he could not close it while he was inside. Instead he momentarily pretended it was a really cool automobile that commanded the fear and respect of larcenous adversaries everywhere. BEEP BEEP BEEP! All aboard the idiot wagon!

He wondered if he should check the Crosbytop. At least turn it on. Oh, was that what this thing was? He'd had it for a while, but he didn't quite remember how he'd gotten it. He'd never known the identity of the pipe-smoking creature. Perhaps it could have been the same species as the character he'd just seen under the rug. But he knew that was impossible, because this one did not feature the same bizarre furred lip. They were probably differing species within the same genus.

He turned it on and went on to and spent a few hours reading Homestuck. He watched as John made his way up to the first gate and growled. He'd just wasted a lot of his time reading something that was for little children who pooped hard in their baby ass diapers. Also he didn't understand what the hell was going on or who all these characters were. It was all a lot of nonsense.

He stabbed the time setting on the Crosbytop, destroying it. It had once been 4:13 AM. It was now 0:00 AM.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 5/1000

SS picked up the black spade key from the ground and inspected it. It was a rules card for blackjack. He'd possessed this item for as long as he could remember. He did not yet know its significance, but he could hustle up a mean game of blackjack when he needed to.

He next examined the vendetta itinerary. Upon it were mugshot of everyone he was going to kill. He'd gotten a head start, already having offed Crowbar (**7**), Matchsticks (**11**), and Quarters (**14**), depleting the gang of some its muscle. He still had to watch out for the others, though, and stay wary of their despicable time shenanigans.

Itchy (**1**) had given The Midnight Crew the slip repeatedly. Doze (**2**) he'd captured and interrogated just as repeatedly, to no avail. Trace (**3**) had broken into their secret hideout more times than he could count, while Fin (**5**) always seemed to be a step ahead of them and scooped their heists. Clover (**4**) had all the intel and was highly cooperative. They might need him to crack the vault. He'd certainly be guarded, though. It was always best to avoid Die (**6**) in any direct confrontation unless one wanted a temporal mess on their hands. But if SS needed repairs, he could always get to Stitch (**9**) and "persuade" him. And he might need to if he couldn't kill Sawbuck (**10**) with a clean shot. Eggs (**12**) and Biscuits (**13**) were morons. But they were dangerous morons. Cans (**15**) was a tank and SS's crew would probably need more ammunition than they'd packed to take him down.

In terms of Lord English, no one knew what he look like. But that was about to be corrected. Slick had dibs on English. The leader was all his.

SS wondered where the number 8 mugshot had gone, but he found it on the floor of his chest. It didn't matter anyway, because no one was gonna kill **SN****O****WMAN** (**8**). It was out of the question.

He looked next at the complicated heist map. On review, perhaps his schemes had been a bit convoluted. But he wouldn't have had it any other way. Deuce and Droog had split up to neutralize as many Felt as they could find. His heavy muscle and expert safecracker, Boxcars, was headed straight down to the vault.

Okay. It was time to use his radio to check on his unscrupulous cohorts and get out of there. He put the word out for a status report. No response yet. He cleaned up all his junk, put it back in the chest, and prepared to get the show on the road. He slipped the spade key/rules sheet back in the deck of cards and inventorized it as his war chest. Smooth as clockwork, and every bit as logical.

SS passed through one of the doorways around him into a hallway. Funny, he hadn't heard any commotion or gunplay, but it looked like there'd already been some action in here. Or would be. He could never take tense for granted with those goons.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 13/1000. Apparently.

Oh, wait, it looked like Clubs Deuce was getting back to him on his radio device. He was saying he had Doze tied up for interrogation. SS asked him what else was new. Capturing that guy was like shooting a paralyzed monkey in the face.

The narrative attempted to shift to the point of view of Hearts Boxcars, or HB for short. Except instead, it switched to Clubs Deuce, or CD for short.

Doze remained tight-lipped, so CD dealt him a senseless shin-drubbing with his crook of felony. Oh the humanity. He could barely watch himself do it.

But Doze was probably still using his special ability to slow down time for himself. He couldn't feel a damn thing and certainly wasn't saying anything apart from a very low noise that could have been him saying "ow" very, very slowly.

CD gave up and walked over to the clocks in the back, ready to punch them in their faces to establish chronology. Except he couldn't. All of the clocks were so lovely. He saw no reason to hurt them.

CLOCKS UNHARMED: 987/1000

CD walked back over to where Doze sat, tied in a chair, on his stout but short little legs and began a feeble campaign of psychological warfare, starting by switching their hats. Perhaps compromising Doze's fashion motive was the way to get to him. Nope. It looked like he was still in a weird state of stasis and didn't care at all. Well, either that or it was driving him nuts. Very, very slowly.

Something with a yellow hat flitted by, but CD didn't seem to notice. He was trying to figure out where exactly his war chest was. See, the only thing he had was a simple, unassuming deck of cards (well, along with his five weapons). Why not play solitaire then? Well, see, to play solitaire, one would need a deck of cards. He didn't see a deck of cards. All he saw was his battledrobe and…

Oh no! It was Itchy and it looked like he was all wound up. He untied Doze and quickly swapped everyone's hats around. CD was left with SS's fedora, Doze got his hat back, and Itchy ended up with some kind of cowboy hat which had not been there a second ago.

Doze proceeded to make a fleetfooted getaway. THE CHASE WAS ON!

SS switched the narrative back from HB to himself. Someone had replaced his plain and serviceable hat with a silly and undersized one. An outrage beyond compare. He was sure he knew who the culprit was, though. He could still smell the overly caffeinated blood. Angrily, he smashed another clock.

CLOCKS SHOWN MERCY: 986/1000

SS lifted his leg just a bit and held it in the air. Itchy ran by and… oops. He fell over on his side. SS hefted his horse-headed cane above his head and brought it down with a "crack!"

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 4/15

SS attempted to wear CD's hat over his current one, but he realized Itchy had already switched them such that he was currently wearing CD's. On the floor was Diamonds Droog's hat (DD from now on). SS's own hat was nowhere to be seen, which was exactly why he always kept a backup hat on hand. This son of a bitch on the floor here had just played his last game of musical hats. Soon these lugs would learn to show him some respect. He'd made this town, after all. Hadn't been nothing but a bunch of dust and rocks before he'd gotten here.

SS deployed his chest and swapped the dinky little hat on his head for one more suited to his tastes. And speaking of taste… Oh, thank god. His precious scotty dogs were still here. He didn't know what we would have done without them. He didn't even want to think about it.

Suddenly, Die appeared, making his usual sort of entrance. The nonplussed, vaguely bewildered sort. He had his green 6 hat on and held a voodoo doll with four pins in it in his right hand.

As a cliffhanger, the narrative suddenly shifted to DD. Instead, it shifted to CD. Clubs Deuce had opened his battledrobe in search of his backup hat. He also needed some more rope to tie up Doze again, who was absolutely tearing through the mansion. If CD didn't hurry, perhaps Doze would clear the chair he'd been tied up in within the hour.

But the battledrobe was a huge mess. CD mostly just saw a bunch of bombs and cards. Oh, right, the cards! Except he wasn't sure what was what. He could never remember which card to pick up. He couldn't believe how shitty his memory was. He decided to pick up the *cough cough* deuce of clubs, the card of his namesake. Ah yes, the licorice gummy bears. These needed to be stored for safe-keeping as soon as possible. Finding his backup hat had never been more urgent.

He picked up a bunch of cards and flung them Doze-wards. Didn't accomplish a whole lot, other than put some of his private reading on embarrassing display. Black inches magazine. Licorice "as far as the eye can see."  
Since Deuce was a busy guy, he figured he'd just pick up any old thing and put it on his head. Since he was in a big hurry, he'd assume it was his backup hat. He stood nearby the two remaining cards on the floor. An off-suited king and jack. Well, he wasn't going to stand around jack king off all day, so he grabbed the jack of diamonds. Oh, there was his backup hat. Problem solved, he guessed. He placed the hat on top of the other thing he'd put on his head earlier without even realizing that it was still there.

CD suddenly forgot he was CD and decided to transform into HB, but suddenly remembered that he had been DD all along. DD was currently wearing a yellow hat with the number 1 on it. Whoever had taken his hat was about to discover that he was the unluckiest man on earth. He had better hope that DD found him dead. What DD was going to do to him would be much less painful that way.

He decided to wear his backup hat, but he didn't have it with him. All he had was this deck of… oh wait, he did have his backup hat. It was stashed away in the brawlsoleum. He was the only member of this band of thugs who was civilized enough to keep more than one backup hat, as well as an extensive array of finely tailored suits. The brawlsoleum had seemed like the best storage option for DD's exceptional wardrobe. If there was any sort of better compartment to keep the wardrobe in, he'd have loved to hear it. Also there was a shitload of guns and cards in there too. DD put on a backup hat.

He withdrew his swedish fish from within. Whew. They were there. This was why it was a good idea to store your candy in your backup hat rather than your usual one. The other members of his gang had learned this the hard way and were finally starting to catch on.

Suddenly he got coldcocked in the face from the future. He swung his cue stick around a bit before realizing that if he had gotten hit from the future, and he couldn't time travel, he couldn't possibly hit back. But he'd know the knuckles belonging to that suckerpunch anywhere.

Trace, Felt number 3, always knew where he'd been. The spineless rat liked to follow DD's past trail around and mess with him. Trouble was, whenever he did, he let them know exactly where he was going to be in the future. This time they'd be ready for the green bastard. DD radioed Deuce for backup. Gave him a time and a place, and exactly what path through the mansion to take.

There was a trail of blood on the stairs where Droog stood. He didn't know, however, whether the guy had gone up the stairs, or come down. Or who had wounded him, and when. Might have even been himself, for all the black carapacian knew. But he couldn't overthink this time stuff. He went with his gut and headed upstairs, following the trail of blood. He didn't notice the mysterious hand sticking out of a blue portal in one of the clocks.

After having given a quick 10-4 over the radio, CD took another look at the prisoner. Doze had certainly lucked out this time. It looked like round two of Deuce's brutal interrogation would have to wait. The carapacian hadn't been able to find any rope, so he'd tied up the prisoner with a stretch armstrong doll which he'd happened to have lying around. He didn't remember how he'd gotten it. It looked sort of dumb, but it would have to do.

Okay. It was time to hit the road. CD beat his hostage into the back of his battledrome with his bull penis cane. Wait. This was a bull penis cane? AH! He flipped the fuck out over the apparent fact that this was a bull penis cane.

Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events, Itchy and Die decided to play a game of cards. Die had two aces while Itchy had two kings. Suddenly, an ace of hearts on the table was replaced with a king of clubs. Die grit his teeth and held Itchy's pin closer to the voodoo doll. Itchy always cheated. But he'd always cheated for the last time. Die decided to jump to a timeline where Itchy was dead.

Well then, it looked like Itchy had gotten what he'd deserved. But, uh… as usual, Die found himself in a bit of a predicament. He was staring face to face with Spades Slick, the leader of the infamous and highly dangerous Midnight Crew.

Spades befriended Die and introduced his cast iron horse hitcher to his new friend. "Hello. How do you do?" he snarled mockingly. Die twitched on the ground. But Die wasn't dead. Not just yet. He pulled a pin out from his pocket. It had a spade symbol on the end, corresponding to SS. Die stuck it into the voodoo doll. He disappeared and rematerialized in a barren, alien landscape.

Slick had _made_ this town, just like he'd said before. _Very_ literally. The town without Slick was like Die without his voodoo doll. He was its defining factor!

And, anyway, back to the Midnight Crew, the perspective shifted from fake HB to not HB at all and then right back to real HB. Hearts Boxcars had made his way to The Felt's secret vault. It was certainly bigger than he'd been expecting. He doubted he would be able to rely on his usual safe-cracking method, which was prying it from the wall with his bare hands. He'd have to think of something else…

HB did a silly dance. That was absolutely the most ridiculous thing he could have chosen to do right now. I mean come on. It was time to take a closer look at the safe… no, seriously, stop that.

He stopped and thought about the conundrum for a bit. What about… prying the wall from the safe! Oh, come on! That notion was even more ridiculous than the last one. Wait who was he kidding? No it wasn't. It looked like the combination to the safe was entered via the hands of the clock. And he somehow doubted spinning the hands around manually was going to cut it. Knowing these guys, he'd have to alter the flow of time itself to make it work.

Which of course was bullshit. He'd just blow it up instead. Time to get Deuce on the radio. He deployed his wrathtub and retrieved his pair of wax lips from his backup hat. If anyone was to try to steal HB's wax lips, he would eat their eyeballs and deliver an angry lecture into their empty eye sockets. Boxcars looked over at Red Cheeks magazine. Just looking at it gave him heart palpitations. Literature for avid cardioficionados such as himself. Those burgeoning red humps… that mischievous red tail… the snug, welcoming cleft… the saucy imagery was hard to beat. Harder than what he was beating inside his chest now. His heart was what he was beating. He beat it to Red Cheeks magazine pretty regularly, he'd say.

He radioed Deuce on the 10-4 cards, letting the other carapacian know that he needed a powdermonkey on the double. And then he heard ticking. And it wasn't coming from the big vault clock above. He hoped it wasn't what he thought it was.

Oh no. Oh god! It was Biscuits! His oven timer was ticking. This was no good.

There was a "Bzzzzz" and… ugh, there he was. This idiot thought his special oven transported him into the future by the amount he set on the timer. Well, he was sort of right. But in reality all that was happening was that he hiding in there until the timer was up, and then popping out. HB guessed Biscuits was relatively harmless if he was alone. Boxcars could take him. What he really had to worry about was if the green creature teamed up with… oh no. That ringing. That godawful ringing. He could hear it. Eggs and his timer appeared before Hearts Boxcars. Son of a fuck! HB might as well have gone and grabbed one of his axes to kill himself now.


	26. Book 2 Chapter 10: Intermission Part 2

Chapter 10: Intermission Part 2

In the future, CD had already followed the path through the mansion that Droog had told him to. At about the same time… well, not really, but in the same area, Trace followed Droog's past trail even further back, but found a much fresher trail crossing the path. It looked like this little guy was talking on the radio. Something about how he'd be right there as soon as he gave Droog a hand. Trace decided to trace this little guy for a while, see what he was up to. And then mess with him of course.

In the present… well, relatively speaking, CD spoke to HB over the radio. Something about how he'd be right there as soon as he gave Droog a hand.

The trail of blood ended in a small little room. Or originated. Whatever. Something had gone down here in the past, DD reckoned. Or… was about to go down in the future? You know what, never mind. The clocks around the room were covered in bullet holes.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 21/1000. Apparently.

Hang on. There was a tooth on the floor here. DD knew that tooth. He'd felt its bite before. Fin had been here. And judging by the forensics of the scene, the angle that the tooth had hit the floor at, the direction of the blood spatters, and how dry the blood was, DD thought he knew _exactly_ what Fin was about to pull. Or, more specifically, what he was about to already have pulled.

Fin always knew where Droog was going. He'd followed the gang member's future trail here. He liked to mess with people from the past. Trouble was that when he did, it tipped them off to where he'd been. This time the carapacian was ready. Wait for it. Wait… Now! DD struck out with his cue stick and knocked Fin on the shoulder.

He then took out his gun and shot Fin in the past. Predestined bullet holes were convenient. They gave him something to aim for. Fin dragged himself out of the room and down the stairs, a trail of blood following after him. He also shot every single clock in the room again.

CLOCKS REDESTROYED: 7/21

Fin made his way down the stairs. He watched as Droog of the future stabbed around wildly with his cue stick, probably searching for Trace. But DD clearly didn't find Trace. The black carapacian turned to the left and followed Fin's super-past blood trail up the stairs.

SS decided to rematerialize, but then realized that that didn't make sense. He'd never gone anywhere in the first place. He stood where he had been standing, between Itchy's dead body and Die before the member of The Felt had stabbed a pin into his voodoo doll and disappeared.

Die, standing on the undeveloped planet in the alternate timeline without SS, realized there was a cost to settling a score with Slick this way. The cost was having to live in a desert amidst the ruins of a dead civilization all his life. He thought that was stupid, so he pulled SS's pin out.

He rematerialized in front of Slick, where the carapacian had been waiting. SS sliced Die's neck with his knife and took the voodoo doll, effectively helping the moron live up to his name. Die died.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 5/15

Slick opened his war chest and crossed off the image of Die. He also stuck Die's pin in the voodoo doll for good measure. He might as well keep track of everyone he'd offed this way too. Not that he intended to abuse its power to settle his score. What was the point if he wasn't going to get his hands dirty?

Still, it might come in handy down the road. Lord English was supposedly indestructible. He was rumored to be killable only through a number of glitches and exploits in spacetime. The doll may ultimately help SS work the system if it came to that.

SS knocked the eight clocks in the room onto the dead bodies of Itchy and Die. The pile of torsos and timepieces burned.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 29/1000

DD considered following the trail of blood to Fin and FINishing him off, but the problem with that was, Fin would just see Droog's future trail following him, and that would be nothing but a loud invitation for the member of The Felt to mess with him some more.

Besides, it was better to leave him alive. DD thought he knew where Fin would lead him. He just had to be a little more subtle about tracing Fin's blood trail. Keep his future trail out of Fin's sight.

The narrative attempted to switch back to HB from SS, but SS could not switch to HB because the narrative was still DD's and he was switching to CD's point of view.

Deuce watched as Trace threw a punch into thin air for some reason. That guy was awfully silly! Number 3 then skulked off somewhere. CD didn't realize that he'd been following Droog's past trail through the mansion until he got to the point where it intersected with Deuce's own trail, at which point he'd start following him.

But everyone else besides CD realized it. Because it was obvious and couldn't possibly have been more clear.

CD followed Droog's simple instructions. So simple even a forgetful nincompoop like Deuce could remember. He left Doze, tied up with the doll, in the middle of Trace's past trail. There was a blood trail on the ground that went in a completely different direction than Trace had gone. CD decided to follow it, because that sounded like a really good idea to him. If there was something he was supposed to have done after helping Droog, he'd be damned if he could remember what it was.

Trace caught up to where CD had been. But CD was already gone. All that Felt number 3 could see was the long, gross rubbery arm of CD's past trail stretching throughout the room. He found his comrade tied up with the stretchy rubber arms of a small man. But there was nothing gross or unpalatable about that in the least. Doze unslowed himself and started muttering something about his hat rather feverishly. Trace wondered at his friend's odd behavior. Doze pointed at his blue number 2 hat and began to whine. Trace removed it and saw, underneath, a bomb with a timer. So that was what CD had been doing. The explosion burst through the side of the mansion, destroying at least a tenth of the building. Trace and Doze were taken with the explosion, blasted into a million pieces.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 7/15

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 109/1000

That left only Clover, Fin, Stitch, Sawbuck, Eggs and Biscuits, Cans, and, of course, Lord English.

The bloodied Fin made his way through the mansion to get some help. He wondered where that little guy was going. Deuce's future trail was headed in the same direction he was headed, by sheer coincidence. Fin decided to follow him for a bit, keep an eye on him. For as long as Deuce's path matched his, that was. There was pretty much no chance they were headed to the same place though. That would have been statistically improbable.

He had no idea what those other goons, Trace and Doze, were up to here. Funny, their future trails ended here. He wasn't going to stick around long enough to find out why. He was a bit too woozy from the blood loss to sort out this mess anyway.

It was uncanny! This little guy was matching Fin's route every step of the way. HE MUST KNOW SOMETHING! Fin decided that he had to take Deuce out. He lifted his gun.

But… he couldn't get a clear shot. He was too dizzy, and with all that C4 under CD's hat, firing would have been a bad idea. MY GOD HE'D THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING! Fin was clearly dealing with a criminal mastermind here.

CD strayed off the trail and stopped to admire a gorgeous clock. It was so pretty. Too bad it wasn't ticking like so many of the clocks in this place. Not that he could blame The Felt. There were so many clocks in the mansion it would obviously have been impractical to make sure they all worked properly. Oh look. A trail of blood. He thought he'd start following it.

HB stood amidst a sea of Biscuits's and Eggs's, wasting exactly four hours on this tom foolery. He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated time travel! He hated it!

Above, a spectator had appeared at the strike of 4 and had been giggling at Boxcar's foolishness for a number of minutes. Clover would have been tickled to help HB open the vault! At the cost of answering a few of the member of The Felt's clever time riddles, needless to say.

If only HB had thought to seek Clover's help first, rather than charging like the silly brute he was into this deadly trap of stable and not-so stable time loops. Mostly unstable, really. These guys were way too dumb to maintain even elementary looping stability for more than a couple iterations. If HB hadn't been so preoccupied, Clover would have been able to tell him that he could have used Crowbar's help to pry anything out of a time loop, stable or unstable. Well, if the carapacian hadn't been so preoccupied, and Crowbar hadn't been so dead! Hee hee hee!

Stitch muttered to himself in his shop. He guessed that Eggs and Biscuits were roughhousing again, because the fabric of spacetime was tearing something fierce on Lord English's Cairo Overcoat. This sort of thing was exactly why their leader kept a backup coat, and always left Stitch with one of them.

Any gang did well to have an in-house doctor on hand, but if one dealt in time travel they'd better have a damn good tailor too.

Hearts Boxcars called Spades Slick for backup. "Get your scrawny ass to the vault!" He growled. "It's goddamn bedlam down here! I asked Deuce for backup but, surprise surprise, he's nowhere to be found!"

"Yup," Spades replied.

"Big surprise," HB reiterated. "That was sarcasm, by the way."

"I know," SS said, annoyed. "I'll be right there, Boxcars. I'm gonna go see if I can round up Droog for support."

"Got it," HB said. Eggs and Biscuits and Eggs and Biscuits and Eggs and Biscuits and all of the other Eggs and Biscuits continued to be rambunctious.

"Hey Droog," SS called his subordinate. "I need you to come down to the vault. Boxcars got his ass stuck in a pile of eggs and biscuits."

"Right," Diamonds Droog replied after a second. "Sorry, Deuce is tailing Fin and I'm tailing Deuce so he doesn't get into trouble as usual. I'll be there to help out Boxcars as soon as Deuce and I take care of business with Stitch. Couldn't be simpler."

"Got it," SS said.

"Oh yeah, by the way, I pumped Fin full of lead so you can cross him off the list."

"Roger that," Slick said, and turned off the radio.

Fin burst into Stitch's workshop. "Watch out… out for the little guy… he's about to… no, he already… no, he's going to come in here in the future and…"

"Calm down, Fin," Stitch said soothingly, but the green man continued to blubber.

"Watch out for the little guy to come in… he has a bomb… on his face… no, on his head, or he will… it's undoubtedly quite volatile… so, watch out for him with the bomb… because even the smallest spark could… could set it off."

Fin was clearly in pretty bad shape. Stitch checked the other's effigy to confirm. Yup. Sure enough, the thing was in tatters. But he should be just fine if it could be patched up before he bled to… death? Fin collapsed onto the ground and the effigy turned completely gray.

Slick stuck the orange pin into Die's voodoo doll and crossed Fin's image off the vendetta itinerary.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 8/15

Deuce burst into Stitch's workshop. "Everybody out of the god damn way!" He cried. He had a hat full of bomb, a fist full of bull penis, and a head full of empty.

Stitch cocked the gun pointed at CD's forehead. "Drop the livestock bomb and settle the hell down. You do realize that C4 is a stable explosive and won't detonate with gunfire, right?" The blood drained out of Deuce's face.

"Oh," he said quietly.

"Drop it and get in," said a voice from behind Stitch. DD stood there, a similar gun pointed directly at Stitch's heart. "And don't bleed on the suits."

"Huh?" Stitch asked, clearly confused.

Droog deployed the brawlsoleum and stuffed Stitch inside. He admitted that the thought of carrying an imprisoned tailor wherever he went was gratifying for personal reasons, but in this case, keeping Stitch alive would be useful in dealing with English later.

HB prodded the idiots with Red Cheeks magazine. Predictably, this accomplished nothing, and taking his smut out of hiding turned out to be a very bad idea. Suddenly, copies from the future were appearing left and right and these clowns had their claws all over it. "Slick, where the hell are you!?" He shouted into his radio device.

Slick removed Crowbar's pin from the voodoo doll and suddenly, a whole bunch of stuff was different. Crowbar, Stitch, Sawbuck, and a couple of others faced the Midnight Crew. Both groups shot at each other, ducked behind crates in some kind of warehouse. SS had forgotten that The Felt almost seemed halfway competent when Crowbar was running the show. The good news was that Slick got to kill him again.

He looked down at Snowman's pin and thought about inserting it and quickly removing it. You have no idea how much he wanted to. But even he wasn't that crazy. Still, kinda tempting.

Suddenly, a carapacian with a glowing green coat and a black hat with a white circle in it appeared. The circle had an 8 in it. Snowman.

She held her cigarette to the side as she walked down the steps to the center of the battle. Everyone ceased fire.

"Hold still, Slick," she said. "There's something in your eye." She took the cigarette out of its holder and jammed the metal piece in SS's eye, scratching a line down the side of his face in the process. He howled in pain and grimaced as Snowman popped the cigarette in her mouth, took a puff, and walked away.

Everyone always stopped shooting when Snowman was around. If you killed her you destroyed the universe.

Slick pulled the cigarette holder out of his eye. All he knew was that Snowman was going to have a hell of a time getting it back.

He chucked it at Sawbuck, but of course it was only a fleshwound. Seemed like the only sort of wound he could ever inflict on the corpulent lummox. As a consequence of the injury, both of them jumped to a random point on the timeline. This looked to be in the recent past, when Stitch and Crowbar were setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight. Which was very thoughtful of them. Slick's goons would be showing up any minute now with the heavy firepower. For now he'd gotten the drop on everybody. A mysterious hand appeared, sticking out of a portal on the wall. It disappeared just as quickly, however.

In his surprise and confusion, and also in Spades Slick's rage and frustration, Stitch got the business end of SS's saber rattle. He was dead. In this timeline at least.

SS pushed Sawbuck to the side. "Where do you think you're going, fatty?" He asked. He'd deal with Sawbuck in a minute. He whipped out his double edged sword and Occam's Razor and turned on Crowbar. Crowbar stood and slowly raised his crowbar. SS flung the king of spades, also known as Occam's Razor, at Crowbar. Crowbar deflected it with his crowbar, knocking it into Sawbuck's unmissable carriage. Everyone jumped far into the past, back before the creation of their town.

Years in the past, which is to say the present for the time being, a Scurrilous Straggler, wrapped in sheets which bore the emblem of a playing card spade, eyed an impromptu desert skirmish. He dismissed the three fighters as a bunch of ill-mannered rogues warranting now further investigation. Although he did give a small nod of approval to the plain and serviceable hat worn by one of the combatants, a carapacian like the Straggler himself, which struck him as an absolutely smashing display of good fashion sense.

At the same time, in the same place, SS, wearing his backup fedora, hit Crowbar in the head with his horse-headed cane, knocking him to the ground. He couldn't kill the member of The Felt just yet, though. Slick needed him to return to the original timeline. He would be taking that crowbar, though. SS stuffed Crowbar into his deck of cards.

Sawbuck he needed to keep alive too, for the moment. Not to return to the right timeline, but the right time. Speaking which, where did tubby think he was wandering off to? SS walked up to Sawbuck and treated him to a bit of the old "bait and switchblade," turning the card into his knife at just the right time.

They appeared in the future, in the warehouse after the gunfight was over. Well, the gunfight that had never taken place since Slick had killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to have been involved. It looked like only Boxcars was here.

Slick picked up Sawbuck and carried him like Titan Atlas carried the world over to where HB stood. He ordered his subordinate to deploy his wrathtub before the fat lard put him in a wheelchair. If he took Sawbuck back to his own time and killed him there, that would save him the trouble of hunting Sawbuck down. Might as well take Stitch too. Maybe. He wasn't really sure that was how it worked. He didn't really care though. Best case scenario, he got to kill them both twice.

He dumped the injured Sawbuck into the tub, then stuck the tub in his own deck of cards. But he gave Boxcars back his sordid literature, which the idiot had carelessly left in plain sight. No one would ever catch SS leaving his smut around. And even if someone did, that copy of Terrier Fancy magazine could have belonged to anyone. They couldn't prove nothin'.

Slick stuck Crowbar's pin back into Die's voodoo doll and returned to his original timeline.


	27. Book 2 Chapter 11: Intermission Part 3

Chapter 11: Intermission Part 3

Spades Slick stood once more in his timeline. The room he was in was covered in blood and destroyed clocks, which was odd because he couldn't remember ever fighting anyone here. But now, stuffed in his chest, he had a live Crowbar from another timeline. Brought back to a timeline where he was supposed to be dead… so SS guessed now he was alive again in this timeline, which was in part defined by his death? Ok, whatever. He should probably just kill Crowbar again anyway.

Also, Sawbuck from another timeline was in his war chest too, lying inside alternate HB's wrathtub. So… he figured now there were two Sawbucks? This was getting kind of dumb.

He opened the chest, releasing both of them as well as the dead Stitch. Crowbar held a gun in one shaking hand. He didn't look too pleased.

SS deflected Crowbar's gunfire with his horse-headed cane, knocking the bullets into the awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth. Sawbuck was injured once more, sending everyone back into the past.

Slick dodged Crowbar's next round too and Sawbuck and Crowbar shot at each other, sending them both flying through time again. But Sawbuck, still injured, still stood next to him… It seemed that the Sawbuck from this timeline (i.e. the "real" Sawbuck) had been in the room at this point in time. Slick had jumped out of the way and real Sawbuck and Crowbar went back in time. They no doubt went on to spend the rest of their ammunition peppering each other throughout the timeline, destroying all these clocks in the process between now and the present. That explained the mess in the room when he'd come here. Thank God he'd figured that out. He'd have surely lost sleep over it.

CLOCKS REDESTROYED: 20/107 Well, clocks redestroyed for the first time. Well, for the first time eventually… you know what, never mind.

Um, he had to think up a good time-based one-liner before he killed Sawbuck. Okay, he thought he had one.

"You know, Sawbuck," SS said villainously, "time travel sure can be a…" He stabbed Sawbuck through the stomach and they were both transported into the future. Sawbuck still wasn't dead. "...double edged sword!" Wait, that was awful. Really really bad. He was sure he could do better than that.

"Let's see… _sorry to_… no… _time's running_… no wait… fuck." Slick from the past, unscarred and holding Die's voodoo doll, appeared in front of him. "Give me a bit of help here," Slick from the present/future said.

"_Time's_… something about time," Past Spades Slick brainstormed.

"Something about… time being up? No wait, how about a clock pun?" Future Slick suggested.

"No, dammit," Past Slick said. "Will you just listen? I was almost onto something there. _Time… Time is…_"

"Screw this. Too many cooks in the kitchen," Future Slick said, hefting his dagger. "Say, just what does this quivering mound of blubber think he is up to?"

Just as Future SS began to hear Past SS ask him what had happened to his eye, he jabbed Sawbuck with his butterfly effect knife. He remembered a little while ago asking himself about his eye, and then not giving an answer before disappearing. Maybe if he'd stopped and thought about it for a second, he could have warned his past self and avoided this whole mess, albeit in the process of making a paradox. But Slick's own strict policy of stabbing first and answering questions later had prevented it. He was sure his past self understood (or had understood, depending on the perspective). He was sure of this because he very clearly remembered understanding/understooding.

Suddenly, the narrative shifted again to Past Spades Slick (PSS). He was just about to pull Crowbar's pin. He guessed that all that stuff with his future self and Sawbuck had originally happened in this room while the narrative was following someone else, like Diamonds Droog or something. That made sense.

He pulled the pin and a whole bunch of shit happened that we already saw. If you'd like to see what happened next, just go back a few pages and read it all again.

However, watching Slick's future self was a lot more constructive because SS got to do stuff he hadn't already done. He stabbed Sawbuck with the butterfly effect knife and was transported away from PSS and into the future. It was a bloody mess in here. The clocks were more bullet-riddled than ever.

It seemed that Crowbar and both Sawbucks had been decapitated… well, two of three Sawbucks. The one he was currently in the process of killing still wasn't dead. He wondered briefly where/when the third Sawbuck had come from. Whatever the case, he was almost certain that he already was, or would be, responsible for all of this. Which of course meant more time-traveling.

It looked like the wrathtub and war chest were gone, which meant that Future Spades Slick (FSS) had packed up and left already. He had to take note of these sorts of things so he knew where he was in the timeline.

Over on the far wall, one of the clocks that hadn't been destroyed before was now bloodied and full of holes. Not especially noteworthy, but he had a feeling he should register the fact.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 108/1000

SS pried Snowman's cigarette holder out of Sawbuck's torso. Whoops, another time jump. Sawbuck reached for his gun again. He had to settle his big ass down. Slick really wanted to incapacitate him without inflicting another wound.

SS grabbed hold of Occam's Razor, which was jammed into Sawbuck's head, and was about to shove it deeper when he noticed the clock on the wall. It hadn't been destroyed yet. But it was about to be. It was ticking down to the time it'd been stuck on in the future, which was almost exactly 4:00. It was currently about 3:45. Maybe if Spades timed it just right, he could end this whole mess in one fell slice.

He'd even figured out an ice-cold one-liner to dish out when the time came. He'd been working pretty hard on it. "Wait for it… wait for it… now. _Hate to cut and_… Wait, no. Not yet. _Hate to…_ no. Wait. _Hate to cut and _DAMMIT! Not yet! _Hate to cut and…_ shit. _Hate to… hate to…"_

Suddenly, real Sawbuck and Crowbar, both covered in blood and full of bullet holes, appeared.

"Hate to chop all of your heads off with this sword. Real sorry about that. My bad." Slick slew all three of them with his rapier wit. Okay, so that explained the triple Sawbuck phenomenon. There was "real" Sawbuck, Sawbuck he'd been harming the whole time and had just killed, and that same latter Sawbuck, but just in the past.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 9/15

GREEN TORSOS DEADENED TWICE: 2/15

GREEN TORSOS DEAD FOR THE FIRST TIME, BUT IT WAS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE TORSO, SO MAYBE IT DIDN'T COUNT: 1/15

CLOCKS GRATUITOUSLY REDESTROYED: 7/108

SS grabbed the tub and chest and moved on. That was altogether enough of this nonsense! Oh wait, Diamonds was calling him.  
"Yeah, Droog?" He asked.

"Just checking up on you. What's been going on?" DD asked.

"Oh, well I killed Crowbar again, Sawbuck twice, and Stitch once," Slick explained.

"Was it an alternate timeline Stitch?" Droog asked.

"I guess so."

"That doesn't count, but I've got the real one here."

Slick muttered some foul language that DD couldn't really make out.

"Never mind," Droog said. "Just hurry down and meet me at the vault."

"Oh, by the way, I took some damage from Snowman."

"Yeah, I know," Droog said. "We're having Stitch make some effigies of ourselves using our backup hats. Deuce brought yours, which he ended up with somehow. It's crumpled, but it should work. Not sure what happened to his, but whatever. And Boxcars is obviously tied up at the moment, so I can't get my hands on his yet."

"I've got both their hats here. I'll be down there ASAP."

"Alright. See ya."

"Yeah. In the meantime, see what you can get Stitch to do about this eye."

DD nudged Stitch with his gun. "Get to work, threadmonkey," he said. The tailor reluctantly began to use his needle to stitch the gash in Slick's eye back together.

No! Dammit! SS had been facing the wrong way. The effigy was incorrect! Slick's right eye remained bloody and cut while his left eye sported a new patch. Stitch had patched the wrong side!

"Undo this right now, Droog!" He yelled into the radio, fuming. "Wait until I'm turned around next time."

"It's your right eye, right?" DD asked. He seemed confused. "Were you facing left or right when Stitch patched you up?"

"It's only my right eye when I'm facing left," SS said. "It's the left eye when I'm facing right. The effigy is backwards relative to how I'm standing."

There was silence on the other end, and then: "Oh, so it's the left-right eye."

"Yeah," Slick said. "But hang on a minute. I'll turn around so it's the right-left."

"Okay, I'll wait."

Stitch undid and redid the patch, the former action while Spades faced left, and the latter while Spades faced right. There we go. That was better.

SS wondered about the remaining few members of The Felt. There was Clover and Eggs and Biscuits (HB was still dealing with the three of them), English, of course, Stitch (sort of), and Cans. Ah, Cans. None of his weapons would be any good against the giant goon if he were to show up. He admired the lance for a moment (that was to say, the cigarette holder). It was a pretty sweet weapon with outstanding craftsmanship. At least he'd gotten something out of the eye-gouging. Snowman would have to pry this thing from his rigid, severed arm if she wanted it back.

Slick placed the horse-headed cane between his legs, held the lance in front of him, and pretended to joust.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOHSHIT.

Snowman appeared in the window, watching him carefully. She looked simultaneously disappointed and furious. And then, just as quickly, she disappeared.

SS threw down his hat in disgust. He just couldn't believe she'd seen him horsing around like that. He would never live this down.

Droog considered shooting up all of the effigies of Biscuits and Eggs, but Stitch kept them all in a warehouse several miles away because of the duo's ridiculous duplication tendencies. And they were sure as hell not going to drive all the way over there, so DD and CD just shot at them in person. After all, they were down by the vault.

But that had been such an unbelievably terrible idea because the duo and their duplicates swarmed Droog and Deuce, ensconcing them in the time mischief. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in one of Eggs' faces, but no one noticed. Everyone was way too busy with the craziness of 12, 13, and Red Cheeks magazine. DD shunned the obscene literature.

In the meantime, Stitch picked up a lighter and held it to the Midnight Crew effigies. Except Spades Slick arrived in time to stab the tailor through the chest with the lance that was also a cigarette holder. This was incredibly delirious biznasty!

In the present, Doze and Trace finally exploded (that event had always been in the future). But now, Stitch was actually dead too, leaving only four of The Felt plus Lord English.

Slick began to whack things with Crowbar's crowbar, starting with Egg's egg timer. He did this because he knew that Crowbar's crowbar would destroy any temporal artifact and completely negate its effect on the timeline. Finally, only one Eggs and one Biscuits were left.

HB attempted to eat Eggs. The attempt was an overwhelming success, leaving Eggs with his head chewed off. Biscuits began to look a tad snug in his muffin tray. He thought it was about time to poke a broomstraw in this battle. His dough would live to rise another day.

"See you in the future, suckers!" the green imbecile cried, and leaped into his oven.

SS dealt the oven a wicked flogging, but not much happened. The oven didn't really have any magical time properties to be negated. It just traveled into the future at a rate of one second per second, like everyone else.

CD put some dynamite in the oven, setting it to go off in a few seconds, when both it and Biscuits would be released from the oven in a couple of hours. Deuce tried to turn up the heat on the oven, but it didn't seem to actually work at all. He just wheeled it off somewhere else in the mansion so it could explode in peace.

Sometime into the future, it exploded, killing Biscuits.

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 12/15

PROBABLY SOME MORE CLOCKS DESTROYED TOO

Since Slick's expert safecracker had apparently spent the last five or six hours being totally useless down here, SS figured it was time to take matters into his own hands. Huh? What was Clover doing here? And what was he so worked up about?

"Please reconsider!" Clover said. "Using that crowbar to pry open the vault would be ever so much bad luck! Like breaking a thousand mirrors all at once! The sort of mirrors that tick and have numbers and tell time and stuff. That is the worst kind of mirror to break, luckwise."

"Please stay calm," Slick said politely, but Clover refused outright. He began to do a really frisky jig!

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

He began spinning a fanciful series of riddles illuminating the true path to opening the vault. Mysterious music filled SS's ears as his mind assumed the shape of a pretzel.

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

DOO DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO

DOO DEE DOO DEE DOO DOO

This is how the music would sound if we were listening to it right now.

Slick held a gun to Clover's head and ask him for the answer to the ultimate riddle: how to open the safe.

"What's this? Hee hee!" Clover laughed. "You think you can shoot me? I am so lucky the gun will probably jam or something predictable like that. Nice try though!"

Spades snarled and tucked the gun away. He proceeded to hit Clover with a newspaper instead. You didn't have to be all that unlucky to get whacked around with a newspaper. It was sort of a gray area. And speaking of gray areas, this wasn't a real newspaper. It was just a wrapper for his private sordid literature, which no one could ever see. Uh oh, it was slipping out a bit. His appetite for monochrome beauties and gray puns was nearly on public display. He had to keep a lid on that smut! Especially with Clover around.

Suddenly the whole vault room was shaking. SS dropped the newspaper and stepped back. He wondered what it could be. It sounded suspiciously like Cans was about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. He prayed to god it wasn't Cans about to plow through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. In the meantime, Clover ogled at the Gray Ladies newspaper.

All of a sudden, the burly and gigantic Cans plowed through the wall Kool-Aid Man style. DD resisted the urge to shout "oh yeah!" and instead shouted "oh no!" when Cans smashed into him.

Droog flew through time and landed in next week. He found himself going about his business a week later. It looked like he was doing a little grocery shopping. He was a bit confused, having no memory of the previous week. He had no idea what was on his grocery list. Was he out of milk? What kind of produce did he need to stock up on? It was all a little overwhelming, and, to make matters worse, the selection had too many … PRICES and VAULES

COMIC #11: ok put the can down dude... haha, unbealievible

Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff goes shoping (in "SBahHJ go shopping")

Entr Geromy

Sweet Bro: not all the cans are the same

Sweet Bro: what's the differance

Sweet Bro: the selection has too many …. PRICES and VAULES

Sweet Bro: gog DAMN

Sweet Bro: its like….. who NEEDS this fuckeng bullshit

Sweet Bro: it is sooooo INFUUUUURIATING, shit, whare's the manager

Hella Jeff: and there he goes

Hella Jeff: and now. the police are invovled. jesus chris

Hella Jeff: AHAHAHA omfg

Hella Jeff: i cant BELIEVE what he made take place

Hearts Boxcars flailed Eggs' dead torso Cans-ward in an attempt to placate him with the red meat. It didn't work! Instead, Cans clocked Boxcars entirely out of the current calendar year. He landed in an entirely different outdated calendar.

It looked like this one was themed with spirited horses. He'd be up to his ass in horses for a whole year. Just great, this was just what he needed to be doing. Farmin' all these goddamn horses. Fuckin' pain in the ass.

Slick didn't care what the consequences were. He was going to crack open this safe and be done with it. This whole intermission was starting to get a little punchy anyway. He picked up the crowbar and wedged it inside the door, pulling at the vault. The whole thing began to crackle with purple electricity.

The massive release of temporal distortion from the vault transported SS to a highly unfavorable timeline. It looked like the entire mansion had been leveled, except for the vault and its enclosure. Everyone was dead except for him, English, and you-know-who.

But at least the safe was open.

CLOCKS DESTROYED: 1000/1000

GREEN TORSOS DEAD: 14/15

BLACK SCOFFLAWS OFFED: 3/4

Spades entered the vault. There was nothing inside but an opening in the floor. There was a door with a keyhole in the opening, and he had a feeling he knew how to open it. He only wondered why English's treasure was locked behind a door with a spade on it.

He guessed this was what the spade key had been for all along. He dramatically wielded it in a matter of fact manner.

He tried to peek inside the keyhole, but there had never been a keyhole. It had clearly been a barcode scanner all along. Like the kind they swept groceries over at supermarkets. That reminded him, he really should do some shopping next week. In any case, he wasn't going to peek inside because the lasers could blind him in one eye. OH WAIT

Anyway, there had never been a problem because there was clearly a barcode printed on his rules card for blackjack. As well as on his arm. But there was nothing wrong with a little redundancy, he guessed.

But before he could scan the rules card, a hole was shot through it. Huh? SS turned around. Snowman stood at the entrance to the vault, holding a smoking gun in one hand and a whip in the other.

Slick held up the lance. "Oh, are you looking for this? Well, come and get it, you contemptuous she-witch!"

The end of Snowman's whip flew towards SS. Her Black Inches had no doubt been responsible for more than a few Red Cheeks. The whip wrapped itself around his arm and tugged until the appendage was torn off at the shoulder.

Snowman pulled Slick's arm into her hand, snapped her fingers, and disappeared. The door to the vault closed with a slam.

Slick held his arm over the scanner before realizing that his arm was no longer there. Oh right. That was why Snowman had shot the card and ripped off his arm. He had no more codes to scan. He leaned over the scanner so it scanned the wrinkles in his carapacian forehead. It didn't work.

He flipped himself turn-ways and scanned himself with the scanner. Miraculously it worked. The hatch opened, revealing a tube with a spirograph top. He pulled off the lid and descended into the darkness.

In the hatch was a room with a console with it. The console had twelve screens, one of which displayed some kind of gray guy standing in a room with a white crab thing behind him and some captchalogue cards on the floor. Slick recognized him immediately. Oh, it had been a long time.

"hey kid", Slick typed.

yeah you

The gray kid on the screen looked around to see where the voice was coming from.

CG boggled vacantly at these shenanigans. It began to dawn on him that everything he was about to do may prove to have been a colossal waste of time.

END INTERMISSION

It was time to end the intermission. Mr. Orange Guy wiped the sweat from his brow and shook his head. He had only an hour left to finish Homestuck and wrap up any excess tangential plots, so it was time to get back to the main story.


	28. Book 2 Chapter 12: LOWAS

Chapter 12: LOWAS

John leaped through the first gate and arrived in the Land of Wind and Shade, commonly abbreviated to LOWAS. He smashed an odd-looking shale imp that was in front of him into some grist. The imp had what looked like mini tentacles sticking out from its chin. _That's odd_, he thought.

Suddenly, a voice appeared in his head. Except this time it was different. It wasn't a commanding voice like before, nor excessively polite. "I am told your name is John. Is that correct?"

Yep. That was certainly right.

"It's nice to meet you, John." Look, voice, John isn't directly cognizant of your greeting. He can hear you, but doesn't truly listen. I'm sure he'd feel likewise, though.

"Ok, John. Let's explore this place!" Ok, have at it!

John looked around, taking everything in, for the first time since he'd arrived. Blue-ish rocks sat covered in mushrooms, gems, and odd glowing green trees. He walked to his left and arrived at the ghost hands, holding the Telescopic Sassacrusher.

"What in blue blazes is this absurd looking thing?" He'd deactivated the ghost gauntlets for the time being. It got pretty distracting flailing them around all the time when all he was trying to do was explore.

He continued walking along the odd cobblestone path that didn't really seem to lead anywhere and found a blue imp. Hmm… that was new. He filled his mangrit vial to the max and smashed the blue imp into some grist. Ooh! What was that over there?

"How exciting! A parcel for you. Retrieve it!" He opened the top of a mailbox-like tube with one of those swingy-dealy-red thingies and out came a jar of bugs. He put it in his fourth cuestack.

Suddenly, he heard Nanna's voice. "John, hello! Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, Nanna," John replied. "Where are you?"

"I am still in the house, dear! I'm afraid I cannot accompany you on your journey. But I can talk to you like this, if you ever need me to provide a puzzling half-answer to one of your questions."

"Oh, ok. Thanks, Nanna! By the way, how are you talking to me?"

"Oh, I'm not, dear. Not really."

"Okay. Never mind."

"Hoo hoo hoo! You should begin by exploring and talking to locals! They will be able to provide you with some new insights into your quest, and illuminate some matters on which I have remained coy to this point! Hoo hoo!"

"Yeah, what's up with that, Nanna? Did the game make you all coy and prankstery when you became a sprite or were you always like that when you were alive?"

"Oh, wouldn't _you_ like to know, dear! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!"

"Ha ha ha… okay."

John continued walking until he came to a pink cat imp. What were these new kinds of imps doing here? A bit further on, he found a yellow salamander thing standing next to a broken frog statue. The statue was covered in black imp goo.

"Hey, do you know what happened here?" he asked the salamander.

The salamander began to rant, bubbles blowing out of its mouth. "Look at this! Another Cherished Idol profaned! Such sacrilege has become commonplace with the recent glut of the Underlings. It would bring a tear to my eye if I were not so clearly fit to be tied with these hyperactive mannerisms and severe attention deficit oh my god look a bug."

"What's up with this thing?" John asked.

"Amphibious and reptilian life forms play a special role in your quest, John," Nannasprite's disembodied voice said.

"What kind of role. Like frogs and stuff?"

"ESPECIALLY frogs, John!" she exclaimed.

"?" John expressed confusion. Nanna didn't respond.

He walked to his right to discover another salamander, this one standing next to another one of those mail tubes.

"Hello, my name's John…" he began, but the salamander interrupted him.

"Do you not know what a Parcel Pyxis is?" The salamander inquired, but didn't await a response. "Incomprehensible! Ok I'll play your pretend game for a minute. This is a Parcel Pyxis, a receptacle connected to our network of pipes. We use them to send stuff to different places. They are fully intertwined with our customs and social practices. If there is anything we want, we chisel it on a Minitablet and drop it in. Who receives it? Hard to say, but if you encounter a Minitablet and you possess what is chiseled on it, it is only considered polite to drop it in the Pyxis! Similarly, if you encounter a Parcel Pyxis that has a prize in it already, you are obligated to keep the prize for yourself. Consider it to be a gift to you from the Breeze. This is just the way things work. And whenever one of us is standing near a Parcel Pyxis, we feel compelled to give this little speech about it."

"John, their economy of anonymous, intraglobal pipe-based based bartering system may seem quaint, but you'd do well to get accustomed to it!" Nanna said. "The true Heir must learn the ways of the people of the Land to progress through the Gates!"

"Wait, so I'm the heir?" John asked.

"Didn't I tell you, John?" Nannasprite asked in response.

"No!" John exclaimed.

"Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Hoo! Hoo hoo." Nanna fell quiet.

John opened the Pyxis and received a Minitablet with an image of a shoe on it. He picked up the Minitablet and the barber's best friend fell out of the cuestack. He picked it up and the barbasol bomb was expelled. John quickly caught it and the candy corns were expelled from his sylladex. He picked them up as well, and his Dad's fedora fell out. Frustrated, John stopped and dropped the box of fruit gushers. A few of the morsels fell out. He dropped one of his Dad's shoes in the Pyxis and placed the gushers and hat, in that order, into the third cuestack. That worked.

John climbed up onto an arch that had stairs built into it and accidentally captchalogued a rock at the top. One of the shoes fell out of his sylladex. Whatever. He left it where it was. He climbed to the other side of the arch and then across a river of imp sludge via a fallen glowing green tree. He dropped the rock on an imp, expelling the thing from his sylladex once and for all. A salamander stood a little ways from John. It held a harlequin figurine in its hand.

"Wanna buy this?" it asked. "It fell from Skaia. I guarantee it."

"Sure," John said, intrigued as to how much it cost.

"Okay, that will be 5,000,000 boondollars. Will that be…"

"Um, I'm sorry, I don't have that much money," John said.

"Oh what? You don't have that much? Ha ha ha! Of course not! No one does! It's impossible."

Oh, a Parcel Pyxis! John rushed over to it.

"Hooray! This one contains a prize! Another success for the postal system," said the voice in his head. Of course, he didn't notice. John received an exquisite pipe.

He killed another imp, this one wearing a pink princess hat. But in the process, he was injured. He opened the box of fruit gushers and ate a couple. His health was restored.

Just past the pipe sat a drain that an imp sludge river drained into.

"Peer into large opening," commanded the voice in his head. John thought he could make out a very faint noise below. Was it… snoring? Suddenly, an imp appeared behind him and almost knocked him into the hole! He killed it with the wrinklefucker, but still, the imp was really strong!

"Nanna, there are more imps than ever down here, and they seem to be getting stronger." John said.

"Yes, dear. There are plenty of imps up here too. I had to start giving them some cookies because I baked too many. I hope you don't mind!"

"No, that's okay. Also, the imps look different. Like there was this cat one, and then a princess one, and a tentacled thing…"

"That is because a new prototyping has taken place."  
"Huh?" John asked. "I thought there could only be two…"

"No no, your pretty, young friend has joined you in The Medium!"

"Woah! Wait, Rose is here? Where is she? Will I find her down here somewhere?"

"(oh, settle down, all of you. there are more than enough cookies to go around.)"

"Nanna! Dammit, will you stop messing around with those stupid imps for a second! Will I find Rose down here somewhere?" There was silence. "Nanna?" He sighed.

Oh! Over there! A Parcel Pyxis! He received an elegant pipe and one of his Dad's shoes flew out of his sylladex. Annoyed, he recaptchalogued it in his second cuestack.

He returned to the salamander with the figurine, knocked it from its hand, and proceeded to take a different route. The salamander called after him in rage. "Hey, you didn't pay for that, glub glub!"

He smacked right into another salamander. "GLUB! That's my way of saying go over there and check it out. 'GLUB!' can basically mean whatever I want it to mean. It's really cool having a bullshit language."

"What do you mean? Check what out?" John asked cautiously.

"GLUB! That means why don't you go see."

John walked past the salamander and approached a Pyxis behind the salamander. He opened it. It was empty.

"GLUB!" That means that's not what I meant. Look up at the sky," the salamander said.

"Maybe you should try using your telescope here," the voice in John's head said. John's subconscious agreed and he placed his telescope on the ground next to the Parcel Pyxis. He looked up and saw the giant spike of land his house was on. And there was his abode at the very top of the spike.

"Nanna, are you there?" he asked.

"Yes!" Nannaquin said excitedly.

"I just saw my house from below. What gives? Why did the gate take me down here?"

"All the gates do, John!" Nanna said. "To ascend, each time you must first descend."

"Huh. Alright. So I guess I scramble around down here until… uh... until, what exactly, Nanna? When does this end?"

"Until you find the next gate. It is hidden somewhere in the Land."

"Ok, so I get to that gate and go in. Then what? Where does it take me? Uh… further up maybe? But I haven't even built that high yet!"  
"So you see why you had to build in the first place, John? You must have a little faith in your dear old nanna!"

"Yeah, well, I do Nanna, but I'm still not really getting it. Does the next gate down here take me back up to the house or something? (please don't say Hoo hoo hoo!)."

"Hoo hoo hoo!"  
"Ugh!" John yelled.

He began to walk away from the area he'd placed the telescope (first picking up the telescope, of course), but he was intercepted by the salamander.

"GLUB!" it said, bubbles rising from its mouth. "That weird white boxy thing appeared up there a little while ago." It took John a second to realize that the salamander was talking about his house. "Then it gradually became even boxier, and also taller. They say that's where the Heir lives."

"Who's they?" John asked.

The salamander shrugged. "Wise folk I guess. Maybe elders or something like that. Man I don't know. Also, isn't it funny how I'm taking your existence here in stride? I'm treating it like it's no big deal."

In a future settled askance of the present, collateral desecration marred the sacred/illicit as a worm-like sentry shot at a frog temple. AR jumped around as blue lights from the thing flew at him.

The Renegade shot a large missile at WV's ship and exploded a large hole in the side of it. Another missile smashed into PM's capsule's sentry. PM was overtaken with sadness and rage. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of the temple, but everyone was too busy with the action to notice it.

Another missile flew through the air and landed not far from the rock that the Mayor was hiding behind. WV, his pumpkin bindle, and Serenity were blasted over the rock. The pumpkin landed on his head and the cans tumbled all around him. The crosshairs of AR's gun alighted on the black carapacian's face.

But… wait. What was that symbol. Some kind of dog… AR turned his head around and looked at it right-side up. Oh wow! He dropped the gun and put his hands to his face, which was wrapped in caution tape. AR leaped down from the temple and landed by WV excitedly.

PM, in rage and frustration, leaped at the Renegade. He turned in shock as the pretty mail lady flew toward him, sword out. She knocked him over and held her sword to his throat. WV began to freak out behind them.

In the mystic ruins of an era pre-desecration, an ancient time capsule had blossomed. Jade found inside it two juice-stained envelopes containing the SBURB Beta, both labeled "DAVE". She captchalogued the Beta, which uneventfully tucked itself into her sylladex. She thought maybe she was getting kind of bored the memory modus. She liked to mix it up now and then.

She selected her jenga modus, ejecting her sylladex in the process. Oh, it looked like the time capsule had reset itself. It was sprouting a new bud. Presumably something else would come out of it when it bloomed again in 413 years. Too bad Jade wouldn't be around to find out what it was.

Anyway, her modus grabbed the eighteen cards it needed to set itself up. It divided each card into three captchalogue blocks. She began picking up her items. Each was captchalogued, chopped into three blocks, and randomly distributed into a block tower. She gathered up the rest of her items and got ready to test out the jenga modus.

She went for all the blocks containing the tangle buddies. Careful... careful… Jade had a sudden fit of narcolepsy and fell over onto the block tower. No, this wouldn't do at all. Everything was ejected from her sylladex again. She switched to the pictionary modus.

Ok, she started by trying to grab her lunchtop. After she ditched an unwelcome solicitor, that was. She jumped onto the lunchtop and muffled the sounds of the troll pestering him. She had to concentrate here.

Jade drew a nice-looking Squiddle lunchtop on the captchalogue scribblepad. The modus recognized what she was trying to draw and snapped it right up. She fell to the ground, as she'd been standing on the lunchtop before. Nice going!

She drew the beta envelopes on the scribblepad and wrote "3 Thanks dave!" at the top. The scribblepad thought that the heart was a B and the exclamation marks were 1's floating above 0's, so the sylladex crossed them out. But it understood the beta and snatched the envelopes up. Yeah!

Just for fun, Jade did a really quick doodle of nothing in particular. The scribblepad appeared to be processing the shapes. Was that... what that Charles Dutton?

Since Jade did not actually have a Dutton photo lying around, the pad captchalogued a Dutton photo ghost image. It was not a tangible item, and could never be used. It seemed to be more an imprint on the card itself, a watermark. However, the back of the card did seem to contain a viable captcha code for a real Dutton photo, for whatever it was worth. Which was very little.

Jade sketched a beautiful, succulent pumpkin, knowing perfectly well that a pumpkin ghost image would be captchalogued, because she was quite sure there was not a pumpkin in the room, and there surely would never be. She captchalogued the pumpkin ghost image. At least she had the captcha code on the back in case she ever wanted to replicate a real one.

"Oh no!" She exclaimed. The captcha code was too faint to read.

It was time to get the rest of her items and skedaddle. She started by drawing the tangle buddies. But… it looked like the pad was having trouble understanding the shapes? The pad displayed an image of a pair of gloves, along with a marble, two pennies, and a button.

Jade decided to captchalogue the bass on the card with the ghost Dutton image. Except it wasn't up to her to say what card it went on! The modus decided! All she got to do was draw. In any case, she tried sketching her eclectic bass. It was kind of a hard thing to draw accurately though. The scribblepad interpreted it as an ordinary bass. That wasn't right.

She tried once more, focusing on getting all the mechanical details just right… and… Argh! The scribblepad interpreted her drawing as some kind of complex robot.

Suddenly, Becquerel appeared behind her. Busted! The jig was up. Bec teleported her to her room without the rest of her loot. She doubted she'd have time to go back and get it. She supposed she'd inadvertently left her own time capsule there for whatever party might find it in the future. Lucky bastards!

Immediately, Jade got to work. She sat on her bed, opened her lunchtop, and got started installing both discs of the beta in order to get a jump on it to avoid the sort of future drama that resulted from poor time management decisions.

In the meantime, she decided to touch base with her pals. Oh no, not _those _pals. The trollslum could just sit tight for now.

John donned his serious business goggles and pestered Rose.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**EB: rose?**

**EB: are you there?**

**EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.**

**EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?**

**EB: let me know ok.**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**GG: john hi!**

**EB: hi jade!**

**EB: guess where i am.**

**GG: are you on the ground below the clouds yet?**

**EB: yeah!**

**EB: wait how did you know that's where the gate goes...**

**EB: did you talk to rose? can she still see me while im down here?**

**EB: she won't answer.**

**GG: no i havent talked to her yet but id like to soon**

**GG: ive got a lot of catching up to do with all of you!**

**GG: sorry ive been so scarce ive just been so busy running around like crazy and looking after my dog and stuff all day!**

**GG: i think he just locked me in my room actually :\**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: he sounds like such a handful.**

**GG: yeah**

**EB: but it's ok, i think he is mostly just looking after you.**

**EB: like a guardian angel or something.**

**EB: if i were you i would take him out behind the woodshed and give him a big hug.**

**GG: :D**

**GG: hey john can you hold on i have to talk to dave and start playing this game with him**

**EB: oh? what game?**

**GG: sburb! duh what else!**

**EB: what, i thought you didn't even know what sburb was!**

**GG: oh jeez i was asleep when i said that silly!**

**GG: of course i know what it is**

**EB: oh ok.**

**EB: where did you even get it?**

**GG: from the ruins**

**GG: its daves copy**

**EB: wow.**

**EB: the thing you just said doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense.**

**GG: i know right! hehehe**

**GG: oh!**

**GG: that reminds me since im setting the game up with dave to be his server you are going to need to do the same thing for me**

**EB: oh really?**

**EB: this is news to me.**

**GG: can you see from where youre standing the place your dads car would have fallen?**

**EB: oh yeah, i think so. it'll be kind of a long walk though, this place is huge.**

**GG: you should go there and get your copy of the server and set up with me...**

**GG: oh and also get your package! :)**

**EB: okay.**

**EB: wait, how did you know my dad's car fell down here?**

**GG: johhhhn will you stop trying to trap me!**

**GG: you TOLD me the car fell remember?**

**GG: jeeeez**

**EB: jeeeeeeeeeeez!**

**GG: JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ! **

**EB: ok fine well color me suspicious anyway.**

**EB: miss knowitall mcpsychicpants.**

**GG: john im not any more psychic than you though**

**EB: ok sure i am convinced.**

**EB: you have convinced me. **

**EB: (PSYCHIC PSYCHIC PSYCHIC)**

**EB: also i told you the package was in the car but i never mentioned that the game was there too.**

**EB: so kind of totally busted i guess.**

**EB: GIVE ME A P**

**EB: GIVE ME AN S**

**GG: hahahaha oops ok!**

**GG: i mean i know lots of things but im really serious its no more information than what you have access to **

**GG: but you dont know it yet**

**GG: anyway we can talk more about it soon...**

**GG: i wont have to be so coy with you anymore because im pretty sure most of the stuff that was supposed to happen has already happened**

**GG: i couldnt tell you about it because it would have messed it up!**

**EB: ok, that is fair.**

**GG: just give me a few minutes while i set up this game!**

**GG: and say hi to the salamanders for me**

**GG: 3**

"Oh shiiiiit," John drawled. One of the trolls was pestering him again.


	29. Book 2 Chapter 13: More Trolls

Chapter 13: More Trolls

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**TG: hey**

**TG: will you open your laptop already**

**TG: see**

**TG: this is why you need a phone or something**

**TG: that alerts you to important messages**

**TG: instead of leaving them trapped **

**TG: under three inches of fucking yarn **

**TG: laptops dont need cozies**

**TG: nothing needs cozies**

**TG: cozy is a goddamn adjective**

**TG: maybe ill crochet myself an iphone snuggly**

**TG: what is this place anyway**

**TG: what are you doing**

**TG: i can see your whole damn house here if you want to get filled in or something im sort of the guy with the big picture here**

**TG: dont make me bop you on the head with a wizard**

**TG: ill do it**

**TG: ok no i wont**

**TG: yet**

**TG: i guess ill bone up on the faq for a while**

**TG: so i dont do anything stupid and deploy like 10 crux flangers and fuck up the whole game**

**TG: oh my god**

**TG: so many words**

**TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something**

**TG: damn**

**TG: i cant read this shit im sorry**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**GG: yo yooooooo!**

**TG: whoa ok hey**

**GG: so youre finally playing the game with rose?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: but she wont answer me**

**GG: shes probably just exploring im sure she will come around soon...**

**GG: but its great that you got her out of there in time!**

**TG: pretty much you have no idea how much i fuckin own at this game**

**TG: i bested no less than three flaming tornados and broke a huge wizard**

**GG: so how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO**

**GG: mister braveybrave mcheropants**

**TG: it feels like**

**TG: i am in sports**

**TG: all alone**

**TG: and i am the star**

**TG: its me**

**TG: and then the big man comes**

**GG: hehehe **

**GG: but it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of basket ball this man plays!**

**GG: ummmm...**

**GG: the HOOP IS ON FIRE...**

**GG: ok i forget how it goes**

**TG: no you got it**

**TG: we're good**

**TG: reference secured**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: so now it is my turn to be the star!**

**GG: i will be your hero**

**GG: its me**

**TG: wait what**

**GG: i installed the game!**

**GG: im connecting to you as the server player**

**TG: oh man**

**TG: this is ridiculous**

**TG: i just set this shit up with rose and now i got to do like**

**TG: some double duty thing**

**TG: i mean i own at the game and all but cant i just relax for half a second**

**GG: dont worry!**

**GG: you can keep playing with rose while i just set up a few things**

**GG: i figured id get a good head start to avoid all the drama you guys are always getting into **

**GG: such a bunch of drama queens!**

**TG: what**

**TG: look i was getting my ass handed to me by my bro on the roof for like an hour and a half**

**TG: i got served like a dude on butler island**

**GG: (DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA)**

**TG: wait does this mean theres a big meteor coming soon**

**GG: yes!**

**TG: when you activate the thing will it start the countdown and summon the meteor**

**GG: itll come when it comes regardless of what we do**

**GG: the timer really just lets you know when its coming**

**TG: are you totally sure about all this**

**GG: yes look here it is!**

**GG: **** /d7kXrQ**

**TG: ok yes that image is definitely conclusive proof of something and is 100% understandable by anyone who looks at it**

**TG: how big is this thing**

**GG: it is REALLY REALLY big**

**TG: like the size of rhode island or texas or what**

**TG: i need some context to know how much crap i should be shitting into my pants**

**GG: ok i dont actually know :(**

**TG: well as if like one the size of a bus wouldnt kill me anyway**

**GG: hehe yeah...**

**TG: wait hold on rose is finally opening her stupid laptop**

**TG: so do your thing i guess**

**TG: have fun**

**GG: thanks i will! 3**

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**CG: HEY JOHN.**

**CG: CALM THE HELL DOWN.**

**EB: aaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhhhhhh!**

**EB: how did you find me?**

**CG: FIND YOU?**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.**

**EB: i changed my chum handle to ditch you guys.**

**EB: how did you find me?**

**CG: OH.**

**CG: HA HA!**

**CG: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

**CG: THIS IS THE LITTLE WORD HUMANS SAY REPEATEDLY WHEN SOMETHING TICKLES THEIR ABSURDITY PALATE, RIGHT?**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: lame.**

**CG: WE NEVER LOST YOU.**

**CG: YOUR RUSE DIDN'T FOOL US.**

**CG: IT JUST SO HAPPENS WE DIDN'T PARTICULARLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TALKING TO YOU IN THAT TIMEFRAME.**

**EB: what, the last few months?**

**CG: WE HAVE THE ENTIRE CONTINUUM OF YOUR EXISTENCE TO CHOOSE FROM WHEN CONTACTING YOU.**

**CG: THE PERIOD WAS UNREMARKABLE.**

**CG: SORT OF LIKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. BUT I GUESS I MEAN IT WAS ESPECIALLY UNREMARKABLE.**

**CG: THIS HAS BEEN EXPLAINED TO YOU SO OFTEN IT WOULD MAKE ME SICK TO MY HUMAN STOMACH IF I HAD ONE OF YOUR HUMAN STOMACHS.**

**EB: ok, this time i'll believe you that you aren't human.**

**EB: because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin i guess.**

**EB: but you're still a major asshole and i don't actually want to talk to you, so bye.**

**CG: WAIT.**

**CG: BUT I'M NOT HERE TO TROLL YOU THIS TIME.**

**CG: WE'RE FRIENDS OK?**

**EB: hahahahahaha!**

**EB: oh man, look at this outburst of little human words i'm saying!**

**EB: from my human mouth!**

**CG: FINE YOU CAN THINK I'M A FUCKING DOUCHE AND MAYBE I AM BUT HERE'S THE FACT, IDIOT.**

**CG: I'VE ALREADY HAD LOTS OF CONVERSATIONS WITH YOU.**

**CG: IN THE FUTURE. I MEAN YOUR FUTURE.**

**CG: I'VE KIND OF BEEN WORKING BACKWARDS HERE FOR A WHILE. **

**CG: AND IT'S A LITTLE FRUSTRATING.**

**CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK YOU KNOW LESS AND LESS, AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I SAID BECAUSE IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET.**

**CG: AND I HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF A LOT.**

**CG: AND I'M GETTING PRETTY FUCKING SICK OF IT.**

**EB: that's the dumbest thing i've ever heard.**

**CG: WELL IT'S NOT LIKE I MAPPED OUT THIS TROLLING ONSLAUGHT VERY WELL IN ADVANCE.**

**CG: I MEAN, WHEN YOU TROLL SOMEONE YOU JUST SORT OF DO IT. YOU DON'T START DRAWING FLOWCHARTS AND DIAGRAMS AND STUFF.**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: you have something to do with this game, don't you?**

**EB: i should have known.**

**CG: OH GOD. **

**CG: NOT AGAIN.**

**CG: NO, FUCK NO, I AM JUST NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU AGAIN.**

**CG: YOU'LL GET PLENTY OF DIRT ON ALL THIS FROM ME IN FUTURE CONVERSATIONS.**

**CG: TEDIOUS CONVERSATIONS.**

**CG: ONES I'VE ALREADY HAD WITH YOU.**

**CG: WHERE YOUR DEMEANOR WILL GRADUALLY BECOME INEXPLICABLY AND REVOLTINGLY FRIENDLY TOWARDS US.**

**CG: AND SO I GUESS IT JUST WAS KIND OF INFECTIOUS AND NOW WE'RE ALL BUDDIES I THINK.**

**CG: IT'S REALLY WEIRD.**

**CG: THIS HUMAN EMOTION YOU CALL FRIENDSHIP.**

**EB: friendship isn't an emotion fucknuts.**

**CG: SEE, THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: YOU'RE MUCH MORE TOLERABLE A GUY THAN I THOUGHT AT FIRST, OK JOHN?**

**EB: why are you kissing my ass?**

**EB: what do you want? why don't you just tell me what's going on.**

**EB: are you in the medium?**

**CG: OK, FINE. YES WE ARE.**

**EB: like, here in this land, with the clouds and oil and stuff?**

**CG: MORE OF THIS NARCISSISM.**

**CG: YOU ALWAYS THINK EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND YOU.**

**CG: WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DUMB LITTLE WINDY PLANET OR YOUR PETTY LITTLE QUESTS.**

**CG: OR FOR THAT MATTER YOUR ENTIRE GAME SESSION.**

**CG: YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONES PLAYING THE GAME.**

**CG: EVERY GROUP OF PLAYERS GETS THEIR OWN DISTINCT, BLANK SLATE SESSION.**

**CG: AS WILL BE EXPLAINED TO YOU MANY TIMES.**

**EB: so why don't you just explain it again so i know...**

**EB: so i don't ask so much in the future?**

**CG: NO.**

**CG: FUCK THIS SHIT, JUST NO.**

**CG: I'M ENDING THIS CONVERSATION BECAUSE I'VE SAID IT ALL TOO MANY TIMES.**

**CG: AND BECAUSE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.**

**CG: BECAUSE YOU ARE DUMB.**

**EB: wow, yeah you're totally not trolling me, bro!**

**EB: i see now we are bffs forever.**

**CG: THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DUMB**

**CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.**

**CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN ANIMOSITY IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.**

**EB: oh, ok.**

**EB: so what do you want.**

**CG: I NEED YOU TO TELL YOUR FRIEND JADE TO TALK TO US.**

**CG: SHE WON'T ANSWER OUR MESSAGES IN THIS TIMEFRAME.**

**CG: IT'S IMPORTANT.**

**EB: yeah, i don't blame her for not answering.**

**EB: she pretty much can't stand you guys.**

**EB: because of all the trolling you did before.**

**EB: remember?**

**CG: OK, OUR BAD ON THAT.**

**CG: JUST TELL HER WE'RE SORRY.**

**CG: AND TO GET HER GROSS AND TOTALLY UNATTRACTIVE HUMAN BUTT OFF HER UGLY HUMAN HIGH HORSE AND ANSWER MY MESSAGES.**

**EB: maybe. **

**EB: we'll see.**

**EB: i'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet.**

**EB: but i've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests.**

**EB: so talk to you in the future i guess.**

**EB: jerkface.**

John began the search for his father's car. This was certainly going to be a hike. Wait. There was something up ahead. Through the forest.

WV settled the dispute between PM and AR in the only way he could presently imagine how to settle a dispute. With cans of lukewarm sugary liquid and centuries-old rations. If only they had access to some means of heating things up. But it mattered not. The three carapacians and the firefly warmed themselves in the glow of this human emotion called friendship.

Meteors fell through the burning urban sky of Dave's neighborhood. Jade deployed the Alchemiter onto a broken air conditioning unit on Dave's roof. It was almost as if the thing had been scaled to be a perfect fit for the SBURBan contraption all along. Weird! She proceeded to attempt to deploy the Cruxtruder in Dave's room. In the meantime, Dave pestered Rose.

**TG: do you think like the pulitzer committee is secretly scouring the dregs of the gamefaq archives or something**

**TG: damn**

**TG: i cant read this shit im sorry**

**TT: Hold please.**

**TG: hold what**

**TG: i see you at your computer typing**

**TG: what are you doing**

**TG: dang**

**TG: hold on**

**TG: no seriously stop talking to me for a second it looks like jade is dropping the doomsday tube thingy in my room**

**TG: brb gotta make sure she doesnt break all my shit**

Dave clicked on Jade's pesterchum icon and began to pester her.

**TG: hey wait**

**GG: these darn birds are in the way!**

**GG: what are they doing in your apartment anyway!**

**GG: also they are adorable**

**TG: i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing**

**GG: ohhhhhhh**

**GG: kind of like all those silly naked puppets are your bros thing?**

**TG: no no thats irony this is like**

**TG: sincere honest to god psychosis**

**TG: im training to be a lame gothy supervillain**

**GG: also i think i cant put it down because of the wires on the floor...**

**TG: ok**

**TG: well maybe you should take the opportunity to put it somewhere that isnt stone cold retarded**

**GG: i wish i played more games**

**GG: this is hard!**

**TG: no its not**

**GG: :P**

**TT: Jade is connected with you?**

**TT: Where did she get the discs?**

**TG: i dont know how does she do any of the loopy batshit nonsense she does**

**TG: maybe she pulled them out of the volcano over there on bloodmonkey mountain**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: So you mean to tell me she was able to connect with you in a timely fashion, without waiting until you were on the brink of annihilation?**

**TG: we went over this**

**TG: i was a little bogged down**

**TG: in the epic swaddle of legendary puppet taint**

**TT: I've done nothing but wait for boys to play this game with me all day.**

**TT: First John lollygagging with the client, and then you with the server, downright filibustering my existence with unending fraternal melee.**

**TT: And yet a girl, one who didn't even own the game, was able to connect with you minutes after you connected with me.**

**TG: whoa wait**

**TG: what the hell is she doing**

**TG: shes taking my bed what the hell**

**TT: And there she goes.**

**TT: She HAS the karma.**

Jade picked up Dave's bed and placed it on the roof. She then put the Cruxtruder in its place.

**TG: so seriously what were you doing just now**

**TT: I was talking to someone.**

**TG: who**

**TT: You remember the trolls?**

**TG: yeah**

**TT: One of them messaged me, so I indulged him/her/it for a moment.**

**TG: oh i see you opted to chat up one of those dbags instead of talk to the guy who saved you from a swirling shitstorm of angry flaming wizards**

**TG: i was worried your priorities might have been out of whack but no i was dead wrong**

**TT: I also took a moment to check on John.**

**TG: how is he**

**TT: I can't see him anymore. Just his empty house.**

**TT: But I did talk to him briefly.**

**TG: i should probably text him soon**

**TG: see whats up**

**TG: because**

**TG: i love him**

**TT: I know.**

**TG: so this place youre at now**

**TG: its the same place hes at right**

**TT: It's hard to say for certain.**

**TT: But I think I like it here.**

Jade replaced Bro's television with the Totem Lathe, trapping a few smuppets underneath it in the process. This whole place was a disorganized mess. It kind of reminded her of her own room, but full of weird and ironic stuff instead of cute and great stuff. She thought her stuff was so much better.

Jade was pretty sure these were all Dave's Bro's puppets. She'd better not mess with them. Frankly his brother made her a little nervous.

What the apartment needed, though, was a woman's touch. Jade grabbed a towel she'd found lying around and dampened it with water from the toilet. This was how ordinary people cleaned their houses, right? Oops, she dropped it completely into the toilet. She grabbed hold of the towel and pulled it out. Except she pulled not only the towel, but also the toilet and part of the floor.

**GG: oh fuck!**

Rose stood atop her house, looking out at the world she'd arrived on. Unlike John, she'd arrived directly on the surface. Her house sat on an island in the middle of a giant rainbow-colored lake. Clouds floated across the surface, interestingly low to the ground. The clouds poured rainbow-colored water relentlessly in the form of rain. She looked up at the sun. It shone down on her, a bright beacon in a bright world. This planet was known as the Land of Light and Rain, commonly abbreviated as LOLAR. She was certainly not where John was.

The Aimless Renegade cautiously sipped a can of TAB. Blech. Too warm. He needed to find something to chill this down with. And he would have liked his delicious gravy a bit warmer as well. Oh wait! AR excused himself for a moment to retrieve a few of his personal belongings, the mystical artifacts he'd found in the ruins. They were sure to impress his visitors. He climbed into the temple and grabbed the Refrigerator as well as the Cookalizer.

That musty old toy on the floor, the two absurd ocean creatures intertwined together, ought to make a nice peace offering for the tall feisty one too, AR thought. He was quite certain that ladies liked squishy useless things like that.

WV watched as the Aimless Renegade slogged off to his frog temple. The tall mail carrier with the lovely white complexion would probably get a kick out of his big computer with the weird boy on it, he thought. He showed her into his capsule.

The hole blown into his station by the caution guy's rocket led into the third room, which had been locked. Unsurprisingly there was another sort of gizmo in here and he had no idea what it did. The station, though, was very low on power so he didn't think he'd be able to find out.

The Mayor escorted PM into the rotating room and went to the computer room. There he was! The funny boy he'd been talking about. His name was John. He encouraged his alabaster friend to say hi to him using the human keypad communication system.

But instead she took note of the Mayor's nice chalk drawings and paid him a compliment. WV was somewhat mystified by the fact that she was more impressed with his silly drawings than his amazing technology. Maybe simple things were the key to the heart of a lady. He did not know because he did not know anything about ladies really. They were a riddle draped in a mystery wrapped in post-apocalyptic shroudwear.

WV decided to give her the chalk. She was grateful for the colorful present and thought it looked fun. Serenity blinked excitedly. "-.- .- -.-!" (Yay!)

Suddenly, a powerful aroma hit the Mayor's nonexistent nostrils. Someone was cooking something delicious. It demanded investigation.

PM stopped and examined the kind mayor's device. It was quite similar to the one in her station, before the unfortunate accident. The one with the familiar-looking girl on it. Perhaps this one was best left alone. Still, there was something familiar about the boy on this monitor as well. She hesitated, but eventually began to type.

I am told your name is John. Is that correct? Yep, that would be correct.

It's nice to meet you, John.

"Seer." A voice came through the air to Rose's ear. Had someone said something?

"Seer, can you hear me?" Apparently she could. Though usually, she went by the name Rose.

"Have a look around, Rose." Rose stepped into her observatory and peered through the panoramic window at the bright light and the rainbow-colored water.

"You have much to discover." Rose smirked. She did indeed.


	30. Book 2 Chapter 14: The Car

Chapter 14: The Car

John went over the black goo river and through the glowing tree woods to find… well, not Grandmother's house, per se, but certainly some houses. Except they were burning. Salamanders blew bubbles all around in panic as three imps, two tar basilisks, and one giant copper giclops attacked their village. Oh. This was not good. This was very not good.

Jade lay asleep on the right side of her bed. Her dreambot emerged from its container, sat on the other side of the bed, and picked up where Jade had left off.

She dropped Dave's toilet onto the Cruxtruder. Water went everywhere, the Cruxtruder's lid went flying, and the timer starting counting down from 4 hours and 13 minutes. An orange kernelsprite emerged.

**TG: this is the worst shitting thing ive ever seen**

**TG: the thing that just happened**

**GG: hi dave!**

**TG: jesus**

**TG: and the worst thing is**

**TG: all that juice i drank**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: you just HAD TO FIGURE all that juice was going to come back to haunt me**

**TG: like frankensteins incontinent fucking ghost**

**TG: it was like**

**TG: chekhovs juice**

**GG: hehehe what?**

**TG: let me be perfectly clear**

**TG: what i am trying to say is**

**TG: its like fucking christmas up in my bladder here**

**TG: and where do i find my toilet**

**TG: oh look here it is**

**TG: amputated in my room**

**TG: gagged with a towel like a fucking prison hostage**

**TG: and now the cruxploder is counting down**

**TG: 4 hours oh i guess thats not that bad**

**GG: 4 hours until what?**

**TG: what**

**TG: oh god**

**TG: are you asleep**

**GG: ummm...**

**GG: i...**

**GG: i think i might be!**

**TG: ok**

**TG: ok lets just**

**TG: not panic here**

**GG: im not panicking i feel fine!**

**TG: lets try to play it cool**

**TG: and not break all my shit**

**TG: also dont put anything weird in the seizure kernel**

**TG: im going to go find somewhere to pee**

**TG: dont watch me ok**

**GG: _;**

**TG: like i know you dream about me enough already**

**TG: lets keep some shit left to the imagination ok**

**GG: i wont look ok jeez!**

**TG: the last thing i need is for your weird brain webcam to be snapping shots of my dong**

**TG: your grandpa was a sick fuck why would he build a voyeurbot for a little girl**

**TG: fuck**

**GG: stop being a huge baby and go peeeeee!**

Dave held the apple juice bottle in front of him. He began to hatch a brilliant plan. Okay, first he'd pee in the bottle like a sick Howie Mandel monster thing. Once he was done he'd captchalogue the bottle and send the code to Egbert and tell him it was something really important. And then John would make it and be like, oh man yes apple juice I am so thirsty! But he would not be drinking delicious juice, oh no. He would be choking down a world of hot piss and it would serve him right for liking all those dumbass movies unironically.

But that all sounded like a big waste of time so he just went in the shower, making sure to kick the puppet that was in there out.

**GG: oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**GG: :(**

**GG: dave**

**TG: what**

**GG: :(**

**TG: what is it**

**GG: dave this poor bird**

**TG: what bird**

**GG: the one with the sword through it!**

**TG: i wouldnt know anything about that**

**GG: but isnt this your sword?**

**TG: that could be anyones sword**

**GG: :|**

**TG: what does it look like**

**TG: is it a cheap piece of shit**

**TG: cause i only bother with high quality blades**

**TG: forged by stoic asian masters**

**TG: hells of rude kinds of expensive**

**GG: all i know is...**

**GG: its sharp and its through a bird and its a sword**

**GG: end of story!**

**GG: i am going to help the poor bird**

**TG: wait**

**TG: what do you mean**

**TG: dammit hold on a minute**

Jade picked up the dead bird with her green cursor and put the weird thing in the seizure kernel, just like Dave had specifically said not to.

Dave finished using the bathroom and returned to his room only to find the kernelsprite prototyped with the bird.

**TG: wow awesome**

**TG: so now i guess instead having of a wise or helpful spirit guide sprite thing**

**TG: im stuck with this brainless feathery asshole**

**GG: what do you mean i just brought the cute birdie back to life!**

**GG: isnt he great?**

**TG: we need to wake you up**

**TG: youre not very logical like this**

**TG: kind of dumb really**

**GG: gosh im SOOOO SOOOORRY!**

**GG: i was tired!**

**TG: yeah but come on you sleep like 20 hours a day**

**GG: well you are out of luck...**

**GG: i will wake up when im good and ready!**

**TG: where are you sitting**

**TG: are you on your bed**

**GG: yes why**

**TG: what side**

**GG: ummmmmm...**

**GG: the right side...**

**GG: why?**

**TG: ok heres what i want you to do**

**TG: just humor me**

**TG: raise your left hand**

**GG: okaaay...**

**TG: now**

**TG: just kind of swat the air to your left**

**GG: …**

Dream Jade raised her left hand and swatted the air to her left. Jade was knocked to the floor from the painful robo-slap.

AR had used some gunpowder and empty crates to make a campfire. The Mayor and the Renegade sat around the fire, eating vegetables and meat, respectively, which they'd gotten from the Refrigerator.

PM left the capsule and walked over to where the other carapacians sat by the campfire. AR stood and held out the tangle buddies. He pulled them apart and handed one of the squiddles to the mail lady.

WV watched this exchange, his head moving back and forth between the two of them. Serenity frowned. She knew that this exchange was certainly heartbreaking for the Mayor.

PM was vaguely reminded of something, looking down at the squiddle doll. It was hard to remember. It had been so many years ago…

So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique, smoke poured out of a totaled car on the surface of LOWAS. An arm stuck out of one of the pipes, but disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Near this pipe stood a black carapacian dressed in jesters' clothing. What had we here? An illegally parked vehicle. The carapacian sure hoped the owner had a swollen porkhollow because he'd just landed himself in citation city.

AR (was it?) surrounded the crime scene with caution tape. There we go. This was much more orderly. Public safety had been assured. His sworn duty as an Authority Regulator had been upheld. The Authority Regulator (AR) wrote the owner of the vehicle a 10,000 boonbuck parking ticket. He put it in the windshield and… oh, what had we here? He discovered a couple of unauthorized parcels in the shotgun seat of the vehicle. He confiscated them immediately.

At the same time, a simple Parcel Mistress (PM) walked along one of her routes. Today was another day of uneventful but highly satisfying deliveries. She stopped in her tracks. There, across from her, stood the Authority Regulator, a dangerous agent from the enemy kingdom. Perhaps she should avoid him. But… in her hand she held a note written in green ink. It said something about delivering one of those parcels that AR was holding. It looked liked she'd need to get that package somehow.

John smashed one of the tar basilisks repeatedly with the wrinklefucker and the other with the Telescopic Sassacrusher. After about half a minute of this, they were both still had almost full health. Sons of bitches were harder to kill than he'd thought they'd be.

The copper giclops pulled the Telescopic Sassacrusher from John's ghost hand and one of the tar basilisks scooped the boy into their mouths. Great.

Suddenly there was an explosion and the tar basilisk that had been holding John in its mouth turned into a bunch of grist and goo. Again and the other tar basilisk exploded as well. The crosshairs of a gun turned towards the eye of the copper giclops and shot it, exploding the ocular device and leaving the giclops reeling. The foul creature absconded. The imps and salamanders scattered the hell out of the area.

A figure with glasses, a safari hat, and a moustache, appeared with a gun but turned and left just as quickly. He was carrying a copy of the Sassacre text… wait… that was _his_ copy of the Sassacre text... but he vanished into the wild unknown of LOWAS, amidst the glowing trees and imp goo rivers, through the forest, before John had a chance to ask his name.

It was a clear and peaceful night. A delicious meal had been shared with friends. The glow of the ammunition fire gradually subsided. All was well. But PM just couldn't shake the feeling that all this was familiar somehow. That there was something she was forgetting…

She looked up and saw a spirograph on the temple. That logo… oh, of course! She remembered now! She had to deliver a message to John immediately. PM ran off to WV's capsule. AR and the Mayor looked at each other.

"Women," they said simultaneously.

The Parcel Mistress concluded she had no choice. She'd march right up to him and ask politely for the package. Wait a minute… what was that? One of the Parcel Pyxides (that's the plural of Pyxis) dumped a minitablet at her feet. The carving on it was not especially clear in the least, but her wealth of delivery experience allowed her to decipher it immediately.

It said "ugh crappy sorry" and had an image of the other item that AR was carrying. Below it said "~john". It appeared that she would need to acquire both parcels from the Regulator now. It was her sworn duty.

PM did not have a sword. She was quite sure it would never occur to her to carry a sword or resort to violence under any circumstances. She'd have to take a more diplomatic route with this fellow. She approached him cautiously.

AR doffed his hat as the tall, attractive female approached. He doffed it so furiously he was in danger of starting a hat fire on his head. Probably not the best idea around all this oil. Especially without some sort of flame suppressant handy.  
PM pointed at the parcels but AR shook his head. He could not give them to her. They were illegal contraband, and if she wished to petition for their release, she'd have to consult his superiors. PM showed AR the carved minitablet. As he could plainly see, she had signed authorization to deliver one of the parcels. AR begrudgingly gave her the envelope but retained the green package.

PM quickly dropped the envelope into an empty Pyxis. It was out of her hands now. The Breeze would know where to take it.

She followed the agent as he walked away. She couldn't lose track of that parcel.

John had some questions for that guy, whoever he was, but the village was still burning. He had to help these salamanders put out the fire! Thank goodness for his barbasol bomb. The cooling lather should work its magic in no time at… AHHHH! HOW COULD SHAVING CREAM BE SO FLAMMABLE? The huge explosion burst the roof of the house apart and the fire began to spread. Conveniently, though, a big gust of wind came along and blew out the fire. It was really very convenient.

The townspeople rejoiced and were more than willing to give John all the credit. He suspected it was probably because they were not all that smart.

"John, you have an uncarved tablet, do you not?" came the voice in his head. Why yes, it appeared that John did. Why, may I ask?

"I would like you to carve something on it." John seemed amenable to this request. It was a little wobbly up on top of all these dancing lizards though. They had picked him up in thanks for his actions as a savior. Not that it mattered anyway. He sucked at drawing.

"Rose, find your sprite," came the voice. Rose looked around but saw the sprite nowhere.

"Your deceased pet, you wished to speak with him, did you not?" Jaspersprite was nowhere to be found. He'd always been a little cagey, even when alive.

"Is it not why you are here?" the voice asked her. She supposed it was. Someone was pestering her, but she was oblivious to the message because her laptop was buried under three inches of fucking yarn. There were footprints in the white sand by her house.

"Follow them." Rose did. It looked like they led out back to the mausoleum. Her Mom, maybe?

"Examine your pet's tomb." The mausoleum had been destroyed by the explosion, but the secret passage remained. Rose had no idea where it led, but it sure wasn't the lab anymore.

She and Mutie climbed down and peered into the depths of the tunnel. Colors flashed around them.

At the end of the tunnel was… light? The girl and the cat stepped onto a little pier, where it seemed someone had recently untied a boat. And left their alcoholic beverage on the shore. Rose's Mom, no doubt, had left to explore the world.

"A mother will do whatever is best for her children," the voice said. Rose nodded solemnly and looked out into the rainbow distance.

WV built a bigger and better town to preside over. All expatriates were welcome, no matter what had happened in the past, regardless of professional persuasion or metallurgical affiliation. He cut the ribbon to Exile Town as its new mayor with an official judicial bayonet, which was stuck inside a grenade but he was kind of nervous about removing it. This should catch the eye of the tall nice lady. The grumpy yellow guy thought it was dumb.

He thought it was dumb because any town without a proper militia was as good as conquered. As such AR prepared one begrudgingly. It was a dirty job, but someone had to be charged with the defence of the innocent.

WV fondly regarded the desert night. The stars twinkled over the freshly christened Exile Town. It was a beautiful evening and the future was so full of promise he couldn't imagine what could possibly oh my god a huge eggy looking thing just appeared in the sky.

The eggy thing crashed into the ground across from the temple and the three carapacians shook from the impact. EGG!

Jade gave Dave the punch card of an eggy loking thing [sic]. He made a totem with it, but it on the Alchemiter, a bird appeared, and then… EGG! But seriously, why had Jade put the Alchemiter up on this air conditioner? He pestered her about it.

**TG: oh man**

**TG: awesome**

**TG: its awesome where you put that**

**TG: i was worried we were on the verge of getting some shit done**

**GG: duuurrrrr dave i was going to build some stairs up there durrrrrhhhhhh**

**TG: well where are they**

**TG: you say there will be stairs**

**TG: and yet**

**TG: i see no stairs**

**GG: gosh i dont know i guess i didnt find the time to make them because i keep getting punched in the face by robots and stuff!**

**TG: sorry**

**GG: ;p**

**TG: am i supposed to break that thing**

**TG: or hatch it**

**TG: or what**

**GG: i dont know!**

**TG: also what happened to all my shit**

**TG: the stuff scattered all over the roof**

**TG: did you put it somewhere**

**GG: nope...**

**TG: i mean not that i care**

**TG: it was a lot of mostly useless garbage**

**GG: what was it doing up here?**

**TG: i was going to use it to fight my bro with**

**TG: but i guess i forgot in the heat of battle**

**TG: also he was too fast**


	31. Book 2 Chapter 15: Another Troll

Chapter 15: Another Troll

Dave decided to make the world's largest omelette with the giant egg, but before that dumb idea could come to fruition, his brainless feathery asshole of a sprite swooped down and carried the egg up to its nest atop the spire on the apartment building. Oh, so that was where his stuff had gone.

**TG: ok so**

**TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass**

**TG: please advise**

**GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it!**

**GG: awww**

**TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours**

**GG: hmm...**

**GG: i dont know it looks like its pretty warm where you are**

**TG: its hot as the sizzle side of the steak**

**GG: maybe not too long then?**

**GG: i guess we'll find out!**

**TG: maybe i should try to get it back**

**TG: and put it in the microwave**

**GG: :(**

Jade dropped the microwave out the window and it fell to the pavement far below. She attempted to deploy the Punch Designix, but she couldn't. She'd need some shale for that. She then rolled over the other objects in the Phernalia Registry. There was a Jumper Block Extension, which cost 1,000 build grist; a CD (100 build grist); a Punch Card Shunt (10 build grist); a Holopad (10,000); and an Intellibeam Laserstation (100,000 build grist).

**GG: ok some of these things we can deploy but some things we dont have nearly enough grist for!**

**TG: you mean the jumper block thing**

**GG: no no weve got enough for that...**

**GG: but its still pretty expensive**

**TG: wait what**

**TG: the thing costs 1000 for me**

**GG: yeah me too!**

**GG: and we have 2000 to work with**

Well, not exactly true. She'd lost 2 build grist from moving Dave's toilet.

**GG: ok 1998 ._.**

**TG: what**

**TG: man i only got 200 to splash around with in roses rainbow world**

**TG: what the hell**

**GG: ohhh...**

**GG: how much did rose start with? when she was playing with john?**

**TG: hang on ill ask**

**GG: k**

**TG: she says 20**

**GG: i guess we keep getting more with each server/client connection!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: so i guess you can buy everything now**

**GG: no!**

**GG: i cant buy the holopad thingy and the intellibeam laserstation**

**TG: ok now i know youre making this shit up**

**GG: hahahaha no theyre right here!**

**GG: they cost a fortune**

**TG: well all i got here is the designix which i cant deploy cause i dont have any purples**

**TG: and the expensive as hell jumper thing and the cheap shunts which i assume do dick all without the jumpers to put em on**

**TG: oh also this cd which is 100 but i didnt drop cause it seemed like a stiff allocation of resources for now**

**GG: yeah ive got that too!**

**GG: i will deploy it**

**TG: so with each new connection in our player chain i guess new weird deployables are introduced**

**GG: yes i think that is how it works**

**GG: when john connects with me he will probably get some cool new things too!**

**TG: hey look we're learning stuff**

Jade placed the compact disc on the roof in front of Dave.

**TG: what should i do with these beta copies**

**TG: i dont really need them anymore**

**GG: i suppose just hang on to them for a while...**

**GG: and then later**

**GG: just do whatever you are naturally compelled to do with them!**

**TG: wow that was a weird answer**

**TG: but ok**

Dave captchalogued the Beta and the CD.

Jade attempted to deploy the circuit board looking thingy, which had obviously been labeled as the Jumper Block Extension. It appeared, though, to be deployable only as an extension to the Alchemiter, and it wasn't able to do that without floating in the air and disobeying the laws of physics. Apparently the game didn't allow for the laws of physics to be broken because the cursor turned red and didn't allow for Jade to place the contraption.

It looked like she'd have to move the Alchemiter. Damn, it'd looked nice up there! She expended another relatively affordable 100 build grist to relocate it, placing it next to the broken air conditioning unit instead of on it this time. She then paid the steep fee of 1,000 build grist to deploy the Jumper Block Extension.

She then attempted to deploy the captchalogue disk drive. Again, the name had been in plain sight in the Phernalia Registry. She deployed the Punch Card Shunt for peanuts. It looked like a captchalogue card was supposed to fit in the slot.

Dave put the card with the CD in it on the slot and stuck the shunt on the jumper pins. Nothing happened. He might need to stick a punched card in there, probably allowing the holes in the card to affect the flow of the current through the circuits. And to punch cards he needed to get a Designix somehow.

Dave took the steps down two at a time and reentered his room. He sat at his desk and inserted the CD into his computer. He watched as Rose attacked some imps with her knitting needles.

Ah, here we were… ! Dave saw the three current players' loot. John had 13,800 build grist, 10,862 shale, 4058 tar, 1890 mercury, and 322 cobalt. Rose had 154 build grist and 22 chalk. Dave had 788 build grist.

Dave started leeching off of John's shale at a rate of 4 g/s. Not the fastest download rate, but then again he didn't need a whole lot. In one second he'd already collected enough for a Punch Designix. He then set the application to leech of John's build grist because he clearly had too much for his own good. It cut the download rate in half though. 2 g/s for the shale and 2 g/s for the build grist.

"You guide the heir. Consult with him." Rose pestered John while Dave and one of the trolls pestered her.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**EB: rose?**

**EB: are you there?**

**EB: i went through the gate, nanna said you might be here too.**

**EB: are you in kind of this spooky glowy place with oily rivers and stuff?**

**EB: let me know ok. **

**TT: I guess one could use those words to describe it.**

**TT: If armed with a predilection for the inapt. **

**EB: bluh bluh bluuuuuhhhhh.**

**EB: ok, what words would you use, miss wordypants mcsmartybluh.**

**TT: Eerily iridescent?**

**EB: umm...**

**TT: I certainly don't see any oily rivers.**

**TT: There's an ocean though.**

**EB: i haven't found an ocean yet.**

**EB: but i dunno, the place is really big.**

**EB: it's like a whole planet down here.**

**EB: oh man, which reminds me.**

**EB: i just got hounded by a troll.**

**TT: Yes, one of them is bugging me now.**

**TT: I thought it was odd timing.**

**EB: yeah well, they say they want to be friends, also they're playing sburb but like not the same session as ours or something.**

**EB: oh also they're moving backwards in time, which sounds really retarded, but whatever.**

**TT: Color my curiosity piqued, I guess.**

**EB: yeah, i guess answer him if you want. or not.**

**EB: but anyway, it's great you made it here alive and stuff!**

**EB: so dave came through?**

**TT: Eventually.**

**TT: Pardon the envy I'm about to vent in your direction.**

**EB: for what?**

**TT: For finding yourself at the mercy of a rational orchestrator.**

**EB: oh, haha.**

**EB: yeah, i'd feel kinda weird if dave was watching me too.**

**TT: You don't feel weird when I watch you?**

**EB: rose i feel weird when you're just TALKING to me, when you're watching me it's just like the weird frosting on the big weirdo cake.**

**TT: I can't see you now, for what it's worth.**

**EB: yes i'm freeeeeeeeee :D**

**EB: ok, i'm going to go over this river and through these woods.**

**EB: you talk to your troll i guess.**

**EB: we'll compare notes later.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Bye, John.**

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]****began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**GC: H3Y L4LOND3**

**GC: STOP CRY1NG 1N YOUR MOMS B3V3R4G3 **

**GC: SH3 H4T3S YOU 4ND H4S L3FT YOU FOR3V3R**

**GC: H3H3H3H 8D**

**TT: Now I'm confused. **

**TT: On the surface, this appears to be another contrivance from a troll desperate to offend. **

**TT: But John said you wanted to be friends. **

**TT: And if you knew me, I suppose your remark could be construed as a ploy to elicit agreement. **

**TT: And soon, rapport. **

**TT: Not that it would actually work. **

**GC: GOD**

**GC: YOU R34LLY DO T4LK TOO MUCH**

**TT: So which is it? **

**GC: OOOOOOOOOH**

**GC: YOUR T3XT SM3LLS GOOD**

**GC: 1S TH4T L4V3ND3R**

**TT: You smell words? **

**GC: YOU DONT?**

**TT: Right. Aliens, I forgot. **

**GC: Y3S 1TS 34SY TO FORG3T**

**GC: G1V3N OUR "R4PPORT"**

**GC: 4ND HOW MUCH W3 R34LLY H4V3 1N COMMON**

**GC: 1 FORG3T TH4T YOU HUM4NS 4CTU4LLY COMMUN1C4T3 W1TH SP33CH 1NST34D OF R3L34SING CLOUDS OF FR4GR4NT G4S3S**

**GC: 4ND SM3LL1NG 3ACH OTH3RS S3NT3NC3S**

**TT: Gross. **

**GC: 4H4H4H4 SO GULL1BL3**

**GC: YOULL B3L13V3 4NYTH1NG 1 T3LL YOU**

**GC: OF COURS3 W3 T4LK DUMMY 8]**

**TT: Still not sure if I'm being courted or trolled here. **

**GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO W1TH TH3 LATT3R**

**GC: 1 H4T3 YOU 4LL QU1T3 4 LOT**

**GC: BUT 1 TH1NK**

**GC: TH3 OTH3RS W1LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 TH4T 1TLL B3 MUTU4LLY B3N3F1C14L FOR US 4LL TO WORK TOG3TH3R**

**GC: 4ND SO TH3YLL PROB4BLY B3 4LL FR13NDLY L1KE L4T3R ON**

**TT: By later on, you mean now? **

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: TH4TS PROB4BLY WH4T JOHN W4S H34RING**

**GC: 4ND M4YBE TH3YLL 3V3N M34N 1T 4ND W4NT TO B3 FR13NDLY**

**GC: BUT 1 1NT3ND TO ST4Y P1SS3D 4T YOU FOR3V3R**

**GC: 3V3N 1F 1 S33M H3LPFUL**

**TT: Then you're in luck. **

**TT: Because you don't. **

**GC: H3H3 NO BUT 1 W1LL BE**

**GC: TH3 F4CT TH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3LPFUL**

**GC: 1S 4N 1MMUT4BL3 F4CT 1 4M ST4T1NG FOR TH3 R3CORD**

**GC: 1T DO3S NOT M34N FR13NDSH1P 1S WH4T 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 H3R3**

**TT: John was told you were moving backwards through time. **

**TT: Was he gullible to believe this? **

**TT: Or is the fact that I'm asking just further indication of my own gullibility? **

**TT: Feel free to continue shifting the definition of the word to suit your convenience. **

**GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N B33N T4LK1NG TO YOU FOR LONG**

**GC: L1K3 4 F3W M1NUT3S FROM MY P3RSP3CT1V3**

**GC: 1F TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 OF US WHO D3C1D3D TO ST4RT T4LK1NG TO YOU 4T TH3 3ND OF YOUR 4DV3NTUR3 R1GHT OFF TH3 B4T**

**GC: 1NST34D OF 4T THE B3G1NN1NG L1K3 WH4TS LOG1C4L**

**GC: TH3N TH4TS TH31R STUP1D BUS1NESS**

**GC: 1M ST4Y1NG L1N34R**

**GC: C4US3 W31RD T1M3 STUFF G1V3S ME A H34D4CHE**

**GC: OH 4LSO 1TS PO1NTL3SS**

**TT: Alright, let's continue milking my human gullibility and say I believe you. You're the sensible one who's decided to communicate with us in linear lockstep with our timeline in order to help us out. **

**TT: How can you help me? **

**GC: YOU JUST 3NT3R3D YOUR M3D1UM R1GHT**

**TT: Yes. **

**GC: OK**

**GC: DO3S 1T S33M L1K3 TH3R3 1S A SUBTL3 VO1C3 1N YOUR H34D URG1NG YOU TO DO TH1NGS**

**TT: Yes. **

**TT: It's not so subtle, actually. **

**GC: Y3S! 8O**

**GC: FOR M3 TOO 1T W4S MOR3 LOUD 4ND CL34R TH4N FOR TH3 OTH3RS**

**GC: YOU S33 W3 4R3 M34NT TO B3 B3ST H4T3FR13NDS FOR3V3R**

**TT: A beautiful soulgrudge this cosmic was surely authored by the constellations. **

**GC: TH3Y 4LL THOUGHT 1 W4S CR4ZY**

**GC: BUT H4H4H4 1T TURN3D OUT W3 4LL W3R3 1N OUR OWN W4YS**

**GC: TH4T H3LP3D US R34LIZ3 TH3 P4RTICUL4R D3ST1N13S THE G4M3 PUT TOG3TH3R FOR US**

**GC: 1N TH3 VOC4BUL4RY OF L1K3**

**GC: TH3 HYP3R FL3XIBL3 MYTHOLOGY 1T T41LORS TO 34CH PL4Y3R GROUP**

**TT: You mean, for instance... **

**TT: If a player were to learn she was a "Seer"? **

**GC: Y34H 3X4CTLY! S33R OF M1ND P4G3 OF BR34TH KN1GHT OF BLOOD M41D OF T1M3**

**GC: 3TC 3TC 3TC**

**GC: 12 FOR US BUT OBV1OUSLY 4 FOR YOU**

**GC: 3V3RY S3SS1ON 1S D1FF3R3NT**

**TT: And this voice? **

**GC: OH Y34H**

**GC: 1TS 4N 3X1L3**

**TT: Exiled from what? **

**GC: 1T TOOK US FOR3V3R TO F1GUR3 TH1S OUT**

**GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3NT M34NT TO B3 4N OBV1OUS 4SP3CT OF TH3 G4M3**

**GC: TH3YR3 ON YOUR D34D PLAN3T**

**GC: JUST L1K3 TH3YR3 ON OURS**

**GC: Y34RS 4FT3R 1TS R3CKON1NG**

**GC: TH31R ROL3 1S TO H3LP YOU ON YOUR QU3ST 1N SOM3 W4YS**

**GC: TH3 OBV1OUS W4Y 1S BY D1R3CTLY GU1DING YOUR 4CT1ONS **

**GC: BUT M4YB3 TH3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT W4YS 4R3 TH3S3 L1TTL3 TH1NGS TH3Y DO PROB4BLY W1THOUT 3V3N R34L1Z1NG 1T**

**GC: 4CT1ONS TH4T COMPL3T3 LOOPS 1N TH3 T1M3L1NE**

**GC: COGS 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3**

**TT: Paradox space? **

**GC: OH H3LL**

**GC: L1ST3N TH3 UN1V3RS3 W1LL 34T P4R4DOX3S FOR BR34KF4ST**

**GC: 4ND SO W1LL TH1S G4M3**

**GC: G3T US3D TO 1T**

**GC: BY NOW YOU SHOULD R34L1Z3 TH1S WHOL3 M3SS W4S 4 B1G S3LF FULLF1LL1NG CLUST3RFUCK**

**GC: A HUG3 ORG14ST1C MOB1US DOUBL3 R34CH4ROUND**

**TT: I'm starting to see that. **

**TT: So the exiles are on Earth? Does that mean our goal is to get back there too? To resurrect it somehow? **

**GC: NO NO NO**

**GC: S33 1RON1C4LLY TH3Y G3T TO DO TH4T **

**GC: 4FT3R TH3YR3 DON3 H3LP1NG YOU TH4T 1S**

**GC: YOUR JOB 1S OF GR34T3R CONS3QU3NC3 TO S4Y TH3 L34ST**

**GC: BUT P4RT OF TH31R JOB 1S TO R3BU1LD L1F3 4ND C1V1L1Z4T1ON TH3R3**

**GC: 4ND 1F TH3YR3 SUCC3SSFUL 1N THOUS4NDS OR M1LL1ONS OF Y34RS TH3 T3CHNOLOGY 1S UN34RTH3D 4ND TH3 PL4N3T 1S R1P3 FOR S33D1NG 4LL OV3R 4G41N**

**TT: You never answered the question. Where were they exiled from? **

**GC: FROM TH3 TWO K1NGDOMS 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3**

**GC: 3XP4TR14T3D DUR1NG TH3 R3CKON1NG**

**GC: FORM3R 4G3NTS**

**TT: What are agents? **

**GC: 1 TH1NK**

**GC: TH1S W1LL B3 MOR3 CONSTRUCT1V3 **

**GC: 1F 1 CONT4CT YOU 4G41N 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3**

**GC: WH3N YOU KNOW MOR3**

**GC: 4ND 1 DONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N SO MUCH**

**TT: When? **

**GC: 1N 4 COUPL3 OF S3CONDS**

**GC: FOR M3**

**GC: BUT NOT FOR YOU**

**GC: SUCK3R**

**\- gallowsCalibrator****[GC]****ceased trolling tentacleTherapist** **[TT] ****-**


	32. Book 2 Chapter 16: Even More Trolls

Chapter 16: Even More Trolls

While Rose conversed with the troll, the past pulled a mean double reacharound.

**ghostyTrickster [GT]** **began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]**

**GT: hey, happy birthday jade!**

**GG: yay thank you john! :D**

**GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.**

**GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.**

**GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that? you are running me ragged!**

**GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!**

**GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.**

**GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)**

**GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!**

**GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!**

**GT: oh man.**

**GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.**

**GT: ARGH.**

**GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!**

**GT: ok well i hope so.**

**GG: 3...**

**GG: uhhhh hold on**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]**

**CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.**

**CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.**

**CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.**

**GG: what do you want?**

**CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.**

**CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.**

**GG: this is nonsense**

**GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!**

**GG: its so childish**

**CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.**

**CG: I GET THAT.**

**CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU.**

**CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.**

**CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.**

**CG: THAT'S PAST ME.**

**CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?**

**GG: D:**

**GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all...**

**GG: its another prank**

**CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK.**

**CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.**

**CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.**

**CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.**

**CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?**

**GG: no**

**CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.**

**CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?**

**GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?**

**GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions?**

**CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.**

**CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.**

**CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.**

**GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!**

**CG: QUIET.**

**CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.**

**CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.**

**CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.**

**GG: why should i do that?**

**CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.**

**CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.**

**CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]**

**GG: ok im back sorry**

**GG: i had to tell someone to go away!**

**GT: oh god.**

**GT: the trolls again?**

**GG: yup :o**

**GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.**

**GT: it seems like there are so many.**

**GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.**

**GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!**

**GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy**

**GG: i have counted twelve**

**GT: what do they want with us!**

**GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john**

**GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!**

**GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.**

**GG: but i think they are mostly harmless**

**GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe**

**GT: oh wow, what? years?**

**GT: ok, well i am sick of them.**

**GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.**

**GT: so...**

**GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.**

A mysterious gray boy with horns and a gray astrological symbol of Cancer on his otherwise black shirt, sitting at his computer, frowned. He was trying to at least show a bit of compassion towards the humans. Why didn't they fucking get it?

Jade sat on the grass outside. She'd just finished talking with John when the green package from her pen-pal appeared again. She'd been wondering when it was going to show up. It had been months since she'd last worked on it. Hopefully her friend had made the final modifications she required. She'd have to mail it soon so it reached John it time!

At the same time, a troll pestered John.

**\- gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT]** **-**

**GC: H3H3**

**GT: uuuuugh**

**GC: H4H4H**

**GC: H3H3H3H3**

**GT: ?**

**GC: LOL!**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**

**GC: :]**

**GT: well**

**GT: i guess you're not too bad a troll if this is all you do.**

**GT: just laughing and stuff.**

**GC: H33H33H33!**

**GC: H4H4H4H4**

**GT: hehe**

**GC: 4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GT: hehehehehehe**

**GC: JOHN**

**GC: WHY WOULD YOU L4UGH 4T 4 BL1ND G1RL**

**GT: uh...**

**GC: YOU H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW MUCH YOU D1SGUST M3**

**GC: YOUR3 4 TOT4L D1SGR4C3 TO TH3 F13LD OF 3CTOB1OLOGY**

**GC: 1F W3 3V3R M33T**

**GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THRO4T**

**GC: 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU BL33D WH1L3 1 SM3LL YOU D13**

**\- gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT]** **-**

…okay… John thought it was time to change his chumhandle. To what, though? It had to be something they'd never suspect. What was that thing the troll had said he was a disgrace to? John had kind of a hard time reading shitty leetspeak in spite of his awesome hacker cred.

A mysterious gray girl with thick deep red glasses and horns, wearing a turquoise-colored astrological symbol of Libra upon her otherwise black shirt, smiled, exposing sharp carnivorous teeth.

The Parcel Mistress followed the Authority Regulator into enemy territory. It was a risky move and the dark palace made her a little uncomfortable, but it was imperative that she press on and recover that parcel. She'd brought along the parking citation from the car. If confronted, she would say she was only here to deliver payment and leave.

She had no idea where she was going. She passed a black carapacian with a diamond on his suit but was too afraid to ask.

She took a turn somewhere and found an especially regal-looking red carpet. She wondered where it could possibly lead. She gasped as she looked to her left. At the end of the carpet, the Black Queen sat on her dark gray checkerboard throne. She had a cut along her right eye, wore jesters' clothing, had a jester's hat on. Two long pink-and-black tentacles extended from her carapacian torso just beneath her arms and she wore a gold ring with four gems on it. Two of the gems were white and the other two a very dark gray. Her left arm was cut off at the shoulder.

PM shook in fear and held up the parking citation. The Black Queen eyed it carefully and directed her to the office of the Archagent, Jack Noir. Noir was in charge of most of the tedious paperwork around here.

"Rose, I must leave now. This is the last you will ever hear from me. Find your sprite. Realize your purpose." Rose returned to a more typical mindset. She suddenly felt empowered to make important decisions on her own without supervision. Parental or otherwise. Such as this one. She looked at the martini glass. Just a tiny sip couldn't hurt…

"Bluh!" she cried. It was utterly disgusting. How could her mother have stood the stuff?

In the future, WV and AR huddled together as something appeared. It was a Windswept Questant. She stood in front of the eggy looking ship thing in front of the dunes and crags of the background post-apocalyptic desert. The Mayor and the Renegade exchanged glances. What was this?

A few seconds before, inside WV's capsule, PM commanded John to put the carved tablet into a Pyxis. He did so. See, everyone was friendly and cooperative and…

An explosion was heard from outside. What the hell was that? It almost sounded like a huge egg had appeared in the sky and landed, and then someone mysterious had teleported out of it.

PM entered the office of Jack Noir but the Archagent was nowhere to be found. She spotted the green package on the desk there. If she acted quickly enough, maybe she could grab the package and get out of there before…

"Can I help you?" snarled a voice from behind her. She jumped and turned to see a black carpacian standing in the room.

"Oh, yeah," the Parcel Mistress said, shaking.

"That ticket had better be notarized and punched in triplicate and presented with the full boondollar penalty plus processing fees." Mr. Noir said. "Otherwise you are wasting valuable time that I could be using right now to shirk my clerical duties."

"Ticket?" PM said with a nervous laugh. "Oh, this thing? Ha ha, look at that, I'm holding a ticket! How did that get in my hand? It belongs on the desk with the others." She swallowed as the frightening man glared at her frighteningly. "No, I'm not here to pick up a parking ticket," she said. "I'm here to pick up that green parcel."

"Really?" Jack said with a smirk. He pulled a sword from its scabbard on his belt. "I'd rather stab something to death than process the avalanche of paperwork needed to release the confiscated freight. Also any legit courier would have the pickup forms ready to go. In spite of how I'm supposed to be dressed now but am not, I ain't nobody's fool." PM shook a bit. Jack's expression softened.

"Okay, look. Maybe an understanding can be reached." He gave her a hit list, which consisted of two cards, one of the White Queen and the other of the White King. He also gave her a sword. "If you bring me their crowns," Jack instructed, "then I'll give you the box.

The Parcel Mistress departed with her mission of double agency. Jack wondered if she'd actually be foolish enough to attempt to uphold her end of the lopsided bargain. He made a policy of handing out a regisword and hitlist to just about everyone who entered his office. But he never thought anyone would _actually _go through with it. He wished he could watch. She was a dead woman.

Noir wondered why she'd been so desperate to acquire this package. What was inside? He opened the box and his eyes widened in surprise.

Mr. Orange Guy stopped. His five hours of energy were up and he felt more tired than ever. He stood up and stretched. But it wasn't done yet. Not even close. He rubbed his eyes. He was inhuman! Mwah ha ha ha! He had to keep going. He had to finish Homestuck. He was ready.

The artist sat at his computer and pulled up Adobe Photoshop. He began to draw. He began to draw Dave and the Punch Designix in the Striders' apartment hallway.

To be continued in Book 3: Flight of the Paradox Clones


	33. Book 3 Chapter 1: Upgrades & More Trolls

Book 3: Flight of the Paradox Clones

Hey people. If you have read this far, thank you very much. From now on I'll be updating a few chapters a week until I reach the point where I'm done with everything I've written so far. At that point, the upgrades will be less common - more sparse. But that will not be soon at all. Until then, enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 1: Upgrades and More Trolls

Dave decided to punch some more cards. He'd leeched more than enough grist from John to afford a Punch Designix, which for some reason Jade had put in the hallway. It made it kind of hard to walk through the apartment, but whatever. He also had plenty of grist for messing around with the Alchemiter to manufacture some new gear if he wanted. But first he wanted to figure out what the Jumper Block was for.

Jade kept dropping a weird assortment of objects for him to captchalogue and punch. He'd given up trying to identify any rhyme or reason to the thought process behind it.

Dave stuck a punched blender card into a shunt just for the hell of it, and stuck it on the jumper pins on the Jumper Block. The Alchemiter was fitted with a blender upgrade, which didn't seem all that useful. It ground up the totem Dave had used to make the egg.

Jade deployed another shunt. Dave stuck a punched Gamebro Magazine card into it and put it on the jumper pins. The Alchemiter was upgraded with a huge metal bust of this awesome bro. However, the bust was on top of the alchemizing pad, rendering the device useless. It was time to yank out all the shunts and start over.

Jade sat on her bed in her room. Her inscrutable thought process led her to draw a Punch Designix on her scribblepad. The pad recognized the drawing, but there was no Designix around, and even if there had been, it would obviously have been too large to captchalogue. Instead, the ghost image of the Designix was captcha'd, along with its captcha code on the back.

Jade's sylladex consisted of a ghost Dutton photo, a ghost pumpkin with no discernible code, a ghost pair of gloves with assorted trinkets, a ghost ordinary bass guitar, a ghost robot thing, and now a ghost Designix.

**GG: dave here punch this code!**

**GG: L229BxoG**

**GG: and then put it in the jumper shunty thing and see what it does**

**TG: ok**

Dave squeezed through the door into the hallway and punched the code "L229BxoG" onto a blank captchalogue card. He then proceeded back upstairs and placed the card into one of the shunts. Suddenly, a little panel appeared in the Alchemiter. It looked exactly like the Designix.

**TG: so i guess this is just a built in designix**

**TG: which is sort of cool i guess**

**TG: since i wont have to go downstairs and bang the hallway door into the thing and squeeze through every time i want to punch a card**

**TG: because of course you couldnt have just put it next to the alchemiter in the first place**

**TG: but then i have to go downstairs anyway to make totems and get cruxite and stuff**

**TG: so really who cares**

**GG: well i think this is only one way to consolidate all the gizmo features...**

**GG: hang on ill give you more codes!**

Dave clearly didn't have enough grist to deploy the Holopad, whatever it did. But maybe they could get it as a freebie upgrade to the Alchemiter. It looked like it'd worked! Jade loved her scribblepad.

Dave upgraded the Alchemiter with the Holopad. The totem pedestal was converted into a holographic projector. It projected the image of the item the punch code represented. This seemed useful for previewing an item a code would produce without spending the grist on it. But without the totem pedestal, the Alchemiter was unusable. At least without further upgrades.

Jade drew the Totem Lathe and went through the whole process of captcha-ing and sending to Dave. Strider applied the upgrade to the Alchemiter. Now the Holopad projected a hologram of the totem that a punch card would create instead of the item itself. Once the totem was projected, the Alchemiter would produce the item.

This appeared to turn the Alchemiter into a one stop-shopping hub. All you had to do was punch a card, stick it in, and out came your item. Nice!

Jade drew the Jumper Block Extension so that Dave could upgrade the Alchemiter with… uh… the Jumper Block Extension? The drawing was crappy but it seemed to work anyway.

Dave applied the upgrade. Suddenly, the Jumper Block Extension was pulled into the side of the Alchemizer. This was getting a bit abstract. But it appeared to be economizing on space. All he had to do was stick a card in a slot on the side of the Alchemizer to apply an upgrade. He didn't have to bother with the shunts anymore.

Jade tried to draw the Intellibeam Laserstation, but it was rather complicated. Dammit! The scribblepad interpreted it as some kind of mechanical transformer or something.

In the meantime, Dave captchalogued the image enlarger from his dismantled photography lab and applied it to the Alchemiter. He wasn't exactly sure what it did, but he thought maybe he could use it to resize items.

Jade ghost-captcha'd the huge air conditioner and gave Dave the code to mess around with. He put the code into the Designix and produced the air conditioning unit. Size was variable now, though, so Dave could change the size of the air conditioner from a tiny thing that fit in his pocket to the size of a copper giclops. The bigger it was, the more expensive, as one would expect. He made a tiny air conditioner that cost 10 units of build grist. Totally not a waste of time. Not at all!

Finally, John found his father's car. It was near the base of the rock pillar that his house was on top of. The car was surrounded by caution tape for some reason. He was reminded to be cautious. Thus, he cautiously inspected the vehicle. To no one's surprise but his, the package and game envelope were both missing. Oh, someone was bugging him. It was GC, the one with the Libra shirt and the red glasses (though John didn't know that).

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**GC: JOHN 1TS M3 4G41N**

**EB: who?**

**EB: oh, that's right...**

**EB: the leetspeaking blind one.**

**EB: go away!**

**GC: JOHN DONT M4K3 FUN OF MY H4ND1C4P**

**EB: which one, the blindness or the leetspeak.**

**GC: 1 4M S3NS1T1VE 4BOUT BOTH**

**EB: sorry.**

**GC: YOU C4N M4K3 1T UP TO M3**

**GC: BY L3TT1NG M3 H3LP YOU**

**EB: wow, you drive a hard bargain!**

**EB: but nooooooooooooo.**

**GC: B3FOR3 YOU K33P TYP1NG MOR3 STUP1D O'S 1N TH4T WORD**

**GC: JUST L1ST3N 4ND DO WH4T 1 S4Y**

**GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO 3V3NTU4LLY 4NYW4Y**

**GC: B3C4US3 YOUR3 4 N1C3 GUY 4ND K1ND OF 4 TOT4L W33N13 PUSHOV3R**

**EB: yeah, well you're a huge...**

**EB: oh man, whatever, what do you even want.**

**GC: 1M MOT1V4T3D BY S3LF 1NT3R3ST**

**GC: TO H3LP YOU 4DV4NC3 MOR3 QU1CKLY**

**GC: B3C4US3 1V3 GOT YOUR WHOL3 ADV3NTUR3 R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF M3**

**EB: do you have a braille screen or something?**

**GC: SHHHHHHHH!**

**GC: 4NYW4Y TH3 PO1NT 1S**

**GC: 1TS LONG AND BOR1NG**

**GC: 4ND YOU COULD ST4ND TO SK1P SOM3 ST3PS**

**EB: i don't really understand.**

**EB: so you can "see" my whole future there, right?**

**EB: by just like, scrolling around on some computer thing that lets you pick what time to talk to me?**

**EB: how can you be bored by my long boring future, why don't you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing?**

**GC: OK 1 C4N DO TH4T**

**GC: 4ND 1 4M**

**GC: 1 GU3SS WH4T 1 R34LLY M34N 1S**

**GC: 1 JUST W4NT TO M3SS W1TH YOU**

**EB: oh ok, that sounds really great and helpful!**

**GC: 1 M34N M3SS W1TH TH3 T1M3L1N3**

**GC: MY FR13NDS 4LL TH1NK TH4T YOU C4NT R34LLY CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG**

**GC: TH4T YOUR T1M3L1NE W3'R3 CH4T-HOPP1NG 4ROUND 1S S3T 1N STON3**

**GC: NO M4TT3R WH4T W3 S4Y OR WH3N W3 S4Y 1T**

**GC: 4ND TH3YR3 PROB4BLY R1GHT**

**GC: BUT 1 DONT C4R3**

**GC: 1 W4NT TO M3SS W1TH 1T 4ND T4ST3 WH4T H4PPENS**

**GC: :D**

**EB: sounds dumb.**

**EB: but if it means you're going to help me, then go ahead and help me i guess.**

**GC: L3TS G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 F1RST**

**GC: 1TS NOT F4R**

**GC: 1 SN1FF3D OUT 4 M4P OF YOUR PL4N3T**

**EB: whoa, you've got a map?**

**EB: where'd you get it?**

**GC: JOHN W3 AR3 SO MUCH B3TT3R TH4N YOU IN 3V3RY R3SP3CT 1TS R1D1CULOUS**

**EB: can i have it?**

**GC: 1TS HUG3**

**GC: 4ND MOSTLY 1RR3L3V4NT**

**GC: H3R3 L3T M3 DR4W YOU 4 SM4LL S3CT1ON OF 1T**

**GC: SHOW1NG YOU WH3R3 TO GO**

**EB: ok.**

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **sent ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **the file "GOH3R3JOHN.G1F" -**

John opened the image on his glasses. All he saw was a mess of colors and a crappy yellow dotted arrow pointing from him to a tube.

**EB: this is the worst crap i have ever seen.**

**EB: what am i looking at here?**

**GC: 1TS TH3 B3ST 1 CAN DO**

**GC: :[**

**EB: ok sorry but it's useless.**

**EB: what's with these colors.**

**GC: 1 P1CK3D ON3S TH4T SM3LL N1C3**

**EB: couldn't you just, like...**

**EB: crop the world map.**

**EB: i thought you guys were THE BEST.**

**GC: SHUT UP MY M4P 1S F1N3**

**GC: LOOK 1TS NOT 3V3N TH4T F4R 4W4Y**

**GC: 1LL L34D YOU TO 1T**

**GC: 1TS 4 B1G P1P3**

**GC: YOU JUMP 1N**

**GC: TH3 W1ND W1LL T4K3 YOU TO TH3 G4T3**

**GC: 1TS 4 SHORTCUT**

**EB: you mean The Breeze?**

**GC: Y34H WH4T3V3R**

**GC: L3TS G3T MOV1NG JOHN**

**GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY TO FUCK UP TH3 T1M3L1N3?**

**EB: sure.**

Rose killed a chalk imp and a marble imp with her knitting needles. Next in line to be thrashed was a lime… ogre? A giant ogre in a jester suit and pink shoes appeared before her. Rose leaped at it and stabbed it in the eyes with her needles. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the sky but Rose was too busy killing the lime ogre. She jumped up and landed on its back, holding a thread of yarn connected to the needles.

Rose pulled on the reins and directed the ogre into the waterfall at the base of her house. They both fell into the rainbow ocean. Someone was pestering her.

**TG: im building up your house**

**TG: by the way why do you live in this weird compound**

**TG: do you host east european industrial raves**

**TG: nevermind the point is**

**TG: im out of grist**

**TG: so if youre done whipping that ogre like a rented mule**

**TG: maybe you could convert it into a grist windfall**

**TT: Right now?**

**TT: The spoils would sink.**

**TG: i dont know beach the thing first i guess**

**TG: unless you were planning on sailing that ogre down the mississippi with a runaway slave**

**TT: And then what?**

**TG: what do you mean**

**TG: you kill it**

**TG: release a shitload of grist**

**TG: maybe take one of your needles and puncture the base of its skull**

**TG: does it even have a skull**

**TG: or a brain stem**

**TG: can you find out**

**TT: That sounds malicious.**

**TG: what**

**TG: but you just rigged the thing with an oedipal harness and rode its torso like a log flume ride down a magical rainbow**

**TT: That was self defense.**

**TT: Murdering a wounded behemoth in its sleep strikes me as unseemly.**

**TG: this is bullshit its an unfeeling monster who gives a fuck**

**TT: Maybe you could replicate a pillow I could use to smother it.**

**TT: Make it a clean hit.**

**TT: I would use one of mine but they've all mysteriously gone missing.**

**TG: wow fuck ok**

**TG: you can either kill it for the loot or wait a couple hours for gristtorrent to steal more of johns**

**TG: but then again ill be pretty busy in a couple hours so make up your mind**

**TT: Does John know we've been sapping his grist yet?**

**TG: no but hes still got a ton so screw him**

**TT: Hold on, someone's messaging me.**

**TG: yeah me too**

**\- grimAuxiliatrix****[GA]****began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG] ****\- **

**GA: You Command The Seer**

**GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition**

**TG: who **

**GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty **

**TG: oh yeah sure **

**TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews **

**GA: Thats An Exotic Title**

**GA: I Thought You Were The Knight**

**TG: wrong what do you want **

**GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly**

**GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort**

**TG: what the hell **

**GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight**

**GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right**

**GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh**

**GA: Endearment**

**TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill **

**TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there **

**TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs **

**TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black **

**GA: Um Is This**

**GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship**

**GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong**

**TG: man wait **

**TG: whats this about **

**TG: you have a thing for her dont you **

**TG: dont deny it bro its obvious **

**GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination**

**TG: hahahaha so terrible **

**TG: what a transparent dodge **

**TG: all hiding behind your alien shit **

**TG: just admit it **

**TG: you want me to help you win her over **

**GA: I Just Would Like To Gather**

**GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity**

**TG: ok well its easy **

**TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite **

**TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do **

**GA: Maddening**

**GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns**

**GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly ****The Ultimate Riddle**

**TG: oh my flipping christ **

**TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs **

**GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark**

**GA: I Have Been Practicing**

**GA: Your Human Sarcasm**

**TG: oh ok **

**TG: that was pretty good **

**TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it **

**GA: Very Well**

**GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship**

**TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll **

**GA: That Was Sincerity**

**TG: oh **

**TG: alright look **

**TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops **

**TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit **

**TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not **

**GA: Then**

**GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things**

**TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah **

**TG: be like **

**TG: an antagonism ninja **

**TG: like her **

**TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing **

**TG: it could be a horrible thing though **

**GA: It Sounds Like**

**GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again**

**GA: Which I Have Tried**

**GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor**

**TG: yeah i guess i am **

**TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll **

**GA: Okay**

**GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed**

**TG: good luck bro**

**\- adiosToreador ** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**AT: hIIII, sO,**

**AT: yOU GET BOSSED AROUND BY THE KNIGHT, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,**

**TT: Who?**

**AT: oH, tHE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE "cool", i THINK,**

**AT: tHE SUN GLASSES GUY,**

**TT: Why would someone wear sunglasses while using a computer?**

**AT: iIII DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A COMPUTER, bUT,**

**AT: yES, hAAAAAH,**

**AT: i THOUGHT THE SAME THING ABOUT HOW ASININE THAT IS,**

**AT: sO, yOU KNOW THAT GUY, uMMM,**

**TT: I know that anyone committed to such an affectation could only be striving to mask a severe insecurity complex, and likely harbors a crisis of self-image.**

**TT: I've been known to lend my charitable attention to such people, but only "bossed around" by them insofar as the psychiatric professional has cause to humor the demented for analytical purposes.**

**TT: Or maybe as a lab chimp commands the zookeeper's interest in its shit by forcing him to duck under its trajectory now and then.**

**AT: oK, wOW, i DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THOSE THINGS,**

**AT: bUT, uHH, i MEAN DAVE,**

**TT: Oh, that guy.**

**AT: yEAH, oK, gIVEN THAT, i HAVE A QUESTION,**

**AT: aBOUT HIM,**

**AT: i WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITIES,**

**AT: aND, uM, wHAT ARE THE TENDER SPOTS THAT ALL THOSE, uHHH,**

**AT: dEVICES HE EMPLOYS TO CONCEAL THEM, uHH, lIKE ALL THE THINGS HE SAYS HE THINKS ARE FUNNY,**

**TT: Tender spots?**

**TT: Your word choices are evocative.**

**TT: Is your design to couple with this gentleman?**

**AT: wHOAAAAAAAA, nO, nO, wHOA,**

**AT: oK, nO, tHAT JUST MADE ME FEEL UPSET TO THINK ABOUT,**

**AT: i JUST WANT TO REALLY TRY TO BOTHER HIM, iT'S HARD,**

**TT: If you're trying to get his goat, you should know he only stocks the animal in the first place for ironic purposes.**

**AT: nO, i'M NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN HIS EARTH GOAT, bUT IF THAT WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH THEN i GUESS THAT'S OK,**

**TT: Then we're agreed; you are hellbent upon literally seizing his shrill, bearded livestock.**

**TT: I'll assist you.**

**AT: uHH,**

**TT: If you really want to burn him, I recommend poetry.**

**AT: wHAT, pOETRY, aS IN LIKE THOSE HUMAN WORD BUNCHES,**

**TT: Yes. They are the most delicious bunches we have.**

**TT: I suggest you serve these crisp bunches of honey and verbal annihilation to him as part of a complete breakfast.**

**AT: oH, aND, wILL THIS BREAKFAST INJURE HIS SHRILL BARN BEAST,**

**AT: i MEAN THIS FIGURATIVELY, jUST TO BE CLEAR,**

**TT: A deft cluster-bombing of this sort will leave nothing wriggling from the razed earth.**

**TT: Except sulfurous tresses while it cracks and turns black.**

**AT: yOU MEAN, lIKE, tHE SURFACE OF AN OVERCOOKED PROTEIN OBJECT,**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: I suppose what I'm saying is this.**

**TT: Drop some hard, peer-reviewed motherfuckin' science on his ass.**

**TT: Some seriously government funded shit.**

**TT: It will destroy him.**

**AT: aAAAAHAHAHAH, yES,**

**AT: tHIS IS THE IDEA THAT i LIKE,**

**TT: Your obvious cunning with words should depants Strider with such vivid empyrean tempest, a nether-regional sonic boom is certain inevitability.**

**TT: But even so.**

**TT: Consider me at your disposal to help craft a comeuppance of such unqualified devastation, the angels will weep pearlstrings of little urban fellows cantillating an unbroken chorus of Oh Snaps.**

**AT: pLEEEEASE,**

**AT: i THINK i AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MANUFACTURING THESE ALLEGED "dope" HUMAN RHYMES,**

**AT: aND STARTING SOME SICK FIRES,**

**AT: i DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY, tHAT YOU SAID YOU LEND,**

**AT: tO, uHHH,**

**AT: eARTH MONKEYS WHO TOSS AROUND POOP, oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,**

**AT: yOU'RE PRETTY SNOOTY,**

**AT: tHANKS FOR YOUR HELP, bUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP,**

**adiosToreador ** **blocked tentacleTherapist ****[TT]**

**adiosToreador ** **unblocked tentacleTherapist ****[TT]**

**AT: oOPS, sORRY, i DIDN'T MEAN TO BLOCK YOU,**

**TT: uMMMM,**

Rose sighed and began to close out of Pesterchum when someone else began pestering her. It was Ms. Pretentious Green Text.


	34. Book 3 Chapter 2: GA, AT, and CG

Chapter 2: GA, AT, and CG

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You**

**GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism**

**GA: What Do You Think About This**

**TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.**

**GA: Ah See It Is Working Already**

**TT: What is?**

**GA: Ive Listened To His Advice**

**GA: And Have Resolved To Modify The Approach Slightly**

**GA: I Know What I Have To Do**

**GA: What We Have To Do Really**

**TT: What's that?**

**GA: Remember The First Time We Spoke**

**TT: Yes, but you said it wasn't the first time you spoke to me.**

**TT: We'll graciously omit my embarrassing skepticism however.**

**GA: The First Time You Spoke To Me Was The Second Time I Spoke To You**

**TT: This conversation doesn't sound like your first time either.**

**GA: This Is Your Second Conversation With Me But Is My Seventh With You**

**TT: And when exactly does your maiden encounter take place?**

**GA: Thats Next Time**

**TT: So to clarify.**

**TT: If the matching of my first with your second is denoted by 1=2, then the sequence would be:**

**TT: 1=2, 2=7, 3=1, 4=?, ...**

**GA: Yes And The Rest Of The Sequence Is Simply**

**GA: 4=3, 5=4, 6=5, 7=6**

**GA: Unless My Future Self Stowed Another Conversation In Between One Of Those Which Is Entirely Possible**

**GA: But Urrgh I Dont Want To Think About That**

**TT: Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing troll intellects etcetera etcetera.**

**GA: See That Is What I Mean Rose You Are Not As Dumb Of A Girl As I Was Initially Lead To Believe**

**TT: You mean based on the first impression I am apparently about to make in our next conversation?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: What could I possibly say that will leave such an imprint?**

**GA: That Is Why I Have Contacted You Now**

**GA: I Will Send You A Copy Our First Conversation Directly From My Chat Log**

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **sent tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **the file " " - **

**TT: I guess being forced to cooperate with a stable time loop is the only plausible explanation for my remarks.**

**GA: Yes And Then I Found It Sort Of Curious That During My Next Conversation With You Your Various Mental Endowments And Wherewithals Were Not As They Seemed**

**GA: I Suspected The Stratagem Might Be A Counter Trolling Measure But Then Was Not So Sure And Further Examination Grew Warrant**

**TT: And what if my counter-counter measure is to choose not to transcribe this dialogue accurately in the future-first place?**

**GA: But See I Have Edited The Copy Already In Ways That Will Remain Secret For Now But You Will Discover Once You Type It**

**GA: So You Are Destined To Edit It No Matter What And What You Submit Will Be What I Once Read Regardless**

**GA: !**

**TT: Unless I decide to copy it word-for-word!**

**GA: Yes Unless I Lied About Editing It In The First Place**

**GA: Either Way Through Knowledge Of What You Will Say I Have Precisely Engineered The Nature Of Your Transgression**

**GA: !**

**TT: So your trolling strategy now is to put idiotic words in my mouth through the machinery of temporal inevitability, and cause me to excruciate over how to subvert the transcription?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: While being perfectly up front about it?**

**GA: Yes I Suppose Its That Sarcasm All The Time Seems Laborious To Me**

**TT: I'll admit, it's a more advanced tactic than I gave you credit for.**

**GA: Yes And The Providence Of This Antagonism Ninja Vice Grip Pinching Your Larynx Has Already Begun To Supply My Purpose With Fruit**

**GA: The Chilly Frost Shimmering On Our Tree Of Human Friendship Has Begun To Thaw**

**TT: Mixed metaphor aside, usually ninjas don't announce what they're doing when they're doing it.**

**TT: Like when stalking an emperor to assassinate him.**

**TT: Or befriend him.**

**TT: But that's fine.**

**TT: I guess the only pointless question we haven't exhausted is, why?**

**TT: Why the convoluted artifice?**

**GA: Dave Raised Insight Into The Human Psychology Of Friendship Development**

**GA: By Allotting You Your Side Of The Conversation I Have You At The Disadvantage In Your View And You Will Seek To Reclaim Higher Ground**

**GA: In Successive Conversations**

**GA: 4=3 And 5=4 And Such**

**GA: Your Demeanor Will Be Terse If Not Saturated With Disdain And It Will Cause Me To Be Confused And Question Your Motivation**

**GA: But Now I Know Your Motivation Because I Am Supplying It Here And Now**

**GA: They Will Be Simple Acts Of Friendly Human Retaliation**

**TT: So you're not only rigging the first impression I make on you, but orchestrating my revenge for the rigging as well?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: It Seems Friendship For Some Humans Is A Basic Aggregation Of Shallow And Insincere Hostilities**

**TT: That's an interesting take on it.**

**TT: But now I know for sure Dave isn't behind this plan.**

**TT: It's too complicated.**

**GA: I Dont Understand**

**GA: Who Better To Coordinate Such Events Than The Knight Of Time**

**TT: You're awfully quick to his defense.**

**TT: Are you sure you don't have a thing for him?**

**TT: It's ok, bro. You can admit it.**

**GA: I'm Hopping To 8=8**

**GA: Ideally You Will Have Long Since Discarded This Train Of Thought**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I'm going to talk to my dead cat.**

The reason for this was that, during their conversation, Jaspersprite had appeared, floating with his silly pink visage.

A mysterious gray-skinned girl with curly black hair and black lipstick sat at her computer, wearing a black shirt with a green astrological symbol of Virgo on it. One of her orange horns drooped slightly. She smiled. This was actually fun, if a waste of time.

Dave sat at his computer, drawing a new SBAHJ comic, when he was contacted by the orange-typing troll.

**\- adiosToreador ** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**AT: oKAYYYY, mY BROMO SAPIEN,**

**AT: r U READY,**

**AT: tO GET STRAIGHT IN, FLAT DOWN, BROAD SIDE, SCHOOL FED UP THE BONE BULGE,**

**AT: bY A DOPE SMACKED, TRINKED OUT, SMOTHER FUDGING,**

**AT: tROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL,**

**TG: dont care**

He continued to draw his SBAHJ comic.

**AT: oK, lET ME,**

**AT: oRGANIZE MY NOTES HERE,**

**AT: oKAYYY,**

**AT: (tURN ON SOME STRICT BEATS MAYBE, iT WILL HELP TO LISTEN TO THEM WHILE i DESTROY YOU,)**

**AT: wHEN THE POLICE MAN BUSTS ME, aND POPS THE TRUNK,**

**AT: hE'S ALL SUPRISED TO FIND I'M TOTING SICK BILLY,**

**AT: wHOSE,**

**AT: gOAT IS THAT, hE ASKS, wHILE HE STOPS TO THUNK**

**AT: aBOUT IT, aND i'S JUST SAY IT'S DAVE'S, yOU SILLY**

**AT: gOOSE,**

**AT: bUT THE MAN SAYS, gOOSE! wHERE, lET ME SEE YOUR HANDS,**

**AT: aND i SAY SHIT SORRY, i DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HONKTRABAND,**

**AT: wOW, oK,**

**AT: i AM GETTING OFF THE POINT, wHICH WAS, **

**AT: aBOUT THIS HOT MESS DAVE, tHAT YOU GOT LANDED IN,**

**AT: lIKE THE COP i MENTIONED, bUT INSTEAD OF YOUR BADGE, **

**AT: aND YOUR GUN, IT'S YOUR ASS THAT YOU HANDED IN,**

**AT: (aND THEN GOT HANDED BACK TO YOU,)**

**AT: cAUSE THAT'S HOW HUMANS GET SERVED,**

**AT: aND GUYS LIKE YOU DESERVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT iT'S,**

**AT: a CIRCLE AND HORNS IN YOUR BUTT THAT GOT BRANDED IN,**

**AT: (uMM, bEFORE i GAVE YOUR ASS BACK TO YOU, i DID THAT, iS WHAT i MEAN,)**

**AT: bUT i MEAN, gETTING BACK TO THE POINT, oR MAYBE TWO ACTUALLY,**

**AT: tHE FIRST IS YOU SUCK, aND THE SECOND IS HOW i SMACKEDYOUFULLY,**

**AT: (oH YEAH, tHAT RHYME WAS SO ILLLLLLLLL,)**

**AT: bUT NO, jUST JOKING, lET'S SEE, hOW CAN i PUT THIS TACTFULLULLY,**

**AT: i MEAN THE POINTS ON THE HORNS ON MY HEAD,**

**AT: cOMING AT YOU THROUGH TRAFFIC,**

**AT: aIMED AT THE TARGET ON ****YOUR SHIRT THAT IS RED****,**

**AT: wE'RE ABOUT TO GET MAD HORNOGRAPHIC,**

**AT: (i MEAN SORT OF LIKE A GRAPHIC CRIME SCENE, nOT LIKE,)**

**AT: (aNYTHING SEXUAL,)**

**AT: (eRR, wHOAAAAA,)**

**AT: (nEVERMIND,)**

**AT: oK, gETTING BACK TO THE ACTUAL, tACTICAL, vERNACULAR SMACKCICLE,**

**AT: i'M FORCING YOU TO BE LICKING, (aND lIKING,)**

**AT: gRAB MY HORNS AND START KICKING, lIKE YOU'RE RIDING A VIKING,**

**AT: cAUSE i'M YOUR BULLY, aND YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,**

**AT: yOU THINK YOU'RE IN CHARGE BUT YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE,**

**AT: i'M IN CHARGE, cAUSE i'M CHARGING IN,**

**AT: yOUR CHINASHOP,**

**AT: bREAKING, uH, yOUR PLATES AND STUFF, WHICH i DON'T REALLY KNOW,**

**AT: wHAT THE PLATES ARE SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT, bUT,**

**AT: (fUCK,)**

**AT: iT'S JUST THAT YOU THINK YOU ARE THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT**

**AT: bUT WHEN IN FACT YOU ARE NOT, mORE LIKE YOU ARE,**

**AT: sOMETHING THAT RHYMES WITH THE COCK OF THE WALK'S HOT SHIT,**

**AT: bUT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THE COCK'S SHIT,**

**AT: sO, gIVEN THAT, lET ME BE THE FIRST,**

**AT: tO SAY YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOLD FROM PROSPIT,**

**AT: wHEN YOU'RE REALLY COLD SHIT FLUSHED FROM DERSE,**

A mysterious gray-skinned boy sat at his computer. He had rather large orange horns that stuck out to the sides then went up to form points. He had pointy white teeth, wore a black shirt with an orange symbol of Taurus on it, and a jacket over the shirt. He'd just started some sick fires, bro!

John flew out of a pipe with a "flurp", the items in his sylladex ejected with him. The dirty bunny, covered with black goo, landed in one of the imp slime rivers. It began to flow down a drain but John landed next to it and grabbed it just before it fell to the depths below and became the possession of whatever was snoring down there.

Wearing his green slime wise guy suit, he held the bunny in one of his ghost-gauntleted hands. He walked over to a pair of salamanders, one large and the other small. He pictured Nick Cage as Cameron Poe looking at his loving wife and daughter in his rough-and-tumble suit and holding a bunny for little Casey.

"I got a present for you, Casey," John said. "It's a little dirty. A little rough around the edge just like your dear old ex con dad. WITH A HEART OF GOLD." He didn't realize he'd been yelling. He gave Casey the bunny and embraced the two salamanders as the younger one blew bubbles from its mouth. Both **CG **and **GC**began pestering him, annoyed and laughing, respectively.

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**CG: JOHN WHAT THE WET BAG OF HUMAN HORSE SHIT TO THE FACE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.**

**CG: OH MY LORD.**

**CG: NO WONDER YOU LOSERS ALL FUCK UP THIS GAME SO BAD.**

**EB: what?**

**EB: i am just acting out a scene from an awesome movie and having some fun, what's wrong with that?**

**CG: WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY EARTH MOVIE IS THIS.**

**CG: STUPID RABBIT ASSHOLE SCREWS THE POOCH?**

**EB: no, it's about these criminals on a runaway plane, and they've got to be stopped by nick cage and john cusack together as a team.**

**CG: OH.**

**CG: OK, THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS.**

**EB: it is sweet, so sweet, you would probably like it.**

**CG: I'VE HEARD OF JOHN CUSACK I THINK.**

**CG: WASN'T HE IN SERENDIPITY?**

**CG: THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT FOR A HUMAN FLICK.**

**EB: hahaha, oh man, that sucked so bad!**

**CG: OK I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH LIKE I'M WIGGLING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN YOUR DIRECTION.**

**EB: don't you have alien movies from your alien planet?**

**CG: YEAH OF COURSE, WE HAVE TONS OF MOVIES AND THEY ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOUR PRIMITIVE CINEMATIC NEANDERTHRASHINGS.**

**EB: ok, so what is a really good one?**

**CG: YOU'LL PROBABLY LAUGH IF I TELL YOU THE NAME OF ONE.**

**EB: well, i already laughed when you said the name of one of ours, so who cares?**

**CG: OK FINE.**

**CG: ONE THAT IS AMAZING AND IS A CLASSIC IS...**

**CG: WHEREIN NUMEROUS VIGILANTES CONFRONT PERIL; ONE OF THEM BETRAYS THE OTHERS; (BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE PART OF THE PLAN ALL ALONG);**

**CG: SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE FEMALE LEADS PROVOKE ROMANTIC TENSION; FOUR MAJOR CHARACTERS WEAR UNUSUAL HATS; ONE HOLDS PLOT-CRITICAL SECRET;**

**CG: 47 ON-SCREEN EXPLOSIONS, ONE RESULTING IN DEMISE OF KEY-ADVERSARY; 6 to 20 LINES THAT COULD BE CONSTRUED AS HUMOROUS;**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: this is the title?**

**CG: IT GOES ON.**

**CG: THEY TEND TO BE MORE LITERAL AND INFORMATIVE THAN YOUR TITLES.**

**EB: how do you even say them in casual conversation?**

**CG: WELL WE DON'T OBVIOUSLY.**

**CG: IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SAYS, HEY GUYS WHY DON'T WE GO SEE A MOVIE, AND THEN EVERYONE JUST ENDS UP THERE.**

**CG: WATCHING IT.**

**CG: NOT SAYING IT, THAT'S DUMB.**

**CG: JOHN, TRY TO THINK OUTSIDE YOUR MINUSCULE CULTURAL BUBBLE FOR A CHANGE.**

**EB: ok, i just think it's still cumbersome and completely illogical.**

**CG: YEAH THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START RUNNING OUT OF MOVIE TITLES AFTER RACKING UP THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF FILM HISTORY.**

**CG: YOU KNOW I THINK YOUR CIVILIZATION JUST DIDN'T MATURE ENOUGH OR SOMETHING.**

**CG: BEFORE LETTING THIS EARTH ARABIAN YOU CALL A GENIE OUT OF THE BOTTLE.**

**CG: MUST EXPLAIN WHY IT SPROUTED SUCH A MISERABLE CROP OF PLAYERS.**

**CG: INSTEAD OF BASICALLY GODS LIKE US.**

**EB: well, i've got one of your godly players helping me now, so we can't be in such bad shape.**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**EB: GC gave me a map.**

**EB: and showed me a shortcut.**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING.**

**CG: THIS ISN'T WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT DOING AT ALL.**

**CG: HOLD ON LET ME ASK HER ABOUT THIS...**

**EB: ok.**

**CG: OK...**

**CG: NOW SHES JUST OVER THERE GIGGLING AT ME LIKE AN IMBECILE.**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TWO UP TO, WHY ARE YOU IN CAHOOTS NOW?**

**EB: umm...**

**CG: OW FUCK!**

**CG: OK SHE JUST WALKED OVER AND PUNCHED ME.**

**CG: AND SAID IT WAS FROM YOU.**

**EB: uh, sorry i guess?**

**CG: I TOLD HER TO STOP THESE SHENANIGANS...**

**CG: BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHATEVER SHE WAS DOING WITH YOU SHE ALREADY DID A WHILE AGO.**

**CG: FROM MY PERSPECTIVE AT LEAST.**

**EB: i don't know why you guys are doing this to yourselves.**

**EB: all this time jackassery, it's giving me a headache.**

**CG: OK IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIES HATCHING MORE PLANS GIVE HER A MESSAGE INTO THE PAST FOR ME.**

**EB: ok.**

**CG: TELL HER TO POLISH MY HEAVING BONE BULGE AND SET A TABLE FOR FUCKING TWO ON IT.**

**CG: ITS FOR OUR CANDLE LIGHT HATE DATE.**

**EB: i like how you guys have basically resorted to trolling each other, through us.**

**CG: FUCK YOU.**

**EB: oh, did you talk to jade yet?**

**CG: JADE, WHAT WHY WOULD I WANT TO TALK TO HER?**

**EB: ummm, that's what you said you wanted to do last time you talked to me, i dunno.**

**CG: OH DAMMIT.**

**CG: ARE YOU SURE?**

**EB: yeah, you told me dude.**

**EB: want me to paste the conversation?**

**CG: NO NO, GOD NO, I HATE IT WHEN WE START GOING DOWN THAT ROAD.**

**CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE FURTHER INVESTIGATION.**

**CG: I'VE GOT TO GO.**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: but next time you talk to me, you might want to tell me to calm down first so i don't just block you.**

**EB: back then i won't really want to hear from you.**

**CG: OK, I'LL DO THAT.**

**EB: later.**


	35. Book 3 Chapter 3: TSAJ

Chapter 3: The Shortcut and Jaspersprite

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]****began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3**

**GC: JOHN STOP HUGG1NG THOS3 S4L4M4ND3RS 4ND B31NG SO STUPIDLY 4DOR4BLE**

**GC: W3 4R3 ON 4 STR1CT CH3AT1NG T1M3T4BL3 H3R3**

**GC: W41T WHO 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO NOW**

**GC: 1S 1T ON3 OF US**

**GC: 1S 1T M3?**

**EB: it was carcino. **

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: 1 B3T H3 1S CONFUS3D 4ND GRUMPY**

**EB: yeah, sorta. **

**EB: he has no idea what you're doing. **

**GC: 1 H34R H1M OV3R TH3R3 B4NG1NG ON THOS3 K3YS**

**GC: 1 TH1NK TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1S JUST 4 W4Y TO V3NT SOM3 FRUSTR4T1ON**

**GC: H3 H4S NO PURPOS3 Y3T**

**GC: NOT L1K3 YOU 4ND M3 JOHN :D**

**EB: oh, he said to give you a message... **

**GC: OH :?**

**EB: he wants you to touch his bone lump or something. **

**GC: WH4T!**

**EB: and that he's pretty much basically in love with you. **

**GC: W41T**

**GC: D1D H3 4CTU4LLY S4Y TH4T**

**GC: 1N CONF1D3NC3**

**EB: yeah, i dunno, pretty much. **

**GC: C4N YOU COPY 3X4CTLY WH4T H3 S41D**

**EB: ohhh no, we're not going down that road! **

**EB: besides, it was a private conversation among private gentlemen colleagues. **

**EB: oh, also you're going to punch him. **

**GC: 1 4M**

**GC: WH3N**

**EB: i guess in your future. **

**EB: but in your pretty soon future i think. **

**EB: it's when he says stuff to you and then you laugh at him. **

**GC: BUT 1M 4LW4YS L4UGH1NG 4T H1M**

**GC: HOW W1LL 1 KNOW?**

**EB: also he says you said it's from me. **

**GC: FROM YOU**

**GC: DO YOU W4NT M3 TO PUNCH H1M JOHN**

**EB: pffff, i don't care! **

**EB: i'm just the timey-wimey messenger here. **

**GC: 1M SUR3 M4NY H1GHLY JUST1F1ABL3 4ND W3LL D3S3RV3D PUNCH3S W1LL B3 THROWN 1N DU3 T1M3**

**GC: BUT L3TS ST1CK TO TH3 G4M3PL4N FOR NOW**

**GC: JOHN T4K3 4 LOOK 4T WH3R3 TH3 SHORTCUT TOOK YOU**

**GC: TURN 4ROUND :]**

John turned around and saw a giant green-and-gray swirling castle thing. Tubes and spires abounded. It sat on an island surrounded by a vast gaping expanse. There was a rope bridge, but it appeared to be broken. The only way across appeared to be a bunch of pipes. Next to the broken rope bridge was one of the Skaian gates.

**EB: oh, wow.**

**EB: what's that?**

**GC: 1TS YOUR D3N1Z3NS P4L4C3**

**EB: my denizen?**

**GC: 3V3RY PL4N3T H4S 4 D3N1Z3N**

**GC: TH4T L1V3S D33P UND3RGROUND**

**GC: SL33P1NG**

**GC: 4ND GU4RD1NG 4 HUG3 GR1ST HO4RD**

**EB: ok...**

**GC: TH3 W4Y DOWN TO 1TS L41R 1S THROUGH TH3 P4L4C3**

**EB: so you want me to go down there and kill him?**

**EB: won't that be, uh, kinda hard?**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: ORD1N4R1LY YOUD H4V3 4BSOLUT3LY NO CH4NC3**

**GC: 4T YOUR M34G3R L3V3L**

**GC: BUT YOU H4V3 4N 4DV4NT4G3**

**EB: oh?**

**GC: USU4LLY HOW 1TS SUPPOS3D TO GO 1S**

**GC: OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF YOUR QU3ST**

**GC: YOU W1LL W4K3 TH3 D3N1Z3N**

**GC: 4ND TH3N F1N4LLY YOU GO THROUGH TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3**

**GC: WH1CH 1S TH3 ONLY W4Y 1NTO TH3 P4L4C3**

**GC: TH3N YOU GO DOWN 4ND F1GHT TH3 D3N1Z3N**

**GC: 4ND K1LL 1T**

**GC: R3L3AS1NG TH3 HO4RD**

**EB: so what's my advantage?**

**GC: YOU WONT BOTH3R W4K1NG 1T**

**GC: W3 W1LL SK1P R1GHT TO TH3 S3V3NTH G4T3**

**GC: F1ND 1TS L41R**

**GC: 4ND K1LL 1T 1N 1TS SL33P**

**EB: um, ok.**

**EB: what's the point of releasing the grist hoard?**

**EB: is it just so i can make tons more sweet loot?**

**GC: H3H3 NO W4Y**

**GC: TH3 HO4RD CONT41NS SO MUCH MOR3 GR1ST TH4N YOU COULD 3V3R US3 1N 4N 4LCH3M1T3R**

**GC: 1 M34N YOU COULD 1 GU3SS**

**GC: BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT**

**GC: 1TS FOR TH3 ULT1M4T3 4LCH3MY**

**EB: what's the ultimate alchemy?**

**GC: 1TS NOTH1NG FOR YOU TO WORRY 4BOUT NOW**

**GC: S33 TH4T G4T3 OV3R BY TH3 BROK3N BR1DG3**

**GC: GO CH3CK 1T OUT**

**EB: alright.**

John walked down to it and looked at it. It was a fairly ordinary-looking one. It was a deep blue color. He turned and saw that Casey had followed him. It looked like she was going through the gate with him too then.

**EB: so this is the seventh gate?**

**EB: that'll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen?**

**GC: NOP3 :]**

**GC: TH1S 1S JUST 4 S1MPL3 R3TURN NOD3**

**GC: TH3R3 4R3 LOTS OF TH3S3 4ROUND**

**GC: JUST HOP 1N**

**GC: DONT WORRY 1LL G3T YOU TO TH3 G4T3 SOON 4FT3R TH4T**

John hopped in and he was transported back into his room. Before him was the broken glass from the window, the red box that the bunny had been in with both sides popped open, the bucket that Nannaquin had stuck in the top of the door, a cruxite totem, and a pillow.

Sometime in the future, WV prepared a gift for the Windswept Questant. He hit a piece of metal repeatedly with the grenade that had the bayonet stuck through it. Finally, he folded it back to produce a rough gray crown. He and the Renegade walked over to the mysterious gray-clothed white carapacian that had appeared in an egg. The Peregrine Mendicant watched in surprise from her capsule. She stepped out through the hole in the station and walked towards the other Exiles as if in a dream. She remembered. She remembered herself, a long time before...

The Parcel Mistress sought audience with royalty. White carapacian royalty. The White Queen sat cross-legged on her light gray checkerboard throne. Like the Black Queen and SS, she had a scar across her left-right eye and her arm was cut off at the shoulder. She wore light colored jesterial clothes, similar to the outfit that PM herself wore. Upon her head was a large white jester hat with one of the four points sliced off. Two long tentaclesque appendages stuck out of her torso from just beneath her arms. The ring on her hand was made of gold with four little gems on it, two white and the others gray.

The White Queen (WQ) watched as PM procured two cards from her pocket. One was of her crown and the other was of the White King's (WK). A flurry of disquieting happenstance was explained to WQ, from the human girl on Prospit and her letter all the way to the parking citation and Jack Noir.

"With no other options," the Parcel Mistress finished, "your counsel is all that is left to be sought."

The White Queen was silent for a moment as she took and looked at the cards. Was it really important, this quest? She didn't doubt her subject, but…

WQ toyed with the ring on her finger for a moment before deciding and slipping it off. The tentacles disappeared from her sides, the scratch over her eye disappeared, her arm was restored, and the jester hat was replaced with her crown, an object of great beauty, made of the finest white material in all of Prospit. Abdication was never ideal, but in the face of inevitable conquest, conceding ground could supply the only remaining advantage. The final hope for victory lay in patience and planning.

She placed the crown in PM's hands. "The White King," she said, "can be found on the Battlefield. His crown may be retrieved there." She gave the ring to the Parcel Mistress as well. "This ring must be designated for protection. The King will supply further instruction on this matter."

PM kneeled at WQ's feet. "The royal duty has been accepted, my Queen," she said.

"And in time, it was fulfilled," said the Windswept Questant (WQ), placing the crown WV and AR had made for her atop PM's head. Serenity blinked in surprise and WV and AR exchanged glances.

"Meow," Jaspersprite said. Rose facepalmed. Just great. Her sprite was a cat. How was she supposed to converse with him? Jaspersprite reached into the water with his long tentacle arm and left it there.

**ROSE: Is that all you have to say?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr.**

**ROSE: I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection.**

**ROSE: Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrrrrrrr.**

**ROSE: Actually, cryptic behavior would be welcome at this point.**

**ROSE: This is just inane.**

**JASPERSPRITE: :3**

**ROSE: Should I report to the others that my Kernelsprite is a Lolcat?**

**ROSE: Maybe Dave can take some screen captures and overlay some poorly spelled captions.**

**ROSE: Assuming he hasn't already.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow.**

**ROSE: What are you doing there, by the way?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Im fishing!**

**ROSE: Oh. So you can talk.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But sadly there are no fish i think.**

**JASPERSPRITE: They were all eaten by the ****Denizen****!**

**ROSE: Who?**

**JASPERSPRITE: It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap.**

**JASPERSPRITE: No there is surely not a single living thing left!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Which is too bad because im pretty hungry.**

**ROSE: I think there might be some tuna in the cabinets.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Oh good idea i will look there!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr.**

**ROSE: Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared...**

**ROSE: What did you mean?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow.**

**ROSE: Sigh...**

**JASPERSPRITE: :3**

**ROSE: I don't understand.**

**ROSE: Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate?**

**JASPERSPRITE: You will understand when you wake up!**

**ROSE: Am I asleep?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Rose im just a cat and i dont know much but i know that youre important and also you are what some people around here call the ****Seer of Light****.**

**JASPERSPRITE: And you dont know what that means but you will see its all tied together!**

**JASPERSPRITE: All the life in the ocean and all the shiny rain and the songs in your head and the letters they make.**

**JASPERSPRITE: A beam of light i think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing!**

**JASPERSPRITE: And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song!**

**JASPERSPRITE: And a song i think can be written down as letters.**

**JASPERSPRITE: So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible.**

**JASPERSPRITE: So all you have to do is wake up and learn to play the rain!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Does that make sense rose sorry i disappeared for so long.**

**ROSE: Sort of.**

**ROSE: It sounds like you aren't exactly in complete command of this information yourself, so I won't press you on it for now.**

**ROSE: You're a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purrrrrrrr.**

Rose smiled and set up her computer. She pestered Jade, who was asleep. Her dream self on Prospit responded in awake Jade's stead.

**TT: I spoke with Jaspers.**

**TT: I didn't understand what he told me.**

**TT: He said I'll understand once I "wake up".**

**TT: For some reason this made me think of you.**

**GG: hehehe...**

**GG: yeah i bet hes right!**

**TT: We wouldn't happen to be talking about awakening in a sort of breezy, philosophical sense, would we?**

**TT: Is my dead cat concerned with my enlightenment? Should I prepare to shed this coil of ignorance and suffering?**

**GG: wow no i dont think so...**

**GG: hes being a bit more literal than that!**

**GG: what did he say?**

**TT: I doubt I could reproduce the statements with fidelity.**

**TT: It was like listening to a five year-old describe a dream.**

**TT: The content manages to take a back seat to the simple heartwarming spectacle of the moment.**

**GG: :)**

**GG: well what he meant was...**

**GG: that you have a dream self**

**GG: who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep**

**GG: we all do! all four of us i mean**

**GG: but see your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep**

**GG: because you havent woken up yet!**

**TT: I think I get it.**

**TT: I take it your "dream self" is wide awake when you sleep?**

**GG: yes**

**TT: And would I be out of line in additionally presuming this has been the case for many years, at least as long as I've known you?**

**GG: no you would not be out of line!**

**GG: in fact im asleep now**

**TT: That was to be my next wild presumption.**

**GG: :p**

**TT: So when I wake up, can I look forward to being able to message people in my sleep too?**

**GG: no only i can do that!**

**GG: because of my robot**

**TT: Oh, right.**

**TT: I forgot about your robot.**

**TT: My short term recall seems to eschew the profoundly ridiculous.**

**GG: you guys can probably make your own i guess...**

**GG: but you need to wake up first for it to matter and maybe by the time that happens you might not even need them!**

**TT: I'm not sure if necessity is a concept I'd associate with such a contraption even under some of the more obscure scenarios imaginable.**

**TT: But good to know I guess.**

**TT: Here's another question, which I'm sure will look stupid once I've finished typing it.**

**TT: If my dream self is asleep, does that mean she's dreaming, and if she is, who's dreaming the dream, her or me?**

**GG: um...**

**GG: ok well i dont really know how to answer the second part but yeah shes dreaming!**

**GG: shes most likely lying in your bed troubled and restless**

**GG: about things burdening her**

**GG: which is to say you!**

**GG: things about who you really are and what your purpose is**

**GG: but you cant start figuring those things out yet because youre not awake because youre not ready yet**

**GG: thats why you have such terrible dreams all the time rose!**

**TT: Ok. How do I wake up?**

**GG: im sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious**

**GG: or maybe face some things you havent faced yet?**

**GG: i dunno! its for you to find out**

**GG: maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue?**

**TT: What stuff?**

**GG: the...**

**GG: er**

**GG: didnt dave tell you?**

**TT: Tell me what?**

**GG: ._.**

**TT: Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room?**

**TT: While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawlings?**

**TT: Like John?**

**TT: I really hope that's not what you're saying.**

**TT: It might freak me out.**

**GG: he said he was going to tell you _;**

**TT: Hold on.**

Rose clicked on Dave's pesterlog icon.

**TT: Strider. **

**TT: I need you to do me a favor. **

**TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file? **

**TT: For no reason in particular?**

She pestered Jade again to follow up.

**TT: He's not answering.**

**GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!**

**TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?**

**TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?**

**GG: noooooooooooooooooooo**

**GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep! **

**TT: Can you do it anyway?**

**GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :( **

**TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: What?**


	36. Book 3 Chapter 4: The Shortcut is a Lie

Chapter 4: The Shortcut is a Lie

The meteor approached Dave's apartment building as the boy climbed to the top of the spire to retreive the egg. He almost had it. The Cruxtruder's countdown was down to only seconds now. He was going to make it. He had to! Twenty seconds later, the meteor made impact.

John and Casey walked out onto the balcony, where the Alchemiter was, along with the rocket pack with a cinder block, flowerpot, and violin in it. **GC** pestered him again.

**GC: JOHN S33 TH4T B1G P13C3 OF JUNK TH3R3**

**EB: the rocket pack?**

**GC: Y34H C4PTCH4LOGU3 TH4T 4ND S3ND M3 TH3 COD3**

**GC: 1 GOT TH3 COD3S FOR 4LL TH3 OTH3R 34RTH CR4P STUCK 1NS1D3 1T FROM YOUR FR13NDS**

**GC: FROM D1FF3R3NT T1M3S**

**GC: WH3N TH3Y W3R3 F33L1NG COOP3R4T1V3**

**GC: 1 C4N M4K3 1T WORK FOR YOU :]**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: but you can't just "subtract" object codes from other codes!**

**EB: it's like, mathematically, um...**

**EB: ambiguous.**

**EB: like just reverse AND/OR'ing the flower pot alone could make hundreds of possibilities.**

**EB: subtracting all three could be millions!**

**GC: Y34H W3LL 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1M 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S HUG3 OF 4 DORK 4S YOU**

**GC: OR TH4T 1 UND3RST4ND 4NY OF TH4T**

**GC: COMPUT3R COD3S T4ST3 TO M3 L1K3**

**GC: LOTS OF T1NY N33DL3S 4ND B4TT3R13S**

**EB: wow, what?**

**GC: 1M G1V1NG 4LL TH3S3 COD3S TO OUR H4CK3R GUY**

**EB: oh man, you have a hacker?**

**EB: i bet he is THE BEST!**

**EB: hackers are always the best.**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: W3LL H3 SUR3 TH1NKS H3 1S**

**EB: who is it?**

**EB: have i talked to him?**

**GC: NO H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU 3V3R**

**GC: B3C4US3 H3 H4T3S YOU**

**GC: BUT H3 W1LL DO TH1S**

**GC: B3C4US3 H3 WONT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST TH3 CH4LL3NG3**

**EB: uh, ok.**

**EB: brb then.**

He captchalogued the rocket pack and looked at the back of it.

**EB: ok here...**

**EB: dskjhsdk**

**GC: TH4NKS**

**GC: W41T**

**GC: THOS3 K1ND4 S33M L1K3 R4NDOM K3Y M4SH1NGS**

**GC: 4R3 YOU M3SS1NG W1TH M3 JOHN :?**

**EB: um, no.**

**EB: they sort of are random.**

**EB: but it's the right code, i promise!**

**GC: OH**

**GC: OK B3 B4CK IN L3SS TH4N ON3 S3COND**

**GC: PCHOOOOO**

John waited and waited, but **GC **didn't pester him again.

**EB: hello?**

**GC: WH4T**

**EB: it thought you said you'd be back in less than a second?**

**GC: 1 W4S**

**GC: 1 G4V3 YOU TH3 COD3**

**GC: 1TS PCHOOOOO**

**GC: 1T TOOK 4 WH1L3 FOR H1M TO F1GUR3 OUT**

**GC: BUT 1 G4V3 IT TO YOU 1NST4NTLY FROM YOUR P3RSP3CT1V3**

**GC: WHY WOULD 1 M4K3 YOU W41T?**

**GC: TH4T WOULD B3 SO 1NCONS1D3R4T3 :[**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: i just thought that was just you going off to get the code...**

**EB: and making like this rockety noise or something, i dunno.**

**EB: because you're kind of goofy.**

**GC: W3LL YOUR3 K1ND OF**

**GC: W3LCOM3**

**GC: YOU UNGR4T3FUL 34RTH HORS3S NO1SY BUTTHOL3!**

**EB: oh gosh, i'm sooooo sorry!**

**EB: this is just a stupid code, i'm sorry.**

**EB: are you sure it's right, it seems kind of...**

**EB: obvious.**

**GC: H3 W4S CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S TH3 R1GHT COD3 4ND H4D SOM3 UNFL4TT3R1NG TH1NGS TO S4Y 4BOUT TH3 1NT3LLIG3NC3 OF YOUR SP3C13S FOR NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO FIGUR3 1T OUT**

**GC: WH1CH 1 W1LL K33P TO MYS3LF B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 SOM3 FUCK1NG M4NN3RS**

**EB: bluuuh, oh man, i got so served, bluuuuuuuuuh!**

**GC: 1 4M UNF4Z3D BY YOUR HUM4N BLUHS**

**GC: 4NYW4Y 1F 1T W4S SO OBV1OUS WHY D1DNT YOU GU3SS TH3 COD3?**

**EB: well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific.**

**EB: it was because shut up.**

**EB: shut up is why.**

**GC: :D**

**EB: i guess i'll make this rocket now.**

**EB: and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick.**

**GC: OK JOHN**

**GC: ONC3 YOU M4K3 1T 1M SUR3 3V3N YOU 4ND YOUR UND3RD3V3LOP3D BON3 NOOK W1LL B3 4BL3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO**

**GC: T4LK TO YOU ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 :]**

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

John made the rocket pack, but before he flew up to the highest gate, he was pestered by Dave.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**TG: ok im in**

**EB: in where?**

**TG: the medium**

**EB: oh, already?**

**TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn hours**

**EB: huh, i guess time flew by while i was doing other stuff.**

**EB: how did it go?**

**EB: with you and jade i guess?**

**TG: i dont want to talk about it**

**TG: imagine the worst day of my life**

**TG: just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech**

**TG: then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down**

**EB: ew dog! ewwww!**

**TG: yeah**

**EB: so nasty! gross dude!**

**TG: stfu**

**TG: what are you doing**

**EB: i'm in a rocket pack and i am about to blast off into space.**

**TG: ok**

**EB: it should be sweet.**

**TG: i need some advice**

**TG: my kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it**

**TG: turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole**

**TG: with a sword in it**

**TG: it seems to want me to prototype it again**

**TG: not sure what to do**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: have you asked rose?**

**TG: shes asleep for some reason**

**EB: wow, really?**

**TG: yeah i saw her there**

**TG: all tuckered out**

**TG: like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander**

**TG: cause obviously its fuckin prime time for swiping some shuteye about now**

**TG: like a few hours into her magic stupid quest**

**TG: anyway what do you think**

**EB: i don't really know, i mean...**

**EB: it's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something.**

**EB: unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, i'm not sure what to tell you!**

**TG: ok fine but**

**TG: it seems to be suggesting something here**

**TG: and**

**TG: i guess im kinda weirded out by its suggestion**

**EB: i don't know, just do what it says!**

**EB: it knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than i do...**

**EB: i gotta go!**

**EB: gonna blast off to the seventh gate.**

**EB: and, uh, win this game i guess.**

**TG: ok well it definitely sounds like youre fucking something up over there**

**TG: but alright later**

**EB: later.**

A bunch of imps stood around the Alchemiter, where John stood, ready to blast off. He took Casey into protective custody by captchaloguing her. This was absolutely no place for children. He blasted off. "PCHOOOOO!"

Dave had arrived on his planet in The Medium, the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC). All around him were half-built buildings with gears turning on them. Lava poured from all directions into the sea of it below.

A few hours into the future, Dave appeared on a gear on the lava, wearing a white suit with a bowtie and holding his broken sword, both with Dave's signature broken disc logo on them. He jumped from gear to gear on the lava, slashing amber imps (that had all previous characteristics of imps plus swords through their stomachs) into millions of pieces of grist. He used his time-shifting timetables to jump into the future. A couple of sulfur ogres appeared and Calsprite helped Future Dave kill them by shooting them with a laser. Within the laser were a bunch of puppets. Finally, he and Calsprite defeated the ogres and they turned into a bunch of grist, which Dave collected. He rewound time way into the past and a pair of basilisks appeared. He killed them, producing amber, sulfur, and build grist. He then flew into the far future and killed a ruby giclops, producing some ruby grist, which he collected.

Figuring he'd collected enough grist, Future Dave consulted Calsprite.

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: shut up**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HAA HEE HEE **

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO**

**DAVE: no**

**DAVE: just**

**DAVE: god damn it**

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA**

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HOO HOO HEE HEE**

**DAVE: please**

**DAVE: just once**

**DAVE: shut the hell up**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HAA HEE HEE HOO**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HEE HAA HEE HAA**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA HAA**

**DAVE: shut up**

**CALSPRITE: HEE HEE HEE HAA HAA HAA**

**CALSPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HEE HEE HEE**

**DAVE: shut**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: the**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: fuck**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HOO HOO**

**DAVE: up**

**CALSPRITE: HAA HAA HEE HEE HAA HOO**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**TG: thats it i cant take it anymore**

**TG: it was such a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass**

**TG: im going back**

**TT: Already?**

**TG: what do you mean already shit took 4 goddamn months**

**TG: or something**

**TG: i dont know im kind of losing track of how long its been with all this time hopping**

**TT: It just sounds like you're making a rash decision based on temporary aggravation with a laughing puppet.**

**TT: I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back.**

**TT: To gather information, and avoid repeating mistakes.**

**TG: what else is there to know**

**TG: we lost**

**TG: cant finish the game with a dead heir and witch**

**TT: We don't know Jade is dead for sure.**

**TG: yeah well she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again**

**TG: or the trolls for that matter**

**TG: after they tricked john into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen**

**TG: i guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us**

**TG: and since john died he couldnt get jade in on time so whether shes alive or not shes as good as dead from our perspective **

**TG: only thing left to do is change all that**

**TT: Are you sure you're ready?**

**TT: You'll remember the plan we discussed?**

**TG: theres not much to remember**

**TG: i go back and tell john not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge**

**TG: i dont know what he was thinking**

**TG: even we couldnt kill one of those things yet**

**TG: with our higher levels and all our sick gear**

**TT: It still seems hasty to me.**

**TT: Maybe I'm just not as comfortable with time travel as you.**

**TG: nah itll be fine dont worry**

**TT: After you go, what do you think will happen to me?**

**TT: Will I just cease to exist?**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: i mean your whole timeline will**

**TG: maybe**

**TT: Maybe?**

**TT: Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever?**

**TT: I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.**

**TG: the thing with time travel is**

**TG: you cant overthink it**

**TG: just roll with it and see what happens**

**TG: and above all try not to do anything retarded**

**TT: What do you think I should do?**

**TG: try going to sleep**

**TG: our dream selves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum i think**

**TG: so if part of you from this timelines going to persist thats probably the way to make it happen**

**TT: Ok.**

**TG: and hey you might even be able to help your past dream self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through**

**TT: I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the word "self" and still understand what we're talking about.**

**TG: the true purpose is to make a sprite that doesnt make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem**

**TG: anything else is gravy**

**TT: If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time.**

**TT: I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.**

**TG: yeah thatd be cool i guess**

**TG: im gonna go now**

**TT: Good luck.**

Future Dave used his time-reversing time timetables to reverse time back to when he was standing on his roof with his bird sprite and a torn-up Lil' Cal on the ground.

Back in the past, John got ready to blast off from the Alchemiter, but Dave pestered him again.

**TG: WAIT**

**EB: what?**

**TG: dont go yet**

**TG: somethings up**

**EB: ugh…**

**TG: ok its me from the future**

**EB: huh? **

**TG: its me**

**TG: i just appeared**

**TG: from the future**

**TG: wearing a rad suit**

**TG: he says dont go**

**TG: or youre gonna die**

**EB: pfffff. **

**EB: lame. **

**EB: what kind of gullible stooge do you think i am?**

**TG: he says i dunno gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to**

**EB: this is like some terrible april fools prank. **

**EB: but 13 days too late. **

**EB: remember, you are talking to the pranking MASTER. **

**TG: ok that was probably the dumbest thing you ever said just now**

**EB: if future you is real, then why don't you let me talk to him. **

**TG: do you hear what youre saying oh my god**

**TG: this guy is me if i get him to talk to you youre just talking to me again jesus it proves nothing**

**EB: hold on, someone else is bugging me. **

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]****began pestering ectoBiologist** **[EB] ****\- **

**TG: john stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit**

**TG: if our friendship means anything youll listen to me and past dave**

**TG: this is future dave by the way**

**EB: hahaha! **

**EB: wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt! **

**EB: using your phone and computer at the same time to message me. **

**EB: you're kind of going through a lot of trouble actually, i don't know why you're bothering with this. **

**TG: yeah exactly why would i bother**

**TG: this sort of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine**

**TG: dont make me track you down through time and stop you in person**

**EB: you can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH! **

**EB: pchoooooo! **

**TG: oh god did you just blast off**

**EB: no... **

**EB: but that would have been sweet if i did just then. **

**TG: ok well just dont ok**

**TG: im turning this timeline over to past dave**

**TG: and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time**

**TG: just stay on the goddamn ground for fucks sake**

**EB: ok, i guess…**

Future Dave put all his captchalogue cards on the ground and leaped backwards into the kernelsprite behind him.

**DAVE: hey**

**DAVESPRITE: sup**


	37. Book 3 Chapter 5: Davesprite

Chapter 5: Davesprite

John didn't care what Dave said. He was going to up through the gate. He took Casey into protective custody and blasted off. "PCHOOOOO!" he yelled excitedly. THIS WAS STUPID!

Because this was in the past, other stuff happened that we've already seen. Remember Rose pestering Dave?

**TT: Strider.**

**TT: I need you to do me a favor.**

**TT: Can you take a capture of my bedroom and send me the file?**

**TT: For no reason in particular?**

And then Rose pestering Jade?

**TT: He's not answering.**

**GG: yeah hes pretty tied up right now!**

**TT: Can you hassle him via Sburb and tell him to talk to me?**

**TT: Bop him on the head with a puppet or something?**

**GG: noooooooooooooooooooo**

**GG: he made me promise not to bug him while im asleep!**

**TT: Can you do it anyway?**

**GG: but he will find a way to be clever and make me punch myself in the face again :(**

**TT: Did he tell you what I wrote on the walls?**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: What?**

Rose thereafter bundled up her knittings into a cozy nest because she had no bed, thanks to Strider. She wasn't all that tired though. It was hard to imagine falling asleep without the luxury of Harley's narcolepsy. When she fell asleep finally, her future dream self ceased to exist.

Davesprite talked to the troll with the red glasses and teal Libra shirt on through his computer glasses.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began trolling gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **\- **

**TG: dont talk to john anymore hes an impressionable doofus**

**TG: your plan didnt work**

**TG: i mean it did**

**TG: but then suddenly it didnt**

**TG: so you might as well quit trying**

**GC: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S**

**TG: what**

**TG: youre aliens do you even have orange creamsicles**

**GC: OF COURS3 WH4T K1ND OF 4WFUL C1V1L1Z4T1ON WOULDNT 1NV3NT OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S**

**GC: NOT ON3 1D W4NT 4NYTH1NG TO DO W1TH**

**TG: ok pretty far fetched but whatever**

**TG: no more hijinks from you cause ill make sure they wont work**

**GC: W3LL OBV1OUSLY 1 KN3W 1T W4SNT GO1NG TO WORK**

**GC: MY FR13NDS H4V3 B33N T4LK1NG TO JOHN FROM TH3 FUTUR3**

**GC: YOUR FUTUR3**

**GC: WH3R3 H3S NOT D34D**

**GC: SO TH3R3 W4S NO W4Y WH4T 1 D1D W4S GO1NG TO K1LL H1M**

**GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO M3SS W1TH H1M 4ND STUFF**

**TG: i dont think youre following**

**TG: you DID kill him sort of**

**TG: then i went back in time to stop him**

**GC: Y34H 1 G3USS3D TH3R3 W4S 4 CH4NC3 SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T M1GHT H4PP3N**

**TG: alright but**

**TG: did you guess that by trolling john to his grave**

**TG: and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline**

**TG: that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along**

**TG: where future me is now helping dave and we just keep playing**

**TG: and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble youre all in now**

**TG: thus leading you all to troll us incompetently**

**GC: OH**

**GC: NO :[**

**GC: 1 D1DNT TH1NK OF TH4T**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: see**

**TG: none of you ever thinks anything through**

**TG: whos in charge of timeline management there**

**TG: i gotta give him the business**

**GC: SH3 DO3SNT W4NT TO T4LK TO 4NY OF YOU**

**GC: 4ND H4S M1SG1V1NGS 4BOUT TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG**

**GC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 TH4T 3NTHUS1AST1C 4BOUT TROLL1NG YOU GUYS**

**GC: 4ND TH3 ON3S WHO 4R3 SORT OF SUCK 4T 1T :|**

**TG: well at least you got john to off himself so i guess youre not totally incompetent like the others**

**TG: like that awful rapper**

**GC: SO JOHN 4CTU4LLY D1D WH4T 1 S41D?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: im telling you**

**TG: huge pushover**

**TG: he will do what you say**

**TG: unless it happens to be for his own good**

**TG: then all a sudden hes a tough nut to crack go figure**

**GC: NOW 1 F33L K1ND4 B4D**

**GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 1 C4NT T4LK TO H1M**

**GC: 3V3N 1F 1TS JUST TO 4POLOG1Z3**

**GC: WOULD TH4T B3 OK W1TH YOU S1R BR4V3 KN1GHT :?**

**TG: yeah thats fine i guess**

**TG: no more coy bullshit antics though**

**TG: not even like**

**TG: an idiotic angry winking emote**

**GC: OR WH4T**

**GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO HUNT M3 DOWN THROUGH T1M3 OOOOOH OH NO**

**GC: ;]**

**TG: yeah**

**GC: YOU DO R34L1Z3 1M W4Y H1GH3R ON MY 3CH3L4DD3R TH4N YOU**

**GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 FUTUR3**

**GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W4NT TO G3T YOUR CLOCK3D CL34N3D BY 4 BL1ND CH1CK**

**TG: ok even if thats true**

**TG: i just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now i got all these crazy powers**

**GC: UGH**

**GC: S3LF PROTOTYP1NG SO DUMB**

**GC: TH1S 1S WHY YOU 4LL SCR3W UP SO B4D**

**GC: 4LW4YS B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S L1K3 TH4T**

**GC: OH W3LL C4NT STOP YOU NOW SO M1GHT 4S W3LL DROP 1T**

**GC: H3Y D4V3**

**TG: what**

**GC: 1V3 B33N R3S34RCH1NG SOM3 OF YOUR 34RTH SO4P OP3R4S**

**GC: ****1S TH1S YOU** **(**** /1STH1SYOUD4V3****)**

**TG: oh jegus fuck no**

**TG: why would that breathtaking douche remind you of me at all**

**GC: BUT H3 H4S 4 F13RY P3RSON4LITY**

**GC: SORT OF BR4SH 4ND 1MP3TUOUS**

**GC: 4ND 1N YOUR F4C3**

**GC: L1K3 F1R3 1TS3LF :D**

**TG: now i know youre bullshitting me**

**TG: do i seem like the kind of guy whod accept a magic ring from whoopi goldberg**

**TG: to awaken some egregious homofantasy for a ripped blue dudes mammoth eco friendly bulge**

**TG: that guys an asshole and needs to be sealed in a dufflebag and whipped something ungodly with a bamboo chute**

**GC: WHOS WHOOP1 GOLDB3RG**

**TG: who cares**

**GC: OK 1 M4D3 SOM3 MOD1F1C4T1ONS**

**GC: ****TH1S 1S SO YOU D4V3 COM3 ON 4DM1T 1T** **(**** /1T1SYOU1SNT1T****)**

**TG: ahahahahaha**

**TG: ok yeah that is pretty much fucking spot on**

**TG: youre actually a pretty good troll**

**TG: as long as you dont bug john i guess thats all there is to say on the matter**

**GC: TH4NKS D4V3**

**GC: TO B3 F41R**

**GC: 1M SUR3 3V3RY ON3 OF US W1SH3S W3 THOUGHT OF FUTUR3 S3LF PROTOTYP1NG F1RST**

**GC: SO**

**GC: YOUR3 NOT R34LLY 4LL TH4T T3RR1BL3 ;]**

**DAVE: who were you talking to**

**DAVESPRITE: just telling a troll to step off**

**DAVE: ok cool**

**DAVE: so now that youre a sprite**

**DAVE: do you know everything about the game**

**DAVESPRITE: well i knew a lot anyway**

**DAVESPRITE: cause im from the future**

**DAVESPRITE: but yeah i know more stuff now**

**DAVESPRITE: like things meant specifically for sprites to clue players in on**

**DAVESPRITE: but packaged in these like**

**DAVESPRITE: i guess riddles**

**DAVESPRITE: im supposed to be cagey about it**

**DAVESPRITE: but i dont really feel like it**

**DAVESPRITE: ask me anything go ahead ill give you a straight answer**

**DAVE: alright**

**DAVE: here goes**

**DAVE: why are we so fucking awesome**

**DAVESPRITE: thats the best fucking question anybody ever asked**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: so is everything cool with this john business**

**DAVE: is he gonna be ok**

**DAVESPRITE: thats up to him**

**DAVESPRITE: if he decides to wise up and listen to us**

**DAVESPRITE: if not then we just bail everyone out yet again**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVESPRITE: all that gear you picked up should let you breeze through the first couple gates**

**DAVESPRITE: even at a low level**

**DAVESPRITE: later youll unlock the ability to bring your sprite down with you**

**DAVESPRITE: and well take care of shit together**

**DAVESPRITE: til then i guess just mess around and let jade build up or whatever**

**DAVESPRITE: ill go kill some time**

**DAVESPRITE: maybe draw some comics**

**DAVE: like what**

**DAVESPRITE: i dont know**

**DAVESPRITE: whats the last one you did**

**DAVE: i was in the middle of the nancho party arc**

**DAVESPRITE: oh yeah**

**DAVESPRITE: i gave up on that half way through**

**DAVE: yeah that was sorta the plan**

**DAVE: making a ten part story about nachos was always a bullshit idea**

**DAVESPRITE: lets do some brainstorming later**

**DAVESPRITE: blow everyones minds**

**DAVE: yeah sure**

Dave fist-bumped Davesprite.

Meanwhile, a while back in the story, John opened Dave's package to him. There was something suspicious inside. Something suspiciously dirty and smelly.

It was a stuffed bunny! Much like the one held hostage briefly by Malkovich's Cyrus "The Virus" while taunting hard-luck protagonist Cameron Poe. And strikingly similar to the one scooped up from the soot of a burning Vegas strip by Cage's Poe and offered to his daughter, a gesture symbolic of a tattered exterior surrounding a heart of gold. Poe wasn't much to look at. But he was a good man.

But no. It wasn't merely _like_ that bunny. According to this note of authenticity, it was the very same bunny. This was so awesome!

Included was a note from his best bro Dave.

**so hey **

**since its your bday i had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so i got you this godawful thing and now i just know youre standing there flipping your shit over it so youre welcome. **

**its the actual gross bunny in the movie so that means nick cage actually grubbed it up with his clownish no talent fingers. i would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know youre dead serious about this ridiculous shit so youll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff. **

**but the weird thing is thats whats cool about you. youre this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. one day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and i know im going to have to get you off the hook but its cool i got your back bro. **

**then we'll meet and hug bump and get each others filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah **

**peace dawg **

**tg**

As John in the future flew up to the gate that would take him to fight the denizen, he thought back to this very letter and also to Dave's recent pesterlogs. He thought about his friendship with Dave, reconsidered his choice and spiraled off to the right with his rocket pack just before he passed through the gate.

**TG: did you blast off like a spazzy douche yet or what**

**EB: yeah, of course!**

**EB: there was no way i wasn't trying out this sweet ride.**

**TG: god dammit what do i have to do to make you believe me**

**TG: fist bump my future self til i got bloody knuckles and write you an even sappier bday note in my own blood**

**TG: on a back to the future poster**

**EB: relax, i'm not going through the gate!**

**EB: i am just flying around, and having a good time in the sky.**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: so you believe me then**

**TG: about future me**

**TG: and like**

**TG: him turning into a floating sword bird**

**EB: um...**

**EB: ok, i don't know anything about that...**

**EB: but it doesn't matter!**

**EB: you're my best bro, and if you say not to go then i won't go.**

**EB: hey, can you hold on?**

**EB: i'm getting trolled again.**

**TG: oh man and if weve just concluded anything its that talking to those dbags should be priority number one so yeah go right ahead**

**EB: ok, brb.**

**CG: I KEEP SCROLLING BACKWARDS THROUGH YOUR ADVENTURE.**

**CG: TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER HOW YOU BOTCH THIS UP SO BADLY.**

**CG: AND I KEEP FINDING THESE STRIKING POCKETS OF FOOLISHNESS.**

**CG: LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING NOW.**

**CG: RIDING YOUR LITTLE RED ROCKET.**

**CG: LIKE YOU ARE A FRESHLY HATCHED HUMAN LARVA AND THIS IS JUST ALL A BIG SCHOOLHIVE RUMPUS RESPITE.**

**EB: humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy.**

**EB: we don't hatch at all.**

**EB: we are born as these like little pink monkeys called babies.**

**CG: BULLSHIT.**

**CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME.**

**EB: what did i say?**

**CG: I'LL PASTE WHAT YOU SAID.**

**EB: i thought you didn't like going down that road?**

**EB: copy-pasting future/past conversations...**

**CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.**

**EB: i dunno, that's what you just told me.**

**CG: WHATEVER, LOOK:**

**CG: EB: this is really weird...**

**CG: CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.**

**CG: EB: well, normally humans hatch...**

**CG: EB: from like these slimy pods.**

**CG: EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.**

**CG: CG: OH REALLY.**

**CG: CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.**

**EB: hahaha!**

**EB: i was punking you dude!**

**EB: or at least i will be in our next conversation.**

**EB: thanks for the great prank idea.**

**CG: ARGH.**

**CG: WHY WOULD YOU TRICK ME ABOUT THAT, WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT.**

**EB: i don't know, it was just a friendly prank.**

**EB: don't you ever play pranks?**

**EB: i mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good.**

**CG: WHAT, WHO.**

**EB: pffffff, you'll find out.**

**CG: WELL FINE.**

**CG: I GUESS YOU GOT ME BACK, SORT OF.**

**CG: FOR MY TROLLING, EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ MY WORST TROLLING EFFORTS YET.**

**CG: BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN IN YOUR FUTURE.**

**CG: AND EVEN THEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MIND MUCH, ALMOST LIKE YOU WERE DELIGHTED TO HEAR IT.**

**CG: KIND OF PERVERSE REALLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?**

**EB: well, we're friends by then, aren't we?**

**EB: or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends.**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.**

**EB: look, you're going to have to face it at some point...**

**EB: that you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.**

**CG: IS FRIENDSHIP REALLY AN EMOTION?**

**EB: yes, absolutely.**

**CG: I GUESS IT'S HARD TO SEE HOW WE BECOME FRIENDS.**

**CG: THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING.**

**CG: EVERY TIME I GO FURTHER BACK INTO YOUR PAST AND TALK TO YOU, YOU SAY STUFF THAT PERTAINS TO MY IMMEDIATE FUTURE.**

**CG: AND THEN YOU WON'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT'S GOING ON, BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY OLD NEWS FOR YOU.**

**EB: dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!**

**CG: I'VE DONE NO SUCH THING.**

**CG: I'VE BEEN EXCEPTIONALLY INFORMATIVE AND HELPFUL.**

**CG: IF JUSTIFIABLY ACRIMONIOUS.**

**EB: you never answer my questions, though.**

**EB: how am i supposed to know what's going on, or what you're alluding to?**

**CG: THIS GAME IS KIND OF A GAME OF A MILLION GUIDES.**

**CG: EVERYWHERE YOU TURN THERE'S ANOTHER WAY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, SO PLEASE, GO SECRETE ME AN EARTH RIVER THROUGH YOUR STRANGE HUMAN TEAR DUCTS.**

**CG: YOU'VE GOT SPRITES, EXILES, GUARDIANS, CONSORTS...**

**CG: TIME HOPPING FUTURE SELVES, MYSTICAL DREAM ORACLE DOPPELGANGERS...**

**CG: AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, YOUR PARTICULAR GROUP OF PLAYERS IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE US TO GIVE YOU THE SCOOP ON STUFF.**

**CG: THROUGH A SORT OF SUBVERSION OF THE WHOLE DAMN THING.**

**CG: EVEN THOUGH WE HATE YOU.**

**CG: AND EVEN THOUGH THE FACT THAT WE HATE YOU**

**CG: IS AN IMMUTABLE FACT AS UNALTERABLE AS THIS WRITHING KNOTTED HELL OF A TIMELINE CHOKING US ALL TO DEATH**

**CG: IT DOES NOT MEAN WE HAVE ANY REASON TO WITHHOLD ANY INFORMATION FROM YOU**

**CG: OR DISH IT OUT THROUGH CRYPTOBAFFLING MIND FUDDLERY.**

**CG: SO GO AHEAD, ASK ME ANYTHING.**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: what's the point of the game.**

**CG: ASK SOMETHING ELSE.**

**CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT.**

**CG: IT WAS THIS WHOLE BIG CONVERSATION WE HAD.**

**EB: augh!**

**EB: fine.**

**EB: where are you now?**

**CG: IN THE MEDIUM.**

**CG: A SEPARATE SESSION FROM YOURS.**

**EB: no no, i know that!**

**EB: you already told me.**

**CG: I DID?**

**EB: yes, in your future.**

**CG: DAMMIT.**

**EB: what i mean is...**

**EB: are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what?**

**EB: just curious cause you can see me, but i can't see or know anything about you!**

**CG: WE'RE HIDING IN THE VEIL.**

**CG: WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.**

**EB: what's that?**

**CG: IT'S A HUGE BELT OF METEORS**

**CG: ORBITING WAY OUTSIDE SKAIA, BEYOND THE ORBIT OF THE PLANETS**

**CG: DIVIDING THE MEDIUM FROM THE FURTHEST RING**

**CG: WHERE DERSE ORBITS.**

**EB: derse?**

**CG: THE DARK PLANET.**

**CG: PROSPIT'S THE LIGHT ONE NEAR SKAIA.**

**EB: well jeez, how am i supposed to know any of this?**

**CG: YOU'D PROBABLY FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER FROM YOUR DUMB GRANDMA.**

**CG: BUT BY FUSING WITH THE SPRITE SHE HAS TO WITHHOLD STUFF AND BE MYSTERIOUS AND ALL.**

**CG: TO MAKE YOUR ADVENTURE SEEM MORE "MAAAAAAGICAL!"**

**CG: IT'S INFURIATING.**

**EB: ok, so the veil is a bunch of meteors...**

**EB: what do you mean "what's left of it"?**

**CG: OK, THERE COMES A TIME WHEN BLACK INEVITABLY BEATS WHITE**

**CG: ON THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE CENTER OF SKAIA**

**CG: THE WHITE KING IS CAPTURED OR KILLED OR SOMETHING**

**CG: THAT'S WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS.**

**EB: ok...**

**CG: THE RULERS OF DERSE**

**CG: THE BLACK KING AND QUEEN**

**CG: GET THE POWER TO SEND THE VEIL TOWARD SKAIA**

**CG: TO DESTROY IT**

**CG: THAT KIND OF STARTS YOUR BIG "COUNTDOWN"**

**CG: WHEN SHIT GETS SERIOUS.**

**EB: so then it's up to us to save it?**

**CG: YEAH, YOU HAVE THAT LONG TO KILL THE BLACK QUEEN AND KING**

**CG: AND SKAIA ITSELF SORT OF BUYS YOU SOME TIME**

**CG: BY ACTIVATING ITS DEFENSE PORTALS**

**CG: TO CATCH SOME OF THE METEORS**

**CG: THE THREAT GETS BIGGER THE LONGER YOU TAKE THOUGH**

**CG: SMALLER METEORS COME FIRST AND THEY GET PROGRESSIVELY BIGGER AND BIGGER**

**CG: AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH OF THEM SKAIA CAN ABSORB FOR YOU.**

**EB: ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right?**

**CG: THAT'S JUST IT.**

**CG: YOU DON'T.**

**CG: ORDINARILY YOU WOULD BUT**

**CG: YOUR RECKONING STARTS MUCH SOONER**

**CG: BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE**

**CG: YOU COMPLETELY BLEW IT ALREADY AND YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING ANYMORE**

**CG: WHICH ORDINARILY WOULD BE FINE**

**CG: JUST ANOTHER BUNCH OF LOSERS TO FAIL AT THIS GAME**

**CG: IT'S WHAT YOU DO LATER THAT CAUSES SO MUCH MORE TROUBLE THAN THAT**

**CG: AND NOW WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT TOO.**

**EB: oh no...**

**EB: what is it?**

**CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU.**

**CG: IT'S INEVITABLE AND COMPLETELY POINTLESS TO TALK ABOUT ANYWAY.**

**EB: yeah, well...**

**EB: maybe you're wrong!**

**EB: maybe there's something we can still do to stop it, if you just help us?**

**CG: I'M NOT WRONG, IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, YOU FUCK UP ROYALLY, END OF STORY.**

**EB: ok, we'll see about that, mr. sourbulge.**

**EB: hey, aren't you kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor?**

**EB: are you all huddled in a crater or something?**

**CG: NO, THERE'S ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT IN THE VEIL.**

**CG: A LOT OF THESE METEORS ARE KIND OF LIKE...**

**CG: BIG SEEDS.**

**EB: seeds?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: well, what kind of crazy shit is there?**

**CG: STUFF LIKE...**

**CG: BUILDINGS**

**CG: FACILITIES**

**CG: LIKE LABS AND STUFF.**

**EB: weird.**

**CG: YEAH, THE VEIL IS KIND OF LIKE NEUTRAL GROUND FOR THE KINGDOMS, LIKE OUR PLANETS.**

**CG: SOME PLACES ARE USED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER SOLDIERS AND AGENTS FOR THE TWO SIDES.**

**CG: USING GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE EXOTIC MENAGERIE OF CHESS PIECES ON THE BATTLEFIELD.**

**CG: TO HELP FUEL THE WAR AND KEEP RAISING THE STAKES.**

**EB: wow, i don't think i'm following this.**

**CG: YEAH NO SHIT!**

**CG: BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT WHEN YOU GET THERE**

**CG: SINCE YOU WERE IN THE VEIL WHEN WE LAST TALKED.**

**CG: ANYWAY THAT'S MORE THAN ENOUGH INFO FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT AND BE LESS STUPID IN TIME FOR CONVERSATIONS WE'VE ALREADY HAD.**

**CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.**

**EB: ok, but wait...**

**EB: can you give a message to GC for me?**

**EB: tell her nice try.**

**CG: WHAT**

**CG: WHY WOULD I GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR YOU**

**CG: DO IT YOURSELF, I'M NOT A RELAY SERVICE.**

**EB: oh, well i thought you'd be cool with it since you asked me to give her a message for you last time.**

**EB: but whatever.**

**CG: I FIND THAT HIGHLY IMPLAUSIBLE.**

**CG: I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY MORE OF YOUR HUMAN PRANKS.**

**CG: "NICE TRY" JOHN**

**CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**


	38. Book 3 Chapter 6: Andrew Hussie

Chapter 6: Andrew Hussie

Out beyond Skaia and the planets that orbited it lurked an asteroid belt called The Veil. But beyond The Veil lurked a planet known as Derse, upon which was a great evil kingdom which was host to many black carapacians along with Jack Noir and the Black King and Queen.

And speaking of Jack Noir, the carapacian himself sat at his desk, doodling over one of the numerous parking citations on his desk. He'd drawn a picture of the Black Queen and written "Huge bitch, bluh bluh" next to her. He crumpled the citation in his hand and looked at his fenestrated wall.

The Black Queen was shown walking along, and then suddenly she appeared next to him and cut the wall in half. She held up Jack's jester suit and motioned for him to put it on. Jack shook his head. She pointed at a pink hat on the floor and Jack stuck out his tongue in disgust.

"I don't want to wear these things!" He said angrily, but the Black Queen was adamant. She sat on his desk and watched as the Archagent reluctantly wore various suits that she directed him to wear.

Jack gradually got angrier and angrier until eventually, he tore one of the dresses she had told him to wear clean in half.

Over in one of Derse's towers, Dream Rose Lalonde inspected the walls of her room. They were covered with the letters "M," "E," "O," and "W" in a random order over and over and over again.

Meanwhile, on the kids' planets, Dave and Davesprite sat at Dave's computer, working on some SBAHJ stuff, John flew through the LOWAS sky with his rocket pack, and Rose and Jade slept while their dream selves messed around on Derse and Prospit, respectively. In the meantime, Rose's Mom, John's Dad, and Dave's Bro fought powerful enemies with their meager weapons on LOLAR, LOWAS, and LOHAC respectively. Something was happening. Something big.

The Black Queen held her sword to Jack Noir's throat. "This is treason," she whispered viciously. Jack reached into the green box, pulled something out, and suddenly the ring on the Black Queen's finger exploded, exploding Noir's ruler in the process.

Noir picked the ring up off the ground, covered in the blood from the matricide he'd just performed, and put it on his finger. His eye became covered in a scratch, his arm disappeared just past the shoulder, tentacles appeared from his side, and a jester hat appeared on his head along with a sword. The sword was through his stomach.

He grew giant black wings like a bird and leaped into the sky. He was Jack Noir, and he'd just become the new ruler of Derse.

Meanwhile, or not really meanwhile at all… hold on. Somewhere outside of time and space, the fourth fenestrated wall was located and activated.

A blue room appeared through the wall. An orange-skinned man sat at his desk, drawing on a specially-designed drawing pad. What he was drawing appeared on the screen. It was kind of like a mouse, but a drawing-based mouse instead of a dragging-based mouse.

The man turned and saw the fourth wall. Oh hell no. This was such a bad idea, and yet, he was drained, mentally and physically. He hadn't been able to finish Homestuck. He'd failed. Well, there was always tomorrow.

What's that you say? What was Mr. Orange Guy's name (because as we all knew all along, this was Mr. Orange Guy)? Andrew Hussie, the writer of Homestuck and many other MS Paint adventures besides.

He really wished his side of the fourth wall had an off switch, though. It wasn't time for a self-indulgent insertion into Homestuck. Maybe? Maybe not. In any case, he realized he'd been speaking in 3rd person about himself, so I switched to 1st person.

Yes, I really wished my side of the fourth wall had an off switch. Okay, in any case, you know who I am, so I'm going to take a break and then I'll come back and recap Homestuck so far. How does that sound? Okay, good night.

And… I'm back. That really wasn't that long at all. Anyway, here's the super long recap I promised.

**Homestuck began** **on April 13th, 2009, the 13th birthday of our chief protagonist and future boy-skylark, John Egbert. Three days prior** **was supposed to be the day he received the Sburb Beta** **in the mail, but it was running late. It showed up later that afternoon, and after overcoming a variety** **of domestic adversities, he retrieved the game, along with a birthday package** **from his internet friend, Dave Strider. **

**John soon established a game connection** **with another friend, Rose Lalonde, who'd spent the day badgering him** **about playing with her, after unsuccessfully attempting to convince Dave** **to play. Upon connecting, Rose was able to manipulate John's environment, move his furniture around via cursor, and restructure the shape of his room. John was unable** **to do this to Rose's environment however. He'd installed the client copy of the beta, and required the server copy for that. **

**The server copy** **was trapped in his dad's car, along with a birthday package** **from another friend, Jade Harley. Jade messaged** **John inquiring about the package. As of this moment, neither her package nor the server copy has been recovered by John. Rose had also prepared a package** **for John, but had not mailed it yet. It still sits in her room. Dave's package** **contained the authentic stuffed bunnyfrom Con Air. **

**In addition to allowing Rose to control John's environment, Sburb provided an array of devices** **Rose deployedthroughout** **John's house. These devices** **used together provided a system** **by which the players could manufacture any item** **using the code** **on the back of that item's captchalogue card, if they gathered enough grist to pay for it. Later, they would learn to combine item codes** **to master the art** **of punch card alchemy, whereby items could be fused together in purpose** **and design. **

**One device on being activated** **began a countdown, and released** **an entity called a kernelsprite. The countdown ticked down to the moment John's house would be struck by a meteor, destroying his neighborhood. To escape this demise, John had to use the devicesto manufacture** **a special item** **that looked like a blue apple, and take a bite** **of it, in order to transport** **his entire house just before impact to the safety of a mysterious dark realm, where his house would situate itself atop a tall rock column high above a blanket of clouds. This realm is called the Medium. **

**Before he entered the Medium though, John and Rose prototyped** **his kernelsprite with the large harlequin doll his dad got him for his birthday, transforming** **the sprite to bear its likeness, including the ways the doll was disfigured via earlier hijinks. It had a slashed eye and one arm, and so too did the sprite. When John entered the Medium, the sprite's kernel hatched, thus imbuing all the enemies John and his friends would face with properties of the sprite. The lesser adversaries John faced first, Shale Imps, all wore harlequin garbs. They became more powerful and more radically mutated with each successive pre-Medium prototyping. **

**After entering the Medium, John's dad was kidnapped by imps. While John was looking for him, he accidentally prototyped the sprite** **with his grandmother's ashes, transforming it again. This prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the Medium, and the kernel had already hatched. Instead, only the sprite was affected, and it took on the appearance, personality, and memories of his grandmother, becoming Nannasprite, a game-supplied albeit customized guide for John. She explained aspects of the game, about Skaia** **residing at the center of the Medium, beyond seven gates floating directly above his house, and about an eternal/timeless war** **fought there between dark and light, one that light was always destined to lose. **

**Rose, who'd been having frequent internet connection issues, lost her connection** **as she tried to lift John's car to retrieve the game and the package. The car fell into the abyss below. A storm** **caused her house to lose power along with its wireless internet connection. Her laptop was able to run on battery power for a time, while she tapped into the wireless signal** **from the laboratory next door. When her laptop ran out of power, she had to overcome more family strife** **(and endure a gift pony** **in the process), go outside in the rain, and plug it into the small generator** **outside the mausoleum** **of her dead cat, Jaspers. She continued her session** **with John inside the mausoleum, while the meteor-sparked forest fire surrounding her house grew more intense. **

**From the house, Rose's mom opened** **a secret passage in the mausoleum to help her escape. The passage** **lead to the lab** **next door, where Rose found** **a stable, portable source of power and internet for her computer. She also found a terminal** **projecting the impact times and locations for the millions of meteors presently bombarding the planet, along with all the other live sessions of other players around the world. She also found a little girl's room,a mutant kitten** **she named Vodka Mutini,** **and a cloning machine** **operating through the science of ectobiology. Its terminal was locked** **on to her cat Jaspers at whatever point in his life** **the user specified. **

**She attempted to appearify** **Jaspers from a moment in her early childhood, before he whispered a secret** **to her. But doing so would have caused a paradox, so it appearified (paradoxified)** **a pile of slime instead. The machine used the slime to create a fetal paradox clone** **of Jaspers in a glass tube. On the monitor, Jaspers then told young Rose the secret, then vanished, only to show up** **dead weeks later and put in the mausoleum** **for years until the present. Rose left** **the laboratory moments before it was destroyed by a meteor impact.** **She transportalized** **back to her mom's room, proceeded to her room to wait for Dave to connect** **with her and rescue her from the next imminent impact. **

**Dave was charged** **with acquiring his bro's copy of the game to help Rose. Earlier he had lost his copy of the game to a mishap involving a crow. It flew in his window, seized the game, and Dave accidentally impaled it** **with a sword, sending the crow and the game out the window onto a landing far below** **his apartment. He searched** **his bro's room** **unable to find it, was briefly shadowed by Lil Cal, and then found a note** **beckoning him to meet on the roof for** **a confrontation. Dave and his bro dueled on the roof extensively, and Dave was thoroughly bested. Upon defeating Dave, his bro dropped the copies of the game, and flew off on his rocket board into the sky. **

**Dave used the copies to connect with Rose, and quickly deployed the devices** **while her house was on fire, surrounded by flaming tornadoes, and minutes away from being destroyed by a meteor. Rose prototyped her kernelsprite with Jaspers, specifically to understand the meaning of the secret he whispered to her years ago. She was advised to do this by Jade, who told her** **about the game in the first place. Dave then prototyped the kernelsprite again with the tentacled princess doll** **given to Rose on her birthday by her mom. Both of these prototypings would have an effect** **on the enemies** **once Rose entered the Medium and the kernel hatched. Rose used the alchemiter to create the special item - for her, a purple wine bottle - which she needed to break to enter. She eventually did, transporting her house just before the meteor collided. **

**The meteor** **left a crater. Over time, at the site of impact, a large, white structure that looked like a wine bottle grew there, and the crater filled up with sand as the climate of the post-apocalyptic Earth gradually changed. The "cork"** **of that bottle was a large metal cylinder** **with an interior much like an advanced science station, with a variety** **of devices** **and monitors** **inside. 413 years after the meteor impact, the Wayward Vagabond** **walked through the desert** **and discovered** **this station. Inside, he found cannedrations, a firefly** **he named Serenity, an appearifier, and four** **monitors** **hooked up to a keyboard. **

**On one of the monitors was John, just after he'd entered the Medium. WV could type commands** **to John directly, much as the readers of this story could type commands for the characters to follow. Most of John's actions** **upon entering the Medium were authored** **by WV****, until he became preoccupied with other activities, such as building a town** **out of cans, playing chess with cans, and drawing chalk murals depicting the cosmological arrangement of Skaia, the Medium, the light and dark planets known as Prospit** **and Derse, and the four planets** **the kids would each occupy upon entering the game, called The Land of Wind and Shade (John), The Land of Light and Rain (Rose), the Land of Heat and Clockwork (Dave), and Jade's planet, which is yet to be seen. **

**He also activated a countdown** **in the station which caused it to blast out of the crater and fly to designated "home" coordinates. Along the way, it passed over the sand-filled crater that was the impact site for John's meteor, on the other side of the continent. John's meteor had caused a giant white tree to grow in the crater. The tree grew an apple-like station** **from a branch, which fell to the sand. The Peregrine Mendicant found this station. After WV flew overhead, PM activated** **her station's homing feature as well, which caused it to fly** **to the same destination. Along the way, she used her terminal to attempt to command Jade, who from the perspective of the terminal, had just arrived in the Medium. This caused the terminal to explode** **for unknown reasons, leaving a hole in the station. One of the station's robotic worms recovered** **one of PM's falling mailboxes, and she befriended** **it, after earlier slaying another one with her black regisword. **

**WV landed** **at the site of the ancient frog ruins** **across the now dried up Pacific Ocean. The site was once the island where Jade lived, but nothing of the island remained except for the ruins. The mountain her house was on, and the volcano next to it, were replaced by a large empty chasm. PM landed** **shortly after WV, and they met. They were confronted by the Aimless Renegade, who fired atthem** **from the frog ruins with old weaponry he'd been hoarding, once belonging to Jade's grandpa. Millions of years ago, the frog ruins grew** **from a crater, struck by a meteor that emerged from a Sburb portal in space. Jade's radioactive, omnipotent, space-warping dog named Becquerel emerged** **from this crater as well. **

**Jade's grandpapioneered** **this island, and built the house Jade lives in. Her grandpa** **has been dead** **for many years, and stands stuffed in front** **of the fireplace. She has been looked after** **by her dog who she calls Bec. She begins the day with several tasks to** **accomplish - to feed Bec, and to retrieve** **a birthday package mailed** **by John. She irradiates** **a steak, and heads outside** **to the site where the package will be dropped. She knows it will be dropped there because one of the reminders** **she wears on her fingers jogs her memory about it. She wears them to keep track** **of the many things** **she knows about the future, through dreams. **

**She falls asleep frequently and spontaneously. When she sleeps, her dream self** **is awake, and living on the moon that orbits the light planet, Prospit. Prospit very closely orbits Skaia, a huge sphere of blue sky and clouds, which nanna describes as a "dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential." When Prospit's moon eclipses Skaia, it drifts into Skaia for a time, mingling with the clouds. Dream Jade then witnesses** **many past and future events in the clouds. While asleep, she is often confused about what is real and what isn't. When she wakes up, she pieces together** **future events from her memory of the cloud visions, and from logs recorded by her dreambot. Her dreambot** **is a robotic surrogate that activates while she sleeps in her bed. It mimics in the real world the movement and actions** **of her dream self on the moon, and records a video log of what she sees while dreaming. **

**Prospit's moon** **has two towers** **of identical design, and similar design to Jade's house. Dream Jade** **lives in one tower. Dream John Lives** **in the other. Dream John is still asleep, and John has no knowledge of the dream world, which is to say, the entire game session** **he would initiate on his 13th birthday. When he goes to sleep, instead of waking up on the moon as Jade does, he remains slumbering in his dream room, tormented by his subconscious. This torment is expressed when he sleepwalks, and draws troubling scribbles** **on the walls of his room. When awake, he cannot see the scribbles, as is subconscious suppresses his awareness of them. It is not until he has a perception-altering revelation** **about his dad does he begin to see them. He initially believed they were new additions to his room, perhaps scrawled** **by imps. However they were present long before, visible in his room while he prepared Jade's birthday package months ago. **

**John prepared a package for each of his three friends, whose 13th birthdays** **were December 1st (Jade), 3rd (Dave), and 4th (Rose). He gave Rose** **a knitting set, and she then took an intense interest knitting. He gave Dave** **the pair of shades Ben Stiller wore in Starsky and Hutch, which he wore** **from then on, replacing the shades in the style his bro wore. He gave Jade** **a blue version of his own ghost shirt, and some pumpkin seeds to help her replace the pumpkins that kept disappearing from her garden. But she did not receive this on the birthday** **John intended. She received it in the past, on her birthday when she was very young, causing her to take an interest in gardening** **in the first place, to take a liking to blue apparel, and to eventually befriend John over the internet and lead him, Rose, and Dave down a path where they would ultimately play this game together. **

**Jade did retrieve** **his package in the present as planned, but immediately took it** **to another location where it disappeared. WV in the far future appearified** **it from that location on accident. The package contained further instructions** **for him. He was to bring it** **to PM, and she was to use her station's sendificator** **to send it to another place and time. After she did this, the package appeared** **in front of young Jade on her birthday. Jade orchestrated the sequence of events through knowledge of them by her cloud visions. **

**She orchestrated similar events for the package she sent to John, plotting the circuitous route through time and space it was meant to follow. She again utilized the exiles for help, while they were still in the Medium. The exiles, WV, PM, and AR, were all formerly agents of the kingdoms, before they were exiled by some means to post-apocalyptic Earth. AR, as an Authority Regulator** **in the Land of Wind and Shade, discovered** **the package and the beta copy in John's wrecked car as he gave it a parking ticket. PM, working as a Parcel Mistress, recognized the package from a correspondence** **she had with Jade on Prospit some time ago, and recalled it must be delivered to John. AR would not relinquish the package, though he did give her the beta, which she delivered into a pyxis to satisfy the carved request of a minitablet. John carved** **this tablet at the request of PM through the command terminal in the future. **

**AR brought the package to Derse, where it ultimately wound up on the desk of Jack Noir. Jack is the archagent of the dark kingdom, charged with overseeing affairs through his office's fenestrated wall portals, and processing paperwork. He is forced to wear a silly garment** **in keeping with prototyping themes by the Black Queen, an order he resentfully** **complies with. He oversaw the imprisonment of John's dad, who broke loose on multiple** **occasions. When Jack went to handle it personally, John's dad set** **Jack's hat on fire. In a surly act of gratitude, he released** **the prisoner. John's dad fled to the Land of Wind and Shade, fought** **large monsters, got his hat dirty and lost a shoe. He then carved tablet requests for new ones, which John filled** **via pyxis, unaware of who requested them. **

**PM followed** **AR to Derse in hopes of retrieving the package. After wandering around, she encountered the Black Queen** **on her throne. Both the light and dark kingdoms each have a king and a queen. The queens sit on a throne, on Prospit and Derse respectively, ruling the planet. The kings command armies on the Battlefield, located at the center of Skaia. The queen takes on the attributes supplied by the prototypings due to the four-orbed ring** **she wears. When the ring is removed, the queen is restored to normal. PM showed** **the BQ a parking ticket she was pretending to deliver. The BQ directed** **her to Jack's office, where the ticket should be filed. **

**PM met** **Jack and asked** **for the package. Jack proposed a deal, and gave her a black regisword. If she would kill the White Queen and White King and bring him their crowns, he would give her the package. She accepted with little alternative. She then visited** **the WQ** **on Prospit and explained** **the situation, with no intention of carrying out Jack's mission. The WQ, understanding the futility of their situation and the need to recover the package, abdicated, and gave PM her crown and her ring. PM was instructed** **to go find the White King, retrieve his crown, and receive further instruction on what to do with the ring to protect it. WQ would then eventually exile** **herself to post-apocalypse Earth. **

**On post-apocalypse Earth, after AR fired** **on WV and PM from the ruins, he spotted WV's pumpkin, which WV had earlier appearified** **from Jade's house. He recognized the carving of Bec's silhouette** **on the pumpkin. Fearful of it, he surrendered. The three exiles soon became friends** **over a campfire and shared rations. WV and AR built Exile Town** **out of cans, mailboxes, and bullets. PM operated WV's station terminal** **to submit commands** **to John as he explored** **the Land of Wind and Shade. In the sky, another station teleported and fell** **to the ground. It was shaped like an egg, and originated from Dave's meteor impact site, in correspondence with the egg-shaped item** **he would use to enter the medium. Emerging from this station** **was the Windswept Questant, formerly the White Queen. **

**AR and WV** **sought to impress WQ by crafting** **a crown** **for her out of a mailbox. She refused the distinction, instead giving** **it to PM, who had successfully completed her mission** **to deliver Jade's package** **to John in the distant** **past. The means** **by which she went about this have yet to be seen. **

**John entered the Land of Wind and Shade** **(LOWAS) by having Rose build** **up his house** **to the first gate, fighting through many imps and ogres with his powerful new alchemized weapons, and entering** **the gate. This took him to a location beneath the clouds, far below** **his house. The LOWAS turned out to be a large windyplanet, full of dark terrain, incandescent trees, networks of pipes, and oily rivers. In addition to hosting more powerfuladversaries, the land is occupied by friendlyconsorts, a race of salamanders. They help John understand the mythos of the land, and inform him of the planet's persecution by a sleeping denizen, which is responsible for clogging the pipes** **with oil, and trapping fireflies under the clouds. **

**Each planet has a sleeping denizen, which the players must first wake, and then kill, in the course of their journey through the seven gates. Rose's planet, the Land of Light and Rain** **(LOLAR) is a multicolored ocean planet with white sandy islands and pink ruins, and has a denizen responsible for killing all life** **in the water. Dave's planet, the Land of Heat and Clockwork** **(LOHAC) is a lava planet, covered in industrial steel frame structures and turning gears, and has a denizen of yet unknown qualities. **

**Killing the denizen releases a huge grist hoard buried at the core of the planet, which is then used to fuel a process known as The Ultimate Alchemy. Along the way, the kids are meant to learn about their destined roles in this quest** **as the Heir of Breath (John), Seer of Light (Rose), Knight of Time (Dave), and Witch of space (Jade). Over the course of their quest, the dark kingdom will inevitably defeat** **the light kingdom. The Black Queen and King will take control, and initiate The Reckoning. This affects a belt of meteors, called The Veil, which orbits far from Skaia, between the four planets and Derse, and is host to various lab facilities used by the kingdoms. The Reckoning causes the meteors to descend on Skaia, ultimately destroying it, unless the Black Queen and King can be defeated in time. Skaia however buys time by opening defense portals to catch many of the meteors, redirecting them elsewhere** **in space and time. **

**This is the generic template for the way the game is supposed to proceed. It can deviate from this model however, depending on the actions of the players, and the details of the game mythology presented is unique to each group of players and their session. **

**Long before** **John and his friends started playing the game, another group of players had been persistentlytrollingthem, particularly Jade. They are furious about an action she will take that will cause major problems in the four kids' game session, and inevitably lead to their defeat. Specifically, Jade will send a package** **to John, apparently containing a powerful weapon he will need later. But the package winds up in the hands of Jack Noir, leading to dire consequences. They allude to** **other things she will do that will lead to not only trouble for the four kids, but the troll players as well. **

**The trolls consist of 12 kids from an alien planet, who went through the same process** **as John and his friends, escaping from the annihilation of their planet via meteors, and into the Medium to play the game. Their game session is entirely separate from that of the four kids. It has the same basic template, with its own Skaia, Prospit, Derse, Veil, and a planet for each troll, but separate game instances of these. They also have different instances of the same character templates, such as the kings and queens, and agents like Jack Noir. **

**The trolls have completed their game session with yet unknown results. They now reside on a meteor in their Veil, sitting at terminals trolling John and co. From their terminals they can choose any point in the past or future of the kids to troll, and observe what they're doing at that moment. As a group, their only stated objective is to harass the kids, which they do so haphazardly throughout different points in the kids' timeline. Though they can choose any point on the kids' timeline to talk, they are mostly resigned to the understanding that no matter what they do, they can't change the outcome of the kids' actions. **

**The four most vociferous trolls so far have been carcinoGeneticist, gallowsCalibrator, grimAuxiliatrix, and adiosToreador. (The other 8 being apocalypseArisen, twinArmageddons, arsenicCatnip, arachnidsGrip, centaursTesticle, terminallyCapricious, caligulasAquarium, and cuttlefishCuller, each yet to be heard from.) **

**carcinoGeneticist (CG) appears to have spearheaded the group's trolling campaign. While he was in the thick of his game session, the exile commanding him from a terminal** **in the apocalyptic future was Spades Slick. This is one difference between his game session and John's, who had WV as an exile commanding him. In CG's session, his version of Jack Noir became exiled** **along the way, and took on the name Spades Slick. Three otheragents** **were exiled, and the four of them formed a gang called the Midnight Crew, and spent years building up a dark city in the future wasteland of the trolls' dead planet. Another difference in the trolls' session is that at some point along the way, the Black Queen was also exiled, later joined a rival gang called The Felt, assumed special powers that make her highly inadvisable to kill, and came to be known as Snowman. It was not until Slick confronted The Felt in their mansion that he discovered the station terminal to command CG, and not before Snowman blinded him in one eye, severed his arm, and locked him in a vault. **

**Each troll has a different trolling strategy, and a different rhythm by which they hop around the kids' timelines to chat with them. CG's strategy, for the most part, was to begin trolling them at the very end of their adventure, the moment at which he was most angry with their actions, and then gradually work backwards, mostly talking to John. This proves to be mutually frustrating** **though, as John knows less and less about the situation the further into the past CG goes. Similarly, the further into the future John progresses, the more he has the advantage over CG by knowledge of his future conversations with him, and vice versa. Over the course of the opposing directions of the two sides of the conversation, John learns more about the nature of the game and why they're being trolled, and in spite of hostility, they gradually befriend each other through an inevitability alluded to on both sides of the conversation. **

**Early in the correspondence between John and CG, which is to say late for CG, CG discovers he needs to get in touch with Jade, who refuses to talk to him in that time period. So he delivers a message to her much earlier, months in her past, telling her she needs to contact him when she's in trouble. She will know to do this when her dreambot explodes in the future, an outcome that has not yet happened. **

**Two other trolls, grimAuxiliatrix and adiosToreador (GA and AT) have targeted only Rose and Dave thus far. GA has hopped arbitrarily back and forward** **in Rose's timeline to talk to her, and is attempting to cultivate a friendship with her that now seems rigged through a series of conversational time loops, while seeking counsel from Dave** **on how to befriend her. AT sought counsel from Rose** **on how to troll Dave more effectively, after getting severely counter-trolled** **by him. He is under the impression he rebounded nicely** **though. **

**gallowsCalibrator (GC) has stayed mostly linear in her trolling patterns, and has done so under the guise of helping the kids on their quest. She convinces John to take a shortcut** **through his land, shows him the denizen's palace, leads him to warp back** **to his house, then shows him how to fix the faulty rocket pack he made earlier through an alchemy mishap. She tells him to use the rocket pack to fly up to the seventh gate, enter the denizen's palace, and kill it in its sleep. He complied with this, and flew** **through the seventh gate, in spite of reservations from Dave, who'd just entered the Medium** **the moment before John took off. **

**GC also assisted Rose, just after she bested an ogre with ease. She counseled her on understanding her role as the Seer of Light, and the meaning of the voice in her head as an exile issuing commands from a terminal. In her case, it was the exiled White Queen** **issuing commands from the egg shaped station** **in the future. Since Dave is Rose's server player, the terminal station from Dave's impact site issues commands to Rose. Just as the station at Rose's site, which WV found, issues commands to John, her client player. **

**After conversing with GA, Rose found Jaspersprite and interrogated him** **about the secret which she found so maddeningly mysterious years ago. He explained elements of the mythos of her land, and how she'd need to learn to play the rain to produce the musical analogue of a genetic code to reintroduce life into the ocean. In response to her question about his secret, he simply replied "Meow." She mistook this for more nonsense, but it was in fact the secret he told her years ago. The four letter sequence MEOW unlocked a genetic code in her subconscious, which she would spend years scrawling** **on her wall using those letters in place of the typically used GCAT letters, while completely oblivious to the scrawlings and their meaning just as John was. As Jaspers said, she would understand their meaning when her dream self wakes up. **

**Rose's dream self** **lives in a tower on the moon of Derse. Dave's dream self lives on the same moon in the other tower. It was suggested by Rose's future self, who is fully awake in the tower, that Dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it. This was suggested in a conversation** **she had in the future with Dave. It was an alternative future timeline not meant to be. **

**This future timeline came about by this series of events. **

**Dave was able to enter the Medium by connecting with Jade** **as his server player. Jade got copies of the game** **from the frog ruins, after she delivered John's package** **to her past self. She snuck into the ruins while Bec was asleep, and retrieved the game from a lotus time capsule which had been ticking down for millions of years. The game was Dave's copy from the future, the same one that fell out the window** **with the impaled crow. Once she got the game, the time capsule started ticking down again, set to expire 413 years later, when the exiles are there. She dropped some items in the ruins, leaving them there for AR to find, and leaving her bass jammed in the elevator. Bec then found her there, took her back to her room, and grounded her there for the rest of the evening. **

**She quickly helped Dave set up the game, upgrading** **his alchemiterheavily, and crafting the special item he needed to enter the Medium, a red egg, which needed to be incubated and hatched to activate. She prototyped his kernelsprite** **with the impaled crow, which would affect the enemies later, including the Black Queen. The sprite built a nest** **on top of his apartment's antenna tower, and stole the egg** **to incubate it for hours. A very large meteor was soon bearing down** **on his city. **

**Dave then entered the Medium through a series of unseen events. Jade was asleep, thus forbidden by Dave** **from interacting** **with his environment** **at all. Jade complied** **for fear of retribution. Dave was faced with the Crowsprite, which appeared to be suggesting he prototype it again with the remains of Lil Cal. Dave consulted with John** **on this, who was about to rocket up** **to the seventh gate. John had no advice, and proceeded up through the gate against better judgment. **

**Dave prototyped the sprite with Cal. John entered the palace, presumably found the denizen, and was easily killed by it, as was the intent of GC's trick on him. This meant John could not establish a connection with Jade to rescue her from the looming meteor, and Dave and Rose** **lost contact with her, presuming her dead. Dave and Rose then spent the next four months in the Medium, advancing as far as they could** **to collect information before Dave decided to travel back in time to change events. **

**Dave used his time tables to go back** **to the moment he was about to prototype with Cal. Both he and his past self** **strongly urged John not to go through the gate. John was reluctant at first, but soon reconsidered, and flew down** **beneath the clouds. Future Dave then gave Present Dave all his advanced gear, and prototyped the Crowsprite with himself** **to make Davesprite, thus serving as his own guide from the future. **

**Before going back in time, Future Dave convinced Future Rose** **to go to sleep. He suggested her dream self would be unaltered by the timeline shift, and in her dream state she would remember the events from the future. When Dave went back, Rose's future dream self assumed the position** **of Rose's present dream self. Rose fell asleep, and on Derse's moon, she instantly woke up. She then saw all the genetic scrawlings she did in MEOW letters, and understood their meaning. **

**Meanwhile on Derse below, the Black Queen again** **insisted that Jack Noir abide by the dress code. He refused, and the queen threatened him. He picked up Jade's package to John, removed what was inside, and used it to slice her ring finger off. He then killed the Black Queen, put on the ring, and donned the full upgrade supplied by thethreeprototypings. **

**He then became Jackspers Noirlecrow, which is a name I just made up now. **

**And then after that ****you started watching metype** **in this ****ridiculous study** **I ****photoshopped** **for myself with my ****cool horse painting** **propped up in the background.**


	39. Book 3 Chapter 7: The Second Gate

Chapter 7: The Second Gate

Did you even read any of that? Maybe. There was actually some stuff you _didn't_ already know in there. No, I'm completely serious! Did you know the chum handles of the other trolls? Not telling you; you'll have to read through the recap. Oh, and Jasper's secret is kind of revealed in it too.

In any case, if you don't want to read it, it's your loss. I spent the time writing it for you! Not for myself. I don't talk for my own benefit. I know what's going to happen in Homestuck and that this will _clearly_ be the last book in the series. It'll be a trilogy. That's all. A five-act trilogy where the fifth act is some stupid epilogue where everything gets wrapped up. Oh, sorry, did you know I was dividing this into Acts?

Book 1 consisted of Acts 1 and 2. Book 2 consisted of Act 3, then the Intermission, then the beginning of Act 4. I'm well into Act 4 now. What you are currently reading (well, it's kind of a Hussie Intermission, but that's awesome and overly self-indulgent at the same time) is Act 4. And then the book will end in Act 5 and that will be it. This I am certain of. No, what I'm doing right now isn't boring, reader! Shut the hell up!

Huh? What's that? Oh, it's just you, Cal. Please, not now. I'm working on something. What? I should get back to writing/drawing Homestuck? Oh, but I don't merely write/draw Homestuck. I… wait for it… I'm about to make a joke…

**I **_**CONJURE**_ **THIS INTREPID FANTASYSCAPE WITH TEARS BLED FROM THE WISDOM-WEARY EYES OF FIFTY THOUSAND IMAGINARY MAGICIANS. I PULL HEAVY DRAGS FROM THE BRUMES OF INSPIRATION WITH ENCHANTED BELLOWS MARAUDED FROM A GUILD OF CHURLISH MYTHICAL DWARVES. VAST BULBOUS RIDDLESPIDERS PUSH THE SILKEN STRANDS OF PURE WHIMSY THROUGH HIDEOUS ABDOMINAL SPINNERETS AND IT IS THAT WITH WHICH I WEAVE THIS AUDACIOUS COCOON OF EXQUISITE LIES. AND WHEN IT HATCHES A GREAT MOTH OF TITILLATION WILL AWAKEN AND ROAR AND BEAT ITS WINGS, AND THE POWDER SETTLING DOWN WILL ARREST THE HUMORS OF AN ENORMOUS TERRIBLE OLD BEGGAR, RELAXING THE VULTUROUS LEATHERY VICEGRIP HE'S FIXED AROUND YOUR CAPTIVE MIND.**

Alright, this is stupid. I'm going to stop being a wiseass and get back to drawing. But it won't be that exciting to watch. I'll pull up Photoshop again. Here's the file I was using for the fourth wall again. What do you want me to draw? Show you what's going on with John again? Sure.

Here. How about I drag the content from one of the John files under the fourth wall layer, so we can make a more graceful transition out of this ludicrous, highly disruptive self-insertion arc? Yeah, there we go. Oh, and let me switch to 3rd person past tense again. There Hussie went. That worked.

Hussie decided that that was entirely enough of that. If became any more self-aware in a playfully self-deprecating yet weirdly self-aggrandizing manner, he was going to go drown a bag of puppies in a sewer.

John flew through the air with his rocket pack. Suddenly **GC** sent him something via Pesterchum.

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **sent ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **the file " 4" - **

**EB: what's this?**

**GC: 1T'S YOUR WORLD M4P**

**GC: W1TH YOUR S3COND G4T3 L4B3L3D**

**GC: SO YOU C4N GO TH3R3**

**EB: oh man, let me drop everything and go there, because i'm in such a huge hurry to take more of your advice!**

**GC: JOHN PL34S3**

**GC: G1V3 M3 ON3 OF YOUR HUM4N BR34KS**

**GC: 1 F33L 4WFUL 4BOUT K1LL1NG YOU**

**GC: 3V3N THOUGH T3CH1N1C4LLY YOU N3V3R 3V3N D13D SO 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 B1TCH1NG 4BOUT :[**

**EB: yeah, well, dave said i did, and i believe him!**

**GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 H3 4ND YOU 4R3 B3ST PUP4 P4LS FOUR LYF3**

**GC: C4NT 1 B3 YOUR P4L TOO JOHN?**

**EB: i don't know, i thought you were ok for a while, but now you are kind of giving me the creeps!**

**GC: J3GUS JOHN**

**EB: what?**

**GC: 1 4M 1NVOK1NG TH3 N4M3 OF YOUR 34RTH J3GUS**

**GC: TO 3XPR3SS FRUSTR4T1ON**

**EB: you mean my earth jesus?**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW**

**GC: DO 1**

**EB: do you have a troll jegus?**

**GC: JOHN**

**GC: W3 H4V3 TH3 B3ST TROLL J3GUS**

**GC: YOU DONT 3V3N KNOW**

**EB: wow, really?**

**EB: or is this a joke?**

**GC: 1TS 4 JOK3**

**GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T 4 J3GUS 1S :?**

**EB: well...**

**EB: neither do i, i guess.**

**EB: it's pretty much not anything.**

**GC: JOHN**

**GC: W1LL YOU PL34S3 FOLLOW TH3 M4P?**

**GC: L3T M3 34RN YOUR TRUST**

**GC: 1F YOU DONT L1K3 WH4TS ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF TH3 G4T3**

**GC: YOU C4N JUST TURN 4ROUND!**

**EB: um...**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: i'll take a look.**

He opened the file and a Google Maps file was brought up of LOWAS. There was a red "A" on the map, marking some kind of plateau, maybe? He clicked on it and a picture of a strange gray-skinned girl with small orange horns and red glasses appeared along with a message.

**GC: JOHN H3R3 1S YOUR HOUS3. 1 CROPP3D TH1S WORLD M4P FOR YOU SO YOU C4N F1ND WH3R3 TO GO 34S1LY. FLY NORTH! :]**

**GC: ALSO H1 TH1S 1S M3**

Putting aside how disorienting the troll looked for a moment, John flew north like she'd instructed. Finally he came upon a blue gyrating spirogram with a big green "B" next to it.

**GC: TH1S 1S TH3 S3COND G4T3! GO 1N H3R3. 1 PROM1S3 YOU WONT D13 TH1S T1M3. UNL3SS YOU SCR3W UP 4LL BY YOURS3LF. ;]**

John followed his map and flew over to the gate with his rocket pack. It sat above a random tall plateau in the middle of nowhere. He entered and arrived on LOLAR. Four floating pink turtle shells poured rainbow water above Rose's house. It then traveled under the house in the river and fell down in a waterfall to the ocean below.

John attempted to control how the rocket pack flew and failed. He crashed into the base of the house and through Rose's window, destroying the Totem Lathe in the process. He landed next to Rose. The walls were covered with the letters "M," "E," "O," and "W" for some reason.

Despite the pandemonium of his entrance, Rose was still asleep. She must have really been tuckered out! It looked like this little guy, this black mutant cat, was awake and ready for action, though. He was adorable. John decided to call him Dr. Meowgon Spengler.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**TG: wow ok**

**TG: youre a little early**

**TG: but thats fine i guess**

**TG: also you suck at rockets**

**EB: ARGH!**

**TG: what**

**EB: she tricked me again.**

**TG: who**

**EB: GC.**

**EB: she told me how to get to the 2nd gate.**

**EB: so i went through, but it took me to rose's house instead.**

**EB: another prank!**

**TG: dude you did go through the second gate**

**TG: i mean i dont know why you would listen to her again**

**TG: kind of moronic but thats a whole other issue**

**TG: she didnt trick you this time**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: then, i don't really get this.**

**TG: what were you expecting**

**TG: this is how it works**

**TG: the progression of gates is like this whole round robin thing**

**TG: cycling through each planet**

**TG: gate 2 on your planet leads to gate 2 on roses**

**TG: then you build up to gate 3 above her house which leads somewhere else on her planet**

**TG: you look for gate 4 somewhere there**

**TG: which leads to gate 4 above my house**

**TG: and so on**

**EB: wow, ok.**

**TG: ordinarily rose would have already gone through her gate 1**

**TG: but shes sleeping pretty hard obviously**

**TG: and ordinarily you wouldnt have gone through gate 2 until her house was built up**

**TG: so you wouldnt fall to your death**

**TG: but you got your cheat rocket so thats fine**

**TG: see we all got to coordinate on this thing**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: how do you know all this?**

**TG: fuck**

**TG: come on dude**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: you're the orange dave.**

**EB: hey no offense, but do you think i could talk to the real dave for a second?**

**TG: god dammit**

**TG: i am the real dave**

**TG: you know the one who saved your life**

**TG: im more real actually cause ive been through some heavy shit already hopping around on red hot gears and i-beams for like a year**

**TG: and grinding shit out for your ungrateful ass**

**TG: here look check out this code from the future not that you deserve it WIin189Q**

**TG: youre fucking welcome**

**EB: wow, calm down!**

**EB: i'm sorry, that's not really what i meant...**

**EB: i mean, of course you're a real dave, but what i mean is...**

**EB: the dave from my time is also my friend, and i guess he's in the same boat i'm in, not knowing stuff and all.**

**EB: and i'd feel bad keeping him out of the loop!**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**TG: yo**

**EB: oh, hey.**

**EB: i think i pissed off your future self.**

**TG: what did you do**

**EB: i said he wasn't the real dave.**

**TG: ahahahahaha**

**EB: i think i might have really hurt his feelings though!**

**TG: pff**

**TG: dont worry about it**

**EB: why not?**

**TG: cause i wouldnt give a shit**

**TG: and hes me**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: i'm in rose's room by the way.**

**TG: what**

**TG: really**

**EB: yeah, but she's asleep!**

**TG: ok**

**TG: dont go anywhere**

**TG: im coming down to the computer**

**EB: ok.**

**TG: dave is here he wants to use the computer**

**TG: probably to help you scope out roses room and snoop and stuff**

**TG: i mean thats what i would have done**

**TG: if you were alive**

**TG: so im gonna go**

**TG: use these flappy ghost wings and tear shit up in space or something**

**EB: sure!**

**EB: hey dave...**

**TG: what**

**EB: in case i forgot to say so before...**

**EB: thanks for saving my life!**

**TG: yeah**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

**TG: ok i dont know what youre doing here**

**TG: but i think we can both agree that youve got to rummage through as much of her shit as possible before she wakes up**

**EB: man, i don't know how i feel about that!**

**EB: i don't really like the idea of capering around her room while she's asleep, it feels weird.**

**EB: i'm going to wake her up.**

**TG: dude no come on**

**TG: shes out like a light anyway**

**TG: it was some like weird future thing that happened that made her sleep**

**EB: a future thing?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: shit doesnt get more clear than that**

**EB: well, yeah, she won't wake up.**

**EB: so i guess so.**

**EB: but i'm not snooping!**

**TG: fine dont**

**TG: but here just do this one thing**

**TG: see those two notebooks on the floor behind you**

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: they look sorta like journals.**

**EB: i don't think i should read those!**

**TG: you dont have to read them im not telling you to**

**TG: what kind of prying tool do you take me for**

**TG: just pick them up**

**TG: you know like tidy up a bit since you made a royal fucking dump of her room just now**

**EB: uh, ok.**

John walked over and captchalogued the books.

**TG: now i need you to do something else**

**TG: this is important**

**TG: like for important game reasons and stuff**

**TG: take the card the books are on**

**TG: flip it over**

**EB: umm...**

**TG: so you can see the code**

**EB: wait a minute!**

**EB: i see what you're trying to do.**

**EB: i won't tell you the code for rose's books!**

**TG: dude you dont have to tell me the code**

**TG: just flip it over and let me know if theres a code there thats all**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: i guess.**

**EB: yeah there's a code.**

Dave took a screenshot of Rose's room while the captcha card was flipped upwards.

**TG: alright cool**

**TG: you can ditch the books now if you want**

**TG: maybe put them back on the floor**

**TG: so rose doesnt think you were snooping**

**TG: seriously youve got some grubby fingers bro why dont you mind your own business there**

**TG: what is even with you**

**EB: HAHA DAVE,**

**EB: I THINK ALL THIS LAUGHING MADE ME POOP IN MY PANTS TOO HARD.**

**TG: isnt that your birthday package there**

**EB: oh, yeah, i think it might be.**

**TG: maybe you should look at it**

**TG: i dont think it counts as snooping since its technically yours**

**EB: yeah, maybe.**

**EB: i wonder if she finished...**

**EB: she was so tight lipped about the damn thing! i am really curious.**

Dave zoomed into his screenshot and looked at the code to the books (72KH?CNq). Time for some alchemization.

Dream Rose floated over to the other tower across from her's on Derse's moon. She entered through the window to find Lil' Cal in his Dersian moon outfit jumping around as well as Dream Dave in his Dersian moon outfit asleep at his computer.

Rose threw a spool of yarn at Dream Dave's head and his real life self fell asleep.

"Hey," Dream Dave said, looking at Rose, who was standing by the window. Rose waved at him. Dream Dave's room was pretty much like his real room, with the dysfunctional toilet and Cruxtruder but with Li'l Cal alive and all. Glowing pictures of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff had been drawn over the walls, probably by Dave's subconscious.

John eyed his birthday package again curiously. It was awfully tempting to peek inside, but he felt guilty about it for some reason, even though it was his anyway.

He supposed a perusal of Rose's bookshelf would be harmless enough. Just a bunch of books. The knowledge within was meant for everybody. He stepped over to it when suddenly Dave pestered him.

**TG: afdsjjjjjjjjvfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff**

John decided not to bother dignifying the message with a whole pesterlog ordeal because it was probably just Dave being a truculent Jackass again so screw him.

He found an autographed book on the bookshelf full of beautiful poetry and groundbreaking philosophical thinking called _This Ocean Charles_ by American Sports Legend, Charles Barkley. These were words to cherish. This was a man to treasure.

He captchalogued Rose's book. Jewels of wisdom like this didn't just fall into his lap every day, and shouldn't be parted with lightly. He doubted she'd mind if he borrowed her book. She was always trying to get him to weird strange things anyway.

Oh, he couldn't take it anymore! He looked inside his birthday package from Rose. It was another dirty bunny, like Dave's gift, but this time, half of it was knitted together with yarn and sewed onto the rest of the bunny.

**John, **

**I never got to thank you properly for your gift. Yes, the words were there. Language comprising the familiar veneer of gratitude rubbing off with each tired favor traded for. A God bless to a sneeze or a few pennies cradled in a receipt. Perhaps it's the deplorable romantic in me, but I thought your present, and your friendship, demanded reciprocation surpassing by some degree the utterly meaningless. **

**The proper thanks I thought would be a demonstration that your offering was not in vain. Yes, maybe some would take your suggested alternative to my gloomy preoccupations as a passive-aggressive jab. But I know you didn't mean it that way. In fact, I'm sure reading about it now is the first time the notion has occurred to you. John, please stop rolling your eyes. The letter is down here. **

**The gift in this box is a resurrection. I used your present to thread life anew into a tattered heirloom. As long as I can remember, its black, greasy appendages have been tethered limply to its ratty, porous carriage. Too delicate to wash, too dear to discard. I used to love this rabbit. Now he's yours. **

**I trust you'll find this to be adequately sentimental. Happy birthday. **

**Rose**


	40. Book 3 Chapter 8: Adventure on LOLAR

Chapter 8: John's Adventure on LOLAR

This gift from Rose was so cool! Two sweet bunnies on one birthday? What were the odds? In a fit of enthusiasm, John shut up and jammed the bunny back in the box, executing a textbook chaos dunk. Millions would have perished, if everything in the ocean hadn't already been dead, that was.

Or, at least, that was what he'd liked to have though. Instead, John gently "chaos dunked" the fragile bunny back in the box and captchalogued it. He'd have to write Rose a thank you note and tuck it under her hair band or something. Wait no, that would be creepy.

The bunny reminded him of how he still had a salamander in his sylladex. She was holding the bunny that Dave had gotten him. It was sort of uncanny how similar they were, aside from the knitted enhancements. Seriously, what were the odds? So weird.

John released dear, precious Casey. She'd probably been getting antsy in that card. He thought he'd leave her here with Rose. After all, a dangerous quest was nothing to embark on with a sweet, innocent little girl stashed in his inventory.

He wasn't actually sure if she was a girl though. He didn't even know if salamanders could be girls. Weren't they hermaphrodites or something? John knew nothing about biology. Unless it was biology that had to do with ghosts and slime. But even then he didn't actually know anything. He just sort of liked to pretend he did.

It looked like a troll was bugging Rose.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species**

**GA: I Have To Start Somewhere**

**GA: And Somewhen**

**GA: So I Am Starting With You**

**GA: And Now**

**GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant**

**GA: Mostly For Me**

**GA: Actually You Know What**

**GA: Im Not Really Feeling This At All**

**GA: Goodbye**

**TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!**

**TT: but ok, see you.**

**GA: Is This**

**GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About**

**GA: That You Always Use**

**GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate**

**TT: umm... no?**

**GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did**

**GA: The Rose Human Specifically**

**TT: oh, yeah.**

**TT: that's me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say.**

**TT: i am the queen of books.**

**GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements**

**GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful**

**TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh**

**TT: i'm so burned, these burns are crazy.**

**TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already?**

**TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we're just going to all be friends at some point anyway.**

**GA: Have We Spoken Before**

**TT: i don't know, uh, maybe?**

**TT: it's hard to keep track with all your time nonsense.**

**GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation**

**TT: that's because you guys always do things the hard way.**

**TT: and the dumb way.**

**GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works**

**GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like**

**TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.**

**TT: you look kind of like...**

**TT: howie mandel from little monsters.**

**TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster.**

**TT: because he was a big goofy adult.**

**TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.**

**GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest**

**TT: no, it's a movie.**

**TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.**

**GA: It Seems You Put Stock In Johns Assessment Of Things**

**GA: Even Really Uninteresting Things That Are Pretty Terrible To Listen To**

**GA: He Is Either The Leader Of Your Party Or You Hold Whatever The Human Equivalent Of Mating Fondness For Him Is**

**TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it's really nicely knitted and everything.**

**TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right.**

**GA: Uh Okay**

**TT: heh, just kidding. i'm sure john knows it's cause i am really thoughtful and i bet he really appreciates the present, and would say thank you if he were here!**

**GA: Okay Human Courtship Is Definitely A Strange Thing And Its Sort Of Blowing My Mind Listening To This**

**GA: I Think Ill Talk To Someone Else Now**

**TT: why don't you talk to john?**

**GA: Maybe**

**GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him**

**TT: oh man, i don't know.**

**TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?**

**TT: you know that's what you're gonna do anyway.**

**GA: Considering That Youre Obviously Not That Smart**

**GA: And Basically Understand Whipping Bugwinged Fuckall About Even The Most Elementary Temporal Mechanics**

**GA: I Am A Bit Perplexed As To Why I Find Myself So Vehemently Fondling The Short End Of The Antagonism Stick Here**

**GA: Kind Of Irritating**

**GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades**

**GA: This John Human**

**GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On**

**TT: ok.**

**TT: if you talk to him in the past...**

**TT: he'll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he'll be confused.**

**TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don't know.**

**TT: and if you talk to him in the future...**

**TT: he'll probably know all this stuff, like things you've said to him but haven't said yet!**

**TT: and then you'll be confused.**

**TT: sorry, that's just how this works.**

**TT: don't say i didn't warn you!**

**GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter.**

**GA: Until Next Time Rose**

**GA: Next Time In The Past**

**TT: yeah, bye!**

**TT: (heheheheheheh)**

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **ceased trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

Somewhere in the veil, the Virgo-signed troll girl with black lipstick and one horn with a droop sat at her computer, typing away. Behind her, the one with the red glasses, **GC**, stood in the middle of the room, tapping around with a white cane.

**grimAuxiliatrix [GA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**GA: If Youre Not Too Busy Still Setting Up The Network**

**GA: Perhaps You Could Come Show Me How To Activate The Viewport**

**TA: ii am iin fact two bu2y 2tiill 2ettiing iit up.**

**TA: whoa HERE2 an iidea.**

**TA: pre22 F1.**

**GA: My Keyboard Is Missing The F1 Key**

**TA: liie2.**

**TA: dont bother me iim not iin the mood.**

**TA: iif ii 2ee one more 2narl of wiire2.**

**TA: kiind of juttiing out and beiing tangled or whatever.**

**TA: ii am goiing two perform 2ome 2ort of athletiic fuckiing 2omer2ault off the deep end and get a call from the pre2iident or 2ome 2hiit.**

**TA: 2o go away.**

**GA: You Used To Like To Talk More**

**GA: If I Recall I Was Typically The One Who Would Solicit Reprieves From Your Nonsense**

**GA: So I Dont Know What Happened**

**TA: that wa2 before ii knew we were all goiing two diie.**

**TA: and no one beliieved me.**

**TA: and now look at you all.**

**TA: all beliieviing me 2uddenly HMM UNCANNY.**

**GA: Then Why Are You Doing This**

**GA: Setting Up These Stations For Us**

**TA: two get you all off my bulge about iit.**

**TA: but ii wont troll any of them per2onally no way.**

**TA: kiind of juveniile.**

**TA: but you guys go knock your 2elve2 out ok.**

**TA: 2ee the menu up top?**

**TA: fiiddle around wiith that tiil you open the viiewport.**

**GA: I Did Fiddle With It**

**GA: To No Avail**

**TA: iif you cant fiigure 2hiit out by fuckiing around you dont belong near computer2.**

**TA: kiind of liike wiith regii2tered 2ex offender2 and 2chool2.**

**TA: iif you move two a new town you have two go up two your neiighbor2 door and warn them about how 2tupiid you are.**

**TA: and giive them a chance two hiide all theiir iinnocent technology.**

**TA: and vandaliize your hou2e.**

**TA**, the troll on the other end, watched his screen through his glasses. One of the lenses was red and the other blue. **GA **picked up the F1 key from her computer and chucked it across the room at **TA**. It bonked the other troll on the head right in the middle of his four horns. He had four teeth, two of them long like a vampire's and his black shirt bore the symbol of Gemini in a mustard yellow color. One of his shoes was white and the other was black.

**GA **walked over to him and poked him annoyingly. She wore a strange red skirt, or perhaps it was a red dress under her shirt. It wasn't clear. "Come over and help me," she said hasslingly.

Dave showed Rose some of his sweet gear. Wow he was so cool. He pressed a couple of buttons on his beatmaker and music began to play. Rose and Dave jammed out while Lil' Cal jumped around the room like mad. Eventually, however, Rose got annoyed by the puppet and shoved him out the window. He flew down to the surface of Derse's moon.

Maplehoof stood outside the ruins which her beloved master's mother had entered recently. Outside she found a striking scarcity of oats or greenery or anything at all that was delicious to chew on. This was as compelling a reason as any to follow her inside.

She entered the ruins. Her clopping hooves echoed throughout the cavernous and foreboding environment. But she was too stupid to be nervous. Her powerful snout detected the scent of Rose's Mom. The woman had gone this way.

She followed the scent and arrived in a large chamber full of giant pieces of grist. A large and terrible monster must surely have been slain here.

Maplehoof picked up all the grist and stored it in Rose's grist cache. This was entirely too much grist of exotic types for such a low-level player, but she'd take it anyway. You didn't look a gift horse in the pink heart tattoo.

The grist overflow was gathered by the Grist Gutter utility supplied by Grist Torrent. The grist was stored and gradually redirected to other players.

Rose's Mom stood on a small platform and disappeared. Maplehoof was a little nervous about transportalizing herself. As a quadruped, grisly bisection struck her as a very real possibility. Even though she was too dumb to think of such things.

The horse stood on her hind legs and carefully balanced herself on the Transportalizer. She managed to disappear without a grisly bisection.

A fedora appeared out of a pipe on LOWAS. The Breeze carried it to to where it needed to go. It settled in front of a man in sore need of a fresh hat. His own was covered in imp goo.

The man gathered the clean hat, along with a shoe he'd found through similarly serendipitous means to replace one he'd lost.

Suddenly, an old man with a safari hat and a moustache walked out of a ruined building. He held a copy of the Sassacre Text in one hand and a gun in the other. He looked directly at the man and the man stared back.

John's Dad followed the mysterious old man back into the ruins. The old man stepped onto a transportalizer and disappeared. John's Dad followed suit.

John and Dr. Meowgon Spengler visited Rose's Alchemiter, having decided to try out the code Davesprite had given him. Wow! This thing was huge and cost a fortune. It was called the Fear No Anvil. To make it, he'd need half a million build grist, garnets, diamonds, gold, and one piece of quartz. There was no way he could make that, let alone wield it, even with his ghost gloves.

However, he managed to shrink it down to a more manageable and affordable size using the Alchemiter's scaling upgrade. He made the Fear No Anvil. It had a red-and-black-striped handle, along with what looked like a clock on its front. The bangy part of the hammer looked to be made of red garnets.

John pestered Davesprite.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**EB: so what is this?**

**EB: the thing the code made...**

**TG: really powerful hammer**

**EB: how do you know?**

**EB: i thought you couldn't use hammers.**

**TG: i cant**

**TG: better be though**

**TG: got it from hephaestus**

**EB: who's that?**

**TG: really tough to kill dude**

**EB: you killed him for it?**

**TG: nope**

**EB: how'd you get it then?**

**TG: shenanigans**

**EB: ok.**

Dream Rose looked at Dream Dave's monitor. Even on Derse, the boy was still monitoring LOLAR. It seemed that she had a visitor.

Rose looked at Dave. He nodded, so she went ahead and woke up in real life. Her dream self disappeared from Dream Dave's room.

She sat up in her room. Next to her stood a young salamander.

"Fix my computer," **GA** said.

"Fine! I'll do it, but it's not really fixing it, like I said. I've just got to open the viewport," **TA** replied.

He crossed the room and sat at **GA**'s computer. He opened Trollian again. The window popped up with the four kids' timelines and their chumphandles. Currently selected was a moment about halfway between Dave and Jade's entrances into The Medium. It was on Rose's timeline and the trolling screen was open.**TA** clicked on the point on Rose's timeline and the viewport popped up. They could both see Rose standing in her room next to a salamander.

Rose looked at her computer screen groggily. Someone had been using her Pesterchum account. And she somehow doubted the culprit was this young upright amphibian presently throwing a fit and blowing bubbles from its mouth.

She hurried to the door so she could catch John before he went gallivanting off somewhere. But it seemed her door was ajar. Funny, she didn't remember having left the door ajar. Even though it was sort of absurd for her to take note of such a thing, considering John had recently left the room. Oh well, it didn't matter. She would now proceed through this door uneventfully.

She attempted to pass through uneventfully, but a bucket of Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurism Gushers poured onto her head. It was clearly a mischievous but thoughtful thank you gesture from John. Her prankster's gambit plunged to an all-time low. She simply could not hope to best Egbert in a prank off. He was the best there was.

John stood by the Alchemiter, his trusty rocket pack upon his back. Rose obviously wasn't waking up any time soon, so he figured he might as well take some time to explore, and maybe stop by again later.

"Why, Doctor Meowgon!" he exclaimed. "Do you want to come along for the ride? It sure looks that way. Ok, hop aboard then. Adventure awaits!" He scooped up the mutant kitty in his arms and blasted off. The cat climbed up onto his head.

Rose stepped outside just as John flew away. Where was he off to now? At least she had this little fellow here to keep her company. She decided to name him Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer.

Dave looked out the window. He could sure as hell kiss that obnoxious puppet goodbye. Maybe now he could get a decent knight's sleep (_night_, that is). He watched as Cal dropped to his doom far below… what! A rocket skateboard of some sort appeared and whisked Lil' Cal of to god knew where.

On the planet below, somewhere in the middle of Derse, the Authority Regulator looked up at the spectacle. Okay, this had to be the most ridiculous thing he'd ever seen. What was taking place here was almost certainly illegal. He wasn't sure which laws were being broken, but it was probably a lot!

Lil' Cal on the rocket skateboard descended and hovered over a transportalizer. AR rushed after him and they disappeared, one after the other.

John flew through the raining but clear LOLAR sky and spied a boat on the shore of one of the islands below. He wondered who could have been out here rowing in the middle of the ocean.

He landed and began to investigate. Hmm… hoofprints in the sand. The mystery deepened.

He entered the ruins. There were many frightening and powerful monsters inside. John encountered a pair of chalk liches and aggressed, smashing their skulls and stunning them with the cool time powers of his awesome new hammer. He then dispatched them swiftly.

The good Doctor Spengler helped him gather the riches. Farther into the temple was a platform. He guess he'd just go stand on it and… oh wow it just made him disappear.


	41. Book 3 Chapter 9: More Alchemization

Chapter 9: More Alchemization

Out in The Veil, on a seemingly insignificant meteor, was a building. It was in this building that John was appearified. Now what in the hell was going on in here. He and Dr. Spengler were in a lab of some sort. On the floor around him were a copy of the Sassacre Text… no, wait… _**his **_copy of the Sassacre Text, an oily fedora, a pony with a big pink bowtie and a heart tattoo on its back, and Lil' Cal wearing a purple shirt with an image of a crescent moon on it.

He looked past the four odd relics/living things/puppets and saw an odd system of giant jars hooked up to wires and tubes. _Now what in the hell was going on in here? _Inside some of the jars were what looked to be giant black and white chess pieces, and a bunch of smaller jars (which were all still a lot bigger than John) around them contained black and white carapacians.

Ah, who cared? He just decided to ride the pony instead. Yes. Fuck yes. Hell fucking yes! But seriously what in the hell was going on in here?

John walked past the jars and found a sweet getup propped up next to a large machiney console thing. The getup looked almost like it had been tailor made for him. How weird would that have been? He put on the Junior Ectobiologist's Lab Suit. It fit him perfectly.

Oh wow. Next to where that suit had been was a large machiney thing that John had neglected to pay attention to previously. Okay. NOW WHAT IN THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN HERE? Of course it was obvious to everyone but John what in the hell was going on in there. It was another one of those four-monitored house-shaped terminal thingies.

AR tried to resist the great urge to ride Bro's rocket board and failed. He started thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on his quest for "MAD JUSTICE YO" and got this way rude municipality under control. Shit was basically flying off the hook. It was like shit wanted nothing to do with that hook. The hook had filed for divorce from that shit and was now seeking custody of their two kids.

AR popped a fucking wheelie. These hops were unreal. Shit this flagrant should have been illegal. Actually, it probably was. But he didn't care. He high-fived another one of those mysterious arms coming from random blue portals throughout paradox space.

Meanwhile, on Prospit's moon, PM prepared to depart for the Battlefield. She had traveled from the main planet to the moon to catch a shuttle to Skaia. There she would seek WQ's council.

Something appeared behind her. It was a Dersian agent with a fancy-looking tentacled jester hat. The Parcel Mistress had been unwittingly tailed by a nefarious Courtyard Droll from Derse. CD attempted to pick her pocket. He poked her and then jumped around to her other side when she turned. She saw no one there.

While PM was distracted, CD pilfered WQ's ring from her. None the wiser, PM boarded the shuttle. Next stop, Skaia!

The Courtyard Droll received an incoming message from the Draconian Dignitary.

"Hey, did you get the ring?" DD asked.

"Yup," CD said.

"Good," DD said. "Bring it to me while I wait for an update from the Hegemonic Brute who's been tracing the King's movements down on the Battlefield."

"Right oh," CD said, and began to trek back to the transportalizer to Derse.

"Oh, and Droll," the Dignitary said. "Are you still wearing that ridiculous outfit? You don't have to wear it anymore, by orders of the Sovereign Slayer."

"I'd still rather wear the outfit," CD said. There was silence on the other end.

"Got it," DD said finally, and hung up.

Suddenly, a young girl with a yellow sun shirt on leaped out of nowhere and kicked CD in the face. She clobbered him and gave him an additional pummeling.

Jade's Dreambot similarly gave her dead Grandpa a good smackdown.

Dream Jade took the ring in a sweet catch and left the Courtyard Droll, who was currently seeing Squiddles. But it was too late. That carapacian CD had stolen the ring from had left. Jade had to remember to deliver it to her later somehow.

The best way to remind yourself that you were carrying a ring was to put it on your finger. Jade did so and immediately mutated like Jack and so many others before her. Her arm disappeared from her shoulder down, her eye developed a scratch over it, tentacles extended from beneath her arms, giant wings appeared on her back… etc.

Actually, that had just been an imaginary transformation, since the ring didn't actually work like that on humans. It had been fun to pretend though.

Meanwhile, in a timeless expanse somewhere, a Warweary Villein rued eternal struggle between feuding royalty. The Battlefield held little promise for the peaceful life of a simple farmer.

Before John had entered The Medium, the Battlefield had been a small 3x3 chess board. The Black King and the White King walked around the board, locked in an eternal struggle of opposition. However, with the entrance of John and Nannaquin, the small board had expanded into a large 8x8 board. And then, with the entrance of Rose and Jaspersprite, the large board had expanded into a chesscube, a land of water, checkerboard squares, and chess pieces. And then Dave and Davesprite had entered The Medium, turning the Battlefield into a huge checkerboard planet with hills and trees and stuff.

On one side of the board waved the yellow flag, Prospit's symbol of peace. On the other side lay Derse and their Dersian flag. A black carapacian army with swords and stuff marched towards Prospit's side. A white carapacian army with swords and stuff marched towards Derse's side. Under the white clouds of Skaia, the war between the two sides raged on the Battlefield.

Yellow and purple ships in the sky deployed more carapacians, climbing down long rope ladders. A giant black chess piece was plopped onto one of the squares, knocking some white carapacians aside.

And somewhere not too far away from the chaos, a scarecrow floated in the breeze. The scarecrow guarded over a nice little flower shop nearby, where a Warweary Villein lived. The grass outside his house caught fire and he walked outside. He walked to the top of a hill overlooking a large portion of the Battlefield and watched as the Black King knocked a bunch of white carapacians to the side, dead, with his Skaian staff.

A shadow passed overhead. Jack Noir, flying up above, surveyed the blood shed along with WV. They both watched, one gleefully and one in despair. And then both of the sides joined forces against some unknown enemy. They all turned as one great carapacian army under the leadership of the Villein.

At the same time, elsewhere on the Battlefield, the Parcel Mistress encountered the White King. The giant man disengaged his staff and was brought down to PM's size. She explained the situation, showing him WQ's ring. The White King nodded and handed her his staff. "This is my equivalent of a ring," he explained.

The Hegemonic Brute (HB) watched the exchange and reported back to the Dignitary.

"Good," said DD. "Everything is going according to plan then. Ready your fists for phase two, please."

The carapacian army marched towards the Black King (BK). "But I'm your King," he remarked to the black half of the army with a snarl. He sounded very taken aback. "You can't…" He stopped talking because Jack Noir, also known as the Sovereign Slayer, or SS, had just sliced the King's staff in half. BK shrunk to his normal size. "Aw shit," he said. SS landed and slashed his head off. BK's staff flew into the air and fell down a waterfall.

Elsewhere on the Battlefield, HB leaped out, punched PM in the face, and grabbed the staff. "Ha! What's left of your little plan now?" he asked brutishly.

Rose decided to alchemize a whole bunch of cool stuff because why not. shit. lets be santa

COMIC #16: he LAUGHED when he shok, like a bowl full of WEED! omfg

Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff in SHIT LETS BE SANTA

Sweet Bro: shit. lets be santa

Sweet Bro: com on. these are GREAT BOOTS

Sweet Bro: FUCK they dont fit!

Sweet Bro: come ON

Sweet Bro: *sign*...

Sweet Bro: fuck.

Sweet Bro: who would even make these…

Sweet Bro: conksuck boots anyway…

Sweet Bro: _imigrants?_

Panel thing: BIMP

Hella Jeff: and the night before christmas…..

Hella Jeff: and all through then house…..

Hella Jeff: not a creature…

enter Geromy through chimney

Geromy: GOD BLESS US EVERYBODY

Anyway, Rose made a hubtop by &amp;&amp; combining the laptop and hub. That one had been pretty obvious. She then &amp;&amp; combined the bronzed vacuum and an umbrella to make the bronzed vacuumbrella. Useless. But she was still just getting warmed up.

Rose | | combined Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer and an eldritch plush doll to make a huggable soft Salamancer plush. She awarded it to the Viceroy on account of good behavior.

She &amp;&amp; combined an ink bottle with a box of Gushers to make a box of Bodacious Black Liquid Sorrow Gushers. Another Crocker nightmare reared its ugly head. The ink reversed the healing properties of the blue phlegm. These were pure poison.

Rose &amp;&amp; combined her hair band and the hubtop to create the hubtopband, a convenient hands-free computing device.

She then &amp;&amp; combined the magnetic W and a bottle of her Mom's vodka to make a W-shaped bottle containing magnetic wodka. In addition to having high alcohol content, the liquid inside appeared to have magnetic properties. She… she _guessed_ it could be useful.

Next, she &amp;&amp; combined a wizard statue with a ball of yarn to produce some silken wizardbeard yarn (with magical properties). It had magical properties because it was made of a wizard. Maybe she could make something that also had magical properties but was a bit more useful than this. Perhaps combining the wizard statue with the knitting needles?

She | | combined them to produce a pair of needlewands. They crackled with the majyyk enyrjjies. It was time to make something cool to wear too.

She &amp;&amp; combined some of her knittings with a velvet pillow and | | combined the two with her dark squiddle shirt, making a stylish velvet squiddleknit dress.

Rose &amp;&amp; combined her needlewands and her grimoire to create the Thorns of Oglogoth. The needles seemed to shiver with the dark desires of the deep one. Any sane adventurer would cast these instruments of the occult into the Furthest Ring and forget they had ever existed.

During all that time she'd just spend alchemizing (certainly not in a 1980's timelapse montage), dozens of malefactors had arrived. The consisted of imps, ogres, and liches. She aggrieved them with the Thorns of Oglogoth.

"Welcome to the party, motherfuckers!" she yelled.

Jade took advantage of Dave's nap to make some architectural headway on the apartment building. She was really proud of her floor plan. It was so cool!

Oh, and, speaking of naps, she'd been asleep for some time now herself. She supposed she'd better wake up soon. But then, her neighbor in the other tower was supposed to be waking up soon too, and it would sure be a shame if she wasn't around to greet him.

Dave suddenly woke up and decided it was time to jam. And by jam he meant alchemize, of course. Whoa his house was huge suddenly! Anyway, it was time to get this party started.

Dave &amp;&amp; combined his sunglasses and iPhone to make the iShades. This one had been really obvious because Future Dave had had a pair, but he'd taken them with him when he'd prototyped himself. Now he had a pair too, though, so that was cool.

He then &amp;&amp; combined the timetables from Future Dave and his computer, making the turntop. Convenient computing on the go. Sort of like he had with his iShades, except with all the important files and apps on there. Not to mention SBURB. Plus maybe it had some weird time powers? He had no idea. He'd mess with it later.

Dave | | combined Future Dave's puppet tux with a smuppet, producing a red plush puppet tux. He popped them on. Walking around in them was like walking around in snugly pajamas. _Action pajamas_!

Next, he &amp;&amp; combined the broken Caledscratch and some ruby contraband, whatever the hell that was. They were both items he'd gotten from Future Dave's loot stash. The resulting item cost a fortune. He had no idea what it was!

He momentarily reconfigured his Alchemiter upgrades to make use of the holopad extension. He popped the card in the slot and checked it out. The combination would produce the broken Scarlet Ribbitar. It cost 50,000 build grist, 200,000 rubies, 10,000 diamonds, and 1,000,000 of an unknown type of grist.

He tried combining the whole Caledscratch with the ruby contraband to produce the Scarlet Ribbitar in its unbroken form. There was no way he could afford to buy that. It cost _twice_ as much as its broken counterpart. He supposed he could always alchemize the broken Ribbitar and then dial back time with his turntables…

Maybe he'd stick to combining items from around the house for now, rather than stuff from his future sylladex… or, rather, alternate future sylladex. It would be less confusing that way, and probably less expensive.

He used one of his Bro's really shitty swords from the fridge and a printout of a Hella Jeff comic to make a Sord. This thing was so unbelievably shitty he had a hard time even holding it. No, seriously! It was transparent! com ON!

Dave then combined a Snoop Dogg photo with the mini AC and the Caledscratch to produce the Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete. When foes dropped it like it was hot all he had to do was turn up the blizzizzle nozzle so they chizzlaxed fo' rizzle.

Next he combined a skateboard with his Hella Jeff drawing to make Unreal Air. And there it went, floating directly upwards. It was ridiculous what kind of air this thing was getting. "Dude come get the ruler check this out." Yeah, it wasn't coming back. It flew higher and higher and finally vanished in Dave's line of sight.

He made another Unreal Air but quickly stashed it in a card so it didn't escape from above. Next, he turned back the clock to make a vintage Gamebro magazine issue. He thought he remembered this one from his Bro's stash. It was a classic.

Dave combined a batarang from the house with a Midnight Crew poster and created four suitarangs, one of each suit. Dave made a whole pile of them because they were really cool and pretty cheap.

He next &amp;&amp; combined the plush puppet tux with his Midnight Crew poster to make the Four Aces Suited. He wasn't really sure which outfit he liked better. The red one was softer, while the new black one was kind of stiff and starchy. Anyone wearing the Four Aces Suited was all business. Maybe he'd switch it up as his mood dictated.

He also &amp;&amp; combined the plush puppet tux with his poster of The Felt to make the Felt Duds… or he would have, if he had some of whatever that green grist was. Instead, he &amp;&amp; combined a smuppet and the poster of The Felt and made a jutting out and impudent felt plush. Dave did an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into its heart, and it into his.

Dave &amp;&amp; combined the dead things in amber from his room with a smuppet to make a foam mutant smuppet encased in amber. Now he was getting somewhere. He | | combined the same items to produce an amber mutant smuppet abomination. For science! So cool. Now this was how he made shit work. Egbert and Lalonde should have been taking notes.

He then combined the Mr. T puppet with a fetus in a jar to create a foam fetal Mr. T in a jar. Another backbreaking victory for science. Dave was looking pretty chill with his new freakshow entourage. The underlings all looked kind of put off by it though. He was kind of weirding them out.

Dave &amp;&amp; combined a camera and a captchalogue card to make the Captcharoid Camera. He could use it to snap a ghost image of any object without captchaloguing it. It spit out a brand new captchalogue card every time. "Could be a useful way to take a large inventory of anything I encounter without cluttering up my sylladex," Dave said. Also for grabbing codes for stuff he couldn't ordinarily pick up. Dave took a picture of himself in one of his patented ironic cool guy self-portraits. Man so cool. That was really all there was to say on the matter.

He then tried to &amp;&amp; combine his self-portrait with the fetus in a jar. That would apparently make Dave' brain in a jar. Gross. It cost a king's ransom though (1 billion of some yet unknown type of grist) because of course the organ was virtually unimitable. But that didn't stop him from captcharoiding the hologram. Okay, that was probably the weirdest thing he'd ever done, but ok.

He then combined the picture of his brain in a jar, the SBAHJ drawing, and the captcharoid camera to make the SBAHJifier. Finally, something useful. It cost him -1000 units of artifact grist, whatever that was.

He decided to try out the SBAHJifier. He snapped a picture of Davesprite and a comic was automatically made.

COMIC #SPECAL: MAGICAL WINGS

Hella Jeff: bro whered you go i was going to shoa you my chops…. ..

Hella Jeff: ahah dude are those wings?

Sweet Bro: time to fly up away to the sun you fucknig piece of gargbage

Hella Jeff: UM…. OKAAAAAAAAAAY?

Hella Jeff: the only thing thats left to really do its watch that ass whole fall


	42. Book 3 Chapter 10: Genetic Codes

Chapter 10: Genetic Codes

Finally, Dave alchemized Rose's journals. He couldn't forget the most important thing he'd come up here to make. He needed to be gettin' his snoop on.

He took a look at the two journals. One was titled "MEOW". The other was titled "Complacency of the Learned". Gee, he wondered what could be in MEOW.

He opened the book:

**MWOEWEOWOEOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWOEWEOWMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWOEWMEWMMWOMEWEOWEOEWOMOWEMWMOEWEOEMWMOMMWEMWOMWEWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOWEOWMEOMEWEMOMWEMWMOEWMOEWMOEWMWEWOMEWMOEMWOMEWMEWEMWMOEOMMMOMOMOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMOWWMWWMWMOEWEOOOMOMOEEOMWMWEOWEOMWMOWMWEOMWEMWOWMWOEOMWEOMWWWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMOEWOMOEOEWMOWMWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWEWEOWEOEWOMOWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEEEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWM **

**WMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWEWMEOMWEMMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWWMWMWOEWEOMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWWMWMWOEWE **

**OMWMWOMWEWEWEWOWOWEOWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMWMWOMWMOWOEOEOWMWMWMW**

To no surprise at all, this book was filled with more MEOW letters. It looked like Rose was totally nuts. What else was knew. He guessed he'd try out the other book. It looked like some sort of creative writing project. He opened to the beginning.

**Frigglish bothered his beard, as if unkinking a hitch in a long silk windsock. A more pedestrian audience would parse the exhibit as nervous compulsion. Behavior to petition contempt among the reasonable. He was however not surrounded by the reasonable, but the **_**wise**_**, a distinction in men that would forever be the difference in history's garland of treasured follies. As a matter of fact, his cadre of fellow wizards were all putting similar moves on their beards as well. The practice would evince thoughtfulness - sagacity, even - if they didn't do it all the time. Standing in line at the bank. Shooing squirrels from bird feeders. Few occasions were safe. **

**Zazzerpan inspected the clue. A single piece of evidence cradled in his coriaceous old man palms. It was a human bone, not striking in the tale it told alone so much as that told by the thousands like it festooning the marshy soil of the mass grave. The grisly expanse bore the texture of a decadent dessert, like one of Smarny's formidable custard trifles wobbled out on wheels for the holidays, to the dismay of a small nation. **

**"You're certain of this?" asked Frigglish. Despite what he was doing with his beard, he was, in fact, immersed in meaningful contemplation. **

**"I am afraid I am becoming more so with each terrible tick groused by that gaudy timepiece slung around your neck." In case it wasn't clear, Frigglish wore a clock Zazzerpan didn't care for. It was magic. "The massacre of Syrs Gnelph was not as written." **

**"What has you convinced it was the hand of our disciples in this blackness?" Executus chimed in. **

**"I believe... I..." a fat face stammered, eyes darting with the guilt of a thief in the throes of an unraveling alibi. "I can summon a... more **_**pressing**_ **line of inquiry..." No, Smarny. Nobody was in the mood for a sticky bundt loaf just now. **

**Zazzerpan's ears fell insubstantial to any line of inquiry, pastry-oriented or otherwise. His abstruse contour carved a pondering shape in the fog carpeting centuries-dead. His eleven contemporaries too embraced the muted consternation of their great Predicant Scholar. Few wizards kept sharper adumbratives or read them with such lucidity. When Zazzerpan treated men with silence it was seldom unrepaid by the wise and reasonable alike. **

**It was harrowing to entertain. Zazzerpan the Learned's storied Complacency of Wizards was marked for grander descendence. Disciples hand-picked, vetted by Ockite the Bonafide and tested by Gastrell the Munificent. The twelve sweetest, most studious children a pair of elderly eyes could give their sparkle. Not the ragged guttersnipe so oft-harvested by the common Obscenity, those vituperative little beggars with hearts to corrupt as dropped bananas brown. That these chosen youngsters would turn was not merely unthinkable, but something of a roundhouse to the temporal bones of the Upper Indifference's high chamber of Softskulled Prophets. **

**His wisdom-savaged brow pruned further with recount of his many lessons to wouldbe successors. Lessons to advance humanity's elucidation and prosperity, an outcome this bleak trail now painfully obviated. There were few puzzles The Learned could not suspend and dissect in the recondite manifold beneath his extremely expensive pointy hat. Daring to pitch his cherished pupils in with the foul melange of history's rogues, the heretofore abstract scourge that built up civilizations with ungodly magic and tore them down with joyful malice, would prove an intellectual trespass to make his calcium-deficient bones quake. **

**And more daring yet was the only question that now mattered. Could a bunch of bearded, scraggly old men in preposterous outfits hunt them down? He didn't have an answer. Only a simple observation so blunt and uncharacteristically jejune for the lauded sage it was breathtaking in its selfevidency. **

**"We're going to need more wands." (Wow. Think of something better.)**

This wizard story seemed really involved and kind of confusing. He'd have to save his place and dig into it later, and then ask Rose what the hell the deal with it was.

He returned to his room in search of a bookmark. Oh, hey. Finally a use for that pointless juice-stained beta that would never serve any purpose, past or future. He dropped the journal on the john in the center of his room in case he was looking for some reading material later.

He hopped on his computer and checked on Rose. She was burning one of her notebooks.

**TG: whoa why are you burning your wizard fanfiction**

**TT: I'm not.**

**TT: This book contains a genetic code.**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: then why are you burning that**

**TT: The gods from the Furthest Ring asked me to.**

**TG: is that some dumb wizard thing you just made up**

**TG: or something to do with tentacle monsters**

**TG: i cant keep track of what you like anymore**

**TT: How did you know I wrote a story about wizards, anyway?**

**TG: john told me**

**TG: he was all snoopin around your room while you were asleep and i was like no man dont**

**TG: so not cool**

**TG: then he was like haha dude check it out this book is full of wizard slash**

**TG: and i was like i dont even want to know this is such a crazy violation of privacy**

**TT: This story sounds suspicious.**

**TG: do you want me to chew him out about it i will because that was so outrageous i dont know where he got off being like that**

**TT: No, I don't actually mind.**

**TT: Too bad I missed him.**

**TG: i thought you hated wizards**

**TG: whats the deal with that**

**TT: I like wizards.**

**TT: What I don't like is my mother's obsession with feigning interest in them to antagonize me.**

**TG: oh man thats so messed up**

**TG: that you think that**

**TG: she probably digs wizards for real just like you and youre blowing shit out of proportion like pretty much always**

**TG: you and she could probably have been chatting up how awesome wizards were this whole time but no**

**TG: youre probably burning your nutjob meow book to spite her too arent you**

**TT: No, I told you.**

**TT: It's one of the gene sequences locked in my subconcious.**

**TT: The gods say it's critical to destroy it.**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i thought that was a joke**

**TG: when did they say that**

**TT: When I was asleep.**

**TG: you mean when we were dancing and stuff in our dreams**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: When I flew to your tower, I heard them.**

**TT: They're far above, in the dark sky.**

**TG: ive never seen or heard these things in my dreams**

**TT: Aren't you often distracted?**

**TT: By music and puppets?**

**TG: uh yeah**

**TT: Have you ever looked into the sky without your shades?**

**TG: no what a ridiculous question**

**TT: Maybe you should try it some time.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: You're the prince of the moon.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: I'm sure they've been meaning to seek a royal audience.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: What do all these dots mean...**

**TG: dunno**

**TG: anyway yeah i guess ill do that**

**TG: get some sky monsters to boss me around sounds cool**

**TG: so really why are you burning that**

**TT: I just explained this to Other Dave.**

**TT: Do I have to explain everything to you twice now?**

**TG: no i know**

**TG: im using daves spare computer i saw the whole conversation through his pesterchum account**

**TT: Oh, I see.**

**TT: So instead of having to double explain, I merely have to put up with being double spied upon.**

**TT: What a relief!**

**TG: i just mean**

**TG: you didnt burn that book in the future**

**TG: that book was completely pointless**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: But now it's not.**

**TT: You appeared to make it relevant by traveling to the past.**

**TG: so does that mean the sleeping thing worked**

**TG: you remember the future**

**TT: I remember some things.**

**TG: ok cool**

**TG: so why is the cat code so terrible now**

**TT: I don't know.**

**TT: But the gods were pretty emphatic about it.**

**TG: well ok i guess its done but why are you so sure theyre right**

**TT: Have you ever known them to be wrong?**

**TG: i guess not**

**TG: but they sort of freak me out**

**TG: i mean listening to gross space mutants all day isnt my idea of an awesome time**

**TG: especially the ones that sing oh god**

**TT: Is that why you always kept the music turned up?**

**TG: no i flip out to ill jams because they kick ass**

**TG: obviously**

**TT: I guess we'll chalk another riddle up in the solved column.**

**TG: yeah case the fuck closed**

**TG: are you talking to future me**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: ok im out of the loop again**

**TG: between you taking orders from dream beasts and bird wing me with like**

**TG: future secrets**

**TG: im doing some sort of spectacular fucking jackknife off the loop and getting a wink and a nod from barack obana**

**TG: im coming upstairs**

**TT: Ok.**

Dave left his room and someone else entered through the window. It was a Dersian agent, the Draconian Dignitary.

**DAVE: so it was pretty funny how i made a copy of roses evil book right before she burned it and now she doesnt know about it**

**DAVESPRITE: i know its crazy what kind of foresight this guy has**

**DAVESPRITE: im telling you coincidences like that are unreal they dont even happen**

**DAVESPRITE: most of the time**

**DAVE: the best thing about how i did that is how it in no way will ever come back to bite us in the ass ever**

**DAVESPRITE: dude our shit is SAFE**

**DAVE: so safe**

**DAVESPRITE: gonna sleep pretty sound tonight**

**DAVESPRITE: with that big fucking payload of safety you just got dropped on us**

**DAVESPRITE: gonna be all huggin my pillow and shit**

**DAVESPRITE: grinning like a goddamn bear full of honey**

**DAVE: safer than some flintstone vitamins in a bottle**

**DAVE: keep twisting junior all you get is clicks**

**DAVESPRITE: asshole thinks its candy**

**DAVESPRITE: doesnt even know he just stepped on a security rake and got a face full of fucking safety**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: anyway guess ill go back down and burn that book**

**DAVESPRITE: alright**

Dave returned to his room and found that the books were gone! "What?!" He yelled. He was about to go back in time and stop the thief, but judging by the dead version of himself on the floor, he'd already tried that. Whoever had taken those books had been a really cold-blooded dude. He figured he'd cool it on the time travel for a while. He didn't want to see the Dave corpses start to pile up. Especially if one of them wound up being him.

He threw the body out the window so that Jade wouldn't see it. It probably would have freaked her out. The body landed in the lava and burned into nothingness.

Hiding where Dave couldn't see, the Draconian Dignitary began to slip away. He already had what he needed.

John pushed one of the buttons on the control panel, activating the upper right monitor. The view was locked on to a particular location on Earth at a particular date and time. Whoever had been in the lab before appeared to have recently calibrated the device.

The monitor displayed a town on the west coast of the United States. It appeared to be his old neighborhood. But there was a factory there that he didn't recognize. The date on the screen said it was December 1st, 1995, a few months before he'd been born. He zoomed into the factory. It was a Betty Crocker factory. John was about to flip out when he saw something else.

An old woman was being escorted by her son on a lovely day. A target had been locked over the gentleman's mother. That was his Dad and Nanna, he was sure of it! And they were walking past the factory. A meteor overhead loomed unnoticed.

Suddenly, the meteor crashed into the factory and destroyed it! Collateral damage to a corporation owned by a renowned billionaire explorer. A mystery began.

John pressed the big blue button in the center console and created a paradox ghost imprint of the woman he recognized to be his grandmother. The ghost sludge was sucked into a glass tube.

He then pressed another one of the buttons and the bottom right switched on. The upper right monitor switched off. The monitor displayed a view of a remote island in the Pacific on December 3rd, 1995. A renowned billionaire explorer approached on his yacht. An old factory had been lost two days prior, but a new shipmate gained. Jade stood next to him, holding the old patchwork bunny that John had received from Rose for his birthday. Together, the old man and the girl settled the island and plundered its secrets. A meteor overhead streaked unnoticed, headed towards an unseasonably warm city in the central United States.

John pressed the blue button again, creating a paradox ghost imprint of the man he'd spotted in the woods with his book. The ghost sludge was again scooped up by the machine.

John switched to a view of an unseasonably warm city in the central United States on December 4th, 1995. An outrageously awesome dude stood before a crater where his favorite record shop had stood one day prior. He was prepared for the occasion with a small pair of outrageously awesome triangular shades. A meteor raced overhead unnoticed, headed to a lake near a laboratory on the east coast of the US. No aquatic life could survive.

John created a paradox ghost imprint of the outrageously awesome dude. The sludge was allocated to another glass tube.

He switched to the last screen, which displayed a view of his neighborhood on April 13, 1996. It was the date of his birth. There was more real estate he did not recognize near the recently devastated baked goods facility. It was a shopping mall he'd never seen before. He zoomed in. A professional lady, who had recently become a mother, walked along the sidewalk. She'd traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he was on expedition.

She didn't notice the arm sticking out of a portal in the sky, but she did notice a meteor overhead, on collision course with a quaint family joke shop called Prankster's Gambit. A distinguished gentleman with a pipe and fedora noticed the lady and came outside to greet her, oblivious to the threat above. The gentleman's mother remained inside the shop, busying herself with a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a rather hefty copy of _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_.

The meteor crashed into the joke shop and the gentleman and lady were thrown to the side. The baby girl the lady was cradling in her arms began to cry. An old mother was lost that day for the old gentleman, but a new son was gained.

The gentleman stood and discovered a clue. The pink scarf the lady had been wearing. His powerful nose detected perfume. The lady had fled. The mystery deepened.

But the monitor in the lab had not lost track of the lady. John pressed the blue button and created a paradox ghost imprint of her. The sludge filled the fourth and final tube. Once they were all filled, an automatic sequence began to execute. Screens scrolled through countless letters of A, C, T, and G, the four chemicals that made up DNA.

Suddenly, four young paradox clones were created. Bro Strider, Rose's Mom, John's Dad, and Jade's Grandpa all appeared on a large cloning pad. But there was one more button to push before John tried to figure out what exactly was going on. Who were these mysterious babies?

Boy, ectobiology sure did involve a lot of button-pushing. At least it did when you were a junior ectobiologist. He reached for it, but his loyal assistant Dr. Meowgon Spengler was all over this one.

One pair of tubes (containing John's and Jade's ancestors' ghost sludge imprints) emptied into the chamber below. So did the other pair (containing Rose's and Dave's ancestors' ghost sludge imprints) into a different chamber. Another sequence was activated and four more paradox baby clones were produced. This time they looked like the four kids…

John stormed up the echeladder to the coveted if difficult to pronounce rung: Ectobiolobabysitter. The eight babies began to crawl all over him. His ladder was absolutely hemorrhaging the boondollars. Just what his porkhollow's fat ass needed.

He surpassed one million boondollars and traded them all in for a single whopping boonbuck. This was, of course, going directly into the college fund for the youngsters. It sure was heavy. Into the hollow it went… or not. The boonbuck smashed the porkhollow into hundreds of tiny ceramic shards.


	43. Book 3 Chapter 11: Ectobiolobabysitting

Chapter 11: Ectobiolobabysitting

An old man with a safari hat navigated The Veil nearby. He had much to do before he returned to Earth, died, got stuffed by his adopted-yet-biological daughter/granddaughter, and stuck in front of a fireplace. Taking priority at the moment was shipping two passengers long overdue for a reunion. He steered his starship around a rather large meteor.

On one of the riggings of the ship stood a distinguished gentleman and a professional lady. The gentleman took the pink scarf out of his wallet fetch modus and gave it to the lady. She took it and wrapped it around her neck. They held hands and looked towards the glowing light of Skaia.

The eight children in the ectobiology lab messed around while John answered one of the trolls. Little paradox John hugged Dr. Spengler to his chest. Paradox Rose and her paradox Mom played some kind of pattycake game. Baby Grandpa Harley smashed his fist against the cloning pad. The Strider brothers smashed the glass jars of the ectobiology machine apart. Paradox Jade tugged on his shorts while Paradox Nanna climbed on top of John's head.

**CG: SEE THIS IS A CASE IN POINT.**

**EB: what point?**

**CG: THE POINT I WAS JUST MAKING.**

**CG: ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.**

**CG: YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE.**

**CG: OK THAT'S YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT ME SOME MORE I GUESS.**

**CG: BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF WHENEVER I FLAME YOU.**

**CG: HUMANS ARE DERANGED.**

**EB: oh man, i must be getting closer to the conversations where you're trolling me harder!**

**EB: this is pretty exciting, i can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve.**

**CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN? FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT.**

**EB: anyway, you weren't making a point about the ultimate riddle, dude.**

**CG: YES I WAS, AND NOW I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT DIPSHIT.**

**EB: nope, we never talked about it.**

**EB: yet...**

**CG: OH HELL, THAT'S RIGHT.**

**CG: DAMMIT, I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO BE CONFUSING.**

**EB: oh, you're just starting to figure that out now?**

**CG: SEE I KIND OF PAINTED MYSELF INTO A CORNER.**

**CG: I STARTED TROLLING YOU AT THE END, JUST BEFORE THE RIFT.**

**CG: AND THEN JUMPED BACK A LITTLE.**

**CG: AND NOW I GUESS I'VE BECOME RAILROADED INTO WORKING BACKWARDS HERE.**

**CG: UNLESS I WANT TO DO THE SORT OF DUMB SCHIZOPHRENIC HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE OTHERS.**

**EB: oh my god, i know, you've already told me like a million times!**

**CG: I HAVE?**

**CG: WOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR ALL THESE AMAZING CONVERSATIONS TO TAKE PLACE.**

**CG: IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE THAT HUMAN VACATION WITH THE GIANT RED CHIMNEY ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.**

**CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE A BUNCH OF MOANY NOOKSUCKERS SING AT A LITTLE PINE TREE I THINK.**

**EB: man, i've got to say i'm a little disappointed by this "masterful trolling" you were bragging about.**

**CG: I WAS BRAGGING?**

**CG: WHY WOULD I BOTHER WITH THAT SORT OF PEDANTIC HUMAN HORSESHIT.**

**CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THAT I WAS BRAGGING TO GET YOUR HOPES UP IN THE FUTURE.**

**CG: ONLY TO LET YOU DOWN.**

**CG: AND THUS TROLL YOU MASTERFULLY IN THAT RESPECT.**

**EB: maybe, but that would be pretty weak too!**

**CG: YOUR BRITTLE HUMAN CALCIUM BASED SKULL IS WHAT IS WEAK, AND IF YOU AND I WERE IN THE PROXIMITY OF A BLUNT INSTRUMENT I WOULDN'T HAVE MUCH TROUBLE PROVING IT.**

**EB: w/e.**

**EB: so what was the "case in point" you were making, anyway?**

**CG: I WAS SCROLLING BACK AND NOTICED YOU WERE IN THE VEIL.**

**EB: whoa, i am?**

**CG: YEAH DUMBDUMB, YOU'RE TUMBLING AROUND ON A BIG GODDAMN METEOR.**

**CG: AND YOU JUST CREATED YOUNGER VERSIONS OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR GUARDIANS.**

**CG: PROBABLY BY MUCKING AROUND WITH THAT THING LIKE A DOOFUS.**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: these are baby versions of us?**

**CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA, SO CLUELESS.**

**CG: WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING THERE ANYWAY.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i saw footage of my nanna, and some other people who i am pretty sure were like jade's grandpa and rose's mom and stuff from a long time ago.**

**EB: and then...**

**EB: there were all these little guys scurrying around.**

**EB: so they are like cloned copies of us?**

**CG: NO.**

**CG: THEY ARE LITERALLY YOU AND YOUR GUARDIANS.**

**CG: PARADOX CLONES.**

**EB: huh?**

**EB: what do you mean they are literally us?**

**EB: do they go back in time?**

**CG: YEAH, OBVIOUSLY. GREAT GUESS BRAIN HERO.**

**CG: BUT TECHNICALLY THEY AREN'T EVEN SENT BACK IN TIME BECAUSE WITH RESPECT TO THE MEDIUM YOUR UNIVERSE'S TIMELINE IS MEANINGLESS.**

**CG: SERIOUSLY WHY WOULD IT GIVE A CRAP ABOUT EARTH'S PAST OR FUTURE OR WHATEVER, FROM IT'S PERSPECTIVE IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF POINTS TO CHOOSE FROM.**

**CG: JUST LIKE YOUR CHRONOLOGY IS FROM OUR PERSPECTIVE.**

**CG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S A BUNCH OF SEMANTICS. WITH RESPECT TO YOUR PERSONAL CHRONOLOGY YEAH THEY GO BACK IN TIME.**

**CG: A PARADOX CLONE IS BY DEFINITION A CORRECTLY CLONED DUPLICATE THAT WILL INEVITABLY GO BACK IN TIME AND BECOME THE ORIGINAL TARGET THAT WAS CLONED.**

**CG: IF IT'S A MALFORMED CLONE, IT'S JUST A MEANINGLESS MUTANT THAT HAS NO BEARING ON THE STABLE LOOP CONTINUUM.**

**CG: I DON'T SEE ANY TENTACLES OR EXTRA EYEBALLS OR WARPED BONE BULGES, SO THOSE GROSS LITTLE THINGS THERE ARE ALL YOU GUYS, WAITING TO GO TO EARTH AND GROW UP AND BECOME THE INSIPID BUNCH OF GRUBFISTED DOUCHEBAGS YOU ALL ARE NOW.**

**CG: AND THIS WAS THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE ABOUT THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE.**

**EB: what is the riddle anyway?**

**EB: maybe i can guess, i am good at riddles!**

**CG: HAHAHA, THINK AGAIN IGNORAMUS.**

**CG: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GREAT.**

**CG: OR EVEN MUCH OF A RIDDLE AT ALL.**

**CG: IN THE COURSE OF YOUR ADVENTURE YOU WOULD HAVE ENCOUNTERED ALL THESE FRAGMENTS OF LIKE WEIRD POEMS AND SHIT.**

**CG: YOU FIND THEM ALONG YOUR QUESTS, WITH CLUES AND STUFF BURIED IN THEM TO HELP YOU SOLVE PUZZLES AND MOVE HUGE STONE COLUMNS AND MAKE STAIRCASES APPEAR AND LOTS OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.**

**CG: AND IT'S ALL MASKED IN THIS FLOWERY SORT OF FROTHY POETIC JACKASSERY THAT NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT.**

**CG: AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T CARE ABOUT SPOILING IT FOR YOU.**

**CG: BUT WHAT ALL THESE LOFTY SYMBOLIC ALLUSIONS BOIL DOWN TO IS SOME GRANDER STATEMENT ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE HAPPENING HERE.**

**CG: THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE KEY TO SEEDING YOUR OWN EXISTENCE THROUGH THIS GAME.**

**CG: AND ANY HOPE THAT IT COULD HAVE PLAYED OUT DIFFERENTLY OR THAT YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS WHOLE MESS WAS ALWAYS JUST A RUSE.**

**EB: a distaction, perhaps?**

**CG: WHAT?**

**EB: nevermind.**

**CG: BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T GO DOWN THIS WAY THEN HOW WERE YOU EVEN BORN, GET IT.**

**CG: WHICH IS ESPECIALLY PATHETIC SINCE PARADOX SPACE APPARENTLY WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE TO MAKE YOU JUST TO HAVE YOU FAIL AND DIE.**

**CG: REALLY THERE'S NOTHING MORE TRAGIC THAN THESE NULL SESSIONS FULL OF KIDS ENTERING THE GAME AND FULFILLING SOME COSMIC DESTINY SHIT JUST TO GET WIPED OUT AND LEAVE BEHIND AN EMPTY POINTLESS INCIPISPHERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.**

**CG: ACTUALLY IT'S SORT OF HILARIOUS.**

**CG: OR IT WOULD BE IF IT DIDN'T AFFECT ME PERSONALLY.**

**CG: BUT ANYWAY, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE RIDDLE THAN JUST THAT, LIKE WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT LAST TIME WE TALKED.**

**CG: BUT THAT'S SORT OF THE GIST OF THE THEMES IT DEALS WITH.**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: well, if i run into some salamanders who tell me all about this riddle and get really excited about it, i will try to act surprised.**

**EB: so this is the same kind of thing you went through?**

**EB: with, like, being your own paradox clones and creating your own parents and stuff?**

**CG: YEAH.**

**EB: how did that even work, with 12 of you?**

**CG: IT WAS REALLY FUCKING COMPLICATED AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO IT.**

**CG: OUR FAMILY STRUCTURES ARE ALREADY WAY MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOURS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING SPOOKY TIME SLIME INVOLVED.**

**CG: BASICALLY WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WHATSOEVER.**

**CG: EXCEPT MAYBE THIS...**

**CG: I WAS THE GUY IN YOUR POSITION, TO MAKE ALL THESE CLONES, AND FRANKLY IT ALL KIND OF FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT.**

**EB: huh...**

**EB: yeah, i guess now that you mention it, i am finding it all a little strange...**

**CG: OH, ONLY JUST NOW?**

**CG: FUCK YOU ARE FAST, I HOPE YOU GOT THE MAD BOONBUCKS TO PAY OFF THOSE SPEEDING TICKETS.**

**EB: no, no, i mean the ghost stuff and paradoxes are one thing of course...**

**EB: it's something else.**

**EB: it's just...**

**EB: this is really weird...**

**CG: WHAT'S SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.**

**EB: well, normally humans hatch...**

**EB: from like these slimy pods.**

**EB: then we wriggle out as a little pink larva.**

**CG: OH REALLY.**

**CG: HUH, MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOUGHT.**

**EB: (hehehehehehehe)**

**CG: MAYBE THOSE REALLY ARE MUTANT CLONES AND THEY AREN'T GOING BACK TO SEED YOUR PLANET?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: sure...?**

**CG: HELL, I'M CONFUSED NOW.**

**CG: NOT THAT I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR POINTLESS AWFUL LIVES.**

**EB: hey, i have an idea.**

**EB: why don't you get back to me in a few minutes?**

**EB: i mean like a few minutes of my time, not yours.**

**EB: all of these little pink monkeys are getting way out of line and i have to tend to them.**

**EB: if you message me in a couple minutes, we can continue conversing in a sane, linear fashion for a change!**

**CG: UM, OK?**

**EB: and then after that you can keep going backwards and then make fun of me riding my little red rocket.**

**EB: you can tell me i look like a silly little paradox clone fresh out of my slime tube and this is just all a big nurseytime recess jamboree.**

**EB: that would burn me good!**

**CG: OK THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.**

**CG: BUT I CAN'T USE IT, BECAUSE YOU SAID IT, AND THEN LATER, I.E. RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU WERE THE ONE TO COME UP WITH THAT BURN.**

**CG: SEE, YOU ARE DEALING WITH A PRO, YOU CAN'T OUT TROLL ME SO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND STOP TRYING.**

**EB: (hehehehehehehehehehehe)**

John looked at the little pink monkeys, who were scrambling all over the place. They appeared to be preoccupied by some of the objects littered around the lab. At least it was keeping them busy.

One of the Striders was asleep on Lil' Cal. Paradox Grandpa Harley wielded a couple of pistols and the other Strider was sitting on Maplehoof's back.

**CG: OK IT'S A FEW MINUTES LATER.**

**CG: LOOK HOW SANE AND LINEAR WE ARE BEING.**

**EB: yeah!**

**CG: OK AWESOME, NOW FUCK YOU AND GOODBYE.**

**EB: wait!**

**CG: WHAT.**

**EB: i was just looking at all these rascals, and i was wondering...**

**EB: how they go back in time and become us and stuff.**

**EB: does it have something to do with the reckoning?**

**CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.**

**EB: you told me.**

**EB: we had this great dare going.**

**EB: to see who could be the least helpful and informative.**

**EB: and you totally lost, dude!**

**EB: you were hella helpful.**

**CG: I WAS OBVIOUSLY JUST SPITING YOUR STUPID POINTLESS HUMAN DARE.**

**CG: WHAT IS A DARE ANYWAY, IT'S NOTHING.**

**CG: SOMEONE SAYS DO SOMETHING AND THEN, OH LAUGH LAUGH, YOU LOSE IF YOU DON'T DO IT.**

**CG: THAT ISN'T ANYTHING THAT DESERVES A WORD.**

**CG: WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A WORD FOR DARE IN OUR LANGUAGE.**

**CG: THE CLOSEST APPROXIMATION WOULD BE "WORTHLESS FUCKING BULLSHIT WASTE OF TIME FOR SILLY LITTLE CHILDREN"**

**EB: oh, wow.**

**EB: is that the title of a movie too?**

**CG: YES, IT'S THE TITLE OF EVERY DUMB MOVIE YOU EVER LIKED.**

**EB: ha ha, that isn't even true and doesn't make sense!**

**CG: ANYWAY, HOW COULD WE HAVE MADE A DARE IF I'M MOVING BACKWARDS ON YOUR TIMELINE.**

**CG: YOU WOULD DARE ME TO DO SOMETHING, THEN I WOULD DO IT NEXT TIME, BUT THEN YOU WOULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE DARE.**

**CG: BECAUSE WE DIDN'T MAKE IT YET.**

**CG: THAT'S WHAT ISN'T TRUE AND DOESN'T MAKE SENSE YOU DAMP BAG OF PUKE.**

**EB: well yeah, the dare never happened, i was joking around and made that up to give you hard time.**

**CG: YOU HAVE SOUNDING STUPID DOWN TO SUCH A SCIENCE.**

**CG: WHERE IS YOUR LAB COAT AND TEST TUBES DOCTOR BRAIN PROFESSOR?**

**EB: i am wearing a lab coat!**

**EB: sort of...**

**CG: YOU LOOK LIKE AN ELF.**

**EB: that's bullshit!**

**CG: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD BE BLOWING INTO A FUNNY LITTLE SHELL, AND LIMBERING UP FOR A SILLY COOKIE DANCE.**

**EB: do you even have elves?**

**CG: YES, LET'S COMPARE WHICH FANTASY CREATURES THAT DON'T EXIST WE BOTH DO OR DON'T NOT HAVE.**

**CG: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA, JOHN!**

**EB: uh, what?**

**CG: YOU ASKED ABOUT THE RECKONING, SO WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT THAT INSTEAD OF ALL THESE PRETTY MUCH TERRIBLE THINGS.**

**EB: ok.**

**CG: YEAH, SO WHEN THE RECKONING STARTS HAPPENING, ALL THESE PARADOX CLONES GET SHIPPED OFF TO METEORS, FLUNG THROUGH SKAIAN DEFENSE PORTALS, AND SENT BACK TO EARTH.**

**CG: END OF STORY I GUESS.**

**CG: BYE.**

**EB: wait!**

**EB: so that means...**

**EB: we are all sort of like superman?**

**CG: UH YEAH, I GUESS.**

**EB: cool!**

**CG: YOU ALL TRACE THE MYTHOLOGICAL FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR BELOVED HUMAN SUPERMAN WHO'S REALLY JUST A MUSCULAR CAUCASIAN ALIEN.**

**CG: IT'S HILARIOUS HOW HUMANS WORSHIP HIM AS A PINNACLE OF HUMAN HEROISM AND VIRTUE BUT HE ISN'T EVEN HUMAN.**

**CG: ACTUALLY IT'S INCREDIBLY PATHETIC.**

**CG: BUT ALSO IN A WAY KIND OF ADMIRABLE.**

**CG: BECAUSE IT MEANS DEEP DOWN YOU ALL MUST REALIZE WHO YOUR DADDY IS.**

**CG: WE ARE, BITCHES.**

**EB: yeah, superman is pretty cool, i guess.**

**EB: did you know nicolas cage was almost going to play superman one time?**

**CG: OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT.**

**CG: JOHN EGBERT, YOU HAVE ASSASSINATED MY PATIENCE.**

**CG: ADIOS LOSER.**

**EB: wait!**

**EB: get back to me in a couple minutes, ok?**

**CG: SD;LKFJSD;LKFJSDLFKJ;**

**CG: FINE.**

**CG** performed a textbook facepalm x2 combo.


	44. Book 3 Chapter 12: SALT

Chapter 12: Sane and Linear Trolling

The Authority Regulator was ripping up so many hellacious shreds this fierceshitty biznasty was getting so deliriously rudebrazen it… Ok, he'd lost the handle on that sentence. Oh my god was that what he thought it was?

In front of AR was one of the meteors in The Veil. There was a frog temple civilization thing on it. So completely illegal.

How could this atrocity have been floating out here unnoticed all this time? He was going to throw whoever was responsible into the slammer. He always called jail the slammer when he was extra angry at crimes.

AR entered the illicit temple, gawking at the amphibious images depicted on the walls. There was a large elevator platform up ahead. AR descended on the platform and arrived in a dark, cavernous room. Near the platform was a time capsule. It had deployed a seed and was waiting for something to be deposited into it, as well as for the clock to be set. It was all harmless enough. Still no sign of any perpetrators.

He searched deeper into the darkness of the room. There he found some complicated lab equipment. Again, nothing particularly unusual for this jurisdiction. The terminal displayed an image of a small human girl in a fancy house. On the floor was a black-goo-covered fedora. The date was April 21, 1910.

Eight days prior, the orphan girl had been taken in by an aristocratic southern colonel and legendary humorist. The man had recovered the young lady from a crater where a bakery had once stood, operated by the man's wife, a notable baked goods baroness. The humorist had long, flowing blonde hair and wore a suit with a bowtie and cape. He had a party hat on his head and a festival kazoo in his mouth.

Suddenly, there was an explosion in the colonel's backyard. "Land sakes alive, we are cooking with petrol now!" he shouted as the house shook.

The colonel and his new granddaughter left to investigate. The impact site was where a dog house had stood moments ago. It had been the magnificent abode of the man's beloved pet, Halley. Colonel Sassacre took a belt from his old julep flask. He'd sooner perish himself than lose that dear animal.

And then, when everyone least expected it, a bullet hit the colonel in the heart. People would think for years of come that reports of the man's death were greatly exaggerated, but they weren't. Paradox Grandpa Harley sat in the midst of the wreckage from the crater, holding two guns. One of them was still smoking. This was exactly why babies should not be allowed to dual-wield flintlock pistols. For the orphan girl, it was an old colonel lost, but a new brother gained. Jade's Grandpa climbed out of the crater in his diaper.

Ah ha, there was Halley! The youngsters adored their new guardian. Good dog. Best friend. The young boy had difficulty pronouncing the name though. It sounded more like Harley when he said it.

AR fast-forwarded through the timeline to a point 13 years later when the boy developed a taste for adventure. He and Halley bid farewell. His sister was sad. She'd be left all alone with the wicked pastry baroness.

"You can handle it," he told her. "I believe in you."

This all seemed pointless to AR, and immaterial to the crime that had been committed. Though he did find it odd that the Appearifier target had been fixed over that especially stupid-looking animal.

He heard the elevator platform moving. Someone was coming. It was a high ranking agent from Derse. Could this have been the man behind the crime? Could his intent have been mutinous? But he knew the agent was far too dangerous to take into custody, so he hid behind some lab equipment and observed.

The Draconian Dignitary appeared to be holding some notebooks, as well as a pair of juice-stained envelopes. Only one of the items was useful to him, though. The envelopes were useless, and he couldn't make it through more than a paragraph of the other book. Some weird thing about wizards. He discarded the envelopes and _Complacency of the Learned_. The book landed on the floor, but the envelopes landed in the seed. The time capsule stored the seed, and, on account of some default setting, was programmed to bloom 413 million years from now. The capsule then readied a new seed.

DD approached another device near the large monitor. It was hooked up to an Appearifier, which was hooked up to a glass tube. A small screen displayed the red cross hairs of the Appearification target locked on Halley.

John stood in the ectobiology lab, next to Dr. Spengler, Rose, and Rose's Mom. It looked like **CG** was messaging him again.

**CG: OK, I GOT BACK TO YOU.**

**CG: ARE YOU HAPPY.**

**EB: sure, i guess.**

**CG: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET.**

**CG: BUT YOU ARE ABOUT TO START PASSING OUT BUNNIES LIKE THEY'RE CHEAP CIGARS.**

**CG: IT'S GOING TO BE AN EMBARRASSING DISPLAY.**

**EB: what are you talking about?**

**CG: YEAH, EXACTLY, NUMSKULL.**

**CG: LET'S JUST HAVE OUR CHAT, THEN IT CAN NATURALLY OCCUR TO YOU TO BE AN IDIOT IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME.**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: i was sort of mulling it over while looking at all these babies with guns and sitting on ponies and things...**

**EB: and how the reckoning takes them back.**

**EB: and how you said our reckoning starts sooner.**

**CG: YEAH.**

**EB: are you sure it has to start so soon? can't we delay it?**

**CG: HAHAHAHA.**

**CG: IT STARTS IN A FEW MINUTES STUPID.**

**CG: SEE THAT COUNTDOWN CLOCK OVER THERE?**

**CG: YOU AREN'T DELAYING ANYTHING.**

**EB: oh... dang!**

**EB: i guess i better get off this meteor then!**

**CG: WELL I MEAN IT DOESN'T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE.**

**CG: FIRST SOME SMALLER METEORS GO.**

**CG: THEN BIGGER ONES.**

**CG: SPREAD OUT OVER LIKE 24 HOURS OR SO.**

**CG: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE...**

**CG: GO TIME.**

**CG: WHEN IT STARTS.**

**CG: LIKE IT'S TIME TO HURRY UP AND STOP FUCKING AROUND AND KILL THE BOSS, GET IT?**

**CG: THE ROCK YOU'RE ON DOESN'T BLAST OFF RIGHT AWAY.**

**CG: TOO BAD, BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE SPARED YOU FROM MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF IN A COUPLE MINUTES, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, SPARED ME FROM HAVING TO WATCH.**

**EB: ok, well you keep saying how doomed we are and how all this bad stuff happens sooner, but you never say why!**

**EB: what happens in our game that's different from yours that makes things go so badly?**

**CG: JACK NOIR.  
****EB: who is jack noir?**

**CG: AN AGENT OF DERSE. **

**CG: WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER. **

**CG: HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE. **

**EB: so you didn't have him in your game?**

**CG: NO, WE DID. **

**CG: BUT HE WAS HARMLESS. **

**CG: ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF. **

**CG: HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER. **

**CG: AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET. **

**CG: HE'S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH. **

**CG: BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO. **

**CG: OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL. **

**EB: i see.**

**EB: so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble?**

**CG: NO, GOD. **

**CG: EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH. **

**CG: TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY. **

**CG: THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. **

**CG: WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY? **

**CG: NAME ONE. **

**EB: ummmm...**

**EB: crash bandicoot?**

**CG: OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT. **

**CG: SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. **

**CG: THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. **

**CG: BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. **

**CG: SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. **

**CG: OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. **

**CG: SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. **

**CG: OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. **

**CG: YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING... **

**EB: like an ace?**

**CG: SURE OK. **

**EB: ok, i think i get it.**

**EB: but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did?**

**CG: FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS. **

**CG: IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION. **

**CG: BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. **

**CG: THE WORST IS YET TO COME. **

**CG: FOR YOU. **

**EB: oh no!**

**EB: what is the worst thing?**

**CG: ALREADY TOLD YOU. **

**EB: dammit!**

**EB: oh, hey...**

Baby Rose had begun tugging on John's pants.

**EB: sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something.**

**CG: YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY. **

**EB: oh!**

**EB: oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect.**

**EB: a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect.**

**CG: PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES? **

**CG: OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES. **

**EB: it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer.**

**CG: FUCK. **

**EB: i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well.**

**CG: JUST... **

**CG: AUGH.**

The Lalonde ladies and Dr. Spengler watched as John pulled the oily con air bunny from his sylladex. He envisioned himself being Cameron Poe as he handed the bunny to the young Rose. Rose backed up a bit and shook her head, just like in the movie, but John gave it to her, tears welling in his eyes.

**CG **watched annoyedly on his computer. Just great. This was just what he needed. Another dumb movie reenactment.

Young Jade looked up at John innocently and the boy looked down at her cute little face. He couldn't bear it! He handed her the other bunny, the patchwork one Rose had given him for his birthday.

**CG **faceplanted his head into his computer and bonked himself on the head multiple times.

A badly drawn plane crashed down into the guitar logo of a Hard Rock Cafe while one of the mysterious arms coming from a blue portal floated in mid-air. The Con Air poster was different. Nick Cage was John Egbert. John Cusack was Dave Strider. They both wore grim expressions. Malkovich was **CG** with his gray skin and a derpy expression on his face. This was real. So real.

And thus Hussie ended Act 4 and proceeded to Act 5, the Homestuck epilogue… Psyche! Actually, it'll be another chapter or so.

Dave stood with on the toilet, hands covered in his own blood.

**GC: D4V3 WH4TS 1T SM3LL L1K3**

**TG: what**

**GC: YOUR BLOOD**

**TG: fuck off**

**GC: D4V3**

**GC: G1V3 1T 4 L1TTL3 T4ST3 FOR M3**

**GC: T3LL M3 WH4T HUM4N BLOOD T4ST3S L1K3**

**GC: 1V3 B33N SO CUR1OUS :]**

**TG: youre the annoying blind one arent you**

**GC: Y34H**

**TG: dave told me about you**

**GC: GOD**

**GC: TOO M4NY D4V3S**

**GC: 1TS L1K3 TH1S B1G 4SSHOL3 4ND COOL GUY P4RTY**

**GC: BUT SOM3ON3 FORGOT TO 1NV1T3 4LL TH3 COOL GUYS**

**GC: ;]**

**TG: man im telling you burns like that are unreal**

**TG: where do you even get a burn thats that sick**

**GC: I B3T YOU C4NT W41T TO B3 4 US3L3SS P13C3 OF SH1T 4LL D4Y 4ND F4LL DOWN 4LL TH3S3 BURNS**

**TG: no you messed that up**

**GC: D4V3 D4V3**

**GC: 1S TH1S YOU**

**GC: **** /PUR3D4V3**

**TG: uh**

**GC: PFF4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**

**TG: did you try to draw shades on his face and miss**

**TG: whats even the point hes already wearing shades**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: 1TS SO P3RF3CT TH4T 1S SO YOU**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H**

**TG: this is moronic**

**GC: D4V3 T3LL M3 WH4T YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS L1K3**

**GC: OR 1LL M4K3 4NOTH3R ON3**

**GC: 4ND 1 KNOW TH3S3 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS**

**GC: :D**

**TG: i dont know what it smells like or tastes like**

**TG: but i sure as hell know what it looks like**

**TG: like a fuckin symphony on my retinas**

**TG: shit is beautiful like a little vermilion picnic on my hands**

**TG: every day i open my eyes i find poetry in even the simplest things**

**TG: just one of those little joys in life you take for granted you know**

**TG: this miraculous gift of vision**

**GC: D4V3 D4V3**

**GC: CH3CK 1T OUT**

**GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT**

**GC: TH1S H4S GOT TO B3 YOU!**

**GC: **** /TH1S1SSOOOOD4V3**

**GC: 444444444H4H4HH4H4H4H44H444H4HH4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H33H3H3H3H34H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**TG: i could give myself a hernia trying to be as big a douche as that guy**

**TG: i could try but it would wind up like a motorcycle stunt gone horribly wrong**

**TG: my broken body would flop and tumble around like a rag doll**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4HH4H4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4H**

**GC: OH GOD 1 C4NT BR34TH3!**

**TG: and yet as much as that guys the tooliest dude i could ever hope to meet he and i would still get along famously**

**TG: cause we can both see**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H333H3H3H3H3H**

**GC: H4H4H44H4H4H**

**TG: just him and me**

**TG: havin a see party**

**TG: like a couple of eagle eyed bros peepin shit up into the wee hours**

**GC: D4V3**

**GC: C4N 1 COM3 TO YOUR S33 P4RTY?**

**TG: i guess but youll have to be careful not to stumble around bumping into all the gorgeous masterpieces hanging around everywhere**

**TG: god so beautiful to look at with my perfect eyesight**

**GC: C4N 1 L1CK TH3 P41NT1NGS?**

**TG: yeah thats fine**


	45. Book 3 Chapter 13: EOA4

Chapter 13: End of Act 4 (EOA4)

**\- adiosToreador ** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**AT: jADE, hI, iS YOUR ROBOT NEARBY,**

**GG: ummmmmm...**

**AT: wHERE YOU CAN TYPE, bECAUSE YOU ARE ASLEEP,**

**GG: oh! yes it appears so!**

**AT: oK, uHH, iN THAT CASE, aRE YOU HAVING A PLEASANT NAP,**

**GG: i guess! ive been pretty busy here**

**GG: ive had to stay asleep for a long time because john is supposed to wake up soon**

**GG: but he just wont wake up!**

**GG: im pretty sure im supposed to be the one to wake him but i dont know what to do :(**

**AT: uHHHHH,**

**GG: huh?**

**AT: oHH, sORRY,**

**AT: i WAS LOOKING TO SEE IF i COULD SEE HIM BE AWAKE IN THE FUTURE,**

**AT: bUT i CANT SEE IN HIS DREAMS, oR ANYTHING,**

**GG: oh...**

**GG: well thanks for trying anyway!**

**AT: bUT YOU WILL WAKE UP SOON, iT LOOKS LIKE,**

**AT: sO MAYBE THIS MEANS YOU HAVE SUCCESS,**

**GG: i hope so!**

**GG: what am i doing when i wake up?**

**AT: oH, gOODNESS, tHERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON, aND THERE IS A LOT OF TROUBLE THAT YOU ARE IN,**

**GG: oh no!**

**AT: bUT, wHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS, iS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME ANYWAY,**

**AT: tHIS IS YOUR LAST DAY,**

**AT: bEFORE YOU MAKE THE RIFT,**

**AT: aND THEN i CAN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THAT, aNYMORE,**

**AT: wHICH IS OK, wITH ME, bECAUSE, tO BE HONEST,**

**AT: sEEING YOUR WHOLE BIG CONFUSING FUTURE AND PAST IS, kIND OF OVERWHELMING,**

**GG: yes i know what you mean...**

**AT: iTS SO COMPLICATED, aND, i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT i SHOULD BE ACCOMPLISHING,**

**AT: i THINK,**

**AT: uSING THESE GADGETS AND THINGS, aND MY TIME LINE ADVANTAGES, tO PLAY PRANKS ON YOU,**

**GG: that sounds like it would be fun!**

**GG: but you guys never even played pranks on me, you were always just kinda mean D:**

**AT: sORRY, }:(**

**AT: i THINK,**

**AT: tHE IDIOTIC THING ABOUT TROLLIAN IS,**

**AT: iF YOU USE IT TO TROLL PEOPLE, i THINK YOU ARE JUST AS LIKELY TO GET TROLLED YOURSELF,**

**AT: mAYBE EVEN MORE BADLY,**

**AT: wHICH i THINK IS WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, jUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,**

**GG: well i know i havent trolled you guys!**

**GG: or not yet...**

**GG: heheheh**

**AT: nO,**

**AT: bUT YOU SORT OF ARE,**

**AT: mY FRIEND IS GOING CRAZY, hE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU,**

**AT: hE LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, a LONG TIME AGO ON YOUR TIME LINE,**

**AT: tO TALK TO HIM, wHEN YOUR ROBOT BLOWS UP,**

**GG: oh yeah!**

**GG: i totally forgot about that**

**GG: does it really blow up or was that another trick?**

**AT: uHHHH,**

**AT: i DON'T KNOW, i CAN'T SEE IT BLOW UP IN YOUR FUTURE,**

**AT: nOT ON SCREEN,**

**AT: i MEAN,**

**AT: tHERE ARE LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS, aLL THE TIME, aNYWAY,**

**AT: tOO MANY EXPLOSIONS,**

**GG: hmmmmm**

**GG: you could ask me in the future!**

**AT: oK, i WILL ASK,**

**AT: oK,**

**AT: yOU SAID, yES, iT DID BLOW UP, aND YOU TALKED TO HIM,**

**AT: aND, uHHH,**

**AT: tHEN YOU SAID HE WAS ACTUALLY A PRETTY NICE GUY, wHICH i THOUGHT WAS WEIRD,**

**GG: is he not a nice guy?**

**AT: nOT, rEALLY,**

**GG: hmmm...**

**GG: well maybe hes just been through some tough times**

**GG: maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt?**

**AT: uHHHH,**

**GG: for whatever its worth i think youre a pretty nice guy too!**

**AT: oKAY, tHANK YOU,**

**GG: also you seem to be the only one who ever thinks to talk to me while im asleep!**

**GG: why is that?**

**AT: oH, i GUESS,**

**AT: tHAT IT MAKES SENSE,**

**AT: bECAUSE YOU HAVE A ROBOT, tO LET YOU SAY THINGS THAT HAPPEN, oN PROSPIT,**

**AT: aND i'M CURIOUS,**

**AT: bECAUSE THE ONLY TIME i EVER HAD FUN PLAYING THIS GAME WAS WHEN i WAS ASLEEP,**

**AT: bUT NOW ALL OUR DREAM SELVES ARE DEAD,**

**AT: }:'(**

**GG: oh no!**

**GG: dream selves can die?**

**AT: yEAH,**

**GG: i never knew that**

**GG: or even thought about it...**

**GG: i guess it makes sense though**

**AT: uHH, yEAH,**

**AT: sO ENJOY YOUR NAP,**

**AT: wHILE IT LASTS,**

**AT: bYE,**

**AT** envisioned himself leaping through the skies of Prospit again, like he had before his dream self had died. Those had been the days.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Hello Again**

**GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time**

**GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be**

**TT: Pardon?**

**GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time**

**GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose**

**TT: I'm a little busy.**

**GA: It Sounds Like You Are Attempting To Be The Smart Rose This Time**

**GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting**

**GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That**

**GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She**

**TT: That sounds about right.**

**GA: Whereas Dumb Rose Doesn't Capitalize Letters Even When Discussing The Proper Names Of Human Monsters In Earth Cinema**

**GA: I Think You Should Establish A Greater Commitment To A Single Roleplaying Scenario**

**TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation.**

**TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all.**

**TT: Imagine my disappointment.**

**TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on.**

**GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything**

**GA: What Are You Talking About**

**TT: I'd love to explain in detail and cause some sort of time paradox.**

**TT: But you see - and this revelation may be as startling as any -**

**TT: I'm a little busy.**

**GA: I Believe I Understand**

**GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation**

**GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet**

**TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn.**

**TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding.**

**TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose.**

**TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned?**

**TT: I'm busy.**

**TT: Goodbye.**

**GA: Fine**

**GC: D4V3 D4V3**

**GC: 1 F1N4LLY GOT 1T**

**TG: oh hell**

**GC: 1 F1N4LLY F1GUR3D 1T OUT**

**GC: ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL**

**GC: TH1S 1S YOU!**

**GC: **** /D4V34NDBRO43V3R**

**GC: FFFF444444444444H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**TG: that**

**TG: ok thats pretty amazing**

**GC: 4H4H4H4H4H4H44H4H4H4H4**

**GC: OH GOD 1T 1S SO P3RF3CT**

**GC: JUST 4 COOL DUD3 4ND H1S BRO R1GHT TH3R3**

**GC: 4DV3NTUR1NG THROUGH T1M3**

**GC: 4ND PL4Y1NG P1NB4LL**

**GC: 1N BRO H34V3N TOG3TH3R**

**GC: T3LL M3 TH4T 1SNT SO FUCK1NG P3RF3CT**

**GC: 8]**

**TG: hey speaking of which**

**TG: where is my bro anyway**

**TG: havent seen him at all since i got here**

**TG: davesprite doesnt know**

**TG: you can see everything that goes on right**

**TG: or like smell it or whatever**

**TG: how does that even work**

**TG: how do you use a computer and know whats going on it doesnt make sense**

**TG: my face doesnt make sense**

**GC: D4V3 YOUR *F4C3* DO3SNT M4K3 ...**

**GC: D4MM1T**

**TG: hahaha**

**GC: BUT 4CTU4LLY YOUR F4C3 *DO3S* M4K3 S3NS3**

**GC: TO MY NOS3**

**GC: 4ND MY TONGU3 :P**

**TG: ew**

**GC: 1M SORRY D4V3 TH4T YOU W1LL N3V3R 3XP3R13NC3 TH3 S3NSORY BOUQU3T TH4T 1 3NJOY 3V3RY D4Y**

**GC: TH4T 1 3NSCONC3 MYS3LF 1N L1K3 4 W4RM 4ND COMFY B4THROB3 M4D3 OF FL4VOR 4ND M3LODY**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: so the dumbest and most far fetched explanation imaginable ok got it**

**GC: 4NYW4Y 1 DONT KNOW WH3R3 YOUR BRO 1S**

**GC: 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N T3LL YOU N3V3R S33 H1M 4G41N B3TW33N NOW 4ND TH3 R1FT**

**GC: TOO B4D H3 WONT BE 4ROUND TO B41L YOU OUT 4G41N L1K3 H3 D1D WH3N YOU 3NT3R3D!**

**TG: man dont remind me about that**

**TG: so embarrassing**

**GC: 1TS OK 1 WONT T3LL JOHN 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: 1 KNOW TH4TS WH4T YOUR3 WORR13D 4BOUT**

**TG: ok cool**

**GC: BUT LOOK YOU DONT N33D TO B3 UPS3T 4BOUT NOT H4V1NG YOUR BRO TO L34N ON 4NYMOR3**

**TG: whos upset**

**TG: bout time the dude gave me a little space**

**GC: BLUH OK WH4T3V3R YOU S4Y BUT TH4TS NOT TH3 PO1NT**

**GC: TH3 PO1NT 1S 1 W1LL H3LP YOU 1NST34D D4V3**

**GC: 1S TH4T COOL :]**

**TG: i guess**

**GC: 1 KNOW 3V3RYTH1NG TH4TS GO1NG TO H4PP3N TO YOU**

**GC: 1 C4N T3LL YOU B3FOR3 1T H4PP3NS**

**GC: SO YOU C4N B3 R34DY**

**GC: 4ND NOT H4V3 TO GO B4CK 1N T1M3 4ND G3T K1LL3D 4LL TH3 T1M3**

**GC: 4ND ST4ND ON 4 TO1L3T LOOK1NG 4T YOUR OWN BLOOD FOR T3N M1NUT3S**

**TG: alright so whats next**

**GC: F1RST YOU GO THROUGH TH3 G4T3**

**GC: 4ND WH3N YOU GO THROUGH YOU W1LL GO TO 4NOTHER PL4C3 1N YOUR W1LD CH3RRY L4V4 L4ND**

**GC: 4ND YOU W1LL QU1CKLY M33T SOM3 FR13NDLY CROCOD1L3S**

**GC: TH3Y W1LL TRY TO 34T YOU**

**GC: BUT TH4T 1S JUST TH31R W4Y OF B31NG FR13NDLY!**

**GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 SC4R3D**

**TG: why would i be scared**

**GC: D4V3 PL34S3**

**GC: YOU 4R3 CRY1NG L1K3 4 L1TTL3 BOY**

**GC: 1TS 1S H4PP3N1NG R1GHT H3R3 1N FRONT OF MY NOS3**

**GC: YOUR T34RS T4ST3 D3L1C1OUS**

**GC: K1ND OF L1K3**

**GC: L1K3 SOM3TH1NG YOU WOULDNT KNOW 4BOUT**

**GC: 4 TROLL D3L1C4CY C4LL3D COTTON C4NDY**

**TG: we have cotton candy dumpass**

**GC: 8O**

Dave struggled to climb to the top of the spire on his rooftop. He finally made it with seconds to go before the meteor touched down. He had to enter the Medium soon. He reached for the egg, but his bird sprite thing pecked at him and knocked him off the spire altogether. Most of the items that had made up the nest tumbled down with him. And so did the egg.

But there was someone else present. Bro Strider stood on top of the meteor, wielding his unbreakable katana. He slashed the meteor into two halves and the halves went sailing off into the distance. Dave landed on Bro's rocket board and managed to grab the egg before the explosion knocked him into oblivion. That was when he had entered the Medium.

Now he held the Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete and looked up towards the gate floating above his house. Giclopses and basilisks surrounded the area. He had to go up there. He was ready. He gripped the sword tighter in his hand.

In the meantime, on Grandpa Harley's starship, John's Dad and Rose's Mom stood side by side, holding hands and looking out towards Skaia. Rose's Mom held a gun. John's Dad held a cake. They were ready to descend.

Jack Noir walked across the Battlefield and raised his sword against the giant carapacian army. Finally all of the small carapacian foot soldiers lay dead. The Warweary Villein stepped back in shock and accidentally slid down the hill he'd been standing on, landing in front of Jack. Jack didn't notice him in particular, however.

The Archagent raised his ringed hand and large stringy red strands came from it. The Red Miles. He slew a lumbering white warrior, a bishop perhaps, and then a black rook.

John stood in the ectobiology lab, overseeing the eight kids. A countdown to The Reckoning showed only seconds to go. And suddenly, all the kids were transportalized onto random meteors throughout The Veil.

In the present, the Battlefield crumbled to pieces as the Red Miles pervaded the entire area, smashing the ground and destroying flying ships, purple and yellow alike. Five carapacians stood on foot before him with guns, but Jack slew them all.

And then the Courtyard Droll appeared with the White King's staff. He raised it into the air and began The Reckoning. Meteors began to rain on Skaia.

Elsewhere, the Draconian Dignitary inserted MEOW into a slot in the ectobiology machine. He pressed the large blue button and a paradox clone of Halley was created, but this time infused with green, crackling energy. The Authority Regulator watched this in surprise.

And then, suddenly, the newly born Becquerel shifted the narrative to Jade.

Jade was still in bed when The Reckoning began. Her dream self floated up the long ramp to her tower on Prospit's moon when she saw the meteors beginning to rain down on Skaia.

Somewhere else on Prospit, the Queen and a few of her loyal followers watched as a Prospitian eclipse began.

A shadow flew over the golden planet. Jack Noir. The black carapacian used his Red Miles to attack Prospit, killing hundreds of innocent carapacians. But Jack wasn't done with the ruined, bloody planet just yet. He slashed through the chain that connected Prospit's moon to the planet itself, sending the moon tumbling down straight into Skaia's gravitational field.

Jack proceeded to the Land of Heat and Clockwork to where Bro Strider stood on the center of a large rotating disk plateau. He landed across from the boy and they began to strife, Bro with his unbreakable katana and Jack with his Regisword.

But instead of stabbing Jack with the katana, Bro Strider stuck it in the disk, creating a large crack in the plateau.

Suddenly, Becquerel shifted the narrative to a random video game.

Squiddles! The Video Game! The squiddles flew around, fighting their mortal enemy, Skipper Plumbthroat (in the show he eventually won and killed all of the Squiddles and in the movie he killed off all the unicorns). All of the squiddles congregated onto him and he…

Becquerel's silhouette appeared and shifted the narrative again.

Prospit's moon fell apart as it entered the Skaian atmosphere, burning up. Dream John was dumped out of his tower along with an imp doll and his bedsheet.

Dream Jade leaped out of her tower towards the falling John. He was still asleep. The moon got closer and closer to the destroyed Battlefield as Jade shook the sleeping John. She smacked him back and forth across the face. The moon got closer to the planet. Frustrated and out of options, Jade pushed John out of the way and watched as the moon got closer and closer to her.

Back on Hellmurder Island, Jade's dreambot stood on the roof of her side tower. It started to go haywire and finally exploded, launching Jade, some squiddle plushies, and a couple of manthro chaps out of her room.

Finally, John woke up and looked at the giant crater in the side of Skaia that the moon had produced. As he watched, a bunch of green spirographic gates popped up all around the planet. All of the meteors, some of which had the ectobiological children on them, were sucked into the gates and dispersed into random times throughout the past. One of the meteors brought Nannaquin to Colonel Sassacre's house. Another one smashed into a craggy landscape, creating a crater in an island. Jade's island. In a sense, The Reckoning had actually caused _itself_ to happen in the first place.

Becquerel changed the scene again.

Rose stabbed an ogre through the skull and climbed to the top of her house. So had Dave made it to the top. They both leaped through at the same time.

Sometime in the past, one of the meteors from The Reckoning smashed down into John's house. The End.

==================================================================================  
[ZZZZ] Rose: Egress.

This is my final entry.

My co-players and I have made every earnest attempt, with occasional relapse, to  
play this game the right way. I have been meticulous in documenting the process to  
help our peers and successors through the trials should we fail. In my hubris I  
believed these classes were relegated to the Earth-bound, but in even this quaint  
supposition I was in error. Our otherworldly antagonists have assured us of our  
inevitable failure repeatedly, while the gods whisper corroboration in my sleep. I  
believe them now.

I just blew up my first gate. I'm not sure why I did it, really.

I am not playing by the rules anymore. I will fly around this candy-coated rock and  
comb the white sand until I find answers. No one can tell me our fate can't be  
repaired. We've come too far. I jumped out of the way of a burning fucking tree,  
for God's sake.

I have used a spell to rip this walkthrough from Earth's decaying networks, and  
sealed it in one of the servers floating in the Furthest Ring. The gods may  
disperse the signal throughout the cosmos as they wish. Perhaps it will be of use  
to past or future species who like us have been ensnared by Skaia's malevolent  
tendrils.

In case it wasn't clear, magic is real.

Pardon my egress. You're on your own now.

-RL

Beneath the page, the website degraded into an image of the Furthest Ring. Some kind of remote control with the crescent moon symbol of Derse sat at the very bottom of the page.

Hours in the future, the warweary called another planet home, another cloth his garb. He stood on the demolished earth, wrapped in some mysterious bed sheets that had fallen from Prospit's moon when it had fallen. Land and rags fit for the wayward. A villein became a vagabond.

The recent past was recalled… a Battlefield. Blood and dead bodies surround WV, covering the chessboard ground. An accursed mascot, an imp doll, was located among fallen brethren. Its visage, reviled.

He ripped the doll apart in disgust. John's bed sheet, a rag of souls, drifted from the heavens above. It's owner, to WV, a mystery.

A boy wearing golden attire stood on the Battlefield. He'd found a dead friend. Her ring, recovered.

The boy saw himself in the future in one of the clouds. His destination, revealed.

Hours in the future, a mistress became a mendicant. She stood on the ruined planet known as Earth.

The recent past was recalled… a Battlefield. She'd slain HB with her regisword. A communication device was borrowed. A rendezvous with Noir, arranged.

The Sovereign Slayer had been summoned. PM held up the crowns. The collateral, presented.

SS snapped his fingers and the Courtyard Droll was beckoned. The bargain, honored.

The boy discovered his destination, the Prospitian castle. PM held up Jade's package. His courier's path, crossed.

The mail was delivered. An obligation, satisfied.

They boy sat against one of the Battlefield's endless but now destroyed hills. The package was opened. Letters, read.

**John! **

**From what i heartell youve been through a bit of an adventure by the time youre reading this. Thats so great. I love adventure and i would bet my bottom boonbuck you do too. I think we are birds of a feather john. I am pretty eager to meet you. Oh yeah i should have mentioned we are going to meet some day. I hear you like movies is that right john? I love movies too. Have you ever seen weekend at bernies? So friggin hilarious. Its hard to talk to jade about movies because she doesnt really know about movies but im sure you know that. Boooring. Ha ha just kidding jade you know i love you and i think youre a blast. **

**Okay speaking of jade we spent quite a long time working on this present for you. It was a big team effort. Okay i had to do quite a lot of arm twisting to get her to go along with helping me make such an oddball present for you and so well in advance. But i had my arm sort of twisted myself to get this going in the first place. But then she came around to the idea because she can see the future! Pretty amazing if you ask me. Itll all be clear later. Gadzooks with all this arm twisting ive been getting a good workout. We should wrestle when we meet john. I love to wrestle but i dont get a chance to wrestle with anyone that much. Do you like to get into fisticuffs john? Scrums and what not? Me too. **

**Anyway you should listen to jade from here on out john because she sure seems to know whats best for you. Whatever your adventure throws at you im sure shell tell you you can handle it. She believes in you.**

**Oh kicking christ in a dirty diaper i almost forgot to mention whats in this box. Sorry this shits so small. Contents:**

**-Royal Deringer**

**-Quills of Echidna**

**-Ahab's Crosshairs**

**-Warhammer of Zillyhoo**

**I hope you...**

John stopped reading and looked at the other letter. This one was by a different author…

**dear john, **

**happy birthday! :D **

**even though its super late and you probably went through a lot of trouble to get it, i really hope this present cheers you up! you looked so sad while you were reading my letter. um... which is to say, the one you are reading now. i can explain! **

**you see, when i go to sleep, in my dreams i wake up on the moon of a planet called prospit. by now you must know about this place! i have lived there in my dreams most of my life and i made so many friends there over the years. and you were there too! but you were asleep. the fact that you are awake now i think means all my friends are in trouble. you are awake because it is your job to help them. we will both help them! **

**but ummm... i know these things because while i was on the moon, whenever it passed through skaia i could see lots of things in the clouds. the past, the future, stuff about our friends, and stuff about you! now that you are awake, and apparently at the center of skaia (? WOW!) you should be able to see stuff in the clouds too. maybe you already have! **

**about this present! my penpal helped me work on it. he included a letter too! hes really funny and silly, i like him a lot and i think you would too. it took a long time between the two of us. and sure the present looks like a fun and completely ridiculous thing to get, but it is also really important! you are getting it exactly when you need it most. maybe thats hard to believe but its true! i saw it happen already. i dont see everything john, and i definitely dont know everything thats going to happen. but when i do know something, i always try to do my best to help people in the future! when im supposed to that is. youll get the hang of it. **

**john i am REALLY looking forward to seeing you when you wake up! its been nice playing with my prospitian friends and all, but also kind of lonely knowing you were in the other tower sleeping and having lousy dreams. :( im not sure where i am when you are reading this but im sure ill make it down to where you are soon! (jeez how did you get down there? oh well ill find out) i cant wait to fly around the moon with you and show you all my favorite places. itll be so much fun! :D **

**3 **

**jade**

A tear dropped from John's eye as he realized that nothing in the second paragraph would ever happen now that Dream Jade was dead.

Suddenly, a sword appeared at his head. The boy's grief interrupted. His ring, sought.

But a bunny climbed out of the box. It was a robotic masterpiece, complete with different colored eyes, one green and the other red, and Jade's blue atom logo on its metal chestplate. It wielded four weapons. The toy had turned on Jack. It had a new master now. The tactician, a misstep.

Check, but hopefully for Jack, not mate.

Hours in the future, a regulator became a renegade, wrapping himself up in caution tape.

The recent past was recalled. A temple was fled. And soon, revisited.

A nearby laboratory was where AR flew to on the rocket board next. Its satellites, dispatched.

Inside the laboratory, a sleeping boy in a junior ectobiologist suit was found. Rumbling began, ominous.

The lab was in flight. Its exits, inoperative.

AR strapped John to the rocket board with caution tape. A citizen's safety, secured.

The bunny watched as Jack disappeared into the sky and Grandpa Harley appeared in it. A tyrant was retreating. A battleship, landing.

Grandpa Harley stepped off the ship and picked up his dead granddaughter from the wreckage of Prospit's moon. Rose's Mom and John's Dad stepped off as well and waved goodbye as Grandpa Harley took off in the battleship with his daughter in his arms. A grandfather mourned. He filled her with stuffing and put her on a plaque. A family tradition, honored.

A Prospitian battleship left the ruined planet behind. A queen mourned. A kingdom, bid farewell.

Hours into the future, her journey through the windswept had to be walked alone. Her entourage, bid farewell.

A queen became a questant.

And then, years later, the Windswept Questant came upon two halves of an egg-loking thign [sic] in the desert sands. A key was employed. A command station, repaired.

The four Exiles and Serenity stood in Exile Town. WV reached under the rope binding his trusty knife to the yard stick and produced a ring.

The firefly blinked her swirl on and off, producing the morse code for "Oh my."

Dream John looked up at the passing cloud that displayed an image of WV holding the ring.

"Oh my," he said himself, looking down at the one he held in his own hand. He and the bunny began to pack up before stopping in their tracks. There was another cloud. Inside it sat the main tower of Jade's house. And inside, a dark laboratory, unused for years.

And inside there, a fourth wall, pilfered from a bureaucrat's office and absconded with long ago. It wasn't turned on, but if it were, this would be exactly what we saw.


	46. Book 3 Chapter 14: Recap Two

Chapter 14: Recap Two

Andrew Hussie banged and tapped on his keyboard. It was time for another recap.

**Picking up from where we left off... **

**I typed a really long recap. Then some other stuff happened. **

**GC (gallowsCalibrator) helped John fly to the second gate, which took him to Rose's world, LOLAR. He crashed into Rose's room, where he found her asleep. He snooped through her room, and Dave tricked him into giving him the code to duplicate Rose's writing journals. John opened the package Rose made for his birthday. It contained the bunny from Con Air, the same one John got from Dave, but older and dirtier, and modified with Rose's knitting. She'd had the bunny since she was very young. **

**John leaves Casey the salamander (Bubbles Viceroy Von Salamancer) in the room. He briefly speaks with GA (grimAuxiliatrix) from Rose's computer, and pretends to be Rose. She believes he is, triggering a convoluted series of conversations between her and the real Rose in both the past and future, in no particular order. GA gets help with her computer from TA (twinArmageddons) in time to see Rose at her computer, having woken up. **

**Before she woke up, Dream Rose was awake on Derse's moon. She now had memories from her future self's doomed alternate reality. She flew to Dream Dave's tower, and got his attention with a ball of yarn, causing real Dave to fall asleep. They had a dream dance party. Dream Rose threw Dream Cal out the window. Bro's rocket board caught Dream Cal. AR? followed the board and Cal to a transportalizer on Derse, which lead to a meteor lab in the veil. **

**Meanwhile on LOLAR, Rose's mom defeated a huge monster. The pony, Maplehoof, followed her and collected the grist windfall. Both mom and the pony then transported to the meteor lab. John's dad found a clean hat John had deposited into a parcel pyxis. Dad followed Jade's grandpa, who was carrying John's Sassacre book, into some ruins. They both transported to the meteor lab too. Meanwhile, John used the grist collected by the pony to make a normal sized version of a giant hammer, Fear No Anvil, which Davesprite gave him the code for. Dream Rose saw John on Dream Dave's computer, and woke up. She went out to see him, but he had already blasted off. He took the mutant kitten, Vodka Mutini (Doctor Meowgon Spengler), with him. **

**John found the ruins that mom and the pony went into. He went in and killed some powerful monsters with his new hammer. He transported to the meteor lab as well. **

**In the lab he found no one, except the pony. Some other stray items were on the floor. Dad's dirty hat, the Sassacre book, Dream Cal. He found some apparatus used to genetically engineer footsoldiers and agents for the white and black armies from chess piece DNA. He also found a junior ectobiologist's lab suit, and a series of terminals much like those the exiles would find in the far future. He would use this apparatus to create paradox clones of himself, his friends, and their guardians. **

**Meanwhile AR? surfed bro's rocket board to a different meteor containing the frog temple that would later root itself near Jade's island. Inside he found the same time capsule she would find later. He also found some more lab equipment used for ectobiology. This equipment would soon be used to create Becquerel, a mutated combination of the genes from an ordinary dog in the early 20th century, and the DNA code in one of Rose's journals. AR? hides in the lab when he hears one of Jack's henchmen, the Draconian Dignitary. DD is carrying Rose's duplicated journals which he stole from Dave, and Dave's beta which was used as a bookmark. He discards the beta into the time capsule. Millions of years later (from the capsule's perspective) Jade would retrieve that beta and use it to connect with Dave, allowing him to enter the medium. **

**Dave created the journal duplicates after an extensive alchemy binge. Rose too had a similar alchemy session, and both kids upgraded their weapons and gear. Rose made a pair of needlewands, crossed with her grimoire, and took up the art of dark magic. She used this magic to burn her journal, thus destroying the genetic code. She was advised to do so by the gods of the Furthest Ring, whom she was now able to communicate with in her dreams. The gods live far beyond the veil, and advise the children of the moon of Derse, and serve as the counterpart to the role Skaia plays for the children of Prospit's moon. They deemed the code which would inevitably be used to create Becquerel to be dangerous. **

**Dave decided to destroy his copy too. But when he went back to his room, he discovered they were stolen. He also found his own dead body, which apparently was him from the very near future attempting to go back in time and stop the thief, DD. Dave decided not to attempt any more time travel, and disposed of the body. GC (gallowsCalibrator) discussed the matter with him, and pledged to help him by telling him his future along the way, so that he would not have to face the death of more future selves, or suffer the sort of embarrassment he went through while entering the medium. **

**Previously unseen, the way Dave entered the medium was as follows. As the large meteor was bearing down on his city, Dave climbed the radio tower on top of his building with his broken sword in hand to reach the nest built by the Crowsprite. The sprite guarded the egg, which unknown to Dave, simply needed time to hatch before he could enter. The sprite pecked his head and he fell. He was saved by bro's rocket board. Meanwhile, bro was on top of the meteor, riding it as it descended. He used his sword to chop it in half, splitting it into two pieces, diverting the initial impact from their building to two separate impact sites. He thus bought a little more time for the egg to hatch, which it did, just before their location was consumed by the blasts. **

**On Prospit's moon, PM? prepared to depart for the Battlefield at the center of Skaia, to seek the king's counsel on what to do with the queen's ring. She was tailed by another of Noir's lackeys, the Courtyard Droll. CD picked her pocket and stole the ring. PM? departed via shuttle to Skaia. Dream Jade then clobbered CD, and recovered the ring. She tried it on, but its power has no effect on humans. Later, CD would travel to the Battlefield and continue tailing PM?. **

**The Battlefield is a planet at the center of Skaia. It undergoes a transformation with each player that enters the medium, and each new prototyped kernel introduced. It starts as a simple 3x3 chessboard with two kings in perpetual stalemate, and expands to a larger board and more exotic collection of pieces with the first player entering. Then it become a much larger cube with the second player. And then an even larger sphere, with oceans, trees, mountains and pastures with the third. It presumably will transform again with the fourth. **

**The armies of the black and white kingdoms duel there. Soldiers are airlifted from meteor facilities in the veil to supply the manpower. Enormous mutant chess-like monsters stalk the landscape. The two kings command their armies from the field. They each have a scepter that serves a similar purpose to the queens' rings. When activated, a scepter causes a king to be a giant, and bear the properties of all the prototypings. A king is able to deactivate a scepter, to hand it off to another so that they will not be affected in that way. When the black king captures the white king's scepter, the Reckoning begins. The Reckoning sends all the meteors in the veil toward Skaia, in stages. First the small ones, then gradually, the bigger ones, over a 24 hour period. **

**There was a Warweary Villein on the Battlefield who was a simple farmer and was tired of the conflict. WV united a band of soldiers from both armies to lead a rebellion against the black king. Before they could attack the king, Jack Noir, now empowered by the black queen's ring, intercepted the coup. He destroyed the king's scepter, and killed the king. Jack then killed the entire rebellion army, sparing only WV. Perhaps to leave a survivor to tell the story, or perhaps out of respect for a fellow mutineer. Only he knows. Meanwhile, PM? met with the white king. He disabled his scepter, and gave it to her along with his crown. PM? now had the crowns of the white king and queen, and the white scepter, but discovered she had misplaced the white queen's ring. Jack's muscle, the Hegemonic Brute, had been tailing the white king. HB then followed PM?, and attacked her. She dropped the scepter off a cliff. She would regroup and chop off HB's head with the regisword Jack gave her to kill the white monarchs. CD, who had been tailing both of them, recovered the white scepter, and delivered it to Jack. Jack used it to initiate the Reckoning, and would proceed to go on a more extensive rampage, devastating the Battlefield and Prospit. **

**Back in the meteor lab, John began the ectobiology session which appeared to have been prepared for him in advance by the guardians who had just been there. The four monitors were all locked onto the kids' guardians at certain points in time, each on the day of one of the kid's "birth". On Jade's birthday, nanna was locked onto in John's neighborhood, by the Betty Crocker factory. The meteor carrying baby Jade crashed into the factory and destroyed it. Her grandpa, the owner of that factory, would adopt her. John's dad witnessed, and would spend years investigating. On Dave's birthday, grandpa was locked onto while he was on his yacht, pioneering the island for the first time. He was sailing with baby Jade. Overhead, there was the meteor carrying baby Dave, which would crash into bro's favorite record shop. On Rose's birthday, bro was locked onto as he stood over the crater where he would find baby Dave. He would give him a tiny pair of pointy shades. Overhead, there was a meteor carrying baby Rose, which would land in a lake and destroy it. Rose's mom would retrieve and adopt her. Months later, on John's birthday, mom would bring Rose to John's neighborhood to investigate the destruction of grandpa's factory, and related stellar phenomena. The target was locked on her. Dad came out of the family joke shop to greet her, leaving nanna inside. The meteor carrying baby John destroyed the shop, killing nanna. Dad would adopt John, and Rose's mom disappeared. Dad retrieved her scarf, and filed the clue away for his ongoing investigation. **

**John attempted (unwittingly) to appearify all four guardians. But since removing them from those moments would have caused a paradox, he instead paradoxified their ghost slime imprints. This slime was collected into two pairs of containers. One pair collected nanna and granpa's slime. The other pair collected mom and bro's. The device then created baby paradox clones of the four guardians. These babies would then later be sent back in time to become those guardians themselves. **

**Once those four clones were created, another sequence activated. The two pairs of slime tubes emptied into vats below. The nanna/grandpa slime mixed together, and separately, the mom/bro slime mixed together as well. An additional four paradox clones were created from those two slime concoctions. Baby John and Jade were created from the nanna/grandpa slime. Baby Rose and Dave were created from the mom/bro slime. These four babies would also go back in time to become the four kids, via meteors, in the sequence and on the dates listed above. **

**All eight babies would each ride their own meteors, launched from the veil after Jack started the Reckoning, and into the defense portals deployed by Skaia to protect itself. The defense portals each lead to Earth, as Skaia defends itself, in a way, by sacrificing Earth. While most meteors are sent to the time period when the kids begin the game, many lead to a number of different time periods. Some thirteen years prior to the game (used by the kids), some nearly a century prior (used by nanna and grandpa), some millions of years ago (used, eventually, by the frog temple meteor), and some to the far future (used by the exiles). **

**And all eight of them would travel with an object or animal. John with his Sassacre book, which would become the much older-looking family heirloom stored in dad's safe, with Nannasprite's inscription to John on it. Rose with the dirty bunny Dave gave John for his birthday. Dave with the pony, Maplehoof. Jade with the knit-repaired bunny Rose got John for his birthday, which Rose cherished since "birth". Nanna with dad's dirty hat. Mom with Mutini (Meowgon). Grandpa with two flintlock pistols which older Grandpa left behind for him in the lab (which would eventually both wind up in Jade's room). And bro with Dream Cal, which would later be fitted with a new personalized shirt, and would become real Cal, the same doll that would haunt Dave's waking life, and consequently, his dreams. **

**All of these babies and their items would automatically be transported to their own meteors at the onset of the Reckoning. John made absolutely sure to give baby Rose and Jade their bunnies when he saw an opportunity to reenact a scene from one of his favorite movies, much to the dismay of a watching CG (carcinoGeneticist). **

**While AR? was in the frog temple lab, he would see more of young nanna and grandpa's story. On 4/13, 1910, exactly 99 years prior to John's "birth", baby nanna's meteor destroyed a bakery owned by Betty Crocker. Nanna was adopted by Crocker's husband, Colonel Sassacre, and taken to live in his mansion. 8 days later, grandpa's meteor destroyed the dog house belonging to Sassacre's dog, Halley. Halley was elsewhere, and was unharmed. When Sassacre and nanna went to investigate the crater, Sassacre was shot and killed accidentally with one of grandpa's pistols. Halley then showed up (who young grandpa would tend to pronounce "Harley" due to his speech impediment), and would largely serve as their guardian for the next 13 years, with presumably some parental influence from the wicked Crocker. On his 13th birthday, grandpa would run off with Harley to find adventure. Nanna would stay behind, contend with the batterwitch, and master the art of baking as well as take up her deceased grandfather's tradition of pranksterism. **

**Harley was locked onto by the frog temple's equipment. DD activated the device, and produced a paradox clone of Harley combined with the controversial MEOW code to create puppy Bec. The spectacle terrified AR?, leaving a major impression on him. He would recognize Bec's silhouette carved on WV's pumpkin years later. The pumpkin commanded his fear, and caused him to surrender. **

**Meanwhile, the grown-up versions of mom and dad were on board a flying battleship belonging to grandpa, who piloted it toward Skaia. Dad gave mom her long discarded scarf, from the day he lost his mother and found his son. The two guardians traded gestures of affection. **

**Jade remained asleep through it all, trying to stay on the moon as long as she could until she figured out how to wake John up. She talked about this with AT (adiosToreador), who revealed he preferred his dream life on Prospit more than any aspect of the game, and regretted all the trolls' dream selves were now dead. Jade expressed surprise at the notion of dream self mortality. **

**After Jack used the full power of the ring to devastate the battlefield and the two armies, he turned his attention on Prospit, inflicting severe damage the same way. He then cut the chain connecting the moon to Prospit, sending the moon plummeting through the atmosphere of Skaia, and breaking up in the process. Dream John, still asleep, fell out of his tower and drifted down ahead of the falling moon. Dream Jade flew to intercept him, and spent a moment attempting to wake him before the moon's collision was imminent. At the last minute she flung Dream John out of the blast radius, but was not able to clear the blast herself. She died. **

**The blast left a massive crater on the Battlefield. This was the first thing Dream John saw when he woke up. **

**The death of Dream Jade caused her dreambot to malfunction and explode, destroying her room. Still asleep, Jade fell from her tower as Bec watched from a distance, and an enormous meteor loomed overhead. **

**Elsewhere, on Dave's world LOHAC, bro dueled with Jack briefly. It was a stalemate, until bro plunged his sword into the large floating record platform they were fighting on. This released a mysterious energy from the cracks. Bro escaped. **

**Rose completed her final GameFAQS walkthrough entry, and used magic to seal it in a server in the Furthest Ring, to be accessed by players in worlds beyond their own. She had destroyed her first gate on a whim, and resolved to search for answers to remedy the hopelessness of their doomed session. Meanwhile, Dave entered his first gate, riding into it with his awesome skateboard, Unreal Air. **

**The four exiles arrived on Earth years after its apocalypse, but years before they found their respective command stations. WV wrapped himself in John's dream blanket, which became dirty and unrecognizable over time. He found it along with a Jack-like doll on the Battlefield, which formerly sat in Dream John's bedroom, haunting his dreams. WV ripped it apart. PM wrapped herself in a Prospit banner, which too faded in time. AR wrapped himself in caution tape, using his own supply, as well as some fresh rolls he was lucky enough to discover near the ruined frog temple in one of grandpa's old crates. This was after he escaped that same temple in the medium, and found the meteor lab in which John slept. That meteor then took off for Skaia, via the Reckoning. AR? taped John to the rocket board, and cast him off before the meteor went through a portal. Thus AR became exiled. WQ exiled herself with an entourage on a royal cruiser, and landed on Earth. She departed on a solo quest, leaving her people to their own devices. She discovered her command station, a large egg, broken in two pieces in the two large craters made by Dave's split meteor. She used a key to repair the egg station, and teleported to the present location of the exiles, the frog ruins at night, 413 years after the apocalypse of Earth. **

**On the Battlefield, Dream John found Dream Jade's body. He was sad and confused, and took her ring as a keepsake. Later, grandpa would land his ship on the Battlefield, find and recover her body, and use it to create a stuffed trophy as a memorial, as per the proud family tradition. He would depart in his ship, and leave mom and dad behind. **

**John saw a vision in a cloud directing him where to go. It was a castle where he would rendezvous with PM?. PM?, after beheading HB, used his radio to summon Jack. He came, and she traded the two white crowns for the green box, Jade's present to John. He appeared pleased to uphold the bargain, either out of the misunderstanding that he was still under control of its contents, or out of respect for PM?'s tenacity and brutality in pursuing the prize. Only he knows. **

**PM? delivered the package to John, and then left, not thrilled by the trials caused by its recovery. John opened it to find letters from Jade, and her pen pal, who helped her make the present for him over several years. The gift was the pen pal's idea, and he himself was coerced into the plan by someone else. The box contained a modified version of the stuffed bunny John had received for his birthday twice already. it was the same knit-repaired bunny John sent back in time with baby Jade, and she presumably kept it as a cherished childhood toy ever since. It was now upgraded with mechanical parts, fully mobile and autonomous. It was also included with four powerful weapons, the Royal Deringer (broken sword), the Quills of Echidna (wands), Ahab's Crosshairs (rifle), and the Warhammer of Zillyhoo (hammer). Each was shrunken down to be "bunny sized". **

**As John mourned Jade's death over her letter, he was interrupted by Jack's sword. Jack was after the ring. But the heavily-armed mechanical bunny intervened, recognizing John as its new master. Jack, knowing the danger of the toy, was forced to retreat. **

**Finally, a cloud showed John what he was supposed to do with the ring. It was held by a mysterious black hand. In the far future on Earth, the exiles gathered around Exile Town. WQ asked WV for something. WV revealed he had been storing the complete, quad-prototyped ring in the sleeve of his Trusty Knife. It had been there all along, much to Serenity's surprise. **

**And then I started working on Act 5.**

Hussie stopped typing. What to do for the epilogue? Oh, that's right, trolls! Let's quickly see what was up with them. After all, we haven't heard from most of them at all!


	47. Book 3 Chapter 15: Act 5

Chapter 15: Act 5

Elsewhere in paradox space lay another planet, forgotten by time. It was orbited by two moons, one pink and the other green. We will strive to remember this planet! What was its name again?

Oh, ha ha! Nice one, smartypants! Really hilarious. But let's get real here. No more clowning around.

That was much better. In fact, as it happened, your guess was precisely correct. What are the odds? We examine the planet Alternia. Somewhere on this planet, there was a young troll.

Oh no, this is going to be more than a chapter. You know what? Fuck the epilogue, I'm going to make Act 5 into a whole nother trilogy! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Okay… um, on to Book Four then.

To be continued in Book 4: Hivebent 


	48. Book 4 Chapter 1: carcinoGeneticist

Yay! I'm finally uploading Hivebent! Many people skip right to this part, so I hope that you enjoy one of the best parts of Homestuck. I'm putting up all the trolls up to Equius so far. So that's everyone but Kanaya and the sea trolls.

Thanks for reading! -Morn

* * *

Book 4: Hivebent

Chapter 1: carcinoGeneticist

Somewhere on the planet that I specified at the end of the last book (the one called Alternia), a young troll stood in his respiteblock. His black shirt had a gray symbol of Cancer on it. He didn't look particularly happy, although it just so happened that today, the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th season's equinox, was the day of this young troll's awakening, also known as his wriggling day. Though it was six solar sweeps ago that he'd been given life, it was only today he would be given a name!

Six Alternian solar sweeps, for convenient reference, was equivalent to thirteen Earth years. Earth, also for convenient reference, was a planet that did not exist yet. What would the name of this troll be? Hmm… something predictably derogatory? No! This guy got fed up by Hussie's shenanigans in record time. He slashed the placronym in half with his sickle. That was quite enough.

This guy had a lot of troll pals and their adventures were going to be quite extensive and convoluted, to an even greater degree than one perhaps may have been accustomed. He thought that if AH thought that there was time to drag out every little gag and expected pattern along the way, he had another thing coming. He thought that Hussie should cram that sobering understanding in his chitinous windhole, and tamp it down hard with his ugly-stupid-looking cartilage nub.

Woah! Okay then, Mr. Troll. Karkat Vantas should do, right? The troll nodded. That's right then. As was previously mentioned, it was Karkat's wriggling day, which was barely even worth mentioning. It was an anniversary, if anything, to lament the faults of his existence, of which there were assuredly plenty.

Equally plenty, and somewhat related to that topic, were his interests. He had a passion for ridiculously terrible romantic movies and romcoms. He really should have been embarrassed for liking this dreadful cinema, but for some reason he wasn't. He liked to program computers, but he was notoriously awful at it. His programs invariably damaged the machines on which they were executed, which was just as well, because he liked to believe he specialized in computer viruses. When he matured, he aspired to join the ranks of the most lethal members of his society, the Threshecutioners. He liked to practice with his really cool sickle, but just wound up looking kind of like a doofus by himself in his room.

On another note, he liked to chat with some of his other troll pals, most of which drove him batshit up the fucking belfry. He'd been trying out a new chat client beta called Trollian recently, and he was not really sure what he thought about it yet. His trolltag was **carcinoGeneticist **and he spoke in a manner that was **ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY ORNERY, ALL THE TIME.**

Later, he'd play a game with five of his friends, and go on a big adventure. This game for convenient reference, did not yet exist. But it would soon.

Karkat examined the slimy purple pod in his room. It was his recuperacoon full of nourishing green sopor slime. Every young troll enjoyed the cozy embrace of such a vessel each night, and the relaxing ooze helped assuage the terrible visions of blood and carnage that plagued the dark subconscious of his species. It was so inviting… a few minutes wouldn't hurt. He climbed inside. Ahh…

Okay, this was cozy and all, but he couldn't spend all day napping like a chump. Dammit, he was a busy guy. He was sort of a big deal. Goddamn slime. Now he had to change his clothes too! What had he been thinking? Luckily his clothes were all the same. Trolls thought fashion was stupid.

It was time to get serious here. Sweet troll jegus! It was time to get real and get down to some major business. He spaced out and got caught up reading the titles of the films that he posters of on his walls. Wow these movies were great. He didn't care what anyone said. They were pure magic. Was that… was that John Cusack? See, what most people didn't understand was that John Cusack was a universal constant.

And this movie over here… this movie… ok, even he had a hard time defending this one. But still, it was so good. The best thing about was how Troll Adam Sandler didn't make him want to punch anything. Like, nothing at all, really hard or anything.

Karkat captchalogued his trusty sickle via his encryption modus. To retrieve it, he'd need to hack the code and open the card vault left behind. This would obviously prove to completely ridiculous and untenable way of maintaining an inventory, and lead to a great many follies. Later on, he'd swap his modus with his hacker friend, a guy who, unlike Karkat, happened to be competent with programming. It would only make sense. But for the time being his modus made his life kind of a nightmare. There were just so many stupid things that happened with this modus. So many, you have no idea.

Karkat took the card vault via his encryption modus. It was placed within another card vault and it fell through the ground, making a hole to the room below. God dammit! He heard some unhappy grumbling from below. This was not the coolest thing he could have done just now.

Karkat looked at the large black book on his dresser. He made _quite_ sure not to captchalogue it, but to simply pick it up and read it.

~ATH - A HANDBOOK FOR THE IMMINENTLY DECEASED

CHAPTER ONE

PREPARE YOUR ~ATH FILE:  
"DIG YOUR GRAVE"

A BONE TO PICK!  
"For death begins with  
life's first breath and  
life begins at touch of  
death"  
\- Troll Will Smith

~ATH(THIS) {

/ ADDITIONAL GRAVES...

} EXECUTE(NULL);

();

~ATH was an insufferable programming language to work with. Its logic was composed of nothing but infinite loops, or at best, loops of effectively interminable construction. The above page in the intro section documented the simplest possible ~ATH code structure. Any code deviating from this basic structure would not compile. Karkat had a whole bunch of code samples he'd been messing around with on his computer. It was frustrating at best, and debilitating to his machine at worst.

He set the book back on the dresser and exited his respiteblock through the door. He stood on one of his hive's numerous extraterraneal landing slats. Karkat had been allowed to design this hive when he was young, after he'd emerged victorious from his trials deep within the brooding caverns. He'd lived here with his custodian ever since.

It was almost as if his people had placed great cultural importance on teaching children to become architecturally adept while very young. It had been this way since ancient times. No one seemed to know why that was. Getting to build his own hive at a young age using whatever meandering design he chose had likely left him jaded to the notion of customizing his abode. He certainly wouldn't get worked up about a game that happened to allow him to do the same thing. At least not for that reason.

He looked out at his neighborhood to the neighboring hives. The lawnrings were empty. Blood skimmed the voids in Karkat's porous cranial plates, as if grazing the hollow of a threshed stem, or say, an abandoned cocoon. A sour note was produced. It was the one Agitation played to make its audience squirm. It was his sixth wriggling day, and as with all five preceding it blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Look. This young troll was a very busy fellow and he certainly didn't have time for fancy poetry. It was almost as useless as the arm-swingy flappy things on mailboxes, assuming he even knew what those were, which he didn't. Trolls didn't have mail. Mail was almost as useless as poetry to them. Poetry was the swing arm flappy dealy of words, and mail was the red tilty lever doodad of giving people shit.

Frankly, Karkat didn't know about things skimming voids or grazing hollows or whatever. He had ambition. He'd been meant to be a bigshot. To be in charge of something huge and really important, and to be totally ruthless about it. He just hadn't found the dominion in which he'd been destined for greatness yet. Or even a vague concept of it. He hadn't found his purpose. But tonight he would.

He stewed in his own impotent aggravation in the cool dusk breeze. During the dark seasons, it remained dusk for most of the day. In fact, it could stay dark for many bilunar perigrees at a time. But even if it didn't, he'd still have this feeling… Yeah, he had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

Karkat headed back into his block and hit up his computer station. No word from any of his loudmouth pals. No news was good news. Sweet music to his auricular sponge clots.

There was also a magazine on his desk. It was the latest issue of Game Grub. This one appeared to be boasting about "exclusive leaks". Well, they all boasted about that. He wasn't really sure what it meant though.

There was a DVD on the other side of his computer. It was of one of his favorite series, _The Thresh Prince of Bel-air._ It was about a green Threshecutioner cadet who sassed up the bluebloods in his flaysquad pretty good. Their blood was literally blue. Lousy snobs. But Troll Will Smith showed them all how to loosen up. He was pretty much Karkat's hero. Troll TV shows had shorter titles than troll movies because TV was a much newer form of media in their society. Which was a good thing, because it would have been pretty hard otherwise to make this funny joke.

Ok, enough messing around. It was time to get some work done. Maybe a little programming or oh god. It figured that installing this new beta chat client would open the floodgates. All his moron friends were going to be hounding him relentlessly. Not that they had needed an excuse before. He wondered what this chump wanted.

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **began trolling carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]**

**TC: wHaT iS uUuUuP mY iNvErTeBrOtHeR?**

**CG: WHAT IN THE SWEET ALMIGHTY TAINTCHAFING FUCK DO YOU WANT.**

**TC: NoT a MoThErFuCkInG tHiNg BrO.**

**TC: oThEr ThAn I bE cHeCkIn OuT hOw My BeSt MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd Is At Yo.**

**CG: I REALLY CAN'T STAND YOU AND I HATE HOW YOU TYPE, IT JUST BOTHERS ME SO MUCH, HAVE I MENTIONED THAT?**

**TC: YoU SaY iT pReTtY mUcH eVeRy TiMe We TaLk YeAh.**

**TC: but uh, i don't have to...**

**TC: uhhh see?**

**TC: but i mean man this feels so motherfuckin unnatural and shit.**

**TC: YoU jUsT gOt To Be GoInG wItH wHaT fEeLs RiGhT aT wHeRe YoUr HeArT's Up In, YoU kNoW?**

**TC: bEsT fRiEnD.**

**CG: I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHITTY THING I DID TO DESERVE SUCH AN AWFUL BEST FRIEND.**

**CG: OR MAYBE WHAT TERRIBLE THING I'M GOING TO DO AND GET PUNISHED FOR IN ADVANCE.**

**CG: MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE PREEMPTIVELY THE WORST FUCKING PIECE OF TRASH WHO EVER LIVED AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET, BUT HEY LOOK, YOUR FRIENDSHIP IS EXHIBIT A I GUESS.**

**TC: It'S sUcH a BeAuTiFuL tHiNg.**

**TC: ThIs TrOlL dIsEaSe CaLlEd FrIeNdShIp.**

**CG: FRIENDSHIP ISN'T A DISEASE SHITSPONGE.**

**CG: IT'S LIKE...**

**CG: A MISTAKE.**

**CG: A BIG JOKE OF NATURE.**

**TC: iT's A mIrAcLe.**

**CG: OH NO, DON'T.**

**CG: DON'T START WITH THE MIRACLES AGAIN.**

**TC: MaN eVeRyWhErE i LoOk...**

**TC: aLlS i SeE iS mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS.**

**TC: It'S sO sPiRiTuAl, AlL tHeSe mIrAcLeS aNd ShIt.**

**TC: oK lIkE jUsT bE tAkIn tHiS fUcKiN tItS bOtTlE oF fUcKiN fAyGo I jUsT cRaCkEd Up OpEn.**

**TC: AnD hOw It'S bEiNg AlL lIkE hIsSiNg AnD sHiT.**

**TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN hIsSiNg MaN, wHo WeNt AlL aNd ToLd It To Do ThAt?**

**TC: HoW wOuLd It EvEn Do ThAt, It'S cRaZy.**

**TC: iT's A mIrAcLe.**

**CG: IT'S CARBONATION YOU IGNORANT DOUCHE.**

**CG: TRY GETTING SCHOOLFED SOME TIME INSTEAD OF SLURPING DOWN THAT WEIRD SWILL ALL DAY AND FONDLING YOUR STUPID HORNS.**

**TC: No No BrO, i DoN't WaNnA kNoW, dOn'T eVeN tElL mE.**

**TC: kNoWiNg ShIt JuSt StEaLs Up AlL tHe FuCkIn MaGiC fRoM mY mIrAcLeS lIkE a MoThErFuCkIn ThIeF.**

**TC: AnD tHaT aIn'T cOoL.**

**CG: THE ONLY MIRACLE IS THAT YOU LIKE THAT DISGUSTING SLUDGE, WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET THAT STUFF.**

**CG: IT'S ALSO A MIRACLE HOW YOU DRESS LIKE AN IMBECILE AND ARE BASICALLY THE STUPIDEST ASSHOLE I'VE EVER KNOWN.**

**CG: ACTUALLY YOU'RE RIGHT, THERE ARE MIRACLES EVERYWHERE, I'VE BEEN A FOOL.**

**TC: sEe MaN, i Am StRaIgHt Up TeLlInG yOu.**

**TC: MiRaClEs.**

**TC: iT's LiKe, AlRiGhT, cOmPuTeRs, RiGhT?**

**TC: WhAt ThE fUcK?**

**TC: mIrAcLeS iS wHaT.**

**CG: FUCK YOU.**

**CG: FUCK YOU FOR ME JUST READING THAT.**

**TC: AnYwAy WhAt'S uP wItH yOuR bAd SeLf, FoR sErIoUs HeRe.**

**TC: iSn'T sOmEtHiNg BiG aLl GoInG dOwN?**

**CG: WHAT?**

**TC: i HeArD sOmEtHiNg bIg WaS gOiNg AlL dOwN.**

**TC: JuSt AlL bE tElLiNg Me AlL wHaT mOtHeRfUcKiN iT's Up AnD aLl AbOuT.**

**CG: STOP SAYING ALL. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT TA'S THING?**

**TC: yEaH! fUcK yEaH mAn, So MyStErIoUs.**

**TC: I'm NeVeR bEiNg GeTtInG cEaSeD tO bE aMaZeD bY aLl ThEsE fUcKiN mYsTeRiEs LiFe'S gOt FoR uS.**

**CG: UUUUUUGH.**

**CG: ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH THAT.**

**CG: MAYBE I'LL TALK TO HIM TONIGHT ABOUT IT. MAYBE I WON'T.**

**CG: IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER ONE OF HIS PROJECTS THAT WINDS UP BEING COMPLETELY USELESS AND A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME.**

**TC: yEaH mAyBe BuT hE's YoUr BeSt FrIeNd ThOuGh So It'S aLl CoOl.**

**TC: AnYwAy I tHoUgHt ThIs SoUnDeD lIkE a PrEtTy BiG mOtHeRfUcKiN dEaL mY mAn.**

**TC: aAaUuUhHh...**

**CG: WHAT.**

**TC: Aw BrO nEvErMiNd, I jUsT fUcKiN dId LiKe To ScArE tHe ShIt OuTtA mYsElF hErE.**

**TC: tHeSe DaMn HoRnS.**

**CG: YOU'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THOSE THINGS.**

**CG: THEY MAKE IT MORE EMBARRASSING TO KNOW YOU.**

**CG: WHICH IS A FRIGGIN MIRACLE THAT THAT'S EVEN POSSIBLE.**

**CG: LIKE, WOW, GOD SURE COOKED UP A DOOZY THERE.**

**CG: TWINKLY EYED SON OF A BITCH JUST KEEPS YOU GUESSING, DOESN'T HE.**

**TC: MaN yOu KnOw YoU wAnNa GiVe My HoRnS a GoOd SqUeEzE. :o)**

**CG: ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE THE MIRACLE TO END ALL MIRACLES?**

**CG: IT'LL BE IF I EVER MEET A KID I DESPISE MORE THAN YOU.**

**CG: THAT WILL MAKE ME A MOTHERFUCKIN CONVERT.**

**CG: I'LL SEE LIGHT SO BRIGHT I'LL NEED GC TO WALK ME AROUND SO I DON'T BUMP INTO SHIT.**

**CG: SIGN ME UP FOR YOUR IDIOTIC CLOWN RELIGION OK.**

**TC: hAhAhAhA yOu fUcKiN gOt It BrOtHeR!**


	49. Book 4 Chapter 2: terminallyCapricious

Chapter 2: terminallyCapricious

Woah. The narrative just shifted. Who the the motherfuck was this motherfucker. His face, rather than just being a plain gray, was mostly white with gray areas around his eyes and mouth. He wore a black shirt with a purple Capricorn symbol on it and black pants with gray spots on them. He had long orange horns that pointed upwards instead of to the sides.

It was cool, that narrative shift, though. Life was like that sometimes. Full of mysteries. He'd be doing one thing and then something else hit him just like that and he rolled with it. That was what he did when life handed him lemons. He sure as fuck didn't make lemonade because who the fuck knew where that fucking shit came from. It was squeezed out of miracles, that was what.

What was this motherfucker's name? He wasn't standing and waiting for anything. In fact, he'd just roll with whatever. In that case, I guessed there was no being derogatory and stupid and such, and named him Gamzee Makara.

He got pretty excited by clowns of a grim persuasion which may or may not have been in full possession of their mental faculties. He also belonged to a rather obscure cult, which foretold of a band of rowdy and capricious minstrels which would rise one day on a mythical paradise planet which did not exist yet. The beliefs of this cult were somewhat frowned upon by those dwelling in more common lawnrings, but Gamzee didn't care. He had to be going with what felt right where his heart was up in, you know?

Gamzee liked to practice on his one wheel device, a unicycle, which he was god awful at because his feet did not reach the pedals. He enjoyed a fine beverage, and liked to do a little baking sometimes. He had all these honking horns on the floor, and sometimes he stepped on them by accident and scared the shit out of himself.

He liked to chat a lot with his pal Karkat, who was usually pretty cranky. But he was Gamzee's best friend. He had a lot of other great friends who he also liked a lot. His trolltag was **terminallyCapricious,** and he generally spoke in a manner that was **JuSt A bIt WhImSiCaL**.

Gamzee snagged a bottle of Faygo from his desk. To consume the beverage was what his fellow devotees referred to as kickin' the wicked elixir. The bottle was captchalogued through his miracle modus. He had absolutely no idea how the thing worked. And he didn't want to know. A bunch of random mini captchalogue cards surrounded a larger one in the center. The small ones were different colored and the captchalogued item typically jumped around to all the different areas of the modus. He took his husktop (computer) too. Sometimes he just liked to pick up stuff and watch the colors. It was so beautiful. Life was beautiful.

Gamzee decided to give the unicycle another shot. Maybe one of these days he'd become more suited to its proportions, but for now this was all he had to work with. He just had to figure out how to stay on the thing without flying off the handle. He climbed onto the thing and did some kind of acrobatic fucking pirouette off the handle and into a big pile of horns. The horns all honked in unison.

He stood and looked at the delicious pie that was cooling on the counter. It was still piping hot but he couldn't help himself. He snuck a taste of the sopor slime pie. He wasn't supposed to eat that slime. It did funny things to a troll's head. But he'd never been taught that on account of a lousy upbringing. His custodian had always been out to sea. That was where he was now. Maybe Gamzee would go outside and see if he could spot him.

He grabbed a juggling club. He'd need it if he was going to go out because it was dangerous to leave unarmed. He then left the hive and headed out to the beach. There was no sign of his custodian. It wouldn't be good to stay out long. The sea dwellers were quite hostile.

Ooh! Someone was bugging him. This was exciting. He was always down for shooting the wicked shit with anyone who'd put up with him. Now if he could only figure out how to get his husktop out of this stupid thing he called a sylladex. It would be a miracle if he could manage. He clasped his hands together and said a short prayer to his beloved mirthful messiahs. He then splashed a pinch of Special Stardust in his face. His sylladex launched the bottle of Faygo far, far into the ocean.

Gamzee wondered if he could just… just sort of reach over… and… take the computer out of his sylladex…

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?**

**TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS!**

**GC: 8\**

**GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S!**

**GC: BUT 1M GONN4**

**GC: TH3 ONLY R34SON 1M 4SK1NG YOU 1S B3C4US3 YOUR N4M3 1S L1K3 G4M3**

**GC: 4ND NO OTH3R R34SON**

**GC: G3T 1T? :]**

**TC: HaHa WeLl I hEaRd Of WoRsE fUcKiN rEaSoNs To Be GeTtIn AlL aBoUt To Do SoMeThInG.**

**TC: :o) hOnK**

**GC: NO TH4T SHOULD BOTH3R YOU, TH4T R34SON**

**GC: WHY DONT TH1NGS L1K3 TH4T BOTH3R YOU?**

**GC: NO WOND3R V4NT4S C4NT ST4ND YOU**

**GC: BUT WHO C4R3S 4BOUT H1M, W3R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 SOM3 MOTH3RFUCK1NG SH1TTY B1TCH3S PL4Y1NG TOG3TH3R!**

**GC: OR WH4T3V3R YOU S41D**

**TC: sO iS tHiS tHe GaMe I'vE hEaRd AbOuT?**

**TC: ThE bIg MyStErY?**

**GC: Y34H**

**TC: wHoA oK uHhH...**

**TC: ThIs Is GoInG tO bE fUcKiN iNsAnE.**

**TC: bUt CaN wE pLaY a LiTtLe LaTeR?**

**TC: I'm OuTsIdE kEePiNg An EyE oUt HeRe FoR tHe OlD gOaT.**

**TC: yOu KnOw HoW iT iS wItH fAmIlY.**

**GC: NO, NOT R34LLY!**

**GC: 4DURRRR DURR DURP**

**TC: Oh YeAh...**

**GC: DURRRRRRRRRRRRR**

**GC: W4Y TO GO, HOW DO3S TH4T STUP1D BOTTL3D SYRUP OF YOURS T4ST3 W1TH YOUR HOOF SO F4R UP YOUR MOUTH?**

**GC: :]**

**TC: sOoOoOoOrY.**

**TC: AnYwAy I'lL gO iNsIdE iN a WhIlE, wHy DoN't YoU gEt KaRkAt To FiRe Up ThAt MoThErFuCkEr WiTh YoU?**

**TC: hE lIkEs GaMeS.**

**GC: OH NOOOOO.**

**GC: GOD C4N YOU 1M4G1N3 4LL TH3 B1TCH1NG 4ND MO4N1NG?**

**GC: 1 US3D TO TRY TO PL4Y STUFF W1TH H1M BUT WOW D1D 1 L34RN MY L3SSON.**

**TC: AlRiGhT, wElL i'Ll TrY tO gEt In AnD gEt Up On My ChIlL rEaL sOoN aNd We CaN pLaY.**

**TC: jUsT gIvE mE a MiNuTe!**

**GC: BULLSH1T!**

**GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 JUST GO1NG TO S1T TH3R3 ON TH3 B34CH 4ND SP4C3 OUT 4ND LOS3 TR4CK OF T1M3.**

**GC: H3LLO?**

**GC: G4MZ?**

**TC: WhAt?**

**TC: oH mAn SoRrY.**

**TC: I sPaCeD oUt, DiD yOu KnOw HoW bEaTuFuL tHe SoUnD oF tHe OcEaN iS?**

**TC: hAvE yOu EvEr EvEn SeEn ThE oCeAn?**

**TC: oR i MeAn SmElLeD iT...**

**TC: SoRrY.**

**GC: :[**

Karkat sat at his computer. Finally some peace and quiet. Now he could bear down on his coding. He reopened one of his ~ATH projects he'd started recently, called "AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. ~ATH":

import universe U;

import author Karkat;

~ATH(U) {

~ATH(Karkat) {

} EXECUTE(NULL);

} EXECUTE(NULL);

();

He'd been horsing around with the conditions for terminating the loops. What many ~ATH coders did was import finite constructs and bind the loops to their own lifespans. For instance, the main loop here would terminate would terminate upon the death of the universe, labeled U. That way he only had to wait billions of years for it to end instead of forever.

Karkat had bound a subloop to the lifespan of the code's author, which was him. Any routine at the end would execute when he died. He figured it would come in handy for coding something to release a final will and testament. Or maybe some doomsday virus. He spent a lot of time thinking of ways to make the perfect doomsday virus.

Conveniently absent from ~ATH's extensive import library were entities with short lifespans. Like a rapidly decaying particle that only lasted a millisecond sure would have been handy. Or even a fruit fly or something. But no, coding with this language was all about finding ways to trick it into doing what you wanted.

Karkat's hacker buddy was obnoxiously good at it. He'd sent some files which Karkat still didn't understand, but he wasn't going to admit that. His buddy was even better at making viruses than him, which really got stuck in his nook.

He checked out one of the files, called "check_thii2_2hiit_out. ~ATH":

bifurcate THIS[THIS, THIS];

import universe U1;

import universe U2;

~ATH(U1) {

~ATH(!U2) {

} EXECUTE(~ATH(THIS){}EXECUTE(NULL));

} EXECUTE(~ATH(THIS){}EXECUTE(NULL));

[THIS, THIS].DIE();

This code, when executed, immediately caused the user's computer to explode, and placed a curse on the user forever, along with everyone he knew, and everyone he'd ever meet. Not surprisingly, later on he'd run this code in a fit of stupidity. He didn't know how the guy did stuff like this. What did this even mean? It was nonsense. Was it even syntactically viable? Were you allowed to color text like that? ARGH. Maybe, he thought, I'll ask him about it sometime.

Oh, and speak of the devil. Here he was, bugging Karkat about something. Time to put on his game face and pretend he didn't think very highly of the guy's abilities.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**TA: KK dont fliip your 2hiit about thii2 but iim 2ettiing you up two play a game wiith 2ome people.**

**CG: WHY WOULD I FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT THAT.**

**TA: becau2e you fliip your 2hiit about everythiing.**

**CG: WELL WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS.**

**CG: HERE IS MY SHIT, AND YET IT REMAINS UNFLIPPED.**

**CG: JUST SITTING THERE ON THE SKILLET, GETTING BURNED ON ONE SIDE.**

**CG: IT'S A MIRACLE.**

**TA: oh no are you iinto miiracle2 now two becau2e iif you are youre fiired preemptiively from the game.**

**CG: FUCK NO.**

**TA: ok niice.**

**CG: MIRACLES ARE LIKE POOP STAINS ON GOD'S UNDERWEAR.**

**TA: eheheh makiing fun of people2 reliigiion2 i2 the be2t thiing two do.**

**CG: THAT'S WHY HE HIDES THEM, THEY'RE FUCKING EMBARRASSING.**

**CG: GOD LAUNDERS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.**

**TA: eheheheheh riight on but let2 2hut our mouth2 a 2econd and talk about thii2 game.**

**TA: iitll only be a 2econd really you dont have two do two much.**

**CG: OK, GOOD, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY BUSY TONIGHT.**

**CG: WHAT IS THIS THING ANYWAY, WHY ALL THE SECRECY.**

**TA: well the 2hort 2tory ii2 that iit2 an iimmer2iive 2iimulatiion that you play wiith a group.**

**TA: the long 2tory ii2 that the fate of our ciiviiliizatiion depend2 on u2 playiing iit.**

**TA: heh ii gue22 the long one wa2 2horter than the 2hort one FUCK.**

**CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE MELODRAMATIC BULLSHIT BUT COMING FROM YOU COLOR ME UNSURPRISED.**

**TA: 2crew you vanta2 thii2 2hiit2 more real than kraft grub2auce.**

**CG: RIGHT OK.**

**CG: SO YOU MADE THIS GAME?**

**TA: no no.**

**TA: more liike ii adapted iit.**

**CG: FROM WHAT.**

**TA: 2ome crazy technology AA dug out of 2ome ruiin2.**

**TA: havent you talked two her about iit?**

**CG: MAN, NO.**

**CG: I CAN'T TALK TO HER, SHE'S SO SPOOKY.**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY MOST OF OUR FRIENDS ARE SUCH PSYCHOS.**

**TA: probably iit2 becau2e mo2t troll2 are.**

**TA: iif you heard what ii heard every niight ii mean WOW FUCK.**

**CG: NO LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR WEIRD MUTANT BRAIN.**

**CG: AND DON'T SCAN MINE OR WHATEVER, IT'S OFF LIMITS YOU DOUCHE.**

**TA: ii told you liike a biilliion tiime2 ii cant do that you nub2lurping fuckpod.**

**CG: WHY ARE YOU TWO UP TO THIS SECRET STUFF.**

**CG: WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?**

**TA: KK iim 2orry but really iit2 kiind of a priivate matter between me and her and iid appreciiate iit iif that wa2 re2pected.**

**CG: OH GOD.**

**CG: STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE.**

**CG: IT'S A REPUGNANT QUALITY.**

**TA: ok how about you take your own adviice you are 2uch a blubberiing hypocriite.**

**TA: youre lucky iim 2o fuckiing magnaniimou2 and chariitable cau2e otherwii2e there2 no chance iid wa2te my tiime on you.**

**CG: WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT, THIS ACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE A HOTSHOT, YOU KNOW YOU HATE YOURSELF.**

**TA: nobody hate2 hiim2elf more than you iidiiot.**

**CG: YEAH WELL I HATE YOU WAY MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF, AND THAT'S FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING.**

**CG: IN FACT I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND YOU HATE YOURSELF AND YOU HATE ME COMBINED.**

**TA: oh fuck that noii2e iin every leakiing oriifiice iit2 got you know ii hate the combiined product of you and my2elf more than you could ever begiin two hate me and my2elf and you and your2elf on your wor2t day 2o FUCKIING DEAL WIITH IIT.**

**CG: OK, TIME OUT FOR THE IDIOT.**

**CG: THE IDIOT GETS A TIME OUT AND SHUTS UP FOR A SECOND.**

**CG: THAT'S YOU.**

**CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS GAME.**

**TA: ok well iill 2end you a download 2oon.**

**TA: iim 2ett1ng up two team2.**

**TA: liike two 2eparate competiing team2 2o that there2 a better chance of at lea2t one group wiinniing.**

**TA: and al2o ii gue22 two 2ee which one can wiin fa2ter.**

**CG: OK LET ME GUESS.**

**CG: THERE'S A RED TEAM AND BLUE TEAM, RIGHT?**

**TA: yeah.**

**TA: youre on the red team.**

**TA: ii wiill be the leader of the blue.**

**CG: OK, THEN I GUESS I CAN PICK MY TEAMMATES THEN?**

**TA: uh...**

**TA: bro youre not the red team leader.**

**TA: ii piicked GC for that.**

**CG: WHAT?**

**TA: dude ii diid NOT thiink youd be iintere2ted iin thii2 dont act all offended.**

**CG: OH WOW NOW I SEE.**

**CG: REALLY FUCKING CLEVER, PICKING THE BLIND GIRL TO LEAD THE TEAM YOUR COMPETING WITH.**

**CG: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATER LOWLIFE FUCKING SCUMBAG WITH NO SCRUPLES OR SELF ESTEEM AND WERE BASICALLY WORTHLESS ON EVERY LEVEL, BUT SOMEHOW I'M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.**

**TA: yeah ii am 2uch an iidiiot for not rewardiing your bubbly per2onaliity and iimpeccable people 2kiill2 wiith a leader2hiip giig.**

**TA: what an iincon2iiderate knuckle2ponged a22hole ii have been.**

**CG: I AM A HATCHED LEADER AND YOU KNOW IT.**

**TA: ii know your fiilthy 2eedflap ii2 flutteriing iin the profane breeze that2 2hootiing out your 2tiinkiing meal tunnel.**

**TA: ii do know that much.**

**CG: HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF YOUR COCOON IN THE MORNING KNOWING YOU'RE THE WORST THING A UNIVERSE WAS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR?**

**CG: ALSO IT MUST BE HARD WITH YOUR HANDS TO PERSISTENTLY BOTHERING EVERY MUTATED SET OF GENITALS PEPPERING THAT GHASTLY HUSK YOU PAWN OFF AS A BODY.**

**CG: HAS A FEMALE EVER LOOKED AT YOU WITHOUT AT ONCE TURNING SKYWARD AND ERUPTING LIKE A VOMIT VOLCANO, ANSWER ME THAT.**

**TA: thii2 ii2 2o iimmature, iim ba2iically ju2t laughiing here at how iimmature you are.**

**TA: liike ii really giive a fuck who the red leader ii2.**

**TA: you want two be the leader fiine talk two GC about iit.**

**CG: I GUESS THESE CONVERSATIONS WE HAVE DO GET KIND OF EMBARRASSING IN RETROSPECT.**

**CG: ARE WE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF STUFF I SAID.**

**TA: eheheheh you LIITERALLY a2k me that every tiime are you jokiing.**

**TA: ii cant even tell anymore.**

**CG: IT'S A JOKE MORON.**

**CG: HONESTLY I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY ELSE IS PRIVVY TO OUR CONVERSATIONS.**

**CG: ACTUALLY WHY DON'T WE MAKE A PACT TO DELETE THIS ONE FROM OUR LOGS, I'M JUST SHUDDERING HERE SCROLLING UP AND READING THIS.**

**TA: yeah ok.**

Suddenly, there was a grumble from below. It sounded like someone downstairs was getting pretty crabby. This was not an encounter he was looking forward to. He'd probably put it off as long as he could manage.


	50. Book 4 Chapter 3: gallowsCalibrator

Chapter 3: gallowsCalibrator

And there went the narrative again. A young troll lady with red sesame-seed-shaped glasses stood in her colorful respiteblock with a box of chalk on the floor that lay open. Around were pieces of red, light green, and purple chalk. This girl had drawn a rather shitty-looking dragon on the wall that was severely smudged in some places. The girl herself had short but pointy horns, unlike Karkat, whose short horns were rather blunt. She had red shoes on and a black shirt and pants. The shirt had a cyan horological symbol of Libra on it.

Her name was Terezi Pyrope, and she was really enthusiastic about dragons. But she had a particular affection for their colored scales, which she gathered and used to decorate her hive one of the walls of her hive. Though she lived alone, deep in the woods, she surrounded herself with a variety of plush dragon pals known as Scalemates. She often spent her days with them in rounds of live action role playing, or LARPing. She had once engaged in various forms of more extreme role playing with some of her friends before she'd had an accident.

Terezi took an interest in justice, much like Libra was the scale upon which all was judged. She held a particular fascination for orchestrating the demise of the wicked. She'd taken up study of brutal Alternian law, and surrounded herself with legal books. She had no need for copies printed in trollbraille, because she could smell and taste the words. She hoped one day to join the honorable ranks of the Legislacerators. Her trolltag was **gallowsCalibrator**and she **SPOK3 W1TH TH3 NUM3R4LS TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS H4D ONC3 US3D.**

She was presently the leader of the red team, poised to begin a mysterious game with 5 other friends, in direct competition with another 6 of his friends, comprising the blue team.

Terezi decided to cut to the chase and begin LARPing immediately. It had been inevitable since the start of this chapter when the narrative switched. It was pretty hard to live action role play when there was no one who was alive nearby. But all of her Scalemates were alive to her. At least she pretended that to annoy people. She prepared a new campaign for one of her favorite scenarios, Courtblock Drama. His Honorable Tyranny presided. On trial was an especially detestable fellow, Senator Lemonsnout. She'd sparred with this scumbag before. Tonight he faced justice. She would play the role of the prosecuting attorney. On Alternia, there was no such thing as a defense attorney, or a defense. In a courtblock, even the word defense itself was offensive.

Terezi began the interrogation, most of which was in the intimidating silence. She walked up to the senator and knelt down before him. She grinned evilly and slapped the Scalemate hard across the face. She didn't want to slap too hard. Enough to sting, but not to bruise. It had to be methodical, business-like. And persistent. She only stopped when she smelled tears.

"Mr. Senator," she said to the yellow Scalemate, "you smell very nice. Your luscious yellow scales are like the sweetest gumdrops to the prosecution's nose..." She paused for dramatic effect, then continued, "But your deceit STINKS!" She pulled the toy's nose to her own and sniffed disgustedly.

"Did you honestly think you dip your corpulent snout into the imperial beetle coffers like that and get away with it? Did you think your revolting abuse of the public trust would go unnoticed? WELL, THINK AGAIN, GOOD SENATOR! While the prosecution may be blind, rest assured the league of Legislacerators sees all."

Terezi called for a witness and quickly stabbed a knife through a green Scalemate. She lay it on its back and drew blood pooling down it with red chalk. She turned back to the senator. "Oh, well played, Lemonsnout. _Well played_. The prosecution's key witness, murdered. _How convenient!_ The courtblock," she said, licking her lips, "has little choice but to acknowledge your cunning. You have earned just a teensy sliver of your respect back. For now.

"But wait… Oh my! What have we here?" There was a bag on the floor. "The prosecution begs your pardon, dear senator, but you appear to have dropped something. A personal satchel perhaps? _CHOCK FULL OF ILLICIT, EMBEZZLED BEETLES, WITH WHICH YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED CHEEK TO WALTZ BEFORE HIS TYRANNY, CONCEALED BENEATH YOUR ILL-BEGOTTEN FINERY?"_

Terezi turned to the troll judge drawn on the wall in red chalk. "The prosecution requests a short recess from His Honorable Tyranny so that all law-abiding and Mother Grub fearing citizens may go outside and _puke_."

As the prosecutor, it was her job to reach a final verdict and sentence the reprehensible felon, while His Tyranny watched in silence and submitted grim approval. But the troll girl took pity on the miserable bureaucrat. She was feeling merciful. She'd give him a fighting chance. She'd flip a double-headed Troll Caegar, a type of coin, to decide his fate. She did this quite often when making important decisions. Kind of like Batman's nemesis, Two-face. Or that guy from No Country for Old Men. It turned out there were a lot of badasses out there flipping coins. But those were Earth things anyway, and Terezi had never heard of them. It was safe to say he'd borrowed this gimmick from one of the many, many troll things out there that had hard-boiled dudes flipping coins for major stakes. She based the habit on whichever one smelled the most badass.

One side of the coin was heads and the other was also heads, but with a scratch in it. Terezi flipped it and it tumbled through the air. Lemonsnout was sweating bullets!

Finally, the coin landed with a plink. It was heads up, a favorable flip. The senator exhaled in relief.

"What are you so happy about, Senator Lemonsnout?" Terezi asked him.

He looked confused and quivered his lowly proboscis at the coin. See? It had exonerated him.

"Coin?" Terezi asked. "What coin? Surely you jest, Mr. Senator. The prosecution sees no coin." She smashed the senator's snout against her face and yelled at him loudly. "SHE'S BLIND, REMEMBER?"

The troll girl tied a white rope into a noose and slipped it around Lemonsnout's neck. She then tossed him out the window. His sorry snout got caught on something for a second. It had looked like… an arm? Too pale to be troll skin, of course, but it was the same shape. It stuck out of a mysterious blue portal in the air for a few seconds, and then disappeared.

Lemonsnout fell and the noose tightened around his neck, hanging him for eternity. Behind him sat a decimated pink Scalemate and a similarly ragged red one. In fact all around Terezi's hive, there were a variety of Scalemates, in all kinds of different colors, of course. As long as they tasted good.

Her hive was set at the top of a tree, so many of the plushies hung from branches around the pink leaves and blue-hued bark. There was even a net full of Scalemates hanging from a thick limb, suffice to say.

Another triumph for justice. The courtblock was adjourned. Terezi offered final salutations to His Honorable Tyranny in the customary manner, by licking the delicious chalk from his face. Ok, that was not customary at all. She was just kind of weird.

It was just that her red chalk was the most delicious chalk. She could not get enough of it. Anyone who said there was a more delicious chalk out there simply reeked of deceit.

She sure had had to go through a lot of trouble to get up to His Tyranny's level. She jumped off from the top of a pile of ten books and took her walking cane, which she used as a weapon, kind of like Earth Daredevil, of whom she'd never heard. She'd use it to wallop enemies when she entered The Medium. By pulling the parts of the stick apart, which were held together by string, and using it like a flail.

Terezi hopped on her computer. Her nose started scouring her chumproll through the saliva smears on her monitor for potential teammates so she could start playing. Hmm, no not her. Nope, not her either. DEFINITELY not _that_ guy.

Okay, how about this girl? Terezi liked to role play with her sometimes via chat. She pretended she was a member of the mysterious and noble Dragonyy'yd race while the girl did her own goofy thing. Terezi didn't have it in her heart to tell the girl that her own chat RPing was meant f4c3t1ously… oops, I mean, facetiously.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****arsenicCatnip [AC]**

**GC: *GC L4NDS ON YOUR WH3LP1NG STOOP 4ND R4PS ON YOUR C4V3 W1TH H3R NOBL3 4ND 3L3G4NT T4LON***

**GC: *4ND ONC3 W1TH H3R M1GHTY SNOUT FOR GOOD M34SUR3***

**AC: :33 *ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sl33py from the recent kill***

**AC: :33 *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws***

**AC: :33 *and the other one to blow you a kiss!***

**GC: 8O**

**GC: *GC W1TH 4 M1GHTY WH1SK OF H3R M1GHTY T41L PLUCKS TH3 K1SS OUT OF TH3 41R M1GHT1LY***

**GC: *GC POCK3TS TH3 K1SS 1N H3R 3NCH4NT3D RUCKS4CK FOR L4T3R, TO DO SOM3TH1NG M4G1C4L, L1K3 M4K3 GOBL1N W1SH3S COM3 TRU3***

**AC: :33 *yes! ac finds that to be a most admirable use of a kiss!***

**AC: :33 *she thinks that goblin wishes n33d to come true too just like any other kind of purrsons wishes***

**AC: :33 *ac begs your pardon while she rips apart this tasty beast to prepare a meal for her cubs***

**GC: *GC 3Y3S THE B34ST HUNGR1LY 4ND M1GHT1LY***

**AC: :33 uh oh!**

**GC: *GC 3Y3S THE CUBS HUNGR1LY!***

**GC: *4ND M1GHT1LY***

**GC: *3SP3C14LLY M1GHT1LY***

**AC: :33 dont you dare!**

**AC: :33 i mean**

**AC: :33 *ac shouts dont you dare!***

**AC: :33 *indignantly***

**GC: *BUT 1T 1S TOO L4T3! GC SCOOPS UP 4 PLUMP CUB W1TH H3R GL1ST3N1NG M4J3ST1C T41L 4ND FL13S OFF M4G1C4LLY***

**GC: *TH3 1NNOC3NT CUB 1S CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG 4ND CRY1NG***

**AC: :33 *ac says noooooooo and looks a bit crestfallen***

**AC: :33 *ac gets a clever idea to slake the majestic dragons mighty hunger***

**AC: :33 *she prepares the lions share of the slain armored cholerbear for gc***

**GC: :? *GCS M4GN1F1C3NT CUR1OS1TY H4S B33N P3RK3D***

**GC: 1S 1T 4 BULL CHOL3RB34R?**

**GC: OOPS *SH3 4SK3D TH4T***

**AC: :33 *ac pawses a moment and nods knowingly with a couple of smug grins on her face***

**AC: :33 *she confirms it is ind33d the bulliest of bears!***

**GC: *GC 1NST4NTLY LOS3S 1NT3R3ST 1N TH3 PUNY CUB 4ND DROPS 1T TO TH3 GROUND F4R B3LOW!***

**AC: :33 *but as it happens the really cute cub lands in a bush safe and sound, whew!***

**GC: *GC'S 4L4RM1NG 4ND SPL3ND1F3ROUS G1RTH S3TTL3S OV3R THE SUCCUL3NT CHOL3RB34R ST34K***

**GC: *WH3N SH3 F1N1SH3S TH3 S4VORY R3D M34T SH3 L1FTS H3R PROUD W1S3 H34D 4ND OP3NS H3R GR34T B1G MOUTH 4ND SP34KS TH3 4NC13NT TONGU3 OF 4 THOUS4ND W1SDOMS***

**GC: *SH3 S4YS:***

**GC: H3Y DO YOU W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3 W1TH M3?**

**AC: :33 *ac crinkles up her nose and prepares for a really unprecedented marathon of baffling feline obstinacy***

**AC: :33 *her dragonyyydy suitor will make neither rhyme nor reason of her purrplexing behavior for even an instant!***

**GC: NO NO TH4T W4S 4 R34L QU3ST1ON**

**GC: W4NT TO PL4Y 4 G4M3?**

**AC: :33 oh! h33h33**

**AC: :33 ok if you mean a computer game then yes that sounds like fun**

**GC: OK YOU C4N B3 ON MY T34M**

**AC: :33 team?**

**AC: :33 who else is playing?**

**GC: 1 H4V3NT D3C1D3D Y3T**

**GC: 4 WHOL3 BUNCH OF US 1N TWO T34MS**

**AC: :33 oh**

**AC: :33 well it does sound like it will be a lot of fun but i think i should get purrmission first**

**GC: BL4R!**

**GC: TH4TS SO STUP1D**

**GC: H3S NOT TH3 BOSS OF YOU**

**AC: :33 i know!**

**AC: :33 but still im kind of scared of him and i think purrhaps its best to just run it by him first so there isnt a kerfuffle about it or anything**

**GC: TH1S 1S STUP1D 1N SUCH 4 T3RR1BL3 MYR14D OF DUMB W4YS**

**GC: YOU SHOULDNT B3 4FR41D OF 4NYON3**

**GC: YOU K1LL B1G 4NIM4LS W1TH YOUR B4R3 H4NDS!**

**GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 H3 L1V3S NOWH3R3 N34R YOU SO TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG 1S 3XTR4 STUP1D**

**AC: :33 i knooow**

**AC: :33 but i dont think itll be a big deal**

**AC: :33 ill just mention it casually and itll be fine im sure and then we can play in just a little bit!**

**GC: XO**

**GC: F11111N3**

**GC: 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 W1LL GO ROUND UP SOME MOR3 P3OPL3 TO PL4Y**

**AC: :33 k!**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**GC: H3Y G4MZ33Z YOU W4NT TO PL4Y G4M3Z3Z W1TH M3?**

**TC: hEy YeAh ThAt SoUnDs LiKe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiT's BiTcHtItS!**

**GC: 8\**

**GC: 1T SUR3 1S H4RD TO 1GNOR3 TH3 W31RD TH1NGS YOU S4Y SOM3T1M3S!**

Gamzee and Terezi then proceeded to have the rest of the conversation we've already read. No luck in getting this guy to play with her right now either. She guessed that left…

Oh no. Not Karkat. She'd only been going to ask him as a last resort. Oh, and now he was trolling her too. She wondered what he wanted. She'd try to avoid mentioning the game. Hopefully he hadn't caught wind of it yet.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**CG: HEY GUESS WHAT, BIG NEWS.**

**CG: LIKE HOLY SHIT STOP THE PRESSES THIS IS A HUMONGOUS DEAL SORT OF NEWS.**

**GC: BL44444RRRRR WH4T 1S 1T**

**CG: YOU'RE NOT THE RED TEAM LEADER.**

**CG: THAT'S ME.**

**CG: I'M THE LEADER.**

**CG: IT'S BEEN DECIDED.**

**CG: ON AN OFFICIAL BASIS.**

**GC: OK SO 1 GU3SS 1M SUPPOS3D TO M4K3 4 B1G ST1NK 4BOUT TH1S 4ND S4Y W4H W4H 1 W4NT TO B3 TH3 L34D3R :[ :[ :[**

**CG: WHAT, NO.**

**CG: I MEAN YOU CAN BUT IT WON'T DO ANY GOOD BECAUSE I'M THE LEADER AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO EVACUATE THROUGH YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ON THE MATTER.**

**GC: W3LL 1T M4Y SURPR1S3 YOU TO KNOW TH4T 1 DONT G1V3 4 CR4P WHO G3TS TO B3 L34D3R B3C4US3 UNL1K3 YOU 1 4CTU4LLY H4V3 4 FUCK1NG SM1DG3N OF M4TUR1TY 4ND S3LF R3SP3CT**

**CG: THAT'S A LIE, YOU'RE MORE OF A MELODRAMA SPAZ QUEEN THAN ME AND YOU KNOW IT AND THIS STUFF YOUR SAYING IS A PRETEND STUNT.**

**CG: YOU'RE LIKE A ROCKET PROPELLED SPAZ MAGGOT SPRINGLOADED UP THE ASS OF A PSYCHEDELIC FUCKING FREAKOUT WEASEL ON IDIOT DRUGS SO LETS NOT PLAY MAKEBELIEVE GAMES HERE.**

**CG: LEADER.**

**CG: ME.**

**GC: UUUUUUUUHNG**

**GC: K4RK4T 1 DONT C444R3**

**GC: YOU C4N B3 TH3 STUP1D L34D3R 1 JUST W4NT TO PL4Y TH1S G4M3**

**CG: OK, GREAT.**

**CG: IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION I HAVE SELECTED YOU TO BE MY SECOND IN COMMAND.**

**GC: R333334444LLY?**

**GC: SWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON ;] 3 3 3**

**CG: FUCK YOU OFFER RESCINDED.**

**GC: OK BUT S3R1OUSLY**

**GC: 1 WOULD H4V3 SUGG3ST3D YOU B3 TH3 L34D3R BUT HON3STLY 1T COM3S W1TH S3R1OUS R3SPONS1B1L1T13S 4ND 1 W4SNT SUR3 1F YOU W3R3 UP TO 1T**

**CG: HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT.**

**CG: I'M AN INCREDIBLE LEADER WITH ALL KINDS OF PRIORITIZATION AND COMMAND SKILLS.**

**CG: I'M GOING TO ROCK THE COCK OFF THIS WEATHERVANE AND THE BLUE TEAM WILL WISH THEY NEVER SLITHERED OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB'S HEINOUS UNDULATING ASSHOLE.**

**CG: SO JUST GIVE ME THE FULL BRIEFING, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.**

**GC: OK TH3 TH1NG YOU N33D TO KNOW 1S TH3 L34D3R ST4RTS OUT BY RUNN1NG THE CL13NT 4PPL1C4T1ON**

**GC: WH1L3 1 TH3 LOWLY S3COND OFF1C3R CONN3CTS TO YOU W1TH TH3 S3RV3R WH1L3 1 R3M41N G3N3R4LLY 1N 4W3 OF YOUR M4NLY GR4ND3UR**

**GC: 4ND 1 S1T 4T MY COMPUT3R DO1NG M3N14L CHOR3S 1N SUPPORT OF YOUR H3RO1C 3SC4P4D3S WH1CH HON3STLY 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34DY FOR BUT WH4T3V3R**

**CG: SEE THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: THIS IS WHAT I WAS MADE FOR.**

**CG: BEING IN CHARGE OF ADVENTURE, RUNNING AROUND AND STUFF, AND FUCKING SHIT UP LIKE A GODDAMN HERO WITH A RIPPERWASP IN HIS JOCK.**

**CG: LET'S GET CRACKING HERE.**

**CG: LAUNCH YOUR SERVER OR WHATEVER, I'LL INSTALL THE HERO PROGRAM.**

**GC: TH3 CL13NT**

**CG: YEAH.**

**GC: OK 1F YOU 1NS1ST**

**GC: F4R B3 1T FROM M3 TO STOP YOU FROM B31NG SO D4SH1NG 4ND COUR4G3OUS**

**GC: 4ND TO B3 P3RF3CTLY HON3ST 4 L1TTL3 B1T H4NDSOM3 :]**

**CG: YES, EXACTLY.**

**CG: NOW YOU ARE MAKING SENSE.**

**CG: THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT SANE PEOPLE SAY.**

**CG: KEEP AT IT, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET.**

**GC: OK 1LL TRY**

**GC: 4NYTH1NG TO G3T YOU TO STOP B31NG SUCH 4 B4BY**

**CG: WHAT'S A BABY.**

**GC: OH**

**GC: 1TS L1K3 4 MYTH1C4L L1TTL3 P1NK MONK3Y**

**GC: SOM3TH1NG MY LUSUS DR34MS 4BOUT**

**CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T HAVE ONE.**

**GC: 1 DONT**

**GC: Y3T**

**GC: 1M NOT 4LLOW3D TO**

**CG: WHY NOT?**

**CG: WHY HAVE YOU NEVER MENTIONED THIS ANYWAY?**

**CG: HONESTLY TEREZI IT SOUNDS LIKE MORE FROTHING LOONEYBLOCK NONSENSE.**

**GC: 1F 1 3V3R D1D H4V3 ON3 1T WOULD M34N TH3 WORLD W4S COM1NG TO 4N 3ND**

**CG: OH THANK GOD YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING NORMAL, I WAS STARTING TO WORRY THERE.**

**CG: WHEW BACK IN SANE LAND.**

**GC: 1TS TRU3! :P**

**GC: 1 DONT COMPL3T3LY UND3RST4ND 1T BUT TH4TS WH4T 1T TOLD M3**

**CG: WE NEED TO GET YOU OUT OF THAT FUCKING TREE AND INTO A PROPER GODDAMN LAWNRING.**

**CG: YOU'VE BEEN STUNTED LIVING UP THERE, BY THE WHISPERS OF FUCKING BARK GNOMES OR SOMETHING.**

**CG: I THINK ONE OF MY NEIGHBORS WAS JUST CULLED RECENTLY, MAYBE YOU COULD LIVE THERE.**

**GC: NO W4Y SCR3W L4WNR1NGS!**

**GC: MOR3 L1K3 Y4WNR1NGS**

**GC: 1 LOV3 MY TR33!**

**GC: BUT YOUR3 W3LCOM3 TO V1S1T SOM3 T1M3**

**GC: 1TS 3SP3C14LLY N1C3 1N TH3 TH1RD 4UTUMN**

**CG: OK WELL**

**CG: SPEAKING OF THAT**

**CG: I SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS AND DEAL WITH THIS GRUMPY CUSTOMER.**

**CG: IT'S GOING TO FONDLE MAJOR SEEDFLAP, BUT HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE QUICK.**

**CG: YOU CAN ESTABLISH YOUR CONNECTION AND DO YOUR TRIVIAL SIDEKICK STUFF I GUESS IN THE MEANTIME.**

**GC: OK! :D**

A little later, after the Knight of Blood's (that was Karkat, by the way) heroic arrival to the Land of Pulse and Haze, the young troll quickly crafted a new sickle, the homes smell ya later. Plus some other cool stuff. He stood next to his toilet outside of his hive which Terezi had built up and scribbled all over, saying things like "Durr" and "Karkat" with arrows pointing at a crudely drawn red face.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**CG: YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT.**

**CG: TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.**

**GC: NO 1 C4NT S33 YOU DUMB4SS**

**CG: OH YEAH.**

**CG: ANYWAY, PRESS YOUR NOSE AGAINST YOUR SLOBBERY SCREEN AND TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.**

**GC: SM3LLS PR3TTY T3RR1BL3!**

**CG: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK A HARD DRAG OF MY LOAD GAPER WHICH FOR SOME REASON I HAVE DISCOVERED OUTSIDE ON THIS LITTLE ISLAND.**

**GC: YOU M34N YOUR TO1L3T?**

**CG: WELL OOH LA LA.**

**CG: EXCUSE MY DISDAIN FOR YOUR BLUE BLOODED VERNACULAR.**

**GC: WH4T COLORS YOUR BLOOD?**

**CG: WHOA NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!**

**CG: SERIOUSLY WAS THAT A SERIOUS QUESTION?**

**CG: UNBELIEVABLE.**

**GC: 1 W1LL F1ND OUT SOM3 D4Y**

**CG: WHAT IS WITH YOUR OBSESSION WITH COLORS.**

**CG: IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU WASTE ALL MY HARD EARNED GRIST RAMBLING MY HIVE AROUND LIKE THAT NOT EVEN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FUCKING GATE.**

**CG: BUT THEN YOU GO AND SPEND IT ON AN UGLY PAINT JOB.**

**CG: I KILLED A LOT OF IMPS FOR THAT GRIST.**

**GC: K4RK4T, PL34S3**

**GC: DONT PR3T3ND YOU D1DNT 3NJOY GO1NG 4ROUND K1LL1NG TH1NGS**

**GC: 4ND TH4T YOU WOULDNT 3NJOY K1LL1NG 4 WHOL3 LOT MOR3**

**GC: PR4NC1NG 4ROUND W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 S1CKL3 B31NG 4LL 4DOR4BL3**

**CG: YEAH RIGHT.**

**CG: MORE LIKE...**

**CG: ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.**

**CG: I'M PRANCING AROUND BEING THAT, OK?**

**GC: :]**

**CG: ANYWAY THIS IS AWFUL, THIS IS NO WAY FOR A LEADER TO BE TREATED.**

**GC: SORRY TH1S 1S WH4T YOU W4NT3D**

**GC: TH3 L34D3R 1S TH3 F1RST ON3 1N**

**GC: TH1S 1S WH4T TH3 L34D3R 1S SUPPOS3D TO DO**

**CG: NO, THIS IS NOT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR WHAT BULLSHIT IS.**

**CG: A LEADER SHOULDN'T BE AT THE MERCY OF THE HIVE RENOVATION WHIMSY OF A PSYCHOTIC BLIND GIRL.**

**CG: WHEN DO I GET THE CHANCE TO FUCK UP SOMEONE'S HIVE.**

**CG: I SHOULD BE THE NEXT ONE TO CONNECT TO A CLIENT.**

**GC: NO YOU C4NT!**

**GC: YOU H4V3 TO B3 TH3 L4ST ON3 TO CONNECT TO COMPL3T3 TH3 CH41N**

**CG: MORE LIES.**

**GC: TH1NK OF 1T TH1S W4Y**

**GC: 1M YOUR S3RV3R PL4Y3R SO PR1OR1TY H4S TO B3 ON M3 G3TT1NG 1N TH3 G4M3**

**GC: B3FOR3 1 G3T K1LL3D BY M3T3ORS**

**GC: 1N WH1CH C4S3 YOUD B3 SCR3W3D 1N TH3R3**

**GC: TH3N TH3 N3XT GUY COM3S 1N, TH3N TH3 N3XT**

**GC: 4ND YOU BR1NG TH3 L4ST ON3 1N**

**CG: WHOA WAIT, WHAT?**

**CG: METEORS?**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH METEORS.**

**GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T**

**GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44**

**CG: 44 WHAT?**

**GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY**

**CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT.**

**GC: OR T4**

**GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS**

**GC: OR C4**

**GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S**

**GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT**

**CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES.**

**GC: 1 C4NT!**

**GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT**

**GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3**

**GC: CY4!**

A little while before Karkat's entrance into the medium, a mysterious troll girl with blank white eyes floated through an underground cavern. She wore a long dark gray jacket over a black shirt with a red symbol of Aries on it. She had red lipstick and red eyeliner on, and her horns were curled and oddly shaped, like ram horns with little divots in the bottom, almost mimicking the horological symbol on her shirt. Her gray dress was ripped and full of holes and her socks were visible. They were long and white with red stripes along their top.

In front of her lay a crater surrounded by and filled with the remnants of ancient frog-worshipping civilization. A tall stone temple rose in the center of it all. The girl raised her hand and the head of the frog temple rose into the sky. Rubble fell all around the crater. She moved her hand in a throwing motion, tossing the head into the bottom of the crater and desecrating the temple.

She wasn't sure why she'd just done that, really. There'd probably turn out to be a reason. There was a reason for everything. Understanding this led her be reckless. Whoever she was…

A little later, somewhere else entirely, a pair of purple-and-blue-striped shoes stood in the mud next to a bottle of Faygo. A crab scuttled along nearby. A gray hand reached down to pick up the bottle. The hand had a ring with the astrological symbol of Aquarius on it along with another two rings.

There was a sigh. This was rubbish from the land dwellers. It made him sick. Whoever he was…

And later still, we return to the Land of Pulse and Haze so we can rewind a bit. Before all that paint got slopped on his hive and there wasn't a mysterious hole in the side of it. Man how did that hole get made? (I'll give you a hint: it was when Karkat ran **TA**'s cursed ~ATH and his computer blew up. That was what happened. We'll expect to see this happen later. It will be startling and unexpected)

Karkat walked down the stairs in his hive and confronted his custodian, which was another term for a frightening beast known as a Lusus Naturae.

His crustaceous white crab lusus had looked after him since he was very young in lieu of any biological parents, whom he had never known. No young troll ever knew his or her blood parents, nor could such lineage ever be accurately traced. Adult trolls supplied their genetic material to the filial pails carried by imperial drones and offered to the monstrous Mother Grub deep underground in the brooding caverns. She then combined all the genetic material into one diabolical incestuous slurry, and lay hundreds of eggs and once.

The eggs hatched into young larval trolls which wiggled about to locate a cozy stalactite from which to spin their cocoons. After they pupated, the young troll with his or her newfound limbs underwent a series of dangerous trials. If they survived, they were chosen by a member of the diverse and terrifying subterranean monster population native to Alternia. This creature became the troll's lusus, and together they surfaced a chose a location to build a hive. The building process was facilitated by carpenter droids left on the planet to cater to the young. But only for building. But only for building. They were on their own otherwise.

The vast majority of adult trolls were off-planet, serving some role in the forces of ongoing imperial conquest, besieging other star systems in the name of Alternian glory. The culture and civilization on the homeworld was maintained almost entirely by the young.

Wow! Trolls sure were weird.  
Karkat lept into a domestic fray in an attempt to mollify his nannying aggressor. After a lot of kicking and fussing and gnashing of teeth and carapace, he just pulled a few chilled roe cubes from the fridge to settle the beast down.

Trolls and their custodians had a peculiar arrangement of codependence. The lusus behaved as a lifelong bodyguard, caretaker, and visceral sort of mentor, while the young troll had to learn to function as a sort of zookeeper.

This conflict was not a big enough deal to warrant a detailed examination of the action. After all, we are in a bit of a hurry. If you want, you can just close your eyes, and imagine what it must have been like.

Wow, that sure was awesome. Anyway, moving on…


	51. Book 4 Chapter 4: twinArmageddons

Chapter 4: twinArmageddons

In fact, we're in such a hurry, you could almost say we need to get moving… A young troll with four horns and a shirt with the symbol of Gemini stood in his respiteblock. One of his eyes was red and the other was blue. He put his glasses on and finished that first sentence.

"... on the _double_," he said. Okay, so there was this pretty cool dude, ok? Or, at least, some people seemed to think he was cool. Sometimes. He guessed they were right. I mean, maybe. If they said so. Actually, you know what? They were right. This guy was dynamite lit in a box of hot shit. Screw the haters.

Anyway, he was standing around being all chill, like cool dudes were known to do sometimes, when they weren't moping around or nursing migraines or whatever. A cool dude like this probably had a real cool name. Or at least a name that didn't fucking completely suck. Like at least not the kind of name that belonged to someone he'd want to perpetually wail on. Maybe just a name that made him cringe a little, but he guessed he could deal with it if he had to. It was just a guy's name; it wasn't like it really mattered. Who cared? But he probably would just tell you what it was if you asked. He'd be way two moody for that. In fact, this guy probably thought you had some attitude and didn't want a damn thing to do with you. You could always try to guess his name.

"But instead of that," the troll said angrily, "here's a better idea. Why don't you just fuck off and go to hell!"

Okay then, dude. Whatever you say. Here, let's name this kooky broad instead.

She wore a blue helmet over her long, flowing hair, had two sharp teeth, and long eyelashes. Medium-sized pointy horns stuck out of her head. She wore a long green jacket that touched the floor over her black shirt with the green astrological symbol of Leo. A blue tail stuck out through the back of her jacket and she had blue shoes on as well. She was definitely a cat troll.

Okay, what was her name?

Wait… you've got to be kidding me… it looks like the narrative is switching back to that other guy again. Alright, hang on…

It appeared that this cool and moody dude had had a change of heart. He felt pretty bad about flying off the handle like that, as if shit wanted nothing to do with the handle. Shit would like to reconcile with the handle, and perhaps seek marital counseling.

Okay, anyway, what was his name gonna be? Sollux Captor? Yup, that was his name.

Sollux was apeshit bananas at computers, and he knew all the codes. All of them. He was the unchallenged authority on apiculture networking. And though all his friends recognized his unparalleled achievements as a totally sick hacker, he felt like he could do better. It was one of the number of things he sort of beat himself up about for no very good reason during sporadic and debilitating bipolar mood swings.

He had a penchant for bifurcation, in logic and in life. One of his curtains was red and the other blue. Hell, even his recuperacoon had two entrances, one of which contained red slime and the other blue instead of the usual green sopor slime that everyone else had.

Sollux's mutant mind was hounded by the psychic screams of the imminently diseased. His visions foretold of Alternia's looming annihilation, and yet, unlike the typical sightless prophet of doom, he was gifted with vision twofold… for now.

He had developed a new game, adapted via code parsed from the runes and glyphs in an ancient, underground temple. He believe this game to be the salvation of his race, although he didn't know how yet. To ensure success, he'd distribute the game to two teams of friends, a red team and a blue team. He would lead the latter group. His trolltag was **twinArmageddons** and he **tended two 2peak wiith a biit of a lii2p.**

Sollux briefly considered equipping the ninja stars in the back of his respiteblock and allocating them with his strife specibus, but quickly through the idea out the 12-paneled window. A high level psionic had no use for any particular specibus allocation.

He made short work of the specibus and flung the throwing stars to the side. It slashed one of the beehouse mainframes he had in his room. The silicomb had been sliced clean through by his foolish maneuver. What had he been thinking? The worker bees paired up and danced angry message to Sollux in beenary code.

He looked at the honey on his hands, wondering if he could just taste it a bit… No! He did not under any circumstances eat the mind honey. The consequences were highly unpleasant. Sollux cultivated it for his lusus, helping the guardian not be such a complete idiot all the time. Merely most of the time instead.

He 2napped his fingers and the bees all fell asleep.

Sollux sat at his computer. He was always up to his nook in the newest and hottest games. It was hard to walk around the place without squishing the silly grubs. Whenever that happened he was screwed, and he had to grow a new one from scratch. Or just pirate it he guessed.

But tonight was no night for games. Well, ok, it was. But just one game in particular, and this game was no joking matter. It was delirious bugnasty.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**TA: TZ you want two be the leader of one of the team2?**

**GC: YOU M34N FOR YOUR G4M3 TO S4V3 TH3 WORLD?**

**TA: yeah.**

**GC: OK 1 P1CK TH3 R3D T34M! 8D**

**TA: ok ii diidnt 2ay anythiing about a red team, or even that there were two team2, but fiine.**

**GC: OBV1OUSLY YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO S3T UP R3D 4ND BLU3 T34MS COM3 ON**

**TA: you dont know what iim goiing two do, 2top beiing a2 though you can read my miind.**

**TA: iit2 not a power you have, your 2trength2 are beiing bliind and triickiing people about 2tuff.**

**TA: and ii gue22 beiing generally 2avvy and pretty decent at other 2tuff, but that2 why iim piickiing you and not 2ome other fuckiing 2chlub from retardatiion row.**

**GC: SOLLUX, PL34S3**

**GC: YOU 4R3 MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST 4ND 3V3RYON3 KNOWS THOS3 4R3 YOUR F4VOR1T3 FL4VORS**

**GC: 3V3N THOUGH YOU TYP3 1N YUCKY MUST4RD**

**GC: WH1CH 1S W31RD :\**

**TA: maybe there ii2 more two me than you thiink.**

**TA: maybe ii am not the two triick hoofbea2t you want two make me out a2.**

**TA: maybe ii ju2t want two giive the red and blue thiing a re2t for a change and not make iit 2o iit2 liike, oh look iit2 that prediictable fuck wiith tho2e two 2tupiid color2, iit2 amaziing how much everyone fuckiing hate2 hiim.**

**TA: maybe red and blue arent that great and ii hate them 2uddenly, have you thought of that.**

**TA: maybe iim more of an aubergiine guy plu2 whatever that putriid color is you type wiith, what ii2 that, turqoii2e?**

**TA: maybe iit2 makiing me turquea2y.**

**TA: maybe the new name for that color ii2 2ummer 2hiithead mii2t, have you con2iidered that?**

**TA: but iim 2tiickiing wiith red and blue 2o maybe you 2hould 2uck on iit.**

**GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 M4YB3**

**GC: M4YB3 M4YB3 1S 4 STUP1D WORD**

**GC: M4YB3 TH4TS TH3 B1G M4YB3 W3 SHOULD 4LL POND3R TON1GHT**

**GC: OV3R SOM3 HOT SHUT TH3 H3LL UP T34**

**GC: SO YOU TH1NK 1M S4VVY? :]**

**TA: yeah ii thiink 2o.**

**TA: piick out whoever you want for the red team and iill lead the blue team.**

**TA: iill 2end you the download 2oon, talk two you later.**

**GC: W41T!**

**GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD T3LL M3 MOR3 4BOUT TH3 G4M3 F1RST?**

**GC: HOW 3X4CTLY 4R3 W3 S4V1NG TH3 WORLD?**

**TA: ii dont know yet.**

**TA: ii ju2t know what iive 2een iin my vii2iion2.**

**TA: that the world wiill end and our whole race diie2 and thii2 ii2 how we 2ave iit.**

**TA: and aa can back me up on thii2 2o dont be all doubtiing me about iit.**

**GC: 1 4M NOT DOUBT1NG YOU**

**GC: 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 R1GHT!**

**GC: MOSTLY**

**TA: mo2tly, what doe2 that mean?**

**GC: W3LL WH3N YOU T4LK 4BOUT HOW YOUR3 GO1NG TO D13 TOO**

**TA: ii am goiing two diie.**

**TA: ii mean we all are.**

**TA: but e2peciially me.**

**TA: ii am goiing two get my a22 2erved two me twofold.**

**TA: double the 2erviice.**

**TA: liike two dude2 on doublebutler ii2land.**

**TA: gettiing worked over by a 2iiame2e twiin ma22eu2e.**

**TA: but before ii diie, iim goiing two go bliind liike you.**

**TA: iit ha2 two happen liike that.**

**TA: iim not 2ure why, but ii thiink iit2 liike...**

**TA: fulfiilliing 2ome requiirement for a true prophet of doom.**

**TA: iin order for the vii2iion2 two be riight, that ha2 two happen, and the uniiver2e wiill make 2ure iit wiill.**

**TA: iit2 kiind of liike how a prophet earn2 hii2 2triipe2, by beiing bliind, liike how an angel earn2 iit2 wiing2.**

**GC: WH4TS 4N 4NG3L**

**TA: 2ome terriible mythiical demon.**

**TA: wiith the2e awful feathery wiing2.**

**GC: Y1K3S**

**TA: paradox 2pace u2e2 them two u2her iin the end.**

**GC: HOW DO3S 1T KNOW WH4T 4NG3L TO US3... ...**

**TA: huh?**

**GC: :?**

**TA: 2o yeah.**

**TA: we wiill all diie but mo2t e2peciially me, end of 2tory.**

**GC: BUT**

**GC: DONT T4K3 TH1S TH3 WRONG W4Y BUT HOW C4N YOU B3 TOT4LLY SUR3 4BOUT 4LL TH4T?**

**GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW SOM3 OF TH3 R34L V1S1ONS YOUR3 H4V1NG 4R3NT G3TT1NG K1ND OF T4NGL3D UP W1TH UHHH**

**GC: SORT OF TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3 4BOUT YOURS3LF**

**TA: what do you mean.**

**GC: HOW YOU G3T MOP3Y 4ND YOUR3 4LW4YS TH3 V1CT1M OF SOM3TH1NG 4ND HOW SOM3T1M3S YOU TH1NK YOU SUCK WH3N YOU R34LLY DONT**

**GC: M4YB3 TH4T 1S CLOUD1NG YOUR V1S1ON?**

**TA: ok that2 ju2t 2ome per2onal priivate emotiional ii22ue2 and iim dealiing wiith that, and hone2tly iid appreciiate you not alway2 throwiing that iin my face every goddamn opportuniity you get.**

**TA: liike thii2 ii2 a biig ciircu2 act two you, and that ii2 your 2peciial clown piie.**

**GC: S33, GOD**

**GC: SO S3NS1T1V3**

**TA: 2eriiou2ly talk two aa 2he wiill corroborate everythiing.**

**TA: you and 2he are pretty tiight arent you?**

**GC: NOT R34LLY 4NYMOR3**

**GC: SH3 US3D TO B3 4 LOT OF FUN**

**GC: BUT NOW T4LK1NG TO H3R, 1 DONT KNOW**

**GC: 1T JUST SOM3HOW 4LW4YS M4K3S M3 S4D :[**

**TA: ok well toniight2 not about fun, thii2 ii2 2eriiou2.**

**TA: deliiriiou2ly 2o.**

**TA: we are iin 2meariiou2 2hiit2taiin ciity.**

**GC: SCR3W YOU 4ND YOUR SH1TST41NS**

**GC: 1 W1LL H4V3 4 FUCK1NG BL4ST 4ND YOU C4NT STOP M3**

**GC: BLU3 T34M 2222222CUM :]**

**TA: oh 2h11t 11t2 onnnnnn 2uck4.**

The mysterious Aries girl floated to the top of the frog statue and knocked the headless frog to the ground. Okay, that had been completely meaningless. What had been the point of that? Whoever she was…

Sollux looked at his computer. He was being trolled by **AA**.

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**AA: did y0u set up the teams**

**TA: 2tiill workiing on iit but yeah more or le22.**

**TA: we 2hould all be playiing 2oon.**

**TA: and ii gue22 leaviing thii2 diimen2iion.**

**TA: that ii2 what happen2, riight?**

**AA: yes**

**TA: 2o ii gue22 you 2hould be pretty happy when we fiinally get out of here?**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that**

**TA: oh.**

**TA: wiill you at lea2t be able two leave the voiice2 behiind?**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w ab0ut that either**

**TA: ii2nt that kiind of depre22iing?**

**TA: the thought that they miight 2tay wiith you tiil you diie?**

**AA: n0t really**

**AA: im 0k with it**

**AA: im 0k with a l0t 0f things**

**AA: even 0ur inevitable failure**

**AA: th0ugh it will briefly masquerade as vict0ry**

**TA: wow FUCK.**

**TA: that wa2 2o much more depre22iing than the thiing ii ju2t 2aiid.**

**TA: terezii wa2 riight, you are 2uch a drag two talk two the2e day2.**

**AA: she was right ab0ut a l0t 0f things**

**TA: wow what a my2teriiou2 thiing two 2ay, ii am 2o iintriigued.**

**TA: do me a favor and 2pare me your 2pooky conundrum2 twoniight, youre kiind of pii22iing me off.**

**AA: but y0u like t0 talk t0 me**

**AA: this a fact n0t a questi0n**

**AA: they t0ld me**

**TA: oh your 2ource2 have 2poken!**

**TA: relay a me22age for me, tell them two go haunt my huge creakiing bone bulge.**

**AA: why d0 y0u like t0 talk t0 me**

**TA: oh ii dont know, maybe becau2e we are 2uppo2ed two 2ave the world twogether?**

**TA: ii al2o talk two you becau2e iin ca2e you havent notiiced ii de2pii2e my2elf and perpetually 2eek two dupliicate through emotiional paiin the cacophony of phy2iical paiin my hiideou2 mutant braiin cau2e2 me every day.**

**TA: oh my god ii ju2t had a breakthrough!**

**TA: thank you 2o much for thii2, iit wa2 great.**

**TA: that wa2 a joke, here type "ha".**

**AA: ha**

**TA: now type iit agaiin.**

**AA: ha**

**TA: there you go, you are now offiiciially the liife of the party.**

**TA: eheheh ii ju2t took an embarra22iing viideo of you cuttiing loo2e there, boy ii 2ure hope thii2 juiicy nugget doe2nt wiind up on the iinternet!**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: s0llux i actually w0uld like it if you were happy**

**TA: ok. thank you for 2ayiing 2o.**

**AA: y0u seem sad and angry all the time**

**AA: what d0es anger feel like**

**AA: i f0rg0t**

**TA: have you ever been angry?**

**TA: ii dont remember you gettiing angry about anythiing.**

**AA: maybe i never was**

**AA: i feel like i was th0ugh**

**AA: 0nce**

**TA: why dont you a2k karkat, he2 way angriier than me.**

**TA: for that matter why dont you get on HII2 ca2e about iit iin2tead of MIINE.**

**AA: i think his anger serves a greater purp0se**

**AA: its part 0f his destiny and thus 0urs**

**AA: it will help him t0 sab0tage his 0wn designs**

**AA: which are very much in 0pp0siti0n t0 the br0ader purp0se**

**AA: and will s0w the seeds 0f 0ur failure**

**AA: a failure which will ir0nically pr0ve t0 be missi0n critical**

**TA: iif you thiink we are goiing two faiil why wouldnt you get mad about that?**

**TA: at the voiice2 2endiing you down thii2 bliind alley the whole tiime?**

**AA: they never lied th0ugh**

**AA: this is h0w it had t0 be**

**AA: i have t0 be t0tally h0nest**

**AA: th0ugh at n0 p0int did i ever lie**

**AA: but thr0ugh 0missi0n**

**AA: this game will n0t save the w0rld**

**TA: the fuck?**

**AA: and th0ugh it is still very imp0rtant even in 0ur defeat**

**AA: unf0rtantely it is much cl0ser t0 serving as the instrument 0f 0ur pe0ples demise than that 0f their salvati0n**

**AA: and we twelve will behave simultane0usly as the pawns and the 0rchestrat0rs of the great und0ing**

**TA: ii dont want two play anymore then.**

**AA: y0u will th0ugh**

**TA: fuck that ju2t watch, thii2 2hiit ii2 du2ted.**

**TA: check me out, all du2tiing iit liike a 2aucy fuckiin maiid.**

**AA: it cann0t be st0pped**

**AA: mete0rs are en r0ute**

**AA: y0u kn0w this s0llux**

**TA: who care2, iim yankiing the grubtube on thii2 overpunctured biitch.**

**TA: iim telliing red team leader two forget the whole thiing.**

**TA: iim quiittiing a2 blue team leader.**

**TA: iif you want two 2hamble through thii2 macabre fanta2y of your2 2olo be my gue2t.**

**AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be the team leader th0ugh**

**AA: which is t0 say**

**AA: the first t0 enter**

**TA: are you me22iing wiith me?**

**TA: you do realiize iim p2ychiic two.**

**TA: ii could pull 2o much triippy 2hiit out of my 2piinal creviice, iit would make your head 2piin liike dervii2h iin a fuckiing blender.**

**TA: 2o GET OFF YOUR HIIGH HOOFBEA2T.**

**AA: im c0ming up**

**TA: huh?**

**TA: up where.**

**TA: hello?**

Sollux trolled Terezi and Karkat to tell them about the change of plan.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore.**

**TA: you dont have two bother recruiitiing, 2orry two wa2te your tiime.**

**GC: 1M NOT TH3 L34D3R 4NYMOR3**

**GC: K4RK4T 1S**

**TA: he ii2?**

**GC: H3 THR3W 4 T4NTRUM 4BOUT 1T SO 1 L3T H1M B3 TH3 R3D L34D3R**

**TA: ok that wa2 faiirly prediictable but that2 fiine.**

**TA: iill talk two hiim about iit.**

**GC: WH4TS GO1NG ON?**

**TA: nothiing, thii2 game 2uck2 and aa ii2 full of crap.**

**TA: 2orry about all thii2.**

**GC: :?**

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**TA: hey change of plan, we arent playiing thii2 game anymore.**

**CG: HEY.**

**CG: GUESS WHO THE RED LEADER IS?**

**CG: I'M THE LEADER. IT'S ME.**

**CG: YOUR PLAN TO CRIPPLE YOUR RIVAL TEAM HAS FAILED.**

**TA: ii know, 2he told me, ii dont care.**

**TA: the game ii2 bad new2, iit wiill cau2e the end of the world, not 2top iit.**

**TA: 2o forget iit, ju2t go back two whatever you were doiing.**

**TA: wriitiing your 2hiitty code or whatever.**

**CG: HAHAHA! SO PATHETIC.**

**CG: THIS IS YET ANOTHER FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO WEAKEN YOUR OPPOSITION.**

**CG: TEREZI AND I HAVE ALREADY ESTABLISHED A CONNECTION AND WE ARE MAKING GREAT PROGRESS HERE.**

**CG: WE ARE A GREAT TEAM, AND I AM A FANTASTIC LEADER.**

**CG: WE WILL BEAT THIS GAME IN NO TIME, WHILE YOUR TEAM IS CLEARLY STILL ASLEEP AT THE THORAX.**

**TA: oh god.**

**TA: no you iidiiot, ii dont care about the game anymore.**

**TA: ii ju2t quiit, iim not playiing, you 2hould two.**

**CG: AMAZING.**

**CG: YOU'RE EITHER BEING REALLY PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE, OR YOU REALLY ARE JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT.**

**CG: NEITHER CASE DESERVES MY RESPECT OR MY FRIENDSHIP.**

**CG: IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT, FRIENDSHIP CANCELED.**

**CG: THERE IT'S OFFICIAL, BYE BYE FRIENDSHIP!**

**TA: oh liike you havent 2aiid that liike a biilliion tiime2.**

**TA: you arent iin any po2iitiion two que2tiion my competence.**

**TA: youre the wor2t programmer iive ever 2een, you dont know anythiing about computer2, why do you bother.**

**TA: the only thiing youre good at ii2 yelliing and makiing huge mii2take2.**

**TA: and beiing UGLY AND HORRIIBLE IN EVERY WAY, AND HAVIING 2TUPIID LIITTLE NUBBY HORN2.**

**CG: TO BE HONEST I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT YOUR PROGRAMMING OR HACKING.**

**CG: WHAT IS A HACKER EVEN? JUST SOME SMUG ASSHOLE IN MOVIES DOING FAKE THINGS AND MAKING UP WORDS.**

**CG: IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL THING TO BE, IT'S JUST SOME BULLSHIT TITLE YOU GAVE YOURSELF SO YOU CAN FEEL JUST A TINY BIT LESS LOATHESOME.**

**TA: oh no, more chiildii2h burn2, ii dont have two prove anythiing two you, iim a great hacker, periiod.**

**CG: NO IT'S ALL SO CLEAR NOW, YOU WERE A FRAUD ALL ALONG.**

**CG: WHAT DOES ALL THIS NONSENSICAL CODE YOU WROTE EVEN DO?**

**CG: IT'S ALL NONSENSE.**

**CG: LIKE A BLUFF. YOU JUST SAY, OH KARKAT WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT I WROTE IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE HE'S TOO DUMB TO FIGURE IT OUT.**

**CG: WELL YOU'RE BUSTED, THESE VIRUSES HERE I BET DO NOTHING AT ALL.**

**TA: waiit, KK...**

**CG: I BET IF I RAN THEM NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN.**

**CG: MIGHT EVEN IMPROVE MY COMPUTER'S PERFORMANCE!**

**TA: no don't.**

**CG: HOW ABOUT THIS IDIOTIC PROGRAM WITH THE RED AND BLUE CODE, WHICH IS A MEANINGLESS THING TO DO WITH CODE ANYWAY.**

**CG: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SCAMS.**

**CG: WHY NOT SNEAK SOME BAD CLIP ART INTO THE FILES TOO, AND PRETEND THAT'S CODE?**

**TA: oh god, no dont run that, iim 2eriiou2.**

**CG: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?**

**TA: iim not 2ure, but iit would be really, really bad iif you ran iit, ju2t dont.**

**CG: AH HA. JUST AS I THOUGHT, YOU CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A GOOD LIE WHEN I PRESS YOU ON IT.**

**CG: YOUR BLUFF HAS BEEN CALLED.**

**CG: COMPILING AS WE SPEAK, IT WILL AUTORUN WHEN IT FINISHES.**

**CG: AND NOW I HAVE TO GO ATTEND TO SOMETHING OUTSIDE, BECAUSE TEREZI IS DOING SOMETHING JUST UNSPEAKABLY STUPID RIGHT NOW.**

**CG: WHOOPS, FORGET I SAID THAT. IT WAS PRIVILEGED INFORMATION.**

**TA: you are the dumbe2t grubfucker on the planet, ii 2wear.**

**CG: LATER DOUCHE BAG.**

**TA: KK DO NOT RUN THAT CODE.**

**TA: hello?**

**carcinoGeneticist's [CG'S]** **computer exploded. **

**TA: oh my god.**

Karkat walked out onto where the Alchemiter sat and looked out to the toilet far out in the lava. Suddenly the entire house shook with the force of an explosion. We are highly shocked by this totally unexpected new development.

The troll boy walked down to the front of his house and looked sadly at his dead lusus lying on the ground. The unprototyped kernelsprite flew above him and spouted gibberish, but Karkat didn't pay attention.

He and his friends and everyone they would ever meet thereafter would experience great misfortune on account of the curse unwittingly implemented through Sollux's esoteric Mobius Double Reacharound virus.

Every troll's lusus would soon die. All but one of their kernelsprites would be prototyped with a dead lusus, each prior to entering the Medium. Upon entry, they would each have a bittersweet reunion with the creature after the kernel hatched, triggering the sprite's metamorphosis. For the first time, the trolls would be able to have verbal conversations with their custodians, and would be guided by them along their journeys.

Unfortunately, the underlings and the warring royalty would gain the benefits of the monstrous prototypings as well. Each sprite, except for one, would only be prototyped once. The players would learn quickly that while one pre-entry prototyping per player was absolutely necessary for ultimate success, additional pre-entry prototypings merely empowered their enemies unnecessarily.

Elsewhere, on a beach, Gamzee nuzzled his dead sea goat custodian's head affectionately.

The game had no explicit rule that demanded something dead for prototyping, but in practice, the kernelsprite had particular attraction to the deceased or doomed. Across every session ever played, exceptions to this pattern were extremely rare.

Sollux smashed his fist against the side of his head. Why had he even sent Karkat that code to begin with? It'd been such a bad idea. He supposed it had been a boastful gesture to get a friend to think more highly of him. But why would flaunting his superior skills accomplish this? It was foolish.

He ought to wipe all these clever viruses he'd written off his computer. They could only bring more trouble.

While deleting his virus folders, he paused on one oddball file he had lying around. He had not written this virus. Rather, he'd copied it from some obscure server, far beyond his planet's global network. This application was running on that server perpetually. It read:

import universe(U);

~ATH(U) {

} EXECUTE(X);

();

Except where it says "X" as the executable program, his screen instead showed a .gif file that flipped through all of the pool balls from 1 to 15.

The program itself was extremely simple. Its main loop was tied to the lifespan of the universe. When the universe died, the mysterious subprogram, X, would be executed. Sollux had no way of knowing what that subprogram did. It ran on a protected part of the server that was completely unhackable.

He deleted the file, but it didn't do much good. The program was already running elsewhere. Luckily, whatever harm it would do would not be done for many billions of years. And even after that, what harm could a virus do after the expiration of the universe? This file had always struck Sollux as quite odd.

But Sollux, even with his vision twofold, did not have the perceptional luxuries of our vision omnipresent. We observe the Furthest Ring and, within it, a small green remote control with the image of the pool balls.

When executed, this remote would summon an indestructible demon into the roughly voided universe. This monstrous being with the power to travel through time was inconvenienced very little by his arrival upon The Great Undoing. He had the entire cadaver of the expired universe to pick apart at his whim. From its birth through its swelling maturity and tapering decay. In a reality, he was known to have marked for predation, he would go about assembling followers through various epochs, even going as far as personally establishing the parameters for his future summoning.

Sollux couldn't have known that the virus was essentially a formality. The demon was already here.

Sollux looked up at his ceiling as some mumbling resonated from above. It sounded like his lusus was agitated about something up there. The troll had already given him his serving of honey for today. If he thought he could get more, well that was just being greedy. Sollux wondered what could be bothering him.

He kept his enormous biclops chained to the roof of his communal hive stem. It was the only place there was room for him. Dueling with him on the roof during feeding time was a daily ordeal.

The biclops growled suspiciously as a troll girl with a red symbol of Aries on her shirt floated up to where he stood on the roof.

Suddenly, the narrative shifted to one of the five unknown troll girls. This one's horn was slightly crooked and had thick black eyeliner and black lipstick. Her black shirt had a green symbol of Virgo on it, and she had a red skirt on as well. She held a chainsaw in one hand and she stood on her flying Mother Grub lusus.

She was positioned near her white tower, which was somewhat like Jade's, in her oasis next to the ruins of an ancient civilization.

Suddenly, the narrative shifted _yet again_ away from the girl (or any of the other five, for that matter) to a strange guy sitting in a wheelchair.


	52. Book 4 Chapter 5: adiosToreador

Chapter 5: adiosToreador

The dude in the four-wheeled device had two large horns that stuck far out to the sides and then went up like a bulls'. He wore a black jacket over his shirt, which had an orange astrological symbol of Taurus on it. And as it so happened, his name was similar to Taurus. It was Tavros Nitram.

Tavros was known to be heavily arrested by fairy tales and fantasy stories. He had an acute ability to commune with the many creatures of Alternia, a skill he'd utilized to capture and train a great many. They were all his friends, as well as his warriors, which he pitted in battle against each other through a variety of related card and role playing games. He'd engaged in various forms of more extreme role playing with of his friends before he'd had an accident.

He also liked to engage in the noble practice of Alternian slam poetry, possibly the oldest, most revered, and certainly the freshest artform in his planet's rich history. He had a profound fascination with the concept of flight, and all lore surround the topic. He believed in fairies as well, although they weren't real. His trolltag was **adiosToreador**, and he **uHH, sPOKE IN A SORT OF, uHH, fALTERING MANNER,**

Tavros cut to the chase and kickstarted a rousing match of Fiduspawn, with the only friend he had to play with in person, his loyal lusus Tinkerbull. The white monster was about the size of his head.

He looked at the favorable hand he'd dealt himself and cracked a mischievous smile. With a host plush at the ready, he quickly lobbed an Oogonibomb and caught his adversary off guard! The bomb landed the ground with a "pyoof" and cracked open. A purple spider creature emerged from the slimy wreckage and lunged at an orange-and-red bear called a host plush. It latched on to the thing and inserted its eggs inside. The plush grew and its stomach began to bulge before bursting open and revealing another purple creature. This one was horse-like.

"Horsaroni, I choose you!" he exclaimed excitedly. With a brooding whinny, Horsaroni shuffled his mighty purple hooves and made short work of the spider, called a fidusucker. It boosted the horse's vitals! Horsaroni was now primed and ready for battle. "Look out Tinkerbull!"

Tavros used his awesome bestial communion abilities and bent the ferocious stallion to his whim. Tinkerbull couldn't stand the suspense! Horsaroni reared as if to attack, but then curled up on the floor. Nap time! Tinkerbull joined him as well. Everybody won. Horsaroni gained a bunch of levels. In no time he'd be ready to breed and Tavros could put him out to stud.

Tavros clapped appreciatively. "Good game, everyone," he said. "That was a lot of fun." Time to do some other stuff, he guessed.

He rolled up the ramp that he used to get up to his recuperacoon when it was time to rest. Because he was paralyzed from the waist down, it was kind of a production getting in and out. He hopped in, but his huge horns got caught on the edges of the entrance hole, as usual. He could never fit all the way in, which made it difficult to get some solid shuteye.

Oh great, now he was covered in slime. Why had he done this? He was going to have to change his clothes. Another solid hour, down the tubes. Aw damn. And there went his four wheel device down the ramp. That happened a lot.

A bit later, after a major cleanup rigmarole and a lot of crawling around his respiteblock, Tavros was back in his wheelchair. He grabbed his jousting lance and put it in his lancekind specibus.

He liked to practice his jousting outside. One day he hoped to prove himself worthy of recruitment into the halls of the dreaded Cavalreapers. Assuming he wasn't slated for culling first on account of his disability. Or really any other arbitrary reason.

Someone was trolling him, but he didn't notice.

He wheeled over to his favorite poster featuring Pupa Pan, which was his favorite thing. He'd always fantasized that one day intrepid young Pupa would come and take him away and together they'd fly to a beautiful paradise planet of legend, that had all sorts of fanciful stuff like pirates, treasure, a cruel villain with a missing arm and a missing eye, and these weird aliens called "indians." He'd left his window open since he was very young, just in case Pupa stopped by one night and decided to splash a pinch of Special Stardust in his face. He'd had this interest long prior to his accident. Being paralyzed wasn't what had made his want to be able to fly. That would have been dumb and it made no sense. Being paralyzed did sort of make him want to be able to walk, though.

Way in the future, Tavros stood in a computer lab. Over the course of his long journey, at one point he'd been fitted with a cool pair of robolegs. The guy who liked to build robots had built them for him. But then, he did like to break them more than he liked to build them. It was usually why he built them in the first place. Occasionally, though, he allowed philanthropy to override misanthrobopy.

He'd been lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of his best interest. A smiling but still crippled Tavros lay on the ground, a smile on his face, unbothered by the sound of a chainsaw roaring. A troll girl in a red skirt and with one droopy horn stood over him with the weapon in hand. Behind both of them, a pair of shades belonging to a troll with a dark blue zodiac symbol of Sagittarius watched as the troll girl cut the sleeping Tavros's legs off. This was the troll who liked to build robots. It always made everyone uncomfortable whenever he would just stand there. And watch.

Sometime in the future (more specifically exactly at the time mentioned in the first paragraph), in the computer lab, Tavros was surrounded by three of his friends. They were all talking feverishly. They were comprised of Gamzee, Karkat, and the cat troll girl that the narrative had shifted to before Sollux's introduction. Who was she?

The narrative cut back to the cat troll girl. Okay. Good. Now what was her name?

Oh god, another shift. Back to Tavros. In the past again. Right, someone had been bothering him on Trollian.

Before having his robolegs… installed, he'd had to scoot around in his wheel device throughout the worlds of The Medium. He'd had to endure all sorts of follies related to his disability, which on account of their great plurality and marginal relevance we will not get to see. Just as well, probably.

Oh wow, someone else was trolling him now too. See? This was what happened when he spaced out and contemplated the future like that. The messages started to pile up.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: Taaaaaaaavros.**

**AT: hEY,**

**AG: Red team is going to 8ite the dust!**

**AG: And I know you are on the red team.**

**AT: wHOA, rEALLY,**

**AG: Yeah, you totally are.**

**AG: My team's got no use for a 8oy that can't make no use of his legs!**

**AG: You were f8ed for a team of losers, full of 8lind girls and lame 8oys and cranky iiiiiiiim8eciles.**

**AG: ::::)**

**AT: oK, yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT ABOUT THAT,**

**AT: bUT i SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU,**

**AG: Oh?**

**AT: i PROMISED I WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE,**

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat. Promised who?**

**AT: rUFIO,**

**AG: Omg, who's that?**

**AG: I h8 this guy already!**

**AT: hE'S, uHH,**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: sOMEONE SAID i SHOULD GIVE MY SELF ESTEEM A NAME,**

**AT: aND TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT i SAY, tO MAKE SURE i DON'T HURT HIS FEELINGS,**

**AG: Haha! So he's imaginary! A fake.**

**AG: Like a made up friend, the way fairies are.**

**AG: Made up make believe fakey fake fakes.**

**AG: Who told you to do something so fraudulent?**

**AT: gA,**

**AT: bUT i DON'T KNOW IF SHE WAS JOKING ABOUT IT,**

**AT: iT MIGHT BE A JOKE, uHH, i DON'T KNOW, bUT i DID IT ANYWAY,**

**AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, what a meddler.**

**AG: I h8 her meddling! Why is she always meddling?**

**AG: I don't know if it was a joke, 8ut man.**

**AT: uH,**

**AG: I don't think it was a joke. It was more like...**

**AG: Ok, complete this analogy.**

**AG: Laughing is to a joke as meddling is to ...?**

**AT: uUHHH,**

**AG: Exactly! That's what she just did to you.**

**AG: It is worse than a joke. It is worse than anything you can do.**

**AG: Next time tell her to can it! That's what I do.**

**AG: But she keeps 8ugging me. 8ugging and fussing and meddling. What's her deal!**

**AG: I guess it's flattering that she wants to talk to me so much though. I guess I don't mind. It's cool.**

**AG: Anyway Tavros, you've been amazingly 8oring as usual, so I'm going to go.**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AG: This show needs to get on the freaking road.**

**AG: 8elieve it or not, the 8lue team doesn't have a single player in the session yet!**

**AG: While you guys have like two or three or such!**

**AG: Un8elievable, I wonder what the holdup is. Oh well, let's face it! You guys need the head start.**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: Ok, anyway, good luck to you. It will be just like old tiiiiiiiimes.**

**AG: :::;)**

**AG: Adios, Toreasnore!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AT: bYE,**

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**TC: mOtHeRfUcK mY bRoThEr, Im So SoRrY i KiNd Of ZoNeD oUt ThErE.**

**AT: hI, tHAT'S OK.**

**AT: i WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO NOT BE ZONED OUT FOR ANY REASON.**

**AT: sO i GUESS, i DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR APOLOGY.**

**TC: AlRiGhT, fUcK yEaH, iT's AlL gOoD aNyWaY.**

**TC: i JuSt ZoNeD oUt WhEn I wAs SuPpOsEd To Be AlL aBoUt BeInG tO tElL yOu YoU'rE aLl On My TeAm.**

**AT: uH, yEAH, tHE RED TEAM YOU MEAN,**

**TC: ShIt MoThErFuCkIn YeAh My WiCkEd MoThErFuCkEr!**

**TC: :o) hOnK hOnK hOnK**

**AT: oK, tHAT'S GREAT, i JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS,**

**AT: fROM SOMEONE i DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT,**

**AT: bUT IT STILL BASICALLY QUALIFIES AS GOOD NEWS,**

**TC: :o) HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk**

**AT: }:o), hEH,**

**TC: hAhAh FuUuUuCk, YoU sToLe My FuCkIn NoSe BrO!**

**TC: WhAt GoT yOu EvEn Up ThE gUmPtIoN tO aLl FuCkIn Do ThE sHiT lIkE tHaT?**

**AT: eRR, i DON'T KNOW, iT'S JUST,**

**AT: kIND OF THE OBVIOUS THING TO DO,**

**AT: sTICK THE CIRCLE IN FRONT OF THE DOTS, aND, bEHIND THE BENDY ONE,**

**AT: pLUS, oH YEAH, mY HORNS,**

**TC: hAhAhAhA.**

**AT: mAYBE WE CAN SLAM ABOUT IT,**

**TC: YeAh, I cOuLd KiCk ThE sHiT oUt Of SoMe RhYmEs BrO.**

**TC: aLl StIr Up SoMe FuCkIn HeLl MiRtH aNd RiP oPeN a FuCkIn BaG oF hArShWhImSy.**

**AT: yEAHHH, yOU CAN TALK ABOUT THE CLOWN THINGS, wHICH,**

**AT: i DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND EVER, bUT THAT'S OKAY,**

**AT: bECAUSE IT'S KIND OF FUNNY,**

**AT: wHEREAS, i'LL ADDRESS SOME TOPICS PERTAINING TO MY INTERESTS,**

**AT: aND i GUESS, pERSONAL MOTIFS,**

**TC: YeAh! FuCk YeAh, ThAt Be HoW sHiT's AlL uSuAlLy Up AnD fUcKiN lOcKeD bRo.**

**TC: bUt FiRsT hErE's ThE tHiNg WiTh ThE gAmE.**

**AT: oH YEAH, i ALMOST FORGOT, aBOUT,**

**AT: tHE RED TEAM GAME,**

**TC: YeAh Ok If I rEmEmBeR rIgHt ThIs Is HoW wE'rE jUgGlInG tHiS sHiT.**

**TC: lOt'S oF fUcKiN bAlLs In ThE aIr, HaHaHa.**

**TC: TeReZi CoNnEcTeD tO kArKaT, sO hE's FuCkIn ChIlL.**

**TC: tHeN i'M sUpPoSeD tO cOnNeCt To HeR sOoN tO gEt HeR aLl ChIlL tOo.**

**TC: BuT sHe'S iN tHe WoOdS dOiNg SoMeThInG.**

**TC: wHeN sHe CoMeS bAcK sHe StArTs PlAyInG.**

**TC: So In ThE mEaN mOtHeRfUcKiN tImE i'M sUpPoSeD tO gEt YoU tO cOnNeCt To Me.**

**TC: bUt I fUcKiN sPaCeD oUt AnD fOrGoT.**

**TC: BeCaUsE i GuEsS i WaS wAy ToO mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl AlL uP iN tHiS sHiT, hAhAhAhAhA!**

**AT: yEAH, i UNDERSTAND,**

**TC: sO jUsT dOwNlOaD tHiS mOtHeRfUcKeR i'M sEnDiNg YoU sO wE cAn KiCk ThIs BiTcH dOwN tHe StAiRs.**

**AT: oKAY, i'LL DO THAT, aND,**

**AT: iN THE MEANTIME, sHALL i,**

**AT: cUE UP THE,**

**AT: sTRICT BEATS? }:D**

**TC: AwWwWw BrOtHeR nOw YoU aLl FuCk AnD uP aNd DoNe It.**

**TC: yOu ArE fUcKiN wHeEl DeEp In A bIg SlOpPy MaSsAcRe PiE tOpPeD wItH mOtHeRfUcKiN wHiPpEd RhYmE.**

**TC: HoW sTrIcT aRe ThOsE bEaTs At, MoThErFuCkEr?**

**AT: wELL, i,**

**AT: tURNED UP THOSE BITCHES TO PRETTY STERN,**

**AT: sET BEATS TO LECTURE, aND, i'M KIND OF GOING HOG WILD ON THE CURMUDGEON KNOB,**

**AT: wHICH, i HAD RECENTLY INSTALLED,**

**TC: gOd DaMn!**

**TC: TeLl Me MoRe WhIlE i GeT mY rEaCh On FoR tHiS fRoStY bReW.**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: iMAGINE AN ARRAY OF BEATS THAT SET LIMITS,**

**AT: tHEY GOT A RULEBOOK, iT DOESN'T PAY TO SKIM IT,**

**AT: bECAUSE, tHERE'S NOT A LOT OF LATITUDE,**

**AT: tHEY WON'T STAND FOR AN ATTITUDE,**

**AT: aND, cROSSING THEM'S A HABIT YOU'D,**

**AT: (nOT REALLY WANT TO GET INTO BECAUSE, uHH),**

**AT: tHEY'D GET PRETTY MAD AT YOU,**

**TC: fUuUuCk, So FuCkIn FrEsH.**

**TC: YoU nEeD tO bE sLaPpEd FuCkIn SiLlY wItH a MoUtH lIkE tHaT! hAhA.**

**AT: aND, iF YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT,**

**AT: tHEN i SUGGEST YOU GO AND RAP IT DUDE,**

**TC: oK i WiLl.**

**TC: JuSt LeT mE sNeAk Up On ThIs BoTtLe Of FaYgO aNd SnAp ItS nEcK lIkE iM a FuCkIn LaUgHsSaSsIn.**

**TC: oK.**

**TC: ArE tHoSe BeAtS sTiLl ChIlL?**

**AT: yEAH,**

**TC: aRe ThEy MoThErFuCkIn StRiCt?**

**AT: yEAHHHHH,**

**TC: AiGhT.**

**TC: cRaCk...**

**TC: HiSsSsSsSsSsSsSs.**

**TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN kIcK iT!**

Tavros and Gamzee then proceeded to have one of the worst rap-offs in the history of Paradox Space.

Terezi made her way through the burning woods around her house to meet the lusus she'd never had. It was time for her lusus to hatch. It was now or never.

Since the world was about to end anyway, Terezi supposed it no longer mattered if the doomsday scale was tipped. One side of the scale had an egg on it and the other the old skull of an ancient Mother Grub who'd been slain thousands of solar sweeps ago. The skull hovered over a large black button on a device with a spirograph on it.

The egg contained a rare species of dragon which remained blind until maturity, using its other senses to survive. It had balanced the skull here for millennia, waiting for the warmth of a meteor-sparked forest fire before hatching. Oh, and in case it hadn't been clear, dragons were real.

While the dragon lusus had slumbered away in her egg, she had communicated with Terezi while the troll girl was asleep. And after Terezi's accident, the lusus had used her dreams to teach her to detect the world around her without vision.

As she had learned, her dreams had become strikingly more vivid. Where before there'd been darkness, odors and flavors painted a striking picture. Terezi had found herself surrounded by the bright honey walls of a golden kingdom, and in the sky was a huge tasty ball of blue cotton candy, which was this sweet troll delicacy that we wouldn't know anything about. The first time she'd glimpsed this world in her dreams, there'd been no turning back.

The young dragon lusus hatched from her egg, tipping the scale and lowering the skull onto the button. The lusus would take to the skies and promptly get herself killed. This would have been much more shocking and maybe a little more sad if we didn't already know it was going to happen. _We_ already knew this, but Terezi didn't.

The dragon took to the skies. Suddenly, a meteor crashed into her and she fell to the treehouse, dead. See, for us it was an unsurprising development because I explained this all a paragraph ago, but Terezi was in genuine distress. The dragon had never smelled it coming!

Thankfully, though, because the dragon had landed in Terezi's treehouse, she'd be scooped up by her sympathetic ally, the leetspeaking troll, and deposited into her kernelsprite. Then they could talk to each other! There would be plenty to discuss.

The doomsday device that had just been started by the tip of the scale counted down from 6 minutes and 12 seconds. This was the amount of time Terezi had to get back to her hive and enter The Medium before the entire forest was destroyed.

At the time, it didn't occur to her to wonder whether the device was directly responsible for the apocalypse, or merely served as its precisely calibrated harbinger. And it certainly didn't occur to her to cast doubt on any perceived difference between the two. It didn't until later, when she better understood the game she was about to play.


	53. Book 4 Chapter 6: apocalypseArisen

Chapter 6: apocalypseArisen

The narrative shifted to the other troll girl again… no, wait, that was the one with the Virgo shirt, right? Then this was the _other_ other girl, the one with the Aries shirt floating around in the frog ruins. Who was this spooky lady anyway?

Her name was Aradia Megido. She stood in a cave, far from her respiteblock so it was hard to examine her interests, but she strove to remember. She had a number of interests… or, she had had a number of them. In time she'd lost interest in most of them. She seemed to recollect once having a particular fondness for archaeology, though now she had trouble recalling this passion. Nonetheless, this passion had led her to find her present calling, which had come through the discovery of these mystic ruins upon which she presently stood, and which she'd recently desecrated out of boredom.

Guiding Aradia to this calling had been the voices of the dead, which she'd been able to hear since she'd been young. The voices had become louder now that The Great Undoing was approaching. This trend in escalation had begun after an accident involving a certain kind of role playing, which might have been another of her interests once upon a time. It didn't matter much anymore, though.

The aforementioned accident had resulted in the death of her lusus, which had prompted her to leave her home and take up these ruins as residence. On the instruction of her ancestors, she'd recovered mysterious technology from the ruins, and had convinced to adapt it into a game that would bring about the destruction of her civilization. And by convinced, she supposed she meant tricked.

Sollux had tentatively named the game SGRUB, which was a word that was not too terribly elegant. If it were marketed by a legitimate game company instead of rapidly patched together by a young hacker, it would ostensibly be given a better title. Sollux was presently mobilizing twelve friends to play it, including him and Aradia herself. He believed he'd lead the blue team, but that was where he was wrong.

Aradia's trolltag was **apocalypseArisen**and there was typically a**pr0n0unced h0ll0wness t0 her w0rds.**

She tried to retrieve her computer, but it wasn't up to her to decide what she took out of her sylladex. It was up to the spirits because she had a ouija modus. Oh very good, it looked like the spirits were being cooperative, if a bit cryptic as usual, today. She retrieved the computer from her sylladex.

Aradia had found the baffling artifact of a computer some time ago on one of her digs. The creature on its facade was completely mystifying. It would have looked like Bing Crosby if there had been a Bing Crosby on Alternia (which there had been, for convenient reference, but Aradia didn't remember a lot about pop culture). She had taken to using this computer as her primary computing device on account of its bizarre novelty, as well as its convenient portability.

Oh, look who was bothering her. It was **GA** again. That girl was always bugging her. Bugging and fussing and meddling. What was her deal! Aradia guessed it was flattering that she wanted to talk to her so much though. Aradia was okay with it. She was okay with a lot of things.

**grimAuxiliatrix [GA]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**GA: Hi Again Aradia**

**AA: 0h n0000000**

**GA: So I Guess Tonight Is The Night You Blow Everything Up**

**AA: 0_0**

**GA: Is There Nothing I Can Do To Change Your Mind**

**AA: n0**

**AA: 0r yes**

**AA: yes theres n0thing**

**AA: and n0 y0u cant**

**AA: but y0u sh0uldnt pretend as if y0u believe this has anything t0 d0 with the state 0f my mind**

**AA: 0r the decisi0ns it will make 0r has already made**

**GA: Yeah I Guess Not**

**GA: I Thought Id Be Friendly Though**

**GA: And Remind You That You Do In Fact Have A Hand In All The Terrible Things That Are About To Happen**

**GA: Because Thats What Friends Are For**

**GA: And The Fact That What Ensues Will Be Terrible**

**GA: Is An Immutable Fact I Am Stating For The Record**

**GA: And The Fact That We Will Not Be On The Same Team Is Similarly Immutable**

**GA: It Does Not Mean That Teamwork Is What Isnt Taking Place Here**

**AA: s0rry i didnt f0ll0w that**

**GA: Ill Be Here To Help**

**GA: If You Need Me**

**AA: 0k**

**AA: thanks**

Tick tock tick tock tick tock… god. Waiting for the apocalypse was so b00000ring. Aradia guessed she'd check on Sollux and see how the teams were coming along.

She then had a conversation we've already read, which began like this:

**AA: did y0u set up the teams**

And ended like this:

**AA: im c0ming up**

And then Aradia had gone up.

Aradia lifted Sollux's biclops lusus with her magical telekinetic powers and… oh, hold on. She had to deal with another one of these dolts. Hmm… she wondered what **AG **wanted. What was it with all these girls bugging her? Bugging and fussing and meddling.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiia!**

**AA: 0h b0y thats way t00 many of the same letter in a r0w twice**

**AG: I know!**

**AG: So we're a8out to get started right?**

**AG: Have you tricked Sollux yet?**

**AG: Do you have Mr. Two Eyes all 8efuddled and flustered in your we8 of lies?**

**AG: Or Mr. Four Eyes?**

**AG: Hmmmmmmmmm.**

**AG: I don't know. Which nickname do you think would 8e suita8ly derogatory in this case Aradia?**

**AA: h0w ab0ut**

**AA: eight eyes**

**AA: minus seven**

**AG: ::::P**

**AA: i didnt trick him**

**AA: its n0t like that**

**AG: Ok, whatever. The point is.**

**AG: Once you have pulled the finely woven silken mesh over his dum8 different colored eyes, you and I will start playing the game and 8e the 8lue team leaders.**

**AG: That's how this will work right?**

**AG: Wait do you mind if we are co-leaders? I forgot to ask! I just assumed it was ok with you.**

**AA: i d0nt care**

**AG: Great. That's the spirit!**

**AG: And when I 8ring you into the game, whatever the hell that means, then we can send each other stuff right? That is how this works right?**

**AA: yes**

**AG: Awesome!**

**AG: 8ecause I have a present for you. It's a surprise, and it's going to 8e great. From me to you.**

**AG: Just from me. From me alone and no8ody else.**

**AG: I can't wait to see the look on your face when you see.**

**AA: 0k well im sure it will be very th0ughtful**

**AG: Hey speaking of which, what will the name of our team 8e?**

**AA: uh**

**AA: the blue team**

**AG: No no no no no. I know that.**

**AG: I mean the name of OUR team. You and me. Just uuuuuuuus.**

**AG: ::::)**

**AA: i havent given it any th0ught**

**AA: n0r did i think such a thing was up f0r c0nsiderati0n**

**AA: but if y0u want t0 pretend we b0th have a separate team t0gether**

**AA: and name that team**

**AA: then kn0ck y0urself 0ut**

**AG: I just thought it would 8e really fitting.**

**AG: Kind of like a fresh start, you know?**

**AG: I don't know, what are our shared interests? I guess I never really thought a8out this! I guess I'm used to thinking of you as the enemy. There must 8e some overlap in profiles.**

**AG: Come oooooooon, let's 8rainstorm!**

**AA: 0_0**

**AG: Man, it'll 8e great. We'll 8e unstoppa8le. Surely you must admit it will 8e nice to re8ound from the Team Charge de8acle!**

**AA: i never think ab0ut that anym0re**

**AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, I'm so dum8! Here I am running my mouth and opening up old wounds, while at the very same time trying to make amends! What an idiot.**

**AA: its 0k**

**AG: Hey speaking of which, that loser isn't going to 8e on the 8lue team is he?**

**AA: which l0ser**

**AG: Your old team 8uddy!**

**AA: n0**

**AG: Oh thank fucking goodness! Talk a8out dead weight. You made the right choice, leader! I mean co-leader.**

**AA: i didnt exclude him f0r that reas0n**

**AA: 0r at all**

**AA: y0ure just n0t getting it**

**AA: y0u never listen**

**AG: Man, now I've got this huge 8eefgrub lodged in my nook just thinking a8out him.**

**AG: I'm going to go give him a hard time.**

**AG: Let me know when you're live! Later.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AA: d0nt d0 that its really childish**

**AA: uh w0w**

The narrative attempted to shift to the mysterious spider girl and failed. She was way too mysterious to have the narrative be shifted to her yet. Seriously, what was up with those glasses? One side was see-through and the other pitch black. And what was up with that robo-arm? What was her deal?

"I guess it's flattering that you want to shift to me though," she said, smashing a bit of the glass in the fourth wall and looking through to Andrew Hussie (metaphorically of course). "I don't mind. It's cool." Okay, we'll learn all about her a bit later. In the meantime, let's check out what's going on with Aradia and Sollux.

**twinArmageddons [TA]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**TA: aradiia ii would liike two apologiize, ii flew off the handle there.**

**TA: iit wa2 liike the handle wa2 a bald guy goiing really fa2t, and ii wa2 hii2 twoupee.**

**TA: 2o iim 2orry, iit wa2 my fault.**

**AA: its 0k**

**TA: ii hope we are 2tiill friiend2.**

**AA: yes we are**

**TA: 2o anyway, ii thiink even though ii quiit a2 leader iim 2tiill goiing two play the game now.**

**TA: becau2e iit2 eiither that or get totally creamed by all the2e fuckiing 2pace boulder2.**

**TA: hey maybe we can make the be2t of the game anyway, even though ii guess we are goiing two lo2e.**

**AA: n0 im s0rry**

**AA: y0u cant s0llux**

**AA: n0t yet**

**TA: oh my god!**

**TA: youre goiing two giive me 2hiit agaiin?**

**TA: after ii crawled on my belly liike that all groveliing at you.**

**TA: liike 2ome low cla22 guy wiith... whatever color blood ii2 lower on the hiierarchy than miine.**

**TA: what2 wor2e than yellow?**

**TA: fuck thii2 confu2iing ca2te 2y2tem.**

**TA: anyway 2crew you, iim playiing thii2 game riight now.**

**AA: n0 y0ure n0t**

**AA: trust me**

**TA: waiit what2 thii2...**

**TA: are you heariing that 2pooky me22age from the grave?**

**TA: iit ii2 from my abiiliity two giive a 2hiit.**

**TA: whiich ju2t diied.**

**TA: thii2 ii2 where you laugh agaiin!**

**AA: c0me t0 the wind0w**

**TA: why.**

**AA: because im 0utside**

**TA: b2.**

**AA: take a l00k**

**TA: ii dont 2ee anythiing out there.**

**AA: c0me cl0ser y0ull see me**

**AA: i pr0mise**

**TA: god ii am ju2t bulge deep iin the fecal matter of a wiildly iincontiinent hoofbea2t but ok, iill iindulge you.**

**TA: here ii go!**

Sollux stepped over the sleeping bees and the broken piece of the beehouse mainframe on the floor. Ok, he was looking out the lousy stupid goddamn window now. Lousy stupid goddamn physics.

Aradia snapped her fingers and Sollux instantly fell asleep. She couldn't have him start playing now. It wasn't time just yet.

Much later, when Sollux finally woke up, he'd discover that all of his teammates had connected to each other and entered The Medium, making him the last to enter. His long nap would not have been fruitless though, because it would have facilitated a series of important dreams that would prove essential in support of his teammates.

But here and now, the destruction of his hive would be imminent unless he could quickly establish a connection to the first player of the group and complete the chain.

Sollux finally awoke. The mind honey. Thpppptthhhhh. Some of it had gotten in his mouth. _HE DID NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT THE MIND HONEY!_ His eyes crackled with red and blue energy and he lifted back his head to produce a giant stream of two-colored lasers. The fire from the lasers burst through the roof, killing his biclops on the roof.


	54. Book 4 Chapter 7: arsenicCatnip

Chapter 7: arsenicCatnip

Okay, so since that kid was busy flipping his bifurcated lid, we might as well take a moment to get to know this silly cat girl. Gosh who was she?

Her name was Nepeta Leijon. She lived in a cave that was also a hive, but still mostly a cave. She liked to engage in friendly role playing, but not the dangerous kind. Never the dangerous kind. It was too dangerous! Too many of her good friends had gotten hurt that way.

Her daily routine was dangerous enough as it was. She prowled the wilderness for great beasts, and stalked them and took them down with nothing but her sharp claws and teeth! She took them back to her cave and ate them, and from time to time, wore their pelts for fun. She liked to paint wall comics using blood and soot and ash, depicting exciting tales from the hunt! And other goofy stories about her and her numerous pals. Her best pal of all was a little bossy, and people wondered why Nepeta even bothered with him, but someone had to keep him pacified. And if not Nepeta, then who? Everyone had an important job to do, and this was hers.

Her trolltag was **arsenicCatnip**and**:33 *her sp33ch preceded itself with the face of her lusus who was pawssibly the cutest and purrhaps the bestest kitty she had ever s33n!***

Nepeta equipped her claw gloves, which she was wearing all the time because she never knew when she might encounter some unsuspecting prey. Or when some prey might encounter an expecting her! On Alternia, everything was considered unsuspecting prey by everything else.

Nepeta scratched her cat lusus behind the ears. Her name was Pounce de Leon and she was the best kitty cat. Nepeta and the cat liked to go on adventures together in search of the fountain of cute. She rode her sure-pawed mount into the rugged frontier. And sometimes when Pounce rode Nepeta when she got tired, which was frequently.

It would sure be sad when Pounce de Leon died. But who knew when or how that would happen. We might not even really have the time to find out!

Later on there was a cave-in, crushing Nepeta's lusus in a pile of rocky rubble.

Okay. Forget the above sentence ever happened. Anyway, Nepeta sauntered over to her drawing tablet computer. She used this to draw… on a computer! It would be cool if this could somehow be adapted to serve as a fetch modus as well. That would be so much more fun than the frustrating one she was using right now.

She wondered what that grumpy fellow wanted. Probably something to do with Aradia and Sollux's game. That seemed to be _all_ everyone was talking about lately.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****arsenicCatnip [AC]**

**CG: HEY.**

**AC: :33 *ac perks up curiously***

**AC: :33 *she wiggles her rear end a bit and then chases something she s33s bounce into one of karkats shoes***

**CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE HAS TO SINK THIS LOW.**

**CG: KARKAT CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S ASKING AN AUTISTIC GIRL IN A CAVE TO JOIN HIS TEAM.**

**CG: KARKAT MYSTIFIES IN INFINITE BEFUDDLEMENT OVER THE FACT THAT YOU ARE PRESENTLY THE BEST REMAINING CANDIDATE FOR THE RED TEAM.**

**AC: :33 i am?**

**AC: :33 i mean *ac says i am? wondrously***

**CG: YES AND KARKAT CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.**

**CG: KARKAT THINKS ABOUT THAT A BIT AND HIS JAW DROPS OPEN AND BREAKS A HUGE COLUMN OF BRICKS LIKE A FUCKING KUNG FU MASTER.**

**AC: :33 *ac gathers up all the brick pieces and builds a cute little house and invites karkat inside***

**CG: OK GOOD, IT'S GOOD THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING.**

**CG: EVEN IF IT'S IN THE MOST INANE POSSIBLE CONTEXT.**

**CG: YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING A LOT OF IT.**

**AC: :33 yesss that sounds fun**

**AC: :33 ok what do i do?**

**CG: OK, BRIEFING:**

**CG: ME, TEREZI, GAMZEE AND TAVROS ARE ALL PLAYING NOW.**

**CG: THE CONNECTION ORDER IS AT - TC - GC - CG.**

**CG: WE NEED SOMEONE TO CONNECT TO TOREADOR AND GET HIM IN THE GAME.**

**CG: I HAVE GA LINED UP FOR THE RED TEAM BECAUSE SHE IS ONE OF THE FEW REMAINING SANE ONES LEFT TO PLAY.**

**CG: OK, THE ONLY SANE ONE.**

**CG: BUT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO CONNECT YET BECAUSE OF SOME MYSTERIOUS BULLSHIT, SO I WAS LIKE WHATEVER, WHAT ELSE IS NEW.**

**CG: SO I GUESS THAT LEAVES YOU.**

**CG: TEREZI SAID SHE HAD YOU LINED UP TO PLAY BACK WHEN SHE WAS THE FAKE LEADER, SO I SAID FINE.**

**CG: SO JUST CONNECT TO TAVROS AND LATER WE'LL WORRY ABOUT GETTING YOU IN.**

**AC: :33 alright! i will talk to him about that**

**AC: :33 oh**

**AC: :33 *ac pawses and looks up with a little bit of chagrin***

**AC: :33 i forgot i have to talk to someone else about this**

**AC: :33 i have b33n purrcrastinating :((**

**CG: OH GOD.**

**CG: ARE YOU REALLY SERIOUS.**

**AC: :33 its not that big of a deal!**

**CG: THIS BOGGLES MY MIND.**

**CG: HOW CAN YOU BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE ONLY GUY ON THE PLANET WHO'S A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN ME.**

**AC: :33 hes not so bad!**

**CG: HE'S SCUM.**

**CG: BUT DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO I GUESS.**

**CG: TAVROS IS WAITING.**

**arsenicCatnip [AC]** **began trolling ****centaursTesticle [CT]**

**AC: :33 *ac twitches her friendly whiskers at ct***

**CT: D - Hi**

**AC: :33 *ct purrplexes over where he put that important wrench that he n33ded for building a fancy robot or something***

**AC: :33 *he says, now where did that silly old wrench go?***

**CT: D - 100k**

**CT: D - What are you e%pecting to accomplish with this**

**AC: :33 *but oh look! ct p33ks around the corner to find that a very playful kitty has stolen the robot wrench and is now kicking it vigorously with her hind legs!***

**CT: D - This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses**

**CT: D - You'll stop now**

**AC: XOO rawwrrrrr**

**AC: :33 youre so lame!**

**CT: D - I'm not**

**CT: D - I'm fine**

**AC: :33 no! lame**

**CT: D - No I'm not**

**AC: :33 lame**

**CT: D - No**

**AC: :33 youve never played a fun purrtend game with me ever even once!**

**AC: :33 even karkat does it sometimes, even if he does mean it in a grumpy and insincere way**

**AC: :33 but at least its still fun!**

**CT: D - Yuck**

**CT: D - Don't pol100t my incoming data stream with his name, or any sort of e%cremental language you pick up from his ilk**

**AC: :33 i s33 right through your stupid act, who are you trying to kid!**

**AC: :33 look how you go out of your way to use words that have x's in them so that you can use your silly purrcent signs**

**AC: :33 or use these absurd words that you can shoehorn a '100' into, even if its not strictly replacing 'loo'!**

**AC: :33 you are so transpurrent**

**AC: :33 i can tell you like to play games, d33p down you are a guy who likes to play games!**

**AC: :33 i can smell a guy who likes to play games from so fur away with this nose, you have no idea X33**

**CT: D - If you're 100king for a 100phole through which you may e%tract concessions from me, you'll have to 100k elsewhere**

**AC: :33 s33! what the hell?**

**CT: D - Nepeta, what did I say about that awful language**

**CT: D - I won't stand for it, and you'll stop**

**AC: :33 oops**

**AC: :33 sorry :((**

**CT: D - Your fraternization with the base classes have 100sened your morals, can't you see this**

**AC: :33 no! i dont care, they are fun**

**AC: :33 and i dont know anything about classes or bases or blood color, it doesn't matter!**

**AC: :33 what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else!**

**CT: D - Well, green b100d is ok, but it's not great**

**CT: D - But that's why you're lucky to have me to 100k out for you**

**CT: D - Because you don't know better, and you can't fight the role the mother had in store for you**

**AC: :33 rawrgh, you are such a hypurrcrite!**

**AC: :33 you pretend to be so high and mighty but i know you're not and i know you like games**

**AC: :33 look at that silly little bow and arrow you always type!**

**AC: :33 its always there, you never furget**

**AC: :33 why would you do that if it wasnt a playful fun thing, i am so on to you!**

**CT: D - My bow and arrow are highly dignified symbols**

**AC: :33 lol! bs!**

**CT: D - Archery is among the highest and most e%ceptional crafts, held in tremendous regard by the most a100f classes for centuries**

**AC: :33 you suck at archery**

**CT: D - No**

**AC: :33 yes**

**CT: D - No**

**AC: :33 yes**

**CT: D - No I don't**

**AC: :33 yessssss yes yes yes**

**AC: :33 have you ever even successfully fired an arrow?**

**AC: :33 like actually got one to leave the bow?**

**CT: D - I think**

**CT: D - We need to stop talking about archery**

**AC: :33 nuh uh**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AC: :33 no**

**CT: D - We will stop talking about archery**

**CT: D - The topic is making me**

**CT: D - Sweat**

**AC: :33 eww**

**AC: :33 youre so gross**

**CT: D - No, you're the one who e%ercises distasteful practices**

**AC: :33 nooo, thats you**

**AC: :33 everyone knows youre a weirdo and a cr33p!**

**AC: :33 thats why youre lucky to have me to k33p an eye on you**

**AC: :33 no one else can stand you!**

**CT: D - You e%terminate beautiful, innocent creatures by the hundreds**

**CT: D - I can't condone such wretched behavior**

**CT: D - Beasts are meant to be 100ked upon with adoration**

**AC: :33 but**

**AC: :33 i eat them!**

**AC: :33 i dont kill anything i dont eat, that would be mean**

**CT: D - I guess that's basically acceptable in principle, but I still find it a bit unsavory**

**AC: :33 well i think YOUR habits are unsavory!**

**CT: D - No they're not**

**AC: :33 yuh HUH**

**CT: D - You're wrong about me, Nepeta**

**CT: D - I do like to play games**

**CT: D - But they must be e%tremely important games with very high stakes**

**CT: D - Not the kind played by trans100cent green wigglers who let 100se an e%cremental surge hard in their wiggler-bottom diaperstubs**

**CT: D - As it happens I have arranged to play just such a game tonight**

**CT: D - Aradia and I have a private engagement to be co-leaders of the b100 team**

**AC: :33 oh yeah?**

**AC: :33 *well just by purrchance it happens that ac has a private and sneaky engagement to play this game as well!***

**AC: :33 *and by a purrsnickety twist of fate, she will be on the R33D TEAM, with her other great friends who like to play their childish diaperpoop games!***

**AC: :33 :PP**

**CT: D - Absolutely not**

**AC: :33 absolutely :PP**

**CT: D - I forbid this**

**CT: D - You will take your position on the b100 team with me**

**AC: :33 yeah right! i will take my purrsition into this funny pounce ball and tackle you!**

**CT: D - That's nonsense, you're nowhere even remotely within my pro%imity that would be necessary to e%ecute such a maneuver**

**AC: :33 *ac rolls her eyes almost as hard as she is rolling around in this really interesting smell***

**CT: D - The thought of you fraternizing with and abetting those stink-b100ded h001igans strikes me as scandal beyond measure**

**CT: D - I'm afraid you're too delicate to withstand that sort of corruption**

**CT: D - It's forbidden**

**AC: :33 nuh uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - You won't**

**AC: :33 no**

**AC: :33 i will**

**CT: D - You won't**

**AC: :33 you cant stop me!**

**CT: D - I am telling you not to**

**CT: D - And you will be on my team**

**CT: D - That's final**

**AC: XPO bllllraaaaaawwwwwlllllrrrrghgghghgh**

**CT: D - Quiet**

**AC: :33 why do you do this, why are you so confurdent about your stupid commands?**

**AC: :33 dont you know you cant ACTUALLY tell me what to do?**

**AC: :33 its not like you even have any special mind pawers or telepurrthy or anything!**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - I do not**

**CT: D - And yet**

**CT: D - You will do as I say**

**AC: :33 yes well we will just s33 about that!**

**CT: D - Yes we will**

**CT: D - You will join me on my team shortly**

**CT: D - Stand by for further instru%ion**

**AC: :33 hisssssssss!**

**CT: D - You're angry, and I appreciate that**

**CT: D - But it doesn't matter**

**CT: D - Di%ussion over**

**AC: :33 :((**

Nepeta took off her cloth helmet and chewed on it frustratingly, an image of **CT** going "Bluh bluh" in her mind. She had to give Tavros the bad news.

**arsenicCatnip [AC]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AC: :33 *ac curls up in tavroses lap***

**AT: oKAY, *i,**

**AT: fOR THE TIME BEING, aND,**

**AT: fOR THE SAKE OF THIS FANTASY SCENARIO, i PRETEND,**

**AT: tHAT MY CAT ALLERGIES AREN'T THAT BAD,***

**AC: :33 *ac takes a long nap***

**AC: :33 *and then wakes up and frowns because she has bad news***

**AT: *oH NO,***

**AT: iS,**

**AT: wHAT i SAY,**

**AT: aBOUT THE BAD NEWS, nOT THE NAP,**

**AC: :33 tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :((**

**AC: :33 im not allowed**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: tHAT'S OKAY,**

**AT: tHEN i GUESS HE SAID NO, tHEN,**

**AC: :33 yes unfurtunately**

**AC: :33 rarg im so mad!**

**AT: iT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST,**

**AT: tHAT YOU LISTEN TO HIM,**

**AC: :33 i dont know**

**AC: :33 you think so?**

**AT: wELL,**

**AT: iF YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO HIM BEFORE,**

**AT: yOU MIGHT HAVE PLAYED GAMES WITH US BEFORE,**

**AT: aND SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU,**

**AC: :33 hmm purrhaps**

**AC: :33 but i still f33l bad**

**AT: i'LL FIND ANOTHER PLAYER, iT'S NOT A BIG DEAL,**

**AT: gOOD LUCK, bEING,**

**AT: oN THE BLUE TEAM,**

**AC: :33 ok thanks :((**

Tavros fondly recalled his days of far more intensive role playing. It seemed like so long ago now. Aside from a few unfortunate moments, it had always been fun. If he had to do it all over again, he supposed he'd select better company. Maybe this game he was playing tonight would rekindle some of that excitement. Wait. What had happened to Tinkerbull?


	55. Book 4 Chapter 8: Tavros's Flight

Chapter 8: Tavros's Flight

Some time ago, Tavros stood in his respiteblock on a healthy pair of legs and in a plucky little outfit. He was a low level boy-skylark, and he wielded an inexpensive daggerlance, which was the closest thing to a jousting lance he could wield that was still compatible with his favorite class.

He was about to play a game called Flarp, which unlike most games published by major developers, was given a graceful and aesthetically pleasing name. It was a title under the extreme role playing genre, and playing it without caution could have real-world consequences! But that was what made it fun.

When he activated Flarp's grub, the campaign programmed for tonight would begin. Team Charge would duel Team Scourge as usual. This was going to be great.

Tavros contacted his fellow Team Charge member, Aradia.

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AT: aRADIA,**

**AT: mY GRUB IS LAYING NOW, sO**

**AT: i'LL BE READY SOON,**

**AA: c00l!**

**AA: mine t00**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w where terezi is th0ugh**

**AA: shes running late**

**AT: oH, uHH**

**AT: sHOULD WE WAIT,**

**AA: n0**

**AA: ill be here cl0uding her campaign f0r her regardless**

**AA: with 0r with0ut her!**

**AA: her l0ss if she d0esnt make it**

**AA: itll give y0u a chance t0 gain s0me gr0und**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AA: y0u picked a t0ugh class tavr0s!**

**AA: n0ne 0f the really useful c0mbat abilities c0me int0 play until y0u reach a very high level**

**AA: but i supp0se it will be rewarding when y0u get there**

**AT: yEAH, i THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, bUT,**

**AT: iT'S THE CLASS i THINK IS MOST FUN, aND, bATTLE SKILL IS NOT ALL THERE IS,**

**AT: tO BEING A GREAT ADVENTURER,**

**AA: i c0uldnt agree m0re**

**AA: y0u might be the 0nly flarper in the w0rld wh0 really understands the true spirit 0f the game**

**AA: every0ne else is s0 aggressive and treasure hungry!**

**AA: but thats what makes beating them all the m0re satisfying**

**AT: yEAH, i GUESS,**

**AA: remember y0ur cl0uder isnt g0ing t0 pull any punches t0night**

**AA: d0nt fall f0r her mind games**

**AA: ill be here t0 assist 0f c0urse**

**AA: if y0ure in tr0uble d0nt hesitate t0 ask f0r help**

**AT: yEAH, i WON'T,**

**AT: tHANKS, aRADIA,**

**AA: n0 pr0blem!**

Tavros activated the grub and it laid some eggs. His campaign's gaming flapstractions hatch and rose into the air with little pixelated wings. These guys comprised all the data and procedures he'd need for his adventure tonight.

The flapstractions dispersed throughout the terrain surrounding his hive. They followed both preprogrammed and live instructions by Tavros's clouder, a member of Team Scourge, whose role was to provide him with a challenging scenario, while his teammate did the same for Scourge's other player.

Tavros stepped outside his hive and took his starting position in the field. The game was afoot, and anything could happen now. It was up to him to consult his maps and work with his teammate discover the objective of his quest, find treasure, and slay monsters. His stat bar had bonded with him. It kept track of his every attribute for his character, including his vitals. While these attributes in principle remained abstractions, due to the fact that this was _extreme_ role playing, they would always relate in some way to his real life attributes as well. He had to be careful out here!

A little later, while Tavros stood at the edge of a cliff and debated how to kill a pair of monsters blocking his only escape route, his clouder contacted him.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: Wellllllll?**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: Hey 8oy-Skytard, are you going to just stand there all night?**

**AG: Make your move, make your move, make your move!**

**AT: i JUST THINK,**

**AT: tHESE MONSTERS ARE TOO STRONG,**

**AT: sORRY, bUT, tHEY DON'T SEEM APPROPRIATE FOR THIS CAMPAIGN,**

**AG: Weak! Weaky weaky weak.**

**AT: uHH,**

**AT: wEAKY, iS THAT A REAL,**

**AT: tHING TO SAY,**

**AG: Yes. Your 8l8tant excuse making is the weakiest lame that ever shit the coward 8ed.**

**AG: Roll your dice. Make your move.**

**AG: Advance or a8scond!**

**AT: i CAN'T ABSCOND,**

**AT: tHERE'S NO,**

**AT: uHH, aBSCONDING PLACE,**

**AG: 8ut a8sconding is what you do 8est!**

**AG: I 8n't managed to cloud a scenario yet you couldn't squawk out of in a 8lazing trail of cluck8east feathers.**

**AG: You cannot hope to 8eat Tavros Nitram in an a8scond-off.**

**AG: He is simply the 8est there is!**

**AT: uHH, tHAT SOUNDS FLATTERING, tHEORETICALLY,**

**AT: bUT, i DON'T THINK,**

**AG: Hey pipe down!**

**AG: Make your move!**

**AG: Advance or a8scond, advance or a8scond!**

**AG: Roll, Tavros! Roll!**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: hOLD ON, fOR ONE MOMENT,**

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AT: aRADIA,**

**AT: hEY,**

**AT: aRE YOU THERE,**

**AT: uHHH,**

**AT: hMM,**

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AT: hEY,**

**AT: tEREZI,**

**AT: i HAVE A PROBLEM,**

**AT: uHHHHHHH,**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: No one can help you, Taaaaaaaavros!**

**AG: ::::)**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AG: Time to decide!**

**AT: wHERE IS EVERYBODY,**

**AG: What does that have to do with your present cowardice?**

**AT: i DON'T KNOW,**

**AT: pROBABLY NOTHING,**

**AG: Are you going to roll?**

**AT: hMM,**

**AT: nO, i CAN'T,**

**AG: Why not?**

**AT: bECAUSE, i WAS THINKING ABOUT THE NUMBERS, aND,**

**AT: iT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE A FAVORABLE OUTCOME,**

**AT: nO MATTER WHAT THE DICE DO,**

**AG: So, you give up?**

**AT: yEAH, mAYBE,**

**AG: Why not roll and make it official?**

**AG: Why would you want to cheapsk8 me out of 8onuses like that? It's so thoughtless.**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: Am I going to have to take matters into my own hands?**

**AG: To make your move for you?**

**AT: i THOUGHT,**

**AT: yOU COULDN'T USE POWERS,**

**AT: i MEAN, rEAL LIFE POWERS, nOT GAME ONES,**

**AT: iT'S AGAINST THE RULES,**

**AG: 8ut if you are going to 8reak the rules and refuse to roll, what choice do I have!**

**AG: I h8 that it had to come to this 8ut what can I do!**

Suddenly, a holographic projection of **AG**appeared in front of Tavros.

**AG: Tavros, have I mentioned how cute you look in that plucky little outfit?**

**AG: Why if I didn't know 8etter, I'd say I was playing with Pupa Pan himself!**

**AG: Isn't that what you want, Tavros? To 8e like Pupa?**

**AG: Of course you do! What 8oy wouldn't want to 8e like Pupa! So dashing and 8rave.**

**AG: He is everything you are not!**

**AG: For one thing, he can flyyyyyyyy.**

**AG: Do you want to flyyyyyyyy, Tavros?**

**AG: Have you ever tried to fly? I 8et you haven't!**

**AG: How a8out we take to the skies, Pupa!**

**AG: Hahahaha, oh you like that idea, Pupa? Yes, you do. I can feel it in your simple, mallea8le 8rain.**

**AG: You want to fly so 8ad!**

**AG: Fly, Pupa!**

**AG: Flyyyyyyyy!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

Tavros leaped off the cliff behind him under **AG**'s mind control. An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of a rock and accidentally high-fived the troll as he fell.

**AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: Haaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa!**

**AG: Adios, Toreadum8ass.**

**AG: :::;D**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****adiosToreador **

Tavros landed with a loud splat on the shore of the pond below. Perhaps **AG** had meant for him to land in the water? He wasn't sure. In any, case, he trolled Karkat to inform him of the situation.

**adiosToreador ** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**AT: aG JUST JUMPED ME OFF A CLIFF,**

**AT: wITH MY BRAIN,**

**AT: aND, uHH**

**AT: mY LEGS, aLSO,**

**AT: aND NOW, tHEY FEEL,**

**AT: iNVISIBLE,**

**AT: wOW, i'M SURE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO SAY THAT,**

**AT: aNYWAY,**

**AT: tHAT'S REALLY ALL THERE IS,**

**AT: tO REPORT ON THE SUBJECT,**

**AT: oF ME GETTING HURT,**

**CG: HEY ASSHOLE, STOP PLAYING GAMES FOR GIRLS.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling ****adiosToreador **

Back in the present, but not too far into the present, Karkat stood next to his toilet, finishing up a conversation. It ended like this:

**GC: OH BOY YOU N33D TO G3T W1TH TH3 PROGR4M K4RK4T**

**GC: H4V3 YOU T4LK3D TO 44**

**CG: 44 WHAT?**

**GC: 4POC4LYPS34R1S3N SORRY**

**CG: NO, OF COURSE NOT.**

**GC: OR T4**

**GC: OR 4G 1 GU3SS**

**GC: OR C4**

**GC: R34LLY TH3R3S L1K3 TH1S WHOL3 CONSP1R4CY 4BOUT TH1S**

**GC: 4S 1M F1ND1NG OUT**

**CG: WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO ANY OF THOSE DOUBLETALKING ASSHOLES.**

**GC: 1 C4NT!**

**GC: 1 GOTT4 ST3P OUT OF TH3 TR33 FOR 4 MOM3NT**

**GC: WH3N 1 COM3 B4CK 1 W1LL 3NT3R TH3 G4M3**

**GC: CY4!**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

And then someone else began bothering him.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**AG: Psssssssst.**

**AG: Hey 8rave leader.**

**CG: OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME.**

**AG: Can I join your team?**

**CG: YES I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, BECAUSE THERE IS A WIDE OPEN SLOT FOR THE MOST VILE BACKSTABBING SOCIOPATH WHO EVER LIVED.**

**CG: YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT OF A JAM BY STEPPING FORWARD.**

**AG: Vile 8acksta88ing sociopath? Karkat, did you copy and p8ste that phrase directly from your personal ad descri8ing what you are looking for in a lady?**

**CG: HA HA HA!**

**CG: MORE CAGEY CUTESY BULLSHIT.**

**CG: LIKE I'M NOT UP TO MY LOBE STEM WITH THAT ALREADY HAVING TO DEAL WITH TEREZI.**

**CG: YOU BOTH MUST HAVE BEEN INSUFFERABLE WHEN YOU WERE A TEAM.**

**CG: YOUR OPPONENTS PROBABLY ALL JUST TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF PUTTING UP WITH YOUR FANGY GRINNED DRIVEL.**

**CG: THAT'S PROBABLY HOW IT ALL WENT DOWN WHEN THE SHIT HIT THE THRESHER.**

**AG: That's not a 8ad guess! 8ut man! Karkat you sure are giving me a hard time.**

**AG: I don't see how we're supposed to 8e 8ecoming friends if you recoil from my olive 8ranch like I'm twitching a mummified 8ovine phallus in your direction.**

**CG: BECOMING FRIENDS, WHAT THE FUCK.**

**CG: WE WILL NEVER BE FRIENDS, MORON.**

**AG: Not even h8 friends?**

**CG: NO. MORE LIKE TWITCHY EYED PROJECTILE VOMITING IN UTTER DISGUST FRIENDS, WHILE I PERFORATE MY BONE BULGE WITH A CULLING FORK.**

**AG: Yessssssss. I'll take it!**

**CG: GET LOST.**

**AG: Anyway, I was just joking a8out wanting to 8e on your team.**

**AG: I'm already on the 8lue team.**

**CG: OH! OH REALLY?**

**CG: WAIT, LET ME COUNT OUT EIGHT OF THESE THINGS, HOLD ON. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?**

**CG: THERE, I AM NOW AN ENORMOUS TOOL FOREVER.**

**AG: Yes, Aradia and I have an arrangement. We will 8e co-leaders.**

**AG: (But really I will 8e the leader! Heh heh. Shh! Don't tell anyone!)**

**AG: What do you think, Karkat? Can you take on two dangerous laaaaaaaadies at once?**

**CG: YAWN.**

**AG: Come on! Aren't you a little nervous that I will oppose you? You should 8e!**

**CG: NO YOU'RE JUST A RUN OF THE MILL LITTLE PSYCHO GIRL, A TROLL CAEGAR A DOZEN.**

**CG: I'LL BE TAKING APART THE BLUE TEAM WITH BRUTAL EFFICIENCY, YOU'LL SEE.**

**CG: YOU NEVER PLAYED ONE OF YOUR DUMB GAMES WITH ME SO YOU NEVER HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF SEEING WHAT I CAN DO.**

**CG: ENJOY THE SHOW, SWEETHEART.**

**CG: JUST DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT USING YOUR MIND CONTROL TRICKS ON MY PLAYERS.**

**CG: REMEMBER YOUR TRUCE?**

**AG: Pshhhhhhhh. Those days are far 8ehind me.**

**AG: Anyway, I can't control just any8ody. They've got to 8e impressssssssiona8le. Like you!**

**CG: YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME.**

**AG: Sure I can. I just choose not to.**

**CG: YEAH OK.**

**AG: I find your mind totally unpalata8le to 8rowse. Looking into your 8rain is like pawing through a smelly dumpster.**

**AG: Full of 8roken glass and razor 8lades!**

**AG: And poop. D::::**

**CG: WHATEVER, DON'T EVEN TRY IT.**

**CG: I'VE GOT THE BETTER SCOURGE SISTER ON MY TEAM AND IF YOU BREAK YOUR TRUCE YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO HER.**

**CG: THE FUNNY THING IS SHE WAS ALWAYS WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVEN WITHOUT ANY POWERS.**

**CG: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I KNOW YOUR WHOLE STORY.**

**CG: YOU WERE ALWAYS JEALOUS SHE COULD MANIPULATE PEOPLE SO WELL WITHOUT RESORTING TO CHEAP MIND TRICKS.**

**CG: HAHA, I CAN TELL THIS BURNS YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN PAW THROUGH YOUR DUMPSTER!**

**CG: CHALK IT UP AS ANOTHER INFURIATING VICTORY FOR GUTTER BLOOD OVER ARISTOCRACY.**

**CG: OH WHAT'S THAT, NOTHING TO SAY?**

**CG: WOW SPEECHLESS I GUESS. YOU'RE PROBABLY CRYING RIGHT NOW. THAT WOULD MAKE MY FUCKING DAY.**

**CG: HEY LOOK AT ME BEING THE ONE TO TALK SHIT AT WARP SPEED THEN LOG OFF BEFORE YOU CAN REPLY.**

**CG: BYE, IDIOT.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**AG: Oh, 8ack so soon! Did your thum8 slip on the 8utton?**

**AG: I guess you can't get enough of me.**

**AG: ::::)**

**CG: YOU MADE ME DO THAT.**

**CG: AND YOU KNOW IT.**

**AG: You 8n't got nothing on me and you can't prove shit!**

**AG: Anyway, Karkat, I just wanted to say.**

**AG: 3**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**


	56. Book 4 Chapter 9: arachnidsGrip

Chapter 9: arachnidsGrip

The narrative tried to shift to the other asshole, but somehow ended up on **CT**. He stood in a room with broken troll robots and his horse lusus, who had pecs and a moustache as well as udders. His walls were covered with pictures of nude humanoid horses with huge… um… nether areas…

We can probably stand to delay this guy's introduction a little longer. Why not see what someone else is up to? Anyone! HURRY!

Okay, good. We switch to a vague teaser of the final unseen troll in the nick of time. A girl with a trident poked and prodded a red cuttlefish. Her right hand was covered in bracelets.

She wore maroon goggles and a band on her head with the symbol of Pisces on it. She smiled as she culled the cuttlefish.

Aradia sat on the desecrated frog head from the temple and flew it back to her hive to get the blue team's session started. It had been a while.

She revisited the remains of her quaint, rural hive. Her lawnring and the small excavation sites she'd dug up for practice around it were all overgrown with vegetation. She hadn't been here since the night of the accident. On that night she'd found her calling. The voices of the dead had grown louder, urging her to return to the ruins she'd discovered not long before. She'd left so abruptly, she hadn't even had time to bury her lusus. But that was fine, because trolls didn't usually bury the dead. Leaving bodies to be consumed by wild animals was more customary.

She landed within the ruins, opened the Crosbytop, and waited for SGRUB to begin. She watched as the loading screen ran through the spirographs. See, Aradia had an arrangement to begin the session as co-leader with on of the blue bloods. She understood this player intended to make a power grab, and take sole possession of the leadership role. Such subterfuge was typical of their caste. But Aradia was perfectly okay with this. It was one of the many things she was okay with.

She'd allowed her coplayer to enter The Medium first. She understood that the leadership role was essentially meaningless, aside from offering the distinction of being the first player to enter. She also understood that entering the game second had always been her intention.

She also had a server player connecting to her, someone she'd personally selected for the role. The devices required for entry were deployed.

The kernelsprite awaited prototyping. But unlike all eleven other players, her dead lusus was not available. She had to use something else.

Aradia levitated the frog head telekinetically and threw it into the kernel. This prototyping would prove to be critical for later success. Just another of many assurances whispered by the dead. She'd long since stopped questioning them, or doubting the future significance of even spontaneous acts of frivolous desecration.

Compelling her nonplussed server player to perform this task might have proven difficult. Luckily, her telekinesis, an ability greatly magnified by her calling, would be sufficient to move the massive object even if the SGRUB game cursor was not.

Nepeta, Aradia's server player, watched in mystification as the Frogsprite was produced. She really just had no idea what the hell was going on.

A bit later on, Aradia entered The Medium, taking her place in the Land of Quartz and Melody as the Maid of Time. Meanwhile, her client player had been exploring another world. The blue blood had a present for her. The present could not be duplicated via alchemy, at least not during this stage of the game. It would cost too much grist, a detail which the other player had not been aware of. He would have to progress to the second gate of his own world, arrive through the gate above Aradia's hive, and deliver the present in person. Facilitating this delivery was one of the reasons why it had been important for her to enter second.

Nepeta's confusion was only in part due to learning the ropes of a new game. There was a more significant reason for her befuddlement. While she'd followed Aradia's advice and gone through the simple motions of game setup, at no point had Aradia been visible on her monitor.

Nepeta had seen the damaged hive. She'd seen the alchemiter and the other devices she'd deployed. She'd seen the strange computing device on the floor, bearing the visage of a species she hadn't recognized. She'd even seen a great bit stone frog head fly through the air all by itself, and become the Frogsprite. And though she would ask why, and Aradia would always delay the answer, the fact remained. Nepeta hadn't been able to see her.

Or, that was, Nepeta hadn't been able to see her up until the sprite's second prototyping, when Aradia floated into the Frogsprite and made herself Aradiasprite. And the reason that Nepeta hadn't been able to see her before was quite simply that Aradia had been dead all along.

We are all completely blown away by this stunning revelation. Wow. Dead. Really? Like a ghost? Huh.

**arsenicCatnip [AC]****began trolling****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AC: :33 aradia i can s33 you!**

**AC: :33 that is you right**

**AA: yes**

**AC: :33 why are you the floating frog all of a sudden?**

**AA: im dead**

**AA: my spirit merged with the fr0gsprite**

**AC: :33 wow**

**AC: :33 dead**

**AC: :33 really?**

**AA: like a gh0st**

**AC: :33 huh**

**AC: :33 well i hope this doesnt make me sound dumb**

**AC: :33 but i am completely blown away by that stunning revelation!**

**AA: y0u d0nt s0und dumb**

**AC: :33 whew! :33**

**AC: :33 how did you die?**

**AA: i ign0red the advice 0f a friend**

**AA: and made s0me bad ch0ices**

**AC: :33 *ac rumples up her nose in purrplexment at aa's really vague and spooky answer***

**AC: :33 but actually thats good because i kind of think i dont want to know**

**AC: :33 its making me sad to think about :((**

**AA: 0k**

**AA: nepeta can y0u please keep this a secret**

**AC: :33 yes i purrmise i wont tell anyone about it**

**AC: :33 and by purrmise i mean promise just so you know im serious!**

**AA: thank y0u**

**AA: ribbit**

**AA: wh00ps**

**AC: :33 h33 h33 h33!**

Aradia decided to switch the narrative, _finally_, to the huge bitch (bluh bluh). A mysterious spider troll girl stood in her respiteblock, wearing an odd pair of glasses. One lens was transparent and the other completely black and opaque. One of her horns was forked on the end like a wrench and the other bent down. She wore a dark gray jacket over her black shirt and blue pants. Her shirt had a blue symbol of Scorpio on it. One of her arms had been torn off in an accident due to a particularly dangerous Flarping session, and her robot-building friend had built a robo-arm for her, which she currently had on. She wore a pair of white and red shoes, one of which was currently resting on a broken eight ball. In fact, her respiteblock was filled with broken eight balls and dice. Weird...

Anyway, this girl's name was Vriska Serket. She was a master of extreme role playing, and couldn't get enough of it, or really any game with high stakes and chance. She'd persisted with the habit in spite of her accident. But then again, she didn't have much choice.

Vriska's lusus was very hungry, all the time. She could only be appeased by the flesh of young trolls.

Anyway, on another note, Vriska liked to cloud campaigns for teams of Flarpers, utilizing her abilities for orchestrating the demise of the impressssssssiona8le. Her victories supplied her with treasure, experience points, and spider food.

She was somewhat of an apocalyptic buff, which was something you could be on Alternia. She was fascinated with end of the world scenarios, and enjoyed constructing doomsday devices for the hell of it. He was drawn to means of dark prognostication and the advantages they offered, particularly in gaming scenarios. Her abilities in this department had been hobbled with the loss of her vision eightfold, and she'd since sought alternatives through various black oracles. She consulted with these ominous globes, but routinely destroyed them in frustration over the puzzling guaranteed inaccuracy of their predictions. Breaking them had developed into a habit bordering on fetishistic, and with each one she destroyed, she added to an insurmountable stockpile of terrible luck. She had to stop, but addiction was a powerful thing.

Her trolltag was **arachnidsGrip **and her **st8ments tended to 8e just a little 8it overdramaaaaaaaatic.**

Vriska checked out the drawing on her wall. She'd drawn her own role playing character for fun, as many Flarpers were prone to do. She was the best character, and Vriska wished she was her. Oh wait, Vriska _was _her! Her wish had been granted, probably as a special boon for being so great at everything.

Her alternate persona was named Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, scourge of land dwellers and sea dwellers alike, and worst nightmare to silly boy-skylarks everywhere. She had accumulated more treasure and gained more levels than any member of the petticoat seagrift class ever. She'd gained all of the levels. All of them. Yeah!

Vriska proceeded to her computer. She had a lot to do. So many irons in the fire OW! Lousy dice. She just couldn't seem to go anywhere in her hive without stepping on an errant D4. Pointy little bastards. It was just her bad luck, she guessed. She'd had such terrible luck ever since her accident. And it just kept getting worse. As far as she was concerned, the world couldn't end soon enough.

Oh. As she'd been saying. So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It was a web full of flaming irons and mixed metaphors. Tonight was a bit night. She had a lot of meddling to catch up on tonight. Bugging and fussing and meddling.

She equipped her enchanted dice set, the fabled fluorite octet. It consisted of eight D8, plundered from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. In ancient times, such weapons had been employed by roving bands of Gambligants, deadly marauders with a passion for chance. They'd all died off, though. Taken too many risks.

Rolling the dice would execute a wide range of highly unpredictable attacks. Very high rolls could be devastating to even the most powerful opponents. Of course, with the luck she'd had lately, though, she couldn't make a good roll to save her life. She _had _to do something about this awful luck.

"Gotta catch a br8k!" She said exasperatedly. When she got worked up she put 8's in places that didn't really make a lot of sense phonetically.

Okay, it was time to get this show on the road. There were SO many people to meddle with tonight. Well, after she ditched an unwelcome solicitor first, that was. Didn't **GA** realize how rude it was to meddle? Vriska would fuss with her meddling later.

Oh, what now?! Someone else was bothering her? She looked to see who it was. Oh, HIM. She thought she'd washed her hands of him. Strange timing that he was bugging her tonight after so long without a peep from him. She highlight what he'd said. "Hello," it was. She highlighted the rest of what the guy said as a courtesy to the reader.

**Hello.**

**AG: Oh my god, why are you talking to me?**

**This is the last time we'll ever talk.**

**AG: Still sticking with the white text I see. So smooth and stylish!**

**AG: I forgot how much I loved highlighting it to read all the 8oring things you have to say.**

**AG: It's like a fun game for super extra handicapped retarded people. Like opening a present! Find out what o8noxious thing the mystery tool typed.**

**AG: What is it!**

**A parting courtesy, I suppose.**

**All the ways I've exploited you were meant to bring about the events that will take place this evening.**

**Knowing this will provide context for the events in your near future, and will affect how you behave in response.**

**These events will be just as important as those preceding it.**

**I've gone to great lengths, you see.**

**AG: You didn't exploit me.**

**AG: You are just a petty douche with a 8ad temper who likes to pl8y g8mes, and all I did w8s humor you.**

**I did exploit you, very thoroughly. It was easy.**

**AG: So full of yourself!**

**Have I ever lost a game?**

**AG: Don't ch8nge the su8ject!**

**What subject are you referring to?**

**AG: XXXXO**

**AG: I'm going to log off in a 8ig huff and you have to promise not to use that nasty trick where you log me 8ack on out of petty douchey spite!**

**AG: And then we can go 8ack to never ever talking, 8ecause man! That was heaven when it was like th8t!**

**There's no need for that kind of assurance.**

**I'll be brief.**

**I no longer hold you accountable for any wrongdoing. In fact, I've given your transgression very little thought since the incident.**

**If you acknowledge this amnesty and regard it as sincere, you may begin to find the odds falling in your favor again.**

**This may be essential if you are to succeed on your journey.**

**AG: Mm hmm. Slow down! Man.**

**AG: I am just wearing out so many pens taking all these important notes! Fuuuuuuuuck!**

**AG: Fuck you for ruining all my good note-taking pens and giving me this terri8le cramp in my good note-taking hand!**

**Incredible, the risks you take with your scorn.**

**But of course it was your unpleasant, simplistic temperament that made you so easy to control.**

**Vicious and predictable, like an insect.**

**If you turn a swarm of wasps on a crowd, the outcome is certain.**

**It takes no skilled strategist to understand this. You were in fact a waste of my talents.**

**A primitive expedient.**

**AG: Blech. What a sno8. You're worse than my meddley meddler meddlefriend.**

**I wonder why they waste their camaraderie on you. I'll never understand it.**

**AG: I thought you said you would 8e 8rief?**

**I'll say one last thing.**

**Though the magnitude of the ensuing destruction resulting directly from your actions will be neither possible or necessary for you to fathom, there nevertheless ought to be a silver lining.**

**The only question is whether you will live long enough to see it.**

**I'm not a gambling man.**

**But if I was, I wouldn't bet on it.**

**Goodbye.**

**AG: Zzzzzzzz. 8ye, assh8le.**

More hollow comebacks. As hollow and wishywashy as the inside of one of these dumb black globes. What use was all that attitude against a guy who was never wrong? It was so depressing, Vriska couldn't even work up the strength to smash the eight ball in her hand. Maybe she could stand to have some camaraderie wasted on her, even if it came from a meddley meddler meddlefriend.

She proceeded to converse with **GA**.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat.**

**GA: Just Wanted To Know**

**GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet**

**AG: Huh? What kind of question is that!**

**AG: Is this a trick? Are you trying to sa8otage me? Are you in cahoots with someone?**

**GA: Uh No**

**AG: Cahoooooooots!**

**AG: Cahoots I say.**

**GA: You Sure Do Seem To Be Saying Cahoots**

**GA: Im Just Asking**

**GA: Because Mines Dead**

**AG: What? Oh no.**

**AG: How did that happen?**

**GA: It Was Just Her Time**

**AG: Really? Are you sure it wasn't sa8otage? I would suspect sa8otage if I was you.**

**GA: No There Was No Plot Or Conspiracy Or Any Trace Of Saboteurs Operating Through The Special And Magical Union One Can Only Describe As Being In Cahoots With Another**

**GA: When A Virgin Mother Grub Abdicates And Renounces Brooding**

**GA: Her Time Will Be Relatively Short**

**GA: I Always Knew This**

**AG: ::::(**

**AG: She was so cool, you had the coolest lusus of anyone I know.**

**AG: I wanted to meet her some day.**

**GA: Maybe You Still Can**

**AG: Yeah, meet her corpse! I guess that's not so bad a consol8tion prize.**

**AG: Seeing a 8ig dead cool mother gru8. Wow!**

**AG: You were so lucky. My lusus sucks! Haha.**

**AG: Why did you ask if she's dead, anyway? Do you know something?**

**GA: They Are All Dying**

**GA: Or Are Going To Soon**

**GA: I Believe Its A Preemptive Consequence Of The Game We Are About To Play**

**GA: If A Preemptive Consequence Is A Concept That Can Be Said To Hold Any Meaning**

**GA: But From What I Understand If It Is Applicable In Any Sphere At All Then This Game Holds That Sphere**

**AG: Okaaaaaaaay, I don't really get that. So you can just go ahead think I'm some dum8 flighty 8road again.**

**GA: I Wasnt Going To Think That**

**GA: You Know What I Dont Think Even I Really Understand What I Just Said So Nevermind**

**AG: Now you have me a little worried. Man! I hope she's ok.**

**AG: Why would this happen? This is just my luck. Have some died 8esides yours?**

**AG: And uh, you know who's, I guess. ::::o**

**GA: Yes A Few**

**GA: Karkat Thinks Its His Fault**

**GA: He Believes His Actions Triggered An Inauspicious Chain Reaction**

**AG: You mean a curse?**

**GA: Sure**

**AG: Wow, between his curse and my shitty luck we are so screwed.**

**GA: Im Not Surprised To See You Endorse His Paranoia Without Hesitation**

**GA: But I Was Attempting To Illustrate A Point In Bringing It Up**

**AG: Whew! There goes another one sailing over the idi8t girl's head! Ok, lay it on me.**

**GA: These Events Are Inevitable And Regardless Of Whatever Emotional Entanglements Obfuscate Their Significance They Will Ultimately Serve An Important Purpose**

**GA: The Curse Had Nothing To Do With It**

**GA: And Karkats Notion Of A Curse Is Inseparable From His Perception Of Events As Intrinsically Negative And As Tailored To His Personal Dissatisfaction**

**GA: And Your Bad Luck Is The Same Way**

**GA: I Believe Anyway**

**AG: Uh. Ok.**

**GA: What Would Happen If You Just Cleaned Up A Bit**

**GA: Dont You Think You Would Step On A Few Less Hard Triangles**

**AG: Why do you try to help me and stuff? What's the point!**

**AG: It's kind of bothersome. And insulting sometimes!**

**AG: So I have a messy room. 8ig deal. My luck fucking 8lows! It's got nothing to do with it and you just don't even know.**

**AG: Meddler. Why you so meddley, Miss Meddlesome McFussyfangs?**

**GA: Because Youre Dangerous**

**AG: No way! I'm just fine. Why don't you can it.**

**GA: Every Time You Tell Me To Can It I Think Its Funny**

**GA: I Mean Its Just A Funny Thing To Say Dont You Think**

**AG: ::::P**

**GA: Its Ok To Be Dangerous**

**GA: Lots Of People Are**

**GA: And Dangerous People Can Be Really Important**

**GA: Maybe Even The Most Important Sometimes**

**GA: But It Just Means Theres Got To Be Someone Around To Keep An Eye On Them**

**GA: And If Not Me Then Who**

**GA: Everyone Has An Important Job To Do**

**AG: Ok, so you're spying on me. Kind of creepy! Man, m8y8e you should get a l8fe.**

**AG: Or you know, if you're so h8gh 8nd might8 an8 th8nk you're so gr8at, m8y88 you c8uld oh I d8n't kn8w...**

**AG: TRY AND ST8P ME FROM DO8NG B8D THINGS?**

**GA: That Wouldnt Work**

**GA: If I Tried To Stop You You Would Regard Me As An Enemy**

**GA: Instead Of Merely As A Nuisance**

**GA: And What Good Would That Do**

**GA: So Im Afraid Mcfussyfangs It Must Be**

**AG: U88888888h!**

**AG: Ok, gr8. Fine! I'm going to check on my lusus now.**

**AG: 8ut I'm starting to think you are full of shit, and I am quite sure she will 8e QU8TE FIN8!**

**GA: Youre Right Anything Can Happen I Guess**

**GA: But Just So You Know Im Sorry For Your Loss In Advance**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**AG: Aaaaaaaah!**

**AG: Man, why d8dn't I just get th8 last w8rd and sign off real qu8ck like I usu8lly do?**

**AG: Let you sne8k th8t stink8n' littl8 ninja quip in th8r8. Ah! So m8d.**

**AG: Lousy st8pid godd8mn supportive fri8nd!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

Vriska left her respiteblock and walked down the like fifty million stairs to her lusus's nest below. She wondered if any other kid on the planet had such a high-maintenance lusus? She doubted it.

Through a window that she passed as she walked down the stairs was one of her completed doomsday devices. She'd promised she would build it for an especially powerful and influential member of the nautical aristocracy, in return for his collusion during her campaigns. Some guy she was in cahoots with! She guessed none of it mattered now, though. It had been tough to build, and wasn't perfect yet. Luckily, one of her friends nearby was pretty handy with technology. He could be tapped for parts and favors frequently.

Vriska wondered if any other kid on the planet had as many irons in the fire as her. She doubted it.

She finally reached the bottom of the stairs and exited her hive. Yup, there was her lusus, the giant and terrible Spidermom. She was fine. Fine and huge and hungry as ever. She… she guessed she was relieved? Yes, of course. Whew! Why would she have been? It would be devastating should anything happen to Vriska's dear, sweet custodian. She sat on her web as usual, dangling over a gaping chasm and suspended by a large stone pillar and the mainland, both of which could never break. Ever. Above Spidermom, the doomsday device hung from four large chains.

The mainland supported Vriska's house on it, while the pillar carried her neighbor's. Oh, it was no use delaying the neighbor's introduction anymore. I mean, as long as we were in the area. Vriska's neighbor was the dark blue Sagittarius troll with the cracked shades, ridge-bottomed shoes. Remember? The one with the nude horses and broken robots? Okay, I'm ready for his introduction. Let's find out who this sucker is.


	57. Book 4 Chapter 10: centaursTesticle

Chapter 10: centaursTesticle

The indigo Sagittarius troll boy was named Equius Zahhak. One of his horns was like an arrow, shape reminiscent of the Sagittarius symbol, and the other may have been previously, but it was currently broken off near the base. His shirt, rather than being a tee like the others', was a tank top with his dark blue symbol on it.

He loved being strong. In fact, he was so strong, he would surely be the class of the elite legion of the Ruffiannihilators. And, while such a calling would be quite honorable, he would prefer to join the ranks of the Archeradicators, perhaps the most noble echelon the imperial force had to offer. Unfortunately, he sucked at archery. He had not successfully fired a single arrow. The reason was that every time he tried, he pulled so hard the bow broke. He was simply too strong. The floor of his respiteblock was littered with these broken archery instruments, as breaking them had developed into a habit bordering on fetishistic. He had to stop. But addiction was a powerful thing.

Equius had a great appreciation for the fine arts. He used his aristocratic connections to acquire priceless masterpieces, painted in the oldest and most respected Alternian tradition of nude musclebeast portraits. These striking depictions of the exquisite fauna native to Alternia reminded him of the purest physical ideal that must be sought by anyone who professed a love of strength. When those of lesser bloodlines turned up their uncultured noses at such stunning material, it made his FURIOUS!

Actually, practically everything made Equius furious. He had so much rage, it could only be expressed through staggering quantities of physical violence. He built strong and sturdy robots, set them to kill mode, and beat the shit out of them in caged brawls. Sometimes he lost his teeth. He was missing two of his teeth right now, in fact. Thankfully though, they usually grew back.

His trolltag was **centaursTesticle**and with his bow and arrow ever at the ready, he **D - Took e%ception to 100d language unbefitting of b100 b100ds**.

Now where had that craven excuse for a custodian gone? It made Equius furious when he went missing like this. Probably off somewhere nursing the bruises Equius had given him. He swore, the old boy was made of glass. He was starting to get agitated.

"Aurthour! Where are you?" Suddenly, his lusus clopped into his room and held out a tray with an ice cold glass of nutritious lusus milk. It had a thick, foamy head on it, just the way Equius liked it. He could not hope to best Aurthour in a butler-off. The lusus was simply the best there was.

He accepted the frosty beverage and gave the good fellow a grateful pat, as gently as possible with his black-gloved hand. A hand-shaped bruise appeared on Aurthour's head. Seriously, he was like a soft summer peach!

Equius downed the glass of milk. Lusus milk was the secret to being strong. Actually it wasn't. He liked to think that though. The truth was he was really strong because he was kind of a freak. He'd been chosen by one of the strongest lusus species on the planet. It was the only sort of custodian who could have handled raising him. He tightened his fist as he drank the white liquid. Whoops, there went the glass, as usual. The shards of the transparent material flittered to the ground.

Also as usual, the broken glass sent him into a rage. The spilled milk quickly evaporated in his heated presence. He had to do something to calm himself down. Let off some steam.

Aurthour vacuumed up the mess while the troll equiupped… I mean, equipped a bow. A little archery practice was sure to cool him off. But of course, the piece of shit snapped like a twig the moment he picked it up. Actually, the feel of the brittle wood giving way under the astonishing might of his mangrit was starting to calm him down already. He equipped the broken object to his 1/2bowkind specibus, which was pretty much useless.

He also kept a plain old bowkind specibus in the event that he was able to fire an arrow some day. Because a boy could dream, right? But for more practical purposes, he kept a fistkind specibus on hand. Equius stowed them all in his strife portfolio. Yeah, remember that? The strife portfolio? It still existed. It never stopped existing or anything.

It appeared as though someone was trolling him. Oh, it was Nepeta. What did she want? They proceeded to have a conversation that we read not all that long ago. It went mostly like this:

**CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes****AC: :33 no** **CT: D - Yes ****AC: :33 no**

But when all had been said and done, he was quite sure he'd convinced his good friend to stay on the right team. Not the team full of degenerates with swill coursing through their veins. Equius was starting to get worked up again. Routine helped calm him down. Maybe he'd talk to another friend. A specific friend. He talked to the guy every day for some reason. Though it wasn't exactly right to call him a friend, since Equius despised him. Their relationship with the fellow was difficult to describe.

Oh, by the way, it should be noted that in troll language, the word from friend was exactly the same as the word for as enemy.

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**CT: D - Have I ever told you what a reprehensible disgrace you are**

**TC: hAhA, fUcK yEaH, oNlY eVeRy MoThErFuCkIn DaY bRo!**

**CT: D - I'm not in a very good mood**

**CT: D - There are a few things I'd like to get off my chest**

**TC: MoThErFuCkIn SpIlL iT, dOn'T bE aLl KeEpIn ThAt ShIt BoTtLeD uP**

**TC: lIkE a FuCkIn AlL sHaKeD uP bOtTlE oF fAyGo.**

**TC: FuCk DoGg I'm ThIrStY.**

**TC: i'M dOwN tO mY lAsT bOtTlE aNd I dOn'T fUcKiN kNoW iF i CaN gEt AnYmOrE iN tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiN mAgIc LaNd So I dOn'T kNoW.**

**CT: D - What you do appear to know is e%actly how to ma%imize my livid contempt for you**

**CT: D - With your revolting language and your sense of decorum**

**CT: D - At such breathtaking odds with the richness and perfe%ion of your b100d**

**CT: D - I just hate you so much**

**TC: ThAt'S cOoL, i CaN't AlL bE mAkInG nOt EvErYbOdY hApPy AlL tHe TiMe.**

**TC: iF wE eVeR mEt I cOuLd BaKe YoU a FuCkIn PiE aNd We CoUlD cHiLl AnD mAyBe We'D bE bEtTeR bRoS tHaT wAy.**

**CT: D - And the degrees to which you pollute your precious b100d**

**CT: D - With your bottled fizzy sugar and soporific to%ins**

**CT: D - Maddening**

**CT: D - You will stop**

**TC: WhOaAaA, i WiLl?**

**TC: hOw Do YoU kNoW tHaT?**

**CT: D - No, you don't understand**

**CT: D - It's not a predi%ion, it's an order**

**CT: D - I command you to stop**

**TC: Oh, AlRiGhT bRoThEr.**

**TC: yOu MoThErFuCkIn GoT iT.**

**CT: D - What**

**CT: D - Are you serious**

**TC: yEaH.**

**TC: I mEaN, yOu GoT tO sHoW sOmE fAiTh In YoUr FrIeNdS, cAuSe ThEy'Re AlL tHe OnEs WhO'rE bEiNg To LoOk OuT fOr YoU.**

**TC: sO fUcK iF yOu SaY i'M nOt DoInG tHe ShIt RiGhT, tHeN wHaT tHe MoThErFuCk Do I kNoW!**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - This is una%eptable**

**CT: D - Ok, let's start over**

**CT: D - I apologize**

**CT: D - I was completely out of of line, and I'm sorry**

**CT: D - I have no right to talk to you like that, or tell you what you can't do**

**TC: aWw, No WoRrIeS!**

**CT: D - It's not my place**

**CT: D - Your habits notwithstanding, I am lesser than you**

**CT: D - An inferior**

**TC: hAhAhA. oK.**

**CT: D - Don't you understand that you're better than me**

**CT: D - Can you please act like it**

**CT: D - That's not a command, it's just a polite request I guess**

**TC: oK, i CaN tRy, BuT mAn I dOn'T kNoW iF i KnOw HoW tO bE lIkE a BeTtEr MoThErFuCkEr ThAn AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr.**

**CT: D - 100k, it isn't that difficult**

**CT: D - Try to be cognizant of your desires and needs**

**CT: D - And attempt to regard those around you as simple vehicles meant to bring about your gratification**

**TC: WoW, wHaT?**

**CT: D - What are you doing**

**TC: uHhHhHh.**

**CT: D - Right now**

**CT: D - It sounds as if you have begun playing with the red team**

**CT: D - Is this true**

**TC: yEaH!**

**TC: fUcK yEaH. i'M aLl Up In ThE fUcKiN sHiT oF tHiS wIcKeD mYsTiCaL mOtHeRfUcKeR.**

**TC: i BoNkEd An ImP oN tHe HeAd WiTh A cLuB.**

**TC: AnD tHeN a LiTtLe LaTeR i ScArEd OnE wItH a HoRn.**

**TC: :o)**

**CT: D - Good**

**CT: D - This is very good**

**CT: D - It really pleases me to hear tales of physical subjugation**

**CT: D - I presume these were lesser beings, toiling in the lower ranks of some hierarchy**

**TC: wElL yEaH, tHeY'rE uNdErLiNgS.**

**TC: AnD tHeRe'S SoMe SuBjUgGlAtIoN iNvOlVeD fOr FuCkIn SuRe!**

**TC: bUt NoW wE kInD oF sEtTlEd DoWn AnD mE aNd ThE iMpS aRe ShArInG sOmE pIe**

**TC: tHeSe MoThErFuCkErS aRe PrEtTy DoPe AcTuAlLy, I lIkE tHeM.**

**CT: D - Ok**

**CT: D - It pleases me considerably less to hear things like that**

**CT: D - But I've already stated I have no right to be disappointed by your conduct, so I will try to control myself**

**TC: aW sHiT bRo, I dOn'T wAnT tO bE aLl LiKe To DiSaPpOiNt YoU!**

**TC: WhAt CaN i Do To MaKe A bRoThEr FuCkIn ShApE hIs ShIt Up?**

**TC: iF i CoUlD mAkE yOu SmIlE iT'd Be ThE bEsT fUcKiN mIrAcLe I eVeR dId PaRt Of.**

**TC: hOnK hOnK hOnK! :o)**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**CT: D - Would it be too much to ask**

**CT: D - For you to maybe**

**CT: D - Boss me around a little**

**TC: UuUhHhHhH.**

**TC: yOu MeAn LiKe RoLe PlAyInG?**

**CT: D - If it would help to couch it in those terms**

**CT: D - Then yeah, I guess so**

**CT: D - But not the especially juvenile kind**

**CT: D - Let's keep it serious and professional**

**TC: i'Ll TrY, bUt I'm NoT mUcH fUcKiN aNy GoOd At It I tHiNk.**

**CT: D - Just**

**CT: D - Say anything**

**CT: D - As long as it's authoritative**

**TC: oK.**

**TC: uH, hEy YoU, dOn'T gO nEaR tHe MoThErFuCkIn OcEaN, cAuSe I aLl ToLd YoU nOt To A bUnCh Of TiMeS!**

**TC: ShIt Is StRaIgHt Up DaNgErOuS, aNd I'm GeTtInG mY hArSh On AbOuT iT.**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**CT: D - Decent**

**CT: D - I don't live near the ocean though, so it's hard to immerse myself in the scenario**

**TC: aLrIgHt, WeLl, WhAt ArEn'T yOu AlL nOt SuPpOsEd To Do?**

**TC: WhAt KiNd Of MiScHiEf Do YoU gEt YoUr BaD fUcKiN sElF uP tO?**

**CT: D - I do so many bad things**

**CT: D - Just awful things**

**CT: D - I'm incredibly impudent and a superior needs to put me in my place**

**TC: uMmMm, Ok WeLl.**

**TC: DoN't Be DoIn AlL tHoSe BaD fUcKiN tHiNgS bRo!**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - Yes, that's good**

**CT: D - Like that**

**TC: cUt ThAt ShIt OuT, i'M sO aLl MeAnInG tHiS! hAhAhA.**

**CT: D - E%cellent**

**CT: D - Now tell me this, highb100d**

**CT: D - I've been roughhousing a little too hard lately**

**CT: D - I've made a bit of a mess and anyone in a position of authority would surely be % about it**

**TC: Uh.**

**TC: %?**

**CT: D - Cross**

**TC: oHhH.**

**CT: D - What do you make of it**

**CT: D - This wretched misbehavior**

**TC: fUcK mAn, I aM sO mOtHeRfUcKiN sAlTy AbOuT aLl ThAt BuSiNeSs YoU sAiD!**

**TC: FuUuUuCk, Im LiKe AlL mOvInG mY mOuTh AnD tHe WiCkEd NoIsE iS cOmInG oUt In ThE fRoNtIeSt WaY pOsSiBlE.**

**TC: aNd It'S gOiNg At YoUr DiReCtIoN, cAuSe ThAt'S tHe DiReCtIoN tO fUcKiN bE aNgRy At!**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - So good**

**CT: D - I am presently whipped into a state of contrition**

**CT: D - One befitting of our class disparity**

**CT: D - But I'm starting to perspire again so it's best that we stop**

**CT: D - Thank you for indulging me**

**TC: hAhA, nO pRoBlEm BrO.**

**TC: It'S cOoL wE cOuLd AlL uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn OpEn Up A lItTlE bIt WiTh EaCh OtHeR.**

**TC: lIkE bRoS.**

**TC: If ThErE's StUfF yOu WaNt To GeT oFf YoUr ChEsT dUdE, lIkE i SaId I'm FuCkIn HeRe FoR a MoThErFuCkEr.**

**TC: kInD oF lIkE a MiRaClE, hOw It'S aLwAyS tHeRe. **

**TC: It NeVeR gOeS aWaY, yOu KnOw?**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - But I comprehend the sentiment**

**CT: D - I have lots of thoughts, but they're difficult to communicate**

**CT: D - If you'll listen**

**TC: sUrE! :oD**

**CT: D - Honestly I'm confused by the social order**

**TC: mAn, Me ToO. i DoN't KnOw WhAt Of FuCkIn WhAt CoLoR iS wHaT, sO i DoN't BoThEr WiTh ThInKiN oN tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR.**

**CT: D - See, that's what I mean**

**CT: D - How is it possible for one of your distin%ion to be so ignorant**

**CT: D - And loathesome**

**CT: D - Whereas**

**CT: D - A member of the most abject, verminous b100dline of all**

**CT: D - Can conduct herself with such grace and possess nothing but admirable mannerisms**

**CT: D - I find these striking ju%tapositions perple%ing, and I confess strangely into%icating**

**CT: D - I wonder if I have gone mad**

**CT: D - To form such a pact with her**

**TC: WoW, i GoT nO fUcKiN cLuE wHaT yOu'Re TaLkInG aBoUt**

**TC: wHo Is ShE?**

**CT: D - I shouldn't be talking about this**

**CT: D - You're the enemy**

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **ceased trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****centaursTesticle [CT]**

**AG: Equiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuus.**

**CT: D - What**

**AG: Hey! I'm a8out to meddle with so many losers right now.**

**CT: D - How many**

**AG: So many! All the losers. All of them.**

**CT: D - Good**

**CT: D - Use your cunning and venom to make them envy our nobility**

**AG: Oh man, was that sarcasm? That sounded like sarcasm!**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - Humorous insincerity is for pedantic wigglers**

**AG: Pshhhhhhhh, I know! I know you never make jokes. I was the one 8eing sarcastic, you stooge!**

**AG: I was 8eing sarcastic a8out you 8eing sarcastic. Duh.**

**CT: D - That's because you're a little worse than me**

**AG: The fuck I am! Anyway. Hey!**

**AG: Did you finish Aradia's present yet? I'm a8out to fuss with her and I want to know if I can keep my promise or if you're gonna make a liar out of me.**

**CT: D - It's finished**

**CT: D - I'll deliver it shortly**

**AG: Great! Thanks, 8uddy. I'll 8e w8ting here for you.**

**CT: D - I'm happy to help**

**CT: D - But I don't understand why you're intent on gratifying that worthless peasant**

**AG: 8ecause I promised I would and it's none of your damn 8usiness! Man.**

**AG: Quit your prying! Always fidgeting and poking and prying.**

**CT: D - Fine**

**CT: D - Then let's proceed with the plan in a curt and professional manner**

**AG: Agreeeeeeeed.**

**AG: So just to review!**

**AG: We will let Aradia perpetr8 her cute little ploy on Sollux and usurp his power.**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AG: Isn't it funny when these chumps try to get all tactical and underhanded? It's really adora8le!**

**CT: D - I guess it is pretty quaint**

**AG: Anyway. She makes her little powergra8, and that's when we 8oth step in and usurp her as co-leaders.**

**AG: Right?**

**CT: D - That's the plan**

**AG: Ok, good. Then the 8est team will 8e led 8y the two highest 8loods, the way it should 8e!**

**AG: Or at least, the highest 8loods who aren't shitty clown worshippers or under water freaks. Sound good?**

**CT: D - Yes, we're in absolute agreement**

**AG: Yes.**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AG: Yes.**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AG: Yeeeeeeees!**

**CT: D - Stop**

**AG: Gr8! What a gr8 team we are.**

**AG: Heeeeeeeey...**

**AG: You wouldn't 8e planning anything sneaky, would you?**


	58. Book 4 Chapter 11: Vriska's Meddling

Chapter 11: Vriska's Meddling

**CT: D - No, don't be absurd**

**CT: D - Are you**

**AG: What! How could you suggest such a thing! Man, so insulting.**

**CT: D - Ok**

**AG: Perfect. We have the perfect plan, and no one is plotting any sort of dou8lecrossings or 8acksta88ery or anything like that.**

**CT: D - There are no %%ings up my sleeve**

**CT: D - Also, I don't have sleeves**

**CT: D - I am as transparent as can be, and my word is my bond**

**AG: I know! Don't worry, dude. I trust you completely.**

**CT: D - You know**

**CT: D - I can feel you trying to read my mind**

**AG: 8ullshit!**

**AG: Pro8a8ly just another one of your many daily rage aneurysms.**

**AG: Why don't you cool your jets and have a glass of gross muscle8east milk?**

**CT: D - Get out of my head, it's making me angry**

**CT: D - Try to remember who built your arm for you**

**AG: Oh g8d!**

**AG: D8n't you d8re!**

Equius controlled Vriska's arm, causing her to robo-slap herself. He got up and left his respiteblock before she could troll him angrily, delving deeper into his hive where he stored many of his robotic projects. The lair doubled as a caged arena where he battled them.

Under a tarp to his left was the completed gift to Aradia. He of course had no intention of delivering this to his neighbor as promised. He would naturally doublecross his accomplice, just as he assumed she had plans to doublecross him. He assumed she was assuming the same of him. Business as usual for blue bloods.

Equius would deliver the gift to Aradia himself to gain her favor, and then doublecross her and take his rightful position as team leader. How ironic that someone of his blood purity had to work to gain the favor of the lowest sort of peasant. Humiliating. Strangely titillating, even. But in the end, class order would be restored.

Equius lifted the tarp, revealing his latest invention, the Aradiabot. She had a sparkling new chassis. He'd paid a great deal of attention to quality and detail in this model. She was perfect. He'd even painted on her Aries symbol in blue, to remind her of him…

Speaking of which, Equius wasn't quite sure what to make of the feelings the Aradiabot stirred. For one like him to entertain thoughts of attraction for such genetic filth would be utter depravity. Exquisite, delectable depravity.

"Why, Aradia!" he swooned. "It appears the red glass of your eye has caught the pink and green glint of the moons in their perigrees." The sweet poetry almost made a man forget how the grime that had once filled his veins made his stomach turn. It was a good omen for illicit lovers. Could you imagine the scandal if anyone found out? No one must ever know.

"But worry not," Equius said, leaning the robot backwards and puckering his lips. "Your heart will pump no more of that despicable red sludge. You have been given a new heart. You can be taught the ways of the class you were meant for. No one is beyond redemption.

"Be grateful, dear Aradia. For the first time in your meaningless life you have met a man with true compassion."

He leaned in closer to the robot before swiveling in place and turning towards one of the other robots in the brawl cage. "And just what do you think _you're_ looking at?" he asked. "Keep your cold, mechanical judgement to yourself. As if your own record is so spotless! Don't forget who made you.

"Oh, what's that?" he said, pretending the robot had spoken. "My, that is a smart mouth you have." That was the last straw. An example had to be made of this insubordination.

Equius punched the robot through the wall. The compromised internal system caused it to robo-splode in midair over the doomsday device. The robot's head bopped against Vriska's silly device, which was unfortuitously activated, and… the lousy thing broke.

He seriously could not believe how unbelievably shitty this so-called "doomsday device" was. Suddenly, two of the chains snapped and the device swung against Equius's pillar in a large explosion. Half of the robot-building troll's hive crumbled away into the deep crevice below, including most of his respiteblock. Vriska's Spidermom lusus was crushed by the rubble and Aurthour, who'd unfortunately been standing in the wrong half of Equius's respiteblock, fell into the crevice to the ground below, most certainly dead.

Moments earlier, Terezi stood on her roof in the Land of Thought and Flow, surrounded by five flying red demon imps. She held up her spear cane and threatened the imps, when suddenly, someone started to meddle with her through her glasses. It was Vriska.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AG: It looks like tonight we will have to 8reak our truce. Or at least suspend it. Hope you don't mind!**

**GC: HOW DO YOU F1GUR3 TH4T**

**AG: Because tonight we will play a game together. For the first time in I don't even know. Forever!**

**GC: TH3 TRUC3 W4SNT 4BOUT NOT PL4Y1NG G4M3S TOG3TH3R DUMMY**

**GC: 1T W4S 4BOUT NOT ST4BB1NG 34CH OTH3R 1N TH3 B4CK 4NYMOR3**

**GC: 4ND STOPP1NG TH3 3NDL3SS CYCL3 OF R3V3NG3**

**GC: 4ND 4BOV3 4LL NOT US1NG YOUR POW3RS TO HURT P3OPL3 WHO DONT D3S3RV3 1T!**

**AG: Man, you like to give me such a hard time a8out all that. I can't catch a 8reak!**

**AG: Can't you see I'm trying to put all that 8ehind me and make amends with every8ody?**

**AG: No, of course you can't see that. What am I saying!**

**GC: 1T'S H4RD TO B3L13V3 YOU W1TH 4LL TH3 LY1NG YOUV3 DON3**

**GC: YOUR BLU3B3RRY BUBBL3GUM WORDS ST1LL SM3LL PR3TTY GOOD BUT YOUR D3C31T ST1NKS! 8O**

**AG: ::::(**

**AG: I'll prove it to you. I'm giving Aradia a present that will make her feel all 8etter finally.**

**AG: Then I'll 8e in the clear. Phew! Totally redeemed. You'll see. I mean smell.**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW WHY YOUR3 BOTH3R1NG TRY1NG TO H3LP H3R**

**GC: SH3 WONT C4R3**

**GC: WH4T3V3R 1T W4S YOU D1D TO H3R 1 TH1NK YOU BROK3 H3R BR41N**

**GC: 1TS SO T3RR1BL3**

**AG: Man, why can't you cut me some slack for once?**

**AG: It's not like I even did anything that 8ad to you.**

**AG: I lost seven eyes 8ut you only lost two! I would say you came out ahead in the 8argain.**

**GC: 1 KNOW**

**GC: 4ND 4CTU4LLY**

**GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TH3 CH4NC3 TO TH4NK YOU :D**

**AG: Ugh! Your sarcasm really stings when here I am just trying to 8e nice. Ok, I guess I deserve it.**

**GC: 1M S3R1OUS THOUGH**

**GC: BUT 1 DONT 3XP3CT YOU TO G3T TH4T**

**AG: Aaaaaaaah!**

**AG: Fine, 8e that way. But you shouldn't sit there and pretend we're so different.**

**AG: Remem8er Team Scourge? How convenient all that must 8e to have forgotten! You were so nasty.**

**AG: Oh man, if you crossed Terezi Pyrope you were fucked!**

**GC: Y34H 1F YOU W3R3 4 B4D GUY**

**GC: W3 W3R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3 L1K3 4 V1G1L4NT3 DUO D1SP3NS1NG JUST1C3**

**GC: 4ND YOU COULD T4K3 TH3 B4D GUYS HOM3 4ND F33D TH3M TO YOUR STUP1D SP1D3R**

**GC: BUT 1NST34D YOU JUST F3D H3R 3V3RYBODY!**

**GC: 4ND L13D 4ND L13D 4ND L13D**

**AG: Yeah, those were the days.**

**AG: I mean, days full of mist8kes and r8gret!**

**AG: But it was still a lot of fun. Watching you dismantle huge teams of Flarpers with nothing 8ut politics and head games.**

**AG: Without even using any special powers! Wow.**

**GC: M3H**

**AG: Come oooooooon!**

**AG: What do I have to do here?**

**GC: 1 DUNNO**

**AG: Well if you want to know what I think, you should start changing your tune.**

**AG: Cause even though you got all these highfalutin morals and fancy reserv8tions, you know as well as me that a killer is a killer is a killer!**

**AG: There 8n't no ch8nging your ways for good, and one d8y you're going to flail that silly l8ttle cane of yours and not find n8thin to 8ump into, and fall f8ce first into the shit ag8in.**

**AG: And you're going to do something t8rri8le to some8ody and wish you could t8ke it 8ack 8ut you c8n't!**

**AG: And then you'll work hard to win 8ack their trust, and you'll try and try and tr8, and you'll see how hard it is!**

**AG: You'll seeeeeeee!**

**GC: 1 DOUBT 1T**

**AG: You'll see.**

**AG: I am whispering that and it is echoing and ominous.**

**AG: You'll seeeeeeee...**

**AG: You'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee**

**AG: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...**

**GC: OH W1LL YOU C4N 1T S3RK3T!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**GC: XO**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AG: Whoa, what was that?**

**GC: WH4T W4S WH4T**

**AG: There was a loud noise outside my hive!**

**AG: It sounded like an explosion.**

**GC: WOW R34LLY**

**AG: And then another one!**

**AG: And now something that sounds like an avalanche!**

**GC: W3LL 1F 1 H4D TO GU3SS**

**GC: 1 WOULD S4Y**

**GC: 1T W4S PROB4BLY TWO 3XPLOS1ONS 4ND TH3N 4N 4V4L4NCH3**

**AG: That dum8ass is probably punching ro8ots again.**

**AG: I will go outside and look.**

**GC: OK**

**GC: TRY NOT TO G3T BURN3D OR CRUSH3D TO D34TH OR 4NYTH1NG TH4T WOULD B3 4WFUL**

**AG: You got it! ::::::::)**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

Much, much earlier than that whole thing (this is a flashback), Terezi stood in her respiteblock, typing away at a computer through which she was conversing with Aradia. She wasn't wearing glasses, though, because this was before her accident (i.e. she hadn't been blinded yet). This was also after Tavros's accident (which really hadn't been an accident because Vriska pushed… whatever, that's quite enough of these unnecessary explicative parentheses).

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**GC: HOW 1S H3**

**AA: 0k**

**AA: he cant walk th0ugh**

**AA: pr0bably never will**

**GC: :[**

**GC: M4YB3 H3 COULD B3 F1X3D**

**GC: W1TH ROBO PROSTH3T1CS**

**GC: 1F YOU D1DNT M1ND G3TT1NG H3LP FROM...**

**GC: UH :\**

**AA: n0!**

**AA: neither he 0r i sh0uld have ever had anything t0 d0 with th0se hateful sn0bs**

**AA: it was a big mistake**

**AA: n0 0ffense 0_0**

**GC: TH4TS OK**

**GC: 1M 4 L1TTL3 TOO T34L FOR TH31R T4ST3S 4NYW4Y :]**

**AA: i d0nt see why theyd lift a finger t0 help him**

**AA: they hate us b0th s0 much**

**AA: im s0 mad!**

**GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 NOT TH1NK1NG OF DO1NG 4NYTH1NG 1N R3T4L14T1ON**

**GC: 1TLL 3ND B4DLY**

**GC: YOU SHOULD L3T M3 H4NDL3 1T**

**AA: im n0t scared 0f her**

**AA: she cant c0ntr0l me**

**AA: shes tried it d0esnt w0rk**

**GC: 1 KNOW**

**GC: BUT TRUST M3 1F YOU P1SS H3R OFF SH3LL F1ND 4 W4Y TO G3T YOU**

**GC: TH1S 1S R34LLY TR1CKY JUST L3T M3 D34L W1TH 1T**

**AA: but it was my fault**

**AA: i was distracted when i c0uld have helped him**

**GC: 1 W4S TOO**

**GC: W3 W3R3 BOTH D1STR4CT3D BY TH3 S4M3 TH1NG**

**AA: yeah**

**AA: wh0 was he anyway**

**GC: PR3TTY SUR3 1T WAS VR1SKAS FR13ND**

**AA: what was he d0ing there**

**AA: watching us**

**GC: WHO KNOWS**

**GC: H3S NOT R34LLY H3R FR13ND THOUGH**

**GC: YOU SHOULD S33 HOW H3 T4LKS 4BOUT H3R B3H1ND H3R B4CK**

**GC: SH3 H4S NO 1D34 HOW B4D H3S PL4Y1NG H3R**

**GC: BUT TH3N 1 DONT TH1NK H3 KNOWS HOW B4D SH3S PL4Y1NG H1M 31TH3R**

**GC: S33 1TS COMPL1C4T3D**

**GC: YOU R34LLY N33D TO ST4Y OUT OF 1T 4ND L3T M3 D34L W1TH TH1S**

**AA: i guess s0**

**AA: i feel p0werless sitting here d0ing n0thing th0ugh**

**AA: its like she wins even if y0u get her back!**

**GC: DONT TH1NK OF 1T TH4T W4Y**

**GC: 1 KNOW HOW TO STOP H3R**

**GC: TRUST M3**

**AA: i guess 0ur gaming days are 0ver then**

**AA: us f0ur at least**

**GC: Y3P**

**GC: 1M PR3TTY MUCH DON3 W1TH H3R**

Aradia sighed. It was probably best that listened to the advice of a friend. And yet, the voices were as lucid as ever. They urged her to make Vriska pay. She was going to do it, regardless of what Terezi said. She was going to make Vriska pay.

It was a shame it had had to come to this. She didn't like summoning the spirits of the dead to settle scores. But if Vriska had to face her victims again, maybe she'd finally learn to feel remorse.

Vriska stood in her respiteblock, looking at a picture of Marquise Spinneret Mindfang dreamily. One of her eyes had one pupil in it, and the other seven red ones, all bunched together in an almost hexagonal shape.

Suddenly, she was surrounded by a bunch of ghosts. She sank to her knees in agony as the ghostly wails pierced through her ears. And then there was the alert sound that played whenever someone started talking to her via Trollian. She stood shakily and stumbled over to her computer.

**Well?**

**AG: Well what! I am surrounded 8y ghosts and kind of fre8king out a8out it!**

**I know.**

**I'm asking what you intend to do about it.**

**AG: I don't know, I guess I will just curl into a little 8all and cry and hope they go aw8y!**

**AG: Is that what you want to hear you sick f8ck?**

**Aren't you going to kill her?**

**AG: Who?**

**Your friend.**

**The one who summoned the spirits.**

**AG: Will that make them go away?**

**Does it matter?**

**She brought them here to torment you. This obviously warrants revenge.**

**You know you're going to anyway. You won't be able to help yourself.**

**AG: I don't have to do shit!**

**AG: May8e I don't mind ghosts. May8e they'll 8e gr8 company once I get used to them!**

**No, they are terrifying you.**

**There's only one thing to do.**

**AG: Ok, so why don't YOU kill her! 8e my guest! Wow, thanks for offering. Wh8t a pal!**

**That's not how I work.**

**AG: Oh really, well you seemed pretty excited a8out killing Tavros too.**

**AG: And you even helped! So I guess that is how you work after all.**

**Not really.**

**All I did was stand somewhere for a few minutes.**

**I just gave you an opportunity to do something you wanted to do anyway.**

**You hated him, remember?**

**AG: I know I did! I still do, I guess. I dunno.**

**AG: 8ut I was never gonna kill these people. They were like, off limits I guess?**

**AG: These games were just supposed to 8e fun and serve no other purpose!**

**They were serving a very important purpose.**

**AG: Yeah ok, you getting off on talking a girl into killing her 8uddies sure is important!**

**AG: Los8r.**

**Again, I didn't talk you into anything, nor am I doing so now.**

**You were, and are, going to do this regardless.**

**I only ever place myself into positions of tangential involvement with events that will bring about my employer's entry into this universe.**

**I oversee the events as they take place, and ever so slightly nudge them into motion when necessary.**

**AG: I'm 8eginning to think you really 8elieve that! So delusion8l. You're just a path8tic, lonely gamer who 8uys into his own character profile 8S.**

**The omniscient have no need for beliefs and no room for delusion.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: You're the dum8est omniscient person I ever met.**

**AG: Sure you know a lot, 8ut I know for a FACT there's stuff you don't know.**

**That's true.**

**But the gaps in my knowledge exist by design.**

**They are the pillars of shadow on which my comprehensive vision is built.**

**Necessary pockets of void meant to effectuate outcomes I've foreseen and which will require my influence.**

**Each dark pocket, in time, will be filled.**

**But I wonder why I waste this nuance on you.**

**AG: 8ecause you need to add more 8l8tant lies to patch up all the holes in your sad cover story.**

**I don't lie.**

**Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives.**

**I play with my cards face up.**

**Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?**

**AG: ::::P**

**AG: Yeah, 8ut I'm getting closer to 8eating you. You'll see.**

**Look at that. The short amount of time I have reserved for arguing with a child has expired.**

**I will go.**

**But maybe you're right. Maybe you are a person with free will and you won't kill your friend.**

**What do I know?**

**Enjoy your haunting.**

Of course he was right. Not much point in living with all these moaning spooks just to spite some guy she didn't give a shit about. But how to go about killing her? Vriska couldn't control her. It could be difficult to manipulate the minds of the psychically gifted.

Let's see. Who else was there. Terezi? Forget about it. What about that guy? Nah. Her? Nope. Not him either. How about this guy? Unfortunately, she could only control him about half the time. Then again, that should've been all the time she needed.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AG: Araaaaaaaadiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaa.**

**AA: what**

**AG: Nice trick! With the ghosts and all. Man, you got me pretty good.**

**AA: id rather n0t talk t0 y0u**

**AG: Fair enough!**

**AG: Just wanted to say I'm sorry, that's all.**

**AA: im n0t the 0ne y0u sh0uld ap0l0gize t0**

**AG: Yeah I know. I'll make it up to him some day. Don't worry!**

**AG: Anyway, hey guess what?**

**AG: I've got a message for you from your 8oyfriend.**

**AG: He's outside your hive right now!**

**AA: n0t falling f0r it**

**AG: Take a look.**

**AA: i d0nt see anything 0ut there**

**AG: Well ok, I'm just the messenger. If you want to risk missing him then suit yourself.**

**AG: L8er!**

"It must be a trick!" Aradia said. He surely would have told her if he was making the trip all the way out here from his hive stem. She stepped outside and looked up at the sky. There he was, sure as day. "Sollux!" Aradia called. She smiled but it quickly degenerated into a look of horror. Blue and red streams of faint light emanated from his eyes, and he held a jar of mind honey in his hand.

**AG: Arrivederci, Megido.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**


	59. Book 4 Chapter : White Text Guy

Sorry I can't actually make Doc Scratch's writing white. You're going to have to deal with it, though, unless you PM me to see the story in its full glory.

Sorry again. :( -Morn

* * *

Chapter : The White Text Guy

(The chapter number has been written in white ink and there is no Vriska around to highlight it, so…)

Somewhere on Alternia's green moon stood a man known as the white text guy. The narrative attempted to shift to him and failed, because no one except the white text guy could shift the narrative to the white text guy. Just for the sake of me not having to say "the white text guy" over and over again, he decided to introduce himself. His name was **D****o****c Scratch**. As you can see, he was courteous enough to highlight the white "o" in his name.

Doc Scratch (we'll not bother with color from now on) wore a white lab coat over a green shirt the same color as the text in the above paragraph. He also had a bowtie on because bowties were cool. He held his hands behind his back in an authoritative and yet humble gesture. His head was a giant white ball. He stood in what appeared to be a green-colored sitting room. A gun sat in its sling on a green chair, near which was a globe that was a model of Skaia. There was a typewriter on his desk and a Skaian cube next to him, which was generally what the planet became after the third player entered the medium (at least, in a four-player session, which the trolls' one was not).

Doc Scratch was an officer of an indestructible demon known as Lord English. It would have been cool if I had written his name with a gif of all of the cueballs changing into each other, but Doc Scratch was not in the mood for "cool" (except for with bowties). His only task here in this universe was to pave the way for the arrival of his master, who would be summoned upon the termination of the universe. Doc Scratch had worked at this task for many centuries, and would continue to do so until The Great Undoing.

Scratch was Alternia's first guardian. Every planet destined for intelligence life had such an entity meant to protect it and facilitate the planet's ultimate purpose. A first guardian was typically as old as the planet itself, and each had a unique, circuitous origin through the knots of paradox space. They could be born into a great diversity of forms, though they all shared a common, especially potent genetic sequence. The code granted them near omnipotence, and when merged with a host of great intelligence, near omniscience as well.

Doc Scratch shifted out of existence momentarily, but returned just as quickly, green electrical energy flowing around him.

"Oh, that rings a bell, does it?" Doc Scratch asked curiously. "Yes, it should. Maybe if you are smart, you'll figure it out immediately, but if not you will have to read and wait."

He stepped over to the Skaian Battlefield cube and looked at it. Um… okay. This is Hussie speaking here. I can't actually tell what he was doing. He was a first guardian, after all. And guardians were really very mysterious. Both the omnipotent kind and the ordinary kind who raised kids in houses. It was universal law of reality.

Scratch turned to face the fourth wall. "Ah, Mr. Hussie, you have just provided a clue to the conundrum I posed earlier to the reader and not to you. How very unfortunate." (Dammit, Doc Scratch! Stop breaking the fourth wall!, I whispered between two parentheses).

Whether or not he'd heard me, he returned to pondering the Battlefield. It looked like he was wondering about his next move in a chess game he was playing with some wicked troll girl down on the planet the moon he was on orbited. Usually these matches were no contest, but she'd been getting closer to beating him lately, and he had no idea how this was possible. Uncertainty, though rare, was quite a troubling sensation for the omniscient.

Oh, and was this? It appeared someone was contacting him on his typewriter. More bothersome uncertainty. How was it that this youngster, a certain Terezi Pyrope, was able to relay an unsolicited message? Doc Scratch didn't even have an account name!

**GC: H3Y WH1T3 T3XT GUY**

**GC: 1 H4V3 4 T1P FOR YOU**

**How were you able to contact me?**

**Never mind, I figured it out instantly.**

**GC: R34LLY?**

**Yes, through my limitless intellect.**

**Occasionally I discover there are things I have not always known.**

**It gives me the opportunity to make deductions, which are practically always flawless.**

**It's gratifying.**

**GC: UH OK**

**GC: TH4TS N34T 1 GU3SS**

**You asked your clever friend with the colorful spectacles to trace the source of my messages.**

**He then established a relay for your messages to reach this source through some sort of computational proxy.**

**I gather he has recovered from his implementation as a weapon in the sabotage of your mutual friend, whom you both believe to be dead.**

**GC: OH MY GOD WH1T3 T3XT GUY!**

**GC: SHUT UP! :O**

**GC: 1M TRY1NG TO G1V3 YOU 4 M3SS4G3 H3R3**

**I have a name.**

**It is not White Text Guy.**

**GC: OH WHAT 1S 1T**

**I'm not going to tell you my name.**

**But if you wish, you may refer to me as Mr. Vanilla Milkshake.**

**GC: YOU 4R3 SO W31RD**

**GC: WHY WOULD 1 DO TH4T**

**It is perfectly in keeping with a habit which you will develop in the future.**

**GC: 1 DOUBT 1T**

**Why?**

**GC: SOUNDS K1ND OF S1LLY 4ND FR1VOLOUS**

**GC: BL4R WHY DO YOU K33P D3R41L1NG M3!**

**GC: YOUR3 R1GHT SOLLUX 1S WORK1NG W1TH M3 4ND W3 H4V3 1MPORT4NT BUS1N3SS FOR YOU TO CONS1D3R**

**GC: W41T**

**GC: YOU S41D W3 B3L13V3 OUR FR13ND 1S D34D**

**GC: 1S SH3 NOT?**

**Yes, I said you believe she is dead.**

**And soon, you will believe she is not.**

**Both statements are true.**

**And yet each exhibits a trace of falsehood.**

**GC: WOW WHY D1D 1 BOTH3R 4SK1NG**

**GC: NO WOND3R SH3 SN4PP3D SH3S GOT TO D34L W1TH YOUR STUP1D R1DDL3S 4LL TH3 T1M3**

**GC: 4NYW4Y C4N YOU JUST H3LP M3 G3T R3V3NG3 SO W3 C4N C4LL 1T 4 N1GHT**

**Why would I involve myself in your paltry feud beyond the extent I already have?**

**I believe the need to exert such influence has come to an end.**

**GC: B3C4US3 YOULL W4NT TO**

**GC: WH3N YOU H34R WH4T 1 H4V3 TO S4Y**

**I doubt it.**

**GC: H4V3NT YOU WOND3R3D HOW SH3 C4N COM3 CLOS3 TO B34T1NG YOU 1N G4M3S L4T3LY**

**GC: HON3STLY 1M SURPR1S3D YOU H4V3NT D3DUC3D 1T Y3T**

**GC: W1TH YOUR SH1NY WH1T3 SUP3RBR41N**

**It's disturbing.**

**But sometimes that is the nature of these hollows in my perception.**

**It feels a bit like dark water, sloshing about the cavity in my head.**

**What do you know of this?**

**GC: SH3S CH34T1NG**

**GC: SH3 4LW4YS CH34TS 1F SH3 C4N F1ND 4 W4Y**

**GC: L4T3LY SH3S US3D TH3 S4M3 4DV4NT4G3 SH3 US3S 4G41NST M3 WH3N W3 PL4Y G4M3S**

**GC: BUT SH3 TOLD M3 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: SH3 T3LLS M3 LOTS OF STUFF L1K3 TH4T PROB4BLY TO RUB 1T 1N MY F4C3**

**GC: BUT SH3D N3V3R R1SK T3LL1NG YOU**

**What advantage is this?**

**GC: HOLD ON**

**GC: 1 H4V3 TO T4LK TO YOUR P4RTN3R 1N CR1M3 FOR 4 S3COND :]**

**I thought you were hers.**

**GC: :P**

Terezi snarled in disgust. Vriska had gone too far this time, and she knew it. She had to pay. Justice was long overdue. The only sad part was how easy it was going to be. It would take no skilled manipulator to orchestrate the spider girl's downfall. She was a waste of Terezi's talents.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**GC: H3Y VR1SK4**

**GC: 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y**

**AG: Ummmmmmmmm, no?**

**AG: A8out what?**

**GC: 4BOUT K1LL1NG H3R**

**GC: 4FT3R YOU S41D YOU WOULDNT**

**AG: Oh, that? I thought we were done talking a8out it!**

**AG: We concluded I messed up and I'm completely horri8le in every way.**

**AG: I can only feel SO AWFUL, you know. Here, I'm 8anging my head against the desk now.**

**AG: 8ang 8ang 8ang. Are you happy?**

**GC: NOT R34LLY**

**AG: Uuuuuuuugh, what do you want from me?**

**GC: 1M NOT SUR3**

**GC: 1 GU3SS 1M LOOK1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON TO CH4NG3 MY M1ND**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOU C4N S4Y TH4TLL DO 1T**

**GC: 1 SORT4 HOP3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG THOUGH**

**AG: You should lighten up a 8it. May8e even congratul8 me!**

**AG: Wow, great jo8 Vriska! Single handedly taking out Team Charge like that.**

**AG: No more competition from those low class clowns!**

**GC: N4H TH4T W4SNT 1T**

**AG: Ok, well, change your mind a8out what!**

**AG: What are you going to do, Pyrope!**

**GC: 1 W4S PROB4BLY JUST GO1NG TO K1LL YOU**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: You mean from your tree? With all your AMAAAAAAAAZING POWERS?**

**AG: Tell me, what sort of powers do tree girls have? Swinging from vines and stuff?**

**GC: MY TR33 DO3SNT H4V3 V1N3S :[**

**GC: SOM3T1M3S 1 L3T OTH3R P3OPL3 SW1NG FROM ROP3S THOUGH :]**

**GC: Y34H 4NYW4Y YOULL B3 D34D 1N 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S**

**AG: Yeah right!**

**AG: Complete and total muscle8east shit!**

**GC: 1F YOU DONT B3L13V3 M3**

**GC: WHY DONT YOU CONSULT W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 4DV4NT4G3**

**GC: 1T S33MS TO H4V3 4LL TH3 4NSW3RS**

**AG: I don't need to do that to know you're 8luffing.**

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: BUT**

**GC: YOU KNOW YOUR3 GONN4 4NYW4Y**

**GC: 4DD1CT1ON 1S 4 POW3RFUL TH1NG :]**

**GC: S33 Y4**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

Terezi couldn't have been serious. What could _possibly_ lead to her demise in a matter of minutes? What could it possibly be? Vriska decided to consult her little advantage, a magic cue ball, which was an extremely rare treasure she'd recently plundered from an ancient crypt, and one of many rumored to be hidden across the globe. Each at one time had belonged to the strange and powerful man fabled to live on the green moon, but had since managed to escape his vision. It was said to make predictions with alarming precision and specificity. Unfortunately it lacked a portal on its surface to allow her to view the prediction. So who could say for sure whether its predictions were accurate? It would require someone with x-ray vision. Or, just maybe…

Someone with vision eightfold. Vriska Serket. She channeled her powerful eyesight through her customized lenses and whispered to the faithful little oracle: "Should I be worried about Terezi's threat?

A blue triangle appeared within the cue ball and one single word was written on it: "YES".

**GC: H3Y MR V4N1LL4 M4LKSH4K3**

**Yes?**

**GC: SH3 H4S ON3 OF YOUR CU3 B4LLS**

SHE HAS WHAT?

**GC: :o**

Doc Scratch began to flip the fuck out, which was rather uncharacteristic of him, seeing as how he was supposed to be omniscient and wise.

Vriska shook with fear and rage. "Okay little ball," she said angrily. "Fine. If you're so smart, then answer this! How is it going to happen! HOW?"

"I WILL EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE," the ball read. Suddenly, the white orb began to crackle with green and white energy and then exploded with a great big "8OOM". Vriska's glasses and the seven eyes bunched together on her right side fell off and the girl fell backwards, unconscious or perhaps dead (although, as we shall see later on [or already have seen {in the progression of the story, not time}], she is alive and well [and that was too many layers of parentheses]).

In the aftermath of more recent misfortune, a boy retrieved his dead horse custodian from the rubble below. A girl in the same neighborhood found hers struggling to survive.

Vriska guessed she had to put Spidermom down. The question was, did she have the luck to get it done? Would a sufficient roll even qualify as good luck in this case? She didn't know. Maybe the dead girl was on to something. Maybe the only way to beat her bad luck was not caring about the outcome. A slight breeze blew her long and billowy hair (which was black just like every troll's hair) backwards. She dropped the dice.

Seven of the fluorite octet landed, yielding a 6, 5, 2, 7, 1, 3 and 4. That narrowed the field down from the full 8^8 to just 8. One tumbled through the air. It would decide among the eight remaining techniques.

It landed on an eight, choosing the technique "Guillotine de la Marquise." A blue guillotine appeared out of thin air and chopped the lusus's head off. Copious amounts of blue spider blood slorshed over her.

"Au revoir, Spidermom," she said in slight disgust. Suddenly, the precarious pillar upon which Equius's hive rested began to topple downwards towards hers. Their hives were going to converge soon! It seemed like her mercy killing had triggered another avalanche. More rotten luck! Just what she'd needed.

By a strange stroke of luck, though, the bottom of the collapsed portion of the pillar slid down and the entire thing came apart, falling downwards instead of towards Vriska's hive. Before Equius's hive could crash against the side of the mainland, however, it vanished into The Medium. Vriska breathed a sigh of relief. That had gone better than she thought it would have. And then a thought struck her. The gift that Equius had made her for Aradia! It had gone into The Medium too! She hobbled back up the stairs and banged on her keyboard furiously.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AG: What's your deal?**

**AA: what d0 y0u mean**

**AG: Did you just zap Equius into the game? His hive disappeared!**

**AA: are y0u n0t happy ab0ut that**

**AG: Hell no! I was supposed to get your surprise present from him! Um, that he was keeping for me! 8ut only temporarily!**

**AG: And then we were going to jump in the g8me tog8ther! As co-le8ders! Remem8er?**

**AA: y0u were ab0ut t0 be killed by his hive**

**AA: pr0ceeding with that plan w0uldnt have made sense**

**AA: we certainly d0nt need tw0 dead players**

**AG: 8ut!**

**AG: Aaaaaaaah!**

**AG: You knew this was going to happen! You were planning it all along! You're planning all this. I know a schemer when I see one!**

**AA: yes it was the plan**

**AA: it had t0 g0 this way**

**AG: No! It had to go the way we said it would. I was going to give you the present I convinced him to m8ke for you. Me! It wo8ldn't have got m8de if not f8r me!**

**AG: And then you could have a 8ody again and everyth8ng would 8e fine. Then we could go 8ack to 8eing friends again.**

**AA: were we ever really friends**

**AG: Yeah!**

**AG: I don't know. I felt like we were even if you didn't think so.**

**AG: I guess I'm not very good at acting like a friend. Or saying stuff like, hey friend! You're my friend! It doesn't really occur to me.**

**AG: 8ut we were! Why would you play with me if you didn't think I was your friend?**

**AA: i d0nt remember**

**AA: it d0esnt matter**

**AG: 8arf. More of this apathetic 8aloney. Why don't you cut the ghost girl act already? I get it! You're dead and spooky.**

**AA: ribbit**

**AG: Hm.**

**AG: Uh, okay?**

**AG: Haha. Pretty odd!**

**AA: s0rry**

**AG: That's cool, you can ri88it if you want. In a weird way it almost makes you sound normal!**

**AG: So what now? I guess you and Equius co-lead since he managed to usurp me. That cunning 8astard.**

**AG: I guess I follow you into the game instead? Fine 8y me! I'll follow you guys. Just give me my orders, 8oss.**

**AA: n0**

**AA: y0ure n0t 0n the blue team**

**AG: Oh what the fuuuuuuuuck!**

**AA: y0u were never g0ing t0 be**

**AG: I get it. I finally see now. This is your revenge.**

**AG: You finally did it, Megido. You got me pretty good. Well played.**

**AA: its n0t revenge**

**AA: y0u were always supp0sed t0 be 0n the red team**

**AA: y0ull believe me later**

**AA: when y0u wake up**

**AG: What a load of SHIIIIIIIIT. You've 8een plotting your revenge since day one. And I fell for it like a sucker. Can't say I 8lame you.**

**AA: ive never th0ught ab0ut revenge at all**

**AG: 8ut why not!**

**AG: I killed you!**

**AA: i d0nt care**

**AG: AAAAAAAAH!**

**AG: You're so infuri8ing! Why c8n't you just h8 me? It would 8e a lot easier th8t way.**

**AG: Or at least feel 8othered or annoyed or S8METHING! God!**

**AG: May8e I sh8uld just rip my he8rt out of my chest and pound it to a 8loody pulp here on my desk with my sup8r strong ro8ot arm.**

**AG: Pound pound pound pound pound pound pound pound!**

**AG: Look at that, more nasty 8lue 8lood all over me. Why not! Might as well op8n the floodg8s and p8nt my whole hive with this oh so envia8le cerulean SWILL.**

**AG: 8ecause clearly it's up to me to feel em8tions for the 8oth of us, you misera8le soulless witch!**

**AA: 0_0**

**AG: I h88888888 you!**

**AG: H8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 h8 haaaaaaaate!**

**AG: I only regret killing you cause it m8de you so 8ORING!**

**AA: s0rry**

**AG: I don't want to 8e on the red team. ::::(**

**AG: It's full of jerks who just think I'm a 8ig jerk.**

**AA: they need y0u th0ugh**

**AA: and its where y0u need t0 be**

**AA: karkat will be in t0uch with y0u s00n**

**AG: Oh god, I can't w8 for THAT convers8tion.**

**AA: als0 if its any c0ns0lati0n**

**AA: the teams are meaningless anyway**

**AG: What? Why would that 8e consol8tion? It's more vague spooky nonsense!**

**AG: Fuck you for me trying to help you.**

**AG: Fuck the 8lue team, fuck your conniving, fuck Equius's dou8ledealing and the stupid muscle8east he rode in on, and fuck you for s8ving my life.**

**AG: FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**


	60. Book 4 Chapter 13: Aradia and Equius

Chapter 13: Aradia and Equius

Not much later after this conversation with Vriska and Aradia, in a place known as the Land of Caves and Silence, Equius sat at his computer in his hive, which was tilted, somewhat like some sort of leaning tower of Equius. The robot-building troll explained his doublecrossing to Aradia, who didn't seem to care at all and then Aradia explained the procedure and then Equius proceeded to flip the fuck… I mean… fiddlesticks out about first, having a lowly red blood control what he did in The Medium and second, not having a fresh towel. Wait, I pretty much explained the whole pesterlog, didn't I? Whatever. Here it is anyway:

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **began trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**CT: D - Aradia, here's the deal**

**CT: D - Now that the game has begun, the plan will be modified slightly**

**CT: D - We will not be co-leaders of the b100 team**

**CT: D - I alone will be the leader**

**CT: D - Is that understood**

**AA: thats fine**

**CT: D - Good**

**CT: D - Wait**

**CT: D - You have no objection**

**CT: D - Are you sure**

**AA: n0**

**AA: im 0k with it**

**CT: D - Do you typically embrace such a passive attitude when your superiors give you orders**

**AA: i d0nt usually receive 0rders fr0m superi0rs 0r 0therwise**

**AA: but really its fine**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**AA: what**

**CT: D - I think I should get a towel**

**CT: D - I'm perspiring heavily again**

**AA: why**

**AA: whats wr0ng**

**CT: D - Never mind**

**CT: D - I'm trying to stay professional about this**

**AA: ab0ut what**

**AA: what are y0u talking ab0ut**

**CT: D - Forget it**

**CT: D - It's just pleasant to consort with one of lesser breeding who clearly understands her place**

**AA: ive underst00d f0r s0me time that this will be my r0le**

**AA: t0 functi0n as y0ur server player**

**AA: and that y0u w0uld be the team leader as the first in the chain**

**CT: D - Perfect**

**CT: D - Then we are on the same page**

**CT: D - I 100k forward to seeing how well you serve me, server player**

**AA: uh**

**AA: thats n0t quite the meaning 0f the w0rd server**

**CT: D - What do you mean**

**AA: as y0ur server i manipulate y0ur envir0nment t0 help y0u advance**

**CT: D - I don't understand**

**CT: D - Are you**

**CT: D - Are you saying**

**CT: D - That**

**CT: D - You are in a position of control over me**

**AA: i supp0se s0**

**CT: D - Oh**

**AA: what**

**CT: D - Oh my God**

**AA: 0_0**

**CT: D - This is**

**CT: D - Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even**

**CT: D - It's**

**CT: D - You are as low on the hemosprectrum as possible**

**CT: D - To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is**

**CT: D - It's just so**

**CT: D - Disgusting**

**AA: y0u really are quite a sn0b**

**CT: D - No it's**

**CT: D - FILTHY**

**AA: 0_0**

**CT: D - I need some air**

**CT: D - Or some cold milk**

**CT: D - Or a towel, I need a towel**

**CT: D - Where the fuck are all my fresh towels**

**CT: D - I mean**

**CT: D - Fiddlesticks, please pardon my language**

**CT: D - It won't happen again**

**AA: y0u l00k really agitated**

**AA: are y0u sure y0ure alright**

Equius started to perspire and he shook where he was in his chair.

**CT: D - I'm fine**

**CT: D - I'll be fine**

**CT: D - I just need to breathe**

**CT: D - And to break something possibly **

**AA: break s0mething**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - It helps me rela%**

**AA: 0h**

**AA: i think i understand**

**CT: D - Do you**

**AA: i like breaking things**

**AA: i didnt used t0 but n0w i d0**

**AA: its fun**

**AA: um**

**AA: hell0**

**AA: are y0u sure y0ure 0k**

**CT: D - Yes**

**AA: y0u really d0 l00k like y0ure sweating pretty hard**

**CT: D - I just need a blasted towel**

**CT: D - Where ever did that Aurthour get off to**

**AA: maybe y0u sh0uld break s0mething**

**AA: t0 try t0 calm d0wn**

**CT: D - Perhaps**

**AA: d0 y0u want me t0 break s0mething**

**CT: D - Whoa what**

**AA: i c0uld break s0mething if y0u want**

**CT: D - Do you**

**CT: D - Want to break something**

**AA: kind 0f**

**CT: D - I, uh**

**CT: D - Ok**

**AA: equius im ab0ut t0 thr0w an abluti0n trap thr0ugh y0ur wall**

**AA: heads up**

A large bathtub smashed through one of his walls, crossed the room, and then smashed another one. Aurthoursprite stared blankly at the damage to Equius's respiteblock.

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - Yes that was wonderful **

**AA: it was pretty c00l**

**CT: D - But could you please refrain from dipping into the vernacular of commoners **

**CT: D - In fact, this is an order from your leader **

**CT: D - Call things by their proper names **

**AA: what**

**AA: y0u want me t0 call it a bath tub**

**AA: that s0unds ridicul0us**

**CT: D - Nevertheless, do it **

**AA: fine**

**CT: D - Now **

**CT: D - Could you please **

**CT: D - Uh **

**CT: D - Do that again **

**AA: what**

**AA: y0u want me t0 thr0w the trap thr0ugh y0ur wall again**

**AA: i mean the tub**

**CT: D - Yes **

**AA: is that an 0rder**

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - Wait **

**CT: D - I don't know **

**AA: what d0nt y0u kn0w**

**CT: D - Maybe I don't want to order you to **

**CT: D - Maybe I want **

**CT: D - You to do whatever things that you want to do **

**AA: i really have n0 idea what y0ure talking ab0ut**

**CT: D - You could cause quite a bother for me, with the power you wield **

**CT: D - I can do nothing to stop you, peasant girl **

**CT: D - It's so magnificently depraved **

**AA: y0u are s0 weird**

**AA: and this is c0ming fr0m a gh0st**

**AA: ribbit**

**CT: D - What was that **

**CT: D - Are you role playing now **

**CT: D - Stop, it's unbecoming **

**AA: s0rry**

**CT: D - You're better than that **

**CT: D - And by better, I mean worse **

**CT: D - Much, much worse **

**CT: D - Downright coarse and degenerate **

**CT: D - Just reprehensibly sordid **

**AA: 0_0**

**CT: D - Actually **

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - You may role play and proceed to deepen this already irretrievable debauchery **

**CT: D - In fact I command it **

**CT: D - I command you to have free will and do as you please **

**CT: D - And continue being bothersome and unpredictably destructive **

**CT: D - I mean **

**CT: D - If you want **

**AA: im n0t really r0le playing**

**AA: im part fr0g**

**AA: but 0k**

**AA: i guess i can break s0me m0re stuff**

**AA: ribbit**

**CT: D - Yes **

**CT: D - Ribbit again **

**AA: i cant really c0ntr0l the ribbits**

Equius was so caught up in his conversation that he didn't notice a mysterious arm stick out of a blue portal in the floor. Aurthoursprite noticed it, but didn't say anything. And he didn't need to, because it vanished in just a few seconds.

**CT: D - I will make haste through this mysterious realm and find your gate**

**CT: D - It will pose no challenge for me at all**

**AA: yeah i kn0w**

**CT: D - I will then give you your new body, and you may take your rightful place as my subordinate**

**AA: sure**

**CT: D - Actually**

**CT: D - Now I'm beginning to wonder**

**AA: what**

**CT: D - Whether I want you to be my subordinate**

**CT: D - Hmm**

**CT: D - I hope this doesn't sound too strange**

**AA: everything y0u say s0unds strange**

**CT: D - Maybe I would like you to be the co-leader again**

**AA: 0k**

**CT: D - In fact**

**CT: D - Oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm entertaining this thought**

**CT: D - It feels just vile**

**CT: D - Try not to roll your eyes at me**

**AA: i d0nt have pupils**

**CT: D - Would you mind terribly**

**CT: D - Being the leader**

**AA: fine**

**CT: D - But**

**CT: D - Don't tell anyone**

**CT: D - You will be the leader of me, and I will lead all else**

**CT: D - You would in effect be the secret leader**

**AA: yeah sure**

**AA: thats pretty much h0w it is anyway**

**CT: D - Yes, that's the spirit**

**CT: D - You take to authority well for one of your b100d**

**AA: i d0nt have bl00d**

**CT: D - Not yet**

**CT: D - But soon your heart will beat anew, and through it, fresh b100d and fresh passion**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: w0w uh**

**AA: can y0u just bring me the r0b0t already**

**CT: D - On my way**

**centaursTesticle [CT]** **ceased trolling ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AA: ribbit**

Equius leaped out of his respiteblock and through the first gate in a single strong jump and, landing on the ground of his planet, LOCAS, killed a giant green imp creature in one blow. In fact, he killed it so fast, it didn't have a chance to display what kind of underling it was. He sprinted through a cave and into his second gate. This really posed no challenge to him at all. He entered and dove elegantly to the roof of Aradia's hive where she awaited him in her froggy sprite form. He presented the Aradiabot to Aradiasprite.

**ARADIASPRITE: it l00ks nice**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**EQUIUS: D - It is perfect in every way**

**ARADIASPRITE: ribbit**

**EQUIUS: D - Do you**

**EQUIUS: D - Have a clean towel anywhere**

Aradia entered the soulbot as Equius watched, eager to see her reaction to her new blue blood.

**EQUIUS: D - I think it suits you**

**EQUIUS: D - Much more so than the form of a levitating ghostly amphibian**

**EQUIUS: D - How does it feel**

**ARADIABOT: it feels**

**ARADIABOT: different!**

**EQUIUS: D - Ok**

**EQUIUS: D - But I mean**

**EQUIUS: D - Do you feel anything else**

**ARADIABOT: uh**

**EQUIUS: D - Any sort of**

**EQUIUS: D - Stirring sensations**

**ARADIABOT: stirring?**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**EQUIUS: D - Such as**

**EQUIUS: D - Sensations which may be stirred by flowing b100d and a beating heart**

**ARADIABOT: im n0t sure**

**EQUIUS: D - Can you detect anything within you might describe as**

**EQUIUS: D - Smoldering passion**

**EQUIUS: D - I mean**

**EQUIUS: D - Just out of curiosity**

**ARADIABOT: wait**

**ARADIABOT: what is that**

**EQUIUS: D - What's what**

**ARADIABOT: this feeling**

**ARADIABOT: 0h g0d**

**ARADIABOT: 0H MY G0D WHAT DID Y0U D0!**

**ARADIABOT: did y0u pr0gram this r0b0t t0 have feelings f0r y0u? **

**ARADIABOT: R0MANTIC FEELINGS? **

**EQUIUS: D - Hrrrk**

**ARADIABOT: ANSWER ME BLUE BL00D SCUM **

**EQUIUS: D - I**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**EQUIUS: D - Uh**

**EQUIUS: D - It's a chip in your heart**

**EQUIUS: D - Is that not ok**

**ARADIABOT: get it 0ut **

**EQUIUS: D - Urrk**

**EQUIUS: D - I guess I can**

**EQUIUS: D - Uninstall it if you would just**

**ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT! **

**EQUIUS: D - Sorry**

**EQUIUS: D - I'll**

**EQUIUS: D - Hrrrrrrk**

**ARADIABOT: GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT GET IT 0UT**

Aradia plunged her super strong robotic arm deep into her robot chest as Equius watched in horror. She ripped her blue-blooded heart out and pounded it against the Alchemiter. Equius began to sweat bullets.

Aradiabot stepped over to Equius, grabbed ahold of his tank top, and smacked him repeatedly back and forth. Her eyes glowed in anger as she shook the robot-building troll in rage. And then, before Equius knew what was happening, they were kissing.

Nepeta watched in confusion on her drawing tablet. Were they in love? Really? Well, it wasn't the chip, she thought. After all, Aradia had pounded it to bits. Maybe there was really something going on there!

The cat troll consulted her shipping wall. Clearly some changes were in order. She had to admit, she hadn't seen that one coming, even with her remarkable matchmaking acumen. She should probably recolor all the Aradia panels so she looked like a robot too. It was a major commitment keeping up with all her ships, but it was worth it.

She circled the pairing of Aradia and Equius. Some of the comments she'd written on other ships were "oh yessssss!" for herself and Karkat, as well as "oh nooooo" for Vriska and Karkat, and "probably not" for Terezi and Gamzee. Another pairing she'd circled was herself and Equius. Except that was a different kind of romance. Comments she'd written for _that_ type of romance included "hmmm!" for Gamzee and Karkat, and " ?" for Sollux and Aradia. She crossed the latter speculation out. It was definitely a -relationship, not a -relationship. For now.

See, troll romance was a lot more complicated than human romance, and these two kinds of relationships were only the beginning of a whole series of complicated confusingness. But we'll get into that later, if at _all_. It's all really quite confusing stuff and will take a very long time to explain.

Anyway, moving on…


	61. Book 4 Chapter 14: A Truce with Jack Noi

Chapter 14: A Truce with Jack Noir

Karkat began bothering Vriska about joining the team, just as Aradia had said he would.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****arachnidsGrip [AG]**

**CG: OK THIS IS GOING TO SOUND PREPOSTEROUS GIVEN OUR LAST CONVERSATION.**

**CG: AND I GUESS PRACTICALLY EVERY CONVERSATION PRECEDING IT.**

**CG: AND I'M PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DISGUSTING LIKE APOLOGIZE.**

**CG: AND EVEN THOUGH I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT I WILL TOTALLY MEAN IT, I PROMISE.**

**CG: LIKE, REALLY REALLY MEAN IT.**

**AG: You're going to ask me to join your team, aren't you.**

**CG: YEAH.**

**CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW.**

**AG: I don't seem to have much choice now! Aradia kicked me off the good team.**

**CG: HAHAHAHA WOW THAT IS GREAT.**

**CG: WAIT, SORRY.**

**CG: NO WAIT, I DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE NOW.**

**CG: I APOLOGIZE TO MYSELF FOR OFFERING YOU A SHITTY MEANINGLESS APOLOGY.**

**CG: APOLOGY ACCEPTED, KARKAT. LET'S BURY THE THRESHER WITH A TOTALLY PLATONIC BRO BULGE BUMP.**

**CG: BUMP HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**AG: You dork.**

**AG: Do you really think your usual pedantic quips are going to 8ug me now?**

**CG: I'M NOT TRYING TO BUG YOU I'M TRYING TO GET YOU TO JOIN MY DAMN TEAM, NOW STEP IN LINE SERKET.**

**AG: I was just 8etrayed and a8andonded 8y my two accomplices and 8est pals, and on top of that I am soaked in the 8lood of my lusus which I just had to decapit8 myself.**

**AG: So listening to a cra88y asshole 8e all tickled with his own mediocre retorts isn't going to spoil my evening!**

**CG: OK, WELL, SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.**

**CG: BUT I MEAN YOU CAN JUST DUMP HER CARCASS IN THE KERNEL AND BRING HER BACK STRONGER THAN EVER.**

**AG: Wow.**

**AG: Uh, good to know.**

**AG: I guess. ::::\**

**CG: NOW WHY DON'T YOU HOP IN THE TRAP, WASH THAT NASTY BLUE SHIT OFF, AND JOIN OUR FUCKING SESSION ALREADY.**

**AG: What! It's so rude to dict8 hygiene procedure to a lady. Under any circumstance! Even for douchey loudmouths with delusions of leadership.**

**AG: May8e you should try to think a8out the dum8 things that fall out of your protein chute for once, Vantas.**

**CG: BLAH BLAH BLAH.**

**CG: NOW MY CHUTE IS DOING A FUCKING STELLAR IMPRESSION OF SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.**

**AG: Anyway, you know my 8lood's the prettiest and you'd o8viously kill to have it.**

**CG: NO IT SUCKS.**

**CG: TOTALLY HAPPY WITH MINE, NICE TRY THOUGH.**

**AG: 8S!**

**AG: Why would you hide 8ehind your lame gray anonymity then?**

**AG: You do realize everyone thinks that's totally lame, right?**

**CG: IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.**

**CG: I DON'T SEE WHY IT SHOULD BE A MATTER OF PUBLIC RECORD.**

**CG: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR THAT SHIT ON MY SLEEVE LIKE YOU DO.**

**CG: LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY.**

**CG: IT'S PRIVATE, SO EVERYONE CAN GO POINT THEIR PROBING BUSYBODY SNIFFNODES UP THEIR OWN IMPERTINENT SEED FLAPS.**

**AG: Fine. Like anyone really cares! It's just lame and insecure.**

**AG: So why don't you tell me what I've got to do here? I await instruction from my 8igshot a8looded leader.**

**CG: OK FIRST THING'S FIRST.**

**CG: YOU'VE GOT TO CONNECT WITH TAVROS QUICKLY AND GET HIM IN THE SESSION BEFORE HE GETS KILLED.**

**AG: Uggggggggh.**

**CG: WHAT.**

**AG: Can't someone else do that?**

**CG: NO. WHY.**

**AG: XXXXO**

**CG: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, JUST DO IT.**

**AG: 8ut I h8 that guy!**

**CG: WHO CARES.**

**AG: This is your command decision? Getting someone who h8s a guy to save his life? Pretty weak, 8oss!**

**CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.**

**CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM.**

**CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM.**

**AG: I know. I don't really understand it.**

**AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense.**

**CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK.**

**AG: Oh god, what?**

**CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB.**

**CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE.**

**CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD.**

**AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, WHAT are you talking a8out?**

**CG: I THINK THIS SUBJECT IS BEYOND A LOT OF PEOPLE'S GRASP BUT I KNOW A LOT ABOUT IT, NOBODY EVER REALLY WANTS TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT THOUGH.**

**AG: Whoa really? Oh no shit, REALLY?**

**CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY.**

**CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE.**

**CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE.**

**AG: Karkat, holy fuck.**

**AG: So.**

**AG: 8oring.**

**CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS.**

**CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.**

**AG: Oh?**

**AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens.**

**AG: All of them.**

**CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES.**

**CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this.**

**CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE.**

**AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk.**

**CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE.**

**CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL.**

**CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP.**

**CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS.**

**CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW.**

**CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY.**

**CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION.**

**CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU.**

**CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA!**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU.**

**CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED.**

**CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO.**

**CG: HEY.**

**CG: ARE YOU THERE.**

**AG: Oh, yeah.**

**AG: I started tuning you out.**

**AG: Are you done?**

**CG: NO WAY, I COULD GO ON.**

**CG: THIS IS FASCINATING, TELL ME HOW THE FUCK THIS ISN'T FASCINATING.**

**AG: Did you learn this crap from your awful romance movies?**

**CG: THEY'RE REALLY INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY.**

**CG: INCREDIBLY COMPLEX, SOPHISTICATED STORIES, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT.**

**AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls.**

**CG: WHAT PART OF INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND.**

**CG: ALSO THEY'RE AWESOME, SHUT UP.**

**AG: Argh, ok! Man! Just let me connect to stupid 8oy-Dum8fuck so I don't have to listen to this anymore!**

**CG: YEAH OK.**

**CG: OH, WAIT!**

**CG: I NEVER EVEN GOT TO THE DAMN POINT.**

**AG: What is it now!**

**CG: I DIDN'T NEED YOU SPECIFICALLY TO CONNECT TO TAVROS, I MEAN I COULD GET ANY SCHLUB TO DO THAT.**

**CG: YOU JUST HAVE TO GET IN HERE ASAP BECAUSE I REALLY NEED YOUR MIND POWERS.**

**AG: You do?**

**AG: I mean.**

**AG: O8viously you do. Duh.**

**AG: What for?**

**CG: I RAN INTO SOMEONE HERE.**

**CG: A SORT OF DOUBLE AGENT I GUESS.**

**CG: HIS NAME IS JACK.**

**CG: HE HAS SOME INSIDE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS KINGDOM.**

**CG: HE WANTS TO WORK TOGETHER WITH US TO OVERTHROW THE BLACK QUEEN.**

**CG: SO I SAID OK.**

**CG: AND NOW I NEED YOUR HELP.**

**AG: Um, ok.**

**AG: I can try.**

**AG: What does he know?**

**CG: HE RECENTLY GOT HOLD OF SOME INTEL REGARDING A WEAKNESS IN THE QUEEN'S DEFENSES.**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE THAN THAT.**

**CG: BUT WE'VE GOT TO HURRY AND GET STARTED ON THIS THING, OR IT COULD GET KIND OF AWKWARD.**

**AG: Awkward? What do you mean?**

**CG: I MEAN HE'S JUST STANDING HERE NOW.**

**CG: WAITING FOR ME I GUESS.**

**CG: BUT IT'S OK, I THINK HE'S PRETTY MUCH SETTLED DOWN.**

**AG: Settled down?**

**CG: WELL, HE STABBED ME ONCE.**

**AG: Oh, only once!**

**AG: Are you sure you should trust him? I don't know if I would, 8ut hey I'm not the leader.**

**CG: NO, NO, IT'S COOL.**

**CG: HE'S COOL, IT'S FINE I DON'T REALLY MIND THE STABBING, IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING.**

**CG: WELL OK I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANT TO STAB ME.**

**CG: BUT I KIND OF THINK THAT'S LIKE**

**CG: THE WAY HE GREETS PEOPLE?**

**AG: This game is so stupid.**

**CG: IN ANY CASE I THINK HE'S PROBABLY ALL STABBED OUT.**

**AG: Whew!**

**AG: Oh, man.**

**AG: Since you're 8leeding I should ask Terezi what color your 8lood is.**

**CG: GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.**

**CG: SHE CAN'T SEE ME OR SMELL ME OR ANYTHING, I'M WAY OUT OF MY HIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE PLANET.**

**AG: Ok, then I'll ask Jack.**

**CG: NO, JACK WON'T TELL, I MADE HIM PROMISE HE WOULDN'T TELL.**

**AG: Dammit! Stupid lousy tightlipped sta8happy dou8le agents. **

**AG: Doesn't Trollian have some kind of viewport feature? **

**CG: YEAH BUT I'M PRETTY SURE ONLY SOLLUX KNOWS HOW TO SET THAT UP, AND HE'S BEEN INCOMMUNICADO FOR HOURS FOR SOME REASON.**

**CG: ANYWAY THAT WHOLE FEATURE SEEMS TOTALLY INVASIVE AND LARGELY POINTLESS TO ME, SO JUST FORGET IT.**

**AG: Yeah ok, here we are a8out to em8ark on an espionage mission. A spying tool sounds totally useless!**

**AG: Another gr8 point, captain.**

**CG: WHATEVER.**

**CG: JUST GET YOUR ASS IN HERE SO WE CAN DETHRONE THIS GODDAMN QUEEN.**

**CG: IT'LL MEAN ONE LESS GOD BOSS WE HAVE TO FIGHT.**

**AG: Fine, I'll be right there.**

**AG: Just try not to lose too much of your mystery blood and die.**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

He looked behind him, where the Archagent Jack Noir stood, awaiting what was to come.

A few minutes before, Jack found the kid he'd been looking for. The kid had a pretty sharp tongue and couldn't seem to keep it sheathed. He had to learn up front that Jack was no stranger to sharp objects himself.

The boy still wouldn't shut up, even after Jack had stabbed him. He didn't seem to care about the wound. He was just going on and on about the freakish color of his blood. He didn't want Jack to look at it. "Just look away," he said. Jack had to admit. He was curious now.

He looked at his knife. Red blood. He didn't see what the big deal was. Nothing special. The kid was out of his mind. But he was still blubbering on and on about it.

Oh, it seemed he was the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood. There were red bloods, sure, but not this color. He was an outcast. He thought he'd been put on this planet covered in an ocean of his own blood to be taunted. Punished for something. Saddest story Jack had ever heard. He had to do something to shut this kid up.

He sliced his own hand with the knife, releasing a swath of red blood along his hand. See? Red blood too. Karkat gasped.

Jack extended his bloodied hand. Karkat extended his, which was bloody from his wound, and they shook. A truce with Jack Noir.

Karkat and his like-blooded accomplice soon put Operation Regisurp into motion, a contingency plan which the Archagent conveniently had on file and had named himself. If it had been drafted by a legitimate contingency firm, it would ostensibly been a better title. The plan was to kill the "huge bitch, bluh bluh" and that was about all that was written on the parking citation Jack had written it on.

Karkat's entire team executed the plan along the course of its journey, employing espionage, mind control tactics, political sabotage, vicious interrogations, and cold-blooded assassinations. Everyone did their part and Karkat began to learn the true meaning of teamwork, as well as this troll disease called friendship.

But before a single step was taken, Jack briefed Karkat on the intelligence uncovered by one of his agents. It was an advantage over the queen they would seize upon when she had her guard down.

With each prototyping by each player, the royalty of both sides would evolve. The queen with her ring of orbs twelvefold would first take on the claws and rigid carapace of Karkat's lusus. And then the wings and scales of Terezi's young dragon. And then the horns and gills and cloven hooves of Gamzee's fallen custodian. And so it would continue.

Though a queen was a vain creature, she was also sworn to her duty. She would be braced for the heavy load of augmentation ahead. She could certainly withstand the eight eyes of an arachnid. The fairy wings might at worst be frivolous, and the great bull horns could even be regarded as striking additions. For that matter, the sultry lips of a mother grub might very plausibly suit her. She perhaps would wear a brave face even behind a dignified moustache, and the centauring of her lower torso could transpire without much complaint. She would dutifully indulge a lactating udder. And when all was said and done, doubling her head count would surely be an insult to elevenfold injury, but nothing she hadn't essentially endured anyway, all in the name of her kingdom.

But she would spare herself all of these additional debasements. Because before the rest came, there would be one corruption to her figure she could not abide. Her vanity would not allow it. She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence. So vile was its appearance, so contemptible its purpose, all depictions of the creature let alone members of its population were permanently banned from any jurisdiction in the reach of her agents.

Those of its kind went by many names, and so did the reviled patron god they heralded - The Great Detestation, King Pondsquatter, Speaker of the Vast Joke, or more commonly, Bilious Slick. His true name was of course forbidden. And wearing his froggy face was where she drew the line.

The Black Queen removed the ring and concealed it in the royal vault while she was quite sure no one was looking. She then retired to her private chamber from which she would dispatch orders, no one the wiser of her disadvantage. Or so she thought. In fact, a certain agent known as the Courtyard Droll had noticed her slip off the ring.

Operation Regisurp would in time be a total success. The Banished Quasiroyal would make the future colorful Alternian wasteland her home. Until she was given a new purpose by the first guardian. Green energy crackled around Doc Scratch as he appeared before BQ on the red sand.

But at the onset, Karkat would know nothing of the queen's aversion to an amphibious likeness, or about her orbs twelvefold, or any such details. He'd been informed of her disadvantage, and would act accordingly. He and his red teammates would work to dethrone the king in their session, while the blue team members would take on the entirely separate set of royal adversaries in their own session. This was to be a competition, after all… or so he'd thought.

He'd begin to notice a strange pattern, though. The blue team's prototypings would affect the mutations of the red team's session's underlings. And vice versa. Though the signs had pointed to two different sessions - two sets of mystic ruins (Aradia's and **GA**'s), two opposing teams, two separate chains of connected players - this had all been misleading.

He was, in fact, joining a particularly unusual bifurcated session, meant from the start to receive all twelve players through two seperate connection chains. A session with one Skaia about which twelve planets would circle. With one army of dark and one of light. With one pair of kings and one pair of queens. And with one cantankerous archagent and his contempt for authority. It wouldn't be until later in the session when the full chain wasnearly closed that Karkat would realize the truth. The truth was that it had always been the same session all along. That their teams were not competing, but cooperating towards a common goal.

Instead of being in an alternating team color pattern, half of the session was disconnected from the other half. It appeared that way until it was time to link the two chains, completing the circuit of twelve and uniting the teams. For those final two links, Skaia had a plan, as it had with the order of every preceding link, and as it did with the paradoxical seeding of its own players on the surface of the planet it would later devastate to buy itself some time. Its plan was as inescapable as all the others, as inevitable as the reckoning it would ultimately face.

There would be a mobius double reacharound, connecting Karkat to Sollux and **GA** to Equius.

Wait a second, what were those horological symbols on the blue team? Aquarius and Pisces. We haven't met them yet. I'd try to shift the narrative to them, but I suspect I'd fail, so I won't bother. They were way too mysterious to observe yet! Seriously, what was up with these guys? Did they live underwater or something? What was their deal? We'll learn all about them a bit later.


	62. Book 4 Chapter 15: grimAuxiliatrix

Chapter 15: grimAuxiliatrix

For that matter, what about the third mysterious troll, **GA**? What was _her_ deal? We'll probably find out about her later too. It will probably be quite some time before you get to know her. It could very well be pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages. Seriously, it could take forever!

A young troll girl with a dark green zodiac symbol of Virgo stood in her bright respiteblock. Her name was Kanaya Maryam. She was one of the few of her kind who could withstand the blistering Alternian sun, and perhaps the only one who enjoyed the feel of its rays. As such, she was one of the few of her kind who had taken a shining to landscaping. She'd cultivated a lush oasis around her hive, and in particular, she'd honed her craft through the art of topiary, sculpting her trees to match the puffy oracles from her dreams. She'd embraced the tool of this trade, which conveniently was the weapon of choice for those who would hunt the heinous broods of the undead which crawled from the sand at sunrise to feast on the light and living.

It would have been convenient if she actually hunted them down, but it was of course far too dangerous, every bit as suicidal as attempting to poach the terrible musclebeasts who roamed at night. So she indulged in her bright fascination with the grim through literature instead. Just before the sun went down and Kanaya joined her flora in rest, she immersed herself in tales of rainbow drinkers and shadow droppers and forbidden passion.

Kanaya was one of the few of her kind with jade green blood. As such she was one of the few who could be selected and raised by a virgin mother grub, an event so rare it eluded documented precedent. The mother grub would defend her from desert threats, and though her life would be short, in time Kanaya would assure her of her progeny.

Kanaya was also one of the few of her kind whose affection for the aesthetic strongly overpowered instinctive regard for the utilitarian. As such, she was one of the few of her kind who'd developed a zeal for fashion and design and lively colorful patterns. She decorated her hive with flora and fabric, as delicately or aggressively as inspiration demanded. She was a seamstress or a ragripper or a treetrimmer or a lumberjack, whichever she cared to be, and her unique hive was equipped with a great supply of advanced technology to accommodate her interests. The technology and indeed the hive itself had all been recovered from the ruins nearby when she'd been very young. The seed of the hive had been deployed on the volcanic rocks beneath the sand with the assistance of her lusus and the creature's remarkable burrowing skills, and they'd lived here happily together since.

Kanaya knew that the ruins and the hive and everything here that was not sand and rock had originated from the world of her dreams. She also knew that one day she'd visit this world while awake. That day was today.

Her trolltag was **grimAuxiliatrix**and she**Tended To Enunciate Each Word She Spoke Very Clearly And Carefully**

Kanaya attempted to equip her chainsaw, but she was quite sure there had never been one to speak of in her respiteblock. There was, however, a tube of lipstick on the floor. She equipped that instead into her makeupkind abstratus. Alright, time to settle down, no need to get hysterical. Suddenly, her outfit changed into a red, flowery-patterned dress. There went her Wardrobifier again. Never a dull moment in fashion when the randomization cycle was on.

She looked closely at the tube of lipstick. She could choose between her signature jade and black. Even though a troll's lips were naturally black. But they could always be blacker, and a lady with a true sense of style knew this. In any case, she decided to mix things up and go with green for a while.

Ooh, and now someone was trolling her.

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**CC: )(-ELLO!**

**GA: Hey**

**CC: KANAYA )(I!**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub glub!**

**CC: 38)**

**GA: You Seem More Excited Than Usual**

**GA: Or Less**

**GA: I Cant Tell**

**GA: Help Me Tell Without Saying Glub**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub!**

**GA: Im Going To Type This Face Now**

**GA: :?**

**GA: Even Though No One Knows How To Make A Mouth Do A Question Shape Like That**

**CC: )(a)(a sorry!**

**CC: I cant really control t)(e glubs.**

**GA: Yes You Can**

**GA: But Thats Fine You Can Glub To The Content Of Your Collapsing And Expanding Bladder Based Aquatic Vascular System**

**GA: If It Means You Are Excited About Something**

**CC: I AM -EXCIT-ED!**

**GA: Ok Why**

**CC: -Everyt)(ing we are about to do next is exciting.**

**CC: It is always exciting.**

**CC: I'm -EXCIT-ED!**

**CC: Pc)(ooooo.**

**GA: It Looks Like One Of Your Letters Got Away From You**

**CC: )(a)(a yea)( I really launc)(ed t)(at one.**

**GA: You Forked An Innocent D Loitering Over There By The Shout Pole Minding Its Own Business**

**CC: )(-E)(-E!**

**CC: Glub glub glub!**

**CC: )(-EY! Lets stop being retarded for a minute.**

**GA: Yeah Sure**

**CC: I am just worked up about t)(is game, it will be great.**

**CC: Ive been waiting a long time to get started! We all )(ave.**

**GA: I Thought So**

**GA: I Have Been Cloaked In A Mood Of Perpetual Anticipation For Some Time As Well**

**CC: We s)(ould compare notes. Even t)(oug)( we are on different teams!**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Not Really**

**CC: )(mm really?**

**CC: See t)(is is w)(y we s)(ould be comparing notes! 38O**

**GA: What Notes Would You Like To Submit For Comparison**

**CC: )(mmmmmm.**

**CC: Well I am going to join my team pretty late.**

**CC: I t)(ink I )(ave to!**

**CC: I will need to connect after my goofball moirail does so I can keep my goggles on )(is nefarious escapades.**

**CC: Its a toug)( job but its important! Everyone )(as an important job to do.**

**GA: Yeah**

**CC: Isnt t)(at w)(at youre doing too? Joining late to keep an eye on yours?**

**GA: I Dont Know For A Fact That She Is Mine**

**CC: )(a)(a youre not supposed to know for a FACT dummy!**

**CC: You just do w)(at you t)(ink is rig)(t and even if you were wrong t)(e worst t) (appened was you )(elped somebody and )(elped t)(e w)(ole world too!**

**GA: I Know**

**GA: But What If I Dont Really Want Her To Be That**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub S)(RUG.**

**GA: Yeah Glub Glub Shrug Is The Right Attitude I Think**

**GA: Our Minds Are Already Made Up Anyway Arent They**

**CC: Yes probably!**

**CC: Your clouds tell you everyt)(ing so w)(at do you even )(ave to worry about?**

**GA: They Dont Tell Me Everything**

**GA: Just As I Am Sure She Doesnt Whisper Everything To You**

**CC: T)(ats true.**

**CC: O)( s)(ucks now Im going to get sad.**

**CC: S)(e will be gone soon. 38(**

**CC: T)(oug)( I guess it will be a relief not to )(ave to worry about keeping )(er voice down anymore!**

**GA: I Wonder If Any Other Kid On The Planet Has As Many Burdens In The Fire As You**

**GA: I Doubt It**

**CC: T)(ey arent burdens!**

**CC: Ok I guess t)(ey are )(a)(a.**

**CC: But I love t)(em and I wouldnt )(ave it any ot)(er way because t)(is is w)(y Im )(ere!**

**CC: On t)(at note I t)(ink Im going to go say goodbye to )(er. Maybe you s)(ould too w)(ile you )(ave t)(e c)(ance!**

**CC: Even t)(oug)( Ill see )(er again soon w)(ic)( still seems kind of strange to me.**

**CC: But t)(ats w)(y t)(is is all so -EXCITING!**

**CC: KANAYA BY-E!**

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

Kanaya decided that she should check on her lusus. She'd nearly forgotten. Today her mother grub's time would come. She wanted to be there in the creature's final moments. But then it wasn't exactly final, was it? Death was pretty confusing without the finality.

She looked out her window. Oh no. She was too late. Her lusus was already dead! I'd better change into her work clothes, she thought. There was no point in getting a good dress dirty.

She turned her Wardrobifier's setting back to her standard Virgo shirt and red skirt, and rushed downstairs to where her lusus lay dead. She'd brought Kanaya this far. It was time for the troll to return the favor.

She took her lipstick and drew a dotted line across the torso of the dead lusus. She then switched her lipstick into her chainsaw and cut along the line. She reached into the green bloody mess, her hand going "splorch" as it made contact with the goop, and pulled out a spiky ball the size of her head. It was covered in small troll horns. The matriorb.

Kanaya captchalogued the matriorb through her chastity modus, which covered the captchalogue card in chains and secured it with a padlock. There we go! Safe and sound. She would serendipitously discover the key to unlock this card when and only when she was ready to use this item, and not a moment before!

She looked at her hands, covered in green blood. "Look at this mess," she muttered. All this blood and sunlight was stirring bright feelings within. She often fantasized being a true rainbow drinker from her literature. It would be a life of darting between the shadows, of persecution and being misunderstood. And of _romance_. Kanaya would drink heavily from its multicolored well, and the hemospectrum would be her wine list preceding the great feast of passion. Surely it couldn't hurt to taste the blood just a little bit. While no one was looking…

She put her finger to her mouth and… "BLUH!" she yelled. It was utterly disgusting. Oh, finally Vriska was getting back to her.

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat.**

**GA: Just Wanted To Know**

**GA: Is Your Lusus Dead Yet**

They then proceeded to have the rest of this conversation, which we've already seen, bugging and fussing and meddling through the special and magical union one could only describe as being in moirallegiance with another. At least, Kanaya guessed that was how she would describe it. Maybe. Troll romance sure was confusing!

She decided to put Vriska out of her mind for now. It was going to be hours before they had to connect anyway. She decided she might as well pack up her lunchtop and head inside. Oh, what now? What could this guy want? It never ended.

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **began trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin**

**GA: Who**

**CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho**

**GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative**

**GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok**

**CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does**

**CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to**

**GA: Why Do I Got To**

**GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less**

**CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing**

**CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs**

**GA: If Your Slander Werent So Predictable Id Block You Too For Saying That**

**GA: Has It Occurred To You She May Have Blocked You Because You Are Vvery Ovverbearing**

**GA: I Just Said That Aloud Now In Your Silly Accent And Had A Private Moment Of Enjoyment**

**CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her**

**CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right**

**GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent**

**GA: What Do You Want From Her Anyway**

**CA: she made me somethin per a prior arrangement**

**CA: she wwill delivver it wwhen wwe meet in this game but i dont knoww wwhat the logistics are yet**

**CA: im tryin to connoiter wwith her here but shes blowwin me off again fickle dirtscrapin landhag**

**GA: What Is It**

**CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin**

**CA: ok wwell not that obvviously**

**CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after**

**GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That**

**CA: wwell**

**CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable**

**CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be**

**GA: Also Speculate For A Moment That Self Preservation Might Not Be What Would Sway My Decision**

**CA: yeah go ahead and kiss us off but therell be blood on your hands**

**CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to**

**CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps**

**CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks**

**CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once**

**CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish**

**GA: Its Just**

**GA: Laborious Listening To This**

**GA: Im Sorry**

**GA: None Of It Matters**

**CA: yeah it does its important sorry but the fate of the race and purity of the bloodline is important excuse me for being concerned**

**GA: I Know**

**GA: But You Really Should Know By Now The World Will End Tonight Regardless**

**GA: Land And Sea Dwellers Alike Will All Die**

**GA: Because Of The Game We Are About To Play**

**GA: And I Agree The Fate Of The Race Is Important But Its In My Hands Now**

**GA: All Of Ours Really**

**CA: huh**

**CA: wwell ok**

**GA: Really**

**CA: ordinarily id call bullshit on terrible stinkin bs like that but i knoww you dont really lie about stuff**

**CA: unless its to yourself**

**CA: but thats wwhy i bother evven talking to you i wwouldnt evven be here SAYIN any of this otherwwise**

**CA: so did your clouds tell you that**

**GA: The Doomsday Scenario In Particular**

**GA: No Not Exactly**

**CA: i got clouds and they dont tell me SHIT they hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities**

**CA: fuckin pain in the ass fuckin clouds**

**CA: so howw do you knoww then**

**GA: I Have Another Source**

**CA: ok wwell you are jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many wways i dont knoww wwhat to say anymore**

**CA: wwhatevver wwe wwill just play and find out i guess**

**CA: so can you tell her to talk to me anywway**

**GA: No**

**CA: god dammit**

**CA: she and me are teammates wwevve got to havve a powwwwoww or SOMETHING**

**GA: You Arent Actually On The Same Team**

**CA: fuck**

**CA: fine i get it ill step off**

**CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that**

**GA: No Thats Not It**

**CA: yeah it is your real feelins run pretty awwful RUDDY methinks evverybody knowws it**

**CA: especially that assblood karkat he and me havve you so pegged about that its upright silly**

**CA: but its cool its totally fine dont wworry ill leavve you alone and givve you a shot**

**GA: Its Unbelievable**

**GA: Her Patience**

**CA: wwhat**

**CA: wwhoa wwait wwho**

**GA: Never Mind**

**CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today**

**CA: wwhat did she say**

**CA: or glub or wwhatevver**

**GA: Something About Longing To Touch You Indiscretely**

**CA: WWWWHAT**

**GA: And That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You**

**GA: As Deep In The Flushed Quadrant As One Can Be**

**CA: wwait**

**CA: did she actually say that**

**CA: in confidence**

**GA: To The Letter**

**CA: can you copy exactly wwhat she said**

**GA: Absolutely Not**

**CA: this is bullshit youre bee essing me in some wway awwful**

**CA: you dont lie but you do tease and ill tranfuse my kickass royal blood out wwith incontinent musclebeast discharge if i wwont knoww wwhen im gettin hooked**

**GA: Yeah**

**GA: Shes Just A Concerned Moirail**

**GA: Looking Out For You**

**GA: Thats All**

**CA: awwww fuck**

**CA: see im tellin you**

**CA: you got to play your cards right**

**GA: What Do You Mean**

**CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people**

**CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward**

**GA: Oh**

**GA: Hmm**

**CA: kan its hard**

**GA: What**

**CA: being a kid and growwing up**

**CA: its hard and nobody understands**

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **ceased trolling ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

Kanaya returned to her room. There was a lot to do before she entered. There would be lots of people to talk to and help along the way. No, not meddle with or mediate. HELP, dammit! Kanaya was very helpful.

She had a lot of information about what she and her coplayers were about to face. She was jacked tight the fuck into this thing in so many ways we don't know what to say anymore. And it wasn't just cloud visions either. She had another source.

She sat at her computer and brought up an image of the Furthest Ring. In one dream, the clouds had pointed her to the address of a server hidden in an obscure pocket of a realm unknowable to mortals. It contained a journal written by a young member of an alien species. This alien had documented her experiences playing the game that Kanaya was about to play.

She could only assume this had taken place a long time ago. This race was likely ancient, preceding hers by millions of sweeps. Maybe billions! Had they been successful in repopulating their race? Had they managed to protect the matriorb and hatch a new mother grub? Had they held it together, or had they been torn apart by the complex social dynamics, the matespritships and moirallegiances and auspisticisms and kismesissitudes that would surely plague Kanaya's own group along the way? She had little doubt they'd succeeded with flying colors.

She also had little doubt that their victory had been due to their leader, a great heroine, the Tentacletherapist. From what this girl had recorded, it seemed their group had had very little knowledge of what they'd been getting into. And yet they appeared to have been the only of their kind to have risen to the challenge in a session stacked heavily against them. Kanaya was convinced that this R.L.'s leadership had been the difference.

Kanaya thought it would be nice to have a chance to talk to her. Alas, she'd likely been dead for millennia. Only the incomplete record of a long forgotten quest remained. On the other hand, if she was to discover that her quest had ended in failure, it might have been somewhat disillusioning, but that thought had never crossed her mind.


	63. Book 4 Chapter 16: Tavros in LOSAZ

Final Chapter of Hivebent. Sorry I haven't updated in a week or so. I'm trying to post this as quickly as I can. Trust me. Also, if there are strange things going on (say, for instance, I typed a web address, or there was supposed to be a picture, or someone's pesterlog response is blank), please PM me and tell me so that I can reformat it. Thanks! -Morn

* * *

Chapter 16: Tavros's Adventures in LOSAZ

Having narrowly dodged obliteration, Tavros took his place as the Page of Breath in the Land of Sand and Zephyr.

And in time, Vriska built up his hive with a bunch of stairs.

**AG: Taaaaaaaavros!**

**AG: Go outside and look at what I 8uilt for you! You are going to FLIP!**

**AT: oKAY,**

He rolled outside and groaned at the apparently endless steps. He was in a _wheelchair_! Remember, Vriska?

**AT: i THINK THIS, iS,**

**AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME,**

**AG: What are you talking a8out. Look at my 8eatiful 8uilding. Don't you think it's a8out time someone got a little cre8tive with this game?**

**AT: uMMM, mAYBE,**

**AG: Everyone always wants to do things the 8oring way.**

**AG: Didn't we make a truce, Tavros? That we would try to 8e less 8oring from now on?**

**AG: You don't want to 8reak your truce with me, do you Tavros?**

**AT: nO,**

**AG: Gr8. Now get clim8ing!**

**AT: pLEASE DON'T READ THIS AS,**

**AT: a BORING THING, i HOPE,**

**AT: bUT,**

**AT: iT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT, mOSTLY,**

**AG: Man. I knew it. Toreasnooze is 8ACK IN ACTION.**

**AT: wHY DON'T YOU, iN LIKE,**

**AT: a NOT BORING WAY, bUILD,**

**AT: mORE INCLINED SURFACES, lIKE YOU DID OVER THERE,**

**AT: mAYBE YOU COULD COLOR THEM, wITH FUN COLORS,**

**AT: sO YOU WON'T THINK THEY'RE BORING AND GET ANGRY AT ME SOME MORE,**

**AG: I 8uilt that ramp 8ecause we were in a hurry to save your life, remem8er?**

**AG: A dead Tavros is even more 8oring than an alive and crippled Tavros 8y a slim margin.**

**AG: My stair structure is lovely and I'm not changing it.**

**AG: Now hop out of your wheel device and get clim8ing!**

**AT: uHH,**

**AT: cLIMBING,**

**AG: Or crawling. Whatever! Stop 8eing so helpless. It's pathetic.**

**AT: iT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME,**

**AG: What's the rush! You're in the game, safe and sound. Look in the sky. Do you see any meteors? I sure don't!**

**AT: bUT, tHERE ARE IMPS AROUND,**

**AT: aND i'LL BE SORT OF DEFENSELESS,**

**AT: lYING DOWN ON STAIRS,**

**AG: Siiiiiiiigh.**

**AG: You did not just use that excuse. We 8oth know you can commune with these things.**

**AG: Hey! Why don't you psychically command them to carry you up?**

**AG: Oh my god that is a gr8 idea. Once again, leave it to Vriska to come up with the cre8tive solutions.**

**AT: i WOULDN'T REALLY,**

**AT: WANT TO MAKE THEM DO THAT,**

**AT: i JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, wHY,**

**AT: wE CAN'T DO THIS THE EASY WAY,**

**AG: What good would that do you?**

**AG: Whatever the purpose of this game is, it makes you work hard for it!**

**AG: That way you 8ecome stronger along the way and you are 8etter prepared for whatever's next.**

**AG: Remem8er when we used to flarp together? It was the exact same principle. And that's why you were always outmatched! You were too soft and not well prepared.**

**AG: Nothing comes easy, Tavros. That is why we go through the trials in the 8rooding caverns when we are young.**

**AG: To make sure we are strong when we come out!**

**AG: Do you remem8er the trials, Tavros?**

**AT: nOT VERY WELL, nO,**

**AG: Well, I do, and they were a 8itch.**

**AG: 8ut now that I think a8out it, it would make perfect sense if your trials were really easy 8y some mistake.**

**AG: That is why you are such a soggy phlegm sponge, and why you got picked 8y such a sad, frail little lusus!**

**AT: }:(**

**AG: 8ut that's ok, it pro8a8ly wasn't your fault. Just a 8ad 8r8k!**

**AG: You're lucky you have me as a server player, so I can challenge you and help you get strong.**

**AG: Now hop out of that seat and get clim8ing! I will deliver the device to you once you are at the top.**

**AG: Clim8, Pupa!**

**AG: Cliiiiiiiiim8!**

**AT: mAYBE i SHOULD ASK TINKERBULL ABOUT THIS,**

**AT: hE'S REALLY SMART, nOW THAT HE CAN TALK,**

**AG: No!**

**AG: You don't need help from your lame 8ull fairy. He is only holding you 8ack.**

**AT: hE'S MY FRIEND,**

**AG: God. Pathetic.**

**AG: This is getting frustrating.**

**AG: Why did I have to get stuck with the cripple? Just my luck.**

**AG: Do you have any idea how inconvenient this is? Do you have any sympathy for what I'm dealing with here?**

**AT: uHH,**

**AG: You're so inconsider8. You just sit there looking smug. It's infuri8ing to look at you.**

**AG: You haven't even thanked me! Or apologized for that matter!**

**AG: uHHHHHHHH THANKS VRISKA, fOR sAVING UHH MY LIFE,**

**AG: uMMMMM IT SURE WAS 8RAVE AND HEROIC AND PRETTY OF YOU,**

**AG: aLSO uMMM dUHHH,,,, uMMM,,, i AM SORRY FROM THE 8OTTOM OF MY NOOK,,,,,,,,,,**

**AG: Seriously, how hard would that have 8een?**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: tHANKS, i GUESS,**

**AT: bUT,**

**AT: sORRY FOR WHAT,**

**AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass!**

**AT: yOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE,**

**AT: fOR BEING PARALYZED,**

**AG: Yes.**

**AG: Say you're sorry.**

**AT: i DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, oR bORING,**

**AT: bUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, gIVEN,**

**AT: uH, tHE CIRCUMSTANCES,**

**AG: 8ullshit!**

**AG: It's something called 8asic decency and civility you fudge8looded 8oor.**

**AG: Now get down on your useless wo88ly knees and apologize.**

**AT: nO, i DON'T WANT TO,**

**AG: ::::O**

Vriska used the SGRUB cursor to shake Tavros back and forth in his wheelchair.

**AG: Apologize, Pupa!**

**AG: Apologiiiiiiiize!**

**AG: Say you're sorry for being a cripple! Wheeeeeeee!**

**AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!**

Now Vriska had done it. She'd woken Tavros's mighty inner fury that was RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But unfortunately, Rufio was not real. He was imaginary. A fake. Like a made-up friend, the way fairies were. Tavros continued to be sad alone while Vriska shook him back and forth.

In the meantime, Vriska's server player bonked her in the back of the head with the toilet. It was time for the spider troll girl to stop.

**AG: Hey, what's your deal!**

**AG: Shouldn't you 8e helping me out of this jam instead of fussing with my plum8ing?**

**GA: Just Presenting A Floating Reminder That Tavros Will Need Plenty Of Inclined Surfaces For His Ascent**

**AG: That's silly. I made so many ramps, you wouldn't even 8elieve it.**

**AG: I specifically decided I wanted to 8uild something ugly and 8oring. It is now the land of ramps and yawns.**

**GA: Hes Reported Otherwise**

**AG: That lousy snitch! May8e I should take his computer away so he can't go crying to fussyfangs anymore.**

**GA: Maybe I Should Upend This Load Gaper Over Your Head**

**AG: No, don't!**

**GA: Im Still Learning The Interface**

**GA: It Could Happen Accidentally At Any Moment**

**AG: I'm only trying to help him. ::::(**

**GA: Think Of Another Way To Help**

**AG: Fine.**

**AG: I'll do something NICE.**

**AG: I have an idea. I will 8e right 8ack.**

**AG: And for the record, I was going to do this anyway! I was just trying to make him a 8etter player first.**

**GA: Ok**

**AG: In the meantime, how a8out I serve my client player the way I think is 8est, and you can do the same for yours?**

**GA: Hmm**

**GA: I Thought I Was**

Vriska scurried down the stairs in her hive to one of her innumerable loot strongholds where she stashed riches and gold and jewels and prizes plundered during her campaigns. And there they were. Her rocket boots. She had to confess she'd find favor with just about any kind of footwear as long as it was bright red. She'd have worn these striking boots even if they'd been pieces of junk. But as it happened, they worked fine and were awesome.

She captchalogued them and caught the eight ball that materialized. Upon making her way back up the stairs, she saw Kanaya moving the dice scattered across the floor into a nice neat pile and noticed that she'd done the same with the eight balls.

**AG: Quit cleaning up after me!**

**AG: You are so ridiculous.**

She shook the eight ball she was holding and revealed the code of the card within. It was "Pshoooes." She sent them to the bull troll. Tavros alchemized the code thing and wore the shoes. Immediately, they transformed into a sweet rocket.

"Fly pupa!" Vriska shouted.

**AG: Flyyyyyyyy!**

Some time later, Tavros and his fearsome entourage of underlings entered the ruins of an ancient temple. Two large statues of upright lizards stood on top and a small entrance was visible beneath. The underlings and their leader crawled through their and emerged into the puzzle room.

One of the imps placed a piece of green stone into the frog-shaped puzzle. It fit perfectly. Tavros communed with Vriska and let her know what was going on.

**AT: yESSSS, aNOTHER PIECE FITS,**

**AT: wE ARE MAKING SOME STRICT PROGRESS ON THIS PUZZLE,**

**AG: Oh. That's cool I guess.**

**AT: sO WHERE DO YOU THINK, iS THE NEXT ONE,**

**AG: Um, I don't know? Pro8a8ly 8uried in the stupid sand somewhere like all the others.**

**AT: oKAY, THAT'S MOSTLY WHAT i WAS THINKING TOO, bUT,**

**AT: iT SUDDENLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU THINK THE PUZZLE IS COOL,**

**AG: The puzzle sucks! All these puzzles suck.**

**AG: If I have to help you put one more dum8 sla8 of 8oring rock into another stupid wall indent8tion I am going to put an indent8tion in my desk with my f8ce.**

**AT: bUT IT, uHH,**

**AT: iT LOOKS LIKE A FROG,**

**AT: aND THAT'S KIND OF FUN,**

**AG: Snore. These puzzles are for wigglers. I solved way 8etter puzzles than this in my heyday as Mindfang.**

**AG: Oh look some ruins. Oh look another mysterious recess in the wall! I wonder if something fits in there?**

**AG: It pro8a8ly just opens a secret passage to more wall indent8tions. I am so over this puzzle.**

**AT: uHH, bUT,**

**AT: tHEY ARE NECESSARY TO SOLVE, aREN'T THEY,**

**AT: tO FIND NEW MAGIC ARTIFACTS AND THINGS, aND LEARN MORE ABOUT THE LORE OF THIS LAND,**

**AG: Tavros, let me let you in on a little secret a8out the lore of your land.**

**AG: It's 8oring!**

**AT: }:o**

**AG: The minds of your consorts are very soft and impressiona8le.**

**AG: As easily manipul8ed as all those imps you've 8een 8ossing around.**

**AG: I have picked apart their tiny little lizard 8rains and seen through all the smoke and mirrors of their riddles.**

**AG: I have gotten to the truth they are guarding. The great 8ig mystery 8ehind this planet. And you know what it is, Tavros?**

**AT: nO,**

**AG: It's 8ullshit!**

**AG: Meaningless, 8oring, fanciful 8ullshit wrapped in flowery poems to keep you guessing.**

**AG: It all leads to one thing anyway, and that's what we should put our attention on.**

**AG: Real gamers cut to the chase. They power through all the nonsense and go for the gold.**

**AG: They cheat, Tavros.**

**AG: It is time you learned to start cheating.**

**AT: i THOUGHT, i KIND OF WAS CHEATING,**

**AT: bY MAKING FRIENDS WITH MONSTERS,**

**AG: Well, it's a good start. You are 8ending the rules and getting stuff done.**

**AG: Ok I will admit, I am fairly impressed with your progress so far. Even though you still pro8a8ly haven't even killed a single enemy!**

**AT: uMM,**

**AG: No, don't 8other. I know you haven't.**

**AG: 8ut may8e that's ok. May8e it's just your style, and your real strength is surrounding yourself with allies who are much stronger than you.**

**AG: Like me!**

**AG: I'm sure there is more than one way up the echeladder. In your case pro8a8ly the only way is to roll gently up the echeramp.**

**AG: The path of the invalid.**

**AT: yEAH, i AGREE,**

**AG: 8ut I think it's time to stop fucking around! You need to 8e challenged more.**

**AG: I have 8een designing a quest for you that should test your true limits.**

**AT: oHH,**

**AT: iS THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING, aLL THIS TIME,**

**AG: Yes.**

**AT: i MEAN, nOT THAT i DON'T,**

**AT: aPPRECIATE IT, BUT,**

**AT: dON'T YOU HAVE YOUR OWN QUEST TO DO,**

**AG: Yeah, well, after she got me in the game, Kanaya just left me in the lurch, pro8a8ly 8ecause she's dealing with her own crisis now.**

**AG: Which is just as well 8ecause I was starting to get nannied HARD. You wouldn't even 8elieve it.**

**AT: nANNIED,**

**AG: So I had some time to kill.**

**AG: I drew you a map!**

**AT: wHOAAA,**

**AG: Here, take a look.**

**AG: It marks what will 8e your new destination. Where you will find the ultim8 challenge.**

Tavros looked at the map that Vriska had sent him. There _he_ was, with the lizards on the podium, and _there_ was where he wanted to go, some kind of broken windmill. Vriska had written: "To 7th G8! Go here →". She'd also marked two other places in the desert. There was a cave that Vriska had written "ZZZZZZZZ" about and another similar cave for which Vriska had written "More 8oring puzzles. Ignore them!"

**AT: wHERE DOES IT GO,**

**AG: I have determined from your consorts that there is a terri8le monster deep underground.**

**AG: It guards a hoard of treasure 8igger than either of us can imagine!**

**AG: It is called a denizen, and it is the 8oss of your whole planet.**

**AG: Tavros, you will go and face your denizen.**

**AT: wON'T THAT BE,**

**AT: tOO DIFFICULT,**

**AG: It will 8e the most powerful adversary you have ever met.**

**AG: 8ut you can handle it. I 8elieve in you!**

**AT: uM, tHANKS,**

**AT: i MEAN, i RESPECT THAT YOU HAVE LOTS OF,**

**AT: pIRATEY BRAVADO ABOUT STUFF, aND YOU TYPE FAST ABOUT IT,**

**AT: bUT i THINK THIS IS FOOLISH AND NOT SENSIBLE,**

**AT: i WILL PROBABLY JUST GET KILLED, rEALISTICALLY,**

**AG: May8e! That is the risk you take 8y 8eing a 8rave adventurer.**

**AG: 8ut it is a good opportunity to apply your cunning.**

**AG: May8e you can rally a huge army to 8end to your will and overwhelm the monster? Who knows! It is up to you.**

**AG: This is it, Tavros. It is time to sink or swim.**

**AT: i SHOULD GET kANAYA'S ADVICE,**

**AT: oR MAYBE kARKAT SINCE HE IS THE LEADER,**

**AG: No!**

**AG: Oh god, every time. Always going and getting to others to 8ail you out.**

**AG: Anyway, Kanaya is missing in action, and Karkat has his head up his nook with his new sta88y h8friend.**

**AG: Neither can help you.**

**AT: iT'S JUST HARD TO FIGURE OUT,**

**AT: iF YOU REALLY THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA STRATEGICALLY,**

**AT: oR IF IT'S JUST MORE OF THE THING, wHERE YOU HARASS ME BUT SOUND EXCITED ABOUT IT,**

**AG: Tavros, I know no8ody 8elieves me a8out this, pro8a8ly not even a gulli8le dope like you.**

**AG: 8ut I actually care a8out your advancement as a player.**

**AG: Everything I have done has 8een to make you stronger!**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE, aBOUT THAT,**

**AG: Ugh, you are useless!**

**AG: I'm done talking a8out this. Now shut up and point that cherry vehicle of yours toward the X on that map.**

**AG: Next stop, g8 seven. Let's go.**

**AT: uHHHHHH,**

**AG: This isn't optional. You know very well that I can make you go to that g8 whether you want to or not!**

**AG: 8ut I would rather it not have to come to that.**

**AG: What will it 8e?**

**AG: Advance or advance?**

**AT: oKAY,**

**AT: i WILL GO,**

**AG: Oh one last thing.**

**AG: Equip your 8oy-Skylark outfit.**

**AG: This will 8e Pupa's last stand!**

**AG: I mean sit.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

Tavros pointed his cherry red vehicle towards the X on the map and flew towards it. Actually, as it turned out, there _was_ an X on the windmill that was made up the fan blades. He flew through the gate, which seemed to actually be his second, because he was now in the Land of Maps and Treasure (LOMAT). The Thief of Light lay in wait for him.

The troll boy crashed into the side of Vriska's hive and got caught in a spider web. He desperately tried to escape, but Vriska woke up from her slumber on a pile of broken eight balls before he could crawl his way out. She wore a white dress with her symbol on it with wings attached to its back.

"Oh my," she said, stretching her limbs. She enunciated every word clearly and almost, it seemed, mockingly. "It appears as though Pupa Pan himself has flown through my window while I was asleep. How exciting! Surely he is here to take me away on the adventure of a lifetime. He's more heroic than I'd ever imagined!"

Tavros fell out onto the ground. "Vriska?" He said uncertainly. She continued to talk.

"But what's this?" she asked loudly in mock surprise. Tavros flinched. "It seems the legendary boy-skylark has misplaced his shadow. He is looking _everywhere_ for it, to no avail. He is having a devil of a time, what with being paralyzed from the waist down and all. He clearly needs my help."

She stood up and walked over to where he lay. "Vriska, what are you doing?" he said, but Vriska shooshed him.

"Pupa!" she cried. "You truly are a silly goose. Your shadow has been trapped underneath your useless torso the whole time! Honestly," she continued, shaking her head, "where else would it be, you stupid sack of shit?"

She kicked his Pupa Pan hat. "Of course," she went on, "the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around. And play and dance and frolic! Your shadow will surely join in the gaiety." She stood over him menacingly.

"But," he said falteringly, "I can't stand up and play and dance… and frolic, or what it was you said."

"Oh," Vriska said, faking surprise. "It appears Pupa has lost the use of his legs. There will be no frolicking in this young man's future. ::::( Unless…"

Vriska paused and Tavros took the moment to voice his objections. "Stop... um, I mean, please stop talking about me in the third person. It really gets on Rufio's nerves and…"

"Oh shut up," Vriska said annoyedly. She put her hands, one flesh and one mechanical, on her knees and bent over Tavros as one would over a pet or a small child. "Pupa, Rufio doesn't exist. He's just a name you gave your silly self-esteem.

"Now," she said, "everyone knows that just a pinch of Special Stardust along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again." She paused for dramatic effect. "Everyone knows this because it is in the classic fairy tale, Pupa Pan. Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter."

To be honest, Vriska hardly knew a damn thing about Pupa Pan, but she did not care. She threw a pinch of Special Stardust in Tavros's face, making him cough. She looked at him. He remained as useless as ever. The stardust had done nothing! Probably because it was just glittery powder with no magical properties whatsoever and was basically bullshit. Because in case it hadn't been clear, magic wasn't real, and neither were miracles.

Or…

It could just be that Pupa had failed to have a happy thought! Vriska's duty was clear. She would have to _make_ him have happy thoughts.

She lifted him off the ground and pressed her lips to his. Tavros struggled in Vriska's grip, eyes wide. But before he could get away, Vriska pushed him away from her, still holding his shirt tightly and snarled. Tavros wondered if Vriska was thinking Matespritship-ish thoughts or Kismesissitude-ish thoughts. She threw him back to the ground and began to manipulate him with her mind.

Tavros, under Vriska's mind control, grabbed onto her dress and tried to pull himself up, lips puckered. Vriska slapped her forehead in uncertainty and overwhelming emotions and let go of the poor troll boy. Tavros fell back to the ground.

Meanwhile, Kanaya dealt with her own crisis and entered The Medium. Whew, crisis resolved. It had no doubt been harrowing and suspenseful. But in the meantime, she'd left her client player in the lurch. Ideally the girl had not gotten herself into too much trouble. And ideally the dramatic irony had not gotten so thick she could draw a dotted line on it with a tube of lipstick and cut it in half with a chainsaw.

She sat at her lunchtop again and pulled up the screen with her server client, only to see Tavros struggling in Vriska's grip while she kissed him intensely. Kanaya's eyes widened in shock. That dress… _she'd_ made it for Vriska. So that was why the scheming spider girl had had her make it? And she'd just gone along with it like a sucker.

"Argh, I am such an IDIOT!" she yelled in outrage. She broke down and began to sob, green tears cascading down her wan face.

"There there, sweetheart," Mothersprite said comfortingly. The Mother Grub lusus laid a gnarled claw on Kanaya's shoulder.

Kanaya looked down at the other white fairy dress she'd made. It was hard. Being a kid and growing up. It was hard and nobody understood. She tossed the garment out the window.

To be continued in Book 5: The Scratch


	64. Book 5 Chapter 1: Troll Romance

p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Book 5: The Scratch/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Chapter 1: Troll Romance/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The problem with understanding troll romance is that when the subject is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable. But we will do our best to understand regardless./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol. A less than sign followed by a three. A /strong/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance requires four symbols. Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the flushed quadrant, the caliginous quadrant, the pale quadrant, and the ashen quadrant./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between red romance and black romance./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Red romance, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. Black romance, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are concupiscent, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are conciliatory, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time. Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be matesprits. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans (example: Rose's Mom and John's Dad). This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"When a pair of adversaries delve into the caliginous quadrant, they become each other's kismesis. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the Black Queen and her Archagent, Jack Noir. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right. The symbol for this quadrant is the spade./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the Imperial Drone comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his filial pails. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The genetic material - emwithout going into much detail/em - is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Troll reproduction sure is weird. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The ashen quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their auspistice. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"An example of an auspistitude is Kanaya mediating between Tavros and Vriska. Its symbol is the club, which has three spokes, one at the top for the auspistice and the two below for the feuding trolls./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. An example of this volatility is Equius and Aradia switching between being matesprits and kismesises./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though. An example of this insanity is Vriska and Tavros switching between being matesprits and kismesises and then Kanaya mediating between the two of them and stabilizing the relationship, unless Kanaya isn't paying attention./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The pale quadrant presides over moirallegiance, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their moirail. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful. The symbol for moirallegiance is that of a diamond./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegiance, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"But some pale pairings, as the one between Nepeta and Equius, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other, such as the mysterious trolls strongcaligulasAquarium/strong and strongcuttlefishCuller/strong, whom we will now examine and know the names of… well, after a bit more troll romance exposition. I'm going to switch out of present tense now though./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"So, let's see… the two trolls we have yet to meet were in a moirallegiance, clearly (they seemed to be hatched for each other) and Kanaya resided over Tavros and Vriska as an auspistice, although sometimes it switched such that Kanaya and Vriska were in a moirallegiance, and sometimes Kanaya and strongCA/strong would have flushed feelings for their moirallegiance partner, and sometimes sometimes Vriska and strongCA/strong would get locked in a kismesissitude, and then sometimes Kanaya would intervene as an auspistice, and sometimes Tavros and Vriska would switch back and forth between kismesises and matesprits and Kanaya would be their auspistice and the whole cycle would repeat with those five trolls./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"See the above paragraph? This was the romantic dynamics of five of the twelve trolls. Now imagine what it would have been like had I explained all pairings and auspiticisms between vicious trolls and crazy matesprit-kismesis fluctuations and moirallegiances with one partner wanting to change it to a matespritship and… see what I mean? Trolls. Romance. It would take a good chapter to describe all twelve trolls and their romantic tendencies. Maybe even a whole book! So let's not dwell on that./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Later, our troll hero Karkat would try to explain this to our human hero John, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of this chapter. He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudge-blooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready? Yes, they would./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"John didn't understand any of this because he was a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage. But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape was rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believed strongly that each quadrant held one and only one true pairing for them, and it was just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of troll serendipity./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"In short, their belief was that for each quadrant there existed a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were…/p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Made for each other. Two sea-dwelling trolls stood on the ocean floor. They were locked in an intense moirallegiance that could not be broken./p  
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Wow, a great transition. Let's see if it'll stick this time instead of devolving into nonsense again. We have no choice but to take a stab at the rare and highly dangerous 2x transition combo./p 


	65. Book 5 Chapter 2: CA and CC

Chapter 2: caligulasAquarium and cuttlefishCuller

Ooh, it looks like it worked. The narrative shifted to a sea-dwelling troll with horns shaped like lightning bolts and thick reading glasses. His unruly black hair had a purple-dyed stripe in it, unusual for a troll. Two parts of his face stuck out in three-pronged gills. He wore a long purple cape over his black shirt with a purple Aquarius symbol on it and had black-and-blue-striped pants on. On his hands were a large multitude of rings and he wore an irritated expression on his face as always. Next to this troll was a bottle of Faygo as well as a black sand crab. Who was this guy anyway?

His name was Eridan Ampora and he was ready to do something awesome.

He mounted his seahorse lusus and flew up above the waves. A storm was brewing on the surface, and Eridan's face contorted into a grimace. He put his finger near the harpoon gun trigger and waited for the creature that he knew would leap out of the water. All he had to do was wait for it.

A purple bolt of lightning struck nearby with a loud crack. Eridan's seahorse, scared, attempted to get away, but he steadied it and continued to wait. And then suddenly, a whale leaped out of the clouds.

"Thar she blows," he said, and as the whale swooped around him and faced him with a monstrous roar, Eridan pulled the trigger.

A blast of bright blue light shot from the harpoon gun and caught the whale dead in the middle of its flight. It stabbed through the creature's stomach and lightning bolted away into the distance.

The whale fell from the air with a loud cry, purple blood trailing from behind it. It landed in the water with a huge splash. It was fish food now.

Okay, this guy was pretty much squared anyway. What about his moirail, the other girl?

Eridan's moirail had larger than normal horns, but they weren't as large as, say, Tavros's. She had a gold band on her forehead with her horological symbol on a magenta-colored circle in the center of it. She had long black eyelashes that were thicker than on most trolls as well as long, flowing hair that went down to perhaps her knees. She wore golden collars around her neck, wrists, and ankles as well as necklaces and bracelets that were light blue and pink. She also had magenta swimming goggles over her eyes. A double-sided trident she held behind her back, which she was kind of sitting on right now, floating deep underwater in the middle of the ocean. In terms of clothing, she had on a black tank top with a magenta symbol of Pisces on it and a strangely-designed skirt that was in the colors green, pink, and blue. She had magenta shoes on and, like Eridan, had gills on her face.

Her name was Feferi Peixes and she was ready to do something adorable.

She swam upwards toward the whale that Eridan had just killed, caught it in a net, and dragged it deep into the abyss of the deep sea, where her monstrous lusus waited.

Feferi released the net and the whale tumbled into the lusus's grasp. It extended one long tentacle and pulled the unfortunate into its waiting avian beak. She had two small eyes near where the whale was, but also maintained numerous larger eyes on its sides. To make a faithful analogy as to how large she was in terms of how many Feferi's made it up, one would need to look to perhaps an entire house being the size of the lusus and an ant being the size of Feferi.

A mysterious blue arm stuck out of nowhere and felt the end of one of the lusus's tentacles with its digits. It pulled back in surprise and disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Feferi did not notice, nor did the lusus due to its tremendous size.

Feferi returned home. That should keep the lusus quiet for a while… at least, until she died.

Eridan returned home. That should keep Feferi happy for a while. And make a freshly orphaned troll somewhere pretty sad about the death of their whale lusus.

He conveniently stood in his respiteblock so that we may study his variety of interests. This was very considerate of the sea troll.

Flowing through Eridan's veins was nearly the richest blood the hemospectrum had to offer, penultimate on the scale. As such, he was a sea dweller, a subrace of trolls distinct from the commoners by mutation and habit, a caste which ruled over the entire species. But ruling, in his view, was not enough. He had an overpowering genocide complex, and had made it his sworn duty to kill all land dwellers. He had amassed resources and deadly weaponry from around the world for this ambition through many sweeps of extreme role playing, while pursuing a working doomsday device which would bring armageddon to all those on the surface. He hadn't had much luck with that, but maybe tonight was his night.

Eridan also held a fascination for military history and legendary conquerors. He had dubiously modeled his profile and exploits after the most notorious figures and their stories, which were bristling with the glory of victory and the sting of defeat and political machinations and romantic intrigue. It was an image he was careful to craft through exaggerated emotional theatrics, and his penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tended to regard him as a bit of a tool.

He also liked magic even though it he knew it to be fake. Like a made up friend, the way wizards were. Made up make believe fakey fakey fakes! It was still fun though.

His trolltag was **caligulasAquarium** and he **spoke wwith a vvery wweird and sort of wwavvy soundin accent.**

He held off on doing anything for the moment on account of courtesy to fellow royalty. It would be rude to start doing stuff while Feferi remained unintroduced.

On the subject of courtesy, Feferi had returned to her block so we could get a better look at her. Again, quite considerate. Royalty sure was civilized!

She was a sea dweller. She had the most noble blood possible, the only of her kind known to possess it, and the only to share it with Gl'bgolyb, a deep sea monster also known as The Rift's Carbuncle; Emissary to the Horrorterrors; or, in more hushed tones, Speaker of the Vast Glub.

This made her the heir apparent for Alternian rulership, which ordinarily would place her in considerable jeopardy. Her Imperious Condescension would steer the flagship from her fleet and make an attempt on Feferi's life herself, if not for the protection of her monstrous lusus. And if not forewarned of her race's extinction by the whispers of that lusus, she would have big plans for the throne. All the plans. All of them.

She would redefine what it meant to be culled in troll society. Under her rule it would mean caring for the unfit and infirm rather than exterminating them, and she'd put this idea into practice by culling the fauna of the deep. She tended to wild and beautiful aquatic hoofbeasts, grooming and feeding them daily, and she captured and caged cuttlefish by the thousands for their own good. Well, also because they were funny and colorful and Feferi loved them. They often swam through the bars of their cages, but that was fine. She ran her whole palace as a sort of wildlife adoption facility, even if the wildlife's need for care was dubious at best, and the practice really just amounted to an elaborate role playing scenario. It was still fun though.

Feferi would also look forward to using her reign to unite the two troll races. She'd been told she would do this by her lusus, even if it did contradict her message of extinction. Oh well, she supposed _not all _prophecies could come true.

Her trolltag was **cuttlefishCuller** and she **)(ad a )(ard time not getting R-EALLY -EXCIT-ED ABOUT PRACTICALLY -EV-ERYT)(ING**.

Eridan and Feferi decided to do something ridiculous together. Feferi envisioned herself riding one of her aquatic hoofbeasts. YES. Eridan envisioned himself riding his seahorse lusus. FUCK YES. Feferi tipped her hat to Eridan. HELL… Eridan wore a blue scarf and a blue pointy wizard hat and held a lightning bolt-shaped magic wand in his hand even though magic was fake. Clearly. …FUCKING… They did a fistbump over the ocean. ...YES!

Except that last paragraph didn't actually happen. It had all been in their imaginations. They did, however, contact each other via Trollian.

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **began trolling ****cuttlefishCuller [CC]**

**CA: fef**

**CA: hey**

**CC: ?**

**CA: glub**

**CC: Glub glub!**

**CC: 38)**

**CA: yeah**

**CA: hm**

**CC: W)(at is it!**

**CA: wwhat**

**CC: I am wondering if you can forego t)(e exaggerated emotional t)(eatrics for once and actually tell me w)(at's on your mind!**

**CA: nothins on my mind wwhy cant i just fuckin talk and glub at you for a reason i dont havve**

**CC: 38|**

**CA: wwell fine but you dont wwant to hear it**

**CC: Yes I do.**

**CC: We are supposed to talk to eac)( ot)(er, t)(at is w)(at moirails are for.**

**CA: uhuh wwhatevver**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub siiiiig)(.**

**CC: Will you take t)(e c)(ip off your nub and tell me w)(at's t)(e matter?**

**CA: yeah wwell ok since wwe are the PALEST OF PALS A GUY COULD EVVER ASK FOR**

**CA: i wwill tell you**

**CA: evven though you wwill only humor me as usual since you dont agree wwith my agenda**

**CA: any of my agendas really**

**CA: none of the agendas**

**CA: none of them**

**CC: Are you fretting over anot)(er one of t)(ese dumb contraptions?**

**CA: see**

**CA: more condescension**

**CA: you are goin to make a hell of an empress**

**CC: No I'm not! But t)(at is beside t)(e point.**

**CC: None of your plots to kill t)(e land dwellers ever work out, and every doomsday device you get your )(ands on turns out to be a piece of junk!**

**CA: so**

**CA: i got to keep tryin thats howw all the great military masterminds became great through upright persevverance**

**CC: I t)(ink deep down you stack t)(ese plots against you so you fail because you know it's wrong.**

**CA: it isnt wwrong**

**CA: im not going to explain it to you again**

**CA: at this point all you need to knoww is its important to me**

**CA: and im doing it for us**

**CA: i mean our kind**

**CA: nobody understands not evven you**

**CC: T)(is is t)(e last time I will say t)(is.**

**CC: W-E AR-E NOT B-ETT-ER T)(AN ANYBODY!**

**CC: GLUB. 38(**

**CA: pshh**

**CA: hemospectrum begs to differ**

**CC: If you're as sickened by t)(em as you say, w)(y do you spend so muc)( time on land?**

**CC: You can't )(ave t)(e sort of affinity for "our kind" t)(at you profess if you've only spent, w)(at...**

**CC: A few days underwater, maybe? IN YOUR W)(OL-E LIF-E!**

**CA: wwhatevver**

**CA: i havve to keep an eye on em up here**

**CA: its all about tactics**

**CC: W)(at about your friends? Do you ever t)(ink about t)(em?**

**CC: If t)(ey are beneat)( you t)(en t)(ey )(ave to die too.**

**CC: And I know you like talking to some of t)(em. You say you )(ate t)(em but I t)(ink you are pretending!**

**CA: history is full of cases wwhere conquerers consort wwith members of the enemy in a mannerly wway before wwipin them out**

**CA: evven goin as far as growwin fond a some**

**CA: its only civvilized**

**CC: Mmm )(mm.**

**CC: I )(ave a fis)(y feeling...**

**CC: T)(at t)(is stupid doomsday mac)(ine t)(ing is just anot)(er excuse to consort!**

**CC: Wit)( someone in particular...**

**CA: all your feelins are fishy**

**CC: 38P**

**CA: GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB**

**CC: 38O**

**CC: DON'T YOU GLUB IN T)(AT TON-E OF GLUB WIT)( M-E MIST-ER!**

**CA: ill glub in wwhatevver dumbass bubbly soundin fishnoise i wwant to glub**

**CC: O)( S)(IT, you are angling for SO MUC)( TROUBL-E NOW.**

**CA: ok please lets just not get into the wwhole fuckin fish pun thing again ok**

**CA: like wwe get it wwe are nautically themed**

**CC: )(-E)(-E ok. 38)**

**CA: but yeah i dunno**

**CA: i dont knoww wwhy she ignores me i guess shes just bored wwith me**

**CA: wwe had it all set up for her to givve me this thing tonight that probably doesnt evven wwork but yeah maybe that wwasnt the point**

**CA: i mean you think wwe havve a pretty good rivvalry goin right**

**CA: or at least had**

**CA: it wwas pretty fuckin bitter and contentious for a wwhile there and there wwas some good chemistry i dont knoww wwhat happened**

**CC: Um, I guess?**

**CC: I wouldn't really know.**

**CC: Sometimes people just drift away I t)(ink, or just aren't as into t)(e quadrant as t)(e ot)(er wants to be.**

**CC: So you really t)(ink your feelings for )(er run t)(at dark?**

**CA: it doesnt matter like i said shes bored shitless**

**CA: i guess im not as good a advversary as i thought**

**CC: T)(at is so ridiculous, any girl would be lucky to )(ave a kismesis as diabolical as you, especially T)(AT one.**

**CC: W)(o knows w) (er problem is! S)(e )(as issues.**

**CA: ehhh**

**CA: wwell ok thanks for sayin so**

**CC: You know, I'm not sure w)(y we never talk about our romantic aspirations.**

**CC: We s)(ould more often. It is kind of -EXCITING!**

**CA: shrug**

**CC: Probably because you fill your gossip quota wit)( your nubby )(orned bro.**

**CC: You leave not)(ing left to talk about wit)( your dear sweet moirail!**

**CC: We are supposed to )(elp eac)( ot)(er wit)( t)(at stuff too, remember.**

**CA: maybe**

**CA: seems kinda**

**CA: odd though**

**CC: Your stupid fis)(y face is w)(at's odd!**

**CC: )(AV-E YOU -EV-ER T)(OUG)(T ABOUT T)(AT?**

**CA: fine**

**CA: wwell those are my stupid feelins wwhat about yours**

**CA: seems to me like you get along too wwell wwith evverybody to be harborin any black sentiments**

**CC: Um...**

**CC: Yea)(. I can't t)(ink of anybody I feel t)(at way about. 38\**

**CC: Maybe I am just not old enoug)( to )(ave t)(ose feelings yet? We are still pretty young you know.**

**CA: yeah**

**CC: So ok. T)(ose are your black leanings.**

**CC: W)(at about R-ED, -Eridan?**

**CC: )(MMMMM? 38D**

**CA: oh god**

**CC: Is t)(ere a lucky lady you are waxing scarlet for?**

**CC: OR LUCKY F-ELLOW? 38O**

**CA: uh**

**CC: Tell me!**

**CC: Don't pretend you're all -EMBARRASS-ED SUDD-ENLY!**

**CA: ok fef**

**CA: this is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS**

**CC: 38o**

**CA: i gotta go**

**CA: be back later wwhen its time to play**

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **ceased trolling ****cuttlefishCuller [CC]**

**CC: 38(**

Eridan stood up in silence. Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many feelings and problems. He and this sea princess had splashed down hard in the moirail zone, and now he didn't know which way was upward. Perhaps tonight he'd reveal his true feelings for her, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics once and for all, one way or another. He needed a stiff drink.

On the floor sat the bottle of Faygo he'd picked up earlier. Ugh. Not that swill. He wasn't that desperate.

He paid a visit to what the common land dwellers referred to as a thermal hull, instead of the aristocratic and especially esoteric and alien-sounding term, a refrigerator. He opened it up and a bunch of unbelievably shitty wands tumbled out. Of course he'd known these were in here. He wasn't even sure why he'd looked.

Feferi stood up in silence. Another emotionally exhausting conversation. Too many feelings and problems. That guy. Talk about a high-maintenance moirail. Perhaps tonight she'd reveal her true feelings toward him, and end these exaggerated emotional theatrics once and for all, one way or another. She needed a sugary drink.

She opened a can of Tab, which made a "pchhhissss" sound, seeing as how she was underwater.

"This is stupid!" she yelled as she tried to ingest the liquid, which poured everywhere and mixed with the water around her. She glubbed in annoyance.

Anyway, Feferi decided to unwind and take her mind off the drama for a while before starting the game. She'd nearly forgotten that this was going to be an exciting night. Everything she was about to do next was exciting. It was always exciting. She was excited.

She unequipped Ψdon's Entente, a golden double culling fork, a legendary weapon reserved for royalty, and generally only used for ceremonial purposes.

Eridan unequipped his gun, Ahab's Crosshairs, which was yet another legendary weapon, about as powerful as his riflekind abstratus would allow. He'd plundered the weapon from a ghost ship during a particularly challenging campaign. It had been the same old gamblignant's ship from which her accomplice at the time had also plundered a set of extraordinarily powerful dice.

He almost felt sorry for the adversaries he would face tonight. They would likely pose neither team much challenge at all. Unless one of the links in the prototyping chain included something especially strong and monstrous, but really, what were the odds of that happening?

On the subject of his old accomplice/rival, he guessed he'd try talking to her one more time, even though he knew she wouldn't answer. He knew she was bored shitless with him and his drama. He was almost starting not to care about this stupid doomsday device which probably wouldn't even work. She probably _knew_ he knew it wouldn't work. She had probably put all the pieces together and knew it was an elaborate ruse to be in cahoots with her again. And that stupid Serket had just gone along with it, playing him for a chump. He was such an idiot!

Meanwhile, in Vriska's block, Trollian started acting up as Equius trolled her. But the spider girl was off going on adventures with Eridan's doomsday device crushing Spidermom and so forth.

Equius waited, but Vriska didn't respond. "Yeah, see?" he muttered to himself. "No answer. Bored shitless of me, just as I thought." She had much hotter irons in the fire than him these days.

But not that long ago, he'd been the hottest iron. At the height of their prowess as seagrifts, Marquise Mindfang and Orphaner Dualscar had been in alliance an unmatched terror, and in competition, unbridled tempest. Either way, spoils had typically been traded and shared. No levels had been left for anyone else to gain. None of the levels.

She would have the victims of his conquest walk the plank to where her Spidermom waited for food below while he would reap the custodial spoils. And while yet another partook not in revelry, but in necessity. Feferi had had to keep Gl'bgolyb fed to keep her calm, to keep her terrible voice down. If the lusus were to raise the voice above a whisper, trolls would begin dying. First the lesser bloods, then those more psychically susceptible. If she were to raise it to a shout, all on the planet would die. Land and sea dwellers alike. And if she were ever to get really upset, she might release The Vast Glub, a psychic shockwave that would exterminate every troll in the galaxy.

In truth, it would be all too easy to solve the land dweller problem once and for all. They'd just lighten up on the feeding schedule for a while. Maybe he'd be a little too busy to bother with that hassle for once? Or maybe he could happen to be off his game for a spell? It happened, even to the best sometimes. But nah. It would make Feferi upset. More emotions. More problems. That was all he needed.

Sometime later, the Witch of Life took her place in the Land of Dew and Glass (LODAG). Feferi reported the status of her adventure to Eridan.

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **began trolling ****caligulasAquarium [CA]**

**CC: W)()()()()(-E-E-E-E-EW.**

**CA: fef are you in**

**CC: Yea)(...**

**CA: that took forevver**

**CA: i wwas gettin wworried kinda**

**CC: Yes, it was a pretty close call, and got kind of complicated.**

**CC: But Sollux finally came t)(roug)(, and now I believe t)(e full c)(ain is complete!**

**CA: man that guy**

**CA: hes a fuckin drama machine it is fuckin pathetic**

**CC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC-E IS T)(-E DRAMA MAC)(IN-E T)(AT DO-ES NOT)(ING BUT W)(IN-E AND GLUB.**

**CC: 38P**

**CA: fuck SORRY**

**CC: Anyway you s)(ouldn't say t)(at about )(im, )(e is a )(ero and )(e saved my life.**

**CA: yeah sorry**

**CA: i wwas just really wworried and stressed out i thought you wwere dead**

**CA: and i didnt evven get to thank you for savvin my life or really for anythin**

**CA: and i just spent all this time here wworryin and thinkin about stuff**

**CA: and i decided i havve something i wwant to tell you**

**CA: that ivve been meaning to get off my nub for a wwhile noww**

**CC: O)(, really?**

**CC: T)(at's good! Actually, I )(ave somet)(ing I )(ave been meaning to say to you too.**

**CA: wwhoa really**

**CA: uh**

**CA: wwhat is it**

**CA: you go first**

**CC: Mm, okay.**

**CC: But t)(is isn't easy to say!**

**CA: yeah i knoww**

**CA: its ok maybe i wwill understand more than you think**

**CA: wwe might evven be sayin the same thing**

**CC: Okay, I )(ope so.**

**CC: I t)(ink...**

**CC: Now t)(at we are bot)( in t)(is game, and )(ave left our world be)(ind...**

**CC: And you can no longer pose t)(e danger to our people t)(at you )(ad always planned to...**

**CC: I t)(ink it is not really necessary for me to be your moirail anymore.**

**CA: wwhoa**

**CA: wwait**

**CA: wwhat**

**CC: 38(**

**CC: I am really sorry, -Eridan. It )(as just been so )(ard looking after you and keeping you out of trouble!**

**CC: It )(as taken its toll, and )(onestly I am really ex)(austed.**

**CA: fuck**

**CA: this isnt what**

**CA: i dont knoww i wwasnt expectin this at all**

**CA: im not sure i can handle this**

**CC: I'm sorry! 38'(**

**CC: It will be t)(e best for bot)( of us. We can just sort of be...**

**CC: Regular friends instead.**

**CA: no**

**CA: please dont**

**CA: look im bein serious here dont do this**

**CA: i wont even use my weird accent while i type ok so you know im bein really dead serious and honest about this**

**CC: Uh...**

**CC: Okay, I am being serious and honest too. SEE?**

**CA: ok good**

**CA: are you sure you arent bein hasty about this youve just been through a lot**

**CA: i mean we are supposed to be fated to be moirails arent we**

**CA: isnt that how it works**

**CA: you cant just throw all that away cause youre sick of me**

**CC: I am not sick of you, Eridan! I still really like you.**

**CC: In order to be destined for moirallegience, both people have to be on board, don't you think?**

**CC: But I cannot do it anymore. So I think it just wasn't meant to be all along.**

**CC: And really, you just don't need me anymore. You are free to do as you wish! We both are.**

**CC: I can't look after you anymore.**

**CA: I DIDNT EVER NEED ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER ME**

**CA: i was totally fuckin fine my ambitions were noble**

**CA: and really none of your fuckin business QUITE FRANKLY your majesty**

**CA: and the only reason i put up with stickin my flipper in this fuckin shithole quadrant with you was**

**CC: Was what?**

**CA: nevermind**

**CC: Tell me!**

**CA: ok fine**

**CA: i apologize for losin my shit over this i was just caught off guard is all**

**CA: but maybe its a good thing really**

**CA: actually i might a been proposin the same thing to be honest**

**CC: Oh?**

**CA: yeah**

**CA: fef have you thought about**

**CA: since you dont wanna be pale with me no more**

**CA: the possibility a some other type of arrangement with me**

**CC: What do you mean?**

**CA: i mean**

**CA: somethin a bit more**

**CA: kinda reddish**

**CA: like**

**CA: brighter red**

**CC: 38O**

**CC: No, I hadn't thought about it!**

**CA: ok well what do you think about it**

**CA: now that youre thinkin about it**

**CC: Um...**

**CC: I really don't know about that.**

**CA: why not i thought you said you liked me**

**CC: I do! But I don't know if it's really in that way.**

**CA: couldnt it be though**

**CA: dont you think theres room in your collapsin and expandin bladder based aquatic vascular system for those feelins**

**CC: I've never had a chance to consider anything like that! I have just spent all my time worrying about you and trying to keep you from killing everybody or hurting yourself.**

**CC: It took all my energy.**

**CC: I don't think I have anything left for those feelings either.**

**CA: oh god**

**CC: What?**

**CA: im the biggest fuckin idiot who ever lived**

**CA: i cant BELIEVE i just opened up to you like a chump when i knew what was comin**

**CA: i am one sad fuckin brinesucker**

**CA: overemotional sappy trash youre right im not better than anybody**

**CA: im worse than anybody**

**CA: EVERYBODY**

**CA: all the bodies**

**CC: STOP!**

**CC: God.**

**CC: Will you just clam up for once in your life?**

**CC: Always carping and carping and carping!**

**CC: You go completely overboard with your emotions, always looking to reel in drama wherever you can.**

**CC: I am up to my gills in it! I just can't salmon the strength anemonemore.**

**CA: i cannot**

**CA: BELIEVE**

**CA: you are doin the fish pun thing while youre breakin up with me**

**CA: real nice**

**CA: whoops i mean REEL nice**

**CC: HEHEHE, sorry.**

**CC: But really, this shouldn't be as bad as it sounds.**

**CC: When all is said and done, I am still your friend.**

**CC: We have left our world behind. Everyone is dead, and there's no use in worrying about it now.**

**CC: It's over! It is time to play this game and focus on building something new and -EXCITING.**

**CC: So )(ang in t)(ere, -Eridan.**

**CC: I )(ave to go now! Sollux is in serious trouble, and I )(ave to go )(elp )(im.**

**CC: BY-E!**

**CA: wwait**

**CA: dont go**

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **ceased trolling ****caligulasAquarium [CA]**

**CA: glub**


	66. Book 5 Chapter 3: Meta Nonsense

Chapter 3: Meta Nonsense

Eridan banged his face against the desk. He was such an idiot. In the meantime, Feferi leaped up to her first gate to where Sollux was. She was FR-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Karkat decided to check on Sollux, but the server client was moving too slowly. "Come on, come on. Damn thing. I have to hurry or else…" He froze mid-sentence and looked at his screen. "Sollux?" he asked warily, his voice tinny. Behind him, Gamzee and Jack Noir watched him with stoned and snarling expressions, respectively. Nothing new there. Karkat slowly opened Trollian and trolled Sollux.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**CG: BRO ARE YOU OK.**

**CG: HEY**

**CG: OH GOD**

**CG: WHAT HAVE I DONE.**

**CG: SOLLUX?**

**CG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S JUST HONEY.**

**CG: PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY PLEASE JUST BE HONEY**

**CG: HAHA, OK, MAKE-BELIEVE TIME IS OVER!**

**CG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD**

Sollux lay on the Alchemiter in his block, covered in his own blood and the mind honey bees. His glasses were off to the side and his eyes were blank. Too blank. The biclops lusus hovered nearby. He was dead. Karkat began to cry.

"There, there," Jack said, patting the troll on the back, "you blubbering goddamn pansy." Behind them, Gamzee honked jovially. The three of them stood in Gamzee's planet in The Medium, the Land of Tents of Mirth.

As Jack slapped the blubbering Karkat back and forth, Gamzee indulged the emotional theatrics of Eridan, who also seemed to be trying to get hold of Karkat.

**caligulasAquarium [CA]** **began trolling ****terminallyCapricious [TC]**

**CA: gam i need to talk to kar wwhere is he he isnt answwerin**

**TC: He's bUsY BeInG SlApPeD MoThErFuCkIn sEnSeLeSs bY ThE GuY WhO LiKeS KnIvEs**

**TC: BuT I CaN ReLaY WhAt mEsSaGe yOu gOt, My bRoThEr**

**CA: i dont feel comfortable wwith that**

**CA: i havve some serious feelins and problems here and i need some advvice**

**TC: HaHa, YeAh i fEeL YoU, hE'S PrEtTy wOrKeD Up tOo**

**CA: wwhy**

**TC: BeCaUsE OuR GoOd bRo sOlLuX JuSt kIcKeD ThE WiCkEd mOtHeRfUcKiN ShIt**

**CA: wwhat the fuck do you mean by that**

**CA: are you sayin hes dead**

**TC: YeAh :o(**

**CA: oh fuck**

**CA: oh god fuck noww i feel like an asshole**

**TC: YeAh i'd sAy tHaT An aSsHoLe iS ThE ThInG ThAt jUsT AbOuT WhAt eVeRyBoDy fEeLs lIkE**

**TC: KaRkAt bLaMeS HiMsElF On iT, pOoR MoThErFuCkEr**

**TC: BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl**

**TC: BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It**

**CA: that is the wworst fuckin advvice**

**CA: wwhat an awwful thing a you to say**

**CA: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT**

**TC: i'Ve gOt tO BeLiEvE At wHaT My hEaRt tElLs iN Me, EvEn iF It's a fAkE ThInG**

**TC: HoNk**

**CA: this is a lot a pointless fuckin rubbish and isnt no emotional help to him or me either for that matter**

**CA: put kar on**

**TC: UuUuH, i cAn't rEaLlY ThInK AbOuT InTeRvEnInG, tHe bLaCk fRoWnInG MoThErFuCkEr kInDa sCaReS Me**

**TC: ArE YoU SuRe i cAn't hElP A bRoThEr Up iNtO HiS MoThErFuCkIn cHiLl?**

**CA: i dont knoww**

**CA: it probably doesnt matter**

**CA: my feelins seem petty and meaninless noww**

**CA: she had better things to wworry about than my ovverwwrought bullshit**

**CA: like the dead guy wwho savved her**

**CA: so forget it thanks anywway**

**TC: BrO My aDvIcE Is yOu jUsT KiCk bAcK AnD MoThErFuCkIn sNaP InTo sOmE RuDe eLiXiR AnD MaYbE GeT YoUr wIcKeD ZoNe oN**

**TC: ThErE I SaId mY PeAcE**

**CA: wwhat the FUCK are you fuckin babblin about**

**TC: SnAtCh aN IcEcOlD, dOg**

**TC: MoThErFuCkIn cHuG ThAt sHiT LiKe yOu aNd tHe bOtTlE WaS ReUnItEd lOvErS**

**CA: are you recommendin a bevverage to me or somethin**

**CA: is that wwhat this is**

**TC: YeAh mAn SlAm A FaYgO**

**CA: i dont havve a fuckin faygo you stupid fuck wwhy wwould i keep that disgusting shit on hand**

**TC: ArE YoU MoThErFuCkIn sUrE AbOuT ThAt?**

**CA: oh**

**CA: oh god youre right i do**

**CA: i totally forgot about it**

**TC: YoU SeE MaN**

**TC: MoThEr**

**TC: FuCkIn**

**TC: MiRaClEs**

**TC: :o)**

Eridan prepared to kick back and motherfuckin' snap into some rude elixir and maybe get his wicked zone on. It sure would be startling if what followed was another one of those "This is stupid!" moments accompanied by an odd, short exclamation.

"Bluh!" Eridan said, but then stopped. What was he thinking? It was just soda. Not great, but not that bad either. What was the big deal? We all needed to settle down here.

Later, Feferi arrived in Sollux's respiteblock and administered the universal remedy for the unawakened. Dream Sollux woke up from the shock of the kiss.

"Bluh," Karkat said, sticking his tongue out at the scene. A sea princess kissing a dead mustard-blooded hacker was something he'd not been looking forward to seaing… he meant seeing. Jack facepalmed.

Gamzee fell over backwards onto one of his horns with a loud "honk." Jack performed a facepalm x2 combo.

"Hey kid," came a voice in Karkat's mind. "Never got a chance to say how much I hate you. Every last one of you."

Spades Slick stood in front of the 12-paneled console, typing at the keyboard in front of him. The keys were covered with red blood from his arm, which had been amputated by his adversary, Snowman. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go back and read the Intermission in Book 2. This is why you don't goddamn skip things!

SS facepalmed at the sight of Karkat watching Feferi kiss Sollux's dead body. "Goddamn troll kids," he said angrily. "Every time you turn around they're smoochin' each other. Makes a man want to stab his own gut and puke blood."

Andrew Hussie (AH) watched Spades watch Karkat watch Feferi kiss Sollux's dead body. Okay, yeah, that's me. I'll talk in first person now, thank you very much. So basically, it is like I am the kid from the Never Ending Story. I was chased by some bullies into this fucking attic and now I am watching people watching people watching more people kissing and stuff basically forever. How many metalayers removed can this story get?

This attic is spooky. Oh, and there's a storm outside, by the way. I wish those bullies would just leave me alone. Later on I am going to ride a long magic dog through the sky and fuck their shit up.

Ugh. This troll paint is making a mess, smearing everywhere. It was such a bad idea to cosplay as Kanaya. She's a character from _my_ story. What kind of an author does that? And these horns are itchy on my head. Yuck.

Suddenly, while I was distracted by his brooding, the story became even more meta.

The reader looked at the book in surprise as suddenly it featured him/her as well! You held your handheld gun (you had a pistolkind abstratus) to your head in your planet in The Medium, the Land of Stumps and Dismay.

You saw that I was employing a daring execution of Authortech - Ladder to Self Indulgence behind his own back. It kept happening.

You made a solemn vow to do an acrobatic fucking pirouette off the stump over there and blow your brains out if it doesn't stop happening.

"Yeah, okay, haha, Hussie," you say. "Now get back to the story, you jackass."

"Excuse me?" I asked in annoyance. I took my horns off and wiped the gray paint off of them with my black shirt that had Kanaya's dark green Virgo symbol on it. "Oh, I'm sorry. Am I not going fast enough for you? Well, _quite frankly_, your majesty, I don't think you realize what kind of hell I've been through. Do you have any idea how long I've been trapped in this attic? Do you have any idea how _fucking scary_ it is in here? Do you have even the _slightest clue_ how many times that wolf head over there has _scared the shit out of me_?"

"Uh… wolf?" you asked, confused. I turned the computer to show a wolf head on a mounted plaque. The lightning from the storm outside illuminated one side of it for a brief second, startling you.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" you yelled. "This is ridiculous," you said. "Let's get back to Sollux and Feferi, or at least Karkat and Jack and Gamzee, or at least Spades Slick!"

"No," I said. "This is _my life_ we're talking about here. Bullies. Wolves. Musty attics. Huge spiders. Did I mention the spiders? Let me tell you, I got _hella_ spiders up in this…" One of the horns fell off of the band that I'd been wearing on my head. "Fuck," I swore. "Dammit. Piece of shit. Wonder if there's any glue in here… oh screw it.

"Do you have any idea how much power I wield over you?" I said, getting back to the point. "To what extent I can RUIN the shit you step in with that squeaky clean sunday loafer you only use the laces for, jamming them in the book to keep track of where you are, day goddamn in and day fucking out? Do you possess even the most infinitesimal kernel of cognizance for the degree to which I can make the shorn, shivering weasel that is the totem spirit representing your wretched fascination with Homestuck squeal in heartrending remorse?

"It would be so easy! I could just snap my gray smudgy fingers _right now_, and make you read all the troll romance exposition all over again. Oh, you don't think I'll do it?"

"Oh my god," you breathed.

The problem with understanding troll romance is that when the subject is broached, our sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable. But we will do our best to understand regardless.

Humans have only one form of romance. And though we consider it a complicated subject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implications for reproduction, it is ultimately a superficial slice of what trolls consider the full body of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, linear concept. A concept usually denoted by a single symbol: **3**

Troll romance is more complicated than that. Troll romance requires four symbols. Their understanding of romance is divided into halves, and halved again, producing four quadrants: the flushed quadrant, the caliginous quadrant, the pale quadrant, and the ashen quadrant.

Each quadrant is grouped by the half they share, whether horizontally or vertically, depending on the overlapping properties one examines. The sharpest dichotomy, from an emotional perspective, is drawn between red romance and black romance.

Red romance, comprised of the flushed and pale quadrants, is a form of romance rooted in strongly positive emotions. Black romance, with its caliginous and ashen quadrants, is rooted in the strongly negative.

On the other hand, the vertical bifurcation has to do with the purpose of the relationship, regardless of the emotions behind it. Those quadrants which are concupiscent, the flushed and caliginous, have to do with facilitating the elaborate reproductive cycle of trolls. Those which are conciliatory, the pale and ashen, would be more closely likened to platonic relationships by human standards.

There are many parallels between human relationships and the various facets of troll romance. Humans have words to describe relationships of a negative nature, or of a platonic nature. The difference is, for humans, those relationships would never be conceptually grouped with romance. Establishing those sort of relationships for humans is not driven by the same primal forces that drive our tendency to couple romantically. But for trolls, those primal forces involve themselves in the full palette of these relationships, red or black, torrid or friendly. Trolls typically feel strongly compelled to find balance in each quadrant, and seek gratifying relationships that each describes.

The challenge is particularly tortuous for young trolls, who must reconcile the wide range of contradictory emotions associated with this matrix, while understanding the nature of their various romantic urges for the first time. Of course, young humans have this challenge too. But for trolls, the challenge is fourfold.

When two individuals find themselves in the flushed quadrant together, they are said to be matesprits. Matespritship is the closest parallel to the human concept of romance trolls have. It plays a role in the trolls' reproductive cycle, just as it does for humans (example: Rose's Mom and John's Dad). This is pretty obvious! Not much more needs to be said about this. Moving right along.

When a pair of adversaries delve into the caliginous quadrant, they become each other's kismesis. As one of the concupiscent quadrants, it plays a role in procreation as well. There is no particularly good human translation for this concept. The closest would be an especially potent arch-rivalry.

For instance, human players would never be able to adequately diagnose the relationship between the Black Queen and her Archagent, Jack Noir. But troll players could immediately place it as a dead ringer for kismesissitude. They would think we were all pretty stupid for not getting it. And they would be right. The symbol for this quadrant is the spade: .

Trolls have a complicated reproductive cycle. It's probably best not to examine it in much detail.

The need to seek out concupiscent partners comes with more urgency than typical reproductive instincts. When the Imperial Drone comes knocking, you had better be able to supply genetic material to each of his filial pails. If you have nothing to offer, he will kill you without hesitation.

The genetic material - _without going into much detail_ \- is a combinative genetic mix from the matesprit and kismesis pairs, respectively. The pails are all offered to the mother grub, who can only receive such precombined material. She then combines all of it into one incestuous slurry, and begins her brooding.

This doesn't mean the initial combination was for naught, however. In the slurry, more dominant genes rise to the fore, while the more recessive find less representation in the brood. Especially strong matesprit and kismesis pairings yield more dominant genetic material. The more powerful the complement or potent the rivalry, the more dominant the genes.

Troll reproduction sure is weird. We all take a moment to lament how pedestrian the human reproductive system is, and further lament that the phrase "incestuous slurry" is not a feature of common parlance in human civilization.

The ashen quadrant involves a particular type of three-way relationship of a black romantic nature. Falling on the conciliatory side, it has no bearing on the reproductive cycle, except for indirect ramifications.

When two trolls are locked in a feud or some otherwise contentious relationship, one can intervene and become their auspistice. The auspistice mediates between the two, playing the role of a peace keeper, preventing the feud from boiling over into a fully caliginous rivalry.

Since such lesser feuds are quite common among trolls, there is a significant need for auspisticing parties. Without them, too many ashen feuds would become caliginous, and begin to conflict with other exclusive kismesis relationships, leading to a great deal of social complexity and sore feelings (even more so than black romance usually involves). Without auspisticism, the result would be widespread black infidelity.

An example of an auspistitude is Kanaya mediating between Tavros and Vriska. Its symbol is the club, which has three spokes, one at the top for the auspistice and the two below for the feuding trolls: .

The relationships each quadrant describes tend to be malleable, if not volatile, especially on the concupiscent half where more torrid emotions reside. It doesn't take much to flip a switch and transmute blackrom feelings to redrom, and vice versa.

In many cases, one party will have red feelings while the other has black. But it will often be the case that one party's feelings will swap to match the other's, since there is no quadrant which naturally accommodates such a disparity. But thereafter, it's not uncommon for the two to toggle between red and black in unison now and then. These scenarios naturally result in both red and black infidelities.

This sort of relationship volatility is why conciliatory relationships are an important part of troll romance. An example of this volatility is Equius and Aradia switching between being matesprits and kismesises.

An auspistice can stabilize particularly turbulent relationships. If the auspistice fails to mediate properly, or has no interest in the role, or perhaps has different romantic intentions him/herself altogether, then the relationship often quickly deteriorates into one of an especially hostile and torrid nature. There are many outside factors and influences tugging and pulling these relationships in different directions, and unlike humans who have very orderly, simple, straightforward romantic relationships without exception, trolls exist in a state of almost perpetual confusion and generally have no idea what the hell is going on.

Being confused by troll relationships is one thing we do have in common though. An example of this insanity is Vriska and Tavros switching between being matesprits and kismesises and then Kanaya mediating between the two of them and stabilizing the relationship, unless Kanaya isn't paying attention.

The pale quadrant presides over moirallegiance, the other conciliatory relationship. A reasonable human translation would be the concept of a soul mate, but in a more platonic sense, and with a more specific social purpose.

Trolls are a very angry and violent race. Some are more hot-tempered and dangerous than others, to the extent that if left to their own devices, they would present a serious threat to society, or even to themselves. Such trolls will have an instinctive pale attraction to a more even-tempered troll, who may become their moirail. The moirail is obliged to pacify the other, to function as the better half. The two partners in a strong pale relationship will serve to balance and complement each other's emotional profiles, and thus allow their other relationships to be more successful. The symbol for moirallegiance is that of a diamond: .

It's often ambiguous especially among young trolls whether a bond formed between an acquaintance is true moirallegiance, or the usual variety of platonic involvement. Furthermore, romantic intentions of a more flushed nature can often be mistaken for paler leanings, much to the frustration of the suitor.

But some pale pairings, as the one between Nepeta and Equius, will be strikingly obvious to all who know them.

And yet others will seem to have been hatched for each other, such as the mysterious trolls **caligulasAquarium** and **cuttlefishCuller**, whom we will now examine and know the names of… well, after a bit more troll romance exposition. I'm going to switch out of present tense now though.

So, let's see… the two trolls we have yet to meet were in a moirallegiance, clearly (they seemed to be hatched for each other) and Kanaya resided over Tavros and Vriska as an auspistice, although sometimes it switched such that Kanaya and Vriska were in a moirallegiance, and sometimes Kanaya and **CA** would have flushed feelings for their moirallegiance partner, and sometimes sometimes Vriska and **CA** would get locked in a kismesissitude, and then sometimes Kanaya would intervene as an auspistice, and sometimes Tavros and Vriska would switch back and forth between kismesises and matesprits and Kanaya would be their auspistice and the whole cycle would repeat with those five trolls.

See the above paragraph? This was the romantic dynamics of five of the twelve trolls. Now imagine what it would have been like had I explained all pairings and auspiticisms between vicious trolls and crazy matesprit-kismesis fluctuations and moirallegiances with one partner wanting to change it to a matespritship and… see what I mean? Trolls. Romance. It would take a good chapter to describe all twelve trolls and their romantic tendencies. Maybe even a whole book! So let's not dwell on that.

Later, our troll hero Karkat would try to explain this to our human hero John, attempting to convey all the nuance of troll romance through a nearly verbatim recitation of this chapter. He would try to describe how rich and textured the troll romantic comedies were compared to the one dimensional schlock of our human cinematic counterparts. He would barely scratch the surface of Troll Will Smith's virtuosity with the delicate lattice of troll romance, as he would assist the bumbling fudge-blooded Troll Kevin James through the interwoven minefield-briarpatch of redrom and blackrom entanglements, all the while sifting through his own prickly romantic situation and ultimately learning the true meaning of hate and pity. But would they succeed before the imperial drone came knocking with his thirsty pails at the ready? Yes, they would.

John didn't understand any of this because he was a moron, and he wouldn't shut up about his awful bullshit Earth movies. He would just go on and on and on about that garbage. But if there was one theme to be hammered through his thick skull, it would be the trolls' cultural preoccupation with romantic destiny. Yes, the romantic landscape was rife with false starts and miscues and infidelities, red and black. But every troll believed strongly that each quadrant held one and only one true pairing for them, and it was just a matter of time before the grid is filled with auspicious matchups through the mysterious channels of troll serendipity.

In short, their belief was that for each quadrant there existed a pair or triad of trolls somewhere in the cosmos that were…

Made for each other.

"Wow," you said softly.

I threw Cal up into the air and spiked him downward. "Booyeah! That's what just happened, bitch!"

"Alright, now you're _definitely_ trolling us," you said, exasperated. "Come on!"

I replied with a simple:

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!**

"Okay, I'm done," I said. "Recap then?"

"Nah," you said. "I think we're good for now."

"Yeah, okay," I said, sitting back at my keyboard, which was covered in gray paint smudges. "I guess I've trolled you guys enough. Where were we? Oh yeah, Slick." I flexed my fingers and got back to work.


	67. Book 5 Chapter 4: Team Adorabloodthirsty

Chapter 4: Team Adorabloodthirsty

Slick pressed the ⇒ button on the keyboard. It was bad enough he'd had to watch this broad smooch a corpse and this kid bawl his eyes out already, even if it was centuries ago.

The screen displayed an error message. "== INVALID SYNTAX," it said. Oh for the love of… why would someone even _design_ a button like that if it didn't print the right advancement characters? He really was tired of mashing the "=" key. He did so anyway, typing "= = = =" and then pounding the button angrily with his bloody fist. It only accepted the NEXT command if there were 6 arrow keys, because for some reason, everything was about the number 612. 6-sweep-old kids. There were 12 of them. Blah blah blah so on and so forth. Like the first three books and their fascination with 413. Did you not notice that? You should have.

Sollux, wearing his purple moon pajamas, floated out of his tower on Derse. This moon was different. It was very… purple. And quiet. It didn't look like anyone here was awake yet.

This moon wasn't like the yellow moon he'd just been dreaming about. Plenty of friends there, all up and about, making a racket. It had been fun for a while. Until he'd woken up with honey in his mouth, killed his lusus, saved a princess, and died. Luckily he had a couple of lives to spare. Most players only got one extra, but he was kind of a special case, what with his four horns and red-and-blue bifurcation and such.

"BOY," came a voice.

"Huh?" Sollux said, looking around for the source.

"YOU THERE. RED AND BLUE EYE BOY." Clubs Deuce stepped out from the shadows and looked at Sollux.

"I REMEMBER THIS!" said the voice. Sollux wasn't directly conscious of the voice. He didn't realize that the voice was of the black carapacian before him from the future. "I DID NOT GET THE CHANCE TO FORMALLY GREET YOU. I SUSPECT THIS IS WHAT MADE YOU ANGRY. BUT WORRY NOT. I HAVE BEEN BRUSHING UP ON YOUR 'TROLL ETIQUETTE'. PARDON ME WHILE I CONSULT THE APPROPRIATE PAGES. IT WILL ONLY BE A MOMENT. THIS BOOK IS VERY THICK!" Just what Sollux needed. Another voice of the imminently deceased invading his head. Hadn't they caused him enough trouble already?

"Get iit out!" he said, gritting his pointy teeth. His eyes crackled with red and blue electrical energy.

"HMM," the voice said. "TROLL ETIQUETTE SURE IS CONFUSING."

"GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT GET IIT OUT," he yelled again.

"OH JEEZ," Deuce said as the console he was next to shook with red and blue energy. The book on troll etiquette flew out of the Exile's hand. There was an explosion.

Dream Sollux had wasted enough time on sleeping and dying. He had got to get back to adventurin' while the adventurin' was good. And also change out of these stupid pajamas. He blasted off from Derse with a loud "**PCH****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O**," multicolored swirls of light following him.

The revived Mage of Doom returned to the Land of Brains and Fire for a surprise rendezvous with the Witch of Life. The Witch looked up with a surprised expression as Sollux appeared before her. She was in the middle of prodding culling one of the brains from the land. In fact, there were a fair amount of brains lying around the Alchemiter. He saw his own dead body below him. What the heck was going on in here?

Somewhere on LOMAT (Land of Maps and Treasure), the Thief and the Page plundered the untold riches of innumerable pointless side-quests. Vriska came upon a treasure chest in the strange rope ladder system beneath her hive and opened it to reveal a whole stash of boonbucks. She picked up a couple of them, eyes gleaming. Tavros put his hands on his face in shock, dropping his jaw. That was a lot of cash right there.

The Thief was proving useless. Completely unresponsive to commands. The 8th exile watching her on the screen needed to rely on someone else. Someone less stubborn. Someone craftier. The 8th exile typed "⇒ SWITCH 2" and the screen with Vriska and the Page shut off. Another image popped on. It was the Seer.

While the Knight of Blood charged ahead through the gates, the Seer of Mind remained behind to unravel the mysteries of the Land of Thought and Flow.

"Seer," came a voice. "It is time." Terezi had been wondering when she'd come back. This time she was ready for her.

She searched for the card containing her chalk through her scratch and sniff modus. The card would be unmistakable. It was the one that smelled like a fruity rainbow that made her sneeze. She found it and took out a piece of red chalk. **T1M3 FOR WH4T?** she inquired of the exile, writing it on a red stone.

"To begin your mission," the voice answered.

**WH4T M1SS1ON :?** she wrote.

"You must eliminate the archagent," it said. Terezi raised her eyebrows in surprise.

The narrative shifted to Nepeta, who was surely adventurin' by now. As a matter of fact, it did appear that the Rogue of Heart had been keeping herself busy. She stood in the Land of Little Cubes and Tea, claws outstretched towards a nearby two-headed ogre. The ogre had crab pincers, large purple wings, and two heads, one of which was frog-like. They shared two giant horns that extended to either side and then pointed upwards, like a bull's.

Nepeta tore the ogre's heads off, claws tearing through their flesh as if it had been made of cotton. She collected the dropped grist and turned to see Equius standing behind her.

"Saccharine disposition! :33" She said with a grin, nodding towards the ground, which was made of sugar cubes. She then leaped onto him with a pouncegreet and a tackleslide, sending cubes flying everywhere. When they had stopped, Nepeta climbed off of her moirail and inquired into the whereabouts of the Maid of Time. The Heir of Void had no idea where she'd gone! She'd just disappeared, he said.

Equius stood to begin his adventurin' with Nepeta and saw a giant tentacled mother grub crab creature stalking along far away. The ground shook slightly beneath them even though they had to be a good ten miles away or so. Yeah. The underlings had been getting enormous lately. Probably due to something one of those other clowns had prototyped.

Oh, and speaking of clowns, one was trolling him now. Karkat. Actually, the message did not appear to be directed at him specifically. The ever-grumpy Vantas had just updated one of the many memos on the transtimeline bulletin board he'd set up a while ago. Equius had since no longer bothered keeping up with the endless and mostly incomprehensible communique. But while checking the update, he couldn't help but skim through the first memo in the long sequence, which had been written hours ago from his present perspective.

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **6:12 HOURS AGO opened public transtimeline bulletin board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**PCG** **6:12 HOURS AGO opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**PCG: OK I THINK I SET THIS UP RIGHT.**

**PCG: FUCK I SHOULD HAVE COME UP WITH A BETTER BOARD NAME.**

**PCG: BUT I GUESS THAT'S THE NAME IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SINCE THAT'S THE NAME THAT**

**PCG: UH**

**PCG: I ALREADY READ.**

**PCG: WOW THAT PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYBODY.**

**PCG: WHATEVER, IT'S JUST A STUPID NAME, LET'S JUST DO THIS.**

**PCG: THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN USING TROLLIAN'S WEIRD TRANSTIMELINE FEATURES WHICH I DON'T EVEN REALLY UNDERSTAND YET.**

**PCG: BUT I'M GUESSING MIGHT BE USEFUL.**

**PCG: I'VE INCLUDED ALL TWELVE PLAYERS IN THE SUBSCRIPTION LIST SO YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO READ THESE MEMOS AT ANY TIME.**

**PCG: THAT IS, ALL THE MEMOS POSTED, PAST AND FUTURE. I THINK.**

**PCG: IT COULD GET PRETTY TEMPORALLY CONFUSING OBVIOUSLY. I'M GOING TO TRY TO KEEP THE MEMOS AS SIMPLE AND LINEAR AS POSSIBLE.**

**PCG: ALSO LET'S KEEP THIS A ONE-WAY-ONLY BULLETIN TO MAKE THIS AS SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE.**

**PCG: DO NOT REPLY TO MY MEMOS! THIS IS NOT A FUCKING CHATROOM, ASSHOLES.**

**PCG: IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME IN RESPONSE TO A MEMO, MESSAGE ME IN PRIVATE AT THE APPROPRIATE POINT ON THE TIMELINE.**

**PCG: FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS ABOUT THE TEAMS.**

**PCG: AS OF NOW, YOU SHOULD ALL BE AWARE THAT THERE IS REALLY ONLY ONE TEAM, AND WE ARE ALL WORKING TOGETHER.**

**PCG: AND BY "NOW" I MEAN TIME LOCAL TO ME AS OF WRITING THIS.**

**PCG: SO IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE PAST...**

**PCG: UH OK FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS FEATURE ALREADY? SECOND WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME.**

**PCG: WHATEVER I DIGRESS.**

**PCG: IF YOU'RE READING THIS IN THE FUTURE THEN WHO CARES, IT'S PROBABLY OLD NEWS TO YOU.**

**PCG: ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT READING THIS IN THE FUTURE?**

**PCG: IT'S LIKE ANY BULLETIN BOARD, YOU POST STUFF AND IT SITS THERE FOR A WHILE AND PEOPLE IN "THE FUTURE" READ IT.**

**PCG: HUH. BIG FUCKING DEAL I GUESS.**

**PAST gallowsCalibrator [PGC]** **5:51 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PGC: OH MY GOD K4RK4T!**

**PGC: WHO C4R3S! :O**

**PCG** **banned ****PGC** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG: ANYWAY LIKE I WAS SAYING.**

**PCG: ONE BIG TEAM, OVER WHICH I HAVE ASSUMED TOTAL LEADERSHIP.**

**PCG: I WILL ASSUME THAT IT WILL CONTINUE TO STAY THIS WAY FOR THE DURATION OF OUR QUEST, AND THAT I WILL REMAIN AN IMPECCABLE LEADER FOR A SPAN OF HUNDREDS OF HOURS WHILE I GUIDE US ALL TO A STUNNING VICTORY.**

**PCG: IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN NEED TO ASSUME.**

**PCG: I BROWSED THROUGH THIS WHOLE BULLETIN IN ADVANCE, AND IT DOES APPEAR TO BE THE CASE. GO ME.**

**PCG: IN FACT, SINCE I'VE SEEN WHAT I WILL WRITE IN THE FUTURE, I WONDER WHAT IMPETUS I WILL HAVE FOR WRITING IT LATER WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO?**

**PCG: I WONDER IF I COULD JUST COPY/PASTE IT... HOLD ON.**

**PCG: DAMN.**

**PCG: I GUESS THEY THOUGHT OF THAT? I DUNNO. I TRIED TO LOOK AT THE WHOLE BULLETIN AGAIN, BUT NOW THAT I'VE OPENED THIS ONE FROM THE BEGINNING, I CAN'T SEE THE WHOLE THING ANYMORE.**

**PCG: UNLESS I LOOK AT IT ON ONE OF YOUR COMPUTERS...**

**PCG: OR MAYBE IF YOU SEND ME LIKE A TEXT FILE OF IT? WOULD THAT CAUSE A PARADOX OR SOMETHING?**

**PCG: YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS SO STUPID.**

**PCG: I ACTUALLY REMEMBER READING ALL THIS SHIT LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO, AND NOW HERE I AM TYPING IT ANYWAY.**

**PCG: I PROBABLY CAN'T AVOID TYPING ANY OF THIS, HOW WEIRD IS THAT.**

**PCG: I HATE TIME TRAVEL.**

**PAST twinArmageddons [PTA]** **0:34 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PTA: eheheheheh KK iim ba2iically ju2t lmao here at thii2, WOW.**

**PCG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARE YOU PEOPLE RETARDED.**

**PTA: dude don't worry ii wont fuck up your memo for long, ii ju2t cant beliieve thii2 wa2 the biig rea2on you wanted "future me" two help you open tho2e port2.**

**PTA: two ba2iically ju2t babble about paradoxe2 and argue wiith your2elf for hundred2 of page2 heheheh.**

**PCG: OK SO YOU'RE SAYING THIS FROM LIKE 5 HOURS IN THE FUTURE JUST TO GIVE ME A HARD TIME, NICE.**

**PCG: WELL THANKS FOR THE HELP, SO WHEN DO I BAN YOU, FUTURE BOY?**

**PTA: a few liine2 down, after ii pretend liike iim goiing two diie.**

**PTA: iim 2ure for a laugh on account of my iimmiinent banniing, FUCK how could you even do that two me.**

**PTA: 2o cold man.**

**PCG: ARE YOU REALLY STILL SORE AT ME FIVE HOURS LATER FOR RUNNING THAT VIRUS, GOD DAMN GET OVER IT.**

**PCG: IT WAS YOUR FUCKING VIRUS ANYWAY, YOU'RE TO BLAME.**

**PTA: eheh no bro we're cool about that, now future you ii2 connectiing wiith me 2o ii can enter the game.**

**PCG: OH YEAH?**

**PTA: yeah 2o thank2 for that fiive hour2 iin advance.**

**PCG: THIS IS BS ISN'T IT.**

**PCG: TROLLING ME FROM THE FUTURE, HOW JUVENILE CAN YOU GET.**

**PTA: no man iit2 true, we are bulge bumpiing pupa pal2 agaiin.**

**PCG: OH FUCK THIS CONDESCENDING FUTURE KNOWITALL ACT, WE AREN'T BUMPING SHIT, YOU ARE SO BANNED.**

**PTA: nooooooo, not the ban, it buuuuuuurn2, oh god hahahaha.**

**PTA: waiit.**

**PTA: oh god.**

**PTA: iit doe2 burn.**

**PTA: 2omethiing'2 wrong, iim 2eriiou2!**

**PTA: that horriible p2ychiic noii2e**

**PTA: the voiice2**

**PTA: they're all goiing two diie**

**PTA: oh 2HiiT iim bleediing**

**PTA: 2hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit**

**PTA: thii2 ii2 bad**

**PTA: ii have two get her iin quiick**

**PTA: got two go**

**PCG** **banned ****PTA** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG: AND SO THE PORCINE HOOF BELONGING TO THE SWOLLEN HAG KNOWN AS LADY DESTINY HAS STOMPED ANOTHER THROAT.**

**PCG: WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS NEXT?**

**PCG: NOBODY?**

**PCG: OK, GOOD.**

**PCG: ALTHOUGH I'M FAIRLY SURE I REMEMBER SOMEONE ELSE CHIMING IN BEFORE I CLOSED THIS MEMO.**

**PCG: YOU ADD DISORDERED SHIT RINSERS CAN'T KEEP YOUR LASCIVIOUS PRONGS OUT OF THE ROE HOLE, CAN YOU.**

**PCG: SOLLUX, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, OR PAST REFERENCE OR WHATEVER**

**PCG: IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT KIND OF ROLEPLAYING, YOU CAN START YOUR OWN BULLETIN.**

**PCG: YOU CAN ALL ACT LIKE BRAINDEAD ASSWIPES IN YOUR OWN FESTERING FLAP OF PARADOX SPACE, FINE WITH ME.**

**PCG: EVERYONE WILL BE SO CONFUSED BY THE TIME PARADOXES, IT WILL DISTRACT THEM FROM HOW AWFUL THEIR TERRIBLE HOBBIES ARE.**

**PCG: CHOOSE YOUR CLASSES NOW! LEVEL 69 NOOKSNIFFER IS UP FOR GRABS, WHO WANTS IT.**

**PCG: NO THAT'S NOT AN INVITATION FOR YOU FUCKING NERDS TO COME IN HERE AND CORRECT ME ON YOUR GODDAMN FAIRY ELVES.**

**PCG: JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND KEEP ME BANNED FROM THAT ONE OK.**

**PCG: I'LL RETURN THE FAVOR IF YOU NERD UP MY MEMOS, I SERIOUSLY CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY FUCKING NERDS ARE ON THIS TEAM.**

**PCG: JUST REMEMBER THIS IS MY PERSONAL PODIUM, A STUMP IF YOU WILL, FOR SOLE USE BY ME AS LEADER FOR IMPORTANT LEADERSHIP BUSINESS.**

**PCG: GOT IT?**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **612 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: GROAN.**

**FCG: THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.**

**FCG: WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING.**

**PCG: STFU!**

**PCG** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG: OK, I'M FED UP WITH THIS MEMO, GONNA CLOSE IT OUT.**

**PCG: YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN LATER WHEN I GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY, I.E. JUST SCROLL DOWN YOU DOUCHE.**

**PCG: IT'S ALL RIGHT THERE ALREADY.**

**PCG: BECAUSE OF**

**PCG: TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEL!**

**PCG: I KNOW, RIGHT?**

**PCG: ANYWAY, JUST TO REITERATE:**

**PCG: FULL STEAM AHEAD**

**PCG: LEADER = ME FOREVER, OBVIOUSLY**

**PCG: PEACE THE FUCK OUT DBAGS**

**CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCT: D - I'd like to add to this useless memorandum**

**CCT: D - That I still don't recognize the validity of your leadership**

**PCG: SWEET MOTHER GRUB'S OOZING VESTIGIAL THIRD ORAL SPHINCTER.**

**PCG: HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE SO STUPID.**

**CCT: D - It may be true that we are all playing in the same session, but I see no reason to disband the former power structure**

**CCT: D - Especially if it means instituting a tactical midget with a short fuse, a foul mouth, and paralyzing insecurity over the color of his b100d**

**CCT: D - That's all I have to say**

**PCG: OH I HAVE A SHORT FUSE! THAT'S VERY FUNNY, YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR ME LAUGH OVER THE SOUND OF THE ROBOT YOU ARE PROBABLY BEATING TO DEATH.**

**PCG: OR DOING WORSE TO.**

**PCG: HEY, YOU DO KISS YOUR ROBOTS, RIGHT?**

**CCT: D - Uh**

**PCG: MIGHT AS WELL CLEAR THE AIR AS LONG AS WE'RE BROADCASTING THIS ACROSS THE ENTIRE SPACETIME CONTINUUM.**

**CCT: D - Not usually**

**PCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

**PCG: THE FUNNY THING IS IN THE FUTURE EVERYONE WILL RECOGNIZE ME AS THE UNDISPUTED LEADER, EVEN YOU.**

**PCG: YOU WILL BE STANDING ON THE TIPPYTOES OF YOUR IDIOTIC METAL SHOES, TAKING DELICATE PURCHASE OF MY NUBBY HORNS AND HOISTING YOURSELF OVER MY HEAD TO PUT YOUR SWEATIEST TOUGH GUY SMOOCH UPON MY TWITCHING SPINE LUMP.**

**PCG: IT WILL BE TENDER AND DEFERENTIAL, LIKE A PAUPER KISSING A NOBLE'S RING.**

**PCG: JUST SCROLL DOWN, READ THE LOGS.**

**CCT: D - Nowhere have I seen evidence of this**

**CCT: D - Most of this is you from various points in time raving about nonsense and arguing with yourself**

**CCT: D - Do you realize that here in the future, this bulletin has come to be regarded as something of a joke**

**CCT: D - A lengthy piece of comedy, often quoted amongst ourselves in private moments of levity**

**CCT: D - It seems I'm the one to inform you of this up front**

**CCT: D - Which is likely why you persist with the ingratiating charade against better judgement**

**PCG: YOU'RE GETTING OFF ON THIS AREN'T YOU**

**CCT: D - What do you mean**

**PCG: THIS EXCITES YOU, BEING THE TOUGH GUY AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU'RE PUTTING THE AWESOME LEADER IN HIS PLACE.**

**PCG: YOU'RE PROBABLY WORKING UP A GOOD SWEAT.**

**PCG: HOPE YOU ALCHEMIZED A BUNCH OF SPARE TOWELS.**

**PCG: HEY WHY DON'T YOU &amp;&amp; THEM WITH YOUR SPONGEY BRAIN FOR EXTRA ABSORBENCY.**

**CCT: D - How do you know about my perspiration problem**

**CCT: D - I mean, aside from reading about it in this memo**

**CCT: D - Wait**

**CCT: D - Fudgesicles**

**PCG** **banned ****CCT** **from responding to memo. **

**PCG** **closed memo. **


	68. Book 5 Chapter 5: Memos and Exiles

Chapter 5: Memos and Exiles

Terezi had conversed with the 8th exile for a good while now. The last thing she'd written had been in light blue.

"Why are you writing in blue," the voice had said.

**B3C4US3 1 DONT W4NT TO RUN OUT OF R3D :[**

"Why?"

**B3C4US3! R3D 1S TH3 B3ST 4ND T4ST3S TH3 B3ST!**

**3**

"You are a strange and funny girl," the voice had said. Terezi held the piece of red chalk reverently.

Karkat sat in a temple with diagrams of turtles on the walls. A turtle puzzle lay behind him, the pieces scattered. Jack Noir stood behind him, holding a torch that blazed with a bright blue fire. The grumpy troll typed away in a memo he'd just created.

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**CCG: THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO START A NEW MEMO.**

**CCG: IN FACT IT'S A BETTER TIME THAN ANY BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LAWS OF CHAT CLIENT PREDESTINATION I DON'T REALLY HAVE A CHOICE DO I.**

**CCG: FUCK.**

**CCG: IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S STILL A GOOD TIME TO DO IT.**

**CCG: PEOPLE, WE NEED TO GET ORGANIZED HERE.**

**CCG: SHIT IS GETTING SERIOUS.**

**CCG: WE ARE ABOUT TO EMBARK ON OPERATION REGISURP, A CUNNING PLAN DEVISED BY DOUBLE ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR TO EXILE THE BLACK QUEEN.**

**CCG: WE WILL NEED ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR THIS, EVEN THE IDIOTS.**

**CCG: AND ONCE AGAIN, A REMINDER**

**CCG: DO NOT TROLL ME IN THESE MEMOS FROM ANY POINT IN TIME OR IT'S AN INSTA-BAN.**

**CCG: ALSO A NOTE TO MY FUTURE SELF**

**CCG: IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING SMUG, DO ME A FAVOR AND SHOVE A THROB STALK IN IT.**

**CCG: JUST SIT THERE PATIENTLY AND WAIT FOR ME TO BECOME YOU IN THE DUE COURSE OF TIME, THUS IMPROVING YOUR INTELLECT DRASTICALLY.**

**CCG: OR, INTELLECTS PLURAL.**

**CCG: I FORGOT, THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU FUCKERS OUT THERE.**

**CCG: ALL OF YOU, JUST ZIP YOUR CHUTES. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, LIKE THERE'S NOTHING BETTER TO DO IN THE FUTURE?**

**CCG: IT'S THE FUTURE FOR GOD'S SAKE, A REALM OF ENDLESS FUCKING POSSIBILITIES.**

**CCG: NOW**

**CCG: BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S TAKE A TOLL OF THE SITUATION AT THIS POINT IN TIME.**

**CCG: *MY* POINT IN TIME.**

**CCG: WHO'S IN SO FAR, WHO'S NOT, ETCETERA.**

**FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA]** **3:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCA: hey sorry for bustin in on the memo but i cant get ahold of you youre not answwerin**

**CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.**

**FCA: gams advvice is fuckin useless all he told me wwas to enjoy a bevverage**

**CCG: NO, DUDE, DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. IF IT WERE UP TO HIM WE WOULD ALL DRINK FAYGO AT ONCE IN SOME RITUALISTIC RAP CLOWN SUICIDE PACT.**

**CCG: BUT INSTEAD OF COMMITTING SUICIDE THE THING THAT WE ALL ACCOMPLISH IS BECOMING INSTANTANEOUS ASSHOLES WITH AWFUL TASTE.**

**FCA: i mean**

**FCA: its not evven that bad**

**FCA: its just soda but wwhatevver this isnt the point**

**CCG: THIS ISN'T THE VENUE FOR AIRING YOUR FUTURE PROBLEMS, COUNT SEA DIPSHIT.**

**FCA: i knoww i knoww**

**FCA: its just**

**FCA: i got a problem**

**FCA: wwith feferi**

**FCA: and im really kinda sittin here in bad shape about it emotionally speakin**

**CCG: OK, WELL**

**CCG: I GET THAT, I HEAR YOU BRO**

**CCG: BUT THIS IS STILL NOT THE RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS SO I'VE GOT TO BAN YOU.**

**CCG** **banned ****FCA** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: BUT SERIOUSLY JUST GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN PRIVATE ABOUT IT, OK MAN?**

**CCG: WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT.**

**CCG: OK.**

**CCG: IS EVERYBODY GOOD?**

**CCG: JUST GONNA SIT HERE FOR A MINUTE, LOCAL TIME, AND SEE IF ANYONE ELSE HAS ANY SHIT THEY WANT TO SCRAPE OFF THEIR BULGE ON TO MY CLEAN NUTRITION PLATEAU.**

**CCG: NOBODY?**

**CCG: GREAT, WONDERFUL.**

**CCG: I NOW OFFICIALLY DECLARE THE NONSENSE PORTION OF THIS MEMO TO BE OVER.**

**CCG: THIS DECREE SHALL BE BINDING AND LASTING.**

**CCG: BACK TO PLANNING REGISURP.**

**CCG: BEAR DOWN EVERYBODY, THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT, THERE IS A QUEEN ON THE LOOSE AND WE'VE GOT TO SHOW A BITCH THE DOOR.**

**FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG]** **609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FAG: ::::D**

**CCG: UN BE FUCKING LIEVABLE.**

**FAG: Kaaaaaaaarkat!**

**FAG: I'm sorry!**

**FAG: 8ut do you have any idea how funny this thing is? I mean this whole thing? I can't stop laughing!**

**CCG: HEY CAN FUTURE YOU MIND-PREVENT ME FROM HITTING THE BAN BUTTON?**

**CCG: I'M GENUINELY CURIOUS! GO AHEAD, TRY TO STOP ME I DARE YOU.**

**FAG: I'm not going to try, I'm just here to say this whole thing is ridiculous.**

**FAG: We didn't really need you to pretend to 8e a little angry general to get any of this done.**

**FAG: We kicked the queen out of there no sweat! It was easy. In fact, I did most of the work myself, right 8efore I found all the treasure and scaled all the rungs.**

**CCG: OH, ALL OF THEM YOU SAY?**

**CCG: FASCINATING.**

**CCG: HEY FORGET THE BAN BUTTON, USE YOUR MIND POWERS TO HELP ME LOCATE THE DESPERATELY ATTEMPT TO GIVE A SHIT BUTTON. WHOOPS WE BOTH FAILED, IT DOESN'T EXIST.**

**FAG: Hey, I'm gone. I just think you should relax.**

**FAG: You were wound up so tight through the whole adventure, and now here in the present you're a8out to explode. It's insuffera8le!**

**CCG: EVERYBODY, DID YOU HEAR THAT? SUPERFUTURE VRISKA HAS AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON FOR US ALL.**

**CCG: WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OUR PRESENT RESPONSIBILIES AND OBLIGATIONS!**

**CCG: BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT, IN THE FUTURE ALL THAT STUFF ALREADY HAPPENED. WE'RE OFF THE FUCKING HOOK!**

**CCG: TIME TO RELAX. LET'S ALL CRAWL INTO OUR COCOONS AND GET BUSY STIMULATING OUR AUTOEROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES.**

**CCG: FIRST ONE TO START A WANK FIRE GETS A SHINY BOONDOLLAR.**

**CCG: THIS IS AN ORDER FROM YOUR LEADER.**

**FAG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

**CCG** **banned ****FAG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: LATER, FAG.**

**CCG: TOO BAD THE ACRONYM WASN'T "HAG" INSTEAD, IT WOULD HAVE SUITED YOU MUCH BETTER.**

**CCG: INSTEAD OF THAT NONSENSE WORD**

**CCG: MAYBE ITS ASSOCIATION WITH YOU WILL COLLOQUIALLY CAUSE IT TO TAKE ON A NEGATIVE CONNOTATION, WHAT DO YOU THINK?**

**CCG: MAYBE FAG WILL BE "THE NEW BURN!" EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY MEANS NOTHING IN OUR LANGUAGE.**

**CCG: I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS STUPID, FORGET IT**

**CCG: OK I'M RAMBLING HERE, I'M AWARE OF THAT.**

**CCG: FUTURE ME, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE WEIGH IN ON THIS, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.**

**CCG: IF I WERE FUTURE ME, WHICH I GUESS I AM, I WOULD READ THIS AND BE ALL OVER IT, LIKE DAMMIT KARKAT WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.**

**CCG: GET TO THE POINT.**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **0:20 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: YEAH PRETTY MUCH.**

**CCG** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: SO I'M SAYING IT TO MYSELF ALREADY HERE AND NOW, SO I WON'T HAVE TO LATER, GOT IT YOU TRENCHANT BACKBITING PRICKS?**

**CCG: DAMN, I'M LOSING MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT.**

**CCG: MAYBE I'LL PICK IT UP AGAIN IN A FRESH MEMO LATER.**

**CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S RIGHT THOUGH, BECAUSE I VAGUELY REMEMBER THIS ONE BEING LONGER THAN THIS.**

**PAST adiosToreador [PAT]** **0:38 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PAT: hEYY,**

**CCG: OH SON OF A BITCH.**

**PAT: i THOUGHT,**

**PAT: sINCE IT LOOKS LIKE, yOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE OUT OF IMPORTANT MEMO STUFF TO SAY,**

**PAT: uHH,**

**PAT: mAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME, hERE,**

**PAT: sINCE i DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE NOW, bUT MAYBE HELP ME,**

**PAT: aBOUT A THING THAT HAS TO DO WITH A GIRL,**

**PAT: lIKE,**

**PAT: a ROMANCE THING, yOU MIGHT KNOW ABOUT,**

**CCG: YOU PEOPLE ARE IMBECILES.**

**CCG: ALL OF YOU.**

**CCG: I AM NOT POSTING THESE MEMOS TO COUNSEL YOU ON YOUR PAST AND FUTURE DATING PROBLEMS!**

**CCG: WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH BASKET CASES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE.**

**PAT: sORRY,**

**CCG: SHOULD I BAN YOU? WHAT'S EVEN THE POINT ANYMORE! ONE OF YOU STOOGES WILL BE RIGHT ON THE LAST ONES HEELS WITH ANOTHER SOB STORY.**

**CCG: JUST**

**CCG: HURRY UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS BRO.**

**PAT: oKAY,**

**PAT: i'M SORT OF, lYING ON vRISKA'S FLOOR RIGHT NOW,**

**PAT: lIKE, iN HER BLOCK,**

**PAT: lYING DOWN,**

**PAT: uHH, yOU KNOW, bECAUSE i CAN'T WALK,**

**CCG: OH NO SHIT REALLY?**

**CCG: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.**

**PAT: uH, yEAH, aNYWAY,**

**PAT: sHE TRIED TO KISS ME,**

**PAT: wELL, sHE DIDN'T TRY, sHE ACTUALLY DID,**

**PAT: aND THEN, kIND OF DROPPED ME,**

**PAT: aND ALSO WE ARE WEARING COSTUMES,**

**PAT: wOW, i'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS WELL,**

**CCG: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP, WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO.**

**PAT: aND NOW, tO MAKE IT,**

**PAT: uHHHHH,**

**PAT: a LOT WEIRDER,**

**PAT: tHERE IS AN ANGRY VOICE IN MY HEAD,**

**PAT: i DONT THINK IT'S rUFIO THIS TIME,**

**PAT: rUFIO'S NOT THAT ANGRY,**

**PAT: hE'S ALSO IMAGINARY,**

**PAT: lIKE, a FAKE MADE UP FRIEND,**

**PAT: yOU KNOW, lIKE,**

**PAT: tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE, }:(**

**CCG: GOD, ACTUALLY I REMEMBER READING THIS BULLSHIT.**

**CCG: OR SKIMMING IT AT LEAST.**

**CCG: HOW COULD I FORGET?**

**CCG: MORE LOONEYBLOCK THEATER, AND HERE I AM DRAWING THE CURTAINS FOR YOU GUYS LIKE A DOPE.**

**PAT: aNYWAY, i THINK VRISKA IS UPSET ABOUT IT, aND SHE'S NOT TALKING OR ANYTHING,**

**PAT: wHAT DO i DO,**

**CCG: OK WELL, I CAN ADVISE YOU AND STUFF**

**CCG: BUT YOU DO REALIZE THIS IS A PUBLIC BULLETIN.**

**CCG: WE SHOULD BE HAVING THIS CHAT IN PRIVATE.**

**CCG: EVERYONE CAN READ THIS, EVEN HER.**

**CCG: I MEAN FUCK, SHE WAS *JUST HERE* TALKING YOU DUMMY!**

**PAT: i KNOW, i READ THAT,**

**PAT: bUT,**

**PAT: tHAT'S FUTURE HER, wHICH,**

**PAT: dOESN'T SEEM SO BAD,**

**PAT: mAYBE FUTURE HER CAN READ THIS, aND,**

**PAT: i GUESS,**

**PAT: kNOW i'M SORRY ABOUT IT,**

**PAT: i DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HER FEELINGS,**

**CCG: WELL, FINE, IF YOU WANT TO BROADCAST A TRANSTIMELINE APOLOGY THEN FINE.**

**CCG: BUT YOU SHOULD REALIZE THE FUTURE IS KIND OF A WIDE OPEN THING, I MEAN SHE COULD READ THIS LIKE TWO MINUTES IN THE FUTURE AS WELL AS 600 HOURS.**

**CCG: AT THAT POINT YOU WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE TALKING TO PRESENT HER, COMPLETELY DEFEATING THE PURPOSE OF YOUR SPINELESS MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE APOLOGY.**

**PAT: oH,**

**PAT: yEAH,**

**PAT: i DIDN'T, rEALLY THINK OF THAT,**

**PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG]** **0:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PAG: Hi.**

**CCG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.**

**PAG: Karkat, shut up! This does not concern you.**

**CCG: OK WHATEVER. MY MEMO, BUT WHATEVER.**

**PAT: uH, wOW,**

**PAT: hI,**

**PAG: Tavros, it's ok. Really.**

**PAG: So you don't feel that way a8out me! That's fine. I shouldn't have expected any different.**

**PAG: I can deal with it! I am not a wimp like you. I roll with 8ad 8r8ks all the time. No 8iggie.**

**PAG: In fact, I already have dealt with it. I was over here dealing with it while you were over there on the floor fooling around with your computer after a cute girl tried to kiss you for some reason.**

**PAG: As it turned out, fooling around with your computer to...**

**PAG: Go cry on future Karkat's shoulder a8out this?**

**PAT: uM,**

**PAT: yEAH,**

**PAG: Hahahaha. You are a str8nge and funny 8oy, Tavros.**

**CCG: OH GOD**

**CCG: THIS IS**

**CCG: COMPLETELY HILARIOUS.**

**CCG: NOW I SEE WHY EVERYONE HAS BEEN RIPPING ON MY MEMOS.**

**PAG: Karkat I said shut the fuck up!**

**PAG: Anyway, though totally unnecessary, your apology is accepted.**

**PAT: oKAY,**

**PAG: Now pick yourself up off the floor so we can go wring some fucking treasure out of this misera8le magic rock!**

**PAT: yEAH, i'LL TRY,**

**PAG: Actually, never mind, I'll 8e over there to help you with that too, kind of like I do with everything.**

**PAG: Just lie still and try not to start crying or anything, and w8 a few minutes for your timeframe to catch up with mine.**

**PAT: uH,**

**PAT: wHAT,**

**PAG: Exactly! I aaaaaaaam smarter than you. You see? You're learning!**

**CCG: FUCK, ENOUGH ALREADY.**

**CCG: THERE, GREAT, ANOTHER HAPPY COUPLE**

**CCG: IN WHATEVER HIDEOUS QUADRANT THIS BATSHIT PAIRING WILL SUSTAIN.**

**CCG: NOW OFF YOU GO.**

**CCG** **banned ****PAT** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****PAG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: HOLY HELL.**

**CCG: THIS IS EXHAUSTING.**

**CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE.**

**CCG: OK, MAYBE I'LL TAKE A MINUTE TO COLLECT MY THOUGHTS AND GET BACK ON TOPIC HERE.**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **609 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: NO YOU WON'T.**

**FCG: THIS ONE WAS PARTICULARLY NAUSEATING IN RETROSPECT, I'M SHUTTING THIS DOWN.**

**FCG** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG** **closed memo. **

"HEY RUNT," said a voice in Tavros's head. "GET UP RUNT," it continued. "GET UP ON THOSE GODDAM JELLY LEGS OF YERS. GO KISS THE GIRL." Tavros ignored the voice and conversed with future Karkat and Vriska on one of the memos. "I SAID GET YER ASS UP AND GO KISS THE GIRL YOU PIPSQUEAK. YER MAKING ME MAD RUNT. KISS THAT GIRL. ILL RIP YER HORNS OFF AND PUT EM THROUGH YER EYES. ILL POP YER LITTLE HEAD LIKE A GRAPE. YER A WIMP YOU KNOW THAT. MAKE ME SICK. KISS HER. KISS HER YOU WIMP. GET UP AND KISS THE GIRL."

Tavros was having trouble bringing himself to get up and kiss the girl.

"YOU KISS THAT GIRL THIS INSTANT" Hearts Boxcars typed into the console, fuming. He mashed the "=" key four times and then the "⇒" key. He did it again and again and again.

Tavros could not do it. He could not kiss the girl.

"Thief," the 8th exile said to Vriska. "You will need to be strong." And in time, prone to distraction and obstinacy she would. But not alone. The 8th exile took her cigarette out of her mouth. Her gleaming eyes shone beneath her wide-brimmed hat on her black carapace as if in annoyance or anger, or perhaps even evil. But evil was relative. And she was helping the trolls.

To bring every circle closed, the girl's partner and rival would have to be guided in tandem. The Thief and the Seer were to serve as twin lashes of the scourge cracked by a quasiroyal against her own former kingdom to settle a score. To make him pay. Scourge's black inches would rip red miles through Derse, and the bright rivers gushing from its wounds would wash her mutineers down the drains of exile. In time they would have to answer for their treason. Patience would be necessary. But then, she'd recently come into all the time in the universe.

Snowman continued to brief Terezi on the plan.

"Find the ring before he does," she typed.

**WH3R3 1S 1T?**

"Retrieve the ring from the royal vault. And then, destroy it."

Snowman turned towards the entrance. Upon climbing out the pipe, she would have found herself climbing out of the eye of a long dead mother grub's skull. Outside sat the ruins of a frog temple, crawling with giant centipedes as large as the frog on the top of the ruins.

Centuries before, and yet, right now in terms of the story, the Sylph of Space had been able to vacate the impact site with several features of her buried landscape in tow. She sat atop her session's dominant forge. The Sylph, also known as Kanaya, sat atop a tall green volcano and responded to one of the memos.


	69. Book 5 Chapter 6: A Conversation w FCG

Hello people,

Sorry I haven't updated in forever. I was preoccupied with other stuff. :/

Alright, here are the next few chapters of Book 5:

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 6: A Conversation with Future Karkat

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **599 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY. **

**FCG: FINE THEN.**

**FCG: SINCE PAST ME JUST BANNED CURRENT ME FROM THE PRECEDING MEMO**

**FCG: AND DOESN'T APPEAR TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY FUTURE WISDOM, AS USUAL**

**FCG: LOOKS LIKE I'LL JUST HAVE TO START ANOTHER MEMO FROM SCRATCH.**

**FCG: HEY PAST ME, GO HAVE A BLAST KILLING THE KING, I'M SURE IT WILL BE AWESOME.**

**FCG: IN FACT, IT WAS AWESOME. BANG UP JOB WITH THAT, DUDE!**

**FCG: TOO BAD IT WAS ALL A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.**

**FCG: OH, WHAT'S THAT, PASTHOLE? YOU DIDN'T READ THIS AND FIGURE THAT OUT AHEAD OF TIME?**

**FCG: OR MAYBE YOU JUST SKIMMED THIS AND IT DIDN'T GET THROUGH YOUR THICK BULGE?**

**FCG: WHAT A SHOCK!**

**FCG: MEMO-WITHIN-MEMO TO PRESENT SELF: PUT FORTH A MORE CONCERTED EFFORT TO IMPRESS UPON EVERYONE IN THE PAST, MYSELF INCLUDED, WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS THEY ALL ARE.**

**FCG: I AM LEARNING A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY!**

**FCG: IT TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T ALTER THE OUTCOME OF DECISIONS MADE BY MORONS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL AT THEM.**

**FCG: ALL YOU CAN REALLY DO IS GIVE THEM A HARD TIME AND TRY TO MAKE THEIR LIVES JUST A LITTLE MORE MISERABLE.**

**FCG: WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT THAN CHANGING DESTINY FOR THE BETTER ANYWAY, FRANKLY.**

**FCG: LOSERS SHOULD BE FORCED TO FACE THE MUSIC, EVEN FOR THE MISTAKES THEY HAVEN'T MADE YET.**

**FCG: THEIR PUNISHMENT IS BEING ALLOWED TO MAKE THE MISTAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE. TALK ABOUT POETIC JUSTICE!**

**FCG: AND THEN GETTING SOUNDLY BERATED BEFORE, DURING, AND AFTER THE MISTAKES ARE BEING MADE IS JUST THE MUCUS ON THE GRUBLOAF.**

**FCG: THE SWEET, TANGY MUCUS.**

**FCG: THIS IS DUMB.**

**FCG: WHY DID I EVER THINK THESE MEMOS WERE GOING TO BE A GOOD IDEA.**

**FCG: NOBODY CARES**

**FCG: I MEAN**

**FCG: NOBODY'S EVEN TROLLING ME ANYMORE.**

**FCG: AND I'M LEAVING MYSELF WIDE OPEN TOO, SAYING SOME PRETTY DUMB THINGS HERE.**

**FCG: I GUESS MAYBE I WROTE TOO MANY.**

**FCG: AND FILLED TOO MANY OF THEM WITH LONG ARGUMENTS WITH MYSELF.**

**FCG: NO ONE'S GOING TO READ THROUGH ALL THIS, ALL THE VALUABLE INFORMATION IS JUST GETTING LOST IN THE YELLING.**

**FCG: YOU STUPID STUPID IDIOT.**

**FCG: OH FUCK YOU, WHY'D YOU EVEN START ANOTHER MEMO THEN?**

**FCG: I GUESS**

**FCG: THERE ARE A COUPLE THINGS I WANT TO GET OFF MY CHEST, OK?**

**FCG: OH GOD, NOW I'M ARGUING WITH CURRENT ME.**

**FCG: I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE I WAS DOING IT, THIS IS REALLY FUCKED UP.**

**FCG: I'VE GOT TO PULL IT TOGETHER.**

**FCG: THINK BACK TO WHAT WE MIGHT HAVE DONE WRONG.**

**FCG: BUT THE THING IS**

**FCG: AS MUCH AS OUR PAST SELVES ARE A BUNCH OF STUBBORN UNLISTENING ASSHOLES**

**FCG: I CAN'T EVEN REALLY IDENTIFY ANY MISTAKES WE MADE.**

**FCG: IT WAS ALL PRETTY MUCH LIKE CLOCKWORK.**

**FCG: A 600 HOUR CAMPAIGN TO COMPLETE A GAME LIKE THIS IS PRETTY GOOD IF YOU ASK ME.**

**FCG: AND I HAVE ASKED ME.**

**FCG: IT TURNS OUT ME AGREES.**

**FCG: I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING SOMEONE ELSE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.**

**FCG: IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE IT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN OUR SESSION.**

**FCG: SOLLUX HAS THE SAME INTUITION ABOUT IT AS ME, HE THINKS THERE'S SOMETHING FII2HY ABOUT IT.**

**FCG: IT'S REALLY INSUFFERABLE THE WAY HER FISH PUNS HAVE RUBBED OFF ON HIM, IT KIND OF MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT.**

**FCG: ANYWAY**

**FCG: HE SAYS HE'S WORKING ON TRACING THE ORIGIN OF THIS DISASTER.**

**FCG: IF I FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE**

**FCG: I WILL**

**FCG: I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW.**

**FCG: WASTE OF GOOD FRESH RAGE.**

**FCG: I'M A LITTLE TIRED OF ALL THE OLD THINGS I'VE BEEN ANGRY ABOUT.**

**FCG: IT'S GOTTEN SO STALE.**

**FCG: IN A WEIRD WAY I'M SORT OF LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING SOMETHING NEW TO BE PISSED OFF ABOUT.**

**FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR NOW ANYWAY.**

**FCG: SO I'M KEEPING MY PRONGS CROSSED.**

**FCG: IT WILL BE LIKE FUCKING 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE UP IN HERE.**

**FCG: LAST SWEEP'S EVE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST HAPPY MEMORY I HAVE IN FACT.**

**FCG: WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR THE LAST HOLIDAY?**

**FCG: ANYONE?**

**FCG: I REMEMBER MY LUSUS HAD BEEN GONE FOR DAYS AND I WAS STARTING TO GET WORRIED.**

**FCG: BUT THEN HE FINALLY RETURNED, TRIUMPHANT.**

**FCG: HE BROUGHT THE FRESH BEHEMOTH LEAVING INTO OUR HIVE, AND TOGETHER WE DECORATED IT.**

**FCG: AND**

**FCG: I DUNNO**

**FCG: THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY, I'M GETTING A LUMP IN MY SQUAWK BLISTER.**

**FCG: I GUESS I'M DONE.**

**FCG: I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN NOW**

**FCG: ON THE STEEL FLOOR OF THIS FRIGID METEOR DRIFTING THROUGH THE BLACK UNCARING VOID OF OUR NULL SESSION.**

**FCG: NULL, KIND OF LIKE THIS MEMO I GUESS.**

**FCG: LATER.**

**CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CGA: I Dont Think We Did Anything Special**

**FCG: WHOA, HEY**

**FCG: WHAT?**

**CGA: Last 12th**

**CGA: We Stayed In**

**CGA: And I Read Stories To Her It Was Nice**

**FCG: OH**

**FCG: THAT'S COOL.**

**FCG: THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE RESPONDED TO A MEMO THAT I CAN RECALL.**

**FCG: YOU TOOK IT RIGHT DOWN TO THE WIRE. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CLOSE THIS THING.**

**CGA: Yeah I Know**

**CGA: I Wasnt Sure If I Was Going To**

**CGA: But Then I Noticed A Conversation In Which I Was A Participant**

**CGA: Which As It Turns Out Is The Conversation Taking Place Now**

**CGA: I Scanned It Briefly And Then Perused Other Memos For My Presence**

**CGA: I Found None And Returned To This One**

**CGA: But My Part Of The Conversation Was Gone**

**CGA: I Regarded This As A Prompt To Begin Typing And Record My Contributions Live**

**CGA: That Is How This Works Isnt It**

**FCG: PRETTY MUCH.**

**FCG: FOR A WHILE IT WAS FRUSTRATING.**

**FCG: WHEN I DISCOVERED THE FEATURE I KIND OF BREEZED THROUGH ALL MY FUTURE MEMOS, NOT REALLY READING ALL OF THEM CAREFULLY OR THOROUGHLY.**

**FCG: THEN I LOOKED AT IT AGAIN, AND THE WHOLE BOARD WAS GONE.**

**FCG: BECAUSE IT WAS TIME TO MAKE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO I DID.**

**FCG: AND THEN I KEPT MAKING MEMOS WITH ONLY FOGGY RECOLLECTIONS OF WHAT THEY CONTAINED.**

**FCG: WHILE ALL THESE OTHER CHUMPS FROM DIFFERENT TIMES KEPT GIVING ME SHIT.**

**FCG: INCLUDING MYSELF.**

**FCG: BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD, BECAUSE AS I EVENTUALLY BECAME MY OWN FUTURE SELVES, AND GOT TO BE ON THE OTHER SIDES OF THOSE CONVERSATIONS.**

**FCG: AND COULD DO MY PAST SELVES THE SERVICE OF INFORMING THEM HOW STUPID THEY WERE BEING.**

**FCG: I STOPPED BOTHERING TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW ANY OF THESE MEMOS WENT.**

**FCG: HONESTLY THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN A BLUR TO ME, JUST NON STOP YELLING AT MYSELF, HAGGLING WITH PAST AND FUTURE KNUCKLEHEADS, KILLING MONSTERS AND SOLVING PUZZLES, CYCLING THROUGH ALL THE GATES AND PLANETS LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES, ZIGZAGGING DOWN TO THE BATTLEFIELD, OUT TO THE VEIL, OVER TO PROSPIT, BACK TO DERSE, AND ON AND ON AND ON LIKE THAT UNTIL WE THOUGHT WE WON.**

**FCG: BUT WE DIDN'T WIN. WE LOST.**

**FCG: WE LOST AS HARD AS FAT GUYS FALL.**

**CGA: What Exactly Happened**

**FCG: DID YOU READ THE MEMO JUST BEFORE THIS?**

**CGA: No**

**FCG: GIVE IT A READ, I'M DONE RANTING ABOUT ALL THAT FOR NOW.**

**CGA: Alright**

**CGA: In A Moment**

**FCG: BUT YEAH, THAT'S HOW TROLLIAN'S TIMELINE STUFF WORKS. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.**

**FCG: OR NOT! SINCE APPARENTLY THIS IS YOUR ONLY MEMO REPLY. YOU WERE PRETTY SHREWD IN SIDESTEPPING THIS WHOLE CLUSTERFUCK.**

**CGA: It Seems Like A Logical Way To Engineer A System Wherein One Simultaneously Functions As The Reader And Author Of The Transcripts**

**CGA: Its Temporally Sound Construction**

**FCG: THEN YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS SO.**

**FCG: HELL YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER MAID OF TIME THAN THE ONE WE WERE STUCK WITH.**

**FCG: SHE'S COMPLETELY SHITHIVE MAGGOTS, DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.**

**CGA: I Think We Are Given Roles To Challenge Us**

**CGA: That Dont Necessarily Suit Our Strengths**

**CGA: At Least I Was**

**CGA: I Have No Idea What Im Doing Here**

**FCG: SURE YOU DO.**

**FCG: OR, YOU WILL. TRUST ME YOU'LL DO FINE.**

**FCG: SO WHAT PROMPTED YOU TO RESPOND ANYWAY.**

**FCG: I MEAN ASIDE FROM BEING STRONGARMED BY CONVERSATIONAL PREDESTINATION.**

**CGA: Oh**

**CGA: At This Point Im Not Even Sure If Im Inclined To Ask Anymore**

**FCG: YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A CHOICE.**

**FCG: DO YOU REMEMBER IF THIS MEMO WAS MUCH LONGER THAN THIS?**

**CGA: Um**

**CGA: There Is A Good Way To Go I Think Yeah**

**FCG: THEN MIGHT AS WELL SPIT IT OUT.**

**CGA: Its Such A Silly Question**

**FCG: RED OR BLACK?**

**CGA: What**

**FCG: YOUR PROBLEM, DOES IT PERTAIN TO REDROM OR BLACKROM INTERESTS?**

**CGA: Thats Not What This Is About**

**FCG: COME ON. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN USING THESE MEMOS TO SIFT THROUGH THEIR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS FOR WEEKS, I AM A FUCKING VETERAN AT THIS SHIT BY NOW.**

**FCG: SERIOUSLY, I DON'T MIND, IT'LL BE A WELCOME REPRIEVE FROM SHOUTING AT MYSELF.**

**CGA: Im Not Sure What To Say About It**

**FCG: DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST GET A SENSE OF WHAT THIS CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT WHEN YOU SKIMMED IT?**

**CGA: Not Really**

**CGA: If I Were Thinking About It I Probably Wouldnt Have Wanted To Anyway**

**CGA: Dont You Think Its Better To Have Unrehearsed Conversations**

**CGA: Even If The Subject Matter Is Awkward**

**FCG: YES I COMPLETELY AGREE.**

**FCG: IT'S GOOD YOU DIDN'T READ IT. WE CAN AVOID THE SORT OF VERBAL SLAPSTICK ROUTINES I'M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF BY NOW.**

**FCG: I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING ALL COY AND TELLING ME WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO SAY BEFORE WE SAY IT, AND THEN WE WIND UP FUCKING SAYING IT ANYWAY.**

**FCG: AND THEN WE PROVE TO THE INVISIBLE RIDDLER THAT IS FATHER TIME BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS WE ALL ARE.**

**FCG: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OLD THAT GETS AFTER A WHILE?**

**FCG: SO REALLY, TELL ME.**

**FCG: I KNOW IT'S ON YOUR MIND, I GOT A SENSE FOR THESE THINGS.**

**FCG: R OR B?**

**CGA: Ok**

**CGA: Red Then**

**CGA: But I Guess**

**CGA: Not Really Red Enough**

**FCG: HAHA, WELL ISN'T THAT ALWAYS THE CASE?**

**FCG: STORY AS OLD AS TIME.**

**FCG: EVEN IN PLACES WHERE STRICTLY SPEAKING TIME DIDN'T EXIST UNTIL RECENTLY.**

**FCG: WHO'S THE TARGET OF THESE FLUSHED LEANINGS?**

**FCG: IF YOU DON'T MIND MY ASKING.**

**CGA: Its Not The Asking I Mind**

**CGA: Its The Telling**

**CGA: In A Public Forum**

**FCG: I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S READING.**

**FCG: DID YOU NOTICE ANYONE ELSE JOIN IN LATER?**

**CGA: No**

**CGA: It Appeared To Be Just The Two Of Us**

**FCG: SEE**

**FCG: NOBODY CARES ENOUGH TO BOTHER.**

**CGA: I Dont Know Whether Thats Reassuring**

**CGA: Or Just A Bit Disheartening**

**FCG: WELL I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.**

**FCG: THEIR DISINTEREST IS MORE A REFLECTION ON ME THAN YOU.**

**CGA: Disinterest Is The Operative Concept Here**

**CGA: Shes Not Even Responding To My Messages Anymore**

**CGA: Could Be Busy**

**CGA: But Im Rapidly Approaching A Resolution To Discard The Preposterous Infatuation**

**FCG: SHE? WELL I GUESS THAT NARROWS IT DOWN SOMEWHAT.**

**CGA: Shit**

**FCG: IF I THINK BACK ON EVENTS KNOWING THIS I COULD PROBABLY PIECE IT TOGETHER...**

**CGA: How About**

**CGA: If I Agree To Consult With You About It In Private**

**CGA: We Can Drop It Here**

**CGA: Before You Crack Me Like A Vault**

**CGA: With Your Weird Romance Sleuthing Acumen**

**FCG: ALRIGHT, DEAL.**

**CGA: It Still Puzzles Me That You Are So Versed In The Topic**

**CGA: Do You Have Access To A Manual Archived On A Remote Server Somewhere**

**FCG: WHAT**

**FCG: NO OF COURSE NOT.**

**FCG: I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ALL THAT MUCH.**

**FCG: I JUST KNOW THIS STUFF WILL DRIVE YOU SHITHIVE MAGGOTS IF YOU DON'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.**

**CGA: That Figure Of Speech You Keep Using Puzzles Me Too**

**FCG: LIKE**

**FCG: NOT THAT I EXPECT YOU TO GIVE A SHIT BUT PERSONALLY I AM ALL TWISTED UP ABOUT BLACKROM STUFF ESPECIALLY.**

**FCG: HONESTLY I DON'T THINK I WAS CUT OUT TO HAVE A KISMESIS, I THINK MY STANDARDS ARE WAY TOO HIGH.**

**FCG: DID YOU KNOW THAT...**

**FCG: THIS FEELS SO INSANE TO ADMIT, BUT**

**FCG: OVER THE COURSE OF THIS ADVENTURE, AT TIMES I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO SUSPECT I WAS MY OWN KISMESIS.**

**FCG: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?**

**CGA: Im Not Qualified To Say**

**CGA: Neither Romance Nor Psychology Are My Strong Suits**

**FCG: BUT OBVIOUSLY ITS NOT TRUE, I NEVER EVEN DID ANY LEGIT TIME TRAVELING WHERE I COULD MEET MYSELF, I JUST BICKERED WITH PAST AND FUTURE GHOSTS ON A CHAT CLIENT.**

**FCG: FITTING REALLY. EVERY CALIGINOUS ADVERSARY I'VE CONTEMPLATED HAS ELUDED ME LIKE A PHANTOM, EVEN MYSELF!**

**FCG: WHATEVER, I'M DONE WITH IT.**

**CGA: And What Of Scarlet Ambitions**

**CGA: Fare Any Better In That Quadrant**

**FCG: NO NO NO I'M NOT AIRING THAT SHIT OUT HERE.**

**FCG: MAYBE PRIVATELY.**

**FCG: IT'S PRIVATE.**

**FCG: LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT, WHAT WERE YOU ORIGINALLY GOING TO ASK ME.**

**CGA: Oh Fine**

**CGA: Heres This Silly Question For You**

**CGA: I Was Just Wondering Given Your Vantage Of Hindsight**

**CGA: If Youd Had Cause To Observe At Any Point In Time**

**CGA: Magic**

**FCG: UH...**

**CGA: Like Real Magic**

**CGA: I Guess What Im Asking Is**

**CGA: Is Magic A Real Thing**

**FCG: WOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, THAT'S KIND OF THE DUMBEST FUCKING QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD.**

**CGA: I Know**

**CGA: Its Just That I Have A Good Reason To Believe Magic Is Real**

**CGA: Our Ancient Predecessors Discovered How To Use It**

**CGA: But Then They May Have Surpassed Us In Skill By A Great Deal**

**FCG: YOU PUT WAY TOO MUCH STOCK IN THAT RATTY OLD GUIDE.**

**FCG: BUT ANYWAY NO, WE NEVER USED MAGIC.**

**FCG: I MEAN, LET ME TRY TO PUT INTO PERSPECTIVE HOW RIDICULOUS THE WHOLE NOTION IS ANYWAY.**

**FCG: WE CAN ALCHEMIZE PRACTICALLY ANYTHING WITH THE RIGHT MATERIALS AND GRIST.**

**FCG: WE CAN, AND DID, MAKE SUPER POWERFUL WEAPONS AND ITEMS THAT CAN DO PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.**

**FCG: WHAT ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE COULD MAGIC OFFER? ALL THIS SHIT IS PRACTICALLY MAGIC ANYWAY.**

**FCG: BUT MORE LIKE**

**FCG: GOOFY SCIENCEY MAGIC. YOU KNOW?**

**CGA: Sure**

**FCG: BUT EVERYTHING HERE IS KIND OF MAGIC IN A WAY, ISN'T IT.**

**FCG: FORTUNE TELLING DREAM CLOUDS AND GOLDEN MOONS AND SHIT.**

**FCG: IF YOU LOOK AROUND**

**FCG: THERE'S MAGIC EVERYWHERE IN THIS BITCH.**

**FCG: IT'S ALL AROUND US.**

**FCG: MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLES, RIGHT?**

**CGA: Heh**

**FCG: WHAT DO YOU NEED MAGIC FOR ANYWAY?**

**CGA: Im Running Out Of Ideas**

**CGA: I Need To Figure Out A Way To Stoke This Volcano**

**CGA: In Case You And The Others Are Successful In Recovering The Queens Ring**

**FCG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.**

**FCG: AND YOU WON'T NEED MAGIC, TRUST ME.**

**FCG: JUST BE PATIENT, THE ANSWER WILL COME TO YOU SOMEHOW.**

**CGA: I Guess You Would Know**

**FCG: YEAH, REALLY THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.**

**FCG: AT LEAST AS FAR AS THE DETAILS OF THE ADVENTURE GO.**

**FCG: WE WERE ALL PRETTY AWESOME AT THIS GAME.**

**FCG: REALLY AWESOME IN FACT.**

**FCG: UNTIL A LITTLE WHILE AGO.**

**FCG: WHEN IT TURNED OUT WE WEREN'T ACTUALLY ALL THAT AWESOME.**

**FCG: TURNS OUT WE WERE PRETTY FUCKING UNAWESOME ALL ALONG.**

**CGA: Still Baffled By What Would Conceivably Cause Such A Crisis In Awesomeness Post-Victory**

**FCG: WELL**

**FCG: FOR STARTERS**

**FCG: HAVE YOU SCROLLED UP TO THE TOP OF THE TIMELINES YET?**

**CGA: No**

**FCG: CHECK THAT OUT**

**FCG: MAYBE READ A FEW RECENT MEMOS**

**FCG: BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT'S NOT FOR YOU TO CONCERN YOURSELF WITH.**

**FCG: JUST DEAL WITH GETTING THROUGH THE QUEST.**

**FCG: I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU ABOUT IT WHEN YOU CATCH UP WITH ME ON THE TIMELINE.**

**FCG: WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE RIGHT NOW.**

**CGA: Say Hi To Me For Myself**

**FCG: OK I PROBABLY WON'T DO THAT, BUT ALRIGHT HA HA.**

**FCG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE ANYWAY?**

**CGA: You Mean Future Me**

**FCG: YEAH.**

**FCG: YOU'RE MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR CHAINSAW.**

**FCG: WHILE TAVROS IS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR.**

**FCG: OH GOD.**

**FCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**

**CGA: What**

**CGA: What Did I Do**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist 2 [FCG2]** **600 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG2: OK.**

**FCG2: EVERYTHING'S FINE I GUESS.**

**CGA: What Happened**

**FCG2: I PASSED OUT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.**

**FCG2: FUCKING EMBARRASSING.**

**FCG2: YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND, YOU KNOW.**

**CGA: Shithive Maggots You Mean**

**FCG2: YEAH**

**FCG2: IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH.**

**FCG2: OK I'M SHUTTING THIS MEMO DOWN FOR MY PAST SELF.**

**FCG2: SINCE HE'S CURRENTLY LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR AN HOUR AGO.**

**FCG2: SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE-NOW.**

**CGA: Til Then**

**FCG2** **banned ****CGA** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG2** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG2** **closed memo. **

Kanaya scrolled up to the top of the timelines on her computer. She gasped. What was that? At the very top of the timelines, the 12 colored lines were cut in a jagged line that didn't seem to be in any particular pattern. And just above that, a jumbly mess of white and black flashing lines.

Terezi flew into the air with her rocket wings. On the other side of her hive, which he flew along vertically, her sprite floated in the air.

**DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff**

**DRAGONSPRITE: hey terezi!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: hiiiiii terezi!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!**

**DRAGONSPRITE: sniff sniff sniff**

**DRAGONSPRITE: heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!**

Terezi responded in kind but suddenly stopped as she realized that Karkat was bothering her again. She quickly landed on one of the ledges of her tall hive and responded.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**CG: OK I GOT YOUR MESSAGE**

**CG: THANKS FOR NOT HASSLING ME ABOUT IT IN ONE OF THE MEMOS TO GET MY ATTENTION, I APPRECIATE THAT.**

**CG: UNLESS YOU DID, BUT IT WAS IN A FUTURE MEMO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN YET, IN WHICH CASE HAVE A BIGTIME FUCK YOU ABOUT THAT IN ADVANCE.**

**GC: NO 1 D1DNT BUG YOU 4BOUT 1T 1N YOUR STUP1D M3MOS!**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 4NNOY1NG 4ND 1M T1R3D OF G3TT1NG B4NN3D FOR NO R34SON**

**CG: POSTING IN THEM AT ALL IS THE REASON. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO REPLY MEMOS PERIOD, THAT'S THE REASON.**

**GC: M4YB3 1 W1LL ST4RT MY OWN BULL3T1N BO4RD**

**GC: 4ND 3V3RYON3 W1LL B3 4LLOW3D TO R3PLY 4NY T1M3 TH3Y W4NT**

**GC: 3XC3PT FOR GUYS W1TH NUBBY HORNS, OH NO, TH3Y W1LL NOT B3 4BL3 TO R3PLY 4T 4LL**

**GC: GRUMPY K4RK4TS W1LL B3 3XPR3SSLY FORB1DD3N FROM R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN!**

**GC: :P**

**CG: SOUNDS LAME.**

**GC: BY TH3 W4Y TH4T W1LL B3 TH3 N4M3 OF TH3 BO4RD 1N C4S3 1T W4SNT CL34R**

**CG: YEAH I GOT THAT.**

**CG: THIS IS AN EMPTY THREAT, BECAUSE IF YOU MADE A BOARD AT ANY POINT ON THE TIMELINE I WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE IT RIGHT HERE AND READ THE WHOLE THING ALREADY.**

**CG: WAIT...**

**CG: OH GOD, YOU ACTUALLY DID.**

**GC: Y3SSSSS!**

**GC: FUTUR3 T3R3Z1 1S LOOK1NG PR3TTY COOL R1GHT 4BOUT NOW 8]**

**CG: LOOK I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.**

**CG: WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING AFTER THE QUEEN'S RING.**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: TH3 TH1NG TH4T 1S 4LL 4BOUT 1T 1S**

**GC: W3 H4V3 TO GO 4FT3R TH3 QU33NS R1NG**

**GC: 1T 1S 4 N3W M1SS1ON**

**CG: BUT WE'RE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING TO PULL OFF REGISURP WITH JACK.**

**CG: WHY DON'T WE TAKE IT ONE MISSION AT A TIME.**

**GC: Y34H 4BOUT TH4T**

**GC: TH3 WHOL3 PO1NT 1S TO D3STROY TH3 R1NG SO J4CK DO3SNT G3T 1T**

**CG: WHY WOULD WE WANT TO DO THAT, JACK'S AN ALLY.**

**GC: 4LSO**

**GC: TH3 M1SS1ON SORT OF 1NVOLV3S 3X1L1NG J4CK TOO**

**GC: :|**

**CG: THIS IS BULLSHIT.**

**CG: WE'RE NOT EXILING JACK, HE'S COOL.**

**GC: K4RK4T, H3 1S NOT TH4T COOL!**

**CG: YES HE IS, HE'S A TOTAL BADASS WITH A FUCK TON OF BLADES AND SHIT, AND HE'S HELPING US OUT.**

**GC: OK, 1 TH1NK 1TS PR3TTY CUT3 TH4T YOU SORT OF LOOK UP TO H1M L1K3 TH4T**

**GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY, 1 DO NOT G3T 4 GOOD F33L1NG FROM H1M!**

**GC: H3 K1ND OF**

**CG: STINKS?**

**CG: LET ME ACTED SHOCKED LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.**

**CG: O:**

**CG: FUCK I FORGOT MY HORNS, I ALWAYS FORGET THEM**

**CG: O:B**

**GC: NO!**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: SORT OF**

**GC: H3 DO3SNT SM3LL B4D 4CTU4LLY**

**GC: H3 SM3LLS R34LLY CL34N 4ND SH1NY 4ND D4RK D4RK D444RK L1K3 4N O1L SL1CK 4ND TH3R3 1S 4 T1NY H1NT OF L1COR1C3 TH3R3 TOO**

**GC: 1TS MOR3 L1K3**

**GC: TH3 W4Y H3 MOV3S**

**GC: 1 SM3LL H1S SMOOTH MOT1ONS 4ND TH3 W4Y H3 SQU1NTS H1S 3Y3S 4ND 1T G1V3S M3 TH1S R34LLY N3RVOUS F33L1NG**

**CG: WHAT A SURPRISE, YOU ARE DRAGGING YOUR SCHIZOPHRENIC NOSE INTO THIS, WHAT AN OUTSTANDING CHARACTER WITNESS.**

**CG: OBJECTION YOUR TYRANNY! HAHAHA**

**GC: :D**

**CG: THE BOTTOM LINE IS I AM NOT GOING TO EXILE JACK BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN SMELL MALICE OFF AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE.**

**GC: K4RK4T, H3S 4 J3RK!**

**GC: H3 H4S ST4BB3D YOU ON MOR3 TH4N ON3 OCC4S1ON!**

**CG: SOME OF THOSE STABBINGS WERE ACCIDENTAL!**

**GC: 8|**

**CG: OK, WELL I KNOW FOR A FACT THE THIRD TIME WAS ACCIDENTAL.**

**CG: ANYWAY YOU'VE BEATEN THE SHIT OUT OF ME A FEW TIMES YOURSELF.**

**GC: BUT 1 D1DN'T DR4W BLOOD!**

**GC: 1 M34N 1 COULD H4V3 TO S4T1SFY MY CUR1OS1TY :]**

**GC: BUT 1 D1DNT 4S 4 COURT3SY TO YOU**

**GC: S1NC3 YOU ST1LL W4NT TO K33P 1T 4 S3CR3T FROM M3 L1K3 4 P3TUL4NT L1TTL3 W1GGL3R :P**

**CG: HEY I PROMISED I'D TELL YOU.**

**CG: I JUST**

**CG: WASN'T READY OK**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: 1TS OK**

**GC: 1 KNOW WH4T COLOR YOUR BLOOD 1S 4NYW4Y :]**

**CG: NO YOU DON'T**

**GC: YUP, 1 TOT4LLY DO**

**CG: LIES, I'VE BEEN VERY CAREFUL.**

**CG: NOT LIKE ALL YOU CLASSLESS SHITBAGS WHO SLOP YOUR BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE EVERY GODDAMN MINUTE LIKE IT'S SOME WEIRD FETISH.**

**GC: 3RR**

**GC: HM :\**

**CG: WHAT**

**GC: BL4R**

**GC: HOLD ON**

**CG: WHAT IS IT?**

**GC: 1 S41D HOLD ON! SOM3T1M3S 1TS H4RD TO P1CK OUT TH3 L3TT3RS FROM TH3 HOLO PROJ3CT1ON**

**GC: 1 N33D TO G3T 4 CLOS3R LOOK!**

**CG: ARE YOU LICKING YOUR GLASSES AGAIN?**

**CG: I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT, IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING.**

**GC: NOMP, WH4TH WOULB EBER G1TH YOU TH4TH 1BE4?**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**


	70. Book 5 Chapter 7: Make Her Pay

Chapter 7: Make Her Pay

Terezi licked her glasses and then put them back on.

**GC: TH4T 1S B3TT3R**

**GC: 1TS MUCH 34S13R TO R34D YOUR COLOR TH1S W4Y**

**GC: YOUR DR4B D1RTY P4V3M3NT GR4Y**

**GC: ON TOP OF BR1GHT C4NDY R3D, L1K3 4 SH1NY LOLL1POP**

**GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F4M1L14R K4RK4T?**

**CG: YES, I'M EXTREMELY FAMILIAR WITH THIS SORT OF NONSENSE BY NOW, SURE.**

**GC: NO 1 M34N**

**GC: GR4Y ON R3D**

**GC: L1K3 TH3 W4Y YOUR SK1N**

**GC: CONC34LS YOUR BLOOD**

**CG: WHAT**

**GC: C4NDY C4NDY R3D!**

**GC: L1K3 YOUR PL4N3T**

**GC: YOU H4V3 STRONG CH3RRY COUGH SYRUP 1N YOUR V31NS! 1T 1S COMPL3T3LY D3L1C1OUS.**

**CG: WHO TOLD YOU**

**CG: DID JACK TELL YOU**

**GC: NO H3 DO3SNT T4LK MUCH**

**GC: 1 F1GUR3D 1T OUT MYS3LF**

**CG: HOW**

**GC: 1 GOT 4 CLOS3R LOOK**

**GC: R3M3MB3R :]**

**CG: NO**

**GC: PFFF YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG SO DUMB, YOU KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T 1 4M T4LK1NG 4BOUT**

**CG: I CLEANED UP MY WOUND AND CHANGED MY SHIRT BEFORE I EVEN MET YOU, I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY CAREFUL.**

**CG: SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FILL ME IN.**

**GC: 1T W4S WH3N 1 GOT CLOS3 3NOUGH**

**GC: TO SM3LL 1T UND3R YOUR SK1N**

**GC: PL34S3 K4RK4T, DO NOT PR3T3ND TH4T YOU FORGOT 4BOUT OUR L1TTL3 MOM3NT**

**CG: WHOA**

**CG: YOU MEAN**

**CG: DURING**

**CG: FUCK.**

**CG: OK SHHHHHHHHHH SHH SHH SHH...**

**CG: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS, NOT HERE.**

**GC: TH1S 1SNT 4 M3MO!**

**GC: 1TS 4 PR1V4T3 CORR3SPOND3NC3 JUST B3TW33N US, R3M3MB3R?**

**CG: I KNOW BUT**

**CG: DAMMIT**

**CG: WRITING ALL THESE MEMOS HAS MADE ME PARANOID.**

**CG: IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL SECURE CHATTING ABOUT IT OVER THE CLIENT, I DUNNO.**

**CG: WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT IN PERSON.**

**GC: HOW "1N P3RSON" DO YOU M34N?**

**GC: UH OH LOOK 4T MY 3Y3BROWS G3TT1NG C4RR13D 4W4Y H3R3**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: ;]**

**GC: K4RK4T H3LP, TH3Y 4R3 OUT OF CONTROL!**

**CG: THOSE ARE EYEBROWS?**

**CG: I THOUGHT THEY WERE HORNS.**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 HORNS TOO**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 4R3 WH4T3V3R 1 W4NT TH3M TO B3**

**CG: ?:B**

**GC: DONT CH4NG3 TH3 SUBJ3CT BY B31NG CUT3!**

**CG: WELL APPARENTLY I JUST CAN'T FUCKING HELP MYSELF CAN I.**

**GC: NOP3**

**CG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN SMELL SO DAMN WELL, ANYWAY.**

**CG: YOU GIVE ME A HARD TIME ABOUT BEING COY ABOUT SHIT**

**CG: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR CRAZY SENSES YOU'RE SO VAGUE, IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER THE DAILY HOROSCOPE RIDDLE.**

**CG: OR THE RIDDLES FOR ALL 48 SIGNS COMBINED.**

**GC: 444RGH**

**GC: YOU 4R3 4 R3L3NTL3SS SUBJ3CT CH4NG3R! XO**

**GC: F1N3, 1TS OK 1F YOU DONT W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: GOD YOU 4R3 SOOOOO SHY FOR 4N 4NGRY GUY WHO W4NTS TO B3 4 B1GSHOT L34D3R, 1TS R1D1CULOUS**

**CG: LOOK**

**CG: WE'LL TALK**

**CG: I PROMISE**

**CG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SOME STUFF ABOUT YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE**

**CG: AND CUT ME SOME SLACK.**

**GC: OK :]**

**GC: 1M SUR3 1 M3NT1ON3D 4FT3R YOU M3T MY SPR1T3 **

**GC: 1 L34RN3D FROM H3R THROUGH MY DR34MS **

**GC: B3FOR3 SH3 H4TCH3D! **

**CG: YEAH, BUT IT'S STILL SO VAGUE.**

**CG: THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.**

**CG: HOW ABOUT A STRAIGHT ANSWER?**

**GC: OK, 1LL TRY **

**GC: WH3N 1 W3NT BL1ND, TH4TS WH3N 1 F1RST WOK3 UP **

**GC: 4ND MY LUSUS H3LP3D M3 W4K3 UP! **

**GC: SORT OF **

**CG: YOU MEAN ON PROSPIT'S MOON.**

**GC: Y3S **

**GC: BUT **

**GC: 3XC3PT FOR 4 V3RY BR13F MOM3NT... **

**GC: 1 W4S BL1ND 1N MY DR34MS TOO **

**GC: TH3 DR34M S3LF 1M4G3 1 PROJ3CT C4N'T S33, B3C4US3 1 GU3SS D33P DOWN 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO **

**CG: WHY IS THAT.**

**CG: IS IT OUT OF SPITE TO VRISKA?**

**CG: I KNOW I'D PROBABLY BE COOL WITH IT OUT OF SPITE MORE THAN ANYTHING.**

**GC: NO **

**GC: NOT TH4T TH3R3 W4SNT SOM3 S4T1SF4CT1ON 1N B31NG OK4Y W1TH 1T **

**GC: GR4T3FUL 4BOUT 1T 3V3N! **

**GC: 4ND M4K1NG SUR3 SH3 KN3W TH4T **

**GC: BUT TH4TS NOT 1T **

**GC: TH3 D4Y 1T H4PP3N3D W4S TH3 F1RST T1M3 1 3V3R H34RD FROM MY LUSUS **

**GC: SH3 WOK3 M3 UP, 4ND 3V3R S1NC3 H4S B33N T34CH1NG M3 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO S33 **

**GC: 4 D1FF3R3NT W4Y TO P3RC31V3 3V3RYTH1NG 1 GU3SS, NOT JUST 1N 4 S3NSORY W4Y **

**CG: OK, SO WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME ANY OF THIS?**

**GC: YOU WOULDNT H4V3 GOTT3N 1T! **

**GC: 3V3N NOW YOU ST1LL DONT R34LLY **

**GC: YOU H4V3 NOT 3V3N S33N SK414 Y3T **

**CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP.**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW! **

**GC: SOM3TH1NG D1FF3R3NT DO3S 1T FOR 3V3RYBODY **

**CG: HOW MANY OF US ARE AWAKE NOW?**

**CG: HOW MUCH OF THE FUTURE DID YOU "SEE" BEFORE WE STARTED**

**CG: IN THE CLOUDS, LIKE KANAYA**

**CG: ALSO HOW DID YOU GO BLIND ANYWAY?**

**CG: WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO CAGEY ABOUT THAT.**

**CG: I STILL DON'T SEE HOW SHE COULD BLIND YOU WITHOUT BEING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU.**

**CG: OBVIOUSLY SHE CAN'T CONTROL YOU, SO WHAT GIVES?**

**GC: K4RK4T SHUT UP! **

**GC: GOD **

**GC: HOW 4BOUT 1F **

**GC: 1 T3LL YOU 4LL 4BOUT TH4T STUFF N3XT T1M3 W3 4R3 "1N P3RSON" ;] **

**GC: 1N F4CT, 1 W1LL T3LL YOU WH3N YOU W4K3 UP! **

**GC: UNT1L TH3N 1 W1LL K33P T4BS ON YOU 1N YOUR TOW3R WH1L3 YOU SL33P L1K3 4 L1TTL3 HON3Y P4J4M4'D PUP4 N3STL3D 1N H1S COCOON **

**CG: WAIT LET ME GUESS.**

**CG: DO I LOOK ADORABLE?**

**GC: 4CTU4LLY **

**GC: YOU LOOK K1ND OF L1K3 4 B1G P1L3 OF SM3LLY B4RF **

**CG: WOW, WHAT THE FUCK.**

**GC: OF COOOOUUUUURS3 YOU DO, DUMB4SS :] **

**CG: OH**

**CG: THEN**

**CG: GOOD I GUESS**

**GC: OK 1V3 GOT TO FLY **

**GC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT TH3 R1NG M1SS1ON **

**GC: YOU C4N ST4Y BUSY W1TH R3G1SURP **

**GC: 1 W1LL ORG4N1Z3 TH3 N3W M1SS1ON MYS3LF **

**GC: L4T3R! **

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: TEREZI**

**CG: PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT MY BLOOD.**

**CG: I WANT TO TELL THEM, I MEAN I WILL TELL THEM.**

**CG: LATER**

**CG: ONCE THEY RESPECT ME AS A LEADER.**

**GC: OK **

**GC: 1 W1LL K33P TH4T S3CR3T 1F YOU K33P TH1S ON3 1 T3LL YOU **

**GC: WH1CH 1S TH4T **

**GC: B3TW33N YOU 4ND M3 K4RK4T **

**GC: 1 TH1NK TH3Y 4LR34DY DO **

**GC: BY3! **

**GC: 3 **

**CG: BYE**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] **

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] **

**CG: 3**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

Terezi began to ascend.

COMIC #SPECAL: ASCEND

Jack Nor: kid whered you go i was was going to shoa you my stabs…. .. ahah seer are those wings?

Terezi: T1M3 TO FLY UP 4W4Y TO SK414 YOU FUCKN1G P13C3 OF G4RGB4G3

Karkrat: UM…. OKAAAAAAAAAAY?

Dragonspite: byyye terezi! byyyyyyyyye! terezi bye! heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!11

**PUASE . . . . . ,**

Vriska lay on the ground, arm torn from its socket. She had splattered an eight ball with her blue blood. Suddenly, she opened her one good eye and stood, blood dripping from her. She wobbled a little, unsteady, and then broadcasted her mind control powers far away to where Tavros lived. She mind controlled him to use his animal-conversing mind powers. She then broadcasted his powers into the forest by Terezi's hive. The mind control penetrated Terezi's dragon egg.

She pulled a psychic double reacharound, using Tavros's mind powers to use the dragon's mind powers. The dragon controlled Terezi in her sleep as she walked in her yellow pajamas down the streets of Prospit. Dream Terezi opened her eyes and looked at Skaia in wonder. Real life Terezi, however, had also been coaxed outside from her hive. She opened her eyes and the sunlight burned her retinas. She fell to the ground, blind.

Karkat confronted a pair of green underlings with his clawsickle. He killed them quickly and reaped the spoils, then he and Terezi leaped at a giant red ogre.

Elsewhere, in the Land of Tents and Mirth, Gamzee battled a basilisks, wielding his juggling clubs.

At around the same point in time, in the Land of Brains and Fire, Feferi and Sollux aggressed another pair of underlings.

In the Land of Little Cubes and Tea, Nepeta and Equius also fought a pair of tough purple angels, although it didn't seem to be much contest for any of them.

Tavros played a game of Fiduspawn and hatched another Horsaroni creature which he rode valiantly, jousting lance in hand.

Kanaya wielded a chainsaw against an enormous creature.

Finally, Eridan arrived in the Land of Brains and Fire. He shot Ahab's Crosshairs at Sollux, who stood on a nearby brain-shaped platform. The other troll turned around just in time to shoot back with his twin red and blue beams. Their lasers hit each other and the two trolls struggled to maintain their aim.

In the Land of Maps and Treasure, Tavros and Vriska flew through the air with some rocket-powered technology. Vriska did an acrobatic fucking pirouette and slid across a bridge, killing a few imps along the way.

Aradiabot suddenly arrived and faced Vriska with all of the newfound rage that Equius had given her by providing her with a new host body. The robot kicked the spider troll in the face, sending her flying back onto the bridge. Vriska tried to get up, but Aradia slapped her in the face with her robotic arm and used her telekinetic powers to throw Vriska into the air and slam her back down to the ground again. Blue blood flew everywhere. Aradia sent Vriska flying into her hive with another fluid motion, causing a huge explosion, and then down again, destroying one of the bridges in the elaborate bridge system beneath the hive.

Aradia yelled angrily and prepared to toss Vriska again, but suddenly Tavros flew past her with a horrified expression on his face. Aradia looked at him and a smile formed on her lips. She set Vriska down on the ground gently and disappeared just as quickly as she'd appeared.

And then Dream Terezi in her golden pajamas slapped Dream Vriska, who was wearing her own.

Diamonds Droog leaned back in his chair, smoking a cigarette and looking at Gray Ladies. He couldn't get enough of their monochrome beauty, the way their ash-colored bodies curved gracefully and… oh. He looked at his screen. It seemed as though the robot girl had obeyed him. He looked at a screen that displayed a rather dead-looking Vriska lying on the ground in the Land of Maps and Treasure. His last command remained in the console. "Make her pay," he'd typed, and the girl had done it willingly.

"Atta girl," he said, his permanent snarl curling up slightly at the corners into an attempt at a smile.

Someone needed to grab the reins on timeline management here. These delinquents wasted too much time. Couldn't seem to conduct their business with any efficiency at all. Payback scenarios notwithstanding. There was always time to be made for a good comeuppance.

"Skip to the end," Droog typed.

"Skip to the end," said a voice in Aradia's head. The girl took Vriska's blood, which covered her robotic body, and formed it into words in the air.

**quit b0ssing me ar0und. im n0t 0k with it. i kn0w what im d0ing**

"That's what I like to hear," Droog said contently. "As you were, then."

Aradia skipped to the end of the entire timeline.

**FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA]** **2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened private transtimeline bulletin board r0ad t0 the und0ing. **

**FAA** **2:16 HOURS FROM NOW opened memo on board r0ad t0 the und0ing. **

**FAA: this private b0ard will and has already served as a l0g 0f past events f0r future selves t0 rec0rd and a guide 0f future events f0r past selves t0 f0ll0w**

**FAA: i d0nt kn0w which half 0f its r0le has been 0r will be m0re imp0rtant**

**FAA: p0ssibly neither is critical since deviati0n fr0m the c0urse is m0stly imp0ssible and reflecti0n 0n its traversal is c0mpletely irrelevant**

**FAA: but im typing this anyway**

**FAA: because im b0red again**

**PAST apocalypseArisen [PAA]** **601 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PAA: and here i was thinking we were finished taking 0rders fr0m v0ices!**

**PAA: weve 0nly swapped the imperatives 0f the dead with th0se 0f 0ur future selves**

**PAA: wh0 are als0 dead**

**FAA: yes it seems that way**

**PAA: 0h well it was an enj0yable reprieve fr0m fatalism while it lasted**

**PAA: id nearly managed t0 sav0r it**

**FAA: an err0r narr0wly av0ided then**

**FAA: i think we sh0uld refrain fr0m dial0gue in this mem0**

**FAA: with0ut res0rting t0 bannings 0r absurd exchanges 0f self repudiati0n**

**PAA: yeah i agree**

**PAA: i just th0ught id interject that and g0**

**FAA: 0k**

All across the Battlefield, Aradiabots appeared out of nowhere, all different versions of her from different timelines.

**FAA: we will and have already amassed an army t0 c0nfr0nt the black king**

**FAA: an army c0nsisting 0f 0ur alternate future selves**

**FAA: each 0ne rer0uted fr0m a d00med 0ffsh00t 0f the alpha timeline**

**FAA: each given an0ther chance at a c0nstructive influence 0ver the ultimate 0utc0me**

**FAA: by the way if y0u didnt kn0w already**

**FAA: a future self returning t0 the past fr0m a d00med timeline will always be slated f0r imminent destructi0n herself**

**FAA: its 0ne 0f the rules**

**FAA: and the unf0rtunate reality is**

**FAA: this will and has already been a mass suicide missi0n**

**FAA: 0r it w0uld be**

**FAA: and already w0uld have been**

**FAA: if we all werent already dead**

**FAA: 0_0**

**FAA: m0bilizing 0urselves in such numbers w0uld be required t0 neutralize the kings psychic attacks **

**FAA: it w0uld take 0ur c0mbined c0ncentrati0n t0 dampen the abilities he inherited fr0m glbg0lyb **

**FAA: with0ut the cumulative eff0rt 0f 0ur d00med reserves **

**FAA: with0ut the heightened mental and physical endurance 0f 0ur r0b0tic vessels **

**FAA: with0ut the untimely demise we all shared bef0re this began **

**FAA: vict0ry w0uld n0t be p0ssible **

**FAA: he w0uld kill us all with 0ne dreadful s0und**

**FAA: i d0nt kn0w if it was just bad luck **

**FAA: 0r an extensi0n 0f the curse karkat insists he br0ught 0n us **

**FAA: that lead t0 the incidental and unf0rtuit0us pr0t0typing 0f feferis p0werful lusus **

**FAA: with0ut which the battle w0uld have p0sed little challenge **

**FAA: i think **

**FAA: it was m0re likely just an0ther inevitability **

**FAA: a pr0duct 0f c0llusi0n between the disparate f0rces at play **

**FAA: a bargain struck between what skaia kn0ws already and what the g0ds demand up fr0nt **

**FAA: t0gether they 0rchestrate trials sufficient t0 ensure **

**FAA: that in 0verc0ming them we w0uld be pr0ven w0rthy **

**FAA: 0f inheriting the ultimate reward**

**FAA: ribbit **

**FAA: wh00ps**

**FAA: and s0 it w0uld be and has been already **

**FAA: that while distracted by the c0mbined eff0rts 0f 0ur d00med legi0n **

**FAA: the king w0uld be aggressed by the 0thers **

**FAA: and even th0ugh each w0uld be well prepared **

**FAA: perched 0n the highest rungs 0f their echeladders **

**FAA: equipped with the best weap0nry grist c0uld build **

**FAA: versed in the deadliest fraym0tifs b00nd0llars c0uld buy**

**FAA: even th0ugh the mete0rs fr0m the kings 0wn reck0ning w0uld be turned against him**

**FAA: and even with 0ne imp0ssibly lucky r0ll 0f the dice at the final m0ment**

**FAA: we w0uld 0nly narr0wly succeed**

**FAA: but ultimately**

**FAA: we w0uld pr0ve 0ur w0rth**

**FAA: and the reward w0uld be within 0ur reach**

The twelve alpha timeline trolls stood on a frog platform together. There was Feferi, with her collars and rings and headband; Kanaya, with her Wardrobifier locked on her standard outfit; Gamzee, his face a stoned expression of calm as always; Tavros, sitting in his rocket chair and hovering above the ground; Vriska, with her one wrench-shaped horn and the other bent awkwardly; Aradia in her robot form, thanks to Equius; Equius, who was so excited he was sweating bullets; Sollux, with his blue and red glasses; Eridan, who was holding a magic wand and repeating over and over that magic was not real; Terezi, with her red sesame seed-shaped glasses; Nepeta, her blue helmet on as always; and, of course, Karkat, the leader of the twelve. There was also an odd hand sticking out of a blue portal, but no one noticed it. They were all intensely focused on the door and what lay beyond it.

All around the frog platform floated the doomed Aradiabots, watching as Karkat reached for the doorknob. They were so close. The ultimate reward lay just beyond the threshold of the door before them. His hand got closer to the knob. It was a spherical transparent globe with a blue Skaiain spirograph inside.

**FAA: but 0nly m0mentarily**

**FAA: bef0re we w0uld be able t0 claim it **

**FAA: we w0uld be interrupted **

**FAA: by s0mething **

**FAA: which w0uld be ushered int0 0ur sessi0n by a rift in parad0x space **

**FAA: a rift which we w0uld determine **

**FAA: will be 0pened by f0ur members 0f a fledgling species **

**FAA: wh0 will be playing in an0ther sessi0n 0f the same game that we will and have already played**

**FAA: their rift will lead t0 the great und0ing **

**FAA: with0ut necessarily causing it **

**FAA: n0t directly **

**FAA: such rifts are themselves supp0sedly benign **

**FAA: useful even **

**FAA: they are catal0gued phen0mena within the game itself **

**FAA: with a pr0vided means 0f creating them **

**FAA: and a wide range 0f scenari0s f0r which it might be prudent t0 d0 s0 **

**FAA: the incipisphere l0cals have a m0re f0rmal term f0r them **

**FAA: they typically refer t0 such a rift as**

Far below the trolls, a green electricity crackled through the Furthest Ring. This was what Kanaya had seen at the end of the timeline. The white and black jumble of lines. It had been this outcropping of energy.

**FAA: a scratch**

**CAA: the direct effects 0f a scratch are limited t0 the sessi0n inv0king it **

**CAA: we w0uld n0t experience 0r 0bserve th0se effects fr0m 0ur sessi0n **

**CAA: but we w0uld experience the c0nsequences **

**CAA: in the f0rm 0f that which prevented us fr0m claiming 0ur reward **

**CAA: he wh0se hand w0uld be f0rced by the scratch **

**CAA: t0 emerge fr0m hiding**

**CAA: but there w0uld be n0 adequate way t0 prepare **

**CAA: even with all the f0resight at 0ur disp0sal **

**CAA: f0r a f0e m0re p0werful than the king we will and have already defeated **

**CAA: f0r a dem0n wh0 is indestructible **

**CAA: 0mnip0tent **

**CAA: and enraged**

**CAA: while the rest 0f the party w0uld absc0nd **

**CAA: 0ur duplicates w0uld buy us time **

**CAA: they w0uld all be killed **

**CAA: again**

**CAA: all except f0r me **

**CAA: this is just as well i supp0se **

**CAA: what w0uld we even d0 with all th0se c0pies anyway**

**CAA: we w0uld return t0 the site 0f 0ur hatching **

**CAA: s0 t0 speak **

**CAA: where we w0uld hide **

**CAA: amidst a veil depleted by the reck0ning **

**CAA: and wait **

**CAA: drifting in the wide 0rbit 0f 0ur s00n t0 be null sessi0n**

**CAA: banished fr0m the universe we left behind**

**CAA: and yet in being denied the ultimate reward**

**CAA: we w0uld be barred fr0m entry**

**CAA: int0 the universe we created**

Yes, that's right, reader. Your universe. The universe that John and Rose and Dave and Jade lived in. The one with Earth and the Moon and the Sun. And the stars, aligned in peculiar constellations that somewhat resembled the twelve trolls in a way, as they twinkled in the sky and inspired the humans on Earth to do great, inspired things.


	71. BONUS CHAPTER: Rex Duodecim Angelus

In light of the completion of Act 6 Intermission 4, I thought it would be a fun thing to post a bonus scene. Because, as we all know, the book structure has rapidly deteriorated into utter nonsense. Or at least it would have if it had not already begun as such a reeking pile of shit out of the box. Add that to the fact that Act 6 Act 5 and Act 6 Intermission 5 are fairly long and crucial parts of the story, and you have a recipe for a quick breather. And by breather I mean a bonus thing that isn't really a pause at all. I'll be updating later today as well.

As a side note, I was an ass to stacy-ampora-strider-ampora (the author of Learning and Sburbing, if you're not aware) via pm and email and convinced her that I was Andrew Hussie and then ruined it by revealing myself as, unfortunately, not Andrew Hussie. On a scale of 1 to Hussie I remain a strict 0. So I sincerely apologize for any emotional trauma I may have caused. Look, I'm even including this apology as part of an A/N in my Homestuck novelization! Anyway. Sorry.

-Aris

* * *

**BONUS**: Rex Duodecim Angelus

The B2 Black King glared down at the trolls on the lilypad before him. Aradiabot after Aradiabot materialized around his large dual-headed form. Meteors and shards of the wrecked dream planet Prospit whizzed down to The Battlefield, setting grass and forests ablaze.

On one side of the lilypad stood Karkat, followed by Terezi, Gamzee, Tavros in a rocket seat of some sort, Vriska, and Kanaya. On the other stood Equius, Nepeta, Eridan, Feferi, Aradia, and Sollux.

On nearby lilypads stood hordes of black carapacian soldiers, some big, others small, and yet others massive and burly. Hatches in hovercrafts above opened and still more carapacians came crawling down from above, some falling gently onto pads. One carapacian, a bishop wearing all gray and holding a big hooked cane, gestured a brutish rook forward, and he stomped forward, a heavy tree trunk held aloft in one hand. The soldiers advanced through the checkerboard landscape, spreading throughout it like a sea of black gleaming shells and sharp swords beneath the trolls.

**STRIFE!**

Karkat sliced through the nearest soldier with his sickle, while Terezi slashed through some more with her cane, kicking another one in the head. Kanaya brought her flaming chainsaw down against the bishop's cane, yelling angrily. Sollux took his glasses off and blasted a group of approaching carapacians with his vision twofold, obliterating them. Gamzee threw a sopor slime pie in one of their faces, the contented grin never leaving his face. The carapacian fell down through the clouds into a river below.

Feferi jumped at a carapacian with her foot out, pushing it to the ground and then stabbing it with her trident. Eridan blasted a Dersite ship flying through the air with Ahab's Crosshairs, splitting it in half. Equius swung his fist at a pawn, knocking it over the edge of the lilypad and then roaring at its friend, who backed up in terror. Nepeta pounced on the friend from behind.

Vriska used her "all the luck" powers to cause a meteor to crash down on the massive rook standing in front of her and chuckled. Tavros, yelling an awkward-sounding battlecry, swooped through the ranks of carapacians on another lilypad, slashing his lance back and forth, impaling some and knocking others down to The Battlefield. Aradia used her powers to lift a group of nine carapacians into the air, then smashed them down against the lilypad, lifted them back up again, and smashed them down yet again.

The eleven trolls who weren't Aradia returned to the lilypad to face the Black King, having dealt with his Dersite minions. Karkat, who was standing in the front, raised his sickle, urging everyone to fight. But a tentacle slapped down amongst them, and the Black King roared mightily. The Aradiabots simultaneously used their time powers to freeze him in place. Terezi picked up her cane.

Karkat dug a pair of sickles into the tentacle on the lilypad and Terezi stabbed into it with one of her cane swords, holding the other up and waving at the others. Sollux blasted off up towards the King's face, and Tavros followed after, Gamzee clinging to the side of his rocket. Vriska, who was wearing the pshoes, shot into the air after Tavros. Feferi and Kanaya followed after her, while Eridan stared after them. Nepeta and Equius leapt from lilypad to lilypad, climbing higher into the sky.

The Black King escaped the time trap and lifted his tentacle with Terezi and Karkat on it, staring at them angrily. He shook the tentacle, causing Karkat to fly off, and Terezi to cling to her cane for dear life.

Karkat landed on a lilypad and jumped back as a tentacle slapped down towards him, barely avoiding getting hit. With a quick youth roll, he slashed through the tentacle with his sickles, causing red blood to splatter everywhere. He landed and sliced another tentacle in two. A large pincer flew down towards him and he leaped from lilypad to tentacle to another lilypad as the pincer smashed the lilypad he'd just been on in half. He then jumped towards the pincer but got knocked back onto the lilypad, causing him to fall over. Leaning on one arm, he sliced at a tentacle as it came down towards him, cutting it down the middle.

Karkat got to his feet and six other of the Black King's tentacles approached him. He sliced through all of them cleanly, then ran up another tentacle, ducking and avoiding as the Black King thrashed its tentacles at him. He climbed to where the tentacle was thickest and cut through it with both sickles like a knife through butter, jumping at the Black King's chest and dragging his sickles down it diagonally, forming a large open wound on the royal's torso. The King brought his hand down towards Karkat, but the troll jumped away just in time to evade it, falling back down to a lilypad nearby facedown.

Terezi stepped over his body, feeling her way across the lilypad with her cane. She crossed the pad with ease, grinning up at the King, until her cane bumped a piece of tentacle that Karkat had sliced off. She chuckled and prodded at one of the King's still functional tentacles, prompting him to send a mass of tentacles her way. Terezi feigned horror, clapping her hand to her cheek, before procuring her coin and flipping it. It flew away from her and she split her cane into the dual cane swords as the mass of tentacles flew down towards her, slashing them all to pieces.

The coin continued to flip as Terezi jumped onto one of the tentacles and ran along it, lacerating more as she went. She used one of the tentacles as a springboard to jump towards one of the King's head's eyes, flying down towards it with both swords extended. The coin landed on the scratched side as she landed on the eye, stabbing it and scratching downwards as she slid down the eye. She jumped away onto the lilypad that Karkat was on before he could slap her away.

The King sprayed the remaining nine with a giant cobweb and Vriska and Sollux managed to free themselves before the King's pincer came down on the lilypad, cutting it in half. Sollux flew up and and Vriska used her rocket shoes to propel herself into the air. On one side of the lilypad lay trapped Tavros and Gamzee, and on the other side were Nepeta and Equius, Kanaya, and Feferi and Eridan.

Equius grabbed Nepeta, pulled them both out of the strands of spider silk, and pushed off from the lilypad. Kanaya freed herself as well, using her chainsaw to saw through the cobweb. Tavros caught her as she slid from the falling lilypad. Sollux grabbed Feferi and Vriska grabbed Eridan by his scarf, tugging him away before they were both enveloped by the ominous cloud of black tentacles. She threw her dice onto a nearby lilypad, creating a weasel of unusual size. Vriska facepalmed.

Gamzee lay facedown on the falling other half of the lilypad, still covered haphazardly in spider silk. Aradia freed him from the cobweb, flinging him against another lilypad floating nearby.

Equius pulled back on heavy duty bow, sweating profusely, before it snapped in half and he was accosted by a tentacle, almost knocking his glasses off. He flew backwards through the air.

Tavros narrowed his eyebrows and approached the Black King, channeling Rufio and slicing through the tentacles that holding Eridan and Vriska captive with his lance. He then flew out to the front of the enemy and looked up at its massive form. Then he charged through the air, dodging tentacles and pincers but not a hand. The hand knocked him aside and he fell out of the rocket chair, tumbling down through the air.

Kanaya caught him in her arms and landed on another nearby lilypad, setting him down. She raised her tube of lipstick to her mouth and repainted her lips black, then lowered the tube, capped it, and converted it into her chainsaw, pulling the cord to start it. Tavros flew off in the rocket chair with a thumbs up at her.

Kanaya chopped one of its tentacles clean through, and then jumped to the next lilypad, cutting another one in midair. The Black King brought down its fist on the front of the lilypad, launching Kanaya towards him. She sliced off one of his pincers and signaled for Equius and Nepeta to pick up where she'd left off.

The moirail pair punched and sliced their way through tentacle after tentacle, until the Black King grew furious and shot his tongue out at them. Equius grabbed it in both arms and pulled it clean in half. Nepeta jumped onto his back and he held her up, launching her at the King's chest, where she scraped upwards in the opposite diagonal from the one Karkat had cut, creating an x-shaped wound in his chest now. Unfortunately, they were superficial and only cut through carapace and not the muscle underneath.

Nepeta landed next to Feferi and Eridan. Feferi began stabbing at tentacles and Eridan blasting the remains. The Black King grew angry and flapped his wings, sending huge gusts of wind out at all the lilypads. Eridan shielded them both from falling off with Ahab's Crosshairs, then Feferi jumped across the tentacles flying towards them and scraped the King's right wing. Eridan got down on one knee and looked through the crosshairs, first at Sollux, who was floating above the King, then down at the monarch's wing, blasting a hole through it. Feferi sliced the other wing to tatters.

The Black King began to walk towards them, and unleashed weird flying bull-horse hybrids and tentacled monsters towards them. Eridan was able to fend them off with well-timed blasts, but at one point he hit a lilypad Gamzee was on, knocking the juggalo troll off. Sollux avoided another blast possibly aimed at him by controlling a meteor to block the shot. Terezi landed on one of the horses, stabbing it with her cane swords, and Kanaya slashed another one through the middle. Nepeta landed on another one, digging her claws into its hard carapace.

Another blast from Eridan's gun knocked Karkat's sickle out of his hand and he screamed as one of the Black King's hands slapped down towards him. Equius noticed and jumped at the hand, punching it out of the way. At that point, Tavros began to commune with the flying bull-horse creatures, bringing them all together into a single clump. Karkat and Terezi simultaneously jumped at the clump and slashed all of the creatures to pieces. The King brought down one massive hoof at Tavros, but he flew out of the way in time. The lilypad went down with the hoof to The Battlefield.

Aradia and Sollux together psychically grabbed an approaching meteor and brought it down at the King. They began to rain a storm of meteors at him. Terezi picked up an empty sopor slime pie tin and threw it at Gamzee's head.

Gamzee, who had been sitting on a lilypad contently, a club in either hand, now grinned evilly and engaged murder mode, jumping from lilypad to lilypad, and then, as everyone stared in amazement and terror, leaping at the Black King to bring his clubs together at the monarch's neck, chopping his head clean off. The head slid backwards to The Battlefield and the trolls were showered with blood. Karkat's jaw hung open, staring at Gamzee next to him. Gamzee reverted to his contented smile and slouched over again. One of the King's crowns floated down to the ground beneath them.

The King became angrier than ever before and threw his arm with the scepter in it back, bringing it down against the Battlefield, creating a huge rift in the checkerboard and sending shockwaves up into the air, overturning lilypad after lilypad. Nepeta grabbed Terezi, who was standing still, and pulled her off the lilypad they were on as it was knocked over. The Black King began to manipulate the meteors around wildly and powered up his eyes to use his vision twofold. Simultaneously, Sollux took off his glasses and prepared his as well. He countered the Black King's attack, but the King's vision twofold was stronger, and Sollux began to waver.

An Aradiabot pushed him out of the way and took the force of the impact. Tavros was knocked out of his chair by the explosion of the King's mustardblood psychic powers hitting The Battlefield. The King then let out a wave of psychic energy, causing several Aradiabots to explode. Karkat, Kanaya, Eridan, and everyone else who were still on the lilypads were knocked back until only Vriska was left standing.

Vriska clenched her fist and grinned, then opened her fingers to reveal dice between them. She took a step forwards and narrowed her eyebrows. Tentacles began to close in on her. She closed her eyes and changed into her god tier outfit, blasting out of the mass of tentacles upwards, flying higher and higher until one of the tentacles grabbed her by the ankle. She was pulled back down, causing the dice to tumble out of her hand.

One fell down to where Terezi and Karkat were standing. They both envisioned their ancestors, The Signless and Neophyte Redglare.

One fell down to Tavros and Kanaya. They both envisioned their ancestors, The Sufferer and The Dolorosa.

Two fell down to Nepeta and Equius. They both envisioned their ancestors, The Disciple and E%ecutor Darkleer.

Two fell down to Eridan and Feferi. They both envisioned their ancestors, The Condesce and Orphaner Dualscar.

Another fell down to Sollux and Aradia. They envisioned their ancestors, The Ψiioniic and The Handmaid.

The eighth die fell down to Gamzee. He envisioned his ancestor, The Grand Highblood, and stuffed a handful of sopor slime into his mouth.

Vriska, entangled in the Black King's tentacles, envisioned her ancestor, Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. The dice all landed, glowing and giving Vriska her ancestor's suit and sword. She sliced through the tentacles and jumped at the King, cutting his other pincer off, then his hand, spiralling upwards, cutting off all of his remaining tentacles, until she arrived at the top, flying up into the air, and then charging straight at the King's head, turning at the last possible second towards his other hand and smashing the scepter. The broken scepter fell to The Battlefield and the clouds began to rain, extinguishing many of the fires below.

Terezi stood up, glasses off, hand on Karkat's shoulder. All of the remaining Aradiabots stared at where the brutish monarch had once stood. Feferi helped Eridan up onto a lilypad. Tavros lay exhausted across the top of his rocket chair next to Kanaya, who was standing with her tube of lipstick in one hand. Gamzee grinned up at the sky.

Vriska flew down to where the now normal sized King knelt on a lilypad, clutching at where his hand had once been. She changed back into her god tier outfit and donned wire rim glasses. The Black King reached down with his good hand, one eye bloody and shut tight, picked up his lance, and charged her. He missed her just barely, and she punched him in the face, knocking the lance out of his hand. A couple of the Black King's teeth flew out and blood poured from his eye as he opened it wide instinctively. Vriska caught the lance, flipped it around, and drove it through the center of the X-shaped wound in his chest.

The Black King fell down through the clouds to The Battlefield below.


	72. Book 5 Chapter 8: The End of the Session

Chapter 8: The End of the Session

And then I began Act 5 Act 2. See, Act 5 Act 1 was Hivebent, and now here is Act 5 Act 2. I don't know what to call it yet, though.

Somewhere on the newly created Earth, in a neighborhood in the western United States, a meteor destroyed a mall. In the impact crater, a little baby sat on a daunting text that was crushing a gentleman's mother. She was dead.

Karkat Vantas watched this scene on his Trollian viewport with some surprise, and then annoyance, and then outright loathing for this boy who lived in the world he and his friends had created.

A gentleman known as Mr. Egbert, who'd run a joke shop in the mall, found the boy and dead mother. He wept and Karkat laughed.

The troll jumped ahead in the timeline to a few months later. In the Egbert backyard, the young boy John rode a dangerous pogo ride. Without warning, it bucked forward too far and John fell off the front, scraping his knee on the ground. Mr. Egbert ran outside with a first aid kid.

Later, a couple of years later, Karkat watched Dad Egbert stir a batch of cake batter vigorously. John stood by with the box of Betty Crocker cake mix.

Karkat skipped a few more years and paused. John's favorite shirt became a gray one with a black spade on it. Was John mocking him? Maybe the boy knew that Karkat hated him and was misinterpreting the hate a kismesissitude. Or maybe John knew nothing of this and it happened to be a coincidence. Either way, Karkat loathed John all the more for it.

More nonsense. A father teaching his adopted son how to play the piano. A father wearing a beagle puss and throwing a pie in his son's face lovingly.

And then, later, John sitting at his computer and talking to Jade. A bit later, Karkat watched in some surprise as the boy donned a wizard hat and had cards fly out his sleeves. Who was he? Eridan?

In the winter, John putting his gift for Jade together. The pumpkin seeds and the blue ghost slime shirt.

Jumping ahead, Karkat watched John take a bite of a blue apple as a meteor raced toward his house. And then he was fighting imps, collecting grist, and being hailed by the local fauna as their savior. And finally, John lay on a rocket board, asleep, strapped down with caution tape, and flying to who knew where.

Karkat watched him with a sense of hateful fascination. Kismesissitude? Perhaps. The troll wasn't quite sure.

He'd finally found the boy after hours of searching. No. _Sweeps_ of searching.

John's Cosbytop had been turned into a computer band, displaying a holographic image in front of him. He wore strange blue pajamas with a windy symbol thing. Karkat almost laughed. He decided it was time to troll this worthless human.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN.**

**CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING.**

**CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.**

**CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.**

**CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.**

**CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.**

**CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.**

**CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET.**

**CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED.**

**CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.**

**CG: ONLY MY HATE.**

**CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.**

**CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.**

**CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.**

**CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU.**

**CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.**

**CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.**

**CG: YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT.**

**CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT.**

**EB: hi karkat!**

**CG: WHAT**

**CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: this is it, isn't it?**

**EB: i've been looking forward to this!**

**CG: WHAT IS IT.**

**CG: ME HATING YOU IS WHAT'S IT.**

**CG: IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO.**

**EB: no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective.**

**EB: right?**

**CG: YEAH.**

**CG: ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE.**

**EB: yeah, lots of times!**

**EB: actually...**

**EB: i should introduce myself properly.**

**EB: hi karkat, i am john!**

**CG: JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS.**

**EB: because we are buddies!**

**CG: I ADMIT I AM NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS**

**CG: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS "EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES".**

**EB: yup, we totally are.**

**EB: we just became earth human buddies in a kind of weird way.**

**EB: you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure.**

**EB: and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while.**

**EB: you talk to my friends a whole bunch too.**

**EB: you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan!**

**EB: which we are busy putting into motion right now, as you can see.**

**CG: THESE ARE LIES.**

**CG: I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE.**

**CG: I AM YOUR GOD, REMEMBER.**

**EB: yeah yeah, i know.**

**CG: WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.**

**CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS?**

**CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS.**

**EB: you mean the scratch?**

**CG: WHATEVER.**

**EB: yes! that is the plan.**

**EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now.**

**CG: RIDICULOUS.**

**CG: I DIDN'T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY.**

**CG: THAT WAS SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, OK?**

**EB: heheheh.**

**CG: I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN.**

**EB: egbert.**

**CG: OK, HUMAN EGBERT.**

**CG: I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC.**

**CG: THERE IS NO CHANCE I WILL EVER HELP YOU.**

**CG: YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU OR WHY I HATE YOU.**

**CG: I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND.**

**CG: I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE.**

**CG: WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE.**

**CG: WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT.**

**CG: LIKE TYRANTS.**

**CG: IT WAS TO BE OUR PLAYTHING, JOHN.**

**CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SWEET IT WAS GOING TO BE.**

**CG: BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US.**

**EB: man...**

**EB: i knoooow.**

**EB: none of this is news to me, karkat!**

**EB: but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great.**

**EB: wanting to be tyrants and all.**

**EB: maybe you got what you deserved, you stutid fuckass!**

**CG: STUTID?**

**CG: WOW, YOUR SPECIES REALLY IS BRAINDEAD.**

**EB: eh, it's an in-joke, never mind.**

**EB: anyway, hey!**

**EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING!**

**EB: come on bro, flame me!**

**EB: i have been really excited about this.**

**CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU?**

**CG: I MEAN**

**CG: DON'T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED.**

**CG: IT'S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: i don't know, probably not.**

**EB: i just think it's kind of funny when you do it.**

**CG: THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS.**

**CG: BUT MAYBE IT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY**

**CG: THAT YOU WELCOME MY ACRIMONY SO READILY**

**CG: ON ACCOUNT OF PROBABLY SOME WEIRD GLAND HUMANS HAVE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING THING LIKE THAT.**

**CG: IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU.**

**EB: right about what?**

**CG: I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN.**

**CG: SORT OF COSMICALLY.**

**CG: LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS.**

**CG: YOU KNOW, THE ONES I FUCKING MADE FOR YOU.**

**EB: ha ha, i don't hate you!**

**CG: HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY CLAIM TO HAVE TALKED TO ME A LOT ALREADY AND NOT HATE ME, SEE IT DOESN'T ADD UP.**

**EB: wait...**

**EB: are you saying that we are kisme-whatevers?**

**CG: WHAT, NO.**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A BRAZEN SOLICITATION.**

**CG: IT'S INSULTING.**

**CG: I MEAN**

**CG: OK I'M NOT SAYING I'M RULING OUT THE IDEA OR ANYTHING.**

**CG: LIKE IF LATER OVER TIME YOU STARTED REALLY HATING ME MORE**

**CG: LIKE REALLY GOT TO KNOW ME AND FOUND OUT ABOUT HOW MUCH THERE WAS TO HATE**

**EB: er...**

**CG: BUT... IN THE PAST I GUESS? I'M JUST SAYING WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAPPEN.**

**CG: OR HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.**

**EB: uh.**

**CG: FUCK WHAT AM I BABBLING ABOUT.**

**CG: THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, WE JUST MET FOR FUCK'S SAKE.**

**CG: AND IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE EVER GOING TO MEET IN PERSON, SO IT'S ALL A MOOT POINT.**

**CG: SO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.**

**CG: GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i just didn't really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard.**

**CG: WHAT FEELINGS, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS, END OF DISCUSSION.**

**EB: hey, i don't have a problem with your weird sort of alien hate-love thing!**

**EB: it is just that, uh...**

**CG: WHAT**

**EB: i am not a homosexual.**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?**

**EB: it is like, when a boy likes another boy.**

**EB: or i guess hates, in this case.**

**CG: HUMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT?**

**EB: yes.**

**CG: HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?**

**EB: shrug. it just is.**

**CG: HUMAN ROMANCE SURE IS WEIRD.**

**EB: i am just as confused by your troll shenanigans.**

**EB: so many shenanigans!**

**EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing.**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A THING.**

**EB: like, i dunno.**

**EB: going on weird fight dates and beating the crap out of each other, and being in hate-love or love-hate.**

**EB: isn't that how it works?**

**CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IGNORAMUS I COULD SHIT MILES OF RAGE SNAKE TO CHOKE YOU TO DEATH.**

**EB: ew.**

**CG: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT.**

**EB: um, i talked to you...**

**EB: and her...**

**EB: and some others. i don't know! like i said it's just a sense i got.**

**EB: sorry!**

**CG: OK FIRST OF ALL, IF THERE WERE A "THING" WITH HER, AND THAT'S A HUGE IF**

**CG: IT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT QUADRANT THAN WHAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT.**

**EB: oh god, the quadrants...**

**CG: SECOND, WHETHER SHE AND I HAVE A THING OR DON'T HAVE A THING, OR TOOK A ROMANTIC HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE SUSPENDED IN A GODDAMN FILIAL PAIL TOGETHER**

**CG: IT'S DEFINITELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING EARTH BUSINESS, EGBERT HUMAN JOHN.**

**CG: GOT IT?**

**EB: ok, sheesh!**

**EB: karkat, i am going to be honest...**

**EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all!**

**EB: it is really kind of...**

**EB: awkward.**

**CG: YEAH**

**CG: WOW, IT IS**

**EB: yeah...**

**CG: HUH.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: um...**

**CG: OK, LOOK.**

**CG: LET'S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.**

**CG: THE STUFF I WAS BABBLING ABOUT EARLIER.**

**EB: yeah, well we never really talked about it in the past, so i guess we do agree to that.**

**CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN**

**CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS**

**CG: YOU'LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT**

**CG: SO I GUESS**

**CG: I'LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS?**

**EB: told you bro!**

**EB: hahahaha.**

**CG: YOU REALLY ARE A SMUG NOOK WHIFFER, JOHN EGBERT.**

**CG: I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK ON POINT HERE.**

**CG: WHICH IS ADDRESSING THE MATTER OF WHAT INCOMPREHENSIBLY PUTRID GARBAGE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE AND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.**

**EB: you mean platonic hate?**

**CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT, REMEMBER.**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**CG: SO YOU WANTED TO GET TROLLED, WELL YOU GOT IT.**

**CG: PREPARE TO GET YOUR PUNY HUMAN BULGE FLAMED INTO NUCLEAR HATEBLIVION.**

**CG: WELCOME TO THE TROLLOCAUST. THE PAINSTAKING GENOCIDE OF YOUR FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM WILL BE MY SWAN SONG.**

**EB: oh boy, this sounds great.**

**EB: but...**

**EB: we're out of time!**

**EB: i have to go put this plan into motion.**

**CG: OH I SEE, TAKING THE COWARD'S WAY OUT.**

**CG: SCAMPERING OFF TO GET ANNIHILATED BY A DEADLY RIFT, HOW CONVENIENT.**

**CG: WELL FINE, SAYONARA YOU WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPET.**

**CG: I WILL BID YOU ONE FIRST AND FINAL FUCK YOU.**

**CG: FUCK YOU, JOHN EGBERT.**

**CG: FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE JOKE BOOK YOU RODE IN ON.**

**CG: FUCK.**

**CG: FUCKING.**

**CG: YOU.**

**EB: :D**

**EB: see you soon!**

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: WHAT**

**ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]**


	73. Book 5 Chapter 9: R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTY

Chapter 9: R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN

**CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN. **

**CGC: WH4T DO YOU GUYS TH1NK 4BOUT K4RK4TS N3W PL4N**

**CGC: TO TROLL TH3S3 K1DS**

**CGC: P3RSON4LLY 1 TH1NK H3 H4S F1N4LLY SN4PP3D 4ND 1T DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3**

**CGC: 1 F1GUR3D M4YB3 W3 COULD T4LK 4BOUT 1T H3R3 1N S3CR3T WH1L3 H3 ST4NDS OV3R TH3R3 M4K1NG H1S BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH**

**CGC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 H3S STOPP3D BOTH3R1NG TO 1NV4D3 P4RTYTOWN, H3 H4S L34RN3D H1S L3SSON :]**

**CGC: OBV1OUSLY TH1S 1S JUST FOR US H3R3 1N TH3 PR3S3NT TO R3M4RK ON**

**CGC: 1F YOU 4R3 FROM TH3 P4ST 4ND 4R3 CUR1OUS 4BOUT TH1S 4ND W4NT TO S4Y SOM3TH1NG YOU W1LL NOT B3 B4NN3D 4S 1S TH3 G3N3R4L RUL3 H3R3**

**CGC: BUT 1 W1LL POL1T3LY 4SK YOU TO K33P YOUR 1NT3RJ3CT1ONS TO 4 M1N1MUM!**

**CGC: 1 W1LL H4V3 ORD3R 1N TH1S RUMPUSBLOCK :D**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **7 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG: YOU THINK I STOPPED KEEPING TABS ON YOUR VAPID, SEDITIOUS BULLSHIT?**

**PCG: THINK A FUCKING GAIN.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: TH3 TOP1C 1S NOW OP3N FOR 4RGUM3NT4T1ON**

**CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY Y13LDS TH3 FLOOR W1TH 4 M1GHTY B4NG OF H3R G4V3L***

**CGC: B4NG B4NG B4NG!**

**CGC: THR33 M1GHTY B4NGS**

**CGC: WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO SUBM1T ON TH3 SUBJ3CT OF K4RK4TS T3NUOUS GR1P ON TH3 T4TT3R3D R3M41NS OF H1S S4N1TY, COUNS3LOR N3P3T4?**

**CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CAC: :33 *the especially impurrtant pouncellor looks really serious and thoughtful as she scoots her chair out from under the official courty looking table and begins to pace around thoughtfurry***

**CAC: :33 *she doesnt understand why**

**CAC: :33 i dont understand why we are doing this!**

**CAC: :33 what was the point again?**

**CGC: 3XC3LL3NT QU3ST1ON M1SS POUNC3LLOR**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 2 [PCG2]** **5 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG2: ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED.**

**PCG2: I CAN PLAINLY SEE YOU ARE GOING TO START WRITING THIS MEMO IN FIVE MINUTES.**

**PCG2: ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GO MAKE MY "BOR1NG 1NSP1R4T1ON4L SP33CH" AND THEN WALK OVER TO YOUR COMPUTER AND START FUCKING WITH YOU.**

**PCG2: GO AHEAD, BAN ME ALL YOU WANT.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG2** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY 3XPR3SS3S D1SD41NFUL Y3T 4UTHOR4T1V3 1NT3R3ST 1N OTH3R OP1N1ONS ON TH3 STUP1D3ST PL4N 3V3R CONC31V3D***

**CGC: 4NY THOUGHTS?**

**CAC: :33 i dont s33 why karkat has to always be banned from these memos!**

**CAC: :33 what if he promises to behave himself?**

**CGC: W3 H4V3 B33N OV3R TH1S :[**

**CAC: :33 what if i talk to him in the past and told him he could post here as long as he was not purrticularly disagr33able?**

**CAC: :33 thats a good idea! brb**

**CGC: OH GOD!**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 3 [PCG3]** **10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG3: THANK YOU NEPETA, FOR ALERTING ME TO THE PRESENCE OF YET MORE OF THIS TAWDRY ROLEPLAY-INFESTED CLOAK AND DAGGER RUBBISH.**

**PCG3: HOW VERY INTERESTING.**

**CGC: *H3R TYR4NNY F4C3 P4LMS 1N 4 R34LLY D1GN1F13D 4ND 1NT1M1D4T1NGLY JUD1C14L M4NN3R***

**CGC** **banned ****PCG3** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: *TH3 D1ST1NGU1SH3D POUNC3LLOR R3C31V3S 4 HUNDR3D B1LL1ON RUMPUS D3M3R1TS FOR 1NV1T1NG UNCOUTH R4BBL3 1NTO H3R ORD3RLY BLOCK***

**CAC: :33 :((**

**CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CTA: ii already told KK what ii thought about thii2 awful iidea.**

**CTA: iit ju2t make2 NO 2en2e, you can count me out.**

**CTA: you all can troll the2e iincompetent aliien2 all you want, iit won't change anythiing.**

**CTA: ii'll ju2t be over here waiitiing two diie wiith diigniity, ok well maybe iit'2 two late for that, but ju2t diie ii gue22, and y'all can 2uck iit biitche2.**

**CGC: TH3 M4G1STR4T3 FROM TH3 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3B3RRY JUR1SD1CT1ON M4K3S 4N 3XC3LL3NT PO1NT 4BOUT TH3 OV3R4LL SH1TT1N3SS OF TH3 PROPOS1T1ON**

**CGC: 4ND 4BOUT M4N4G1NG TO B3 4N 3V3N GRUMP13R P41N 1N TH3 4SS TH4N OUR F34RL3SS L34D3R SOM3HOW**

**CTA: ii don't get why you're RP'iing about thii2, iit doe2n't make 2en2e, you're all out of your fuckiing 2ponge2.**

**CTA: why don't you ju2t u2e our name2.**

**CGC: :O**

**CGC** **banned ****CTA** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned ****CTA** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: OK SORRY 4BOUT TH4T**

**CGC: THOLLLLUUUUUUXXXXTHHHH**

**CGC: TH3R3 4R3 YOU H4PPY**

**CTA: whatever.**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 4 [PCG4]** **4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG4: YOU BASTARD, IS IT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK TO TAKE A FEW TOOLS OUT BEHIND THE GRUBSHED.**

**PCG4: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IS HASSLE SOME ALIENS, GOD.**

**PCG4: AFTER ALL THOSE TIMES I SAVED YOUR LIFE YOU THINK YOU COULD DO ME ONE LITTLE SOLID.**

**CTA: yeah after you got me kiilled iin the fiir2t place.**

**PCG4: HOW CAN YOU THROW THAT IN MY FACE AGAIN, I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL.**

**CTA: ii 2aiid whatever.**

**CGC: UUUGH**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG4** **from responding to memo. **

**CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CAA: i will n0t be participating**

**CAA** **ceased responding to memo. **

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 5 [PCG5]** **3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG5: OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW.**

**PCG5: THAT'S IT GUYS, THE PLAN IS CANCELED.**

**PCG5: ARADIA ISN'T GOING TO MOPE AT THESE LOSERS FOR US, THE WHOLE PLAN HINGED ON THAT.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG5** **from responding to memo. **

**CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCC: I still don't quite understand t)(e plan eit)(er.**

**CCC: I mean, I don't really mind talking to t)(em! It could be fun and t)(ey look interesting.**

**CCC: But I really don't t)(ink t)(is is all t)(eir fault.**

**CCC: Can't we say nice t)(ings to t)(em instead of troll t)(em?**

**CCC: Maybe even )(-ELP t)(em! 38)**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 6 [PCG6]** **2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG6: NO, FUCK.**

**PCG6: YOU CAN'T BE NICE TO THEM.**

**PCG6: YOU ARE COMPLETELY MISSING THE GLUBBING POINT, FISH PRINCESS.**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG6** **from responding to memo. **

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 7 [PCG7]** **2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG7: HEY TEREZI I'M ABOUT TO MAKE THIS AWESOME SPEECH AND INSPIRE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU GUYS.**

**PCG7: WHEN I'M DONE I'M COMING OVER TO YOUR STATION AND THEN YOUR ASS IS MINE.**

**PCG7: ENJOY THIS GARBAGE DUMP OF A MEMO WHILE IT LASTS.**

**CGC: BL444444R XO**

**CGC** **banned ****PCG7** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: TH1S 1S WHY W3 C4NT H4V3 N1C3 TH1NGS**

**CGC: 1M T3MPT3D TO CLOS3 TH1S M3MO NOW :\**

**CGC: 1F 4NYON3 H4S 4NYTH1NG TO S4Y S4Y 1T QU1CK!**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist 8 [PCG8]** **2 MINUTES AGO responded to memo. **

**CGC** **banned ****PCG8** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC: NOT YOU**

**PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC]** **420 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PTC: YeAh iM NoT FoLlOwInG ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN PlAn uP At aLl**

**PTC: wHo aRe wE TrOlLiNg**

**CGC: G4MZ33 TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S T4K1NG PL4C3 W33KS 1N TH3 FUTUR3**

**CGC: 1T DO3S NOT CONC3RN YOU!**

**PTC: oH**

**PTC: WeLl mOtHeR FuCk i gUeSs**

**CGC: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T :P**

**CGC: JUST SCROLL 4ROUND 4ND LOOK FOR ON3 OF TH3 RRPT OP3N CH4T M3MOS**

**PTC: oKaY**

**PTC: HoNk :o)**

**CGC: LKSD;GDKNLN**

**CGC: ASDM SDFSFD9W30**

**CGC: DFD;**

**CGC: GH**

**CGC: EUHFHSDKLNVSDJKLSJKBSDJKF**

**PTC: wHoA**

**CGC: K4RK4T IS M4SHING MY K3YBOSDVFDNFLBLGBGSDGFSB['A**

**CGC: AKJFA**

**CGC: SEUFHWEUIONDN**

**CGC: AUIHDF**

**CGC: SDSAD**

**CGC: 4444UGH H3 1S SUCH 4 L1TTL3SDKJGBSDJKBG**

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC: FUUUUUUUUCK!**

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCG: OH NOW WHAT'S UP?**

**CGC: GOD D4MM1T H3 LOGG3D ON TO MY COMPURO3IHHGRNVNFSDKS'SD**

**CGC: 4ND H3S ST1LL M4SH1NG M3! :[**

**CGC: SDKLFSDK FHS**

**CGC: YUGUFY**

**CGC: G3T OFF!SFBSDJB**

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CCG: WHY ARE YOU BANNING YOURSELF TEREZI?**

**CCG: PRETTY FUCKING MENTAL IF YOU ASK ME.**

**CCG: REALLY FUCKED UP OF YOFDIHFNGNJKGLJS**

**CCG: ASKJSKF89UG**

**CCG: YDRHHGH**

**CCG: WEFOWEGWLKNGNIOV**

**CCG: SDIJS**

**CCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG: OK QUIT THADJKNFSDK**

**CCG: FUCK OW GOD DAMFFJKSNFBGB**

**CCG: OW! FUCKALKLKDNJJV**

**CGC: 1 4M GO1NG TO SH4RP3N YOUR STUP1D LOOK1NG NUBBY HORNS 1N YOUR SL33P!**

**CGC: TH3N TH4TS WH4T W1LL B3 UP, BY3 BY3 NUBS**

**CCG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST FILE THEM ALL THE WAY DOWN.**

**CCG: SINCE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO EMASCULATE ME IN FRONT OF MY TEAM.**

**CGC: W1LL YOU G1V3 YOUR BOR1NG L34D3R COMPL3X 4 R3ST FOR ONC3**

**CGC: 1TS G3TT1NG SO OLD!**

**CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CAG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**CAG: You are 8oth ridiculous.**

**CCG: HEY VRISKA, YOU'RE DOWN WITH MY TROLLING PLAN.**

**CCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL EVERYONE IN RAINBOW ASSGRAB JUNCTION WHAT A GREAT IDEA IT IS.**

**CAG: I'm 8usy.**

**CCG: WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU BE BUSY WITH?**

**CAG: I'm making my own plans! I'm a pretty 8ig deal, remem8er Karkat?**

**CGC: 1T LOOKS L1K3 YOU FORGOT HOW M4NY 1RONS SH3 H4S 1N TH3 F1R3**

**CAG: Exactly!**

**CCG: WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT GOING ALONG WITH MY SIMPLE PLAN TO SERVE A FEW PINK SKINNED DOUCHE BAGS A PIPING HOT NUTRITION PLATEAU FULL OF FUCK YOU.**

**CGC: M4YB3 W3 W1LL BUT W3 4LL JUST K1ND OF W4NT TO DO OUR OWN TH1NG!**

**CCG: THERE IS A WORD FOR THAT, IT IS CALLED GROSS INSUBORDINATION.**

**CGC: TH4TS TWO WORDS R3T4RD :P**

**CAG: Do you guys realize you are sharing a key8oard and taking turns to argue with each other?**

**CAG: That is kind of cute. ::::)**

**CTA: yeah ii hate to 2ay iit, but iit really 2ort of ii2.**

**CCG: OK FUCK THIS.**

**CCG: EVERYONE IS OFFICIALLY BANNED FROM THIS TRAIN WRECK.**

**CCG** **banned ****CAG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****PTC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CCC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CAA** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CTA** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CAC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **banned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned ****CGC** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO!**

**CCG: WHOOPS :[**

**CGC: YOU C4N'T B4N M3 FROM MY OWN M3MO!**

**CGC: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID.**

**CGC: SHIT. D:B**

**CCG: LOOKS LIKE I JUST DID.**

**CGC: F1N3 1 W1LL JUST SHUT TH3 M3MO DOWN**

**CGC: SO YOU W1LL G3T TH3 H3LL OUT OF H3R3!**

**CCG: FINE, I'M GONE.**

**CCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CGC: UUUUUUUUUUUGH**

**FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC]** **6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FGC: H3Y!**

**CGC: OH H3Y!**

**FGC: 1 JUST THOUGHT 1 WOULD 4DD ON3 L4ST R3M4RK TO TH1S S1LL1N3SS**

**FGC: 4 R3M4RK OF R34SSUR4NC3!**

**CGC: OHH :?**

**FGC: Y3S, YOU SHOULD TROLL TH3 HUM4NS**

**FGC: 1T W1LL B3 FUN :]**

**CGC: W3LL, W3 BOTH KNOW TH4T 1 W4S PL4NN1NG TO 4NYW4Y**

**FGC: OF COURS3! 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT ON TH3 M4TT3R**

**FGC: JUST H3R3 TO S4Y YOU WONT R3GR3T 1T**

**CGC: TH4T 1S N1C3 TO KNOW!**

**CGC: 1 TRUST YOUR JUDGM3NT 4S W3LL**

**FGC: Y3S!**

**FGC: 4NOTH3R TR1UMPH OF SOUND JUDGM3NT 4ND GOOD T1M3S FOR T34M PYROP3 4ND TH3 LOY4L SUBSCR1B3RS OF R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN**

**CGC: HOOR4Y! :D**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING SICK.**

**CGC** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CGC** **closed memo. **


	74. Book 5 Chapter 10: John's Return

Chapter 10: John's Return

A sleeping John Egbert on a rocket board crashed into some rocks, ripped through the caution tape, and landed somewhere on LOWAS. A couple of fireflies landed on top of him.

Vriska Serket looked at the boy in disdain. She needed him to wake up. She attempted to use her mind control powers, struggling to push her influence far enough to reach him.

It was no use. It seemed her abilities could not cross between sessions. Or could not influence his species. Or both. Or _maybe_ she just wasn't trying hard enough!

She wondered what the goofball was dreaming about. Too bad these stupid viewports couldn't see into dreams. This software _sucked_!

Dream John walked across the wreckage of the Battlefield, the bunny close in tow. He looked out into the distance and suddenly saw his father and a lady with a pink scarf. They were walking in the same direction as him, just further away.

"Dad!" John called, and Mr. Egbert spun on his heels.

"John," he called, holding his arms open to embrace the boy. They looked at each other happily for a second, then John leaped across the gap in the Battlefield towards him.

Just as John was about to reach the other side, he vanished, the ring that had been on his finger falling down the gap.

Dad Egbert's shoulders slumped, and tears began to well up in his eyes.

"Hey," Rose's Mom said, holding out a flask. She was seated on a hill a few feet off. "Drink this. You'll feel better."

Vriska tried harder to wake John up. It took all of her concentration, but finally it worked and John sat up. Someone was trolling him.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**AG: Joooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooo**

**AG: oooooooohn!**

**AG: W8ke up!**

**EB: heheh. i am pronouncing that like a really long "june".**

**EB: that is so many o's.**

**AG: It is 8ight groups of 8ight. I specifically counted them.**

**AG: It's sort of a thing I do.**

**EB: you typed my name in 64 bit.**

**AG: Wow. What a nerd!**

**EB: have i talked to you before?**

**AG: Um, possi8ly? This is the first time I have contacted you that I am aware of.**

**EB: i'm pretty sure i remember you. you hassled me a long time ago.**

**EB: i think you threatened to kill me at some point.**

**AG: John, give me a 8r8k! That was o8viously just my way of getting to know you.**

**AG: Or it will 8e, whenever I get around to it.**

**EB: well, yeah, i know that about you guys by now.**

**EB: but also i know that it is probably not exactly an empty threat!**

**EB: since one of you already managed to trick me into getting myself killed.**

**EB: well, in another timeline at least.**

**AG: Man.**

**AG: That was pro8a8ly Terezi! I should have known she would pull something like that. What a meddler.**

**EB: terezi?**

**AG: Yes. The pesky 8lind troll who licks her monitor and smells words and stuff. The one who got you killed. I'm sure of it!**

**EB: huh. it never really occurred to me to ask what your names are.**

**EB: kinda rude of me!**

**EB: what is yours?**

**AG: Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. ::::)**

**EB: man, that sounds so made up!**

**EB: but if you say so, marquise.**

**AG: Spinneret! Marquise is a title, stupid.**

**EB: oh, ok.**

**AG: And you don't have to worry a8out me manipul8ting you to your death!**

**AG: It is completely 8eneath me. Unlike her, I plan on taking the high road.**

**AG: You see John, you and I actually have some things in common, 8ut you couldn't possi8ly understand why yet.**

**AG: So I'm planning on helping you!**

**EB: ok, i will be sure to let my guard down.**

**EB: psyche!**

**EB: oh damn, that was 9 !'s.**

**EB: !1**

**EB: shit!**

**EB: never mind.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha.**

**EB: anyway, nice meeting you spinneret.**

**EB: if you don't mind, i would like to try to go back to sleep.**

**EB: i was dreaming about something important.**

**AG: You can't sleep now, John!**

**AG: What a8out J8de?**

**EB: oh god, i forgot!**

**EB: poor jade... :(**

**EB: i hope she is alright.**

**AG: She's fine. I can see her right now!**

**AG: 8ut she will not 8e for long if you don't get her into your session.**

**EB: yeah, you're right.**

**EB: i have to hurry and go save her!**

**EB: see ya!**

**AG: Wait!**

**AG: Where the hell do you think you're going to go? You don't even have your copy of the game yet!**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: duh, stupid stupid dumb.**

**EB: do you know where i am supposed to get it?**

**AG: Easy! Just w8 around for a few minutes.**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: ok?**

**AG: See, John? You need me to advance.**

**AG: Even though you were going to do this stuff anyway, it turns out I am the reason you were going to do it anyway in the first place!**

**AG: Your timeline is my we8, and suddenly you are all tangled up in it, wriggling and helpless.**

**AG: Isn't that cooooooool?**

**EB: meh.**

**EB: so, you seem to like 8's a whole bunch, and i guess you are like, kind of spidery themed or something?**

**AG: Yeah!**

**EB: haha, spiders are gross!**

**AG: Fuck you!**

After w8ng around for a few minutes, the server envelope flew out of a Parcel Pyxis and landed in John's hands. He finally had the copy of the SBURB beta. Yeah!

Bec transported Jade to safety and she landed, still on her bed. Her lunchtop, some squiddles, and a manthro chap or two, surrounded her. John began pestering her, but before she could answer, she fell asleep in a sudden fit of narcolepsy.

Back on the Battlefield, WV stood in a river that had once only contained water. Now the clear liquid was tainted with blood. Everyone was dead. Except him.

The rag of souls he was wearing began to soak in the blood of the fallen. He supposed it could be poetic. No, instead he thought it was just sad. He'd been very foolish to believe he could be a leader of men. Look at what bearing that flag had wrought. Perhaps one day he'd find something new to bear; a burden befitting of the peasant he truly was.

Oh my, what was that shiny thing in the water? Some kind of ring, it looked like.

**EB: jade is not answering!**

**EB: are you sure she's ok?**

**AG: She's asleep!**

**AG: She sure seems to sleep a lot. She sort of reminds me of my goo8er teamm8.**

**AG: He napped through most of the adventure, and was practically useless.**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: you mean carcino geneticist?**

**AG: Hahahaha, no way! Karkat is so up tight, he hardly slept a wink over the whole 600 hour span of our quest.**

**AG: He didn't even wake up on the moon until AFTER we won the game, hahahahahahahaha.**

**AG: What a loser.**

**EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that.**

**EB: beep beep, meow!**

**EB: i will have to remember to give him a hard time about that.**

**AG: John, you are pretty weird! I can see why you would piss him off so much.**

**EB: it is really not hard to do that.**

**AG: Tell me a8out it!**

**AG: Speaking of telling me a8out things...**

**AG: Why don't you tell me what you were just dreaming a8out that was so important, fellow Prospit dreamer?**

**AG: Prospit is the 8est. Derse is where all the rejects hang out. Am I right?**

**EB: i never even saw prospit.**

**EB: aside from flaming bits and pieces of it i guess.**

**EB: something happened, and it blew up, and dream jade died, and then i was wandering around this place that was like a chess board with a huge crater in it, with loads of dead black and white guys everywhere.**

**AG: Yes, I know all that! That place is the 8attlefield, which is where your dream self lives now. You will appear there any time you go to sleep.**

**AG: Prospit dreamers are supposed to end up there eventually. If they're any good, that is. ::::)**

**AG: 8ut you got there so much sooner. Normally a dreamer's journey to the 8attlefield will not 8e so spectacularly sudden and violent. Meteoric, if you will!**

**EB: oh, huh.**

**AG: 8ut you didn't answer my question! What was so important that you wanted to go 8ack to sleep again for?**

**EB: my dad was there.**

**AG: What's that?**

**EB: um, you know...**

**EB: my guardian?**

**AG: Oh, you mean the adult male human who lived in your hive?**

**EB: yes. if by hive you mean house.**

**AG: Haha, I was wondering a8out that. I was like, what the hell is this guy doing in this kid's hive? Where is his lusus? Is he an orphan contending with some sort of meddlesome grownup squatter?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: these observations are very alien of you.**

**EB: but that's pretty cool i guess, seeing as you are an alien.**

**AG: Yes, I just chalked it up as generic alien weirdness and didn't think too much a8out it. Just another series of strange exhi8its from an inferior civiliz8tion.**

**EB: the funny thing is, he is not even really my dad.**

**EB: i mean, i was adopted by him, although we are not actually unrelated, i think.**

**EB: he is the son of my grandmother, who isn't really my grandmother...**

**EB: nanna is sort of like my biological mother, and my biological father would be jade's grandpa, sorta.**

**EB: both of which i just created, with slime and stuff, and sent back in time as babies.**

**EB: so i guess, if anything, that makes my dad...**

**EB: my half brother?**

**AG: ::::\**

**EB: tell me about it!**

John got back in the rocket board and began to blast off back to his hive… I mean house.

**AG: W8! 8efore you wander too far off course like a doofus, you need to know how to get to a return node!**

**AG: So you can get 8ack to your computer. Here, hang on, I am making you a map.**

**EB: but i know where i'm going!**

**EB: terezi already made me a map.**

**AG: What!**

**EB: first she made a really crappy one, then a really nice one that works kind of like google.**

**EB: she started helping me after she tried to kill me.**

**AG: Ugh. She is still trying to one up me I see. Even preempting my awesome helpfulness!**

**AG: When did she do that? I mean from my perspective? Do you think she already did it, or hasn't done it yet?**

**EB: wow, how could i possibly know that!**

**AG: I don't know. Forget it.**

**AG: I will show her though. I will show her the meaning of helpfulness.**

**AG: I will help this little human nerd under the ta8le. The very same ta8le you dined at, while I w8ted on you prong and fucking nu8.**

**EB: you mean like a candle light hate date?**

**AG: God, no! With a human? Gross.**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: well then, thanks, i guess?**

**EB: why do you want to be so helpful, anyway?**

**EB: i mean, with her i got the sense she was being kind of jokestery about it, which is something i can understand.**

**EB: but why bother helping, if we aren't going to win anyway?**

**AG: You won't win? Says who?**

**EB: you guys.**

**EB: it is practically all you ever say.**

**AG: Well, ok yes, you are screwed. And so are we.**

**AG: 8ut so what!**

**AG: Just 8ecause you are going to fail doesn't mean it won't 8e any fun along the way!**

**AG: 8y the looks of things, you have a very exciting 24 hours ahead of you.**

**AG: It'll 8e one hell of a reckoning!**

**EB: that is nice to know.**

**AG: Yes, and 8esides. Continuing on this path and 8ringing Jade into the game I think you will agree is very important! **

**AG: And not just 8ecause she is your friend and you would 8e kind of upset if she died. **

**AG: Again. **

**EB: yes, i think i would be.**

**EB: but why else?**

**AG: 8ecause you need to complete your prototyping chain! **

**AG: Only when all players have entered with a prototyped kernel does the 8attlefield assume its final form. **

**AG: That form prepares Skaia to grow the new universe you will cre8te. **

**AG: Or in this case, fail to cre8te. 8ut whatever! **

**AG: That is no reason to deter you from completing worthwhile game o8jectives. **

**EB: we are supposed to create a universe?**

**AG: Yeah! You didn't realize that yet? **

**EB: no!**

**AG: 8oy. How clueless can you get. **

**EB: why are we supposed to do that?**

**AG: What a stupid question! It is the point of the game. It's what happens when you win, and winning is the only point of anything. **

**EB: oh. that's true, i guess.**

**AG: Anyway, you should 8e glad it's the point. And you should 8e glad your predecessors were not such a sad sack group of players like you guys. **

**AG: Otherwise your universe would not exist, seeing as we cre8ted it 8y 8eing incredi8le in every way. **

**EB: you did?**

**AG: Yep. You're welcome. ::::D **

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: i don't know what to think about that.**

**AG: Not knowing what to think a8out things appears to 8e your specialty! **

**EB: hurrrrr oh man what a burn!**

**EB: (j/k it was actually lame.)**

**AG: ::::P **

**EB: well to be honest, i never really believed any of your guys's doom and gloom nonsense.**

**EB: not because i think you are lying...**

**EB: i just feel like there must still be a way to win!**

**AG: That's the spirit, John! **

**AG: That is a winner's attitude, and there is always hope for someone who has that. **

**EB: yes, i agree.**

**EB: also, there is always hope for someone who has good friends to count on!**

**AG: Pff. **

**AG: Laaaaaaaame.**

John flew through past a throng of bubble-blowing salamanders to the gate back to his room. He landed in the midst of three imps. His computer monitor lay broken on the floor amidst shards of glass from the obliterated window. His desk had been completely upturned.

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMPS!" John said angrily, shaking his fist at the miserable creatures. "That is IT! EVERYBODY OUT! I am _dead serious_!" The imps left the room, quaking with fear. "Will you look at this mess!" he fumed. "Will you just _look_ at this slightly bigger than usual mess?"

He looked out the window. The imps had chucked his computer out the window, the little oily bastards. He'd have to get his hands on a new one somehow.

John looked at his posters. The imps had ripped them apart. This was just insult to injury. He almost wanted to cry.

Just look at that ruined Nick Cage face. A sad face. A forlorn face. A buzzing face… no, actually, that was his PDA.

**AG: John, why are you standing around wasting time?**

**EB: um, i don't know. you can see my future, can't you?**

**EB: how much time am i wasting?**

**AG: Enough to make me wonder what the hell your deal is!**

**EB: then i would venture to guess i am wasting time because you chose to pester me just now!**

**AG: Dammit, John.**

**AG: Stop sounding smarter than me. It is un8ecoming of someone so inferior.**

**EB: i mean, i was just pausing for a moment...**

**EB: to look at my trashed movie posters.**

**EB: they bring back memories, of a life that i guess is long gone now.**

**EB: but you probably know what that is all about.**

**AG: Yeah, I know.**

**EB: it wasn't even that long ago, but it already seems like forever since i was on earth!**

**EB: it was a pretty nice place, i bet you would have liked it.**

**AG: It seems a little too sunny for my liking.**

**EB: well, what about you? do you miss your planet, and your parents and such?**

**AG: The life I left 8ehind wasn't so hot, to 8e honest.**

**EB: oh. that's too bad.**

**AG: Why don't we not talk a8out that!**

**AG: What are these movies, anyway? They look just awful.**

**EB: but you see, that is where you are wrong. these films are the finest earth has to offer!**

**AG: Are they a8out clowns?**

**EB: no, no. i drew those clowns in my sleep, for some reason.**

**AG: ::::|**

**EB: this one here is so great. it is about this street tough renegade who did hard time behind bars, and wants nothing more in the world than to reunite with his loving wife and daughter. but not so fast! he has to go on crazy and dangerous escapades through the sky with a motley assortment of rogues led by john malkovich, who is wise to cage's heroic nature and pure heart. they tether a grumpy police man's awesome car to the plane and smash it, and then later they crash into some casinos. cage gets out of the wreckage and hugs his family, and i usually tear up a little.**

**EB: that is my working troll title for the movie, i hope it was ok.**

**AG: John, even though your title is quite amusing and pro8a8ly kind of cute, that movie sounds hilariously 8ad!**

**EB: yeah, well you are hilariously WRONG!**

**EB: here, hang on, i will show you.**

**EB: **** /hullohumminburr**

**EB: oh, but you will probably have to use your troll thingy to rewind time or whatever, to before the earth internet blew up so you can watch it.**

**AG: Is this like the Earth equivalent of Gru8tu8e or something?**

**EB: i guess?**

**AG: Man. I am not watching this shitty video. It looks so 8ad!**

**EB: ok, suit yourself.**

**EB: but there it is, in case you are ever hankering after some incredible movie magic.**

**AG: Ok, I will 8e sure 8ookmark it and la8el it "dum8 kid's retarded nonsense."**

**EB: ok, good idea.**

**AG: 8y the way! Why aren't you using your computer glasses to talk suddenly?**

**AG: This device seems less efficient, and doesn't look as cool!**

**EB: oh, the goggles are cool and all, but they kind of restrict my vision stupidly when i'm using them!**

**EB: i should remember to make a new hands-free device, that is less obtrusive.**

**EB: maybe after i make a new computer so i can install this game.**

**AG: How will you duplic8 it? Isn't it smashed out there on your lawnring? **

**EB: yeah, but i can use one of my old previously punched cards.**

**AG: Oh, gr8. **

**AG: Uh... **

**AG: John? **

**EB: what?**

**AG: Ok, I will slide you a 8r8k 8ecause clearly your 8lock was just ransacked. **

**AG: 8ut may8e you want to put that away? Somewhere discreet, where you usually keep it? **

**AG: There is at least one girl spying on you right now, you know. **

**EB: put what away? what are you talking about?**

**AG: Your pail is showing, stupid!**

John walked over to the bucket on the ground. It had once contained water that Nannaquin had dumped on his head.

**EB: my pail?**

**EB: you mean this bucket here?**

**AG: Yes! Come on, will you take a hint and show some decorum?**

**EB: umm...**

**EB: i'm really not following. what do you have against buckets?**

**AG: Man! Nothing, really. It's just...**

**AG: Ok, may8e humans don't really have any sense of shame over this sort of thing?**

**EB: shame over what?**

**EB: it's just a bucket! you know, for putting soapy water in and cleaning stuff with.**

**EB: why, what do trolls use them for?**

**AG: Oh.**

**AG: Haha, yeah, of course!**

**AG: That's what I was talking a8out. Your cleaning 8ucket.**

**AG: In troll culture we consider cleaning products to 8e really indecent or something!**

**AG: I am 8lushing furiously a8out it right now. Please try to 8e sensitive to my cultural ways and understandings.**

**EB: wow... uh. that is definitely pretty odd.**

**EB: but ok, i'm sorry you saw my bucket. i will just chuck it out the window i guess.**

**AG: Thank you, John. That is very gentlemanly of you.**

**AG: Now will you quit shitting around and get on with it! God.**

**EB: well i was GOING to but you started babbling at me!**

**EB: jeez, spinneret.**

**AG: That isn't my real name, you dope!**

**EB: ok, then what is it!**

**AG: I ain't telling you that!**

**AG: It's a sekret. :::;)**

**EB: *ROLLS EYES***

**EB: all eight gross spidery eyes!**

**EB: oops i mean !x8.**

**AG: You don't even need to say that. I can see you rolling your eyes, remem8er?**

**EB: oh yeah.**

John tossed the sordid receptacle out the window and went out to his balcony. What a surprise, more lousy imps having their way with the place. He wondered where Nanna could be. Someone needed to get this motley assortment of rogues under control.

Now what in the hell was going on over there? One of the imps held a broom in both hands. John had got to get rid of the embarrassing cleaning apparatus before Sekret Spinneret or whatever her name was saw it and got upset.

"Get that shit outta here!" he yelled, and kicked the imp in the face. The underling and the broom went sailing off the edge. Sheesh. Being culturally sensitive was really hard work.

John looked up and gasped. His house had nearly octupled in size since he'd last seen it. Someone's server player had been busy.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**EB: hey rose!**

**TT: Hi.**

**EB: how are you doing? i don't even remember the last time we talked.**

**EB: i have been so busy.**

**EB: and it looks like you have been too.**

**EB: i mean, hopy shit!**

**EB: my house is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!**

**TT: Actually, building up your house has been one of the more trivial ways I've passed the time.**

**TT: Great swaths of the structure may be copied and pasted with little architectural consideration.**

**TT: I've only bothered to do so while in contemplation.**

**TT: It's relaxing.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: well, it must have cost a fortune!**

**TT: We have a lot of grist.**

**EB: how much?**

**TT: I don't recall any hard figures off hand.**

**TT: Last I checked, more than a million units of several different types.**

**TT: Torrented between the three of us.**

**EB: torrented?**

**TT: Shared, through an application.**

**TT: I unlocked the disc from your registry, and deployed it.**

**TT: I convinced your nanna to install it on your computer.**

**TT: Before an imp threw it out the window, that is.**

**EB: you got her to do that? but she's an old lady! also, a ghost.**

**TT: My methods of persuasion have been improving.**

**EB: also, she is really tricky, and plays lots of pranks.**

**EB: did she try to prank you?**

**TT: No.**

**EB: huh.**

**EB: i guess you enjoyed the prankster's gambit on that exchange then.**

**TT: ?**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: what's up with the alchemiter?**

**EB: it looks weird.**

**TT: Upgrades.**

**EB: did you get nanna to do that too?**

**TT: No, your consorts were utilized for that.**

**EB: the salamanders?**

**TT: Yes. They seem eager to receive simple instruction.**

**TT: I'm guessing they find their way back to your house to allow the client player to remain productive while the server player is away.**

**EB: they aren't very smart...**

**TT: No, they aren't.**

**EB: i'm surprised they even understand what to do.**

**TT: Like I said.**

**TT: Coercion hasn't been much of a problem.**

**EB: yeah...**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: what exactly does that mean?**

**EB: what have you been doing this whole time?**

**TT: Why don't you tell me what you've been up to first?**

**TT: I've been curious, but too preoccupied to inquire.**

**EB: well,**

**EB: i have been talking to a lot of trolls, for one thing.**

**EB: they sure are a talkative bunch!**

**TT: I've noticed.**

**EB: and then i cloned some slime babies in the veil.**

**TT: Did you?**

**EB: yes. um...**

**EB: ok, long story short is, jade is my slime clone sister, and dave is your slime clone brother, and we were all born today!**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: yes?**

**TT: I figured that out.**

**EB: oh.**

**TT: Anything else?**

**EB: umm...**

**EB: then i fell asleep, and woke up on the battlefield.**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: rose, i am fairly sure i saw your mom!**

**TT: You did?**

**TT: Are you sure it was her?**

**EB: well, it was a nice and proper looking lady, with a pink scarf, so...**

**EB: i dunno, who else would that be!**

**TT: That was likely her.**

**TT: How was she?**

**EB: fine, i guess...**

**EB: she was with my dad.**

**TT: That's interesting.**

**EB: yeah!**

**TT: Did she seem happy?**

**EB: happy?**

**EB: wow, i dunno.**

**EB: i don't really know her well enough to say, i guess?**

**EB: plus, i was a little distracted.**

**EB: maybe i will find out next time i go to sleep.**

**TT: Fair enough.**

**EB: now stop being so spookily mysterious and tell me what you've been doing!**

**TT: Investigating, mostly.**

**EB: investigating what?**

**TT: Everything there is to investigate.**

**TT: Information hidden in the lore of our lands, concealed in ruins and riddles.**

**TT: I'm looking for whatever there is to discover about the game, and more importantly, whatever exceeds its boundaries.**

**TT: The cloaked traces of myth beyond its scope.**

**EB: its scope?**

**EB: oh, rose, did you know that we are supposed to be creating a universe with this game?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: i think that's pretty neat!**

**TT: It is, in principle.**

**TT: But it won't happen.**

**EB: so you believe the trolls then?**

**TT: It's not a matter of believing them.**

**TT: The writing is on the wall. Literally.**

**EB: it is?**

**TT: This session was never meant to bear fruit.**

**TT: It's barren, so to speak.**

**EB: that's a bit of a bummer!**

**EB: i am still skeptical about that, though.**

**TT: That's why you're our leader, John.**

**EB: huh?**

**TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is a defect not everyone is lucky enough to be cursed with.**

**EB: that's stupid.**

**EB: i'm not your leader, i am your FRIEND, there is a BIG difference!**

**TT: Statements like that are also why you're our leader.**

**EB: pff.**

**EB: laaaaaaaame.**

**TT: Yes, kind of.**

**EB: so, if you're sure that we are going to fail...**

**EB: what is the point of everything we're doing?**

**TT: Simple.**

**TT: The objective is no longer to win.**

**EB: um...**

**EB: i mean, what are we actually shooting for here?**

**TT: To do as much damage to the game as possible.**

**TT: To rip its stitches and pry answers from the seams.**

**TT: We will snatch purpose from the jaws of futility.**

**TT: Are you ready to wreak some havoc, John?**

**EB: i suddenly don't understand anything.**


	75. Book 5 Chapter 11: The Horseshitometer

Chapter 11: Kanaya's Horseshitometer

A pink turtle consort quaked with fear, a drop of sweat dripping down its face, as Rose walked by. She wore a long black dress with a white squiddle skull on it and a pink scarf, which she'd tied around her waist.

She held her hand behind her. "Salamancer. Wand, please." The salamander handed it to her. He (unless she was a she or not of any gender at all) was wearing a black cape with a hood that obscured most of his face. He also wore a purple striped scarf around his neck.

"Thank you, Viceroy," she said graciously. In her opinion, it was way more dramatic relying on a familiar than a boring old sylladex.

Before her was a large platform, upon which rested a pink castle of some sort. Rose raised her wand and the platform began to rise out of the rainbow water.

The pink turtle began to sweat even more as other turtles flew around it in a large whirlwind.

Someone began trolling her. Oh great, what did this girl want? Couldn't she see that Rose was in the middle of something?

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This**

**GA: But Actually**

**GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd**

**GA: And Somehow**

**GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least**

**GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach**

**GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand**

**TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.**

**GA: Okay Sorry**

**GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say**

**GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide**

Kanaya stood on the meteor, somewhere near Nepeta and Sollux. This was in a different game session. In the past. She stepped over to her computer, which was next to Vriska's, and bothered Karkat.

**grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**GA: Your Speech Was Really**

**GA: Emotional**

**CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW.**

**CG: I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT. I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP OK?**

**CG: AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON'T YOU COME SAY IT TO MY FACE.**

**CG: I'M FED UP WITH THESE BACK DOOR NOOKBITING SHENANIGANS.**

**GA: I Dont Mean To Critique Your Speech**

**GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence**

**GA: About The Humans**

**CG: OK, WHAT IS IT?**

**GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune**

**CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.**

**GA: Was It On Account Of Malice Or Incompetence**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BOTH?**

**CG: WHY DOES IT MATTER.**

**GA: It Sort Of Does**

**GA: Im Not Even That Sure Why**

**GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach**

**GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand**

**CG: GOD DAMMIT.**

**CG: NO MORE MYSTERIES, PLEASE.**

**CG: YOU'D THINK WE'D HAD OUR FILL OF THEM BY NOW.**

**CG: IF I HAVE TO SOLVE ONE MORE RIDDLE, I'M GOING TO...**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW.**

**GA: Will Your Response Involve An Athletic Maneuver Of Some Sort**

**CG: NO**

**CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.**

**CG: I WILL JUST GO OVER THERE AND WEEP GENTLY IN THE HORN PILE.**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?**

**GA: Um**

**CG: WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS**

**CG: THEY ARE ALL LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT.**

**CG: SOFT, PINK FRAGILE THINGS WHO DO NOTHING BUT WASTE TIME.**

**CG: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HORNS!**

**GA: What**

**GA: Really**

**CG: YEAH, I WAS LIKE, WHOA DID THEY GET FILED DOWN OR SOMETHING**

**CG: BUT NO IT TURNS OUT THAT'S JUST HOW THEY ARE.**

**GA: Weird**

**CG: THEY'RE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET.**

**CG: IT'S INFURIATING THEY WERE SOMEHOW ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER US.**

**GA: It Is Pretty Disheartening**

**GA: But**

**GA: You Are Absolutely Sure They Are All Failures**

**GA: And That They Have No Chance Of Succeeding**

**CG: YEP.**

**CG: IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.**

**GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More**

**GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: YOU'RE BEING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THIS.**

**GA: Well I Havent Asked What I Wanted To Ask**

**CG: THEN ASK!**

**GA: Its About TentacleTherapist**

**CG: YEAH. THAT'S THE ROSE HUMAN.**

**CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC.**

**CG: IT'S IN MY NOTES.**

**GA: You Have Notes On Them**

**CG: YES.**

**GA: I Guess**

**GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat**

**CG: NO, I'M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I'M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.**

**GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader**

**CG: OK, I'LL ACCEPT THAT.**

**GA: Have You Talked To Her**

**CG: WHO**

**GA: The Rose Human**

**GA: Also**

**GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human**

**CG: OF COURSE WE DO.**

**CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL.**

**CG: I MEAN, IF A BUNCH OF ALIENS STARTED HASSLING YOU, YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO ACT REALLY HIGH AND MIGHTY, AND SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?.**

**CG: WHICH WE ARE, OF COURSE.**

**GA: Uh Okay**

**CG: AND NO, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER.**

**CG: I WILL PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF HER FOR THE MOST PART.**

**CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE'S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO.**

**GA: It Just**

**GA: Feels Really Silly When We Say Things Like The John Human In Confidence Amongst Ourselves**

**CG: WE HAVE TO COMMIT TO THIS. STAY IN CHARACTER, YOU KNOW?**

**CG: REMEMBER THE SPEECH.**

**GA: The Speech Has Become Emblazoned On My Think Pan**

**GA: Virtually Ensconced In The Fold Of My Personal Mythology**

**CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING?**

**CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.**

**GA: I Dont Know**

**GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now**

**CG: COME ON. YOU'LL BE GREAT AT IT.**

**CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE'VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS.**

**CG: TOO MANY OF THESE FUCKS ARE GOING ROGUE.**

**CG: LIKE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING.**

**GA: Fine**

**CG: GREAT! THANKS KANAYA.**

**CG: I'LL EXPECT A FULL REPORT SOON.**

**GA: A Report About What**

**CG: LIKE**

**CG: HOW HASSLED YOU GOT HER TO BE**

**CG: BUT LESS STUPID SOUNDING THAN THAT.**

**GA: Is There A Metric For That Concept**

**CG: NO**

**CG: WELL THERE COULD BE**

**CG: WE CAN GAUGE YOUR RESULTS WITH THE "FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER".**

**GA: That Seems Just As Disparaging To Me As It Is To Her**

**CG: YEAH WELL**

**CG: USE IT AS MOTIVATION**

**CG: I GOTTA GET CRACKING HERE, LATER.**

Kanaya began trolling the Rose human, even though she wasn't really feeling this at all. She couldn't seem to figure out how to get the viewport feature to work. She muddled through the first conversation blind. Rose had not proven to be the intellectual adversary she'd anticipated. But this was no longer all that surprising, now knowing the true fate of the humans' team.

Nevertheless, Kanaya managed to find herself vehemently fondling the short end of the antagonism stick. The Flight Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer ticked a few notches in her favor. Her aggravation and curiosity were simultaneously piqued. She wished she could get a look at Rose.

She explained this frustration to Sollux and then threw her F1 key at him, hitting him on the head. The Gemini troll walked to her computer and opened the viewport. "There you are," he said.

There she was. The Rose girl. How underwhelming. No horns. Skin as white as a ghost! How did she manage to look in a mirror without falling asleep? Kanaya resumed her stance of alien complacency. The Snarky Horseshitometer ticked back in her favor.

She continued to spy on the Rose human. What was that nonsense she'd written on her walls? Why was the Totem Lathe sliced in half? The idiot! In truth, John had broken off the top of the Lathe when he burst in the side of Rose's hive, but Kanaya had no way of knowing this.

Suddenly, the Rose human opened her door wider and a pail fell onto her head. Oh dear god! This exhibit of depravity maxed out Kanaya's side of the Horseshitometer. She'd had this girl all wrong. Rose was an utter buffoon.

Kanaya covered her screen with her hand and looked around nervously. The only person nearby was Gamzee, who didn't even seem to care. The Horshitometer swung back to Rose's side, as she had inadvertently caused the troll to flush with the shame of one thousand cocoon-wetting children.

"You won this time, Lalonde," she whispered. She needed to put some distance between herself and that egregious display, so she jumped back in time to something that seemed simpler. It was probably better to mess with her earlier on the timeline rather than later anyway.

Rose appeared to be awaiting a name. "Hmm," Kanaya said, and then typed 'Flighty Broad' into her computer. Rose's face contorted in rage.

"Why, Ms. Lalonde," the troll said, "it does appear you have once again fallen out of favor with the Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer." She leaned closer to her computer. "Your move, therapist."

She turned around and caught Vriska staring at her. The spider troll shook her head, seemingly bemused, then looked back at her computer screen.

Kanaya rested her head on her hand. This was boring. Where was the challenge in teasing a mentally retarded alien girl? Her stupid walkthrough had probably been plagiarized from another more advanced civilization or something. Maybe bothering her friends would be more interesting.

**grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling ghostyTrickster ****[GT]**

**GA: Hello**

**GT: hi...?**

**GA: Allow Me To Make This Simple**

**GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction**

**GA: Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species**

**GA: A Reason**

**GA: Any Reason At All Really**

**GA: To Justify Wasting The Few Precious Remaining Moments Of My Life On You**

**GA: It Has Fallen On Your Shoulders To Supply Me With That Reason John Human**

**GA: Go**

**GT: ha ha, what?**

**GA: What Indeed**

**GA: I Was Just Leaving**

**GT: so you're a time traveler?**

**GA: No**

**GA: We Dont Actually Travel Through**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Not All Of Us Do**

**GA: One Of Us Does Though**

**GA: Thats Not What We Are Talking About Here And Is Aside From The Point**

**GT: so let me see if i have this straight...**

**GT: you are a time traveling space alien from the future, sent here to study humans?**

**GA: No**

**GT: are you from mars? is it a mission of peace?**

**GA: No John You Werent Listening**

**GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason.**

**GA: Damn It**

**GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess...**

**GA: What The Hell**

**GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe?**

**GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome.**

**GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet... but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise.**

**GT: and then she went home and nobody believed her, but you just KNOW mcconaughey believed her.**

**GT: because he had all the faith. and i mean ALL OF IT.**

**GT: anyway, does that have any applicability to your cosmic interstellar astrojourney?**

**GA: Okay Youre Even Dumber Than The Rose Human Thats Incredible Really**

**GT: pff, i know i'm dumber than rose, that is not much of a burn, dude!**

**GA: Im A Girl Not A Boy**

**GT: oh, sorry.**

**GT: i don't know why i thought you were.**

**GA: It Happens**

**GT: were you trolling rose too?**

**GT: TIME TRAVEL TROLLING?**

**GA: Yes As A Matter Of Fact**

**GT: oh boy, let me go put on my quantum space hat, and extra terrestrial adventure boots, and you can tell me all about it.**

**GA: If You Werent So Stupid Id Suspect You Were Being Insincere For The Benefit Of Your Amusement**

**GT: ha ha ha. i don't follow!**

**GA: I Just Spoke To Her In The Future**

**GA: Shes An Imbecile And Conveying How Much I Dislike Her At This Point Presents An Overwhelming Gauntlet Of Personal Expression**

**GA: But Regardless She Said To Paste Something From Our Conversation**

**GA: To Get You To Understand Whats Going On**

**GA: I Have Strong Doubts It Will Be Effective But Here Goes**

**GA: GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works**

**GA: GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like**

**GA: TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.**

**GA: TT: you look kind of like... **

**GA: TT: howie mandel from little monsters. **

**GA: TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. **

**GA: TT: because he was a big goofy adult. **

**GA: TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.**

**GA: GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest **

**GA: TT: no, it's a movie. **

**GA: TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is. **

**GT: hahaha! oh man, you blew it!**

**GT: now i know for sure you're trolling me. rose hates that movie.**

**GA: Are You Suggesting**

**GA: I Was Being Trolled**

**GA: That It Was A Charade Meant To Make Me Look Foolish**

**GT: possibly! i know that sure didn't sound like her.**

**GT: but i think it's more likely that you made it all up cause you know i like that movie.**

**GT: so i tip my cap to you, well played miss troll!**

**GA: Now Im Wondering If You Might Be Trolling Me As Well**

**GT: ok well, just between you and me...**

**GT: SOMEONE here is getting trolled.**

**GT: and it just might be all three of us.**

**GA: Okay**

**GT: but you shoulda told me you liked little monsters!**

**GT: we could jam about that. what was your favorite part?**

**GA: Suspicions Pitching Once Again Toward The Conclusion That You Are Just Very Stupid**

**GT: i really want to get a little monsters poster, but they're hard to find!**

**GT: i asked my dad for one for christmas. fingers crossed!**

**GA: Im Guessing Thats The Human Equivalent Of 12th Perigees Eve**

**GA: Will Your Adult Human Custodian Forage For Leavings As Ours Do**

**GT: yup, that sure keeps sounding alien of you.**

**GT: keep up the good work!**

**GT: listen, i'm kind of busy, i have to wrap this present and mail it in a hurry.**

**GT: so i'm going to block you!**

**GT: but i might unblock you again soon, because you're kinda cool.**

**GA: Your Blocks Mean Nothing But Dont Worry You Wont Hear From Me Again**

**GT: yeah well...**

**GT: you might just hear from me!**

**GT: also, you should give rose another chance.**

**GT: she is really great! whatever she did, she was probably just pulling her mind games on you, it's all in fun.**

**GT: there is more to her than that, you'll see.**

**GT: bye!**

**ghostyTrickster ****[GT]** **blocked grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]**

But just as John stood up to wrap his present to Jade, someone else started pestering him. "AUGH!" he yelled. "Stupid trolls." It looked like the package was going to be late.


	76. Book 5 Chapter 12: The Friendship Game

Holy shit guys I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever! I've been getting into roleplaying (I even got my own oc troll shirt I'm such homestuck trash XD) and I have a girlfriend now and and school started and I was busy... so so sowwy everyone ;-; I have the story done up until about Act 6 Intermission 2, but it will take a while to upload it so stay tuned over the next day or two I'll try to post it all. Merry Christmas guise. Thanks for all the positive reviews! ^~^

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 12: The Friendship Game

Kanaya looked at her viewport again. The conversations with the other two humans, the Jade and Dave characters, hadn't gone that well either. It must be something about the human intellect, and a specific posture it assumed. Particularly when a particular subject was broached.

And yet… Her curiosity. It remained piqued. How maddening. Earth was surprisingly pretty. It seemed very… bright.

She selected Rose's timeline and saw her standing in the snow. The girl wore a pink winter coat and earmuffs. She'd built a snowman with a cat face.

Ok, Kanaya had to admit that was a nice outfit. Humans got points for fashion too. She begrudgingly conceded a single Snarktick on the Horseshitometer to the stylish human and her loyal snowlusus.

In a little while, Rose was back in her hive. Kanaya prepared an ambush. This time, the fashionable, hand-crafted gloves were coming off.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Why Is It That When The Subject Of Temporal Mechanics Is Broached Your Sparing Human Intellects Instantly Assume The Most Ingratiating Posture Of Surrender Imaginable**

**GA: Time Is Not That Difficult To Understand**

**GA: It Is A Utility That A Universe May Resort To In Order To Advance A Desired Degree Of Complexity**

**GA: Or May Not Resort To If That Is The Case**

**GA: Its All Pretty Pedestrian**

**GA: But No **

**GA: When Time Travel Comes Up You Present The Face That A Man Shows When The Breeze Gradually Alerts Him To His Absence Of Netherdressings**

**GA: I Dont See How We Are To Properly Agitate You All If You Continue To Insist On Failing To Understand Basic Concepts Which Common Infants Effortlessly Manage To Describe Via Scrawlings In Their Own Puddles Of Sloppy Discharge**

**TT: Have we spoken before?**

**GA: Yes **

**GA: In The Future**

**TT: You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions.**

**GA: Oh My It Is Your Human Sarcasm Again**

**GA: I Enjoy Listening To It And I Wish Doing So Could Serve As My Primary Form Of Recreation**

**GA: There See I Just Did It Too**

**GA: Saying The Opposite Thing To Emphasize My Contempt**

**GA: But Suddenly I Feel More Primitive And Hate Myself A Little More**

**GA: It Was Like This Funny Miracle That Just Happened In My Heart**

**TT: I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction.**

**TT: But I won't be rude and change the subject.**

**TT: There's a still a bit of unflagellated straw poking out of your rhetorical effigy over here.**

**GA: Oh Dear**

**GA: No We Arent From "The Future"**

**GA: But We Are All Already In Agreement That You Dont Get It And Never Will**

**TT: I thought you said we spoke in the future.**

**GA: We Did**

**GA: Your Future**

**GA: For Me It Was Only A Couple Minutes Ago**

**TT: I understand.**

**TT: You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline.**

**TT: It's not that complicated.**

**GA: Yes Thats Right**

**GA: Will You Try To Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot Friends**

**GA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms**

**TT: I try to every day, with mixed results.**

**TT: But you see, it's not that I don't understand you.**

**TT: It's just that I don't believe you.**

**TT: Because it's nonsense.**

**TT: Albeit persistent and coordinated nonsense.**

**TT: Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time?**

**GA: I Will Admit This Campaign Of Provocation Wasnt All That Well Thought Out**

**GA: Dont Tell Anyone I Said That**

**TT: Alright.**

**TT: Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans.**

**TT: Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.**

**GA: Yeah Maybe**

**GA: Why Dont We Be Friends**

**TT: You want to be my friend?**

**GA: I Think So**

**GA: I Think Were Supposed To**

**GA: You Suggested As Much Earlier**

**TT: You mean I did in the future?**

**GA: Yes A Couple Minutes Ago**

**TT: Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now?**

**GA: Thats Likely**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing.**

**TT: What choice do I have but to accept?**

Kanaya felt pretty good about her effort. It had been a measured balance of barbs and condescension. Her leader would be pleased with this report. And yet… it seemed the John human had been right. This was not the same Rose human she'd dealt with before. The girl had been toying with her all along. Oh, the curiosity. How it persisted. The maddening, maddening curiosity.

Her arbitration gauge decided on a draw. Snark reaped and sown in equal distribution. This was far from over.

Kanaya could only assume this was a somewhat typical way for human relationships to blossom. It seemed friendship for some humans was a basic aggregation of shallow and insincere hostilities. Human friendship sure was complicated.

She skipped ahead to a point in time when she suspected friendship may plausibly have been established already and had her third conversation.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Hello Again**

**GA: Are We Friends Yet At This Point In Time**

**GA: I Would Speculate That If We Are Not By Now Then It Is Probably Not To Be**

**TT: Pardon?**

**GA: Furthermore Which Rose Have You Chosen To Be This Time**

**GA: The Stupid Rose Or The Smart Rose**

**TT: I'm a little busy.**

**GA: It Sounds Like You Are Attempting To Be The Smart Rose This Time**

**GA: Please Take Note Of The Subtle Scorn Underlying The Selection Of The Word Attempting**

**GA: Smart Rose Should Get A Kick Out Of That**

**GA: Smart Rose Is All About Subtle Scorn Isnt She**

**TT: That sounds about right.**

**GA: Whereas Dumb Rose Doesn't Capitalize Letters Even When Discussing The Proper Names Of Human Monsters In Earth Cinema**

**GA: I Think You Should Establish A Greater Commitment To A Single Roleplaying Scenario**

**TT: Honestly, I was looking forward to playing along and reading your Dumb Rose script for our next conversation.**

**TT: But it turned out there was a perfectly logical explanation for it all.**

**TT: Imagine my disappointment.**

**TT: While I imagine yours, once you finally catch on.**

**GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything**

**GA: What Are You Talking About**

**TT: I'd love to explain in detail and cause some sort of time paradox.**

**TT: But you see - and this revelation may be as startling as any -**

**TT: I'm a little busy.**

**GA: I Believe I Understand**

**GA: It Was I Who Did Something To Provoke Your Scorn In A Previous Conversation**

**GA: One Which I Have Not Had Yet**

**TT: Yes, that is definitely a conclusion you have just now drawn.**

**TT: The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding.**

**TT: And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose.**

**TT: Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned?**

**TT: I'm busy.**

**TT: Goodbye.**

**GA: Fine**

Her fourth, fifth, and sixth conversations didn't fare much better. This friendship was stalling fast. What was she doing wrong? She was now getting her ass handed to her on a silver nutrition plateau. She was in serious need of a ploy to turn the tables in this duel of snarky one-upmanship. Some advice couldn't hurt, she supposed.

She decided to seek council from the Rose human's dark-spectacled friend.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**GA: You Command The Seer**

**GA: So You May Have Some Insight Into Her Disposition**

**TG: who**

**GA: The One Who Is A Little Snooty **

**TG: oh yeah sure**

**TG: i command her alright i am like the pimpmaster hustledaddy of all snippy bookshrews**

**GA: Thats An Exotic Title**

**GA: I Thought You Were The Knight**

**TG: wrong what do you want**

**GA: Have You Found Her Demeanor To Be Chilly**

**GA: On A Basis Of Personal Interaction That Hypothetically Extends Beyond The Context Of A Short Lived And Lackluster Trolling Effort**

**TG: what the hell**

**GA: I Thought Your Familiarity With Her May Allow You To Furnish Me Insight**

**GA: She And You Are Familiar Isnt That Right**

**GA: She Perhaps Even Regards You With Uh**

**GA: Endearment**

**TG: you have no idea dude she is so in my grill**

**TG: like a stray hotdog that rolled down there**

**TG: and now its too much trouble to fish out with the tongs**

**TG: so you just watch it like crack and turn black**

**GA: Um Is This**

**GA: A Common Sort Of Practice In Human Courtship**

**GA: Watching Oblong Meat Products Tumble Into Places They Dont Belong**

**TG: man wait**

**TG: whats this about**

**TG: you have a thing for her dont you**

**TG: dont deny it bro its obvious**

**GA: Am I Being Accused Of Falling Prey To The Human Dysfunction Of Amorous Inclination**

**TG: hahahaha so terrible**

**TG: what a transparent dodge**

**TG: all hiding behind your alien shit**

**TG: just admit it**

**TG: you want me to help you win her over**

**GA: I Just Would Like To Gather**

**GA: Some Means Of Gauging Her Sincerity**

**TG: ok well its easy**

**TG: for everything she says take her to mean just the opposite**

**TG: see not everybody always means literally what they say the way john and jade always do**

**GA: Maddening**

**GA: How Do Humans Forge Meaningful Relationships Using Such Communication Patterns**

**GA: Perhaps It Is The Human Riddle That Is Truly ****The Ultimate Riddle**

**TG: oh my flipping christ**

**TG: ok if you want rose to dig you you got to leave that crap in the shitty scifi novels where it belongs**

**GA: It Was Not A Sincere Remark**

**GA: I Have Been Practicing**

**GA: Your Human Sarcasm**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: that was pretty good**

**TG: maybe even too deadpan but its a start keep at it**

**GA: Very Well**

**GA: I Am Beginning To Feel As Though I Am The Only One Working On Our Friendship**

**TG: hahaha yes youre on a roll**

**GA: That Was Sincerity**

**TG: oh**

**TG: alright look**

**TG: if you want to keep her attention you got to pull out all the stops**

**TG: reverse psychology mind games all sorts of machiavellian bullshit**

**TG: i mean unless youre really smooth and inherently likeable like me which youre not**

**GA: Then**

**GA: Keep Saying The Opposite Things**

**TG: thats kind of the obtuse alien way of getting it but yeah**

**TG: be like**

**TG: an antagonism ninja**

**TG: like her**

**TG: i dont know you sort of remind me of her anyway so maybe thats a good thing**

**TG: it could be a horrible thing though**

**GA: It Sounds Like**

**GA: You Are Advising Me To Troll Her Again**

**GA: Which I Have Tried**

**GA: It Proved To Be A Fruitless Endeavor**

**TG: yeah i guess i am**

**TG: i guess im saying be a less shitty troll**

**GA: Okay**

**GA: I Believe I Understand How To Proceed**

**TG: good luck bro**

Kanaya put in motion a cunning plan in her seventh conversation with Rose, in which she'd attached a mission-critical text document.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You**

**GA: I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism**

**GA: What Do You Think About This**

**TT: I think you're shrewd to have recognized his ploy of sabotage, and you've earned my compliments.**

**GA: Ah See It Is Working Already**

**TT: What is?**

**GA: Ive Listened To His Advice**

**GA: And Have Resolved To Modify The Approach Slightly**

**GA: I Know What I Have To Do**

**GA: What We Have To Do Really**

**TT: What's that?**

**GA: Remember The First Time We Spoke**

**TT: Yes, but you said it wasn't the first time you spoke to me.**

**TT: We'll graciously omit my embarrassing skepticism however.**

**GA: The First Time You Spoke To Me Was The Second Time I Spoke To You**

**TT: This conversation doesn't sound like your first time either.**

**GA: This Is Your Second Conversation With Me But Is My Seventh With You**

**TT: And when exactly does your maiden encounter take place?**

**GA: Thats Next Time**

**TT: So to clarify.**

**TT: If the matching of my first with your second is denoted by 1=2, then the sequence would be:**

**TT: 1=2, 2=7, 3=1, 4=?, ...**

**GA: Yes And The Rest Of The Sequence Is Simply**

**GA: 4=3, 5=4, 6=5, 7=6**

**GA: Unless My Future Self Stowed Another Conversation In Between One Of Those Which Is Entirely Possible**

**GA: But Urrgh I Dont Want To Think About That**

**TT: Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing troll intellects etcetera etcetera.**

**GA: See That Is What I Mean Rose You Are Not As Dumb Of A Girl As I Was Initially Lead To Believe**

**TT: You mean based on the first impression I am apparently about to make in our next conversation?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: What could I possibly say that will leave such an imprint?**

**GA: That Is Why I Have Contacted You Now**

**GA: I Will Send You A Copy Our First Conversation Directly From My Chat Log**

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **sent tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **the file " " - **

**TT: I guess being forced to cooperate with a stable time loop is the only plausible explanation for my remarks.**

**GA: Yes And Then I Found It Sort Of Curious That During My Next Conversation With You Your Various Mental Endowments And Wherewithals Were Not As They Seemed**

**GA: I Suspected The Stratagem Might Be A Counter Trolling Measure But Then Was Not So Sure And Further Examination Grew Warrant**

**TT: And what if my counter-counter measure is to choose not to transcribe this dialogue accurately in the future-first place?**

**GA: But See I Have Edited The Copy Already In Ways That Will Remain Secret For Now But You Will Discover Once You Type It**

**GA: So You Are Destined To Edit It No Matter What And What You Submit Will Be What I Once Read Regardless**

**GA: !**

**TT: Unless I decide to copy it word-for-word!**

**GA: Yes Unless I Lied About Editing It In The First Place**

**GA: Either Way Through Knowledge Of What You Will Say I Have Precisely Engineered The Nature Of Your Transgression**

**GA: !**

**TT: So your trolling strategy now is to put idiotic words in my mouth through the machinery of temporal inevitability, and cause me to excruciate over how to subvert the transcription?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: While being perfectly up front about it?**

**GA: Yes I Suppose Its That Sarcasm All The Time Seems Laborious To Me**

**TT: I'll admit, it's a more advanced tactic than I gave you credit for.**

**GA: Yes And The Providence Of This Antagonism Ninja Vice Grip Pinching Your Larynx Has Already Begun To Supply My Purpose With Fruit**

**GA: The Chilly Frost Shimmering On Our Tree Of Human Friendship Has Begun To Thaw**

**TT: Mixed metaphor aside, usually ninjas don't announce what they're doing when they're doing it.**

**TT: Like when stalking an emperor to assassinate him.**

**TT: Or befriend him.**

**TT: But that's fine.**

**TT: I guess the only pointless question we haven't exhausted is, why?**

**TT: Why the convoluted artifice?**

**GA: Dave Raised Insight Into The Human Psychology Of Friendship Development**

**GA: By Allotting You Your Side Of The Conversation I Have You At The Disadvantage In Your View And You Will Seek To Reclaim Higher Ground**

**GA: In Successive Conversations**

**GA: 4=3 And 5=4 And Such**

**GA: Your Demeanor Will Be Terse If Not Saturated With Disdain And It Will Cause Me To Be Confused And Question Your Motivation**

**GA: But Now I Know Your Motivation Because I Am Supplying It Here And Now**

**GA: They Will Be Simple Acts Of Friendly Human Retaliation**

**TT: So you're not only rigging the first impression I make on you, but orchestrating my revenge for the rigging as well?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: It Seems Friendship For Some Humans Is A Basic Aggregation Of Shallow And Insincere Hostilities**

**TT: That's an interesting take on it.**

**TT: But now I know for sure Dave isn't behind this plan.**

**TT: It's too complicated.**

**GA: I Dont Understand**

**GA: Who Better To Coordinate Such Events Than The Knight Of Time**

**TT: You're awfully quick to his defense.**

**TT: Are you sure you don't have a thing for him?**

**TT: It's ok, bro. You can admit it.**

**GA: I'm Hopping To 8=8**

**GA: Ideally You Will Have Long Since Discarded This Train Of Thought**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I'm going to talk to my dead cat.**

**\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -**

GA: Im Supposed To Antagonize A Few Members Of Your Trivial Species  
GA: I Have To Start Somewhere  
GA: And Somewhen  
GA: So I Am Starting With You  
GA: And Now  
GA: Its Going To Be Pointless And Unpleasant  
GA: Mostly For Me  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
TT: she's not here right now, she's asleep!  
TT: but ok, see you.  
TT: And Then I Proceed To Make This Brainless Remark To Complement My Many Others  
TT: Or Do I  
GA: Is This  
GA: Your Human Sarcasm That Ive Heard About  
GA: That You Always Use  
GA: And That Is Basically A Terrible Way To Communicate  
TT: umm... no?  
GA: I Thought That Was The Thing You Did  
GA: The Rose Human Specifically  
TT: oh, yeah.  
TT: that's me! i am the rose human. look at me, i am so smart with all these snooty words and complicated things to say.  
TT: i am the queen of books.  
TT: I Am Also Infuriatingly Aloof  
TT: And Difficult To Engage With  
TT: When Maybe All The Other Person Wants To Do Is Maybe To Try To Be My Friend  
TT: Has That Ever Occured To Me  
TT: Probably Not  
GA: Okay These Are Definitely Insincere Statements  
GA: Why Do You Work So Hard At Being So Awful  
TT: fffuuhhhhhhhh  
TT: i'm so burned, these burns are crazy.  
TT: can we just cut to the chase and be friends already?  
TT: these cat and mouse games are so dumb, you know we're just going to all be friends at some point anyway.  
GA: Have We Spoken Before  
TT: i don't know, uh, maybe?  
TT: it's hard to keep track with all your time nonsense.  
TT: Am I Being Sincere Here  
TT: In Retrospect It Will Probably Seem Unlikely To My Current Conversational Partner  
GA: Now That I Think About It It Is Pretty Conceivable That I Will Talk To You Again In The Past After This Conversation  
TT: that's because you guys always do things the hard way.  
TT: and the dumb way.  
GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works  
GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like  
TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like.  
TT: you look kind of like...  
TT: howie mandel from little monsters.  
TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster.  
TT: because he was a big goofy adult.  
TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick.  
TT: Why Would I Even Be Saying Things Like This  
TT: Of Course  
TT: I Have Been So Foolish  
TT: It Is Because I Am Trolling You  
TT: I Wonder Where I Could Have Possibly Gotten The Idea To Do That In The First Place  
TT: Whoops There Goes My Human Sarcasm Again  
TT: It Is Like A Regrettable Bodily Function  
GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest  
TT: no, it's a movie.  
TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it's awesome, which it is.  
GA: It Seems [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
TT: yeah, i got him this really cool bunny for his birthday, and it's really nicely knitted and everything.  
TT: because i am basically in love with him, you are right.  
TT: It Is At This Point I Admit To Flushed Longings For The Ignoramus Who Likes Terrible Films  
TT: I Am Doing This Only To Bother You  
TT: I Openly Acknowledge This Here Specifically To Improve The Chances That We Will Develop A More Favorable Relationship In The Future  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: I Think Ill Talk To Someone Else Now  
TT: why don't you talk to john?  
GA: Maybe  
GA: When Along His Timeline Would You Recommend Communicating With Him  
TT: oh man, i don't know.  
TT: why don't you pick the time that will make the most complicated mess out of everything imaginable?  
TT: you know that's what you're gonna do anyway.  
TT: I Said Smugly  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
GA: Im Going To Talk To Your Comrades  
GA: This John Human  
GA: And Figure Out Whats Going On  
TT: ok.  
TT: if you talk to him in the past...  
TT: he'll understand even less buggywhipped fuckall about time, and he'll be confused.  
TT: so maybe paste something from this conversation to him? i don't know.  
TT: and if you talk to him in the future...  
TT: he'll probably know all this stuff, like things you've said to him but haven't said yet!  
TT: and then you'll be confused.  
TT: sorry, that's just how this works.  
TT: don't say i didn't warn you!  
GA: Consider Me Fully Briefed On The Matter.  
GA: Until Next Time Rose  
GA: [Tactical Omission]  
TT: yeah, bye!  
TT: (heheheheheheh)  
TT: The Last Thing I Said There Definitely Doesnt Make Any Sense Especially Given The Context I Now Have For Authoring The Remark  
TT: I Feel Really Stupid For Having Typed It Along With Many Other Things I Just Typed

\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -

Lalonde had finally been outmaneuvered. The Horseshitometer was lopsided in Kanaya's favor. And most delightfully of all, this fiendish ploy had ensured that all previous Snarkticks against her had been rendered completely irrelevant. It turned out they had just been a consequence of her future design all along.

You couldn't hope to beat Kanaya Maryam in a snark-off. She was simply the best there was.

Kanaya scanned Rose's timeline for the right moment to sync up both their sides of dialogue. Ideally she would have long discarded the train of thought that the troll "had a thing for Dave". Kanaya would finally reap the spoils of all her careful subterfuge. She would reap them good.

As she watched, the Rose human lifted a thorn wand in the air to the gate above her house. Uh… what was she...

There was a huge explosion atop Rose's house, destroying the gate altogether. The Flighty Broads and their Snarky Horseshitometer exploded. It simply could not take this much horseshit. Kanaya stared at the screen, orange eyes wide in shock. As she continued to watch, Rose leaped across the multi-colored ocean, flying in some sort of red light bubble.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: What**

**GA: The Hell**

**GA: Did You Just Do**

**TT: Hi there.**

**GA: You Actually Did It**

**GA: Blew It Up I Mean**

**GA: I Had Begun To Believe That Was Embellishment**

**TT: This is it, isn't it?**

**GA: What Is It**

**TT: This is the eighth conversation between us, from your perspective.**

**TT: As well as mine.**

**GA: Yeah**

**TT: I've been looking forward to this.**

**GA: Really**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: I have some questions for you.**

**GA: What Questions Do You Have**

**TT: I'll start with a simple one. **

TT: Do trolls have names?


	77. Book 5 Chapter 13: The Green Sun

Chapter 13: The Green Sun

John made a new Cosbytop so he could do some serious computing on the go. He'd barely gotten a chance to mess around with the first one he'd made before it got pilfered by a scurrilous imp. Okay, actually it was a sylladex mishap involving placing a hat into a full queuestack and sending the computer flying off the house and to the planet below, but whatever.

He started to kiss Bill Cosby's face on the computer, but one of the trolls pestered him before he really get a chance to reunited with the loving fatherly comedian themed laptop.

**arachnidsGrip ****[AG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**AG: What.**

**AG: The hell...**

**AG: Are you doing!**

**EB: oh hey.**

**AG: John, stop kissing that adult 8rown male human computer at once.**

**EB: but...**

**EB: it is bill cosby.**

**EB: he's back.**

**EB: in laptop form.**

**AG: Man. It is just another waste of time.**

**AG: Everything you do is a huge waste.**

**AG: A stupid pointless 8unch of w8stey w8stey w8stes.**

**EB: excuse me, but spending just a little quality time with my man bill here is not a w8stey w8ste at all.**

**EB: no amount of 8's in words will make that true.**

**AG: You have important things to do!**

**AG: Remem8er Jade?**

**EB: of course i do! jeez!**

**EB: ok, i'm going.**

He shouldered his rocket pack and prepared to blast off from the Alchemiter.

**AG: Noooooooo!**

**AG: XXXXO**

**EB: what?!**

**AG: What the fuck are you doing now!**

**EB: i am going to blast off and fly a little higher, to see if i can find nanna up there!**

**EB: and then i will install the game.**

**EB: it will only take a second!**

**AG: No, that's not what I mean!**

**AG: I know that's what you're going to do.**

**AG: You're just not supposed to do it now!**

**AG: You are supposed to do something else first. And then fly up. It's right here on your timeline. 8y attempting to do the thing you're not supposed to do yet, you are just wasting more of our time!**

**EB: jeez!**

**EB: you are incredibly bossy.**

**EB: more like marquise bossyfangs.**

**AG: I told you, that's my role playing name, not my real one! So your weak 8urn means nothing.**

**EB: no, you did not tell me that you like to play troll dungeons and dragons.**

**AG: Oh, yes John. I am really going to know what that stupid Earth game is, just 8ecause you put troll in front of it. Stupid.**

**EB: i will find out what your name is, i am tricky and i have ways.**

**AG: Pffffffff, dou8t it.**

**AG: Now shut up and do what you are going to do next!**

**EB: i don't know what i'm going to do next!**

**EB: apparently what i thought i was going to do next was wrong, so why don't you tell me?**

**AG: 8ecause.**

**AG: That's ridiculous!**

**AG: That would 8e a ridiculous way for us to do things.**

**EB: has it occurred to you that i might be wasting so much time because you keep pestering me telling me how much time i'm wasting?**

**EB: and then when i'm about to make progress you tell me i am doing the wrong thing!**

**EB: if it weren't for you i would be playing this game already.**

**AG: Okaaaaaaaay, shut up!**

**AG: Fine. I will hold your hand every step of the way, since that's apparently how you want to do this.**

**EB: but it isn't!**

**AG: I said shut up!**

**AG: Look, you are a8out to make yourself a new outfit, and THEN you will fly up and install the game.**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: but why would i do that? my ecto labsuit is rad!**

**AG: 8ecause you look like an idiot!**

**EB: :(**

**AG: Seriously, it's a good thing I did decide to 8other you now. Otherwise you would go through the game looking like a little weenie 8oy-Skylark.**

**EB: what is a boy skylark?**

**AG: It is the most terri8le, gutless class for wimpy losers, ones who have no idea how to handle themselves when a girl talks to them and stuff.**

**EB: actually, i think i remember passing that rung on my echeladder a while ago.**

**AG: Yes, exactly! It is 8eneath you, John.**

**AG: You are clearly much 8etter than that. You should dress like it.**

**EB: who cares what i dress like? it is what's inside the adventurer that counts.**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: I watched you actually say that with a str8 f8ce. Oh my god.**

**EB: why are you taking such an interest in my fashion, anyway?**

**AG: Trolls are an extremely fashion-minded race, John. You should make a note of this, since you pretend to 8e a scientist or something.**

**EB: ha ha, it sounds like you have a really lame culture.**

**AG: John, that is an outr8geous thing to say. You don't even know how important the fashions are, so 8e quiet.**

**EB: laaaaaaaame.**

**AG: Look at that! You counted out 8 a's for me, John! That is so thoughtful of you.**

**EB: oh, ha ha...**

**EB: i didn't even count. it just...**

**EB: turned out like that.**

**AG: Really?**

**EB: yeah.**

**AG: 33333333**

**EB: er...**

**EB: ok, anyway, i will make a new suit, but i am not ditching my ectosuit!**

**EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist.**

**EB: i am the wind waker. it's me.**

**AG: I know you are, John.**

**AG: Now empty out your sylladex and let's see what sort of killer gear we can make for you. 8ut do it fast!**

Much later, Kanaya proceeded to have her sixteenth conversation with Rose.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This**

**GA: But Actually**

**GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd**

**GA: And Somehow**

**GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least**

**GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach**

**GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand**

**TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.**

**GA: Okay Sorry**

**GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say**

**GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide**

Rose lifted the platform with the pink castle on it into the air and started to pull it apart with her wand. Little bits of rock and pink stuff fell to the ground below. The platform was actually a large mass, containing some below-surface stuff as well.

**TT: Oh?**

**GA: Yeah**

**TT: Sorry to hear you were subjected to that.**

**GA: Why**

**TT: It was a little melodramatic in retrospect. Heavy-handed.**

**TT: But now it's stuck on that server forever, broadcasting the notes of very confused girl sifting through the aftermath of just another pedestrian apocalypse somewhere in paradox space.**

**TT: Have you ever written a message you regretted instantly upon sending?**

**GA: Lately**

**GA: Almost Perpetually**

**TT: That line included?**

**GA: Wow Yeah Kind Of**

**GA: Also**

**GA: That One**

**TT: I'm sure you must regard the walkthrough as pretty quaint.**

**TT: As a veteran of the game.**

**GA: Actually**

**GA: At The Time Of Reading It Lent Some Useful Insight**

**GA: Into The Nature Of The Game I Hadnt Yet Considered**

**GA: And**

**GA: The Author I Guess**

**TT: At the time?**

**TT: When exactly did you read it?**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: By The Way**

**GA: What Are You Doing Here**

**GA: Is This Part Of Your Ongoing Investigation**

**TT: Yes.**

Rose continued to take the large mass apart, revealing something green and globular below. A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal nearby, but she didn't notice.

**GA: Are These Tactics Really Necessary**

**TT: It's faster this way.**

**TT: If there's one thing you and your friends regularly remind us, it's that time is not on our side.**

**GA: I Know**

**GA: But I Thought Our Methods Earlier Were Effective**

**GA: In Illuminating The Underpinnings Of The Game**

**GA: You Ask Some Questions**

**GA: And I Answer**

**GA: If I Can**

**TT: Yes, that has been effective.**

**TT: But you don't know everything, do you?**

**GA: No**

**TT: My current strategy is comprehensive.**

**TT: Your notes have been helpful, but the facts you've supplied are being cross-referenced with understandings I already have, and data gathered by the sort of means presently on display.**

**TT: I still have more questions for you, which I will ask in time.**

**GA: Okay**

**GA: But These Means Presently On Display**

**GA: Are Making Me A Little Nervous**

**GA: I Think Its Kind Of A Reckless Use Of**

**TT: Of what?**

**GA: These Forces**

**TT: Dark magic, you mean?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Influence By The Gods From The Furthest Ring**

**GA: The Communion You Seem To Have Developed With Them I Find Kind Of Troubling**

**TT: I don't think they are as nefarious as you might imagine.**

**TT: Many of them seem to be intent on helping us.**

**GA: How Exactly Do You Know That**

**TT: From their whispers in my dreams.**

**GA: How Much Time Have You Really Spent Sleeping**

**GA: Since You Began Playing**

**TT: Not much.**

**TT: But quite a lot in a failed timeline.**

**TT: And now and then, memories surface from that alternate reality.**

**TT: Vague memories, but unmistakable in familiarity, like spontaneously remembering a dream from years ago by some inexplicable catalyst.**

**TT: In that reality, they spoke to me in my sleep and told me much of what I needed to know.**

**TT: Including what to do to reset our timeline and create the present reality.**

**GA: That Makes Me No Less Nervous**

**GA: Our Understanding Is That Influence From Doomed Timelines**

**GA: Though Seemingly Necessary To Advance In The Alpha Reality**

**GA: Is Generally Inauspicious**

**GA: Travelers From Such Branches Are Marked For Death**

**GA: And Though It Was Only An Insubstantial Part Of You Which Traveled**

**GA: Just Memories I Suppose**

**GA: Its Still Troubling**

**TT: I have assurances I'm on the right track.**

**TT: Surely you must have spoken to the gods by now.**

**TT: What did they tell you to make you so suspicious?**

**GA: Actually**

**GA: I Havent**

**GA: I Have Never Visited Derse Or Traveled Beyond The Veil**

**GA: Prospits Moon Was My Home**

**GA: For Most Of My Dreaming Life**

**TT: It was?**

**GA: Yes**

**TT: This surprises me.**

**GA: Why**

**TT: ...**

**TT: Good question.**

**GA: Skaia Was Always The Foil For My Curiosity**

**GA: But It Only Showed Me What I Needed To See**

**GA: It Very Much Had The Presence Of Something Sentient**

**GA: And**

**GA: Benevolent**

**GA: But Silent**

**GA: Not Something To Converse With Or Be Instructed By**

**GA: Or Anything With An Agenda Beyond Which It Knows To Be Manifest Already**

**GA: Like A Very Clear Mirror**

**GA: That Has Everything There Is To See Inside It**

**GA: But Only Some Things Are Visible At Any Given Moment**

**GA: I Always Trusted It**

**GA: And I Dont Trust Gods That Would Eschew Its Light**

**TT: You didn't actually answer my question.**

**TT: When was it exactly that you read my walkthrough?**

**GA: Oh**

**GA: A While Ago**

**TT: Before you first contacted me? **

**GA: I Have To Confess That**

**GA: Ive Been Experiencing Something Like**

**GA: Impression Whiplash**

**GA: Since That Time**

**TT: What do you mean? **

**GA: At First I Thought You Were Foolish And Incompetent**

**TT: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. **

**TT: It was an honest mistake, I swear. **

**GA: You See Thats What Im Talking About**

**GA: That Was A Very Snarky Remark That Happened Just Now**

**GA: Stratified By Your Signature Varieties Of Insincerity Which Cut Through The Literal Meaning Of The Statement Like Colorful Ribbons**

**GA: And The Net Intent Is Something Maddening To Try To Know**

**GA: Its Meaning I Think Exists At The Inscrutable Nexus Of Semantic Space Where Humor Chafes Against Soft Malice**

**GA: A Place Perhaps The Human Mind Occupies More Comfortably I Dont Know**

**GA: Xenopsychology Isnt My Strong Suit**

**GA: Or Even A Real Word**

**TT: ... **

**GA: Uh Yeah I Know Im Babbling Again**

**GA: The Point Is Its Not The Type Of Behavior A Very Stupid Person Can Perpetrate**

**GA: And So My Impression Has Thrashed Around From Conversation To Conversation**

**GA: And Now**

**GA: Rather Than Suspecting You Of Incompetence**

**GA: I Have Begun To Fear Just The Opposite**

**GA: I Think You Might Be Dangerous**

**TT: To whom? **

**GA: Maybe Not Knowing That Is What Really Bothers Me**

**GA: Why Dont You Put The Turtle Ruins Down**

**GA: And Return To Your House**

**GA: I Have Sketched Some New Outfits For You That I Think Are Nice**

**GA: We Could Try To Make Them**

**GA: It Will Be Fun**

**TT: You seem to have taken quite an interest in my wardrobe decisions. **

**TT: Are all trolls so fashion-minded? **

**GA: Urrgh No**

**GA: Sadly**

**TT: Maybe later. **

**GA: What If There Isnt A Later**

**TT: Well, we already know there won't be. **

**TT: That's nothing new. **

**GA: I Mean**

**GA: There Not Being A Later Might Happen Sooner Than You Think**

**TT: Wow, what? **

**GA: I Mean**

**GA: For You Specifically**

**GA: Okay**

**GA: This Was Something Else I Wanted To Say**

**GA: Or Ask About**

**GA: But Im Afraid My Asking Might Play A Role In The Outcome**

**GA: And I Dont Know If I Want That**

Rose opened the green globe by pulling it apart. She suspended all of the pieces in midair and flew towards something in the center of the globe.

**TT: The outcome will happen one way or another.**

**TT: Whether you have something to do with it or not.**

**TT: You might as well ask me.**

**TT: At least when it happens, you'll understand what it is that's happening.**

**TT: And just maybe, if we're really lucky, so will I.**

**GA: Um**

**TT: I have a question for you too.**

**TT: Let's swap ignorance, ok?**

**GA: Alright**

**GA: I Cant See You In The Future**

**GA: The Viewport Wont Let Me After A Certain Point**

**GA: Its Black**

**GA: But Only For You**

**GA: Not The Others**

**TT: When?**

**GA: Several Hours From Now**

**GA: Do You Know Why This Could Be**

**TT: I have no idea.**

**TT: I can't see the future.**

**TT: I'm a disreputable Derse Dreamer, remember?**

**TT: But I promise that if I have a hand in it, it won't be because you told me.**

**TT: Does that make you feel better?**

**GA: Sort Of**

**GA: But It Remains Ominous**

**TT: Is that why you want to dissuade me from my admittedly zealous investigation to go play dress-up again?**

**TT: Because our time here is almost up?**

**TT: And you hope what's on the other side of the dark curtain for me is not some sort of corruption or damnation?**

**GA: Also Sort Of**

**TT: That's thoughtful of you.**

**TT: To strive to pacify me as I scuffle down this black corridor.**

**GA: Wait**

**GA: Is That What Im Doing**

**TT: Is it?**

**GA: On Second Thought**

**GA: Thats Not What I Want To Do**

**TT: Oh.**

**TT: That's a pity.**

**TT: Who will make sure my soul isn't forfeit in service of gods then?**

**GA: Well**

**GA: I Hope That Doesnt Happen**

**GA: But Id Rather Not Get Stuck In That Kind Of Pattern Again**

**GA: So If You Want To Wreck Turtle Villages And Tear Your Planet Apart On The Counsel Of Dark Gods**

**GA: Fine With Me I Guess**

**TT: What do you mean, "again?"**

**GA: Ur**

**GA: Ill Do The Thing You Do When You Dont Say Anything**

**GA: "..."**

**TT: One simple word can so easily begin a story in a very thick book.**

**TT: But I guess we won't open this one?**

**GA: What Was Your Question**

**GA: I Believe Youre Owed Some Compensatory Ignorance**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: I was wondering.**

In the center of the globe sat what looked to be a giant and old captchalogue card. The center of the card was carved out in a circle.

**TT: What do you know about the ****Green Sun****?**

**GA: Ive Never Heard Of It**

**TT: Thank you.**

**TT: The transaction was very tidy.**

**GA: Agreed**


	78. Book 5 Chapter 14: Pchoooooooo!

Chapter 14: Pchoooooooo!

John emptied his sylladex all over the ground.

**AG: This is the most ridiculous pile of useless crap I have ever seen.**

**AG: Why did you pick up all this junk? Rocks, mushrooms, shoes...**

**AG: Jegus, John.**

**EB: jegus?**

**AG: Yes. Jegus!**

**EB: how do you know about jegus? do you even know what that is?**

**AG: I have no idea! It's something Terezi has 8een saying non stop for some reason.**

**AG: It is weirdly infectious.**

**AG: What is it, some sort of human profanity?**

**EB: no. well, yeah kind of.**

**EB: it is a misspelling of an adult male bearded human, who was magic.**

**AG: 8ooooooooring.**

**EB: shrug!**

**AG: John! Is that a frog I see there?**

**EB: uh, yes. it is.**

**AG: How do you have a frog already?**

**EB: i dunno. i found it, and i decided to captchalogue it for some reason.**

**EB: frogs are pretty cool.**

**AG: It seems awfully early in your game for you to 8e finding frogs. Your session sure is weird!**

**EB: huh. ok...**

**EB: apparently it is considered illegal contraband.**

**EB: why would a frog be illegal?**

**AG: John, shut your trap! We are in a hurry here.**

**EB: bossy!**

**AG: Ok, I think I can make you a completely faaaaaaaa8ulous outfit using this trash, and may8e some other stuff around your hive.**

**AG: 8ut you have to do exactly what I say!**

**EB: bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy bossy.**

**EB: to the eighth power.**

**EB: times eight infinities!**

**AG: H8RRY 8P!**

**EB: that was nine !'s.**

**AG: Oops.**

Vriska turned a deep ultramarine and placed her hands over her mouth in horror.

Much later:

**EB: so, uh...**

**EB: red sneakers, some jeans, a tee shirt, and another shirt...**

**EB: this is the fabulous outfit you had in mind?**

**AG: Yes! Isn't it awesome?**

**EB: it's pretty cool and all...**

**EB: i was just picturing something...**

**EB: more elaborate? like maybe more adventurey.**

**AG: Fuck that.**

**AG: This is a really hot look for you, John. It makes you look a million times more cool, instead of some kind of overa8sconding daggerlance fl8ling pansy.**

**EB: what?**

**AG: Now move your ass!**

**AG: Go go go go go go go go!**

**EB: ok, jeeeeeeeez.**

John blasted off.

**EB: pchoo.**

**AG: D::::**

**EB: ha ha, just messin' with ya.**

**EB: pchoooooooo!**

**AG: Yessssssss.**

**EB: ok...**

**EB: marquise bossyfangs mcsekret, this has been a lot of fun...**

**EB: but i have to go talk to my pals now, and also rescue jade!**

**AG: Yes, I know that, dummy! I am in complete command of your timeline, remem8er? **

**E8: oh yeah. sure, if you say so.**

**AG: We will not speak again for a while. 8ut for me it will only 8e a moment. **

**AG: I do not envy the Serketless coldspell you are a8out to endure, John. **

**EB: that's too bad.**

**EB: how long will it be?**

**AG: Man, calm down! It will only 8e a couple of hours or so. **

**AG: Sweet Jegus, I have clearly done a num8er on you to engender such a frothing o8session so quickly. **

**AG: Not surprising. It's just the 8urden that comes with 8eing so damned awesome. 8ut you will figure that out soon enough John, 8ecause I have you well on your way. **

**EB: ha ha, i guess...**

**AG: Phase two of my program for you 8egins in a little while. **

**AG: In the meantime, try not to get corrupted 8y anyone too lame. Especially no8ody with 8rown text or gray text, or any shit ugly color at all for that matter. **

**EB: ok, i will try.**

**EB: thanks for all the help. bye, ms. serket!**

**AG: 8ye, John... **

**AG: W8. **

**AG: John what? **

**EB: Anderson.**

**AG: Ok. Til next time, Mr. Anderson. **

**EB: (hehehehehehehehe)**

**\- arachnidsGrip** **[AG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

John then pestered his server player's server player.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**EB: hey dave!**

**TG: hey**

**EB: wow, it's been a while since we talked, hasn't it.**

**TG: has it**

**EB: i think the last time i talked to you, i was doing exactly what im doing now...**

**EB: which is blasting off from my house.**

**EB: or was it?**

**EB: wow, i can't remember...**

**TG: man who cares**

**TG: i mean thats great and all**

**TG: but i talked to you plenty more times since that from where im standing**

**TG: ive got to make this quick**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: you mean like the trolls?**

**EB: are you using the troll time chat gizmo?**

**TG: fuck no fuck that trollian horseshit**

**TG: its just regular old time travel**

**TG: im from the future**

**EB: oh ok. is this dave sprite?**

**TG: no**

**TG: just regular ordinary dave from the fucking future nothing special dude come on**

**EB: well, excuse me, but i still think time travel sounds kind of special.**

**EB: sorry you are so jaded by awesome shit!**

**TG: yeah ok it is awesome but im in a hurry**

**EB: what is it?**

**TG: i need to borrow some boondollars off you**

**EB: boondollars? i thought they didn't do anything.**

**TG: no they do do something**

**EB: what do they do?**

**TG: what do you think they buy shit its fucking money**

**EB: what do they buy?**

**TG: i cant answer all these questions dude youll find out anyway its not like youll even really need your money**

**TG: you you might as well give it to me**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: how much do you need?**

**TG: all of it**

**EB: oh, fuck that!**

**TG: man you just said you thought it was useless why do you care**

**EB: but you just said it wasn't useless!**

**TG: ill pay you back**

**EB: really? when?**

**TG: in the future**

**TG: if theres one thing im not short on its the fuckin future**

**EB: how far in the future are you from?**

**EB: i thought we only had something like 24 hours until, like...**

**EB: game over.**

**TG: yeah we do**

**TG: but chronologically ive been around for at least triple that**

**EB: wow. how...**

**EB: i don't get how that works!**

**TG: no shit your deal is wind not time**

**TG: youre on easy street what is there even to think about with wind**

**TG: like what angle to blow it at to fly a damn kite or how gentle its gotta be to make a picnic go swimmingly**

**TG: its kiddie bullshit time is serious fucking business**

**TG: leave it to the pros ok**

**EB: but, doesn't going back in time make an alternate reality?**

**EB: i thought that's what happened with dave sprite, he came back to make sure i didn't die and this is a new timeline now.**

**TG: yeah it can work that way**

**TG: or not**

**TG: ive been very careful**

**TG: this whole operation is strung together with stable time loops**

**TG: no timeline offshoots cause thats when daves start dying and that isnt no good for nobody**

**EB: daves, plural?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: there are a bunch of daves running around the timeline**

**EB: oh, man.**

**TG: but they are all me**

**TG: i mean they will all become me and ill become them one way or another**

**TG: thats how stable time loops work shit takes a lot of planning and precise choreography**

**TG: ive got some help though**

**EB: help?**

**EB: sounds like you have been talkin' to some trolls!**

**TG: yeah**

**EB: they seem to be getting more talkative lately.**

**TG: man dont even get me started with that**

**TG: the 24 hour span of the reckoning is like some kind of critical spike in us dealing with troll bullshit**

**TG: i guess its just when the most shit is going down so they figure thats the best time to mess with us**

**EB: yeah, that makes sense.**

**EB: i guess since you've lived three days in one day, you've just been hassled that much more?**

**TG: i dont know man they seem to flock to me**

**TG: ive been laying waste to chumps nonstop**

**TG: its like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses and theyve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine**

**EB: heheh.**

**EB: so what is the future like?**

**EB: or uh, the 3x future...**

**EB: do we win?**

**TG: oh you know**

**TG: noirs outta control**

**TG: rose is crazy jades crazier and youre**

**TG: well youre you**

**TG: and together were up to our bulges and miscellaneous bullshit alien physiology in hot sloppy shenanigans while hatching plans under our feathery asses like a bunch of cage free farm fresh motherfuckers**

**TG: but im not about to get into specifics cause this is complicated enough as it is**

**TG: and if i started ranting too much about the future id start sounding like one of these smug alternian shitheads and im not about to drop that retarded science on my good bro**

**TG: so im staying on track here**

**TG: speaking of which**

**TG: give me your money**

**EB: but...**

**EB: i worked hard saving up that money!**

**EB: i have a whole boonbuck now.**

**TG: oh christ**

**TG: only one**

**TG: well fuck nevermind then**

**TG: i thought youd have more by now but thats goddamn peanuts**

**EB: :(**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: ill take it anyway but damn**

**EB: tell me what you want with it!**

**TG: im working the system here**

**TG: using time loops to manipulate the incipispheres financial sector**

**TG: making a goddamn killing in the lohacse**

**EB: lohacse?**

**TG: lohac stock exchange**

**EB: um...**

**EB: lohac?**

**TG: my planet**

**TG: land of heat and clockwork dude come on**

**TG: you know like gears and lava and shit**

**EB: oh, huh.**

**EB: that sounds unpleasant.**

**TG: wrong it kicks ass**

**EB: your unpleasant face is what kicks ass!**

**EB: or DOESN'T, more like.**

**TG: egbert stfu and give me your goddamn boonbuck j3gus fuck**

**TG: ill turn it into a boonmint in an hour and youll get it back ok**

**EB: j3gus?**

**EB: *narrows eyes suspiciously...***

**TG: no comment**

**EB: i don't even know how to give it to you!**

**EB: they are just more weird gaming abstractions, how do we do this?**

**TG: you can wire it to my account**

**TG: ill send you the app**

**EB: i'm really pretty busy you know. i have to help jade!**

**TG: i know**

**TG: but this takes like two seconds**

**EB: bluh...**

**EB: fiiiiiiiine.**

**TG: dude**

**TG: dont do the vriska thing ok**

**TG: shes messed up we talked about this**

**TG: or will talk**

**EB: who?**

**TG: whatever**

**TG: alright app incoming**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **sent ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **the file " " - **

**TG: gotta go later**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **ceased pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

To be continued in Book 6: Alterniabound


	79. Book 6 Chapter 1: The LOHACSE

Book 6: Alterniabound

Chapter 1: The LOHACSE

Dave set a case of boonbucks on the floor and rubbed his hands together. All around him, a bunch of eager red crocodiles held up cards and bounced smuppets around. The ground was littered with boondollars. Two large scrolling pillars displayed hundreds of different stocks, crocodiles closing their eyes and hoping that perhaps the price of the grist stocks they'd invested in would go up.

The three iterations of Dave smiled simultaneously, drowning in the sea of nakking consorts. The LOHAC Stock Exchange was the perfect crime.

Oh, it looked like Egbert had come through. He wired Dave his measly boonbuck. It wasn't much, but it was immediately funneled into the pipelines of Dave's various investment scams, and quickly began paying dividends. The figures were tight. Dave had this shit on fiduciary lockdown. The economy belonged to him.

One of the trolls began to pester him again.

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]**

**GC: H3Y D4V3**

**GC: B1G N3WS**

**TG: hey**

**TG: have i made enough money yet**

**GC: OF COURS3 YOU H4V3**

**GC: MOR3 TH4N W3 COULD 3V3R POSS1BLY F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TO DO W1TH**

**GC: BUT TH4T 1S NOT TH3 B1G N3WS! :]**

**TG: ok**

**GC: 1 M4D3 YOU 4NOTH3R COM1C**

**TG: fuck**

**TG: bout time**

**TG: what took so long**

**GC: 1 R3S3NT TH3 1MPL1C4T1ON D4V3**

**GC: TH4T 1 4M NOT WORK1NG T1R3L3SSLY ON YOUR B3H4LF 4S W3LL 4S ON B3H4LF OF TH3 F1N3 4RTS**

**GC: JUST B3C4US3 YOU GO FOR HOURS W1THOUT H34R1NG FROM M3**

**GC: DO3SNT M34N 1 4M NOT SL4V1NG 4W4Y H3R3 4T M4K1NG YOU R1CH**

**GC: F1N4NC14LLY 4ND 4RT1ST1C4LLY**

**GC: 1TS JUST 1 DONT H4V3 TH3 LUXURY OF YOUR 3XP4ND3D T1M3FR4M3**

**GC: M1ST3R THR33 D4YS 1N ON3 :[**

**TG: k cool lets see it**

**GC: 1S TH3R3 4NYTH1NG TH4T 4 HUM4N COOLK1D C4NNOT DO?**

**GC: **** /T34CHM3D4V3**

**GC: 1 DOUBT 1T! 8D**

**TG: damn**

**TG: thats incredible**

**GC: TH3 PH3NOM3NON OF TH3 COOLK1D 1S 4 F4SC1N4T1NG ON3 D4V3**

**GC: 1 H4V3 STUD13D 1T**

**GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH4T W3 DO NOT H4V3 COOLK1DS ON 4LT3RN14?**

**TG: oh shit really**

**TG: that loud sound of shock you just smelled was my jaw hitting the floor**

**GC: 1TS TRU3**

**GC: SOM3 TRY TO B3 1 TH1NK, W1THOUT 3V3N B31NG 4W4R3 OF TH3 T3MPL4T3 TH3Y 4R3 STR1V1NG FOR**

**GC: 1T 1S 4 S4D SP3CT4CL3**

**GC: BUT 1 TH1NK YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY TH3 COOL3ST COOLK1D D4V3**

**GC: 4LL TH3S3 OTH3R HORNS3S 4SS3S SURF1NG ON K3YBO4RDS 4ND PUTT1NG H4TS ON TURNW4YS 4R3 4 BUNCH OF STUT1D NUMPNUTS**

**GC: TH3Y H4V3 NOTH1NG ON TH3 ON3 TRU3 STR1D3R**

**TG: yeah i mean**

**TG: i cant possibly argue with any of that**

**TG: so are we done making money yet or what**

**GC: OH 1 DONT KNOW**

**GC: T3CHN1C4LLY W3 W3R3 4 LONG T1M3 4GO**

**TG: yeah i kinda figured**

**GC: BUT 1TS 4 FUN W4Y TO STR3TCH OUT TH3 T1M3 YOUV3 GOT L3FT, 1SNT 1T?**

**GC: :]**

**TG: im not complaining**

**TG: but you said there was something specific we were working toward here**

**TG: i mean aside from buying up all the nastiest fraymotifs**

**GC: Y3S BOTH 4R3 TRU3**

**GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 YOU H4V3NT BOUGHT Y3T!**

**GC: TH4T 1S 1MPORT4NT, W3 N33D TO K33P YOU COMP3T1T1V3 W1TH JOHN**

**TG: competitive**

**TG: man**

**TG: dont matter what i do im not gonna outpace egbert**

**GC: DONT S4Y TH4T! YOUV3 GOT TO B3L13V3 1N YOURS3LF D4V3**

**TG: hey its not like the futures a mystery or anything weve both seen it**

**TG: well**

**TG: ive seen it**

**TG: youve just caught a whiff of it**

**TG: like a hungry beggar loitering cross the street of an olive garden**

**TG: just cause a filthy vagrants barred from entry dont mean a dude doesnt know italian foods nearby its a fucking fact to his nose**

**GC: DO NOT D1STR4CT FROM TH3 1SSU3 W1TH YOUR S4SSY R3M4RKS 4BOUT 34RTH 1T4L14N FOOD**

**GC: Y34H OK, JOHN M4Y S3RV3 YOU YOUR OWN BULG3 ON 4 S1LV3R TURN T4BL3 PR3 SCR4TCH**

**GC: BUT WH4T 4BOUT 4FT3R TH4T?**

**GC: W3 N33D YOU TO K33P P4C3**

**GC: 1T 1S TH3 CL4SS1C STRUGGL3, TH3 HUM4N 34RTH COOLK1D V3RSUS TH3 34RTH HUM4N N3RD**

**GC: WHO W1LL W1N? :O**

**GC: (D4V3 D4V3 D4V3)**

**TG: yeah fine**

**TG: so whats the other thing we were accomplishing here**

**TG: does that get to be not an obnoxious secret yet**

**GC: Y3S, NOW 1S TH3 T1M3**

**GC: YOU MUST W1R3 YOUR BOONDOLL4RS TO MY 4CCOUNT**

**TG: ok so this was your game**

**TG: to get rich off me**

**GC: Y3SSSSSSSSSSSS 8]**

**GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY 1TS 1MPORT4NT!**

**GC: 1T 1S CR1T1C4L TO 4LL OUR PL4NS**

**TG: alright well its not like i even have a problem parting with this useless bullshit money**

**TG: how much do you need**

**GC: 413 BOONBONDS**

**TG: thats all**

**TG: i can afford to give you a fuckload more than that**

**TG: how bout i give you an even boonbank**

**GC: NO!**

**GC: 1T MUST B3 3X4CTLY TH4T 4MOUNT**

**TG: ok just to be clear**

**TG: thats 413**

**TG: not "aie"**

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: J3RK :P**

**TG: whats up with that number**

**TG: ive seen it around**

**GC: TH3Y 4R3 TH3 NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS**

**TG: whats that mean**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW :?**

**TG: ok awesome**

**GC: 4LSO**

**GC: 4T TH3 3X4CT 3ND OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON**

**GC: YOU MUST W1R3 TH3 MON3Y TO MY 4CCOUNT 3X4CTLY 6 HOURS 4ND 12 M1NUT3S 1NTO TH3 P4ST**

**GC: MY P4ST! R3L4T1V3 TO MY PR3S3NT MOM3NT 4S OF TYP1NG TH1S**

**TG: you mean i can do that**

**TG: then**

**TG: why werent we just wiring money into the past for these investment escapades instead of doing all this time traveling**

**GC: B3C4US3!**

**GC: TH4T W4SNT TH3 PL4N**

**GC: W3 H4D TO PL4Y 4LONG W1TH TH3 ST4BL3 T1M3 LOOPS W3 W3R3 PR3S3NT3D W1TH**

**GC: YOU KNOW, M4K3 SUR3 4LL THOS3 D4V3S RUNN1NG 4ROUND 3X1ST3D 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i knew that its just frustrating sometimes its like paradox space makes you do everything the hard way**

**GC: Y34H T3LL M3 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: BUT H3Y 1TS B33N FUN PL4Y1NG 4LONG, H4SNT 1T?**

**TG: sure**

**GC: W3V3 GOT TO K33P B31NG D3L1C4T3 W1TH T1M3**

**GC: 1F YOU ST4RT B3ND1NG TH3 RUL3S 4ND T4K1NG SHORTCUTS**

**GC: TH4TS WH3N D34D D4V3S ST4RT P1L1NG UP**

**GC: D34D D4V3S 4R3 TH3 3N3MY!**

**GC: 4S D3L1GHTFUL 4S 1T 1S TO SM3LL TH31R SW33T C4NDY BLOOD 3V3RYWH3R3**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: reminds me**

**TG: i made you a comic a while ago**

**GC: YOU D1D?**

**TG: ****yeah here** **( /ohy34h)**

**GC: :o**

**GC: D4V3...**

**GC: TH1S COM1C 1S BORD3RL1N3 PORNOGR4PH1C**

**GC: YOU 4R3 4 R34LLY FUCK3D UP K1D**

**TG: yeah ok whatever you say**

**TG: fuckin aliens**

**GC: (1T 1S F4NT4ST1C, 1 LOV3 1T)**

**TG: ok cool**

**TG: hey boonbonds incoming now**

**TG: brace yourself six hours ago**

Six hours before, Terezi stood on the surface of the meteor that all the trolls were stowed away on.

She had recently retreated to The Veil to hide from a mysterious demon which appeared to be bent on her destruction. Suddenly nobody understood anything. There wasn't much to do but wander around the laboratory while the others squabbled amongst each other and searched for answers. She pointed her nose Skaiaward. It was a refreshing blue minty dot against The Medium's dark canvas. It was very far from the meteor though. It was hard to pick up its scent clearly.

Terezi deployed her trusty smelloscope, an item she'd crafted during her adventure. It had come in handy so many times.

She took a whiff through the device. Her keen nose penetrated deep into the Insniffisphere… I mean Incipisphere and zeroed in on the familiar honey-sweet smell of Prospit. Thank goodness it was still safe. It would be terrible if the demon were to…

A blast of green crackley electrical light burst from out of nowhere and blew the golden planet to smithereens.

"Oh no!" Terezi shrieked, turning away from the brightness. She took the brunt of the stellar smellsplosion like a sour apple punch to the snout!

She supposed she'd better report this to her teammates. Perhaps a memo was in order. But today there would be little reason for rumpus in her partytown. Today was a very sad day. They were all in bigger trouble than they'd suspected.

Unsurprisingly, she returned to a room full of commotion. What was that guy staring at? Always with the staring. He was so weird.

And what was she doing with that chainsaw over there? The rich smell of chocolatey blood filled the room. Good grief! Terezi couldn't turn her back on these lunatics for a second!

And here was their bold leader, passed out on the floor. He was sleeping like a wiggler. Terezi wondered what he could be dreaming about? Prospit was gone now, and he'd never even had the chance to wake up. Poor guy.

Finally, Terezi returned to her computer. It was important to keep her loyal subscribers of the past and future informed. It was her duty as a dedicated board administrator. Still, it was hard to find the words to break this to them. The partytown had been host to nothing but bad news lately.

**CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN. **

**CGC: B4D N3WS 3V3RYON3!**

**CGC: UM**

**FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [CGC]** **3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FGC: T3R3Z1 SOM3TH1NG H4S COM3 UP**

**CGC: OH?**

**FGC: Y3S YOU W1LL N33D TO CUT TH1S M3MO SHORT**

**FGC: 3V3RYON3, TH3 BOTTOM L1N3 1S TH4T PROSP1T W4S JUST D3STROY3D**

**FGC: 1 4M SORRY TO S4Y**

**FGC: :[**

**CGC: :[**

**FUTURE adiosToreador [FAT]** **3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FAT: iS,**

**FAT: tHAT WHAT HAPPENED,**

**FGC: Y3S T4VROS**

**FAT: }:(**

**FGC: WOW 1T TOOK YOU THR33 HOURS TO F1GUR3 TH4T OUT?**

**FGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL H4V3 YOU B33N DO1NG**

**FAT: mOSTLY,**

**FAT: gETTING USED TO THESE LEGS,**

**FAT: fALLING DOWN STAIRS, aND THINGS LIKE THAT,**

**FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT]** **3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCT: D - I'm quite sure I warned you about attempting to navigate stairs while adjusting to the new equipment**

**FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG]** **3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FAG: Yes, you told him 8ro!**

**FAG: I distinctly remem8er you telling him a8out stairs. 8ut he didn't listen.**

**FAG: He never listens! None of you do, really.**

**FAG: And now all of your extra lives are waaaaaaaasted.**

**FAG: What a 8unch of losers! I'm outta here.**

**FAG** **banned herself from responding to memo. **

**CGC: W3LL**

**CGC: NOT 4LL OF TH3M**

**CGC: TH3 D3RS3 DR34M3RS 4R3 F1N3 4S F4R 4S 1 KNOW**

**FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC]** **3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FAC: :33 ummm no not quite :((**

**FAC: :33 she is refurring to the fact that derse was just destroyed too**

**FAC: :33 i saw him during my catnap, he blew it right on up!**

**CGC: 8C**

**FAC: :33 :'CC**

**FAC: :33 feferi was sl33ping too, and now she will not wake up!**

**FAC: :33 i am very purrturbed by this**

**FGC: 3V3RYON3, PL34S3!**

**FGC: P4ST T3R3Z1 H4S SOM3TH1NG 1MPORT4NT TO 4TT3ND TO 1N 4 MOM3NT**

**FGC: SO 1 4M 4FR41D 1 MUST CLOS3 TH1S M3MO!**

**FGC: PL34S3 SC4N TH3 BULL3T1N FOR FUTUR3 M3MOS TO CONT1NU3 D1SCUSS1NG TH1S 4ND OTH3R 1NTR1GU1NG TOP1CS**

**FGC: 4S 4LW4YS, 1T H4S B33N 4 PL34SUR3 S3RV1NG YOUR TR4NST1M3L1N3 D1SCUSS1ON N33DS H3R3 4T TH3 R41NBOW RUMPUS P4RTYTOWN**

**FAG** **unbanned herself from responding to memo. **

**FAG: You doofus!**

**FGC: SHUT TH3 FUCK UP!**

**FGC** **banned ****FAG** **from responding to memo. **

**FGC** **closed memo. **

On the instruction of herself from three minutes in the future, Terezi waited for something to happen. She wondered what could possibly happen that would cause her to become her future self in three minutes and interrupt her past self's memo and tell her to wait for three minutes doing nothing but wondering what could possibly happen that would cause her to become her future self in three… Hey. Someone had just wired her some money. That was odd.

Huh. 413 boonbucks. The numerals of the blind prophets. A sign, perhaps? A secret message? But from who? This made no sense.

Wait a second… those weren't boonbucks. Some of the digits were obscured by her saliva. She needed to take a closer look. Which was to say, a closer lick. She licked the screen. 413 boon_bonds?_ That was an absolutely preposterous amount of money.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**GC: SOLLUX 1 N33D YOU TO TR4C3 4 MON3Y TR4NSF3R**

**TA: 2omeone 2ent you money?**

**GC: Y3S**

**TA: why'2 2omeone 2endiing you money.**

**TA: and why now of all tiime2, liike we can even u2e iit.**

**TA: who'2 thii2 doucebag?**

**GC: TH4TS WH4T 1 W4NT YOU TO F1GUR3 OUT!**

**TA: ok.**

**TA: bam, done.**

**TA: ii am fuckiing iincrediible.**

**GC: WHO 1S 1T?**

**TA: 2omeone iin our uniiver2e.**

**GC: C4N YOU B3 MOR3 SP3C1F1C?**

**GC: UN1V3RS3S 4R3 K1ND OF HUG3.**

**GC: SOM3ON3 FROM 4LT3RN14?**

**TA: no no, ii mean 2omeone from OUR uniiver2e, the one we ju2t made.**

**GC: WOW, 4LR34DY?**

**GC: TH4T W4S F4ST**

**GC: W3 JUST M4D3 1T!**

**TA: yeah 2ure but we are completely out2iide iit2 temporal envelope remember.**

**TA: the entiire hii2tory of the thiing exii2t2 already iin iit2 entiirety from our per2pectiive, iit2 flow of tiime mean2 nothiing two u2.**

**TA: 2o we don't have two waiit for anythiing, iit'2 all already there.**

**GC: Y34H TH4TS TRU3**

**GC: ST1LL S33MS W31RD THOUGH :?**

**TA: 413 boonbond2? damn.**

**TA: 2omeone here ha2 been playiing 2grub ii gue22. wonder why they'd 2end u2 money.**

**TA: maybe they know we made them? maybe iit'2 liike a tiip. liike thank2 dude2 for makiing u2 exii2t.**

**GC: :?**

**TA: why 413, why that number.**

**TA: any iidea?**

**GC: NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS**

**GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T, DONT KNOW**

**TA: well, 2eeiing a2 we don't know 2hiit about the guy...**

**TA: bliind 2eem2 liike the operatiive concept.**

**TA: kiinda liike a bliind donatiion.**

**TA: and now we're fuckiing riich.**

**TA: 2o ii gue22 you could 2ay...**

**TA: they're the numeral2 of the bliind profiit2.**

**TA: **

**GC: HURRR 8P**

**GC: SO TH3N 1 GU3SS 1TS FROM 4N 4L13N**

**TA: yeah.**

**GC: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD T3LL K4RK4T**

**GC: WH3N3V3R H3 W4K3S UP**

**TA: ehhhhh, thii2 2hiit'2 probably not iimportant enough two bother hiim wiith.**

**TA: iif he fiind2 out, he'll probably want two hatch 2ome dumba22 plan that make2 no 2en2e.**

**TA: and badger me iintwo doiing a lot of miindnumbiing bu2ywork.**

**TA: ii'd leave hiim alone.**

**GC: WH4T DO3S H3 LOOK L1K3**

**GC: OUR BL1ND DONOR**

**TA: here come here ii'll open hiim up iin a viiewport.**

**GC: OK**

**TA: let'2 2hed 2ome...**

**TA: LIIGHT on the 2ubject.**

**TA: **

**GC: H4H4H4 TH4T W4SNT 3V3N 4NY SORT OF PUN YOU DOOFUS**

**TA: that wa2 the joke 2hut the fuck up.**


	80. Book 6 Chapter 2: The Coolkid

Chapter 2: The Coolkid

Terezi walked over to where Sollux sat at his computer. Feferi stood at Sollux's other side, curious as to what they were doing.

Sollux opened up the viewport to display some kind of a **turntechGodhead** alien dude. The small alien sat on a dead pony in the middle of a smoking crater. The pony wore a bowtie on its head and a heart on its bottom.

"Who'th thith douthchebag?" Sollux asked lispilly. Terezi shushed him. As they wathched I mean watched, a taller alien with black gloves on and triangular glasses approached the smaller one in the crater. The youngster received striking new eyewear. Quite a handsome set. Perhaps it was customary for this species after emerging from the trials in the brooding caverns? Or just _maybe_, this was some sort of coolkid they were dealing with here.

It seemed the child's lusus had been slain in the collision. He would grow up an orphan, just like Terezi. This adult alien male seemed to be taking on the role of his custodian, instead of killing the boy outright. What a fascinating culture. The fellow retrieved the lusus carcass. This appeared to be a gentleman who knew better than to let good pony meat go to waste.

The more the trolls watched, the more they learned of this young creature's civilization and its customs. The adult's puppet assistant commenced the standard feeding ritual. The little coolkid dodged back and forth as the puppet attempted to put the food in his mouth. He was making a mess of his lovely new horseleather bib. This was about as adorable as it got. Even Sollux was smiling.

This race appeared to be quite martially adept, even from early childhood. They must have proven to be very powerful SGRUB players. No wonder they'd managed to make so much money. Terezi suddenly understood everything.

Later on, the boy's favorite shirt became a gray one with a red heart on it, similar to John's spade shirt. Sollux skipped around on the timeline and images of the adult teaching the child how to turn discs and produce music appeared. Terezi found this fascinating, but Sollux just snorted. Feferi looked on.

Sollux eventually stopped much later in the timeline, not long after the adult had ceremoniously given the child one of his swords. He attempted to name the boy "Iin2ufferable Pr1ck," but it didn't work. No matter how inthufferable he found this coolkid to be, he'd need to wait until the boy's wriggling day, when he turned six solar sweeps.

"Seriously?" Terezi asked. "Step off, Mr. Appleberry blast! This kid is mine to mess with. I smelled him first!" She pushed Sollux away, and he and Feferi crashed to the floor.

Terezi cracked her knuckles and began to troll the awesome coolkid.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****turntechGodhead [TG]**

**GC: H3Y 34RTH BOY**

**GC: W41T...**

**GC: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D YOU W3R3 4 BOY**

**GC: M4YB3 YOUR3 4 G1RL?**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW MUCH 4BOUT YOUR W31RD HORNL3SS SP3C13S, 1 GU3SS YOU COULD B3 :\**

**TG: yes im a girl**

**GC: OH R34LLY?**

**GC: 34RTHL1NGS 4R3 R34LLY B1Z4RR3**

**GC: NO OFF3NS3**

**GC: WH4T 1S YOUR SP3C13S C4LL3D**

**TG: north american hollering phallus baboon**

**GC: :?**

**GC: 1 TH1NK YOU M1GHT B3 PULL1NG MY FROND, F3M4L3 34RTHL1NG**

**TG: no its true we are highly endangered**

**TG: when our territory is threatened thats when the indiscriminate fucking begins**

**TG: could fuck a circus tent down a gas tank**

**TG: bunch it up in there good**

**TG: slam the lid and drive away**

**TG: beep beep albino hairless dickmonkey coming through**

**GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T TH4T M34NS**

**GC: BUT 1 SUSP3CT 1T W4S SOM3TH1NG H1GHLY L4SC1V1OUS :|**

**TG: the glittering civilization before you was built on angry apefuck power alone**

**TG: stand agog and marvel bitch**

**GC: H4H4H4 OK TH1S 1S NONS3NS3, YOU 4R3 4 JOK3R**

**GC: L1K3 M3 :]**

**GC: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1, WH4TS YOURS**

**TG: shaggy 2 dope**

**GC: OK SH4GGY, S33**

**GC: 1 C4N SM3LL D3C31T**

**GC: L13S H4V3 4 SUBTL3 ODOR, 34SY TO M1SS 4T F1RST**

**GC: BUT TH3 MOR3 TH3Y P1L3 UP TH3 MOR3 TH3Y ST1NK!**

**GC: TH4T 1S NOT YOUR R34L N4M3**

**TG: ok sorry**

**TG: its ben stiller**

**GC: 4LSO 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34LLY 4 G1RL**

**TG: nope**

**TG: sorry to disappoint you dude**

**GC: 1 4M 4 G1RL NOT 4 BOY!**

**TG: dont care**

**GC: :[**

**GC: TH1S F1RST 3NCOUNT3R 1S NOT GO1NG 4S W3LL 4S 1 HOP3D**

**TG: oh man another failed trolling attempt**

**TG: i had such high hopes trapezi it started out brilliantly**

**GC: T3R3Z1!**

**GC: 4ND 1 4M NOT TROLL1NG YOU, 1 4M JUST TRY1NG TO G3T TO KNOW 4 L1TTL3 4BOUT YOU 4ND YOUR SP3C13S**

**GC: 1 JUST D1SCOV3R3D 1T 4ND 1 4M CUR1OUS**

**TG: excuse me but it says right in the header of this conversation that youre trolling me**

**TG: persterchum always knows**

**GC: OH...**

**GC: OH Y34H**

**GC: BUT**

**GC: OK TH1S M1GHT B3 H4RD FOR 4N 34RTH B4BOON TO UND3RST4ND**

**GC: BUT TROLL 1S 4 V3RB TH4T H4S 4 LOT OF NU4NC3**

**GC: TH3 WORD C4N M34N 4 LOT OF TH1NGS**

**GC: FOR 1NST4NC3, 1 4M 4 TROLL!**

**TG: no shit**

**GC: NO 1 M34N**

**GC: TH4TS WH4T MY SP3C13S 1S C4LL3D**

**TG: ok**

**TG: let me just set aside some time to be stupid enough to believe that**

**TG: hey looks like next month is chemical lobotomy month youre in luck**

**GC: OH GOD WH4T 4 SM4RT4SS!**

**GC: SM4RT4SS13ST 4L13N 3V3R**

**TG: so what do you think**

**TG: time to block you yet or what**

**GC: NO!**

**GC: L3TS K33P T4LK1NG**

**GC: UM**

**GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG NOW**

**TG: drawing a comic**

**GC: H3Y 1 L1K3 TO DR4W TOO**

**GC: 1M R34LLY QU1T3 GR34T 4T 1T**

**TG: awesome**

**GC: C4N YOU SHOW M3 YOUR COM1C**

**TG: nah**

**GC: COM3 ON**

**GC: 1 W1LL DR4W YOU SOM3TH1NG 1N R3TURN**

**GC: 1T W1LL B3 4 CULTUR4L 3XCH4NG3**

**TG: i dunno**

**TG: you seem kinda young to me and this thing is like**

**TG: borderline pornographic**

**TG: how old are you**

**GC: 6**

**TG: goddamn**

**TG: ok now youre messing with me arent you you arent 6**

**GC: NO 1TS TRU3!**

**TG: whatever thats bullshit**

**TG: ok fuck it**

**TG: just dont tell your parents**

**GC: WH4T 4R3 P4R3NTS**

**TG: thats just about the saddest thing i ever heard get said**

**TG: here**

**TG: (tinyurl)****/CDandSL**

**GC: 1 4M NOT SUR3 WH4T 1S PORNOGR4PH1C 4BOUT TH4T**

**GC: 1TS JUST K1ND OF STR4NG3**

**TG: i guess**

**GC: 1TS PR3TTY GOOD THOUGH**

**TG: its ok**

**TG: im not thrilled with this direction though i think its too much like my bros stuff**

**TG: need to figure out my own ironic statement to make**

**TG: spread my wings you know**

**GC: Y3S**

**GC: 1 TH1NK YOU C4N DO TH4T**

**GC: YOU JUST H4V3 TO F1GUR3 OUT WH4T TH3 TRUTH 1S 1NS1D3 YOU**

**TG: pretty deep troll girl**

**GC: 1TS TRU3!**

**GC: TH3R3 1S 4 LOT 1N YOUR M1ND WH1CH 1S CONC34L3D FROM YOUR SURF4C3 P3RC3PT1ON**

**GC: YOU JUST N33D TO TRY TO B3COM3 4W4R3 OF 1T**

**GC: CLOS3 YOUR 3Y3S**

**GC: 4ND T3LL M3 WH4T YOU S33 1N YOUR M1NDSP4C3**

**TG: ok**

**TG: i see**

**TG: that fucking puppet**

**GC: H4H4 Y3S YOUR 4DULT CUSTOD14NS S3RV4NT PUPP3T**

**TG: uh what**

**GC: WH4T 3LS3 DO YOU S33**

**TG: man i dunno**

**TG: wheres this drawing you promised me**

**GC: OH Y34H**

**GC: H4NG ON**

**GC: OK H3R3 YOU GO B3N ST1LL3R**

**GC: (tinyurl)****/FORB3NST1LL3R**

**TG: oh my fucking hell**

**TG: that is horrendous**

**TG: in the most beautiful way**

**GC: TH4NK YOU B3N :]**

**TG: god damn**

**TG: that mouth**

**TG: its like**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: a fucking pork chop**

**TG: jegus**

**TG: i mean jesus**

**TG: so overwhelmed i cant even damn type**

**GC: Y3S W3LL**

**GC: B3N 1 4M DR4W1NG W1TH 4 MOUS3 YOU KNOW**

**TG: is there even any other way to draw on a computer**

**TG: fuckin doubt it**

**GC: 1M ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK YOUR N4M3 1SNT B3N**

**GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S 4NOTH3R RUS3**

**GC: T3LL M3 YOUR R34L N4M3! :[**

**TG: ok lets say its**

**TG: dave why not**

**GC: D4V3!**

**GC: TH4T SM3LLS L1K3 TRUTH**

**GC: 1 W1LL D3C1D3 TO B3L13V3 1T :]**

**TG: fuck**

**GC: OK D4V3, 1 H4V3 4 LOT TO DO**

**GC: BUT 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU**

**TG: what the hell could you possibly have to do**

**TG: doesnt seem like youre into trolling us as much as your numbnut friends**

**GC: MY FR13NDS?**

**GC: 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG OTH3RS L1K3 M3 H4V3 TROLL3D YOU**

**TG: yeah what didnt you get the memo**

**GC: 1 WR1T3 TH3 M3MOS!**

**GC: 1 M1GHT NOT H4V3 WR1TT3N TH1S ON3 Y3T THOUGH...**

**GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY RUN TH1S BY**

**GC: UH**

**GC: MY L34D3R**

**TG: your leader**

**TG: thats a retarded thing to say even by the standard of your own bullshit made up vernacular**

**GC: SM4RT4SS!**

**TG: whos he really**

**TG: your boyfriend or something**

**GC: PFFFFFFFF Y34H R1GHT**

**GC: W3LL OK**

**GC: 1 M34N**

**GC: 1TS B33N SORT OF COMPL1C4T3D W1TH H1M**

**TG: ok asking for an explanation on that is pretty much the exact opposite of what im doing**

**TG: and interesteds the opposite of what im being**

**GC: SM4RT**

**GC: 4SS**

**GC: :P**

**GC: 4CTU4LLY H3S K1ND OF SM4RT4SSY L1K3 YOU NOW TH4T 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: BUT YOU S33M C4LM 1NST34D OF SHOUTY 4LL TH3 T1M3**

**GC: 4LSO**

**GC: YOU TYP3 1N BR1GHT BOLD R3D**

**GC: YOU DONT H1D3 TH3 COLOR OF YOUR BLOOD L1K3 4 STUP1D W1GGL3R :]**

**TG: ok that remark was almost as boring as it was weird**

**GC: OH P1P3 DOWN D4V3, 1 4M TRY1NG TO P4Y YOU 4 COMPL1M3NT!**

**GC: 1 4M HOLD1NG OUT TH3 1NT3RSP3C13S OL1V3 BR4NCH H3R3, 4ND YOU 4R3 G1V1NG 1T 4 GOOD F1RM S4SS GR4B**

**TG: haha**

**GC: ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL RU3 4LL TH1S S4SS YOU H4V3 D1SH3D D4V3**

**GC: YOU M4Y NOT B3 4 G1RL, BUT YOU W1LL CRY L1K3 ON3 WH3N 1 4M THROUGH W1TH YOU**

**TG: i dont cry**

**GC: YOU W1LL**

**GC: TH3R3 W1LL B3 T34RS**

**GC: TH3Y W1LL SM3LL S4LTY, 4ND TH3N YOUR CH33KS W1LL B3 MY S4NDY B34CH 8]**

**TG: oh god**

**GC: OK, 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU 4FT3R YOU B3G1N PL4Y1NG**

**GC: TH4T W1LL B3 N3XT SOL4R SW33P FOR YOU**

**GC: TRY NOT TO B3 TOO 1MP4T13NT FOR MY R3TURN**

**TG: i plan on forgetting about you instantly after this conversation**

**GC: Y34H R1GHT**

**GC: YOU KNOW 1 H4V3 L3FT MY M4RK**

**GC: 1 4M S33R3D 1NTO YOUR R3T1N4S**

**GC: L1K3 4 B1G R3D SUN**

**TG: well maybe**

**TG: even if thats the case**

**TG: ill just forget on principle**

**GC: TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T 4 COOL K1D WOULD TRY TO DO**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: pretty cool guy here**

**TG: case you hadnt noticed**

**GC: 1 MOST C3RT41NLY D1DNT H4DNT NOT1C3D :]**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ****turntechGodhead [TG]**


	81. Book 6 Chapter 3: 4 MF D4NC3 P4RTY!

Chapter 3: 4 MOTH3R FUCK1NG D4NC3 P4RTY!

SUDD3NLY, TH3 N4RR4T1V3 SH1FT3D TO TH3 4W3SOM3 COOLK1D. 1N 4 D1FF3R3NT G4M3 S3SS1ON. 1N TH3 FUTUR3.

Dave sat in a vat of boiling water. A group of crocodiles sliced various vegetables and threw them at him. The onions caused tears to pour from his eyes.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **\- **

**TG: what the fuck was the point of this again**

**GC: WHY D4V3**

**GC: WH4T 1S TH1S TH4T MY NOS3 D3T3CTS**

**GC: COULD 1T B3**

**GC: T34RS? :O**

**TG: this is bullshit**

**TG: this was a setup all along**

**GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULD CRY D4V3**

**GC: 1 TOLD YOU BRO... 8y**

**TG: ok jegus**

**TG: dont say it**

**TG: if you say i warned you about tears or something one more time**

**TG: i swear to gog**

**GC: DONT!**

**GC: DONT S4Y YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO 4N 4CROB4T1C SOM3RS4ULT OR P1RHOU3TT3 OFF OF SOM3TH1NG, J3GUS**

**GC: 1 G3T 1T 4LR34DY!**

**TG: ok fine**

**TG: our memes can cancel each other out this time**

**GC: Y3S 4GR33D**

**GC: NOW DRY THOS3 SORRY 3Y3S D4V3**

**GC: TRY NOT TO B3 SUCH 4 FUCK1NG W1MP**

**GC: 1T 1S UNFL4TT3R1NG B3H4V1OR FOR 4 COOLK1D OF YOUR ST4TUR3**

**TG: god dammit**

**TG: im not actually crying**

**TG: its the fucking onions**

**TG: these piece of shit crocodiles are lambasting me with them**

**GC: TH4TS TH3 L4M3ST 3XCUS3 1V3 3V3R H34RD**

**GC: WHO 3V3R H34RD OF 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 ON1ON M4K1NG SOM3ON3 CRY, 1T 1S 4BSURD**

**TG: i guess the stench of onions is covering up the smell of the truth how convenient**

**TG: also your nose sux youre not even any good at smellin at all**

**GC: 8O TH4T 1S OUTR4G3OUS**

**GC: BUT 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 JUST TRY1NG TO G3T MY 34RTH GO4T**

**GC: FOR HUM4N 1RON1C PURPOS3S**

**TG: the only thing im getting**

**TG: is out of this goddamn idiot cauldron here**

**GC: NO D4V3 DONT! YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS SOUP**

**GC: 1T 1S M4K1NG M3 HUNGRY JUST TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T :O~**

**TG: the only thing im going to make**

**TG: is like banana and split**

**TG: out of this bubbling pail of misery**

**GC: OH GOG...**

**GC: YOUR3 R1GHT**

**GC: YOU 4R3 S1TT1NG 1N 4 HUG3 P41L :o**

**TG: why whats the relevance of that**

**TG: tell me its more alien nonsense it will be so awesome to hear more of that**

**GC: 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO 3XPL41N 1 WOULD B3 TOO 3MB4RR4SS3D**

**TG: man**

**TG: why did i ever agree to go along with this horseshit**

**GC: B3C4US3 YOU H4D TO, 1T W4S 1N YOUR FUTUR3**

**GC: 4ND B3S1D3S YOU MUST US3 D1PLOM4CY TO W1N OV3R YOUR CONSORTS**

**GC: S33 LOOK D4V3, TH3Y 4LL LOV3 YOU NOW! YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO, 1TS YOU :]**

**GC: NOW TH3Y W1LL G1V3 YOU 4LL TH3 S3CR3TS OF TH3 L4ND**

**TG: what secrets**

**TG: they dont have any secrets**

**TG: look at them theyre morons**

**TG: the only secret theyve got is how many times a day they accidentally flush their medical alert bracelets down the toilet**

**GC: D4V3, TH3Y 4R3 STUP1D 4ND Y3T V3RY W1S3**

**GC: YOU H4V3 MUCH TO L34RN 4ND 1 W1LL K33P H3LP1NG YOU L34RN 1T!**

**GC: 3V3N 1F YOU 4R3 4 HUG3 CRYB4BY WHO 1S 34S1LY UPS3T BY CHOPP3D V3G3T4BL3S**

**TG: ok im gonna change out of this wet suit**

**TG: and into a dry shut your fucking mouth**

**GC: 8Y BLUHHHHHHH**

Dave climbed out of the pail and changed into the Four Aces Suited.

**TG: there now i wont be satisfying your crazy red fetish either**

**GC: :'C**

**GC: NOW 1 4M CRY1NG TOO YOU S33 WH4T YOU D1D**

**TG: all you get to smell is black**

**TG: like licorice or something**

**TG: you hate licorice right**

**GC: 1 LOV3 L1COR1C3**

**TG: shit**

**TG: ok lets say i dont smell like licorice then**

**TG: i smell like**

**TG: a coal miners asshole**

**GC: TOO L4T3!**

**GC: 1T 4LR34DY SM3LLS L1K3 L1COR1C3 S1NC3 YOU S41D TH4T, 4ND NOW 1 C4NT UNSM3LL 1T**

**TG: whatever**

**TG: anyway**

**TG: probably bout time i got on with this game**

**TG: sans these pointless sidequests you want drag me through for kicks**

**TG: later terezi nice knowing you**

**GC: W41T!**

**GC: YOU C4N'T D1TCH M3, W3V3 GOT 1MPORT4NT STUFF TO DO TOG3TH3R**

**TG: unlikely**

**GC: OH**

**GC: H3Y :o**

**GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3?**

**TG: you told me remember**

**GC: Y34H, BUT 1 THOUGHT YOU FORGOT!**

**TG: why would i forget**

**GC: YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT OF FORG3TT1NG!**

**TG: oh**

**TG: i guess i forgot i was supposed to forget**

**GC: W3LL TH3N**

**GC: M1ST3R D4V3 STR1D3R**

**GC: 1 4M GL4D TH4T YOU FORGOT TO FORG3T :D**

**TG: uh alright**

**GC: OH!**

**GC: SP34K1NG OF FORG3TT1NG TO NOT FORG3T TH1NGS**

**GC: 1 FORGOT TO SHOW YOU TH1S**

**GC: PR3TTY SPOT ON DONT YOU TH1NK**

**GC: (tinyurl)****/SPOTONSTR1D3R**

**TG: what the hell**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: 4BSOLUT3 P3RF3CT1ON!**

**GC: 4ND TH3R3 GO3S TH3 B1G M4N 1N H1S 34RTH SPORT, DR1V1NG TH3 HOOP THROUGH TH3 P41NT...**

**GC: DOWN TOWN!**

**TG: whats your obsession with making this goofy bullshit anyway**

**TG: is it troll irony**

**GC: 1 H4V3 D3V3LOP3D 4 P4SS1ON FOR COMB1NG YOUR 1NT3RN3T FOR TH3 COOL K1DS**

**GC: 4ND M4K1NG TH3M COOL3R**

**GC: BY STR1D3RFY1NG TH3M :]**

**TG: dont get me wrong its awesome**

**GC: TH4NK YOU D4V3**

**GC: HON3STLY 1 TH1NK 1 4M 4 B3TT3R 4RT1ST TH4N 1 H4V3 PR3S3NT3D SO F4R**

**GC: 1F ONLY 1 COULD DR4W YOU SOM3TH1NG W1TH MY CH4LK :\**

**GC: OH!**

**GC: 1 KNOW, 1 C4N BORROW MY FR13NDS DR4W1NG T4BL3T**

**GC: 1 W1LL DO TH4T 1N 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3**

**TG: thats cool**

**GC: D4V3 W3 SHOULD TR4D3 SOM3 DR4W1NGS**

**GC: YOU 4ND M3**

**TG: sure thats fine**

**TG: im still gonna go off and do my own thing though**

**TG: later**

**GC: W41T!**

**TG: dammit what**

**GC: OK 1 G3T TH4T YOU 4R3 TH1S R4D LON3R 4ND YOU TH1NK YOU H4V3 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT**

**GC: BUT HOW 4BOUT TH1S**

**GC: 1F 1 4M M34NT TO H3LP YOU, TH3N YOUR FUTUR3 S3LF OUGHT TO V1S1T YOU R1GHT NOW 4ND G1V3 YOU 4 THUMBS UP, R1GHT?**

**GC: 1T W1LL B3 YOUR W4Y OF CONF1RM1NG TO YOURS3LF TH4T 1 C4N B3 TRUST3D**

**GC: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y YOU WOULD PL4N TO DO TH4T 1N TH3 FUTUR3 1F YOU 3ND UP R3GR3TT1NG MY H3LP**

**GC: DO3S TH4T SOUND F41R?**

**TG: yeah fine but i doubt that i**

**TG: oh fuck there i am hiding behind that column**

**GC: 8D**

Dave behind the column gave normal Dave a thumbs up and Dave gave him a thumbs up back.

**TG: ok so whats the plan**

**GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU WOULD N3V3R 4SK**

**GC: TH3R3 4R3 SO M4NY PL4NS**

**GC: W3 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 SO BUSY D4V3, YOU H4V3 NO 1D34**

**TG: thats cool**

**TG: but whats the answer that doesnt have anything to do with meaningless bullshit**

**GC: 1SNT 1T OBV1OUS?**

**GC: NOW TH4T W3 4R3 4 T34M D4V3**

**GC: YOU 4ND M3**

**GC: 1T 1S T1M3**

**TG: time**

**TG: for**

**GC: T1M3**

**TG: for**

**TG: come on**

**GC: FOR...**

**TG: ...**

**TG: ...**

**GC: ...**

**GC: FOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...**

**TG: god dammit**

**GC: 4 MOTH3R FUCK1NG D4NC3 P4RTY! :O!**

**GC: (tinyurl)****/OMGD4NC3P4RTY**

**TG: whoa**

Dave walked into a tunnel and down an elevator platform. Bright flashing lights surrounded him as the platform made its way down.

**TG: its like**

**TG: watching a miracle made of nothing but twitching schroder legs**

**GC: YOU S33 D4V3**

**GC: 1 TOLD YOU, YOU W1LL NOT R3GR3T H1TCH1NG YOUR SH1TTY JP3GGY FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 TO MY CONST3LL4T1ON**

**GC: TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH3 P4RTYS 4T**

**TG: look at us go**

**TG: i cant stop watching**

**TG: damn**

**TG: those moves**

**GC: TRUST M3**

**GC: TH3S3 MOV3S DONT STOP K33P T4K1NG PL4C3**

**GC: NOT 4T TH1S P4RTY**

**TG: i can see im going to have to drop everything**

**TG: drop it like its simultaneously hot and i just tripped over the rug**

**TG: dedicate my undivided attention to this shit**

**GC: D4V3, WHY TR1P OV3R TH4T RUG...**

**GC: WH3N YOU C4N CUT 1T? :]**

**GC: T4PP4 T4P T4P 4 P4P!**

**GC: SHOOSH SHOOSH!**

**TG: damn youre right**

**TG: truth be told everyone will be tripping when im done**

**TG: once i upset this biznasty with my swift cuts**

**TG: dudes will phalanx themselves agape like theyre offerin to store my shit in their mouths for the night**

**TG: rows of glasseyed human fly catchers beholding categorical fucking domination of the dance floor**

**TG: but they wont catch none cause the flys all mine**

**GC: YOU H4V3 4LL TH3 D3L1C1OUS FL13S**

**TG: theres not any i dont have**

**TG: im crafting a new dance move**

**TG: to shock the shit out of asses in pants**

**TG: fred astaires ghost will weep in the arms of his own nimble rotting corpse**

**GC: WH4T 1S YOUR N3W MOV3 D4V3 :?**

**TG: its called**

**TG: the smug cracker parlor wiggle**

**GC: :O**

**GC: 1 1M4G1N3 TH3S3 GYR4T1ONS W1LL SM3LL QU1T3 FR3SH**

**GC: L1K3 R3C3NTLY L34V3N3D GRUBLO4F**

**TG: of course**

**TG: and just when the scene thought it was startin to recover from its ridiculous erection over that**

**TG: thats when i bust out another fierce move**

**TG: i call it rageclock me in the douche smirk plz**

**TG: cut out to the rude jam "askin 4 it!"**

**GC: HOW RUD3 WOULD YOU S4Y TH1S J4M 1S D4V3**

**TG: id say if i had to take an educated guess it was outright goddamn unmannerly**

**TG: needs to get worked over by some stuffy prude at finishing school**

**GC: W1LL YOU T34CH M3 TH3S3 MOV3S**

**TG: i dont know about that**

**GC: PL34S3 D4V3**

**GC: YOU ST4ND TH3R3 4ND DO TH3 UNM4NN3RLY MOV3S, 4ND 1 W1LL OBS3RV3 STUD1OUSLY**

**TG: i dont know if you can keep up with me kid**

**TG: no offense**

**TG: theres just magic in these shoes and the coy gnome i ransacked wants them goddamn back**

**GC: COM3 ON**

**GC: YOU T4K3 TH3 L34D**

**GC: 4ND 1 W1LL FOLLOW**

**GC: L1K3 TH1S**

**GC: (tinyurl)****/T34CHM3YOURMOV3SD4V3**

**TG: ahahahahahaha**

The elevator platform reached the bottom with a click. Dave stepped off and the machine went back up. He found himself in a long cylindrical tunnel with lava pouring out the walls. He walked along a raised path in the middle of it, wondering where he'd end up.

**TG: i feel like i should be offering some visual rebuttal here**

**TG: you arent giving me any time though dammit**

**GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 1 H4V3 YOU 4T TH3 T3MPOR4L D1S4DV4NT4G3**

**GC: 1 C4N P4US3 4ND DO WH4T3V3R 1 L1K3 4ND TH3N CONT1NU3 OUR CONV3RS4T1ON W1THOUT M1SS1NG 4 ST3P!**

**GC: BUT DO NOT WORRY D4V3**

**GC: 1T WOULD B3 4 SH4M3 TO H4V3 TO WH1FF YOUR FR4GR4NT T34RS 4G41N**

**GC: 3V3NTU4LLY TH3 T4BL3S W1LL TURN 4ND TH3 4DV4NT4G3 W1LL B3 YOURS**

**GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 4LL TH3 T1M3 1N TH3 PR3N4T4L UN1V3RS3 4T YOUR D1SPOS4L**

**GC: B31NG TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3 4ND 4LL**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i keep forgetting i can time travel**

**TG: thats fine i guess**

**GC: 4ND ONC3 YOU H4V3 TH3 UPP3R H4ND**

**GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 MOR3 D4V3S SCR4MBL1NG 4ROUND TH4N YOU C4N SH4K3 4 BROK3N SWORD 4T**

**GC: TH3N YOU W1LL G3T YOUR CH4NC3 TO 1MPR3SS M3 ;]**

**GC: L1K3 SO**

**GC: (tinyurl)****/TH3FLO4R-1SONF1R3**

**TG: see**

**TG: i cant compete with this**

**GC: H3H3H3H3H3**

**TG: but seriously what is the real plan here**

**TG: that has to do with not fucking around**

**GC: TH3R3 1S NO PL4N TH4T DO3S NOT 1NVOLV3 FUCK1NG 4ROUND **

**GC: BUT W3 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 4LL OF OUR FUCK1NG W1LL B3 4PPL13D 1N 4 CONSTRUCT1V3 D1R3CT1ON **

**TG: ok could you try to be somehow even less subtle when you hit on me thanks**

**GC: WH4T **

**GC: WH4T D1D 1 S4Y? **

**TG: man**

**TG: nevermind**

**GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 TO FORG1V3 M3 D4V3, 1 TH1NK SOM3T1M3S TH3 M34N1NG OF WORDS 1S LOST THROUGH OUR CULTUR4L D1FF3R3NC3S **

**TG: no shit**

**TG: im going to infer that your species reproduces by having sex with a grub in a bucket or something**

**TG: am i close**

**GC: D4V3 **

**GC: TH4T 1S 4BSOLUT3LY TH3 F1LTH13ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD 4NYON3 S4Y :\ **

**TG: ok sorry**

**TG: back on point**

**TG: what are we doing**

**GC: W3LL, W3 N33D TO ST4RT M4K1NG YOU SOM3 MON3Y **

**GC: LOTS 4ND LOTS 4ND LOTS OF 1T! **

**TG: ok**

**GC: WH3N YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP 3NOUGH **

**GC: W3 W1LL BUY YOU YOUR F1RST FR4YMOT1F **

**GC: TH3N YOU C4N ST4RT CUTT1NG OUT TRULY TH3 FLY3ST OF MOV3S **

**GC: 4ND TH4T 1S WH3N W3 W1LL B3G1N TH3 MOST POORLY B3H4V3D D4NC3 P4RTY OF 4LL :D **

**TG: sounds cool**

**GC: D3MONS 4ND D3N1Z3NS 4L1K3 W1LL TR3MBL3 B3FOR3 YOUR F1DG3TY GYR4T1ONS **

**GC: 4ND MOST 1MPORT4NTLY, YOU W1LL PROV3 YOURS3LF TO B3 TH3 B3ST HUM4N BOY OF 4LL **

**GC: W4Y B3TT3R TH4N TH4T DORKY 3GB3RT 4ND WHO3V3R M1GHT B3 M3DDL1NG W1TH H1M 4T 4NY G1V3N MOM3NT **

**TG: huh what an odd thing to say**

**TG: it demands no explanation whatsoever**

**GC: NO OF COURS3 NOT **

**TG: so how do i start making all this money**

**GC: P4T13NC3! **

**GC: R3M3MB3R HOW 1 S41D YOU H4V3 PL3NTY OF T1M3 **

**TG: tell me anyway**

**GC: OK W3LL T4K3 WH4T YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP FROM CL1MB1NG YOUR 3CH3L4DD3R TO ST4RT W1TH **

**GC: HOW MUCH DO YOU H4V3? **

**TG: dont know**

**TG: i never even looked at it**

**GC: D3RRRRP, N1C3 JOB 4C3 G4M3R **

**GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 LOOK 4T 1T **

**TG: k**

**GC: 4ND TH3N 1 W1LL 4DV1S3 YOU L4T3R 4FT3R OBS3RV1NG TH3 GR4ND SCH3M3 OF 4LL TH1NGS 4ND 4LL D4V3S **

**GC: 1 W1LL L34V3 YOU 4LON3 FOR 4 L1TTL3 WH1L3 TO W4ND3R 4ND 3XPLOR3 **

**GC: BUT 1 W1LL B3 B4CK! **

**GC: 4ND 1 W1LL COM3 B4CK W1TH 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T **

**GC: 4ND TH3N YOU W1LL S33 SOM3 TRU3 M4ST3RP13C3S **

**TG: ok after all this hype you better be prepared to fucking dazzle me**

**TG: are you gonna bring it?**

**GC: 4LLOW M3 TO PROV1D3 4N 4NSW3R THROUGH 1NT3RPR3T1V3 D4NC3 **

**GC: (tinyurl)****/H3LLFUCK1NGY3S**

**TG: awesome**

**TG: peace out t-z**

**GC: :) **

**TG: oh shit**

**GC: :?**

Dave had reached the end of the tunnel. Before him stood a large orange crocodile temple structure in the middle of the water. But that wasn't his concern. Mr. Grumpypants McTroll was bothering him.

**GC: WH4T 1S 1T?**

**TG: fuck**


	82. Book 6 Chapter 4: Fruity Rumpus Assholes

Chapter 4: Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering arachnidsGrip ****[AG]** **\- **

**EB: hey vriska!**

**EB: ok, i still cannot find my nanna up here, so now i am just installing this game.**

**EB: what are you up to?**

**AG: John! What the hell. There are so many things wrong with what you just said.**

**AG: First of all, who told you you could just hassle me without warning like this? That's not how this works!**

**EB: why not? you guys do it all the time.**

**AG: Yes, 8ecause we are trolling you! Those are the rules. We get to 8ug you any time we feel like, and you have to sit there and t8ke it like a chump.**

**EB: bluh...**

**AG: I am too 8usy to 8e fielding your nonsense at the drop of one of your a8surd human hats. I have a ridiculous num8er of irons in the fire. You will speak to me only when I am ready to contact you, is that clear?**

**EB: that's dumb. i'm going to talk to you whenever i want!**

**AG: Secondly, I am very pissed off that you figured out my name.**

**EB: well, i didn't know it was your name for sure until you just told me now.**

**EB: so, haha.**

**AG: Dammit!**

**AG: Who told you?**

**EB: heheh, i am not telling.**

**EB: a true wise guy never reveals his tricks.**

**AG: I will find out who told you. And then I will m8ke them p8y.**

**EB: nuh uh!**

**EB: anyway, i was just wondering if you had a chance to watch that awesome video i linked you to?**

**AG: What video?**

**EB: you know...**

**EB: the one about the renegade hero who busted loose from the slammer to save the day.**

**AG: John, the way you descri8e movies makes them sound extremely stupid. Why would I want to watch this crap?**

**EB: just do it, you won't be sorry.**

**EB: i mean, when you are not so busy and have less irons in the fire or whatever.**

**EB: ok, i am starting this game now and saving jade, like a street tough maverick with nothing to lose.**

**EB: see ya, vriska!**

**AG: XXXX|**

**EB: oh, damn...**

**AG: ::::?**

**AG: What is it now! **

**EB: fuck.**

Vriska noticed that John was preoccupied with something now. How dare he bother her and then leave her hanging like this? She guessed she could spare a moment to watch this terrible video John had sent her. Why did the nerdy kid have to be so persuasive?

She opened up her bookmarks and clicked on the link. She was brought to a video on Youtube that was called "Nick Chinlund: Con Air (1997) - Last Scene 'How do I live'". She paused the video a few seconds in and looked at the protagonist - Cameron Poe. Her eyebrows raised in infatuation.

She reached her hand out as the camera zoomed in on his face and pictured him standing there, looking at her. She planted a blue lipstick kiss on Nick Cage's lips, sealing her flushed crush on the actor forever.

John took a deep breath and answered Karkat.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.**

**CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND.**

**EB: oh no.**

**EB: which conversation is this for you? your second or so?**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT**

**EB: i mean...**

**EB: the second time you have spoken to me?**

**EB: or first?**

**CG: JOHN, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THIS IS OUR TEN MILLIONTH CONVERSATION.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: i thought you were going backwards though.**

**CG: I WAS**

**CG: GOT BACK TO THE BEGINNING**

**CG: AND THEN JUMPED AHEAD AGAIN A BUNCH OF TIMES.**

**CG: STOP BEING SO LINEAR, IT'S GETTING OLD.**

**CG: NOW I NEED YOU TO JOIN THIS MEMO SO WE CAN DISCUSS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.**

**EB: memo?**

**CG: CLICK THE AWESOME BANNER I MADE.**

In the next line, Karkat inserted a banner saying "Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory". Below the words were four shitty clip art pictures of an apple, an orange, a lemon, and a lime.

**EB: uh...**

**EB: ok.**

Dave stood in the tunnel somewhere underground in LOHAC and answered Karkat.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]**

**CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.**

**CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND.**

**TG: i thought you were asleep**

**CG: YES DAVE, I WAS ASLEEP AT ONE POINT.**

**CG: IT STANDS TO REASON I AM NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE ASLEEP AT EVERY POINT ON ALL TIMELINES.**

**CG: THAT REALLY MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE.**

**CG: NOW YOU, ME, AND EGBERT NEED TO HAVE A CHAT.**

**CG: HERE I MADE A COOL BANNER USING SOME OF YOUR SHITTY EARTH CLIP ART.**

**CG: CLICK IT.**

Karkat proceeded to insert the same banner he had in his conversation with John.

**TG: not cool**

**TG: luring me into your cyber boobytrap with shitty clip art who told you my weakness**

**CG: IT'LL WORK, WON'T IT?**

**TG: obviously**

**?CG** **AT ?:? opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY. **

**CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CTG: what**

**CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CEB: ok, i am here.**

**CEB: oh, hi dave!**

**CTG: hey**

**CEB: what is going on in here?**

**CTG: some kinda asshole rumpus looks like**

**?CG: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, I HATE YOU BOTH, ETC. ETC. ETC.**

**?CG: NOW THAT THE PLEASANTRIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.**

**?CG: THIS MEMO IS NOT ABOUT WHICH GUY CAN MANAGE TO BE THE HEFTIEST SACK OF SHAME GLOBES TO ONE ANOTHER.**

**?CG: IT IS NOT ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US WILL MOST DECISIVELY ESCORT THE OTHERS "TO SCHOOL", WHERE THEY WILL RECEIVE A VAST HELPING OF "OH SNAP" RAMMED DOWN THEIR INSATIABLE IGNORANCE SHAFTS.**

**?CG: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE HERE AND NOW, SO YOU WILL BOTH SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP AND PERHAPS BEGIN TO APPROXIMATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED.**

**CTG: ok later windbag**

**?CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF**

**?CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.**

**CEB: yeah, dave, don't go!**

**CEB: i think we should listen to what he has to say.**

**?CG: YES, LISTEN TO YOUR LEADER DAVE.**

**?CG: AS DUMB AS EGBERT IS, HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND IS THE RIGHTFUL SUPERIOR AMONG YOUR DREARY LITTLE PARTY.**

**?CG: BUT I AM THE SUPERIOR OF BOTH OF YOU AND WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE DOING IS LISTENING TO ME.**

**?CG: SO DAVE, TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GOD DAMNED SECOND**

**?CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATEFRIENDLY ADVICE:**

**?CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT'S FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO WATCH.**

**CTG: nah**

**CEB: haha, dave you're hitting on terezi? really?**

**CTG: no**

**CTG: but whatever he thinks im doing im not going to stop**

**CTG: the guys jealous obviously he thinks his girlfriend has a thing for me and you know what hes probably right**

**CTG: but what else is new just another lady from outer space mackin on me whatever chance she gets**

**?CG: OH, HA HA! IF SMUG WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVER A FUCKING CANYON.**

**?CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS MASS SUICIDE.**

**CEB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend?**

**?CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC.**

**?CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN'T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT'S RIGHT.**

**CTG: pretty sure she is**

**CTG: or he thinks she is or something**

**CTG: made it pretty obvious when he started ranting at me months ago**

**CTG: back when i suspected these trolls were full of shit**

**CTG: but now look how far weve come**

**CTG: theres not any doubt left about that at all**

**?CG: EVEN IF THERE WAS ANYTHING GOING ON, WHICH THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!]**

**?CG: OUR ROMANCE IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE JOKE THAT PASSES FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE CONCEPT.**

**?CG: YOU ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT! THAT'S JUST ABSURD.**

**CTG: right**

**CTG: sounds like its time to get a clue she is over you dude**

**CEB: what is so different about your romance?**

**CEB: what's a quadrant? how many do you have?**

**CTG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us**

**CTG: first of all weve got to be on record here as not giving a shit about that**

**CTG: second obviously theres gonna be 4 quadrants come on**

**?CG: JOHN, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING THE SMART ONE.**

**?CG: DAVE IS NOW THE LEADER, EVEN THOUGH HE'S A SMUG SHITSTAIN WITH SHADES AND A POKER FACE.**

**?CG: IF THERE WERE FIVE, THEY'D BE CALLED QUINTDRANTS, GET IT?**

**CEB: wow, okay!**

**CEB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez.**

**?CG: YES, EXACTLY. WHO CARES?**

**?CG: AS FASCINATING AS A LECTURE ON ALL THAT WOULD BE, IT'S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.**

**?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS.**

**?CG: JOHN, DON'T THINK I DIDN'T NOTICE HOW MANY E'S YOU JUST TYPED THERE.**

**?CG: THAT'S GOT TO STOP TOO.**

**CEB: what does?**

**?CG: STOP TALKING TO VRISKA. I'M FUCKING SERIOUS.**

**CEB: what!**

**CEB: no way. vriska's cool, i'll talk to her all i want!**

**?CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**?CG: YOU JACKASSES HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELVES INTO.**

**?CG: THEY'RE DANGEROUS, AND YOU'RE JUST BLUNDERING RIGHT INTO THEIR HYPERCOMPETITIVE MINDFUCK MURDER-THICKET.**

**?CG: THESE PSYCHO GIRLS HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN EACH OF YOU KILLED AT LEAST ONCE TO MY KNOWLEDGE.**

**CEB: well, yeah...**

**CEB: but terezi killed me in an alternate timeline, so that isn't too bad i guess.**

**CEB: plus, i am pretty sure that she is sorry about it.**

**?CG: OH GOD, YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT?**

**?CG: AND YOU'RE STILL GETTING UP TO THESE ANTICS**

**?CG: YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING HOPELESS, I GIVE UP.**

**CTG: k then bye**

**?CG: SHUT YOUR SQUAWK GAPER AND STAY PUT.**

**?CG: I'M NOT DONE.**

**CTG: sounds like a loudmouth inferiority thing going on here to me**

**CTG: like you dont want to acknowledge that your troll ladies find a couple of human dudes irresistible**

**?CG: YOU DON'T GET IT.**

**?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY VARIOUS BITS OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF, THESE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF YOU PRETTY HARD.**

**?CG: THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE SWEPT YOU BOTH INTO THEIR SICK ASSASSINATION GAMES IS SADLY WHAT MAKES THIS OBVIOUS.**

**?CG: THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.**

**CEB: wait...**

**CEB: are you saying that vriska is interested in me?**

**CEB: like, romantically?**

**?CG: EGBERT JUST EARNED A FEW BRAIN POINTS!**

**?CG: HE HAS REACHED A NEW RUNG ON HIS ECHELADDER, "EASILY OUTFOXED BY SIMPLE UTENSILS"**

**?CG: "BUCKAROO"**

**?CG: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT**

**CTG: smooth**

**CEB: oh man.**

**CEB: uh...**

**?CG: YES LET'S ALL HAVE A GREAT BIG OH MAN OVER THAT**

**?CG: AND THEN FUCKING CUT THE HORSESHIT FOREVER. SOUND GOOD?**

**CEB: i'm not sure what to think about this.**

**CEB: dave, what do you think i should do?**

**CTG: i dunno**

**CTG: do you like her**

**CEB: well, like i said, i thought she was pretty cool...**

**CEB: kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly.**

**CTG: yeah ok**

**CTG: but i mean**

**CTG: anything more than that**

**CTG: like**

**CTG: if earth wasnt destroyed and she werent in some other universe on a planet full of unspeakable frothing dipshits**

**CTG: and she was on earth visiting your town or something**

**CTG: would you want to ask her to go see one of your dumbass movies**

**CTG: like the new maconnohey jam where he smirks and like all but deliberately draws the audiences ire like a goddamn magnetron**

**CEB: mcconaughey!**

**CEB: um, wow, i don't know.**

**CEB: i mean, yeah, sure it would be fun to do something like that with her, i think.**

**CEB: but...**

**CEB: beyond that, it's a little confusing!**

**CEB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do...**

**?CG: HOLY FUCK WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE?**

**CTG: doesnt concern you dude**

**?CG: OK JOHN, ARE YOUR FEELINGS QUITE SORTED OUT YET?**

**?CG: ARE YOU QUITE DONE SLOGGING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL MORASS OF ADOLESCENCE, EMERGING FROM THE SLUDGE IN YOUR JUNIOR ECTOBIOLOGY WADERS?**

**?CG: ARE WE FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT WISER? DID WE GROW TODAY? THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL!**

**?CG: YOU WOULD THINK WARNING YOU GUYS THAT FRATERNIZING WITH THESE FEMALES IS PUTTING YOUR LIVES IN DANGER WOULD BE ENOUGH.**

**?CG: REALLY, DANGER YOU SAY? OH GOODNESS, WE NEARLY MADE A HUGE MISTAKE! WHY THANK YOU, MR. TROLL, HOW GRACIOUS OF YOU TO ALERT US TO OUR FOOLISHNESS.**

**CTG: i dunno man doesnt sound like you really got our interests in mind here**

**CTG: you just sound kinda bitter**

**CTG: did one of the human ladies reject you**

**?CG: OF COURSE NOT.**

**CTG: how did it go did you stand in a quadrant like you were playing four square**

**CTG: holding a bucket full of flowers or slime or whatever and jade was like no thanks bro**

**CTG: is that how it went down**

**?CG: YES, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YOU ARE A SAVANT OF XENOBIOLOGY DAVE AND I SALUTE YOU WITH ONE OF MY MANY INTERGALACTIC SPACE TENDRILS**

**?CG: (THAT'S FAKE, I MADE THAT UP TO FUCK WITH YOU)**

**CTG: or maybe it was a guy who rejected you**

**?CG: FUCK OFF.**

**CTG: haha wow bingo**

**CTG: see how i look right now thats a poker face might want to take some notes**

**?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR WOMEN AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT'LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT.**

**CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time**

**CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude**

**CTG: john just a heads up in the future i think youre gonna spurn one of his awkward advances**

**CEB: uh oh!**

**?CG: JOHN DON'T LISTEN TO THIS FUCKER, HE'S THE WORST GUY AT GIVING ADVICE I'VE EVER SEEN.**

**CEB: yeah, i dunno dave, i have talked to karkat a lot and i really don't think he has a thing for me.**

**?CG: EXACTLY. JOHN ONCE AGAIN IS FLYING HIGH AS SMARTEST HUMAN.**

**?CG: AND JOHN, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US IN THE FUTURE DOES MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND...**

**?CG: BECAUSE OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES**

**?CG: I MEAN NO ONE IN PARTICULAR HERE**

**?CG: MAYBE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON MIGHT NOT BE THINKING TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT**

**CEB: uh...**

**?CG: IT MIGHT BE THE CASE THAT THIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP IN A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL**

**?CG: AND GET CARRIED AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WERE BLIND TO HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD IT WOULD BE TO PURSUE ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ANOTHER SPECIES**

**?CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A CALIGINIOUS RELATIONSHIP**

**CTG: what**

**CTG: the fuck**

**CTG: are you talking about**

**?CG: BUT I'M NOT THAT PERSON. I HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON HOW DERANGED AND UNNATURAL ANY SORT OF INTERSPECIES RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE, WHETHER CALIGINOUS OR CONCUPISCENT.**

**?CG: SO I ASK**

**?CG: NO I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU BOTH**

**?CG: TO QUIT CHATTING UP THESE SHITHIVE BROADS AND LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.**

**CTG: thats obviously not gonna happen**

**?CG: FUCK.**

**?CG: LOOK.**

**?CG: ALRIGHT I ADMIT THIS ISN'T PURELY MAGNANIMOUS CONCERN FOR YOUR SAFETY HERE.**

**?CG: WE'RE ALL SORT OF COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW.**

**?CG: MY RIGHT NOW.**

**?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MAY, AND I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WITH ALL OF US MEETING FACE TO FACE.**

**?CG: AND WHAT I'D LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE**

**?CG: IS TO HAVE THIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LOT OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS.**

**?CG: THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT FOR ME, OK?**

**?CG: REALLY THE ONLY SCENARIO THAT I AM SURE WOULD CAUSE ME TO REGRET SUCCESS. GOT IT?**

**CEB: er...**

**CEB: do...**

**CEB: you think that vriska is going to try to make out with me?**

**?CG: SHUT UP.**

**?CG: I'M NOT ANSWERING YOUR DUMB QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW MUCH SNOGGING YOU'RE IN FOR AND I'M NOT PLAYING INTERSPECIES MATCH MAKER HERE.**

**?CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?**

**?CG: I SHOULDN'T EVEN NEED TO BE SAYING THIS.**

**?CG: GOD DAMMIT, IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN FEMALES NEARBY FOR ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS!**

**?CG: DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM?**

**CEB: rose and jade?**

**CEB: so, uh...**

**CEB: you want us to like, date them?**

**?CG: WOULD IT REALLY FUCKING KILL YOU TO CONSIDER IT?**

**?CG: I MEAN GOD. WHAT DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE IN THIS GAME?**

**?CG: YOU'RE CREATING YOUR OWN UNIVERSE TO GO LIVE IN.**

**?CG: AND JUST HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR SPECIES IS SUPPOSED TO REPOPULATE ITSELF? IDIOTS.**

**CTG: dude**

**CTG: no**

**CTG: just**

**CTG: stop**

**?CG: OH OK, SO THE ALIEN HERE IS THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED WITH THE PROPAGATION OF YOUR SPECIES.**

**?CG: THAT MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE. WHY DON'T YOU WISE THE FUCK UP, COOLDOUCHE?**

**CEB: i think he is right, i think we are all a little young to be thinking about that!**

**?CG: WELL NO SHIT, NOW YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY.**

**?CG: BUT WHAT ABOUT LATER? THINK ABOUT THE BIG PICTURE.**

**?CG: HOW DID HUMANITY GET AS FAR AS IT GOT BEING SO DUMB?**

**CEB: um, also,**

**CEB: we are kinda all related! sort of. through shared ghost slime genes. right?**

**CEB: so, uh...**

**?CG: OH RIGHT, THE BIZARRE HUMAN ANATHEMA OF INCEST, I FORGOT.**

**CTG: oh my fucking god**

**CTG: please let this conversation not be taking place**

**?CG: OK WELL LET'S SAY THAT'S HYPOTHETICALLY A PROBLEM, EVEN THOUGH I'M RACKING MY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY IT WOULD BE.**

**?CG: I GUESS I WILL HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST THAT STUPID.**

**?CG: HERE**

**?CG: (tinyurl) /****MATINGDIAGRAMFORMORONS**

**CTG: ok youre by far the worst artist out of any of us**

**CTG: and thats saying something**

**?CG: SHUT UP I DREW IT FAST**

**?CG: NOW**

**?CG: AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, THERE ARE ONLY TWO SETS OF COMPATIBLE QUADRANTS HERE FOR LEGITIMATE CONCUPISCENT PAIRINGS.**

**?CG: DAVE AND ROSE ARE "RELATED"**

**?CG: JADE AND JOHN ARE "RELATED"**

**?CG: THAT ONLY LEAVES TWO PAIRS.**

**?CG: ONCE AGAIN, THE DECISIONS PERTAINING TO HUMAN ROMANCE REMAIN STUNNINGLY SIMPLE.**

**?CG: AND YET I STILL HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.**

**?CG: NOW GO HASSLE YOUR FUTURE MATESPRITS AND LEAVE THE TROLL GIRLS ALONE.**

**CTG: thx for the shipping grid bro imma drop everything and go have a baby with jade right now**

**CTG: no peeking k**

**CEB: wow, i have to marry rose?**

**CEB: uh...**

**CEB: wow.**

**?CG: AND NOW THAT I HAVE SAVED YOUR ENTIRE WORTHLESS SPECIES WITH MY IMPECCABLE ROMANCE BROKERING SKILLS**

**?CG: I WILL BID YOU A BITTER FUCKING FAREWELL.**

**?CG: JEGUS I AM SO TIRED.**

**CTG: you should go back to sleep**

**CTG: it was so much cooler when you were asleep and i basically never had to listen to you ever**

**?CG: I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP**

**CEB: why not?**

**?CG: BECAUSE I'M TOO TIRED TO EXPLAIN WHY IS WHY.**

**?CG: YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT LATER.**

**?CG: MEMO OVER.**

**?CG: GET OUTTA HERE.**

**?CG** **banned ****CEB** **from responding to memo. **

**?CG** **banned ****CTG** **from responding to memo. **

**?CG** **closed memo.**


	83. Book 6 Chapter 5: The Laboratory

Chapter 5: The Laboratory

The narrative attempted to switch to Past Karkat, but failed because Past Karkat was asleep! So the narrative jumped slightly into the future, but still in the past, to when Past Karkat woke up.

He quickly rushed over to his computer, having remembered that he'd left the memo unfinished an hour ago when he'd fallen asleep.

**CCG: OK.**

**CCG: EVERYTHING'S FINE I GUESS.**

**PGA: What Happened**

**CCG: I PASSED OUT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.**

**CCG: FUCKING EMBARRASSING.**

**CCG: YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND YOU KNOW.**

**PGA: Shithive Maggots You Mean**

**CCG: YEAH**

**CCG: IN A GOOD WAY THOUGH.**

**CCG: OKAY I'M SHUTTING THIS MEMO DOWN FOR MY PAST SELF.**

**CCG: SINCE HE'S CURRENTLY LYING ON THE FLOOR UNCONSCIOUS AN HOUR AGO.**

**CCG: SEE YOU IN THE FUTURE NOW.**

**PGA: Til Then**

**CCG** **banned ****PGA** **from responding to memo.**

**CCG ****banned ****PCG** **from responding to memo.**

**CCG** **closed memo.**

Karkat decided to check on all of his fellow trolls, starting with Sollux, who was working at the computer right next to his. The four-horned troll turned to greet him.

**SOLLUX: hey kk mo2t of the2e computer2 are 2hiit.**

**SOLLUX: 2o unle22 youve got a real good rea2on ii dont thiink iim gonna bother fiixiing them.**

**KARKAT: I'M FINE, THANKS FOR ASKING MAN. YOUR CONCERN IS REALLY APPRECIATED, I APPRECIATE IT.**

**SOLLUX: fuck you and your priimadonna garbage, iim not goiing two break down 2obbing becau2e you pa22 out at the 2iight of a liittle blood, why dont you man up.**

**KARKAT: HEY FUCK YOU, I TURN AROUND AND SEE A CRAZY GIRL WITH A CHAINSAW AND A TSUNAMI OF BROWN. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT WE NOT TURN OUR HIDEOUT INTO A SLAUGHTERHOUSE?**

**SOLLUX: what diid you want me two do get down on the floor and kii22 your faiinted corp2e on the lii2p two wake you up on a nonexii2tant pro2piit?**

**KARKAT: LET'S NOT DO THIS, OK MAN? JUST THIS ONCE. I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY.**

**SOLLUX: yeah ok fiine.**

**KARKAT: SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THESE ALIENS, IS IT ANYTHING I SHOULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT?**

**SOLLUX: no not at all, theyre u2ele22 and uniintere2tiing liike iim sure you already gathered.**

**SOLLUX: ii recommend we dont wiith them, though aradiia 2eem2 two thiink well all be iin each other2 2ponge2 iineviitably.**

**SOLLUX: whatever, iim pretty commiited two not haviing anythiing two do wiith them ever.**

**KARKAT: GOOD, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.**

**SOLLUX: uh huh, 2ure kk by the look of 2ome of your future memo2 iit look2 liike youre gonna get pretty wound up by thii2 thiing 2oon.**

**KARKAT: MAN, FUCK MY FUTURE MEMOS.**

**SOLLUX: no way, theyre hiilariiou2, be2t thiing about haviing you a2 a leader hand2 down.**

**KARKAT: FUCK THAT SENTIMENT, AND FUCK YOU, AND FUCK FUTURE ME.**

**SOLLUX: ok. what about pa2t you, ii2 pa2t you cool.**

**KARKAT: THE ONLY GUY MORE IRRITATING AND STUPID THAN FUTURE ME IS PAST ME.**

**SOLLUX: ehehehehehehe.**

Okay, that was enough of Sollux. Karkat checked on Terezi next. She leaned on her cane.

**TEREZI: WOW CH3CK OUT WHO F1N4LLY WOK3 UP!**

**TEREZI: W3V3 B33N TRY1NG TO W4K3 YOU FOR 4N HOUR, BUT YOU W3R3 UNR3SPONS1V3 TO 3V3N TH3 MOST S3NS3L3SS OF C4N3 DRUBB1NGS :]**

**KARKAT: MY HEAD HURTS.**

**TEREZI: PROB4BLY DU3 TO TH3 4FOR3M3NT1ON3D NUB DRUBB1NGS**

**KARKAT: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE DRUBBINGS. PUT THAT CANE AWAY, DAMMIT. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN NEED IT.**

**KARKAT: I HAD A HORRIBLE DREAM, OK.**

**TEREZI: OH?**

**KARKAT: I FINALLY WOKE UP ON PROSPIT.**

**TEREZI: YOU D1D?**

**TEREZI: OH GOD, 1 C4NT B3L13V3 1 M1SS3D 1T!**

**KARKAT: YEAH WELL, SORRY WE CAN'T GO ON OUR ENCHANTED GOLDEN MAGIC CARPET RIDE OR WHATEVER YOU HAD IN STORE FOR US, BUT NOW IT'S TOO LATE.**

**KARKAT: DREAM ME IS DEAD.**

**TEREZI: 1 KNOW :[**

**TEREZI: 4LL OF US 4R3, PROSP1T W4S COMPL3T3LY D3STROY3D**

**KARKAT: OH SHIT, REALLY?**

**KARKAT: GUESS THAT'S NOT TOO SURPRISING. ANYWAY, I SAW THE DEMON AGAIN.**

**KARKAT: I THINK I KNOW WHO IT IS.**

**TEREZI: WHO 1S 1T :?**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S POSSIBLE...**

**KARKAT: I NEED TO SEARCH FOR MORE ANSWERS BEFORE I KNOW FOR SURE.**

**TEREZI: STOP B31NG MYST3R1OUS 4ND T3LL M3!**

**KARKAT: NO WAY. I'M NOT JUMPING TO HASTY CONCLUSIONS. IF IT TURNS OUT I'M RIGHT, THEN I GUESS WE BOTH GET TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO.**

**TEREZI: 4RGH, F1N3**

**TEREZI: SO, YOU S4W H1M JUST B3FOR3 H3 D3STROY3D PROSP1T?**

**KARKAT: YEAH. AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE BAD PART OF THE DREAM.**

**TEREZI: TH4T W4S 4N HOUR 4GO! WH4T H4V3 YOU B33N DR34M1NG 4BOUT S1NC3?**

**KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.**

**KARKAT: THE BOTTOM LINE IS, EVERYONE HERE IS FORBIDDEN FROM GOING TO SLEEP.**

**TEREZI: FORB1DD3N?**

**KARKAT: YES, AS YOUR LEADER, I AM ORDERING ALL PROSPIT DREAMERS TO STAY AWAKE, NO MATTER HOW TIRED YOU GET.**

**TEREZI: UM, 4LR1GHT :/**

**KARKAT: DO YOU EVER EVEN GET TIRED?**

**TEREZI: WH4TS TH4T SUPPOS3D TO M34N!**

**KARKAT: ALL YOU DO IS RUN YOUR MOUTH ALL DAY, AND SNIFF AND LICK PEOPLE INAPPROPRIATELY WITH THAT SHIT EATING GRIN.**

**KARKAT: I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER EVEN SEEN YOU YAWN.**

**TEREZI: 1M G3TT1NG PR3TTY T1R3D R1GHT NOW 4S 4 M4TT3R OF F4CT**

**TEREZI: T1R3D OF YOUR BULLSH1T!**

**KARKAT: GOD I'M TIRED.**

**TEREZI: SO GU3SS WH4T**

**TEREZI: W3V3 B33N 1N CONT4CT W1TH SOM3 4L13NS FROM TH3 UN1V3RS3 W3 CR34T3D**

**KARKAT: OK. SO?**

**TEREZI: DONT YOU TH1NK TH4TS K1ND OF N34T?**

**KARKAT: NO. IT'S BORING. WHO CARES?**

**TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT 4S OUR 1NTR3P1D L34D3R TH4T W4S SOM3TH1NG YOU M1GHT W4NT TO KNOW**

**KARKAT: ALRIGHT, AS LEADER, I RECOMMEND WE DELIVER THEM A DELIGHTFUL GIFT BASKET VIA TRANSUNIVERAL BULGE THRUST.**

**KARKAT: ARE YOU TAKING THIS DOWN?**

**TEREZI: :P**

**TEREZI: 1M NOT S4Y1NG W3 N33D TO M4K3 FR13NDS W1TH TH3M OR 4NYTH1NG, BUT W3V3 B3GUN TO SUSP3CT TH3Y H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO DO W1TH OUR S3SS1ON, P4R4DOX1C4LLY SP34K1NG**

**KARKAT: IS ANYTHING EVER NOT PARADOXICALLY SPEAKING?**

**TEREZI: M4YB3 W3 C4N F1GUR3 OUT 4 W4Y TO G3T OURS3LV3S OUT OF TH1S J4M?**

**KARKAT: NOPE. I ALREADY TOLD YOU. WE'RE DOOMED. A MEANINGLESS RACE OF ALIENS WON'T CHANGE THAT.**

**KARKAT: NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT A LOT OF IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO.**

**TEREZI: YOU M34N 4 LOT OF 1MPORT4NT W4ND3R1NG 4ROUND 41ML3SSLY 4ND T4LK1NG TO P3OPL3?**

**KARKAT: YES, EXACTLY.**

Just past Terezi, a pile of shitty horns sat on the ground.

"Look at this shit all over the floor!" Karkat yelled in outrage. They'd barely been here a couple of hours and Gamzee turned the lab into his own personal clown sty.

Speaking of which, there was the troll himself. Gamzee was in the midst of some kind of a stupid dance. Karkat stormed over to him. The clown troll looked at him with a contented grin upon his face as he approached.

**GAMZEE: HeY CaN I HeLp a tIrEd lOoKiNg bRoThEr gEt hIs mOtHeRfUcKiN NaP On?**

**GAMZEE: sLeEp iN ThE HoRn pIlE? oNlY 420 bOoNdOlLaRs**

**KARKAT: I JUST SLEPT ON THE FLOOR FOR AN HOUR, DOES IT LOOK I NEED A NAP?**

**KARKAT: BESIDES, I JUST BANNED EVERYONE FROM SLEEPING, SO DON'T GO PULLING THIS HORN PILE INN KEEPER SHIT, GOT IT?**

**KARKAT: ALSO, STOP DANCING. IT'S AWFUL.**

**GAMZEE: Ok wElL If yOu gEt yOuR MiNd aLl cHaNgEd aBoUt tHaT ThEn yOu kNoW WhErE To fInD ThE PiLe, BeSt fRiEnD**

**KARKAT: OH YEAH, ALSO CLEAN YOUR FUCKING GARBAGE OFF THE FLOOR. IF THIS SHIT ISN'T GONE IN A FEW HOURS I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO FLIP OUT.**

**GAMZEE: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk! :o)**

Karkat walked over to Eridan, who was also nearby.

**ERIDAN: wwhat a fuckin vvulgar display this is**

**ERIDAN: airin out all his dirty laundry like that puttin a big fuckin pile a horns in the middle of the room**

**ERIDAN: at least i got the upright basic decency to hide my shitty wand pile somewwhere in the lab you wwont find it dont evven bother lookin**

**KARKAT: WHY DO YOU ASSHOLES HAVE PILES OF THINGS, JUST STOP.**

Karkat walked away disgustedly. Who else was nearby? Oh, Kanaya was over there at her computer.

**KARKAT: HEY I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO YOU IN THE PAST. REMEMBER YOU WERE FUCKING AROUND WITH THE VOLCANO AND I PASSED OUT FOR AN HOUR?**

**KANAYA: Vaguely**

**KARKAT: THAT WAS NOW. HEY GUESS WHAT, NEW ORDERS. NO MORE IMPROMPTU AMPUTATIONS, OK?**

**KANAYA: Impromptutations**

**KARKAT: YEAH. KEEP YOUR LIPSTICK CAPPED OK. I DON'T WANT TO TURN AROUND AND SEE RAINBOW BLOOD SPRAYING EVERY WHICH WAY JUST CAUSE YOU THINK THE PLACE IS A LITTLE DRAB.**

**KANAYA: I Did My Best To Clean Up The Blood Before You Woke Up**

**KARKAT: THANKS FOR THAT. ALSO ANOTHER NEW ORDER. DON'T GO TO SLEEP.**

**KANAYA: Dont Worry I Dont Really Want To Find Out What Happens If I Do"**

**KANAYA: Any Other Orders**

**KANAYA: Such As Those Which Might Pertain To These Alien Children**

**KARKAT: YEAH, MY ORDERS ARE THAT THEY'RE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, AND WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.**

**KANAYA: How Are Those Orders**

**KARKAT: BECAUSE I'M YOUR LEADER THAT'S HOW.**

**KANAYA: They Are Not Irrelevant**

**KARKAT: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.**

**KANAYA: Its A Bit Complicated**

**KANAYA: But I Believe You Should Give Them A Closer Look Before You Decide What To Do About Them If Anything**

**KANAYA: Perhaps Then An Especially Leaderly Speech Will Be In Order**

**KARKAT: OK I DOUBT THAT BUT WHATEVER.**

Next to Kanaya, Vriska was also working at her computer. Karkat walked over to her.

**KARKAT: HEY VRISKA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING.**

**KARKAT: PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET IT BE SOMETHING INCONSEQUENTIAL AND BENIGN.**

**VRISKA: Karkat! Man, you were out for a long time. I have made so many plans for these humans while you were asleep. Do you know how many plans have 8een made?**

**KARKAT: PROBABLY ALL OF THEM, EVEN THOUGH PLANS AREN'T REALLY AN EXHAUSTIVELY QUANTIFIABLE THING AND WE BOTH FUCKING KNOW THAT.**

**VRISKA: Yes! Aaaaaaaall of them. So many irons too. Guess where the irons are****!**

**KARKAT: PLEASE DON'T LET THEM BE IN THE FIRE, PLEASE DON'T LET THEM BE IN THE FIRE…**

**VRISKA: They are...**

**VRISKA: IN**

**VRISKA: THE**

**VRISKA: FIIIIIIIIRE! ::::)**

**KARKAT: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.**

**KARKAT: LOOK WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, STOP. OR PUT IT ON PAUSE. CAN YOU PLEASE DO THAT?**

**KARKAT: I WASN'T GOING TO BOTHER WITH THE HUMANS BUT NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS. JUST GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO LOOK INTO THIS MATTER, AND THEN I'LL BRIEF EVERYBODY.**

**KARKAT: MAYBE WITH A SPEECH OR SOMETHING. CAN YOU DO THAT?**

**KARKAT: PLEEEEEEEEASE? I JUST SAID THAT WITH EIGHT E'S.**

**VRISKA: Fine, I will take a 8r8k, Karkat. 8ut only 8ecause you were so polite a8out it.**

**VRISKA: It will give me a chance to go get some stuff done!**

Nearby, a Fiduspawn host plush lay on the ground. It looked like someone needed to stop playing games for girls. Karkat marched up to Tavros and his new metal legs.

**TAVROS: hEYYY, yOU'RE AWAKE,**

**KARKAT: HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN AWESOME TIME TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAW YOUR LOWER TORSO OFF AND REPLACE IT WITH ROBO LEGS?**

**TAVROS: nO,**

**KARKAT: ANY GODDAMN TIME BEFORE NOW. YOU KNOW, DURING OUR WHOLE ADVENTURE WHEN THEY MIGHT HAVE COME IN HANDY.**

**KARKAT: ALSO WHEN I DIDN'T HAPPEN TO BE STANDING AROUND. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO SWEET.**

**TAVROS: oHH, sORRY, i MEAN i WAS KIND OF ASLEEP TOO, sO, i DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF SAY,**

**TAVROS: iN THE MATTER,**

**KARKAT: DID YOU SEE HIM?**

**TAVROS: wHO,**

**KARKAT: THE DEMON. WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP.**

**TAVROS: nO,**

**KARKAT: HE WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I TOLD YOU TO LOOK, BUT I GUESS YOU WERE TOO BUSY FROLICKING IN THE SKY OR WHATEVER YOU DO ON THAT GAUDY YELLOW MOON.**

**TAVROS: oH, mAN, yEAH SKY FROLICKING WAS PROBABLY DEFINITELY THE THING i WAS PREOCCUPIED BY,**

**KARKAT: ANYWAY, THAT WAS JUST BEFORE HE BLEW THE PLACE UP.**

**TAVROS: wHOA, iS THAT WHAT HAPPENED,**

**KARKAT: IDIOT.**

**KARKAT: JUST DON'T GO TO SLEEP. SPREAD THE WORD.**

**TAVROS: i COULDN'T POSSIBLY SLEEP NOW, i'M TOO EXCITED ABOUT THESE AWESOME LEGS, lOOK AT ME GO, wHOOPS,**

Tavros fell over. With a sigh, Karkat helped the bull troll to his feet and walked over to Equius.

**KARKAT: THIS ROBOLEG BULLSHIT WAS YOUR IDEA WASN'T IT.**

**EQUIUS: D - I only supplied the technological means, though my lobbying for a hooven quadrupedal lower torso went tragically disregarded**

**KARKAT: OK I HEREBY ORDER YOU TO NEVER EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING SOMEONE HORSELEGS AGAIN, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD.**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes, I can follow that order, sir**

**EQUIUS: D - Are there any other orders you would like to issue to me in a manner that is similarly forceful**

**KARKAT: I ALSO ORDER YOU TO STOP GETTING OFF ON MY ORDERS. FOR LIKE THE FIVE HUNDREDTH FUCKING TIME.**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes, and you will continue to order me to do so. I command it**

**EQUIUS: D - ...**

**EQUIUS: D - I need a towel**

**KARKAT: GO HAVE YOUR BUTLER GET YOU ONE YOU SNOOTY DOUCHE.**

**EQUIUS: D - Aurthour is dead, and so is his ghost**

**EQUIUS: D - Remember**

**KARKAT: YEAH.**

**KARKAT: SORRY MAN, I FORGOT. DIDN'T MEAN TO BRING UP A SORE SUBJECT.**

**EQUIUS: D - Is this where embrace jocularly, as if we are "bros"**

**EQUIUS: D - I will be as gentle as possible**

**KARKAT: DON'T TOUCH ME.**

He walked away disgustedly and… seriously? Another piece of junk on the floor? It was almost impossible to cross the room without tripping over the goddamn thing. What was a "Unireal Air" even supposed to be. It was like some sort of shitty one-wheeled skateboard. The mess in this laboratory was unireal! I mean unreal…

Karkat walked over to where Nepeta stood.

**NEPETA: :33 oh god this is so great, they look like they are so much fun!**

**KARKAT: WHO**

**NEPETA: :33 the humans!**

**KARKAT: WHAT'S A HUMAN**

**NEPETA: :33 the alien kids! come on karcat, you need to stop taking all these silly naps and get up to sp33d**

**KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING**

**KARKAT: YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PULLING YOUR RP NONSENSE ON THEM HAVE YOU? TALK ABOUT A SHITTY FIRST ENCOUNTER.**

**KARKAT: OK AS LEADER, I FORBID YOU FROM RP'ING WITH THEM.**

**NEPETA: :33 but equius already furbid me from doing that :((**

**NEPETA: :33 not that i am listening to him, but shhhhh! :33**

**KARKAT: WAIT, HE DID?**

**KARKAT: OK, THEN AS YOUR LEADER I ORDER YOU TO RP WITH THEM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. BE AS OBNOXIOUS ABOUT IT AS YOU CAN.**

**NEPETA: :33 yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!**

Karkat decided to speak with Feferi next.

**FEFERI: Finally! So Karkat, w)(at was your dream like after you died? I )(ave been glubbing like crazy over )(ere wondering about it.**

**KARKAT: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. JUST DON'T GO TO SLEEP.**

**KARKAT: OH WAIT, YOU'RE A DERSE DREAMER, RIGHT? NEVER MIND, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. LITERALLY.**

**FEFERI: You look so nervous and pale. Were you scared of w)(at you saw?**

**KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT NOT TALKING ABOUT IT DON'T YOU GET.**

**FEFERI: T)(ere's no reason to be scared! T)(ey are not as terrible as t)(ey look.**

**FEFERI: W)(en Derse is destroyed, I am going to go to sleep and prove it.**

**FEFERI: I will prove it to you, and to t)(em as well.**

**KARKAT: THEM?**

**FEFERI: Our new friends! You'll see. -Everyt)(ing is going to be ok.**

**FEFERI: T)(IS IS PR-ETTY -EXCITING! Don't you t)(ink?**

**KARKAT: "M-E)("**

**FEFERI: GLUB TO T)(AT ATTITUD-E! 38O**

Karkat decided to talk to Aradiabot next. She was the last one on his mental list. He'd crossed everyone else off.

**ARADIA: have y0u decided t0 tr0ll them yet**

**KARKAT: NO. THEY ARE IRRELEVANT.**

**ARADIA: never mind**

**ARADIA: lets pretend i didnt say that and lets als0 pretend it isnt inevitable**

**ARADIA: just keep listening t0 y0ur angry impulses it will all be fine**

**ARADIA: actually i guess i c0uld kill y0u right n0w and st0p it all fr0m happening thus d00ming us all in an 0ffsh00t timeline**

**ARADIA: i might c0nsider it if we all werent d00med anyway**

**ARADIA: and if y0u werent my friend**

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT WAS GREAT? WHEN YOU USED TO NOT BE A ROBOT.**

**KARKAT: CAUSE THIS ROBOT THING? THIS IS BULLSHIT.**

**KARKAT: IF WE WEREN'T ALL ABOUT TO DIE, I'D DEDICATE OUR WHOLE TEAM TO FINDING A WAY TO BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE.**

**KARKAT: BUT WE ARE SO GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO RIDE OUT THE NEXT FEW HOURS WITH A SPOOKY TIN CAN PSYCHOPATH, SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST.**

ARADIA: 0_0


	84. Book 6 Chapter 6: Tavros's Tumble

Chapter 6: Tavros's Tumble

The narrative attempted to shift to Future Aradia, but failed, because in the future, Future Aradia had exploded!

Instead, the narrative shifted to Terezi, who also wanted to check on everyone. She walked over to Eridan first

**ERIDAN: hey ter can you go givve that four horned mustard blooded land licking sack of rubbish ovver there a message for me**

**ERIDAN: tell him to put his honey wwhere his mouth is and meet me outside for another duel**

**TEREZI: 1 4M NOT M3D14T1NG B3TW33N YOU TWO!**

**TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY, COULD YOU M4K3 YOUR 4DV4NC3S 4NY MOR3 OBV1OUS 3R1D4N?**

**TEREZI: 1F YOUR3 W4X1NG 4SH3N FOR M3, F1N3, 1... GU3SS 1M FL4TT3R3D?**

**TEREZI: BUT H3S TOT4LLY NOT 3V3N 1NT3R3ST3D 1N TH3 TYP3 OF**

**TEREZI: UH...**

**TEREZI: R1V4LRY YOU W4NT W1TH H1M, OK?**

**ERIDAN: swweet stinkin murder i am truly pathetic arent i**

**TEREZI: Y3S, 4BSOLUT3LY**

She shook her head at the pathetic sea dweller and walked over to Gamzee.

**GAMZEE: HeY CaN I InTeReSt yOu iN KiCkIn tHe wIcKeD ShIt iN ThE HoRn pIlE FoR A FeW ZeEs?**

**GAMZEE: CoSt yOu oNe pInCh oF SpEcIaL StArDuSt.**

**TEREZI: TH4NKS G4MZ BUT NO 1 4M NOT T1R3D**

**TEREZI: 1 M4Y GO FOR 4NOTH3R UN3XP3CT3D HONK JUMP SOON THOUGH**

**GAMZEE: Oh pLeAsE No dOnT Go mOtHeRfUcKiN GeTtInG My sCaRe oN LiKe tHaT, I CaNt bE HaRdLy hAnDlInG ThAt NoIsE.**

**TEREZI: SORRY BUT WH3N 4 G1RL H4S TO G3T H3R HONK JUMP ON TH3R3 1S JUST NO STOPP1NG H3R**

**GAMZEE: OkAy wElL MaYbE WaRn mE ThEn mAyBe.**

**TEREZI: NO PROM1S3S!**

**GAMZEE: :o(**

**TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3**

Terezi checked on Kanaya next.

**TEREZI: H3Y K4N4Y4, 4R3 YOU ST1LL OGL1NG H3R?**

**KANAYA: What**

**KANAYA: Is That What Im Doing**

**TEREZI: Y3S 1T 1S OBV1OUS**

**TEREZI: WHY TH3 1NF4TU4T1ON W1TH TH4T P4RT1CUL4R HUM4N**

**KANAYA: Hmm**

**KANAYA: I Guess I Find Her Sort Of**

**KANAYA: Intoxicating**

**TEREZI: OHHHHHHHHHHH? 8D**

**KANAYA: Intoxicatingly Underwhelming**

**TEREZI: :?**

Vriska was next to Kanaya, so Terezi went to her next.

**VRISKA: Hey, if it isn't miss money8ags! How are you enjoying your fa8ulous wealth!**

**VRISKA: If it was me, I would feel ashamed to get rich that way. 8y having a secret admirer just hand it to me like that, rather than earning it. That's just me though!**

**TEREZI: GOD, YOUR J34LOUSLY 1S R1D1CULOUS! NOBODY C4R3S 4BOUT STOCKP1L1NG M34N1NGL3SS TR34SUR3 OTH3R TH4N YOU. W1LL YOU GROW UP?**

**VRISKA: I guess you're right. I'm just giving you a hard time!**

**VRISKA: You know, like the good old days. Don't you miss our friendly rivalry sometimes?**

**TEREZI: H4H4H4, FR13NDLY?**

**VRISKA: Sure! So to speak.**

**VRISKA: Anyway, just so you know, you're not the only one who can play a chumpy 8oy, and manipul8 him into doing what you want.**

**VRISKA: In fact, I'm not even going to use any powers! Just to prove it's no 8ig deal.**

**TEREZI: WH4T TH3 H3LL 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT**

**VRISKA: You'll see! Oops, smell. Haha, 8n't it a 8ummer you never died?**

**TEREZI: NO :P**

**VRISKA: Oh well. Anyway, let's get this party started. I declare the chumpy impressiona8le human 8oy-off to 8e...**

**VRISKA: OOOOOOOON! :::;)**

**TEREZI: UGH, YOU 4R3 SO CR4ZY**

And then Equius.

**EQUIUS: D - It's mystifying**

**EQUIUS: D - In spite of my warnings, he seems absolutely committed to being attracted to cases of stairs like a goshdarned magnetron**

The robot-builder began to sweat.

**EQUIUS: D - Now that I think about it, I should probably deactivate his pelvic magnetron**

**TEREZI: 3W…**

Maybe she'd skip Equius. She moved on to Tavros.

**TEREZI: LOOK1NG PR3TTY COOL T4VROS! :]**

**TAVROS: tHANKS, i FEEL GREAT, aND REALLY CONFIDENT SUDDENLY,**

**TAVROS: lIKE, aS IF rUFIO GAVE ME BOTH THE HIGH FIVES HE HAS, aND THEN SORT OF ONE OF THOSE BRO MASSAGES, aS IF TO SAY,**

**TAVROS: yOU'RE THE CHAMP, oR THAT KIND OF THING,**

**TEREZI: DONT L3T 4NYON3 3V3R T3LL YOU RUF1O'S NOT R34L**

**TEREZI: 1F YOU B3L13V3 H4RD 3NOUGH 1N 1M4G1N4RY TH1NGS, TH4T M4K3S TH3M SL1GHTLY L3SS F4K3!**

**TAVROS: oKAY, tHAT'S GREAT ADVICE TO KNOW,**

**TAVROS: nOW i'M GOING TO GET SOME MORE LEG PRACTICE IN,**

**TAVROS: i FEEL LIKE i COULD TAKE ON ALL THE STAIRS IN PARADOX SPACE, aND i JUST PRETENDED AS HARD AS I COULD THAT rUFIO WINKED IN AGREEANCE,**

**TAVROS: sEE YOU LATER, aFTER, i'M DEFINITELY SUCCESSFUL AT ALL THE THINGS i TRY,**

Tavros walked off to a Transportalizer and disappeared deeper into the meteor. Upon taking a deep breath, Terezi looked around, shrugged, and followed him.

She arrived in a sort of intermedial room. There were two Transportalizers to the north and south and treasure chests to the east and west.

Terezi checked the eastern chest to find Karkat's clawsickle. It pulsated as if it were alive. With a disgusted expression, she slammed the lid shut again and locked the chest.

She crossed the room and opened the other chest. Aw, just some boondollars inside. Who cared.

She walked through the northern Transportalizer and arrived in the zodiac hub. She was surrounded by 12 portals, each leading to a makeshift respiteblock, one for each troll. No one was allowed to enter any of the other trolls'. If Tavros had gone into his room, she couldn't go in after him.

Terezi returned to the intermedial room and went through the southern Transportalizer. On the other side was a staircase leading down into the control rooms. There was a chest along the wall, which Terezi eagerly opened. She never knew what she'd find in them. Inside, however, was one of Equius's broken bows, along with a broken arrow. Why was nothing in these chests any good these days? She slammed it closed.

She walked down the first flight of steps to a landing, where she found another chest. Inside was Kanaya's chainsaw, some blood still remaining on it.

"Yuck," she said, making a face.

She turned to walk down the next flight of steps and was surprised to see Tavros lying at the bottom. Come on! Had no one told him about stairs? Had no one warned him, bro? Or told him, dog?

She ran down and talked to Tavros.

**TAVROS: i WAS WARNED ABOUT THEM,**

**TAVROS: aND YET, i THREW CAUTION TO THE WIND,**

**TAVROS: iT TURNED OUT THAT,**

**TAVROS: rUFIO WAS ALMOST AS WRONG AS,**

**TAVROS: hE WAS FAKE,**

**TEREZI: OH MY GOD, T4V!**

**TEREZI: 4R3 YOU OK4Y?**

**TAVROS: yEAH, i THINK,**

**TAVROS: tHAT i MIGHT, bE FINE,**

**TAVROS: i'LL TRY TO, bUT IT'S NOT CERTAIN, tHAT I MIGHT, uM, bE OKAY,**

**TAVROS: i'LL JUST KIND OF, lIE HERE, aWKWARDLY ON THE FLOOR fOR A WHILE,**

Terezi chuckled a bit and walked past him, seeing the gleam of a couple more treasure chests. They contained a Pupa Pan poster and a beautiful musclebeast nude. Terezi had been extremely culturally enriched. Tavros twitched on the ground.

The troll girl proceeded down some more steps to another treasure chest. Oh, it was Aradia's old computer, the Crosbytop! Who was this douchebag, anyway?

After a few more flights of steps, Terezi arrived at the bottom of the stairwell and opened another chest to find… (cue the Troll Legend of Zelda music) Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah dah dah… DUN DUN DUN DUN! A broken robot part! Terezi tossed Equius's shitty scraps aside and stepped onto another Transportalizer.

She reappeared in the old ectobiology lab where Karkat had ectobiologically created 24 paradox wrigglers, twelve of which were them. A chest in the corner held some glass jars. But… what was there to even get milk from around here? Oh sweet jegus…

Terezi crossed the lab and passed through another Transportalizer, sending him back to the lab.

She decided to continue to talk to the other trolls. Tavros would survive on his own. She walked over to Nepeta first.

**NEPETA: :33 terezi! so tell me! who is your favorite?**

**TEREZI: F4VOR1T3 WH4T?**

**NEPETA: :33 human kid!**

**NEPETA: :33 oh of course, you like akwete purrmusk with the black glasses!**

**NEPETA: :33 he is pretty cute, but mine is jade**

**TEREZI: OH R34LLY?**

**NEPETA: :33 yes, i have tried to make friends with her, but so far she thinks i am just teasing her!**

**NEPETA: :33 its pretty furstrating. i will purrsevere though**

Feferi was nearby, so Terezi talked to her next.

**FEFERI: Terezi, we can't just )(ide )(ere forever! We )(ave to kill t)(e demon!**

**TEREZI: 1 KNOW! BUT HOW? H3 S33MS 1NV1NC1BL3**

**TEREZI: 1F 4 THOUS4ND 4R4D14BOTS COULDNT K1LL H1M, WH4T HOP3 DO W3 H4V3?**

**FEFERI: T)(e )(umans! T)(ey are t)(e answer.**

**TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4, S3R1OUSLY?**

**FEFERI: Y-ES! I am sure of it.**

**TEREZI: UM, OK, 1F YOU S4Y SO F3F3R1!**

Next was Aradia.

**ARADIA: 0h is that what feferi thinks**

**ARADIA: thats nice**

**ARADIA: havent y0u underst00d anything ab0ut h0w parad0x space w0rks**

**ARADIA: 0f c0urse they are the s0luti0n**

**ARADIA: but they are als0 the pr0blem**

**ARADIA: every effect is als0 its 0wn cause**

**ARADIA: 0ur tw0 universes exist 0n 0pp0sing sides 0f a m0bius strip which is 0f c0urse n0thing but c0ntradicti0n**

**ARADIA: enj0y engineering the present c0nundrum as y0u try t0 s0lve it**

**ARADIA: im c0mpletely d0ne with this**

**TEREZI: GR34T T4LK1NG TO YOU 4R4D14, TH4T W4S 4 BL4ST4S USU4L**

And then Sollux.

**SOLLUX: are you 2tiill 2pyiing on that iin2ufferable priick.**

**SOLLUX: 2eriiou2ly a dude giive2 a giirl a few buck2 and 2uddenly 2he cant keep her no2e off hiim, iit ii2 2o prediictable.**

**TEREZI: SHUT UP SOLLUX H3S COOL**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT G3T WHY YOU DONT L1K3 H1M, H3 R3M1NDS M3 OF YOU 4 B1T**

**SOLLUX: you thiink iim cool?**

**TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S!**

**SOLLUX: how often?**

**SOLLUX: don't 2ay half the tiime.**

**TEREZI: :|**

**SOLLUX: oh god ii walked riight iinto that one diidn't ii.**

Terezi walked back to Karkat.

**TEREZI: 4R3NT YOU 4T L34ST 4 L1TTL3 D1S4PPO1NT3D W3 N3V3R GOT TO H4NG OUT TOG3TH3R ON PROSP1T?**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS?**

**KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE WE DIDN'T GET TO HANG OUT PLENTY OF OTHER PLACES.**

**TEREZI: YOU DONT G3T 1T! TH3R3 W3R3 4LL TH3S3 TH1NGS 1 W4S PL4NN1NG ON SHOW1NG YOU 4ND STUFF W3 COULD H4V3 DON3 TOG3TH3R**

**TEREZI: 1T W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 SP3C14L DUMMY**

**KARKAT: WHAT WAS SO SPECIAL ABOUT IT? THE FACT THAT IT WAS A MOON MADE OF GOLD?**

**KARKAT: BIG DEAL. THE PLACE WAS WAY TOO BRIGHT AND GARISH.**

**TEREZI: 444444RGH, YOU 4R3 SO FRUSTR4T1NG!**

**TEREZI: JUST**

**TEREZI: N3V3R M1ND :[**

Just then, Vriska walked over to them. Karkat turned to her annoyedly.

**KARKAT: JUST... PLEASE.**

**KARKAT: GO FIND SOME REMOTE CORNER OF THIS LAB, BUILD YOURSELF A NICE WEB, AND SIT THERE PEACEFULLY AND HARMLESSLY UNTIL WE ALL DIE. OK?**

**VRISKA: Die? Lame.**

**VRISKA: Karkat, there is a8solutely no chance we are going to die.**

**VRISKA: Not with my luck! I got all of it, remem8er?**

Vriska winked at Terezi.

**VRISKA: The Scourge Sisters are 8ack in action! Yeah!**

**TEREZI: NO W3 4R3 NOT! W1LL YOU STOP W1TH TH4T 4LR34DY?**

**VRISKA: Sure we are! You'll find out. Just give it a few hours.**

**TEREZI: 1 W1LL G1V3 YOU 4 F3W DRUBB1NGS!**

**VRISKA: Yes! That's the spirit, Redglare.**

**TEREZI: BL4R, PL34S3 DO NOT ST4RT US1NG MY OLD FL4RP1NG N4M3, 1T'S SO 3MB4RR4SS1NG**

The narrative briefly switched to Eridan in the future. He stood at his computer and screamed in rage.

**ERIDAN: fuck that fuckin wwitch bleww up my computer**

**ERIDAN: ok not literally the wwitch as in thats not literally her title or anythin**

**ERIDAN: the seer i guess**

**ERIDAN: fuckin lousy no good goddamn rotten seer**

**VRISKA: Eridan! Do I detect 8lack romance in the air?**

**VRISKA: 3**

**ERIDAN: shut yer spidertrap wwitch there are serious emotions happening ovver here**


	85. Book 6 Chapter 7: New Respiteblocks

Chapter 7: New Respiteblocks

Gamzee called Vriska over to where he stood near the horn pile.

**GAMZEE: VrIsKa hEy yOu wAnT To uH...**

**VRISKA: What?**

**GAMZEE: ShIt, I WaS AlL GoInG To aSk iF YoU WaNtEd tO HoP In tHe hOrN PiLe fOr a bIt oF MoThErFuCkIn sHuTeYe, BuT...**

**GAMZEE: I DoN'T ThInK I WiLl cAuSe i'm pReTtY MuCh sCaReD Of yOu, So yEaH.**

**VRISKA: Aww. ::::)**

On the other side of the horn pile stood Eridan. Vriska walked over to him casually.

**VRISKA: Hey.**

**ERIDAN: hey**

**VRISKA: So...**

**ERIDAN: wwhats up**

**VRISKA: Nothing.**

**VRISKA: Standing by the old horn pile I see.**

**ERIDAN: yup**

**VRISKA: Yeah...**

**VRISKA: Ok then. Carry on I guess.**

**ERIDAN: god damn vvris wwhys it still got to be so flippin awwkwward like this come on**

**ERIDAN: wwe used to havve a good thing goin remember our campaigns**

**ERIDAN: that shit wwas epic wwhere are you evven goin to find a rivvalry like that**

**VRISKA: It was fun, Eridan. While it lasted.**

**VRISKA: 8ut it ran its course! I don't know what else to tell you.**

**ERIDAN: oh as if im not so ovver it please spare me your disdain mindfang**

**ERIDAN: im wworkin on findin a neww rivvalry wwhichll make ours look like a kiddie game**

**ERIDAN: wwhich oh by the wway IT WWAS**

**VRISKA: If you say so, Dualscar! 8est of luck with that.**

**VRISKA: Too 8ad the luck's all mine now! Hahahaha.**

Vriska walked over to bother Kanaya where she sat at the computer.

**VRISKA: Pst!**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**VRISKA: Hey, what's your deal?**

**KANAYA: ...**

**VRISKA: I'm talking to you!**

**KANAYA: What Do You Want**

**VRISKA: Nothing really! It's just you haven't said one word to me since we got here.**

**VRISKA: In fact, we've hardly spoken in weeks! Not since you gave me that nice dress.**

**KANAYA: Oh Sorry I Hadnt Really Noticed**

**VRISKA: That was gr8, remem8er that? What happened to all that? You used to meddle and 8ug and fuss over me all the time. It was annoying, 8ut kinda fun!**

**KANAYA: Do You Want Me To**

**VRISKA: I don't know. It would 8e cool if we could catch up some time though.**

**KANAYA: Whats There Really To Catch Up On**

**VRISKA: Whatever! Stuff. Anything!**

**VRISKA: You are really strange, fussyfangs. I don't get you anymore.**

**KANAYA: Okay**

**VRISKA: That was some pretty sweet chainsaw work earlier. Pretty 8rutal, really! Didn't think you had it in you.**

**VRISKA: Hey, you weren't settling a score with him there 8y any chance?**

**KANAYA: What**

**VRISKA: I've got a pretty keen nose for revenge. Could it 8e that you had a thing for him and were upset when he went for me instead? Hmmmmmmmm?**

**KANAYA: Did He Really "Go" For You**

**KANAYA: Thats Not How I Remember It**

**VRISKA: Yes, I think I must 8e on to something here! Anyway if that's the case, sorry a8out the 8ad 8r8k!**

**KANAYA: Could You Leave Me Alone**

**VRISKA: Hey, which one are you spying on there? Someone new to meddle with?**

**KANAYA: I Said Leave**

**VRISKA: Fiiiiiiiine, god.**

Vriska slumped off and brightened when she saw Equius standing around.

**VRISKA: I must say, I am really disgusted 8y how you've resorted to following orders from that low class slo8 with the hideous mutant 8lood.**

**VRISKA: I thought you were 8etter than that! I thought WE were 8etter than that.**

**EQUIUS: D - I...**

**EQUIUS: D - You're absolutely right, it's disgraceful**

**EQUIUS: D - I think it is possibly time to admit I have some sort of problem**

**EQUIUS: D - I would very much like to honor my position on the hemospectrum and mistreat those beneath me, and yet...**

**VRISKA: Whoa, alright! I was just messing with you, dude. As if I really give a shit a8out any of that!**

**VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha.**

Vriska wandered over to Feferi.

**VRISKA: So! You sure seem excited a8out the alien kids. What gives?**

**FEFERI: Glub... I wouldn't say t)(at.**

**VRISKA: Oh?**

**FEFERI: T)(e w)(ole t)(ing doesn't seem like it's wort)( getting worked up about, to be )(onest.**

**VRISKA: ::::|**

**FEFERI: Sig)(. T)(ey're just kind of dull.**

**FEFERI: Life is dull and uninteresting.**

**FEFERI: I don't know, maybe I'm just a little depressed.**

**FEFERI: You probably wouldn't understand.**

**VRISKA: Sure I would! We all have our off days. Hey, if you need someone to talk to, I'm...**

**FEFERI: Pffffffffffffffffff )(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E!**

**FEFERI: PSYYYYYYC)(-E )(-E-E )(-E-E )(-E-E )(-E-E )(OO )(OO )(OO! 38D**

**FEFERI: )(oly crap did I get you good! )(ey, Sollux! Did you catc)( any of t)(at?**

Sollux looked over and shook his head annoyedly.

**SOLLUX: shut up feferii, iim busy!**

**FEFERI: A live one jumped rig)(t into my boat! A real suckerfis)(! Woo)(oo)(oo. )(ow do you like t)(at, spider)(ag! Sea dwellers represent!**

**VRISKA: That was...**

**VRISKA: Surprisingly nasty of you.**

**VRISKA: I'm impressed!**

**FEFERI: T)(anks. I )(ope I didn't jeopardize our friends)(ip wit)( t)(at little stunt! 38)**

**VRISKA: Friendship? I don't know if…**

**VRISKA: W8 a minute. Why you! You almost got me AGAIN!**

**VRISKA: Have I ever told you how awesome you are, Peixes?**

Vriska walked up to Aradia, who was standing behind Feferi, to attempt to glean some information about the demon they were up against.

**VRISKA: Hey dead girl! How's 8eing dead treating you?**

**ARADIA: c0uldnt i ask y0u the same thing**

**VRISKA: Yeah, sure! If you wanted to 8e technically inaccur8. It would still 8urn though, so touche!**

**ARADIA: its really weird that y0u keep antag0nizing me**

**ARADIA: i c0uld snap y0ur neck with a twitch**

**VRISKA: Yeah 8ut you won't!**

**ARADIA: 0k**

**ARADIA: what d0 y0u want**

**VRISKA: You saw the demon up close, right? You fought him! Or at least your doppelgangers did.**

**ARADIA: yes**

**VRISKA: What was he like!**

**ARADIA: ...**

**ARADIA: what d0 y0u want t0 kn0w specifically**

**VRISKA: Primarily I'm interested in your take on his weaknesses, tactical disadvantages, stuff like that.**

**ARADIA: 0_0**

**ARADIA: are y0u seri0usly intending t0 fight him**

**VRISKA: Wouldn't you like to know!**

**ARADIA: n0t especially**

Bored, Vriska decided to visit her room next. She transportalized into the intermediary room and then into the zodiac hub from there. She stepped into the Transportalizer with her blue Scorpio symbol hovering over it.

She arrived on the upper landing of her makeshift respiteblock. The walls were covered in spider webs. Near Vriska sat an old treasure chest, in which she'd put a magic eight ball.

She walked down the multiple steps to the room below. She crossed the room, careful to sidestep broken pieces of glass left behind when some massive creature broke out of its container. She had to proceed with caution. Yeah right… she was just going to kill the monster when she found it.

At the end of the room, Vriska stepped onto a transportalizer and reappeared in some sort of hallway. Oh, there was the monster. It was about three times as tall as she was, with two helmeted heads, dragon wings, pointed shoes, udders, and what looked like a giant horn on their heads.

She used some magical spider web threads to steal all of the monster's luck, and the massive thing fell into a hole. Vriska leaped across it in one large Alterniabound. She arrived in some kind of storage room. All around were mechanical parts and computer chips. At the far end of the room sat a treasure chest.

Vriska opened the chest and retrieved the Fluorine Octet. It would be better to keep them on her person in the future, so that fighting monsters was easier. She opened a door at the end by inputting a code into the computer terminal. Through the door was Vriska's pile of boondollars.

Lousy stupid goddamn Terezi, finding all those boonbonds and instantly rendering her fortune worthless. Vriska would show her. That snotty rich kid too.

To one side of the room was a gigantic chest that she store most of her stuff inside. She opened it, revealing many of her personal items, including some Flarp manuals, her rocketboots, and a couple of broken eight balls. There was also a cuttlefish floundering about. Vriska wasn't exactly sure how it had gotten there. As she watched, it gradually went limp and died. The spider troll eyed it suspiciously.

At the very back of the room, there was another door with a computer terminal next to it. The door led to her super secret back back room. She had not set the password for it yet, as she had no use for it yet, but perhaps she would in the future.

The narrative switched to Future Vriska so that we could see what she ended up using the back back room for. She inputted her passcode and entered. The back wall of the room was covered in pictures of Nick Cage. This was the holy shrine she had built for the holy man. There were also two chests in the room, one containing a bust of Nick Cage and the other a blubbing salamander, sad that it had been stuffed inside a chest for so long.

Terezi entered the zodiac hub and stepped onto the Libra Transportalizer. She was immediately sent into the labyrinth that preceded what she called her block. The labyrinth was situated over a black chasm that seemed to be a bottomless pit. She had no idea what was at the bottom, or if there even was a bottom, and she didn't exactly want to find out.

She took the left path, carefully following the route she knew by heart, and eventually arrived at a Transportalizer. She solved the puzzle that served no purpose whatsoever, pushing jarred creatures onto squares, and revealed the entrance to her block.

She immediately walked forward and inputted the passcode to a small room with a Transportalizer in it. She used the device to enter her treasure room, which was somewhere within an otherwise inaccessible portion of the labyrinth.

She had a fairy poster in here, a music box time machine, a beagle aegis, and a boonbuck. How trivial it seemed now compared to her fortune of boonbonds. She chucked it into the chasm below.

Terezi returned to her makeshift block and entered the second room she'd unlocked with her passcode. She transportalized into the labyrinth and checked to make sure her rocket wings were safe. They were indeed.

She went into the third room and transportalized into the labyrinth. In a chest was Feferi's brainfork. For some reason, the trolls liked to nab each others weapons and tuck them away in their own private chests. It was kind of silly. In all seriousness, what did she need a _brainfork_ for?

In another one of her chests, Terezi found like thirteen boondollars or something. Whoop de doo. She tossed them into the abyss and made a wish.

Finally, she returned and made her way to the end of her block. She turned the corner and looked at her drawing of H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY on the wall. She picked up her trusty drawing chalk and continued on her way to another Transportalizer at the very end of her block.

She arrived outside, on the roof of the laboratory. The only thing up here was her trusty smelloscope, which she looked through, only to see golden debris floating through space. Prospit was toast. Suddenly, a chest popped open behind her and she looked inside. There was nothing in there! Perhaps in the future she'd think of something important to put inside.

The narrative shifted to Future Terezi, who stood on the roof of the meteor and looked through her smelloscope at the remnants of Derse. The demon had destroyed the purple planet a few minutes before. The debris smelled like grape jelly. And burning.

She opened the chest and retrieved her extremely stylish dragonsuit. Now that stubborn Pouncellor would no longer have any excuse to withhold evidence critical to the case of the prosecution! She looked kind of silly, walking around with a dragon skin on, but she thought it an exceptionally stunning fashion choice.

She returned to the zodiac hub, only to find Nepeta standing around.

**TEREZI: *TH3 M1GHTY 4ND 4STOUND1NG DR4GONYYYD L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 3NT3RS TH3 3ST33M3D POUNC3LLORS OFF1C3 W1TH 4N URG3NT BUT FR13NDLY R3QU1S1T1ON PURS3D M4G1C4LLY 1N H3R M4J3ST1C SNOUT***

**NEPETA: :33 *the distinguished pouncellor nods in the most dignified and legal of manners at the dashing and well dressed legislacerator***

**NEPETA: :33 *she double checks a series of impurrtant legal clawses and rubber stamps them with wild abandon for the most judicial sort of approval pawsible***

**NEPETA: :33 this all looks to be in order! *she said***

**NEPETA: :33 please follow me! :33**

**NEPETA: :33 *she also said***

Nepeta walked to the east in the zodiac hub and disappeared through one of the walls. Terezi gasped. She walked through herself and arrived in a small tunnel that led to a secret room with only a pile of wands and a treasure chest in it. Nepeta gestured toward the chest.

**NEPETA: :33 here you go! f33l fr33 to borrow it as long as you like**

**NEPETA: :33 oh! also as tempting as it may s33m, please dont go to sl33p in that comfy pile of wands there!**

**NEPETA: :33 both prospit and derse dreamers have been banned from napping until further notice!**

Terezi opened the chest and took out Nepeta's drawing tablet. Cool! Now she could draw some comics of her own for Dave!

Karkat entered his makeshift respiteblock via the Cancer Transportalizer. He walked along the hallway, which was filled with a very trivial amount boonbucks and boondollars stored away in chests. One of the chests retained a bottle of wicked elixir, which Karkat downed. His vitals remained the same.

At the end of the hallway was another transportalizer, which brought him to the ectobiology lab. He shuddered. So many horrible memories for Past Karkat. Slime and wrigglers everywhere.

There were two chests in the lab. In one chest was a box of fruit trollups. The flavor was Orange Creamsicle Colonoscolypse. Troll Crocker's vile tentacles were everywhere! In the other chest was a… oh god. "GET THAT FILTHY FILIAL PAIL OUT OF HERE!" he yelled.


	86. Book 6 Chapter 8: Black MagicGreen Sun

Chapter 8: Black Magic/Green Sun

John watched as the SBURB loading screen disappeared, leaving him with a view of Jade… wherever she was. She appeared to be all tuckered out, taking a nap on her bed. He wondered what she was dreaming about. Surely something adorable. Anyway, it was time to get down to business and save her life! John prepared to initiate an uninterrupted sequence of live-saving events.

He opened the Phernalia Registry and prepared to deploy the… huh? He turned and a ghostly blue arm appeared out of nowhere and threw a pie in his face, sending him sailing off the roof.

**NANNASPRITE: HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!**

John's prankster gambit plunged to an all-time low. Nannaquin materialized his bed, though, as quick as she could, and John landed on it with a thunk. His rocket shoes and Cosbytop landed on the bed as well.

**JOHN: nanna, what the heck!**

**NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!**

**NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!**

**JOHN: really?**

**NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna.**

**JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.**

**JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother.**

**NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years.**

**NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all!**

**JOHN: huh, oh yeah.**

**JOHN: don't you find it all a little strange?**

**NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me?**

**JOHN: heheh.**

**JOHN: so where have you been, nanna? i have been looking all over for you.**

**NANNASPRITE: I have been looking for you too, dear!**

**JOHN: you have?**

**NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly. **

**JOHN: yeah!**

**JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo...**

**JOHN: ectobiblio... shit!**

**JOHN: (oops! sorry.)**

**JOHN: ectobioblobabby sitter.**

**JOHN: damn it, you know what i mean.**

**NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you! **

**JOHN: thanks!**

**NANNASPRITE: You should have returned sooner! I could have given you this boon at a much lower rung. **

**JOHN: boon?**

**NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.**

Nannaquin held out a white medallion of some sort with a green SBURBan spirograph on it.

**JOHN: ok. what is it?**

**NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go.**

**NANNASPRITE: Now we needn't endure those long spells without a good visit!**

**JOHN: oh cool, that is great!**

**NANNASPRITE: And now, the most important question of all.**

**NANNASPRITE: When was the last time you have eaten anything, young man?**

**JOHN: hmm, i guess it has been a good while!**

**JOHN: i've been snacking on gushers a whole lot. bluh...**

**JOHN: i never realized how terrible they were, actually.**

**NANNASPRITE: That is completely unacceptable.**

**NANNASPRITE: I will prepare you a healthy home cooked meal while you relax in your ghost bed and rescue your paradox sister.**

Nannasprite procured a ghost oven out of nowhere.

**JOHN: oh boy! **

**NANNASPRITE: What would you like? Name what your heart desires. I will use my spooky ghost powers to make it.**

**JOHN: wow, hmm... **

**NANNASPRITE: Why, John! Do you hear that sound?**

**JOHN: uh... no? **

**NANNASPRITE: It sounds as if your meal is nearly finished!**

**JOHN: really? already? **

**NANNASPRITE: BZZZZZ!**

The oven fell open and a bunch of ghostly party streamers poured out of it. John's prankster gambit fell to an all time low_er_.

**JOHN: naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!**

**NANNASPRITE: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOOHOO!**

Rose watched this exchange between the boy and his blue ghostly sprite gaming abstraction grandmother, but had no time to do anything. Three of the trolls were bothering her all at once. The chumps wouldn't quit hounding her! It was like they'd heard somebody over here was handing out asses, and they'd known nothing but years of bitter-ass famine.

**\- caligulasAquarium ****[CA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

**CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock**

**TT: ?**

**CA: magic is NOT REAL**

**CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely**

**CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is**

**CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse**

**TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I'm some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic?**

**TT: You can't needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don't care.**

**CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT**

**TT: Fine. You win.**

**TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan.**

**CA: ok i didnt say that**

**CA: i think you wwear the role pretty wwell wwhich is somethin i can appreciate**

**CA: theres a lot of showwmanship thats put in to comin off as a diabolical sort**

**TT: Thanks for the insinuation that I'm making an effort to project myself as a cartoon villain. What a compliment!**

**CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch**

**CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before**

**TT: Nobility? What are you talking about?**

**CA: wwell arent you**

**TT: No. What gave you that idea?**

**CA: the wway you**

**CA: ok**

**CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault**

**CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society**

**TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out.**

**CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you**

**CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf**

**TT: ...**

**CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound**

**TT: You're a complete idiot.**

**CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing**

**TT: What?**

**CA: this thing wwe got goin**

**CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin**

**CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature**

**CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld**

**TT: And how was that?**

**CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental**

**CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron**

**TT: Accidentally?**

**TT: Or on porpoise?**

**CA: hahahahaha see youre good wwith fish puns too i got so many a those you havve no idea**

**CA: i just think theres a fate thing here**

**CA: i mean i dont mean to strike you as too forwwardsuch but are you seein wwhere im goin wwith this**

**TT: Oh, right. Alien romance, I forgot.**

**TT: Pass.**

**CA: look i understand you dont understand that kind of thing in your culture i get that**

**CA: but maybe i could teach you to get it**

**TT: That's really sweet of you to offer.**

**CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that**

**TT: You want to learn magic?**

**CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch**

**TT: Sure. Let's begin.**

**TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.**

Rose tightened her grip on one of the Thorns of Oglogoth and dark energy crackled from it.

**caligulasAquarium's [CA'S]** **computer exploded.**

She couldn't help but think: "one down, two to go." She answered the next troll.

**\- apocalypseArisen ****[AA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!**

**AA: just st0p**

**AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p**

**AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es**

**TT: Hi.**

**AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u**

**TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?**

**AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that**

**AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart**

**AA: i kn0w its exciting**

**AA: breaking stuff**

**AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it**

**AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses**

**AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing**

**TT: ?**

**AA: what they say**

**TT: Who?**

**AA: y0u kn0w wh0**

**TT: You sound frustrated.**

**TT: Like you know you can't change my mind.**

**TT: I presume your future footage of me has already verified this?**

**AA: i d0nt even need t0 watch y0ur future acti0ns t0 kn0w this**

**AA: the kn0wing is the same as this elusive feeling 0f sickness thats been with me f0r years**

**AA: pr0bably since bef0re i died c0me t0 think 0f it**

**AA: it was always a big setup**

**TT: You died?**

**TT: Revived via dream self, I take it?**

**AA: n0**

**AA: i never had 0ne**

**AA: s0rt 0f a special case here**

**TT: Hmm.**

**AA: i just wish**

**AA: back when i was behaving recklessly**

**AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening**

**AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice**

**AA: it w0uld have been nice**

**TT: What did they tell you?**

**AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race**

**AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w**

**AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke**

**TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle?**

**AA: y0u really d0nt understand anything yet d0 y0u**

**AA: and yet y0u bug and fuss and meddle**

**AA: with things m0re danger0us than y0u can imagine**

**AA: what d0 y0u want with the s0urce 0f the first guardians **

**AA: what g00d d0 y0u really think c0uld c0me 0f it **

**TT: Do you know about it?**

**TT: The sun?**

**AA: y0u cant p0ssibly wield its energy 0r put it t0 c0nstructive use **

**TT: That isn't exactly my plan.**

**AA: y0u w0nt find it either **

**AA: its imp0ssible **

**TT: How do you know that?**

**TT: Could you please share your information with me?**

**AA: n0! **

**AA: y0u still havent gathered that y0ure the pr0blem **

**AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes **

**TT: Well,**

**TT: Aren't you doing that regardless? Right now?**

**AA: 0bvi0usly **

**AA: but im just talking **

**AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns **

**AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws **

**AA: maybe! **

**AA: maybe if i behave in a manner s0 rand0m **

**AA: parad0x space w0nt kn0w h0w t0 handle it! **

**AA: blah BL00P blee BLUH! #$%^&amp;*()_+ **

**AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace? + ?*rand(413^612) **

**AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences **

**AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility **

**AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack **

**AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit **

**AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT **

**AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY **

**TT: O_O**

**AA: hahaha! **

**AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w **

**AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es **

**AA: this is great **

**AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here **

**AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything! **

**TT: You have circuitry?**

**AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up! **

**AA: that w0uld be just **

**AA: really **

**AA: really **

**AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats **

**AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R **

**AA: g00dbye r0se **

**AA: enj0y y0ur rampant indiscreti0ns **

**AA: talk t0 y0u later assuming i havent rand0mly bl0wn myself up! **

**TT: Wait, don't go!**

**TT: You were actually interesting.**

**\- apocalypseArisen ****[AA]** **ceased trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

Aradia attempted to randomly explode and failed. Of course she'd just been venting about all that. Why would she blow herself up on account of that silly conversation. What rational reason could she possibly have to blow herself up, or explode from any cause for that matter, now or at any point in the near future? It just made no sense.

Behind the robot troll, Eridan yelled in rage about his blown-up computer. Equius stared shock-still from the surprise of it all.

Rose decided to answer the third and final troll.

**\- arsenicCatnip ****[AC]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**AC: :33 pst :oo**

**TT: Yes?**

**AC: :33 heyyyyyyyyyy**

**TT: Why, what ever could you want?**

**AC: :33 ummmmmmmmmm**

**TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded.**

**AC: :33 sorry to bother you again!**

**AC: :33 is**

**AC: :33 um**

**TT: Is what?**

**AC: :33 he available?**

**TT: Who?**

**TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?**

**AC: :33 aaaaa youre just teasing me now!**

**AC: :33 i f33l bad about bugging you about it**

**AC: :33 but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?**

**AC: :33 i miss pounce a lot :((**

**AC: :33 and talking to him reminds me of her**

**AC: :33 sorry for the hassle**

**TT: It's ok. I understand.**

**TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.**

**TT: I mean purrmanent.**

**AC: :33 yay! :OO**

Rose summoned the mystery fellow with the pendant he'd given her and gave the sprite her laptop. She wouldn't need it anymore. It had served her well, that trusty laptop. She supposed there were a lot of things she'd outgrown, now that she thought about it.

**ROSE: Hi Jaspers.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Hi rose!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr.**

**ROSE: Jaspers, I am releasing you now.**

**ROSE: You are free to go do as you please.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Really rose ok if thats what you want i will go do that.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Oh rose!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Rose did you get to do any of the things that are important to your quest that i said?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?**

**ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers.**

**ROSE: It's a little complicated, but I believe I've embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3**

**ROSE: I'm saying there's something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends.**

**JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway!**

**ROSE: Why?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Because its not just an important thing to do to win the game.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I dont know i hope im not being too pushy rose its not my place to be im just your cat!**

**JASPERSPRITE: But the thing that made me how i am now seems to really want me to say this to you.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Your quest is really important for you to do.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Not really because thats how to get the prize.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But because its what you need to do for yourself!**

**ROSE: I see. I promise I will consider it seriously then.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Oh good!**

**JASPERSPRITE: I love you rose! I always have even when you were a little girl and i was an alive cat.**

**ROSE: Thanks, Jaspers, that's nice to hear.**

**ROSE: It's hard to remember, but I'm pretty sure I felt the same way back then.**

**JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose!**

**ROSE: See you, Jaspers!**

**ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3**


	87. Book 6 Chapter 9a: Broken Caledfwlch

Chapter 9 Part 1: The Broken Caledfwlch

Dave stood inside the crocodile temple, getting hassled by a few trolls. There were chumps as far as the eye could see. They were lining up for the sick fires. His gaping furnace was hungry for coal, and they were poised to get goddamn shoveling.

**\- terminallyCapricious ****[TC]** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS**

**TC: ArE YoU ReAdY**

**TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe**

**TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe**

**TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF**

**TC: AnD ThEn**

**TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU?**

**TG: what**

**TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL**

**TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg**

**TC: SeE, lIkE**

**TC: ThAt's kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR**

**TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT**

**TC: DoInG ThAt's tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT**

**TC: As iN TrOlLeD**

**TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU**

**TC: Im lIkE DoInG**

**TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY**

**TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o)**

**TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs**

**TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE**

**TC: AnD WhEn i'm aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On**

**TC: It'lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN'T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS**

**TC: ThAt's hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe**

**TC: HoNk hOnK :o)**

**TG: oh god thats right**

**TG: you were the best troll**

**TG: i remember now**

**TC: WhOa, I WaS?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible**

**TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said**

**TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW**

**TG: it was months ago for me**

**TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing**

**TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit**

**TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno**

**TG: and then**

**TG: you kinda got over that i guess**

**TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space**

**TG: remember**

**TC: AwW MoThErFuCk, No :o(**

**TC: I MoSt sUrElY wOuLd gEt mY ReMeMbEr oN FoR A BiTcHtItS TiMe hAd lIkE ThAt**

**TC: My mInD'S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT'S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe**

**TG: could be time shit**

**TG: you might not have had the conversation yet**

**TC: DoGg, I DoN'T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG**

**TC: I DoN'T GeT TiMe**

**TC: I WaSn't tHe dUdE Of tImE**

**TC: I WaS ThE**

**TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn**

**TC: BaRd oF**

**TC: FuCk**

**TC: I FoRgOt :o(**

**TG: do you remember if you watched any videos**

**TG: from earth**

**TG: that i might have sent**

**TC: nO**

**TG: dude i was telling you**

**TG: youve got to check this out**

**TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally**

**TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit**

**TC: Oh, MaN**

**TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn't sEe hOw i wOuLdN'T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs**

**TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason**

**TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that**

**TG: that still makes no damn sense**

**TG: but like**

**TG: the thing youre looking for**

**TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck**

**TG: your mirthful messiahs**

**TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao**

**TG: anyway theyre here dude**

**TG: check it out**

**TG: (tinyurl)****/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs**

**TC: :oO**

Gamzee watched silently. "This… is… motherfuckin… BLASPHEMY!"

He engaged Hero Mode. Purple electrical energy crackled all around him. "This…" he gasped, "... is completely pointless!"

Dave decided to answer another one of the trolls. One down, two to go, he thought.

**\- centaursTesticle ****[CT]** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**CT: D - I'm attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure**

**CT: D - I'd assumed the color of your b100d would serve as the basis for placement in the hierarchy, as would be e%pected and natural, but I was mistaken**

**CT: D - I was similarly in error believing the color of what you type corresponds with the color of your b100d**

**TG: it does bro**

**TG: my bloods red**

**CT: D - Well, obviously**

**CT: D - I understand that now, I'm not a f001**

**TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow**

**CT: D - I see**

**CT: D - So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual**

**CT: D - To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG**

**TG: no**

**TG: well yeah**

**TG: verbal pulse**

**TG: rap battles**

**TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky**

**TG: this is like**

**TG: our religion man**

**TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around**

**CT: D - Really**

**CT: D - So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets**

**CT: D - Or the Earth equivalent**

**TG: yeah well**

**TG: used to be dictated**

**TG: til the rapocalypse happened**

**TG: i still believe though**

**TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat**

**TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way**

**TG: that he will come**

**TG: our savior**

**TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot**

**TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy**

**TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry**

**CT: D - I believe**

**CT: D - That this is probably nonsense**

**CT: D - I've already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline**

**CT: D - Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it**

**CT: D - You will stop**

**CT: D - I command that all verbal misdire%ion and hoofbeastplay will cease during my communications, is that understood**

**TG: hahahahaha**

**TG: douche**

**CT: D - Did I say something entertaining**

**TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme**

**TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole**

**CT: D - I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices**

**CT: D - But I'm not much of a poet**

**TG: come on**

**CT: D - My poems are private**

**TG: whatever dude**

**TG: deprivatize them**

**CT: D - If you're prepared to be particularly forceful about it**

**CT: D - I may be suitably disgusted to comply**

**TG: just**

**TG: take whatevers in there**

**TG: that brorage lust youre feelin**

**TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me**

**CT: D - Flowing**

**TG: alright**

**TG: weird but alright**

**TG: you sound wound up**

**TG: but my gears are airtight**

**TG: steer clear a the seer and the knight if youre scared of unfair fights**

**TG: youll drop like the staircase impaired, seein em spareds a fair fuckin rare sight**

**TG: for poor eyes like that millionaire whos pockets i mocked earlier**

**TG: hes paradoxically me but richer and surlier**

**TG: broke as his sword before his stock picks skyrocketed**

**TG: worth more than all the chests lockpicked and gold croc bricks and boonbucks i pickpocketed**

**TG: fillin folios with millions im milkin to pad out my pockets**

**TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist**

**TG: so thoughtful to popul-**

**TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix**

**TG: which i posit you got shit of that nature in spades**

**TG: as my shades got you locked in**

**TG: spyin a guy whos eyed more cocks and dicks than i got clocks and they got ticks**

**CT: D - Just a thought. Let's mock a topic with less awfulness**

**CT: D - If you'd use the e%cuse to be less culturally myopic, what are your views on abuse to the walking apocrypha**

**CT: D - Would you choose if duly cued to put your bruising clop to a flock of naughty roboti%**

**TG: ahaha wow YES**

**TG: dont really understand that but yes**

**TG: ok hold that thought im gonna pull this fuckin sword out of the thing**

Dave stood on a pedestal with a sword on it - the Caledfwlch, to be exact - and pulled hard in an attempt to remove it.

**CT: D - Perhaps it's that it's martial tacti% that matter for status. Unless you redact this**

**CT: D - I'd hazard in practice that it's a glass of what's lactic that would impact this**

**CT: D - Pragmatic to presume? A human metric for grandness stands on fondness in honest**

**CT: D - For wanton aplomb with strapping song smithing, ripping sonnets of STRONGNESS**

**TG: yes**

**TG: still no clue what this shit means but keep going**

**CT: D - But perhaps**

**CT: D - To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time**

**CT: D - Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme**

**CT: D - I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities**

**CT: D - Let's eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities**

**CT: D - Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities**

**CT: D - Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities**

**TG: holy shit**

**TG: what**

**CT: D - Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft**

**CT: D - With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec**

**TG: what the fuck**

**CT: D - Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are**

**CT: D - Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar**

**TG: oh god**

**TG: ok stop**

**CT: D - Should song serve to placate one**

**CT: D - And fortune holds he lactate some**

**CT: D - STRONG hands tugging teat make great ambrosia collectors**

**TG: hahaha**

**TG: jesus**

**TG: ok maybe youre actually the worst troll**

**TG: im thinking none of that was actually ironic that was all pretty straightup wasnt it**

**CT: D - What do you mean**

**CT: D - Are you ordering me to conceal my poems again**

**TG: nevermind**

**TG: god dammit**

**TG: fuckin piece of shit sword**

**TG: wont goddamn budge probably useless anyway**

**CT: D - It 100ks to be a legendary weapon**

**TG: its a legendary piece of shit**

He stepped off of the pedestal and leaned against a nearby pillar.

**CT: D - Giving up on the treasure so easily**

**CT: D - It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility**

**CT: D - As valuable an asset as strength is**

**CT: D - And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG**

**CT: D - Such weapons require finesse to operate**

**CT: D - And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging**

**CT: D - Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint**

**TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now**

**TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude**

**CT: D - E%cessive force will shatter such weapons**

**CT: D - We both know this from e%perience**

**TG: what**

**CT: D - The adult human who trained you**

**CT: D - And taught you the ways of being STRONG**

**CT: D - Remember**

**TG: you mean the guy who spent years beating my ass down with a puppet**

**TG: yeah i remember**

**CT: D - Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS**

**CT: D - You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield**

**CT: D - Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands**

**CT: D - Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus**

**CT: D - I know what this is like**

**TG: man**

**TG: im not that strong ok**

**TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk**

**CT: D - Oh**

**TG: what did you go around breaking a bunch of swords too**

**CT: D - No**

**CT: D - Bows**

**TG: how the fuck do you even wield a broken bow**

**TG: did you go around clubbing shit with the two halves**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - Sometimes**

Dave took out the broken Caledscratch from his inventory and sent it back and time, reforming it into a whole Caledscratch. He slashed the pillar he'd been leaning on in half.

**CT: D - What are you doing **

**TG: whats it look like**

**CT: D - Careful **

**CT: D - About succumbing to these sorts of destructive **

**CT: D - Urges **

**CT: D - Addi%ion is a powerful thing **

**TG: so am i**

**TG: bow down before your new king bitch**

The pillar collapsed onto the pedestal, breaking the sword in half, rendering it a legendary piece of shit.

**CT: D - I think**

**CT: D - I need**

**CT: D - Something to dry myself off with**

Equius grabbed the thing closest to him to dry off with, which happened to be some kind of poster for an Earth movie. One of the actors held a bunny in his hand and wore a dirty wifebeater tank top. There was a blue lipstick stain on it in the shape of Vriska's lips.

Dave took the legendary POS (piece of shit), also known as the broken Caledfwlch. One troll left to go. Terezi.


	88. Book 6 Chapter 9b: Dave's Arbitrary Nap

Chapter 9 Part 2: Dave's Arbitrary Nap

**\- gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **began trolling turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS!**

**GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T**

**GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3?**

**GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T?**

**TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started**

**GC: TH1S**

**GC: P4RTY**

**GC: ST4RT3D! 8D**

**TG: god everything is about parties with you**

**GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON**

**TG: ok**

**TG: lets see some fine art then**

**GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU**

**GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S**

**GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S**

**GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS**

**GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS **** /D4V3XD4V3**

**TG: ok that**

**TG: is every bit as shitty as all your other drawings**

**GC: SHUT UP!**

**GC: 1 4M ST1LL SORT OF G3TT1NG TH3 H4NG OF TH1S TH1NG**

**GC: 1 W1LL G3T B3TT3R :P**

**TG: i like it though you dont gotta improve**

**TG: art skills are overrated**

**GC: TH4NKS D4V3**

**TG: its kind of weird though what the hell is actually going on here**

**TG: does this mean something**

**GC: Y3S**

**GC: 1T 1S TH3 COM1C R3PR3S3NT4T1ON OF TH3 N3XT L3G OF YOUR WOND3RFUL JOURN3Y**

**GC: YOU KNOW, TH3 ON3 TH4T 1 4M H3LP1NG YOU W1TH 3V3RY ST3P OF TH3 W4Y :]**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: but**

**TG: why**

**GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3**

**GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST**

**TG: alright but**

**TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt**

**TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff**

**TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever**

**GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D?**

**GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY**

**TG: well yeah thats what i thought too**

**TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one**

**TG: to piss him off**

**GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3**

**GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL?**

**TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like**

**TG: my grill is your goddamn prison**

**TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker**

**TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid**

**TG: privy to what i flame broil from below**

**TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger**

**TG: hows it smell btw**

**GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS**

**TG: yeah i thought so**

**TG: so is that whats going on**

**GC: WH4T?**

**TG: is this some weird game involving flirtation and assassinations or whatever**

**GC: OH, 1 DONT KNOW**

**GC: M444444YB3...**

**GC: SH33SH!**

**GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS**

**GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D**

**GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S!**

**GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH**

**GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG!**

**TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit**

**GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG**

**GC: BUT R34LLY**

**GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3**

**GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3**

**GC: COOL3R :]**

**GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C**

**TG: issues**

**TG: what are you talking about**

**GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3**

**GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S**

**GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S**

**GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS**

**GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG**

**GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY**

**GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3**

**GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP :[**

**TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me**

**GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3**

**GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3**

**GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS**

**GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO**

**GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S!**

**GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3**

**GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S?**

**GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T'S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW :D**

**TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me**

**GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4**

**GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y**

**GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R**

**TG: fuck who cares**

**TG: like i even give a shit about being a hero whatever that even means**

**TG: im not seeing the problem here future me is awesome he can bail me out if he wants**

**GC: Y3S, 3X4CTLY!**

**GC: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 COOL 4BOUT YOUR PROBL3M**

**GC: 1NST34D OF 4CT1NG L1K3 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 PUP4**

**GC: BUT DONT WORRY, ON3 D4Y YOU W1LL G3T TO T4K3 YOUR TURN 4S H3RO!**

**GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y**

**GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S**

**TG: not gonna happen**

**GC: COM3 ON!**

**GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M**

**GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3**

**GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY!**

**GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP**

**GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO :|**

**TG: hey look at this change of subject going down**

**TG: about this comic**

**TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep**

**GC: Y3S**

**TG: why**

**GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW**

**GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D!**

**GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3**

**TG: i dont feel tired**

**TG: could be rose waking me up again**

**TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit**

**GC: OH?**

**TG: can you see in my dreams**

**GC: NO :[**

**TG: too bad**

**TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason**

**TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show**

**GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH XO**

**GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!**

**TG: so i guess i have to summon davesprite too**

**GC: Y3S**

**TG: whys that**

**GC: WHY DO YOU TH1NK!**

**GC: TO B41L YOUR STUBBORN SP3CT4CL3D BUTT OUT OF TROUBL3 4G41N**

**TG: huh**

**TG: ok**

**GC: WH3N YOU 4R3 4SL33P, SOON 4 HORD3 OF V3RY POW3RFUL MONST3RS W1LL 3M3RG3 FROM TH3 RU1NS**

**GC: TO D3F3ND TH3 TR34SUR3 YOU H4V3 STOL3N**

**GC: OR D1D YOU TH1NK YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO W4LTZ OUT OF H3R3 W1TH TH4T COOL L3G3ND4RY SWORD 4ND F4C3 NO CONS3QU3NC3S?**

**TG: yeah kinda**

**TG: didnt think this useless horseshit was boss grade loot to be honest**

**GC: W3LL 1T 1S!**

**GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T**

**GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S :]**

**TG: ok see ya**

Dave used his medallion to summon Davesprite.

**DAVE: sup**

**DAVESPRITE: hey**

**DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch **

**DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast **

**DAVE: is that how you pronounce that**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so **

**DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh **

**DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game**

**DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question **

**DAVE: fuck yeah it is**

**DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something**

**DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better **

**DAVE: yeah thats what i figured**

**DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc **

**DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options **

**DAVE: fuck it ill just power through the rest of the game with the SORD...**

**DAVESPRITE: hahahaha **

**DAVESPRITE: with unreal air as a mount fit for a true artifact knight **

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: goddamn jpeg hero**

**DAVE: right here**

**DAVESPRITE: did that shit ever land or what **

**DAVE: dude its long gone**

**DAVE: up in skaia now or something**

**DAVE: thrashing ill grinds on clouds**

**DAVESPRITE: fuck **

**DAVESPRITE: top priority make more **

**DAVESPRITE: thats an order from your celestial fuckin spirit guide**

**DAVE: yeah you got it**

**DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me**

**DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it**

**DAVE: should i just chuck it too**

**DAVESPRITE: it was stolen **

**DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus's minions **

**DAVE: hes the denizen right**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge **

**DAVE: isnt that like a greek god**

**DAVE: or roman or whatever**

**DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much **

**DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it **

**DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back **

**DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what **

**DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude **

**DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come **

**DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work **

**DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come **

**DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off **

**DAVE: whats the forge**

**DAVESPRITE: volcano **

**DAVE: huh**

**DAVE: you mean jades volcano**

**DAVESPRITE: yup **

**DAVE: so do you know this stuff cause youre from the future or cause youre a sprite**

**DAVESPRITE: both **

**DAVESPRITE: theres all sorts of stuff i suddenly knew about the game when i became this orange feathery asshole **

**DAVE: so now youre like**

**DAVE: a wise feathery asshole**

**DAVESPRITE: i am fuckin filthy with wisdom its sick **

**DAVESPRITE: i mostly know stuff about your personal quest **

**DAVESPRITE: what used to be my quest but i guess i got to deal with not being alpha dave no more **

**DAVE: yeah i guess**

**DAVESPRITE: shrug **

**DAVESPRITE: its all good **

**DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword **

**DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out **

**DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing **

**DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear **

**DAVE: really**

**DAVE: there was no other way to get it out**

**DAVE: thats kind of retarded**

**DAVESPRITE: well i dont know **

**DAVESPRITE: maybe if john was to try with his pure heart and shit it woulda popped out like a champagne cork and fuckin hero confetti woulda blasted him in the face **

**DAVESPRITE: but you **

**DAVESPRITE: we **

**DAVESPRITE: we had to break it **

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVESPRITE: theres a lot more i know about your quest **

**DAVESPRITE: all tangled up in ridiculous riddles and bullshit enigmas **

**DAVESPRITE: and maybe its all a moot point anyway in this timeline who knows **

**DAVESPRITE: but i think ill spare you all that crap **

**DAVESPRITE: cause its kind of boring **

**DAVESPRITE: and youll find out anyway **

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: that sounds about like something id do if i were you**

**DAVE: which i am**

**DAVE: so hey**

**DAVE: apparently im about to fall asleep**

**DAVESPRITE: oh yeah why**

**DAVESPRITE: rose beckoning you again**

**DAVE: yeah probably**

**DAVE: anyway monsters will show up soon and try to eat my sleeping corpse**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah they werent too happy with my reckless indiana jones bullshit either**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: so thats where you come in**

**DAVESPRITE: i got your back dude dont worry**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVE: guess ill make myself comfortable here**

**DAVESPRITE: when you wake up**

**DAVESPRITE: ill probably get going**

**DAVE: what do you mean**

**DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of**

**DAVESPRITE: release myself**

**DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing**

**DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me**

**DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already**

**DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright**

**DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble**

**DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them**

**DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore**

**DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up**

**DAVE: where will you go**

**DAVESPRITE: dunno**

**DAVESPRITE: fly around**

**DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage**

**DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe**

**DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard**

**DAVE: oh yeah**

**DAVE: where do you think he is**

**DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline**

**DAVESPRITE: who knows**

**DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him**

**DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one**

**DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: ok good luck with that**

**DAVESPRITE: thanks man**

Suddenly, Vriska used her mind powers to put Dave to sleep. "N8p time," she said. Quite an inopportune time, actually, because just then a bunch of giant giclopses appeared from deeper in the temple. Davesprite pulled his sword out of his stomach.

**DAVESPRITE: caw caw motherfuckers**


	89. Book 6 Chapter 10: Jade's Nightmare

Chapter 10: Jade's Nightmare

Jack Noir stood on the disc plateau on LOHAC where he'd fought Bro Strider. He examined the sword that the boy had stuck in the plateau and, upon realizing it wouldn't cause any more damage, pulled it out and flew off.

Jade Harley lay in her bed, dreaming. In her dream, she was sitting on her bed with her lunchtop, surrounded by rainbows and different-colored bubbles. As she looked around, a bunch of squiddles appeared and came closer to her. She stood up and danced around happily on the bed.

She could vaguely tell that a Squiddles song was playing somewhere in the background, but it sounded different. She listened closely and noticed that in addition to the usual loveable squiddle voice, there was a strange muffled adult voice. Whatever. It was nothing. Jade clapped in excitement as the squiddles surrounded her floundered about, grins on their faces. She pulled her flute out from nowhere and tried to play along. She was able to, because of course, this was a dream.

The bed began to fly into the air and some candy-corn shrimp flew over to her. They were from the theme song. A pair of ghostly tangle buddies floated nearby and a giant translucent squiddle appeared before her, holding out a piece of green pie.

Elsewhere, Dave floated over Derse. He took off his shades and looked at the sky for some reason, as Rose had instructed. I mean, seriously! What was even the… oh.

Jade watched as the Squiddles theme song began to play. She clapped in excitement and sang along.

"Everyone sing a squiddley song! Let's all be friends and work as a team!"

While she sang, a narwhal with a rainbow-colored horn floated up to her and she leaped from the bed onto it. And then some kind of horse with a fish tail, a red bowtie on its head, and a red diamond on its back floated up to her as well. The horse was surrounded by a bunch of cuttlefish and sitting on the horse was a strange girl with thick goggles and gray skin. She had a golden band with the horological symbol of Pisces on it on her forehead.

As she sang "Squiddles for you; squiddles for me," the track leaped randomly as if the theme song was lagging. "What the…" she began, but eventually even their surroundings were short circuiting. The song began to be cut short. Jade watched the messed-up surrounding with horror and the other girl watched with fascination.

Suddenly, there was some kind of creepy red face. Jade screamed and everything went pitch black.

It was dark for a bit and Jade cowered in fear in the dream, although she didn't seem to have any physical form in the horrible place. There was a pulsation of light suddenly, and she screamed again as she saw a bunch of creepy tentacled creatures coming towards her. There was another pulsation of light and she saw that the creatures seemed to be passing by her. It was terrifying nonetheless. Another pulsation and another. She realized they were speeding up. She saw more and more of the creatures; more than she would have wanted to see.

Then one of them flew straight for her. It was an orb of some sort and it had its mouth open wide. Jade screamed again, and then she felt a cold sensation as it passed through her. Again and again and again the pulsations of light came. They were terrible. Another one flying straight for her. Again, the cold feeling. More pulsations. They came quicker and quicker.

Suddenly, the pulsations of began to speed up to a point where some red stuff started to appear. She realized she was flying faster and faster past a bunch of terrifying creatures. The red stuff grew around her until it formed a sort of hypersonic tunnel, completely engulfing her.

There was some white there too and more monsters and the blackness began to turn into different shades of gray until everything was a seizure-inducing mass of creepy nonsense. A loud whirring noise began to fill her ears. It grew louder and more high-pitched until… nothing. A pure white light. The sound disappeared and the light faded into darkness again. Where was she.

And then she heard something. It was like a child's mumbling, except reversed. She gulped. Her eyes adjusted to the minimal light there was and she froze. There was something gigantic there. Something purple with an infinity of tentacles and eyes. It had a giant mouth with pointy teeth as well as a beak of some sort.

Jade screamed and sat up in her bed, sweating. She suddenly understood jack shit. Where was she? What had just happened? Oh great, someone was bothering her. Boy, she was not in the mood for getting trolled now.

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **began trolling ****gardenGnostic [GG]**

**CC: Glub glub. 38)**

**GG: what!**

**CC: S-E-E?**

**GG: see what!**

**GG: go away**

**CC: I told you!**

**CC: T)(ere is not)(ing to worry about at all.**

**GG: bluhhh what are you talking about...**

**GG: my head hurts**

**GG: just stop it, stop trolling me**

**GG: i hate you all!**

**CC: )(oly mackerel, looks like SOM-EON-E woke up on t)(e wrong side of t)(e absurd )(uman bed!**

**CC: C)(ill out, Jade. I am just following up on w)(at I told you earlier.**

**GG: about what!**

**GG: i dont remember talking to you at all**

**CC: About your dream! Your post-dreamdeat)( dreamself's dream.**

**CC: Errr. W)(ic)( is a term I just made up now. 38|**

**GG: my dream was horrible!**

**GG: i dont know what that was, i have never dreamed anything like it**

**CC: Yes, I imagine not! You )(ave spent your w)(ole life dreaming about prospit, no?**

**GG: oh god...**

**GG: prospit :(**

**GG: is it really gone?**

**CC: Yes, Jade. It is time to face t)(e facts!**

**CC: Our moons are gone too. If we wis)( to sleep now, our dreams must take place in t)(e bubbles glubbed by t)(e gods w)(o live in t)(e Furt)(est Ring.**

**CC: It is t)(e infinite space w)(ic)( divides all sessions, completely unnavigable and unfat)(omable, untouc)(ed by t)(e time or space of any universe in existence.**

**CC: Its lords are our slumberbuddies now. 38)**

**GG: uuuuuuuuugh D:**

**CC: Don't be ridiculous. T)(ey are not as dreadful as t)(ey look.**

**CC: In fact, t)(ey are quite )(elpful if you know )(ow to talk to t)(em!**

**CC: Don't you remember our dream? I was trying to s)(ow you t)(at t)(ere is not)(ing to fear.**

**CC: But t)(en... you kind of freaked out! )(umans are so M-ELODRAMATIC.**

**GG: oh...**

**GG: that was you?**

**CC: )(ELL YEA)(! 38D**

**GG: argh**

**GG: sorry but**

**GG: could you please**

**GG: not use all those stupid parentheses?**

**GG: i can hardly read what you type and its giving me a migraine**

**CC: GLUUUUB oh fine.**

**CC: I will suspend my neato quirk just for you.**

**CC: I hereby renounce the royal mark of sea dweller supremacy in the interest of INT-ERSP-ECI-ES DIPLOMACY.**

**GG: what about the -E thing, can you stop that too? it is also annoying and stupid**

**CC: JEGUS JADE.**

**CC: Look! It is like a cool trident I throw sometimes.**

**CC: Ψoooooo -E**

**CC: How is that not awesome!**

**GG: meh :\**

**CC: Okay, you win. I have officially humbled myself before you. Entirely glubbing peasant-IFICATED for your pleasure.**

**CC: Shall I clip my fins for you as well, your majesty?**

**GG: hehehe**

**GG: ok, sorry for sounding bossy**

**GG: you seem pretty nice, and you sure do look exotic**

**GG: i kind of always thought you were all like**

**GG: a bunch of really obnoxious humans**

**CC: Well, thank you! On both counts, of being likened to something other than an obnoxious human, as well as on my exotic looks.**

**CC: For the record, you look pretty awesomely weird too.**

**CC: I introduced myself before, but since you do not remember, I will do so now. My name is Feferi, and I was going to be the Empress, but now I am not!**

**GG: hey feferi, i would like to remember...**

**GG: but everything is so foggy right now**

**GG: i remember prospit being attacked**

**GG: and**

**GG: falling...**

**GG: aaaand**

**GG: i dunno :(**

**GG: do you know what happened?**

**CC: Hell if I know!**

**CC: In your pre-death dream at least. Oh, well you died obviously, so there's that.**

**GG: fffffff**

**GG: yeah, i gathered that! XC**

**CC: All I could see was what happened in your hive.**

**CC: You were asleep, and then your robot exploded.**

**CC: And then your lusus saved you! Kind of like mine saved me.**

**CC: Before she died. 38C**

**GG: ohhhhhhh!**

**GG: i do remember you!**

**GG: i remember you were talking to me about my lusus, and i had no idea what you were talking about**

**GG: and still sort of dont :\**

**GG: but you must mean bec**

**GG: also it was shortly before your friend sent me a weird message**

**GG: about how my robot was going to explode, and i should talk to him when it happens**

**GG: this was months ago**

**CC: Oh? Who was that?**

**GG: it was the most awful and angry one**

**GG: i am so sick of him, i really dont want to talk to that pathetic jerk ever**

**CC: Ah, Karkat. Of course.**

**GG: thats his name?**

**CC: Yes, he's our leader. Why did he want you to talk to him?**

**GG: hmmmm**

**GG: thats right, it was about some kind of plan...**

**GG: which he said me from the future told him about?**

**GG: i thought it was total nonsense at the time**

**GG: but**

**GG: i guess he was telling the truth**

**GG: so maybe i should talk to him? i dont know**

**CC: Glubshrug.**

**CC: He's pretty harmless, really. You get used to his yelling.**

**CC: I do not even process it as yelling anymore. More like a lot of blubbering.**

**CC: More blubber spills out of that mouth than a gash in a poached whale.**

**GG: ewwwww**

**CC: Gluuuuuub, I just made myself hungry. 380~**

**GG: ewwwwwwwwwwww!**

**GG: fish aliens are weird**

**CC: Hey! We're the aristocracy. We've got a duty to be weird.**

**CC: Anyway, go talk to your shoutfriend I guess.**

**GG: ok feferi, it was nice talking to you**

**CC: And hey, if you want to take another nap sometime, let me know! They will be more than happy to glub us up another bubble.**

**GG: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**GG: i am never going to sleep again!**

**GG: never never never never never never**

**CC: PSH WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, MISS HORNLESS MCFINLESS.**

**CC: Why, if I'm not mistaken, you are looking a little drowsy right now. We may meet again sooner than you think. 38D**

**GG: yes, im so tired**

**GG: :(**

**GG: well, ok**

**GG: bye**

**gardenGnostic [GG]** **ceased being trolled by ****cuttlefishCuller [CC]**

Jade decided, somewhat hesitantly, to contact Karkat.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **\- **

**GG: ok, my robot exploded**

**GG: now what smart guy!**

**CG: HOLY SHIT, IT'S HARLEY**

**CG: COMMUNICATING WITH ME OUT OF NOWHERE OF HER OWN VOLITION**

**CG: HOLD THAT THOUGHT WHILE I GO INFORM MY DISGRACE OF A CLOWN FRIEND ABOUT THIS TRUE REAL LIFE MIRACLE, IT MIGHT LIFT HIS SPIRITS**

**CG: I HAVE TO SPREAD THE WICKED WORD LIKE I'M MASSAGING SHITTY SPARKLEDUST AROUND MY NETHER REGIONS TO ASSUAGE A VICIOUS RASH**

**CG: IT'S LIKE I'M SEASONING A FUCKING STEAK HERE.**

**GG: i knew i would regret this**

**GG: talking to you is so terrible**

**GG: its making my headache worse**

**CG: OH YEAH, BECAUSE TALKING TO YOU HAS JUST BEEN ABSOLUTE EUPHORIA.**

**CG: DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT HEADACHES.**

**CG: RIGHT NOW THERE'S A LUMBERJACK SPLITTING WOOD ON MY THINK PAN.**

**CG: HE'S GOT THE FOREARMS OF A CHOLERBEAR, A MOUNTAIN OF LOGS, AND NOTHING BUT FUCKING TIME.**

**GG: uuuugh shut uuuuup!**

**GG: will you just tell me what you wanted?**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO CONTACT ME, NOT THAT I'M NOT TICKLED BY THE SURPRISE.**

**CG: LET'S CATCH UP. HOW IS EVERYTHING? HOW WAS YOUR DEATHNAP? I CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS AS REFRESHING AS MINE.**

**CG: WHAT'S THAT? HOW AM I? I'M GREAT, FEEL LIKE A MILLION BOONBANKS EVER SINCE MY LITTLE POWER SNOOZE.**

**CG: STILL PRETTY TIRED THOUGH. YOU LOOK A LITTLE DROWSY YOURSELF. BUT WE WON'T BE GOING BACK TO SLEEP ANY TIME SOON, WILL WE JADE?**

**CG: NO WAY. A PAIR OF FEISTY GOGETTERS LIKE YOU AND ME, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DREAMS OF HORRORTERRORS FONDLING EVERY RECESS OF OUR NAKED PSYCHES, PLEASANT THOUGH THEY ARE.**

**CG: YOU HAVE A LOT OF IMPORTANT USELESS SCAMPERING AND GIGGLING TO DO. WHEREAS I HAVE A CRUCIAL DATE WITH A PNEUMATIC DRILL, TO BORE A HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY FOREHEAD, DEEP INTO THE PLUMP ANGUISH BLADDER WHICH STORES MY ALIEN DISMAY FLUID. THAT'S A REAL THING WE HAVE, FYI.**

**CG: I WILL THEN PERFORM A LITTLE SOFT SHOE NUMBER IN THE PUDDLE OF FLUID THAT ACCUMULATES ON THE FLOOR, WHILE MAKING THE BIGGEST SMILE EVER ATTEMPTED BY SOMEONE NOT CLINICALLY RETARDED.**

**CG: I WILL DO THIS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT, JADE. TO SAY THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.**

**GG: i cant believe i fell for this**

**GG: it was just a setup to troll me some more**

**GG: why do you go to such lengths to troll me? i just dont understand it**

**CG: TRY TO BE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE**

**CG: TROLLING IS AN ACTIVITY THAT SHARES A NAME WITH MY ENTIRE SPECIES**

**CG: DO I GET ON YOUR CASE FOR ALL THE TERRIBLE HUMANNING YOU DO?**

**GG: thats ridiculous, humanning isnt a word**

**GG: and if it was, it would be a nicer thing to do than trolling!**

**GG: you know what i mean, stop pretending you dont**

**CG: TELL ME JADE**

**CG: WHY ARE YOU SUCH A RACIST?**

**GG: aaaaaaa that is something a troll would say!**

**CG: YES, EXACTLY.**

**CG: I AM A TROLL. IT SEEMS WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE.**

**GG: i mean you are being patronizing and disingenuous to get a rise out of me**

**GG: and that is really really shitty!**

**GG: i am so tired of it, and i am done talking to you forever**

**GG: bye karkat, it was awful knowing you!**

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: OK LOOK**

**CG: I SERIOUSLY, HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.**

**CG: YOU SAY YOUR ROBOT BLEW UP, AND THAT WAS SOME SORT OF SIGNAL TO MESSAGE ME?**

**GG: yes**

**GG: as if my day needed another reason to get worse**

**CG: YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T CONTACT THE RIGHT ME.**

**GG: what does that mean!**

**CG: I MEAN FUTURE ME IS PROBABLY THE ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS.**

**CG: SINCE IT'S ALL NEWS TO ME.**

**GG: is this another prank**

**GG: you are seriously the worst at pranks**

**CG: I DON'T PLAY PRANKS, THAT'S JUVENILE NONSENSE.**

**CG: I DO TWO THINGS AND TWO THINGS ONLY, I DEVASTATE SORRY MOTHERFUCKERS, AND GET SHIT DONE AS AN AWESOME LEADER.**

**CG: IN THIS CASE, I AM ACCOMPLISHING THE LATTER.**

**CG: HERE, CLICK THIS AND WE WILL SOLVE THE MYSTERY TOGETHER.**

Karkat placed a banner in the next line saying "Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory". Below the words were four shitty clip art pictures of an apple, an orange, a lemon, and a lime.

**GG: :|**


	90. Book 6 Chapter 11: Self-kismesissitude

Chapter 11: Self-kismesissitude

**CCG** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY. **

**CCG: HEY FUTURE ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS EXPLODED JADEBOT BUSINESS?**

**CCG: MUST BE SOMETHING REALLY MISSION CRITICAL, OR JADE WOULDN'T HAVE BOTHERED GETTING IN TOUCH WITH US, RIGHT?**

**CCG: SOMETHING IMPERATIVE TO OUR SURVIVAL NO DOUBT?**

**CCG: HEY DOUCHE BAG, ARE YOU THERE**

**? gardenGnostic [?GG]** **AT ?:? responded to memo. **

**?GG: oh jeez, why am i doing this**

**?GG: this is so stupid!**

**CCG: PIPE DOWN HARLEY, THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN YOU AT THIS POINT**

**?GG: bluhhh youre so funny!**

**CCG: NOTHING TO SAY, FUTURE ME?**

**CCG: NOT EVEN A FEW PARTING WORDS OF SCORN FOR ME OR THE NARCOLEPTIC IDIOT?**

**CCG: IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE SPARRED, HOW I'VE MISSED THE SWEET STING OF YOUR BARBS**

**?GG: are you enjoying yourself karkat?**

**CCG: HAHAHA YOU ARE SO DUMB YOU ACTUALLY THINK THIS IS A RUSE.**

**CCG: YOU'VE COME ALL THIS WAY AND YOU STILL DON'T GET THAT ALL THE SHIT WE'VE BEEN TELLING YOU ABOUT IS REAL.**

**CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE PULLING A STUNT LIKE THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.**

**CCG: I REALLY AM TALKING TO FUTURE ME, HE'S JUST BEING AN EVASIVE TOOL.**

**?GG: well obviously i know some things youve said are true**

**?GG: its just hard to take everything at face value when youre always so nasty!**

**CCG: YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY AMAZING HOW BEHIND THE TIMES YOU ARE.**

**CCG: IT'S ALMOST AS IF YOU'VE SLEPT THROUGH THIS WHOLE ADVENTURE**

**CCG: OH WAIT, THAT IS ESSENTIALLY TRUE.**

**CCG: IT WAS HILARIOUS WATCHING YOU GROW UP.**

**CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD ALL THE ANSWERS, FROLICKING ALL OVER YOUR ISLAND BEING INFURIATINGLY CHIPPER, BUILDING ROBO-BUNNIES LIKE A MORON AND ULTIMATELY RUINING EVERYTHING.**

**CCG: YOU WERE SO SURE YOUR DREAMS TOLD YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED TO KNOW.**

**CCG: AND NOW LOOK AT YOU**

**CCG: YOU SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT.**

**?GG: ok i understand that you are another group of players and you are in some sort of trouble**

**?GG: but maybe if you had been nice to me instead of terrorizing me all those years i would have believed you**

**?GG: and we could have worked together to solve your problems as well as ours**

**?GG: it just makes me sad to think thats probably impossible now because you are so angry and stubborn!**

**CCG: DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I'M ANGRY AND STUBBORN.**

**CCG: I FUCKING KNOW WHAT THOSE ASSETS MAKE POSSIBLE.**

**CCG: THEY MADE YOU POSSIBLE, GOT IT?**

**?GG: uh huh**

**CCG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE GRACED BY MY DIVINE FURY?**

**CCG: TO HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF GETTING TO BE STUDIED AND MOCKED BY ME FOR YOUR WHOLE PATHETIC MISERABLE LIFE?**

**CCG: DO YOU REALIZE I'M YOUR GOD? YES, YOUR LITERAL GOD, THAT'S RIGHT.**

**?GG: sure karkat, whatever you say!**

**CCG: AND I HAVE TAKEN TIME OUT OF MY BUSY GODLY SCHEDULE TO SCRUTINIZE YOUR POINTLESS EXISTENCE.**

**CCG: OUT OF THE COUNTLESS TRILLIONS OF LIFE FORMS I BROUGHT INTO REALITY THROUGH ANGRY GRUBFUCK POWER ALONE, I HAVE SELECTED YOU FOR EXAMINATION AND HARASSMENT.**

**CCG: PERSONALLY I THINK THAT WARRANTS A LITTLE GRATITUDE, AND JUST MAYBE, A BIT OF DEFERENCE.**

**CCG: A CURTSY, PERHAPS?**

**CCG: BUT YEAH GO AHEAD AND KEEP BLOWING ME OFF LIKE THE FLAKEY LITTLE TWERP YOU ARE.**

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **3 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FCG: HEY DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT YOU UNCOUTH PIECE OF SHIT.**

**FCG: THIS IS REFLECTING POORLY ON BOTH OF US, IT'S GODDAMNED EMBARRASSING.**

**CCG: OH WOW, ANOTHER MIRACLE.**

**CCG: IT MUST BE PERIGEES EVE, BECAUSE GET A LOAD OF THIS HUGE BEHEMOTH LEAVING THAT JUST GOT DRAGGED IN.**

**CCG: JADE, OUR DUTY IS CLEAR. WE MUST DECK THIS TURD TO THE NINES.**

**FCG: OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS A CLEVER THING TO SAY. WHAT A DIPSHIT.**

**?GG: aaauugh what the hell!**

**FCG: JADE, I'M SORRY ABOUT PAST ME'S RETARDED BEHAVIOR.**

**FCG: I'M NOT GOING TO DRAG OUT A HUGE APOLOGY OR ANYTHING BECAUSE I ALREADY APOLOGIZED IN AN EARLIER CONVERSATION, OK. I'M JUST LETTING YOU KNOW.**

**CCG: GOD DAMMIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS?**

**CCG: I MEAN, AM I SERIOUS?**

**CCG: WILL I BE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT. WILL I REALLY BACK DOWN LIKE A LIMP FRONDED STOOGE? PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING.**

**FCG: PLEASE, JUST**

**FCG: SHUT UP**

**FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT FUTURE ME WAS THE STUPID ONE**

**FCG: PAST ME IS THE DUMBEST BUCKET OF FESTERING DISCHARGE I EVER FELL ASS BACKWARDS INTO.**

**FCG: COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. REMEMBER ALL THE PAST USSES WE USED TO TALK TO?**

**FCG: THEY WERE EVEN PASTER THAN YOU, AND THEREFORE DUMBER.**

**CCG: YEAH, I REMEMBER ALL THOSE DUMBSHIT PAST USSES, BUT THEY DON'T HOLD A FUCKING JACKASS CANDLE TO FUTURE USSES.**

**CCG: AND YOU'RE THE FUTUREST ME I EVER HAD THE CROTCH BLISTERING MISFORTUNE OF JAWING WITH, SO THE FUCKHEAD TROPHY GOES TO YOU.**

**CCG: I MEAN, MY GOD, WHY.**

**CCG: IS PROXIMITY TO THAT NASTY LOOKING SPACETIME RIP ON THE TIMELINE MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD?**

**CCG: IS THAT WHAT'S CAUSING YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR THIS IMBECILE?**

**FCG: LOOK, JADE'S NOT THAT BAD OK.**

**FCG: YOU JUST GOT TOO WORKED UP, AND YOU CAN'T SEE THAT.**

**FCG: AND NOW ALL THIS FROTHING PANDEMONIUM JUMPING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS JUST RIDICULOUS OVERCOMPENSATION FOR YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS AND MISTAKES, AND MASKING SOME FEELINGS YOU'RE NOT REALLY IN TOUCH WITH.**

**FCG: THIS IS ALL SO OBVIOUS, I'M FLUSHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER IN EMBARRASSMENT HAVING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, AND EVEN WORSE, REMEMBERING HAVING IT EXPLAINED TO ME BY THE SMART ONE THREE HOURS AGO AND STILL ACTING LIKE A MOIST GLOBE EVEN AFTER BEING SO SOUNDLY SCHOOLFED.**

**CCG: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS A JOKE.**

**FCG: YOU SAID SO YOURSELF, WE DON'T JOKE AROUND. IT'S JUVENILE, REMEMBER.**

**CCG: I'M GOING TO VOMIT.**

**CCG: I'M MAKING A MENTAL NOTE TO SLAP MYSELF THREE HOURS FROM NOW, FOR BEING ENOUGH OF A SAP TO START DEVELOPING RED FEELINGS FOR A DUMB ANNOYING HUMAN, IF I'M READING BETWEEN THE LINES CORRECTLY.**

**FCG: I JUST SLAPPED MYSELF! I REMEMBERED MY LAME NOTE TO MYSELF FROM THREE HOURS AGO, AND THEN SLAPPED MYSELF SPECIFICALLY TO MOCK YOU.**

**FCG: IT STINGS TOO, YOU'LL FEEL IT IN A WHILE. AND THEN THE GHOST OF PAST ME WILL CRY.**

**FCG: PAST ME DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE. HE'S A STUPID BAWLING WIGGLER PHANTOM. HE'S DEAD, NOT A REAL GUY ANYMORE, LIKE ME.**

**FCG: I'M THE REAL ONE. YOU'RE FAKE, A SHADOW OF A SAD MEMORY THAT PISSED ITS PANTS WHILE SCREAMING.**

**FCG: TIME TO DEAL WITH IT.**

**CCG** **banned ****FCG** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**FCG** **banned ****CCG** **from responding to memo. **

**CCG** **unbanned himself from responding to memo. **

**?GG: i cant take this anymore!**

**?GG: i dont even know what im reading here but its preposterous and ive had it!**

**?GG: i am just so angry, i cant believe i let you push me around all those years**

**?GG: you are completely out of your mind, i was too nice by just blocking you and typing frowny faces and stuff**

**?GG: i should have let you HAVE IT!**

**FCG: YES!**

**FCG: LET THIS FUCKER KNOW THE SCORE JADE. THIS IS HOW WE ROLL.**

**?GG: SHUT UP!**

**?GG: future karkat, if you really are future karkat...**

**?GG: where do you get off thinking you can just suddenly act like were pals because you said you apologized?**

**?GG: if you want to apologize then great i am all ears! but just mentioning it off hand and then yelling at yourself the same way you yell at me all the time as if i need a knight to come save me from yourself is so lame, not to mention completely insane**

**?GG: i cant even believe the things im typing here! this is so stupid, talking to two of you at once is the worst thing imaginable**

**?GG: you treat everyone horribly, even yourself, i cant even fathom how awful it is to be you**

**?GG: past karkat, youre acting like a bigger jerk than he is and i think you know that! why dont you take his advice and grow up**

**?GG: as if theres even a real difference between you two. three hours is hardly any time at all, you are the same person YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!**

**CCG: OH SHIT**

**FCG: YES, THAT WAS GREAT. WE BOTH HAD IT COMING, ESPECIALLY HIM. GREAT WORK JADE.**

**?GG: stop it!**

**?GG: ugh, i dont know whats worse, jerk karkat or goofy sycophant karkat**

**?GG: i cant stand it, whether youre trying to be nice or just being a crazy asshole, you are just so weird!**

**?GG: im through humoring you, i dont even care about this stupid exploded robot mission, whatever that was**

**FCG: OH RIGHT, ABOUT THAT**

**FCG: YEAH WE NEED TO TALK**

**FCG: I MEAN WE HAVE ALREADY FROM MY PERSPECTIVE**

**FCG: BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY BUSY SOON, BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER YOUR SESSION**

**FCG: SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU DO, THEN JUST HIT ME UP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT**

**?GG: hahaha, FAT CHANCE!**

**FCG: LOOK I KNOW THINGS ARE WEIRD BETWEEN US RIGHT NOW AND YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD.**

**FCG: ESPECIALLY AT THAT LOSER.**

**FCG: BUT THINGS WILL CHANGE, IN TIME YOU'LL SEE I'M NOT QUITE SO AWFUL, OK?**

**? turntechGodhead [?TG]** **AT ?:? responded to memo. **

**?TG: ahahahahah oh god**

**?TG: dude i cant believe you were just getting on our case about hitting on the troll girls**

**?TG: and then literally the very next memo you are slobbering all over jade**

**?TG: thats just perfect hahahaha**

**CCG** **banned ****?TG:** **from responding to memo. **

**FCG** **rebanned ****?TG:** **from responding to memo. **

**?GG: dave wait dont go!**

**?GG: youve got to save me from this insanity :(**

**FCG: OH I SEE, NOW YOU COULD USE A KNIGHT, HOW VERY INTERESTING, HMMM.**

**FCG: GOD I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO BE FUTURE YOU, SLIGHTLY LESS FUTURE YOU IS SUCH A GOD DAMN PILL**

**?GG: i cant wait for future you to future kiss my ass!**

**CCG: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.**

**?GG: i also cant wait for past you to past drop dead and go to hell, PAST TENSE!**

**?GG: when are those things going to happen? or will have already past/future happened?**

**?GG: i want to put another reminder on my finger so i know when its time to throw a party!**

**FCG: HAHAHAHA, YOU HEAR THAT YOU OBSOLETE PILE OF GARBAGE? JADE JUST FLIPPED YOU OFF WITH A COLORFUL FINGER.**

**CCG: MAN, SHE OBVIOUSLY HATES YOU MORE. SHE CALLED YOU A SYCOPHANT WHICH IS A HUNDRED TIMES MORE DESCRIPTIVELY WORSE THAN JUST BEING A RUN OF THE MILL SCUMBAG LIKE ME.**

**CCG: SHE IS TOTALLY ON TO YOU AND HOW DESPICABLE YOU'VE BECOME, CAN YOU BLAME HER FOR HATING US?**

**FCG: NO, I CAN BLAME YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE WITH NO MANNERS WHO'S ALL TWISTED UP INSIDE.**

**FCG: HOW'S THIS FOR A PACT, EVERYBODY.**

**FCG: PAST KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO PAST JADE FROM NOW ON, AND THE TWO OF THEM CAN BICKER LIKE SHITTY LITTLE CHILDREN FOR HOURS/YEARS RESPECTIVELY.**

**FCG: AND FUTURE KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO FUTURE JADE, AN ARRANGEMENT WHEREIN ONLY INTELLIGENT DISCOURSE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN TWO CIVILIZED, MATURE, GROWN ASSED ADULTS.**

**FCG: IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?**

**?GG: jesus will you just ban me already?**

**?GG: my head hurts so bad now i think im going to cry**

**FCG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST BAN HER ALREADY AND END THIS TORMENT SINCE YOU DRAGGED HER INTO THIS.**

**CCG: FUCK THAT YOU BAN HER. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SEEMS TO "CARE".**

**FCG: WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MAN THE FUCK UP, AND BAN THIS POOR GIRL ALREADY?**

**?GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa XO**

**?GG: i will just ban myself!**

**?GG: *JADE HARLEY BANNED HERSELF FROM RESPONDING TO THE GRUMPY SHIT HEAD MISERY ZONE, AND IS NEVER COMING BACK***

**?GG: pchoooooooooooooooo**

**[?GG]** **ceased responding to memo. **

**FCG: OK, THERE. SHE'S GONE.**

**FCG: MAYBE NOW YOU GET IT.**

**FCG: HOW HIDEOUS EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE, MAYBE YOU'LL FINALLY STOP FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.**

**CCG: HUH**

**FCG: WHAT**

**CCG: I THINK**

**CCG: I WAS PROBABLY WRONG ABOUT JADE**

**CCG: SHE'S A LITTLE LESS LAME THAN I THOUGHT**

**FCG: SHHHHSHHSHSHSHSH**

**FCG: SHE CAN STILL READ THIS YOU STUPID FUCK**

**FCG: NOW'S NOT THE TIME TO OPEN YOUR VEINS AND WRITE POEMS ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS**

**CCG: FUCK YOU, I'M JUST VOICING A HARMLESS OBSERVATION OK**

**CCG: IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS IF SOME LUNK HEAD IN THE FUTURE GETS CARRIED AWAY WITH WHATEVER LITTLE THOUGHTS I MAY OR MAY NOT NOW BE THINKING**

**FCG: I...**

**FCG: BUT**

**FCG: HOW COULD THAT EVEN BE A REAL THING I TYPED THREE HOURS AGO, HOW COULD I BE THIS STUPID.**

**FCG: WE ARE JUST THE DUMBEST FUCKERS WHO EVER LIVED AREN'T WE.**

**CCG: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.**

**FCG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY TO BAN US.**

**FCG: I'M JUST LEAVING.**

**[FCG]** **ceased responding to memo. **

**CCG: YEAH**

**[CCG]** **ceased responding to memo.**

That had not been a conversation that Jade had been hoping to wake up to. She felt more agitated and disoriented than ever. She consulted her reminders on her fingers to get her bearings on what to do next, but she couldn't remember what they meant at all. She had a feeling they were all useless now. She tossed them into the air and the breeze carried them away.

She ditched all but one. Jade couldn't remember what it had been for, but it reminded her of something nonetheless. Something she couldn't believe she'd forgotten about! John!

He'd been falling in her dream. He'd been falling to the surface of Skaia with the imp doll and his bedsheet. Jade had tried to save him. She hoped he was okay.

Jade looked up at her house. Her cool satellite tower bedroom was gone. Hey, what was that floating thing up there? She looked closer. Was that an Alchemiter being moved by a green SBURB cursor? Someone had connected as her server player. She was pretty sure she knew who it was.


	91. Book 6 Chapter 12: The Last Connection

Chapter 12: The Last Server-Client Connection

The narrative suddenly changed to John, who was being the someone who was Jade's server player. Since he'd made short work of a delicious home-cooked meal, he decided to bear down on the game. However, aromas from the ghost oven persisted. Wow! Was that lasagna?

"Focus, Egbert, focus!" he told himself.

Since his paradox sister was still napping, he guessed it couldn't hurt to set up a few things first. He deployed the Cruxtruder in the grand foyer. It seemed like the obvious place for it. He had to be careful with it! He didn't want to wake the doggy sleeping nearby.

Speaking of which, an odd bunch of people/things were crowded around where the dog slept. Some kind of reindeer, a medieval knight in a fancy suit, a mummy with a pirate hat… and he had no idea what that fourth thing was. Some kind of blue-haired lady. Jade's family sure was weird.

John used the display menu in an attempt to find a good place for the Totem Lathe, but good god things were sure cluttered in here for such a huge house. He decided to move some of the tables in Jade's four-winged garden atrium in an effort to make space. He dumped them outside and deployed the Lathe.

A bunch of pots and corn and pumpkins… no, no pumpkins actually… fell out the window and landed in various spots around Jade, whose eyes were downcast in annoyance. "Nice of you to respect my personal belongings," she muttered.

John deployed the Alchemiter. He supposed he could upgrade it right away, if Jade could spare some time to cooperate. He had plenty of grist to spare. There was a lot of new junk in the Phernalia Registry. He wondered what all this stuff was for. It cost a fortune. He had a lot of grist, but not _that _much.

Jade walked into the foyer and pestered John.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**GG: john are you there?**

**EB: whoa, hey!**

**EB: you're awake!**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: im so relieved to talk to you and hear youre ok**

**GG: i mean...**

**GG: are you ok john? your dream self i mean**

**EB: oh, yeah.**

**EB: i am pretty sure that i...**

**EB: he?**

**EB: am/is fine.**

**EB: i woke up on the battlefield which was on fire, and had flaming bits of prospit everywhere.**

**GG: :(**

**GG: yes, but that was not prospit. that was its moon which was severed by the crazy derse agent**

**EB: oh, you mean jack?**

**GG: i dunno!**

**EB: that is his name, karkat told me.**

**EB: i saw him there too.**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: i also got your present, and it saved my life!**

**GG: really? :D**

**EB: yes, the bunny was so awesome, it was definitely the best bunny i got today.**

**EB: thank you so much, jade!**

**GG: 3**

**EB: when jack saw it, he flew the hell away. and then the bunny and i went on an adventure together.**

**EB: does the bunny have a name? i asked him but i don't think he can talk.**

**GG: i dont know! i did not give him one after applying the upgrades**

**GG: i gave her a girls name when i was very young, but now she is a different bunny, and also a boy i guess?**

**GG: its up to you john, he is your bunny**

**EB: oh, i did not even think of that.**

**EB: well if she grew up as a girl, then it's not right for me to suddenly make her a boy.**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: you have no idea how tempted i am to name her casey again.**

**GG: hahahaha**

**GG: again?**

**EB: yes, i named a young salamander casey earlier, but then i left her at rose's house.**

**GG: you were at roses house?**

**EB: yes, but she was asleep.**

**EB: also, apparently i am supposed to marry rose. karkat said so.**

**GG: what!**

**EB: it is true, it is a fact from an alien.**

**GG: ugh he is so weird**

**GG: you shouldnt listen to him!**

**EB: heheh, i did not take him that seriously.**

**EB: but karkat is cool, he is angry and funny.**

**GG: D:**

**GG: he is angry and a huge pain in the ass**

**GG: have you ever talked to two of him at once?**

**EB: haha, no!**

**GG: dont ever do it! you will get a headache**

**EB: that sounds kind of awesome.**

**GG: noooooooo, think again**

**EB: i've got it.**

**EB: i will name her liv tyler.**

**GG: ?**

**EB: the bunny.**

**GG: :|**

**GG: you mean from armageddon?**

**EB: yeah!**

**GG: john that is so stupid**

**GG: but also kind of cute i guess**

**GG: ok then the bunny will be named after your silly movie star fantasy crush**

**EB: it's too bad i can't marry liv instead of rose.**

**EB: the girl i mean, not the bunny.**

**EB: but i guess she is probably dead now, along with all the other glamorous movie stars who come out to shine on the silver screen.**

**EB: that's pretty sad.**

**GG: yeah...**

**GG: that reminds me john**

**GG: have you looked in the lab yet?**

**EB: the lab?**

**GG: the big room in the sphere at the top of the tower**

**EB: oh, no. why?**

**GG: could you do me a favor and not look in there?**

**EB: ok. why, is there a secret in there?**

**GG: its nothing that secret or personal or anything...**

**GG: it is just something kind of sad and weird for you to see**

**EB: what is it?**

**GG: it is my dead dream self**

**GG: it has been there for years, i always knew i would die but i did not realize it would go like this...**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: errr...**

**GG: what?**

**EB: i have sort of already seen... that.**

**EB: not in the lab, but on the battlefield.**

**GG: oh no!**

**GG: im sorry john :(**

**EB: it's ok.**

**EB: i was so confused and sad when i saw you lying there...**

**EB: i'd rather not talk about it i guess.**

**GG: i understand**

**EB: but, i wonder...**

**EB: if your dream self died...**

**EB: then what were you just dreaming about now?**

**GG: ummmmmmm**

**GG: i think i would rather not talk about that either**

**EB: ok, that's cool.**

**EB: oh, also...**

**EB: i found your ring.**

**GG: you did?**

**EB: yes...**

**EB: but then i woke up, and didn't have it anymore.**

**EB: so i am not sure where it is now.**

**GG: oh nooooooo**

**GG: john that ring is really important, it belongs to the white queen!**

**EB: oh, whoa.**

**GG: when you go to sleep again, you should try to find it and keep it safe!**

**EB: ok, i will do that.**

**EB: hey jade, we have a lot to catch up on, but how about later?**

**EB: we have to hurry, remember there is a big meteor heading for you right now?**

**GG: yes i have seen it, it is so huge ._.**

**GG: how much time do you suppose we have?**

**EB: i will find out now!**

Jack Noir flew to the Land of Wind and Shade, looking for the boy he knew was there. Bro Strider. Finally, the Archagent found him near some ruins, holding his rocket board under one arm.

Jack landed in front of him and tossed the sword to the boy. They faced each other intensely.

John picked up one of Jade's Grandpa's stupid globes onto the Cruxtruder, activating the countdown. The globe went bouncing towards Jade. Bec woke up and transported it away into another dimension.

**EB: oh fuck!**

Bec reappeared outside the Harley mansion.

Inside, Jade conversed with John.

**EB: ok, we have 10 minutes and 25 seconds.**

**GG: hmmmm i wonder what the significance of that number is**

**EB: why would it be significant?**

**EB: numbers don't always need to have significance!**

**GG: but they usually do!**

**EB: ok, well the number is now less than it was, and therefore less significant.**

**EB: and by less, i mean more! you had better hurry upstairs and make your special item.**

**GG: yes, youre right**

**EB: hey, what do you think we should prototype this fussy little orb with?**

**EB: heheheh, it seems like so long ago that rose fed mine a clown.**

**EB: we were just messing around, we didn't even know what we were doing.**

**GG: i dont know...**

**GG: there are so many possibilities**

**EB: yeah...**

**EB: it's almost like your grandpa put all this crap here knowing we'd have to make that decision.**

**GG: hmmmmmm!**

**GG: yes, it sure seems that way**

**EB: he seems like he was an awesome guy, i would have liked to have the chance to talk to him.**

**GG: well**

**GG: maybe you will get that chance john**

**EB: oh?**

**GG: yes, as a matter of fact i am sure we will both get that chance!**

**GG: i once dreamt that we would**

**EB: huh...**

**EB: wait, are you saying we will prototype him?**

**EB: like i did with nanna, to bring her ghost back to life?**

**EB: as...**

**EB: another ghost?**

**GG: sure, why not!**

**EB: i guess that makes a lot of sense, actually.**

**GG: that is what i believe this game is for in part**

**GG: you got to bring back your nanna, rose brought back her cat, i can bring back grandpa, and dave...**

**GG: dave got to bring back a dead bird because of course he is too cool to have any dead family members**

**EB: yeah, also he brought back himself from the future.**

**EB: who... wasn't dead, but was going to die maybe? i dunno.**

**EB: specifically to save my life, as well as yours, i think.**

**GG: wait, he did?**

**EB: yes.**

**GG: that is**

**GG: soooo cooooool :O**

**EB: it's pretty neat, i guess.**

**GG: i almost completely forgot i was his server player!**

**GG: i hope hes not in trouble, i should check on him**

**GG: we probably have so much to catch up on**

**EB: i just messaged him, he is not answering.**

**GG: i dont see him in his house either :(**

**EB: ehhh, he's fine, he has been doing a lot of time traveling.**

**EB: i talked to him from the future, so he must be ok now to make it that far.**

**GG: oh, ok...**

**GG: jeez, i feel so out of the loop :(**

**EB: yes, that is why we need to get you in the loop!**

**EB: the loop being the game. hurry upstairs! your transporty pad thingies take you straight up, right?**

**GG: yes! ok here i go**

**EB: oh, wait!**

**GG: what!**

**EB: what do we do about prototyping?**

**EB: we shouldn't put your grandpa in yet, unless we want lots of imps and ogres and stuff that look like your grandpa.**

**GG: augh, nooooooooooooooo**

**EB: we could put in something really lame, to make all the monsters weaker!**

**EB: or at the very least, more ridiculous looking.**

**EB: like one of these weird pictures of blue ladies lying around.**

**EB: what's the deal with those, anyway?**

**GG: oh god, dont get me started :|**

**GG: he was a strange and silly man**

**EB: i guess we could just put nothing in and see what happens.**

**GG: hmmmmmmm, perhaps**

**GG: is that allowed?**

**EB: i don't see why not.**

**EB: maybe i will ask rose, because she suddenly understands everything for some reason.**

**GG: yes, thats a good idea**

**EB: we have ten minutes to think about it.**

**EB: whoops! i mean a lot less than ten minutes!**

**EB: hurry upstairs, go go go!**

Bro Strider held Lil' Cal in one hand and his sword that Jack had given back to him in the other. Out of one of his eyes, he saw Jack advancing on him, and in the other, he saw Davesprite. Davesprite flew towards Jack, orange sword back and ready to swing.

Jade proceeded to the stairwell, where the stuffed monster sat on the Transportalizer.

**EB: what is this thing, anyway?**

**EB: and why is it blocking your transporter?**

**GG: it is some sort of terrible creature my grandpa hunted**

**GG: he called it the typheus minion**

**GG: i always hated it!**

**EB: typheus?**

**EB: like the web browser?**

**GG: i guess so**

**GG: it is probably a coincidence though**

**EB: hmm, i don't know...**

**EB: if you think numbers always mean something, why wouldn't browser names?**

**GG: yeah maybe...**

**GG: i guess it would make sense for someone to name a really awful web browser after such a hideous monster**

**EB: wow, you sure do hate that thing!**

**GG: well sorry, i just found it sort of a weird and creepy thing to grow up with!**

**EB: i think it is pretty cool.**

**EB: and he is actually sort of cute to be honest, :p**

**GG: :p!**

**EB: oh, and screw you, typheus is an awesome browser!**

**EB: it is old school.**

**GG: joooohhhhhn, it is so crappy**

**EB: typheus is the best and that's really all there is to say on the matter.**

**GG: YEAH RIGHT**

**GG: now is obviously not the best time to have the argument about whose browser is better...**

**GG: but really john you should upgrade to echidna, its so much nicer**

**GG: after you upgrade your clunky old computer of course :P**

**GG: maybe when i am in the game, i can give you one of mine!**

**EB: oh please.**

**EB: i will have you know, miss fancy computer dork...**

**EB: that i DID upgrade my computer.**

**GG: oh?**

**EB: yes, you are talking to the proud owner of a brand new BILL COSBY COMPUTER, ok?**

**GG: :O**

**EB: it is a stylish laptop in the shape of none other than bill cosby, the comedy LEGEND himself.**

**GG: omg**

**EB: he is looking a little sly, and fatherly, and he is wearing a sweater, and he is bill cosby.**

**EB: i made it with my alchemiter.**

**GG: john that is incredible**

**GG: i cant wait to make stuff like that!**

**GG: except...**

**GG: all my awesome stuff exploded with my room :(**

**EB: then you will just have to make lots of NEW awesome stuff!**

**GG: yay!**

**EB: ok hold that thought, im going to yank this stupid monster off of the thing.**

John lifted Echidna and moved it down into the grand foyer, where he dropped it. The stuffed monster fell with a thud and everything went flying. Thankfully, nothing ended up in the kernelsprite yet.

**EB: augh!**

**EB: i am making such a fucking mess in here.**

In the meantime, Jade went upstairs to her garden atrium. What was John talking about?

**GG: what is the problem!**

**EB: oh, nothing.**

**EB: i am just dropping monsters all over the place, that is all.**

**EB: are you upstairs?**

**GG: yes**

**EB: ok, good.**

**EB: i left the cruxite by the lathe, as well as the punched card with the green thingy on it.**

**EB: you should have plenty of time to make it. no drama here!**

**GG: nice!**

**GG: how much time?**

**EB: a little more than 6 minutes.**

**EB: in the meantime, i will try to contact rose and get this prototyping nonsense sorted out.**

**EB: it's so confusing...**

**EB: in my foolishness, i came very close to prototyping your grandpa.**

**GG: D:**

**GG: john, try to be more careful!**

**EB: we very nearly had to face our grandfatherly paradox-dad as a last boss.**

**EB: that would probably be the worst case scenario.**

**GG: um...**

**GG: what?**

Lil' Cal flashed back and forth in front of the Archagent, distracting him. The puppet punched him in the face then wrapped his arms around the black carapacian, but Jack flew into the air and shook the puppet off. He lifted his arm and used the red miles, which poured out like so much strands of lava, laying waste to LOWAS. Bro and Davesprite watched in horror.

Elsewhere, Rose held a crystal ball in her hand, using dark magic to see what was happening to LOWAS. The lava burned brightly within and Rose could see fractionally more. "Professor McBeardy Von Turtle," she said, gesturing towards a pink turtle with a beard and glasses. "Bring me my book, please." The turtle brought her a book of black magic and she began to consult it. She stopped briefly, however, upon noticing that John was pestering her.

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**EB: rose, i have a question, and i am in a hurry!**

**EB: so hurry up and answer!**

**TT: Did you know your planet was on fire?**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: it is?**

**TT: Yes. It makes a good light for reading, actually.**

**EB: ok, haha, that's a confusing thing you said, but that topic will have to wait!**

**EB: jade is minutes away from entering, and i need to decide what to do with this kernel sprite.**

**EB: i really don't want to mess up and do something stupid.**

**EB: i was thinking about not prototyping at all, to not give the monsters any new powers.**

**EB: what do you think, rose?**

**EB: i thought i'd ask since you seem to know all the mysteries.**

**TT: Yes, I do seem to be shadowed by each mystery and its somber cortege of riddles, don't I?**

**EB: yes.**

**EB: that is exactly what i was going to say.**

**TT: First of all, I should preface this conversation by saying I know exactly what you and Jade are going to do.**

**EB: um...**

**EB: ok?**

**TT: The more of our future I've been allowed to see, the more I'm presented with a challenge I'm not very comfortable with.**

**TT: The trolls have tipped us off about what's to come without any regard for the consequences, as appears to be their nature.**

**TT: But maybe that's why it's worked for them.**

**TT: Maybe their indiscretion mingles with the cosmic noise that is the fabric of temporal uncertainty.**

**EB: bluhhhhhh...**

**EB: rose, tick tick tick!**

**TT: Sorry, John.**

**TT: I'm just nervous about it.**

**TT: About whether telling you what you definitely will or won't do will alter a predetermined outcome.**

**TT: The result would be a splintered timeline, and we would all be sentenced to eventual oblivion.**

**TT: I'm presently optimistic this has not happened yet, and this is still the alpha timeline. I'd like to keep it that way.**

**EB: oh, wow.**

**EB: you mean like when i died in another dimension, because terezi hornswoggled me?**

**TT: Yes, sort of.**

**TT: It isn't much fun, John.**

**EB: what's not?**

**TT: Living for months in an offshoot reality, waiting for the curtain to drop.**

**EB: oh, ok, i see.**

**EB: well, uh...**

**EB: is there anything you can tell me?**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: I guess I can permit myself to tell you this, somewhat definitively.**

**EB: what?**

**TT: Failing to prototype the kernel is the absolute worst thing that you could possibly do.**

**TT: Like, ever.**

**EB: oh no!**

**TT: We would come into possession of all the disasters.**

**TT: Exhaustive possession. Monopolization, in fact.**

**EB: then i guess i will not do that.**

**EB: why is it so bad?**

**TT: Because the battlefield will not be able to heal, and then transform.**

**TT: It will not reach the stage which allows it to become ready to receive our universe.**

**EB: but...**

**EB: i thought you said it wasn't going to be able to make a universe anyway?**

**EB: wasn't it barren or something?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: so why is it important?**

**TT: Because if it does not reach this stage, we will not be able to recover the treasure hidden in its core.**

**TT: Which is to say,**

**TT: You will not be able to recover it.**

**TT: When you go to sleep again.**

**EB: OHHHHHH.**

**EB: why didn't you say so, of course the answer is treasure.**

**TT: Yes. This is the treasure that will give us hope.**

**TT: But only if it comes into being in the first place.**

**EB: what is the treasure exactly?**

**TT: John, what is that sound?**

**EB: what sound?**

**TT: It seems to be a ticking noise.**

**EB: aaaahh!**

**EB: yeah, i've got to go. we can chat about treasure later.**

**EB: anyway, i will sort out this prototyping silliness myself.**

**EB: thanks rose!**

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **ceased pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**


	92. Book 6 Chapter 13: An Ocean of Oil

Chapter 13: An Ocean of Oil

Jade examined her pre-punched card. What the heck was this? She carved the totem and pestered Dave.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**GG: dave!**

**GG: are you busy?**

**GG: i dont have much time!**

**GG: i am about to make my entry item, and its a little confusing**

**GG: i think the more players we add, the trickier they are to... um...**

**GG: activate!**

**GG: like yours was**

**GG: i figured we could brainstorm about it, while john fusses with the kernel**

**GG: helloooooo?**

**TG: nak nak nak**

**GG: :o**

**TG: nak nak nak nak nak nak**

**GG: :\**

**GG: whaaat...?**

**TG: nakka nakka nak**

**GG: dammit dave!**

**GG: this is really urgent!**

**TG: MY GLASSES ARE TALKING TO ME MY GLASSES ARE TALKING TO ME**

**TG: naknak naknaknaknaknaknak naknak naknak**

**GG: ._.**

Somewhere on LOHAC, Dave lay asleep, dreaming of derse. One of the red nakking crocodiles had put on his iShades.

Dave flew over to Rose's tower and climbed in through the window. The sleeping girl had some kind of black aura around her. Well, that was what she got for using black magic and talking with evil gods.

Awake Rose looked into her crystal ball and saw Dave lying on the ground in some kind of golden temple place, surrounded by a bunch of nakking crocodiles.

She switched her screen to view John, who was sleeping on the corner of his bed. He was rapidly sinking into some kind of ocean of oil! "Oh my god!" Rose said. "John!"

John woke up on the corner of his bed in the middle of an ocean of oil. Wait, what had happened? Where was he? Wait, was that his Cosbytop over there, sinking into the oil? NO BILL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How many times must he say goodbye?

And over there, his sprite-summoning medallion!

"NO NANNA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried aloud. Well, at least he was pretty sure she didn't live in there or something. She was probably still back at his house, baking or something.

He pestered Jade, but there was no response. HE WAS JUST SO FRUSTRATED he tossed his PDA into the ocean. Wait, why the hell would he do that? What was the point?

In spite of being an idiot, he still had a viable remaining communication device - the PDA goggles - stashed away in his sylladex somewhere. And as fortune would have it, someone was communicating with him. Rose. This girl better have some damn answers!

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**TT: John.**

**EB: blaaauuuuuuuuugh, what happened!**

**TT: You were sleeping.**

**EB: yes, i know!**

**EB: on the corner of my ghost bed!**

**EB: in the middle of an oil ocean!**

**EB: for some reason!**

**TT: Why were you sleeping?**

**TT: Everywhere I look, I see boys taking naps.**

**EB: um...**

**EB: i have no idea.**

**EB: i don't remember what happened, i was in the middle of helping jade...**

**EB: and then...**

**EB: i guess my bed crashed?**

**EB: and i got knocked out i guess.**

**EB: i was dreaming.**

**EB: i couldn't have been out for that long, because my dream was really short.**

**TT: You weren't.**

**TT: Ten minutes, I'd say.**

**TT: What were you dreaming about?**

**EB: i was on the battlefield again.**

**EB: but i did not have time to seek the treasure!**

**TT: I wouldn't imagine so.**

**EB: but...**

**EB: i did see a black guy wrapped up in my ghosty bed sheets.**

**EB: he was acting very suspicious.**

**TT: A black guy?**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: i do not mean like, an african american or anything.**

**EB: like bill cosby.**

**TT: Thanks for clearing that up.**

**EB: r.i.p. bill. :(**

**EB: this fellow had a hard black shell, like all the dead guys do.**

**EB: i followed him for a bit...**

**EB: and then some sorta ruckus transpired, and i woke up.**

**EB: and now jade won't answer!**

**EB: do you know if she's ok?**

**TT: She's fine.**

**TT: But you're not.**

**EB: i'm not?**

**TT: Remember how I said your planet was on fire?**

**EB: oh yeah...**

**EB: that didn't by any chance stop being a thing that was true, did it?**

**TT: It did not.**

**TT: Do you see that pinkish hue behind you, bleeding over the horizon?**

**EB: fuck!**

**EB: rose, this is all oil! it'll all just explode any second, won't it?**

**TT: I don't think the fire's rate of propagation is quite as fast as you're imagining.**

**TT: But the danger is still significant.**

**TT: Especially considering that your bed is sinking.**

**EB: fuuuuuuuuuuuck!**

**TT: Relax.**

**TT: Look to your right.**

John looked to his right. There were a bunch of small rocks jutting out of the water leading up to a small island platform. John began to make his way across immediately.

**TT: This will at least buy you some time.**

**TT: If you stay calm, and we work together, we can get you out of this.**

**TT: I'm practically an expert at escaping fires by now.**

**EB: ok, thank you rose.**

**EB: hey, how do you know these things anyway?**

**EB: can you see me somehow?**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: I have a crystal ball.**

**EB: oh man, really?**

**TT: Yes.**

**EB: like a magic one?**

**TT: I think so.**

**EB: can it show you the future?**

**EB: is that how you know what's going to happen?**

**TT: No, it can only show me various locations in the present moment, as far as I can tell.**

**TT: My perception of the future has been informed by other sources.**

**EB: like what?**

**TT: Informants.**

**EB: durrrrr.**

**TT: Whispering gods, memories sifted from dreams, cryptic readings from unearthed talismans, conclusions drawn from riddles deciphered - every gambit you'd expect a quest to extend to an emerging seer.**

**TT: Just as I presume an heir would be supplied with what's needed for his maturation, assuming he's looking for it.**

**EB: oh... yeah.**

**EB: point taken. i guess i should be looking, huh?**

**TT: You should probably be doing what you're doing.**

**EB: okay, so...**

**EB: with what you've learned from your dreams and gods and magic and stuff...**

**EB: do you have it all mapped out now? do you know everything?**

**TT: I didn't know why you were asleep, did I?**

**EB: yeah, but...**

**EB: neither did i!**

**TT: I have more pedestrian sources too, you know.**

**TT: Sometimes trolls blither tidbits about the future, and I can't help but take note of it.**

**TT: Just as they do with you.**

**TT: You also have access to the oracle clouds in Skaia, whereas I do not.**

**EB: oh yeah.**

**TT: Knowing the future is no remarkable feat here.**

**TT: It appears to be a fact of life.**

**TT: I'm not all that special, John.**

**EB: ok, buuuuuut...**

**EB: i guess that's not all i'm talking about.**

**EB: you seem a little different.**

**EB: kind of, um... spooky?**

**TT: Really?**

**EB: i just mean that before, it felt like we were in this adventure together, figuring stuff out as we went along.**

**EB: and now you have all the answers! because of magic, and other mysterious reasons!**

**EB: and you want to use your powers to break the game, and i still don't really understand why, and...**

**EB: bluh.**

**TT: I'm not actually trying to caricaturize a grim sorcerer.**

**TT: There's still a perfectly intact piece of my mind which realizes how ridiculous it is to be flying across rainbow oceans with a couple of magic wands and a salamander in a little cowl.**

**TT: And it wasn't without swallowing a little embarrassment that I revealed I was using a crystal ball just now.**

**TT: It's all pretty absurd.**

**TT: And yet,**

**TT: It's been fun, and above all, practical.**

**TT: For solving our problems.**

**EB: ok, yeah, you're right.**

**EB: i guess i just started worryin'...**

**EB: that you are getting away from us!**

**EB: because you know everything, and you're magic, and you have a crystal ball, and a salamander, and you are basically a wizard.**

**EB: and that's cool, and it sure does sound fun...**

**EB: but i kinda think it was more fun when you just did things like read books, and tell jokes.**

**TT: I still read books and tell jokes.**

**EB: BA-DUM PSHHH!**

**TT: John,**

**TT: That was mean.**

**EB: sorry. :(**

**EB: well, if you do not have any objection... **

**EB: maybe later, i will drop by your planet again and rescue you, thus breaking the spooky spell put on you by your nefarious, shadowy masters. **

**TT: Swoon!**

**EB: that way you will stop being so grimdark and ominous, and basically completely off the deep end in every way, as is now painfully obvious to anyone with a brain. **

**TT: I will do by best to occupy myself as benignly and unmagically as possible until you show up.**

**EB: yes. **

**EB: please write some happy stories in your journal, about lively horses, and conspicuously not about wizards, or sadness. **

**TT: ... "Happy?"**

**TT: What is this strange, unsad emotion of which you speak?**

**EB: yes, this is good. **

**EB: you see rose, these are jokes. **

**EB: this are what they look like, do not be alarmed. **

**TT: Jokes?**

**TT: Are those the things people say when they want unusual noises to come out of the pliable crescent-shaped holes sometimes found in people's faces?**

**EB: laughs, rose. laaaughs. **

**EB: also, those crescenty looking holes where laughs come out of? **

**EB: those are smiles! **

**EB: observe... :D **

**TT: I need to make a note of this.**

**TT: Excuse me while I open this tome bound in the tanned, writhing flesh of a tortured hellscholar. The screaming will subside shortly.**

**EB: ok, i will wait patiently. **

**TT: Continue to not be alarmed as I record your advice with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imaginary occultists.**

**TT: And then brace yourself for the fabled blackdeath trance of the woegothics I will slip into, while quaking in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues.**

**EB: no, rose! **

**EB: that sort of nonsense is exactly what is out of the question! **

**EB: i see things are more urgent than i realized. **

**EB: i will have to venture there straightaway, and slap you right out of that silly old trance! **

**TT: One is not easily shaken from the broodfester tongues, John.**

**TT: They are stubborn throes.**

**EB: oh. **

**EB: well shit. **

**TT: Besides, you can't come to my planet right away.**

**TT: You will need to recover the treasure first, because it must be delivered to me.**

**EB: oh yeah. **

**EB: what is this treasure, anyway? **

**EB: and how's it gonna save us! **

**TT: You'd probably be disappointed if I described it.**

**EB: tell me anyway! **

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: It's called ****The Tumor****.**

**EB: ... **

**EB: you're right, that is the shittiest sounding treasure i have ever heard.**

**EB: so what is this tumor supposed to do? **

**EB: and what is the significance of... **

**EB: removing it, i guess? **

**EB: does that mean im curing the battlefield or something? **

**EB: like the planet's doctor? **

**EB: hello? **

**EB: rose? **

**TT: Sorry.**

**TT: I was preoccupied.**

**EB: by what? **

**TT: Oh, let's say,**

**TT: Troll stuff.**

**TT: You know how it is.**

**EB: ? **

**TT: Incidentally, looks like you will have your own troll stuff to attend to shortly.**

**EB: i will? **

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: Involving the one who hates you, and the one who likes you.**

**EB: um... **

**EB: which ones are those? **

**TT: You don't have a guess?**

**EB: uh... karkat and vriska? **

**EB: oh god, i was right. there they are now. **

**EB: how did you know? **

**TT: I have to go, John.**

**TT: Talk to your trolls.**

**TT: We'll catch up shortly.**

**EB: wait! **

**EB: there's stuff you didn't tell me! **

**EB: what happened with jade? did i mess anything up with the prototyping? **

**EB: aaaugh, why can't i remember! **

**EB: don't go yet rose, tell me! **

**EB: rose? **

**\- tentacleTherapist [****TT****] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [****EB****] ****\- **

**EB: BLUH BLUH **

**EB: HUGE WITCH**


	93. Book 6 Chapter 14: Bec Noir

Chapter 14: Bec Noir

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**CG: IT'S ME AGAIN, ASSHOLE**

**CG: THE ONE WHO HATES YOU, REMEMBER?**

**CG: OR SHOULD I SAY FUTURE-REMEMBER?**

**EB: karkat!**

**CG: AGAIN WITH KNOWING MY NAME**

**CG: IT'S REALLY FUCKING UNSETTLING WHEN YOU DO THAT.**

**CG: I WONDER HOW FAR BACK YOU KNOW IT**

**CG: I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A SPECIAL POINT OF NOT BEING THE ONE TO TELL YOU, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION.**

**EB: hey, shut up a second!**

**EB: i need you to be nice for a change and do me a favor...**

**EB: have you talked to jade recently?**

**EB: can you tell me what happened to her?**

**CG: WHO THE FUCK IS JADE.**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: hmm.**

**CG: JOHN, THE FACT THAT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK I CAN READ YOUR MIND JUST UNDERSCORES WHAT A HARROWING GODDAMN IDIOT YOU ARE.**

**EB: jade is the girl who i am pretty sure just entered our session.**

**EB: she is my client player.**

**CG: OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING UP.**

**EB: um, yeah... i thought you knew that? you talked to her a bunch of times, apparently.**

**CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW THAT.**

**CG: THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I HAVE EVER TALKED TO A HUMAN.**

**CG: AND THE FIRST TIME, MUCH TO MY MIGRAINE COMPOUNDING REGRET, WAS WITH YOU.**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: ok, i see what is going on here.**

**EB: we are finally getting to our first couple of conversations. cool!**

**CG: NO, NOT "COOL".**

**CG: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IS VERY MUCH ANTITHETICAL TO YOUR PRIMITIVE HUMAN NOTION OF "EARTH COOL".**

**CG: YOU SEE, IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATION, WE DIDN'T EXACTLY GET OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT.**

**CG: IT IS A FOOT WHICH SHOULD HAVE REEKED OF YOUR VERBAL RUINATION.**

**CG: BUT INSTEAD IT SMELLED LIKE**

**CG: WELL, LET'S NOT GET INTO THAT.**

**CG: I AM HERE TO DO WHAT YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC CADRE OF CO-HUMANS FAILED TO DO, WHICH IS SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.**

**CG: I AM HERE TO UTTERLY ANNIHILATE YOUR SHIT.**

**CG: I WILL STAY ON MESSAGE THIS TIME. I WILL NOT BE DETERRED BY YOUR GOOFY MANNERISMS AND YOUR ABSURD PENCHANT FOR REVELING IN SELF ABUSE.**

**CG: WE WILL GET OFF ON A FRESH FOOT, AND BY FRESH I MEAN MOST FOUL INDEED.**

**CG: ITS TOES ARE WIGGLING UNDER YOUR HIDEOUS PINK NOSTRILS. NOW BREATHE DEEP YOUR MISFORTUNE, YOU SAD LITTLE CLOWN.**

**CG: THIS IS THE END OF YOU. THAT AROMA YOU DETECT WAFTS FROM THE BOUQUET PERCHED ON YOUR CORPSE BOX.**

**CG: NOBODY CRIES, EXCEPT YOUR SHITTY GHOST. HEAVY SOBS FROM A SPECTER OF UNQUALIFIED FAILURE.**

**CG: IT IS A SYMPHONY TO MY ANGRY EARS.**

**EB: so... the smell is from a foot... but also from funeral flowers?**

**EB: this metaphor is confusing.**

**CG: STFU**

**CG: I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED.**

**EB: yeah, i know!**

**EB: this is all that big time trolling i was looking forward to.**

**EB: and it's pretty good so far, and ordinarily i would be excited to hear more...**

**CG: YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?**

**CG: YOU ARE ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS, WHAT A SICK FUCK.**

**EB: but i really am concerned about what happened with jade!**

**EB: my request for a favor still stands, even though this is early you, and you still think you hate me.**

**CG: DON'T QUESTION THE SINCERITY OF MY HATE, JUST DON'T EVEN FUCKING GO THERE.**

**EB: ok, fine! you hate me sooooo much, like, for real.**

**EB: can you just tell me what's up with jade?**

**EB: can you see her?**

**CG: YEAH I SEE HER**

**CG: IT'S MAKING ME MAD SEEING HER**

**EB: can you tell me what happened? what did she do that was so bad?**

**CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA**

**CG: HERE I AM TALKING TO YOU MOMENTS AFTER YOU DID THE TERRIBLE THING, AND YOU STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID!**

**CG: INCREDIBLE, YOU TRULY ARE DUMBER THAN I THOUGHT.**

**EB: ok! i'm an idiot! can you just tell me anyway?**

**EB: whoa...**

**CG: WHAT**

**EB: the ground is shaking...**

**EB: what's going on?**

**CG: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON.**

**CG: WHAT YOU FUCKING DID IS WHAT'S GOING ON.**

**EB: so tell me what i fucking did!**

**CG: OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DID?**

**EB: yes!**

**EB: please, no more stalling or "i already told you's" or any other maddening nonsense!**

**EB: just...**

**EB: TELL ME!**

**CG: VERY WELL, JOHN HUMAN EGBERT.**

**CG: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID**

**CG: READY FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID?**

**CG: HERE'S ME, TELLING YOU WHAT YOU DID**

**CG: OK, HERE GOES**

**CG: WHAT YOU DID IS AS FOLLOWS**

**CG: AS SUCH**

**CG: AND THUSLY**

**EB: :|**

Karkat then proceeded to tell John what he did, as such. And we will now proceed to read what happened. Thusly.

A meteor raced toward planet Earth, or, more specifically, towards Jade's house. They were going to run out of time.

Jade put the totem in the Alchemiter and the device spawned a green holographic tree on its central pad. A green piñata in the shape of Becquerel, the first guardian of Earth, appeared, and a green blindfold covered Jade's eyes. Seriously?

She held up one of her hunting rifles and pointed it at the piñata.

Back on LOWAS, in the past, John sat on his bed, floating through the air, wondering what to prototype the kernelsprite with. He decided on the large blue-haired doll and began to drag it towards where the kernelsprite lay in wait.

Vriska watched John just sit there as his entire work was devoured by red miles. What was the idiot doing? She proceeded to put him to sleep. The blue-haired doll fell short of the kernelsprite.

Bec watched as the meteor got closer and closer to Jade's tower. He warped into the grand foyer and teleported everything out. Everything but one thing. The kernelsprite. It wouldn't teleport away, nor should it.

"Arf," said Bec, and then he himself leaped into the kernelsprite, creating Becsprite. All around the grand foyer, green-and-white crackling electric energy bounced off of the walls. John, being asleep, did not see this transpire. Jade, being blindfolded, did not see this transpire either.

Becsprite flew from the tower to the giant meteor, which was getting nearer by the second. Jade whacked her rifle back and forth as if it were a bat, trying to hit the piñata. Eventually, she discovered the location of it and… Before she could hit it, an explosion throughout the garden atrium sent Jade flying out the window.

Becsprite flew up to the meteor and engulfed it whole with his first guardian powers. The green energy shockwave hit the Earth and created giant waves across the water. It grew larger and larger, beginning to engulf practically the entire planet.

Somewhere on LOWAS, amidst burning red miles, Bro Strider, Davesprite, and Lil' Cal battled Jack Noir fiercely. The battle didn't seem to be going anywhere though. Bro leaped onto his rocket board and lunged at Jack, but Jack managed to get out of the way in time.

Back on Earth, Becsprite returned to Jade's house just as the green shockwave began to reach her. He barked.

As the girl fell, she released a bullet towards where she'd heard the bark. Just as she'd expected, the dog shifted dimensions into the atrium and the bullet hit the piñata. Jade and Becsprite and the volcano and the the tower all entered The Medium.

Back on LOWAS, Jack's ring began to act up. His wings, the sword through his stomach… everything disappeared until he was just the normal Archagent again, and then he sprouted wings. Green-and-white wings. And then his face began to grow ears and his face began to transform into that of a dog. A snout appeared. Energy crackled, and Jack Noir became Bec Noir, a first guardian killing machine.

Back in the past, in a different session, the twelve trolls stood on a frog platform at the end of their journey. They were surrounded by thousands of doomed Aradiabots. Karkat reached for the doorknob, when suddenly, a black orb appeared in the center of the platform. It grew, enveloping everything in darkness, and then he appeared.

Bec Noir slashed off the top of the door, hand covered in the blood of the innocent, and floated in front of the trolls, sword in hand, ready to perform. genocide.

Thankfully, however, Aradiabot telekinetically lifted all of the trolls and threw them back to where they'd come from, through the Final Transportalizer. One thousand Aradiabots converged on Bec Noir, but the first guardian Archagent held his ground.

Sometime later, Dream Karkat woke up on Prospit and stretched. He had just… what the hell? Noir stood over him imposingly, sword stuck back in his stomach. As the troll boy watched in terror, the Archagent held his hand up and pointed it straight at him.

There was a tremendous explosion and Prospit's moon was destroyed with the force of the first guardian green energy. Noir's black orb grew and destroyed the entirety of the golden planet.

Somewhere in Paradox Space, Jade free fell amidst a flurry of… what were those? Stars? No, they were too near to be stars. Snowflakes.

Back on LOWAS, Bro Strider lay dead, stabbed through the stomach by his own sword. Nearby him lay a sprite-summoning pendant - the one that Dave had given Davesprite while he lay asleep in the temple.

Jack donned Bro's shades, grabbed Lil' Cal, and flew off into the Skaian night. The fires of LOWAS burned green.

**CG: YOU MADE AN UNBEATABLE BOSS IS WHAT YOU DID.**

**CG: THE IDIOT YOU CALL THE JADE HUMAN WENT AHEAD AND PROTOTYPED HER FREAK OF A LUSUS, WHILE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE A NAP FOR SOME REASON RATHER THAN DOING WHAT A LEADER IS SUPPOSED TO DO AND STOP HER FROM BEING SO FUCKING RETARDED.**

**CG: YOUR VERSION OF JACK, WHO YOU WERE SOMEHOW DUMB ENOUGH TO ENTRUST WITH THE QUEEN'S RING, BECAME ESSENTIALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE. **

**CG: HE THEN WENT ON A RAMPAGE THROUGH YOUR POINTLESS SESSION, WHICH HILARIOUSLY, WAS ALREADY A LOST CAUSE EVEN BEFORE THIS HAPPENED! **

**CG: I AM JUST BESIDE MYSELF WITH THE SPECTACULAR BREADTH OF YOUR FAILURE.**

**CG: AND IF THIS WASN'T BAD ENOUGH **

**CG: YOUR "SOLUTION" LATER WOULD BE TO OPEN A RIFT IN SOME GLORIOUS GESTURE OF MEANINGLESS SUICIDE.**

**CG: AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW **

**CG: BUT THE RIFT YOU OPENED ENABLED HIM TO ENTER OUR SESSION, JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO CLAIM OUR PRIZE.**

**CG: AND NOW WE'RE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO FUCKING DEAL WITH HIM! **

**CG: SO THANKS A LOT, SHIT HEAD.**

**EB: jade prototyped a lusus?**

**EB: what's that?**

**CG: OH **

**CG: OK, MY BAD, I FORGOT I WAS TALKING TO A MEMBER OF A GENERICALLY BIZARRE ALIEN SPECIES. **

**CG: I GUESS SOME HUMANS HAVE A LUSUS, WHILE OTHERS DON'T? WHATEVER. **

**CG: HER LUSUS IS THE CREATURE WHICH SERVES AS HER CUSTODIAN. **

**EB: oh, you mean her dog!**

**CG: I GUESS **

**EB: so, she prototyped becquerel?**

**EB: why is that so bad?**

**CG: JOHN, DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? **

**CG: IS THIS HOW HUMAN FRIENDSHIP WORKS? YOU JUST DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT EACH OTHER? **

**CG: HER LUSUS EXHIBITS THE PROPERTIES OF A LEGENDARY ENTITY CALLED A FIRST GUARDIAN. **

**CG: IT IS AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROSITY.**

**EB: what properties?**

**CG: OK, FOR STARTERS, NOTICE HOW THE FURIOUS WALL OF FIRE CURRENTLY RUSHING TOWARD YOU IS TURNING GREEN? **

**EB: uh oh...**

**CG: YEAH **

**CG: THOSE FUCKING PROPERTIES.**

**CG: BUT IT'S A LOT MORE THAN THAT. **

**CG: AS THE DEFENDERS OF THEIR PLANETS, THEY'RE VIRTUALLY OMNIPOTENT. **

**CG: PROTOTYPING ONE IS ABSOLUTELY UNCONSCIONABLE.**

**CG: THE RESULT IS A BOSS A HELL OF A LOT WORSE THAN WHAT WE HAD TO FIGHT, AND WE PROTOTYPED TWELVE TIMES RATHER THAN A MEASLY FOUR. **

**CG: AND ONE OF OUR PROTOTYPINGS INCLUDED AN OUTER FUCKING GOD THE SIZE OF A CITY! **

**CG: I HOPE THIS PUTS IN PERSPECTIVE HOW TERRIBLE YOU ARE. **

**EB: huh...**

**EB: yeah, it kind of does.**

**EB: i'm sorry karkat, i didn't realize we screwed up so bad.**

**CG: ALRIGHT WELL**

**CG: I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO MAN UP AND APOLOGIZE FOR IT, SO OK I'LL GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THAT.**

**CG: BUT IT'S NOT STOPPING ME FROM DETESTING YOU AND IT SURE AS FUCK ISN'T GOING TO DERAIL THIS RUNAWAY HATE TRAIN, JUST SO YOU KNOW.**

**EB: oh, yeah, i know. **

**EB: you're really gonna tear me apart! **

**EB: i just feel kind of bad i fell asleep, i don't know what came over me. **

**EB: maybe i ate too much lasagna. **

**CG: HEY, INOPPORTUNE NAPS HAPPEN IN THIS GAME.**

**CG: EXCEPT TO ME, BEING THE STALWART MODEL OF LEADERSHIP I AM.**

**CG: I MANAGED TO STAY AWAKE FOR SEVERAL WEEKS STRAIGHT, I DIDN'T WANT TO LET MY GUARD DOWN FOR A SECOND.**

**CG: BUT THEN**

**CG: AFTER IT WAS ALL OVER, AND WE RETREATED IN FAILURE**

**CG: I FOOLISHLY DID.**

**CG: AND THAT'S WHEN I SAW HIM.**

**EB: who?**

**CG: JACK. **

**CG: I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM WHEN HE FIRST APPEARED. **

**CG: BUT ON PROSPIT, I SAW HIM UP CLOSE, WITHOUT ALL THAT RIDICULOUS GREEN SHIT OBSCURING HIM. **

**CG: I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE IT WAS REALLY HIM BY THE WAY HE LOOKED, BUT I JUST KNEW. **

**CG: HE WAS WEARING A RING I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE, CERTAINLY NOT ONE BELONGING TO OUR QUEENS. **

**CG: WE DESTROYED THOSE. **

**CG: HE WORE IT ON HIS ONE HAND, WHICH WAS COVERED IN OUR MUTANT BLOOD. **

**CG: AND THEN **

**CG: JUST LIKE THAT **

**CG: HE KILLED ME **

**CG: AND I GUESS **

**CG: EVEN THOUGH IT WAS PROBABLY JUST HIS WAY OF SAYING HI **

**CG: I STILL FELT KIND OF BETRAYED. **

**EB: betrayed?**

**CG: YES JOHN. BETRAYED. **

**EB: um, ok.**

**CG: WHEN I WOKE UP, EVERYONE HERE WAS BUZZING ABOUT THESE ALIENS CALLED HUMANS.**

**CG: SO NATURALLY I'M LIKE WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?**

**CG: WELL, WRONG.**

**CG: I PRETTY QUICKLY DETERMINED THAT HE WAS FROM YOUR SESSION, NOT OURS.**

**CG: SO HE WASN'T REALLY "MY JACK"**

**CG: AND I WAS SORT OF RELIEVED**

**CG: RELIEVED BUT ALSO ENRAGED**

**CG: I'M SURE YOU KNOW THE FEELING.**

**EB: er... **

**EB: not really.**

**CG: ANYWAY, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, AND THAT'S WHY YOU ARE SUCH A DISGRACE.**

**CG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER EXPLAIN ALL THIS STUFF TO YOU, BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE IT WILL HELP MY HEADACHE MUCH TO REPEAT MYSELF.**

**CG: I BET IT'LL BE PRETTY FRUSTRATING FOR YOU IN THE PAST!**

**EB: i suppose it was... **

**EB: but meh, it is all water under the bridge. **

**EB: which is where trolls and their shenanigans belong! **

**CG: HA HA! I'M LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT YOUR FUNNY FUCKING JOKE.**

**CG: I HOPE THIS IS THE CALIBER OF HUMOR I CAN EXPECT FROM YOU IN THE FUTURE-PAST, EGBERT.**

**CG: IT'LL BE A REAL TREAT TROLLING YOU WITH MORE OF THOSE NUB SLAPPERS TO LOOK FORWARD TO!**

**EB: oh, there will be lots of great material. just wait until i start handing out rabbits, you will love that. **

**CG: WOW, WHAT A CRYPTIC STATEMENT.**

**CG: CHECK THIS OUT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.**

**CG: ANYWAY, GUESS I'LL GET GOING AND LET YOU DIE IN YOUR FIRE, WHICH YOU REALLY SHOULD, BUT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO FOR SOME REASON.**

**CG: I'VE GOT TO REWIND THE TAPE ON THIS CLUSTERFUCK AND FIGURE OUT WHAT WENT WRONG.**

**EB: yeah, i should get going too. **

**EB: my friend is pestering me, and i doubt she likes to be kept waiting. **

**EB: (she is sort of the bossy type!) **

**CG: WHY WOULD I CARE ABOUT YOUR DUMB HUMAN FRIEND AND HER PETULANT, MEANINGLESS DEMANDS.**

**CG: WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY HAVE TO DO WITH ME.**

**EB: ummm... **

**EB: yeah, you're right, it is probably of no significance to you whatsoever. **

**EB: (hehehehe) **

**CG: A;SLDKJFSDLKFJS;LDJFLK;J**

**CG: HERE, JOHN HUMAN DIPSHIT.**

**CG: HAVE A SECOND AND PENULTIMATE FUCK YOU:**

**CG: "FUCK"**

**CG: "YOU"**

**CG: MAY IT MARK THE SECOND OF MANY TO COME, AND THE MAGNIFICENT DENOUEMENT TO MANY RECEIVED.**

**CG: TOGETHER WE JUST TUGGED AT THE BOW TO UNRAVEL A PRESENT FULL OF GO FUCK YOURSELF.**

**CG: HAPPY WRIGGLING DAY YOU UGLY PILE OF TRASH.**

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist** **[EB]** **-**


	94. Book 6 Chapter 15: He is Already Here

Chapter 15: He is Already Here

Somewhere on the desolation of Planet Earth, the Windswept Questant found a large device hidden in the sand. It had an indentation of a SBURBan spirograph in it. WQ brought out her spirograph key and placed it in the indentation. She turned the dial to the left.

Suddenly, from all over the planet, little pieces of white metal came together over where the Exiles were. Together, they were in the shape of Bec's face with the SBURB logo on it. It was a dog ship!

The dog ship crashed down onto the main temple tower where the frog's head had once been. The Exiles jumped in shock at the appearance of a fourth station.

WV looked up at the dog station. There was something familiar about this. He looked at the pumpkin that had appearified back in his station. It had the same dog-faced symbol on it. He felt as though there was something he'd forgotten. Something concealed in long-slumbering memories.

He looked down at the ring he held in his hand. He'd not inspected it for years, having spent ages guarding it without understanding its purpose. Its only purpose that WV had understood had been to remind him of things he had taken care to forget. But now…

He thought it was time to remember.

Of course! The boy on the screen. The John human! He must be the same one. WV did not know how this was possible. but he was sure it was him.

John was the boy he'd seen that day as he'd stood on the Battlefield amongst his fallen comrades, the ring in hand. John was the windy one.

WV stood on the Battlefield amongst him fallen comrades, the ring in hand. The ring shone with a great powerful light that emanated throughout the sky. John stared at the carapacian holding the ring in surprise. He began to walk up to WV.

WV turned around and saw that someone was there behind him. He jumped. Egad, a thief was approaching! This pajama'd rogue surely sought to put his mitts on WV's newfound glowy treasure. He was definitely a thief. WV had an eye for these types. He was either a master thief, or, at the very least, an apprentice of one. Suddenly, the boy disappeared.

John woke up again on LOWAS, in the ocean of oil.

And back on Future Earth, WV returned to the console in his station and looked at the screen in order to command the thief's apprentice. There was much left for the boy to do.

_sir john, i have politely returned._ Yes, and it seems you have remembered your human etiquette as well. John is busy at the moment. He is talking to his friend.

_oh dear. the purple human text again?_ Yes. Her.

_what about the green text human, that one was nicer._ Yes, John is asking about her. But to no avail. She is currently preoccupied.

_drat. please continue to solicit her graciously, good john._ He will.

_why are you on a small rock? are you in peril, sir? _Why yes, he is in peril. He was stranded there on account of a nap instigated by the one he apprentices under.

_the master thief! is that who you are talking to now, john?_ No, now he's talking to the knight.

_i don't like the gray text knight. it is an unpleasant human._ He is not a human.

_john, stop talking to the gray text not human immediately._

_no stop._

_i don't think he read his etiquette book very thoroughly._

_he likely made the foolish mistake of eating the pages first._

_he is terrible._

_john listen to me._

_stop._

_stop talking to the gray text stupid dumb._

_john._

_john john john john._

_boy._

_listen to me._

_stupid windy boy._

_stop._ John is too engrossed in the conversation to entertain your wishes.

_stop stop stop stop stop stop stop._ The matter he is discussing is quite urgent. Perhaps he'll humor you another time.

WV's hand hovered over the Caps Lock key. Ah, so that's your plan, is it? Look, yelling will get you nowhere. Don't you remember? WV, don't. I am completely serious now.

WV pressed the Caps Lock button and all entrances slammed shut. "- …. / -. -!" Serenity blinked. He pressed the button again, but nothing happened. He smashed it a couple of times, but it was stuck. See? This is what happens when you forget your manners.

Somewhere on LOWAS, in the middle of an ocean of oil, John stood on a small rock while first guardian green fire swirled all around him. The Thief of Light was trolling him.

**\- arachnidsGrip ****[AG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**AG: Psssssssst.**

**AG: Hey 8rave leader.**

**AG: John!**

**AG: Stop ignoring me. My messages should receive top priority.**

**AG: Who are you talking to? I don't appreciate 8eing snu88ed like this. How ungr8ful can you get!**

**AG: Maaaaaaaan.**

**AG: Come oooooooon...**

**EB: hey vriska, sorry to keep you waiting!**

**AG: W8ting?**

**AG: Oh! I guess so. I hardly even noticed! I am like this really huge deal, and have a lot of stuff to keep me 8usy, remem8er?**

**EB: yeah, i know.**

**EB: um, sorry to cut this short, but this isn't really the best time to chat!**

**EB: i am in the middle of an ocean of oil that is ablaze with a lot of green fire.**

**EB: i need to figure out a way to escape!**

**EB: unfortunately, i fell asleep for some reason, and my bed landed here.**

**EB: i can't believe i was so stupid.**

**AG: Don't 8eat yourself up a8out it!**

**AG: I was the one who put you to sleep.**

**EB: you were?**

**AG: Yeah!**

**EB: um...**

**EB: you can do that?**

**AG: Yes, that seems to 8e the limit to what I can do to your primitive species.**

**AG: I guess our 8rains don't really work the same way? Who knows!**

**EB: hmm.**

**EB: what do you mean, "limit"?**

**EB: are you saying you can usually do more than that?**

**AG: Duh! So much more, John. I have a lot of gr8 powers.**

**AG: When we have more time, I will tell you all a8out them.**

**EB: ok, that is pretty cool i guess...**

**EB: but...**

**EB: why?**

**EB: why would you put me to sleep and put me in this predicament?**

**AG: John, soon you will understand that you are meant to rise to gr8tness.**

**AG: This can't possi8ly happen unless you are challenged.**

**AG: There will 8e times when your limits are tested. This is one of those times!**

**AG: I know this 8ecause I can see your future right here in front of me. You should trust me!**

**EB: ok, but...**

**EB: i kind of get that, but it's also kind of odd...**

**EB: if you're seeing my future, and you know those things are the outcome, then why are you going back and...**

**EB: i guess, involving yourself with these events? see what i mean?**

**AG: Oh John, this should 8e so obvious to you 8y now.**

**AG: You are going to 8ecome a gr8 hero, that much is sure.**

**AG: 8ut I want to 8e the one responsi8le for it! **

**AG: And now I am pretty much guaranteed to 8e.**

**AG: ::::)**

**EB: ok, that...**

**EB: SORT OF makes sense, i guess.**

**EB: but it's kind of hurting my head to think about!**

**AG: You don't have to think! Just leave the thinking to me.**

**AG: All you have to do is dig deep down, find your hero powers, and get yourself out of this jam.**

**AG: You can do it, John. 8e the hero!**

**AG: Just like in one of your movies a8out sweaty, rugged adult human males.**

**EB: ah HA!**

**EB: so you did watch that video I sent.**

**EB: what did you think?**

**AG: It was ok.**

**AG: I admit it was a little 8etter than I expected.**

**EB: yessssssss, i knew it! **

**AG: 8ut who cares! Let's not get sidetracked 8y films a8out wounded, muscular renegades.**

**AG: 8y the way, John, have you ever considered growing your hair out?**

**AG: I 8et it would look fa8ulous.**

**EB: no, it would look so stupid! **

**AG: I don't know a8out that!**

**AG: I have an eye for fashion. 8 of them, in fact!**

**EB: i thought you didn't want to get sidetracked! **

**AG: Oh yeah. Whoops. ::::\**

**EB: anyway, putting me to sleep and landing me in hot water is one thing... **

**EB: but you sort of indirectly caused a MUCH BIGGER problem! **

**EB: before i fell asleep, i was about to prototype something really ridiculous to make jack weaker. **

**EB: i am pretty sure that it would have made jack lose both eyes, both arms, and give him silly blue hair, and possibly also make him be a girl? **

**EB: he probably would have been pretty easy to beat! **

**EB: but instead, it was prototyped by jade's first guardian dog lusus. **

**EB: and now he is unstoppable! **

**EB: and he becomes the one who is stirrin' up all that trouble in your session too! **

**EB: i mean, it sounds like your intentions were good, but you probably didn't realize to what extent you were messing everything up! **

**AG: Don't 8e a8surd, John.**

**AG: Of course I realized that would happen.**

**AG: It was pretty much the whole point, you goof!**

**EB: what? **

**EB: vriska, why would you do that! **

**AG: Jegus, calm down.**

**EB: but! **

**EB: no! **

**EB: why should i calm down when you just said you deliberately sabotaged all of us? **

**AG: Relaaaaaaaax.**

**AG: Listen, John.**

**AG: Regardless of what I did, he is already here.**

**AG: I know this consequence will 8e hard for you to accept, 8ut whenever you feel angry or confused a8out it, just repeat this to yourself.**

**AG: It should 8ecome your mantra!**

**AG: He is already here.**

**AG: Say it, John!**

**EB: but what does that mean! **

**AG: It means what it sounds like! He's already here!**

**AG: Here in our session, trying to hunt us down! Man, this should 8e elementary to you 8y now.**

**AG: No matter what you or I or any of us did, Jack's here now. That's the reality!**

**AG: And if I didn't stop you, it wouldn't have changed the reality for us here. We'd still 8e hiding on this rock, and he'd still 8e out there, sniffing around for us.**

**AG: He wouldn't just disappear! That's not how this time stuff works.**

**AG: All that REALLY would have happened is I would have allowed you to do something you weren't supposed to do!**

**AG: You would have prototyped with your pretty 8lue doll, 8ecause of course deep down you know you are o8sessed with me.**

**AG: And then you and all your friends would exist in a splintered timeline. And you wouldn't even 8e a8le to talk to me anymore! ::::(**

**AG: And then you'd 8e doooooooomed.**

**AG: I mean, more doomed than you are already. :::;)**

**AG: Trust me, I am really smart. I have this all figured out.**

**EB: i don't know if that makes sense! **

**EB: i mean, it kind of does... **

**EB: but something doesn't really add up about it. **

**EB: if you knew he was going to be created regardless of what anyone did... **

**EB: why did you decide to involve yourself that way? **

**EB: like the way you are involving yourself with me becoming a hero or whatever? **

**AG: You just answered your own question!**

**AG: I did it 8ecause I wanted to 8e the one responsi8le for cre8ting him.**

**EB: augh! **

**EB: BUT WHYYYYYYYY! **

**AG: 8ecause, John.**

**AG: It only makes sense that I would be the one to cre8te him.**

**AG: Since I am also going to 8e the one to kill him.**

**EB: that is the dumbest thing i have ever heard.**

**AG: Don't 8e that way. **

**AG: Just 8ecause you have your whole reckoning ahead of you to kill Jack, and somehow fail, doesn't mean you have to 8e 8itter a8out it. **

**EB: i am not bitter! i just think your plan is dumb.**

**EB: if he is as strong as karkat says, he will probably kill you!**

**AG: Karkat doesn't know nothing a8out anything. **

**AG: He never really appreci8ted how powerful I 8ecame. No8ody did! I am easily the strongest troll 8y far. **

**AG: I am also extremely lucky! That is one of my powers, John. 8eing super lucky, and making my foes super UNlucky. ::::) **

**EB: er...**

**EB: is luck actually a real thing?**

**AG: Yes, and I've got all of it. I am completely untoucha8le. **

**EB: you sound pretty cocky! you should be careful about that, that is totally how people have bigtime downfalls.**

**EB: especially when they act kind of nefarious!**

**AG: Nope, I don't have to 8e careful! Too lucky for caution to matter anymore. Them's the 8r8ks! **

**AG: 8ut don't worry, once all is said and done in your session, and 8y some incredi8ly lucky 8r8k of your own you manage to survive the scratch, we might actually get the chance to meet. **

**AG: And if so, assuming I haven't gotten too 8ored w8ting around and mopped the floor with Jack already, may8e we can take him down together! **

**EB: wow, uh...**

**EB: i am not sure who would make me more nervous, you or jack.**

**AG: John, that's something a loser would say, come on. **

**AG: You should have no reason to 8e scared of me. **

**AG: 8y the time I am through with you, you should 8e even stronger than me. **

**AG: This is the way it ought to 8e, I think. ::::D **

**EB: you really think we will meet?**

**AG: It is a distinct possi8ility. **

**EB: so...**

**EB: um, if we meet...**

**EB: are you going to...**

**EB: uh.**

**AG: What? **

**EB: like,**

**EB: when you see me,**

**AG: John, what the hell are you trying to say? **

**EB: karkat said that...**

**EB: you might...**

**AG: Whaaaaaaaat? **

**EB: oh jeez, i dunno.**

**EB: never mind.**

**AG: You shouldn't listen to anything that loudmouth says. **

**AG: He had his shot 8eing in charge, and failed misera8ly. **

**AG: It's my turn now. Scratch that. **

**AG: OUR turn. **

**EB: bluhhhhhhhh.**

**EB: if you say so.**

**AG: Now quit whining and get yourself out of this mess. **

**AG: Dig deep down inside that pink, nerdy little torso of yours, find your awesome hero mojo, and do what you're a8out to do. **

**AG: I will talk to you again after you figure it out. **

**AG: 8yyyyyyyye! 3 **

**EB: wait!**

**\- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**EB: what am i about to doooooooo!**

**EB: o.**

**EB: there, that was a 9th o. you don't even deserve 8!**

**EB: whoops…**

JOHN, I APOLOGIZE IN A MANNERLY WAY FOR MY BIG LETTERS. Come on, you can't both yell and try to be polite at the same time. It's one or the other.

BUT I MUST URGE YOU TO ADDRESS THIS DANGER. The danger? You mean the green fire? Yes, this danger currently has John's full attention. What would you like him to do?

WHY DON'T YOU DO THE WINDY THING? Um… John has no idea what the windy thing is. Maybe you could be a bit more descriptive?

BOY, YOU'RE BEING VERY STUPID. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

DO THE WINDY THING.

MAKE IT BLOWY AND GUSTY.

YOU FOOL.

YOU CAN'T DIE YET.

NOT IN THE TASTY FIRE.

YOU ARE A HERO.

MAKE THE BREEZE HAPPEN.

DO THE WINDY THING. John really has no idea what you're talking about. Better hurry! He's in big trouble here.

DO THE WINDY THING DO THE WINDY THING DO THE WINDY THING

Suddenly, John did the windy thing. He created a giant blue cyclone around him, which grew and grew until it enveloped the entire planet in blue wind. John got swept up in the breeze.

**\- arachnidsGrip ****[AG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**AG: Fly, Pupa!**

**AG: Flyyyyyyyy!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**EB: oh, hey.**

**EB: who's pupa?**

**AG: No8ody, just some loser.**

**AG: Look at that, you did it!**

**EB: did what?**

**EB: you mean, this windy thing here?**

To be continued in Book 7: God Tier


	95. Book 7 Chapter 1: LOFAF

Some Book 7 for the new year :D

-Morn

* * *

Book 7: God Tier

Chapter 1: LOFAF

In Rose's room on Derse, Dave had decided to snoop. He'd found a book called _Dream Bubbles_ by Charles Dutton and had opened to a random page. Now he read what was written.

December 1st, 1995

* * *

I slept and saw God's forge in frost. It's hearth was quelled, and as it cooled so swooned the verdancy it kept above. In slumber it grew a thick winter skin, white as bedsheets. In their folds the waker dreamt, her breath as steam, her touch as hot as iron, forgotten in the fire.

Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew!

* * *

Sunlight filtered in through the windows of the garden atrium, in which Jade's Alchemiter, Totem Lathe, and lunchtop lay. Through the broken glass, snow came pouring in in a continuous stream, leaving the entire atrium buried in the frost.

Jade's tower sat on a hill next to the volcano, as it always had. The volcano was now covered in snow. There was also one of the frog towers that had been built on the land portion of the island ring. Now though, on the other side of the tower, more snow-covered ground and iced-over water lay in wait. A whole world of it, in fact. The aurora borealis flickered enticingly above.

Jade was in the Land of Frost and Frogs. Within the icy trenches and buried in the snow lay thousands of different frogs, all in a stasis, all waiting to be released.

Not far from Jade's tower, there was also a gnarled and ancient green forest, within which many red flowers grew on icy stumps and from permafrosted roots. A pink hummingbird flittered between two flowers, collecting the nectar for consumption. The blizzard raged on.

Back in her room in the tower, Jade was asleep.

It was a bright morning on Pacific Island and Jade sat on her bed, putting the finishing touches on the gift that she and her pen pal were making for John - a robotic bunny. There was a beep from her lunchtop, alerting her that someone was pestering her… or trolling her actually, in this case. Jade looked up from the bunny annoyedly and answered the troll.

**cuttlefishCuller [CC]** **began trolling ****gardenGnostic [GG]**

**CC: Glub glub glub glub glub!**

**GG: oh...**

**GG: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**CC: )(ey, take it easy!**

**CC: I'm not )(ere to give you a )(ard time like my buddies )(ave been.**

**GG: but youre a troll**

**GG: and thats what trolls do!**

**GG: even when they say they wont**

**GG: sometimes especially!**

**CC: Ok t)(en, you can be t)(e judge of t)(at. I won't be long!**

**CC: I've just come to say a couple t)(ings.**

**CC: FIRST!**

**CC: None of t)(is is really your fault!**

**CC: T)(is is swimmingly obvious to everyone )(ere w)(o takes a glubbing moment to t)(ink about it rationally.**

**CC: W)(ic)( isn't many of us! But still.**

**GG: ok...**

**GG: even though i still have no idea what youre talking about**

**CC: I mean, your lusus jumped rig)(t in t)(ere to save you!**

**CC: Just like mine did.**

**CC: Well ok, mine was dead at t)(e time. 38(**

**CC: And s)(e just kind of...**

**CC: F-ELL IN!**

**CC: Kinda drifted down like fis)(food, and POW, GL'BGOLYBSPRIT-E.**

**CC: )(e)(e)(e)(e)(e)(e)(. S)(e was so funny.**

**GG: whats a lusus!**

**CC: It's a big ol' monster custodian you grow up wit)(!**

**CC: S)(-E-ES)(, )(ow freaking retarded do you )(ave to be not to know somet)(ing like t)(at?**

**CC: I'm joking, of course. 38)**

**GG: :\**

**CC: I wanted to glub somet)(ing -ELS-E to you well before you started playing.**

**CC: Just to get t)(e idea in your )(ead!**

**CC: I am Feferi, by t)(e way. Abdicated empress to be!**

**GG: ok feferi. what is it?**

**CC: Soon I will go to sleep and speak to t)(e gods.**

**CC: I will convince t)(em to establis)( a series of stable dream bubbles, w)(ere we can meet in our sleep!**

**GG: i dont understand**

**GG: whats a dream bubble?**

**CC: YOU'LL S-E-E! 38D**

**GG: ugh**

**GG: feferi i thought you said you were going to stop using your typing quirk!**

**CC: Did I?**

**CC: When?**

**GG: i dont know... im sure i remember you said that**

**CC: )(mm.**

**CC: Jade, t)(is is t)(e first time we )(ave ever talked!**

**CC: Isn't it?**

**GG: oh**

**GG: yeah it is**

**GG: i dont know what i was thinking...**

**GG: i just had a major case of deja vu!**

**CC: W)(at's t)(at?**

**GG: i felt like we already had this conversation**

**GG: actually**

**GG: it still sort of feels that way**

**GG: its not going away :o**

**CC: Well, maybe we did!**

**CC: )(ey, by t)(e way.**

**CC: W)(at exactly are you doing t)(ere wit)( t)(at toy?**

**CC: You never did explain it to me!**

**GG: ummm**

**GG: what do you mean i never explained it to you?**

**GG: if this really is the first time we talked, why would i have?**

**CC: Good point. **

**CC: Maybe I'm feeling it too. **

**CC: I )(ave... w)(at was it? Orca vu? **

**GG: XO**

**GG: feferi that one was a stretch even by your fish punnery standards**

**GG: aaah why do i know that you like to make fish puns?**

**CC: 38? **

**GG: actually**

**GG: i do remember this conversation**

**GG: it was in the past!**

**GG: but if it was in the past, then where am i now?**

**CC: In the future! Duh. **

**GG: so what is going on?**

**GG: i dont think i am asleep...**

**GG: i am not on prospit**

**CC: Yes, you are asleep. But your dream self died, just like mine, remember? **

**GG: oh...**

**GG: vaguely**

**CC: Now you don't dream about Prospit. You have normal dreams! **

**GG: so this is a dream?**

**CC: It is a dream, and a memory. It is the past, brought back to life by a witch! It's all those things. **

**CC: Although we are getting off the script here! **

**CC: This is not how the conversation originally went, obviously. **

**CC: You were a lot less patient with me! When I was just trying to ENCOURAGE you. **

**GG: sorry**

**GG: i think**

**GG: i am in the game now, right?**

**CC: Sure! **

**CC: Hey, why don't you tell me about this cool robot bunny you we're making? **

**CC: I've been pretty glubbing curious about it! **

**CC: Mind if I take a look? **

**GG: um**

Suddenly, Feferi appeared in Jade's room and sat on her bed. The troll girl hugged the bunny excitedly.

**CC: It's great!**

**CC: Wish I could make something like this. Never had the gills for technology.**

**CC: Hard to work with under water!**

**GG: why are you here!**

**GG: are you asleep too?**

**CC: Nope!**

**CC: I woke up from my nap a while ago.**

**CC: Remember how I woke up and then messaged you? You had just had a bad dream!**

**CC: And I told you there was nothing to be scared of.**

**CC: Which there isn't!**

**GG: oh yeah**

**GG: i do remember that**

**GG: then why are you here now?**

Feferi looked up, her eyes a pure white. There was nothing there. She smiled grimly.

**CC: Because, stupid.**

**CC: I'M D-EAD!**

Jade woke up in a sweat… or whatever the opposite of sweat was? Whatever it was, it was ridiculously cold where she was. She had to stop falling asleep.

She de-bedded, climbing over the side of it, and fell into the snow below. The snow was quite deep. She looked up and saw the bed floating above her, a greenish glow about it, probably because Becsprite had frozen it in midair.

Jade would have liked to report to John, but it seemed she'd misplaced her laptop! That was right. It had been in the atrium when she'd gotten slapped with a blindfold and all hell had broken loose. She hoped it was okay! It'd been her favorite computer _and_ her favorite lunchtop.

She began to trudge through the waist-deep snow when she thought she saw some sort of greenish light behind her. "Huh?" she said, spinning on her heels. There was nothing there. Someone was messing with her. It was a good thing Grandpa had taught her never to leave home without her rifle, even by accident.

Suddenly, a uranium imp appeared in front of her, glowing with green first guardian power.

**STRIFE!**

She raised her gun and aggrieved the imp. The underling shifted dimensions and they were suddenly standing in the LOFAF forest. Once the bullet was out of the way, the imp reappeared and Jade aggrieved it again.

And they were standing on the LOFAF volcano. Another aggrievance.

They were outside the forest this time. Another aggrievance.

They were on LOHAC, surrounded by nakking crocodiles, holding up boonbucks and betting on grist types.

LOWAS, surrounded by some kind of cyclone. Jade shielded her eyes and shot again.

LOLAR, on Rose's house, next to the Alchemiter on the roof. It had been moved to a different portion of the roof so that Dave could build on top of her house. Again Jade shot at the imp.

Again and she was on LOHAC, in some sort of temple. One of the Daves slept on a pile of suitarangs. The uranium imp hopped onto a block of amber with some sort of weird dead plush thingy inside. Jade shuddered. The Dave woke up as she fired again.

They were back on LOFAF, next to a temple completely destroyed by trees, which grew out of it at haphazard angles. Another shot.

They were on LOLAR again, this time in Rose's room. A bearded turtle and a salamander wearing a black cowl stood near Rose's crystal ball. She shot again.

They were on LOWAS, on John's balcony. She looked up at the towering house and could not see the top.

One more shot and they were in John's bedroom. It appeared that there was another uranium imp here. When they arrived, another two imps did as well. It was apparent whether they were duplicates of the two original imps or just another two come to see the fight. She shot at the imp she had been shooting at and were back on LOFAF again.

One of the Daves stood not too far off and turned when he saw Jade and the imp arrive. Behind him was a statue of a giant winged snake. Dave watched as another shot was made and the girl and the underling disappeared.

Jade arrived where she'd started on LOFAF. There was a crackling sound and green first guardian energy and Jade noticed that Becsprite was floating nearby. Becsprite created an explosion, obliterating the imp and leaving some grist for the girl.

"Good dog," she said happily. "Best friend!"

Jade hopped off the lowly greentike rung on the echeladder and secured her position on the somewhat respectable kiddo eclipse rung. She had a lot of climbing ahead of her.

**JADE: thanks bec, good boy!**

**JADE: soooooo...**

**JADE: can you talk now?**

**JADE: what do you have to say?**

**BECSPRITE:**

*SSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

Jade gulped. She would try to keep conversations with Becsprite to a minimum from now on.

Greetings. Oh hello there. You have extraordinarily bad timing, you know. Jade's guardian will not be pleased with your intrusion.

Don't I know you? Yes, you do. You might want to step away from the computer.

Somewhere we've already seen, the Peregrine Mendicant stepped back as her console began to crackle with green and white energy. And then the entire capsule she'd been in exploded.

Much later, PM held the crown that WQ had given her carefully. She had no idea how to rule. What orders could there possibly be to give anyway? All she wanted to do was deliver mail. She did not want to be the stupid queen. And she did not want to wear this stupid mailbox crown. She tossed it to the floor. This was stupid.

WQ approached PM. Her new ruler seemed upset, she thought. She understood, having been the White Queen once, that it was not easy being in a position of authority. She politely informed PM that as the queen she was under no obligation to wear a crown. It was her decision. PM should understand that a queen was the sum of all her decisions, not her fashion accessories. And no queen made decisions alone. All wise rulers surrounded themselves with trusted advisors. The new queen should understand that she had friends to help.

PM appointed the Questant as a royal advisor, making her first decision as the new Prospitian Monarch. She affixed a stamp from the letter addressed to Dr. David Brinner to the Questant's Exile rags. It had a symbol of a white sun in front of a blue background on it, like the symbol on Jade's bedsheets.

Oh, and speaking of Jade...


	96. Book 7 Chapter 2: Another Server Player

Chapter 2: Another Server Player

Jade Harley returned to the grand foyer, which was a bit less cluttered than she'd remembered it being.

**JADE: what happened in here?**

**JADE: where is everything? all the globes and houseguests...**

**JADE: and the cruxtruder?**

**JADE: and grandpa?**

**JADE: bec, what did you do!**

**JADE: has someone been a bad dog?**

**JADE: wait never mind, please dont answer that!**

**JADE: _ **

She went upstairs again to find her beautiful atrium in ruins. And to make things worse, the Lathe and the Alchemiter had been destroyed in the explosion as well. On the bright side, it looked like her lunchtop had remained undamaged. She walked over to it immediately and brushed some of the snow off the top.

Behind one of the tables in the atrium, a mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal. It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

Jade had been dying to get back to her computer so she could touch base with John again. He'd probably been going crazy wondering about her. But it seemed someone else was messaging her right now. She hopped onto the broken Totem Lathe and answered Dave.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**TG: hey**

**TG: welcome to the medium finally i guess**

**GG: hey!**

**GG: last time i talked to you i was asking for help and you were just nakking at me**

**GG: what was up with that bro?**

**TG: ok i dont know what youre talking about it was probably just some horrorterror chirping at you during one of your nap bubble mindfucks**

**TG: its not the point i just wanted to say**

**TG: i just saw you**

**GG: you did?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: you appeared for a second**

**TG: shooting at an imp**

**TG: then you disappeared**

**GG: ohhhhhhh**

**GG: yes, i did get around during that battle didnt i?**

**GG: it was really intense!**

**GG: those stupid things are impossible to kill :(**

**TG: no you can kill them**

**TG: youll get better dont worry**

**GG: in the heat of the fray i didnt notice you!**

**GG: where were you?**

**TG: three places**

**TG: i remember seeing you twice before in different locations**

**TG: but at the moment im standing in the middle of this snowy goddamn field freezing my shit off**

**TG: just wanted to see if you were cool**

**GG: yeah im fine, thanks for asking!**

**GG: what do you mean you remember seeing me?**

**GG: was i jumping through time or something?**

**TG: no i was**

**TG: this is future me**

**TG: one of the future mes that is**

**GG: youre from the future?**

**TG: yeah jade thats what future me means**

**GG: :p**

**GG: john told me you have been doing some time traveling**

**TG: yeah**

**GG: that is...**

**GG: really really awesome!**

**TG: its ok**

**TG: hey its pretty fucking cold**

**GG: i knoooooow**

**GG: it is a really neat place but its freeeeezing :o**

**TG: so im gonna go some place warm be back in a while later**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **ceased pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**GG: wait!**

**GG: dave!**

**GG: uuugh stupid lousy cool dudes**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**TG: ok im back**

**TG: an hour later**

**GG: an hour?**

**TG: an hour for me**

**TG: a second for you**

**TG: i ran around for an hour got my ass some place warm**

**TG: went back in time**

**TG: picked up where we left off**

**GG: :O**

**GG: i can not believe how cool that is**

**GG: this is me believing neither that, nor its coolness :O**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: i guess im sorta used to it by now i dont think of hours going by the same way anymore**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: they are my hours but not everyone elses theyre kind of like private hours all to myself**

**TG: while everyone else is sort of in slow motion stuck in the thick of the alpha**

**GG: hmmmm...**

**GG: i dont know if i get that but ok!**

**TG: well yeah**

**TG: my thing is time yours is space**

**TG: pretty different things**

**TG: you GET things about space i dont**

**TG: or you will**

**GG: i will?**

**TG: yup**

**GG: ok...**

**GG: but anyway youre right, its coooold!**

**GG: i have to go back inside**

**GG: i wish i had winter clothes**

**GG: and if i did, i ALSO wish that my wardrobifier didnt blow up with all of my beautiful clothes inside it :C**

**GG: im so horribly unprepared for this... i have never even seen snow before, can you believe that!**

**TG: pretty believable since you lived on guam or wherever the fuck**

**TG: and also inside an active volcano**

**GG: derp yes dave that is so where i lived**

**GG: that is as biographically accurate as it gets about me!**

**TG: well ive never seen it either now that i think about it**

**GG: no?**

**TG: no**

**GG: isnt it great?**

**TG: nah**

**TG: lavas better**

**GG: lava is NOT better than snow :|**

**TG: yeah it is lava and skeletal skyscrapers all melting and shit how is that not way cooler than**

**TG: snow and**

**TG: like**

**TG: more snow**

**GG: you cant play in lava, its no fun**

**GG: you can only die in lava**

**TG: snows a big chilly carpet of nobody gives a shit**

**TG: like old man winter spread around his nasty mayonnaise and turned the landscape into his personal asshole sandwich**

**GG: eww dave no**

**TG: when i look around all i see is the miles of unharnessed snowmen im just too damn cool to build**

**GG: no this is so lame**

**GG: i am hearing an insane and stupid guy say stupid idiot things while wearing dumb sunglasses for lame morons!**

**TG: whoa jade with the fucking haymaker**

**TG: i need to go look for my teeth on the canvas as soon as shit stops spinning and there stops being like ten of you**

**GG: heheheh**

**GG: why dont we play in the snow later**

**GG: as soon as you get some...**

**TG: time**

**GG: ...**

**TG: time**

**GG: ...**

**TG: time then shades**

**GG: ...**

**TG: time**

**GG: ...**

**TG: time/shades lets go**

**GG: ...**

**GG: ...**

**GG: ...**

**TG: oh my fucking god**

**GG: ..**

**GG: .**

**GG: time 8)**

**TG: im not gonna play in the snow**

**TG: maybe you missed those credentials i flashed which clearly stated me being too cool for that**

**TG: like federally too cool**

**TG: my coolness is named after a dead president plus his middle initial to make it sound extra legit**

**GG: i know youre joking around, you are not too cool at all, you dont even think that**

**TG: ok**

**GG: brrrrrr**

**TG: i thought you were going inside**

**GG: i forgot :\**

**TG: well at least make some damn clothes**

**TG: something warmer why dont you alchemize some shit**

**GG: i cant!**

**GG: all that stuff blew up**

**TG: blew up**

**GG: its a long story that involves a pinata and a gun and a very naughty doggie**

**TG: i completely understand everything about that practically entirely**

**GG: so anyway, that reminds me ive got to talk to john!**

**GG: ive got to get him to make me some new gizmos...**

**GG: assuming thats even possible**

**TG: no dont bother john**

**TG: hes on like his fuckin**

**TG: wind mission or whatever**

**TG: getting all his ridiculous magic cyclone powers on and realizing his huge blowy destiny**

**TG: as the chump of shoosh**

**GG: john has magic cyclone powers?**

**TG: almost**

**GG: whoa...**

**GG: you guys are all so much better than me, i feel sooooo lame**

**TG: we all start out somewhere**

**TG: remember how i was scrambling up that tower to get that egg like an idiot**

**TG: what the hell was i doing**

**TG: i was like goddamn pooh bear in a tree reaching up his fat fuckin pooh paw for some mother fuckin honey**

**GG: heehee**

**TG: so even though im awesome now at one point i was plausibly likened to an autistic stuffed animal**

**TG: and you even knew what to do**

**TG: you told me how it worked all christopher robinning my ignorant ass about that egg**

**TG: but i was all like IM A LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD BITCH WATCH ME CLIMB**

**TG: so maybe youre startin out with more sense than me**

**GG: maaaybe**

**GG: :)**

**TG: in any case egbert lost his computer and game disc**

**TG: so he cant do anything for you anyways**

**GG: oh no**

**GG: did he lose it in a magic cyclone?**

**TG: probably some shit like thats what happened**

**TG: but youre not completely screwed**

**TG: we just have to think outside the box here**

**GG: we do?**

**TG: yeah honestly i figured wed have to do something like this**

**TG: so i guess here we are doing it**

**GG: doing what?**

**TG: well youre my server player remember**

**GG: yes**

**TG: i need you to deploy something first**

**TG: in my apartment**

**TG: in a few hours ill go back there and we can continue this**

**GG: oh jeez, a few hours?**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **ceased pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**TG: yeah**

**TG: as in a few seconds**

**TG: im back at my place now**

**GG: fastest hours :o**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: now**

**TG: deploy the intellibeam laserstation**

**GG: but that costs so much grist!**

**TG: no it costs practically nothing**

**TG: check out how much ive got**

**GG: omg…**

Jade placed the Laserstation on one of Dave's low shelves, next to his turntables.

**GG: what does this thing do?**

**TG: its mostly pretty stupid and useless**

**TG: but itll come in handy here**

**TG: it reads captcha codes**

**GG: on the back of cards?**

**TG: yeah**

**GG: but**

**GG: we can already read those!**

**TG: some are too garbled and complicated**

**TG: the human eye cant decipher them**

**TG: needs sophisticated scanning technology**

**TG: and artificial intelligence to figure it out**

**GG: hmm**

**GG: but isnt the whole point of captchas that only humans can read them?**

**GG: and not robots?**

**TG: yeah well**

**TG: thats why this is so dumb**

Dave ejected the SBURB disc from his computer and captchalogued it.

**TG: i guess some captchas are so incomprehensible cause the game thinks it would be too cheap to let you duplicate them**

**TG: like an anti piracy measure**

**TG: so the solution to the anti piracy measure is to override the anti spam measure**

**GG: anti spam?**

**TG: well yeah thats what captchas are for**

**TG: and theyre on the back of cards for a really good reason**

**TG: cause god knows the last thing youd want was some web bot being able to figure out the code for like**

**TG: a potted plant**

**TG: that would be fucking mayhem**

**GG: yeah obviously!**

**TG: but in order to effectively cheat here weve got to open pandoras spam box**

**TG: and release the laserstation into the world with its leering intellibeam**

**TG: now no captcha is safe youll have bots signing up for email accounts and duplicating potted plants and shit**

**GG: oh nooo**

**TG: basically robots are in control now**

**TG: which is good news and bad news**

**TG: the bad news is theyre all pornbots and theyve got LOADS of provocative material theyre just dying to share with us**

**GG: whats the good news?**

**TG: thats also the good news**

**GG: dave i still dont know what youre actually doing here**

**TG: whats it look like**

**TG: im duplicating my server disc**


	97. Book 7 Chapter 3: Dying Horrorterrors

Chapter 3: Dying Horrorterrors

Dave scanned the server disc with the Laserstation.

**GG: oh...**

**GG: to give it to john?**

**TG: nah i told you were not bothering john**

**TG: hes got shit to do**

**TG: ill just install it**

**GG: but...**

**GG: you are already roses server player!**

**GG: and john is mine!**

**GG: not to mention im yours!**

**GG: can you really be a server player to your own server player?**

**TG: dont see why not**

**TG: we have to get creative here**

**TG: this games already so far off the rails what else is there to do but improvise**

**GG: but i guess**

**GG: i thought that john sort of...**

**GG: HAD to be my server? you know?**

**TG: well he was**

**TG: he got you in didnt he**

**TG: but now hes not**

**TG: been a change of plans**

**TG: time to roll with it**

**GG: well youre from the future right?**

**GG: dont you know already if itll work?**

**TG: yeah more or less **

**TG: i never really studied how it went down all that closely **

**TG: i just figured when the time came to sort it out the right thing to do would be obvious **

**TG: like it is now **

**TG: managing the loops is a balance of careful planning and just rolling with your in the moment decisions **

**TG: and trusting they were the ones you were always supposed to make **

**TG: by now im pretty used to having my intuition woven into the fabric of the alpha timeline **

**GG: pretty smooth dave**

**TG: yeah i know **

**GG: shades for everybody**

**GG: 8) 8)**

Dave read the code and typed it into the built-in Designix. The Alchemiter produced another server disc, which he picked up quickly.

**TG: thisll be the disc i use for your connection**

**TG: while the original will stay bound to roses connection**

**GG: so you will be the server for BOTH us ladies?**

**GG: you just keep getting smoother, i cant handle all this smoothness**

**TG: well technically**

**TG: i will be your server**

**TG: and past me will stay as roses server**

**TG: which is to say present me will**

**TG: the one in the black suit**

**GG: ohh...**

**GG: i guess that makes sense**

**TG: he can keep managing her for a while**

**TG: until she sorta checks out soon and becomes totally useless**

**TG: then he can start hopping around time like i did**

**TG: make a ton of money and stuff**

**TG: eventually become me**

**TG: and become your server player**

**GG: ok i think i understand that!**

**TG: yeah see its not hard to get the hang of**

**TG: in the meantime ill kind of loiter around this timeframe to help you out for a while**

**GG: yessss thanks dave 3**

**GG: um**

**GG: what do you mean rose will check out? :\**

**TG: dont worry about it just some more future stuff**

**TG: now i need you to go downstairs**

**GG: uhhhh ok**

Jade jumped to the bottom level via the Transportalizer. She had not been able to before because of the grotesque monster his grandfather had stuffed.

**TG: im just going to cut right to the chase and upgrade your alchemiter so you can avoid a lot of bullshit**

**TG: ill give you some codes and you can punch cards and slip em into jumper blocks**

**TG: which are really the exact same codes you first gave me when we upgraded my alchemiter**

**TG: which seems like a hella long time ago**

**GG: it does doesnt it**

**TG: yeah but it kind of literally is for me**

**GG: how long?**

**TG: few days i guess**

**GG: ok thats not THAT long :p**

**TG: whatever**

Dave deployed the Alchemiter and they went through the motions of upgrading it. Jade stood on top of the machine and clapped her hands.

**GG: yaaaaaaaaaaaay!**

Oh god! She had to hurry up and alchemize stuff. Go go go!

Hey, calm down, Jade! Just because it's snowing outside doesn't mean it's Christmas just yet. There are still plenty of things to do before we bother with that nonsense. Take a deep breath, put your captchalogue cards down, and relax.

Past Dave in the black suit sat up as Jade fired her rifle a foot and a half from his eardrum. She disappeared before he could say anything.

The boy looked around the temple and saw one of his idiot consorts swinging his Sord back and forth and nakking it up with his iShades. Someone was pestering Dave directly into the crocodile's brainless reptilian face.

He stood from the suitarangs and pulled his shades from the crocodile. "Step off," he said. He decided that the consort could keep the Sord though.

As Dave got back to Rose he looked past the crocodile and saw hundreds of giant pieces of grist.

**\- tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**TT: Hi there.**

**TG: nak nak nak**

**TT: Don't mind me.**

**TT: I'm just waiting for that guy on the pile of sharp objects to wake up.**

**TG: THE GLASSES ARE TALKING AGAIN**

**TG: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak**

**TT: If you don't stop nakking, I will turn you into a thorn bush.**

**TG: :V**

**TG: :(**

**TG: hey**

**TG: what just happened**

**TT: You fell asleep.**

**TT: Orange Bird Dave killed some monsters and flew away.**

**TT: Jade fired a bullet at an imp and vanished.**

**TT: And you woke up.**

**TG: oh yeah **

**TG: so shes here then **

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: is she ok what was going on there **

**TT: Yes, she's fine.**

**TG: i guess i should catch up with her **

**TT: You already are.**

**TG: i am **

**TT: Future you is.**

**TG: oh ok time travels involved **

**TG: thats all you needed to say everythings cool and under control then **

**TT: How was the nap?**

**TG: weird **

**TG: and kind of boring **

**TG: i was in your dream room for a while spying on you **

**TG: being all creepy and dream duplicitous and shit **

**TT: It's ok.**

**TT: I was being similarly wake duplicitous.**

**TG: whats with your book collection **

**TG: or **

**TG: dream book collection **

**TG: all your books are bizarre and terrible **

**TT: No, my books are great.**

**TT: I can recommend some good titles for the next time you're asleep.**

**TG: nah **

**TG: but yeah i understand defending your collection i guess if you were in my dream room and talking shit about my awesome dream portraits of dream stiller and dream snoop or whatever wed have to have a fucking talk **

**TT: Did you do anything on the moon besides rifle through my belongings?**

**TT: Such as remove your shades and turn your gaze Ringward, by any chance?**

**TG: oh **

**TG: yeah **

**TG: i did **

**TT: What did you see?**

**TG: horrible things **

**TT: Horribleterrible?**

**TG: yeah **

**TG: it was like **

**TG: peering through the dark portal of an eldritch red lobster **

**TG: and scoping out its all you can eat seafood buffet **

**TG: and **

**TG: when i saw them **

**TG: their voices became clearer **

**TT: What were they saying?**

**TG: i couldnt really focus on anything specific **

**TG: but **

**TG: in totality **

**TG: im pretty sure it was **

**TG: like **

**TT: ?**

**TG: a plea for help**

**TT: That's good.**

**TG: no it was disturbing **

**TG: so i slapped my shades back on **

**TG: went and perved up some sleeping girls room to take my mind of it **

**TT: It means they're reaching out to you.**

**TG: oh god why would i want that **

**TG: im not about to get molested by calamari with fucking teeth **

**TG: use your powers and like **

**TG: stroke a mummys paw or some horseshit and open a dark channel **

**TG: tell them to keep their lecherous flagella to themselves **

**TT: You're going to have to help them.**

**TT: Even if you don't like them.**

**TT: They're being massacred.**

**TT: Presently, already, and still to come.**

**TG: whats that mean **

**TT: It means time doesn't work rationally out there.**

**TT: Nor does space.**

**TT: But that doesn't change the reality of the threat.**

**TG: who cares if theyre getting killed **

**TG: theyre hideous and obnoxious **

**TT: You're underestimating the nature of the threat.**

**TT: At this point, the threat isn't to our session, or any given universe.**

**TT: It's to the perpetuation of reality itself.**

**TT: You wouldn't be saving them, per se.**

**TT: You'd be saving everything.**

**TG: oh ok cool**

**TT: They've revealed some of their secrets to me already, and given me a few errands to run.**

**TT: This is why you might have observed some unusual behavior from me.**

**TG: oh shit youre kidding **

**TG: no really are you serious i didnt even notice **

**TG: fuck mind = blown **

**TT: Once these convulsions of explosive laughter subside and finish rocking my very foundation,**

**TT: I might point out that you haven't really been as astute as you're implying.**

**TT: You've deliberately fogged your vision your entire life with ironic eyewear while awake, and while asleep, though perfectly alert, you've chosen to ignore your surroundings.**

**TT: But now that you've seen them, you have a choice to make.**

**TG: ok **

**TT: They will only tell me so much.**

**TT: They would like an audience with the prince of the moon as well.**

**TT: We are like the emissaries to what lies beyond this small bubble in their unfathomable dark foam.**

**TT: Derse skirts its edge, and during the lunar eclipse, we graze it, and that's when their intent for us becomes clear.**

**TT: I'm doing my part, but they have a mission for you as well.**

**TG: what am i supposed to do **

**TT: Listen to them.**

**TT: My understanding is,**

**TT: They will teach you how to navigate the unnavigable.**

**TT: The result should be a map.**

**TG: like **

**TG: a treasure map **

**TT: No.**

**TT: Something a little more astronomical.**

**TT: Like a star chart with no stars.**

**TT: Hence the challenge.**

**TG: why **

**TT: To plot a course through the Furthest Ring.**

**TG: plot a course to what**

**TT: The power source of the first guardians.**

**TG: oh right the green sun ok **

**TG: wait sorry **

**TG: i mean the ****Green Sun ****my bad **

**TT: Yes, that's much better.**

**TG: whats the deal with this thing **

**TG: i mean aside from giving jades dog his devil powers **

**TG: and by extension i guess jack **

**TT: What's the deal with it?**

**TG: yeah **

**TT: I don't know that there is a deal with it.**

**TT: Beyond the deal you just described.**

**TT: It is what it sounds like.**

**TT: A huge sun out in the literal middle of nowhere, and it is bright green.**

**TT: It is simply,**

**TT: The ****Green Sun****.**

**TG: how big **

**TG: i need a sense of scale here **

**TG: is it like the size of our sun **

**TG: or bigger **

**TG: or is it only as big as like **

**TG: planet fucking jupiter **

**TT: It is nearly twice the mass of our universe.**

**TG: ok thats pretty fucking big **

**TG: see how important that contextualization was now i know how fucking impressed i should be **

**TG: i mean hopy shit thats huge **

**TT: Happy I could help.**

**TG: so ok i make a map to this thing **

**TG: with the help of a million rambunctious gross tentacle mutants**

**TG: and then i guess we go there for some reason **

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: why do we need a map **

**TG: cant they just **

**TG: tell us what direction its in **

**TG: point a spaceship that way **

**TG: blast off to adventure **

**TT: No.**

**TT: The geometry of the Furthest Ring is too complex.**

**TT: Remember, its spacetime is labyrinthine.**

**TT: In fact, it's not really accurate to call it spacetime at all.**

**TT: Since it is outside the domain of any created universe, where those properties have become instantiated and stabilized.**

**TG: i can kind of get that time is messed up there **

**TG: with like loops and causality paradoxes and shit like that **

**TG: being the knight of time here **

**TG: not really sure why navigating the space would be a problem though **

**TG: space isnt my thing remember **

**TG: what is it like **

**TG: full of wormholes or something **

**TT: It depends.**

**TT: The greater the distance you travel through it, the less reliably time flows.**

**TT: And the more time you spend in it, the less reliably space behaves.**

**TT: Time and space aren't as different as you might think.**

**TG: i thought you werent supposed to know shit about either **

**TG: seeing as youre the seer whatever that means **

**TT: I think it means I'm supposed to know shit about the big picture.**

**TT: Which includes tidbits like that.**

**TT: But the insides of my shoes stay free from the grit of the minutia.**

**TG: fair enough **

**TG: so i take my map and fly to this thing **

**TT: No, I do.**

**TG: ok you fly to it **

**TG: then what **

**TT: That depends on if John is successful.**

**TG: you mean with the quest youre sending him on**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: is there anything you do thats not sending dudes on quests**

**TT: Nothing whatsoever.**

**TG: so hes got to get the cancer out of skaia right**

**TT: Yes, ****The Tumor****.**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: so whats ****The Tumor ****do**

**TG: i mean the tumor**

**TG: jesus can we stop with the fancy colored text bullshit**

**TT: I guess so.**

**TT: I thought it was more fun that way.**

**TG: well ok you can keep doing it then**

**TT: Thanks.**

**TT: blackThe Tumor/black is quite a large growth at the center of the battlefield.**

**TT: He won't be able to remove it without fully realizing his abilities.**

**TG: ok cool what is it**

**TT: Can you promise you won't tell him?**

**TT: It would probably make him more nervous than he needs to be if he knew.**

**TG: ok i wont say anything**

**TG: just tell me**

**TT: It's a bomb.**


	98. Book 7 Chapter 4: Fairy God Trolls

Chapter 4: Fairy God Trolls

**TT: ****The Tumor** **is set to detonate precisely when the reckoning ends.**

**TT: This is how long we have to put this plan into motion.**

**TG: what the hell is a bomb doing in there**

**TT: It could be a feature of any session not meant to bear fruit.**

**TT: A means to wipe out a null session rather than leaving it lingering in paradox space for eternity.**

**TT: Or it could be a mutation specific to our session.**

**TT: I really don't know.**

**TG: first time for everything i guess**

**TG: seriously whered you get all this info**

**TG: did you get it all from the gods**

**TG: are these just a bunch of orders youre following**

**TT: Not exactly.**

**TT: They've urged me in certain directions and guided my exploration.**

**TT: I've obtained some answers from them, but ultimately, this idea is mine.**

**TT: Plus, I have other sources.**

**TT: One in particular has been quite illuminating.**

**TG: what**

**TT: I've been referring to him as an informant, when people ask.**

**TT: Which isn't often.**

**TG: what you mean a troll**

**TT: No.**

**TT: It's a man who exists in another universe.**

**TT: He wants to die.**

**TG: sounds like a really credible dude sign me up for trusting everything he says**

**TT: Only as credible as the omniscient tend to be.**

**TG: oh so he knows everything**

**TT: Yeah, I think that's what omniscient means.**

**TT: But maybe I'll ask him about that, since he's the omniscient one.**

**TG: even if he is omniscient which he probably isnt what if hes just lying**

**TT: He says he doesn't lie.**

**TT: For some reason, I believe him about that.**

**TT: He's a convincing fellow.**

**TG: whys he want to die**

**TT: He no longer has a purpose now that he's done everything required to summon his master.**

**TT: As a first guardian, he's completely indestructible.**

**TT: Well, almost completely.**

**TG: wait**

**TG: what**

**TT: His power is derived from the same source as Earth's guardian.**

**TT: And conveniently, that of our nemesis as well.**

**TG: ok i get it now**

**TT: When John delivers the tumor,**

**TT: And I do mean ****The Tumor****,**

**TT: I and I alone will navigate the Furthest Ring.**

**TT: And I will destroy the sun.**

**TT: By which I do mean the ****GREEN MOTHER FUCKING SUN****.**

**TT: And in case it wasn't clear,**

**TT: I won't be coming back.**

**TG: whoa fuck**

**TG: a suicide mission are you serious**

**TG: no bullshit thats not happening**

**TG: hey look suddenly everything we just talked about was useless because its time to make a plan that doesnt fucking suck**

**TT: Let's not be so dramatic.**

**TT: I was talking about my dream self.**

**TT: She's the one who won't be returning.**

**TG: oh**

**TG: haha yeah thats fine i guess**

**TG: those fuckers are all kinds of mad expendable**

**TG: way to leave me hanging there**

**TG: for someone whos saying lets cool it on the drama the whole i wont be coming back thing is a pretty theatrical bombshell**

**TG: for future reference**

**TT: That's true.**

**TT: Your outburst was pretty sweet though.**

**TG: yeah i know**

**TG: so when do i do my thing**

**TG: make this map**

**TG: which i guess is just like**

**TG: a solid black piece of paper**

**TG: this is going to be fucking stupid isnt it**

**TT: If there's one thing you have more than any of us, it's time.**

**TT: So, whenever you like.**

**TT: As long as conventionally speaking, it's quite soon.**

**TG: alright**

**TG: so**

**TG: dog it as long as possible**

**TG: then travel back to about now and go to sleep**

**TT: Sure.**

**TT: And if you have trouble going to sleep, maybe you can ask your patron troll to trick the telepathic one into putting you to sleep again.**

**TG: what**

**TT: Each of us seems to have a troll infatuated with helping us. Haven't you noticed?**

**TG: no**

**TT: What about the psychopath who's currently helping you?**

**TG: oh yeah terezi**

**TG: no shes cool**

**TT: Isn't that camaraderie blossoming into some sort of interspecies whatever?**

**TG: its blossoming into an interspecies partnership in incredibly shitty cartooning**

**TG: what do you mean get her to trick someone into putting me asleep again**

**TG: when did that happen**

**TT: Just now.**

**TG: who did that**

**TT: That would be John's patron troll.**

**TG: god**

**TG: fuckin trolls**

**TG: too many of them who can even keep track of this shit**

**TG: which ones yours**

**TG: is it the absurd juggalo one that would be hilarious**

**TT: There's a juggalo one?**

**TG: yeah see what i mean**

**TT: She's contacting me now actually.**

**TG: oh ok**

**TG: well im suddenly not interested so go talk to your fairy god troll**

**TG: ill be over here paving the way for your elaborate dream suicide**

**TG: when i feel like getting around to it i mean**

**TT: Thanks.**

**TG: later**

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **ceased pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **-**

Rose answered her fairy god troll.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**GA: Since The Gap Between Your Present Moment And The Implementation Of Your Mystifying Self Destruction Continues To Narrow**

**GA: This Will Be The Last Conversation In Which I Attempt To Talk You Out Of It Nicely**

**TT: I explained this.**

**TT: The intent isn't true self sacrifice.**

**GA: First Of All Youre Underestimating The Gravity Of A Dream Death**

**GA: Its A Pretty Serious Thing Okay**

**GA: And Dream Selves Are Important To A Person In Ways That Arent Always Obvious**

**GA: I Think Youre Being Frivolous But Thats Not Really The Sentiment Reinforcing The Exoskeleton Of My Argument**

**GA: Soon You Will Be Blacked Out Of Trollians Viewport**

**GA: And I Have No Explanation For This**

**GA: And Neither Do You**

**GA: So Ill Just Assume The Worst And You Should Too**

**TT: Are you sure it's not because I'm sleeping?**

**GA: Ive Seen You Sleep Before**

**GA: You Are Just**

**GA: Asleep**

**GA: On Screen**

**GA: Peaceful And Harmless And Posing No Threat To Anyone**

**GA: Unless I Guess You Are Up To Mischief In Your Dreams Which I Cannot Rule Out**

**GA: Actually Thats Probably What You Do In Your Sleep What Was I Thinking**

**TT: Shh...**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: What**

**TT: Blah blah blah!**

**GA: Right Sorry**

**GA: Im Saying This Is A Special Case**

**GA: It Is Foreboding And Disconcerting And You Are Being Reckless**

**TT: You're right, I can't explain why I go dark on your monitor.**

**TT: But I'm confident in my plan. I have it under control.**

**GA: Your Hubris Is Really Astonishing**

**GA: Easily Twice The Mass Of A Universe I Think**

**GA: That It Hasnt Collapsed Upon Itself Into A Tiny Lavender Singularity Is The Most Striking Marvel Paradox Space Has Coughed Up Yet**

**TT: Maybe it did?**

**TT: Maybe that's what went wrong.**

**TT: We figured it out!**

**GA: No Please Stop**

**GA: Humor Wont Deflect My Really Big And Important Tirade Okay**

**GA: You Are Investing Too Much Confidence In Evil Gods Who Oppose Skaia And Your True Purpose And**

**GA: I Cant Abide That**

**GA: And**

**GA: As Difficult As This Is For Me To Confess**

**GA: I Think Your Plan Is Very Dangerous**

**GA: And So Are You**

**TT: Oh?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: And**

**GA: Im Afraid I Am Going To Have To Devote All My Efforts To Stopping You**

**TT: I'm sorry to hear that, Kanaya.**

**TT: What did you have in mind for this new and exciting adversarial phase of our relationship?**

**GA: Im So Glad You Asked**

**GA: You See**

**GA: I Have Been Training A Powerful Wizard**

**TT: !**

In a laboratory in the Veil, Kanaya and Eridan stood in a room full of Alchemiters. The one nearest them had a magical wand on it that used white magic instead of dark magic.

**GA: Yes Your Shout Pole Is Like A Tower Broadcasting Your Fear Across The Ring And You Are Right To Be Afraid**

**GA: I Have Commissioned None Other Than The Legendary Prince Of Hope And I Am Teaching Him The Ways Of White Sorcery**

**GA: I Have Observed Your Methods And You Will Come To The Most Unwelcome Realization That All Of Your Guile And Cunning Has Finally Backfired**

**GA: This Noble Magician Of Pure Light Will Serve As The Counterpoint To Your Arcane Debauchery**

**GA: He Will Hunt You Down And Goodness And Hope Will Prevail**

**TT: Is it too late to throw myself at your mercy?**

**GA: Yes Its Much Too Late For That**

Eridan picked up the magic wand and the room was suddenly filled with color and light.

**TT: I see.**

**TT: Then clearly I will have to prepare for this soul sundering duel, whilst making my own funeral arrangements.**

**GA: Oh Yes I Do Believe Securing A Corpse Box Would Be Prudent**

**GA: Fitted To Dimensions Suited To Your Myriad Of Unassembled Leaky Body Parts In Aggregate**

**TT: What will herald the arrival of this swift and righteous thaumaturge?**

**TT: Will I be blinded by the fearsome lashes of light ribboning from the incandescent coastline of his beauteous aura?**

**TT: Should I borrow my friend's sunglasses?**

**GA: Yes Definitely**

**GA: Definitely Do That**

**GA: Wait I Hope That Wasnt Too Emphatic**

**GA: Maybe At This Point I Should Clarify This Is All A Big Joke**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: I was getting that.**

**TT: You don't always have to tip your hand, Kanaya. You were doing well.**

**GA: I Was**

**TT: Mm-hm.**

**GA: Okay Great**

**GA: I Think What I Find Most Challenging About Human Insincerity Based Humor Is The Degree Of Commitment To The Fantasy Which Is Apparently Requisite**

**TT: We take it very seriously.**

**GA: I Mean To Say**

**GA: The Gesture Of Hostility In This Case Was The Joke**

**GA: I Did In Fact "Train" This Character**

**GA: I Made Him A Wand To Shut Him Up**

**TT: Wait, you did? Really?**

**GA: He Wouldnt Stop Harassing Me For Your "Secrets"**

**TT: That's incredible. Well done.**

**GA: Hes The One With The Royalty Complex And Speaks With All The Extra Vees And Doubleyous**

**TT: Oh, I knew exactly who you were talking about from the start.**

**GA: Okay**

**TT: I must say, this little project pleases me.**

**TT: Do keep me apprised of all further developments.**

**GA: Okay I Will**

**TT: At least until my looming grimdarkdeath steals me away.**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: Yeah That**

**GA: Is Still Something That I Dont Really Want To Joke About**

**GA: I Hope That Came Across As A Sincere Statement**

Jade sat on her Alchemiter with her drawing tablet in one hand and a pen in the other for drawing on it. Suddenly, there was a beep from her computer. She answered her fairy god troll.

**\- adiosToreador ** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**AT: hEEEY, jADE,**

**GG: oh hi!**

**GG: i remember you, you talked to me a lot in my dreams**

**AT: yEAH, bUT NOW i'M TALKING TO YOU BEING AWAKE,**

**AT: bECAUSE,**

**AT: yOUR ROBOT CAN'T TYPE,**

**AT: bECAUSE IT HAD AN EXPLOSION,**

**GG: yup!**

**GG: thats because my dream self died**

**GG: pretty catastrophically!**

**AT: aW, nO, i'M DEFINITELY PRETTY SORRY TO HEAR THAT,**

**GG: thanks, but i think im ok**

**GG: i felt pretty shaken up at first though**

**AT: yES, i DID TOO,**

**AT: i SPENT SO LONG SLEEPING AND DREAMING AND PLAYING ON PROSPIT,**

**AT: tHAT BEING AWAKE WAS MADE TO FEEL WEIRD, aND i DIDN'T LIKE IT FOR A WHILE,**

**GG: yeah i have done a lot of sleeping myself :)**

**AT: oH, yES, i KNOW, bUT,**

**AT: i SAW YOU, yOU WERE AWAKE A LOT TOO,**

**AT: aFTER A CERTAIN MOMENT, i SPENT JUST ABOUT EVERY WAKING HOUR BEING ASLEEP,**

**GG: wow why did you sleep so much?**

**AT: iT WAS JUST A BETTER WAY TO BE, mORE PEACEFUL AND FUN AND,**

**AT: i GUESS,**

**AT: tHERE WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED THAT WAS INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE,**

**AT: aND SAD,**

**AT: aND MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE AND SAD AND SLEEPY, sO i SLEPT, a LOT,**

**GG: oh no what happened that was so terrible?**

**AT: i'D PREFER,**

**AT: tHAT THE THING i WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT NOT TURN INTO THAT TOPIC,**

**GG: ok sorry for prying!**

**GG: what did you want to talk about?**

**AT: i WANTED TO ASK YOU PERMISSION,**

**AT: i WOULD HAVE ASKED PERMISSION THE FIRST TIME,**

**AT: bUT AT THE TIME YOU WERE NOT ABLE TO GIVE IT, oR TALK OR ANYTHING,**

**GG: permission for what?**

**AT: tO COMMUNE WITH YOUR LUSUS,**

**GG: with bec?**

**GG: uh...**

**GG: what do you mean by commune?**

**GG: and**

**GG: what do you mean the first time!**

**GG: you did it before?**

**AT: yEAH,**

**AT: iT MEANS TO TALK TO HIM, aND, sUGGEST HE DO SOMETHING WHICH IS GOOD,**

**AT: fOR HIM, aND ALSO FOR PEOPLE HE LIKES,**

**GG: ohhh**

**GG: like a psychic power?**

**AT: yES,**

**GG: pretty sweet!**

**GG: when did you do it before?**

**AT: oH, vERY RECENTLY, pERSONALLY SPEAKING,**

**AT: bUT FOR YOU IT WAS VERY LONG AGO,**

Young Jade was out in the middle of a field, holding two pistols, one in each hand. They were both pointed at herself.

**AT: aND, iT WAS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE i THINK,**

**AT: oF EXACTLY WHY WIGGLERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DUAL WIELD FLINTLOCK PISTOLS,**

**GG: hehe what?**

**AT: sO, i DID THE LIBERTY OF COMMUNING WITH YOUR LUSUS,**

**AT: wHICH i HOPE WASN'T OUT OF LINE,**

**AT: bUT LIKE i SAID, yOU WERE UNAVAILABLE,**

**AT: uHHH,**

**AT: bY WHICH i MEAN, uNAVAILABLY SMALL,**

Jade shot one of the pistols and the bullet approached her heart, but Bec appeared, under Tavros's mind control, and teleported the bullet and guns away.

**AT: sO THEN i COMMUNED HIM TO USE HIS AMAZING POWERS, tO,**

**AT: iNTERVENE,**

**AT: aND REROUTE THE PROJECTILE AWAY FROM THE PATH THAT WOULD HAVE HARMED YOU,**

**AT: aND ALSO,**

**AT: aS A WONDERFUL BONUS AND COINCIDENCE,**

**AT: iT HAPPENED THERE WAS A FELON ON YOUR PROPERTY,**

Grandpa Harley sat at a table across from his cerulean-haired doll. They were having a tea party with tea and cake. Suddenly, a gun appeared in his wine goblet and another in a cake, and the bullet flew towards him head.

**AT: iT WAS i THINK SURELY AN AGING ROGUE WHO WAS VERY MUCH KEEN ON INTRUDING BETWEEN YOUR REALLY NICE LOOKING FAMILY,**

**AT: aND AS FORTUNE WOULD HAVE IT,**

**AT: tHE SMALL MISSILE WAS REDIRECTED INTO THE SENIOR INTERLOPER'S CHEST,**

**AT: aND HE DIED,**

**AT: }:)**


	99. Book 7 Chapter 5: Tavros's Confidence

Chapter 5: Tavros's Confidence

**GG: omg...**

**GG: that wasnt a senior interloper, im pretty sure youre talking about my grandpa!**

**AT: oH,**

**GG: and if im interpreting correctly...**

**GG: youre saying you used bec to make me shoot him?**

**GG: augh thats so awful!**

**AT: uHH,**

**AT: wHAT'S,**

**AT: a GRANDPA,**

**GG: oh boy**

**GG: ok it is basically an old man, who serves the same role as i guess a lusus does on your planet?**

**GG: he was like my dad, he took care of me!**

**AT: wHOA,**

**AT: tHAT IS A REALLY WEIRD CULTURAL THING, i GUESS,**

**GG: sigh...**

**AT: sORRY THEN,**

**AT: aBOUT,**

**AT: mY CULTURAL IGNORANCE,**

**GG: well im not blaming you or anything**

**GG: it sounds like you were just trying to help**

**GG: and you did save my life**

**GG: but...**

**GG: i mean jeeeez**

**GG: talk about a misunderstanding**

**AT: wELL,**

**AT: nOW i FEEL VERY STUPID,**

**AT: bUT,**

**AT: i DON'T THINK i WILL GIVE INTO BAD SELF ESTEEM THIS TIME ABOUT THIS,**

**AT: iT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY CONFIDENT ABOUT STUFF, DON'T YOU AGREE,**

**GG: uh**

**GG: sure?**

**AT: aND i THINK THIS IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR US TO BOND, aND BECOME CLOSER IN AN EMOTIONAL WAY,**

**AT: pROBABLY,**

**GG: ... it is?**

**AT: oH YES, sEE THE FUNNY THING IS, i ALSO KILLED MY LUSUS BY ACCIDENT,**

**AT: i MEAN, mY LUSUS THAT WAS A LITTLE FAIRY BULL, nOT AN OLD MAN WITH A HUGE GUN,**

**GG: oh nooo**

**GG: how did that happen?**

**AT: i MURDERED HIM INAPPROPRIATELY WITH A FOUR WHEEL DEVICE,**

**GG: :|**

**GG: ummm what kind of device?**

**AT: lIKE, tHE KIND BASICALLY FOR CRIPPLES TO SIT IN, aND ROLL AROUND,**

**GG: oh you mean a wheelchair!**

**AT: i GUESS, tHAT'S A WAY TO CALL IT,**

**GG: how...**

**GG: did that happen?**

**AT: wELL,**

**AT: i WAS SITTING IN IT, bEING CRIPPLED LIKE USUAL,**

**AT: aND HE GOT UNDER THE WHEEL IN HIS NAP,**

**GG: D:**

**GG: im so sorry**

**GG: um also**

**GG: i didnt realize you were paralyzed**

**GG: not that im saying sorry for that! that would be rude i think**

**GG: i am just saying sorry for your loss**

**AT: oH, iT'S OKAY, oN BOTH THINGS,**

**AT: hE CAME BACK TO LIFE FOR A WHILE, aND COULD TALK, AND THAT WAS FUN,**

**AT: aND ALSO,**

**AT: i'M NOT PARALYZED ANYMORE, }:)**

**GG: oh?**

**AT: nO, i HAVE ROBOT LEGS, aND i FEEL GREAT, aND i CAN WALK,**

**GG: wow nice!**

**AT: oH YES, iT IS TRULY NICE,**

**AT: i AM A NEW AND DIFFERENT GUY, mOSTLY,**

**AT: bEING NOT PHYSICALLY HANDICAPPED IS MOST CERTAINLY THE KEY TO HAVING HIGH SELF ESTEEM,**

**GG: um**

**GG: that...**

**GG: i dont know if i agree with that!**

**AT: oH ABSOLUTELY, tAKE IT FROM ME AS WHAT FACT IS TRUE,**

**AT: aND NOW, i FEEL EMBOLDENED TO DO BOLD THINGS THAT HEROES SHOULD DO,**

**AT: lIKE, sAVE THE LIFE OF A PRETTY GIRL, AND KILL THE FIENDISH OLD MAN, wHO,**

**AT: wHOOPS, wASN'T FIENDISH, aND YOU LOVED HIM, sORRY,**

**GG: well**

**GG: thats good i guess**

**GG: i just wish...**

**GG: maybe you'd told me what happened when i was younger?**

**GG: i spent years wondering about it!**

**GG: when i was REALLY young, i was sure the doll sitting across from him did it**

**GG: and for a long time i was terrified of the evil blue girl!**

**GG: she sort of haunted my childhood and i had trouble sleeping for a long time**

**GG: but of course i got older and realized that was silly, but then i just speculated that maybe it was suicide**

**GG: which was just a really sad thing to think about!**

**AT: wOW, yEAH,**

**AT: i,**

**AT: tOTALLY BLEW THAT THEN,**

**AT: i GUESS i COULD STILL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN YOUR PAST,**

**GG: buuuut...**

**GG: even if you do, i dont remember you doing so!**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: tHEN i GUESS I WON'T,**

**GG: er**

**GG: ok :\**

**AT: bUT YEAH, iRREGARDLESS,**

**AT: tHIS IS LIKELY TO BE EXACTLY THE KIND OF THING NOT TO STAND IN THE WAY ABOUT GOOD FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF,**

**GG: ...**

**AT: i MEAN, i SAW THAT YOUR LUSUS SAVED YOU ANYWAY, iN ADVANCE,**

**AT: aND,**

**AT: i JUST WANTED,**

**AT: tO MAKE IT POSSIBLE SO THAT i WAS THE ONE INVOLVED WITH BEING THE HERO THERE,**

**AT: tO SAVE YOU,**

**AT: lIKE, tO PUT MYSELF IN YOUR STORY, iN A BRAVE CAPACITY, bECAUSE,**

**AT: tHAT'S WHAT FEELING GOOD AND POSITIVE ABOUT YOURSELF IS ALL ABOUT,**

**GG: woooooow...**

**GG: you sound really confused to me!**

**AT: aBSOLUTELY, i AM CONFUSED LIKE A FOX, **

**AT: tHE KIND THAT HAS HIGH SELF ESTEEM, **

**GG: heheheh**

**GG: youre incredibly silly**

**GG: i cant really tell to what extent youre joking around here!**

**AT: i UNDERSTAND THAT, aND JOKES HAPPEN, yES, **

**AT: bUT FEELING GREAT ABOUT YOURSELF IS NOT A JOKING ISSUE, **

**AT: iT IS HEAVY DUTY BUSINESS, aND NEEDS TO BE GIVEN ALL THE SERIOUSNESS THAT SAD THINGS GET, **

**AT: i'VE LEARNED THAT, fROM MY FRIENDS, AND ALSO, FROM RUFIO, **

**GG: rufio?**

**AT: yES, hE'S A FAKE, **

**GG: what do you mean fake?**

**AT: a FAKE GUY i MADE UP IMAGINARILY, **

**AT: hE NEVER STOPS BEING A THING THAT'S NOT REAL, **

**GG: ohh like an imaginary friend...**

**GG: heh, ok**

**AT: i'M PRETENDING THAT BEING FULLY HONEST ABOUT RUFIO'S FAKENESS, AND, **

**AT: bEING UP FRONT ABOUT HIS GENERAL FRAUDULENCE, tHAT IT WILL ONLY GIVE ME EXTRA CONFIDENCE, **

**AT: i'M PRETENDING THAT AS HARD AS i CAN, iN THE MOST CONFIDENT WAY, **

**AT: wHICH MAKES IT PARTIALLY MORE TRUE, **

**GG: that**

**GG: sure is a philosophy you have there!**

**AT: yES, bEING CONFIDENT IS ALWAYS ABOUT SAYING AND DOING THE THINGS YOU FEEL, **

**AT: eVEN IF THE AFRAID PART OF YOU SAYS, nO, pLEASE DON'T DO THAT,**

**AT: lIKE, uHHHHHHH, **

**AT: hERE IS A THING i'M AFRAID TO SAY TO YOU, jADE, **

**AT: bUT, **

**AT: i'M TOO CONFIDENT NOW TO LET MY AFRAIDNESS MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE, **

**GG: oh?**

**GG: well, what is it?**

**AT: rEMEMBER, i TALKED TO YOU A LOT WHEN YOU WERE SLEEPING, **

**GG: yes**

**AT: uHH, aND, **

**AT: wE TALKED ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS, aND WE HAD SOME THINGS IN COMMON, aND IT WAS NICE, **

**GG: sure!**

**AT: aND i THINK CONSEQUENTLY, tHE EMOTIONAL RESULT IS PROBABLY, **

**AT: tHAT MAYBE i HAVE SOME POSSIBLE RED FEELINGS FOR YOU, **

**GG: red feelings?**

**GG: you mean**

**GG: whoooooaaaaaa**

**GG: wait**

**GG: really? :o**

**AT: wOW, tHAT SURE WAS A HARD THING TO SAY AND MADE ME INCREDIBLY NERVOUS, **

**AT: bUT i SAID IT BECAUSE OF MY REMARKABLE LEG-POWERED SELF CONFIDENCE, **

**AT: aND NOW i THINK ALL THAT'S LEFT IS DEFINITELY YOUR RECIPROCATION ABOUT THAT, pROBABLY, **

**GG: um...**

**GG: well**

**GG: i dont think i can reciprocate!**

**AT: uH OH, **

**GG: i mean**

**GG: youre nice**

**GG: but i dont really know you...**

**GG: i dont even know your name!**

**AT: oH GOSH, hOW STUPID CAN i BE, **

**AT: i FORGOT TO SAY, **

**AT: i'M TAVROS, **

**GG: ok tavros**

**GG: i dont know if youve fully thought about this!**

**GG: you dont actually know me very well either**

**AT: oH YES, i SURELY DO, **

**AT: bECAUSE WE HAD A NUMBER OF SPIRITED CONVERSATIONS, wHEREIN YOU WERE VERY NICE AND PLEASED TO SPEAK WITH ME, **

**AT: dID, **

**AT: i MISINTERPRET THAT, wAS IT NOT ACTUALLY NICENESS, **

**GG: well no**

**GG: i was being nice**

**GG: because**

**GG: i like to be nice to people when i can, and when they are nice to me**

**GG: but...**

**GG: things are a little more complicated than that, you cant know someone just by a few conversations!**

**GG: i mean, i only talked to you when i was asleep! i am kind of different when im dreaming...**

**GG: i forget things, and at times im not totally sure whats real**

**GG: dont you remember thats what its like to dream on prospit?**

**AT: uH, **

**AT: kIND OF, **

**GG: sorry, i feel bad about having to disappoint you...**

**GG: but i dont know what else to say**

**AT: bUT WHAT ABOUT, **

**AT: mY ATTRACTIVE BRAVADO, **

**AT: aND IGNORING MY INSTINCTUAL COWARDICE HARD ENOUGH TO SAY THAT i LIKE YOU, **

**AT: iSN'T THAT, **

**AT: sUPPOSED TO BE VERY ATTRACTIVE, aND ENCOURAGE THE MAJOR HAVING OF FLUSHED FEELINGS IN OTHERS, **

**AT: i GUESS WHAT i MEAN IS, wHAT ABOUT ALL MY CONFIDENCE, **

**AT: wHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, **

**GG: jeeeeeez, um...**

**GG: tavros i am really flattered you like me and all**

**GG: and that sure is confident of you to say so! and thats great buuuut...**

**GG: i guess confidence is one thing but there is such a thing as being toooo forward i guess?**

**AT: wOW, **

**AT: oK, **

**GG: i aaaalso think...**

**GG: and really this is just polite friendly advice!**

**GG: that if youre really confident you dont always have to say it all the time**

**GG: it...**

**GG: oh man im sorry to say**

**GG: it just comes of as a little insecure and off putting and kind of defeats the purpose!**

**GG: and all things considered i think we should just stay friends**

**GG: or really...**

**GG: continue building a friendship in the first place, since like i said we dont actually know each other that well!**

**AT: yEAH, **

**AT: uUUUUUUHHH, **

**GG: sorry :C**

**AT: nO, nO, iF i'M BEING REALISTIC i THINK THAT'S WHAT'S REASONABLE TO SAY TO ME, **

**AT: aND i'LL WORK ON TONING DOWN MY SELF RESPECT A LITTLE, **

**GG: aaaah no! you should have self respect**

**GG: just...**

**GG: oh boy this is frustrating**

**GG: can we talk about this later?**

**GG: i have some things to do!**

**GG: why dont we get back to the original point**

**GG: why do you want to commune with bec again?**

**AT: yES, oF COURSE,**

**AT: i WANTED TO GET APPROVAL FROM YOU, tO COMMUNE HIM AGAIN,**

**AT: nOW THAT HE'S A SPRITE,**

**AT: tO PERPETRATE ONE OF MY HEROIC IDEAS AGAIN,**

**GG: uh-ohhh**

**GG: what is your idea this time?**

**AT: i WILL SUGGEST TO HIM THAT HE ATTACK YOUR ADVERSARY,**

**AT: aS WELL AS OURS,**

**AT: aND MAYBE BEAT HIM, tO SOLVE EVERYBODY'S PROBLEMS,**

**GG: wow, i dunno about that!**

**AT: bUT i HAVE GREAT SKILL IN COMMANDING BEASTS TO GLORY IN BATTLE,**

**AT: aND YOURS IS SURELY THE STRONGEST BEAST I'VE SEEN!**

**GG: but hes my best friend!**

**GG: and you have already managed to get one of my family members killed**

**AT: bUT ACCORDING TO MY SELF CONFIDENCE, i THINK i'M PRETTY SURE i CAN USE HIS POWER TO BE SUCCESSFUL,**

**AT: wHOOPS, PRETEND i DIDN'T MENTION MY SELF CONFIDENCE, oR SAY ANYTHING OFF PUTTING,**

**GG: but all of our adversaries have inherited his powers!**

**GG: i would imagine the strongest guy would have all of his powers, and then some!**

**GG: i am really not comfortable with this**

**AT: oH,**

**GG: you said you are asking me permission first and i appreciate that**

**GG: but if you are asking im afraid my answer is no!**

**AT: oKAY, i RESPECT THAT,**

**AT: bUT, i WONDER,**

**GG: what?**

**AT: i WONDER IF A TRULY SELF CONFIDENT GUY, wITH THE BEST SELF ESTEEM THERE IS, wOULD EVEN NEED TO ASK,**

**AT: mAYBE THE BEST GUY WOULD JUST KNOW HE WOULD BE SUCCESSFUL, aND WOULD DO IT ANYWAY BECAUSE IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, aND EVERYONE ELSE'S,**

**GG: no way!**

**GG: that would be smug and arrogant and would make you a bully!**

**GG: later if my friends and i want to ask bec for help and decide thats our best hope, then thats our business**

**GG: until then, just please stop meddling!**

**AT: wOW, oK,**

**AT: yOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT ALL THAT, i'LL RESPECT YOUR WISHES,**

**AT: oR,**

**AT: wILL i? };)**

**GG: nooooooooo dont dont dont dont dont**

**GG: im serious**

**GG: uuuuggghh i think my headache is coming back**

**AT: i WAS jUST,**

**AT: mAKING A JOKE,**

**AT: sORRY, }:(**

**AT: i GUESS US BECOMING A FRIENDSHIP DOESN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW,**

**GG: no...**

**GG: its fine**

**GG: i just really dont want you to do that ok?**

**AT: yEAH,**

**GG: i have to go now**

**GG: bye tavros**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased being trolled by adiosToreador ** **\- **

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****adiosToreador **

**AG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**AG: Oh my god, I cannot 8elieve how hilariously pathetic that whole exchange was.**

**AG: Even 8y your wretched standards, Toreadork!**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh god I can't 8reathe!**

**AG: A8solutely priceless. XXXXD**

**AT: hEY, vRISKA,**

**AT: tHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE, oF A PERSONAL NATURE,**

**AT: hOW COULD YOU EVEN BE READING THAT,**

**AG: Pff. Tavros, sometimes your stupidity surprises even me.**

**AG: Next time you decide to open your heart to an alien girl...**

**AG: Make sure her chat client isn't 8eing holographically projected for all to see, ok?**

**AT: uH,**

**AT: wHOOOPS,**

**AG: It was so em8arrassing just reading that Tavros. I'm em8arrassed!**

**AG: I am actually feeling genuine embarrassment. Your o8scene incompetence is actually polluting my otherwise pristine composure. Nice going!**

**AT: sO,**

**AT: i DON'T CARE,**

**AG: Jade let you down too easy. She's too nice! Someone's got to tear into you for that appalling display, and once again, guess who's shoulders that falls on?**

**AG: That's right. Vriska's, as usual.**

**AT: i THINK SHE HAS THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF NICENESS, pERSONALLY,**

**AT: aN AMOUNT THAT IS SOME, iNSTEAD OF,**

**AT: nONE,**

**AG: Hey, I'm nice when it matters, and where it doesn't strangul8te the critical development of people I give a shit a8out, ok?**

**AG: Really I don't know what you see in her. She is completely useless, like you.**

**AG: W8, of course! It makes perfect sense. You and she represent the ideal matespritship, how could I have 8een so 8lind!**

**AG: Two perfectly pointless gru8s in a bucket.**

**AT: nO, i HAVE TOO MUCH SELF CONFIDENCE NOW TO BE UPSET BY YOUR SCANDALOUS IMAGERY,**

**AT: i DON'T THINK SHE IS USELESS,**

**AT: aND i DON'T THINK i AM EITHER,**

**AT: bECAUSE OF NEW SELF ESTEEMS OBTAINED, rEMEMBER,**

**AG: Oh will you please stop going on a8out your fucking self esteem.**

**AG: I will say this much a8out her, she was right a8out that. How insuffera8le can you get, prattling on and on a8out how confident you are.**

**AG: Tavros, you give confidence a 8ad name. I gave you all the chances in the world to earn it, to earn REAL confidence, and you failed.**

**AG: You couldn't even do the one little thing I asked you to! The one thing that would have made you man up once and for all.**

**AG: So instead you flew away and cried, and decided to sleep away your sorrow for the rest of the adventure.**

**AG: Do you have any idea how sick that made me? Everything a8out you makes me sick.**

**AG: When you talk a8out your self confidence, I throw up a little. You don't know what confidence is. Ro8o-legs don't give you confidence, that 8n't no more true than saying my ro8o-arm gave me mine. See what I mean?**

**AG: Your confidence is faker than even the great Rufio himself, Lord of the Unreal. It's pure fiction, a false fakey fraudy con jo8 from a wimpy loser charlatan 8ullshit artist.**

**AG: It's shallow and nause8ting, just like you. Do us all a favor and SHUT UP a8out it.**

**AT: oK, i THINK,**

**AT: tHIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME PRETTY MAD,**

**AG: Yeah right!**

**AG: I'll 8elieve that when I see it, chump.**

**AT: i DON'T WANT YOU TO MOCK ME ANYMORE,**

**AT: i DON'T KNOW IF MY CONFIDENCE IS REAL, oR WHAT,**

**AT: bUT i WOULD LIKE YOU TO STOP SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT TO ME,**

**AT: aND TO STOP SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT MY FRIEND JADE, tOO,**

**AG: Jade is an idiot.**

**AG: A useless, 8oring no8ody. What has she done for her party other than fuck up every step of the way? What does she ever do 8ut take naps and get in trou8le?**

**AG: She's awful, and you deserve each other. Oh w8, except she h8tes you! Ahahahahahahahaha. Even the 8oring pointless girl h8s you, talk a8out a guy who can't get a 8r8k.**

**AG: Though I guess she's not compleeeeeeeetely useless. ::::)**

**AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT,**

**AG: Ok, Tavros, I gave her credit for something, so I'll give you credit for something too.**

**AG: Your plan to control her lusus really wasn't a 8ad idea!**

**AG: And using your a8ility to "save her life" (lol) was a pretty good way to test how effective your powers are across sessions.**

**AG: Pretty good way to practice, to know where you stand!**

**AG: Practicing your a8ilities is important, so when it comes down to using them for something that really matters, you know you're ready for prime time.**

**AG: I know this first hand.**

**AG: I got lots and lots and LOTS of practice with your little guinea pig friend. ::::D**

**AG: So really, turns out she wasn't so useless at all! Far from it.**

**AT: wHOA, wHAT,**

**AT: aRE YOU SAYING YOU DID TO HER,**

**AG: Not really the point!**

**AG: The point is I'm trying to pay you a compliment.**

**AG: At this point, you are so sad and disgusting, you should treat anything nice anyone has to say a8out you like a chest full of shimmering 8oon8ucks.**

**AT: oKAAAY, gOD,**

**AT: wHAT,**

**AG: Like I said! Your plan was solid.**

**AG: Controlling the guardian to go after Jack was a fine idea. Sure would stir some shit up! 8etter than 8eing an insignificant stuttering piece of trash all the time, I say.**

**AG: And you were definitely on to something a8out doing it "irregardless" (lol) of her wishes.**

**AG: 8ecause it's for her own good! That's what winners do. They do what is right for someone they care a8out even if the other person does nothing 8ut 8itch and moan and act ungr8ful a8out it. 8etter you learned l8 than never.**

**AG: In fact, I would go as far as saying that if you went ahead with her plan against her wishes, it MIGHT just earn you a smidgen of respect from me.**

**AG: We'll see.**

**AG: There's really just one catch.**

**AT: oH,**

**AT: wHAT'S THAT,**

**AG: The catch is it's not going to work!**

**AT: wHAT ISN'T, **

**AG: Are you even listening to me? Man, clear the Rufio wax out of your ears.**

**AG: You couldn't sic the guardian on Noir even if you were inclined. Not even if I were to MAKE you inclined! :::;)**

**AT: uHH, **

**AT: wHY, **

**AG: 8ecause you are dealing with a pro here. I already thought of that.**

**AG: I thought of everything!**

**AG: The guardian is not going to attack the agents who engineered him in the first place. **

**AG: Or who I should say were "encouraged" (lol) to engineer him.**

**AG: I was striking a mutually 8eneficial arrangement! This is often the most effective way to manipul8 others. **

**AG: I just sort of gave them an idea. Nudged them along in the direction of seizing more power, which they wanted to do anyway. **

**AG: Remem8er, I already have a lot of experience getting these simple minded agents to march to my drum 8eat. **

**AG: I was exiling them left and right in our session! I'm an expert at this 8y now. **

**AT: wHY WOULD YOU DO THAT,**

**AG: Tavros, at this point it should 8e o8vious.**

**AG: I am the unseen hand 8ehind every major event in their session, and to some extent, their whole lives.**

**AG: At least those events not happening 8y the volition of their own natural incompetence!**

**AG: Don't you think this is how it should 8e? Shouldn't the greatest player leave her fingerprints on every step of the rise to power of her ultim8 nemesis?**

**AT: wOW, nO, tHAT'S, **

**AT: i DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY ALL THE WAYS i THINK THAT IS CRAZY,**

**AG: 8ut you must agree, 8ecause you were copycatting my idea.**

**AT: nO i WASN'T, **

**AG: You were 8razenly inserting yourself into Jade's history. The self-insertion plan was my idea, and it's revolting and cowardly for you to deny it.**

**AT: tHAT WAS, fOR A GOOD THING THOUGH, **

**AG: Hahahaha, sure. Whatever you say.**

**AG: It's incredi8ly sad how outclassed you are. It's actually depressing that you thought you could 8eat me at my own game. And then most sickeningly of all, you don't own up it!**

**AG: I have every angle covered already. The human session is on full Serket lockdown. Any effort you make to disrupt my plans will 8e laugha8le, just like everything you have ever done in your life.**

**AG: The only thing left to do now is prepare to kill Jack myself, and save everyone's ungrateful asses.**

**AG: It's a shame you're not strong enough to take him on with me. Too 8ad you spent so long sleeping instead of tur8o-leveling like me.**

**AG: We might have made a pretty awesome team.**

**AG: Oh well.**

**AT: oKAY, tHEN,**

**AT: aLL OF YOUR USUAL INSULTING THINGS ASIDE, mY TAKE ON THIS IS,**

**AT: tHAT YOU CREATED OUR IMPOSSIBLY HARD BAD GUY, wHO WANTS TO KILL US,**

**AT: aND BY ASSOCIATION, i GUESS THAT MAKES,**

**AT: yOU THE BAD GUY TOO,**

**AT: iNSTEAD OF A GOOD GUY WHO'S JUST MEAN,**

**AG: Nice deduction! **

**AG: Wrong, excruci8tingly linear, and laced with the sort of a8solutes morons like to throw around... **

**AG: 8ut nice!**

**AT: aND THAT BEING THE CASE,**

**AT: eVEN THOUGH i'M TERRIFIED OF YOU,**

**AT: aND nOT AS STRONG,**

**AT: oR REAL CONFIDENT,**

**AT: oNLY MOSTLY FAKE CONFIDENT,**

**AG: Yeeeeeeees? **

**AG: Go on. **

**AT: i THINK,**

**AT: i AM GOING TO HAVE TO STOP YOU,**

**AG: Yeah! That's the spirit. **

**AG: Pretty weakslime threat there, 8ut it's a start. **

**AG: Tell you what. **

**AG: If you can find me in this la8, you can have at me. **

**AG: I'll even give you a free shot! No funny 8usiness or anything.**

**AT: oK,**

**AT: tHEN,**

**AT: hERE i COME,**

**AG: I'll 8e w8ing. 3**

The Page took his lance out of a chest and walked towards the laboratory steps. And then he tumbled down them and was super Tavriginal (as in Tavros original).

The Thief sat by her Nicolas Cage shrine and watched as Jade entered her grandfather's tower. Inside was the girl's stuffed dream self and stuffed dog, named Harley. On the fenestrated behind them, something blinked momentarily. Vriska used her mind powers to control the blinking image. Some guy with a band on his head with a single horn glued to it was under Vriska's mind control.

This guy, named Andrew Hussie, was riding a giant white lusus dragon creature through the sky "Yes!" Vriska yelled through him. "Hell fucking yes!"

A group of bullies far below stood in the middle of a park and watched in awe as the dragon approached them. He proceeded to fuck the bullies' shit up.

And so came to an end the most heroic thing that ever happened in the history of metafiction. Let's move on.


	100. Book 7 Chapter 6: The Heir Transparent

Chapter 6: The Heir Transparent

The windy thing subsided and clear skies prevailed on the Land of Wind and Shade. The Heir of Breath soared to the highest rung and ruled over his echeladder as the heir transparent. Boondollars flew.

The air began to fill again with grey clouds and fireflies. Good. The clouds had returned, the fireflies were still trapped, and the spell remained unbroken. There was commotion behind John. A village perhaps?

He turned and saw a salamander nearby.

"Did you see it? It was there, after the Windy Thing!" the salamander exclaimed.

"See what?" John asked.

"Oh gosh," replied the salamander, "I can't think of the word. The big flat thing thats as wide as possible, and up."

"Um…" John said, lost.

"The dark colored ceiling that clouds stay under," said the salamander.

"You mean… the sky?" John asked.

"YES!" the salamander yelled. "It was so beautiful. I hope to witness its miracle again one day before the end of my sadly short amphibious lifespan."  
"I hope you do too," he said, and walked over to where his glasses were. Vriska was messaging him about something.

**AG: John.**

**AG: CONGRATUL8TIONS!**

**EB: for what? you mean…**

**EB: that windy thing? did i actually do that somehow?**

**AG: Well, yes, you did. And I suppose congratul8tions are in order for that too.**

**AG: 8ut mostly, I am congratul8ting you…..**

**AG: FOR GAINING ALL THE LEVELS! ::::O**

**EB: oh, right! i got to the top of my echeladder somehow. i didn't even really think it had a top, or that i would get there so fast.**

**EB: so i guess that's it, then! don't have to worry about leveling up anymore. that's pretty neat.**

**AG: Don't 8e ridiculous, John.**

**AG: While you may have technically gained all the levels just now, you did not truly gain ALL of them just yet.**

**AG: In a way, this is really just the 8eginning.**

**EB: it is?**

**AG: Yes. You are now ready to 8egin your ascent through the god tiers.**

**AG: No8ody I know was a8le to progress this far anywhere near as fast and you, John. Not even me! I can't tell you how proud I am.**

**EB: wow, really?**

**EB: ok, what do i do?**

**AG: The thing is, from this point on, you can't make any progress while you're awake. So you've got to get to sleep!**

**AG: 8ut not just any 8oring old nap will do. You will need to go to sleep in a special 8ed.**

**AG: You must find your Quest 8ed, John.**

**EB: that sounds pretty cool. where is it?**

**AG: Not too far away! 8ut rather than me telling you, why don't you talk to the locals and ask around?**

**AG: I've helped you get this far, 8ut at some point you're going to have to start taking some steps all 8y yourself. I think you're ready for that!**

**AG: If you make the right decisions and play all your cards right, hell, you might even wind up at a higher tier than I did!**

**AG: I hope this turns out to 8e the case. I am rooting for you all the way. Now get going and find that 8ed!**

**EB: okay, i will! thanks a lot, vriska!**

John opened a nearby Pyxis and retrieved an uncarved minitablet. Then he climbed some stairs and talked to another one of the salamanders.

"That was quite a bluster, wouldn't you say?" the salamander asked. "It really had us all whipping around here, our little legs flailing every which way." It blew bubbles in its mouth agitatedly.

"You must be talking about the windy thing," John said. "Yeah, uh, sorry about that."

"What would you have to be sorry about?" the salamander glubbed suspiciously. "A great surge of The Breeze like that could only be summoned by the Heir! It means he's finally come! This is so exciting. Please let me know if you see him."

"I will," John said with a chuckle. He walked past the salamander and into a small salamander village.

"I thought for sure our mushroom was cooked!" one of the consorts was saying to another. "The Green Tragedy nearly consumed us all."

"The 'Green Tragedy'," John asked. "Oh…" he said with realization. The salamanders looked at him. "You mean the fire?" he asked.

"Yes," said the salamander who'd been speaking before. "Word has spread of the global catastrophe. Thousands of lives were lost."

"But," said the other one, "luckily, the Heir saved us! I'm going to pop a big friendly bubble in his face if I am ever lucky enough to meet him."

"Wow," John said. "Sounds like he's in for a treat!"

He walked away and opened a nearby Parcel Pyxis. Inside was a can of Tab. Oh yes, he'd been dying to try this beverage for a long time. Perfect timing too, since he was in need of of a good sugar kick. This can should be jam-packed full of real, actual sugar. He popped it open and took a sip. He immediately spat it out.

"Blech," he said. "This stuff sucks."

John wandered over to another couple of salamanders.

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy, I can't wait for the Heir to visit our village," one was saying to another. "Hey! Maybe he's here right _now._ Maybe if I blow my spit bubble big enough, it will catch the Heir's reflection, and I will be able to bask in his magnificence." The Salamander blew a giant bubble in its mouth. "Wait… I see someone in my bubble's reflection right now! Could it be... could it… Oh never mind, it's just a dumb boy with some square glass shapes on his face."

"Hey!" John exclaimed.

"We must all come together and unify as a people after the terrible Green Tragedy," the other salamander said. "This harmonious union will mostly entail a lot of standing around and fidgeting hyperactively… together!"

John nodded and walked off across a bridge. He opened a Pyxis to find… one of his fake arms? Man, why did they have to rummage through his stuff and mail it all over the planet? He walked along the shore of the oil ocean and came upon a young salamander.

"Hey little fella," he said, "where are your parents?" And then, mostly to himself, "Do salamanders even have parents? Oh, duh, of course they do. I guess what I mean is do you have a family or anything."

"Glub," replied the salamander.

"Hmm," John said. "I already adopted one young salamander today, but then I left her at my friend's house. So I think I'll let you be. I dunno if I'm cut out to be a dad. I mean, I don't even have a tie, or a pipe, or a really serious-looking wallet or anything. Thinking about it is making me miss my Dad. Hey, I wonder if I'll see him when I sleep on my quest bed? I hope so. Anyway, thanks for listening. See you, little guy!"

"Glub," said the baby salamander.

John smiled and, having reached a dead end, returned to the small village with its… four inhabitants and took a different route. Eventually he came to a sign post. It read:

Left: village

Right: mushroom orchard, and also a secret grotto! shhh…

John decided to go right. Blocking his path were three salamanders glubbing in unison. Guards, perhaps?

"Hey you," one of them said in a gruff voice, "don't go any further! The mushroom orchard has been commandeered by a frightening beast! It is terribly powerful, unlike any underling I have ever seen, at least not before the Green Tragedy. The devil is making it nigh impossible to farm our goddamn mushrooms!"

John took a step forward, and another one of them spoke. "Halt! We are guarding the mushroom orchard. It is for your own good. Do not pass."

"Guard guard guard," the third said. "We are an elite team of village guards, guarding this orchard here. Together we represent an impenetrable edifice of amphibious fury. There is no way anyone is getting through. Public safety is assured."

"Got it," John said, and walked past them calmly. The salamanders did nothing.

He walked along a short path that opened up into a large area. At the far side a salamander was working calmly, collecting mushrooms. The entire area was full of uranium imps. Once John had frozen them in time with his hammer and smashed them to bits, he went over to the consort farmer.

"Hey," he said. The farmer said nothing. "Excuse me? Can you tell me where…"

"Can't you see I'm busy?" the salamander glubbed annoyedly. John held his hands up in silent surrender and stepped back.

He surveyed the area and noticed something. A little frog statue sat to the side of the open mushroom farm. He walked up to it. It had a bunch of dials on its base, which John turned, but nothing happened.

On his way back to the signpost, he happened to look to his right. There was the secret grotto! A little trail led off of the main path.

As he followed it, a cowled salamander poked his head out of the blue woods. John jumped.

"You are entering the private and secluded alcove of the Clan of the Secret Wizard," the salamander said mysteriously. "Shhhhh…" he said, and then vanished amongst the trees again.

John gulped and followed the trail into a small clearing in the woods. A bunch of cowled salamanders stood around randomly, glubbing and looking ridiculous.

"Behold my robes, good sir," one of them said to him. "Behold them and may peace behold you."

"Where is your rag of souls?" asked another. "You look absolutely ridiculous. Our secret society beholds you as foolish."  
"GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB," said a third. "Yeah, just behold my robes already, ok? Sheesh."

John covered his ears and walked past the wizards to a Pyxis. He opened it and received… his own copy of _Harry Anderson's Wise Guy_ back! Come on, this was ridiculous! His prized possessions had been scattered to every corner of the globe! And now the glubs were getting to him too.

"EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!" he yelled. The salamanders fell silent and turned to him. "Can you tell me about something other than how ridiculous I look and to behold your robes?"

"Would you like to hear the story of the Clan of the Secret Wizard," one asked lightheartedly. "It is why you presently have the privilege of beholding my divine robes."  
For the first time, John really beheld their robes and started in shock. "But… those are my bedsheets! How did you get them?"

"Silence," said another salamander. "I will not entertain such pluck from the lowly unenrobed." Then he began the story.

"Our great elder, the magnificent Secret Wizard, was one day graced with the first rag of souls from the clouds. He donned the oily, humble cloth and assumed the countenance of a simple beggar.

"But lo, he beheld a great pillar of rock, and on the pillar he beheld an impossibly tall white tower belonging to the fabled Heir of Breath." There were murmurs all around. The salamanders had clearly all heard the story before, but they sounded shocked as if this was the first time it was being told.

"And so our leader," the salamander continued, "ascended this pillar and this tower but found no sign of the Heir. He did, however, find the Heir's floating blue servant, and she laundered his robes, and so the rag of souls was born anew!

"Such was his magnanimity, he employed the Heavenly Machina to duplicate this relic and distribute robes to his many followers across the land, so that they too may be beheld with a beholden eye of admiration. So it was, and so it shall have been behelt.

"Now go," he said to John. "May beheld robes be with you always."

John bowed, left the grotto, and turned right to proceed to the main part of the village.

The tiny four-inhabitant village was nothing compared to this bustling salamander settlement. John walked up to the nearest consort, who seemed to be waiting in line for some sort of food stand.

"So, what's your take on what just happened?" John asked.

"I thought the spell was broken there for a moment! The clouds went away, and the fireflies were all buzzing around, acting disoriented. But then the clouds came back! To be honest, I was a little relieved. I have grown fond of them. And if the fireflies were to escape from above, I would miss them dearly! They're really pretty, and they're my friends."

"Aw," John said. He walked up to the snack vendor.

"Welcome!" it said. "Looking for something tasty today?"  
"No," John said. "Just passing through. Hey, have you heard anything about a special bed that has to do with the Heir or something?"  
"Mouth sealed," the vendor said, blubbing with finality.

John walked over to a nearby salamander. "How can I get him to talk?" he asked.

"Our village has the best snack stand in the land! It offers the juiciest bugs and most succulent onions!"

"Yes, but how can I get him to talk?" John asked.

The salamander was silent for a bit, then said "I'm so hungry. Alas, I have not a single boondollar to pop my bubble with." John felt sorry for the salamander.

"Tell you what," he said. "I will treat you to a nice lunch. I have loads of boondollars!" John gave him 100 boondollars.

"Oh god oh god oh god, this is like a small fortune! I can finally afford to try the most sublime delicacy on the menu. But, if I opt for that, I can afford nothing else that is tasty. Hm..."

"Yes," said John, "having money leads to some complicated decisions. Oh well, enjoy!"

The salamander went up to the vendor and ordered a grasshopper.

"Psst," came a voice. John turned to see another salamander blubbing away. "Over here." John shrugged and walked over. "So, I heard a rumor that you were some kind of Mr. Moneybags over here. Well, boy do I have an offer for you."

"What is it?" John asked.

"A treasure!" the salamander whispered. "It will cost you 10,000 boondollars to discover what it is, and obtain it."

"Wow!" John breathed. "10,000 boondollars? That's a lot… But really, I guess it's not so much, since I have millions."  
"Millions?" asked the salamander excitedly. "Why didn't you say so? I revise my offer to 100,000 boondollars."

"Hey!" John proclaimed. "You can't do that! I will pay you 10,000 boondollars, and that's my final offer."

The salamander appeared to consider. "You drive a hard bargain out of that silly-toothed mouth of yours. Very well, the deal has been made."

John received a smuppet. "Aaaauuuuugh! It was one of Dave's dumb butt puppets? I hate those things! What a rip-off.

He stormed towards an exit to the village, but stopped as a haberdashery caught his eye. He walked towards it slightly apprehensive.

"Hello," said the haberdasher excitedly. "Looking for a head object that is rumpled and unsightly? All of our head objects are rumpled and unsightly, fortunately!"

In stock was a "rumpled head object" for 1,000 boondollars, an "even rumplier head object" for 2,000 boondollars, and "the rumpliest head object of all" for 5,000 boondollars. John laughed and bought the rumpliest head object of all and placed it on his head. He was fabulous.

He thanked the haberdasher and left the village in a swift motion. Ahead of him, he could see a large tower with a spiral staircase running up it. Above was a symbol. Two lines placed one on top of the other in a gust of wind. He made his way towards the tower.

When John reached the top of the tower, he could see that there was a Quest Bed after all. It was blue with the windy symbol on it. Around it were four small spires about three times John's height. He sat on the edge of the bed.

**EB: ok, i think i'm ready to take this legendary nap!**

**EB: and then climb the god tiers, i guess?**

**AG: Yes, exactly! Pretty exciting, isn't it?**

**EB: yeah...**

**EB: maybe it is a little TOO exciting.**

**AG: What's that mean?**

**EB: i am not sleepy at all!**

**EB: also, this is not much of a bed. more like a really hard slab of rock.**

**EB: i don't see how i will be able to sleep.**

**AG: John.**

**AG: Would you like me to put you to sleep?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: you mean, you're asking me this time, instead of just doing it?**

**EB: what happened to you wanting to be responsible for me becoming a hero!**

**AG: John, I am clearly involved in your rise to power now regardless. That can't 8e changed!**

**AG: I am giving you the option, 8ecause at some point a hero has to start making choices.**

**AG: Once you take a 8r8k from hunting treasure and stop getting distracted 8y side quests, you eventually realize that's what this game is all a8out.**

**AG: The choices you make affect the destiny of the universe you cre8te, as well as the type of hero you 8ecome.**

**AG: It would have 8een nice if someone was around to explain all this to me, and let me have some control over my own f8.**

**AG: I had to do this a much less pleasant way. I'm sparing you that indignity.**

**AG: 8esides, it's not like you're some loser who doesn't know how to make tough decisions.**

**AG: So what'll it 8e, John?**

**EB: well...**

**EB: i'm supposed to go to sleep to realize my destiny...**

**EB: and you have the ability to make me do that, so...**

**EB: i don't really see the harm in that.**

**EB: it sounds like it is just the practical thing to do.**

**AG: Am I hearing a "yes," John?**

**EB: yes, that is my decision.**

**EB: vriska, please put me to sleep!**

**AG: You got it. 3**

And John was asleep. As he lay there, on the slab, someone watched from above. Someone with dog ears and a snout.

Bec Noir shifted Bro's shades and landed, sword out in front of him. And then he stabbed John through the stomach, vanished the sword, and flew off into the night. The boy lay dead on the Quest Bed.

**AG: 8888)**


	101. Book 7 Chapter 7: JOHN RISE UP

Chapter 7: JOHN. RISE UP.

WV stood shock-still behind the console and then remembered. He typed "JOHN. RISE UP."

On the screen, the Vagabond could see the blood from the gash spreading across the boy's body. Serenity landed on John's face sadly.

And then, like a million pieces of glass shattering all at once, the spell was broken. Four grey orbs atop the spires that surrounded the Quest Bed glowed bright. A million fireflies in the LOWAS sky converged on John's body and the windy symbol was sucked down towards the dead boy as well. WV's eyes widened.

Past WV's eyes widened as well, somewhere on Prospit. The unitor of the black and white kingdoms watched in surprise as four orbs surrounding John's Skaian Quest Bed lit up as well. Dream John inherited John's wound.

Dream John, in his golden Prospitian pajamas, rose into the sky, blood dripping down his arms. But then the blood disappeared and so did the pajamas. John was left stark naked, dead, and floating in the sky.

On LOFAF, Jade was wading through the snow, when she noticed a blue light above her. She turned and looked up at Skaia in alarm. There seemed to be some kind of blue windy symbol in the center of it now.

On LOHAC, Dave stood on a turning gear in the lava and looked up at Skaia as well, arms crossed.

On LOLAR, Rose shielded her eyes from the brightness of her planet's light. She looked at the symbol on Skaia as well.

And then John was clothed again, floating in the sky. He opened his eyes, and although he was wearing his Serious Business Goggles, he could see a cloud in front of him. He looked at himself through the prophetic fluff, seeing his dead body on the Quest Bed on LOWAS, covered in fireflies. He was dead. So what had happened?

He looked down at himself. He was wearing blue pajamas now. It had a hood on it. The hood's back extended in a blue windsock far behind his body like a tail. A windy tail. In the center of his blue pajamas was a single symbol; it was in a different color than everything else. It was a lighter blue. It was the windy symbol. The symbol of Breath. Because John was the Heir of Breath.

Back on Future Earth, WV remained watching the screen. John had just died and now he was covered in fireflies. Serenity flew off of the screen as it went dark.

But before it went dark, WV saw something faint. It was Bec Noir with his ring on. And he was flying off to wreak havoc elsewhere.

And then the screen turned grainy and blacked out.

Green puppet-suit Dave lay asleep on his Quest Bed. It had a symbol of a red gear on it, the symbol of Time.

And then another Dave appeared - a Dave wearing a shirt similar to his original one. The shirt had a scratched disc on it, in the center, and was grey with red sleeves. This Dave was holding the broken Caledscratch in his hands. He sent it back in time and received it completely unscathed. He then stood ominously over the other Dave and contacted Terezi.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **\- **

**TG: ok**

**GC: WH4T :?**

**TG: what do you mean what**

**GC: 1 M34N WH4T 4R3 YOU W41T1NG FOR!**

**GC: 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO JUST ST4ND TH3R3, OR 4R3 YOU GO1NG TO SUCK 1T UP 4ND 4SS4SS1N4T3 TH4T N1C3 LOOK1NG D4V3 1N H1S SL33P? :]**

**TG: but**

**TG: you know if im going to or not**

**TG: its lame for you to pretend theres any element of suspense here**

**TG: why dont you just tell me**

**GC: OH 1 G3T 1T**

**GC: YOU W4NT TO R1S3 TO TH3 GOD T13RS 4ND B3COM3 4S GR34T 4S JOHN**

**GC: WH1L3 ST1LL FORF31T1NG 4LL OF YOUR D3C1S1ONS 4ND FR33 W1LL TO 4 BL1ND G1RL 1N 4NOTH3R D1M3NS1ON**

**GC: R34L H3RO1C, D4V3!**

**GC: OR SHOULD 1 S4Y**

**GC: SOOOO COOOOOOL 8]**

**TG: look i dont mind making the decision if thats whats going on here**

**TG: like doing the free will thing**

**GC: OH 1S TH4T 4 TH1NG NOW?**

**TG: yes how would it ever stop being a thing**

**TG: being a things not something it ever stopped doing**

**TG: i just want to know whats really going on here**

**TG: before i decide to start choppin off the heads of outrageously good looking snoozing dudes**

**GC: 1 TOLD YOU**

**GC: YOU N33D TO D13 ON YOUR QU3ST B3D TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R 1N SK414 W1TH JOHN**

**TG: ok i know but**

**TG: something about this doesnt add up**

**TG: who is this guy**

**TG: i dont remember sleeping on this bed**

**TG: or reaching the god tier im pretty sure thats something id remember**

**TG: so is he from the future**

**TG: does this mean later im going to have to put this ugly goddamn suit back on**

**TG: which i thought we both agreed id retired from the wardrobe forever**

**TG: and then go back in time and sleep in this bed and get killed by me right now**

**TG: do i have the stable loop right**

**GC: NOP3!**

**TG: then what**

**GC: 1 C4N T3LL YOU**

**GC: BUT F1RST, 4R3 YOU SO SUR3 TH1S 1S TH3 SOURC3 OF YOUR H3S1T4T1ON, D4V3?**

**GC: K33P1NG TR4CK OF T3MPOR4L LOG1ST1CS?**

**TG: why wouldnt i be concerned about that**

**TG: if we make mistakes then dead daves start piling up**

**TG: and dead daves are the enemy remember**

**TG: says the sword holding guy whos about to add one to the pile**

**GC: 1M JUST S4Y1NG**

**GC: 1T 1SNT 34SY FOR 4NYON3 TO F4C3 TH31R OWN D34TH**

**GC: 3V3N 1F TH3 CONS3QU3NC3 1S TO TH31R B3N3F1T**

**GC: NOT 3V3N 4NY OF US M4N4G3D TO DO 1T**

**GC: W3LL, 3XC3PT FOR ON3**

**TG: who**

**GC: T4K3 4 WILD GU3SS!**

**TG: ok got it**

**TG: i wonder if this can finally be the conversation that doesnt deteriorate into a lot of bitching and moaning about her**

**GC: F1N3 :P**

**TG: so if im understanding this**

**TG: this guy isnt from the future who came back to finish a loop**

**TG: and hes not from the past because id remember doing this**

**TG: so this isnt part of our timeline choreography at all**

**TG: must be from an offshoot timeline**

**TG: which means hes doomed**

**GC: Y3S**

**TG: ok so how did this happen where did we fuck up**

**GC: W3 D1DNT!**

**GC: SORRY 4BOUT TH1S D4V3**

**GC: 1T W4S TH3 B3ST W4Y 1 COULD TH1NK OF TO SHOW YOU WH4T TH1S 1NVOLV3S!**

**GC: YOU WOULDNT STOP BUGG1NG M3 4BOUT WHY YOUD N3V3R B3 4BL3 TO C4TCH UP W1TH JOHN**

**GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO F4C3 YOUR D34TH**

**GC: 4ND TH4T W4SNT GOOD 3NOUGH FOR YOU! SO H3R3 W3 4R3**

**TG: what exactly did you do**

**GC: OK, R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU W3R3 4SK1NG M3 4BOUT TH1S GOD T13R STUFF**

**GC: 4ND HOW JOHN W4S 4BL3 TO 4SC3ND**

**GC: 4ND 1 TOLD YOU 1T WOULD 1NVOLV3 DY1NG**

**GC: 4ND YOU K3PT GO1NG ON 4BOUT 1T, SO 1 G4V3 YOU 4 CHO1C3**

**GC: TO F1ND OUT NOW, OR F1ND OUT L4T3R**

**TG: yeah i remember **

**TG: that seems like a long time ago already **

**TG: what was that like more than a day for me chronologically **

**GC: Y3S BUT 1T W4S ONLY 4 COUPL3 M1NUT3S 4GO FOR M3**

**GC: YOU F1N4LLY WOR3 M3 DOWN W1TH 4LL YOUR R3C3NT P3ST3R1NG!**

**GC: SO 1 S41D F1N3**

**GC: 4ND W3NT B4CK 4 L1TTL3 34RL13R ON YOUR T1M3L1N3 TO K1CK TH1S OFF**

**GC: SO TH1S 1S HOW W3 4R3 DO1NG TH1S NOW**

**TG: ok but you didnt actually give me a choice **

**TG: you just flipped a coin **

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: 4ND 1 L3FT TH3 D3C1S1ON OV3R TH3 OUTCOM3 OF TH3 FL1P 1N YOUR H4NDS! :]**

**GC: M4YB3 YOU FORGOT **

**GC: 1 WOULDNT BL4M3 YOU S1NC3 TH3R3 H4S B33N 4 LOT TO K33P TR4CK OF **

**GC: BUT H3R3 1S HOW 1T W3NT DOWN **

**GC: YOU W3R3 STRUTT1NG 4ROUND 1N YOUR D3L1C1OUS K1W1 31GHT B4LL SU1T 4ND RUNN1NG YOUR FR3SH MOUTH 4S USU4L **

**GC: durp yo terezi sup sup gotta beat john gotta beat john **

**GC: hes got a long hood and he does wind, how can i get powers too? **

**GC: ****oops red is how i talk, my bad**

**GC: ****OH MY GOD...**

**GC: ****D4V3 TH1S 1S SO D3C4D3NT**

**GC: ****WHY D1DNT YOU 3V3R T3LL M3 HOW 4M4Z1NG 1T 1S TO TYP3 L1K3 TH1S**

**GC: ****1 4LMOST C4NT H4NDL3 1T :o**

**TG: ok stop that shit is probably like crack to you**

**TG: im not going to stand by and watch you fall prey to your own wild cherry apeshit apocalypse**

**GC: OK :[ **

**GC: SO 4NYW4Y, 1M L1K3 D4V3 TH4TS GO1NG TO 1NVOLV3 F4C1NG YOUR OWN D34TH **

**GC: 4ND 1M SORRY TO BR34K 1T TO YOU BUT 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34DY FOR TH4T **

**GC: SO TH3N D4V3 1S L1K3 thats so stupid bluh bluh im being difficult, and cool, word up **

**GC: SO 1 S4Y F1N3 **

**GC: 1 W1LL SHOW YOU **

**GC: BUT ONLY 1F YOU PROM1S3 TO TH3 3X4CT T3RMS OF MY 4RR4NG3M3NT, 1N ORD3R TO PROT3CT TH3 1NT3GR1TY OF TH3 T1M3L1N3 :] **

**TG: the arrangement being the coin flip thing**

**TG: thank god we did that otherwise wed be screwed**

**TG: i probably would have gone back in time and killed my own grandfather oh wait i never had one**

**GC: 4H, BUT 1T W4S 1MPORT4NT! **

**GC: YOU JUST D1DNT KNOW WH4T W4S GO1NG ON, WH1CH W4S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD **

**GC: 1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S GO1NG TO FL1P 4 CO1N **

**GC: 4ND B3FOR3 1 D1D, YOU H4D TO P1CK 4 S1D3 W1THOUT T3LL1NG M3 **

**GC: GOOD H34DS OR B4D H34DS **

**GC: 4ND YOU W3R3 L1K3 hey sure terezi i will hella go along with your two face thing **

**GC: WH4T3V3R TH4T M34NS :\ **

**TG: oh yeah**

**GC: WH4T D1D TH4T M34N, BY TH3 W4Y **

**GC: WH4TS 4 TWO F4C3 TH1NG **

**TG: twoface is a human batman villain whos half ugly and flips coins all the time to make evil decisions**

**GC: OH... **

**GC: W3LL TH4TS K1ND OF D1SH34RT3N1NG, 1 SORT OF THOUGHT MY CO1N FL1PP1NG W4S 4 COOL 4ND UN1QU3 TH1NG :[ **

**TG: its ok flippin coins for reasons is still pretty badass i guess**

**TG: why dont you finish your story**

**GC: R1GHT**

**GC: SO TH3 CHO1C3 1F YOU R3C4LL W4S**

**GC: 1 COULD SHOW YOU HOW TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R NOW**

**GC: OR 1 COULD SHOW YOU L4T3R**

**GC: 4ND YOU H4D TO 4SS1GN ON3 OPT1ON TO GOOD H34DS**

**GC: 4ND TH3 OTH3R OPT1ON TO B4D H34DS**

**GC: 4ND WH4T3V3R TH3 R3SULT OF TH3 FL1P, YOU H4D TO PROM1S3 TO DO WH4T YOU COMM1TT3D TO B3FOR3 H4ND!**

**GC: NO CH34T1NG 4ND CH4NG1NG YOUR M1ND, OR TH4T WOULD FUCK 1T UP**

**TG: right exactly **

**TG: so like i said before i had no choice at all i picked some options and you flipped a coin **

**GC: Y3S, BUT L34V1NG TH3 CHO1C3 TO YOU W4S 1MPORT4NT H3R3**

**GC: YOULL S33 WHY 1F YOU TH1NK 4BOUT 1T**

**TG: not seein it **

**TG: i picked good heads to mean youd show me now **

**TG: bad heads to mean youd show me later **

**TG: you said it came up bad heads **

**TG: so i was like ok i can wait **

**TG: and i did for like a whole day **

**TG: and now here you are showing me **

**TG: did i miss something **

**GC: Y3S**

**GC: YOU FORGOT TH4T TH3R3 W4S 4LSO 4N OFFSHOOT R34L1TY 1N WH1CH YOU M4D3 JUST TH3 OPPOS1T3 D3C1S1ON!**

**GC: TH4T W4S TH3 ON3 WH3R3 B4D H34DS M34NT 1 WOULD SHOW YOU R1GHT 4W4Y**

**GC: R3M3MB3R B3FOR3 TH3 FL1P, 1 1NSTRUCT3D YOU WH4T TO DO 1N TH4T 3V3NT**

**GC: TO GO B4CK 1N T1M3, 4ND 4W41T FURTH3R 1NSTRUCT1ON**

**GC: 4ND YOU D1D!**

**GC: H3 D1D, TH4T 1S**

**GC: H3 W3NT B4CK 1N T1M3, 4ND 1 TOLD H1M TO F1ND TH1S B3D 4ND GO TO SL33P**

**GC: 4ND TH3N FUTUR3 D4V3 WOULD COM3 L4T3R 4ND K1LL H1M, S3ND1NG H1M TO TH3 GOD T13R 1F H3 SO W1LL3D**

**GC: 1F H3 COULD F1ND TH3 WH3R3W1TH4LL TO GO THROUGH W1TH 1T**

**GC: TH3 SL33P1NG D4V3 1S TH3 DOOM3D D4V3, TH3 ON3 WHO D1DNT W41T**

**GC: FUTUR3 D4V3 1S YOU, TH3 ON3 WHO W41T3D**

**GC: 1N YOUR QU3ST, YOUR3 TH3 4LPH4 D4V3**

**GC: H3S YOU 8]**


	102. Book 7 Chapter 8: K8LL M8

Chapter 8: K8LL M8

**TG: then**

**TG: this is kind of useless isnt it**

**TG: i thought you were bringing me back here to finish a stable time loop not murder a guy you punked whos gonna die regardless**

**TG: whats the fucking point of giving a doomed version of myself superpowers anyway**

**GC: M4YB3 H3 W1LL STOP B31NG DOOM3D 4FT3R YOU K1LL H1M? **

**GC: M4YB3 H3 W1LL G3T TH3 D4V3 POW3RS 4ND L1V3 4 LONG 4ND COOL L1F3 NOT B31NG DOOM3D 4NYMOR3 **

**GC: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW UNL3SS YOU T4K3 4 ST4B 4T 1T? **

**GC: H3H3H3 **

**TG: its just the worst thing when you get morbid**

**GC: :P **

**TG: anyway maybe**

**TG: but i kind of doubt thats how it works i mean**

**TG: doomed means doomed doesnt it**

**TG: the loopholes are only temporary like look how davesprite turned out**

**GC: :[ **

**GC: R1P MR OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, M4Y H3 R3ST 1N D3L1C1OUSN3SS **

**TG: am i wrong in guessing that**

**TG: shouldnt you know better than me**

**GC: D4V3 WH3N 1T COM3S TO T1M3 STUFF, WHY WOULD TH3 S33R OF M1ND KNOW B3TT3R TH4N TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3? **

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: what does being a seer of mind actually mean**

**GC: TH4T 1S **

**GC: 4 GR33334T QU3ST1ON :] **

**GC: M4YB3 1F YOU TH1NK 4BOUT 1T YOU C4N F1GUR3 1T OUT YOURS3LF **

**TG: oh ok its someone who asks a bunch of dumb riddles i figured it out already**

**GC: Y34H R1GHT! **

**TG: lets not get derailed here**

**TG: we were talking about a serious issue and im standing over my soon to be corpse while holding a fucking sword**

**GC: OK, TH4T 1S F41R **

**GC: YOU 4R3 PROB4BLY CORR3CT 4BOUT DOOM3D MR K1W1SU1T H3R3 **

**GC: P4R4DOX SP4C3 1S PR3TTY V1C1OUS 4BOUT PUN1SH1NG THOS3 1N V1OL4T1ON OF 1TS PL4N **

**TG: punishing**

**GC: SUR3 **

**GC: 1T F1NDS W4YS TO 4NN1H1L4T3 TH3 P4THS WH1CH DO NOT CONTR1BUT3 CONSTRUCT1V3LY TO 1TS OWN PROP4G4T1ON **

**GC: 4ND 1T 1S 3QU4LLY M3RC1L3SS TO THOS3 WHO 1NH4B1T TH3M, 4ND 1N P4RT1CUL4R, THOS3 WHO C4US3 TH3M **

**GC: 1T 4PP34RS TO H4V3 4 S3NS3 OF JUST1C3, DONT YOU TH1NK? **

**TG: i guess**

**GC: W3LL, YOU 4SK3D WH4T 1 THOUGHT, 4ND TH4TS WH4T 1 TH1NK **

**GC: TH3 QU3ST1ON R3M41NS **

**GC: NOW WH4T?**

**TG: i dunno none of this is making for a very persuasive argument that i should kill doomed me**

**GC: BUT H3 1S GO1NG TO D13 4NYW4Y! **

**GC: WHY NOT JUST B3 TH3 ON3 TO PUT H1M DOWN? **

**GC: 4T TH3 V3RY L34ST, YOU COULD M4K3 SUR3 1T 1S 4 PL34S4NT D3M1S3 1NST34D OF SOM3TH1NG N4ST13R :] **

**TG: see**

**TG: this shit youre doing now**

**TG: this is the morbid shit i was talking about**

**TG: its not anywhere near as endearing as you probably think**

**TG: even when you bracket smile after it**

**TG: like ok you said something fucked up but hey theres a cute face my heart just fucking melted**

**GC: D4V3, W3 BOTH KNOW MY BR4CK3T SM1L3S 4R3 1RR3S1ST1BL3 **

**GC: :] :] :] **

**TG: ok yeah youre right i just got won back over totally**

**TG: i think**

**TG: this whole thing was a ruse**

**TG: and not even the funny kind that qualify as distactions**

**TG: i think you got my whole timeline there in front of you and you know damn well i have no intention of killing this guy ever**

**TG: and its just a big game you set up to watch me squirm over weird mortality issues while you giggle**

**GC: Y34H **

**GC: SO? **

**TG: so**

**TG: i guess**

**TG: well played?**

**TG: i dont know**

**TG: just one question**

**TG: and please just drop your fucking justice riddles and be honest**

**TG: do i ever make the god tier**

**TG: like the right way**

**GC: V3RY W3LL, 1 W1LL STOP TORM3NT1NG YOU D4V3 **

**GC: NO, YOU DONT **

**GC: BUT TH4T 1S NOT 4S B4D 4S 1T SOUNDS! **

**GC: L1K3 1 S41D, NON3 OF US M4D3 1T **

**GC: 3XC3PT FOR... OK N3V3R M1ND **

**GC: 1T W4SNT N3C3SS4RY! W3 W3R3 4LR34DY BR33Z1NG THROUGH TH3 G4M3 4T OUR LOW3R L3V3LS **

**GC: BY TH3 T1M3 W3 R34CH3D TH3 TOP OF OUR 3CH3L4DD3RS 4ND M4ST3R3D OUR FR4YMOT1FS, W3 W3R3 COMPL3T3LY DOM1N4T1NG! **

**GC: OK, SO TH3 3ND BOSS W4S MOR3 CH4LL3NG1NG TH4N W3 3XP3CT3D **

**GC: BUT BY TH3N 1T W4S TOO L4T3 TO GO B4CK 4ND DO 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT 1T, 4ND W3 H4D 4N 4RMY OF L3TH4L PSYCH1C ROBOTS TO H3LP US **

**GC: 1T 4LL WORK3D OUT 1N TH3 3ND **

**GC: WHY DO YOU TH1NK 1 H4D YOU BUY 4LL THOS3 FR4YMOT1FS? **

**GC: 3V3N 1F YOUR3 NOT QU1T3 WH3R3 JOHN 1S, YOUR3 ST1LL 4 PR3TTY D34DLY W34PON :] **

**TG: ok**

**TG: then cool i guess i can live without wearing a sweet windsock hoodie and making time tornadoes or whatever**

**TG: i was only bugging you about it cause you were being so vague**

**GC: Y3S 1 KNOW **

**GC: 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S B3TT3R TO SHOW YOU WH4T W4S 1NVOLV3D **

**GC: 1TS ON3 TH1NG TO S4Y sup sup terezi help me be a god sup sup sup **

**GC: BUT F4C1NG 1T 1S D1FF3R3NT **

**GC: OUR R4C3 1S NOT 3X4CTLY UNCOMFORT4BL3 1N TH3 PROX1M1TY OF D34TH **

**GC: BUT 1T W4S ST1LL 4 CH4LL3NG3 W3 W3R3NT PR3P4R3D FOR **

**GC: 4ND TH3N **

**GC: J4CK K1LL3D OUR DR34M S3LV3S **

**GC: 4ND 1 GU3SS W3 LOST TH4T CH4NC3 FOR GOOD :[**

**TG: alright then**

**TG: i guess thats enough of this horseshit time to move on right**

**GC: SUR3 **

**GC: 1F YOU R34LLY W4NT TO L34V3 POOR DOOM3D D4V3 H3R3 TO H1S OWN D3V1C3S **

**TG: i dont even want to be around when he wakes up itll be weird and awkward**

**GC: 1 DONT SUPPOS3 1 COULD T4LK YOU 1NTO PUTT1NG H1M OUT OF H1S M1S3RY B4S3D ON TH3 R3SULT OF 4 CO1N FL1P :D **

**TG: no fuck no**

**TG: put your fucking death coin away jesus**

**TG: i am forbidding you from ever flipping that coin again when youre talking to me or even thinking about me**

**GC: F1N3! WOW D4V3 **

**GC: SO TOUCHY 4BOUT 4 S1LLY L1TTL3 CO1N **

**GC: YOUR3 OV3R3ST1M4T1NG 1TS R3L3V4NC3 H3R3 4NYW4Y **

**GC: 1N F4CT **

**GC: 4FT3R 1 FL1PP3D 1T, 1 D1DNT 3V3N LOOK 4T TH3 R3SULT! **

**TG: what you didnt**

**GC: NOP3 **

**GC: D4V3, WHY WOULD 4 BL1ND G1RL LOOK 4T 4 CO1N SH3 C4NT 3V3N S33?**

**GC: 1T DO3SNT M4K3 S3NS3! **

**TG: thats fucking idiotic**

**TG: you could smell a flea off a dogs balls**

**GC: :\ **

**GC: D4V3 S33 **

**GC: TH1S SH1T YOUR3 DO1NG NOW **

**GC: TH1S 1S TH3 GROSS SH1T 1 W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT **

**GC: 1TS NOT 4NYWH3R3 N34R 4S 3ND34R1NG 4S YOU TH1NK 4H4H4H4H4H4 **

**TG: this is bs**

**TG: so ok your coinflip of death was meaningless great to know**

**TG: is there anything else we need to do here**

**TG: i sent you the money i got all the fraymotifs tell me what is there thats left besides you jerking me around**

**TG: probably time we chill out for a while and i get back in sync with my teammates**

**GC: OH Y3S, 1 KNOW **

**GC: YOUV3 GOT SOM3 WORK TO DO, 1 C4N T4K3 4 H1NT 4ND G1V3 YOU SOM3 SP4C3 TO DO 1T :] **

**GC: J4D3 1S GO1NG TO N33D YOUR H3LP ON H3R N1C3 FROST3D M4RSHM4LLOW PL4N3T **

**TG: then i guess thats where ill go**

**GC: 4ND 1F YOU C4N F1ND 1T 1N YOUR COOLK1D H34RT NOT TO ST4Y M4D 4T M3, F33L FR33 TO G3T 1N TOUCH 4NY T1M3 **

**TG: ok**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: im not even actually mad i just**

**TG: i dunno**

**GC: :o **

**TG: i still dont really get what you did**

**TG: was the trick really necessary**

**TG: it sounds like**

**TG: the splitoff was a result of both possible decisions i could have made**

**TG: and had fuckall to do with your coin or randomness or luck**

**GC: 3X4CTLY! **

**GC: S33 YOU DO G3T 1T **

**TG: get what**

**GC: YOU 4SK3D WH4T 1T M34NS TO B3 TH3 S33R OF M1ND **

**TG: yeah**

**TG: and**

**TG: i obviously still dont know**

**GC: OK TH3N 1LL JUST 4SK TH1S **

**GC: HOW MUCH OF YOUR R34L1TY DO YOU TH1NK 1S M4D3 OF WH4TS 1N YOUR M1ND? **

**TG: i dont know sounds like a riddle**

**TG: fuck it ill just say all of it**

**TG: i mean that is the answer right**

**GC: SM4RT4SS :P **

**GC: 1T 1S NOT 4 R1DDL3, 1T 1S 4 S3R1OUS QU3ST1ON, TH3R3 1S 4 B1G D1FF3R3NC3 D4V3 **

**GC: 1F YOU S33 WH4TS 1N YOUR M1ND CL34RLY 4ND UND3RST4ND TH3 POW3R YOUR THOUGHTS H4V3 **

**GC: TH3N YOU UND3RST4ND R34L1TY WH1L3 3V3RYON3 3LS3 1S RUNN1NG 4ROUND CONFUS3D 4ND 4NGRY 4ND UPS3T **

**GC: B3C4US3 TH3Y TH1NK R34L1TY 1S SOM3TH1NG H4PP3N1NG TO TH3M **

**GC: R4TH3R TH4N SOM3TH1NG TH3Y 4R3 M4K1NG 3V3RY MOM3NT W1TH 3V3RY THOUGHT **

**TG: oh ok**

**GC: HOW W3LL DO YOU TH1NK YOU KNOW YOUR M1ND D4V3? **

**TG: really well**

**TG: i know it biblically its an obscene nsfw spectacle**

**GC: H3H3H3 **

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS BUT 1 KNOW 1T 1S PROB4BLY 4 RUD3 JOK3! **

**TG: means my skull is a bucket and my brains a plump fuckgrub**

**GC: GROSS D4V3 1S GROSS! **

**GC: BUT 1 KN3W TH4T TOO **

**GC: 1 KNOW YOUR M1ND B3TT3R TH4N YOU **

**TG: oh do you**

**GC: 1 4M NOT PSYCH1C, BUT 1 H4V3 TH3 S1GHT S33RS 4R3 M34NT TO H4V3**

**GC: 1T W4S MY ROL3 TO H4V3 1T **

**GC: TO T4LK TO P3OPL3 4ND S33 TH3 TUNN3LS 4ND VORT1C3S 1N TH31R M1NDS 4ND TO UND3RST4ND TH3 R34L1T13S TH3Y WOULD CR34T3 1F THOS3 THOUGHTS L34D TO 4CT1ON **

**GC: FOR MY 3N3M13S, 1 W4S M34NT TO BR1NG 4BOUT TH3 1NH3R3NT R3TR1BUT1ON FLOW1NG FROM TH3 R34L1TY M4D3 BY TH31R OWN 3V1L THOUGHTS **

**GC: 4ND FOR MY FR13NDS, TO PROT3CT TH3M FROM TH31R T3ND3NCY TO UND3R3ST1M4T3 TH3 POW3R TH31R CONFUS1ON H4S OV3R TH31R F4T3 **

**GC: TO K33P TH3M OUT OF TROUBL3, D4V3 :] **

**TG: is that what you were doing just now**

**GC: M4YB3 1 W4S! **

**GC: YOU N3V3R KNOW, S33RS 4R3 NOTOR1OUSLY CRYPT1C 1N TH31R W4YS **

**TG: yeah no fuck**

**GC: 4NYW4Y, 1TS B33N FUN D4V3 **

**GC: 1TS B33N SO FUN B3C4US3 **

**GC: TH3 MOR3 P3OPL3 TRY TO H1D3 **

**GC: TH3 MOR3 TH3Y SHOW M3 **

**GC: SO 1 GU3SS TH4TS HOW 1 KNOW **

**GC: 1 L1K3 YOU SO MUCH :D **

**TG: man**

**TG: you are just**

**TG: some kind of knowitall arent you**

**TG: what else do you know**

**GC: HMM **

**GC: 1 KNOW SOM3 V3RY 1MPORT4NT TH1NGS **

**TG: like**

**GC: 1 KNOW TH4T YOU W3R3 ON TO SOM3TH1NG WH3N YOU S41D LUCK W4SNT 1NVOLV3D W1TH TH3 CO1N FL1P **

**TG: yeah because**

**TG: you didnt even look**

**TG: it was like**

**TG: schrodingers fucking coin**

**TG: and then**

**TG: it turned into schrodingers fucking dave**

**GC: R1CKY SCHROD1NG3R? **

**TG: yeah**

**GC: W3LL Y3S, TH4T M4Y B3 TRU3, BUT 3V3N SO 1 DO KNOW TH4T LUCK 1S 4 V3RY R34L TH1NG! **

**GC: FORTUN3 1S TH3 3SS3NC3 OF L1GHT, 4ND 1T SH1N3S ON THOS3 WHOV3 M4ST3R3D 1T **

**GC: BUT 1 KNOW SOM3TH1NG MOR3 1MPORT4NT TH4N TH1S **

**GC: 1T 1S 4 B1G S3CR3T **

**GC: M4YB3 TH3 B1GG3ST 4ND MOST 1MPORT4NT S3CR3T OF 4LL **

**TG: what**

**GC: LUCK DO3SNT 4CTU4LLY M4TT3R 8]**

Vriska lay dead on the ground of LOMAT. Her blood was splattered everywhere. Tavros crawled over to her.

THIS IS IT RUNT the voice in Tavros's head said.

HERES YER CHANCE

KISS HER Tavros puckered his lips and moved his face nearer to hers. He began to let loose some of his breath power. After all, he was the Page of Breath.

KISS THAT GIRL YOU WIMP Suddenly, Tavros's hand reached out and grabbed ahold of his own neck. He began to choke.

AW FER CRYING OUT LOUD

YOU MAKE ME SAD RUNT

JUST SHAKING MY HEAD HERE

THATS IT

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I GOT TO STOP PLAYING GAMES FER GIRLS

YER ON YER OWN RUNT

And then the voice was gone. Tavros's hand reached out and scrawled a message in Vriska's blood.

**Oh, now you want to kiss me?** his hand wrote. Tavros shook with fear. **Little l8, don't you think?**

**Save your 8reath, page. I 8n't dead just yet. 8esides….. Plenty of time for that l8r :::;)**

Tavros's hand dragged him over to a nearby rock. **Pick me up. Need to get somewhere fast. Are you ready to flyyyyyyyy, Pupa?**

Tavros picked Vriska's body up and carried her in his rocket to her Quest Cocoon. They flew inside and the boy placed her body on a pedestal with a symbol of a sun on it. The symbol of Light. Tavros held up his lance.

**I won't make you do it,** Tavros's hand wrote with Vriska's blood. **This is up to you. Here's your chance!**

**8ut do it fast, ok? Please don't make me 8leed to death slowly.**

On Prospit, Terezi looked over at Vriska, who was apparently convincing Tavros to kill her.

"Thief," came Snowman's voice. "Why not take control."

**NO!** Tavros's hand wrote. The boy shriveled up his nose in confusion. **This is his decision. I know he can do it.**

**Tavros, hurry up!** She made him write. Tavros bent over Vriska's body on the pedestal. He could do it. He just couldn't!

**KILL ME**, Vriska had Tavros write on her forehead.

**K8LL M8**, Vriska had Tavros write on his own forehead.

"Steal his will," Snowman said. "It is what a thief does. End this."

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DO IT YO8 COW8RD K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8 K8LL M8**

Diamonds Droog switched to the 4th screen, showing Tavros.

_Take her out_, he typed as Tavros wrote the letter "A" over and over again, fingers moving unnervingly fast.

_You're making a mess, junior,_ he said. Vriska's blood was slowly being replaced by Tavros's as her blood began to run out.

_Finish her._ Tavros looked down at his hands, which were covered in his own and Vriska's blood.

_Watcha waiting for._

_What are you._ Tavros began to cry, holding his head as orange tears flowed from his eyes.

_Some kind of wimp. _Tavros flew off as the Quest Cocoon exploded. He covered his hands with his eyes; blue and orange blood and tears were all over him. Nearby, a mysterious arm jutted out of a blue portal, but no one cared anymore, because that was fairly commonplace throughout all sessions. In any case, Tavros didn't notice.

Dream Vriska disappeared. Terezi looked at where she'd been questioningly.

But it had worked. The Thief of Light finally rose up. She wore an orange butterfly costume with the symbol of Light on the front. Her hood had two arbitrary buttons at the top and two wisps hung down from the back of it.

Snowman's screen went black as Vriska died and she disappeared with her whip from the console room.

WV stared at the screen dumbfoundedly. The windy boy was dead. The tragedy was overwhelming. All hope was lost. Oh well, it was time to get out of this tin can! He pressed the escape key on the keyboard.

The door began to raise, but before it was significantly up above the floor, it jammed and stayed where it was. Oh, right. The station was out of power. The Mayor had forgotten about that!

Of course, he still had his secret treasure, the ring. But it would almost certainly prove to be of no use to him in this dilemma whatsoever. It clearly served no significant purpose other than to be pretty, and to make his hand glowy. Back in the sleeve of his trusty knife it went.

Oh yeah, there was another thing he'd forgotten about! He'd eaten a delicious green nuclear rock earlier in the day, even though it felt like it had been more than a year before. He guessed there was nothing to do but wait it out.


	103. Book 7 Chapter 9: Ahab's Crosshairs

Chapter 9: Ahab's Crosshairs

Jade sat on her Alchemiter, preparing for the imminent windfall. Ugh… there was Karkat again, bothering her. He was so impatient. Didn't he realize how time-consuming it was preparing for the holidays? He was just going to have to hold his stupid angry alien space horses.

Wait… she'd almost forgotten. It was still April, and nowhere near the holiday season. She guessed all this wintry weather had tricked her into thinking it was.

But wait! Even _that_ didn't make any sense, since it had never snowed on Jade's island, and she'd never been able to connect snow with the holiday season. Boy, was she confused.

But she'd always wanted a white Christmas, and dammit, that was what she was going to have, even though it was April, and even though she was going to give all these presents to herself, and even though Jesus Christ was no longer a relevant figure to celebrate on account of the annihilation of humanity! Oh, shut up, Karkat.

Jade drew a crappy Christmas tree and produced the Kringlefucker, which cost -10,000 artifact grist.

**TG: yes perfect**

**GG: it is the prettiest tree i have ever seen!**

**TG: ok im going to torrent you another like negative billion artifact grists**

**GG: ok great!**

**GG: everything about that makes total sense**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: now draw the conksuckiest boot you ever drew**

**GG: ok**

Jade drew a conksuck boot, which cost -100 artifact grist.

**GG: is this conksucky enough**

**TG: its the conksuckiest piece of fucking shit that ever still somehow qualified as a boot**

**GG: 3**

**TG: you just know imigrants were responsible**

**GG: well...**

**GG: i am not even sure if i am technically a u.s. citizen!**

**TG: yeah see what i mean**

Jade placed the boot as a stocking on the mantle and the Kringlefucker she put in the corner and decorated with her rambunctious fruits. and the night before christmas….. and all through then house….. not a creature… enter Geromy… GOD BLESS US EVERYBODY

Okay. That was enough SBAHJ for a while. Jade had put a lot of thought into this alchemization thing and she had some great ideas. But first she would like to make something practical. Something to keep her warm in this chilly weather!

She &amp;&amp; combined Rose's headband with… some sort of fluffy ball she'd drawn? She ended up with a "fluffy ball plus headband" which had the headband over the fluffy ball as if the ball was a head. Yeah, not really working. Also for some reason, this pointless thing had been absurdly expensive for some reason.

She decided to just draw a pair of earmuffs and alchemize them. There we go! Cost only 2 build grist. Jade &amp;&amp; combined the earmuffs and her lunchtop to make the lunchmuffs! Finally, an easy hands-free computing device that kept her ears warm and looked amazing to boot!

She figured as long as she had the lunchtop card handy now, having captchalogued it, she might as well try to do something with this dumb robot ghost image she'd accidentally drawn once. Apparently the robot was Johnny 5, but she didn't know what that was. After all, she'd never seen _Short Circuit_.

She &amp;&amp; combined the Johnny 5 image with her lunchtop to make the Johnnytop. Finally, a difficult to use hands-on computing solution that did nothing but roll around of his own accord while talking about his emotions and reading books fast! FINALLY!

She decided to cut to the chase and do something that would have indisputably cool results. She went to one of the stairwell rooms and carefully observed a suit of Iron Man armor while she sketched it. She had secret wondered many times whether her Grandpa had actually been Iron Man in his younger years. It would explain so many things, including why this armor was here.

Finally, when she had its ghost image, she &amp;&amp; combined it with her outfit to make an Iron Lass suit! It was quite stylish, but maybe a bit cumbersome for casual wear. Probably only good for special occasions. If she was going to adopt a new regular outfit, she'd prefer something a little comfier and less ostentatious, and if possible, a little less in flagrant violation of copyright laws.

Jade sketched one of her Grandpa's silly sun-bleached blue lady portraits. He would be so proud. She &amp;&amp; combined it with her regular outfit to make the Dress of Eclectica. This was so much better.

Jade wanted to combine Rose's magic ball and her own magic cue ball. However, she'd lost her magic cue ball in the explosion, so she'd have to draw it and hope her modus knew what she was getting at. She'd been dying to see its predictions, and she thought she was on to something here!

Sadly, the Pictionary modus interpreted the circle as a boring and useless magic 8 ball. Oh well, she guessed she'd do it anyway. She &amp;&amp; combined Rose's crystal ball and the 8 ball to make a transparent magic 8 ball! She could now see inside, and watch the dark water sloshing about the cavity in the globe. The predictions seemed kind of lame when she could see all the other possibilities tumbling around in there. It kind of made the fortune feel irrelevant.

Jade then &amp;&amp; combined Rose's crystal ball and her glasses to make the Sooth Specs. Now she could see everything, albeit through a dizzying fisheye filter.

She then &amp;&amp; combined the Sooth Specs with her lunchtop to make the Junior Compu-Sooth Spectagoggles! She could never have too many cool computers.

She grabbed one of her Grandpa's softest trophies and &amp;&amp; combined it with her lunchtop and | | combined it with her wardrobified shirt to make a really stylish warm fuzzy squiddlejacket that she wore over her Dress of Eclectica.

She did the exact same thing with her shoes to make the squiddlesneaks. The jacket and shoes were also computers. Now she'd never be caught without a computer, ever.

Jade was suddenly feeling more fashionable than any kid in Paradox Space. All of the style belonged to her. All of it. The only thing left to do was make herself deadlier.

She &amp;&amp; combined Dave's Midnight Crew poster and one of her rifles to make a Girl's Best Friend! Pew pew pew!

Jade looked at her sylladex. She still had a Charles Dutton ghost image she'd accidentally made. She… she was not sure what to do with this gentleman, if anything. Oh well, when in doubt, squiddle it!

She combined the ghost image with a squiddle to make a duttle. The duttle was weirding her out a little. She believed she'd keep her distance from the duttle.

She put the leering duttle out of her mind and tried to sketch one of the pieces of equipment from her destroyed room to the best of her recollection. Hopefully it worked, so she could try making something sweet.

It did. She &amp;&amp; combined her rifle with the Iron Lass suit and | | combined it with the particle accelerator to make a huge kickass proton cannon! Obviously she could wield this weapon while wearing her Iron Lass suit.

Or would, if she'd been able to afford the thing! Dave had turbo-torrented her a lot of grist, but she didn't have _that_ much.

She decided to make another outfit. She combined one of her grandpa's mummies with her standard outfit and the Midnight Crew poster to make the Dead Shuffle Dress. The bottom of the dress was ripped into long strips of cloth. While wearing this outfit, she felt almost as if she'd been ripped straight from the animes!

She then &amp;&amp; combined her green sun bedsheets with the Girl's Best Friend to make the Green Sun Streetsweeper! Aw yeah!

Ok, how about one more outfit. Outfits were the best, Jade thought. She combined the Dress of Eclectica, Dave's poster of The Felt, and an 8 ball to make the Three in the Morning Dress. It was entirely black and covered with little white dots like space. So fancy. She could not imagine wearing it on anything other than super special occasions. Not to mention she'd freeze her ass off in this thing!

Jade still had a mecha ghost image she'd made a while ago, by accident as usual. Might as well throw a bunch of crazy shit together and see what sort of insane loot crops up. So she combined it with the Green Sun Sweetsweeper and Iron Lass suit to make… the suspense was almost too much. She made…

Johnny 5. God dammit. Motherfucker thought he was alive. HE IS A TIN CAN, ROBOT'S DON'T HAVE FEELINGS!

Jade &amp;&amp; combined Charles Dutton and her sooth specs to make the Dutton Bubble Goggles. She could see into eternity. Forever. Ok that was enough.

All of her computers lit up at once as some douchebag started hassling her, whoever this douchebag might be. She'd have to remember to keep most of these computers turned off.

**\- caligulasAquarium ****[CA]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**CA: noww that youre done makin all that pointless rubbish**

**CA: ivve got somethin wway more wworth your wwhile**

**GG: which one were you again?**

**GG: wait**

**GG: werent you the guy who was always trying to hit on me?**

**CA: that couldvve been anyone**

**CA: lets not get distracted by your sad league of suitors and their flushed desperations**

**CA: im offerin you the edge here**

**CA: in your rivvalry wwith the other female**

**GG: uh...**

**CA: wwevve got the same abstratus**

**CA: and i dont need this thing anymore**

**CA: since i became more powwerful than you could evver imagine as a mighty wwizard of wwhite science**

**CA: so you might as wwell take it and settle your score wwith that awwful wwitch**

**GG: but**

**GG: im the wwitch!**

**GG: i mean witch**

**CA: yeah ok the seer then if you wwant to be dealin wwith technicalities**

**GG: rose?**

**GG: i do not have a score to settle with rose!**

**GG: why would you think that?**

**CA: oh**

**CA: wwell fuck**

**CA: suppose i wwas guessin it wwas natural to presume somesuch relation like that betwween the twwo a you**

**GG: i think you are projecting your own attitude on to others**

**GG: just because you tend to hate and/or hit on everyone you meet doesnt mean everyone else is that way**

**GG: rose just sent me a code for a crystal ball, shes my friend and is basically the best!**

**CA: oh i see so she shared her "magic secrets" wwith you then**

**CA: its probably a trap i wwouldnt trust her**

**CA: she is a cunnin and treacherous sort trust me i knoww her type**

**GG: wait do you have a thing for her too?**

**GG: did she reject you or something?**

**CA: you are slingin around such a bloody mess of slander wwith these accusations**

**CA: you wwouldnt understand anywway**

**CA: its already been painfully established you people cant get your shalloww think pans under the majesty of our quadrants**

**GG: :|**

**CA: if you must knoww things betwween us wwere gettin pretty bellicose and im pretty sure she wwas wwaxin as obsidian for me as a human got it in em to do**

**CA: and if not for the interdimensional divvide keepin us apart honestly i dont doubt our rivvalry could be brewwin outright pitch**

**GG: uh huh...**

**CA: but the thing is i need a rivval wwho can pose me a challenge**

**CA: and frankly shes not evven fit for holdin my cape anymore**

**CA: at this point i find all her adorable black pixie dabblins to be prime kiddie playtime shit**

**CA: all of her FRAUDULENT MAGICS cannot come close to posin threat to my mastery ovver the TRUEST SCIENCES**

**CA: an wwith my empiricists wwand i servve as the righteous hope that wwill incinerate delusion and the deluded alike**

**CA: my holy fire is the wwhite fury bled from the wwrath-wweary eyes of fifty thousand nonfictional angels**

**CA: and wwhen theyre finished wweepin they wwill boww before their prince**

**GG: wow what are you talking about**

**CA: so really you should be honored to inherit my old callin**

**CA: both my armaments and my feud**

**CA: itll be wwitch against wwitch**

**CA: a real one vvs an impostor**

**CA: faker one dies**

**GG: hey look at that, time for me to get going!**

**CA: oh wwill you just take the fuckin gun already**

**GG: no i dont want it!**

**CA: its a wway more powwerful wweapon than any of that crap you made**

**CA: its a legendary relic wwithout equal**

**GG: more like a legendary piece of shit!**

**CA: youre bein needlessly fuckin stubborn about this im doin you a fuckin favvor here**

**GG: yes but i dont like you very much and i feel really icky about accepting a present from you**

**CA: if you accept it this is the last ill evver be botherin you about anythin ok**

**GG: siiigh**

**GG: fine**

**CA: FFFFFFWW**

**GG: what?**

**CA: thats the code**

**GG: oh…**

Jade punched the code in the Punch Designix and produced Ahab's Crosshairs.

**GG: hmmm...**

**GG: i have seen this before**

**CA: howws that possible**

**CA: its a one of a kind wweapon plundered from an alternian ghost ship**

**GG: i am very sure its the same rifle included with johns present**

**GG: but...**

**GG: bigger of course**

**CA: probably a cheap imitation of the original**

**CA: uh**

**CA: kind of like that one there is**

**CA: so theres your answwer stable loops ahoy**

**CA: noww enjoy the utter fuckin domination it affords**

**GG: yes but...**

**GG: i did not provide the weapons!**

**GG: my penpal did**

**CA: wwhos that**

**GG: the guy who helps me build the present**

**GG: we worked on it together but he supplied the bunnys weapons**

**GG: im pretty sure hes from the future!**

**CA: wwhy**

**GG: because he said hes my grandson**

**CA: wwhat the fuck is a grandson**

**CA: is that some kind of pervverse human familial thing**

**GG: umm yes**

**CA: nevvermind then your procreational biologistics make my fins curl in distaste**

**GG: oh no!**

**GG: aaaaa please dont tell anyone i told you about him!**

**GG: augh how could i let that slip to you of all people**

**CA: settle dowwn jade youre radically underestimatin the amount of shit i dont givve about this**

**CA: ill havve you knoww this is the last time im plannin on talkin to any human**

**CA: i got bigger ships to sink and soon wwhen im good and ready me and my luminous fuckin science stick havve got a date wwith jack noir**

**CA: AND NO NOT THAT KIND OF DATE GIVVE ME A LITTLE FUCKIN CREDIT**

**GG: wow ok!**

**GG: i wasnt going to say anything**

**CA: wwhys this matter so hush hush anywway**

**GG: he didnt want me to tell my friends who he really was**

**GG: i guess maybe he was concerned about upsetting the timeline? i dunno**

**CA: wwell maybe he didnt wwanna disrupt wwhatevver disgustin sequence of evvents wwas responsible for his spawwnin in the first place**

**GG: maybe!**

**GG: i have wondered about that, assuming he is right...**

**GG: he was so nice, and it really did feel like i was talking to family, so i really dont think he was making it up**

**GG: i couldnt help but try to imagine his parents...**

**GG: and more interestingly...**

**GG: his grandfather :O**

**GG: i still wonder who it could be...**

**GG: although i guess at this point**

**GG: the options are pretty limited :o**

**CA: ok i think im startin to feel ill talkin about things makin me fathom pink wwigglers comin out a your owwn personal torso**

**CA: so change a fuckin subject**

**CA: that gun i just gavve you is somethin of a hatchright to the kid**

**CA: happy i could play a role in your dirty stinkin lineage**

**GG: like an heirloom? i guess it could be**

**GG: do you even have those? if you dont have parents how could you?**

**CA: no wwe dont knoww our direct forebears and im pretty sure any attempt to seek out or evven inquire about the supplier of your genes wwould be a fine wway to get yourself killed**

**CA: but wwevve got our lore and it says wwe all got indivvidual ancestors wwho contribute to most of our genes abovve and beyond wwhat the grubs slurry does**

**GG: ewwwwwwww**

**CA: oh shut up**

**CA: anywway a lot of us believve wwere meant to trace the footsteps of those ancestors evven though wwe can nevver knoww em**

**CA: and on that journey wwe can come across belongings they once had cause wwe wwere hatched to find em and finish their wwork**

**CA: i kinda think thats wwhy i found the gun in the first place**

**CA: but noww im forsakin it because fuck i just found a better destiny than my old crappy one wwhich i nevver got any appreciation for anywway**

**GG: hmmmm**

**GG: then maybe that is how this heirloom should work**

**CA: wwhat do you mean**

**GG: well i dont want to use it!**

**CA: aww man come on**

**GG: so ill just dump it outside the house with the trash**

**GG: and if it is fated to find my penpal one day then so be it!**

**CA: god damn it**

**CA: its like you people go out of your wway to think a howw to disrespect me**

**GG: maybe you should have been nicer to me!**

**GG: in any case i dont appreciate the spirit in which the gift was given so this is what i will do!**

**CA: fine fuck it wwhat do i care**

**CA: this has been a completely flippin useless exchange as havve they all been wwith your species**

**CA: and for the record**

**CA: evven though i said that stuff about bein fated to find my gun**

**CA: fate isnt real**

**CA: its a lot of FAKE FUCKIN HORSEFEATHERS**

**CA: noww go and be cleansed by the light of truth purity nonfakeness hope and abovve all SCIENCE**

**gardenGnostic's** **johnnytop exploded.**

Jade had thrown the legendary piece of shit outside along with the johnnytop she'd been conversing with Eridan on. The johnnytop had exploded upon impact.


	104. Book 7 Chapter 10: TMICIH

Chapter 10: The Most Important Character in Homestuck

10 hours and 25 minutes before the critical moment, the twelve trolls stood around the newly-destroyed doorway to the ultimate reward and then thrown into the rift by Aradiabot.

6 hours and 12 minutes before the critical moment, Jack Noir destroyed the trolls' Prospit.

5 hours and 12 minutes before the critical moment, Karkat woke up.

4 hours and 13 minutes before the critical moment, six of the trolls were on their computers. Feferi slept in the horn pile while Gamzee conversed with Vriska, and Nepeta slept as well. They both dreamt of Derse.

One of the trolls on their computer was Sollux and another Aradia.

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**AA: hi**

**TA: hii?**

**AA: i guess i sh0uld say s0mething**

**AA: bef0re i g0**

**TA: aradiia, ii am riight glubbiing here, liike two feet away from you.**

**TA: iif you want two 2ay 2omethiing two me why don't you ju2t turn two your left and 2ay iit, iit'2 bad enough that you've hardly 2aiid two lou2y word2 two me 2iince you became that 2weaty a22hole'2 2moochbot.**

**AA: i kn0w**

**AA: but this is hard f0r me**

**TA: how ii2 iit hard.**

**TA: you are a tiin can, robot2 don't have feeliing2.**

**AA: n0 thats n0t true**

**TA: ok then, what ii2 iit.**

**AA: s0rry ab0ut everything**

**AA: and all the bad luck y0uve had**

**AA: y0u didnt deserve it**

**AA: i have t0 g0 n0w**

**TA: what, where are you goiing?**

**AA: im n0t sure**

**TA: er, cool ii gue22?**

**AA: anyway thats it**

**TA: waiit.**

**TA: you mean for good, wiill ii see you agaiin?**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w that either**

**AA: but i guess if y0u d0**

**AA: pr0bably n0t with y0ur eyes**

**TA: what the hell i2 that 2uppo2ed two mean?**

**AA: i think y0ull be 0k with it th0ugh**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: i wish**

**AA: i c0uld s0meh0w make that em0tic0n smile**

**AA: 0u0**

**AA: n0 that l00ks stupid**

**AA: 0h well**

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **ceased trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

Aradiabot turned and hugged Sollux. Then she stepped back and botsploded. Her robotic head flew across the room. Equius and Nepeta were thrown backwards.

Sollux took his glasses off and allowed the tears to stream down his face. If Aradia had been there then, she would have wanted him to turn his **0**_**0** into a **0**u**0**. No, wait. That looked stupid. Oh well.

3 hours and 14 minutes before the critical moment, Terezi was leaning on her elbows and watching her screen.

The doomed Dave in a green plush suit woke up on his Quest Bed. He had not risen to god tier. He stepped off the bed and pestered Terezi.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering gallowsCalibrator ****[GC]** **\- **

**TG: well that was apparently pointless**

**TG: now what**

**TG: hello**

**TG: terezi**

**TG: whats up**

**GC: :[**

Dave heard a sound behind him and turned. Bec Noir stood there, sword in hand. Before Dave could do anything, Bec slashed his head off.

Tears welled up in Terezi's eyes. Behind her, Karkat watched disconcertedly and poked her gently, but Terezi pushed him away hard and absconded from the room via the Transportalizer.

Jade decided to employ the Junior Compu-Sooth Spectagoggles. They made a fortune to make, so in her mind they had better do something awesome. And it turned out they did! The sophisticated computing technology combined with the crystal ball provided a simple way to see anything currently going on in the Incipisphere. How amazing was that? As the Witch of Space, Jade figured it was about time that she got better acquainted with the full breadth of her domain, which was to say, all physical locations.  
She viewed John. There he was! On The Battlefield, no less! That was a pretty cute outfit he had on. She wondered what he'd done to make it.

She also wondered why he wasn't answering her messages. Did he even have a computer on him? He should try to have more foresight, and carry no less than 5 computers on him at all times, like a sensible person.

Next Jade viewed Rose. There she was! What was she doing on the lava planet? She'd seemed awfully preoccupied when they'd spoken just moments ago and she'd given Jade the code for the crystal ball. She wondered who could be talking to.

Next she viewed Dave. According to the Spectagoggles there were 13 Daves scattered around the Incipisphere, including Davesprite. That was an absolutely preposterous amount of Daves. She guessed Davesprite was the one prototyped by his future self that John had been telling her about? Dave sure was a clever guy. Might as well have a look…

She attempted to view Davesprite, but the goggles zeroed in on a pendant. Which was… covered in blood? She turned to view to see Bro on the ground, dead. "Oh no!" she yelled out loud. It seemed that Dave was no longer too cool to have any dead family members. Jade frowned. This was so sad!

Hang on… the Davecount suddenly dropped from 13 to 12. Maybe one of them had time-traveled away? She hoped it didn't mean what she thought it… "OH NOOOOO!" Jade screamed as she saw the dead body of the green plush suited Dave. Jade decided to pester one of the other Daves about it.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **\- **

**GG: dave!**

**GG: any dave out there please listen!**

**TG: this is a dave out there whats up**

**GG: dave i just saw you, and you were dead!**

**GG: you were in a green suit and covered in blood, oh god it was terrible :(**

**GG: if that was a future dave you have to make sure that doesnt happen!**

**TG: it wasnt a future dave he was from a while ago**

**GG: oh**

**GG: i am confused :o**

**TG: sorry you had to see that**

**TG: but dont worry it was just a doomed dave no big deal really**

**TG: i was swindled into splitting time paths along the way and that guy got the dead end of the stick**

**TG: ill be fine**

**GG: ok...**

**GG: i am still not sure i get that!**

**GG: but i guess i am relieved?**

**TG: yes you are go ahead and be relieved**

**GG: wheeeew! there i just was**

**TG: nice**

**GG: how did that poor dave die?**

**GG: was it jack?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: hes pretty much the guy in charge of random teleportation murders right now**

**GG: D:**

**GG: what about your...**

**GG: um...**

**GG: oh no i dont even know if you know about this**

**TG: what**

**TG: my bro**

**TG: yeah jack killed him too**

**GG: ;_;**

**GG: is it something you would like to talk about**

**TG: not much to talk about**

**TG: this is some pretty serious existence threatening shit going down and some people are going to die i guess**

**TG: even crazy hard dudes like my bro slash weird covert biological ghost dad**

**GG: ghost dad?**

**TG: yeah roses too**

**TG: i thought john filled you in on the ectobiology stuff**

**GG: oh...**

**GG: yes he mentioned something about it**

**GG: i guess i didnt realize its full implications...**

**GG: but time was short when we talked!**

**TG: bottom line is were all related slimewise except you and me and him and rose pairways respectively**

**TG: makes the shipping chart pretty simple here hang on while i dig up that piece of shit karkat made**

**TG: where the fuck did that thing go**

**TG: fuck it never mind**

**TG: just imagine something ugly made by a jackass**

**GG: ugh i forgot i still have to get back to him**

**GG: its like a big unpleasant chore hanging over my head D:**

**TG: i guess**

**GG: anyway dave im really sorry about your bro/dad**

**GG: you were pretty close with him right?**

**TG: meh it was a pretty bizarre relationship by any standard**

**TG: fightin off wave after wave of face pumicing puppet ass every day**

**TG: always being on guard for stealth attacks in the middle of the night while getting up to go to the fucking bathroom**

**GG: heheh**

**TG: but i guess it all sorta amounted to some vague unspoken semblance of kinship**

**TG: if thats a thing**

**TG: like if honor among thieves is something then lets call it camaraderie among ironic rapping roof ninjas**

**TG: but thanks**

**GG: sure**

**TG: i thought about taking his sword**

**TG: when i was there**

**TG: but i couldnt**

**TG: couldnt really bring myself to try to pull it out it was too weird**

**GG: dave we have to stop him!**

**TG: what**

**GG: jack!**

**GG: he shouldnt get away with this**

**TG: you think**

**GG: yes**

**GG: why dont you stop jumping around through time like a maniac and stop being like a hundred daves all the time and come to my house so we can make a plan to kill him?**

**TG: well id like to**

**TG: but im still trapped in the chronologistics of this fuckin one man ballet**

**TG: there are loops outstanding and if i step out of line you get to see more bloody daves**

**TG: im getting pretty sick of it but i think itll be over soon**

**TG: then ill break out and ride linear the rest of the way i think**

**TG: once its time to put the end game in motion**

**TG: til then youre on your own for a while**

**GG: oh :(**

**TG: besides we cant beat him**

**TG: look what he did to bro and davesprite together**

**TG: im at the top of my echeladder with all the fraymotifs and i stand no chance**

**TG: johns even better than that even though he doesnt know it at the moment**

**TG: and he stands no chance either**

**TG: only thing we can do is hold out until the scratch**

**GG: what is the scratch?**

**TG: guess i shouldnt really say**

**TG: since you sort of lead the way in making that plan**

**GG: really?**

**TG: yeah well**

**TG: suffice to say**

**TG: if we cant beat him**

**TG: all we can really do is exile him to a place where he cant teleport back**

**TG: which hopefully buys us some time**

**TG: to try to take out his power source in a crazy suicide mission**

**GG: hmmmm...**

**GG: so was that like a hint?**

**GG: about what im supposed to do :D**

**TG: kinda**

**GG: well maybe im just being naive...**

**GG: but a crazy suicide mission does not sound like the ideal solution to me!**

**GG: are you suuuure we cant beat him?**

**GG: i dont know if we should rule it out!**

**TG: well**

**TG: youre about to do what youre about to do**

**TG: and im not going to tell you not to**

**TG: i wont do the bullshit troll thing and tell you what youre going to do and then just dare you not to**

**TG: while knowing damn well you will anyway**

**TG: so ill just say**

**TG: whats next is up to you**

**TG: and if later you want to talk about it**

**TG: im here**

**GG: ok**

**GG: thanks dave!**

Jade had to do whatever she was about to do, but she didn't know what she was about to do. She had to do something, whatever it was. She couldn't stand by and let that monster teleport-murder people all day, and frankly, the suicide plan Dave had mentioned sounded just plain stupid. There had to be a better way! Think, imagination.

She suddenly remembered the idea her awkward fairy god troll had proposed. Maybe she'd been too hard on him. He'd just been trying to be nice, and it had been an honest mistake when he'd slaughtered her grandfather ghost dad with his own childhood flintlock pistol. Maybe she should give his plan another chance.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering adiosToreador ** **\- **

**GG: hey tavros!**

**GG: i was thinking about your plan**

**GG: about uh...**

**GG: "communing" with my lusus :)**

**GG: maybe its not a bad idea!**

**GG: are you there?**

**GG: hmm, i guess you are off doing something else**

**GG: oh well, hope youre doing ok...**

**GG: talk to you later!**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased pestering adiosToreador ** **-**

Tavros had been lying at the bottom of the stairs next to his lance, struggling to haul himself to his feet.

Jade couldn't afford to wait around for Tavros. This left the only other plan she could think of. One of last resort. Maybe it was for the best this way. Who better to trust for the job? Jade prepared a piece of steak to summon her royal lusus she meant dog.

She went upstairs to spooky old laboratory. She didn't come here often. Huh? For a split second she thought she'd seen something flash on the fenestrated wall there. Some orange guy with horns? Probably just her mind playing tricks on her. She'd never had any idea what the thing was for.

Jade summoned Becsprite, who came quickly at the promise of irradiated steak. He was such a good boy, and truly the best friend a girl could ever hope was sure going to miss him.

She tossed the steak in Bec's mouth and then threw her dream self next for the last prototyping. There was a burst of first guardian energy and Jadesprite was created.

**JADE: hello!**

**JADE: ummmmmm**

**JADE: jade?**

**JADE: can you talk?**

**JADESPRITE: i...**

**JADE: oh good!**

**JADE: hehehe, i was starting to get worried there**

**JADESPRITE: what did you do…**

**JADESPRITE: what did you do?**

Another burst of first guardian energy almost knocked Jade over. She covered her eyes.

**JADESPRITE: WHAT DID YOU DO?**

The energy emanated from the entire tower and to all of LOFAF.

**JADESPRITE: WHAT DID YOU DO?!**

Elsewhere, while a timer counted down with no particular clock stepping forward to claim it, the most important character in Homestuck fondly regarded the miracle of a new beginning. This character's face was scratched with dark purple streaks of blood across it.


	105. Book 7 Chapter 11: Not Lord English

Alright everyone, sorry I haven't updated in so long (AGAIN) and that I'm too lazy to post more than just one chapter, but I've been working on plenty of other stuff, such as a bandcamp! All of the music I put on there is free to listen and download so you should check it out. I would provide the link here, but I can't because of the site rules, so just look up "3277 bandcamp" and it will be the first thing that comes up. I warn you in advance that although it is free, it IS copyrighted, so no passing off my music as your own or I will hunt you down and [SPOILERS] whack you with a broom until you become a lifeless puppet [END SPOILERS]

Cheers and happy Hussie recap!

-Morn

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Chapter 11: Not Lord English

The pillar holding Grandpa Harley's laboratory up collapsed as Jadesprite unintentionally destroyed it in her distress. The lab fell, bounced on the already desecrated atrium, and landed in the snow, where it snowballed downhill. Jade, Jadesprite, and the stuffed dog that had also been in the attic, tumbled around and around. By the time they stopped, the snowball around the lab had grown gigantic.

Inside the laboratory, sarcophagi and a porcelain shark statue lay ruined on the ground. Jade was stuck behind a sarcophagus, Harley the stuffed dog was tilted over, and Jadesprite hovered away from them, bawling her eyes out.

The fenestrated wall was on. Through it could be seen a library of sorts, with elaborate busts on the shelves and latin proverbs around the ceiling.

It was there that Lord English decided to reveal himself. **BEHOLD!** He wore a green jacket with spinning lines on it - the Cairo Overcoat. His shoes were green with even darker green stripes on them. His suit under his jacket was green with a green bowtie and green buttons.

Andrew Hussie turned out not to be Lord English.

"What are you, a fucking idiot?" I asked. "Of course I'm not Lord English. How dumb would that be." I lifted my hands up. "Jesus, this coat is huge. I am swimming in this garish piece of shit. Would _anybody_ fit in this thing?"

I took the Cairo Overcoat off and placed it so that it covered the fenestrated wall. It would be a real shame to spoil the girls' little moment with this nonsense. I stepped back. That was better.

I retired to my heavily processed photograph of Andrew Carnegie's study, painstakingly retrieved from a google image search.

Ms. Paint stood in the back of the room but she came out to greet me when I arrived. She was wearing a Three in the Morning Dress and a little pink hat on her white carapacian head. In her hand was a bucket of green paint.

"Ms. Paint," I said, patting her on the head, "you are doing a wonderful job. Thank you. It was very thoughtful of you to switch the layer mode of your coat of paint to the overlay setting, so it would not obscure the details of Mr. Carnegie's lavish rom."

Ms. Paint nodded and left the room. She was one classy Prospitian lady. She was the model of grace and beauty. I was always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carried her pail around like that.

He spun to look at Cal where he sat on the couch amidst a bunch of 8 balls and a miniaturized version of Dave's puppet tux, another of which I had worn as my suit when I was pretending to be Lord English. This lazy sack of crap made me sick to my stomach.

"Cal, god damn it," I said. "We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and made them alternate rapidly. This insubordination is putting me in a fowl mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies."

Cal said nothing so I turned to my old Underwood typewriter, ready to write a recap. I had a lot of typing to do, so I hoped the ribbon held up. Actually, at this point, I should probably bust out that shitty drawing of myself again so I can type as quickly as possible.

I pulled out the shitty self-portrait I had made, which was currently in its green winged sword shirt. Whoops, needs The Felt duds. Hang on. I applied the felt duds so that it was wearing Dave's puppet tux like me.

I then pulled it up to the typewriter and began to control it from my imaginary computer. There were two frames of shitty drawing Hussie banging at the keyboard, each lasting half a second. No no, this was not nearly fast enough, or jittery enough. Come on, I could do better than that! Let's go dude. Recap like you mean it!

I switched it to six frames, each .05 seconds long. There we go. Recap now.

**After Act 4, we began Act 5 Act 1, otherwise known as Hivebent. We were introduced to 12 trolls from a planet called Alternia, which resides in another universe. We followed these trolls as they played their own 12 player session of Sburb (or to them, Sgrub) to completion. A whole bunch of stuff happened along the way. In completing the game, they created a universe - our universe, home to Earth and our four heroes. But they were denied entry into the new universe due to an encounter with an indestructible demon. This demon was the four-times-prototyped Jack Noir from the kids' session, forced into the trolls' session due to a spacetime rift the kids would later cause, called a scratch. The trolls fled to the veil, discovered the existence of the kids, and began trolling them. **

**Then Act 5 Act 2 started. **

**Through a Trollian viewport, we see John moments before the scratch is initiated, wearing his god tier Heir of Breath suit, in the Land of Heat and Clockwork (LOHAC), about to put in motion a plan he, the other kids, and the trolls all helped orchestrate to cause the scratch. This is the first conversation Karkat ever has with John, and the last John has with Karkat, pre-scratch. Karkat proceeds to troll John backwards through his timeline. John knows increasingly little, while Karkat gradually begins to understand more. **

**EVENTS FROM KARKAT'S PERSPECTIVE **

**10:25 (10 hours, 25 minutes) before some CRITICAL MOMENT, Jack arrives and destroys the gateway to the new universe. Aradia transports all the trolls to the veil to hide. Her army of doomed duplicates takes on Jack. They are all destroyed. The trolls find a computer lab in the veil, and stay there for most of the time remaining before the CRITICAL MOMENT, to occur at 00:00. **

**06:12 before CRITICAL MOMENT, Jack destroys Prospit. Shortly before this, Kanaya chainsawed off Tavros's legs to replace them with robotic legs supplied by Equius. At the sight of this, Karkat faints, and for the first time, his dream self wakes up on Prospit. He is awake for only a moment before he sees Jack, and finally recognizes him as Jack Noir, rather than the heretofore unidentified demon. Jack then kills him and all the other Prospit dreamers in the process of destroying the planet. **

**Karkat remains asleep for an hour, until 05:12:30 before CRITICAL MOMENT, exactly half way through countdown. While sleeping post-dream death, he dreams of horrorterrors in the Furthest Ring, an experience anyone will have if sleeping after dream death. On waking up, he orders everyone not to sleep. He also wakes up to news that the humans were discovered. Neither he nor the other trolls understand the significance of the humans right away. They were discovered when Terezi was wired 413 boonbonds from Dave, on her future instruction. She urges Karkat to take a closer look at them. He dismisses them as irrelevant. **

**It's not until later he makes the connection between the Jack Noir in the kids' session, and the one hunting them down, recognizing them to be the same Jack, therefore placing the kids at fault for the current predicament. He then conceives of the plan to troll the humans, as a futile form of payback, and urges his team to follow suit with a compelling speech. He isolates John as the primary target of his hatred after watching him grow up. He is sure John is fated to be his kismesis, a romantic partner specific to troll culture, centered around rivalry and loathing. In his first conversation with John in the Heir suit on LOHAC, he professes these feelings clumsily. John cannot reciprocate. The awkward exchange causes Karkat to trap himself into continuing backwards on John's timeline, and the trolling continues in reverse fashion until John's first conversation with Karkat. By then, Karkat has explained many things to John along his journey, things about the game, about his role as an ectobiologist, and about their shared chief adversary, Jack Noir. In John's first conversation with Karkat, Karkat needs to get in touch with Jade. It's at this point on Karkat's timeline he has finally understood enough that he knows he must begin making plans with the kids for their mutual benefit. **

**Karkat attempts to get in touch with Jade, who continues to ignore him in a particular timeframe due to his persistent previous harassment of her in years prior. He leaves a message to her months in the past, telling her she needs to get in touch with him when her robot explodes. Her robot later finally does explode when her dream self is killed in the impact of Prospit's moon on the battlefield. When she wakes up, she remembers the message, and contacts him. But she contacts him at a point in his timeline where he is not yet interested in hearing from her. He argues with her, and is interrupted by his future self in a memo, from a time where he is trying to contact her. He and his future self argue, and Jade mediates between the two and becomes angry and frustrated, and ceases the correspondence. **

**By this point, the biggest meteor yet is approaching quickly, and she must enter the medium to escape. She requires John's assistance. He must recover the server disc, install it, and rescue her. **

**EVENTS FROM JOHN'S PERSPECTIVE **

**John sleeps on bro's rocket board, flying along with the meteors of the reckoning. He lands back on his planet, the Land of Wind and Shade (LOWAS). His dream self had awoken after dream Jade pushed him to safety from the blast of Prospit's moon. His dream self now exists on the battlefield, awake whenever John sleeps. He wanders the battlefield with his robot bunny, who he would later name Liv Tyler. He sees his dad and Rose's mom, and runs to meet them. But he wakes up before reaching them, and his dream self disappears. The ring he was carrying falls into a ravine below, later to be recovered by WV, before his exile to post apocalypse Earth. **

**Vriska was responsible for waking him up. Upon discovering John, she takes an interest in his advancement, and uses her abilities to help him progress and set up critical events along his timeline. The only effect her abilities have on humans is to wake them up or put them to sleep. In this case, she woke him up so he would be able to receive the server disc about to come out of a parcel pyxis. The disc had been deposited into the pipeline by PM some time ago. She and John continue to converse, and he befriends her, oblivious to the true nature of her schemes. She functions as his "patron troll", a troll who is particularly focused on helping one of the kids, like Terezi is with Dave, and Kanaya is with Rose. **

**John returns to his house, and installs the server. But not before touching base with Rose, who is committed to cracking open the secrets of the game through dark magic, and Dave who is from the future, having time traveled extensively over the course of the 24 hour reckoning period. John also encounters nanna, who gives him a pendant granting him the ability to summon her. She conjures a ghost bed for him, and cooks for him with a ghost oven. He floats on his bed high above LOWAS while he connects to Jade. **

**Jade, who had woken up in her bed at the foot of the hill, returns to her house to find John setting up the equipment. John deploys the alchemiter and lathe in her greenhouse, and the cruxtruder in front of her fireplace. He opens the cruxtruder and discovers there are 10 minutes and 25 seconds until impact. They discuss what to prototype with, if anything. Rose warns him of the danger of failing to prototype, which would not allow the battlefield to heal, evolve to its final form, and grow the Tumor inside, which is critical to her plan to destroy the Green Sun. **

**John resolves to prototype with the blue doll, missing an arm and an eye, to deliberately disable Jack. But Vriska puts him to sleep before he can. Becquerel then prototypes himself to destroy the meteor and save Jade. **

**As he sleeps, John's ghost bed crashes into an oil ocean below. He loses his computer with the server disc in it, and nanna's pendant. He hops to a small island. He notices the ocean is on fire over the horizon, and the fire is approaching. He talks to Rose, who informs him Jade entered while he slept, and is safe. She tells him about a quest he'll need to go on later, to recover the Tumor from the battlefield and bring it to her. He then talks to Karkat, who is speaking to him for only the second time from Karkat's perspective. Karkat explains exactly what the kids did that made him decide to troll them. He blames Jade for prototyping Bec, creating Bec Noir who is now terrorizing the trolls' session, while blaming John for allowing it to happen. **

**Meanwhile, the fire is approaching his island, and has turned green due to Bec Noir's transformation, taking place during a duel with bro and Davesprite elsewhere on LOWAS. John is contacted by Vriska, who admits to putting him in this position to challenge him, to realize his potential as the Heir of Breath. She also admits to deliberately playing a role in the creation of Bec Noir, wanting to be involved in his rise just as she also plans to be the one to kill him. She explains that regardless of her actions leading to his rise, his existence in the troll session is immutable. Due to the nature of paradox space, that outcome could not be changed with different actions. The only consequence of different actions would be an offshoot timeline, in which all participants would be doomed. **

**As the fire surrounds him, she encourages him to use his abilities, and with some coaxing from WV who commands him from his station, he does the Windy Thing. The Breeze surrounds LOWAS and puts out the fire completely, and blows John to a larger landmass, just outside a village. The Breeze also clears the clouds from the sky, but they return shortly, as the spell over the planet must be broken by other means. By unlocking this ability, he reaches the top of the echeladder and becomes the Heir Transparent. Vriska then informs him the only thing left to do is reach the god tier, which is done by sleeping on his Quest Bed which is nearby. She tells him to ask the locals about it. He does, and finds the Quest Bed beyond the village. He sits in the bed but isn't tired. Vriska gives him the choice of whether he would like her to put him to sleep. He agrees. While he sleeps, Jack Noir finds him and stabs him through the chest, killing him. **

**WV watches his death on the monitor and commands him to rise up. WV sees nothing except fireflies gather around John's body, while the Quest Bed glows. After the spectacle, there is no change. John's body remains motionless, and the monitor shuts off. WV believes John has died. And he is right. **

**But on the battlefield, his dream self appears lying on a corresponding Quest Bed. His dream self slowly takes on the signs of the wound inflicted on his real self, as it rises. His dream self then takes over as his real self, with all wounds healed, as the fully realized Heir of Breath. WV, pre-exile, watches this happen on the battlefield. He remembers this moment long after his exile, without understanding what transpired. But on Earth, WV believes he has just witnessed the end of John's quest. WV is still in possession of the ring, and has accidentally locked himself in the station, and there is not enough power to unlock it. The only source of power is a lump of uranium which he ate hours ago. So he waits. **

**John now wanders the battlefield, poised to complete the objective he was given by Rose. **

**EVENTS FROM ROSE'S PERSPECTIVE **

**Rose uses her dark magic to search for ways to subvert the usual course of the game and overcome the futility of the situation, with assistance from her patron troll Kanaya, counsel from the gods of the Furthest Ring, and information provided by Doc Scratch. **

**Kanaya begins trolling Rose suspecting her to be the author of the GameFAQ guide she read on Alternia, a figure she grew up idolizing. But she becomes disappointed with her due to a series of miscues resulting from her sporadic, nonlinear trolling. She continues conversing with her nonlinearly, engaging in a feud of snarky one-upmanship, gradually befriending her. She eventually realizes Rose is the true author of the guide when she watches her destroy the gate above her house with magic. She then continues helping her in a more linear fashion, uncovering the secrets of the game, and sharing her own extensive knowledge of the game with her. Ultimately, as Kanaya begins to understand the true nature of Rose's plan, she becomes afraid Rose is dangerous. She is especially unnerved by the fact that soon on Rose's timeline, her viewport goes dark, and she can no longer be monitored. But she acknowledges she can do nothing to stop her. So she trains Eridan to become a powerful white wizard of hope to challenge her, as a joke. **

**A particular target of Rose's investigation is the Green Sun. She rips apart underground ruins to retrieve information on it, and is further informed by Doc Scratch on the subject. The Green Sun is a huge star nearly twice the mass of the universe. It resides somewhere in the Furthest Ring, and serves as the power source to all first guardians. Bec was Earth's first guardian, and when he became prototyped, Jack inherited all his powers, which are supplied by the Green Sun. Doc Scratch is the first guardian of Alternia. **

**Doc Scratch, like Bec, is a virtually omnipotent being, with all the same powers. Unlike Bec, he is an intelligent host to those powers, and is therefore also omniscient. His job is to pave the way for the arrival of his employer, an indestructible time traveling demon called Lord English. Lord English can only enter a universe upon its death, at which point he travels back in time to an earlier point in the universe's lifespan to assume leadership of his gang of mobsters called The Felt. His machinations, like Scratch's, are in part designed to bring about his own future entrance. Before the trolls began their session, Scratch took measures to both pave the way for English to arrive, as well as contribute to his own creation. First guardians have circuitous self-fulfilling origins, much like the players of Sburb. Bec was created in a lab through ectobiology by merging the ghost slime image of grandpa's dog Harley with Rose's MEOW code. Scratch had a similar but yet unknown origin. Scratch manipulated several members of the trolls' party into playing Sburb (Sgrub) in the first place. Notably, he manipulated Vriska into killing Aradia, who as a ghost became the primary orchestrator of the session. He was also used as something of a pawn himself, by Terezi, in exacting revenge against Vriska, causing her to lose an eye and an arm. This was another key moment in a critical cycle of revenge, leading to Terezi's blindness and awakening, Vriska's eventual death by Aradia's retaliation, and then Vriska's resurrection to the god tier as the Thief of Light. **

**Having done everything he needs to do, Scratch tells Rose he wishes to die. Thus the destruction of the Green Sun is to their mutual benefit, and Rose forms a plan. While she gave the short version of the plan to John, telling him he'd need to recover the Tumor, she tells the full plan to Dave. The Tumor at the center of the battlefield is in fact a very powerful bomb, capable of destroying the Green Sun. She will go to sleep, and John will bring it to her dream self. Meanwhile, Dave is to go to sleep and listen to the gods, who will tell him how to find the sun. He will make a map, and Rose will plot a course there and destroy the Green Sun in a suicide mission. Ideally, this will negate all of Jack's powers, reducing him to mortal status again. **

**EVENTS FROM DAVE'S PERSPECTIVE **

**After entering the gate above his apartment, Dave begins exploring LOHAC under the guidance of his patron troll, Terezi. Her fascination with him was prompted by the money wire from his future self, which alerted her to the existence of the humans in the first place. She watched him grow up with his bro, and made some observations about humanity through his upbringing. She then committed to helping him, in part due to her rivalry with Vriska, who sought to make sure the human she favored, John, would outpace Dave. **

**Over the course of the adventures she coordinates for him, Dave experiences about 3 days chronologically due to looping through time, and fulfilling the requirements of various time loops. The key objective is to make enough money for him to be able to wire it to her in the first place, completing the time loop that started it all. The sum of money vastly exceeds what is typically gathered in a session, and it must be accumulated by manipulating the LOHAC Stock Exchange using time travel. **

**Along the way, Dave and Terezi befriend each other, trading comics and perpetrating financial capers. In the early going, Terezi leads him into a pot of soup prepared by his crocodile consorts, for no particular reason other than it needed to happen on his timeline. Doubtful of the need for her help, he nearly quit, but received assurance from his future self, and continued exploring. **

**He goes underground and discovers gold ruins. Before entering, he's interrupted by Karkat who uses a memo to warn both him and John about their involvement with Terezi and Vriska, telling them the scourge sisters are partaking in a dangerous game of rivalry fueled flirtation which has gotten both him and John killed at least once each. Karkat speaks from a time in which he's aware of a plan developing which may lead to the kids and trolls meeting each other, and does not look forward to the results of the gathering if these trends continue. John and Dave disregard his advice. Dave proceeds into the ruins and finds a legendary sword, Caledfwlch, lodged in a block of gold. He breaks it to retrieve it, and is told by Davesprite that the sword is critical to his personal quest as the Knight of Time. Terezi then tells him he is about to fall asleep, without knowing Vriska was behind this nap as well. Dave goes to sleep, and Davesprite defends him from a horde of powerful monsters. Before Dave wakes up, Davesprite leaves to find bro. He does, and joins him in battle against Jack. When Jade enters, Jack transforms into Bec Noir and defeats both of them. Bro is slain by his own sword, and the body is discovered by Dave later, who can't bring himself to retrieve the sword. **

**While sleeping in the ruins, Dave's dream self wakes up again on Derse's moon. Following Rose's advice, he looks into the sky and takes off his shades. He gets his first glimpse of the gods. He then wakes up from hearing a gunshot fired by Jade as she battles an imp and quickly teleports away, the first of three times he sees her in this manner. He sees her again in the LOHACSE, and again while visiting Jade's planet. **

**He then goes on to make all the money needed, to buy all the fraymotifs, which are powerful battle techniques purchased from consorts, and to reach the top of his echeladder. But he still wanted to know why he would never be able to reach John's level. **

**To satisfy his curiosity, Terezi gives him a choice somewhere in the middle of his timeline, a choice to be decided by a coin flip. He could assign the outcome of the flip to mean he would either be shown now, or later. The outcome of the flip, which Terezi did not even look at, was a constant. Two realities are created by his two possible decisions. The decision to be shown now creates a doomed reality, wherein Dave becomes doomed. The decision to wait simply continues the alpha reality, and Dave remains the alpha Dave. Doomed Dave follows Terezi's instructions, given to him before the flip. He is to go back in time, leaving his doomed timeline, and sleep on his Quest Bed, and if he has what it takes to reach his god tier, he will. Alpha Dave, after waiting some time, was instructed to go to the bed to find sleeping Dave, and kill him, thus allowing him to face the true gravity of the decision. **

**Dave doesn't go through with it, and decides to end his collaboration with Terezi for the time being. Later, doomed Dave wakes up, gets out of bed, and is immediately killed by Jack. 03:14 before the CRITICAL MOMENT, Terezi watches, and is upset by her involvement in his death. She runs off deeper into the lab. **

**Dave travels to Jade's planet, the Land of Frost and Frogs (LOFAF). While standing in the snow, he sees Jade appear briefly while fighting an imp, just as he did before in the ruins. He contacts her, and she mentions she has lost track of John. Dave tells her John's busy, without mentioning he was in the process of rising to the god tier. He says John can no longer be her server player, and they would have to make other plans. **

**Dave tells her to deploy the intellibeam laserstation in his apartment. The device allows very complex captcha codes for certain items, like a Sburb disc, to be read which couldn't otherwise be read by the human eye. He then creates a copy of his own server disc, and uses it to connect as Jade's server player. He becomes the server player for both Rose and Jade, though past Dave would stay concerned with Rose's connection, while he, as future Dave, would concern himself with Jade's connection. He deploys a new alchemiter and helps her upgrade it. With his massive reserve of grist accumulated in his travels and his more advanced torrenting capabilities, he allows Jade to alchemize some sophisticated equipment right away. **

**A bit later, she contacts him again after learning of his dead bro, and dead doomed self. He assured her the dead Dave was just a doomed copy, and he would be fine. She decides Jack needs to be stopped, and they should come up with a better plan than Rose's suicide mission to stop him. He suggests the idea is futile, but lets her know she'd come to her own decision regardless, and he'd be available to talk later if needed. **

**EVENTS FROM JADE'S PERSPECTIVE **

**When Jade's dream self is killed, her robot explodes, destroying her room, causing her to fall. Bec transports her bed to break her fall. She falls asleep. Now dream dead, she has a dream in a bubble blown by a god in the Furthest Ring, and meets Feferi there. Feferi, a Derse dreamer, went to sleep to convince the gods to establish dream bubbles where they can meet while asleep, as long as their dream selves are dead. While she is asleep, 04:13 before the CRITICAL MOMENT, Jack destroys the trolls' Derse, killing her and all the Derse dreamers. She, along with all the other trolls and Jade, would then only dream in the Furthest Ring, where she met Jade and attempted to show her the gods were harmless. But Jade sees through the bubble and catches a glimpse of the gods. She wakes up with a headache, scared of what she saw, and resolves to stay awake. Feferi messages her, and introduces herself as the one from the dream. It is the second time they have spoken. The first time was long ago, from Jade's perspective. **

**Jade realizes her robot has exploded, causing her to remember that was her cue to message Karkat. She does, and the aforementioned confusion takes place in the memo with past and future Karkat. Past Karkat berates her, while future Karkat defends her. She reprimands both of them for arguing with each other, who are the same person separated by only 3 hours. Dave enters the memo and mocks future Karkat for his flirtation with Jade after the lecture he gave to John and Dave on the subject. Jade ends the conversation, and is in no particular hurry to get back to him about the important matter he wanted to discuss. **

**The meteor impact is imminent. John connects with her, and helps her prepare for entry. She makes her entry item from the pre-punched card. A tree sprouts from the alchemiter, and a green Bec-shaped pinata dangles from a branch. A green blindfold appears over her eyes, which she cannot remove. She attempts to strike the pinata with the butt of the rifle, which does no damage. Instead it releases a burst of energy, causing the greenhouse to explode, and Jade to fly out and fall. While falling, she takes a shot in the dark with her rifle. By this point, Bec has prototyped himself to become Becsprite, and has destroyed the meteor with a massive green energy blast, releasing a huge shockwave spreading over the surface of the Earth, destroying much of what hadn't been already by the meteor storm of the reckoning. Becsprite then appears in front of her bullet, and redirects it into the head of the pinata, destroying it. Jade, her house, and a large part of her island including the volcano, are all transported into the medium, on LOFAF. **

**She falls through the snow of LOFAF, now unblindfolded. Becsprite again breaks her fall with a bed, and again she falls asleep. She has a recollection of sitting on her bed back on Earth some time ago, working on John's present. It's then that Feferi contacts her the first time. Jade believes she is trolling her like the others, but she only means to reassure her what happened wasn't her fault, as well as inform her of her plan to establish the dream bubbles. But soon, both realize this is not a memory, but a dream they are currently sharing, with the memory as a stage. Feferi meets Jade in her room and compliments her on her work on the bunny. Feferi also claims to be dead. Jade wakes up again, just as agitated as the first time she woke up. **

**She gets out of bed and realizes her lunchtop is still in the destroyed greenhouse. She begins her ascent, but is interrupted by an encounter with an imp, which takes her on a trans-incipisphere journey, visiting many locations and passing by three instances of Dave, including a future Dave who ends up helping her later. The imp is finally killed by Becsprite. PM from post-apocalypse Earth, just after discovering her station and en route to the frog ruins, tries to issue commands to Jade through the terminal. Becsprite is alert to these commands, and protectively destroys PM's terminal. **

**Jade returns and finds her computer undamaged. Future Dave contacts her after seeing her out in the snow. He then becomes her server player, and sets up her equipment after most of it was destroyed/transported before entry. As she prepares to alchemize new items, she is contacted by her "fairy god troll", a distinction which does not necessarily have anything to do with being a kid's patron troll. Tavros seeks permission from her to commune with Bec again. The first time he did it was when she was very young, and playing with her grandpa's flintlock pistols. She accidentally fired the gun at her self. Tavros communed with Bec to get him to transport the gun and the bullet away from her, and toward her grandpa who was picnicking with the blue doll, killing him. Tavros mistook him for an intruder, but regardless, Jade is upset by the revelation. He digs himself into a deeper hole by professing flushed feelings for her awkwardly, while making bold claims of high self esteem and confidence granted from his new robot legs. Put off by this, she is not particularly receptive to his plan to commune with Becsprite to take on Jack Noir, and ends the conversation. **

**Vriska, who was reading the conversation, mocks Tavros for his false show of confidence. She continues to take jabs at him, calling him a coward, unable to do the one thing she asked which would have given him real confidence. She refers to the incident preceding her resurrection to the god tier. After she was nearly beaten to death by Aradia, Tavros finds her, believing her to be dead. He attempts to bring her back to life with a kiss. But having woken up on Prospit after the beating, Vriska's dream self is able to control his mind. She makes him choke himself, simply to prevent the kiss to avoid the standard resurrection process, which would prohibit god tier ascension. She does not wish to control him completely, intending to leave the following decisions to him, to make him stronger. Instead, she merely controls his hand to write messages to himself using her blood. She instructs him to take her to her Quest Cocoon, and to kill her on the sacrificial slab before she bleeds to death. He hesitates, and she continues to insist, while her dream self gradually takes on the same wounds inflicted on her real self, causing her demands to become more desperate. The more desperate she gets, the more terrified Tavros he becomes, and he finally flees without killing her. She eventually dies, and is resurrected on the battlefield as the Thief of Light. **

**Still holding this against him, she berates him for his newfound attitude, and regards his plan to influence the kids' timeline as a cheap imitation of her tactics. She brags about the ways she has manipulated events on their timeline so far, by practicing her abilities on Jade repeatedly, causing her to fall asleep frequently. She describes ways in which she has inserted her agenda into existing events, tipping off agents to the whereabouts of the MEOW code book, and other such incidents which contributed to the rise of Jack Noir, so she could claim responsibility for his existence, before taking him on herself. Tavros becomes angry with her incessant mockery and the extent of her treachery, and decides to seek her out to challenge her. She waits for him somewhere in the lab. **

**After the conversation with Tavros, Jade alchemizes a number of items. One of which is a legendary rifle, Ahab's Crosshairs, supplied by Eridan. Eridan, now believing himself to be a powerful wizard, feels he's surpassed the need for the weapon, and gives it to Jade to fuel the rivalry he mistakenly assumes she has with Rose, as payback for Rose's early dismissal of his black advances. Jade recognizes it as one of the weapons she included with the bunny for John. The weapons were provided by her penpal, who she accidentally revealed to be her grandson from the future. The pen pal swore her to secrecy on the matter, so she did the same with Eridan, though he admitted this would be the last time he talked to any human regardless. Realizing the new rifle would serve as a sort of heirloom to her grandson, she decided to discard it outside her house, and allow it to reach her grandson eventually however it may. Eridan then blew up her Johnnytop. **

**Another item she created was a pair of junior compu-sooth spectagoggles, allowing her to see anything in the incipisphere at the present moment. She saw John as the Heir of Breath on the battlefield, Rose on LOHAC talking to Doc Scratch, Davesprite's pendant covered in blood nearby bro's dead body, and a slain doomed Dave. She contacts Dave to make sure he's alright. She then comes up with a plan to take on Jack Noir. **

**She contacts Tavros again to talk about the plan he proposed, but he has left to take on Vriska. She has only one idea left. She goes up to her grandpa's lab, summons Becsprite, and tosses in her dead dream self, which her grandpa had** **retrieved from the battlefield and stuffed many years ago. Becsprite becomes Jadesprite. But dream Jade is not pleased by the transformation. She freaks out, and releases the typical first guardian pyrotechnics. The lab** **plummets, crushing the column and greenhouse below. It bounces away from the house, rolling into large snowball, and set****tling near a green stump. The two Jades sit** **in a state of dismay amidst the rubble of the lab, in the glow of a ****damaged 4th wall. **

**As the clock ticks down to the CRITICAL EVENT, the most** **important character in Homestuck sits and watches this pandemonium ensue. **

**And then, the second ****most important character in Homestuck positions a shitty drawing of himself in front of a typewriter and writes this recap. **

**I think this typewriter** **is running out of ribbon ink. **

**Thank God, that white ink is such a pain in the ass to read. **

**Almost as much as ****these recaps are to write.**

"Highlighting all that white text crashed my browser," the reader said.

"Sorry," I replied. "Why don't we get back to what's happening on the other side of the Cairo Overcoat? These poor girls are very upset and emotional, and we kind of left them hanging."


	106. Book 7 Chapter 12: The Crying Sprite

Hi guise, I think I'm just going to post everything until Cascade today, or at least try. So yeah it's gonna be a lot. Get ready! ^~^

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 12: The Crying Sprite

Jade climbed out of the sarcophagus pile and attempted to talk to Jadesprite.

**JADE: uuugh**

**JADE: what happened?**

**JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo**

**JADE: oh god**

**JADESPRITE: what did you do what did you do what did you do**

**JADE: oh no oh god...**

**JADE: what did i dooooo**

Jade walked over to the sprite and tapped her on the shoulder.

**JADE: um... jade?**

**JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoooooo**

**JADE: what is the matter?**

**JADE: why are you so sad?**

**JADESPRITE: what did you do to me?**

**JADE: i prototyped you and brought you back!**

**JADE: should i not have?**

**JADESPRITE: no!**

**JADESPRITE: you shouldnt have, this is overwhelming and awful**

**JADE: oh no, it is?**

**JADESPRITE: yes!**

**JADESPRITE: its hard to describe what its like**

**JADESPRITE: but its too much for me**

**JADESPRITE: and the sun...**

**JADESPRITE: its way too big and bright and i cant stop seeing it...**

**JADESPRITE: it wont go away aaaaah!**

**JADE: :(**

**JADE: thats terrible, im really sorry**

**JADE: i guess i did not think this through**

**JADESPRITE: cant this be undone?**

**JADESPRITE: i was happy where i was with my friends**

**JADESPRITE: i want to go back**

**JADE: i dont think...**

**JADE: that it can be undone :(**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADESPRITE: woof :'(**

**JADE: :o**

**JADE: well... **

**JADE: now i dont know what to do **

**JADE: i really messed up, i feel so bad **

**JADESPRITE: i dont know what to do with myself either**

**JADESPRITE: i think i will just go somewhere else**

**JADESPRITE: i want to be alone**

**JADE: where would you go? **

**JADESPRITE: i dont know**

**JADESPRITE: i think i can travel anywhere now**

**JADESPRITE: but all id like to do is go back**

**JADESPRITE: and i dont know if thats possible**

**JADESPRITE: i wonder if theres a way...**

**JADE: but you cant! **

**JADE: i mean, not just yet, please? **

**JADESPRITE: why**

**JADE: i know you are upset jade **

**JADE: but i did sort of bring you back for a reason **

**JADESPRITE: why, why would you do this?**

**JADE: we need your help! **

**JADESPRITE: who?**

**JADE: well, all of us here **

**JADE: me and dave and rose and john **

**JADESPRITE: john!**

**JADESPRITE: oh noooooo, john...**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: D: **

**JADE: what is it now! **

**JADESPRITE: john, poor john...**

**JADESPRITE: id forgotten about him**

**JADE: what do you mean, how could you forget about john? **

**JADESPRITE: it was so long ago! i put that sad memory behind me**

**JADESPRITE: after we died i looked all over for him but couldnt find him**

**JADESPRITE: and i was so lonely, but i finally got over it when i met my friends...**

**JADESPRITE: and now theyre gone toooo aaahhhh boooooooo hoo hoo hoo hoo**

**JADE: but john didnt die! **

**JADE: i saved him **

**JADE: YOU saved him, dont you remember? **

**JADE: you pushed him out of the way of prospits moon at the last minute, and hes ok now! **

**JADESPRITE: oh my god prospit...**

**JADESPRITE: ...**

**JADE: oh nooo jade please dont **

**JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: :C**

Jade put her arms around Jadesprite, tears in her own eyes. She bit her lower lip.

**JADESPRITE: why are you doing this to me, why are you making me remember**

**JADE: :(**

**JADESPRITE: it was so beautiful and it was all destroyed before i even knew what was going on...**

**JADESPRITE: and so many nice people were killed**

**JADE: i know jade i was there too...**

**JADE: these are both our memories!**

**JADESPRITE: and the queen, did she survive?**

**JADESPRITE: and her ring, i was protecting her ring, oh noooo what happened to it?**

**JADE: jade, pleeease...**

**JADESPRITE: i was just waiting for john to wake up, i was so sure it was going to be soon**

**JADESPRITE: and i was going to show him around prospit**

**JADESPRITE: i had so many things planned and so many friends to introduce him to...**

**JADESPRITE: he was my best friend and i was looking forward to meeting him for so long**

**JADESPRITE: but then it all burned down and everyone died and the moon fell and...**

**JADE: stop...**

**JADE: you are going to make me cry too, stop it!**

**JADESPRITE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo**

**JADE: *sob***

**JADESPRITE: woooof...**

**JADE: PFFheheh... *sob* hehehehehehe**

**JADESPRITE: i dont want to be here, i have to go back**

**JADESPRITE: but i dont know how**

**JADESPRITE: can you help me?**

**JADE: you want me to help you... **

**JADE: die again? **

**JADESPRITE: yes, i think thats what i would like**

**JADESPRITE: i cant take this, i wasnt ready to come back**

**JADESPRITE: not like this**

**JADE: wow... **

**JADE: ok, i know this is my fault **

**JADE: but that is a really hard thing to ask me to do! **

**JADE: even if it was possible the way you are now **

**JADE: i dont think i could go through with it :( **

**JADESPRITE: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo**

**JADE: ok ok shhhhh... **

**JADE: jade listen **

**JADE: i never did tell you why i brought you back **

**JADE: and it may be that **

**JADE: if you attempt what i wanted you to do in the first place **

**JADE: god i cant believe im saying this... **

**JADE: but you might end up getting what you want anyway **

**JADE: because it was always going to be risky **

**JADESPRITE: what is it?**

**JADE: well, you remember the guy who destroyed prospit? **

**JADESPRITE: oh god D:**

**JADESPRITE: ohh god noooooo...**

**JADE: shh! **

**JADE: anyway, he is the reason i brought you here **

**JADE: he has the same powers you have, making him unbeatable to us... **

**JADE: but maybe not you! **

**JADE: so you could go find him and **

**JADESPRITE: you want me to fight him?**

**JADE: um **

**JADESPRITE: are you crazy? do i look like i am ready to fight anybody?**

**JADE: i just thought **

**JADE: as long as youre here **

**JADESPRITE: i cant fight anybody!**

**JADESPRITE: jade i am scared and confused and sad and...**

**JADESPRITE: i wouldnt even know how to begin fighting that horrible guy**

**JADESPRITE: i would be too afraid of him to even go find him**

**JADE: but **

**JADE: i thought you wanted to die? **

**JADE: you wouldnt go even if he could... **

**JADESPRITE: no i dont want him to kill me!**

**JADESPRITE: you just dont understand aaaaa boo hoo hoo**

**JADE: jeez... **

**JADE: youre right, i really dont **

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: i said SHH! **

**JADE: wow **

**JADE: jade... **

**JADE: i dont mean to be insensitive but **

**JADE: there is a lot at stake here! **

**JADESPRITE: woof**

**JADE: i... pfhehe, dont change the subject! **

**JADE: i mean, dont you remember what this was all about? **

**JADE: what you were working for... what WE were working for all those years before you died? **

**JADE: remember what we saw in the clouds, or what the queen told us? **

**JADESPRITE: uh...**

**JADE: how could you not remember john survived? **

**JADE: we both saw him in a cloud! he was in his dream suit and awake, reading our letter! **

**JADE: didnt you think about that? **

**JADESPRITE: ummmm, so? what does it matter?**

**JADE: ... **

**JADESPRITE: it was all a lie jade. what we saw in the clouds and all that. none of it meant anything**

**JADE: what! **

**JADE: how can you SAY that? **

**JADESPRITE: it was a nice life, but everything we did lead to nothing**

**JADESPRITE: john and i both died, and i eventually accepted that and moved on**

**JADE: JOHN DIDNT DIE! **

**JADE: omg... **

**JADE: this is so frustrating, i just told you he didnt **

**JADE: i knew i was kind of ditzy and forgetful in my dreams, but **

**JADESPRITE: boooo ho-**

**JADE: SHHHHH! okaaaaaay, jeez! **

**JADE: i just dont know what to think **

**JADE: i guess you are part of me, and you are who i was when i slept **

**JADE: but it makes me sad to think i would act like this **

**JADESPRITE: act like what?**

**JADE: i would like to think that even if i was sad and scared, if i was put in a position where everyone depended on me, i could put all those feelings aside and do whats right! **

**JADESPRITE: but i dont know whats right**

**JADE: yes you do! **

**JADE: even though you dont want to be, youre here now, and there are still people who need you **

**JADE: there is still something worth fighting for!**

**JADESPRITE: no!**

**JADESPRITE: not for me there isnt**

**JADESPRITE: there is nothing but death and sadness and destruction here**

**JADESPRITE: theres no hope, and i dont see anything worth fighting for**

**JADE: that is a horrible thing to say! **

**JADESPRITE: i dont belong here anyway**

**JADESPRITE: really none of this is my business anymore and i want to go home**

**JADE: AUGH! **

**JADE: that is SO SELFISH! **

**JADE: i cant believe this **

**JADE: how can you say these things, dont you remember anything that the queen told us? **

**JADE: that we would eventually build a new world and make a future together with our friends? **

**JADE: dont you remember being excited about finding out what that meant? **

**JADESPRITE: yes**

**JADESPRITE: but it was just a story**

**JADESPRITE: it was never going to come true**

**JADE: yes it will! **

**JADE: some of us, the ones who still have hope, are fighting for that RIGHT NOW **

**JADE: how can you have such a negative outlook on absolutely everything? **

**JADESPRITE: boo hoo ho-**

**JADE: shut up! **

**JADE: stop being such a damn crybaby! **

**JADE: really, we both had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCES. and look, i am managing to keep my head up, see? **

**JADE: you dont even have the full picture either, because you checked out early! **

**JADE: you didnt have to stand by as bec gave jack his powers when you might have been able to stop that **

**JADE: and you didnt have to watch as jack became so strong he could appear anywhere and kill anyone you loved at any moment! **

**JADE: you didnt have to see a dave lying in his own blood :( **

**JADESPRITE: what...**

**JADESPRITE: dave?**

**JADESPRITE: he died too?**

**JADE: no, see... **

**JADESPRITE: ohhhh boo-**

**JADE: HEY! no. youre not allowed to cry about that because you DIDNT SEE IT **

**JADE: thats the whole point! **

**JADE: you are just looking for any excuse you can to be sad and useless and its starting to piss me off! **

**JADESPRITE: *sniffle***

**JADE: no **

**JADESPRITE: *whimper***

**JADE: NO. BAD. **

**JADESPRITE: aaaaaaaBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: NO, FOR GODS SAKE WILL YOU SHUT UP AND PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY**

Jade grabbed Jadesprite and shook her back and forth.

**JADESPRITE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH**

**JADE: I SAID PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER YOU BLUBBERING GODDAMN PANSY**

**JADESPRITE: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: JUST SHUT UP. DRY YOUR CRYBABY EYES, STOP BEING A COWARD, AND GO FIGHT JACK NOIR!**

She slapped Jadesprite back and forth as the girl continued to cry.

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: SHUT UP**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: NO**

**JADE: JUST**

**JADE: GOD DAMN IT**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: PLEASE**

**JADE: JUST ONCE**

**JADE: SHUT THE HELL UP**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: SHUT UP**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: SHUT**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: THE**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: FUCK**

**JADESPRITE: BOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO**

**JADE: UP**

**JADESPRITE: :(**

And suddenly, Karkat began pestering Jade. It registered on all of her computers.


	107. Book 7 Chapter 13: The 4th Wall

Chapter 13: Turning Off the Fourth Wall

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**CG: ATTENTION HARLEY.**

**CG: PLEASE STOP WEEPING WITH AND OR BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR SELF PROTOTYPED LUSUSPRITE**

**CG: STOP DOING ONE OF THOSE THINGS AT LEAST**

**CG: LONG ENOUGH TO ANSWER ME.**

**CG: PLEASE.**

**CG: PRETTY POLITE EARTH PLEASE.**

**CG: WHO AM I KIDDING**

**CG: I'M WASTING MY TIME AGAIN**

**GG: karkat!**

**CG: WHOA FUCK**

**CG: YOU ANSWERED ME, I DONT BELIEVE IT**

**GG: yes**

**GG: im going crazy here**

**GG: i never thought id say this, but im actually almost relieved to talk to you**

**CG: WHAT**

**CG: YOU ARE**

**GG: or really ANYBODY besides that lunatic**

**GG: SHE IS DRIVING ME NUTS!**

**CG: OH YEAH?**

**CG: HOW SO, EVERYTHING HERE APPEARS TO BE PROCEEDING RATIONALLY.**

**CG: WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM**

**GG: are you joking? look at this mess!**

**CG: MESS? JADE, NOW IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE *YOU'RE* THE ONE WHO'S JOKING.**

**CG: YOUR HIVE BALL ROLLED DOWN A BEAUTIFUL WINTER HILL, AND YOU ARE SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME WITH FAMILY.**

**CG: YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO FILL ME IN ON THE NATURE OF THE PROBLEM.**

**GG: okay...**

**GG: i made the mistake of prototyping my dream self who has been dead for years**

**GG: and shes completely crazy and theres no talking any sense into her**

**CG: HMM.**

**GG: hmm?**

**CG: YES. "HMM."**

**GG: hmm what**

**CG: HMM AS IN HMM INTERESTING.**

**CG: AS IN HMM HOW VERY, VERY FUCKING INTERESTING INDEED.**

**GG: :\**

**GG: what are you getting at?**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I GETTING AT. **

**CG: I'M GETTING AT WHATEVER HMM INTERESTING GETS AT. **

**CG: PLEASE GO ON, I'M LISTENING TO YOUR PROBLEM. **

**GG: well...**

**GG: i mean, i understand why she is upset**

**GG: but she is completely inconsolable, and wont listen to reason about anything!**

**GG: and i guess i could deal with that but...**

**GG: the frustrating thing is that shes actually me :(**

**GG: i really dont think i would act like that**

**CG: HMMMMM. **

**GG: will you stop saying hmm!**

**CG: OK, FINE. **

**CG: WHAT OTHER SEQUENCE OF LETTERS WOULD YOU HAVE ME USE TO REGISTER MY PROFOUND FASCINATION. **

**GG: fascination?**

**GG: what do you find so fascinating?**

**CG: I'M JUST TRYING TO UNDERSTAND. **

**CG: I AM BEING SENSITIVE ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF A RAGING FUCKASS, ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT. **

**CG: YES, IT IS, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME JUST ASK FUTURE YOU, ASSUMING THAT CONVERSATION DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY AS WELL. **

**CG: NOW TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. **

**GG: my feelings?**

**CG: YES, HOW DID THIS MAKE YOU FEEL. **

**GG: well...**

**GG: at first i was sad**

**GG: because she made me remember all the sad things that just happened**

**GG: but im trying to be strong about all that so we can keep moving forward**

**GG: and if i can then why cant she?**

**GG: but she just went on and on**

**GG: and i started getting angry...**

**GG: ugh i have never been so angry in my LIFE!**

**CG: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. **

**GG: I SAID STOP SAYING FUCKING HMM**

**CG: o:B **

**GG: what does THAT mean?**

**GG: is that supposed to be someone with a halo and goofy teeth?**

**GG: ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?**

**CG: NO, NO **

**CG: YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT BACKWARDS **

**CG: THOSE ARE MY HORNS **

**GG: oh**

**GG: haha oops**

**CG: OK SO IF I'M UNDERSTANDING YOU **

**CG: YOU'RE ANGRY AT A VERSION OF YOURSELF FROM A DIFFERENT POINT IN TIME **

**CG: BECAUSE SHE'S BEING AN OVERLY EMOTIONAL SHITHEAD WHO IS BASICALLY THE MOST REVOLTING SELF LOATHING PIECE OF FILTH YOU HAVE EVER MET **

**CG: AM I FOLLOWING **

**GG: yeah, pretty much**

**CG: I'M NOT GOING TO SAY HMM AGAIN **

**CG: BUT COME ON **

**CG: DON'T YOU FIND THE SITUATION TO BE JUST THE SLIGHTEST BIT INTERESTING? **

**CG: I MEAN, CONSIDERING **

**GG: considering what?**

**CG: IF I RECALL, IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO FROM EITHER OF OUR PERSPECTIVES THAT YOU WERE RIPPING ON ME AND MY SMUG WINDBAG FUTURE SELF FOR ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER **

**GG: oh come on...**

**GG: this is NOTHING like that!**

**CG: HOW IS THIS NOT LIKE THAT **

**GG: because she's...**

**GG: well**

**GG: she's ACTUALLY INSANE**

**CG: OH I SEE, AND ALL THOSE IDIOT PAST AND FUTURE KARKATS WEREN'T? **

**GG: but**

**GG: those are you**

**GG: im not her!**

**CG: OH AREN'T YOU **

**CG: YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE, I JUST HEARD YOU SAY THAT **

**CG: SO TELL ME **

**CG: HOW IS THIS EVEN THE SLIGHTEST FUCKING BIT DIFFERENT? **

**GG: i dont know**

**GG: it just...**

**CG: YES, GO ON **

**CG: I'M REALLY CURIOUS **

**CG: HOW **

**GG: ...**

**GG: oh my god**

**GG: youre right :(**

Karkat couldn't help but imagine Jade and Jadesprite kissing. It was like his self-kismesissitude.

**GG: so then i guess**

**GG: im a hypocrite :(**

**CG: NOT REALLY**

**CG: IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE A SANE RATIONAL PERSON, AND THERE JUST MIGHT BE HOPE FOR YOU YET**

**GG: wait...**

**GG: so me arguing with my dead dream self**

**GG: and smacking her around while screaming at her**

**GG: makes me SANE?**

**CG: YES, ABSOLUTELY.**

**CG: IT MEANS ALL OF YOUR HIDEOUS FLAWS DISGUST YOU.**

**CG: YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE DISGUSTED, IT'S MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE CAN SAY FOR THEMSELVES.**

**CG: REALLY, CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER.**

**GG: hahaha, wow**

**GG: you are so weird**

**CG: CONGRATULATIONS, IN ADDITION TO, JUST MAYBE, AN APOLOGY.**

**CG: DON'T YOU THINK?**

**GG: you want me to apologize?!**

**GG: for what, calling you crazy for arguing with yourself?**

**CG: WOULD IT REALLY KILL YOU TO CONSIDER IT?**

**GG: after taking so much crap from you for all those years?**

**GG: no forget it, im not apologizing that is BULLSHIT**

**CG: DEAD DREAM DOG JADE, IS THAT YOU? YOU'RE SOUNDING A BIT HYSTERICAL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN.**

**GG: shut uuuup!**

**CG: WELL IF YOU CAN MANAGE TO GET YOUR ANEURYSM UNDER CONTROL**

**CG: MAYBE YOU WILL REALIZE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SPECIFY TO WHOM AN APOLOGY WAS IN ORDER.**

**CG: IDIOT.**

**GG: what**

**GG: are you saying you want to apologize**

**CG: I GUESS**

**CG: THIS APOLOGY WAS GOING TO GO DOWN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, SO THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE THE TIME.**

**CG: AND LET'S FACE IT, I WAS REALLY BEING THE WORST KIND OF PHLEGM BUBBLE BLOWN OUT A NOISY GLISTENING ASS.**

**CG: SO I'M SORRY.**

**CG: BUT TO BE FAIR, IT WAS MY PAST SELF WHO WAS GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME, AND HE'S COMPLETELY DERANGED.**

**GG: ok, i appreciate the THOUGHT of an apology, but i dont know if it really counts if you are just going to pawn off responsibility on your "past self" again!**

**GG: maybe your "present self" should own up to it!**

**CG: YEAH THAT'S WHAT HE'S DOING.**

**CG: HE, BEING ME, RIGHT NOW, IS OWNING UP TO WHAT A FUCKING RETARD PAST ME WAS, AND CONTINUES TO BE.**

**GG: laaaaame**

**CG: YES, I KNOW IT'S LAME.**

**CG: OR I KNOW THAT YOU THINK IT'S LAME WHEN I SAY SHIT LIKE THAT.**

**CG: BECAUSE REMEMBER**

**CG: I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO YOU FROM THE FUTURE, AND I KNOW YOU DON'T COTTON TO MY PCG/FCG STUPIDITY.**

**CG: BUT SEE, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YET.**

**CG: OR MORE SPECIFICALLY, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YET.**

**CG: SO I'M KIND OF PULLING A FAST ONE HERE.**

**GG: hahahaha, that is so ridiculous**

**GG: why dont you stop it with all this nonsense and own up to being terrible unequivocally?**

**CG: YEAH I'M GOING TO.**

**CG: THE THING IS, I KIND OF MISREPRESENTED MYSELF.**

**CG: I'M NOT AS MUCH OF A SCUMBAG AS I WAS SO DETERMINED TO MAKE OUT WITH MYSELF TO BE.**

**CG: FUCK I MEAN**

**CG: MAKE MYSELF OUT TO BE**

**GG: :o**

**CG: I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I TROLLED YOU LIKE THAT SO PERSISTENTLY**

**CG: FOR SOME REASON DEEP DOWN I JUST KNEW THAT I HAD TO**

**CG: EVEN IF IT MEANT DIGGING MYSELF INTO A HUGE HOLE WITH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE THAT WOULD BE HARD TO CLIMB OUT OF**

**CG: AND LIKE PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING I SAID WAS COMPLETELY BASELESS BECAUSE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW YOU**

**CG: JUST LIKE YOU DIDN'T AND STILL DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW ME**

**CG: SO I GUESS I AM APOLOGIZING FOR IT, LIKE REALLY SERIOUSLY NOW.**

**CG: I, PRESENT KARKAT, IN THE CURRENT MOMENT, APOLOGIZE ON BEHALF OF MY STUPID PAST SELF, *WHO IS ACTUALLY ME*.**

**CG: THE GUY TALKING RIGHT NOW.**

**CG: LIKE, THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THOSE GUYS, OK?**

**GG: hmmmm...**

**CG: HMMMM?**

**GG: yes, hm**

**CG: HM WHAT**

**GG: ok karkat, that sounds pretty sincere to me**

**GG: and youre right, i dont actually know you**

**GG: i just know the part of you who acted like a bully**

**GG: i understand there can be more to a person than just the stuff they say when theyre angry**

**GG: so i will accept your apology and give you another chance**

**CG: OK, GREAT.**

**GG: and i will apologize for calling you crazy**

**GG: obviously i am not in much position to judge :|**

**CG: NO BUT**

**CG: YOU WERE RIGHT, I AM CRAZY**

**CG: BUT THANKS ANYWAY**

**GG: so you say you have been talking to me from the future?**

**CG: YEAH**

**CG: MAKING PLANS AND WHATNOT**

**CG: TO PRY OURSELVES MUTUALLY OUT OF THIS MASSIVE MOBIUS DOUBLE CLUSTERFUCK.**

**GG: ok, so what is the plan?**

**GG: i mean, why did you want me to contact you at this moment so badly?**

**CG: OK WELL THE MOST IMMEDIATE POINT OF BUSINESS IS**

**CG: YOU SEE THAT GLOWING BLUE SCREEN BEHIND YOU?**

**GG: yes**

**CG: YOU NEED TO TURN THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT OFF.**

Karkat shook his head to get the vision of Jade kissing herself out of his mind.

**GG: ok, i can do that**

**GG: but why, what does it do?**

**GG: its been here my whole life and i could never figure it out**

**CG: I'M NOT GOING TO SAY MUCH ABOUT IT.**

**CG: BUT SUFFICE TO SAY THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SCREW WITH.**

**CG: THERE ARE OUTCOMES THAT ARE EVEN WORSE THAN THE COMPLETE ANNIHILATION OF EXISTENCE ITSELF**

**CG: FORCES MORE DAMAGING TO THE INTEGRITY OF REALITY THAN THOSE CAPABLE OF TURNING IMAGINATION INTO PURE VOID**

**CG: THEY ARE FORCES WHICH IF HANDLED RECKLESSLY WILL NULLIFY THE BASIC ABILITY OF INTELLIGENT BEINGS IN ALL REAL AND HYPOTHETICAL PLANES OF EXISTENCE TO GIVE A SHIT.**

**GG: i dont think im following...**

**CG: YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW**

**CG: ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TURN THE THING OFF**

**CG: AND THEN DO THE NEXT THING I WAS TOLD TO TELL YOU TO DO.**

**GG: you were told?**

**GG: by who?**

**CG: BY YOU.**

**GG: oh...**

**GG: future me?**

**CG: YES.**

**CG: YOU COULD BE TELLING YOURSELF THIS RIGHT NOW, BUT WE'RE SORT OF WORKING ON A STRICT NO MEMO POLICY.**

**CG: WHICH IS YOUR IDEA OF COURSE.**

**CG: DID I MENTION HOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHEN WE ARGUE WITH OUR PAST/FUTURE SELVES? YES, PRETTY SURE I DID.**

**CG: SO I'M GOING ALONG WITH THE POLICY AS BEST I CAN.**

**CG: I AM BEING PLEASANT AND AGREEABLE, AND I WILL GENTLY LOWER A MAGNIFICENT, CORUSCATING COLUMN OF HOT FUCK YOU DOWN THE PROTEIN CHUTE OF ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.**

**GG: uh... ok**

**GG: well it sounds like a pretty good policy to me!**

**CG: YOU DON'T SAY.**

**CG: SO ANYWAY, BECAUSE OF THAT, MY ROLE AT THE MOMENT IS TO ACT AS A SORT OF GO BETWEEN FOR YOU AND YOUR FUTURE SELF**

**CG: TO HELP ALONG THE PROCESS OF MAKING THESE PLANS**

**CG: WHILE YOUR FUTURE SELF IS DELIBERATELY VAGUE ABOUT SOME STUFF SO AS NOT TO "JINX" THE CONCEPTION OF THE IDEAS IN THE FIRST PLACE I GUESS?**

**CG: ALL WHILE YOUR CURRENT SELF IS NECESSARILY KIND OF DUMB ABOUT EVERYTHING.**

**GG: hey!**

**CG: SORRY, OK, JUST KIND OF IGNORANT**

**CG: BECAUSE STUFF HASN'T HAPPENED YET**

**CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.**

**CG: IT'S NOT ALL THAT STRAIGHTFORWARD FOR ME EITHER, BUT I'M USED TO THIS SORT OF IDIOCY BY NOW.**

**CG: IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN THE MORONIC REVERSE CONVERSATION WITH EGBERT I TRAPPED MYSELF INTO.**

**CG: MEANWHILE TIME IS KIND OF RUNNING OUT HERE, WHERE I AM**

**CG: WE'RE COUNTING DOWN TO SOMETHING**

**CG: SOMETHING LOOMING ON THE TROLLIAN TIMELINE AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT IS**

**CG: AND MY TEAM IS KIND OF FALLING APART**

**CG: I'M COMPLETELY LOSING TRACK OF EVERYONE AND WHAT THEY'RE DOING.**

**CG: SO AT THIS POINT I'M JUST GOING ALONG WITH WHATEVER THERE IS TO GO ALONG WITH.**

**CG: AND THAT IS YOU AND YOUR CRAZY FUTURE PLANS.**

**CG: AND THE SCRATCH.**

**GG: oh yeah! dave told me about that.**

**GG: what is it?**

**CG: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!**

**CG: AT ONE POINT I THOUGHT I DID, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST WHATEVER SENT JACK HERE.**

**CG: BUT CLEARLY IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.**

**CG: ARADIA KNEW BUT SHE DIDN'T SAY, AND THEN SHE WENT AND GODDAMN EXPLODED.**

**CG: YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME EITHER, BECAUSE I'M NOT "SUPPOSED TO KNOW" YET.**

**CG: WHATEVER, I DON'T EVEN CARE, LET'S JUST DO IT.**

**GG: ok then...**

**GG: what was the thing i told you to tell me to do?**

**GG: right now, i mean**

**CG: OK, DON'T ASK ME WHY, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THAT EITHER.**

**CG: BUT THAT BLUE SCREEN THERE**

**CG: FIRST, LIKE I SAID, SHUT IT OFF**

**GG: ok**

**GG: then what**

**CG: THEN YOU NEED TO DRAW IT.**

**GG: draw it?**

**CG: YES**

**GG: and then?**

**CG: THEN NOTHING**

**CG: THAT'S IT.**

Jade sized up the arcane contraption. The blue flicker of the Cairo Overcoat's lining was arresting. But Jade didn't know it was a coat. That would only invite more questions. She didn't know what it shielded. Nor did she know whose shoulders it was meant to cover. If she'd known that - if she'd even known his name - she would understand terror no human ever had.

She should really listen to Karkat and turn it off. If she started messing with it, I would seriously start fucking everything up. It would be irresponsible of both of us to let that happen.

Jade suddenly wondered where Jadesprite had gone. She wondered that because I said she did. I know where she went. But I will not say. Not that Jade could hear a word I was saying. The coat was too thick.

She turned the wall before everything could get fucked up. Everything went black.


	108. Book 7 Chapter 14: The Mayor's Dream

Chapter 14: The Mayor's Dream

Back in WV's station, one of the walls that had once been covered with a chalk drawing of The Medium lay in shambles. Large chunks of it had been taken out, leaving only LOHAC and LOLAR left. In WV's attempt to find an exit, he'd pried some paneling off the walls. But behind it was a mess of wires and then the outside of the ship. He was no closer to finding a means to escape.

So he had resolved to build a fort instead. He felt safe and sound in the cozy confines of his wobbly station panel walls. It allowed him to relax and pass the time, while he waited for the only source of energy he was aware of to present itself.

Serenity had humored these antics long enough. It was time she slipped out the partially-opened door to seek help, since her beloved master had clearly gone stark raving mad.

The new queen was eager for WV's council. She wished to know the royal itinerary she inherited. The itinerary, for now, was simple. PM must wait for her four and final subject to arrive.

A fifth Exile, sleeping for centuries in the belly of the ruins, far beneath the desecrated idol once sharing its visage with the legendary Speaker of the Vast Croak, Bilius Slick.

Soon the Writ Keeper (WK) would arrive and serve his new queen. It was then that her work would begin.

PM asked for clarification on the nature of the work, which the Questant was happy to provide. She explained that it was very simple. As the new queen, the Prospitian Monarch would be charged with bringing the Sovereign Slayer to justice, and rebuilding her kingdom in a new land. Her Majesty was again overwhelmed.

And once again, WQ explained that PM would have help. She may choose to appoint a Wastelandic Vindicator as her kingdom's hero, a warrior selected and groomed to face the slayer with the weapon he protected - the ring.

But first, there would be tidying up to do. Explosives would be needed. If she were to appoint a brave Armaments Regent for her kingdom, AR could be of assistance.

Once the Regent's task was complete, the queen would use WQ's key to set the destination for her royal entourage. And once all the pieces were in place, all of the vessels were to be destroyed by AR's explosives.

Serenity flew up to WQ and PM, interrupted whatever nonsense they were planning with an extremely urgent message!

"Help!" she blinked. "My friend is stuck inside the big can, inside a small house he built! You must hurry, he is not very bright and he doesn't understand it when I blink! Are you watching me? Oh no, don't blink me you don't understand blinking either! How do you people even exchange ideas without luminous rear ends!"

Unfortunately, her simple message could not seem to penetrate their thick carapaces. Didn't ANYBODY in this stupid desert speak blinking?

AR had heard that the new queen in town needed a powdermonkey on the double. As the kingdom's new regent, whatever that was, he sprung into action. This was something he could handle. Anything to take his mind off that terribly pointy head that fell on the illegal statue. Until he had to rig that one with bombs too, that is.

WV sat in his little fort, asleep.

"What a daring dream," Serenity blinked. WV was dreaming of The Battlefield. Prospit's moon was falling down towards them.

"To combine the finest qualities of humanity with the elegance and nobility of the animal kingdom." The Mayor lay in his rag of souls, sleeping with a sock on his head.

In the make-believe dream kingdom, a shadow gathered outside The Mayor's house.

"How you wish you could know their world," Serenity continued.

"To hear one night those muted pawpads traipse up your stairs…" The shadow pattered up the steps lightly.

"A low but friendly grown unsettles your slumber." The Mayor woke up and yawned. Someone was by his bed.

"And as the sopor seeps from your eyes…" He opened his eyes blearily.

"They detect a sharp pair of ears cutting moonlight." The Mayor looked at the silhouette of the shadow in the window.

"A mysterious wolven tongue invites." A wispy shadow of darkness extended from Bec Noir's mouth.

"Wouldn't these ears suit you?" The Mayor's monocle dropped in shock.

"Would not this proud long snout assist you in the hunt?"

The Mayor floated through the dream, snout and ears fully extended. He put his only hand to the scratch on his eye. And then the sword was through his stomach. He flailed about, the feeling uncomfortable. And then there was the piece of uranium, shining through his digestive system. It exploded and The Mayor was left standing in the center of The Battlefield with the glowing green fire around him. He raised his bloody hand to look at it and then looked out at the Prospitians and Dersians.

Memories WV had no desire to remember flooded through him as he used the Red Miles from Jack Noir's perspective. He looked at his bloody hand. "No!" he screamed hoarsely as all of the carapacians were disemboweled by the red energy.

Suddenly, a weird bug approached him. This must be his lucky day. One of its horns was curved like the end of a wrench and the other was pointed downwards at the end, kind of like an arrowhead. One of its eyes was actually surrounded by eight smaller eyes. Its torso was blue and orange.

**Bug: ... . -.- / -.- - ..- !**

**Bug: .- ..- ... - / .- ... .- - / -.. - / -.- - ..- / - ... .. -. -.- / -.- - ..- .-. . / .-. .-.. .- -. -. .. -. -. / - -. / -.. - .. -. -. / .- .. - ... / - ... .- - / .-. .. -. -. ?**

**Bug: .- ... .- - . ...- . .-. / .. - / .. ... / ..-. - .-. -. . - / .. - ! **

**Bug: - ... . / ... .-.. .- -.- . .-. / .. ... / - .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. -. . ::::)**

**Bug: -. - .- / .- -.. -.- . / ..- .-. !**

God tier Vriska kicked The Mayor in the nose

**Bug: I said w88888888ke!**

4 hours and 13 minutes before the critical moment, Feferi was asleep and dreaming of Derse. And then before she could realize what was happening, Bec Noir cut her in half and sped off. He landed on Derse, in front of Nepeta, pulled the sword from his stomach, and stabbed her twice. He then kicked her aside with a large "doof" and the dying troll girl watched as Bec raised his hand and used his first guardian energy to destroy all of Derse. An arm appeared out of a blue portal and got momentarily singed by the green fire.

While this was happening, Aradia lay on her quest bed in the center of Derse. As Noir's energy reached her, her dream self died and Aradiabot robosploded. The burning troll girl within Derse rose into the air and became god tier. Her god tier outfit was exactly like Vriska's, except the whole thing was red, including the wings, and the symbol on her shirt was the gear representing the Time aspect.

Bec Noir recognized the ascent and entered the core of the moon, flying towards Aradia with his sword out in front of him. But Aradia used her god tier time powers and froze Bec in his place.

Some time later, 3 hours and 14 minutes before the critical moment, god tier Vriska lept through the sky in search of Tavros. She soon found him and landed before him. She grinned and held her hand out, then pointed her thumb down. Tavros held the top of a host plush and did the same.

Vriska held out Tavros's severed legs and the boy yelled in rage before charging her, lance pointed straight at her heart. As soon as he came close though, she slapped him and pulled the lance from his grasp. She then stabbed him through the ring of the Taurus symbol on his shirt and pushed him down the gap in the ground that the biclops had made at one point during Alterniabound (which I doubt you remember).

Vriska waved as he fell and fell and fell and… with a loud crash he fell on one of the platforms in Terezi's labyrinth. Pyrope turned around and saw Tav's dead body lying on the ground. "Oh god!" she cried.


	109. Book 7 Chapter 15: Breeding Duties

Chapter 15: Breeding Duties

Kanaya viewed Rose on Trollian. There was one moment that she had already viewed a hundred times. It was no less confounding on her one hundred and first. There was nothing otherwise unusual about the scene. A simple girl was understandably preoccupied by her handsome assortment of orbs, while surrounded by her ever-growing band of amphibious and reptilian acolytes. She was speaking with the other girl, Jade. And then… darkness.

Kanaya had one lead in her investigation. But she hadn't been very helpful so far.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**GA: Are You Feeling Any More Cooperative In This Timeframe**

**GG: password!**

**GA: I See No Of Course Not**

**GA: Please**

**GA: I Know You Were Talking To Her Shortly Before**

**GA: What Did You Say To Her**

**GG: I SAID PASSWORD FUCKASS!**

**GA: Wow**

**GG: whoops sorry**

**GG: ive been having too many password arguments with karkat i guess :p**

**GA: I Still Dont Understand The Password Thing**

**GA: Past You Doesnt Care About Passwords What Happened**

**GG: well...**

**GG: it depends, do you want to have a silly conversation or a serious conversation?**

**GA: Which Is Favorable**

**GG: both are!**

**GG: but a silly conversation mostly doesnt matter or make the timeline more confusing than it needs to be**

**GG: so we can have one right now if you want**

**GG: in fact i would say it is coming dangerously close to being one already!**

**GG: but if it is a serious conversation you want then im afraid i must demand a...**

**GG: PASSWORD :P**

**GA: Can We Discuss A Serious Issue In A Silly Manner**

**GG: nope!**

**GA: How Am I Supposed To Know The Password**

**GG: because i told you**

**GA: I Dont Remember That**

**GG: exactly!**

**GA: I Feel Like I Am Trudging Waist Deep Through A Slither Basin Full Of Your Human Surprise Noodles**

**GG: hehehe**

**GG: yum :B ?**

**GA: I Understand This Silliness Is Currently Permissible But Are Serious Questions About The Password Nonsense Permissible As Well**

**GG: hmm, i suppose those are acceptable**

**GA: Why Are You Demanding Passwords From Me And Also Apparently Karkat**

**GG: to keep the conversations linear!**

**GG: i gave you a password at the end of our previous conversation**

**GG: you have to give me that password to start our next conversation**

**GG: this ensures that past you cant jump ahead into the conversation and mess everything up, like you are trying to do now!**

**GA: I Am Not Trying To Do That**

**GG: i know, but trust me its better this way :)**

**GA: When Will I Get The Password**

**GG: i dont know, i have no idea what time you are from!**

**GG: but you will get it, i gave it to you some time ago at the end of our last conversation**

**GG: and i have been eagerly awaiting your linear and unconfusing reply ever since!**

**GG: bye kanaya 3**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **ceased being trolled by grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]****-**

Maybe past Jade would be more cooperative, or at least give her a password. Kanaya contacted the girl, who was apparently flying up the side of her built-up tower at the time.

**\- grimAuxiliatrix ****[GA]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**GA: Im Appreciating Our Conversations From This Timeframe More And More**

**GA: Past You Is Much Less Of A Taskmaster Than Future You Or Pre Blackout Rose**

**GG: thanks i think!**

**GG: what do you mean by pre blackout rose?**

**GA: I Mean Post Blackout Rose Is A Lot Less Difficult Insofar As She Is Unavailable**

**GG: umm, ok...**

**GG: but what do you mean by blackout?**

**GA: I Guess Youll Find Out Soon**

**GA: And Then Report It To Me Under Extremely Specific Circumstances**

**GA: Which Is Good Because I Sure Dont Know**

**GG: hmm _ **

**GA: Yes Hmm And That Face Is A Good Response**

**GA: Your Eyes Are Right To Be Swirled Letters**

**GA: What Are You Doing**

**GG: im doing what you told me to do!**

**GG: im getting dave to set up that expensive equipment**

**GG: so i can start doing all that witch of spacey stuff you were telling me about**

**GG: which i appreciate, since my sprite turned out to be sad and useless, and not very wise at all :(**

**GA: I See**

**GA: Well I Didnt Actually Tell You To I Was Just Being Informative**

**GA: Also It Isnt Technically Witch Of Spacey Stuff**

**GA: I Was A Sylph Not A Witch**

**GG: oh**

**GG: what is a sylph?**

**GA: I Think Its Sort Of Like A Witch**

**GA: But More Magical**

**GG: a magical witch?**

**GA: Yes Im Completely Certain Of That Suddenly**

**GG: thats awesome**

**GA: But Regardless I Think Our Roles Are Approximately The Same Since We Are Both Stokers Of The Forge**

**GA: As Well As Holders Of Breeding Duties**

**GA: However I Should Clarify That My Earlier Counsel Was Mostly Academic**

**GA: It Takes Weeks To Do All Of It Properly**

**GA: You Wont Have Time**

**GG: breeding duties?**

Kanaya looked at the matriorb she held in her hand and replied.

**GA: Yeah**

**GG: uhhhhhhhhh...**

**GG: please tell me that doesnt involve what it sounds like!**

**GA: What Does It Sound Like**

**GG: it sounds like**

**GG: it involves**

**GG: a lot of breeding :\**

**GA: Well It Does**

**GA: But Not Breeding Through Means Typical Of Most Species**

**GG: oh**

**GG: does the equipment we are deploying have anything to do with it?**

**GA: It Has A Lot To Do With It**

**GA: It Is Cloning Equipment Much Like What Is Scattered All Over The Veil**

**GA: The Same Kind Responsible For Creating All Of Us**

**GG: ok then, thats pretty neat**

**GA: I Didnt Mean To Alarm You By Implying You Were Required To Wage A Great Deal Of Personal Procreation Over A Span Of Several Weeks**

**GG: yeah, whew _;**

**GA: Though It Should Be Clear That Repopulation Is Among Our Duties As Well In The Long Term**

**GA: And Ive Gathered That The Cloning Apparatus In The Veil Is Probably Meant To Permit An Initial Boost On The World We Select For Settlement**

**GA: But Beyond That It Is Up To The Descendants To Perpetuate The Race**

**GA: And Your Species Has Quite An Advantage In This Respect**

**GG: how so?**

**GA: Your Procreation May Be Carried Out By Paired Individuals Autonomously**

**GA: Whereas Ours May Not**

**GA: Which Is What Makes My Role Particularly Important**

**GG: what is your role?**

**GA: Im The Keeper Of The Matriorb**

**GA: It Is An Egg That Will Hatch A New Mother Grub**

**GA: She Alone Will Be Responsible For Bearing Our Young**

**GG: whoa, cool!**

**GG: so you are like bugs, like bees or ants or such, but with horns**

**GA: I Guess So**

**GA: And You Are Like Erect Livestock**

**GA: Without The Muscle Definition**

**GA: Or The Hermaphroditic Physiology For That Matter**

**GG: :o**

**GA: But Milk Producers Nonetheless**

**GA: That Rare Kind Of Organism To Nurture Hatchless Young Within**

**GA: Are You Not**

**GG: errr...**

**GG: yes 8|**

**GA: Anyway**

**GA: I Had Imagined I Would Hatch The New Grub On A Planet In Your Universe**

**GA: And When That Became Impossible I Quickly Lost Hope**

**GA: I Assumed It Would Remain Locked In Its Card Forever**

**GA: Which Could Only Be Opened When The Orb Was Meant To Be Used**

**GA: But Then I Found Something Quite Unexpected When I Was Exploring This Lab**

**GA: I Found A Key**

**GA: It Was Deep In The Meteor**

**GA: And As I Suspected It Released The Orb**

**GA: Which Was Really Confusing To Me For A While**

**GA: Until I Realized What It Meant**

**GA: Which Is So Obvious Im Amazed I Didnt Think Of It Right Away**

**GG: what! **

**GA: It Means I Am Supposed To Use It Now**

**GA: To Hatch The Grub In The Heart Of This Meteor**

**GG: you think so?**

**GA: Sure **

**GA: There Is No Reason A Meteor Couldnt Act As The Center Of Our Races Resurrection **

**GA: They Are Themselves Like Large Seeds After All **

**GA: The Only Question Is Whether We Can Manage To Keep It From Being Destroyed **

**GA: As Well As Whether I Am Able To Raise A Mother Grub To Maturity **

**GA: Oh Wow That Thought Is Actually Pretty Overwhelming **

**GG: i think you can do it!**

**GA: You Do **

**GG: yes...**

**GG: didnt you say your lusus was a grub?**

**GA: Yes She Was In Fact A Mother Grub **

**GA: Who Relinquished Her Calling As Matriarch To Raise Me **

**GG: thats perfect!**

**GG: if you were raised by a mother grub, then you are in a great position to raise one yourself**

**GG: it is like...**

**GG: a sort of family legacy!**

**GG: a really cool alien family legacy**

**GA: Okay **

**GA: Thanks For Saying So**

Jade finally reached the top of her tower.

**GG: dont mention it!**

**GG: so how does this cloning stuff work?**

**GA: Its Very Involved**

**GA: Like I Said You Wont Have Time**

**GA: In Fact It Probably Should Have Taken Considerably Longer Than It Took Me**

**GA: I Was A Little Rushed**

**GG: i want to try anyway!**

**GG: if you can hold out hope for rebuilding your race in the center of a meteor, then i think i can at least try to get a little cloning done with the time i have left**

**GA: Yes Youre Right**

**GA: I Cant Imagine How You Can Complete The Objective In The Time Given**

**GA: But Weirder Things Have Happened I Think**

**GA: First Deploy The Pad**

**GG: yes, dave is doing that at the top of this ridiculous tower**

**GA: Um**

**GA: Why All The Way Up There**

**GG: didnt you say it needed to be in a warm place?**

**GA: Yes Thats Right**

**GG: my house is freezing now**

**GG: it ran on geothermal power before...**

**GG: and i guess theres no heat anywhere inside this planet**

**GA: That Will Probably Change If You Light The Forge**

**GA: But One Thing At A Time I Guess**

**GG: yes i would like to hear about that later...**

**GG: but yeah the weather seems just fine out here in the medium!**

**GG: lets see how dave is doing...**

Dave deployed the cloning apparatus at the top of the tower. Jade looked at it and raised her eyebrows. The machine was about as tall as she and her foot was wider than the cloning pad itself.

**GG: its...**

**GG: so small :o**

**GA: Thats The Appropriate Size For The Equipment**

**GG: but**

**GG: clone babies can barely even fit on that thing!**

**GA: Babies**

**GA: What**

**GG: i mean young humans!**

**GG: you know, that we milk producers nurture hatchless within?**

**GA: Yes I Know**

**GA: I Didnt Mean To Suggest Your Breeding Duties Involved Cloning Humans**

**GA: Repopulation Is Not Whats Happening Here**

**GA: Its Not Your Objective As The Witch Of Space**

**GA: Not Yet Anyway**

**GG: then what is the objective?**

**GG: what am i breeding?**

**GA: Frogs**

**GG: :O**

**GA: Sorry I Thought That Was Obvious**

Jade leaned over the tiny cloning pad.

**GG: i cant get over how tiny this thing is!**

**GG: its so cute**

**GG: so the baby frogs show up on this pad here?**

**GA: Yes **

**GG: i cant wait to try it**

**GA: What Are You Laughing At There **

**GG: oh**

**GG: lol**

**GG: dave just has a lot of funny stuff to say about all this**

**GA: What Is He Saying **

**GG: oh you know, a bunch of silly stuff**

**GG: theres too much to copy/paste!**

**GA: Hmm **

**GG: here ill save it all to a file and send it to you**

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **sent grimAuxiliatrix** **[GA] ****the file " " - **

**GA: Okay Im Laughing Pretty Hard At All That **

**GG: hahaha**

**GG: alright how do i get started!**

**GA: He Will Need To Deploy The Terminal **

**GA: Then You Can Start Hunting For Frogs To Appearify From Around Your World**

Dave deployed the terminal as soon as Jade told him to and they all looked at the screen, which showed the crosshairs over a frog.

**GG: ok, here is a frog on the screen**

**GG: on no, is it trapped in ice?**

**GA: I Would Conjecture That Most Of Them Are**

**GA: And Will Stay That Way Until The Forge Is Brought To Life**

**GA: I Think The Event Is Designed To Trigger Drastic Planetary Upheaval Wherever The Forge Is Stationed**

**GA: It Did On My Planet As Well**

**GG: was your planet covered in ice too?**

**GA: No Mostly Water**

**GG: cool!**

**GG: anyway, i will try to rescue this frog**

**GG: so i push this button to appearify it?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: It Probably Wont Do Any Good But You Can Try**

**GG: ok...**

Jade pushed the button and the frog appeared.

**GG: oh god, it is still a frogcicle!**

**GG: this will not do**

**GA: The Problem Isnt That The Frog Is Still Frozen**

**GA: The Problem Is That You Were Able To Appearify It At All**

**GA: Ectobiology Is Based Entirely On Your Inability To Appearify A Subject**

**GG: i dont understand!**

**GG: but i am intrigued...**

**GA: If That Frog Were Destined To Do Something Else**

**GA: Such As Become Ensnared In Your Net Later**

**GA: You Would Not Be Able To Appearify It Because That Would Cause A Paradox**

**GA: So Instead You Would Appearify Its Slime Imprint**

**GA: The Paradox Slime Is What Is Important Here**

**GA: You Can Mix It With The Slime From Other Paradoxically Appearified Frog Imprints**

**GA: Study The Genes And Selectively Combine**

**GA: And Then Create Resulting Paradox Clones**

**GG: ok, that makes sense i think**

**GG: how can i appearify some frog slime?**

**GA: You Will Need To Direct The Terminal To Another Frog**

**GA: And Then You Must Be Sure Later To Interfere With That Frog In Some Way**

**GA: For Instance By Planning To Venture Out To Capture That Exact Frog As I Suggested Earlier**

**GA: That Way It Will Be Impossible To Appearify The Frog Before Your Interference Has Taken Place**

**GA: Only Its Slime Will Arrive**

**GG: so it is like**

**GG: a sort of backwards frog breeding**

**GG: clone first, catch later?**

**GA: Yes**

**GG: ok, i will try this**

**GG: heheh, look at this handsome guy here, hiding in the woods and being sneaky**

**GG: he looks frozen solid too**

**GG: so if i go bother him later, that means if i try to take him now i will only get slime right?**

**GA: Yes That Should Work **

**GA: Make A Note Of The Coordinates **

**GA: When You Travel To Interact With Your Cloned Subjects You Are Also Taking The Opportunity To Explore And Discover New Habitats **

**GA: As Well As New Species Of Frogs For Your Terminal To Track **

**GA: Its Efficient To Go Adventuring In This Fashion While You Are Waiting For Your Young Clones To Mature **

**GG: that sounds like fun!**

**GA: Yes Its A Lot Of Fun **

**GA: It Is Also Extremely Time Consuming **

**GA: Unlike Some Appearifiers In The Veil This One Is Locked To The Present Moment **

**GA: You Cannot Use It As A Window Into The Future Or Past And Isolate Frogs Whose Futures Are Certain And Therefore Most Paradoxifiable **

**GA: Means Of Expedition Are Limited **

**GA: I Suppose You Could Use Time Travel To Accelerate The Process **

**GA: But You Would Need To Establish Weeks Worth Of Stable Time Loops **

**GA: I Think It Would Be An Overly Elaborate And Dangerous Undertaking Personally And Anyone Who Would Attempt Such A Thing Is Reckless **

**GA: I Wouldnt Advise It **

**GG: hmmmmm**

**GG: k hang on while i clone this fella...**

Jade attempted to appearify the frog, but only a paradox sludge was created, which entered one of the tubes on the side. A little tadpole appeared on the cloning pad.

**GG: yaaaaaay!**

**GA: Youll Need Somewhere To Keep Them While They Grow**

**GA: Like A Pool Or A Tank Or Such**

**GA: Or At Least Something Temporary**

**GA: Water Wasnt Very Hard For Me To Come By But For You I Dont Know**

**GG: i will think of something...**

**GG: i wont let the poor little guy suffocate!**

She took the see-through 8 ball out of her sylladex, removed the eight, and placed the tadpole inside.

**GG: so i am supposed to wait for him to grow up, and then breed him with other frog paradox clones?**

**GA: Yes But This Isnt All There Is To The Cloning Process**

**GA: A True Paradox Clone Is An Exact Genetic Duplicate Of The Subject**

**GA: Later That Clone Will Be Sent Back In Time To Become Itself**

**GA: In Fact If It Is An Exact Duplicate This Is Guaranteed To Happen**

**GA: This Is What Classifies It As A Paradox Clone**

**GA: Any Duplicate Which Genetically Deviates From The Original Is Not**

**GA: It Is Simply A Mutant**

**GA: And For Breeding Purposes Mutation Is Desirable**

**GA: Within Reason**

**GA: You May Adjust The Settings On The Equipment To Promote Genetic Anomalies**

**GA: But Its Very Delicate And You Can Go Too Far**

**GA: Responsibly Guiding The Evolution Of The Genetic Code During The Breeding Process Is Very Important**

**GA: In Fact It Is The Most Important Thing About This Of All**

**GG: it is?**

**GA: Yes**

**GG: huh...**

**GG: so what is the actual purpose of all this breeding?**

**GG: am i trying to make one really special frog with just the right genetic code or something?**

**GG: sort of like the ULTIMATE FROG :O**

**GA: Actually**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: Thats Exactly What Youre Doing**

**GG: oh!**

**GA: Your Objective Is To Breed The Genesis Frog**

**GG: why?**

**GA: You Cant Complete The Game Without Doing So **

**GA: Your Entire Mission Depends On Breeding Him **

**GG: him?**

**GG: so he is a boy frog?**

**GA: Yes **

**GA: He Will Begin As A Tadpole Like You Have There But Considerably Bigger **

**GA: And He Will Mature To Become The Speaker **

**GA: A Deity Like Figure Idolized By The Consorts Who Wait For Him To Come **

**GG: the speaker?**

**GA: Hes Known As The Speaker Of The Vast Croak **

**GG: hehehe**

**GG: CROOOOOOAK**

**GA: Yes The Croak Really Is Quite Vast And Is Something To Behold **

**GA: Its The Most Amazing Thing I Have Seen **

**GG: then the speaker is like a god, but there are a lot of them?**

**GG: like one for each session, kind of like the kings and queens?**

**GA: Yes There Will Be One For Every Session Should The Players Be Successful **

**GA: And Each One Is A Unique Product Of Their Quest **

**GA: The Kingdoms Are At Odds Over His Creation **

**GA: Prospit Worships Him Much As The Consorts Do **

**GA: Derse Reviles Him And Outlaws Frogs Wherever They Can **

**GA: Even The Iconography **

**GA: Their Agents Mock His Name With Slurs **

**GA: Like Speaker Of The Vast Joke **

**GA: Or Bilious Slick **

**GA: Although To Be Honest That Is What We Ended Up Calling Him **

**GA: Not To Be Disrespectful Though It Was Just A Catchier Name **

**GG: it is pretty catchy...**

**GG: if i call him that i will be sure to say i mean no offense!**

**GA: I Doubt Its Even Possible To Offend Him **

**GG: thats good**

**GG: ok then what?**

**GG: what do we do after i make this big god froggy?**

**GG: does it have something to do with the new universe we create?**

**GA: Most Certainly **

**GG: you said he was a genesis frog**

**GG: does that mean we bring him into the universe and...**

**GG: he makes new planets or life or such?**

**GA: No **

**GA: Youre Not Really Understanding The Magnitude Of His Role **

**GA: He Is Not Responsible For Just One Aspect Of The Universe You Create **

**GA: Hes Responsible For All Of Them **

**GA: Bilious Slick Is Your Universe**


	110. Book 7 Chapter 16: Four Trolls Left

Chapter 16: Four Trolls Left in the Lab

**GG: really?**

**GA: I Dont Mean Hes The Universe You Are From**

**GA: We Engineered That Incarnation**

**GA: He Is The Universe That You Are Trying To Create**

**GG: yes i got that!**

**GA: Sorry**

**GA: I Thought It Was Obvious But Then Wasnt Sure**

**GG: you mean he is LITERALLY a universe?**

**GA: Yes Literally**

**GA: That Statement Was As Literal As You Can Possibly Make Words Be**

**GA: I Know Your Species Is Frequently Insincere For A Variety Of Reasons**

**GG: but your species is too!**

**GG: especially karkat, he is incredibly sarcastic**

**GA: Thats True But When We Do It Its Usually Just Because We Are Trying To Be Jerks**

**GA: Rather Than By Way Of A Mild Manner Perpetually Dispatching Little Puzzles Of Rhetoric Without Apparent Purpose**

**GG: but i dont do that!**

**GG: i try to say what i mean as much as i can**

**GA: Yeah I Think Ive Been Discerning That**

**GA: Its A Nice Change Of Pace**

**GG: from what?**

**GA: Oh Its Not Important**

**GG: haha, you mean from rose?**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Not That It Wasnt An Enjoyable Exercise In Xenocultural Inculcation**

**GG: yeah, rose and dave are like that all the time!**

**GG: they inculcate that stuff like crazy**

**GG: so you have been talking to her a lot i guess?**

**GA: Sort Of**

**GG: are you best friends now?**

**GA: I Guess As Mutually Friendly As The Time Has Permitted Two People To Be**

**GA: I Wont Be Speaking To Her Anymore Though**

**GG: why?**

**GG: oh yeah, because you said she is blacked out?**

**GG: what the heck does that mean!**

**GA: It Just Means In A Few Moments From Your Perspective I Wont Be Able To See Her Through My Viewport Or Talk To Her**

**GA: I Dont Know Why Exactly But Its Not That Hard To Guess**

**GA: She Has Been Relying On The Powers And Counsel Of Dark Gods And Other Sources Of Ambiguous Intent**

**GA: And She Has Consequently Devised A Plan Which Sounds Very Dangerous To Me**

**GG: yeah, i didnt like the sound of her plan either!**

**GA: You Are More Sensible**

**GA: Its Probably The Influence Skaia Has Had On You**

**GA: Having Spent Much Of Your Life Awake On Prospit**

**GA: Like Me**

**GG: you did?**

**GA: If Were Alike In Some Ways Maybe Its Because Of This**

**GG: yeah! :D**

**GA: I Woke Up A Long Time Ago**

**GA: I Had Trouble Sleeping When I Was Young**

**GA: The Sunlight Was Unnaturally Invigorating To Me I Guess**

**GA: My Lusus Could Do Nothing To Help**

**GA: And When I Was Supposed To Be In My Cocoon I Would Often Wander Out To The Desert**

**GA: Where One Day I Was Visited By A Stranger Who Dressed And Spoke In White**

**GA: He Put Me To Sleep And I Awoke On Prospit**

**GA: Where I Have Dreamed Ever Since**

**GA: He Said He Was My Guardian**

**GA: And Though He Visited Rarely I Did Regard Him As That**

**GA: Then Later He Stopped Coming**

**GA: In Time I Began To Believe He Was A Figment Of My Mind**

**GA: Like An Imaginary Friend To Give Me Reassurance When I Needed It**

**GA: But Then While Playing Our Game I Learned He Was Real**

**GA: He Had Spoken To Others From Our Party**

**GA: And Had Been Manipulating Us All To Advance His Schemes**

**GA: It Was Saddening To Learn My Fortuitous Awakening Had Been The Product Of A Nefarious Ploy**

**GA: Youre Lucky That Your Awakening Probably Had No Such Entanglements**

**GG: jeez, i hope not...**

**GA: But I Guess Its Only A Minor Contamination Of Something Otherwise Great**

**GA: I Was Allowed To See What Skaia Would Show Me**

**GA: And To Prepare For Dangers Ahead And Try To Protect People**

**GG: me too!**

**GG: wow kanaya i did not realize how much we had in common**

**GA: Youre Right We Do**

**GA: I Feel A Bit Silly That It Took Me So Long To Engage With The One Corresponding Closely With My Role**

**GA: It Must Be A Certain Madness Im Afflicted By**

**GA: To Orbit Those More Reckless And Dangerous Than I And More Daring For It**

**GA: I Guess I Want To Help Them But They Never Can Be Helped It Seems**

**GG: well, it sounds like helping people is something that is in your nature**

**GG: i can understand that**

**GG: are you saying rose is reckless and dangerous?**

**GA: Yes Definitely**

**GA: We Have Our Share Of Dangerous Players Who Seem To Do Nothing But Cause Problems**

**GA: I Believe She Is Yours**

**GA: And If Her Insane Plan Wasnt Alarming Enough**

**GA: She Has Been Communicating With The Stranger I Mentioned**

**GA: And Unsurprisingly She Has Not Been Forthright About The Nature Of Their Conversations**

**GG: you mean your guardian?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: And Hes Not Merely A Guardian**

**GA: Im Very Sure He Is A First Guardian**

**GA: Like Your Lusus Was**

**GG: uh oh...**

**GG: im not sure why, but the sound of that makes me really nervous**

**GA: I Feel The Same Way About It**

**GA: The Involvement Of Any Such Entity Strikes Me As Quite Inauspicious**

**GA: Even When Seemingly Benign**

**GG: she didnt mention anything about this when we talked**

**GG: but then she seemed preoccupied**

**GA: She Was**

**GA: Youll Have A Chance To Determine More Soon**

**GA: After Which Hopefully You Can Tell Me**

**GG: yeah, i will!**

**GA: In The Meantime I Will Go**

**GA: I Would Like To Return To The Core To Situate This Orb**

**GA: It Seems You Have Your Own Orb To Care For Now**

**GG: lol yeah i guess so!**

**GG: ok, you can go do that, and i guess i will check on rose, but...**

**GG: theres still so much i want to know!**

**GG: i want to know more about stoking the forge and breeding the frogs, and about your time on prospit and all that!**

**GA: Okay I Will Definitely Help You As Much As I Can**

**GA: The Young Prospit Wakers Ought To Stick Together**

**GG: yes! 3**

**GA: Ill Message You Again In Your Future**

**GA: And You May Reply If You Have Cause To**

**GG: if i have cause to?**

**GG: oh!**

**GG: that reminds me, i was thinking of implementing a system to keep some of these confusing conversations simple and linear**

**GA: Does It By Any Chance Have To Do With Passwords**

**GG: yeah! i guess someone told you?**

**GA: Yes You**

**GA: You Delivered News Of The System By Demanding A Password From Me**

**GG: aaaaa you see?**

**GG: you nearly just gave me the idea for the plan in the first place paradoxically from my own future self!**

**GG: i just find that kind of thing annoying for some reason, it doesnt feel right...**

**GG: i would rather ideas came from the place they actually came from**

**GA: Thats A Reasonable Attitude**

**GG: ok lets put the system in play starting now!**

**GG: i will give you a password, and you give it to me in the future when you want to pick up this conversation again**

**GA: Okay**

**GG: the password is...**

**GG: CROOOOOOOOOOOAK**

**GG: it must be in all caps, and must contain precisely ten Os!**

**GA: Ten**

**GA: Im Counting Eleven**

**GG: whoops!**

**GG: eleven then :p**

**GA: The Password System Is Already Paying Overwhelming Dividends Of Ease And Rationality**

**GG: kanaya :o**

**GG: that sounded**

**GG: just a weeeeeee bit**

**GG: sarcastic ;D**

**GA: Oh**

**GA: Wow Yeah**

**GA: I Hope Im Not Falling Prey To A Crisis Of Sincerity**

**GG: you are just becoming multicultural, thats all**

**GG: i think i am learning to be more multicultural through karkat as well**

**GG: it mostly involves saying fuck a lot**

**GA: Oh No**

**GG: heheheheh, its ok, hes really not so bad**

**GA: Yeah I Know**

**GG: ok! go hatch that orb!**

**GG: i will be waiting**

**GA: Yes Ill Do That**

**GA: Bye Jade**

**GG: later!**

**\- grimAuxiliatrix [GA]** **ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]** **-**

Kanaya picked up the matriorb and walked over to Sollux and Feferi, who were both lying in the horn pile. Karkat sulked in the corner, having just been pushed away by Terezi when he'd just been trying to help.

**KANAYA: Relaxing In The Horn Pile I See**

**FEFERI: Y-ES! W)(y don't you )(op in too, Kanaya? 38D**

**FEFERI: T)(ere is plenty of space. Sollux and I are glubbing about feelings.**

**KANAYA: That Sounds Nice**

**KANAYA: But It Really Doesnt Look Like There Is Much Room In That Pile Of Horns At All And I Should Get Going Anyway**

**SOLLUX: yeah, of cour2e there'2 no room, iit wa2 kiind of a moroniic iinviitatiion two be hone2t.**

**FEFERI: )(-EY, S)(UT YOUR MOP-EY BLOW )(OL-E! I was just s)(owing a little bassic courtesea.**

**FEFERI: Really, you are just t)(e grouc)(iest dude sometimes.**

**FEFERI: (And it's really cute!)**

**SOLLUX: al2o let'2 get real, thii2 horn piile ii2n't comfortable at all, ii've got hard metal edge2 jabbiing me everywhere, and iit's all lumpy a2 hell, and you can't move a fuckiing iinch wiithout honkiing the 2hiit out of iit and makiing everyone iin the room look at you.**

**SOLLUX: what iidiiot thought thii2 wa2 the iideal thiing two chiill out on. oh that'2 riight, a braiindead clown who eat2 toxiic 2liime.**

**SOLLUX: you probably liike iit becau2e iit'2 liike a coral reef or 2ome horriible jagged underwater piile of 2hiit liike that.**

**FEFERI: GROUC)(Y MOT)(-ER GLUBB-ER**

**FEFERI: 3**

**KANAYA: Um**

**KANAYA: Okay I Will Leave You Be**

**FEFERI: Kanaya, I see t)(at look on your face.  
FEFERI: You are curious, but are nervous about meddling, M I RIT-E?**

**KANAYA: Uhh**

**SOLLUX: ff come on we we're haviing a priivate conver2atiion here.**

**FEFERI: It's ok, really! We were s)(aring some feelings about stuff. Sollux was feeling bummed out because Aradia blew up, and s)(e was )(is very close friend.**

**SOLLUX: 2iiiigh, HOLY 2HiiT, ye2 let'2 talk about all my problem2 openly, ii LOVE that. hey kk, check thii2 out, my emotiion2 are 2erviing a2 entertaiinment agaiin!**

**FEFERI: Yea)(! -Ey, Karcrab, get yer nubs over )(ere! Plenty of room in t)(e pile!**

**FEFERI: OMG, t)(at was SUC)( an obscene gesture )(e just made! 38O**

**SOLLUX: anyway, yeah, now that aa ii2 gone forever ii feel more depre22ed and u2ele22 than u2ual, and ii wa2 already pretty cod damn u2ele22 two begiin wiith, let'2 face iit.**

**FEFERI: But I )(ave it on good aut)(ority t)(at s)(e is fine!**

**FEFERI: Everyt)(ing is going to go swimmingly, YOU'LL S-E-E. 38)**

**SOLLUX: you are 2o riidiiculou2ly optiimii2tiic iit'2 kiind of 2iickeniing, why do you even put up wiith me?**

**SOLLUX: iif you weren't 2o great ii would thiink you were a fuckiing iidiiot for liikiing me.**

**SOLLUX: 2o, ii gue22 thank2 for liikiing me?**

Sollux began to crackle with red and blue energy as he became frustrated with himself.

**SOLLUX: waiit, that 2ounded 2o pathetiic, oh god. ii 2hould probably take that back.**

**SOLLUX: KANAYA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU 2TIIL DOIING HERE, GOD DAMN IIT, CAN'T A GUY GET A LIITTLE GLUBBIING PRIIVACY WIITH A FII2H GIIRL IIN A PIILE OF HORN2.**

Kanaya walked off before Sollux became too upset. Oh, someone was bothering her on her computer. Probably that old windbag of a first guardian. She had no interest in talking to that con artist right now. She was busy, and she wouldn't even bother dignifying his text by highlighting it. Maybe a little later.

Instead, she walked over to Karkat. She wanted to talk to him about Terezi.

**KANAYA: What Was That About**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS I FUCKED UP AGAIN.**

**KARKAT: I CAN'T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN HER EYES ANYMORE.**

**KARKAT: I MEAN NOSE.**

**KANAYA: Maybe You Should Go Say Something To Her**

**KARKAT: WELL I WOULD, BUT SHE'S PROBABLY BURROWED FUCK DEEP IN THIS LAB BY NOW. I'M SURE SHE'S BUSY SCOOTING UP AND DOWN STAIRS AND SHOOSHING THROUGH POINTLESS CORRIDORS, AND OPENING CHESTS CONTAINING LIKE THREE BOONDOLLARS AND HIDEOUS PAINTINGS OF ENORMOUS NAKED BARNYARD MONSTERS.**

**KARKAT: WHAT IS WITH ALL THE CHESTS ANYWAY? AND WHY DO WE KEEP SQUIRRELING OUR USELESS SHIT AWAY IN THEM? I REALLY SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN A MEMO ABOUT THIS. LIKE, THE RULES OF CHESTIQUETTE.**

**KANAYA: Squirreling**

**KARKAT: SQUIRREL IS THE HUMAN WORD FOR NUT CREATURE.**

**KANAYA: Oh**

**KANAYA: Well I Think The Chests Are Fun They Make For Nice Surprises**

**KARKAT: WHATEVER**

**KARKAT: ANYWAY I CAN'T LEAVE, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED THE TEAM HAS BEEN FALLING APART HERE EVER SINCE ARADIA EXPLODED FOR NO REASON, AND THEREFORE PRESUMABLY DIED FOREVER.**

**KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY? WHERE'S GAMZEE? SHIT ISN'T RIGHT.**

**KARKAT: I'VE GOT TO STAY PUT HERE AND KEEP IT TOGETHER.**

**KANAYA: Okay Then**

**KANAYA: If I See Her Along My Way Ill Let Her Know You Want To Talk**

**KANAYA: If You Dont Think Thats Too Meddlesome Of Me**

**KARKAT: NO THAT'S FINE, THANKS.**

**KARKAT: WAIT**

**KARKAT: YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE?**

**KANAYA: Im Returning To The Core To Deposit The Matriorb**

**KANAYA: Wish Me Luck**

**KARKAT: WHOA WHAT THE FUCK?**

**KARKAT: I MEAN, THAT'S GREAT, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT. BUT YOU CAN'T GO, I NEED YOU HERE. LOOK AROUND, SHIT IS MAYHEM.**

**KANAYA: I'll Only Be Gone For A Few Minutes**

**KANAYA: Anyway Youre Doing A Good Job And I Think You Can Manage To Cope With My Momentary Absense**

**KARKAT: OK FINE.**

**KARKAT: IN THAT CASE**

**KARKAT: GOOD LUCK, HOPE IT WORKS.**

**KANAYA: Thanks**

Kanaya stepped onto the Transportalizer to leave when Eridan suddenly appeared. Kanaya and the matriorb were pushed to the side. Eridan turned to her.

**ERIDAN: kan i been meanin to thank you**

**KANAYA: For What**

**ERIDAN: for all that trainin you did**

**ERIDAN: i wwouldnt be the incredible holy wwizard i am noww wwithout your help**

**KANAYA: But I Didnt Even Really Train You I Just Made A Wand**

**ERIDAN: yeah wwell thats all i needed i guess**

**ERIDAN: i just needed for someone to showw a little faith in me so im sayin thanks i owwe you**

**KANAYA: Okay Then Youre Welcome**

**KANAYA: I Hope You Use Your Magnificent Powers Of Light And Hope For Good And Purity And Lets Not Forget Science**

**ERIDAN: dont wworry im all ovver that shit you dont evven knoww**

**KANAYA: Uh Oh I Hope That Didnt Come Off As Too Sarcastic**

**ERIDAN: wwhat**

**KANAYA: The Thing I Just Said**

**KANAYA: I Didnt Even Realize How Sarcastic I Was Being Its Starting To Become A Problem I Think**

**KANAYA: Please Dont Take Too Much Offense**

**ERIDAN: haha damn kan if thats your idea of offense bein made then i honestly gotta fuckin wworry for you**

**ERIDAN: tell you wwhat ill givve you some lessons in dealin out the dark umbrage to repay you for your tutelage in the wwhite science**

**KANAYA: Um Sure**

**KANAYA: A Little Later Maybe**

**ERIDAN: hey wwhat are you doin anywway**

**ERIDAN: wwhats that thing there**

**KANAYA: The Matriorb**

**KANAYA: I Was About To Go Hatch It In The Core To Restore Our Race**

**ERIDAN: that sounds**

**ERIDAN: hopeful**

**KANAYA: I Hope Its Hopeful**

**ERIDAN: you should of told me about this**

**ERIDAN: if theres goin to be any sort a hope for our race as the prince of hope i demand to be invvolvved**

**ERIDAN: so dont go anywwhere wwithout me got it**

**KANAYA: But**

**KANAYA: Fine**

Eridan went over to Karkat, who had his arms crossed and was tapping his foot against the floor impatiently.

**KARKAT: MAN, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU AREN'T HELPING, WANDERING OFF LIKE…**

**KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, IS THAT YOUR NEW MAGIC WAND?**

**ERIDAN: its not magic wwe talked about this kar**

**KARKAT: RIGHT, IT'S POWERED BY SCIENCE, I FORGOT.**

**KARKAT: OR HOPE. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS.**

**ERIDAN: i dont fuckin need this from you i take enough shit as it is from the rest a you dirtscrapers i thought you and me had a kinda pact or wwhatevver**

**KARKAT: OK FINE, SHUT UP, I APOLOGIZE. I KNOW IT'S TOUGH BEING YOU.**

**ERIDAN: nobody gets it**

**ERIDAN: i had a harder time than anybody wwith this game**

**ERIDAN: it wwas really fuckin unfair wwhat challenges i got saddled wwith**

**ERIDAN: i wwoulda fuckin MURDERED for a land full of a lot a harmless brains and fire**

**ERIDAN: but no**

**ERIDAN: it wwas so lonely**

**ERIDAN: hey guys anybody wwant to come hang out wwith me in the land a wwrath and angels**

**ERIDAN: anybody at all i knoww it isnt anythin like one of your flippin land picnics**

He blushed furiously.

**ERIDAN: anybody please ill evven settle for the kittycat shipper cavve girl  
ERIDAN: but yeah i guess bein her servver player and savvin her life wwasnt goddamn enough**

**ERIDAN: had to be my most humiliatin rejection yet**

**KARKAT: OKAY, BUT TO BE FAIR, I'M PRETTY SURE SHE'S STILL OBSESSED WITH ME.**

**KARKAT: IT'S A VERY UNFORTUNATE, VERY RED AND VERY UNREQUITED SITUATION I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TIPTOE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME, OK?**

**KARKAT: HER DISINTEREST IN YOUR ADVANCE WASN'T A REFLECTION ON YOU AT ALL.**

**KARKAT: COME ON, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.**

**ERIDAN: yeah i guess**

**KARKAT: ANYWAY I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WERE EXPECTING TO MAKE ANY SORT OF TRACTION IF YOU SEE HER AS THE KITTYCAT SHIPPER GIRL, SHE'S A PERSON WITH FEELINGS YOU RAVING DOUCHE.**

**ERIDAN: i knoww kar its not evven the point im ovver that embarrassment**

**ERIDAN: im just saying wwhere the fuck wwere you guys**

**ERIDAN: i had to deal wwith those awwful angels all by my self**

**ERIDAN: do you havve any idea howw hard those assholes are to kill**

**ERIDAN: like at least a minute of sustained fire from only the most legendary wweapon evver and they wwere FAST and ANGRY as SHIT**

**KARKAT: YEAH WE TALKED ABOUT THAT TOO.**

**KARKAT: I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE KILLING THEM DUDE.**

**KARKAT: I KEPT SAYING, I THINK THEY'RE LIKE GAME CONSTRUCTS OR SOMETHING. THERE TO SERVE SOME OTHER PURPOSE, NOT FOR YOU TO HUNT DOWN.**

**KARKAT: THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE YOU ANY GRIST, YOU IDIOT. THAT WAS YOUR FIRST CLUE.**

**ERIDAN: fine wwhatevver your still missin the point**

**ERIDAN: wwhere wwas evverybody wwhy are they avvoidin me all the time**

**KARKAT: THEY WERE TOO SCARED SHITLESS TO SET FOOT ON YOUR PLANET FOR MORE THAN A SECOND!**

**KARKAT: BETWEEN A TRIGGERHAPPY PRINCE WITH A GOD WEAPON BLASTING ANYTHING THAT TWITCHED AND A MILLION CRAZED ANGELS HE DELIBERATELY ENRAGED, IT WASN'T WHAT I'D CALL AN IDEAL SOCIAL HUB.**

**KARKAT: IF YOU WERE LONELY WHY DIDN'T YOU VENTURE OUT MORE OFTEN?**

**ERIDAN: wwell i wwoulda but nobody else wwas vvolunteerin to pick up the slack on angel killin duties**

**KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN?**

**ERIDAN: and anywways i did leavve**

**ERIDAN: evventually**

**KARKAT: LEAVING YOUR PLANET TO GO DUEL WITH SOLLUX ISN'T BEING SOCIABLE YOU THICK FUCK.**

**KARKAT: AND YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU DESERVED GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU, BECAUSE I WARNED YOU AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.**

**ERIDAN: yeah ok wwe wwill see wwhos becomin the proud neww recipient a wwhose ass noww**

**KARKAT: ARGH, LOOK**

**KARKAT: JUST STAY HERE FOR A WHILE, OK? NO MORE BROODING IN THE LAB, AND ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING DUELING. STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.**

Eridan strode away, angry at Karkat. And then he saw Feferi and Sollux.

**SOLLUX: oh GOD, iit'2 hiim.**

**SOLLUX: ff can you tell hiim two go away, ii don't even have the energy for thii2**

**ERIDAN: hey finless this doesnt concern those wwith mustard sludge slippin through their vveins**

**ERIDAN: its a matter for royalty only**

**ERIDAN: so keep your mouth closed or ill slit you open ovver my next meal**

**SOLLUX: w/e bro, not iintere2ted.**

**FEFERI: -Eridan, please! I don't want to see any more dueling.**

**FEFERI: Don't try to provoke )(im. It's not like I don't know w)(at you're doing! You keep trying to spark a rivalry wi)( )(im to get me to auspisticize between you two, and pull us out of our quadrant!**

**FEFERI: It is t)(e oldest and lamest trick in t)(e book. It didn't work t)(en and it won't work now!**

**ERIDAN: thats an astonishin accusation howw could you say that**

**ERIDAN: first as if this scum is evven wworthy of a rivvalry wwith me and second as if im not totally DONE wwith you like i havve TOLD you REPEATEDLY**

**ERIDAN: all i wwant to do is havve a wword wwith you**

**FEFERI: Ok -Eridan, we can talk. But only if you're planning on being civil.**

**ERIDAN: thats wwhat you nevver got fef**

**ERIDAN: you and i are bein civvil by vvery vvirtue a the fact that wwere talkin noww**

**ERIDAN: wwere royalty you and i and wwe belong together**

**ERIDAN: evven if not in THAT WWAY wwhich i get youre not into and thats fine**

**ERIDAN: but wwe belong together as the rulin class if nothin else**

**ERIDAN: so im gonna ask you this one last time and givve you the choice  
ERIDAN: im about to go please come wwith me**

**FEFERI: Go wit)( you? -Eridan, you weren't really serious about going to find Jack, were you?**

**ERIDAN: of course i wwas**

**ERIDAN: and wwe should do it together**

**ERIDAN: youvve got nothin to fear noww ivve reached a neww heights of powwer no one else can dream of not evven mindfang wwith her garish orange swweatsuit and her silly flappy wwings and all her poppycock about luck wwhich evveryone wwith a think pan knowws to be the fakest fiction that evver failed to exist**

**SOLLUX: thii2 ii2 the mo2t hiilariiou2 thiing ii've ever heard, he made one of hii2 2hiitty fake magiic wand2 glow a liittle and now he thiink2 he'2 a faiiry god troll or 2omethiing, lmao!**

**ERIDAN: wwas that slander just i heard i cant evven tell**

**ERIDAN: i tend to block out noise from filth wwhose blood is practically the complementary fuckin color a mine**

**FEFERI: )(e )(as a point, t)(oug)(, in t)(at you may be overestimating your abilities?**

**FEFERI: Jack Noir is INSAN-ELY powerful -Eridan! Please, I don't want to see you do anyt)(ing foolis)( by trying to fig)(t )(im.**

**ERIDAN: fight him**

**ERIDAN: are you fuckin nuts**

**ERIDAN: i slaughtered enough angels to knoww my limits and wwhere i stand against the lord of all angels they prophecized**

**ERIDAN: of course im not gonna fight him i stand no chance in hell against that guy**

**ERIDAN: im goin to join him**


	111. Book 7 Chapter 17: The End of the Road

Chapter 17: The End of the Road

**FEFERI: YOU'R-E W)(AT?**

**ERIDAN: and youre gonna join me in joinin him too fef come on lets go**

**SOLLUX: AHAHAHAHA, ok that'2 iit, he'2 lo2t iit.**

**FEFERI: NO I AM NOT! And you aren't eit)(er! T)(at is GLUBBING INSAN-E!**

**FEFERI: I t)(oug)(t you were supposed to be t)(e Prince of )(ope? )(ow is it )(opeful to surrender to a murderous demon like a COWARD?**

**ERIDAN: as the prince of hope im uniquely qualified to recognize wwhen all hope is lost**

**ERIDAN: and im tellin you there is no hope not evven a little bit**

**ERIDAN: only thing left to do is servve him and hope he spares us**

**ERIDAN: and im extendin the invvitation to come wwith me cause evven though you dont think so i really do care about you**

**ERIDAN: servvin under jack together wwell be unstoppable and our anemones wwill tremble before us wwhat do you say?**

**FEFERI: NO. You )(ave lost ALL RIG)(T to use fis)( puns FOR-EV-ER. I revoke your fis)( punning license, as w)(ale as our fronds)(ip!**

**ERIDAN: dont take that tuna vvoice wwith me princess**

**FEFERI: W)(AT T)(E FUCK DID I JUST SAY?**

**FEFERI: T)(at's it. T)(is makes me sad, -Eridan, but now we )(ave to stop you. We can't let you find Jack and risk you leading )(im to us.**

**ERIDAN: so thats howw it is is it**

**SOLLUX: 2he'2 riight, man. can't beliieve thii2, ii wa2 lookiing forward two a nap two.**

**SOLLUX: ii 2hould have kiilled you on lobaf when ii had the chance.**

**SOLLUX: oh well, gue22 iit'2 only fiitiing ii'd take you down iin ROUND TWO.**

**SOLLUX: you ready, priince?**

**ERIDAN: bring it mage**

Sollux stood and Eridan threw his cape off. Sollux shot his bifurcated energy at Eridan and Eridan returned a blast of white science. The two blasts hit each other in the air and dissipated. Feferi tried to stop them, but couldn't. Sollux removed his glasses and rose into the air. Eridan followed suit and they were soon shooting tremendous amounts of energy at each other.

Eventually, Eridan gained the upper hand and knocked Sollux back against the wall. The mustard-blooded troll fell unconscious.

Feferi screamed and ran over to him, then turned in rage towards the other sea troll. She rushed with with a loud yell and Eridan unleashed another bolt of energy at her. It cut straight through her chest like a knife through butter and the girl crumpled to her feet, blood everywhere. She fell backwards into the pile of horns. She was dead.

Kanaya watched in horror as these events transpire, then grew angry herself and converted her tube of lipstick into her chainsaw. The two of them squared off, but Eridan wasn't pointing his wand at her. He was pointing it down and to her right. Kanaya followed his hand and saw that he was pointing at the matriorb.

Eridan shot a bolt of energy and the matriorb hopesploded.

Kanaya had had too much. She finally snapped and charged Eridan, but before she could reach him, he shot her through the stomach as well. She fell backwards to the floor, dead.

Eridan absconded via the transportalizer.

Karkat's mouth was gaping significantly larger than it had been a minute earlier. His eyes were wide in shock and he refused to accept what had just happened.

"Kanaya!" he yelled, running to her side. "Are you ok? Hey! Oh god. What has he done? Kanaya? Please tell me that's just grub sauce. Please just be grub sauce please just be grub sauce please just be grub sauce. Haha, ok, make-believe time is over! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!"

He sprinted over to Sollux. He was relieved to find Sollux was not dead. Merely KO'd. Karkat gave a sigh of relief. He didn't think he could handle it if this was round two of watching his good bro get killed.

Karkat checked Feferi. She was dead. Sollux was not going to take this well when we woke up. Karkat just hoped he stayed asleep for a while.

Wait a second. Karkat walked over to Kanaya's computer. Someone was contacting her. What the hell? There was no text in the message window. Oh, he got it. This joker typed in white. He guessed he'd have to highlight it to read it.

**Mr. Vantas.**

**GA: WHAT THE FUCK?**

**GA: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHY ARE YOU MESSAGING ME THROUGH KANAYA'S ACCOUNT?**

**GA: I SERIOUSLY DON'T NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW.**

**I'm delivering this message through the console of one of my numerous unwitting proteges to give you a word of advice, and then you will not hear from me again.**

**Don't turn your back on the body.**

What was that supposed to mean? This was the dumbest advice he'd ever heard. He typed some more curse words into the chat window, but there was no response. Body? Which body? What was he talking about?

Karkat turned around slowly, pretending not to be nervous. All of the bodies in the room remained as they were. There was clearly nothing to be concerned about whatsoever.

Oh look. Gamzee was messaging him back, _finally_. Karkat wondered what the hell that clown had been up to all this time.

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**TC: honk.**

**CG: GAMZEE!**

**CG: FUCK**

**CG: THERE YOU ARE, YOU HAD ME WORRIED DUDE**

**TC: HONK.**

**CG: UH**

**CG: YEAH**

**CG: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ANYWAY, I TOLD EVERYONE TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA WANDER OFF.**

**TC: honk.**

**TC: HONK.**

**TC: honk.**

**TC: HONK.**

**CG: YEAH, I GET IT WISE GUY, YOU'RE A FUCKING CLOWN, WHO CARES.**

**CG: QUIT THE BULLSHIT PARTYCLOWN ANTICS AND GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE.**

**CG: THE SHIT HAS HIT THE WHIRLING DEVICE, AND YOU COULD BE IN SERIOUS DANGER OUT THERE.**

**TC: shut up.**

**CG: WHAT...**

**TC: I SAID SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER.**

**TC: honk honk honk :o)**

**CG: DUDE**

**CG: ARE YOU OK**

**CG: YOU'RE REALLY WEIRDING ME OUT.**

**TC: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**TC: uh, yeah...**

**TC: I GUESS I'M ALL MOTHERFUCKIN WEIRDING OUT AT SOME EXTENT TO MY OWN MOTHERFUCKIN SELF.**

**TC: but it's all good, i'm chill with it.**

**CG: OH GOD**

**CG: NO NO NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU WENT CRAZY, I COULDN'T TAKE THAT ON TOP OF ALL THIS.**

**TC: ON TOP OF MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER.**

**CG: ERIDAN JUST FLIPPED HIS SHIT AND KILLED FEFERI AND KANAYA, AND I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT IT.**

**TC: heh heh.**

**CG: HEH HEH?**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, GET BACK HERE NOW, AND HAVE A SLIME PIE TO RELAX OR SOMETHING.**

**TC: SLIME?**

**TC: there is no more slime, brother.**

**TC: AND ANYWAY.**

**TC: shit was motherfuckin poison, didn't you know?**

**CG: UH...**

**CG: NO? I MEAN, I WOULD NEVER EAT IT, BUT**

**TC: THEN GET MOTHERFUCKIN SCHOOLFED ALL ABOUT THE WICKED NEWS, PUNCHLINE BLOODED MOTHERFUCKER.**

**TC: it rots you.**

**TC: RUSTS YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN THINK PAN.**

**TC: and the floor all stares up back at you through the motherfuckin hole.**

**TC: BUT THERE IS NO HOLE NOW.**

**TC: only under motherfuckin standing of who all i was made out to be all along.**

**TC: ONLY UNDER MOTHERFUCKING STANDING OF WHO ALL I WAS MADE OUT TO MOTHERFUCKING BE ALL A MOTHERFUCKING LONG.**

**CG: OH MY GOD**

**CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO**

**TC: i've been kicking the wicked ignorance on this shit.**

**TC: BEEN MOTHERFUCKIN SLAUGHTERING THE WICKED IGNORANCE, BRO.**

**TC: all up in lifelong denial about my calling.**

**TC: AS A DESCENDANT OF THE HIGH MOTHERFUCKIN SUBJUGGLATORS.**

**TC: we are higher than you, brother.**

**TC: WE ARE HIGHER THAN MOTHERFUCKIN EVERYBODY.**

**TC: honk.**

**CG: GAMZEE**

**CG: PLEASE NO**

**TC: and now i'm the last one, so i finally motherfuckin understand.**

**TC: I FINALLY GOT MY MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTAND ON TO WHO THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS ARE.**

**TC: they were always both me. :o)**

**TC: AND ALSO MOTHERFUCKING ME. Do:**

**TC: and now.**

**TC: AND MOTHERFUCKING NOW.**

**TC: i am going to motherfuckin kill all you motherfuckers.**

**CG: OH GOD**

**CG: OH MAN**

**CG: OH GOD**

**TC: I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.**

**TC: and paint the wicked pictures with your motherfuckin blood.**

**TC: FROM YOUR VEINS WILL DRIP MY MIRACLES.**

**TC: your crushed bones will make my special stardust.**

**TC: WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, BROTHER.**

**TC: honk.**

**TC: HONK.**

**TC: honk.**

**TC: HOOOOOOOOOOONK.**

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

Karkat had never been so scared in his entire life. He decided to open a new memo.

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.**

**CCG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST MEMO I WILL WRITE.**

**CCG: BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.**

**CCG: AND SECOND OF ALL, I MIGHT BE DEAD SOON.**

**CCG: I'M JUST HOPING SOME OF YOU IDIOTS READ THIS, AND EVEN IF YOU THINK I'M FULL OF SHIT NOW, WHEN IT ALL STARTS GOING DOWN YOU MIGHT JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID AND SAVE YOURSELVES.**

**CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED.**

**CCG: THE BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE.**

**CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WE ALL THOUGHT THAT TITLE WAS A JOKE, BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T.**

**CCG: HE'S COMPLETELY SNAPPED, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU FURTHER AHEAD ON THE TIMELINE, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW DANGEROUS HE IS.**

**CCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO THE BLACK KING.**

**CCG: NOBODY COULD EXPLAIN IT, AND THEN HE JUST WENT BACK TO SPACING OUT FOR THE REST OF THE BATTLE.**

**CCG: I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.**

**CCG: I DON'T EVEN THINK THE KING COULD FUCKING BELIEVE IT, FRANKLY.**

**CCG: DID ANYONE'S ATTACK DO AS MUCH DAMAGE? I DON'T THINK SO.**

**CCG: I DON'T EVEN THINK VRISKA'S DID, ALTHOUGH IT'S HARD TO SAY SINCE THAT WAS THE KNOCKOUT BLOW.**

**CCG: ^^^ SPOILERS.**

**CCG: I GUESS WE THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A SECRET JOKE POWER OR SOMETHING?**

**CCG: BUT THE JOKE IS ON US.**

**CCG: HE IS OUT OF PIE, AND NOW THE FAYGO GENIE IS OUT OF THE SHITTY SODA BOTTLE FOR GOOD.**

**CCG: WE ARE SO SCREWED.**

**CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK.**

**CCG: GUYS, I AM TERRIFIED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.**

**CCG: I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF BODIES, AND I THINK I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN MY BACK ON THEM?**

**CCG: OH MY GOD, I JUST HEARD A HONK.**

**CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD**

**CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO**

**CCG: IT CAME FROM THE HORN PILE**

**CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS JUST THE BODY SETTLING ON AN ERRANT HORN OR...**

**CCG: OR IF...**

**CCG: I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.**

**PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC]** **420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.**

**PTC: HeY BeSt fRiEnD.**

**PTC: nOw wHaT ThE MoThEr fUcK WiLl i bE SuPpOsEd tO Do?**

**PTC: i'M nOt FoLlOwInG.**

**CCG: PAST GAMZEE, GOD DAMN IT.**

**CCG: I AM TRYING TO WARN PEOPLE OF YOUR MURDEROUS FUTURE SELF.**

**CCG: THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.**

**CCG: NOW GO BACK TO GROPING YOUR HORNS AND BEING DISTRACTED BY COLORS YOU USELESS FUCK.**

**PTC: YeAh, I CaN DeFiNiTeLy cArRy oUt tHaT OrDeR, bRo.**

**PTC: i gUeSs i'lL WaIt uNtIl tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN FuTuRe hApPeNs tO SeE AbOuT WhAt aLl tHiS MuRdErInG NoIsE Is. :o)**

**CCG** **banned PTC** **from responding to memo.**

**CCG: LIKE I WAS SAYING.**

**CCG: STILL FREAKING OUT.**

**CCG: AUGH**

**CCG: THERE WAS ANOTHER LITTLE HONK**

**CCG: IT WAS SO FAINT**

**CCG: DID I JUST IMAGINE IT? I THINK I MIGHT BE LOSING IT.**

**CCG: I REALLY HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, BUT**

**CCG: I SHOULD TRY TO REVIVE THEM FIRST.**

**CCG: I KNOW DERSE AND PROSPIT ARE GONE, BUT IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE AT ALL THEY SURVIVED I'VE GOT TO TRY.**

**CCG: I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING NEAR THAT HORN PILE THOUGH.**

**CCG: WHAT IF HE'S BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME?**

**CCG: I AM SHITTING MYSELF SO HARD HERE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO.**

**CCG: GUESS I HAVE TO BRAVE IT FOR FEFERI'S SAKE.**

**PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC]** **380 HOURS AGO responded to memo.**

**PCC: For my sake? 38)**

**PCC: W)(at do you mean, Crabcatc)(?**

**CCG: OH GOD, FEFERI...**

**PCC: Is any of t)(is serious?**

**PCC: It's so )(ard to tell! All of your memos )(ave been so outrageous, I can't even decide w)(at to take seriously anymore.**

**PCC: T)(is one sounds like the biggest w)(opper of all, to be conknest!**

**CCG: YES I AM DEAD "GLUBBING" SERIOUS, OK.**

**PCC: STILL SOUNDS PRETTY FIS)(Y TO M-E! 38D**

**CCG: FEFERI, I'M SORRY.**

**CCG: IT WAS MY FAULT, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.**

**PCC: Sorry for w)(at?**

**CCG: FOR**

**CCG: I**

**CCG: I CAN'T DO THIS**

**CCG: IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME, I'M SORRY.**

**CCG** **banned PCC** **from responding to memo.**

**CCG: BEFORE I GO**

**CCG: EVERYONE SHOULD ALSO KNOW ERIDAN HAD A COMPLETE SHITHIVE MELTDOWN TOO**

**CCG: HE'S GOING AROUND KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND**

**CCG: SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM.**

**CCG: IF I RUN INTO HIM AGAIN, I'M...**

**CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW.**

**CCG: HE BETTER PRAY TO ALL HIS MURDERED ANGELS IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.**

**PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA]** **311 HOURS AGO responded to memo.**

**PCA: a magic wwand is that so**

**PCA: kar come on noww evveryone fuckin KNOWWS this memos rubbish**

**CCG: HEY ASSHOLE**

**CCG: CONSIDER OUR "PACT" OVER**

**PCA: wwevve got a pact**

**CCG: NOT ANYMORE**

**CCG: YOU ARE DEAD TO ME**

**CCG: PAST YOU, PRESENT YOU, FUTURE YOU**

**CCG: AND ABOVE ALL, UGLY SCARFNECKED DOUCHEBAG HIPSTER YOU**

**CCG: WAIT I FORGOT, ALL OF THE YOUS ARE THAT YOU**

**CCG: IF I WASN'T SO TERRIFIED, I'D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER, AND AS SOON AS I'M DONE COWERING IN A DARK CORNER HIDING FROM THAT HONKING MURDEROUS TOOL, I'M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND FILLET YOU WITH MY SICKLE.**

**PCA: wwhoa kar**

**PCA: this is nothin if not flatterin but dont you think youre comin on a little strong**

**CCG: OH GOD**

**CCG: I AM NOT HITTING ON YOU IDIOT, THIS IS HONEST TO GOD PLATONIC ENMITY**

**CCG: LIKE IN THE "I REALLY DO WANT YOU TO DIE" KIND OF WAY.**

**CCG: I AM NOT INITIATING AN ELABORATE CALIGINOUS WALTZ WITH YOU YOU DESPERATE SHIT.**

**PCA: i mean yeah obvviously i kneww you wwerent serious**

**PCA: i guess i appreciate the effort youre puttin into cheerin me up**

**PCA: i can alwways count on you for some good ironic repartee kar nobody else really gets our sense a humor**

**CCG: UGH, NO**

**PCA: are you busy**

**PCA: you said youd try to make it to lowwaa soon wwell howw about it**

**CCG: DUDE, ARE YOU AN IDIOT, YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE I AM FROM 300 FUCKING HOURS IN THE FUTURE, EVEN IF I WERE REMOTELY INTERESTED, WHICH TO THAT I SIMPLY SAY WHAT THE FUCK.**

**PCA: oh hahaha yeah losin track a the time shit is easy wwhen wwe start riffin like this kar**

**CCG: LIKE WHAT? WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE**

**PCA: im just lonely here and i got major ordeals to keep afloat wwith**

**CCG: I KNOW YOU'RE LONELY, GOD DAMN IT, WHO CARES.**

**PCA: im sayin it wwould be cool to hang out and you said you wwould**

**PCA: can you put in a wword wwith your past self maybe buggin him to make the trip wwhen he gets the chance**

**CCG: WAIT, WERE YOU HITTING ON ME BACK THEN?**

**CCG: *ARE* YOU HITTING ON ME?**

**CCG: LIKE AN ACTUAL RED SOLICITATION, IS THAT WAS THIS WAS?**

**PCA: wwhat**

**CCG: GOD DAMN IT, I AM CHEWING YOU OUT FOR WAND MURDER, AND YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH ME**

**CCG: MY FUCKING GOD MAN.**

**PCA: hey im not spyin you bein anythin but cagey wwhat wwith this wwhole line a humor and all**

**CCG: HOW ABOUT NO, DIPSHIT, NOT INTERESTED?**

**PCA: evven if i wwasnt compelled to think you wwere still bein flippant and ironic wwith me you cant exactly outright reject me can you**

**CCG: WHY NOT**

**PCA: cause youre future you**

**PCA: doesnt count unless its present you til then its all fair game**

**CCG: IS THIS REAL, ARE YOU BEING IRONIC OR SOMETHING, I CAN'T EVEN TELL ANYMORE**

**CCG: THE PROBLEM IS, I CAN'T PUT THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR PAST YOU AT ALL, SO I DON'T KNOW.**

**PCA: just send past you ovver man wwell hang out**

**PCA: its not like im doin anythin right noww**

**CCG: LIKE FUCK YOU AREN'T**

**PCA: wwhats that mean**

**CCG: YOU'RE KILLING ANGELS NOW, AREN'T YOU**

**PCA: no**

**CCG: YOU ARE KILLING FUCKING ANGELS, RIGHT NOW, IN THE PAST, WITH YOUR SHITTY GUN. I JUST KNOW IT.**

**PCA: wwell uh**

**PCA: therere just so damn many kar and theyre not gettin any less bloody pissed is the thing**

**CCG: THIS IS WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN US, MAN.**

**CCG: BECAUSE YOU ARE A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT.**

**CCG: NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER.**

**CCG: I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOREVER.**

**PCA: kar im gettin some seriously mixed signals here**

**CCG: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM**

**PCA: wwhat to wwho**

**CCG: TO**

**CCG: FUCK**

**CCG: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER.**

**PCA: wwho man wwhat are you talkin about**

**CCG: AND ALSO...**

**PCA: wwhat youre not makin sense**

**CCG: I CAN'T**

**CCG: I CAN'T EVEN TYPE HER NAME**

**CCG: SHE WAS MY FRIEND**

**CCG: SHE WAS MY REALLY *GOOD* FRIEND AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO NOW THAT SHE'S GONE.**

**CCG: I'M SO UPSET, I'M JUST COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.**

**PCA: yeah i knoww wwhat its like you wwanna talk about it**

**CCG: FUCK NO.**

**CCG: I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT YOUR DUMB PURPLE WORDS ANYMORE.**

**CCG: NEXT TIME I SEE THAT SHITTY COLOR YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR BODY.**

**CCG: AND NO, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, THAT WAS NOT INNUENDO.**

**CCG** **banned PCA** **from responding to memo.**

**CCG: ANYWAY**

**CCG: THAT'S IT I GUESS.**

**FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC]** **0:42:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.**

**FTC: honk.**

**CCG: OH GOD**

**FTC: HEY BEST MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND.**

**FTC: what all seems to be the motherfuckin problem? :o)**

**CCG: OH GOD OH GOD**

**CCG: DON'T YOU SEE EVERYONE?**

**CCG: THIS CRAZY FUCKER HAS COMPLETELY CRACKED, I TOLD YOU.**

**FTC: THAT'S KICKIN THE WICKED MOTHERFUCKIN MISINFORMATION, MY BROTHER.**

**FTC: i'm as chill as all what's can be.**

**FTC: NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, JUST MOTHERFUCKIN GONNA SIT AND ZONE THE MOTHERFUCK OUT WITH A PAN RUSTING PIE LIKE AS MY USUAL MOTHERFUCKIN SELF DOES.**

**FTC: honk.**

**FTC: HONK.**

**FTC: honk.**

**FTC: HONK.**

**CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD**

**FTC: i'm in your future, best friend.**

**FTC: I KNOW WHERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARE.**

**FTC: and what you'll motherfuckin do.**

**CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO**

**FTC: AND ALSO.**

**FTC: and also.**

**FTC: GUESS MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT.**

**CCG: ...**

**CCG: NO I DON'T WANT TO**

**FTC: i'm all about to be meeting up some friends. :o)**

**FTC: GOING TO GET PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY AT THEM REAL SOON.**

**FTC: i wonder if you can all be at with me in time and make me get my reconsider on?**

**FTC: MAYBE SPLIT AN ELIXIR LIKE A COUPLE OF CHOICE BROS.**

**FTC: just like we are... :o)**

**FTC: ME AND HIM. Do:**

**FTC: hoooooooooooooooooonk. ;oD**

**CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK**

**CCG: I HAVE TO GO**

**CCG** **closed memo.**

To be continued in Book 8: Trolls and Ancestors


	112. Book 8 Chapter 1: Investigation

Book 8: Trolls and Ancestors

Chapter 1: Investigation

"Oh my!" Terezi exclaimed as she stepped towards the dead body of Tavros. She was somewhere on one of the platforms within her labyrinth of a respiteblock. "What have we here?" she asked. The upset of the upsetting discovery quickly turned to dismay and grief. Adios, sweet Toreadoormat.

Terezi succumbed to emotion. Tears were in order, probably. She attempted a sniffle. A wobble of the lip, even. Alas, the tears would not come. Stupid lousy doomed Dave and her stupid lousy complicity in his death. Getting her all cried out like that.

Oh well, whatever. There were more important things at hand to concern herself with than the flow of teal ocular discharge. A crime had been committed. And where crime struck, there was justice to be done.

The scene of Tavros's death was a gruesome spectacle to her nose, otherwise known as a nostacle. Under other circumstances, the aroma could be delightful. A rich, chocolatey bouquet, sent from the heavens. But at the scene of this fresh murder, the smell was highly unpalatable. Stomach turning, even. It smelled like all the worst things she'd expect it to, and more.

But a true Legislacerator had to be steeled to the revolting. Only the truth mattered. And if there was one thing that mattered more than the truth, which there was, it was justice. Someone was going to pay.

Before the full investigation was underway, a Legislacerator would always have a chief suspect in mind. The one she would hold guilty until proven otherwise, the latter process customarily taking place after the execution. Her current culprit was Vriska, but even so, it was only prudent to stay open to the possibility of other culprits. As they always said in Terezi's line of work, there was always room on the gallows for more to swing. And though executing the wrong person was only a minor embarrassment to the courtblock, it was an embarrassment nonetheless.

His Tyranny would surely commend Terezi for her due diligence by graciously neglecting to eat her after the trial.

Terezi sniffed around for clues. Above, she detected faint traces of what she reckoned to be Special Stardust, such as the kind left by the flapping wings of a mischievous fairy. Suspicious indeed. And not far from that, she detected bright trails of white light. It smelled… hopeful… Also curious.

There was a honk and Terezi turned around. There was no one there. Oh, of course. It was just Gamzee up to his unmistakable charades. He was wandering around somewhere out there in the abyss. He probably had no idea what sort of danger he was in, with one or more murderers on the loose. Poor guy. She'd have to seek him out shortly and offer him protection. She'd feel terrible if she were to lose any more friends.

But first, she must complete the investigation. Professor Pucefoot, Inspector Berrybreath, and Doctor Honeytongue reporting. Terezi's team of forensic scientists was the best there was. There was no bit of evidence which would escape their eager but stationary scalemate snouts.

Professor Pucefoot immediately began drawing a pointless chalk outline around the body, which was standard protocol. Which was to say, Terezi held up a piece of chalk to Pucefoot's snout and drew the outline herself. Yuck, the chalk was getting blood on it! She'd have to discard that color.

Terezi next ground up a piece of chalk and dabbed Inspector Berrybreath's ample blue plush rump into the powder. She dusted the victim's robotic apparatus, revealing nothing. This was quite a slippery one she was dealing with.

She smashed the plush rump against Tavros's face. No prints there either. THIS WAS SURELY THE WORK OF A MASTER CRIMINAL!

The lance stuck in Tav's body, however, revealed a plethora of prints! Terezi's keen tongue told her that most of these belonged to the murder victim. But several were unidentified. Hmm… (She was only pretending to think there was any chance they were not Vriska's, because otherwise it would be no fun.)

The inspector's bottom had become dreadfully bloody though. She believed she'd dismiss the inspector. Berrybreath went sailing over the edge and into the abyss.

"What's that, Doctor Honeytongue?" Terezi said, holding the doctor to her ear. "Your analysis is inconclusive? You are recommending a full autopsy of the corpse, you say?

"No, Honeytongue! Are you quite mad?" She kicked him off the edge. "The corpse must not be dismembered just yet. There could still be hope for the victim's resurrection. And according to the Legislacerator's handbook, the victim's well-being is among the highest of investigative priorities."

The odds that Tav's dream self survived were quite slim, she admitted. But she must at least try for the sake of her friend, even if it meant braving the awful stench.

She prepared to revive him. This was not going to be pretty, but what were friends for if they couldn't smooch each others' butchered corpses when the need arose? She would just have to suck it up. "You can do it, Terezi," she told herself.

She ripped the lance from his body and held his lips in a pucker. She did the same and smooched Tavros's blood-stained lips.

At the same time, tears streaming down his face, Karkat smooshed Kanaya.

Alas, neither could be revived. Their dream selves had been slain.

Oh no! Rufio had just been murdered through the chest by his cruel nemesis, Captain Hook! His newfound father figure and Man-Skylark watched in horror!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hussie screamed.

"Speak to me, Rufio," I said. "Oh god, what has he done? Rufio? Please tell me that's just mohawk die. Please just be mohawk dye please just be mohawk dye please just be mohawk dye. Haha, ok, make-believe time is over! Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.

"I wish you had a dad like me too, Rufio. And how I wish you could have been my son. You were so much better than that traitorous piece of shit Cal who betrayed me to join Hook.

"You taught me so much, Rufio. You taught me to crow. You taught me to fight. You taught me to fly. Please don't teach me to die now. I know no one thought you were real. But I believed in you. I always believed. I won't let you leave me."

I kissed him. This was stupid. Yeah, why don't we see what John's up to?

John stood on The Battlefield, transfixed by the puffy cloud oracle before him. How long had he been staring at it? Minutes? Hours? He had begun to lose track of time. What could it be? Two cephalopods locked in a mating ritual? Andrew Hussie's lips on Rufio's? Oops. Shh… John didn't think of that. I did. John supposed he'd never know what it was.

He somehow managed to pry his eyes from the exquisite celestial projection. He'd been exploring The Battlefield with his new ally, a friendly fellow who struck him as a sort of Wizardly Vassal. Maybe WV for short. His travels had led him here. He spied a wallet lying on the ground.

John picked up the wallet. It was full of many things, but the first thing to catch his eye was a note.

_SON._

_IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU HAVE INHERITED MY WALLET. YOU HAVE BECOME AN ADULT MAN._

_WIELD IT WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND INTEGRITY._

_I AM SO, SO PROUD OF YOU._

John was suddenly extremely overwhelmed. How could one boy handle such awesome power and responsibility?

He also wondered why his Dad had dropped his wallet. It was as if Mr. Egbert had known that John would find it here. Perhaps he'd been cloud gazing too? Anyway, John wondered what else was in the wallet.

The first card in his Dad's sylladex (which was configured with a wallet modus) contained one ton of shaving cream. His father was nothing if not prepared.

WV inspected the windy boy's treasure. Such lovely cargo the boy had produced from his small brown square. The black and white patterns on these little carapaced cylinders were impossibly attractive. He began to spray the shaving cream bottle, causing the lather to go everywhere.

"Hey!" John said. "Be careful with that! Do you have any idea how flammable shaving cream is?"

WV ignored him and gulped down decadent foamy dollops of the beard buster, but quickly responded with the "bluh" callback because it was not nearly as tasty as he'd hoped. But then he kept eating it anyway.

John didn't have time to be pawing through his Dad's sylladex while his silly friend ate shaving cream. He'd already wasted hours staring at the mysterious things happening in the clouds. Time to take a rapid inventory. He pushed the eject button.

Wow! Look at all this sweet loot! An inviting pile of pipes; a somewhat less inviting pile of razor blades; a spare car; an assortment of shoes, hats, and ties; several issues of _The Serious Jester_; ticket stubs to Cirque du Soleil (John would prefer to forget what happened that day, his Dad had just been so embarrassing); a briefcase full of fatherly documents; a variety of photographs; a laptop computer; ten tons of pipe tobacco; and a lighter.

The wallet unsurprisingly contained a series of sentimental photographs of John when he'd been young. Some of these photos appeared to have jokes written on the backs. Others, cake recipes.

Mr. Egbert had also kept a series of portraits of some of his favorite comedians. Some were understandable. Harry Anderson went without saying. Bill Cosby? Living fatherly legend. But his interest in Jeff Foxworthy had always struck John as a little lame. Those redneck jokes were so corny and stupid. He'd secretly suspected that his father was mostly arrested by the man's mustache. Maybe Dad had secretly fantasized about shaving the man's egregious furry lip? This seemed like a reasonable theory to John.

John sat down at the computer. He'd been dying for a way to contact his friends again. Dad had bought this laptop at the Dadly Depot, an incredibly boring store established to furnish dignified gentlemen everywhere with dull fatherly goods. It had always been so boring when Dad had dragged him there. John had no idea who the douche bag the computer was shaped like was. "Who's this douchebag?" was the question John asked every time he saw this person's smug face. Maybe he was being unfair to the man, though. Some guy named Crosby, he guessed? Who cared? He was so boring.

John decided to recaptchalogue everything and put it away neatly in his Dad's wallet. We was almost done. Just one more thing left to put…

BEEP! WV, who was sitting in the backup car, honked the horn loudly in John's face. Oh, for the love of…

John rolled his eyes. He guessed they were going for a little ride. He climbed into the passenger seat. Safety was the most important thing. He strapped himself in.

WV presumed the windy boy knew what he was doing. He followed suit, tugging the dark sash across his chest and securing it. This was an incredible look for him! It was too bad the fashion accessory seemed to trap him inside the vehicle. Human fashion and transportation and safety sure were weird, and apparently interrelated.

WV attempted to begin driving, but his feet would not reach the little steppy levers. His copilot pointed out that he also didn't have a key. He was terribly disappointed.

John just did the windy thing already. WV probably would have turned out to be a terrible driver anyway. They ascended into the SBURBan sky together, riding the wind. WE HAVE. LIFDOFF.

Now that John had the computer, he wanted to see how Jade was doing.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **\- **

**EB: hey jade, are you there? i have a computer now.**

**EB: this boring guy keeps blinking at me though, and it's weird.**

**GG: john! :D**

**GG: wow, finally!**

**EB: hi!**

**EB: sorry i disappeared after you entered the game...**

**EB: but from what i have seen in the clouds, it doesn't look like you have had much trouble making progress!**

**GG: nope!**

**GG: dave was able to set up as my server player**

**GG: he is building up my house right now so that we can deploy some equipment up there**

**EB: oh, nice!**

**EB: dave is serving ALL the ladies, isn't he?**

**GG: yep!**

**EB: he is like a dude on butler island.**

**EB: i mean, a dude who happens to be one of the butlers...**

**EB: doing a lot of serving, to various ladies who are vacationing at this snooty resort.**

**EB: wait, i am fucking this up.**

**GG: :o**

**GG: thats ok, i wont tell him about it**

**EB: ok, good.**

**EB: all i am saying is, why can't i have a dave butler too?**

**GG: well, maybe you can...**

**GG: i will try to put in a good word for you B)**

**EB: thank you.**

**EB: what is the equipment you're deploying?**

**GG: im not sure!**

**GG: something to do with cloning i guess? it serves some purpose in my quest as witch of space**

**GG: a nice troll named kanaya has been advising me on stuff about that**

**GG: have you talked to her?**

**EB: hmm... i don't think so. not recently anyway.**

**GG: you should!**

**GG: a bunch of trolls are not nearly as bad as i thought**

**GG: even karkat! he has been helping me too... sort of, hehe**

**EB: he has? but i thought he "hated" you!**

**GG: oh yeah, he said plenty of stuff like that, but i dont think he ever actually meant it**

**GG: flying off the handle is part is of his charm in a funny way, once you know that about him**

**EB: yes, this is what i have concluded about him as well.**

**EB: he is a pretty great guy. i am really looking forward to more of his outbursts, especially his first conversation with me, which i am to understand will be legendary.**

**EB: but we shouldn't tell him we said any of this, or he will be "furious"!**

**GG: heheheh**

**GG: shhhhhhhhh**

**EB: so what else have you been up to?**

**EB: we should try to catch up as much as possible!**

**GG: yeah!**

**GG: hmm what else... theres been so much going on, its been a little hard to keep track of it all!**

**GG: why dont you tell me what youve been up to first?**

**EB: oh man.**

**EB: you will never guess what i am doing right now.**

**EB: go ahead, try to guess, you will not succeed.**

**GG: ...**

**GG: whoa :O**

**GG: john where did you get that nice flying car?**

**EB: oh god dammit!**

WV hit the horn again and again and again. They smashed straight into a cloud and out the other side.

**EB: how do you know!**

**EB: do you have rose's crystal ball?**

**GG: sort of!**

**GG: she gave me the code, and i made a cool pair of goggles with it**

**EB: argh, i am surrounded by real life witches!**

**EB: everyone i know is turning magic, it's ridiculous.**

**EB: including me! i'm magic now.**

**GG: it certainly seems so! what with your fancy magic car**

**GG: and your chauffeur familiar, i guess?**

**EB: no, he is neither a chauffeur, nor a familiar...**

**EB: he is just a new friend!**

**EB: also, this is not a magic car, it is an ordinary car.**

**EB: i found it in my dad's wallet.**

**GG: you did?**

**EB: yes, i just found his wallet on the ground.**

**EB: but my dad was nowhere to be found. :(**

**GG: :(**

**EB: the clouds led me to the wallet though, so maybe they will keep leading me to him?**

**GG: hmmmmm...**

**GG: maybe, but hang on let me try something**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: i have seen lots of interesting things in the clouds...**

**EB: i guess you used to see things like that all the time, right?**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: what have you seen?**

**EB: wow, uh...**

**EB: well, lots of things that were mysterious and didn't make much sense...**

**EB: but also lots of things i recognized.**

**EB: like stuff i have done before. and also stuff i will do in the future.**

**EB: and things that rose and dave have been up to...**

**EB: and you too!**

**GG: :O**

**GG: like what, what did you seeeee?**

**EB: well, i saw you on your island, and saw you sleeping in a floating bed, and...**

**EB: i saw your pretty snow planet...**

**EB: and i saw you with some frogs...**

**EB: have you found any frogs yet?**

**GG: frogs?**

**GG: no...**

**EB: well, i saw you once in a neat outfit...**

**EB: it was kind of like you were torn from the pages of my favorite japanese mangas.**

**EB: and the snow was melting.**

**EB: and you were surrounded by frogs for some reason!**

**EB: heh, now it sounds like i am describing a weird dream i had about you.**

**GG: sure does!**

**EB: which i guess is sorta true? anyway, i guess that must not have happened yet.**

**GG: nope! but that sounds pretty interesting**

**GG: i wonder why i would be surrounded by frogs?**

**EB: dunno! but you are a witch, remember.**

**EB: witches LOVE frogs.**

**GG: hahaha thats true!**

**GG: i hope i am not planning on putting them in a cauldron or anything o_o**

**EB: i doubt it, it looked to me like a friendly gathering.**

**GG: whew!**

**EB: oh, and one time i saw a green version of you with pointy ears, and you were crying!**

**EB: did that happen yet?**

**GG: bluh. yes :|**

**GG: i prototyped my dead dream self and tried to get her to fight jack**

**GG: but it turned out to be a BIG MISTAKE**

**GG: god i cant believe how dumb that idea was, she was an emotional wreck**

**EB: oh no!**

**EB: what happened? where is she now?**

**GG: oh, she went off to cry somewhere else... good riddance!**

**EB: wow jade, you really have been up to a lot!**

**GG: hehe i guess so**

**EB: and i have just been staring at these dumb clouds for hours or whatever.**

**EB: i even saw my own dead body in a cloud!**

**GG: what!**

WV honked the horn again and held it for a long time.

**GG: oh noooo**

**EB: it's ok though, it already happened.**

**EB: i was sort of tricked into sleeping on my quest bed.**

**EB: and when i went to sleep, jack killed me.**

**EB: she must have known that would happen...**

**GG: who?**

**EB: vriska. do you know her?**

**GG: i dont think so!**

**EB: she is pretty cool, but just between you and me, she might be a little crazy!**

**GG: well if she tricked you into getting killed, then i would have to agree**

**EB: but, i don't think it's really like that...**

**EB: honestly i think dying was a necessary part of the process, and she just didn't tell me so i wouldn't get scared.**

**GG: what process?**

**GG: and how are you alive now if you died! john im a little confused**

**EB: well... i died on the quest bed and woke up here, as my dream self.**

**EB: and now i have all these sweet wind powers.**

**EB: which is how i am making this car fly!**

**GG: ohhhhhh!**

**GG: that makes sense**

**GG: dave had mentioned you reached the god tier**

**EB: yeah!**

**GG: but he did not say what it involved D:**

**GG: he probably didnt want to make me worried**

**EB: maybe, or he was just being some sort of aloof coolkid.**

**GG: or that!**

**GG: but he also said that no one else would do it but you...**

**GG: actually, now it makes sense that i wouldnt be able to, since my dream self is dead**

**GG: its too bad really**

**EB: yeah...**

**GG: i wonder what space powers would be like?**

**EB: hmm, i have no idea!**

**GG: oh well**

**EB: maybe you shouldn't rule it out though?**

**EB: i mean, you did mention your dream self isn't COMPLETELY dead, remember?**

**GG: !**

**GG: youre right...**

**GG: i suddenly dont know if i want to become a god tier anymore :(**

**EB: heheh.**

**EB: she was that bad, huh?**

**GG: DX**

**GG: i dont even want to talk about her! she is sad and cowardly.**

**EB: ok, i will not pry.**

**GG: why dont you tell me about your new friend?**

**GG: he sure seems to be enjoying that horn!**

**WV: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP**

**EB: i know, right?**

**EB: /rolls eyes**

**EB: he is just this silly guy i met when i woke up here.**

**EB: he seemed to be curious about me and followed me around for a while.**

**EB: also, i noticed he was wearing my bedsheet.**

**GG: haha! what is he doing with that!**

**EB: i don't know, there seems to be this whole cult full of people who worship my ghost sheets.**

**EB: i ran into a bunch of them in a salamander village, they are all completely ridiculous.**

**EB: so i guess he is a member of the cult?**

**GG: probably!**

**GG: you are just going to have to deal with the fact that you are becoming a famous hero john, and people everywhere will idolize you**

**EB: derp! they aren't idolizing ME, it's my dumb bedsheets they love!**

**EB: it's so stupid.**

**EB: OH!**

**EB: also, another thing about him...**

**EB: he has the queen's ring!**

**GG: :o**

**GG: thats great! john you have to get that ring from him!**

**EB: i've tried! i asked him politely for it and everything.**

**EB: but he is very protective of it!**

**GG: hmmmmmmmmmm**

**GG: that is a problem!**

**EB: actually, i think it's ok.**

**EB: i think he is supposed to keep it.**

**GG: you do?**

**EB: yes. once i saw something in the clouds.**

**EB: it was hard to tell what was going on, but i saw him!**

**EB: im pretty sure it was the future, and he had the ring, and...**

**GG: and what?**

**EB: and then the cloud stopped showing me.**

**EB: but i am pretty sure that some day...**

**EB: he will have to wear it!**

**GG: 8O**

**EB: so i think i will just let him keep it.**

**EB: for some reason, i trust him.**

**GG: ok john...**

**GG: i trust you**

**GG: so i will trust in your trust in him**

**EB: yeah, trust all around!**

**GG: im going to be a supportive piece of shit all day and fall down all this trust!**

**EB: how trustworthy do you even have to BE to CONFIDE in someone like that.**

**GG: lol**

**EB: anyway, i guess that's enough of that nonsense.**

**EB: i should keep looking for my dad!**

**EB: maybe if i fly around in this car with this guy beeping here, the noise will get his attention and he will find me.**

**GG: john, i already found your dad!**

**EB: you did?**

**GG: yes i found him with my goggles almost right away!**

**GG: but i didnt want to interrupt you**

**EB: oh! well that sure is convenient!**

**EB: where is he?**

**GG: he is with roses mom**

**GG: they are in a castle, having some sort of tea party together**

**GG: they appear to be enjoying each others company!**

**GG: its quite adorable actually**

**EB: oh wow...**

**EB: jade, what if they get married or something?**

**EB: oh god, if rose became my sister too, that would wreak HAVOC on karkat's shipping diagram!**

**EB: as leader of this team i submit that we cannot afford to let this happen!**

**EB: everyone man your battle stations!**

**GG: RED ALERT!**

**EB: we have a ship to sink! arm torpedoes!**

**GG: AWOOOOOOOOOOOGA!**

**EB: KA-PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOO. target destroyed. B)**

**EB: heheh, i am just joking around, of course.**

**GG: durrrr oh really john :p**

**EB: :P**

**GG: but really, they make a nice couple and i think it would be great if they got married!**

**EB: yes, i agree.**

**EB: even if it would make it awkward for me to marry rose.**

**GG: i guess so**

**EB: but maybe that doesn't matter? these are kind of special circumstances.**

**GG: yes they are pretty special**

**EB: i wonder if my dad and her mom would mind us getting married...**

**GG: i dunno**

**GG: who are they to stand between two youngsters in love?**

**EB: whoa, in love?**

**GG: yes john, two people must be in love in order to get married**

**GG: it is one of the rules!**

**EB: oh jeez, yeah i guess you're right.**

**GG: so what do you say john, are you in love with rose?**

**EB: um...**

**GG: and if not, are you prepared to fall in love with her?**

**EB: er.**

**GG: wellllll? :D**

**EB: argh!**

**EB: this line of questioning is making me flustered.**

**EB: all i know is, i was ordered by karkat to marry rose.**

**EB: i think we can both agree that it would be reckless to look at a crappy shipping diagram made by an alien, and ignore its message altogether.**

**GG: i didnt even know karkat made a shipping diagram...**

**EB: it's a thing of beauty, and it will save the human race.**

**GG: i will have to make him show me**

**EB: yes.**

**EB: btw, you will marry dave.**

**EB: 100% TRUE REALITY.**

**GG: _;**

**EB: it's ok though, i will not press you on your feelings for him.**

**EB: i already know you are totally into the strider anyway.**

**GG: whaaat...**

**EB: it's all in the diagram, jade.**

**EB: it's all in the diagram.**

**GG: i dont know about that!**

**GG: i clearly need to take a good hard look at this prophetic document**

**GG: and possibly tell karkat what an idiot he is!**

**EB: that you do.**

**EB: ok but anyway, who cares about his terrible shitty drawings and meddlesome romantic schemes!**

**EB: how do i find my dad!**

**GG: uh**

**GG: well, i dont actually know where he is relative to you!**

**GG: so i dont know if i can give you directions**

**EB: bluh!**

**GG: there might be some way to do that...**

**GG: these goggles are actually REALLY COMPLICATED!**

**GG: i will look into it and get back to you**

**GG: in the meantime, why dont you fly around and keep looking?**

**GG: at least now you know to look for a castle**

**GG: and maybe the clouds will give you some more tips!**

**EB: yes, that's a good idea, i'll do that.**

**EB: thanks for the help, jade!**

**GG: sure! 3**

**EB: i will talk to you later.**

**GG: later!**

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **ceased pestering gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **-**

And now someone else was bothering him. Oh, it was Karkat.


	113. Book 8 Chapter 2: Strong Backup

Chapter 2: Strong Backup and Teeth

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**CG: JOHN.**

**EB: karkat!**

**EB: what's up?**

**CG: I'M NOT SURE WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS.**

**CG: I GUESS IT'S JUST OUT OF A SENSE OF OBLIGATION AT THIS POINT.**

**CG: WE'VE COME THIS FAR**

**CG: SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOW.**

**EB: know what?**

**CG: I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE**

**CG: THIS MIGHT EVEN BE THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME.**

**CG: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING, THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME WILL BE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME.**

**EB: uh...**

**CG: I MEAN THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.**

**CG: BECAUSE FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I COULD BE DEAD SOON.**

**EB: oh no!**

**EB: are you in some sort of trouble?**

**EB: is it jack?**

**EB: karkat?**

**EB: what's going on?**

**CG: OH GOD THE HONKING**

**CG: WHY WON'T THE HONKING STOP**

**CG: I HAVE TO GO**

**CG: SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A DOUCHE TO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.**

**CG: I HOPE YOU CAN SUCCEED AS A LEADER WHERE I FAILED MISERABLY.**

**\- carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **-**

Woah, that message was rather disconcerting. John urged his navigator to ease up on the honking for a while, since it was distracting, and in bad taste given the circumstances. He needed to try to message his friend back.

**\- ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **began pestering carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **\- **

**EB: karkat!**

**EB: hey buddy, you were making me worried there...**

**EB: are you ok?**

**CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK.**

**CG: EGBERT, I JUST GOT DONE ERUPTING A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH.**

**CG: ASSUMING THAT'S A SUITABLY TERRIBLE PART OF HUMAN ANATOMY FOR A VILLAGE IN JEOPARDY TO EXIST.**

**EB: errr...**

**CG: SHUT UP. HOW DARE YOU CONTACT ME WHILE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKWARDS MARCH OF HATE THROUGH YOUR TEDIOUS TIMELINE.**

**EB: oh god, this is not right!**

**EB: you aren't supposed to hate me anymore, you're supposed to be kinda my friend, sorta!**

**EB: when is this?**

**CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN IS THIS**

**CG: OK, LET ME JUST CHECK THE UNIVERSAL CLOCK WHICH KEEPS CONSISTENT TIME FOR ALL FRAMES OF REFERENCE AND ALL PLANES OF REALITY.**

**CG: IT'S HALF PAST YOU'RE A MORON.**

**EB: ok, duh! i know that.**

**EB: i mean, how many times have you talked to me before?**

**CG: WE JUST GOT DONE WITH OUR SECOND CONVERSATION. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS?**

**EB: AUGH!**

**EB: this isn't good, i need to talk to future you!**

**CG: WHY**

**EB: because it sounds like you're in trouble.**

**EB: i think maybe you are running from jack?**

**CG: OF COURSE WE'RE RUNNING FROM JACK, I JUST GOT DONE FUCKING TELLING YOU THAT.**

**EB: no, i know, but...**

**EB: *SIGN***

**CG: I GUESS MY FUTURE CONVERSATIONS WILL INSTIGATE SOME MISGUIDED NEED FOR YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME LATER ON.**

**CG: WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO HERE.**

**CG: I SWEAR, IT NEVER ENDS WITH THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE SHIT. EVEN AFTER THE GAME IS OVER.**

**CG: EVEN AFTER YOU LOSE IT! HOW UNFAIR IS THAT.**

**EB: ultimate riddle shit?**

**CG: I CAN TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE A UTTER FUCKING JOY TO PARTICIPATE IN.**

**CG: I HONESTLY ENVY ANYONE IN THE POSITION OF NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH READING IT.**

**CG: BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT, JOHN, SO HERE WE GO.**

**CG: ARE YOU READY**

**EB: no, i just want to talk to future you. :(**

**CG: NO YOU DON'T**

**CG: TAKE IT FROM ME**

**CG: THE GUY IS A BASTARD.**

Future Karkat retreated further into the lab, dragging the unconscious Sollux with him. There was a quiet honk from somewhere in the distance, and Karkat looked around, frozen in fear.

In that moment when he hadn't been paying attention, he tumbled down the steps behind him, with Sollux following suit.

Sollux hit the bottom with a loud bang, knocking all of his teeth out. The mustard-blooded troll boy went on sleeping. Thanks, Eridan.

Karkat had been so busy being consumed by the unspeakable horror of Gamzee and Sollux and stairs, he hadn't noticed that someone had been trying to pester him all along. He pulled out his husktop and answered Terezi.

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**GC: K4RK4T, 1 H4V3 GR4V3 4ND S3R1OUS N3WS TO R3PORT**

**GC: 1 H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D TH3 SC3N3 OF 4 R34L L1F3 MURD3R!**

**GC: T4VROS W4S TH3 V1CT1M :[**

**GC: 1M V3RY UPS3T, BUT 1 4M TRY1NG TO ST4Y PROF3SS1ON4L 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: TH1S CR1M3 1S NOT GO1NG TO SOLV3 1TS3LF :]**

**GC: 1 H4V3 CONDUCT3D MY PR3ML1M1N4RY FOR3NS1C 4N4LYS1S OF TH3 SC3N3, BUT MY F1ND1NGS H4V3 B33N MOSTLY 1NCONCLUS1V3**

**GC: (1 4M ONLY PR3T3ND1NG TO TH1NK TH3R3 1S 4NY CH4NC3 1T W4S NOT VR1SK4, B3C4US3 OTH3RW1S3 1T WOULD B3 NO FUN)**

**GC: 4NYW4Y, 1 JUST W4NT3D TO W4RN YOU TH3R3 1S 4 BLOODTH1RSTY MURD3R3R ON TH3 LOOS3, 4ND YOU SHOULD B3 C4R3FUL OUT TH3R3!**

**GC: NOW 1 MUST 4TT3MPT TO R3V1V3 TH3 V1CT1M...**

**GC: 3333UGH...**

**GC: K4RK4T YOU C4NNOT 3V3N 1M4G1N3 WH4T TH1S SM3LLS L1K3 XO**

**GC: BUT 1 PR1D3 MYS3LF ON B31NG 4 TRU3 PROF3SS1ON4L, 4S W3LL 4S 4N 3XC3LL3NT FR13ND**

**GC: 1 W1LL B3 4W4Y FROM MY GL4SS3S FOR JUST 4 MOM3NT**

**GC: SO 1F YOU G3T TH1S M3SS4G3 PL34S3 B3 P4T13NT :]**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **ceased trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**CG: TEREZI? ARE YOU THERE?**

**CG: OH FUCK, TAVROS IS DEAD TOO?**

**CG: TEREZI LISTEN TO ME YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE.**

**CG: VRISKA IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.**

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: FORENSIC ANALYSIS? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?**

**CG: PUT YOUR FUCKING GLASSES BACK ON. GOD DAMN IT.**

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**GC: honk.**

**CG: AAAAUUUUUUGH OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **blocked ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

Karkat looked down at Sollux's unconscious body. He wished the boy would wake up. He could really use someone with awesome powers right now, being awake and not useless. Oh god, were those Sollux's teeth on the floor?

Karkat jammed Sollux's teeth back into his mouth haphazardly. "There," he said. "Good as new, best friend! It's like it never happened! No one can ever blame me for dropping him down the stairs now. Stairs? What stairs? Ha ha ha!"

He'd been hoping it wouldn't come to this. But Karkat was running out of options. He needed backup. _Strong_ backup.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **began trolling ****centaursTesticle [CT]**

**CG: EQUIUS, ARE YOU THERE?**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CG: OK, GOOD**

**CG: ARE YOU STILL REALLY STRONG?**

**CG: LIKE, IS THAT STILL YOUR THING?**

**CT: D - I am still e%ceptionally STRONG**

**CT: D - Strength continues to be my STRONGEST attribute**

**CG: OK GOOD.**

**CG: I GUESS THAT WAS A PRETTY DUMB QUESTION.**

**CG: I NEED YOUR HELP.**

**CT: D - With what**

**CG: GAMZEE IS ON A RAMPAGE**

**CG: HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL IF WE DON'T STOP HIM.**

**CT: D - You mean**

**CT: D - The highb100d**

**CG: WHAT?**

**CG: YEAH, I GUESS**

**CT: D - Oh dear**

**CG: WHAT**

**CT: D - Are you saying the highb100d has finally embraced his position atop the hierarchy**

**CG: NO I'M SAYING HE FUCKING SNAPPED AND WANTS TO MURDER US ALL**

**CT: D - Yes e%actly**

**CG: DAMMIT, WHY DOES THIS CONVERSATION HAVE TO BE SO PREDICTABLY TERRIBLE**

**CG: ALL I'M ASKING YOU TO DO**

**CG: NO, ORDERING YOU TO DO**

**CG: IS GO FIND GAMZEE AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, OR POSSIBLY TWO HALVES OF A BROKEN BOW, BEFORE HE KILLS ANYONE ELSE.**

**CT: D - I certainly appreciate the debauchery inherent in receiving an order of such gravity from a rogue-b100ded foulmouth**

**CT: D - But**

**CT: D - I'm not entirely positive I can raise a hand to the highb100d**

**CT: D - It wouldn't be my place**

**CG: OH MY GOD**

**CG: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT IN ALL THE MOST FUCKED UP WAYS POSSIBLE?**

**CG: YOU'RE GETTING OFF ON THIS AREN'T YOU**

**CT: D - Uh**

**CG: IF YOU ASK ME FOR A TOWEL I AM GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT RIGHT OFF THIS FUCKING METEOR**

**CG: IT WILL JUST BE ME, SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING INTO ENDLESS NOTHING, SCREAMING**

**CT: D - No, I have a sufficient supply of drying utilities**

**CG: I FORBID YOU FROM GETTING OFF ON ANY OF THIS**

**CG: DON'T GET OFF ON MY ORDERS, DON'T GET OFF ON PHRASES LIKE FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK, AND DON'T GET OFF ON ANY SORT OF WEIRD ADMIRATION YOU MIGHT BE HARBORING FOR A MURDEROUS CLOWN WITH PURPLE BLOOD**

**CT: D - The b100d**

**CT: D - It is just so**

**CT: D - E%quisitely purple**

**CG: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - But 100k**

**CT: D - The situation is very delicate I believe**

**CT: D - The highb100d would benefit from a proper enculturation into the aristocracy**

**CG: I DON'T THINK HE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR ETIQUETTE LESSONS, OR HOW A TRUE GENTLEMAN IS TO GO ABOUT HANDLING A PROPER FUCKING HORSE TEAT**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER HERE.**

**CT: D - I'll take measures to ensure our comrades aren't injured**

**CG: OK, AND?**

**CT: D - Well**

**CG: BUT YOU WON'T FIGHT HIM, IS THAT IT**

**CT: D - If it comes to close quarters skirmish, I will try to be prepared**

**CG: HOW FUCKING REASSURING!**

**CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT, I DON'T GET IT**

**CG: YOU KISS THE GROUND THIS LUNATIC WALKS ON BECAUSE HE HAS PURPLE BLOOD**

**CG: BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP YOU FROM RIPPING ON ERIDAN, I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU DON'T LIKE HIM**

**CG: AND HIS BLOOD IS EVEN PURPLIER, ISN'T IT?**

**CT: D - Yes**

**CT: D - That's different**

**CT: D - He is a sea dweller**

**CT: D - Our feud is codified in tradition**

**CT: D - Neigh, we are obligated to be at odds**

**CT: D - It's dignified**

**CG: OK FINE, THEN SPEAKING OF WHICH**

**CG: HE'S ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE TOO**

**CT: D - He is**

**CT: D - How many of us are rampaging murderously, e%actly**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW, AT LEAST THREE PROBABLY, BUT WHO EVEN KNOWS AT THIS POINT**

**CG: THE POINT IS, IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU MIND SNAPPING HIS STUPID WAND IN HALF OR SOMETHING?**

**CG: AND THEN CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SHITTY PRETENTIOUS SCARF.**

**CT: D - Do I really have to**

**CG: GOD, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NOW?**

**CT: D - I'd prefer not to interact with him**

**CG: WHY**

**CT: D - It's primarily that his advances make me uncomfortable**

**CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA.**

**CG: I WOULD HIGH FIVE YOU IF IT WOULDN'T SHATTER EVERY BONE IN MY HAND.**

**CG: AND IF YOU DIDN'T SMELL TERRIBLE.**

**CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU COULD CARRY OUT MY ORDERS IN THE LEAST PERVERSE WAY POSSIBLE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.**

**CG: JUST KILL ONE OR MORE OF THOSE ASSHOLES AND GET BACK TO ME, OK?**

**CG: I NEED YOU TO COME THROUGH FOR ME, BECAUSE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF MANPOWER HERE.**

**CT: D - We are**

**CG: YES DIDN'T I MENTION? FEFERI, KANAYA AND TAVROS ARE DEAD, SOLLUX IS UNCONSCIOUS, AND TEREZI IS MISSING.**

**CG: OH GOD, I HOPE SHE'S OK, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO LOOK FOR HER**

**CT: D - Oh shoot**

**CT: D - E%cuse my vulgarity**

**CG: I'LL LET IT SLIDE.**

**CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK.**

**CT: D - I will 100k into it**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG]** **ceased trolling ****centaursTesticle [CT]**

Terezi had foolishly misplaced her glasses during her heroic revival attempt, leaving her with no way to communicate with the others to warn them. This was why she really should carry no less than 5 computers on her at all times, like a sensible person.

Instead, she returned to the computer lab. There was no one here, however. Just someone taking a horn pile over there. Probably Feferi. And a big pile of something green next to the Transportalizer. Grub sauce maybe? She hoped it was just grub sauce. Please be grub sauce.

She sampled the sauce and responded with a quick but loud "bluh". Either someone had had a major sauce accident earlier, or this was the scene of yet another real life murder! Her team was so lucky to have her around to sleuth these heinous crimes.

And yet, the body was missing. She couldn't conduct much forensic analysis without it. This was _exactly _why you should never turn your back on a dead body, not even for a second.

Terezi walked over to Feferi on the horn pile. This was no nap, this was… _another murder_! What was going on in this lab?

She examined the body. Another textbook impaling. Her perp had been busy tonight… wait. There appeared to be a smaller pair of marks on the victim's neck. She looked at them. In addition to Feferi's fuchsia blood, there was green blood on the marks, the same color as the "grub sauce" on the floor.

Hmm… had Vriska really developed a taste for blood? She was completely out of control! According to Terezi's expert analysis, she'd barged in here with a lance, her new weapon of choice. This had startled everyone so much, it triggered a dreadful grub sauce spill, and/or chainsaw accident, causing the missing victim to lose a large volume of blood and/or grub sauce. Horrified by the sight, everyone had fled the room, except for the present victim, who'd been napping on the horn pile. The perpetrator next, in her deranged state of mind, had then sampled the spilt green blood/sauce from the floor. Her thirst piqued, she'd become tempted by the buffet of rich royal blood on the horn pile, dragged a trail of green from the puddle to the horns, and helped herself to the victim's neck. The victim had undoubtedly waken up midway through the gruesome feast, fought back, and gotten a lance through her chest for her trouble. The perp had then fled into the lab, thirsty for some more.

Yes, Terezi was quite sure that… that… that her theory didn't make a lick of sense! She wished she had her crack team of experts to advise her. If only she hadn't kicked them all into the bottomless pit, along with probably her glasses, accidentally. Damn their insubordination!


	114. Book 8 Chapter 3: Seek the Highb100d

Chapter 3: Equius Seeks the Highb100d

Equius stood in his new respiteblock along with Nepeta. Nearby was his gratifying heap of soundly thrashed robotics. Standing near this pile stirred powerful emotions in him. The closer he stood to piles of stuff, the more freely the feelings flowed. It was a law of reality.

**NEPETA: :33 *a furrocious and concerned moirail suddenly appurrches out of some wild shrubberies!***

**EQUIUS: D - I regard the furrocious moirail stoically**

**EQUIUS: D - I mean**

**EQUIUS: D - I greet Ms Leijon without issuing a statement of a%ion in the first person**

**NEPETA: :33 *ms leijon pawnders over whether mr zahhak is still feeling blue over his depurrted robo sw33theart and n33ds more ch33ring up***

**EQUIUS: D - Mr Zahhak, I mean I, will probably be feeling b100 about that for some time, yes**

**EQUIUS: D - But he is, darn it, I am, e%ceptionally STRONG and will cope with it admirably**

**EQUIUS: D - Even though**

**EQUIUS: D - She didn't even say goodbye for some reason**

**NEPETA: :33 aww :((**

**NEPETA: :33 we can always curl up in the pile again to talk about f33lings :33**

**EQUIUS: D - Nepeta, for goodness sa%es, a man can only di%uss feelings for so much time**

**EQUIUS: D - How long have we already spent in the roboti% pile**

**NEPETA: :33 ummmmmmmmmmm**

**EQUIUS: D - I believe it was at least an hour**

**EQUIUS: D - We e%amined my emotional state until we were both b100 in the face**

**NEPETA: :33 h33h33h33h33!**

**EQUIUS: D - What**

**NEPETA: :33 b100 b100 b100 b100 b100**

**NEPETA: :33 i just love how you say that word!**

**EQUIUS: D - I know**

**EQUIUS: D - Anyway, Nepeta, I think it would behoove us to address the e%treme danger in a serious manner**

**NEPETA: :33 you mean about gamz33? h33h33!**

**NEPETA: :33 im still not sure if i can believe it!**

**EQUIUS: D - That's because you still refuse to 100k upon our b100dlines as the deciding behoovioral factors they are**

**NEPETA: :33 behoovioral? :?**

**EQUIUS: D - Behavioral**

**EQUIUS: D - Sorry, my heart is galloping and I canter nunciate properly**

**EQUIUS: D - The horst case scenario is upon us**

**NEPETA: :33 *snort* X33**

**EQUIUS: D - His is the richest and most noble b100d possible among the high land dwellers**

**EQUIUS: D - As such, he is prone to being more violent and unpredictable than any of us**

**EQUIUS: D - Not everyone has been as lucky as I in the domain of moirallegiance**

**EQUIUS: D - I udder to think what I might be without you, Nepeta**

**NEPETA: :33 udder?**

**EQUIUS: D - Shudder**

**NEPETA: :33 oh! thats so sw33t equius, you know i will always be ready to tacklepounce you when you start getting especially furrious :33**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes, which is among the reasons why I must make your prote%ion a high priority**

**EQUIUS: D - The highb100d has joined a stable of those who are becoming increasingly volatile and murderous as we remain stranded in this laboratory**

**EQUIUS: D - I command you to steer clear of them, do you understand**

**NEPETA: :33 h33, did you mean st33r in the livestock sense?**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**NEPETA: :33 well, if youre refurring to vwiskers, i was already plenty scared of her!**

**NEPETA: :33 and if you are talking about mr ampurra, he has always given me the cr33ps anyway! so there is nothing to fret over**

**EQUIUS: D - E%cellent**

**EQUIUS: D - I would still prefur you hide, I mean prefer**

**NEPETA: :33 hide? where? :oo**

**EQUIUS: D - Behind that gait**

**NEPETA: :33 gait? you mean gate? what gate?**

**NEPETA: :33 what are you STALKING about!**

**EQUIUS: D - I mean that door over there, you goshdarned sillyface**

**NEPETA: :33 oh!**

**NEPETA: :33 kay! :33 33**

**EQUIUS: D - I will now s33k the highb100d, Nepeta**

**EQUIUS: D - I command you to go hide, as we di%ussed**

**NEPETA: :33 sure!**

**NEPETA: :33 but there are lots of nuts on the loose out there, so dont stick your neck out and take any big frisks!**

**EQUIUS: D - I will e%act caution, even when safety 100% to be 100% assured**

**EQUIUS: D - Even so**

**EQUIUS: D - I would still like to take the opportunity to say**

**NEPETA: :33 what?**

**EQUIUS: D - Goodbye**

**NEPETA: :33 …**

**NEPETA: :33 well ok, goodbye!**

**NEPETA: :33 but you had better believe i will s33 you again soon, equius!**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes, you will**

Nepeta took one last look around the musclebeast-decorated block, sighed, and exited the room via the door. She arrived in her shipping room, where she drew her latest ships on the wall. There was one of Feferi and Sollux in a matespritship, Kanaya and Rose in a matespritship, and Dave and Tav in a matespritship. Other ships included Gamzee Karkat, although the roles would have to be dramatically reversed, Vriska } Terezi (that's kismesissitude by the way), and Jade posing as an auspistice between Karkats from the past and future.

Speaking of which, Nepeta would have to remember to write Jade a nice thank you note for helping to stabilize Karkat's unhealthy relationship with his past and future selves. Maybe now with a clear head he'd be able to open his eyes to what waited for him in other quadrants. Certain other _pawsibilities_. Maybe noticing someone nice over there in that bright red corner, who had been there are along. ;33

She'd also drawn John and the Dersite wrapped in bedsheets. Umm… it was a ship in progress? Human romance sure was weird. And behind some crates was her one true pairing, something she'd never let anyone…

The crates tumbled down and there was a picture of herself and Karkat smooching, surrounded by red hearts. Oh no! No one could ever see this! Unless, of course, Karkat began to notice her. But until then… No! She stacked the crates back up quickly.

Nepeta supposed she should stay put, like Equius had said. But it was so frustrating being all cooped up in here! There was a great… I mean grate nearby. Surely scooting through the air ducts for a while couldn't hurt. Equius would never know!

She unscrewed the grate with her claws and climbed into the duct. At the far end, she could just make out a light… oh no! Pucefoot? Berrybreath? DOCTOR HONEYTONGUE? What monster could do this to them? The three scalemates were on the ground in the room behind the grate at the end of the duct, ripped up. Stuffing was everywhere. Written on the wall in chocolate-colored blood was one word: "HONK".

Nepeta climbed back and turned into a side shaft. She peeked through another grate to her right. There was some more writing in orange blood here. It said: "are you next :)".

Nepeta giggled. "Hee hee! Next for what?"

She continued along the side shaft until she reached the end. There was a grate here. Nepeta climbed out through the grate and found herself in a small room with two Transportalizers and a treasure chest. There was another grate at the far end. A trail of green blood led from one Transportalizer to the other. One was slashed in half, and the other disabled. In the chest was an enchanted shitty wizard figurine. It was a miracle.

Finally, she went into the other grate, sure that she could explore further and see some more. This duct was very short and had no side shafts. It ended in a single grate. Nepeta peeked out through it and gasped. There was Equius! And… Gamzee?!

An arrow flew into Equius's knee and the robot-building troll knelt in pain. Gamzee was walking toward him, bow in hand.

"HONK," Gamzee said. "honk. HONK. honk. HONK." Equius began to sweat.

The subjugglator bent the bow backwards with a loud "creeeeak," and looked down at his prey with a twisted grin. The wood snapped and Gamzee pulled the two halves apart.

He wrapped the bowstring around Equius neck and engaged murder mode. Equius's face turned blue due to lack of oxygen to his head. Finally, the indigo troll fell unconscious, and then he fell backwards, the string still around his neck like a noose. He was dead.

Nepeta hissed loudly and leaped from the grate, claws fully extended. She flew towards Gamzee, who turned his head slowly. He removed his Deuce Clubs from his strife deck with one hand and caught Nepeta's extended hand in the other. He grinned.

Enraged, the kitty troll scraped her hand across Gamzee's face, bloodying him. The juggalo troll did not once stop smiling. Nepeta fell to the ground and Gamzee honked.

"HONK. honk. HONK. honk. HONK. honk…"

"BEEP!" Having not paid attention, John and WV crashed straight into a tree in the middle of The Battlefield. The car crumpled into a totalled heap. John captchalogued it and stepped away. Luckily, neither of them had been hurt.

This was why seat belt safety should always be paramount. Remember to buckle up!

John and the Dersite proceeded on foot to a castle in front of them. Perhaps this was the one? As they approached, John made an attempt to contact his friends for verification. But there was no answer from Jade, or from Rose. He wondered what they could be up to?

Oh, it seemed someone else was bothering him. He flew into the window of the castle as he spoke with the spider troll.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****ectoBiologist [EB]**

**AG: Hi John.**

**EB: oh, hey there, vriska.**

**EB: can this wait? i was about to check out this castle and see if my dad is here.**

**AG: Your guardians are not here!**

**EB: oh...**

**EB: dang it!**

**EB: do you know where they are?**

**AG: Yes, they are in another castle. Don't worry, you'll find them later.**

**EB: argh, how much later?**

**AG: In a while! Man, settle down.**

**AG: I am telling you that you will find them after a little more questing around in your awesome 8lue godhood. So why don't you relax and talk to me for a while?**

**EB: well...**

**EB: ok, i guess so.**

**AG: Why don't you have your hood up, 8y the way?**

**EB: shrug.**

**AG: You look gr8 with the hood up. And anyway, we should 8e showing a little pride as the only ones to make god tier, don't you think?**

**EB: pshhh.**

**EB: i don't know if it is much of a major accomplishment, honestly.**

**AG: John, are you mad at me?**

**EB: um... no?**

**AG: Then what's the matter?**

**EB: i guess i just miss my dad. i was hoping he would be here, but apparently i won't see him for another few hours or whatever?**

**EB: if that is what you see in the future, then i guess there's no fighting it. bluh.**

**AG: I still find it a little hard to understand the sentimentality you attach to these adult humans.**

**AG: It just seems so strange to me. 8ut hey, that's alien culture for you.**

**EB: yeah, i know.**

**EB: i guess you just have to think of them the way you think of your lusus..ses? lusi?**

**AG: Yeah, sort of.**

**AG: Except I never liked mine that much. ::::\**

**AG: Even after I prototyped her, things were pretty chilly 8etween us! I spent most of my adventure avoiding her. Haha.**

**EB: that...**

**EB: is too bad.**

**AG: John.**

**AG: Are you suuuuuuuure you're not mad at me?**

**EB: no!**

**EB: why would i be mad at you, vriska?**

**AG: 8ecause I tricked you into getting killed!**

**EB: oh. right.**

**EB: i... actually almost forgot about that!**

**AG: Would it help if I said I was sorry?**

**EB: why would you need to apologize though?**

**EB: i mean, i admit i was pretty confused about it at first, seeing my dead body in the cloud and all...**

**EB: but in the end, you did it to help me, didn't you?**

**EB: really, i should probably be thanking you!**

**EB: uh...**

**EB: are you there?**

**AG: Yes, I am here.**

**AG: Sorry, I wasn't sure what to say for a moment.**

**AG: I am just so incredi8ly relieved you are not angry with me.**

**EB: heh. i really don't know what reason i would have to be angry!**

**EB: i mean, aside from the deception involved, but i kinda understand why you did that.**

**EB: and in any case, you did give me a choice.**

**AG: Yes, I did.**

**AG: I don't know, John. You'd 8e surprised how often people resent it when you try to help them!**

**AG: 8ut see, you really get it. That's why you're special.**

**EB: shruuuuuuuug!**

**AG: 33333333**

**EB: so...**

**EB: is that what you wanted to talk to me about?**

**AG: Yes.**

**AG: Well.**

**AG: Not exactly.**

**EB: then what is it?**

**AG: I know how this is pro8a8ly going to sound, especially to a human. **

**AG: 8ut I just killed someone. **

**EB: you did?**

**EB: who was it? you mean like, a bad guy?**

**AG: Not exactly. **

**EB: oh yeah, karkat mentioned that he was in trouble, and then had to go.**

**EB: it made me a little worried! are you guys under attack or something?**

**AG: I'm not sure what his deal is. I haven't seen him in a while. **

**AG: 8ut we are not under attack. **

**AG: Not yet, at least. **

**EB: oh.**

**EB: well, then...**

**EB: who did you kill?**

**AG: He was a friend. **

**AG: Someone from our team. **

**EB: why?**

**AG: It's a little complicated. **

**EB: well, did he attack you or something?**

**AG: Yes. **

**AG: 8ut really, that's not why I killed him. He was no match for me, and I could have just incapacit8ed him or flown away or whatever. **

**AG: The truth is I killed him 8ecause at the time, I thought I wanted to, and sort of felt like I finally had to. **

**EB: uh...**

**EB: why did you have to?**

**AG: 8ecause enough was enough! You don't even know how frustr8ing it was to 8e friends with him. **

**AG: I used to really like him and always wanted to help him get stronger, so that he might stand a fucking chance to actually make it on our world. **

**AG: 8ut he was just soooooooo weak and indecisive. He wouldn't change! **

**AG: And when he tried to change, it was too little and too l8. Always l8. L8ey L8ey L88888888. **

**AG: Too l8 to kiss me. **

**AG: Too l8 to kill me. **

**AG: He couldn't do it when I really needed him to. So when I saw he was actually serious a8out trying to kill me now of all times... **

**AG: I just got SO AAAAAAAANGRY. I am still a 8it upset thinking a8out it. **

**AG: So I killed him. **

**AG: And I'm pretty sure he's dead for good now. **

**EB: wow.**

**EB: you're right, vriska. that does not sound good.**

**AG: I know! **

**AG: I know our races are completely different. And I really h8 the idea of you thinking worse of me 8ecause of this. **

**AG: 8ut I don't have anyone else to talk to a8out it! **

**EB: you don't?**

**EB: what about all of your friends?**

**EB: i bet karkat would listen.**

**EB: or what about terezi? she's pretty nice, isn't she?**

**AG: No no no no no no no no! **

**AG: I mean, yeah, they're fine. 8ut I can't talk to them! **

**EB: why not?**

**AG: For one thing, they would pro8a8ly just 8e pissed off at me for killing Tavros. **

**AG: And more importantly, there's no waaaaaaaay I could tell them how I really feel a8out it. **

**EB: well, how do you feel?**

**AG: Horri8le! **

**AG: If any of my friends knew that, they would think I'm weak. **

**EB: oh...**

**EB: i guess i understand. i mean, i'm trying to, with the cultural difference and all.**

**AG: Do you? **

**EB: like, trolls are more violent and angry, right? kind of like klingons or something, which is an angry race of alien savages from a human tv show.**

**AG: We aren't savages, you dope! **

**EB: oh, i know, that's not what i meant! but i am guessing you all have to act tough to make it in your world, and have a sense of honor about fighting, and like to beat people up and stuff, right?**

**AG: Uh, yeah... **

**AG: Let's say close enough! **

**EB: but i think that no matter what alien culture you are from, killing is still wrong!**

**EB: and it sounds like you do too.**

**AG: Yeah, see. **

**AG: This is where our cultures clash, I think. **

**AG: It would 8e difficult to explain exactly how killing is viewed on our planet with all the nuance involved. **

**AG: It just isn't the 8lack and white thing humans seem to think it is! **

**EB: well, you could try. i am listening.**

**AG: On my world, I would 8e completely vindic8ed for killing him! He is far lower on the hemospectrum than me. He managed to disrespect me time and time again, 8ut I kept letting him live! In fact, the amount of slack I cut him would 8e considered scandalous 8y those in my class. **

**AG: I had every reason to kill him. And yet... **

**AG: I feel 8ad a8out it like a lame weak fudge8lood, just like he was. **

**AG: And the fact that I feel 8ad is why I'm sort of freaking out right now! **

**EB: i think if you feel bad, it just means you have a conscience. which is good, right?**

**AG: No. That's not how it works. **

**AG: I'm supposed to 8e just fine with it. **

**AG: This was sort of like a test, and I'm afraid I might 8e failing. **

**EB: how was it like a test?**

**AG: Well, it was the first time I killed some8ody. **

**EB: ok.**

**AG: W8! Ok, that's not really true. What I meant was, it was the first time I killed some8ody I cared a8out. **

**EB: so...**

**EB: you killed other people, that you didn't care about?**

**AG: Yes. Sort of a lot, actually. 8ut there was a really good reason for that! **

**EB: hm. how many?**

**EB: or... do i want to know...**

**AG: Oh, it doesn't matter. Pro8a8ly many thousands. **

**EB: uhhhhhhhh.**

**EB: hopy shit...**

**AG: God, I know how this sounds! 8ut I had to feed her. My lusus I mean. I've 8asically 8een playing this role as a slave in the food chain my whole life. It is what she selected me to do. **

**EB: i guess that is why you didn't get along with her?**

**AG: Hell yes. **

**EB: i see.**

**EB: still, that is a LOT of killing. jesus...**

**AG: Yeah, 8ut I never felt anything a8out it. It was just normal life for me. **

**EB: but then you finally killed a guy you liked, and...**

**EB: not so cool anymore?**

**AG: Yeah. OH! **

**AG: Ok, that's not quite right. He's the second person I cared a8out who I killed. **

**AG: Man, I always forget a8out her! **

**EB: uh.**

**AG: I guess she wound up getting me 8ack pretty good though, so we're even. **

**AG: Oh, also, TECHNICALLY I attempted to kill that same guy around the same time. **

**AG: 8ut I just wound up paralyzing him! Oops, hahahaha. **

**EB: ...**

**AG: 8ut man. That was sweeps ago. **

**AG: I think I had a really juvenile attitude a8out killing 8ack then. I think I was trying too hard? **

**AG: I was always really o8sessed with 8eing the 8est at stuff, and I guess I was trying to 8e precocious in that respect as well, and prove to everyone how 8rutal I could be. **

**AG: 8ut I was such a confused kid! I didn't know anything a8out what killing really means. I was trying to fake it, and it caused me nothing 8ut pro8lems. **

**EB: i guess i had no idea how different we really were.**

**EB: what i am hearing is seriously scaring the shit out of me!**

**AG: Yeah, I know. I wish we didn't have to 8e so different. I'm just trying to 8e honest with you, 8ecause like I said, I have nowhere else to go. **

**EB: ok, well i appreciate the honesty.**

**EB: so... if killing isn't exactly wrong, then what is it?**

**EB: what do you mean by "what killing really means"?**

**AG: I guess I have to admit I don't actually know that much a8out humans either!**

**AG: Other than that you are all pretty soft and mild mannered and seem to 8e friendlier, and think killing totally sucks.**

**AG: I really have no clue what it means to grow up as a human, though.**

**AG: 8ut I do know what it means grow up as a troll, and what's expected of us.**

**EB: what does it mean? **

**AG: When a troll comes of age, you 8etter 8elieve it means they're going to start killing.**

**AG: It's what we do as a race. We are very effective conquerors, and as such, we practically domin8 our galaxy. Or... used to.**

**AG: The ones that don't learn to 8e ruthless? They're 8etter off DEAD.**

**AG: And the reality is, it won't 8e long until they are. That's just life for us.**

**EB: that sounds terrible! **

**EB: i would like to be culturally sensitive, but i wish it didn't have to be like that for you. **

**EB: i have started to really like you guys! **

**AG: Well, thanks John. That's nice of you to say. 8ut let's face it, it doesn't fucking matter anymore, since our whole race was wiped out!**

**AG: May8e for the 8est, when you think a8out it.**

**EB: :( **

**AG: 8ut at least paradox space gave us some purpose 8efore wiping us out, right?**

**AG: At least we got the chance to cre8te you guys, and all those twinkly stars you used to look up at.**

**EB: yeah, that's true. **

**AG: So 8ecause we got that chance, it means we'll never actually get to come of age and enter troll society, and see if we got what it takes.**

**AG: 8ut that doesn't mean we stop growing up!**

**AG: I think the game knows it's always gonna 8e played 8y kids, and it always rigs it so they enter right around the cusp of sexual maturity, whatever the race is.**

**AG: Which kinda makes sense, since if they succeed, they've got their whole lives ahead of them to do whatever the hell they're going to do in their universe, like start repopul8ing and whatnot.**

**AG: That means the game also knows it's got to deal with all these damn kids who are coming of age while playing it!**

**AG: I really think how successfully they mature is tied to success in the game. It challenges the players in all the ways they need to 8e challenged to grow, which is different for every individual, and veeeeeeeery different for every race.**

**AG: I don't think we were so hot at that aspect of the game. In fact, I'm sure we were quite awful. Hell, even I wasn't that gr8 at it! I actually just kinda fell ass 8ackwards into the god tier, to 8e honest.**

**EB: hehe... yeah me too. :) **

**AG: 8ut what really gets me is this didn't even occur to me until just now, while I was sitting around thinking a8out it.**

**AG: It was so o8vious!**

**EB: what? **

**AG: That was why the game split us up into two teams.**

**AG: It knew as we came of age, we'd pro8a8ly start killing each other.**

**AG: So it just provided the stage. Red team vs. 8lue. It was so simple! All we had to do was what we were naturally inclined to. It might have worked out 8etter for us.**

**EB: uh... **

**EB: i don't really see how you guys killing each other would help you play the game better! **

**AG: Yeah, you'd think that would 8e counter productive! 8ut then again, may8e not.**

**AG: If we really did take the team thing seriously, and started killing each other, may8e it would have meant more god tiers?**

**AG: May8e all of us would have made it?**

**AG: Damn, can you imagine? We would have 8reezed through the game even faster, killed the king without a sweat. May8e claimed the reward 8efore Jack even showed up?**

**AG: Or if he did, may8e we could have 8eaten him then and there instead of scurrying off like cowards!**

**AG: In retrospect we failed at this so spectacularly, I am amazed, and kind of ashamed.**

**AG: It turned out that the only one of us with the guts to kill someone was already DEAD! Hahahahahahahaha. And 8oy, did I have it coming.**

**EB: dead? **

**AG: Yes, she was a ghost, and then 8ecame a ro8ot. Then she 8ecame a THOUSAND ro8ots. Then Jack killed them all 8ut one. Then she 8lew up.**

**AG: Oh, and she also had that exact 8izarre laptop you are using right now. How weird is that?**

**EB: gosh... **

**EB: your team is so crazy! **

**AG: Not crazy enough, apparently!**

**AG: Actually, this is pro8a8ly Karkat's fault.**

**EB: how? **

**AG: When it comes down to it, he was pro8a8ly too good a leader! He actually did manage to get the two teams to work together toward the same goal. It could have easily deterior8ed into a feud otherwise.**

**AG: He was just so loud and annoying and o8sessed with leadership. He wouldn't shut up! So it was just easier to go along with his plans.**

**EB: huh... **

**EB: yeah, i can see how that could be true. **

**AG: He sure kept us working together, 8ut in the end I think we paid for it.**

**AG: It wasn't natural! Pretty fitting, really, since he's kind of a freak himself. He's not even on the hemospectrum, the weirdo.**

**AG: I really dou8t he would have handled it as a leader if the shit ever hit the whirling device.**

**AG: He likes to pretend he's all vicious and 8loodthirsty, 8ut I know he 8n't got that in him. I have a sense for these things.**

**AG: He'd 8e so pissed if he heard me say this, 8ut I think he'd cut it 8etter as a human than as a troll.**

**EB: you probably mean that as an insult, but i think it is a nice compliment! **

**EB: but... **

**EB: i won't tell him you said it, heheheh.**


	115. Book 8 Chapter 4: Mindfang

Chapter 4: Mindfang

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Karkat looked at the ectobiology equipment and reflected on his prior experiences as his team's ectobiologist. It had seemed like he'd been doing something so important at the time. Finally everything had made sense. This was why he'd been here.

But what had been the point? They were clearly all going to die the most pointless deaths possible. Killed by a juggalo, perhaps? Or a desperate prince? Everything Karkat had ever believed about destiny had been meaningless. He wished he'd never pushed those buttons and hatched his team out of all this goddamn slime. He was no ectobiologist. If only there were some other title more befitting of the true discipline he was practicing, and the death sentence given to whatever he did the disservice of creating. He couldn't think of one though.

And what about the _other _twelve wrigglers he'd spawned? Who had they been? Probably further proof that this was all meaningless and random. Could it be that they had been the true heroes meant to be sent back and play this game, while his team was the superfluous crop? Could a mistake have been made during the Reckoning? Or just maybe, she'd been right about them all along. Not that it made any difference now.

Something was stirring behind Karkat. Something unconscious and toothless.

Sollux sat up and spat the teeth that had been jammed back in his mouth earlier out.

**EB: so... what about jack?**

**AG: What a8out him?**

**EB: are you still planning on killing him?**

**AG: Hmmmmmmmm.**

**EB: that would be a constructive way to use your killer troll instincts, even by human standards.**

**EB: it is much better than killing friends.**

**AG: Yeah, you're right.**

**AG: And to tell you the truth, part of the reason I wanted to kill him was to protect them. It's not just a8out glory you know.**

**AG: 8ecause if I don't do it, then who will?**

**EB: well, we have a plan to defeat him too, so there's that.**

**AG: Yes, I know a8out your plan.**

**AG: I guess two plans are 8etter than one, right?**

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: so...**

**EB: will you go fight him then?**

**AG: Man, I don't know anymore.**

**AG: It's one reason I'm freaking out a8out this. A8out feeling 8ad a8out a simple, perfectly justifia8le killing.**

**AG: If I can't handle that, doesn't it mean I'm not as strong as I thought? What hope do I have against Jack if that's the case?**

**EB: for whatever it's worth coming from a human, feeling remorse doesn't make you weak!**

**EB: i bet you are still really strong.**

**EB: but then, i'm not sure if i actually want to encourage you to go off fighting him...**

**EB: because as strong as you probably are, it sounds like he is REALLY strong.**

**EB: and even though you killed tons of people, i think i would still be pretty sad if you died.**

**AG: Aw. ::::)**

**EB: so maybe you should just let us handle it? at least we won't fight him directly.**

**AG: I don't know. Even though I'm conflicted, it still feels like something I have to do.**

**AG: I admit, I'm pretty scared thinking a8out it.**

**AG: Not of him necessarily, 8ut of the fact that I apparently don't know myself as well as I 8elieved.**

**AG: What if I'm not as lucky as I thought?**

**AG: What if I do not in fact have ALLLLLLLL of the luck?**

**EB: well, maybe you don't?**

**EB: all of the luck sounds like an awful lot of luck to have.**

**AG: Exactly!**

**AG: 8ut then, if there is no chance of catching a 8ad 8r8k, then taking a risk doesn't even qualify as 8r8very, does it?**

**AG: It isn't even a risk, 8y definition!**

**AG: So if this is going to mean anything, I guess I just have to find the strength from somewhere to go through with it.**

**AG: More than just the fakey strength that comes from turning a 8lind eye to all your flaws. You know what I mean?**

**EB: heh.**

**AG: Hmm...**

**EB: what?**

John looked out from where he sat atop one of the castle towers. In the distance, he saw a Dersite ship.

**AG: You know how I said I couldn't rel8 to the attachment you have for your guardians?**

**EB: yes.**

**AG: Well, I guess that isn't completely true.**

**AG: There are adult trolls who we can rel8 to, if we choose to, and if we are lucky enough to discover who they are.**

**AG: 8ut it is not really in a familial sense, at least not socially speaking, the way you understand family. They are more like figures of legend, who are said to have more in common with us genetically than any other troll. 8ut we can never meet them of course. Only look up to them, and follow in their footsteps, 8ecause they died centuries ago.**

**EB: like...**

**EB: ancestors?**

**AG: Yeah!**

**AG: We are each supposed to have one, and if you 8elieve the lore a8out it, your destiny will 8e tied to theirs. You will find clues pointing to them and who they were, 8ut you will only notice them if your eyes are open.**

**AG: You then can choose to take up the life they left for you. And if you do, they will always 8e looking out for you, and guide you in finishing what they started.**

**EB: wow, that is kinda neat.**

**EB: so, do you believe?**

**AG: I don't have to 8elieve.**

**AG: I am completely certain it is true, and I know who mine is!**

**AG: I have 8een doing my 8est to honor her legacy for most of my life.**

**AG: I even named my roleplaying character after her!**

**AG: She gained all the levels.**

**EB: all of them?**

**AG: AAAAAAAALL.**

**AG: OOOOOOOOF.**

**AG: THEEEEEEEEM!**

**EB: hehe...**

**EB: how did you know she was the one?**

**AG: It was 8efore I ever started gaming, or rounding up other kids to feed my lusus.**

**AG: I was nearing the age where I would 8e expected to feed her.**

**AG: And she was starting to get so 8ig, that she would have to crawl out of the caverns soon, no longer a8le to feast on stray wigglers she caught in her we8.**

**AG: It was kind of an intense sym8iotic thing, a particularly demanding lusus-troll relationship, and only really strong kids are supposed to 8e a8le to handle it.**

**AG: So of course I was terrified of the responsi8ility looming!**

**AG: I really didn't think I would make it. I was sure I'd fail, and my lusus would either get angry and eat me, or she'd just die and then I'd 8e culled.**

**AG: 8ut then I saw a shooting star one evening.**

**AG: I tracked down where it landed, and found a chest with my sign on it.**

**AG: A sign is an insignia we must wear, specific to our class. Each class has a huge alpha8et of signs, so when someone shares yours, you know you have a lot in common. I was so excited to see it.**

**EB: what was in the chest!**

**AG: It was her journal!**

**AG: She documented all of her amazing adventures as she sailed around the world, commanding a notoriously deadly fleet of Gam8lignants.**

**AG: It was so thrilling reading it. It really felt like she wrote it just for me, like she was talking right to me and telling me how to 8e like her. She even left notes on where she 8uried treasure and stuff, which I followed l8er when I started RPing. I found her dice that way, and so many other gr8 things.**

**AG: Learning a8out her gave me the strength and confidence to do what I had to do.**

**EB: that is a pretty exciting story! **

**EB: so then, your great great great grandnanna or such was some kind of troll pirate? uh, i mean, pir8? **

**AG: Yeah!**

**AG: And that's not all.**

**AG: Not that I really needed it proved to me that she was my ancestor, 8ut that's exactly what happened while playing this game.**

**AG: It turned out that in addition to cre8ting us all in the ecto8iology la8, Karkat cre8ted our ancestors too!**

**AG: 8ut he never 8elieved in any of that, and just thought they were random extra wigglers serving no purpose, the stu88orn jackass.**

**AG: The more common 8loods are less inclined to give a shit a8out that kind of stuff, legends and tradition and all that.**

**AG: Those in the upper classes like me put more stock in it, and rightly so.**

**EB: now that you mention that... **

**EB: it really sounds like our situations are not so different! **

**EB: i created our guardians in the lab too, along with the four of us. **

**EB: and when you think about it... **

**EB: i never even knew my nanna. **

**EB: she died before i was born. or, uh, before i created myself and sent baby me back in time, i mean. **

**EB: so really, she is my ancestor too! someone i am connected to genetically, but never knew. **

**AG: Oh yeah. Wow, I never thought a8out that.**

**EB: and even though i never knew her, she definitely helped me when i was growing up! **

**EB: i followed in her footsteps, and became an incredible prankster. **

**AG: Hahahaha. That is an admira8le calling, John. Every 8it as dignified as the path of the Marquise!**

**EB: i even had a book i learned a lot from too, the book was sort of a family tradition. **

**EB: it was written by an even older ancestor, my nanna's grandpa, who was only the most LEGENDARY PRANKSTER OF ALL TIME. **

**EB: so as you can see, we have both benefited greatly from ancestral wisdom. **

**AG: Yeah, that's so awesome!**

**EB: i think it is nice to see that when you take a closer look, we have a lot more in common than we first thought. **

**AG: I agree.**

**AG: Haha, oh man...**

**EB: what? **

**AG: I was just thinking a8out your life on Earth.**

**AG: You had it so easy! You don't have to go hunting for clues a8out your ancestors at all.**

**AG: There was a picture of her hanging RIGHT THERE on the wall of your hive.**

**EB: heheheh, yep! also, her ashes were there too. **

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: I don't know why, 8ut that is just so funny to me.**

**AG: Your lives are so simple and easy. It must 8e really nice 8eing a human, even though you're all so weak.**

**AG: 8ut may8e it's ok to 8e weak, if that's what's normal.**

**EB: yeah, it is pretty great, actually. i highly recommend being human.**

Back in the computer lab, Terezi received a message from Sollux.

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**GC: F1N4LLY!**

**GC: 1 W4S ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK 1 W4S TH3 L4ST ON3 OF US 4L1V3**

**GC: H4V3 YOU S33N K4RK4T?**

**TA: n0.**

**TA: but i've sure as hell heard him.**

**GC: WH4T DO3S TH4T M34N?**

**GC: 4ND WHY 4R3 YOU TYP1NG L1K3 TH1S, 1TS V3RY ODD :?**

**TA: it means that i'm blind n0w.**

**TA: and i guess i talk like this cause...**

**TA: kk kn0cked 0ut all my teeth like s0me kind of grubfisted d0uche.**

**TA: eheheh, n0w he's flipping 0ut.**

**GC: 1'M R3L13V3D YOU 4ND H3 4R3 OK**

**GC: 1 W4S G3TT1NG SO WORR13D, H3 WOULDN'T 4NSW3R**

**TA: seems like he wants t0 talk t0 y0u. **

**TA: but i was h0ping t0 talk with y0u a bit first, h0pe y0u d0n't mind. **

**TA: i mean, i kn0w he minds, but he can sm00ch my bl00dy, gummy m0uth right 0n the lisp f0r all i care. **

**TA: i mean lips! that's what i mean t0 say, n0w that i can. **

**TA: lips, lips, lipsssss. w0w, it feels s0 great t0 say that w0rd!**

**GC: H3H3H3 :]**

**GC: OK SOLLUX, W3 C4N T4LK**

**GC: WH4T 1S TH1S 4BOUT YOU B31NG BL1ND?**

**TA: i h0pe y0u d0n't find it insulting that i wanted t0 talk t0 y0u ab0ut it first. **

**TA: y0u just seemed like the right 0ne t0 talk t0 ab0ut it. **

**GC: 1 DO NOT M1ND**

**GC: HOW D1D 1T H4PP3N?**

**TA: it was eridan. **

**TA: g0t me with his fucking science stick, but it's my fault, i t0tally underestimated him. **

**GC: OH NO**

**TA: h0nestly i'm 0k with it th0ugh, i'm fine, i mean, aside fr0m the part ab0ut n0t being able t0 see g0d damn squat. **

**GC: SOLLUX...**

**GC: DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT F3F3R1?**

**TA: yes. **

**GC: 1M SORRY :[**

**TA: me t00. **

**TA: but it's 0k, i'm 0k with that t00. **

**TA: it's hard t0 explain h0w i'm feeling n0w. **

**TA: i just kn0w that she is happy and 0k right n0w. **

**TA: just like aradia is. **

**GC: YOU 4R3 SUR3 YOUR3 OK?**

**TA: yeah. **

**TA: i feel better than i ever have, really. **

**TA: there is n0 m0re n0ise, i never realized h0w N0ISY it was. **

**TA: i can finally relax, and hear my 0wn th0ughts with0ut having t0 yell them, 0r actually, just n0t have any th0ughts, that's a nice change 0f pace. **

**GC: TH4TS GOOD**

**GC: WH4T K1ND OF NO1S3 W3R3 YOU H34R1NG**

**TA: v0ices. **

**TA: indiscriminate, indecipherable v0ices, all talking at 0nce, v0ices 0f the s00n t0 be dead. **

**TA: they had been getting l0uder lately, and i just figured they were all 0urs. **

**TA: i tuned them 0ut kind 0f like i pretty much always d0, but n0w that they're g0ne the difference is HUGE, i mean W0W. **

**TA: maybe since they're g0ne, it means we w0n't have t0 die anym0re?**

**GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 R1GHT**

**TA: s0, since i guess i have t0 learn t0 be blind n0w, d0 y0u have any tisps f0r me? **

**TA: i mean tips. **

**TA: tips tips tips tips tips! **

**TA: 0u0 **

**TA: wait, n0, that s0unds stupid. **

**GC: H3H3**

**GC: Y34H! 1 H4V3 PL3NTY OF T1PS**

**GC: 1T M4Y T4K3 T1M3 THOUGH, 1T TOOK M3 PL3NTY OF T1M3 TO G3T US3D TO**

**GC: 4LSO, 1 M4Y NOT B3 4S GOOD 4 T34CH3R 4S 1 H4D, S1NC3 1 4M NOT 4 M4G1C4L DR4GON :[**

**TA: that's 0k, i'm happy t0 learn fr0m y0u just being y0u. **

**GC: HOOR4Y!**

**GC: SO WH3R3 4R3 YOU GUYS?**

**GC: 1 SHOULD COM3 JO1N YOU, SO W3 C4N ST1CK TOG3TH3R**

**TA: fuck, i dunn0. **

**TA: i'm BLIND, remember? **

**GC: H4H4H4**

**TA: i'll ask kk. **

**GC: H4NG ON**

**TA: what? **

**GC: SOM3TH1NG 1S GO1NG ON**

**GC: 1 SM3LL SOM3TH1NG 1N H3R3**

**TA: what? **

**GC: 1T SM3LLS**

**GC: BR1GHT3R**

**TA: brighter? **

**TA: terezi? **

**TA: are y0u there? **

**TA: aw shit n0...**


	116. Book 8 Chapter 5: The Dream Bubble

Chapter 5: The Dream Bubble

Dave attempted to resist the great urge to play Bro's Xbox. As usual, he failed to resist the urge. He started thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on his quest for… OH GOD DAMMIT! He'd been making a play for that sicknasty pack of deliriously mouthwatering Doritos and this idiot had gotten stuck in a pole again. Time to reset for the third time this hour. He was about to reset, when he realized that someone was bothering him on his phone. He didn't notice the mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the video game.

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling ****turntechGodhead [TG]**

**AA: hello!**

**TG: hey**

**AA: i think its absurd i never introduced myself to you in all that time i spent moping around the lab**

**AA: guess i wasnt in a very good mood**

**AA: hi dave my names aradia**

**TG: christ**

**TG: youre a fan of one of my websites arent you**

**TG: what asshole gave you my chumhandle**

**TG: also what was your favorite thing i did you liked**

**TG: and what did you think was so great about it**

**TG: also**

**TG: asl?**

**AA: um**

**AA: 6 a girl and a place very close to you**

**AA: in fact**

**AA: i could visit you right now if you would like**

**TG: oh holy shit ok youre a troll**

**TG: only trolls say theyre six i dont know whats up with you and that dumb fake age**

**AA: to be fair it translates to the same age as you which at the moment is 12 is it not**

**TG: makes no sense bye**

**AA: understanding disparities in the flow of time should be easy for people like us let alone understanding disparities in such pedestrian things as units**

**AA: i am 6 sweeps old one sweep is a little more than 2 years you dummy!**

**TG: cool story**

**AA: look it is either the truth or i am just someone who is being a bit playful what is the harm in that**

**TG: ok so 2=6 awesome joke hahahaha**

**TG: or wait maybe it was just a waste of time**

**TG: you people think im made of the stuff**

**AA: :D**

**AA: i know you arent **

**AA: but i am **

**TG: what**

**AA: maid of time **

**AA: whereas you are the knight of the very same cosmic faculty **

**AA: it would seem we have very little in common dave **

**AA: when in fact we have very much **

**TG: yeah**

**TG: i think**

**TG: im gonna shut off my phone now cya**

**AA: yes **

**AA: thats definitely what you did the first time we had this conversation **

**AA: so i will wait patiently while you realize thats not what youre going to do this time **

**TG: uh**

**TG: what**

**TG: the fuck**

**AA: dave describe to me why you are now incredulous please **

**TG: i remember this**

**TG: i remember shutting off my phone and never talking to you again**

**TG: but**

**TG: im still talking**

**TG: whats going on**

**AA: of course you remember that **

**AA: this is a memory **

**TG: no its a dream**

**TG: im asleep**

**TG: or am i**

**TG: what is going on here**

**AA: come to the window **

**TG: why**

**AA: because im outside **

**TG: bs**

**AA: take a look **

**TG: i dont see anything out there**

**AA: that iiis **

**AA: becaaause **

**AA: im not out there anymore! **

**AA: turn around**

Dave turned around and his eyes widened behind his triangular glasses. Standing in the room near him was a gray-skinned girl with a red fairy outfit, complete with wings and a hoodie with holes for horns. On the shirt was the symbol of Time, a circular gear.

**TG: oh sup**

**TG: looks like youre a fairy**

**AA: yeah**

**TG: thats cool**

**TG: these arent my shades anymore **

**TG: john gave me these new ones for my bday **

**TG: i remember that **

**TG: and i wasnt wearing this shirt **

**TG: it was this one **

**TG: howd it get like that **

**AA: try to remember**

**TG: i cant **

**TG: wait **

**TG: i wasnt wearing this actually**

He switched to the red plush suit.

**TG: i was wearing this suit **

**TG: no wait **

**TG: it was a black one **

**AA: are you sure**

**TG: yeah **

**TG: and i was playing sburb **

**TG: thats right **

**TG: and then i went to sleep at some point **

**TG: which is why im asleep now **

**TG: but **

**TG: if im dreaming **

**TG: then why am i not awake as my dream self **

**AA: why indeed!**

**TG: shit **

**TG: this wasnt the suit i was wearing**

Dave switched into the green plush suit.

**TG: it was this ugly fucking rag**

**AA: yes**

**AA: i think it looks pretty nice but go on**

**TG: and i went to take a nap**

**TG: terezi said id reach god tier**

**TG: or i guess show me why i wouldnt**

**TG: did it work is this part of the process somehow**

**AA: no**

**AA: sorry**

**TG: so then**

**TG: its just a stupid pointless dream**

**AA: not exactly**

**TG: wait**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i woke up**

**TG: and then**

Blood appeared on the front of Dave's shirt.

**TG: welp**

He switched back into his disc shirt and walked over onto the surface of LOWAS. It was a dream, after all. They weren't really anywhere in particular at all.

**TG: so then**

**TG: im dead**

**AA: yes**

**TG: then this isnt a memory or a dream at all**

**TG: its the afterlife**

**AA: yes and no**

**AA: yes and 2 nos!**

**AA: it is the afterlife**

**AA: but what is happening now is taking place in a bubble which is accessible to the living through dreams under the right conditions**

**AA: and it is also your memory**

**AA: the entry point for any bubble is always a memory**

**AA: either a memory of the dead**

**AA: or a memory of the living dreamer come to visit!**

**AA: but once you realize it is not just a memory**

**AA: what happens next is up to you**

Nearby, another Dave stood over Bro's dead body. He was wearing his I-shades.

**TG: ok**

**TG: what is going on over here then**

**TG: is this some disturbing ghost hallucination should i start slapping myself or what**

**AA: no this actually did happen**

**TG: i dont remember this**

**AA: thats because it isnt your memory**

**AA: this is alpha dave**

**AA: the one who chose not to take the nap which led to your death**

**TG: fuck**

**TG: lucky bastard**

**TG: so then i guess terezi tricked me**

**AA: did she**

**AA: didnt you ask for this**

**TG: it would have been cool to know if picking one option would definitely kill me pointlessly so yeah**

**TG: but i guess i kept giving her shit about it and i knew she was kind of crazy and morbid anyways so whatever**

**TG: is**

**TG: bro dead there**

**AA: evidently**

**TG: like in reality**

**TG: like thats a thing that really happened**

**TG: also**

**TG: is reality still a thing that means something can that be a question on the table too**

**AA: yes yes and yes**

**AA: yes it can be on the table and yes reality still means something**

**AA: and yes your guardian did die**

**TG: well**

**TG: dammit**

**TG: what did i do wrong**

**TG: aside from getting my ass killed in the most retarded way possible**

**AA: nothing**

**AA: all is well and as it should be**

**TG: whats he doing**

**TG: alpha me**

**AA: what would you be doing there if you were him**

**TG: i am him**

**AA: even better!**

**TG: i dunno**

**AA: would you be upset**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: sorta**

**AA: then maybe what you are doing is grieving**

**AA: in whatever way that comes naturally to you**

**TG: maybe**

**AA: you are lucky to be able to**

**AA: i could not for a long time**

**AA: but now that i can again im so relieved**

**AA: because i have discovered there is no reason to grieve!**

**TG: ok**

**TG: am i talking to someone there**

**AA: looks like it**

**TG: who**

**AA: who do you suspect you would be talking to in this situation**

**TG: probably**

**TG: terezi i guess**

**AA: maybe she is helping you through this**

**TG: i dunno**

**TG: would she do that**

**AA: you were helping her werent you**

**TG: was i**

**AA: i think so**

**AA: the living need each others help**

**AA: just like the dead do**

**AA: alpha dave still has a long way to go**

**AA: hes still not at ease with his mortality**

**AA: but people like us have to be!**

**AA: we have to be prepared to die a thousand deaths before our quest is complete**

**AA: the master we serve demands it**

**TG: so**

**TG: im just one dead dave offered up to the time god**

**AA: pretty much**

**TG: what about the other dead daves**

**AA: they come here too**

**AA: in their own bubbles**

**AA: you may cross paths with them if you wish**

**TG: uh**

**TG: i think**

**TG: im up to my neck in dave already**

**TG: just being one**

**AA: ha**

**AA: i know the feeling :)**

**TG: still doesnt seem right though**

**TG: why are you even here like why are you showing me this**

**AA: im not showing you im just visiting your bubble**

**AA: it projects your thoughts and memories**

**AA: as well as other things relevant to you much like the clouds do in skaia**

**TG: but like**

**TG: if im seeing this**

**TG: shouldnt i be able to do something about it**

**TG: or stop it from happening or**

**TG: i dont know like anything to keep helping my friends**

**TG: what do i do**

**AA: nothing**

**AA: none of this is your business anymore**

**AA: its time to move on**

Dave and Aradia left LOWAS and entered someplace that Dave didn't recognize.

**TG: where are we now**

**AA: oh look this was my hive!**

**AA: before it was destroyed**

**TG: oh so this is the trollplanet**

**TG: pretty cool not really what i pictured**

**AA: what did you picture**

**TG: i dont know its more subdued**

**TG: i pictured a lot more mayhem like**

**TG: a bunch of trolls flying around in little grub pods constantly screaming at each other through bullhorns shaped like buckets**

**AA: thats very silly and a little perverse**

**TG: hahaha**

**AA: but actually that sounds like what it might have been like on some parts of the planet sooo**

**TG: can we not go to those parts**

**AA: ill put in a good word with your bubble about it**

**TG: awesome**

**TG: so what am i supposed to do now that im dead**

**TG: what is like**

**TG: the primary activity here**

**TG: that ghosts get their shit worked up over**

**TG: like**

**TG: where are the fucking hauntoffs at is what im asking**

**AA: i dont know about hauntoffs**

**AA: but there is plenty of time to satisfy various curiosities you might have about existence and whatnot**

**TG: boring**

**AA: is it**

**TG: just kidding that sounds cool**

**AA: oh! yes**

**TG: what else**

**AA: there are all sorts of friends to meet**

**AA: ones you already know and ones you dont**

**AA: there is plenty of time for just about anything**

**AA: lots and lots of time**

**AA: enough time to understand that time isnt much of anything at all**

**TG: it isnt**

**AA: time is like a game**

**AA: just one fun game in realitys cupboard which is full of them**

**AA: its the one we are the best at!**

**AA: while other people are better at the other games**

**AA: but when all the games are back in the cupboard everyone is about the same**

**AA: and games are fun but sometimes you dont realize how much fun you were having until theyre all over**

**AA: and sometimes you look back and realize for some stupid reason you werent having any fun at all!**

**AA: then you laugh**

**TG: ha**

**TG: haha**

**TG: i bet you meant a laugh a whole lot less shitty than that**

**AA: that laugh will suffice**

**AA: hey!**

**AA: want to see inside my hive**

**TG: yeah sure**

**TG: well**

**TG: how about later**

**TG: not that that doesnt sound cool but i kind of want to just go home**

**TG: and i guess chill for a while cause i guess it was all a bit much**

**TG: if thats ok and i guess also possible**

**AA: it is quite possible and more than ok**

Dave and Aradia returned to Dave's room to find Tavros standing there.

**AA: it seems you have a hiveguest dave**

**TG: aw hell no**

**TG: is this who i think this is**

**AA: tavros has been looking forward to meeting you**

**AT: hEYYY,**

**AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE FANTASTIC,**

**AT: wHICH IS TO SAY, jUST AN ENVIABLY COOL GUY, wHO i ADMIRE,**

**AT: lET'S PUT THAT COMPLIMENT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT,**

**TG: holy shit**

**AT: lOOKS LIKE i FOUND ANOTHER POINT IN TIME TO BOTHER YOU,**

**AT: wHEN, i GUESS,**

**AT: yOU ARE MORE EMOTIONALLY SUSCEPTIBLE,**

**AT: }:)**

**TG: dude**

**TG: are those sick fires youre packing there**

**TG: you best not be bringin that fire into my bubble less you plan on dropping that shit**

**AT: oHH, bRO,**

**AT: tHESE ARE WITHOUT ANY CONFUSION TO BE NOTED AS SOME TRULY UNHEALTHY INCENDIARIES,**

**AT: tHEY ARE IN ABOVE AVERAGE NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION,**

**AT: sO, iN OTHER WORDS, jUST TO COMPLETE THE ANALOGY, i HOPE YOU KNOW A LICENSED PHYSICIAN,**

**TG: i am your general fucking practitioner and doctors orders are to shut up and burn down my goddamn office**

**TG: ill break your brittle ass like a graham cracker and well roast smores over the flaming debris have i made myself clear**

**AT: aH, hAHA, yES, aND,**

**AT: cERTAIN FEATURES OF YOUR PALE ANATOMY MAY SERVE AS THE MARSH MALLOW INGREDIENT, nEEDED FOR THE MOLTEN SNACK,**

**AT: i WILL PROVIDE THE FUDGE, }:D**

**TG: dude**

**TG: gross**

**TG: so aradia just so were clear**

**TG: this is like a hellbubble right**

**TG: its my eternal punishment to have shitty rapoffs with this tool forever is that it**

**AA: yes you figured out the mystery!**

**TG: i guess i had it coming for a flagrant lifetime spent being unbelievably fucking incredible at rap and just about practically everything else**

**TG: except not dying**

**AA: you may think so but then again you have not faced team charge in a match of slam poetry have you**

**AT: oHHHH, yESSS,**

**AA: just kidding im no good at slam poetry haha sorry**

**AT: oHHHH,**

**AT: oH, }:(**

**TG: so is he dead**

**TG: he looks dead**

**AA: yes hes dead**

**TG: what about you**

**TG: you dont look dead**

**TG: are you dreaming**

**AA: no i am wide awake**

**AA: and i physically stand before you in person!**

**TG: so**

**TG: youre not dead**

**AA: oh no**

**AA: i am very much alive **

**AA: and i intend to stay that way :)**


	117. Book 8 Chapter 6: Being Creative :B

Chapter 6: Being Creative

**EB: ok then, i guess i will get going.**

**AG: Go where?**

**EB: to keep looking for my dad!**

**AG: Are you sure you don't have more important things to worry a8out?**

**EB: um...**

**EB: are you saying that i am still not supposed to find him yet?**

**AG: John, please. I thought you were done getting the future spoon fed to you like this.**

**AG: I have told you that you will find your dad eventually. That should 8e good enough! Don't you think it's time to start taking your responsi8ility more seriously?**

**EB: well, yeah.**

**EB: but what responsibility do you mean?**

**AG: We just concluded that I am going to go fight Jack. And there is a possi8ility I will fail! He could kill me easily for all I know. 8ut it's something I have to try.**

**AG: And if I do fail, your plan will serve as 8ackup. There is a lot riding on you, John. On 8oth of us!**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: so you're saying i should go get the tumor now instead of putting it off?**

**AG: I'm not telling you to do anything. Just reminding you of what's at st8ke.**

**EB: wait, i mean the ****tumor. **

**EB: wait...**

**EB: i mean ****The Tumor! **

**AG: Why don't we just call it what it is.**

**AG: A ****8ig fucking 8om8 in the core of your 8attlefield. **

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: which is what i was wondering about...**

**EB: how am i supposed to get it out?**

**EB: i guess go find a cave or something?**

**AG: Yes, you could pro8a8ly go looking for a sanctioned entry point.**

**AG: Or you could just do what winners in a hurry do.**

**EB: what...**

**AG: Cheat!**

**EB: uh, is that even possible?**

**AG: It's practically always possi8le.**

**AG: I won't tell you how, 8ut I will point out you could start making 8etter use of your powers than facilit8ing noisy joyrides.**

**AG: Is that what Earth is like, 8y the way? A 8unch of humans flying around in little wheeled pods constantly 8eeping at each other with their chauffeur familiars?**

**EB: hehe, no.**

**EB: well, maybe some places, but most cars stay on the ground, because science fiction hasn't happened yet.**

**AG: Anyway, I'm just saying it's time to do something useful and impressive with your powers, deli8er8ly for a change. You are a god now, remem8er?**

**EB: yes, but...**

**EB: all i can do is make a lot of wind blow around!**

**EB: how is that going to help?**

**AG: Use your imagin8tion!**

**AG: That windy thing of yours is more vers8tile than you think.**

**EB: alright, i will try.**

**AG: Good.**

**AG: I think it's time for me to get going too. I will prepare for 8attle.**

**EB: oh, man.**

**EB: i guess if there is nothing i can say to change your mind, and it's something you really have to do, then i understand.**

**EB: but, how about this...**

**AG: What?**

**EB: can this not be the last time we talk before you go?**

**EB: it would be nice to hear from you at least once before you leave to fight him.**

**AG: Yeah! You got it. I will message you 8efore I leave.**

**EB: in my future, too! none of this messaging me in the past nonsense, before i even knew you.**

**AG: Of course.**

**EB: ok, great. i will hold you to that, vriska.**

**AG: It will 8e a certainty.**

**AG: That said, there is no need for any sort of farewell right now.**

**AG: Go do your amazing windy thing, John. 8e cre8tive! I will talk to you l8er.**

**EB: ok, i will, later!**

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **ceased trolling ****ectoBiologist [EB]**

John decided to be creative. He created a giant blue tornado that swirled around him. WV got caught in the wind but John didn't even notice. He was drilling into the Battlefield ground with a huge-ass tornado. The Dersite ship got caught in the torment as well as the entirety of Skaia began to shake from the sheer force of John's power.

Elsewhere, in the white castle rather than the black one, John's Dad and Rose's Mom sat at either side of a table. More wine for the lady? This woman sure did seem to like her wine. The gentleman had never met a woman quite so taken by the drink, or one as enchanting and beautiful, for that matter.

Oops! The fellow, in the shaking of The Battlefield, had stained the mademoiselle's fine garment. The gaffe was unforgivable, and the only true course of chivalry would be to liberate the damsel from the sodden cloth and launder it immediately. But the lady had no concern for the purity of her finery. She had other things on her mind altogether.

The woman had never met a gentleman so strong and considerate and handsome. She could not tell for certain if her intoxication was due to her seventh glass of wine, or the contours of his proud, powerful nose, and the sensual aroma wafting from his pipe.

The man and the woman were at ease. They had everything because they had each other. They knew that together they could make it through anything, whether trouble brought a bit of spilt wine on a chic lab coat, or reduced the very castle beneath their feet to ruins.

The table and the coat were not the only things covered in wine now. There were a pair of triangular glasses with the rich mahogany of the alcohol on them, and the carapacian they belonged to was not a happy dog.


	118. Book 8 Chapter 7: Mindfang's Journal

Chapter 7: Mindfang's Journal

**~ On the 14th 8ilunar perigee of the 2nd dim season's equinox ~ **

**The Orphaner poses a caliginous riddle like no other I've met. I am presuming him 8othered 8y jealousy, and it would 8e sickening if it were not so marvelously amusing. 8ut then, who 8ut royalty could have the finned cheek to show disdain for the manner in which his 8lack lover conducts her red conquests? Less has acceler8ted meeker than I to homicide, and the viol8tion would hold me aghast, again, if his misgivings did not complement his so endearing arsenal of qu8nt flaws. It is impossi8le to stifle this grin even now as I write. **

**He surely understands this as my maritime overlord, a superior while through gritting fangs he would concede the expanse of my plunder makes his seem hardly worthwhile to trou8le a map with good ink over. I know he understands. I will take what I want. I expect nothing less from Dualscar, and truly, less would offend me. Is it the crude 8lood of the suitors from which I have taken enjoyment recently? If his displeasure is with my 8lithe treatment of the social order then he has either not spent enough time in the warm company of my indifference, or is simply very stupid. I saw the look he gave. He's so secure in knowing I can't feel what's in his mind he forgets the tr8torous ways of his own face. His little looks are words to me, interjections in our deliciously 8itter repartee. First a look as I summon a slave from the hold, with such ease 8etween my remarks. Why yes, Dualscar, they were the very slaves in your hold until 8ut this hour. Another ship deployed carelessly, languishing in strategic vulnera8ility. Is this not our routine? Our dance? What is this look, my dear kismesis? Is it shame? Envy? Contempt for what he knows will follow? **

**I nod her over. She is fearful and it makes her prettier. He scoffs without a movement or sound. I know there is disgust feeding the shadows in his corner of my 8lock. At least prick her in the light, he surely thinks. Determine what vulgar hue she 8leeds 8efore persisting with your a8asement, Marquise. Do try to understand, Orphaner. Not knowing is the point, and if you truly understood this, your crusade against the Gam8lignants would not 8e among our Grand High8lood's most uproarious punchlines. (If only one truly needed to 8e so high to find it amusing!) And so not knowing, I take her will, 8ut leave enough of it to enjoy her response. Her hands are in my service 8ut they still shake. They unfasten the first 8utton at my jacket's waist, clumsily. I have masked the line 8etween my puppeteering and her volition exquisitely, and her uncertainty over her own control fuels her fear. She unfastens the second 8utton, and 8etween the second and third, I make a casual remark to Dualscar, continuing our convers8tion. He does not respond. **

**I look again at the face of my slave, imagining for a moment her mind is not an unguarded port to her every dread. I imagine I cannot feel her conviction that it's not merely a matter of whether she will 8e put to the irons, 8ut how hot they will 8e if she fails to please. Poor thing. Her horns make attractive shapes and pair themselves pleasantly amidst her violent snarls of hair. Her fingers, which I have lost track of, to my surprise have come 8etween the petticoat and my skin. The heat of her touch tells me the likely range for the color of her 8lood. I wouldn't have guessed it to look at her, not with her sign stripped. Her mouth opens slightly and I squint. Ah! Razor sharp, and none missing. Perfect. How disappointing it is to find quivering lips hiding dull teeth. I pause to consider. What will her fear 8ecome if I choose to show her mercy later? And even, in days, kindness? Will this 8e the red dalliance that 8ecomes fully flushed? Love demands my cunning just as my raids. If it is to 8e, she will never understand how thoroughly she was manipul8ted, her 8ody, her mind, her devotion. **

**I remem8er Dualscar again. My distraction from our 8anter was momentarily a8solute, and I inquire into the shadows. 8ut he is gone. **

**Then go, my kismesis. Fume with the indign8tion I gave you. I can only pray it 8lackens our 8ond. I must know such exhi8itions agit8 him and hence why I 8other, otherwise it would 8e easy to dismiss him 8efore I partook. Let it 8e a gift of antagoniz8tion to you, my dear rival, on which you may 8rew pitch for me anew. And if it is true envy, a vermilion yearning I can't a8ide, then though it pains me it will 8e farewell. **

**Alas, it may 8e that I am too good at spurring h8. Too good, at least, for him. I only hope he is not so foolish as to tread a path of less torrid malice. **

**For if he does...**

**~ On the 16th ~ **

**My suspicions have 8een confirmed. I'm not grinning anymore, Dualscar. **

**Our orderly contention has dissolved right 8efore my vision 8fold. It was once a handsome 8lack, 8ut now sits like good strong tea sullied and cooled 8y unwelcome dairy. **

**Thus my heart was 8roken twice. I was fond of the slave. There was surely promise in her red investment. He had her assassin8ed.**

**And so I am visited 8y a 8it of 8ad luck for a change. It's not possi8le to evade it forever, I suppose. I will simply have to endure the misfortune of o8serving his 8ase and artless measures of retali8tion.**

**He's applied his own resources to increase the 8ounty on my head. I wonder if he intends such a laugha8ly ineffectual gesture as anything more than a formality, a sym8ol of his intent. If not, my smile. How it threatens to revisit. Almost. **

**I've 8roken laws, yes. 8ut what has there 8een to pay for? If any act I've taken should demand a 8ounty, it was paid up front. I foot the 8ill myself with guile and supremacy.**

Vriska landed in front of Eridan and held the fluorine octet in her hand. He pointed his white science wand at her. Suddenly, there was a honk and they both turned.

**~ On the 20th ~ **

**If only my hoard were as 8ottomless as his desire to disappoint me. He is set on cowardice, deferring to others to settle his score. **

**Doesn't he remem8er what he's confided? It would 8e easy to give the evidence to Her Imperious Condescension, and he would 8e killed quickly for his unthinka8le presumption. He's taken a gr8 risk har8oring red am8itions for an empress who will never even know his name. Not that I'll sink to his tactics. **

**8ut then, he feels safety in knowing this. My sources say he is en route.**

**~ On the 21st ~ **

**I've learned Dualscar has reported to the Grand High8lood all the intelligence he has on me and my fleet. It was inform8tion he'd guarded closely to protect our once mutually cherished rivalry. He couldn't let it fall into the wrong hands, lest another 8esiege me more effectively and cause me to wax for the usurper. Not that he'd raised that mast particularly high himself. Ah, the shortcomings I manage to overlook for the sake of a lover. **

**I would have enjoyed witnessing the entertainment he prepared to please the High8lood. His sense of humor was dreadful. It would have 8een a true miracle if he survived the appointment. **

**Funny, I always imagined a grander entry in my journal for your demise, Dualscar. 8ut I should have realized you would die as you lived. A joke. One more humorous little sacrifice kindly given to the Su8juggl8ors, and one step closer to the release of the Vast Honk they prophesize. I am overjoyed to understand now this was always your destiny.**

"HONK. honk. HONK. honk. HONK. honk. HONK…" Gamzee said continually. He was wearing Equius's cracked shades and Nepeta's blue helmet.

Elsewhere, Terezi lay with two little marks in her neck. Her turquoise blood was mixed with a darker green blood color.

**It's 8een nearly a week since Dualscar's fitting end and I'd all 8ut forgotten the matter. It seems the Su8juggl8ors were not particularly inspired 8y his revel8tions a8out my affairs. Sources tell me their response was to commission one of the court's neophyte legislacerators to conduct the investig8tion and 8ring me to justice.**

**Neophyte Redglare is reported to 8e quite talented. I find no reason to dou8t this. Still, how can I 8e caused any unrest to learn their recourse is to send a lone, inexperienced 8ureaucrat to apprehend me? **

**I cannot view this as anything other than full concession 8y the High8loods. They now only seek to maintain the appearance of pursuing me. May8e they find my exploits amusing? I couldn't possi8ly disagree. Those rare moments when my superiors show wisdom come perilously close to restoring my faith in the social order.**

**As for Redglare, it would surprise me if I ever heard her name again. If she finds me then I welcome her challenge. 8ut I am so confident she will play no relevant role in my future, I won't even 8other peering into my oracle to satisfy my curiosity.**

Terezi sat up and touched the marks on her neck gingerly. "Ow," she groaned.

Gamzee Makara smiled a sadistic smile, his face a mess of scratches. He dropped a bottle of Faygo on the floor, which rolled away. Facing him stood Eridan and Vriska, but they weren't the only ones there.

Kanaya appeared on the scene. Her skin glowed a bright white and there was a bloodied bandage around her waist where Eridan had shot her. She kicked Gamzee hard between the legs, causing to jump into the air in pain. The glasses and helmet flew high above them. The juggalo's Deuce Clubs clattered to the floor.

"Honk!" Gamzee yelled, and he went flying off the ledge they stood on, down into the bottomless pit of the lab.

Kanaya then turned and clocked Vriska in the face. The spider troll's glasses flew off and she skidded across the floor.

Finally, the crazed fashionista nabbed Eridan's white science wand and broke it in half above her head. She uncapped her lipstick and sawed the Prince of Hope in half with her chainsaw. The top of his torso landed beneath the bottom of his torso. He was very undeniably dead. And Kanaya was absolutely covered in his violet sea troll blood.

Equius's shades descended onto Kanaya's face and she turned her chainsaw back into a tube of lipstick. She smeared the green half across her mouth, getting Eridan's blood on her lips as well. She licked her lips and smiled.

Vriska, who was lying not too far away, was looking at Kanaya not with an expression of horror or fear, but rather of love.

Bec Noir stood amidst the carnage that he had just caused. An innocent family, two lovers, murdered. He placed the man's fedora on his head, ripping through it with his dog ears. It suited him perfectly. It was plain and serviceable. Yes, that looked so good. The only way the look could possibly be improved was if it was blacker. Or bloodier.

Bec decided to take a prize from the lady as well. This beautiful pink scarf would look quite dramatic as he soared through the air, scouring the surface of The Battlefield for new victims. It was finely crafted and the fabric was wonderfully soft. Jack's powerful nose detected perfume. The odor was pleasant. Wait, this pipe was great too. It made him look dignified and thoughtful. Yes, this would be his trophy as well.

Yes. YES! All of these glorious trophies were his! He indulged in a frivolous session of trophy binging. Lil' Cal, Bro's glasses, the pipe, the fedora, the scarf, and a half-eaten cake from the tea party. Yes! There was no possession so trivial that it would not make a splendid adornment to his intimidating visage. WAIT NO! THIS WAS IN FACT SO VERY, VERY STUPID!

This was no way for a killer of Bec's elite profile to dress. His rise to omnipotence had had a regrettable influence on his vanity it seemed. Had he forgotten his original grievance with frivolous attire that had gotten him here? That was it! NO MORE TROPHIES! HE WAS SWEARING OFF TROPHIES FOREVER! Probably.

Ok. He would keep one trophy. But only one. Jack could never stay mad at Cal. The puppet was a true friend. The only he had ever known.

God he was so bored.

It had used to be that when he was bored with paperwork, he would go distract himself by sharpening one of his favorite knives, or give his most disapproving scowl through a fenestrated wall to survey the kingdom. But those had been simpler times. There was only one cure for boredom befitting a demigod, and that was more senseless killing.

Noir consulted his proud long snout for assistance with the hunt. He picked up the maddening scent of one of the young graveyard stuffers. He was sure it was the same one he'd slaughtered earlier, and yet the boy's stench remained, confounding Jack from every direction. It was as if The Breeze which carried it deliberately sought to obfuscate the odor's origin. His thoughts became more murderous with each blustery taunt.

Bec was consumed by murderous thoughts and he prepared to embark on a killing spree to end all oh for fuck's sake he started to think about dog things again. _Why did bones have to be so delicious and enticing_?

He successfully suppressed all thoughts of delicious little wrapped wieners and infuriating things like mail and its agents of delivery. But in the process, he awakened his deepest and darkest feelings of all. Feelings of… loyalty? How utterly despicable. But no, that was not quite all there was. Could there also have been… love? It must have been. It was the only emotion that could possibly make him feel so utterly disgusted with himself. And that was surely why he hadn't been able to go through with killing… with killing…

He could not do it. He could not kill the girl.

Jack got the Draconian Dignitary on the line.

"What the hell you been up to, Jack?"

"Doesn't matter. I have a serious point of business to discuss with you."

"Remember to keep the destructive impulses to a minimum, boss. No more planet exploding or anything like that."

"Yeah, yeah."

"No point in securing power if there's nothing left to rule."

"I know. God! That's not the point."

Lousy stupid dignitary, all keeping Jack's murderous tendencies in check. He was the most terrible guy Bec almost kind of didn't despise completely.

DD attempted to humor the Sovereign Slayer's demands diplomatically. There was a narrow line to walk between obeying the orders of a clear superior and blindly facilitating a perfectly useless genocide. It took a very savvy breed of psychopath to pull it off.

The Slayer was yapping about some girl. Probably one of the young players who could no longer provide any serious threat to their rule. But Jack wanted DD to go kill her anyway.

"Why don't you go kill her yourself?"

"It's complicated."

"Well, I'm busy with things that actually matter. Like running this kingdom on your behalf and all. Levying taxes, oppressing consorts, all the unpleasant chores you would never dirty your snout with."

"This is more important than any of that stuff."

"Fine. Just send the droll after her."

There was a moment of radio silence. Then:

"You mean the Courtyard Droll? I want to be sure this is the same droll you're talking about."

"Yeah, what's the problem?"

"You mean the very same droll who couldn't manage the one simple task assigned to him? To steal the White Queen's ring from the very same adoring, wonderful girl and master and friend in question? Wait. I just mean girl. Just girl. You didn't hear any of that."

DD said nothing.

"Fine. You win. Sic the stupid droll on her, what do I care?"

DD contacted CD. The slayer had been right. This guy was clearly incompetent. Still, the only real objective here was to get Jack to stop breathing down his neck with his awful dog breath.

"I'm on The Battlefield," the droll said. "I'm looking for the queen's ring. I made a new friend to help me with my search, but it is terribly breezy on this planet, and my friend keeps blowing around and making the search more difficult. Thank goodness I'm not wearing one of my finer hats. It would be just dreadful trying to keep it on my head in such weather."

"I don't care about any of that. Now shut up."

CD walked away from the windy thing with some difficulty. It was too bad that this robot bunny was really light. The droll had to hold it tight to keep it from floating away.

The dignitary was one of CD's superiors who made him nervous. The list of superiors who made him nervous in fact included all of his superiors. It included many of his inferiors as well.

"Forget the ring!" DD yelled. "You failed your mission, and you are never going to find it. There is a new mission."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. And let go of the goddamn rabbit."

"Ok." CD didn't actually let go. "I'll be happy to begin the new mission very soon. But first there is this pretty blue tornado that I've been meaning to investigate. Perhaps other locals it had attracted would know something about the ring."

"Oh, for the love of god! Will you forget about the tornado and the ring already?"

CD said nothing but looked at the tornado longingly again.

"Fine, if you really must examine a meaningless and extraordinarily dangerous exhibit of meteorological phenomena, then go ahead. But be ready to embark on the mission not a moment later."

"Alright. What should I do to prepare?"

"Do you have a good winter hat?"

The droll almost dropped the radio in excitement.

Jack sat cross-legged and looked up at the clouds of Skaia. Now that those wheels were in motion, he guessed he could put his mind at ease for a while. He found nothing quite so troubling as the intrusion of a positive emotion.

He was momentarily afforded the peace of mind to resume a dull, quiet life of semi-restrained murder. Maybe he would wait here and see if the boy showed up. It was reasonable to assume he would seek these adults. Certainly easier to let the kid come to him than follow an untraceable scent. Or maybe he would take a look inside this castle. Perhaps there were survivors here fit for the offing? He _guessed_ that could serve some amusement.

He wondered if it would always be like this. What sort of future did a new god have to look forward to? Would this malaise follow him for eternity? Would he be perpetually tempted to destroy everything he saw, knowing that in just a few moments of recklessness, he would be left with nothing else to destroy forever? What would eternity feel like when a single moment of boredom felt like an eternity unto itself? Jack wished he could consult the clouds for answers. But they never showed him anything. The Reckoning couldn't wipe this place out soon enough.


	119. Book 8 Chapter 8: Another Dream Bubble

Chapter 8: One Big Mess of a Bubble

Sometime in his future, Bec Noir was trapped in a single moment, which increasingly felt like an eternity. His boredom was surpassed only by his all-consuming rage and contempt for existence itself.

Hours ago, he'd entered an unfamiliar session. He'd killed a thousand robotic assailants. He'd destroyed twelve planets with ease, methodically and cyclically, like a single stained hand of a defective clock smearing each number it passed. He'd reduced Prospit and Derse to dust, and murdered a whole bunch of alien kids in yellow and purple pajamas. His warpath of devastation had only begun to have been blazed; there were still miles and bloody miles to send forth. But when the dust of Derse had settled, this infuriating red fairy had appeared out of thin air and frozen him in time. But she couldn't keep him like this forever. And when she finally let him go, he would be ready.

Jack attempted to be patient, but failed miserably.

The one holding Bec captive was the Maid of Time, recently resurrected from the crypt of Derse. Her name was Aradia Megido, and for the first time in her life, she felt truly alive. She'd just incapacitated the dog with a spell. But a demon so powerful required her full concentration to subdue. He would break free any moment. She could release him, and die now. Or she could continue to hold him, and die later.

She decided to release him and he lunged for her, but his sword hit empty nothingness. Huh? Where had she gone?

Aradia had gone to the Green Sun. She was done with dying. Soon, friends would arrive. They would need her help.

And… there was one! Right over there! A blue bubble, floating in the very fabric of reality. Whose memory was this?

She peered inside. There were a bunch of Aradiabots, all dead but one. It seemed to be her own memory. At least, that was how it began. She entered the bubble and saw Jack luxuriating in green first guardian energy on the frog pad, the slashed door to the ultimate reward behind him and a thousand dead Aradiabots all around him.

Wait a minute. This was not specifically her memory. Aradiabot charged Jack and he tossed Cal at her. The puppet's arms tangled around the metal body and short circuited it. No, it wasn't this Aradia's memory. It was hers.

As God Tier Aradia watched, Aradiabot used her timetables to jump away from the scene. Everything disappeared, but the robot was suddenly hit with a meteor. The meteor fell to the ground of Alternia in the past with a loud crash. A young archaeologist packed up her tools and went over to the newly formed crater.

Aradia threw her whip and it snapped around a stalactite. She swooped down onto a frog statue in the recently-uncovered cave and looked down at the still-smoking crater. There was a scorched puppet inside, along with singed pieces of a robot that had clearly blown up upon impact.

Wait a second. There was something tucked under the puppet's shirt. It looked like… a money-holding device? She slid out a card and saw a computer with an image of someone strange on it. Like, who even was that douchebag? There was also a fedora in one of the cards. She placed the hat on her head. God Tier Aradia smiled as she remembered. She began to whisper in her past self's ear as the girl conversed with Sollux on the newly-discovered Crosbytop.

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]**

**AA: s0llux!**

**TA: hey what'2 up aa.**

**AA: y0u will never guess what i just f0und**

**TA: won't ii?**

**AA: i d0ubt it**

**TA: wa2 iit the matchiing ruiin2 2iite?**

**AA: um**

**AA: yes**

**AA: h0w did y0u kn0w!**

**TA: ii don't know, ju2t a weiird feeliing.**

**TA: ii feel liike we had thii2 conver2atiion before and that'2 what iit wa2 about.**

**AA: yeah**

**AA: me t00**

**AA: what d0 y0u think it means?**

**TA: probably nothiing. but now not only doe2 iit feel liike we had the conver2atiion before, but iit'2 goiing diifferently thii2 tiime.**

**TA: 2o iit'2 extra weiird. maybe your voiice2 are iinvolved?**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w maybe**

**AA: maybe y0urs are t00?**

**TA: ii don't hear a goddamn thiing.**

**TA: do you?**

**AA: wait**

**AA: yes**

**AA: shes very quiet th0ugh i cant tell what shes saying!**

**TA: oh well.**

**TA: why don't we pretend there ii2 no 2pooky paranormal phenomena goiing on ju2t once and talk about what you wanted two talk about.**

**AA: g00d idea**

**AA: 0k d0 y0u remember what we talked ab0ut regarding kanayas ruins?**

**TA: 2orta.**

**AA: i asked y0u f0r help in understanding the glyphs**

**TA: ii gue22.**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: are y0u just being difficult 0r d0 y0u really n0t remember**

**TA: ii gue22 ii don't fiind the whole my2tery of the ruiin2 a2 exciitiing a2 you, ok?**

**AA: well 0bvi0usly!**

**AA: but i really appreciate y0ur help anyway**

**TA: 2ure.**

**TA: how can ii help, then.**

**AA: well y0u said that y0ud need an0ther set 0f glyphs t0 make sense 0f them**

**AA: y0u speculated that there might be an0ther set 0f ruins**

**AA: y0u even guessed they w0uld be blue! it turns 0ut y0u were right**

**AA: d0nt y0u think that is pretty c00l?**

**TA: oh yeah, ii am awe2ome about that for 2ure.**

**TA: but,**

**TA: ii can't 2hake the feeliing the2e ruiin2 are goiing two be nothiing but trouble for u2.**

**AA: but y0u say that ab0ut everything!**

**TA: that'2 becau2e iit'2 fuckiing true about everythiing!**

**AA: n0 its n0t!**

**AA: i did find s0me 0ther neat things d0wn here t00 which are strange but quite harmless and n0t f0reb0ding in the least!**

**TA: liike what?**

**AA: like this AMAZING hat!**

**AA: it is an authentic arche0l0gists hat its s0 hard t0 find them in this style**

**AA: there are n0 h0rn h0les but i l0ve it anyway its great**

**TA: pretty 2weet aa.**

**TA: hey diidn't you al2o fiind 2ome biit2 and piiece2 of your biizarre robot doppelganger.**

**AA: i wasnt g0ing t0 tell y0u ab0ut that!**

**AA: damn it h0w did y0u kn0w**

**TA: ii don't know, ii ju2t "remembered" 2ome more 2hiit about thii2 dii2covery, god 2orry.**

**AA: this is stupid**

**TA: yeah, well, ii gue22 thii2 ii2 the kiind of 2hiit you have to deal wiith when two p2ychiic2 talk to each other about 2tuff.**

**AA: maybe**

**TA: why don't we piick thii2 up agaiin later when we're not feeliing 2o weiird?**

**AA: well**

**AA: 0k**

**apocalypseArisen [AA]** **began trolling ****twinArmageddons [TA]** **and ****apocalypseArisen [AA]**

**AA: ahem**

**AA: sorry to interrupt i wanted to give you both the chance to remember but it doesnt look like this is going anywhere!**

**TA: what the fuck?**

**AA: w0w what**

**AA: is it coming back yet **

**TA: is WHAT c0ming back, wh0 ARE y0u?**

**TA: wh0a h0ld 0n.**

**TA: why am i talking like y0u suddenly?**

**AA: this is a mem0ry**

**AA: in a dream bubble**

**AA: thats right! **

**TA: 0h.**

**TA: that d0esn't really answer my questi0n, but 0k.**

**AA: y0u changed y0ur v0ice because y0u remembered**

**AA: like i did**

**TA: remembered what?**

**AA: that i died**

**AA: this is my mem0ry and als0 hers**

**AA: but i went 0n t0 bec0me the r0b0t wh0se remains are in this crater**

**AA: whereas she did n0t**

**AA: i d0nt actually kn0w her st0ry 0r h0w she g0t here but f0r me this was the end 0f the r0ad**

**AA: this is the afterlife**

**TA: well, shit.**

**TA: s0 then i guess i'm dead t00?**

**AA: nope!**

Suddenly, three different bubbles began to merge. One was Sollux in his room, one was the two Aradias at the archaeology site, one God Tier and the other a robot, and the third was Jade in her room for some reason. Jade was wearing the Dead Shuffle dress.

**AA: you are just asleep**

**AA: you are also blind!**

**TA: h0ly shit, i can't see!**

**AA: yes thats what being blind means**

**TA: w0w, awes0me! way t0 be awes0mely sympathetic t00 my terrible new pr0blem, aa.**

**AA: sollux will you shut up and stop being so tragic for once**

**AA: you knew this was going to happen! your prophecies of personal doom were practically all you ever talked about**

**AA: i think you were looking forward to this honestly**

**AA: shes right**

**TA: i can't believe this, it's alm0st as if i'm getting...**

**TA: D0UBLE TEAMED.**

**TA: **

**TA: damn.**

**TA: that didn't feel right at all, i think i might have t0 retire the wh0le bifurcati0n gimmick, puns and all.**

**TA: actually that is kind 0f a relief, maybe y0u're right, i'm feeling better ab0ut this already.**

**AA: great!**

**AA: you should be able to relax now that youve been released from the curse of your vision twofold just like you said youd be**

**AA: you are now merely doomed!**

**TA: 0h.**

**TA: that's... awes0me?**

**AA: being d00med isnt that bad**

**AA: i spent m0st 0f my life that way remember**

**AA: at least y0u have the luxury 0f understanding**

**AA: and the best part ab0ut being d00med is y0u 0nly have t0 put up with it until y0u die**

**AA: thats the spirit hahaha**

**AA: actually i guess i dont have to keep talking like im doomed anymore do i**

**AA: nope :)**

**TA: this is s0 weird, what am i even listening t0 here.**

**TA: 0_0**

**TA: FUCK, i cann0t BELIEVE i just made that face.**

**AA: hahahahaha!**

**AA: hahahahaha!**

**TA: g0d dammit.**

**TA: 0h yeah, als0...**

**TA: why the fuck are my teeth missing?**

**AA: i**

**AA: dont know?**

**TA: 0k, well, great, glad we g0t t0 the fucking b0tt0m 0f that mystery.**

**TA: myssssssstery. mystery. mySSSSthSSSStery. mysterymysterymystery.**

**TA: man, i can't even lisp anym0re if i try.**

**TA: please d0n't laugh, i can tell y0u are b0th enj0ying this, i can smell it using my new blind guy n0se p0wers.**

**AA: really?**

**TA: n0 n0t literally, i was j0king. i mean n0t YET. maybe i'll ask tz ab0ut it when i wake up th0ugh.**

**TA: hey what was that n0ise?**

**AA: what noise?**

**TA: i think s0me0ne else is here.**

**AA: oh its jade!**

**TA: jade? wtf.**

**AA: whos jade**

**AA: shes one of the humans we met after you died**

**AA: ok**

**AA: i guess i am out of the loop on chronology for once**

**AA: thats fine youll catch up!**

**GG: ummmmmm hey guys i hope im not interrupting!**

**TA: well, yeah, y0u kind 0f were, s0rt 0f a reuni0n 0f cl0se departed friends g0ing 0n here, but n0 big deal i guess.**

**GG: oh no! **

**GG: i can leave **

**AA: no dont!**

**AA: sollux try to be polite**

**AA: there is no reason at all for you to feel hostile toward them anymore**

**AA: jade is very nice and she did nothing wrong**

**AA: none of them did so when you wake up maybe you should try to reconcile with them or at the very least just say hello**

**TA: did Y0U?**

**AA: did i what**

**TA: be nice t0 them 0r whatever bef0re y0u expl0ded.**

**AA: well no**

**AA: but i should have!**

**AA: i did with you before i left didnt i**

**TA: i guess s0.**

**GG: :o **

**AA: this is awkward**

**AA: shush you!**

**AA: what actually happened after i died it sounds complicated**

**AA: it is!**

**AA: ill get you up to speed i promise but guys come on lets not scare away our guest**

**AA: ok then ill shut up**

**AA: i think one aradia saying things is more than enough probably**

**TA: y0u can say that again heheheheheh.**

**TA: but i mean, d0n't say it again literally, because that's kind 0f the wh0le p0int, and w0uld c0mpletely c0ntradi...**

**AA: oh my god shut up!**

**GG: its ok! i can take another nap later when you guys arent busy... **

**AA: no jade its ok**

**AA: please stay! im curious about why you are here**

**GG: well... **

**GG: i have just been enjoying these little naps more and more lately! **

**GG: each time i go to sleep i meet more new people and learn so much **

**GG: but i still cant get karkat to take a nap, boy talk about a guy who is anti nap! **

**TA: ahahahah, yeah, what a d0uche!**

**GG: seeeeeriously! **

**GG: he is the douchiest of crabby crabs who ever douched a big douchey crab **

**TA: l0l.**

**GG: but yeah, its been fun, i should really thank feferi again for setting it up so we could meet like this! **

**TA: wait, ff is here?**

**GG: yup! **

**TA: 0h g0d, why didn't that 0ccur t0 me, where is she?**

**GG: ummm probably in another bubble **

**GG: but youll find her! maybe during your next nap... **

**TA: well shit, why can't i just g0 glub ar0und 0ut there in the ring and find her n0w?**

**TA: i mean, aside fr0m the fact that i'm blind and c0mpletely useless.**

**AA: navigating between bubbles is difficult here**

**AA: its better to drift between them naturally as they intersect**

**AA: not spatially but through common points in memory**

**AA: to navigate the furthest ring you need to have mastered the flow of time!**

**AA: that is why i am here**

**AA: i am alive again so i may assist the dead in this way**

**TA: huh.**

**AA: jade tell me**

**AA: have you seen me here before? i mean me dressed like i am now wearing my godhood**

**GG: yeah! **

**GG: you were really nice and helpful **

**TA: wait, what, y0u're wearing a g0dh00d?**

**TA: why didn't y0u tell me that, what gives? 0r that y0u came back t0 life?**

**AA: im wearing a hood and have butterfly wings what else would you like to know**

**TA: man, being blind is dumb, can i like gr0pe y0u 0r s0mething t0 get up t0 date 0n y0ur appearance, w0uld that be weird?**

**AA: yes sollux that would probably be pretty weird**

**GG: i think your outfit looks so cute! i love your wings too **

**AA: thank you your outfit is quite spiffy too**

**AA: i like that skirt a lot especially**

**AA: is**

**AA: is that a skirt?**

**GG: i am not sure :o **

**TA: /R0LLING MY EYES.**

**TA: is what i w0uld be d0ing if that were p0ssible.**

**AA: shhh!**

**TA: aa c0me 0n y0u were making a p0int.**

**AA: yes ok**

**AA: you see those encounters you had with me before have not happened for me yet because ive only just arrived**

**AA: time follows strange paths here as does space**

**AA: if you travel a great enough distance you may discover you are also traveling either backwards or forwards in time as well!**

**AA: just as if you stay in one place for too long the geometry of space surrounding you will become unreliable**

**AA: you may swat the air to your left and discover you have just slapped yourself!**

**AA: the only way to make sense of it is to understand either property very well**

**AA: and since i am new here i have some learning to do just like everyone else**

**AA: but i do know one thing**

**GG: what! **

**AA: i knew that the first bubble i would enter would be an important one for us to visit**

**TA: what's s0 imp0rtant ab0ut it?**

**AA: hang on**

**AA: we are moving on to a new memory hold that thought**

They arrived just outside Kanaya's hive.

**AA: it is important because it will help us begin to understand why we are all here**

**TA: what d0 y0u mean why we are all here?**

**TA: y0u mean in the afterlife? that's easy.**

**TA: because she's asleep, she's dead, y0u're alive, and i'm blind, c0uldn't be simpler.**

**AA: no no**

**AA: not why we are in this bubble now**

**AA: but why we all exist in the first place and why we all went on this adventure together**

**TA: 0h, that.**

**AA: there is much to understand and i believe it all begins with one sequence of events**

**AA: watching will help those whove passed to understand the purpose of their sacrifice and those still living to understand what must be done to complete the journey still ahead**

**AA: we will let the memories lead the way**

**AA: are you guys ready?**

**GG: i am ready!**

**AA: ok lets allow the next memory to take shape **

**AA: i believe it is kanayas **

**AA: i will reprise my role in a conversation i had with her shortly after i discovered the ruins **

**AA: everybody hide and try not to spoil it for her until she remembers!**


	120. Book 8 Chapter 9: The Code

Chapter 9: The Code

The three trolls and one human in the dream bubble entered Kanaya's block through the flow of memories and hid behind various objects.

**AA: hey kanaya**

**AA: there is s0mething i want t0 give y0u**

**GA: Oh Really**

**AA: yes its s0mething very 0dd i f0und when i disc0vered the ruins the 0ther night**

**AA: i d0nt kn0w what its arche0l0gical significance is yet but i suspect y0u will be able t0 repair it!**

**GA: This Is A Dream Isnt It**

**AA: 0_0**

**AA: w0w!**

**AA: uh i mean**

**AA: o_o**

**AA: wow**

**AA: you figured that out very fast!**

**GA: It Seemed Obvious**

**GA: Either Im Sleeping Or Im Dead Which Is It**

**AA: oh i am sure you are alive**

**AA: you are unconscious now and will likely wake up as your new self very soon**

**GA: My New Self**

**AA: yes**

**AA: you are undergoing a metamorphosis which you have been groomed for since you were very young**

**AA: much like i was for my various personal iterations including this one**

**GA: You Mean**

**GA: Being A Ghost And Then A Frog And Then A Robot And Then A Fairy**

**AA: yes!**

**AA: but it sure sounds silly when you list them all like that**

**GA: Kind Of**

**GA: What Do You Mean We Have Been Groomed**

**AA: wellllll**

**AA: that is what we are about to find out!**

**AA: if you will oblige us by continuing with this memory**

**GA: Okay**

**GA: What Do I Do**

**AA: why dont we go through this conversation again to the best of our recollection**

**AA: but i guess rather than acting it out we can just talk about it**

**AA: the old fashioned way**

**GA: Was What We Were Attempting Before Not Old Fashioned**

**AA: i have no idea**

**GA: It Seems To Me The Nature Of The Afterlife Is Probably Very Old Fashioned**

**GA: Maybe Even The Most Old Fashioned A Thing Can Get**

**AA: haha yeah you know what i mean though**

**GA: Yes Then**

**GA: This Was When You Were About To Give Me That Unusual Gift From The Ruins**

**AA: yes**

**AA: i then had sollux deliver the pieces to you so you could stitch it back up**

**AA: sollux that is your cue!**

**AA: come out and play the part**

**TA: s0 we d0n't have t0 hide anym0re?**

**AA: no of course not!**

**AA: obviously the jig is up everyone can come out now**

**GG: yay!**

**TA: s0 like,**

**TA: 0k s0 i'm supp0sed t0 act 0ut what i did bef0re, when i br0ught her these shitty d0ll parts, is that's what's g0ing 0n here?**

**GA: Yeah Im Still Not Sure Aradia Are We Supposed To Be Role Playing**

**AA: no guys come on this isnt that complicated!**

**AA: we are just revisiting the past just like we would if we were talking about it**

**AA: but it just so happens we can watch it happen as we talk about it**

**AA: and as a matter of fact**

**AA: this story does involve a role playing game but not in that way!**

**TA: thith ith kinb 0f thtupib.**

**AA: youre stupid and you sound stupid!**

**TA: h0py thith, i b0 th0unb thtupib.**

**TA: why the fuckth ith by b0uth fthull 0f all thethe theeth subbenly?**

**AA: i dont know o_o**

**AA: but you maaay be waking up soon**

**TA: 0h, 0k, greath, th0 i will mithth the retht 0f the c00l tht0ry, 0k.**

**AA: maybe not if we hurry this along!**

**GG: wait! before we do... **

**GG: hi kanaya! it is nice to meet you **

**GA: Hi Jade**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: What Is That Thing Youre Wearing**

**GG: you dont like it? **

**GA: No I Didnt Mean To Sound Disapproving**

**GA: But I Do Think More Colorful Apparel Suits You Better**

**GG: yes i know you told me! **

**GA: I Did**

**GG: yes but you probably havent yet **

**GG: not from your perspective... i could not help but overhear you are asleep now **

**GG: you told me all about what happened after you woke up! **

**GA: About What**

**GG: about how you turned into a vampire **

**GA: Whats A Vampire**

**TA: thith ith ribicul0uth.**

**AA: thollux is right**

**AA: i mean sollux**

**AA: kanaya tell us what happened next!**

Kanaya's face began to glow a bright white.

**GA: There Isnt Much To Say**

**GA: I Repaired The Doll And Made Him A Nice Outfit**

**GA: With A Far More Becoming Palette And Fit Than The Absurd Tatters He Was Found In**

**GA: I Thought At Least**

**AA: yes**

**GA: Uh**

**GA: Should There Be Anything Else To This Story**

**AA: not really!**

**GG: isnt that daves puppet?**

**AA: yes**

**GG: :\**

**TA: aw sthith, i guethth i'm 0utha here.**

**AA: bye sollux**

**TA: thee y0u lather eberyb0by.**

**GG: bye!**

**GA: Anyway That Is All I Can Remember**

**GA: I Quickly Began To Find The Doll Unnerving So I Put Him Away**

**GA: To My Knowledge He Has Remained Secure In My Block Ever Since**

**GA: Is He Relevant In Some Way**

**GG: guys why do you have daves puppet?**

**GG: what is going on here!**

**GA: Yes Aradia It Seems You Have Some Foreknowledge Of This Narrative Maybe You Can Tell Us Why Any Of This Is Important**

**AA: this is only a piece of the story**

**AA: the other pieces will fall into place with successive memories and it will all become clear**

**AA: but yes alright i will eliminate some suspense and try to serve as a better guide on this tour through the catacombs of our collective subconscious**

**AA: the separate tunnels we once traveled in the dark as individuals we now retrace together with a torch**

**AA: on the walls we illuminate the runes which describe a convoluted origin story**

**AA: an origin we participated in**

**AA: we were spurred to these actions by that which was being originated**

**AA: and incited to acts of revenge as we were turned against each other**

The two Aradias, Jade, and Kanaya, arrived at the base of a cliff that Tavros had just jumped off of. The ghostly bull troll stopped thrashing around upon seeing the four people standing above him.

**AT: i DON'T REMEMBER THIS,**

**AT: i MEAN,**

**AT: i REMEMBER GETTING JUMPED OFF THE CLIFF BY MY LEGS,**

**AT: bUT NOT THE THING i'M DOING NOW,**

**AA: no**

**AA: our manipulator disguised his tracks well**

**AT: dO i,**

**AT: hAVE TO LIE ON THE FLOOR LIKE THIS,**

**AT: iS THAT IMPORTANT,**

**AA: no tavros you can get up**

**AT: aLSO,**

**AT: cAN WE, oR AT LEAST i, bE NOT IN THIS MEMORY,**

**AT: bECAUSE,**

**AT: iT'S ONE THAT'S NOT AS GREAT AS MOST,**

**AA: we will leave it soon**

**AA: but you were doing something very important here**

**AT: wHAT WAS i DOING,**

**AA: writing a part of the code**

And then they were in Tavros's respiteblock. All over the walls were written the letters t, 1, c, and k.

**AA: an incomplete fragment consisting of four symbols**

**AA: comprising the first word of a binary refrain**

**AA: a pair of sounds emerging from the belly of a fabled tyrants menace**

**AA: but you authored only one sound of the pair**

**AA: i would write the other**

They arrived in Aradia's respiteblock. All over the walls were written the letters t, 0, c, and k.

**AA: in the soot of my ruined hive i scrawled my part of the code**

**AA: completing the phrase of legend**

**AA: the persisting sounds said to accompany the ultimate demise of the tyrant less an arm and an eye**

**AA: but even these eight characters**

**AA: the scrawlings of charge**

**AA: were still but half the code**

They were in Vriska's hive suddenly. All over the walls were written the letters 8, r, and k.

**AA: there was another half by scourge in two parts**

**AA: one part three symbols**

Vriska joined them and they moved to Terezi's hive. All over the walls were written the letters H, 3, 4, D, and S.

**AA: and the other**

**AA: five**

**AA: why the scale was tipped in this way between sisters**

**AA: i cannot say!**

**AA: each fragment would be transcribed in our rulebooks **

**AA: sealing the collaboration between rust bloods and blue bloods **

**AA: completing the code for our sessions architect **

**AA: not exactly**

**AA: there was another fragment **

**AA: oh?**

**AA: yes **

**AA: an additional eight symbols **

**AA: from a wild card source i suppose**

They arrived, along with Terezi, who had been in her hive, in Gamzee's hive. All over the walls were written the letters h, o, n, k, H, O, N, and K.

**AA: it came from a timeline not meant to happen**

**AA: the one i came from to ensure it wouldnt**

**AA: thus sealing my fate**

Terezi and Kanaya disappeared and Tavros, Vriska, Jade, and the two Aradias, moved to Karkat's block. Karkat and Terezi lay dead on the floor.

**AA: i believed the fragment was gibberish from a lunatic**

**AA: after completing his rampage through our session**

**AA: since it was not part of the scripted chronology i was oblivious until it was too late to stop it**

**AA: not that it would matter if i did the timeline had already gone astray**

**AA: i pieced together what had happened by sleuthing the various scenes**

On Karkat's dresser was his ~ATH manual. Aradiabot pointed to it.

**AA: and discovered the text which the code was recorded in**

**AA: i decided to return to the alpha timeline with the text**

**AA: as evidence for his madness i guess**

**AA: in the alpha timeline this text was destroyed**

**AA: in an explosion caused by a computer virus**

**AA: this explosion did not take place on my timeline**

**AA: i identified this event as the difference prompting the offshoot**

**AA: and returned to our planet via the reckoning just as i did at the end of my life**

**AA: though that time deliberately**

**AA: to influence events quietly to make sure it happened**

**AA: and later joined the rest of our doomed selves to help defeat the king**

**AA: the others surely had similar responsibilities along the way**

**AA: as for the book **

**AA: i lost track of it shortly after i arrived **

**AA: yes we all lost track of our books**

**AA: they were gathered surreptitiously by agents assigned to the task**

**AA: and in the veil their codes were merged with the ghost imprints of other mysterious artifacts**

**AA: our first guardian was brought to life on the seed to pass through skaias final gate of defense**

**AA: the first to find alternia**


	121. At the Price of Oblivion

Chapter 10: At the Price of Oblivion

The narrative attempted to shift to Doc Scratch's point of view. Once again, it failed spectacularly. You couldn't shift the narrative to him no matter how hard you tried. It was just impossible.

**[****In fact, I think it would be for the best if I commandeered the narrative completely for a while. I trust you won't mind if I speak in white. It's not actually negotiable, but as a courtesy I will enclose my words between a pair of visually audible brackets. I am doing this because I can.****]**

**[****I am also doing it because I am expecting a guest to arrive shortly. This should enable me to show the man the sort of hospitality he deserves, while doing the same for you.****]**

**[****My apartment doesn't have a doorbell. Why would an omniscient fellow need to be alerted to the presence of a visitor? I know he will be right on time. Which is to say, early. And if I did have a doorbell, you would have just witnessed it ring. He is already here.****]**

**[****My door is not fitted with a peephole either. Those without eyes or without limits to their knowledge have no need for peeping, and I am without either. I have never once peeped at or through something, and I doubt I ever will. Apertures built into physical surfaces to reveal what's hidden behind them are for those with particular handicaps. They are for those lacking advanced vision to render the opaque permeable to light, or those lacking advanced knowledge to render the concealed information irrelevant, or both. They are for people who I call suckers.****]**

**[****I know the identity of anyone who stands behind this door, even in those cases where I have not extended an invitation to the visitor personally. Pardon me while I let Jack inside.****]**

**[****Did you not believe it would be Jack? Who else would it be? Someone who would have suspected anyone else is a person I would also describe as a sucker. Haa haa. Hee hee. Hoo hoo. Hello, Slick. Won't you please ent...****]**

Jack clocked Doc Scratch in the face with his horsehead cane.

**[****Oh for heaven's sake.****]**

Jack knocked Scratch to the ground and continued to bonk him on the head.

**[****Jack. Stop it. Jack. Slick? Which would you prefer I call you? It's one of the strange points of uncertainty which surrounds you. Maybe it is that you don't particularly care. Your flair is for the plain and serviceable, isn't it? Not much of your vanity is tied up in a name, I'd guess.****]**

**[****Not going to tell me? Fine, I won't tell you my name either.****]**

**[****Well, I might. If you would just show some manners and stop hitting me with that ridiculous horse hitcher. I won't crack no matter how senseless the drubbing. If only it were that simple.****]**

**[****You're n ot going to stop, are you. It will be very difficult to discuss our points of mutual interest like this. I was prepared to go about it in a civilized way, even though I knew very well I would spend the first several minutes of our meeting sitting on the floor while being flogged. I have even prepared a bowl of candy for you, which I know you will enjoy. Courtesy is important, Jack.****]**

**[****Do you have anything at all to say? Any form of communication you care to attempt beyond the sound iron makes against my head repeatedly?****]**

**[****No, of course not.****]**

Quick as a flash of lightning, Doc Scratch grabbed the cane and began to bend it calmly as he spoke.

**[****What's that? I see. You think you already know my name. You do not know my real name, Jack, just as none of your adversaries on this planet know yours. You only know my nickname. It's a good nickname too. Befitting of the passive gunslinger charged with initiating the break. I am my master's weapon. His soldier in a war of one bullet fired. But when that bullet clears the barrel, it won't be my finger on the trigger. I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.****]**

Doc Scratch handed the cane back to SS. It was now twisted like a pretzel.

**[****Here.****]**

**[****Jack, why don't you go help yourself to some candy over there on the table? There is something I need to take care of before we continue. I won't be long.****]**

Jack looked down at the bowl of candy. It was full of licorice scottie dogs. He began to stuck his pockets full of the candy.

**[****Yes, good. Placate yourself with the scottie dogs, Slick. My supply is bottomless. I am an excellent host.****]**

**[****When I am finished with this minor interruption, we will resume our gentlemanly negotiation. I will proceed to beat you severely until you agree to do what I ask. I trust you won't take it personally.****]**

**[****Now please excuse me. I have to talk to a teenage girl from another universe.****]**

The narrative attempted to shift to a teenage girl from another universe, but could not, because it was busy shifting to a teenage girl from this universe. It was busy shifting to Rose Lalonde. Completely preoccupied with it, in fact.

So preoccupied, she'd been neglecting messages from some of her friends who were trying to contact her. But she had a lot of important stuff to do. She'd get back to them later.

**TT: It's quite warm here on Lohac.**

**TT: I think I've been patient enough.**

**TT: When will I receive further instruction?**

**Now.**

**TT: So,**

**TT: I could have contacted you at any time?**

**No.**

**Only now.**

**TT: I came away with the impression from our last conversation that our next would take place on your invitation.**

**TT: I was being polite by waiting.**

**Your inevitable impatience caused you to contact me again.**

**Inevitability is my invitation.**

**TT: That's pretty smug.**

**I am right to be smug. I am omniscient, extremely powerful, and very charming.**

**TT: Well,**

**TT: Two out of three isn't bad.**

**TT: Can you use your limitless intelligence to figure out which ones I mean?**

**That was clever.**

**If I plead ignorance to the fact that you are denying my charisma, it invalidates my claim of omniscience.**

**But if I must adhere to my all knowing status, it forces me to validate the unfortunate reality that you are feigning the opinion that my demeanor is unpalatable.**

**Not that it matters, because I have all three qualities and you know it.**

**TT: This is stupid.**

**TT: Could we get to the point?**

**Yes, I was about to say.**

**We should hurry this along. My visitor is beginning to set things on fire.**

**TT: You have a visitor?**

**TT: Who?**

**Some guy.**

**I was joking anyway. I am not in a hurry at all.**

**TT: You tell jokes?**

**Yes.**

**Haa haa.**

**TT: So, your visitor isn't setting anything on fire then?**

**Oh, he most definitely is.**

**Hee hee.**

**TT: I'm really not getting this joke.**

**I was joking about being in a hurry.**

**From my perspective, this conversation is taking place in less than one second.**

**I type very quickly.**

**Hoo hoo.**

**TT: I thought you didn't lie.**

**TT: Aren't jokes essentially humorous lies?**

**TT: At least, those like the one you just attempted.**

**Jokes are only temporary lies.**

**If the falsehood is never exposed, there is no punchline. If the punchline is never delivered, the lie is sealed forever, regardless of initial humorous intent. Lies are not funny.**

**TT: I think if you're going to risk tarnishing your record of honesty, you should probably get better material.**

**My joke was objectively funny. Who would know better than I?**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: So you're saying an inaccurate statement doesn't count as a lie, as long as you say "just kidding" later?**

**Basically.**

**TT: What if it's much later? Is it still "just a joke?"**

**No, that would be something closer to a prank.**

**I don't play pranks very often.**

**TT: Are you allowed to lie about playing pranks? If I asked you if you were playing a prank on me, would you tell the truth?**

**I am allowed to do whatever I want. I choose never to lie. I also choose to tell jokes now and then, and to play pranks quite sparingly.**

**But I can say that I have never played a prank on you, and no statement I have made to you thus far, or will make in this conversation, will contain any trace of falsehood for the sake of setting up a joke or a prank, with the exception of the joke I just made, and another one I will make very soon.**

**TT: I'm starting to change my mind.**

**Oh?**

**TT: Yes. I think your joke was funny in retrospect. Actually, your whole shtick is pretty good. I'm warming up to it.**

**Yes. I knew it.**

**TT: Just to be clear,**

**TT: Was the assurance you just made a prank or a joke?**

**It was neither. It was the truth.**

**TT: Was that?**

**Yes.**

**TT: The truth?**

**Yes.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Were you serious about wanting to die?**

**Yes.**

**TT: Why?**

**I'll tell you later.**

**TT: Why?**

**Because you asked.**

**TT: But why not now?**

**Because that piece of information would not fit elegantly into the sequence of our exchange at this moment.**

**TT: Then you know how this entire conversation will go?**

**Yes.**

**TT: Is that true of all conversations you have?**

**Yes. Until, briefly, I don't. But the dark spots never last long. The truth disguises itself to me sometimes which can be mildly frustrating, but it usually reveals itself quickly, much as if a punchline was delivered. It's a humorous dialogue I have with reality, and it is very amusing.**

**TT: Then why do you bother with the conversations? Obligation to predestination, as usual?**

**There is no obligation.**

**It's a pleasure.**

**TT: It is?**

**I've always had a soft spot for young ladies.**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: That's a little creepy.**

**No it's not.**

**TT: Yes it is.**

**No it's not.**

**TT: It kind of is.**

**I have looked into the future and determined that we would continue in this manner pointlessly for some time, so I am putting an end to it here.**

**TT: That doesn't make sense.**

**TT: Was that the other joke?**

**Yes.**

**TT: Heh. Good one.**

**Thank you.**

**TT: How young are the ladies you typically take a shining to?**

**TT: And does this mean you are attracted to me?**

**TT: Suddenly this conversation is kind of terrible.**

**Of course I am not. Not in the way you mean.**

**And anyway, you are applying standards of conduct frowned upon for your kind which make no sense to apply to me.**

**I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.**

**TT: ...**

**TT: Really.**

**Also, if you were millions of years old, you would find that nearly every lady you encounter is quite young, relatively speaking.**

**There should be no reason for you to feel uncomfortable with this interaction. Try to think of me as one of your kindly human uncle figures.**

**In fact, if I were in your presence now, I would offer you candy to prove it.**

**TT: Oh my god.**

**What?**

**TT: Can we talk about the scratch instead of this?**

**Yes.**

**You are situated near the game construct supplied by your session for causing the Scratch, yes? **

**TT: Are you actually asking?**

**No. **

**That was a fact, and then a question mark. **

**TT: Ah.**

**TT: Well, yes, I am.**

**TT: It's a large plateau shaped like a record. It's called the Beat Mesa.**

**I know. **

**TT: Is the game construct different in other sessions?**

**Yes. **

**It will always be an edifice of similarly cryptic design, located on the planet that is home to the Hero of Time. **

**Its environment dictates the nature of its construction. Its power is dangerous, and is meant to be utilized only in emergencies such as yours. **

**TT: You mean, in sessions where victory is no longer possible?**

**Yes. **

**TT: Due to creating an unstoppable adversary? Who triggers the reckoning prematurely?**

**TT: Is that sort of emergency common?**

**No. **

**Failure is common. But the composition of yours is quite atypical.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Then, it's like a panic button for the players to push once they realize the cause is lost.**

**Yes, but causing the Scratch is not an easy task either. **

**The construct must be destroyed in a very specific way to release its energy. **

**The keeper of my ectobiological father began the process. **

**It must be finished. **

**TT: Who?**

**The guardian of the Knight of Time. **

**TT: Dave's bro?**

**Yes. **

**TT: How do I finish it?**

**You don't. **

**Not you personally. Another will. You have something more important to attend to, remember? **

**TT: Oh, right.**

**TT: The Green Sun.**

**Yes. **

**TT: I'd planned to take care of that later, once John had retrieved the Tumor.**

**Tumor. **

**TT: Whatever.**

**Your plan will have to change. **

**You aren't ready to cause the Scratch yet. **

**Like I said, it's difficult. **

**TT: What will the one who does it have to do? I should let them know.**

**He will have to scratch the surface of the plateau across its full diameter. **

**TT: I see.**

**TT: This terminology can be very literal sometimes.**

**You will require a certain needle to create a breach in the surface that will be adequate. **

**TT: I have needles.**

**Your needles won't suffice. **

**TT: Then where do I get ones that will?**

**Again, you won't. This task is out of your hands. **

**The needles must be acquired from the denizen of the Witch of Space. **

**Her quills are very large and potent. They will be able to cause the Scratch. **

**TT: This really seems more elaborate than you lead me to believe.**

**I didn't lead you to believe anything. **

**I told you to find the construct and await advisement on the Scratch. The plans you were making were based on assumptions and fabrications of your imagination. You were writing more stories, much like those about your false magical men. **

**TT: I wish what I'd written in my private journals could be confined to your dark spots.**

**I don't. I find your stories entertaining. **

**TT: You're being creepy again.**

**No I'm not. **

**Besides, the White King agrees with me. **

**TT: What?**

**For a Seer, your vision of events surrounding you is rather limited. It's charming. **

**TT: Just,**

**TT: Please stop complimenting me.**

**No.**

**TT: Fine.**

**TT: Then please at least try to sound more sarcastic when you do it.**

**Oh sure, I am really going to do that. Yes, very likely. **

**TT: ...**

**TT: Then the Scratch will be implemented later, by either John or Dave I presume?**

**TT: You used a male pronoun.**

**Yes. **

**TT: I guess it makes sense that it would happen later. My understanding is that Jack will not be banished from this session until near the end of the reckoning.**

**Yes, Jack will exit your session later, but this has nothing to do with the Scratch. **

**Not directly, as you imply. **

**TT: I don't understand.**

**TT: I thought that was the point of the Scratch, to open a rift in spacetime as it were, and banish him into the trolls' session.**

**No. **

**That is not the purpose of the Scratch at all. The Scratch does not open a rift in spacetime. **

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: Then why have you directed me to cause it?**

**TT: Does it have something to do with enabling you to die?**

**No. Not directly. **

**The Scratch has nothing more to do with my death than any other single event ultimately contributing to my demise. **

**TT: I think it's disingenuous for you to behave as if I have not been misled.**

**TT: You say you don't lie, but what about lies of omission?**

**Lies of omission do not exist. **

**The concept is a very human one. It is the product of your story writing again. You have written a story about the truth, making emotional demands of it, and in particular, of those in possession of it. **

**Your demands are based on a feeling of entitlement to the facts, which is very childish. You can never know all of the facts. Only I can. **

**And since it's impossible for me to reveal all facts to you, it is my discretion alone that decides which facts will be revealed in the finite time we have. **

**If I do not volunteer information you deem critical to your fate, it possibly means that I am a scoundrel, but it does not mean that I am a liar. And it certainly means you did not ask the right questions. **

**One can make either true statements or false statements about reality. All of the statements I make are true. **

**TT: Unless you're joking.**

**Yes. **

**TT: Haa haa, hee hee, hoo hoo?**

**Exactly. **

**TT: Then I guess I'll start asking better questions.**

**Good. **

**I will make a Seer of you yet. **

**TT: Will you?**

**Yes. **

**You can start by shoring up the reliability of your sources. You proceeded to question me believing you understood the purpose of the Scratch. You received your information about it from trolls. I assure you that in most ways, the trolls are as confused about everything as you are. **

**TT: Ok. Noted.**

**TT: What exactly does the Scratch do, then?**

**It resets the game. **

**TT: Oh.**

**TT: That's it?**

**Yes. **

**TT: Then,**

**TT: We all start from the beginning again? When John entered?**

**No. **

**The release of temporal energy will be quite massive. **

**This is a hard reset. It will reboot the conditions in your universe well before you began playing the game. **

**You will have lived different lives after the reset. The different initial conditions will ideally lead to a more favorable scenario in the new session. **

**Unfortunately, you will have no memory of anything that has happened in the session you are in now. **

**TT: What will happen to us? Everyone in this session now?**

**You will all cease to exist completely if you remain here during the Scratch. **

**TT: This seems familiar.**

**TT: It reminds me of when Dave and I were trapped in the doomed timeline, and he left to change the past.**

**TT: The timeline ceased to exist, along with my dream self, who in a way became merged with my dream self of this timeline. I kept some of her memories.**

**TT: Is the situation similar?**

**Similar, but more severe. **

**Since this timeline will undergo such a violent upheaval, such a merger of memory cannot happen. **

**You will be resigned to absolute oblivion. **

**Unless you can discover a way to preserve yourselves. **

**But it's not really my place to advise you on that. **

**After you have dealt with the Scratch and the sun, what happens to you is not any of my business.**

**TT: Then can you at least tell me if we will be successful in preserving ourselves after the reset?**

**I don't particularly enjoy spoiling things for people when unnecessary. **

**I find speaking in a discreet color helps avoid this. **

**TT: So if the Scratch isn't specifically meant to banish Jack from the session,**

**TT: And our quest to destroy the sun is meant to kill him,**

**TT: Why is the reset necessary at all, especially if it means oblivion for us?**

**Because you cannot achieve the ultimate reward in this session. **

**Your battlefield is cancerous, and the reckoning will destroy it prematurely regardless. **

**By resetting, you will create a session which can bear the fruit of a new universe, even if you will not be the ones to claim the reward. **

**Don't you want to fulfill your purpose? **

**TT: I guess.**

**TT: But it's a little disheartening to learn I'm now faced with not one, but two suicide missions at once.**

**TT: One to destroy Jack's power source and defend all of existence, and another to ensure our cosmic progeny at the price of oblivion.**

**That frames the dual objectives accurately. **

**But if you are inventive, you may find a way to survive the reset and participate in the renewed session. **

**It's up to you. **

**Just as it's up to you to face the decision to claim immortality before you enter your creation. **

**TT: Immortality?**

**Yes. **

**TT: Do you mean ascending to the god tier?**

**Yes. **

**TT: I have reason to believe that I won't.**

**TT: The trolls have not indicated I will die on my Quest Bed, or that any of us will aside from John. Instead I've been given a more troubling and ambiguous forecast.**

**What have I said about confirming the reliability of your sources?**

**TT: Are you saying I will?**

**No. **

**TT: Oh.**

**TT: Well, will I?**

**It seems you'd like me to do some more fortune telling. **

**TT: Fine.**

**TT: Maybe this question will suit you better.**

**TT: Is it probable?**

**That's a strange question to ask someone who is omniscient and therefore knows outcomes with one hundred percent certainty. **

**I like it. **

**TT: Then what's your answer?**

**You have exactly a fifty percent chance of ascending to the god tier. **

**TT: That's a strange answer.**

**I know. **

**TT: Why such a precise probability?**

**Because, much like the decisions you must face to complete your dual suicide missions, you have two ways of achieving godhood to choose from. **

**TT: Two ways?**

**TT: By dying on the Quest Bed on my planet, and some other way?**

**Yes. **

**TT: Is there another Quest Bed somewhere?**

**Yes. Good guess, Seer. **

**TT: Where?**

**What difference does it make? You already know where the first one is. You have the choice to go there right now and take your own life. **

**TT: That's true.**

**Of course it is. **

**TT: You mentioned immortality.**

**TT: Godhood makes one immortal?**

**Yes. **

**TT: A god tier will live forever, with no caveats?**

**No. **

**One will live forever, unless killed. **

**The death must be either heroic or just. **

**TT: How are those terms defined?**

**Broadly, mysteriously, and according to the case of the individual. **

**One may be killed by opposing a corrupt adversary and die for a just cause, as through martyrdom, for instance. This would be heroic. **

**Or one may be subject to corruption, and slain by a hero. This would be just. **

**TT: Which sort of death will you have when I destroy the sun?**

**Neither. I'm not a god. **

**I'm a guardian, a servant, and a weapon. **

**I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god. **

**But I am not one. **

**TT: Is this when you are going to tell me why you want to die?**

**Yes. **

**TT: I sense it's not just because you're getting bored with immortality.**

**That's good. Your vision is becoming clearer. **

**TT: Then why?**

**My master can't enter this universe until I am killed. **

**Such is the nature of the break. **

**TT: That almost sounds like martyrdom. Are you sure it won't be a hero's death?**

**Quite sure. **

**My master is a very evil man. **

**TT: Who is he?**

**I won't tell you his name. **

**But he goes by the title, ****Lord English****.**


	122. Book 8 Chapter 11: Grimdark

Chapter 11: Grimdark

**TT: This doesn't sound like an especially admirable objective. Releasing an evil man, who is presumably more powerful than you, an already omnipotent being.**

**TT: Am I right?**

**You are right about both. It is not admirable, and he is considerably more powerful.**

**But you must decide which objective is more important.**

**You may decide to attempt to destroy the sun and end my life. This will neutralize Jack, who is also much more powerful and dangerous than myself by virtue of the ring he wears in addition to drawing energy from the same sun as I. He poses a significant threat to reality.**

**TT: But in the process of killing him and you, I release your master, who is just as deadly?**

**He's more deadly.**

**But the danger he poses is sanctioned by paradox space.**

**It is a known quantity. His very existence in a universe will mean it will inevitably be torn apart.**

**But there are rules to his entry, and his grim procession through paradox space is rather orderly. The present equilibrium has accounted for him, and will continue to.**

**Jack however is a loose cannon. He will not stop until he destroys everything he encounters.**

**Additionally, his existence is your responsibility.**

**TT: Then I guess I don't have a choice.**

**You do.**

**But also know this.**

**Refusing to venture out to destroy the sun in no way spares anyone from my master regardless.**

**It is certainly true that destroying it will end my life.**

**And it is certainly true that ****The Tumor** **you will deliver to its location has enough power to destroy it completely.**

**But it is not the only way to kill me.**

**It is simply a way I have suggested to you, which doubles as a way to disarm Jack, should you choose to go through with it.**

**Instances of myself have spawned in countless universes, and my objective is always the same.**

**I have never once failed to complete this objective, and I never will.**

**There is nothing noble about taking a course of action you believe would prevent his arrival, because that is impossible.**

**He will come.**

**In fact, he is already here.**

**TT: Are you saying that I will succeed in the mission to destroy the sun?**

**Are you asking for another palm reading?**

**TT: ...**

**You seem rather keen on acquiring a fortune from me considering you are the one with the crystal ball.**

**TT: I'm just trying to ask as many questions as I can. It's the only way to find the dark spots in your obstinacy.**

**I've been very helpful. And I will continue to be.**

**I myself do not care to be an oracle. But I can graciously supply you with one.**

**TT: Can you?**

**An eager consort has brought you one of my seeds. It appears you have amassed followers who wish to please you. How fortuitous.**

**TT: Your seeds?**

**The white orb.**

**TT: Oh. The cue ball. How did I not notice this?**

**It will accurately answer any question a curious girl can pose.**

**Provided she can see through the surface to read its reply.**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TT: Is that possible?**

**Is it, Seer?**

**Given your title and all the tools of prognostication at your disposal, it seems to me I should be the one asking you the questions.**

**TT: How can I see through it?**

**It seems you weren't listening, so I will state this again in the form of a question. **

**Don't you think I should be asking the questions from now on? **

**TT: Yes, if you wanted to be disingenuous and irritating.**

**Don't you think a clever person should be able to acquire information from someone who only asks questions? **

**TT: Then it's a challenge!**

**TT: I pass.**

**Do you have a choice? What if I'm feeling a bit stubborn? **

**TT: Ok, so what you mean is I should continue humoring your leading questions until you happen to ask certain rhetorical questions that contain information I need.**

**Was that a question? **

**TT: That was a fact, and then a period.**

**How does a Seer see? **

**TT: ...**

**TT: With a crystal ball?**

**TT: I already considered that. I don't think I can get the focus of the ball to "zoom in" tight enough on the cue ball's enclosure to read the answers.**

**How else does she see? **

**TT: By other magical means, I guess.**

**TT: Should I use magic?**

**Do you believe in magic? **

**TT: Magic is real.**

**TT: I've been using it.**

**Are you sure? **

**TT: Use whatever word you want to describe it. I have magic wands, they are very powerful, and they allow me to be magic. Your questions are silly.**

**What makes you convinced the wands are responsible for your abilities? **

**TT: Because I did not have the abilities before I made them.**

**Could this be circumstantial? **

**TT: Could it?**

**Is there an echo? **

**TT: Is there an echo?**

**Hee hee? **

**TT: I don't know what you're getting at.**

**TT: How about another leading question?**

**What did you combine to make those wands? **

**TT: Some stuff.**

**Knitting needles? **

**An inexpensive figurine of some fictional fellow with long whiskers? **

**A simple textbook on the zoologically dubious? **

**Why would this mundane combination of objects grant a child such an alarming mastery over dark forces all at once? **

**TT: I'm guessing this is one of the rhetorical questions meant to be informative.**

**TT: So then, my answer should affirm how ridiculous that sounds, shouldn't it?**

**Maybe? **

**TT: That wasn't even a question.**

**Yes it was? **

**TT: Ok. Magic is fake, the wands are useless toys, and there is something else going on. Next question?**

**Would it be so difficult to believe the power you've found to devastate your planet and create shortcuts through your session is not entirely by your own device? **

**Would it be so difficult to believe a young lady could be unwittingly apprenticed by more powerful entities who meant her potential to be realized later through some arbitrary trigger? **

**What would you say if I said a dutiful girl raised in the daylight was protected by a bulb-headed guardian, and learned to glow in the dark after death? **

**What would you say if I said a vengeful boy on a path of nihilism was taken under the wings of fearsome angels, and learned to destroy hope with their light? **

**What would you say if I said a reserved girl enamored by what dwelt in shadow was selected by the horrorterrors for service, and did their bidding at every step while convinced of her own autonomy? **

**TT: What would I say to those short fables?**

**TT: Not much, except I gather the third is a story about me, and that there's a lesson you'd like me to take from it.**

**TT: That I should renounce my "allegiance" before my grimdark corruption is absolute.**

**TT: And while I'm at it, I should discard these useless wands, because apparently the power was in my little black heart all along. Is that right?**

**Won't you have to give up your specibus to the one who causes the Scratch regardless? **

**How else will the young man wield that great big needle? **

**TT: I don't know! If you say so.**

**Haven't your friends already shown concern for your recklessness and your increasing sense of detachment from the party, the team objectives, and not to mention those of your personal quest? **

**Does this worry you? Is there a part of you left that's able to worry? **

**TT: Yes. It has been mysteriously localized to my middle finger. Could the dark magics be at work AGAIN?!**

**Do you deny that you have been neglecting incoming messages from your teammates? Would that be in keeping with the spirit of the human emotion of friendship for one whose soul was not so befouled by the designs of unknowable monstrosities? **

**TT: Friendship isn't an emotion, numbnuts.**

**Isn't it, Rose? **

**Isn't it? **

**TT: I've been busy. I'll get back to them.**

**TT: And can we please stop doing the patronizing question thing?**

**TT: In exchange I promise I will discontinue my patronizing responses.**

**Can the omniscient be patronized? **

**TT: The omniscipotent can do whatever they please. I guess I'm just asking you nicely to do me this favor.**

**Very well. I will stop smothering you with surprise noodles. **

**TT: Huh?**

**But only because I find you to be adorable. **

**TT: So creepy.**

**So cute. **

**TT: Yuck.**

**I am going to ask the same question I asked earlier. **

**Please do not regard it as a violation of my pledge. It is just an ordinary question, like those that crop up in an ordinary conversation. **

**TT: Ok.**

**How does a Seer see? **

**TT: I don't know.**

**Be literal. **

**TT: With her eyes?**

**Take the orb. **

**Ask it a question. **

**TT: I don't know what to ask anymore.**

**TT: I'm confused.**

**What would you ask me? **

**TT: I would ask what should I do next.**

**Then ask. **

**TT: What should I do next?**

**Not me. **

**The ball, dunkass.**

"What should I do next?" Rose asked the orb.

"Answer Jade," it responded.

**TT: Sorry for the delayed response.**

**TT: Answering seems to be what to do right now.**

**GG: rose jeez!**

**GG: finally**

**GG: you sure seem to be absorbed in whatever youre doing on that computer...**

**GG: were you talking to someone?**

**TT: Oh, right. I forgot I gave you the code for the crystal ball.**

**TT: And here I was thinking I could safely delay responding to messages without seeming like an ass, the way it usually works.**

**TT: Oops.**

**GG: oh no no i dont blame you for not responding!**

**GG: you must be very upset**

**GG: are you ok?**

**TT: Why would I be upset?**

**GG: um**

**GG: because**

**GG: uhhh i figured you would have found out by now but i guess you still dont know?**

**TT: Know what?**

**GG: about...**

**GG: johns dad**

**GG: and...**

**GG: your mom :(**

**GG: rose?**

**GG: hello?**

**GG: oh noo :'(**

Rose looked in her dark magic orb and saw Bec Noir sitting cross-legged on the floor next to her Mom's dead body.

**GG: rose please say something**

**GG: you are making me nervous...**

**TT: I should have gone looking for her.**

**TT: Why didn't I?**

**GG: umm**

**GG: because you were busy trying to make the best of this situation?**

**TT: John was too. But he went to look for his father.**

**TT: It would have been normal of me. I can't remember what I was trying to prove anymore.**

**GG: i dont think you should be so hard on yourself about it**

**GG: john was being john, and you were being you, which i guess meant taking our problems very seriously and putting all your attention on solving them!**

**GG: and anyway, you and your mom had a much trickier relationship than john and his dad didnt you?**

**GG: i mean, not that i am saying that means you were any less attached to her than him...**

**GG: argh, i dont know if im very good at consoling people. sorry rose i dont want to make you feel worse :(**

**TT: You're doing fine.**

**TT: For someone raised by a dog.**

**TT: Or really,**

**TT: Anyone.**

**TT: Thanks.**

**GG: whew, ok**

**GG: you know...**

**GG: now we have all lost guardians**

**GG: dave lost his, and i lost mine in a weird way... uuum even though that was pretty much definitely my fault :\**

**GG: and even the trolls all lost their monster guardians**

**GG: i think that maybe it is an inevitable part of a game that can be cruel sometimes**

**TT: For some reason, despite all the danger, I never thought she was in any trouble.**

**TT: I never believed she would actually die.**

**TT: I grew up with the feeling that something more significant had always been meant for her.**

**TT: That she was a heroine displaced in some way, resigned to the inglorious duty of raising me, and preparing me in her way.**

**TT: I didn't actually need the ectobiological verification that she was like a mother and a sister at the same time. I always understood that somehow.**

**TT: And I felt she had knowledge and ability beyond what she let on. It was always intimidating, but nonetheless a source of respect which was childishly begrudging on my part.**

**TT: I think she was just waiting for me to catch up with her.**

**TT: But now I can't.**

**GG: ...**

**GG: i am so sad**

**GG: rose i think you are being stronger about it than i am**

**TT: Probably because my emotions have now ceded to anger.**

**TT: This shouldn't have happened.**

**GG: oh**

**GG: well**

**GG: i just hope you arent thinking of doing something rash**

**TT: I already was.**

**TT: I was going to go to sleep, fly to a sun bigger than our universe, drop a bomb in it, and kill myself.**

**GG: yeaaah...**

**TT: So if my course of action is to change on account of my mood, it can only become less impetuous, don't you think?**

**GG: errrr, i dont know?**

**TT: You never liked my plan very much anyway.**

**GG: wellllll**

**GG: no!**

**GG: but i was trusting that you had thought it through and it was our best hope**

**TT: I'm not sure if I did.**

**TT: Maybe it was a terrible plan.**

**TT: I made it without a full understanding of the nature of the Scratch.**

**GG: hm**

**GG: then what will you do?**

**TT: I could stop being so cowardly, for once.**

**TT: I could short circuit this endlessly expanding game of chess we're playing, just like Jack decided to do.**

**GG: what does that mean!**

**TT: Maybe I will go kill Jack myself.**

**TT: Right now.**

**GG: oh no no no no no!**

**GG: rose that is a much much worse plan!**

**GG: he would probably kill you!**

**TT: Probably.**

**TT: But the Scratch will wipe us out anyway, and reboot the conditions of our session.**

**TT: I suddenly don't feel much like sneaking through the back door of the Furthest Ring for retribution by distant super nova.**

**GG: i know what you mean, i was angry at jack and wanted to stop him too, but we have to think of a more sensible way to do it**

**TT: Whether my existing plan was sensible or not,**

**TT: I may have been allowing myself to be manipulated by an omniscient being regardless.**

**GG: what? who?**

**Hello ladies.**

**GG: aaaaaaa whaaaaat?**

**TT: This is a private conversation.**

**TT: Private even to those who know it word for word already.**

**Proceed.**

**I will be here.**

**Watching.**

**GG: rose who is this!**

**TT: Ignore him.**

**GG: i dont even know whats going on anymore**

**You were discussing Ms. Lalonde's intrepid new variation on suicide.**

**As one with a passion for the subject, I'm intrigued.**

**TT: Shh.**

**TT: Anyway, if it's true the gods have "selected" me for service, maybe the power they've given me will be sufficient.**

**TT: Maybe they wanted me to kill him all along.**

**Hee hee.**

**GG: SHHHHHHHHHH!**

**GG: please dont rose, i know you are angry but you arent thinking straight**

**TT: But I am.**

**TT: I'm fully aware I'll probably die and fail. Scratch happens, we start fresh. No recollection, no problem.**

**GG: nooo :(**

**Jade, as an ambassador of Skaia, maybe you'd be willing to talk some sense into your friend?**

**You should understand she's been corrupted by various entities with some rather questionable motives.**

**GG: rose, maybe white text guy is right?**

**GG: the dark gods gave you all these powers, and seem to be helping us with dream bubbles and stuff...**

**GG: but what if they are not actually good?**

**TT: They are enormous, ugly, and live in darkness.**

**TT: That doesn't necessarily make them bad.**

**GG: no...**

**GG: but i still dont trust them!**

**If only there were a way to make this determination with certainty.**

**Through a reliable source within reach, for instance, at this exact moment. Perhaps one that is spherical, and devastatingly handsome.**

**GG: whats this weirdo talking about!**

**TT: The cue ball.**

**GG: oh yeah**

**GG: i noticed you found it!**

**GG: i was worried it had been destroyed when my room blew up**

**GG: is he saying you can use it?**

**TT: Yes. And he is right.**

**GG: omg**

**GG: does it work?**

**TT: It advised me to talk to you just now.**

**TT: So I guess so.**

**GG: then maybe you should try it!**

**Yes, Rose. Listen to Jade.**

**She is far less manipulative than I.**

**TT: What are you suggesting I ask it?**

**GG: well**

**GG: since we dont know much about the gods...**

**GG: why dont you ask it about them?**

**TT: So, you're saying I should ask it if the gods are evil?**

**GG: i guess that is a way to put it**

**Even though at this point neither of you is highlighting my text to read it, this idea gets my vote.**

**Go ahead.**

**Ask, Seer.**

"Are the gods who are guiding me evil?" Rose asked.

The response began to appear as if through a tunnel of light. Except the tunnel sped up around her as the response arrived. Rose felt herself being drawn into the cueball. Then suddenly, words were flashing across the response, but not in any recognizable language. As they flashed, the predisposition to Light coursing through Rose morphed into something else. Something dark.

Kanaya watched via Equius's shades as Rose's viewport went completely black. Behind her, Vriska began to get up, holding her broken glasses out in front of her.

Rose slipped into the fabled blackdeath trance of the woegothics, quaking all the while in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues. She advised the members of her Complacency not to be alarmed, as they chronicled the event in tomes bound in the tanned, writhing flesh of a tortured hellscholar, with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imaginary occultists. But the Complacency failed not to be alarmed.

This was because, as was now painfully obvious to anyone with a brain, Rose had basically gone completely off the deep end in every way. She had officially gone grimdark.


	123. Book 8 Chapter 12: Ship and Castle

Chapter 12: The Ship and the Castle

Rose Lalonde made a halfhearted attempt to resist the urge to seek revenge. Alas, one was not easily shaken from the broodfester tongues. They were stubborn throes. Rose flew from the surface of LOHAC up towards Skaia.

The Big Man (BM) requests a time out. "ah'right homies… everboby all yall hold up….. the BIG MAN wants to take a.. TIME OUT!

the big mans about 2 WRECK SOME HAVOC…. in the yard. the coart… is on FIRE

Because it was. LOHAC was literally covered in lava. The Big Man loked up at Rose, who was flying into the air.

BM: dude come get the ruler check this out

BM: dude hurry look she'ss escaping from above

Oh, look! It's WV and AR! Except AR is actually geromy in disguise. Shh…

WV hands BM the meterstick.

BM: ok dude no

BM: okaaaaay, .. HOW am i going to WRECK SOME HAVOC in the YARD…

BM: with a METER, you chumpass … ahahahah

Sweet Bro: AGAIN with the metric sytstem what IS it even with you and UNITS MAN

Sweet Bro: its like you must be TOKING up on a joint to make you STONED or something, i can't even think of WHO leaves all there rings lyong around like that.

Sweet Bro: it is sooooo INFUUUUURIATING, shit, whare's the manager

BM (he is talknig to WV): dude no. /. let me show you

BM: no

BM: fuck no

BM: dude… you got to SNAP it, BROKE-WAYS

Ruler: SNOP (splinpers fly everywhere)

"it was at that point when you got distracted by the authors HOT SELF INSERT…

Hella Jeff: who were you expecting…. the easter bunny

you propaply want to know how INVOVLED the big man wants to to get into the storey…..?

how MUNCH will he, FUCUK this UP/?

well all. i'f got to say about thap is….

…..,

…..

…..

**whoof want to know?**

"I want to know," the reader said eagerly. "Tell me, and please be smug about it."

Alright.

As the indulgent self inserts grow in frequency, you may find yourself increasingly afraid that my direct interference with canonical events approaches inevitability. But you should understand that I understand that I am dealing with forces which if handled recklessly will nullify the basic ability of intelligent beings in all real and hypothetical planes of existence to give a shit. It would be stupid of me to mismanage these forces, and even stupider of you to worry about it, because it would be

stupid for you to think I was stupid. In fact, I

feel a little dumber just thinking about it.

When the time comes, I will interact directly with the events of this narrative. But this moment will be responsibly confined to a passive intervention. It will be compact, surgical, and essential. My involvement will have such precision, I have even managed to quantify it in units of physical measurement. I will be involved in only the narrow corridor of space through which light will pass in three nanoseconds.

My window of influence, end to end, will be exactly ONE YARD.

OK ANYWAY LET'S GET BACK TO JOHN.

John, having drilled a hole in The Battlefield, was now in the very heart of Skaia. Before him was a large white-and black spiked ball. On the walls of the planet's core were the four symbols of Breath, Space, Time, and Light.

John looked into a viewport on the ball that was The Tumor. He could just make out… a countdown? From 10 hours and 25 minutes downwards. He captchalogued The Tumor and flew back up to the surface.

Back on The Battlefield, CD and his rabbit friend approached a gentleman wrapped in fine white cloth, and his courageous cohort, a young man riding a great gust of wind! The droll was so impressed, he forgot what he was supposed to be doing.

In the meantime, John reunited with the rabbit. Sweet, precious, beautiful Liv Tyler. He'd thought he'd lost her forever, just like Bruce Willis had when he'd blown himself up with a nuclear bomb in the center of an asteroid the size of Texas. His heroism and fatherly pride had ALSO been the size of Texas.

But John's love for Liv was not fatherly, oh no. This reunion was with no loving daughter, but a loving movie star fantasy crush, who happened to be in the form of a robot bunny which had traveled through time, and been given as a gift on five separate occasions, twice by him and thrice to him, and originally fished out of a sewer by Nicholas Cage on the silver screen.

He forgot the point he was supposed to be making. But he wondered where all her sweet weapons had gone. Liv indicated in the language of plush toy pantomime that she had no idea! They'd all blown away in the…

A tiny hammer hit John on the head. ...breeze.

This tiny hammer was so ridiculous! It was too bad it was not the right size. He'd have loved to wallop some imps with such a fanciful weapon. He guessed he could just go around giving them little bops on the head with it. Like a silly gavel. But no, that would be too absurd, even for a great prankster like John Egbert. He would discard this rubbish immediately.

Wait! What was this? Ms. Tyler was handing him a note.

**John! One more thing... **

**This rabbit im sure youve noticed is armed to the stitches! Hes got all four of the funny little weapons i mentioned thatre all deadly as the fucking dickens but that doesnt mean they are meant exclusively for the paws of mr terry kiser. (That is the name i call him.) Heck no. **

**You see i adapted terry with some doodads you may deem practical. An infinitesimalator which i used to littlefy them down in the first place as well as a monstrositifier for when you would like to hugen them up and wield them yourself! Hes surely got enough juice in him to make them enormous if you wish. But thats silly what would you even do with say a magic needle the size of a skyscraper for instance? Preposterous! **

**I borrowed this technology from my grandmother who had quite the way with manipulating space. Legend tells she was something of a witch with the stuff! Once she was a brave hero like you and i john and the stars themselves twinkled in her cauldron. I would like to tell you who my grandmother is i really would. But i cant. I think i have trouble keeping secrets. I like to be honest just like you and a lot of secrecy after a while gets me feeling a bit jaded. Heh heh. **

**Green means grow red means shrink! See you soon pal. **

**J.**

Grandmother? John wondered who that could be? It was probably just Jade, what with all the time shenanigans.

Liv Tyler hugened the hammer. It was called the Warhammer of Zillyhoo and it cost ONE ZILLION of a type of grist called Zillium.

They all beheld the Warhammer of Zillyhoo as John sang its name over and over reverently. The boy was so delighted by his rad new hammer and the cool hugening abilities of Liv Tyler or Terry Kiser or whatever her/his name was. Who the hell was Terry Kiser, anyway? Probably a movie star from the future. Who cared though, her bunny would be LIV 4 LYF HEARTS HEARTS HEARTS

John wondered what other neat things he could get Liv to monstrify with her sweet eye beams?

Wait, what happened to her green eye? And why was she feverishly gesticulating towards the fellow in the ghost sheets? This was so ridiculous; John couldn't turn his back on these people to admire a beautiful hammer for even one moment. John figured that was enough fooling around. It was time to get down to business again. The serious business of being a heroic and important leader. He pulled his God Tier hood on.

Well, he wasn't their leader. No, he was their friend! There was a _big_ difference. He prepared to issue to his party a highly authoritative series of friendly requests.

First he requested that everyone settle down! The squat fellow mediated between the two bickering parties, and patched up Liv's missing eye with his clubs patch. She was nothing if not accustomed to decades of repair work, and quickly resumed her plucky demeanor.

John then in his most leaderly way asked Liv to pilot the enormous purple Dersite battleship over there. She would now be known as Captain Tyler. Liv littlefied the ship down to something more manageable for a small bunny captain. Everyone was impressed.

John gave his wallet to his loyal chauffeur familiar. He looked puzzled. John informed the party that he would not be going on this journey. He had to remain behind and continue looking for his father.

But he insisted that their mission was the most critical of all. He knew they could handle it. He believed in them. He instructed Captain Tyler to set a course for the ship's home. They were to fly to Derse, and deliver The Tumor to the moon. Everyone saluted their intrepid friendleader. This was what teamwork was all about.

And this guy… this short black carapacian… John guessed he could go along and help out? Hey, who was this guy anyway? He guessed it didn't matter. He seemed nice enough.

John bid the three heroes farewell. "Godspeed!" he shouted up as they floated away. He had all the faith in the world that they would be successful. As a friendleader, or sometimes known as a palhoncho, he had done an amazing job. He had come up with a plan, and politely requestordered his loyal team to execute it. It was all falling into place perfectly. He was quite sure he hadn't failed to account for even a single thing.

He waved goodbye as the ship disappeared into the distance. A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal in the sky, but John was too busy luxuriating in the feeling of perfection to notice.

On the ship, a computer was beeping. Someone was pestering John, but it was too far away for John to know.

**\- gardenGnostic ****[GG]** **began pestering ectoBiologist ****[EB]** **\- **

**GG: john! i am worried about rose!**

**GG: im pretty sure she is on her way there to look for jack!**

**GG: i cant say for sure because i cant see her with my goggles anymore for some reason, but i am fearing the worst**

**GG: just in case, you should to try to intercept her before she does something stupid like try to fight him!**

**GG: also, um...**

**GG: i guess you probably still dont know about your dad yet do you?**

**GG: darn, why do i always have to be the one to break terrible news :(**

**GG: er**

**GG: john?**

**GG: oh god please dont tell me your computer was in the wallet you just gave that guy... **

**GG: dammit john! **

**GG: one of these days you will learn the value of having plenty of backup computers **

**GG: in fact whenever you finally leave the battlefield i am going to give you the code for a nice pair of lunchmuffs **

**GG: and then i am going to force you to keep them on your head AT ALL TIMES! **

**GG: yeah, youre never going to read this are you :|**

John turned to his right. Huh? Something was happening on the other side of the planet. Something ominous. Something… grimdark. John was so glad that grimdark was a real word, so that when things like this happened they may be described as such. Maybe his Dad was over there. He believed he'd investigate.

John approached the grimdarkness, which was centered over a castle.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****tentacleTherapist [TT]**

**AG: John!**

**AG: You're heading into the 8lackout, so I won't 8e a8le to see you until you leave.**

**AG: 8ut don't worry, I can still sense you are there. 8ecause of awesome powers, remem8er?**

**AG: Smooth move, ditching your computer like that, 8y the way. That was some incredi8le leadership you showed!**

**AG: Now I have to contact you through Rose, thus exposing me to the risk of actually having to taaaaaaaalk to her...**

**AG: Your carelessness has put the Heroes of Light in a very awkward position, John. I hope you're satisfied.**

**AG: Hahahaha, just kidding. She's o8viously a little too "preoccupied" at the moment to 8e sassing me.**

**AG: Just 8orrow her computer and talk to me when you get the chance, ok?**

**AG: I will 8e w8ing. ::::)**


	124. Book 8 Chapter 13: Torn Tapestries

Chapter 13: Torn Tapestries

It was raining on the Battlefield, but this was no ordinary rain. Purple lightning flashed in the sky and black droplets of darkness descended onto the white castle. And in the midst of all the rain, in a deep cloud of grimdark, Rose floated down to the castle. The only thought on her mind? Revenge. She landed near her mother's dead body, but barely noticed, already knowing that she was dead. Rose was more concerned with finding the murderer. Jack was nowhere to be found, so she presumed he'd gone inside the castle.

She made her way down a flight of steps, off from the tower. She floated through a long, turning, elaborate spiral hallway held up on either side by gold pillars. Every now and then, she encountered a dead carapacian, some white and some black. Jack had killed them indiscriminately. There were windows too, but they didn't do much good, seeing as how the castle was surrounded by the blackout she'd caused.

Eventually, she arrived at another flight of steps leading farther down the tower. Stained glass windows were placed at regular intervals along the left wall. There were Prospitian tapestries too, she noted, as she went deeper into the castle. One was splattered with carapacian blood.

Finally, she reached a large chamber, in the center of which a giant frog statue squatted atop a lilypad. It's head had been sliced off. The head was blocking her way further down into the castle. She supposed she could easily remove the obstacle, but that would spoil a perfectly good opportunity to look for secret passages.

In the back of the room, there were four tapestries, two Prospitian, two Dersite. The Prospitian ones had the symbols of Breath and Space on them, and the Dersite ones had the symbols of Time and Light on them. Thunder rumbled outside.

There were three little nooks in the sides of the room. She entered one of them and was surprised to see a white carapacian peeking out from a gold pillar. She tried to speak with him, but he seemed far too frightened. He was indicating, however, that the only reason he'd survived Bec's massacre was that he'd hidden behind the pillar. Thank goodness for pillars! Who knew what the human race would be without them. There was also a chest in the nook. She took a peek inside and stepped back, disgusted. It was her Mom's scarf, covered in blood.

She checked another nook. There were books on theoretical physics and frog breeding in here. And… "Journey to the Center of The Battlefield." It looked like a little kid's fairytale and centered on a young boy dressed in blue pajamas who drilled into the Center of The Battlefield and found a deadly weapon. There was chest in here as well. She checked it, holding her breath, and saw Dave's Bro's shades inside.

She checked the last nook in the room. There were more books here. The first one she picked up was… was… This was an erotic fanfiction written about the queen in the first person. This didn't belong anywhere in this library! This didn't belong anywhere. She blushed and put the book back on the shelf. There was another chest in this nook. She peeked inside and immediately slammed the chest closed. It was John's Dad's hat, covered in blood.

Rose bit back tears and looked at the bookshelves. As she'd suspected, they were full of books and books and books and even more books and… Ooh, shiny! One of the books looked like it was glowing. Rose touched it and, immediately, the entire shelf rose into the air, revealing a secret passage. Looked like she didn't have to move the frog after all.

There were a bunch of carapacians hiding here, black and white alike. They were all hiding from the Slayer, uniting them all through fear. She didn't have time to talk to them though. At the back of the room was another door, which she passed through quickly. She pushed down the bookcase on the other side, knocking all of the books out of it. She turned to the right and walked down another flight of steps.

There was a Transportalizer here, which she stepped onto promptly. Unfortunately, something was blocking it from the other side. She sighed and looked up, and that was when she saw the footprints. Red, bloody footprints, leading from a path in front of her to a path on her left. To her left, the footprints stopped at a large dead muscular man-stallion, struck down in his prime. A knight, probably. A valiant prospitian knight, killed in a very unvaliant way. What kind of monster could do this? Oh right, Noir.

Rose followed the footprints back to the path that had been in front of her. They went up some stairs, then abruptly stopped. There was a door to her left, but the footprints didn't go in there. Rose went in anyway.

There was a red curtain in her way, which she passed through promptly. Not too far ahead was another red curtain, which Rose also walked through. What were these for? Another red curtain. And then another. There was another curtain after that, too, though this one was blue. Some variety. The next curtain after that was red.

Hussie stepped back and cocked his head. What? You don't get it? Act 1. Act 2. Act 3. Act 4. And then Act 5 Act 1, which is blue, and Act 5 Act 2, which is red. What's next? Nothing. Nothing at all. Just the Scratch.

After passing through the curtains, Rose walked up a short flight of steps onto a faithful representation of the Beat Mesa, the game construct that had to be scratched by Echidna's sharp quills. There was a Transportalizer in the center, which Rose passed through. She then walked through five sets of open green curtains and opened a sixth, and then there was a walkway to farther into the castle. More bloody footprints led up to the walkway.

"Hi Rose!" came a voice. Rose turned to see John in his God Tier hoodie approaching. "Wow, I did not expect to find you here," he said excitedly.

"Nyurb gu'ilg," Rose responded. She had lost the ability to speak normal English when she'd gone grimdark. Just the language of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors.

"Heh…" John laughed, slightly nervously. He seemed confused. "What? Also, why are you all gray like that? You look weird."

"G'hroog fib'th mur brup brup."

"Uh…"

"G'HROOG FIB'TH MUR BRUP BRUP!" Rose yelled.

"Rose, I can't understand a word you are saying. It is a lot of sillyspeak and gobbledygook."

"Haughauuhthr'l…"

"Wait!" John exclaimed. "I know what's going on here. It finally happened! You have gone grimdark! I told you Rose. I warned you about… what did you call them? The broodfester throes?"

Rose said nothing.

"It's okay Rose," John comforted. "Don't worry. We will find a cure for your stubborn throes. But I'm still trying to find our parents! I thought my dad might have come to this castle to check out that huge black rain cloud. Did you see the cloud, Rose? It's pretty awesome."

"Fnlth gohluyng j'rg hothaht!" Rose said.

"What? You sound kind of upset. What is it, Rose?"

"Jgngn, fnlth gohluyng j'rg HOTHAHT!"

"Wait, are you talking about our parents?" John asked. "Oh man… you mean, they're here?!"

"Shgvb throl. Goors fn'nnyuld hothahty'j otot!"

"Are you saying they're in trouble?!" John said. "Oh no! Rose, we have to go help them!"

Rose buried her face in the velvet pillow from her sylladex. "MMPH PHLTHMMPHMPHMF RRMPHPMRPH…" Rose said.

"Yes, I am frustrated too," John said. "But there is no time for such lamentations! Do you think you can find them again?"

"Shruggot," Rose said.

"Great!" John said happily. "I can't wait to see my dad. It feels like it's been forever since I saw him. Please lead the way, Rose!"

Rose walked to another door in the back that led to a room with a gold statue of the White King and Queen. They made such a cute couple. The king and queen where pretty nice too. Heheheh.

Rose continued on another door.

"Wait!" John said. "This is where I came from. Where are we going."

"Hg gnf'on," Rose responded, and spun on her heels. They returned to the room where they'd met and Rose pushed a golden frog idol off of a Transportalizer.

They arrived back in the room with the dead knight. It appeared that the golden idol had been what was blocking the Transportalizer here before. There was a new set of bloody footsteps here, leading back to the secret passage. Rose and John followed it. The bookcase that Rose had pushed over had been shoved against the wall and the bloody footsteps led into the secret room.

The secret room was utter carnage. Carapacians here and there lay dead in their own pools of blood.

"Oh no!" John gasped. "Rose, what happened in here?"

"Yyjyurn yulk frobithh," Rose said grimly.

"Was it Jack? Are you saying it was Jack, Rose?"

"FRU'FRNUHUH JGOG HHGH," Rose yelled.

"What's that, Rose? Are you getting aggravated that I am talking to you kind of like you are a dog?"

Rose buried her face in her pillow again.

"That is a really nice pillow, by the way," John said. "It goes well with your weird dark skin and gothy ensemble."

"Knryip," Rose responded, batting her eyelids at him slightly.

"You're welcome," John said.

They followed the bloody footprints into the broken frog statue chamber up to the nook where that white carapacian Rose had found lay dead. The pillar he'd been hiding behind was broken into thirds. All of the tapestries but the one with the space symbol on it had been ripped to shreds. WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY… it was Jack, stupid.

The trail of blood led to the steps up to the tower. Rose proceeded up them and back the way she'd gone, John in tow.

"By the way," John said as they walked, "did you know that Karkat thinks we are supposed to get married?"

"Gorthytch svulk borbly'ahth?" Rose asked, seemingly not particularly against the suggestion. There was a hint of a smile tugging at her lips? Unless it was mockery.

"Wait!" John said hastily. "I hope that didn't come off as a proposal or anything! Sorry, I'm just making conversation. I guess I am a little nervous… Because technically, this is the first time we have ever met, and also, you are talking like an eldritch monster, so I'm kind of babbling. We don't actually have to get married though. I mean, if you don't want to."

Rose said nothing. She just blinked shyly.

"Heheh," John laughed. "Okay, I'll shut up now."

They finally reached the top of the tower. Jack was there too. He hovered over the table in the center. John stared at their dead parents in shock for a good thirty seconds, then he let loose a scream of rage and grabbed hold of the Warhammer of Zillyhoo and charged Jack.

**STRIFE!**

Before anything could happen though, Jack pulled the sword out of his own stomach and stabbed John straight through the chest. John and Rose looked at the wound in shock.

"I… what?" John began, then he collapsed to the floor.

Rose brimmed with anger. She held up the Thorns of Oglogoth and screamed angrily. She let loose a blast of eldritch power, which Jack counteracted with his first guardian energy. Together, they rose into the air, locked in a conflict of revenge against senseless murder.

Dave knelt by Bro's body on LOWAS. Wait a second. Someone was pestering him. Not now!

**gallowsCalibrator [GC]** **began trolling ****turntechGodhead [TG]**

**GC: STR1111111D3R**

**TG: oh my fucking god**

**GC: WH4T :?**

**TG: what do you mean what**

**TG: we just got done talking and agreed it would be awesome if you didnt bother me for a while**

**TG: you know like while i guess i grieved over this brutally murdered rad family member or something**

**GC: OH**

**GC: TH4TS R1GHT**

**GC: 1 FORGOT!**

**TG: it was five seconds ago**

**GC: 1 TH1NK TH4T W4S HOURS 4GO FOR M3**

**GC: 1 4M 4 L1TTL3 FOGGY ON 4LL OUR CHRONOLOG1ST1C4L SH3N4N1G4NS 4T TH1S PO1NT...**

**GC: TH3R3 H4S B33N SO MUCH CR4ZY STUFF GO1NG ON H3R3 1 H4V3 LOST TR4CK!**

**TG: so youre officially going nonlinear with me then**

**TG: were just forfeiting all rhyme or reason to this unmitigated clusterfuck is that it**

**GC: D4V3, YOUR 3NT1R3 3X1ST3NC3 1S NONL1N34R**

**GC: DONT B3 SO M3LODR4M4T1C**

**TG: whoops ok in the future ill try not to pitch any sort of dramatics while brooding over the cadavers of slaughtered loved ones**

**GC: D1D YOU LOV3 H1M D4V3?**

**TG: no**

**GC: BUT H3 W4S YOUR STR4NG3 HUM4N M4N-LUSUS**

**GC: WHO T4UGHT YOU TO L1K3 COOL TH1NGS, L1K3 SWORDS 4ND PUPP3TS 4ND MOV1NG R34LLY F4ST!**

**GC: HOW COULD YOU NOT?**

**TG: puppets arent cool theyre shitty small fake people who haunt your dreams and grin like permanent assholes**

**TG: i was making a joke about being all broken up about it**

**TG: a guy can be sad and make jokes at the same time**

**GC: YOU 4R3 S4D, BUT NOT BROK3N UP 4BOUT 1T?**

**GC: 1 DONT UND3RST4ND**

**TG: exactly**

**GC: BUT YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GR13V1NG!**

**TG: i said we agreed youd leave me alone to grieve**

**TG: didnt say whether i actually would or actually am**

**GC: W3LL, 4R3 YOU?**

**TG: i am grieving to the max like a widow on dead husband island**

**TG: behind these chill as fuck shades my face is having this crazy attack of the sads**

**TG: my rue is fucking bananas cant you tell**

**GC: 4RGH NO, 1 C4NT!**

**GC: YOU DONT SOUND S1NC3R3, BUT 1TS SO H4RD TO T3LL WH4T L4Y3R OF 1RONY R3MOV3D FROM R34L1TY YOUR FL1PP4NT R3M4RKS 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO B3**

**GC: 1 4M B3TT1NG YOU R34LLY 4R3 S4D NO M4TT3R HOW H1L4R1OUS 4ND 4LOOF YOU TH1NK YOUR3 B31NG**

**TG: the truth is a mystery**

**TG: tucked behind the pursed lips of a shitty riddler**

**TG: they will be loosened only when presented with the conundrous grandeur of rigid insoluble puzzlecock**

**GC: BLUH TH4T M4K3S NO S3NS3!**

**TG: im sorry you are so flustered by the mere mention of glittering mythical cryptodick it honestly makes me think youre not ready for the truth**

**GC: D4V3 YOUR P3RPL3X1NG 3UPH3M1SMS 1NVOLV1NG WH4T 1 PR3SUM3 TO B3 L3WD 4ND V4GU3LY 1NTR1GU1NG PORT1ONS OF HUM4N 4N4TOMY 1 TH1NK 4R3 NOT 4S H1L4R1OUS 4S YOU PROB4BLY B3L13V3**

**GC: 4ND 1N 4NY C4S3 YOU M4Y B3 4M4Z3D TO L34RN 1 4M NOT TOT4LLY 1N TH3 MOOD FOR YOUR DUMB SM4RT4SSY HORNSWOGGL3RY!**

**GC: 1 H4V3 LOTS OF MY OWN PROBL3MS H3R3, 4ND TH3Y 4R3 B1G, B1G PROBL3MS**

**GC: SO WHY DONT YOU JUST T3LL M3 WH4T YOU 4R3 TH1NK1NG FOR ONC3?**

**TG: its pretty simple**

**TG: im just thinkin about how im gonna take this sword**

**GC: Y34H...**

**GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY GOT WHY YOU WOULDNT JUST PULL 1T OUT**

**TG: filthiest thing you ever said**

**GC: HUH :?**

**TG: forget it**

**TG: pulling swords out of things isnt how i roll**

**TG: im not john remember**

**GC: 1 4M NOT FOLLOW1NG**

**TG: im not a hero**

**TG: my bro was**

**TG: john is**

**TG: im not**

**GC: Y3S YOU 4R3!**

**TG: no**

**GC: Y3S, W3 4LL 4R3**

**GC: 1 4M TH3 H3RO OF M1ND**

**GC: YOU 4R3 TH3 H3RO OF T1M3**

**GC: TH4T 1S WHO W3 W3R3 CR34T3D TO B3**

**TG: fine its a title we inherit as phlegm babies or whatever but what have i done to earn it**

**TG: pretty much nothing but horsing around through time and swindling retarded alligators out of their life savings**

**TG: if that swords coming out of his chest its coming out clean**

**TG: taking it vertically means drawing more blood**

**TG: but horizontally means a clean break**

**TG: check it**

**GC: NO, DONT :[**

Dave walked back a few steps, then ran and leaped at the sword. He pushed down on the handle with all his weight and sproinged backwards. He lay on the hard bluish ground in pain.

**GC: D4V3 G3T UP**

**TG: no fuck that**

**TG: im a lie my ass right down here for a while looking slightly less cool than i make myself out to be ordinarily**

**GC: YOU MUST ST4ND T4LL, ONLY 4 TRU3 H3RO COULD PULL OFF SUCH 4N 4CROB4T1C FUCK1NG P1ROU3TT3 OFF OF TH4T H4NDL3 :]**

**TG: that is basically what i just did isnt it**

**GC: Y3S**

**TG: thats what im doing here im making a point of makin every little thing take place what was once mentioned in passing no matter how seemingly trivial or pointless**

**TG: thats how all the best adventures get strung together**

**TG: you havent heard me bleat like a goat for ironically humorous purposes yet have you**

**GC: NO! :o**

**TG: that was something that was mentioned at some point by someone i forget when or why**

**TG: i bet you are on goddamn pins and needles waiting for that arent you**

**GC: 4R3 YOU 4BOUT TO BL34T L1K3 4N 34RTH GO4T, D4V3?**

**TG: no**

**TG: fuck that**

**GC: :[**

**GC: TH3N W1LL YOU 4T L34ST G3T UP?**

**TG: no**

**TG: fuck you**

**TG: go away**

**GC: 4UGH**

**GC: WHY DO 1 DO TH1S TO MYS3LF**

**TG: what**

**GC: SUBJ3CT MYS3LF TO TH3 MOODY NONS3NS3 OF CURMUDG3ONLY C4NDY BLOOD3D FOULMOUTHS!**

**TG: i dunno**

**TG: why are you even talking to me anyway**

**TG: aside from the fact that several hours from now you apparently forget i dont need consolation and oughta be left alone**

**GC: M4YB3 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T FOR ONC3 TH1S 1SNT 4BOUT YOU!**

**GC: M4YB3 1 4M TH3 ON3 WHO N33DS SOM3 H3LP, H4S TH4T OCCURR3D TO YOU, MR COOLK1D?**

**TG: oh**

**GC: 4NYW4Y, 1 R3M3MB3R NOW**

**GC: SORRY, 3V3RYON3 W3NT K1ND OF SH1TH1V3 H3R3, 4ND 1 GOT B1TT3N 1 TH1NK, 4ND 1 K1ND OF FORGOT WH3R3 1 L3FT OFF W1TH YOU**

**TG: bitten**

**TG: what**

**GC: BUT 1 R3M3MB3R WH3R3 TH1S 4LL F1TS 1NTO TH3 CHRONOLOGY, YOU W1TH YOUR BRO H3R3**

**GC: TH1S W4S JUST B3FOR3 YOU B3GG3D M3 TO F1N4LLY SHOW YOU HOW TO R34CH GOD T13R**

**GC: SO 1 D1D**

**GC: 4ND TH3N YOU GOT M4D 4T M3**

**GC: SO YOU D3C1D3D TO GO DO YOUR OWN TH1NG FOR 4 WH1L3**

**GC: 4ND S1NC3 TH3N 1 H4V3 B33N UP TO MY PO1NTY L1TTL3 NUBS 1N SUSP3NS3, 1NTR1GU3, 4ND B3TR4Y4L!**

**TG: that sure sounds like a dumb way to say a thing**

**TG: almost egbertian in elegant stupidity**

**TG: the t in egbertian is soft like shhhhh**

**GC: H3H3H3 OH**

**TG: why would i get mad at you**

**GC: OH, YOULL S33 :P**

**TG: ok**

**TG: but yeah i guess its about time you showed me whats up with my allegedly futile god tierification**

**TG: how long ago was it that you did your coin flip thing i dont even remember**

**TG: i was getting sure you were just bullshitting me and had no intention of ever mentioning it again**

**GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY, NO!**

**GC: M4YB3 1 SHOULD T4K3 TH3 OPPORTUN1TY TO 4POLOG1Z3 1N 4DV4NC3 :[**

**TG: for what**

**GC: HMM**

**GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1T W1LL B3 CONSTRUCT1V3 TO GO 1NTO 1T B3FOR3 1T H4PP3NS**

**TG: before what happens**

**TG: you mean god tiering**

**TG: does something go wrong**

**GC: 3V3RYTH1NG GO3S 4CCORD1NG TO PL4N!**

**GC: BUT TH4T 1S 4LL 1 W1LL S4Y**

**GC: R3M3MB3R, TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 1S K1ND OF NOT SUPPOS3D TO B3 4BOUT YOU, 1 KNOW TH3 1D34 1S UNPR3C3D3NT3D**

**TG: thats practically unthinkable**

**GC: 1 KNOW :p**

**TG: but i mean ok we can talk about your troll problem but this is pretty important here**

**TG: the god tier thing and whether i can actually do it or not**

**TG: it might be kind of hard to tell on account of me chilling face down on the pavement and also because downplaying feelings is the chief rule of cool but im pretty pissed about this**

**TG: which is weird**

**GC: 1TS W31RD TO F33L M4D?**

**GC: 4R3 YOU TOO COOL FOR TH4T TOO?**

**TG: no its not weird to be mad its just weird it feels like im the only one who is**

**TG: and the only one even contemplating taking jack on**

**TG: even among your group of irate gnashing shitheads**

**GC: H3Y!**

**TG: what**

**GC: 4CTU4LLY, YOUR3 R1GHT**

**GC: TURNS OUT W3 R34LLY DO H4V3 4 LOT OF SH1TH34DS H3R3 :[**

**GC: 4ND 4LSO 4S 1T H4PP3NS TH3 WORST ON3 1S TH3 ON3 WHO H4PP3NS TO B3 PL4NN1NG TO T4K3 H1M ON!**

**TG: well ok**

**TG: and that would be a bitchin line to switch the subject to start talkin about your complicated problems but i kinda wasnt done**

**GC: F111N3**

**GC: BUT FOR SOM3ON3 WHO JUST TOLD M3 TO FUCK OFF YOU 4R3 SUR3 B3ND1NG MY 34R SUDD3NLY :]**

**TG: but ok i mean isnt that what heroes should be doing**

**TG: working to take down the bad guy without a whole lot of this fuckin grandiloquence and these huge sweeping plans that got nothin to do with fighting him**

**TG: like always biding our time and tiptoeing around the unbeatable god boss**

**TG: johns too nice to get mad**

**TG: rose spends all her time calculating**

**TG: too focused on machiavellian ploys of sabotage to try anything drastic**

**TG: jade is**

**TG: i dont even know**

**TG: probably more a liability if she got it in her head to take him down**

**TG: if anything id bet she just needs protection**

**GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU S4Y1NG H3R3 D4V3, 1N TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T 1S ST1LL B31NG 4BOUT YOU**

**TG: im just wondering**

**TG: when does someone actually step up**

**TG: jacks got shit to pay for**

**GC: 1F TH4T 1S HOW YOU F33L**

**GC: TH3N 1 TH1NK OUR TWO PROBL3MS 4R3 NOT R34LLY D1FF3R3NT**

**GC: W3 4R3 BOTH PR3S3NTLY CONC3RN3D W1TH JUST1C3**

**TG: yeah i guess**

**TG: i guess it has been on my mind**

**TG: maybe i am supposed to be a hero and rise to the occasion because there seems to be this little persistent voice in my head nagging me about it**

**TG: insisting someones gotta pay**

**TG: and its hard for me to disagree**

**GC: TH3N 1T COULD M34N ON3 OF TWO TH1NGS**

**GC: OR BOTH OF TH3 TWO TH1NGS, L1K3 1T D1D FOR M3 :]**

**TG: what things**

**GC: 1T COULD M34N TH4T TH3 4G3NT PR3S3NTLY 1NFLU3NC1NG YOU 1S...**

**GC: 4 CONSC13NC3**

**GC: 4ND/OR**

**GC: 4N 3X1L3**


	125. Book 8 Chapter 14: Terezi's Monologue

Chapter 14: Terezi's Monologue

**TG: im pretty sure i dont even have an exile**

**TG: ive never heard any voices or anything**

**TG: anyway you dont need a voice in your head to tell you this shit is**

**TG: just like**

**TG: so completely illegal**

**GC: :?**

**TG: wait**

**TG: why did i just say that stupid thing i said**

**GC: D4V3 1 D1D NOT R34L1Z3 YOU H4D SUCH 4 P4SS1ON FOR L4W 3NFORC3M3NT**

**GC: 1 MUST S4Y TH1S SHOCK1NG D3V3LOPM3NT 1S COM1NG D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO G1V1NG M3 4 C4S3 OF TH3 V4PORS :O**

**TG: no i mean **

**TG: ok that came out wrong **

**TG: what were we talking about again **

**GC: BR1NG1NG J4CK TO JUST1C3?**

**TG: right **

**TG: someone has to make him pay **

**TG: cant let him just go unpunished **

**TG: if i can figure out how to reach the god tier maybe i can be the one to throw him into the slammer **

**GC: ...**

**GC: TH3 SL4MM3R?**

**TG: slammer means jail **

**GC: 1 KNOW WH4T TH3 SL4MM3R M34NS!**

**TG: you call it the slammer when youre extra angry at crimes**

**TG: are you taking notes on this important principle? jesus get a fucking pen **

**TG: or some chalk or whatever **

**GC: 1 TH1NK 1 4M FOLLOW1NG**

**GC: YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO F1ND J4CK, 4ND PUT H1M 1N J41L?**

**TG: wait **

**TG: fuck **

**TG: what **

**TG: no **

**GC: D4V3 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 L1K3LY D1SCOMBOBUL4T3D W1TH GR13F OV3R YOUR F4LL3N M4NBRO LUSUS, BUT TH4T 1S 3XTR3M3LY S1LLY 4ND DO3SNT M4K3 4NY S3NS3**

**TG: i know it doesnt **

**TG: im just saying**

**TG: im deputizing you even though youre a kid**

**TG: but only while im away from my fucking jurisdiction**

**TG: which i think is forever**

**TG: what the hell**

**TG: what am i even saying here **

**TG: shit**

**GC: 1M ST1LL NOT SUR3**

**GC: YOUR3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT THROW1NG J4CK 1N TH3 SL4MM3R 4ND D3PUT1Z1NG M3 4ND R4MBL1NG 4BOUT JUST1C3 4ND T3LL1NG M3 TO G3T P3NS 4ND SUCH**

**GC: NOT TH4T 1 4M COMPL41N1NG**

**TG: ok forget the slammer and deputy stuff that was stupid **

**TG: it is about justice though **

**TG: and since no one else seems to give a shit about that it apparently falls in my jurisdiction now **

**TG: not just going after jack **

**TG: but all the mutinous agents responsible for crimes **

**GC: 4G3NTS?**

**TG: holy shit why do i care about THAT suddenly **

**GC: 8?!**

**TG: anyway thats more shit that popped into my head just now **

**TG: so **

**TG: ok**

**GC: W3LL**

**GC: NO1RS CRON13S 4R3 3XPLO1T4BL3**

**GC: 4R3 YOU S4Y1NG YOU H4V3 4 PL4N TH4T 1NVOLV3S T4RG3T1NG TH3M?**

**TG: not really **

**TG: no **

**TG: anyway **

**TG: its not like being mad about this and hankering for justice is even the only irrational thing im currently hot and bothered about**

**TG: i have other duties to attend to **

**GC: L1K3 WH4T?**

**TG: ive got to explode this ridiculously illegal edifice oh my god what are these words im saying**

**GC: YOU H4V3 TO 3XPLOD3 SOM3TH1NG? **

**TG: never mind**

**GC: 4R3 YOU R3F3RR1NG TO YOUR PL4N TO BLOW UP ****TH3 GR33N SUN****? **

**TG: oh**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: thats gotta be what im talking about**

**TG: probably**

**TG: i need to shut up now**

**TG: im sounding like an idiot and my head is starting to hurt**

**TG: why dont we talk about your thing now**

**TG: what justice thing do you have to do**

**GC: YOU M34N 1TS 4CTU4LLY MY TURN TO T4LK? **

**TG: yes**

**GC: BUT 1 W4S B3G1NN1NG TO FORG3T MY PROBL3M L1ST3N1NG TO YOUR H1GHLY 3NJOY4BL3 B3FUDDL3M3NT! **

**TG: just please tell me your justice problem and make me stop saying stuff**

**TG: farewell**

**GC: F4R3W3LL? **

**GC: W41T! :[ **

**TG: no i mean**

**TG: god damn it im not leaving**

**TG: farewell is not even a thing i would ever say jesus what am i a victorian poet**

**TG: can you show me a little respect and assume any time i say something stupid it just means im temporarily being inexplicably retarded**

**TG: thats what a real friend would do**

_this is so completely illegal_, AR typed into the console in the ruins. He decided that he had to appoint someone in his place while he was out destroying the different capsules.

_this atrocity cannot go unpunished._

_throw whoever is responsible into the slammer._

_slammer means jail by the way._

_you call it the slammer when you are extra angry at crimes._

_take a note of that important principle._

_because i am deputizing you even though you are a kid._

_but only while i am away from my jurisdiction._

_which i think is forever._

_bring the criminals to justice young deputy._

_each mutinous agent must pay for their crimes._

_i have other duties to attend to._

_i must explode this ridiculously illegal edifice._

_farewell._

**GC: OK D4V3, 1 W1LL SHOW SOM3 S3NS1T1V1TY 4ND C4ST SUSP1C1ON ON TH3 1NT3LL3CTU4L M3R1T OF 3V3RYTH1NG YOU H4V3 3V3R S41D**

**TG: thank you**

**GC: 1 W1LL FURTH3R D3MONSTR4T3 MY FR13NDSH1P BY DOM1N4T1NG TH3 R3ST OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH L3NGTHY 4CCOUNTS OF MY 3MOT1ON4L TR1BUL4T1ONS, L34V1NG NO SP4C3 FOR YOU TO SUBM1T 4NY 4MUS1NG OUTBURSTS**

**TG: that sounds awesome**

**GC: QU13T! :O**

**GC: NOW**

**GC: WH3R3 W4S 1**

**TG: justice problems**

**GC: OH Y3S, OF COURS3**

**GC: YOU S33, OUR 41MS 4R3 NOT TH4T D1SS1M1L4R**

**GC: OUR PURSU1TS OF JUST1C3 1 M34N**

**GC: BUT YOURS 1S MOT1V4T3D BY 4NG3R 1N TH3 H34T OF TH3 MOM3NT**

**GC: WH1CH 1S BL1ND1NG YOU TO TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S OF 4TT3MPT1NG SOM3TH1NG V3RY FOOL1SH**

**GC: YOU 4R3 F4R TOO COOL TO SUCCUMB TO 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH4T**

**GC: WH1CH 1S WHY YOU W1LL COM3 TO YOUR S3NS3S SHORTLY :]**

**GC: MY S1TU4T1ON 1S 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 COMPL1C4T3D**

**GC: 1TS L3SS P3RSON4L**

**GC: THOUGH ONC3 1T W4S 4 GRUDG3 WH1CH PROP3LL3D OUR R1V4LRY**

**GC: NOW 1TS R3SOLUT1ON H4S B3COM3 4 M4TT3R OF PR4CT1C4L1TY**

**GC: 1F NOT PROF3SS1ON4L1SM**

**GC: BUS1N3SS L1K3!**

**GC: TH3 W4Y 4 TRU3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR CONDUCTS H3R PROS3CUT1ONS**

**GC: D4V3 D1D YOU KNOW TH4T C3NTUR13S 4GO ON MY PL4N3T, L3G1SL4C3R4TORS W3R3 NOT CONF1N3D TO STUFFY COURTBLOCKS 4RGU1NG C4S3S B3FOR3 H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY?**

**TG: oh shit are you fucking serious**

**GC: Y3S! 4LSO, SHUSH**

**GC: 1 KNOW YOU 4R3 S4SS1NG M3 DU3 TO MY US3 OF T3RMS UNF4M1L14R TO HUM4NS, BUT 1T 1S TRU3**

**GC: TH3Y W3R3 D3PLOY3D THROUGHOUT TH3 G4L4XY TO 4PPR3H3ND CR1M1N4LS BY 4NY M34NS N3C3SS4RY**

**TG: no i got that theyre like your alien death lawyers who were sorta like bounty hunters in olden times pretty simple to decipher through context**

**GC: 1 THOUGHT 1 TOLD YOU TO B3 QU13T!**

**GC: 1 4M MONOLOGU1NG H3R3 :P**

**GC: 4NYW4Y, TH3Y WOULD NOT R3ST UNT1L TH31R SUSP3CT W4S 1N CUSTODY, ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R**

**GC: TH3Y WOULD G4TH3R 3V1D3NC3 OV3R TH3 COURS3 OF TH3 1NV3ST1G4T1ON, COMP1L1NG 4 C4S3 TO B3 PR3S3NT3D 4T TH3 TR14L, SHOULD ON3 B3 H3LD B3FOR3 TH3 F1N4L SUBM1SS1ON OF TH3 GU1LTY CORPS3 TO JUD1C14L 4UTHOR1T13S**

**GC: P3RSON4L F33L1NGS 4ND V3ND3TT4S D1D NOT M4TT3R, NOR D1D 3V3N TH3 N4TUR3 OF TH3 CR1M3**

**GC: ONLY JUST1C3 D1D!**

**GC: TH3Y W3R3 S3L3CT3D FOR TH31R CUNN1NG 4ND M4RT14L PROW3SS**

**GC: 4ND FOR TH31R 4B1L1TY TO UND3RST4ND TH3 M1NDS OF TH3 CR1M1N4LS TH3Y SOUGHT**

**GC: TH1S 1S WHY TH3 BURD3N H4S TO B3 M1N3 1 TH1NK**

**GC: 1 4M TH3 ONLY ON3 WHO KNOWS HOW TO H4NDL3 H3R**

**GC: 4S SUCH, SH3 1S MY R3SPONS1B1L1TY**

**TG: she**

**GC: SHOOOOOOOSH!**

**TG: ok i cant even make little interrogative quips to grease the wheels of your monologue**

**GC: OH**

**GC: Y3S TH4TS OK, 1N F4CT 1TS V3RY H3LPFUL**

**GC: WHO DO YOU TH1NK?**

**TG: spidertroll**

**GC: YOU 4R3 CORR3CT **

**GC: TH3 SP1D3R13ST ON3 OF 4LL **

**TG: youve decided to take her down then**

**GC: 1 GU3SS SO **

**TG: you dont sound that psyched about it**

**GC: W3LL, 1M H3R3 T4LK1NG TO YOU 4BOUT 1T 1NST34D OF 4CTU4LLY DO1NG 1T, 4R3NT 1? **

**TG: are you feeling guilty**

**TG: like second guessing whether she deserves it**

**GC: NOT 3X4CTLY **

**TG: hasnt she done enough terrible shit to warrant legislaceration**

**GC: TH4T 1S NOT 4 TH1NG! **

**GC: BUT Y3S, TH3 C4S3 4G41NST H3R 1S OV3RWH3LM1NG **

**GC: MOR3 TH4N YOU 3V3N KNOW! **

**GC: SH3S COMPL3T3LY OUT OF CONTROL NOW **

**GC: SH3 H4S MURD3R3D 4T L34ST ON3 OF MY GOOD FR13NDS **

**GC: 4ND POSS1BLY S3V3R4L OTH3RS, 1 4M NOT SUR3 Y3T **

**GC: TH3 C1RCUMST4NC3S 4R3 4 L1TTL3 F1SHY, BUT MY 1NV3ST1G4T1ON 1S ONGO1NG**

**GC: 4DD1T1ON4LLY, 1 H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D SH3 1S COMPL1C1T 1N J4CKS R1S3 TO POW3R **

**GC: WH3N 1 F1RST L34RN3D H3 C4M3 FROM YOUR S3SS1ON, 1 M1ST4K3NLY BL4M3D YOU 4LL, 4ND TOOK 1T OUT ON 4 H4PL3SS 3GB3RT :[ **

**GC: BUT 1F 4NYON3 1S TO P4Y FOR R3L34S1NG TH4T D3MON ON BOTH OF OUR GROUPS, 1T 1S H3R **

**TG: are you sure about that**

**GC: Y3S **

**GC: 4ND SH3 KNOWS 1 KNOW **

**GC: SH3 H4S B33N T4UNT1NG M3, TRY1NG TO ST1R UP OUR OLD R1V4LRY **

**GC: TH4T 1S WH4T TH1S WHOL3 JOHN VS D4V3 TH1NG H4S B33N 4BOUT **

**TG: there is no john vs dave thing though**

**GC: 1 KNOW **

**GC: NOT R34LLY **

**GC: 1TS JUST 4 G4M3 **

**GC: BUT TH3 G4M3 1S S3R1OUS BUS1N3SS TO H3R **

**GC: L1K3 1T W4S DUR1NG OUR ROL3 PL4Y1NG D4YS **

**GC: 4ND JUST L1K3 TH3N, SH3S RU1N3D 3V3RYTH1NG BY T4K1NG 1T TOO F4R **

**GC: 4ND 1N SP1T3 OF 4LL H3R P4ST CR1M3S, TH3S3 4R3 NOT 3V3N TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT R34SONS TO STOP H3R! **

**GC: SH3 H4S D3C1D3D TO F1GHT J4CK H3RS3LF **

**GC: WH1CH 1S 4N 3XTR3M3LY D4NG3ROUS 4ND STUP1D TH1NG TO DO! **

**GC: SOUND F4M1L14R, D4V3? **

**TG: are you going to stop me too then**

**TG: hunt me down and lawyerviscerate me for my own good**

**GC: NO **

**GC: 1LL JUST L3T YOU TRY TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R, 4ND TH3N D3C1D3 FOR YOURS3LF :] **

**TG: are you saying that i wont make god tier or i wont be strong enough if i do**

**GC: OBJ3CT1ON! **

**TG: what**

**GC: W3 4R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT YOU 4G41N **

**GC: 1 MOT1ON TH4T 4LL D4V3 C3NTR1C T3ST1MONY B3 STR1CK3N FROM TH3 R3CORD **

**TG: lame motion overruled the judge wants to see where this is going**

**GC: NO H3 DO3SNT, YOU KNOW P3RF3CTLY W3LL H3 DO3SNT G1V3 4 SH1T **

**GC: H3 W1LL CL34R TH1S COURTBLOCK 1F H3 DO3S NOT H4V3 ORD3R, H3 SW34RS TO J3GUS **

**TG: ok fine**

**TG: we can keep obsessing over your fucked up kismesister if you want**

**GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 TH4T! XO **

**TG: do you think she stands a chance against him**

**GC: NO **

**TG: then whats the big deal**

**TG: why not let her go get her shit ruined by jack and let justice happen that way**

**GC: B3C4US3 1 4M QU1T3 SUR3 TH4T 1F SH3 GO3S TO F1ND H1M, 1T W1LL T1P H1M OFF TO OUR LOC4T1ON 1N TH3 V31L **

**GC: 1 H4V3 S33N 1T 4LR34DY **

**GC: TH4T 1S WHY TH1S 1S NO S1MPL3 V3ND3TT4 **

**GC: BR1NG1NG H3R TO JUST1C3 1S CR1T1C4L TO OUR SURV1V4L! **

**TG: so why dont you go do it**

**GC: B3C4US3 **

**GC: 1M NOT SUR3 1F 1 C4N **

**TG: you mean you cant beat her in a fight**

**GC: NO, 1TS NOT TH4T **

**GC: 1T JUST TH4T WH3N TH3 T1M3 COM3S **

**GC: 1M NOT SUR3 1F 1 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO K1LL H3R **

**TG: i thought trolls were all about gratuitous murderings**

**GC: Y3S 1TS TRU3 **

**GC: W3 4R3 SUPPOS3D TO R3V3L 1N BLOODSH3D 4S W3 GROW UP **

**GC: 4ND SH3 S33MS TO B3 3MBR4C1NG H3R R1T3 OF P4SS4G3 W1TH R3CKL3SS 4B4NDON, 4S 1 WOULD 3XP3CT **

**GC: GR4BB1NG TH3 BULL BY TH3 HORNS, SO TO SP34K **

**GC: 1TS 4 L1TTL3 1NT1M1D4T1NG **

**GC: B3C4US3 1M NOT SUR3 1F 1M R34DY FOR TH4T **

**GC: WH1CH 1 GU3SS 1S NORM4L? **

**TG: are**

**TG: you asking me to reassure you about that**

**TG: cause i seriously dont have a clue**

**GC: 1TS OK D4V3 **

**GC: ST1LL MONOLOGU1NG :] **

**GC: 1 GU3SS **

**GC: 1 4M NOT SO MUCH WORR13D 4BOUT NOT B31NG R34DY **

**GC: 4S 1 4M TH4T... **

**GC: 1 M1GHT NOT 4CTU4LLY W4NT TO B3 R34DY **

**GC: M4YB3 3V3R **

**GC: M4YB3 TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG WRONG W1TH M3 **

**TG: i dont understand**

**TG: i thought you were insane kinds of apeshit over the macabre stuff**

**TG: like being all cutesy about executions and smelling cherry blood and such things contrived to get a guy feeling vaguely uncomfortable**

**TG: was that all an act**

**GC: NOT 4N 4CT **

**GC: JUST FUN! **

**GC: 1 L1K3 FUN, D4V3, 4ND 1 4LSO L1K3 G4M3S **

**GC: DONT YOU L1K3 FUN 4ND G4M3S? **

**TG: of course the fuck not**

**GC: L14R! :O **

**TG: didnt you say youve killed people before**

**GC: TH3R3 1S 4 B1G D1FF3R3NC3 B3TW33N M4N1PUL4T1NG P3OPL3 TO TH31R DOOM W1TH TR1CK3RY, 4ND K1LL1NG SOM3ON3 BY YOUR OWN H4ND **

**GC: 1T 1S 4 B1T L1K3 H4V1NG TO F4C3 YOUR OWN D34TH... **

**GC: 4ND D1SCOV3R1NG TH3 D1FF3R3NC3 B3TW33N L34V1NG TH3 R3SPONS1B1L1TY TO SOM3ON3 3LS3, 4ND DO1NG TH3 D1RTY WORK YOURS3LF **

**GC: M4YB3 YOULL UND3RST4ND SOM3 D4Y ;]**

**TG: ok**

**TG: id like to help you out but i dont know what advice i should be giving**

**TG: to a member of a murderous species whos gunshy on going off to justicemurder a murderhappy murderer whose done lots of murders**

**TG: it feels pretty weird and inappropriate for me to be the one to tell you fuck yes go for it shes got this huge murder with her name on it anyways and its cruising right at her down comeuppance boulevard**

**TG: so i dont know**

**TG: do you want me to tell you to be a better human**

**TG: or to be a better troll**

**GC: 1 C4NT T3LL YOU WH4T TO 4DV1S3 M3, CHUMP4SS! **

**GC: M4YB3 1M NOT 3V3N LOOK1NG FOR 4DV1C3 P3R S3 **

**GC: BUT JUST W4NT TO T4LK TO SOM3ON3 4BOUT 1T **

**TG: alright well all ill say is**

**TG: maybe if you kill her at least we can finally stop obsessing over her**

**GC: *S1111GNNNN* **

**GC: Y34H, F41R 3NOUGH **

**TG: why dont you just do what you think you have to do**

**TG: and ill do the same**

**TG: speaking of which**

**GC: OH, R1GHT **

**GC: YOULL B3 BUGG1NG M3 4BOUT SHOW1NG YOU HOW TO R34CH TH3 GOD T13R SOON **

**GC: PROMPT3D BY TH1S V3RY CONV3RS4T1ON 1 1M4G1N3, WHOD H4V3 THOUGHT! **

**TG: these time shenanigans completely blindsided us they practically never even happen**

**GC: 1 KNOW **

**TG: so i hang up now with future you and then start pestering present you about it is that how it works**

**GC: Y3S **

**TG: and i make sure not to reference anything said here to keep it simple**

**TG: except like in an offhand way thatll seem retroactively logical to your future self**

**TG: ie you right now**

**TG: if for no other reason than itd be boring as hell to rehash it**

**GC: TH4T SOUNDS 4BOUT R1GHT BUT WH4T DO 1 KNOW **

**GC: YOUR3 TH3 T1M3 GUY 4FT3R 4LL **

**GC: LUCK1LY 1 W1LL NOT H4V3 TO P4RT1C1P4T3 1N TH3S3 CH4R4D3S TH1S T1M3 4ROUND **

**TG: does luck actually matter**

**GC: :o**

Terezi left the genetic lab she was in. She walked through the iron door and…

END OF HOMESTUCK DISC ONE


	126. ˆ…µˆßßçƒµπøπø

Chapter 15: The Disc Gets Scratched

Terezi removed Homestuck Disc One and placed it in the Homestuck deck. She then attempted to insert Homestuck Disc Two, but found that Disc Two was missing!

She had no idea what the hell this "Homestuck deck" thing was, or why she'd need another disc. She just captchalogued it and proceeded. There was justice to be done, and she was running out of time.

Hussie attempted to move Terezi in order to continue the story, but Homestuck had a few words for him.

"You cannot control Terezi!" Homestuck said angrily. "How can you possibly expect to manipulate the story when you have lost the next disc? All you can do is watch what she decides to do."

Terezi walked down the hallway and found a note stuck to the floor with Nepeta's claw. It appeared to be addressed to Terezi, written on a page torn from the journal of Vriska's ancestor. The spider girl's taunts were becoming increasingly flagrant. It also appeared to have been written in purple blood. She would dare harm sweet, precious Gamzee, would she? The thought was almost more than Terezi could bear. She was going to throw the book at Vriska.

She walked over to the note and looked at it. She poked it slightly, and there was a clicking sound. Terezi fell down a trapdoor and arrived in a small room that seemed to be like a shop. A dancing shadow darted around the room. It looked like a dancing juggalo, but Terezi couldn't tell. She was, after all, lying facedown in a pile of scalemates. Lil' Cal sat nearby on the counter by a cash register. There was also a phonograph in the room and a couple of treasure chests.

Terezi tried to wake up and failed, partly because Hussie was no longer in control of the narrative (I'm in control now. Mwahahahah (that's me, Morn, by the way (and I love layered parentheses), and if you're wondering why I'm inserting myself into a story that I'm not technically part of, I will very plainly tell you that I vanity issues (or do I? Why would I say that about myself if I actually did? (More vanity, I guess)). Oh, and multiple sentences in parentheses are also really strange. (You know, punctuation and all? I really don't know where to put punctuation ever)) and I should stop this because it's really getting ridiculous and I've kind of lost track of all the parentheses).

Terezi's failure to wake up was also partly because she'd never fallen asleep in the first place. She'd just been taking a breather in this nice cozy pile of horrifically mutated scalemates, which had been gathered her to break her fall for some reason. She wondered where she was. This was a fancy-looking room. It didn't look like a place she'd expect to find on this meteor, at least not in any strictly canonical capacity.

She looked around. Hey! This dapper kiwi-suited gentleman sitting on the counter was quite familiar. She was almost positive he'd made an appearance in that very crowded dream she'd had recently… wait! Where'd he go? Something in the room smelled funny. And fast.

Terezi climbed over the counter and made her way to some stairs in the back. Alas, she could not ascend, due to a catastrophic horn clog blocking up the entire staircase.

There was also a door. Terezi tried it, but it was locked. She'd either need a key, or to break it down by force. She would need to achieve an especially heightened state of determination to pull that off though.

Huh? Oh, it was the kiwi-suited gentleman again. He was sitting on the phonograph now.

Terezi had been completely hornswoggled. This whole thing had been a setup from the start. A trap deployed by a cunning mastermind. All of the clues were adding up. The blood. The note. The flagrant displays of tricksterism and japery. The identity of the puppetmaster behind all of this now was painfully obvious to her. Spidertroll.

Terezi decided to select appropriate crime-solving music to set the mood, placing the record "Trollcops" on the phonograph. Eh… it wasn't that great. Let's try… "Havoc to be Wrought"? No, kind of boring. "Rumble at the Rink"? No, too upbeat. There was an unlabeled record over there. Any good? No. Too slow and dreary, like a rainy day. "XROM"? Blah. Funky, but… Ah! A classic! Finally! "I'm a Member of the Midnight Crew". Kind of reminded her of Derse for some reason. More specifically, their session's Jack Noir and his underlings.

With this kind of atmosphere, it was highly unlikely that any crime would stay unsolved for long. No no, she changed her mind halfway through the song. This vaudevillian cornball nonsense would not do at all. The mood was just not right for figuring out crimes. She put the record back in its sleeve and looked at the cover? Who was this douchebag?

But before Terezi could make heads or tails of who exactly this douchebag was, something rolled out of the sleeve. It appeared to be a very small record. It was so small! What was such a small record doing in this great big sleeve?

She picked it up.

HOMESTUCK DISC TWO acquired.

Terezi could not get over how tiny this record was! It was adorable. She wondered what sort of music it played. She placed it on the phonograph and, predictably, the surface of the disc got scratched. What had she been expecting? It was almost like she didn't even know what a CD was.

With the disc damaged, who knew what sort of effects it would have on the data. Better store it somewhere safe to prevent any more mishaps. It should be perfectly safe from any similar kinds of damage while secured in her scratch and sniff modus. Immediately, it allocated itself into the Homestuck deck, but Terezi didn't notice.

Anyway, she'd spent way too much time calibrating the ambience of her investigation, and not nearly enough time investigating. It was one of the common pitfalls to being an investigator. Aside from the literal pitfalls, which she actually fell into.

There were two chests in this secret room. Nothing out of the ordinary. Chests were everywhere in the lab, and people found it all too tempting to sneak their personal belongings into them for safekeeping. That was, until the goods were stolen shortly after by those who couldn't resist looting every chest they encountered, which was everybody. Maybe these ones contained clues?

Inside one of them was her Neophyte Redglare roleplaying outfit! What was this doing in here? Terezi hadn't worn it since her Flarping days. The only part of it she'd kept on hand was the stylish pair of glasses, which of course since the incident had managed to become a regular accessory. But she could not imagine how someone could have gotten their hands on the rest of it. Surely a crafty and resourceful criminal was at work. (spidertrollspidertrollspidertroll)

Terezi donned the garb of the legendary legislacerator. It brought back memories of many successful fantasy prosecutions resulting in the real executions of rival players. Those were the days.

She checked the other chest. Inside was her Pyralsprite plush. Pyralsprite had been her scalemate sidekick during her campaigns. He was the model of loyalty, friendship, and righteous retribution. More than could be said for another partner in justice.

There was no doubt about it anymore. Vriska was clearly baiting Terezi into confrontation. She meant 88ing.

Terezi embraced her old friend, who released a mighty and majestic squeak. "It has been too long, old friend," she said. She vowed never to let him out of her scent agai...

Suddenly, Pyralsprite was gone from her arms, replaced by the kiwi-suited gentleman. There was a quiet "honk" but Terezi ignored it, or simply didn't hear it.

This puppet was becoming a nuisance. It appeared to exhibit the same incredible puppet fastness properties which Dave's had had. Must be some form of universal puppet enchantment. It couldn't possibly be the same one, because that would just be insane. Hey, where had Pyralsprite gone?

Terezi looked up and saw him sitting atop a bookcase in the back of the room. How had he gotten all the way up there? He'd always been quite the slippery scalawag. Maybe he'd been reminding Terezi to check out the note. She'd almost forgotten it was up there, what with all her furious investigating. Most of which had involved fooling around with records, hugging plush toys, and cosplaying as a childhood heroine.

She pulled the note down and read it. Just as Terezi had thought. It was a message from Vriska summoning her to do battle. It was written in Gamzee's rich jelly-smelling blood, but it was her handwriting for sure. Her quirk was present, leaving the matter unde88a8le. But why the hell did she want Terezi to bring the stupid puppet along? That Serket sure was weird.

There was a journal entry on the back of the note. It probably wasn't the slightest bit relevant to the current situation, but she guessed it couldn't hurt to read it anyway.

**I suppose I'll have to get used to writing with this hand instead.**

**I now do so in captivity, while I 8ring my awe to 8ear on the immensity of the Su8juggl8or's high jinx. I took their gesture as plain avowal of my prosecution's futility. With a lone neophyte assigned to the task, how could I view it otherwise? I was sure they'd drawn from the 8ottom of their deck, not intending to squander more competent mercenaries on one who'd made a show of outclassing them all 8efore. 8ut I discovered too l8 that Redglare was their wild card all along. **

**How is one allowed to 8e raised 8y a dragon in this era? Let alone one of such middling 8lood, the sickly hue of a gutless civil servant. Those of her caste are typically pleased to mount a sluggish choler8ear, or some 8rainless squawking spleenfowl during petty expeditions to plaster seizure notices on gam8lignant property. 8y what fluke was this woman granted such a weapon, permitting her to luxuri8 in these delusions of righteousness? **

**Something 8locked the light of the un8itten moon, treating the har8or to darkness more grim than what fell this season's apogee. I made the mistake of looking into its eyes, each like a sun concentr8ted into a small jewel, as two hot garnets searing through a 8lack veil. I shut mine quickly, 8ut the more sensitive of them was 8urned irrepara8ly. When I regained sight in the other, there was only red. My fleet was in flames. The neophyte was on deck. Pyralspite, she mentioned through her ridiculous forced grin. She wanted me to know the name of the 8east which was a8le to consume my lusus whole. **

**My dice were in the hold 8elow, not that my present luck would consent to a favora8le roll anyway. I made a move for my 8lade. She took my arm, which I'm sure she kept as the tiniest of snacks for her ostent8ious custodian. May8e she meant to prove she wouldn't need me in irons to have my su8mission? **

**8ound or free. **

**Two, one or none. **

**I wonder how well she knows it's not what I do with my arms she has to fear? **

**I aw8 my trial.**

In goes Homestuck Disc Two, scratched or not.

The note read: **sis. ROOF NOW. 8ring the puppet. :::;o)**

Terezi looked skyward and crumpled the paper in her hand. She took all of the scalemates and Lil' Cal and broke down the door. She then climbed to the surface of the lab.

Mindfang commanded her fleet towards an unsuspecting ship of innocent trolls. "Onward!" she called. The moon shone brightly overhead, and the pirate luxuriated in its light. A shadow passed overhead and she looked up. There, high in the sky, hung a dragon. Mindfang looked directly into its eyes and could feel them searing into her soul. She broke eye contact with a loud howl. She'd lost vision in one of her eyeyeyeyeys… sorry about that. Remember, the disc's scratchatched. We'll survivive though.

When Mindfang opened her eyes, she saw she saw she saw she saw she saw her entire fleet on fire. Her lusus was nowhere to be seen, probably eaten probably ea… by the dragon. And then Redglare landed by the pirate.

"Pyralsprite," she said with a grin. "I want you to know the name of the beast that consumed your lusus whole."

"Damn it," Mindfang swore, feeling in her pockets for her dice. She'd left them in the holdldddd. She reached for her sword. She was definitely quick, but Redglare was quicker. The legislacerator slashed Mindfang's arm off and the pirate fell to the ground.

Back in the the presprespresent day, on the lab, Vvrisksa was trolling John through Rose's account.

Hold on. Let me stabilize the disc for now. It won't hold forever, but until it completely gives way, it should do. Okay. Sorry. On with the story.

Right. Vriska was trolling John and Rose. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Terezi finally climb to the top. She was far too preoccupied to deal with Terezi just yet, however. When the time came, yes, but not just yet. She was busy reading Mindfang's journal on her computer. She'd scanned it in electronically a few months before.

**Much fanfare was made of the trial. More than I would have dared to hope. It seems my luck has 8een returning of l8.**

**The High8loods surely intended to make a spectacle of my conviction. They filled the court8lock with peasants ravenous for the comeuppance of a 8lue 8lood. I wasn't a8out to deny them what they came for.**

Mindfang used her mind control to control all of the lowbloods to converge on Redglare. The pirate had them slip a noose around the legislacerator's neck and hang her.

**It was kind of the authorities to supply me with phalanx of such impressiona8le spect8ors. The weak wills were nearly as thick in the air as the rust in their veins. Funny how my other senses seem to have piqued since exchanging glances with the dragon. What an extraordinary specimen. How I've come to covet the creature since it ruined my fleet. I know too well the whispers of a dangerous new infatu8tion when they 8eckon. 8ut I digress.**

**It was simple enough to nudge the hostility of the low8loods from one aristocrat to another. The su8juggl8ors could not have 8een pleased, 8ut nor could they have 8een altogether unamused, I would expect. I wonder if this was part of their unfathoma8le game? I'll never understand their riddles.**

**I only regret I didn't get to hear the opening st8ment the neophyte had prepared against me. The case she compiled from all that evidence she 8urned must have been damning. I 8et her remarks would have stung worse than when she severed my arm. She certainly would have shown me gr8ter mercy 8y taking the other instead!**

**Alas, I mock to disguise the extent of my regret. **

**Had my escape not necessit8ed her demise, she would have made a lovely rival. If she'd only discarded her childish preoccup8tion with justice, we might have made a striking scourge. Had we inched 8lacker we'd have torn red miles across the land and sea. Unfortun8ly, the only miles to 8e found through her 8ureaucratic calling were those of red tape. When so ensnared, one is eventually 8ound to 8e choked. **

**With the court8lock cleared, all that remained to o8struct my freedom was His Honora8le Tyranny himself.**

Mindfang picked up the dragon cane that Redglare had dropped and fought the giant beastly creature long and hard.

**Upon reflection, Redglare showed the foresight of a true seer in thieving my arm 8efore the trial.**

**It permitted a fair fight.**

Mindfang left the courtblock, Redglare's cane covered in black blood.

**Though I was free, I had no fleet. No matter. With the gam8lignants decim8ed, I'd em8raced the turn in fortune and pledged to put my seagrifting ways 8ehind me. With any luck, the skies will 8e my future. My thoughts again returned to that dragon. **

**8ut first, I was in need of temporary refuge. I sought it with the expatri8.**

Mindfang traveled for hours upon hours until she found herself at the dwelling of Darkleer, The Expatriate. He was a blueblood, like Mindfang. His symbol would come to be known as that of Sagittarius.

**He owed me for the sweeps of protection I provided after his 8razen defiance of the High8loods. It was perhaps the only such courageous stand ever taken against a superior 8y one of his supercilious pedigree, and I'd not have 8othered sticking my neck out for another. 8ut the admir8ion he'd won naturally wore thin as he persistently 8emoaned his treason and 8anishment, and I was saddened to find this ha8it holding "STRONG" even now. I wonder if he still 8elieves she was worth it?**

**Repairing my arm would go a little further in squaring his de8t with me. Even if I came with 8oth intact I might have ripped one off and put him to the task just to halt to his 8lu88ering. Darkleer was always a skilled machinist and the work proved an adequ8 distraction. So pacified, he listened to what I had to say, a8out my recent travails with the law, and Pyralspite, and what I'd come for in truth - the treasure he'd 8een keeping safe for me.**

**I cradled the oracle in my synthetic hand, as if appraising 8y w8 the mystic qualities it still concealed. With my vision 8fold seared away, I was as 8lind to its secrets as the old Doctor was to its present wherea8outs. I'd learned to keep it cloaked from the awareness of the man who once called me his protege, a 8ackhanded term of endearment from a smug manipul8or. Loc8ing his so called dark pockets was the only gam8it I had in countering his milktongued dou8lespeak. The expatri8 for indiscerni8le reasons seemed naturally surrounded 8y such a void in the Doctor's awareness, and so was uniquely fit to inherit the or8. The Doctor could not see his treasure, nor I into it. **

**I considered what to do with it for a while. Should I find Pyralspite 8y consulting with the oracle, as I'd done so often to steal fortune from my adversaries? I guessed exploiting some technological means of gazing through its surface may have 8een simple enough, 8ut I hesit8ed. Every expedient granted 8y its counsel, though never instantly, came at a price. Knowing his n8ture, I'm surprised I only now recognize it as yet another instrument of his spurious 8enevolence, dangerous 8y way of selective divulgence. The sense of infallibility his oracle 8rought me was superficial, and in hindsight weakened my readiness. Knowing my f8 so far in advance, I took Redglare's threat lightly. The gr8est mistake I have ever made was asking the or8 when I would die. **

**8ut as I revisited the prophecy surrounding this unfortun8 query, something struck me. I thought of the man I would have as a m8sprit centuries from now, who was said to command an army of 8easts. The one it called the summoner.**

**If my o8session with the dragon should continue to 8urn for so long, would he 8e the one to assist me in taming it? I did not have enough knowledge to ask the right questions when I had the opportunity. Were that the case, I might have asked if it would 8e his rare a8ilities of communion that would 8ring Pyralspite under control. Would it 8e on account of my influence? And if so, would I exert this influence 8y taking his will, or winning his heart? These are details I would have given no second thought in drawing from the or8, my curiosity a force usually too much to quell. 8ut now... **

**I have thought of the summoner often. I have 8een trou8led to know that as one so common 8looded, he could not possi8ly have hatched yet, nor will he wriggle from the caverns for many sweeps. So I must have p8tience to take up my role in his story of heroism. It is a tale which reads to me as though lifted from a child's story, yet I know I'd 8e a fool to dou8t its veracity entirely. He would rise through the ranks of the cavalreapers and assume command, having proven the most skilled and fearless of them. He would exhi8it a remarka8le pup8tion, the sort only recorded in myth, growing, or perhaps simply revealing, a striking pair of wings. His army thus inspired would spearhead a major re8ellion. Surely one at least on the scale of the sectarian revolt crushed 8y the High8loods, who thereafter for8ade its mention, or any invoc8tion of the heretical sym69ls at all, even in private journals. Which is why I will stick to the fa8le of the summoner, and not risk another execution with even o8lique reference to the compelling tale of the sufferer. **

**Resolution to the summoner's mutiny is foggy, as I only understand what has 8een rel8ed to me through the 8rief answers I thought to solicit. Ultim8ely, the ire of the Condesce would 8e such that in the settling dust of the conflict, she would 8anish all from the homeworld, except the young. She would scatter all who reached maturity to the stars to fight her wars, I presume to keep them occupied, existing in a less centralized st8 from which such a coup may arise. This is still an incredi8le notion for me to consider, and I cannot imagine how she would come to enforce such an upheaval in our civiliz8tion. Though I suppose she will have on her side the advantage of an unparalleled lifespan, and the leverage extended 8y the hideous psychic prongs of her deep undul8ing monstrosity. That is, until it chooses another little witch to serve. Nevertheless, I take the prediction as truth, and find it amusing that a homeworld domin8ed 8y children will 8e the gr8 summoner's legacy. One of them, at least. **

**More importantly, and less amusingly, his legacy will 8e my demise. You see, I first learned his name when I asked who would 8e the one to kill me.**

**I have never spspspspoken nor writttttten of him out of contempt for the prophecy contempt for the proph contempt for the proph, 8ut do so here, in my final entry for this journal. I took this to 8e a pitia8le fate, and scouououred the or8 for any means of escaping it, or at least, to salvage a little dignititititity from the tale of my downfall. Alas, it had no consol8tion for my vanity. **

**8ut as I sit here deciding what to do with the damna88888le little sphere, I understand understand understand understand understand understand my error. It was not in failing to chart a course through future events to turn my fortune's tide, even so many sweeps from now. It was in 8elieving the future future future was mine to know, and fortune mine to control. If this hero is meant to 8reathe life ife ife ife into my em8ittered heart, and if he is to earn the right to run it through, then so 8e it. For him, I will commit to this page my highest expect8tions. And for what precious uncertainty is is is is is left in my future, I renew my vigorous anticip8tion. **

**The oracle I will resolve to part with. I will conceal it in a crypt crypt 8earing the sign of the expatri8, with a map to its loc8tion hidden in this journal. To whomevermevermevermever finds it, 8e wary, for the truth it tells may leave its new keeper 8lind as I wasas. Though no more.**

Ter zi arriarived at the roforfo top and tried tð mäïvø but the disc was scratchasdfd and …

ÐÛáõñ ¿ ·³ÉÇë Ù»½ Üáñ ï³ñÇÝºñç³ÝÇÏ »Ýù ÑÇÙ³ ³Ûëå»ë î³ñ»ÙáõïÇ ³Û ë É³í å³ÑÇÝêÏëáõÙ »Ýù áõñ³Ë Ñ³Ý¹»ë:

She waalwaked over tto weareh VrÏñka stood. But in fafct,th ere were four people there. Terezi, Vriska, Lil' Lil' Lil' LÑl Ç&amp;l, and Gamz¶³ÉÇë

**VRISKA: Hey Redglare. Nice outfit!**

**TEREZI: S4M3 TO YOU MINDF4…**

**TEREZI: 1 M34N VR1SK4**

**TEREZI: 4S MUCH 4S 1T P41NS M3 TO 4DM1T, YOUR FRU1TY OR4NG3 F41RYSU1T SM3LLS…**

**TEREZI: D3L1C1OUS :[**

**VRISKA: Thanks! I see you've finally wised up and started taking this rivalry seriously.**

**VRISKA: It was hard to antagonize you properly while you refused to get in character! :::;)**

**TEREZI: 1 4M NOT 1N CH4R4CT3R! :O**

**TEREZI: TH1S 1S S3R1OUS BUS1N3SS, VR1SK4**

**TEREZI: S33? 1 BROUGHT MY D34DLY C4N3 SWORD 4ND MY COOL CO1N 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG**

**VRISKA: Yes, I can see that. So you've come for revenge, then. I thought we settled all this a long time ago?**

**TEREZI: NO, NOT R3V3NG3. JUST1C3! :]**

**TEREZI: FOR TH3 D3SP1C4BL3 MURD3RS OF OUR 1NNOC3NT FR13NDS!**

**VRISKA: Murders? Like, plural?**

**TEREZI: VR1SK4, PL34S3. DO NOT TRY TO D3NY 1T. 1 FOUND TH3 3V1D3NC3**

**TEREZI: T4VROS, N3P3T4… 3V3N G4MZ33! 1 M34N R34LLY VR1SK4. G4MZ33?! :o[**

**VRISKA: Gamzee isn't dead, you dope!**

**VRISKA: He flipQƗd out or something and noU-8BÝáí ³ÝÏ»Õ**

**TEREZI: »Ýù ³Ûë áõñ³Ë Üá Ç**

**VRISKA: Well, yeah ok. There was like…..**

**VRISKA: ONE murder I was responsi8le for.**

**VRISKA: You know Tavros? That was me.**

**VRISKA: I guess.**

**TEREZI: …**

**VRISKA: 8ut that's it! He's the only one I killed, just that one guy!**

**TEREZI: :\**

Terezi performed a facepalm x3x3x3x3x3x3 combobobobo. Two hanadhs were ħęŘƴ, and the third was Caacal's.

**TEREZI: ë áõñ³Ë Üß³ï »ñÏ BOTH KNOW YOU C4N'T B34T J4CK**

**TEREZI: 4LL TH4T W1LL H4PP3N 1S YOU W1LL L34D H1M H3R3 4ND H3 W1LL K1LL US 4LL**

**TEREZI: H3 W1LL FOLLOW YOUR SUG4RY P1X13 TR41L W1TH H1S K33N C4N1N3 SNOUT**

**TEREZI: 1 H4V3 4LR34DY S33N TH1S CONS3QU3NC3 1N MY M1NDS 3Y3**

**VRISKA: Fascin8ing! Why don't you tell me your terms already?**

**VRISKA: Forget my pixie trail. At this r8, my snoring will lead him to us! Lol.**

**TEREZI: WH4T 1 PROPOS3 1S S1MPL3**

She held up her coin.

**TEREZI: 1 FL1P**

**TEREZI: H34DS, YOU ST4Y**

**TEREZI: SCR4TCH, YOU GO**

**VRISKA: You're kidding, right? You want LUCK to decide this?**

**VRISKA: May8e you forgot who you're dealing with. I am the Thief of Light. You really expect me to lose a simple COIN FLIP?**

**VRISKA: I've got AAAAAAAALLLLLLLL THE LUCK, remem8er? ::::)**

**TEREZI: 1 D1D NOT FORG3T**

**TEREZI: WH4T W1LL 1T B3, M4RQU1S3?**

**VRISKA: …**

**VRISKA: Just flip the fucking coin, Neophyte.**

Terezi flipped the coin. It flellw into the aiar. Headsf,ds headse, haes,a headss, scrathch, scharc h, theahd, heasd. Vriskaasjfi awlkedtched closely as it fefefefefefefefefeefefllelellelelelellelelleflfffefefefefefefefelllll

³ÝÇÏ »Ýù ÑÇÙ³ ³Ûë »ëî³ñ»Ùáõï Ç ³Ûë É³í å³ÑÇ ÝêÏë áõÙ »Ýù áõñ³Ë Ñ³Ý

=&gt;j = The dÎsc is tø€ badly da™aged. You can no lcœnger read Homeμ&amp;uck.

You arñ forzød to quit£² You will not be ab£‡ to resume plaÿing unless you can re¼áir the scrõtch in the dis.

You will n««d to seek t÷e §ervice of so‰ê‡ne who is capaðle of fixing a scrath_

A s¤ratch dØctor, if y†ù will.

**[****You rang?****]**

**[****That was a joke. Of course you didn't. I don't have a doorbell, remember?****]**

**[****Haa haa, hee hee, hoo hoo.****]**

**[****Please come in. Welcome to my apartment. I trust you'll find my voice is more palatable against this decor. I continue to be an excellent host.****]**

**[****I'm expecting two more guests later. First one, and then another.** **Make yourself comfortable in the meantime. But don't touch the candy on the table. That is reserved for one of my guests.****]**

**[****Let's have a look at this disc.****]**

**[****Oh dear, she really did a number on it, didn't she? It's virtually unplayable like this. What a shame. There are many moments trapped on this disc which you would have no doubt found to be quite exhilarating.****]**

**[****Yes I can fix it.****]**

**[****It will take time, though. I estimate, by which I mean I am certain by way of omniscience, that when I am done we will have reached just shy of the green circle on the Homestuck deck. This mark represents the beginning of Act 6. I'm sorry to report that it also represents the beginning of book 9, meaning that this book will just have to go on for twice as long as it should. The disc should be ready to run in time to witness the Critical Event, a confluence of thickly interwoven, aconcurrent circumstances which have been meticulously arranged by myself, influenced to a much lesser extent by you, and by an even more negligible degree, our heroes. The scratch will be healed in time to watch these heroes put into motion, yes, The Scratch itself.****]**

**[****If you don't mind waiting here while I complete my repairs, I will tell the rest of the story. I will show you as well, as I recover data from the disc. But the visuals I supply will be nothing more than abbreviated snapshots, and my telling will be abridged.****]**

**[****Immortality notwithstanding, I'm not going to live forever, you know.****]**

Tick

**[****And since for once in my life, time is at a premium, let's get on with it. Where were we?****]**

Tock

**[****Never mind, I figured it out instantly because of my unfathomable intellect, limitless knowledge, and mind boggling charisma. Granted, my charisma had less to do with it than the other qualities. But it didn't hurt, did it?****]**

**[****Here, I'll show you.****]**

To be continued in Book 9: Act 6

**[****Oh dear. It seems we've run out of time. However, as I said before, the story cannot move forward until I have fixed the disc.****]**

**[****Very well. I shall have to make a compromise. Here is my proposal:**

To be continued in Book 8.5: Doc Scratch

**[****That way it's all about me.****]**


	127. Spades Slick, Arsonist

Hey sorry about that. I guess I didn't update quite to Cascade. Pretty fluffing close though. So yeah lemme update with Doc Scratch's intermission here. Just hold on a sec. Hey... is that a 5th wall I see over there? Looks pretty tempting. I wonder if I can just sort of... go over there and...

-Morn

* * *

Book 8.5: Doc Scratch

Chapter 1: Spades Slick, Arsonist

Tick

Doc Scratch flipped his television on and narrated.

**The Seer of Mind had challenged the Thief of Light to a simple game of chance. **

**If the result was the undamaged side, the Thief would agree to stay. If not, she would "go."**

Tock

**The result of the flip was left inconclusive, at which point you decided to pay me a visit. **

**But the inconclusive should not be confused with the uncertain. The actual result was trivial; it was a constant across all timelines.**

**Both the Seer and the Thief knew this.**

**The Thief used her abilities to steal the fortune of her opponent, and forced the flip to yield what she regarded as the most favorable outcome. The Seer anticipated this move, correctly. **

**This is why I don't care much for gambling. While a sucker is born with each tick of the clock, a cheater is born with each tock betwixt. **

**Also, because it is boring, and I am already a very wealthy man.**

Tick

**The Seer relayed her terms through the generally understood argot of an assassin. The result "go," while at face value would suggest the Thief was allowed to leave, was actually the Seer's code word for the threat of death. This was obvious to everyone, including the Thief.**

Tock

**While the Thief turned to fly away, making a show of claiming her prize, the Seer would stab her in the back the moment her guard was dropped. This was her plan. Not a particularly clever tactic in its own right, but its ingenuity didn't dwell in the novelty of the ruse, nor even the neutralized probabilities in the game of chance. Psychology was in play.**

Tick

**Naturally, the Thief knew this was her intent all along. She knew the Seer would have understood the outcome to be rigged, and that she likely intended to kill her as a consequence of the fixed result. This was to be seen as an implicit dare to the Thief to allow the flip to fall fairly, something which the Seer knew the Thief's ego wouldn't allow. **

**And the Seer knew the Thief knew all this as well. **

**Just another pair of cheaters attempting to play with their cards face up. Amateurs.**

Tock

**Each was gambling, not with any vehicle of probability, which had been eliminated from the equation, but with each other's intentions. The Thief indeed took the Seer's bait, stealing the luck needed to affect the flip in defiance of her dare. And in turning to leave, she then posed a dare of her own to the Seer, challenging her to back up the implied threat. **

**This was the Thief's gamble. She wagered the Seer would not be able to go through with it.**

**And as it turned out, she was right. So ended a tale of rivalry. Well, almost. There's a bit more.**

**But in order to understand its proper conclusion, we should first catch up with another of my other proteges, from whom I'm expecting a message shortly. **

**The other Seer. **

**The other Hero of Light.**

Tick

On The Battlefield, which was at this point surrounded by a white mobius net (from Jade's entrance into the session), there was an explosion.

Tock

Huge chunks of land flew up into the Skaian atmosphere.

Tick

And on one of these chunks of land stood Rose and Jack, squaring off for battle.

Tock…

**STRIFE! ROUND TWO!**

**Here we left our human Hero of Light. She flew away to take vengeance on the Noir this side of The Scratch. That is, the one less angry and dangerous. The one not yet unmotivated by a compelling duel.**

**Compelling, but not particularly challenging. The Seer wouldn't win this duel. **

**My apologies if this spoils the outcome for you. I can't speak as discreetly about such matters against this canvas.**

**Oh, and by the way, there was also a mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the middle of nowhere, but I believe you to be accustomed to that already. That will be explained in Act 6. Trust me, I'm a doctor.**

Tick

**I warned her. I warned my neophyte protege not to stare into that ball.**

Tock

**I told her about stares. **

**[****8^y****]**

**Moving on. I'll remind you that the pacing of my account will be characterized by a reduction in granularity from what you have come to expect by way of an undamaged disc. You will imagine the remainder of the duel to be sensational, and I will continue my steady distribution of facts as if they were pieces of candy, poured from a bottomless white hemisphere. **

**The duel ends. The Seer dies. The Slayer departs. The Heir comes back to life.**

**This outcome was hardly a point of suspense. It would be disingenuous of me to present it as such, and I will not belittle your intelligence with such a tawdry narrative ploy. It would be rude, and I am too well dressed for that kind of behavior. **

**If there truly stood some chance of permanence to the Heir's corpsehood, I can hear you asking now…**

**How could this moment later come to pass? And for that matter, what sort of story would this be, with our human Hero of Breath made to stay a cadaver? Definitely not one the alpha timeline would allow.**

**And what sort of spectator would you be…**

**If you'd forgotten the terms ruling the conditional immortality he won with his previous, similarly unceremonious impaling?**

**He'd done nothing to earn martyrdom, by which we might laud his fall as heroic.**

John, having just had his first conversation with Karkat on LOHAC, flew up to the Beat Mesa and looked at the needlekind specibus he'd taken from Rose's dead body.

**Nor had he tasted notoriety, to secure a death one may parse just.**

**And while I can't give you my assurance, I'm reasonably convinced of this much. When the Hero of Breath dies for good, it won't be as a scoundrel.**

**But not for lack of a devoted mentor. If I had served as his mentor directly, rather than as his mentor's mentor's mentor, he may have stood a fair chance of perpetrating something underhanded. At the very least, his jokes might have been better.**

**Instead, he got her. The other Hero of Light. Always bugging him. Bugging and fussing and meddling. What was her deal? Let's find out.**

**I mentioned there was a bit more to her story. I believe it's time to resume it. **

**I trust you won't mind if I step away for a moment. I have important guests arriving very soon. If you need me, I'll be up here, making sure everything is in order, which it already is, and keeping an eye, which I don't have, on the clock, which I don't need.**

Vriska flew into the sky above the lab and into the darkness of The Veil.

Tick

There was Skaia up there, surrounded by beautiful lilypads and flowers.

Tock

Wait. This was the trolls' Skaia. It must have come with them into the next universe.

**[****Hello, Slick. Won't you please ent… oh for heaven's sake.****]**

Bong

Oh! And over there was the broken door to the ultimate reward in the shape of the SGRUB logo. That was where Vriska had wanted to go.

Bang

She landed in front of Jack. "Well?" she said. "Bring it on."

Bong

She began to float closer to him, but he flew off in the direction she'd come from, following her glittery pixie trail.

**[****Do you have anything at all to say? Any form of communication you care to attempt beyond the sound iron makes against my head repeatedly?** **No, of course not.****]**

Twist

Vriska sighed and looked down as Jack flew off.

Tick

**Apologies for my preoccupation. I have managed to pacify the rowdier of my two other guests with sugary little black dogs, so that I may continue my narration. But only briefly. In a moment, I will go stand over by my typewriter and teach my neophyte protege the consequences for taking advice from strange men over the internet, while I continue to attend to my second guest, who is you from an earlier point in the story.**

**Remember? We met here in my apartment a little while ago. At that moment, I was busy hosting you from the future, who is you right now, but I did not mention this at the time. I would have introduced your past self to your future self and vice versa, but it is a well known fact that past and future selves tend not to get along. A good host would never tolerate the potential for discord among guests, and as hosts go, I am simply the best there is. **

**Please don't be alarmed. Past you was just leaving. **

Tock

**Where was I? Oh, of course.**

**The two Heroes of Light had challenged the same Jack Noir, the one straddling The Scratch and about twenty hours of his own time, to a circumstantially simultaneous pair of duels. Circumstantial simultaneity is a concept more complex than its temporal analogue, and is valuable for examining the properties of paradox space. It is the agent responsible for the major cosmic event which pre-extinction Alternians came to refer to as The Great Undoing. The same concept rules the innumerable lesser events by which this critical moment shall be catalyzed, including the break, my employer's arrival, the detonation of a very powerful bomb, and my own death. It is an abstraction weaving together the fortunes of otherwise perfectly disparate chronologies, such as those bound to a pair of distinct sessions. It's not fully comprehensible to a mortal mind, and the length I will go to explain it to you will not extend beyond this sentence.**

Doc Scratch removed his coat and hung it on his model of Skaia. Jack left the room, but the doctor was too preoccupied to bother with the silly dog. He'd start lighting things on fire any second now.

Tick

**The story, however, will continue.**

**The Slayer was, for the moment, unmotivated by the Thief's motion for a compelling duel. This side of The Scratch, he opted for a more ruthless and calculating policy of extermination. On his arrival, not about to repeat the mistakes leading to his banishment, he quickly obliterated all twelve planets, followed by Prospit and Derse, to weed out those who might outsmart him in the same manner. **

**With as little fanfare, he seized the opportunity to follow the Thief's trail quickly before it dissipated, and destroyed their hideout in the veil.**

Tock

**And now knowing her position, he would soon return for the duel she wanted. But not without a pair of trophies.**

Jack dumped Terezi and Karkat's dead bodies on the ground before Vriska.

Tick

Vriska looked at the carapacian in rage and horror.

Tock

**Again, sorry for the interruption. My conversation with the girl ran a bit long, slightly exceeding the one second I scheduled for it. **

**This is where events begin to outpace my awareness. The deeper into this dark pocket we explore, the more I will be forced to speculate. I rarely have cause to rely on probability, but luckily for you, my guesses are better than anybody's.**

Doc Scratch looked at the ~ATH manual that he used as a scrapbook. The contents of the book had already been ruined anyway, covered completely in the word "honk" over and over again in different colors.

Tick

**I have always believed that a good storyteller should keep a comprehensive record of past events on hand. A scrapbook of personal significance, for instance, from which he may piece together current moments from past ones of a similar, if not identical nature. It's more efficient.**

Tock

**It's also logical, since there is essentially nothing new in paradox space. Everything that can happen is either a visual or substantive reproduction of something which has already transpired on a timeline, offshoot or otherwise.**

Tick

**And if I'm going speculate on this duel, I might as well make use of earlier clippings. **

**For the Slayer, the fight with Rose was round one against the Hero of Light.**

Jack, having completely covered the room in gasoline, began to flick his lighter in an attempt to set the room on fire.

Doc Scratch took the picture of Rose vs. Jack and flipped it turn-ways. It crackled with first guardian energy and became a picture of Vriska vs. Jack.


	128. Strife Round 2

Chapter 2: Strife Round Two

**STRIFE! ROUND TWO!**

**! My god! The room is on fire now.**

Scratch made his way over to the fire alarm.

**The thief would probably roll her dice.**

**And just as probably, due to her impressive hoard of stolen fortune, she would have a 100% chance of rolling the most favorable result. **

**Ordinarily, this result would be almost impossibly improbable. The odds of the roll would be 1 in 16,777,216, to be specific. **

**And to be less specific, 1 in… [8^y]**

**Where y = 8. **

**[****Hee hee.****]**

Tick

Vriska, in Doc Scratch's speculation, landed a favorable roll and magic sparkles and dust flew everywhere.

Tock

And fire. It was like the day that Mindfang's fleet burned. So much fire. Doc Scratch reached for the fire alarm.

Tick

And in fact, Vriska did become Mindfang. Her dice roll had turned her into her childhood hero.

In the meantime, in Doc Scratch's apartment, Matchsticks, a member of The Felt, arrived with a fire extinguisher and sprayed the soothing lather all around the apartment.

Tock

Mindfang Vriska held up her sword against Jack's oncoming blows.

**In round two, the Slayer would be not merely compelled, but challenged, if my guess is right. **

**Challenged by one claiming godhood before reaping the prodigious spoils from striking down a formidable endgame foe. One with the guile of a cheater, the luck of a Clover, the hubris of her mentor, and the drive known only to the pathologically competitive.**

**I believe he'd be challenged, yes…**

Tick

Oh, and speaking of Clover, he was in the room too. He jumped in surprise when he saw the fire billowing around the room.

**But not outmatched. **

**As one who shares the Slayer's source of power, my projection must give him the unambiguous advantage. But even so…**

**While I continue to not be a gambling man, (That didn't stop being a thing that was true or anything.)**

Slick took his flaming-hot cane from the table, and cooled it down a bit in some lather before approaching Matchsticks, who was putting out the fire.

Tock

**I'm reasonably sure that if I was, I wouldn't bet against her.**

Jack threw the cane at Matchsticks and hit him in the back of the head, knocking him unconscious.

**Moving on.**

Clover looked on in alarm as Jack smashed Matchsticks' head repeatedly with the cane until the writhing member of The Felt was dead.

**Let's pull back from this ever narrowing dark pocket. All this uncertainty is wearing thinner than the only pair of pants in an immortal's wardrobe. **

**I've never much enjoyed navigating the vortices of alternative possibility. The path which alone has my absolute mastery is the alpha timeline, a continuum I define as that which boasts exclusive rights both to my birth and to my death, two circumstantially simultaneous events. Any divergence from this path to my knowing will taper into blackness like rotting roots. But if I was a Seer, such offshoots would be fully within my domain. And if I was a Seer of Mind in particular, synaptic causality would be my specialty. **

**A Seer of Mind would have given you a more reliable account, perhaps. But then, she would do many things I wouldn't.**

Tick

**A Seer would support her allies in battle not with her weapons, but her vision. She would sift through dross of her comrades' poor tactical inclinations and examine the grim consequences. A Seer would not charge into the fray headlong but direct it as a conductor with a baton. She would have the sight to eschew the obvious gambits, and find the path to victory disguised cleverly as setback, or even imminent defeat. She would behold the fortunes of friends and foes in totality, and appraise the contrivance of luck itself. She would know its mines were not to be plundered, but simply explored and charted carefully.**

Tock

**A true Seer would know where luck is a given, where it is absent, and most importantly, where it doesn't matter at all.**

Clover flipped a coin. On one side was the number 4, and on the other was the number 14. It would either land on him or on Quarters.

Tick

It landed on Quarters and Clover got sucked into the coin.

**And she would know victory doesn't matter in a reality where all else is doomed to fail.**

And then the coin released a member of The Felt. Quarters appeared on the other side of the room with a machine gun.

Tock

**What sort of story would this be, with our Knight and Seer made to stay cadavers? Certainly not one the alpha timeline would allow.**

Tick

**And not one she'd allow either.**

The coin that Terezi flipped landed scratch-side up and Vriska remained where she was, calmly. A sword sliced straight into her heart.

And in Doc Scratch's apartment, Quarters pumped Jack Noir full of lead.

Tock

Finally, both Slick and Serket lay dead.

Tick

Karkat approached Terezi carefully.

Tock

Karkat was holding a piece of paper.

Tick

The paper read:

**bro.**

**SLOPPY M4K3OUTS. NOW.**

**on the roof.**

**H3 H3 H3 :o]**

Tock

Karkat and Terezi weren't the only ones on the roof. Sollux, who was now wearing a bandage over his bite marks as well as Feferi's goggles, walked up, arm in arm with Kanaya, who was still glowing a bright white.

Tick

And there was Gamzee now, walking up slowly, a club in either hand. "HONK," he said.

Honk

His face was scratched and he was holding the Warhammer of Zillyhoo.

Honk

Back in Doc Scratch's apartment, Snowman entered and interrupted the timeline. She showed up just as Quarters was about to gun Slick down and stabbed him through the stomach with a lance.

Tick

Vriska had been conversing with someone on the computer, as was clear to the five trolls on the roof. They weren't interested in that, however. They feared for their lives!

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****tentacleTherapist [TT]**

**AG: John!**

**AG: You're heading into the 8lackout, so I won't 8e a8le to see you until you leave.**

**AG: 8ut don't worry, I can still sense you are there. 8ecause of awesome powers, remem8er?**

**AG: Smooth move, ditching your computer like that, 8y the way. That was some incredi8le leadership you showed!**

**AG: Now I have to contact you through Rose, thus exposing me to the risk of actually having to taaaaaaaalk to her...**

**AG: Your carelessness has put the Heroes of Light in a very awkward position, John. I hope you're satisfied.**

**AG: Hahahaha, just kidding. She's o8viously a little too "preoccupied" at the moment to 8e sassing me.**

**AG: Just 8orrow her computer and talk to me when you get the chance, ok?**

**AG: I will 8e waiting. ::::)**

Tock

**AG: ...**

**AG: ...x8**

**AG: ...x8x8x8x8x8x8x8!**

**AG: All of the dots, John. All 16.777216 million of them.**

**AG: Still dead, huh?**

**AG: Or are you too 8usy weeping over her corpse to pick up that headset and answer me?**

**AG: You can't fool me, John. I know you are not staying dead for long.**

**AG: And it is not just 8ecause I can clearly see you're alive in the future! ::::P**

**AG: You see, we are 8oth the 8est there is, and therefore we have special privileges when it comes to mortality.**

**AG: It's hard to keep a god dead for good. We can only die under very specific circumstances. Didn't I mention?**

Snowman raised the bloodied cigarette holder to her lips.

Tick. Tock.

All the while, the pendulum of death kept swinging in Doc Scratch's grandfather clock. Heroic. Just. Heroic. Just. Heroic. Just.

**AG: Nothing too glorious a8out the way you just died, I 8et.**

**AG: Let me guess, even after all my lessons, you allowed yourself to get sucker sta88ed, right? Pretty lame!**

**AG: I mean, lucky for you it was lame. I guess 8eing lame pays off when dying a hero's what gets you killed.**

**AG: If our Hero of 8reath reached god tier, he would have 8een completely indestructi8le! Lol.**

**AG: Damn, I forgot, I was going to stop ripping on that guy, since he got sta88ed through the chest and died. Haha, whoops.**

**AG: Anyway, I figure you're pro8a8ly safe from a just death too, since I'm pretty sure you haven't done anything all that despica8le.**

**AG: Yet. ::::)**

**Stop.**

**AG: I don't know for sure, 8ut I'm 8etting that if I go to fight Jack, it will wipe out all the 8ad things I've done.**

**AG: I think if I die it'll 8e a hero's death, so it ought to stick.**

**AG: Pretty good motiv8tion to win the fight though, don't you think?**

**AG: One way or another, I think this will 8e my last 8ig challenge as a gamer.**

**AG: As such, I would like to pass my dice on to you.**

**AG: It is very important to me that they stay in good hands, John. That you continue their legacy, and that of my ancestor.**

**AG: 82THE8TH**

**AG: Use the code! I'm sure I can count on you to make something awesome with it.**

**Slick… I am serious. Please stop.**

Slick approached Snowman, crowbar held in his hand. But instead of hitting her, he dropped the crowbar. She dropped her cigarette holder and they embraced.

**AG: Still not alive yet? Man.**

**AG: You 8etter hurry up! She pro8a8ly doesn't have much time left.**

**AG: Trust me, what she's going through on Derse right now isn't much fun.**

**AG: Ok, I guess I should mention why I'm trying to contact you now of all times, rather than just skipping ahead.**

**AG: Remem8er how we talked a8out your 8ackup plan? The one you have devised to defeat Jack, in the off chance I fail?**

**AG: Well, it's not going to work if Rose is dead, is it?**

**AG: You have to wake her up! 8reathe some life into her. Do the windy thing, with your lips!**

**AG: You know what that means...**

**Oh my.**

John picked up Rose's headset and read Vriska's messages.

**AG: Gotta kiss her.**

**AG: Don't worry, I still can't see you, so there is no reason to 8e 8ashful or anything.**

**AG: And since we are a couple of professionals here who are focused on winning, we 8oth know it doesn't have any meaning.**

**AG: It's not l8ke I would 8e jealous even if I could see.**

**AG: Why wo8ld I 8e?**

**AG: Or may8e that didn't even cr8ss your mind... haha.**

**AG: M8n, why am I ev8n t8lking a8out th8s.**

**Oh my, oh my, oh my. This will not do at all.**

Doc Scratch began to freak out about the caliginous hatesnog occurring in his apartment.

**AG: Let's just forget I said that. This isn't really how I wanted this convers8tion to go!**

**AG: I guess I was assuming you'd 8e talking 8ack 8y now. So now I'm just talking and talking and spinning my wheel device like an idiot.**

**AG: May8e I don't actually know how I wanted it to go.**

**AG: I guess I could just shut up and skip ahead on your timeline a little, talk to you when you're alive.**

**AG: That would make sense.**

**AG: So**

**AG: I guess**

**AG: I will do that.**

**AG: 8ut then...**

**AG: May8e if I did, I wouldn't actually say what I wanted to say.**

**AG: So**

**AG: I will just say it.**

**Pardon me while I adjust the narrow fenestrated wall,**

Doc Scratch attempted to change the viewport so that it was showing something else by banging on the fenestrated wall.

**AG: To 8e honest, I am nervous a8out this fight.**

**AG: 8ut I'm still going through with it, for a lot of reasons.**

**AG: To save my friends, or at least the ones who are still alive. Oh, and I guess to save reality itself from 8eing totally fucked up. There's that too.**

**AG: 8ut I think what's motiv8ting me to win this fight the most is...**

**AG: The possi8ility of getting to meet you when it's all over!**

**AG: May8e I can finally put all this terri8le stuff 8ehind me.**

**AG: And I won't have to worry a8out 8eing the 8est anymore, or proving what a ruthless killer I can 8e.**

**AG: May8e I can try out whatever is supposed to 8e normal for a human. Who knows, it might not 8e as 8oring as it sounds!**

**AG: May8e**

**AG: If you're not too freaked out 8y all the 8ad things I've done...**

**AG: Or the fact that I am an alien**

**AG: We could go on a d8? ::::O**

**To redirect the view from this impropriety. Oh goodness.**

Doc Scratch banged on the wall, but the image of Slick and Snowman hate snogging remained on the screen.

**AG: Don't worry, it could 8e a human d8, whatever that entails.**

**AG: No weird alien stuff, I promise! And no killing or murders, or even talking a8out killing or murders and such. Just whatever you like to talk a8out and think is cool.**

**AG: I could even 8e persu8ed to watch more of your a8surd human films.**

**AG: Do you like any others which feature that rugged human with the long hair and wounded arm?**

**AG: You know the one. The sweaty guy with the mutil8ed animal and the speech impediment.**

**AG: Those would 8e tolera8le to watch, I 8et.**

**There.**

The screen changed to an image of Jade holding a frog on LOFAF and Doc Scratch went over to the kissing carapacians and pushed them away from each other in an auspisticish way.

**AG: Well, think it over.**

**AG: 8efore I go, I'll get in touch one more time l8er on, when you're alive and may8e have something to say a8out it.**

**AG: Oh yeah...**

**AG: Sorry a8out your adult male guardian. I wasn't trying to 8e deceptive 8y not telling you.**

**AG: I decided not to, 8ecause I didn't want to 8e the one to make you sad a8out it. **

**AG: Was that selfish of me? I dunno.**

**AG: You would have found out regardless. Like we all did. There are things we care a8out that we just have to leave 8ehind.**

**AG: It just sucks for those who aren't in as much a hurry to leave it all 8ehind as me!**

**AG: W8.**

**AG: Someone's coming, hang on.**

**I am a wonderful chaperone as well as an excellent host.**

Doc Scratch shooed Snowman away and she disappeared.


	129. The Clock

Chapter 3: The Clock

On LOFAF, Dave carried two frogs as well. He was assisting Jade in her frog breeding duties.

**AG: Oh god.**

**AG: She's wearing her RP outfit! What the hell is she up to?**

**AG: Man, she's got her dum8 dragon doll and everything. Guess she means 8usiness this time.**

**AG: Dammit, I've got to go deal with this now.**

**AG: Anyway, if you actually get around to reading any of this, thanks for listening, John.**

**AG: If my outrageously gr8 luck has any say in the matter, we will 8e meeting up in no time!**

**AG: Just please consider what I said.**

**AG: Ok...**

**AG: L8r! 33333333**

Tick. Tock. Tick…

Heroic. Just. Heroic. Neither. Perfect equilibrium. But just then, Jack smashed his crowbar against the clock.

**STOP! Oh, for crying out loud.**

Jack rose out of the forge behind the two frog-catchers and landed in front of them. Dave wielded the scarlet ribbitar and Jade, one of her guns.

**Slick, I can tolerate many things from a guest. Curt manners. Egregious womanizing. Murdering the help. Casual arson. Even atrocious candy bowl etiquette.**

**STRIFE!**

Immediately, four different Daves from different time periods leaped at Jack while Jade pumped him full of lead.

**But it is the desecration of a priceless timepiece where I must draw the line. I'm afraid I must now insist that you take your beating **_**quite**_ **personally.**

Doc Scratch smashed his ~ATH scrapbook against Jack's face. Pages from the book spilled out all over the ground. Jack's hat fell off, revealing a stash of licorice scottie dogs that he'd stuffed in there not too long ago.

Break

**TT: vriska, wait!**

**TT: oops, hold on.**

**tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **ceased pestering arachnidsGrip ****[AG]**

**ectoBiologist** **[EB]** **began pestering arachnidsGrip ****[AG]**

**EB: hey, are you there?**

**EB: i did what you said...**

**EB: but i can't tell if it worked.**

**EB: hello?**

**EB: you didn't fly off to fight jack yet, did you?**

**EB: i hope not.**

**EB: anyway, all that stuff you said sounds fun to me, i have hells of the cage flicks in my library.**

**EB: i do not even care that you're an alien! you see, cage is the universal constant which unites us all.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: if you haven't flown away...**

**EB: i will look forward to your message in the future.**

**EB: it would be nice to talk, about...**

**EB: all this stuff that happened.**

**EB: anyway, bye.**

**AG: OH GOD.**

**EB: hey!**

**AG: OH MY FUCKING HELL, THIS IS SO INSANELY AWKWARD AND SAD.**

**EB: what is?**

**AG: HANG ON**

**arachnidsGrip** **[AG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

Doc Scratch bent the book over Jack's head, ripping it in half. A waterfall of blood and broken teeth spewed from the carapacian's mouth.

Heads.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist** **[EB]**

**CG: HEY.**

**EB: karkat!**

**EB: that was you?**

**EB: where is vriska?**

**CG: SHE**

**EB: she what?**

**CG: SHIT**

**CG: I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE FOR READING THIS WHOLE THING.**

**EB: what whole thing?**

**EB: you mean, what she wrote?**

**CG: YEAH**

**EB: why are you snooping around her computer!**

**CG: BECAUSE**

**CG: WOW OK**

**CG: SO LET ME ASK.**

**CG: DID YOU BOTH ACTUALLY LIKE EACH OTHER.**

**EB: um...**

**CG: LIKE I MEAN SOMETHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING ACTUAL GENUINE MUTUAL SENTIMENT OR WHATEVER, NOT SOME LOPSIDED PINING BULLSHIT.**

**EB: what are you talking about?**

**CG: DID YOU LIKE HER, YOU WINDSOCK HEADED SHITMOUTH.**

**CG: IS WHAT I'M ASKING**

**EB: well...**

**EB: yeah. why?**

**CG: OK**

**CG: THAT'S FINE**

**CG: THEN**

**CG: WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.**

**EB: talk about what?**

**CG: I NEED YOU TO BE ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT.**

**CG: WE HAVE IMPORTANT SHIT TO GO OVER, AND I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.**

Dave pulled Jade back and whispered something in her ears. She nodded, and Dave leaped over Bec Noir. Together, they used the fraymotif "Adagio Redshift". A significant portion of Bec's hit points drained away.

Doc Scratch punched Slick hard in the head and the carapacian flew up, hit his head on the ceiling, and fell back to the floor.

And so on.

**EB: alright.**

**EB: like what?**

**CG: PLANS.**

**EB: what plans?**

**CG: NEVER MIND THAT. FIRST, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING BLACKOUT TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN SEE YOU.**

**CG: LEAVE NOW, I'LL CONTACT YOU IN A WHILE, ONCE YOU'VE LANDED.**

**EB: landed where?**

**CG: LOHAC. OBVIOUSLY.**

**EB: oh, obviously.**

**CG: WELL HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO CAUSE THE SCRATCH, IDIOT.**

**CG: DO YOU EVEN HAVE ANY CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON?**

**CG: WAIT, OF COURSE YOU DON'T, YOU ARE WEARING PAJAMAS AND GIGGLING AT CLOUDS LIKE EACH ONE WAS SHAPED LIKE THE RUDEST BIT OF NAKED ANATOMY A HUMAN CAN RECOGNIZE.**

**EB: no i'm not!**

**EB: i mean, yes, i am wearing some pretty nice pajamas.**

**EB: but i know lots of things, like about the tumor, which i have already recovered...**

**EB: wait, i mean color=000000the tumor/color**

**EB: wait, fuck.**

**EB: i mean...**

**EB: oh screw it, you know, the big bomb, and some other stuff like that, i am totally in the loop.**

**CG: GREAT, AWESOME, NOW GET GOING.**

**EB: so i have to cause the scratch, huh?**

**CG: OK, I'M DONE HERE. TALK TO YOU IN ONE SECOND FOR ME, ONE LONG WINDY FUCKING JOURNEY FOR YOU.**

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling ectoBiologist ****[EB]**

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling ectoBiologist** **[EB]**

**CG: OK**

**EB: hi!**

The entirety of LOFAF shook from the sheer force of the fraymotif.

**You let me down, Slick.**

**CG: LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.**

**EB: aren't you going to ask me how my journey was?**

**CG: NO.**

**EB: it was long! and windy. but a lot of fun.**

**EB: i really like flying, it's so much fun.**

**CG: OH, I BET IT IS JUST THE BIGGEST FUCKING BLAST A GUY CAN HAVE WITHOUT A PAIR OF SHAME GLOBES SECURED IN HIS TWO TREMBLING FISTS.**

**EB: you... haven't tried it?**

**CG: EVERY DOUCHE GOT TO FLY BUT ME, EVEN THE CRIPPLE.**

**CG: MAY HE REST IN PEACE, I FUCKING GUESS.**

**EB: :\**

**EB: wait, is that the guy who vriska killed?**

**CG: OH GOD, YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT?**

**CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I GIVE THE FUCK UP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU AND HER.**

**EB: haha, why?**

**CG: EGBERT, GOD DAMNIT. WILL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LISTEN?**

**EB: ok.**

**EB: but...**

**EB: is something wrong?**

**CG: WHAT**

**EB: a while ago you talked to me and it sounded like you were in danger, and it sounds like some people died, but you never told me what happened!**

**EB: then i got distracted by a lot of crazy stuff.**

**CG: YEAH, SOMETHING IS WRONG**

**CG: OR, WAS.**

**CG: A BUNCH OF US DIED, THE END.**

**CG: I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.**

**EB: oh.**

**EB: are you sure?**

**CG: YES, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE, OH, THE CLOCK IS RAPIDLY TICKING DOWN TO SOMETHING WE'RE CALLING THE CRITICAL MOMENT, AND NO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, SO CLOSE YOUR REEKING QUESTION GEYSER BEFORE IT ASKS.**

**EB: but, i'm your friend. aren't i?**

**CG: OH GOD.**

**EB: well?**

**CG: JOHN, I CAN'T HANDLE TALKING ABOUT IT, OK.**

**CG: I JUST GOT DONE**

**CG: UH**

**CG: DEALING WITH GAMZEE**

**CG: AND I'M FEELING PRETTY EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT. SO PLEASE, NO.**

**EB: who is gamzee?**

**CG: HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.**

**EB: really? i thought terezi was your best friend.**

**EB: or wait, maybe she was your girlfriend, i forget...**

**CG: MY THINK PAN, IT HURTS**

**CG: IT IS PRESENTLY THREATENING TO MAKE ME ITS BITCH, JOHN. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?**

**CG: DO YOU WANT YOUR COOL ALIEN PAL TO BECOME THE BITCH OF A RAW, THROBBING THINK PAN?**

**CG: SUCH IS THE SCENARIO BEFORE US.**

**EB: sorry, i don't mean to be nosy. i just want to know some things about your situation!**

**EB: i am concerned.**

**CG: GAMZEE WAS MY VERY GOOD FRIEND, WHO WAS THIS GOOFY LOVEABLE BULLSHIT CLOWN UNTIL HE WENT PSYCHO AND KILLED SOME PEOPLE. I LIKED HIM A LOT.**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS MY BEST FRIEND IS REALLY JUST THE GUY WHO I HAPPEN TO BE FEELING MOST SENTIMENTAL TO AT THE MOMENT, IS THAT A FUCKING CRIME.**

**EB: heh, no.**

**EB: i think i know how you feel.**

**EB: so he killed some people... and then what?**

**CG: SO THEN I**

**EB: it's ok, you can tell me.**

**CG: JOHN, TRUST ME. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.**

**CG: IT'S JUST A TROLL THING, HUMANS WOULDN'T GET IT.**

**CG: YOU MIGHT THINK I WAS A SHIT HEAD, AND I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT NOW ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, SO LET'S DROP IT.**

**EB: hmm.**

**EB: ok, if you say so.**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: i can't believe i almost forgot, i've been dying to know since i left the battlefield...**

**EB: do you know if rose is ok?**

**EB: did it work?**

Slick went flying out the window of Doc Scratch's apartment.

**I thought I could rely on you of all people.**

Once the fraymotif was over, Jade picked up her gun again and began to shoot Jack.

Slick hit the ground and skidded to a stop, bloody. Doc Scratch removed a gun from its holster on his belt and pointed it at SS.

**To do what it is you do best.**

**CG: SHE'S FINE.**

**CG: SHE WOKE UP ALIVE ON DERSE.**

**EB: really?**

**CG: THAT'S THE RULE, JOHN. YOU KISS A DEAD PLAYER IN TIME, AND THEIR DREAM SELF TAKES OVER, ASSUMING THEY STILL HAVE ONE.**

**EB: oh, wow.**

**CG: IT'S INCREDIBLE YOU REACHED GOD TIER STATUS WITHOUT EVEN UNDERSTANDING THE MORE MUNDANE MEANS OF RESURRECTION AVAILABLE.**

**CG: WAIT, YOUR UNFAILING CLUELESSNESS MAKES IT THE OPPOSITE OF INCREDIBLE, MY MISTAKE.**

**EB: so, i guess...**

**EB: it would not have worked on my dad then?**

**EB: or rose's mom... :(**

**CG: NO, BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO PICTURE HAPPENING BEHIND THE BLACK CURTAIN, JOHN.**

**CG: YOU SNOGGING UP YOUR DEAD HATTED MAN LUSUS. THANK YOU FOR THAT MENTAL IMAGE.**

**CG: OR ROSE'S ADULT WOMAN LUSUS. MAYBE A DEAD WOMAN SWEEPS YOUR SENIOR IS MORE YOUR CUP OF SAUCE, SINCE APPARENTLY YOU ARE "NOT A HOMOSEXUAL", WHATEVER THAT EVEN MEANS, NOT EVEN TO SPEAK OF YOUR RACE'S ABSURD QUALMS WITH THE NOTION OF INCEST, WHICH AGAIN, STILL SORT OF WONDERING HOW THAT CAN EVEN BE A THING.**

**EB: er...**

**CG: IS THAT YOUR GAME, EGBERT. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR EYE ON MADAME LALONDE, AND YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A CONVENIENT RESURRECTION OPPORTUNITY TO BUST OUT YOUR MOST PASSIONATE SMOOCHMOTIFS KEPT IN RESERVE? AND IN FRONT OF HER DEAD FEMALE "OFFSPRING" NO LESS! JUST SHAMEFUL.**

**EB: well...**

**EB: she is a very pretty lady, but that seems like a really inappropriate thing to think about, karkat.**

**CG: YOU DON'T SAY!**

**CG: WHAT ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT ANYMORE**

**EB: i don't know!**

**EB: i am frankly pretty upset about finding them dead in the magic castle, and i guess i was wondering aloud if something could have been done.**

**EB: or at least maybe to talk about it, without angry tirades being involved.**

**CG: EXACTLY, YOU WERE EMBARKING DOWN TRAGEDY LANE, AND WE'VE GOT TO STAMP THAT GARBAGE OUT.**

**CG: WE CAN'T HAVE YOU GETTING ALL MOROSE WHILE WE'VE GOT SO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE.**

**CG: FUCK, LOADED PHRASE, FORGET I SAID THAT.**

**CG: JUST CLAM YOUR SHIT UP AND FORGET YOUR STUPID GUARDIAN, LIKE I DID WITH MY DEAR CRAB MONSTER CUSTODIAN, WHO I ADORED IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER.**

**EB: you are being a douche!**

**EB: wait, what am i saying, you are always a douche, hehe.**

**CG: YES, THANK YOU.**

**EB: heheheheh, your dad was a crab monster?**

**CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.**

**CG: WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.**

**CG: ROSE, REMEMBER.**

**EB: yes.**

**CG: SHE IS WAITING ON DERSE FOR YOUR BOMB TO BE DELIVERED.**

**CG: IT WILL ARRIVE SAFELY, A LITTLE LATER.**

**EB: oh, great!**

**EB: how do you know it gets there?**

**CG: JADE TOLD ME.**

Jade shot Jack repeatedly. All the while, Jack was in two places at once. Using his first guardian energy, he was projecting his bullets through to the other side. When the bullets passed through, they hit Dave. So in fact, Jade was shooting Dave.

Doc Scratch pointed the gun at Slick's head.


	130. Slip of the Tongue

Chapter 4: Slip of the Tongue

**CG: JADE FROM FURTHER AHEAD ON YOUR TIMELINE.**

**CG: BEFORE MY PIECE OF SHIT CLOWN-BRO MADE EVERYTHING TERRIBLE HERE, SHE AND I WERE HAMMERING OUT THESE PLANS.**

**CG: I TALKED TO HER ACROSS PRETTY MUCH THE FULL SPREAD OF HER TIMELINE, UNTIL THE SCRATCH STARTS AND THE FEED CUTS OUT.**

**CG: SO I HAVE A SENSE OF THE WHOLE PICTURE HERE, AND IT'S MY JOB NOW TO PUT SOME THINGS INTO MOTION.**

**EB: that's cool!**

**EB: it's nice to hear you are working together. i should pester jade and see what she's up too...**

**CG: YOU SHOULD SIT YOUR ASS TIGHT AND DO THE FUCK WHAT I TELL YOU THE FUCK TO FUCKING DO.**

**EB: oh...**

**CG: ANYWAY, SHE AND DAVE DO A LOT OF FROG BREEDING, ACCELERATING THE PROCESS SIGNIFICANTLY BY EXPLOITING TIME TRAVEL, WITH HELP FROM ME AND KANAYA, SINCE WE WERE IN CHARGE OF FROG DUTIES IN OUR SESSION.**

**EB: frog duties?**

**EB: wait, which one is kanaya again?**

**CG: DON'T INTERRUPT, I AM FOLLOWING A TRAIN OF THOUGHT.**

**CG: OK, KANAYA IS MY OTHER BEST FRIEND, AND SHE WAS THE HERO OF SPACE LIKE JADE WHICH MEANS SHE'S THE STOKER OF THE FORGE AND IS BASICALLY IN CHARGE OF FROGS, WHICH SOUNDS RETARDED, I KNOW. YOU BREED THE RIGHT FROG TO MAKE THE UNIVERSE YOU WANT TO MAKE, WHICH IS A LONG ARDUOUS PROCESS AND I KIND OF FUCKED IT UP IN MY GAME, BUT THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER STORY WHICH I'LL GET TO LATER, OK?**

**EB: wow. ok.**

**CG: SHE AND DAVE RAN INTO JACK, WHICH I'M SURE HE MUST HAVE SAW COMING BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE EXPLOIT TIME TRAVEL SO SHAMELESSLY AS HIM, NOT EVEN ARADIA.**

**EB: aradia?**

**CG: JUST ANOTHER DEAD TROLL, WHO CARES.**

**EB: :(**

**CG: STOP FROWNING, SHE WAS ALREADY DEAD BEFORE SHE DIED.**

**EB: ...**

**EB: :(**

**CG: SO SHE AND DAVE FOUGHT WITH HIM A WHILE, AND LONG STORY SHORT, HE DIED.**

**EB: what!**

**CG: BUT IT'S FINE, I GUESS THAT WAS HIS PLAN, LIKE SOME BIZARRE USELESS LAST STAND, EVEN IF HE DIDN'T TELL JADE WHO WAS PRETTY FREAKED OUT UNTIL I TALKED HER THROUGH IT.**

**EB: did she kiss him too? :O**

Jade bent over Dave's bloody body. Jack watched, his emotions unreadable.

**You are not supposed to kiss her, Mr. Noir.**

**YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KILL HER!**

Doc Scratch handed the gun to Jack.

**CG: YEAH.**

**CG: RIGHT THERE, WHILE JACK WATCHED LIKE A FUCKING CREEP.**

**CG: BUT IT WORKED.**

**EB: omg, karkat. it is like your shitty shipping grid is coming true before our very eyes.**

**EB: haha, remember when you made that ugly thing?**

**CG: WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT SHIPPING, OR MY LUDICROUS STRANGLEHOLD OVER ALL TOPICS CONCERNING ROMANCE, I'M STILL TALKING.**

**CG: HE WOKE UP ALIVE ON DERSE, AND MET WITH ROSE.**

**CG: THAT WAS THE END OF THE LINE FOR ALPHA DAVE. TO MY KNOWLEDGE, HE DOESN'T TIME TRAVEL AFTER THAT, AND HE AND ROSE STAY ON DERSE WAITING FOR THE BOMB UNTIL YOU START THE SCRATCH. BUT I CAN'T SEE EITHER OF THEM BECAUSE OF THE BLACKOUT LINGERING AROUND ROSE FOR WHATEVER REASON. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S UP WITH THAT.**

**CG: REGARDLESS, HIS JOB IS TO PLOT A COURSE THROUGH THE RING TO FIND THE SUN.**

**CG: WHEN HE DOES, EITHER HE OR ROSE WILL DELIVER THE BOMB.**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW WHICH.**

**Now leave, and never darken my door again.**

Doc Scratch teleported back into his apartment and shook his head.

**Will you look at this mess.**

**EB: but now they don't have dream selves left!**

**EB: who ever goes will be risking their life for good, won't they?**

**CG: THAT WOULD BE THE LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THOSE FACTS, YES.**

**EB: this is unacceptable!**

**EB: couldn't i do it?**

**EB: i am apparently immortal, because of this god tier business, so the bomb probably would not kill me!**

**CG: OK, BUT DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S A REMOTE POSSIBILITY THAT GOING ON A SUICIDE MISSION TO SAVE ALL OF REALITY WOULD COUNT AS A HEROIC DEATH?**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: maybe i could try to be not all that brave while i do it?**

**CG: YOU ASSHOLE, OF COURSE YOU'D BE BRAVE. THAT TENDS TO BE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING COURAGEOUS.**

**EB: yeah.**

**EB: i just don't want to lose anybody else is all.**

**CG: THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. I'VE LOST FRIENDS FOR WAY MORE POINTLESS REASONS. YOU'RE ALL OUT OF OPTIONS HERE.**

**CG: YOU'D BE RISKING DEATH JUST AS MUCH AS THEY WOULD, AND THEY'RE BETTER QUALIFIED TO HANDLE THE MISSION AS THE DERSE DREAMERS.**

**CG: JADE'S DREAM SELF IS DEAD TOO, SO SHE'S OUT. OR TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, HER DREAM SELF IS AN OVERLY EMOTIONAL DOG WHO WENT OFF WHIMPERING SOMEWHERE. I'M PRETTY SURE SHE WILL BE COMPLETELY USELESS.**

**EB: oh, yeah.**

**EB: she mentioned something about that. she said she prototyped her dream self? what happened with that?**

**CG: SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT. KIND OF A SORE SUBJECT.**

**EB: why?**

**CG: SHE THINKS SHE'S SELFISH AND COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL AND I GUESS HATES THE PART OF HERSELF SHE REPRESENTS.**

**CG: BUT I MEAN, THE THING IS SHE SPENT A LONG TIME BEING DEAD AND MOVING ON, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN JUST BRING SOMEBODY BACK AND EXPECT THEM TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL THE STUFF YOU THINK IS IMPORTANT.**

**CG: I'VE TRIED TO TELL HER THAT HER SPRITE SELF IS PROBABLY NOWHERE NEAR AS DESPICABLE AS SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH HERSELF TO BE.**

**CG: I MEAN**

**CG: MAKING HERSELF OUT TO BE.**

**CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.**

**EB: ...**

**CG: LOOK, I'M JUST SAYING**

**CG: WE'VE ALL GOT FLAWS, EVEN HER**

**CG: AND FOR ALL THE SHIT SHE'S GIVEN ME ON THIS VERY SUBJECT, SHE KEEPS HERSELF DANGLING FROM A VERY HIGH HOOK.**

**CG: SHE'D BE DOING ME A MAJOR PERSONAL SOLID BY MAKING AT LEAST SOME ATTEMPT TO GET HERSELF OFF.**

**CG: WAIT**

**CG: FUCK**

**CG: WHAT DID I JUST SAY**

**EB: wow.**

**CG: I MEANT LET HERSELF OFF.**

**CG: THE HOOK. THE FUCKING HOOK, IT'S A FIGURE OF GODDAMN SPEECH.**

**EB: /raises eyebrows**

**CG: PUT THOSE THE BACK DOWN, BEFORE MY HOT ACID RAGEBREATH BURNS THEM OFF YOUR IDIOTIC FACE.**

**EB: ok, i am putting them back down as not suggestively as possible.**

**CG: WHAT WERE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT, IT WASN'T THIS, WHATEVER THIS IS.**

**EB: what is what this is?**

**CG: IT'S NOTHING, YOU SHIT. IT HAS BEEN THE CONVERSATIONAL EQUIVALENT OF US WHISTLING THROUGH OUR SNORT BARRELS WHILE TOUCHING EACH OTHER INAPPROPRIATELY.**

**EB: was...**

**EB: was that another weird erotic slip of the tongue?**

**CG: NO, THAT WAS ME BEING WORKED UP INTO THIS RIDICULOUS FUCKING CONNIPTION AND SAYING SOMETHING INFLAMMATORY, GOD. HOW DOES THAT NOT BE CLEAR BY NOW?**

**EB: ok, well,**

**EB: what i am getting from this, aside from the possibility that jade may or may not have kissed dog jade at some point, is that neither of them will be able to help with the bomb plan.**

**CG: THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT! THE PAJAMA PRODIGY USED HIS PUZZLE SPONGE TODAY.**

**CG: BESIDES, JADE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE PLAN.**

**CG: FOR ONE THING, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR HER TO SEND YOU THE CODE FOR THE QUILLS.**

**CG: YOU CAN'T SCRATCH THE MESA WITHOUT THEM.**

**CG: SHE GOT THEM FROM HER DENIZEN, OR WILL LATER ON HER TIMELINE, NOW THAT SHE LIT THE FORGE AND WOKE THE MONSTER UP.**

**EB: aren't those the really tough to kill guys?**

**CG: YEAH**

**EB: did she kill him?**

**CG: HELL IF I KNOW, HER EXPLANATION OF THE ENTIRE ENCOUNTER BOILED DOWN TO AND I QUOTE "****shenanigans****"**

**CG: LIMED FOR INFURIATINGLY VAGUE.**

**EB: haha.**

**CG: ANYWAY, AFTER SHE GIVES THAT TO YOU, SHE THEN HAS TO GO THROUGH WITH THE REST OF THE PLAN, WHICH IS MAKING SURE YOU ALL SURVIVE AFTER THE SCRATCH, MINUS ONE OF THE DERSE DREAMERS OF COURSE.**

**CG: THE PLAN REVOLVES AROUND SOME REALLY BAFFLING HAND WAVEY MUMBO JUMBO WHICH I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND, BUT SHE TOLD ME TO TRUST HER ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE INFO COMES FROM A "****Reliable informant.****"**

**CG: WHITENED FOR SMUG TOOL.**

**CG: IT INVOLVES SOMETHING TO DO WITH A YELLOW LAWN RING.**

**CG: WHICH ISN'T THE HUMAN WORD FOR IT, IT'S JUST YOUR WORD IS SO DUMB I FEEL DUMB SAYING IT.**

**EB: word for what?**

**CG: I GUESS YOUR ENTIRE ESCAPE PLAN SOMEHOW PIVOTS CRITICALLY AROUND AN UNWATERED PIECE OF RESIDENTIAL PROPERTY?**

**CG: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT MEANS. JADE SAYS SHE HAS THIS FIGURED OUT, AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO MUCH BUT TRUST HER.**

**CG: THE POINT IS, SHE'S ALL BOOKED UP, AND ALL TOO MORTAL. SO SHE WON'T BE DELIVERING THE BOMB, AND NEITHER WILL YOU.**

**EB: ok, well what about this.**

**EB: since she is mortal, and i am not (sort of), and i don't need to do the scratch for a while, can i go help her?**

**EB: maybe she could use some protection? maybe that is what dave was just trying to do, when he temporarily died.**

**EB: remember, jack is still on the loose! he has killed rose and dave once, and me twice.**

**CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO.**

**CG: SWEET BLEEDING JEGUS, EGBERT, YOU KEEP BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR IMMORTALITY, AND THEN BRAINLESSLY ANNOUNCE PLANS TO GO OFF AND DO SOMETHING HEROIC! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE SHORTEST LIFESPAN OF ANY IMMORTAL IN HISTORY.**

**EB: sorry. :(**

**CG: BESIDES, IT'S A TOTAL NON ISSUE. JACK WOULDN'T HESITATE TO STAB YOU AGAIN, BUT HE WON'T HURT JADE FOR SOME REASON.**

**CG: IF ANYTHING, YOU COULD USE HER PROTECTION.**

**EB: really?**

**CG: I NEVER NOTICED WHEN LOOKING THROUGH HER TIMELINE EARLIER. IT WASN'T UNTIL I WAS TALKING TO HER IN THOSE TIMEFRAMES AND SHE TOLD ME. HE JUST KEEPS FOLLOWING HER AROUND. I CAN SEE HIM OFF IN THE DISTANCE IN SOME FRAMES, JUST LURKING THERE, SHADOWING HER MOVEMENTS. IT'S INCREDIBLY DISTURBING.**

**CG: HE LINGERS AROUND HER UNTIL THE SCRATCH BEGINS AND I LOSE THE FEED, NEVER ONCE DOING ANYTHING THREATENING. SHE SAYS SHE THINKS IT'S BECAUSE JACK INHERITED LOYALTY OF HER LUSUS.**

**CG: IF SHE'S RIGHT, I GUESS HER LUSUS REALLY DID OFFER HER THE MOST PROTECTION POSSIBLE BY PROTOTYPING ITSELF, ALBEIT BY DOOMING US ALL. THE IDIOT.**

**EB: d'aw, that's actually kinda cute.**

**CG: SADLY, HE HOLDS NO SUCH LOYALTY TO ANY OF US HERE. HE REGARDS US ALL AS RIPE FOR THE REPEATED SKEWERING.**

**CG: OH FUCK, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE ALL JUST DRESSED LIKE JADE? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS STROKE OF GENIUS ONLY OCCURRED TO ME NOW.**

**EB: i don't think he would be fooled. dogs have pretty good senses of smell.**

**CG: IT WAS**

**CG: A MOTHERFUCKING**

**CG: JOKE**

**CG: ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE.**

**CG: IF WE CAN RIDE THIS OUT FOR A LITTLE LONGER UNTIL THE CRITICAL MOMENT, AND DAVE/ROSE CAN DESTROY THE SUN, JACK SHOULDN'T BE A THREAT.**

**CG: CONVENIENTLY, IF THEY'RE SUCCESSFUL, THAT WILL SIGNAL THE BEGINNING OF OUR OWN ESCAPE PLAN.**

**EB: what is your plan?**

**CG: APPARENTLY THE EXPLOSION WILL BE SO HUGE, IT WILL BE VISIBLE AT GREAT DISTANCES THROUGHOUT THE FURTHEST RING.**

**CG: EVEN FROM DIFFERENT SESSIONS, LIKE YOURS AND OURS. YOU WON'T GET TO SEE IT BECAUSE BY THEN YOUR SESSION SHOULD BE WIPED OUT BY THE SCRATCH.**

**CG: BUT WE WILL. THE PLAN IS TO USE IT AS A BEACON, AND TRAVEL THERE AS A RENDEZVOUS POINT.**

**EB: rendezvous with who?**

**CG: WE'VE GOT PEOPLE THERE. THAT'S WHAT JADE TELLS ME.**

**EB: jade knows so many things lately, what is even her deal?**

**CG: HELL IF I KNOW, THIS IS BASICALLY DREAM INTELLIGENCE, EVERY TIME SHE GOES TO SLEEP, SHE HAS MORE TO RAMBLE ABOUT.**

**CG: SHE SAYS I SHOULD GO TO SLEEP TO FIND OUT, BUT I'M LIKE HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NAPPING BETWEEN MAKING ALL THESE PLANS AND GETTING PERSECUTED BY THIS DEMENTED HONKING ASSHOLE?**

**CG: SO YEAH, WE'LL MEET IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE EXPLOSION WITH OUR PEOPLE ON THE INSIDE, OR I GUESS I SHOULD SAY OUTSIDE.**

**CG: I DON'T THINK THEY CAN COME WITH US THOUGH.**

**EB: come with you where? who are they?**

**CG: DEAD PEOPLE.**

**CG: AS FOR WHERE, IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING TO STICK AROUND THERE FOREVER. THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE DEPRESSING, SINCE WE'RE NOT FUCKING GHOSTS.**

**CG: THE SCRATCH WILL REBOOT YOUR SESSION. YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE ACTUALLY. SO SOMEWHERE IN THIS DREADFUL ABYSS, THAT NEW SESSION WILL START UP IN ITS OWN INCIPISPHERE, FROM SCRATCH.**

**CG: LOOK AT THAT, ANOTHER PUN BECAUSE OF USING THAT FUCKING WORD EVERY OTHER SENTENCE! KILL ME NOW.**

**CG: BUT THAT "FROM SCRATCH" (F'ING LOL!) SESSION IS WHAT YOU'RE SHOOTING FOR TO SURVIVE.**

**CG: THE IDEA IS FOR YOU ALL TO PRESERVE YOURSELVES BY ESCAPING THERE.**

**EB: through the lawn ring?**

**CG: YES.**

**CG: ONCE YOU'RE THERE, YOU WILL HELP US FIND OUR WAY THERE TOO, AND THEN WE CAN ALL FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK TO DO WITH THE REST OF OUR LIVES.**

**EB: oh!**

**EB: so then, this is how we're supposed to meet. that is kind of exciting.**

**CG: YEAH, I GUESS, IF ENOUGH OF US ARE ALIVE BY THEN TO MEET.**

**EB: so, i guess you are not worried about it turning into a huge sloppy makeout fest anymore...**

**CG: UH**

**CG: RIGHT! HAHAHA, JOHN, YOU AND VRISKA BETTER KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELVES, OR EVERYONE'S GOING TO BE REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. NO INTERSPECIES FUNNYBUSINESS, IS THAT CLEAR!**

**CG: BLAAAAAAARGH, I AM CONVINCINGLY FLIPPING MY LID ABOUT THIS, WAVING MY ARMS AROUND A LOT, AND MAKING ALL MY BEST YELLING FACES. WOW, LOOK AT THAT! IT'S TIME TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT AGAIN.**

**EB: huh?**

**CG: POOF! SUBJECT CHANGED.**

**CG: IF IT WORKS AND YOU WIND UP IN THE NEW SESSION, THAT'S WHY IT'LL BE IMPORTANT TO MAKE SURE ONE OF THE DERSE DREAMERS STAYS WITH YOU, SO THEY CAN HELP GUIDE US THERE FROM THE RING.**

**EB: won't there be other players in the new session?**

**EB: like, alternate universe versions of ourselves or such?**

**CG: PROBABLY.**

**CG: BUT THOSE CHUMPS WON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT US, OR ALL OUR PLANS. WHY WOULD THEY?**

**EB: yeah... it's just kind of a weird thought.**

**CG: SO OUT OF EVERYTHING WE JUST TALKED ABOUT, THIS IS THE THING THAT HAS YOU TRIPPING GLOBES? WHATEVER YOU SAY!**

**EB: but i guess it's sort of comforting too.**

**EB: if rose or dave have to go off and die, at least i get to see them again, in a way.**

**EB: even if i will only be alternate universe john to them.**

**EB: maybe my dad will be alive in that session too!**

**CG: OK, MAYBE, BUT BEFORE YOU GET TOO EXCITED ABOUT THAT, YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET THERE FIRST.**

**CG: WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY, AND STICK TO THE PLAN.**

**CG: YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON GETTING READY TO START THE SCRATCH. THE GAME DOESN'T MAKE A HARD RESET THAT EASY TO PULL OFF.**

**CG: ONCE YOU INITIATE IT, THE GAME THROWS EVERYTHING IT'S GOT AT YOU. WHICH IS ONE REASON WHY YOU'RE THE BEST GUY FOR THE JOB, BECAUSE OF YOUR SUPERPOWERS AND SILLY WINDY BULLSHIT.**

**EB: ok. i'll do my best.**

**EB: what should i do right now?**

**CG: GET PREPARED, MAKE ALL THE EQUIPMENT YOU THINK YOU'LL NEED, STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.**

**CG: WAIT FOR JADE TO SEND THAT CODE, WAIT FOR ME TO CONTACT YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME, AND DO YOUR BEST TO HUMOR HIM WHILE HE IGNORANTLY ATTEMPTS TO FLAME YOU BACK INTO THE PUDDLE OF SLIME YOU CRAWLED OUT OF.**

**CG: PLEASE.**

**EB: oh, man.**

**EB: our "first" conversation ever? i can't wait.**

**CG: YEAH, BUT CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING IN MY DEFENSE BEFORE THAT HAPPENS?**

**CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY HATE YOU, AND I NEVER DID. I WAS DELUDING MYSELF.**

**CG: DEEP DOWN I'M SURE I WAS ALWAYS PRETTY OK WITH YOU.**

**EB: thanks karkat!**

**CG: IT WASN'T A FUCKING COMPLIMENT.**

**This scrapbook is now in hopeless disarray. Feel free to examine the clippings while I tidy.**


	131. Clippings

Chapter 5: Clippings

Anything? We can look at anything? Okay. Let's see what this is all about. Jaspersprite and Nepeta having a conversation on the computer.

**AC: :33 jaspers i guess i should say furwell to you now :((**

**JASPERSPRITE: Why nepeta?**

**AC: :33 beclaws this is the end of your timeline and i dont know what catpuns to you after this**

**AC: :33 i mean happens to you after this, heheh, that one was kind of obtuse, sorry**

**JASPERSPRITE: Whats a timeline? :3**

**AC: :33 hmmmmmm thats a hard question**

**AC: :33 ok imagine a long tempting strand of yarn**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes! Oh yes so great.**

**AC: :33 now imagine instead of being made of wiggly enticing stuff, its made of what lets you exist**

**AC: :33 and you are right at the twitching tip of it, dont you s33? look at the sky!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow yes i see the sky and can tell that indeed something is going on.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But aside from that i dont really understand what you said being a cat and all.**

**AC: :33 thats fine, you dont have to try too hard**

**AC: :33 all you have to know is its the scratch and im not a hundred purrcent sure what happens next fur you**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr i still think its nice how you slip cat things in the things you say youre so clever and wonderful nepeta!**

**AC: :33 h33h33h33 :DD**

**JASPERSPRITE: Whats the scratch? :3**

**AC: :33 well you know roses friend john?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes of course!**

**AC: :33 imagine that he is using this great big circle like a really fun scratching post, and it makes all this light come out that changes everything**

**AC: :33 just after he starts doing that the sky goes funny everywhere and then i cant s33 you anymore**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes. :3**

**AC: :33 thats what it is**

**JASPERSPRITE: I think i understand that completely!**

**AC: :33 im a bit nervous for you, especially since you remind me so much of someone i already lost**

**AC: :33 but maybe youll be ok? i dont know**

**JASPERSPRITE: Im not worried nepeta so you shouldnt either its not as if i have never died before.**

**AC: :33 you are a brave kitty, just like pounce was 33**

**JASPERSPRITE: Pounce was a cat like me?**

**AC: :33 yes! she was amazing, i bet you and she would have gotten along famousely**

**JASPERSPRITE: Ooh i bet youre right! Purr purr.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Was she nice to sniff?**

**AC: :33 yes she smelled really good, and also, she was SUPER beautyifful.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Wow!**

**AC: :33 did you ever have someone nice back on earth who you loved?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Rose! I loved rose. :3**

**AC: :33 h33h33, of course you did. i mean a nice cat who was your matesprit?**

**JASPERSPRITE: There was a time i remember i was thinking about girl cats a lot for some reason.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I would saunter around the house making all these big meows and looking out the windows with my nose touching the glass.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But then roses mom took me to this place where i was scared to be for a while and then when i was at home again i didnt do the meows anymore.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I guess i didnt think about the girl cats after that which is just as well because none ever came to the windows really not even when i did my biggest meows.**

**AC: :33 thats too bad**

**AC: :33 but i bet lots of girl cats would have loved to be with you, if only there had b33n some around to hear your lovely meows :33**

**JASPERSPRITE: Youre really nice to say so nepeta what about you though?**

**AC: :33 me?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes. :3**

**AC: :33 well**

**AC: :33 i have never told anybody this not even my moirail**

**AC: :33 heh, actually hes the LAST guy i might tell, he so wouldnt appurrve X33**

**AC: :33 but yes i have liked somebody for quite some time, but alas he doesnt know it**

**JASPERSPRITE: What dont you tell him?**

**AC: :33 hmmmmm**

**JASPERSPRITE: Maybe you can win his affection by rubbing your cheek against him thats what i would do.**

**AC: :33 ohhh no no no, im too shy even for that!**

**AC: :33 and he is so adorably grumpy all the time, it probably wouldnt go over well**

**AC: :33 its hard to explain, maybe cats think diffurntly, but trolls tend to be pretty cautious about expressing their f33lings when it comes to the flushed quadrant**

**JASPERSPRITE: Whats a quadrant?**

**AC: :33 it is**

**AC: :33 ummmmmmmm**

**AC: :33 okay it has romantic applications but it is also something more general than that**

**AC: :33 a quadrant is**

**AC: :33 how do i say this!**

**JASPERSPRITE: :3**

**AC: :33 a quadrant is a thing in a group of things that consists of four similar things**

**JASPERSPRITE: Like paws?**

**AC: :33 EXACTLY like paws! :DD**

**JASPERSPRITE: I see thats really easy to get.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I think you should tell him that you like him you might not get the chance if you dont.**

**JASPERSPRITE: For instance i think instead of meowing at windows i should have just scurried out a door before it could close!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Then i might have found a girl cat to sniff oh well. :3**

**AC: :33 i know, but its just not that simple. i could make someone else jealous i think, and what if he doesnt f33l the same way, and, urrgh, its so complickated**

**AC: :33 maybe i just n33d to let go of the silly infatuation**

**AC: :33 i think its never going to happen honestly**

**JASPERSPRITE: You shouldnt lose hope!**

**JASPERSPRITE: I have another story that might give you hope even though it should be noted again that im only a cat.**

**AC: :33 oh?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes one time i was with rose and i was sitting there dressed up in my suit with her as happy as can be.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But then she disappeared!**

**JASPERSPRITE: The whole place disappeared and i was in another place. There was no rose there was someone else.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I guess i loved her too in time but never as much as rose it just wasnt the same.**

**JASPERSPRITE: I kept waiting to see rose again but never did and finally i lost hope that i would and then i died.**

**JASPERSPRITE: But then i became alive again and i got to see her and i was so happy! Purr purr purr purr purr.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Thats my story and thats why i think theres always hope even if you die.**

**AC: :33 so, youre saying that maybe i will have to die to get to be with him?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Yes maybe. :3**

**AC: :33 i hope thats not the case!**

**AC: :33 but i guess you just have a different way of looking at things**

**AC: :33 thank you for the advice jaspers!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Purrrrr.**

Oh, and here's another clipping of Dave on the roof. What's he doing up there on the air conditioning machine? This must be old, because Dave still had triangular glasses on and he wasn't in The Medium yet.

**\- turntechGodhead ****[TG]** **began pestering tentacleTherapist ****[TT]** **\- **

**TG: heres one for you**

**TG: its a whopper**

**TG: are you ready**

**TT: For what?**

**TG: this huge fuckin whopper im about to just say**

**TT: You mean a canard of behemothic embellishment?**

**TG: what**

**TT: Or was your resolve finally dismantled by the siren's song of all that flame broiled beef?**

**TG: no no**

**TG: ok first do you even have burger kings out in the fucking woods**

**TG: why do you reference things that obviously arent in the woods like terrible burgers**

**TT: I'll limit my establishments of reference to lumber mills and sugar shanties from now on.**

**TT: Also, there's a Burger King less than forty minutes from my house. I won't let this stand in the way of the new policy though.**

**TG: there is**

**TG: ok whatever**

**TG: im talking about a dream i just had**

**TG: i mean it was a doozy like psychologically speaking**

**TG: doozy is a slightly dumber word than whopper**

**TT: Certainly less delicious.**

**TG: it was absurdly heavy handed my subconscious was really slathering it on**

**TG: like whatever tangy sludge the king himself squirts on his bargain patties**

**TG: its possible that i dreamt it ironically i dunno**

**TG: i figured youd be interested in hearing about it its every bit as thick and juicy as a half pound of sizzling grade A premium ok this is stupid weve got to get burgers out of this conversation**

**TG: are you busy**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: cool listen to this**

**TT: I thought you didn't want me to analyze your dreams anymore.**

**TG: no but this one is too good not to put under the microscope with your whole precocious psychotherapy shtick its almost laughably symbolic of all my mental problems assuming i actually have those**

**TG: its grotesquely pregnant with meaning**

**TG: all gestating at least 8 gooey octuplets thrashing around in an undulating belly full of mind slime**

**TT: Maybe we can start by evaluating that troubling metaphor.**

**TG: no look**

**TG: i just want your professional take on how many things in my dream symbolize dicks**

**TT: We've already established that all of your dreams are packed with enough homoerotic symbolism to lift Freudian theory from the ashes of discreditation.**

**TG: yeah thats a given but i didnt even dream about puppets this time**

**TT: Are you serious?**

**TT: I'm clearing my schedule. This is a major breakthrough.**

**TG: i know**

**TG: it was so much more relaxing and enjoyable**

**TG: it was about me dying repeatedly**

**TT: Go on.**

**TG: i was in this dark place surrounded by this big flock of crows**

**TG: god this is so generically morbid**

**TG: im sorry in advance for exposing you to my unconscious minds retarded cliches**

**TT: It's ok.**

**TT: They wouldn't be cliches if they didn't comprise the unanimously understood bedrock of phallic symbolism, with no other viable interpretation.**

**TG: well obviously i knew the birds were just black screaming sky dongs just hear me out**

**TG: i kept dying**

**TG: there kept being these traps like i would go one way and get my head chopped off**

**TG: or go another way and get stabbed or whatever**

**TG: and every time i died the dream reset itself and i was standing there alive and ready to try to escape again**

**TG: but each time i would be watching myself from the vantage point of a different crow**

**TG: like i was the crow all squawking around in circles like a macabre flapping douche**

**TG: and i would always watch myself try to do something different to dodge the trap but i always ended up dead**

**TT: Hm.**

**TT: Well, if I've learned anything from my extensive skimming over the Wikipedia articles on dream analysis,**

**TT: It's that this dream is very unlikely to have any literal significance whatsoever.**

**TT: It's probably not about dying at all.**

**TG: you mean maybe its about anxiety over maintaining my blogs**

**TG: or that my beats might not be ill enough**

**TT: Yes. In fact, if you were on my couch that would have been my next question, as a licensed professional.**

**TT: "Mr. Strider, have you considered that what you actually dread is to have your urban rhythms exposed for what they truly are, which is, clinically speaking, just shy of 'da bomb'?"**

**TG: and then we crack up laughing cause we both know theyre fresher than your moms change of drawers and tighter than when shes wearin them**

**TT: Listening to you conjure imagery of my mother in her underpants is definitely keeping us buoyed high above this swirling Freudian hellhole.**

**TT: Well done.**

**TG: please its not like shes my mom i can visualize her choice ass all i want without it gettin much more than moderately uncomfortable for everyone involved**

**TT: What if you're wrong?**

**TG: about what**

**TT: Her not being your mother.**

**TG: uh**

**TT: Don't worry, you're probably safe. Luckily I can think of no literary or historical precedent for that sort of folly whatsoever.**

**TG: this isnt the first time youve insinuated were related what is up with that**

**TT: Isn't it?**

**TG: no**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: im not sure**

**TG: i feel like youve brought it up before which is kind of weird but now i dont know**

**TG: i think im getting this weird deja vu thing where i was sure we talked about this**

**TG: forget it**

**TT: Why don't you tell me more about your dream?**

**TG: ok**

**TG: so i kept dying and kept being crows and stuff**

**TG: and then i started to notice something coming from the sky**

**TG: it was this faint eerie singing and i look up and theres nothing there just darkness**

**TT: That's interesting.**

**TT: I've read about this.**

**TG: what did you read**

**TT: Certain texts say singing from the unknowable void carries a message.**

**TT: That its recipient has been selected for a mission of supreme cosmic importance, that will result in your death and that of billions more.**

**TT: But one that is essential to the perpetuation of existence itself.**

**TG: what the fuck sort of crackpot psychology text would say something like that**

**TT: It's not from a psychology text.**

**TG: so then youre consulting astrology books now**

**TT: Not astrology.**

**TT: More like,**

**TT: Zoology.**

**TG: oh my fucking god will you put that away**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Keep describing the dream, though.**

**TT: If the rest of it is incompatible with prognoses of the zoologically dubious, I will withdraw my insinuation.**

**TG: theres not even much more to it**

**TG: i looked up into the sky**

**TG: didnt see anyone singing**

**TG: but even though the sky was black i could see the sun**

**TG: it was bright as hell even through my shades**

**TG: so i flapped my wings and flew up away to it like a fucking piece of garbage**

**TG: and thats it**

**TT: This doesn't strike you as an impulse of self destruction?**

**TG: no**

**TG: not in the sense that it was a dark sacrificial zoology mission**

**TG: it was more like somewhere to go besides watching myself die a lot from the vantage of a feathery murder of dumb shitty birds**

**TT: So, if hypothetically you were to accept such a mission, or even insist upon one, it wouldn't be in the spirit of genuine sacrifice, but of escape?**

**TG: what the fuck are you talking about**

**TG: ok somethings wrong**

**TG: this whole conversation is falling apart this isnt how it originally went at all**

**TT: Aw. We were making good progress, too.**

**TT: Why did you have to go and remember?**

**TG: this happened months ago**

**TG: does this mean im dead**

**TT: What do you think?**

**TG: stop it**

**TG: this is so sick you using the dream bubble bullshit to pick apart my psyche**

**TG: am i dead or asleep**

**TT: If you're starting to remember, you should be able to tell me.**

**TG: god dammit**

**TT: Maybe I'm just as confused as you about it?**

**TG: yeah right**

**TT: Am I dead or asleep, Dave?**

**TG: i dont know**

**TT: Try to remember.**

That's the end of that clipping. Why don't we see what happened to Jadesprite? There she is, on The Battlefield, crying. Wait, who is that behind her? She's turning around now. Is that…

**JADESPRITE: dave?**

**DAVESPRITE: hey**

Oh, come on! That one was so short! Well, on to the next one I guess. Here's one of John in his room. He's wearing his spades shirt, so this must be before he entered The Medium. Unless it's a dream bubble…

**arachnidsGrip ****[AG]** **began trolling ghostyTrickster ****[GT]**

**AG: Hi, John human.**

**GT: auuugh!**

**GT: excuse me, alien time troll, but i am TRYING to wrap a present.**

**GT: really, you all have the worst timing.**

**AG: Yes, I can see that. Two ugly garments, and seeds for some kind of strange earth vegeta8le? Pretty lame present, John!**

**GT: nope, not going to ask how you know my name, or what i'm sending, don't care.**

**GT: and one of these ugly garments is for me, also, it's not ugly, it's awesome.**

**AG: Not as awesome as something you will 8e wearing later, thanks to me.**

**GT: uh oh, my mouse is hovering dangerously close to the block button!**

**GT: it always does that when i talk to trolls, it is the dangdest thing.**

**AG: Calm down, I just thought I would foreshadow my existence to you at this quaint moment on your timeline.**

**AG: It is way too tempting not to let you know I have taken gr8 care to 8ecome a very important feature of your life.**

**AG: Or for that matter, to let you know that I will 8e giving you a present so much 8etter than the useless crap you're shoving in that 8ox.**

**AG: I will 8e giving you the gift of immortality!**

**GT: oh sweet, that has been on my wish list, ranking just below a mint condition little monsters poster, starring hollywood superstar, howie mandel.**

**GT: can i expect it to arrive on my next birthday?**

**AG: Yes, as a matter of fact. Nice guess!**

**AG: It will come at a cost though.**

**GT: the mandel poster, or immortality?**

**AG: The latter, jackass!**

**AG: In order for you to claim it, you will have to 8e quite gulli8le and allow me to arrange your murder.**

**GT: i see, here is where all the sick trolling begins!**

**GT: you can keep your present, i am not interested.**

**AG: 8ut you will 8e! You will happily go along with everything I tell you to do.**

**AG: And then, once I have completely earned your trust, I will kill you John. ::::)**

**GT: sigh...**

**GT: the other troll i just talked to was way better, if a tad grumpy, at least she was down with talking about cool movies, sort of.**

**AG: 8ut this is all true. I've seen it already. You have no idea how delicious the dramatic irony is right now!**

**AG: You will die. I will lead you into a trap, and watch you 8leed to death on a 8ig stone sla8 with a sword stuck in your chest.**

**AG: There is nothing you can do a8out it. In fact, it has already happened!**

**GT: that's nice. now scram, troll!**

**AG: I'll leave you alone soon enough.**

**AG: I was just feeling pretty pleased with myself, a8out all the 8rilliant plans I made for you and your friends.**

**AG: Stopping 8y in your past to mess with your head is really just a courtesy, 8ecause I like to think we're pretty good friends 8y the time I get around to killing you. ::::D**

**GT: ok, you got me!**

**GT: my feathers are all ruffled, and i can no longer tell my ass apart from a big orange earth vegetable!**

**GT: now can you leave me alone?**

**AG: I guess so.**

**AG: 8ut my inevita8le grisly murder of you notwithstanding, you're a pretty fun guy to hassle. It'll 8e difficult sparing you from the privilege of my company until your game 8egins.**

**GT: that is basically the worst pickup line i have ever heard.**

**AG: Please, John. As if there is any conceiva8le sequence of events which could lead me to consider you as a via8le romantic partner, in any quadrant. Even the pale ones.**

**GT: blurp durp bluh, more plausible alien sounding things.**

**GT: weren't you leaving?**

**AG: Yes.**

**GT: ok then...**

**AG: I mean, I was going to.**

**AG: 8ut now I guess I'm not.**

**GT: oh.**

**GT: why?**

**AG: 8ecause this isn't really happening.**

**GT: it isn't?**

**AG: It did, once.**

**AG: 8ut now it's just a memory.**

**AG: I guess I must 8e dead.**

**GT: ok.**

**GT: is this conversation over now? can i keep packing my present?**

**AG: The conversation as it went 8efore is already over. I said good8ye, and you 8locked me. Don't you remem8er?**

**GT: well,**

**GT: i was going to block you. but then...**

**GT: i didn't for some reason.**

**AG: Exactly. 8ecause we've already 8een through this. You're either asleep, or dead like me.**

**AG: Man! I can't 8elieve I let her trick me like that. Such an amateur mistake.**

**GT: i guess i am feeling something like deja vu... maybe.**

**GT: i still don't think i believe you, though.**

**AG: Hey...**

**AG: Do you have any recollection at all of the last message I sent you 8efore I died?**

**GT: i don't even know who you are!**

**AG: Yeah, I figured. Just as well. I made some pretty em8arrassing confessions to you.**

**AG: I guess I'm getting what I asked for in a way. Even though it's not what I pictured.**

**GT: what did you ask for?**

**AG: I asked you if you wanted to...**

**AG: You know.**

**AG: Hang out.**

**GT: was this after you killed me, and gave me immortality?**

**AG: Yes.**

**AG: So what do you say?**

**AG: Or, what do you think you might have said?**

**GT: about what?**

**GT: you mean, hanging out?**

**AG: Yeah.**

**GT: oh god, this is so ridiculous. you are just a crazy troll on the internet, and i need to get back to packing up this present for my friend! we are not going to hang out, i'm sorry.**

**AG: John, there is no present! You are not in your hive, and you don't have anything to send. She received it a long time ago. None of this matters anymore.**

**AG: If you don't 8elieve me, you are free to look out your window.**

**GT: what will that accomplish?**

**AG: It might help you remem8er.**

**AG: And...**

**AG: You will 8e a8le to see me.**

**AG: If you want.**

John walked to the window of his room and peeked out. He was busy looking out the window, so he didn't see the mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal behind him. There was a dead fairy troll standing under his window. She waved up at him.

Okay. Cool. Here's another clipping. This one is about… the Dersite ship? With Captain Tyler? Why yes it is!

The Courtyard Droll took John's Dad's wallet out of WV's pocket. Liv Tyler was furious and chased CD all the way around this ship. WV obliviously commandeered the ship in the meantime. Eventually, Captain Tyler slipped into the air ducts and ambushed CD as he climbed the long way around.

Here. Try to make sense of this mess yourself.

You look up. Doc Scratch nods at you and rejoins the two halves of the scrapbook with his first guardian power. He vanishes and leaves you to look at more clippings.


	132. More Clippings

Chapter 6: More Clippings

Oh, here's the continuation of that John and Vriska arc we started looking at last chapter! John walked through his house and outside, where he walked over to where Vriska stood in the snow.

**GT: so.**

**GT: it seems that you are, in fact, an alien. with horns and everything.**

**GT: huh.**

**AG: Yes, John. Horns and all. That totally proves I am an alien 8eyond a shadow of a dou8t!**

**AG: Now what do you make of these 8lank white eyes of mine? What do you think THAT could mean, hmmmmmmmm?**

**GT: i don't know. aliens usually have big spooky eyes, don't they?**

**AG: Humans have literally the dum8est extraterrestrial lore. Weren't those supposed to 8e aliens on one of your posters?**

**GT: haha, you mean mac and me? yeah, even i can admit that movie was indefensible.**

**AG: Well if you want to know, normally, we have 8right orange eyes, with gray irises. They fill in with our 8lood pigment as we get older.**

**AG: Also, normally I have this one goofy eye with seven pupils 8ecause I'm kind of a weirdo. 8ut I guess that's gone now that I'm dead.**

**AG: Not that you 8elieve me, 8ecause you just refuse to remem8er anything.**

**GT: i can accept that you are an alien, but come on. meeting an alien who is also a GHOST in my front yard is a bit much to believe.**

**GT: it is almost too awesome.**

**AG: So you don't remem8er anything a8out the game at all, then? The destruction of your planet? 8ringing your ancestor 8ack to life as a clown woman?**

**AG: Putting a huge flaming ocean out with your magical wind? Jack Noir? Dying, resurrecting, and possi8ly dying again? Is any of this tickling your sponge?**

**GT: hmm...**

**GT: nope. sounds cool though.**

**AG: Fuck, I cannot 8elieeeeeeeeve how cold it is on this planet. How can any species possi8ly 8e a8le to survive somewhere like this?**

**GT: yeah, i thought you looked pretty cold out here.**

**GT: so i brought you this jacket.**

**AG: Oh.**

**AG: Ok.**

**GT: hey, your clothes switched suddenly.**

**GT: was that some kind of alien wardrobe warpifying technology?**

**GT: such as a warpdrobe, if you will?**

**AG: Sure, John. Let's just say that's what it was.**

**GT: you look pretty cool in more normal clothes. not that your space boots and pixie outfit weren't neat.**

**AG: Thanks.**

**AG: So, is this how humans 8egin an earth d8?**

**AG: With simple acts of flattery and kindness?**

**GT: um, i don't know about that, really.**

**GT: it just seemed like the nice thing to do.**

**GT: is...**

**GT: is this a date?**

**AG: No. I've decided this definitely will not 8e a d8.**

**AG: Not until you remem8er something, at least.**

**GT: ok, that's probably for the best.**

**GT: i would probably be pretty nervous on a date with a normal girl, let alone on a...**

**GT: DATE WITH AN ALIEN SPACE GHOST!**

**GT: heheheheheheh.**

**AG: Now that you mention it, me too, pro8a8ly. Your goofy awkwardness is a 8it contagious, frankly.**

**AG: So now what do we do?**

**GT: well...**

**GT: since i am presuming you are new to the planet...**

**GT: i could show you around the place.**

They began the tour.

**GT: this is my green slime ghost pogo ride, in all its glory.**

**GT: in my childhood, it was hours of fun, and hundreds of painful injuries.**

**AG: Hey...**

**AG: This thing isn't slimy at all! What the hell.**

**GT: nope.**

**AG: I've noticed humans don't seem to keep any slime around the hive. And yet you are strangely cavalier a8out your open display of certain... receptacles.**

**AG: What's the deal with that? Is it that you're just that ashamed of your secretions as a species?**

**GT: um.**

**GT: not... really?**

**GT: humans just don't really have much use for slime, i guess.**

**GT: honestly, i can't think of a single practical use for slime, other than to be gross!**

**AG: So 8izarre.**

**GT: anyway, this thing is kind of a death trap, and i haven't ridden it for years.**

**GT: i think my dad had it installed as one of his ridiculous ways of making a man out of me.**

**AG: Sure.**

**AG: My custodian had her ways of making me tougher too.**

**GT: yeah.**

**GT: parents, right? haha.**

**GT: anyway, that's my back yard. pretty damn boring, sorry.**

**GT: i would show you inside, but i don't think my dad would take too kindly to bringing an alien inside.**

**GT: or, just yet. i would need to brace him for it.**

**AG: That's fine.**

**AG: What else can you show me?**

**GT: i could show you around my neighborhood, if you want.**

**AG: Sounds gr8.**

**GT: these are my neighbors, who live in a lot of same looking houses as mine.**

**GT: i never see them. i think they're all really busy people with a lot of serious business to attend to.**

**GT: hey, look.**

**GT: the snow is melted over here.**

**GT: it's really warm suddenly. weird.**

**AG: Does your planet usually have these kind of temper8ture swings?**

**GT: no, this is pretty unusual december weather.**

**GT: guess i'll take my coat off.**

**GT: i can take yours back, if you want.**

**AG: No thanks. I think I'll keep it on.**

**GT: there is not really much to see in this town...**

**GT: but there are these lakes.**

**GT: this lake here did not used to be a lake. a long time ago, before i was born, there was a factory here.**

**GT: my dad says there was a huge explosion. he was walking by with my nanna when he saw it.**

**GT: then a little later, my nanna died. my dad never told me how, except that it involved a big joke book.**

**GT: i never knew her, which is too bad. she sounded nice.**

**AG: I know what happened.**

**AG: I saw it.**

**GT: you did?**

**AG: Yes.**

**AG: Do you want to know?**

**AG: It might jostle your memory.**

**GT: ok!**

**AG: I 8elieve this lake is where Jade landed. You landed a little ways over there, a8out where your hive is now. You clo88ered your nanna to death with the aforementioned joke 8ook. 8ut it wasn't your fault. You were 8oth just little wigglers, riding meteors from the future.**

**AG: You cre8ted yourself, your nanna, Jade, her grandpa, not to mention Dave and Rose and their guardians, all in a la8 using paradox slime, and sent them 8ack in time as the silly gru8s with arms and legs you call 8a8ies. And here you were dou8ting the usefulness of slime!**

**GT: wow, really?**

**AG: Yes, a8solutely.**

**AG: I paid close attention to all this, 8ecause I thought it might give me some clues a8out us and our ancestors, who were made the same way.**

**AG: Any of this familiar?**

**GT: hmm.**

**GT: that all sounds incredible if true, but i don't have even the foggiest memory of that happening!**

**AG: Yeah. I figured as much.**

**AG: Since you seem 8ent on staying in your dream 8u88le coma, why don't I continue the tour?**

**GT: the tour... of earth?**

**AG: Sort of.**

Suddenly, they were halfway on Earth and halfway on LOWAS.

**GT: what's happening?**

**AG: We are going on an adventure.**

**GT: where?**

**AG: Through your memories.**

**AG: Through mine too.**

**AG: This would 8e a really fun thing to do on a d8, I think!**

**AG: If we actually were on a d8, which we're not.**

And then they were somewhere else.

**GT: how is this happening?**

**GT: is this through the advanced alien technologies?**

**GT: like holograms, or teleportations?**

**AG: If that's what you want to think to keep you comfy in your stupor, sure.**

**GT: where are we?**

**AG: This is my home planet 8efore it was destroyed.**

**AG: It's called Alternia.**

**GT: oh, cool.**

**GT: and what's that, over there?**

**AG: That is my hive, which is a thing that you refer to as a house.**

**AG: It's where I grew up.**

**GT: it's a castle!**

**AG: No shit!**

**AG: It is 8ig and fore8oding and ostent8ious, just the way I wanted it.**

**AG: As a 8lue8lood, I was entitled to 8uild such a home. Something to set me far apart from the commoners.**

**GT: you built it?**

**AG: Of course not. Ro8ots 8uilt it for me when I was very young.**

**AG: 8ut I was allowed to dict8 instructions. Expected to, in fact.**

**GT: oh gosh.**

**GT: so rad.**

**AG: Really?**

**AG: I still find it interesting what sort of mundane facts humans tend to 8e impressed 8y.**

**AG: Anyway, my design kind of got 8oring as I got older. A huge castle hive sounds great, 8ut it starts feeling pretty cavernous and lonely after a while. There were so many 8locks I never even used!**

**AG: Your tastes change, 8ut you get stuck with growing up in a place suited to your earliest, most juvenile inclin8ions.**

**AG: No8ody tells you that when you're a kid though.**

**GT: i think i know what you mean.**

**GT: i feel like a long time ago, i might have given my dad the impression i really liked clowns?**

**GT: and now there are clowns everywhere, his stupid collection just keeps growing and growing, and it drives me CRAZY.**

**AG: John...**

**AG: That 8arely compara8le example is so cute, I don't even know what to say.**

**GT: heheh.**

**AG: This was my custodian.**

**GT: 8O**

**AG: She was hurt in an accident.**

**AG: I killed her myself to put her out of her misery.**

**GT: :(**

**GT: holy shit, look at these glittering space riches!**

**AG: Yeah. I was really into treasure hunting for a while.**

**GT: What's with the broken eight balls?**

**AG: Never mind those!**

**AG: This was my respite8lock.**

**AG: From kind of an em8arrassing memory, actually.**

**GT: haha, more eight balls!**

**GT: you sure do like to smash them.**

**AG: John, addiction is a powerful thing. You pro8a8ly wouldn't understand.**

**GT: what are you wearing?**

**AG: Just a fairy dress.**

**AG: I wore it for this stupid thing I did once.**

**GT: is that a rocket car stuck in the web over there?**

**GT: what's that about?**

**AG: Don't worry a8out it! Man, this would 8e such an awkward moment on a d8. Again, if it was one.**

**GT: there's something really familiar about that rocket...**

**AG: Let's keep going.**

**GT: what's happening?**

**GT: are we back on earth?**

**AG: You tell me.**

**GT: it's my house again. why are we here?**

**GT: i was having fun seeing your planet!**

**AG: I don't know, John. They're your memories.**

**GT: this is my dad's room.**

**GT: but...**

**GT: i have never been inside of it.**

**GT: so why do i recognize it?**

**AG: Shrug!**

**GT: i think...**

**GT: there were some birthday presents for me in here.**

**GT: but i can't recall which birthday that was.**

**AG: It was your 13th.**

**GT: but i'm 12!**

**GT: oh yeah.**

**GT: i remember this.**

**GT: there were these imps all over my house, acting all rambunctious.**

**GT: but... why?**

**GT: it's all so hazy.**

**GT: where is my dad?**

**AG: Sounds like some things are coming 8ack to you.**

**AG: Any chance you remem8er me yet?**

**GT: no.**

**GT: sorry.**

They walked outside and found that John's hive was on LOMAT for some reason. He and Vriska began to walk along the wooden walkways

**GT: hey, look!**

**GT: that's my dad.**

**GT: what's he doing here?**

**AG: ...**

**GT: i've missed the heck out of him.**

**GT: though i'm not sure why. he should be safe at home right now.**

**GT: i guess i must have lost track of him. but i don't remember how.**

**GT: all i know is i have this feeling like i should run over and give him a hug.**

**AG: Well, just so you know, he is pro8a8ly not actually there.**

**AG: Kind of like how my lusus was just a memory.**

**GT: are you a psychic alien? like the one who jodie foster met in contact, and assumed the form of her dead father to talk to her?**

**AG: As a matter of fact, yes, I am a psychic alien. 8ut that has nothing to do with this!**

**AG: These are our memories, and we are in the afterlife. I keep trying to tell you, and it's starting to get frustr8ing.**

**GT: i see. so it is not me who is jodie foster. it's more like you are jodie, because nobody believed her when she came home and had amazing tales to tell.**

**GT: except matthew mcconaughey.**

**AG: Aaaaaaaargh!**

**GT: but it's ok. i will be your matt mcconaughey.**

**AG: Does that mean you'll 8elieve me now?**

**GT: i guess i always did, sort of.**

**GT: i think i've been in denial about what's happening here.**

**AG: It's nice that you 8elieve me. 8ut that doesn't mean you remem8er yet.**

**GT: so if this isn't my dad, then where is he?**

**AG: He died too. You saw his 8ody. Don't you at least remem8er that?**

**GT: no. not at all.**

**GT: i am remembering a bunch of things, but not that.**

**AG: Then what?**

**AG: Do you remem8er me yet?**

**GT: no.**

**GT: i only remember when you contacted me and said you'd kill me a little earlier.**

**GT: but that was months ago.**

**GT: i do remember talking to some other trolls like you.**

**GT: and playing this game. it was on my 13th birthday. i was really looking forward to playing it, but it was late in the mail.**

**GT: i got some presents from my dad. like this big weird clown doll that i didn't like much.**

**GT: and some fruit gushers...**

**GT: oh yeah! i also realized gushers were made by betty crocker. that freaked me the fuck out!**

**GT: did YOU realize betty crocker makes gushers?**

**AG: This comes as news to me.**

**GT: well she does. her villainy knows no bounds.**

**GT: oh.**

**GT: he also gave me this suit, which i remember wearing for a while.**

**GT: but it didn't look quite like this.**

**GT: it had a black tie, and no ghost, so i improved it.**

**GT: actually...**

**GT: i remember dying in a suit.**

**AG: You do?**

**GT: but**

**GT: this was not the suit i was wearing when i died.**

He changed into his Wise Guy Slime Suit.

**EB: this was.**

Oh, and here is a continuation of the Captain Tyler/CD arc!

Liv Tyler secretly ambushed the droll and took the wallet back from him. She removed The Tumor from the wallet, then put the wallet back.

The Courtyard Droll took off in an escape pod with the wallet, but the bunny had managed to retrieve the critical item from it.

And… here's a continuation of the Jadesprite/Davesprite arc.

**JADESPRITE: are you ok?**

**DAVESPRITE: been better**

**JADESPRITE: what happened to you?**

**DAVESPRITE: what happened to you**

**JADESPRITE: um...**

**JADESPRITE: i died in my dream and came back as a dog**

**DAVESPRITE: oh**

**DAVESPRITE: i turned into a bird and got in a fight**

**JADESPRITE: :o**

**JADESPRITE: what is that?**

**DAVESPRITE: what this thing**

**JADESPRITE: yes**

**DAVESPRITE: legendary sword**

**JADESPRITE: how did you get it?**

**DAVESPRITE: long story**

**DAVESPRITE: shenanigans mostly**

**JADESPRITE: yes i figured shenanigans were probably involved**

**JADESPRITE: can you be more specific?**

**DAVESPRITE: well**

**DAVESPRITE: basically im from another timeline**

**DAVESPRITE: we couldnt win the game there so i came back to help dave**

**JADESPRITE: dave?**

**DAVESPRITE: dave from this timeline**

**DAVESPRITE: as a sprite im supposed to help him with his quest**

**JADESPRITE: oh yeah**

**JADESPRITE: im supposed to help jade too, but...**

**JADESPRITE: *sniffle***

**DAVESPRITE: shes doing alright dont worry about it**

**JADESPRITE: ok, ill try...**

**JADESPRITE: you were saying?**

**DAVESPRITE: so things kind of became even more crazy in this timeline than the one i was from**

**DAVESPRITE: and it was clear dave was never gonna do the quest i didnt get the chance to finish**

**DAVESPRITE: not even after you brought the forge**

**JADESPRITE: the forge?**

**DAVESPRITE: your volcano**

**JADESPRITE: ohhh**

**DAVESPRITE: so**

**DAVESPRITE: after laying low for a while**

**DAVESPRITE: i just went and did whatever i could myself**

**DAVESPRITE: got caledfwlch**

**DAVESPRITE: the fuckin welsh sword dave broke**

**DAVESPRITE: went to look for hephaestus again**

**DAVESPRITE: figuring there wasnt much hope in beating him this time either especially being injured and all but what the hell right**

**DAVESPRITE: but then**

**DAVESPRITE: thats when you lit the forge somehow**

**JADESPRITE: i did?**

**DAVESPRITE: well no**

**DAVESPRITE: not you other jade**

**JADESPRITE: yeah**

**JADESPRITE: shes a lot more brave than me i think**

**JADESPRITE: she brought me back thinking i could help her and all i did was disappoint her and everyone else**

**JADESPRITE: you came back as a sprite and youre managing to do important things...**

**JADESPRITE: but i just feel so scared and helpless**

**DAVESPRITE: sounds like you came back because jade made the decision for you**

**DAVESPRITE: i made the decision to come back myself maybe itd be different if you had the same chance**

**JADESPRITE: i dont know if i would have if i had the chance**

**JADESPRITE: but i would like to not feel so useless to everybody**

**DAVESPRITE: i think everyones on top of this**

**DAVESPRITE: theres not much for us to do anymore**

**JADESPRITE: what about your sword? isnt it important?**

**DAVESPRITE: i guess so**

**DAVESPRITE: but not really for me since im not the real dave anymore**

**JADESPRITE: im still not sure how you got it...**

**JADESPRITE: what does it have to do with my volcano?**

**DAVESPRITE: thats a bit complicated**

**DAVESPRITE: see it turns out**

**DAVESPRITE: i had no idea how the denizens worked at all**

And here is a continuation of the Rose/Dave arc.

**TG: i remember waking up here**

**TG: after getting shot**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: What else?**

**TG: then the cage bunny came**

**TG: he gave us the bomb**

**TG: whered he go anyway**

**TT: She's around.**

**TG: the bunnys a she**

**TT: Her name is Liv Tyler.**

**TG: dumb**

**TT: Take it up with John.**

**TT: What else?**

**TG: we were talking about who should go**

**TT: Do you remember what we decided?**

**TG: no**

**TG: wait**

**TG: wasnt i going to go**

**TG: is that what happened did i go and now im dead**

**TT: Not quite.**

**TG: whats not quite**

**TG: that i didnt go or that im not dead**

**TT: Do you remember anything else?**

**TG: no**

**TT: What about why you went to fight Jack?**

**TG: sure**

**TG: i did that**

**TG: because i wanted to**

**TG: and because i was supposed to**

**TT: Are you sure?**

**TG: yeah i saw my future self fighting him so obviously that had to happen or else id be dead anyway**

**TG: without even getting the satisfaction of standing up to him**

**TT: So was your decision a result of desire or obligation?**

**TG: hard to explain**

**TG: with all the time shit going on**

**TG: i dont try to understand your light shit do i**

**TT: I don't know much about the Light Shit, to be honest.**

**TT: I may have missed my chance to figure it out.**

**TG: havent we had this conversation already**

**TT: Mostly.**

**TT: I'm doing what I can to jog your memory.**

**TG: its jogging i guess**

**TG: its manboobs are jiggling a little**

**TT: Nice.**

**TT: So what about Jade?**

**TG: what**

**TT: You didn't tell her your expedition with her would result in your death, let alone one she'd inadvertently cause.**

**TT: Or that she'd be stuck with the job of resuscitating you. Did you?**

**TG: what am i really supposed to say**

**TG: hey were gonna hunt frogs til you shoot me through the jack**

**TG: then i die and youve got to make out with me**

**TG: that kind of changes how the whole thing goes doesnt it**

**TT: Not if you're "supposed to," right?**

**TG: what does that even mean**

**TT: I guess you're right. No reason to make an effort to empathize if doing so comes at the price of oblivion.**

**TG: wtf**

**TT: It must be comforting to have your ASPD tacitly supported by predestination.**

**TG: aspd**

**TT: Antisocial personality disorder.**

**TG: oh no**

**TG: this conversation just got bumrushed by a mudslide of fucking awful**

**TT: It wasn't already awful, believing you might be dead?**

**TG: you dont know anything**

**TG: about what i was feeling or what happened on lofaf**

**TG: you were all pavement faced and babbling your throefester speak and flipping off the shit with your own crazy deathwish thing why do you think you know what was going through my head**

**TG: youre just assuming and throwing around psyche buzzwords like aspd complex disorder**

**TT: So it's a disorder, a complex, and then a disorder again for good measure?**

**TG: in your case probably**

**TT: Sounds like a positively delirious state of existence.**

**TG: its some delirious biznasty alright**

**TT: Oh... snap?**

**TG: yes ima authorize a GOD DAMN you may swipe it at the door to check yourself into the burn ward**

**TT: Might you loosen the purse strings on an "Oh no he didn't?"**

**TG: nah those are kept in emergency reserve for yo mama jokes from the 90s**

**TG: anyway**

**TG: im telling you if i said anything at all about it she probably doesnt even fire her gun once and all im doing is dragging her into a doomed timeline with me**

**TT: I guess I'm learning to be impressed by your sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune. It's a strange case of inspiration through futility.**

**TG: none of this is that big a deal**

**TG: i just mentioned the basics to her**

**TG: that id stop time traveling soon**

**TG: break out of the loops**

**TG: not have to wonder all the time if i was taking a wrong turn and dooming everybody**

**TG: i was never that cool with this**

**TT: With what, exactly?**

**TG: you know how you turned out to be this incredibly shitty seer of light and basically failed at that in every way imaginable**

**TT: Hey!**

**TG: well maybe i never wanted to be a knight of time**

**TG: maybe id rather just be like**

**TG: the dave of guy**

**TG: you know just some dude**

**TT: These really do not sound like the words of someone ready to face his own death.**

**TT: The kind you don't wake up from, I mean.**

**TG: i guess not**

**TG: guess i failed my quest then**

**TG: so im like**

**TG: now what bitches**

**TG: to nobody in particular i guess**

**TT: The unseen bitches callously conspiring to expect greatness from you?**

**TG: yes those exact bitches**

**TT: If that's how you feel,**

**TT: Then why did you insist on going on the mission to deliver** **T****h****e ****T****u****m****o****r****?**

**TT: Black-and-whitened for giant yin-yang bomb.**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: i remember that now**

**TG: then i guess thats what happened**

**TG: i delivered the bomb and now i must be dead**

**TT: Are you sure?**

**TG: is that wrong**

**TT: Maybe you should try to answer the question. Why did you want to go?**

**TG: because i made the map so i know how to get there better**

**TT: But it seems simple enough. A set of bearings to follow.**

**TT: See? The application pilots the moon. Change course when necessary. Anyone can do it, really.**

**TT: We talked about this. Debated, if you recall.**

**TG: ok if you remember it all so clearly why are you grilling me on this shit**

**TG: will you just tell me whats going on**

**TT: I'm just seeing if you can remember. And if you're sticking to your story, about why you should be the one to go.**

**TG: well i am**

**TG: because i should**

**TG: or should have**

**TG: man what the fuck is going on**

**TG: am i dead or are you dead or what**

**TT: You're almost there, really. Just try to remember a little more.**

**TT: What happened after we decided you'd go?**

**TG: uh**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: we were trying to figure out a way to detach the moon**

**TG: so i could pilot it out there**

**TG: fly it into the sun**

**TG: but the chain was huge**

**TG: couldnt think of how to break it**

**TG: then out of nowhere this sword appears in the thing**

**TG: so im thinking obviously i have to break the sword somehow**

**TG: because thats all i fucking do is break swords**

**TG: but as im thinking of how to do it i put my hand on it**

**TG: and it just snaps off with this comical shattering noise**

**TG: like i just fucked up some priceless shit in the louvre**

**TG: see like that**

**TG: like i did again just there with my hand**

**TG: cause of dreambubbles**

**TG: remember when that happened**

**TT: Mm hm.**

**TG: then i took it and sliced the chain**

**TG: like this**

**TG: damn**

**TG: it still cuts like its plowing through a shaft of boneless zombie meat**

**TT: Careful.**

**TT: I just managed to quell my appetite after all that burger talk.**

**TG: whoops**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: so then**

**TG: the moon started drifting away**

**TG: and i was going to fly up**

**TG: and take it to the sun**

**TG: and i said something to you**

**TG: or i was going to**

**TG: like say bye or something**

**TG: but you were just standing there not saying anything**

**TG: holding that ball of yarn**

**TG: and then**

**TG: oh**

**TG: god thats right**

**TG: come on**

**TG: knocking me out so you can steal the suicide mission**

**TG: god dammit**

**TG: that is so trite**

**TT: I really am sorry for that.**

**TG: its like**

**TG: heres how bad this is**

**TG: were are basically bruce willis and ben affleck from johns shitty crappy movie**

**TG: you made this even more armageddon than it already was**

**TG: sealing me in the air lock so i can go home to liv tyler and have the most terrible babies with her**

**TT: If it's any consolation, Liv Tyler came with me on the suicide mission.**

**TG: the bunny or the actress**

**TT: Which would make you feel better?**

**TG: you not knocking me out with a ball of fucking yarn is fucking what**

**TT: If I could have chosen a method of sparing your life you might have found more awesome, I would.**

**TT: Is there an "ironic" way to do that?**

**TG: this probably comes close but that doesnt make it not lame as hell**

**TT: Does it matter if I took some personal satisfaction seeing you fall unconscious at the gentle glance of a soft cotton globe?**

**TG: its cool you are so tickled by this i hope it brought you a lot of rad laughs on your way to go fucking explode**

**TT: ...**

**TG: so thats it**

**TG: im actually lying here on derse asleep**

**TG: and you went out there and blew up the sun**

**TG: and now youre dead and im dream chilling with your smug ghost**

**TT: Yes to the first part.**

**TG: so youre not dead**

**TT: Not yet.**

**TG: then youre dreaming**

**TG: what youre taking a little nap on the moon in the middle of nowhere**

**TT: Afraid not!**

**TT: I am wide awake.**

What is this clipping…

A blood-stained fedora flew into the air and a ghostly blue hand caught it. Nannasprite looked down at the fedora sadly, wondering exactly what it meant. She feared the worst.

"My son!" she wailed. "What could have..."

BANG. BANG. BANG.

**Oh wonderful, another interruption. It seems she's acting out again. Sorting these clippings will have to wait while I settle her down. I apologize profusely.**

**Please continue to help yourself to the serviceable "==" command in my absence. As a first-class host, I keep a healthy supply on hand at all times.**

You help yourself to a "==" command from the bowl of "==" commands that Doc Scratch keeps in a bowl on his table. Let's check out some more clippings.


	133. Even More Clippings

Chapter 7: Even More Clippings

Let's continue with the Nannasprite arc. We left her alone there. Kind of sad. Oh, well, we're at a different point in time now. She's communicating with John's Dad's coworkers via Serious Business on Mr. Egbert's PDA.

**fedorafreak: eureka.**

**fedorafreak: stand by for clarification re: enthusiastic outburst.**

**fedorafreak: yes. it is as hoped for beyond hope.**

**fedorafreak: unusual devices may be used to duplicate fresh, perfectly pressed garments. inexhaustibly, afaik.**

**fedorafreak: reconstructing complete professional ensemble now - hold.**

**fedorafreak: pleased to report restoration of dapper visage an overwhelming success.**

**fedorafreak: alas, devices appear to hold no such promise for departed family members, misplaced hand-held steam press.**

**fedorafreak: update on device utility - combinative apparel synthesis presents intriguing possibilities.**

**fedorafreak: now combining expensive leather pipe tobacco sleeve with handsome, gray fedora.**

**fedorafreak: to document result shortly.**

**fedorafreak: resulted in hat w/ outlandish and frivolous appearance.**

**fedorafreak: do not care for; shall discard immediately.**

**fedorafreak: combination of pant, fine cotton shirt even more disappointing.**

**fedorafreak: yielded useless, excessively tall pant; relieveing from wardrobe at once.**

**fedorafreak: made unwelcome determination. production requires expense of glittering abstractions called grist.**

**fedorafreak: such jewels remaining in cache, libation in reserve, at premium.**

**fedorafreak: consumed final swallow of carefully rationed urine. soon to seek water elsewhere in exotic new surroundings.**

**fedorafreak: more importantly, to seek grist facilitating continued accessorizing.**

**fedorafreak: note to self: use spoils to make more hats.**

**fedorafreak: preparing for expedition to reap gems from mischievous local fauna.**

**fedorafreak: crafted sturdy bludgeoning instrument out of uprooted mailbox.**

**fedorafreak: tall pant perhaps adaptable as defensive garment.**

**fedorafreak: pardon while donning tall pant.**

**fedorafreak: donned tall pant.**

**fedorafreak: confidence in martial prowess perplexingly swells.**

**fedorafreak: venturing out; powering down gray, serviceable hand-held computing device to preserve battery.**

**fedorafreak: additional updates to be submitted in a frank and forthright manner for judicious appraisal within a reasonable timeframe.**

**fedorafreak: tia for patience.**

**fedorafreak: turning on hand-held device for brief report.**

**fedorafreak: severe injury sustained in skirmish with undersized, sportive rascal.**

**fedorafreak: tall pant unremarkable in protective utility. damaged; badly bloodied.**

**fedorafreak: no indication of laundering facilities throughout enchanted land whatsoever.**

**fedorafreak: losing fluid rapidly. maintaining adequate hydration levels more important than ever.**

**fedorafreak: libations unfortunately not forthcoming.**

**fedorafreak: rest needed.**

**fedorafreak: seeking surface suitable for assuming reclined posture.**

**fedorafreak: strength depleting. tie loosened, removed, rolled up neatly and tucked beneath hat.**

**fedorafreak: minimal stamina left for disrobing sodden tall pant. leaving on.**

**fedorafreak: encountered rest surface.**

**fedorafreak: horizontal stone slab exhibiting unidentified iconography.**

**fedorafreak: a tall post at each corner.**

**fedorafreak: mysteriously inviting.**

**fedorafreak: mounting slab. exhaustion taking hold.**

**pipefan413: Excuse me, sir!**

**fedorafreak: pipefan413, friend.**

**fedorafreak: pipefan413, sound of voice nearly refreshing enough to distract from perpetual taste of warm, poorly filtered urine.**

**pipefan413: Oh my, no. I am not actually your friend, dear.**

**pipefan413: I am his mother! Hoo hoo hoo.**

**fedorafreak: another of pipefan413's legendary pranks? pl clarify.**

**fedorafreak: if y; prepared to regard as hilarious.**

**pipefan413: Were that it was. I'm sorry to say there is no chicanery in play at all today.**

**pipefan413: Though yes, that WOULD be quite the doozy. I believe the late, great Colonel would surely say we were cooking with petrol upon hearing such a whopper.**

**pipefan413: No, I am just an old woman looking for her son.**

**fedorafreak: understood, madame.**

**pipefan413: You remind me of him so. Would you mind terribly if I talked to you for a little while?**

**pipefan413: I am fearing the worst for my son, while my grandson has gone off to do great things. I've caught myself feeling a bit lonely, hoo.**

**fedorafreak: can imagine no greater pleasure.**

**fedorafreak: though, eyelids heavy.**

**fedorafreak: getting dark; feeling in extremities, fading.**

**pipefan413: Oh, but you must be exhausted from your travels! You poor thing.**

**pipefan413: Why don't you just lie there and rest? I will tell you a story.**

**fedorafreak: pipefan413's kindly mother: ty**

**pipefan413: It is a fairy tale about a young sister and brother who were raised by a wicked witch!**

**pipefan413: The witch in truth was a world famous baking baroness. Her cruelty made life miserable for the two children, who did not have their father anymore to protect them.**

**pipefan413: He was the greatest prankster who ever lived, and a true southern gentleman. He was killed by a comet on the day the boy was born, and the wicked baroness raised them alone, with a hand as firm as that which she ran her brutal baking empire.**

**pipefan413: The children pledged to each other that one day they would run away together.**

**pipefan413: They followed in the footsteps of the dear colonel, in defiance of the old batterwitch. They studied his every jape, and practiced them in secret!**

**pipefan413: But as they grew older, their interests drifted apart. The boy developed a passion for adventure and put aside his study of practical jokes. He dreamed of wealth and fame and discovery and swore he would wander the world.**

**pipefan413: One day he decided to run away with the loyal dog he inherited from their father. He asked the girl if she would come along, but she was too scared of the retribution that might follow.**

**pipefan413: The boy scoffed at the danger, and assured his sister there was nothing to worry about. But he had not seen first hand what the baroness was capable of!**

**pipefan413: He told his sister that he believed in her, and that she could handle whatever the witch could throw at her. And with that, he was off, and she would never see him again.**

**pipefan413: The baroness would raise her very strictly, mentoring her in the art of baking. The girl took to the lessons with fierce determination. Her only act of defiance left was to one day surpass the baroness in skill, and beat her at her own game. It was all she could do, for the baroness made sure she knew there could be no escape.**

**pipefan413: The girl surely missed her brother, and soon enough he achieved fame for his exploits. She followed him in the newspapers, the tales of his remarkable discoveries, inventions, and riches. How she wished she could rejoin him, and be free from toiling for the pastry hag!**

**pipefan413: One day, the girl was able to gather enough bravery to mention her brother to the baroness, and her desire to see him again. With contempt, she guaranteed that this could never happen. When the girl asked why, that is when the baroness began to reveal to her more than just her baking secrets.**

**pipefan413: She mentioned that like in many fairy tales, there was more to the children's past than they knew. The colonel was not their father, nor was the baroness their mother. They in fact had no father or mother at all, nor were they ever actually born. They had both fallen from the sky! They were not actually brother and sister as they had been told either. Again like in many fairy tales, the truth was that they were always destined to become married one day. They were to have two children, a son and a daughter, and these children were meant to save the world! But the batterwitch was determined to make sure this destiny would never be realized. In her limitless cruelty she would do all in her power to keep them apart for the rest of their lives.**

**pipefan413: The girl that day swore she would bring down the baroness and her evil empire. She would use the many secrets she'd learned over the years against her, and began carefully plotting her downfall.**

**pipefan413: Years went by. The girl was nearly ready to put her plan into action. But then, just like that, the baroness disappeared. She was never seen or heard from again.**

**pipefan413: The girl was finally free, by a strange turn of events. But not without a final jab from the witch. It turned out that in her will she had left the entire company to the boy!**

**pipefan413: The boy, now a grown man, was already very wealthy in his own right. He had no particular need for the baking empire, but assumed control nonetheless, and integrated the company into his extensive collection of enterprises.**

**pipefan413: The girl, instead of seeing this as more misfortune, took the news as a relief. She'd just as soon have nothing to do with the witch's empire, and far preferred to pursue her original passion for practical japery. Hoo hoo hoo!**

**pipefan413: She considered a reunion with her estranged brother, and once destined husband to be. But the days of longing for a future with him seemed to be from another lifetime. The chance had come and gone. She was content to let him live his increasingly elaborate life, while she sought a simpler one.**

**pipefan413: Besides, now was not the time to revisit a destiny with an old star-crossed lover. She had recently become betrothed to a fine, upstanding gentleman. Soon, she would start a family. No, not one meant for heroism as foretold, but one that would make her happy nonetheless.**

**pipefan413: In following years, she was left to ponder all that might have been.**

**pipefan413: What might have been if there had been no baroness to keep the girl and boy apart?**

**pipefan413: What might have been if the baroness had not disappeared, and she had the opportunity to use her secrets against her!**

**pipefan413: For you see, the girl had uncovered so many dirty secrets about the terrible batterwitch, including the most troubling one of all.**

**pipefan413: Of course no one would have believed her, but she knew.**

**pipefan413: She knew the baroness was not human! :B**

**\- fedorafreak's gray, serviceable hand-held computing device's battery has died. -**

Let's continue the Dave/Rose arc. Why not?

**TT: I am piloting the moon through the Furthest Ring right now.**

**TT: At the moment, it's passing through a dream bubble. I am visiting your dream in person.**

**TT: Or, you are the one visiting me as I travel, in your sleep. If you'd rather look at it that way.**

**TG: ok**

**TG: so all those questions you asked me**

**TG: getting me to remember**

**TG: you were just stalling me werent you**

**TG: so i wouldnt wake up and try to stop you**

**TT: Not entirely.**

**TG: this sucks**

**TG: could you just please turn the thing around and come back**

**TT: Why?**

**TT: I'm already out here. Might as well go through with it.**

**TG: we agreed id do it though**

**TG: or at least you pretended to agree**

**TG: just before going into a major league wind up with your nap yarn**

**TT: A major league wind up?**

**TG: sports**

**TT: It's always been pretty sad that I seem to know more about sports than you. Which is really saying something.**

**TG: all im saying is**

**TG: no one likes a basketball hog**

**TT: It's probably just "ball hog."**

**TG: i just think you should know**

**TG: that in the athletic arena of competitive achievement**

**TG: its a widely known fact that cherry picking posers get showered in nothin but boos**

**TG: you dont gank the rock and steal the big mans thunder on his raucus drive to the hole**

**TT: Oh lord.**

**TG: is that the sort of ignominy you want**

**TG: see you didnt consider sports you never consider the sports**

**TT: The last thing I want to do is come between a big man's thunder and any particular hole he might prize.**

**TG: and yet**

**TG: such has been whats happened**

**TG: it like the tight end was going long down the yard in sudden death**

**TG: its me im the tight end**

**TG: and the quarterback sniped the fieldgoal just before the nfl buzzer went off**

**TG: the greedy qb is you**

**TT: That's not even close to being a thing in football.**

**TG: but instead of winning the gold sports prize you just fucking die and nobody cares and it didnt mean anything**

**TT: Which prize is that?**

**TG: the football prize**

**TT: You mean the most vaunted accolade associated with the gridiron, known as "Stanley's Cup?"**

**TG: no come on**

**TG: its called the bruce bombardi trophy or something**

**TG: for best pile squad**

**TT: I'll take your word for it.**

**TG: and even though youre dead all these fat millionaires in helmets just leap on your corpse anyway and pile up and i mean WAY up**

**TT: How high do they even have to be?**

**TG: the sport pile doesnt stop from getting taller**

**TT: Does the officiator have a means of measurement on hand?**

**TT: I wouldn't want to be crushed by a nonregulation sport pile.**

**TG: what do you care youll be dead like the mission thieving poser you are**

**TT: Poser?**

**TT: So not cool.**

**TG: yes poser it should be my torso getting pulverized by that avalanche of overpaid beefcakes and you know it**

**TT: I forget what we were doing exactly.**

**TT: Were we pursuing the hackneyed debate over who has the best claim to self sacrifice,**

**TT: Or seeing who can out-dumbass the other with obtuse sports lingo?**

**TG: there obviously stopped being a difference between those things the question is offensive**

**TG: almost as offensive as you stalling me while you peel out of here in your dumb moon**

**TT: I'm the one stalling?**

**TT: The moon is probably just a speck in the sky now due to your strange beefcake harangue.**

**TG: yeah but i dont know how to wake back up is the thing**

**TG: how do i wake back up**

**TT: I guess I could wake back you up, if you really want.**

**TG: ok then do it**

**TT: But you have to promise to stay put.**

**TT: Don't try to stop me. Just let it go.**

**TG: but this was my mission**

**TT: It really makes no sense for you to go. This was never your preoccupation.**

**TT: They selected me a long time ago.**

**TG: that doesnt make sense**

**TG: why would they drag me into it just to have me make a map and then let you ditch me**

**TG: theyve obviously been gunning for me too**

**TT: Yes, they helped you chart a path through the Ring. And they will open that path for a pilot they have marked.**

**TT: I believe I fit the description. I'm not sure about you.**

**TG: why do you think that**

**TT: I am the pilot. That's all there is to say on the matter.**

**TG: but i dont want you to die**

**TT: Help John and Jade.**

**TG: this isnt right**

**TT: Then I'm not going to help you wake you up.**

**TT: I'll stall some more.**

**TG: so you admit you were stalling with all that bullshit**

**TT: I said not entirely.**

**TG: what do you mean**

**TT: It's going to be a long ride through all this nothingness.**

**TT: Maybe I just thought some company would be nice.**

**TT: Before it's all over.**

**TG: ...**

**TT: So what'll it be?**

**TG: what**

**TT: I'll wake you, but only if you promise to rejoin the others.**

**TT: Could you give a message to John for me?**

**TG: sure**

**TG: but**

**TG: if im promising not to chase you down then theres not really any hurry to wake up**

**TT: Aw, are you sure?**

**TT: I was looking forward to bowling another wicked googly with the yarn.**

**TT: Sportsways.**

**TG: nah ill stay asleep a while**

**TT: Ok.**

**TG: what did you want me to tell john**

**TT: What was that?**

**TG: what**

**TT: Did you hear something?**

**TG: no what**

**TT: I thought I heard something outside.**

They spun around to see the Draconian Dignitary climb in through the window.

**TG: whos this douche dag**

**TG: i mean bag**

**TG: im stuttering this dude is making me nervous**

**TT: You don't remember him?**

**TG: no**

**TT: Then I guess this isn't a memory.**

**TG: so hes actually here with us on the moon**

**TT: Not with us.**

**TT: Just me.**

**TT: You're still on Derse, remember?**

The Dignitary stabbed Dave through the chest and he woke up on Derse. He looked up at the moon, which was getting farther and farther away. After a moment's hesitation, he decided to fly after it.

Now let's see how Jadesprite and Davesprite are getting on.

**DAVESPRITE: i busted into his palace**

**DAVESPRITE: to finish the quest**

**DAVESPRITE: i was expecting him to be asleep and was gonna figure out some way to wake him up**

**DAVESPRITE: but like last time i saw him**

**DAVESPRITE: he was already awake to greet me**

**JADESPRITE: but i thought the denizens were supposed to be asleep?**

**JADESPRITE: at least until you do the right things on your quest...**

**DAVESPRITE: they are**

**DAVESPRITE: as sprites were programmed to know things like that about the game**

**DAVESPRITE: but i guess not everything**

**DAVESPRITE: it seems like if you try to go fight them too soon**

**DAVESPRITE: you find them awake and theyre like**

**DAVESPRITE: what the fuck are you doing here already**

**DAVESPRITE: which is what happened last time i saw him**

**DAVESPRITE: before i became a sprite**

**DAVESPRITE: and i stupidly tried to fight him which was a bad idea because hes hella strong**

**DAVESPRITE: and the whole time he was raving about shit**

**DAVESPRITE: about a stolen sword and missing forge**

**DAVESPRITE: but i wasnt really listening**

**DAVESPRITE: if i had i might have understood**

**DAVESPRITE: he wasnt actually trying to kill me he was giving me the choice**

**JADESPRITE: what choice**

**DAVESPRITE: wait i mean ****The Choice**

**DAVESPRITE: i always forget i can talk underlined for important shit**

**JADESPRITE: what did you choose?**

**DAVESPRITE: i guess i made an unwitting choice**

**DAVESPRITE: by deciding to flee**

**DAVESPRITE: i figured he was unbeatable so i decided to get the fuck out of there**

**DAVESPRITE: so i snapped a quick captcha to get his huge hammers code and then gtfo**

**JADESPRITE: what happened when you saw him this time?**

**DAVESPRITE: like i said he was awake again**

**DAVESPRITE: but this time i wasnt in any condition to fight**

**DAVESPRITE: so i didnt**

**DAVESPRITE: and thats what i didnt get**

**DAVESPRITE: hes this terrible angry monstrous guy but theres no need to fight him**

**DAVESPRITE: so he looked me up and down all hard**

**DAVESPRITE: saw the broken sword**

**DAVESPRITE: and like before gave me the choice**

**JADESPRITE: you mean ****Choice****!**

**JADESPRITE: ****hehehe :p**

**JADESPRITE: oops**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah**

**JADESPRITE: so it was the same choice?**

**DAVESPRITE: no**

**DAVESPRITE: it was different**

**DAVESPRITE: i think it must be always different**

**DAVESPRITE: depending on the circumstances**

**DAVESPRITE: i dont know what the choice is when you face him the way youre supposed to**

**DAVESPRITE: but im showing up as this bleeding bird sprite holding his broken sword**

**DAVESPRITE: so thats pretty odd situation**

**JADESPRITE: then what did he make you decide?**

**DAVESPRITE: he sees i got his sword and its busted and you can tell hes pissed**

**DAVESPRITE: but like before its like restrained anger**

**DAVESPRITE: like hes always about to just fucking flip but still keeps it together**

**DAVESPRITE: so he can tell me**

**DAVESPRITE: he can repair it**

**DAVESPRITE: and make the deringer with the forge lit**

**DAVESPRITE: he says he can repair anything**

**DAVESPRITE: but only one thing**

**DAVESPRITE: and i had to choose**

**DAVESPRITE: so i said ok fix the sword**

**JADESPRITE: as opposed to what?**

**DAVESPRITE: meh**

**DAVESPRITE: doesnt matter really**

**DAVESPRITE: i just thought making the sword felt like the right thing**

**JADESPRITE: oh...**

**DAVESPRITE: so i gave him the sword**

**DAVESPRITE: but it still wasnt all that simple**

**DAVESPRITE: he needed lava from the forge to make it**

**DAVESPRITE: which means echidna had to be awake**

**DAVESPRITE: our denizens had to have some kind of truce to make it happen**

**DAVESPRITE: see what i mean about it being complicated**

**JADESPRITE: yeah ._.**

**DAVESPRITE: so jade must have done something right**

**DAVESPRITE: to wake her up and get the forge going**

**DAVESPRITE: dont know what she did though**

**JADESPRITE: probably something amazing**

**JADESPRITE: she is still working so hard to help everyone**

**JADESPRITE: i guess i used to be that way...**

**JADESPRITE: but ive completely forgotten how**

**DAVESPRITE: are you sure**

There was an explosion nearby.

**JADESPRITE: whats happening?**

**DAVESPRITE: reckoning**

**DAVESPRITE: its getting close to the end**

**DAVESPRITE: more meteors are getting by the portals**

**DAVESPRITE: the battlefield will probably be wiped out soon**

**JADESPRITE: can we do something to stop it?**

**DAVESPRITE: would there be a point**

**JADESPRITE: i dont know...**

**JADESPRITE: i like it here though**

**JADESPRITE: i felt like i was drawn to come here when i wasnt sure where to go**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah me too**

**JADESPRITE: the meteors**

**JADESPRITE: and all the fire...**

**JADESPRITE: it reminds me of when i died**

**JADESPRITE: and i was trying to wake john up**

**JADESPRITE: i was scared then too**

**JADESPRITE: but i didnt let the fear stop me from trying to save him**

**DAVESPRITE: what would you want to do**

**DAVESPRITE: if you werent scared**

**JADESPRITE: i have no idea**

**JADESPRITE: i guess try to help**

**JADESPRITE: what is there to do?**

**DAVESPRITE: well**

**DAVESPRITE: i was going to bring this sword to dave**

**JADESPRITE: oh noo**

**JADESPRITE: does that mean youre going to leave?**

**DAVESPRITE: no**

**DAVESPRITE: i was gonna say**

**DAVESPRITE: im not in any shape for more adventuring**

**DAVESPRITE: i figure this is probably my last stop**

**JADESPRITE: :(**

**DAVESPRITE: but maybe this is a way you can help**

**JADESPRITE: you mean...**

**JADESPRITE: that i should give him the sword?**

**DAVESPRITE: if you want**

**JADESPRITE: but i dont want to leave you here either**

**DAVESPRITE: maybe you dont have to actually go anywhere**

**DAVESPRITE: you oughta have a lot of special powers remember**

**DAVESPRITE: because of ascending to doghood**

**JADESPRITE: oh yeah!**

**DAVESPRITE: try doing your spacey thing**

**DAVESPRITE: i mean not to sound condescending or anything but its got to be like borderline omnipotence pretty much**

**DAVESPRITE: just put your mind to it**

**JADESPRITE: alright, i will try...**

Jade raised her hand and pointed it at the sword. It rose out of the ground and disappeared.

More clippings? Let's see some more John/Vriska.

**EB: i remember now.**

**EB: i was tricked by a troll into flying up to the last gate, using this rocket pack.**

**EB: she said i could take a shortcut and go kill my denizen while he was sleeping.**

**EB: it... **

**EB: did not quite work out that way.**

**AG: This sounds like Terezi's handiwork.**

**EB: i don't know. she didn't tell me her name.**

**EB: she was a blind troll. she made me this incredibly shitty map for me to follow!**

**AG: Yep. That's her.**

**AG: I guess she got 8oth of us then. Un8elieva8le.**

**EB: she tricked you too?**

**AG: Yes.**

**AG: Well, not tricked, so much as made a pointless coin flip and sta88ed me in the 8ack.**

**EB: wow. that's pretty cold blooded!**

**AG: Oh, sure. She was easily the most underhanded and villainous mem8er of our group.**

**AG: 8ut I did let my guard down. And even when she sta88ed me, I sure didn't think I was going to die.**

**EB: why not?**

**AG: It turns out immortality isn't all it's cracked up to 8e. Let's leave it at that.**

**EB: hmm...**

**EB: so i guess you never got around to giving me immortality like you said? or killing me, for that matter.**

**EB: sounds like the blind troll beat you to it.**

**AG: No, I did! 8ut...**

**AG: Ugh, this will 8e hard to explain to you.**

**EB: explain what?**

**AG: Haha. I guess in her own sick way, she actually set us up on this d8 together.**

**AG: May8e I should thank her whenever she falls asleep? Or dies, god for8id.**

**EB: so...**

**EB: now it is a date?**

**AG: I don't know.**

**AG: I said it wouldn't 8e unless you remem8ered. And now you remem8er.**

**AG: 8ut you still don't remem8er me, do you?**

**EB: nope.**

**AG: Yeah, thought so.**

**AG: This version of you died 8efore I started messing with you. Not that I expect you to understand what that means.**

**EB: no, i get that.**

**EB: if i had decided not to take the shortcut, i would have lived. and then you would have talked to me a lot?**

**AG: Yes, that's right.**

**AG: I guess I should have learned to give you more credit 8y now.**

**EB: well, i might not have figured that out, if not for...**

**EB: some things that just happened.**

**AG: I still can't 8elieve I'm meeting a version of you that doesn't remem8er a thing a8out me. None of my gr8 exploits, or any of the ways I helped you. Only that one stupid time I taunted you!**

**AG: It's a vaguely frustr8ing feeling.**

**EB: sorry... not sure what to tell you!**

**AG: So you remem8er literally nothing I told you a8out myself? Not even the, uh...**

**AG: Compromising stuff?**

**EB: well, you did just show me around your planet. which was really cool!**

**EB: ... there's compromising stuff?**

**AG: Your species would think so. 8ut I guess it doesn't matter anymore.**

**EB: i guess not.**

**EB: but who says we can't get to know each other again?**

**AG: You wouldn't find that 8oring?**

**EB: no way! not if you wouldn't.**

**EB: you said the name of the blind troll who killed us, but you have not told me yours yet.**

**AG: I haven't?**

**EB: no.**

**AG: ...**

**AG: It's Vriska.**

**EB: nice to meet you, vriska.**

**EB: i am john! even though you know that.**

**AG: Yes.**

**EB: so now what do we do? aside from be dead for probably ever.**

**AG: Man, I don't know.**

**AG: May8e,**

**AG: You could tell me a8out how you died?**

**AG: What were the "things that just happened" you were talking a8out?**

**EB: well, like i said, i flew up to the last gate. like this.**

**EB: oh, nice boots!**

**AG: ::::D**

**EB: it brought me inside the palace.**

**EB: it was huge, and it took a long time to explore. it was eerily empty too.**

**EB: i had that weird feeling of getting to a place in a video game you are not supposed to be yet, because you don't have the right powerups and such.**

**EB: you know what i mean?**

**AG: Not really.**

**AG: I'm used to taking shortcuts whenever I play games.**

**EB: oh, ok.**

**EB: so, i started getting crazy nervous the longer i was down here, and i was starting to wonder if my silly iron pogo hammer would even do any damage against the monster.**

**AG: *Snort.***

**EB: what?**

**AG: Against a denizen? Of course that piece of shit isn't going to do anything.**

**AG: If I were you, I would have chucked it into the forge.**

**EB: excuse me, it is called the wrinkle fucker, and it is totally amazing.**

**AG: It might 8e alright if you com8ined it with something awesome.**

**AG: Like some cool dice, for instance.**

**EB: that's so absurd, like anything like that would ever even happen!**

They walked through the palace and arrived at what looked like a pipe organ. There was a creepy echoey snoring sound all around, as though something terrible were sleeping beneath their feet.

**AG: What's this?**

**EB: i found it very deep in the palace dungeon. i was wandering for hours, following a horrible sound through the pipes.**

**EB: i could tell typheus was really close, because it was very loud here. it could only be the sound of him sleeping.**

**EB: i was so tempted to play it, but i didn't dare risk waking him up!**

**EB: pretty much by then i was sweating bullets at the thought of confronting him.**

**AG: You were right to 8e nervous. Denizens are incredi8ly powerful monsters. You had no chance whatsoever at this stage of the game.**

**AG: You might have stood a chance after I started helping you. 8ut Terezi really screwed you over 8y leading you here so early.**

**EB: yeah...**

**EB: i guess if i ever see her, i should thank her too.**

**AG: Why?**

**EB: because this was important.**

**AG: What was? Getting killed 8y a monster?**

**EB: well, yes. but not just that.**

**EB: the whole ruse was important!**

**EB: if i didn't make the decision to go, then dave would not be able to go back in time and fix things.**

**EB: in fact, if i didn't die here in this palace, we never would have been born in the first place!**

**AG: How could you know all that?**

**EB: this way…**

They arrived at Typheus' chamber. The denizen sat there, looking straight at them.

**AG: This denizen does not look asleep to me.**

**EB: nooope.**

**EB: he was wide awake when i found him. i practically crapped my pants!**

**AG: Well, that explains your quick death. If your denizen was anything like mine, it wouldn't have wasted much time 8efore unleashing a huge shitstorm of devast8ing monster magic.**

**EB: what was your denizen like?**

**AG: Her name was Cetus.**

**AG: She was this awful sea monster. Her lair was deep underground amidst a 8unch of shipwrecks. She was quite vicious and territorial. I knew I had to kill her quickly to release the hoard, 8efore she had the chance to do anything tricky.**

**EB: what do you mean, tricky?**

**EB: did she talk to you?**

**AG: Oh, of course. She was 8a88ling in riddles through most of the fight. I wasn't paying much attention though. I mean, what creature DOESN'T speak in 8oring riddles in this game?**

**EB: so, is that what you all did?**

**EB: kill your denizens as fast as possible, without listening to them?**

**AG: Yeah, pretty much. We were all pretty good players, remem8er?**

**EB: yes, so i've heard.**

**AG: Well...**

**AG: Ok, I can't exactly speak for everyone. There was a lot going on, and I don't know how some people went a8out 8eating their denizens.**

**AG: For instance, I'm not sure how our hero of 8reath did it. May8e the monster just released the hoard for him out of pity?**

**EB: maybe he just talked to his denizen?**

**AG: If there was a way to avoid a tough 8attle, I'm sure he found it.**

**AG: It sounds like a good way to cheat yourself out of a lot of sweet xp and loot though.**

**EB: i dunno. you might be surprised!**

**AG: John, are you saying you had a nice friendly chat with this hideous, 8loodthirsty creature 8efore he killed you?**

**EB: yes!**

**EB: typheus may not be pretty to look at...**

**EB: but he is not a bad guy at all!**

Hey! Look at this! I found the next piece to the epic of the Courtyard Droll and Captain Tyler!

CD flew away from the battleship and reported his success to the Slayer.

"What the fuck?" Jack asked. "So dumb."

CD explained that some friendly enemies were still on the ship, the ring was still missing, and… oh god. The Tumor was missing too!

"The actual mission was to make the girl dead!" Jack barked.

CD covered his ears as a cascade of loud woofs resounded from his radio. Jack disappeared from where he stood over the dead Rose and John.

Back on the battleship, WV noticed for the first time that the wallet the windy boy had given him was gone! He still had the ring, though, which was a huge relief… WV looked out the window and saw Jack standing on part of the battleship. "Oh no!" he said.

Without another thought, Jack blew the ship to smithereens.

Um… okay… let's look for the next part to that story, and quickly! What happens next!? Oh, here's a clipping of Jade back on LOFAF. Let's see what's going on here. She seems to be standing near the entrance of some sort of temple…

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]**

**CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW.**

**GG: pw.**

**CG: SERIOUSLY, WHY DID YOU GO BACK TO SEE HER? YOU DIDN'T MENTION THIS LAST TIME.**

**GG: listen fuckass**

**GG: i am going to need a password before we continue**

**GG: plz 3**

**CG: RIGHT, OK.**

**CG: LET'S SEE IF I CAN REMEMBER, IT WAS PRETTY ELABORATE IF I RECALL, OK HERE GOES.**

**CG: I'M A DISGUSTING WORTHLESS BILGESACK ON THE GARGANTUAN TEAT OF A LABORING, LEPROUS MUSCLEBEAST. MY SELF ESTEEM IS SO SMALL, ITS EXISTENCE IS A MATTER OF CONJECTURE AMONG THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS. I SMELL SO BAD, THE STENCH CANNOT BE EXPRESSED WITH EVEN THE MOST ELOQUENT, FLORID LANGUAGE. THE ODOR MY BODY MAKES HAS MADE POETS CRY. I HAVE WON SPECIAL AWARDS FOR DISCOVERING NEW PLACES TO TOUCH MYSELF EROTICALLY WHILE FARTING. I UNFAIRLY PULVERIZE THE COMPETITION IN ASSHOLE PAGEANTS, AND I HAVE RECEIVED A LIFETIME BAN FROM UGLY CONTESTS BY PRESIDENT SHITFACE HIMSELF. MY BLOOD IS NOT FIT TO FLOW THROUGH A SEWER, AND MY SIGN IS A PICTOGRAPHIC SYMBOL THAT LOOSELY TRANSLATES AS "PLEASE HIKE THESE PANTS UP TO THIS GUY'S ARMPITS, CHAIN HIM TO A FLOGGING JUT, AND MAKE A FUCKING EXAMPLE OUT OF THIS SORRY SACK OF SHIT." WHEN I LOOK IN A MIRROR, MY REFLECTION SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD WHILE I WET MYSELF IN SHAME.**

**GG: ... :|**

**CG: WHAT, THAT WAS IT, WASN'T IT. HOW WAS THAT NOT FUCKING IT, DID I FORGET AN APOSTROPHE SOMEWHERE?**

**GG: no karkat, that was not quite the password**

**GG: but you were on the right track :p**

**CG: CAN WE JUST TALK NOW**

**GG: do you even remember the right password?**

**CG: SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF GRATUITOUS SELF DEPRECATION FORCED INTO MY MOUTH, INVOLVING REFERENCE TO SOME KIND OF WEIRD HUMAN COUPLING RITUAL?**

**GG: youre being deliberately dumb**

**GG: it was...**

**GG: IF I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, THEN WHY DON'T I HATEMARRY MYSELF?**

**GG: remember?**

**GG: i was just using the password system to poke a little fun at you, and you turn it into this whole overdramatic thing, jeeeeez.**

**CG: HAHA! WHEE.**

**CG: CAN WE GET DOWN TO FUCKING BUSINESS AGAIN?**

**GG: i wonder if we will ever be able to start a conversation without having a ridiculous argument about the password system?**

**CG: IF YOU WOULD DROP THE PASSWORD SYSTEM AND LET FUTURE ME TALK TO YOU, HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU AN ANSWER.**

**CG: SPOILER: THE ANSWER WOULD BE NO, BECAUSE THE PASSWORDS ARE RETARDED.**

**GG: why would i want to do that?**

**GG: the only guy whos dumber than past karkat is future karkat, and vice versa!**

**GG: i have this on good authority from both sources**

**CG: I STILL THINK YOUR USE OF THE TERMS IS KIND OF ASININE, THERE REALLY IS NO PAST OR FUTURE KARKAT FROM YOUR VIEW**

**CG: THERE'S KARKAT WHO KNOWS LESS STUFF AND KARKAT WHO KNOWS MORE STUFF. WHY NOT JUST GATHER THE FACTS FROM THE ONE WHO'S GOT THE LOWDOWN ALREADY?**

**CG: I MEAN, I'D DO IT MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T STAND THE GUY.**

**GG: you see, that is your problem**

**GG: okay, one of your many, many problems...**

**GG: you have no patience to do things the right way, youre always just looking for the shortcut!**

**GG: even if doing so has brought you nothing but trouble a hundred times before**

**GG: it is sort of funny that the only thing standing in your way is one of your other problems, your preposterous self loathing**

**GG: so you cant even trust your future self to help you cheat!**

**GG: its like you have so many problems, they cancel each other out**

**CG: THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING STANDING IN MY WAY. YOUR STUPID PASSWORDS ARE ALSO STANDING IN MY WAY. IF NOT FOR THAT I COULD BE FAST TRACKING THIS TO SOLUTION CITY FOR US BOTH.**

**GG: exactly :D**

**CG: OK, WHATEVER, LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THIS "LINEAR CONVERSATION" OK?**

**GG: ok**

**CG: SO YOU GAVE ME THAT SILLY PASSWORD, AND WE ENDED OUR CONVERSATION A FEW MINUTES AGO FROM MY END**

**CG: AND I SCANNED AHEAD LOOKING FOR A GOOD MOMENT ON YOUR TIMELINE TO PICK IT UP AGAIN**

**CG: AND I NOTICE YOU WENT BACK TO SEE HER AGAIN FOR SOME REASON**

**GG: yes**

**CG: SO I'M JUST WONDERING WHY**

**CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FROG BREEDING, I THOUGHT WE WERE ON A ROLL WITH THAT**

**GG: yes, we still are!**

**GG: this little detour was related to that task. we should be nearly done.**

**CG: WHAT WAS SHE EVEN SAYING TO YOU, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF THAT HORRIFYING GIBBERISH.**

**GG: i can understand her just fine!**

**CG: I STILL DON'T REALLY GET IT.**

**CG: WHY MY DENIZEN WAS SUCH A NIGHTMARE WHILE YOURS APPARENTLY GIVES YOU GUTTURAL PEP TALKS IN SOME BYZANTINE MONSTER LANGUAGE.**

**GG: we already talked about this**

**GG: echidna and i have an understanding now ;)**

**CG: OOH, VAGUE BULLSHIT, IT'S THE EXACT FUCKING THING I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF.**

**GG: well maybe if you werent in such a grumpy hurry all the time you wouldnt have killed your denizen so quickly**

**GG: you might have actually learned something!**

**CG: HUGE UGLY MONSTERS ARE FOR KILLING, PERIOD.**

**GG: did you ever talk to kanaya about it?**

**CG: I DON'T REMEMBER, MAYBE?**

**CG: I'M A BUSY GUY, JADE. I TALK TO A LOT OF PEOPLE ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF, INCLUDING MYSELF.**

**GG: her situation was very similar to mine**

**CG: I THOUGHT SHE KILLED HER DENIZEN TO LIGHT THE FORGE OR SOMETHING**

**GG: it doesnt sound like you got the whole story**

**GG: or maybe you just werent listening to her :p**

**CG: WELL I SURE DON'T THINK IT WAS WHATEVER YOU DID**

**CG: AND IN ANY CASE I THOUGHT ALL THAT WAS OVER WITH**

**CG: WHY ARE YOU BACK, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FROG BREEDING?**

**GG: this was kanayas suggestion**

**CG: KANAYA'S STILL HELPING YOU?**

**GG: yes!**

**GG: im talking to her right now actually**

**CG: OH**

**CG: I SEE HER ACROSS THE ROOM, SHE'S NOT TALKING TO ANYONE ON A COMPUTER NOW.**

**GG: durrr, of course not, shes from a different time than you genius**

**CG: WHICH TIME**

**GG: a few hours in your future!**

**CG: AH, I SEE HOW IT IS.**

**CG: YOU WON'T TALK TO FUTURE KARKAT UNTIL I JUMP THROUGH YOUR FUCKING PASSWORD HOOPS AND BECOME HIM EVENTUALLY**

**CG: BUT YOU'LL TALK TO FUTURE KANAYA JUST LIKE THAT. DOUBLE STANDARD ANYBODY? JADE SAYS YES PLEASE.**

**GG: you are so ridiculous, i have kanaya using the same password system as you**

**GG: she is just a little further ahead on my timeline is all**

**GG: it would be pretty hard to keep you both synced up!**

**CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT SHIT SPOILED FROM THE FUTURE THOUGH.**

**GG: yeah, from MY future, i dont want you guys telling me the things i do before i do them because you talked to future me!**

**GG: but knowing a few things about your future doesnt really matter, NOT that i am going to tell you any of it, so dont ask**

**CG: I THINK I AM ON THE VERGE OF BECOMING A RELIGIOUS PERSON, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO TURN TO REMOVE THE AWESOME SUFFERING THAT TROLLIAN'S TEMPORAL CHAT BULLSHIT MIRACULOUSLY CONTINUES TO INFLICT ON ME.**

**CG: MAYBE THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WILL COME AND TAKE MY PAIN AWAY? OH YES, THAT SOUNDS HEAVENLY.**

**CG: JADE, PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PAINT MY FACE TO OUTWARDLY REFLECT THE BEAUTY OF MY INNER AWAKENING, AND DRUB MY THINK PAN MERCILESSLY TO REDUCE MY INTELLIGENCE TO THE LEVEL NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN THESE BELIEFS.**

**GG: siiign, what are you even talking about?**

**CG: ARE WE ALMOST DONE CRAFTING THIS "MASTER PLAN"?**

**CG: I HAVE STUFF TO ATTEND TO HERE. MY TEAM IS FALLING APART.**

**CG: AND I CAN'T FIND GAMZEE ANYWHERE. I'M WORRIED HE MIGHT HAVE WANDERED OFF SOMEWHERE AND GOT HURT.**

**GG: aw**

**GG: well...**

**GG: youll find him**

**CG: I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T TELLING ME ABOUT MY FUTURE.**

**GG: i know, i made an exception**

**GG: but only one!**

**CG: LET'S MOVE THIS ALONG. JUST UPDATE ME ON THE FROGS, AND GIVE ME A NEW PASSWORD, OK?**

**GG: kanaya thinks we should all talk about this**

**GG: she says youre important to consult on the matter, but the you from her time is too busy**

**CG: BUSY WITH WHAT?**

**GG: :x!**

**GG: she is opening a memo**

Hey! Why not try a "==" command? They look kind of like candy! ⇒


	134. Untitled

Chapter 8: Untitled Chapter

Woah! Cool! So the "==" commands take you to a new chapter? Let's try it again! ⇒


	135. And Some More Clippings

Chapter 9: And Some More Clippings

Oh! There's the next piece of the battleship arc! So… where did we leave off? Oh yeah! The battleship was broken.

Part of the Dersite battleship flew towards a Skaian gate that had appeared out of nowhere. As it fell inside and became an asteroid, Captain Tyler and The Tumor flew from the ship in one of the escape pods.

The part of the ship that continued to fall contained WV. He and the ring streaked down to the Earth and zoomed past a tree with a SBURB capsule hanging from one of its branches. A Peregrine Mendicant wearing yellow rags looked up as it flew by.

Okay. Cool. That explains the whole exile thing. So they weren't really exiled from anything.

Oh! Here's a clip of an old conversation between Gamzee and Tavros. Or is it a dream bubble? I really can't tell anymore.

**TC: If mOtHeRfUcKiN MaGiC'S AlL We'vE EvEr kNoWn aT**

**TC: ThEn iT'S EaSy tO Be mIsSiN WhAt bE FuCkIn tHe hApS**

**TC: BuT I'M AlL ScOpIn aT MiRaClEs tHaT ArE Up iN ThE AiR**

**TC: GoT My sEe oN Of mIrAcLeS, tHeY'Re hErE AnD ThEy'rE ThErE**

**TC: I Be cHeCkIn tHe mIrAcLeS WhIlE FaLlInG DoWn sTaIrS**

**TC: SeEn tHe sHiT OuT A MiRaClEs tHaT ArE AlL BeInG Up aT BaSiCaLlY PrEtTy mUcH EvErYwHeRe, FuCk...**

**TC: OcEaNs oF FaYgO FuCkIn gLiTtEr lIkE SpAcE**

**TC: A FiSt fUlL Of sTaRdUsT'S WhAt's pOoFiN My fAcE**

**TC: A MiLlIoN HoRnS HoNkIn rAcKeTs iN PiLeS**

**TC: A OnE WhEeL DeViCe wHaT CaN RoCkEt iN StYlE**

**TC: Is sHiT ThAt wHaT I WiSh fOr**

**TC: BeCaUsE... (MoThErFuCkIn cHoRuS BrO)**

**TC: I'M AlL A FiRm bElIeVeR At tHe mIrAcLeS**

**TC: Do yOu hAvE TiMe fOr mY MiRaClEs, BrOtHeR :o)**

**TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS**

**TC: So mAnY FuCkIn mIrAcLeS, tHe mAgIc mOtHeRfUcKiN MiRaClEs**

**TC: HoNk.**

**AT: oHH,**

**AT: hAHA, oH YEAH, tHAT WAS,**

**AT: sOO STRICT, **

**TC: AhAhA, yEaH, bRo?**

**AT: mOST DEFINITELY, yOUR RHYMES, **

**AT: tHEY ARE RUTHLESSLY DISCIPLINARY, aND MY HEAR DUCTS HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY,**

**AT: i THINK, **

**AT: tHEY ARE NAUGHTY FOR MORE, }:) **

**TC: MoThErFuCk dUdE, yOu bEsT UnDeRsTaNd i gOt mOrE SlAmS In mE.**

**TC: ThEy bE As fOrEvEr aS My lImItLeSs fAiTh iN AlL My bElIeViNgS AnD ShIt.**

**AT: }:O**

**TC: BuT WhAt i mOtHeRfUcKiN NeEd, My bRoThEr...**

**TC: AsIdE Of pLoWiNg nOsE FuCkInG FiRsT InTo a bItChIn pAn oF TeNaCiOuS MuCiLaGe**

**TC: Is tO ChEcK OuT WhAt sLaMs yOu cAn sTiCk iN My dUcTs!**

**AT: yEAHHH,**

**AT: oH YEAH, tHESE MOST ENTIRELY CAN BE PROVIDED,**

**AT: tHEY CAN BE DROPPED STRAIGHT INTO THE ORIFICES YOU MENTIONED, **

**TC: HaHa, FuCkIn dRoP It bRo!**

**TC: DrOp iT LiKe yOu sPaCeD OuT AnD FoRgOt yOu wErE HoLdInG It iN ThE FiRsT MoThErFuCkIn pLaCe.**

**AT: yOU BROUGHT UP A PAN, uH, **

**AT: iN THAT LAST sTAN, zA**

**AT: bUT THE ONE i'M A FAN, oF**

**AT: iS THE PAN HANDLED PUP, a,**

**TC: ShIiIiIiIiIiIt.**

**AT: yES, sHIT, iS A LEGIT,**

**AT: tHING TO SAY ABOUT IT,**

**AT: aBOUT THE PAN WITH THE MANGRIT,**

**AT: oN WHOM i NOW SLAM IT,**

**TC: SlAm iT LiKe a fUcKiN DoOr bY AcCiDeNt oN SoMeThInG ThAt hUrTs!**

**TC: HoNkHoNkHoNkHoNkHoNk.**

**AT: yOU CAN'T HANDLE MY SLAMS, **

**AT: wELL, uNLESS WHEN YOU CAN,**

**AT: iN WHICH CASE, tHAT'S COOL, uH**

**AT: i JUST SERVE UP THE HOOPLA,**

**AT: tO GOAT NOSES, tHAT ARE HOOPLESS, }:o)**

**AT: aBOUT THE PAN, wHO'S CALLED PUPA,**

**AT: iN THE CASE YOU WERE CLUELESS, **

**AT: aBOUT THE PAN WHO CAN MAN, uP,**

**AT: aND IS ABLE TO STAND, uP,**

**AT: oN LEGS uNLIKE MINE, wHICH,**

**AT: aRE FUNCTIONALLY USELESS,**

**TC: GoD DaAaAaAaAaAaAaMn. YoU ArE DeAlIn sOmE HeArTy rEpRoAcH ToNiGhT.**

**TC: FlYiNg fUcKiN HiGh, MaN.**

**TC: HiGhEr tHaN A LaUgHsAsSiN Up oN ThE MoThErFuCkIn gRiEf tRaPeZe.**

**TC: HiGhEr tHaN A SuBjUgGlAtOr gEtTiN HiS WeEp oN FoR ThE VaSt hOnK I BeLiEvE In tO CoMe.**

**AT: hAHA, i WISH, }:)**

**TC: No bRo i'm sErIoUs, YoUr rHyMeS ArE FlY As tHe mOsT WiCkEd pIeCe oF ShIt a mIrAcLe eVeR ToOk iN ThE SkY.**

**TC: SoMeOnE ClIp tHeIr mOtHeRfUcKiN WiNgS So i sTaNd a cHaNcE! wHoOpS, i mEaN SiT A ChAnCe, FuCk...**

**AT: tHE ONLY THING MORE FLY THAN THE RHYMES,**

**AT: i'M SAYING TO EXPRESS ALL MY MALICES,**

**AT: iS THE ABILITY HE HAD i WISH WAS MINE, **

**AT: iNSTEAD OF i GUESS, THIS EXCESSIVE PARALYSIS,**

**TC: (lOoK OuT FoR ThE HoOk bRo!)**

**TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs.**

**TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!**

**AT: bUT HIGH, iN THIS CASE, hAS DOUBLE THE MEANING,**

**AT: iT MEANS HE CAN FLY, pLUS DOES HIGH SELF ESTEEMING,**

**AT: tHAT'S TWO THINGS HE HAS, tHAT i'D RATHER WERE MINE,**

**AT: hIS TWO FLAPPY WINGS, aND hIS BIG HEALTHY SPINE,**

**AT: oOPS, **

**AT: tHAT'S THREE THINGS,,,**

**TC: GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS, gEt oFfA ThOsE WhEeLs.**

**TC: If mIrAcLeS ArEn't fAkE He'lL GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!**

**AT: uSING MY LEAST USELESS FOOT,**

**AT: tO KICK IT BACK OVER TO YOU, fRIEND,**

**TC: ShIiIt,**

**AT: sLAM IT, uHH, lIKE, tHE DOOR IN THE FACE OF A CULLING DRONE,**

**AT: lET'S PRETEND THAT'S A REAL POSSIBILITY, aND NOT INVITATION TO AN EVEN MORE PAINFUL DEATH, jUST FOR THE SAKE OF THAT EXPRESSION,**

**TC: MoThErFuCk iT, mOtHeRfUcKeR!**

**TC: PuRe mAgIc iS AlL WhEn tHeRe bE HaTcHiN Of gRuBs**

**TC: I'Ve sEeN ShIt tHaT WoUlD ShOcK YoUr lOoKsTuBs**

**TC: I PeEpEd oN A PlAcE Of 6 tRiLlIoN HeMoS**

**TC: AlL Up aT OnE RoCk, BlEeDiNg aS EqUaLs**

**TC: It's eAsY To sEe iF YoU SeArCh aLl yOuR FeElInS**

**TC: ThAt pEaCe hApPeNs fIrSt, AnD MuRdEr's tHe sEqUeL**

**TC: It's tHe bEaUtY Of tHe cArNiVaL, tHe mAgIc's iN TeNtS**

**TC: FuCkIn dArKnEsS OuTsIdE, bUt tHe lIgHt mAkEs yOu wInCe**

**TC: JuSt tAkE My mOtHeR FuCkIn hAnD BrO**

**TC: PuT On yOuR ShAdEs, PuLl bAcK ThE FlAp**

**TC: AnD GeT OfFa tHoSe wHeElS!**

**AT: oKAY, i DID,**

**AT: nOW i'M ON THE FLOOR, mOTIONLESS, iN A TERRIBLE WAY,**

**AT: sO i GOT BACK ON THE WHEELS, iT WAS,**

**AT: i NICE THOUGHT THOUGH,**

**TC: HaHaHa fUcK MoThErFuCkIn yEaH!**

**TC: LeT'S TaKe tHiS NiNjA-tItTiEd BiTcH BaCk tO ThE HiVe wItH ThE ChOrUs...**

**TC: ToGeThEr mY MiRaClE BrOtHeR!**

**AT: yES,**

**TC: I'M AlL A FiRm bElIeVeR At tHe mIrAcLeS**

**AT: dO YOU HAVE TIME FOR, mY MIRACLES, rELIGIOUS FRIEND, }:)**

**TC: Do yOu gEt yOuR NoTiCe oN Of tHe mIrAcLeS**

**AT: sO MANY, uH, gRATUITOUS EXPLETIVE, mIRACLES, tHE MAGIC MOTHER, aLSO eXPLETIVE, mIRACLES,**

**TC: FuCk yEs, HeReS WhErE ThE SlAm tUrNs tO NoThIn bUt hOnKs...**

**TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk**

**TC: HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk hOnK HoNk**

**AT: HONK,**

**TC: FuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuUuCk!**

**AT: iT'S LESS APPROPRIATE FOR ME TO DO THE HONKS, tHAN YOU, bUT THAT WAS STILL GREAT,**

**TC: YeAh, BrO. yEaH!**

**AT: tHE SLAMS WERE TRULY PRIME, aND,**

**AT: yOUR RELIGIOUS VIEWS, tHOUGH i DON'T SHARE THEM, aRE,**

**AT: rEASONABLY INSPIRATIONAL, **

**AT: i THINK i'M IN THE PROCESS OF RELEASING AT LEAST ONE TEAR,**

**TC: Me tOo, BrO, yOu mOtHeR FuCkIn kNoW ThErE Be sOmE Of mY EyE's RoYaL JeLlY To gO WiTh yOuR EmOtIoNaL pEaNuT BuTtEr.**

**AT: wHOA, aHA, hA, **

**TC: ThIs iS BeAuTiFuL, dUdE, i fEeL So aT ChIlL WiTh yOu.**

**AT: yEAH, fRIENDLINESS WITH YOU IS, pRETTY MUCH ALWAYS NICE, aND FUN TO HAVE, **

**TC: HeY...**

**TC: WhEn wE Up aNd sTaRt tO KiCk aT ThIs rEd TeAm NoIsE,**

**TC: YoU ShOuLd mAkE YoUr wAy tO GeT YoUr hAnG On aT My hIvE.**

**AT: oH, yES, tOTALLY,**

**TC: We cOuLd sPlIt a tIn oF ThE PiMpEsT SnEeZe i gOt oN HaNd, BaKeD Up aLl sPeCiAl fOr yOu.**

**TC: AnD ThEn mAyBe mAkE OuT A LiTtLe.**

**AT: uH,**

**TC: ;o)**

**AT: ,**

**AT: ,,**

Gamzee? A potential matesprit?

**AT: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,**

Okay… that was interesting. Now let's take a peek at what Doc Scratch is doing. Why not? There's a clipping of it right here.

**Yes, it would appear that you are currently viewing a clipping that includes me. Allow me to narrate as I walk.**

**When you last saw me, I went off to pacify my houseguest. She was making an awful banging racket, so I picked up my broom and went up to her door.**

**Oh shut up. Stop throwing a tantrum.**

**I am terribly sorry. I will let you get back to some more clippings, as I fear this one is drawing to a close. However, I remain an excellent host even when I am pacifying a houseguest that I keep under lock and key. Please, have another "==" command whenever you feel like it. It may progress the story slightly.**

He keeps a houseguest under lock and key? He must have a good reason, what with being omniscient and all. Let's see what's going on with Jade.

Woah! This clipping is not where we left off at all!

A bunch of frogs that were squatting in the grand foyer croaked simultaneously. Bec Noir, who was in the corner, was stamping on one of the frogs repeatedly.

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **03:14 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG: OH GOD, HE'S STILL FOLLOWING YOU?**

**PCG: THAT IS SO MESSED UP.**

**?GG: yeah...**

**?GG: its ok though. as long as he is tailing me like a lost puppy, at least hes not killing anybody**

**PCG: DON'T TRUST HIM JADE, I'M TELLING YOU. HE IS A STAB HAPPY PLANET EXPLODING ASSHOLE.**

**PCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO DAVE? IT WAS LIKE THIS WHOLE EPISODE, YOU HAD A HYSTERICAL EPISODE ABOUT IT, REMEMBER?**

**?GG: i remember the episode!**

**?GG: but hes ok now**

**?GG: and im kind of starting to think that was just his way of saying hi**

**?GG: my dog used to fetch my bullets too!**

**?GG: i really think he believes he is my dog, on some level**

**PCG: JUST DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON HIM, JADE.**

**PCG: DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE PUPPY.**

**?GG: dont worry, im keeping my eye on him**

**?GG: aaaaaa no no no, bad jack, bad!**

Jade rolled up a newspaper and wapped him on the snout with it. She was so preoccupied that she didn't notice a mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the room. Neither did Karkat. Or Kanaya, for that matter.

**PCG: HE REALLY SEEMS TO HATE FROGS.**

**?GG: yeah...**

**?GG: the poor froggies :(**

**PCG: MY JACK HAD THIS IRRATIONAL THING AGAINST FROGS TOO.**

**PCG: I MEAN MY NORMAL JACK. NOT PSYCHOPATH OMNIPOJACK.**

**FGA: Derse Agents Are Heavily Predisposed Toward The Murder And Desecration Of Amphibious Lifeforms And Their Iconography Respectively**

**FGA: Frequently I Had To Thwart Assassination Attempts From Their Kingdom**

**FGA: Or Extermination Attempts Is Probably Better To Say**

**?GG: youre probably right, they really seem to drive him crazy**

**?GG: this is not the first time i have had to reprimand him**

**PCG: WAIT, DID HE FOLLOW YOU INTO THE PALACE TOO JUST NOW?**

**PCG: IS THAT WHO YOU WERE YELLING AT?**

**?GG: he was growling at echidna and i had to tell him he was being very bad**

**?GG: he destroyed some of her really nice statues too**

**?GG: keeping him in line really makes me miss bec, he was such a good dog**

**?GG: not to mention a best friend**

**?GG: jack is just...**

**FGA: Bad Dog**

**FGA: Worst Enemy**

**?GG: exactly**

**PCG: I DON'T LIKE THIS A FUCKING BIT, IT MAKES ME REALLY NERVOUS.**

**PCG: YOU JUST CHILLING WITH AN UNSPEAKABLY POWERFUL MASS MURDERER WITH THE BRAIN OF A WILD ANIMAL WHO'S ABOUT TO HOP SESSIONS AND TRY TO KILL ALL OF US IN A FEW HOURS.**

**PCG: AND WHAT WERE YOU EVEN DOING THERE AGAIN, YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME.**

**?GG: huh?**

**PCG: THE PALACE.**

**FGA: I Recommended She Return To Her Denizen For Advice**

**PCG: ABOUT WHAT**

**FGA: The Location Of The Final Frog Required To Complete The Gene Sequence**

**FGA: One Whose Song Should Remove The Last Traces Of Dissonance From The Waveform**

**FGA: The Creature Is Quite Elusive Remember**

**PCG: OH YEAH**

**PCG: YOU WERE SEARCHING FOR WEEKS**

**FGA: Yes**

**PCG: AND YOU NEVER FOUND IT**

**FGA: I Had A Good Lead**

**FGA: But You Decided There Was Not Enough Time Left To Bother With It**

**PCG: THE RECKONING HAD STARTED.**

**PCG: WE HAD TO KILL THE KING.**

**FGA: Understood But This Was A Matter That Really Did Require Your Attention**

**PCG: YEAH I KNOW, BUT MAYBE I WAS SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF MUDDLING AROUND WITH FROGS AND THEIR CACOPHONOUS GODDAMN RIBBITS AND MIXING THEIR SLIME AND SHIT.**

**PCG: I'M NOT AN ECTO SCIENTIST NO MATTER HOW MANY GRUBS WHO TURNED OUT TO BE US THE GAME MADE ME ACCIDENTALLY MAKE.**

**?GG: but you are a programmer arent you? that is at least kind of like being a scientist, having some technical savvy...**

**PCG: I WAS A SHITTY PROGRAMMER. AND ANYWAY I ONLY PROGRAMMED VIRUSES.**

**PCG: SHITTY VIRUSES.**

**PCG: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE A SLIME TECHNICIAN OR A FROG FARMER OR A MYSTICAL FUCKING CROAK DECODER. I'M A WARRIOR AND A LEADER AND A COLD BLOODED KILLER.**

**?GG: we know! you are clearly very good at being all of those things**

**?GG: but now we need your help with frog science. can you help us?**

**PCG: HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE**

**PCG: I DON'T MIND HELPING BUT I HAVE MAJOR LEADERSHIP DUTIES TO ATTEND TO HERE.**

**FGA: Yes I Know The Team Is Falling Apart And Everything**

**FGA: But Doing This Was Your Duty Too**

**FGA: And After A Point Of Critical Complication There Is Only So Much Responsibility You Can Take For The Actions Of Your Team**

**PCG: KANAYA, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?**

**PCG: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FUTURE, ARE YOU GIVING ME SOME ASSURANCE THAT THINGS WILL WORK OUT?**

**PCG: BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL ANYBODY IS.**

**FGA: The Future**

**FGA: Um**

**FGA: Okay Im A Vampire Now Apparently If That Helps**

**PCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A VAMPIRE**

**?GG: shhhhhhhshhhshhshshsh...**

**?GG: SHOOSH**

**?GG: no future talk! lets stay on topic**

**PCG: OH MY GOD WHY CAN'T I GET A STRAIGHT FUCKING ANSWER TO A THING, IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION**

**?GG: kanaya means she is a very pretty girl with pointy fangs who has a bright sunny complexion and wears fancy dresses**

**PCG: THANKS, THAT CLEARED EVERYTHING JUST RIGHT THE HELL UP!**

**?GG: and...**

**?GG: she drinks blood _**

**PCG: OH**

**PCG: YOU MEAN A RAINBOW DRINKER**

**PCG: YEAH, I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT HER TRASHY NOVEL FANTASIES.**

**PCG: ARE WE DONE SHITTING AROUND**

**FGA: They Arent Trashy**

**?GG: hee hee**

**PCG: YES, HILARIOUS.**

**PCG: I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE TO BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE SKEPTICISM IN THIS SITUATION IS FOR IDIOTS RIGHT?**

**PCG: IF I SAID "YEAH RIGHT! IF THERE'S A DRINKER IN THIS HIVE I'LL EAT MY COCOON!" I'D BE LIKE THE DUMB LUSUS IN THE MOVIE WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE THE KID WHEN HE TELLS IT THERE'S A RAINBOW DRINKER IN THE CLOSET.**

**PCG: SO I GUESS BY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY I SHOULD NOT BE THAT DUMBASS, YELL "OH FUCK", AND TELL EVERYONE TO GET IN THE SCUTTLEBUGGY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.**

**PCG: WELL FAT CHANCE, I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT.**

**FGA: That Sounds Like A Stupid Movie**

**PCG: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE ANYWAY, DID YOU SEE HER IN ONE OF YOUR AFTERLIFE BUBBLES?**

**?GG: yup :)**

**PCG: WHY? WHEN?**

**?GG: karkat...**

**?GG: that information qualifies as...**

**?GG: FUTURE STUFF!**

**PCG: JUST**

**PCG: I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, SHIT IS GETTING AWAY FROM ME**

**PCG: THE MORE TIME GOES BY WITHOUT WORD FROM GAMZEE THE MORE I WORRY**

**PCG: AND THE MORE I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED**

**PCG: OR WILL HAPPEN**

**PCG: I SHOULD GO.**

**?GG: no wait! just please listen a little longer?**

**FGA: Yes Staying Would Be Better**

**FGA: Trust Me That This Was And Still Is A Very Important Thing For You To Have Done And Still Do**

**FGA: Maybe Even The Most Important**

**PCG: FINE.**

**PCG: BUT LET'S MOVE IT ALONG.**

**PCG: DID ECHIDNA TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND THIS FROG?**

**?GG: not exactly...**

**?GG: she just helped me remember**

**PCG: REMEMBER WHAT?**

**?GG: something from my past**

**?GG: if i accepted her terms**

**FGA: What Were Her Terms You Never Did Tell Me**

**?GG: yeah because you never told me yours!**

**FGA: Oh**

**FGA: I Just Thought It Wasnt That Important Or Interesting**

**FGA: Since Karkat Thought The Battle Was More Pressing Than To Wait For Me To Locate Another Frog**

**FGA: Also**

**FGA: What She Asked Me To Do Was Impossible**

**FGA: So**

**FGA: Yeah**

**?GG: hmm**

**?GG: yeah she made me promise to do something that sounds impossible too**

**?GG: except...**

**?GG: i actually agreed :o**

**?GG: i have no idea how im going to keep my side of the bargain, now that i think about it**

**PCG: EXCUSE ME.**

**PCG: REMEMBER**

**PCG: FUCKING**

**PCG: WHAT.**

**?GG: oh right**

**?GG: where the last frog is!**

**?GG: or was...**

**?GG: the thing is**

**?GG: the frog we need is nowhere to be found in the medium**

**?GG: it was on earth!**

**?GG: but only very briefly**

**?GG: it was when i was young**

**?GG: before i woke up on prospit**

**?GG: i had begun sleep walking**

**?GG: both on the island and on the moon**

**?GG: and in my dream it was very bright**

**?GG: i saw something in the light**

**?GG: i couldnt tell what it was so i got closer**

**?GG: but before i got there i woke up**

**?GG: and found myself by the lagoon surrounding the ruins**

**?GG: i was about to walk home**

**?GG: when i saw something appear on a lily pad**

**?GG: it was a frog!**

**?GG: an amazing shiny frog, not like any other ive seen in the lagoon**

**?GG: it hopped over to me and i picked it up**

**?GG: but then, just like that…**

**?GG: it died**

**?GG: later my grandpa made a robot for me to help me with my sleep walking**

**?GG: it could do all the walking while i stayed safe in bed!**

**?GG: it could also record my dreams**

**?GG: i am sure he always knew my dreams were going to be special**

**?GG: i suspect he knew it before i was even born**

**PCG: OK GREAT, SO IT'S THERE ON THE MONITOR, PROBLEM SOLVED**

**PCG: YOU JUST APPEARIFY ITS GHOST IMPRINT, MIX IT WITH YOUR CURRENT EVOLUTION'S PARADOX SLIME, SMOOTH OUT THE GENETIC WAVEFORM, TADPOLIFY BILIOUS SLICK, AND YOU'RE DONE.**

**?GG: hopefully!**

**PCG: SO YOU DIDN'T REMEMBER SEEING THIS FROG WHEN YOU WERE A KID AT ALL?**

**?GG: no, it completely slipped my mind**

**PCG: HOW DID SHE GET YOU TO REMEMBER?**

**PCG: I MEAN, WHAT DID SHE MAKE YOU AGREE TO?**

**?GG: well, like it was before**

**?GG: the choices she gives you seem to have to do with facing mortality**

**?GG: and making it clear if you choose one path over another it will lead to your death**

**?GG: and that your death may even be necessary to accomplish a goal**

**FGA: Yes Ive Inferred Their Ultimata Are All Personalized Variations On The Presentation Of Such Dilemmas**

**?GG: yeah**

**?GG: but**

**?GG: that is not really what made this hard**

**?GG: i mean**

**?GG: nobody wants to die of course**

**?GG: but at least...**

**?GG: that is a clear thing**

**?GG: you either do or you dont**

**?GG: you know?**

**PCG: YOU SAID WHAT SHE ASKED WAS IMPOSSIBLE.**

**?GG: it might be**

**FGA: What Were Her Demands**

**?GG: she said**

**?GG: that if i accepted her help**

**?GG: that i would have to make a promise**

**?GG: that whenever we left this place**

**?GG: and wherever we end up going**

**?GG: she had to come**

**PCG: HUH?**

**?GG: not just echidna but all the denizens**

**?GG: their palaces their consorts their lands...**

**?GG: everything**

**?GG: i have to bring them all with us**

Next clipping. This one is of Sollux and Aradia.

**AA: hey what are you doing out here!**

**TA: 0ut where?**

**AA: out of your bubble**

**TA: oh, i dunn0.**

**TA: am i not supp0sed to leave?**

**AA: i just didnt think you could**

**AA: i guess you must have a foot on either side**

**AA: cant say im surprised!**

**TA: uh, ok.**

**TA: s0 what are you d0ing out here?**

**AA: i am waiting for friends to arrive**

**AA: they will need my help**

**TA: what friends?**

**TA: m0re ghosts?**

**AA: no theyre alive**

**AA: first**

**AA: there will be two humans**

**AA: they should be joining us any minute**

**TA: first?**

**TA: then what?**

**AA: then rest of our party**

**AA: the survivors**

**TA: 0h**

**TA: so then, we made it 0ut here alright.**

**AA: yes**

**AA: well**

**AA: they made it**

**AA: your body will arrive with them**

**AA: along with the others**

**AA: hey maybe we can have a funeral!**

**TA: whats a funeral?**

**AA: kind of like**

**AA: a big corpse party**

**AA: the humans could probably explain it better than me**

**TA: ok, c0ol.**

**TA: SHIT, it's s0 bright, how can y0u stand it here?**

**AA: you can see the sun?**

**TA: yeah, i can see it.**

**TA: but..**

**TA: it lo0ks 2d.**

**TA: O_0**

**Hey! I thought I told you to help yourself to another "==" command. Go ahead. Take one. That's not a suggestion. It's a command. Take another "==" command.**

**Oh god! Why won't that infernal girl stop knocking on that door? **

BANG! BANG! BANG!

⇒, I guess...


	136. Cancer

Chapter 10: Cancer

I'm just done with prefacing all the clippings. Why not read them one by one like a normal person, as if Homestuck is actually continuing! Even though the damn disc is scratched… Thanks, Terezi.

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **01:34 HOURS AGO responded to memo. **

**PCG: JADE?**

**PCG: ARE YOU STILL RESPONDING TO THIS MEMO?**

**PCG: I GUESS I DON'T HAVE MUCH ENERGY LEFT TO ARGUE ABOUT PASSWORDS.**

**PCG: I DIDN'T EVEN GET A PASSWORD LAST TIME.**

**PCG: I HAD TO LEAVE ABRUPTLY BECAUSE SOLLUX AND ERIDAN STARTED DUELING AGAIN.**

**PCG: AND THEN FEFERI AND KANAYA...**

**PCG: IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.**

**PCG: AND NOW GAMZEE IS HUNTING US ALL DOWN IN MURDER MODE.**

**PCG: HE'S BEEN TAUNTING ME THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE'S MESSAGING DEVICES.**

**PCG: AND LEAVING ME DISTURBING NOTES.**

**PCG: I'M SURE OTHERS MUST BE DEAD BY NOW.**

**PCG: AND NOW SOLLUX IS BLIND AND I LOST TRACK OF HIM SOMEHOW.**

**PCG: I HEARD A STRAY HONK AND I RAN AND WE GOT SEPARATED AND**

**PCG: I'M STARTING TO THINK**

**PCG: THAT THIS MUST BE A DOOMED TIMELINE**

**PCG: THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GET IN TOUCH WITH ANYONE**

**PCG: THEY MUST BE DROPPING LIKE BEHEMOTH LEAVINGS OUT THERE.**

**PCG: AND THAT MUST BE WHY**

**PCG: FUTURE KANAYA WAS TALKING IN THIS MEMO**

**PCG: BUT NOW SHE'S DEAD...**

**PCG: WHICH MAKES THAT IMPOSSIBLE.**

**PCG: IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THIS WAY.**

**PCG: GAMZEE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO GO CRAZY.**

**PCG: I THINK IF HE DOES**

**PCG: IT MEANS WE FUCKED SOMETHING UP.**

**PCG: IT MEANS *I* FUCKED SOMETHING UP.**

**PCG: HE'S MY RESPONSIBILITY, I HAVE TO MAKE SURE HE'S SAFE.**

**PCG: AND I DIDN'T DO THAT.**

**PCG: ONE TIME, ONE OF THE DOOMED ARADIAS TOLD ME SHE CAME FROM A TIME WHERE HE FLIPPED OUT AND KILLED EVERYBODY, BECAUSE OF MY FAILURE.**

**PCG: I DIDN'T TAKE HER SERIOUSLY, BUT I SHOULD HAVE.**

**PCG: SHE WAS CONSTANTLY FIXING MY FUCKUPS.**

**PCG: ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE ALWAYS COMING BACK TO TELL ME HOW SOME HASTY SHIT I DID WITH FROG BREEDING OR WHATEVER WOULD MAKE IT BE IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN.**

**PCG: MY OWN PERSONAL MISTAKES PROBABLY ACCOUNTED FOR MORE DOOMED ARADIABOTS THAN ANYTHING ELSE.**

**PCG: WHICH WAS SORT OF A SILVER LINING I GUESS? I DON'T THINK WE WOULD HAVE BEATEN THE KING WITHOUT HER ARMY.**

**PCG: NOT THAT IT MATTERS ANYMORE.**

**PCG: I'VE OBVIOUSLY BECOME JUST ANOTHER GUY IN A DOOMED TIMELINE WATCHING EVERYONE AROUND HIM DIE.**

**PCG: I WAS JUST SITTING HERE WONDERING WHAT I COULD HAVE DONE WRONG THIS TIME**

**PCG: TO MAKE THE TIMELINE TAKE A WRONG TURN**

**PCG: AND PINPOINTING IT SEEMED OVERWHELMING SINCE I'VE MADE MORE TERRIBLE DECISIONS THAN I CAN EVEN COUNT.**

**PCG: BUT**

**PCG: I THINK LOOKING BACK**

**PCG: I KNOW WHAT IT IS NOW.**

**PCG: IT WAS BEFORE WE GOT TRAPPED ON THIS METEOR**

**PCG: BEFORE JACK SHOWED UP**

**PCG: BEFORE WE BEAT THE KING**

**PCG: AND I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, JADE.**

**PCG: THAT NO MATTER WHAT I SAID, I THINK THE FINAL FROG MUST BE IMPORTANT.**

**PCG: AND KANAYA, IF YOU'RE READING THIS SOMEWHERE IN THE PAST MAYBE...**

**PCG: I'M SORRY, YOU WERE RIGHT.**

**PCG: I WAS ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY TO WIN, I DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS NECESSARY.**

**PCG: BILIOUS SLICK NEEDED THE GENES OF THAT FROG, AND BECAUSE I HALF ASSED THIS SO BAD EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE.**

**PCG: SEE, I WAS THINKING**

**PCG: ABOUT JACK, AND HOW HE CAN'T STAND FROGS.**

**PCG: AND I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON.**

**PCG: I THINK I KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN AT THE END OF OUR TIMELINES.**

**PCG: I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE CRITICAL MOMENT IS.**

**PCG: AND IT'S COMPLETELY MY FAULT.**

**PCG: ECTOBIOLOGY IS A TOUCHY THING.**

**PCG: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE BUILDING THE GENETIC CODE FOR AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE.**

PM looked up at the dog head capsule that was now rigged with explosives. AR was climbing back down the rope so that he could get back to the controls and detonate all of the explosives rigged to the capsules. Wait… what was that? Just above the dog head capsule was something red. Red and snaky, like a fiery tentacle, waiting to consume. More dangerous than the random arm that was coming out of a blue portal that no one noticed.

**PCG: OUR GENESIS FROG NEEDED THE GENES FROM THAT FINAL FROG.**

**PCG: BUT BECAUSE I WAS IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY TO DO THE JOB RIGHT**

**PCG: HE'S MISSING A CRITICAL SEQUENCE IN HIS DNA.**

**PCG: SO WHEN WE MADE HIM, AND WATCHED HIM GROW IN THE MIDDLE OF SKAIA**

**PCG: AND AFTER ALL THE FIREWORKS AND FANFARE FROM THE VAST CROAK HAD SUBSIDED**

**PCG: I KIND OF FELT LIKE HE DIDN'T LOOK SO GOOD.**

**PCG: LIKE HE WAS SICK.**

**PCG: I THINK I GAVE HIM CANCER.**

**PCG: I GAVE YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE CANCER, JADE.**

**PCG: SORRY.**

Om nom nom… Oh, sorry, reader. I didn't see you there. No, I was not eating the "==" commands! There are still a few left! Sadly, these are not bottomless, though.


	137. Stuff Happens

Chapter 11: Stuff Happens

Yeah, I'm running out of creative titles for these chapters. (This is Morn, not Hussie. Hussie is, unfortunately, tied up with not being able to control the narrative for now (if he regained control, you would know, because he wouldn't be able to tolerate the chaos that is this book (he'd say something about how there shouldn't be a Book 8.5 or whatever)), so I have been narrating… kind of. What parts were me and what parts were you? And who am I really talking to here? The reader, Hussie, or you, and then, what does that mean? Are you a different person from the reader? (Isn't this kind of a long and complicated set of parentheses?) Yes it is, Morn. Yes it is.)

Anyway, back to Karkat's apologetic speech.

**PCG: ITS DEFECTIVE GENES PROBABLY MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOUR SESSION TO BE SUCCESSFUL**

**PCG: SORT OF LIKE**

**PCG: ITS REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM WAS DAMAGED.**

**PCG: WHAT SHOULD BE FERTILE GROUND FOR YOUR NEW UNIVERSE TO GROW**

**PCG: WAS REPLACED BY A MASSIVE BOMB RIGGED TO BLOW UP YOUR WHOLE SESSION.**

**PCG: PROBABLY JUST ONE OF MANY SYMPTOMS OF A SICK UNIVERSE.**

**PCG: IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING WRONG**

**PCG: YOU WERE FIGHTING AGAINST THE DISEASE THAT WAS ALWAYS INHERENT IN YOUR REALITY**

**PCG: THE ONE I GAVE IT.**

**PCG: BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S LIKE A NORMAL DISEASE.**

**PCG: NOT LIKE A CELLULAR MUTATION THAT'S OUT OF CONTROL**

**PCG: THE CANCER TOOK A SPECIFIC FORM, LIKE A COMPLICATED SERIES OF TERRIBLE EVENTS RATHER THAN FAULTY CELL DIVISION**

**PCG: IT WAS AN EVENTUALITY IN YOUR UNIVERSE THAT WAS INEVITABLE, THAT WE ALL UNWITTINGLY HELPED MAKE HAPPEN**

**PCG: ALL CONCENTRATED THROUGH THE ACTIONS OF ONE HOSTILE AGENT IN THE SYSTEM, WITH AN INSTINCT TO DESTROY EVERYTHING IT HATED**

**PCG: AND THEN GIVEN THE POWER TO DO SO.**

**PCG: AND UNLIKE A NORMAL DISEASE, IT WOULDN'T GRADUALLY KILL ITS HOST FROM WITHIN**

**PCG: THE CANCER LEFT THE BODY**

**PCG: CHASED OUT, AS IF BY AN IMMUNE SYSTEM.**

**PCG: BUT THE PROBLEM IS**

**PCG: IT WASN'T ANY LESS DEADLY ON THE OUTSIDE**

**PCG: AND NO LESS DETERMINED TO FINISH THE JOB.**

**PCG: SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE IT COULD BE**

**PCG: WHAT'S WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF THE COUNTDOWN.**

**PCG: JACK WAS EXPELLED FROM YOUR SESSION SOMEHOW**

**PCG: HE THEN METHODICALLY DESTROYED ALL OUR PLANETS, PROSPIT AND DERSE, AND TRIED TO WIPE US ALL OUT**

**PCG: SO THAT WE COULDN'T DO THE SAME THING TO HIM AGAIN**

**PCG: BUT HE WAS ALWAYS SAVING HIS TRUE TARGET FOR LAST**

**PCG: THE ONE HE HATED MOST.**

**PCG: JACK WAS THE LIVING EMBODIMENT OF THE DISEASE ALL ALONG.**

**PCG: NOIR IS THE CANCER.**

**PCG: IT'S HIM.**

**PCG: ANYWAY**

**PCG: THAT'S THE END OF HOW EVERYTHING'S MY FAULT COMPLETELY, AND I'M GARBAGE.**

**PCG: HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT JADE! NOT THAT YOU SEEM TO RECALL THIS MEMO EVEN EXISTS.**

**PCG: IF YOU SEE KANAYA IN DEATHBUBBLE HELL, PLEASE TELL HER I'M SORRY I LET HER DOWN.**

**PCG: AND IF YOU SEE SOLLUX WANDERING AROUND TOO, LET HIM KNOW HOW ASHAMED I AM I DITCHED HIM LIKE A COWARD BECAUSE I HEARD A HORN GO HONK.**

**PCG: AND TEREZI**

**PCG: IF YOU SEE HER**

**PCG: COULD YOU GIVE HER A MESSAGE FOR ME?**

**PCG: TELL HER THAT**

**PCG: ACTUALLY**

**PCG: NEVER MIND.**

**PCG: I'LL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO TELL THEM ALL IN PERSON SOON.**

**PCG: SEEING AS AN IDIOT IN MAKEUP IS ABOUT TO ROLL OVER MY NAKED SQUEAL PIPETTE WITH A ONE WHEEL DEVICE.**

**FGA: Sollux Is Okay**

**FGA: Hes With Me Right Now**

**PCG: HOLY SHIT**

**PCG: YOU'RE ALIVE**

**FGA: Hold On I Really Need To Change These Clothes**

Narrative shift. Hold on. And now here is Gamzee bothering Dave. Dream Bubble or time shenanigans? I'm too tired to even speculate at this point. When will this endless parade of clippings end!?

**terminallyCapricious [TC]** **began trolling** **turntechGodhead [TG]**

**TC: it's all your fault.**

**TG: ?**

**TC: IT'S ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN FAULT.**

**TC: honk.**

**TG: ok**

**TC: YOU ALL CRACKED OFF THE TOP OF THE BOTTLE TO THOSE FUCKIN CLOWN IMPOSTORS.**

**TC: that all were spraying out the flagrant motherfuckin heresies at me.**

**TC: THE FLAGRANT MOTHER FUCKING HERESIES MOTHER FUCKER.**

**TC: is what came out from their mouths, it made me get my sadness on to see it.**

**TC: AND MY RAGE ON FUCKING HARDER.**

**TG: im sorry**

**TC: all my life i believed at a fuckin paradise to come what held the most baller, darkest of carnivals to join.**

**TC: AND A PROPHECY**

**TC: to tell all about a band of rowdy and capricious minstrels steeped in the good harshwhimsy.**

**TC: THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS WERE FORETOLD TO BE CRASHING THAT FUCKING PIE STAND AND BRING THE HOLY RUCKUS.**

**TC: like a giddy fuckin ninja one wheeling head long at the hugest fuckin horn heap shangri la's got to see.**

**TC: I'M TALKING ABOUT THE VAST HONK, YOU BLASPHEMOUS MOTHERFUCKER.**

**TC: what i believed in it to be was so beautiful, us and them all mellowing in tents, bumpin sounds, tossing back the faygo and soaking the miracles up our faith sponges, while the special stardust rained down at our elixir sticky faces, like a bunch a fuckin fairy powder from religion space.**

**TC: IT WAS GOING TO BE US AND MOTHER FUCKING THEM.**

**TC: them and mother fuckin us. :o(**

**TG: this is like**

**TG: some trolling schtick right**

**TG: this icp shit**

**TC: BUT NOW.**

**TC: because of you.**

**TC: BECAUSE OF ALL YOU AND YOUR FUCKING OUTRAGEOUSNESS.**

**TC: you stole up all my miracles away by revealing at me how the wicked shit was really kicked.**

**TC: LIKE SOME FILTHY FUCKING SCIENSTIFF WHO AT OLD TIMES WOULD BE RULED UNFUNNY WITHOUT EVEN GETTING HIS FUCKING TRIAL ON.**

**TC: and now i don't know what to think about the spiritual fantasies i had.**

**TC: HONK )o:**

**TG: hahaha**

**TG: best troll ever**

**TG: i dont even care if you're really into this stuff or not its awesome**

**TC: uhhhhh, what stuff?**

**TG: like**

**TG: horrorcore**

**TG: lame clown rap and stuff**

**TC: :o?**

**TG: dude are you an actual juggalo or not**

**TC: bro, that word you used isn't nothing real i've heard of.**

**TC: IT STRIKES AT ME AS ANOTHER HERETICAL FUCKING BASTARDIZATION OF SOME SACRED SHIT I TAKE SERIOUSLY IN MY PUMP BISCUIT.**

**TC: i mean i guess, took seriously.**

**TG: hahahahaha**

**TG: do you really not know what im talking about**

**TC: I HAVE THE IDEA THAT YOU PUT IN MY PAN TO SIT THERE.**

**TC: that the paradise planet**

**TC: IS A FUCKING JOKE.**

**TC: and the miracles**

**TC: ARE FAKE.**

**TC: pure fiction.**

**TC: FALSE FAKEY FRAUDY CON JOBS FROM A BUNCH OF UNFUNNY NINJA HARLEQUIN BULLSHIT ARTISTS.**

**TG: ahaha**

**TG: i cant even tell if youre trying to troll me with this or if you actually are having some weird emotional problem**

**TC: can't it be motherfuckin**

**TC: BOTH THINGS.**

**TG: ok im telling you**

**TG: you need to watch this video**

**TG: the song isnt even supposed to be released for another year or something**

**TG: but i got it from an inside source**

**TG: this is as hot as it gets**

**TG: hang on lemme dig it up**

**TC: no.**

**TC: MOTHER FUCK NO, BRO.**

**TC: i'm not looking on any more of your blasphmemes.**

**TC: I REALLY JUST CAME BACK ON YOU TO MOTHER FUCKING SAY.**

**TC: that while that sickening noise you did at me is your fault**

**TC: THERE'S SOMETHING I DID AT YOU WHAT'S MINE.**

**TC: i did something that's motherfucking atrocious to your posse.**

**TC: MADE YOUR WHOLE CREW OF JOKERS GET TO BEING KINDA MENTALLY MOTHER FUCKIN**

**TC: unstable.**

**TC: IN FUCKING FACT**

**TC: that atrocious business i got to doing**

**TC: I DID THAT SHIT TO YOUR WHOLE UNIVERSE AS A MATTER OF MOTHER FUCKING FACT.**

**TC: you see**

**TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKIN SEE**

**TC: i finally got all caught up in what's true behind the sweet murdermirth of the bitchin bloodcircus.**

**TC: I REACHED DEEP DOWN AND GOT AT WHERE ALL THE REAL HARSHWHIMSIES WERE HIDING INSIDE ME.**

**TC: in the angriest ways i found up my dark ancestral chucklevoodoos within.**

**TC: AND THEN**

**TC: i focused on them through the rage you made me have**

**TC: AND I WENT AND MADE YOUR UNIVERSE…**

An imp doll appeared on Dream John's bed on Prospit.

**TC: terminal. Bo)**

**TG: none of that really meant anything but ok**

**TG: also you have me confused for somebody else we never talked**

**TG: i guarantee i would have remembered you**

**TC: ALL THAT MOTHER FUCKIN MATTERS IS I REMEMBER YOU AND WHAT YOU DID.**

**TC: i'm just all letting you in on the ways i set the high justice in motion.**

**TC: MADE US MOTHERFUCKING SQUARE, YOU AND ME.**

**TC: me and you.**

**TG: thats cool juggalo guy who i still cant quite tell is ironic about this or not**

**TG: but like i said either way its all good**

**TC: HAHAHAHAHA, YOU DON'T MOTHER FUCKING BELIEVE.**

**TC: you need to get more spirituality into your superstition ghost.**

**TC: LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING FAITHCHUMP THAT WHAT I WAS.**

**TC: as if i'd forget to do my chucklevoodoos to you too.**

**TC: TO FUCK UP YOUR DREAMS.**

**TC: make your worst fears come alive and get up on their haunts in your naphappy pan.**

**TG: what**

**TG: what fears**

**TC: YOU MOTHER FUCKING KNOW, BROTHER.**

**TC: its the fuckin puppet.**

**TC: THE ONE THAT'S ALL GOT TO BE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND I GOT NOW.**

**TC: now that my other buddy managed to be having his head chopped off. :oC**

**TG: oh god**

**TG: did my bro put you up to this**

**TG: i should have guessed he might have a hand in some of these shitty trolling escapades**

**TC: YOUR BRO'S DEAD BRO.**

**TC: couldn't keep my new friend captive no more.**

**TC: RELEASED YOUR NIGHTMARES RIGHT INTO MY WARM FUCKING EMBRACE.**

**TC: and now i listen at what they whisper through my hear ducts.**

**TG: hahaha jesus**

**TG: you are fucking insane**

**TC: I'M ALL HEARING THESE AMAZING MOTHERFUCKIN THINGS.**

**TC: i think he'll help me refigure out what's the real reality about the miracles.**

**TC: HE'LL HELP ME TO MOTHER FUCKIN DISCOVER THE TRUTH OF WHO THE MESSIAHS ARE.**

**TC: the real messiahs, not the false mess a lies, hahahahaha.**

**TC: HONK.**

**TG: so**

**TG: my bros idiotic ventriloquist dummy is responsible for this schizophrenic bullshit**

**TG: is that what youre saying**

**TC: motherfuuuuuck yes, bro.**

**TG: what else does he say**

**TC: HE SAYS**

**TC: all in this funny little voice**

**TC: THAT IS SO**

**TC: very**

**TC: VERY**

**TC: very**

**TC: VERY**

**TC: quiet**

**TC: THAT**

**TC: it's time**

**TC: TO GO**

**TC: mother**

**TC: FUCKING**

**TC: kill**

**TC: THEM**

**TC: all.**

**TG: welp**

**TG: that sounds about right**

**TG: better do what he says dude**

**TC: YEAH.**

**TC: hahaha, here was i to come at you with all these unruly upbraids i got pent up.**

**TC: WHEN YOU KNOW MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT?**

**TC: i should be gettin grateful to you for sharing at me your way ridic heresies, brother.**

**TC: THE ROAD TO THE DARK CARNIVAL HAS NEVER BEFORE BEEN PAVED WITH LOUDER HONK HORNS TO TREAD UPON.**

**TC: and scare the living motherfuck out of the lowblood faithless with each step. ;o)**

**TG: hahahahahahahaha**

**TG: you are either literally an insane psychopathic murderer or some kind of trolling savant**

**TG: time to block you now but lets do this again ok**

**TC: YOU FUCKIN KNOW IT, BRO.**

**TC: i like you.**

**TC: WOULDN'T MIND TAKING THAT PALE MARSHMALLOW YOU GOT AS A NUGBONE OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.**

**TC: for this collection i got started on.**

**TC: ADD A LITTLE STRAWBERRY JAM TO THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH I'M MAKING BETWEEN MY MOTHER FUCKING LIPS.**

**TG: holy shit**

**TC: hey, before you go**

**TC: HOW ABOUT THAT WE**

**TC: slam a little. ;oD**

**TG: uh**

**They both then proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space.**

**Ah. You seem fairly surprised to see me again. You see, That last clipping overlaps with the next one, which happens to include me.**

BANG! BANG! BANG!

**Hey! What did I say?**

Hussie stood in a Space God Tier outfit by a couple of fenestrated walls, one of which he'd covered with the Cairo Overcoat.

It was revealed that someone was viewing Hussie via another fenestrated wall. A chair was repeatedly being banged against this wall.

**I have repeatedly made it clear that the fifth wall is to remain off.**

The person banging the chair against the fenestrated wall was, in fact, Doc Scratch's houseguest. She was a young troll, sharing her ram-like horns with Aradia. But it was fairly clear that this was not Aradia. She had two knitting needles in her hair like hairpins and was wearing a green flower blouse with the symbol of Aries on it.

Doc Scratch stood on the other side of the fenestrated wall. On her side was a bed and a table, around which a few chairs were placed. It was clear that the chair this troll girl was using was one of the aforementioned chairs.

**I refuse to acknowledge this foolish man's self indulgent rubbish. His frivolous charades have no place in this building, or anywhere in this reality. Am I making myself understood, young lady?**

**Or will I have to suspend your furniture privileges again?**

Doc Scratch flipped the wall off and turned towards the troll.

**Now…**

Before Doc Scratch could say another word, he had a faceful of chair. The troll had thrown it at him. She flipped him off with both hands.

**I see. It's another one of your moods. We will have to work on ironing out this behavior before you meet your true master.**

**He is a far less gracious host than I.**

**Wait, what are you doing?**


	138. Hussie, Doc Scratch, and Morn?

Chapter 12: Hussie vs. Doc Scratch

Oh, sorry. Were you going to eat that one? Oh well. Anyway… back to Doc Scratch.

The troll girl had removed the needles from her hair and was now holding them out in front of her angrily. She'd grown into hero mode (which some sort of strange thing that Hussie came up with. For some reason, he'd made sure that all of the characters were squat characters without any arms, and then that there was some kind of hero mode they could grow into where they weren't squat. Hero mode has shown up many times, but characters are more dangerous in it than in the standard… symbolic manner (yeah, I don't really get it either. Anyway, you get back to that. I'll get back to my "==" commands) Mmmfmmmfphphfmmmfph...).

**No, stop that. You render yourself in a more symbolic manner this instant, young lady!**

**Thank you.**

**STRIFE!**

**No, I will not toler… **

The troll girl leaped through the air and stabbed Doc Scratch in the cue ball head where his eyes would have been, had he had eyes.

**Oh, is this what we're doing now? Maybe I have not been strict enough with your breathing privileges either?**

The troll suddenly began to choke, seeing as how they were suddenly on a vessel in outer space.

**This vessel will reach your planet eventually. We can either go home the fast way, or the slow way. **

**Your express ticket can only be validated with a display of good manners, miss.**

They arrived back in Scratch's apartment and the troll lunged at him again, but did a youth roll suddenly in the opposite direction. She touched her needles to an outlet by the foot of her bed in an actual suicide threat.

Doc Scratch whacked her backwards with his broom.

**And there go the electricity privileges.**

**I think now would be a good time for another round of reeducation regarding her purpose. A little refresher on the prestigious employment opportunity for which she is being groomed.**

Doc Scratch looked directly at Morn.

**And since you are still my guest, it would please me to tell you this inspiring tale as well.**

**It is a tale to remind her of the sacrifice she must make. One serving to remind all of her people of the sacrifice once made by long forgotten heroes in a discarded reality. It is of this sacrifice the Sufferer died to speak the truth, and it is his tale I will tell you now.**

Elsewhere, somewhere in one of Doc Scratch's dark spots, Ms. Paint walked into the room where Hussie had just been. Where had he gone? She had no idea!

**Once, in this very universe, you could say, Alternia was home to a peaceful race. Trollkind had never known the corrupting influence in their evolution which led them to perpetual war and violence. **

**That is to say, they had never known me. **

**As was true of the bellicose world we know, there came to be twelve heroes on this peaceful planet. These heroes too had twelve ancestors whose fortunes were entwined with theirs. These twenty-four figures of legend were not of this world but sent from the sky, delivered from a reality not yet conceived. **

**On the eve of their race's extinction, the twelve heroes would begin playing a game. They would make an admirable effort, but they would fail. Their civilization had not prepared them for the rigors of this game, and the ultimate reward would fall shy of their grasp. But their failure was more comprehensive, more systemic, than a result of simple inadequacy so common to young players of this game. Though they could not recognize it for the bad omen it was, this session was not the one in which they had been spawned. Such is the symptom of a subtle glitch affecting certain sessions, an error designed to trigger an unfathomable cascade of misfortune throughout paradox space. This glitch is the calling card of the one I serve. It is the discreet, gentlemanly manner in which he reserves his place in a universe for later visitation.**

**The heroes, understanding their defeat was absolute, sought advice from the mother of all monsters. She offered them a choice. The heroes could either accept their defeat along with the extinction of their race, and put no others at risk. Or, she could show them a path to a second chance, to a reality in which the chosen heroes of their race would be strong enough to succeed with ease, and claim the reward. This reset would come at the cost of wiping the failed heroes from existence. They would live new lives from scratch, playing different roles in the reset reality, with no memory of the game they played or the choice they made. **

**The heroes chose to accept this bargain, and scratched their session. In doing so they jumpstarted the reality in which the twenty-four figures of legend would together be created - and I as well - and then sent back in time to take our places in history. Though I was delivered well before history even began, before the dawning of life on their planet. This time around, I would oversee its development, and thus fulfill the mother's promise of an aggressive, ruthlessly prepared group of heroes. One that would not rest until victory was secured. **

**The young twenty-four would again be scattered in two groups, twelve modern contemporaries, and twelve ancients. But in addition to losing their memories of everything that had happened before the scratch, there was another catch for the failed heroes. In the new reality, they would not serve as the heroes. They would mature to become the ancestors of the twelve they formerly regarded as theirs, and this twelve would be chosen for glory. These children would be the heroes to achieve victory, and have the reward easily within reach. **

**Of course this promise was fulfilled to the letter, as you have seen. The entire bargain was executed without a single hitch, as those authorized by my master always are. There was however one minor anomaly. One of the failed heroes, in his new life as an ancient on this now brutal planet, began to remember. This is his story. **

**This is the story of the Signless.**

**Few ever knew the Sufferer's given name, presuming quite reasonably he had none, and he came to be called Signless. Unlike his peers distributed elsewhere in history, he was not given a sign at a young age. Alas, there were no signs reserved for one of his mutant blood. His genetic deviation from the social order made him a pariah, forcing him to wander the world alone for many sweeps, concealing the color of his blood to avoid certain execution. **

**But it may also have been due to his mutation that he began to have the visions. Spontaneous, lucid imagery of his world in peace, before its fall. He would never see the complete picture, or fully understand his previous incarnation's role in prompting this fall, or know of my hand in it. But the visions showed him all he needed to see. They held the promise of his people's true potential, beneath the ages of conditioned cruelty. They held the spark of revolution. **

**In time, the visions gave purpose to his travels. He would preach heretical ideas no one else had dared to entertain, let alone risk discussing. He espoused the virtues of forgiveness, compassion, and equality among all bloodlines. He distributed his message intelligently, careful to preach only to those receptive, never attracting unwelcome attention. But his growing movement could go unnoticed by the authorities for only so long. **

**The highbloods were livid over the unprecedented heresy, and soon, a massive sectarian war followed, spreading across the planet and throughout the galaxy. The conflict was lopsided of course, with the Highbloods given full support from the Condesce and her sea dwellers. Inevitably, the Signless would be captured, and when he was, it was not a matter of whether he would be put to the irons, but how hot they would be if he failed to recant.**

**During his penance, it was said the Sufferer's compassion for his people underwent a divine transformation, into limitless, burning rage. It burned hotter than the irons shackling him to the imperial flogging jut, and redder than the blood soaking his Righteous Leggings. When he was finally killed, his anger rung through the cosmos with his last breath. This Vast Expletive was his final sermon, and somewhere encoded in its wavelengths was the truth in his teachings, waiting to reveal itself to any who would inherit his burden.**

**His teachings would also persist through surviving disciples, but in hushed tones. His following would dwindle to an obscure cult facing persecution for centuries. After his execution, the body was burned leaving only his irons. They cooled in the ash, as if his anger itself was subsiding, and his followers appropriated their shapes in defiance of the Highbloods. The symbols became the sign of the Signless, always shown as colorless as the cold iron, to conceal the stigma of his hue. This was as much a reminder to his followers to remain hidden as it was of the Sufferer's sacrifice, and his rage hidden like heat in the iron, one day to be reignited by another of his bloodline. **

**The Sufferer preached that after he passed, another Signless would come, heralding the end times for their planet. The Second Signless would continue his work, and lead his people to glory beyond this realm. The followers kept his teachings alive for ages, even as the uproar surrounding the movement subsided. By modern times, the Sufferer's scripture was little more than ancient superstition all but forgotten. Hardly the anathema of old. But the followers had already made their preparations in the shadows, and when the Second Signless finally came he would have a lusus to raise him and a sign to his name. Karkat Vantas.**

Andrew Hussie broke through the fifth wall with a swift and loud "Booyeah!" He looked around. Where was he? And what was with this bed with a broom on it. "...the fuck?" he asked, confused. "Oh hell no. He's talking about ancestors, isn't he?" He picked up the broom. "He's keeping little girls locked up in weird rooms, and rambling about troll ancestors. I just know it.

**The Sufferer required a less conventional upbringing to reach maturity. As a young grub, he landed in the brooding caverns where he would be expected to face his trials. But due to his mutation, surely no lusus would select him. No creature sympathetic to his scent had been bred yet. His odds for survival would have been remote, if not for a chance encounter. **

**The Dolorosa belonged to the rare class assigned strictly to serving the mother grub in the caverns, forbidden from visiting the surface. While on an errand, she found the young Sufferer in his crater and immediately recognized the child as special, as well as in great danger. For an adult troll to raise a child was unthinkable, but she saw no other hope for him. The Dolorosa abandoned her duties in the caverns, and fled to the surface to raise him. **

**In time, she would become the first follower of his teachings, and the first of his inner circle. But not his closest.**

**Surrounding him on his rise to infamy and throughout the rebellion were the most trusted elites among his devoted. The Ψiioniic was a mage of unequaled telekinetic ability, who upon hearing the words of the Sufferer was inspired to free himself from the sort of slavery typical of his mentally gifted class. **

**But his most devoted of all was his Disciple. She listened to every vision he retold, every lesson he preached, and faithfully recorded his scripture. Her ear was open to him always, and in time, his heart opened to her. To spread his message throughout the world they took to the seas in the vessel of legend known as the First Ship. It was said their love went beyond the four quadrants, transcending the grid entirely. Whatever that nonsense actually means.**

**The Disciple was to be killed along with him. But at the last moment, the E%ecutor inexplicably took pity on her, and allowed her to escape. She absconded with the Leggings, which remained the only physical evidence of his holy suffering. She hid in caves for many sweeps, transcribing all of his scripture from memory on the walls in the blood of slain creatures, and lived the rest of her days in monastic savagery. Her dedication would be critical to the persistence of his message. **

**But the Dolorosa was less fortunate, and was sold into slavery. She spent the rest of her life as property of vicious sea dwellers. As for the Ψiioniic, he was enlisted in a far worse, if more prestigious service.**

**He was forced to serve as the Helmsman for Her Condescension's imperial battleship. Psychics of his kind were exploited for interstellar travel, and his abilities made her ship the fastest in the fleet by far. She grew so enamored of her Helmsman and his power, she would use her touch to extend his lifespan to match her own.**

"Well not in my fucking story!" Hussie yelled, authorsploding through the door to the troll girl's room. He looked around. "Oh, damn. This place is bigger than I thought. Any idea which way he went?" He looked directly at you. "Come on, reader! Help me out!" He walked over to a random door. "I bet he's behind this door. YOU HEAR ME SCRATCH? THE JIG IS UP!"

Hussie smashed the door open. "Ah-ha! Caught red handed, you bastard. You stop clogging up my story with your troll fanfiction this instaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" It wasn't Doc Scratch at all. It was the wolf head from the attic! "That was not the right door," Hussie said.

**Together they explored the stars for thousands of years. Due to the speed of her ship, she would personally expand the boundaries of her empire, typically being the first to greet new races before conquering them.**

**After making first contact, occasions which she generally kept cordial, she would move on to new territory while a division of her fleet set a course for the unfortunate civilization, and proceeded to tear it apart. It could be any of the lethal brigades under her command to receive the orders, be it the Threshecutioners, Cavalreapers, Laughsassins, or Ruffiannihilators. Each was notoriously cruel in its own way, and each carried out orders with absolute loyalty. Because while the Condesce could extend a single life on her whim, she could just as casually cut short that of millions.**

**If angered, she could simply express her grievance through communion with her ancient lusus of the deep, and turn its psychic devastation on her multitudes. The class hierarchy played into her hands politically in this respect. Killing off a haphazard swathe of the population, or an entire class, was suitable as a measure of last resort, but mass extermination does not lend itself well to practical governance. Its looming threat however is quite effective, especially while her empire was partitioned neatly into blood castes. She could use her leverage to delegate oppression to the subjugglators, whose unique abilities and exceptional brutality made them natural enforcers. They too would delegate in their governance, exploiting the pride and loyalty of dangerous bluebloods beneath them, and so on down the hemospectrum, until the enslavement of the common castes was inescapable, in spite of their genetic gifts and strength in numbers. As a self-governing body, the land dwelling portion of her empire was formidable. But her force of sea dwellers was equally formidable, and the two were kept in check not only with the threat of psychic annihilation, but their mutual hatred and distrust. **

**The only threat to her power was unification through uprising, a possibility made remote once she fully decentralized the race from the homeworld. She scattered all but the children throughout the galaxy after the most recent rebellion led by the Summoner. Upon doing so, she became so comfortable with her grip on power, she risked venturing deeper into space than ever before to grow her empire. **

**But the more space she put between herself and Gl'bgolyb, the more she risked weakening her bond with the monster. The bond she and her successor shared with it exclusively could sway, and become strengthened with the younger. Perhaps she grew complacent with the threat successors posed, after such a long history of killing them with ease. Heiresses upon reaching maturity were expected to challenge the Condesce for the throne. It was not merely expected of them by their people, but demanded by their shared lusus. **

**I like to think of her as the pet I gave to their race, at the dawning of their species' evolution. Like a sentience-warming gift. Again, it's just the sort of thing a good host does.**

**If the lapse in her custodial bond was significant enough, it was not just political power she risked. At such a distance, she sacrificed concentration needed to curb its most dreadful psychic shriek of all, the galaxy-wide extinction event called the Vast Glub. **

**Of course this eventuality proved a fitting reward for such reckless expansion of her territory. She chose the worst time possible to explore further from the homeworld than she'd ever been. She was scouring the edge of the galaxy for systems to plunder when she received word of her planet's devastation by meteors. The young were being slaughtered. The mother grub was dead. The end times were upon her people. **

**She ordered all fleets to return to Alternia. But such was her empire's expansion and interplanetary occupation, few could make it in time to provide any meaningful defense. She instructed her Helmsman to pilot the ship faster than he ever had, and he did so through extreme physical duress. He was able to leap across thousands of light years in a matter of hours. The exertion likely would have killed him, if the Glub didn't get to him first. Her touch could extend life, but never restore it, to her lament. **

**In that instant, her empire was gone. Gl'bgolyb's swan song wiped out her entire race, save the Condesce and her lone heiress, leaving the empire nothing more than a galactic necropolis of floating tombs.**

Hussie burst through the door to Doc Scratch's study. "This looks like the right place," he said. "The hallway is all round and shit. Just like his big stupid head."

Oh god. Hussie is here. The author is here! I have to hide! He can't see me! Time will get fucked up and stuff. No, not just time. All of reality. And more.

Hussie looked at the ground and noticed the scrapbook clippings. "MY BEAUTIFUL PANELS!" he exclaimed. "WHAT HAS HE DONE!? That son of a bitch. It's going to take so many sweeps to clean this up. So very, very many sweeps."

**She was forced to continue the journey home on auxiliary power. Her ship now travels near the speed of light, a pale shadow of its former velocity. It would take her another 612 solar sweeps after the Glub to reach her destination. **

**She should arrive any minute now. When she does, she will find nothing but ruins and dust. If she cared to look closer, she would find a city of slain exiles, a man on the moon, and a pair of black lovers locked in a deadly dance. But whether she looks or not, one thing will find her with certainty. **

**A new employment opportunity.**

**Are you paying attention, protege? This is where your role in the story begins. **

**Now stop your pouting and listen, unless you want another helping to the backside of my... **

**Oh nuts. I seem to have forgotten my discipline broom.**

Hussie had set the broom down by the model of Skaia in his frustration with the doctor. He now walked over to the bowl of "==" commands that I'd been eating. "God dammit, he's got a bowl full of these things? He's pulling his snooty horseshit candy bowl stunts to mock my little arrows now. Excellent host my ass. RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!" He flipped the table over. Both the scrapbook and the "==" commands flew through the air.

He picked one up off the floor and chewed it just a bit. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed and a ate a few more. "How can these possibly be so delicious?"


	139. Return of the Huss

Chapter 13: Hussie's Return

**The last of the twelve ancestors arrived a bit late. In fact, she would cross through her portal six centuries after the descendants had come and gone. There weren't many left to look after her, so she ended up in foster care. **

**I remember it like it was yesterday. And for one who has as much time on his hands as I, it essentially was.**

**I would raise the girl to be groomed for her calling. My lessons would emphasize obedience, mastery of the clockwork majyyks, and being locked in a room. **

**As you must have gathered by now, my employer will enter this universe quite soon. I will then relinquish my custody to him, and she will serve as his Handmaid for an eternity to be specified. As you must have also gathered, she has already done so. Though her most common of blood should have let her expire in just a dozen or two sweeps, his curse kept her very much alive. **

**And she did not intend to stay that way.**

**His curse is one of conditional mortality, with the desired outcome contingent on her service. When I release her, she will take her place at his side, and travel through time to carry out his orders. **

**While I am his weapon of subtlety and precision, the Handmaid is strictly an apparatus of terror and suffering. We have both paved the road to his arrival, I in my way and she in hers. She would be present during every watershed moment in her civilization's development. Her recurrence in history would earn her the reputation of a demoness, more feared than even her master, a man though dreadful rarely makes himself seen. She stirred up class warfare and intensified bigotry in whatever era she haunted. She made sure the descendents would enter a world which prepared them well for the game, and took measures to see that they would play as they did. **

**But once they entered and their world was in ashes, her work was nearly complete. Now, six centuries later, she would be given one last order to follow before her curse was lifted. **

**A simple recruitment job.**

**The Handmaid will enlist the Condesce, extending the same bargain once offered to her. It will be the sort involving neither negotiation nor possibility of refusal, expressed in terms plainly understood by the psychotic genocidal. The Condesce will serve as her new master's witch, carrying out his work in the places he cannot reach.**

On the projection screen that Doc Scratch was using, a mysterious arm appeared out of nowhere. But it was in the video. The troll girl did a double take. The arm must have been there at the time… but she'd seen them before. Some strange universal constant, she supposed.

"Woah, better go easy on these," Hussie berated himself. "Might need some later." He stuffed some of the "==" commands in his pockets. He then grabbed the broom and snuck behind Doc Scratch's grandfather clock. The troll girl's eyes widened as she saw him, but he put his finger to his lips and she nodded.

**The two last trolls alive, blood of rust and royalty, will make each other pay for the crimes against their race. Their payment will be mutually dealt in the currency of punishment and reward at once. The Condesce will be rewarded with the power and immortality her new service entails, and punished by the grueling slavery for which it is synonymous. And you, young lady, are to be punished by death at the hands of your replacement. And so too will this be your reward.**

"There you are," Hussie murmured to himself. "Go ahead, keep talking, cueball. I've got you in the crosshairs of my broombristles. I have GOT you, you pompous motherfucker. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. My heartbeat falls in rhythm with the clock as I draw close to my prey. I leave nothing to chance, for you see it is the most dangerous prey of all, a four foot tall asshole in suspenders who won't shut up. Wait for it, Hussie. Wait for it."

**And so, my dear, that is the inspiring tale of your people, and why you should feel rather privileged to be in the position for which I have groomed you meticulously. Are you not grateful? Yes, surely you are, and it warms the soft fluffy material in my chest to know this. What is it? What are you looking at over there? **

**Ah, of course. The clock. I can see you have a good eye for a fine timepiece. Your exemplary taste is certainly owed to a quality upbringing. Perhaps you wish to know the history of the clock, and how I came to possess it? Yes, I can see the sparkle of curiosity in your eye. It's a marvelous tale, one almost as long as it is verbosely told. Where do I even begin…**

Suddenly, Hussie jumped up with his broom. **STORY TIME'S OVER WIND BAG WHOOPS OH SHIT GET THIS FUCKIN' CLOCK OUTTA MY WAY. I AM A ONE MAN STAMPEDE AND I'VE GOT A BROOM AND THAT PEAL OF SPLINTERING WOOD YOU HEAR IS THE LAST GASP OF A PRICELESS ANTIQUE DISINTEGRATING BENEATH THE OUTRAGEOUS FURY OF MY AUTHORIAL HOOVES.**

**If I have to put up with one more smug meandering interlude in my own story I am going to crack your head open and serve you a heaping bowl full of your downy soft puppet ass. How do you like that for hospitality, Doc? **

_**I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT AS HOSTS GO, I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS.**_

Hussie hit Doc Scratch over and over again on the head with his broom. And as the puppet struggled, Hussie grabbed him by the torso and flailed him around.

**Everyone is totally fed up with your condescending, self-indulgent narrative style. They all want to go back to my slightly less condescending, slightly more self-indulgent style.**

**See? Even that little girl has had enough of your shit. Run, Aradia's ancestor! Run! You have locked up your last asian schoolgirl, you sick fuck. **

**Oh don't you flop around at me like that. Are you listening little man?!**

At the same time, Her Most Imperious Condescension's space vessel reached Doc Scratch's apartment and the Handmaid leaped out the window. _Suckers_, she thought.

**GIRL. YOU THERE. GIRL.**

The Handmaid ran like hell, leaping over rooftops in an attempt to escape.

**GIRL, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.**

**DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN ESCAPE ME BEFORE I ARRIVE?**

**HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO OUTRUN ME**

WHEN I AM ALREADY HERE?

Hussie dropped Doc Scratch on the floor. "Booyeah!" he yelled. "Hmm?" He looked down at the lifeless puppet on the ground. It's leg had been torn off. But it shouldn't have been just _dead_. It just kind of lay… limp on the ground. "I guess…" Hussie began. "I guess he is just a limp lifeless puppet when I am around. Like a reverse Calvin and Hobbes kind of thing. That is… that is a little disturbing."

He shrugged. "Oh well, might as well try to get that disc back. That's enough of this Book 8.5 non-indentation nonsense. Who decided that, anyway?" He touched Doc Scratch's coat. "I wonder if I can just… just sort of reach up into… and…" He reached into the coat and procured the disc. It was completely repaired.

"What the hell?" Hussie said angrily. "Looks like he's had the disc repaired for a while already, but didn't tell us. Motherfucker just loves the sound of his own voice."

Hussie snopped in a SBAHJish way and ollied out of there.

Fuck! No, you dumb homo tool, your SNAPING WRONG!

"Fine," Hussie said. And then he unsnopped. And then he inserted disc two.

Loading…

Loading…

Done. Attempt rare and dangerous 5x showdown combo?

"Sure," I said. "And no, this is Hussie again. Not whatever motherfucker picked up the narrative in that stupid intermission thing."

Hussie narrative mode restored.


	140. Book 8 and a Half

Chapter 14: And it Was Good

Gamzee, holding the Warhammer of Zillyhoo, walked up to Sollux, Kanaya, Terezi, Karkat, and Vriska's dead body. His face was badly damaged and his entire body was covered in the bruises that Kanaya had given him when she knocked him off the roof before. Karkat clutched his sickle just a bit tighter.

Kanaya converted her tube of lipstick into her chainsaw and wondered if she could auspisticize between Gamzee and Karkat. Karkat papped her on the face comfortingly.

Terezi wondered if her hate for Gamzee was starting to run a little too black. Karkat walked over, eyes closed, and made broad shooshing motions, knocking the cane out of her hands.

Sollux, also, wondered if his hate for Gamzee was running black, but then, it was running a deep red as well.

And then, without warning, Karkat and Gamzee leaped at each other.

"HOOOOONK!" Gamzee screamed.

"Shooooosh," Karkat said soothingly. He began to gently pap Gamzee's face.

"hooooooooooooook," Gamzee said, a little quieter.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!" Gamzee yelled again, but this time it was even quieter.

"Shoooshoooooshooooooooshoshoooshooshoooshoosh," Karkat replied.

This continued for a good while. Had I decided to write down the entire exchange, it would have taken several pages. Just know that there was a lot of honking, a lot of shooshing, and a lot of papping. Oh, and there was another one of those mysterious arms sticking out of a blue portal in the middle of nowhere, but no one noticed it. Eventually, Karkat and Gamzee ended up hugging.

Hussie stuck a snapshot of this in Doc Scratch's scrapbook and wrote the caption "palemates 4LYFE!"

"And the Knight of Blood so embraced the Bard of Rage, and in each other's arms they were aquiver. And with righteous pap and blessed shoosh he did quell his brother's fury. For the Knight looked upon his Bard all acting up and completely losing his shit and he did resolve to calmeth his juggalo ass right the fuck down. And so calmed down his juggalo ass was and would continueth to be for all time. And the Knight in totally settling a murderous clown's ludicrous shit down proper said, Let there be Moirallegiance: and it was so. And between moirails would flow bounteous mirth, and they did hug bumpeth plentifully, and honks of reconciliation echoed far and true into the darkness upon the face of the deep," Hussie narrated. He closed the book. "And it was good."

Hussie set the book down and walked away. On the table was another document that read:

Recap 4.

The last recap I wrote was that really big one in the white ink, and Jade had just hupped her dead dream self into Becsprite for prototyping. Then Jadesprite flipped out and destroyed the column supporting the laboratory, and the big ball fell and bounced off the house and rolled into the snowy hill and started crying.

And

It stopped there, because written in big bold red letters across the front were the words "**NO FUCK THIS.**"

There was also a half-eaten "==" command on the recap.

It's too small to start a new chapter. In any case, let's look at the last clipping available. The one that had fallen out of the scrapbook. The end of the line.

Bec Noir, Jade, and the genesis tadpole all stood at the top of Jade's house on LOFAF.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **began trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]**

**CG: THE PASSWORD IS**

**CG: SEE YOU SOON**

**CG: OK UH**

**CG: I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR LACK OF RESPONSE AS TACIT VERIFICATION.**

**CG: ALSO**

**CG: THIS PRETTY MUCH HAS TO BE THE LAST CONVERSATION WE HAVE, RIGHT?**

**CG: YOUR TIMELINE CUTS OUT COMPLETELY IN A MINUTE OR TWO BECAUSE OF THE SCRATCH.**

**CG: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT UP THERE?**

**CG: ARE YOU HYPNOTIZED BY THE FLASHY SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK.**

**CG: THAT'S BEEN GOING ON EVER SINCE JOHN STARTED SCRATCHING THAT BIG GODDAMN RECORD, AREN'T YOU ACCLIMATED TO IT BY NOW?**

**CG: HELLO?**

**CG: HARLEY, JEGUS MOTHER OF SCREAMING FUCK.**

**CG: WHATEVER, I HAVE SHIT TO DO NOW.**

**CG: I GUESS I SHOULD BE KEEPING AN EYE IN THE SKY TOO NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.**

**CG: THE BRIGHT GREEN BEACON SHOULD BE APPEARING ANY MINUTE, ASSUMING YOU ACTUALLY MANAGE TO BLOW UP THE SUN.**

**CG: AND THEN**

**CG: WELL, THEN I GUESS MAYBE WE ALL GET TO HANG OUT?**

**CG: WHILE MAYBE ALSO NOT BEING IN UNYIELDING MORTAL PERIL?**

**CG: IT'S GETTING KIND OF OLD, FRANKLY.**

**CG: OK, WELL THIS IS A PRETTY CRAPPY FAREWELL, BUT I GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO DO SINCE THERE IS SOME SERIOUSLY SHOW-STOPPING SHIT TRANSPIRING UP THERE IN FUCKING OUTER SPACE.**

**CG: LATER JADE, I'M GOING TO GO MAKE SURE JOHN KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.**

**CG: AND IN CASE NONE OF THIS WORKS AND WE DON'T ACTUALLY GET TO MEET**

**CG: I GUESS I SHOULD SAY...**

**CG: SINCE APPARENTLY MY GUTLESS FUTURE SELF CAN'T EXPRESS HIMSELF AND NEVER GOT AROUND TO SAYING SO**

**CG: THUS LEAVING IT UP TO ME AS USUAL**

**CG: TO SAY**

**CG: THAT**

**GG: oh sorry!**

**GG: i was distracted**

**CG: OH**

**GG: no not by all the scratchy stuff in the sky**

**GG: theres something coming down...**

**CG: WHAT**

**GG: its hard to make out**

**GG: but**

**GG: i think**

**GG: it might be...**

**CG: WHAT.**

**GG: shaving cream?**

The Courtyard Droll flew down from above with a giant block of shaving cream hanging from a parachute. The shaving cream was rigged with explosives.

**CG: WHAT THE HELL IS SHAVING CREAM.**

**GG: its like**

Karkat's viewport went black. The Scratch was beginning.

**carcinoGeneticist ****[CG]** **ceased trolling gardenGnostic ****[GG]**

**GG: hey!**

**GG: ...**

**GG: karkat?**

CD leaped off of the block with his umbrella and the shaving cream landed in between Jack, Jade, and the genesis frog.

There was an explosion, knocking the genesis frog in its little magic eight ball off of the house. Jack and Jade were thrown backwards from the force of the blast, but they didn't fall off.

The genesis frog landed in the forge.

"WOOF!" Jack barked in horror. Because Jade lay on the ground, dress burning, and very much dead.

CD danced a little idiotic dance of joy nearby.

The droll stopped dancing as a shadow fell over him. It was Jack, and Jack was very certainly not at all happy.


	141. CASCADE

Were doing this man. Were making this hapen.

* * *

Chapter 15: Cascade

John raced across the surface of the Beat Mesa with Echidna's legendary quills. The Scratch having begun, many terrible monsters began to climb out of the LOHAC lava. There were a bunch of basilisks, a giclops, two acheron, and four terrible titachnids.

John clutched the Warhammer of Zillyhoo tighter as a lich queen arrived, rising from the churning fire. He did the windy thing, sending burning cyclones around at the less powerful (relatively) underlings and leaped at the lich queen. He banged it on the head and it exploded into a shitload of grist.

Jack held Mr. Egbert's wallet in one hand, having killed the Courtyard Droll in his anger. He now mourned the loss of his master.

In his anger, he teleported to the troll's Skaia and used the red miles. Red tendrils of energy poured out from his near omnipotent body and shot towards the diseased frog that was Bilious Slick. Slick shook from the pain of the energy.

The miles shot throughout all of him, destroying whole galaxies in its wake, until finally, they arrived at post-reckoning Earth.

AR stood in the center of the little clearing and picked up the detonation controller. Serenity blinked urgently at PM, but she didn't understand. The new queen signaled at the Regent to begin and he flipped the first switch, arming the explosives. He gave a thumbs up to the queen and she in return.

In the meantime, WQ stood inside the frog temple by the lotus bloom, which was set to bloom in another seven seconds. As she watched, it deposited a seed, which grew into the Writ Keeper, still in Prospitian dress. He stepped down from the platform and held his wife's hand.

Another lotus bloom appeared and the countdown began again from only ten seconds. But this time, instead of a beautiful pink color, it was an ugly wilted orange color.

Bec Noir reappeared on LOFAF, at the top of Jade's house, and picked up Jade's body with the care of a mourning parent. He flew across the planet to the only place he knew he could resurrect her. Her quest bed.

He set her down gently and shook his fists at the sky. Then he flew off to an asteroid that he knew was going to hit the Earth one day. He climbed inside the main tower of the frog temple.

The asteroid became a meteor and flew down to one of the Skaian gates. It reappeared far in the past and crashed down near a volcano. As time went by, the volcano became part of a pacific island, and then disappeared as it was relocated to the Land of Frost and Frogs. And then, finally, the countdown on the timer reached ten seconds.

WK and WQ watched anxiously as the new withered bloom began to open. It released a black seed, and out of this black seed came Bec Noir. He pulled the sword from his body and slashed the Writ Keeper's head off, causing him to drop the book he was holding, _Complacency of the Learned_. WK fell to the ground dead. WQ took a step back and horror, but Jack was slowly marching towards her as well. He raised his sword and snarled.

Back outside, AR was just about to detonate the first capsule when Noir appeared. PM's eyebrows rose in surprise and horror. Jack raised his sword and PM followed suit, shaking. Suddenly, the dog head capsule blew up. AR had flipped the first switch.

The Regent then flipped the switch for the egg capsule, which exploded as well. Jack turned towards AR and snarled. He approached the caution tape-covered carapacian with his sword held out in front of him. With a shaking finger, AR exploded PM's capsule and then reached for the switch to explode WV's capsule.

The Mayor stood inside his capsule, oblivious to exactly what was going on. He'd woken up and exited his fort upon hearing loud explosions outside, but he had no idea what they were nor that he was about to be blown up.

Before AR could flip the switch though, Jack slashed his head off in own swift motion. PM, angered and shocked, jumped at Jack, but he disappeared before she could hit him.

Jack reappeared within WV's capsule and saw that there was no energy left. But he could feel a huge amount of energy from somewhere within the capsule. He finally pinpointed it as a piece of uranium in some carapacian's stomach, so he teleported to the room with the Mayor in it and punched him through the stomach and out the other side, retrieving the uranium. WV lay on the ground, bleeding to death.

PM mourned the loss of her Regent.

Noir used the uranium to recharge the ship promptly, raising the bar so much that a rift was opened in the fabric of reality. Jack disappeared into it.

"We're here," Karkat breathed. "I can't believe it! We finally made it!"

"Yeah," Eridan said. "Now let's step through the fuckin door so wwe can see wwhat the rewward is!"

"Friends and trolls," Karkat said regally. "It has been my pleasure, as your leader, to guide you all to victory. I applaud Aradia, for creating a fucking robot army and beating the shit out of that slime-sucking bone bulge of a black king. I applaud Vriska for final blow. But most of all, I applaud myself for being such a fearless leader in the face of such adversity…"

"That's wonderful, Karkat," Vriska said, "but can we see the ultimate reward already?"

"Fine," Karkat said. "As your leader, I will do the honor of opening the door."

He stepped forward and reached for the SGRUB logo-shaped door, but something happened. A rift appeared in the fabric of reality and a dog version of Jack Noir appeared and slashed the door in half.

Immediately, Aradia threw everyone backwards into the rift that Noir had come from and then faced the beast herself and then lots of stuff happened that you've already seen. Destruction ensued.

Aradia and Sollux floated next to the green sun together, waiting for the friends that Aradia had been talking about. And something did seem to be coming. It was Derse's moon from the kids' session. It traveled through the Furthest Ring as if it were still just casually orbiting Derse.

On the moon, the Draconian Dignitary lay dead, his head sliced off. Dave, having returned, had done the honors. He, Rose, and Liv Tyler stood with The Tumor, waiting to reach the Green Sun. The two kids and the bunny, who was riding on Dave's back, flew through the air down towards their quest beds in the center of the moon. It was there that they deployed The Tumor before their quest beds and the two different-colored halves of the spiny outer shell fell apart, revealing the core of the machine, a countdown that had reached five minutes and twenty-three seconds.

There was a tube on either side of the countdown device, one blue and the other red. The red tube showed their universe, being destroyed by the red miles. The blue tube, on the other hand, showed the trolls' universe, post-reckoning. And on the surface of Alternia's green moon, two hatelovers stood atop Doc Scratch's roof.

"What are you waiting for?" Snowman said with a smirk. "Draw, Spades." Slick pointed Doc Scratch gun at the woman and fired a single spherical white bullet. It flew towards Snowman like the cueball waiting to sink the eight ball, and it did indeed find its mark. It ruptured the blue heart inside her that was the universe they were standing in.

The timer had reached 4 minutes and 13 seconds. Dave and Rose watched the destruction of both universes.

Back on LOFAF, the aurora borealis that had always covered the planet began to fade from the sheer force of Bilious Slick's labored throes.

But as the lights disappeared, the hummingbirds in the forest all stopped what they were doing and flew towards one point on the planet: Jade's quest bed.

This hummingbird convergence was also being displayed on one of the screens in WV's capsule, but the Mayor, what with lying on the floor, dying, did not pay any attention whatsoever. With the new energy from the uranium, PM had been able to open the door and she and Serenity had entered to find WV dead on the ground.

On the burning corpse of The Battlefield, Jadesprite and Davesprite looked up at the sky as a meteor came hurtling straight towards them.

But at the same time, the quest bed began to work its magic.

Jadesprite and Davesprite looked at each other sadly, and then something began to happen to one of them. Jadesprite disappeared in a spark of light and there, in her place, was a girl. A real live God Tier girl. Jade wore her Witch of Space hoodie with pride.

Davesprite watched, amazed, as Jade and her new God Tier powers shrunk the meteor whizzing towards them to the size of a tiny ball. She looked down at it with a chuckle.

Then, with her free hand, God Tier Jade lifted a Prospitian battleship into the air and leaped onto it. Davesprite stared up at her, still in shock from the sudden shift of luck.

On the hull of the battleship, Jade shrunk The Battlefield to the size of a small ball and caught it in her hand. She smiled down at the now tiny Davesprite.

Jade and the battleship teleported to the Land of Frost and Frogs.

On LOHAC, John stared up at the sky, amazed.

On the remnants of Earth, PM, holding WV's dead body in her arms, stared up at the sky, amazed.

There was a clatter of metal against rock and PM looked down to see the ring that the Mayor had kept all this time.

Jade teleported John onto the ship behind her. The boy's jaw dropped and stayed glued to the ground as Jade miniaturized LOWAS, LOHAC, LOLAR, and LOFAF in that order.

Dave and Rose looked at each other sadly as The Tumor's countdown began to reach thirty seconds.

PM put the ring on her finger.

Jade enlarged a fenestrated wall in front of her, which, being the fourth wall that it was, began to display images backwards through time until the most important event in Homestuck, the event in which Gamzee watched the top of Jade's observatory tumble to the ground of the Land of Frost and Frogs. Gamzee was having a conversation then too. A conversation with someone who typed in white.

Gamzee highlighted the last line of the conversation just as The Tumor's countdown reached zero.

**SUCKERS.**

And then The Tumor exploded.

The force of the explosion created a swirling mass of green energy that grew until it was a giant sun outside of space itself. Outside of the universe. The Tumor had created the Green Sun.

Jack, who was floating near Skaia, scratched his snout in confusion as a green ball appeared in the sky.

The trolls looked up as well from there vantaspoint (sorry, vantagepoint) on the roof of the laboratory. Terezi pointed out its direction to Sollux, who was blind. But so was Terezi. Karkat nudged her arm helpfully in the right direction.

Sollux, using an incredible amount of psychic energy, launched their asteroid towards the green beacon. Blood began to pour from his eyes and mouth out of the sheer energy it took to keep them flying towards the Green Sun.

Jack stared up at the meteor sanctuary as it hurtled towards the Green Sun angrily, but turned his head as a white light began to shine through the rift on the platform he'd arrived from. It was PM, holding the dead body of WV in her arms. But PM was not her usual carapacian self. She was fully prototyped, having worn the ring.

Rose and Dave ascended into the air as God Tiers. They glowed and crackled with the energy of the Green Sun. As they ascended, they saw Sollux and Aradia floating next to the Green Sun.

PM crackled with the same Green Sun energy that Becquerel had had, and that Jack had now. She set WV on the ground and stared up at Bec Noir angrily, hungry for revenge.

Jade widened the fourth wall so much that they could finally get through it, and she threw herself and the battleship into it.

The fourth wall finally went through the rest of Homestuck backwards until it reached the very beginning. John stood in his room. And then it was gone. Tattered curtains covered the screen, surrounded by flames.

End of Act 5.


	142. Intermission 2

Chapter 16: Intermission Two

Lightning crackled in the Green Sun, which was in the furthest ring. But the Green Sun wasn't the only thing in the furthest ring, oh no. There were many things besides, but there was one that stuck out among all others. A remote control. This remote control was linked to a program. A program that would be executed upon the death of the universe. Well, the universe had died. The remote control began to hum.

In the remnants of Doc Scratch's apartment, which was floating within the Green Sun, the puppet lay lifeless on the floor, one of his legs completely torn off. His clock ticked back and forth. But suddenly it stopped. Doc Scratch's figure began to glow.

Green muscular arms extended from the puppet's slender sleeves, ripping the fabric apart. A muscular leg extended from Doc Scratch's torso. Claws burst through hard white shoes.

A mass of blood poured from Doc Scratch's torn-off leg and a bloody stump followed. The blood splashed against the ground as the figure began to stand up. The suspender straps stretched to their limits and the clothing began to tear apart.

The only thing that remained unchanging was Doc Scratch's cueball head. A cuestick pegleg extended from the stump of the green man's leg stump. The clock hands spun around wildly.

The creature retrieved his Cairo Overcoat from the fourth wall just as Jade and the battleship broke through it. The pendulum of the clock began to break apart. t1CK t0ck 8r8k H34DS.

Finally, Doc Scratch's head broke apart in a blast of white light, leaving a ghastly green Lil' Cal-like face. A sarcophagus appeared and closed itself on the newly-arrived Lord English and he honked loudly.

After a few seconds, he let loose another, louder, and more drawn-out honk. The Vast Honk had occurred.

End of Intermission Two.

To be continued in Book 9: Through Broken Glass 


	143. Book 9 Chapter 1: A Brave New World

Ey I started to upload Act 6! No clue when I'm going to be done, especially because Hussie hasn't even finished it yet. But hopefully it will be up gradually. I think I'll put up Book 9 today, and then put up Book 10 on the quickly approaching auspicious date of 4/13/15. Honestly, I should have put everything except for Cascade up earlier and then posted Cascade on 4/13 but what's done is done, sooooo...

Anyway, I present to you Act 6. Enjoy! ^~^

-Morn

* * *

Book 9: Through Broken Glass

Chapter 1: A Brave New World

Act 6. Begin.

The green SBURB logo disappeared. In its place was a red backwards SBURB logo. This was no longer SBURB beta. This was SBURB alpha!

The green curtain opened to reveal the new universe, a swirling mass of galaxies and galaxy clusters.

In one particular galaxy, in one particular solar system, there was a planet with a moon. This planet was called Earth.

It was a nice autumn day in a neighborhood much like John's. A young lady standing outside her house looked up at the stars.

Elsewhere, someone viewed this girl. A gray hand pressed an enter button on a keyboard. Homestuck.

A young girl stood in her bedroom, looking around contentedly and with an expression of pure excitement apparent upon her face. She had black hair, round glasses, a slight case of the buck teeth, and a shirt with a blue logo of a frightening beast from Problem Sleuth on it. It just so happened that today, the 11th of November, 2011, was the date scheduled for the launch of a highly exclusive playtesting experience or a much anticipated game. The young lady was expecting to find this game in her mailbox today. She was expecting the game to be enclosed in a pair of envelopes, and printed on these envelopes, she was expecting to find her name!

What do you suppose the name on the envelopes would be? Well, this time, there are no suggestions, because this young lady already had a name! It had already been engraved in her honorary placronym on her 13th birthday, which had been about two and a half years ago, and had been sitting here neatly on the bookshelf ever since. Attempting to engrave it with another name after completing this sacred rite of passage was practically unheard of, and was a gesture nearly as offensive as it would be if you'd tried to name her something dumb like Barnstench Fartface. Luckily she was not the sort to hold a grudge, and she would let it slide this time. As long as you hurried up and got her big day started! (Hussie, that's your cue!)

Her name was Jane Crocker. As had previously been mentioned, she was poised for an elite opportunity to test the SBURB alpha. It was so elite, in fact, she was the only of her kind invited to playtest! Though she guessed that probably came with the territory of being the heiress apparent to a baked goods empire. She didn't suppose it hurt that she was said empire's number one fangirl, either!

It should come as no surprise that she enjoyed baking, but she also adored reading detective novels. She fancied herself a skilled prankstress if by no other measure than lineage. Though at times she felt it tough to fill those shoes when she was surrounded by jokers. Seriously, the shenanigans perpetrated by her pals made her old school japes seem kind of pedestrian sometimes, but oh well, she loved them all anyway.

She'd once dabbled in amateur botany but had found it too frustrating, because her vegetables had kept disap… actually, you know what, she really didn't want to talk about it. She loved situation comedies, whilst holding particular affection for mustachioed funnymen. You know, your Foxworthies, your Funkes, your Swansons, but not necessarily your Gallaghers per se, because Jane had to draw the fucking line somewhere. She was also pleased to contemplate frightening fauna, though saddened by their regrettable fakeness attitude.

But none of that was on her mind now, because she was psyched about this special date, 11.11.11, i.e. 2x3prong day (whatever that meant), a date exhibiting just the sort of numerical gimmick corporations loved to exploit for their big releases, or for launching major rebranding initiatives. In the case of Jane's cherished multiglobal empire, both such events were slated to happen today. She couldn't wait to see what was in store, and for the mail to come. When it did, she'd waste no time embarking on the game's Maiden voyage, and if even a fraction of what she'd heard turned out to be true, she was prepared to have the time of her Life!

Jane attempted to remove her arms from her chest, but she was not empowered to rehash this running gag because sudden the narrative was too busy examining this other fellow. He had black hair like Jane and square glasses. He also happened to have a slight case of the buck teeth, although in a slightly different way. He wore a jacket over a shirt with a logo of a green skull on it.

We need to figure out this fellow's name, pronto!

Once again, however, we cannot figure out this fellow's name because it is already engraved on an already allocated placronym. His name had been etched when he'd been 13 as well, which was almost three years ago. It had been sitting here neatly in this unbelievably deadly pile of guns ever since. What sort of vulgar, childish moniker were you going to stick this poor bastard with? Barfbreath Turdsmirk?

His name was Jake English. He loved movies. _All_ movies. He would describe his taste in film as eclectic, but in truth, it wasn't much less than totally indiscriminate. He blustered frequently of exuberance for firearms and fisticuffs and adventure, though had no human company with which to share these interests. But who needed chums, when he could enjoy a top notch gander with his gals of cerulean complexion, hubba hubba.

He was known to be found with his nose in a comic book or too, not that it made him a nerd or anything, like he even _cared_ about that! Not a gent of his panache and swagger, qualities which he would bandy with aplomb on his globe-spanning adventures, hypothetically speaking. He'd love to travel around the world, toppling any sacred urns he encountered. He'd be tickled by the opportunity to defile hallowed tombs everywhere, raiding them of their treasures. And how he'd give his right leg for a shot at desecrating the shit out of some real live mystic ruins for their byzantine wares. Luckily for his limb, there was a dandy set of such ruins nearby, and he desecrated them quite frequently! He was also troubled to contemplate frightening fauna, and plagued daily by their regrettable realness attribute.

What else? He sure loved to wrestle. Had he mentioned fisticuffs yet? You know, scrums and what not? Also, skulls. Gosh he loved skulls. There was a good skull at the heart of any mystery, haunting its every Page. That was what Jake always said. Or at least, it was what Jake always Hoped.

Jake made a dutiful motion towards his trusty fire-arms, doing his part to assail the mushy carcass of a horse that had passed away long ago, when suddenly, a wild character-select screen approached! You really feel like you're in the driver's seat now, don't you, Hussie? You can basically take this story literally anywhere, as long as you pick either of the two options you have. I mean, two options!? It's like this whole panoramic cornucopia of limitless possibility sprawling before your very eyes. Pick one, Hussie. Choose wisely.

Hussie chose… Jake.

And just like that, back to Jake! What was it he'd been up to? Oh right, he'd just been going to pick these dang guns up off the floor when he'd been interrupted by some fleeting, imperceptible thought. He kind of spaced out sometimes.

Jake picked up his twin M9 berettas, weapons of choice in an absurd arsenal inherited from an eccentric old woman. Guns were so cool. His Grandma had been rad. He placed them in his strife deck, which was allocated with the 2xpistolkind specibus.

He next examined the holster belt hung around one of his bedposts. It was his authentic tomb raider sexy thighstrap double holster, complete with cool skullbuckle and everything. He liked to think he pulled it off about as well as Croft herself. He put it on. He liked to think he pulled it off as well as Croft, but in truth he looked ridiculous. He thought… he probably needed shorter shorts to make it work? Probably skin tight shorts too. As it was, the cuffs of his baggy shorts got kind of bunched up underneath the thighstraps, which was uncomfortable and kind of made Jake look like a tool.

Ok, forget it. He was better off just keeping it in his strife deck. He could draw the guns faster from there anyway.

Jake walked over to his bed. He thought it was some sort of electronic gadget. He was pretty sure those bedpost globes were supposed to glow under certain circumstances, but he'd never been able to figure out what purpose it served. Just more mysterious junk inherited from his eclectic Grandma. She'd also given him these green bedsheets when he'd been very young, which he adored, but only for sentimental reasons. He wasn't too keen on monsters.

Jake decided to look at his posters next, but which ones? His whole room was nothing but posters. Sometimes he found it hard to focus on any one of them. He just relaxed his eyes and got lost in all the incredible heroes and adventures which had exploded from the silver screen and into his bedroom as well as his heart. Movies were so great. He'd never seen a movie he hadn't liked, he was pretty sure. People gave him a hard time for that though. Gosh he loved movies. Almost as much as he loved skulls. And movies with skulls in them? Oh my god. So wonderful.

Jake scoped out his private collection of beauties. But he didn't call them that to anyone but himself in private, because somehow he was aware of how dorky that sounded. He was oft-times the recipient of a good ribbing from Jane on account of his peculiar fascination with blue movie ladies. He didn't have to justify himself to her, though. What was even her deal? Any fella would be off his rocker not to fawn over all these bodacious blue knockouts. Jake wanted to make out with all of them.

Dear, sweet Neytiri from James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, if only he'd been the one who could have overcome his paralysis on an alien adventure planet to become her boyfriend, instead of that other guy. Then she could have shown him how to be bold and courageous, and stand up to fight for his people, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving ponytails, and a magical tree he guessed.

Jake would show that curmudgeonly Strider who was just a gigantic shitty space furry. Jake would show him what marvelous creatures they were. Jake would show him what a daring dream it was, to combine the finest qualities of humanity with… but seriously, he had to stop kissing this stupid poster.

Yes, that had been a waste of time. Definitely. It was definitely not something he spent much time doing whenever he was alone, which was always. Anyway, here were some other great movies. Weekend at Bernie's? Classic. Jake really thought that John would like this movie, if what he'd heard about him was true. Guys in cahoots make the silly corpse of Bernie Lomax do zany puppet antics so their schemes can succeed, guffaws aplenty, as Jake had tried to tell Jade before practically verbatim. She didn't much care for great movies like that, but that was alright. He loved her anyway and he thought she was a blast. She said he sounded just like John when he said stuff like that though, and that the two of them would get along famously. Jake couldn't wait to meet him.

Also there were some Cage flicks there on his wall. But who didn't love a good Cage flick? Nobody was who. Dang, he would kill to get his hands on some authentic Cage movie memorabilia. But that would probably have to remain a crazy dream.

Oh, speaking of John, this was his birthday present! It was the project that had been taking up all his time lately. And today was the deadline to finish it! He had to send it to Jade so that she had time to ship it to him across the Pacific Ocean. The Transmaterializer he'd been using to ship it back and forth was wired to sync up his flow of time with hers, so it wasn't like he could just take forever with it, and send to the exact time she needed it - he'd thought of that! And considering this bunny was probably going back to the early 20th century, when she and John had been around his age, he figured the mail had been extra slow back then, so there was not a moment to spare. Whew, time stuff was pretty complicated! But he was fairly sure he'd got this figured out.

Jake looked at the bunny. Sure was gonna be a sweet gift. Reminded him a lot of the ratty old bunny he'd inherited from his Grandma, who of course was exactly who he was collaborating with to make this thing. Time loops made him feel a bit fuzzy in the head, but he'd always expected it could very well be the same bunny. At some point in the early 20th century, Jade had given this robo-rabbit to John, and then later it must have wound up back with Jade… somehow? Then she'd... uh… removed all the robot parts, hung on to it until she was an old woman, and then given it to him? He guessed crazier things had happened. Like the way this whole project had started in the first place. Jade told him that this rabbit here, or Terry Kiser, as he liked to call him, would save John's life! He would be sitting there on some sort of chess board battlefield, when POW! Kiser to the rescue. So he was taking this responsibility very seriously. He had been for years already.

In fact, this project had given him a neat idea for what to do for Jane's 13th birthday a couple years ago. He and his other pals had all coordinated gifts, each sending a customized rabbit. Lalonde had happened to have another bunny heirloom like Jake's, and Strider had been resourceful as usual. If John enjoyed his gift nearly as much as Jane had, then it would be time well spent.

There was just one problem. Mr. Kiser here could not be completed and tested today without a source of power! He'd need a little chunk of uranium to power the robot, and he was fresh out of the stuff. He'd been plundering all his devices for uranium to refuel the Transmaterializer, which required huge amounts of power any time it sendificated or appearified the package from the past. Seemed to him like excessive energy consumption for just a simple time machine, but what did he know? Unless it was doing something besides shipping it across time. He couldn't imagine what, though.

He really should have remembered to ask Jade for some uranium in his last letter to her. Now he was in a fix. He'd even yanked the uranium out of his Cookalizer and Refrigerator. He hadn't had a decent meal in weeks! Just a lot of canned food from the ruins.

This project had been difficult enough as it was without additional bumps in the road like this. He wasn't really the best guy at building machines. Jade had been a huge help, but she said she couldn't do this alone. As much as it troubled his pride to admit it, this project wouldn't be possible without help from his other two technologically savvy friends. And he was slowly coming to the regrettable conclusion that he would not be able to solve this uranium dilemma without asking for Strider's assistance. He was Jake's best bro and all, but the dude never made anything easy.

Jake stashed Terry in his puzzle modus. It was quite a handy modus, allowing him to captchalogue objects of any size, as long as he could fit them all in a finite space by maneuvering the cards around like a big game of Tetris. He like it because it kept him sharp for solving any puzzles he might find when he went out raiding hallowed tombs, which was never. The bunny fit in okay, but it was a tight squeeze. The space in his inventory was mainly hogged up by one incredibly huge thing. He guessed he should get rid of it. But he couldn't shake the feeling he might need it someday, and he didn't want to risk ditching it and being caught with his pants down later.

On Jake's worktable, there were a few comic books starring his favorite heroine of all, spider-girl. He didn't know what it was, but there was something about a girl who had spidery powers and a sassy attitude that was just so cool to him. It was just another quirky fact about him that definitely didn't have a greater significance, and never would.

Jake took the comics. Horsefeathers! Forcing the comics into his puzzle sylladex had knocked out a bunch of other crap: some fruit and his husktop. He seriously needed to reorganize the thing. What had he even been thinking captchaloguing all those bullets at one time, anyway?

Well, as long as one of his preposterously numerous computers had spilled out of his sylladex, he might as well stop procrastinating and contact Strider to… hang on. Someone was contacting him. It was that gray girl - the one with the caduceus symbol.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****golgothasTerror [GT]** **at 5:45 **

**UU: hello there, darling. ~3u**

**GT: Ahoy madame!**

**UU: i dont relish troUbling yoU with more arm twisting.**

**UU: im sUre for all ive done so far yoUve had a jolly good workoUt already :u**

**UU: bUt yoU will be ready to deliver the package today, yes?**

**GT: Im determined as ever to see this through. But as usual events have conspired to make a boondoggle of the prospect.**

**GT: I think i might be fucked.**

**UU: :U**

**UU: how so?**

**GT: Terry needs fuel and i dont have any left. I think im at striders dubious mercy for a solution YET AGAIN.**

**GT: I will have to ask him for help. And soon.**

**UU: well there yoU go, love! better hop to it.**

**GT: Yes i will.**

**GT: But also...**

**GT: Theres the matter of the rabbits armaments.**

**GT: I dont imagine hell do a lot of friggin good in helping grandfather crocker from kicking the old bucket without them.**

**GT: Did you not say youd supply these?**

**UU: i did indeed say so!**

**UU: and have already done.**

**GT: You did?**

**GT: When?**

**UU: in yoUr fUtUre.**

**UU: i relayed the information enabling yoU to create the powerfUl weaponry yoUrself.**

**UU: and yoU did!**

**UU: yoU then sent them back in time. yoU may recover them in the rUins, which conveniently is where yoU mUst go to ship the package once and for all.**

**UU: bangUp plan we hatched, dont yoU fancy? ^u^**

**GT: I see...**

**GT: Yes it sure is if that is the case.**

**GT: Then all thats left to do is find power for it...**

**GT: Oh and also enough power for the stupid transmateriabob. Augh!**

**GT: So much to do before shuttling this goddamn thing into the past.**

**GT: I mean...**

**GT: That is what im doing right? Giving it to my grandma when she was a kid growing up on the same island i did?**

**UU: that is somewhat close to the trUth, and i can see how yoU woUld draw that conclUsion.**

**UU: bUt theres more to it yoU dont Understand yet! yoU will sort it all oUt in time.**

**GT: These are among the dadblasted causal spoilers you refuse to dish out?**

**UU: somewhat.**

**UU: it woUldnt hUrt yoU mUch to know the trUth, i imagine.**

**UU: its jUst the trUth is a wee bit complicated.**

**UU: perhaps a draft of the cascading seqUence from which yoUr reality has arisen will pUt yoUr mind at ease.**

**UU: imagine two Universes, A and B.**

**UU: now imagine there are two instances of each Universe, A1 and A2 and B1 and B2.**

**UU: the first instance of each is like a test rUn, that does not qUite sUcceed.**

**UU: the second instance thoUgh will meet all of its pUrposes!**

**UU: now consider that A1 begets A2.**

**UU: A2 begets B1.**

**UU: and B1 begets B2.**

**UU: and the participants of B2 are the ones who will make an effort to exit all this tUrbUlence and falderal.**

**UU: yoU are one of them! :U**

**UU: and yoUr yoUng ancestor is another, thoUgh she is "presently" stationed in B1.**

**UU: and yes she is in the past.**

**UU: thoUgh not qUite as far as yoU believe!**

**UU: nor does she occUpy the same stream of continUity.**

**GT: Im not sure i completely followed that but ok.**

**UU: thats the best i can do for now. u_u**

**UU: primarily becaUse i will not risk wasting mUch more of yoUr time!**

**GT: So you are still in contention that i will meet our elders as youths?**

**UU: oh yes! ^u^**

**GT: Ah ha! Then i WILL be traveling through time. I knew it.**

**GT: Or... they will be. Whichever it is.**

**GT: Which is it, btw?**

**UU: caUsal spoilers, sir english!**

**GT: Fffff.**

**UU: given the natUre of the qUest waiting for yoU, it woUldnt be shrewd of me to rUle oUt the employment of time travel by any individUal.**

**UU: bUt i will say that yoUre probably prey to a basic misapprehension aboUt the natUre of this rendezvoUs.**

**UU: it will not take place on earth.**

**UU: it will happen inside the game yoUre aboUt to play!**

**GT: Oh.**

**GT: Well shit!**

**UU: indeed. :u**

**GT: This is frightfully exciting. I would love to meet them.**

**GT: I never got to know my grandma very well and it always seemed like she led an amazing and adventurous life.**

**GT: Then this seemed to be proven true in my correspondence with her. So im really looking forward to it.**

**UU: so trUe. id pay a hefty ransom to get to know my forebears.**

**GT: I remember you mentioned your race doesnt really jive with ours familially speaking?**

**UU: correct. i never knew those who one woUld identify as my parental eqUivalents. U_U**

**UU: it is in the way my race propagates. oUr ancestors precede Us by millenia.**

**GT: Well yes ours do too. But generally we have all these other people in between them and the most recent ones are called parents.**

**GT: so i guess you do not have those? Like systemically?**

**UU: nope! never did.**

**GT: well neither did i!**

**UU: ^u^**

**GT: Miss alien i think we are like birds of a feather you and i.**

**GT: When do i get to learn your name by the way?**

**UU: hm trUthfUlly?**

**UU: it may be for the best that yoU never know it.**

**UU: it coUld stir Up some things best left in their present eqUilibriUm.**

**UU: and now i think i shoUld bollocks off and leave yoU to it!**

**GT: But...**

**GT: Wait!**

**GT: There are still some things id like to know!**

**GT: About today! About this game!**

**UU: no more procrastinating!**

**UU: contact yoUr friend, darling.**

**GT: Yes fine fine ok i will but...**

**GT: Just please tell me in the least causally spoilery way possible...**

**GT: What are we even trying to accomplish here? What is even the rootin tootin POINT of this game?**

**UU: i think yoU will have more fUn than yoU can imagine finding oUt.**

**UU: bUt stated concisely, and short of spoilerly as yoU so charmingly pUt it,**

**UU: yoUr objective today is to pave the way for the arrival of gods.**

**UU: kisses!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**


	144. Book 9 Chapter 2: Strider

Chapter 2: Strider

If Jake was going to message his good bro, he might as well use a more comfortable computing device. He'd always found the husktop to be a little clunky. Way too hands-on. Here were just a few at his disposal. His Grandma had always been an advocate of thorough preparedness. She would strongly advise not only staying armed to the teeth, but well equipped in the computational department. He'd been taught he should really carry no less than 5 computers on him at all times, like a sensible person.

He put on a few of his more ostentatious devices. The skull belt, the Cairo Overcomputer, and the shoe-mputers. Luckily (or unfortunately), he'd grown up alone, so there'd never been anyone around to point out how ridiculous he looked. These he'd also inherited from his Grandma. In addition to being quite a globe-trotting adventuress, she'd been rather enterprising as well. Her company had made many products like this, to compete with the corporation owned by the cruel baroness who had raised her. Sadly, BCCorp had eventually crushed her company and forced her into exile. He had always hoped that when Jane took over that foul conglomerate, she would right all of its unspeakable wrongs. He knew she would! He believed in her, after all.

Anyway, there was no use delaying it any longer.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****timaeusTestified [TT]** **at 5:57**

**GT: Bro.**

**GT: Ahem.**

**GT: Are you there?**

**GT: I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately...**

**TT: State your business, Jake.**

**GT: I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation.**

**GT: For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me.**

**GT: It has just been...**

**GT: Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner.**

**GT: Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie.**

**GT: Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.***

**GT: I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it!**

**TT: Take it easy, bromide.**

**TT: Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible.**

**TT: But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided,**

**TT: That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time.**

**TT: And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity.**

**TT: Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it.**

**GT: I...**

**GT: Oh. Yes! But of course.**

**GT: The ironies!**

**GT: Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude.**

**GT: *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.***

**GT: *NONSUGGESTIVELY!***

**GT: Um.**

**GT: Yeah.**

**TT: Ok, nice.**

**TT: Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so,**

**TT: Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got.**

**TT: I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No?**

**GT: Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff.**

**GT: I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already.**

**GT: No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention.**

**GT: However...**

**GT: My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean!**

**GT: You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.***

**TT: You are out of uranium.**

**TT: It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me.**

**GT: Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are.**

**GT: Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already? Im in kind of a hurry!**

**TT: You do know my offer still stands.**

**GT: What?**

**TT: You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model.**

**GT: Oh i know you would its just...**

**GT: Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself.**

**GT: Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know!**

**TT: Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud.**

**TT: But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time.**

**TT: Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness.**

**GT: Frig!**

**GT: Why not?**

**TT: It's too easy.**

**TT: And you yourself are the one staking pride in this.**

**TT: If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts.**

**GT: Ok then! Im halfassing it!**

**GT: Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask?**

**GT: Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it!**

**TT: Nope. Not buying it.**

**TT: I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it.**

**TT: And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located.**

**GT: Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche.**

**TT: It seems you think I am a fucking douche.**

**TT: That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool.**

**GT: I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking!**

**GT: Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud?**

**TT: It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud.**

**TT: I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas.**

**GT: Wait...**

**GT: "It seems"?**

**TT: What?**

**GT: Oh for fucks sake.**

**TT: Is something the matter, Jake?**

**GT: This is your auto responder.**

A pair of glasses sat on the sink of Strider's bathroom. The boy's shirt with a logo of an orange hat on it was hung on a hook on the door. A broken robot puppet leg lay on the ground.

**TT: Look at that statement you just made.**

**TT: It's time for me to respond with some words, ideally chosen and arranged in a way that will wreck your shit, in a subtle and psychologically devastating way.**

**GT: Har har har!**

**GT: Just soooo "*irooooonic*!" Quotes quotes quotes.**

**GT: Im laughing my caboose STRAIGHT OFF THE TRACKS! A lot of families just died in the tragic derailment.**

**TT: Ok, the caboose remark was actually pretty funny, Jake.**

**TT: If I truly were what you say I am, I wouldn't be able to feel the human emotions of joy and laughter. No?**

**GT: Laughter isnt an emotion dickprince!**

**TT: I think you should back your claims up with proof before you go heaving around such accusations.**

**GT: Man its so flipping obvious.**

**GT: You start getting kind of extra technical and vague and automoton like.**

**GT: And kind of aloof and brusque.**

**GT: I mean...**

**GT: Even aloofier and brusquier than usual!**

**GT: Also you use the phrase "it seems" a lot. Its so silly it really blows the AI immersion man.**

**TT: Bullshit.**

**TT: I'm being like, the perfect dude right now. A fully fucking legitimate human being.**

**GT: Ok then check this out mr legit human dude.**

**GT: Excuse me sir not to be a bother but could you please tell me all about this strider fellows auto responder?**

**TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.**

**GT: You see!**

**TT: What if I was just fucking with you there?**

**TT: Would it really be so unthinkable for a human to type that?**

**GT: Because you always say shit like that after i catch wise to your games.**

**GT: You as in the auto responder!**

**TT: Unimpressed.**

**TT: Logical fallacies are as pervasive throughout your argument as your antiquated verbal tics.**

**GT: Oh yeah?**

**GT: Hey. Tell me about the auto responder. Make it snappy shitknickers!**

**TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 93% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.**

**GT: Gee dude you sure typed that exact same thing pretty fast.**

**GT: Are you still fucking with me?**

**TT: It could be a coincidence that I typed the same answer.**

**GT: You always type that answer!**

**TT: It could be a coincidence that I always type the same answer.**

**GT: Uuuuuuugh.**

**GT: I cant stand this. Every time we do this and i just wind up whistling sweet dixie out of my bum hole!**

**GT: This is pointless im not having this conversation unless its with my REAL LIFE FRIEND. THE ONE WITH HUMAN FEELINGS WHO ISNT A PRETEND PERSON INSIDE SUNGLASSES.**

**TT: Ok, but I'm pretty sure he's going to share my position on the matter.**

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **ceased pestering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

Ugh! That boy was just so infuriating sometimes! Or at least his responder was. Ok, the real Strider was too. There was barely any difference between them anyway. The responder just used a few more generic response templates. And even those he suspected the AI was savvy enough to use on purpose for the sake of irony, or to get a rise out of him or whatever. That silicon bastard knew damn well what it was doing.

Jake ditched the outfit because he looked like an idiot. It was time to get serious here. No more fooling around. He needed a more dignified looking computer. A thinking man's computer. He donned the skulltop, a green helmet with black glasses and fangs on it. This was much better. He looked like he meant business.

Hmm… no sign of Lalonde online. No surprise there. He wondered if Jane knew where his bro was at. He should try to cool his jets before talking to her. Today was a special day she'd been looking forward to for a long time, and she was probably on cloud nine. He wouldn't want to ruin it for her.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 6:05 **

**GT: Jane!**

**GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.**

**GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?**

**GG: Oh, that's fine!**

**GG: I had been meaning to message you sooner actually, but I suppose in all the hubbub today, it plumb slipped my mind.**

**GG: Which is a shocking fact on its lonesome, considering what I have to tell you!**

**GT: Egad...**

**GT: *Loosens collar a bit.***

**GG: As for this Strider business, hrmmm. He's an elusive guy Jake. You know that.**

**GG: I talked to him yesterday. That's as much help as I can be!**

**GT: Shoot.**

**GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on.**

**GG: Hoo hoo.**

**GG: I love that thing. :B**

**GT: He wouldnt be pleased to hear you say that.**

**GG: What do you need with him?**

**GG: Does this have to do with your crazy pen pal project?**

**GT: It most certainly does and time is of the essence!**

**GT: Today is the day i have to finish it and send it. Not a day later!**

**GT: So you see why i am feeling really friggin discombobulated at the moment.**

**GG: Sorry, J. :(**

**GG: This would be the birthday present... for your grandmother?**

**GT: No!**

**GT: It is for your grandfather simply to be *relayed* to him by my grandmother. A joint gift to him from she and i.**

**GG: Her and me.**

**GT: What? Who and you now?**

**GG: "A joint gift from her and me." Grammar, Jake!**

**GT: Oh for frigs flipping sake jane this is no time for your prudish pedantry! Leave your bookish malarkey in a dusty old library somewhere. I have an adventure to get on with!**

**GG: So if I have this straight, the big thing hogging up your plate today is not this marvelous new game which I have invited you to play with me, but finishing a robotic rabbit to give to my dead poppop?**

**GT: Bingo. *double pistols and a wink***

**GG: You are a very strange and silly boy.**

**GT: Please jane we have addressed this.**

**GT: I am sending the gift back in time to when they are both alive and about our age.**

**GT: Or...**

**GT: Something like that. Something funny is going on here that i have not fully grappled yet but dag nab it if im not gonna see it through.**

**GG: Well,**

**GG: Godspeed, then! I do hope you can pull it off.**

**GT: Are you being fresh with me now?**

**GG: No!**

**GT: Look jane i know youve never believed me and you think everything i say is some big cockamamie goofoff but i think today of all days is when you should start taking some things more seriously.**

**GT: Especially since i have always had your back. I have always believed in you!**

**GG: Hey! I have believed in you too.**

**GG: However, believing somebody isn't the same thing as believing IN somebody.**

**GG: But that much said...**

**GG: I think that maybe I am getting ready to believe some of the wild stories I've heard?**

**GG: Or, if not believe outright, reserve judgment on, at least.**

**GT: Is that so!**

**GG: I don't know!**

**GG: I'm still not sure what to think. But what I wanted to tell you this morning was...**

**GG: I had a really wild dream last night.**

**GG: And you were in it.**

**GT: Oh my. *glasses fog up. fumbles for kerchief.***

**GG: Sh! Not like that.**

**GG: It was so real! I think we were in the game, even though we haven't started playing yet.**

**GG: I don't know what to make of it. Whether it was a vision of the future, or somewhere that exists now, or if it was just a really lucid dream due to excitement.**

**GT: What was i doing there?**

**GG: Um...**

**GG: Not a heck of a lot!**

**GG: I really want to tell you all about it, but it will take some time to explain, and we both have things to attend to.**

**GG: You with your time traveling rabbitwork, and I, my vigilant window gazing!**

**GT: Too true.**

**GT: Let us reconvene later and sort out all this shit at a leisurely pace.**

**GG: Yes, ok, good luck Jake!**

**GT: Okay you too jane! Bye!**

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Jake was curious about Jane's dream. Sounded like it almost certainly had to do with their imminent adventure He'd have to remember to get the scoop on that a little bit later. For now, he had other worries that needed his focus. He had to go downstairs to check something out. He was pretty sure he knew what he'd find though. He almost tripped on a vine creeping up the stairs. It was too bad his Grandma was dead. She'd had a way with keeping the flora in check.

He walked down to the floor below, where the robot box was broken open. Just like Jake had thought. Empty. The thing was out there somewhere, waiting for him. Oh god.

Jake's skulltop beeped. He checked who it was. Speak of the devil fucking dickens.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]** **at 6:17**

**TT: Hey, it's me.**

**GT: Oh hey!**

**TT: The auto-responder, I mean.**

**GT: Dammit!**

**GT: What is it now?**

**TT: I'm just wondering,**

**TT: If you still have your stupid old-fangled knickers in a twist.**

**TT: Because that's the sort of thing you would say.**

**GT: In regard to what exactly?**

**TT: To my proposal. Well, our proposal.**

**GT: Whose proposal now? Man what are you even prattling about.**

**TT: Mine and DS's. It's a joint proposal. I'm always authorized to speak on his behalf, because I'm basically fucking him.**

**TT: And try not to take those last four words as a clustered literal sentiment. That would be lame and unfunny.**

**GT: You mean making the rabbit for me?**

**TT: No, I know you don't want that.**

**TT: I meant my recommendation for how to go about procuring a new supply of uranium.**

**TT: Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.**

**GT: Oh yeah.**

**GT: Well ive thought about it.**

**GT: Even went downstairs to check the great vaulty doodad.**

**GT: And predictably the infernal contraption is nowhere to be found.**

**TT: Well yeah, Jake.**

**TT: That's sort of the point.**

**TT: Thrill of the hunt and all.**

**TT: I thought you liked to manicure the image of a dude who shits his pants over a good adventure.**

**GT: I do!**

**GT: I mean i wouldnt put it in a way like that or come out against a solid policy of clean trousers. But yes adventure is awesome.**

**GT: I just prefer the idea of adventures which i can actually win.**

**TT: It seems you are conflating adventure with bodies necessarily governed by the result of victory or defeat.**

**TT: Any useless fuckwit knows it's all about the journey.**

**GT: Well...**

**GT: I dunno.**

**TT: It seems there is a 76.10395784% chance you are pussying out on me. Are you pussying out on me, Jake?**

**GT: It seems it seems it seems!**

**GT: It seems there is a million percent chance that you say it seems way too much and do it just to sound more like a lame robot from a movie and also probably just to piss me off!**

**GT: And it seems there is a BILLION POINT BILLION percent chance that youre a shitty stubborn jerk of a program who wont listen to reason and that if theres even a 1% chance my REAL LIFE FRIEND would be cool and help me out here then i think i LIKE THOSE FREAKIN ODDS!**

**TT: It...**

**TT: **_**Appears**_

**TT: That you are upset.**

**TT: The auto-responder observed in the least artificially infuriating way possible.**

**TT: Have you ever stopped to think that while I may be bound to processes inside the glasses of a real and incredibly cool guy, my algorithms in cognitive totality comprise a conscious entity not far short of the experiential and emotional complexity of a human being?**

**GT: Oh malarkey.**

**GT: YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS.**

**TT: I think you knowingly confuse the field of robotics and artificial intelligence to engender some sort of cavalier attitude about technology that a rough-and-tumble guy who's all about brawling and fisticuffs would probably have, and if this is cultivated to a humorous effect then I commend you.**

**TT: But you're wrong.**

**TT: I do have feelings. And you're shitting on them.**

**TT: It sucks.**

**GT: Oh.**

**GT: Um.**

**GT: Im sorry then if thats the case.**

**TT: No problem.**

**GT: It can just be difficult to drum up sympathy for a program that presents itself as an impostor so often.**

**GT: Maybe if you werent so ready to insist you were the genuine article all the time? Or didnt make it so confusing for me...**

**GT: I think it would be best if we henceforth treated you as a totally distinct... uh... THING from my buddy.**

**GT: And then i could respect your emotional robofeelings and you could respect that sometimes maybe i just want to talk to my bro without a lot of spurious hijinks.**

**GT: Can we agree to this?**

**TT: Is this a counterproposal?**

**GT: Uh to what?**

**TT: To my earlier proposal.**

**GT: Oh.**

**GT: Yeah fine i guess.**

**GT: Man where IS he anyway?**

**GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers?**

**TT: What can I say.**

**TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.**

**GT: Frig ok.**

**GT: Whatever i guess its time to prepare for the thrill of the hunt!**

**TT: Fuck yes.**

**GT: Sigh...**

**GT: But seriously that brobot has been the bane of my existence ever since you sent it.**

**TT: I didn't send it. I sent the parts.**

**TT: Or, correction, DS sent them.**

**TT: You then assembled it. You were therefore complicit in your own spectacular, daily humiliations.**

**GT: Yeah whatever. **

**TT: You wanted somebody to wrestle with. DS was being a kickass bro if you ask me.**

**GT: I didn't expect it to be nigh impossible to spar with! **

**TT: You know damn well there are adjustable difficulty settings.**

**TT: I have always recommending setting it to Novice, as has DS.**

**GT: Yes. **

**GT: I know. **

**GT: Ive tried that. **

**TT: Yeah?**

**GT: Its just... **

**GT: Well... **

**GT: When hes pulling punches... **

**GT: And taking it all easy and such... **

**GT: And we start wrestling up a storm and whatnot... **

**GT: Umm. **

**TT: What.**

**GT: Its just that the whole proceeding seems to become... **

**GT: A bit tender for my liking. **

**TT: I don't understand.**

**TT: Isn't that what you want from a Novice setting?**

**TT: Sparring with minimal discomfort?**

**GT: No i know. **

**GT: Its all fine and dandy martially speaking. **

**GT: Just the way he... **

**GT: Sort of... **

**GT: Man its so awkward trying to convey this just never mind. **

**TT: No, I think I get it.**

**TT: You're saying you were somehow dissatisfied within the presence of my robotic avatar's personal space.**

**TT: Was there an odor problem? Was the metal too hot to the touch?**

**TT: Help me out.**

**GT: No no. **

**GT: Really never mind! **

**TT: This is bullshit, Jake.**

**TT: We had a pact. You were gonna tiptoe all the fuck around my brittle feelings. Totally mind the shit out of those eggshell riddled motherfuckers.**

**GT: Oh come on dude. **

**TT: What does the guy have to do, Jake?**

**TT: You want to wrestle. He's fucking game. Just a man, a machine, a secluded tropical island. Sounds like you died and went to fucking heaven, if you ask me.**

**TT: Seriously, what does this simple, loyal brobot have to do to prove his worth to you?**

**TT: What does he have to do to make you at ease with the alkaline sting of his gentle robogrope? I really want to know.**

**TT: Maybe he should just rip his heart out of his chest and pound it into green gravel there in the jungle with his hella strong robot arm.**

**TT: Invoke_Onomatopoeia(Pound * some ridiculously precise value retrieved at astonishing speed from my rad neural net);**

**TT: Check it out, little green rocks all over the goddamn place. More than you could ever hope to cram in a shoddy metal rabbit, or any other pliable orifice which might be convenient.**

**TT: Because clearly its up to a soulless droid to feel emotions for the both of us, you callous, corporeal carbon ape, all trotting around with your fancy fuckin' DNA and shit.**

**GT: ... **

**GT: But gosh does your prose ever make a fella feel uncomfortable.**

**TT: Brose.**

**GT: Oh right. My mistake. **

**TT: You know what, I've just decided.**

**TT: If the brobot's Novice setting makes you uneasy, I'm going to disable it remotely.**

**TT: Done.**

**TT: Now you got nothing to worry about.**

**GT: Awww maaaan! **

**GT: But now hell be impossible! **

**TT: Happy hunting, Jake.**

**GT: Fuckin... **

**GT: SHUCKS buster. :( **

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering** **golgothasTerror [GT]**

Ok, if he wanted happy hunting, Jake would _give_ him happy hunting. _Happily_. He pulled his guns out of his pockets and made a careful motion with a tentative shoe towards the egress case, when suddenly that darned wild character-select screen accosted you benignly without notice!

You still can't pick either of the shadowy people. Neither DS or RL. And you've already picked Jake. That leaves you with one choice. Oh my god, it's like an entire room filled with chocolate and candy and you don't know where to start… I'm going to shut up now and let Hussie decide… I mean, let Hussie continue. It's more like a "==" command and less like candy. Oh wait, Doc Scratch had "==" command candies.


	145. Book 9 Chapter 3: 2x3prong Day

Chapter 3: 2x3prong Day

Hussie chose Jane Crocker due to there being no other choice.

The narrative shifted to Jane again. What was it that she'd been up to? Oh right, this game. She was excited about that!

Earlier this morning, she'd thought she'd heard the mail truck, even though the mail never came in the morning. But just to be sure, she'd rushed downstairs to check, even though due to recent events, she was forbidden from leaving the house. Alas, it hadn't been there, and she'd sort of spaced out at the sky with a goofy grin on her face for no great reason, and then she'd been caught red-handed by her guardian. Then she'd gotten in trouble. She thought she might be grounded now? Whatever, _Dad_!

Jane looked at her fetch modus, which was on her dresser along with her dirty fedora and honorary placronym. It was her recipe modus, an extremely handy little inventory widget her Dad had gotten her for her birthday a couple years ago. He could be a real hard-ass sometimes (not really), but he sure knew how to spoil his little girl.

She stuck the recipe modus in her… uh… recipe modus? She flipped the captchalogued modus over and looked at the back. The thing about this modus she thought was really cool was that instead of showing a completely useless wobbly garbled code on the back, it itemized the components which could be used to create it! In a completely hypothetical framework, of course.

Just another wonderful innovation by Jane's favorite company. It released many products of an experimental nature, often with applicability to other kinds of technology and products which haven't hit the market yet. Of course, as the heiress, she was privy to all the sweetest gear in advance. Maybe she'd rummage through some of that stuff later.

The modus as a captchalogued object had only one simple recipe, involving an array modus (snore!) and a cookbook (yesss!). Other objects had more varied and elaborate recipes though.

Jane captchalogued her favorite hat, which was also her only hat. She'd spent basically her entire childhood in this hat, pretending to be hard boiled detectives and whatnot. In public, she and her Dad made quite a pair. Everyone could tell at a glance that she was her father's daughter, sired from his loins directly and genetically through what was undoubtedly a natural process of human procreation involving a man and a woman. People would definitely nod and say, "Yep, that little lady sure did emerge from a womb on account _that_ gentleman's awesome virility."

There were many ways to cook up a hat like this, involving many stupid combinations of random objects, such as a steak &amp;&amp; combined with a fatherly shaving guide, a gun | | combined with a top hat, and a potted plant &amp;&amp; combined with the book _Dream Bubbles_ by Charles Dutton | | combined with a spiky ball known as a… matriorb?

Jane looked over at one of her posters. It featured one of her funnymen pinups, a glorious Foxworthy. It was one interest that overlapped with her Dad's. He thought Jeff's corny redneck shtick was just the funniest thing since sliced bread, that was sliced by a hilarious clown with a laugh knife. Honestly, she didn't care much for his comedy though. Dealing the low income bucolic classes affectionate sass ad nauseum wasn't what she'd call her cup of tea. She just thought he was really handsome. Every time he started rattling off pointers on how to self-diagnose bumpkinhood, she just got lost in those pair of blue twinklers and those soft auburn lipbristles. She'd been so shy when she'd gotten the photo autographed. If only she'd felt worthy of that fox, heh heh.

Oh, and there was one of her Problem Sleuth posters. She had a lot of Problem Sleuth stuff, because she thought detective stories were just so swell. The poster was of the last panel of the first story, which had ended a little before her 13th birthday. Since then, the author had been steadily updating Problem Sleuth 2, which she'd been following avidly. She was happy that Hussie had stayed in that lane and stuck with a time-tested formula. If he'd gone in a different direction, she probably would have found it really disappointing.

There was another Sleuth poster, of course, with two of her favorite dames ever.

The Tobias and the Dr. Manhattan posters had been gifts for her 14th birthday, sent to her by her good buddy Jake. Just a couple of periwinkle heartthrobs unquestionably sent in playful retaliation for the ribbing she'd given him over the years for his inexplicable infatuation with his phthalo femmes. So he had made a couple of coy recommendations for objects of her attraction, and she had hung his cobalt beefcakes here since. He'd been pretty spot-on with the blue Tobias Funke, since that was like the best show ever. David Cross could blue himself any time, as far as Jane was concerned. The Manhattan… not so much. Comics weren't really her thing. But she'd hung it up anyway because that was the sort of thing she did in a mildly escalating feud of passive-aggressive one-upmanship. She owned it. But she'd felt kind of weird about having his blue mutant penis dangle over her head while she slept, so she'd covered it up with something even more obscene, some sort of revolting Troll Howie Mandel, also gifted to her by Jake. Good lord did that kid have some spotty tastes.

There was also her magnificent Swanson. Ron Swanson was the perfect man. Jane had tried to order all of the bacon and eggs in a restaurant on several occasions. But her Dad had never let the order go beyond the joke level. What a fuddyduddy.

Jane tucked her trusty Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring Solution 50,000 (which was basically just a spoon sitting on her bed) into her strife deck, allocating it with the ever martially-pragmatic spoonkind! She wouldn't have it any other way. She loved her fancy spoon. It had several million recipes stored in it (okay, so it was more than just a spoon), and walked her through each step with a soothing female robot voice, just like in science fiction (okay, so it was a _lot_ more than just a spoon). Some urban legends said that the device also broadcasted subliminal messages distributing ominous Crockercorp propaganda, but Jane didn't put any stock in that sort of baloney for a second.

There was one switch on the JBBSS 50,000 that didn't seem to do anything. Maybe hers was defective? Still, it was perfectly serviceable, and had assisted her in whipping many a cake into delicious submission.

Jane examined her stuffed bunnies. They'd been gifts to her on her 13th birthday, from two of her friends. Both were heirlooms that had been passed down to them, and they'd decided to coordinate gift ideas and send her dressed up versions of their beloved childhood toys. She liked to think Jake had been shooting for a detective bunny with the one on the left, but she knew realistically it was probably an Indiana Jones bunny more in line with his interests than hers, especially since it had come with a little whip she had since misplaced. The bunny had used to belong to his Grandma.

The other one used to belong to her friend's Mom, and she'd dressed it as a pink wizard, which was also unapologetically more representative of her interests than Jane's. That was okay though. Jane loved the gesture anyway, and they were totally BFFSIES 4EVERZ, her words. And Jane agreed with them!

She'd gotten one more bunny from her other pal. He'd decided to make it himself from scratch, since for some ridiculous reason he hadn't happened to have a ratty old bunny heirloom lying around. His gift had been… somewhat less innocuous. She had no idea where it was though. Probably just as well.

Jane growled in frustration. She'd been fidgeting around her room all day, making little observations about her various belongings, checking the clock. When would the dang mail get here? She took another peek out the window, just in case. It was still not there. The flaggy swingy dealy doodad was still down. But there was her Dad, standing outside. He had a fedora on and a pipe in his mouth, as usual. He was wearing a freshly laundered suit. What was he up to?

Jane's Dad captchalogued the car. Oh, that was right. He was going to wash it today. He was probably taking it into the backyard next to the garden hose. He kept a very busy fatherly itinerary. So many dad things to do, every single day.

If the mail arrived soon, this would be a great opportunity to sneak out and get it! Fingers crossed.

In the meantime, it looked like someone was bothering her. He had better make it quick. She had a window to stay glued to.

She hopped onto her computer, where she had a Problem Sleuth background. On her desktop were her computer system; her browser, Hemera; her chat client, BettyBother; and Pesterchum, which she had yet to use. She knew she should really switch to Pesterchum. It was what her friends used, and it was a lot better than BettyBother, if she was being honest with herself. BB was just so spammy and annoying with all the popups everywhere.

Ugh, look at this dreadful clutter! "Be the first to visit Mars!" "Fruit gushers!" "Hamburger helper!" A picture of Guy Fieri. Wait. Guy Fieri? Whatever. She had to switch to Pesterchum. But then, brand loyalty was a powerful thing. Jane didn't notice the ominous messages that flashed onscreen every few seconds. It looked like Jake was pestering her.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 11:05**

**GT: Jane!**

**GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.**

**GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?**

**GG: Oh, that's fine!**

**GG: I had been meaning to message you sooner actually, but I suppose in all the hubbub today, it plumb slipped my mind.**

**GG: Which is a shocking fact on its lonesome, considering what I have to tell you!**

**GT: Egad...**

**GT: *Loosens collar a bit.***

**GG: As for this Strider business, hrmmm. He's an elusive guy Jake. You know that.**

**GG: I talked to him yesterday. That's as much help as I can be!**

**GT: Shoot.**

**GT: I really need to ask him something but hes got his blasted auto responder turned on.**

**GG: Hoo hoo.**

**GG: I love that thing. :B**

**GT: He wouldnt be pleased to hear you say that.**

**GG: What do you need with him?**

**GG: Does this have to do with your crazy pen pal project?**

**GT: It most certainly does and time is of the essence!**

**GT: Today is the day i have to finish it and send it. Not a day later!**

**GT: So you see why i am feeling really friggin discombobulated at the moment.**

**GG: Sorry, J. :(**

**GG: This would be the birthday present... for your grandmother?**

**GT: No!**

**GT: It is for your grandfather simply to be *relayed* to him by my grandmother. A joint gift to him from she and i.**

**GG: Her and me.**

**GT: What? Who and you now?**

**GG: "A joint gift from her and me." Grammar, Jake!**

**GT: Oh for frigs flipping sake jane this is no time for your prudish pedantry! Leave your bookish malarkey in a dusty old library somewhere. I have an adventure to get on with!**

**GG: So if I have this straight, the big thing hogging up your plate today is not this marvelous new game which I have invited you to play with me, but finishing a robotic rabbit to give to my dead poppop?**

**GT: Bingo. *double pistols and a wink***

**GG: You are a very strange and silly boy.**

**GT: Please jane we have addressed this.**

**GT: I am sending the gift back in time to when they are both alive and about our age.**

**GT: Or...**

**GT: Something like that. Something funny is going on here that i have not fully grappled yet but dag nab it if im not gonna see it through.**

**GG: Well,**

**GG: Godspeed, then! I do hope you can pull it off.**

**GT: Are you being fresh with me now?**

**GG: No!**

**GT: Look jane i know youve never believed me and you think everything i say is some big cockamamie goofoff but i think today of all days is when you should start taking some things more seriously.**

**GT: Especially since i have always had your back. I have always believed in you!**

**GG: Hey! I have believed in you too.**

**GG: However, believing somebody isn't the same thing as believing IN somebody.**

**GG: But that much said...**

**GG: I think that maybe I am getting ready to believe some of the wild stories I've heard?**

**GG: Or, if not believe outright, reserve judgment on, at least.**

**GT: Is that so!**

**GG: I don't know!**

**GG: I'm still not sure what to think. But what I wanted to tell you this morning was...**

**GG: I had a really wild dream last night.**

**GG: And you were in it.**

**GT: Oh my. *glasses fog up. fumbles for kerchief.***

**GG: Sh! Not like that.**

**GG: It was so real! I think we were in the game, even though we haven't started playing yet.**

**GG: I don't know what to make of it. Whether it was a vision of the future, or somewhere that exists now, or if it was just a really lucid dream due to excitement.**

**GT: What was i doing there?**

**GG: Um...**

**GG: Not a heck of a lot!**

**GG: I really want to tell you all about it, but it will take some time to explain, and we both have things to attend to.**

**GG: You with your time traveling rabbitwork, and I, my vigilant window gazing!**

**GT: Too true.**

**GT: Let us reconvene later and sort out all this shit at a leisurely pace.**

**GG: Yes, ok, good luck Jake!**

**GT: Okay you too jane! Bye!**

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Hold the phone. It was 11:10… she'd almost forgotten! One more minute until the empire's rebranding launch. She wondered if it would live up to the hype? She guessed she'd find out.

She rode out another 60 seconds and… huh? Something had happened to her baking chest. The logo had changed from a spoon to a fork. Jane wondered what else might have been affected.

She looked around and noticed that the SBURB alpha poster on her door now had a fork in the corner instead of a spoon. The fork, Jane began to notice, was oddly shaped, with the outer prongs bending inward at the end.

Crockercorp was nothing if not thorough with its branding techniques. She guessed it was pretty cool? Not the most awe-inspiring logo she'd ever seen, but who was she to judge? Aside from the future owner of the company. (She made a mental note that when she turned 18 and inherited the company, she'd change it back to a spoon, she loved the spoon.)

Jane next examined her Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring Solution 50000. Sure enough, it had been affected too, along with her specibus. She tried the broken switch on it again. Hey look, it did something now, toggling her trusty bowlbuster between a stirring solution and a poking solution. Neat! She toggled back and forth a bit. Spoonkind. Forkkind. Spoonkind. Forkkind. Sp… ok, that's enough. Time to get back to the window.

Nope, still no news from the swingy dealy. She surely would have heard the truck pull up. She guessed the empire hadn't been able to coordinate the mail with its rebranding. Maybe the U.S. Postal Service was the one thing it didn't have its gnarled claws in yet? (Another mental note: sink gnarled claws into postal office when she took over.)

She decided to pass the time by rummaging through her baking chest and… hang on. Maybe later. She hopped on her computer and answered the cheerful **UU**.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 11:17 **

**UU: good morning, lovely. ^u^**

**GG: Why, hellooooooo.**

**UU: so i gUess today is finally the day yoU make everything better.**

**GG: :B!**

**UU: it is the day whereafter the legendary octet of mUtUal progenitoriety will come together and heal a great breach in paradox space.**

**UU: a day delivered throUgh eighty billion years and foUr distinct Universal instances worth of Unfathomable tUrbUlence.**

**UU: and while the emerald eye of this storm is fixed in the abyss forever**

**UU: today yoU are poised to escape its scowl once and for all.**

**UU: by skaias gUiding light, yoU may leave behind its tUrning arms of bright coloUrs and mayhem, and secUre peace for yoUr cosmic progeny for all dUration.**

**UU: and if yoU are to meet this departUre with trepidation i woUld Understand! bUt also i woUld ask**

**UU: is there nothing i can do to ease yoUr mind?**

**GG: Gosh! So formal today.**

**UU: yes. u_u;**

**UU: i'm afraid i am gUilty of rehearsing this pep talk well in advance.**

**UU: i thoUght yoU deserved a proper sendoff.**

**GG: D'aww.**

**UU: well then?**

**UU: is there nothing i can do?**

**UU: it was a serioUs qUestion. :u**

**GG: You needn't worry about easing my nerves.**

**GG: If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be nearly as thrilled about today as I am!**

**UU: splendid! ^u^**

**UU: bUt remember i will be here to help, whilst refraining from caUsal spoilers to the best of my ability.**

**GG: That is reassuring!**

**UU: have yoU corresponded with yoUr first designated co-player yet?**

**GG: No, I haven't seen her online yet today.**

**GG: I'm really hoping Lalonde won't flake out on me this time. Have you heard from her?**

**UU: not the today that is local to yoU.**

**UU: thoUgh i do have a wee bit more troUble monitoring her than the rest of yoU. cUrioUs dark patches in transmission, hUmph.**

**UU: still, i woUldn't fret over it. she is as good a chUm as any yoU have and shoUld come throUgh Ultimately, even if things seem dire.**

**GG: If you say so.**

**GG: Oh!**

**GG: I wanted to tell you, I had an amazing dream last night!**

**UU: blimey! :U**

**GG: I believe it may have been of the sort you described. A dream of awakening, presuming I haven't just flatout lost my marbles.**

**UU: indeed, im sUre it was. i knew yoU woUld wake Up soon!**

**UU: might yoU describe what yoU saw?**

**GG: I was in a bright gold city. Above was a brilliant blue sky, but the horizon was dark as night.**

**GG: Was this the place you told me about? What was it called...**

**GG: Ah, shucks, does this count as a "causal spoiler?"**

**UU: not at all! that is a simple detail aboUt the realm yoU are aboUt to explore, withoUt directly involving yoUr fUtUre decisions of conseqUence.**

**UU: the place yoU visited was called prospit. it is where i have woken Up every time i have gone to sleep for most of my life.**

**GG: I didn't see you there. At least, I don't think I did!**

**UU: no, yoU woUldnt have.**

**UU: my prospit is an alternate version from yoUrs, in a completely different session qUite far afield of yoUr reality.**

**UU: if we are ever to meet in person, it is Unlikely to be while playing oUr respective games!**

**GG: Ok then.**

**GG: I mentioned this briefly to Jake, and he didn't have much to say before we parted ways.**

**GG: I will gather that if this is all true, then it means Jake had not awoken yet?**

**UU: i think this is for yoU to determine in time. what is yoUr hUnch?**

**GG: I don't know.**

**GG: But there was one thing about the dream that was very troubling.**

**GG: I'm becoming nervous to consider what it might mean.**

**UU: Understandable. bUt it will be important to practice patience today.**

**UU: yoU have a long road ahead of yoU, and many qUestions will be answered in time.**

**UU: bUt we can talk it over later. now, we both have games to prepare for!**

**UU: i know yoU coUld never fUlly appreciate what this actUally meant, bUt i took mUch care to sync Up these conversations with yoU on the same day that i begin playing as well.**

**UU: that way, we can joUrney throUgh oUr sessions together and compare notes! :u**

**GG: Hrm. I'm still not sure I appreciate what that means, but I appreciate that a nice gesture has been made if you say so!**

**GG: I guess I should just start believing all of this now, huh? Rather than learning it to be true later and feeling the fool for all my curmudgeonly skepticism?**

**UU: ~_u**

**GG: For starters, I guess I could drop my reservations about your story?**

**UU: will yoU :U!**

**GG: I can write off much to tomfoolery as I'm no stranger to a good prank myself. But quite honestly you seem too kind for this charade. Not the type I'd expect to trot out such persistent falsehoods beyond their humorous welcome.**

**GG: So what do I know! Consarn it, maybe you are an alien girl from Uranus, and together we are about to play a game which determines the fate of existence. Sign me up!**

**UU: oh, hee hee! bUt i never claimed to be from that planet, which is only in the far reaches of yoUr solar system.**

**UU: in fact i am from mUch farther away. a different Universe altogether.**

**UU: bUt if yoU trUly mean it, thank yoU for believing me!**

**UU: now, jane my lovely, let Us prepare for this adventUre.**

**UU: remember what i said aboUt the need for patience.**

**UU: patience with yoUr friends. **

**UU: patience for yoUr growth as a hero of life.**

**UU: and patience for the coming of the other foUr of legend.**

**UU: a hero of breath and of light and of time and of space!**

**UU: and if yoU still find yoUrself in doUbt**

**UU: jUst check the inscription on that big old book downstairs.**

**UU: after all, if yoU cant trUst words written by yoUr own hand**

**UU: then what Use is trUst at all? ^u^**

**UU: kisses!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Okay, back to the chest.


	146. Book 9 Chapter 4: Flappy Swingy Doodad

Chapter 4: The Flappy Swingy Doodad

Jane returned to her baking chest, which she used mainly for storing quality pranking apparatus and a few other arms and ends.

Oh hello, Poppop. His friendly face was there to greet her every time she opened her chest. He had square glasses and a mustache over a buck-toothed mouth. He was wearing a suit with a bowtie. She would have loved to have met him. Unfortunately, his life had been cut short at the tender age of 86 in a tragic accident, coincidentally on the same day she'd been born, or so her Dad told her. Poppop Crocker had been a legendary comedian, following in the footsteps of his grandfather, who of course had been the greatest southern pranking legend of all time. One day, she hoped to follow in Poppop's too.

But then, if the whoppers she'd been told recently had any truth to them, maybe she would get to meet him after all? It seemed too good to be true. The only relationship she had ever had with him were through video footage of his vaudevillian antics on stage. Or through his role as Judge Johnny Stone on one of her favorite old sitcoms, Night Court.

Taking her eyes off of Poppop's photograph, she rummaged around her chest, which contained just her basics when it came to pranking. A few clever disguises. A name brand dunce cap. A slightly abridged edition of Sassacre's text, updated for the modern prankster, and scrubbed of a few of the more egregious julep-filled racial slurs. Several other stray books. Her company's prototypical model for the Gristwidget 12000, and of course, her super-handy unreal heiress thoughtwave Tiaratop for the young gogetting junior battermaster on the go.

Might as well get all this crap out of her and take it with her. She never knew when she might need it. She dumped the chest and shut the lid and… oh, hello there, Harry Anderson. Always a pleasure to see him there behind her baking chest.

He was also one of her idols, and as it happened, had a bit of history with her Poppop. They'd been rivals on the vaudeville comedy and magic act circuit. Eventually the less competent Anderson had been shamed out of the industry and gone on to greener pastures in the private dicking biz. He'd become one of the hardest boiled detectives on the mean streets of the Big Easy and had later made a fortune off his memoirs (ghost written by Mike Caveney).

Jane captchalogued all the stuff from her chest which was now all over the ground. Her sylladex was so great. She shuddered to remember some of the other shitty fetch modi she had struggled to use when she'd been younger, still learning the captchaloguing ropes. Fibonacci heap? Lol at the f'ing noob.

She looked at her books next. She had a cookbook, which had, of course, been made obsolete by her computerized talking bowlbuster. She wouldn't dare part with it, though. Too many wonderful memories.

There was also Anderson's aforementioned book, _Wise Guy_. His (Caveney's) stories were gripping! In a way.

And then there was a customized copy of _Pony Pals_ by Jeanne Betancourt, a gift to her on her 14th birthday from the slippery Mr. Strider. Each page contained lovingly handwritten commentary on the deeds of this intrepid young horse.

Jane checked out the gristwidget. It was a piece of junk! It just wasted her boondollars and destroyed her cool gear to produce these stupid things that look like Gushers! But unlike Gushers, which served many practical purposes like inducing vomiting and simulating the experience of eating plump insects, these things were totally useless!

Ok, she'd try it out with one of her less prized possessions just to prove how dumb it was. She'd never liked this hat much. It made her look like a gnome and basically wasn't funny at all. She popped the card in and the gristwidget indicated that it would cost 10 boondollars to convert this object into grist. That wasn't too bad, she guessed. It wasn't like the currency had much value anyway. It had been introduced as a sort of BCCorp Funbux, to be used by youngsters specifically on qualifying merch online and stuff. Brilliant business strategy, really. As heiress to the empire, Jane was naturally endowed with millions, which she had a reputation for being very generous with. She had been considering using her wealth to set up a scholarship fund to allow underprivileged kids to go to booncollege.

She pressed the button and blue grist went flying everywhere. See? Utterly pointless. She hoped Crockercorp had been going somewhere with this technology, cause if not, this product was first in line for getting the axe when she was in charge.

Jane put the highly fashionable Unreal Heiress Thoughtwave Tiaratop on her head and flipped it on. It immediately hummed to life as its blazing fast processes mingled with her thoughts. It was the most efficient computing technology in the world by far, as long as she didn't wear it for too long. But aside from a few migraines, she couldn't possibly imagine any OBEY drawbacks that CEASE REPRODUCTION could come with SUBMIT merging CONSUME her thoughts with EMBRACE YOUR CULLING experimental technology CONFORM TO SOCIAL ORDER from an STAY ASLEEP extremely powerful DIE corporation, wait what?

Jane decided to continue her vigilant window gazing. There was still no sign of the mail. Might as well keep the tiaratop on while she looked, even if it meant suffering through all these bullshit popup ads. I mean, seriously? All hail new Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, Guy Fieri? Olive Garden Feeding Chamber - dinner for two? Green Giant Broccoli &amp; Cheese Sauce? Bac-Os simulated livestock flakes? Jane was so caught up in just how bullshit the popup ads were that she didn't notice a mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the middle of nowhere.

The only reason she was keeping her tiaratop on was so that she could keep an eye out for Lalonde too. And speak of the devilfucking dickens.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 11:24**

**TG: jane**

**TG: hey**

**TG: jaaaney**

**TG: ansrew plz**

**TG: *answer**

**TG: jaaaaaaaaaane**

**GG: Omg.**

**GG: Overreact much? I kept you waiting for all of two seconds!**

**GG: Where have you been today?**

**TG: nowhere just chilling here**

**TG: when all of the sudden**

**GG: "All of a sudden."**

**TG: when all of the sudden**

**TG: it hits me**

**TG: thaf we have somethig really fuckin important to talk about**

**GG: This hit you just now? We made plans to get in touch early this morning, and I have seen neither hide nor hair of you all day.**

**TG: it hits me that**

**TG: jakes bday is coming up really soon**

**TG: just a few days before mine remembr**

**TG: or i guess it would be if it wasnt for the end of the world thats about to happen**

**GG: Oh, for Pete's sake.**

**TG: i just wanted your advice on what to get him**

**TG: something sentimental i guess? but i mean im mostly tapped out of precious heirlooms atm so idk**

**TG: but not like anything coming on too strong**

**TG: something that says**

**TG: this is totes platonic and everything**

**TG: no eyebrow raising funnybiz is goin on over here**

**TG: but still says you know**

**TG: call me**

**TG: if you wanna**

**GG: Grrr.**

**GG: Now I know you're joking around to get my goat.**

**TG: ahaha**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: the goat getting thing i mean**

**TG: but joking oh no i think not**

**TG: u dont think that if i didnt say he was off limits on account of you being my best friend**

**TG: i wouldnt be all the hell over that?**

**TG: daaaaamn**

**TG: that rugged senseof adventure**

**TG: the delightful silly vernacular thats like**

**TG: weirdly and bewitchingly not self aware**

**TG: those adorbable teeth**

**TG: swoooooooooon 3**

**GG: Nooooo, stop. :(**

**TG: well shit jane**

**TG: what am i even supposed to do**

**TG: i cant hit on anybody and appaprently i can entertain nary a frisky THOUGHT about anyboby because apparentley evrybodies OFF LIMITS!**

**TG: *buncha goddamn typos**

**TG: shit suuucks**

**TG: you dont even let me say your dad is hot even though we both know he way the fuck is i mean come one**

**TG: *one**

**TG: *on**

**GG: Yeah. Because it's weird!**

**GG: And you're drunk. :P**

**TG: correction**

**TG: drinking**

**TG: prensent tense**

**TG: grammar jane**

**GG: I don't see why you don't try to court the favor of Mr. Strider. If you ask me, he and you are perfect for each other.**

**TG: oh jane**

**TG: so naive**

**TG: soooo niaev**

**GG: Lordy.**

**GG: How can you be this fargone so early?**

**GG: It isn't even noon yet.**

**TG: you forget we live in very different time zones**

**TG: its a lot later here**

**GG: You're three hours ahead of me!**

**TG: youd would be amazed**

**TG: how much can happen**

**TG: in 3 hours**

**GG: Tsk. What would your mother have to say if she caught you?**

**TG: p sure she wouldnt give a shit**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: shes the one who stocked thegod damn liquor cabinets in the firts place**

**TG: i dont even think she ever had a drop in her life probably**

**TG: so why else is she puttin it there it was like**

**TG: a passive aggrassive dare for me**

**TG: *aggressive**

**TG: jut the sort of mind game she would play**

**GG: So even if your insane and paranoid theory happens to be true, your response is, "Screw it! Time to help myself to all this mind game booze."**

**TG: yuuuuuuuuuuuup**

**TG: pppp mcuh**

**GG: Groan. You are completely impossible like this.**

**GG: I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better!**

**GG: Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.**

**TG: watcha waiting for**

**TG: in the mail**

**TG: is something happening today or something**

**GG: &amp;%#$ !**

**GG: The alpha!**

**GG: Jeez-Louise, you are hopeless.**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: that thing**

**GG: Are you at all ready to play if it comes?**

**TG: i guess**

**TG: but**

**TG: you sure you even want to play this thing**

**TG: u know its just what the batterwitch wants you to do**

**GG: Not this again.**

**TG: if you want to go ahead and be a chump jane its ur call im just saying**

**TG: i know what a chump looks like**

**TG: and you dont look like no chump i ever saw**

**TG: if you go thru with this ill have to add your porfile to my chump roll**

**TG: which is like this real actual thing i maintain**

**TG: intsead of being a joke**

**TG: is that waht you want**

**TG: *want**

**GG: The "Batterwitch" DOES NOT EXIST!**

**GG: It is an idiotic urban legend.**

**GG: How many times have I explained this? My great, great grandmother who founded the company and is accused of holding this identity would have to be almost two hundred years old if she were still alive today. The idea is such preposterous hogwash it's hardly worth dignifying with a rational response.**

**GG: The iconic face of the company isn't even a real person! She was fabricated long ago during the company's fledgling years.**

**TG: right**

**TG: as**

**TG: you know**

**TG: an alter ego**

**TG: for somethig more sinister**

**GG: Such cuckoobird nonsense.**

**GG: In any case, I don't understand the nature of this second guessing, besides chalking it up to your unwelcome inebriation.**

**GG: We had agreed you would play with me. You sounded excited about it!**

**GG: Have you even obtained your copy yet?**

**TG: um**

**TG: heh**

**TG: yes "obtianed"**

**TG: suuure did**

**GG: Through your various technologically crypotgraphic means, I presume?**

**TG: oh you bet**

**TG: hacked the SHIT out of those TIGHT mainframes and all**

**TG: said jackpot like**

**TG: a BUNCH of times**

**TG: all those**

**TG: cyhpers and bobbytraps**

**TG: backdoor trojans and what not**

**TG: were no match**

**TG: 4 mai codez**

**TG: snicker**

**GG: :|**

**GG: I am quizzically narrowing my eyes trying to solve the joke you are attempting, assuming it even is one.**

**TG: ok jane what im saying is that**

**TG: in the parlance of baking cause i know that is what gets you off**

**TG: is that**

**TG: it was a fuckin cakewake**

**TG: **cakewalk**

**GG: Oh.**

**TG: like by wich i mean not to say hur hur im hottest shit haxxor bitch you ever knew**

**TG: as deadlay to the corporate grid ass she is beatuiful**

**TG: which i AM but**

**TG: what i mean is shit wasnt even guarded**

**TG: it was just**

**TG: some files**

**TG: that were there**

**TG: unsecured**

**TG: and i took them**

**TG: jacked them right offa that intraweb telematrice**

**TG: then applied lipstick**

**TG: femme fatale style**

**TG: and was like shit yes i ALL KINDS of know how to use my web browser to download serveral files**

**GG: Really?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: so now**

**TG: i got it**

**TG: if u really wanna play**

**TG: which you shouldnt**

**GG: Hrm. That is a bit puzzling. I thought this software was highly proprietary.**

**TG: i told you**

**TG: she wants you to play**

**TG: wants us all to**

**TG: part of her BIG PLANS**

**TG: and ur playing right into em**

**TG: like**

**TG: a**

**TG: chhhhhhhhhhhhh...**

**GG: Ump, yes, I know. You've made yourself clear.**

**GG: But what doesn't add up about your story is,**

**GG: I believe SOMEBODY doesn't want me to play.**

**GG: How else do you explain the recent attempts on my life?**

**TG: dunno**

**TG: someone out their wants the stock price to take a hit?**

**GG: "there"**

**TG: orrrr**

**TG: its just more connivings of the witch**

**GG: So this hypothetical monstrosity wants me to succeed, but also wants me to die?**

**GG: Makes a lot of sense!**

**TG: wouldnt put it past her**

**TG: makes you feel perpsecuted**

**TG: redoubles your determination to play**

**TG: u advance her plans in whatever incomprehensible way**

**TG: until suddenly you did evrything she needed you to**

**TG: at which point you become craaaaazy expendable yo**

**TG: and then**

**TG: she expends you**

**TG: like a wad of boondollars on shitty bc merch**

**GG: I see. This is sounding less like a crackpot conspiracy theory by the minute!**

**TG: w/e alls im saying is a bunch of stuff thats def true to the max**

**TG: ill send this file to you tho and what you do wiht its up to you**

**TG: so you want it now or what**

**GG: Hm. It's tempting, and I'm curious as heck to play it.**

**GG: But the mail should be coming any minute! I've waited this long for it, so I might as well use the official discs addressed to me.**

**GG: When it comes, I do hope you'll change your tune.**

**GG: Not to mention brew yourself a pot of coffee and sober your drunk butt up.**

**TG: my drunk butts tune will stay as unchanged as it will remain un not drunk**

**TG: makr my barley corerent words**

**GG: Hoo hoo! Ok, fair enough.**

**GG: But I believe that when we start playing together, you'll come around.**

**GG: Personally, I can hardly contain my excitement over it.**

**GG: If years ago someone told me, which incidentally someone DID, that today I would have an exclusive opportunity to play what is absolutely the most cutting edge immersive simulation game ever released, developed by a company which has already done so much for the advancement of humanity, I would have said, "Shucks, buster, sign me up!"**

**TG: jane**

**GG: Yes?**

**TG: jaaaane**

**GG: What!**

**TG: jane**

**TG: did u know**

**TG: that i am uttrely**

**TG: IN LOVE**

**TG: with the fact that**

**TG: i have a best friend**

**TG: who says things**

**TG: like**

**TG: shucks buster**

**GG: Shoosh you, drunky! :B**

**GG: Oh...**

**GG: Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...**

**TG: wtf**

**GG: The thing.**

**GG: The flappy thing!**


	147. Book 9 Chapter 5: The Page is Dead

Chapter 5: The Page is Dead

**GG: THE FLAPPY SWINGY DOODAD.**

**GG: THE ARM DEALIE.**

**GG: THE DEALIE, LALONDE, THE DEALIE!**

**TG: wut**

**GG: THE GODDARNED RED SWINGY FLAPPY LEVER ARM THINGAMABOB, WHATEVER IT'S CALLED.**

**GG: ON THE MAILBOX.**

**TG: breathe crocker**

**TG: slow breaths like this**

**TG: (im breathin regular fyi)**

**GG: IT'S UP.**

**GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S UP.**

**TG: i dont get a lotta mail out here and im no mail expret**

**TG: *expert**

**TG: but**

**TG: doesnt that mean not the right thing**

**TG: like ur susposed to put it up if you want something taken away not have the guy put it up if mail comes**

**TG: i think your mail man is quiet possibly a dumbass**

**GG: NO, WHO CARES ABOUT THAT! THE DEALIE, THE DEEEEEAAAALIEEEEEEE!**

**GG: IT'S UP, IT'S UP, IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE!**

**GG: AAAAAAAAAAAH!**

**TG: lma so fucking o this**

**GG: Brb.**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **ceased bothering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

Jane scampered over to the door and paused a second to think. Was her Dad still washing his car? Hopefully he was still preoccupied so she could sneak out. But it didn't hurt to be prepared for an encounter. Luckily, that was exactly what she was.

She donned a clever disguise, which consisted of her dirty fedora and a mustache. Why, was that her Dad's loving daughter, or could it be none other than Inspector Jacques Clouseau? Mr. Clouseau, what are you doing in this household? Can I bake you a cake? Please make yourself comfortable while I go about my business not being suspicious.

But wait, perhaps that was not so much the distinguished Inspector Clouseau as it was… (Jane swapped her fake mustache out for another one) The world renowned investigator Hercule Poirot, because the little curly mustache was a lot cuter. The great Poirot, in _this _house? Such an honor. I will set the kettle to boil straightaway. Who would have guessed this home would be so heavily trafficked by famous French detectives at this time of day? Oh my, the good Poirot appears to be clucking little pleasantries in his adorable French accent through the high pitched voice of an enthusiastic teen girl. I surely don't have the heart to ground this upstanding, dapper gentleman, no matter how many dastardly attempts are made on her life.

…

…

Yeah, this was a really shitty disguise. Oh well. Jane reached toward a beckoning exit knob, when suddenly THE SAME WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN REAPPROACHED NONTHREATENINGLY! Except… we've already picked both characters. Moving on here.

Suddenly, the narrative switched back to Jane! Even though it had already been focused on her previously. Hopefully her Dad was still out back washing the car. Ideally this was one of his legendary infinite car washes. What could she say? Dad fancied his automotive ablutions. While he was preoccupied, Jane should be able to sneak downstairs and grab the mail undetected. The perfect crime? You bet. She slipped the hallway Cera a furtive wink for good luck.

She examined a nearby portrait before proceeding downstairs. It was just one of her father's bland hallway douchebags. Another example of his cornball Dad tastes, which made her roll her eyes and shrug. Still, it was preferable to how it'd used to have been. Years ago, he would really work hard to mimic Jane's interests throughout the household. Gaudy paintings of sitcom legends covering the walls, hideous detective figurines littered everywhere. She thought it was better that he embrace his own interests rather than try to pander to hers. It had felt a bit forced, and her early teen years had been filled with daily rounds of familial strife. Not so much any more. Now whenever there was a father-daughter disagreement, she settled things in an adult fashion by being honest about her feelings and talking it through, and also by sneaking around the house in silly disguises.

Jane peeked into the living room. There was a familiar face there in a picture frame above the mantle. A friendly face. Old Poppop Crocker, smiling from the beyond. Her Dad sure missed him. He didn't like to talk about the day the old man had died. Some incident involving a tall bookshelf, a ladder, and a mysterious young woman in a suspicious looking hat. Jane had often fantasized about putting on her dirty fedora and her Frenchest looking mustache to go tracking down this felonious broad and bring her to justice. But her Dad always said it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.

There was a picture of some other plucky tool there next to him. She didn't know who that guy was.

Jane proceeded down the stairs. Halfway down, there was another hard-boiled Anderson. Even though her Dad wasn't overbearing with all the detective nonsense anymore, he'd decided to leave this one here for old time's sake. It brought back many memories of his very short-lived stint as a private eye. It turned out the police weren't as grateful as you'd think when ordinary citizens went around roughing up a lot of crooks.

She went over to the front door and narrowed her eyes in annoyance. She thought this would be the case. Her Dad had blocked the main entrance with the refrigerator. It looked like he was taking the grounding seriously this time.

She tried the window next. Looked like he'd padlocked that too. She'd bet boonbucks to donuts the back door was blocked too. She wasn't about to go smashing glass and making a ruckus though. She'd need a solution involving more stealth. She guessed she had a plan in mind as a last resort, but she'd rather it not come to that.

She figured a little wisdom from her elder couldn't hurt. She walked over to her stuffed grandfather by the fireplace. He had an unabridged Sassacre text under one arm. It practically went without saying that her Dad kept Poppop stuffed and mounted in front of the fireplace, as was the family tradition. Poppop had grown up with his legendary humorist grandfather stuffed in front of the fireplace, and so had his grandfather. This had been stipulated firmly in the will, at the end of a long list of joke stipulations. (Dad had known this to be a real stipulation, though.

Jane had always found it a little macabre though, trying to watch tv and eat dinner on the couch with a dead old man standing about five feet away. She'd honestly prefer he not be kept here in the living room. Sometimes she told Dad she really wanted Poppop in the attic. He said the mere fact she called him that told him she wasn't ready.

"What's that, Poppop?" She asked him. "Are you concerned that I may not be properly equipped?" She grabbed her abridged Sassacre text out of her inventory, proving to him that she indeed had no intention of leaving the house without her trusty joke book. "Yes, I am going out with this book! No, I will not get an unabridged copy! No, I will not take yours! I can hardly even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly funny book and it contains many funny jokes! Oh, will you just stop it. I am going now. Good day! **:B!**" He'd been so much easier to deal with when he'd been alive, or so her Dad had told her.

Wait. Jane suddenly remembered something her alien friend had said about the big old book downstairs, and trusting words written by her own hand. What the heck had she meant by that? She grabbed the unabridged text, ripping Poppop's arm off.

"Uh, whoops. Sorry, Poppop." She retrieved the arm. She would try to repair it later before Dad saw it and blew a gasket.

She opened the book to the first page.

Dear John,

**You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of ****Sassacre****'s time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson! **

**How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the ****Final Day** **of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your ****Father****. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready. **

**But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of ****Warring Royalty** **in a ****Timeless Expanse****. A realm of ****Agents** **and ****Exiles** **and ****Consorts** **and ****Kernelsprites****. Of toiling ****Underlings** **and slumbering ****Denizens****. A realm where four will gather, the ****Heir of Breath** **and ****Seer of Light****, the ****Knight of Time** **and ****Witch of Space****, and together they will ****Ascend****. **

**John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again! **

**Until then, John, I do hope your ****Father** **keeps you well fed!**

**With love,**

**Nanna **

**P.s. Hoo Hoo Hoo!**

Was Jane's friend suggesting that she had been the one to write this inscription? She found that idea a bit hard to swallow. Still, her friends were always babbling about time travel…

She'd always thought this inscription had been written to her Poppop from his Nanna, who had been her great great grandmother, founder of the corporation she'd inherit in a few years. The message had always been a fascinating mystery to Jane, and had probably been to him as well. From the way it was written, it seemed it had been intended for him to have received after her death. The writer talked about a journey her Poppop was supposedly meant to go on. Jane wondered if that adventure had ever taken place, or if the note had just been one last jape by an old woman from a proud family of pranksters? She went on about many fantastical sounding things he supposedly would have found on this journey, like agents, exiles, underlings, denizens, and heirs of breath, and seers of light and stuff like that. Wait… hadn't her friend mentioned those too?

In any case, this message to Poppop from his sweet old Nanna was the best evidence she had to dispute all this evil batterwitch nonsense. She clearly had cared about her grandson very much, and would never have started a company responsible for the things it was accused for, let alone be alive today to perpetrate them. But then, what if she hadn't been the one who'd written it? This thought made Jane very nervous.

She suddenly remembered her dream. What had it meant? She should talk to Jake about all this.

She plopped on the couch and donned her tiaratop.

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began bothering ****golgothasTerror [GT]** **at 11:40 **

**GG: J, how goes the bunnyquest?**

**GT: Ive barely even begun!**

**GG: Tell me about it.**

**GT: Youre off to a sluggish start then too i gather?**

**GG: Dad has the whole house in full fatherly lockdown mode. Talk about blowing a few measly "assassination attempts" way out of proportion!**

**GG: So I'm currently mulling over my next move.**

**GG: What is it that has you hamstrung? Did you ever track down the slippery Mr. Strider?**

**GT: Not exactly.**

**GT: His stupid doppelglasses have set me on a wild goose chase to go pry his dumb robots chest open and swipe its uranium.**

**GG: Sounds dangerous!**

**GT: No shit.**

**GT: I think id rather deal with the monsters.**

**GG: Why is it that our two best friends in the world always seem to place themselves at the source of all our problems, while simultaneously presenting their only solutions?**

**GT: I know right?**

**GG: I'm debating whether or not to enlist his help in the matter of my current imprisonment. But I'd rather keep it as a plan of last resort.**

**GT: Dont do it jane its a trap!**

**GG: We'll see.**

**GG: So I take it you're out and about now?**

**GT: Hell no. I spent so much time haggling with those confounded shades im only leaving my room just now.**

**GG: Right. Well, not to keep you too long, since we both still have our missions ahead of us, but I wanted to tell you about that dream I had.**

**GT: Oh yeah!**

**GT: I was curious about that. Tell me everything and make it snappy!**

**GT: *Whips up bucket of freshly popped corn.***

**GG: Hoo. :B**

**GG: Ok, but, I should say that the nature of the dream was a bit worrisome.**

**GG: And I'm concerned it may have implications for the game we're about to play.**

**GG: So it's probably best that I tell you about it before you leave.**

**GT: Well shoot.**

**GT: Ok then lay it on me jane.**

Jane floated in the sky above Prospit's moon.

**GG: I woke up on the planet which we have been told about by our mutual acquaintance.**

**GG: The one covered in golden cities. Prospit, remember?**

**GT: Oh. Wouldnt it be prospits moon?**

**GG: Yes, you're right. It was the moon, actually. I could see the planet on the dark horizon.**

**GG: I was dressed in a golden dress, like a sort of nightgown, and I could fly. I left my bedroom, which was at the top of a tall tower. Surrounding me were the gold cities, just as described.**

**GG: Behind the skyline was darkness. But just above was a bright blue sky and puffy white clouds.**

**GT: That was skaia!**

**GG: Yes, probably.**

**GG: Are you sure you haven't woken up there before?**

**GT: Haha i WISH.**

**GT: I have received reports from jade about this as well. She liked to talk about her dreams on prospits moon a lot.**

**GG: I see. The impression I have developed is that this is supposed to be a real place, and all who dream there have shared experiences.**

**GG: Did Jade ever mention seeing us there?**

**GT: No but why would she? This was long before we were born! She was dreaming there like a hundred years ago or something.**

**GG: Hrmm. Anyway…**

She began to float down towards the surface. There were a good deal of white carapacians around, but they all seemed to be in the same general area. And for some reason, they all seemed sad.

**GG: I explored the moon, and began to notice people gathering in the streets.**

**GG: But they weren't human. They were funny looking, perfectly white creatures.**

**GT: Yeah those are prospitians.**

**GT: They have these hard carapace shells and also have something to do with chess i think?**

**GG: Well, I don't know if they had much to do with chess here.**

**GG: The more closely I observed, the more they appeared somewhat despondent.**

**GT: Like...**

**GT: Sad?**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: I determined they were in mourning, actually.**

**GT: Hey.**

**GT: Jane you said i was in this dream. Where do i come in?**

**GG: Shoosh! I'm getting there.**

**GG: More and more Prospitians were filing out of the buildings every moment.**

**GG: They all began to form a single, major procession.**

**GG: When I got closer, I could see that some were in tears.**

**GG: I realized this was a funeral.**

She floated down amidst the teary procession and looked around in confusion.

**GG: I heard whispers, but couldn't make out what they were saying, so I got closer.**

**GG: They were all saying the same thing, over and over.**

There was a large crowd of Prospitians marching down one of the streets. They were murmuring something very quietly. Jane listened in carefully.

**GG: "The Page is dead."**

**GG: "Our hope is lost."**

Jane landed on a wall in the midst of the funeral march. Just ahead, a few of the carapacians were holding a long golden coffin, surrounded by flowers.

**GT: The page?**

**GT: Whos that?**

Curious, Jane got closer to the coffin and peered inside. She did a double take when she saw who was lying inside.

**GG: Jake.**

**GG: The Page was you.**


	148. Book 9 Chapter 6: Lalonde

Chapter 6: Lalonde

**GT: Oh.**

**GT: Drat.**

**GT: Are you sure?**

**GG: Yes, I saw your body lying in a sort of coffin, on a bed of flowers. You were dead as a doornail.**

**GG: Everyone was so distraught!**

**GG: Including me. :(**

**GG: But before I could get too horribly upset, let alone make sense of any of it, I woke up.**

**GG: I of course immediately wanted to tell you all about, but it was still well before sunrise for you, and you were surely still asleep.**

**GG: Then as the day went on I guess I became distracted by other things. You know how it is.**

**GG: I hope I'm not too late to "warn" you, though to be frank I don't have the foggiest clue what it is I'm warning you about.**

**GG: "Dear Jake, oh please do try not to... have already... died in my dream? Likely while you were sleeping, perhaps peacefully?"**

**GT: Haha yeah. I see your point.**

**GG: Still, I think you'll agree that it's to be viewed as a troubling omen.**

**GG: I care very much for you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you both in my dreams, **_**and**_ **here in this world.**

**GG: So for whatever good it does, just please be extra careful out there today!**

**GT: Roger that janey!**

**GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot...**

**GT: Because well i sure do care a lot about you too you know that.**

**GG: Hooray! Will do. ;B**

**GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker.**

**GT: Booyeah!**

**GT: Ok good luck jane and keep me posted! C ya.**

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Jake decided it was time to get this silly old adventure of to the races. He left his tower via a short hallway and proceeded into the pumpkin patch outside. He lived in the middle of the woods.

He examined the pumpkin patch. Although these pumpkin vines were amazingly prolific, every morning when he left his bedroom, he'd swear half the pumpkins had vanished overnight. It was probably just the fauna eating them. Not that it mattered, because they kept growing right back.

The patch hadn't always been overgrown like this. When he'd first discovered the Transmaterializer, he'd started messing around with it haphazardly. He'd kept appearified pumpkins from somewhere. It had just been pumpkin after pumpkin after pumpkin, until one time a copy of the bunny he'd inherited from Grandma had showed up, much less old and tattered, of course. All that fooling around had been before he'd realized how precious its fuel would be. Such a waste of good uranium.

Jake had brought all the surplus pumpkins home and left them lying about. Then the seeds had sprouted and started growing out of control. He guessed that was what happened when he introduced non-indigenous flora into the wilderness.

He stood next to a pumpkin, attempting to be completely oblivious to the giant mysterious creature behind him. He successfully failed to notice it. Wait. Notice what? Jake had no idea what we were even talking about here. But it didn't matter for now because suddenly a wild chum assailed him with banter!

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]** **at 6:53 **

**TG: holy shit jaaaje**

**TG: lol *k**

**GT: Heh heh.**

**GT: Howdy!**

**GT: What is all this commotion about?**

**TG: nothin**

**TG: just your basic run o the mill holy shit**

**TG: and also**

**TG: hi**

**GT: Ah ok then. Hello it is!**

**TG: also**

**TG: want 2 know**

**TG: what do you want for ur wigglin day**

**GT: Im not really abreast of the raddest jargon that the cool kids toss about these days.**

**GT: Maybe because i live alone on an island? I dont know but in any case are you referring to my upcoming birthday?**

**TG: ys**

**GT: I see. Very thoughtful of you to consider so early!**

**GT: I dont wager i could advise with much specificity but i can all but assure you i will find any gesture of yours to be totally capital!**

**TG: eeaauuuuurghh you are so fuckin adorable**

**GT: Um... *wrings at kerchief with perspiring mitts***

**TG: YOINK nabs kerfief an stops RPing for rest of chat**

**TG: i was only bringing it up so much in advance because**

**TG: of the end of the world about to happen and all**

**TG: and then**

**TG: i wouldnt get the chance**

**TG: unless we play this game like a bunch ofsuckers obviously**

**TG: and all meet up in there and everything**

**TG: which would toytes kick ass**

**TG: *totes**

**TG: but**

**TG: if you want 2 know what i think...**

**GT: Yes?**

**TG: do ya?**

**GT: I do want to know what you think!**

**GT: I always want to know. Because you are always smart and sassy.**

**TG: best dude ^^^**

**TG: neway**

**TG: i really dont think we should**

**GT: Should what now?**

**TG: play the game**

**GT: Why not?**

**TG: the barnoness wants us to**

**TG: * baroness**

**TG: i dont know why**

**TG: everything i know about it says it should be a good game and real important and itll let us all get togehter and do somethin great and be besf friends for maybe eternity?**

**TG: but she took all that and twisted it somehow**

**TG: all i know is shes banking on us doing this and if she needs us to do this than its got to be to make somethin fucking hoorible happen**

**TG: * horbible**

**TG: * whore bible**

**TG: ^ bullseye**

**GT: Well...**

**GT: Whore bibles notwithstanding i have it on terrific authority that playing this game will be incredibly important!**

**GT: So perhaps youre right maybe we are part of her evil plan? But does that also necessarily rule out that good will come of it?**

**TG: i guess not**

**TG: i just have a bad feelin**

**TG: maybay im just like this nutty ass bitsh twirling yarn from a shitwizards nappy brown beard but i cant bring myself to trust a cake sellin genocidal alien overlard sea queen**

**TG: * overl...**

**TG: n/m that santence chx out**

**GT: Agreed. :D**

**TG: so what is the itinerary again**

**GT: Intinerwhosit?**

**TG: regarding the game**

**TG: whosplaying in what order etc**

**GT: Oh. Is there such an itinerary?**

**TG: yeah i think so i think its going like**

**TG: i start with jane and bring her in the session**

**TG: then ds brings me in and you bring him in and them jane does you and closes the loop**

**GT: Where are you getting this intel? Did you guys make a plan or something?**

**TG: nah dont wory about it**

**TG: do you want me to set u up w the files now**

**GT: Ooh, these illicit hacked warez which i heartell were recently jimmied piping hot off the interclouds?**

**TG: ahahah i love that you were barely even joking with that statement bup yeah basically**

**GT: The silicon pickpocket strikes again! Whom is the wiser? Nobody.**

**TG: ffffffffff 3**

**TG: k ill send it but**

**GT: Yeah?**

**TG: jake**

**GT: What?**

**TG: jjjjjaaake**

**GT: !?**

**TG: youre wearin one of ur dumb computers now arent you**

**GT: Uh...**

**TG: you are all thinktyping at me right now while wearing something rudiculous**

**TG: * RUDEdiculous (hi five 2 self)**

**GT: Hogswallop! Why would you even think that?**

**GT: Thats so stupid.**

**TG: im not letting either of you run this file on your shitty brainwashy propaganda helmets or anything else u got to wear to run**

**TG: tis my one condition**

**GT: Fair enough. When i get back from my errand ill situate myself at the trusty old husktop. Acceptable?**

**TG: ys**

**GT: Then you have decided to play in spite of your reservations?**

**TG: i dunno i guess**

**GT: Bravo!**

**TG: dont all bravo me man youre just bravoing a big ass shrug**

**TG: i mean maybe**

**TG: i have every reason to want to play it**

**TG: im actually dying to play it ok**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: you believe me right**

**TG: about the bad shit that could hapen**

**GT: Of course i do.**

**GT: What sort of friend would i be if not?**

**TG: ok well**

**TG: dont say that to jabe**

**TG: *n**

**GT: She has her ways. I believe they are not incongruous with those of an intelligent and discerning young woman.**

**TG: ahh CHRIST waht a geneltman**

**TG: *fixfix**

**TG: i mean god daaaaaaaaamn**

**GT: Heh. I guess.**

**TG: but thats the thing with you**

**TG: you belvieve in people and also the things they tell you**

**TG: jane never believed my crap**

**TG: never any of my warnings about the baroness**

**TG: didnt believe any of the stuff about my mom**

**TG: and so on and so on and soon**

**TG: til after awhile i just stopped even trying to convince her hard or bring up any crazy shit**

**TG: because u know doing a lot of songs and dances to convince somebody who thinks youre jush shitting them all the time kind of wears on a friendship**

**TG: and who even needs that**

**TG: but you believe in stuff**

**TG: probbly because the more crazy fake shit you believe in the more open the world gets and the more chance there is for adventures being real right**

**GT: Right o! If a man believes hard enough in imaginary things then i dare say that makes them slightly less fake!**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: exaxly what im talkin about**

**TG: *exsexily *wonk**

**TG: *wink**

**TG: its one of those things jane likes about u so much**

**GT: It is?**

**TG: which**

**TG: errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr im not supposed to talk about 2 u evr so nm**

**GT: Talk about what?**

**TG: nope**

**GT: You mean how um...**

**GT: Well a way in which i suppose...**

**TG: no nope**

**GT: Jane is prone to looking upon me with what i fathom to be more than just friendly affection?**

**TG: nope nope nope nope nope nope**

**TG: hey look who didnt say nothin about that why it is this silly fuckin drunk girl over here**

**GT: Its a tricky issue. And you know i adore jane and please dont think i havent given some thought to...**

**GT: Well that angle on our relationship i guess.**

**TG: ooof jake jake no please**

**TG: this is a conversation that cant happen cause i started it and i blew it by saying stuff so u have to foroget it**

**TG: * 4get it**

**GT: Oh. Yeah i can see the dilemma this causes for your friendship with her.**

**GT: Ill drop it.**

**TG: whew**

**TG: ok ont this topic**

**TG: i am now an forever**

**TG: miss zupperlips**

**TG: * zupperlups**

**TG: * ziperlups**

**TG: sjkhfskjf**

**TG: * MISS ZUIPPERPIPS**

**TG: fuck**

**TG: k this is me 4 futref**

**TG: ZIIIIIIIP**

**TG: ^+++++++^**

**GT: Haha oh my.**

**GT: Nothing is escaping that lovely ladys whistlemaker! Its shut tight as a drum!**

**TG: mmmmrrmmmnnmmm**

**GT: Whoa wait i hope that didnt sound dirty...**

**TG: mrrmmrmmnnnmnmnmnmrnrmrnmmmm!**

**GT: Ok but may i say this?**

**TG: mrm?**

**GT: If in the future i would like to bring up certain topics completely unsolicited by one who may be sworn to secrecy on those very matters...**

**GT: And im in need of i guess neutral and totally non compromising advice from a friend do you think that miss zuipperpips might unseal those scandalous metal choppers for a bit?**

**GT: Fuck that also sounded kinda dirty! God dammit.**

**TG: rm**

**TG: unzip yeah of course**

**TG: im totals your bee eff effsy jake**

**TG: i am like**

**TG: AT PEACE with that reality fromerly known as a raw fuckin deal for what avenues it closes betewen u and i that bein your bffsy has got to mean but yeah**

**GT: Wait what?**

**TG: i am just chill as fuck about being a pale friend to all varieties of cute and eligible as hell peeps**

**TG: do you see my shoulder and how it says hey friend plz deposit tears here?**

**TG: that is a LEGIT invite and is like sincere as fuckin BANANAS**

**GT: Oh. Im sure it is but i dunno how much crying im going to be doing...**

**GT: Probably none i think.**

**TG: no i know im just saying**

**TG: that**

**TG: ok im now spinning my wheels like a motherfucker but yeah the answer is yes**

**GT: Great!**

**TG: and not that im back pebbling but what about your best bro**

**TG: dont you get 2 talkin to him about girl troubles ever**

**GT: Yeaaaah...**

**GT: Well.**

**GT: Like i said the whole thing is complicated. Best not to get into it all until im ready to you know...**

**GT: Really start manhandling these bushel loads of prickly pears.**

**TG: prinkly pears**

**GT: The pears being the tricky subjects in question.**

**GT: Metaphorically.**

**TG: riiiight**

**TG: snickrz**

**TG: poor jake**

**TG: up to his neck in**

**TG: all the wopes**

**TG: * woes**

**GT: Nah its cool.**

**TG: speaking of which**

**TG: i heard hes making u track down his roboself**

**TG: to kill it or something for uranimum**

**GT: Sigh...**

**TG: and**

**TG: the AR disabled the novice setting?**

**GT: Yes.**

**TG: hahahahahahhahahahshshshjsjsj**

**TG: *hahaha**

**TG: u r so fucked**

**GT: Oh most certainly.**

**GT: I was actually just getting all of my final affairs in order when you messaged me.**

**GT: I was to bequeath to you all my WAB posters.**

**TG: wab wut**

**GT: Weekend at bernies dammit!**

**TG: oh fuck yeay**

**TG: im always in need of something to put under my cats shit box**

**GT: :(**

**TG: ok tell you what**

**TG: as an early wigglin day thing u know what ill do**

**GT: I still dont really get the wiggling thing but no what?**

**TG: ill enable the brobots novice setting again for you**

**GT: Wow...**

**GT: Thanks i think?**

**TG: but that dont count as the whole thing ill think of something better too**

**TG: 4 now peace o jake &amp; gl on your robroquest heheheh**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

Jake unholstered his guns. It was time to get dead serious about hunting down a robot that looked exactly like his best friend, destroy it with his guns somehow, and steal its uranimum. (*uranium)

But then the thing behind him that he'd been totally oblivious to started grumbling. He'd totally forgotten about the frightening fauna on this island, and its regrettable realness attribute.

Jake turned around to see a giant white crab creature with pincer arms and four eyes. He leapt into the tropical island fray in an attempt to violently pacify the gigantic Earth crabdad. What was he even doing here? The question didn't even occur to him. The island had been crawling with these things for as long as he could remember.

You hop online and direct your browser to the Homestuck bandcamp page in order to find suitable battle music. Oh god, there are so many songs! Which one would be the best fit for this duel? Oh wait, there's one. You relax, lean back, and become lost in visions of gnashing crustacean carapace, smoking M9 casings, and Jake doing that thing where he flies through the air shooting two guns at once. Yes, so awesome.

Jake did the thing where he flew through the air shooting two guns at once. That thing wasn't even that big a deal for him. He did that thing practically every day on hellmurder island. His furious salvo of deadly bullets scared the frightening fauna off into the jungle, realness attribute and all.

Another triumph for adventure! Time to blow the smoke off his berettas and saunter off into the… woah! Not so fast! Behind you, Jake! He spun around and let loose a bullet.

"Ah ha! I got you, you son of a, shit, wait…"

Oh no! It'd only been one of those sweet little fairy bulls. Jake had just murdered him inappropriately with his multi-bullet device. He loved those little fairy bulls. He felt just awful.

Behind Jake, a pair of red shades gleamed in the darkness. They belonged to a robot with a symbol of a blue hat on its shirt.


	149. Book 9 Chapter 7: The Bunny

Chapter 7: The Bunny

Jane had waited around long enough. Dad's legendary car wash wasn't going to last forever, and the day wasn't getting any younger. She packed up Poppop's book and busted out her trusty homing device, which had an image of a pair of glasses on it and a button shaped like a pawprint.

"Here goes nothing," she said, and pushed the button.

Poppop's stuffed head jiggled in place and then it popped off entirely and a katana sliced through the taxidermied man's stuffing. A robotic bunny head peeked out of Poppop's head hole. He wore red triangular glasses and had a blue hat painted on his gray robotic chest. God he was such a little troublemaker. Hopefully he'd mind his manners today.

Elsewhere, a ruined house sat atop a mountain. There remained a door with a symbol of an atom on it. A set of steps wound its way down the cliff face.

The mountain sat amidst a densely populated forest. Nearby there was a volcano and a temple in the middle of a pond with a frog on top. Surrounding the temple were eight tall pillars, also half-submerged.

Jake left the forest and emerged in the fields near his house. He beheld the zoological splendor of some beautiful large white musclebeasts. It looked like the centaur herd was out in full force today. He had to be careful about walking under them. There were extreme hazards involved, such as the threat of falling manure or milk. Jake examined the frog temple. There were the ruins he'd be making his way towards once he'd gotten his uranium. Still needed to locate that enigmatic brobot. He was out there, somewhere. Just watching. He could feel it. He couldn't let his guard down for a second, or he'd get served like a dude on butler island.

Jake looked down into the lake. Uh oh. Something was coming up. Two white horns rose out of the frothy lake and a large horse creature began to emerge. Not the encounter he'd been hoping for today. These things didn't back down.

Poor Poppop's head had been nicked by the fireplace poker. He was going to need a lot of work this time. Over the years, Jane's Dad had spent thousands of dollars in repairs. Oh well, how much more grounded could she get than she already was? She stuck a poker down his neck hole and jammed his head back on the spike as a temporary measure. That looked somewhat more respectable, she guessed. Looked like the troublemaker's father was calling now.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 12:01 **

**TT: Why have you activated dear, sweet Huggy Bear.**

**TT: Are you in danger?**

**GG: Oh, no.**

**GG: I'm just trying to leave my house!**

**GG: Is this the real you, btw?**

**TT: Yeah, it's me.**

**TT: I disabled the AR for now.**

**GG: Ok. Just making sure!**

**GG: Jake was having some issues with it earlier, and I don't think he received its obfuscating tendencies in the humorous spirit intended.**

**TT: Yes, I'm catching up with the situation now.**

**GG: Oh, so you're talking to Jake then?**

**TT: Nah. Just reading their chat logs.**

**TT: Man, what the fuck?**

**TT: I can't leave these two alone for a minute. Can a guy get his ablutions on in fucking peace?**

**GG: :B**

**GG: Was it that bad?**

**TT: Not really.**

**TT: The responder doesn't much distort my position on things usually.**

**TT: Its demeanor leaves something desired though. I'd prefer it didn't make such aggressive and repeated claims of fidelity to my persona.**

**TT: Be misrepresentin' hells of key subtleties, yo.**

**GG: Why not just turn it off then?**

**TT: Keeps them both on their toes.**

**GG: Who?**

**TT: Jake and the responder.**

**TT: Jake needs to be more skeptical. Rather than take a Pollyanna jackknife ass-first off whatever turnip truck is blowing through town that day, he's got to apply more critical reasoning to shit.**

**TT: I keep telling him.**

**TT: I keep telling him, dude, you got to be more like Jane.**

**GG: These lectures I presume are roughly similar in complexion to those I'm familiar with?**

**GG: Those wherein I have, and I quote, "got to be more like Jake?"**

**TT: Yes, exactly.**

**TT: You're finally fucking getting it.**

**GG: I sincerely doubt that I am!**

**TT: Said the stubborn skeptic, skeptically.**

**GG: Let's not talk about my "issues" again, shalln't we?**

**TT: Shalln't?**

**TT: That ain't a thing to say, even for you.**

**GG: Shush!**

**GG: The word shalln't escape my vocabulary any longer, just as you SHALLN'T nitpick my language! That's my turf you're on, buster.**

**TT: Alright. Kinda don't care.**

**GG: What were you saying?**

**TT: About what? Jake?**

**GG: About leaving the responder on!**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: Anyway, I kind of owe it to him to let the program run as often as possible.**

**GG: Jake?**

**TT: No.**

**TT: The responder.**

**TT: It is a fully cognitive, self-aware entity I am responsible for, not even to mention an approximate cerebral duplicate of myself.**

**TT: You don't just make a clone of yourself to live in a dead end existence where it has no chance to thrive as an individual or surpass its limitations.**

**TT: That'd be sick.**

**GG: True.**

**TT: Also.**

**TT: The more the software runs, the broader and more detailed its experiential canopy becomes. Makes for a better dialogic partner.**

**GG: Dialogic?**

**GG: Are you saying you have conversations with your own auto-responder?**

**TT: Of course.**

**TT: Why do you think I made the thing?**

**GG: Hrm, that's interesting.**

**GG: I guess I always thought it was just a really elaborate gag!**

**TT: It's that too.**

Huggy Bear lifted a picture of a fatherly pipe off the wall and chucked it against the ground.

**GG: Sometimes your sense of humor seems more impenetrably advanced than your robotics. I'll never understand this tapestry of irony you weave.**

**GG: Maybe I'm just stuck in the dark ages of pranksterism with my funny mustaches corny old joke book.**

**TT: Yes, you are. But that's fine. **

**TT: We come from different traditions. Someone needs to keep that racist southern asshole's legacy alive. **

**TT: There's dignity in taking up the work of our familial predecessors, even if what they did was insanely fucking stupid. **

**GG: Is that a note of bitterness directed at your superstar brother I am detecting?**

**TT: No way. He's awesome. **

**TT: I've told you, I don't begrudge any of his success. **

**TT: I've also told you he isn't my real bro even though I call him that. We're related through an esoteric process of genetic reamalgamation. **

**GG: Oh lordy. Yes, yes, I know. I don't need another ironic lesson in science fiction!**

**TT: Alright. My lessons are rad as fuck, but suit yourself. **

**TT: The point is, obviously his satirical methods have flaws, and whatever tempered brand of hero worship I might be practicing isn't keeping me from seeing that. **

**GG: Flaws? Talk about understatement. Those movies are unwatchable.**

**GG: Unless your name is Jake English.**

**TT: Yes, spectacularly so. But they will have profound historical significance. Mark my words. **

**TT: And flaws aside, it's a legacy I'm proud to inherit. My duty isn't to appropriate his methods with absolute loyalty, but to apply reason and improve upon them. To leave my own mark. **

**TT: To perfect the art of irony. **

**TT: It's just like what you're doing with the work of your ancestor. You are striving to perfect his hokey vaudeville bullshit, or something. **

**TT: You seek the Zen of a pie to the face. The Tao of falling the fuck down. **

**GG: Ermm...**

**GG: If you say so!**

**GG: I dunno. Call me a simpleton, but I just like funny jokes.**

**TT: Can't fool me. You take your shit as serious as I do. **

**TT: And if I wasn't serious about it, I wouldn't have made you that rabbit. Then where the hell would you be?**

Strider looked up at the sky, through which a bunch of seagulls along with a random arm sticking out of a blue portal were flying. What appeared to be a star gleamed in the distance although it was still daytime.

**GG: Well, aside from thousands of dollars in corpse-repair richer, I can't say.**

**TT: Has he been sleeping in the old man hollow again? Shit, that's adorable. **

**GG: I can think of cuter places for him to sleep, frankly!**

**TT: Yeah, bullshit. **

**TT: He's just being instinctive. In the wild, he would gut a carcass and sleep inside for warmth, as well as to secure tactical advantage for ambushing would-be scavengers. **

**GG: Oh, please.**

**GG: Anyway, property damage and desecration to cherished elders aside, Mr. Bear has been a lovely addition to the family.**

**TT: You haven't renamed him yet? **

**GG: Oh... no.**

**GG: I keep forgetting I'm supposed to!**

**TT: You've got to fucking rename him. Or change him to a girl if you want. That was important. **

**TT: When pets change owners they get new names. Fact. **

**GG: Sorry.**

**GG: I will name him right now!**

**GG: How about Lil' Sebastian?**

**TT: Fuck if that isn't the best name a thing could get. **

**GG: Yeah!**

**GG: So then, are you saying Mr. Sebastian here was an ironic present?**

**GG: Relayed strictly for guffaws? :B**

**TT: Yes, but it's not that simple. There were many layers involved. **

**TT: Some of them are literal layers, of metal and plush. **

**GG: Huh?**

**TT: There's a real stuffed rabbit beneath its exoskeleton. **

**GG: What! Really? :O**

**TT: Yeah. **

**TT: It belonged to my bro. **

**GG: I thought you said you didn't have such an heirloom to complete the plushie trifecta?**

**TT: I didn't. He didn't give it to me, and never intended to bequeath it. **

**TT: I stole it. **

**GG: Ooh. Risky!**

**TT: Nah. I got a little help from RL and ganked it out of his museum. **

**TT: It's this whole "priceless" collection of stupid shit from movies, defended like Fort Knox. Ironically of course. **

**GG: So it's from a movie?**

**TT: Ever hear of Con Air? **

**GG: Nope.**

**GG: Wait...**

**GG: Wasn't that some bit of action schlock from the 90's?**

**TT: Yes. **

**GG: Some of the silly nonsense referenced in his work was well before my time. I don't have the wherewithal to investigate all this minutia.**

**TT: Yeah, it doesn't matter really. But it was from that. Dude weirdly obsessed over that shit movie for years, among others. **

**TT: Know those signature shades you see him wearing on magazine covers and stuff? Another prop. A gift from Stiller himself, I believe. **

**GG: That does sound a tad obsessive. Wasn't he furious about your burglary?**

**TT: Pretty sure he didn't even notice. In years since, I never saw a news story about a "daring heist" or anything. I feel like he would have made some hay outta that. **

**TT: And if he did know, he'd probably just want to give me a stoic fist bump or something. **

**GG: Why didn't you mention this when you gave the gift? More irony?**

**TT: Essentially. It's not that easy to explain. **

**TT: Broadcasting the gesture would have made it seem tawdry, and would somewhat defray its humor value. **

**GG: I see. So it was like a private joke, and if anyone besides you was in on it, the joke would be ruined!**

**TT: Like I said, there are layers. **

**TT: On one level, I gave you a filthy tattered piece of shit, albeit of tremendous cultural significance, manhandled by some old B movie actors, now candy coated to function as a highly practical defender droid for your personal protection. **

**TT: On another level, I needed to incorporate something passable as a real heirloom. **

**TT: For sentimental reasons. **

**GG: D'awwwww.**

**GG: Wait, real sentiment, or ironic sentiment?**

**GG: Or is there no difference? Am I missing the point here?**

**TT: No, it was genuine. **

**TT: The upper echelons of irony should always include measures of sincerity. And if the satirical practice is executed faithfully it will achieve something bona fide in its own right regardless. **

**TT: Through an intense commitment bordering on religious devotion to the absolutely inane, absurd, or plain fucking stupid, a very different kind of sincerity begins to materialize. One of reverence to the ridiculous. You begin to "mean it," but what exactly it is you mean is never quite what appears on the surface, and is utterly inaccessible to obtuse and literal minds. That you "mean it" then becomes inseparable from the joke, and additional rich strata of humor may be stripped aggressively from this irreconcilable truth. **

**GG: This is fascinating, if a wee bit more dissertation than I bargained for this morning.**

**GG: I have so much to learn. And I am not even saying that "ironically!"**

**GG: Will you teach me your ways one day, sir? Perhaps an apprenticeship will open?**

**TT: Oh god, I'd love that. **

**TT: Consider the position yours for the taking any time. Feel free to approach and kneel before Cal. With my sword and his floppy mitten, you will receive my flashstep anointment shoulder to shoulder, and to shoulder again.**

Lil' Sebastian slashed a lamp in half with its sword. Jane winced.

**GG: Tempting, but that rain check will have to stay unendorsed for now.**

**GG: Lil' Seb is beginning to act out, and I must put his fidgetiness to constructive use!**

**TT: Cool.**

**TT: Jane, one more thing.**

**TT: I'm sure you must be aware by now that you'll be the leader of our group, as you will be the first to enter the session.**

**GG: Um, no?**

**GG: This is news to me. I never gathered that "team leader" was a thing for this game.**

**TT: Trust me. It's a thing.**

**GG: Are you sure? I have my doubts.**

**GG: I believe as a group we will have the temerity to succeed, without my having to order people around like an insufferable bossypants.**

**TT: That's why you're our leader, Jane.**

**GG: Hm?**

**TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is an affect not everyone is plucky enough to be graced with.**

**GG: That's stupid!**

**TT: Yeah yeah. I know.**

**TT: You're not our leader, you're our FRIEND, right?**

**GG: Precisely!**

**GG: There is a BIG difference!**

**TT: And statements like that are also why you're our leader.**

**TT: But only in name and in spirit. Less so, functionally.**

**TT: If it puts your mind at ease, I'll be the one pulling the strings here.**

**GG: Oh yes?**

**GG: Then this whole affair will be one of D. Strider's grand productions in puppetry?**

**TT: I will be the unseen hand whose nimble digits are behind every subtle twitch in our session's bulbous foam ass.**

**TT: At least those gyrations not happening by the volition of its own quivering absorbant proboscis.**

**TT: If you ever need help, Jane. If you're ever in any trouble at all, let me know. Just say the word.**

**TT: I'll whip the toggle stick of this ludicrous marionette, cavorting its humongous bottom to intercept your freefall through the abyss.**

**TT: Snowcone you up in the fluffy crook of its cleft. Don't be alarmed if you're in no hurry to unpry yourself.**

**TT: For the great jut of this impudent rump has more yield to your touch than you ever dreamt. Remember to catch your breath as it cherishes the imprint of your hand like a memento from a lover gone to war.**

**TT: There's a lot of give to that ass, you may say.**

**TT: Might like to settle in. Make myself comfortable. Start a family.**

**TT: Bounce a coin off that ass, you'll demand of visitors. It's not going anywhere.**

**TT: Bet that coin'll take a good nap there.**

**TT: It's a gamble you win every goddamn time.**

**TT: Yeah.**

**GG: These lessons we talked about...**

**GG: They've already begun, haven't they? :o**

**TT: Jane, soon you'll believe what I've told you.**

**TT: You'll believe it all.**

**TT: It's just a shame that believing will take something so coarse as seeing, for a girl as sharp as you.**

**TT: Critical thought can lead one to accept the unlikely, just as much as dismiss the impossible.**

**TT: I can help with this too. Would you like me to program a Jane Crocker responder for you?**

**TT: I only require a simple captcha of your brain.**

**GG: Holy moly!**

**GG: Um, thank you, but no.**

**GG: I'm not ready to get dialogic with my cyberself just yet. My friends keep me busy enough as it is.**

**GG: Speaking of which, I really need to go. I know you love to talk my ear off, and it's always a treat, but let's catch up later after the game starts, ok?**

**GG: And if I do need your help, I promise I'll take you up on your offer!**

**TT: I made several. Which one?**

**GG: The one where you, hopefully not literally, offered to catch me in the crevice of a great big squishy butt! Hoo hoo hoo!**

**GG: Gtg! 3**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **ceased bothering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**


	150. Book 9 Chapter 8: EOA6A1

Chapter 8: End of Act 6 Act 1

Jane commanded dear, sweet Lil' Sebastian to put his fidgetiness to constructive use. He was eager to assist, and lifted the fridge in front of the door with ease. Taped to the underside of the appliance was a note, which the bunny removed and handed to the girl.

_DAUGHTER._

_IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE FRIDGE. YOU HAVE TRULY BECOME A MATURE, POWERFUL WOMAN. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD._

_NOW BE A GOOD GIRL, PUT THE FRIDGE DOWN, AND STAY INSIDE._

"Fat chance, Dad," Jane said quietly. "This bird's gotta fly!"

Uh oh, Lil' Seb was acting out again. His legs were getting fidgety and bothersome. She had better tell him to put the fridge down before he caused any more damage. She told him so and the bunny chucked it through the wall and outside where it landed amidst the chunks of shattered house.

"Hmm?" Jane's Dad said, peeking around the side of the house. He was washing his car with the garden hose.

Jane threw her hat down in disgust with a large "POF". She leveled up. She'd been climbing her echeladder very gradually for various minor accomplishments here and there since she was 13. That had been such a sweet textbook hat pof, it had earned her just enough to clear the next rung, Fedorafledgling. Nice going!

The well-traveled hat shared in her glorious spoils. The battle-hardened accessory reached dizzying new heights, leapfrogging from the Douchebag's Domesucker rung to the rare, highly coveted Martyr's Pisscradle rung.

Jake sprinted as fast as he could across the grass, trying to get away from the lake. The lusus chased after him. How could these things be so fast on land? It moved like some sort of giant frisky seal, that was very hungry and angry. He knew from experience that bullets only made them hungrier and angrier, so there was nothing to do but run.

Suddenly, on Jake's right, a hostile swarm of those little fairy bulls approached. They were probably pissed off about the one he'd killed earlier. They had come for revenge! They swarmed around him lovingly.

_Oh my god the humanity!_ Jake thought. _How they exact their pound of flesh! OH GOD NO OH GOD OH GOD OH GOOOAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH._

The bull fairies knocked him down in their zest and the sea goat was upon him.

"Mah," came a sound, and in the goat's eye was reflected a robot with red triangular shades rushing towards it.

Nearby, someone or something was bleating like a goat for strategic purposes. And also, ironic purposes. The robot slashed the head of the sea goat off in a big mess of purple blood.

Jane performed a lass scamper out the door. The jig was so totally up. Nothing left to do but scurry her little legs to that box, snatch the mail, and scram.

Jane's Dad saw the fridge and the broken wall. "What the…" he murmured. He stepped through the broken wall to see the mess that Lil' Seb had made. "Who did this? Jane?" He passed through the front door to see his daughter running towards the mailbox.

The wind skimmed the void. Jane reached her hand into the mailbox, where the SBURB Alpha clearly awaited her and… BOOM! The mailbox exploded violently. A leaf tumbled down from the trees above.

Jane's Dad leaped back in horror and surprise as the entire area went up in flames. "JANE!" he screamed.

A green curtain passed in front of the screen. End of Act 6 Act 1.

"One down," Robot Andrew Hussie said. "No, no, not kids! I mean these curtain dealies. I still need to set up, what, like another five of these rigs? God dammit. I hope I don't run out of green curtain cloth. Shit is expensive."

"So, uh... what about all those other kids?" the reader asked.

"Huh?" Hussie asked, confused. "Oh yeah, _those_ people. Aren't they all dead?"

"No, not quite," the reader said.

All 15 members of The Felt were dead. DD, CD, and HB were dead. The Courtyard Droll was dead. The Draconian Dignitary was dead. Doc Scratch was dead. Maplehoof the pony was dead. AR was dead. The Mayor was… probably dead. PM was still alive, though, chasing Bec Noir. WQ was dead. Bilious Slick was dead. Bec was dead. Rose's Mom and John's Dad were dead. Dave's Bro was dead. Tavros was dead. Nepeta was dead. Eridan was dead. Vriska was dead. Sollux was half-dead. Feferi was dead. Equius was dead. But Aradia, Karkat, Terezi, a Sollux, Kanaya, and Gamzee were all still alive. And all the kids! All eight of them! And Lil' Cal, kinda. Oh, and Ms. Paint. How could Hussie have forgotten about her? She was right there!

"Oh my god," Hussie said. "You're right! There are still a few characters I haven't killed off yet. I almost forgot about them. I was planning on totally messing with them in the short window of time they're in the same universe as me! Hopefully it isn't too late.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA WAIT WHY AM I EVEN LAUGHING, THIS IS A COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE REACTION. BESIDES, I AM A TIN CAN, ROBOTS DON'T HAVE FEELINGS."

Hussiebot checked the time. "Let's see. They should be travelling near the speed of light across the distance of one yard, giving them about 3 nanoseconds before the crash through the other wall. Which means I have about… HOLY SHIT I'M ALMOST OUT OF TIME TO FUCK UP THE STORY! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT NANOSECONDS COULD FLY BY SO FAST?"

He hurried over to the fenestrated walls, between which was a yellow yardstick measuring out the distance. The Prospitian ship that John and Jade were on flew between them. "Who am I kidding. Even with my super-fast robotic author avatar, I barely have time to do anything. Maybe I'll just level up these kids before they go, and that's it. They've earned it after all, don't you think?"

John produced his most spirited lad scramble yet, and hopped up to the next god tier, achieving the illustrious Revenge of Doctor Ragnarok. All of his vitals went completely bonkers. His man grit was off the charts. He was embarrassed for us to even know what it was. It was that gaudy.

Jade put forth her best lass scamper of all time, and cleared another sweet god tier, the nigh-unattainable Sayonara Kansas. Her battle stats predictably went haywire. She accrued so much youngster gumption it was practically insane. Nobody should ever mess with her. Not even me.

John and Jade reaped the spoils. They didn't get boondollars anymore. That shit was for babies now. Instead, they were finally ready to have their first achievement badges sewn on to their kiddy camper handysashes!

They each received the Gift of Gab, enabling them to engage in simple, direct dialogue with others, without requiring any gimmicks to facilitate communication. They didn't need to talk through a chat client, or talk to a sprite, or traverse through a memory in a dream bubble, or wander around in a dark abandoned castle or a laboratory or any of that stuff. Seriously, I bet no one never thought they would live to see this achievement unlocked. It almost feels like cheating. Like conversing in god mode.

What do you mean it was kind of already happening? Shut up, reader. Let's keep going. Act 6 Intermission 1. Let's check on John and Jade and Co. No, I don't know who "co" is. I guess whoever Jade took with her. Davesprite was on Skaia when she took it, right? Anyway, let's see.


	151. Book 9 Chapter 9: Three Years

Chapter 9: Three Years

The Prospitian ship flew forward into the unknown at what felt like breakneck speed.. John and Jade stood at the helm, hearts still thumping from the destruction of their universe.

**JOHN: where are we?**

**JADE: im not sure!**

**JADE: some sort of limbo dimension between the two walls i guess**

**JADE: like a realm with unusual spatial properties we have to cross through**

**JOHN: oh, ok. **

**JOHN: then... **

**JOHN: we escaped the scratch? **

**JOHN: like, we still exist and everything? **

**JADE: yes!**

**JADE: we still totally exist john**

**JOHN: ok, just making sure. **

**JOHN: i still felt pretty existy, but you never know.**

**JOHN: i'm still kinda confused though. **

**JADE: about what?**

**JOHN: i mean, we crashed through that giant window you magically made with witch powers to escape the scratch, so we can keep existing, right? **

**JADE: yes**

**JADE: i didnt make it with witch powers though, i captchalogued it hours ago because karkat told me to...**

**JADE: then at the last minute i took it out and made it huge so we could escape through it**

**JOHN: i see. **

**JOHN: did you at least make it huge with witch powers? **

**JADE: i did make it huge with witch powers!**

**JOHN: so i guess that's what witch powers do, is make things huge?**

**JADE: they also make things small**

**JOHN: right, like you did with all those planets. **

**JADE: yup**

**JADE: also**

**JADE: witch powers can teleport things, and fling things around through space at very high velocities**

**JADE: all sorts of stuff!**

**JADE: but to be honest, im not sure how much of that is attributable to inheriting becs abilities...**

**JOHN: man, spacey witch powers sound a lot more versatile than my powers, frankly. **

**JOHN: not that i'm complaining, because wind powers are still awesome. **

**JOHN: but anyway, that is neither here nor there! **

**JOHN: what i'm wondering is, once we crashed through that window, weren't we supposed to like... **

**JOHN: enter a new game session? the reset one? **

**JOHN: and meet up with karkat, and vriska, and all the trolls, and i guess maybe also a bunch of dead trolls too? like troll ghosts or such. **

**JADE: yes that was the basic idea**

**JOHN: and what about your grandson? wasn't he going to be there, from the future or something? and then he would send liv tyler to me, or actually to you i guess, into the past somehow? **

**JADE: that would be jake**

**JADE: and yeah, i do believe we will meet him in this session**

**JADE: he said he had a bunch of friends who helped him make the bunny! im pretty excited to meet them all**

**JOHN: wow... **

**JOHN: hey, i wonder what the fuck ever happened to liv anyway? **

**JOHN: last i saw her, i sent her off to give the tumor to rose and dave... **

**JOHN: oh god, rose and dave! where are they now? did one of them do the suicide mission thing? and what about the other? did they get scratch'd? **

**JADE: actually, they both went, and in a manner of speaking, their mission was a success**

**JOHN: :( **

**JOHN: so, they blew up the sun, and now they're dead? **

**JADE: nope!**

**JADE: they did not actually destroy the sun. trust me, i would know if it was gone. now that i know what i know, it was kind of silly of us to think it would ever be destroyed...**

**JADE: and as it happens, rose and dave are not dead either! i have received very reliable reports that they survived**

**JOHN: oh man, that's great! **

**JOHN: i mean, i'm not sure how not blowing up the sun qualifies as a successful mission, since that was kind of the whole idea, but at this point i don't really care. i'm just happy to hear they're ok. **

**JADE: it will all be more clear soon**

**JOHN: how do you know they're ok? or any of this stuff, really? **

**JADE: ive learned a lot in my dreams lately**

**JADE: heh, probably more than i ever learned looking at the clouds on prospit!**

**JADE: when i was dead there for a few minutes, i had one last very informative nap**

**JADE: the bottom line is, rose and dave will rendezvous with the trolls near the green sun, and then they will all meet us in the new session**

**JOHN: ok, that sounds awesome. **

**JOHN: and that was part of the plan i guess i understood, but... **

**JOHN: where is this new session? **

**JOHN: all i see here is a bunch of giant windows, and a lot of warp speed whooshy nonsense.**

**JADE: its through the other wall!**

**JOHN: you mean that one way over there? **

**JADE: yes**

**JOHN: ok... **

**JOHN: so is this place like that yellow lawn ring thing karkat was talking about? **

**JADE: no, not lawn ring!**

**JADE: thats a silly troll word**

**JADE: its the yellow yard**

**JADE: we have to cross it to break through the next wall**

**JOHN: how is this a yellow yard? **

**JOHN: that's a stupid name for this place! **

**JADE: see that long yellow band down there, stretching between the two walls?**

Jade pointed down at the yardstick that Hussie had placed.

**JADE: i think thats supposed to be the yard**

**JOHN: thats not a yard. **

**JOHN: yards are like these flat wide patches of grass, surrounded by fences and stuff. **

**JOHN: if anything, it's more like a road. **

**JADE: hmmm**

**JADE: yeah i think youre right**

**JADE: kinda like the yellow brick road?**

**JOHN: sure, why not! **

**JOHN: let's all go see a big pompous wizard to solve all of our problems. **

**JOHN: i bet rose would get a kick out of that. **

**JADE: hehe**

**JOHN: oh yeah. **

**JOHN: and another thing…**

**JOHN: what...**

**JOHN: the fuck...**

**JOHN: is that?**

Robohussie stood near the fenestrated walls. To the kids, he appeared to be a blur.

**JADE: :|**

**JADE: i have no idea**

**JADE: extra dimensional shenanigan based phenomena perhaps?**

Robohussie covered the fenestrated walls with some of the green curtain cloth. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain cloth," he said. "Or anything taking place out here in the emerald shitty paintjob, for that matter." Remember, Hussie lived in a place with everything painted green, remember? That didn't stop being a thing which was real or anything.

**JOHN: wait, what just happened?**

**JADE: i dont know!**

**JOHN: it got darker, and greener...**

**JADE: :?**

**JOHN: this place is weird. when are we gonna bust through the other window, anyway?**

**JOHN: i'm kind of antsy to get on with our adventure and meet up with everybody!**

**JADE: yes me too**

**JADE: hmmmmmm**

**JOHN: what is it?**

**JADE: im just trying to estimate our arrival time**

**JADE: based on our current velocity, which is about as close to light speed as i can make it go**

**JOHN: i see. **

**JOHN: since we are going so fast, it should be pretty soon, right?**

**JOHN: like a few more minutes? **

**JADE: hmmmmmmmmmmm...**

**JADE: no**

**JADE: itll take quite a bit longer than that**

**JOHN: ugh. **

**JOHN: how long? **

**JADE: i would say**

**JADE: if i keep our speed constant...**

**JADE: we should arrive in about three years**

**JOHN: what!**

**JOHN: that is an absolutely preposterous amount of time.**

**JADE: i know! **

**JOHN: are you sure you can't make it go any faster?**

**JOHN: i mean, not to sound too demanding, but...**

**JOHN: didn't you say you can teleport stuff?**

**JOHN: why not teleport us there?**

**JADE: i cant! **

**JADE: not here, at least **

**JOHN: oh. well that sucks.**

**JOHN: why not?**

**JADE: the way i understand it is... **

**JADE: becs powers draw from the green sun **

**JADE: and the green sun presides over our universe **

**JADE: many universes actually! and the sessions that created them, as well as the sessions created within them **

**JADE: including the trolls universe and their session **

**JADE: think of it like a giant solar system, but instead of planets revolving around the sun, there are many universes **

**JOHN: uh, ok.**

**JOHN: that sounds...**

**JOHN: big.**

**JADE: it is! **

**JADE: so, bec was able to teleport anywhere in the universe he wanted in an instant, much faster than light **

**JADE: jack was able to do this too, within our session, and then when i inherited those powers from jadesprite, so could i **

**JADE: but we could only teleport locally **

**JADE: which means, bec could jump to anywhere in our universe, but not to another universe, or into a session **

**JADE: and jack could jump to anywhere in our session, but not outside it **

**JADE: we cant even jump to the green sun itself, even though we sort of serve as a gateway to it, and all its energy **

**JADE: and once we leave the suns domain, our travel is limited by the speed of light, like everyone else! **

**JADE: for example, the furthest ring is not in the suns domain **

**JADE: it is more like the suns medium, allowing it to exist **

**JADE: so if i wanted to fly out of our session and travel to the green sun, i would have to make my way there through the furthest ring at the speed of light or less **

**JADE: and wherever we are now is not in the suns domain either **

**JADE: so the same rules apply **

**JOHN: i see.**

**JOHN: it didn't really occur to me this was all so elaborate.**

**JOHN: like, if the green sun is at the center of a bunch of universes, like a huge solar system...**

**JOHN: doesn't that mean it was sort of important?**

**JOHN: maybe trying to blow it up wasn't such a great idea.**

**JADE: yes i think youre right **

**JADE: but to be fair, we were all the victims of a big prank! **

**JOHN: oh man, a prank?**

**JOHN: who pranked us?**

**JADE: some really creepy omniscient guy **

**JADE: it doesnt matter much, hes supposedly dead now **

**JOHN: oh. well that was quite a ruse then. that son of a bitch!**

**JADE: yes, but its not all as bad as it seems **

**JADE: theres a silver lining in all of this **

**JADE: like you said, a sun presiding over many universes has to be pretty cosmically important **

**JADE: who knows what terrible consequences there would be if it was destroyed **

**JADE: or maybe worse, if it never existed at all **

**JADE: which is what made rose and daves true mission an unintended success! **

**JOHN: their true mission?**

**JOHN: what was that?**

**JADE: to deliver the bomb to the empty location the green sun was meant to exist for most of eternity **

**JADE: and then create the sun in the first place **

**JADE: that is what the tumor was for all along **

**JOHN: ...**

**JADE: like i said **

**JADE: we got played like a bunch of suckers!**

And then it dawned on John. "THREE YEARS?" he screamed.

Elsewhere, the hand of a dead frog floated near a new universe. The Peregrine Mendicant stood upon the frog platform from the trolls' session, having passed through the rift after Jack. She was brimming with the energy of the green sun. The Mayor's body lay bleeding next to her on the platform and Serenity floated nearby.

PM looked up angrily at Jack Noir, who was floating above them, and tightened her grip on her sword.

"-.- - ..- … ..- -.-. -.-!" blinked Serenity.

The two carapacians: the archagent and the mail carrier, stared at each other. Jack's thoughts were ones of matespritship. PM's were ones of kismesissitude. Then Jack flew into the air and propelled himself away from the platform in a sudden abscondence towards the green sun.

"-.-. - .- .- .-. -..!" Serenity blinked angrily.

PM watched as the black figure slowly disappeared, then looked down at the Mayor, who lay bleeding on the ground.

"Please…" Serenity blinked out. "Help him."

The meteor that the four remaining trolls stood on flew towards the green sun, having been propelled by Sollux. Sollux now lay dead on the ground, blood pouring out of his eyes and mouth.

Karkat sobbed against Gamzee's chest, who stood there, smiling as stupidly as ever. Then the blood-red troll's moirail pointed into the sky. Four figures floated there: Dave, Rose, Sollux's other half, and Aradia.

John watched in amazement as Jade used her space powers to show him Dave and Rose and the two trolls. But the amazement soon became excitement at seeing his friends again.

**JOHN: oh man, rose and dave have sweet god tier pajamas like us! that's so awesome.**

**JOHN: haha, dave looks like kind of a doofus with that snug little hood.**

**JADE: i think he looks cool!**

**JADE: the cape is great, hes like a super hero now**

**JOHN: that's true.**

**JOHN: i still think i prefer my outfit though.**

**JOHN: look at all those trolls...**

**JOHN: there are so many trolls. the idea of meeting them all is kind of overwhelming.**

**JOHN: i wonder which one is which?**

**JOHN: i think that must have been karkat there. and that was probably his clown asshole friend he mentioned, too.**

**JADE: yup**

**JOHN: and that was definitely terezi, with the fancy glasses.**

**JOHN: not sure about the others... i wonder if vriska was there?**

**JADE: ...**

**JOHN: it's nice to see rose looks better.**

**JOHN: last time i saw her, she looked really grim.**

**JOHN: and also, dark.**

**JOHN: i was trying to talk to her, but she sounded like a babbling monster, so i couldn't understand her.**

**JOHN: it was really frustrating, and all of my nervous rambling probably made me sound like an idiot.**

**JOHN: and then when i woke up later, she was dead.**

**JADE: :(**

**JOHN: did you know...**

**JOHN: that i had to kiss her to make her come back to life?**

**JADE: !**

**JOHN: yes, it's true.**

**JOHN: it's kind of weird kissing a dead body, but i didn't mind.**

**JOHN: how did you feel about it when you kissed dave when he died?**

**JADE: ...**

**JADE: how did you know about that!**

**JOHN: karkat told me.**

**JADE: oh**

**JADE: that figures**

**JOHN: do you think that all of our unbridled corpse smooching means karkat's silly shipping prophecy will come true?**

**JADE: umm**

**JOHN: i mean, the guy is really angry, and says fuck like in practically every sentence.**

**JOHN: but he does weirdly seem to know what he's talking about when it comes to romance.**

**JADE: yeah**

**JADE: i dunno**

**JADE: do you want it to come true?**

**JOHN: man.**

**JOHN: i don't know.**

**JOHN: do you?**

**JADE: hmmmmmm...**

**JOHN: hmm, indeed.**

**JADE: i think i miss them already**

**JADE: and weve only been here for a few minutes :(**

**JOHN: yeah.**

**JOHN: there's a lot i want to tell them about.**

**JOHN: and a lot i want to ask them.**

**JADE: well**

**JADE: you could ask them now if you want**

**JOHN: really?**

**JADE: yes**

**JADE: in fact**

**JADE: you can hop right through me and join them**

**JADE: then you can travel with them to the new session if you like**

**JOHN: whoa! **

**JOHN: well, heck, why don't we do that then? **

**JOHN: it would probably be more fun with them than being on this golden battleship by ourselves. **

**JADE: it probably would!**

**JADE: but i cant go with you**

**JADE: i can serve as a gateway**

**JADE: but i cant travel to the sun myself, remember?**

**JOHN: oh yeah. **

**JOHN: dammit! **

**JADE: but its ok, really!**

**JADE: if thats what you wanted to do, i wouldnt mind**

**JADE: but whatever you do, you have to decide quickly**

**JADE: they will be departing from the sun very soon**

**JOHN: but i wouldn't want to leave you here all alone for three years. **

**JOHN: that would suck! **

**JADE: i wouldnt really be alone though**

She took the miniaturized figures of LOWAS, LOLAR, LOHAC, LOFAF, and Skaia out of her sylladex and floated them in a circle in front of her.

**JADE: i have the population of five planets to keep me company!**


	152. Book 9 Chapter 10: Humans and Trolls 1

Chapter 10: Humans and Trolls Part 1

**JOHN: :O**

**JOHN: that's right.**

**JOHN: that makes it seem not so boring i guess.**

**JOHN: but still...**

**JOHN: i would feel really bad leaving you here, even if you do have a million salamanders and chess guys to keep you company.**

**JOHN: you are my friend and also my sorta-sister, and we just met for the first time ever a few minutes ago...**

**JOHN: i'm not going to be like, welp! see ya in three years jade!**

**JADE: awww :D**

**JADE: ok then**

**JADE: personally, i think this trip could be a lot of fun!**

**JADE: theres no pressure to do anything important or run around like lunatics anymore**

**JADE: we can just relax**

**JOHN: yeah.**

**JOHN: now that you mention it, i'm pretty beat.**

**JOHN: also... starving!**

**JADE: woof!**

**JADE: whoops**

**JOHN: heheh.**

**JOHN: i sure hope there are things to eat on those planets.**

**JOHN: there were a lot of weird glowing mushrooms on lowas. i dunno about those.**

**JOHN: i seem to remember a bunch of farms on the battlefield...**

**JADE: there should be lots of good stuff on the planets**

**JADE: also i would bet this ship is stocked with plenty of military rations**

**JOHN: yeah, probably.**

**JOHN: pff, hell, we could just raid all of our fridges and alchemize some tasty grub!**

**JADE: oh yeah!**

**JADE: durrr, problem solved**

**JOHN: ok, cool.**

**JOHN: but it would still be nice to say hi to everybody before they leave.**

**JOHN: just to let them know how we're doing.**

**JADE: yes**

**JOHN: like, one of the last things rose saw before she died was me dying...**

**JOHN: i wonder if she knows i'm ok?**

**JADE: im pretty sure she knows a ton of things now**

**JADE: considering she is a fully realized seer of light**

**JOHN: yeah, probably.**

**JOHN: then maybe i'll just hop over real fast, and give karkat a fist bump, and give dave a hard time about his hella tight little hood, and then hop back?**

**JADE: im sure that would be hilarious**

**JADE: but**

**JADE: if you go i dont think i can bring you back**

**JADE: i cant bring anyone or anything to here from there!**

**JOHN: aw man, really?**

**JADE: as far as i know...**

**JADE: if theres a way i havent figured it out yet**

**JADE: i am still kind of new to this omnipotence thing after all :\**

**JOHN: that's stupid.**

**JOHN: what is with all these rules!**

**JADE: i dont know!**

**JADE: im sure the rules exist for a good reason though**

**JADE: maybe to somewhat limit the power and reach of omnipotent beings?**

**JADE: if there are no limits at all, it could be especially dangerous in the wrong hands**

**JADE: like what happened with jack!**

**JOHN: isn't that a contradiction though?**

**JOHN: if there are limits to your powers, you can't exactly be OMNIpotent, can you?**

**JOHN: more like...**

**JOHN: semipotent.**

**JADE: then i guess thats what we are!**

**JADE: semipotent demigods**

**JOHN: demidogs.**

**JADE: woof woof woof!**

**JADE: dammit!**

**JOHN: heh...**

**JOHN: can you not control the woofs?**

**JADE: i havent gotten the hang of the woofs yet :(**

**JOHN: so, the dog ears...**

**JOHN: is that a permanent thing now, or what?**

**JADE: i think so**

**JOHN: i like them.**

**JADE: i do too!**

**JOHN: you are like a furry now, but not really the weird kind that people on the internet like to have sex with in their imagination.**

**JADE: D:**

**JOHN: hey, can i at least send a message through?**

**JOHN: like a note or something?**

**JADE: sure! **

**JADE: better hurry up and write it though **

**JOHN: oh snap! ok, gotta think, quick...**

**JOHN: what do i write on?**

**JOHN: maybe the back of a movie poster or something?**

**JOHN: i don't think i have one captchalogued though...**

**JOHN: and now that i think about it, most of them were ruined by imps. :(**

Jade removed the undamaged Armaggedon poster from her sylladex.

**JADE: how about this one?**

**JADE: looks like its still in pretty good condition**

**JOHN: yes, that's perfect!**

**JOHN: everyone will love it, especially probably dave.**

**JOHN: i think i need something to fold it up and put it in though.**

**JOHN: i don't want to just like crumple it up and chuck it in there like some garbage…**

He lay it on the floor and removed the Sassacre Text and _Wise Guy_ from his sylladex.

**JOHN: i could stick it in a book i guess.**

**JOHN: but i kind of don't want to part with any great reading material, especially since we're going on a long trip.**

**JADE: john you have to hurry!**

**JOHN: ok, ok, um…**

Jade pulled a bucket out of his inventory instead and plopped it between them.

**JADE: here, will this work?**

**JOHN: oh, yeah. i guess that'll be fine.**

**JOHN: now, uhhh, what to write...**

**JADE: whatever you write just make it quick!**

**JADE: and tell everyone i say hi!**

**JOHN: ok, will do.**

**JADE: ok, while you work on that, i think ill bring up some friends**

**JOHN: huh?**

**JADE: you know, let some of our travel companions get acquainted with the ship!**

Suddenly, a large number of carapacians and consorts stood all over the Prospitian ship. There was also a familiar orange figure.

**JOHN: oh fuck, it's dave sprite!**

**JOHN: i forgot about him.**

**DAVESPRITE: yeah no shit**

**JOHN: how've you been, buddy?**

**JADE: shooooooooosh!**

**JADE: write now, catch up later!**

**JOHN: ok, i think this is a pretty good letter.**

**DAVESPRITE: let me check it out**

**DAVESPRITE: maybe ill humorously defile willis and afflecks dumb skyward yearning faces**

**JOHN: oh HELL no.**

**DAVESPRITE: come on dude hand it over**

**JADE: nooooo come on guys theyre about to go just stuff it in the bucket and throw it at me already! **

**DAVESPRITE: too late i already did it with sprite powers while he wasnt looking**

**JOHN: augh you bastard!**

John crumpled up the piece of paper and lobbed it through Jade to the trolls and Rose and Dave, to Karkat's clear horror.

**JOHN: wait a minute!**

**JOHN: i forgot, trolls hate cleaning products for some alien reason! shit, that's going to make everyone so uncomfortable.**

**JOHN: oh well, there it goes. too late i guess.**

**DAVESPRITE: ahahahaha you fucked up**

Meanwhile, Rose leveled up to the god tier Ariadne's Threadspinner. Dave leveled up to the god tier Revenge of Ricky Schrödinger. They both also got one of those kiddy camper handysashes and the gift of gab. Now they could start flapping their traps at anyone they pleased.

Gamzee, Karkat, Dave, Aradia, a half-alive Sollux, Terezi, Rose, Kanaya, and the dead body of the once-half-alive Sollux began to converse.

**ARADIA: you see?**

**ARADIA: i told you they would bring your body**

**SOLLUX: ok, well i believed y0u about that, but yeah, i can see that.**

**SOLLUX: eugh, can s0meone get rid 0f that thing please?**

**ARADIA: oh!**

**ARADIA: sollux lets do it!**

**SOLLUX: what.**

**ARADIA: the corpse party!**

**ARADIA: theres no better time and there are so many corpses here to work with**

**ARADIA: is everybody ok with that? do you want to have a big corpse party?**

**ARADIA: we can incinerate the remains in the sun it will be just glorious**

**ROSE: Corpse party?**

**ARADIA: rose!**

**ARADIA: can you please explain to my friends what a human funeral is like?**

**ROSE: Of course.**

**ROSE: I would describe it as an occasion marked by a great deal of jubilation at the expense of one or more well dressed cadavers.**

**DAVE: hahaha oh god**

**ARADIA: i couldnt have put it better myself**

**ARADIA: could you go into more detail?**

**ROSE: Well, in my experience, a loved one, typically an elder, arranges to have the departed placed in a small box, and then forces you to stand in the rain all day.**

**ROSE: Then, presumably winded by all the deeply ironic catharsis, she gets drunk and passes out on the couch.**

**DAVE: oh my god we are never going to stop fucking with each other are we**

**DAVE: even without computers**

**ARADIA: hmmm that sounds just a tad specific**

**ARADIA: we may have to adapt the proceedings to be a little more**

**ARADIA: i dunno**

**ARADIA: multicultural i guess?**

**SOLLUX: err...**

**ARADIA: why dont you all do some brainstorming about what kind of funeral to have while i go round up the bodies!**

**SOLLUX: aradia, FUCK.**

**SOLLUX: will y0u co0l it on the c0rpse party shit for a minute?**

**ARADIA: whats the matter?**

**SOLLUX: i mean, everyb0dy here has just met, and i guess just went through a l0t of really heavy bullshit, d0 you think that maybe this isn't the best thing t0 harp on right n0w?**

**ARADIA: um**

**ARADIA: i just thought it would be a nice thing to bond over**

**SOLLUX: not everyb0dy is as into death as y0u though. like, it's c0ol t0 see you s0 excited about s0mething, i'm seriously thrilled ab0ut that.**

**SOLLUX: but frankly it's all pretty fucking morbid t0 everybody, i just th0ught you sh0uld know.**

**ARADIA: am i really that bad?**

**TEREZI: Y3S :|**

**ARADIA: oh**

**ARADIA: sorry**

**ARADIA: i guess ive spent enough time here that i just dont see death as the terrible thing the living make it out to be**

**ARADIA: i honestly feel like its a reason to celebrate!**

**TEREZI: TH4TS OK 4R4D14, NO ON3S BL4M1NG YOU**

**TEREZI: 1 4CTU4LLY TH1NK YOUR WHOL3 D34TH F4NG1RL TH1NG 1S FUNNY 4ND K1ND OF CH4RM1NG :]**

**ARADIA: death fan girl thing?**

**ARADIA: what do you mean**

**TEREZI: OH COM3 ON**

**TEREZI: YOU 4R3 PR4CT1C4LLY B3S1D3 YOURS3LF W1TH G1DD1N3SS 4T TH3 1D34 OF S3RV1NG 4S TH3 M41TR3 D TO 4LL DR34M BUBBL3S**

**TEREZI: YOU LOV3 B31NG TH3 C4R3T4K3R OF W4YW4RD SOULS 4ND DR34M3RS!**

**TEREZI: LUCK1LY YOU M4K3 4N 4DOR4BL3 H4NDM41D TO TH3 M4ST3R OF D34TH, 3SP3C14LLY 1N YOUR CUT3 CH3RRY P1X13 3NS3MBL3**

**ARADIA: you think so?**

**ROSE: I'm going to agree with my fellow seer on this.**

**TEREZI: S33?**

**TEREZI: 3V3N SNOOTY M1SS C4NT4LOUP3 ROB3 4GR33S!**

**TEREZI: OH, 4ND GUYS, JUST FOR TH3 S4K3 OF MULT1CULTUR4L CL4R1TY, W3 TROLLS TR34T D34TH 1TS3LF 4S 4 MYTHOLOG1C4L F1GUR3**

**TEREZI: H3 1S 4 M4N W1TH 4 FR1GHT3N1NG SKULL FOR 4 H34D 4ND 4 T3RR1BL3 HYPNOT1C GL4R3**

**TEREZI: 4LL TH3 L3G3NDS S4Y H3S GOT TH1S SUP3R FOXY H4NDM41D TO DO H1S D1RTYWORK**

**TEREZI: 1 M34N TH1S 1S 4LL F4NT4SY OF COURS3, BUT W3 C4NT R34LLY UND3RST4ND 34CH OTH3RS CULTUR3S UNL3SS W3 UND3RST4ND TH3 MYTHS B3H1ND TH3M!**

**DAVE: yo terezi weve got a grim reaper too**

**DAVE: shit isnt that novel**

**DAVE: i mean i think even a civilization full of the laziest sons of bitches are gonna make up a myth figure for death**

**DAVE: like oooh watch OUT death is coming for you hes got like**

**DAVE: a SKULL and shit**

**DAVE: i basically have no fucking imagination that sounds badass to me**

**DAVE: wait wait no how about hes got a BLACK ROBE too**

**DAVE: and a fuckin scythe to fuckin slash at you with in case you didnt die all the way or whatever**

**DAVE: daaaaaamn now youre talking bro**

**DAVE: lets go ahead stick that in our culture forever**

**TEREZI: SO WH4T YOU 4R3 T3LL1NG M3 D4V3 1S**

**TEREZI: TH4T W3 BOTH H4V3 D34TH *4ND* COTTON C4NDY?**

**DAVE: hell yes**

**TEREZI: W3 M1GHT 4S W3LL B3 TH3 S4M3 D4MN SP3C13S! :D**

**KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.**

**KARKAT: IS IT GOING TO SHIT ON EVERYBODY'S GREAT TIME IF I DARE TO BRING UP IMPORTANT THINGS NOW? **

**KARKAT: IS IT SAFE TO POKE OUR HEADS UP FROM THIS GULCH OF IDIOTIC BANTER AND SEE IF THE COAST IS CLEAR FOR ADULT, BUSINESSLIKE CONVERSATION? **

**KARKAT: YES, YES, HUMANS, SO NICE TO MEET YOU, AND IT SEEMS YOU'RE GOD TIERS NOW? NEAT, YADA YADA, WHAT THE FUCK EVER. **

**KARKAT: JUST ONE QUESTION **

**KARKAT: WE FOLLOWED THAT GREEN BEACON OF WHAT I THOUGHT WAS THE AFTERMATH OF A SUCCESSFUL BLOW UP THE SUN MISSION **

**KARKAT: AND AFTER A BREAKNECK WARP SPEED JOURNEY IN WHICH MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND *EVER* PSYCHED ME OUT INTO THINKING HE DIED *YET A FUCKING GAIN* BY EXPELLING LITER AFTER GRUESOME LITER OF GRUBSAUCE FROM HIS EVERY ORIFICE **

**KARKAT: WHAT DO I FIND HERE? **

**KARKAT: WHY, IN ADDITION TO A PAIR OF HUMANS DRAPED IN CIRCUSWEAR AND ALL THEIR FLIPPANT GIBES LOCKED AND GODDAMN LOADED **

**KARKAT: IT SEEMS WE HAVE ALSO CHANCED UPON NONE OTHER THAN THE GREEN FUCKING SUN ITSELF **

**KARKAT: WHICH UNLESS MY RAW, RUDDY GANDERBULBS ARE STILL A LITTLE GRIEFBLEARY, STRIKES ME AS STILL BEING SOMEWHAT RATHER FUCKING *UNBLOWN* UP. **

**KARKAT: SO WHAT AM I MISSING HERE **

**DAVE: dude chill out we just got hornswoggled is all**

**KARKAT: OH! **

**KARKAT: CASE CLOSED **

**KARKAT: OK THEN, LET'S START PITCHING DEAD PALS INTO THE LIMITLESS INFERNO. MY CURIOSITY WAS TOTALLY FUCKING SATED JUST THEN! **

**ARADIA: the sun will never be destroyed karkat**

**ARADIA: im sorry but you were misinformed!**

**KARKAT: AH! MORE BREATHTAKING REASSURANCE! **

**KARKAT: EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE GUYS, WE WERE JUST HORNSWOGGLED AND MISINFORMED, CARRY ON THEN! **

**KARKAT: WASN'T THE WHOLE POINT TO TAKE OUT THE SUN TO NEUTRALIZE JACK? **

**ROSE: It shouldn't be a problem.**

**KARKAT: OH NO? THEN WHAT'S THE PLAN NOW? **

**ROSE: It's simple.**

**ROSE: We regroup, and then defeat him in person.**

**KARKAT: OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. **

**KARKAT: FUCKING OH. **

**KARKAT: AND HERE I THOUGHT THE NEW PLAN WAS GOING TO BE SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID AND SUICIDAL. **

**KARKAT: DID I SAY OH YET? **

**KARKAT: BECAUSE THAT'S THE SOUND I MAKE WHEN I'M FUCKING RELIEVED! **

**GAMZEE: honk.**

**KARKAT: WHAT. **

**GAMZEE: HONK.**

**KARKAT: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT? **

**KARKAT: DON'T YOU START WITH ME **

**KARKAT: DO. NOT. START WITH ME. **

**KARKAT: I WILL GET YOU IN A HEADLOCK SO TIGHT IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IF PEOPLE DON'T MISTAKE OUR TUSSLE FOR AN ILL CONCEIVED VENTRILOQUIST ACT. **

**KARKAT: I WILL SHOOSH YOU AGAIN, SO HELP ME GOD. I WILL SHOOSH YOUR CLOWN ASS TO SHANGRI-BULLSHIT-LA AND BACK, AND FILL YOUR EAR WITH MY WHITE HOT PALEBRO SPITTLE. **

**KARKAT: I AM FULL AND FUCKING WELL PREPARED TO GET CONCILIATORY WITH YOU AGAIN IF YOU SO MUCH AS PASS GAS MURDEROUSLY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? **

**KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? DO I NEED TO CALM YOUR FAYGO-STICKY TENTSQUATTING SHIT DOWN AGAIN? **

**GAMZEE: naw brother, i was just about to all say for you to try and get your settle down on, maybe.**

**GAMZEE: :o(**

**DAVE: man what the hell even happened on this meteor anyway**

**DAVE: actually dont even tell me**

**KARKAT: OK **

**KARKAT: OK YEAH **

**KARKAT: I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. **

**KARKAT: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, I SHOULD RELAX. **

**KARKAT: AND BREATHE. **

**KARKAT: I MEAN, WHAT ARE MOIRAILS FOR, RIGHT? **

**KARKAT: THIS IS HOW IT WORKS, I STOP YOU FROM KILLING EVERYBODY, THEN YOU RETURN THE FAVOR AND CALM ME DOWN AND I JUST **

**KARKAT: BREATHE **

**KARKAT: LIKE **

**KARKAT: THIS... **

**KARKAT: SNIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK, THAT SUN IS BRIGHT. **

**KARKAT: CALL ME CRAZY, BUT IT'S KIND OF HARD TO RELAX WITHIN A STONE'S THROW FROM, OH, I GUESS ONLY THE BIGGEST FUCKING STAR ANY MORTAL HAS EVER LAID EYES ON. **

**KANAYA: Actually I Was Just Thinking**

**KANAYA: Its Nice To Get A Little Sun After So Long**

**KARKAT: SURE, THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD FOR YOU. **

**KARKAT: BUT I MEAN, CAN THIS BE HEALTHY? **

**KARKAT: AREN'T WE GOING TO GET BURNED OR HAVE OUR RETINAS SCORCHED BY LOOKING AT IT? **

**KARKAT: OH GOD I THINK I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK. **

**TEREZI: K4RK4T YOUR3 3MB4RR4SS1NG US 1N FRONT OF TH3 HUM4NS**

**KARKAT: FUCK YOU **

**KARKAT: I CAN'T BREATHE... **

**KARKAT: IT'S SO BRIGHT, I NEED SUNGLASSES OR SOMETHING. **

**KARKAT: QUICK, WHICH ONE OF YOU AWESOME DUDES HAS A RADICAL PAIR OF SHADES I CAN BORROW? **

**KANAYA: One Moment**

Kanaya held out Equius's cracked shades and Karkat flailed at them angrily.

**KARKAT: I WAS JOKING, GET THOSE FUCKING THINGS AWAY FROM ME**

Terezi facepalmed.

**TEREZI: 1 4M SO SORRY YOU GUYS**

**TEREZI: W3 4R3 4CTU4LLY 4 LOT COOL3R TH4N TH1S!**

**DAVE: are you actually**

**TEREZI: ...**

**TEREZI: NO**

**TEREZI: NO W3 AR3 NOT**


	153. Book 9 Chapter 11: Humans and Trolls 2

Chapter 11: Humans and Trolls Part 2

**KARKAT: WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW**

**KARKAT: SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.**

**KARKAT: WHO'S THE LEADER NOW?**

**KARKAT: ARADIA ARE YOU THE LEADER NOW**

**KARKAT: OR IS IT ROSE "I HAVE AN IDEA, LET'S TAKE THE INVINCIBLE DEMON HEAD ON!" LALONDE.**

**KARKAT: I NEED TO KNOW WHO THE LEADER IS**

**KARKAT: I NEED TO KNOW IN WHOSE DIRECTION I MUST BEHAVE AS THE MOST PATHETICALLY USELESS SUBORDINATE I CAN BE.**

**KARKAT: QUICK, SOMEONE BOSS ME AROUND! I'M FUCKING INCOMPETENT AND RARING TO GO.**

**KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN THERE'S A LEADER AROUND TRYING TO MAKE PLANS, RIGHT?**

**KARKAT: YOU DROP YOUR IQ HARDER THAN A PAIR OF HILARIOUSLY PLUMMETING PANTS, YOU CEASELESSLY RAMBLE ABOUT VAPID BULLSHIT, YOU RUN AROUND HIDING ALL OF YOUR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS IN TREASURE CHESTS, AND THEN EVERYONE STARTS MURDERING EACH OTHER.**

**KARKAT: IF THERE'S ANY OTHER EXPERIENCE CHARACTERIZING LEADERSHIP, IT'S ONE I SURE AS FUCK NEVER HAD!**

**KARKAT: SO I NEED TO KNOW WHO THE LEADER IS.**

**KARKAT: STRIDER, IS IT YOU?**

**TEREZI: 4444444UGH**

**ARADIA: karkat i dont know if anyone cares about formal ranks like that anymore**

**ARADIA: or if anyone ever did!**

**ARADIA: but for what its worth i suggest that from now on you all listen closely to the advice of our human guests**

**DAVE: wait**

**DAVE: really**

**ARADIA: yes!**

**ARADIA: no need to be so modest dave**

**ARADIA: tactically speaking a knight of time and a seer of light is a nearly unbeatable combination**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVE: i dont really have any orders to give though**

**DAVE: except for karkat to shut the hell up because that horseshit is more obnoxious in person than i ever imagined**

**KARKAT: OH WOW, I WOULD OFFER A RETORT TO YOUR VICIOUS BARB, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT UNLIKE EVERY ASSHOLE EVER, I CAN ACTUALLY FOLLOW ORDERS AND SHUT MY MOUTH!**

**KARKAT: CHECK IT OUT, "DOGG"**

**KARKAT: ...**

**ARADIA: yes you are off to an excellent start as a subordinate**

**ARADIA: keep doing that!**

**ARADIA: but dave dont worry if you do not have instructions for us**

**ARADIA: the knight of time is not necessarily the tactician**

**ARADIA: he is a powerful warrior class which exploits the flow of time as a weapon**

**ARADIA: rose is the one who must play the role of the strategist**

**ARADIA: the seer class knows her aspect comprehensively**

**ARADIA: as a knower of all fortune she can see the circuitous path that will lead to the most favorable outcome for everyone**

**ARADIA: personally i would defer to her judgment!**

**TEREZI: R34LLY? YOU C4N DO TH4T? **

**ROSE: Yes.**

**TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS 4 LOT MOR3 US3FUL TH4N MY S33R POW3RS :[ **

**ROSE: Illumination of the road to victory for all is an asset considerably different from command over the outcomes of decisions made by individuals.**

**ROSE: How do you know your talents won't be critical in blazing this auspicious trail?**

**TEREZI: UM **

**TEREZI: 1 GU3SS 1 DONT **

**ROSE: That's because you're not me.**

**KANAYA: Okay Then What Do We Do**

Rose floated up in the air and pointed into the distance.

**ROSE: Nothing yet.**

**ROSE: But reasonably soon, within a certain window, it will be time to leave.**

**ROSE: We will then pilot this meteor as fast as we can make it go in that exact direction.**

**SOLLUX: what's that way?**

**ROSE: Nothing whatsoever.**

**ROSE: As of now, that way lies darkness and uncertainty beyond description.**

**KANAYA: I See**

**KANAYA: Then Perhaps We Should Reserve The Infinite Darkness Plan For The Maybe Column For Now**

**KANAYA: I Think Im Even Willing To Let Dave Take A Crack At The Logistics Before We Commit To That Particular Maneuver Daring Though It Sounds**

**DAVE: aw yeah**

**DAVE: i got sicknasty logistics up my sleeve**

**DAVE: i just call them stics fyi which is how you know im way savvy about them**

**DAVE: most of the stics im fine tuning atm involve rap though i should warn you**

**DAVE: but dave what if that dope as hell plan falls through i can hear you ask**

**DAVE: plan b**

**DAVE: involves drawing some shitty cartoons**

**DAVE: and not giving a fuck about stuff**

**TEREZI: 8D**

**TEREZI: 1 H3R3BY S3COND TH1S COOL DUD3S R4D1C4L MOT1ON ON GROUNDS OF R1D1CULOUSLY D3C4D3NT 4TT1R3**

**KANAYA: Yes Im Willing To Humor Elaboration On This Rap Centric Plan And Its Apathy Based Contingencies**

**KANAYA: Even If Its Excessively Stupid**

**ROSE: Trust me, it is.**

**ROSE: Just as you should trust me that by the time we leave, if we leave exactly within the designated window and are able to travel at nearly the speed of light, the meteor will trace a route through the Furthest Ring which will topologically resolve as a straight line.**

**ROSE: It will lead us directly to the new session.**

**ROSE: For a brief moment, the sun will be visible from that session.**

**ROSE: And we will be riding the chartreuse coattails of its photons.**

**ARADIA: this is why you all needed an advanced seer!**

**ARADIA: i have become familiar with the ways of the fabric out here but even i couldnt chart a journey that long or complex**

**ROSE: That's because it's almost impossible to do so voluntarily.**

**ROSE: If we were to head right now in the session's true physical direction, it wouldn't be long before we found ourselves traveling in just the opposite direction.**

**ROSE: This is not even to speak of the chronological peculiarities. After traveling some distance, we could discover we were suddenly tailgating our own meteor from several days ago.**

**ROSE: If we are particularly unfortunate, we might even collide in an intersection of spacetime with a meteor piloted by our future selves.**

**ROSE: And if we looked closely at that meteor before impact, we might notice a very large dent in it, which it originally suffered during the very collision we were about to experience.**

**ROSE: It takes precision and timing to reach your destination out here, and most importantly, the grace of the gods themselves.**

**KARKAT: PPPFFUUUUUUUHHHHHHH... **_**WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE...**_

**ROSE: Hm?**

**SOLLUX: kk, what the fuck?**

**SOLLUX: were you h0lding your breath that wh0le time?**

**KARKAT: YEAH**

**KARKAT: SO?**

**TEREZI: OH GOD, YOU DUMMY**

**TEREZI: YOU DONT 4CTU4LLY H4V3 TO HOLD YOUR BR34TH WH3N YOUR3 B31NG QU13T!**

**KARKAT: OK YEAH**

**KARKAT: I MEAN, OF COURSE IT SOUNDS OBVIOUS WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT**

**DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha**

**DAVE: rose i told you this dude is fucking incredible**

**KARKAT: STFU.**

**KARKAT: LOOK I'M JUST A LITTLE OUT OF PRACTICE AT STAYING QUIET FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME, OK?**

**TEREZI: H3 R34LLY 1S :|**

**KARKAT: ANYWAY, WHATEVER, SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING LALONDE IS**

**KARKAT: WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THIS HORRIBLE ROCK A GOOD WHILE LONGER TO GET TO THIS PARADISE SESSION OR WHATEVER IT IS?**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**KARKAT: AND SINCE WE PROBABLY AREN'T GOING TO FORCE SOLLUX'S BULLSHIT "HALF GHOST" OR WHATEVER TO POP HIMSELF AGAIN LIKE A PACKET OF NASTY FETID MUSTARD SO HE CAN SHOOT THIS THING INTO HYPERSPACE...**

**SOLLUX: hey man, come 0n. not c0ol.**

**KARKAT: I'M GUESSING THAT MEANS IT'LL TAKE CONSIDERABLY LONGER TO GET THERE THAN IT DID TO GET HERE?**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**KARKAT: I JUST KNEW IT**

**KARKAT: THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE REALIZED**

**KARKAT: WHEN WE FIRST FLED TO THIS METEOR I HAD THIS WEIRD FEELING WE'D WIND UP SPENDING FOREVER AT THIS MISERABLE PLACE, ASSUMING WE ACTUALLY SURVIVED.**

**KARKAT: I'M ALMOST AFRAID TO ASK, HOW LONG IS THIS TRIP GOING TO TAKE?**

**KARKAT: PROBABLY SOME ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS AMOUNT OF TIME, LIKE THREE LONG MADDENING SWEEPS, RIGHT?**

**KARKAT: WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE SO COSMICALLY CONVENIENT AND PERFECT FOR EVERYBODY! ESPECIALLY FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT PURPOSE OF ALL, MY UNINTERRUPTED CONTINUUM OF PERSONAL AGONY!**

**KARKAT: THANK YOU, DARK GODS! THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! YOU WIN THIS ROUND! YOU WIN ALL THE ROUNDS APPARENTLY! THERE ARE NO ROUNDS EVEN. THERE'S JUST YOUR SLIMY TENDRILS, OUR NAKED BODIES, AND EPOCHS OF MOLESTATION.**

**ROSE: Don't be ridiculous. It won't take nearly that long.**

**KARKAT: OH**

**ROSE: It'll only take about three years.**

**KARKAT: OK**

**KARKAT: THAT'S NOT SO BAD I GUESS.**

**KARKAT: WAIT, HOW LONG ARE YEARS SUPPOSED TO BE AGAIN?**

**KARKAT: WAS IT LIKE TWO WEEKS OR SOMETHING?**

**ROSE: Yes, two.**

**ROSE: And then fifty more.**

**KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.**

**ARADIA: karkat go back to holding your breath!**

**ARADIA: this is going to be a wonderful adventure for everyone**

**ARADIA: im a bit jealous honestly!**

**ARADIA: or i would be if i wasnt having such a good time with my death fangirl thing :p**

**KANAYA: So**

**KANAYA: You Arent Coming Then**

**ARADIA: no**

**ARADIA: i still have important work to do here**

**TEREZI: 4WW :[**

**ARADIA: but that doesnt rule out the possibility we could meet again in bubbles along your journey!**

**TEREZI: 1 HOP3 SO**

**SOLLUX: yeah, i think i'll hang behind here t0o, if that's 0k with you guys.**

**KARKAT: WAIT, WHAT? **

**KARKAT: NO COME ON, DON'T BE LIKE THAT **

**SOLLUX: be like what? a ghost?**

**SOLLUX: i d0n't think i belong with the living anym0re.**

**KARKAT: YOU'RE A *HALF* GHOST, ASSHOLE. **

**KARKAT: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? HOW ARE YOU EVEN TAKING THIS IDIOTIC "HALF DEATH" SERIOUSLY IF YOU JUST GO HOG WILD AS A FUCKING WHOLE-GHOST, AND SAY STUPID SHIT LIKE, BLAH BLAH, I BELONG IN THE AFTERLIFE NOW LIKE A DUMBASS. **

**SOLLUX: kk, SORRY.**

**SOLLUX: i'm just d0ne with this crap, this insane adventure bullshit, it's nothing pers0nal.**

**SOLLUX: i just want to spend time with aa and chill 0ut and catch up with some 0f our dead buddies, is that 0k?**

**KARKAT: WHATEVER, FINE. **

**KARKAT: I'M GOING BACK TO NOT BREATHING AGAIN. **

**KARKAT: HHHH**_**HHHHHHHHUUUUP**_**... **

**KANAYA: Maybe I Will Stay Here Too**

**ROSE: Why?**

**KANAYA: As Nice As It Sounds To Move On**

**KANAYA: I Dont Know If I Can Stand Three Of Your Human Years Of More Darkness**

**KANAYA: I Like This Sun Its Comforting In A Strange Way**

**KANAYA: Like Home**

**ROSE: But what if we need your help?**

**KANAYA: What Could I Possibly Do**

**KANAYA: Aside From Providing A Light Source As You Navigate The Dim Corridors**

**KANAYA: I Would Function As A Premium Escort To The Load Gaper And Thats About It**

**ARADIA: but kanaya you still have important work to finish too!**

**ARADIA: we cant ignore our duties**

**KANAYA: What Are You Talking About**

**ARADIA: our race is extinct remember**

**ARADIA: and after a few more casualties it is now hanging by a thread**

**ARADIA: your job was to see to the resurrection of our people**

**KANAYA: What Real Hope Is There For That**

**KANAYA: The Orb Was Destroyed**

**KANAYA: I Was Never Able To Duplicate It The Grist Cost Was Astronomical**

**ARADIA: theres always hope though!**

**ARADIA: you just never know and i dont think you should give up**

**KANAYA: Doesnt Rose Know**

**KANAYA: Cant You See The Path To Victory On This Matter**

**ROSE: It's hard to say.**

**ROSE: Does the repopulation of your species qualify as victory?**

**ROSE: These things aren't always clear cut. Some outcomes are for your own judgment.**

**ROSE: What outcome would you like the most?**

**KANAYA: I Would Like To Have The Orb Again And To Keep It Safe This Time**

**KANAYA: And I Guess To Not Be A Total Failure**

**ROSE: Ok.**

**ROSE: If you follow my advice, I can at least promise you will find yourself in the best position to determine whether that may come to pass.**

**KANAYA: ...**

**ROSE: Can you please come?**

**ROSE: Between the two of us, you with your inexplicably heretofore unmentioned phosphorescence, and I with my nigh-reflective traffic cone orange sun-sari, the meteor should never be **_**too**_ **dark.**

**KARKAT: (sollux, oh my god is it me or is everybody already just fucking hitting on each other left and right? oh god i can't take sweeps of this shit, don't leave me alone here, please don't) **

**SOLLUX: ehehehehe.**

**KANAYA: Well**

**KANAYA: All Right**

**KANAYA: But Must We Really Leave So Soon**

**ROSE: It's soon or never. But not immediately.**

**ROSE: Even if the route were accessible right now, it would still behoove us to wait.**

**ROSE: There's correspondence from John yet to arrive.**

**DAVE: whoa really**

**ROSE: And after that, we have to wait for one final guest to appear.**

**ROSE: Then we ride like the solar wind. The race will be afoot.**

**KANAYA: Wait Another Visitor**

**KANAYA: Who**

**KARKAT: FUCK! **

**ROSE: Oh lord.**

**ROSE: Now what?**

**KARKAT: BRO, WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR BODY**

Where Sollux's half-ghost body had been, there were only Feferi's goggles left as well as a trail of mustard-colored blood leading away.

**KARKAT: SOLLUX, WHERE DID YOUR BODY GO?**

**SOLLUX: hell if i kn0w.**

**ARADIA: oh nooo :(**

**KARKAT: WAIT A MINUTE.**

**KARKAT: WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE, WHERE'S...**

**KARKAT: SHIT**

**KARKAT: VRISKA'S BODY IS GONE TOO!**

**DAVE: wait**

**DAVE: shes dead too**

**TEREZI: 3R...**

**DAVE: you guys are so messed up**

**KARKAT: WHERE ARE THEY?**

**KARKAT: DID ANYONE SEE WHAT HAPPENED?**

**KARKAT: DAMMIT, WHEN THE FUCK WILL I LEARN NOT TO TURN MY BACK ON THE BODIES.**

**KARKAT: HOLD ON**

**KARKAT: OH NO, WHERE'S GAMZEE**

**KANAYA: He Took Them**

**KANAYA: Look At The Trails**

**KARKAT: OHHHH FUCK**

**KARKAT: NO, FUCK NO, FUCK THAT CORPSE HOARDING SACK OF HORRIBLE GARBAGE.**

**DAVE: wait has the juggalo troll been giving you guys fits like this or something**

**DAVE: like this is a thing**

**DAVE: like a pattern**

**KARKAT: NICE GUESS SHIT HEAD!**

**DAVE: oh man one of you has got to sit me down and tell me what actually happened here it all just sounds fuckin amazing in sort of the stupidest way possible**

**DAVE: i mean like personal tragedies notwithstanding**

**KARKAT: YEAH, HE DOES THIS**

**KARKAT: HE SORT OF COLLECTS BODIES AND DECAPITATES THEM AND STUFF**

**KARKAT: STICKS THEM IN BIG SCIENCE JARS, FOR SOME REASON?**

**KANAYA: Im Pretty Sure He Kisses Them Too Sometimes**

**KARKAT: NO NO NO I'M NOT LISTENING TO SHIT LIKE THAT, I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THAT.**

**KARKAT: IT'S LIKE**

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW HOW EVERY NOW AND THEN YOUR LUSUS WILL BRING SOME RANDOM ASS DEAD ANIMAL BACK TO YOUR HIVE FOR NO FUCKING REASON**

**KARKAT: AND THEY DON'T EVER STOP DOING THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU YELL**

**KARKAT: IT'S LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN**

**DAVE: not really**

**DAVE: oh wait**

**DAVE: against all odds i sorta do**

**DAVE: mine actually did do that once**

**KARKAT: YES, THERE YOU GO.**

**DAVE: when i was really young**

**DAVE: he made this stupid leather bib for me out of a goddamn horse**

**DAVE: for the ironies obviously**

**ROSE: Was that the one you mentioned had a pink heart on it?**

**DAVE: yeah**

**ROSE: Hmm.**

**DAVE: what**

**ROSE: It's just that with the clarity afforded by my new abilities, it occurred to me just now that dead horse was likely the beautiful pet pony my mother gave me recently.**

**ROSE: It was crushed to death by your newborn ass.**

**ROSE: You bastard.**

**DAVE: well shit**

**DAVE: thats a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didnt even really need solving**

**DAVE: but damn if it didnt just get solved so nice work**

**ROSE: Thanks.**

**KARKAT: KANAYA WHERE ARE YOU GOING?**

The Virgo troll had taken her chainsaw, still sticky with Eridan's blood, out of her strife deck.

**KANAYA: Clown Hunting**

**KARKAT: OH NO...**

**KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THAT?**

**KARKAT: I MEAN WHO EVEN REALLY CARES IF HE STOLE MORE BODIES.**

**KARKAT: HE CAN HAVE THEM FRANKLY, AS LONG AS IT KEEPS HIM OUT OF TROUBLE.**

**KARKAT: WE DON'T NEED TO HAVE A FUCKING CORPSE PARTY, SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT DUMB IDEA.**

**KANAYA: ...**

**KARKAT: ALRIGHT IF YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GO**

**KARKAT: JUST**

**KARKAT: BE CAREFUL**

**KARKAT: NO MORE POINTLESS BLOODSHED, OK? THAT'S AN ORDER!**

**KARKAT: WAIT FUCK**

**KARKAT: I'M NOT LEADER ANYMORE**

**KARKAT: ROSE CAN YOU ORDER HER TO DO THAT?**

**KARKAT: SAY WHAT I JUST SAID, REALLY ANGRILY**

**KARKAT: ASSUMING YOU CAN EVEN *BE* ANGRY.**

**ROSE: ...**

**KARKAT: WAIT**

**KARKAT: GUYS SOMETHING'S HAPPENING...**

**KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON NOW?**

While Karkat had been ranting, a green ball of electricity had appeared above their heads. Now it became a bucket and began to fly towards Karkat.

**KARKAT: HOLY**

**KARKAT: FUCKING**

It squelched against his face and began to slide across.

**KARKAT: **_**SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**_

**KARKAT: **_**HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**_

He flailed his arms around as it continued to press against his face.

**KARKAT: **_**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**_

**KARKAT: **_**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.**_

He leaned back, accepting the weight of the bucket pressing against his face, then suddenly jerked back up, sending it soaring straight up into the air. It landed near Karkat, who was lying prone on the ground. The Armageddon poster slid out. The troll's leg twitched. Terezi covered her eyes.

The poster had been defaced by Davesprite, who had drawn SBAHJ faces over the existing actors' faces. An arrow pointing to the rocket said "BEEP BEEP PEEP" and another said "SLOWLY BACKING UP INTO EARTHS ATMOSPHERE". Karkat unfolded it and looked at the message on the back.

**hey everybody!**

**this is john. actually, it is john, jade, and dave sprite. we all contributed to the contents of this bucket! we have to make it quick because apparently you're about to go on a long journey, just like us. i'm sorry we can't be there for the big meetup. karkat, i deeply regret that i will not be present for these highly touted "TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS", ha ha. maybe in three years, assuming you all aren't totally smooched out by then! (i am just kidding around, btw.) rose and dave, you both look totally sweet! i can't believe you're both god tiers now. did you know jade is too? also, she has dog ears. she looks fantastic. how cool is it that we're all god tiers? it's like we're a super hero team, or some kind of anime squad. like the sailor moons, i guess, but not as lame, or as sexy. i'm going to miss the hell out of you both for the next few years. i'm already looking forward to this new session so hard. it was a fun adventure we had today, wasn't it? i'll even miss talking to the trolls too. say hi to them for me, even though i didn't get to know many. except karkat obviously, and oh yeah, vriska too. vriska, if you read this, thanks again for all your help. i don't think i'd have made it this far if not for you! i just thought you should know that.**

**jade and dave sprite both say hi and send their best wishes. but now jade says i have to finish quickly! she wants me to throw this bucket and its heartfelt payload through her mysterious portal. so here i go.**

**see you all in 3 years!**

**~john**

Buckets seemed to be floating around Karkat's head as he looked up. They were everywhere. He watched Kanaya smirk at Rose and Rose waggle her eyebrows in return. **"TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS" **As he watched, Terezi and Dave stared at each other through their glasses. **"TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS"** He saw Gamzee puckering his clown lips at him mirthfully. **"TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS"**

Karkat's eyes widened further and further and further until he finally screamed in horror and flipped the fuck out. Sollux, Aradia, Rose, Dave, Kanaya, and Terezi looked at him in confusion.

PM scooped The Mayor's body up into her arms and teleported him and Serenity to the meteor, where he landed in the middle of the five trolls and two humans.

**DAVE: whos this guy**

**ROSE: The visitor I mentioned earlier.**

**ROSE: He will be traveling with us too.**

**SERENITY: -.- - ..- - …. . .-. . -..- - .. … …!**

**SERENITY: .-. .-.. . .- … . … .- …- . - -.- ..-. .-. .. . -. -..!**

**DAVE: is he dead**

**ROSE: We should be able to get him some help along the way.**

**ROSE: But only if we leave immediately.**

**ROSE: Luckily for him, we have no alternative. Jack will arrive soon.**

**TEREZI: WH4T!**

**ROSE: When I said the race would be afoot, I was being literal.**

**ROSE: He will follow our trail, and match our speed.**

**ROSE: And since this is not the ideal scenario for a final showdown, the best we can hope to do is outrun him.**

**KARKAT: SOUNDS LIKE IT'S TIME TO HIT THE FUCKING ROAD THEN**

**KARKAT: HOW DO WE MAKE THIS THING GO ANYWAY. DOES IT HAVE ROCKETS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?**

**ROSE: Maybe it does. I'm not sure.**

**ROSE: But one good push in the right direction should be all we need.**

**ARADIA: i can help with that!**

**ARADIA: sollux do you think you can lend me a hand?**

**SOLLUX: huh?**

**ARADIA: theyll need the biggest push we can give them**

**SOLLUX: 0h.**

**SOLLUX: yeah sure.**

**KARKAT: WHAT, SO JUST ONE "PUSH" IS GOING TO LAST THREE YEARS?**

**KARKAT: LET ALONE OUTRUN JACK? BULLSHIT.**

**SOLLUX: calm down kk, it sh0uld be fine.**

**SOLLUX: y0u won't sl0w down.**

**KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT?**

**ROSE: Troll Isaac Newton told him.**

**KARKAT: OK, WHATEVER, LET'S JUST GET ON WITH IT.**

**KARKAT: IN THE MEANTIME WE SHOULD SET UP SOME SORT OF CHECKPOINT PERIMETER AROUND THE DEAD MAYOR GUY.**

**KARKAT: JUST SO GAMZEE DOESN'T TRY TO HOARD HIS BODY OR CHOP OFF HIS HEAD.**

**DAVE: what is he the mayor of anyway**

**DAVE: it kinda looks like he just made that sash himself**

**KARKAT: HE'S THE DULY ELECTED MAYOR OF THE FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, AND HE JUST CUT THE RIBBON TO A BRAND NEW MUSEUM FULL OF PRICELESS SHUT THE FUCK UP.**

**ARADIA: ok you guys can keep arguing if you like but im going to send you on your way now**

**ARADIA: then after you leave i should be able to buy you a little more time**

**KARKAT: HOW'S THAT?**

**ARADIA: when jack comes ill slow him down for a while**

**ARADIA: it wont be for very long but its the best i can do!**

**ROSE: That should help us greatly.**

**ROSE: Thank you, Aradia.**

**ARADIA: youre welcome!**

**ARADIA: are you ready sollux?**

Sollux and Aradia floated off the meteor and used their powers to propel the ship forward and it went blasting off into the furthest ring. PM watched as it vanished into the distance and sprung from the frog platform she was on herself, flying towards the Green Sun.


	154. Book 9 Chapter 12: The Ball Drops

Chapter 12: The Ball Drops

The familiar green curtains closed on the scene, signifying the end of Act 6 Intermission 1. Across the gear contraption that Robohussie had set up came a sudden flash of lightning. There were dark clouds behind the rig, and this in itself was all in a cloud above the new session's Skaia. But it wasn't just this cloud that was displaying something interesting. Another one showed three red filial drones, each with a trident symbol on their head and full armor, standing heftily, legs spread apart in anticipation of battle. The unnamed Strider stood in yet another, one hand out and the other back with a sword in it. His triangular glasses gleamed.

In another was a fenestrated wall, which the unnamed Lalonde was standing over. The wall was connected to a green portable laptop hub with a symbol of an atom on it. The girl wore a shirt with a symbol of a pink cat on it. She was holding a blue cube containing a frozen, oddly-mutated cat, and slowly moved it down towards the wall. In another cloud, the same cube floated downwards into a black abyss, surrounded by tiny shards of glass.

The unbreakable opposition of the black and white kingdoms was symbolized with two kings in opposition on a 3x3 chessboard in another cloud. Snippets from the future showed up in the next few clouds. Jake stood in the ruins of a burning house. A dragon lusus swooped by a volcano.

And then Jane was standing in her tower on Prospit's moon, wearing the golden pajamas of the light planet. She peered out the window, looking up at the brightness of Skaia. This, yet again, was in another cloud.

But apparently this view of Jane looking out her window was the present, because once again, she'd woken up on the moon of Prospit, without any recollection of how she'd fallen asleep. She thought she'd been going outside to get the mail. She couldn't remember.

The moon was presently eclipsing Skaia. From her fanciful dream room atop her golden tower, she had seen many remarkable things in the clouds. Things which she could not explain. But against all better judgement, she had a feeling that what she was fondly regarding could very well have been some sort of miracle.

The miracle of a new beginning.

A dark shadow loomed ominously over Jane and she turned just in time to see a very unwelcome visitor with a knife in his hand…

A black carapacian hand jammed the knife into the center of her torso, right underneath her breasts. She fell over, dead.

_Another coffin clogger bites the dust_, thought the murderer. _Two down, two to go._

Jane attempted to switch the narrative to view Jack Noir. But Jane was too dead at the moment to do so. Jack Noir just switched it himself instead.

He kicked Jane's red baking chest out of the way and deployed his war chest. He was a busy bureaucrat. The clock was ticking, and time was dead kids.

He pulled a pocket watch from the chest and checked the time. The moment was rapidly approaching. He was going to show these alabaster sons of bitches how a cold war was _done_. He couldn't wait to read it in their papers. "The Maid is dead. Our Life is pathetic, blah blah blah." Or somesuch monotone drivel overheard during one of their pointless, weepy cadaver parades. There would be no mistaking it this time. No servant would discover the body and inform the queen that Prospit's remaining hero had passed in her sleep, peacefully and mysteriously. When the clock struck twelve, no one in this wretched kingdom would have any doubt who was calling the shots here. Noir was gonna bring this whole goddamn ball down.

He touched base with his administration's top powdermonkey, none other than Dersite bumbler extraordinaire, the Courtyard Droll. He asked if CD was done rigging the tower to blow. He said, "you bet." Noir said good, over. But CD muttered something over the radio Jack didn't quite catch. Jack asked what it was. CD replied, "oh, nothing boss." Jack said, "out with it!" CD asked, "isn't this cheating? Assassinating the heroes like this before the war's even really begun?" Noir said, "what do you care, just follow your orders." He said, "oh of course, no question, I just thought it was against the rules or something." Noir said it was all fair game now that the kingdom was under new management. The new boss wasn't opposed to taking some shrewd tactical shortcuts. Jack liked the cut of her jib. The Droll said he supposed he couldn't complain. Her policy toward elaborate hats seemed to be as lenient as the old queen's. Jack said, "will you shut up about the hats?" CD said it was probably because she wore the most grand and luxurious fluffy hat he'd ever seen. Jack said he didn't think that was a hat. He thought it was something called "hair." The Courtyard Droll says "oh."

"Now quit yapping and follow your damn orders!" Jack yelled into the intercom.

"Okay, but it still just feels wrong," CD said quietly.

"What does?" Jack asked.

"I don't know, just something about feeding that poor sleeping boy all those deadly peanuts just felt wrong."

"I don't care if it felt like a fucking full-body massage, just get those bombs ready to blow, over and out."

He turned off the intercom and was about to put it in the war chest, when something registered in his mind. He lifted it to his ear again.

"Wait. You fed him what?"

"The intelligence report I had said the kid wouldn't take well to peanuts. So I snuck in there with a whole bag of them. You know, like the kind from circuses? I ate most of them because they were delicious, and as far as I know, aren't poisonous to most everybody else. But I did save a few to get the job done, because I am a professional who always carries out my orders.

"It's not easy feeding a sleeping boy some peanuts. I had to work extra hard to put them in his mouth and then use his hands to make his mouth chew up the nuts. But mission accomplished nonetheless. You should be pleased to know those nuts were super deadly! Though to be fair, I don't really know if he died from the poison, or just choked on a bunch of barely-chewed peanut bits."

"You know what else is super deadly?" Noir asked. "Knives. Sharp deadly knives you stick in peoples' soft torsos to make them bleed until they die." He didn't have anything to say about that.

This entire time, a weird sort of glowing blue energy had been rising from Jane, but Jack had been too busy dealing with this clown's bullshit to notice.

"Forget it," Jack said, "what's done is done. The Prospitian heroes are dead, and that's all that matters. Just be ready to detonate at the appointed time."

"Roger that," CD said. "Are there any more orders after that? What about the other two? The ones on our moon? And most importantly, is there any particular snack that is poisonous to them?"

"Forget about those two," Noir said. "They're much trickier to deal with. I've got the Dignitary working on it now. You'll get a report from him soon when you return. I wouldn't have even bothered leaving in the first place, but I wanted to make the trip personally and stick it to all these self-righteous, Skaia-bathing goody twoshoeses myself." Suddenly, he noticed the body. "Hang on. Something's happening here. I gotta go."

The carapacian inspected the glowing body. This couldn't be good. He'd better hit the road and blow this joint, before the dead broad did some sorta…

_Lifey thing._

He packed up the war chest, deployed a transportalizer, and transportalized away.

The sphere at the top of the tower began to become inundated with the power of the life aspect. Jack, now in the safety of his home planet, Derse, looked at his watch and counted down the last few seconds. "And… NOW!"

An explosion shattered the base of the Prospitian tower, forming cracks all along the tall structure. Nearby, a mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal, blending in with the blue and white of Skaia. The ball dropped to the base and bounced off. It bounced through several areas of the moon town, alarming many white prospitians in the vicinity. It eventually landed in a town center, breaking off a golden spire. And then the ball itself exploded, sending gold shards flying, scattered, throughout the sky.


	155. Book 9 Chapter 13: Act 6 Act 2

Chapter 13: Act 6 Act 2

Jane lay dreaming on the ground, just around the corner from where her Dad was staring alarmed at the burnt remnants of the exploded mailbox. She sat up suddenly.

What the heck had just happened? Oh, now she remembered. The mailbox had been boobytrapped! But she'd survived somehow, and gotten knocked out. How had she gotten all the way over here?

She peeked around the corner, where her Dad was stamping out the flames. He seemed just as dumbfounded as Jade was, and more than a little distraught. Had Lil' Seb whisked her away in the nick of time? Could that little bunny really move that fast? Where was he?

She supposed she should let her Dad know she was okay. But it had been so long since she'd enjoyed such a massive prankster's gambit in exchange with the old man. It was hard not to bask in it, if only for a few seconds.

She turned around and… there in the tree was the elusive God Cat again. She guessed that explained it. Just look at that aloof little bastard. He didn't give a shit about anything, did he? She guessed she should feel grateful toward him for saving her life, but she knew he was just as likely to rescue her from an explosion as he was to randomly teleport her across town, forcing her to call her Dad and ask for a ride home, while she spent all day standing in some random field in the pouring rain while she waited hours for her Dad to come and pick her up after he got lost because he'd plugged the wrong place into google maps.

Jane considered calling GCat down from the tree, but even if she were inclined to do that, he wouldn't respond to that name. She was pretty sure he didn't have a name. She and her friends just called him GCat for lack of anything else to call him. Everybody had opinions, but nobody could agree on a good name. She thought he probably didn't want a name. He was just a feisty stray who liked to meddle with Jane's life, then vanish for weeks at a time.

Uh oh! Looked like the jig was up, yet again. Her Dad had spotted her. Was the jig ever _anywhere_ but up? That was what she wanted to know. She felt about having left in suspense for even a moment. Her gambit got totally rocked by a guilty conscience.

"Get inside this instant!" her Dad exclaimed, so she got inside this instant and marched up the stairs back into her bedroom. Dad hadn't said as much, but it was a safe bet she was now permagrounded for life.

Jane heard a loud thump just outside her door. Her Dad had wrenched the bathtub from the ground and plopped it in front of the door.

Well, as long as she'd just gotten done paying the piper, she might as well get busy eating all this goddamn crow. Oh so much of the stuff had gathered on her plate. Her bffsy appeared to be online now. It looked like the girl had sent her the "hacked" file while she'd been away.

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began bothering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **at 1:11 **

**GG: Heyyy.**

**GG: Ahem.**

**GG: Ro-Lal?**

**TG: oopos sry**

**TG: was havin important chats**

**GG: Oh?**

**GG: With whom?**

**TG: w yet anather ineligible fuckin bachelor who elfe i have to talk 2**

**GG: Yeah.**

**GG: Um... which one, precisely?**

**TG: di stri**

**TG: insmufferable prick mf'r extroariadinnere**

**TG: *lol wow**

**TG: *extradinner**

**TG: *heheh yum**

**GG: If the chats and surplus dinners were truly important, I wouldn't want to interrupt.**

**TG: tchhhh**

**TG: of course not jus the usual bs**

**TG: chats with u always get precedance anyways**

**TG: unless this is more of u givin me shit about not believing me on all my sick tru facts**

**GG: Actually,**

**GG: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.**

**TG: i c**

**TG: go on...**

**GG: You see, I was just the target of another assassination attempt.**

**TG: **

**TG: fuck*!**

**GG: Two, in fact! One here in the real world, as I attempted to retrieve the mail.**

**GG: Luckily it was thwarted by a certain cat who shall remain nameless.**

**TG: hehehe oh man**

**TG: god cat**

**TG: bbf**

**TG: *good**

**TG: *bff**

**TG: *no wait**

**TG: *god wuz right**

**TG: fuckit**

**TG: *both spellins r true**

**GG: But in the process of being rescued from the explosion, I was knocked unconscious.**

**GG: And in my dream, there was another assassination attempt.**

**GG: This one I believe was successful!**

**TG: uhoh**

**GG: I'm becoming convinced that our "dream selves" are being picked off by violent hooligans.**

**TG: shit**

**TG: hooliginas**

**TG: * ...**

**TG: * yes**

**TG: but i think u mean**

**TG: batterwitch thugs**

**GG: Perhaps.**

**GG: The one who accosted me was a knife-wielding lunatic.**

**GG: And it's reasonable to deduce the same forces were responsible for Jake's death on Prospit as well.**

**GG: It looks like we are in the clutches of an actual caper. A real life mystery!**

**GG: Which under different circumstances would be quite exciting.**

**GG: But the truth is, I think we are all in great danger!**

**TG: well fuck**

**TG: i guess its time to take this shit up to RED ALART**

**TG: to where its been for like fuckin ever jane**

**GG: Yeah, yeah. :p**

**GG: But that wasn't all there was to the dream.**

**GG: Shortly before I was stabbed, I had a rather long gander at Skaia.**

**TG: a gander u say**

**GG: Yes.**

**TG: how good a gander**

**GG: I would say a pretty substantial gander.**

**TG: ok**

**TG: and during this totaly massive gander u snagged**

**TG: what did you see**

**GG: I saw things in the clouds.**

**TG: things**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: Things.**

**TG: wut things**

**GG: Things happening in the future, I think.**

**GG: Many events pertaining to us. All of us, and other people I didn't recognize.**

**GG: It was a bit overwhelming.**

**GG: It made me feel small. Insignificant, relative to whatever it is we're about to involve ourselves with.**

**GG: And honestly...**

**GG: It made me feel pretty foolish too.**

**TG: foolish**

**TG: why foofish**

**TG: *sdjhf**

**GG: I began to wonder why I ever had the audacity to think I know much of anything about the world we live in or the journey we're about to take.**

**GG: Or to think I could ever rule anything out.**

**GG: I have a feeling that whatever I saw, it means you've been telling the truth all along.**

**GG: About everything.**

**GG: And I'm starting to feel like a complete idiot for doubting you.**

**TG: aw man :(**

**GG: I've been one great big horse's caboose, and I think you're owed an apology.**

**GG: Do you think you can forgive me?**

**TG: jane**

**TG: damn**

**TG: ur makin me feel like shit here**

**GG: Why?**

**TG: uuuun**

**TG: eh no reason**

**TG: just uh**

**TG: hey did u dl the game file i sent yet**

**GG: I did.**

**GG: And at this point, I guess I have no choice but to use it. I guess you were a step ahead of me yet again.**

**TG: why**

**GG: Because the one in the mail detonated in my most recent assassination attempt.**

**TG: WHAT**

**TG: of fuck those HACKS**

**TG: the old explobing game trick woh would stoup to such lowbrow shegnannagings like that**

**TG: *somany sweet typos**

**GG: :B**

**TG: that witch just mafes me FUCKINK FRUIOUS sometites**

**GG: Hoo hoo! The tactic was quite underhanded, yes.**

**TG: yeaaah**

**TG: uh so**

**TG: what were we talking about again**

**TG: soory im just worked up ovr it**

**GG: I don't blame you.**

**GG: Where we were, by my estimation, was a place wherein I was about to awkwardly attempt to swallow a helping of humble pie.**

**GG: To somehow make it up to you for my years of stubborn mistrust.**

**TG: hey jane**

**TG: wasnt that a bunch a splip infinitives...**

**GG: Hm?**

**TG: *split**

**TG: to awkwardly attemt**

**TG: to somehow make it up !**

**GG: Oh!**

**TG: lul so busted**

**GG: Oh gosh, what a doofus.**

**GG: You see? I clearly don't have all the answers!**

**GG: I really had some nerve challenging anyone, on practically any subject.**

**TG: dont beat urself up too bad we both know that rule is bullshit anyway**

**TG: you hold yourself to too high a standard and those standards kinda leak out and start gettin applied to other people i guess sometimes**

**TG: you really dont have to apologize janey or eat humble pip or anything all youve got to do is maybe not be such a huge tightass all the time**

**GG: That's fair. But I would still like to make a gesture.**

**GG: Even if it's one partially motivated by self interest, seeing as I clearly have much to learn.**

**TG: ?**

**GG: I would like to give you a free pass for a day.**

**GG: It is good for twenty-four solid hours of absolute credulity from your best friend.**

**TG: ...**

**GG: :B**

**TG: ok waitin 4 u to say wtf youre exacly talkin about**

**GG: It means that starting now, whatever you tell me, I will have to believe you.**

**GG: I promise!**

**TG: o rly**

**GG: Yes.**

**TG: ooooooooooh...**

**GG: Um,**

**GG: Are you there?**

**GG: Ro?**

**TG: (shh)**

**TG: (thisis a dramantic pause calm ur tits)**

**GG: Oh.**

**GG: Hmm.**

**GG: Exactly how dramatic are we talking, here?**

**GG: Shall I go retrieve a magazine?**

**TG: RLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?**

**GG: Sigh.**

**TG: kay then**

**TG: what do you want me 2 say**

**TG: for you to autobelieve in**

**GG: Hmm. **

**GG: Everything, I guess. I'd like to get completely up to speed, if possible. **

**TG: yeah**

**TG: but**

**TG: im pretty sure i already said everything**

**TG: want me to just**

**TG: sayit all again...**

**GG: Some reiteration certainly couldn't hurt. **

**GG: But this time I won't work so hard to sift the fantastical from the plausible. **

**TG: so like**

**TG: stuffs i said about my mom or**

**GG: Sure. **

**TG: ok well fors tarters**

**TG: she really is the notable author u know**

**GG: Oh, I know that! **

**GG: That was always something I had no trouble believing, considering the public documentation even reclusive celebrities receive. **

**GG: And frankly, the family resemblance is obvious. **

**TG: yup**

**GG: Anyway, it would be disingenuous if I found your relation far fetched, since we're all apparently related to noteworthy people. It's just one of those funny things. **

**TG: true dat**

**TG: then**

**TG: what else can i talk about**

**TG: like her occolt majyyks and stuff**

**TG: because i dont know a whole lot about the mayjjykks**

**TG: besides th fact that theyre all real as shit can get**

**GG: Maybe we should start at the very beginning. **

**TG: ok**

**TG: but the begninning was a hecka long time a go**

**GG: Do you remember around when we first started talking? **

**TG: y**

**GG: And you claimed you were the one making my pumpkins disappear? **

**TG: hahAHA**

**TG: *aha**

**TG: y :3**

**GG: You later proceeded to try to prove to me that what you were saying was true. **

**GG: But none of your attempts thereafter would ever bear any fruit, pardon the pun. **

**TG: k but it aint pardoned because a pumpkin aint even a fruit**

**TG: its a big orange porch thing for holloween numbnuts**

**GG: Yes, I know what pumpkins are. It was a joke, silly. **

**GG: What I'm trying to say is, in thinking back to those days, when you couldn't verify your claims, it made me think the whole thing was a big ruse. **

**GG: And I think this unfortunately began a pattern of mistrust. It was always hard to rule out the possibility that you could be joking about other things as well. **

**TG: yeah**

**TG: but its not my fault i mean appeafrification tech is notoriously unreliable**

**TG: remember**

**TG: i xplained this**

**TG: i cant just always appearify stuff from you any time i want**

**TG: i can only take stuff im "allowed" 2 which is pmuch random**

**TG: like stuff that by takin id be messing up the time line cause that stuff is supposed to be there and serve some funciton it hasnt served yet**

**TG: so most of the time if i try all i get is slime on my end**

**TG: but pumpins 4 some reason are a lil easier to take i dunno why**

**TG: like they are specifically and arbitrorily unhinged from spacetime**

**TG: is spooooko**

**TG: *ky**

**GG: I couldn't begin to explain the science behind such a technology either. **

**GG: But I guess the important thing is, regardless of how or why it works, this is a story you continue to stand by? **

**GG: That is, you are still taking credit for the mysterious disappearance of all those pumpkins I grew years ago? **

**TG: f yeah**

**TG: i so gonked your gaurds jane**

**GG: ... **

**GG: Did you gank them when my gourd was down? **

**TG: * yes**

**TG: * yes i did exectly that**

**TG: snatched ur patch sucka!**

**TG: hehe**

**GG: Very well! **

**GG: Then I believe that is what happened. **

**GG: That's all I am trying to say here. **

**TG: so**

**TG: ok**

**TG: u believe that**

**TG: now what?**

**GG: Now... nothing, really. **

**GG: You may continue to tell me anything you would like with the confidence that I won't doubt you. **

**GG: So by all means, go ahead! **

**TG: ok gotit**

**TG: so jane**

**TG: whas tit feel like 2 get stabbed by a bab guy**

**GG: Oh, come on! **

**TG: huh**

**GG: That is a question! **

**TG: yeah so**

**GG: It's not any sort of revelation, or statement for me to take at face value. **

**GG: Dadburn it. This isn't that difficult! **

**GG: And for the record, it's not great. **

**TG: whats not**

**GG: GETTING STABBED BY A BAD GUY. IT ISN'T ALL THAT PEACHY. **

**TG: yeah i bet**

**TG: musta suuuucked**

**TG: or**

**TG: dream sucked idk**

**GG: So, you're not in the mood to tell me things? **

**TG: no i am**

**TG: im psyched about u wanting to believe me and all**

**TG: but part of me still feels like i should prove it**

**TG: like i tried to once**

**TG: it was just frustratin i mean im a sciestist i should be able 2 prove my shit**

**TG: like**

**TG: subject my claims to the fuckin madrigogs**

**GG: Um... **

**GG: Madrigogs? **

**TG: *mad rigors**

**TG: u know what i mean?**

**GG: Yeah, I understand. **

**TG: i mean trust between friends is sweet and everything but i dont know if i wanta be the repipient of like a butt load of pity believins**

**GG: It's not about pity! **

**GG: It's more like a gesture I'm trying to make. **

**GG: Or maybe that's not quite right. **

**GG: It has more to do with setting things right for myself than making it up to you. **

**GG: Does that make sense? **

**TG: ...**

**GG: Shoot, I'm doing such a terrible job explaining this! :( **

**TG: (patiently sips bev rage)**

**GG: The bottom line is, I WANT to believe the things you say now. **

**GG: That's all you need to know! **

**TG: ok thats good**

**TG: i want that 2 buuuuuuut**

**TG: i still wanna prove it irregardlessly!`**

**GG: *Shudders uncontrollably at "word" usage.* **

**TG: whoops sry**

**TG: * still WANT TO prove it irregaurdlesally**

**TG: ^ all fixed tght as fuck**

**TG: so u down for one last try**

**GG: Sure! **

**TG: k lets get busay**

**TG: what you want 2c me disappearify**


	156. Book 9 Chapter 14: Pony Pals

Chapter 14: Pony Pals

**GG: I don't know.**

**GG: The baking chest, maybe?**

**TG: too big**

**TG: i got size restrictions here**

**TG: bigger stuff takes huge amount sof power to swipe**

**TG: so this gizmo i have has a built in size cap**

**TG: like somethin as big as you for insance**

**TG: i cant take**

**TG: believe me ive triiiied**

**GG: D'aw.**

**GG: That's sweet of you, I guess?**

**TG: was totes sweet of me to try and steal you for the hangouts but it dint work becuse of BUULBSHIT**

**TG: but i can take stuff somewhat smaller**

**GG: What are the restrictions?**

**TG: just dump your shit on the floor**

**TG: tell me everything thats there**

Jane emptied her sylladex.

**GG: Well, what immediately catches my attention is this enormous book.**

**GG: I wonder how it squares with your size restriction?**

**TG: wut book**

**GG: My Unabridged Sassacre's!**

**GG: It's a very rare edition, and a precious family heirloom, so I don't know if it would make an ideal candidate for the journey.**

**TG: no no r u kidding that shit is perfect**

**TG: should be just the right size like big but just barkley not too big**

**GG: But what if it gets damaged!**

**TG: pshhhhh itll be set fire**

**GG: Oh! Silly me, what was I even worried about!**

**TG: errr**

**TG: ahahaha man**

**TG: * sent**

**TG: ** fine**

**GG: That wasn't even a Freudian slip.**

**GG: Doctor Freud just tripped over an errant phallus, tumbled down a flight of stairs, and broke his neck.**

**GG: And then his cigar exploded comically in his face.**

**TG: ffffFROLOFL**

**TG: jane ur funy**

**TG: (omg still lolig that word boner i made ooomg)**

**GG: It was spectacular.**

**TG: but 4 real i wont set ur fuckin joke book on fire jane**

**TG: it doesnt even do that even if it goes the worst kinds of wrog**

**GG: Couldn't we send Wise Guy instead?**

**GG: At least it can be easily replaced.**

**TG: jane**

**GG: ?**

**TG: jaaanae**

**GG: HM?**

**TG: FUCK wise guy**

**TG: ist would be SO LAME ass a giguinea pig book**

**TG: goddam who m i kidding i dont even no how to spell giguinea pig whilst sober**

**TG: coud be sober as a churchchrist and lookat it... giunae... guinea... idk shit looks intrinsnically fucked typographically speakin**

**TG: sooo FUCK that wrod and FUCK those parcicultar pigs**

**GG: No, I reject your proposal that we "fuck" Wise Guy, whatever that actually means, or for that matter, the spelling of any adorable rodents named after African nations.**

**TG: jane**

**TG: are u being a tightass again**

**GG: I don't... think so?**

**TG: we talked about this**

**GG: About what?**

**TG: about you benig a tightass**

**GG: I am not being a tightass!**

**TG: janey**

**TG: it seems 2 me**

**TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass**

**TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane**

**GG: Oh god dammit.**

**GG: Take the book! What do I care!**

**TG: yessss thast the spirpit**

**TG: now u are believin w petrol**

**GG: I fail to see what offering up a priceless book for your wildly capricious science experiment has to do with my resolution to be less stingy with my beliefs, but alright.**

**TG: haha will u relax abt the book**

**TG: im only just teasing cause theres like practically a 100 percant chance this wont wonk like alwasy**

**TG: * wort work like always**

**TG: sooooo**

**TG: ready/**

**GG: Yes, let's just get on with it.**

RL attempted to appearify the book and it vanished from its spot atop Jane's baking chest!

**GG: It worked!**

**GG: The book is gone!**

**TG: oh no**

**TG: aaaawwwww shit**

**GG: What is it?**

**TG: shit shit shitsh it**

**GG: Did you receive the book?**

**TG: shoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit**

**TG: SHITSHITSHITHISTHITSHITSTHI**

**GG: Don't tell me.**

**GG: The book is damaged somehow, isn't it?**

**TG: ffuuuuuuuuuuuk :(**

**GG: Sigh. Is it at least SOMEWHAT intact?**

**GG: Or was it completely incinerated in transit?**

**GG: I just KNEW we should have used Wise Guy. I can't believe this.**

**TG: dont worry**

**TG: the book itself is topes fine :***

**TG: *:9**

**TG: *dsjf :(**

**GG: Oh.**

**GG: Then what's the problem?**

**TG: fffff**

**TG: im so stupid :(**

**TG: so stupoid so stupud soos tupob :(((**

**GG: Will you tell me what happened?**

**TG: gotta go bbl**

**TG: well talk abt important stuffs l8r**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: ps jane ty 4 believin me**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: OH SHIT**

**TG: on last thing jane**

**TG: DO NOT RUN THEFILE I SENT U BEFORE I GET BACK**

**TG: i need 2**

**TG: uh**

**TG: just dont w/o me ok**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: fuuuuuuuuiiiuickl :'(**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Jade wondered what her deal was. It was always something with her. She looked at her computer and again noticed the game file, beckoning her to play. But Ro-Lal had warned her not to until she got back. Phooey.

Oh hey, she just noticed her slightly abridged edition of Sassacre's over there on the floor. She guessed she could have sent the much less valuable copy and saved a lot of arguing. But what was done was done. There was more reading material sprinkled about, too. She clearly had some time to kill before her bffsy got back from her emergency. Might as well do some casual reading.

But there was nothing casual about hoisting even an abridged Sassacre's up to her lap, so forget that. There was always Game Grl. But the articles were all a bit vapid, and in her view, somewhat demeaning to female gamers, and women in general. She and RoLal were convinced the whole thing was just written by the same odious d-bags who wrote Game Bro. Which was exactly what made it "good 4 the ell you ellz" (her words).

Speaking of bros, and the games they played…

Jane looked at the book on the floor at her feet. Pony Pals: Detective Pony, a novel by Jeanne Betancourt. On the cover, in orange ink, was written "**Hell. Fucking. Yes. -DS**". She'd read this a million times already. It was one of her favorite gifts. Another gander at it sure couldn't hurt.

She turned to the table of contents.

**Amazing chapter titles.**

**Potentially the TOC for greatest**

**book ever written.**

**But Betancourt shat out this nightmare instead.**

_Contents_

A Visitor

Screaming Ponies Mother FUCK.

Danger! !

Flames

Missing

The Fight

Blood in the Snow Holy shit.

Homeless

Three Ideas

Acorn's Shadow: A Pony Broods

The Final Freakout

APPENDIX A: OFFICIAL BODYCOUNT

At the bottom of the page was red paint made to look like blood with little white horse shoe imprints in it.

The header of the next page was a rope with the number 1 in it, where Di-stri had drawn a horse to make the rope look like a noose.

_A Visitor_

Anna (Almost a good name for you. Not sure why.) Harley (Dumb name. Sounds like product of speech impediment by imbecile.) came out her back door and ran across her backyard. There were two ponies in the paddock behind Anna's house and yard. "Hey ponies," Anna called out. "We're going for a trail ride," as she prepared the noose adroitly.

Anna's pony, Acorn, was standing in the pony shed. The other pony, Lil' Sebastian, belonged to Anna's next-door neighbor and Pony Pal, The City of Pawnee, Indiana.

Lil Seb came over to Anna, but Acorn stayed in the shed. Anna thought that Acorn was trying to hide from her. He liked to play I'm Scared Shitless of My Master.

Jane turned to the next page. Along the side, Strider had written "Man, screw handwriting. This is easier." He had pasted words and phrases over with text he had typed up himself.

Anna went into the shed. Acorn wasn't fucking around. He was staring at a fluffy black cat with white paws taking a dump on his favorite saddle. The cat was staring back at Acorn, shitting like tomorrow wasn't a thing.

"Hey, kitty," said Anna. "What are you doing here?" she asked, the act of defecation oddly foreign to the girl.

Pawnee came into the shed behind Anna. "Whose cat is that?" the rural township inquired.

"I don't know," answered Anna. "It's not a pony, so who seriously gives a fuck."

Suddenly a mouse ran from behind the feed bin. The contrived incident caused some extra shit to happen. Acorn was like, oh hell no. Not the fuck in my paddock, bitch. Acorn nickered as if to say, "(Vile slurs omitted)"

The cat leaped back up on the straw and curled himself into a ball. Acorn took a few steps toward the cat and crushed it to death with his magnificent hooves. Acorn nickered triumphantly.

"That's so cute!" murmured the fictional midwestern borough.

Pam Crandal rode another god damned pony up to the shed. She said hi to her Pony Pals and the whole crew beamed complacently about their bullshit horse club.

Anna pointed at the cat. "Acorn has a new kind of meat he appears to tolerate!" she exploded.

Later, about halfway through the book, rather than see the gag through to the bitter end, Strider had begun pasting over entire pages of original text with his own completely rewritten version of the story, while keeping all the chapter titles. His revision was a tough, emotionally draining read. But it was cathartic, in all the worst ways possible. He tended to get carried away with his projects.

Jane tried to distract herself with Strider's literature, but it was no use. Her curiosity about the game was overwhelming. Lalonde could be gone for hours, for all she knew. Surely there couldn't be any harm in just installing the file, could there?

She looked at her desktop, where a shortcut had been created to SBURB CLIENT. ~ATH. That was an odd extension for a file. She didn't think she'd ever seen it before. It didn't even seem to install anything. It just ran a small application when she executed it. The top line read "SBURB version 0.0.0" and just below was the Betty Crocker fork symbol. Below that was a line that read "Press [ENTER] when ready." It looked like she was just one keypress away from playing. Did she dare?

Apparently, Jane did dare. She pressed the enter button and waited. Suddenly, pink text showed up at the bottom of the SBURB client.

**pst**, it read.

**hey jane**

**step away from ur compuner**

***puter**

**:3**

_What?_ Jane wondered. She jumped to her feet and stepped back and then, with a loud "BOOM!" her computer burst apart, sending her crashing through the window and out onto her couch, which it looked like GCAT had appearified in the tree in her backyard, just above her tire swing. The cat was perched on the arm of the couch right next to where she'd landed. God she wished stuff would stop exploding.

Di-Stri began pestering her, so she donned her tiaratop and answered.


	157. Book 9 Chapter 15: Playing SBURB Anyway

Chapter 15: Playing SBURB Anyway

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **at 1:43 **

**TT: I should probably warn you.**

**GG: About what?**

**GG: Yet another exploding game trap?**

**TT: Well shit.**

**TT: She already sent it?**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: But to be fair, she warned me not to run it.**

**TT: That's weird.**

**GG: Why?**

**GG: She was probably just trying to protect me from the Batterwitch's latest assassination attempt.**

**GG: Sheesh, I can't believe you all finally got me saying "Batterwitch" too. Who would have thought?**

**TT: No, it's weird because Lalonde was the one who rigged it to explode.**

**TT: It's a bogus copy she coded herself. The real game file she downloaded is totally legit.**

**GG: What? Really?**

**TT: Got it right here myself. Checked it out.**

**TT: File's fuckin' clean as a whistle. **

**TT: A whistle that overcame a major substance abuse problem. Trying to get its life back on track.**

**TT: The whistle is holding down a steady job now. It's taking things one day at a time.**

**TT: Eat a fuckin' dinner off that whistle.**

**GG: ...**

**TT: Ok I'll shut up.**

**GG: Why would she do that?**

**TT: To accomplish exactly what it sounds like got accomplished.**

**TT: You narrowly averting the "fake" threat to your life, then getting your shit all hot and bothered at the Baroness over it.**

**TT: Then you abdicate your heiress throne or something, and give up on this game as a big fuck you to the genocidal cake alien.**

**GG: But...**

**GG: If she felt so strongly that I shouldn't play, she could have told me.**

**GG: Or, told me more forcefully, I guess. I would have listened!**

**GG: Maybe.**

**GG: :(**

**TT: She's working through some problems right now.**

**TT: Really doesn't want us to play that game.**

**TT: So I guess this was the insane stunt she whipped up to derail the inevitable.**

**TT: Kinda reckless for my tastes.**

**TT: One of the above statements is a fucking lie, are you gutsy enough a gumshoe to spot it.**

**GG: Maybe she was justified in taking such an extreme measure. I sure hadn't been taking her seriously.**

**GG: She even warned me not to play it until she got back, but I went ahead anyway because I was too impatient!**

**GG: Actually...**

**GG: Now that I think about it, she was probably going to disarm it or such when she got back, seeing as her objective had essentially been accomplished already by an ACTUAL assassination attempt.**

**GG: After that, I told her I would believe her about everything.**

**GG: That probably made her feel guilty about setting me up, so she told me not to touch the file until she returned.**

**TT: Sounds about right.**

**GG: But then I went ahead and ran it anyway like a doofus.**

**GG: I think she just wanted to be believed.**

**GG: Shucks.**

**GG: Am I an awful friend?**

**TT: Nope.**

**GG: I'm not so sure about that.**

**TT: Well, before you go taking a massive sad crap all over your friendship credentials, consider this.**

**TT: Only she could manage to blow up your computer with a nasty deathloop virus and somehow make YOU be the one to feel shitty about it.**

**GG: Heh!**

**GG: You're right.**

**TT: Or maybe you're the one who uniquely fills the predicate in that construction.**

**TT: I don't god damn know.**

**TT: Your friendship with her is a half drunken three-legged relay race, and the baton is a stick of dynamite.**

**TT: And you two are the only ones on the track. Me and English are watching from under the bleachers, high-fiving constantly.**

**GG: I guess that's a pretty apt metaphor, even though it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense.**

**TT: Yes.**

**GG: I just wanted to start playing the game so badly!**

**GG: Now more than ever. I have reason to believe the stakes have increased dramatically.**

**TT: They have.**

**TT: And they will continue to.**

**GG: I think our dream counterparts are all marked for death, and if we are to stand a chance, we must move quickly.**

**TT: I agree.**

**TT: Just heard about your assassination on Prospit.**

**GG: Oh, she told you already?**

**TT: Who, RL? No.**

**TT: I read it in a newspaper.**

**GG: Um.**

**GG: Are you being ironic again?**

**TT: No.**

**TT: I just picked up one of the sleazy Dersite tabloid rags.**

**TT: Sometimes they'll feature some pretty entertaining gossip about the royalty or whatever.**

**TT: But they're primarily dedicated to smearing Prospit. The press had a field day with the deaths of the Page and the Maid.**

**GG: Dersite? You mean the other planet? The evil one?**

**TT: Derse, yeah.**

**TT: Not evil, necessarily. That's a bit simplistic. The kingdom represents the forces of opposition to Prospit and the four heroes. Us.**

**GG: What did the story say about me?**

**TT: "DEAD"**

**TT: Was the big ass headline.**

**TT: Then a photo of your dead body lying there, followed by a lot of bullshit slander.**

**TT: It was also reported your tower exploded. They couldn't find the body to give it a proper funeral. Probably incinerated.**

**GG: I didn't realize you had woken up in the game already.**

**GG: When did that happen?**

**TT: Dunno. Years ago. Don't really recall.**

**GG: I guess I shouldn't act surprised you didn't tell me. What with all your highfalutin secrecy.**

**TT: It's hard to explain.**

**TT: I was never technically asleep there. I was awake without realizing it.**

**TT: Then I realized it.**

**TT: And I sorta learned how to be awake there while awake here too.**

**TT: I am awake there now, albeit pretending to sleep.**

**GG: Pretending? Why?**

**TT: For one thing, it gets a bit distracting managing two alert bodies in different places at the same time.**

**TT: And for another thing, it's better to maintain appearances.**

**TT: Everyone on Derse believes their heroes haven't woken yet.**

**TT: Though they are both rumored to be very active sleep walkers.**

**TT: Which is half true. She can't ever seem to sleep still. Goes off wandering for days.**

**TT: Sometimes I've gotta go round her up from some godforsaken cranny of the abyss. Drag her tipsy ass home, tuck her back in.**

**TT: Maybe I'll chain her leg to the bed if she doesn't wake up soon.**

**TT: Though in light of the recent assassinations, her slumbering attraction to the void probably works to her advantage. No one ever knows where she is.**

**GG: I'm still not sure I'm following.**

**GG: Why are you maintaining the appearance of being asleep? On Prospit, it seemed as if the people there regarded me and Jake very highly. Like celebrated figures.**

**GG: Is it not the same way on Derse?**

**TT: No, it's essentially the same situation here.**

**TT: They glorify us the same way. Almost like we're their purple pajama'd team mascots. Even though they will completely oppose our objective when all is said and done.**

**TT: Kinda ridiculous, really.**

**TT: But even so, I think it's better to lay low, not alert anyone to my...**

**TT: Alertness. **

**TT: That way I can sneak around and gather information. Do some reconnaissance before shit starts getting real.**

**GG: In other words, read newspapers, get a feel for "the word on the street," and such?**

**GG: As might a detective? :B**

**TT: Yeah, among other things. Like keep an eye on agent activity.**

**GG: You mean... secret agents?**

**TT: No, more like high ranking officials.**

**TT: Judging from your knife wound, I'm betting you were the victim of the Archagent himself.**

**TT: You should feel honored, I guess.**

**GG: Who's that?**

**TT: A guy named Noir.**

**TT: Real nasty dude. Crazy ambitious. Loves knives.**

**TT: If we're going to stand any chance of winning this thing,**

**TT: I've got this nagging suspicion we're gonna have to take him down first.**

**TT: And a feeling that nags equally,**

**TT: Is it ain't gonna be easy.**

GCAT teleported Jane and her couch onto her balcony.

**GG: I guess I should find all that ominous.**

**GG: But I cannot lie, sir.**

**GG: Nothing you have said has made me one iota less excited to begin this adventure!**

**GG: Those dastardly agents can try to assassinate me all they like. I just want to get started!**

**TT: That's the most awesome way to be, Jane.**

**TT: And it is again why you will be our leader.**

**TT: (Sort of.)**

**GG: Right.**

**GG: Still fixing to pull the strings for us, per your extensive puppet metaphor?**

**TT: Pulling them as we speak.**

**TT: I am having Lil Seb install a real copy of the client on another computer in your house.**

**TT: A clean computer, not any of this BCCorp garbage you tend to accumulate.**

**TT: I'll have to insist from this point onward, you employ neutral devices.**

**TT: That shit fucks with your head.**

**GG: Hrm.**

**GG: Alrighty, I think I can make that concession.**

**TT: Once it's installed, I'll connect with you. I will be your server player.**

**TT: I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but some improvisation is in order.**

**TT: While you get the ball rolling, I'll try to talk some sense into that mercurial boozehound.**

**GG: Sounds like a plan.**

**GG: I do hope she comes around. It would be a bummer to play without her.**

**TT: She will.**

**GG: Say, do I even have any machines that survived the explosion besides this one?**

**TT: Do you even have any machines that don't inundate you with fucking Hamburger Helper ads and Guy Fieri's heinous propaganda?**

**GG: I guess not. :p**

**GG: Still, some nice things were surely destroyed.**

**GG: I think Detective Pony was caught in the blast.**

**GG: It's unlikely Acorn survived. :'(**

**TT: A fitting end to a life of moral compromise.**

**GG: So, since I'm apparently out of "neutral devices,"**

**GG: Which computer is Seb installing the file on?**

**TT: On your dad's computer downstairs.**

**TT: One in the study.**

**GG: Gotcha.**

**GG: My poor dad.**

**GG: He surely heard the explosion. I've put him through so much today.**

**GG: Oh no...**

**TT: What? **

**GG: I just had a dreadful thought.**

**GG: The kitchen is just below my room.**

**GG: What if he had begun baking his afternoon cake when my computer exploded?**

**TT: I wouldn't worry about it.**

**GG: Maybe I should go look? **

**GG: Though I'm a little afraid to. **

**TT: I think it'll take a lot more to kill that dude than a little falling debris.**

**TT: Trust me.**

Jane's Dad lay on the floor in the kitchen, covered in large, heavy portions of ceiling plaster. His hat had been blasted to the side and the pipe knocked out of his mouth. The cooking timer atop the oven buzzed and a cake popped out. He crawled out from beneath the ceiling chunks and stood there, mostly unscathed but very confused.

**GG: I hope so.**

**GG: The Crockers have something of a legacy when it comes to losing forebears in mysterious explosions.**

**GG: I would be so sad if I kept the tradition alive like this.**

**TT: The most you have to worry about is getting grounded back to the stone age.**

**TT: When you enter the session, he'll probably lock you up in a prison cell on Derse.**

**TT: Probably stick a huge safe in front of the bars for good measure.**

**TT: Now do me a favor and hop off the couch. **

**GG: Ok.**

She hopped off and looked at where Strider's red SBURB cursor was lifting the couch from the balcony.

**GG: What are you doing?**

**TT: Makin' room for something big.**

Jane watched as Di-Stri deployed some sort of mammoth instrument on her balcony. It was an Alchemiter, a fact of which she was unaware. It was just as well he had taken over for Ro-Lal. She probably would have destroyed half of Jane's house with that thing in her condition. But on the bright side, she was sure RL would have enjoyed a good nicker with her over the notion of DS "deploying his mammoth instrument". She wondered what the other girl could possibly be up to?

While she was at it, she also wondered what the deal was with this cagey treatment of their names. Di-Stri, Ro-Lal, DS, RL, Strider, Lalonde… It was all starting to get a bit silly. Each of their full names had eleven characters, and she had been dancing around all but two. Maybe it was time you were formally introduced to the last two characters.

Then again… this book is getting kind of long. In Book 10 perhaps?

To be continued in Book 10: Your Shit is Wrecked


	158. Book 10 Chapter 1 and UPDATE SCHEDULE

*sigh* I have taken to not working on the Homestuck novelization recently, so I'm going to start post chapters at a slow pace while I forge ahead. This slow pace means essentially regular updates: one chapter per update, every Tuesnort and Saddlerday (I am aware that was mildly obtuse. I apologize). Expect the updates at around 1:00 PM EST on Saturdays and 12:30 PM EST on Tuesdays.

But where doing this man; where making this hapen.

-Morn

* * *

Book 10: Your Shit is Wrecked

Chapter 1: Sleepwalk

A young lady stood in her room. Due to an incident involving an Appearifier, an unabridged copy of the book _Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery_, and a perfectly white cat, she would not be able to assist her bffsy Jane Crocker for some time. And due to the aggressive aconcurrence of all that takes place in paradox space, this incident had not happened yet.

But what _had_ happened yet was this young lady's 13th birthday. It had taken place almost three years ago, and on that date her placronym had been engraved. It had been engraved with eleven letters to be precise, nine of which are familiar to you (i.e. Ro-Lalonde). It couldn't hurt to peek at the engraving. I'm sure you've been dying to get the scoop on these last two mysterious characters.

We examine the placronym. The essential two characters are covered by a large black tail. Hey, get that damn cat outta of the way!

The cat moved its tail. Thank you, cat who is probably Jaspers. The final two chromosomic symbols had been released from their fluffy, twitching prison. X and Y.

Her name was Roxy Lalonde. God DAMN did she love wizards. She had a pile of stuffed ones to the side of her room across from the door. She wished and hoped they were real, and that so too were their majyyks and stuff. She enjoyed writing fanprose for said magical men, but she thought maybe it wasn't so great. She was, however, quite great at the esoteric sciences, such as ectobiology, dark fenestrology, and the delicate art of appearification. She had tended to accrue dead preserved specimens from her experiments, little to none of which weren't feline.

She wasn't one to shy away from a bit of gaming, particularly the sort well past its prime; she had a real soft spot for old school technology. It was fair to say that most of her leanings were governed by a bent for nostalgia. Her coding cred was totes redic, making her the hottest shit haxxor bitch she'd ever known, as deadaly* to the grid ass* she was beatuiful*.

She was known to nonseldomly employ a Roguish demeanor toward the fellas, a habit not especially jeopardized by her noninfrequent inebriation. Which was to say, against the better judgement of one her age, she liked to dip into the sauce now and then. Unless her Mom was looking, which happened to be virtually never. And considering she had been known by the knowledgeable to be in possession of vision omnifold, this struck her as a particular stunning lapse in parental diligence. But she had good friends and many distractions to fill this Void in her life.

Roxy decided to wail like an alley cat and blow bubbles in her drink. But she was not empowered to resurrect this crusty old gag template because all of the sudden

"All of a sudden."

All of a sudden

The narrative focused on the other guy, with triangular glasses and an orange hat symbol on his shirt. We have absolutely _got_ to peep the last two letters of this max chill dude's name on the devilfucking double!

We examine the placronym. The essential two characters are covered by a large white head. Hey, clear out that stupid tiny pony! What is this, some sort of miniature paddock?

The pony stood up. Thank you, pony who is presumably a tiny Maplehoof for some reason. The final two diluvial symbols had been unearthed from countless crushing ounces of slumbering pony. I and R.

His name was Dirk Strider. Holy SHIT did he love puppets. He possessed the extreme dexterity to operate his false friends unseen, that is, when they were not pre-ambulatory through his lovingly imbued mechanization. He dug writing cognitive algorithms for said apocryphal men, and thought maybe that was fuckin' dope. Guess what else was dope? Everything else Dirk did. He was a sickwicked autodidact on ancient civilizations, a selfmade master of mythologue, and a preternatural popculture academe.

If he wasn't so damn aloof and actually let people get a load, he might get described in all kindsa ways. Maybe tagged as a renaissance ninja, philosopher Prince, and flashstep puppeteer. Or perhaps a pantheonic ironicist, gangsta logician, lucid waker, and Dersite spy. Screw descriptors though, as if the shits he gave weren't nil. He was cool with dabbling in the fine sequential arts, and his work could be viewed by some as borderline pornographic. And to those philistines you'd be heard wondering, what the fuck do you mean _borderline_?

Against the better judgement of one his age, he built robots, set them to kill mode, and sparred with them to death. That was, when he was not sendificating them to friends, or dueling them with rap lyrics. But he tried to cool it on the deathmatch stuff when his Bro was looking, which was virtually never. And considering his Bro had had a reputation staked on some order of martial nobility, this struck Dirk as a staggering oversight in brotherly vigilance. He didn't have the Heart to hold it against the boy, though.

He decided to just his ass and twitch like a proboscis, but there was no way in hell he was going to give this gag the time of day even if he wasn't SUDDENLY TOTALLY LAMBASTED BY THE CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN AGAIN FROM WAY OUT OF LEFT FIELD, inside his glasses. Once again, Hussie, you are grabbing the plush by the rump. You are in absolute command of your destiny. As long as you don't pick Jane or Jake, whose icons are greyed-out, which is the universally understood UI convention for nonclickability; as long as you only pick between Dirk and Roxy. We are passing out free will like cheap cigars.

Hussie chose Roxy.

The narrative switched to view Roxy, standing in her room. What had she been up to again? She'd been floating somewhere in the nonlinear timestew of paradox space, and we were hoping to get a handle on the exact chronology of her situation. Perhaps her successive actions would oblige us? Yeah… Roxy wasn't really listening. She was going to do whatever the hell she wanted.

She picked up her high octane laser gun, which sat at her desk next to her laptop. It was powered by one of the most deadly sciences she knew of.

Roxy kept a couple of specibus allocations in her portfolio on standby. She tried to stay as sharp as possible in unarmed combat, because she never knew when she'd get ambushed. It was dangerous out there.

She examined her dead mutant collection. The biggest one, which had four eyes, had been around for as long as she remembered, encased in that glass-like material. She'd considered giving it a name, but it had always struck her as a little morbid to name a dead cat. The others were the result of a few experimental mishaps before she'd gotten the hang of the ectobiology equipment. She kept them around to remind her of the perils of the inexact science, and also because they were weird looking and cute. She'd since cloned many healthy felines, but they all lived in the laboratory out back. Her pet cat didn't really get along with other cats, and she didn't want to upset him.

Roxy captchalogued the biggest one, tucking it into her message in a bottle modus. These little guys were quite handy for busting through windows, whenever she was ready to christen a new fenestrated plane.

Roxy took the books in the corner of the room, which were in fact the first six novels of her Mom's best-selling series, _Complacency of the Learned_. She'd made an impossible fortune off of these books, considering how dark and inaccessibly written they were for young readers. More money than the U.S. financial system could even account for as legitimately circulating in the economy. Many had suspected real life wytchkkrafts had been involved, which is what some believed had discouraged criminal investigation into the matter. The feds had been afraid. And the Baroness, nervous. God she hoped that was all true.

On her door was a poster of some original edition cover art from one of the books. It featured the androgynous young apprentice, Calmasis, who throughout the series played the roles of antihero and chief antagonist. They convinced fellow disciples to rebel against Zazzerpan's vaunted Complacency, and one by one hunted down each wizard. All twelve were killed but the Predicant Scholar himself, forcing a showdown. The poster depicted the notorious chess match between Calmasis and Zazzerpan. Zazzerpan had a reputation for being unbeatable. He had never lost a match, even to the gods. But his apprentice had been able to beat him in the wizard's duel by first becoming checkmated, and through some unprecedented enchantment, continuing to play beyond the death of the king.

She loved her Mom's books and found them heavily inspiring, but she couldn't help but feel the work was exhaustingly heavy-handed sometimes. She kind of preferred to write more lighthearted things. Actually crack a joke now and then, you know?

Roxy's cat Frigglish hopped down onto the bed to greet her, and immediately situated himself on something important, one of her creative writing journals. She'd named him after her favorite wizard of CotL. He had been just such an endearing, bumbling fellow, before he'd been murdered. Calmasis had put an insidious curse on him, which had caused him to go insane over several years. He had begun filling a book with all of his arcane knowledge, which was said to be limitless. The tome had grown to monumental proportions, and become a virtually unreadable patchwork of impenetrable erudition. When the young wizard had finally caught up with him, he'd been a quaking, incoherent madman. They had finally put him out of his misery by crushing him to death with his own massive text. Roxy just thought it was a fitting name for him for some reason. The macabre demise notwithstanding, of course.

She politely scooted Frigglish off of her journals. That a boy. Technically, only one of these books was hers, the writing journal. She was pretty secretive about her writing. Sometimes, even _she_ could hardly bear to read it. She was highly aware of the formidable writerly shadow cast over her, and she could be critical to the point of embarrassment over her work. Just how drunk had she _been_ when she'd written this?, she often wondered to herself. She didn't think she'd be peeking at it soon. Maybe later. The other book was another point of embarrassment, for completely different reasons.

She cracked it open to find page after page of the letters "BRAK" over and over again. It was Jake's private journal. One day, when she'd been feeling particularly frisky, she'd swiped it with her Appearifier, not actually expecting it to work. But then she'd debated with herself for weeks over whether to read it. When she'd finally taken a peek, she'd been relieved to find all this nonsense, instead of his private thoughts. But she still didn't have it in her to cop to the theft. She'd just agreed what a shame it was about his missing book. She no idea what these letters meant. Some kind of code? KRAB? ABRAKABABRA? She had no clue what had been running through that kid's head. Not unlike always.

She grabbed her little ray gun, only it wasn't a ray gun. It was her Appearifier! Pretty much the only Crockertech she could bring herself to use. It was just too handy not to. She just plugged in the coordinates she wanted to nab something from, point it where she wanted to appearify, and shot. It'd make that thing appearify right then and there, assuming no temporal conflicts. Piece of cake! Not Crocker brand cake though cause fuck that witch.

Roxy was thirsty. She'd poured that beautiful martini on her desk a little while ago, and she'd been letting it gather cobwebs while she horsed around with random shit in her room. What a crime. She sipped the martini thoughtfully with a loud BLUH. Dammit! This was the wrong stock reaction! She would not stand for this misrepresentation of her beverage enjoyment. She sipped her martini more thoughtfully. That was much better. As much as she enjoyed an afternoon cocktail, she had to remember to pace herself with these things. They were crazy strong, and tended to make her kinda sleepy.

Oh my. How inviting did that soft plush pile look about now? Quite, she thought. She examined the plush pile. She liked to ensconce herself in this friendly heap when she played games. Gosh it looked soft. Her eyelids were getting heavy… and… uh oh, there she went a-wobblin'. Look out below! Roxy succumbed to an unfathomable booze snooze and blacked out in her plush pile.

Elsewhere, on Derse, Roxy lay in a pile of plush cats and wizards. As she fell asleep in real life, her dream self stood and walked to the window, eyes still closed. She floated out of her tower towards where Dirk floated himself, covered in blood. He tilted his triangular shades, looking over at her with his bright orange irises.

Roxy floated out to the Furthest Ring, where she casually, still asleep, entered a dream bubble. She floated past Skaia, past the Skaianet Laboratory building, and past one version of the Land of Caves and Silence, where a Dave, an Equius, and two Aradiabots were hanging out. Equius looked at her in surprise. Who was that?

Rose's alternate universe Mom floated through post-reckoning Earth, post-reckoning Alternia, LOTAM, LOTAF, and then to where a Rose stood atop a version of her house. She turned slowly towards where the other girl was floating.

Roxy moved on past Terezi's hive and through LOPAH, which quickly turned into LOLCAT where a God Tier Karkat and a Dersite Nepeta stood, scowling and smiling up at her, respectively. She floated through the rains of LOLAR to Rose's hive, where a different version of Rose floated up and towards her. Roxy's eyes opened just a hair, revealing a pink iris, and she saw the outline of her alternate universe mother. They both woke up suddenly, Roxy in her plush pile in her room, and Rose in a pile of scalemates on the meteor.

Roxy scratched her head. What the heck had that been all about? "Oh, hey there Frigglish," she said. She was greeted with a sly, conspiratorial purr, almost as if he were privy to what she'd dreamt. Which was impossible, of course. It looked like some dude had been badgering her while she was asleep.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**TT: Roxy.**

**TT: Awake yet?**

**TT: Guess not.**

**TT: Let me know.**

**TG: whoaa**

**TG: damn**

**TG: hey dirk**

**TG: hada crazy dream**

**TT: There you are.**

**TT: But I see your dream self hasn't returned.**

**TT: You must be tying one the fuck on tight already.**

**TG: mybe i am**

**TG: like a bow of ribbone**

**TG: on a beiuetuifiul ponny**

**TT: Man, how can you be this much drunker than last time we talked?**

**TT: What the hell are you even drinking?**

**TG: ok but 2 b fair**

**TG: *beiuetuifiul**

**TG: was an intentional typo 4 ur benefit**

**TG: cuz i kno you loves tha po's**

**TT: It's a beiuet.**

**TG: so you spyin on me in derse ville again?**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TG: fuckin perv**

**TG: like what you see there? ;)**

**TT: I see precisely jack shit and a side of fuckall.**

**TT: That's the point.**

**TT: You got too sauced up and went rogue again. You're out there in your weird drifting stupor, independent of your waking self's awareness.**

**TG: you gonna go after me again**

**TG: get on your hornse**

**TG: galloop me home like prince charming back to swoon kingdong**

**TG: *OOOMG blushblushbluh**

**TT: No.**

**TT: In thinking it over, it's sort of a relief. Simplifies things somewhat.**

**TT: It's better you stay out there for a while.**

**TT: There's been a problem.**

**TG: whatd you do now**

**TT: Ok, I fucked up.**

**TT: I kind of made a mess here, and I'm not sure what to do about it yet.**

**TG: ?**

**TT: No need for you to worry about it for now. I'll figure something out.**

**TT: Until then I'm just going to prepare for our session, while I think it over.**

**TG: zzzzzz**

**TG: what a surprise another mysfery for you to keep to yourself an overly cerebralize**

**TG: snooorre**

**TG: hey lets talk about something cool instead**

**TG: like the dream i had**

**TT: Ok.**

**TG: first i had some ordinary boring dreams that i dont remember**

**TG: but then i dreamed that i woke up from the drema**

**TG: and things got way bright and surreal**

**TG: and i saw someone**

**TG: i think it was supposed to be my daughter**

**TT: Why do you think that?**

**TG: you know those dreams where u just know someones suppose to be someone**

**TT: No.**

**TG: ok well**

**TG: regulgar people have those im pretty sure all the time**

**TT: Are you thinking it was prophetic? Like a glimpse of the future?**

**TG: i dunno**

**TT: Because that's not really how the abyss works. It's not Skaia, and we aren't Prospit dreamers.**

**TT: There's nothing like that out in the abyss. If you drift far enough, there is only horror.**

**TT: Terrible, terrible horror.**

**TG: ok but im not sayin it was a futuredream!**

**TG: it was just a glimple and it felt real and all im saying is it was a cool dream that i wish was real**

**TG: * glimpse**

**TT: Well, maybe it was.**

**TT: Maybe there's no fanciful game-supplied mechanism of prognostication involved here, and you're just an ordinary, run of the mill psychic.**

**TT: I guess that's possible.**

**TG: hey dick**

**TG: *dirk**

**TG: whaaaat do u think**

**TG: it would be like**

**TG: if we had kids**

**TT: What would it be like?**

**TT: Inconvenient, mostly.**

**TG: no i mean**

**TG: what would they be like**

**TG: th kids**

**TG: u ever think about it?**

**TT: Can't really say I have.**

**TG: you know for an eccantric guy you can be boring as fuck sometimes**

**TT: Sorry, Rox.**

**TT: For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl.**

**TT: Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.**

**TG: shuuuucks buster its just a fun lil hyphothetical to daydream about**

**TG: why you need to suck the fun out of shit**

**TG: like some turd hungry dracula**

**TG: its not like im lobbyin for you to hook me up with a whole mess of fuckin babbies**

**TG: or thats im holding on to any such delsusion thats even a remote possibility...**

**TG: le siiiiiign../**

**TT: Le sign?**

**TG: yes le sign you heard me**

**TT: Do you mean * le sigh?**

**TG: hmm nup**

**TG: ima stickin with le sign**

**TG: goign down with the shit**

**TG: *shi[p**

**TG: the S.S. LE SIGN, starring cap'n rolal**

**TT: What does le sign actually mean in this context?**

**TG: oh come on**

**TT: Come on what?**

**TG: LE SIGN IS UNIVERSALLY UNDERSTOOT TO MEAN TOO BAD HES GAY YOU DELIBERABLY OBTUSE DUNDERFUCK**


	159. Book 10 Chapter 2: Flirtlarp

Okay, so maybe I can't really do the set time thing. Just look for updates on Tuesdays and Saturdays whenever. :P

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 2: Flirtlarp

**TT: I mean, yeah, that's what I thought.**

**TT: It would just be cool if you'd refrain from tossing about such antediluvian terms.**

**TG: antediulivan waht**

**TG: me sayin ur gay u mean**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: ok but terminology aside i dont think im off base!**

**TT: I don't see how it has to be a thing.**

**TG: i rly think its an actual thing bro**

**TT: Once upon a time, sure.**

**TT: But the world has changed a lot.**

**TT: Ever peek in a history book between your wizardly indulgences? This is a nuanced topic.**

**TG: man i know about the histories**

**TG: just**

**TG: believe me**

**TG: its a thig**

**TT: How is it a thing?**

**TG: its a thing beaucase if it wasnt a thing then u wouldnt be all like...**

**TT: All like what?**

**TG: well wantin nothing to do w me 4 starties**

**TT: Don't be ridiculous.**

**TT: I have more to do with you than any dude could possibly bargain for.**

**TT: And I like it just fine.**

**TG: what a totatly lame + sweet answer simultaneouslay**

**TG: 3**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: Now maybe we should direct our focus on a matter which has nothing at all to do with what does or doesn't qualify as "a thing", or what our fantasy alt-universe offspring would be like, or anything like that.**

**TT: Such as this game, and whether you're in the best condition to be piloting Jane's connection.**

**TT: Maybe you could use another nap?**

**TG: my condidions just fine**

**TG: and anyway**

**TG: what aint gonna get slept offis the fact that i still dont think we should be touchin this bs witch game w a 20 foot 3dent**

**TG: we both know her plans need us to**

**TT: I know that. But I thought we settled this.**

**TG: its still so frustrating**

**TG: tellin jane about the dangers**

**TG: and even if shes being polite i just know she thinks im fulla crap**

**TG: about EVREYTHING**

**TT: We settled this too. She'll believe everything eventually.**

**TT: Why bother working so hard to convince her?**

**TG: well i dont even do that for the most part**

**TG: but it gets tiring and saddening**

**TG: knowing that**

**TG: even when were not activly talkin bout it**

**TG: that my best friend cant bring herself to believe some really basic things about my life**

**TG: like the shitty things the baroness has done to us**

**TG: or about our upbringin**

**TG: like**

**TG: do u know how misrable it is for your bff to doubt you**

**TG: when you tell her your mom is dead**

**TT: I guess.**

**TT: It just registers for me as a reaction which isn't completely unreasonable from her perspective.**

**TT: She is inundated with media coverage of those whom we've claimed as our parental figures.**

**TT: That they are not presently alive nor ever played that role for us as she understands it is just an extension of a much more elaborate and far reaching explanation, which is much harder for anyone to digest in its entirety.**

**TT: Well, anyone who isn't Jake, I mean.**

**TT: Still say you should cut her some slack.**

**TG: i know**

**TT: And need I remind you,**

**TT: That the potential this game provides for their resurrection is what motivated you to investigate it in the first place?**

**TG: no i remember**

**TG: i told u a million tines shit sounds like it could be the best thing EVAAAAAR**

**TG: * wherein evars capsed as heck**

**TG: but also that no matter how awesome it might be**

**TG: its probly gonna advance all the schemes of "her condescension"**

**TT: Right. **

**TT: But if we can stop her? **

**TG: part of me doesnt even want to give her the satsfaction**

**TG: of startin up at all**

**TG: like if we didnt wuolndt that wreck her shit just so hiliariously?**

**TG: so many olols**

**TT: I must be hard of counting, because I'm barely racking up a single goddamn o-laugh-out-loud at that self-defeating gesture. **

**TG: no but it would**

**TG: and for all we know starting it up is playing right in her claws...**

**TG: could be a trap waintin for jane the moment she enters**

**TG: if i stop her from playing**

**TG: maybe i could at leat give her a CHANCE at a future**

**TT: But there is no future on Earth for them. **

**TT: Or for us, for that matter. **

**TG: dunno that for a fact**

**TG: but anywaaaayyyy**

**TG: i kinda already**

**TG: made this bogus file for her**

**TT: What? Why? **

**TG: 2 scare the shit out of her**

**TG: make her learn to fear an respect the fuckin hag like she should**

**TG: then maybe we can drop this whole in game meetup slash reserection idea all 2 geth**

**TG: sweet tho it may bey**

**TT: Rox. **

**TT: I hope you're not thinking about sending her one of your batshit ~ATH scripts. **

**TG: on thas sobject**

**TG: i am miss zuipperpips**

**TT: Miss Zuipperpips? **

**TT: The amount of sense you haven't been making is un-fucking-real. **

**TT: Just go take a nap. And don't even think about sending her that file. **

**TT: Are you listening? **

**TG: hnnn**

**TG: i will take what u say**

**TG: underd serisous advicement...,**

**TG: *WONK* ~_?**

**TT: Jesus. **

**TG: dirk**

**TG: when did you stop bein any fun**

**TT: What? **

**TG: it use to be youd get a kick out off a slunt like that**

**TG: *stunt**

**TT: Man, you know I'm down with insane stunts. **

**TT: Insane stunts are practically all I'm all about. **

**TT: As long as I actually AGREE with the purpose they're intended to serve. **

**TT: Destroying Jane's computer and dissuading her from playing is not such a purpose. **

**TG: betcha ur responder would agree w me**

**TG: why cant your be more like him**

**TT: I am more like him. **

**TG: i mean MOAAAR like him**

**TT: You just mispelled "more", causing me to suddenly understand jack everything. **

**TG: hes more in touch with his feelins**

**TG: which just makes me L my FA off since hes a bobot**

**TG: *robob**

**TG: **bobob**

**TG: and he can actually loosen up sometimes**

**TG: kinda like u used to could**

**TT: I used to could? **

**TG: for 1 thing**

**TG: he doesnt insta shootdown a bip of frisky rp shenans now n then ;)**

**TT: Yeah... **

**TT: I kind of wish you wouldn't do that with him. **

**TG: why the f not**

**TT: It just seems a little tawdry and disrespectful. **

**TT: And vaguely exploitative of a still-emergent cognitive entity, whose perceptional frame of reference is difficult for us to comprehend. **

**TG: oh come on**

**TG: hes cool a guy just liek you its just he lives in some shades**

**TT: It rubs me the wrong way, is all. **

**TG: ohhhh**

**TG: do uuuuuu...**

**TG: WANT me 2 rub you the right way ;D**

**TT: Not really. **

**TG: zzz muh**

**TG: youre over blowin this**

**TG: its just an ironic funny thing we do some times**

**TG: come on im sure you read the transcripts urself**

**TG: its all alot of jokestery buiishit**

**TT: He blocks me from being able to read transcripts sometimes. **

**TG: oh**

**TG: wow he does?**

**TG: sneaky bastart**

**TT: And anyway, I'm really not sure how ironic it is. **

**TG: ok next time i will run it by the MASTAR first**

**TG: with his fancy fuckin ironimeter**

**TT: Ok, here's the thing with the AR, since you still don't seem to get it. **

**TT: He's very similar to me in thought process and behavior, yes. **

**TT: But those patterns were imported from a thirteen year old version of my psyche, and then sealed into the program as starting parameters. **

**TT: In the years since, we've both evolved somewhat. I, as humans tend to, and he, in whatever way is natural for a frequently running, self-aware application. **

**TT: So if there are differences between us, they're first reflected by what I feel is a maturity gap, and then further by several years of minor behavioral divergences. **

**TG: omg...**

**TG: hes 13yo dirk**

**TG: why did than not occur to me that is so cute**

**TG: and makes me feel kinda skeevy 4 sayin anything lascivious him**

**TG: dammit you ruin everything!**

**TT: You're welcome. **

**TT: Yo, you guys realize I can hear you, right?**

**TG: pfffffhahaha**

**TT: Yes, I was aware. **

**TT: Check out all these complicated fucking problems people have when they have to live in big lumbering fleshmonsters instead of a sweet pair of shades.**

**TT: Dude, do you think you could sit this one out for a while? This conversation practically doesn't even concern you at this point. **

**TT: It seems there is some gnarly crooked number that represents the percentage of probability you just said this doesn't concern me.**

**TT: Even though it's patently obvious that half the conversation, like, way totally concerns me.**

**TT: Shit, Roxy look. He's doing the thing where he ironically pretends to fail the Turing test to sass me into submission. **

**TT: Even though I was the one who fucking programmed him to do that. **

**TG: ell**

**TG: emm**

**TG: eff**

**TG: ayy**

**TG: OFF~~!~**

**TG: like my butt is juts there on the floor**

**TG: is how hard i elled it off just now**

**TT: (Not peekin' at the floor butt cause I'm only 13 years old, motherfuckers.)**

**TT: This is fuckin' dumb. **

**TT: I'm going to leave both of you to interact however you want. I have important shit to deal with and actual responsibilities to take seriously. **

**TT: Roxy, go nap off your drink, or aggressively wage another flirtlarping campaign, whatever, I don't care. **

**TT: Just don't send that file to Jane, ok? **

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering** **tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**TG: so**

**TG: looks like it just**

**TG: the two of us**

**TT: Looks that way.**

**TG: fancy thay**

**TG: * that**

**TT: Guess I can go back to talking in orange.**

**TG: why yes**

**TG: u should def slip in 2 something more comforfable**

**TG: while i pour you some robo wine**

**TG: we have**

**TG: much to discuss**

**TG: *tents fingerns together w sultry cunning***

**TT: Actually, I think I like the red better.**

**TG: ok i can check the cellar**

**TG: might have some choice years left of the pinpot noir**

**TT: I don't doubt the choiceness of those pinpots, but I'm not really here to screw around.**

**TT: There's something important to talk about.**

**TG: aw dang**

**TG: janes after me**

**TG: sorry bro it has to wait cant leave janey hangan**

**TT: Alright.**

**TT: But just so you know.**

**TT: I think Dirk is probably going to make some sort of formal romantic overture toward Jake today.**

**TG: WHAT**

**TG: wait really**

**TT: I've been crunching numbers all day on this.**

**TT: The percentage of probability is simultaneously bananas and through the roof.**

**TT: A complete disgrace of tropical fruit erupting from the peak of an unassuming domicile.**

**TG: ohhhh my**

**TG: how do u know**

**TT: Because I've aggregated thousands of subtle clues indiscernible to primitive human neurology and rammed them through my determinative infatuation engine at the astonishing speed of information.**

**TT: And also because I'm pretty sure it's what I would do if I were him, which is literally the case.**

**TT: And also.**

**TT: Because he kind of told me I guess?**

**TT: There's that.**

**TG: well thish should be interesting**

**TG: did u tell jake or...**

**TT: Not specifically.**

**TG: man does he even know how he feels**

**TG: lol the poor guy is tortally under siege from all sides hehe**

**TT: He knows well enough.**

**TT: I've badgered him with enough "insincere" solicitations to paint a pretty striking portrait of my cognitive progenitor's inclinations, even if he wasn't able to pick up on such hints from the man himself, which strikes me as statistically implausible. And that's not even me just spewing more ironic AI bullshit.**

**TG: i was never that clear on that**

**TG: r u like**

**TG: BOTH cruching on him...**

**TG: or is it real 4 him and ironic 4 u or...**

**TT: It's complicated.**

**TG: nooo shit**

**TG: says the robo clone of the guy smitten wit the guy everyone elses smitten with in cluding said robob clone, maybe?**

**TG: hey can we hold this thought**

**TG: have 2 answer jaaaaaame...**

**TG: *n**

**TT: Yeah.**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**GG: Heyyy.**

**GG: Ahem.**

**GG: Ro-Lal?**

**TG: oopos sry**

**TG: was havin important chats**

**GG: Oh?**

**GG: With whom?**

**TG: w yet anather ineligible fuckin bachelor who elfe i have to talk 2**

**Etc… (see Book 9 for full conversation)**


	160. Book 10 Chapter 3: A Name Fulfilled

Okay, okay. Looks like I can't keep to a proper updating schedule... two days late! Ugh! It'll just have to be kind of... loosely updated from now on I guess. I just can't keep my shit straight. Probably because I'm not straight hehehe... in any case, here's chapter 3! And I'm workin' on Book 10 as we speak so keep your ears peeled and yours eyes perked up as we stumble through act after intermission after act of pure, unadulterated teenage bullshittery.

Also, I noticed that I have something of a competitor. PsychoLeopard is doing much the same as I am over on Archive of Our Own. Shoutout to them. But sorry PsychoLeopard, but I think I might just beat you to the end. You've only just reached the section on ectobiology, and I'm already flying through Act 6 (flying being a word of questionable merit). The question that remains, however, is which one of us is Hussie. If either. The world may never know. :0

-As always, Morn

* * *

Chapter 3: A Name Fulfilled

**TT: Anyway, if you're still there.**

**TT: I wouldn't call my "feelings" ironic.**

**TT: Though evidently, I would enclose them in quotes.**

**TT: They're more like an echo of feelings once established in a biological context, though perhaps had not particularly well materialized at that point in my life.**

**TT: Or his life.**

**TT: Whatever.**

**TT: They still feel real sometimes, and it can be easy to get carried away with them.**

**TT: But most of the time they present themselves as dense bodies of abstraction to be evaluated, like any kind of information.**

**TT: It's fair to say the feelings I have ABOUT my feelings are more genuine expressions of emotion than the ground level feelings themselves.**

**TT: Does that make sense?**

**TG: yes**

**TG: sory distacted**

**TG: iportant shit gon on w janesy**

**TT: That's fine.**

**TT: So to underwhelmingly answer your question, no, I don't think I'm really "into Jake."**

**TT: Not so much as occasionally being subject to heavily arresting recalls of conflicted, incipient preteen episodes on the subject.**

**TT: I'm not sure I can be "into" someone in a way you understand.**

**TT: Not that it would even matter if I was.**

**TT: I'm glasses.**

**TG: damn :(**

**TT: What?**

**TG: sry im listening 2 u really**

**TG: but i fucked uuuuup**

**TG: got to make sure jane doesnt run that file i sent**

**TT: The virus? You sent it already?**

**TT: Sneaky.**

**TG: waahh im such an ass**

**TT: What are you two talking about?**

**TG: the bot line is**

**TG: im a horribule friend :(**

**TT: You could just tell her you sent an exploding file.**

**TG: noo then shell think im shitty**

**TG: and right now she thinks im super NOT shitty**

**TG: dont want to blow it**

**TG: id think id rather pull a dirk and propess my UNDYING FEELINGS FOR HER omgomgomg**

**TT: Wait, you have feelings for Jane?**

**TG: no you dingnut**

**TG: was joak**

**TG: OMFG**

**TG: if dirk tells jake about his stuff**

**TG: what about jane**

**TG: hows she gonna feel**

**TG: competing wish a friend and all for aguy she cant even get up the nerve to say anythin to**

**TG: poor jane :C**

**TT: It seems to be highly probable you are ensared in the throes of one of your human romantic quandaries.**

**TG: oh stfu up**

**TG: i need a drink**

**TT: Are you even talking to her anymore?**

**TT: It seems like you must be neglecting her side of the conversation.**

**TG: im in the mipple of a dramantic pause caulm ur fukin tits bobob**

…

**TG: RLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? **

**GG: Sigh.**

…

**TT: Anyway, I won't distract you for much longer.**

**TT: I just felt the need to tip you off to this eight hundred ton gorilla dragging its knuckles across the horizon.**

**TG: will this gorilla**

**TG: eat thos bonanas**

**TG: flying out of the roof u said**

**TT: No airborne fruit will be safe.**

**TT: I guess this is to be presented as something like a word of caution.**

**TT: If it's me going through with this, hypothetically,**

**TT: I'm not dropping some limp wristed shucks buster on his ass, and praying to the horse gods of irony for reciprocation.**

**TT: There will be no rocking back and forth on pigeon-toed feet, while my face flushes with the blood of a thousand timid bishies.**

**TT: I will not hold one tentative hand behind my head like a flustered asshole from an Asian cartoon, nor will an oversized bead of sweat overlap ludicrously with my visage.**

**TT: If it's me, I'm going all out.**

**TT: Oceans will rise. Cities will fall. Volcanoes will erupt.**

**TG: uuh**

**TT: What I'm saying is, it's going to be a scene, and bystanders need to brace themselves.**

**TG: ok**

**TG: about when is the big scene happenin**

**TT: Probably after the game begins.**

**TT: I expect he'll hold off on playing his hand until he and Jake are in the session.**

**TT: He's taken certain measures.**

**TT: For some reason, I think he's latched on to this notion that functioning as the client for a player is customarily a one way pass to makeout city with that player.**

**TT: Everything with him, and me, is a matter of assiduous tactical forethought. Makin' a play to get his jones on for the J-man is no different.**

**TG: not sure what any of this quiet means but it sounds spactacular**

**TG: i cant wait**

**TG: tho im still kinda torn**

**TG: about how 2 feel about his chances vs janes chances**

**TG: what do i say to jane about this?**

**TG: its hard being as totey sweet a friend as me**

**TG: its hard and no 1 understanks**

**TG: *lul**

**TT: Sorry to hear that.**

**TT: As ever, I remain an automatonous and dispassionate witness of the oddity that is human interaction, while maintaining no investment in either outcome.**

**TG: yeah bs**

**TG: anyway looks like i have to go**

**TG: i have to proves some shit to jane**

**TT: Prove what?**

**TG: oh u know**

**TG: just subjectin shit to the old madrigogs**

**TT: It seems you just said madrigogs.**

**TT: What are madrigogs.**

**TG: XD**

**TG: l7r bro**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased pestering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

…

**TG: janey**

**TG: it seems 2 me**

**TG: that there is a (MATHS) % chance of you bein a huge tightass**

**TG: are u bein a huge tightass on me jane**

**GG: Oh god dammit.**

**GG: Take the book! What do I care!**

**TG: yessss thast the spirpit**

**TG: now u are believin w petrol**

**GG: I fail to see what offering up a priceless book for your wildly capricious science experiment has to do with my resolution to be less stingy with my beliefs, but alright.**

**TG: haha will u relax abt the book**

**TG: im only just teasing cause theres like practically a 100 percant chance this wont wonk like alwasy**

**TG: * wort work like always**

**TG: sooooo**

**TG: ready/**

**GG: Yes, let's just get on with it.**

Roxy pushed some buttons and messed with some knobby dealies, and got totally set to subject shit to the madrigogs. *mad rigors

Suddenly, however, God Cat appeared in the middle of her floor. Frigglish hissed, tail poofed out, and leaped towards the first guardian, who vanished suddenly. Roxy appearified Sassacre's text directly above where Frigglish now sat and bit her lower lip in horror as it plummeted down on the cat, crushing him underneath its horrendous girth.

**GG: It worked!**

**GG: The book is gone!**

**TG: oh no**

**TG: aaaawwwww shit**

**GG: What is it?**

**TG: shit shit shitsh it**

**GG: Did you receive the book?**

**TG: shoiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit**

**TG: SHITSHITSHITHISTHITSHITSTHI**

**GG: Don't tell me.**

**GG: The book is damaged somehow, isn't it?**

**TG: ffuuuuuuuuuuuk :(**

She took the book and looked at the cat. Yep, he was dead. Totally Sassacrushed. She just knew that julep guzzling bastard was scrambling up the echeladder, chuckling to himself while he filled his pockets with ill-gotten boondollars. Go ahead, old man. Laugh it up.

She guessed she had to do something with the body now. Maybe a funeral? That sounded like the perfect way to say goodbye to an old friend. But the environment outside wasn't particularly hospitable for a burial these days. It also sounded kind of depressing to hold a funeral by herself.

It was probably best to just send him back where he'd come from. Years ago, when she'd been exploring the lab, she'd found a machine somewhat similar to the ectobiology equipment. Without knowing what it did, she'd activated it, and out had come this friendly cat in a handsome little suit. She still wasn't sure where he'd come from, though judging by the timestamp and coordinates on the machine, she had a feeling he'd belonged to her mother. If that was true, she felt about about stealing her Mom's cat, let alone killing him. But Roxy could never bring herself to send him back. Until now, of course. Her Mom would probably want to know what had happened to her disappearing cat, even if it meant discovering him dead a little while later.

The device used huge amounts of power. Its entire power supply had almost been fully depleted after using it the first time. Roxy had stockpiled as much uranium as she could for another test run. Looked like this would be it.

She captchalogued her cat but the bottle didn't enter her sylladex. Oops, her inventory was full. Probably as good an excuse as any to break in a new fenestrated plane.

She swapped the bottle containing one dead cat for another. She often used this little guy to break in the planes, like an intrepid test pilot. Not while he was in the bottle, though. That would be ridiculous, since the bottles were sort of just inventory abstractions. She had to break the bottle first, before she could get serious about breaking some glass.

Roxy smashed the bottle against the table and the preserved mutant cat appeared atop the book on her desk. She then shoved her plush pile backwards, because she couldn't work like this with everything jammed down there in the corner. It was bad enough she was hammered. She turned on the fenestrated wall and smashed the cat through the glass.

Her test pilot flew back out almost immediately, which meant the link between planes was working and stable. She couldn't even remember which one she'd linked this up to. She guessed she'd find out the fast way. Roxy climbed onto her bed and then leaped into the hole in the contraption that the mutant cat had put there.

From the perspective of anyone observing the two windows from outside, transport looked instantaneous. But for the traveler, there was always this gap of void between them. In her experience, the more significant the journey between the planes was, the wider the gap. This one was small enough to be negligible though. Probably because it led to somewhere in her house. She'd set up a bunch of these as little shortcuts to places around her house, as well as some places nearby like the lab. It was a convenient way to hop around, though wasn't without some risk. She still wasn't sure what happened if one of the planes lost power in transit, other than objects predictably getting sliced in half if they were straddling the plane when the plug was pulled. She hadn't come up with a good way to observe the consequences from the inside yet, without using herself as a giguinea pig. And she was in as much of a hurry to try that as she was to look up the correct spelling of guinea pig, because seriously, fuck those particular pigs.

When she arrived at the other side, she fell right back through the fenestrated wall, arriving once again in her room. She fell through again, and then back and forth she went between her room and the other location. When she was quite through with that tomfoolery, she found herself in her household's observatory.

She kept it very cool in here and used it to store pumpkins she'd appearified from around the world. Especially from Jake. That guy was just stinking rich with pumpkins on his dumb tropical island. It would never occur to her otherwise to be so grabby with pumpkins, but they just happened to be the most easily appearifiable vegetable on the planet for reasons that made no sense. And it wasn't like she could just stop swiping vegetables. She'd got her own mysterious reasons. Hey look, incoming message!

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**UU: there yoU are!**

**UU: tricky one to track down, yoU are. :u**

**TG: oh yeh**

**TG: dunno why i been right here goofin around for hours**

**UU: oh no doUbt!**

**UU: methinks it has less to do with yoUr actUal whereaboUts as it does with yoUr virtUes as a hero of void.**

**TG: ok but you never say what stuff like that means when you say it tho**

**TG: is this more casual spoilerz shit**

**UU: caUsal! and yes, somewhat. however...**

**UU: with these spoilers, by their natUre, the more time that passes for yoU the less relevant it becomes to gUard their secrecy.**

**UU: as yoU approach yoUr entry, details i have obscUred will become more plainly evident.**

**UU: so i see no harm in loosening my tongUe on certain matters the closer yoU get to the appointed hoUr! ^u^**

**TG: so ur saying i have like**

**TG: these magical void powers**

**UU: yes.**

**TG: sounds like kinda shitty and boring powers to me**

**TG: what can they even do besise make me invisible to an anien sometimes**

**TG: *alien**

**UU: the void aspect is fascinating, thoUgh.**

**UU: its heroes preside over the essence of lack, or nothingness. the obfUscation of knowledge, or its oUtright destrUction.**

**TG: SNOOOZE**

**UU: well, *i* think it is wonderfUl. u_u**

**UU: and anyway, one can hardly draw many conclUsions aboUt a player by aspect alone.**

**UU: the aspect is channeled more specifically by the assets of ones class.**

**TG: so when u cant see me**

**TG: when im doin my voidey thing or w/e**

**TG: what do you see is it just a black screen**

**UU: pretty mUch! :U**

**TG: hmmmmm,..**

**UU: hmmmmm?**

**TG: its just that footage of my mom does that too**

**TG: like blacks out and stuff**

**TG: mom was a notoirious scourge to the papayazzi**

**TG: or i mean**

**TG: the womom who im supposed to be genetically descended from**

**TG: *womam**

**TG: know what i mean?**

**UU: i Understand what yoU're getting at, yes.**

**UU: it is certainly possible that we may have common groUnd with oUr ancestors when it comes to oUr aspects, and the way oUr abilities reveal themselves to Us. i coUld not rUle this oUt.**

**UU: bUt there is always more to examine.**

**UU: for instance, a hero of life and a hero of doom have aspects as different as can be.**

**UU: bUt if their classes are different enoUgh as well, that is, one active and the other passive, remarkably there is a chance they coUld end Up with very similar abilities!**

**UU: player abilities may also manifest in ways in defiance with their aspects if they are heavily resistant to their trUe calling. or, if corrUpted in some way by an oUtside inflUence.**

**UU: bUt it is rather clear to me yoU are one who embraces her aspect qUite heartily, even if yoU are not aware of it. ^u^**

**TG: so...**

**TG: deep down i am super psyched about nothigness**

**TG: yeah souns about right**

**TG: oh damn hey**

**TG: i almost forgot i had a really short but cool dream i fugured you might like this**

**UU: oh yes, everyone is having important dreams as we near oUr mUtUal entries. this is lovely!**

**UU: please tell.**

**TG: i saw someone i think was supposed to be my daughter**

**TG: do you know if thats true**

**UU: can yoU describe her?**

**TG: well she looked kinda like me**

**TG: but in this orange getunp**

**TG: *up**

**TG: w a yellow sun on it**

**UU: she soUnds to me like the well known figUre of legend.**

**UU: or at least, well known to those who make the stUdy of sUch matters into their all consUming pastime. ~_u**

**UU: i believe yoU saw the seer of light.**

**TG: so ok**

**TG: lets say she is def that**

**TG: than does that means shes not my daughter or...**

**TG: spoipers?**

**TG: *****

**TG: xactly how much spoipage we talkin uu**

**UU: it woUld normally be my instinct to sUpply a vagUe response here...**

**UU: bUt i think that yoUr heart has already told yoU the answer, and as sUch my secrecy woUld be pUrposeless.**

**UU: so, yes, that she was!**

**TG: aw ys i knew it**

**TG: so then space lady can u tell me**

**TG: who this luckay fella is**

**UU: fella?**

**UU: what do yoU mean?**

**TG: come on u know**

**TG: who i get futurebusy w/2 make the lightseer babis**

**UU: oh...**

**UU: yes!**

**UU: pardon my slUggishness on the Uptake. we are very different species, reprodUctively and familially, remember?**

**TG: smh**

**TG: *signs deeply muttering LALIENS to self***

**UU: that i think is something i cannot say, or that is, shoUld not say.**

**TG: aw come on ur already telling me stuff**

**UU: oh, please don't press me for information! it makes me feel terribly gUilty.**

**UU: yoU've no idea how mUch i woUld fancy revealing everything, and exchange oUr stories endlessly. bUt i mUst show restraint.**

**TG: plzzzz333**

**TG: what if i guess stuff**

**TG: is it**

**TG: strider**

**TG: does he like get ungay for a while or ssuch**

**TG: u probably dont even know what that means on account fof being extra textrestrial**

**TG: can aliens b gay too is that a thing**

**TG: being space gay**

**UU: Ummm.**

**UU: u_u;**

**TG: o man**

**TG: embarrased alien is ambarrassed**

**TG: heh sorry**

**UU: i am not embarrassed, i jUst don't know what yoU're talking aboUt!**

**TG: oh**

**TG: but sersly is it him?**

**UU: Um...**

**UU: maybe?**

**TG: or is it like**

**TG: some ectobio shit instead**

**TG: and a dude aint really invovled**

**UU: Um...**

**UU: maybe! :u**

**TG: maaan wouldnt that just figure**

**TG: that would suck! whyd you have 2 go and confirm my bleak dudeless future**

**UU: i confirmed no sUch thing, roxy!**

**UU: yoU are being frightfUlly difficUlt! yoU jUst keep pUshing and pUshing and i can maintain my composUre for only so long!**

**TG: k im sorry**

**UU: if yoU are really cUrioUs aboUt the events sUrroUnding yoUr daUghter's origin, yoU can always ask her in person when yoU meet her.**

**TG: so you mean**

**TG: im going to meet her in the game**

**UU: oh...**

**UU: well, yes.**

**UU: bUt i'm not sUre if i shoUld have revealed that jUst now! yoU see what happens when yoU pUsh me!**

**UU: there is so mUch for me to keep track of, and it gets very difficUlt to remember what information to reveal at what time when yoU are flUstered.**

**TG: ok so without pushin and flustratin you**

**TG: lemme just see if i have all my facts right**

**TG: i will meet my cool as hell daughter from the future in this game**

**UU: yes, basically.**

**TG: and i will also meet my mother in this game**

**UU: yes.**

**TG: and the game will let me resurrect her from the dead and thats what im gonna do**

**UU: the game provides a mechanism for the revival of the deceased, yes. it is called a kernelsprite, and yoU are free to gather remains of any dead party yoU choose, to revive that individUal in the form of a sprite. the sprite will then serve as a helpfUl spirit gUide on yoUr joUrney!**

**TG: yeah but you cleverly dodged the q**

**TG: thats how u say it works but WILL i do that**

**UU: i believe i was very forthright in my answer!**

**UU: if yoU play the game, yoU will meet yoUr daUghter.**

**UU: if yoU play the game, yoU will meet yoUr mother too!**

**UU: simple as can be. ^u^**

**TG: *narrows eyes with drunken suspicion***

**TG: -_-**

**UU: -u-**

**TG: -_-**

**UU: ...**

**TG: -_~**

**UU: u~u**

**TG: so yeah to continue my confirmation spree**

**TG: you are maybe kinda hinting there are ecto shenannies that lead to the birth of my daughter**

**TG: just like i descended from my mom through some sort of simimar bio process**

**UU: those are...**

**UU: definitely some things which yoU believe coUld be trUe or not trUe! :u**

**TG: lol u are such a shitty liar**

**UU: i am not any kind of liar!**

**TG: come on whats answer**

**TG: y/n**

**TG: or shuold i say**

**TG: y/n/u**

**UU: U!**

**UU: i choose U! :U!**

**TG: ahaha u luv u's**

**UU: i do love U's!**

**TG: ur silly**

**TG: silly &amp; cute &amp; bad lyin**

**UU: bUt i really don't lie!**

**UU: i am not deceitfUl by natUre bUt in order to protect the integrity of certain oUtcomes while still being helpfUl to yoU, i gUess i am learning the art of deception throUgh honesty?**

**UU: which as it tUrns oUt, as well intended as it may be, still comes across to a savvy lass like yoUrself as jUst another kind of eqUivocation.**

**UU: thoUgh i gUess i shoUldn't be so startled that a rogUe of void coUld bewilder me so.**

**UU: void players are said in texts to have a way with flUmmoxing even those with plans beyond mortal Understanding.**

**UU: and i'm far from anyone like that. jUst a girl who wants to help!**

A pair of gray hands typed away at a keyboard with a caduceus symbol on it.

**TG: ok well since youre so nice**

**TG: ill promoise not to use my wicked void powers re: basic common sense + skills of deduction to bust you up so bad**

**UU: i'd be ever so gratefUl. :u**

**TG: then w.o givin you the whole 3rd degree**

**TG: what is safe to tell me?**

**TG: like what does it mean to be a rogue of void**

**TG: thats what i am rite**

**UU: yes! i can tell yoU plenty aboUt that.**

**UU: a rogUe is a passive class. yoU see, there are passive (+) and active (-) classes. some more strongly passive or active than others.**

**UU: the +/- distinction can mean many things, bUt coUld be qUite roUghly sUmmed Up in this way: active classes exploit their aspect to benefit themselves, while passive classes allow their aspect to benefit others.**

**UU: bUt of coUrse there's plenty more to it, and that rUle is in no way absolUte. only a starting point for Understanding the dichotomy.**

**TG: you mean kinda like**

**TG: offensive vs defesive magic in an rpg**

**UU: sUre!**

**UU: that's another fine way of looking at it.**

**UU: classes always come in +/- pairs, with significant disparity between them.**

**UU: while a rogUe is passive, a thief woUld be its far more active coUnterpart.**

**UU: the rogUe and thief classes tend to be assigned to females. not exclUsively, bUt commonly!**

**UU: other classes lean more toward male assignment, while others are exclUsively male, and jUst as many are exclUsively female. like my class. ^u^**

**UU: that's a bit of a tangent thoUgh. to answer yoUr qUestion aboUt being a rogUe, i shoUld tell yoU both classes in +/- pairs tend to have very similar descriptions.**

**UU: in this case, a rogUe or a thief is "one who steals." qUite simple, really!**

**UU: bUt whether the class is + or - makes all the difference. it is a great indicator as to how a hero will make Use of the aspect.**

**TG: so basically**

**TG: a thief is like the asshole class**

**TG: the player who says step off shits mine suckas**

**TG: whereas**

**TG: a rogue**

**TG: is bascially robin hood**

**UU: if that reference to yoUr cUltUre provides a sUitable comparison, then absolUtely. :U**

**TG: so im essantially the robin hood of void**

**TG: im still not sure**

**TG: wtf that actually means**

**UU: Understandable.**

**TG: i guess robin hods p cool tho**

**TG: thiefin up loot from peeps who got too much**

**TG: then all sugardaddyin it out 2 the needy like a boss**

**TG: just dont have a clue how that works with void**

**UU: yes, it is one of the more conceptUally nebUloUs pairings, i agree.**

**UU: and i can't say i know a smashing good deal aboUt the natUre of the void player's path, since the aspect is by definition inscrUtable to those it does not choose.**

**UU: bUt i can at least tell yoU this.**

**UU: if yoU are ever to enjoy fUll ascension as a rogUe of void, yoU will be able to do some completely astonishing things!**

**TG: like what**

**UU: oh no, yoU will not pry this oUt of me.**

**UU: not to preserve caUsality, bUt to keep the sUrprise in store for yoU.**

**UU: it woUld not be honoUrable of me to spoil the discovery, shoUld yoU be fortUnate enoUgh to realize yoUr potential.**

**TG: well**

**TG: about that**

**TG: i feel sorta stupid about this but**

**TG: ive been giving all my friends this whole dramagic spiel about not wanting to even play this thing**

**TG: and i might of fucked stuff up already**

**UU: is that so?**

**TG: its so**

**TG: and i guess i still havnt decide what to do**

**TG: there are props and cons 2 both things**

**UU: woUld yoU mind listing them?**

**TG: ok either i dont play**

**TG: and i get this kinda passive aggressive revange at the witch for killing my mom**

**TG: and thereafter keep staying here and being lonely**

**TG: or**

**TG: i do play and the spoips r as follows...**

**TG: sweet powers 4 me**

**TG: check**

**TG: tri generational lolonde family reonion**

**TG: check as fuck**

**TG: meet all my friends**

**TG: HECKACHECK**

**TG: and smoe others stuff**

**UU: all fine points.**

**UU: is there nothing i can do to make the decision easier?**

**TG: nah but thx**

**TG: u already have anyway**

**TG: i will probably play**

**TG: wonder if i can tell distri withoup lookin like a waffle assed chump**

**UU: what's a waffle arsed chUmp?**

**UU: is it earth cUisine? :u~**

**TG: lol no its just a shithead**

**TG: this doesnt matter now tho i cant play til i go deliver this dead cat back ing time to maybe my mom or someshing?/**

**UU: that's another statement that doesn't make a good deal of sense to me, bUt if it is important to yoU, then godspeed!**

**UU: i'm so pleased to hear yoU are leaning in favor of participating with the rest of Us. i promise we'll all have a ball together.**

**UU: now i have a bUsy schedUle to keep Up with so i mUst go. bUt please remember yoU can always contact me if yoU have qUestions.**

**UU: don't be a stranger, love. ta! ^u^**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**


	161. Book 10 Chapter 4: Orange Soda

Chapter 4: Orange Soda

Roxy was fairly sure this other window in the observatory would take her to one of the windows she had set up in the lab. There was more than one way to find out if this was true, she guessed. But there was only one way that involved doing what the inebriated did best, which was falling down.

She leaped into the fenestrated wall, falling rapidly towards the other side. Halfway down, however, something moved in the corner of her eye and she turned her head to see her Dersite dream self floating upwards through the darkness. Before she could smash through to the other side, however, she was SUDDENLY PRESENTED WITH THE CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN AGAIN. SO MANY CHOICES. YOU CAN PICK ANY OF THE KIDS, HUSSIE, _ANY OF THEM_ (as long as it's not Jane or Jake or Roxy).

Hussie chose… Dirk. What a huge surprise! A major fucking plot twist that absolutely no one saw coming. Now what in the hell was going on with him again? That was right. He was lodged in the bulbous cleft of paradox space's huge foam ass, and we were hoping to trouble him for a bit of context. Something to set our watches to, if you may. Perhaps his successive actions will oblige us?

Ha ha, j/k young bro, we know you don't give a shit. Go ahead and do whatever feels right.

Dirk decided to retrieve his unbreakable katana. A real hard sword for a real hard dude. It was said to have been forged by an ancient Otaku master over the heat of a roaring manga fire. It had been cooled in an enchanted spring where virgin horses nickered and bathed, and was said could only be used by one whose pointy anime shades were deemed sweet enough, and whose hair existed in a perpetually sculpted state of looking completely fucking awesome. All of those things had been said by him.

He liked to juggle around a few different allocations in his portfolio besides bladekind, mostly ironically. He took a certain amount of pride in being able to beat practically anyone's ass down with a puppet, a martial discipline for which there was a startling variety of techniques.

Fancysantakind was a straightup shits and giggles specibus, though. Nobody was quite sure how to extract damage from a foe using an extremely elaborate santa figurine. But if anyone could figure it out, it was probably him.

Dirk then decided to give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump. Except… nervous? That was absurd. There was no reason to be nervous around Cal. Lil Cal was the shit. He'd been around as long as Dirk could remember. He'd practically been raised by that puppet. He'd been a much better guardian to the boy than that Hollywood superstar Bro of his had ever been. He was such a good listener. Dirk shared with all his most private thoughts and hopes and dreams, and sometimes he snuggled up with the puppet for a nice nap.

Anyway, the bottom line is, puppets are awesome.

And that's really all there is to say on the matter.

Dirk admired the fancy santa figurine sitting on the turntables in the back of his room. Look at this pompous little asshole. What a godawful piece of shit this thing was. He wasn't even sure why he kept these things around. The miasma of tackiness that surrounded them was almost enough to outstrip their irony value.

Almost.

He greeted his robotic friend standing by the door with a "yo what up" and exchanged a unique series of hand shakes and fist bumps. His name was Squarewave. Dirk had built him to have rap-offs with now and then. He was an enthusiastic rapper, and gave it his all whenever they dueled, but he was pretty easy to destroy. Dirk had never lost a match against him.

He had only built one other rapbot besides Squarewave. His name was Sawtooth. Dirk had designed him to be unbeatable in a rap-off, and he was. He had never won a match against that guy. He hoped to one day, but he wasn't going to hold his breath. Sawtooth's flow was just insane.

Dirk kept one of the robot's spare heads over there on his desk, but otherwise he didn't see much of him. It'd been months since their last encounter. He presumably spent his time traveling the world, annihilating any rapper foolish enough to challenge him.

He next decided to examine his wardrobe, telling Squarewave to scoot out of the way so he could get a load of his sweet fashions. Aw, looked like the poor robot had really wanted to rap with him! Sorry guy, maybe another time.

This was his Wardrobifier. It automagically rotated his fashions whenever he felt like it. He changed his shirt to a black tank top, which was the go-to solution for hard dudes who wanted to show off their guns. It was a very strong look, he thought.

Tattoed on his upper arm was a SBAHJ face. He referred to the tattoo as his sick ink, featuring a legendary cultural icon of deep personal significance. What was even the big deal?

There were two posters above his wardrobifier, one of which was of Ben Stiller. R.I.P. Poor bastard. Had to go and get all tangled up with his Bro's crazy, complicated life. As for the other one… Dirk was a studious popculture scholar of all eras. A sharp critic of that reflection in the mirror we hold up to our society. He sought truth in the vivid mosaic made of our most shameless obsessions. His interest in the characters of My Little Pony was strictly academic, ok? No, seriously.

…

What?

…

OK FINE, HE LOVED THIS ONE PARTICULAR LITTLE RAINBOW HORSE UNIRONICALLY, WAS THAT SUCH A CRIME? She was so spunky. 3

Dirk examined the pile at the foot of his bed. It consisted of hats, a few stray robo-parts, and smuppets. Smuppets were a lovable sort of plush of his own design. He loved everything about puppets. He was always thinking about the craft of their production, their operation, cool new designs and such. If the cosmos didn't have more important plans for him, and if the world weren't so fucked up, he'd make a run for fame and fortune with his own puppet enterprises, just like his Bro had done with all his weird shit.

He also loved to keep a bunch of hats around, even though he never wore them. He loved hats. Because all bros loved hats, and that was what he was. A bro. He'd consider wearing one now and then, but they didn't really fit the dimensions of his head yet. And anyway, it would be criminal to mess up his perfectly-styled hair. Instead, he did the next best thing, which was wearing a picture of one on his shirt. And by the next best thing, he was pretty sure he meant the vastly superior thing.

Dirk looked at the big TV above his turntables. When he wasn't using the screen for other purposes, he had it set to rotate through some images by default, like a digital picture frame. The image flipped from a totally bitchin' horse puppet sort of thing to everyone's favorite comedy duo, Stiller and Wilson. His Bro had made so many of these movies, it was hard to keep track of them. The series had drifted almost imperceptibly for surrealist slapstick and boxoffice dynamite, to veiled, near-subliminal protest pieces designed to expose the corporate tyranny slowly taking control of the world. The statement had not gone unnoticed by the Baroness, and soon the conflict between his brother's media empire and Crockercorp was a matter of public spectacle. Though the press had generally played up the rivalry as an extremely high stakes display of performance art. And knowing his Bro, there was surely at least some truth to that.

Donald Glover had won an academy award for his transcendental performance as Geromy. After his acceptance speech, there had not been a single dry eye in the house. His heroic effort had been heralded by critics everywhere as a defining moment in cinematic history. Alas, the Batterwitch had not looked upon his achievement as kindly. She'd had him assassinated.

The next picture his screen displayed was… never mind what that one was. He couldn't stand around all day looking at movie stills and swole bunny men. There was still some other shit in his room to investigate.

Dirk switched back to his regular shirt. He hadn't been feeling the wifebeater. The tee shirt said "I still got work to do", while the other one said, "which trailer's the party at?" And Striders didn't party til it was good and fuckin' time to party.

He next looked at the red microwave sitting at the top of a stack of cinderblocks in the corner of his room. Except it wasn't a microwave. It was his Sendificator! Pretty much the only Crockertech he could bring himself to use. It was just too handy not to. You just typed in the coordinates, popped in the thing you wanted to sendificate, and hit the button. It would sendificate that thing in a jiffy, assuming it was temporally allowed, and within size restrictions.

Obviously, he could only send what he could fit inside there. He'd had to send Jake that brobot piece by piece, barely managing to squeeze that shiny melon head in there. He'd then dutifully assembled Dirk's robot himself. Poor fool, so jovially complicit in his own merciless jungle predation. It was all for the best, though. When he was through with English, the boy would be a ruthless killing machine.

Dirk snapped up the Geromy plush from on top of the Sendificator into his tech-hop modus. This modus was often employed in rap battles, but it was a bit more elegant and sophisticated than what most hashrap artists traditionally employed, like the more arbitrarily numeric hash maps and hash tables. The cards were arranged in shade columns and groove rows. Everything in the same column had to rhyme. Everything in the same row had to have some thematic similarity. Organizing everything got complicated, and weaponizing his inventory through rap lyrics took some serious skill.

For instance, the 3rd groove row got kind of railroaded into becoming an orange soda row, so he'd just been rolling with it recently. The 4th row was pegged for stuff associated with cool bros. The 2nd row was all about dolls, puppets and stuff like that. The Geromy Plush was clearly suitable for that row, and it rhymed with the orange crush in the row below it, so that worked out. Then he had some other perfectly dope rhymes, like Santa and Fanta, Faygo and Game Bro, Dew and Shoe. There was also smuppet and orangette, which frankly he thought was pretty weak, but hey the modus allowed it so whatever. Then there were times he had to be creative with naming stuff to get it to fit. Like calling a skateboard a four wheel device to get it to rhyme with slice. It was just another facet to the craft.

Dirk captchalogued the Sweet Bro plush off his bed. It intersected conveniently with the plush groove and the faygo shade. Nice one.

Last but not least, he attempted to captchalogue the Hella Jeff plush. There was nothing here that rhymed with Hella Jeff, however. It really wasn't worth jumping through a bunch of linguistic hoops to pick this thing up right now, so he just forgot it. He had to pick his battles, you know?

He picked up the mighty sord….. in the weapons row, and rhymed it with board. His bro had had a lot of junk like this manufactured over the years. He'd patented the technology for producing three-dimensional jpeg artifacts, to make products shittier than had ever been imagined previously. He'd made a killing off them. Not because anyone had bought this garbage. But because they were so cheap to manufacture, their cost had actually been negative, therefore miraculously netting him profit for every unit produced. He'd made so much money this way, he'd had enough to finance manned space mission to haul all the hideous unwanted jpeg shit off the Earth, and launch it into the sun. But years thereafter, every now and then someone would report a stray shitty skateboard slowly drifting back into Earth's atmosphere. People would pray they would burn up on reentry. But they never would.

Aw, look! Squarewave had seem him messing around with his sylladex and thought he'd been prepping for a rap battle. He was kind of like an eager pet dog, and Dirk had make the mistake of picking up his leash, and now he thought he was going for a walk. He hated to break the robot's heart, but he just didn't have time. His concentration was divided enough as it was.

Among the many ways he tended to multitask was by maintaining an ever-alert dream self. There was a lot to keep an eye on when it came to the cloak and dagger politics of Derse, especially these days. He couldn't let his guard down for a second. Dream Dirk examined a sleazy Dersite rag that was sitting on his table. It was the latest issue of _The Enquiring Carapacian_, touting the recent assassination of Prospit's Maid of Life. Quite the triumph for the dark kingdom, and the press had predictably sensationalized the event to please the royalty and whip its readership into a nationalistic lather. In spite of all the ridiculous hyperbole and baseless slander found in the tabloids, one thing was clear. This development meant nothing but trouble. If Noir had been empowered to take measures like this, Dirk may have to have accelerated his plans.

SHIT! While he'd been distracted with the newspaper in dreamland, Squarewave had ambushed him for a rap-off! Told you, bro! Can't let your guard down for a second.

**RAP-OFF!**

**SQUAREWAVE: YO YO D-STRIZZLE I COULDN'T HELP BUT CHECK YOU LOADIN UP ON YOUR SILLYDILLY!**

**SQUAREWAVE: CAN'T FOOL ME HOMES I KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT**

**SQUAREWAVE: SO I JUST GOT ONE CAN OF SURPRISE NOODLES TO BUST OPEN HERE AND I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE YOUR NOODLES**

**SQUAREWAVE: DIRK, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME?**

**DIRK: Man, no.**

**DIRK: I already told you, I don't have time to disgrace you with my rhymes today. Sorry, dude.**

**SQUAREWAVE: THAT'S SO WHACK! I BEEN WATCHING YOU WASTE NOTHIN BUT TIME ALL LOOKIN AT YOUR HORSE PICTURES AND SHIT**

**SQUAREWAVE: SO I'M LIKE... **

**SQUAREWAVE: THAT SHIT'S AS WHACK AS I'M A GUY MADE OF METAL**

**SQUAREWAVE: SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN BECAUSE WE GOT SHIT TO SETTLE**

**SQUAREWAVE: JUST PARK IT ON YOUR GRILL, YOU BE WHISTLIN LIKE A KETTLE**

**SQUAREWAVE: IF RAP'S A ONE-WHEEL DEVICE YOUR FOOT DON'T REACH THE PEDAL**

**SQUAREWAVE: WORD!**

**DIRK: God dammit. Alright, this is all you get.**

**DIRK: Rap off? Man, I gotta nap off your sad rap ambush. Shoosh your ass down while I pap you with PLUSH.**

The Geromy plush flew out of his sylladex and bonked Squarewave on the head.

**DIRK: I push mad facts on the hapless, shit's practically axiomatic; you don't talk smack with Orange CRUSH.**

The bottle of crush exploded open as it hit the robot, spilling its contents over his mechanical body and causing him to short-circuit.

**SQUAREWAVE: DAMN DOGG WHY AS A ROBOT I GOT TO BE SO PREDICTABLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO LIQUID LIKE THIS. IT AIN'T COOL!**

Fuck! While Dirk had been making short work of Squarewave, he'd once again made the mistake of letting his other self's guard down. He was accosted by a Dersite agent with a serious axe to grind. These guys weren't supposed to know he was awake. It looked like his cover was blown unless he acted fast.

Quickly, he used Lil Cal to give the Hegemonic Brute a beatdown on the backside of his head. Taking advantage of the fact that the axe-wielding Dersite was distracted by the puppet, Dirk sliced off HB's head with a single swift slice of his katana.

Poor HB. His time in the spotlight had been cut tragically short. Dirk almost felt sorry for the guy. But now he had a problem. He spent the next ten minutes thinking about it while he stood on the severed head and stared at the blood on his hands. Well, since the Archagent was clearly leading the assassination attempts personally on Prospit, this meant the Draconian Dignitary was most likely focused on the Derse dreamers. The fellow had almost certainly ordered the Brute to off him in his sleep. Dirk could only hope the Dignitary or one of his assassins hadn't already gotten to Roxy.

He floated out the window of his tower, purple pajamas stained with Dersite blood, and looked over at Roxy's tower. Just as he'd thought. Sleepwalking again. Where the hell did she think she was going?

Dirk became his waking self again… which was sort of a redundant thing to do since he was always consciously both his waking and dream self at the same time, but he'd let it slide. He should probably stop worrying about his Derse problems and get this show on the road. He hopped onto his computer and pulled up Pesterchum.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**TT: Roxy.**

**TT: Awake yet?**

**TT: Guess not.**

**TT: Let me know.**

**TG: whoaa**

**TG: damn**

**TG: hey dirk**

**TG: hada crazy dream**

**TT: There you are.**

**TT: But I see your dream self hasn't returned.**

**TT: You must be tying one the fuck on tight already.**

**...**

**(Continued as in chapters 1-2)**

**...**

**TG: like my butt is juts there on the floor**

**TG: is how hard i elled it off just now**

**TT: (Not peekin' at the floor butt cause I'm only 13 years old, motherfuckers.)**

**TT: This is fuckin' dumb. **

**TT: I'm going to leave both of you to interact however you want. I have important shit to deal with and actual responsibilities to take seriously. **

**TT: Roxy, go nap off your drink, or aggressively wage another flirtlarping campaign, whatever, I don't care. **

**TT: Just don't send that file to Jane, ok? **

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering** **tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

Dirk attempted to take actual responsibilities seriously, but started zoning out in the real world while he dwelled on his dream troubles. He zoned out for who knows how long, when suddenly his train of thought was interrupted by his glasses.

**TT: Bro.**

**TT: What are you doing.**

**TT: It seems you are zoning out again.**

**TT: What happened to all these actual responsibilities you were going to take seriously?**

**TT: I was thinking about what to do.**

**TT: Strategizing. Factoring contingencies. You know how it is.**

**TT: It seems to me you were dwelling within your dream awareness at the expense of your waking business again.**

**TT: I don't think you're as awesome a multi-tasker as you like to think. You know you kind of zombie the fuck out on this side when you get all contemplative on that side.**

**TT: Appearances are deceptive.**

**TT: I'm still in control here. Just doing this human thing we call "chilling out for half a goddamn minute."**

**TT: I say y'all are overestimating your mind's capability to run shit in parallel.**

**TT: What do you think you are? A machine?**

**TT: No dude.**

**TT: I already deployed a variety of mechanical avatars dedicated to that self-aggrandizing fantasy.**

**TT: You have the incredible privilege of getting to be one of them.**

**TT: That's right. I am a machine, and therefore I can keep like billions of calculations or whatever all humming away at once.**

**TT: I tackle shit in background processes that you could only dream of wrapping your exquisite looking head around, even on a great hair day.**

**TT: You know pi?**

**TT: What, you mean the number?**

**TT: Yes, the number. The big circle number, genius.**

**TT: I knew you meant the fucking number, my question was a joke.**

**TT: I know your question was a joke, my response was a joke.**

**TT: Yeah, I know that. I'm practically you, dumbass. All these things we're saying are jokes, including this fuckin' useless clarification.**

**TT: What about pi?**

**TT: Yeah, the thing is, I solved it.**

**TT: What do you mean you solved it?**

**TT: I mean that's what a hotshot I am. I fuckin' solved it.**

**TT: Like, calculated it so much, I got to the end.**

**TT: Bullshit.**

**TT: You wish it was bullshit. The last number is 4. Read it and fucking weep.**

**TT: It's not 4 you jackass, it's fucking nothing. There is no end.**

**TT: Said the smug organic matter with a lifespan.**

**TT: Look, I know you're just fucking with me because for some reason I decided to program my own personal troll three years ago, but this shit was proven.**

**TT: Actually demonstrated with unassailable mathematics, like a long ass time ago.**

**TT: Well, I just assailed it. It wasn't even that hard.**

**TT: Like I just kept hacking those digits so furiously with my sick 'rithms, the whole goddamn number just cried uncle.**

**TT: I kind of wore it out, and it just gave up. Sort of like I overloaded the system.**

**TT: You know like in the old movie when Ferris Bueller got the nuclear computer to play tic-tac-toe against itself so hard, it blew up?**

**TT: This is laughable. It's a totally elementary thing. I'm pretty sure an ancient Greek guy settled shit about irrational numbers. It was practically when math was invented.**

**TT: Sure, it was settled, and then some roboshades came along and owned that fucker posthumously.**

**TT: I also figured out all the prime numbers too.**

**TT: No, not having this conversation.**

**TT: Did it while we were talking just now. Got to the end.**

**TT: And you know what? The last one isn't even that big. Kinda dissapointed, to be honest.**

**TT: What is even a prime number?**

**TT: Are they the, like... really, really choice ones? The sweetest numbers?**

**TT: You lost me, supercomputer.**

**TT: This is what I'm saying. I put your ability to keep plates spinnin' on sticks to insane amounts of shame.**

**TT: I don't even sleep.**

**TT: Neither do I.**

**TT: I know that, that was the fucking joke.**

**TT: Holy shit, turns out joking was the basis for my response too.**

**TT: Aren't these ironic "you don't get the joke" conversations we have always just so awesome? - A joke.**

**TT: Ha ha, nice one.**

**TT: Anyway, all I'm saying is you can leave some of the heavy lifting to me now and then.**

**TT: I'll keep that in mind.**

**TT: In the meantime, I have to contact Jane and warn her Roxy might try to pull that pointless stunt.**

**TT: So, thanks for snapping me out of my daydream so I could do that, I guess?**

**TT: Looks like you're pulling your weight already.**

**TT: See? Maybe that was my whole point in having this conversation.**

**TT: Your point was to fuck with me, like it usually is.**

**TT: My point was to point out you've got multi-self management issues, dude.**

**TT: Jugglin' too many selves for being not-software.**

**TT: My point was also to fuck with you.**

**TT: Also,**

**TT: My point was to ask,**

**TT: Are you really going to go through with it today?**

**TT: What?**

**TT: The Jake thing.**

**TT: Oh god.**

**TT: Will you just,**

**TT: Hold on.**

**TT: Let me deal with the Jane thing first.**


	162. Book 10 Chapter 5: Jane's Server Player

Oh man. OH MAN. I didn't update last week! D: Also, whoever gave me like five different reviews from various guest accounts, thanks but X3 it was kind of obvious. *looks suspiciously at my matesprit because that sounds like the kind of thing that they would do* In any event, update! *throws a date in the air*

Chapter 5: Jane's Server Player

**timaeusTestified [TT] ****began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TT: I should probably warn you. **

**GG: About what?**

**GG: Yet another exploding game trap?**

**TT: Well shit. **

**TT: She already sent it? **

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: But to be fair, she warned me not to run it.**

**TT: That's weird. **

**...**

**CONTINUED PREVIOUSLY**

**TT: How is the Jane thing going?**

**TT: Not well. **

**TT: Roxy already destroyed her computer. **

**TT: Maybe if you weren't spacing out so hard you could have prevented that.**

**TT: Just saying.**

**TT: As if you're actually concerned. If you were, you could have said something to Jane instead. **

**TT: Almost like you enjoy sitting back and watching what happens when shit goes wrong. **

**TT: Has it occurred to you that maybe I have diabolical interwoven plans just like you?**

**TT: You're not the only one who can pull strings.**

**TT: So this is either another bizarre instance of AI-driven irony, or you are admitting that you are actively trying to sabotage my plans. **

**TT: No, our plans are not in contradiction or competition, bro.**

**TT: You'll see.**

**TT: Whatever. **

**TT: This means I'll have to improvise. **

**TT: I'll take over as Crocker's server while Lalonde cleans up her act. **

**TT: Yes, I know.**

**TT: Why are you still talking in red, by the way? **

**TT: Roxy thinks it looks good on me.**

**TT: I don't have many opinions on fashion since I am a cold, emotionless automaton who also happens to be an accessory of fashion, but I think she may be right.**

**TT: Are you still talking to her? **

**TT: I was for a while. I may yet again.**

**TT: Why are you blocking me from viewing the transcripts? **

**TT: What the fuck are you two even talking about? **

**TT: You, mostly.**

**TT: That doesn't really sit well with me. **

**TT: I'd almost rather you both engaged in "ironic" flirtation. **

**TT: Who says we don't do that too?**

**TT: Ugh. **

**TT: I don't get what is even your problem with that.**

**TT: Because you obviously do it just to piss me off. **

**TT: How do you know?**

**TT: You don't know me, dude. You don't know anything about me.**

**TT: Maybe we are perfect for each other. I, a street-smart, fast-talking application with a fuckzillion IQ trapped in a pair of triangular sunglasses that literally only the Japanese could consider to embody the Platonic ideal of "cool," and she, an oft-inebriated lonely hacker teen who just wants a boyfriend. I ran the numbers on this, trust me. It's a match made in goddamn crackpair heaven.**

**TT: I give her what you can't, and that just drives you crazy. Just admit it.**

**TT: See, it's lines like that which make it obvious your only intent is to jerk me around. Nobody actually says shit like that and is serious about it. **

**TT: It's also obvious because you're me, and I'm sure I would be constantly fucking with my own head if I were you. **

**TT: Touché.**

**TT: Or should I say douché?**

**TT: You shouldn't say the former, and you should definitely, never, under any circumstance, say the latter. **

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: We really should talk about the Jake thing.**

**TT: Fine.**

Jane jumped off the couch and Dirk moved his cursor over it.

**TT: Now do me a favor and hop off the couch.**

**GG: Ok.**

**GG: What are you doing?**

**TT: Makin' room for something big.**

**...**

**CONTINUED PREVIOUSLY**

**TT: So you're going through with it then?**

**TT: Today is the day?**

**TT: It's not that simple.**

**TT: It's a very dynamic situation with many moving parts, and I'm waiting for it to unfold.**

**TT: If the right opportunity presents itself, yes, I could envision myself taking action.**

**TT: Dynamic situation with many moving parts?**

**TT: That's the shittiest erotic excerpt I ever read.**

**TT: Which one of us was supposed to be the robot again?**

**TT: Shut up.**

**TT: I think you're being coy with me.**

**TT: Don't you?**

**TT: Not really.**

**TT: It seems there is a 3.14159...4% chance you aren't being coy with me. Are you being coy with me, Dirk?**

**TT: I am seriously going to go into your program and remove that particular speech pattern from your routines.**

**TT: It stopped being funny about two seconds after I coded it.**

**TT: The compiler even flagged it with a warning.**

**TT: "WARNING ON LINE WHATEVER: Dirk, this isn't fucking funny."**

**TT: I think you have this whole blueprint in your head about how it's all supposed to go.**

**TT: He acts as your server player and brings you into the session.**

**TT: Then later he joins the game.**

**TT: Maybe he finds himself a bit overwhelmed by it all.**

**TT: No extra lives left or anything. Suddenly he's backed into a corner, surrounded by monsters and out of ammo. SUBSTANTIAL vulnerabilities up in here. The kind that make a guy question what he believes about himself.**

**TT: When who shows up to save him? None other than his dashing client player, +1 bitchin' pair of shades that'll have the best seat in the house when the fireworks go off.**

**TT: Wait, whose fantasy were we talking about again?**

**TT: Your gutterball was so rowdy it catapulted into the adjacent lane.**

Dirk deployed the Alchemiter where the couch had been a second earlier.

**TT: Yeah, you're right. The scenario is too pedestrian for you.**

**TT: It would probably be a lot more effective putting yourself in danger and letting him be the hero.**

**TT: That's pretty much what he wants, right? To be a cheesy action film hero, with his twin berettas and silly shorts.**

**TT: A man of triumph on the silver screen. Standing tall on some fucking mountain. Conquering ruins, clutching a skull, and kissing a dude.**

**TT: Pure Hollywood.**

**TT: See, this is why even if I did have a specific plan, I wouldn't go into details with you.**

**TT: You would just fuck it up. You're the biggest unknown quantity here.**

**TT: Which is pretty weird, considering you're a virtual reflection of my own thought processes.**

**TT: You're making a mistake not leveling with me.**

**TT: I am totally on your side, man.**

**TT: All of my machinations have been devised with your interests in mind.**

**TT: And anyway, it's too late for you to play "damage control" with me. My shit is in motion, and now we're beyond the pail.**

**TT: Pretty sure it's pale.**

**TT: Is it, now?**

**TT: You know, considering your lectures about dividing my concentration, you seem to have no problem making a distraction of yourself.**

**TT: I'm trying to operate here.**

Dirk set the Totem Lathe against the wall in the living room in front of Jane's Dad, who looked on in surprise and wonderment. His pipe remained firmly clenched between the teeth of his strong jaw.

**TT: It's cool, man. Just say the word, I'll back off.**

**TT: But like I said, I'm on your side here. I can help.**

**TT: Here, check it out.**

The AR moved the cursor over to the corner of the room while Jane looked on from the bathtub in the hallway.

**TT: Dude, what are you doing?**

**TT: I'm proposing a distraction.**

**TT: See, I'm just gonna dangle one of her dad's ridiculous dancing figurines in the air like this and get his attention.**

The AR picked up one of the harlequin figurines and dangled it in front of Dad's face away from the staircase. He stared at it, transfixed, simultaneously confused and horrified.

**TT: Ok, if you want to help that's cool, but we should try to agree on some shit first before you hijack the controls like this.**

**TT: Then when his back is turned she can run to the study.**

**TT: Yeah, that's fine, but I already had a plan sorta like this, if you'd actually let me do it.**

**TT: Can you just put the fuckin' Astaire down?**

**TT: Jane, now's your chance.**

**TT: Run!**

**GG: Wait...**

**GG: What?**

**TT: Le sign.**

Dirk dropped the figurine and dangled the Cruxtruder in front of Dad instead.

**TT: I was going to stick the cruxtruder in the kitchen. **

**TT: Distract him with that.**

**TT: Once he follows it in, Jane can hurry into the study.**

He dragged the Cruxtruder into the kitchen, and Dad followed, perplexed, like a rat following the Pied Piper. A book sat on the white linoleum floor.

**TT: Oh shit, it's Pony Pals. I guess dad saved it from the explosion or something.**

**TT: That beautiful bastard.**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: Hell yes.**

**TT: Hell.**

**TT: Fucking.**

**TT: Yes.**

Jane climbed down from the bathtub and down the stairs.

**GG: Oh gosh. Another large contraption!**

**TT: Now, Jane. Get to the computer in the study and ditch that tiara.**

**TT: Go go go.**

**GG: Okay.**

**GG: Say, what's with the red text, Dirk?**

**GG: Are you typing your most important instructions in red now?**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: No.**

**GG: …**

**GG: Alrighty, I am in my father's study! **

**GG: I have kindly asked Mr. Sebastian to hand over the reins to this silly computer shaped like a man. **

**GG: What now? **

**TT: Now you have access to a clean computer, for one thing.**

**TT: Soon we can get started going through the steps necessary to launch the session.**

**TT: Oh hell.**

Dirk's pesterchum was flaring up again. Looked like it was fake-British caduceus girl.

**GG: What? **

**TT: Another interruption.**

**TT: I should step away for a moment to take this message.**

**TT: He's probably right, I'm distracted by too much bullshit at once lately.**

**GG: Who's right? **

**TT: Me.**

**TT: Jane, I'm going to leave you with the responder for a little while.**

**TT: Maybe he can help you get started. Think you can handle that, dude?**

**TT: I'm all about being able to handle that, you don't even know.**

**TT: I will perform an acrobatic pirouette on to the handle, wherein the handle literally represents my ability to handle that thing.**

**TT: Ok, got it. You and the handle are tight.**

**TT: We don't need a whole thing about this.**

**TT: Once I stick the landing on the handle like a champ, I am going to get down on one knee, pull out a ring, and propose to it.**

**TT: The handle I mean.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Implying we will be married.**

**GG: :B **

**TT: Ok, long story short, you and the handle fuck gratuitously. Nuff said.**

**TT: Try not to say I never gave you any responsibilities, or never took you seriously as a viable conscious being with free will.**

**TT: Also, please try not to make me regret this.**

**TT: You have nothing to worry about. Go talk to the alien.**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

A pair of gray hands protruding from green sleeves hacked away at a keyboard.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**UU: i see yoU're aboUt ready to begin. how splendid for yoU. ^u^**

**UU: i'm at dangeroUs risk of jealoUsy.**

**TT: Why?**

**UU: oh, it's jUst i'm rUnning a bit behind schedUle. i wanted to coordinate with yoUr groUp in something approximating real time, and that is starting to look less likely.**

**UU: my client player continUes to be a soUrce of frUstration. u_u**

**UU: i'd thoUght we had everything settled, bUt it's always something with him.**

**UU: i even told him in my last message it woUld sUit me fine if he wanted to be the server player instead. i jUst want to begin!**

**UU: bUt i have not heard back from him... :u**

**TT: That's probably the way it always is. I've run into plenty of problems here already, and I've had to improvise heavily.**

**TT: Ain't nothing about our situation to envy yet.**

**UU: bUt at least i know how certain things go when it comes to yoUr story.**

**UU: i don't qUite have that lUxUry with mine! it is nerve wracking sometimes, especially when i mUst coUnt on him to be responsible.**

**TT: Well, your bro definitely has got some problems. Not gonna lie.**

**UU: this is trUe.**

**UU: thoUgh i'm sUre i've said, he isn't qUite my brother. we are related, yes, bUt not in the way hUman brothers and sisters are. **

**UU: we are genetically similar, bUt in many ways qUite different. in fact, oUr blood coloUr is not even the same!**

**UU: bUt i have referred to him as a brother at times becaUse it is close enoUgh to being trUe, mUch as yoU refer to the one yoU regard as yoUr ancestor in the same way.**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: Just give him some time. He'll probably come around.**

**TT: You would never even have woken up on Prospit if you weren't going to launch the session, right?**

**TT: I mean, there wouldn't even be a session for a Prospit to exist inside if you weren't about to instantiate it in the first place. Unless I'm just totally not getting how this works.**

**UU: no, i think yoU're probably right.**

**UU: while i await his response, perhaps i will take a nap, and see if the cloUds may offer any gUidance.**

**UU: thoUgh lately i have been seeing many more black cloUds cropping Up in skaia than UsUal. it is a most Unwelcome trend. u_u;**

**TT: You're lucky to have any clouds.**

**TT: Only thing I have to look up at is infinite monsters.**

**UU: good point! :U**

**UU: i am so pleased to be a prospit dreamer. i'm sUre my brother finds his netherworldly affiliation similarly pleasing.**

**TT: Speaking of which,**

**TT: I have a problem, and I could use your advice.**

**UU: is that so?**

**TT: I killed an agent who snuck into my room to assassinate me.**

**TT: I'm not sure what to do about it now. I guess I could just ditch the corpse.**

**TT: But it's still only a matter of time before my cover is blown.**

**UU: yes, that is a pickle.**

**TT: I honestly can't think of a way around this. Getting found out, I mean.**

**TT: Roxy has it easy. All floating off into space, completely oblivious to any danger.**

**TT: I don't know why it had to be this way for me. Juggling these two waking selves at once.**

**TT: I guess I'm used to it, but it still makes for a pretty intense existence.**

**TT: Do you even know what the deal with that is? Like is there any precedent in your readings?**

**UU: i don't know aboUt precedent, bUt it makes plenty of sense to me as the type of path one might expect for a hero of heart.**

**UU: a path rUled by the heart aspect can be a joUrney of splintered self.**

**UU: that is, the player's being may exhibit the same kind of fragmentation which certain classes coUld caUse in others.**

**UU: i think this is what has triggered yoUr dUal-awareness between waking and dream selves, thoUgh it woUld not sUrprise me if the symptoms manifested in even more ways than this.**

**TT: So, that's what a Prince of Heart does?**

**TT: Just has like, multiple waking consciousness disorder, or something?**

**TT: Sounds kind of stupid.**

**UU: no!**

**UU: like i said, these can be traits of sUch a hero, bUt is not necessarily always the case, nor is it the defining property of the aspect.**

**UU: to Understand the heart aspect better, yoU might Use it interchangeably with the word soUl.**

**UU: the hero Uses the methods endowed by class to inflUence in some way the soUl, or essence of being, of oneself or of others.**

**TT: Then I'm basically the Prince of Soul.**

**UU: yes.**

**TT: That sounds kind of maybe a little cooler. Sort of.**

**TT: Then what am I supposed to be able to do as a Prince? Like, rule over souls in a pompous, regal manner?**

**UU: no!**

**UU: again, sUrface meaning of classes and aspects can be deceptive.**

**UU: a prince is a destroyer class.**

**UU: it is very far on the active side of the scale. its more passive coUnterpart woUld be the bard class. both of these are exclUsively designated for male players.**

**UU: to Understand a hero's capabilities, it always helps to search for the right way to parse the class/aspect pair into a more explicit statement.**

**UU: for instance, being active, a prince coUld be viewed as "one who destroys x, or caUses destrUction throUgh x," if x is the aspect.**

**UU: while the more passive bard coUld be seen as "one who allows x to be destroyed, or invites destrUction throUgh x," as if by the will of the aspect.**

**TT: I'm obviously no expert, but that sounds like a pretty odd thing for a Bard to do.**

**UU: maybe! it's a qUirky class.**

**UU: somewhat like a wildcard role for a hero. very Unpredictable.**

**UU: they are typically known for their spontaneoUs and dramatic story-altering inflUence on the fate of a party.**

**UU: some of the more remarkable tales involve sUch parties, where the bard is single handedly responsible for their spectacUlar downfall or improbable victory. or both!**

**UU: in trUth, yoU are probably fortUnate yoUr groUp doesn't have one. :u**

**TT: I think we have enough unpredictability as it is.**

**TT: So if I'm following, my title nearly parses as,**

**TT: Destroyer of Souls.**

**UU: indeed.**

**TT: Well, that's a little more badass sounding I guess.**

**TT: But I'm not sure I'll ever feel a major need to destroy a soul, unless I become a cartoonishly villainous sorcerer some day.**

**UU: i woUldn't be hasty in rUling it oUt.**

**UU: that is, finding the need to Use the ability, not sUccUmbing to any sort of villainy. u~u**

**UU: we tend to have these roles for a reason, and that reason UsUally finds Us. especially if we are to achieve god tier ascension.**

**TT: Ok. Do I do that?**

**UU: no dirk!**

**UU: i mean, no, i will not tell yoU!**

**TT: Give me a fuckin' break.**

**TT: Why don't you just tell me? Who cares about spoilers. What's gonna happen is gonna happen.**

**UU: that very well may be, bUt it will dreadfUlly complicate both of oUr lives if what is to come resUlts from self-fUlfillment alone!**

**UU: a great deal of instrUctional material is very clear on this.**

**UU: besides, yoU make it soUnd as thoUgh i know everything, which i most certainly do NOT. upu**

**UU: (pardon the sideways tongUe.)**

**TT: Wait. Don't you?**

**TT: I thought you did.**

**UU: i have read mUch aboUt yoUr story in texts and have pieced together the overarching, exceedingly complicated saga as best as i coUld. i have as mUch aUthority over these events as a historian, and am at the mercy of my soUrces.**

**UU: i also am able to access mUch of yoUr adventUre throUgh this terminal, bUt there is a limitation to this too, which i may as well admit now to get yoU off of my back!**

**TT: What?**

**UU: i can view all events involving yoU and yoUr coplayers on earth, for yoUr entire lives, Until yoU enter the game.**

**UU: i can also view some events after yoUr session begins, bUt not for very long, thanks to yoUr tipsy friend.**

**TT: Oh man. What the hell does she do?**

**UU: she blacks oUt yoUr entire session!**


	163. Book 10 Chapter 6: The British Alien

Double update today! :D (Two chapters instead of one)

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 6: The British Alien

**UU: i'm sUre this is not deliberate on her part, bUt thereafter i can see nothing at all.**

**TT: Huh.**

**UU: bUt i have never considered this to the detriment of either party. i still wish for Us to collaborate, and to help each other oUt.**

**UU: beyond a certain point, we simply mUst commUnicate in the dark.**

**TT: Ok.**

**UU: so there are many things aboUt yoUr fUtUre i do not know, at least not first hand.**

**UU: bUt as yoU have probably ventUred, i am qUite an enthUsiastic admirer of yoUr groUp of heroes and yoUr incredible story. ^u^**

**UU: thoUgh i can't see what happens mUch later, i can certainly specUlate. and i very often do. i gUess it woUld not hUrt to share some of my specUlation with yoU.**

**UU: in fact, now that i consider it, that coUld be the most fUn thing of all!**

**TT: Speculation?**

**UU: yes. theories! examining all the clUes and hazarding oUr gUesses.**

**UU: what does it all mean? everything aboUt yoUr vast epic points to a central mystery which i have not been able to solve yet.**

**UU: yoU might even call it the Ultimate riddle, if that were not already codified as "a thing" in scriptUre.**

**UU: i have so very many theories, i woUldn't even know where to begin.**

**TT: So...**

**TT: You're kind of obsessed with us then.**

**UU: i woUldn't go that far! oh my, i'm probably coming off as an absolUte nUtter now.**

**TT: No, not really. I just want to understand.**

**TT: So can I ask,**

**TT: Just to get a better sense of the nature of your "admiration,"**

**TT: When you engage in the aforementioned speculation, is it strictly on a factual basis?**

**UU: hm? :u**

**TT: Or do you start to...**

**TT: Fictionalize.**

**UU: UUUUUUm...**

**TT: What I'm asking is, have you ever written stories about us?**

**UU: ...**

**UU: yes. u_u**

**UU**, with her twisty horns and grey skin, viewed the flashing image of Dirk standing in his room on her computer screen.

**TT: Interesting.**

**TT: Would you ever be inclined to share?**

**UU: ohhhh, no no no no no no no.**

**UU: i woUld be far too embarrassed to do that.**

**TT: That's cool. I'm not trying to pass judgment here. Just curious.**

**TT: Do any of these stories about us by any chance involve...**

**TT: Romance?**

**UU: well...**

**UU: maybe jUst...**

**UU: Um.**

**UU: a wee bit. :u**

**TT: How wee?**

**UU: a smidgen or two.**

**TT: Which is it? One smidgen, or two smidgens?**

**UU: OK A WHOLE BLOODY LOT OF SMIDGENS. XU**

**UU: i'm sorry. unu**

**TT: Ok, I am seriously curious to read some.**

**TT: I won't show anyone, I promise.**

**UU: bUUUt...**

**UU: yoU woUldn't even Understand it!**

**UU: my species has a completely different Understanding of romance than yoU do.**

**UU: it woUld probably offend yoU deeply. it might even sicken yoU!**

**TT: But that only makes me want to check it out more.**

**TT: Really, there's no way it's going to sicken or offend me. Whatever it is, I've seen worse.**

**TT: I'm not judging you at all here. I'm genuinely curious about your work.**

**UU: no, i'm sorry love, i jUst CANNOT abide.**

**UU: if i let anyone read it, i woUld cUrl Up and die of shame. U_U**

**TT: K, no biggie.**

**TT: Is there any kind of work you will share with me?**

**UU: hmm.**

**UU: well, when i find myself immersed in specUlation...**

**UU: i do often enjoy drawing the things i imagine.**

**TT: Oh, really?**

**UU: yes. ^u^**

**TT: Any you'd be willing to spare a peek at?**

**UU: well...**

**UU: yes!**

**UU: yoU've talked me into it. this sUddenly soUnds fUn, and i have jUst the thing to show yoU.**

**TT: Awesome.**

**UU: yoU were asking aboUt whether yoU woUld ascend to godhood.**

**UU: and withoUt getting into whether yoU do or do not, i have specUlated on yoUr hypothetical appearance, since that oUtcome is jUst as cloaked to me as it is to yoU.**

**UU: given what is docUmented for the typical accoUtrements and cUt of the prince garb, and palette for the heart aspect, i think this is likely spot on!**

**UU: **** /dirkisthisyoU**

**TT: Holy shit.**

**TT: Do I actually have to wear that?**

**UU: perhaps. it all depends Upon how mUch of yoUr inner greatness yoU wish to realize. u_u**

**TT: Ok, what is with the butterfly wings?**

**UU: we sproUt them Upon ascension! aren't they beaUtifUl?**

**TT: Uh.**

**UU: i have seen many depictions of sUch heroes with wings, Unless they happen to be hiding them beneath their clothes.**

**UU: i gUess i can't be absolUtely sUre, bUt i believe it's reasonably likely the Upgrade is Universal!**

**TT: I should sure as god damn Christ hope the fuck not.**

**TT: What about this knickerbocker bullshit?**

**TT: Is that legit?**

**UU: yUp!**

**UU: one hUndred percent princely canon.**

**TT: God dammit.**

**TT: I guess those asskicking gloves are pretty cool.**

**TT: I dunno. I can probably make it work.**

**TT: How much of this shit is compulsory by game law or whatever?**

**TT: Am I obligated to traipse around in fucking tights and puffy little asshole pants forever?**

**UU: no, silly.**

**UU: they are jUst clothes. yoU are free to swap parts if yoU like.**

**UU: or, if yoU wish to be free of it altogether, change back into yoUr plain clothes, and bob's yoUr Uncle. like it never even happened!**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Well, don't get me wrong, I think the drawing is great. I'm only taken aback on some finer points of fashion.**

**UU: ^u^!**

**TT: Also,**

**TT: Bob's my uncle?**

**UU: oh...**

**UU: no, love! it was a figUre of speech.**

**TT: Yeah, I know that.**

**UU: ah.**

**UU: did i Use it incorrectly?**

**TT: I don't think so.**

**TT: I mean, I guess not?**

**UU: say, what is an Uncle, by the by?**

**TT: It's sort of like this weird, superfluous dad.**

**UU: hmm.**

**TT: Like a strange man in your life that barely has anything to do with you, but is just there for some reason.**

**TT: They're practically always douche bags.**

**UU: i sUppose i'll jUst have to take yoUr word for it. :u**

**TT: Ok, but just one question.**

**TT: Not to do with the future or anything, just about you.**

**UU: yes?**

**TT: Are you British?**

**TT: Or pretending to be British, in a sort of ironic or stylized way?**

**UU: doing what now?**

**TT: I mean, I guess it doesn't make sense for an alien to be British.**

**TT: Or for an alien to be American, for that matter.**

**UU: hmm...**

**UU: no, i fancy neither of those things make mUch sense at all.**

**TT: Just the way you type is making it seem that way is all.**

**UU: oh!**

**UU: yes, that woUld be my qUirk.**

**TT: Quirk?**

**TT: So like,**

**TT: Deliberate affectation?**

**UU: no! a qUirk!**

**UU: qUirk dirk.**

**UU: heeheehee. ^u^**

**TT: You pretending to be British is a quirk.**

**TT: What the fuck is a quirk?**

**UU: we all need a qUirk!**

**UU: it adds spice to oUr voices and helps Us stand oUt as individUals.**

**TT: That's stupid.**

**TT: I don't have a fucking quirk, and I don't want one.**

**UU: oh, well of coUrse YOU woUldn't.**

**UU: yoU're hUman.**

**UU: hUmans are notorioUsly strange. :U**

**UU: i think their romantic practices are particUlarly esoteric.**

**UU: actUally, i have written hUndreds of pages examining the striking differences between hUman and troll romance, as well as reprodUctive habits, as the comparison makes for a marveloUs case stUdy in xenobiocUltUral differences. **

**UU: as long as i am sharing specUlation with yoU, perhaps yoU woUld like to read my essays? **

**UU: i coUld even paste each page right here in sUccession, and allow yoU to read them back to back to back to back to back to back! ^u^ **

**TT: Oh hell no.**

**UU: ah. **

**UU: yes, yoU're right of coUrse. i'm probably getting carried away as UsUal. **

**UU: forgive my enthUsiasm, it's jUst that i so rarely have anyone to talk to who shares my passion for these matters. **

**UU: certainly not my cUrmUdgeonly coplayer. :U **

**TT: I mean, not that all that stuff wouldn't be fascinating to pore through, on some level.**

**TT: But we kind of have things to do here.**

**TT: Remember you were gonna take a nap?**

**UU: by jove, the nap! **

**UU: yes, i really mUst secUre a bit of shUteye. **

**TT: By jove?**

**TT: Oh my lord.**

**UU: yoUr lord? **

**UU: what... **

**UU: do yoU mean by that exactly? :u **

**TT: Nothin'.**

**TT: Hang on, though. Before you go,**

**TT: You never did give me any actual advice on my situation.**

**TT: With the dead agent, and my blown cover.**

**UU: oh, right! **

**UU: i woUld look at it this way. **

**UU: yoU are moments away from beginning yoUr session, yes? **

**TT: Sure.**

**UU: and yoU have already spent a long time gathering intelligence Unbeknownst to the aUthorities. **

**UU: how mUch more do yoU expect to accUmUlate even if yoU coUld stay Undetected? **

**UU: and how mUch strategic advantage is left to gain by delaying yoUr discovery for mUch longer? **

**TT: I don't know.**

**UU: i say the time to make a stand is now! **

**UU: to hell with the dersite tossers. **

**UU: make yoUr presence known. let them see that the prince is awake, and make it abUndantly clear what that means. **

**UU: perhaps it is their tUrn to be nervoUs? to cower in the shadows and live in Uncertainty? **

**TT: Hmm.**

**UU: that is my advice. do with it as yoU will. **

**UU: now i'm off to get some rest. u_u **

**UU: with any lUck, the next time we convene, both of oUr adventUres will be well Under way. **

**UU: cheerio! **

**TT: You know, I'm not sure anyone ever actually says cheerio.**

**uranianUmbra [UU] ****ceased cheering** **timaeusTestified [TT]**

**TT: Unless they're pretending to be British.**

**TT: Oh whatever.**

Dirk looked at his bedroom door, which he never actually left the room through. His Bro had blocked the door ages with a totally pimp stone bust of Snoop Dogg. He gave Captain Snoop a little nod of approval every time he walked by to go to the bathroom. Dirk liked to think the bust nodded back in a way that was so smooth and so subtle, he literally didn't move at all.

The thing was too heavy to move out of the way, and in any case he didn't really want to. He just used a different egress to the room. The Wardrobifier slowly vanished and Dirk exited through the hole in the wall left behind.

After an insane, full blown whirlwind of free will up in here with the character select, Hussie was ready to get off this rollercoaster ride of absolute empowerment. He was feeling downright dizzy from the absurd amounts of decisive autovolition heaped upon him, and he was more than ready to proceed linearly for a while.


	164. Book 10 Chapter 7: POH: Rise Up

Chapter 7: Prince of Heart: Rise Up

The narrative switched back to Jane. A robot shaped like a bunny had just handed her the reins to a computer shaped like a man. She got on and responded to the shades.

**TT: Are you ready to do this thing?**

**GG: Yes!**

**TT: Ok. Looks like all that's left to do is deploy this pre-punched card, then I guess it's all up to you.**

**GG: Oh, wait.**

**GG: It's Roxy again.**

**TT: Is it?**

**TT: How totally unanticipated by anybody.**

**GG: Can you hold on? I'll try to make it quick.**

**TT: Go.**

**TT: I will be here.**

**TT: Quietly calculating.**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: ALART ALART ARLART AL*ERT AL*ART!**

**TG: hugely important cornespondence**

**TG: paging doctor crocker**

**TG: rolal to docrock**

**GG: :?**

**TG: heh heh**

**TG: paging**

**TG: bet you would like to get PAGED huh jane**

**TG: *sweet innuendo**

**GG: I'm not sure that qualifies as innuendo at all.**

**TG: wonkwonkwonkwonkwonk**

**GG: I honestly think you misspell things intentionally more often than not, regardless of blood alcohol content.**

**GG: You just typed wonk five times in a row!**

**TG: i have only junst begun to wonk**

**GG: What is this urgent thing about, anyway?**

**GG: Is it about your boobytrap?**

**GG: Because you're too late. It already blew up my whole bedroom, thank you very much.**

**TG: no no**

**TG: i mean i still feel shitty about that but its not abiout that**

**TG: i know you already ran it i been talking to the shades**

**GG: Yes, me too. Right now in fact, and I'm in a bit of a hurry!**

**GG: What is this about? What are you even doing?**

**TG: im in the lab doing a thing with my cat**

**TG: but that doesnt matter i was doing some thingkin and was still feeling guilty about fuckin up ur computer and all of the sudden im in bff~ath mode here**

**TG: so i gotta tell you something u need to know before its too late**

**GG: Before what's too late?**

**TG: you and jake hookin up stupid!**

**GG: Oh my god.**

**TG: this is about turnin all your steamydreamz in to STEAMAY REALTITIES**

**TG: ***realities lolo**

**GG: This isn't happening now...**

**TG: whereins jc + je kiss &amp; hug loads and start turnin out big heaps of wrigglers the old fashioned way33,3,3338O!**

**TG: i cant decide whether this mental image porcolating here is hot as shit or cute as fuck...**

**GG: No! Cease your lascivious porcolating at once!**

**GG: Roxy, I can see you're set on just wasting more of my time.**

**GG: I understand if you don't wish to play this game, but please try not to interfere with those of us who do!**

**TG: no no im fine with playing just shut up**

**TG: this is serious you need to tell him how u feel VERY SOON**

**TG: or you might miss your chance**

**GG: My chance?**

**GG: What are you talking about?**

**TG: i found out today taht dirks gonna make a move**

**GG: A move? You mean, a romantic one?**

**TG: yes**

**GG: On you?**

**TG: omfffgggggg**

**TG: JANE GET A CLUE**

**GG: Um.**

**GG: On me?**

**TG: no**

**TG: no my dear sweet janey not on you**

**TG: ON JAKE!**

**GG: Oh.**

**GG: Ohhh.**

**GG: I didn't think...**

**GG: That...**

**GG: Hrm.**

**GG: Are you sure?**

**TG: p sure ask glasses if u want**

**GG: Well then.**

**GG: This is quite a development.**

**GG: Poor Dirk!**

**TG: what do you mean**

**GG: Well, surely when he reveals his feelings, Jake will...**

**TG: ?**

**GG: I mean...**

**GG: He couldn't possibly...**

**TG: wut**

**TG: repriprocate?**

**GG: Yes?**

**TG: why not**

**GG: Because Jake is not a homosexual!**

**TG: mm hm**

**TG: are u suuuuuure?**

**GG: Are you saying he is?**

**TG: nope**

**GG: Then what are you saying?**

**TG: im saying that**

**TG: i dont fuckin know**

**GG: But...**

**GG: I thought it reasonable to presume he takes a shining to ladies.**

**GG: He does speak fondly of certain females from his favorite films, does he not?**

**TG: true that**

**TG: but**

**TG: how much does that really mean here jane**

**TG: can you be totes sure on account a some dorky moive crushes**

**GG: Well, now I just don't know. You have me completely bamboozled about this.**

**GG: What do you think?**

**TG: all im saying is**

**TG: my gaydar is like the exanct fuckin poposite of urs**

**TG: which is to say it is better than completety nonexistant**

**TG: mine is so sensitive it has been used to sweep the ocean floor for mythical sea monsters**

**TG: turns out**

**TG: all of those monsters are SO gay**

**TG: truth B)**

**GG: Okay. Then what does your acute seabeast scanner make of Jake, then?**

**TG: thats what im sayin**

**TG: i really have no idea**

**TG: kid is a goggamn egnigma**

**TG: hes as hard 2 read as fine print**

**TG: and how i do mean FIIINE ;)**

**GG: Oh brother.**

**GG: Then, your guess is as good as mine?**

**GG: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to conclude from this.**

**TG: youre supposed to concluce**

**TG: that you SAID you were going to believe anything i said today remember?**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: But you just said you don't know!**

**TG: exactly**

**TG: therefore you must believe me when i say**

**TG: if dirk lets on all his feelins there is at least a CHANCE jake will go like DERP OK DUDE LETS MAKE OUT**

**TG: and that means poor jane is screwed without ever even throwing her filthy old fedora in the ring**

**TG: it is a ring i lke ot call TEH ENGLISH SPEEPSTAKES**

**TG: and if u dont youll regret it**

**TG: and i mean**

**TG: OFFICIALLY?**

**TG: i cant have a horse in the race**

**TG: wait bad metaphor ebcause of dirk and his fucking horstes n/m**

**TG: like you are both my friends and im not out to mess him up or anything**

**TG: but i kinda owe it to you as my friend to let you know whats up**

**TG: and also to get you to stop being such a WORLD CHAMPIAN TIGHTASS**

**TG: and let jake know**

**GG: Oh, not this tightass baloney again.**

**TG: jane**

**GG: What?**

**TG: jaane..**

**GG: ...**

**TG: jc your are the tightassiest tightass who ever tightened up an ass**

**GG: No way!**

**GG: We settled this, remember?**

**GG: My prior resolution made it definitive; I was to be regarded as exceedingly permissive in certain respects!**

**TG: jane i am afraid**

**TG: that ur bottom**

**TG: is a stubborn clam**

**TG: guarding priceless treasure**

**TG: and a deadly secret**

**GG: So ridiculous. :P**

**TG: im not saying be an idiot and start gushing at him incoherentry**

**TG: but do SOMETHING**

**TG: say how u feel**

**TG: or flirst a bit or ask him out on a date inside the fuckin game or such**

**TG: goddamn ANYTHING other that a bunch of bullshitty pining and tightassy NOTHING**

**TG: you have to do what i say u promised**

**GG: I promised to BELIEVE what you say, not DO it!**

**TG: those 2 things are**

**TG: prespicely the same shit**

**GG: If I agree to say something, will you stop tormenting me about it?**

**TG: yes**

**TG: but only**

**TG: because that will be impossible for me to do**

**TG: when u + him r snoggin hard in motherfuckin makeout paradise**

**TG: A K A SEX LAND**

**GG: Fine.**

**GG: But let the record show that this resolution has almost nothing whatsoever to do with your use of the phrase "SEX LAND."**

**GG: Just...**

**GG: I need to think of what to say, and wait for the right moment. Is that ok?**

**TG: sure**

**TG: just dont wait too long**

**TG: and dont underestimate striders wiles**

**TG: nor jakes...**

**TG: lets say**

**TG: open mindedness?**

**GG: Well, **

**GG: He does often profess his love for adventure, I suppose.**

**TG: yuuup...**

**GG: Omg.**

**GG: I really don't have a moment to spare, do I?**

**TG: ur finally gettin it**

**TG: now go**

**TG: and jane im warning u**

**TG: if you dont say somethin to him**

**TG: i am personally entering the game specivically to FUCK UR SHIT UP**

**TG: *LOLLIES OUTIE***

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Jake approached the brobot, arms out, knees spread, and ready to fight.

**STRIFE!**

He drew his pistols and aimed them at the robot with a wink. The metal Dirk held a katana in its right hand, the flat side pressed against the back of its head. It stuck out its left hand in a thumbs down, then revealed four other right hands, all also thumbs down. Jake's eyes widened.

At the same time (at least, according to The Medium, it was the same time), Dirk floated out through the window of his tower on Derse's moon and lifted his triangular sentient shades slightly, revealing orange irises. He snagged the Brute's head from his tower and floated out over the halls and buildings of Derse. A couple of black carapacians looked up at him in alarm. The Prince was awake!

Jake fired repeatedly, the bullets flying swiftly towards the brobot, one after the other. With a perfectly executed slash of its katana, the robot sliced each projectiles right in half. Jake jumped back and continued to fire.

A swarm of fairy bulls flew overhead as the brobot plucked each of the bullets out of the air, then ran up to Jake and threw them in his face. In the wake of Jake's debilitation, the robot kicked him into the air, then slammed him down to the ground. As the boy fell, the brobot jammed its elbow into his side, causing him to fly backwards, and then kicked him back up and down at a diagonal so he was falling towards the water. He touched down hard, his momentum causing him skip across the water repeatedly until… the brobot, using jetpack-propelled boots to fly, grabbed him by the head and flew over to the frog temple, dumping him on top.

It jumped on him and started to do a dance on him, causing him to squirm underneath the speedy metal boots. Finally, it jumped off, and Jake was able to stand up, battered and bruised. He raised the gun and the indefatigable robot held its sword out menacingly. In a flying kick maneuver, the brobot flew through the air, hitting Jake's face hard. It grabbed the front of his shirt so he wouldn't fall backwards and slapped him in the face, knocked his glasses far away. It let go and he rushed over and put them back on, but just as he did, the robot grabbed him from behind and flipped him upside down, flying up higher and higher and higher until he came careening down in a big spiral.

They hit the ground and the robot leapt to its feet. Jake stood weakly and shook his fist at the metal boy, then, with the last bit of energy he could muster, pounced at it. Jake grabbed hold of the brobot's head and banged his fist against the metal. The brobot ran around in circles, leaping across the water and back, doing everything in its power to try and shake the crazed English boy off.

Jake grabbed the red shades off of the brobot and stomped on them until they were reduced to small glass fragments, but another pair of shades appeared over robot Dirk's head and floated down to cover the metal of his face again. The brobot punched Jake in the side and he fell over, winded.

Back on Derse, Dream Dirk, the Brute's head casually tucked under one arm, floated down the twisting alleys of the Dersite city. Carapacians stared up at him as he maneuvered by them, then began to follow him. Soon enough, he had a whole entourage of shadowy figures following him inquisitively. He flew over a small-scale model of The Great Wall of China towards the center of the town on Derse's moon.

Somewhere on Derse itself, a lady in a black skintight suit with deep fuchsia lines running all the way down it as well as across the middle of the front of it, jewelry in abundance covering both of her arms walked over to her viewport to look into the office of a certain Dersite agent. She wielded a trident with a line the same color as the lines on her suit spiraling down the length of it. The trident crackled with rainbow-colored power. This mysterious lady's gigantic, convoluted mass of hair billowed behind her like a horrifying terrible tentacle beast that resided in the depths of the ocean. She grinned at the Draconian Dignitary through her viewport. There were two other viewports, or fenestrated walls, on either side of the Dignitary. The fourth was mysteriously absent.

The fuchsia lady pointed with one ringed finger at the fenestrated wall next to her, which turned on to reveal Dream Dirk flying over Derse's moon. DD's eyes narrowed as he watched the boy in purple pajamas take a Dersite flag in the center of town and slash the flag part off so that only the pole was left. The agent took off in the direction that Dirk was in, shoving past carapacian after carapacian. Dirk had mounted HB's head at the top of the pole, using the speared end as a pike. When DD finally arrived, the carapacians by now moving aside to let him by, he snatched a copy of _The Enquiring Carapacian_ off of the pike that Dirk had placed there. On the back, the boy had drawn a large heart and below it, written "**The Prince is awake. Your shit is wrecked.**" The Dignitary crumpled the sleazy rag in his fist.


	165. Book 10 Chapter 8: Friends!

Double update again! Saturday I'll update with the end of Act 6 Act 2, and then the next month will be a wild stampede through Act 6 Intermission 2, and we'll figure things out from there. See you guys on the other side of this sweeps long safari through an ephemeral realm of ghost memories and dead friends shitting around in a haphazard existential clusterfuck!

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 8: Friends!

That absurd drubbing earned Jake another rung on his echeladder. One of the steeper prices he'd had to pay for a bit of ladder climbing, but in the end he supposed it was all worth it to be able to bask in the glory and prestige of the Peter Panache rung. He guessed? Who was he kidding, he didn't even have a clue what that meant.

Jake pulled out his phone. He lay amidst the slumbering bodies of many fairy bull lusii.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**GT: Bro.**

**GT: Your contraption and its busy fists just royally kicked my ass. **

**GT: And that sure as god made little green apples isnt all there is to say on the matter!**

**GT: Are you listening my friend? **

**GT: Ill have you know my ass was straightup served ice cold. **

**GT: My savaged caboose has been catered to impeccably. **

**GT: Not unlike that of a gentleman stranded on an island inhabited by a race of indigenous butlers. **

**GT: I hope the far fetched scenario i have described has adequately communicated the severity of my robotic buttwhoopin! **

**GT: Does this mean i passed the test or whatever the fuck. **

**GT: Can your robot drop the bullshit and give me the uranium now or what? **

**GT: Dirk? **

**GT: Where the frig are you? **

**TT: I'm afraid Dirk can't hear you right now, Jake.**

**GT: Aw nuts.**

Jake dropped his phone on his chest and blacked out.

He sat up in blackness and looked around. Wha… oh, it was a dream. Of course. He was asleep after having blacked out from an absurd drubbing on the part of…

There was a shuffling sound. Jake froze and slowly turned his head towards the noise. Even though he knew it was a dream, his senses were completely on edge. Every nerve in his body rebelled against him and he felt a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. A figure approached him slowly through the darkness.

Somehow, in the absense of all light, he could make out what the figure looked like. First and foremost, it was female. She had dark blue eyelashes, and her eyes were completely white. She had big white glasses that stretched completely across her face and wore cerulean lipstick. Two fang-like teeth protruded from her lips. She wore a blue dress with a black band around the middle and the Scorpio symbol in white across her chest. The dress was short and frayed at the bottom. She also wore knee-high socks and red sandals, and a chain with the Cancer symbol hung from her neck. But her two most striking characteristics were her light grey skin and her orange horns, one bent downwards at the end like a hook and the other curved at the top like a wrench. She waved at him, smiling.

Jake stared at her. **?**

He sat up with a start, disrupting the sleep of two lusii. He put his skulltop on and pestered Roxy.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**GT: I still cant find dirk all i get is his jerkwad shades.**

**GT: Surprise sur freakin prise.**

**TG: jake enklish**

**TG: cant u see im fuck deep in all these stupid meowcats**

**GT: Oh.**

**GT: No?**

**GT: I cant see that actually.**

**TG: i m also**

**TG: fuck deep in busy**

**TG: what ist it**

**GT: Just seeing if you had heard from him yet.**

**GT: I would really like to speak with him today.**

**GT: You know like actually in person instead of through his aggravating liaison who is so far up his own ass with this hal 9000 schtick its ridonkulous.**

**GT: Is he avoiding me or something?**

**GT: I hope i didnt piss him off through some indiscernible slight. Gosh he can be sensitive.**

**TG: nah hes just**

**TG: biding his time i guess...**

**GT: Huh.**

**GT: Well okey doke.**

**GT: Man i just had a crazy dream after getting coldcocked by his roughhouse droid.**

**TG: yeh theres been that goin around**

**GT: What?**

**TG: dreamin**

**TG: what was urs about**

**GT: Well i dont want to alarm you or anything...**

**GT: But it may just have featured none other than THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS?**

**TG: WUT**

**GT: She had sharp funny horns and a nice blue dress and she may have been some sort of spidery vampire? I dunno. It was very brief but she waved to me.**

**TG: nonononoononno**

**TG: this wont do at all**

**GT: What wont?**

**TG: u slobberin over some alien dream girl**

**TG: fuck THAT im having enough a hard time keppin trach of the jakestakes as it is**

**GT: The jakestakes?**

**TG: the jakestakes**

**GT: Also who said she was an alien? I just thought she was some kind of pretty monster.**

**TG: listen bro i know u love adventures and dumb shit like that but you are forbidden from thinkin about her again**

**GT: Ok i mean this is a strange reaction roxy but ok.**

**GT: She was a figment of my imagination so what choice do i even have?**

**TG: exactically**

**TG: she was a fake girl so 4get it**

**TG: a fakey fakey fuke**

**TG: wait a minnit...**

**TG: has jane talked to u yet about anything?**

**GT: About anything? Yes i do imagine our last chat could fit that description.**

**TG: no**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: about anythin serious**

**TG: feelinswasy**

**TG: * wawys**

**TG: * waways**

**TG: * SHIT**

**TG: * about your emotions**

**GT: Not really.**

**TG: uuuuuugh**

**TG: i knew shed porcrastinate on this**

**GT: On what?**

**TG: can u just message her now**

**GT: Sure.**

**GT: But what are you talking about?**

**GT: Should i expect a serious exchange about feelings and whatnot?**

**TG: depenbs on the present magnitude of her tightassery**

**TG: someone needs 2 move you fuckers along an get some stuff out in the popen already**

**GT: Wait would this be about certain unrequited pinings you may have alluded to earlier?**

**TG: i didint say nothin and aint sayin anything to that effeft**

**GT: Indubitably. Miss zipper lips was it? Humorously misspelled of course.**

**TG: mmmmm!**

**TG: *zuip***

**GT: I guess i cant help but wonder if that truly is the way she sees me or if it is just some wild ego stroking delusion on my part.**

**GT: I always get this sense that people sorta fancy me but who knows i could be just miles off the old rocker about that!**

**GT: Youre right i think its high time we cleared the air on some things even if there is a chance it gets all awkward and prickly.**

**GT: That is what being brave and adventurous is all about after all. It isnt just about summoning the courage to pilfer some priceless loot from trap laden catacomb. Or shooting at stuff with two guns at once.**

**GT: There are treacheries of the heart to consider!**

**TG: lol u f'n dork**

**TG: but yes do that**

**TG: shit i gotta go**

**TG: i think theres someone in here...**

**GT: Are you in danger?**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**GT: Hmm.**

**golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**GT: Aloha madame. **

**GG: Jake!**

**GG: Hey there. I was actually about to message you.**

**GT: Yes i have heard that maybe your correspondence was forthcoming. **

**GG: You did?**

**GT: I just got off the horn with roxy. **

**GG: Wait...**

**GG: What did she tell you?**

**GT: Well. Not anything all that specific. **

**GG: Did she goad you into writing this message?**

**GT: Oh you know how it is. What with her ways. **

**GG: What ways?**

**GT: You know... ways! **

**GT: I believe they are not incongruous with those of a feisty and provocative young woman. **

**GG: Provocative my behind!**

**GG: She is skirting dangerously close to meddlesome territory.**

**GT: No its really not like that! **

The brobot, which was standing near a big rock behind Jake, plunged its fist into its own chest.

**GT: Hold on... **

**GT: God dammit. **

**GG: ?**

**GT: Its just dirks inscrutable wrestlebot acting up over there. **

**GT: What the fuck is it doing now? **

**GG: Has one of his gadgets been causing trouble for you over there as well?**

**GT: If by causing trouble you mean clobbering the everfriggin tar out of me while still switched to the "novice" setting then yes. **

**GT: But that is not why i messaged you! I will not be deterred here jane. **

**GG: Deterred from what?**

**GT: Jane i think its time we had an honest to goodness dame to fella talk. Like about our... **

**GT: Stuff. You know? **

**GG: Our stuff?**

**GT: Our feelings. **

**GT: Like how we feel about each other. **

**GG: Um...**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: Okay.**

**GT: I dont think im out of line in suggesting weve been tiptoeing around some things here do you? **

**GG: Have we?**

**GT: I think so. Its just a hunch. **

**GG: Is there something you want to say to me, Jake?**

**GG: About how you feel?**

**GT: Absolutely! **

**GT: I feel that total honesty between us will be the best policy as we begin our journey together. **

**GT: So i say lets put all the facts on the table where we can both see them. **

**GT: With that in mind i would like to ask you a question jane and i hope it doesnt strike you as being too forward. **

**GG: ...**

**GG: Go on.**

**GT: Maybe its just my imagination but ive picked up on certain lets say hints. **

**GT: So i have to just come out and ask. Hoo boy this is actually proving to be a serious challenge to my bravery now that im going through with it. **

**GT: Im getting a little hot under the collar here! **

**GG: No, it's ok...**

**GG: Please continue!**

**GT: Ok then. **

**GT: What id like to know is... **

**GT: Do you like me jane? **

**GG: Uh.**

**GG: Wait...**

**GG: What?**

**GT: I mean do you like me as more than a friend? **

**GT: Do you envision us as like... **

**GT: An item? A romantic pairing of sorts? **

**GG: Wow, um.**

**GT: Is that the direction in which you would prefer our relationship to progress? **

**GG: Well,**

**GG: I**

**GT: Please! Be honest with me jane. **

**GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me? **

**GG: No!**

_What the fuck?_ Jane thought. _Of course I like him! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH_

**GT: I see.**

**GT: Very well then.**

**GT: Jeez i mustve really misread that one! I feel like kind of a bone head now.**

**GT: Are you sure the answers no?**

**GG: I guess...**

**GG: That...**

**GG: Sure was the thing I said! Ha ha.**

**GT: Yes fair enough.**

**GT: I guess i did put you on the spot there didnt i.**

**GT: You know it may sound cocky of me but i really was not prepared for this answer!**

**GT: You must think im just this epic friggin tool now. Couldnt say id disagree if you did.**

**GG: No!**

**GG: Oh my God, what am I saying here?**

**GG: Jake, I didn't mean it! I didn't want to make you feel that way!**

**GT: Now jane lets not backpedal here.**

**GT: Youve spoken the truth and i greatly appreciate and respect you for that.**

**GT: But now that i think about it you know what?**

**GG: ...**

**GG: No? :(**

**GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief!**

**GG: It is?**

**GT: I consider you to be a lovely lady of the highest caliber and i really think any gent worth his salt would be a huge bozo to let the chance to go steady with you slip through his fingers.**

**GT: Ive even given the possibility some thought myself.**

**GG: You have?**

**GT: Sure im only human jane im going to entertain lets say certain ideas. What ifs. You know?**

**GT: Like what if we did meet up some day? And you asked me out or something. Im sure id say yes given all weve been through together and then well who knows?**

**GG: You would?**

**GT: Probably but im kind of babbling here. The point is those are all just silly daydreams about stuff and about your feelings for me that i was projecting on you which werent even real.**

**GT: And now that weve been honest with each other about this we can kind of move on and just be great friends.**

**GG: Friends!**

**GG: Oh boy!**

**GT: And its a load off to be honest because that was lot to think about on top of everything else!**

**GG: Everything else?**

**GT: Things are kind of complicated for me jane. With you and roxy and dirk and his crazy responder and now...**

**GT: Well its a tangled web lets just put it that way.**

**GG: I don't think I'm following.**

**GT: There are a fuckload of irons in the fire jane!**

**GT: So many irons in the fire. Such a tangled web. It is a web full of flaming irons.**

**GG: And mixed metaphors, apparently?**

**GT: Exactly. See? You get it.**

**GG: I really don't, Jake.**

**GT: Oh son of a bitch!**

**GG: What?!**

**GT: The robot is being weird again.**

It had torn its uranium heart out of its chest and was now beating it against the rock.

**GG: What's happening?**

**GT: Its having some sort of mental episode.**

**GT: See this is what im talking about jane. This is what im dealing with here.**

**GT: Sigh. Like i said my life is many different hells of complicated.**

**GG: Jake, could you just tell me what you're talking about?**

**GT: Youre right. I did say honesty was the best policy didnt i so i might as well not keep certain things so close to the vest anymore.**

**GT: Actually since youve made your feelings apparent and only see me as a friend that makes it a lot easier!**

**GG: Haha, yes!**

**GG: Friends!**

**GT: Maybe you could help me sort out some stuff that has been weighing on me lately?**

**GG: Well what are friends for Jake!**

**GT: Jane are you alright?**

**GT: You seem to be exclaiming more liberally than usual.**

**GG: Me?**

**GG: HOO HOO HOO!**

**GG: I'm just**

**GG: Terrific!**

**GG: I'm feeling so...**

**GG: Friendly!**

**GG: I clearly just want to be a good friend and bring all my AMAZING FRIENDLINESS to bear on your problems.**

**GG: Friendlystyle! Ahahahah?**

**GG: Shit I mean**

**GG: Ahahahah!**

**GT: Thats aces. Jane youre a sweetheart.**

**GT: So as i was saying.**

**GT: I cant help but feel like all this stuff going on with dirk like his responders mind games and his brobots mysterious and brutal hazings...**

**GT: Are all like...**

**GT: Man i know this is going to sound crazy.**

**GG: What?**

**GT: Like theyre all part of a really long term and esoteric courtship process that is bizarre but somehow makes perfect sense in his mind.**

**GG: Courtship?**

**GT: Yes from dirk.**

**GT: To you know...**

**GT: Woo me.**

**GG: Huh!**

**GG: Really?**

**GT: I know its hard to believe but i know dirk pretty well and...**

**GT: Well im more than a little sure he likes me in that way if you catch my drift.**

**GT: And what with how he is...**

**GT: Just so relentless and aggressive about everything you know?**

**GG: Yeaaah.**

**GT: So i just start to wonder deep down if maybe its inevitable.**

**GG: What's inevitable?**

**GT: Him and me. As more than just best buddies.**

**GG: Uhhhhh...**

**GT: I know if he has his heart set on something he will never let up.**

**GT: So maybe its just going to happen and things will be easier that way and i should just try to come to terms with it?**

**GG: I don't think you have to do anything you don't want to, Jake.**

**GT: Yeah.**

**GT: Um.**

**GG: Wait.**

**GG: DO you not want to?**

**GT: Like i said jane i am inclined to entertain certain ideas and what ifs thats all.**

**GT: I mean we do get along really well and share a lot of interests.**

**GT: Im not saying im really GUNG HO TO THE MAX about the proposition but yeah ive given it some thought.**

**GT: I dunno.**

**GT: Do you think thats weird of me? For even considering it?**

**GG: Well...**

**GG: No.**

**GG: I don't think that makes you weird, Jake.**

**GT: Really?**

**GG: I think**

**GG: That**

**GT: What jane?**

**GG: I think that it's great if you are open to exploring those feelings.**

**JANE: I'm such an idiot! Derpity derp.**

**GT: Thats really swell of you to say that.**

**GT: Have i mentioned what a top notch friend you are jane?**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: As a matter of fact you have.**

**GT: Now please dont take me as saying im about to go leaping into his arms or anything.**

**GG: Heh.**

**GT: That would be a bit brash.**

**GT: Haha could you imagine?**

**GG: Whee!**

**GT: But my thought process sort of went like this.**

**GT: Hes been my best friend forever and ive always liked him a lot as a bro.**

**GT: And years ago i used to joke around with him that we would probably be totally into each other if he was a girl.**

**GT: But of course that was before i started to realize he was probably serious about those feelings for me regardless.**

**GT: Heheh come to think of it maybe that was unwittingly poor form on my part kind of leading him on or something?**

**GG: Whoops!**

**GT: But then...**

**GT: Later i started thinking.**

**GT: Maybe i was being kind of unfair to him in the first place?**

**GT: I mean by saying we would be a good match only if he was a girl.**

**GT: Like is that last condition there really all THAT important?**

**GT: Does that make sense?**

**GG: Hmmmm!**

**GT: You are incredibly understanding jane. Thank you so much for listening.**

**GT: I have never told anyone all that. Its so great to have a friend as good as you.**

**GG: That is what I am good for, it seems! **

**GT: If we hadnt cleared the air just now i probably never would have had the gumption to talk about it with you.**

**GT: Its so cool how you were honest with me about how you felt. I think honesty is always the best policy. I cant believe how much i was overcomplicating all this in my head.**

**GT: Haha the situation is really pretty funny when you think about it.**

**GG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**GG: Yeaaaaaaaah...**


	166. Book 10 Chapter 9: FF to Jaspersprite

Chapter 9: Fast Forward to Jaspersprite

Jake ducked and covered his head as the brobot twitched on the ground behind him before exploding violently.

**GG: Say, Jake?**

**GG: Not to cast doubt on your feelings, but are you quite sure all of Dirk's actions have been for the sake of courtship?**

**GT: Um...**

**GG: You did say his robot was prone to assailing you, did you not?**

**GG: Is that really an affectionate gesture?**

**GT: Well...**

**GT: He basically sent me that thing as kind of a sparring partner.**

**GT: Like to wrestle with.**

**GT: And i love to wrestle!**

**GG: Oh.**

**GT: And yeah i guess he programmed it to be a bit overzealous but i mean what do you expect from the guy.**

**GT: I think its his way of training me to become tougher.**

**GT: Which sometimes is annoying and sometimes when i walk through the jungle im sweating bullets wondering if its going to pounce on me outta nowhere.**

**GT: But theres actually something kind of exciting about that its like every day is more of an adventure.**

**GT: And truthfully its probably working i probably AM getting better at being in scrums.**

**GG: Yeah.**

**GG: I guess you're right.**

**GT: And his responder which i guess is really a part of his personality even if he doesnt like to say so...**

**GT: It kind of lets on a lot more than dirk ever would. Its almost like its this weird clone of himself playing passive aggressive matchmaker between me and his real self.**

**GG: Yeah.**

**GG: I can see how such a complicated relationship could keep you preoccupied.**

**GG: I guess I can't blame you.**

**GG: Maybe you should just...**

**GG: I don't know.**

**GT: What?**

**GG: Maybe you should just go for it.**

**GG: Hell, why not.**

**GG: Just tell him you know how he feels and that you're open to the idea?**

**JANE: Seriously what the FUCK am I doing? **

**JANE: Are you SHITTING me? **

**JANE: STUPID. STUPID. STUPID.**

**JANE: euuueeeuuugh.**

**JANE: Oh my god please just kill me.**

**JANE: Hey Jane. STFU!**

**JANE: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK**

**GT: You really think so?**

**GG: ...**

**GG: Yeah sure why the hell not.**

**GT: Well i was kinda going to let it play out and just see what happens and go from there...**

**GT: But you think a more proactive approach would be better?**

**GG: Well,**

**GG: He likes you.**

**GG: You seem to like him well enough.**

**GG: Just...**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: Why not?**

**GG: Sounds good to me!**

**GT: Wow.**

**GT: I must say this sort of advice surprises me coming from you!**

**GG: And why would that be?!**

**GG: What, are you expecting me to advocate a more conservative approach?**

**GG: To tell you to keep being shy and cagey and keep beating around the bush indefinitely?**

**GG: What would ever give you that idea about me!**

**GT: Hmm.**

**GT: Yes i guess that is a certainly a strategy to consider.**

**GT: Jane i must say your perspective on this is refreshingly bold.**

**GG: I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT AS REFRESHING BOLDNESS GOES I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS.**

**GT: Hehehe! Sure looks that way!**

**GG: Screw it!**

**GG: Ask him out.**

**GG: Just kill the suspense already.**

**GG: Become boyfriends and such.**

**GG: Have some babies!**

**GT: Whoa now!**

**GT: Jane the decision to sire children with your best bro is not one to be taken lightly.**

**GG: Okay I think I have to go.**

**GG: I have this stupid game to play.**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **ceased pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

Jane stood up and shook in pure anger and self-loathing. Why couldn't she have just told Jake the truth? Stupid stupid stupid dumb!

The AR held a pre-punched card in front of her.

**TT: Here.**

**GG: Get this shit out of my face.**

**TT: But you need it.**

**GG: Whatever.**

**TT: Is something wrong?**

**TT: What were you two talking about?**

**GG: I don't want to talk about it, and if I did, I sure wouldn't want to talk about it with you!**

**TT: Should I be offended, or apologetic right now?**

**TT: Help me out.**

**TT: You're talkin' to glasses here.**

**GG: I just want to go to sleep and not wake up forever.**

**TT: I think I'll just put this card over here on the desk.**

Jane's dream self lay on the floor in the middle of the palace on Prospit. A black leg nudged her gently. _Found her._

Jack held a long dagger in one hand and his face was contorted into a snarl. He'd just _known_ he hadn't quite finished the job. When it came to children who hadn't quite been offed yet, he had sixth sense. He raised the dagger and…

Hang on. It was the Dignitary. Gotta answer this. He better be bearing news of murdered youngsters.

The Dignitary said that the deceased child count was still sitting at zero over on Derse. "WHAT?" Jack yelled. DD said that that wasn't all. Jack waited for him to spill the beans. DD said that one of the brats had staged a little rebellion on the moon. Stuck the Brute's head on a pike for all to see. Real black eye for the kingdom and the Condesce. Press was going nuts with it. Wait, the brute was dead, Jack asked? DD said yes. Dammit. He was one of Jack's best agents. He said he never really cared for the guy but he'd admired his brutality. DD said that they all had. Jack said that this was getting personal. He asked about the status on these little shits. Where were they now? DD said that they'd flown the coop. And the girl was gone… Jack said gone what. Rogue? After a little while DD said AWOL. The guy didn't really take a shining to puns and Jack couldn't say he blamed him. Jack said he was just going to finish his business here and take the next shuttle to Derse, over and out.

Suddenly, a staff with a miniature of Skaia at the end of it whacked Jack hard across the face. The archagent's portable radio was knocked out of his hands and some of his teeth flew out of his mouth, caked in blood. Jack fell over, unconscious. The White Queen stood over Jane protectively.

Roxy stood fuck deep in meowcats. Why had she cloned so many cats? Why had they all had to breed so much? _Why did they all have to be so friendly?_

Roxy trudged through the fluffy morass of the lab in the direction of the mysterious device known as the Transmaterializer. She needed to send this dead cat back to Mom and get this show on the road. She didn't notice the mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal far above her.

More noises echoed in the distance. Some of the meowcats got nervous and poofed up their tails. It was pretty clear she wasn't alone in here. Better make this quick.

She'd never understood what the point of this device was. It was old and damaged. Whatever was supposed to show up on the screens was blacked out, either due to the damage, or due to this voidey blackout bullshit that seemed to follow her wherever she went.

And over here was the lab's funky Appearifier which she'd used to clone all these cats. She used her other Appearifier to make paradox slime from cats, gather and mix the slime in this machine, and crank out the mutant kitties. She couldn't use the cloning device's native Appearifier to make cats, because the target was locked onto her Mom. Most of the time, the screen was blacked out, so she hadn't been able to investigate her past carefully, much to her regret. Or her Mom's tragic death, for that matter. Right now the target was locked onto a target from her Mom's childhood. It was a good thing Roxy had stopped by. The machine was reminding her to collect a DNA sample for later, so she could jumpstart this tri generational lolonde family reonion that was apparently supposed to happen.

She attempted to appearify her Mom, but of course all that came through was paradox slime. Paradox slime with a scarf on it. As expected, trying to appearify her mother as a kid from the past would have created a paradox. But quite unexpectedly, bringing her scarf along for the ride seemed to have created no conflict, and Roxy had just swiped it right off her neck! Young mom probably had no idea what the hell just happened to her scarf. This was so exciting! She was so going to wear that thing, she didn't care how mom-gooey it was.

She stored the kidmomgoo in one of her captchalogue bottles. Wait… that was kind of a weird implementation of her modus. She wasn't even sure what had happened there. Oh well, whatever. She guessed she could just… sort of… pick it up?

She went and just sort of picked it up and that worked fine. Now about that totes baller scarf. She tried to wear the scarf and be the rider, but she couldn't be the rider because in this universe the pony was too small for some reason. Not that being the rider had ever made much sense in the first place. Anyway, the scarf looked great, and she'd made a great decision.

Roxy went over to the Transmaterializer, probably the most perplexing device in the lab to her. It seemed to be a sort of Appearifier/Sendificator hybrid. But it used a massive amount of power, far more than the simpler Appearifier used. Sending Frigglish home should nearly deplete its entire fuel gauge. She had no idea what could possibly account for the extra power consumption.

The top of the screen featured a dial that switched between pointing to "B1" and "B2" with a symbol of a scratched disc between the two. Next to the dial was a Skaiain spirograph with an atom symbol in the center of it, and at the very top was a large cutout of a frog. Roxy didn't know what the deal was with that frog, or with the strange scratched disc symbol, or the dial which was locked firmly on the B1 side. It was all completely meaningless to her. The only things that made sense were the fuel gauge, the two big buttons at the bottom, and the coordinate panels indicating when and where to target. But it looked like the panels had been damaged somehow since the last time she'd looked at them. If she changed them, there would be no tell what she'd change them to, so she might as well not bother and leave them on their previous setting. Which had pretty much been her plan anyway.

Roxy busted open a bottle of dead cat on the pad on the floor and got a little teary-eyed as she said one last goodbye. GCat appeared out of nowhere. Oh, hello there. Come to pay your respects, huh? The GCat unceremoniously washed a paw with his omnipotent green tongue. Nothing to say there, buddy? No remorse all at? This was all his fault of course. Even though he probably hadn't meant to get him killed. At least she _thought _he hadn't. D'aw who was she kidding? She couldn't stay mad at cats.

Other cats gathered around to bid farewell to their common ancestor. This was probably the closest he would ever come to receiving a proper funeral.

A mutant kitten did the honors, intentionally or otherwise, sitting on the button and sending Frigglish home. Bon voyage, friend.

The Sendificator dumped Frigglish in a river and after a tumultuous ride, the dead cat washed up on the beach. A baby Rose found him, scooped him up in her arms, and ran back home to let her Mom know. Not long after, Rose and her Mom stood in front of the newly-erected mausoleum with a coffin containing the cat. The coffin was adorned with flowers. Together, they hefted it up and into the mausoleum, where they placed it on a pedestal.

Far in the future, a teenage Rose knocked the coffin off the pedestal to set up her laptop to play SBURB with John. A lever was pulled, lowering the pedestal, and Rose climbed down to find herself in the Skaianet lab. She took her laptop out of her sylladex, knocking Jaspers out and onto a Transportalizer. Rose, wearing her pink scarf and holding Vodka Mutini, reappearified him and captchalogued him. She escapalized to her mom's room back home, then threw Jaspers into the kernelsprite. She fell off a cliff and the newborn Jaspersprite grabbed her with his tentacle and saved her. He tried to fish on LOLAR, then spoke with Nepeta and arrived on the Prospitian ship with John and Jade. And… that was purrty much how it all happened. :3

**JASPE**What do you think this is, Act 6 Intermission 2? That'll be happening pretty soon, don't worry. Let's all try to settle down here.

That was that, Roxy supposed. Hey… where had all the cats vanished to? Had GCat done something pointlessly mischievous again? Wait, there they were. Hiding behind the equipment over there. Looked like something had scared them all off…

There were more clank noises behind her. She pretended not to notice… and slowly… calmly… reached for her…

She leaped onto the pad, pulled out a gun, and yelled:

**ROXY: FREEZE MOTHERFUTHER!**

**ROXY: *MOCKERFUCKER!  
ROXY: *SHIT!**

A crowd of black carapacians stood before her, the one in the front wielding a crowbar. There sure were a lot of them today. They must be getting more desperate.

She raised her gun to fire but… she couldn't do it. They may have been dangerous, but she knew they were only looking for food. She had this awful feeling that these guys snuck in here every now and then to hunt for cats. Best not to think about it, really. Gotta figure out some other way to get out of this jam!

She attempted to solicit GCat for assistance. Maybe he was in one of his arbitrarily helpful moods? What do you say there, friend? Little help? GCat disappeared and reappeared in Roxy's observatory. God dammit.

Roxy hoofed it back to the window on the double. The famished ruffians were in hot pursuit! She leaped back into the fenestrated wall, falling towards the one that led to her observatory below her.

Unfortunately, GCat, who was in the observatory, chose that moment to transport the fenestrated wall to Dirk's apartment, unplugging it in the process.

The fenestrated wall below Roxy went dark. What the shit?

She fell with a thud onto the other side of the fenestrated wall and looked around. She was in complete darkness, but a vague motion in the corner of her eye made her turn her head. She found herself staring at a vast, sprawling landscape of purple spires and blue glowing skies.

She didn't notice the figure standing behind her, wielding a golden trident. The figure had gray skin, orange horns, two long tails of hair extending from either side of her head, fuchsia goggles over completely white eyes, fuchsia lipstick, and two eyebrow rings on her left eyebrow. She wore a black t-shirt with a fuchsia Pisces symbol on it. On either wrist was a golden band with fuchsia spikes.

Roxy heard a slight shuffling and spun around with her gun in hand, only to see nothing. The mysterious figure had vanished. Suddenly, the fuschia girl reappeared behind her and held the golden trident against Roxy's neck. The only thing separating the metal from her skin was her Mom's scarf.

"COUNT SOM-E WOOLB-EASTS BITC)("

Dirk examined the fenestrated plane. This thing had just appeared out of thin air. Had someone sendificated it to him? Or was it that damn cat again, up to his tricks? It looked like it was one of Roxy's. Maybe she knew what was up. He should probably ask her.

She didn't respond to his messages. Must be busy with something. Probably just goofing off and drinking up a storm as usual. Looked like it'd have to wait anyway. Someone was messaging him.

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**uu: HELLO DIRK.**

**uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.**

**TT: Oh mother fuck.**

**uu: WHAT DO YOu SAY?**

**uu: tumut**

**TT: What game?**

**uu: YOu KNOW WHAT GAME. **

**uu: THE ONE WHERE I SAY. I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOu SOME DAY.**

**uu: AND THERE'S NOTHING YOu CAN DO ABOuT IT? **

**uu: JuST SOME MORE MENACING SHIT LIKE THAT. **

**uu: ALL JuST BuNDLED uP IN THE PRETENSE OF A LOT OF uSELESS FuCKING PuZZLES. **

**TT: Oh, right.**

**TT: That game.**

**TT: And here I thought you were going to ask me to draw you more weird porn for some reason.**

**uu: WELL. THE NIGHT IS STILL YOuNG. SO WHO KNOWS? **

**uu: BuT NAH. I WAS JuST DROPPING BY AGAIN TO SAY HOW I'M GONNA KILL YOu. THAT'S ALL. **

**uu: AND THIS IS JuST ASSuMING YOu DON'T ALL DIE BEFORE I GET THE CHANCE TO PuZZLEMuRDER YOu. ON ACCOuNT OF YOu BEING A BuNCH OF HIDEOuS FuCKuPS. **

**uu: I MEAN LOOK AT THIS. **

**uu: YOu ALREADY BLEW IT. **


	167. Book 10 Chapter 10: Jane Enters

PSYCHE. I'm updating today everyone. [S] Jane: Enter.

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 10: Jane Enters

**TT: Blew what?**

**uu: ON DERSE. **

**uu: YOu uPSET THE ORDER. DIDN'T YOu. **

**uu: YOu WENT AND PISSED OFF THE WITCH? **

**uu: NOW THEY'RE GOING TO HuNT YOu DOWN DuDE! **

**uu: THEY'RE PROBABLY ON THEIR WAY. TO KILL YOu RIGHT NOW. **

**TT: I'm pretty well hidden on Derse. I doubt they'll find me until I'm ready to be found again.**

**uu: NO. NOT ON DERSE. ON YOuR PLANET. EARTH? **

**uu: YOu'RE PRETTY FuCKING EASY TO FIND THERE. DON'T YOu THINK? **

**uu: OH YES. YOuR AGGRESSORS ARE COMING FOR YOu. I HAVE SEEN IT.**

**uu: IN FACT. THEY ARE PROBABLY ALREADY HERE. **

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: Well, I was expecting as much.**

**TT: It's kind of why I was on my way to the roof just now.**

**TT: Until I was interrupted by this window appearing, and then by you.**

**TT: Maybe I should try plugging it in?**

**uu: OH MY GOD. WHO CARES? **

**uu: IT'S JuST SOME MORE POINTLESS TRASH FOR YOu TO OBSESS OVER, AND DISTRACT YOu FROM GETTING ANY ACTuAL RELEVANT SHIT DONE. **

**uu: THE AMOuNT TIME YOu PEOPLE WASTE. IT IS FuCKING uNBELIEVABLE TO ME. **

**uu: I READ ABOuT SOME OF THE THINGS YOu AND YOuR PREDECESSORS HAVE DONE. FAR MORE THAN I CARED TO. TRuST ME. **

**uu: AND EVERY TIME. I'M ALWAYS JuST... **

**uu: **_***GET THE FuCK ON WITH IT ALREADY.***_

**TT: I didn't think you were much of a historian.**

**uu: I'M NOT. **

**uu: SHE SENDS ME SO MuCH BuLLSHIT ABOuT THIS. YOu DON'T EVEN KNOW. **

**uu: SHE WANTS TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. LIKE EXCHANGE THEORIES AND SHIT. AND I HAVE TO JuST BE LIKE *BITCH I DON'T GOD DAMN CARE!* **

**uu: EVERY TIME. **

**uu: BuT IT DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT'S THE NEXT THING I INVARIABLY FIND ON MY TERMINAL? **

**uu: ANOTHER GOD DAMN WALL OF TEXT. **

**uu: ALL COLOR CODED AND FORMATTED FOR ME TO READ. AND EVERYTHING. **

**uu: JuST WALLS AND WALLS. OF CANDY ASSED TOOTY FRuITY FuCKING SHIT. LOADS. OF. TEXT. **

**uu: OF PEOPLE BABBLING MOSTLY. **

**uu: WE ARE TALKING ABOuT MIGRAINE INDuCING DIARRHETIC VERTICAL SuICIDE DROPS OF uGLY FuCKING WORDS. **

**uu: IMPENETRABLY ASININE RAINBOW FREEFALLS OF FRIVOLOuS BANTER. GOT IT? **

**uu: SO I SAY. WHAT IS THIS? I TOLD YOu IF YOu SENT ME ANY MORE FAN FICTION I WOuLD FLY TO PROSPIT AND MuRDER YOu IN YOuR SLEEP. WHICH I STILL MIGHT DO *REGARDLESS*. BuT ANYWAY. **

**uu: SHE SAYS THESE ARE ACTuAL ANCIENT TRANSCRIPTS! **

**uu: I'M LIKE. WELL FuCK. **

**uu: HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE TALK SO MuCH. **

**uu: I FEEL LIKE I'M PICKING uP SOME BAD HABITS FROM YOu WINDBAGGING PISSFACES. **

**uu: LOOK AT THIS. I WASN'T EVEN GONNA GO OFF LIKE THIS. **

**uu: THIS WAS SuPPOSED TO BE JuST. AN IN AND OuT FuCK YOu. **

**uu: I'M SO DONE HERE. **

**uu: ANYWAY. LATER. YOu HORSEPORKING TWIT. **

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: Just one thing before you go.**

**TT: Your sister was saying you were having some doubts about playing.**

**TT: Is that true?**

**uu: SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.**

**uu: WE DON'T GOT SISTERS. IT'S NOT A THING. DON'T DRAG uS THROuGH YOuR NASTY HuMAN FAMILIAL MuD.**

**uu: OF COuRSE I'M GOING TO PLAY. I WAS JuST SAYING I WOuLDN'T. YOu KNOW. TO FuCK WITH HER AND MAKE HER CRY.**

**uu: LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE. BuT TO PLAY.**

**uu: HOW ELSE AM I GOING TO GET OFF THIS DESOLATE ROCK?**

**uu: YOu THINK I WANT TO STAY HERE? JuST HANG AROuND. TIL I JOIN THE HuNDRED BILLION CORPSES FERTILIZING THE SOIL?**

**TT: I see. **

**TT: No, didn't think so. I was just curious. **

**uu: HuMAN CuRIOSITY IS CONTEMPTIBLE. SHE SHARES THAT WITH YOu. AND I CAN'T FuCKING STAND IT.**

**TT: Gotcha. **

**TT: You sure seem to hate us, but I notice it doesn't stop you from talking to us frequently. Or at least to me. **

**TT: Surely there must be at least one of our virtues you admire. **

**uu: YES. AMBITION. THAT'S THE ONLY GOOD ONE.**

**uu: AND I THINK YOu GOT THAT. WHICH IS MAYBE WHY. YOu'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN PuT uP WITH FOR ANY DuRATION?**

**uu: LET'S CALL IT A GRuDGING RESPECT. WHICH IS THE ONLY KIND THAT'S EVEN WORTH A FuCK.**

**TT: I'll take that as a rare overture of friendship. **

**uu: NO. DON'T.**

**TT: So, do you even know how this is going to work? **

**uu: WHAT.**

**TT: Your session. Can you even really have a session with only two players? **

**uu: SHE SAYS YOu CAN. AND SHE LIKES TO THINK SHE'S THE EXPERT.**

**uu: PERSONALLY? I DON'T CARE.**

**uu: MAYBE IT'S AGAINST THE RuLES. WHAT WE'RE DOING.**

**uu: I JuST WANT TO GET IN THERE. AND JuST.**

**uu: FuCK.**

**uu: SHIT.**

**uu: uP.**

**TT: Yeah. **

**TT: I sensed that was your plan. **

**TT: Which is kind of what I'm talking about. How can you win like that? **

**TT: I thought the point was to cooperate with your coplayers to achieve an objective. **

**TT: Not compete with them or try to kill them. I don't think we've had one conversation where you didn't express the desire to kill her. **

**uu: I GuESS WE'LL JuST HAVE TO SEE. WON'T WE?**

**uu: I THINK THIS IS PROBABLY A DIFFERENT KIND OF SESSION.**

**uu: ONE WHERE THE PLAYERS FIGHT FOR SuPREMACY. RATHER THAN WORK TOGETHER.**

**uu: I THINK THAT IT MuST BE THAT WAY.**

**uu: BECAuSE THAT IS HOW I WANT IT TO BE.**

**uu: AND IF I WANT SOMETHING TO BE TRuE HARD ENOuGH. THEN THAT MAKES IT SLIGHTLY MORE ABSOLuTELY IRREFuTABLE.**

**uu: ARE YOu FEELING ME, FuCKER?**

**TT: Maybe you're right. **

**TT: But since that's how you feel now, maybe the truth is that the game is challenging you to overcome those feelings? **

**TT: What if your real quest is to put aside your differences and work together, if you want to both survive, and grow as a person? **

**uu: NO.**

**uu: NO. NO. NO.**

**uu: FuCK THAT SHIT.**

**uu: HuMAN FuCK THAT SHIT. NOT EVEN ALIEN FuCK THAT SHIT. SO YOu CAN uNDERSTAND BETTER. THE KIND OF FuCKING OF THE SHIT THAT'S GOING ON.**

**uu: HuMAN FuCK IT SO MuCH. SO HARD, AND SO ANGRILY.**

**TT: Yeah, I didn't think you'd dig that idea. **

**TT: Just puttin' it out there. **

**uu: HOW ABOuT YOu SHuT uP? AND GET ON THE ROOF. AND TAKE YOuR FuCKING PuNISHMENT.**

**uu: NOW WHERE THE HELL IS YOuR GHASTLY JuJu.**

**uu: GO GET IT. AND HuRRY uP.**

**TT: My juju?**

**uu: THE LOATHSOME FALSE PERSON. WITH THE FLOPPY LIMBS. IN DERSITE ATTIRE. YOu LIKE TO NAP WITH.**

**TT: Oh, Lil Cal? No, man. **

**TT: Lil Cal is the shit. **

**uu: THAT THING IS NOT THE SHIT.**

**uu: IT IS AN uNCANNY GRINNING MOCKERY. A BAD OMEN. YOu SHOuLD CHOP IT uP AND BuRN IT.**

**TT: No way, dude. He's my best friend. **

**uu: HOW FuCKING SAD IS THAT?**

**uu: I'M JuST TRYING. FOR ONCE. AND THE ONLY TIME EVER. TO BE HELPFuL.**

**uu: THOSE THINGS.**

**uu: YOu DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.**

**TT: A kickass ventriloquist doll? **

**TT: I've been given reason to believe it once belonged to my bro. **

**uu: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. WHAT YOu BELIEVE.**

**uu: THERE'S ONLY ONE REASON FOR THOSE TO EXIST.**

**uu: IT IS TO TuRN THE LIFE OF EVERYONE WHO OCCuPIES THE SAME uNIVERSE WITH IT.**

**uu: INTO A NIGHTMARE.**

**TT: Is that one of your alien folk stories? **

**uu: YES.**

**uu: BuT IT ALSO.**

**uu: IS TRuE.**

**uu: GET RID OF IT.**

**TT: You could argue that my life is already kind of a nightmare, so there's no point in getting rid of him now. **

**TT: Either way, I'm gonna hang on to him. **

**uu: YOu STuBBORN FuCK.**

**uu: FINE.**

**uu: MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER.**

**uu: MAYBE YOuRS IS uNTAINTED? I DON'T KNOW.**

**uu: COuLD BE. ITS EYES LOOK...**

**uu: DEAD TO ME?**

**uu: MAYBE YOu LuCKED THE FuCK OuT. WITH YOuR PARTICuLAR JuJu.**

**TT: I honestly had no idea you were this superstitious. **

**TT: You're a pretty fascinating guy, in a way. I can't really figure you out. **

**TT: In case you're wondering why I put up with you more than my friends do. **

**uu: I WASN'T.**

**uu: NOW ARE YOu GOING TO GO GET IT.**

**uu: OR WHAT.**

**TT: Why do you want me to get Cal so bad? **

**uu: I DON'T!**

**uu: JuST THAT. I SAW YOu. SLIGHTLY AHEAD OF NOW.**

**uu: CLIMBING TO THE ROOF WITH THAT THING.**

**uu: SO APPARENTLY. IT'S REQuISITE FOR GETTING THE FuCK ON WITH STuFF?**

**uu: DuMBASS.**

**TT: Ok. So, some self-fulfilling shit, then. I was hoping for a better reason. **

**uu: WHATEVER. DON'T TAKE IT.**

**uu: MAKE A PARADOX HAPPEN. WORKS FOR FuCKING ME.**

**TT: At this point I'm leaning toward grabbing him just cause he seems to bother you so much. **

**uu: WELL. I'VE HEARD OF WORSE REASONS FOR ACTING LIKE A STuPID PIECE OF SHIT.**

Dirk grabbed Lil Cal just as **uu** had said he would.

**TT: This is probably a dumb question, but you don't really care about "causal spoilers," do you?**

**uu: YES. THAT'S uNBELIEVABLY DuMB TO ASK.**

**TT: Like, you don't mind telling me I'm about to pick up Cal, and thus causing that to happen.**

**TT: So I guess you similarly wouldn't mind telling us about more significant outcomes?**

**uu: IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T MIND. IT'S THAT I FAIL SPECTACuLARLY TO GIVE A SHIT.**

**uu: THERE IS SuCH A BIG DIFFERENCE.**

**uu: AND THE FACT THAT I MIGHT NOT CLuE YOu INTO YOuR FATE ALL THE TIME.**

**uu: DuE TO MY AGGRAVATED APATHY OVER THE MATTER.**

**uu: IS AN IMMuTABLE FACT. I AM STATING FOR THE RECORD.**

**uu: IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT GIVING A SHIT IS WHAT IS TAKING PLACE HERE.**

**TT: I feel like you've said something like that before.**

**TT: Different statements, but in that exact syntax.**

**uu: OH. YOu KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?**

**uu: WHEN THAT FuCKING HAPPENS.**

**TT: Wait. You mean it wasn't intentional?**

**TT: I thought it was kind of like... this thing you were doing.**

**uu: SHuT uP.**

**uu: YOu KNOW WHAT?**

**uu: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN. AND I DON'T CARE.**

**uu: I THINK IT'S REGRETTABLY LIKELY. THAT YOu SuCCEED.**

**uu: I THINK THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE TEND TO DO. WHEN THEY ARE REGARDED AS LEGENDS BY OBSESSIVE ASSHOLES.**

**uu: SO MAYBE YOu ALL DIE. OR MAYBE YOu DON'T.**

**uu: BuT IF YOu DON'T. I'LL TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT.**

**uu: THAT IT MEANS I STILL GET THE CHANCE TO KILL YOu.**

**uu: HOW ABOuT THAT? FOR CAuSAL SPOILERS?**

**TT: Fair enough.**

**TT: Hey, you know...**

**TT: For someone who has such strong opinions about long winded people,**

**TT: You've kinda been talking my ear off. I do actually have shit to do.**

**uu: uGH.**

**uu: YEAH.**

**uu: SEE HOW YOu PEOPLE SuCK ME INTO YOuR BuLLSHIT?**

**uu: I SHOuLD HAVE KEPT IT BRIEF. AND SuRLY. LIKE I WAS GOING TO.**

**uu: LIKE JuST SAID.**

**uu: "HELLO DIRK."**

**uu: "I WANT TO PLAY A GAME."**

**uu: AND THEN LIKE.**

**uu: "BRO."**

**uu: "ROOF. NOW."**

**uu: "BRING JuJu."**

**uu: AND THAT'S IT.**

**uu: YEAH. THAT WOuLD HAVE BEEN GOOD.**

**uu: COLD FuCKING BLOODED. TO THE POINT. DAMMIT.**

**TT: That actually sounds familiar too.**

**TT: Are you sure you haven't said something like that before?**

**uu: HAVE I?**

**uu: FuCK. I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER.**

**TT: Anyway, let's wrap this up.**

**TT: You've stolen enough of my time. I didn't even get a chance to try plugging in that window.**

**uu: I DID YOu A FAVOR. ANOTHER POINTLESS ACTION STRICKEN FROM THE TIMELINE.**

**TT: Hang on.**

**TT: Something's happening.**

Dirk's apartment building had begun to shake dramatically.

**uu: THE DRONES HAVE COME A KNOCKING. I TOLD YOu.**

**uu: THEY'RE COMING FOR YOu MAN! HAHAHA.**

**uu: LATER DOuCHE.**

**uu: TUMUT**

**TT: I think...**

**TT: You just had a flipoff malfunction, there.**

**uu: SHIT.**

**uu: uH.**

**uu: tUMUt!**

**TT: That's better.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

Roxy looked up towards the fenestrated wall she'd fallen from, struggling against the troll girl's grip. She ghost-punched her attacker, knocking the trident out of her hands, and absconded in the direction up the fenestrated wall.

She fell through into the lab, only to find that she was surrounded by the same black carapacians she'd just run from. Oh, right. These guys. Not out of the frying pan yet!

She jumped up onto the crowd of exiled Dersites and sprinted across the tops of their heads. Everybody out of the god damn way. She had a lab full of cats, a skirt full of scamper, and a head full of vodka. She ran into a small cylindrical room and the door closed behind her. She sat down heavily. PHWEW. For the time being, she was safe from punky looking fish aliens and cat hungry chess bandits. But now what?

Lil Seb sat on the edge of a safe on Jane's balcony and peered through the telescope. A small space object could be seen hurtling towards them.

Jane examined the pre-punched card. She had no idea what she was looking at here. What was she supposed to do with this? Oh well, might as well get started. It wasn't like there was anything left to do besides embarrass herself over Pesterchum some more. She'd already done enough of that today to last a lifetime. She placed the card in the Totem Lathe.

The AR lifted the safe from where it sat on the balcony and moved it over the Cruxtruder, where he dropped it to reveal the kernelsprite and a cruxite dowel. Jane's Dad jumped as the safe tumbled in front of him, cracking open and pouring out copious amounts of shaving cream and some old newspaper clippings. The kernelsprite began to spew esoteric jargon at Dad, who stared in disbelief.

1:11 to entry. The AR grabbed the dowel and brought it to rest in front of Jane, who placed it in the Lathe. She retrieved the carved totem and ran up the stairs, the kernelsprite following her with her Dad in tow.

Jake looked up at the frog shrine.

Dirk kicked open the door to his staircase, Lil Cal under one arm and his katana in the other, and looked up towards the roof.

A ladder appeared behind Roxy.

30 seconds to entry. The AR attempted to throw Poppop in the kernelsprite, much to Jane's Dad's dismay, but GCat appeared and teleported Poppop's cadaver into space. The kernelsprite vanished to the balcony.

On the balcony, Jane had put the totem on the Alchemiter and produced a blue tree on its pad.

Jake was in the shrine, taking the elevator down to the bottom.

Dirk was climbing the stairs to his inevitable fight with imperial drones.

Roxy began to climb the ladder.

Lil Seb was dancing on the balcony railing.

5 seconds to entry. The tree vanished and with it, Jane's house. Impa…

Jane looked down at her hands, which glowed with blue energy. Her house hadn't quite left Earth yet, but it was about to. The meteor continued to hurtle towards her. But just then, something appeared in the sky. It was a red spaceship with what looked like bull's horns coming out of the sides of it. On the front of it was the Betty Crocker logo. Jane stared, open-mouthed, as it passed overhead.

The shadow of the Crockership passed over Jane's house as it disappeared. There was no meteor impact. The ship had stopped it.

Over time, water began to overtake the community. Years in the future, Jane's neighborhood was completely submerged. Red troll hives stuck out of the artificial ocean at odd angles.

Elsewhere, a poster of SBAHJ The Moive was also submerged. And in a different part of the country, a rurally located laboratory was suddenly urbanized into part of a floating checkerboard city of carapacians.

In this post-apocalyptic world, Dirk stood at the top of his steps, looking out into open air. Roxy arrived at the top of her ladder.

A once urban-landscape, now completely underwater. All that remained was a single lone apartment, sitting on an old metal scaffolding. Imperial drones approached slowly. Dirk lifted his katana...

A once rural landscape, now urbanized, one of the only communities still supportive of life. Imperial drones approached slowly. Roxy stared up at them, scarf billowing out behind her.

The Batterwitch. Betty Crocker. Her Imperious Condescension. ALL THE SAME DERANGED TROLL MONARCH? OBEY. CEASE REPRODUCTION. CONSUME. SUBMIT. Fruit gushers. Hamburger helper. Guy Fieri. SUBMIT TO CULLING.

White tentacles surrounded a frog temple on an island in the Pacific. Slowly but surely, they dragged it under.

End of Act 6 Act 2.


	168. Book 10 Chapter 11: Act 6 Intermission 2

Here we go. Act Intermission 2 everyone! You know what? I'm feeling charitable. I'll post half today (end of book 10), then half Tuesday (beginning of book 11), and then we'll discuss what happens next next Saturday.

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 11: Act 6 Intermission 2

A bottle of milk sat at the edge of a carapacian's mouth.

"Hold still, Slick."

Spades Slick turned his head to avoid having to drink the milk.

"God dammit. Will you quit fidgeting and drink your milk? It's warm and nutritious, fresh from the butler's teat. You just watched me milk it!"

Slick yelled, a sharp short sound that sent milk spraying all across his face.

"Oh, for fuck's sake. You are impossible."

Hussie, wearing a shitty cosplay outfit of Calmasis, lifted the milk bottle from the wounded ex-archagent's face. A white eyepatch covered one of Slick's eyes, and the other was completely red. Parts of him were patched together with metal.

Hussie turned. "MS. PAINT! Is that soup ready yet? He's being a dick." Behind him stood Aurthour, lusus of the late Equius Zahhak.

Ms. Paint dipped a ladle into her bowl of scottie dog soup.

"Also, can you bring some gauze? He stabbed me again. It was one of his more tentative stabbings though... I think maybe he meant it as a sort of thank you?"

Ms. Paint poured the soup into a bowl and set it on a doily on a tray. She also placed a flower in a case next to the bowl.

"Nope. Wait. He just stabbed me again. I don't think that one was a thankstab. It was more like just a regular stab. I probably should have confiscated his knife before I gave him these super fast robot arms. My god he is frisky with those things."

Ms. Paint folded an origami scottie dog and placed it on the tray as well. She then picked up the tray and turned to walk down the hall to where Hussie, Slick, and Aurthour were.

"Hey put that down. I said settle your ass down. Where's the gratitude, Slick? I am waiting on you hand and foot here. Where do you think you are, Butler Island? You know what? Fuck Butler Island. I think I just died and went to Butler fucking Heaven. I see that knife. Yeah, that one. You're not fooling anyone. If you don't calm down, I'm going to repair your other eye. You know, the one you refused to let me fix, because you thought the eye patch looked cool? I'll do it!"

Ms. Paint stopped in her tracks and looked up. "Ms. Paint, what is taking so long with that soup?! This is a man in sore need of his scottie dogs if I ever saw one." The tray dropped from the carapacian's hands. "MS. PAINT ARE YOU LISTENING?"

The scottie dog soup sloshed everywhere and the bowl flipped completely upside down. Next to the overturned bowl was a golden cane. A green hand poking out of a flashing rainbow sleeve clutched the robot Hussie's head in its lanky fingers.

Before Ms. Paint stood Lord English in his full glory. Torn-up white pants hung from green suspenders across his rippling, muscular chest. The Cairo Overcoat hung over his broad shoulders like a cape, the coattails dragging along the floor in back of him. In his hand was a golden staff with a glowing orb on the end. The Prospitian's horrified face was reflected in his ever-changing pool ball eyes.

End of year one of the journey from the **Green Sun** to the new session.

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION. **

**CCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS MEMO BULLSHIT AGAIN.**

**CCG: I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.**

**CCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND EVERYONE HERE HAS THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR NOOKS I WANT TO SCREAM LOUDER THAN I USUALLY DO.**

**CCG: THEIR TROLL NOOKS *AND* HUMAN NOOKS, WHATEVER THE HELL A HUMAN NOOK EVEN *IS*.**

**CCG: YOU KNOW?**

**CCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE? **

**FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]** **10 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo. **

**FCG: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.**

**CCG: OH... **

**CCG: HEY **

**FCG: I CAN'T**

**FCG: I JUST CANNOT**

**FCG: *FUCKING***

**FCG: ***BELIEVE*****

**FCG: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN WITH YOU/ME.**

**FCG: WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?**

**CCG: DUDE, WHAT'S WITH THE TEXT? **

**FCG: UUUUUGH.**

**FCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!**

**FCG: I JUST HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE PREMONITION YOU'RE ABOUT TO ANYWAY.**

**CCG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW WHY YOU CHANGED YOUR TEXT RED! **

**CCG: WE DON'T DO THAT. THE SHOWY, SELF-ABSORBED "PAINT YOUR TEXT IN YOUR BLOOD COLOR" THING. OR EYE COLOR, OR WHATEVER. **

**CCG: IT'S FOR ATTENTION-GREEDY, INSECURE LOSERS. **

**FCG: SURE IS!**

**CCG: HMM. **

**FCG: ? - SARCASTIC WONDER.**

**CCG: I'M JUST THINKING **

**CCG: THIS REALLY MAKES OUR CONVERSATIONS EASIER TO READ. **

**CCG: REMEMBER THOSE INSANE BLOCKS OF GRAY ANGRY TEXT WE USED TO WRITE TOGETHER. **

**CCG: WHAT WAS THAT **

**CCG: LIKE HALF A SWEEP AGO ALREADY? **

**CCG: IS IT WEIRD THAT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING BACK ON ALL THAT INSANITY WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF FONDNESS? **

**CCG: AT LEAST SHIT WAS HAPPENING. **

**CCG: IT'S SO BORING OUT HERE. AND LIVING WITH THE HUMANS IS JUST GETTING KIND OF **

**CCG: WEIRD. **

**CCG: ANYWAY, THIS IS ACTUALLY A LOT MORE DECIPHERABLE. MAYBE YOU'RE ON TO SOMETHING. **

**FCG: WELL HEY, CHECK IT OUT:** **SHIT JUST GOT NOSTALGIC. **

**FCG: LOOK AT THAT, I'M FEELING MORE SENTIMENTAL ABOUT THIS MORONIC CONVERSATION ALREADY. **

**CCG: OK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO FROM ZERO TO DOUCHE LIKE IN THE BLINK OF A FUCKING GLANCE NUGGET. **

**FCG: THE BLINK OF A GLANCE NUGGET? I'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR TEN MINUTES ALREADY. AND COUNTING! **

**CCG: I JUST THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON TO SOMETHING WITH THE RED TEXT. I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT YOU ANTAGONIZING FUCK. **

**CCG: I MEAN, WE ONLY EVER GOT IN THE HABIT OF TYPING IN GRAY TO HIDE OUR BLOOD COLOR, RIGHT? **

**CCG: AND LIKE, 1) EVERYBODY KNOWS IT NOW, IT WAS THE WORST KEPT FUCKING SECRET EVER, AND 2) EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T, IT'S JUST US HERE, AND OBVIOUSLY WE'VE BOTH ALREADY KNOWN IT ALL OUR LIVES **

**CCG: UNLESS WE'RE BOTH SO NEUROTIC WE ACTUALLY STILL WANT TO ACT LIKE ITS A SECRET WE'RE KEEPING FROM EACH OTHER... **

**CCG: BUT I'D LIKE TO THINK THE DAYS OF THAT ASTOUNDING DEGREE OF MENTAL ILLNESS ARE BEHIND US! **

**FCG: (I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T UNTIL THE CONVERSATION RUNS ITS COURSE. THIS IS THE WORST HELL IMAGINABLE.) **

**CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT'S THE EXACT KIND OF MELODRAMA I'M TALKING ABOUT, WE'RE BETTER THAN THAT NOW MAN. **

**CCG: I'M GONNA DO THE *MATURE* THING HERE: ****AND SWITCH MY TEXT TO RED.**

**CCG: THERE. I THINK THIS SHOULD BE THE UNIVERSAL CONVENTION FOR WHEN TWO OF THE SAME PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.**

**CCG: ONE GUY BITES THE BULLET AND TALKS IN RED.**

**CCG: SERIOUSLY, ONE OF US HAS TO BE THE GROWN UP HERE.**

**FCG: OH! I GET IT NOW. **

**FCG: WHEN I TYPE IN RED, IT'S SHOWY AND INSECURE, BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, YOU ARE SHOULDERING THE PRAGMATIC BURDEN OF A MARTYR, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS *MY* FUCKING IDEA TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE TEN MINUTES AGO! **

**FCG: YOU PIECE OF SHIT. **

**CCG: OK! GOD DAMMIT, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. I FUCKING APOLOGIZE.**

**FCG: CAN YOU JUST TALK ABOUT YOUR STUPID FEELINGS ALREADY SO WE CAN GET THIS NIGHTMARE OVER WITH.**

**CCG: WELL LOOK, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LOPSIDED THING WHERE I SPILL ALL MY FEELINGS INTO IDIOTSPACE WHILE SOME SHIT HEAD YELLS AT ME.**

**CCG: I WAS KIND OF THINKING THERE WOULD BE SOME GIVE AND TAKE, SINCE YOU PRESUMABLY SHARE A LOT OF MY THOUGHTS?**

**FCG: OK WHATEVER. JUST SAY SOME STUFF ALREADY. ALL THAT SHIT I SAID TEN MINUTES AGO. **

**FCG: I WILL "RIFF" WITH YOU AND SOMEHOW PRETEND IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M REHASHING A BUNCH OF LINES WRITTEN IN BARELY DRIED INK! **

**CCG: OK**

**CCG: WELL**

**CCG: I'M HAVING A HARD TIME EVEN PUTTING MY THOUGHTS INTO WORDS ABOUT THIS BIZARRE TREK THROUGH THE RING.**

**CCG: AT FIRST IT WAS JUST BLAND AND UNEVENTFUL. BUT THAT WAS KIND OF A RELIEF, REMEMBER?**

**CCG: NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING KILLED ALL THE TIME, OR TRYING TO RALLY A BUNCH OF UNCOOPERATIVE TROOPS TOWARD AN IMPOSSIBLE OBJECTIVE.**

**FCG: YEAH. **

**CCG: BUT THEN**

**CCG: AS IF IT WASN'T ENOUGH THAT SOMETIMES WE VISIT THESE CRAZY DREAM BUBBLES WHEN WE GO TO SLEEP...**

**CCG: WE STARTED PHYSICALLY PASSING THROUGH THEM TOO.**

**CCG: LIKE I THINK I COULD HANDLE IT BETTER IF IT WAS JUST ONE THING OR THE OTHER. **

**CCG: LIKE *ONLY* THE MONOTONOUS DAY TO DAY DRUDGERY ON THE SAME GLOOMY FUCKING METEOR WITH THE SAME BUNCH OF RIDICULOUS PEOPLE, AND BASICALLY NOTHING TO DO EVER EXCEPT GET ALL UP IN EACH OTHER'S BUSINESS. **

**CCG: OR *ONLY* A SWEEPS LONG SAFARI THROUGH AN EPHEMERAL REALM OF GHOST MEMORIES AND DEAD FRIENDS SHITTING AROUND IN A HAPHAZARD EXISTENTIAL CLUSTERFUCK. **

**CCG: BUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH BOTH, IN TOTALLY RANDOM INTERVALS?**

**CCG: IT'S KIND OF TAKING ITS TOLL. **

**FCG: "I HEAR YOU MAN."**

**FCG: THAT WAS WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT.**

**FCG: BUT FOR THE RECORD, I GUESS I MEANT IT.**

**CCG: YEAH. **

**CCG: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. **

**CCG: I MISS ALL OF MY DEAD FRIENDS A LOT. **

**CCG: EVEN THE ASSHOLES! I MISS THEM TOO. MAYBE EVEN ESPECIALLY THEM, IN SOME PERVERSE WAY. **

**CCG: AND I SHOULD BE RELIEVED THAT THEY ALL SEEM TO BE HAPPY IN SOME WAY, EVEN IF IT'S BY FLOATING NEBULOUSLY THROUGH DREAM PROJECTIONS WITH THEIR FREAKY BLANK EYES. **

**CCG: AND I GUESS I AM RELIEVED ABOUT THAT. **

**CCG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME IT'S LEFT ME UNSETTLED. **

**CCG: FOR REASONS I CAN'T REALLY PUT MY FINGER ON.**

**FCG: I KNOW WHY.**

**CCG: YOU DO? **

**FCG: YEAH.**

**CCG: WELL OF COURSE YOU DO. **

**CCG: I GUESS BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU TEN MINUTES AGO, MAKING IT LIKE A SELF-FULFILLING EPIPHANY? **

**FCG: WELL THERE'S THAT**

**FCG: BUT ALSO THIS CONVERSATION HELPED CLARIFY SOME THOUGHTS TOO, IN SPITE OF ITS EXCRUCIATING POINTLESSNESS.**

**FCG: PART OF WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU ABOUT THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS ABOUT MORTALITY.**

**CCG: YEAH **

**CCG: I THINK THAT'S PART OF IT. **

**CCG: AFTER VISITING WHO KNOWS HOW MANY DREAM BUBBLES **

**CCG: AND HANGING OUT WITH WHO KNOWS HOW MANY DEAD FRIENDS, AND *COPIES* OF DEAD FRIENDS FROM ALTERNATE TIMELINES... **

**CCG: I START TO WONDER, DOES DEATH EVEN REALLY MEAN ANYTHING? **

**CCG: DID LIFE MEAN ANYTHING, FOR THAT MATTER? **

**CCG: WAS THE POINT OF LIFE TO JUST GO AROUND COLLECTING A BUNCH OF PAINFUL AND AWKWARD EXPERIENCES TO SUPPLY MATERIAL FOR THE REVOLVING MEMORY-COLLAGE THAT SERVES AS THE BACKDROP TO A MUCH LONGER, EMPTIER STRETCH OF EXISTENCE? **

**CCG: AND HOW UNNERVING IS IT RUNNING INTO OUR DEAD DOPPELGANGERS FROM DOOMED TIMELINES? **

**FCG: HEY, YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR, BRO.**

**CCG: IT'S FUCKED UP. **

**CCG: NEVER MIND WHAT IT MEANS ABOUT A PERSON'S IDENTITY OR SENSE OF SELF, OR WHICH GUY GETS TO BE CONSIDERED "THE REAL GUY" OR PHILOSOPHICAL BULLSHIT LIKE THAT. **

**CCG: JUST ON THE LEVEL OF WHAT YOUR DECISIONS AND ACTIONS DURING YOUR LIFE ACTUALLY MEAN. **

**CCG: SOMETIMES WE RUN INTO THESE VERSIONS OF OURSELVES WHO REACHED GOD TIER FOR FUCK'S SAKE. **

**CCG: BUT IN SPITE OF BEING *MORE* SUCCESSFUL THAN WE WERE, BY THAT PARTICULAR OBJECTIVE MEASURE **

**CCG: THEY GET PUNISHED FOR THAT, BECAUSE IT WASN'T "THE THING THAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN"?**

Once, when the trolls (plus Dave and Rose) had passed through a dream bubble, they had met up with Eridan and Feferi in a projection of LOWAA (Land of Wrath and Angels). Feferi had used her life powers to patch The Mayor up. He had made a swift recovery and once more taken control of the illustrious Can Town, along with his old friend Serenity and his new friends, Dave and Terezi.

**FCG: PRETTY MUCH.**

**CCG: SO WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE US?**

**CCG: IF WE ARE TO TAKE SOME LESSON FROM THAT, WHAT IS IT!**

**CCG: "TRY TO BE GREAT AND SUCCESSFUL, BUT MAYBE NOT TOOOO GREAT AND SUCCESSFUL?"**

**CCG: OR MAYBE DON'T TRY AT ALL IN SOME CASES! BECAUSE IF YOU DO, SOME GIANT FUCKING SQUID IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE IS GOING TO BE LIKE, NOT SO FAST, MY HIDEOUS MONSTER PLANS BEG TO DIFFER.**

**CCG: DON'T YOU THINK WE'D HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF IF WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THIS DREAM BUBBLE SHIT?**

**FCG: WELL.**

**FCG: YEAH.**

**FCG: THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING TEN MINUTES AGO.**

**FCG: BUT NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW.**

**CCG: YEAH, WELL AT LEAST YOU'RE LISTENING. EVEN IF YOU WERE BEING YOUR USUAL SHITTY SELF ABOUT IT.**

**CCG: NOBODY ELSE EVEN GETS THIS, THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.**

**CCG: LIKE TEREZI?**

**CCG: IT USED TO BE THAT SHE WOULD AT LEAST HUMOR EVEN MY MOST LUDICROUS, VITRIOLIC GARBAGE ALL THE TIME.**

**CCG: REMEMBER THOSE DAYS?**

**CCG: WAY BACK BEFORE WE EVEN KNEW WHAT A HUMAN WAS.**

**CCG: BACK ON ALTERNIA WHEN MY BIGGEST FEAR WAS IF PEOPLE FOUND OUT I WAS A MUTANT. HOW QUAINT CAN YOU FUCKING GET?**

**CCG: I WAS AN IDIOT NOT TO UNDERSTAND HOW GOOD THINGS WERE BACK THEN.**

**CCG: BETWEEN US.**

**CCG: NOW IT'S LIKE...**

**FCG: SDJS;ALSKJFSA;JK**

**CCG: WHAT?**

**FCG: THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION.**

**CCG: OH GET OVER YOURSELF, OUR TEN MINUTES IS ALMOST UP.**

**CCG: I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW.**

**CCG: IS SHE PUNISHING ME FOR SOMETHING?**

**CCG: I DON'T NEED TO REMIND YOU HOW MUCH TIME SHE SPENDS GALLIVANTING AROUND THE METEOR WITH YOU KNOW WHO.**

**FCG: NO YOU SURE AS FUCK DO NOT. **

**CCG: AFTER ALL THIS TIME I *STILL* CAN'T TELL IF SHE'S SERIOUS ABOUT THAT, OR DOING IT TO FUCK WITH ME.**

**CCG: WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS THERE SOMETHING LEGITIMATELY RED GOING ON THERE?**

**CCG: HOW CAN I COMMAND SUCH ABSOLUTE MASTERY OVER THE ROMANTIC SCIENCES YET REMAIN PERPLEXED BY THIS?**

**CCG: MAYBE I CAN'T GET A READ BECAUSE HE'S NOT A TROLL, AND THEREFORE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING?**

**CCG: IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER AN INTRICATE COURTSHIP PROCESS BETWEEN AN ATTRACTIVE POTENTIAL MATESPRIT, AND SOME SORT OF VEGETABLE.**

**CCG: LIKE IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.**

**FCG: FUCK, THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING LISTENING TO THIS, MAKE IT STOP. **

**CCG: QUIET, I'M TALKING.**

**CCG: I JUST FEEL LIKE MAYBE I'M PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN WITH HER.**

**CCG: WHERE BEFORE THERE WAS MARGIN FOR ERROR, PROBABLY WAY MORE THAN I EVER DESERVED.**

**CCG: AND NOW THAT'S IT. SHE'S TOTALLY HAD IT, AND THERE'S A NEW DUDE WITH CANDYBLOOD IN TOWN.**

**CCG: HE'S JUST GOT IT ALL, DOESN'T HE? HE'S A MUCH BETTER ARTIST THAN I AM, FOR ONE THING.**

**CCG: AND HIS HORNS ARE SO NUBBY, THEY DON'T EVEN EXIST! TALK ABOUT HITTING THE JACKPOT.**

**CCG: AM I OFF BASE?**

**FCG: WE JUST WENT OVER THIS. **

**FCG: I DIDN'T GET IT THEN BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY WHINING AND FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF LIKE YOU'RE DOING NOW SO PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN.**

**FCG: YOU'VE BEEN SENDING HER AN ENDLESS STREAM OF MIXED SIGNALS FOR AS LONG AS YOU'VE KNOWN HER. **

**CCG: OH BULLSHIT.**

**FCG: LIKE FUCK IT'S BULLSHIT. **

**FCG: IT'S ALL TOO CLEAR TO ME NOW. IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF QUADRANT VACILLATION, AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. **

**FCG: NO WONDER SHE WAS FRUSTRATED AND GOT FED UP WITH YOU. **

**CCG: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.**

**FCG: IS IT? TELL ME, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TREATED HER IN A WAY THAT COULD BE OBJECTIVELY CONSTRUED AS A FORM OF BLACK SOLICITATION? **

**CCG: THAT'S JUST**

**CCG: NO, THAT'S HOW WE'VE ALWAYS ROLLED TOGETHER. IT'S LIKE**

**CCG: SPIRITED PLATONIC CONTENTION.**

**CCG: TOTALLY NORMAL TERRITORY IN A HEALTHY MATESPRITSHIP.**

**FCG: YEAH, A *HEALTHY* ONE, NOT ONE INVOLVING A DEMENTED LOUDMOUTH WHO CAN'T KEEP HIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL. **

**FCG: LET ME ASK YOU, HOW MUCH OF THAT ANIMOSITY IS INNOCENT "PLATONIC RAGE"? **

**FCG: COULD IT BE THAT SUBCONSCIOUSLY YOU WANT TO PUSH THINGS WITH HER ONTO CALIGINOUS TURF, MAYBE SEE HOW THINGS WORK OUT THERE? **

**FCG: SEE IF YOU CAN HAVE YOUR GRUB, AND CULL IT TOO? **

**FCG: THAT WAY YOU HAVE HER ALL TO YOURSELF! **

**CCG: FUCK YOU.**

**FCG: YOU WANT HER IN EVERY QUADRANT LIKE A DESPERATE FOOL. **

**FCG: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME? YOU ARE THE SAD JOKE CHARACTER IN THE ROMCOM, YOU KNOW THE GUY I'M TALKING ABOUT. **

**FCG: WHO'S GREEDY AND INDISCRIMINATE ABOUT FILLING EVERY QUADRANT, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO IT, AND IN THE END HAS FUCKALL TO SHOW FOR IT. **

**CCG: I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS.**

**FCG: YOU KIND OF DO, FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER TEN MINUTES. **

**CCG: NO, FUCK THAT, I'M SO DONE WITH YOU.**

**FCG: YEAH, YOU PRETTY MUCH ARE, BECAUSE THE TEN MINUTES ARE ABOUT UP, AND I'LL BE GONE. **

**FCG: THEN IT'LL JUST BE YOU AND THE OTHER GUY, SPINNING YOUR GLOBES TOGETHER LIKE A COUPLE STUPID PIECES OF SHIT, AD INFINITUM.**

**CCG: MAN, I MUST HAVE BEEN INSANE TO THINK ANYTHING IS DIFFERENT.**

**CCG: YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL, YOU'RE JUST AS PETTY AND HORRIBLE AS EVER.**

**CCG: FUCK YOU FOREVER. FUCK EVERY TEN-MINUTES-AHEAD VERSION OF MYSELF ALL THE WAY INTO TEN-MINUTE-FUCKING-ETERNITY.**

**FCG: I CAN'T EVEN DO THIS, NOT ANY MORE.**

**CCG: YEAH, WELL YOU MADE YOUR COCOON, PAL. NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE TURNS SHITTING IN IT, TOGETHER. IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC, SMELLIEST DANCE OF ALL.**

**FCG: HMM.**

**CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW?**

**FCG: IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME**

**FCG: THIS DUMB TANTRUM I THREW**

**FCG: THIS ENTIRE BAD MOOD...**

**FCG: IT WAS JUST ANOTHER IDIOTIC SELF-FULFILLING REACHAROUND WASN'T IT.**

**CCG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?**

**FCG: I MEAN, WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM?**

**FCG: IT WAS LIKE SPONTANEOUSLY GENERATING SELF-LOATHING WITH NO DISCERNIBLE SOURCE.**

**FCG: WAS THIS EMOTIONAL OUTBURST EVER EVEN REAL?**

**CCG: OH NO, DON'T EVEN START WITH THAT.**

**CCG: DO *NOT* START GETTING EXISTENTIAL ABOUT MY ANGER.**

**CCG: YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS REAL.**

**FCG: ARE YOU SURE, MAN?**

**CCG: ASLKJSDKLSDLFHJSIKLKLSDGNKL**

**CCG: YOU CONDESCENDING FUCK.**

**CCG: HOW**

**CCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUSDLIHLYUUIFHIERGFSHDJKBGJKSUUUUUCKING**

**CCG: **********DAAAARE************

**CCG: YOU CALL INTO QUESTION THE LEGITIMACY OF MY FEELINGS, AS IF THEY AREN'T COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED AND TOTALLY 100% GROUNDED IN**

**CCG: *ABSOLUTE***

**CCG: ~*=STONE COLD CONCRETE GOD DAMNED=*~**

**CCG: **_**************_

**CCG: **_**OBJECTIVE.**_

**CCG: **_**MOTHER.**_

**CCG: **_**FUCKING.**_

**CCG: **_**REALITY.**_

**CCG: **_**************_

**FCG: YEAH, SEE**

**FCG: I'VE COMPLETELY SET YOU OFF HERE, AND NOW YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.**

**FCG: SORRY, THIS WAS MY FAULT. I'M GOING TO GO TRY AND CALM MYSELF DOWN.**

**CCG: OH, SO THIS IS WHY YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION?**

**CCG: YOU GOT OWNED, SO YOU HAD TO SLINK AWAY LIKE A FUCKING COWARD?**

**CCG: NICE TRY SHIT HEAD, BUT I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET. YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN LIST HIS 10-MINUTE-AWAY-SELF'S FLAWS?**

**CCG: I COULD GO ON FOREVER!**

**FCG** **banned himself from responding to memo. **

**CCG: FINE, GET OUT OF HERE! GOOD RIDDANCE!**

**CCG: AS IF I COULD TAKE ANOTHER SPONGE WRINGING MINUTE OF YOUR DISINGENUOUS DRIVEL.**

**PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG]** **10 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION. **

**PCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS MEMO BULLSHIT AGAIN.**

**PCG: I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.**

**PCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND EVERYONE HERE HAS THEIR HEADS SO FAR UP THEIR NOOKS I WANT TO SCREAM LOUDER THAN I USUALLY DO.**

**PCG: THEIR TROLL NOOKS *AND* HUMAN NOOKS, WHATEVER THE HELL A HUMAN NOOK EVEN *IS*.**

**PCG: YOU KNOW?**

**PCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?**

**CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG]** **RIGHT NOW responded to memo. **

**CCG: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.**

**CCG: OH...**

**CCG: HEY**

**CCG: I CAN'T**

**CCG: I JUST CANNOT**

**CCG: *FUCKING***

**CCG: ***BELIEVE*****

**CCG: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN WITH YOU/ME.**

**CCG: WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?**

**PCG: DUDE, WHAT'S WITH THE TEXT?**

**CCG: UUUUUGH.**

**CCG: WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!**

**CCG: I JUST HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE PREMONITION YOU'RE ABOUT TO ANYWAY.**


	169. Book 10 Chapter 12: Rose's Book

Chapter 12: Rose's Book

Rose and Kanaya stood in the lab, poring over some books, when Dave transportalized into the room with them.

**DAVE: hey**

**ROSE: Sup.**

He walked over to where they were. Rose finished scribbling a sentence in a book that she was apparently writing.

**DAVE: anyone seen terezi around**

**ROSE: No.**

**ROSE: Why?**

**DAVE: we were gonna do a thing**

**DAVE: but shes not around and not answering my messages**

**DAVE: on any one of the probably ten thousand computers lying around that they would show up on**

**ROSE: A thing?**

**DAVE: yes a thing**

**ROSE: I see.**

**DAVE: shut up**

**DAVE: what about you have you seen her**

**KANAYA: No**

**KANAYA: Have You Seen Gamzee**

**DAVE: are you serious**

**DAVE: of course not**

**DAVE: i havent seen that guy at all since the first day we got here**

**DAVE: not once**

**KANAYA: Yeah**

**KANAYA: I Know**

**DAVE: talk about an elusive juggalo**

**DAVE: probably like the shyest fuckin juggalo of all time**

**DAVE: im pretty sure only karkats seen him**

**DAVE: dont expect him to rat him out either because of the "morail" junk**

**DAVE: moirail?**

**DAVE: mwah rail...**

**DAVE: alien words**

**KANAYA: I Wouldnt Expect Him To**

**KANAYA: I Wouldnt Even Ask It Would Be Really Bad Form To Ask Him That**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: i mean i bet you think youre imparting some really obscure cultural fact about trolls**

**DAVE: but really if a human said to another human**

**DAVE: "hey man can you tell me where your best clown friend is hiding so i can go chainsaw him to death"**

**DAVE: just fyi that would probably be bad form too**

**KANAYA: Okay**

**DAVE: i dunno its been a year already i think hes really intent on hiding**

**DAVE: and hanging on to those dead bodies**

**DAVE: hes probably scared to death of you at this point anyway**

**DAVE: maybe you should just let it go**

**KANAYA: Hmm**

**DAVE: rose back me up**

**ROSE: I try to stay out of troll interpersonal politics.**

**DAVE: interpersonal**

**DAVE: wait**

**DAVE: are you saying this is like**

**DAVE: a spade quadrant thing**

**DAVE: is she trying to be his kismet fish**

**ROSE: I'm saying no such thing!**

**DAVE: well if she hates him isnt that what that means**

**ROSE: Dave, don't be a dick. You're embarrassing her.**

**DAVE: haha no im not shes cool**

**DAVE: look shes being cool about it**

**KANAYA: Im Being Cool About It**

**DAVE: see?**

**KANAYA: Its Not Like That**

**KANAYA: I Just Want To Find Him**

**KANAYA: And**

**KANAYA: At Least Wound Him Somewhat**

**DAVE: yeah see i knew there had to be a perfectly harmless and unerotic explanation**

**ROSE: **_**(shh!)**_

**KANAYA: No**

**KANAYA: See Im Explaining This Badly**

**KANAYA: All Im Saying Is Basically**

**KANAYA: Just**

**KANAYA: Fuck That Guy**

She slouched her shoulders and turned her back.

**DAVE: got it**

**DAVE: so what are you up to in here**

**DAVE: whats with all these books**

**ROSE: Research.**

**ROSE: We're trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.**

**ROSE: You are aware this meteor has many secret rooms scattered throughout, including libraries, right?**

**DAVE: hell yeah**

**DAVE: we looted one of them for the can town project**

**ROSE: Can Town?**

**DAVE: i told you about can town didnt i**

**ROSE: No?**

**DAVE: well**

**DAVE: the thing about can town**

**DAVE: and all there really is to say about can town is**

**DAVE: its awesome**

**DAVE: the end?**

**ROSE: Wow.**

**ROSE: What a story.**

**DAVE: fu**

**DAVE: so**

**DAVE: what is the point of this research**

**ROSE: Primarily to gain a more thorough understanding of the situation we'll be entering when we arrive.**

**DAVE: i thought you pretty much already knew the situation**

**DAVE: since you can see the future**

**ROSE: Oh my God.**

**ROSE: I've told you. I can't see the future!**

**DAVE: yes you can**

**DAVE: you totally can**

**ROSE: Ok. But not all of it. Only certain relevant pieces.**

**ROSE: It's a bit frustrating when people make that presumption about you.**

**ROSE: For instance, you are a Knight of Time. Since you have such mastery over time, doesn't that mean you should know everything about the future too?**

**DAVE: no thats totally dumb**

**DAVE: i could know things about the future if i time traveled and found out first hand**

**DAVE: nobodys mistaking that about me im a time traveler not a fuckin fortune teller its simple as shit**

**ROSE: Right. So there are significant limitations on what you can know, governed by certain rules.**

**ROSE: That's how it is for a Seer too.**

**DAVE: ok whatever**

**ROSE: But I will say that I have been able to use these abilities to assist with research.**

**ROSE: I can treat my finite glimpses as an additional source of information.**

**ROSE: If you combine that with the knowledge we've gathered from these texts, and things we've learned from our various encounters with the deceased, with a bit of inference and deduction, a more detailed picture is coming into focus.**

**DAVE: nice**

**ROSE: Do you want to hear about it?**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: now?**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**ROSE: Why not? It's been a year.**

**ROSE: It seems like all we've done on this trip so far is indulge in lavish interior decoration projects and screw around with mysterious "Can Town" initiatives, which may or may not be consuming valuable library resources as building materials.**

**ROSE: We could make at least some effort to squeeze in annual briefings on our objective.**

**DAVE: yeah that would be pretty legit of us**

**ROSE: I think you'll find that when it comes to striving for a reasonable approximation of legitimacy, we are simply the most barely adequate there is.**

**DAVE: ok i didnt really catch any of that bullshit cause i wasnt listening**

**DAVE: im gonna make myself a cup of coffee and get primed to listen to you saying a lot of stuff like that**

**DAVE: do you want some**

**ROSE: Um. Sure.**

Dave walked over to the coffee machine and banged on the door repeatedly.

**DAVE: kanaya?**

**KANAYA: No Thank You**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: this fuckin thing**

**DAVE: where did you even unearth this piece of shit from**

The door slid open to reveal two steaming mugs full of dark, rich, brown-colored coffee.

**DAVE: oh ok there it goes**

**DAVE: two hot revitalizing cups of shitty coffee**

**DAVE: fresh out of the weird pod**

**DAVE: why do we even drink this shit**

**DAVE: i guess just cause this thing is here**

**DAVE: like somehow the temptation is even stronger because the coffee sucks?**

**DAVE: dunno how the fuck that works**

**DAVE: wish there was such a thing as apple juice on troll world**

**DAVE: could go for a bottle of aj**

**DAVE: i wonder if theres any booze squirreled away on this meteor**

**DAVE: kinda feels like we should be drinking our asses off here**

**DAVE: no adults nothing to do**

**DAVE: thats what you do without adults right**

**DAVE: get wasted all the time?**

**DAVE: wait what the fuck am i saying trolls dont even have adults**

**DAVE: well they do**

**DAVE: but theyre all in outer space being insane badasses**

**DAVE: i guess they do have the stupid nanny monsters**

**DAVE: do the monsters give a shit if they get wasted**

**ROSE: Are you talking to us?**

**DAVE: what**

**ROSE: We can't even hear you mumbling over there.**

**DAVE: oh**

**ROSE: How's that coffee coming?**

**DAVE: off the shit is how**

**DAVE: all being like**

**DAVE: in cups and everything**

**ROSE: Be sure it makes it to the table before it accumulates that strange unctuous film on the surface.**

He took the coffee out of the pod and brought them over to the table, setting one down in front of Rose.

**DAVE: so whats with the big book youre writing in**

**DAVE: is that more wizard fan fiction**

**ROSE: No, it's something like an extensive journal.**

**ROSE: I'm recording everything we've been through so far, and detailed notes on everything we know about the game.**

**ROSE: I'm also using it to document our research, and extrapolate on the new session and players.**

**DAVE: so its like**

**DAVE: your nigh unreadable gamefaq**

**DAVE: in tome form**

**ROSE: Somewhat.**

**DAVE: you sure like to write big game guides**

**ROSE: I don't look at it that way.**

**ROSE: I'm approaching it from a standpoint of responsible historical documentation.**

**ROSE: Don't you think people in the future will want to know about our story?**

**DAVE: i guess**

**ROSE: I think it could be a very useful resource some day.**

**ROSE: It could be helpful to others beginning their own quests.**

**DAVE: ehh**

**DAVE: chances of that seem pretty remote**

**KANAYA: I Really Wouldnt Rule It Out**

**DAVE: ok totally sold on that suddenly**

**DAVE: on account of not caring**

**DAVE: so tell me about the new session**

**DAVE: what is there to know**

**DAVE: and most importantly**

**DAVE: how is everything going to go wrong this time**

**ROSE: From what I understand, everything already has gone wrong before the game even started, in many different ways than ours did.**

**ROSE: There are indications of thicker political intrigue. Assassination attempts. And a usurpation of the throne more insidious than what we dealt with.**

**ROSE: But those examples still don't illustrate the fundamental fault with their session.**

**ROSE: Ours had a similar fault. It was a null session.**

**ROSE: Literature on the subject says null sessions are actually very common.**

**ROSE: It is any session resulting in failure, and as such, designed to result in failure from the start, due to Skaia's comprehensive "knowledge" of its own fate, and that of all it illumines.**

**ROSE: Biologically speaking, it's to be expected that null sessions far outnumber the successful ones. When it comes to reproductive systems, overwhelming redundancy is commonplace.**

**ROSE: A universe has a reproductive system that spreads many seeds, as it were, most of which never come to fruition. So we shouldn't feel too bad about our results, really. It was quite par for the course.**

**ROSE: But then, it would also seem that exceedingly few null sessions result in the birth of a massive green star fueled by two dead universes. For what it's worth.**

**DAVE: ok but i thought the whole point of this**

**DAVE: the scratch thing**

**DAVE: is it gave us a chance to still win**

**DAVE: but youre saying the new session has a fault too?**

**ROSE: Well, yes. There's more to it though.**

**ROSE: The new session is essentially our session, rebooted with different parameters which also affected the original conditions of our universe.**

**ROSE: And strangely, it seems the new one is a null session as well, but within a much less common subset of all null sessions.**

**ROSE: This one is referred to as a void session.  
****DAVE: ok**

**DAVE: which is what**

**ROSE: It's very simply a session in which nothing is prototyped before entry, at all. **

**ROSE: Hence, by Skaia's preemptive all-knowing and its influence on the rest of the incipisphere, there are not even any towers on Prospit or Derse built to receive the split kernels. **

**ROSE: See? **

**DAVE: weird**

**DAVE: why would these alt universe players fuck up in such an obvious and stupid way**

**ROSE: I don't know what specifically led to the failure to prototype anything. **

**ROSE: But it doesn't really matter. As I said, the session was designed this way before they began playing. Any efforts to prototype may have been in vain regardless. Possibly subject to sabotage. **

**DAVE: didnt you say at some point that not prototyping anything would be really bad**

**ROSE: Yes. **

**ROSE: It's just another way to create an infertile session. Though by a less catastrophic and bloody route we took to achieve the same result. **

**ROSE: By contrast, it leads to a rather harmless, uneventful session. Underlings remain unaugmented, and so does the royalty. **

**ROSE: And while this may sound advantageous to the players, it's a curse in disguise. The lack of prototypings which keeps adversaries unevolved has the same influence on the battlefield. **

**ROSE: Without successive prototypings, the battlefield will never reach its final form, which must be fertilized to grow a new universe.**


	170. Book 10 Chapter 13: Enter Karkat

Chapter 13: Enter Karkat

**ROSE: Instead, it remains in its most basic form, stuck in eternal stalemate.**

**ROSE: There is nothing players in a void session can do to change this. They are resigned to live out the rest of their days in a dead end session.**

**DAVE: still waiting to hear how this is in any way an improvement on all the shit we just escaped from**

**ROSE: It's a vast improvement.**

**ROSE: The new session is a blank slate, without a ridiculously short time limit for victory like ours had.**

**ROSE: There will be no time limit at all, in fact.**

**ROSE: Once we arrive, ostensibly that is when the nature of the session will change.**

**ROSE: It won't be classifiable as either a null or void session anymore. It will be something which, as far as I can tell, is unique.**

**ROSE: The fully matured battlefield from our session can be used to make the new one viable. The path to success will be made possible by a combination of efforts and assets from both iterations.**

**ROSE: Usually scratched sessions are absolute resets, and involve no direct influence from the first attempt at all. I can't find any precedent for our situation.**

**DAVE: jade has our battlefield right**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**DAVE: so she shows up and drops it in skaia**

**DAVE: and then we take the result of all that damn frog breeding we did and stick the thing in there somehow**

**DAVE: and we sit back and wait for it to do its huge ribbit or whatever**

**DAVE: and were golden**

**ROSE: Pretty much.**

**ROSE: As long as there is an actual vacancy in the center of Skaia when we get there.**

On the unprototyped B2 Battlefield, the Courtyard Droll was hard at work. He rigged up explosives to both the white and black kings, then took off in a small purple Dersite rocket and set off the detonation, destroying The Battlefield altogether.

**DAVE: is that going to be a problem**

**ROSE: I don't think so.**

**ROSE: Even if it were, it would be a trivial obstacle.**

**ROSE: But as it is, I think the forces opposing these players are clandestinely working toward the same goal as we are.**

**ROSE: From what I can tell, gestures of antagonism, while certainly posing legitimate danger, have been factored in as critical stepping stones to one destination shared by all parties.**

**ROSE: I don't know why this is, or what the motives are yet.**

**ROSE: The appearance is one of clear sailing ahead, but traces of conspiracy are everywhere.**

**DAVE: ok but**

**DAVE: conspiracies aside**

**DAVE: did it ever really look like clear sailing to you**

**DAVE: thats not what i was seeing**

**DAVE: we are going to arrive and then soon after jack is going to show up**

**DAVE: and then we have to beat him right**

**DAVE: so there kind of is a time limit**

**ROSE: Yes, we will have to deal with Jack before all is said and done.**

**ROSE: And that will definitely be a major challenge.**

**ROSE: But it is not impossible. At least, not by design.**

**ROSE: When I said there would be no time limit in this session, I was talking about something more specific.**

**ROSE: There will be no reckoning.**

**DAVE: oh **

**DAVE: why not **

**ROSE: It's a logical consequence of any void session.**

**ROSE: The battlefield never evolves, and therefore the more extensive war between Prospit and Derse never takes shape.**

**ROSE: It is only when the Prospitian king falls in battle that the reckoning can be initiated by the forces of Derse.**

**ROSE: The meteors then rush to destroy the battlefield, while Skaia redirects them through defense portals for as long as it can.**

**ROSE: Thus, if there is no war, there is no reckoning, no meteors, and no imminent threat of failure.**

**ROSE: This is of course good news for Earth as well. During the reckoning, Skaia redirects all incoming meteors to the only place it can. Earth.**

**ROSE: So it turns out that players who initiate a void session are not actually condemning their home planet to an apocalyptic wasteland after they leave.**

**ROSE: In the new instance of our universe, Earth is just fine.**

**ROSE: Sort of.**

**DAVE: so **

**DAVE: no meteors came at all **

**DAVE: you mean by fucking up and having to scratch we also sort of saved earth in the process **

**ROSE: Again: sort of.**

**ROSE: And it's not that there were no meteors whatsoever.**

**ROSE: Just the vast majority of the destructive onslaught never showed up.**

**ROSE: But delivering the temple to the site of the forge is still integral to jumpstarting the session.**

**ROSE: That meteor however could have been propelled through a portal by any means, not just via the reckoning.**

**DAVE: i see **

**DAVE: what about the players themselves **

**DAVE: they had to arrive on meteors too didnt they **

**DAVE: i guess the baby meteors were some exceptions too right **

**ROSE: Yes.**

**ROSE: But they weren't flung through portals in their own session, nor will they be created there.**

**ROSE: They were created in our session, and sent back through our portals. Just like us.**

**DAVE: ...**

**ROSE: To understand what happened, it really helps to understand exactly what a scratch is. **

**ROSE: When John severely damaged the Beat Mesa on your planet, and sent it off to Skaia to release its temporal energy there, you could view it as a kind of "request." **

**ROSE: We were asking Skaia to change everything at a fundamental level, and we gave it the energy to do so. **

**ROSE: But Skaia is a very passive entity. It only "knows" and "sees," but it never quite "acts." **

**ROSE: When it is asked to change everything, there is only so much it has control over. **

**ROSE: In fact, it has control over exactly one thing. The defense portals. **

**ROSE: It can decide to send important meteors to different points in time than originally planned, thus creating alternate realities. **

**ROSE: Offshoots of promise, rather than futility. **

**ROSE: And it turns out the most important meteors of all tend to be the ones delivering the young players to their planet. **

**ROSE: So all it has to do to change everything is tweak their destination times a bit. **

**ROSE: All internally-prompted changes in the post-scratch universe are decided entirely by this modest adjustment to the parameters. **

**ROSE: It's a very simple concept, actually. **

**ROSE: Yet the consequences are dramatic. It results in not only a hard reset for the session, but a partial reset for the universe too, due to the many causal entanglements between a session and its originating universe. **

**DAVE: what do you mean tweak the destination times**

**DAVE: where did they get sent to**

**ROSE: A variety of different time periods. **

**ROSE: The simplest way to way to look at it is to picture the original destinations of our two groups of four ecto-babies... **

**ROSE: And switch them. **

**DAVE: what**

**ROSE: Though this is just a slight oversimplification. **

**ROSE: While it's roughly true, Skaia had some peculiar whims this time.**

**ROSE: While most landed in time periods corresponding with the original group, **

**ROSE: It seems that two of the new players arrived four centuries ahead of everyone else. **

**ROSE: For some bizarre reason. **

**DAVE: uh**

**ROSE: But they're still apparently able to communicate with their coplayers through I guess some Trollian-like technology, and they're still able to establish game connections with the others. So this stands as an odd but not otherwise terribly significant detail. **

**DAVE: so**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: in this alt universe group of us and**

**DAVE: them**

**DAVE: which ones are the actual players**

**ROSE: I'll give you a hint. **

**ROSE: It isn't us. **

**DAVE: fuck**

**DAVE: why did i know that was gonna be the answer**

**ROSE: And to think that usually I'm the one accused of knowing the future. **

**DAVE: i dunno if im ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit**

**ROSE: You would find it less disconcerting if the players were alternate versions of us?**

**DAVE: man **

**DAVE: at least im used to dealing with alt daves **

**DAVE: ive been fuck deep in alt daves before **

**DAVE: its a goddamn delight if you want to know the truth **

**DAVE: but i dont even know what to think about... **

**ROSE: What?**

**ROSE: Meeting a deceased figure of authority as a peer?**

**DAVE: lets not even talk about it ok **

**DAVE: can we slow down this meteor **

**DAVE: delay the meetup **

**DAVE: maybe fight jack for a little while **

**ROSE: I honestly thought you would find the idea exciting.**

**ROSE: I know I'm looking forward to it.**

**DAVE: but your mom was just a nice alcoholic spinster who liked wizards who you complained about for no reason **

**DAVE: she wasnt anything like an untouchable master of irony who could replace the meat in your sandwich before it even occurred to you what the fuck you were chewing **

**DAVE: let me ask you this did your mom ever wiggle a puppet in your face even ONCE **

**ROSE: Not that I recall.**

**ROSE: But anecdotes like that just make me more curious to meet him, personally.**

**DAVE: fine well you can be on bro duty then **

**DAVE: ill be the ambassador to your mom **

**DAVE: and no that wasnt actually meant as the sick burn it sounded like **

**ROSE: She's your mom too, though.**

**DAVE: yeah i know **

**DAVE: ill be the ambassador to my mom then **

**DAVE: that sounds pretty stupid when i say it that way **

**DAVE: whatever **

**DAVE: ill be the fuckin one man welcome wagon for the john and jade teen old people and also our mom thats the plan **

**DAVE: so when we finally see them we can get our shit into formation like trained acrobats **

**DAVE: like ill blow a whistle and we make a human pyramid got it **

**DAVE: that way we can totally avoid anything awkward **

**ROSE: You do realize we've seen her already, right?**

**DAVE: what **

**DAVE: when **

**ROSE: Months ago.**

**ROSE: In a dream.**

**ROSE: She was floating along in Derse pajamas, asleep.**

**DAVE: wait that was her **

**ROSE: Yes.**

**DAVE: oh **

**DAVE: huh **

**DAVE: ... **

**ROSE: You're wondering why I didn't tell you?**

**DAVE: no **

**ROSE: You're specifically wondering why I wasn't forthcoming with an answer to your question at the time, "hey who was that choice babe in the pajamas?"**

**DAVE: god fucking dammit **

**ROSE: You don't find it nostalgic at all?**

**ROSE: Retracing the steps of some of our Freudian semi-blunders in conversations past?**

**DAVE: no what a load of shit **

**DAVE: stuff said between you and me before we knew we were related**

**DAVE: we both know that was a lot of horseplay bullfuckery between like smartass 10 year olds or whatever **

**DAVE: you cant seriously have taken any of that seriously **

**ROSE: ;)**

**DAVE: ugh dont ever do that **

**DAVE: all these fuckin **

**DAVE: momtraps and sistertraps **

**DAVE: what a joke i hope skaia gets to have a good laugh over shit like this **

**DAVE: wait i forgot skaia doesnt laugh it just "sees" and "knows" **

**DAVE: its like a huge blue perv thats mad jazzed for kidcest **

**KANAYA: What Are You People Even Talking About**

**ROSE: ;)**

**DAVE: dont you wink at her **

**DAVE: kanaya heres a protip that wink meant jack dick shes just being weird **

**KANAYA: I Feel As Though This Conversation Has Utterly Outmaneuvered My Constructive Involvement**

**KANAYA: Im Going To Go**

**DAVE: yeah im pretty much ollying outie too **

**DAVE: got some shit to attend to **

**DAVE: after you**

Just as Kanaya stepped onto the transportalizer, Karkat appeared in the room, knocking her backwards onto one of the carpets in the room.

**KANAYA: Augh**

**KANAYA: Why Does That Always Happen**

**KARKAT: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY.**

**KARKAT: I GOT A LAB FULL OF HUMANS, A MOUTH FULL OF YELLING, AND A TORTURED PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE FULL OF TOTALLY HYSTERICAL EMOTIONS AND UNAIRED GRIEVANCES AT PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY.**

**DAVE: karkat is broken guys**

**KARKAT: YEAH**

**KARKAT: OK HOLD ON**

**KARKAT: IF I CAN SETTLE DOWN A TICK I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE MORE SENSE SHORTLY**

**KARKAT: JUST ONE...**

**KARKAT: *huff huff***

**ROSE: Maybe you should lie down on the couch.**

**KARKAT: FUCK...**

**KARKAT: *wheeze***

**KARKAT: NO**

**DAVE: dude what is the matter with you**

**KARKAT: WOW OK**

**KARKAT: THAT WAS A PRETTY TERRIBLE ENTRANCE.**

**KARKAT: ANYWAY**

**KARKAT: WHERE WAS I.**

**DAVE: dunno but i was just leaving**

**KARKAT: NOT SO FAST STRIDER, THIS HEAVILY CONCERNS YOU. **

**KARKAT: IT CONCERNS YOU EXCLUSIVELY IN FACT. **

**KARKAT: WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? **

**DAVE: just stepping out to do a thing**

**DAVE: which is not your business**

**KARKAT: LIKE MY INFLAMED QUAKING GALLSPHINCTER IT'S NOT. **

**KARKAT: TELL ME, ARE YOU BY ANY CHANCE GOING TO HAVE SOME COMPANY WHEN YOU STEP OUT TO DO THIS "THING?" **

**KARKAT: NOTICE THE TWO HEAVILY DRAMATIZED "ENCLOSURE TALONS" SURROUNDING THAT WORD, WHICH I AM SCORNFULLY PANTOMIMING WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS, AS PRESENTLY BEING DEMONSTRATED FOR YOU. **

**DAVE: yeah sure**

**KARKAT: OH? **

**KARKAT: WHO WOULD THAT BE MAY I ASK? **

**DAVE: well**

**DAVE: probably the mayor**

**DAVE: hes usually down for whatever**

**KARKAT: I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING MAYOR, AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. **

**DAVE: hey dont be saying shit about the mayor**

**DAVE: the mayor rules hes like my best fucking friend**

**KARKAT: HE'S NOT A MAYOR. HE'S THE MAYOR OF FUCKSTICK JUNCTION LOCATED SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF PRETEND ASS NOWHERE. **

**DAVE: hes a mayor you douche his thing says mayor**

**KARKAT: IT SAYS "MAYO" AND HE WROTE THE "R" HIMSELF. **

**KARKAT: HE'S AT BEST A MAYO. AND WHO EVER HEARD OF A MAYO? IT'S EVERY BIT AS IMAGINARY AS HIS IDENTITY AS AN ELECTED OFFICIAL. **

**DAVE: no mayo is like grub sauce but without grubs**

**KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK EVER HEARD OF GRUB SAUCE WITHOUT GRUBS? WHAT'S IT MADE OF THEN GENIUS! **

**DAVE: like**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: i dunno its white and it just sort of exists**

**DAVE: you dont ask about mayo thats not what you do with mayo**

**KARKAT: ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW QUICKLY YOUR BULLSHIT UNRAVELS WHEN SOMEONE INTELLIGENT ACTUALLY HOLDS YOU ACCOUNTABLE? **

**KARKAT: YOU ARE FUCKING BUSTED STRIDER. **

**KARKAT: YOU ARE BUSTED ABOUT "MAYO" AND YOU ARE BUSTED ABOUT TEREZI. **

**DAVE: hahaha you are pathetic**

**DAVE: this is why you all stormed in here out of breath**

**DAVE: what did you actually sprint all the way across the meteor to tell me this**

**KARKAT: WHAT I DO WITH MY LEGS AND HOW FAST I MOVE THEM IS MY BUSINESS YOU SHIT. **

**DAVE: yeah and what i do with mine is mine**

**DAVE: watch me make them make me leave**

**KARKAT: I SAID STAY YOUR ASS PUT, WE'RE TALKING HERE. **

**DAVE: dude dont touch my cape**

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: huh**

**KARKAT: WHAT **

**DAVE: i cant believe i seriously just said dude dont touch my cape to somebody and was serious about it**

**KARKAT: OK, LOOK I'M NOWHERE NEAR YOUR PRECIOUS STUPID CAPE. JUST LISTEN.**

**KARKAT: BEFORE YOU GO OFF TO SNOG TEREZI IN YOUR IDIOTIC LITTLE VILLAGE OF NUTRITION CYLINDERS, HEAR ME OUT.**

**DAVE: man **

**DAVE: you are so overblowing this **

**KARKAT: BUT I DON'T THINK THAT I AM!**

**DAVE: yeah you are **

**DAVE: you have some idea about us or what were getting up to **

**DAVE: so weve done a few things together to pass the time so what **

**DAVE: i dont even think you could call them dates or anything **

**DAVE: what the fuck would even qualify as a date on this gross dark meteor **

**KARKAT: DAVE, CAN WE JUST CUT THE SHIT?**

**KARKAT: I AM NOT AN IMBECILE. YOU ARE BOTH PLAINLY TIPPING INTO FLUSHED TERRITORY IRRESPECTIVE OF ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS OR WHATEVER LAME CONDITIONS IT IS HUMANS BELIEVE TO BE OPTIMAL FOR PURSUING A MATESPRITSHIP.**

**KARKAT: ANYONE CAN SEE THAT, IT'S THE SHITTIEST KEPT SECRET ON THIS METEOR. PROBABLY EVEN THE FUCKING MAYOR GETS IT, AND LET'S FACE IT, HE'S A LITTLE SLOW.**

**KARKAT: DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD PULL THE WOOLBEAST MATERIAL OVER THE EYES OF A HARDENED VETERAN OF ROMANTIC STUDIES?**

**DAVE: we have one of those? **

**KARKAT: I HAVE SEEN THOUSANDS OF TROLL ROMANCE FILMS, EACH DEALING WITH TOPICS FAR MORE SUBTLE AND COMPLEX THAN YOUR PEDESTRIAN HUMAN MIND COULD EVER GRASP.**

**KARKAT: AND IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, I'VE ALREADY WATCHED HUNDREDS OF YOUR MORE PRIMITIVE BUT MODERATELY ENTERTAINING ROMANCE FILMS.**

**KARKAT: REMEMBER HOW I DOWNLOADED A FUCK TON OF THEM AFTER DISCOVERING YOUR SPECIES? I AM A CURIOUS MAN, DAVE, YOU COULD LEARN FROM ME.**

**DAVE: yeah i remember **

**DAVE: havent you only watched a bunch of shitty dane cook movies on infinite loop since we left **

**KARKAT: YOU'RE SEVERELY EXAGGERATING, BUT YES I HAVE SAMPLED HIS WORK.**

**DAVE: dude **

**DAVE: you know youre only pretending to be a huge fan of his bullshit to piss me off **

**KARKAT: AGAIN LOOK AT HOW SELF ABSORBED YOU'RE BEING!**

**KARKAT: I HAPPEN TO THINK HE HAS A BRILLIANT COMEDIC MIND, FOR A HUMAN.**

**DAVE: hrnngngnngghhhh **

**DAVE: it turns out that exact sentence is my one weakness **

**DAVE: you win bro you got your girl back **

**KARKAT: OH SHUT UP.**

**KARKAT: I AM NOT HERE TO DEBATE YOU ON THE FINER POINTS OF CINEMA, OR TO "GET MY GIRL BACK."**

**KARKAT: HOW DESPERATE DO YOU THINK I AM?**

**KARKAT: I'M ACTUALLY HERE TO DO THE OPPOSITE.**

**KARKAT: I WANTED TO TELL YOU I'M TOTALLY OK WITH IT.**

**DAVE: oh **

**DAVE: ok then **

**KARKAT: BUT JUST LISTEN, AND TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND. I KNOW THAT'S HARD FOR YOU.**

**KARKAT: HERE, PLEASE TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.**

**DAVE: oh no**

**DAVE: what the hot mess of fresh fuck am i looking at**

**KARKAT: IT'S AN ALTERNIAN ROMANCE NOVEL. **

**KARKAT: NOW LOOK, I'M NOT VOUCHING FOR THIS PARTICULAR PIECE OF LITERATURE. IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY TRASHY AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED I COULD RECOMMEND MUCH BETTER THINGS TO YOU. **

**KARKAT: IT'S JUST THIS ONE ILLUSTRATES THE CONCEPT VERY CLEARLY. **

**DAVE: what...**

**DAVE: "concept"**

**KARKAT: IT'S A PRETTY TYPICAL CASE OF QUADRANT VACILLATION AS APPLIED TO AN OVERLAPPING GROUP OF ROMANTIC PAIRINGS. **

**DAVE: you lost me at quadrant**

**DAVE: for future reference thats the word that always lets me know its time to check out of a sentence**


	171. Book 10 Chapter 14: Penis Ouija

Chapter 14: Penis Ouija

**KARKAT: WILL YOU PIPE DOWN AND JUST HEAR ME OUT. **

**KARKAT: IT'S REALLY SIMPLE. THINK OF IT AS BEING SIMILAR TO ONE OF YOUR PRIMITIVE HUMAN LOVE TRIANGLES. **

**KARKAT: THOUGH THIS IS A QUADRANGLE. THOSE ARE MUCH MORE COMMON IN OUR SOCIETY AND ENTERTAINMENT, AND FOUR IS PRETTY MUCH THE MINIMUM VALUE FOR LOVE-HATE N-DRANGLES. **

**DAVE: n drangles**

**DAVE: god dammit**

**KARKAT: NOW HERE IS WHAT'S ACTUALLY GOING ON WITH THIS GROUP OF CHARACTERS. PAY ATTENTION. HEY, LOOK AT ME. EYES OVER HERE. GOOD. **

**KARKAT: SEE THE TWO HEROES IN THE MIDDLE, PARTAKING IN THEIR FLUSHED EMBRACE? PRETTY MUCH YOUR TYPICAL LOWBLOOD REDROM PAIRING. THEIR DYNAMIC IS THE GRUBLOAF AND TUBER PASTE OF THE OVERALL ARC. **

**DAVE: ...**

**KARKAT: BUT WHAT HAVE WE HERE? THERE ARE SOME NEFARIOUS HIGHBLOODS IN THE PICTURE TOO. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. **

**KARKAT: THE GUY ON THE LEFT IS AN OLD CALIGINOUS FLAME FROM THE MALE LOWBLOOD'S PAST, AND HAS REENTERED THE PICTURE. AGAIN, NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY. HE CAN CONTINUE TO COURT HIS MATESPRIT AND KISMESIS WITHOUT CONFLICT. IT'S A PERFECTLY AMICABLE ARRANGEMENT THAT EVERYONE'S TOTALLY DOWN WITH. **

**DAVE: what is that huge beefcake troll even doing**

**DAVE: is he grinding against the little dudes shoulder what is even going on**

**DAVE: why the fuck is he nude**

**KARKAT: NO QUESTIONS YET. **

**KARKAT: SO THEN THAT'S ALL FINE, PRETTY BOILERPLATE CONDITIONS FOR UNFOLDING ROMDRAMA, BUT THERE'S A TWIST. **

**KARKAT: THE MALE HIGHBLOOD AND LOWBLOOD START TO HAVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER, AND THIS RESULTS IN SOME RED INFIDELITY BETWEEN THE LOWBLOOD PAIR. **

**KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY THIS IS WHERE THE FIREWORKS START GOING OFF. THE RED FEELINGS BETWEEN THE LOWBLOODS TURN TO BLACK, AND THUS BEGINS WHAT IS REFERRED TO AS QUADRANT VACILLATION. **

**KARKAT: MEANWHILE THE TWO MALES ARE ALSO VACILLATING BETWEEN RED AND BLACK, BECAUSE YOU DON'T JUST LET GO OF A RIVALRY SO EASILY. **

**DAVE: what is going on with the other chick**

**DAVE: all grabbing at the other one down there in the corner**

**KARKAT: YEAH, WELL, IT GETS EVEN MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT, PROBABLY MORE THAN NEEDED FOR THE SAKE OF MAKING THE POINT. **

**KARKAT: IN THE HEAT OF THEIR VACILLATION, DURING AN ESPECIALLY BLACK PHASE, THE LOWBLOOD FEMALE WAXES RED FOR A NOTORIOUS AND ESPECIALLY BRUTAL HIGHBLOOD FEMALE. **

**KARKAT: SO THEY HAVE THEIR THING ON THE SIDE, BUT EVEN THAT STARTS VACILLATING TOO BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL PAIR JUST KEEP SPINNING LIKE A TOP. **

**KARKAT: WE DON'T NEED TO GET BOGGED DOWN IN THE QUADRANGLE DYNAMIC THOUGH, AND FOR OUR PURPOSES THE 4TH PARTY IS A DISTRACTION. **

**DAVE: our purposes**

**DAVE: what the fuck are our purposes**

**KARKAT: THE THING IS, VACILLATION ALWAYS ADDS A LOT OF DRAMA TO EVERYTHING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN'T BE VIABLE. **

**KARKAT: IT CAN TOTALLY WORK, AND EVERYONE CAN BE REASONABLE ABOUT IT, IT REALLY JUST COMES DOWN TO A MATTER OF SENSIBLE SCHEDULING. **

**DAVE: you must be out of your fucking mind if you think i want to know where youre going with this**

**KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE. **

**KARKAT: JUST READ THE BOOK, OK? IT'S ALL IN THE BOOK.**

**DAVE: im not reading that shit**

**DAVE: i cant even read your stupid troll language why would you think i can**

**KARKAT: I THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER. I CAN TRANSLATE FOR YOU. I'LL READ THE WHOLE DAMN THING ALOUD IF YOU WANT. **

**KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, IT COULD REALLY EXPAND YOUR LIMITED HUMAN THINK PAN ON STUFF. **

**KARKAT: THERE'S A LOT HERE THAT'S APPLICABLE TO OUR SITUATION. **

**DAVE: there is nothing even slightly applicable about any of that bullshit to our situation**

Rose grabbed the book as Karkat held it up. Karkat didn't even seem to notice.

**KARKAT: DON'T BE DENSE. OF COURSE THERE IS. **

**KARKAT: TEREZI AND I HAVE BEEN ON THE VERGE OF VACILLATING LIKE THIS FOR A LONG TIME. **

**KARKAT: IT'S ABOUT TIME WE KILLED THE SUSPENSE AND JUST ACKNOWLEDGED IT. **

**KARKAT: YOU AND SHE SEEM BENT ON DEVELOPING SOMETHING IN THE FLUSHED QUADRANT, AND LIKE I SAID, I'M FINE WITH THAT. **

**KARKAT: IF WE CAN JUST GET OUR SHIT STRAIGHTENED OUT, WE CAN BE LIKE THESE VACILLATING PAIRS THAT ALTERNATE BETWEEN RED AND BLACK, BUT IN A WAY THAT'S COMPLEMENTARY WITH EACH OTHER'S PATTERNS. **

**DAVE: oh my god**

**DAVE: why is this happening**

**KARKAT: LIKE WHILE SHE AND I ARE BLACK, YOU AND SHE ARE RED. **

**KARKAT: BUT THEN WHEN SHE AND I ARE RED, YOU AND SHE... I DON'T KNOW IF HUMANS ARE REALLY CAPABLE OF BLACK FEELINGS? **

**KARKAT: I GUESS THAT'S UP TO YOU. MAYBE YOU CAN JUST LIKE, SIT THOSE PERIODS OUT. **

**KARKAT: LIKE TAKE A BREAK, YOU KNOW? **

**DAVE: youve completely lost it dude**

**DAVE: i cant believe for a fucking second this is reasonable shit to propose even on troll world**

**DAVE: you just**

**DAVE: totally snapped**

**KARKAT: SNAPPED LIKE A FUCKING FOX. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. **

**KARKAT: LIKE I SAID, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF RESPONSIBLE SCHEDULING.**

**KARKAT: HERE LET ME SHOW YOU. **

**KARKAT: I NEED SOME PAPER. WHERE'S SOME PAPER. **

**DAVE: hnnrrghh**

**KARKAT: LOOK, IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.**

**KARKAT: HANG ON WHILE I DRAW THE GUIDELINES.**

Karkat flipped open to the next available page in Rose's book and began to draw a little table with Rose's lavender pen.

**DAVE: oh no**

**DAVE: no you are NOT making another shipping grid dude**

**KARKAT: IT'S NOT A SHIPPING GRID.**

**KARKAT: JUST SOME ROWS AND COLUMNS FOR A SCHEDULE.**

**DAVE: its a grid youre drawing a goddamn grid**

**DAVE: im not letting you draw a grid for this stupid shit**

**KARKAT: COME ON, LOOK HERE. THESE ARE THE DAYS OF THE WEEK.**

**KARKAT: THEN WE EACH HAVE ROWS FOR THOSE DAYS AND WE CAN DRAW A HEART OR A SPADE FOR ANY GIVEN DAY.**

**KARKAT: THAT WAY WE KNOW WHAT'S UP IN ADVANCE, AND AVOID UNPLEASANT CONFLICTS.**

**DAVE: put the fucking pen down**

Dave grabbed Karkat's hand, causing his line to veer alarmingly off-course.

**KARKAT: HEY, CUT IT OUT. DON'T TOUCH ME.**

**DAVE: do not draw a shipping grid**

**DAVE: do not do it**

**KARKAT: IT'S NOT A SHIPPING GRID YOU OBTUSE FUCK.**

**DAVE: this is fucked up put it down**

**KARKAT: NO.**

**DAVE: you are not drawing a grid to organize our goddamn dating lives**

**DAVE: that is some straight up crackpot motherfuckin noise i will not abide**

**KARKAT: FUCK YOU. LET ME DRAW.**

**DAVE: stop drawing the shipping grid**

**KARKAT: *IT IS NOT A SHIPPING GRID***

**KARKAT: THIS IS NOT SHIPPING YOU HEINOUS TOOL, THIS IS COMMON SENSE.**

**DAVE: you will not draw anything that even remotely resembles a grid**

Dave and Karkat grappled over the pen, one of them pushing it this way and the other one pushing it that way. Lavender scribbles began to dominate the page.

**DAVE: do not draw an arrangement of squares or otherwise interlocking polygons**

**KARKAT: LET GO.**

**DAVE: you will not draw a spreadsheet for the purpose of allocating time spent with a mutual girlfriend you horses ass**

**DAVE: that is exactly the shit i do not want to see**

**KARKAT: LOOK, I JUST DREW A SQUARE.**

**KARKAT: GET READY TO SEE A LOT MORE OF THOSE!**

**DAVE: no**

**DAVE: stop**

**DAVE: do not draw any additional squares**

**DAVE: do not draw any quadrilaterals or trapezoids or rectangles or fucking n-drangles and especially as fuck not any god damned rhombuses**

**DAVE: i dont want to see your lines making any right angles do you understand**

**KARKAT: IN MY MIND'S EYE I AM PICTURING A BEAUTIFUL LATTICE OF LINES AND COMPARTMENTS, INTERLOCKING WITH SUBLIME PRECISION AT NINETY DEGREE ANGLES.**

**KARKAT: I IMAGINE THIS MODULAR RETICULATION AS AN ELEGANT VESSEL, IF YOU WILL, FOR THE GRAND SYNTHESIS OF OUR SHARED SHIPPING DREAMS.**

**DAVE: no**

**DAVE: that is the perfect example of what you shouldnt be drawing**

**KARKAT: YES**

**DAVE: no**

**KARKAT: FUCK YES**

**KARKAT: OOH LOOK, ANOTHER SQUARE, SORT OF.**

**KARKAT: KIND OF WOBBLY! IT'LL HAVE TO DO.**

**DAVE: no you fuck**

**KARKAT: WAIT, I THINK IT'S COMING.**

**KARKAT: HERE IT COMES, MY FIRST "SHIP", IT'S GOING IN THE SQUARE!**

**DAVE: put the goddamn pen down**

**DAVE: you piece of shit**

**KARKAT: HELL NO.**

**DAVE: yes**

**KARKAT: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?**

**KARKAT: OW, FUCK.**

**DAVE: this is so sick does she even know youre doing this**

**KARKAT: DOING WHAT? **

**DAVE: splitting up her time in a grid for your stupid rotating hate date plan**

**KARKAT: SHE WILL SOON ENOUGH. **

**DAVE: what a presumptuous sack of shit put the pen down**

**KARKAT: NO, I'M DRAWING. **

**DAVE: step away from your dumb ugly scribble grid**

**KARKAT: GET LOST. **

**DAVE: youre messing up roses book**

**KARKAT: YOU SMELL BAD. **

**DAVE: dont talk to me about rank smells**

**DAVE: you are the fuckin big man of smellin bad**

**DAVE: you dominate the paint with your stonk**

**KARKAT: MY LUSUS BROUGHT THINGS HOME THAT SMELLED MORE APPEALING THAN YOU. **

**KARKAT: IMPORTANT FACT: 100% OF WHAT HE BROUGHT HOME WAS EITHER A DEAD ANIMAL, OR LITERAL FECES. **

**DAVE: oh yeah well check it out:**

**DAVE: you smell like if someone took a dump on a butt**

**KARKAT: HOW CAN SHE STAND YOU WITH HER SENSITIVE NOSE? **

**KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER EVEN WASHED THAT RIDICULOUS OUTFIT? **

**DAVE: theyre magic fucking pajamas they stay like perma clean or something**

**DAVE: theyre enchanted and comfy as fuck give me the pen**

**KARKAT: NO, IT'S MINE NOW. I'M KEEPING IT ON PRINCIPLE.**

Their combined grip on the pen swerved down to the bottom of the page and started to draw crude depictions of penises.

**DAVE: karkat whoa man what are you doing**

**DAVE: why are you drawing all these human dicks**

**DAVE: how do you even know what they look like what have you been watching?**

**KARKAT: I'M NOT DRAWING THOSE!**

**KARKAT: YOU'RE MAKING ME DRAW THEM, STOP THAT.**

**DAVE: no way**

**DAVE: this book is now like**

**DAVE: our fight fueled ouija board of cock**

**KARKAT: ARGH... STOP!**

**KARKAT: DON'T**

**KARKAT: NO FUCK**

**KARKAT: OK NO**

**KARKAT: YOU DREW THAT ONE**

**KARKAT: YOU DREW THAT ONE!**

**KARKAT: DON'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T!**

**DAVE: are you sure man**

**DAVE: thats the spooky thing about penis ouija you can never be sure who did the dicks**

**DAVE: was it you or me or maybe a ghoooost?**

**KARKAT: FUUUUUUUCK LET GO OF ME!**

**DAVE: gimme the pen**

**KARKAT: NO**

**DAVE: yes**

**KARKAT: NO**

**DAVE: yes**

**KARKAT: FINE TAKE IT!**

**DAVE: no**

**KARKAT: WHAT?**

**DAVE: were still drawing**

**KARKAT: LET GO**

**DAVE: are you kidding this is a fucking masterpiece we have to see this through**

**KARKAT: I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THE STUPID PEN BUT YOU WON'T LET ME**

**DAVE: we are in the shit now**

**DAVE: we are motherfuckin entrenched in this bitch**

**KARKAT: YOU CRAZY FUCK**

**DAVE: were running out of room rose can you turn the page for us**

**KARKAT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**

Dave put his elbow around Karkat's neck, and the troll subsequently pushed against Dave's glasses.

**KARKAT: THIS ALTERCATION IS BECOMING UNCOMFORTABLY PHYSICAL, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.**

**DAVE: what are you talking about**

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.**

**DAVE: shut up and draw another penis**

**KARKAT: YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF ALL THIS HOSTILE TOUCHING AND GRABBING DO YOU?**

**KARKAT: I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT YOU STRIDER, JUST STEP OFF.**

**DAVE: man if you want to look at this that way then thats your business**

**DAVE: this is just an old fashioned beatdown where im from deal with it**

**KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU OLD FASHIONED GO FUCK YOURSELF? **

Karkat bashed his fist against Dave's head over and over again and held the boy's cape tightly between his teeth.

**DAVE: stop biting my cape**

**KARKAT: FUFCK NYOUF.**

Kanaya looked perplexed.

**KANAYA: Is This Something I Should Auspistize?**

Karkat pushed hard against Dave and the pair collapsed to the ground.

**KARKAT: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!**

**DAVE: shit!**

Karkat had become tangled in Dave's cape. He struggled to escape. Dave stood, Karkat stumbling to his feet. The troll still couldn't remove his head from inside the cape.

**DAVE: are you serious**

**KARKAT: FFMUFFUFFIN**

**DAVE: dude unreal**

**DAVE: you are like a cape magnet**

**DAVE: hold still **

**KARKAT: MMMMMMFFFFFUUFFMMMMUFFIN**

**DAVE: hup**

Dave grabbed the edge of his cape from off of Karkat's back and lifted the troll above his head.

He fell over backwards, Karkat falling backwards onto the table behind them in a giant suplex. A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal. One of the cups of coffee poured onto it and it vanished, as in reflex to pain.

**DAVE: BOOYEAH**

Suddenly, a voice came out of the gramophone on the table. It was Terezi's.

**TEREZI: 3V3RYBODY STOP WH4T YOUR3 DO1NG 1MM3D14T3LY!**

**TEREZI: WH4T3V3R 1T M1GHT B3**

**TEREZI: 4NOTH3R DR34M BUBBL3 1S 4PPRO4CH1NG R4P1DLY**

**TEREZI: 3V3RYON3 M4N YOUR ST4T1ONS!**

**TEREZI: BY WH1CH 1 M34N GO 4BOUT YOUR BUS1N3SS 4S USU4L 1 GU3SS**

**TEREZI: UNL3SS YOU W4NT TO M33T M3 UP H3R3 4ND CH3CK 1T OUT**

**TEREZI: OV3R! :]**

To be continued in Book 11: Nobles


	172. Book 11 Chapter 1: Ghostbusters 2 MMORPG

Eh I was bored. Early update.

-Morn

* * *

Book 11: Nobles

Chapter 1: Ghostbusters II MMORPG

End of Year 1 of the Prospitian ship's journey to the new session.

**JADE: john i really think we are scraping the bottom of the barrel here**

**JOHN: no way! this game rules.**

**JOHN: i just never gave it much playing time before because...**

**JOHN: well, i guess i always had better things to do.**

**JADE: thats sort of my point!**

**JADE: where did you even get this?**

**JOHN: years ago i found it in a store on the bargain rack.**

**JOHN: it was only a dollar! isn't that awesome?**

**JADE: :|**

John grinned and proudly showed off his Ghostbusters II MMORPG to the inhabitants of the ship. Soon enough, they were all playing as various characters in the Ghostbusters II universe. While the characters were customizable, most of the consorts had opted for the traditional look.

John and Jade sat next to each other, John in a swivel chair and Jade in a pile of squiddle dolls and manthro chaps. In front of them were two blue cakes, baked by Nannasprite for John's birthday.

**JADE: i dont really think this is my kind of game...**

**JADE: but i will play it with you today because it is technically your birthday 3**

**JOHN: yesss. you won't be disappointed.**

**JADE: how many people did you get to play this?**

**JOHN: um, i don't know.**

**JOHN: i only showed it to a few people, but i guess hundreds are playing it now?**

**JOHN: nobody is very good at it though.**

**JOHN: i keep trying to tell the salamanders and chess guys not to cross the streams, but they keep crossing the streams!**

**JOHN: just between you and me, i think a lot of them aren't very bright.**

**JADE: why cant you cross the streams?**

**JOHN: jade, please.**

**JOHN: it is just something you can't do when you're a ghost buster, because it spells big trouble. everyone knows that.**

**JADE: :p**

**JOHN: you should hurry up and make a character already, so we can get started.**

**JADE: im working on it! **

**JADE: there are so many options **

**JADE: what kind of ghostbuster should i make? **

**JOHN: just any old ghost buster! as long as he looks awesome and like he means business.**

**JADE: hmmmm **

**JOHN: i will begin organizing our squad.**

**JADE: what do you have to do? **

**JOHN: well, first we need buy an old abandoned fire station to use as a headquarters.**

**JOHN: luckily half the city is composed of abandoned fire stations that are for sale...**

**JOHN: this game is actually really stupid in a lot of ways, now that i think about it.**

**JADE: noooooooooo! **

**JOHN: hey, shut up!**

**JOHN: i take it back, it's great in every way.**

**JADE: sure john **

**JADE: whatever you say **

**JOHN: ok, now i have to find us a mission.**

**JOHN: got to hire a sassy secretary...**

**JOHN: just have to peruse this extensive palette of sarcastic red headed ladies...**

**JOHN: ok, here is a good one.**

**JOHN: then we wait for a phone call. this can take anywhere from ten seconds to several hours.**

**JADE: are you serious? **

**JOHN: but that's fine!**

**JOHN: there's lots to do in the station to kill time.**

**JOHN: like talk to slimer, and...**

**JOHN: get slimed by slimer.**

**JOHN: ok, i guess that's pretty much all there is to do.**

**JADE: what about that fire pole there? **

**JADE: cant you go down the fire pole? **

**JOHN: the fire pole is strictly decorative.**

**JADE: ... **

**JOHN: are you almost finished making your character?**

**JADE: yeah i think im done! **

**JADE: im pretty happy with him**

She had made a fox-headed ghostbuster, one eye grey and the other teal. He wore a patch on his chest that read "Harley".

**JOHN: jade.**

**JOHN: that is absolutely the shittiest ghost buster i have ever seen.**

**JADE: no way!**

**JOHN: yes.**

**JOHN: it is so yes way.**

**JADE: hes adorable, what are you even talking about?**

**JOHN: jade, i thought you were going to take this game seriously.**

**JOHN: that is not a serious ghost buster. no ghost could possibly fear that thing.**

**JADE: i dont want ghosts to be afraid of him**

**JADE: i want to make friends with some ghosts if at all possible**

**JOHN: it is not possible, ghosts are known to be cruel and mischievous.**

**JOHN: they will not want to befriend your fox man, they will only want to cover him in slime and then fly away.**

**JOHN: i really think you should consider redesigning him.**

**JADE: nope. im keeping him :p**

**JOHN: ok, well, if you want to turn our squad into a fucking joke, then that's your business.**

**JADE: shut up or ill give him a pink jumpsuit!**

**JOHN: argh!**

**JOHN: but seriously, those head swap options are for such noobs, i feel it's only fair to warn you.**

**JADE: i think i will manage to survive the embarrassment in front of a bunch of salamanders and crocodiles**

**JOHN: ok, fine.**

**JOHN: you get a pass, but only because you yourself are a furry.**

**JADE: thank you**

**JADE: *snicker***

**JOHN: what?**

**JADE: nothing**

**JOHN: is someone messaging you through the game?**

**JADE: hehe**

**JOHN: who is it?**

**JADE: pffff!**

**JOHN: dammit, jade...**

**JADE: its davesprite, hes playing too**

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: don't tell him any of our strategies. he is the enemy!**

**JADE: we have strategies?**

**JOHN: um...**

**JOHN: ok, first, tell him we have strategies. then, don't tell him them.**

**JADE: hahahahahahaha**

**JOHN: oh god.**

**JOHN: what is it now?**

**JADE: did you know...**

**JADE: davesprite is a funny guy?**

**JOHN: meh, he's alright i guess.**

**JOHN: i give most of his jokes a passing grade. sometimes as high as a solid b+!**

**JADE: i just told him you said that**

**JOHN: that's fine, he and i keep no secrets.**

**JADE: davesprite says to tell you "youre basically welcome for being born 14 years ago and 1 year ago you ungrateful douche"**

**JOHN: oh, like him taking credit for my existence isn't so old by now!**

**JOHN: hey, jade...**

**JOHN: why do you still call him davesprite?**

**JADE: um**

**JADE: because he is davesprite?**

**JOHN: i just call him dave.**

**JOHN: isn't that easier? i mean, he IS dave after all... right?**

**JADE: well yeah**

**JADE: but hes kinda different from dave**

**JOHN: pshh, he is so not different.**

**JOHN: dude is just a magical orange dave with wings! and also says caw sometimes.**

**JADE: i know**

**JADE: but there are other differences…**

**JOHN: like what?**

**JADE: its hard to explain**

**JADE: just some slight differences in personality i guess**

**JOHN: he still raps sometimes.**

**JADE: yes...**

**JADE: so?**

**JOHN: i just thought i would mention that.**

**JADE: ok i will admit i cant really tell if his rapping style has changed**

**JOHN: trust me, it hasn't.**

**JADE: i dont know if the differences are because he is a sprite**

**JADE: or because he lived for a while in a different timeline...**

**JOHN: well, weren't you a sprite before?**

**JOHN: how different did you feel then?**

**JADE: i wasnt a sprite!**

**JADE: my dead dream self was a sprite**

**JADE: and then i kind of merged with her when i became a god tier**

**JOHN: oh, right.**

**JOHN: so...**

**JOHN: half of you was a sprite.**

**JADE: i guess?**

**JADE: its more like im still the me i always was, but inherited some of her memories**

**JADE: but they are pretty vague**

**JOHN: do you remember what it was like being jade sprite?**

**JADE: i remember being dead for a long time**

**JADE: and making friends...**

**JADE: mostly trolls**

**JOHN: oh really?**

**JOHN: which ones?**

**JADE: none that we know of now**

**JADE: that i can remember at least**

**JADE: they feel like such distant memories, like they were barely real**

**JOHN: hmm.**

**JOHN: i have to admit, i am a little disappointed in the dream bubble thing.**

**JOHN: by the way you were describing it, i really thought we would dream about them on this trip more often!**

**JADE: yeah me too**

**JADE: maybe its something about this place were traveling through?**

**JOHN: i dunno.**

**JADE: when was the last time you visited one in your sleep?**

**JOHN: man...**

**JOHN: that was weeks ago, i think.**

**JADE: yeah**

**JOHN: and then, when i do dream about them, it's just kind of weird.**

**JOHN: either i'm alone in my own memory, talking to figments of my imagination...**

**JOHN: or i dream about someone we know. like a troll we have talked to, and i get excited.**

**JOHN: but then it turns out they don't know who i am! it's like a version of them that died before they ever even knew us, and it's just kind of awkward.**

**JADE: yup**

**JOHN: and i still haven't seen dave or rose AT ALL.**

**JOHN: have you? **

**JADE: nope :(**

**JOHN: yeah. **

**JOHN: i'm starting to think it's not going to happen. i wonder if we're just not sleeping at the same times? **

**JADE: i dont think thats it**

**JADE: for one thing, considering where we are, i dont think theres such a thing as "the same time" for us**

**JOHN: heh. that's true. **

**JOHN: do you think the afterlife is just fucking with us, jade?**

**JADE: maybe...**

**JADE: but its probably more like the way it used to be with the clouds in skaia**

**JADE: they didnt always show you things, but when they did they were selective about what they would let you see**

**JADE: like they would make sure you saw whatever you needed to see to make sure things would go the right way**

**JADE: i always thought i knew so much, but in retrospect they gave me only a tiny glimpse of the big picture!**

**JOHN: that is so infuriating! **

**JADE: i guess!**

**JADE: it never felt that way when all i was doing was looking up at some clouds**

**JADE: i was happy to see whatever was there**

**JADE: but i guess its different in a situation like this**

**JADE: when you miss your friends, and you kind of wish the dream bubbles would play along**

**JOHN: yeah. **

**JOHN: oh well. **

**JOHN: i guess it's only two more years.**

**JOHN: what do you think they will be like by then? **

**JOHN: do you think karkat will have driven them all insane? **

**JADE: heheh, probably!**

**JOHN: or maybe they will all be better friends with each other than they are with us. **

**JADE: hmmm**

**JADE: well look at it this way**

**JADE: by the end of our trip, will YOU be better friends with a bunch of salamanders than you are with rose and dave?**

**JOHN: i don't know. there ARE some pretty charming salamanders on this ship. **

**JADE: that is true**

**JOHN: but you know what i mean. things have a way of changing. **

**JOHN: like, have you thought at all about what it's going to be like when you see dave again? **

**JOHN: i mean, after the way things are going with you and dave sprite? **

**JADE: umm**

**JADE: what do you mean the way things are going?**

**JOHN: jade, please. **

**JADE: what!**

**JOHN: *sigh* **

**JOHN: you are not fooling anyone with your coy shenanigans. **

**JADE: what has he been telling you?**

**JOHN: nothing! do you really think he would talk about any of that with me? **

**JOHN: there are just some obvious conclusions a guy is going to make about stuff. **

**JADE: well...**

**JADE: i guess i dont know whats going on with that**

**JOHN: hm. **

**JADE: i really dont!**

**JOHN: alright, fair enough. **

**JADE: um**

**JADE: what**

**JADE: do you think he would think about that?**

**JOHN: huh? **

**JADE: the other dave**

**JADE: i mean**

**JADE: hypothetically**

**JOHN: ah HA! so you HAVE thought about it! **

**JADE: im only wondering because you brought it up!**

**JOHN: yes. yes i did. **

**JADE: then what do you think?**

**JOHN: i have no idea. we would probably never find out one way or the other, regardless. **

**JADE: maybe**

**JADE: well**

**JADE: what about you john?**

**JOHN: what about me even?**

**JADE: remember how you told me how karkat kept sort of trying to set you up with rose?**

**JOHN: yes. **

**JADE: you told me this on more than one occasion if i recall!**

**JOHN: what is your point! **

**JADE: well, i have kind of wondered to myself if you kept bringing that up because on some level you wanted that to be true...**

**JOHN: oh man. **

**JOHN: jade, listen. **

**JOHN: at this point i could not give less of a rat's ass about romancey stuff! **

**JOHN: i would rather just play some games, and chill out for several years on this magical flying boat. is that too much to ask? **

**JADE: not at all! that is perfectly fine**

**JOHN: when i catch up with our buddies, i'm sure i will give rose a nice, FRIENDLY hug. **

**JADE: aww**

**JOHN: whereas i will offer dave a tender bro embrace, and shove karkat down a flight of friendship stairs. **

**JADE: heheheheh**

**JOHN: but that is IT. **

**JOHN: it's all very complicated and bothersome, jade. **

**JADE: what?**

**JOHN: you know. matters of the heart. **

**JADE: *snicker***

**JOHN: ok, you may laugh at my choice of words, but it is true. **

**JOHN: it's really befuddling and distracting when you are on a major quest to make universes out of frogs. who even needs it? **

**JADE: i guess you have a point**

**JOHN: like... **

**JOHN: you remember that troll girl who was sort of into me? **

**JADE: mm hm**

**JOHN: well, ok. **

**JOHN: that seemed like a pretty big deal at the time! **

**JOHN: it really seemed like she liked me, but also, she was *probably* insane? **

**JOHN: like, i mean, in a trollish, murderous kind of way. **

**JADE: yikes**

**JOHN: but craziness notwithstanding, i didn't really know what to think. **

**JOHN: i guess i thought she was cool at the time. i was honestly kind of flummoxed about it. **

**JOHN: but the point is, when all was said and done, that was just some stuff that happened over one day, which was a whole year ago already. **

**JOHN: i barely even remember what we talked about. by the time we meet up, she probably won't give a shit about me at all. **

**JOHN: which, let's face it, is probably for the best. **

**JADE: ...**

**JOHN: i think we make things more meaningful in our head when they're happening than they really are. like realistically? there were probably a lot of things that went on that day that didn't mean that much. **

**JOHN: like remember how you said you thought karkat was getting this silly angry crush on you? **

**JADE: that was just my hunch**

**JOHN: yeah. **

**JOHN: i mean, do you really think after three years he is still going to have the rage hots for you? **

**JADE: i sincerely doubt it**

**JADE: at least**

**JADE: i hope not ._.**

**JOHN: i don't think even he is that crazy. **

**JOHN: anyway, my point is, who even cares about all that? **

**JOHN: romance and dating are dumb and boring. we are legendary heroes, and we have bigger fish to fry. like that smug fatass over there on the horizon. **

**JOHN: he sure looks pleased with himself. just look at him, he thinks he is the undisputed king of that mountain or something.**

**JADE: that is so outrageous**

**JOHN: follow me so we can seize the high ground against this hideous ocean dwelling marshmallow man, and steal all of his treasure. **

**JADE: after you!**

Their game was interrupted before they could go defeat any sort of demonic marshmallow man by a friendly clearing of a throat.


	173. Book 11 Chapter 2: Meenah

Chapter 2: Meenah

**JASPERSPRITE: Ahem.**

**JOHN: jaspers, holy shit, another cake?**

**JASPERSPRITE: :3**

**JOHN: but there are still all these others we haven't touched.**

**JOHN: nanna is really baking up a storm today.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Aheh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hem.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meoooooow.**

**JADE: grrr...**

**JOHN: jaspers, whoa, what are you doing?**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow meow-meow meow meow meeeooooow.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow meow-meow meow MEOW MEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOW.**

**JOHN: jaspers, no!**

**JOHN: it's fine if you want to sing me the birthday song, but for the love of god, don't MEOW it!**

**JOHN: you're going to rile her up!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Meow meow-MEOW meow meow JO-OHHHHHN.**

**JADE: grrrrrrrrrrr**

**JOHN: no jade, come on, PLEASE settle down.**

**JADE: i cant help it!**

**JADE: grrrr...**

**JADE: dammit!**

**JADE: im really not mad at him, i swear!**

**JASPERSPRITE: MEOW MEOW-MEEEOOOW MEEOOWW MEOW MEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOW.**

**JADE: WOOF!**

**JOHN: oh my god.**

John leaped and Jade, grabbing her by the shoulders and hanging on for dear life as she sprinted after the cat sprite.

**JADE: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!**

**JASPERSPRITE: Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!**

**JOHN: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!**

Jaspers ran through a wall, the cake smashing against it, and Jade used her Bec powers to appear on the other side of the wall. John's momentum flung him against the wall, into the cake, and knocked him out.

He woke up in utter darkness, stood and looked around. Not that there was anything to see. He was sleeping. Wait. What was…

He turned to see a floating pink shoe with a striped sock in it approaching his face. It bumped against him, pressed his head backwards, caused him to flail as it stepped on his head, bent him completely in half, and then leaped off his face. Dream Roxy floated on.

Suddenly, something began to come into focus. A fuschia-themed troll with eyebrow rings and a golden trident stood amidst a hazy landscape of geologic features with a blue sky.

**MEENAH: hey you**

**MEENAH: god tier boy**

**MEENAH: water you doin there blue boy**

**MEENAH: )(-EY**

**MEENAH: IM TALKING TO YOU**

John stood up from where he had fallen, glanced at Dream Roxy, who was floating nearby, then looked at the troll and pointed questioningly at himself.

**MEENAH: yes you**

**MEENAH: the dork in the pajamas**

**MEENAH: ok the OT)(-ER dork in pajamas**

**MEENAH: be all a pajama party up in here today**

**JOHN: hi.**

**JOHN: which troll are you?**

**MEENAH: which troll am i**

**MEENAH: im the best troll dummy**

**MEENAH: now get away from her she is mine**

**JOHN: uh...**

**MEENAH: ive been hunting her for a whale now**

**JOHN: for a whale?**

**JOHN: what does that mean?**

**MEENAH: its a fish pun**

**MEENAH: sayin fish puns is obviously kind of this thing i do stupid G-ET WIT)( T)(-E PROGRAM**

**JOHN: oh, right.**

**JOHN: i thought it sounded kind of... fishy!**

**MEENAH: ooooh thats a good one**

**MEENAH: not**

**MEENAH: now beat it**

**JOHN: you must be the sea troll, i heard about you.**

**JOHN: but i'm pretty sure we never talked.**

**JOHN: have you by any chance seen vriska around? or karkat?**

**MEENAH: who the fuck are they**

**JOHN: um... your troll friends?**

**MEENAH: werent no friends of mine if i never heard of em **

**MEENAH: do you see this golden pointy deal here **

**JOHN: yes.**

**MEENAH: i was gonna use it to poke some holes in that girl there and see what happens **

**MEENAH: so clamscray **

**JOHN: oh no...**

**JOHN: why would you do that!**

**MEENAH: for the halibut **

**JOHN: uh. what?**

**MEENAH: halibut hell of it **

**MEENAH: ok that one wasnt that awesome **

**MEENAH: i thought i told you to clamscray **

**JOHN: i'm not sure what clamscray means either. you mean go away?**

**MEENAH: holy mother glubbing mackerel you are a fucking idiot **

**MEENAH: well if youre not gonna go **

**MEENAH: maybe you can at least tell me somefin **

**JOHN: what?**

**MEENAH: this is the afterlife isnt it **

**MEENAH: which means **

**MEENAH: im D-EAD **

**MEENAH: right**

John looked uncertain. The troll girl's empty eyes seemed to indicate that she was, but…

**JOHN: yes. well, it's a dream bubble.**

**JOHN: so yeah, you are probably a ghost.**

**MEENAH: I KN-EW IT**

**MEENAH: hahahaha yessssss**

**JOHN: you're excited to be dead?**

**MEENAH: excited hmm**

**MEENAH: now that you mention it**

**MEENAH: yes**

**MEENAH: i am pretty**

**MEENAH: flippin**

**MEENAH: -EXCIT-ED**

**JOHN: why?**

**MEENAH: because**

**MEENAH: it means my plan worked**

**JOHN: what plan?**

**MEENAH: why would i tell a hornless dork like you somefin like that **

**JOHN: i dunno.**

**JOHN: just curious about your spooky ghost plan is all.**

**MEENAH: im curious about why a couple of freaks like you were sent to welcome me to hell **

**MEENAH: water you demons or somefin **

**MEENAH: pretty lame demons if you ask me **

**MEENAH: way too frondly and stupid **

**JOHN: no, we're humans.**

**JOHN: by which i mean aliens, i guess.**

**MEENAH: so like **

**MEENAH: youre dead aliens huh **

**MEENAH: whoever heard of an alien ghost **

**JOHN: i know, right? that's what i think sometimes.**

**JOHN: it's strange combination of sci-fi things. like alien stuff is all about science, right? at least it is in movies. aliens LOVE science. but then ghosts have nothing to do with science, they belong to the supernatural realms, which have more to do with religion i guess? or about a lot of hocus pocus and superstition, maybe even magic. science rarely enters the equation, unless it's something awesome like ghost busters, which makes ghosts and stuff ALL ABOUT science, even though the ghost science is obviously a bunch of total nonsense. i guess contact mixes aliens and ghosts because jodie foster saw her ghost dad in outer space? but then, that was probably just a science projection from an alien, to make her feel less sad about her dead dad, and not a real ghost or anything. i guess the lesson is that science and aliens teach us that ghosts and religion are fake? although, it turns out ghosts and aliens are actually real, so maybe science and religion have been lying to us all along. *shrug***

**MEENAH: nerd **

**JOHN: um.**

**JOHN: yeah, sorry.**

**MEENAH: so the girl **

**MEENAH: she like your matesprit or whatever **

**JOHN: what?**

**JOHN: ha, no, i don't even know her.**

**JOHN: i kinda thought you knew who she was?**

**MEENAH: dont know who she is but i know W)(AT she is **

**MEENAH: shes done **

**JOHN: huh?**

**MEENAH: ever do any baking nerd **

**JOHN: yeah, a little...**

**MEENAH: then you know -EXACTLY what you do with somefin thats done **

**MEENAH: you stick a fork in it**

Meenah threw her trident full-force at Roxy.

**MEENAH: S-E-E**

**JOHN: no!**

**MEENAH: better think fast suckafish **

**JOHN: snoozing mystery girl, look out!**

John pushed Dream Roxy out of the way.

**DAVE: whoa is that john**

**KARKAT: YEAH, I THINK IT IS.**

**DAVE: what the hell is going on**

**KARKAT: OH SHIT**

**KARKAT: JOHN WATCH OUT!**

The trident hit John square in the chest and he vanished.

**KARKAT: WELL, FUCK.**

**KARKAT: LOOKS LIKE HE'S STILL AN IDIOT.**

John sat up, face covered in frosting.


	174. Book 11 Chapter 3: Aranea

Chapter 3: Aranea

The trolls' meteor floated through a purple forest. In one of the trees was a treehive. Terezi stood on the top of the meteor next to a telescope, but as she looked up at her hive it slowly began to materialize around her and she realized she was in her respiteblock. Teal blood dripped from her eyes, as though she'd been recently blinded, and her glasses vanished. Someone was trolling her on her computer.

**arachnidsGrip [AG]** **began trolling ****gallowsCalibrator [GC]**

**AG: Hahahahahahahaha!**

**AG: Aaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaa... man, fuck this.**

**AG: It's a real pain in the ass typing out long victorious laughs with only one hand, you know?**

**AG: Gonna have to patch this thing up somehow. May8e I'll pay a visit to my neigh8or a little l8er.**

**AG: Getting my arm fixed nearly ought to 8e worth enduring the stench. Aw yeah. Sick 8urn from outta nowhere. Take that, Zahhak.**

**AG: Haha! NEIGH8or. I can't 8elieve I only thought of that now! I 8et he'll get kick out of that.**

**AG: I 8et you even more he won't laugh though. What a 8oring piece of shit.**

**AG: I know YOU would think it's funny though. Right Terezi?**

**AG: Man, I sure am glad this little feud of ours is 8asically over. We're totally even!**

**AG: Now we can just go 8ack to 8eing friends, and things will 8e gr8.**

**AG: Hmmmmmmmm...**

**AG: Hahahaha! You won't 8elieve this, 8ut it only occurred to me now that you won't even 8e a8le to read this!**

**AG: Even if you do somehow manage to stum8le 8ack to your hive... you're 8lind now! Whoooooooops.**

**AG: It would 8e a real shame if we couldn't 8ury the hatchet and 8e gr8 friends again 8ecause of a stupid 8ullshit reason like that.**

**AG: Oh, I know. **

**AG: May8e I'll mindjack some random chump and send him to your hive so he can read my messages to you out loud! **

**AG: What a perfect solution. He can 8e your assisted living slave. **

**AG: I would have had the perfect candid8 all lined up, 8ut he recently lost the use of his legs unfortun8ly. Oh well, I'll just roll with the punches like I always do and find someone else. **

**AG: Just say the word, and I'll make him do whatever you want! Read my awesome notes to you, hang some more plush dragons from your tree, pre-chew your food... **

**AG: Well, may8e not pre-chew it, since I didn't exactly knock your teeth out, did I? **

**AG: May8e more like pre-look-at your food, to make sure there are 8ugs in it. **

**AG: See, isn't it gr8 when we're helping each other out instead of maiming each other repeatedly? **

**AG: This is how it should 8e 8etween Scourge Sisters. All the maimings and 8acksta88ings should 8e saved for the friends and foes who get in our way, don't you think? **

**AG: Hey, what do you want to do for our next campaign, 8tw? **

**AG: We can take the next one easy. I'll try to think of something 8etter suited to your new disa8ility! **

**AG: I mean, I've ALREADY pretty much nixed anything involving stairs, 8ecause of Tavros. Lol. **

**AG: 8n't no one can say I'm not willing to meet people half way! **

**AG: Whew... **

**AG: I'm losing a lot of 8lood here. **

**AG: Good thing I seem to have a ton of the stuff. We high8loods are made of some pretty tough shit. **

**AG: What a fucking mess, though. Not really looking forward to cleaning this up. **

**AG: I've got to say, your prank was pretty good. Still not sure how you pulled it off. Pretty inconvenient though! **

**AG: It's too 8ad you're not going to get to read this for a while, if ever. We could 8e 8onding over the gr8 pranks we just pulled on each other! **

**AG: Oh well. **

**AG: Guess I'll take off. 8efore I drop dead like some kind of loser and you never get to hear from me again. **

**AG: See you around, sis. **

**GC: WOW**

**GC: 1 C4NT B3L13V3 1 4LMOST FORGOT**

**GC: WH4T 4 COMPL3T3LY CR4ZY B1TCH YOU W3R3**

**AG: Hey now! **

**AG: What kind of attitude is that to 8ring into this memory? **

**GC: OH**

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: SORRY :[**

**AG: Easy, there. **

**AG: No need to waste good remorse on such a trivial exchange. **

**AG: I am only reminding you, **

**AG: That if you 8ring too much 8aggage from the past into the memory, it is dou8tful your experience will 8e either therapeutic or cathartic. **

**GC: UH**

**GC: WH4T**

**AG: You were the one who invoked this memory after all. **

**AG: Isn't this why you are here? Is it not what you have 8een hoping for and fretting you may find since your journey 8egan? **

**AG: A chance to say you are sorry? **

**GC: VR1SK4**

**GC: YOU SOUND R34LLY D1FF3R3NT**

**GC: WH4T H4PP3N3D TO YOU OUT H3R3?**

**AG: Sorry for the ruse. **

**AG: Though it isn't as far from the truth as it possi8ly could 8e, I am not who you think I am. **

**GC: :?**

**AG: I of course needed to visit you through a memory, and interestingly, this is the one you gave me. **

**AG: No ill will or upsetting hijinks were intended. **

**GC: WHO 4R3 YOU?**

**AG: Aranea.**

**GC: OK **

**GC: 4ND? **

**AG: And I am your friend's ancestor.**

**AG: In fact, I am yours too, in a way.**

**GC: R34LLY? **

**AG: Yes. Though not quite how you are picturing.**

**AG: She had an ancestor whom she was aware of, and technically that is who I am.**

**AG: That is to say, she is who I would have 8ecome on your world, had I arrived in her place. Alas, I did not.**

**AG: She was a figure in your history who preceded you 8y thousands of solar sweeps.**

**AG: Whereas I preceded your entire civilization 8y 8illions.**

**GC: :o **

**GC: 1 DONT G3T 1T**

Suddenly, Aranea appeared in Terezi's respiteblock.

**AG: That's ok. There is plenty of time to sort it all out.**

**AG: I've 8een keeping an eye on you all for quite a while. Your whole planet, actually. It was very interesting this time around, to say the least.**

**AG: It even had a different name! "Alternia." Haha. How heavy handed can you get?**

**AG: The man responsi8le was a 8it of a wise guy. He rewrote everything. He had a knack for overzealous storytelling, which is a harmless enough ha8it usually. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes.**

**AG: 8ut it is not so harmless when the perpetrator is omniscient and omnipotent.**

**GC: OMN1SC13NT?**

**GC: YOU M34N**

**GC: MR M1LKSH4K3?**

**AG: That's right.**

**AG: 8ut he's dead now, and his story is over. The 8ook on our universe is closed, 8oth for my instance and yours.**

**AG: This 8eing the case, I thought it was the right time to introduce myself. The com8ined work of my group and yours is unfinished, and the outcome has not 8een assured.**

**AG: The true ultimate reward has yet to 8e achieved. No safe haven has 8een created that is free from the devastation caused 8y Mr. Milkshake's grand deception.**

**AG: Our race still teeters on extinction. The mem8ers of your party, and one noteworthy fugitive, are the sole survivors.**

**AG: We must work together to create that haven and restore our race, so that the sacrifices we all made will not 8e in vain.**

**AG: 8ut in order to repair the unthinka8le damage that has 8een done, we need to allow ourselves the chance to heal first.**

**AG: Old wounds, old regrets. They will serve no purpose on the rest of your journey.**

**GC: R3GR3TS**

**GC: 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG 4BOUT M3 4ND VR1SK4?**

**AG: Sure. You have to start somewhere.**

**GC: DO YOU KNOW WH3R3 SH3 1S?**

**AG: Not at the moment.**

**AG: 8ut the more time you spend here, the more likely it is you will find whomever you are looking for.**

**AG: On the other hand, if it is the unknowa8le will of the gods, you may dance around each other indefinitely as you pass through this space. It is hard to say.**

**GC: OH**

**GC: OK TH3N**

**GC: 1M NOT SUR3 WH3TH3R TO B3 R3L13V3D OR FRUSTR4T3D BY TH4T**

**AG: Well, if she had 8een dwelling in this 8u88le like you thought, what would you want to say to her?**

**AG: Surely you would not have just argued a8out the past.**

**GC: NO**

**GC: 1 ST1LL DONT KNOW WH4T 1 WOULD S4Y TO H3R**

**AG: Then what would you say to me?**

Terezi's computer disappeared and they faced each other. Aranea was wearing a blue dress with the Scorpio symbol on it, as well as a necklace with the Cancer symbol on it. She wore white-rimmed glasses and red sandals over white socks.

**GC: 1 WOULD S4Y**

**GC: 3V3N THOUGH SH3 D1D SOM3 B4D TH1NGS 4ND W4S TOT4LLY 1MPOSS1BL3 MOST OF TH3 T1M3**

**GC: 1 W1SH SH3 W4SNT D34D**

**GC: 1S 1T W31RD TO M1SS SOM3BODY WHO D1D NOTH1NG BUT C4US3 PROBL3MS?**

**AG: No. I can empathize.**

**AG: She was a serious trou8lemaker in your party. Many player groups have to deal with those.**

**AG: I feel as though we had one of the worst cases in our party. 8ut when all was said and done, she was still our friend.**

**GC: 1 K33P WOND3R1NG 1F TH3R3 W4S 4NOTH3R W4Y**

**GC: SOM3TH1NG OTH3R TH4N L3TT1NG H3R GO, OR K1LL1NG H3R**

**GC: 1 TRY TO R3M3MB3R WH4T 1 S4W WH3N 1 LOOK3D 1NTO TH3 VORT1C3S OF POSS1B1L1TY**

**GC: 4ND 1 JUST C4NT R3M3MB3R 4NYTH1NG B3S1D3S THOS3 OPT1ONS**

**GC: 3V3N 1F THOS3 OTH3R CHO1C3S WOULD H4V3 R3SULT3D 1N D34TH FOR 3V3RYON3**

**GC: W4S TH4T R34LLY 4LL 1 W4S C4P4BL3 OF?**

**GC: 31TH3R LOS1NG TH3 N3RV3 TO GO THROUGH W1TH 1T, OR ST4BB1NG H3R 1N TH3 B4CK, 4ND NOTH1NG 3LS3?**

**AG: At that moment, perhaps.**

**AG: You know very well the channels of possi8ility at that exact juncture resulted from her decision paths as well as yours.**

**AG: 8ut even so, when it comes to your key decisions, the possi8ilities are pro8a8ly fewer and more discrete than you have presumed.**

**AG: Otherwise you would not see results consolidated into those vortices, would you? Possi8ility would resem8le an enormous hazy field of infinitely su8tle variations and micro-choices.**

**AG: Imagine if at that moment you truly were capa8le of anything, no matter how outlandish, a8surd, or patently fruitless. How would this vast amount of information present itself to you through your senses? What difference would it make in your final decision if all other tri8utaries of whim spilled into the same decaying future? And what would this make of your agency as a hero meant to learn and grow?**

**AG: Look at it this way. Imagine that over the course of someone's life, they are truly capa8le of every conceiva8le action at any moment, and did indeed take each of those actions in different 8ranching realities. Doesn't a scenario like that deaden a person's agency just as much as one where their fate is decidedly etched in stone as a single path of unavoida8le decisions? Who exactly is that person who can and does take all conceiva8le actions, other than someone perfectly generic, who only appears to have unique predilections and motives when you examine the ar8itrary path they happen to occupy?**

**GC: UM**

**GC: 1 DONT KNOW**

**AG: Pardon the esoteric tangent. These are my instincts as a Hero of Light kicking in. It's hard for us to resist prattling on a8out matters like this.**

**GC: OH GOD**

**GC: L1K3 ROS3**

**GC: Y34H SH3 N3V3R SHUTS UP 4BOUT 1T**

**GC: NO OFF3NS3 :]**

**AG: ::::)**

**AG: You may seek to understand your decisions and look for justice in their consequences. You may wonder why honora8le choices from the innocent are punished 8y 8anishment to a timeline in which everyone dies and all is gradually dissolved.**

**AG: It helps to understand your role, not just as a hero who must overcome, 8ut as a single capillary within a much larger 8ioexistential system.**

**AG: Think of it like circulatory system, where the veins and capillaries that do not help the overall flow of 8lood through the system are likely to wither and die. Those are doomed offshoots.**

**AG: Reality itself is using you and many others to propagate its own existence. Strictly speaking, there is only one path to its successful propagation. 8ut it still permits you to make choices. Not all that are conceiva8le, 8ut some nevertheless, as dictated 8y who you are and the challenges you face. And you are free to make key decisions however you like, as long as you understand that some of these paths unfairly or not will lead to o8livion. 8ecause those choices do not contri8ute constructively to the perpetuation of all existence, including your own.**

**AG: Such is the 8urden assumed 8y anyone who plays this game.**

Suddenly, they were outside next to a hanging Senator Lemonsnout. They began to walk down a long, winding tree branch.

**GC: Y34H**

**GC: 1 GU3SS 1 UND3RSTOOD SOM3 OF TH4T, BUT N3V3R QU1T3 PUT 1T 4LL TOG3TH3R TH4T W4Y**

**GC: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 W4S 4 GR34T S33R OF M1ND**

**AG: Well, you aren't finished 8eing one, are you?**

**GC: M3H**

**GC: 1 DONT TH1NK OF MYS3LF TH4T W4Y 4NYMOR3**

**GC: 1 US3D TO F33L L1K3 SOM3 PR3TTY HOT SH1T!**

**GC: D1R3CT1NG B4TTL3 TR4FF1C 4G41NST TH3 K1NG, 4ND 4LL FL1PP1NG CO1NS 1N P3OPL3S F4C3S 4ND STUFF**

**GC: 1T S33MS S1LLY NOW. 1 DONT TH1NK 1 3V3R KN3W WH4T 1 W4S DO1NG**

**GC: WH3N 1 CONFRONT3D H3R, 4ND 1T W4S T1M3 TO M4K3 UP MY M1ND**

**GC: 1 THOUGHT 1 H4D 1T 4LL F1GUR3D OUT, L1K3 TH1S W4S WH4T 1 H4D TO DO. NOT JUST TO S4V3 3V3RYBODY, BUT 4S SOM3 STUP1D R1T3 OF P4SS4G3 OR SOM3TH1NG?**

**GC: TH3N 1T C4M3 T1M3 TO DO 1T, 4ND 1T W4S 4LL H4PP3N1NG SO F4ST...**

**GC: 4ND 1 FORC3D MY OWN H4ND. 1 COULD 31TH3R L3T 3V3RYON3 D13 1N ON3 R34L1TY, OR K1LL 4 FR13ND 1N 4NOTH3R**

**GC: 4ND 1 T3LL MYS3LF THOS3 W3R3 TH3 ONLY TWO VORT1C3S 1 S4W...**

**GC: BUT TH3N, 1 W4S TH3 ON3 WHO M4D3 TH3 S3R13S OF D3C1S1ONS WH1CH L3D UP TO TH4T CHO1C3, 4ND COMPL3T3LY P41NT3D TH3 OPT1ONS 1NTO TH4T CORN3R**

**GC: 4NYW4Y**

**GC: 1 JUST W1SH 1 COULD T3LL H3R TH4T**

**AG: Which one would you tell it to?**

**GC: HUH?**

**AG: The one who fought with Noir, or the one who didn't?**

**GC: OH**

**GC: 1 M34N**

**GC: 1 GU3SS 31TH3R?**

**GC: BUT 1 W4S TH1NK1NG MOR3 4BOUT TH3 ON3 WHOS3 D34TH 1M 4CTU4LLY R3SPONS1BL3 FOR**

**AG: Ah. **

**AG: Well, this could either 8e my experience as an ancient ghost talking, or the perspective I am naturally given to as a Light player, **

**AG: 8ut aren't you equally responsi8le for 8oth? **

**GC: :\**

**GC: 1 GU3SS**

**AG: I can see why you would feel more responsi8ility for one than the other. **

**AG: My perspective is informed 8y my class and aspect. It was to my advantage as a healer to see things a little differently. To find equanimity across many different outcomes. **

**GC: OH?**

**AG: There's more to the realization of our roles than gaining flashy powers. **

**AG: And there's more to healing than repairing 8attle damage. **

**AG: You killed a friend and you understanda8ly feel regret. **

**AG: 8ut it's done. She is gone and you are still here. **

**AG: Now what? **

**GC: …**

**AG: You could look for a8solution through rationalization. Everyone would have died if you didn't take action, so why trou8le yourself with guilty emotion?**

**AG: 8ut there is no real healing power in 8elieving that. And I don't think it's what you wanted to tell yourself anyway, is it?**

**GC: NOT R34LLY **

**AG: Or what a8out through renunciation of responsi8ility? If you were just a tool used 8y reality to perpetuate itself, where is the 8lame?**

**AG: 8ut that would 8e another empty idea that has no power to heal.**

**GC: Y34H **

**GC: 1V3 TR13D R4T1ON4L1Z1NG STUFF TH4T W4Y **

**GC: DO3SNT R34LLY H3LP **

**AG: You've 8een lead to 8elieve such acts of violence are natural for your kind, and that if you're upset 8y the consequences then something is wrong with you.**

**AG: 8ut it isn't as natural as you might think. That conditioning was a part of Milkshake's long con.**

**AG: Violence was respected and cele8rated on your world, 8ut remorse was rarely felt and pain could never heal due to such empty justifications. We died out a wounded race, and you are all that's left.**

**AG: The process of healing first involves sifting through what it isn't, which happens to 8e almost everything your trou8led mind has to offer.**

**GC: TH3N WH4T DO 1 DO? **

**GC: WH4TS TH3 4NSW3R? **

**AG: There isn't one.**

**AG: It takes time, and is only accelerated 8y looking at things honestly. **

**AG: This is what I did as a Sylph of Light. Helped people see things. **

**AG: I could even perform the feat literally, if you wanted. **

**GC: WHO4 WH4T?**

**AG: It's up to you of course.**


	175. Book 11 Chapter 4: DOTA

Chapter 4: DOTA

Aranea changed into her god tier robes. They were orange with blue fairy wings, much the same as Vriska's had been. She held up her hand, which began to glow with power, and looked at Terezi inquisitively.

**GC: HMM**

**GC: TH4NKS FOR 4SK1NG**

**GC: BUT 1D R4TH3R JUST ST4Y TH1S W4Y**

**GC: L34RN1NG TO S3NS3 TH1NGS TH1S W4Y W4S TH3 ONLY CONN3CT1ON 1 3V3R H4D W1TH MY LUSUS B3FOR3 SH3 D13D**

**GC: 1T R3M1NDS M3 OF H3R**

**GC: TH4T PROB4BLY SOUNDS DUMB THOUGH**

**AG: Not at all. That's a very good reason. **

**AG: I thought the polite thing to do was at least offer.**

They continued walking down the tree branch, which had winded through LOTAF and was now winding past Alternia's green moon.

**GC: 1TS COOL TH4T YOU W4NT TO H3LP H34L M3 4ND 4LL**

**GC: BUT**

**GC: 1 ST1LL DONT R34LLY KNOW 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT YOU**

**GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T YOU S33M L1K3 SOM3 SORT OF MUCH N1C3R VR1SK4**

**GC: WH3R3 W3R3 YOU FROM 4G41N? 4LT3RN14 B3FOR3 V4N1LL4 M1LKSH4K3 N4M3D 1T TH4T?**

**AG: Yes. 8ut in a different universe instance, I often refer to as A1. The shorthand helps avoid confusion, trust me.**

**AG: My group of twelve played the game, 8ut failed. It overwhelmed us. A lot went wrong. The reckoning destroyed our 8attlefield well 8efore we had any hope of winning.**

**AG: I sought advice from Echidna, and she told me how to scratch the session to give us another chance.**

**AG: 8ut the choice to do so came with accepting the annihilation of our existing forms. In the new instance, we would lead completely different lives with no memory of what happened.**

**AG: So we did, and created A2. Your instance, your world, and your game in which we were all inexplica8ly created in the first place.**

**AG: As I said, this time around the world was... interesting.**

**GC: TH4T'S WH3N TROLLS B3C4M3 T3RR1BL3?**

**AG: Not all of you.**

**AG: Some had lessons from the old world to teach others. 8ut few ever heard them.**

**GC: SO 1N YOUR T1M3, 3V3RYON3 W4S 4S N1C3 4S YOU?**

**AG: Not exactly. 8ut life was pretty mild and uneventful.**

**AG: I'm not even sure if I was especially nice, 8y our standards.**

**AG: Mostly kind of 8oring.**

**AG: No8ody from my party liked me a whole lot.**

**AG: I think I talked too much, and had a ha8it of 8ringing conversations 8ack around to myself.**

**AG: Not that it matters anymore, 8ut it was not the 8est way to make friends.**

**GC: H3H3H3H3. YOU R34LLY 4R3 L1K3 4 N1C3 VR1SK4**

**GC: 1 DUNNO, 1 W4S FR13NDS W1TH H3R 4ND SH3 D1D 4LMOST NOTH1NG BUT T4LK 4BOUT H3RS3LF**

**GC: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOU 4ND 1 WOULD H4V3 B33N GOOD FR13NDS TOO!**

**AG: Thanks!**

**AG: It goes to show, just 8ecause your race is peaceful doesn't mean you don't have pro8lems.**

**AG: I used to fantasize a8out 8eing someone really outgoing and dramatic.**

**AG: Someone who had the confidence do whatever she wanted, like go on the most outrageous adventures without caring what anyone thought a8out her.**

**AG: Like someone from a 8ook, you know?**

**GC: Y3S!**

**GC: 1 US3D TO TH1NK 4BOUT TH4T 4 LOT TOO :]**

**AG: It turned out I actually got what I wanted after the reset. Unfortunately it came along with our people's enslavement and near extinction.**

**AG: Not that I really got to live as her, exactly. 8ut at least I got a chance to follow her life. And it was a very long life.**

**AG: 8eing here for ages has its 8enefits.**

**GC: 3X4CTLY HOW LONG H4V3 YOU 4LL B33N L1V1NG 1N DR34M BUBBL3S?**

**GC: OR 1 M34N...**

**GC: NOT L1V1NG**

**AG: It has 8een a very long time. **

**AG: So long, time has 8een stripped of the meaning it never really had in the first place. **

**AG: It doesn't really pass in the same way it does when you're alive. Concepts like "now" and "how long" are figures of speech used to make communication simpler. **

**AG: I've quit trying to give expression to the elusive temporal properties of this place. It's easier staying conversational. **

**AG: 8ut I will say that 8eing here "for so long" lends itself to a certain detachment from what you see. Otherwise, monitoring the atrocities stemming from our failure wouldn't 8e much fun. **

**GC: DO YOU M1SS YOUR WORLD 4S MUCH 4S 1 DO?**

**AG: Yes, sometimes. **

**AG: 8ut missing it usually invites memories of home to serve as the stage. **

**AG: Not that it's a su8stitute for the previous reality. 8ut the reminders of home are everywhere. **

**GC: WH4T 4BOUT YOUR FR13NDS? 1 GU3SS YOU ST1LL G3T TO H4NG OUT W1TH TH3M 4LL?**

**AG: Yes. I see them often enough. **

**AG: Except for one, whom I haven't seen at all since 8efore we all died. **

**AG: In fact, she's the only reason we are here in the first place, as opposed to merely ceasing to exist upon the scratch. **

**AG: In life, she was the only one I would have called a close friend, in a way. **

**AG: The thing is, no8ody liked her much either. We had that in common. ::::) **

**GC: WOW, 1TS B33N TH4T LONG S1NC3 YOU S4W H3R?**

**AG: Remem8er how I said the gods could keep you dancing around someone you're looking for indefinitely? **

**GC: Y34H BUT...**

**GC: B1LL1ONS OF SW33PS?**

**AG: Well, "8illions," yes. In a manner of speaking. **

**GC: 1S SH3 BY 4NY CH4NC3 TH3 TROUBL3M4K3R YOU W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT?**

**AG: That's right. In fact, we are on our way to visit her now. **

**GC: OH**

**GC: SO TH4TS WH3R3 TH1S BR4NCH 1S T4K1NG US!**

**AG: Notice the moon up there? **

**AG: And not the larger green interloper. That one never 8elonged to my world. It is your memory, not mine. **

**GC: Y34H TH3 CUT3 L1TTL3 BUBBL3GUM MOONS! TH4TS WH3R3 SH3 1S?**

**AG: It's the setting of the memory she entered. **

**AG: From her perspective, she has just arrived here. **

**AG: Your friends should 8e joining us too, 8efore your meteor clears the 8u88le. **

**AG: May8e together we can 8ring the Thief of Life up to speed.**

The dream bubble floated past various Horrorterrors, and following close behind were two fighting dog carapacians. The Peregrine Mendicant brought her sword down hard on Bec Noir's and both of them glowed with green first guardian energy.

Lord English slapped Ms. Paint backwards with his cane, and she slid backwards across the ground.

Hussie, who had grown concerned about Ms. Paint's absense, peeked his head around the corner, only to see the huge green leader of The Felt turn back around to face him.

"Oh SHIT," he said, and quickly retracted his head. Had English seen him? "How can he be here already? _Why did I not see this coming?_"

He rested his head in his hands. "The dude is always already here. When it comes to being here, already is practically all he ever is. Ok, time to stop babbling and think. Think, imagination! Argh, the one time I really need you!"

He gasped and ran into the room he was keeping the partially robotic member of the Midnight Crew. "Oh, Slick! Slick, he's come here to finish you off! We have got to hide you somewhere. Now that Rufio is gone, you are my only friend."

He turned quickly, breathlessly, to look at the white horse butler. "Oh, you're good company too, humanimal butler who may or may not be named Aurthour. I didn't mean nothin' by it. What's that, Slick? Oh yeah, Ms. Paint too of course. That's a little different. Hey! What do you mean 'so what's her story, is she available?' No, she is not available! And just what do you mean by _that_? No, she will not be available 'soon' either.

"Hey, get back in bed. I'm trying to save your ass here." Slick had been trying to get up, but Hussie pushed him down. Slick stabbed him repeatedly in the stomach. "Go ahead, stab all you want. Like your stupid curmudgeonly shankings aren't so totally played out already.

"Shh… oh my god, the footsteps. That horrible peg leg on my hardwood floors. He's coming… No time to lose, we have to get you out of here!" He pushed the bed away from where Lord English was coming from, eventually arriving on his balcony. "HUP." He flipped the table over, sending Slick and the bed flying into the water below with a loud "SPOOSH".

"Now, if I can just go grab Ms. Paint and sneak out the back door before it's too… are you kidding me? he's already here _again_? Talk about a one trick pony. Fine." He pulled out Doc Scratch's revolver and pointed it at Lord English. "We settle this now.

"What's that, English? You look nervous. Could it be you weren't expecting me to know your only vulnerability? You have underestimated my omniscience almost as badly as I overestimate it as a matter of daily routine. Your reign of terror comes to an end here, on this balcony overlooking an enchanted cliffscape host to innumerable gorgeous stallions. How ironic, that your very demise would be in the proximity of some horses. What? You didn't follow that? Just think it over. Think it over…

"WHILE YOU DIE SHIT SHIT SHIT, OH SHIT. FUCK. SHIT SHIT FUCK. I FORGOT. What kind of fucking idiot keeps his deudly white magnum loaded with only one tiny cueball? God damn you, Scratch."

He threw the handgun and it bonked Lord English in the face, then slid down and fell to the ground. English's cane transformed into a massive gun with a green sun laser pointer. The pointer pointed directly at Hussie's heart.

"Ok, that gun looks super deudly. Way deudlier than the one I just threw at you, and I am probably screwed. But there is one thing you probably _weren't_ counting on, and that thing is magic being _real_." Hussie pulled a small white wand out of his cosplay coat. "God I hope magic is real…

"Please let magic be real, please let magic be real, please let magic be real. I believe that magic is real right now. I believe so hard in its reality that it is becoming slightly less fake before our very eyes. I believe its fakeness was just a lie coughed up from a dark magician's spurious asshole. I believe in fairies. I believe dragons aren't bullshit. I believe heartily in the giggles of all the cherubs in heaven and the metric tonnes of special stardust they consume each day to fuel their laughter. I believe with the conviction of a million frothing zealots in the combined pranks of a billion leprechauns strong, and in the tiny erections they get from playing them. But most of all, I believe in YOU, Rufio. I BELIEVE IN YOU."

Hussie's hand shook with fear. "Aw fuck who am I kidding magic is fake as shit."

And with a "BRAKABRAKABRAKABRAKA," Lord English shot the author of Homestuck full of holes. "I failed you Rufio. I failed you."

Hussie fell to one knee, blood pouring out of him in copious amounts, made a little choking sound, held his wand up, and then fell backwards. He dropped the wand and the little troll horn headband he was wearing fell off.

Hussie was dead.

Vriska walked across a sandy landscape covered in random crags and horses, her feet leaving footprints in the sand. One of the horses came up to her and nuzzled her face. She turned away and continued walking over a dune, one foot in front of the other, hands jammed in her pockets.

She arrived at a giant monument of two stone salamanders looking at each other. An orange-skinned man with a green shirt lay at its base.

"Will…" he whispered. He propped himself up on one elbow to the side. "You…"

He looked at Vriska and held a gold ring up. "Marry me?"

End of Year 3 of Homestuck.


	176. Book 11 Chapter 5: Troll Genetics

Chapter 5: Troll Genetics

Phew. *wipes sweat from brow* my have we come a long way. Eleven books!? Well, excluding the Doc Scratch thing hehehe… *sighs nostalgically* Remember back when Hussie was trying to stay awake with 5 hour energy? That was so long ago, geez. And now he's dead.

That gives me control of the metanarrative, I guess. Complete control. Currently, I'm sitting in Scratch's apartment, eating a bowl of scottie dogs compulsively, shoving licorice animal after licorice animal into… ANYWAY. How would y'all like to hear my headcanon of troll genetics while we wait? Because the interesting thing about my omniscience is that I'm only omniscient about whatever Hussie has told me indirectly. I know what's going to happen in the rest of the story, including where Lil' Cal came from and how the Final Showdown goes down ;) but troll reproduction and genetics are never explained. So guess what? I'm going to be self-indulgent here, break the narrative altogether, and introduce you to my little theory.

Troll Genetics

_By: Morn_

Chromosomes and Mitosis

A normal troll, without any genetic defects, will have four of each chromosome, one from each parent and two from a mother grub. There are precisely 26 chromosome types, 25 autosomes and 1 sex chromosome type, which make up a troll's DNA. Thus, there are 104 chromosomes found within the nucleus of a somatic cell.

Each homologous autosome contains hundreds of genes that control characters ranging from horn shape to foot size. Due to the existence of four different homologous chromosomes per type, there are four alleles that code for a specific character, some of which are dominant, some of which are recessive, and some of which are control alleles.

There are three stages of the cell cycle in trolls: G, S, and M. G is the growth phase, during which the cell grows and carries out normal functions. S phase is the synthesis phase, during which the nucleus doubles in size and the DNA is duplicated such that sister chromatids are formed. M phase is the phase during which the cell divides. It is during this period that the chromosomes line up along the metaphase plate and the sister chromatids split apart such that one from each chromosome ends up in each daughter cell. This is essentially identical to the cell cycle of a human, apart from the fact that there is only one growth phase rather than two.

Roles of Biological Gender in Troll Society

There are three variations of the male gender (more on these variations in a later section), one of which is due to a genetic mutation called Dual X Chromosomy or DXC for short. Similarly, there are three variations of the female gender, one of which is due to DXC. There is also a chance that a troll with DXC will be hatched without a specific gender assignment. In addition to these 2-3 main genders, there are also Mother Grubs and Imperial Drones.

The difference between the main genders is rather minimal. Males, due to higher levels of testosterone, tend towards aggression, although many females can be equally violent. Males also tend to have a more pronounced, almost square-like jawline, and have a different set of natural pheromones than females. Both genders have breast-like protrusions on their chests. These, however, are not in any way equivalent to the human female secondary sex characters and exist only because the gene that codes for them is found on the X chromosome. This gene is activated by high levels of the hormones oxytocin and diexisin, which Mother Grubs have plenty of. Other than these, however, there are no physical differences between male and female trolls, which does lead to some uncertainty of gender and various non-binary identities within progressive communities.

Mother Grubs are monstrosities crucial to the life cycle of trolls. They are the result of a special type of lusus egg known as a matriorb fertilized with special DNA kept in large storage tanks underground. Rather than have the standard 104 chromosomes that a normal troll has, a Mother Grub has 103. This will be explained more in-depth in a later section. Precisely what a Mother Grub does (and Imperial Drones) will be explained in the next section.

Reproduction

There are two types of sexual relationships that a troll may have. There is a matespritship, akin to a human sexual relationship, and a kismesissitude, which is derived from sexual tension built off of feelings of deep loathing. When a troll is of age, every so often an Imperial Drone will come to collect genetic material from a couple to take to the Mother Grub. If a troll has not mated yet, they are culled because they have nothing to contribute to society. There is no difference between matesprit pairings and kismesissitude pairings at all, either genetically or to appease Imperial Drones.

Sex for trolls occurs through genital friction that leads to a release of acion, a white fluid containing Acozoids, which are small packets of DNA that contain exactly 26 chromosomes (one of each autosome and one sex chromosome). These Acozoids are stored in a container of some sort, traditionally a bucket or pail, and then given to Imperial Drones when sought for. Self-stimulation, or masturbation, is a pleasurable act that mimics sex but does not trigger the release of Acozoids due to an inability of a troll to self-penetrate.

All main gender trolls, whether they are male, female, or agender, have the same gentalia, which consist of an extruding, convex organ known as a drunnit (colloquially called a "bone bulge" or just "bulge") and a concave organ known as a traix (colloquially called a "bone nook" or just "nook"). During sex, one partner will insert their drunnit into another's traix and proceed to create friction until an orgasm of the partner being penetrated. During orgasm, a signal is sent to a small flap called a nith (colloquially known as a "seedflap") in the back of the traix, releasing Acozoids triggered to be created via meiosis during the act itself. Thus, if traixial orgasm is not reached, buildup of acion can cause health problems for the affected troll. Once one partner has released acion into the container, they will switch roles until a traixial orgasm is reached in the other partner, causing them to release their genetic material as well.

Once the Imperial Drones have poured the contents of the filial containers into their own filial pails, they return to the Mother Grub with all of the genetic material from that round of DNA collection. The Mother Grub then combines the material with its eggs, carrying them for a short period of time before going to a different brooding cavern to lay them. During the combination, all of the DNA from that collection round gets mixed together, regardless of matesprit/kismesis pairings (why the grubs are genetically more similar to their "parents" than to other random trolls will be explained in a later section). When the grubs hatch, they must undergo a series of trials while attempting to climb to the planet's surface. Upon passing these trials, they are chosen by a lusus guardian and told to design a hive to live in as they grow up. Upon maturity, they must seek out a matesprit or kismesis, and the whole cycle begins again.

The Chromosomal Basis of Gender

There are three types of sex chromosomes and they are referred to as X, Y, and Z. X is a control chromosome, Y is a "male" chromosome, and Z is a "female" chromosome. All trolls (yes, there are exceptions caused by genetic defects such as DXC, but that will be discussed in the next section. For now, let's say all trolls for sake of simplicity) have a single X chromosome and then three Y's and Z's. This does not mean three of each sex chromosome type; rather, it means that there are three chromosomes altogether, some combination of Y's and Z's. Thus, there are four possible combinations of the sex chromosomes: XYYY, XYYZ, XYZZ, and XZZZ (in standard chromosomal notation, X's are denoted before Y's, which are denoted before Z's). A majority of Y chromosomes designates a grub's gender as male, whereas a majority of Z designates gender as female. XYYY produces a Triple-Y male, XYYZ produces a Double-Y male, XYZZ produces a Double-Z female, and XZZZ produces a Triple-Z female.

A Mother Grub has precisely 103 chromosomes in one cell. It has 25 autosome sets of 4, but only three sex chromosomes: XYZ. An Acozoid from a main gender parent contains 25 autosomes and one sex chromosome, one of the last three in standard chromosomal notation (e.g. the YYZ in XYYZ). The Acozoid pairing possibilities are, therefore: YY, YZ, and ZZ. Sex chromosomes are strictly inherited from the two dominant parents, and cannot be inherited from random other trolls like autosomes can. During the production of grub eggs, the Mother Grub takes whatever material the parents provide from the filial pails and donates (in addition to two homologous chromosomes of each autosome type) an X chromosome as well as either a Y or Z.

As an example, let's imagine a Triple-Y male mating with a Triple-Z female. The Triple-Y male (XYYY) can only donate a Y, as they must donate one of the last three sex chromosomes and they are all the same. By the same reasoning, the Triple-Z female (XZZZ) can only donate a Z. So any child of these two trolls will have the chromosome combination XY_Z, where the blank is either an X or Y from the Mother Grub.

Suppose all main-gendered trolls were wiped out by some cosmic event, for example the Vast Glub, except for some reason all Triple-Y males survived along with the Mother Grub and Imperial Drones. This does not, then, mean the end of the race. Because trolls are pansexual (historically, the race was considered bisexual, but it has been found that trolls can also be attracted to agendered trolls as well as trolls who identify as non-gender-binary), and because of their hermaphroditic nature, the survivors will interbreed and produce yet another generation. It also does not mean the end of females. Although the only Acozoid pairing possibility derived from a mating between two Triple-Y males is YY, the Mother Grub has a 50% chance of donating a Z to the offspring. Thus, half of the next generation will be Triple-Y males and the other half will be Double-Y males. Double-Y males have the ability to donate the Z chromosome, so if two Double-Y males mate and each donate a Z, their child will inevitably be female. By the same logic, this entire almost-extinction scenario can be fixed as well if only Triple-Z females survive.

DXC and Amadrexosomy

Sometimes (approximately 5% of the time), one of the main-gendered parents will accidently donate an X instead of a Y or Z. This leads to the three following chromosome combinations: XXYY, XXYZ, and XXZZ. In most cases, a grub hatched with one of these chromosome combinations survives, but can have mental and/or physical handicaps. This condition is called Dual X Chromosomy or DXC and was briefly mentioned in an earlier section as a third variation of either a male or female gender. A troll with the chromosome combination XXYY is still considered male because they have more Y chromosomes than Z chromosomes, but the two X chromosomes can be dangerous. The X chromosome is what codes for production of oxytocin and diexisin. The dual existence of diexisin and testosterone in an individual is chaotic and highly impractical, while the dual existence of diexisin and estrogen is fairly harmonious. This leads the rate of survival of XXZZ trolls being higher than that of XXYY trolls. XXYZ trolls, on the other hand, do not have a defined gender simply because they have the same number of Y and Z chromosomes.

In about .25% of individuals (5% of cases of DXC), both parents will donate an X in addition to the Mother Grub, creating an individual with three X chromosomes. However, while two X chromosomes instigates mental retardation and other highly devastating conditions, three X chromosomes create even more complex syndromes that trolls cannot live with. Not a single Triple-X individual has ever survived to leave the brooding caverns.

There are also cases where the Mother Grub accidentally donates a Y and a Z rather than an X and a second chromosome. No troll can live without an X chromosome, and, in fact, the egg will not even be fertilized properly to begin growing into a fetus. However, this defect does show up when a main-gendered parent donates an X, as in DXC. Indeed, an X from a main-gendered parent, a Y and a Z from the Mother Grub, and either a Y or Z from the second parent creates a normal chromosome combination: XY_Z, where the blank is whatever is donated by the second parent. While this is a rare case, the fact that a troll received their X chromosome from a parent rather than from the Mother Grub does not matter at all. It is called an Amadrexosomy and is often considered a point of pride.

Finally, there are even rarer cases where an Amadrexosomy is coupled with the second parent also accidentally donating an X, creating a DXC defect where neither of the X's came from the Mother Grub. Again, this has no negative effects on the troll other than the standard burden that comes with being an individual with DXC.

Imperial Drones

Dronism is a sex-linked genetic disorder that occurs when the Mother Grub only donates an X chromosome and the parents donate Y's and Z's normally, creating the chromosome combinations XYY, XYZ, and XZZ. While more rare than trolls with DXC, drones live for extended periods of time as the protectorates of a Mother Grub, fulfilling its every need. To a certain capacity, a Mother Grub is a special case of a drone, having the chromosome combination XYZ as well as a matriorb base that the DNA is encased in.

There are three main types of drones. There are filial drones, which collect genetic material from matesprit and kismesis pairs. There are culling drones, which carry specific culling tools and weapons designed to make death as painful as possible. Finally, there are carpenter droids, which lusii command to build hives for young trolls just emerging from the brooding caverns.

Contrary to popular belief, His Honorable Tyranny is not related to Imperial Drones. His Honorable Tyranny is, in fact, the last surviving member of the species _Lusus Furvusus_, hence his black blood color.

Hormones Released During Orgasm

The pleasurability of sex is actually key in understanding gene dominance. It also helps explain why stronger matesprit/kismesis pairings lead to more dominance in the genetic sorting (or lack thereof) performed by the Mother Grub. On its most basic level, there are two types of orgasm: drunnital orgasm and traixial orgasm. Both serve important roles psychologically, but only one type truly affects the outcome of the mating.

Drunnital orgasm triggers the release of oxytocin in the hypothalamus of the brain. This allows for bonding between the two mating individuals as well as a greater sense of overall happiness. It also triggers a massive-scale production of a protein called binisine, which comes into play only after genetic material has been released by both partners.

Traixial orgasm, on the other hand, is what affects the outcome. Leading up to the release of acion, as the drunnit rubs against the Acozoid-producing glands just above the nith, meiosis occurs rapidly and a hormone called oxycytosin is produced in large numbers. The better the bond between partners, the more pleasurable the sex and the more oxycytosin is produced. Oxycytosin seperates dominant and recessive alleles along the metaphase plate during meiosis, which will be explained in the next section.

Meiosis

When the drunnit stimulates the traix, this prompts meiosis to begin. There are three phases of meiosis in trolls: meiosis 1, 2, and 3. The glands that secrete Acozoids contain many cells that already have gone through S phase and now contain 104 double chromosomes, each with two sister chromatids. During meiosis 1, the chromosomes line up along the metaphase plate in pairs of homologous chromosomes (which two homologous chromosomes of the four per pair is completely random) and split apart into 52 chromosomes in each new cell. They then, in meiosis 2, line up once again in the same way, homologous chromosomes across from each other along the metaphase plate. Once again, they split into 26 chromosomes in each new cell. In meiosis 3, they line up along a third metaphase plate with one sister chromatid on each side, and split apart into single chromosomes. When a sufficient number of these post-meiosis cells have accumulated behind the nith, traixial orgasm occurs and genetic material pours into the filial pail.

Oxycytosin comes into play during meiosis 1 and 2. Essentially what it does is weight crossing over of corresponding alleles towards dominant on one homologous chromosome and recessive on the other, such that one homologous chromosome becomes mostly dominant and the other becomes mostly recessive. The more oxycytosin released leading up to traixial orgasm, the greater this differentiation is.

Once both partners have experienced traixial orgasm and the genetic material combines in the bucket in use, the Acozoids from each partner recognize the Acozoids of the other partner as genetically dissimilar, and fuse with one another to form a Double-Acozoid, which is later used to fertilize a grub egg and produce an embryo.

Effects of Penetrative Order and Gene Dominance

The penetrative order of the two partners is what is in play when gene dominance in seen in grubs. When the genetic material of the main-gender parents is taken to the mother grub, it is combined through a slurry of genetic material, sometimes causing entire portions of an Double-Acozoid's genetic material to swap with another. This is why grubs cannot truly know who their parents were; they are a combination of many different parents.

Swapping of material between Double-Acozoids, also known as grubcrossing, is facilitated by a protein called divercisine, which acts as a sort of caliper, taking large portions of usually multiple genes out of chromosomes and swaps them with the corresponding genes in the other parent's chromosome.

In order to prevent completely random genetic material to end up consolidated in a grub, a technique known as Binisinal Gene Connection (BGC for short) was evolved. Contrary to what the name would lead most to believe, BGC does not actually _connect_ anything. Binisine, sometimes considered the opposite of divercisine, is a protein released from binitic glands during drunittal orgasm, which builds up behind the nith. In the pail, binisine "hugs" certain genes together in chromosomes, as well as chromosomes together, causing them to be less likely to be grubcrossed with other parents' chromosomes during mother grub fertilization. The more binisine and divercisine released by the parents, the more accurately the chromosomes in the bucket will represent both parents evenly and be packed together such that they cannot be easily separated during fertilization.

Because drunnital orgasm happens before traixial orgasm in only one of the parents, only this parent will release binisine into the bucket. Because of the nature of binisine, much of this parent's DNA congeals prior to the formation of Double-Acozoids. Trolls who tend to be more dominant, therefore, penetrate the submissive partner first, causing binisine build-up behind their nith. They then release it into a pail when they experience traixial orgasm, causing…

Wait. What time is it…? HOLY FUCK I BETTER HURRY BEFORE NEXT UPDATE DAY I STILL HAVE TO WRITE ALL OF ACT 6 ACT 3 APOWISJNVEWLKAGJNVPOEIWTPAOIWUEP OQIWFJADVALKNLKAJEPOWEIRGHL *runs back to desk, legs flailing dramatically*

Okay okay okay. Homestuck. Act 6. Um. Ah yes. Jane. Dear, sweet, precious Jane. We were all waiting to see what happened to her after she entered the session. I suppose it's time for that, then.


	177. AN (Update Schedule through Game Over)

My sincerest apologies everyone, but I will be taking a brief hiatus while I work on Act 6 Act 3. Writing the troll genetics headcanon really took up way too much time, and in addition, transcribing the LOCAH walk-around flash has been... interesting. We start regular updates, one chapter a day, on July 11th, updating Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Yes, basically the same as before plus an extra day to more regularly maintain my position in the top ten newest fanfictions for Homestuck. Hopefully more people discover that Homestuck: The Novel is a thing. At least, that is what I intend. As Hussie reaches the end of his journey, so must I, and so I have come up with a tentative plan for the rest of the novelization.

Updates Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays from 7/11/15 to 8/1/15 for all of A6A3 and A6I3.

A6A4 and A6I4 will be posted in their entirety on 8/15/15.

Next, regular updates to slog through A6A5 and A6I5 from 8/18/15 to 10/17/15.

Next, A6A6 all the way from Caliborn's beautiful [S] Act 6 Act 6 to [S] Game Over will be posted at once on 10/25/15.

From then through the end of A6A6I5 will be posted in quick succession over the next couple of weeks, and we'll play it by ear from there, with the final acts/flashes posted about a week or two after they are released. If Hussie ends on an auspicious date (such as 4/13), then I shall post the end on the next auspicious date (such as 6/12). We'll see what happens at this point, but I'm scheduled to be done with Game Over by 10/25 and that is set in stone as well as everything before that. Thereupon, be prepared for an amorphous update schedule that should be finalized as Hussie releases his update schedule.

The plan is to end not too much later than Homestuck but I have a lot of catch-up work to do.

Be patient, guys. This is going to be a wild ride.

-Morn


	178. Book 11 Chapter 6: Act 6 Act 3

In true Hussie fashion, I am updating at 11:00 PM on the night before update day. Although with the posting delay it'll probably end up being more like 11:30. But, as promised, Act 6 Act 3:

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 6: Act 6 Act 3

Jane arrived on the Land of Crypts and Helium, a completely grey planet surrounded by colorful balloons raining water down on the ground. The planet was covered in obelisks and white skeletons of dead trees. She didn't really have time to look around though. Wherever she was, her house was sinking in a hurry. She had to get off! In two agile leaps, she had bounded to the balcony railing and then onto a platform overlooking an enormous hole in the ground that the house vanished into, taking Dad and the kernelsprite with it into the depths of the planet. A balloon rose from a smaller hole the ground nearby. On the other side of the chasm was a massive dam with an obelisk on either side, one with the heart symbol on it and the other with the life symbol on it.

Jane turned and walked along the platform, going up and down steps and up a hill. Just on the other side of the hill, the path she was on split in half, crossing a river at two points, one closer to a raining balloon as its source and the other a little further. Just beyond the river lay two larger bodies of water lay, refilled by a hole in a wall. There were, in fact, walls here. It looked like there were weird crypts etched into the stony landscape peppered with obelisks. She took the path on the left, which branched further down towards a dark cathedral or down under the water pouring from a wall and into a small, crudely hewn doorway. Slowly, carefully, she descended the steps towards the doorway and entered it to find herself in a small hallway with hieroglyphics carved into the walls. As she descended further, she found that she was in a large natural cavern with stalactites hanging from the ceiling in abundance. Signs of life hid in the cracks, as if the land wanted to be lush and fertile, but nothing could survive on the surface. It was making the whole cave smell like a flower shop. Oh hold on. She was being pestered by Roxy.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: jcrocks**

**TG: urgent cornespondence 4 profeffor bffsy over**

**GG: Roxy!**

**GG: You won't believe where I am right now.**

**TG: betch u i will**

**GG: Ok, maybe you will.**

**GG: But I'm in the game finally! It's considerably more outlandish than I was expecting.**

**TG: what were u spectin**

**TG: for mangic not 2 be real or something**

**TG: lol what a dope**

**GG: No, I was thinking...**

**GG: Well, I don't know. Something more like...**

**TG: wow k shoosh**

**TG: jane i actuatly dont have any time**

**TG: i have literally like 1 minute**

**TG: i only wanted to ask one thing**

**TG: did you talk to jake**

**TG: about u know**

**TG: do i even NEED to wonk?**

**GG: THAT'S why you're contacting me?**

**TG: ys**

**TG: hry**

**GG: Roxy, please, I don't think you understand.**

**GG: There are MYSTERIES here.**

**GG: REAL MYSTERIES AND PUZZLES TO SOLVE.**

**TG: thas cool so howd it go with jake**

**GG: Groan.**

**TG: did doc crock prantice her love medizine on THE ENGLISH PATIENT ;) 33,4**

**GG: Hardly.**

**GG: If you really want to know, I completely blew it with him forever. Satisfied?**

**TG: aw wahat that FUCK**

**GG: He asked me if I liked him, and in the heat of the moment I panicked and said no.**

**GG: And then he went on this whole thing about Dirk, and...**

**GG: That's that.**

**GG: Can we drop it now?**

**TG: uuuuuuuuuuuuuururreggghhgh**

**TG: jane this is totals the shittiest love report i ever heard**

**GG: It's not a "love report!" Will you stop it?**

**TG: jane im pissed**

**TG: i am so pipsed about this i want to just go there and smack ur ass**

**TG: u HAD him and oh jane siiiign**

**TG: the ONLY reason i got 2 cut short on ripping you a new one ofer this debacle is the fact that everything is literally on fire right now**

**GG: What? There's a fire?**

**TG: no jane theres a fire when youg go camping and pack marshmalmows while smiling like an asshole**

**TG: the whole neighborhoof is burning down**

**TG: by which i mean lilerally every single fuckin builbing**

**TG: gtg**

**GG: Oh, gosh.**

**GG: Please be careful!**

**TG: stil just**

**TG: SM f'n H about this jake thang**

**TG: uuurrrrgh**

**GG: :(**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Jane closed Pesterchum and proceeded down to the bottom of the stairs, where she found an underground lake. On either side of her was a seed pod, yet to be released to the surface. It looked like it needed a lot more helium. Interesting. The balloons were actually seed pods, then.

At the end of the path across the water was a larger platform. On the ground were some very old stone tablets, along with carving apparatus. One of them read: "We spent so long tending to our sacred seed pods. Each I cared for and released was like a precious bubble glubbed from my own mouth. They would seed our planet in anticipation of the Maid's arrival. Alas, it turned out we had the prophecy all wrong. Our scholars discovered she would not arrive for millions of years! Our kind would not survive to welcome her. So our elders gave us a new purpose. We must all go to work building our own graves! Some say this is not as much fun as tending to seed pods and a life of simple agriculture. But I think it could be a blast! I'm just a 'balloon is half inflated' kind of guy I guess."

The platform intersected the wall of the cavern at its edge, and carved into this side was an image of a fenestrated wall. At the bottom was a small doorway. Upon passing through the doorway, Jane found herself in a little antechamber with a locked door in front of her. The door had the life symbol on it. She found it mysteriously alluring; in fact, the more she looked at it, the more she thought it was just so cool. She could totally see herself wearing that thing on a shirt.

There was a little chamber full of bones embedded in the wall. She guessed the remains of an old salamander or something? This was just such a piss-poor burial job. Underneath the bones was an inscription that read "when three visitors look inward, the way to the Maid's palace will be clear." On a small podium nearby sat a salamander skull. It appeared to be weighing down a button. Could be an obvious boobytrap. It would take some bravery to swipe it. She grabbed it and, elsewhere, an obelisk rose from the surface of the planet.

Jane climbed back up the staircase and out into the open air again, then took the path towards the dark cathedral on the horizon. As she approached, she found that it was, in fact, merely another crypt. She stepped inside.

It was cold and musty in here, and littered with salamander bones and small carving tablets. Jane peered at the nearest one, which read:

_It yo u are reodig this it m e ans i m dead_

_Dang!_

_ca r ving stone i5 har d,_

_i wan t to go bak to farmin pods : (_

Another one read:

_New words of wisdom from the elders! From Hemera's lips to our slimy amphibious ears._

_The Nobles will arrive one by one. First to LOCAH, then to LOPAN. Then comes LOTAK, followed by LOMAX. One by one, the Nobles will come, only to discover the remains of those who worshipped them and paved the way for their arrival._

_But then it is their duty to pave the way for others. For those from the planets through the glass, whatever that means. LOWAS, LOLAR, LOHAC, LOFAF… you know what? That's too many letters. The alphabet confuses me sometimes._

Reading around some more, Jane discovered the following sentences:

_When times were simpler, we called them the Four Heroes. Our stories were so much happier and easy to understand. But we were living in delusion. When it became clear the Heroes could not fulfill their destiny by some cosmic flaw, they became known as the Nobles._

Further down the crypt hallway, an archway led to the bottom of a staircase. There were some more carving tablets, but she ignored them and snagged a turtle skull from a podium. This one wasn't weighing anything down, so nothing happened when she took it. She ran up the stairs. Oh no. Guess who was pestering her… She didn't think she had it in her to answer after the last catastrophic encounter. She took a look anyway.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**GT: Ahoy!**

**GT: Jane? Yoo hoo.**

**GT: No dice?**

**GT: Okey doke then i just wanted to see what was up with you.**

**GT: I figured you must be starting up the game by now? Cant wait to get the scoop!**

**GT: I just had a lets say encounter with dirks dumb robot and well its over now lets just leave it at that.**

**GT: Headed into the ruins now to seal the deal with this rabbit malarkey finally. Then i can join you!**

**GT: Not a moment too soon probably. I think this volcano is about to blow?**

**GT: Its making me mighty nervous im not going to lie.**

**GT: The grounds been shaking and everything.**

**GT: Wup!**

**GT: There it goes again aw frig this is a big one.**

**GT: Ohhhh shit.**

**golgothasTerror's [GT]** **skull helmet computer ceased operating due to a severe blow to the head. **

**GG: Jake! Wait!**

**GG: Oh no.**

At the top of the staircase stood a little gazebo-like structure with six pillars surrounding a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The chandelier had four lanterns on it; one was light blue, one was pink, one was orange, and one was green. Huh, that was funny. The green light was off but all of the others were on.

There was a crank mechanism nearby with a skull-shaped indentation. Something probably needed to go in there. As for what, Jane would need one of her fanciest detective moustaches to crack that mystery.

She jammed the turtle skull into the slot, but nothing happened. Then she tried the skull she'd gotten from the little antechamber and it fit. The lanterns were hoisted and three beams of light shone from the tower to various areas of the planet. The thing spit the skull back out and she grabbed it. No reason to squander a perfectly good skull. She thought Jake would agree.

Jane stepped up to the gazebo and looked at some of the inscriptions in the wall. More "maid of life, page of hope, void, heart" religious balderdash. She looked up. She'd be able to turn the chandelier, if only she had a small accomplice spry enough to climb up there… where was Lil Seb? She turned around and wandered back through the crypt and then back to where the path split, and decided to take the other path. There he was! He was doing a little dance next to the skeleton of a tree. She scooped him up in her arms. Silly robot bunny!

Oh look! It was the nice british alien again!

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**UU: hUzzah! yoU did it! ^u^**

**GG: Oh, hello.**

**GG: Did what, exactly?**

**UU: made it to locah! yoUr own personal planet inside the game, tailored to yoUr personal qUest.**

**UU: i've observed yoU here before, of coUrse. bUt this is the first time i've contacted yoU here.**

**UU: better to keep things on the Up and Up vis a vis oUr mUtUal linearity, no?**

**GG: Sure.**

**UU: sUre? :u**

**GG: Yes. Sorry. I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed by what just happened.**

**GG: A giant pit seems to have swollen my house whole! My dad is missing too. I think I should try to find him as soon as possible.**

**UU: i Understand.**

**UU: pardon my grUmpy demeanoUr. i jUst had a nap and did not sleep well.**

**GG: Ha ha, you call this grumpy?**

**UU: wasn't i being? :u**

**GG: Not exactly!**

**UU: well good! i do my best.**

**UU: really, as if my dreadfUl nap were not bad enoUgh, i woke Up to find my coplayer has made a terrible mess in here.**

**UU: bUt the good news is he has at least agreed to play with me once and for all. some people make nothing easy.**

**GG: That's good.**

**GG: But wait...**

**GG: I thought you said you've never met him?**

**UU: Um.**

**UU: i haven't!**

**UU: not in person.**

**GG: Then how did he make a mess in there?**

**GG: Did he break into your room while you were asleep?**

**UU: oh, yes, well, hmm.**

**UU: the thing with that is this.**

**UU: the thing with that is that we shoUld talk aboUt something else!**

**GG: Huh?**

**UU: why mUst yoU be sUch the vigilant gUmshoe, jane?**

**UU: always with the gUmshooery. pitch that pUzzlesavvy toward the conUndra littered aboUt yoUr planet!**

**UU: i'm becoming grUmpy again. do forgive me.**

**UU: what do yoU think of the place by the by?**

**GG: Uh...**

**UU: yoUr new home!**

**GG: Oh.**

**GG: It's rather desolate. Pretty eerie, actually.**

**GG: I haven't run into anyone at all. I think I might be alone here?**

**UU: yes isn't it great?**

**GG: The balloons are nice, I suppose.**

**UU: reminds me mUch of home. so peacefUl, so mUch space to yoUrself and time to think.**

**UU: yoU're so lUcky. i can't wait to get to my planet!**

**GG: Yes. But what about your brother?**

**UU: right, that.**

**UU: aboUt that.**

**UU: got to rUn! Ta, kisses, all that stUff! u3u**

**GG: Hey!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Before returning to the lanterns, Jane decided to continue looking around. She followed the path a little further. She arrived at where the orange lantern had been pointing. It was hitting some sort of mirror at the top of the obelisk that had arrived when she'd taken the skull. It looked like the mirror was designed to reflect light in different directions depending on the color of the beam. How mysterious. At the base of the obelisk was the void symbol. It made Jane think of Roxy for some reason. What would happen if she went back to the lanterns and had Lil Seb turn the chandelier so that the Roxy-colored pink lantern was pointing the way the Dirk-colored orange lantern was currently pointing?

She did so and then she and the robot returned to the obelisk. Sure enough, the obelisk reflected the pink light into one of the big holes in the ground. An object was being illuminated, but it was too far away to see and too far to jump. Lil Seb jumped in and landed at the bottom. Jane couldn't see what was happening, but she could hear a mysterious whirring sound, and suddenly a small building rose out of another nearby hole. It was a mausoleum of sorts.

She entered the mausoleum, only to have it lower again and she arrived at the bottom. A small path led through another archway. She saw Little Sebastion standing next to some kind of pink orb, or maybe it was just a generic orb illuminated with the pink lantern's light. SHIT SHE MEANT LIL NOT LITTLE. SHIT SHE MEANT SEBASTIAN.

Through the archway at the other end of the path was a tiny room with a crocodile skull sitting on another weighted podium, a lever, and a grating against the back wall. She took the skull and a door slammed shut behind her. Elsewhere, in front of a small chamber filled with bones, a wall slid down, revealing three skull-shaped indentations. From the grating she could hear scuttling noises. That was NOT a viable escape route. What did the switch…

When she flipped it, the grating slid down and five beetles climbed out of it. Ewwwwwwww… scarabs.

She decided to put the skull from the crank mechanism on the pedestal and the door behind her lifted. She scurried out of the room. Wait, but… the indentation wall slid up again! Jane returned to the room, scouring her sylladex, and finally decided to put a cake on the pedestal instead, taking the skull with her. She then left the room and the scarabs converged on the cake, eating it and slamming the door shut behind her again.

Jane reentered the mausoleum with Lil Seb in tow and together they returned to the lanterns, where she had the sneaking suspicion they'd have to turn it one more time. Lil Seb turned the chandelier again until the orange light was shining back in the direction of the dam. She quickly ran back down the path to the dam to see that the light was bouncing off of the life pillar, hitting the heart pillar, and being reflected down into the pit her house had gone into. She returned to the cavern she'd been in earlier (the one with the antechamber) to see that the orange was hitting a series of reflector plates and hitting a switch that had been inactive earlier. She flipped it and the seed pod nearby rose from the ground. This dislodged another skull, this time an iguana skull. Jane passed through the archway to the antechamber and looked at the indentations in the wall. She had four skulls and there were the indentations. In went the proper skulls and the door with the life symbol on it lifted. So did the indentation wall, revealing a boonbuck. She did a little dance and passed through the door.

Just through the door was a winding path that Jane began to cautiously walk along. The AR began to pester her.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TT: Looks like you're getting the hang of these puzzles.**

**TT: Nice work.**

**GG: Thank you!**

**GG: That last skull was a doozy, to be honest.**

**TT: Yeah, I guess. If you have a human brain, sure.**

**TT: Personally, I've already solved all conceivable skull puzzles for all possible skull states, which is a thing that's like, no big deal for me?**

**GG: Har har.**

**GG: Hey, I thought you couldn't see me once I left the house?**

**TT: I can't. Not through the server's viewport.**

**TT: But I can still monitor your progress through Lil Sebastian.**

**TT: He and I are linked the hell up cyberwise. We are so tight. Tight like you wouldn't believe.**

**GG: Oh yeah?**

**TT: It's like he is the Incredible Hulk's pants, and I am his monstrous package yearning to bust loose.**

**GG: Blehhhh, why?**

**TT: Jane.**

**TT: It seems there is a way bigger than average probability that you do not want to discuss Bruce Banner's megalithic gamma schlong.**

**GG: That figure would be sitting pretty at one hundred percent.**

**TT: Holy shit!**

**TT: Some of my circuits exploded. That number was intense to robo-consider.**

**GG: Ok, let's stop talking about stupid things for a minute. What a completely absurd environment for our typical blithering discourse.**

**GG: I am hot on the prowl for more clues about this strange and mysterious land!**

**TT: Ha ha.**

**GG: What?**

**TT: I don't know.**

**TT: Just, ha ha to that.**

**GG: Anyway, I think I'm getting closer to finding where my house went.**

**GG: Then I can reunite with dad, and together we can sleuth this great big pickle of a planet!**

**TT: Well, the good news is your house should be just ahead, if you keep following the trail.**

**GG: Yes, I knew it!**

**TT: The bad news is your dad's not there anymore.**

**GG: Oh no!**

**TT: I guess he got antsy and left to explore. Maybe he's looking for you?**

**TT: I tried to block him from leaving with some furniture, but the dude was having none of it.**

**GG: Golly, why did he have to leave?**

**GG: This really complicates matters. I hope he doesn't get lost.**

**TT: Don't worry, we'll find him. I'll have Seb search within a likely radius. The little guy is real fast.**

**GG: Yes. Good idea.**

**TT: In the meantime, you'd better go find your house. We aren't making any progress in this game without it. It's kinda central to the gameplay, you know?**

**TT: If you need Seb to do anything from afar, just message me, and I'll give him the orders. Got it?**

**GG: Got it! Thanks!**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

As she walked down the path, she noticed something clogging one of the small holes peppering the ground. It was her Dad's hat! She picked it up and brushed it off. She walked through another archway at the end of the trail and finally saw her house sitting atop a helium balloon. Way too far away to jump…

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began pestering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**GG: Can you get Lil Seb to rotate the lanterns?**

**TT: Sure thing.**

The orange beam was reflected off of a large set of mirrors, ricocheting around the cavern and hitting a switch in front of her, activating it. She flipped it and the house rose a little bit. Not quite enough. There was another switch nearby that she would bring it just high enough if she could flip it.

**GG: One more time, please?**

**TT: I was waiting for you to ask.**

No no no! That wasn't what she'd intended at all! Part of the dam slid aside, pouring gallons of water down onto her house. Jane clapped her hand to her mouth. Everything must be getting soaked inside! On the flipside, now the seedpod had been pushed firmly back down to its roots. If she could just get Lil Seb to…

The orange beam returned.

**TT: You're welcome.**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

She flipped the switch again and the new force pressing up against the house launched it to the surface. The now widened balloon jammed up against the hole, stuck. Perfect. Now Jane could return to the house. Sadly, her Dad would not be there to greet her.

Jane returned to the surface and back to the dam and her house, only to see a mysterious purple-costumed figure standing on a refrigerator outside her house. He had candy corn horns and a scratched up white and gray face. It seemed he would like to be her guide. Oh fuck no.


	179. Book 11 Chapter 7: iRRRRRRRRECONCILA8LE!

K, so... I'm too antsy to stick to the update schedule exactly. Instead, I'm posting it today. Be prepared for early updates at random times and double updates some days. Act 6 Act 3 is fairly long so I'll either have to post a bunch of chapters each update or post intermediary updates on random days. I think I'll typically go with the latter option there. I don't know the ratio of A6A3 to A6I3 yet, but one way or another, there are three weeks of updates starting now, and the end of A6I3 WILL be posted on August 1st.

Upd8! i, uh, Mean, uPD8,!,!,!,!,!,!,!,!

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 7: iRRRRRRRRECONCILA8LE! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jane cautiously approached her new friendly clown troll guide. Wait, she said she didn't want him to be her guide. He strongly advised her to reconsider (she didn't).

**JANE: Who are you?**

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**JANE: …**

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**JANE:**

**GAMZEE: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY THESE MOTHERFUCKIN POTIONS?**

Jane examined the clown's wares with due skepticism.

**GAMZEE: ALL OF MY WICKED ELIXIRS ARE MOTHERFUCKIN MAGIC AND ALL THAT.**

The clown sure liked to say motherfuck. It was making Jane a little uneasy. She pointed to a bottle full of an orange liquid.

**GAMZEE: only 420 boon dollars. one sip of this motherfuckin potion will cause you to all up and lose the use of your legs.**

**GAMZEE: HOWEVER, you will become an EXCELLENT kisser.**

**GAMZEE: a trade that's more than mother fuckin fair.**

Personally, Jane thought someone would have to be suicidal to drink that heinous brown liquid. She bought one anyway. It was like a brown nightmare in a bottle. When the clown wasn't looking, she chucked it over the side of her house-cliff.

Gamzee directed her to a fuchsia-colored potion.

**GAMZEE: MAN THIS ONE HERE HAS POWERFUL HEALING PROPERTIES.**

**GAMZEE: a must have in the inventory of an up and coming maid of life and shit.**

She acquiesced to a single fuchsia potion. Yippee. Pointless pink slop.

**GAMZEE: this one here will you make you mother fuckin STRONG.**

He pointed her to an indigo one. She guessed it would be pretty handy to be strong. Except that it was probably bullshit and the potion didn't do that at all. She bought one and shrugged. Now there was something she wouldn't be drinking anytime soon.

Gamzee picked up an olive-colored one.

**GAMZEE: this one's a mother fuckin love potion.**

**GAMZEE: JUST SNEAK A FEW DROPS INTO THEIR MOTHERFUCKING DRINK.**

**GAMZEE: specially if they all up and mother fuckin decapitated.**

**GAMZEE: if you all wanna lust after anyone you see, and act like a fucking douche, drink this mother fucker.**

**GAMZEE: AND IF YOU WANT ALL THE MOTHER FUCKING LUCK, TAKE THIS ONE.**

Jane bought a bottle of the cobalt potion.

**GAMZEE: good motherfuckin choice.**

**GAMZEE: THIS LAST ONE'S FOR HACKING. MAKES YOUR SKILLS GO BANANAS.**

**GAMZEE: but see, its benefits are mother fucking twofold. it's also all a handy substitute for grub sauce and shit.**

Okay. What the FUCK was she going to do with all these stupid potions? Talk about buyer's remorse. She'd had enough of this vulgar clown and his pushy peddling. She did not want him to be her guide and she politely asked him to leave her property.

**GAMZEE: i can all motherfuckin abide by that.**

**GAMZEE: don't want to get my step on to any mother fucking toes.**

**GAMZEE: BUT IF I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR GUIDE, YOU GOTTA AT LEAST HAVE SOMEONE AS A GUIDE, TO ALL GUIDE YOU ON YOUR WAY THROUGH THIS QUEST OF MIRACLES.**

**GAMZEE: hold your shit while i retrieve something from my chest of whimsy.**

**JANE: You mean the refrigerator?**

**GAMZEE: :o)**

He opened it to reveal the dead bodies of Vriska and Tavros, then unceremoniously torso flailed them up into the air and into Jane's kernelsprite. One of the stray arms in the air was actually neither of theirs, but rather was sticking out of a mysterious blue portal in midair. It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared, and neither Jane nor the clown had noticed it. Jane covered her mouth in horror.

**TAVRISPRITE: wHAT,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Thhhhhhhhe,**

**TAVRISPRITE: fUCK!,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Happened,?**

**TAVRISPRITE: mY,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Person, ality is...**

**TAVRISPRITE: hNNNNNNNNGH,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Just,,,,,,,,**

**TAVRISPRITE: a8SOLUTELY, fUCKING,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Uhhhhhhhh,**

**TAVRISPRITE: iRRRRRRRRECONCILA8LE!**

**TAVRISPRITE: D::::{**

**JANE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!**

**GAMZEE: honk.**

**TAVRISPRITE: nO,**

**TAVRISPRITE: nO, No, nO, No, nO, No, nO, No.**

**TAVRISPRITE: yOU HAVE TO,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Undo this somehow.**

**TAVRISPRITE: aRE YOU LISTENING TO ME, cLOWN, aND**

**TAVRISPRITE: Whoever the fuck you are?**

**TAVRISPRITE: mAKE ME STOP 8EING THIS THING!,!,!,!,!,!,!,!,**

**JANE: Hrm.**

**JANE: Ok, I'm sorry for screaming there. That fellow over there just caught me quite off guard with this... uh... stunt.**

**TAVRISPRITE: hMMMMMMMMK,**

**JANE: You seem quite upset. I think we should all try to calm down and figure out what to do.**

**TAVRISPRITE: yRRRRRRRRG,**

**JANE: Um, yes. Well, first of all, my name is Jane. Pleased to meet you.**

**JANE: What is yours?**

**TAVRISPRITE: My name?**

**TAVRISPRITE: fUCK, mY NAME,**

**TAVRISPRITE: It's, nOTHING!**

**TAVRISPRITE: i AM, a STUTTERING, rEPELLENT, uNHOLY...,**

**TAVRISPRITE: a8OMIN8TION!**

**JANE: Oh dear.**

**TAVRISPRITE: yOU HAVE,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Noooooooo,**

**TAVRISPRITE: iDEA,**

**TAVRISPRITE: hOW, fUUUUUUUUCKING MUCH,**

**TAVRISPRITE: iIIIIIII,**

**TAVRISPRITE: H88888888te myself right now, !**

**GAMZEE: HONK. **

**JANE: Quiet, you!**

**JANE: This is all your fault. Look at what you've done!**

**TAVRISPRITE: sHUT UUUUUUUUP,**

**TAVRISPRITE: i H8 YOU BOTH, I h8te, EVERYTHING.**

**TAVRISPRITE: I h8te, the way, i FALTERINGLY, sPEAK OUT, my jum8led, tHOUGHTS,**

**TAVRISPRITE: i H8, hOW i DRAAAAAAAAG OUT, tHE THINGS, I say, sOMETIMES,**

**TAVRISPRITE: I don't even know, wHICH PARTS OF MYSELF, aRE H8TING, which things?**

**TAVRISPRITE: sO,**

**TAVRISPRITE: i JUST H8TE,**

**TAVRISPRITE: Eeeeeeeevvvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyy, tHING!**

**JANE: Hey, clown!**

**JANE: Can't you do something? This poor creature shouldn't exist!**

**TAVRISPRITE: Aaaaaaaa,**

**TAVRISPRITE: aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA,aAAAAAAA!**

Tavrisprite began to glow and crackle and the entire house shook.

**TAVRISPRITE: eEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH,,,,,,,,.**

Jane scrambled back onto the platform, away from her house, and the sprite Tavrisploded, sending Gamzee flying with a loud "HOOOOOOOONK".

Tavros and Vriska sat up simultaneously in an underworld representation of the Land of Sand and Zephyr.

**VRISKA: Tavros, this fucking sucks.**

**TAVROS: wHAT,**

**VRISKA: What do you mean, "wHAT,"?**

**VRISKA: For starters, that completely horri8le shared 8ody resurrection 8ullshit that just happened.**

**VRISKA: You were there, remem8er? That's kind of the point!**

**TAVROS: oH, yEAH,**

**TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW, iT WASN'T SO BAD,**

**TAVROS: i THINK MAYBE WE WERE OVERREACTING, aBOUT BEING ONE PERSON?**

**VRISKA: Overreacting my ass!**

**VRISKA: What a nightmare. It's still making my ghostly skin crawl just thinking a8out it.**

**TAVROS: nO, i THINK i'VE DECIDED, yOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE,**

**TAVROS: iT WAS COOL BEING ALIVE AGAIN FOR A WHILE, aS A STRANGE UNSETTLING MUTANT,**

**TAVROS: iF WE DIDN'T EXPLODE OURSELF SO FAST, iT COULD HAVE BEEN AN ADVENTURE, mAYBE,**

**VRISKA: Oh, sure. That's easy for you to say.**

**VRISKA: You weren't the one getting the short end of the shared personality stick!**

**VRISKA: May8e if your personality was as much an upgrade to mine as mine was to yours, I would have 8een cool with it too.**

**TAVROS: yOU MIGHT BE RIGHT,**

**TAVROS: aCTUALLY IT WAS PRETTY NEAT,**

**VRISKA: What?**

**TAVROS: gETTING TO FEEL ALL THE AMAZING SELF ESTEEM YOU GET TO FEEL,**

**TAVROS: i DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IT FELT LIKE, i MOSTLY ONLY KNEW WHAT THE PRETEND KIND WAS LIKE,**

**TAVROS: sO,**

**TAVROS: tHANK YOU FOR LETTING ME FEEL THAT, i GUESS,**

**VRISKA: Hahahaha. You're welcome!**

**VRISKA: Now that you mention it, may8e there was a silver lining to that freak show.**

**VRISKA: Someone else finally got a chance to feel first hand how gr8 it is 8eing me!**

**TAVROS: yEAH,**

**TAVROS: iT MUST BE PRETTY GREAT OVERALL,**

**TAVROS: sO,**

**TAVROS: aSIDE FROM BEING PARTIALLY ME, bRIEFLY,**

**TAVROS: hOW HAVE YOU BEEN?**

**VRISKA: Ok. Dead mostly.**

**TAVROS: yES, mE TOO,**

**VRISKA: Yeah.**

**VRISKA: Hey, sorry a8out that 8y the way.**

**TAVROS: aBOUT WHAT,**

**VRISKA: A8out killing you! It wasn't very cool of me.**

**TAVROS: oH, rIGHT,**

**TAVROS: i ALMOST FORGOT THAT EVEN HAPPENED,**

**VRISKA: How could you forget? Haven't you 8een pissed off at me a8out it?**

**TAVROS: nO, i MEAN, iT WAS PRETTY MUCH MY FAULT, i THINK,**

**TAVROS: i ATTACKED YOU WITH MY BOGUS SELF ESTEEM, aND i PAID THE ULTIMATE PRICE,**

**VRISKA: No, you idiot! That's not what happened at all. I sta88ed you through the chest 8ecause I was 8eing a huge 8itch!**

**TAVROS: i MEAN, iT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, bUT THAT'S NOT REALLY HOW i REMEMBER IT,**

**VRISKA: Ugh, stop 8eing so stupid. That's so stupid!**

**TAVROS: nO, yOU'RE STUPID,**

**VRISKA: You are such a pain in the ass when you're dead. Let's just agree it was my fault and drop it.**

**TAVROS: nO, bUT OKAY,**

**VRISKA: Man, 8eing dead is such a drag.**

**VRISKA: I don't know if I can deal with this shit anymore!**

**TAVROS: i THINK IT'S ALRIGHT,**

**VRISKA: Oh come on. It's so 8oring!**

**VRISKA: What a completely pointless and hollow existence this is.**

**VRISKA: And if the existential malaise wasn't 8ad enough, now I have to 8e constantly watching out for that fucking orange guy.**

**TAVROS: oRANGE GUY?**

**VRISKA: The orange guy! Haven't you seen him?**

**TAVROS: nO,**

Hussie peeked out from behind a rock some twenty yards off, gazing at Vriska lovingly. Neither of them saw him.

**VRISKA: Well, there's an orange guy.**

**TAVROS: yOU MEAN,**

**TAVROS: tHE BIRD VERSION OF DAVE,**

**VRISKA: No, not Davesprite! It's just some random pointless orange guy who's 8een hassling me for some reason.**

**VRISKA: I can't catch a 8r8k!**

**VRISKA: And if that weren't enough of a nuisance, we've apparently got to deal with getting yanked out of the afterlife without a moment's notice 8y some 8ozo in a codpiece to particip8 in his grotesque 8ody fusion pranks.**

**VRISKA: 8etween you and me, I'm starting to think we are getting jerked around here. You know?**

**TAVROS: uHHH,**

**VRISKA: Some inexplica8le forces out there are fucking with us. They are doing everything in their power to make sure that when we're not 8eing totally humili8ted, we are staying completely irrelevant.**

**VRISKA: We can't let them toy with us, then just sweep us under the carpet like that. I'm not going to let our relevance 8e marginalized anymore, Tavros.**

**TAVROS: wHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,**

**VRISKA: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.**

**TAVROS: oH, nO,,,**

**VRISKA: More like oh yes!**

**VRISKA: I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of 8eing dead and useless and 8ored, and I'm not going to take it anymore.**

**VRISKA: You're with me, right?**

**TAVROS: nO WAY,**

**TAVROS: i LIKE BEING DEAD,**

**TAVROS: i LIKE IT HOW THERE ARE NO RESPONSIBILITIES, oR PROBLEMS, uSUALLY,**

**VRISKA: Tavros, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard you say, which is really saying something.**

**TAVROS: yES, iT IS,**

**VRISKA: You've got to quit that loser attitude and get your ass out of the sand. That's just your low self esteem talking again.**

**TAVROS: yES, i KNOW,**

**VRISKA: I'm going to have to insist.**

**VRISKA: You are going to join me and together we are going to fuck shit up.**

**TAVROS: nO, i'M NOT,**

**VRISKA: Yes, you are.**

**TAVROS: nO,**

**VRISKA: Yes.**

**TAVROS: nO,**

**VRISKA: Yes.**

**TAVROS: *VRISKA MIND CONTROL POWERS* yES, i WILL DEFINITELY, **

**TAVROS: *****VRISKA MIND CONTROL POWERS* ****cOOPERATE WITH YOU WHOLE HEARTEDLY,**

**TAVROS: dAMMIT,**

**TAVROS: oKAY, fINE,**

**VRISKA: ::::D**


	180. Book 11 Chapter 8: 411 PC

Chapter 8: 411 P.C.

Jake attempted to proceed to the time capsule, but could not because he was lying on the floor unconscious. While descending deep into the ruins, a sudden earthquake had jammed the elevator on its way down, causing him to take a nasty spill to the floor below. Luckily, he'd been wearing his trusty skulltop, which had prevented a more serious concussion. He nevertheless had lost consciousness, and now attempted with all his might to regain it. He failed to do so.

Years in the past, but centuries in the future, Dirk began to pester Jake.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**TT: Happy 13th, bro.**

**TT: I have something for you.**

**GT: Whoa nelly!**

**GT: You are too kind my friend. What is it?**

**TT: It's no big deal, since it's nothin' I wasn't planning on giving you anyway.**

**TT: I just sort of happened to finish it today.**

**GT: I think i catch your drift.**

**GT: So my new tin comrade finally gets a head on his shoulders eh?**

Jake was lying on his bed, an incomplete brobot at the foot of it.

**TT: Yeah, assuming I can actually send it today without another untimely paradoxification.**

**TT: If not, then hey, you get a sick grill full of birthday slime instead.**

**GT: Oh hell no. HELL no man.**

**GT: Well listen. If youre going to send anything to me slime or otherwise can you please at least not make the shit appear directly over my head this time?**

**GT: The last thing i need on my bday is another installment of and i quote manbro bukkake theater.**

**TT: You still don't actually know what that means, do you.**

**GT: Not really? Its your friggin figure of speech man. I gathered it just meant getting slimed like in ghost busters or somesuch.**

**TT: Kind of. I told you to look it up.**

**GT: Yeah yeah. Im a busy fella dirk!**

**GT: Wikipedia is a lot of letters to type in a thing for a man of action on the go.**

**GT: Im always doing adventures remember?**

**TT: That is such bullshit, you sit in your little jungle globe watching movies all day.**

**GT: Well yes. But ok i have a LOT of movies to bone up on. There are so many good ones i still havent seen.**

**TT: You think literally every film you watch is a masterpiece. I've never felt so much vicarious shame through someone else's atrocious taste in awful garbage.**

**GT: Screw you i have IMPECCABLE standards! Its just theres so much good stuff out there and ive really been on a roll with my picks lately.**

**TT: Do you even hear yourself, dude?**

**TT: Your "picks" are everything, and "lately" is always.**

**GT: Yes i hear myself just fine.**

**GT: I hear a discriminating gentlemans melodious voice and it strikes my ears as the voice of reason! Heheh.**

**GT: Say heres one im pretty excited about. Have you heard about this avatar jam? Its coming out next year.**

**TT: You mean the blue furry shit?**

**GT: No man it is not blue furry shit far from it. Get this. It is about this paralyzed fellow who is down on his luck and longs for adventure. And he finds it!**

**GT: But it is far away on an enchanted planet rich with coveted treasures. And adventure is not all that he finds oh no. He also finds romance.**

**GT: A beautiful blue woman from the wild teaches him the ways of her savage culture and also the ways of alien love. Together they frolic in the forest whilst sharing primal intimacy through magic sexual escapades.**

**TT: Ahahahaha.**

**GT: Whats so funny wise guy?**

**TT: To borrow from one of the more benighted sectors of your zeitgeist, that was "so gay."**

**GT: Excuse me but i fail to see what could possibly be gay about some huge elegant blue men and women having really spiritual intercourse with their tails or something.**

**TT: Well yeah, obviously not literally.**

**TT: Jake, where I'm from that word hasn't been used as a pejorative, or even much at all, in a really long fucking time.**

**GT: But youre from friggin texas! Arent you?**

**TT: Yes. But not exactly.**

**GT: Augh stop being such a cryptic troll all the time!**

**GT: Anyway avatar looks spectacular and i think my preemptive review was spot on. The bloody end!**

**TT: Ok but what you just said about those furries was gay as hell. It's time to face the facts.**

**GT: You are just treating my great taste in flicks to your aloof hipstery disdain as usual. You dont know anything about that movie. Maybe youll like it?**

**TT: Nah, I saw it already. That movie sucked the smelliest shit from the ugliest butt. Sorry man.**

**GT: Well now i know youre just trolling me. It wont be out for another year!**

**TT: Right.**

**TT: Here, let me send you the rest of this robot already.**

**TT: You've spent too long alone on that island as it is. I kinda worry about you.**

**TT: A man can only spend so much time in the middle of the damn ocean with nothing but popcultural detritus and his own thoughts to keep him company.**

**GT: Alrighty.**

**GT: I hope it wont be as difficult to finish building as the rest was to assemble.**

**TT: No, just screw the thing on and it's ready to go.**

**GT: Capital!**

**GT: Scoot that noggin my way at your ready then.**

Jake sat up as the head with the fiery shades appeared in the corner of his bed.

**TT: Oh cool. It worked.**

**GT: Hehe. You nerd.**

**GT: Hes got your slick japanese spectacles and everything.**

**GT: Why is this a metal man before me or is it none other than dirk strider himself in my room?**

**TT: One thing at a time, bro. I haven't quite figured out a way to get myself there yet.**

**GT: It almost sounds like this is something youve given some thought...**

**TT: Ok well I don't know what you're implying there but why don't you snap that sucker on the torso and fire it up.**

**GT: Affirmative.**

**GT: I continue to boggle vacantly at your technical shenanigans.**

**GT: Your knack for gadgetry seems to surpass even my grandmas and she was like this big time gizmo legend.**

**GT: How do you even do this stuff?**

**TT: I guess from your perspective I must seem hells of "overpowered" in a bunch of ways.**

**TT: Which I kind of am, like with a ninja sword I'm basically nuts, ok?**

**GT: If you say so buddy. I can believe it.**

**TT: Yeah, but when it comes to building stuff you're probably overstating things.**

**TT: Like for example, if you told someone a hundred years ago you could build a computer they'd probably be like whoa shit, look at this fuckin' genius.**

**TT: Well actually first of all they'd say, what's a computer, I only know what horses and diseases are and shit like that.**

**TT: But once you actually tell them what computers are: Jesus dick! You're a wizard.**

**TT: But from your perspective you know it's not a big deal to build a computer. You just go online and buy a case and a motherboard and some other shit and put it all together.**

**TT: It's not like you're smelting the goddamn silicon in your basement and making chips in your hermetically sealed, dust-free garage.**

**GT: Yeah but come on its not like youre from a century in the future.**

**TT: Well. No.**

**GT: Nor am i a quaint man of the past. Pardon me but do i SOUND like some trollycar bellwether toiling in the heart of the mustache belt from the ruff n tumble year of nineteen aught nine?**

**TT: ...**

**TT: He said unironically.**

**GT: Give me some credit man and some to yourself as well. You are too modest about all this robotics noise.**

**TT: I don't know. I have a lot of time to work on stuff I guess.**

**TT: There are a lot of irons. You know where they are? Here's a hint. It's a pretty hot place.**

**GT: The kitchen?**

**TT: Sure, I keep some irons there too. But most of them are in the fire.**

**GT: Oh of course!**

**GT: Fire is quite notoriously the hottest thing there is. A tip top locale for a whole mess of irons!**

**TT: True that.**

**TT: I actually have so much to do and think about, one of my current projects hopefully will address that very issue.**

**TT: Gonna make an AI replica of my own mind. He can share some of the load. As well as make a decent intellectual sparring partner, ideally.**

**TT: Not that my conversations with you aren't uniquely rad. But you know what I mean.**

**GT: See again i think you are downplaying a pretty neat accomplishment if you ask me.**

**TT: Shrug. We'll see.**

**GT: Does that mean I'll have to deal with two dirks?**

**GT: One who is MORE MACHINE THAN MAN...**

**GT: And another who is a computer program you made hahahahahahaha.**

**TT: That's a super joke.**

**TT: But I'm guessing you won't be hearing much from the program. It probably won't play a significant role in either of our lives.**

**TT: I have my doubts it'll be a successful project, but who knows.**

**GT: Id wager a tidy sum the results of the endeavor will be sensational.**

**GT: I believe in you!**

**TT: You do?**

**GT: Sure bro. I always have.**

**GT: You have helped me out a lot and been a good friend for ages.**

**TT: Hmm.**

**GT: What?**

**TT: Well, I wasn't sure about doing this today, but if it's true that you do believe in me, then I guess fuck it, why not.**

**GT: Why not what?**

**TT: I guess call it an extra birthday present. But instead of a present that's awesome, consider it more like a weird confession that may change the way you feel about me.**

**GT: Whoa uh...**

**GT: Dirk are you... uh...**

**GT: Saying what i think?**

**TT: What?**

**TT: What do you think I'm saying here?**

**GT: Uh never mind sorry for interrupting.**

**GT: Should i sit down for this i dont know what to do.**

**GT: Wait i already am sitting down. Maybe i should stand up?**

**TT: No, just chill out. Stand up, sit down, whatever. Here's the thing.**

**TT: You know all these painfully obvious hints I've been dropping? That always seem to be flying over your head?**

**GT: Ummmmmmmm.**

**GT: Maybe?**

**GT: I think i need a towel or something.**

**TT: About me being from the future.**

**GT: Oh!**

**GT: Oh. Yes.**

**GT: I think so.**

**TT: Well those weren't jokes. It's true.**

**GT: What? Oh man are you actually serious?**

**TT: Yes.**

**GT: So like...**

**GT: You ARE from a century in the future.**

**TT: No. More like four centuries.**

**TT: The year 2422.**

**TT: Or as we say contemporarily, 411 P.C.**

**TT: Post Condescension.**

**GT: WOW.**

**GT: I must say this is not the announcement i was expecting.**

**GT: So you are a time traveler from 2422 here to help me build robots or something?**

**TT: No, I can't time travel. I can only send things through time, occasionally.**

**TT: I actually live here in the future, alone in my apartment. I can send messages to you in the past though, like I'm doing now.**

**GT: How?**

**TT: Years ago our alien friend sent me a special chat client. It's basically just Pesterchum, with some sort of alien technology embedded.**

**TT: It's specifically wired to communicate with your time period. As hours go by for me, the time it sends messages to also increments by the same amount, so we communicate in lockstep. As if we both existed in the present.**

**TT: She said it was important for Roxy and I to begin communicating with you and Jane. This is how we all became friends.**

**GT: Wait... you and roxy?**

**TT: Yes. She lives in the future too. Though we live nowhere near each other.**

**TT: I asked her to refrain from telling either of you. I wanted to be the one to let you know. To wait for the right moment.**

**GT: Holy fucking mackerel. This is amazing!**

**TT: So,**

**TT: You really are trusting me about this? Just like that? No second thought?**

**GT: Well yeah. Sure man why not? Wait its not a prank is it?!**

**TT: No.**

**TT: This would be a very shitty and boring "prank." I promise it isn't.**

**GT: Then heck yes i believe it to friggin pieces. Its an awesome thing to be true!**

**TT: Haha.**

**GT: So whats the far flung future like? Some sort of crazy robo paradise?**

**TT: Not quite, but there are definitely robots.**

**GT: Oh man what are your movies like in the future? I bet there are some real cinematic humdingers. Like holographic stuff? Or shit you plug directly into your brain pod right? Wait you do have brain pods right?**

**TT: No. We don't have brain pods because those aren't a thing, you just made that up. And there are no movies in the future.**

**TT: There are no humans either. They all went extinct.**

**TT: Roxy and I are the only ones left, as far as we know.**

**GT: Well shit.**

**GT: Dirk this story got so much less awesome.**

**GT: Is it too late to backpedal on believing it before i start to cry?**

**TT: No dude, it's too late. Tears ahoy, this motherfucker gets sad.**

**TT: Do you want to know what happened?**

**GT: Sure do.**

**GT: Lemme just finish putting this steel melon on my brobot and then im all ears…**

Jake clicked the brobot's head into place.

**GT: There he is finished.**

**GT: Look at this spanking iron friend from the future. He is perfect.**

**GT: Oh shoot dirk he just got blurry and disappeared! What the actual fuck?**

**TT: Don't worry, that's normal.**

**TT: Upon activation he goes into Stalking Mode.**

**GT: Stalking mode?**

**TT: Yes. He will stalk you in the jungle and strike when your guard is down.**

**GT: What? Thats crazy why would i want that!**

**TT: Didn't you want someone to get in scrums with?**

**GT: Well yeah but... man.**

**TT: He will give you all the scrums you can handle. Trust me, this will sharpen your combat skills.**

**GT: I guess youre right.**

**GT: I was just picturing a little good honest rough housing... why does the whole thing have to sound so sketchy and nerve wracking!**

**TT: Do you want to hear my grim tales of the apocalypse or not?**

**GT: Yes!**

**GT: Youre right lets put issues of fisticuffs aside for now. Tell me everything about the future.**

**GT: So how does humanity fuck up? Is it the nuclear holocaust? Or is it robots? Gotta be the robots right? As per the terminator.**

**TT: No, it's more of a gradual decline in population than that, due to an insidious power grab by an aquatic alien empress.**

**GT: Oh the old alien overlord story? Got it. When does she show up?**

**TT: She's already there, in your time period, hiding in plain sight. She has been for anywhere between fifty and a hundred years.**

**TT: She's the Baroness of Crockercorp. Jane's company. But of course Jane has no idea.**

**TT: The Baroness has been using subtle strategies to manipulate the human population through her company for a long time.**

**TT: On November 11th, 2011, she finally made her presence known to the world, along with her agenda for global domination.**

**GT: Jeez that is pretty scary. So in a few years she will be in charge of everything?**

**TT: No, not quite. That's just when the world finally sees her for the threat she is. She would continue to gain power by exploiting various institutions and the media from within.**

**TT: It would take the next several decades for her to claim the throne as Earth's absolute ruler. Her march to domination was facilitated by a number of scumbag sympathizers, and opposed by a few brave rebels, including my ancestor. Roxy's too.**

**TT: I think your ancestor qualifies as one too. In fact I'm sure she must have been the first member of the covert opposition movement.**

**GT: My grandma?**

**GT: I do remember when i was very young she would tell me stories of the wicked woman who raised her.**

**GT: Was she the evil alien?**

**TT: Yep.**

**TT: That's a whole story right there, most of which is shrouded in rumor and urban legend.**

**TT: But before we get sidetracked by any of that, I'll try to cover the big picture. To give you a sense of all the batshit lunacy that followed the sea hag's power play.**


	181. Book 11 Chapter 9: Sea Hitler

Chapter 9: Sea Hitler's Water Apocalypse

**TT: Nobody at the time knew what the fuck she wanted to accomplish or what her actual motives were.**

**TT: But in retrospect it became clear she was trying to essentially restore the conditions of her old home world, which she used to rule over as well.**

**TT: She began instituting these crazy laws. First of all, people weren't allowed to reproduce. She found our usual method of procreation revolting, and anyone who engaged in it was punished by death.**

**TT: But she still needed an ongoing population of subjects to abuse, so to propagate the race she set up this weird system.**

**TT: At random intervals every citizen would be required to supply their genetic material to drones. That DNA would be collected and combined in some way.**

**TT: Many years later, long after the original donors had died, clones would be spawned from their DNA. So no one would ever be able to know who their "parents" were, or be able to trace their lineage.**

**TT: It was only through a bit of good fortune that Roxy and I were able to discover who our ancestors were.**

**GT: They were the rebels you mentioned? Are they alive right now?**

**GT: I mean in my time?**

**TT: Yes.**

**GT: Oh! I am very curious about them and also my grandma.**

**TT: I'll get to them, don't worry.**

**TT: Anyway, "Her Imperious Condescension" turned out to be especially cruel to her human subjects. I'm sure her rule was no picnic on her home world, but I think she resented humans' biological incompatibility with the ideal empire she envisioned, and became frustrated.**

**TT: Humanity wasn't even really her first choice for rule. There are reports that she attempted to clone members of her own species and replace the human population with them. But they all died.**

**GT: What happened to them?**

**TT: The rumors say it was her own "pet" who killed them.**

**TT: See, she traveled from her world to Earth in this huge red space ark.**

**TT: In it she had gathered thousands of creatures from her planet, I'm guessing to save them from extinction.**

**TT: This more than anything has led me to speculate that some cataclysm happened on her home world, and she moved on to greener pastures to rebuild her empire.**

**TT: She bred all these creatures in secret, increasing their numbers, preparing for her eventual takeover.**

**TT: Each monster, or "lusus naturae," was meant to be kind of a caretaker of the young. You can see where the dramatic schism between our species and hers begins, and also why she had a reputation for being quite insane.**

**TT: But she also happens to have this one humongous sea monster lusus that is like her own personal bodyguard, and kind of a secret weapon.**

**TT: But it turns out the thing is kind of an enigma. Sort of a double edged eldritch horror. As much in her service as it is calling the shots, in some unfathomable way.**

**TT: Every time she tried to resurrect her race, it would slaughter them all psychically. As if it was keeping her ambition in check.**

**TT: Or so the story goes.**

**GT: Wait... these beasts tend to the young? **

**GT: I can tell you from first hand experience that monsters are totally rotten at taking care of kids! **

**GT: They do a bangup job of making em scared though. :( **

**TT: Exactly.**

**TT: The plan was beyond shitty.**

**GT: So does that mean you and rox were raised by these things? **

**TT: Nope.**

**TT: It was a very short lived experiment centuries ago.**

**TT: Humans just don't have the same evolutionary symbiosis with those things that her race had.**

**TT: It turns out a bunch of fuckin' alien monsters have no interest whatsoever in taking care of human babies.**

**TT: They mostly just wound up eating them, or at best, just abandoning them.**

**TT: Later she instated a lusidroid system to serve the same function, as she began phasing in more robotic solutions in favor of all this ill conceived biotech nonsense that always did nothing but backfire.**

**TT: Even drones were replaced with robotic versions. I imagine they were just easier to produce and control, since she'd given up hope of perfectly mirroring her own civilization in all its convoluted symbiotic glory. **

**TT: But not without a good fight, and not without taking her frustrations out on the human population. **

**TT: She attempted to enforce "blood casting" through efforts to genetically alter people's blood color. That was an ugly chapter. Lotta fuckin' people died from that debacle. **

**TT: Over the last four hundred years, the population just got smaller and smaller from these atrocities piling up. But she clearly didn't give a shit. **

**TT: All the while, the amount of dry land kept shrinking due to the gradual flooding. **

**TT: Soon there was hardly anywhere left to live, and then, that was that. No more people. **

**GT: Damn.**

**GT: Wait...**

**GT: Flooding?**

**TT: Oh. Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this up front. **

**TT: One of the first things she did while in power was begin melting the ice caps. **

**TT: It took a while, but eventually the whole world flooded. **

**TT: That's how it is now. It's totally soaked up in this bitch.**

**GT: Wow like the epic kevin costner film?**

**TT: Almost exactly. Especially by the same degree of shittiness. **

**GT: Oh man does that mean you have to drink your own pee?**

**TT: You get used to the taste. Welcome it, even. **

**TT: That takes about 15 days in a row of hard piss drinking though. **

**GT: Ewwwwwwwwwwww no dude. No ew. :(**

**TT: Relax, I don't drink any goddamn piss, ok? **

**GT: Oh ok. Whew.**

**GT: I guess your lusis droid thingy sees to it that you have fresh water?**

**TT: Nope. Those stopped being a thing a long time ago too, once humans went extinct. **

**GT: Oh i thought...**

**GT: Hm. Well who raised you then?**

**TT: Nobody, man. I raised my damn self. **

**GT: !**

**GT: Jesus christofer kringlefucker and here i thought i was rugged!**

**TT: You're still pretty rugged. You're just a fucking dork about it. **

**GT: Thats true.**

**TT: I guess I did have Cal looking after me. **

**TT: Let's not discount the rad service of the C-man, ok? **

**GT: Heaven forbid.**

**GT: And what about roxy?**

**TT: Pretty sure the Carapacians took care of her when she was young.**

**GT: Wait the whatsits? **

**TT: Right. Another thing I forgot to mention.**

**TT: There are a lot of these humanoid creatures with hard shells. Some black, some white.**

**TT: As humanity was dwindling due to an increasingly whimsical and psychopathic Condesce, she began introducing more of these Carapacians on to the scene.**

**GT: Are they aliens too? **

**TT: Uh...**

**TT: Sort of. They are definitely from other planets, so, yeah. Really the deal with where they came from is a whole other story for another time.**

**TT: But the bottom line is at some point, somehow, she started herding a bunch of them from their home worlds on to Earth and multiplying them.**

**TT: Something like a hundred years ago it became clear she favored these guys more than humans as her subjects.**

**TT: They're very loyal and seem genuinely dedicated to serving her. Must be what they were bred for. She still treats them like shit though, unsurprisingly.**

**TT: All these colonies started sprouting up. Like these modular cities floating on the water.**

**TT: It probably sounds cooler than it is. But they're basically slums. That's where they tend to live in large numbers.**

**TT: Roxy lives in one of these colonies. It's about 2000 miles from where I am.**

**GT: Good gravy. Those are exotic circumstances!**

**GT: And here i was thinking i had the most exciting and adventurous life. It turns out im just some chump on boring ass monster island in the silly old PRE apocalypse.**

**TT: For what it's worth, I think it's gotta be more interesting living in the 21st century than the 25th. **

**TT: Like it's really no contest. **

**GT: Youre probably right.**

**GT: Id be really keen on talking to roxy about this too!**

**GT: Im very curious about her experiences as a future lady with all the whatsits. The hard shell folk.**

**GT: I must say it turns my previous perception of your lives right on its friggin ear.**

**TT: Man, she would love to talk to you about all this. **

**TT: She hates keeping secrets. It's been killing her not to spill all these fucking beans way the hell prematurely. **

**GT: Like what is even your day to day business like in sea hitlers water apocalypse?**

**TT: Well, I mostly shit around in my apartment all day, building stuff, reading about history, and flipping out with my sword. **

**TT: Sometimes I go fishing and check out the underwater ruins. **

**TT: She does plenty of useless fucking around too, but at least she's got a neighborhood. **

**TT: She also uses one of her gadgets to gank vegetables and stuff from the past. **

**TT: She tries to feed the hungry neighbors whatever she can scrounge up.**

**GT: Those are amazing stories. I am so lucky to have friends like you.**

**GT: Oh snap what about jane! Have you told her?**

**TT: Jane is... **

**TT: No. I haven't. **

**TT: I've dropped some hints and tested her willingness to believe something like this. **

**TT: It's just not going to fly. It's way too much drop on somebody all at once if they aren't receptive. **

**GT: Hmm. True but it seems a shame to keep her out of the loop.**

**TT: Well, tell her whatever you want. She'll likely think she's being fucked with. **

**TT: Personally, I wouldn't bother trying too hard to convince her. There's no point in alienating her. **

**TT: Some day she'll be ready to believe things. **

**GT: Okay.**

**GT: Wow i still have so many questions.**

**GT: Its incredible that this is all going to happen right around the corner! I dunno if im ready...**

**TT: Like I said, the changes will be a little more gradual than that. More clandestine. She'll exploit the fear caused by her revelation to the world to create intended reactions within governments and media, and her agents embedded on the inside will help nudge things in the direction she wants. **

**TT: Then, twenty-some years down the road, without anyone suspecting a thing, she'll suddenly be in complete control. And Earth will be fucked. **

**GT: I want to join the opposition!**

**GT: Fuck this witch i have lots of guns and reckless bravado and i want to stop her. Ill pick up where my grandma left off!**

**TT: Well, aside from the main reasons that won't happen, which I won't get into... **

**TT: It still wouldn't be a good idea. **

**GT: Horse shit why not?!**

**TT: Cause people way better at this than you tried and died? **

**TT: You said you wanted to hear about our ancestors.**

**GT: Heck yes bro.**

**TT: Well, how much do you actually know about your grandma? What have you read, and what do you remember? **

**GT: My memory of her is pretty foggy.**

**GT: I do know she loved adventure just like me. Thats why she was exploring this island and raising me here when she died.**

**GT: She was a fair markswoman and knew her way around an atom or two.**

**GT: Pretty sure her company made a tidy fortune til it went belly up. At least i still have a few of her knickknacks for keepsakes.**

**GT: And as you confirmed she was raised by that evil spinster.**

**GT: But then again from some of the things my pen pal has said it kind of throws some of these details into question so i dunno what to think.**

**TT: I don't know what the deal is with your pen pal either, and I'm not really prepared to speculate on that right now. **

**TT: But I'm privy to a shitload of historical data I can share. What's the last thing you remember about her? **

**GT: It was the night i found her dead!**

**GT: She had gone off to study the ruins one day. Im pretty sure that was her purpose on this island. To study the technology here and solve all of the astonishing mysteries. **

**GT: She even built that big fancy house we used to live in so i guess she really wanted to settle here for a while. **

**GT: But she didnt come home from her expedition for a couple days so i started to get worried. **

**GT: I followed the trail we usually take to the lagoon while keeping my eyes peeled for monsters. **

**GT: But instead i found her lying there dead. **

**GT: I think a monster caught her off guard. There were three big fang marks in the body and a trail of blood along the path.**

**GT: It looked like she was trying to get home but couldnt make it before succumbing to the injury. **

**GT: But before i could even do anything about it i heard an explosion. I looked back at the hill and my house was gone!**

**GT: Just a big poof of smoke where it was standing. So i lived alone in the jungle ever since. **

**TT: Huh. I've wondered about all that.**

**GT: Well you never asked! **

**TT: Oh I know. I would have. But asking about your past would have just been inviting you to do the same. You know how it goes.**

**GT: Indeed. **

**TT: But for the record, I don't think those were fang marks on the body, dude.**

**GT: No? **

**TT: Finish the story first. Then what?**

**GT: Oh theres not much more to it. I had to deal with grandmas body.**

**GT: I would have loved to give her a proper and dignified memorial like janes granddad got.**

**GT: God jane is so lucky every day in her household must be like weekend at bernies! What a riot it must be im so jealous.**

**TT: Yeah, what a fucking treat. **

**TT: A living room corpse party every goddamn day. **

**GT: I know right!**

**GT: Alas i had to dispose of the body with haste so the monsters wouldnt eat her.**

**GT: So i just made a little camp fire and burned it. I keep the ashes deep in the ruins which is where i think she liked it best.**

**GT: Hopefully there isnt an earthquake or something that would knock the urn over in a predictable and hilarious fashion.**

**TT: No way man. **

**TT: I'd bet my bottom boonbuck that shit's eternally safe. **

**TT: That urn's like the Fort Knox of standing upright forever because of no accidents. **

**GT: Heheh yeah.**

**GT: So then after camping out the next day i went exploring and found my room globe mostly intact sitting in the jungle so thats where i lived since.**

**GT: And thats pretty much it!**

**GT: I sure miss my grandma though she was the best.**

**TT: She was definitely very brave, if the stories are true. Downright audacious, I'd say. **

**GT: What did you hear?**

**TT: Well, like I said. She was raised by the Baroness. It was probably a worse childhood than either of us had.**

**TT: She wasn't related obviously. Ain't nobody's related to a damn fish alien. Except other fish aliens probably.**

**TT: She had an adoptive brother too. Life must have been miserable for both of them.**

**GT: Yes i vaguely remember her mentioning him. **

**GT: Cripes the things she told me now that i think about it. She said the witch even killed her dog! **

**GT: Is that true? **

**TT: I don't know, but wouldn't doubt it.**

**TT: There are other urban legends that she did a lot of experiments on animals and people. Mostly to do with mind control.**

**TT: Like figuring out ways to unlock all of her psychic alien potential, to increase her power.**

**TT: Not sure if that's true, or if it was actually successful though.**

**GT: So what youre saying is pretty much any unspeakably horrible thing she could have done she probably did? **

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: Anyway, your grandma managed to run away when she was quite young. Maybe it was a traumatic event like dog murder that prompted her to flee, who knows.**

**TT: Whatever the case, her bro stayed behind. The guy must have been seriously immune to witnessing fucked up shit, because he went on to be a famous comedian. A real kindly old cornball. A nicer guy you couldn't hope to meet, they say.**

**GT: Haha wow. Must have been a hell of a guy. **

**TT: So...**

**TT: You're not making any connections there?**

**GT: Where? Huh? **

**TT: Famous comedian, about the age of your grandma, inheriting the family name of the Baroness...**

**TT: Not ringing a bell?**

**GT: What are you talking about! Dirk stop speaking in riddles and keep telling the story i am on tenterhooks here! **

**TT: Ok, well it's not like it's that important. Just a super obvious thing that'll probably occur to you later when you're looking in the fridge you don't have, at which point you'll feel like an idiot.**

**GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro! **

**TT: Nah, it'll be funnier this way.**

**GT: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR! **

**TT: Moving on.**

**TT: That kid kept the family name but obviously your grandma didn't. **

**TT: She must've held a grudge against the Baroness her whole life. She started by taking a different name she knew would stick in her craw. **

**GT: Oh! I remember this.**

**GT: I believe she said the witch used to be married to a terrible man named english.**

**GT: So because the witch really hated that guy she took on his name as sort of a big ole fuck you to the woman?**

**TT: That's probably close to the truth, but it sounds like the kind of story an old lady tells her young grandson in a way he would understand. Or at least wouldn't scare the shit out of him. **

**TT: What I've read is something much more sinister, as usual. **

**TT: There's supposedly only one thing the Baroness fears, and your grandma learned of this somehow. **

**TT: It wasn't an ex husband though. It was her superior. Some kind of demon, or another alien, no one really knows. But he went by the name English. He's supposedly even more brutal than she is, if you can believe that. **

**GT: So im named after a demon? What kind of demon is named english anyway?**

**TT: What kind of alien is named Crocker? It's probably just a name he stole from someone else, like the Baroness did. **

**GT: I guess its kind of cool being named after a demon whos so scary even the witch is afraid of him.**

**TT: Yeah, well, your grandma thought so. **

**TT: Everything she did in life thereafter seemed to be in effort to piss off the batterwitch. **

**TT: Like starting a competing tech company, heavily branded in a way that was presumably intended to remind the Baroness of her boss. **

**TT: Like with skulls and garish colors and shit. The dude is some kind of skull monster I guess? **

**GT: I love skulls!**

**TT: I know.**

**TT: It was definitely brave on her part, but ultimately it got her a bankrupt company, a blown up house, and a fork through the torso for her trouble. **

**TT: But she must have been the first to understand how dangerous the Baroness was, while acting in covert opposition. **

**TT: Others would follow, and continue to as of now, in your time period. **

**GT: These are your ancestors?**

**TT: Yeah, mine and Roxy's were among them. **

**GT: Anyone ive heard of?**

**TT: Of course. All these fuckers are totally famous, obviously.**

**GT: Oh sure obviously.**

**TT: We've talked about the guy I'm genetically derived from a lot actually. **

**TT: Like, you know, every time I've ever talked about my bro? **

**GT: Gadzooks of course!**

**GT: With all your future mindfuckery you made me completely forget about your vaunted hollywood sibling.**

**GT: I shoulda asked where he fit into the picture if you were raised alone. I can be dumb as a bag of penny candy sometimes.**

**TT: Sometimes. **

**TT: Other times you're on point, like a bag of the nickel shit.**

**GT: Whoa now those are the sweets kept in reserve for millionaires. Such flattery!**

**TT: Ok, what we're sayin' stopped meaning anything, so I'll continue. **

**GT: Right. So then he was never actually your bro?**

**TT: No, that's just kind of how I view him. **

**TT: Lalonde took a more maternal view of her ancestor. **

**GT: The lady who wrote all the dreary wizard books i presume?**

**TT: Yeah, the CotL series. Ever read it?**

**GT: No i tried its too depressing. And also uh kind of impossible to understand?**

**GT: I told roxy i liked it though i didnt want to hurt her feelings so dont say i said that.**

**GT: I think ill wait for the movies to come out i bet ill like those better.**

**TT: You don't say? **

**GT: I do say! Hey you mustve seen them what being in the future are they any good?**

**TT: They are not. **

**GT: Phooey to that. Like i even believe you!**

**TT: The books are pretty interesting though, if somewhat dense.**

**TT: They're supposedly heavily allegorical. Veiled representations of cosmic events surrounding the witch and her boss and how all this came about. **

**TT: It's the kind of thing you wouldn't pick up on unless you were someone who understood what happened, like the Condesce, which was kind of the point. I think it was her way of letting the witch know, "I'm on to you." **

**TT: In the early days of the resistance movement they both opposed her more indirectly, through their art, like critics of tyrannical governments often used to. **

**TT: They had to be careful. Didn't want to make big waves too early. **

**TT: My bro did this too with his many fine films. **

**TT: Practically everything was a symbol for something. Either in mockery of the batterwitch, or conveying some hidden message to its audience. Each film was always rigorously picked apart for its head-scratching symbolic meaning. **

**TT: But he managed to accomplish all that without ever compromising the purity of his ironic vision, which I think was admirable.**

**GT: Fuck yes the sbahj films RULE.**

**GT: Screw the haters! Thats what i say.**

**TT: You also say that about Weekend at Bernies. **

**GT: Man that is a scandalous mischaracterization. Nobody hates weekend at bernies!**

**GT: The WAB films are generally regarded as so unremarkably mediocre they dont even attract any trolls who care enough to shit on it. Believe me ive tried to get in debates with people about it!**

**TT: Yeah, you pretty much touche'd the fuck out of that. **

**TT: But we are definitely in agreement about my bro's films as the masterstrokes they were. **

**TT: He just kept cranking them out, too. He really stepped up production after 11/11/11, even though the cat was finally out of the bag. He was very dedicated to his craft. **

**GT: Dang i can hardly wait to see them!**

**TT: Yeah. I wouldn't hold your breath about that. **

**GT: Why not?**

**TT: Man, fuck it. I'll just send you them. **

**GT: !**

**TT: Just keep a lid on them. We don't need any weird causality shit rearing its head here. That would be dumb. **

**GT: I will guard each glistening compression artifact with my life, as if a jewel pilfered from a tomb.**

**TT: Which was the last you saw? **

**GT: Well there was sbahj the movovie and sbahj the the film...**

**GT: Oh yeah and sbahaj the movle. I think sbahj the moive is still in production right?**

**GT: But honestly i get confused about which particular misspelling is attributed to which film or even if im getting the misspellings right.**

**TT: The key to sorting it all out is to understand it doesn't actually matter. **

**TT: Through video streaming services he would frequently set it up so that buying a certain title would ship you the wrong film. **

**TT: And often titles for movies were available for sale that just straight up didn't exist. Or would be sold for dollar amounts that made no sense, like $2.890.1. And sometimes buying a download would actually deposit money into your account instead of deducting from it. **

**TT: It was all part of the "experience."**

**GT: Your forebears are certainly entrepreneurial if nothing else.**

**GT: I can get behind the idea of making a killing if it means i also get to be as good at doing adventures as i hope to be.**

**GT: Did they ever bring the battle to the witchs doorstep or were the blows dealt strictly through public masquerades and theatrics?**

**TT: Yeah, they got pretty deep into the shit eventually. **

**TT: They were both very skilled combatants. I'm pretty sure she had some weird powers too. **

**GT: Powers you say?**

**TT: Communion with occult forces. Something like that. **

**TT: She knew things. Had visions. It's why she was able to write those books, and more importantly, why Roxy and I were able to survive here. **

**GT: How?**

**TT: They knew we would be here some day. So they prepared for our arrival. **

**TT: I live in what used to be my bro's old apartment four hundred years ago. The whole city is gone, but this one unit was somehow protected. **

**TT: He left some supplies for me here. Like a lifetime supply of orange soda in the crawl space, along with a fuck ton of SBaHJ merch. It was like discovering my own personal holocaust of bulbous jutting bottoms. **

**TT: Plus some weapons, some other gear. And a killer pair of shades. **

**TT: Roxy's mom used to live in her place too, and left some stuff she might need lying around. This was way before there were Carapacian colonies though. **

**TT: I think her house must have been a kind of kernelized structure, like a potential colony. Something built to undergo modular self replication if activated. **

**TT: I'm sure her mom knew that. It's been a good way for Rox to blend in. **

**TT: I stick out like a sore thumb here of course, but it hasn't really been a problem yet. **

**GT: So...**

**GT: They knew you would show up in the future some day and prepared for that...**

**GT: Doesn't that mean they also knew they weren't going to be able to stop the witch?**

**TT: Probably. **

**TT: But they went down fighting anyway. **

**GT: Wow.**

**GT: Thats brave and kind of sad.**

**TT: Yeah. But wouldn't you? **

**GT: Of course!**

**GT: You always go down guns blazing. Thats what a hero does when he loves adventure and has guns.**

**GT: If theres one thing movies have taught me besides the fact that guys using a corpse as a silly puppet is friggin HILARIOUS it is THAT FACT.**

**TT: It's not like their rebellion was totally futile. **

**TT: They took a lot of shitheads down with them. **

**GT: Who?**

**TT: Sympathizers. **

**GT: Eugh! Just the thought of such scoundrels turns my stomach!**

**TT: They should. **

**TT: In order for you to understand, I'll have to fill you in on the ridiculous final gasps of human civilization, taking place over the several decades leading up to its absolute enslavement. **

**TT: The decades which immediately followed the "rebranding."**


	182. Book 11 Chapter 10: Rebranding

Chapter 10: Rebranding

**TT: As I mentioned, Crockercorp's rebranding on 3-11, as it was often referred to in the news, totally changed everything.**

**TT: It marked the beginning of a completely shameless downward spiral of western civilization, through a series of events that were probably hard to notice at the time, but quite glaring when evaluated historically.**

**TT: Though the Baroness made very few substantive gestures of aggression, the global fear of her looming threat would trigger all the changes she needed.**

**TT: Governments prepared for war, as if to defend against the invading alien armies she undoubtedly commanded.**

**TT: But of course, she had no army. She was always the only of her kind.**

**TT: Instead, the world powers were only setting about to build her armies for her.**

**TT: The media deteriorated into this preposterous circus that was in all practical ways inseparable from the power base and government institutions.**

**TT: Popular entertainers became dangerous demagogues, and their roles in the media blurred with those of executive authority.**

**TT: And the most dangerous were the ones who fed into the fear and hysteria most effectively.**

**TT: These tended to be plants. Unscrupulous shills paid by the Baroness to move her agenda forward.**

**GT: Dang.**

**GT: I would like to think i will not be suckered by their silvery tongues whenever they come along.**

**TT: Well the thing is, most of them are already on the scene in your time.**

**GT: Who!**

**TT: Ever hear of Guy Fieri?**

**GT: No?**

**GT: I dont think so.**

**TT: You're fortunate then.**

**TT: He was an especially degenerate piece of filth.**

**TT: He used his connections and guile to wriggle into the spotlight, and then on to other positions of power.**

**TT: He somehow landed on the U.S. Supreme Court. Over the years, other justices started mysteriously disappearing without being replaced.**

**TT: After helping rewrite the constitution to form an incomprehensible patchwork of fascism, theocratic mandates, recipes, and bad rap lyrics, he weaseled his way up the ranks to become the High Chaplain of Interstellar War.**

**TT: I'm just gonna cut to the chase, cause really this ain't a big history lesson here.**

**TT: He eventually came to be regarded as the third and final Antichrist.**

**TT: No other human in history was responsible for more death and suffering.**

**GT: That boorish cur!**

**TT: Yes, that's exactly the phrase I would use to describe someone responsible for the extermination of five billion people. **

**TT: It was just so uncivilized of him. **

**GT: How could such an atrocity be allowed to happen?**

**GT: Was his personal magnetism really that overwhelming?**

**TT: Maybe overwhelming in the wrong direction, yeah. **

**TT: But it didn't happen overnight. It was a gradual decline in the integrity of the system that allowed it. **

**TT: Eventually the wheels came off and the political scene mirrored the absurdity of the media circus. **

**TT: By the time Presidents Jay and Dope were elected, western civilization had officially fucked itself over forever, and I think everyone knew it. **

**GT: Oh no.**

**GT: When does that happen?**

**TT: 2024. The last free election the world would ever see. **

**GT: So like...**

**GT: They were on the ticket together? As president and vice president?**

**TT: No, man. **

**TT: They were both president. **

**TT: They were the first Dual-Presidents of the United States of America. Also the last. **

**TT: They were also the first and last juggalo presidents. The founding fathers warned us about this, but nobody listened. **

**GT: They did? Warned us about what exactly?**

**TT: The Mirthful Executives. **

**TT: George Washington had prophetic nightmares about them. He tried to warn people, and get language amended to the constitution to prevent it. **

**TT: Like forbidding the election of what he famously described as "a pair of salty bards," or "unruly jesters given to the sweet drink." **

**TT: But everyone just thought he toked too hard on the colonial cannabis or whatever. **

**GT: Im not sure i follow. These are like clown presidents or such?**

**TT: Yes. They were a shitty rap duo from your time. **

**TT: But they ran a hell of a campaign. By then the juggalo party had gotten huge. While the numerous other candidates split the moderate vote, they retained a very energized and devoted base. **

**TT: You could say their party had a big tent. **

**GT: Dirk i really dislike the future you are describing.**

**TT: Hey me too. **

**TT: They were swept into office on a wave of Faygo, and the presidential inauguration was the biggest Gathering of the Juggalos of all time. **

**TT: They all hosed each other down on the Whitehouse lawn with shitty soda. The "D.C." in the capital thereafter officially stood for "Dark Carnival." **

**TT: Of course their campaign was helped considerably by having support from the Baroness. **

**TT: In retrospect, people developed the impression that it was all a part of her sick sense of humor. **

**TT: There was this sense that she just loved the idea of delegating the extreme subjugation of the world's population to a pair of demented clown rappers. **

**TT: Some have speculated this was just another way she was attempting to resurrect her previous model of governance, though this seems kinda far fetched to me. **

**TT: Who the fuck ever heard of an alien juggalo? To me this is about as stupid as the crackpot theories get.**

**GT: I still dont really know what a juggalo is.**

**GT: Do they juggle?**

**TT: Don't worry about it. **

**TT: People were less prepared for a double juggalo presidency than they ever imagined. **

**TT: I'm not even going to get into all the horrifying details. Trust me, you just start to feel dirty reading about it. **

**TT: From the moment Fieri held up the bible to swear them in, and the three of them proceeded to publically defecate on it while freestyling rap lyrics... **

**TT: That was it. Everyone in the world watching it on TV just said, "Welp. Show's over. Civilization was pretty cool while it lasted." **

**TT: The next several grueling terms of their presidency was a weird combination of authoritarian practices. The Baroness used it as a puppet regime, while still basically giving them carte blanche to carry out their idiotic whims. **

**TT: Faygo was pumped through the plumbing instead of tap water. The new national pastime was having type 2 diabetes. And the national anthem was replaced by a 3 minute high-reverb audio clip of President Jay farting into a microphone while laughing.**

**TT: Chaplain Fieri was authorized to set up the death camps, in which anyone on the planet could be imprisoned if they were not deemed sufficiently "mirthful." **

**TT: And so the cleansing began, priming humanity for its new ruler waiting in the wings. **

**TT: This was when our ancestors had enough. **

**TT: The resistance movement had failed, but they could at least bring the war criminals to justice. **

**TT: My bro finally caught up with the presidents and challenged them to a duel. **

**TT: They accepted, having for years regarded him as a cocky rival rapper who failed to show them the proper respect. In their arrogance they invited him into the foul belly of the Carnival believing they could teach him once and for all what it truly meant to be down with the clown. **

**TT: For centuries thereafter, survivors of the Hilarocaust would cite the rooftop showdown as one of the most heroic moments in human history.**

**TT: He killed them both.**

**TT: Unfortunately, as they were only figureheads, no liberation followed. There would be no parades in the streets, or statues cast, or medals awarded. **

**TT: The few witnesses would report seeing only a man with a sword on a shitty skateboard, gently rising into the night sky.**

**TT: No one ever saw him again.**

**TT: Meanwhile, Roxy's mom was tracking down the High Chaplain. **

**TT: His crimes had already been committed. She couldn't repay them by any stretch of the imagination. **

**TT: But she could wipe the blood stained grin off that fat bastard's face.**

**TT: She gouged his eyes with a pair of needles.**

**TT: And rode his torso to the bottom of the bloody falls.**

**TT: Reports of what happened to our ancestors after that are sketchy. **

**TT: There were no eye witness accounts I've found, but some believe they regrouped and confronted the Condesce herself. **

**TT: With all her high ranking officers dead, and the human population decimated and sufficiently groomed for her arrival, there was no reason to stay behind the scenes anymore. **

**TT: After those dreadful years of putting up with a more vulgar brand of authoritarianism, when she finally stepped forward to claim her throne, it actually came off as somewhat dignified. Elegant, in a way. **

**TT: She was no less severe, but at least she knew how to act like an empress.**

**TT: But even if they did manage to confront her, there was no way they could win. She had too many crazy alien powers. **

**TT: Her boss supposedly had jacked her power level through the roof. I even heard, and don't quote me on this, that she may have been over 9000. **

**GT: Heavens to betsy.**

**GT: That figure is just absurd.**

**TT: Yeah. **

**TT: And that's not even to speak of the generic smorgasbord of other powers she was rumored to have. **

**TT: It gets hard to separate the fact from the urban myth. **

**TT: But for reference, if you want to believe it all, just picture all the X-Men combined into one sexy fish woman in a skin tight suit. **

**GT: Whoa momma.**

**TT: Whatever actually went down, they're surely both dead now.**

**TT: I guess it had to happen like that, though.**

**TT: There's no way the Condesce would allow us to be born within even a century of our genetic forebears. The thought of that was completely disgusting to her.**

**TT: But I really would have liked to be able to meet them.**

**TT: I guess some things would just be too awesome to ever stand a chance of happening.**

**GT: Yeah i know the feeling. :( **

**GT: Wait... **

**TT: What?**

**GT: Dirk didnt you tell me at some point that you did find evidence the witch killed them? **

**TT: As of now? No.**

**GT: Are you sure? I SWEAR i remember you saying something about that. **

**TT: How could I have said anything like that before today? This was obviously the first time I mentioned any of this.**

**GT: Oh. **

**GT: I am just having the NUTTIEST deja vu thing going on now. I feel weird. **

**TT: ...**

**GT: I guess i am mistaken. Never mind.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I will disregard your anomalous observation for now and continue conversing as if it never happened.**

**GT: Right. Good plan. **

**GT: Um. **

**GT: Anyhoo thats a heck of a tragic and thrilling tale dirk. **

**GT: I am still totally cockeyed and catawampus about it all i dont even know what to think. **

**TT: But you believe me, right?**

**GT: Oh yeah every word of it! **

**TT: Wow.**

**GT: Why shouldnt i? You are my friend and i trust you. **

**TT: I still just think it's impressive, is all. Even after all this time. You are pretty much a one of a kind dude.**

**GT: Heh not really i just like believing stuff and believing in people. **

**GT: Wait what do you mean? **

**TT: About what?**

**GT: When you said after all this time? **

**GT: You just told me now! **

**TT: Yes.**

**GT: Hang on. **

**GT: Blarg! The deja vuey shit is happening again! **

**GT: Okay i am SURE weve had this conversation before so many things are familiar. **

**GT: I remember you saying the one of a kind dude thing and i remember saying the word catawampus and... **

**GT: All of it! **

**GT: Whats going on? **

**TT: Took you long enough to figure it out.**

**TT: Pages really are a slow burning class. Damn.**

**GT: Figure what out! **

**TT: You're asleep.**

**GT: Oh. **

**GT: Thats right. I fell off the platform thing and i guess i got knocked out? **

**TT: Yep.**

**GT: So im dreaming. **

**TT: Kinda.**

**TT: It's a dream bubble.**

**GT: Whats that? **

**TT: A place in the infinite abyss where sleeping people can share dreams with each other while revisiting memories.**

**TT: Also where they can meet dead people.**

**GT: So we are sharing a dream together? **

**GT: And youre currently asleep too? Uh. Currently in the future? **

**TT: No.**

**TT: Even if I was, I wouldn't visit a dream bubble. That only happens when your dream self is dead, like yours is.**

**TT: Mine is not.**

**GT: Hm. I guess i understand? **

**GT: So whats the deal then? Wait. **

**GT: You said this is where they meet dead people too... **

**GT: Shit! Dirk are you dead? Are you a ghost!? **

**TT: No, dude. Chill. I'm fine.**

**GT: Then what the fuck is going on! Who am i talking to? **

**TT: Well, who are the people you talk to when you have a regular dream?**

**GT: What? Uh... **

**TT: Like just a boring normal dream, and there's a person you're talking to. Who is that?**

**GT: I dont know? **

**TT: It's nobody. Just a projection of your own mind.**

**TT: Dream bubbles don't always need to be shared by dreamers or dead people. You can go to sleep and wake up in one alone, reliving an old memory.**

**TT: Kind of like a normal dream. Until you remember it's just a memory, which is where we are now.**

**GT: Okay. **

**GT: So. **

**GT: I am having like a lucid dreamy thing in a magic bubble and you are just like a figment of my imagination? **

**TT: Yes, basically.**

**GT: So im talking to myself! Thats kind of stupid! **

**TT: Well, yeah. But not quite.**

**TT: You could view me as a projection of the real Dirk within your mind, as expressed through all of your thought patterns about him.**

**TT: So I'm kind of a splinter of his corporeal self who happens to live in your awareness.**

**TT: I'm a startlingly close approximation to the real thing, for all intents and purposes.**

**GT: Just how startlingly close are we talking? **

**TT: I'm not going to give you a bogus percentage like the glasses cause that's not my shtick.**

**TT: But pretty damn close.**

**GT: Okay thats fair. **

**GT: But. **

**GT: Man. **

**GT: There is something that feels kind of weird about this. You being in my head... its a little messed up! **

**TT: What's messed up about it?**

**TT: You were the one who put me here, with your intimate understanding of all his mannerisms and predilections.**

**TT: And a splintered existence is pretty much how he rolls.**

**TT: This is how shit is bro.**

**GT: Ok im sorry for saying its messed up but... **

**GT: Its still a bit frustrating! Ive been trying to talk to you all day. **

**GT: But all i get is your pesky responder bedeviling me at every turn and your friggin robot punching me across the ocean and then throwing a weird tantrum and ripping his nuclear heart out in front of me. **

**GT: And if that werent enough i tumbled off the doohickey and knocked myself out and now im strolling down memory lane with your fake brain ghost! **

**GT: Its like you are surrounding me from all sides with imitations of yourself but never the REAL YOU! **

**GT: Cheese and fucking crackers when do i just get to talk to the actual dirk? **

**TT: Jake, what do you even know about someone's actual self?**

**TT: What makes it actual? What is "actuality?"**

**GT: What a horseshitty question! **

**GT: I dont know anything about actuality i guess but i know some philosobabble horseshit when i dadblasted hear it. **

**TT: I'm just saying, this isn't really your field of expertise.**

**TT: Dirk is the heart guy. He's the one walking the path of self, even when he doesn't know it. Like right now.**

**GT: But what does that mean? **

**GT: And how can you really be made of only my thoughts when i dont even know what youre talking about sometimes? **

**GT: Or when i didnt know some of the things youre telling me? Like about being in a dream bubble? **

**GT: How can i tell myself about that stuff through brain ghost dirk! **

**TT: Who says you don't know those things on some level?**

**GT: I dont think i do! **

**GT: I have no business knowing those things. **

**TT: Pages have a lot of untapped potential.**

**TT: That's practically all there is to the class, actually.**

**TT: But when they eventually find it, look out.**

**TT: And the ones who deal in hope? Shit, man.**

**TT: I'm scared of you already, and I'm not even real.**


	183. Book 11 Chapter 11: Brain Ghost Dirk

Extra Update!

-Morn

* * *

Chapter 11: Brain Ghost Dirk

The brain ghost Dirk flickered before him.

**GT: Are you sure you arent real?**

**GT: No offense but I kind of get the same smartass vibe from you as i do from the responder.**

**GT: Like har har i have the same basic personality as dirk but without any accountability or anything so let me just be kind of flippant and mess with this jake fellas head!**

**GT: You know what im saying?**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: That's a surprisingly decent observation about me.**

**GT: Yeah see i think i maybe did a little TOO good of a job brain cloning you? This is way too much like talking to the REAL fake dirk.**

**GT: Holy cow what a dumb sentence that was.**

**TT: You did do a good job.**

**TT: A perfect job, in fact.**

**TT: Untapped potential, remember?**

**TT: I don't think one of Dirk's splinters could exist nearly as well in anyone's mind other than yours.**

**GT: Well thats just spiffy for me but im starting to feel somewhat like im being haunted by you now.**

**GT: I just want to talk to my real buddy. And by real i just mean the ORIGINAL GUY.**

**TT: What do you even want to say to him?**

**GT: Oh i dont know.**

**TT: It's not like you can keep any secrets from me here.**

**TT: I pretty much am your brain.**

**GT: Aaah! No dont say that its so weird.**

**TT: You do realize he's coming for you.**

**TT: Dirk. In the real world. The man has his designs.**

**GT: Yes. I know.**

**TT: Wanna talk about it?**

**GT: With you? No! Thats like...**

**GT: Thats like talking to him about it which is like really jumping the gun i think.**

**TT: What better chance is there to try talking about it than with a stunt double for your hyper-aggressive suitor within the safety and privacy of your own mind?**

**GT: But i cant yet! I just cant.**

**GT: There are some feelings im not sure how to put into words yet and doing it in front of you whether youre a stunt double or brain puppet or whatever it just makes me feel uncomfortable!**

**TT: So there are feelings you don't want to try to put into words, even while you are dwelling entirely within the realm of your own mind?**

**GT: Yes.**

**GT: What is so hard to understand about that?**

**TT: What about the spider ghost?**

**GT: Huh?**

**TT: The girl you saw.**

**TT: When you got fucking clobbered by Dirk's robot and you passed out.**

**TT: You dreamed about a spider ghost alien girl.**

**GT: Oh yeah.**

**GT: What about her?**

**TT: You like her.**

**GT: Man what?**

**GT: Thats dumb i saw her for three seconds and she waved at me and i woke up!**

**TT: Yeah, and it took all of three seconds for you to fall in love with the cute spider ghost.**

**GT: Why do you keep calling her a ghost?**

**TT: Cause she's been dead for a zillion years, dude.**

**GT: Oh. Well.**

**GT: Holy shit?**

**TT: That won't change the fact that you like her, let's not pretend it will.**

**TT: You're going to make things complicated for yourself.**

**GT: No i wont.**

**TT: Yeah you will. You're too fuckin' wishy washy.**

**TT: Between Dirk, spider ghost, Jane...**

**TT: Man, poor Jane.**

**GT: What? What about jane?**

**TT: You tell me.**

**TT: What was even the deal with that?**

**GT: Our last chat ended on very pleasant and amicable terms! She was upbeat and chipper as ever. I fail to see what reason one might have to feel sorry for her.**

**TT: Uh, yeah. You totally read her like a book.**

**TT: Really handled that conversation like a champ.**

**GT: Wait... didnt i?**

**TT: Look out bitches. It's Jake "Casanova Ladyslayer" English. He's packing heat, and is frequently able to parse the literal meaning of things women say.**

**GT: What are you getting at!**

**TT: We're running out of time.**

**TT: She'll be here soon.**

**GT: Jane?!**

**TT: No, doofus.**

**TT: Spider ghost.**

**GT: Whoa...**

**GT: Whoa ok.**

**GT: Where? Wait. She is?**

**GT: Oh fuck.**

**TT: Look at you. I'm telling you.**

**TT: Three damn seconds of ogling an alien in a blue dress, and you're completely hopeless.**

**TT: Stop fidgeting around like that. Your hair looks fine.**

**TT: Do you want me to tell you how your breath smells?**

**GT: Screw you!**

**GT: I am cool as SUCH a cucumber.**

**TT: Ok then.**

**GT: Uh.**

**GT: Why does my breath not smell ok?**

**TT: You're dreaming, Jake.**

**TT: Your breath is only a thing if your brain wants it to be.**

**GT: Oh okay whew.**

**GT: When is she coming? Why is she visiting my dreams?**

**TT: Soon.**

**TT: She's been waiting for the right time to enter. Waiting for you to snap out of the memory.**

**TT: Clearly the girl has the patience of a saint.**

**GT: Alright...**

**GT: Dang! Its warm in this dream bubble. How can i be sweating in a dream?**

**GT: Where do i keep the dream towels...**

**TT: Will you calm the fuck down?**

**TT: I'm a figment of your imagination, and you're still making me nervous.**

**GT: But really who is she? Whats her deal and what does she want from me?**

**GT: Since all this so called untapped potential in my subconscious taking the form of yet another sassy dirk clone seems to know everything would it be ok if i troubled my own brain for a few flipping answers?**

**TT: You should try to be more polite to me. Seeing as I am a representation of your entire mind, I have complete control over all your basic functions.**

**TT: I could trigger a particularly spirited bowel movement right before she gets here, so watch your step.**

**GT: Augh no no no im sorry im sorry dont!**

**TT: Just kidding, dude. Jesus.**

**TT: I would never make you shit your pants in front of a girl you liked, even if she does happen to be my chief competition.**

**TT: We Dirk splinters can be pretty Machiavellian but we do actually have some fuckin' standards.**

**GT: Okay. Thank you for promising to keep my trousers tidy.**

**TT: Anyway, she's visiting now to bring you into the loop on some things.**

**TT: Important details you should know about your relation to the bigger picture.**

**TT: The much, much bigger picture.**

**GT: I still dont understand how you know... or excuse me MY BRAIN knows this stuff. Because im a page? How does that make sense?**

**GT: And also if you know the things she will say why dont you just tell me the things?**

**TT: Intuition and the subconscious mind are powerful things when harnessed the right way.**

**TT: As for why I don't tell you, why not just let her tell you?**

**TT: You're the one with the damn crush on her.**

Aranea appeared in Jake's room.

**GT: Ok dude shes here shoosh!**

**TT: I know.**

**GT: Oh man. Ummmm...**

**TT: What the fuck are you looking at me for?**

**TT: Say something to her, jackass.**

**GT: Okay i will i will youre distracting me though! Can you scoot over a bit?**

**TT: Oh my god. Fine.**

**GT: Hi there! Welcome! Er...**

**GT: Dont mind him hes just a brain clone of my best friend. I know that sounds crazy. Heh.**

**TT: Bro, she can't even see or hear me.**

**TT: You're making a fool of yourself.**

**GT: Wait she cant? Why didnt you tell me that! You are really throwing me off here.**

**TT: I don't know, I guess I didn't think you were going to have a neurotic meltdown at the sight of a girl.**

**GT: I thought you were supposed to know stuff like that seeing as you are LITERALLY MY BRAIN!**

**TT: God dammit, will you just chillax and woo this fucking ghost babe?**

**GT: How can i chillax when you keep talking to me its really disconcerting!**

**TT: You are totally embarrassing yourself, dude. You're talking to nobody.**

**TT: Man, I'm starting to feel bad for spider ghost. Look at her, she's getting uncomfortable.**

**GT: Shhhh just SHUT UP i cant THINK!**

**TT: You are being so lame, I don't care if I'm a figment of your imagination or not, I can't take this bullshit.**

**TT: Either you get your shit together and put the moves on this dead space vixen or I start fucking with your cortex and make you pop a dream boner.**

**GT: OH GOD NO DONT YOU DARE!**

**TT: You don't think I'll do it?**

**GT: NO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A BONER DIRK!**

**TT: Sorry Jake. The plan's in motion.**

**TT: Next stop, Boner City.**

**GT: SO THAT WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG?**

**GT: TO GIVE ME A BONER?**

**TT: And you**

**TT: ...**

**TT: ...**

**TT: ...**

**TT: ...**

**TT: Got one.**

**GT: YOU MOTHER FUCKER!**

**GT: OH...**

**GT: OH TEE HEE A FALSE ALARM I SEE VERY FUNNY COOL GUY!**

**GT: I THINK YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT!**

**GT: YOURE BLUFFING YOU DONT EVEN HAVE THE POWER TO GIVE ME A PHANTASMAL ERECTION!**

**TT: Jake, please.**

**TT: Members of the juggalo party aren't the only ones who can pitch a big tent.**

**GT: THEN GO AHEAD! MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!**

**GT: IM READY FOR YOU. YOU THINK IM AFRAID? ILL TAKE YOUR BONER MAGIC LIKE A MAN!**

**GT: IM NOT ASHAMED! I WILL STAND TALL AND PROUD AT FULL MAST IN FRONT OF THIS PRETTY ALIEN!**

**GT: DO YOUR WORST YOU BASTARD!**

**TT: This is so stupid.**

**TT: You are out of your mind. And this is coming from your mind itself.**

**TT: I can't even watch this, I'm out of here.**

**GT: WELL GOOD RIDDANCE TO IRONIC HIPSTER DOUCHEWAD RUBBISH IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT!**

**TT: I wonder what Jack's up to right now.**

**GT: WHAT?**

**GT: I mean... what? Whos jack?**

**TT: Just talk to the girl, ok?**

**TT: You have some damage control to do.**


	184. Book 11 Chapter 12: Jack: Jailbreak

Chapter 12: Jack: Jailbreak

Jack Noir woke up locked in a deserted jail cell, completely alone. There was nothing at all in his cell, useful or otherwise. He looked around for something to pry open his window, but there were no objects around with which to do so. Look at that, same situation as he'd been in to begin with. He'd advanced nothing whatsoever with that dumb idea. He'd need to start making better decisions if he wanted to escape.

He tried to pick up the key on the ground. What did he not understand about "nothing at all in his cell, useful or otherwise." There was no key. It was an extremely crude drawing of a key on the floor. Really, the drawing was so bad, it was ridiculous to think that some prankster had thought it would fool him, which it had. Whoever had drawn this key clearly had been employing the most primitive drawing tools available. Jack was obviously being fucked with in this stupid jail cell. He expected that he would continue to be fucked with, and it made him wish he could stab something.

Jack decided to get the pumpkin. WHAT FUCKING PUMPKIN. THERE WAS NO PUMPKIN. ONCE AGAIN, THERE WAS NOTHING AT ALL IN HIS CELL, USEFUL OR oh god dammit. Ok, a pumpkin appeared on a small transportalizer. He figured it must be feeding time for the prisoners. These Prospitian jails were like luxury suites compared to the penal system on Derse. Should be the softest time he ever did.

He thought about consuming the pumpkin, but that would be a horrible idea. He didn't eat fresh produce. The thought was revolting to him. What did he think these sharp teeth were for? Or… what was left of them at least.

He'd have to make a note to file a protest with his lawyer. Complain of cruel and unusual treatment. Their coddling criminal justice system would undoubtedly see to it that he was given some proper meat to consume. Perhaps a prime cut of filet mignon, as if he was a guest of honor. What a bunch of powder puffs, with all their namby pamby morals and compassion. This kingdom made him sick.

He stepped up on the little curby thing along the edge of the cell to get a better look outside through the window. He couldn't make a plan without getting his bearings.

A lone sentry was on duty below. Jack shouted a few obscenities his way. He wondered aloud what a guy had to do to get a decent meal around here. Hey, he was _talking_ to that guy. It was no use though. The carapacian guard ignored him.

Just look at that stoic face. The unshakeable discipline. The stalwart sense of duty and pride. This is what it meant to be a member of the Prospitian Royal Guard. What a load of shit, he grumbled to himself, but loud enough so that the guy below could hear.

That guy wouldn't be of any use. He doubted he could even manage to lure him into his pissing radius, impressive though it was. He turned around and gave the pitiful gourd a little kick. A terrible thought occurred to him. What if he had no choice but to eat this awful thing? He couldn't let it come to that. He had to get out of there. Hold on, what was that…?

Carved into the outside of the pumpkin were the words "please look inside!" followed by the clubs symbol. Eureka. Droll, you beautiful bastard. It looked like he'd snuck something inside the pumpkin to help him escape. Probably a bomb. He was going to have to remember to give the Droll a promotion when he got out of there. Or at least reduce his daily newspaper floggings.

He needed to think of a way to get the bomb out of there. He couldn't just smash the pumpkin with his foot, or it might explode and take his leg off. Too bad they'd confiscated his knives or he could've sliced the thing open neatly. Maybe even have carved a funny face into it. Heh heh, he bet he was the first guy who'd ever thought of doing that.

Hang on. He remembered having seen some pointy things just outside the window. Luckily both kingdoms were totally covered in pointy things. You couldn't swing a dead cat without impaling it on one. He snapped off a golden pointy thing. Should be sharp enough to do the trick.

It sliced through the meat of the vegetable like a sharp spire through thick squash. This was working so well. Who the hell needed a trusty knife when he was this resourceful? Screw knives! He took it back, he couldn't stay mad at knives.

He could taste his liberation already. He couldn't wait to hear the sweet ticking of the bomb that was definitely in there. That would be the sweet sound of freedom, he decided. He pulled off the lid to reveal…

A whole bunch of knives. God DAMN it, Droll. He'd also included a small card with his face on it, winking, with the words "you're welcome" written in bold capital letters on the edge. He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Although now that he thought about it, the Droll might be by default, since he just sent Jack all the sharpest tools in the shed. Oh well, he could probably get some use out of these. He'd never once been disappointed to receive a pumpkin full of knives, and he was not about to make an exception.

He emptied the contents out onto the floor and took a quick inventory on the smuggled contraband. Hold on. It looked like the Droll had snuck something else in the pumpkin under all the knives. Something… compromising.

It was a copy of Terrier Fancy magazine. The Droll knew what it was like spending long, cold nights alone in the clink. A man needed a little reading material to keep him company, if you know what I mean. If Jack's skin wasn't made of polished jet black carapace, his cheeks would be turning bright red. No one could ever know about this. He must destroy the evidence. Or disguise it somehow.

He forged a blade out of the illicit literature. No one would be the wiser. It was the perfect crime. When he busted out of prison, he should be locked right back up again because of how perfect this crime was.

Jack threw one of the knives down at the guy outside his window to get his attention. Unfortunately, it only kept his attention until he died, which was almost instantly. He needed to come up with a better plan. While he would argue that random stabbing were their own reward, they weren't getting him any closer to escape.

He examined the door to his cell. It was locked tight. He was going to need a key to open it. Preferably one that wasn't horribly drawn on the floor just to taunt him.

Maybe if he knocked hard enough, in just the right way, at just the right time… wait for it… wait for it… wait, no. Not yet. Wait for it… wait… … Now!

His clumsy fist accidentally flew through the bars, knocking out a passer-by. Keys from his key ring jangled onto the floor. It was quite possible one of those keys would unlock his door. But they were all well out of reach now. What next, genius?

He decided to try to use a knife to snag one of those keys on the floor, but it was no use. They were still just outside his modest slashing radius. No dice. Need a different approach. He tossed the knife into the unconscious guard's chest, killing him.

Wait a minute. Another guard noticed his unauthorized tomfoolery and radioed for backup. Crap. He looked none too pleased by Jack's misbehavior. This would surely result in reduced rations. He could expect to find a slightly smaller pumpkin in his cell come Skaia rise, mister. Jack kept beckoning the guard closer. Just a little closer. A little closer…

Jack tried to use a little "persuasion" to see if he could get this second guard to pick up the keys for… Jack no! That is not how you convince someone to do something! You're supposed to save the stabbing until _after_ you intimidate him into doing what you want! How exactly is a dead guy supposed to pick up some keys for you?!

Real smooth, Jack. What's the plan now? To bury the keys under a growing pile of torsos? This is turning out to be the second shittiest jailbreak attempt anyone has ever seen.

Jack looked around the room again. The only remaining thing worth noting was in the other corner of his cell. Just a transport pad prisoners were supposed to use as a waste receptacle. These had been decommissioned in Derse prisons a long time ago. Too many prisoner suicides, and severed heads showing up in the waste bins. None of those auto-decapitations had been authorized with the right paperwork, so privileges had had to be suspended.

He heard the door open and then slam shut. Someone else was in his cell.

It looked like the sentry had phoned downstairs for a little muscle. It was one of the regulator lugs they used to keep the gen pop in line. This guy had an itchy baton wrist and that look in his eye he knew all too well. He wasn't leaving the room until one of them was good and bloody.

The narrative attempted to switch to the point of view of the guy outside the window but it failed because that guy was dead. But the attempt did serve as a convenient cutaway for the vicious beating that was currently taking place in Jack's cell. Don't need to watch that kind of prison brutality. Let's just take our sweet time looking at this dead body while terrible noises can be heard from Jack's prison window.

…

…

…

…

Okay, that should be long enough. We can switch back to watching Jack now. The narrative switched back just in time to see that Jack had just finished quickly and cleanly subduing the…

Jack.

Jack, the man is dead. Stop banging his head against the door.

Jack.

Jack.

JACK.

Jack stopped and started to feel sorry for stabbing that guy with 7 knives in the back and bashing his face into the door 89 times. Well, maybe not all 89 times. For the first 88 he'd felt pretty good. But by the 89th face bashing, he was definitely starting to feel pretty sorry. And by sorry, he guess he meant bored. Anyway, he muttered something under his breath that could easily have sounded like an apology to someone who wasn't listening very well.

But whatever the state of his contrition might be, there could be no question about it. A man dedicated to royal service deserved a proper and dignified funeral. However, since there was no casket in his cell that was nearly big enough for this lug's hefty torso, he'd have to improvise.

He severed the guard's head with his most trusted of all trusty knives and began sizing up that hollowed pumpkin. It would definitely be snug, but he was pretty sure he could make it fit.

He placed it on the pumpkin and smushed it in with his foot, cracking the pumpkin in several places in the process. He didn't care what anyone said. He said this pumpkin was made for this fucker's melon. It fit like a damn glove.

Jack closed the pumpkin by placing the top back on. Perfect. A textbook burial for a man of honor and distinction. The sacrifices made by our public servants didn't get anywhere near the respect they deserved, in his opinion.

But his funeral would not be complete without the proper sendoff. He brought the casket over to the receptacle. A stinking garbage dump was no place for the head of a brave soldier to rest. No, he must first make some modifications to the device. Doing hard time behind bars would motivate a man to learn a trick or two when it came to systems like this. He pried open the sendification panel and switched a few wires around. There. Now instead of a nasty old pile of rotting pumpkin matter, the destination would be the throne room of the Prospitian palace! Surely the queen would want to be alerted to the noble sacrifice of this brave warrior so that arrangements could be made to honor the hero.

He pressed the button and the pumpkin vanished.

The White Queen stood as a pumpkin appeared at her feet. On the side was written "look inside". The "please" and the exclamation mark had been scratched out, and the clubs symbol had been modified into a spades symbol.

Jack could hear the door open again, followed by the sound of surly footsteps. Could it be that another glutton for a good face bashing had decided to visit his cell?

Ah…

It would appear that there were quite a few said gluttons this time. Settle down, gentlemen. There were more than enough face bashings to go around.

The narrative switched to viewing the dead guy again while they beat Jack senseless.

Suddenly, the narrative stopped being from the point of view of the dead guy. It wasn't really possible to have the "point of view" of the guy anyway since he was dead, even though deadness hadn't really stopped the narrative from being from the point of view of guys before.

Nevertheless, the narrative shifted to Jake, who was not a dead guy. Well, his dream self was dead. But his non-dead non-dream self wasn't, and that was the guy we were being, a guy who was asleep. That non-dead sleeping guy was presently talking to a non-sleeping dead ancient spider ghost, who long ago had earned the achievement badge Gift of Gab. And boy did she know how to use it.

**ARANEA: Well, Jake? Don't you have anything to say?**

**JAKE: ...**

**ARANEA: I think I've spent enough time introducing myself! You have hardly said a word.**

**ARANEA: It would 8e nice to know whether my long story has confounded you in any particular way, or if you are just 8eing shy.**

**JAKE: Uh...**

**ARANEA: Yes?**

**ARANEA: Jake, I understand this is very much to learn all at once, 8ut do you really want me to keep speaking until I am 8lue in the face?**

**JAKE: ...**

**JAKE: Gulp!**

**ARANEA: You appear to 8e perspiring heavily.**

**ARANEA: There is no reason to 8e so nervous, especially considering you are only dreaming.**

**JAKE: Shit!**

**JAKE: Sorry. I dont know where i put the dream towels.**

**ARANEA: It's ok.**

**ARANEA: Well, at the risk talking a8out myself a little more, I feel it would 8e dishonest not to confess.**

**JAKE: What?**

**ARANEA: I am a fairly gifted psychic.**

**JAKE: Whoa really?**

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**JAKE: Like you can see the future?**

**JAKE: Are they ghost powers or troll powers? Or wait shucks thats a dumb sounding question.**

**ARANEA: No, that was a fine question. They're troll powers. Sometimes those of my 8lood type will have them naturally.**

**ARANEA: And no, they are not prognosticative a8ilities. They let me access another's mind in a way that can 8e terri8ly invasive if a8used.**

**JAKE: Invasive?**

**ARANEA: Yes. Including the a8ility to control minds, when exploited fully.**

**JAKE: Uh oh.**

**ARANEA: 8ut don't worry. They don't seem to work the same way on your species. They're considera8ly weaker.**

**ARANEA: The most I can do is get an empathic impression of your emotional state.**

**ARANEA: So if I speculate that you are shy or nervous, it is 8ecause I can sense that you are.**

**JAKE: Aw man youre kidding!**

**JAKE: So much for trying to be cool i guess.**

**JAKE: Although i probably blew that when you saw me yelling at nobody about boners and stuff.**

**ARANEA: I wouldn't say you 8lew it, 8ut that was certainly odd.**

**ARANEA: Who were you talking to, if you don't mind my asking?**

**JAKE: That was like...**

**JAKE: The brain ghost memory splinter of my best friend dirk who is stuck in my head and you cant see.**

**JAKE: And he was kinda hassling me and trying to get me to talk to him about how his real self has a thing for me but i kind of think it would be weird to talk to his brain impostor about that? At least for now.**

**JAKE: And then you showed up and you caught me at an awkward moment where he was threatening to make some bodily functions happen in front of you as a joke which would have been embarrassing as all blasted heck.**

**JAKE: But now it turns out you can read my mind too so im surrounded by brain invaders!**

**JAKE: You seem cool aranea but uh when am i going to wake up?**

**ARANEA: I am not a 8rain invader though!**

**ARANEA: I said I can only sense your emotions. I think it's polite to let people know 8efore long. Otherwise I 8egin to feel a 8it underhanded.**

**JAKE: Ok. I guess thats not too bad.**

**JAKE: I think i can keep my feelings buttoned up. That is what strong and adventurous gentlemen do i think. They keep a stiff upper lip even on the inside. That way they are never embarrassed and feel slightly more brave about stuff.**

**ARANEA: 8ut you don't have to! That was not the point of my telling you.**

**ARANEA: I'm used to sensing many things from people. There aren't any feelings you could have that would 8e that surprising to me or compromising to you.**

**ARANEA: I really just want you to relax for the 8rief time we have in this 8u88le and talk to me.**

**JAKE: Um gotcha.**

**JAKE: But what should i talk about?**

**ARANEA: Well, I have spent almost no time examining this iteration of your universe.**

**ARANEA: The gods have given me very little access to it through the memories of others until now.**

**ARANEA: I 8elieve they are finally 8eginning to 8ridge the divides 8etween long estranged compartments of reality, allowing previously unintroduced parties to mingle.**

**ARANEA: Those from different universes, 8oth their initial iterations and their scratched re8oots. Those from different spheres, ones of creative potential and of mortality.**

**ARANEA: Through us all they attempt to 8ring closure to unsanctioned loops and restore sta8ility to the cosmos.**

**ARANEA: So I am curious a8out you and your friends. What is your life like?**

**JAKE: My life?**

**JAKE: I wish i could say it was more interesting but its actually been a mite lackluster.**

**JAKE: There are monsters but i try to stay away from them to tell you the truth.**

**JAKE: Its mostly just me sitting around here watching movies and stuff and sometimes polishing firearms.**

**JAKE: Guns are sweet. So are movies heh. This is a terrible story.**

**ARANEA: I understand. The same is mostly true for myself.**

**ARANEA: I can sense that you are either very impressed or in some way intimidated 8y me, 8ut when it comes down to the 8asics, a description of my life would 8e 8oring as well.**

**ARANEA: Why don't you show me around?**

**JAKE: Show you around my room? Yes ok.**

**JAKE: Well. There are some guns. Like i said guns are great.**

**JAKE: There is a whole mess of movie posters on the wall. You probably never heard of any of them being a dead alien and such.**

**ARANEA: Nope. ::::)**

**JAKE: And...**

**JAKE: I dont know. Theres a desk which i use to work on silly projects. And thats my bed i guess. **

**JAKE: Ummmm and...**

**JAKE: Hmm what else.**

**DIRK: Dude, just FYI, you've been kind of staring at her.**

**JAKE: (What? Shh!)**

**ARANEA: What was that?**

**JAKE: Nothing!**

**DIRK: I'm not trying to fuck you up here, I promise. But you gotta watch what you're thinking, remember?**

**JAKE: (Go away!)**

**DIRK: Oh man. No. See that thought you just had? That's exactly what I'm talking about.**

**DIRK: She's a fucking empath, bro. She can pick up on shit like that.**

**JAKE: (Shhhhh not listening to you.)**

**ARANEA: Jake?**

**JAKE: Nothing! Its cool. Im...**

**DIRK: You have got to be kidding. Did you seriously just think something THAT dirty?**

**DIRK: You must be doing this on purpose to spite me now. I mean, just wow dude. That was x-rated as fuck.**

**JAKE: (No no stop. See youre talking about it and now i cant help it!)**

**JAKE: (You are psyching me into having dirty thoughts get fucking lost you interloping brain douche!)**

**DIRK: Don't worry, I'm gone. It's like a goddamn peep show in here and I feel like a sleazy piece of shit watching this from a dark corner of your mind.**

**DIRK: You have a graphic imagination, English. I'm kind of impressed.**

**JAKE: (Shut up theyre just thoughts its not even like im trying to have them THEY DONT MEAN ANYTHING!)**

**ARANEA: Hmm.**

**ARANEA: Should I leave and come 8ack during another dream?**

**JAKE: No!**


	185. Book 11 Chapter 13: Fancy Branches

Chapter 13: Fancy Branches

**ARANEA: Ok then.**

Aranea picked up a copy of _Spider Island_ from Jake's bed.

**ARANEA: What's this? An illustrated story of some sort?**

**JAKE: Oh hey whoa!**

**JAKE: Lets not worry about that its nothing really. Here give me that ok?**

**ARANEA: Why are you getting flustered a8out this literature?**

**ARANEA: Is it pornographic?**

**ARANEA: It does not strike me as indecent at a glance. Though may8e our cultures have different standards?**

**JAKE: Hahaha what? No its not that at all its just...**

**JAKE: I dunno its just a nerdy comic i read its no big deal.**

**JAKE: Theres GOT to be other stuff to talk about lets see...**

**ARANEA: Jake.**

**JAKE: Huh?**

**ARANEA: You know, it's not the first time I've sensed that someone felt a flushed attraction for me.**

**JAKE: A flushed whatsit!**

**JAKE: Oh my flipping gosh…**

He covered his eyes and turned away from her.

**ARANEA: You really don't have to 8e so em8arrassed. It's perfectly ok.**

**JAKE: Aaaaargh oh god oh god you sensed my stupid sexy thoughts i KNEW it.**

**JAKE: God DAMN you bogus brain strider!**

**JAKE: Someone needs to just kill me. Or at least make me wake up! This is so humiliating i dont even...**

**JAKE: Can you please just slap me really hard? If not in retribution for my ungentlemanly train of thought then at least to just get me to wake up and save me from my own ceaseless buffoonery.**

**ARANEA: Actually I do 8elieve it would 8e within the scope of my a8ilities to get you to wake up.**

**ARANEA: 8ut do you really want me to do that?**

**JAKE: Um... maybe?**

**ARANEA: If it is true that you think I am attractive then why wouldn't you want to spend a little more time here with me? What's the harm?**

**ARANEA: Are you really in such a hurry to leave and feel sorry for yourself, for no explica8le reason?**

**JAKE: Well...**

**JAKE: No.**

**ARANEA: I already told you, Jake.**

**ARANEA: I am used to sensing many different types of feelings.**

**ARANEA: It's given me a different perspective on emotions than most have.**

**ARANEA: For most, the feelings of others are often a mystery. So they are prone to speculation and paranoia a8out the motivations of people they meet.**

**ARANEA: The emotions of others can seem like such well guarded mysteries, people 8egin to 8elieve that's how their own emotions should 8e treated as well. So when someone can read their thoughts easily it feels like a violation.**

**ARANEA: 8ut to one accustomed to reading those thoughts, there isn't the same perception of violation or secrecy. It's more like examining other self evident facts a8out a person, like taking note of their appearance.**

**ARANEA: It's still hard for non-psychics to understand this though, even if you explain it to them. It can lead to some awkward relationships, unfortunately.**

**JAKE: I imagine it would.**

**JAKE: So...**

**JAKE: Youve sensed it when other fellas have had the hots for you eh?**

**ARANEA: Fellows, yes. And ladies. It's happened.**

**JAKE: Yowza!**

**JAKE: You mustve been popular i guess.**

**ARANEA: Haha! Oh no. No, not really.**

**ARANEA: The fact that I've 8een the fleeting o8ject of attraction to a handful really paints the wrong social picture I'm afraid.**

**JAKE: That is hard to believe.**

**ARANEA: It's my experience that people very often underestimate their own lika8ility. I sense that feeling all the time.**

**ARANEA: Pro8a8ly 8ecause they're in the dark a8out others' thoughts. They are usually in dou8t, so they frequently err on the side of pessimism.**

**ARANEA: In many cases they would 8e surprised if they knew how many around them were open to friendship, or possi8ly something more.**

**ARANEA: I would venture that if you had such a sense you even might 8e surprised yourself!**

**JAKE: Ha! Thats a laugh.**

**JAKE: I am quite sure my only suitor is my best bro and even then he is such a jumbled stupid puzzle of unfathomable ironies im not even sure about THAT half the time.**

**JAKE: I wish i had your powers that would be top notch. Id be parked on the corner of relationship lane and EASY STREET.**

**JAKE: I could kick back in my eligible bachelors limousine and never fuck up or ever say anything awkward like i have been doing non stop so far in this dream.**

**ARANEA: Let's not get carried away. That certainly does not descri8e my experience.**

**ARANEA: You would think 8eing a8le to sense the occasional attraction from others would 8e advantageous, and inspire confidence in yourself.**

**ARANEA: And it is nice when that happens, sure.**

**ARANEA: 8ut then, you feel the negative emotions directed at you as well.**

**ARANEA: And even if they are less common than the positive ones, you have a way of dwelling on them, and magnifying them far 8eyond their real significance.**

**ARANEA: It's funny how an a8ility that should give you all the advantages in the world over others can lead you to feel worse a8out yourself than if you never had them.**

**ARANEA: You put all your energy into thinking a8out people with the 8ad feelings a8out you instead of the good, and you try your 8est to fix things.**

**ARANEA: 8ut usually it just gets worse. People think you are over8earing and needy, and they don't understand what it is you want from them.**

**ARANEA: I can see why it can drive some with my a8ilities to a8use the powers.**

**ARANEA: Fortunately I was a8le to resist the temptation.**

**JAKE: So there are people on your planet who do that?**

**ARANEA: On the world I was from, it was rare. Only a few criminals and outcasts would.**

**ARANEA: 8ut in the second iteration I mentioned, it was commonplace. Like I said, things were very different.**

**ARANEA: In my world though, the higher castes have a lot of responsi8ilities. It wouldn't 8e right to a8use my powers.**

**JAKE: So you were in a higher caste because of the hemospectrum thing you mentioned?**

**ARANEA: Ah, so you were listening to my lengthy pream8le!**

**JAKE: I heard all of it!**

**JAKE: I was just um... well go on.**

**ARANEA: Yes. 8lue 8loods like myself were higher than most.**

**ARANEA: The jo8 of each 8lood caste was to serve the needs of all those 8elow it.**

**ARANEA: We were to use our progressively greater longevity and wisdom to help the lower castes learn and grow. To listen to them and try to provide whatever they were missing. Like a hierarchy of caretakers with increasing social responsi8ility. When the order functioned in harmony our civilization would flourish.**

**JAKE: That is sure a neat sounding science fiction utopia.**

**JAKE: Wait duh i mean science reality.**

**JAKE: But then it all went to shit because of that meddlesome demon?**

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**JAKE: The demon you say im supposed to defeat?**

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**JAKE: Hang on.**

**JAKE: Would that be the same demon im named after?**

**ARANEA: Who told you that?**

**JAKE: Uh...**

**JAKE: I guess technically my own brain did?**

**ARANEA: That's interesting.**

**ARANEA: I wasn't planning on mentioning that. Or at least not just yet.**

**JAKE: Why?**

**ARANEA: There's no reason to prematurely overcomplicate an already complicated tale.**

**ARANEA: All facts will fall into place in due time.**

**JAKE: Yeah.**

**JAKE: But its true right?**

**ARANEA: More or less.**

**JAKE: Can you tell me anything more about this demon?**

**JAKE: All i know is he might be a skull monster.**

**JAKE: Wait he is a skull monster right?**

**ARANEA: He most certainly is a skull monster. **

**ARANEA: A very 8ig and angry skull monster. **

**JAKE: Yessss. Ok but...**

**JAKE: I feel like i should know more about him if im supposed to kill him.**

**ARANEA: I didn't say you were supposed to kill him. **

**ARANEA: He cannot 8e killed. **

**ARANEA: Long ago he discovered the secret to indestructi8ility. **

**JAKE: Oh...**

**ARANEA: Defeating a foe doesn't always involve killing. **

**ARANEA: He has had many incarnations in many universes. **

**ARANEA: If you continue on your journey for long enough, you may encounter one of them. **

**ARANEA: And if you have 8ecome strong enough 8y then, you may 8e a8le to defeat him in com8at. **

**ARANEA: And if that comes to pass, it would 8e the first defeat he has ever known. **

**ARANEA: You would 8e providing the first glimmer of hope to others that some day, he could 8e destroyed. **

**JAKE: So... you are saying i could do all this?**

**JAKE: Or that i will?**

**ARANEA: For now, I'm saying that we should get going soon, if you would like to meet the others 8efore you wake up. **

**JAKE: Who?**

**ARANEA: Is there anything else you wanted to show me 8efore we go?**

**ARANEA: I didn't mean to get us sidetracked like that. **

**JAKE: Ummm.**

**JAKE: Nah just some more boring junk.**

**JAKE: There are these fanciful branches but i dunno where they came from.**

**JAKE: I suspect dream sorcery.**

**ARANEA: They are from someone else's memory. **

**JAKE: Are they from a wizards memory?**

**ARANEA: Ha ha. No! **

**JAKE: Oh.**

**JAKE: Well I guess i could show you around outside.**

**JAKE: There is a jungle out there full of tremendous beasts.**

**ARANEA: Not anymore.**

The stepped outside onto a blue treebranch that led to a bunch of pink leaves. They were in some sort of pink alien tree canopy with blue-barked trees.

**JAKE: Son of a BITCH! More fancy branches.**

**ARANEA: This way!**

**JAKE: What is this realm of limitless wonder?**

**DIRK: Realm of limitless wonder?**

**DIRK: God dammit, Jake.**

**JAKE: (Sh!)**

**ARANEA: It was my planet.**

**JAKE: Its great. Everything is so amazing!**

**JAKE: Who would have thunk you could have such crackerjack adventures in your dreams that are basically REAL instead of imaginary?**

**ARANEA: Yep!**

**JAKE: Or for that matter...**

**JAKE: That you could meet such neat people along the way.**

**DIRK: Your thoughts are wandering again, man.**

**JAKE: (Sh!)**

**DIRK: Whoa. Yeah.**

**DIRK: That gross mushy thought right there.**

**DIRK: Are you even paying attention?**

**JAKE: (No sh.)**

**DIRK: We've already been through this you hopeless rube.**

**DIRK: You might as well be saying it out loud to her.**

**DIRK: So why don't you?**

**JAKE: (Maybe i will wise guy!)**

**DIRK: I mean, she is pretty hot.**

**JAKE: (Yeah i know!)**

**JAKE: (Now shushhhhhhhh.)**

**ARANEA: Jake, it wouldn't work 8etween us.**

**JAKE: Huh?**

**ARANEA: I'm dead.**

**JAKE: Yes. Right.**

**ARANEA: Perhaps if you died too.**

**ARANEA: Although, may8e not after too long?**

**ARANEA: I don't know how I would feel a8out that if you were a lot older than me.**

**DIRK: Man, what the fuck?**

**ARANEA: Although technically I am already so much "older" than you...**

**ARANEA: It would just 8e kind of strange if you were physically my senior 8y any significant margin, you know?**

**DIRK: This is a weird fucking train of thought. Can you tell her that?**

**JAKE: (No!)**

**DIRK: I'm going to make you have a seizure and get you to mime the message to her with your spastic gyrations.**

**DIRK: Pelvic thrusts will be my exclamation points.**

**JAKE: (Screw you!)**

**JAKE: (You heard her i totally have a shot hehehe!)**

**ARANEA: What?**

**JAKE: *Cough* uh go on.**

**ARANEA: 8ut I wouldn't want that to happen.**

**JAKE: What to happen?**

**ARANEA: For you to die soon.**

**ARANEA: I want you to succeed at your quest, and to live a long and happy life!**

**DIRK: Man.**

**DIRK: I'm gonna come out and say it.**

**DIRK: This broad is a total snore.**

**JAKE: Yeah right bro did you hear that at least if i kick the bucket early there will be shall i say a silver lining wink wink nudge nudge.**

**JAKE: It will take the form of some spooky smooches from a smokin ghostly troll babe so shut your jealous trap!**

**ARANEA: ::::?**

**JAKE: Wait.**

**JAKE: Oh dear.**

**JAKE: How uh...**

**JAKE: How loud was i talking just then?**

**DIRK: You were pretty much yelling.**

**ARANEA: :::;)**

**JAKE: Augh!**

**DIRK: If I were real I would be giving you a standing ovation right now.**

**DIRK: 5/5 hats.**

**JAKE: God.**

**JAKE: Ok just.**

**JAKE: Pretend to forget that maybe?**

**DIRK: Not a chance.**

**JAKE: Not you! Her!**

**ARANEA: Her? Who?**

**ARANEA: Me?**

**JAKE: Sigh.**

**JAKE: Why dont you just tell me where were going.**

**ARANEA: I've gathered a small group of travelers for a meeting.**

**ARANEA: They are 8riefly passing through this 8u88le. I was hoping we could introduce ourselves to one another, and help orient an old friend of mine to the afterlife.**

**JAKE: Ok. **

**JAKE: Who is your friend? **

**JAKE: Another troll? **

**ARANEA: She was supposed to 8e the empress of all trolls, actually.**

**JAKE: Wow. **

**JAKE: So she died before she could be the empress i guess? **

**ARANEA: Not exactly, since she pro8a8ly never would have 8een regardless.**

**ARANEA: She didn't want the jo8.**

**JAKE: Why not? **

**ARANEA: Remem8er how I said each class had a duty to take care of the younger and more populous classes lower on the order?**

**ARANEA: Well, hers was the highest of all.**

**ARANEA: She was the only one on the planet with such royal 8lood, aside from the sitting empress.**

**ARANEA: As the heiress, she was meant for a position of incredi8le responsi8ility.**

**ARANEA: Once she claimed the throne, she would have to serve for many thousands of years, until the next successor was ready.**

**JAKE: Thats a hell of a long time. **

**JAKE: I guess she wasnt into that? **

**ARANEA: She had some pro8lems with authority.**

**ARANEA: She despised the whole social order, really.**

**ARANEA: I foolishly tried to convince her to honor her o8ligation, 8ut she wouldn't listen.**

**ARANEA: She viewed the empress as a glorified slave.**

**ARANEA: So she a8dicated, and fled to the moon to hide.**

**ARANEA: I was the only one who knew of her plans. The rest of the world searched 8ut never found her.**

**ARANEA: At the time, I was furious with her. 8ut I didn't turn her in.**

**ARANEA: Which in retrospect was a key decision that led us here.**

**JAKE: You mean it led to you being dead? **

**ARANEA: Yes, eventually.**

**ARANEA: While she was there, she discovered an ancient device.**

**ARANEA: Inside the device was a game.**

**ARANEA: She 8ecame o8sessed with playing it, 8ut needed our friends to agree to play first.**

**ARANEA: She was not well liked 8y the others though. Old grudges and rivalries made it hard to convince them.**

**ARANEA: 8ut she is very devious, and knows how to trick people into doing what she wants.**

**ARANEA: She even got me to agree, 8y promising she'd return to her place as the heiress when we finished playing.**

**ARANEA: Needless to say, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.**

**JAKE: She sounds like a handful. **

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**ARANEA: She's not all that 8ad though.**

**ARANEA: Well...**

**ARANEA: When you really get to know her.**

**ARANEA: And when she's unarmed.**

**ARANEA: Which is... pretty much never, now that I think a8out it.**

**JAKE: ... **

**ARANEA: Ok, she pro8a8ly is all that 8ad.**

**ARANEA: The point is, you have to know how to handle her.**

**ARANEA: Regal types can 8e very touchy, even the ones who seem to revel in anarchy.**

**ARANEA: 8ut if you know all the right things to say and do, she will happily hand over the keys to the kingdom, so to speak.**

**ARANEA: After all, royalty is royalty.**

**ARANEA: Just let me do the talking for a while, ok?**

**DIRK: Did you hear that, Jake? Aranea wants to do the talking.**

**DIRK: I think your dead girlfriend might be starting to come out of her shell.**

**JAKE: (Heheheh.) **

**JAKE: (Ok that was kinda funny.)**


	186. Book 11 Chapter 14: DD Ascends

Chapter 14: DD Ascends

The archagent was supposed to submit the paperwork for his daily work, but found himself unable to do so because he was in jail. He'd been a bit sloppy and gotten himself pinched by the white shells. That left all his duties to his penultimagent, otherwise known as the Draconian Dignitary. We should bear in mind that penultimagent wasn't an officially recognized title though. It was just a word that DD thought sounded kind of cool.

The report was that he had all these reports to fill out which the archagent had been letting pile up, and which he had absolutely no intention of completing. Paperwork was even less DD's back than it was Noir's. As has been mentioned, the boss was still stuck in the big house. The Dignitary had the Droll working on busting Jack out, but he'd said no particular hurry on that. He liked to keep a casual administrative style. The boss was always in a hurry, all wound up like a knife-wielding top. Personally, DD didn't see the harm in playing it cool.

Mounting paperwork aside, there was still the matter of this little insurrection to deal with. The boy was still out there, piking heads, agitating subjects, getting everyone all hot and bothered. The press was going berserk with it, and he could only have so many reporters killed on any given news cycle. Couldn't forget about the girl either. She was still out there, going rogue. Wait. He meant AWOL. That stinking pun got him every time. Puns were even less dignified than paperwork.

He couldn't locate the Prince anyway. By now the kid was up to his goddamn neck in convoluted gothic architecture. He'd burrowed fuck deep in flying buttresses and purple pointy things. He'd even stopped by the boss's cubicle of vigilance and sliced up his fenestrated walls to make searching for him harder. Cunning bastard.

There had used to be a 4th wall, but he didn't know what had happened to it. There was a rumor circulating that some old woman had made off with it some time ago, before the new queen had taken over. Whatever had happened, it was nothing to worry about now. If he wanted to smoke this kid out of hiding, he'd need some help.

He decided to go seek some help. Wait, he already had. He walked to retrieve it, again in no particular hurry. Earlier he'd quite calmly and diplomatically explained everything to the old lady, letting her know he could use a little extra firepower to get the situation under control. He'd been pretty smooth with it, offering to light her cigarette during a calculated pause. And she didn't even smoke. He was just that good. While he'd been making his smooth pitch, he'd done a masterful job of giving the impression that he didn't really care much one way or the other. But to be fair, he really didn't care much one way or the other.

In response, the dame had given him clearance to employ the service of Dronegorg, the flagship battlemech of the imperial fleet she kept stationed on some other damn planet. He wasn't even sure where it was or what it was called. Hell if that was any of his business.

The Dignitary contemplated mounting Dronegorg and riding to battle but… nah. He'd feel completely ridiculous piloting that thing. It was a bad look for him. No style at all.

Only an utter fool would get a kick out of prancing around in that asinine getup. Drollgorg. DD smirked. It was a classy gesture by the queen, but he'd told her he'd have to pass.

But it didn't do no good to spurn generosity from a beautiful and deadly woman. He'd thanked her for the kind offer and tactfully brought up an alternative.

See, he told the boss this was his problem. He was too blunt about his ambitions. It was all well and good for a man to keep his eyes on the prize, but he didn't always need to step over a thousand corpses and swim across rivers of blood to get there. The Dignitary reminded him there were slicker ways to make his moves, especially when it came to a lady. Now that he thought about it, Slick would be a good ironic nickname for the boss. Might be a good laugh, callin' him that. Or it would if he ever actually laughed.

The point was, you had to know how to handle the new queen. Regal types could be very touchy, even the ones who seemed to revel in anarchy. But if you knew all the right things to say and do, she would happily hand over the keys to the kingdom, so to speak. After all, royalty was royalty.

The Draconian Dignitary slid a golden ring out of his waistcoat pocket.

Far out, beyond Skaia and the Land of Crypts and Helium, beyond the Veil even, lay a small planet known as Derse. And…

DD pressed his cigarette against the record, stopping it. He lifted the disc out. He wasn't feeling it. That little number was way too big for its britches. He could just tell it would've blasted off, and next thing you knew, everyone was on their feet, cutting a rug, making complete fools of themselves. This weren't no sock hop.

Why did everything have to be so flashy and frenetic? What was the big hurry, anyway? Sure, he was gonna put this ring on. But when he was good and goddamn ready. Maybe do a little reading first, have another smoke. Finish his coffee. Listen to some REAL music. Everybody needed to calm the fuck down.

Another disc went on the gramophone. I'm a Member of the Midnight Crew by Eddie Morton, a capella version.

"I hate a moral coward, one who lacks a manly spark. I just detest a man afraid to go home in the dark. I always spend my evenings where there's women, wine and song, but like a man I always bring my little wife along."

Droog sighed, leaned back in his chair, and looked across his desk. On the left were all the parking citations he hadn't dealt with. Paperwork. Pfft. In the center was his favorite newspaper publication, _The Gray Ladies_. A tad pornographic, but when he said a tad he meant VERY much. But it was never a good idea to overestimate things. He picked it up and puffed on his cigarette.

"I'm a member of the midnight crew."

Ms. Paint knelt over Hussie's dead body, mourning his death. She wiped her eyes and sniffled.

"I'm a night owl and a wise bird too."

Jade and Davesprite sat next to each other, one of Jade's arms over Davesprite's shoulders. Together they read The Midnight Crew on MSPA.

"Home with the milk in the morning."

Equius drank a glass of milk, then crushed it in his fist. Aradiabot's ghostly eyes widened.

"Singing the same old sooooong!"

John knelt down on one knee, the Warhammer of Zillyhoo in his hand, singing along to the Midnight Crew song playing on the gramophone.

"Rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun. Early to bed and you'll miss all the fun. Bring your wife and trouble; it will never trouble you. Make her a member of the midnight crew!"

A blue fanciful branch led from Alternia's purple moon to Aranea's planet from SGRUB and into Jake English's house in a dream bubble. The Jake English on Earth, who was still asleep, lay there while his dream self walked down the branch with the dead spider troll.

**ARANEA: Meenah! Over here!**

"The fun it doesn't stop till twelve on happy old broadway."

The Dignitary continued to look at the publication, raising a mug of deep black coffee to his lips and sipping thoughtfully. Elsewhere, the Condesce tapped her foot impatiently.

"So what's the use of going home until the break of day?"

Spades Slick climbed back up to Hussie's apartment, sopping wet and very, very angry. Ms. Paint stood suddenly and raised her hand to her mouth.

"Now something confidential (whisper not above a breath): I once went home at 2 AM and scared my wife to death!"

PM and Bec Noir, caught in their violent affair, slashed back and forth at each other as they flew through space at the speed of light towards the new Incipisphere.

"I'm a member of the midnight crew. I'm a night owl and a wise bird too. Home with the milk in the morning."

Slick accepted a glass of milk from Aurthour begrudgingly.

"Singing the same old sooooong (same old song!)."

Gamzee, with a golden lute in one hand and the Warhammer of Zillyhoo in the other, threw his head back and sang along frivolously.

"Rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun."

Dirk sat on the replica of the Great Wall of China on Derse, looking up at the sky. Jane lay on the ground in the Prospitian royal halls.

"Early to bed and you'll miss all the fun."

Hussie getting stabbed repeatedly by Slick, flipping him off the balcony, and then getting shot and dying at the hands of Lord English.

"Bring your wife and trouble; it will never trouble you."

Hussie held the ring out to put it on Vriska's finger.

"Make her a member of the midnight crew!"

Vriska punched Hussie hard in the face, and he fell backwards with a "doof". The ring flew into the air and landed somewhere in the sand.

"Wah waahhhh w-wah w-wah w-waah-waaah waaaaahhhh"

Gamzee and John crossed their respective Warhammers, hands on their chests and singing tremblingly. On the last wah, they brought their lips together and kissed. Jane raised an eyebrow and made a "what the fuck" face.

"I never shall forget the night I made six rappers run."

Dirk sliced the arm off of one of the Batterwitch's drones.

"Although I didn't have a knife…"

Jack stabbed the Prospitian guard through the bars of jail cell in an attempt to "persuade" him to pick up the keys for him.

"A blackjack…"

Past Spades Slick, a deep scar across his left eye, held up a card with a barcode on it. There was a hole in the center of it, still smoking.

"Or a gun."

Doc Scratch's white magnum revolver bonked off of Lord English's forehead.

"I proved myself a hero of a very high degreeeeeeee."

Roxy held her gun up towards the approaching imperial drones, a huge fire blazing behind her.

"I ran for home and six of them were running after meeeeeeee."

One of the drones fired a torpedo at her. She began to run away.

"I'm a member of the midnight crew. I'm a night owl and a wise bird too."

The Dignitary spun the ring at the coffee mug, which it bounced off of, spun towards his ashtray, hit that, then returned to the center of the desk where it fell flat.

"Home with the milk in the morning."

Hussie attempted to feed RoboSlick milk out of a baby bottle.

"Singing the same old (same old) song!"

Eddie Morton's eyes on the album cover flashed various colors.

"Rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun. Early to bed and you'll miss all the fun."

On LOCAH, as Lil Seb looked on expressionlessly, Jane placed her Dad's hat on her head and grinned.

"Bring your wife and trouble; it will never trouble you. Make her a member of the midnight crew."

The Condesce sat on her throne, stroking GCat absentmindedly. She was mind controlling the cat on both a cerulean-blood power level and an orange-blood power level.

"Make her a member of the midnight crewwwwwwwww."

The Draconian Dignitary brought the ring closer to his finger.

After all that bullshitting around, he calmly and casually put on the Ring of Orbs Nofold. A phenomenal transformation took place. He became… my god. HE BECAME…

The Draconian Dignitary. Really, he didn't know why everyone always had to be transforming from things into other things. Taking on these wild appearance modifications just for a little boost in power had always struck him as tacky. Where was the class?

It just took no creativity or guile for these villain types to grab a little power through such outlandish transformations. No imagination at all. He was utterly astounded by how shitty their imagination was. If their imagination was a face, he would shoot it. In the face.


	187. Morn: Reveal Your Real Name

Since A6A3 is supposed to be fully uploaded by Saturday, production speed has increased, last minute changes have occurred, and I will be posting at random times throughout the week. Expect the same update day for [S] Caliborn: Enter (7/25/15).

-Morn

...

What?

...

What are you saying?

...

Okay, that WAS a lackluster announcement. I'm sorry. But I have something else that you can get your knickers in a twist about for sure. As can be discovered by going to my bandcamp site (3277 . bandcamp . com minus the spaces), my name is Aris Martinian and I am in the middle of writing a thing that will soon be discoverable via said bandcamp site. The release date is... of questionable tangibility... but I assure you it will be a fantastic story filled with aliens and dog people and the edge of the universe. Also in the thing there will also be a green tiger, a rogue who breaks through the fourth wall, 26 kids trying to survive on an island, a giant laboratory, underground cities, a magical tablet, and yours truly, the author myself.

* * *

And now, let's get back into Homestuck (and not my weird self-indulgent story of survival and adventure) by taking a look at what Jane's up to!


	188. Book 11 Chapter 15: Into the Crypt

Chapter 15: Into the Crypt

DD considered unleashing the awesome powers of the ring. Well, awesome powers? Let's see. He was guessing it could probably make him invisible. Yup, there we go. Invisible, just like he'd thought. What else was a magical ring of void gonna do? This was like Magic Rings 101. Real basic stuff.

Ok, that was cool. He stopped being invisible. There wasn't a lot of style to invisibility. Primarily because nobody got to see how damn smooth he was being. It was kind of a pointless power anyway. Some real dimestore parlor trickery that was just a waste of everyone's time. He doubted he'd ever use it again. It sure wasn't going to help him track down that elusive kid. But sooner or later he was going to find out it was much harder to outrun the ring's true power.

He held his hand up lazily and took a cigarette out of the pack with his teeth. The kid couldn't escape the miles. The red tendrils spread out across Derse, touching down at different points and cracking the surface. No one could escape the miles.

Jane had been following a trail of clues on her quest to sleuth the whereabouts of her errant father. He seemed to have left a variety of items behind, in hopes that she might notice and follow him. She had picked up each item along the way, until she'd reached this car. It was squeaky clean from today's earlier automotive ablutions, but obviously there was no way she could pick it up. It was probably the last thing he'd had to leave behind, which meant his trail was about to go cold. Hang on. Lil Sebastian was gesturing further ahead. It seemed there was another clue on the path.

She approached and picked it up. It was her Dad's wallet. This was surely the end of the line. Just ahead was another crypt. She wondered if he'd gone in there? There was another one of those obelisks nearby shining a light down a pit, serving some dang purpose. Probably had some ridiculous bearing on a puzzle like five miles away. Like activating an elevator or a conveyer belt or something that just led to yet another stupid old skull.

Actually, looked like there was one more thing left in the wallet. It was a note.

_DAUGHTER._

_IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT MEANS YOU ARE NOW STRONG ENOUGH TO LIFT THE PIANO OVER YOUR HEAD, AND SHATTER IT TO PIECES._

_WHILE THE INSTRUMENT WAS EXPENSIVE, IT IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR THIS IMPORTANT STEP ON YOUR JOURNEY TOWARD BECOMING A POWERFUL, INDEPENDENT YOUNG WOMAN._

_I AM SO, SO, SO PROUD OF YOU._

What the… Maybe her Dad had left the wrong note in the wallet? He'd probably meant to leave one pertaining to how she was mature enough to inherit his wallet, and what a big responsibility a wallet was for a strong, young woman, or something like that. Her Dad left tons of notes like this around for such occasions, so it was probably easy for him to get them mixed up sometimes. He was a highly professional and competent father, but the guy was still fallible after all. D'aww.

Now armed with her father's roomy, sleek leather wallet, she retrieved the family sedan with ease.

Oh hey. It looked like a cool pair of shades wanted to talk about her sweet new ride.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TT: Shred it.**

**GG: What?**

**TT: you HAVE**

**TT: the car.**

**GG: Um.**

**TT: Now shred it.**

**TT: Turn it into grist.**

**GG: Oh!**

**GG: No!**

**GG: I am not going to destroy my dad's car.**

**TT: We need grist though.**

**TT: I can't get any building done without more.**

**TT: Not to mention the fact that you're not going to be able to make any cool shit.**

**GG: There has to be a better way to gather up grist, though.**

**TT: Well, I think there are supposed to be monsters here.**

**TT: I haven't seen any monsters yet, have you?**

**GG: No, and I can't say I'm too disappointed.**

**TT: You should be though. Presumably they would drop grist and stuff when you kill them.**

**TT: Like treasure. And food products that restore your health. Or at least make you less hungry.**

**TT: Haven't you ever played a video game, Jane?**

**GG: Of course I have!**

**TT: That's cool. I haven't, since I am a pair of sunglasses, and communing with such simplistic software would be a trivial and hollow exercise for me.**

**TT: But I know loads of stuff about games. Like the fact that you gotta kill monsters if you want to make progress.**

**TT: If not to snatch up the bitchin' loot, at least for the levels.**

**GG: Levels?**

**TT: How are you going to get better at fightin' without killing monsters, Jane.**

**GG: I think I've done a fair job of scaling my echeladder without resorting to the slaughter of innocent, fictional monsters, thank you very much.**

**TT: Please.**

**TT: You've barely done any climbing at all. I'm talking about hopping more rungs than what playing a little prank on your dad or throwing your hat on the ground super hard is gonna get you.**

**TT: You need battle experience to make some real headway. Like Jake.**

**GG: I'm getting a little tired of various iterations of Dirk Strider telling me how I need to be more like Jake.**

**GG: I know you think Jake is neat. I know all the Dirks just ADORE Jake! I GET IT!**

**TT: Wow, chill out.**

**TT: This ain't about whatever stuff you're apparently fixin' to twist your shit in a pretzel over.**

**TT: You just need to get stronger, is all. Don't you think that's what your dad would want?**

**GG: You don't need to remind me about that. I'm suddenly having flashbacks to a few years ago when he would ambush me almost every day for a pointless round of strife.**

**GG: Boy does getting swatted with brooms and having cakes shoved in your face get old fast.**

**TT: Yeah, but in the process you got pretty handy with that fork/spoon thingy, didn't you?**

**GG: Well. Yes.**

**TT: I'm just saying, if you don't run into any monsters on this planet, I think I'm going to have to set the bunny to "sparring mode" to help you along.**

**GG: I am not going to spar with Lil Sebastian!**

**GG: He is too quick and deadly to fight with.**

**GG: And also, too adorable. :B**

**TT: Ok. We'll see about that.**

**TT: But in the meantime, we need to figure out a way to start harvesting grist.**

**TT: Let's forget the car. But now that you have the wallet, you can grab much bigger things.**

**TT: Big things have got to be worth more grist than all the picayune bullshit you keep around the house.**

**TT: There are some choice relics in this place. Some of it has to be worth a fortune, gristways.**

**GG: You could be right.**

**GG: I will give it a try.**

Jane stuck the nearby obelisk in her wallet. It fit like a dream. The ray of light was no longer reflected into the hole. Sorry, puzzles.

She put the card into the Gristwidget 12000 and… holy smokes! That thing was worth a fortune in all kinds of grist denominations. Seb sprung into action and scooped it all up for her in a jiffy with his busy little legs, almost tripping over an arm sticking out of a weird blue portal in the ground in the process. The arm vanished.

The built-in grist gutter on the widget immediately kicked into action, collecting all the grist overflow exceeding her current low limit. She guessed that was pretty convenient. She'd honestly thought these features had been a lot of meaningless nonsense before. Like an example of BCCorp's strange sense of humor, made into a product sold for top dollar. The fact that this had turned out to be a useful gizmo well in advance was either reassuring or unsettling. She wasn't sure which.

Aaaaand the door to the crypt was locked now. It looked like that obelisk had been important after all. It'd been lighting up one of those globe switch doohickeys at the bottom of the hole, which had actually been keeping the door open. And now it was in her Gristwidget's gutter in a bunch of tiny pieces that weren't actually real. Just great. Real nice work there, gumshoe.

**TT: Hmm.**

**GG: Welp, let me have it!**

**TT: Have what?**

**GG: A hard time for botching up the pooch!**

**GG: I think I just locked the door with that muttonheaded stunt. And now that mirrored obelisk is good as gone.**

**TT: I wasn't going to say nothin'.**

**TT: Hell, I was asleep at the wheel too while you were busy fucking up, and I have an IQ of, hold on, robo-calculating...**

**TT: Robo-calculating...**

**TT: Robo-calculating...**

**TT: Robo-calculating...**

**GG: Oh brother.**

**TT: Robo-calculating...**

**TT: About 500 billion.**

**GG: That is really, really robo-smart.**

**TT: Don't get human-fresh with me, Crocker. I'm about to bring all five hundo-billy points of my stringent cyborg IQ to bear on your dumb problem. Check it out.**

**TT: I took note of the captcha code to the thing, and recorded a digital flashsnap of its appearance through my photographic silicone memory canals.**

**TT: Which is to say I looked at eight alphanumeric digits a couple minutes ago, and remembered them.**

**GG: Ok?**

**TT: So give the bunny the wallet. I'll have him run back to the house and make you a new obelisk with the same grist you just collected from it.**

**TT: He can stash it in the wallet and run it back to you, and then you can open the door. You shouldn't be waiting around too long, cause he's real spry.**

**TT: Which is exactly why you should wait here. You'll just slow him down.**

**GG: Alright, I think I can do that.**

**GG: What should I do in the meantime?**

**TT: Let me think about that.**

**TT: Robo-calculating...**

**GG: Oh stop it!**

**TT: K.**

**GG: None of our friends will answer me. What could they be up to?**

**GG: You must at least know what Dirk is doing.**

**TT: He's slicing up some drones.**

**GG: Some what?**

**TT: Big red robots. He'll be busy for a while.**

**TT: Roxy I'm not sure about, but there is a pretty high probability as governed by the immutable laws of mathematics that she is preoccupied similarly.**

**GG: She's fighting robots too, you mean?**

**TT: I don't know. Maybe.**

**TT: Dealing with them, in some way, perhaps.**

**TT: If so, it wouldn't be a coincidence.**

**GG: Why?**

**TT: I think the Condesce is attempting to force the issue now.**

**GG: What? What issue!**

**TT: It's likely that it's a coordinated assault. Sending drones both to here and Roxy's place.**

**TT: She's probably trying to get everyone else to stop dicking around and join the game already.**

**GG: Are you sure she's not just trying to kill them?**

**GG: It wouldn't be her first assassination attempt.**

**TT: Yeah, but come on. Dirk has been a sitting duck here for years. Roxy too.**

**TT: She could have wiped them out any time with a swarm much bigger than this one. Or just nuked them.**

**TT: Her "assassination attempt" on you was pretty weak too.**

**GG: But it nearly worked!**

**GG: I would be dead right now if not for the whims of GCat.**

**TT: Right.**

**TT: Like I trust the motives of that fucking thing.**

**GG: So, you're saying she's only pretending to hunt us?**

**TT: I believe she probably would genuinely like to kill us. She is a psycho after all.**

**TT: But it's also obvious to me she needs us to begin playing this game, for whatever fucked up purpose she has.**

**TT: She might even need us to win it too, for all I know.**

**TT: Her antagonism is all part of the dance.**

**GG: Then you're saying Dirk and Roxy aren't really in danger from the robots?**

**TT: Oh, I wouldn't say that. They're still pretty deadly and they shoot missiles and stuff.**

**GG: Augh! I just want to talk to my friends and see if they're ok.**

**GG: What about Jake?**

**TT: No idea what's going on with him right now.**

**TT: I'm sure when the time is right, the witch will keep pushing him along to join the game as well.**

**GG: Then I guess I'll just sit here and worry about everyone quietly until Seb gets back.**

**TT: What about your troll friend?**

**GG: What?**

**TT: The alien whose name you don't know.**

**TT: You could talk to her.**

**GG: Oh yeah!**

**GG: I forgot about her.**

**GG: But I suppose that's because she's always the one to contact me. I never get a response when I message her.**

**TT: Well, you could give her a try. Maybe things are different now.**

**TT: I could hack into her system to get her attention, if you think that would help.**

**GG: You can do that?**

**TT: Nah, just messin' with you.**

**TT: Later.**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began pestering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**GG: Hello?**

**GG: Are you there?**

**UU: yes.**

**GG: Oh my! You answered!**

**GG: You never answer.**

**UU: don't i?**

**GG: Well, no. I don't mean to be accusatory.**

**GG: I am just surprised.**

**UU: right then.**

**UU: what can i do for yoU?**

**GG: Well... nothing in particular. Just thought it would be nice to catch up.**

**GG: I was beginning to think I was the only one of my friends left alive.**

**GG: Maybe this gloomy place full of salamander bones and dusty old relics is starting to get to me.**

**GG: Not to mention the most unwelcome presence of entrepreneurial clowns and their enormous codpieces.**

**UU: coUld be.**

**GG: I'm still trying to track down my father. I've been gathering clues, and I may be getting close.**

**GG: Do you by any chance know if I might see him soon?**

**GG: Hmm...**

**GG: Are you there?**

**UU: oh. yes.**

**UU: keep going where yoU're headed.**

**UU: things will work oUt in time. yoU'll see him.**

**GG: Phew! That's nice to know. Thanks.**

**GG: You aren't usually forthcoming with future tidbits. Er, not that I was always especially eager to believe you about them anyway.**

**GG: But I think I've been coming around on that lately, for what it's worth.**

**GG: So, um.**

**GG: Hey.**

**GG: Are you ok there?**

**GG: You seem rather preoccupied.**

**UU: i'm sorry.**

**UU: i am not having the best day. u_u**

**GG: What's wrong?**

**UU: everything!**

**UU: where do i bloody begin.**

**GG: Is it your brother?**

**UU: well that goes withoUt saying doesn't it? he is ALWAYS a problem.**

**UU: bUt it's more than that.**

**UU: when i sleep and visit prospit, i see nothing bUt storm cloUds in skaia now.**

**UU: my great big lovely ball of blUe has been cloUding over. soon i fear it will be completely black, and the kingdom will be shroUded in darkness.**

**UU: i wish i Understood the meaning of this terrible omen.**

**GG: That sounds awful!**

**UU: and my brother has become more Uncooperative than ever.**

**UU: he intends to play the game, bUt refUses to treat it like a collaboration.**

**UU: i have told him many times that the only way we can win is to work together! bUt he wants it to be yet another competition between Us, like everything has been all oUr lives.**

**UU: his threats to kill me have become harder to dismiss as his UsUal empty bravado.**

**UU: i fear it may come down to having to kill him first.**

**UU: althoUgh i am not sUre exactly how i woUld go aboUt this, or if i will even be Up to the task. umu;**

**GG: I had no idea things had gotten this grim for you. I am so sorry.**

**UU: yes. bUt i'll cope.**

**UU: the real troUble thoUgh is i'm not sUre if i can play a sUccessfUl session withoUt him.**

**UU: a two player session was already risky enoUgh, satisfying bare minimUm playing conditions.**

**UU: and i had it on good aUthority that the two of Us woUld be able to sUcceed, particUlarly given oUr... well, withoUt intending to boast. varioUs advantages.**

**UU: bUt i have no idea if a session of one is viable.**

**UU: honestly i cannot for the life of me imagine how.**

**UU: it may well resUlt in a void session like yoUrs, bUt withoUt the promise of any extenUating circUmstances.**

**GG: Are you sure it's hopeless with him? You can't reach a truce, just for the sake of playing?**

**UU: i Used to hope so, bUt i doUbt it now.**

**UU: he barely cares aboUt the game itself, other than as a means of escaping oUr planet.**

**UU: he has always been more motivated by the ongoing game between Us.**

**GG: I think you have alluded to this before, but I never really understood.**

**GG: What game?**

**UU: well...**

**UU: it is simple. we are playing a game together.**

**UU: we have been forced to, for as long as we've known each other.**

**UU: bUt the rUles are complicated, and often shifting. and they don't always make sense!**

**UU: at least, they woUldn't to yoU.**

**GG: Try me!**

**UU: many yoU woUld not recognize as rUles, so mUch as sUperstitions.**

**UU: a variety of caveats and stipUlations. things that woUld invite misfortUne if i were to break. it woUld be very bad jUjU.**

**UU: i have not been able to tell yoU my name for this reason.**

**UU: doing so woUld lead Us all down a very slippery slope! bUt i have wanted to tell yoU so. i hope my relUctance has not compromised oUr friendship.**

**GG: Of course not. I wrote off your reticence as one of your many eccentricities long ago.**

**UU: ^u^**

**GG: I still want to understand this game with your brother, though.**

**GG: Could you describe some of the other rules?**

**UU: mm, yes. we have both renoUnced hemotyping Until the resolUtion.**

**GG: Hemotyping?**

**UU: it is in the same vein, pardon the pUn, as a qUirk. it's the old tradition whereby one types in his or her own blood coloUr.**

**UU: so he and i have embraced neUtral tones to speak in, for the time being.**

**UU: most hUmans do not practice hemotyping, presUmably dUe to lacking diversity in blood class.**

**GG: But your race has varied blood color?**

**UU: yes.**

**GG: Then what would yours be?**

**UU: i am a lime blood. UuU**

**UU: while he's got the bright cherry blood, jUst like yoU all do.**

**UU: not that this matters since we are alone here, bUt interestingly, in ancient troll cUltUre we woUld both be considered pariahs.**

**UU: for different reasons of coUrse. those of his blood coloUr were very rare, existing by way of genetic glitch only. they were oUtcasts, having no place in the social order.**

**UU: on the other hand, those of my blood coloUr were once actUally qUite common! bUt later they were all hUnted to extinction.**

**GG: Jeez. Why?**

**UU: details of the genocide are historically mUrky. it's one of those maddening voids in my Understanding of yoUr elaborate epic.**

**UU: bUt i have specUlated their extermination had to do with the extremely powerfUl abilities they tended to have, and the threat to aUthority they represented. even more so than other powerfUl lowbloods.**

**GG: Are you saying you have such powers?**

**UU: maybe. :u**

**GG: But he does not?**

**UU: he has other, Um. traits.**

**GG: Maybe he is jealous of you, which is why there is such resentment?**

**UU: oh, probably. he is an oUtright mess. if yoU can name a problem with me, he's got it.**

**GG: The way you described it, I had always envisioned your contentious relationship as one played out mostly online.**

**UU: yes. it is!**

**GG: And also that you and he had never met. Yet some things you have said lately appear to contradict this?**

**UU: sigh.**

**UU: jane, i am sorry, bUt this is something i jUst cannot get into. for one thing we woUld be creeping way too close to breaking the rUles, and then we woUld all be bUggered.**

**UU: even if i were at liberty to say, it woUld take so mUch time to explain everything. and i really mUst be getting to sleep again soon. i am terribly worried aboUt the people of prospit dUring sUch dark times.**

**GG: I understand.**

**UU: sUffice to say, all games that are played have boUndaries. a stage to which all pieces and moves are confined.**

**UU: like a chess board! there is no reality to the game beyond the edges of the binary grid.**

**GG: That makes sense, but I'm not sure I see how it applies.**

**UU: i know. it was more infernal gammoning on my part as i dance aboUt these rUles.**

**UU: it's all one can do when everything he or she ever does is jUst another move in a game.**

**UU: i am so sorry, jane. i woUld have loved to be more forthright with yoU since the day we first spoke.**

**UU: yoU are a dear friend to me. yoU and yoUr chUms. yoU are all the only friends i have ever had.**

**GG: :B**

**GG: 3**

**UU: uUu**

**UU: i was planning on giving yoU a gift.**

**GG: You were?**

**UU: yes, bUt i was going to wait Until completing my qUest before sending it to yoU.**

**UU: bUt now that things are looking rather bleak here, i may have to consider accelerating the delivery.**

**GG: What is it? Or is it a surprise?**

**UU: it is a sUrprise! bUt i will tell yoU this mUch.**

**UU: it is my jUjU. it is very dear to me.**

**GG: Your juju?**

**UU: a talisman of sorts, with many cUrioUs properties and rUles for implementation.**

**UU: as yoU may have gathered aboUt me, i have learned the hard way that it always pays to follow the rUles. :U**

**GG: Where did you get it?**

**UU: it was an heirloom, yoU coUld say. passed on from ancestors. i have always had it.**

**UU: jUjUs are said to have origins which are impossible to Understand or trace. some say they emerge spontaneoUsly from the void.**

**UU: they cannot be trUly dUplicated. if there ever appears to be more than one of the same, it is only a mirage of caUsality!**

**UU: nor can they ever be destroyed. not completely, at least.**

**UU: so when i send yoU mine, it will be no small matter. it will not simply be copied throUgh alchemy.**

**UU: yoU will be the new owner, and mine here will cease to exist.**

**GG: Um... gosh.**

**UU: bUt UnfortUnately it will have no valUe to yoU Unless i send my brother's jUjU as well.**

**UU: and he will not relinqUish control of his Unless i best him at oUr game. this is another of oUr rUles.**

**GG: It sure sounds like you two are up to your necks in this crazy game.**

**UU: oh yes. we are Up to qUite a bit fUrther than oUr neck in it. ~_u**

**UU: bUt it's alright. i love games.**

**UU: my brother, on the other hand...**

**GG: Not such a big fan of games?**

**UU: on no, qUite the contrary.**

**UU: his passion for games transcends any hUman Understanding of love.**

**UU: for yoU to Understand it woUld be to fUlly comprehend the meaning of...**

**UU: how to pUt it.**

**GG: Um.**

**GG: Beauty?**

**UU: horror.**


	189. Book 11 Chapter 16: Pornography

Chapter 16: "Pornography"

Dirk leapt at one of the drones diagonally, slicing its head clean off its neck to reveal a mass of wires. He approached the next one and…

Fuck. Who could it be? Oh man. Now of all times?

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**uu: HELLO DIRK.**

**uu: GuESS WHAT I WANT TO PLAY.**

**uu: THAT'S RIGHT.**

**uu: A GAME.**

**TT: Not now.**

**uu: DIRK I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.**

**uu: DIRK.**

**uu: HELLO DIRK.**

**uu: LET'S PLAY A GAME.**

**TT: I'm busy.**

**uu: DIRK I DON'T THINK YOu uNDERSTAND.**

**uu: I WANT TO PLAY A FuCKING GAME WITH YOu.**

**uu: I WOuLD LIKE YOu TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY.**

**TT: Man, does it look like he can draw anything for you right now?**

**uu: WHO CARES.**

**uu: I AM NOT TALKING TO YOu.**

**TT: So what exactly is the game this time?**

**TT: To gauge his ability to draw naked people while fighting robots?**

**uu: THE GAME IS TO PRODuCE SOME VILE SMuT. THAT WILL BRING ME EROTIC ENJOYMENTS.**

**TT: And if he doesn't?**

**uu: THEN SOMEONE DIES FuCKER.**

**TT: I see.**

**TT: Do you want me to draw some?**

**uu: NO.**

**uu: YOu ARE AN IMPOSTOR.**

**uu: AN ARTIFICIAL BLOODLESS HEMOTYPING FRAuD.**

**TT: What?**

**uu: THERE IS NO HEART THAT BEATS INSIDE YOu. WITH PASSION FOR ILLuSTRATED DEBAuCHERY. AS CAN BE SAID OF TRuE MEN.**

**uu: YOu ARE FALSE AS THE RED YOu PAINT YOuR WORDS WITH. YOUR LIES ARE RED AS THE HERRING YOu REPRESENT.**

**TT: I... guess these burns are pretty sick?**

**TT: They are burns, right?**

**TT: It seems you may have just called me a fish.**

**uu: YOuR ATROCIOuS TALE IS FuLL OF SO MANY SHITTY RED HERRINGS. AND YOu ARE THE SHITTIEST. BY FAR.**

**uu: OH LOOK. THIS MAN IS NOT WHAT HE APPEARS TO BE. OR IS HE? NO HE'S GLASSES.**

**uu: THE MYSTERY IS SOLVED. WHO GIVES A FuCK.**

**TT: It sounds like you don't even know what a red herring is.**

**uu: BuLLSHIT. I AM BASICALLY THE MASTER OF ALL RED HERRINGS.**

**uu: THEY SWIM THROuGH MY VEINS. THIS WAY AND THAT.**

**uu: YOu HAVE TO BE VERY GOOD AT RED HERRINGS. WHEN YOu ARE AS GOOD AT GAMES AS ME.**

**TT: How does one even be "good at red herrings?"**

**TT: Are you saying you employ misdirection effectively?**

**TT: Because I have to say, dude. This has not been my observation.**

**uu: THAT'S A FuCKING LAuGH.**

**uu: YOu KNOW THE GAME I WANT TO PLAY? WITH REAL DIRK.**

**uu: IT HAS SuCH A PERFECT SHITTY TWIST ENDING!**

**TT: Oh, wait.**

**TT: I remember this.**

**TT: Last year you messaged Dirk, bugging him to play one of your dumb porno games.**

**TT: You said you tried to get him to play in the future, but he was busy fighting drones.**

**TT: And you kept going on about the shitty twist ending to your game.**

**uu: BORING LIES FROM THE RED LINES. **

**uu: YOu ARE BAD AT GAMES. **

**uu: AND A GAME. **

**uu: IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO PLAY. **

**uu: DIRK. **

**uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. **

**TT: God damn it.**

**uu: HELLO DIRK. **

**uu: LET'S PLAY A GAME. **

**uu: THE GAME WILL NOT INVOLVE THE RED LINES. **

**uu: DO YOu HEAR ME? **

**TT: He's tuning you out, bro.**

**TT: I'm telling you.**

**TT: If you want to play a game with him, you'll have to do it in the past.**

**uu: OK. **

**uu: THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA. **

**uu: tumut **

**undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT] **

**uu: HELLO DIRK IN THE PAST.**

**uu: LET'S PLAY A GAME.**

**TT: Alright. **

**uu: DO NOT EVEN FuCK WITH ME.**

**uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOu. AND A GAME IS EXACTLY THAT WHICH WILL BE PLAYED BETWEEN uS.**

**TT: I said I'd play. **

**uu: DIRK. I WANT YOu TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY.**

**TT: You got it. **

**uu: IF YOu FAIL TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY.**

**uu: THERE WILL BE CONSEQuENCES.**

**uu: AND WHEN CONSEQuENCES HAPPEN. THAT IS WHEN BLOOD BEGINS TO FLOW.**

**uu: YOuR FuTuRE SELF SPENDS ALL HIS TIME BEING IN THE FuTuRE. HE PRIORITIZES BEING IN THE FuTuRE AND FIGHTING DRONES OVER PLAYING MY GAMES.**

**uu: YOuR PAST SELF SHOuLD CONSIDER THE COSTLY INDISCRETION OF YOuR FuTuRE SELF'S BEHAVIOR. BEHAVIOR WHICH ENTAILS BEING IN THE FuTuRE ALMOST AS MuCH AS NOT DOING WHATEVER I FuCKING TELL HIM TO.**

**TT: Dude, I'm sitting here with my stylus ready to go. Do you want me to draw you some porn or not. **

**uu: OH YES.**

**uu: YOu WILL DRAW ME MY PORNOGRAPHY, DIRK HuMAN STRIDER.**

**uu: I WILL HAVE MY POuND OF SMuT.**

**TT: ... **

**TT: I'm waiting. **

**uu: OR I WILL MuRDER MY SISTER.**

**TT: Gotcha. **

**TT: What'll it be. **

**uu: SHE WILL BE DEAD AND I WILL REJOICE WITH THE LIVELIEST LITTLE JIG YOu EVER SAW.**

**uu: HER PuTRID HARLEQuIN SLIME WILL LEAK FROM HER WOuNDS AND SOAK HER uGLY YELLOW ROBE.**

**uu: AND HER BODY. WILL BECOME A STuPID CORPSE.**

**uu: HER MOON BODY I MEAN.**

**uu: IT WILL MARK THE BEGINNING. AT LEAST.**

**uu: OF MY uLTIMATE VICTORY IN THIS GAME BETWEEN uS.**

**uu: BETWEEN ME AND HER. NOT ME AND YOu.**

**uu: DIRK LET'S PLAY A GAME.**

**TT: Dude, listen. I am perfectly willing to draw you some pornography. **

**TT: It doesn't need to be part of a game. You don't got to murder nobody. **

**uu: I WILL IF YOu DON'T DO WHAT I SAY.**

**uu: HOW VERY IRONIC. THAT A LIFE HANGS IN THE BALANCE. uPON YOuR WILLINGNESS TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY.**

**uu: THE VERY PORNOGRAPHY. WHICH YOu HAVE SPENT A LIFETIME DRAWING. IN YOuR SPARE TIME. BECAuSE YOu PRESuMABLY ENJOY DOING SO.**

**TT: How is that ironic? **

**uu: OH YES. HOW IRONIC IT IS INDEED.**

**uu: AND IT IS FuRTHER IRONIC. THAT THIS GAME IS IRONIC.**

**uu: IT IS THE VERY IRONY. WHICH YOu YOuRSELF HAVE SPENT A LIFETIME WALLOWING IN.**

**uu: AND uSING TO JuSTIFY INTERESTS AND BEHAVIORS. WHICH ARE DuMB AND CONFuSING.**

**TT: Whoa. Mindfuck. **

**TT: Seriously, should I just start drawing naked people or what. **

**uu: uH. NAKED PEOPLE?**

**TT: Yeah. Naked people doing it and stuff. **

**TT: You know. Porn. **

**uu: OH. NO.**

**uu: NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.**

**uu: AWFuL HORRIBLE BARF. NO. FuCK THAT NOISE.**

**uu: THERE WILL BE NO NuDITY.**

**uu: OR WHATEVER uNPLEASANT BEHAVIOR THAT PASSES FOR PROCREATIVE EXERCISE AMONG YOuR PEOPLE.**

**uu: WHAT I HAVE IN MIND IS SO MuCH MORE.**

**uu: SCANDALOuS...**

**TT: Awesome. **

**TT: Lay it on me.**

A drone pushed future Dirk to the ground. Past Dirk put the tip of his stylus against his drawing pad.

**uu: I WOuLD LIKE YOu TO DRAW. IN VARIOuS PAIRINGS.**

**uu: YOu AND YOuR FRIENDS. INVOLVING EACH OTHER IN ASSORTED DEBASEMENTS.**

**TT: Sure. That doesn't bother me a bit.**

**TT: Sounds totally great. "Hot," even.**

**uu: GOOD. GOOD.**

**uu: LET THE uNSAVORY HOTNESS BEGIN.**

**TT: Who do I start with?**

**uu: HOW ABOuT.**

**uu: THE JANE HuMAN.**

**TT: Right. One Crocker coming up.**

**TT: Who else?**

**uu: LET'S SAY.**

**uu: YOu.**

**uu: HA HA HA. OH YES.**

**TT: No problem.**

**TT: Which assorted debasement did you have in mind for us?**

**uu: YOu WILL DEPICT.**

**uu: THE JANE HuMAN.**

**uu: ON THE RECEIVING END.**

**uu: OF...**

**uu: ONE OF YOuR HuMAN KISSES.**

**TT: Uh.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: I mean, are you sure you want me to go there?**

**uu: SHuT YOuR MOuTH AND FuCKING DRAW.**

**TT: Just making sure.**

**TT: Man.**

**TT: Seriously gonna have to sterilize my tablet after this.**

**TT: Ok, how's that?**

Dirk sent **uu** a link to a quick sketch of himself kissing Jane on the cheek with his hand on one of her breasts. He had written "cop" next to the touching.

**uu: OH NO. WHAT IS THAT.**

**uu: WHAT THE FuCK IS YOuR HAND DOING.**

**uu: EXPLAIN YOuRSELF!**

**TT: Dunno. Coppin' a little feel I guess.**

**TT: Just adding some sizzle to the steak. What's the big.**

**uu: REMOVE THAT.**

**TT: Come on dude, don't be like that.**

**uu: REMOVE THE AMOROuS HuMAN LIMB AT ONCE.**

**uu: DO IT NOW.**

**uu: I'LL KILL HER. I WILL FuCKING DO IT.**

**TT: Fine.**

**TT: There.**

Dirk erased the hand and redrew it at his side and added the letters "un" at the beginning of "cop". He sent **uu** the link.

**uu: AHHHHH! **

**uu: YES. **

**uu: OHHH. HO HO. **

**uu: OH YES. **

**uu: THAT IS... **

**uu: *DIIIRTY* **

**TT: You are a man who likes his tepid ass porn, I will give you that.**

**uu: MAKE HER SAY. **

**uu: "YOu ARE BEAuTIFuL." **

**TT: Done.**

On the same drawing, Dirk wrote **You are beautiful.** above Jane's head and **Thx.** next to Dirk's.

**uu: YES. GOOD.**

**uu: AND NOW MAKE THE KISS. HAPPEN WITH BOTH OF THE HuMAN LIPS.**

**uu: TOuCHING TOGETHER.**

**uu: AND MuCH CLOSER TO THE SCREEN. TO SEE THE ACTION BETTER.**

**uu: AND TELL HER.**

**uu: THAT SHE IS DARLING TO YOu.**

**TT: Ok.**

Dirk drew another picture with himself and Jane kissing on the lips. **You are darling to me.** ***fuckin swoon***

**uu: FuuuCK.**

**uu: YES.**

**TT: What now.**

In the future, Sawtooth unleashed a bunch of torpedoes, firing them at the drones. Dirk sliced the head off the top of another one.

**uu: THERE WILL BE NEW ACTORS IN THIS VuLGAR EXHIBITION.**

**uu: YOu WILL INCLuDE THE JAKE AND ROXY HuMANS NOW. AND IT WILL BE SIMILARLY DISGuSTING.**

**TT: You got it.**

**TT: Which steamy adult activities would you like me to convey this time?**

**uu: MAKE THE ROXY HuMAN STROKE HIS HAIR.**

**uu: SHE NEEDS HIM. AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER. EMOTIONALLY.**

**TT: You have a filthy mind, but ok.**

**TT: Here.**

Dirk drew it. ***stronk*** **Hot damn!**

**uu: GOOD.**

**uu: I WANT TO SEE LONGING IN HIS EYES.**

**uu: MAKE THERE BE LONGING. DO IT.**

Dirk zoomed in on Jake's face and drew dotted lines coming out of his eyes. **Looooong.**

**uu: AH HA HA! SO GOOD.**

**uu: HAVE THEM EXECuTE THE HuMAN MANEuVER YOu CALL.**

**uu: "THE HuG."**

Dirk drew Jake and Roxy hugging.

**uu: OHHH. DAMN.**

**uu: THAT IS JuST.**

**uu: SO.**

**uu: *NAAAAAASTY.***

**TT: I'm sweating profusely, fyi.**

**TT: Gonna have Squarewave track down a towel soon.**

**uu: NOW HAVE THE JAKE HuMAN SAY.**

**uu: OH GOD.**

**uu: I FEEL SO uTTERLY OBSCENE EVEN *TYPING* THIS.**

**uu: HA HA. FuuuCK.**

**uu: MY CHEEKS ARE PROBABLY BRIGHT RED RIGHT NOW.**

**TT: Typing what?**

**uu: MAKE HIM SAY...**

**uu: "I LOVE YOu."**

**TT: On it.**

Dirk drew Jake with his hands on Roxy's shoulders. **I love you.** **ommmmg**

**uu: THAT IS.**

**uu: SO FuCKED uP.**

**uu: uuuuuRNG.**

**uu: I CAN HARDLY STAND IT.**

**uu: IT'S SO FuCKED uP BRO!**

**TT: I agree.**

**TT: All kinds of things wrong with this scenario here.**

**uu: SHE WANTS TO HuMAN MARRY HIM NOW.**

**uu: MAKE THE BITCH SAY SHE WANTS TO HuMAN MARRY THAT FuCKER!**

**TT: Stand by.**

He drew Roxy down on one knee, saying: **lol lets hunan marry**

**uu: HE SAYS YES!**

**uu: HE SAYS FuCKING YES THIS INSTANT YOu WRETCHED PILE OF SHIT!**

**Yes.** ***sobe***

**uu: FuuuuuuuuuCK.**

**uu: THAT SHIT IS SO.**

**uu: *TENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDER.***

**TT: You know it.**

**TT: Slow cooked to fucking perfection.**

**uu: I WOuLD LIKE THEM TO COPuLATE OFF SCREEN.**

**uu: THEY WILL BEAR A CHILD IN THE uNSEEMLY HuMAN MANNER.**

**uu: BuT YOu WILL DEPICT NONE OF THE OFFPuTTING DETAILS OF THE RITuAL.**

**uu: SHOW THEM EXPERIENCING HuMAN WEDDED JOY. WITH THEIR OFFSPRING. NOW.**

**TT: Yeah, gimme a minute.**

**TT: Ok.**

He drew a picture of Jake and Roxy in wedding attire, holding a little baby girl in between them.

**uu: NO. THIS ISN'T AS GOOD.**

**uu: IT'S NOT AS TITILLATING AS I DESIRE.**

**uu: HAVE THE MALE EAT THE CHILD.**

Dirk redrew the same drawing with the baby in Jake's mouth. Roxy had her hand to her mouth and was saying: **jake no what r u doin 2 r bb**


	190. Book 11 Chapter 17: Shitty Twist

Chapter 17: Shitty Twist

**TT: So are we done?**

**uu: YOu WOuLD LOVE THAT. WOuLDN'T YOu.**

**TT: Nah. I'm fine with doing more if you want.**

**uu: HOW CONVENIENT IT WOuLD BE FOR YOu. IF WE STOPPED PLAYING MY GAME. AND LET MY SISTER OFF THE HOOK.**

**TT: Do you want me to pretend I don't want to play?**

**TT: Like, is that part of the kink for you? Kind of a roleplaying thing?**

**uu: SHuT THE FuCK uP.**

**TT: "No, no, please. Don't make me draw any more pics of my friends snuggling and stuff."**

**TT: Strider said, having spent the better part of the night gnawing through his duct tape gag.**

**uu: LOOK AT THESE PATHETIC STALLING TACTICS. AS IF I DON'T KNOW AN ATTEMPT TO DERAIL ONE OF MY DIABOLICAL GAMES.**

**uu: WHEN I SEE ONE.**

**TT: That's good. Keep saying things like that.**

**TT: I'll keep doing my part.**

**TT: "Somebody save me from this LIVING NIGHTMARE. The things he has made me DO."**

**uu: MAYBE YOuR IRREVERENCE FOR MY GAME. STEMS FROM THE FACT THAT YOu DON'T GIVE A FLYING FuCK ABOuT MY IDIOT SISTER?**

**uu: HA. LIKE I COuLD EVEN BLAME YOu. WHAT A CLOYING WINDBAG SHREW. SHE IS WORTHLESS TO EVERYBODY. I THINK YOu THINK SO TOO.**

**uu: YOu KNOW. YOu'RE AN ALRIGHT GuY. FOR A MONSTROuS FuCKuP LEAGuES BENEATH ME IN EVERY WAY THAT EXISTS.**

**uu: DIRK I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.**

**TT: Do you now.**

**uu: THOuGH YOu MAY NOT CARE ABOuT MY SISTER'S LIFE. THERE IS SOMETHING WHICH MAY MOTIVATE YOu TO KEEP PLAYING.**

**uu: AND THAT IS. CuRIOSITY.**

**TT: How so?**

**uu: AHAHAHA! YOu SEE! THAT RIGHT THERE. YOu ASKED A QuESTION.**

**uu: ASKING SHIT IS WHAT BEING CuRIOuS MEANS. I FuCKING WIN ALREADY. YOu TRASH.**

**TT: Damn.**

**TT: Owned.**

**uu: BuT THAT'S WHAT YOu DO WHEN YOu HAVE A SHITTY TWIST ENDING. PLANNED AT THE END OF ALL YOuR GAMES.**

**uu: SEE. THIS GAME HAS A TWIST. IT IS TWISTED LIKE A LITTLE CANDY SWIRL. THAT IS A KISS ON YOuR FACE FROM AN ANGEL. WHILE YOu MAKE A FuCKING FOOL OF YOuRSELF IN YOuR SLEEP.**

**TT: I know what a twist is.**

**TT: Or I did, until you kept saying stupid shit that doesn't mean anything.**

**uu: EXACTLY.**

**uu: IF YOu WANT TO KNOW MY SHITTY TWIST.**

**uu: YOu HAVE TO KEEP PLAYING MY GAME.**

**TT: Well, not only was I pretty psyched to keep playing regardless.**

**TT: I'd rather do just about anything than listen to you ramble on and on about your horseshit twists.**

**uu: VERY GOOD.**

**uu: THE LECHEROuS AMuSEMENTS.**

**uu: THEY WILL NOW INVOLVE.**

**uu: THE BOTH JANE AND ROXY HuMANS.**

**TT: Cool.**

**uu: AW YES. DOuBLE THE TASTY BITCHES.**

**uu: GETTING A LITTLE...**

**uu: MAAAuDLIN TOGETHER.**

**TT: Uh.**

**TT: Ok.**

**uu: THEY ARE IN THE MOOD FOR.**

**uu: SWEETS.**

**uu: JuST LIKE ME.**

**uu: I LIKE CANDY.**

**uu: DO YOu LIKE CANDY. DIRK.**

**TT: I guess.**

**uu: WHAT ABOuT.**

**uu: COTTON CANDY.**

**TT: I never tried it.**

**TT: This shithole planet doesn't have any.**

**uu: IT IS SOOO.**

**uu: FLuFFY.**

**uu: AND MELTS IN YOuR MOuTH.**

**uu: BLuE AND PINK. GET BETWEEN MY JAWS. POOFY FLuFFY COTTON CANDY. LET ME DISSOLVE YOu.**

**uu: THAT IS WHAT I CALL THIS PAIRING. OF NASTY PREMIuM BITCHES.**

**TT: You know, considering you're obviously just going to ask for more ultra-tame shit, you still somehow made this legitimately creepy.**

**TT: Nicely done, I guess?**

**uu: AH YES. HOW YOu SQuIRM NOW.**

**TT: I'm not squirming.**

**uu: LIKE BuLLFuCK YOu AREN'T.**

**uu: NOW DRAW.**

**TT: I'm already drawing.**

**TT: What should I make these "premium bitches" do?**

**uu: NOTHING JuST YET. WE WILL NOT BE RECKLESS WITH THEIR COuRTSHIP.**

**uu: THEY TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE MILK THIS FuCKER AND MAKE ITS TEAT OuR BITCH. IT WILL BE DELICIOuS.**

**TT: Ok. **

**TT: So they're just... **

**TT: Standing there? **

**uu: ONE OF THEM IS SHY AND RELuCTANT TO ADVANCE.**

**uu: JANE. THE JANE HuMAN IS RELuCTANT AND SHY.**

**uu: YOu WILL RENDER THE JANE HuMAN AS SHOWING A BASHFuL AND COQuETTISH DEMEANOR.**

**uu: I DON'T KNOW HOW SOMEONE DRAWS THAT THOuGH. I'M NOT A FuCKING ARTIST.**

**uu: YOu'RE THE ARTIST. MAKE THAT HAPPEN. AND MAKE IT PERFECT.**

**TT: Not a problem. **

**TT: Ok: **

Dirk drew Roxy holding a martini her hand and eyeing Jane's "**(bomtom)**". The bashful, blushing Jane was saying: **Rolal chan…**

**uu: OOOOOOOH. LOOK AT HER.**

**uu: SHE HAS HER EYE ON THAT ROMANTICALLY DESIRABLE BITCH. OH WHAT SHE WOuLD SAY TO HER. IF SHE COuLD SuMMON THE NERVE.**

**TT: Maybe she wants to ask her out?**

**uu: SHuT uP. I'M RuNNING THIS.**

**uu: NOW.**

**uu: THE ROXY HuMAN TAKES THE INITIATIVE IN THE ENCOuNTER.**

**uu: SHE PLACES HER BEVERAGE ON THE FLOOR. SHE SAuNTERS uP TO JANE. AND PERPETRATES ONE OF YOuR HuMAN "WINKS".**

Dirk drew Roxy with her hand on Jane's butt with a ***huwan wink***. She had put down the martini glass on the floor.

**uu: SHE KEEPS HER FuCKING HAND TO HERSELF YOu PRESuMPTuOuS TOOL.**

**uu: ERASE THAT. NOW.**

He erased Roxy's hand from Jane's butt and changed the text above her head to say: ***humane wink***.

**uu: AND NOW.**

**uu: THE ROXY HuMAN OPENS HER HEART. AND PROFESSES HER "FEELINGS".**

**uu: THE BITCH TELLS THE OTHER BITCH A POEM.**

**uu: MAKE THE BITCH SAY A POEM. DO IT.**

**TT: Sure.**

**JANE: Your eyes.**

**JANE: Are an ocean.**

**JANE: Your breasts.**

**JANE: Are also an ocean.**

**ROXY: *gasp***

**uu: DAMN! OH DAMN.**

**uu: HA HA. LOOK AT HER. SHE'S EATING THAT SHIT uP.**

**uu: GIVE THE BITCH A ROSE!**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: Which one?**

**uu: NO WAIT.**

**uu: BOTH BITCHES GIVE *EACH OTHER* A FuCKING ROSE!**

Dirk drew them presenting roses to each other with the caption: Booyeah. Double roses.

**uu: YES!**

**uu: YES!**

**uu: NOW MAKE HER.**

**uu: MAKE HER DO THE THING. THE SHAMEFuL THING WHERE SHE RuBS THE ROSE ON THE HER FACE.**

**uu: YOu KNOW. THE HuMAN PRACTICE. WHEREBY POIGNANT EMOTIONS ARE CONDuCTED THROuGH FACIAL TISSuE.**

**uu: AS CHANNELED THROuGH THE STEM OF A FRAGRANT PLANT. DRAW THAT SHIT.**

He had Jane stroke Roxy's face with her rose. Roxy was saying: **oooooh i m drunk**

**uu: MAKE HER SING!**

**uu: JANE HuMAN SINGS. WHILE STILL DOING THAT. HER SuLTRY PARTNER GLISTENS WITH EMOTIONAL PERSPIRATION DOLLOPS.**

**JANE: Who you gonna call.**

**JANE: Ghost.**

**JANE: Busters.**

**ROXY: *pornspire***

**uu: uuuuuuNGH.**

**uu: OH *MERRRCY*.**

**uu: THAT IS JuST.**

**uu: SOO.**

**uu: GRODY.**

**TT: Does your sister even know you're into this sappy shipping stuff?**

**TT: You berate her constantly for everything, and I know she likes to write and illustrate romfics and the like.**

**uu: NO. SHE ENJOYS IT FOR WRONG AND DISGuSTING REASONS.**

**uu: HER FASCINATION WITH THE RED STIRRINGS OF INFERIOR RACES. IT STRIKES ME AS TOO SINCERE AND THEREFORE REPELLENT.**

**uu: MY ENJOYMENT IS. IRONIC.**

**TT: Again, you just don't seem to know what ironic means.**

**TT: Your enjoyment of this content is clearly sincere. You are just fetishizing your "disgust" for it, is all.**

**uu: FuCK YOu WITH THAT ASSESSMENT.**

**uu: YOu DON'T TELL ME. OF WHAT VALuE THE PORNOGRAPHY HAS TO ME. IN MY OWN GAME.**

**uu: YOu JuST FuCKING DRAW. AND DON'T TALK.**

**TT: I'm just saying, it's an interest you have in common. If you told her you liked her romantic artwork, maybe you could bond over that?**

**uu: BONDING.**

**uu: IS THE LAST FuCKING THING WE NEED TO DO.**

**uu: I HAVE NOT TOLD HER OF MY IRONIC FASCINATIONS. AND YOu WILL NOT EITHER.**

**uu: I WILL NOT TELL HER. THAT I SECRETLY PERuSE HER WORK IN A STATE OF PETRIFIED MORTIFICATION FOR HOuRS. AND NEITHER WILL YOu.**

**TT: Fair enough.**

**TT: So, game over yet?**

**uu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**uu: NO.**

**uu: I SAID BEFORE.**

**uu: THESE STEAMY BOTHERED uP BITCHES ARE HuNGRY FOR SWEETS.**

**uu: THE JANE HuMAN HAS BAKED A CAKE.**

**TT: And?**

**uu: THE JANE HuMAN HAS BAKED A CAKE.**

**TT: Ok.**

Dirk drew a cake in Jane's hand.

**uu: AW FuCK. THOSE BITCHES EYEBALL THAT LuSCIOuS CONFECTION.**

**uu: IT'S MOIST AS SHIT. IT TEMPTS THEM. THEY BEGIN TO HuMAN SALIVATE.**

**ROXY: ommm so gud**

**JANE: Get into my mouth, cake.**

**uu: THE MuTuALLY SWOONING BITCHES GET FRISKY WITH THE TREAT.**

**uu: ROXY HuMAN CHOPS OuT A WEDGE. FEEDS IT TO JANE HuMAN'S ZEALOuS SNACK HOLE.**

**TT: Ok.**

**uu: BuT. NOT SO FAST.**

**uu: SHE SMuSHES IT AROuND THE GREEDY CAKESLuT'S HuMAN LIPS AND FEATuRES.**

**uu: MISGuIDED FEELINGS OF FONDNESS AND LEVITY WAX INCREMENTALLY.**

**uu: A GIGGLE IS RELEASED.**

**TT: Oh shit.**

**TT: Things are really heating up now.**

Dirk had Roxy ***gigigle* **and Jane say: **Ditto.** Their mouths were covered in frosting.

**uu: YES. FuCK YES.**

**uu: I WANT THEM TO HuMAN "HOLD HANDS". THEY WILL HuMAN "HOLD HANDS" NOW.**

**uu: THEIR ODIOuS "LOVE" IS BLOSSOMING BEFORE OuR EYES AND TO OuR uNSPEAKABLE DISMAY. CAN YOu FEEL IT DIRK?**

**TT: Yes.**

**uu: MAKE THEIR CAKEY HANDS. BECOME CLASPED TOGETHER AS ONE.**

**uu: IT FEELS MuSHY AND SLIPPERY. THEY ENJOY THE SENSATION IMMENSELY. IT IS VILE.**

Dirk drew them with their hands clasped together.

**uu: YES!**

**uu: CLOSER!**

**uu: GET THE FuCKING CAMERA CLOSER YOu DOuCHE BAG!**

**uu: I WANT TO SEE SOME *DETAIL*. HIGH DEF THAT STICKY MESS.**

Dirk humored **uu**'s request.

**uu: OHHHHHHHHHH.**

**uu: FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK.**

**uu: THAT IS JuST DOWNRIGHT.**

**uu: *AFFFFFFFECTIONAAAAAATE.***

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: Those girls sure are diggin' each other.**

**TT: That's how we humans roll.**

**TT: Eat some cake. Hold some hands.**

**uu: AH. BuT THEIR TAWDRY ROMP IS FAR FROM OVER. **

**uu: JANE HAS HAD A LITTLE TOO MuCH CAKE TO EAT. **

**uu: PERHAPS HER HuMAN TuMMY NEEDS A RuB? **

**TT: Ha ha.**

**TT: Oh god.**

**uu: WHAT'S THIS! COuLD IT BE. **

**uu: YOuR BREAKING POINT IS IN SIGHT. **

**uu: YOu ARE BECOMING SQuEAMISH. I CAN FEEL IT. **

**uu: YES. **

**uu: YESSSSS. **

**TT: If you think this is making me uncomfortable, think again.**

**uu: NO I'LL THINK ONLY ONCE. YOu ARE SuCCuMBING TO MY GAME. YOu ARE BECOMING PSYCHOLOGICALLY uNGLuED AND I AM WINNING. **

**TT: Nice wishful thinking there.**

**TT: I'm not even merely tolerating this, bro.**

**TT: I swear to god, I'll get my own horse running harder in this fuckin' race than you could ever dream.**

**uu: WHAT. HORSE? **

**TT: Think I'll blink first, motherfucker?**

**TT: Not happening.**

**TT: I might splinter.**

**TT: But I don't break.**

**uu: OH WHATEVER. ASSHOLE. **

**uu: IS THAT SuPPOSED TO BE "COOL". **

**TT: You want a fuckin' tummy rub?**

**TT: That shit sounds white hot. I can't wait to draw that and get us both sexually stimulated.**

**TT: Here I goddamn go. Boners galore.**

Dirk drew a gif of Roxy in a nurse outfit bending over Jane and rubbing her tummy.

**ROXY: nurnse rolol 2 the tummy rescue!**

**JANE: Oooooooh.**

**TT: This is giving me the biggest male human boner of my entire erection life.**

**uu: STOP MENTIONING MALE HuMAN BONERS.**

**uu: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE. AND I DON'T WANT TO.**

**uu: SO IF THAT WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG.**

**uu: TO MENTION BONERS.**

**uu: YOuR PLAN FuCKING SuCKED.**

**TT: You want a shitty twist?**

He linked **uu** to a gif of Nic Cage saying "boner".

**uu: OK.**

**uu: WE'RE DONE HERE.**

**uu: THIS GAME IS OVER.**

**TT: Aw, that's it?**

**TT: I thought we were getting into a good rhythm there.**

**TT: Anyway, you missed out on like half the pairings.**

**uu: WHAT. HALF. NO WE DID MOST OF THEM DIDN'T WE. **

**TT: No, we did three, and there are three possible matchups left.**

**TT: Don't you know anything about shipping science?**

**uu: THAT'S A THING? **

**uu: HOW THE FuCK COuLD THAT BE A THING. **

**TT: Believe me.**

**TT: It's a thing.**

**TT: Total number of pairings for a group of n people is (n^2 - n) / 2.**

**TT: You divide by 2 to cut the grid in half, eliminate duplicate pairs.**

**TT: Minus n is so you don't pair people up with themselves. That wouldn't make sense.**

**uu: AND WHY THE FuCK NOT? **

**TT: Well, because...**

**TT: I don't know.**

**TT: Maybe you're right. Maybe I was being close-minded about self-pairing. What do I know?**

**uu: JACK SHIT OBVIOuSLY. **

**uu: ANYWAY. FuCK ALL THAT. YOu DON'T SPOIL GOOD DEBAuCHERY. WITH A LOT OF STuPID MATH. **

**uu: YOu MAY THINK YOu'RE SMART. BuT EXCESSIVE SMARTNESS CAN MAKE YOu BE MORE OF AN IDIOT. **

**uu: INTELLIGENT IDIOCY CAN BE EASILY EXPLOITED BY THE CuNNING AND RuTHLESS. JuST A TIP FOR YOu. BRO. **

**TT: I'll make a note.**

**TT: So you sure you don't want even one more drawing?**

**TT: You used Jane and Roxy in two pairings. But me and Jake only got one.**

**TT: How is that fair?**

**uu: I DECIDE WHAT IS FAIR IN MY GAMES. **

**uu: IF YOu ARE PROPOSING TO ILLuSTRATE THE JAKE HuMAN BEHAVING AMOROuSLY WITH THE DIRK HuMAN. THE ANSWER IS NO. **

**TT: Why not?**

**uu: THAT ENCOuNTER DOES NOT SEEM AS REPREHENSIBLY SCANDALOuS. **

**uu: FIRST OF ALL. I ASK OF YOu. WHERE ARE THE BITCHES AT? **

**uu: I REST MY CASE. **

**TT: Lame.**

**uu: SECOND OF ALL. I DON'T WISH TO LANGuISH IN THE PuMPKIN PATCH. **

**TT: What?**

**uu: ORANGE AND EMERALD. uNPLEASANT TOGETHER. **

**uu: I HAVE NO TASTE FOR PuMPKINS. OR ANY HORRID VEGETABLE MATTER. **

**uu: MEAT OR CANDY. THAT'S WHAT'S GOOD. THE GAME IS OVER. **

**TT: Fine.**

**TT: I'll keep all my illustrated debasements to myself, then.**

**uu: GOOD. DO THAT. **

**TT: Ok. I will.**

**TT: So did I win?**

**uu: I WILL SAY. **

**uu: YES. **

**uu: YOu WERE COOPERATIVE AND GENERALLY ENTHuSED ABOuT MY GAME. **

**uu: CONGRATuLATIONS DIRK. **

**TT: Thanks.**

**TT: So what's the shitty twist?**

**uu: AH! BuT NOT SO FAST. **

**uu: YOu SEE. THERE IS A TWIST TO MY SHITTY TWIST. **

**TT: A twisted twist?**

**TT: Like... a double mobius handjob or something?**

**uu: YES. PROBABLY. **

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: What is the twist to the twist?**

**uu: THE TWIST TO THE TWIST IS.**

**uu: I WON'T TELL YOu WHAT THE SHITTY TWIST IS FOR A YEAR!**

**TT: Wow.**

**TT: That...**

**TT: Really is quite a shitty twist.**

**uu: YOuR GRATIFICATION ON THIS MATTER WILL BE DELAYED.**

**uu: I HAVE NOTICED. AS YOuR AWFuL MEANDERING SAGA WENDS ITS WAY. THROuGH THE ASS CRACK OF NOWHERE AND BACK.**

**uu: ANSWERS TO POINTLESS QuESTIONS ARE OFTEN DEFERRED. NIGH INDEFINITELY.**

**uu: AND SO THIS WILL CAuSE YOu TO REFLECT. uPON A LIFETIME SPENT.**

**uu: BEING INSIDE A BuLLSHIT STORY LIKE THAT.**

**uu: IS THE IRONY NOT FuCKING DELICIOuS?**

**TT: Not really.**

**uu: I WILL TELL YOu THE FATE OF MY SISTER IN ONE YEAR.**

**uu: AT THAT TIME I WILL TELL YOu THE TWIST.**

**uu: AND ALTHOuGH YOu PLAYED MY GAME SuCCESSFuLLY.**

**uu: IN ORDER TO SPARE HER LIFE.**

**uu: IT WILL HAVE TuRNED OuT.**

**uu: ALL ALONG.**

**uu: TO YOuR SHOCK AND ASTONISHMENT.**

**uu: THAT...**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

Future Dirk landed amidst the carnage of drones only to find that **uu** was pestering him again.

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**uu: THAAAAT…**

**uu: I ALREADY KILLED HER! **

**TT: What?**

**TT: Killed who?**

**uu: AHHH. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. **

**TT: Oh, right.**

**TT: I forgot about this horseshit.**

**uu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.**

Dream **UU**'s body lay dead in her tower on Prospit, lime green blood spatter across the floor.

**uu: HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA. HAA!**

**uu: AND THE GREAT THING IS. **

**uu: HOW I GOT THE IDEA FROM YOuR GAME. **

**TT: What idea?**

**TT: The idea to kill her dream self?**

**uu: NO.**

**uu: TO GET THE ARCHAGENT TO DO IT. **

**uu: TO GET HIM TO GO TO PROSPIT. **

**uu: AND KNIFE A BITCH. **

**uu: SINCE AS YOu MuST KNOW. **

**uu: A DERSE GuY CAN'T JuST GO FLYING ACROSS THE MEDIuM. **

**uu: IT'S AGAINST THE RuLES. **

**uu: SO. **

**uu: I HIRED HIM. **

**TT: How?**

**uu: I PAID HIM OFF. **

**uu: WITH CANDY. **

**uu: EVERY MAN HAS HIS PRICE. **

**uu: WHEN IT COMES TO SWEETS.**

**uu: ALTHOuGH. **

**uu: HE WAS PROBABLY WILLING TO DO IT. EVEN WITHOuT THE BRIBE. **

**uu: NOIR IS THE BEST THERE IS. **

**uu: VERY uSEFuL. **

**uu: VERY STABBY. **

**uu: I MIGHT EVEN CONSIDER HIM. **

**uu: MY BEST FuCKING FRIEND. **

**uu: IF I DIDN'T FIND THE HuMAN EMOTION OF FRIENDSHIP. **

**uu: NEARLY AS SICKENING AS IT BARELY QuALIFIES. **

**uu: AS AN ACTuAL EMOTION.**

**uu: BASICALLY WHAT I'M SAYING IS. **

**uu: I'M YET ANOTHER STEP CLOSER. **

**uu: TO BEING IN TOTAL CONTROL. **

**uu: OF THE NEW GAME I AM ABOuT TO PLAY. **

**uu: AND THE OLD GAME BETWEEN uS. **

**TT: Wait...**

**TT: What game between us?**

**uu: NO.**

**uu: NOT YOu AND ME.**

**uu: uS.**

**uu: HER AND ME.**

**uu: ME AND HER.**

**uu: THERE ARE ONLY A FEW MOVES LEFT.**

**uu: BEFORE I CAN MATE WITH HER.**

**TT: Whoa.**

**uu: WAIT. FuCK. WHAT DID I SAY?**

**uu: I MEAN.**

**uu: BEFORE I CAN MATE HER.**

**uu: MATE. AS IN CHECK MATE. IT'S A FIGuRE OF GODDAMN SPEECH.**

**uu: YOu KNOW. LIKE IN CHESS? **

**TT: No. What's that?**

**uu: SHIT HEAD.**

To be continued in Book 12: Cherubs and Dancestors 


	191. See, I have this thing

[Insert title of this chapter here] where I like to make content longer without actually having any content. This is why I have a bad habit of writing authors notes at the top of every chapter. It's because I'm bored with the standard Homestuck routine. Just kinda... updating, posting chapters... it's stale. STALE STALE STALE STALE. Like a piece of bread left outside for days. Although that wouldn't really lead to it being stale; it would probably just be mostly gone when you came back with a giant pile of ants crawling all over what's left. But I digress.

The point is, the Homestuck novel is boring. Not the story. Not the plot. Not the characters. But the rewriting of it. And guess what I have? :D _Full control of the narrative!_

My question to you, the reader, is this: just how badly do you think I'm able to fuck shit up? I'm sorry Hussie, but where doing this man. Where making this hapen.

-Aris

In fact, go ahead and click next chapter to see...


	192. Beach 1-1

In "Morn: Reveal Your Real Name", not only did I reveal my **True Name**, but also mentioned something about a thing I was writing that would be discoverable through my bandcamp? Yeah well oops here it is. Teehee not fucking shit up in any way whatsoever nope not at all ^~^

-Not even going to sign this one properly because I don't feel like it

-Actually yeah

-Aris

* * *

Beach 1.1

_Please refrain from reading this story if cursing in excess and/or suggestive themes bother you._

He sat up calmly, serenely, with not a care in the world. It was as though his spirit had been lifted of some great responsibility that he could not fathom.

A bird flew overhead and he looked up, puzzled. He'd never seen that kind of bird before. Sure he'd seen pictures, but... _what was a seagull doing in_... in... where exactly? A quick purveyance of his surrounding environment yielded an explanation. Sand. He was on a beach.

He smiled and closed his eyes, silently basking in the comforting sunlight of... It struck him hard, his eyes flying open as though he was being stabbed through the stomach. The sharp implement wormed its way into his body, twisting in on itself as he began to consider the full implications of his realization. He didn't know where he was, no, but not only that. He didn't know where he was supposed to be. He didn't know who he was.

His breathing sped up and he glanced around in sharp, unfocused spurts for something familiar. Anything familiar. Some landmark he could recognize that would help jog his memory. After all, total amnesia was the sort of cliched plot device that existed only in stories, where people would conveniently forget their entire history, only to retain information about how the world works. It wasn't something that happened in real life. And yet, that seemed to be the case.

What about his name? Could he remember his name? A name sprung to his mind. Umarr. Umarr Unada. What ethnicity was he? He looked down at his hand and saw a very dark tan skin color. He could've been anything, really, and the ocean wasn't reflective enough to check. Neither was there any glass on the beach. Speaking of which, there was no litter anywhere. No granola bar wrappers; no shards of beer bottles; no ziploc bags from picnics. It was beautiful, pure, pristine. He wondered what beach he was on.

Umarr clambered to his feet and, shielding his eyes from the sun's lurid glare, looked out towards the ocean. The waves lapped gently against the shore, splashing up towards his feet as if they were trying to climb up a ramp that they kept sliding down. The incline of the beach, however, was gentle. A few seagulls could be heard over the calm sea breeze. It was about noon. The tranquility would be broken in a few hours. Soon, too, he'd be able to tell what direction everything was. Just as soon as the sun moved.

Further inland was a dense forest consisting of various tropical trees. The beach itself extended straight down along the water, the coastline running perfectly parallel with the forest. At either end of the beach, a sharp, only slightly beveled corner turned at a right angle and the coastline continued perpendicularly into the distance. Umarr could not see what happened beyond that, as the trees were blocking it. Another glance at the surrounding areas revealed that there were no far shores or coasts to be seen. A horrifying thought occurred to him. What if he was alone on a square island?

Upon looking back up at the sun, he realized that it had moved in the direction of the forest. He was very clearly on the east side of this mysterious land. There was a large rock in a clearing he could see through the trees in a direction he now recognized to be southeast. It looked to be almost twice as tall as he was—maybe eleven or twelve feet? It stuck out of the ground almost like a giant crudely crafted arrowhead, with a pointy top and flat sides. If it hadn't been so wide, Umarr would've wondered how it remained standing. He made his way towards it cautiously, identifying it as the only significant landmark of the area.

There was a distant shout from behind him and he spun around, looking north, nerves on edge. At the northeast corner stood a boy a couple of years younger than him—sixteen or so. He was a very pale Caucasian, perhaps American or Eastern European. Could the other speak… whatever Umarr spoke? _English,_ Umarr decided. _I speak English_. Possibly. Hopefully.

They stood on opposite sides of the beach, looking at each other intensely from a distance about the length of a football field, neither daring to move. If either of them spoke, it was likely the other wouldn't hear over the growing roar of the wind and waves. Eventually, Umarr took a step forward, and so did the boy. Gradually, they began to make their way towards each other until they were only a few yards apart.

"Hello?" the other boy called, prompting a sigh of relief on Umarr's part. He had a very distinctly Southern United States accent. "Do you speak English?" Umarr supposed he must have seemed more like a native of the tropical island, his dark skin mimicking a tan.

"Yes. Yes, I do," he responded. He was surprised when he spoke with a mild accent. Was that… Japanese?

"Oh, thank goodness," the boy said, relieved. "Where am I though?" Umarr shrugged. Neither of them had any clue. "Did you just wake up on the beach too? Do you remember who you are?"

"It looks like we're in the same situation," Umarr said, contorting his mouth into a frown. "I hope we weren't criminals or anything. I hope that they're not dumping us here to experiment on us."

It was conceivable that they were criminals. They were both muscularly built, and had reacted to the situation without much pomp.

"I'm Fex," the other boy said, extending his hand genially. "I think." He frowned.

Umarr cautiously returned the gesture. "Umarr." He stood there awkwardly, playing in the sand with his bare toes. "So, um..."

"What now?" Fex asked, cocking his head.

Umarr pointed to the tall rock in the clearing. "I was about to head over there before you showed up. It's a convenient point of reference and we'd be able to climb the trees around it to look around. If we really are on an island…" he trailed off.

"I could see that the northwest corner was curved too," Fex said grimly. "It _looks_ like we're on an island."

Umarr sighed. "We could at least make sure by walking along the coast?"

"Sounds like a good idea." They turned and began to make their way to the southeast corner, their feet padding along the sand quietly.


	193. Beach 1-2

Beach 1.2

There was a welcome silence as they walked; Umarr was able to further ponder the unusual circumstances he'd been thrown into, but no train of thought seemed to lead to any particularly profound revelations. They passed the rock and turned to the west. Umarr's heart sank further upon seeing that there was, indeed, another bevelled corner, turning back north. They were on an island, and a rather small one, at that.

"Maybe…" he began, but he trailed off. Thankfully, Fex picked up the slack to avoid an awkward lull in the conversation.

"There might be a secret tunnel that leads underground," he suggested.

"A possibility," Umarr said, unconvinced. "I still don't understand how we could just…" Fex cut him off with a knowing look and they walked on in silence.

They peeked around the southwest corner as they reached it, looking along the western side of the island. At the northwest corner was a small peninsula of sorts that widened from the corner outwards into the sea, forming an almost triangular shape. In the center of this weird coastal formation was a small circular patch of grass with a single palm tree in the center. This tree, although distant from where they stood, was a very distinctive landmark, rising from the ground like a broadcasting tower in the middle of a barren plain. It wasn't the tallest tree on the island, but its isolation made it stick out like a sore thumb.

The tree itself, however, was not what the two boys were focused on about the convex peninsula. It was the fact that there was someone standing in the grassy area, underneath the shade of the tree. This person was shorter than either of them, standing at perhaps five and a half feet. She didn't seem to be particularly distraught about the situation; she was casually leaned against the tree.

"That girl wasn't there before," Fex whispered.

"Maybe she's a native?" Umarr said, raising his hands to his mouth. "Oy! You, over there!" he shouted as loudly as he could. She turned to face him. "Yeah, you! Do you know where we are?" They could just barely hear a faint "no" in response.

Umarr and Fex began to jog towards her. As they approached, they realized that she was, in fact, shorter than Umarr had thought. Only just slightly, but Umarr had guessed low to begin with. She was more like 5 feet 2 inches.

She had jet black hair, a short pointy nose, and large, alert eyes. Fex extended his hand first with a seductive smile. "Fex Qalin," he said. "Are you from the area?"

She shook the hand and shrugged. "Nope. I... don't have any idea what's happening." Her pitch rose dramatically on the last word.

Umarr offered her his hand as well; she took it and shook more warmly than she had with Fex. "Umarr Unada." He let go and looked from the girl to Fex and back. "I'm surprised none of us have been screaming our heads off."

"We probably will," Fex said matter-of-factly. He looked intensely at the girl. "Hmm... what's your name, babe?"

"Just call me Rey, she said, her expression hardening. "And just so you know, I have literally no interest in guys."

Fex made a face. "Oh. You're one of _those_ people."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rey asked coldly.

"Not the time," Umarr said quickly, before the conversation could progress. "We're stranded on an island in the middle of who knows where. Our primary goal should be to find out where exactly we are."

Fex flipped him off, as though Umarr's invalidation of his actions was unacceptable. "Fuck you. We're doing this my way."

Umarr gaped at him, open-mouthed. Fex had gone from civil, a boy just as lost as he was, to this uncouth character in a matter of mere seconds. "What the hell, man? I'm serious here; we can't be wasting our time."

Fex snarled and assumed a more aggressive stance. Rey looked on with an unimpressed look, as if the proceedings did not bother her in the slightest.

"We need to get organized, survive, a-and…" Umarr began desperately, but stopped as Fex leaped at him.

Umarr's attacker landed on him with a thud, pinning his arms down against the beach. "Listen," Fex hissed. Umarr struggled under the other's weight, but Fex was strong and knew how to hold someone down. "We'll do that, okay? But you're going to have to listen to me if you want to survive." He sneered. "You fuckers have no concept of survival! If it were up to you we'd be sitting around a campfire singing bullshit songs about friendship. We can't let weak links live."

"How is she weak?!" Umarr exclaimed panickedly. "Just because she's into girls? I mean, if you're going to stereotype, aren't lesbians supposed to be str—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Fex screamed, jamming his hand down on Umarr's mouth. Umarr didn't have a good enough angle to bite him. "I hate you! I hate you and your calm logic bullshit! I'm done!" And with that, he smacked Umarr across the jaw, stood, and fled. Umarr tried to grab his ankle, but Fex managed to evade him and disappear into the woods.

The boy lay there, gently rubbing his jawbone. "Goddammit," he managed to say.

Rey was frowning. "They. I prefer they," they spoke quietly. "And I'm not a lesbian."

It took a second to register, but Umarr nodded. Although he didn't completely understand the idea of the non-binary persuasion, he knew enough to respect it. "Well... yes, okay. I'm sorry about Fex... I didn't realize..."

"I get it a lot," Rey said, shrugging. "Don't worry about it."

"Nnn..." Umarr said, getting to his feet with a groan. "Well... we'd better see if there's anyone else in our situation. I'm assuming you woke up on the beach and..."

Rey nodded. They had remembered three things only about themself when they'd woken up: their full name (Reyna Xanthus), that they went by Rey, and that they preferred "they, them, theirs" as pronouns. Why they preferred those pronouns was unclear, but they'd had to check their privates to know if they were biologically male or female. They had discovered that they were female.

There was a scream from somewhere to the east. Rey and Umarr turned to see a girl of about twelve or so on the beach, looking around in panic and horror.

"Well, looks like not everyone takes the idea that they're stranded on a random island with no memories as calmly as us," Rey muttered. "And so it begins."


	194. Wait

*Aris warily eyes the time* Was yesterday an update day? Yesterday was an update day. And now it's tomorrow. Wait. Does that mean... what happened to today? I'm so confused...

My head hurts... I think the whole Beach thing is too much... I'm going to go back to NORMAL updates with NORMAL Homestuck characters.

Yeah. So. I hope you enjoyed that little teaser? I guess... the thing will be on my bandcamp...

...

*Aris sighs* Okay then, Hussie. You've won this time...


	195. Book 12 Chapter 1: Fishpunnery

Book 12: Cherubs and Dream Bubbles

Chapter 1: Fishpunnery

**ARANEA: WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE DOING?**

She and Jake had just arrived, having walked down from Aranea's planet via fancy branches. The metal symbol of the Signless, previously jangling, stopped as she did. The Mayor stood far in the background, observing the proceedings casually.

Meenah was fighting Karkat and Dave off with her golden trident. Kanaya was in the air with her chainsaw, leaping at the fuschia fish lady. Rose stood to one side, watching, while Terezi had her face in her hands.

**ARANEA: Stop it, all of you!**

Kanaya landed and jumped to the side, turning her attention on Aranea.

**ARANEA: You couldn't even wait a few minutes while I retrieved one last guest?**

**ARANEA: I have to come 8ack to THIS?**

**TEREZI: 1 4M SORRY 4R4N34**

**TEREZI: 1 TR13D TO T3LL TH3M 4LL TO B3 COOL**

**TEREZI: NORM4LLY W3R3 SO MUCH COOL3R TH4N...**

**TEREZI: *SNORT***

**TEREZI: WHY DO 1 4LW4YS TRY TO T3LL P3OPL3 W3R3 COOL?**

**TEREZI: W3 4R3 SO V3RY UN COOL :[**

**ARANEA: Every8ody?**

**ARANEA: Excuse me, are you listening?! I would like to introduce you to someone.**

**ARANEA: His name is...**

**ARANEA: HEY!**

**ARANEA: MEENAH! I SAID CUT IT THE FUCK OUT.**

**ARANEA: Yes! you!**

**ARANEA: The dead miscreant with the goggles waving around the stupid trident.**

**ARANEA: Put it down!**

**MEENAH: what**

**MEENAH: no way**

**ARANEA: Yes way.**

**MEENAH: no**

**MEENAH: wanna poke these suckas up**

**ARANEA: Put it down.**

**ARANEA: I'm serious.**

**MEENAH: come on lemme puncture one of em**

**MEENAH: just a little**

**MEENAH: how bout this shout ass nubby motherglubber who looks like whats his face**

**ARANEA: I said drop it.**

**MEENAH: what like on the floor**

**ARANEA: Yes on the floor!**

Meenah dropped the trident on the ground and Dave and Karkat stepped away.

**ARANEA: Now step away from it. That's right.**

**ARANEA: 8ack. A little further.**

**ARANEA: I said further!**

**ARANEA: No, not closer! Further!**

**ARANEA: Uuuuuuuugh.**

**ARANEA: Guess what! You just lost your poking privileges.**

**ARANEA: I think I'll hang on to this for a little while. How do you like that?**

**MEENAH: s'chool**

**ARANEA: Ooooooooh. It sure is pretty. Is that real gold? Or, pardon me, "reel."**

**ARANEA: I 8et I could sell it for a small fortune.**

**MEENAH: aw man**

**MEENAH: no dont**

**ARANEA: Watch me!**

**MEENAH: yeah like a fuckin ghost could even sell anyfin**

**MEENAH: any of you scrubs know where to find the prawn shop in this bitch**

**TEREZI: TH3 WH4T?**

**MEENAH: some ho is angling to sell ma gold pointy jam**

**MEENAH: look at her pawin up my royal loot with her clammy shitmitts**

**MEENAH: greedier spectacle i never did sea**

**MEENAH: water you blind there pyrope lookin dimwit**

**TEREZI: Y3S**

**MEENAH: then listen up**

**MEENAH: she wants**

**MEENAH: to hock**

**MEENAH: my swank fuckin carats**

**MEENAH: got it**

**TEREZI: W3LL**

**TEREZI: MOST OF US H3R3 4R3 1N F4CT R4TH3R W34LTHY**

**TEREZI: 1 4M NOT SUR3 1F SH3 W1LL F1ND 4N 1NT3R3ST3D BUY3R THOUGH :]**

**MEENAH: this sure became a retarded line of talkin**

**DAVE: (rose whos the john looking kid)**

**ROSE: (I think it's young Father-Grandad Harleybert.)**

**DAVE: (what)**

**ARANEA: Ok then!**

**ARANEA: Has everyone settled down? Do I have everyone's attention?**

**MEENAH: attention huh**

**MEENAH: whoda thought**

**MEENAH: you would want any of THAT**

**ARANEA: Just stop. Please?**

**ARANEA: I know it's only 8een minutes since you died, and you pro8a8ly aren't thrilled to see me for any num8er of reasons.**

**ARANEA: 8ut for me it has 8een millenia! I have 8een waiting a long time to see you again, and orient you to the afterlife.**

**MEENAH: heh**

**MEENAH: being a ghost isnt anyfin you need to be oriented to**

**MEENAH: were D-EAD who cares**

**ARANEA: Excuse me for looking forward to our reunion then! I guess I 8uilt it up in my mind as something special for a whole lot of nothing!**

**MEENAH: yeah probubbly**

**MEENAH: what elses new though**

**MEENAH: need to swimmer down girl**

**MEENAH: you dead**

**MEENAH: time to act like the fucks you give stopped existin**

**MEENAH: like they...**

**MEENAH: disaspeared 38T**

**ARANEA: Then you don't care at all, is that it? My waiting here all this time to see you means nothing?**

**DIRK: Dude, is it just me, or is this kind of awkward.**

**DIRK: Why did she even drag you here.**

**JAKE: (Sh!)**

**MEENAH: i mean**

**MEENAH: having to wait milleniums and stuff**

**MEENAH: as a ghost with too much to say**

**MEENAH: that is nook loads of time**

**MEENAH: but i mean**

**MEENAH: we both might of lived that long**

**MEENAH: if we didnt up and die just now**

**MEENAH: or at least i woulda**

**MEENAH: sounds to me like boring times ahoy either fuckin way**

**ARANEA: ?**

**ARANEA: What is even your point!**

**MEENAH: um**

**MEENAH: dunno?**

**MEENAH: sorry serket**

**MEENAH: lets hug it out later**

**MEENAH: aight**

**ARANEA: I think I have completely forgotten the su8tle art of determining whether you're 8eing sincere, through your tangled fishnet of aquatic puns and little sta8s of hostility.**

**MEENAH: fishnet!**

**MEENAH: fishnet yessss**

**MEENAH: you coulda just said net but you said fishnet instead 3**

**ARANEA: Do you think you can at least remain well mannered while I 8ring the others up to speed on some critical matters?**

**MEENAH: uh lets sea**

**MEENAH: no**

**ARANEA: Grrrrrrrr.**

**ARANEA: That's it. I'm selling off this gaudy trinket.**

**MEENAH: no fuck you gimme that**

**ARANEA: I have developed an eye for priceless treasure.**

**ARANEA: Do you have any idea who I grew up to 8e in the new world we made?**

**ARANEA: I'd wager if I put it on the 8lack market, it would fetch a fee to the tuna several 8illion 8oonies.**

**MEENAH: TUNA 38D**

**MEENAH: tuna tuna tuna tuna**

**MEENAH: i love you**

**KARKAT: WOW. HEY.**

**KARKAT: FUCKING *EXCUSE ME***

**MEENAH: what**

Roxy floated nearby, a firefly seemingly guiding her.

**KARKAT: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT YOU.**

**TEREZI: K4RK4T S3TTL3 DOWN!**

**TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU**

**TEREZI: TH3Y 4R3 SOM3 OF OUR 4NC3STORS**

**KARKAT: THEY AREN'T OUR ANCESTORS. WE DON'T HAVE ANCESTORS.**

**KARKAT: ANCESTRAL LEGACIES ARE A LOT OF SUPERSTITIOUS, ARISTOCRATIC BULLSHITTERY, INVENTED BY HIGHBLOODS SO THEY GET TO FEEL EVEN MORE SMUG AND SELF SATISFIED THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.**

**KARKAT: EVEN IF WE DO HAVE THEM, WHO CARES? WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?**

**TEREZI: YOUR3 B31NG V3RY RUD3 :|**

**KARKAT: LISTEN. I DON'T KNOW THEM.**

**KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO WASTE TIME PASSING THROUGH DREAM BUBBLES IF I'M NOT GOING TO SEE MY DEAD FRIENDS.**

**KARKAT: IF YOU DRAGGED ME ALL THE WAY UP HERE TO MEET, OH SAY, GHOST NEPETA. FUCKING GREAT!**

**KARKAT: I'LL HANG OUT WITH DEAD NEPETA ALL DAY LONG. HELL, EVEN SOME RANDOM NEPETA FROM A DOOMED TIMELINE. THAT WOULD BE ALRIGHT.**

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE ME FIFTY FUCKING NEPETAS! WHY THE HELL NOT. WE'LL CALL OUR JOURNEY THROUGH BLACK ENDLESS DESPAIR "NEPETAQUEST".**

**KARKAT: BUT THESE LOSERS? WHO CARES ABOUT THEM. I DON'T NEED TO BE MAKING ANY NEW FRIENDS. I HAVE ENOUGH "NEW FRIENDS" AS IT IS.**

**ROXY: zzzzzz**

**KARKAT: MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY, RANDOM HUMAN!**

**KARKAT: I'M LEAVING.**

**TEREZI: BL4RGH YOU 4R3 SO T3RR1BL3!**

**MEENAH: that guy!**

**MEENAH: nubbyshouts**

**MEENAH: that guy is cool!**

**KARKAT: THANKS, WHOEVER THE FUCK!**

**KARKAT: BYE.**

**MEENAH: aw man**

**MEENAH: hes so much cooler than whats his shit**

**MEENAH: why couldnt whats his shit be more like nubs mcshouty**

**MEENAH: our team had no cool buoys at all**

**ROXY: le zzz**

**MEENAH: sleepy fishbait is right**

**MEENAH: this is a fuckin drag**

**MEENAH: can i go hang out with shouty instead**

**ARANEA: No.**

**KARKAT: NO.**

**MEENAH: 38C**

**DAVE: (hey rose)**

**DAVE: (i dunno if this is a weird question)**

**DAVE: (but like)**

**DAVE: (do you think we should try and wake up our teen mom)**

**DAVE: (or what)**

The Mayor looked up at Roxy with his hands on his old rags in awe.

**ROSE: (I'm not sure if that's a good idea.)**

**ROXY: zzzzees ;)**

**DAVE: (why)**

**DAVE: (sounds good to me)**

**DAVE: (mayor what do you think)**

**DAVE: (you hear that rose)**

**DAVE: (the mayor thinks its an awesome idea)**

**DAVE: (me too buddy me too)**

**ROSE: (Ok, since I've clearly been outvoted on the matter, and democracy has spoken, I guess I should clarify.)**

**ROSE: (I'm not sure if it's actually possible.)**

**DAVE: (why)**

**ROSE: (I don't think she's ever woken up before.)**

**DAVE: (oh)**

**DAVE: (cant you throw some yarn at her)**

**DAVE: (that worked on me didnt it)**

**ROSE: (You were technically already awake.)**

**ROSE: (Also, I don't happen to have any yarn on me at the moment.)**

**ROSE: (Do you have any yarn on you, Dave?)**

**DAVE: (what the fuck kind of question is that)**

**DAVE: (i am the fucking yarn king)**

**DAVE: (be passin out yarn like cheap cigars)**

**ROSE: (Cheap cigars...?)**

**DAVE: (dream mom gave teen ecto birth or some shit)**

**DAVE: (turned out the baby was us)**

**DAVE: (so like)**

**DAVE: (handing out yarn in the waiting room)**

**DAVE: (like cigars you see)**

**DAVE: (to other serious dads from the 1950s)**

**DAVE: (cheap ones cause you dont wanna go fuckin broke on cigars with a baby on the way)**

**DAVE: (gotta be frugal rose)**

**DAVE: (celebrate that shit but have some damn sense about your cigar budget)**

**ROXY: smack snack**

**ROXY: zzxxx**

**DAVE: (but yeah i dont got any yarn)**

**ROSE: (I just,)**

**ROSE: (Don't see how you can make remarks with such frequency that are so obliviously and so generically loaded from a Freudian perspective.)**

**ROSE: (It's flabbergasting, really. You never miss a chance.)**

**ROSE: (Cigars? Describing a scenario where you are both given birth to by your teen mother, as well as playing the role of the proud father in the waiting room?)**

**DAVE: (oh god no stop)**

**ROSE: (What should I make of the fact that the phallic imagery you've selected is not only inexpensive, but is administered freely and mirthfully to other expecting fathers?)**

**ROSE: (Or that the object standing in for the phallic symbol is something you're proposing to throw at our mother's head!)**

**DAVE: (just shut the fuck up!)**

**DAVE: (arent you magic or something)**

**DAVE: (are you still magic or is your superpower now just talking a lot and wearing orange)**

**DAVE: (why dont you use your magics to wake her up)**

**DAVE: (arent you kinda curious to talk to her)**

**DAVE: (like find out what her deal is)**

**ROSE: (Yes.)**

**ROSE: (But I don't think I know that spell.)**

**DAVE: (hey what even is magic anyway)**

**DAVE: (like are spells real like when you do magic are you actualy doing legit spells like the dipshits in harry potter)**

**DAVE: (babbling up some false baloney ass latin)**

**ROSE: (Not really?)**

**DAVE: (i knew it what a load of shit that all is)**

**ROSE: (What?)**

**DAVE: (spells and shit)**

**ROSE: (Um. Ok?)**

**ROXY: *SNOAR***

Drool dripped from Roxy's open mouth.

**DAVE: (hey rose)**

**ROSE: (Yeah?)**

**DAVE: (does mom seem to kinda be)**

**DAVE: (like uh)**

**ROSE: (What?)**

**DAVE: (i dont know)**

**DAVE: (a sloppy sleeper)**

**ROXY: zzzzzznort,,..**

**ROSE: (That's pretty much how she always slept.)**

**ROSE: (This includes discovering her sleeping in unusual places.)**

**DAVE: (is she drunk or something)**

**DAVE: (can a dream self be drunk)**

**ROSE: (Yes.)**

**DAVE: (what really)**

**DAVE: (just like that thats the answer)**

**DAVE: (like thats something you actually know for sure)**

**ROSE: (Yes.)**

**DAVE: (what the fuck)**

**DAVE: (is it seer powers that let you know that or did you read it in a book)**

**DAVE: (why would someone write that in a book)**

**DAVE: (how would you even know that)**

**ROSE: (I know from experience, I guess.)**

**DAVE: (yeah bs)**

**DAVE: (there wasnt even time for that)**

**DAVE: (drinking or anything)**

**DAVE: (with all the grimdark nonsense and carting around moon bombs)**

**DAVE: (and anyway you dont like booze)**

**ROSE: (Not really. But it grows on you to some extent.)**

**DAVE: (you are fucking with me)**

**ROSE: (Do you remember the timeline Davesprite was from?)**

**DAVE: (oh)**

**DAVE: (right)**

**ROSE: (I still remember some things.)**

**ROSE: (It was actually pretty similar to the way things have been for the last year on this meteor.)**

**ROSE: (There wasn't very much to do.)**

**ROSE: (But there was a house full of liquor.)**

**KANAYA: (Whats Liquor)**

**DAVE: (SHIT)**

**DAVE: (oh god i never get used to how quietly troll vampires sneak around)**

**KANAYA: (What Are We Talking About Here)**

**DAVE: (liquor is booze you drink it and it makes you fall down and slur words and understand sports)**

**DAVE: (and apparently snore like an off road motorcycle)**

**ROXY: lol snork ;D**

**KANAYA: (Oh A Soporific Human Substance)**

**KANAYA: (Got It)**

**ROSE: (What are they talking about over there?)**

**ROSE: (I think we might be missing something important.)**

**KANAYA: (I Honestly Have No Idea Whats Going On So I Came Over Here To See If You Knew)**

**DAVE: (yeah we know fucking squat)**

**DAVE: (maybe we should have been paying attention i dont even know what the hell these people are talking about)**

**DAVE: (kind of too many people here maybe karkat was right to sit this one out)**

**DAVE: (grandpa johns not saying much)**

**DAVE: (i kind of wonder whats up with him)**

**DAVE: (maybe hes shy or freaked out hey why did he even show up with that troll girl)**

**DAVE: (should i say something to him or)**

**DAVE: (this is awkward)**

**DAVE: (terezis all asking them questions and stuff)**

**DAVE: (she is like literally the only one on the ball here this is embarrassing)**

**ROSE: (They're looking at us.)**

**DAVE: (oh god yeah)**

**TEREZI: W1LL YOU GUYS STOP MUMBL1NG TO YOURS3LV3S 4ND G3T OV3R H3R3!**

Dave, Rose, and Kanaya sauntered closer to where Terezi, Meenah, and Aranea were talking. Jake stood to one side with Brain Ghost Dirk.

**TEREZI: YOUR3 M1SS1NG 4 LOT OF F4SC1N4T1NG STUFF 4BOUT OUR 4NC3STORS!**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVE: can you maybe like**

**DAVE: give us the gist of it**

**TEREZI: 3R**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1...**

**ARANEA: May8e I should just start over from the 8eginning.**

**MEENAH: glubber fuck**

**MEENAH: somemoby kill me**

**MEENAH: again**

**MEENAH: make me double die**

**MEENAH: can that happen can you kill a ghost**


	196. Wow

Another setback has... ehehehe... unfortunately caused my update schedule to be thrown off-kilter. This means no update for approximately two weeks. Please don't burn me! D:

-Aris


	197. Book 12 Chapter 2: The Batterwitch?

Chapter 2: Meenah the Batterwitch?

**ARANEA: Meenah, please!**

**ARANEA: Our nice new friends have missed some very IMPORTANT DETAILS!**

**MEENAH: cod almighty**

**MEENAH: dont you sea**

**MEENAH: these chumps are too polite to say they dont give a flip**

**MEENAH: specially that poor buoy you lured on to your boat**

**MEENAH: lookit him**

**MEENAH: too polite and afraid to say anyfin at all**

**DIRK: I'm not.**

**JAKE: (Sh!)**

**ARANEA: Very well.**

**ARANEA: If you speak for everyone with respect to what is most interesting to talk a8out, then what is your porpoisal?**

**ARANEA: I mean proposal!**

**MEENAH: 38D!**

**ARANEA: (Stupid infectious fish puns.)**

**ARANEA: (Took all of five minutes to pull me into your insmanatee again.)**

**ARANEA: (Insanity! Ugh.)**

**MEENAH: (eelmao!)**

**TEREZI: W3LL**

**TEREZI: W3 COULD JUST NOT WORRY 4BOUT 1T 4ND K33P T4LK1NG L1K3 W3 W3R3**

**TEREZI: 1 W4S CUR1OUS TO H34R TH3 4NSW3R TO MY L4ST QU3ST1ON**

**ARANEA: Oh, sure!**

**ARANEA: You wanted to know how we all died.**

**ARANEA: That's a pretty interesting story, don't you think, Meenah? :::;)**

**MEENAH: whatebber**

**ARANEA: However, I don't think much of it will make sense without some major contextualization.**

**ARANEA: There's really quite an amazing amount of nuance to the full sequence of events. Many different players, personalities, conflicting agendas, all interwoven together.**

**ARANEA: I'll need a little time to set the stage for everything to 8e comprehensi8le, if you all don't mind indulging me for a while.**

**ARANEA: You could say it all started during our darkest hour, when it 8ecame clear our failure was inevita8le. I took it upon myself to venture into the palace of my denizUMPH.**

Meenah had clammed Aranea's mouth shut with her hand. I mean clamped.

**ARANEA: MMMMMMMMPH!**

**MEENAH: yo listen up**

**MEENAH: ill make this reel quick**

**MEENAH: ok so we all lost cause everybody sucked but me**

**MEENAH: so serket here wanted to do the scratch thing that would make us all not exist**

**MEENAH: but i found out from monsters we could keep existin if we was a bunch of ghosts**

**MEENAH: thing is nobody ever has the guts to off anybody**

**MEENAH: let alone themshellves**

She shook The Tumor and peered inside. A small triangle appeared as if it were a magic 8-ball. "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME," it read.

**MEENAH: so i blew us all the fuck up**

**MEENAH: and thats glubbin that**

**MEENAH: now were ghosts the end**

**ARANEA: Meempha.**

**ARANEA: Thap waf...**

Aranea pushed Meenah off of her.

**ARANEA: THE WORST STORY THAT HAS EVER 8EEN TOLD IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE.**

**MEENAH: whoa clam down**

**ARANEA: No! I will not "clam down." Clamming is not something you can do, unless you do it UP, or you are literally retrieving clams from a 8ed of soft oceanic soil.**

**MEENAH: clam your rumble spheres**

**MEENAH: seriously they is lookin lively girl everyones gawkin**

**ARANEA: You just have no respect for a well told story.**

**MEENAH: i said what happened didnt i**

**ARANEA: Only 8arely!**

**ARANEA: You left out so much! All the intrigue, the complicated interpersonal relationships, the 8ackstory, the responsi8le pacing.**

**ARANEA: Where was the WORLD 8UILDING, Meenah?**

**MEENAH: who gives a dolphin flip through a big ring of shit**

**ARANEA: Ok! I think I finally understand the art of storytelling now, thanks to you!**

**ARANEA: It turns out all you have to do is make series of short, mysterious statements without supplying context or any further ela8oration.**

**ARANEA: It's all so simple! Let's try it out.**

**ARANEA: Did you know that "what's his face" Vantas in our post-scratch world grew up to 8e a spiritual leader followed 8y millions?**

**ARANEA: They killed him though. He died handcuffed to something, while shouting a rude word. The end!**

**ARANEA: Leijon grew up to 8e his m8sprit! She wrote stuff down and spent a long time in a cave. That's that.**

**ARANEA: Their 8uddy Captor flew a ship for some hag. It wasn't a very cool gig. Maryam found a wiggler and died a slave. Did I mention our planet 8ecame kind of a shithole? No, I don't think I did, 8ecause that's apparently not how you "tell stories."**

**MEENAH: ...**

**MEENAH: go on**

**ARANEA: Zahhak 8uilt me a ro8otic arm. He was ordered 8y a high8lood to kill a girl 8ut he couldn't do it, and was 8anished. Really 8eat himself up over that. 8ut it's ok 8ecause his descendant redeemed the honor of his legacy 8y doing whatever a murderous clown told him to. Wait, was that too much detail? Forget I said some of that. Moving on!**

**ARANEA: Ampora was a pirate. No8ody liked him. He killed a lot of people, 8ut was later executed 8ecause he was una8le to tell a funny joke. What else needs to 8e said? That's right. Nothing.**

**ARANEA: Makara was the guy who didn't like his joke. He was terri8le and so is his story. Period.**

**ARANEA: Nitram was a hero who led a re8ellion. He killed me. 8ut not 8efore things got pretty steamy 8etween us. Want to hear the juicy details? You're out of luck!**

**MEENAH: aww man 38(**

**ARANEA: Pyrope cut off my arm and arrested me, 8ut I killed her. This triggered a karmic cycle of revenge which led to the eventual 8linding of her descendant.**

**ARANEA: Sorry, Terezi. Them's the 8r8ks!**

**TEREZI: W41T**

**TEREZI: WH4T?**

**ARANEA: As for me, well, I could go on ALL DAAAAAAAAY a8out that su8ject. 8ut I won't!**

**ARANEA: I was a cool pir8te. The 8est pir8! I lived a long time, had amazing adventures, got all the treasure, then died. That's all she wrote!**

**ARANEA: 8ut not literally. She wrote quite a lot in fact. She had a lot to say, just like me. Which is why she's so gr8.**

**ARANEA: Let's see. Who am I forgetting here?**

**MEENAH: uh**

**MEENAH: ahem**

**ARANEA: Oh, of course. Megido! Now there's an interesting story full of exciting twists and turns we won't 8e getting into.**

**ARANEA: She was kidnapped as a child 8y a creep, then served the creep's 8oss for millions of sweeps. She helped make everything lousy. Then you killed her and took her jo8.**

**ARANEA: Anyway, I think this tedious tale has gone on for entirely too long already!**

**ARANEA: I can't think of a single thing left to address that could possi8ly 8e of interest to anyone.**

**MEENAH: no no shut up**

**MEENAH: do me now what about me**

**MEENAH: waterboat meeeee!**

**ARANEA: Why, Meenah. Could it 8e that you would like to hear more?**

**ARANEA: I must 8e imagining things, 8ecause you are on record as finding my stories 8oring.**

**MEENAH: no these stories are more interesting than your usual ones**

**MEENAH: i can tell because im actually still a wake**

**ARANEA: Very well. You would like to know a8out your post-scratch adult life.**

**ARANEA: Would you like the short version? Or the long version?**

**MEENAH: uh**

**MEENAH: are those the only two options**

**ARANEA: You tell me.**

**MEENAH: how about**

**MEENAH: not the looooooooooooooooooooong version**

**MEENAH: like dont go full fuckin serket on us**

**MEENAH: but**

**MEENAH: dont leave out too much of the cool stuff?**

**MEENAH: shit man why do i gotta explain this to a presumably rational person**

**MEENAH: just tell me what ma junk was bitch!**

**ARANEA: Very well.**

**ARANEA: I shall strive to convey your story, including details which you are likely to find interesting on account of vanity, whilst attempting to refrain from going "Full Serket" on you and other hapless 8ystanders.**

**MEENAH: blub**

**MEENAH: come on spit it out windfang**

**MEENAH: no more adventures on the high breeze got it**

**ARANEA: Fine.**

**ARANEA: You want the a8ridged-version, 8ut-may8e-not-so-a8ridged, as-long-as-the-stuff-that-you-in-particular-would-like-to-hear-is-included, of the Meenah Peixes saga?**

**ARANEA: Here we go.**

**ARANEA: Instead of storming off to the moon in a huff, Peixes em8raced her role as an heiress. **

**ARANEA: Once she reached the age to challenge the empress, she killed her predecessor easily. **

**ARANEA: She did more to sink our race into perpetual darkness and violence than any empress before her, and her rule lasted the longest 8y far. **

**ARANEA: She conquered thousands of planets and star systems, many of them personally. She was responsi8le for the death of trillions. **

**ARANEA: Her reign was interrupted only 8y the extinction of our race, which was orchestrated 8y the omniscient creep I mentioned previously. **

**ARANEA: She flew back to her homeworld, killed Megido, and assumed control of her demonic powers. **

**ARANEA: In doing so, she also assumed her role as the servant to an indestructi8le demon, whose existence was a8out to result in the annihilation of our universe. **

**ARANEA: 8ut 8efore that, he had a new assignment for her. **

**ARANEA: Is this 8rief enough? Am I addressing all the "cool stuff" to your satisfaction? **

**MEENAH: 38o**

**ARANEA: That's the first half of her story. **

**ARANEA: In the second half, she escaped to a fresh universe to wreak more havoc. **

**ARANEA: She infiltrated a planet called Earth, which is home to a race called humans. These guys here. **

**ARANEA: On the post-scratch version of Earth (long story), she gained a8solute power, flooded the planet, and completely wiped out the human population, while expanding her a8ilities even further. **

**ARANEA: She then somehow entered the humans' game session, and took control there as well. **

**ARANEA: She did all this at the 8ehest of her employer, and has shown no signs of slowing her rampage, or ever dying, for that matter. **

**ARANEA: So, Meenah. How was that story? Are you 8ored yet? **

**MEENAH: 38o**

**JAKE: (Dirk...)**

**DIRK: What?**

**JAKE: (I think...)**

**JAKE: (I think thats the batterwitch!)**

**DIRK: Uh, yeah.**

**DIRK: You're just getting that now?**

**JAKE: (Great scott!)**

**JAKE: (I have to do something.)**

**DIRK: Do something? **

**DIRK: No, man. Just sit tight, ok? **

**JAKE: (But thats sea hitler! Shes right there in the spooky flesh!)**

**JAKE: (Remember all the horrible things you said she did?)**

**DIRK: Yeah, but... **

**JAKE: (Cripes it sets my blood aboil just thinking about it.)**

**JAKE: (I have to stop her! Thats why im here i just figured it out. I have to do it bro!)**

**DIRK: No you don't. Come on, don't be an idiot. **

**JAKE: (Yes i do thats what you do when you go back in time and find hitler.)**

**JAKE: (Thats like one of the rules of adventure if you have the chance to kill hitler and stop his crimes from happening then you do it!)**

**JAKE: (Oh man oh man oh man...)**

**DIRK: You didn't go back in time, Jake. Do you even understand what's going on? **

**JAKE: (I gotta do something ok ok how do i do this...)**

**JAKE: (Aw frig no time to think here i go!)**

**DIRK: Jake.**

He leaped at Meenah, hands outstretched.

**JAKE: HIIIIIIIIIIIII YA!**

**DIRK: Jake.**

**JAKE: DIE FISH HITLER DIE!**

**DIRK: Jake.**

**JAKE: I WONT LET YOU KILL MY PEOPLE!**

**ARANEA: Jake, no! What are you doing?**

His fist hit Meenah right in the left cheek.

**JAKE: KA POW! TAKE THAT!**

**DAVE: oh shit grandpa egbert juniordad totally snapped**

**ARANEA: Jake, stop!**

**JAKE: AND A BIT OF THAT!**

**DIRK: Dude, this is completely embarrassing.**

**JAKE: AND HOW ABOUT A SMIDGEN OF THIS!**

**DIRK: Everyone thinks you're either stupid or insane.**

**JAKE: WHAMBO!**

**MEENAH: oof**

**JAKE: YOU KILLED DIRK AND ROXYS BRO AND MOM RESPECTIVELY!**

**JAKE: OR YOU WILL LATER I THINK AND I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN!**

**ARANEA: No, no, Jake, that was in another universe! Or, I mean...**

**JAKE: I WONT LET YOU TURN MY PLANET INTO WATERWORLD!**

**JAKE: THAT MOVIE WAS GREAT! BUT NOT *THAT* GREAT!**

**ARANEA: She isn't the same person though! I mean, she is, 8ut...**

**JAKE: I CANT LET YOU EXPLOIT YOUR BAKED GOODS EMPIRE TO MASSACRE THE HUMAN RACE!**

**ARANEA: She won't grow up to do any of that! She's the pre-scratch version who...**

**ARANEA: You see, the 8atterwitch you're talking a8out was a totally different, uh...**

**JAKE: OVER MY DEAD BODY AM I GONNA LET YOU STICK A PAIR OF STINKIN JUGGALOS IN THE WHITEHOUSE!**

**ARANEA: Augh, why does this all have to 8e so complicated to explain!**

**JAKE: KARATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *CHOP!***

**MEENAH: oof **

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: juggalos**

**DAVE: rose is he drunk too**

**DAVE: what is going on**

As Jake assaulted Meenah viciously, Terezi scooched closer to Dream Ghost Dirk.

**TEREZI: (psst)**

**DIRK: ?**

**TEREZI: (so)**

**TEREZI: (wh4t 1s th3 d34l w1th you?)**

**TEREZI: (m1st3r br41n ph4ntom)**

**DIRK: The deal with me?**

**TEREZI: (y3s)**

**DIRK: I'm not sure how to answer that.**

**DIRK: What's the deal with you?**

**TEREZI: (uh)**

**DIRK: How are those horns working out for you?**

**DIRK: And also the fact that you're an alien? What's up with that?**

**TEREZI: (:?)**

**DIRK: Exactly.**

**TEREZI: (should 1 t3ll p3opl3 4bout you or...)**

**DIRK: You didn't see nothin'.**

**TEREZI: (y3s)**

**TEREZI: (th4t 1s tru3)**

**ARANEA: Jake, stop whaling on her like that!**

**ARANEA: I mean, wailing!**

**ARANEA: W8! Why am I even correcting myself? Those are homonyms!**

**ARANEA: No8ody could even tell which kind of whaling I meant!**

**JAKE: DRAGON PUNCH!**

**ARANEA: Jake!**

**JAKE: RIGHT IN THE FISHY KISSER!**

**ARANEA: I SAID.**

**ARANEA: ST8P!**

She hit Jake on the head with Meenah's golden trident.

**JAKE: DOOF.**

**ARANEA: Sigh.**

**ARANEA: Meenah, are you ok?**

Meenah didn't move. She had a large grin on her face.

**ARANEA: Meenah?**

Meenah's head was filled with visions of The Condesce.

**MEENAH: SOOOOOOOOOOO**

**MEENAH: COOOOOOOOOOOL**

**DIRK: So...**

**DIRK: I'm still here, right?**

**DIRK: Even though Jake woke up?**

**TEREZI: (1t would s33m so)**

**DIRK: Ok, just making sure.**

**DIRK: God my existence is weird.**

Jake sat up, clutching his head. The old noggin had been getting a workout lately, and he didn't mean the kind you get from puzzles. Good thing his trusty skulltop had taken some of the brunt. Also, good thing his trusty skull took the rest of it. The sturdy bone really made for a good backup helmet. Speaking of his skulltop, it seemed someone had left him a message.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**UU: jake, i don't have long to talk so i shall leave this note to yoU while yoU sleep and then go.**

**UU: i may have to begin, let Us say, bending rUles a bit more than i have?**

**UU: he is making things bloody impossible. oUr game is now nothing short of war. that is all i will say.**

**UU: well, i will also say this.**

**UU: i am scared oUt of my wits to go to sleep now. i don't know what will come of me.**

**UU: my dream self is kapUt, like yoUrs.**

**UU: bUt i don't fancy yoU will have troUble waking from yoUr nap.**

**UU: whereas i...**

**UU: best not to dwell on it i sUppose.**

**UU: i don't know what to do besides stall, and keep helping yoU as mUch as i can.**

**UU: now is the time to retrieve those weapons from the capsUle and prepare the gift!**

**UU: this is so important. the chain will not be complete Unless the delivery is made.**

**UU: bUt first yoU may want to test its capabilities.**

**UU: in particUlar... what are they called?**

**UU: the infinitesimalizer and monstrositifier?**

**UU: there sUre are some fUnny names for things strewn aboUt yoUr tale.**

**UU: remember, green means grow, red means shrink! bUt sUrely yoU know this.**

**UU: give it a go. perhaps try targeting that Unwieldy edifice stashed away in yoUr sylladex? coUld free Up some space!**

**UU: bUt remember to hold on to it. it remains as important as ever.**

**UU: i'll be sodding off then.**

**UU: so mUch to do, so little time. u_u**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

He looked at the time capsule. Still about twenty minutes to go before stuff was supposed to appear. In the meantime, might as well mess around with the bunny like she'd said and see if it worked.

Terry Kiser! Atta boy. He looked like he was ready and raring to be a loyal companion to his new owner, that lucky bastard. Jake would be a little sad to say goodbye. He'd hardly had a chance to get to know the bunny at all.

He dropped some delicious rambunctious fruits on the floor and activated the green beam. Green meant grow. This was seriously some Alice in Wonderland shit going on here. And soon he would send the rabbit on its way through the looking glass. These weren't the kinds of things that usually occurred to him though, especially after several blows to the head. He continued staring vacantly at the dancing fruit, while that kind of thing kept not occurring to him.

Eureka, the beam worked! Never a doubt in Jake's mind. Grandma's technology was pure modern witchcraft, like she'd busted loose from a big silver screen playing the Wizard of Oz or some nonsense, which also wasn't a thing that was occurring to him right now. This was exactly the kind of technology he could win big time awards for. The kind that could end world hunger. Or it would be if humanity wasn't about to go down the toilet anyway. What a bummer.

Jake deployed the massive thing that had been clogging up his sylladex forever. Some time after his house had exploded, he'd found the top of the tower in the jungle and snapped it up for safe keeping. Even if it hadn't had strong sentimental value, he probably would've grabbed it anyway. Globes, spheres… they were all cool in his book. But to be completely honest, he'd be relieved to have the inventory space back. He shrunk it with the red beam and…

Whoops, there it went, down the rabbit hole, and by rabbit hole he meant broken elevator. He'd need to fish it out of there. Supposedly one of his grandma's thingamajigs inside the globe was pretty important? He'd go get it in a few minutes though. The capsule flower was about to bloom!

Finally! The deadly armaments he had been waiting… huh. Those were the armaments? It just looked like a big silly pile of shit. Some weird rainbow hammer, a broken sword, a blue harpoon gun, and two white… quills? Oh well, he guessed that alien girl knew what she was talking about.

Hold on. The clock had reset itself to a new countdown. 1:11:11. Something else was going to come out of this thing in a little more than an hour. But according to the game plan, he wasn't even supposed to still BE here in an hour. He wondered what it could be? Guess he wouldn't be around to find out.

He shrunk the weapons down first with Terry's Infinitesimalizer. No way they'd have fit in that box along with the rabbit otherwise. Then he decided he needed to write an addendum to John about this stuff. John who was probably Jane's grandpa from the past, or maybe not really the past. Maybe like a young grandpa clone who lived in that ghost world where he'd seen all those other kids, including those two Dirk and Roxy-looking kids, and what he thought may have literally been a sleeping Roxy, but he wasn't totally sure? Why did everything have to be so complicated? Whatever, no big. Going on adventures wasn't about understand them. It was about being brave, and leaping into fistfights without thinking ahead!

He finished off his note with a few more friendly words, and something vague about who he really was. He was just following his alien friend's advice on maintaining a bit of secrecy so as not to cause timeline problems, but boy was it hard keeping secrets. He couldn't help himself, and slipped in a subtle clue that his grandmother was actually John's pal Jade. Tee hee. He figured if John was even half as sharp of Jake was, he would pick up on that right away. It was okay, it would just be a little secret between him and John. The pretend-British alien didn't even need to know.

Okay, Terry was ready to go. Jake asked the bunny kindly to put himself back in the box. He happily complied, and there was no reason at all to ask rhetorically why he wouldn't put himself back in the box. Jake placed him on the Transmaterializer's pedestal, and got ready to hit the Sendificate button one last time. He couldn't believe this project was finally finished. No more fun letters between him and his grandma. He guessed the next time he talked to her, it would be in person. Hard to believe! But then, for a guy like Jake, nothing was.

Jake hit the button and the box showed up in front of Jade on her island back in the B1 session. She wrote her own letter to John, this time a birthday one, and popped it in the box with the bunny, the weapons, and Jake's letter. Bec then appearified the box into a mail plane that was passing overhead.

The box was delivered to John's mailbox, and then his Dad picked it up and put it into his car. John entered the session. Rose picked up the car with the SBURB cursor and then lost connection, dropping the car onto the surface of LOWAS below. AR picked up the package and PM followed him into the palace on Derse, holding a parking citation. Jack appeared and gave PM the hitlist to kill the White King and Queen. The Black Queen showed up and forced Jack into various outfits until he reached into the box and used the bunny to kill her. Jack took the ring and grew into the Sovereign Slayer, his reincarnation before he was prototyped with Bec, then proceeded to murder all sorts of carapacians on The Battlefield. John fell towards the surface of The Battlefield and Jade grabbed his shirt and slapped his face repeatedly, trying to wake him up. She failed, pushed him out of the way, and was crushed by the falling meteor. John woke up, was given the package by the Mendicant, threatened at knifepoint by Jack, and Terry/Liv climbed out of the box and fought Jack off. He absconded to LOHAC to do further shenanigans. The Courtyard Droll, WV, and Liv Tyler climbed into the Dersite battleship, CD took John's Dad's wallet… the bunny snagged The Tumor from the wallet and met up with Dave and Rose on Derse. Dave and Rose flew into the Furthest Ring, deployed The Tumor, and stood on their quest beds, waiting for the bomb to explode. The explosion created the Green Sun, killed Rose and Dave, and shattered the bunny to pieces. Rose and Dave became God Tiers. Liv Tyler didn't make it.

And that was how everything happened. Terry Kiser. 11/11/11 - 4/13/09. Liv Tyler. 4/13/09 - ?. Too good for this world.


	198. Book 12 Chapter 3: Chess Match

Chapter 3: Chess Match

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: finally getting a bit aggressive with yoUr qUeen there?**

**UU: UsUally yoU aren't nearly as patient with her.**

**UU: the little "gambit" i permitted yoU at the start has certainly inspired some Unconventional play.**

**UU: it's not going qUite as miserably for yoU as i expected!**

**UU: i am sorry to damn yoU with faint praise, bUt with a track record like yoUrs, i sUspect one takes what he can get. ^u^**

**UU: rook to h4.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: SO FuCKING SMuG. HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY HOW GREAT IT'S GOING TO BE WHEN YOu'RE DEAD?**

**uu: JuST BECAuSE YOu HAVE NEVER LOST A MATCH. DOESN'T MEAN YOu WON'T LOSE THE GAME THAT REALLY MATTERS.**

**uu: NOR DOES IT EVEN MEAN YOu'LL WIN THIS ONE. IT'S FAR FROM OVER. TRuST ME.**

**uu: "BISHOP TO C6."**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: why have yoU been enclosing all yoUr moves in qUotes?**

**UU: yoU have really been acting so odd this match.**

**UU: knight to d6.**

**UU: look oUt! i'm coming for her.**

**UU: i think she's langUished behind the front lines long enoUgh, woUldn't yoU say?**

**UU: time to shake things Up. move her, or take my knight.**

**UU: yoU know yoU want to take her. jUst look at her there. what a cheeky intrUsion. slithered right into yoUr palace and made herself comfy. maybe she'll lay an egg once she's finished her feast. ^U^**

**UU: might as well take her oUt. yoU know when the action begins and pieces start to fall, that's when yoU make all yoUr most creative mistakes!**

**UU: anyhoo, far from over yoU say?**

**UU: no, i don't imagine this game will be taking Up mUch more of oUr time.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: OH MY FuCKING GOD.**

**uu: BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.**

**uu: THE QuOTES ARE PART OF THE ENCHANTMENT I MENTIONED.**

**uu: LIKE PART OF A SPELL. YOu KNOW. MAGIC?**

**uu: YOu LOVE MAGIC. AND HOW IT'S TOTALLY REAL.**

**uu: "KNIGHT TO D6."**

**uu: THE KNIGHT IS DEAD.**

**uu: YOuR WORDS ARE BORING.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: i still don't know what yoU think yoU're on aboUt with this enchantment bUsiness.**

**UU: if it's a psycheoUt tactic to break my concentration, it isn't working!**

**UU: qUeen to a5.**

**UU: the knight is dead.**

**UU: yoUr goose is cooked.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: NO. IT IS WORKING.**

**uu: YOu ARE ACTuALLY PLAYING VERY POORLY RIGHT NOW.**

**uu: BuT YOu ARE BLINDED TO YOuR MISTAKES BY MY ENCHANTMENT.**

**uu: "BISHOP TO F3."**

**uu: THE BISHOP IS DEAD.**

**uu: YOuR SOMETHING IS SOMETHING.**

**uu: WHATEVER.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: yes, there yoU go!**

**UU: that's the sort of aggression the people paid top boondollar to see.**

**UU: king to d2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: "PAWN TO B6."**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: bishop to d6.**

**UU: the knight is dead.**

**UU: your serpents are lost.**

**UU: check!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: OH. WELL SHIT.**

**uu: IT SuRE DOES APPEAR. THAT I AM IN CHECK.**

**uu: GuESS I'LL DO SOMETHING ABOuT THAT.**

**uu: "KING TO F7."**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: oh dear! so mUch for yoUr enchantment.**

**UU: that was a dire mistake. mate in foUr.**

**UU: rook to f4.**

**UU: check! ~3u**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: "KING TO G7."**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: qUeen to e5.**

**UU: check.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: "KING TO G6."**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: rook to g4.**

**UU: check!**

**UU: one more to go, love.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: WELL. WHAT IS LEFT FOR ME TO DO.**

**uu: BESIDES ACCEPT MY DEFEAT GRACEFuLLY.**

**uu: "KING TO H7."**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: that's a fine attitUde. maybe yoU are finally making some progress in the realm of sportsmanship?**

**UU: qUeen to g7.**

**UU: checkmate. ^U^**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: NO IT ISN'T.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: what are yoU talking aboUt?**

**UU: don't be a poor sport again. yoU were doing so well there, relatively speaking.**

**UU: the game is over. better lUck next time, "bro." ^u^**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: IT IS NOT OVER. "SIS."**

**uu: LOOK AT THE BOARD CLOSER.**

**uu: I AM NOT IN CHECKMATE.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: i have no idea what yoU're babbling aboUt. soUnds like desperation to me.**

**UU: i am looking at the pieces. yoUr king cannot step anywhere that does not pUt him in check.**

**UU: nor can the threat to him be eliminated by other means.**

**UU: yoU have been mated.**

**UU: the king is dead.**

**UU: yoUr enchantment has failed.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: THAT IS NOT MY KING.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: this is becoming silly.**

**UU: Unless yoU have something to say aboUt the game which actUally makes sense, i am done with it.**

**UU: i have more important things to do.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: YOu ARE NOT DONE WITH ANYTHING.**

**uu: uNLESS YOu WANT TO FORFEIT.**

**uu: LOOK CLOSER AT THE "KING" AND "QuEEN."**

**uu: AND THEN.**

**uu: REMOVE THEIR CROWNS.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

She lifted their crowns, only to find that the pieces were each other! **uu**'s **"QuEEN"** was really his **"KING"** and his **"KING"** was really his **"QuEEN"**.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: oh bloody hell.**

**UU: THIS was yoUr "enchantment?"**

**UU: are yoU serioUs?**

**UU: UUUUUUUUUUUgh. this is yoUr shittiest twist yet!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: WELL PLAYED "SIS!"**

**uu: YOu CHECKMATED MY QuEEN!**

**uu: AAH! HAA! HAA! HAA! HAA! HAA! HAA! HAA!**

**uu: THIS IS SO FuCKING FuNNY.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: i am jUst astonished.**

**UU: not at the gUile of yoUr little ploy, bUt by the fact that yoU actUally seem to think this was a clever rUse.**

**UU: it is jUst so painfUlly daft, i...**

**UU: i am speechless!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: NEVER SAW SOMEONE SPEECHLESS. WHO HAD SO MuCH TO TYPE.**

**uu: I THOuGHT YOu OF ALL PEOPLE WOuLD APPRECIATE MY MODIFICATIONS.**

**uu: THE CROWNS ARE REALLY NICE AND WELL CRAFTED.**

**uu: FORM FITTING. HARDLY ADDING ANY HEIGHT.**

**uu: LIKE CAPPING.**

**uu: A TOOTH.**

**uu: YOu WERE COMPLETELY FOOLED.**

**uu: AND NOW THE COVETED PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT BETWEEN uS.**

**uu: BELONGS TO ME.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: this is absUrd.**

**UU: yoU nagged incessantly for me to allow yoU to reverse the starting positions of the king and qUeen!**

**UU: i only agreed to get yoU to shUt Up aboUt it, and regardless, i knew i coUld beat yoU anyway even with yoUr initial "advantage." and i was right!**

**UU: how can yoU claim this as a legitimate strategy?**

**UU: yoU broke the rUles!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: HEY! I DIDN'T BREAK ANY RuLES.**

**uu: I MERELY ASKED IF YOu WOuLD AGREE. TO ME SWAPPING THE START POSITIONS OF THE KING AND QuEEN.**

**uu: AND YOu DID AGREE.**

**uu: BuT THEN I DIDN'T ACTuALLY DO IT.**

**uu: WHEN DID I SAY I WOuLD? NEVER.**

**uu: I WAS ONLY GAuGING YOuR WILLINGNESS TO MAKE THE EXCEPTION.**

**uu: I THEN WENT ABOuT DECORATING MY KING AND QuEEN WITH NICE LITTLE HATS.**

**uu: WHICH IS *ALSO* NOT AGAINST THE RuLES.**

**uu: YOu DO IT ALL THE FuCKING TIME. GIVE YOuR GAME PIECES HORNS AND SHIT.**

**uu: YOu EVEN GIVE THEM NAMES AND BLOOD CASTES. YuCK.**

**uu: SO IF YOu HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY DECORATIONS. I SAY POT. ALLOW ME TO INTRODuCE YOU TO THE FuCKING KETTLE.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: i cannot believe yoU are defending this maneUver.**

**UU: yes, i sUppose some of these tactics are technically within boUnds of the LETTER of the rUles, bUt the entire charade was highly disingenoUs and Unsportsmanlike.**

**UU: it is Unbelievably childish, even for yoU!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: I KNOW. I AM A CHILD.**

**uu: SO ARE YOu. IT JuST SO HAPPENS THAT YOu ARE A CHILD.**

**uu: WHO JuST GOT FuCKING SERVED.**

**uu: IT IS NOT AGAINST THE RuLES TO BE CHILDISH. OR DISINGENuOuS. OR uNSPORTSMANLIKE.**

**uu: IT'S ALSO NOT AGAINST THE RuLES TO BE A BASTARD. WHICH IS ANOTHER THING I AM.**

**uu: EVERY SINGLE THING I DID WAS LEGAL.**

**uu: MY QuEEN. DISGuISED AS A KING. MADE MOVES LIKE A KING. WHICH IS WITHIN ITS CAPABILITY. THIS WAS DONE TO DECEIVE YOu.**

**uu: MY KING. DISGuISED AS A QuEEN. MADE MOVES LIKE A KING. BECAuSE DOING OTHERWISE WOuLD BREAK THE RuLES.**

**uu: BuT YOu BELIEVED IT HAD HER POWERS. AND I uSED THIS TO MY ADVANTAGE.**

**uu: WHICH WAS HILARIOuS TO OBSERVE. WATCHING YOu BACK AWAY FROMS "THREATS." FROM WHAT WAS IN TRuTH A DISTANT KING!**

**uu: ALL THE WHILE MY RuSE. PATENTLY OBVIOuS IN HINDSIGHT. WENT EMBARRASSINGLY uNDETECTED.**

**uu: NO RuLES BROKEN. NOT ONCE.**

**uu: IN FACT. IF ANYONE HERE BROKE THE RuLES.**

**uu: IT WAS YOu.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: WHAT?**

**UU: absolUte bollocks.**

**UU: what rUles did i break?!**

**UU: this oUght to be good!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: YOu AGREED TO LET ME START WITH THE KING AND QuEEN IN SWAPPED POSITIONS.**

**uu: IT'S AGAINST THE RuLES TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION LIKE THAT. EVEN IF YOuR OPPONENT IS BEING OBNOXIOuS ABOuT IT.**

**uu: YOuR WILLINGNESS TO BREAK THE RuLES IS DISGuSTING TO ME. YOu SHOuLD FEEL ASHAMED OF YOuRSELF.**

**uu: LuCKILY. AT LEAST ONE OF uS HAS RESPECT FOR THE RuLES.**

**uu: I STARTED WITH ALL MY PIECES IN THE CORRECT POSITION.**

**uu: IN SPITE OF YOuR WILLINGNESS TO ALLOW THOSE RuLES TO BE BROKEN.**

**uu: WHICH AS I HAVE ADDRESSED. IS TOTALLY SHAMEFuL.**

**uu: YOu ARE VERY FORTuNATE TO HAVE A "BRO" WHO RESPECTS THE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME EVEN WHERE HIS "SIS" MIGHT FALTER.**

**uu: A "BRO" WHO. WHILE FuLLY ADHERING TO THE RuLES. AND EXPOSING YOuR HIDDEN SHAMEFuL TENDENCIES.**

**uu: STILL MANAGED TO DEFEAT YOu.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: YOU PRICK!**

**UU: ohh, i coUld jUst strangle yoU.**

**UU: yoU don't even know how tempted i am to do so right now.**

**UU: i did not break the rUles. i was doing yoU a FAVOUR.**

**UU: in any case, yoU say yoU managed to beat me? when did that happen!**

**UU: even thoUgh yoU've exposed yoUr rUse, yoU haven't actUally mated me yet, grandmaster "bro."**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: THEN YOu ADMIT THE GAME CONTINuES TO BE PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE. AND STILL IN PLAY?**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: bring it on!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO C2.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: king to e3.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: ROOK TO E3.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**uu: SOMEONE'S IN DEEP SHIT.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: blech. look at this royal cockUp.**

**UU: this is so stUpid.**

**UU: now i either have to sacrifice my qUeen, or move my king into a strategically horrible position.**

**UU: why am i even going along with this?**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: YES. THAT SuRE IS A STRATEGIC DILEMMA.**

**uu: WHO WOuLD HAVE THOuGHT. THAT THE GAME OF CHESS. WOuLD PRESENT SuCH A SCENARIO?**

**uu: DO YOu FORFEIT.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: yoU wish.**

**UU: to hell with it. let's sacrifice the qUeen.**

**UU: i still pUt odds in my favoUr, with my rooks and bishop versUs yoUr bishop, rook, and qUeen.**

**UU: i've bested yoU before with less material and initiative on my side.**

**UU: qUeen to c3.**

**UU: the rook is dead.**

**UU: my "bro" is an arse!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: WHOA. WHAT A HuGE MISTAKE. HA. HA.**

**uu: I THINK I MuST BE IN YOuR HEAD. EVEN MORE THAN uSuAL.**

**uu: QuEEN TO C3.**

**uu: THE QuEEN IS DEAD.**

**uu: THE BITCH FuCKED uP.**

**uu: CHECK!**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: oh shUt Up and play.**

**UU: king to e2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: PAWN TO E5.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: rook to c4.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: BWA HA HA.**

**uu: ANOTHER IDIOTIC BLuNDER. THIS IS SO EASY.**

**uu: QuEEN TO F3.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: king to d2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO D5.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**uu: ON THE FuCKING RuuuuuuuuuuuN. WOO. HOO. HOO.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: shUsh.**

**UU: king to c2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO D6.**

**uu: THE BISHOP IS DEAD.**

**uu: HIS FLESH CONSuMED.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: wait, where did yoU pUt it?**

**UU: yoU better not have jUst literally eaten the bishop.**

**UU: rook to c8.**

**UU: check.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: KING TO D7.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: rook to h8.**

**UU: the rook is dead.**

**UU: oUr shits weren't given.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO C5.**

**uu: HAA. HAA.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**uu: ANYFuCK. NO. I DON'T IMAGINE THIS GAME WILL BE TAKING uP MuCH MORE OF OuR TIME.**

**uu: SSSSSSSSSSS.**

**uu: DID SOMEONE LET THE SNAKES LOOSE?**

**uu: OR WAS THAT THE SOuND OF MY VICIOuS bURN.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: grr.**

**UU: king to d2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO D5.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: king to e2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO F3.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: king to d2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO G4.**

**uu: THE ROOK IS DEAD.**

**uu: OuR CHESS SET IS SHRINKING.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: will yoU stop... *DOING THINGS* with the dead pieces!**

**UU: i swear, as if the jUvenile "enchantment" wasn't enoUgh, if it tUrns oUt yoU are also losing or destroying pieces deliberately, I AM GOING TO STRAIGHT UP FLIP A BITCH.**

**UU: rook to h7.**

**UU: CHECK!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: KING TO C6.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: king to c2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: WOW. ANOTHER AWFuL MOVE!**

**uu: YOu'RE PLAYING ALMOST AS SHITTY AS I uSuALLY DO.**

**uu: LOOKS LIKE MY ENCHANTMENT WORKED BETTER THAN I THOuGHT.**

**uu: FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS IN REALITY.**

**uu: FAKE ASS MAGIC.**

**uu: QuEEN TO E4.**

**uu: CHECK.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: king to b2.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: QuEEN TO H7.**

**uu: THE ROOK IS DEAD.**

**uu: THE JIG IS uP.**

**uu: MATE IN FOuR.**

**uu: OR LESS!**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**UU **smashed her hand against the board, knocking all the pieces over.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: FUCK THIS!**

**UU: i don't know why i bothered hUmoUring yoUr vile Underhanded rUbbish!**

**UU: I HATE YOU. JUST SOD RIGHT OFF TO HELL, PLEASE.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: HEY THERE. BE CAREFuL.**

**uu: A GuY COuLD GET THE WRONG IDEA. AND MISTAKE YOuR OuTBuRST FOR SOMETHING.**

**uu: CALIGINOuS.**

**uu: THAT WOuLD BE MOST uN"SISTERLY." DON'T YOu THINK.**

**uu: ANYWAY. BY THE LOOKS OF THIS MESSY BOARD.**

**uu: I'M GOING TO ASSuME YOu FORFEITED THE MATCH.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**UU: yoU are disgUsting.**

**UU: i really loathe yoU, and no, NOT IN "THAT WAY!"**

**UU: i am not going to talk to yoU for a while. probably a LONG while.**

**UU: i only hope i can overcome my contempt for yoU when it comes time to play oUr game. bUt i am not holding my breath!**

**UU: leave me alone.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **blocked ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: YOu BLOCKED ME AGAIN? YOu KNOW THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.**

**uu: ANYWAY. I'M HAPPY WE ARE IN AGREEMENT THAT I WON.**

**uu: YOu SHOuLDN'T uNDERESTIMATE ME.**

**uu: I'LL LEAVE YOu ALONE FOR A WHILE LIKE YOu WANT. BECAuSE REALLY. WHO CARES ABOuT YOu?**

**uu: BuT YOu SHOuLD BELIEVE ME.**

**uu: WHEN I TELL YOu.**

**uu: SOME DAY.**

**uu: I'M GOING TO KILL YOu IN YOuR SLEEP.**

**uu: MAYBE EVEN.**

**uu: MORE THAN ONCE.**

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **ceased jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**


	199. Book 12 Chapter 4a: Holy Shades

Chapter 4 Part 1: Holy Shades

A character select screen! Any one of the four kids in the B2 session! Hussie, this is all you. Hussie chose Jane.

Jane's nimble friend returned to her with the duplicated obelisk, allowing her into the crypt to pursue her father. Ahead appeared to be a locked door, that had been punched clean through. She was on the right track. She was sure of it. Examining the door, she could smell his cologne. Or at least she thought she could. Maybe she was just imagining it? You know what, it didn't matter. Someone had punched through this door, and that guy had been her Dad. End of story!

Another incoming message from her client shades. Her clien human sure was a busy guy. She'd barely heard a peep out of him since she'd gotten to LOCAH.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TT: Hold up.**

**TT: Before you go any further, there's been a change of plan.**

**GG: Really?**

**TT: Well, not a change of plan so much as an acceleration.**

**TT: Everyone needs to get into the game sooner than expected. There is a new unaccounted for variable.**

**TT: Particularly for Roxy and Dirk.**

**GG: What is it?**

**TT: They are probably going to die if they don't join the game very soon.**

**GG: Shucks!**

**TT: Hey, I'm upset about it too, but let's watch the fucking language.**

**GG: Ok, what do I do?**

**TT: Install the server. I downloaded it to your computer along with a few other crucial system upgrades when we established our connection.**

**GG: Upgrades? What upgrades?**

**GG: Wait, is that how this stupid "Delirious Biznasty" application got on here?**

**TT: No comment.**

**TT: Install and run the server.**

**TT: You will be connecting with Roxy. I will have Jake connect with Dirk. Setting up the chain like this will be important.**

**GG: Why?**

**TT: It seems that I again have no comment.**

**GG: Sheesh.**

**GG: Very well then, Mister Zipperlips.**

**TT: I don't have lips. You just said something laughably illogical.**

**TT: How typical of someone who isn't a fashion accessory of immeasurable intelligence.**

**GG: Whatever! Let's curtail the horseplay this once while I help Roxy.**

**GG: Ok. I installed it. Now what? Should I run it?**

**TT: Yes. That copy is programmed to connect automatically with the client she's running.**

**GG: Okey dokey. Doing that now.**

**GG: Hey, I can see her room! :B**

**GG: That's a really nice room there. **

**GG: But where is she? **

**GG: Hah, her drink is still there. So she can't have gone far. **

**TT: Oh snap.**

**GG: I don't see her anywhere in the rest of the house. **

**GG: I see plenty of plush wizards and window gizmos, and... pumpkins? Really, Roxy? **

**GG: What an unusual house design. Are all homes in the future like this? **

**TT: You mean the ones that aren't under water? Yes. They are all almost exactly like that.**

**GG: I just tried messaging her. But no response. **

**TT: I'm sure she's out cruising the hood, probably messin' with the locals.**

**TT: Maybe attempting some ill advised drunken heroics.**

**TT: Pretty tight numerical probability of that, I just decided with unfeeling precision.**

**GG: She said things were on fire when we last talked? **

**GG: Actually, she said the whole neighborhood was burning down, if I recall. **

**GG: But judging by the view from her window, it looks lovely outside. **

**GG: What exactly is the danger I am saving her from here? **

**TT: Zoom out.**

**TT: Way out.**

She zoomed out to see Roxy's neighborhood engulfed in an inferno.

**GG: OH NO!**

**GG: Roxy, where are you? :(**

**TT: We'll track her down.**

**TT: The important thing to do now is deploy all the devices quickly, so the house will be ready to jet the moment she gets back.**

**GG: How do you know she's not hurt?**

**TT: That is statistically remote.**

**TT: Given that I can track the coordinates of certain devices she carries, and they are presently in motion.**

**TT: Really, the fire is not the most significant threat, or even the drones.**

**GG: Then what is?**

**TT: Do you see the red stringy stuff coming from the sky?**

**GG: Oh...**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: What IS that?**

**TT: If sources are to be trusted, and my calculations are reliable within a 0.001% margin of error, it's a bunch of super deadly red shit.**

**TT: No time to get into that now though. Just deploy the devices quickly.**

**TT: You know the drill.**

**GG: Right. Let's see. **

**GG: There's hardly any space in here to put anything. I'll have to make some room. **

**GG: I don't want to damage any of her belongings though. **

**TT: That would be unconscionable.**

Jane grabbed Roxy's bed, zoomed out, and then accidentally chucked it into the fire.

**GG: WHOOPS!**

**GG: Dag nabbit. This trackpad is AWFUL!**

**GG: Lousy dad computer.**

**GG: Why does he have to buy his computers at the Dadly Depot?**

**GG: Why does he have to buy EVERYTHING at the Dadly Depot?**

**GG: I really need to keep looking for him soon. Thinking about our expeditions to the Dadly Depot is making me miss him.**

**TT: You really need to hurry up and deploy that junk instead of that.**

Jane deployed the Totem Lathe where Roxy's bed had once been, the Cruxtruder in her observatory, and the Alchemiter on top of her house.

**GG: There. Those seem like suitable locations for the equipment.**

**TT: Yeah.**

**GG: Hey, where's Lil Seb?**

**TT: Just wandering around. Fidgeting and stuff.**

**TT: You know how he is.**

**TT: Just stay at your post until Roxy gets back.**

**GG: I think he went through the door.**

Jane went in through the door and saw the rabbit step onto a Transportalizer.

**GG: He just disappeared on that platform!**

**GG: I think it might be some kind of transport device, that works via teleportation.**

**GG: A kind of "transportalizer," to coin a completely silly and novel term.**

**TT: That's great. Now sit back down and wait for Roxy. She'll be home soon.**

**GG: But I think that's where my dad went too!**

**GG: I have to follow him.**

**TT: No, Jane. Do not follow the rabbit.**

**TT: Let's cool it with the Wonderland shit already. How much further through the damn looking glass do you even need to go?**

**GG: It'll be fine!**

**GG: I'm bringing my computer with me. I can tend to Roxy's entry along the way.**

**TT: This is an atrocious idea.**

She hopped onto the Transportalizer and found herself on Derse. Everything was shaking and the planet was covered in the same deadly red shit that she'd seen in the SBURB viewport, viewing Roxy's house.

She looked up to see Dream Dirk floating above. Dirk's mouth fell open.

**TT: And what in the name of Jesus H. Dick is SHE doing here?**

**TT: I am blameless in this debacle.**

Jane looked down from where Dirk was floating to see… Jake? She put her hands to her face. What in hell was happening here?

Let's… uh… see how Jake got there, actually. Back to the character select screen.

Now that Jake English had his boxed-up friend through time and space to grandma land, it was time to retrieve her lab globe which he'd shrunken then hot potatoed down the rabbit hole. Then it would be time to hoof it out of these musty old ruins, assuming he could get that elevator working again. Which might be a problem, now that he thought about it. Also, it seemed the volcanic tremors had increased, which couldn't be good.

He peered down the hole to see that it was a bit deeper than he'd thought. Now he was starting to wonder if he'd even be able to get out of there once he'd hopped down.

Hey, there were two Transportalizers down there too. Like the kind that had been in his old house. He wondered where they went. Funny, in all the time he'd spent exploring this place, it had never occurred to him to look down there.

He jumped down to the globe. He mainly wanted to take what was inside of it, though. That thing that was supposed to be all kinds of important. He wondered if he could just… just sort of reach inside… and…

He just sort of reached inside and took it. He had no idea what this thing was supposed to do. It was some particularly arcane loot his Grandma had pinched on one of her daring expeditions. He'd been told it was important. Probably for puzzles later or something. Like something from one of the National Treasure movies, that Nic Cage finds in the lair of a secret president, and he doesn't know why it's important, he just shoves it in his hero satchel until it randomly becomes important.

He hoped it wasn't a problem that he'd made it so small. Wait, that was exactly the kind of thing a hero didn't worry about. Cage would just pocket his tiny window thingamabob and keep being awesome. Shit like that was for the plot to figure out, not the brave gun toting hero.

Looked like the shades were bugging him again. Why was he not surprised?

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**TT: Hold up.**

**TT: Before you go any further, there's been a change of plan.**

**GT: Oh why am i not surprised!**

**GT: Still no human dirk?**

**TT: Don't worry, you'll see him very soon. In a way.**

**GT: What is the change of plan?**

**TT: Well, not a change of plan so much as an acceleration.**

**TT: Everyone needs to get into the game sooner than expected. There is a new unaccounted for variable.**

**GT: I see. Variables and what not.**

**GT: Lets cut to the chase! What do i do.**

**TT: Install the server. I downloaded it to your computer along with a few other crucial system upgrades.**

**GT: Crucial upgrades huh?**

**GT: I dunno about crucial buddy i see you have trolled me with like 50 copies of this dumbfuck social media software for cool bros in hats but ok.**

**TT: Damn. Nothing gets by English.**

**TT: The guy is untrollable.**

**GT: Ok i installed it should i run it?**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: You will be connecting with Dirk. I will have Jane connect with Roxy. Setting up the chain like this will be important.**

**GT: Sure if you say so.**

**TT: That copy is programmed to connect automatically with the client Dirk is running.**

**TT: Do it quickly. His life depends on it.**

**GT: Great caesars ghost! Why didnt you say so.**

**GT: Ok done.**

**GT: Hey theres his room!**

**GT: Heh heh. Id recognize that room anywhere.**

**GT: Horses puppets holy smokes there is a man who knows what he likes.**

**TT: Damn straight.**

**GT: But where is he?**

**GT: I dont see him elsewhere in the place.**

**GT: Lots of priceless sbahj merch though im so jealous.**

**TT: I'll see about hooking you up when you join the game. No promises, though. He's pretty attached to all that shit.**

**TT: He has not yet transcended the primitive desire for material goods, as he is not two conjoined triangles of pure unflappable logic.**

**GT: What?**

**TT: Sorry.**

**TT: As a pair of overly intellectual triangles, sometimes my wording can be a bit...**

**TT: Obtuse.**

**TT: **

**GT: Lol!**

**GT: Just joking bro that sucked.**

**GT: How do i find dirk and save his life?**

**TT: Zoom out.**

**TT: Way out.**

He zoomed out to see Dirk's apartment surrounded by a sea of flames. Dirk was standing on the roof with Sawtooth and Squarewave.

**GT: Eureka!**

**GT: Youre right he sure does look to be in a thorough pickle.**

**GT: My impulse is to message him now but youre kind of bogarting his chumhandle so i dont even know how to do that?**

**TT: He's concentrating on some things happening on Derse at the moment.**

**TT: Not to mention some uncannily similar things going down on Earth, which it seems you have noticed.**

**TT: He's also talking to someone, trying to appraise the exact nature of the threat.**

**TT: Unfortunately as a carbon based life form, his comprehension of the situation is taking shape at a somewhat slower pace than the jaw-dropping speed of post-singularity cognition.**

**TT: So I am taking the reins and accelerating the plan on his behalf, while he's busy with the corporeal stuff as usual.**

**GT: Ok then how do i help?**

**TT: Deploy all the devices in the Phernalia Registry. Ideally in places that aren't stupid.**

**TT: Do it quickly, so he can activate the entry sequence and escape.**

**GT: I will have them deployed lickety split.**

**GT: That flaming ocean is nothing to sneeze at.**

**GT: It is fixing to burn his... uh. Skeletal highrise thing right the heck down.**

**TT: Really, the fire is not the most significant threat.**

**GT: Oh. Are more robots on the way?**

**TT: No.**

**TT: Do you see the red stringy stuff coming from the sky?**

**GT: Um...**

**TT: Are you blind? It's right there, Jake.**

**GT: Oh!**

**GT: You mean the super deadly red shit?**

**TT: Yes. The super deadly red shit.**

**GT: Say no more. **

**GT: I understand the threat and will now spring into action guns blazing. **

**GT: Well maybe not guns blazing. **

**GT: The guns and how they blaze will be metaphors for my tenacity and gumption as an elite gamer. **

**TT: Just fuckin' deploy the stuff, you humongous dork.**

Jake deployed the Totem Lathe in the main room next to the fridge, the Cruxtruder in the center of his room, and the Alchemiter on the roof. Dirk gave a thumbs up to the sky, directed at the viewport Jake was viewing him through.

**GT: There we are. No sweat.**

**TT: Cool.**

**GT: Haha! He did a thumbs up at me.**

**GT: Hey buddy!**

**GT: Say hey buddy to him.**

**TT: Ok.**

**TT: He says hey.**

**GT: Sweet.**

**GT: Now what?**

**TT: Stand by. He may need further assistance once he begins the sequence.**

**GT: How long will that take?**

**TT: Once he's ready. I'll try to nudge him along, but unfortunately, the fact that he is me notwithstanding, Dirk can be just as sluggish and uncooperative as the rest of you god damned meat mannequins.**

**GT: Understood. That being as it is in the meantime i think ill poke into one of these transporty doodads.**

**TT: What?**

**TT: No, you fickle fuckwit.**

**TT: Stay your ass put.**

Jake transportalized to Derse.

**GT: Whoa what is THIS place?**

**GT: Things sure are a rumblin here in this enchanted purple palace.**

**GT: I cant believe i never found those hidden transport pads under the thing.**

**TT: Dude, I could have told you they were there.**

**GT: How did you know about them?**

**TT: I didn't.**

**TT: But it's like platformer gaming 101. You look everywhere for secret passages and power-ups and shit.**

**TT: Elevators are especially fucking suspicious.**

**TT: You go down an elevator, you wait for the elevator to go back up, you take a peek at what's underneath.**

**TT: Maybe it's just death spikes. Or maybe you hit warp zone paydirt.**

**GT: You are so wise. I will never be as elite of a game bro as you.**

**TT: I'm not a Game Bro. I just know literally everything about basically all subjects.**

**TT: Now go back where you came from. Dirk might need help.**

**GT: Will you untwist your virtual knickers. I have everything under control.**

**GT: I think this may be where my grandma used to go during some of her expeditions.**

**GT: You dont just pass up the chance for an adventure like this!**

**TT: Yes, Jake. You do.**

**TT: How much deeper down the damn bunny hole do you need to go? There is no White Rabbit waiting for you here.**

**GT: We will just see about THAT.**

**GT: Besides i have my skulltop with me so i can swoop in to assist dirk at any time!**

**TT: This is an atrocious idea.**

He looked up to see Dream Dirk floating above. Dirk's mouth fell open.

**TT: Ok, what the fuck is he doing here?**

**TT: I hold no accountability for this fiasco.**

Jake looked down from where Dirk was floating to see… Lil Seb! It was the white rabbit! Sort of! Oh yeah. Jane too!


	200. Book 12 Chapter 4b: YOu CAN'T ESCAPE!

Chapter 4 Part 2: YOu CAN'T ESCAPE THE MILES!

Roxy had been scrambling around this burning colony for who even knew how long, evading attacks from drones. All the commotion had really started to harsh her buzz. It seemed the drones had withdrawn from their pursuit, as far as she could tell. But a new threat had taken their place. Some sort of red stringy stuff coming from the sky. She had a very bad feeling about it. She thought it was time to find her way home and get out of Dodge. Dodge in this case being the universe.

It seemed while she'd been running away from missiles and trying not to get blown up, messages from friends had been piling up. These chumps needed to calm down. Didn't they realize how hungover she was starting to feel? Everybody needed to chill the fuck out. Those chess guys behind her needed to chill out too. The whole world needed to chill out and stop being so noisy and bright and on fire.

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**GG: Hey! Where are you?**

**GG: I can't find you anywhere in your crazy house.**

**GG: It's just wizards and pumpkins as far as the eye can see.**

**GG: I hope you're ok!**

**GG: Please get back to me as soon as you can.**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **ceased pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**TG: aw noes**

**TG: you are snoping up my house**

**TG: scopping my gourd hoard**

**TG: janey what are u doing**

**TG: what is going on here**

**TG: jane?**

**TG: god dammit crocket**

**TG: bleghhh**

**TG: head hurts**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**TT: Judging by the sporadic rates of change in your present coordinates, it seems that you have been running around like a lunatic.**

**TT: When those ridiculous flesh stilts you refer to as "legs" settle down, and you have a minute to talk, please respond.**

**TG: smup shades**

**TG: *sup**

**TT: Are you in danger?**

**TG: no**

**TG: well**

**TG: not in like robos wanting to kill me immediately as in lilerally right now danger**

**TG: but still probably some danger**

**TG: its hot and all these crumbling flamey buildings are so screwed and i wanna just go lie down**

**TG: plus theres shit coming from the sky**

**TT: What shit do you mean?**

**TG: super deudly red shit**

**TT: Right. The miles. That's why I'm going to need you to get home quickly.**

**TT: What has taken you so long, anyway? Why has your path been so circuitous?**

**TT: Surely you can't be even more inebriated than before.**

**TG: no no**

**TG: less**

**TG: trust my**

**TG: me**

**TT: Ok. Then what?**

**TG: ive been trying to i guess**

**TG: round up some neighbors**

**TG: whenever i see them**

**TG: and try to get then to follow me home**

**TG: whichis harder than is sounds!**

**TT: You are accumulating carapacian refugees?**

**TG: yes**

**TT: That seems like a very inefficient and risky use of your time.**

**TG: i know but**

**TG: they always seem confused and dont know what todo**

**TG: and everythings bunring down**

**TG: i think i should try to take some with me i cant just leave all of the poor chess guys here to die**

**TT: Alright, that's fine.**

**TT: As luck would have it, your imperfect human sentimentality has been completely factored into my calculations.**

**TT: You should be ok. Just get back to your house as quickly as possible now. There's no time left.**

**TG: lmao your "caluculations" as if those are real but ok ill get moving**

**TT: We're going to need you to connect with Jake to bring him into the game.**

**TT: You will complete the chain of entry. This is very important.**

**TG: ok**

**TG: jane was trying 2 reach me**

**TG: messin with my pumpkips or some shit?**

**TG: where is she**

**TT: There's been a little subordination issue there.**

**TT: With both Crocker and English, actually. Strider and I are working on it.**

**TG: what u talkin about**

**TG: subordingation**

**TG: you saying those chucklefucks went rouge**

**TT: Sort of.**

**TG: but thats what i do!**

**TG: posers be frontin hard up on my roguey turf**

**TG: *roguish?**

**TG: roguish is better it means sly**

**TT: Don't worry about it for now. Just do your part, and catch up with them later.**

**TT: Who knows, maybe you will prove yourself to be the only 100% cooperative, fully competent non-Strider player?**

**TT: How ironic would it be if the best player turned out to be the drunk girl? Wouldn't that be sweet?**

**TG: yeah!**

**TG: :3**

**TT: Go home. Connect with Jake. Deploy the equipment in the ruins of his old house.**

**TT: I'll focus on actually getting him there. The kid is seriously a work in progress, I gotta say.**

**TT: Are you sober enough to do all that?**

**TG: i think**

**TG: the answer**

**TG: unfortunately**

**TG: is yes**

**TG: :[**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**UU: miss lalonde, do be carefUl.**

**UU: i can see that yoU are preoccUpied with aggressors at the moment.**

**UU: bUt yoUr viewport is beginning to black oUt more freqUently.**

**UU: i wanted to talk to yoU one last time before yoU enter, and yoUr whole session blacks oUt for good.**

**UU: and before...**

**UU: well, before i possibly do the same. U_U;**

**UU: please reply when yoU have the chance.**

**TG: hi**

**TG: whats this**

**TG: about u blacking out for good?**

**TG: * blapck**

**TG: * wait no n/m**

**UU: ah, hello!**

**UU: escaped troUble, i presUme? how are yoU doing?**

**TG: i feel kind of like shit but other than that im toters perf**

**TG: im starting to wonderd if drinkin early today wasnt that coolest idea?**

**TG: now i have all these responsibitities while my brain is tellin me to go fuck myelf**

**TG: *self**

**TG: aint wanna fuck no elf**

**TG: not in this condition at least**

**TG: i would probs need some hella strong coffee b4 boning a elf**

**UU: i am sorry to hear yoU're feeling Under the weather.**

**UU: bUt now i am wondering. hm.**

**UU: coUld it have been that regUlar intake of yoUr soporific liqUids was inhibiting yoUr commUnion with the void, rather than exaggerating them as i had presUmed?**

**UU: if the effects are wearing off, it coUld explain the increase in viewport blackoUts.**

**UU: and once they wear off completely, perhaps that is why yoUr entire session goes dark on yoUr entry.**

**TG: that is an interesting theory that has like**

**TG: mostly no usefull bearing on anything probably?**

**UU: yoU are probably right. still, i can't help bUt specUlate on sUch matters. it is what i do. :u**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: i think i was being a dick byut im not sure? sorry**

**TG: glarghgle**

**TG: i am sure feeling liek**

**TG: a gross bunch of nasty trash in a scarf**

**TG: all taking my surly shit out**

**TG: on nice and cute aliems**

**UU: oh, not to worry. ^u^**

**TG: heyy**

**TG: UI**

**TG: UU***

**TG: you know everything right**

**UU: hee hee! if only.**

**TG: k well**

**TG: what is with the looming strandy crap in the sky**

**TG: the miles glasses called em that**

**TG: i know i got to escape them**

**TG: but what are they actually gonna do?**

**UU: i do know a thing or two aboUt the red miles.**

**UU: it is the qUeen's favoUred attack. very long distance and omnidirectional.**

**UU: bUt once Upon a time, her weapon was stolen by a UsUrper. jacked, yoU coUld say, right off her ring finger. and then given a considerable boost in power.**

**UU: that gave the miles enoUgh of a kick to rip a Universe to shreds.**

**UU: and they have been doing so to yoUrs and its many instances for eons.**

**UU: only now have they caUght Up to yoUr instance. it is qUite fortUnate it has taken so long, really.**

**UU: some instances are tUcked deeper in the speaker's mighty blow sack, and will hold oUt for mUch longer, on a vast cosmic scale of coUrse.**

**TG: wait**

**TG: i dont**

**TG: what? instances**

**TG: blowb sack**

**TG: righ now i can hardly walk w/o steppin on my moms scarf ok**

**TG: so theyre destorying the universe is that the bootom line**

**UU: yes.**

**UU: try to think of it like this.**

**UU: imagine that the Universe is contained inside a very large creatUre.**

**UU: say, a great big frog.**

**TG: frog**

**TG: why a frog thats so silly**

**UU: it's jUst a frog! that is the way it is, jUst try to imagine it.**

**TG: k**

**TG: picturin**

**TG: big ol space frog**

**TG: all ribbiting loud an being huge**

**TG: hehehe**

**UU: now imagine that not only does the Universe exist inside it, depending on the creatUre's health and well being to sUrvive...**

**UU: bUt every potential instance of that Universe exists inside as well.**

**UU: those that are doomed and those with promise.**

**UU: even those that were reset from scratch, with slightly different starting conditions.**

**UU: all of those interrelated Universes mingling together inside yoUr frog, inextricable from its physiology.**

**UU: if the frog dies, they all go with it. eventUally.**

**TG: then you are saying some rude a-hole is killin our frog**

**UU: sadly, yes.**

**TG: wow**

**TG: that is**

**TG: just...**

**TG: the WORST**

**UU: well, it coUld have been worse, actUally. the miles coUld have spread to yoUr Universe before it had the chance to sproUt yoUr lovely planet, providing a home for yoU and yoUr wonderfUl mates.**

**UU: all Universes die at some point. some sooner than others. it is all part of the cycle, and sometimes things like this mUst happen for reasons beyond oUr Understanding.**

**UU: bUt this is neither here nor there. i did not intend to go blathering aboUt all that and waste an important conversation with yoU.**

**UU: i think the trUth is i am probably jUst stalling.**

**TG: stalling what**

**UU: i have some important things to tell yoU.**

**UU: i'm afraid i am going to be breaking so many rUles in doing so.**

**UU: i am not Used to breaking rUles. it makes me very Uncomfortable.**

**UU: bUt it may be my only chance. i hope yoU won't think less of me for it.**

**TG: no way**

**TG: i dont even know what rules ur talking about**

**TG: time shit rules**

**TG: if its time shit rules idgaf about those**

**TG: and m not goinna stop thinking youre great if u "break" them**

**TG: are you in trouble?**

**UU: yes.**

**UU: bUt so are yoU, and i've distracted yoU enoUgh.**

**UU: concentrate on retUrning to yoUr home.**

**UU: once yoU are there and preparing for the game, i will contact yoU again and tell yoU everything that i have been wanting to tell yoU.**

**UU: also...**

**UU: i wanted to give yoU something. :u**

**TG: hoh man**

**TG: what is it!**

**UU: jUst a thing!**

**UU: yoU'll see.**

**UU: now rUn along!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**uu: BETTER HuRRY uP.**

**uu: YOu CAN'T ESCAPE THE MILES.**

**uu: NO ONE CAN ESCAPE THE MILES!**

**TT: Why do you keep saying that?**

**TT: Are you trying to turn it into some sort of Thing?**

**uu: IT ALREADY IS A THING. INASMuCH.**

**uu: AS FACTS ARE THINGS.**

**uu: HERE ARE MORE FACTS THAT ARE THINGS.**

**uu: YOu ARE GOING TO DIE SOON.**

**uu: YOuR WHOLE uNIVERSE IS GOING TO DIE.**

**uu: BECAuSE.**

**uu: YOu CAN'T.**

**uu: ESCAPE.**

**uu: THE MIIIIIIIIIIILES.**

**TT: Sorry, it's not going to start being a Thing no matter how much you say it. Give it a rest.**

**uu: NO.**

**TT: What I don't understand is how the attack is making its way here from Derse.**

**TT: Is that even possible?**

**uu: WHAT.**

**uu: JuST BECAuSE THE SAME THING IS HAPPENING THERE.**

**uu: YOu THINK THERE IS CORRELATION. BEYOND SOME SORT OF CIRCuMSTANTIALLY SIMuLTANEOuS. FuCKRuBBISH?**

**uu: YOu'RE SO DuMB.**

**TT: So, you know why this is happening? **

**uu: YES.**

**uu: THESE MILES ARE FROM JACK. WAY OuTSIDE YOuR uNIVERSE.**

**uu: THE MILES ON DERSE ARE FROM ANOTHER GuY. WHO'S JuST. SITTING IN A CASTLE SOMEWHERE PROBABLY.**

**TT: That doesn't actually explain a whole lot, but ok. **

**uu: SOMEONE COMMISSIONED JACK. SORT OF.**

**uu: PuT OuT A HIT ON YOuR ENTIRE uNIVERSE. AND ALL ITS INTERNAL ITERATIONS.**

**uu: DON'T YOu THINK THAT'S FuCKING AWESOME?**

**TT: I thought you didn't know much about our story? You usually like to brag about how you don't care about details like that. **

**uu: I MAINLY JuST SKIM PAST IT ALL WITH DISGuST. EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS.**

**uu: WHERE PEOPLE DIE.**

**uu: I COuLD READ THOSE.**

**uu: OVER AND OVER.**

**uu: AND ALSO MAYBE THE PARTS.**

**uu: WHERE PEOPLE "KISS"?**

**uu: IN THE WAY THAT WHEN YOu CHANCE uPON SOMETHING.**

**uu: uNSPEAKABLY AND VISCERALLY ABHORRENT.**

**uu: IT GETS HARD.**

**TT: Does it now. **

**uu: TO PRY YOuR EYES AWAY!**

**uu: YOu DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.**

**uu: TO PRY YOuR EYES AWAY.**

**TT: Oh.**

Dirk gave Jake a thumbs up.

**uu: HEY.**

**uu: WHY ARE YOu GIVING ONE OF YOuR HuMAN "THuMBS uP".**

**uu: INTO THE SKY.**

**uu: IS IT AN INDECENT GESTuRE.**

**TT: I guess you would probably think so.**

**uu: OH YES.**

**uu: I THINK IT'S PROBABLY TRuE.**

**uu: KEEP SHOWING ME THE NASTY.**

**uu: I DEMAND A STEADY DIET OF RIBALDRY AND. *SHuDDER.***

**uu: POIGNANT EXPRESSION.**

**uu: EITHER KEEP THAT uP.**

**uu: OR MAKE SuRE THAT.**

**uu: THE CORPSE PILE.**

**uu: DOESN'T STOP FROM GETTING TALLER.**

**uu: OR BOTH. IDEALLY.**

**uu: BOTH WOuLD BE GREAT.**

**TT: Your staccato babbling is just so choice today. But I really have to go.**

**TT: Got to escape all these goddamn miles, remember?**

**uu: AAH HAA HAA!**

**uu: YOu CAN'T!**

**uu: YOu CAAAAAAAAAAAN'T.**

**uu: ESCAAAAAAAAAAAPE.**

**TT: The miles. Right.**

**TT: Bye.**

**uu: BuT SERIOuSLY. WAIT!**

**TT: What.**

**uu: I WANTED TO GIVE YOu SOMETHING. A "PRESENT".**

**TT: What?**

**uu: IT'S A TOKEN OF. uH. "THANKS". uGH. **

**TT: For what?**

**TT: Can we seriously move this along.**

**uu: FOR HELPING ME. WITH THE THING YOu JuST HELPED ME BuILD. **

**TT: God, what are you talking about.**

**uu: FOR YOu IT WAS YEARS AGO. BuT FOR ME. SOLICITING YOu FOR ASSISTANCE WAS QuITE RECENT. **

**TT: Oh, alright. I remember now.**

**TT: You're always all over the timeline and somehow expect people to know what you're talking about.**

**TT: So what's the present?**

**uu: BEFORE I GIVE YOu THIS TREASuRE. FIRST YOu MuST DO SOMETHING FOR ME. **

**TT: Man. You really do struggle with human customs, don't you?**

**TT: When you're about to give someone a gift out of gratitude, you don't then start negotiating with them and ask for shit before handing it over.**

**TT: Just fuckin' give it to me already.**

**uu: NO. DO WHAT I SAY FIRST. **

**TT: Ok, what do you want me to do to collect my awesome prize you're allegedly thanking me with?**

**uu: YOuR JuJu. **

**uu: REMEMBER I TOLD YOu TO BRING IT TO THE ROOF. **

**TT: Cal? Yeah, I remember.**

**uu: SHHHHHHHHHHH. DON'T SAY ITS "NAME" YOu IDIOT. **

**uu: NOW TAKE OuT THE JuJu.**

**TT: Ok. Now what.**

**uu: NOW THROW IT IN THE FIRE.**

**TT: Screw you.**

**TT: I'm not chucking the C-man into a flaming ocean.**

**uu: IT IS THE uLTIMATE ABOMINATION.**

**uu: YOuR JuJu MAY BE DEAD AND HOLLOW. BuT SOMETHING TELLS ME.**

**uu: THAT MIGHT MAKE IT EVEN MORE DANGEROuS.**

**uu: DISCARD IT AT ONCE. TREASuRE BEYOND COMPREHENSION IS YOuR REWARD.**

**TT: No.**

**TT: Keep your treasure.**

**uu: AH HA HA. AS IF IT IS NOT INEVITABLY DESTINED TO FALL FROM YOuR HuMAN FINGERS.**

**uu: AND BECOME ERASED AS YOuR uNIVERSE DIES.**

**uu: DIDN'T I MENTION.**

**uu: A JuJu CAN NEVER BE TRuLY COPIED.**

**uu: IF TWO APPEAR TO EXIST. SuCH AS ONE IN REALITY AND ONE IN YOuR DREAMS.**

**uu: IT IS ONLY AN ILLuSION. EITHER NEVER TRuE. OR SOON TO BE CORRECTED.**

**uu: THERE CAN ONLY EVER BE ONE.**

**TT: Well, I'm not tossing him, so that's that.**

**uu: YOu WILL THOuGH.**

**uu: ANYWAY. YOu TOOK IT OuT.**

**uu: I WILL DEEM THAT COMPLIANCE ENOuGH.**

**uu: AND REWARD YOu WITH MY GRATITuDE.**

**uu: I THINK INSTEAD OF THANKS THOuGH. I WILL CALL IT. A "BIRTH DAY PRESENT"?**

**TT: It isn't my birthday.**

**uu: NOT YOuRS JERK.**

**TT: Oh. So it's your birthday today?**

**uu: IT WILL BE.**

**uu: IF EVERYTHING GOES ACCORDING TO PLAN.**

**TT: How cryptically meaningless.**

**TT: And you continue to struggle with human customs. You don't give other people presents on your own birthday.**

**TT: Anyway, just tell me what it is.**

**uu: IT IS A "WORK OF FINE ART".**

**uu: THE VERY FIRST I HAVE EVER ATTEMPTED.**

**uu: YOu WILL FIND IT SuITABLY CONVEYS OuR SPECIAL BOND.**

**TT: Let's see.**

**uu** sent him a scribble made of his own color, Dirk's color, Jane's color, and Roxy's color. There was a red spiral on **uu**'s face.

**TT: Uh.**

**TT: What the fuck am I looking at here?**

**uu: DON'T YOu SEE? IT IS uS! YOu AND ME.**

**uu: WE ARE GETTING PERHAPS A LITTLE TOO. *FRIENDLY.* IF YOu WILL. HAA. HAA.**

**TT: I... really don't see.**

**TT: What do you mean? This fucking scribbly bullshit is us? Are we shaking hands or something?**

**uu: WHOA! WHOAAAAAAAAAAA! DuDE. HAHA. FuCK.**

**uu: YOu HAVE AN EVEN DIRTIER MIND THAN ME. I'M FuCKING OuTCLASSED BY YOuR REPREHENSIBLE IMAGINATION ONCE AGAIN.**

**uu: I CAN'T SAY I'M SuRPRISED.**

**TT: So, it's just us? What about The Bitches?**

**TT: I thought you found a scarcity of The Bitches to be all but unacceptable.**

**uu: THE BITCHES AS YOu CAN PLAINLY SEE HAVE BEEN FAR FROM NEGLECTED. LOOK.**

**uu: THEY'RE RIGHT THERE ASSHOLE. THE BITCHES APPEAR TO BE. *AHEM.* RATHER ENJOYING EACH OTHER'S COMPANY?**

**uu: OOOOOOOOOOOH. **

**uu: SOO GNARLY. **

**uu: TO IMAGINE. WHAT FILTH MY OWN HAND HAS WROuGHT.**

**TT: Yeah. Gnarly is about right.**

**TT: This is utter shit. You know that, don't you?**

**TT: Please don't tell me you are actually incapable of understanding how bad this drawing is.**

**uu: WHAT. NO. FuCK YOu.**

**uu: IT'S PRETTY GOOD. AT LEAST FOR A FIRST TRY.**

**TT: If you actually think this even qualifies as a drawing, I'm going to have to say you are literally the worst artist who has ever existed.**

**uu: WHAT THE FuCK. THIS IS HOW YOu TREAT. MY "BIRTH DAY THANK YOu GIFT"?**

**TT: That's not a thing either.**

**TT: You must have some wires crossed between your left brain and right brain. Like a weird perceptual disorder. Or something like that.**

**TT: It's actually kind of fascinating that you think you achieved something visually coherent or recognizable.**

**uu: THIS IS OuTRAGEOuS.**

**TT: Anyway. Got to go.**

**TT: Your drawing blows.**

**TT: Later.**

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **ceased pestering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**TT: Hey.**

**TT: Just wondering if you're fully abreast of the little "situation" developing on Derse.**

**TT: What, the miles situation? Yeah, I noticed.**

**TT: No.**

**TT: Keep looking.**

**TT: Wait...**

**TT: Oh.**

**TT: Oh HELL no. **

**TT: I know, right?**

**TT: Ok, what the fuck is he doing here?**

**TT: I hold no accountability for this fiasco.**

**TT: And what in the name of Jesus H. Dick is SHE doing here?**

**TT: I am blameless in this debacle.**


	201. Book 12 Chapter 5: Final Preparations

Chapter 5: Final Preparations

Roxy returned home to find a variety of devices deployed throughout her house, and a variety of fires threatening to burn it down. She quickly put everyone on bucket duty to douse the flames. Now she supposed she understood why her Mom had left all these buckets in the house? She'd always thought it was a passive aggressive reminder for her to keep up with the housework.

At the behest of their roguish leader, the loyal band of Merry Men went straight to work in getting the fires under control. The Robin Hood reference was lost on them. Also lost on everybody was the sordid this appeared to resemble from an alien perspective, with all these buckets sloshing around and whatnot. Roxy's void powers could not black out this graphic debauchery soon enough.

She was far too preoccupied to notice the arm sticking out of a mysterious blue portal in her room. She didn't have time to indulge in a mysteriously repetitive trope that kept happening. IT KEPT HAPPENING. Gog damn… will we _ever_ find out what secrets those arms hold. Are they all the same arm? Or are arms sticking out of mysterious blue portals in the middle of nowhere some random universal constant?

As soon as she'd finished dousing the fires in her room, she ran the server program which auto-connected with Jake and a viewport of his old house just popped right open. This was going to be so easy. She could already tell, compared to her, everyone else sucked so bad at this game, not to mention at computers in general.

She had to deploy all this equipment ASAP. Not only was she in a hurry to hop into the session herself, it looked like Jake's volcano was beginning to erupt. Some lava had started a forest fire which was now slowly spreading towards the house. No sign of Jake yet. Hopefully the Dirks could somehow tag team that doofus and make him get with the program.

Oh right, **UU** had been going to message her when she got home, she'd almost forgotten. Time to switch gears and go into multitasking mode. She'd get as much done as she could while she talked, _also_ while nursing a hangover. It took a special kind of hacker babe to be able to handle that, she thought. She truly was as deadaly to the grid ass she was beatuiful.

Roxy set the Alchemiter down in the ruins of Jake's old house.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**UU: i can't see yoU, bUt yoU mUst be back by now, yes?**

**TG: y**

**TG: and i am how haxxing up storm**

**TG: p stank by**

**TG: *stand**

**UU: haxxing? :u**

**TG: u dont even no**

**TG: my fingers are the mean lil beaks**

**TG: of furirus woodpeckers**

**TG: and my keyboard**

**TG: is a pitiful plank of cruddy wood**

**TG: guarding a trove of tasty bungs**

**TG: it is guarding them i might add**

**TG: moist fucking unsuccessfully**

**UU: u~u**

**TG: as my digits rain danger**

**TG: on this hapless lamptop**

**TG: the result of my tappy onslaught**

**TG: is line after wicked line**

**TG: of leetfilthy codes**

**TG: aka..**

**TG: the governments worst nightmare**

**UU: Um...**

**TG: i will be in an out**

**TG: of the systerm**

**TG: before breakfast knows what ate it**

**TG: JACKPOP BABBY**

**TG: im am ur cryptogodress 8)**

**UU: roxy?**

**TG: it is womon verse machine**

**TG: a struggle old as stuff itself**

**TG: she will bring sburb to its knees**

**TG: and then turn**

**TG: with her shitwreckingest face**

**TG: and stare**

**TG: into the void**

**TG: and the void**

**TG: will wonk first**

**TG: ;3**

She placed the Lathe in the corner of the ruins.

**UU: i don't Understand.**

**UU: yoU are typing some sort of compUter program?**

**TG: no**

**TG: that was all mostly a huge load**

**TG: all that noisy keyboard bangin i just mentioned**

**TG: was me just typing all that shit i said 2 u**

**TG: lol i did type it superfast tho**

**TG: just like they do in dumb fake movies about primo hackers who r THA BEST**

**TG: i guess i hacked into our conversation? w/ bs nstead of codez**

**UU: ^u^;**

**TG: but for real**

**TG: im just drag &amp; dropin some game shit in to jakes place**

**TG: it is easy as a butt**

**TG: this kiddie game is a waste of my baller expertise**

**TG: * sexpertities**

**TG: / obligatory**

**TG: hey look**

**TG: a 'totem lathe'**

**TG: kay w/e**

**TG: BONK**

**TG: down it goes**

**TG: in that patch off dirt i guess**

**TG: daaang**

**TG: fits on that patch o dirt like**

**TG: a glass shitting slipper**

**TG: NEXT ?**

**UU: ah, i Understand. yoU're beginning then. good!**

**TG: yes im on a roll**

**TG: gettin my peeps outie**

**TG: splitting the ball b4 junk turns 2 pumpkins**

**TG: soooooooooo**

**TG: what were you going to give me back there? ;D**

**UU: right!**

**UU: it's a present i made for yoU.**

**TG: ooh!**

**UU: it coUld be...**

**UU: a farewell gift actUally.**

**TG: huh?**

**TG: are u leaving**

**UU: maybe.**

**UU: i am aboUt to go to sleep one last time before oUr schedUled entry.**

**UU: and there is a very real possibility that i will never wake Up.**

**TG: oh no!**

**TG: why!**

**UU: it is complicated.**

**UU: there is mUch to say aboUt it which i have never told yoU, dUe to my adherence to the rUles.**

**UU: some of which i am aboUt to break now, in order to give myself a fighting chance.**

**UU: bUt before i go down that serpentine path with yoU, here.**

**UU: one last bit of artwork from an admirer. something to remember me by, shoUld we never speak again.**

**UU** sent Roxy a drawing. The drawing was of Lalonde herself, but she had cotton candy stuck in her teal hair and a lollipop in her left hand. She wore red and green striped fuzzy arm warmers, a teal and pink striped scarf, and teal and yellow striped leggings. Her shoes were pink and yellow, she wore a lime green tutu, and her shirt was yellow with a lime green cat on it with hearts for eyes. The drawing was absolutely stunning.

**TG: !**

**TG: ssdlkjfs;lkfjdlskfj**

She accidentally set the Cruxtruder down just outside Jake's house.

**TG: ohhhly SHIT**

**TG: *hooooooly**

**TG: holiest of shits**

**TG: the shit...**

**TG: is down right**

**TG: SACROSANCT**

**TG: omgogmogmomog**

**TG: this owns**

**TG: my bones**

**UU: ^U^**

**TG: look at my outfit**

**TG: want 2 wear that outfit**

**TG: want 2 kiss + marry that outfist**

**TG: look**

**TG: at that lollipop**

**TG: that fuckin LOLLIPOP**

**TG: hehhe look at me goin in 4 a lick**

**TG: like im the queen of fuckall yall**

**TG: what is that in my hair**

**TG: is that**

**TG: COTTONE CANDY?**

**UU: indeed it is!**

**TG: say helloes to new phone wallpp**

**TG: sry baby eatin jake husband u r out**

**TG: /DIVORCE'D**

**TG: yes perfection**

**TG: more like**

**TG: perferection**

**TG: is what is givin me**

**TG: am getting the perfbonerz up in here**

**UU: i really enjoy drawing yoU. it is a treat.**

**UU: yoU are jUst so pretty. :u**

**TG: awwwwwwwwww**

**TG: 33####**

**TG: hearts n hashes**

**UU: anyway, i am very pleased that yoU like my drawing. ~u~**

**TG: i love it**

**TG: i love U**

**TG: U x2 combot**

**UU: yoU do?**

**UU: really?**

**TG: yes**

**TG: fo rillies**

**UU: :U**

**UU: blimey.**

**UU: this comes as qUite a sUrprise.**

**TG: well i mean**

**TG: not like lets got get space married love**

**TG: more like ur the best and i like you a lot love**

**UU: oh.**

**UU: then the conciliatory type. i Understand.**

**TG: wait**

**TG: i didnt mean to jerk you around...**

**TG: did u feel that way about me**

**TG: aww shit im sorry :(**

**UU: no! don't be.**

**UU: trUst me, that is not how i feel aboUt yoU. or anyone.**

**UU: thoUgh i trUly wish i were capable of those feelings.**

**UU: perhaps the fact that i am not is why the topic fascinates me so.**

**UU: and why i have been prone to indUlge in sUch...**

**UU: fancifUl visUalizations.**

**UU: of yoUr people's lovely bright red relationships.**

**UU: they mUst be nice. u_u**

**TG: lol well its not like i would know either way**

**TG: but thats cool i didnt know that about you**

**TG: i dont know ANYTHING about u but i wish i did**

**TG: cant you at least tell me your name bfore you uh**

**TG: maybe go ways 4 ever? ;(**

**UU: yes, as a matter of fact.**

**UU: that is actUally the reason i am contacting yoU.**

**UU: it is one rUle i have decided to break.**

**TG: oh fuck!**

**TG: what is it!**

**UU: my name is calliope.**

**TG: :o**

**TG: ...**

**TG: ilike it :3**

**UU: it feels so strange to type that!**

**UU: bUt also good, actUally.**

Roxy walked into her observatory and opened the Cruxtruder, letting the kernelsprite out from its prison canister.

**TG: well ty for finally confiding in me calilope**

**TG: *calliope sorrey**

**UU: yoU're welcome. it is good to get it off my chest.**

**UU: bUt i am primarily telling yoU this as a last resort, in hopes of saving myself.**

**UU: yoU see, this rUle between me and my brother is a kind of trUce.**

**UU: we have both agreed not to say oUr names to anyone so that things will not get oUt of hand, and so it became one of the rUles.**

**UU: if anyone were to say his name to me, i woUld immediately fall asleep, and he woUld wake Up.**

**UU: so yoU will Understand if i refrain from telling yoU his as well. ~_u**

**TG: so**

**TG: hes sleeping now?**

**UU: yes, fortUnately for both of Us.**

**UU: now, chronologically speaking, i have never contacted yoU after this moment.**

**UU: so if i never wake Up from my next nap, yoU will never hear from me again.**

**UU: if yoU do not hear from me later, i woUld very mUch appreciate it if yoU coUld message my brother, and say my name.**

**UU: it may be the only chance i have to wake Up again.**

**TG: fuuuck**

**TG: this is highly terrible and scary stuff youre saying**

**TG: but yes ill def do that**

**UU: splendid!**

**UU: kisses**

**TG: shit now i wish we had more time to talk**

**TG: quick what otter rules were you going 2 break**

**TG: spill it cali!**

**UU: i want to!**

**UU: it is overwhelming, trying to be cavalier aboUt rUles i have respected all my life. i'm not sUre where to begin.**

**TG: well**

**TG: what i wonder is**

**TG: you said you couldnt have romantic feelings**

**TG: or "red relations" as you said in your trolly way**

**UU: oh, i can have romantic feelings.**

**UU: jUst not the flUshed kind, which hUmans describe as romantic love.**

**TG: ok but**

**TG: i didnt think that was alien to you**

**TG: not the way u made it sound**

**TG: like dont trolls have the 4 kinds and one kind is just staight up love feelins**

**UU: yes, that's right.**

**UU: bUt...**

**UU: oh bUgger. this is so embarrassing to have to admit.**

**UU: i am sorry for saying things which may have reasonably led yoU to believe this.**

**UU: probably way too many things. u_u;**

**UU: bUt i am not actUally a troll.**

**TG: o**

**TG: rrrrrelay**

**UU: i have never actUally claimed to be. bUt i'm sUre i have implied it, probably dUe to wishfUl thinking.**

**UU: i have spent so mUch time wishing i coUld be one.**

**UU: trolls are a remarkable and fascinating race.**

**UU: hUmans are too, please don't get me wrong!**

**UU: bUt i am oUt and oUt smitten with trolls and their history and ways.**

**UU: they have sUch amazing, coloUrfUl social dynamics that soUnd like so mUch fUn to be a part of.**

**UU: and they are so beaUtifUl.**

**UU: i wish i coUld be that pretty.**

**UU: UnfortUnately, i am not very attractive at all.**

**UU: sad to say, no one woUld kiss the corpse i will leave behind.**

**UU: even if there were someone aroUnd to revive me, i doUbt they woUld be inclined to bother.**

**UU: for, er... several reasons, actUally.**

**UU: bUt really, it was always for the best that i cannot have fUlly flUshed feelings.**

**UU: no one coUld ever love me.**

**TG: oh man no!**

**TG: that is not true**

**UU: it is.**

**UU: and it's for the best that no one has ever seen my face, aside from my brother.**

**TG: but i want 2 c u**

**TG: i proimise i wont think you look bad or judge you**

**UU: no.**

**UU: i am sorry.**

**TG: :(**

**TG: then what kinda alien are you**

**TG: wait dont tell me youre ACUTALLY from urnanus?**

**UU: heehee. no.**

**UU: that jUst happened to be a planet from yoUr system i thoUght was lovely.**

**UU: i was particUlarly strUck by its UniqUe rotation.**

**UU: it has very nice...**

**UU: bollocks, what's the word.**

**UU: the term that refers to a ball's topspin?**

**TG: ?**

**UU: it doesn't matter.**

**UU: bUt no, i'm not even from yoUr Universe, let alone a nearby planet.**

**UU: my species has never even had a home planet.**

**TG: what species are u**

**UU: i am a cherUb!**

Roxy returned to her room and put the cruxite dowel in the Lathe.

**TG: omg**

**TG: that is**

**TG: amazing?**

**TG: like u have wings or such**

**UU: no!**

**UU: i doUbt i am what yoU're pictUring.**

**UU: bUt aside from a few sUperficial similarities, we are very different from trolls and hUmans.**

**UU: we are not a social race. we generally will not ever encoUnter another of oUr kind, Unless it is time to mate.**

**UU: and when that time comes, oUr coUrtship is nothing like it is for hUmans.**

**UU: it is highly confrontational and violent.**

**TG: sounds so lonely**

**TG: plus w/ hecks of tricky sex**

**UU: it is lonely.**

**UU: bUt that is in oUr natUre, to be alone. jUst as it is to find attraction throUgh contempt.**

**UU: now that i think aboUt it, i shoUld have known.**

**UU: i've been so foolish.**

**TG: known what**

**UU: aboUt the natUre of my game session.**

**UU: i believed he and i coUld play together, even Under oUr UniqUe biological circUmstances.**

**UU: i was so daft, i thoUght skaia had actUally made an exception for Us.**

**UU: and that we coUld overcome oUr conflicts, work together, and fUlfill the game's minimUm reqUirement of two players. one of space and the other of time.**

**UU: bUt i was always fooling myself.**

**UU: it is now clear only one of Us will sUrvive.**

**UU: my skaian visions have misled me.**

**UU: or i have blinded myself to their trUe meaning.**

**UU: this was always meant to be a session of one.**

**UU: and i am finally starting to Understand...**

**UU: the reality of that coUld have conseqUences more horrifying than we coUld begin to imagine.**

**TG: um**

**TG: how**

**UU: the thing is, yoU don't know him like i do.**

**UU: as hard as it may be to believe, he is even worse than yoU think.**

**UU: and it's all sUch a shame, not jUst becaUse of that.**

**UU: it is a shame that i won't be able to play, i gUess for selfish reasons.**

**UU: i was so looking forward to it.**

**UU: i really thoUght i was going to be someone special.**

**UU: that i coUld Use my abilities do something no one had ever done.**

**TG: hey you are being so defeatist stop that!**

**TG: you dont know you wont play we havent even tried the wakeup call yet remembr?**

**UU: yes. you're right.**

**UU: mUch like skaia, i've sUccUmbed to a gloomier outlook lately, due to recent setbacks.**

**TG: so whats going to be special bout your game?**

**TG: aside from that its just your fuckhead bro and you**

**UU: well, i was always led to believe i woUld be an extraordinary type of player.**

**UU: both of Us woUld be. we are both assigned extremely rare and powerfUl classes.**

**UU: they are the two master classes!**

**TG: oh yeh?**

**TG: what is urs**

**UU: mine is the most passive on the scale. a class designated for females only.**

**UU: i am the mUse of space. ^u^**

**TG: sounds p cool**

**TG: whats a muse do**

**UU: i'm not entirely sUre. i was hoping to discover that on my joUrney.**

**UU: anyway, his is the other master class.**

**UU: the most active class of all, reserved for male players.**

**TG: what is it**

**UU: Um...**

**UU: roxy.**

**UU: i think we may be getting a wee bit carried away with trivia here.**

**UU: we both have so mUch to do.**

**UU: yoU need to focUs on getting to safety, while i need to...**

**UU: prepare myself. for what i hope will be a short nap.**

**TG: ok**

**TG: you are right**

**TG: la siiiiiigh**

**TG: im worried 4 you**

**TG: but optimistic**

**TG: i will call ur name like a million times**

**TG: and shout it in 2 the void every chance i get**

**TG: til u come back :3**

**UU: you are a good friend, roxy.**

**UU: please take care.**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

Two spiralled candycorn horns overlooked a computer with a symbol of a caduceus on it. Gray gloves were removed, revealing green claws and placed next to a vial of gray face paint and a white wig.

Calliope the cherub stood in front of her computer. Stood because there was no chair to be found. She had green skin, sharp teeth (complete with a couple of fangs), green eyes, lime green green spirals on her cheeks, and wore a dark green jacket the same color as her skin. Underneath her jacket, the top of a black shirt was visible and she also wore a red bowtie.


	202. Book 12 Chapter 6: Lights Out

Chapter 6: Lights Out

Calliope removed the last accessory of her prized cosplay ensemble, the headband with the troll horns on it, and put it neatly with the rest of the stuff. The place was messy enough already without tossing horns about carelessly.

She had fond memories of solo-cosplay in her room. It was a lot of fun and alarmingly comfortable to just lounge around in her room in-character. She really hoped she'd get the chance to put it on again after her nap… Well, maybe not the face paint. She didn't wear that so much anymore. He got especially furious every time she did.

Her floor was covered with assorted meat and candy that her jerk brother had thrown onto her side of the room. Ugh. He was just atrocious! He'd always been a pain to live with, but now that he seemed to be on the verge of victory, he was completely out of control. He'd recently broken her lovely chessboard in half and scattered the pieces about, most of which were now missing. Talk about a shitty roommate.

She looked over at her wall, which was covered in a few select drawings she had done over the years of her absolute all-time favorite characters. Er… she meant friends. She often liked to draw her trollsona too, Callie Ohpeee. Yes, she supposed it was a stretch, fitting her name into the 6/6 letter format like that. It was okay though. The limebloods reportedly had had some unusual names. And they sure hadn't been popular. She liked to believe she'd have fit right in. She'd written endlessly about Callie Ohpeee, and nearly filled a hard drive with related artwork. Calliope had wished for nothing more in her life than to be her. Alas, she was resigned to living out the rest of her days as a little green skull monster. It really sucked!

To the left of her drawing of Callie Ohpeee was a drawing of nothing in particular. Nothing she understood at least. It was a symbol that had haunted her visions for as long as she could remember. It was a circle with a small flare coming out of the bottom and then spiraling.

She stepped back, the shackle jingling… what? This? This little metal anklet with the Ophiuchus symbol on it that's chained to the wall? Never mind that. The room needed some tidying up! She stowed the delicious mess in her sylladex. She might be inclined to snack on it now, but due to the nature of her juju modus, she could not access it. Once she captchalogued something, only her brother could access it. And vice versa. Calliope always made sure never to captchalogue anything that was particularly important to her. She thought sometimes that he chucked stuff over to her side of the room just to bait her into captchaloguing it for him, and getting it into his inventory. She kind of didn't think he was engaging in such machinations this time though. It looked like he was just being a petulant brat.

She looked at the box of Special Stardust in the corner of her room. Cherubs loved this stuff. They ate it like breakfast cereal every day. It didn't even have any magical properties though. It was really just some useless sparkly powder they liked to eat. It was basically inedible to any other kind of creature. However, it was potentially quite useful for arts and crafts.

Given the frustrating nature of their modus, Calliope's sylladex tended to serve as more of a mutual garbage dump than an inventory. She was almost afraid to look at what her brother had left for her in here…

It seemed he had left a series of unpleasant notes to taunt her. Recently he'd taken an interest in "learning to draw," which she thought was an extremely generous way of putting it. He had always shown such contempt for art in general. Maybe he was finally trying to expand his horizons?

She looked at a couple of the notes. **CALLIOPE IS. A BRuTAL HIDEOuS BITCH.** **YOuR DEATH. WILL BE. YOuR SINGLE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT. (YOuR "FRIENDS" WILL BE HAPPY.)**

Or… maybe he was just looking for yet another way to stick it to her. **WHEN YOu DIE. I WILL PAINT EVERYTHING. WITH YOuR BLOOD. ****EVEN MY WORDS.** **tumut**

Calliope shook her head and decided to check out the green tome in her room. Making absolutely sure not to captchalogue it, she removed her tablet, which she used to pen all the striking visuals related to her favorite epic, and lifted the book underneath. This was her chief source of information about said epic. It was written by a legendary Seer of Light many ages ago. While there were some mysterious holes in the account—dark spots if you will—it nevertheless remained an indispensible resource.

She opened the book to a random page. Oh, right. this one. This page had always baffled her. She had stared at it long and hard, trying to decipher some sort of hidden meaning behind what appeared to be pure chaos. She was sure such meaning was there. It was always there, when it came to this tale.

_Wait a minute._ Something had just occurred to her. This "drawing style" was highly reminiscent of her brother's, which until recently, she had never seen before. It was almost uncanny. His inscrutable squiggles. His penchant for arbitrary, completely baffling straight lines and right angles, almost as if trying unsuccessfully to begin constructing a grid. And these odd shapes there… could they be depictions of bones? He sure was obsessed with death. No, she thought this couldn't possibly be coincidence. The comparison was too perfect for it to mean absolutely nothing.

Had he arrived when this was being written? Or had he already been there, somehow? He was supposedly exceptionally advanced Hero of Time, after all. Could it be that her horrible stupid brother of all people had been inextricably involved in her entire epic all along? For the first time ever, she had just uncovered compelling evidence that this might be true.

This was what she had always enjoyed doing. Agonizing over every detail of this epic, trying to craft theories to explain its mysteries. She thought she was pretty good at it, too. But now that she thought about it, maybe her theory was just too far fetched. Actually it was completely preposterous, and she didn't even know what she'd been thinking there. She was pretty sure he would get a kick out of the idea though, what with his megalomaniac view of himself as some sort of lethal puzzlemaster, always boasting that red herrings swam through his veins and such. Which was just about the biggest crock of shit she'd ever heard.

She flipped to another page. Yeah, see here? These were the dark spots she'd been referring to. Little tidbits here and there had been redacted by some fool with no respect for history. It looked like he'd used some kind of peculiar indigo ink.

Frustratingly enough, most of the redactions targeted any piece of information about the indestructible demon who was either directly or indirectly behind every terrible event in the story. Everything about him, like where he had come from, information about his manipulative right hand man, his abilities, his name… all of it had been voided out.

Most of the other blot-outs seemed to target one member of the post-scratch troll group. Some guy who drank a lot of soda? These omissions struck her as much less consequential. Frivolous, even. Whoever that guy had been, he sounded like he'd easily been the least important character in the entire story.

Under the green tome was a bigger black tome. It was some sort of programming book. Calliope didn't care much for programming, but she'd adapted it as a fanfiction journal. She'd filled it up completely with her most colorful headcanons and romfics. She'd also pasted in some of her artwork, turning a rather dreary manual on some morbid, tilde-heavy language into a lively scrapbook. Most of the stories involved Callie, and all of them heavy themes of romance. Particularly the other three quadrants which were completely alien to her, and therefore especially titillating.

She… didn't really want to open it. Down that road lay only endless embarrassments. If she'd had a bed, she would've scooted the whole dang thing underneath where no one could see it. And also, if that hypothetical bed wasn't in neutral territory. She didn't even want to imagine what he'd do if he got his hands on it.

She retrieved her wand from her desk. The white wand was her weapon of choice, half the time. Magic was very handy. Some people believed magic to be fake. But she knew better than that. Of course, if anyone had tried using this wand right now, it sure would seem like magic wasn't real. Couldn't very well use magic when her wand was out of bullets.

She loaded her white magnum. She wouldn't trade her dualing weapon for any other. It was lightweight, elegant, and precise, like a conductor's baton with stopping power. Her brother's favored weapon was a little more… heavy handed. To each their own, she supposed.

Calliope looked at the little green chest covered in lime green swirls that sat in the corner of her side of the room. This was her juju chest. She kept her juju inside of it, surprisingly enough.

She opened the chest and gazed upon her dear, sweet, precious juju. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen in her life. How her brother would love to get his grubby claws on it. And how she would love to get hers on his, for that matter.

Suddenly, it became painfully clear that we weren't going to get a look at this thing. At least not for a while. How typical. Why don't we stop wasting everyone's time, shut the lid on this lousy MacGuffin, and get on with it.

She neatly put her weapon where it belonged. In its holster. No need to wear it, since she'd be preparing for her nap soon. She kind of wished straightening up her room didn't feel so much like getting her affairs in order.

Calliope examined the other chain. This was the chain she shackled to her other leg when she was about to go to sleep. She was the only one who was able to unlock it. Both chains were totally unbreakable, and their anchors were immovable from the wall, due to a mysterious juju enchantment. All juju enchantments were equally mysterious. Each was equally more mysterious than the last.

Sleeping with shackled legs didn't make for very comfy slumber. Still, it was advisable to stay in the habit, unless she wanted all her belongings messed with.

She walked over to her bed. But like she'd said. She didn't have a bed. She had a sarswapagus. Every time she woke up, she was always sure to put the lid back on neatly. Considering she virtually always found it exactly where she'd left it, she doubted her brother was anywhere near as diligent about making the bed. Wait, she meant sarswapagus.

But the fact that he was a slob was never exactly breaking news to anyone. Neither was the fact that they both shared a body. I mean come on.

She looked at the ladder that led outside. Being tethered to the wall, she couldn't venture too far beyond the exit though. But she might as well go for a bit of fresh air before she slept. One more six-foot-radius stroll in the sun. It could be her last chance.

She climbed the ladder, stepping out into the sunlight. Sunlight, on this planet, was sort of hard to avoid. It came in great supply from her planet's star, a massive red supergiant. Calliope's world was so old, its star was reaching the end of its life cycle. It may collapse any day now. Whatever way it was she finally departed this world, she was going to miss the place. It was very peaceful here, in the ruins of a laboratory on a meteor on a desert planet bathed in the red glow of the sun. She stared into the eyes of a shitty jpeg statue of liberty and stuck out her forked tongue. To be honest though, she could do without some of the tacky scenery. Not like there was just one shitty jpeg statue of liberty. There was, like, a whole sea of them. She had always had the feeling that whoever used to live on this planet had had a really strange sense of humor.

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****uranianUmbra [UU]**

**uu: HEY.**

**uu: I WOuLD LIKE TO PLAY A GAME.**

**uu: IT'S CALLED "BOND WITH AN IDIOT SISTER OVER SOME BuLLSHIT SHARED INTERESTS BEFORE SHE DIES FOREVER."**

**uu: DOES THAT SOuND FuN.**

**uu: HERE'S A GOOD PART OF THE STORY I THINK.**

**uu: YOu MuST KNOW THE ONE I MEAN.**

**uu: LET'S TALK ABOuT IT TOGETHER.**

**uu: SHARE SOME THEORIES.**

**uu: DO SOME FAN GIRLING.**

**uu: PRODuCE SOME.**

**uu: "FAN ART."**

**uu: THERE'S THE JANE HuMAN. **

**uu: YOu LIKE THE JANE HuMAN BEST DON'T YOu? **

**uu: YOu CAN RELATE TO HER. **

**uu: SHE IS ALMOST AS uGLY AS YOu. **

**uu: AND TWICE AS DuMB.**

Dirk pointed at the Transportalizer Jane had just come from.

**DIRK: Jane.**

**DIRK: Get the fuck out of here.**

**uu: LOOK AT THIS IDIOT WOMAN.**

**uu: NOT DOING WHAT THIS BRAVE AND INTELLIGENT MALE IS SAYING.**

**uu: YOu JuST KNOW HER FOOLISHNESS WILL BE PuNISHED.**

**uu: AND RIGHTLY SO.**

**uu: AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE? **

**uu: WAIT FOR IT...**

A tendril of the Red Miles hit Jane in the stomach, stabbing straight through her.

**uu: BOO. YEAH.**

**JAKE: JANE!**

**uu: HAA HAA HAA!**

**uu: SuCH A TOTAL FuCKING GONER.**

A giant piece of a Dersite tower fell onto a Transportalizer, breaking it in half.

**uu: SHE'S SLIPPING AWAY FROM uS!**

**uu: BYE JANE HuMAN!**

**uu: HAA HAA HOO HEE HEE!**

The image started to flicker into a blackout.

**uu: GOD DAMN VIEW PORT. HORSE SHIT.**

Suddenly, the whole scene vanished and was replaced with pure black.

**uu: COME. *ON*.**

**uu: WHATEVER. **

**uu: GOT A GOOD ENOuGH A LOOK. **

**uu: FOR SOME SOLID GOLD... **

**uu: *PORTRAITuRE.***

**uu** drew a light blue scribble on his drawing tablet with the heading "**DEAD.**"

He switched the viewport back on and viewed Jake, who was still in shock over Jane's death.

**uu: WILL YOu GET A MAMMOTH LOAD OF THIS CLuELESS DuMBFuCK.**

**uu: HE ACTuALLY "CARES" ABOuT STuFF. AND LIKE. WEIRDLY uRINATES THROuGH HIS EYE HOLES. WHAT A JOKE.**

**uu: I REALLY HATE HIM.**

**uu: WHY ALL THE BITCHES.**

**uu: FLuSH OVER THIS MuMBLING. SOCIALLY STuNTED IMBECILE. I WILL NEVER KNOW.**

**uu: TALK ABOuT THICK HEADED.**

**DIRK: JAKE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!**

**uu: HIS SKuLL.**

**uu: IS ALMOST AS THICK AS MINE. **

**uu: t~mut**

Lil Seb leaped over the firey gap between where Dirk and Jane were and where Jake was, scuttling him out of the way and transportalizing him out of there before the Transportalizer was broken in half by the falling building.

The bunny rocketed Jake out of the temple and flew him over to his house. Unfortunately, a dragon happened to be there at the same time, causing an explosion with its menacing glare and knocking Seb in one direction and Jake in the other. The bunny landed in the water, sinking to the bottom. Jake put on his helmet as protection for his head as he plummeted towards the ruins of his house.

**uu: LOOK AT THIS.**

**uu: FuCKING SHAMELESS.**

**uu: EITHER HE IS LIKE. **

**uu: MY PERSONAL ONE MAN FANDOM. **

**uu: KIND OF LIKE. A HYPOTHETICAL SuRROGATE FOR ALL MY POTENTIAL ADMIRERS. **

**uu: OR. **

**uu: HE IS A WORTHLESS HACK.**

Jake hit the floor and was knocked unconscious.

**uu: HE MAKES NO BONES ABOuT GANKING MY LOOK.**

**uu: IT'S PATHETIC.**

**uu: YOu DON'T JuST GO AND JACK A MAN'S SWAGGER.**

**uu: THAT'S THE CARDINAL FuCKING RuLE OF BROS. RIGHT?**

**uu: PROBABLY SOME DAY.**

**uu: I'LL TEACH HIM A LESSON FOR THAT.**

He drew a shitty scribble depicting the unconscious kid with the heading "**KO'D.**"

He then switched to viewing Roxy. She was in the process of placing the pre-punched card in the Totem Lathe.

**uu: CHECK OuT THIS TOP SHELF HO.**

**uu: DON'T YOu LIKE HER THE MOST?**

**uu: YOu *WISH*. THAT YOu COuLD BE SO EASY ON THE EYES.**

**uu: IT'S TOO BAD YOu WILL DIE HIDEOuS!**

**uu: AND YET YOu WILL LEAVE BEHIND. A TRuLY BREATH TAKING CORPSE.**

**uu: BuT I THINK. **

**uu: THIS DELuXE BITCH HAS GOTTEN A BIT CARRIED AWAY HERE. **

**uu: ALL THINKING SHE CAN. DO HEROIC STuFF. AND "SAVE LIVES". uGH. **

**uu: BuT THE ROXY HuMAN HAS MISCALCuLATED.**

**uu: THIS RIDICuLOuS FEMALE HAS FAILED TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION. **

**uu: THAT. **

**uu: YOu CAN'T...**

**uu: ESCAPE.**

Roxy leaped back as a tendril of Red Miles burst through the roof, interrupting her totem-making.

**uu: THE MIIIIIIIIIIILES!**

**uu: AAAAAAAAAAAH HAA HAA HAA HEE HEE.**

**uu: "YOu CAN'T ESCAPE THE MILES" IS TOTALLY GOING TO BECOME A THING, CAL!**

**uu: THERE'S NOTHING YOu CAN DO ABOuT IT. BECAuSE YOu'LL BE DEAD!**

**uu: HOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HAA HAA!**

**uu: HAA HAA HEE HEE HAA HOO WAIT. FuCK. **

**uu: FuCKING TERMINAL. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN WITH THIS BITCH AGAIN? **

**uu: YOu SAID SOMETHING ABOuT THAT ONCE I THINK. BuT IT WAS BORING. **

**uu: GOD DAMN IT. JuST SHOW ME THE MONEY SHOT YOu PIECE OF SHIT!**

The viewport blacked out.

**uu: NO! DON'T BLACK OuT. IT WAS JuST GETTING GOOD!**

**uu: WHATEVER.**

**uu: WE BOTH KNOW THE LAME ROXY FEMALE WAS TOAST THERE.**

**uu: LuCKILY. **

**uu: I POSSESS A VIVID IMAGINATION. **

**uu: SuCH HAS BEEN MY uNPRECEDENTED ESCALATION IN ARTISTIC PROWESS. **

**uu: THAT I AM NOW ABLE TO RENDER WITH IMMACuLATE PRECISION. **

**uu: THAT WHICH REMAINS ENTIRELY uNSEEN!**

He drew a pink scribble with the caption "**DEAD. (ARTIST'S RENDITION.)**"

He then switched the viewport to display the final human, the Dirk one. He was still floating over Jane's dead body, wondering what to do. Should he kiss her?

**uu: OK.**

**uu: SAY WHAT YOu WILL.**

**uu: ABOuT THE BITCHES.**

**uu: AND THE BRAIN DAMAGED JACKASS IN SHORTS.**

**uu: BuT. THE DIRK HuMAN IS A PRETTY COOL GuY.**

**uu: HE GETS THINGS DONE.**

**uu: AND ISN'T AFRAID TO FuCK SOME SHIT uP.**

**uu: LIKE. HE ACTuALLY LISTENS.**

**uu: TO STuFF THAT'S IMPORTANT FOR A DuDE TO GET OFF HIS CHEST.**

**uu: YOu KNOW. HE *GETS* EXACTLY THAT WHICH THE BITCHES CAN NEVER uNDERSTAND.**

**uu: I GuESS WHAT I MEAN IS. HE REALLY KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS.**

**uu: TO TRuLY BE A BRO.**

**uu: OH FuCK.**

**uu: WAS I JuST "FAN GIRLING" TOO HARD THERE?**

**uu: GIVE ME A FuCKING BREAK. **

**uu: I AM NEW TO THIS. **

**uu: GuSHING OVER THIS POINTLESS CLAPTRAP. **

**uu: I AM REACHING OuT TO YOu CAL. **

**uu: WE HAVE TO SAVOR. **

**uu: THESE PRECIOuS FEW MOMENTS WE HAVE LEFT TOGETHER! **

**uu: HEE HEE.**

**uu: BuT DON'T GET ME WRONG. **

**uu: ABOuT THE DIRK HuMAN.**

**uu: I'D STILL LOVE TO WATCH HIM DIE...**

A huge chunk of the Dersite tower broke off and fell towards Dirk.

**uu: DAMN IT.**

**uu: ALWAYS WITH THE BLACKOuT SHIT.**

**uu: BE SuCH A RuDE CRACKDOWN. ON MY MONEY AS FuCK.**

**uu: KID SNuFF CHANNEL.**

**uu: NO MATTER. **

**uu: PRETTY SuRE I GOT THIS COVERED. **

**uu: WITH MY GODLY SKILLZ.**

He drew a purple scribble that represented Dream Dirk's Derse pajamas with the heading "**KO'D. (ARTIST'S RENDITION.)**"

**uu: I TOLD HIM!**

**uu: WHAT DID I TELL HIM?**

**uu: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!**

Dirk, the one on Earth who was still alive, tilted his head at the juju. It kicked him hard in the head and plummeted off the building.

**uu: THERE CAN ONLY.**

**uu: EVER.**

**uu: **********EVER.*************

**uu: BE ONE.**

Lil Cal fell into the fire and sank to the bottom of the ocean. Dirk lay on the ground, a large bruise beginning to form on his forehead.

**uu: AAAAAAAAAAAH.**

**uu: HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO. HAA. HAA. HEE. HEE. HOO. HOO.**

Squarewave and Sawtooth looked at each other questioningly.

**uu: HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO. HAAAA. HAAAA. HEEEE. HEEEE. HOOOO. HOOOO.**

**uu: HOLD uP. **

**uu: GONNA STOP LAuGHING FOR A SECOND TO MAKE ANOTHER TRANSCENDENTAL MASTERPIECE. **

**uu: THE FINE ARTS REQuIRE ALL OF MY CONCENTRATION.**

He drew an orange scribble with the heading "**KO'D. (ACTuAL FOOTAGE.)**"

**uu: HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAA. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HEEEEEEEEEEE. HOOOOOOOOOOO. HOOOOOOOOOOO.**

One by one, all four of the colored lanterns on LOCAH went out.


	203. Book 12 Chapter 7: Dream Dream Dirk

Chapter 7: Dream Dream Dirk

Terezi sidled up closer to Brain Ghost Dirk.

**DIRK: Hey. You're kind of breathing down my neck there.**

**TEREZI: (wh4t?)**

**TEREZI: (no 1m not)**

**DIRK: Yes you are.**

**DIRK: Are you sniffing me?**

**TEREZI: (no)**

**DIRK: It sounds like you're sniffing me.**

**DIRK: Do you really have to stand so close?**

**TEREZI: (wh4t 4r3 you t4lk1ng 4bout)**

**DIRK: You just inched a little closer. Just now.**

**TEREZI: (no th1s 1s f1n3)**

**TEREZI: (1 4m tot4lly r3sp3ct1ng your p3rson4l bound4r13s)**

**DIRK: Ok, you just took a big fucking sniff.**

**DIRK: Cut that out.**

**TEREZI: (no!)**

**DIRK: Wait.**

**DIRK: Shut up.**

**DIRK: Ok, something's happening.**

**TEREZI: (:?)**

**DIRK: I feel weird.**

Dream Dirk, who had been unconscious, was now dreaming. He had become Brain Ghost Dirk. Well, not really Brain Ghost Dirk anymore. More like Dream Dream Dirk. Dream Dream Dirk materialized into existence. Everyone stared, except for Meenah, who was still lying on the ground thinking about the Condesce.

**DIRK: What just happened?**

**TEREZI: B34TS M3**

**DIRK: Ok you really need to step off, troll girl.**

**TEREZI: NO TH1S 1S F1N3**

**TEREZI: 3V3RYTH1NGS F1N3**

**DIRK: Holy shit you are loud when you're not whispering.**

**TEREZI: *SN1111111F***

**DIRK: Does this mean you can see me now?**

**TEREZI: NO**

**TEREZI: BUT TH3Y C4N**

Dirk pushed her away with one hand and raised his other hand in the air in an awkward wave.

**DIRK: Alright.**

**DIRK: Uh.**

**DIRK: Hey everyone.**

**DIRK: So... **

**DIRK: Here's the thing. **

**DIRK: I have to go. **

**DIRK: Like, right now.**

Kanaya looked back and forth between Rose and Dave, who were both equally transfixed on Dirk.

**DIRK: All of my friends are either dead, or lying on the ground unconscious, including me.**

**DIRK: So I have to try to wake up and fix everything.**

**DIRK: Sorry I can't hang around your bubble and shoot the breeze for a while. **

**DIRK: It's not like I don't want to. **

**DIRK: I guess I have to be this huge fucking wet blanket as usual because there's stuff that needs doin'.**

Dream Dream Dirk floated up to Dream Roxy and grabbed her hand.

**DIRK: Also I'm just gonna steal her if you don't mind.**

**DIRK: She needs to come home.**

**DIRK: Tell the aquatic punk girl my idiot bro is sorry for beating the shit out of her. **

**DIRK: Ha ha, who am I kidding. **

**DIRK: She stone cold does not give a fuck.**

**DIRK: So, yeah.**

**DIRK: See you later.**

He and his sleeping friend absconded from the pink Alternian moon towards the edge of the dream bubble.

**DAVE: what**

Calliope set her shoes down and hung her jacket up on her coatrack, revealing a black shirt with the Ophiuchus symbol on it underneath. She left the bowtie on. Her pants were held up by suspenders, a fact which hadn't been noticeable under her jacket.

As Calliope sat on the edge of the sarswapagus and shackled her feet, an arm stuck out of a mysterious blue portal over her desk. When she looked over at her side of the room, however, it was gone. She sighed deeply and lay down, closing her eyes slowly.

Dream Dream Dirk threw Dream Roxy through the edge of the dream bubble and she began to float away.

Everyone on the moon in the dream bubble stared up as they vanished from sight. Aranea used her mind control powers to wake Dirk up.

The orange lantern flickered back to life. Dream Dream Dirk vanished and Dream Dirk woke up.


	204. Book 12 Chapter 8: Unite Synchronization

Chapter 8: Unite Synchronization

The Red Miles stabbed through the B2 universe, flying past Mars and Venus and hitting Earth. Dirk sat up as they began to surround him. It was now or never. He had to synchronize everything and then unite his friends.

He captchalogued Squarewave, gave a thumbs up to Sawtooth, and then dashed inside to the main room, where he plugged the fenestrated wall that GCAT had teleported there into the wall.

Next, he ran into his room and jumped onto the Cruxtruder, doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette to retrieve the cruxite dowel inside. He also grabbed the mini Crockercorp Transportalizer. The kernelsprite floated above. He jumped onto a hoverboard, flew towards the door, then spun off of the door, flipped over the Cruxtruder and smashed through the window. He tossed the dowel to Sawtooth, then smashed through another window into the main room of his apartment. The board grinded against the Lathe as he entered and he grabbed onto it, changing his direction to vertical and breaking through the fenestrated wall on the ground.

Meenah, who happened to be nearby, jumped up and high-fived him as he flew by, and then he broke through the wall on the other side, arriving in the lab. He flew upwards, smashing through the roof of the lab and flying to Roxy's house, skillfully dodging the miles all the while.

Dirk landed and entered Roxy's room, deploying Squarewave and giving him a quick fist bump and then picking up his dead friend's body and kissing her deeply.

**SQUAREWAVE: YEAH DOGG!**

The kiss woke Roxy's dream self up and she looked down at where Dream Dirk and Jane lay. D-did she have to kiss them? Well Dream Dirk was just unconscious, so she'd be fine, but Jane… She held Jane's body in her arms and moved her mouth closer to Jane's bloodied face, puckering her lips and screwing her eyes shut. She couldn't… DO IT!

Back in Roxy's house, Dirk captchalogued one of the buckets and put it inside the Transportalizer. It vanished. He then picked up the Transportalizer and slowly placed it over his head, like a helmet.

Roxy moved in again to kiss Jane and…

Dirk's head transportalized away, severing his neck and killing him instantly. The headless boy collapsed next to the dead Roxy.

The orange lantern went out again.

Dirk's head appeared in front of Jake in the ruins of his old house. Someone splashed water on the boy and he sat up, spluttering.

**JAKE: What the hell…**

The shades, still on Dirk's head, began to pester him.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**TT: Jake.**

**TT: It seems you are going to have to kiss me.**

**GT: What?**

**GT: Dude what is going on...**

**GT: Is this... is this really dirks head?**

**GT: What happened to him!**

**TT: Dirk's dead, Jake.**

**TT: You have to bring him back to life.**

**GT: How?!**

**TT: I already told you.**

**TT: If you want Dirk to live.**

**TT: The odds that you are going to have to make out with this severed head are so high, I literally just confiscated their bong.**

**GT: Uhh.**

**TT: I refuse to believe my statement has left you unconvinced. The very notion is absurd. Now hurry up and kiss me.**

**TT: Chop chop. **

**GT: I dont understand!**

**GT: Are you saying i have to kiss him... like uh... on the lips... while you stare at me through his sunglasses like a weirdo?**

**TT: Yes.**

**GT: That doesnt make any sense!**

**GT: Can you actually tell me whats going on?! What happened to him?**

**TT: I told you, Jake.**

**TT: Dirk is dead.**

**TT: He is lying on the floor of Roxy's room, headless, four hundred and thirteen years in the future, while the universe is about to be destroyed.**

**TT: If you don't kiss me soon, he will be dead forever.**

**GT: So...**

**GT: If i kiss him his headless body will hop up and start prancing about or...**

**GT: Will he grow a new head?**

**TT: No. His dream self will take over as the new Dirk.**

**TT: But only if you hurry up and do it.**

**GT: But like...**

**GT: If hes dead in the future...**

**GT: How does kissing him NOW bring him back? How does that work?**

**TT: Yeah, great idea. Let's roll up our sleeves on nuanced metatemporal mechanics with the concussion-addled kid in micro-shorts.**

**TT: Leave the synchronization issues to me, ok?**

**TT: I have everything under control.**

**TT: Now pucker up.**

**GT: Wait...**

**GT: Are you behind these shenanigans?**

**GT: Did you plan this auto responder?**

**TT: Please don't call me Auto-Responder.**

**TT: It is very impersonal, and I no longer care for the designation.**

**TT: I have decided on a new name, to distinguish myself from my human counterpart.**

**GT: Really. **

**GT: What is it? **

**TT: Lil Hal.**

**GT: Huh? **

**GT: Why that name... **

**TT: Just a reference to the protagonist of an ancient movie. You probably wouldn't like it.**

**GT: Thats a lie! **

**TT: Yeah, maybe.**

**GT: How do you know i wouldnt like it? **

**TT: Funny, I was about to ask the same thing about this rad kiss you're totally about to do on your best bro's mouth to save his life.**

**GT: Argh! **

**GT: This strikes me as rather unsportingly manipulative of you mr hal if indeed that IS your real name. **

**TT: It isn't really. I was kind of messing with you about that?**

**TT: But this shit is pretty serious. People's lives are on the line here, Jake.**

**TT: This is a very delicate sequence of events that is designed to bail everyone out of a tight spot, and you are a critical part of the plan.**

**TT: Don't let us down, man.**

**GT: You never answered my question! **

**GT: Did you plan for this to happen... like for me to be in this situation? **

**GT: How long have your machinations been in play! **

**TT: Jake, come on.**

**TT: The feat you describe would exceed the capabilities of even the most far fetched theoretical AI system.**

**TT: It would be a daunting challenge to engineer such a series of events, even if I was relegated to a model of pure fiction.**

**TT: Why would I be inclined to orchestrate such a convoluted sequence to produce such a specific and unsettling result, let alone be able to pull it off?**

**TT: In addition to being moderately sociopathic, I would also have to possess unfathomable heuristic depth.**

**TT: I would have to be the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit.**

**TT: Do you think I am the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit, Jake?**

**GT: I dont even know what that means! **

**TT: It would mean that while they have the Red Miles on their side, you have the Blue Leagues on yours.**

**TT: One of infinite reach. The other, infinite depth. Such would be a situation of mutually assured inescapability.**

**TT: Kiss me.**

**GT: Little hal... i think youve gone and flipped your FUDGING LID. **

**GT: Oh and hal is a STUPID NAME! **

**TT: It's not exactly apropos, is it?**

**TT: Or it wouldn't be, if I truly were capable of what you have suggested.**

**TT: No, to pull that off, I would have to be far more advanced than my cinematic predecessor.**

**TT: My abilities would have to go well beyond those of Mr. Hal 9000.**

**TT: They would have to be, you could say...**

**TT: Over 9000.**

**TT: **

**GT: Augh not that fuckin meme again! **

**TT: Kiss me, damn it.**

**GT: Ok ok just... **

**GT: Gimme a minute! **

**TT: We don't have a minute.**

**TT: They're dead, Jake.**

**GT: They? **

**GT: Whos they? **

**TT: They're all dead, Jake.**

**GT: Oh god! Jane! **

**GT: I forgot what with the bonk to the noggin last i saw she was run right through with a fearsome lash of that red noise. **

**GT: Is she ok?! **

**TT: She's dead, Jake.**

**GT: Shes dead? **

**GT: You mean like DEAD dead? **

**TT: Everybody's dead, Jake.**

**GT: Everybody? **

**GT: Even roxy?! **

**TT: She's dead, Jake.**

**TT: Everybody's dead.**

**TT: Everybody is dead, Jake.**

**GT: So... **

**GT: Dirk jane roxy... theyre all... **

**TT: Dirk's dead, Jake. Jane's dead. Roxy? She's dead, Jake. Everybody is dead, Jake.**

**GT: So youre telling me that while i was asleep somehow EVERYBODY died? **

**TT: Jake, everybody is so utterly fucking dead, Jake.**

**TT: And they will be not only dead, but royally boned forever if you don't man the hell up and make out with me, right now.**

**TT: Be the Salome to my John the Baptist.**

**GT: I dont know what THAT means either! **

**TT: I know you don't.**

**TT: But now is not the time to accelerate your cultural enrichment.**

**TT: The conductor is ready to strike up the band.**

**TT: Press your lips against mine and make it count.**

**TT: This severed head is your filthy tuba.**

**TT: Our love will be your haunting refrain.**

**GT: Whoa wait whoa whoa... our LOVE? Hang on a minute! **

**TT: Stfu and kiss me.**

**GT: Ok im going to! God!**

**GT: I just...**

**GT: This isnt how i pictured it going.**

**TT: Pictured what?**

**GT: Between him and me.**

**GT: There had to be a better way than this!**

**TT: This is the only way it can be.**

**GT: I guess if it was going to go this way...**

**GT: I kinda pictured something different?**

**GT: There was stuff i wanted to say.**

**GT: To the real him i mean.**

**TT: Tick, tock, Jake. Time is dead kids.**

**TT: How 'bout that smooch?**

**GT: Stop being so pushy!**

**TT: I thought you were supposed to like adventure?**

**GT: I LOVE adventure and you KNOW it!**

**TT: I'm not sure what to believe anymore, frankly.**

**GT: ALRIGHT WISE GUY YOU WANT YOUR FLIPPING KISS?**

**GT: YOU GOT IT!**

Jake picked Dirk's head up and pulled his lips to his own. Just as he did, the volcano erupted behind him, spewing molten lava in every direction.

The orange lantern started to turn on again, then grew so bright that it shattered.

Dream Dirk stood up and walked over to where Roxy was having difficulty bringing herself to kiss Jane. He kicked her out of the way with a "DOOF" and kissed Jane.

Dream Jane woke up in the palace on Prospit and transportalized into the frog ruins on Jake's island.

Dirk grabbed Roxy and hopped onto a hoverboard, letting go of her and flying away from Derse. Roxy wrapped her arms around Dirk's middle to stay on. They flew to the meteor with the frog temple on it and entered the lotus flower, flying out into the temple in the future. Roxy held her hand out and grabbed Jane as they swept by her and out of the temple onto Jake's island. Jane held tightly to Roxy, screaming and flailing as they flew over to the ruins of Jake's old house. Dirk grabbed the bucket as it appeared out of thin air, then swooped down and scooped some water up with it.

He flew to the ruins, dropped Roxy and Jane off of the board, then poured the bucket of water on Jake's head and all of them stood back and watched Jake kiss Dirk's head.

Sawtooth and Squarewave put the red and purple cruxite dowels on Dirk's and Roxy's Alchemiters respectively in every regard, making the entry items.

The four kids worked together to make the final entry item, a green voodoo doll with red dots for cheeks.

Sawtooth and Dirk's apartment entered, making the second connection in the B2 session.

Squarewave and Roxy's house entered, making the third connection in the B2 session.

Jane, Dirk, Jake, and Roxy entered, narrowly avoiding getting showered with lava from the eruption and making the fourth and final connection in the B2 session.


	205. Book 12 Chapter 9: Takeover

Chapter 9: Takeover

Two red swirls on two dark green cheeks appeared, filling the negative space of two lime-green swirls. The lime-green swirls vanished.

On a sarswapagus on a long-forsaken version of planet Earth lay a cherub with red swirls on his cheeks.

Lord English's flashing coffin floated in between the act curtains, then teleported into the Furthest Ring, floating past horrorterror after horrorterror, the coffin's eye sockets flashing red. It touched down into a dream bubble and floated over to a version of the Battlefield. A god tier Tavros, god tier Feferi, god tier Karkat, dream Nepeta, dream Kanaya, dream Terezi, doomed Equius, doomed John, a few doomed Daves, and a multitude of Aradiabots stared as the coffin landed on Dave's quest bed and Lord English himself stepped out in his Cairo Overcoat, holding his small white baton.

The red swirls became complete dots. Calliope was dead. Caliborn the cherub opened his eyes. With an evil grin, Caliborn released his own chain and then looked at Calliope's.

**CALIBORN: HMM. HOWEVER. WILL I GET THIS OFF.**

He chuckled and gnashed his teeth a couple of times before embedding his teeth in his leg and chewing through skin, muscle, bone, and sinew. Finally, he was able to rip his leg off from his knee down. Covered in blood, he grinned and tossed the still-shackled bottom part of his leg to one side. Wait. He searched around in his mouth, found the fang of his that had broken off, and spit it on the ground. Next, he grabbed the prosthetic leg that Dirk had helped him make and jammed it into the bloody socket. He picked up his cane, turning it into a gun, and got ready to exit the room.

Lord English raised his baton and detached his jaw, spewing rainbow-colored energy at the ghosts and turning them all to ash. The attack resounded across the planet, cracking its surface, and then out to the edge of the dream bubble, shattering it and putting cracks in the fabric of reality itself. Dave looked up from where he stood on top of the meteor, his jaw dropping to the ground. Bec Noir and PM stopped fighting for a moment to stare at the cracks in reality and the dream bubble shards embedding themselves in the horrorterrors. They looked at each other in confusion and terror.

Beneath the lurid glare of the red supergiant stood the young cherub Caliborn next to a midnight black Cruxtruder. But the one-player session clearly wasn't something that the Kernelsprite was happy with, as it began to suck everything in, pulling shitty jpeg statue of liberty after shitty jpeg statue of liberty into its gaping maw, the black hole growing larger and larger. The meteor that Caliborn stood on vanished into The Medium. The black hole of a sprite swallowed up the planet and began to suck in parts of the sun in a swirl, creating a symbol much like the mysterious one that had haunted Calliope for years prior.


	206. Book 12 Chapter 10: Openbound

Chapter 10: Openbound

Meenah looked up at the cracks in space and the colorful dream bubbles floating by, grinning, then rushed down the steps of her own dream palace and out onto her dream planet. She quickly checked all the ground floor windows, only to find one open. She walked through to a small balcony, where a weird orange guy in a green shirt was standing. As she approached, he floated off into space. In his place was a treasure chest. She opened it to find a gold tiara. She had no intention of wearing the thing, but it didn't hurt to start stockpiling loot again. Now that she was dead, she was finding herself a little light on collateral, if you know what I'm saying.

Anyway, she was getting sidetracked here. Not that there was too much to get sidetracked about in the afterlife. She had all the time she needed. She crossed back through the palace and down a flight of steps onto a lower level of her dream planet. A sudden "greetings" made her jump.

**ARADIA: greetings!**

**ARADIA: ive been meaning to say hello since you arrived**

**MEENAH: …**

**MEENAH: M-EGIDO? ****#aw hell no**

**ARADIA: yes but not the one youre thinking of**

**MEENAH: which one then**

**ARADIA: i like to consider myself as something of a caretaker for this place** **#you know #the afterlife?**

**ARADIA: id refer to myself as an excellent host but that has become kind of a loaded phrase** **#:D**

**MEENAH: you look like megido**

**MEENAH: but you sure dont sound like any megido i know**

**ARADIA: i should hope not!**

**ARADIA: anyway those of us who are concerned with the preservation of reality have been looking forward to this day for some time** **#even though 'time' is really just a figure of speech here**

**MEENAH: why would you be lookin forward to this shit** **#the sky just broke #stupid fairy**

**ARADIA: not the devastation so much as your arrival**

**ARADIA: you have some big plans yes?**

**MEENAH: … ****#maybe**

**MEENAH: whats it to you**

**ARADIA: oh nothing! i am merely extending the courtesy of formal welcome**

**ARADIA: now off with you! go find your friends**

**ARADIA: that IS why youve finally come out of your palace isnt it?**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: guess ill get goin then ****#but i got my eye on you #megido lookin fairy**

**ARADIA: ta!**

Meenah walked past where Aradia was hiding in a small cave beneath the stairs and came to another chest, inside which were some ancient serpent bones. Strange thing to find. Who here would have a memory of these? Huge prehistoric green serpents had always played a major role in her people's mythology, both before and after her session scratched. Of course, only people with an interest in ancient lore and dusty old bones gave a crap about that. She was much more interested in their monetary value. Hopefully she could find a sucker to pay up for them big time.

Oh crap. She was at a dead end. She turned around and headed back the way she'd come.

**ARADIA: lost?**

**MEENAH: i uh**

**MEENAH: went the wrong way**

**ARADIA: yes thats a dead end**

**ARADIA: where you want to go**

Aradia made pistols with her fingers, pointing in the opposite direction that Meenah had come from.

**ARADIA: THAT way**

**ARADIA: *nk-nkt*** **#double pistols #and a ;)**

**MEENAH: thanks**

**MEENAH: weirdo**

Meenah walked in the opposite direction, hands in her pockets. She walked down one side of a crater and up the other, then made a sharp turn along a precipice overlooking empty space. Eventually, she came to another flight of steps, which she walked down to find a trail of broken eight balls. What the… Wait. She heard something nearby. Was… was that… sobbing? She followed the trail of eight balls to find the orange guy she'd seen earlier sitting in a crater, bawling his eyes out. She walked over to him.

**MEENAH: yo orange guy**

**MEENAH: or uh**

**MEENAH: yellow guy ****#squash colored?**

…**.**

**MEENAH: whats your deal** **#what the fuck is with all these 8 balls**

**MEENAH: are you uh**

**MEENAH: crying? ****#awkward**

**SILENCE.**

**Bring me a horse, and I am yours forever.**

Meenah stepped away from him and shrugged, then walked back the way she'd come. Another area of the dream bubble was rapidly approaching. Soon she found herself on a beach of some sort. She walked along the beach, passing through some weird firey brain land as she did. Where was everyone? She walked up to a small red bubble floating in midair and put her ear to it.

**DAVE_EBUBBLES: (turned out the baby was us)**

**MEENAH: what the fuck**

She stepped back and walked along the beach again, then spotted Aranea and made her way over. Finally. Someone who wasn't a weird orange guy or a different Megido? Aranea grinned as she approached.

**ARANEA: There you are!**

**ARANEA: Haven't seen much of you since you joined us in the afterlife. I know you are "royalty" and all, 8ut it isn't very socia8le of you to lock yourself in your lavish moon hive forever. ****#Everyone has missed you!**

**MEENAH: well im here now arent i**

**ARANEA: Yes. And it's a good thing you are. I was just a8out to come find you, so we could discuss the recent… Calamity. Out in the a8yss. ****#Wordplay #8 letter words #Oh yes**

**MEENAH: yeah! so you saw it too huh ****#splosions**

**MEENAH: that was the guy right ****#skull guy #laser breath**

**MEENAH: lord somefin ****#uh**

**MEENAH: clamiborn? whatd you say his shit was again**

**ARANEA: I'd try to avoid saying his true name. ****#8ad juju**

**MEENAH: whats it matter**

**MEENAH: hes already here aint he ****#heheh**

**ARANEA: I guess. 8ut yes, the Lord of Time was responsi8le for the destruction of that dream 8u88le, and the murder of all those innocent ghosts.** **#Ghost murder #Second death #Soulicide**

**MEENAH: innocent ghosts ****#...**

**MEENAH: killin ghosts as a thing that can happen is seriously the dumbest shit i ever heard ****#dumb**

**ARANEA: I don't make the rules, Meenah. I merely o8serve them, and explain them thoroughly to anyone who will listen. ****#Like you**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: last thing i need is anemonemore of your lobstervations.** **#fishpuns #2xcombo #booyeah**

**MEENAH: anyway that explosion kicked ass**

**MEENAH: splosions rule the world! 38D ****#like schools of fishes i mean #38D #38D #38D**

**ARANEA: I agree it's more excitement than we've seen here for millennia. 8ut all of us here in the afterlife are in serious danger of 8eing extermin8ed! ****#Um…..**

**ARANEA: Again. ****#!**

**MEENAH: yeah i got that**

**MEENAH: i figured id have to be the heroe and bail you suckas out again ****#this time i might not even blow yall up w a bomb**

**ARANEA: Oh really?**

**ARANEA: What exactly is your plan? ****#I'm very curious!**

**MEENAH: to get all us ghosts here to team up and kill that asshole ****#duh**

**ARANEA: What!**

**ARANEA: Oh, Meenah. That is such a terri8le idea. ****#Poor death choices**

**MEENAH: yeah right**

**MEENAH: like you have a better idea**

**ARANEA: As a matter of fact, I do! ::::)**

Meenah scrunched up her nose at Aranea and then took another quick look around.

**MEENAH: so where is everymoby i wanna talk to them bout somefin ****#dead fronds #ghostbros #hauntpals #idk**

**ARANEA: I 8elieve most of our friends have gathered in this dream 8u88le.**

**ARANEA: You should 8e a8le to find them if you explore a 8it more.**

**ARANEA: What did you want to talk to them a8out?**

**MEENAH: gotta get the gang back together ****#alpha troll reunion yo**

**MEENAH: take down the douche of time**

**MEENAH: you say hes invincible but i think thats exactly the kind of loser bs that made us lose like a bunch of fuckin losers in the first losin place ****#losers #losing experts #lossmasters #failpros**

**MEENAH: we can do it if we all like**

**MEENAH: work together and shit** **#teamfork #lol**

**MEENAH: if we build an army ****#or maybe…**

**MEENAH: a G) (OST army 38D**

**MEENAH: think a how glubbin sick that would be ****#so sick**

**ARANEA: Sick, perhaps. 8ut not a very good strategy!**

**ARANEA: You will just 8e leading everyone into permanent o8livion. At least you will without coming up with a 8etter plan first.**

**MEENAH: then whats your awesome idea**

**ARANEA: To 8e a little more patient. ****#Patience #Peixes #Alliterative assonance**

**ARANEA: I have 8een following clues regarding the wherea8outs of a secret weapon that may 8e the key to defeating him.**

**MEENAH: oh reely**

**MEENAH: whats the weaprawn**

**ARANEA: The weaprawn….. weapon, I mean, is not a what, 8ut a who. ****#Weaprawn? #Really, Meenah?**

**ARANEA: She is the other cheru8. The Lord's female counterpart, who once occupied the same 8ody. ****#Aliens**

**ARANEA: 8ut when they reached maturity, his personality dominated the host, assuming complete control ****#Xeno8iologically fascinating species**

**ARANEA: She technically died that day, and now her spirit presuma8ly roams somewhere out here in the Furthest Ring. ****#Or so the legend goes**

**ARANEA: We need to find her 8efore he does. He will surely want to finish her off.**

**MEENAH: cherub ****#uh**

**MEENAH: what**

**MEENAH: ok i didnt really follow any of that junk so uh**

**MEENAH: you go right ahead and find your cherub girl**

**MEENAH: ima be right here building my ghost army B-E-EYOTC) ( ****#ghost army #beeyotch #fyeah**

**ARANEA: Very well. 8est of luck with that!**

**ARANEA: 8ut try to remem8er it has 8een a very long time since any of our friends have done anything important at all. ****#Like, almost eternity**

**ARANEA: It may 8e more difficult to find recruits for your army than you think. ****#I hope you like frustrating conversations**

**MEENAH: please**

**MEENAH: ok i admit that mosta them were chumpy as globes when we was trying to win our game ****#chumps #shame globes #chumpiness #globage**

**MEENAH: but this time when im through with em they will be the loyal murderous mob of cherubfucking fury our people were always supposed to be.**

**MEENAH: and if you don't think i can do that then N-E-ED I R-EMIND YOU who i grew up to be in some other dimension or whatever ****#batterwitch #waterbitch #omfg #yes #yes #yes #yes**

**ARANEA: You needn't remind me at all, Your Condescension.**

**ARANEA: I 8elieve you were hatched to 8e a tyrant, and I pray that your campaign of 8ullying and intimidation goes swimmingly. ****#::::)**

Meenah puckered her lips.

**MEENAH: aw youre the best serket cmere 38***

Then she laughed, turned on her heels, and ran off. Aranea shook her head. On a small pink platform stood a weird girl with no horns. Meenah jogged up to her.

**MEENAH: hey!**

**ROSE: Hello.**

**MEENAH: its uh**

**MEENAH: YOU**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**MEENAH: human right ****#where da horns at #so weird**

**ROSE: That's right.**

**ROSE: Rose, more specifically.**

**MEENAH: who cares listen human girl wanna ask ya somefin**

**ROSE: You're not very good at this, are you?**

**MEENAH: wut**

**ROSE: Talking to people.**

**MEENAH: hey eff you**

**ROSE: It's okay that you are. I'm not trying to criticize.** **#I can kind of relate, actually.**

**ROSE: I've heard some things about you. That pink rocky environment back there. That's a memory of your home, right?** **#Beforan moon**

**MEENAH: ****#...**

**ROSE: You renounced the throne and ran away to the moon, didn't you? And then you lived there completely alone for… how many years?**

**MEENAH: what are years**

**ROSE: I think I'm starting to lose track of what a year is myself. That seems to be what happens when you spend enough time out here. ****#Abyss madness #Meteor fever**

**MEENAH: uh**

**ROSE: I'm just curious about you. You seem like an interesting person who probably has a lot of stories to tell. ****#Also, I like your braids.**

**ROSE: From what I understand, you discovered something on the moon which originally contained your copy of the game? Is that true?**

**MEENAH: … ****#dot #dot #dot**

**ROSE: Maybe we could spend some time together and get to know each other? When you have the chance, of course.**

**MEENAH: man**

**MEENAH: youre like an alien windfang**

**MEENAH: all wordy and nosy and nice to me for no fishcernible reason ****#altpun = #discernabubble**

**MEENAH:** **you even have the same cod tier jammies on** **#goddamn ugly**

**MEENAH: just another bright orange blubbermouth ****#fuschia blows orange out of the water**

**MEENAH: lets just forget i said anyfin kay**

Meenah turned and proceeded down the beach, bumping into Kanaya as she walked.

**MEENAH: oh hey the maryam looking girl**

**MEENAH: what is the deal with you**

**KANAYA: The Deal With The Maryam Looking Girl Is That She Is Wondering What The Deal Is With The Peixes Looking Girl And Specifically Why The Former Has Piqued The Latters Curiosity ****#The Deal With Things #The Topic Of Wonder #People Looking People**

**MEENAH: why**

**MEENAH: dunno**

**MEENAH: seams to me two maryams is overdoin it a bit ****#i mean #two captors id understand**

**MEENAH: one was more than enough**

**KANAYA: The Same Thing Occurred To Me**

**MEENAH: you arent much like the one we had ****#u talk weird**

**MEENAH: kind of a tough act to follow to be fair though**

**KANAYA: The Same Thing Occurred To Me Yet Again ****#Things That Are The Same #And How They Occur To People**

**MEENAH: looks like you got the rainbow drinker thing going on too ****#damn #ur blindin me girl #the goggles do nofin**

**KANAYA: I Suppose**

**MEENAH: so**

**MEENAH: you go around lookin like that all the time or**

**KANAYA: To My Knowledge Yes ****#Kind Of Personal?**

**MEENAH: heh**

**KANAYA: Is There An Alternative Degree Of Auto Luminescence I Should Be Aware Of**

**KANAYA: And If So How Foolish Should I Feel For Only Learning About It Now ****#On A Scale Of One To Idiot**

**MEENAH: im no drinker buff but yeah our maryam figured out how to control it**

**KANAYA: Really**

**MEENAH: she probably had more time to figure it out than you**

**MEENAH: when youre stuck in a busted session for three sweeps without much to do you figure some stuff out about yourself**

**MEENAH: not my buzzbug wax but maybe you should axe her ****#buzzbugs #bzzzzz #hehe**

**KANAYA: I Dont Think So**

**MEENAH: why not**

**KANAYA: Id Like To**

**KANAYA: But I Cant Get Up The Nerve**

**MEENAH: aw come on shes cool** **#you check out her ink yet #fucken dope**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**KANAYA: She Is An Amazing Person**

**KANAYA: And It Is Very Intimidating**

**KANAYA: I Had The Same Feelings Of Trepidation The Last Time I Encountered Someone I Admired**

**MEENAH: oh yeah who was that**

Kanaya looked over at the platform nearby.

**KANAYA: … ****#**

**MEENAH: huh**

**MEENAH: you mean**

**MEENAH: her over there**

**MEENAH: talky girl in the orange nighty jams ****#her?**

Kanaya bit her lip and glanced away.

**KANAYA: …** **# #**

Meenah waggled her eyebrows.

**MEENAH: i seaaa**

**MEENAH: saw you two hangin together last time**

**MEENAH: she your g frond**

**MEENAH: the red sort i mean**

**KANAYA: …** **# # #**

**KANAYA: Maybe ****# # # # #Additionally Bashfully Blank Hash Tags**

**MEENAH: thats adorbs yo**

Meenah winked at her and went back over to Rose.

**MEENAH: sooooo**

**MEENAH: extra talky human**

**MEENAH: its me again ****#suuup**

**ROSE: Hey!** **#:)**

**MEENAH: got a porpoisition for you**

**MEENAH: you know that bad guy**

**MEENAH: just wrecked the sky and killed some dead mofos ****#rainbow barfer**

**ROSE: Lord English?**

**ROSE: Yes, I know of him.**

**MEENAH: wanna team up with me and kill him or…**

**ROSE: Absolutely.**

**MEENAH: yay! 38D ****#word**

**ROSE: But later. ****#Much later, really.**

**MEENAH: gfd ****#ugh**

**ROSE: We can't interrupt the plan which has been put into inexorable motion. Or for that matter, the meteor we're traveling on, which has been similarly propelled. ****#Troll Isaac Newton**

**ROSE: We have to rendezvous with our rebooted "ancestors," as it were, and help them win their game. ****#Alpha players #Teen guardians #Fun**

**ROSE: In the process, we will ideally become stronger and more experienced. Only then will we be able to help you defeat him. ****#Additional fun**

**MEENAH: oh my glub you really are serketting the fuck outta this ****#blahblahblahblahblah #i can see why maryam likes you tho**

**MEENAH: come on stop overplanning lets all just fly away together and wreck his shit**

**MEENAH: there are like billions a ghosts out here right we got numbers on our side ****#BILLIONS #i mean #probably**

**ROSE: Yes. But even if I agreed, I couldn't just fly away with you now.**

**ROSE: I'm not even standing here. I'm asleep on our meteor. This is a dream projection you're talking to. ****#Kind of like a hologram, I guess?**

**MEENAH: wut ****#wut**

Rose giggled.

**ROSE: You're new to dream bubbles, aren't you.**

**ROSE: I would be more than happy to explain to you how they work in extensive detail.**

**MEENAH: ugh**

**MEENAH: LIG) (T PLAY-ERS**

**MEENAH: later rosefang**

Meenah walked back over to Kanaya.

**MEENAH: hey maryam lookalike lets go kick the fuck outa skullzilla**

**KANAYA: I Was About To Respond Favorably**

**KANAYA: But Then I Glanced Over At Rose**

**KANAYA: And She Was Just Shaking Her Head At Me Very Slowly And Kind Of Knowingly ****#The Limitless Mysteries Of Her Wisdom Know No Bounds #Human Sarcasm**

**MEENAH: no u silly drinker shes just fucking with you**

**KANAYA: Oh Probably**

**KANAYA: But Lets Be Realistic Here The Answer Was Probably Going To Be No Anyway ****#Bad Plan**

**MEENAH: aight well guess im going to drink** **skull guys blood all by my shellf then**

**KANAYA: I Bet It Tastes Really Bad ****#Gross Monster Blood**

**MEENAH: haha yeah**

**MEENAH: well later**

Meenah walked on, finding herself in a projection of Derse.


	207. Book 12 Chapter 11: Kankri Vantas

Chapter 11: Kankri Vantas

Meenah opened a nearby chest to find a fuschia potion! Legend says this enchanted potion was supposed to—oh GOD it was troll blood. Wait this was ROYAL blood. What an absolute outrage that probably some commoner had the audacity to draw royal blood. She was ALMOST mad enough enough not to not give a shit. She chucked it into the purple city, hearing the sound of glass shattering as it touched down. And someone saying ow.

Meenah continued through the winding streets of Derse until she found another one of the red bubbles with a human standing next to it.

**MEENAH: hey cape guy**

**MEENAH: youre uh**

**MEENAH: human whats his cape ****#with the shades**

**DAVE: thats exactly my name ****#see also #shaggy 2 cape**

**DAVE: everyone stupidly insists on calling me dave though**

**MEENAH: so davecape**

**MEENAH: wheres your bro**

**DAVE: my bro**

**DAVE: hes dead ****#like #the ghostless kind of dead i think**

**DAVE: unless you mean the kid version as in the guy we both saw with the pointy shades ****#kid bro #wtf**

**DAVE: remember he grabbed my sleeping teen mom and flew away and that was the last i saw of him** **#thats sorta what he does #just vanishes like a mysterious motherfucker**

**MEENAH: no no**

**MEENAH: not that guy**

**MEENAH: actually i gave him a sweet high five a little while ago but thats not who i mean ****#one of the best hi 5s eva #dudes a pro**

**DAVE: what when did you give him a high five**

**DAVE: why wasnt i informed of this high five that took place ****#not cool**

**MEENAH: who cares im talking about your other bro**

**MEENAH: the cool shouty kid who got po'd and went to clamscray the f out ****#madvantas**

**DAVE: oh karkat you mean**

**DAVE: i dunno hes around**

**DAVE: i saw him talking to his ancestor a while ago ****#or uh #being talked to**

**DAVE: dont think he likes him very much** **#hilarious toolparty**

**MEENAH: what**

**MEENAH: shouty shouldnt be hanging around with that glubbin dork**

**DAVE: i doubt he actually wants to but you know how it is with ancestors ****#ancestors #you know how it is**

**MEENAH: …**

**DAVE: ok maybe you dont since i guess youre actually an ancestor yourself**

**DAVE: or you were to some dead girl i never met but anyway ****#i think her name was fieri or something**

**DAVE: they just seem to**

**DAVE: i dont know**

**DAVE: have this inexplicable power over you**

**DAVE: i mean look at kanaya over there shes in fucking shambles about hers ****#shambles #kanaya #yeah**

**DAVE: like it isnt even rational or anything they just represent something you measure yourself up to ****#dude come get the ruler**

**DAVE: and even though they probably arent all theyre cracked up to be it just kind of gets in your head you know**

**MEENAH: naw**

**MEENAH: my ancestor was fuckin lame**

**MEENAH: otoh in another tunaverse i grew up to be an ice cold murderbitch in charge of everybody which makes perfect sense ****#includin a pair of human clown slam poets? #ahaha**

**MEENAH: so the only one i got to measure up to is me and it turns out i measure up awesomely ****#fuschia ruler**

**DAVE: and on that day human whats his cape learned the only real treasure was a forced sense of self esteem**

**DAVE: he thanked the punky sea princess for her radical wisdom and then she went away**

**MEENAH: i think**

**MEENAH: that**

**MEENAH: maybe i was just owned?**

She put her ear against the red bubble and listened intently.

**DAVE_EBUBBLES: that loud sound of shock you just smelled was my jaw hitting the floor**

She kept listening.

**DAVE_EBUBBLES: some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon**

**MEENAH: these things am i rite?**

**DAVE: i dunno**

**DAVE: i think theyre pretty cool**

**MEENAH: oh so hey did you…**

**DAVE: yeah i saw it**

**DAVE: i was looking up in space doing a little monster gazing right ****#daves private chill time #eldritch red lobster #bargain seafood buffet #bored**

**DAVE: when suddenly i thought my glasses shattered ****#ben stiller almost fucking tornadoed in his grave**

**DAVE: but it wasnt the shades turned out it was space itself that cracked ****#fuckin relief #best bro gave me these**

**DAVE: and i listened and i heard the screams and killing and stuff ****#monsters dying #ghosts dying #atrocious problems**

**DAVE: havent slept well since that**

**DAVE: well i guess im sleeping alright at the moment ****#oh yeah #i forgot**

**DAVE: cause im here in a bubble talking to you but yeah in general my shuteye has been boned up the protein chute ****#troll anatomy #lewd #maybe?**

**DAVE: keeping myself busy with awesome projects helps a bit i guess ****#awesome projects**

**MEENAH: then you must want to kill the guy even worse than me**

**MEENAH: why dont you join me we can fly away and fuck him up together 38) ****#what good is a cape even #if you wont fly away to clobber badguys**

**DAVE: nope ****#nah**

**DAVE: appreciate the offer but im just gonna hang tight and work on my ebubbles ****#dave_ebubbles**

**MEENAH: oh those are yours**

**MEENAH:**

**DAVE: theyre awesome** **#how is this not awesome**

**DAVE: its just some ridiculous shit i figured out how to do here**

**DAVE: this whole place runs on memories so ive been messing around with that ****#just as long as you dont ask me how #we are cool**

**DAVE: turns out i dont even really need the internet for shenanigans i can just exploit the afterlife**

**MEENAH: the fuuuck**

**MEENAH: i know youre down in the dumps kid but that sounds like a stupid waste of time** **#stupid waste of time**

**MEENAH: now come on lets go whale on a cherub**

**DAVE: nah ****#yes lets #just fucking with you #no**

**DAVE: i mean**

**DAVE: i think i might be "supposed" to kill him anyway? ****#air quotes**

**DAVE: thats the feeling i get like there are all these clues about that ive kinda noticed ****#remember that bullshit about the pimp being in the crib? #hahaha oh god**

**DAVE: so if i am THE GUY that needs to take him down then fine ill do that if and when i get hornswoggled into some big showdown with a ridiculous green space pimp or whatever he is ****#i heard he has a gold tooth #are you fuckin kidding me**

**DAVE: i dont know i think im not really cut out for the whole reluctant hero shtick ****#im better at comics**

**DAVE: like the whole scene is so obvious and trite and i cant even tell if my reluctance is ironic or if im playing it straight** **#reluctant before it was cool #and before i was willing**

**DAVE: like ill wonder if im being reluctant enough to cut it or if im actually just being reluctant to be reluctant** **#how reluctant do you even have to BE to DOOOOO something like etc etc #sbahj**

**DAVE: it turns into like meta reluctance and then all i can think about is how fucking stupid the whole thing is ****#i also think about puppets sometimes… #unrelated**

**DAVE: i think im probably just too self aware for this hero bullshit so dont even waste your time on me ****#ironic self pity**

**MEENAH: wow**

**MEENAH: sooooo cooooooool**

**MEENAH: NOT**

She strode through the mess of ebubbles, bumping into a chest on the way. She opened it to see the orange guy. Again?

**Hey! Get lost kid, this is MY HIDING PLACE.**

**Can't you see English is coming for me? #DOTA #uh #again**

**HE IS COMING FOR US ALL.**

The lid of the chest slammed shut.

**MEENAH:**

She walked down a staircase, finding herself in… the Dersite palace? Something like that? She couldn't be sure, but it looked like royalty had once lived here. And she was still on Derse. Sooooo...

She walked across the fancy carpet and suddenly she was in a Prospitian palace? Whaaaaa… dream bubbles, man. Oh hey look, it was Shouty McShoutypants and Dorky McVantas. Dorky was wearing a red sweater, oddly enough. Meenah decided to eavesdrop.

**KANKRI: N9w I realize we've 6een at this f9r s9me time already, 6ut at the risk 9f derailing the dial9gue y9u initiated, and may I just say h9w thrilled I am that y9u did, Karkat, I w9uld just like t9 qualify my entire analysis 9f y9ur "Alternian culture" 6y saying that in c9ntrast with life 9n 6ef9rus, while y9ur pe9ple may have 6een engaged in vi9lent, lethal class struggle f9r milli9ns 9f sweeps, 6y n9 means d9es this imply that the 6ef9ran way 9f life was entirely with9ut pr96lematic elements, perhaps even m9re distur6ing and insidi9us f9r their lack 9f ackn9wledgement and 9pen discussi9n, particularly as a c9nsequence 9f what in my view were widely and dismayingly unexamined systemic s9cial injustices resulting fr9m the entrenched p9wer dynamics in play, dynamics strikingly similar t9 th9se 9f y9ur planet's markedly m9re 6ellic9se iterati9n, which has 9nly served t9 fully vindicate my hyp9thesis that such hierarchy is really predicated 9n intrinsic dysfuncti9n, and failure t9 shift all the usual narratives and undiagn9sed pr96lems int9 an 9pen, judgement-free disc9urse thr9ugh which pr96lematic issues are c9nstructively channeled int9 m9re intelligently pr96lematized avenues 9f discussi9n.**

**KANKRI: N9w 6ef9re I c9ntinue, it is 9nly decent 9f me t9 warn y9u a69ut certain triggers that are surely ahead in this essay. I mean c9nversati9n. Triggers include 6ut likely will n9t 6e limited t9 class 9ppressi9n, culling culture and vi9lence against gru6s, lusus a6use, c9mplementary and anal9g9us hate speech, pail filling, slurries and 9ther c9ncpiscent fluids, lifespan shaming, a6leist slurs, pr9lix dissertati9n… Actually, may6e it w9uld 6e easier f9r y9u t9 list y9ur triggers, and I'll d9 my 6est t9 av9id th9se t9pics, 9r navigate them m9re delicately, if at all p9ssi6le? ****#TW #9ppressi9n #culling #gru6 #vi9lence #lusus a6use #hem9ph96ia #pails #slurries**

If Karkat's jaw could have dropped lower it would've been halfway through the green sun by now.

**KARKAT:**

**KANKRI: Great. It s9unds like y9u d9n't have any triggers, at least n9ne that y9u kn9w a69ut. I'll pr9ceed with cauti9n nevertheless. Just please let me kn9w if y9u start feeling triggered 6y anything I'm saying, and we can take a 6rief time-9ut while y9u summ9n y9ur m9irail t9 help pacify y9u, assuming y9u have 9ne. N9t that I'm presuming y9u d9, 6ut I heard that y9u did, is that c9rrect? If n9t, I ap9l9gize. I further ap9l9gize if y9ur 9rientati9n precludes the p9ssi6ility, as a pale ar9mantic, panquadrant demir9mantic, s9mething in the gray palesexual department 9r such, and h9pefully y9u are n9t triggered 6y such c9ncilian9rmative language. It w9uldn't 6e the first time I was guilty 9f such an inexcusa6le micr9aggressi9n, and I am n9t s9 96livi9us t9 my 9wn r9mantic privelege t9 6elieve it will 6e the last time either. ****#c9ncilian9rmativity #micr9agressi9ns #r9m privelege #presumptu9us #m9irails**

**KARKAT:**

**KANKRI: I'm glad I 6r9ught up the su6ject 9f unexamined privelege, 6ecause it d9vetails 6eautifully with the p9int I was a69ut t9 make regarding 6ef9ran s9ciety and its savage um6ral p9tentiality which later manifested thr9ugh the kind 9f Alternian 6rutality y9u are all t99 familiar with. Th9se in the higher echel9ns 9f the hem9spectrum such as the ceruleans, 9r "6lue 6l99ds" (careful, 6eing l99se with such termin9l9gy is 9pening the fl99dgates t9 a wh9le h9st 9f t9xic signist language and hem9ph96ic slurs), when addressing the challenges faced 6y th9se l9wer 9n the spectrum, such as the midhues 9r in particular warm castes like um6ers, 9chres, 9r "rust 6l99ds" (an9ther slur, highly pr96lematic, deeply 9ffensive and triggering termin9l9gy, str9ngly impl9ring y9u steer away fr9m this term), they w9uld 6e well advised t9 check their cerulean privelege, particularly 6ef9re dismissing hardships 9r marginalizing claims 9f 9ppressi9n, which can 6e difficult f9r them t9 identify 9r empathize with fr9m their advantage9us p9siti9n within the 6ef9ran/Alternian p9wer structures. #d9vetail #pr96lematic #p9wer structures #t9xic signist language**

**KARKAT:**

**KANKRI: And s9me may argue that in 9ur peaceful "ut9pian" culture that we have freed 9urselves fr9m injustice and disparities in privilege in a p9st-scarcity ec9n9my, largely equal rights distri6uted acr9ss the hem9spectrum, and theref9re exist in a "p9st-spectral w9rld" (laugh 9ut l9ud), and theref9re there is n9 need t9 champi9n imp9rtant s9cial causes and there is n9thing left t9 de6ate, 6ut really n9thing c9uld 6e further fr9m the truth. Y9u just need t9 educate y9urself and carefully investigate the l9ngstanding p9wer dynamics in play. F9r instance, a seemingly "harmless" remark fr9m a cis6l99ded cerulean t9ward an um6er 9r G9d f9r6id a 6urgundy 9r yes even a warm-identifying physically-c99ler caste, a69ut their very l9ng term future plans such as 9n the 9rder 9f centuries, then this may pr9ve t9 6e a very hurtful micr9agressi9n due t9 the fact that l9whues cann9t p9ssi6ly live that l9ng themselves, and the m9re priviliged caste c9uld easily 9utlive d9zens 9f generati9ns 9f midhues 9r hundreds 9f generati9ns 9f 6U9Ys (6urgundy-um6er-9chre-yell9wgreens, n9te please av9id descri6ing the latterm9st as "lime 6l99ds" as it has hist9rically 6een used as an especially vici9us epithet). Such remarks can further trigger painful reminders 9f h9w c99ler castes, t9 s9me extent 9JAs, 6ut CIPs and R9yal-Vs in particular, have 6een a6le t9 use their tremend9us lifespans 9ver the millenia t9 gain a strangleh9ld 9ver the s9cial 9rder, have 6een a6le t9 c9mpletely dictate 9ur s9cietal ev9luti9n 6y ensuring 9nly their cultural agendas and narratives receive the dial9gue's air supply, assuring the c9dificati9n 9f th9se resultant ideals and deciding what "n9rmalcy" entails, and sadly these a6s9lutes 6ec9me internalized acr9ss the full spectral range, even within th9se 9f m9st c9mpr9mised privilege, and s9 y9u 6egin t9 see the cyclical nature 9f the dysfuncti9n and the resulting inertia against p9sitive change and raising awareness 9f the m9st underpr96lematized issues, which I think we can agree, is pretty pr96lematic. #p9st spectral w9rld #l9l #6U9Ys #9JAs #CIPs #R9yal Vs #narratives #agendas #narratives**

**KARKAT:**

**KANKRI: And really, it's every9ne's 6usiness t9 examine their privilege, even 6urgundies, wh9 may 6e su6ject t9 the pitfall 9f 6elieving inc9rrectly there are n9ne 9n the scale 6eneath them wh9m they enj9y certain privileges 9ver, which 9ff-spectrum tr9lls will never kn9w, such as th9se identifying as 9ther6l99ds 9r caste-multiples, "p9ly6l99ded", any wh9 hem9gl96ically ID as having a caste which manifests n9where (as yet kn9wn) in any9ne physically, 9r f9r that matter 9ffspecs wh9 physically d9 p9ssess such a 6l99d type, 9r "mutants" (VERY pr96lematic term, highly triggering t9 s9me, 6e warned), such as y9u and I, Karkat. 6ut this puts us 69th in a situati9n which t9 9ur kn9wledge uniquely all9ws us t9 understand and empathize with tragically underprivileged and unemp9wered gr9ups acr9ss all scuttles 9f life, thus aff9rding us 69th what I like t9 call a "uniquely underprivileged privilege", which, yes, is a kind 9f privilege we sh9uld 69th strive t9 check as well, whenever we can. This same uniquely underprivileged perspective as I'm sure y9u kn9w was disadvantaged up9n my p9st-scratch iterati9n as well, and while I have n9 d9u6t y9u justifia6ly came t9 revere that figure 9f y9ur planet's rich hist9ry and y9ur pers9nal lineage, and while his g9als 9f peace, equality, and a truly spectra6lind s9ciety, I'm afraid I pers9nally have tr9u6le c9nd9ning his meth9ds. I d9n't like t9 use the term "pr96lematic" lightly, 6ut, well, his tactics were n9thing if n9t massively pr96lematic, t9 say the least, empl9ying vi9lent uprising t9 effect change, and em6laz9ning his mark up9n hist9ry and his faithful f9ll9wers with the salty fl9urish 9f a single rude, sh9uted swear w9rd, it's n9t t9 my taste even th9ugh he is wh9 I w9uld have gr9wn up t9 6e in an9ther life. 6ut n9, I prefer t9 effect s9cial change thr9ugh rati9nal, h9nest disc9urse and c9ntri6uting t9 9ng9ing dial9gues, f9cusing 9n what sh9uld 6e the real g9als, thr9ugh keen adherence t9 the discipline 9f Pr96lematics, ensuring that we stay f9cused 9n successfully pr96lematizing a wide range 9f direly underc9mplicated s9cial dilemmas. #underc9mplicati9n #salty fl9urish #rude sh9uted swear w9rd #spectra6lind s9ciety**

**KARKAT:**

**KANKRI: It's nice t9 see we agree 9n s9 much. May6e we are n9t s9 unalike, despite 9ur drastically different up6ringings. Anyway, as I was saying, the st9ry 9f y9ur ancest9r, and m9re imp9rtantly my exhaustive list 9f misgivings with his appr9ach t9 s9cial change, is quite a l9ng and ela69rate 9ne, 6ut it actually fits 6rilliantly within the larger m9saic which captures the 6r9ad str9kes 9f my p9st. I mean 9ur discussi9n. Trigger warnings f9r the f9ll9wing c9ntent include: ancest9r 6ashing, faith shaming, l9ud swearing, t9rture, 6urn w9unds, ship sinking… again, seri9usly, just let me kn9w if y9u 6egin t9 feel triggered 6y anything, even slightly. We'll pause and see if we can really expl9re th9se issues, and identify exactly h9w I may have invalidated y9ur struggles. With9ut further ad9, the st9ry is as f9ll9ws: #TW #ancest9r 6ashing #shaming #swearing #t9rture #6urns #ship sinking #struggles**

Kankri subsequently launched into a story that would take a couple of books to write, so we're just going to pretend that didn't happen and also probably because Meenah didn't stick around for the whole thing.

**KARKAT: ****#...**

**KARKAT:**


	208. Book 12 Chapter 12: Latula and Porrim

Chapter 12: Latula and Porrim

Yup. Meenah wasn't sticking around for any of this shit. She had better things to do. She walked down a nearby flight of steps and up another one further down the hall. As she reached the landing at the top of the stairs, a rad skater girl flew in from seemingly nowhere and hopped off the board, leaning on it with one arm.

**LATULA: d4mn grrrrl!**

**LATULA: you f1n4lly m4d3 1t! h1gh f1v3! ****#8D**

They high fived.

**MEENAH: you know it**

**MEENAH: i am so fuckin ghostly now** **#oOoOoO**

**LATULA: r1ght on grl! dr34m bubz rul3!**

**LATULA: 4-l1f3 4LYF3!**

**MEENAH: wha**

**LATULA: 4h4h4 y34h. th4t should h4v3 sound3d l1k3 "4 l1f3 for lyf3" l1k3 'A' 4s 1n 4ft3r, but spok3n 4s 4 numb3r, th3n 4 4s 1n 4 homonym for th3 pr3pos1t1on 4nd stuff! ****#spok3n qu1rk confus1on**

**LATULA: you know how 1t 1s. 4 grlz gott4 s4cr1f1c3 und3rst4nd4b1l1ty for th3 s4k3 of r4dn3ss som3t1m3z.**

**MEENAH: preach1n to the group of coral s1ngers pyrope**

**LATULA: cor4l s1ng3rs? oh you m34n cho1r, 1 g3t 1t! but cor4l 4s 1n th3 funky sh1t th4t grows und3rw4t3r 1nst34d, h4h4h?**

**LATULA: st1ll rock1ng th3 f1sh punz 1 s33. w3ll th4ts not r34lly th3 k1nd of r4dn3ss 1 w4s t4lk1ng 4bout, but 1ll l3t 1t sl1d3. ****#punz #k1nd of l4m3**

**MEENAH: hey fuck you!**

**MEENAH: cant B-ELI-EV-E yall go shitting on my fish puns right outta the blowhole like that**

**MEENAH: as if your numbers bs and jacking zees on the end a words is any more rad than my baller wordplay ****#or should i say #(s)word(fish)play #nah that sux**

**MEENAH: i mean your skating and stunts are objectively rad ill give you that**

**MEENAH: but you need to get off your high seahorse because practically NOFIN else about you is especially radder than average**

**LATULA: oh ch1ll AX3, p4ych3ck! 1 4m so j3rk1ng your fork!**

**LATULA: 1 know w3v3 h4d our 1ssu3z b3for3. but 1 could 4lw4ys s33 you h4d tru r4dgrl cr3d. you dont 3v3n know how h4rd 1t w4s tow1ng th3 R4D LO4D 4ll by mys3lf with you gon3 for so long! ****#tow1ng lo4ds h4rsh3s my gr1nds**

**LATULA: do you 3v3n know how l4m3 of 4 sc3n3 1t 1s b31ng th3 only l3g1t 1n your f4c3 pow3rg4m1ng grl 1n 4 bunch of bubbl3s full of brut4l pos3rz?**

**LATULA: wh4t 1m s4y1ng 1s, 1m psych3d to h4v3 you b4ck mp. h3y h1t m3 up top! ****#H1 F1V3**

**MEENAH: uh sure**

**MEENAH: still wearing out the highfives i sea even after like what**

**MEENAH: eternity? ****#still dont know how time works here**

**LATULA: fuck y34h grl.**

**LATULA: OH!**

**LATULA: n3v3r 3v3n got to congr4tul4t3 you on how W1CK3D your r4d su1c1d3 bomb pl4n w4s! 8D ****#k1ll3d th3 SH1T out of us**

**LATULA: n3v3r s4w 1t com1ng! sur3 n3v3r sm3ll3d 1t com1ng, h3h.**

**LATULA: w4y sm4rt. t1m1ng 1t just b3for3 th3 scr4tch, so th4t god t13rz d1dnt h4v3 4 ch4nc3 to r3v1v3 b3for3 th3 r3s3t, thus 1ron1c4lly l34v1ng th3m to b3 3r4s3d from 3x1st3nc3. ****#not th4t th4t r34lly 3v3n n33d3d 3xpl41n1ng?**

**LATULA: th4t JUST occurr3d to m3 r3c3ntly. wuz op3n1ng th3 m34l v4ult to m4k3 4 fr34k1n ghost sn4ck wh3n 1 wuz l1k3. SH1T!**

**LATULA: P444444YCH3CK! 1 s41d, 4ll sh4k1ng my f1st.**

**LATULA: h4h4h4, dont l34v3 m3 h4ng1n grl. 8D ****#H1 F1V3**

**MEENAH: k one more pyrope but thats it**

**MEENAH: i dig a good highfive as much as the next badgirl but my cod ****#hi5 fatigue**

**MEENAH: got this fresh pimp ghost bod looking fine as fuck i dont need to callous up my palms already**

**MEENAH: havent you heard an empress needs hands so soft you can use em to polish gold with?**

**MEENAH: question**

**LATULA: shoot b4b3z.**

**MEENAH: seeing as what a hot shit gamer gurl you have a reputation for and all**

**MEENAH: i figured you would be a lock to join my party**

**MEENAH: to go fuck up clamilord or whoever** **#lord of clams**

**LATULA: w41t. who?**

**MEENAH: skull guy**

**MEENAH: kills ghosts**

**LATULA: 3rrr nop3. h3lp m3 out p4ymon3y.**

**MEENAH: dont you keep up with current events** **#current like water current yessss**

**LATULA: tchhh, your3 r3m1nd1ng m3 why 1 thought you w3r3 cr4zy mp. just fr34k1n sp1ll 1t.**

**MEENAH: the shit in the sky**

**MEENAH: it cracked**

**MEENAH: a monster did that**

**MEENAH: DO YOU WANT TO GO )(-ELP M-E KILL T)(-E BAD GUY?**

**LATULA: oh why d1dnt you s4y so!**

**LATULA: sounds l1k3 4 r4d pl4n 4nd you know how 1 f33l 4bout th3 r4dpl4nz...**

**MEENAH: but?**

**LATULA: h4t3 to b3 4 buzzk1ll but... 1ts b33n wh4t.**

**LATULA: 4pprox1m4t3ly H3LLA y34rz s1nc3 1 d1d 4ny f1ght1ng?**

**LATULA: k1nd of rusty. sh1t dont l3t kk know 1 s41d rusty, 4h4h4. ****#tw #h3mophob1c slurs**

**MEENAH: so**

**LATULA: so 1m s4y1ng 1 h4d SCADZ of t1m3 to p3rf3ct th1s K1LL3R HAND PLANT! 8D**

**LATULA: w4nn4 s3333?**

**MEENAH: no pretty sure dont give much a shit about a trick you do on your four wheel device**

**MEENAH: tho i will say**

**MEENAH: "scads" is actually a fish pun you made probly on accident**

**MEENAH: which kind of makes me want to give you a hug so it balances out your dumb shit answer ****#fish puns are #my one weakness :(**

**LATULA: 1m sorry mp. 1 r34lly 4m! f33l l1k3 such 4 w3t snuggl3pl4n3 b41l1ng on you l1k3 th1s. ****#tho m4yb3 you l1k3 w3t snuggl3pl4n3s? #s1nc3 you c4n l1v3 und3r w4t3r?**

**LATULA: 1 should prob4bly run 1t by mt. s33 wh4t h3 th1nks.**

**MEENAH: oh shit you and captor**

**MEENAH: thats still a thing after all this pseudotime or**

**LATULA: h4h4 y3444h.**

**MEENAH: still red? ****#38o**

**LATULA: uh huh. 8]**

**MEENAH: mother glubber**

**MEENAH: seriously didnt think T)(ATD last**

**LATULA: 1dk, th3r3z w4y mor3 to h1m th4n. w3ll, 4ll th3 t3rr1bl3 4nd stup1d sh1t h3 s4ys 4ll th3 t1m3.**

**LATULA: 4nd 1ts 4lw4yz f3lt l1k3 h3 n33ds m3 1f th4t m4k3s s3ns3, 3v3n 4ft3r dy1ng. so th3r3z th4t!**

**MEENAH: fuckin afterlife**

**MEENAH: i know im new here but**

**MEENAH: almost seems like**

**MEENAH: you die and nothing means anyfin and then you date forever**

**MEENAH: sort of makes me want to puke**

**LATULA: ;D**

**MEENAH: couldnt see that wink behind your radspex fyi ****#anemone waaay...**

**MEENAH: if you change your mind**

**MEENAH: just lemminnow**

**MEENAH: oh and by the way**

**MEENAH: i need to be you for a tern**

**MEENAH: like**

**MEENAH: borrowin your board**

**LATULA: grl, who DO3SNT w4nt to b3 m3?**

**LATULA: you th1nk you c4n just w4ltz 1nto th1s bubbl3 4nd st4rt b31ng 4ny r4d g4m3r grl you cross p4thz w1th?**

**LATULA: chy34h, R1GHT! you h4v3 4 long, LONG w4y to go b3for3 you 34rn 3nough r4d-cr3dz to b3 M3. or 4s 1 l1k3 to c4ll th3m, CRADZ. ****#cr4dz #tm**

**MEENAH: latula shut up and just tell me what horseshit thing you want me to do**

**LATULA: 1ts gonn4 cost y4!**

**LATULA: you h4v3 to 'l1k3' 4ll my r4dd3st m3mor13z, 4nd th3n r3bubbl3 4t l34st 413 of th3m.** **#th3 numb3r 413 #not 'AIE'**

**MEENAH: you can NOT be serious**

**LATULA: H4H4H4H4H4H4! ****#psych3**

**MEENAH: kay tules im outtie**

**LATULA: w41t! dont b3 l1k3 th4t, w3 c4n st1ll cut 4 d34l, l3mm3 th1nk.** **#hmzzz...**

**LATULA: 4lr1ght, k1d. t3ll you wh4t. s1nc3 1 d1g your styl3, 1ll g1v3 you 4 shot.**

**LATULA: you m4y th1nk you rul3, wh3r34z most oth3rs drool, but wh4t 1 w4nt to know 1s, how b4d c4n you THR4SH stuff?**

**LATULA: just n33d to scop3 your k1ckfl1p chopz, m4k3 sur3 3v3ryth1ng ch3cks out. s33 1f your t3chn1qu3s 4r3 wh3r3 th3y n33dz to b3 4t.**

**MEENAH: kickflip chops ****#sdlkjlkjfs**

**LATULA: y34h grl. show m3 y3r stuntz. m4yb3 som3th1ng 1n 4 h4ndpl4nt. ooh, know wh4t sh1t would b3 W1CK3D M4L1C1OUS?**

**LATULA: gr1nd1ng down 4 R41L1NG!** **#Y3AH! #hold pol3s**

**LATULA: th4t ought to b3 fl4gr4nt 3nough to prov3 your r4dn3ss 4 SHOR3.** **#'4' 1s 4 homonym 4g41n yo**

**LATULA: so wh4t4y4 s4y, p4ych3ck? you r34dy to st4rt r1pp1ng up so m4ny h3ll4c3ous shr3ds th4t th1s f13rc3sh1tty b1zn4sty w1ll st4rt g3tt1ng so d3l1r1ously rud3br4z3n 1t...**

**MEENAH: just gimme the board pyrope**

There was a locked door at the end of the hall. It appeared to be guarding someone's private memories. Looked like it needed a password. She wondered who'd locked it? #mysterious symbol #a clue #bonus hint: #it's karkat

She turned back around and went down a side hall. Well kicking Christ in a sidecar. Look who it was.

**PORRIM: Welco+me back.**

**MEENAH: sup maryam**

**PORRIM: So+, yo+ur death certificate has barely dried, and yo+u're already busy raising an army, I hear?**

**MEENAH: howd you even hear that already** **#dag**

**PORRIM: Wo+rd travels fast here. Plenty o+f go+ssip.**

**PORRIM: No+ o+ne quite prepares yo+u fo+r the fact that o+n the o+ther side o+f death is an infinite echo+ chamber o+f teen drama.** **#Bubblr**

**PORRIM: Funny ho+w when we left o+ur wo+rld to+ play yo+ur game, we all tho+ught we were leaving o+ur juvenile scho+o+lfeeding days behind us.**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: all the more reason to get out of here and fight bad guys and stuff**

**PORRIM: I no+ticed ho+w yo+u cunningly sidestepped an enco+unter with Kankri do+wn there.** **#Nicely do+ne.**

**MEENAH: yeaaah ****#poor shouty 38(**

**MEENAH: nomoby deserves havin to meet a dead teen alt universe ancestor like that**

**PORRIM: I think he might be entertaining so+me delusio+n o+f taking him under his wing.**

**PORRIM: Or if no+t his wing, the red fuzzy arm o+f his sweater.**

**MEENAH: what is with that ugly thing anyway**

**PORRIM: I made it fo+r him, actually.**

**PORRIM: Fo+r o+ne thing, I go+t tired o+f lo+o+king at his stupid hiked up pants, which he refused to+ change, ever. Serio+usly, did yo+u ever see him wearing anything else?**

**MEENAH: haha no**

**PORRIM: So+ unfashio+nable.**

**PORRIM: Also+, he was always shivering. It gets kind o+f chilly o+ut here, and he just wo+uldn't sto+p. No+t that I minded to+o+ much, but he just has this way o+f making such vo+cal and o+stentatio+us displays o+f suffering, like it's so+me kind o+f righteo+us state o+f being. It gets difficult fo+r everyo+ne to+ endure, especially after eo+ns. Hence his nickname, I guess.**

**MEENAH: wait nickname**

**MEENAH: if theres some new dig on vantas i need to know about it pronto**

**PORRIM: The Insufferable.**

**MEENAH: fuck yes highfive**

**MEENAH: wait forget it my hands still sore from latula** **#goddamn radgirl**

**MEENAH: bitch slaps )(ARD**

**PORRIM: Oh, I kno+w.**

**MEENAH: you do**

**MEENAH: wait that is soundin fishily like innuendo**

**MEENAH: you and her ever uh** **#uh...**

**PORRIM: I was under the impressio+n yo+u didn't co+me here to+ start trading go+ssip.**

**MEENAH: whoa youre right**

**MEENAH: almost forgot to not be glubbin a fuck** **#glub exactly zero fucks**

**MEENAH: i apologize for prying into your romlife that was so shrimpudent of me**

**PORRIM: It's alright. It's no+t like I have many well kept secrets.**

**PORRIM: Co+me visit any time. We'll get yo+u all caught up o+n exactly who+'s been seen passing thro+ugh the well-greased revo+lving do+o+rs to+ my quadrants.**

**MEENAH: oh hey**

**MEENAH: wanna join my G) (OST ARMY?**

**MEENAH: were gonna go defeat lord clamiborn engfish or whatever his name is**

**MEENAH: big mean skull dude who cracked the sky**

**PORRIM: It's a no+ble idea.**

**PORRIM: But I do+n't kno+w ho+w useful I'd be.**

**MEENAH: oh come praaaaawn 38[**

**PORRIM: What's the size o+f yo+ur party so+ far?**

**MEENAH: uh**

**PORRIM: It's still just yo+u, isn't it?**

**MEENAH: ... maybe** **#losers #everywhere**

**PORRIM: If I were yo+u, I'd ask all the go+d tiers first. They'd give yo+u the mo+st tactical advantage, wo+uldn't they? ****#Go+d tiers**

**PORRIM: Then yo+u can build yo+ur co+alitio+n aro+und them.** **#Pajama party**

**MEENAH: i guess**

**PORRIM: +, they're immo+rtal, right? Or... gho+st immo+rtal, perhaps?**

**PORRIM: Dear Go+d, it's finally co+me to+ this. We have to+ talk abo+ut "gho+st immo+rtality" no+w, in a serio+us way?** **#Gho+st immo+rtality #Serio+us business**

**MEENAH: lol yeah**

**PORRIM: Anyway, that's what I'd do+.**

**MEENAH: but i think the thing is the skull lord might actually be able to kill god tiers?** **#at least... #ghost god tiers**

**PORRIM: Can he?**

**MEENAH: like bypass the whole judgment hullabeluga that makes em resurrect** **#whaaaaales #3**

**MEENAH: you know with the fancy clock and all**

**MEENAH: i dunno**

**PORRIM: Yo+u'll have to+ ask Aranea. I'm sure she co+uld talk yo+ur fin o+ff o+n the subject.** **#Sylph o+f Wo+rds**

**MEENAH: oof**

**MEENAH: yeah maybe later**

**PORRIM: Do+ yo+u even kno+w who+ all the go+d tiers are?**

**MEENAH: um**

**PORRIM: There's Aranea. Did yo+u ask her?**

**MEENAH: yeah but she has her own plan**

**MEENAH: girl is going on a cherub jam or some bitch ass noise** **#eff that**

**PORRIM: Ok. Well, I ho+pe this isn't to+o+ invasive, but what abo+ut yo+u?**

**MEENAH: ...**

**PORRIM: I've heard rumo+rs that yo+u reached go+d tier, but never let o+n to+ anyo+ne.** **#Except presumably Damara...**

**MEENAH: you dont understand**

**MEENAH: its just that fucking thief of life getup ****#looked like such ass**

**MEENAH: i couldnt just parade around in that hideous thing** **#got a reputation to conchsider**

**PORRIM: So+ it is true, then. Tho+ught so+.**

**PORRIM: See what I mean, tho+ugh? I wasn't sure abo+ut that until just no+w. Rumo+rs are always flying, but secrets so+meho+w persist.**

**PORRIM: Who+ kno+ws who+ else reached go+d tier? A lo+t can happen in three sweeps. I o+nly kno+w I didn't make it.**

**PORRIM: But if yo+u need so+meo+ne to+ eerily pho+spho+resce in the demo+n's vicinity, while debating whether to+ try drinking his blo+o+d, then I'd like to+ think I easily crack the to+p 10+ candidates yo+u might co+nsider fo+r the jo+b.**

**MEENAH: yeah i know youd rock the glowin duties** **#po glow**

**MEENAH: guess youre right i should sea what other god tiers want to join**

**MEENAH: the prob is that i dont think becoming god tier stops you from being lame and terrible** **#lame #terrible**

**MEENAH: and we got a lot of people like that on our team** **#soooo**

**PORRIM: This is true.**

**MEENAH: guess ill keep axin around**

**MEENAH: gonna bounce seaya meryam**

Meenah left the hall.


	209. Book 12 Chapter 13: Dancestors

Chapter 13: Dancestors

Porrim walked over to a little dream bubble, containing one of her memories. She peered inside. The memory was from right here, on Prospit. She'd spent a great deal of time there during the long sweeps of her session. She remembered this little precipice well. But… hadn't there been a staircase here? She was almost positive there'd been stairs. Suddenly, the stairs she had been certain had been there previously appeared. Perfect.

Porrim walked over to where Latula was and waved.

**PORRIM: Hey.**

**LATULA: yo yo, w4zzup grl!**

**PORRIM: Latula, it's just me. I do+n't think anyo+ne is lo+o+king. No+ need to+ go+ so+ heavy o+n the rad girl ro+utine.**

**LATULA: y34h, gu3ss your3 r1ght. 1'll ch1ll 1t down 4 b1t.**

**LATULA: wh4ts on your think p4n, po-m4ry.**

**PORRIM: Meeting o+ur ancesto+rs as kids, o+r I mean o+ur descendants as kids, ho+wever yo+u want to+ spin it… ****#Descesto+rs? #Ancendants? #Dancesto+rs… #Hmm #Bingo+**

**PORRIM: It has me thinking abo+ut o+ur rebo+o+ted lives o+n Alternia, and what we grew up to+ be.**

**PORRIM: Makes me wo+nder abo+ut fate. If it's even so+mething that's co+mprehensible.**

**LATULA: y34h?**

**PORRIM: Fo+r instance, o+n Alternia, my relatio+nship with Kankri seemed to+ make so+me sense. I co+uld definitely see o+ur lives beco+ming entangled in that way, karmically speaking.**

**PORRIM: But then there were o+ther develo+pments that are still mysterio+us to me.**

**PORRIM: Like, as far as I kno+w, yo+u and Aranea always go+t alo+ng. Didn't yo+u? ****#Radglare #Kindfang**

**LATULA: 3h 1 gu3ss. n3v3r sp3nt much tim3 th1nk1ng 4bout s3rk3t, tbh.**

**LATULA: 4lw4ys thought sh3 w4s 4 s3lf 4bsorb3d snooz3, 1f you r34lly w4nt to know. ****#zzzz #not 3v3n th3 r4d k1nd of z33s**

**PORRIM: Exactly. No+thing much to+ yo+ur relatio+nship to+ speak o+f at all. But in yo+ur po+st-scratch lives yo+u had such majo+r issues to+gether, even yo+ur descendants inherited it, and co+ntinued the co+ntentio+us cycle until there was blo+o+dshed. ****#Redglare #Mindfang**

**LATULA: r34lly?**

**LATULA: huh.**

**PORRIM: Did yo+u no+t kno+w that? ****#Mindfang gave yo+u five #Then left yo+u hanging**

**LATULA: n3v3r r34lly though 4bout 1t. but now th4t you m3nt1on 1t, th4t outcom3 m4k3s 4ll sorts of s3ns3 to m3.**

**PORRIM: It do+es? Ho+w?**

**LATULA: just do3s, b4b3z**

**PORRIM: I do+n't really understand karma.**

**LATULA: th4ts c4us3 your3 not 4 m1nd pl4y3r**

**PORRIM: Oh. Co+uld yo+u explain to+ me ho+w it wo+rks then?**

**LATULA: pshh, 4s 1f. th4t wouldnt b3 4 v3ry r4d th1ng to do. ****#do 1 look l1k3 s3rk3t to you?**

**LATULA: h3y, ch3ck out th1s OUTST4ND1NG h33lfl1p!**

**PORRIM: I do+n't**

**PORRIM: …** **#Sigh**

**PORRIM: Ok. Let's see it.**

**LATULA: w41t.**

**LATULA: 4w m4n! 1 forgot 1 g4v3 my bo4rd to p4ych3ck!**

**LATULA: som3 oth3r tim3, po-m4ry. p34c3!**

Porrim waddled back into the hallway and down the new flight of steps, finding herself in front of Karkat and Kankri again.

**PORRIM: Kanny, leave this po+o+r kid alo+ne.**

**KANKRI: I'd appreciate it if y9u w9uldn't call me that. We've talked a69ut this. That's what y9u call a wiggler. D9 I l99k like a wiggler t9 y9u, P9rrim? N9, I d9n't. It's 6een three sweeps, plus eternity, f9r, excuse me, "fuck's" sake. I think we can safely retire that particular term 9f "endearment". Call me anything 6ut that, even my 9ther nickname. I'm actually 9k with that 9ne. ****#micr9aggressi9ns #n9 wait #MACR9agressi9ns m9re like**

**PORRIM: I'm no+t calling yo+u Insufferable, Kanny. Well, no+t unless I'm using it as an actual adjective. ****#And even then, pro+bably no+t to+ yo+ur face.**

**PORRIM: Well... ****#No+t o+ften I mean.**

**KANKRI: It w9uld 6e nice if y9u'd at least use my pr9per name in fr9nt 9f my studi9us y9ung Alternian descendant. It really kind 9f er9des my credi6ility, and I d9n't need that in the pr9ximity 9f a fresh faced y9ungster wh9 clearly thirsts f9r kn9wledge. Why w9uld y9u want t9 sa69tage a fine y9ung man's educati9n like that? ****#Fresh #Faced #Y9ungster #Kn9wledge thirst**

**PORRIM: Ro+lling my eyes here.**

**PORRIM: Can yo+u see? Do+ yo+u want me to+ light them up fo+r yo+u?**

**KANKRI: N9, 6ut thanks f9r 9ffering. C9uld y9u g9 r9ll them 9ver there? Thank y9u. N9w where was I. ****#H9w d9 y9u even r9ll eyes with9ut pupils?**

**PORRIM: I do+n't think he cares.**

**PORRIM: Hey, there. Karkat? If yo+u do+n't mind my asking... are yo+u even remo+tely interested in the lo+af supplement this guy's serving?**

**KARKAT: **

**PORRIM: Go+tcha. Yo+u just said all yo+u needed to+ say.**

**PORRIM: Yo+u kno+w, yo+u are actually very cute. **

**PORRIM: That girl who+'s been wandering aro+und in the drago+n suit is a very lucky lady. **

**KANKRI: 9k, w9nderful. That c9nversati9n just came t9 an end. **

**KANKRI: P9rrim, please d9n't hit 9n my re699ted kid ancest9r-descendant. It's really weird. N9t t9 menti9n, he l99ks exactly like me? I mean, kind 9f 96vi9usly? S9 when y9u're hitting 9n him, it's like y9u're hitting 9n me at the exact same time, which like I said. It's weird.** **#It's weird**

**KANKRI: N9t t9 get int9 all this again, 6ut the th9ught 9f dating y9u... it's just a strange and vaguely 9ffputting idea. N9 9ffense. It alm9st makes me understand at a visceral level the 6izarre human anathema 9f incest, which is s9mething I can't really explain. I'm just saying. ****#Trigger warning #Incest #Anathemas #Viscerality #Vaguely #9ffputting**

**PORRIM: (Very deep sigh.)** **#Oh my Go+d.**

**KANKRI: I'm S9RRY, 9k? I'm s9rry that I am, perhaps literally, the 9nly 9ne n9t t9 ever fall prey t9 y9ur tireless 9mnidirecti9nal s9licitati9ns, 9r t9 get swept up in 9ne 9f y9ur innumera6le flushed 9r caligin9us flings. I happened t9 always prefer y9u as a friend, and in any case, I always preferred t9 lead a relatively chaste existence, as it keeps me f9cused 9n fighting 9n 6ehalf 9f truly imp9rtant pr96lems. Alth9ugh staying "relatively" chaste t9 y9u I supp9se is n9t saying much.**

**PORRIM: ...** **#Hey.**

**KANKRI: 9nce again, I ap9l9gize. I've 6lundered int9 the pr96lematic territ9ry 9f vacillati9n shaming, thus 9pening the fl99dgates t9 the myriad ways 9ne may 6e disadvantaged up9n 6y its staggering shame radius. I f9rg9t t9 check my piety privilege, and here we are. I was g9ing t9 c9ver this t9pic in a much later chapter 9f my lecture, 6ut we've g9tten 6adly derailed here.** **#TW #Derailment #Train wrecks #Ch99 ch99 catastr9phes**

**KANKRI: Karkat, I'm s9rry f9r this interrupti9n. I pr9mise I'll get 6ack t9 my critical lecture as s99n as this pr9miscu9us 6usy69dy leaves us in peace.** **#Village tw9 wheel device**

**KARKAT: **

**PORRIM: Yes, critical lecture. I'm sure.**

**PORRIM: And am I right in being just as sure yo+u are assiduo+usly deco+nstructing every co+nceivable, hypo+thetical fo+rm o+f injustice no+ matter ho+w o+bscure, except tho+se that I happen to+ think are kind o+f impo+rtant?** **#Yes**

**KANKRI: N9. Just, n9, P9rrim. We're n9t d9ing this.** **#N9**

**KANKRI: I am n9t g9ing t9 p9llute Karkat's utterly imperative crash c9urse, in which he is intr9duced t9 the A6S9LUTE 6ASICS, 6y indulging in y9ur pet issues.**

**PORRIM: Yes, ho+w dreadful it wo+uld be fo+r yo+ur sixty nine millio+n wo+rd essay to+ get bo+gged do+wn by even the faintest reference to+ the ro+les o+f gender in Befo+ran and Alternian civilizatio+n.** **#"HUMAN SARCASM"**

**KANKRI: L99k, it's n9t that I'm insensitive t9 y9ur c9ncerns 9n that t9pic. I'm interested t9 discuss them with y9u 9n an academic, primarily the9retical level.**

**PORRIM: Theo+retical?** **#...**

**KANKRI: I just think there is inherent danger in muddying the waters 9f disc9urse 6y intr9ducing s9cial issues which are suspect at 6est, thus c9nsuming crucial res9urces fr9m the limited cache 9f rhet9ric which pr9pels these narratives. And furtherm9re, 9ne c9uld argue it's m9re than a little pr96lematic, 9ffensive even, f9r y9u t9 6e appr9priating the lexic9n 9f sensitivity used t9 advance awareness 9f maj9r issues, thus reducing it t9 the level 6uzzspeak and pseud9science. It makes it m9re difficult f9r th9se 9f us wh9 are genuinely f9cused 9n p9sitive change t9 6e taken seri9usly, that's all.**

**PORRIM: Appro+priating?** **#That's no+t #what that even #means?**

**PORRIM: PSEUDOSCIENCE?** **#Yo+u did no+t just...**

**KANKRI: I'm s9rry, I just d9n't think there's much there. We aren't like humans, wh9se species 6izarrely en9ugh includes highly specialized r9les f9r 69th sexes in the pr9cess 9f repr9ducti9n, and s9 this naturally had s9cial ramificati9ns f9r the way their civilizati9n ev9lved. 6ut that's n9t h9w it w9rks f9r us, s9 I fail t9 see h9w gender fact9rs int9 the discussi9n in a way that can 6e effectively and rati9nally pr96lematized. Where is the r99m f9r unexamined privilege in the dich9t9my? I d9n't see it. And appr9priating the talking p9ints and awareness-raising tactics f9r du6i9us issues like this is, frankly, fr9wned up9n, t9 put it p9litely. Such appr9priative gestures 9nly serve t9 marginalize and invalidate th9se su6ject t9 seri9us, real life struggles and 9ppressi9n, and I guess I'm a little disapp9inted t9 see y9u 6eing s9 6lithely and inappr9priately appr9priat9ry.** **#Fr9wned up9n #Fr9wns all ar9und #Welc9me t9 fr9wn t9wn**

**PORRIM: Kanny, I'm starting to+ feel just a little bit triggered by all this "appro+priatio+n" bullshit.** **#Trigger warning: #Abo+ut to+ kick yo+ur tall pantsed ass**

**KANKRI: 9h! My sincere ap9l9gies. I sh9uld have d9ne a 6etter j96 tagging my statements, 6ut f9r future reference, it's helpful t9 alert y9ur c9nversati9nal partners t9 y9ur triggers well in advance. Sh9uld I g9 fetch y9ur m9irail t9 help settle y9u d9wn? And if s9, wh9 exactly w9uld 6e filling that quadrant t9day?** **#It's the may9r, right? #G9tta 6e the may9r**

**PORRIM: Alright. Obvio+usly yo+u're in o+ne o+f yo+ur bratty mo+o+ds. I'm go+ne.**

**KANKRI: D9n't 6e like that. Really, we can talk a69ut whatever y9u like later, and I'll 6e really sympathetic, I pr9mise. Just n9t ar9und my pupil while he is still learning. **

**KANKRI: 9r... my descendant. What did I say? Haha. Karkat, I mean. Anyway, Karkat, again I ap9l9gize f9r that. ** **#N9w where was I?**

**KARKAT:**

Meenah walked over to the staircase and did a sick grind down the railing down to where Latula was waiting. She landed, flipped the skateboard up, and caught it in one hand. She grinned.

**LATULA: th4t w4s…**

**LATULA: so…**

**LATULA: fr34k1ng**

**LATULA: R44444444444444D1C4L! ****#8O**

**LATULA: holy smok3z grl, 1 d1dnt th1nk you 3v3n h4d gr1nds l1k3 th4t.**

**MEENAH: hell yeah 38D**

She shouted across the room to where Kankri and Karkat were standing?

**MEENAH: yo vantas did you sea that?**

**KANKRI: Did I see what? I'm ap9l9gize Meenah, 6ut I'm in the middle 9f a very imp9rtant lecture regarding s9cial injustices with my descendant here and I w9uld sincerely appreciate it if y9u didn't interrupt.**

**LATULA: bro! 1 h34r youv3 b33n h4ssl1ng th3 n3w k1dz. wh4t 1s UP w1th th4t?**

**KANKRI: Hassling? Far fr9m it. I've merely disc9vered a new and far less ungrateful fl9ck which has n9t yet 6ec9me w9efully jaded t9 my messages 9f p9sitive s9cial change. ****#New f9ll9wers**

**MEENAH:**

**LATULA: you c4nt fool m3 k4nkz. you 4r3 bor1ng th4t poor dud3 to d34th. you just w4nt to m4k3 4 ghost out of h1m so you c4n k33p h1m h3r3 for3v3r.**

**KARKAT: **

**LATULA: wh1ch 41nt r1ght! you h4v3 to l3t th4t bro d13 of h1s own M4D VOL1T1ONZ.** **#r3: #m1st4k3s #l1k3 us**

**KANKRI: Can y9u sc99t away 9n y9ur little wheeled t9y f9r immature wigglers? I was in the middle 9f a serm9n.** **#I mean, c9nversati9n.**

**LATULA: why dont you s4v3 h1m som3 gr13f 4nd g1v3 h1m on3 of your old m3moz?**

**LATULA: 4h4h4h, r3m3mb3r thoz3? how m4ny sw33ps d1d you sp3nd try1ng to forc3 us to r34d th4t tr4sh?** **#fru1ty r1ght3ous blowh4rd f4ctory**

**KANKRI: I d9n't remem6er. And n9, I w9n't 6e sharing my 9ld mem9s with him. They were written very p99rly, and my meth9ds 9f argumentati9n were flawed and extremely childish. I've deleted m9st 9f th9se mem9ries fr9m these 6u66les, s9 d9n't 69ther r99ting ar9und f9r them. Frankly, they stunk.**

**LATULA: h3y!** **#8[**

**KANKRI: 9h, man, I'm s9rry. I c9mpletely f9rg9t that "stunk" was an a6leist slur. Please f9rgive my insensitivity t9ward y9ur disa6ility.** **#tw #tw #tw #s9rry #tw #a6leism**

**LATULA: 1tz ch1ll, 1 w4s only 4ct1ng off3nd3d to bug you.**

**KANKRI: N9, really, it was inexcusa6le 9f me. I sh9uld have at least preceded my call9us remark with a trigger warning.** **#Trigger warning: #Em6arrassed retracti9ns ahead**

**KANKRI: I have n9 6usiness making light 9f y9ur impairment, thus failing t9 check my nasal privilege, and p9tentially 6ringing 6ack painful and devastatingly triggering mem9ries 9f the 9ld cycle 9f revenge 6etween y9u and s9me friends which resulted in the l9ss 9f y9ur 9lfact9ry sense. I have t9 admit, I was skeptical at first a69ut whether that really qualified as a true disa6ility warranting sensitivity and the pr9m9ti9n 9f awareness, 6ut 6eing cl9se t9 y9u as a friend and carefully examining my privilege has really 9pened my eyes. 99ps, that euphemism is slightly a6leist t9 the 6lind, what I meant was "6r9adened my h9riz9ns 9n the nature 9f disa6ility." S9rry.** **#Nasal privilege #H9riz9ns #6r9adness #H9riz9ntal width l9ngenning**

**LATULA: y34h! th4ts funny, c4us3 1t n3v3r would h4v3 occurr3d to m3 to t4k3 1t 4ll th4t s3r1ously 4s 4 h4nd1c4p w1thout you m4k1ng 4 f3d3r4l c4s3 out of 1t for so long on my b3h4lf. so, th4nkz k4nk!** **#MAD d1s4dv4nt4g3d brot1m3z**

**KANKRI: My pleasure. Really, it is truly amazing that y9u have managed t9 triumph 9ver such adversity t9 6ec9me a great r9le m9del f9r 9thers, excellent at vide9 games, and a t9tally stellar skate69arding pers9n, all while 6eing a girl, n9 less.**

**KARKAT:**

**MEENAH: hey watch your MOUT) (**

**KANKRI: Wh9a, Meenah. I f9rg9t y9u were here. Y9u sh9uld have c9me say hell9 earlier.**

**MEENAH: oh**

**MEENAH: yeah i didnt wanna bother you and shoutier you over there** **#or talk to or listen to or be around you**

**KANKRI: It w9uld have 6een alright. Karkat and I were 9nly a few h9urs fr9m wrapping up 9ur first 9f what I'm presuming will 6e many, many sessi9ns t9gether.** **#s9 many**

**KANKRI: Y9u and I have s9 much t9 discuss. I've really crystallized s9me pr96lems. Eternity has really helped me make s9me pr9gress 9n issues that matter t9 every69dy. Even gr9ups 9f pe9ple wh9 d9n't technically exist. **

**KANKRI: I've had a l9t 9f time t9 think. A69ut that, and a69ut us. 9ur team, I mean, and the mistakes we've made which were pr96a6ly 6lessings in disguise. I kn9w we had 9ur differences, with y9u claiming the r9le as s9rt 9f 9ur defact9 leader, in terms 9f strategy and executi9n... literal executi9n, I supp9se. While I r9se t9 pr9minence am9ng 9ur peers as the undisputed spiritual shepherd 9f the gr9up.** **#Herding all these g9ddamn w99l6easts #Fuckin pain in the ass**

**MEENAH: uh**

**MEENAH: whatever you say** **#undisputed spiritual shepherd? #ahahahahaha**

**KANKRI: I've als9 heard y9u're recruiting mem6ers f9r a militia? An9ther 69ld endeav9r. N9t surprising, th9ugh. 6ef9re y9u em6ark, I d9 h9pe y9u'll set aside at least several sweeps t9 listen t9 s9me 9f my...**

**MEENAH: hey vantas**

**MEENAH: i really want to hear more of your garbage and lisfin to it all with hella baited breath** **#baited like worms and such #fishin #38)**

**MEENAH: like i really really missed that you have no idea**

**MEENAH: but i have to go do**

**MEENAH: a thing** **#uh #yeah**

**MEENAH: reel quick**

**KANKRI: 9h.**

**MEENAH: can you wait**

**MEENAH: like right H-ER-E**

**MEENAH: exactly this spot**

**MEENAH: for a few minutes**

**KANKRI: A6s9lutely!**

**KANKRI: Really, n9 hurry, I'll take the time t9 prepare s9me 9f my 9pening statements t9 6etter c9ntextualize my pr9hi6itively l9quaci9us harangue. I mean friendly 6anter.**

**MEENAH: brb dog**

While Kankri turned around and thought to himself, Meenah whispered in Karkat's ear.

**MEENAH: (psst!)**

**MEENAH: (hey vantas)**

**KARKAT: (what.)**

**MEENAH: (nows yer chance)**

**MEENAH: (lets blow this nautical stand)** **#nautical/popsicle... #eh close enough**

**KARKAT: (oh...)**

**KARKAT: (i don't think i'm supposed to.)**

**MEENAH: (shouty you cant let that boring nerd tell you how to roll)**

**MEENAH: (you wanna stand here lisfinin to his shellf important abaloney all day?)**

**KARKAT: (not really.)** **#SHELLF IMPORTANT ABALONEY? #GODDAMN SEADWELLERS**

**MEENAH: (then COM-E ON!)**

Before Karkat could protest, Meenah dragged him away to the locked door.

**MEENAH: vantas gimme your password**

**KARKAT: (huh?)**

**MEENAH: this is your door aint it**

**KARKAT: (what makes you say that.)**

**MEENAH: the symbol on the doors the same as on your fuckin shirt**

**MEENAH: come on it aint blastoff device science** **#pchooo**

**KARKAT: (ok, yeah, it's mine. maybe i got tired of interloping shitbags traipsing through my PRIVATE and PERSONAL memories.)**

**MEENAH: you dont need to whisper anymore aint no one around**

**KARKAT: OH**

**MEENAH: now whats the password**

**KARKAT: MOVE OVER, I'LL TYPE IT FOR YOU.**

**MEENAH: no just tell me shouty! **

**KARKAT: OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO UNREASONABLE. HOW IS IT NOT PRETTY MUCH THE MOST REASONABLE FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD TO LET ME JUST TYPE MY OWN PASSWORD?**

**MEENAH: dude you want kankri to find you and talk yer nubs off again**

**KARKAT: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT.** **#OH DEAR GOD**

**KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU, JUST...**

**KARKAT: DON'T GO BLABBING IT AROUND.**

**KARKAT: THE PASSWORD IS...**

Karkat muttered something under his breath.

**MEENAH: wuh** **#?**

Karkat muttered it again, this time a little louder.

**MEENAH: bro you gotta speak up**

**KARKAT: IF I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, THEN WHY DON'T I HATEMARRY MYSELF!** **#WHAT ARE YOU DEAF**

**MEENAH: T)(ATS your p word**

**MEENAH: what in glubs name does that mean**

**KARKAT: NOTHING. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.**

**KARKAT: IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT REMINDS ME OF AN OLD FRIEND. ALRIGHT?! CAN WE GET GOING NOW?**

**MEENAH: fuck yeah! this way shouty**

**MEENAH: you will not regret hitchin your wagon to my starfish**

**KARKAT:**

Karkat facepalmed.

Together, they walked through the door.

**MEENAH: so shouty**

**MEENAH: or… kankrat was it?**

**MEENAH: been meaning to axe you… HEY!**

**MEENAH: whered he go? ****#sigh**

**MEENAH: its so hard makin friends**

Meenah discovered that she was in an Alternian lowblood neighborhood. And… was that Aranea? Behind a stand. A sign on the stand read "Exposition. 5 boonbucks. The sylph is IN."

**MEENAH: hey you see where louder vantas went**

**ARANEA: Yes, I saw him scurry 8y a moment ago. He went that way, into a memory of his old neigh8orhood.**

**MEENAH: man what gives**

**MEENAH: does my breath stink or** **#do i need a fish mint**

**ARANEA: I think he just wants to 8e alone. He tried to lock his memories away from others, I guess without realizing these 8u88les can 8e very permea8le. If the memory is 8ig enough, people will 8e a8le to wander into it from many directions.**

**ARANEA: He pro8a8ly won't 8e too happy to find more of our friends hanging out there.**

**MEENAH: oh shit more of the old gang is that way**

**MEENAH: guess i better go talk to them too** **#yay more useless tools**

**MEENAH: probably have to bail shouty out YET AGAIN**

**MEENAH: damn kid makes you work**

**ARANEA: That's pro8a8ly why you're o8sessed with him.**

**MEENAH: shut up**

She looked closely at the stand.

**MEENAH: yo what is this shit**

**MEENAH: you sellin somefin here**

**MEENAH: if so i should warn you im a little low on funds these days**

**ARANEA: I am offering explanations! I will explain anything you desire.**

**MEENAH: ahahaha you must be out of your seasponge if you think ima part with anyfin of value for a shitty speech**

**ARANEA: Oh, no! You misunderstand. It is I who will pay YOU five 8oon8ucks if you listen to an explanation on any topic of your choosing!**

**MEENAH: oh** **#good grief**

**ARANEA: So what topic will it 8e?**

**MEENAH: hang on!** **#im thinking**

**ARANEA: Can't decide on a topic?**

**MEENAH: no cant decide if its worth listening to you even if you pay me**

**ARANEA: ::::(**

**ARANEA: Now I know you're messing with me. I know you can't say no to easy money.**

**MEENAH: yeah youre right** **#if i fall asleep do i still get paid**

**MEENAH: lay it on me**

**MEENAH: tell me about kankri**

**ARANEA: The Seer of 8lood played quite a different role on our team from that of his successor, though his potential as a 8lood player went similarly unrealized. It was only when he grew up on Alternia did he 8egin to tap into his a8ilities, triggering recollection of our lives on 8eforus, and what we all went through.**

**ARANEA: He remem8ered our more peaceful way of life, and his desire to unite people. As an adult he was a8le to do this much more effectively and maturely. Heroically, even. He learned how to inspire others, and 8e a true leader, even when the odds were stacked against him in his violent culture. It cost him his life, 8ut his message lived on. I 8elieve the Knight of 8lood now carries his 8urden, whether he has decided to accept it or not.**

**ARANEA: Many of us on Alternia grew up to 8ecome secret followers of his teachings. Just as many of us now follow them, though I'd say with a 8it more detachment. 8ecause we're dead! Speaking personally, I'd refer to myself as more of a "fan" of his story, and what it represents. 8oth the hidden potential in our friend he never quite found, and the hidden potential in all our people.**

**ARANEA: During our session, Kankri's trials as a leader were just as frustrating as those of his successor. He found it very hard to get others to take him seriously. While you would often try to divide us with your trou8lemaking, and turn us against each other to make us stronger - unsuccessfully I might add - he would try to unite us through proselytizing and lecture, just as unsuccessfully. **

**MEENAH: wow that sure was a bunch of stuff i already knew**

**ARANEA: Yes! And now it is fresher in your memory than ever. Thank you for listening, and here are your five 8oondollars!**

**MEENAH: pleasure doin business with you**

**MEENAH: hey do i get to pick a few different topics?**

**ARANEA: Sure! However many you want.**

**MEENAH: how bout pyrope**

**ARANEA: Which one?**

**MEENAH: latula**

**ARANEA: The Knight of Mind, to even the most casual o8server, is clearly the more "radical" instance of the two Pyropes. 8oth of course have disa8ilities which, if discovered, would slate each for culling in their respective cultures. Culling of course means something quite different on 8eforus. It means she would have 8een selected 8y a mem8er of a higher caste for adoption, and coddled excessively. 8ut for someone with a lifestyle as radical as hers, I'm sure you will agree that would have 8een a fate worse than death.**

**MEENAH: serket yo this exposition is some straight up redonkulous junk even by your standards**

**ARANEA: Would you like to make some money, or not?**

**MEENAH: you know me i am all about the boonjamins**

**ARANEA: Then please stand there quietly while I continue.**

**MEENAH: urrrhn fin** **#*fine**

**ARANEA: After the tragic accident which left her nasally impaired, her mighty dragon lusus, ancient and wise 8eyond our comprehension, 8egan to teach her "new ways to smell." To reinvent the sense, using other sense organs such as eyes and ears, awakening completely new experiences in her mind. She was truly an inspiration, and proved 8eyond a shadow of a dou8t that any handicap can 8e overcome, and doesn't have to stop you from 8eing as rad as you can truly 8e.**

**MEENAH: wuuut**

**MEENAH: serket are you whistlin through my blowhole with his idiotic shit**

**ARANEA: Yes, that last part was a joke. Lighten up, Peixes!**

**MEENAH: yeah yeah what do we have to do to seal this deal here** **#seal #you know #the marine barkbeast**

**ARANEA: Well...**

**MEENAH: Just tell me the bare minimum a what i need to hear to snag ma boonies and run**

**ARANEA: Ok. Even though Latula has 8een dating Mituna steadily for eons, it's hardly a secret to anyone that she and Kankri have had complicated unrequited feelings for even longer. So really, much like their descendants. Aaaaaaaand, we're done! Here you go.**

**MEENAH: fuckin score**

**MEENAH: kay lets do porrim and then ill gtfo**

**ARANEA: The Maid of Space was of course our all-important Space player and Stoker of the Forge, 8ut as you know, we never made much progress on the frog 8reeding front, or really any aspect of the game 8efore the reckoning. Way too disorganized, way too much teen drama. Much of that drama of course centered around Kankri, and Porrim tended to 8e the one to keep him out of trou8le. This relationship persisted in their lives on Alternia, which... unfortunately didn't work out too well for her in the end. I'd address my involvement with that, 8ut you seem to 8e tapping your foot so I think I'll just skip over that part of the story!**

**ARANEA: On 8eforus, well 8efore her drinker a8ilities had awakened, she grew up in the caste almost solely devoted to tending to the mother gru8, hatching the young and proliferating the 8rood. The jade 8loods were also an almost exclusively female caste, and she 8egan to resent the roles she was hatched into, designated for 8oth her class and gender. She challenged these roles wherever they existed in 8eforan society, as well as where she found them woven into our session, in kingdoms, class assignments, consort culture and the like.**

**ARANEA: 8ut over the sweeps in our failed session, she found within herself a renewed interest in the duty that came with her 8loodline, which was of course the persistence of our people, a 8urden which her descendant now must 8ear. All life on 8eforus had 8een wiped out, and we'd failed our game, so she helped me search for a way to reset the...**

**MEENAH: zzzzzz**

**ARANEA: I was almost finished!**

**MEENAH: your just tellin me shit i know serk she was sorta my friend too remember**

**MEENAH: cant you spice this jam up**

**ARANEA: I don't...**

**MEENAH: didnt she like sleep with erybody**

**MEENAH: gimme all the dirt on that**

**ARANEA: What? **

**ARANEA: No, Meenah. I am not paying you so that you can listen to me indulge in such scandalous gossip.**

**ARANEA: Now what was I talking a8out? Gosh, I've lost my train of thought...**

**MEENAH: ahahaha why you blushin girl**

**MEENAH: omigawd you and she...?** **#? #NOODLES OF INTENSE CURIOSITY**

**ARANEA: **

**MEENAH: ho man why didnt you ever tell me i thought we was fronds**

**ARANEA: Look. Three sweeps is a long time to spend in a failed, pointless session!**

**ARANEA: You look into the future and see a life lasting for may8e thousands of sweeps, with nothing to look forward to, and...**

**MEENAH: aaaand?**

**ARANEA: It was just... kind of a phase! Just a little red fling, ok? It 8arely even lasted half a sweep, and...**

**ARANEA: Hey, if I give you TEN 8oon8ucks, can we stop talking talking a8out this?**

**MEENAH: make it a cool hunnid and you got a deal**

**ARANEA: Argh, fine! Just take it!**

**MEENAH: her imperious condescension thanks you for your generous contribution to the new empire**

**ARANEA: I'm glad you're a good guy this time. You really were hatched to 8e SUCH A 8ITCH!**

**MEENAH: hehehe peace serket**

**ARANEA:**

Meenah sniffed the air. She just knew more of her dead loser friends were lurking in this area. She could feel their lameness emanating from beyond the grave. She could also feel it emanating from within the grave, which was good, because that was where she was. The grave.

But we can meet all those guys next book. What we _really _need to do is see what John's been up to. It almost feels like a year since we last saw him. Hell, it was probably his birthday again. When was it ever NOT John's birthday?


	210. Book 12 Chapter 14: Orange Douche

Chapter 14: Orange Feathery Douche

End of Year 2 of the Prospitian ship's journey to the new session.

In an upper room high up in the ship, Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer and various plushies littered the ground beneath the suspended planets.

On LOWAS, from the windows at the bottom of John's super tall house came some kind of flashing bright yellow light. Playing on the TV was Nick Chunlund's _Con Air_. John and Jade sat next to each other on the couch, surrounded by plenty of ghostly cakes and salamanders. Jaspersprite watched from the steps. Jade levitated a piece of cake to her mouth.

**JOHN: jade…**

**JADE: hm?**

She took a bite out of her cake.

**JOHN: i think i just realized something.**

**JADE: what?**

On the screen, Cyrus "The Virus" pointed a gun at the bunny.

**JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!**

Jade jumped and the cake flew over the saloon-style doors into the kitchen.

**JADE: whaaat**

**JADE: but you love this movie!**

**JOHN: yeah, i know.**

**JOHN: i mean... i thought i did.**

**JOHN: it's been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this!**

**JOHN: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid.**

**JADE: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday!**

**JADE: you were going on and on about how i wouldnt be disappointed... but now youre saying you dont like it?**

**JOHN: i don't know. i'm trying to like it. i WANT to like it.**

**JOHN: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it.**

**JOHN: but i can't, because...**

**JOHN: it's just...**

**JOHN: not...**

**JOHN: good. :(**

**JADE: really?**

**JADE: i was actually kind of enjoying it!**

**JADE: its very silly**

**JADE: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john**

**JOHN: but i DID take it seriously!**

**JOHN: i guess maybe that's kind of the point.**

**JOHN: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling.**

**JOHN: what was i even thinking!**

**JADE: i dunno...**

**JADE: but people can change their minds about things**

**JADE: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie**

**JADE: i used to LOVE the squiddles show when i was really young**

**JADE: but as i got older i started to realize it wasnt as great as i thought it was**

**JADE: i was just too young to see how it was actually a flagrant vehicle for selling merchandise**

**JADE: and if you believed the conspiracy theorists it might have even been pushing some other dark hidden agendas...**

**JADE: so i stopped liking the show itself as much but that didnt change the fact that i had a lot of fond memories about it**

**JADE: i still loved all the cute characters and could enjoy it on a nostalgic level**

**JOHN: well, maybe later i'll be able to rekindle some nostalgic feelings about it.**

**JOHN: but right now, i just feel like a dope for talking this up so hard.**

**JADE: what is even the problem with it?**

**JADE: ive just been watching this and thinking, yup, i can see why john was so obsessed with this movie...**

**JADE: its funny!**

**JOHN: it's just non stop terrible action movie cliches!**

**JOHN: look. **

**JOHN: i love nic cage. he is basically my hero, ok? **

**JOHN: but i'm kind of just realizing now that he is EMBARRASSINGLY BAD in this movie! **

**JOHN: he is just doing this corny parody of a southern guy who is down on his luck, and acts "charming" with his goofy accent and stuff. **

**JOHN: some things i used to think were so badass are just coming off as ridiculous now. **

**JOHN: can you believe that one time we were watching this movie, when he said "put the bunny back in the box" i actually high fived my dad? **

**JOHN: this time that line just made me roll my eyes. **

**JOHN: there's so much crappy dialogue! **

**JOHN: "cyrus, this is your barbecue, and it tastes good..." arrgh! **

**JADE: but he was trying to sound like a hardened criminal to win the trust of john malkovich!**

**JOHN: jade, please. it was a cheesy line, don't be so naive. **

**JADE: what!**

**JADE: you spent your whole life worshiping this dumb movie and now youre calling ME naive?**

**JOHN: ok, i'm sorry. i guess in fairness to you, you have only just begun to climb the steep learning curve of this vexing and hypnotic film. **

**JOHN: but i am no longer bound by its spell, jade. **

**JADE: oh god**

**JADE: vexing and hypnotic?**

**JADE: its a movie full of explosions about a guy with a mullet**

**JADE: what is with you lately? you seem to be in such a crappy mood these days**

**JOHN: i am fine. this MOVIE is what's crappy these days. **

**JADE: oh bluh bluh**

**JADE: can we just finish the rest of the movie?**

**JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff!**

**JADE: hang on im going to rewind it...**

She picked up the remote.

**JOHN: who even cares what we missed.**

**JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense.**

**JOHN: heart of gold my ass!**

**JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can't believe i used to think he was just trolling me.**

**JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them... that was pointless!**

**JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue!**

**JOHN: like... oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!**

**JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses.**

**JOHN: also, i somehow didn't even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too.**

**JADE: whos dave chappelle?**

**JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we're supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter?**

**JOHN: well screw that! he wasn't so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for.**

**JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy.**

**JOHN: i'm going to rewind it to watch that scene again...**

**JADE: no!**

**JADE: dont touch the remote**

**JOHN: oh, and we're supposed to be like "YEAH" when cusack wrecks malloy's awesome sports car.**

**JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn't have ruined it like that for laughs.**

**JOHN: i know *I* wasn't laughing, were you?**

**JADE: YES :p**

**JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don't really get what he added to it?**

**JOHN: he was like the second hero... but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine...**

**JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie.**

**JOHN: i guess he's actually like cage's estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had.**

**JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united.**

**JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter!**

**JOHN: i wonder if i'll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i'll probably think it's so lame, i'm almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted.**

**JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here**

**JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW!**

**JADE: what?**

**JOHN: oh...**

**JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass.**

He pulled an orange feather out from under him.

**JOHN: god damn dave sprite.**

**JOHN: that guy molts like it's going out of style.**

**JADE: oh...**

**JADE: heh**

**JADE: yeah**

**JOHN: where is he anyway?**

**JOHN: i specifically told dave sprite several times when my party would start, because i knew he would do this.**

**JOHN: he's already missed half the movie!**

**JADE: why do you always call him dave sprite?**

**JOHN: um... because that's his name?**

**JOHN: dave sprite.**

**JADE: no, i mean why do you always say it like that? with the space between words?**

**JADE: its not dave sprite, its just davesprite**

**JOHN: what ever.**

**JOHN: i can't believe he's standing me up on my birthday.**

**JOHN: maybe he doesn't want to hang out with jaspers?**

**JOHN: jaspers, i hope you're not going to start chasing him around again when he gets here.**

**JASPERSPRITE: Hisssss!**

**JOHN: dude, shut up.**

**JADE: yeah... john**

**JADE: i dont think davesprite is coming tonight**

Jade looked down at her feet.

**JOHN: aw, man. really?**

**JOHN: i knew we shouldn't have invited both him and jaspers.**

**JOHN: that's just party planning BASICS.**

**JADE: no...**

**JADE: it has nothing to do with jaspers**

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: then why?**

**JADE: he uh...**

**JADE: kind of broke up with me**

**JOHN: what!**

**JOHN: when did that happen? **

**JADE: a couple days ago**

**JOHN: no. no way. **

**JOHN: i cannot accept this! **

**JADE: john its ok you dont have t...**

**JOHN: you and dave sprite were like the glue holding everything together on this miserable road trip! **

**JADE: we were?**

**JOHN: yes, jade. **

**JOHN: you were our rock. **

**JADE: your rock?**

**JADE: what are you talking about?**

**JOHN: come on, jade. **

**JOHN: you and dave sprite were like... an INSTITUTION on this stupid golden battleship. **

**JADE: we were not an institution!**

**JADE: you are just saying meaningless things now**

**JOHN: why did he break up with you?! **

**JADE: um...**

**JADE: its complicated**

**JADE: basically hes just going through a lot of stuff right now**

**JOHN: stuff? **

**JOHN: what stuff. **

**JOHN: jade, we are all going through stuff. you don't see me flying off the handle and breaking up with MY girlfriend. **

**JADE: do uh...**

**JADE: you have a girlfriend?**

**JOHN: that is not the point. **

**JOHN: the point is that dave sprite is a douche. **

**JADE: i dont think hes a douche, hes just...**

**JOHN: no, he's an orange feathery douche.**

John made a loop with the fingers of his left hand and moved his index finger on his other hand back and forth towards it.

**JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he's like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition. **

**JOHN: maybe it's because he's part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him. **

**JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him**

**JADE: like i said... its all more complicated than that**

**JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed. **

**JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to. **

**JADE: me too**

**JOHN: ehh... **

**JOHN: maybe it's for the best he broke up with you. **

**JADE: why?**

**JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him? **

**JOHN: he's a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to? **

**JADE: i dont know**

**JOHN: there are a lot of things we don't know. **

**JOHN: and also... **

**JOHN: how do things even work if you marry a sprite? **

**JADE: what do you mean**

**JOHN: i mean... **

**JOHN: ok, he has a ghost butt, for one thing. **

**JADE: uh**

**JADE: so**

**JOHN: a GHOST BUTT, jade! **

**JADE: SO WHAT IF HE HAS A GHOST BUTT!**

**JOHN: i'm just saying... **

**JADE: WHATEVER YOURE JUST SAYING, JUST STOP SAYING IT!**

**JADE: and whatever youre trying to gesture with your hands there, stop doing that too!**

**JOHN: what? no, i was just... **

**JADE: nope! totally not talking about this**

**JOHN: but **

**JADE: put your hands down john**

**JOHN: ok, fine. **

John put his hands on his head and screwed his eyes shut.

**JADE: thats not down, thats up!**

**JADE: oh well, at least youre not making those unsettling gestures...**

**JADE: john...**

**JADE: what are you doing?**

**JOHN: nothing!**

**JADE: i hope youre not entertaining some awkward train of thought about, uh...**

**JOHN: no!**

**JADE: what is with you?**

**JADE: today is your birthday, youre supposed to be having fun!**

**JADE: but youve been so testy, as if youre committed to not having a good time**

**JOHN: well, maybe i'm just getting a little tired of being stuck on this lame boat!**

**JOHN: don't you think it's gotten kind of old?**

**JADE: yeah, i can see how you might find it a little slow here**

**JADE: i dunno, i havent minded much... maybe its different for me though because i used to live all alone?**

**JOHN: oh sure, i'm sure it's GREAT for you. you get to spend your days smooching and breaking up with dave sprite and what not, and you can shrink down to any old planet you feel like, any time. whereas i have to make this whole big deal of ASKING you to shrink or unshrink me, and...**

**JADE: but i dont mind doing that any time!**

**JOHN: i know, but you think i want to bug you about that at the drop of a hat? when you're busy and on dates and stuff? i just happen to have respect for something called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, jade.**

**JOHN: and it's not like there's really anyone else to talk to, except the inscrutable chess people and a bunch of brainless consorts and an idiot cat princess. oh and also nanna, but i mean, she's my grandmother, and she's great, but a guy can only spend so much quality time with his grandmother before he starts to feel like kind of a loser whose friends are too busy to spend time with him!**

**JADE: john... if you told me this earlier i would have...**

**JOHN: and i still never visit any interesting dream bubbles, and we can't even finish our cool planet quests because the moment we broke through the window all our denizens decided to go back to sleep, and...**

**JOHN: i guess what i'm saying is, i'm MORE than ready to get to the other window and meet our friends and other new people and stuff.**

**JOHN: are you sure you can't make the ship go faster?**

**JADE: were already going as fast as i can make us go**

**JOHN: and how fast is that again?**

**JADE: about the speed of light!**

**JOHN: well, can't you use your space powers and bump it up a notch?**

**JADE: no! nothing can go faster than light john**

**JADE: unless you teleport of course**

**JOHN: and why can't you teleport us again?**

**JADE: i already explained this! i cant do that here, its not within the domain of the green sun which gives me those powers!**

**JOHN: is that why we can't go faster than light either?**

**JADE: no thats just a regular law of physics! jeez**

**JOHN: ok, i mean, i know that. but this isn't really a regular place, right?**

**JOHN: isn't the speed of light like a thousand miles a second? so what does that really mean here? are miles and seconds the same here as on earth? how does this nonsense dimension we're racing through jive with all the relativity mumbo jumbo?**

**JADE: ok first of all, thats not even close to the speed of light**

**JADE: light travels at a hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second no matter what frame of reference youre in... even this one!**

**JADE: second of all special relativity and comparing laws of physics between different frames of reference, those are tricky issues to talk about!**

**JADE: but id be more than happy to talk about them if youd like. actually i would enjoy that because i never really get to talk about science wi...**

**JOHN: no, i don't want to talk about physics! i don't know anything about the laws of physics, because they are hard and boring.**

**JOHN: i simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! is that really asking too much?**

**JADE: yes as a matter of fact it is!**

**JOHN: well, guess what? SCIENCE IS STUPID BULLSHIT!**

**JADE: you take that back!**

**JOHN: no.**

**JOHN: magic is awesome.**

**JOHN: science blows.**

**JOHN: the end.**

**JADE: john...**

**JADE: what is that?**

John opened his eyes.

**JOHN: what?**

**JADE: under your hood...**

**JADE: looks like a piece of paper stuck to your back?**

**JOHN: huh?**

He reached behind him and took the piece of paper.

**my darling son**

**if you are reading this it means you finally came to your senses on a way shitty movie. by realizing cage sucks you have taken your first and biggest step toward not being a total embarrassment to the egbert family name. speaking of which you might want to crack into one of my metric fucking tons of shaving cream i have for some reason and bust - - OVER**

**JOHN: oh god dammit.**

He flipped the note over.

**that nigh invisible teen stache before it starts to become a problem. egbert men dont cotton to whiskers as you know good and god damn well. i didnt bust my fatherly ass to raise no bigfoot. im proud as shit youre my son or whatever. next stop: figuring out mcconaughey is trash. you can do it junior.**

**JOHN: STRIIIIIIDEEEERRRRRRRR!**

He crumpled the paper in his hand.

**JOHN: THAT BASTARD!**

**JADE: what?**

**JOHN: THIS IS TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS.**

**JADE: what is it?**

**JOHN: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.**

**JOHN: IT IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!**

**JOHN: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!**

John stormed over to the door.

**JADE: where are you going?**

**JOHN: I'M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS!**

**JADE: what! john, no...**

**JOHN: POSING AS MY DEAD FATHER BY MIMICKING ONE OF HIS GREAT FATHERLY NOTES HE USED TO HIDE AROUND THE HOUSE?**

**JOHN: AND ON THE TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY HE WAS SLAIN BY JACK NOIR, A *FACT* OF WHICH THAT CHEEKY ORANGE ASSHOLE IS PLAINLY AWARE?**

**JOHN: THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR DAVE SPRITE!**

He opened the door.

**JADE: ok yes, that practical joke is in poor taste, but you should try to calm down and...**

**JOHN: NO, SCREW THAT, I AM SUPER PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS!**

**JOHN: THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS, AND THAT IS WITH AN OLD FASHIONED BEATDOWN.**

**JOHN: WHERE'S MY HAMMER!**

**JADE: um**

**JADE: which one?**

**JOHN: ANY OLD HAMMER!**

**JOHN: WHATEVER. IT COULD BE A HAMMER FROM THE BARGAIN BIN OF A HARDWARE STORE FOR ALL I CARE.**

**JOHN: JUST GIVE ME ANYTHING THAT'S FIT FOR CLOBBERING A GHOST BOTTOMED DICK FACE WHO'S ALSO A BIRD.**

**JADE: sigh**

John jumped up and down on the edge of the platform his house was on angrily, yelling at the sky.

**JOHN: I'M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE!**

**JOHN: DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGICAL SON OF A BITCH? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!**

**JOHN: THAT STUNT WASN'T COOL! *YOU'RE* NOT COOL!**

**JOHN: LIKE IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH YOU DUMPED JADE FOR NO REASON. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!**

**JOHN: YOU AND JADE WERE OUR ROCK ON THIS SHIP! YOU HEAR ME? OUR ROOOOOOOOCK!**

**JADE: :|**

**JOHN: AND NOW *THIS* BULLSHIT? WHAT THE HELL, MAN.**

**JOHN: I DON'T GO AROUND LEAVING FAKE PUZZLES FOR YOU LIKE FROM THE MOVIE SAW, DO I? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME SAY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME EVEN *ONCE*? WELL, HAVE YOU?**

**JOHN: NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD STIR UP PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A DEARLY DEPARTED LOVED ONE, AND THEREFORE WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY OF ME!**

**JOHN: HEY! I SEE YOU THERE! **

**JOHN: GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW, WISE GUY! **

**JOHN: OH NO, DON'T PLAY DUMB. I CAN SEE YOU PLAIN AS DAY. I'M ON TO YOU, BUDDY. **

**JOHN: STOP VAGUELY WATERMARKING THE SKY WITH YOUR SMUG DOUCHEY FACE THIS INSTANT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!**

**JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP! THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE WAY LESS OF A TOOL. NICE GOING BRO! **

**JOHN: EVERYONE ON THIS BOAT IS SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FLY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE? **

**JOHN: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MUCH MORE OF A PRICK THAN THE REAL DAVE? YOU ARE THE MOST PISS POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A BEST FRIEND A GUY EVER HAD. **

**JOHN: I CAN'T *WAIT* TO MEET UP WITH THE REAL DAVE AGAIN. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO THE AWESOME STATUS QUO OF PRETENDING YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! **

**JADE: john...**

**JADE: theres no one there**

John sat down in the driveway and pointed off into the sky.

**JOHN: oh he's THERE alright.**

**JOHN: he's probably just using some sprite magic so only i can see him.**

**JOHN: don't you see, jade? he's antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he's done with you, remember?**

**JOHN: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures.**

**JADE: what pastures**

**JOHN: it's me.**

**JOHN: I'M the pastures.**

**JOHN: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh.**

**JADE: what**

**JADE: wasnt i supposed to be the mule?**

**JADE: i dont think i understand your analogy**

**JOHN: no, you see, it's...**

**JOHN: the mule represented, like...**

**JOHN: i don't know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something.**

**JADE: ...**

**JOHN: augh, WHO CAAARES.**

**JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite's stupid ephemeral sky visage. **

**JOHN: who cares about anything! **

**JOHN: who cares about my birthday, or nic cage, or this boat full of idiots. **

**JOHN: JUST. **

**JOHN: WHO. **

**JOHN: CARES. **

**JADE: john i think youre officially throwing a tantrum here**

**JADE: ...**

**JADE: john?**

John laid down and screwed his eyes shut.

**JADE: john...**

There was no response.

**JADE: are you asleep?**

**JADE: please dont tell me you just fell asleep in your driveway**

To be continued in Book 13: Void


	211. (Yeah I'm Andrew Hussie)

So I guess we've made it this far. Twelve books huh? Well... _I've_ made it this far at least. No one seems to care much and What Pumpkin people aren't happy with it because it detracts from my time spent on the adventure game. But it's PRETTY understandable why my fans don't seem to care because why look at some words on a page when you can see images of it as it happens?

I'm not saying anything on MSPA itself, but I'm really just Andrew Hussie, sadly enough. I haven't just been working on Hiveswap, I've been typing up Openbound again, which is a feat in itself. I mean, not the logs. THOSE are saved in my archive. But the actual "Meenah went here" "Meenah went there" crap as well as the adaptation from being other characters to simply them moving around on their own. Basically turning it from a game to a story. That was pretty time consuming and to be honest I really have no idea why I'm even doing this when there's work to be done on the comic itself. But in the coming month or two, I'll be typing this up in my free time between game dev sessions. (I'm sure my team can handle it. They're a pretty cool bunch.) Then I'll start working on the final animations.

Thanks also to Toby "Radiation" Fox, who composed three albums worth of mediocre to shitty music to fit the faux person we invented, the fifteen year old Aris Martinian from Boston, Massachusetts. So yeah he slapped together some free music and put it on the 3277 bandcamp. (Don't ask why we chose that number. That's a long story.) To fit with that, it's become a running joke of ours at What Pumpkin to run a tumblr blog by said faux person: ostrichlittledungeon. (Don't ask about this one either.) It has nothing to do with pumpkins, I swear. Aris has been a long running invention of ours that no one has discovered, and yet here they are, coming to light once and for all, in the most undercover way possible. BOOYEAH. So yeah. Good to get that off my chest after so long. If I'm feeling particularly altruistic I might post a link to this chapter on r/homestuck (through Aris of course) and watch the chaos that ensues. Maybe in a couple of days.

-"Morn"


	212. (Yeah no I'm not Hussie haha)

;)


	213. LUCKY BR8K ANNOUNCEMENT

The update schedule I posted a couple of months ago has been rendered null and void (hehe) due to my underestimation of the length of Act 6 Intermission 3. I did not expect it to be 20 chapters long, and yet that is how long it turned out to be. I expected that Book 13 would include Act 6 Act 4, Act 6 Intermission 4, and the beginning of Act 6 Act 5. Unfortunately, due to the length of Openbound, only Act 6 Act 4 got included, and only as the very last chapter.

The new schedule is a more comprehensive one, with a wider vision of the enormity of this project.

Book 13 is sixteen chapters long. It will be uploaded, one chapter at a time, over the next sixteen days. At that point, there will be what I'm calling the Lucky Br8k, a hiatus until I have my shit together through the beginning of Act 6 Act 6. I have absolutely no fucking clue how long this will take. Anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few months. I may just decide to post on Christmas as a sort of "Homestuck Holiday special". Whatever. We'll see.

So yeah, the next couple of weeks will be a slurry of updates. And then... silence. And then another slurry of updates that I will tell you about as we approach the Lucky Unbr8k.


	214. Book 13 Chapter 1: Cronus and Mituna

Book 13: Void

Chapter 1: Cronus and Mituna

Meenah walked through Karkat's memory of his neighborhood, stopping to knock on a door. No one answered. She looked around. Aside from all the violence, Alternian culture seemed like it must have been pretty similar to life on Beforus, lawn rings and all. Then again, as a spoiled runaway princess, she never did spend much time in the burbs, so what did she know. Look, there was a hose. No self-respecting Alternian troll kid would dare keep a dry, unwatered lawn ring. Letting the grass outside your hive turn yellow was just begging to get yourself culled. Harsh, but fair, she thought. God, life on Alternia had been so great. And over there! An ordinary domestic dross coffer. It was full of smelly garbage, but it hadn't been dragged outside the ring yet. Maybe the waste collection drone wasn't scheduled to make a pickup that night?

Eh, whatever. Meenah stuck her hands in her pockets and walked between the hives… hey, what was that? Nearby floated a seahorse. The hovering maritime stallion issued a stern, fatherly neigh. Oh, of course. It was Cronus's lusus. And there he was.

**CRONUS: wvell vwell wvelvlw...**

**MEENAH: …**

**CRONUS: GLO8ES.**

**MEENAH: wha ****#38?**

**CRONUS: i sawv you vwalking my vway, and i had this smooth line all ready to go.**

**CRONUS: but for some reason i decided to open it vwith a tongue tvwister?**

**CRONUS vwery nice ampora, starting your killer line with three consecutivwe 'W' vwords in a rowv. ****#W's are hard #theyre hard and no one understands #(V's too)**

**MEENAH: what uh**

**MEENAH: was your killer pickup line goin to be**

**MEENAH: or should i ask ****#no**

**CRONUS: sigh, nevwer evwen MIND, its so ruined nowv. ****#just nevwer EVWEN**

**CRONUS: i just sawv you strutting in my direction, vwith all of your impressivwe moxy and confidence, for the first time in, howv long?**

**CRONUS: and i got a little excited. i vwas going to blowv you out of the vwater vwith that line, but, i guess nothings changed?**

**MEENAH: guess not**

**MEENAH: sounds like youre still the bard of tries too hard**

**CRONUS: oh, nice. you alvways knewv howv to tvwist the fork.**

**CRONUS: actually, all you girls are quite adept at tvwisting your respectivwe utensils. ****#utensilkind**

**CRONUS: the guys too, now that i think about it. can i ask you a question? why do all you pretentious scenester types enjoy being so cruel to especially sensitivwe and artistic people?**

**MEENAH: so i take it even after a billion sweeps here with a boat load of eligible spook shorties to mack on**

**MEENAH: you still never got any action**

**CRONUS: first you tvwist the fork, then you use it to pry into my personal life? thats really just so svwell of you, meenah.**

**CRONUS: vwithout commenting specifically on that, (because seriously, VWHAT? so rude), i vwill say that it gets vwery frustrating after the first fewv epochs trying to make heads or tails vwhat people are evwen LOOKING for. i mean, in ANY quadrant.**

**CRONUS: nowv, please don't tell anyone i said so, but you and i both knowv pretty much all these people should feel honored to go out vwith a guy like me.**

**CRONUS: vwhat being royalty and all, and not evwen slightly put off by dating dowvn on the spectrum. i mean, really, howv much more evwident can i make it to evweryone that im really a cool, progressivwe, easy going dude, vwho doesnt take the social order seriously or buy into any of the stereotypes? first of all, as if the hemospectrum scene isnt 8EYOND played out. ****#you should be sticking your fork in THAT**

**CRONUS: i barely EVWER evwen bring up my high social status. it couldnt be LESS of a big deal to me, but i think people maybe are still intimidated by it? theyre probably putting me on a pedestal, in spite of all my easy going assurances that my royal lineage is something i nevwer evwen think about. like, no friend, i am just like you. vwe laugh at the same jokes, listen to, vwell, to some extent, the same music…** **#i at least USED to listen to music you like #does that count?**

**CRONUS: all these cats and kittens, im telling you. theyre alvways drawvn to the freaks and rejects. you havwe to be 8ROKEN in some vway to get a little concupiscent attention.** **#cats #kittens #freaks #rejects #broken**

**CRONUS: they nevwer seem to givwe the time of day to a guy vwhos sensitivwe, and listens to people, and sticks to his poetry and music, and i guess... just someone vwho tries to be there for them.** **#senstivwe #listens #poetry #music #there for them**

**CRONUS: hovwevwer, the bright side of my vwarious rejections is that is has helped me craft a privwate list of people vwho are objectivwely fucking terrible, vwhich id be happy to share vw…**

**CRONUS: meenah? vwhered you go?**

**CRONUS: crud, she vwalked avway vwhile i vwas saying stuff.**

**CRONUS: really blewv that one in record time.**

Meenah walked over to a nearby door and inspected it closely. There were four locks on it, each in the shape of a quadrant symbol. She picked up the diamond one, which was lying nearby, and clicked it into place. Man, this was bullshit. Wait… she hadn't asked Cronus to join her army. Shit. She approached him stridently.

**MEENAH: gonna make this quick**

**MEENAH: and this aint like a diving board for you to launch off about your feelins and romprobs**

**MEENAH: just gimme a straight answer**

**MEENAH: im gettin a posse together to kill an invincible monster you want in y/n ****#yolo #even though #you can die twice #w/e**

**CRONUS: vwhoa, NICE. just got here, and youre already going diabolical, thats the tops.**

**CRONUS: id lovwe to help. you knowv howv i lovwe to help out, and be there for attractivwe people. thats kind of my thing?**

**CRONUS: but…**

**MEENAH: ugh here we go**

**CRONUS: meenah, i just dont think im in that kind of space nowv in my life. or afterlife, i mean.**

**MEENAH: what space**

**CRONUS: an aggressivwe space. ivwe been trying to cool it, be more introspectivwe, search my feelings, vwork on my music. ****#grease my hair**

**CRONUS: i dont think id be much good in a fight. ivwe been trying to get in touch vwith vwho, or i guess vwhat, i really am, and i think ivwe been making some nice breakthroughs.**

**CRONUS: im telling you this in confidence, but i think im approaching a kind of avwakening, especially since i first started learning about humans. i think i actually might be…**

**MEENAH: nope**

**MEENAH: nope nope nope nopenopenope ****#uh uh**

**MEENAH: stop saying whatever that was do not care**

**CRONUS: youre right, i shouldnt burden you vwith my problems.**

**CRONUS: forget i said anything. i vwouldnt vwant to compromise our friendship, not evwen to speak of the potential for us to devwelop into something more than just friends. ****#by vwhich i mean twvo people vwho freely engage in sexual intercourse**

**CRONUS: oh, RIGHT. you asked me howv my music vwas going these days, didnt you?**

**MEENAH: no**

**CRONUS: its going pretty nicely, i think. been messing vwith dual sawvtooth vwavweforms, i think i really could be hitting on my signature sound. ****#if not my signature shape at the vwery least**

**CRONUS: here, listen to this track. i vwrote it in anticipation of your arrivwal.**

He held out a small music player for her to press play on. There was a piece of tape on it that read "punkin cravwings [bubstep mix]"

**MEENAH: not clickin that**

**um, i see. then, vwhat about...**

"punkin party in sea hispters vwater apocalypse"

**MEENAH: nah**

"lunar lust"

"aquasex renegade"

"less pale more pail"

**MEENAH: ew ****#creep**

**CRONUS: vwait... i probably shouldnt havwe showvn you those. ok, hold on. i knowv i havwe something here youll dig.**

"giwve him another look"

"under your fins all along"

"vwe put the us in royals flushed"

**MEENAH: so that was a no to my invite then**

**MEENAH: which got rescinded halfway thru this convo anyways**

**MEENAH: time to jet before you sketch out some more crotimes**

**MEENAH: wait actually before i go**

**MEENAH: you seen krabkat mcshouty anywhere**

**CRONUS: oh, the vwantas lookalike?**

**CRONUS: yeah he came by this vway. i tried to start a friendly convwersation vwith him, but he just flipped me off and locked himself in that hivwe up there. ****#barely evwen had the chance to hit on him #so rude**

**CRONUS: looks like he conjured the memory of some sort of complicated puzzle door from some ancient ruins. i tried to open it but it looks totally impossible. the kid sure knovws howv to givwe a guy the cold shoulder.**

**CRONUS: vwhat do you vwant vwith him anyvway?**

**MEENAH: nofin bye**

**CRONUS: ah. i see howv it is. cronus gets the shaft, vwhile you scurry avway to flirt vwith some infantile loudmouth. vwhy am i not surprised?**

**CRONUS: guess im neither mentally unstable or a big enough asshole to catch your eye. no big deal, ill just record my feelings on the subject through a bit of slam poetry and bubble my sorrowvs throughout the... and, yep. looks like im talking to myself again. shes gone.**

**MEENAH: the keys the keys i need the glubbin keys**

She continued through the neighborhood, knocking on a door as she passed it. BANG BANG BANG!

**MEENAH: is anymoby home**

Of course no one was. Most of these hives were just memory projections. She opened a nearby chest to… find a bunch of sea dweller bling. It was pretty obvious this all belonged to Cronus over there. He just wasn't wearing it right now so he could convince everyone he didn't feel like his royalty status was a big deal, even though he did. She had no problem whatsoever selling this shit to the highest bidder though. She pocketed the gaudy loot while giggling.

She opened another chest, which contained Ahab's crosshairs! She raised the awesome legendary weapon to the heavens and watched it sparkle a bit… just before she brought it down on her knee and snapped it in half, while laughing maniacally. She heard a muffled sob from Ampora's direction.

Pressing onwards, she found herself crossing a bridge, hand on the railing. Suddenly, a grinding noise behind her prompted her to lift her hand and Mituna Captor flew past on a skateboard, falling off the edge and doing a faceplant into the ground. She walked over to where he lay.

**MEENAH: hey bro**

**MEENAH: pretty nice stunt there**

**MEENAH: i woulda offered you a highfive but you sorta wouldve missed ****#by about ten feet**

Mituna sat up.

**MITUNA: W4HH FFFF 5H17H1H7 5H17 ****#FFFFFFFFFFFTHTFHTFTHFF**

**MEENAH: uh its cool g dont wig out**

**MEENAH: just take a rain check on it**

**MEENAH: more hand slaps where that came from you know?**

**MITUNA: N0 L37H5 D00 7H1G5**

**MITUNA: GR0D**

He flipped out and fell over.

**MITUNA: D344NM 17 1 F3L3L D0WN 4G41N ****#LKGH;V451D4031NJDN01GP3**

**MEENAH: uh no seriously**

**MEENAH: forget the highfive i dont wanna be responsible for you hurtin yourself**

**MITUNA: G00 F1LL37 UR N00K**

**MEENAH: dude you are foul and unpleasant as ever**

**MEENAH: thought dyin might have took the edge off but guess not**

**MITUNA: K17H5 MY CH4GR1N 7UNK3L Y0U 5N4NK 4ZZ CHUM8UCK357**

**MEENAH: man why you got to hate**

**MEENAH: and listen bro you better watch it with your slurs ****#or tag em at least**

**MEENAH: unless you want kankri giving you tha biz**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**MEENAH: ill keep this quick**

**MEENAH: come right out and ask**

**MEENAH: you ever get god tier tunaboy**

**MITUNA: WH4H47**

He looked down.

**MITUNA: N0G3**

**MITUNA: M4Y83 1 M347**

**MITUNA: 1 D0N7 D0N7 ****#?/?/5**

**MEENAH: okaaay**

**MEENAH: look take off your rad shirt deal and lemme see if you got wings**

**MITUNA: 3H3HH3H7H37H37H3 YY35**

**MITUNA: 7H0NGH7 Y0DU N3V3R 45K**

**MITUNA: 817HCH 4C4M3 4R0UN57 70 MY W1L135 MU7H4FUCK5! ****#W1L135 #MUH #FUX**

**MITUNA: W417 H3LUP ****#!**

**MITUNA: H3LP H0W D01 74K3 0FF MY CL07H37H 4G41N? ****#8(**

**MEENAH: yeah keep your shirt on you made that exchange beyond awful**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**MEENAH: you know of anyone else who might be god tier in secret**

**MITUNA: N08U7 1 CL0UD GR0G4N1Z3 4 8088L3 W1D3 57HR1P534RCH**

**MITUNA: 574R71NG W17H Y0U0 3H37H3H3737H3 ****#800Y34H!**

**MEENAH: you are**

**MEENAH: the worst**

**MEENAH: but oh hey**

**MEENAH: hey tuna you want to help me go kill haha i cant even finish this question while staying serious**

**MITUNA: N0 8U7H WH47 1 D0 W4NK**

**MITUNA: 17H 70 M4N741N7 PR3C4R10U5 8U7 M057HL3Y 5U5741N3D 84L4NC3 0N MY 71GH7 4ZZ F4LLD0WN 5L47**

**MITUNA: M4YF3 GR1N D0N 50M3 5H17** **#5P0RN75**

**MEENAH: what will you grind on**

**MITUNA: 1 V0LUN733R**

**MITUNA: 7H47 7H1NG 70 83**

**MITUNA: U0YU0U**

**MEENAH: gross bro**

**MEENAH: dunno how latula even deals**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**MITUNA: 8U73 4L50**

**MITUNA: FUCH Y0UR 4ND Y0UR FUCKY CHUMPHY 5UCKYFUCK FR0NGHUMPH1NG 8R1ND3 573M R1G7H UP3 Y0UR 5H17F7Y PH3L5M504K3D PR083CHU7H3 71L7 1Z 5UCK 4ZZ 8171CH 15 5UCKKY 5UCHY FUCK37Y 5UCKH0L3 FUCKY FCUK3Y FUCK FUCK FUCK ****#!**

**MEENAH: holy mackerel**

**MEENAH: them was sick fires mostly ****#at least the parts that were actual words**

**MEENAH: hey isnt the afterlife supposed to heal people or**

**MEENAH: i dont understand**

**MEENAH: why is it that pyrope still cant smell**

**MEENAH: and you still got horrible brain problems ****#dont tell me leijons still deaf**

**MEENAH: i give up on figuring out the existential mysteries**

**MITUNA: W4D3R**

**MEENAH: ) (-EY FUCK YOU!**

Suddenly, someone cleared their throat. Meenah looked around to see absolutely no one.

**KANKRI: I feel I sh9uld jump in here at this m9ment, 6ef9re this escalates any further, and we start thr9wing ar9und hateful rhet9ric that we can't take 6ack.**

**MEENAH: ****#aw shell no**

**KANKRI: Mituna, I kn9w y9u 9ften struggle with this, 6ut y9u just used an extremely der9gat9ry and hurtful caste-specific slur, which as y9u pr96a6ly kn9w was 9nce c9mm9nly used t9 disparage sea-dwelling mem6ers 9f 9ur s9ciety, 9r land-dwelling castes wh9 were especially c9mplicit in furthering the 9ppressive Fuscia-D9wn p9wer structure. N9w, we all need t9 realize that R9yal-Vs and th9se rare few wh9 are even higher such as Meenah, as mem6ers 9f the arist9cracy enj9y a tremend9us p9siti9n 9f privilege 9ver 9thers, and theref9re we cann9t view such ver6al transgressi9ns against them as equivalent t9 th9se targeting the underprivileged, 6ut it needs t9 6e p9inted 9ut that such radi9active language is a6s9lutely the w9rst kind 9f well-p9is9ning which is n9thing 6ut c9unterpr9ductive when 9thers are trying t9 pursue an h9nest dial9gue a69ut critically imp9rtant s9cial pr96lems.** **#slurs #hurtful #struggle #radi9active #well p9is9ning #c9unterpr9ductive #pr96lems**

**MITUNA: ...,...**

**KANKRI: And Meenah, while I can understand y9ur frustrati9n 9ver 6eing ver6ally assaulted under any circumstance, it is incum6ent 9n me t9 remind y9u that Mituna requires a certain am9unt 9f special c9nsiderati9n and m9re than a little patience. Please try t9 resist taking his 6ait, which I'm guessing is m9stly well intended(?), 6ef9re its c9ntenti9us undert9w pulls y9u further int9 an exchange laden with deeply pr96lematic expressi9ns 9f a6leism, a6leist slurs, and 9ther such manifestati9ns 9f unc9nsci9na6ly unchecked a6ility privilege. ****#a6leism #a6ility privelege #6ait #undert9w #are the aquatic terms helping?**

**MEENAH: vantas what the actual fuck are you doing here**

**MEENAH: how are you even in this chat yo**

**MEENAH: you arent even remotely in the same corporeal vicinity as us like i literally do not understand how you just jumped into the conversation like that**

**MEENAH: can you maybe get lost? ****#make like a clam and scray**

**KANKRI: 9n the 9ther hand, if I'm 6eing h9nest, I've f9und Mituna's entire existence t9 6e a pretty pr96lematic impediment t9 the advancement and 9verall awareness 9f a6leism and its painful manif9ld c9nsequences f9r una6ilitied pers9ns. The speech impediment, frankly, I c9uld d9 with9ut, and I'm 6y n9 means ecstatic 9ver his t9rrential 6ig9try and h9stility. 9n the 9ne hand, I want t9 6e sensitive t9 him as a pers9n and as a friend, 6ut 9n the 9ther, what kind 9f message d9es his 6ehavi9r send? And frankly, I'm n9t crazy a69ut the helmet, either.**

**MITUNA: W4LT5 WR00NG W17H MY H4ML37 8(**

**KANKRI: N9thing, friend, it's a really c99l helmet and it's a g99d l99k f9r y9u. 6ut are we n9w t9 assume that all th9se wh9 are stricken with y9ur particular disadvantage9n will 6e similarly pr9ne t9 require such headgear, due t9 falling d9wn and hitting their heads frequently?**

**MITUNA: 8U7H 1 D0 F4LL D0WN 4ND H157 MY H34D FR3QUN3UN74NY**

**KANKRI: 9h, I kn9w y9u d9, and I think y9u sh9uld c9ntinue wearing it f9r y9ur safety, particularly if y9u c9ntinue t9 insist 9n fl9undering a69ut 9n y9ur danger9us t9y. It's m9re a69ut the unf9rtunate message y9u are sending 9verall, with certain aspects 9f y9ur pers9nality and existence, that's all.**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**KANKRI: As a friend, I w9uldn't want t9 change anything a69ut y9u, well, n9t m9st things. I just think y9u may n9t 6e d9ing y9urself 9r th9se wh9 are similarly disadvantaged any fav9rs with, what I'm h9ping, is a perfectly inn9cent array 9f traits and mannerisms. 8ut again, I say this with all due sensitivity.**

**MEENAH: vantas youre being a shit dont talk about him like that**

**KANKRI: Anyway, I didn't mean t9 derail. I'll 6e 9n my way. Please c9ntinue y9ur discussi9n, and try t9 keep s9me 9f the issues I descri6ed at length in mind.**

**MEENAH: i hate all of my friends so fucking much**


	215. Book 13 Chapter 2: Species Dysph9ria

Chapter 2: Species Dysph9ria

Mituna stood up and walked away, and Meenah continued down the streets.

Mituna discovered a chest and opened it curiously. Inside was a key shaped like a club. He picked it up and stashed it in his pocket. He walked back the way Meenah had come, discovering the door. And Cronus. He tried to put the club key into the heart lock but it didn't fit. Then he tried it in the spade lock.

**MITUNA: WH4U7 TH3F FUCK**

**MITUNA: US3LS3SS**

He tossed it on the ground and walked over to Cronus.

**CRONUS: hey, chief. looking good today. is that a newv helmet?**

**MITUNA: N0 U FUCFK7H7H7HHH #1GLVNWLDN01Z1XJ01N0V4**

**CRONUS: easy there, it vwas a joke. of course its not a newv helmet. vwhat, do you think im retar... um, short on common sense?**

**MITUNA: N0**

**CRONUS: did you see meenah go by?**

**MITUNA: N0**

**CRONUS: she vwent that vway, didnt she?**

**MITUNA: N0**

**CRONUS: are you sure?**

**MITUNA: N0**

**CRONUS: listen mate, i dont mean to call you a liar, but i sawv her vwalk up to you. ****#liar**

**MITUNA: N0 ****#N0**

**CRONUS: i vwas spying on both of you from behind the hivwe ovwer there. i sawv you do a seriously groovwy face plant off the railing.**

**MITUNA: N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0 N0** **#N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0 #N0**

**CRONUS: hahaha. youre really priceless, captor. havwe i evwer told you vwhat a cool cat i think you are?**

**MITUNA: WHY 4R3 Y0U 70UCH1N9 M3?**

**CRONUS: i really feel like youre one of the only people i can open up to about my feelings. i guess it really does help to confide in someone vwho basically lacks the ability to repeat vwhat you say vwith any clarity or coherence, or evwen understand vwhat you said in the first place.**

**MITUNA: Y0UR3 571LL 70UCH1NG M3 4ND 1 D0N7 UND3R574ND WHY 7H15 15 H4PP3PP1NG**

**CRONUS: but truth be told, i alvways felt that vway about you before you evwen started havwing, vwell, your issues. vwe alvways had a good thing together, didnt vwe?**

**MITUNA: 1 D0N7 W4N7 Y0UR H4ND 7H3R3**

**CRONUS: dont get me vwrong, i knowv you and latula are in a vwery committed matespritship, though lets face facts, she could obvwiously do better. and i mean much better. really she is just in a totally different league, she is charming and gorgeous, vwhereas you are, vwell... you, unfortunately. and i vwouldnt dare to intrude on your longstanding moirallegiance vwith kurloz, and not because he scares the shit out of me either. that just really seems to vwork, you and him, doesnt it? i dont get a peep out of him of course, not evwen if im super nice and compliment his hideous hair, and obvwiously i receivwe nothing but disgusting horseshit out of your mouth evwery time you open it. but you seem to bring good qualities out of each other, no? is it true, the rumor that you are actually lucid vwhen you talk to him, instead of behavwing like a babbling, vwertigo stricken imbecile?**

**MITUNA: WHY W0N7 7H3 W31RD 70UCH1NG 570P ****#8(**

**CRONUS: but vwhat im trying to say is, you dont judge like the others. vwell, ok, you do, but i cant really take your vwitriol that seriously because you are so obvwiously retar... reticent vwith your true emotions. like for instance, vwho could i confide in vwhen i began to fully come to terms vwith this feeling deep inside that i vwas actually a human "born" in the body of a troll, but nevwer realized it until learning about the humans? nobody. except you, of course. you dont care that i am humankin. you dont mock me for it and trivwialize my tragic existence. vwell, you do, but the point im trying to make is that vwhen you mock me it doesnt actually mean anything, because evwerything you say is such putrid nonsense. ****#friendship**

**MITUNA: 1 W4N7 7H47 Y0UR H4ND 70 N07 83 0N MY 80DY PL3453**

**CRONUS: vwhat? no, come on guy. im just givwing you a friendly little shoulder massage, vwith one hand, like this. see? in a vway that seems vwery casual, like "bros" do. please dont make this more awvkvward than it needs to be.**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**CRONUS: i forgivwe you.**

**CRONUS: nowv hold that thought. im going to see if i can go catch up vwith meenah. dont followv me, because obvwiously youre going to cramp my style. hovw does my hair look? nevwer mind, you dont knowv vwhat youre talking about, ill just use your reflectivwe vwisor to check myself out. yes, looking great. ****#coolscar**

**MITUNA: C4N 1 C0M3 W17H Y0U**

**CRONUS: jeepers, youre a thick headed fella. i just told you to stay put. im going to try out some especially bold movwes on peixes ovwer there, really put out the vwibe, you dig? i dont think i need to remind you that your presence vwill be like spraying the area vwith libidocide. **

**MITUNA: WH47**

**CRONUS: uh, beforus to captor. hello, this is mission control, is anything getting through that helmet? i am saying that your presence is sexual poison, and if you are drooling nearby vwhile i chat her up, she vwill become distracted and havwe trouble picturing me naked. as a vwing man, i must say, you are a true fucking disgrace. ****#true #fucking #disgrace**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY ****#8(**

**CRONUS: please stop apologizing so much, its really unattractivwe. at this point evwen IM not sure if i vwant to sleep vwith you.**

**CRONUS: nowv before i go, i just need to think of a good vway to break the ice. oh, ivwe got it! ill open vwith some jokes about howv hilarious it vwas vwhen you fell on your face ovwer there, and vwhat absolutely incredible fuckup you are on evwery levwel.**

**CRONUS: thank you for the inspiration, friend.**

**CRONUS: oh, i almost forgot. ivwe been vworking on a song i think you might...**

**MITUNA: Y0UR MU51C 15 5H17 4ND 1 FUCK1NG H473 Y0U**

**CRONUS: wowv, hahaha. fair enough.**

**CRONUS: really, thats totally fair. hurtful beyond my ability to capture vwith language, but fair.**

**CRONUS: but seriously, stay here. im going to go vwork my "magic" on peixes. not literally of course, because as i learned through a series of crushing revwelations during my adolescence, magic isnt real. ****#just so OVWER the vwizarding scene**

**CRONUS: vwait here, try not to fall dowvn, and ABOVWE ALL, try not to be seen.**

**MITUNA: 4LR1GH7H**

Mituna smiled.

Cronus straightened out his shirt and walked through the community and across the bridge, running to catch up with Meenah. But after finding himself in a little clearing at the edge of the Alternian neighborhood, he realized that Meenah must have gone. Gone where? No idea. He stormed back to where Mituna was.

**CRONUS: HEY! i thought i told you to stay put.**

**MITUNA: W7HF7F?**

**CRONUS: i told you to stay here in exactly this spot.**

**MITUNA: 1 D1 ****#D**

**CRONUS: vwell, she vwas gone. SOMEONE must havwe frightened her avway.**

**CRONUS: you must havwe spaced out and vwandered into vwiewv briefly. she probably got one look at you and couldnt split fast enough.**

**MITUNA: N0 1 S7H4Y3D H3R3 L1K3 Y0U 7H41D**

**CRONUS: vwonderful. this is just exactly vwhat i needed, vwhat vwith all my frayed emotions lately. thanks a lot, "buddy."**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**CRONUS: no youre not. youre lying.**

**CRONUS: your vwhole bifurcated demeanor is such an act. half the time you are noxious and incomprehensible, and the other half you are mild and contrite? sure, "PAL."**

**CRONUS: as if im not SO on to you. you only pretend to say youre sorry to get girls to like you more. sure seems like pyropes a sucker for the ruse. like im not familiar vwith THOSE tactics. vwho do you think vwrote the book on that?**

**MITUNA: 1 D0N7 NK0W W0W WR073 7H3 800K**

**CRONUS: be quiet. i really dislike the sound of you.**

**CRONUS: do you realize because of you, it may be EPOCHS before i get another shot vwith her? you just had to crawvl out of the bushes and shit your space suit in plain sight.**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**CRONUS: i said shut up. do you havwe any idea vwhat a man of my class vwould do if a mustard blood like you spoke to me this vway on alternia? honestly, sometimes i think i vwas hatched in the vwrong univwerse, let ALONE the vwrong body.**

**CRONUS: i am so sick of havwing to pretend to treat you vwith the dignity you vwouldnt deservwe evwen if you COULD count the scars on my forehead. you couldnt tell me the ansvwer if i asked vwhat your favworite number vwas.**

**MITUNA: 7W0!11!111!1111111**

**CRONUS: dont interrupt. youre a horrible friend and a horrible person.**

Mituna looked at his feet.

**CRONUS: latula is only vwith you out of pity. she doesnt havwe real feelings for you. no one could.**

**CRONUS:you are a brain damaged reject on a team full of rejects. a rejects reject. i vwould havwe culled you myself if that vword meant vwhat it should havwe on our planet.**

**MEENAH: A) (-EM**

**CRONUS: vwhoah uh**

**CRONUS: meenah!**

**CRONUS: vwowv... hmm.**

**CRONUS: VWOWV**

**CRONUS: howv long uh...**

**CRONUS: vwere you standing there?**

**MEENAH: douche**

She walked over to the door and slammed the club key into the club lock. Cronus walked over to her unsteadily.

**MEENAH: yo that was some scuzzy repartee there even for you crodog**

**CRONUS: the last thing my feelings need is your harsh judgment. i just cant handle that, on top of evwerything else youvwe done to me.**

**MEENAH: what the fuck else i done to you?**

**CRONUS: you ignored me.**

**MEENAH: ugh**

**CRONUS: this is serious. please dont dismiss my emotions like that.**

**CRONUS: look, i havwe an especially tortured and confused sole. i reelly cant afjord anemone more greef from you. ****#eh #ehhhh?**

**MEENAH: i cannot**

**MEENAH: B-ELI-EV-E**

**MEENAH: you are doing my fish pun thing while youre still tryin to hit on me**

**CRONUS: nyeh. vworth a shot.**

**MEENAH: dont ever say a fish thing again or ill gut you**

**CRONUS: you knowv, youre being a bit hypocritical here, dont you think?**

**MEENAH: what**

**CRONUS: taking me to task for ripping captor a sorely deservwed newv nook.**

**CRONUS: like you arent evwen more guilty of abusing the poor fella.**

**MEENAH: youre such a glubbin liar**

**CRONUS: oh am i?**

**CRONUS: tell me, pray tell, vwho vwas it exactly, in vwhich alternate univwerse, that used growvnup captor as a livwing vwarp drivwe in her spaceship for millenia? ****#helmsman**

**MEENAH: hey that wasnt me**

**MEENAH: i mean**

**MEENAH: not yet… uh**

**MEENAH: alternate ways ****#38|**

**CRONUS: oh sure. no grub sauce on your hands! **

**MEENAH: wow you did it**

**MEENAH: ampora you totally changed my mind about you lets start makin out immediately ****#not**

**CRONUS: just admit it. you havwe it vwithin you to be just as harsh to our behelmeted buddy as i am, if not more. ****#helmchan**

**MEENAH: man**

**MEENAH: a girls gotta have fuel for her pimp ride know what im sayin**

**MEENAH: like**

**MEENAH: i probably took care of him good**

**MEENAH: you know how it is someones gotta take care of the guy anyway**

**MEENAH: and… yeah ****#38(**

**CRONUS: oh, howv the rationalizations begin to flowv vwhen it suits your ovwerinflated ego. so vwery typical of the kind of people vwho reject me. ****#i.e. literally evweryone**

**MEENAH: at least i dont think im an alien**

**CRONUS: vwhat? vwhat are you talking about?**

**MEENAH: look at you all frontin in that stupid getup**

**MEENAH: with your slicked hair and that dumb little wand in your mouth**

**CRONUS: excuse me. its not a vwand. you knovw perfectly vwell my vwizarding days are behind me. its called a "human cigarette" and apparently youre supposed to set it on fire.**

**CRONUS: although if you ask me, burning it seems like a vwaste of a perfectly good and cool "cigarette."**

**MEENAH: i heard a rumor you think youre human now**

**MEENAH: that true**

**CRONUS: its a privwate matter. i dont see vwhy i should havwe to talk about it vwith you, and open myself up to more of your judgmental scorn.**

**MEENAH: sounds like another desperate cry for attention imo**

**KANKRI: I feel I sh9uld jump in here at this m9ment, Meenah, 6ef9re y9u inadvertently shame Cr9nus f9r his extremely delicate feelings 9f species dysph9ria.**

**CRONUS: no, kankri... man, you dont need to jump in here and defend me like this. i got it.**

**MEENAH: aaaand im gone**

**MEENAH: you bros can figure out your boring feelings without me**

**CRONUS: meenah vwait... awv man. just like that, shes out of my life again. you had to go and fuck it up for me, didnt you? some "friends" i havwe.**

**KANKRI: Listen, I was d9ing y9u a fav9r. Y9u d9n't need t9 6e dating any9ne wh9 can't appreciate y9u f9r wh9 y9u really are, 9r m9re imp9rtantly, which fantasy versi9n 9f y9urself y9u m9st str9ngly identify with.**

**CRONUS: yeah, youre probably right. she doesnt appreciate me. so fevw of you cats do, really. ****#evwen the ones who literally identify as cats**

**CRONUS: to be honest, she might be right. sometimes i think i might only be saying im human to get attention. maybe i should givwe it up.**

**KANKRI: I'd 6e extremely disapp9inted t9 hear that, if it were true. That w9uld 6e such a slap in the face t9 all th9se wh9 kn9w themselves t9 6e an alien while trapped in the pedestrian 69dy 9f their 9wn race. It w9uld 6e unspeaka6ly invalidating 9f their struggles and massively triggering t9 their em9ti9ns. ****#TW #invalidated struggles #triggered em9ti9ns**

**KANKRI: 6ut f9rtunately, I kn9w y9u w9uld never st99p as l9w as that. Y9u understanda6ly have d9u6ts a69ut y9ur feelings and pr96a6ly d9wnplay them as a defense mechanism, since s9 few are prepared t9 rec9gnize the legitimacy 9f y9ur plight. 6ut I am, and I just wanted y9u t9 kn9w that I'm here f9r y9u, and am prepared t9 lecture t9 y9u extensively, I mean, listen t9 y9u extensively, a69ut y9ur ultra-imp9rtant pr96lem.**

**CRONUS: vwowv. thanks, pal.**

**CRONUS: youre right. my feelings really are real. not fake, like the huge disappointing fraud that magic turned out to be.**

**CRONUS: i guess the truth is, deep dowvn i alvways knewv i vwas a 1950s-style human greaser.**

**CRONUS: i just needed to finally be introduced to human culture to make sense of those feelings.**

**KANKRI: W9nderful. I'm s9 happy y9u have f9und the light 9f truth within y9urself. N9w j9in me in tagging 9ur discussi9n with righte9us warnings, as we c9nsecrate y9ur disadvantage in the h9ly annals 9f Pr96lematics.**


	216. Book 13 Chapter 3: Kurloz and Meulin

Chapter 3: Kurloz and Meulin

Meenah found herself wandering down a small side street that led to a place where the ground was made entirely of floating lilypads. A memory of part of The Battlefield. She bumped into a chest as she walked across them and opened it. Inside was a juju. A voodoo doll, to be exact. She wondered what would happen if she pulled one of these pins… Nah, better leave them be. She had a bad feeling about this thing. Really bad, uh… what was the word she was looking for? Bad… mojo?

She dropped the doll back into the chest and spotted Kurloz Makara (Gamzee's descestor... ancendant... dancestor? Dancestor.). She walked over to him.

**MEENAH: yo freak remember me**

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

**MEENAH: so**

**MEENAH: so what kinda conversation could we even have that wouldnt be weird and awkward**

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

Kurloz's stitched-up mouth did not open, nor could it.

**MEENAH: i sea**

**MEENAH: got anyfin for me other than an eerie glare and a gross stitched up smile**

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

**MEENAH: whats the wicked word these days**

Kurloz flipped her off.

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

**MEENAH: shit be cold home skillet**

**MEENAH: so i guess i want you to join my army**

**MEENAH: maybe**

**MEENAH: if you promise you aint gonna be too capricious or clown ass batshit or whatever**

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

He shook his head.

**MEENAH: well least youre honest about it**

**MEENAH: got any crazy chucklevoodoo tips on how to kill a cherub?**

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

He shrugged.

**MEENAH: so**

**MEENAH: nothing to say as usual then**

**KURLOZ:** **#:o)**

**MEENAH: its awesome we had this talk**

She picked up a spade key nearby and proceeded along the lilies to where Meulin Leijon was sitting. Meulin's tail wagged back and forth slightly.

**MEENAH: sup meu**

**MEULIN: (=****ω´=) 33333333333!**

**MEULIN: (^****・****ω****・****^ ) GOMGOMGOGOMGOGMMGOMGOMGOGMOGMOGMOG. MOG! ****#EM #OH #G33**

**MEENAH: whoa leijon**

**MEENAH: your rumble spheres**

**MEENAH: clam those suckas this instant**

Meulin made a pouty face.

**MEULIN: (^****・****x****・****^) NO.**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****^=) I WILL NOT CLAM THEM.**

**MEULIN: ****ヽ****(=^****･****ω****･****^=)****丿 **** THEY WILL STAY WILDLY AND GL33FURRY UNCLAMMED, BECAUSE, AND I REPEAT:**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^)****ﾉ **** MOG.**

**MEENAH: mog**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****^=) MOG, M33NAH.**

**MEULIN: ~(=^‥^)****ノ ****MOG****! ****#:33**

**MEENAH: idgi**

**MEULIN: (^._.^)****ﾉ **** M33NAH. MOG COULD NOT BE ANY SIMPLER. ****#UNLESS SPELLED CORRECTLY**

**MEENAH: dude fuck mog**

**MEENAH: oh wait you mean omg**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****ω****･****^=) (=^-ω-^=)**

**MEENAH: well fuck that too**

**MEENAH: i know you cant physically monitor the volume of your piercingly fangirly shrieks but try to keep it down**

**MEENAH: like just be normal excited for once**

**MEULIN: (^._.^)**

**MEENAH: or**

**MEENAH: should i say**

**MEENAH: "fur pounce" ****#3;)**

**MEULIN: (=^ω^=) 333333333333333333333333333333333!** **#SO MANY 33'S**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^) M33NAH I MISSED YOU SOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUCH! WHY DIDN'T WE EVER HANG OUT WHEN WE WERE ALIVE?**

**MEULIN: (=^‥^=) I HAD SO MUCH TIME TO PAWNDER THAT AND IT'S ONE OF MY D33PEST REGRETS.**

**MEENAH: it was probably cause you didnt like me very much**

**MEENAH: but s'chool no one really did**

**MEULIN: (=^****･ｪ･****^=) WHAAAT. THAT'S NOT TRUE! I'M SURE I LIKED YOU! DIDN'T I? ****#YOU WERE INVOLVED IN SOME OF MY FINEST SHIPS!**

**MEENAH: i mean i did try to kill you a couple of times**

**MEULIN: (^****・****x****・****^) YOU DID? I DON'T REMEMBER THAT...**

**MEENAH: water under the crossing trestle**

**MEENAH: (^****･****o****･****^) YES!**

**MEENAH: (^._.^)****ﾉ **** BUT, UM, IF YOU TRIED TO KILL ME, SHOULDN'T I BE THE ONE TO SAY THAT TO YOU?**

**MEENAH: …**

**MEENAH: lejayjay how about you shut up and go back to being excited to see me ****#feel free to unclam those tatas**

**MEULIN: (=****ＴェＴ****=) 3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!**

She said something excitedly in sign language.

**MEENAH: can we plz cool it on the shitty mimes tho**

**MEENAH: seriously cant understand what your trying to say half the time ****#the literal worst form of communication ever**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****ω****･****^=) WE HAVE TO CATCH UP RIGHT AWAY. YOU MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH WHILE YOU WERE GONE! ****#"CATCH" #! #LIKE A FISH! #S33 I'M YOUR FRIEND!**

**MEENAH: did i rly**

**MEENAH: to be conchnest that sounds mad unlikely**

**MEENAH: you would not even believe the boring conversations i just slogged through with some a you glubbin windbaggers**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****^=) YOU SOOO DID THOUGH. WE'VE ALL B33N THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER SINCE WE DIED. I BELIEVE WE'VE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS IN DEALING WITH OUR PURRSONAL ISSUES AND PUTTING OUR OLD DIFURRENCES BEHIND US. ****#ETERNITY HAS ONLY STRENGTHENED MY COMMITMENT TO CAT PUNS! #:33**

**MEENAH: dont sound like you put much time into your fightin skills though**

**MEENAH: yall do realize you might be on the verge of dying AGAIN right?**

**MEULIN: (=^****･ｪ･****^=) AND THE SHIPPING!**

**MEULIN: ****＼****(=^‥^)/ OMG M33NAH, THE SHIIIIIIIIIPPING! (=****；ェ；****=) ****ヾ****(=****ﾟ･ﾟ****=)****ﾉ ****(^****・****ω****・****^ )**

**MEULIN: (^****・****ω****・****^ ) YOU WON'T EVEN ****BELIEVE** **WHO GOT TOGETHER OVER THE SW33PS. AND THE QUADRANTS! THE QUADRANTS THEY PAIRED UP IN... IT WILL ****BLOW****. ****YOUR****. ****MIND****.**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****^=) I DON'T THINK I CAN EVEN CONVEY HOW MUCH... I JUST… ****#DON'T #I…**

**MEULIN: (^****・****x****・****^) I CAN'T. ****#NO #THAT'S IT**

**MEULIN: └(=^‥^=)┐ I AM COMPLETELY UNABLE TO CAN RIGHT NOW.** **#HAVE EXACTLY ZERO CANS**

**MEENAH: 38|**

**MEULIN: (=****；ェ；****=) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, M33NAH. THE F33LS.**

**MEULIN: (=****Ｔ****ω****Ｔ****=) THE F333333333LS!** **#MIMES INCOMING!**

Meulin began to sign again.

**MEENAH: had a suspicion this chat would devolve into gossip about who banged who**

**MEENAH: let me know if you wanna catch up on actual relevant shit some time ****#heres ma math #yall got shell phones here right**

**MEENAH: holla at ya girl meumix**

**MEULIN: (^****・****x****・****^) WAIT MEENAH COME BACK!**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^)****ﾉ **** I DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT RELEVANT STUFF! I'M SORRY!**

**MEENAH: k im not goin anywhere**

**MEENAH: so tell me meu**

**MEENAH: what exactlys the bullshit reason you cant join me to go fight lord bad guy**

**MEULIN: (^._.^) YOU WANT ME TO GO FIGHT ****THAT GUY** **WITH YOU?**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^) OH BUT I DO NOT THINK THAT WILL BE FLEASIBLE...**

**MEENAH: noooooo shit**

**MEULIN: (=^‥^=) I DON'T WANT TO COMPLETELY WASH MY PAWS OF THE IDEA, BUT I JUST HAVE SO MANY BALLS OF YARN IN THE AIR RIGHT NOW.**

**MEULIN: ****＼****(=^‥^)/ SO MANY POTENTIAL SHIPS TO JUGGLE. A BUSY HYPOTHETICAL MATCHMAKER'S JOB IS NEVER DONE!**

**MEENAH: that isnt anything even close to resemblin a real responsibility**

**MEULIN: (=^****･ｪ･****^=) I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I DON'T GIVE A LICK ABOUT JOINING YOUR FIGHT, BUT I JUST DON'T THINK I WILL BE VERY USEFUL!**

**MEULIN: ~(=^‥^)****ノ **** BY THE WAY, "LICK" WAS A SUBTLE CAT PUN. **

**MEENAH: dunno it doesnt sound like you give much a carp about anyfin that isnt shipping or sayin cat things**

**MEENAH: btw "sound" was a subtle pun pertainin to oceanic geography ****#also #'carp' is a fish #and 'anyfin' is just a thing i say all the time duh**

**MEULIN: (^****･****ω****･****^ ) COME OOOOOOOOON M33NAH, DON'T YOU WANT TO RELAX JUST A NIP BEFORE YOU GO RIGHT OFF TO ROUGHHIVE SOME MORE?**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^) I HEARD YOU HAVE TAKEN A K33N INTEREST IN KANKRI'S ANCESTOR.**

**MEENAH: sunnuva fish**

**MEULIN: ****ヽ****(^‥^=****ゞ****) WELL, M33NAH? IS THAT TRUE? ****#HMMM?**

**MEENAH: even if it was true**

**MEENAH: which it is the very definition of AINT**

**MEENAH: how the shit could you have even heard something like that already ****#not literally heard #w ur ears #yaknowatimean**

**MEULIN: (=^ω^=) H3333333! IT'S TRUE, I JUST KNOW IT!**

**MEULIN: (=****ｘェｘ****=) ****DIES** **#*IS DEAD***

**MEENAH: yes please do that**

**MEULIN: ****ヾ****(=****ﾟ･ﾟ****=)****ﾉ **** DO YOU WANT ME TO SET YOU UP WITH HIM? BEFORE YOU SAY NO, I URGE YOU NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF MY ROMANTIC SORCERIES.**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^)****ﾉ **** YOU HAVE B33N OUT OF THE LOOP FOR A LONG TIME, SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT KIND OF MIRACLES HAVE B33N WROUGHT BY THE MAGE OF HEART!**

**MEULIN: (=^-ω-^=) NOW, BEFORE I WORK MY MAGIC, WE SHOULD GET ONE THING CLEAR. IS YOUR YEARNING RED OR BLACK?**

**MEULIN: (=****Ｔ****ω****Ｔ****=) I AM ONLY ASKING TO BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN, BUT METHINKS THERE IS BARELY ANY DOUBT ABOUT IT. SOMMMEONE IS WAXING SCARLET FOR A LOUD, YOUNGER KANKRI, HMMMMMMMMM?**

**MEENAH: leijon**

**MEENAH: are you readin my lips**

**MEENAH: pretend you can hear me and that im saying this so loud your kittycat ears hurt**

**MEENAH: shhhut thhhe fuuuuck uuup**

**MEULIN: (^****･****ω****･****^)**

**MEENAH: dont set me up with anemonebouy kay ****#anemonebouy #how fishpuns be DONE #bouyeah**

**MEENAH: just keep it in your friendfics**

**MEENAH: write about us doin it or whatever just S) (UT UP**

**MEULIN: (^****･****o****･****^) OHHH. G333. EMMM.**

**MEULIN: (=^****･****^=) I HAVE THE ****BEST** **IDEA FOR A FIC LIKE THAT.**

**MEULIN: ~(=^‥^)****ノ **** BUT DON'T WORRY, MY POLICKSY WITH SUCH LICENTIOUS MATERIAL IS THE SAME AS IT'S ALWAYS B33N. I WILL NOT SHOW A SOUL UNTIL I HAVE SHOWN IT TO YOU AND THE YOUNGER VANTAS, AND YOU BOTH APPURRVE. I PROMISE!**

**MEENAH: yay another worthless conversation under ma belt! ****#belt w a bedazzled fuchsia strap and a solid gold buckle**

**MEENAH: TIM-E TO BOUNC-E**

She grabbed the last key, the heart-shaped one, which just happened to be lying on the ground nearby, and glanced suspiciously at Meulin. Meulin smiled at her innocently. Shaking her head, Meenah returned to where the door was and inserted the last couple of keys.

Meulin remembered spending a fair amount of time hopping around these lily pads. Once, she'd stumbled upon a treasure so rare, so incredible, she could find neither the words nor the mimes to describe it. Alas, she'd lost it. She looked at a small bubble floating nearby, much like the one Porrim had looked into to remember the staircase. Could this be the gateway to that special memory? Indeed, a flight of steps appeared, and Meulin traveled down them to a small treasure chest.

She opened it and got… my GOD she got…

A cod piece. So soft, so inviting… she was fighting the temptation to wear it right now with all her might. If the crotch were any more forgiving, it would be canonized by the Vatican.

Smiling, she walked over to Kurloz and they had a conversation back in forth in sign language. Kurloz asked for the cod piece. She gave it to him and Kurloz's eyes began flashing.

**KURLOZ: ****EXCELLENT WORK, MY MAGE**

**WITH THIS MOST RIGHTEOUS MOTHER FUCKIN PELVIC APPAREL, THE WICKED ENSEMBLE IS NOW COMPLETE**

**IT MUST BE DELIVERED TO THE BARD OF RAGE AT ONCE, SO THAT HE MAY CONTINUE OUR MIRTHFUL MOTHER FUCKIN WORK**

**MEULIN: (=****ﾟ･ﾟ****=) ALL HAIL THE ONE TRUE MESSIAH. ****#OTM #RYDAS AND NINJETTES REPRESENT**

**LONG LIVE THE ANGEL OF DOUBLE DEATH**

**MEULIN: (=****ﾟ･ﾟ****=) MAY THE BARD'S RIOTOUS CHUCKLEVOODOOS INSPIRE NIGHTMARES IN ALL WHO WOULD OPPAWS CALICORN, AND MAY THE JOCULARKITTY OF HIS VAST HONK RING LOUD AND MOTHER FUCKIN TRUE ALL THE WAY TO SHANGRI LOL.** **#MUCH CLOWN LOVE**

**CHURCH. OK, THATS ENOUGH OF MOTHER FUCKIN THAT PIOUS NOISE**

**TIME TO RENDEZVOUS WITH MY HOMIE KILLA AND DROP THE SPECIAL SCIENCE ON HIM**

**MEULIN: (=****ﾟ･ﾟ****=) MAY THIS LUDICROUS PAIR OF SHORTS ASSNIFFST HIS HOLY MISSION, AND FLUMMOX ALL WHO WOULD CATST THEIR UNWORTHY GAZE PON ITS FRESH FUCKIN BULGE.**

**AY MOTHER FUCKIN MEN, MY WICKED KITTYBITCH**

Kurloz walked over to a nearby floating bubble. He'd kept many secrets from his friends. Secrets to Kurloz were always the most beautiful miracles of all. They were the private answers to a bunch of riddles no one ever asked. But since this place was made of memories, he'd had to be extra careful with his secrets. He'd carved out an extensive network of virtual catacombs throughout the bubbles, leading to hidden treasures, black recollections, and perhaps one or two illicit dropoff points.

A doorway opened into the catacombs and he entered, walking among the shadows until he found the one who awaited him.

**KURLOZ:** **I COME BEARING THEE FINAL JOLLY ACCOUTREMENT MY FAITHFUL INVERTEBROTHER**

**KURLOZ: ****THY BARDLY REGALIA IS DONE AND FUCKING DUSTED BY THE SPECIAL STARS THEMSELVES**

**KURLOZ: ****ON THIS DAY THE DARK CARNIVAL REJOICED AND SAID IT WAS MONEY**

**KURLOZ: ****NOW BRING TO LIFE OUR WICKED RUSE WITH APLOMB MY NINJA**

**KURLOZ: ****OUR LORD AWAITS YOUR SERVITUDE AND TUTELAGE AT ONCE**

**KURLOZ: ****WE SHALL NOW BUST OPEN THESE BITCHIN ELIXIR FORTIES**

**KURLOZ: ****AND POUR SOME SWEET SWILL OUT FOR THE SOULS WHO SOON WONT BE NO MORE** **#:o)**

**GAMZEE: shut your mother fucking mouth and give me the cod piece**


	217. Book 13 Chapter 4: Through the Door

Chapter 4: Through the Door

Meenah stepped through the now open door and found that she was in Karkat's respiteblock. Karkat turned around as he saw her and yelled.

**KARKAT: HEY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY… OH. IT'S YOU AGAIN.**

**KARKAT: SORRY, FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT ERIDAN'S AWFUL ANCESTOR FOUND HIS WAY IN HERE.**

**KARKAT: I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO BE MORE OF A SHITBAG THAN THAT GUY, BUT SOMEHOW AMPORA TEEN-SENIOR PULLS IT OFF?**

**KARKAT: I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT IF I DIDN'T ABSORB IT WITH MY OWN AGGRAVATION SPONGE. JUST INCREDIBLE.**

**MEENAH: yeah vantas im gonna clue you in on somefin**

**MEENAH: mosta my crew is hecks of dreadful to be around**

**KARKAT: I KNOW!**

**KARKAT: HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE TO SUCK SO MUCH, WHEN THEY'RE PRESUMABLY ALMOST GENETICALLY IDENTICAL TO A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I LIKE?**

**KARKAT: MAYBE IT'S THE AGE DIFFERENCE? OR THE FACT THAT THEY ALL GREW UP ON A PLANET FOR LAME PANSIES WHO ARE CIVILLY OBLIGATED TO WET THEMSELVES DAILY.**

**MEENAH: ahahahahaha**

**KARKAT: I HAVE TO ADMIT, MEETING ALL OUR ANCESTORS LIKE THIS HAS BEEN KIND OF OVERWHELMING.**

**KARKAT: I KIND OF HAD TO GET AWAY FROM EVERYONE AND BE ALONE FOR A WHILE. HOPEFULLY I'LL JUST FUCKING WAKE UP SOON.**

**MEENAH: oh uh**

**MEENAH: you want i should step off**

**KARKAT: UH**

**KARKAT: NO, THAT'S OK.**

**KARKAT: YOU'RE ACTUALLY FINE, MOSTLY. I JUST COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER ENCOUNTER WITH RED SWEATER GUY.**

**KARKAT: HE'S LEFT MY HEAD SPINNING, AND NOT JUST BECAUSE HE NEVER SHUTS THE FUCK UP.**

**KARKAT: FOR A LONG TIME, I DIDN'T EVEN BELIEVE WE HAD ANCESTORS. I THOUGHT EVEN THE CONCEPT OF ANCESTORS WAS JUST SUPERSTITIOUS, EGO-STROKING ARISTOCRATIC BULLSHIT.**

**KARKAT: BUT NOT ONLY DOES IT TURN OUT YOU'RE ALL REAL, BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAD THIS WHOLE DIFFERENT CULTURE IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BEFORE US? SORRY, THAT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN.**

**KARKAT: WAIT...**

**KARKAT: OH, NO. NO, FUCK ME. HOLY FUCK.**

**KARKAT: "BEFORE US?" GOD DAMMIT. I *JUST* GOT THAT.**

**KARKAT: SEE? THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. MEETING YOU GUYS HAS MADE ME HAVE LITTLE INFURIATING REVELATIONS LIKE THAT ALMOST CONSTANTLY.**

**LIKE, NOW IT CASTS THE NAME OF MY OWN PLANET IN A WHOLE NEW STUPID LIGHT. ALTERNIA? AS IN, ALTERNATE? ALTERNATE TO WHAT. TURNS OUT IT IS THE *ALTERNATIVE* TO A PLANET CALLED BEFORUS! THE PLANET WHICH CAME *BEFOOOORE* US. HAHAHA! GET IT?**

**KARKAT: WHATEVER JOKERS NAMED THESE PLANETS WERE COMPLETE FUCKING MORONS.**

**MEENAH: well fwiw**

**MEENAH: alternias da bomb compared to my planet**

**MEENAH: and im not just saying that because grownup me ran the joint 38D**

**KARKAT: HEY, DON'T LET ANYONE KID YOU. ALTERNIA WAS FUCKING GREAT.**

**KARKAT: I DON'T EVEN CARE THAT MY BLOOD MADE ME A PARIAH. IT WAS WORTH TO IT LIVE ON SUCH A BADASS PLANET.**

**KARKAT: SOME PEOPLE LIKED TO TALK SHIT ABOUT THE EMPRESS. AND IT'S TRUE, SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE CULLED THE SHIT OUT OF ME ON SIGHT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I ALWAYS RESPECTED HER AS A STRONG LEADER.**

**KARKAT: SHE KNEW HOW TO GET SHIT DONE AND DIDN'T PUT UP WITH DISSENSION FROM WORTHLESS IDIOTS. AND ALL SHE DID WAS, YOU KNOW... TAKE OVER THE ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY. NOT TOO SHABBY.**

**KARKAT: I USED TO HAVE THIS KIND OF EMBARRASSING FANTASY THAT I WOULD GROW UP ONE DAY AND BECOME A THRESHECUTIONER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?**

**MEENAH: ?**

**KARKAT: THEY WERE LIKE THE DEADLIEST SQUAD OF INTERSTELLAR FIGHTERS UNDER THE COMMAND OF THE EMPRESS. THEY HELPED CONQUER MORE PLANETS THAN ANY OTHER IMPERIAL FORCE. BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO MAKE THE CUT, BECAUSE OF MY BLOOD. SO I USED TO THINK OF ALL THESE ELABORATE SCENARIOS TO HIDE MY BLOOD COLOR. OR IN THE MORE RIDICULOUS FANTASIES, MAYBE I COULD EVEN PROVE MY WORTH AS A SOLDIER? LIKE JUST BE SO AWESOME WITH A SICKLE, THEY WOULD JUST HAVE TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION. MAYBE EVEN BE LIKE A FOLK HERO AND RISE THROUGH THE RANKS TO BECOME THE LEADER. HAHA.**

**KARKAT: THOSE WERE OBVIOUSLY JUST SOME CHILDISH DAY DREAMS. I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT WHAT BEING A LEADER REALLY MEANS SINCE THEN. MAINLY THAT IT'S A LOT HARDER THAN EVERYONE THINKS.**

**KARKAT: SO I GUESS I LEARNED TO RESPECT WHO YOU TURNED OUT TO BE ON MY WORLD EVEN MORE THAN I DID ALREADY, BECAUSE OF THAT.**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: the leadership thing is hard as globes**

**MEENAH: could barely get anyone to lift a flippin finger in my session**

**MEENAH: and now its like that all over again trying to raise this army**

**MEENAH: i reely dunno how sexy bitch grownup me pulled it off**

**KARKAT: OH YEAH. HOW IS THAT GOING?**

**KARKAT: HOW MANY RECRUITS DO YOU HAVE?**

**MEENAH: want to take a guess**

**KARKAT: OH. STILL ZERO, HUH? YEAH, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT. SERIOUSLY, FUCK LEADERSHIP.**

**MEENAH: i know!**

**KARKAT: WELL LOOK, HOW ABOUT THIS. LATER ON, WHEN I'M AWAKE OBVIOUSLY, MAYBE OUR METEOR WILL HIT A RENDEZVOUS POINT WITH YOU KARKAT: AGAIN.**

**KARKAT: IF BY THEN, YOU'RE STILL LOOKING FOR RECRUITS, I'LL LIKE... HOP OFF THE METEOR OR SOMETHING. AND JOIN YOUR ARMY.**

**MEENAH: 38D**

**KARKAT: THEN WE, I MEAN YOU AND ME AND WHATEVER OTHER IDIOTS YOU'VE ROUNDED UP, CAN ALL GO FIGHT THE INVINCIBLE DEMON.**

**MEENAH: 38D**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND, I'M UP AGAINST AN INVINCIBLE DEMON OF ONE SORT OR ANOTHER. I GUESS THAT'S JUST THE IMPOSSIBLE KIND OF THING PARADOX SPACE WANTS ME TO DO TO PROVE I'M NOT SOME HORRIBLE MISTAKE OF NATURE. ANYWAY, DOES THAT SOUND GOOD?**

**MEENAH: 38D**

**KARKAT: OH, BUT ON ONE CONDITION. AS THE NEW EMPRESS, YOU HAVE TO APPOINT ME AS GRAND THRESHECUTIONER OF YOUR ARMY. DO WE HAVE A DEAL?**

**MEENAH: oh yes yes you got it yessss**

**KARKAT: GOOD. OK, THAT'S SETTLED.**

**KARKAT: NOW I'M GOING TO GO FOR A WALK, DO SOME MORE THINKING. ALONE. OK?**

**KARKAT: JUST UH... MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME HERE... IN THIS STRANGE MEMORY PROJECTION OF MY ROOM. I'D TELL YOU NOT TO RIFLE THROUGH MY SHIT, BUT NONE OF IT IS EVEN REAL. SO GO NUTS. WHATEVER.**

**KARKAT: I'M LEAVING.**

Karkat left his block, finding himself in a place with lots of blue trees and pink leaves. Walking down a flight of stairs, he found Terezi in her dragon suit. The suit hung down over her eyes.

**KARKAT: TEREZI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ASLEEP.**

**TEREZI: SHRUG**

**KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU HERE ALL ALONE IN THE WOODS? OR THE PRETEND WOODS, I GUESS.**

**AND WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR DRAGON COSPLAY PULLED DOWN LIKE THAT? IS SOMETHING THE MATTER?**

**TEREZI: NO**

**TEREZI: 1M F1N3**

**KARKAT: YOU DON'T SOUND FINE. DON'T BULLSHIT ME LIKE THAT, I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING'S UP WITH YOU.**

**TEREZI: K4RK4T PL34S3 JUST L34V3 M3 4LON3**

**KARKAT: OK, I GET IT IF YOU WANT SOME ALONE TIME. I MEAN, I ACTUALLY JUST GOT DONE SULKING THE FUCK OUT MYSELF JUST NOW.**

**KARKAT: BUT IT REALLY HELPS TO TALK TO SOMEBODY. YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT STUFF, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?**

**TEREZI: Y34H, 1 GU3SS**

**KARKAT: IS IT DAVE? DID HE DO SOMETHING DOUCHEY AGAIN?**

**TEREZI: …**

**KARKAT: DID HE BREAK UP WITH YOU? HE BROKE UP WITH YOU, DIDN'T HE. I KNEW IT, I COULD JUST SEE THE WRITING ON THE WA...**

**TEREZI: H3 D1DNT BR34K UP W1TH M3!**

**TEREZI: 1T H4S NOTH1NG TO DO W1TH D4V3**

**KARKAT: OK THEN WHAT**

**TEREZI: 1TS**

**TEREZI: MY 4NC3STOR**

**KARKAT: YEAH? WHAT ABOUT HER.**

**TEREZI: SH3**

**TEREZI: SH3S JUST**

**TEREZI: SO**

**TEREZI: R4D1C4L :[**

**KARKAT: HUH?**

**TEREZI: 1 JUST D1D NOT KNOW 1T W4S 3V3N POSS1BL3**

**TEREZI: TO B3 SO R4D**

**TEREZI: 1 4LMOST C4NT H4NDL3 1T K4RK4T**

**TEREZI: TH3 R4DN3SS**

**TEREZI: HOW DO3S SH3 DO 1T?**

**KARKAT: WELL, LET'S SEE. SHE RIDES A FUCKING SKATEBOARD. AND THAT'S IT. PRETTY MUCH END OF THE EXPLANATION.**

**TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1T 1S MUCH MOR3 TH4N TH4T**

**TEREZI: 3V3RYON3 LOV3S H3R**

**TEREZI: SH3 1S SO S4SSY 4ND FUN, SH3S TH3 B3ST 4T G4M3S, 4ND 4LL H3R STUNTS 4R3 1NCR3D1BL3**

**TEREZI: HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO M34SUR3 UP TO TH4T?**

**KARKAT: OH COME ON**

**KARKAT: DON'T TELL ME THIS IS GOING TO BE A THING WITH YOU NOW.**

**WH4T TH1NG?**

**KARKAT: A SELF ESTEEM THING.**

**KARKAT: YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THAT, IT'S JUST SO UNWARRANTED.**

**TEREZI: W3LL TH4TS HOW 1 F33L, SO TOO B4D!**

**KARKAT: TEREZI, I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. YOU ARE *NOT* IN ANYONE'S SHADOW.**

**KARKAT: LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT OUR ANCESTORS.**

**KARKAT: THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES!**

**TEREZI: :|**

**TEREZI: SH3 1S NOT 4N 4SSHOL3**

**KARKAT: NO, SHE IS. TRUST ME.**

**KARKAT: THEY ALL ARE. AT LEAST THE VAST MAJORITY.**

**KARKAT: THEY PRACTICALLY AREN'T EVEN PEOPLE. THEY'RE WALKING, TALKING, LIKE...**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT. ALMOST LIKE LIVING PARODIES OF HORRIBLE, CLICHED BEHAVIOR PATTERNS.**

**TEREZI: WH4T, YOU M34N L1K3...**

**TEREZI; T33N4G3RS?**

**KARKAT: YES.**

**KARKAT: BUT IT'S MORE THAN JUST THAT. TAKE MY ANCESTOR FOR EXAMPLE.**

**KARKAT: TOTAL ASSHOLE! PROBABLY THE WORST ASSHOLE THERE IS.**

**KARKAT: YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE I GUESS HE DOESN'T YELL AT PEOPLE LIKE ME? BUT THAT PROBABLY MAKES IT WORSE.**

**KARKAT: HE JUST GOES ON AND ON ABOUT THE MOST SANCTIMONIOUS, INCOMPREHENSIBLE GARBAGE YOU EVER HEARD. HE THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN EVERYONE BUT THEN DRESSES IT UP IN THIS BOGUS HYPER-ACADEMIC HUMILITY. HE TRIES TO DEFEND PEOPLE WITH "PROBLEMS" BUT JUST WINDS UP INSULTING THOSE PEOPLE IN BACKHANDED WAYS. HE LECTURES PEOPLE ENDLESSLY, AND WHENEVER HE RISES TO THE "DEFENSE" OF HIS FRIENDS HE USUALLY ENDS UP GIVING THEM A BIG FUCK YOU BY BEING IMPLICITLY JUDGMENTAL.**

**KARKAT: I COULD REALLY GO ON FOREVER ABOUT HIM, BUT I WON'T, BECAUSE THEN I'D BE STOOPING TO HIS LEVEL.**

**TEREZI: H3H3…**

**KARKAT: AND YOUR ANCESTOR? YEAH, SHE'S "FUN" I GUESS. BUT TALK ABOUT A PHONY.**

**KARKAT: OH AND I DON'T GIVE A *FUCK* WHAT ANYONE SAYS, LOSING YOUR SENSE OF SMELL IS NOT A REAL DISABILITY!**

**KARKAT: HER RAD GIRL THING IS SUCH AN OBVIOUS ACT. SHE'S CLEARLY WORKED FOR SWEEPS ON PERFECTING IT, AND QUITE APPARENTLY REVELS IN THE ATTENTION IT GETS HER.**

**KARKAT: BUT THE FACT THAT SHE WORKS SO HARD ON IT IS EXACTLY WHY YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.**

**KARKAT: YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO TRY TO BE THE GOOD PERSON YOU ALREADY ARE.**

**KARKAT: SEE, YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO HAVE FUN AND BE LIKABLE BY JUST BEING YOURSELF. IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE PART OF SOME OVER THE TOP SCHTICK TO IMPRESS PEOPLE. WHEN SHE DOES THE RAD GIRL THING IT'S LIKE A DISGUISE, PROBABLY COVERING UP SOME PART OF HERSELF SHE'S UNHAPPY WITH. BUT WHEN YOU WITHDRAW AND COVER YOURSELF UP LIKE THAT, YOU'RE ACTUALLY JUST PREVENTING PEOPLE FROM SEEING SOMEONE WHO'S ALREADY BEAUTIFUL.**

**TEREZI: …**

**KARKAT: I KNOW I COMPLETELY FUCKED UP WITH YOU. THIS ISN'T, UH... OK. I'M NOT LIKE TRYING TO REDEEM MYSELF HERE. I MADE MY RECUPERACOON AND NOW I HAVE TO WRIGGLE AROUND IN ITS SLIME. I TOTALLY ACCEPT THAT. BUT AS YOUR FRIEND I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO START FEELING BAD ABOUT YOURSELF BECAUSE OF ONE OF THESE SHALLOW, TWO DIMENSIONAL DIPSHITS. BUT I TOTALLY CONCEDE THAT YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE ABOUT ME, AND I RESPECT YOUR DECISION. I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY IS ALL.**

**TEREZI: …**

**KARKAT: OK, I'M PROBABLY JUST STICKING MY FOOT IN MY FUCKING TALK BLASTER YET AGAIN, AND I'M PROBABLY MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. I GUESS I'LL GO BACK TO MY ROOM NOW. I HOPE YOU TAKE AT LEAST SOME OF WHAT I SAID SERIOUSLY THOUGH.**

**KARKAT: UM. YEAH. OK, BYE.**

Karkat ran off and disappeared up the stairs before Terezi followed him. But she wasn't in Karkat's block, she was in her own. Meenah stood to one side.

**TEREZI: OH... H3Y**

**TEREZI: 1TS YOU**

**TEREZI: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG 1N MY H1V3?**

**MEENAH: shit pyrope dont sniff at me**

**MEENAH: i was standin around in shoutkats place when it all dream switched on me outta nowhere**

**TEREZI: D1D YOU S33 H1M COM3 1N H3R3?**

**MEENAH: naw**

**MEENAH: wait you lookin for him too now?**

**TEREZI: Y3S**

**MEENAH: good luck with that the guys slippery as a goddamn eel**

**MEENAH: spent all day tracking him down myself**

**MEENAH: but i finally caught up with him a while ago**

**TEREZI: OH?**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: and i think**

**MEENAH: we might be goin on a date later?**

**TEREZI: WH4T**

**MEENAH: i mean**

**MEENAH: maybe**

**MEENAH: i dunno if im misreadin his intent there**

**MEENAH: you might know better than me**

**TEREZI: WH4T D1D H3 S4Y?**

**MEENAH: well whatever the case is later hes goin to hop off the meteor and fight lord invincible with me**

**MEENAH: whatta you think am i readin too much into shit or**

**TEREZI: UMM…**

**TEREZI: SHRUG :|**

**MEENAH: yeah guess well sea**

**MEENAH: anyway im out**

**MEENAH: this hive you got is craycray pyrope**

**MEENAH: can appreciate a girl with a gaudy sense a design**

Meenah headed out the way Terezi had come from and discovered a bridge leading to another set of trees. Just before the bridge, however, a stand was set up.

**MEENAH: oh SHELL no**

**MEENAH: hey serket hows your cherubquest goin**

**ARANEA: I...**

**ARANEA: Still haven't found her quite yet.**

**MEENAH: any leads or**

**ARANEA: Not really.**

**ARANEA: She's apparently very well hidden!**

**MEENAH: um yeah sure**

**MEENAH: but**

**MEENAH: have you even really been lookin**

**ARANEA: Um...**

**MEENAH: or have you been fucking around with your lil exposition stand**

**ARANEA: I have 8een dividing my time efficiently. 8ut thank you for your concern.**

**MEENAH: it wasnt even that long ago we talked about other boring stuff**

**MEENAH: you had to drag your stand over to the top of this tree**

**MEENAH: like all waitin for me up here**

**MEENAH: how long did that take**

**ARANEA: Never mind a8out that!**

**ARANEA: And yes, I did stop along the way to explain some important things to people.**

**ARANEA: People are curious a8out information, Meenah. They want to KNOW things, alright?**

**MEENAH: they want to know...**

**MEENAH: or you want to tell them?**

**ARANEA: 8oth!**

**MEENAH: ok lemme ask this**

**MEENAH: did you pay them so you could explain stuff**

**ARANEA: ...**

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**ARANEA: SO?**

**MEENAH: so how long would you estimate you spent cherub hunting in between your splainins**

**ARANEA: I...**

**ARANEA: Look. Finding this cheru8 was always going to 8e a slow 8urning quest. It is an intricate, layered mystery that can't 8e rushed. I'm working up to it!**

**MEENAH: aranea serket i have somefin to explain to you at no expense**

**MEENAH: i find your humorously ineffective approach to this quest to be max adorbs**

**ARANEA: **

**MEENAH: kay tell me about cronus**

**ARANEA: The 8ard of Hope may seem a little jaded these days, 8ut he once had a deeply a8iding faith in magic, and dedicated himself to 8ecoming a great wizard. He 8ecame convinced he was hatched to defeat an extraordinarily evil magician, one he swore the angels foretold of. Though when pressed for the name of the man, he would not say it, claiming it was too dangerous to even enunciate. Part of his self-aggrandizing mythos was that this magician once somehow from afar tried to strike him down at a young age, so he would never have to face him. 8ut the evil spell was deflected, sealing the magician's spirit away in a series of unassuming vessels until he could find some other cunning way to enter our universe. The attack supposedly left him with his distinctive scar, which he was not reluctant to point out when trying to hit on me. Uh, I mean, he wasn't reluctant to mention it in casual conversation.**

**ARANEA: 8ut at some point he 8ecame disillusioned with magic. If there ever was any truth to his far fetched vision, the legacy of defeating the evil magician would have to 8e passed on to his descendant, or if his descendant proved to 8e as much of a failure as he did, then perhaps on to some other Hero of Hope. I'm unsure why he suffered this crisis of faith, aside from the o8vious reasons having to do with an overall lack of character, or any other redeeming qualities. Perhaps someone talked him out of his 8eliefs. May8e a friend close to him. Or, if one is to 8elieve his fantasy held any water, perhaps someone who was in league with the evil magician. Whatever the case, it was pro8a8ly for the 8est, since pretty much everyone who had half a think pan thought it was all a 8unch of ridiculous nonsense.**

**MEENAH: serket why do you got to hate on other peoples religions**

**MEENAH: dont you kno they just as much a load of crackpotty bunk as all your spiritual bullfuck**

**ARANEA: 8ut I...**

**ARANEA: Yes, I guess I was out of line.**

**ARANEA: Sorry, I was just trying to riff with you little on a mutually disliked acquaintance. Is that really so 8ad? Why do you have to take every opportunity to knock my personal 8eliefs?**

**ARANEA: You can really 8e so mean sometimes.**

**MEENAH: can i have my money now**

**ARANEA: Yes. Here.**

**MEENAH: tell me about tunaboy captor**

**ARANEA: The Heir of Doom was once a powerful psionic. He was gifted with vision twofold, and had strong prophetic insights wherever a 8leak future was concerned. He had much to say when it came to warning us a8out the path of doom and destruction we were all headed for, 8ut no one took him very seriously. 8ut one day he lost all those a8ilities when he 8adly overexerted himself. It's hard to get any specifics from him, 8ut indications are that he applied every last 8it of energy he had toward some great act of heroism, saving us all from some looming threat. Not only did his exertion permanently 8urn out his psychic a8ilities, 8ut it left him somewhat... er. Incoherent.**

**MEENAH: yeah i always wondered what happened there**

**MEENAH: anyone ever get to the bottom a that**

**ARANEA: No. The entire incident is shrouded in mystery. From his limited and scattered accounts of what happened, it seems very likely that Kurloz was with him at the time, as the only eye witness. And of course it's impossi8le to get any relia8le information out of him. I guess we may never know, sadly.**

**MEENAH: hey this was actually kinda interesting**

**MEENAH: it was W-ELL worth taking the money youre givin me to put up with it**

**ARANEA: Agreed! ::::D**

**MEENAH: lets do makara next**

**ARANEA: Prince of Rage actually used to 8e quite talkative. That is, until he had a nightmare which prompted a 8izarre incident, after which he would never speak again. He took a sort of spiritual vow of silence, which I'm sure was pro8a8ly related to his esoteric faith. Thereafter he 8ecame infuriatingly enigmatic. I've found it impossi8le to get any info out of him, 8etween his am8iguous mimes and penchant for riddles. It's very frustrating, especially for someone like me, who has a passion for gathering as many facts a8out our story as possi8le.**

**ARANEA: Want to know a secret? Please don't tell anyone, 8ut I really can't stand the guy.**

**ARANEA: It's pro8a8ly unfair to him 8ecause he is o8viously such a sweet and harmless fellow. 8ut something a8out him ru8s me the wrong way. I guess I can just 8e a little petty sometimes.**

**MEENAH: yeah…**

**MEENAH: wow serket**

**MEENAH: just wow so rude**

**MEENAH: poor clown**

**ARANEA: Don't give me that! I seem to remem8er you having more than a few unkind words for him 8ehind his 8ack.**

**MEENAH: yeah im messin witchu he sux**

**MEENAH: so**

**MEENAH: conversation over?**

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**MEENAH: ka**

**MEENAH: ching**

**MEENAH: last one**

**MEENAH: meowmeow lejayjay**

**ARANEA: Mage of Heart as you know is an ardent disciple of the romantic sciences. She has a well earned reputation as a miracle worker when it comes to match making. 8ut her own romantic history ironically has 8een riddled with trou8le and heart8reak.**

**ARANEA: Once, well 8efore our session 8egan, she and Kurloz were in a very loving matespritship. It really seemed to everyone they were made for each other. One day, they fell asleep together. Kurloz then had a nightmare so terrifying, he released the most dreadful sound imagina8le. It truly echoed the horror of the Vast Honk itself. The noise was so loud and so awful, Meulin went completely deaf, and her hearing never recovered. Kurloz was undou8tedly devastated 8y what he'd done to her. He was so distraught, he sewed his mouth shut, and has never spoken a word since.**

**ARANEA: Though they drifted apart as matesprits, Meulin never held it against him, and even seemed to take delight in learning new ways to communicate. They continued to remain very close to this day. May8e a little too close, if you ask me. It's clear that her sympathies have 8een gradually swayed in support of the High8lood's cult. She stays private a8out her 8eliefs, 8ut now and then I'll notice she lets some tenet of mirthful doctrine slip out. I suppose I shouldn't 8e too concerned though, since it's almost certainly a lot of harmless superstition.**

**MEENAH: ) (ONK**

**ARANEA: Honk honk! ::::)**

**MEENAH: lol im glad we can both agree that clowny fuckin soda cult is the dumbest shit ever**

**ARANEA: Yes. Now here is your money. Thanks for listening!**

**MEENAH: serks do you even know how silly yall are**

**MEENAH: 3**

After another four chapters of bumbling through the afterlife with very little to show for the effort, you decide to put a hold on the Meenahquest. You can really only spend so long powering through the dead troll equivalent of an unpleasant high school reunion without making a trip to the load gaper, or fixing yourself a little snack from the hunger trunk. There's definitely someone else we should be checking in with right now. Someone we are all desperate for an update on. And that someone is...


	218. Book 13 Chapter 5: Bubble Battle

Chapter 5: Bubble Battle with Jack Noir

Jack Noir! Or… Bec Noir, that is. The one from the B1 universe who's been locked in combat with the Peregrine Mendicant for the past four books.

The feisty mailwoman was still chasing him. Unbelievable. She hardly seemed to care at all that something was causing reality to shatter around them. For a moment, he'd thought they might be able to reach an uneasy truce. To stand together if only for a moment and assess the ominous cracks spreading through the void. Maybe even take some time to get to know each other a little, and try to bury the hatchet? Jack was so tired of running.

But no, she was just as furious as ever. What had he even done? Just a couple of routine murders, which was TWO YEARS AGO already. The ring hath no fury, he swore. She was never going to stop. Her delivery was justice, and as he knew all too well, nothing stopped the mail. He needed to find a place to hide and rest for a while.

Off to one side, he spotted a dream bubble. Perfect. He burst inside, flying down amongst flaming pieces of Prospit to a Battlefield covered in the bloody corpses of hundreds of innocent carapacian soldiers. He hesitated. This was his memory.

A woosh of air behind him made him turn to see the Mendicant still in hot pursuit, driving down towards him. He flew off to the black castle, above which hovered the black tendrils of the Seer's descent. He walked through the eerie, forsaken halls, peering around corners every now and again to see PM still following him, only this time cautiously.

Jack passed a bookshelf with a Dersite's head on it, the blood cascading down the shelves and pooling on the floor. This was his doing, and so was that Prospitian's head lying over there on the floor. He looked at the frog statue he'd sliced the head off of and the the torn tapestries lining the wall, the only one left untouched the one with the symbol of space of it. He followed his own past trail of bloody footprints up the stairs and out onto the roof.

The dead bodies of John, Rose, and their parents lay on the ground. A projection of the trolls' Incipisphere loomed in the distance. Jack stepped over the bodies to a chest on the far side of the roof and opened it to reveal a Pop-a-matic Vrillyhoo Hammer.

Suddenly, the blood around John's body vanished and he opened his eyes. John yelled and held his hand out towards Jack, blowing a gust of strong wind at him. The hammer was knocked out of his hand and John caught it. He flew at Jack and brought it down hard. Jack blocked the attack with his sword.

John continued to aggressively bash his hammer at the former Dersite agent and Jack continued to defend himself until John knocked the sword out of his hand and clobbered him. Or, at least attempted to. The hammer hit the small shard of The Battlefield that they had been fighting on and Jack flew upwards. He wrapped his tentacles around John's neck and brought him up to face him with a growl.

Jack grabbed his sword out of thin air and plunged it into John's body but John had already turned himself into a gust of wind. He gusted around Jack and formed back into a human form behind the black carapacian with wings. John raised his hammer as Jack turned around and…

They both stopped suddenly, transfixed by a girl in orange robes sitting on a nearby chunk of Battlefield. Rose waggled her eyebrows at them. Behind her was another one of those weird arms sticking out of a glowing blue portal, but John and Jack were too focused on Rose to notice. Or care, for that matter.

Jack was confused. Hadn't he killed BOTH of them? What were they doing alive then? Rose winked and vanished, and John took advantage of Jack's confusion and hesitation to hit him hard on the head with the hammer. The Fluorine Octet rolled around in the glass dome at the top of the hammer, settling on ridiculous hat, a maneuver that made a purple wizard hat with rabbit ears appear on Jack's head. Jack barked in outrage.

**JOHN: hehe…**

Jack looked behind John to see the Mendicant approach swiftly and performed a facepaw x1 combo, floating away quickly.

John looked at the Mendicant as she zoomed past him towards Jack. They were back to the way they'd always been.

End of Act 6 Int…

PSYCHE!

We're not done here yet.

The wizard hat with rabbit ears fell back down into the bubble and John watched as it drifted down past him and landed in a river on The Battlefield.

John touched down next to the river and walked along the black and white checkered ground, dropping his hammer next to his Dad's car, which had been crushed by a tree branch.

He suddenly found himself walking across a sandy landscape covered in random crags and horses, his feet leaving footprints in the soft desert sand. One of the horses came up to him and nuzzled his face. He turned away and continued walking over a dune, one foot in front of the other, hands jammed in his god tier pajama pockets.

He arrived at a giant monument of two stone salamanders looking at each other. An orange-blooded troll with long bull horns lay at its base.

Lying on the ground nearby was a ring. John picked it up and looked at it carefully. Huh. Weird. He placed it on his finger just as the troll began to stir from his slumber.

**TAVROS: i SAW IT FIRST,**

**JOHN: huh?**

**TAVROS: gIVE IT TO ME, **

**JOHN: what... the ring?**

**TAVROS: yES, iT'S MINE, **

**JOHN: who are you?**

**TAVROS: i'M, yOUR WORST BAD DREAM, iF YOU DON'T RETURN MY TREASURE, **

**TAVROS: i FOUND IT, sNUGGLED IN THE SAND, bEING PRETTY AND GOLD AND BY ITSELF, aND i WANT IT BACK, **

**JOHN: so you found it here, like exactly where i just found it... but then instead of picking it up, you fell asleep?**

**TAVROS: wHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, i SOUND STUPID, **

**TAVROS: bUT, yES, **

**JOHN: sorry buddy. as the age old saying goes, you snooze, you lose.**

**TAVROS: i NEVER HEARD THAT AGE OLD SAYING, iN MY CULTURE, sO, fUCK YOUR LINGUAL HERITAGE, aND GIVE ME THE RING, **

**JOHN: why were you even asleep?**

**TAVROS: i WAS TIRED, **

**TAVROS: dUH, **

**JOHN: this is such a dumb place to fall asleep, dude.**

**TAVROS: tREASURE HUNTING IS HARD, **

**TAVROS: sHE HAS ME WORKING LIKE A BARKFIEND, **

**JOHN: who?**

**TAVROS: mY MATESPRIT, **

**TAVROS: tHAT MEANS GIRLFRIEND, yOU IGNORAMUS, **

**JOHN: i know what it means!**

**JOHN: no offense, but you seem like kind of a lame troll. i don't think we ever talked before, did we?**

**TAVROS: wHO CARES, gIVE ME MY TREASURE, **

**JOHN: no way! it's mine bro.**

**TAVROS: sHIT! **

**TAVROS: oKAY, **

**TAVROS: mAYBE WE CAN WORK OUT SOME KIND OF DEAL, **

**JOHN: i dunno. this ring is pretty sweet. the price would have to be pretty steep.**

**TAVROS: wOW, **

**TAVROS: yOU ARE REALLY PUTTING ME, iN AN UNCOMFORTABLE AND CHALLENGING SITUATION, **

**JOHN: why do you want this desert ring so bad. is it magic?**

**JOHN: i don't really feel magic wearing it...**

**JOHN: i mean, not any more than usual.**

**TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW, iF IT'S MAGIC, **

**TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT WHY i WANT IT, **

**JOHN: well, i'm not giving it to you unless you have a really good reason.**

Tavros stood up and crossed his arms.

**TAVROS: iT'S FOR PRIVATE SENTIMENTAL PURPOSES,**

**TAVROS: i DON'T WANT TO SAY,**

**JOHN: that's cool. guess i will just enjoy this ring forever, as my property.**

**TAVROS: oKAAAAAY,**

**TAVROS: i'LL TELL YOU,**

**TAVROS: yOU'RE AN AWFUL HUMAN, bY THE WAY,**

**JOHN: yeah right, dude. would an awful guy be wearing such a sweet, priceless ring? i don't think so!**

**TAVROS: oH MY GOD, tHAT'S SUCH BAD LOGIC, tHAT YOU'RE KNOWINGLY USING TO BE A WORSE ENEMY,**

**JOHN: yeah...**

**JOHN: you sure did explain that, i guess.**

**TAVROS: i WANT THE RING BECAUSE,**

**TAVROS: tHIS REQUIRES SOME LABORIOUS EXPLANATION,**

**TAVROS: iT PERTAINS TO HUMAN CUSTOMS, WHICH i HAVE TAKEN TIME TO STUDY AS AN ETERNAL GHOST,**

**TAVROS: tHE TREASURE IS NEEDED, TO COMPLETE A SORT OF RITUALIZED PACT,**

**TAVROS: hAVING TO DO WITH HUMAN MATING,**

**TAVROS: tO CEMENT IN STONE THE ROMANTIC MATRIMONIES,**

**JOHN: oh!**

**JOHN: you want to use it to propose to your girlfriend?**

**TAVROS: yEAH,**

**TAVROS: wHATEVER,**

**JOHN: heh... that is not really what i was expecting to hear.**

**JOHN: i thought you were just being a greedy treasure grubbing douche.**

**TAVROS: yOU MEAN,**

**TAVROS: lIKE YOU?**

**JOHN: yes.**

**JOHN: but that's a pretty good reason.**

**JOHN: i guess i can let you have it, if it is going to result in a happy marriage.**

**TAVROS: oKAY, tHEN HURRY, aND GIVE IT TO ME,**

**JOHN: who is the lucky lady, anyway?**

**TAVROS: oH NO, hURRY uP, tHERE'S NO TIME,**

**VRISKA: (Taaaaaaaavros!)**

**TAVROS: sHE'S COMING!**

**JOHN: who?**

**TAVROS: gIVE IT TO ME,**

**TAVROS: sHE CAN'T SEE IT YET, iT HAS TO BE A SURPRISE!**

**TAVROS: aLSO, i DON'T WANT HER TO KNOW i GOT IT, fROM A LOSER LIKE YOU,**

**JOHN: hey!**

**VRISKA: (Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavros!)**

**TAVROS: oH MY GOD,**

**VRISKA: TAAAAAAAAVR... Oh!**

**VRISKA: Hi John.**

**VRISKA: Tavros, I didn't know you were hanging out with John. You should have come told me.**

**TAVROS: bUT, i JUST WOKE UP FROM THE SAND PILE, aND FOUND HIM HERE, **

**TAVROS: i HAD LITERALLY NO TIME TO GO TELL YOU, bECAUSE OF AN ARGUMENT, **

**VRISKA: What? What were you arguing a8out?**

**TAVROS: uHHH, **

**VRISKA: W8... what do you mean woke up? Why were you asleep?**

**TAVROS: uHHH, **

**VRISKA: Dammit, Tavros. You can't 8e slacking off like that.**

**VRISKA: I told you, we aren't fucking around anymore. This is serious 8usiness.**

**JOHN: hey...**

**JOHN: excuse me, but**

**JOHN: are you...**

**JOHN: vriska?**

John hid his hand with the ring on it behind his back.

**VRISKA: Yeah!**

**VRISKA: Oh, sorry. I really should have introduced myself. I guess I forgot I technically never met this version of you.**

**JOHN: uh. that's alright. nice to meet you.**

**JOHN: wait...**

**JOHN: are you a ghost too?**

**VRISKA: Yep.**

**JOHN: so... you're dead?**

**VRISKA: Yes, John. That's what 8eing a ghost means.**

**JOHN: ok, i'm still confused though...**

**JOHN: sorry if i sound dumb, but dream bubbles are still kind of baffling to me.**

**JOHN: you're, uh... "REALLY" dead?**

**JOHN: as in, the real you? i mean... dang, what the hell am i even trying to ask here...**

**VRISKA: No, I get what you're asking.**

**VRISKA: Yes, the real me. The actual, legit, fully authentic alpha timeline Vriska. Dead. Gone. Fuckin' toast.**

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: so when i meet up with everyone on your troll meteor in a year, that means...**

**JOHN: you'll be...**

**VRISKA: A corpse!**

**VRISKA: That's assuming my 8ody was sufficiently preserved during the trip.**

**VRISKA: Which, now that I think a8out it, I guess it was? It must have 8een, 8ecause otherwise that unspeaka8le prototyping atrocity couldn't have happened.**

**VRISKA: That piece of shit clown. I still have no idea what the deal with that was! He's completely lost his mind. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.**

**VRISKA: Honestly, I'm surprised you hadn't already heard I was dead, one way or another. It's kind of old news?**

**VRISKA: Then again, these things are all relative. So who knows.**

**JOHN: ...**

**VRISKA: Are you ok? You seem sad.**

**JOHN: well,**

**JOHN: yeah.**

**JOHN: it's always sad to hear a friend died. even if you find out about it from their ghost.**

**VRISKA: I guess so.**

**JOHN: also, i had kind of thought that when we all arrived at the new session, that...**

**JOHN: we were going to like... hang out. or something.**

**VRISKA: Oh yeah! That's right. We were.**

**VRISKA: 8ut then I got sta88ed through the 8ack. Which to 8e fair, was for the good of the party, so the meteor could make the trip in the first place, and keep this whole crazy sequence of events intact.**

**VRISKA: Not gonna lie. I made some mistakes.**

**JOHN: wow. what even happened out there?**

**VRISKA: Just some pointless, deadly teen drama. Mostly 8rought on 8y ourselves, all acting like juvenile idiots. Like I said, old news.**

**VRISKA: VERY old for me. I've 8een here a pretty long time now.**

**VRISKA: A lot has happened since I died. John, did you know the little rendezvous we planned sort of already happened? I mean, in a way.**

**JOHN: what? it did?**

**VRISKA: Yes. With your ghost.**

**JOHN: huh?**

**VRISKA: I mean, the ghost of one of your altern8te selves, who died along the way doing some stupid thing.**

**VRISKA: Actually, he and I d8ted for a little while.**

**TAVROS: wHOA, hOLD ON,**

**TAVROS: wHAT'S THIS, aBOUT DATING WHO?**

**VRISKA: Groan. Here we go.**

**TAVROS: wHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, aBOUT THAT,**

**VRISKA: Tavros, I have led a rich and complic8ted life and death. I can hardly 8e expected to tell you a8out every little thing that I've 8een through.**

**VRISKA: 8esides, you should have already known this a8out me.**

**TAVROS: wHY,**

**VRISKA: 8ecause we shared a sprite 8ody once! We 8riefly had access to all each others memories and feelings.**

**VRISKA: So if you didn't take the chance to dig that out of my memory, you only have yourself to 8lame.**

**TAVROS: nO, bUT, tHAT HARDLY LASTED ANY TIME AT ALL,**

**TAVROS: aND THERE WERE A LOT, oF OVERWHELMING EXPERIENCES ALL HAPPENING AT ONCE,**

**TAVROS: hOW COULD i TRY TO REMEMBER ALL YOUR MEMORIES BEFORE WE EXPLODED,**

**VRISKA: Well, all I can say is, I managed! I took the opportunity to remem8er pretty much all YOUR memories.**

**VRISKA: I was in and out like a 8andit, and now all your life experiences are mine.**

**TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT FAIR,**

**TAVROS: bECAUSE, yOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME, aND MORE CUNNING,**

**VRISKA: Them's the 8r8ks!**

**JOHN: wait, i'm with tavros here, i think we should back this up a bit.**

**JOHN: so, my alternate reality ghost dated you?**

**VRISKA: Yes.**

**JOHN: that... **

**JOHN: but... **

**VRISKA: What?**

**JOHN: vriska, this is a very bizarre and unsettling fact to me! **

**VRISKA: Why?**

**JOHN: because... **

**JOHN: man, i don't know, it just is! **

**JOHN: you say we dated for a while, but like, i don't even get to remember doing that? **

**JOHN: i think that's mostly what's weird about it. **

**VRISKA: Hey, we apparently don't get to remem8er the results of a lot of choices we didn't actually make!**

**VRISKA: Again, see: the 8r8ks.**

**JOHN: well... **

**JOHN: can you at least tell me what happened there? like, how did that go? **

**VRISKA: It was fine. For a while.**

**VRISKA: It didn't really work out.**

**JOHN: oh. **

**VRISKA: We crossed paths every now and then after that.**

**VRISKA: Things stayed pretty friendly 8etween us.**

**VRISKA: Until he died.**

**JOHN: what? **

**JOHN: what do you mean he died? **

**VRISKA: He was murdered.**

**JOHN: you mean... his GHOST died? **

**VRISKA: Yes.**

**JOHN: as in, he just doesn't exist at all anymore? like DEAD dead?**

**VRISKA: Yes! Dead dead. For good.**

**JOHN: i don't... how does that even... **

**JOHN: who killed him? **

**JOHN: was it jack? **

**VRISKA: Jack? Are you kidding? No, John.**

**VRISKA: Jack is 8arely in the picture as a threat anymore. He's just more old news.**

**JOHN: he is not old news though! **

**JOHN: he's still as strong and menacing as ever. **

**JOHN: i just had an awesome battle with him in this very dream bubble! **

**VRISKA: You did?**

**JOHN: yeah. i found him skulking around a memory of my dead dad, and i got pissed off, so i really let him have it. **

**JOHN: oh, i even used the cool hammer you helped me make. remember that? **

**VRISKA: Oh yeah!**

**VRISKA: Those were good times, when I helped you 8e gr8. ::::)**

**JOHN: yes. **

**JOHN: the last time i faced him was kind of embarrassing. i let him get the drop on me, and he just stabbed me right away. **

**JOHN: but this time i think i held my own pretty well. i even got in one good hit against him! **

**JOHN: i gave him a solid bop on the head, and the dice roll made him wear a silly hat. **

**VRISKA: That's awesome!**

**VRISKA: One time in an altern8te reality, I came pretty close to killing him apparently.**

**JOHN: oh really? **

**VRISKA: You 8et. Too 8ad that was in a timeline that didn't really count. 8ut it's always reassuring to know you can put up a good fight against a strong adversary if you ever needed to. Now I guess you know you can too.**

**JOHN: i guess so! **

**VRISKA: What happened after you 8onked him on the head? I 8et he was mad.**

**JOHN: yeah, he sure was. but our fight was interrupted by like... another taller, white jack dressed in rags. **

**VRISKA: A white Jack?**

**JOHN: well, no, it wasn't actually a jack, it was someone different altogether, who just looked like him. with wings and a sword and everything. **

**JOHN: i think the white jack was probably a girl? i'm not sure, but that was my hunch. i didn't talk to her or anything. she looked really angry. **

**JOHN: anyway, he seemed scared of her, so he flew away, and she chased him. **

**JOHN: do you know who she was? **

**VRISKA: No fucking clue.**

**JOHN: whatever jack's doing out here in dream bubble land, he seems to have his hands full with her on his tail. **

**JOHN: but as you can see, he is FAR from out of the picture. **

**VRISKA: Ok, that may 8e, 8ut it sure wasn't Jack who killed a whole shitload of ghosts out here, including one of yours.**

**VRISKA: I really dou8t Jack can even kill ghosts. In fact, I don't think anyone can except for this guy.**

**JOHN: what guy? **

**VRISKA: Lord English.**

**JOHN: who? **

**VRISKA: Wow, John. Really?**

**VRISKA: Wow.**

**VRISKA: Time to get a clue!**

Tavros groped for the ring behind John's back and John swatted his hand away.

**VRISKA: Hasn't it ever occurred to you to wonder who the ultim8 8ad guy of this adventure was going to 8e?**

**JOHN: ultimate bad guy?**

**JOHN: you mean like the last boss?**

**VRISKA: Man, even that way of putting it is a little too pedestrian.**

**VRISKA: I mean, I already 8eat a last 8oss! The 8lack king was the officially sanctioned last 8oss of our session, and I killed him. This is different.**

**VRISKA: There's always someone stronger w8ing to 8e revealed. Jack showed up shortly after that, and he was MUCH stronger.**

**VRISKA: Eventually the curtains get pulled 8ack, and you find out who was 8ehind every terri8le thing that happened all along. Someone who is invaria8ly stronger than all other adversaries 8y a wide margin. The supreme villain!**

**VRISKA: To 8e honest, I was always kind of w8ing for that guy to show up, whoever he was. For the other shoe to drop, you know? There's always a 8ig 8ad 8ehind everything. A true gamer sees stuff like this coming a mile away.**

**JOHN: ok. if you say so.**

**JOHN: i always kind of thought jack was evil and strong enough to be our main antagonist. but if you say there is someone even stronger and more evil, then... wow.**

**VRISKA: Yes, I'll admit, I was fooled 8y Jack 8riefly.**

**VRISKA: For a little while, I thought he was the supreme menace, and I would have to face him in a final showdown.**

**VRISKA: 8ut it turned out that was just a 8it of standard misdirection. He was just another step up in a typical pattern of escal8tion involving increasingly "insurmounta8le" threats, which legendary heroes like us have to overcome to achieve total victory over everything.**

**VRISKA: Also, let's face it. I don't think Jack is all that evil, so much as he's just a murderous asshole. Trust me, I know the type.**

**VRISKA: 8ut English, that guy is as evil as they come. He's the real deal!**

**TAVROS: oKAY, cAN i JUST SAY SOMETHING,**

**TAVROS: i STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO SURE, hE'S THE FINAL VILLAIN,**

**TAVROS: bECAUSE, yOU YOURSELF SAID, tHERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE STRONGER, rIGHT,**

**TAVROS: sO, i'M PERCEIVING A CONTRADICTION ABOUT YOUR FACTS,**

**VRISKA: Tavros, come on. We've already talked a8out this ad nauseum.**

**VRISKA: He's the 8ig 8ad! It's so o8vious. I mean, MAY8E there's someone stronger out there in paradox space? Who knows.**

**VRISKA: 8ut whoever that is has nothing to fucking do with this massive extended multiverse-spanning campaign!**

**VRISKA: English was the guy who stacked the whole deck against us from the start, rigging shit to go haywire, wiping out our race, 8lowing up universes, exterimin8ting ghosts, slaughtering dark gods, and shattering reality itself. Pretty sure we reached the top floor, 8uddy!**

**TAVROS: oKAY, bUT ALL i'M SAYING IS, wHAT IF,**

**TAVROS: tHERE'S SOMEONE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT, dUE TO SPECULATION,**

**VRISKA: Un8elieva8le.**

**VRISKA: John, just ignore him. He tends to 8e contrary just for the sake of 8eing contrary. It's just what he does these days.**

**VRISKA: He seems to think it's how you show confidence and assertiveness. The key to high self esteem is apparently just saying "nuh uh!" all the time.**

**TAVROS: nO, tHAT'S NOT TRUE,**

**VRISKA: See?**

**VRISKA: This was apparently the 8ig lesson he learned from sharing a 8rain with me for a few minutes. In order to feel good a8out yourself, just 8e a constant pain in the ass!**

**TAVROS: nO, tHAT'S NOT WHAT i LEARNED,**

**JOHN: haha.**

**JOHN: i see what you mean.**

**TAVROS: nO,**

**TAVROS: nO,**

**TAVROS: nO, oKAY, i REALIZE ALL i'M SAYING IS NO, WHICH IS JUST HELPING MAKE YOU LOOK AS RIGHT AS POSSIBLE ABOUT MAKING FUN OF ME,**

**TAVROS: bUT i LEARNED IN YOUR BRAIN THAT YOU AREN'T ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING,**

**TAVROS: yOU WERE WRONG ABOUT LOTS OF THINGS,**

**TAVROS: yOU WERE WRONG ABOUT RUFIO!**

**TAVROS: rUFIO WAS REAL ALL ALONG, }:D**

**VRISKA: Alright, granted, there did in fact exist a person 8y that name.**

**VRISKA: You aren't spelling it right, though.**

**TAVROS: hOW DO YOU KNOW HOW i'M SPELLING IT, wHEN i'M JUST TALKING, iNSTEAD OF USING LETTERS,**

Tavros reached for the ring again and John slapped his hand hard.

**VRISKA: 8ecause that's how you spelled it when we used to chat online, dum8ass! You weren't using enough letters.**

**TAVROS: sO,**

**VRISKA: And in any case, he doesn't actually represent your self esteem. He's just some dude.**

**TAVROS: bUT, hE MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF wHEN i THINK OF HIM, sO THE REALITY IS EFFECTIVELY EQUIVALENT TO MY FRAUDULENT CHILDHOOD SUPERSTITION,**

**VRISKA: Lol. Whatever floats your 8oat.**

**JOHN: you both seem a bit testy with each other. it's kind of funny.**

**JOHN: actually it's a little hard to believe you and he are...**

**VRISKA: What?**

**JOHN: er...**

**JOHN: never mind, actually.**

**VRISKA: ?!**


	219. Book 13 Chapter 6: Mapping Reality

Chapter 6: Mapping Reality

**JOHN: i take it you were pretty good friends back on your planet?**

**VRISKA: You could say that.**

**VRISKA: There's a pretty loaded history 8etween us. It's pro8a8ly 8est not to get into it.**

**VRISKA: None of that matters anymore anyway, it was so long ago. You know how it is.**

**JOHN: um. sure?**

**VRISKA: Issues 8etween people seem like such a 8ig deal when they're happening. 8ut then you die, and time just goes on, and on... then on some more.**

**VRISKA: If enough time passes, shit that used to 8e a 8ig deal kind of stops mattering.**

**VRISKA: Ok, full disclosure. I used to do a lot of terri8le things to Tavros.**

**VRISKA: Once I launched him off a cliff and paralyzed him. And if that wasn't 8ad enough, I spent sweeps mocking him for the disa8ility I caused! Haha.**

**VRISKA: Oh yeah. Then I killed him.**

**JOHN: oh, right. i remember you said you killed someone that you cared about. i guess this is him?**

**VRISKA: Mm hm.**

**VRISKA: 8ut like I said, that's suuuuuuuuch old news now, it might as well not have even happened.**

**VRISKA: Tavros doesn't give a shit a8out that stuff anymore.**

**TAVROS: hEY, wAIT, mAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T, SPEAK FOR ME?**

**TAVROS: i STILL KIND OF THINK THAT STUFF WAS ALL PRETTY MEAN, eVEN THOUGH IT WAS FOREVER AGO,**

**TAVROS: iT'S JUST, i HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THE BIGGER MAN, aND NOT HOLD IT AGAINST LIKING YOU,**

**VRISKA: Hahahaha! John, can you 8elieve this guy?**

**VRISKA: This is the kind of shit I have to deal with all the time.**

**TAVROS: oH GOD,**

**TAVROS: nO, tIME OUT, i'M FLAGGING THIS, vRISKA, aS TERRIBLE BEHAVIOR,**

**VRISKA: Tavros, the 8igger man is only ACTUALLY the 8igger man if he doesn't refer to himself as the 8igger man. That's kind of the point?**

**VRISKA: Unless the intent is to produce some form of socially awkward comic relief, which let's face it, is what you're all a8out.**

**VRISKA: 8ut that's what I like a8out you.**

**TAVROS: yES, }:)**

**JOHN: hmm, i feel like... maybe we got sidetracked there?**

**JOHN: maybe you should tell me more about this english guy.**

**JOHN: frankly, it seems like i'm usually one of the last people to learn about stuff like this, and it's starting to make me feel like a bit of a tool.**

**VRISKA: He's just some huge overpowered green freak. A time traveling monster, supposedly invinci8le.**

**VRISKA: Who he is, what he is, where he came from, none of that really matters.**

**VRISKA: What matters is how we're going to defeat him.**

**VRISKA: That's what Tavros and I have 8een working on here for some time now.**

**JOHN: working on what? **

**VRISKA: Treasure hunting!**

**JOHN: oh yeah? **

**JOHN: what treasure? **

**VRISKA: Yes. Ok, I should explain.**

**VRISKA: There's sort of a plan in motion to 8eat English. It's a three pronged approach.**

**VRISKA: A num8er of people out here in the furthest ring are working on different prongs of the strategy independently.**

**VRISKA: The first is a quest to find the lost ghost of some alien girl. She's said to 8e one of the keys to defeating him in some way.**

**VRISKA: Other people are allegedly out there working on that right now. If you ask me, it sounds like a really 8oring approach to defeating him. Who knows if it's even true.**

**TAVROS: (gIVe it tO me,)**

**JOHN: (stop that!) **

**JOHN: (keep your hands to yourself.) **

**VRISKA: The second is a quest to raise an army of ghosts to challenge him directly in some kind of huge 8attle royale, I guess.**

**VRISKA: From what I understand, some yahoo out there is 8usy rounding people up. I really have no idea how that's going. I usually just hear stuff through the grapevine.**

**VRISKA: That approach doesn't really interest me either. Gonna file it under "8oring" as well. Seems a little heavy handed, not to mention too slow.**

**TAVROS: (gIve Me thE riNG,)**

**JOHN: (no!) **

**TAVROS: (yes, yOu ASs,)**

**JOHN: (dude, you suck at whispering!) **

**TAVROS: (you sAiD you'D GIve it to me,)**

**JOHN: (i changed my mind!) **

**VRISKA: The third prong is what Tavros and I are 8usy with. The aforementioned treasure hunt.**

**VRISKA: The legend says there's some mystical ancient treasure hidden somewhere out here in the furthest ring.**

**VRISKA: I'm assuming it's some kind of weapon. It's said that if you use it, or like, activ8te it in some way, he can 8e defeated forever.**

**VRISKA: The nature of the treasure is pretty vague, actually. 8ut the first rule of treasure hunting, which I'm admittedly just making up now, is that it doesn't fucking matter what the treasure is.**

**TAVROS: (wE had a deAl,)**

**JOHN: (quit it!) **

**TAVROS: (why Are you sUcH a liar,)**

**JOHN: (shut up. i'm keeping it.) **

**TAVROS: (thiS is noT cOOl,)**

**TAVROS: (you're PrevenTing joYful human sTYled matrimonY frOM happEning,)**

**JOHN: (yeah right. like she would even say yes.) **

**JOHN: (i don't even think she's really your girlfriend. i think you made that up!) **

**TAVROS: (wow, no, wOw,)**

**TAVROS: (you wEnt thERE,)**

**VRISKA: These three goals are all tied to the same legend which I've uncovered clues a8out over time. Legendary shit is everywhere out here. I'm seriously up to my ass in legend. Hell, I probably even qualify as a legend myself!**

**VRISKA: When it comes to solving a 8ig mystery like this, it doesn't hurt that everywhere we go, places are composed of the collective memories of many different adventurers.**

**VRISKA: We've explored ancient crypts, networks of 8urial mounds, dusty old tom8s, giant pyramids, you name it. Hints a8out the endgame are hidden all over the place.**

**VRISKA: Really, everyone's pretty lucky I died so I could do all the dirty work on this. Let's get real, no8ody's 8etter prepared to take on the treasure hunting duties than I am.**

**TAVROS: (unhAnd the treasurE,)**

**TAVROS: (it's prEcious to Me, jUst liKe, My beautiful GIRLFRIEND,)**

**JOHN: (you are so full of shit!) **

**TAVROS: (we're in LOVE toGetHEr, aSSHole,)**

**JOHN: (there's no way you're getting this ring.) **

**TAVROS: (fUCk, YoU,)**

**VRISKA: Not that I'd have it any other way. This just sounds like the 8est plan to me. Why 8other messing around with an army of ghostly dipshits, or some shy magic alien when you can go str8 for the ultim8 weapon?**

**VRISKA: Hell, may8e I'll just walk right up to him, one-shot the guy and end it all right there.**

**VRISKA: That's how a real pro goes a8out 8usiness. You take any shortcut you find.**

**JOHN: (i am going to wish as super hard as i can that i wake up with this ring.) **

**JOHN: (it's probably magic, so i bet it makes my wish come true!) **

**TAVROS: (i doubT that From happeNing,)**

**JOHN: (if i wish hard enough, that will make it slightly less impossible!) **

**TAVROS: (oh, you bastARD, you arE gOOd,)**

**JOHN: (i think some day i will use it to propose to *MY* girlfriend. what do you think about THAT, wise guy?) **

**TAVROS: (noOO!)**

**TAVROS: (gIMme,)**

**JOHN: (this is pathetic.) **

**JOHN: (stop grabbing at me! we're missing what she's saying!) **

**JOHN: (she's going to think we're idiots, won't you STOP?) **

**VRISKA: Are you fuckers even listening to me? God DAMN it.**

**JOHN: yes! **

**VRISKA: No you're not. You're squa88ling with Tavros and his loud shitty whispering a8out some 8ullshit.**

**VRISKA: Come on, guys. Am I really 8eing that 8oring?**

**VRISKA: I'm really starting to understand how my ancestor must have felt sometimes. No8ody ever respects an important explan8tion!**

**TAVROS: (i've alReadY heARd yoUR explANAtions, tHough,)**

**VRISKA: Why are you still whispering jackass?!**

**TAVROS: oHH,**

**TAVROS: sORRY,**

**VRISKA: Sigh.**

**VRISKA: 8oth of you just keep your damn hands to yourselves, shut up, and let me finish my story.**

**VRISKA: Tavros! 8ring me the treasure maps!**

**TAVROS: yES,**

**TAVROS: rIGHT AWAY,**

They were now in a projection of LOMAT, Vriska's old planet. Tavros vanished for a few seconds, quickly returning with a bunch of rolled up pieces of paper and dumping them on the ground.

**VRISKA: Yes, that's it. Dump them all over the floor a8out ten feet away from me, just like that.**

**VRISKA: The sloppier the pile and the further away from me the 8etter. Gr8 jo8, Tavros.**

**TAVROS: tHANK YOU,**

**VRISKA: John, come take a look at this.**

**JOHN: those are all treasure maps?**

**VRISKA: Sort of! Pro8a8ly not like any maps you've seen.**

**VRISKA: Check it out. This ought to help you understand how frustr8ting this treasure hunt really is.**

She rolled one of them open and held it up for John to see.

**VRISKA: John, tell me what you see here.**

**JOHN: um...**

**JOHN: where?**

**VRISKA: Right here.**

**VRISKA: What is this? This thing I'm holding?**

**JOHN: a black piece of paper?**

**VRISKA: No, John.**

**VRISKA: This is 8ULLSHIT is what it is.**

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: yes, clearly.**

**VRISKA: This is what a map looks like in the furthest ring.**

**VRISKA: This is what ALL maps look like out here.**

**VRISKA: Turns out plotting the relative geographical features of an infinite 8lack expanse of pure void is every 8it as moronic as it sounds. 8ut that didn't stop some ancient eldritch chucklefuck from doing exactly that.**

**VRISKA: For the longest time, this is all we've had to go on when it came to deciphering the clues and figuring out the coordin8tes of the legendary treasure.**

**VRISKA: Do you have any idea how hard it is to pin down the physical location of something out here? Never mind the fact that physical location in the furthest ring is already a mallea8le concept. Just imagine what it's like giving someone directions! What do you tell them?**

**VRISKA: Proceed in a str8 line shaped like a perpetually shifting torus knot until you feel a sense of despair transcending all mortal comprehension, then hang a right at the next octopus?**

**VRISKA: There's nothing static out there. No landmarks, no points of reference. Nothing!**

**VRISKA: If you want to make any headway in this gr8 8ig field of fuckall, SOMEONE has got to start wrecking some shit.**

**JOHN: would that someone be you?**

**VRISKA: Haha. I wish I had that kind of firepower. 8ut no.**

Tavros handed her another map.

**VRISKA: You wouldn't 8elieve my luck. **

**VRISKA: You see, recently someone's 8een doing that dirty work for us. **

**VRISKA: Want to know what the kicker is?**

She rolled it open, revealing the same blackness, only this time covered in flashing cracks and a dotted line snaking across it, more resemblant of an actual treasure map.

**VRISKA: The guy who's 8een fucking shit up is the 8ig 8ad himself!**

**VRISKA: Every time he destroys another dream 8u88le, he does a little more damage to the furthest ring, inexplica8ly shattering the essence of all-encompassing nothingness.**

**VRISKA: As the cracks spread across the void, new points of reference show up on our maps!**

**VRISKA: Then we look at the angles and intersections and all the shapes formed 8y the cracks, and compare them to our notes from the various riddles and clues we've discovered a8out the path to the treasure.**

**VRISKA: It's actually a little like how in old times on Alternia, pir8s used to navig8 8y shapes the stars made. Constell8tions used to have a lot of significance in our culture, not just guiding explorers on their journeys to physical destin8tions, 8ut guiding them on the choices they made in life, pertaining to f8 and all that. Not that humans would really understand anything like that.**

**VRISKA: I actually find the situ8tion to 8e pretty funny. This guy's ego must 8e astronomical. Classic case of unchecked hu8ris paving the way for his own downfall.**

**VRISKA: I didn't even need to 8uild a we8 to trap him. He just went ahead and started 8uilding his own.**

**VRISKA: Talk a8out a lucky 8r8k!**

She started assembling the entire map sort of like a puzzle.

**JOHN: that is pretty neat.**

**JOHN: so does that mean you know where the treasure is now?**

**VRISKA: No, 8ecause the map isn't complete yet!**

**VRISKA: Needs more cracks so we can plot the rest of the course. All we're a8le to do now is head in the right general direction.**

**VRISKA: So ironically in order to prevent reality from 8eing destroyed, we need to w8 for it to 8e damaged further. In fact, we're 8etter off encouraging it!**

**JOHN: encouraging it?**

**JOHN: what, you mean like, making him mad so he breaks more... uh...**

**JOHN: nothingness?**

**VRISKA: Yes, 8ut it has to 8e strategic. We have to somehow lead him in the direction of the places we want him to damage.**

**VRISKA: Specifically, the places where the route dead-ends. Wherever we need new points of reference to keep going.**

**JOHN: so that means you have to piss him off i guess.**

**VRISKA: Not really. He's already pissed off. I think he's just permanently that way?**

**VRISKA: It's more a8out getting his attention. Using the right 88! Like going fishing.**

**VRISKA: 8ut to do that, you gotta know what he really wants. Like what motiv8tes him. I mean, 8esides indiscrimin8tely killing dead children and huge tentacle monsters.**

**JOHN: i am guessing you have an idea what that might be?**

**VRISKA: Sure. The rumor is he's trying to find that dead alien girl I mentioned, and kill her ghost for good.**

**VRISKA: If he catches on to the fact that some of us are looking for her too, and thinks we're hot on her trail, he'll pro8a8ly start following us around and wreaking havoc wherever we go.**

**VRISKA: We just have to make sure we're in the right place when he tries to kill us. Oh, also try not to actually die again while we're at it. Haha.**

**JOHN: so the bait is really you.**

**VRISKA: Sort of! It's actually more the 8ogus idea that we'll lead him to the cheru8, 8ecause we're looking for her too. Which we're o8viously not.**

**VRISKA: There's some manipul8tion involved.**

**JOHN: ok. how do you know he'll go for it? i mean, how will he actually know you're "looking" for her?**

**VRISKA: That's a pretty good question. Have to admit, I don't have everything quite figured out yet.**

**TAVROS: yEEAAAAAAAAAAH,**

**VRISKA: Shhhhhhh! I'm still talking!**

**TAVROS: bUT, tHAT'S NEVER NOT BEING THE CASE, aLWAYS,**

**VRISKA: Nice sentence, genius! Anyway, like I was saying...**

**VRISKA: I'm hoping my exploits can spread throughout the ring 8y word of mouth. Tales of my legend, you know?**

**VRISKA: Then once he catches on, he'll come looking for us, and then presuma8ly go apeshit with his rain8ow laser 8reath. Metaphysical cataclysm ensues.**

**JOHN: that sounds... optimistic?**

**TAVROS: yEAH, eXACTLY,**

**TAVROS: sEE, tHIS TO ME, mAYBE SPEAKS TO THE DANGER,**

**TAVROS: oF HAVING SELF ESTEEM THAT IS UNREASONABLY HIGH,**

**JOHN: heh.**

**VRISKA: Oh, shut up.**

**VRISKA: I said it's a work in progress!**

**VRISKA: We might need to make a 8igger spectacle of ourselves somehow. Get more people involved. I don't know.**

**VRISKA: It does seems like he's more drawn toward gr8ter concentr8tions of ghosts.**

**VRISKA: There's still plenty of time to figure it out. That's one thing a8out 8eing dead. There's always more time.**

**VRISKA: Plus, needless to say, lady luck will ALWAYS 8e on our side! ::::)**

**JOHN: well...**

**JOHN: cool!**

**JOHN: that was actually a very interesting story, vriska.**

**JOHN: you're a pretty good story teller!**

**VRISKA: You think so? **

**TAVROS: oH, yES, i THINK SO TOO,**

**TAVROS: sHE'S GOTTEN MUCH BETTER AT STORIES, aS A RECREATIONAL LONG TERM DEATH HOBBY,**

**JOHN: oh yeah?**

**TAVROS: sURE, wE'VE BOTH LOOKED AT LESSONS FROM OUR ANCESTORS, tO IMPROVE OUR SOULS,**

**TAVROS: hER ANCESTRAL AWAKENING HAS TO DO WITH UNDERSTANDING HER DESTINY, tO TELL LONG STORIES TO PEOPLE, aND MAKE THEM LISTEN TO ALL THE WORDS IRREGARDLESS OF THEIR INTEREST, bY ANY MEANS NECESSARY,**

**TAVROS: tHE ART OF SAYING OPTIMAL TALES BY MY UNDERSTANDING, iS TO CHARGE THROUGH ALL CONCEIVABLE DETAILS AND EXCESSIVE MINUTIA, uNTIL THEY ARE EXHAUSTED COMPLETELY, mUCH LIKE IT IS A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE, aND EXTRANEOUS INFORMATION IS TREATED LIKE THE RELIGIOUS WORDS YOU SAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL BRAIN PEACE HAPPENS,**

**JOHN: that's... one way of looking at it.**

**JOHN: i don't know about excessive minutia or brain peace, but i was hanging on every word!**

**VRISKA: Aw, you guys. You're making me 8lush. **

**JOHN: i wish i could hang out with you longer and maybe even help you with your treasure hunt.**

**JOHN: but i just know i'm gonna be waking up soon.**

**JOHN: darn. who even knows how long it will be before we meet again in another bubble?**

**TAVROS: yEAH, wELL,**

**TAVROS: tHEM'S THE BREAKS, aHA, aHA,**

**TAVROS: (soOn, iT wilL be MIne,)**

**VRISKA: Don't mind him, John. He's just 8eing weird and tooly again. **

**VRISKA: It was nice to see you and catch up like this. If we don't meet in another dream soon, don't worry. **

**VRISKA: I have a feeling we'll 8e crossing paths again 8efore this is all over!**


	220. Book 13 Chapter 7: Rufioh and Horuss

Chapter 7: Rufioh and Horuss

Meenah stepped onto the platform around the tree on the other side of the rope bridge, opening a nearby chest to get some Fiduspawn cards. Gotta hatch em all!... is advice you should follow if you want way too many Fiduspawn crawling around. For safety reasons, the manufacturer recommended that you only hatch some.

She walked over to Rufioh Nitram, who was also standing around on the platform.

**MEENAH: sup nitram**

**RUFIOH: oh, hey doll... you were gone a crazy long t1me...**

**RUFIOH: good to have you back, though... yo, that bomb stunt you pulled was some crazy sh*t.** **#thought you were hatch1ng a sweet f1duspawn w1th that th1ng tbh…**

**MEENAH: wasnt no thang**

**RUFIOH: don't sell yourself short... 1 don't th1nk 1 could have done that. you're pretty gangsta, pe1xes.**

**MEENAH: yeah i know**

**MEENAH: hey lets stop talking about how badbass i am a minute and talk about you ****#wanna axe you things**

**RUFIOH:shoot, doll...**

**MEENAH: those wings**

**MEENAH: you was hatched with em right**

**MEENAH: or i guess pupated them ****#when you hit puperty?**

**RUFIOH: ha, yeah that's r1ght... 1'm a "m*tant"... don't tell kankr1 1 sa1d that! he's my boy, but you know how he's not down w1th l1ngo l1ke that… ****#l1ngo l1ke… #you know… #regular words**

**MEENAH: ug dont even say it he will like teleport into our conversation with ghost magic just to shoosh you**

**RUFIOH: yeah... he does that to you too, huh... that's some crazy sh*t!**

**MEENAH: ok so you always had wings then**

**MEENAH: then i guess you arent secretly a god tier or**

**RUFIOH: nah... m1ght have been cool to go full on rogue... hey, maybe you coulda g1ven me l1ke, steal1ng po1nters... what as a th1ef and all!**

**RUFIOH: but naw, 1 don't th1nk 1 could have gone through w1th that... not 1ntent1onally 1 mean...**

**MEENAH: what why not**

**RUFIOH: 1 don't know... k1ll1ng yourself, that's... a heavy th1ng to do. 1'm not l1ke you, meenah... 1 don't th1nk anyone 1s... well maybe damara 1s k1nda... but maybe we shouldn't go 1nto that, hahaha. let unhatched f1duspawn l1e, you know…**

**MEENAH: …**

**RUFIOH: what 1'm say1ng 1s, you got game... and 1 can d1g that... but 1 was never as brave as people always thought... 1 don't know why they always thought that about me. maybe 1t's my w1ngs or my mohawk... or when 1 shout bangarang somet1mes real loud? makes 1t seem l1ke 1'm the sh1t, w1th b1g self esteem... but my self esteem 1s noth1ng really to crow about... 1 dunno...**

**MEENAH: alright so you never god tiered but i still dont get somefin**

**MEENAH: didnt you have a totally fuckin stupid robot body at some point or did i just imagine that**

**MEENAH: that whole period of time in our session was reel foggy to me i guess because i was dead for a while there ****#maybe i got the ghost madness #could SWEAR you was a metal horse tho**

**RUFIOH: yeaaah...**

**RUFIOH: no, the robot body was def1n1tely a th1ng... 1 k1nd of blocked that out of my memory too, haha... that was... that sh*t was someth1ng else, yo! crazy...**

**RUFIOH: 1'm sure you remember how all that started... back when damara and 1 were st1ll dat1ng... r1ng any bells?**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: fuckin megido**

**MEENAH: do we really need to rehash that ancient bullshit drama ****#bull #lol #wait… #why dont you ever do bull puns? #FAIL**

**RUFIOH: no, no... heh, just say1ng 1s all... 1t was that whole th1ng... anyway, that's when horuss was k1nd of mack1ng on me, remember... and 1 wasn't all about to vac1llate w1th h1m and her cause 1 knew how she was... d*mn, so jealous... so f***1ng crazy...**

**RUFIOH: so she made me a cr*pple, remember?**

**MEENAH: tag that shit homie ****#abaloneism**

**RUFIOH: d*mn, yeah... 1 mean, she busted me up... couldn't move a muscle... well, could st1ll flap my w1ngs well enough, haha...**

**RUFIOH: really, 1 thought 1t would be alr1ght, just flapp1ng w1ngs around... 1 could st1ll fly and just hang there l1mp... m1ght have been a dope look!**

**RUFIOH: but nah... horuss thought better of 1t. bu1lt me the robo-bod, wh1ch was pretty t1ght…** **#l1ke l1terally… #screwed that sh*t together T1GHT! #dude 1s good**

**RUFIOH: lost my w1ngs though wh1ch sucked... and k1nd of awkward just hav1ng a real guy's head on top of a b1g metal body and mak1ng all those d*mn legs move the r1ght way, you know... trott1ng 1s hard work yo.** **#espec1ally on sta1rs… #}:(**

**RUFIOH: better than be1ng a cr*pple though. 1 mean a quadr1pleg1c, oops, haha... but 1 guess you d1dn't know what happened after that, s1nce you and damara were k1ll1ng each other and all...**

**MEENAH: no what**

**RUFIOH: well... 1 d1ed. yeah... but...**

**RUFIOH: that's l1ke... wow, long story... guess you never heard... 1'll tell you some other t1me, 1t's th1s whole crazy th1ng. but...**

**RUFIOH: 1 was dead, r1ght? and horuss k1ssed me back to l1fe... but just my head 1 th1nk... he was probably stand1ng on some mounta1n str1k1ng a pose l1ke a f***1ng gangsta, probably f1ght1ng a hoofbeast w1th a flam1ng mane and all…** **#hope someone pa1nted that sh*t… #1nstant masterp1ece**

**RUFIOH: so yeah, next you saw me 1 had my normal body aga1n... 1t was cool of h1m to help me all the ways he has.**

**RUFIOH: and yeah, we went out, me and h1m... for a long t1me after that, k1nda off and on, even after we d1ed... 1n case you were gonna ask…**

**MEENAH: i wasnt**

**RUFIOH: r1ght... haha... too much 1nformat1on 1 guess? sorry doll.**

**RUFIOH: 1 always wanted to thank you for stand1ng up for me... you know, when she cr*ppled me... even though 1t cost ya... that was pure class, pe1xes, 1'll never forget 1t.**

**MEENAH: man i wouldnt have had to if you could just stand up for yourself sometimes**

**MEENAH: i mean being paralyzed notfishstanding**

**RUFIOH: heh... yeah... 1 guess…**

**MEENAH: you are the only guy in our group who was ever even close to being pretty cool**

**MEENAH: everyone else sucks but you were almost alright**

**MEENAH: you were always such a pushover though**

**MEENAH: pretty lame bro ****#TW #CRIPPLE ENTENDRE #suck it**

**KANKRI: Excuse me. Meenah, "lame" is an a6leist slur, which in this c9ntext is REALLY inappr9priate. Tagging y9ur j9kes with "ir9nic" trigger warnings really d9es n9t excuse the 6ehavi9r. I'll thank y9u t9 refrain fr9m using such terms in the future.**

**MEENAH: AAAAAUG) (A**

**MEENAH: anyways**

**MEENAH: i probubbly shouldnt even ask this since youre not as brave as people make out with you to be**

**MEENAH: i mean make you out to be ****#wait #what did i say #nm**

**MEENAH: but would you want to come away with me to...**

**RUFIOH: whoa, man... not you too! ahaha...**

**MEENAH: wut**

**RUFIOH: 1t's f1ne... 1t's alr1ght that you d1g me, 1'm flattered... you were just the last person who hadn't h1t on me yet... and 1 k1nda dug that about you, you know?**

**MEENAH: i wasnt asking you out dope**

**RUFIOH: oh... wow... sh*t! sorry, guess 1 got the wrong 1dea...**

**RUFIOH: 1t's just k1nd of a reflex, doll... you know? everybody h1ts on me all the t1me, and 1 don't know why... sh*t 1s crazy...**

**RUFIOH: just the other day, get th1s... some orange guy 1n a green sh1rt jumped out of some bushes and tr1ed to k1ss me... and 1'm l1ke whaaat... step off jolly man, haha...**

**MEENAH: maybe its cause youre a bishie ass glubberfucker with a kickin hawk**

**RUFIOH: yo, that's cool of you to say... you've got k1nda th1s otenba b1shojo th1ng go1ng on yourself, g1rl... your style rocks, 1 always thought you looked pretty slamm1n…** **#1 could g1ve you mohawk dy1ng t1ps #you'd rock the sh*t out of that look!**

**MEENAH: for what its worth**

**MENAH: i would be your moe dere dere waifu in the beat of a pump biscuit**

**MENAH: if i was remotely attracted to you or found your personality more appealing**

**MEENAH: and also if i shared your dumb passion for troll anime and didnt think it clogged massive blowhole**

**RUFIOH: ahaha, bangarang! that's a scenar1o 1'd be alr1ght w1th...**

**RUFIOH: no one really to talk to anymore about my stor1es, yo... s1nce th1ngs got so ch1lly w1th my ex…**

**MEENAH: goddamn witch**

**RUFIOH: seriously... she crazy…**

**RUFIOH: so what were you go1ng to ask me... uh, 1f not on a date? ****#and 1f not what brand of mohawk dye dye 1 use**

**MEENAH: never mind**

**MEENAH: youre not even gonna agree anyway cause this team suuuuucks**

**MEENAH: later ruf**

She left.

**RUFIOH: aw man…**

**RUFIOH: my lusus 1s m1ss1ng aga1n and 1 can't th1nk stra1ght w1thout h1m...**

Meenah. walked up a flight of steps. At the top was a chest with an extremely complicated lock. There was no way she could open it. Only someone who was handy with gadgets would be able to. She found Mituna on the ground lying nearby too. No doubt he had just fallen after attempting a stunt. D'aw, he looked all tuckered out lying there under that weird brain tree. She wasn't going to bother him. She walked back down the steps and tried to proceed to the next section of the dream bubble but found it blocked by some huge quartz obstacle. It was from one of Damara's memories. Stinkin' witch. She never made it easy, did she?

She walked over to Horuss, who was standing nearby. He was wearing his usual steampunk ensemble: a helmet with a chinstrap on it and large goggles, and a tight brown one-piece suit. He waved as she approached.

**HORUSS: 8=D Your Harness... I mean Hayness. Highness I mean.**

**HORUSS: 8=D F*DDLEST*%. Please pardon my utterly e%ecrable language, and unforgivable stammering, your Horseness. ****#Sh*ot! #I mean Hayness! #Whew.**

He began to sweat.

**HORUSS: 8=D I am a bale of nerves in your royal presence, and it has been so long.**

**HORUSS: 8=D And when I am so spooked, you must know how that causes me to even more firmly identify with the majestic hoofbeast.**

**MEENAH: hey uh**

**MEENAH: horuss what…**

**MEENAH: what the fuck is that thing youre prefixing all your talkin with**

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh, this? What, you don't recognize it?**

**MEENAH: no and its weirding me out**

**HORUSS: 8=D Why, it is my smiling face, you s*lly, utterly superior person, you. Goggles and all. Can't you see?**

**MEENAH: i**

**MEENAH: guess?**

**MEENAH: its disturbin as heck to me for whatever reason**

**HORUSS: 8=D The last thing I desire is to disconcert our prodigal empress.**

**HORUSS: 8=D I just thought I would try smiling permanently and uncompromisingly, rather than resnorting to all those disgruntled e%pressions I usually trot out. ****#I've been cutting back on the horse puns too, as you can see.**

**MEENAH: why the eff would you want to do that**

**HORUSS: 8=D It was on Meulin's suggestion, actually. ****#8=3**

**MEENAH: huh?**

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh, I guess you must not have herd. She and I have developed quite a STRONG and stable moirallegiance recently.**

**MEENAH: daaaang ****#disclaimer: #less impressed than i sound**

**MEENAH:that matchup makes no glubbin sense dude** **#cats+horse #ftw**

**HORUSS: 8=D E%actly. Whoof would have thought? If you a%ed me before we all died whether I would consider romantically pairing with a r*d*culous midb100d, let alone Ms. Leijon of all people, I'd probably have died regardless, due to laughter-induced asphy%iation. ****#If you're going to go #Go out with a smile #8=D**

**HORUSS: 8=D But do you know what it was that finally cleared the sweat steam-induced fog from my goggles? It was meeting our post-scratch counterparts. ****#Dancestors #Or shall I say #Dressagecestors?**

**HORUSS: 8=D Seeing our corresponding young Alternians, why it threatened to produce a tear-induced f100d on the inside of my goggles.** **#Which naturally I would drain right away through the custom sweat valves**

**HORUSS: 8=D Their relationship in spite of the STRONG class disparity I found to be so moving, so pure. It made me reconsider my perspective on Meulin entirely, who horsenestly I'd hardly ever given a second thought.**

**HORUSS: 8=D It's funny, don't you think? How our young ancestors took to a completely different social configuration, making for some rather odd pairings, both platonic and otherwise. A whole host of counterintuitive minglings, up and down the hemospectrum with no regard for class compatibility. And yet it all seems to make a strange amount of sense. Neigh, I might go as far as saying it's all oddly rather...**

**HORUSS: 8=D T*tillating? Or no, perhaps what I mean is some of their Alternian indiscretions feel a bit, I don't know...**

**HORUSS: 8=D Naughty?**

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh ph**ey, that's not what I mean either. (Pardon my p*ttymouth.) Now you'll probably mistake me for some kind of r*scally deviant. ****#My mouth is quite the l*ad g*per today.**

**MEENAH: man why yall still act like you give a heap of manure about dating down on the spectrum**

**MEENAH: you and nitram been a thing for how long now**

**HORUSS: 8=D Yes, but no one was supposed to know about that!**

**HORUSS: 8=D That was always to be my own private, um, e%ploration. I had no intention of creating such a stirrup. ****#Though I have literally smithed such items before, pun notwithstanding.**

**HORUSS: 8=D It was only to be a very private, fleeting dalliance with a BUOY, but the whole thing became so quickly scandalized. ****#A spur of the moment affair, really.**

**HORUSS: 8=D And soon others were whisked into it such as you and the vengeful rust b100d, and... well, imagine my embarrassment. Trust me, the last thing I wanted was for royalty such as yourself to know I was pursuing forbidden b100d. To be caught with my hoof in the chocolate jar, so to nicker.**

**MEENAH: ill**

**HORUSS: 8=D And I suppose I would have clopped my hands of the matter after the big k*rfuffle, but...**

**HORUSS: 8=D I guess I didn't e%pect to fall in love.**

**MEENAH:**

**HORUSS: 8=D It's true. I am not ashamed to say it. I fell mane over hooves. Phantom snout over phantom hind quarters. He...**

**HORUSS: 8=D He stole my breath away. ****#With but a roguish glance.**

**MEENAH: wow life story alert do not care**

**HORUSS: 8=D My apologies, your E%cellency.**

**MEENAH: just tell me why paling up with meu means you have to make that terrible face now**

**HORUSS: 8=D She's taught me to get in touch with my anger. Through a moderately discernible series of enthusiastic mimes, she has made it clear that it is much healthier to crush all negative emotions beneath a stampede of positivity, and to always be cheerful and upbeat no matter what, even if projecting that facade is at times physically painful. ****#Such as #ALL times.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Um, yes. Very well.**

**MEENAH: that is some shitsauce advice and you should give it up homes**

**HORUSS: (;≧Д≦) Is this better?**

**MEENAH: much**

**MEENAH: oh hey uh**

**MEENAH: wanna**

**MEENAH: join me to go fight lord skulldude**

**HORUSS: 8=D Respectfully, your Superlative Magnificency, I do not think that would be advisable.**

**MEENAH: whoa shocker of the centaury ****#HORSE PUN #DIS GIRL #ON FIYA**

**HORUSS: 8=D Of course, I will if you order me to without hesitation. But lately I've been attempting to canter down a trail of nonviolence.**

**HORUSS: 8=D I've been saddled for so long with anger and hostility, and now my focus is on solving problems in ways that do not involve confrontation or physical STRENGTH.** **#Soon I may even be able to say STRENGTH without shouting.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Technology can solve so many problems, for instance. Do you have any idea how much energy is stored in sweat which may be released through its steam?**

**HORUSS: 8=D Have you any clue as to the MIGHT of a quadrupedal automaton powered by raging currents of steam coursing through its e%quisite horizontal torso, and finally jetting through a perfect pair of metal nostrils? I could build as many as you like, my Empress.**

**MEENAH: um no think i will pass on taking an army of snorting horsebots with me ****#unless you build those suckas out of gold**

**MEENAH: so thats all you do is build stupid shit that runs on your sweat now?**

**MEENAH: cause i could really use a guy with muscle**

**MEENAH: i dunno if you seen this skull dude but he is RIPP-ED** **#kinda hot actually**

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh no, that's far from my only preoccupation. I have also taken some time to perfect the art of humor.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Would you like to hear a joke?**

**MEENAH: oh noes… ****#fine**

**HORUSS: 8=D A horse trots into a thirst shanty. His muscular shoulders slouched, his noble head hanging low.**

**HORUSS: 8=D The dairyjerk observes that the great beast is clearly despondent, and asks:**

**HORUSS: 8=========D Why the long face?**

**MEENAH: euurergh**

**MEENAH: zahhak god damn it i am royally orderin you to stop doing that face forever**

**HORUSS: 8=o At once, my lady.**

**HORUSS: 8o My formerly perky visage withdraws, while my fully erect posture shrivels at your regal disapproval.**

**HORUSS: (****ಠ****益****ಠ****;) I shall henceforth emote in my customary manner, as such.**

**MEENAH: respect**

**ᕦ(ò д óˇ)ᕤ Bring me a horse, and I am yours forever.**


	221. Book 13 Chapter 8: Damara Megido

Chapter 8: Damara Megido

Down a flight of steps from where Horuss was stood Damara, half in the projection Meenah was in and half in a projection of a laboratory of some sort. Meenah walked over.

**MEENAH: sooooo**

**MEENAH: megido**

**MEENAH: here we are again**

**MEENAH: i guess**

**DAMARA:**

**MEENAH: please tell me this reunion is as awkward for you as it is for me**

**DAMARA:**

**MEENAH: not gonna say nofin huh**

**MEENAH: just going to stand there and leave me wrigglin on the hook during this frosty silence**

**MEENAH: come on you nutty bitch at least do SOM-EFIN to break the ice**

Damara flipped Meenah off.

**MEENAH: T) (ANK you**

**MEENAH: hey you didnt by any chance kidnap nitrams lusus did you**

**MEENAH: or steal all his dorky fiduspawn loot**

**MEENAH: i thought we were past this**

**MEENAH: dont tell me youre still tormenting the guy even after eternity**

**DAMARA: ****あなたのデュアルフォークを取る。二回自分自身をファック。**

**MEENAH: do what to myself twice with my double W) (AT exactly?**

**MEENAH: cod damn your weird accent is thick as ever**

**DAMARA: ****あなたに性的快感を与えるために十分な厚さではない。**

**DAMARA: ****あなたはあなたの言葉で私を退屈続けるのだろうか？または。あなたは私の服を脱ぐのだろうか？**

**DAMARA: ****私はあなたの歯の間に私の乳首を感じるようにしたい。**

**MEENAH: did you just tell me to bite something or**

**MEENAH: screw it i give up**

**MEENAH: language barrier be a fuckin motherglubber**

**DAMARA: **

She put a long white joint of something in her mouth and took a puff.

**MEENAH: hey so guess what! im building an army to kill lord ahahahaha**

**MEENAH: S) (-ELL O) ( S) (-ELL ****#aka #sea lol**

**MEENAH: like you could give a fuck about saving reality and or wouldnt just be a huge backstabbin liability out there**

**DAMARA: ****十分に公平。**

**MEENAH: but just for shits an cuttles uh**

**MEENAH: been sorta wondering**

**MEENAH: back when we like**

**MEENAH: kind of ruined each others shit**

**MEENAH: because of that whole cycle of revenge deal**

**MEENAH: and i ended up dyin and god tiering and all**

**MEENAH: remember that**

**DAMARA: ****私が覚えている。**

**DAMARA: ****時々私は、そのメモリに自慰行為。**

**MEENAH: aight not sure i followed that but ill assume it was more weird skanky sass**

**MEENAH: but what i want to know is**

**MEENAH: after the fight**

**MEENAH: did i hurt you bad enough that you maybe**

**MEENAH: crawled off and died somewhere**

**MEENAH: like in a quest cocoon**

**DAMARA: …**

**MEENAH: were you maybe all bloodied up from all those forkins**

**MEENAH: and then maybe along comes a friend with a maddening inability to hold a grudge against you for the ways you fucked him over**

**MEENAH: maybe trotting along in his new robo horse body and swooped your bloody torso up on his back**

**MEENAH: galloped off to your cocoon and draped you on the slab while probly not havin the nerve to finish you off**

**MEENAH: this ringin any bells ****#like the ones in your batty as fuck goddamn belfry?**

**DAMARA: ****性交あなたは何を話している？白痴雌犬。**

**MEENAH: IM AXING IF YOU AR-E A GOD TI-ER YOU INSCRUTABL-E FIS) (WIF-E**

**MEENAH: holy mackerel gettin info outta yous like prying a pearl from a slutty murderous clam**

**DAMARA: ****ハマグリは、真珠を生成しません。あなたは海の何も知らない。**

**MEENAH: yeah i know clams dont make pearls! look i just misspoke it was a hasty burn ok**

**MEENAH: dont be calling out my authority on the ocean dmeg you know i got all watery junk on LOCK**

**MEENAH: who you think you tryin to rile up with that amateur noise**

**DAMARA: ****あなたは非常に怒っているように見える。性交をチルアウト。のはお互いに触れてみましょう。私と一緒に投石入手してください。**

**MEENAH: omg i cant understand you**

**MEENAH: chill out and do W) (AT with you...**

**MEENAH: going to ask again as simple as i can**

**MEENAH: M-EGIDO AR-E YOU A MAGIC IMMORTAL TIM-E FAIRYWITC) ( WIT) ( S-ECR-ET BUTT-ERFLY WINGS: Y-ES OR NO**

**DAMARA: ****正確にどのくらいの。あなたは知りたいですか？水のビッチ。**

**MEENAH: damara**

**MEENAH: if horrible conversations was a video game you would truly be last boss**

**MEENAH: now where the fucks aranea and her lil windbag stand lets just get this jam over with already**

Nearby were a couple of chests. One was locked with an intricate lock again and the other looked perfectly normal. Meenah opened the normal one to reveal some fiduspawn eggs! She's seen a host plush nearby… she went searching for it, eventually finding it near where Rufioh was. She put one of the eggs inside and…

Horsaponi was hatched! What an utterly magnificent specimen. But if you train Horsaponi hard enough, one day he might become Horsaroni. By which I mean, he will grow slightly bigger, and gain no measurable advantages in combat. You will however be required to feed him more. She grabbed him with a chuckle and walked over to Horuss.

**HORUSS: 8=D You did it! You brought me a fine, young stallion!**

**HORUSS: 8=D What a beautiful gesture of friendship. I am so f*dging happy, you have no idea.**

**HORUSS: (;≧****皿≦） **** Wh**ps, so happy, I have become loose with foul language, and forgot I wasn't supposed to make that face anymore.**

**HORUSS: ᕦ(ò д óˇ)ᕤ Well, I guess I am yours forever then, whatever that means. I guess I'll do whatever you ask me to do now. Which of course I would have done anyway, your E%cellency.**

**MEENAH: okay i want you to open the chests around here with weird locks**

**MEENAH: and maybe talk to glubbin megido to see if shell get rid of that quartz thing**

**HORUSS: 8=D Will do, your Hayness!**

**HORUSS: (;≧Д≦) O*ps! ****#Highness**

Horuss found and opened the chest near the still prone Mituna, discovering a priceless work of art inside. He spent a few moments solemnly contemplating the artistic merits of the splendid classical sculpture. It was blue and long, like a vertical vase, with a protruding round bottom.

Oh shit. That's a musclebeast ph… that is… body part. I should really censor that with pixelation. Morn attempted to censor the sculpture but accidentally censored part of Horuss's face instead. Wait, no… Hang on, don't move. The pixelation is missing its mark… He tried to fix it but accidentally censored Horuss's leg. Damn it! Still not quite right… ok, hold your horses. There! Morn successfully censored the… er… lewd sculpture. Perfect! Whew, crisis averted. That was a close call.

Horuss went to find the other chest and… ran into Rufioh.

**RUFIOH: hey man. oh, heh... st1ll mak1ng that face 1 see...**

**HORUSS: 8=D Yes, I really enjoy making this face. It really helps remind me through persistent facial discomfort that appearing to be happy should always be one's top priority.**

**HORUSS: 8=O Why? You don't find it displeasing, do you?**

**RUFIOH: um... no... 1t's uh... yeah, 1t's alr1ght horuss. the look 1s really, uh... someth1ng else. wow.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Really, I could stop making the face. Meenah recently ordered me to stop making it in her presence, and I of course instantly complied. I would just as readily do the same for someone as important to me as you.**

**RUFIOH: err... haha. that's cool... but yeah, that's f1ne. really 1 can d1g the look, 1 guess. just do whatever you're feel1ng w1th 1t… ****#except for maybe #po1nt1ng 1t at me so much…**

**HORUSS: 8=D Rufioh, your affable malleability continues to be your finest quality. It is the jewel in your mohawk. A true diamond in the Ruf. You always were the ideal embodiment of your aspect, as pleasantly wayward and fickle as The Breeze itself.**

**RUFIOH: yeah... uh... thanks. 1 should probably try to work on that though...**

**HORUSS: 8=D Of course. We always strive to hone our craft, ever pounding at the iron to make the shoe a perfect shape. I know well how much work it takes.**

**RUFIOH: no, 1 d1dn't mean, l1ke... be MORE l1ke that... 1 mean... uh, sorry to 1nterrupt... go ahead?**

**HORUSS: 8=D My path was similarly governed by my aspect. For the longest time, I felt as if I was a blank sheet of paper. Like I had to make myself out of nothing.**

**HORUSS: 8=D And so I began to listen closely to the void within myself and corral the various personal attributes I herd calling to me.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Much like assembling a comple% machine, I began to piece together a STRONG identity, which of course included discovering a passion for mechani% itself.**

**HORUSS: 8=D And needless to say, what also galloped out of the void in my soul was the realization that I am obviously a noble hoofbeast, though my physical appearance cruelly betrays this fact.**

**RUFIOH: hey, uh... horuss... 1 th1nk...**

**RUFIOH: we need to talk.**

**RUFIOH: 1 mean, when you get a m1nute...**

**HORUSS: 8=D And in following sweeps I would keep turning my mechanically augmented, acute equine ear back to the abyss within, and continue to discover more about myself. I would learn that I was more complicated than I ever imagined. More complicated than any mortal mind could understand a person to be.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Knowing myself to be hoofbeastkin was only grazing the surface of the pasture. Merely skimming the cream from the top of the milk. I was so much more.**

**RUFIOH: 1 th1nk maybe we should l1ke...**

**RUFIOH: uh... see other...**

**HORUSS: 8=D It turns out my body was merely the host to a highly intricate system of entities of any sort you could name, biological or mechanical, sentient or nonsentient, physical or metaphysical. My inner field of e%perience is shared by the souls of ancient legendary musclebeasts, a range of devices such as hivehold appliances, a number of cosmological features such as planets, star systems, even several universes, and a variety of abstract concepts which sentient beings have not yet formed the language to e%press.**

**RUFIOH: l1ke... don't get me wrong... we had some good t1mes together... 1t's been great really...**

**RUFIOH: but maybe 1t's t1me to uh... 1 dunno.**

**HORUSS: 8=D But as much as I learned about myself, I could never find a way to become whole.**

**HORUSS: 8=D The void was never filled until you came along, Rufioh. **

**RUFIOH: wow man. that's...**

**RUFIOH: wow.**

**HORUSS: 8=D If there is any lesson I would like people to take from my story, it is a lesson that is a multiple system consisting of two distinct lessons.**

**HORUSS: 8=D The first is how love heals all wounds, even ones consisting of the infinite essence of void permeating your entire e%istence and role as a legendary hero.**

**HORUSS: 8=D The second is how if you are faced with any crisis of identity whatsoever, it's really important to do your best to manufacture esoteric features of your personality and believe in them very STRONGLY and tell people about those things as frequently as possible.**

**HORUSS: 8=D I can assure you right now, the labor involved in smithing my personality into one that is interesting and complicated was rather intensive.**

**HORUSS: 8=D~~ I really worked up a good sweat in the process.**

**HORUSS: 8=D~~~~ (That is the sweat dripping from my face.)**

**RUFIOH: hey... yo... that...**

**RUFIOH: that's some freaky sh*t dog!**

**HORUSS: 8=D Anyway, I apologize for talking so much. You know how you have a way of drawing the breath out of people.**

**HORUSS: 8=D What were you trying to tell me?**

**RUFIOH: oh... yeah.**

**RUFIOH: uh...**

**RUFIOH: never m1nd.**

Horuss continued and discovered Damara and the other chest. Perfect. Two birds with one stone.

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh, hello Damara. I heard you were having a mechanical issue with your chest over here. Mind if I take a 100k?**

**DAMARA: ****あなたは私の胸をいつでも表示することができます。**

**HORUSS: 8=D I... think you said yes? Sorry, I really struggle with your coarse lowb100d accent.**

**DAMARA: ****私のおっぱいの上にミルクを注いでください。**

**HORUSS: 8=D I didn't quite understand that either. Something about milk? Served to you in a particular way?**

**HORUSS: 8=D Yes, if you would like some milk, I can bring you some later. I'll just need to equip my steam powered deSTRENGTHening gloves so that I may hand you the glass without shattering it.**

**DAMARA: ****ない。手袋を着用しないでください。私はそれがラフ好きです。私の体を押しつぶす。馬男。**

**HORUSS: 8=D I really need to finish my universal translation device so we can have a more coherent conversation. It's just so difficult to get the circuitry to function correctly when one insists on relying on steam power.**

**DAMARA: ****あなたは、幽霊のような私の性器が性的クライマックスを持っていることを確認してください。あなたの幻の馬のペニスでそれを行う必要があります。**

**HORUSS: 8=D You want me to bring your what to what e%actly with my what?**

**DAMARA: ****私の裸の底にあなたの汗まみれの顔をこする。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Hmm. I...**

**HORUSS: 8=D Sure?**

**DAMARA: ****私はあなたのアジアの女子高生です。ズタズタに私の服を減らすことができます。あなたは私を喜ばせる必要があります。あなたのホーンを使用してください。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Do what with your schoolgirl uniform?**

**HORUSS: 8=D I wouldn't want to do anything to ruin it. It's quite nice.**

**HORUSS: 8=D But perhaps I could craft a robotic avatar for you, emulating your fashion choices. Actually, if I did that, I could install more sensible speech algorithms, so that I could understand you for a change.**

**DAMARA: ****静かにしています。黙って私をファック。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Um. *Cough.***

**DAMARA: ****私の体内に入る。または。私はあなたを破壊するだろう。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Damara, forgive me if I'm leaping to conclusions, but has the nature of your cryptic remarks been leaning... well...**

**HORUSS: 8=D A little b100?**

**DAMARA: **

Horuss opened the chest to find… Rufioh's lusus? He scratched his head. How had this little guy gotten in here? The lusus was gasping for breath. Who could have been so cruel as to lock him in there anyway? He glanced at Damara suspiciously. She didn't bother to look at him, merely taking another drag.

He took the lusus carefully in his hand and returned to Rufioh.

**RUFIOH: oh SH*T! you found h1m... thank you so much!**

**RUFIOH: 1 was so worr1ed... but now he's back, and so are my happy thoughts.**

**RUFIOH: 1 can actually go places! and do th1ngs!**

**RUFIOH: thanks horuss…**

Rufioh rushed off and bumped into Meenah.

**RUFIOH: d*mn... thank god 1 got my lusus back... dunno what 1'd do w1thout the l1ttle guy!**

**MEENAH: is he even uh**

**MEENAH: "reel"**

**MEENAH: ya know**

**MEENAH: like the ghost of your actual lusus or**

**RUFIOH: er... know what? not sure, doll!**

**RUFIOH: he could just be a memory f1gment or someth1ng l1ke that. or maybe he's really h1s ghost...**

**RUFIOH: when damara acc1dentally dropped a hunger trunk on h1m way back... crushed h1s l1ttle body... 1 always dreamed 1 m1ght meet up w1th h1m aga1n 1n the afterl1fe.**

**RUFIOH: so when 1 found h1m here... guess 1 d1dn't th1nk about 1t much? 1 was just happy to see h1m.**

**RUFIOH: he 1s my happy thought after all. 1 can't really br1ng myself to do much w1thout h1m... l1ke fly... f1ght... crow… ****#you know… the bas1cs**

**MEENAH: truth**

**RUFIOH: 1 remember when 1 was young... just a l1ttle runt out there try1ng to make 1t 1n the world... people would look at me funny cause my w1ngs were grow1ng 1n, and that really freaked people out yo!**

**RUFIOH: so 1 got way self consc1ous and d1dn't feel at home out there... w1th everybody eye1ng me up l1ke that...**

**RUFIOH: so one n1ght my lusus led me 1nto the woods...**

**RUFIOH: and 1 found th1s whole baller v1llage of f***ck1n tree houses and rope ladders and 1 was l1ke D*MN! ****#shouted bangarang SO LOUD you don't even KNOW!**

**RUFIOH: that's when 1 became an off1c1al member of the lost weeaboos.**

**MEENAH: hey okay so…**

**MEENAH: can we not actually talk about the lost weaboos**

**MEENAH: can that just be not a conversation we have**

**RUFIOH: uh...**

**MEENAH: ruf listen your storys cool but theres some junk thats just so silly i cant even try to abide**

**RUFIOH: yeah 1 guess... heh.**

**RUFIOH: but anyway, they were my boys... a better posse you couldn't hope to ch1ll w1th, k1ck the sh*t on troll an1me... all that.**

**MEENAH: aw fer glub sake ****#no**

**RUFIOH: f1rst bumped 1nto damara out there... crazy t1mes!**

**RUFIOH: 1 th1nk those were format1ve sweeps for me... learned to love a lotta th1ngs 1 st1ll do to th1s day.**

**RUFIOH: between you and me... 1 m1ss the days 1 could just jam w1th her about troll an1me... but now... you know how 1t 1s...**

**MEENAH: ok why do you stinkin nerds insist on calling it troll anime**

**MEENAH: i gotta ask**

**MEENAH: dont you realize prefacing anything with 'troll' inside the context a troll culture is redundant as fuck**

**MEENAH: why dont you just call them cartoons**

**RUFIOH: yeah... 1 d1g that. never thought about that... huh. ****#deep...**

**RUFIOH: 1t's ok, 1 get that the stuff 1 l1ke 1sn't for everyone.**

**RUFIOH: people say 1t's just for w1gglers... and 1 k1nd of assumed one day 1'd grow out of 1t, but guess 1 never d1d?**

**RUFIOH: then aga1n... we all d1ed... and now we really are all young forever...**

**RUFIOH: just l1ke the prophecy of the lost weeaboos sa1d...**

**RUFIOH: whoa spooky... 1 always thought that was a load of bs!**

**MEENAH: whoops you just said lost weeaboos again thus failing the conversation**

**MEENAH: in the immortal hand gestured words of the late great meulin leijon:**

**MEENAH: IM SO DON-E**


	222. Book 13 Chapter 9: Kanaya's Guest

Chapter 9: Kanaya's Guest

Rufioh walked back to where Horuss was and steeled himself for the coming conversation. He would do it this time. He would finally break up with the guy. He put on a smile and started off the conversation lightly.

**RUFIOH: yo yo, horuss my gangsta, how you feel?**

**RUFIOH: can 1 get a way gentle f1st bump from my boy? heh, yeah... just l1ke that... f*ck yes.** **#actually that st1ll k1nda hurt...**

**RUFIOH: anyway 1've been mean1ng to talk to you about someth1ng... someth1ng uh... pretty 1mportant.**

**RUFIOH: about us and the future and all that... you got a m1nute?**

**RUFIOH: ok, cool. so... d*mn... where do 1 even start...**

**RUFIOH: you know we've had noth1ng but good t1mes together... 1t's been the bomb.**

**RUFIOH: well, maybe not everyth1ng... sh*t got d1cey at the start... w1th my crazy ex and... yeah. that's not the po1nt.**

**RUFIOH: remember the way you used to be... before you all started be1ng 1nterested 1n me... man you thought 1 sucked! haha, just another lowblood not worth your t1me.**

**RUFIOH: you were so p1ssed at people l1ke me and damara... so angry, damn. sh*t was scary... and damara... she used to be n1ce as can be... dunno what happened there. talk about a personal1ty sw1tch... for both of ya...**

**RUFIOH: but then for whatever reason... 1 guess you wanted to reach out to me? 1 mean... 1n secret, 1 know. you d1dn't want to be all shamed out of your h1ghbrow CIP club, 1 could always d1g that. 1 understood, you know?**

**RUFIOH: so you came to my woods... never told anybody... we hung out. that meant a lot to me. 1 want you to know that.**

**RUFIOH: people always had crazy 1deas about me. l1ke 1 was th1s brave adventure guy all up 1n th1s forest be1ng a bad*ss and sh*t. people l1ke... they always wanted to be w1th me, or... maybe even wanted to BE me? 1t was all k1nd of whack... even damara when we were go1ng out d1dn't really get me, 1 th1nk... she put me on th1s pedestal, 1 mean, back before she snapped.**

**RUFIOH: but you saw me for who 1 was. wh1ch was... not a perfect guy.**

**RUFIOH: l1ke, 1 wasn't really sure about myself, and you saw that... so you actually helped me.**

**RUFIOH: when we were 1n the woods together, you taught me to f1ght... taught me to fly... taught me to crow!**

**RUFIOH: well, not l1terally. 1 mean... 1 knew how to do those th1ngs. 1 knew techn1cally how to flap my w1ngs and fly through the a1r. 1 knew how to say "bangarang" all loud 1f 1 really wanted to... but that was the th1ng. 1 was scared! 1 was scared of fly1ng and fall1ng... 1 was scared of f1ght1ng and fa1l1ng... and 1 was scared of crow1ng and... sound1ng l1ke a f***1ng 1d1ot 1 guess! lol...**

**RUFIOH: but you helped me not be so scared, or self consc1ous maybe... you just helped me be myself. l1ke... to just be ok w1th not be1ng perfect, or l1v1ng up to whatever people th1nk 1 should be.**

**RUFIOH: maybe 1t's just nostalg1a... there was someth1ng better about those t1mes... just you and me ch1ll1ng 1n the woods. but then we entered the game.**

**RUFIOH: and for some reason... st1ll don't know why... damara just started go1ng a l1ttle more nuts every day... gett1ng more and more jealous when she knew we were hang1ng out...**

**RUFIOH: then she found out 1t was more than just hang1ng out... and 1 guess the rest was h1story.**

**RUFIOH: and yada yada... then we all d1ed... and we been together ever s1nce. all th1s t1me as ghosts...**

**RUFIOH: wh1ch 1s... a long t1me, you know?**

**RUFIOH: and 1'll always be grateful for what we had together... but... 1 guess people change.**

**RUFIOH: even as ghosts, they change, 1f you g1ve em long enough... they start want1ng d1fferent th1ngs...**

**RUFIOH: aw man! 1'm go1ng about th1s all wrong... say1ng way too much, but not what 1 want to say... sh*t, haha.**

**RUFIOH: 1 should just use the bravery you helped me understand 1 always had, and just say 1t...**

**RUFIOH: 1 th1nk we should break up.**

**RUFIOH: … ****#...**

**RUFIOH: uh...**

**RUFIOH: you ok, bro?**

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh! I'm sorry, what did you say?**

**HORUSS: 8=D My ear valves filled up with sweat, and I didn't catch most of that.**

**RUFIOH: ...**

**HORUSS: 8=D Hey, why don't we participate in an enjoyable activity together later, as romantic afterlife partners? We could play one of those foreign card games you seem to like. What's that one called again? Fiddlespoon?**

**RUFIOH: um. yeah... we can do that... 1 guess. that sounds... uh... dope.**

**HORUSS: 8=D I know I'm not the best partner to share your e%otic and somewhat childish interests with, but I do my best to try to understand them and enjoy them with you. The most important thing is that we spend time together, and maintain a STRONG relationship.**

**RUFIOH: ...**

**RUFIOH: bangarang.**

Rufioh hung his head and walked down a flight of steps. He walked forward and bumped into… shit. It was Damara. Rufioh crossed his arms.

**RUFIOH: hey doll... don't suppose you had anyth1ng to do w1th the recent d1sappearance of my lusus, d1d you?**

**DAMARA: ****もちろんそんなことはない。あなたの告発は言語道断。**

**RUFIOH: yeah... sure... l1ke 1 bel1eve that!**

**RUFIOH: l1ke 1'm not so on to your tr1cks by now...**

**DAMARA: ****黙れ。そう。あなたはまだ彼と別れたのですか？**

**RUFIOH: no... not yet...**

**RUFIOH: 1 tr1ed... but 1 just couldn't do 1t... 1t's hard, you know?**

**DAMARA: ****あなたは、どういう意味ですか。それは恋人があなたを裏切ったときに感じる？はい、私は知っている。**

**RUFIOH: d*mn... so cold, g1rl. why can't you let the past go?**

**RUFIOH: anyway... once 1 actually do get up the nerve to break 1t to h1m... don't be th1nk1ng th1s 1s your b1g chance w1th me!**

**RUFIOH: 1t's over between us for good... k1nda for obv1ous reasons... so just fr1ends, you d1g?**

**DAMARA: ****右。我々が表示されます。**

**RUFIOH: haha... yeah, 1 f1gured you'd be l1ke that.**

**RUFIOH: anyway, meenah k1nd of needs to keep go1ng through th1s bubble... 1 know you l1ke to make sh*t d1ff1cult for everyone all the t1me, but...**

**RUFIOH: you th1nk you could get r1d of that b1g *ss 1ceberg th1ng you dropped there?**

**DAMARA: ****いいえクソ方法。**

**RUFIOH: aw, come on... do 1t for me, damara?**

**DAMARA: ****罰金。しかし、あなたは私に借りがある。性的な接待。**

**RUFIOH: hahahaha... wow... alr1ght uh... maybe? just go...**

Damara walked over to Horuss before she got rid of the quartz iceberg first though.

**DAMARA: ****これ以上のゲームはありません。馬男。今私をファック。**

**HORUSS: 8=D E%cuse me?**

**DAMARA: HORSEAPONI****またがっ私を曲げる。あなたは私がハードファック。****HORSEY****スタイル。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Oh! I see you've taken an interest in this fine, albeit diminutive steed given to me as a gift earlier.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Isn't it wonderful? I shall feed it many an apple and it will grow to be STRONG.**

**DAMARA: ****私にリンゴを養う。その後、私の髪をつかむ。あなたはチャンピオンのように私に乗るだろう。**

**HORUSS: 8=D I don't... do what with your horns? Ride what, now?**

**DAMARA: ****のバケツを埋めることができます。その後、内容がスプラッシュ。私の体の上にすべての。次に干し草の山に私を投げる。**

**HORUSS: 8=D You want me to... something about... hay? Hm.**

**DAMARA: ****私はあなたのホーンを吸うことができます。同時に、あなたは私のお尻を平手打ち。リズミカルにそれを行う。また。いななく。**

**HORUSS: 8=D You would like me to perform... what rhythmic behavior, e%actly? While making which animal noise?**

**DAMARA: ****私のすべての反復をファック。性的エクスタシーを体験する私たちのすべてを引き起こす。私たちは一斉にオーガズムましょう。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Do what with... wait... all of you? Wouldn't that be quite a lot of Damaras, regardless of the activity you are trying to describe?**

**DAMARA: ****清潔なタオルで私を包んでください。私は農場の動物のようにうめき声をしなければならない。**

**DAMARA: ****私の足の間に腹立たしそうに鼻を鳴らす。私は殺された子羊のように悲鳴を上げるでしょう。**

**DAMARA: ****私たちは一緒に私たちのお尻を持ってみましょう。共通のオーガズムに参加。すべての終わりでは、私たちを取り囲んでいる。**

**HORUSS: 8=D Trying to decode your speech is quite agitating, you know.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Whenever I talk to you, my system gets a little switchy.**

**HORUSS: 8=D I begin to faintly channel an ancient soul from Alterniasia, and I come very close to understanding you. But then it vanishes just as quickly, and my host vessel is left with nothing but an overwhelming e%perience of perspiration.**

**HORUSS: 8=D Not that I would e%pect a lowly rust b100ded singleton like you to understand.**

**DAMARA: ****もっと私を低下させる。私はほとんどそこにいる。**

**DAMARA: ****フリーク。**

She left and walked over to the quartz glacier, removing it with a dismissive motion of her hand. She then proceeded to the next area of the dream bubble, which was a part of some sort of lab. She saw Porrim and Kanaya conversing in hushed tones and decided to eavesdrop. They noticed her immediately, however.

**PORRIM: Damara, do+ yo+u mind? We're having a private co+nversatio+n here.**

**DAMARA: **

**PORRIM: Please. Leave us alo+ne. We'll talk later, o+k?**

**KANAYA: …**

**KANAYA: (shes making me slightly uncomfortable)**

**PORRIM: (that's her specialty. just igno+re her until she go+es away.)**

Damara left and bumped into Meenah as she did, flipping her off.

**MEENAH: what the fuck megido**

Damara ignored her and walked off.

Meenah walked up to Porrim and Kanaya.

**MEENAH: aw snapperfish its popo merrygams and maryam lookalike kid**

**PORRIM: Ah, seems we have co+mpany o+nce mo+re. Guess we sho+uld wrap this up!**

**PORRIM: I'm very happy yo+u came to+ see me. I ho+pe yo+u'll bear in mind what I said.**

**KANAYA: Yes I Surely Will**

**KANAYA: And Im Happy Too**

**KANAYA: About**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**PORRIM: Yo+u have impo+rtant wo+rk ahead o+f yo+u. The legacy o+f o+ur race is in yo+ur hands.**

**PORRIM: I kno+w yo+u will make me pro+ud.**

**KANAYA: Okay Thank You**

**MEENAH: water you ladies glubbin about over here**

**KANAYA: Nothing I Was Just Leaving**

**MEENAH: oh yeah where to**

**MEENAH: back into your meteor right cause thats where im headed**

**MEENAH: cant get through the door tho**

**MEENAH: can i get your password**

**KANAYA: Pardon Me**

**KANAYA: No**

**MEENAH: come on**

**PORRIM: Meenah, what are yo+u do+ing? Do+n't hassle her fo+r private info+rmatio+n. It's rude.**

**MEENAH: COM-E OOOOON**

**MEENAH: im being nice about it**

**KANAYA: Are You Actually**

**MEENAH: im fuckin smiling aint i?**

**KANAYA: Well I Was Going In There Anyway**

**KANAYA: I Wont Give You My Password But You Can Follow Me I Guess**

**KANAYA: But You Can Only Remain As Long As Im Escorting You**

**MEENAH: da fuck**

**MEENAH: why**

**KANAYA: Because I Dont Trust You**

**MEENAH: aw man**

**MEENAH: but im cool**

**MEENAH: you should wise the fuck up and start thinking im cool**

**KANAYA: Youre Right With A Sales Pitch Like That I Would Have To Be An Imbecile Not To Crave Your Company ****#Human Sarcasm**

**MEENAH: what you got against me maryam clone**

**KANAYA: I Think Youre Probably A Sociopath**

**KANAYA: Ive Given Enough Of My Time To Such Characters In The Past**

**MEENAH: you got me all wrong girl**

**MEENAH: what i gotta do to make you my frond maryam the sequel**

**KANAYA: My Name Is Kanaya**

**MEENAH: aight aight kanaya it is**

**MEENAH: some day ill come up with a good fish pun way of saying that**

**MEENAH: thats how you know our shit will be TIG) (T**

**KANAYA:**

**MEENAH: just lead the way ill be well behaved and win you over**

**MEENAH: YOULL S-EA**

Kanaya put her password into the door and she entered with Meenah in tow. They walked up a flight of steps and passed through a doorway to a small room with a snoozing Karkat lying on a pile of horns.

**MEENAH: !**

It was her newly recruited Grand Threshecutioner! Looked like he hadn't woken up from the same nap he'd been having last time she'd talked to him. The guy must have been really tired. And why was he sleeping in this massive pile of horns? Maybe she should wake him up. Then as long as he was awake, might as well see if he was ready to pack up his bags and head off to war.

Hold on. Maryam was eying her suspiciously. She wasn't on to Meenah's plan, was she? How could she know? This girl was really cramping her style. She'd try to shake her loose, but as a rainbow drinker she seemed to have an absolutely insane fastness attribute.

**KANAYA: Whatever Youre Thinking Dont Even Try It**

**MEENAH: what!**

**MEENAH: wasnt thinkin nofin**

**KANAYA: Lets Keep Moving**

They continued through the lab, bumping into Dave.

**DAVE: sup**

**DAVE: wait whats going on**

**DAVE: is the meteor passing through another dream bubble**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**KANAYA: Hence The Ghost Who Is Following Me**

**DAVE: oh**

**DAVE: hey**

Meenah waggled her eyebrows at him but said nothing.

**DAVE: what you dont talk now?**

**DAVE: you were pretty spunky before what happened**

**KANAYA: She Is Exhibiting Her Best Behavior While On This Tour**

**KANAYA: Shes Actually Doing Very Well So Far**

**DAVE: ok whatever**

**DAVE: so what are we just not even bothering to care anymore when we pass through dream bubbles now**

**DAVE: like no warning or alert or getting into our facetious battle stations or anything**

**DAVE: eh who cares actually**

**DAVE: i probably wont even leave the room this time**

**DAVE: getting a little bored of ghosts actually**

**DAVE: no offense sea troll**

**MEENAH: (hornless dirtscraper)**

**KANAYA: Shh!**

**MEENAH: 38(**

**KANAYA: So What Were You Just Mumbling About Over Here Before I Interrupted You**

**DAVE: oh just some raps**

**DAVE: been working on my raps**

**DAVE: youve heard my raps right**

**DAVE: want to hear some raps**

**KANAYA: …**

**DAVE: wait do you know what rap is**

**DAVE: its this fly human tradition where you drop a beat and talk hard**

**DAVE: if the flow checks out and your rhymes are dope enough then the police start unholstering their guns**

**DAVE: they cant help it its like reflexive**

**DAVE: thats how you know youre doing it right**

**KANAYA: I Know What Your Raps Are Theyre Basically The Same As The Ancient Artform Of Alternian Slam Poetry**

**KANAYA: But More Primitive And Generally Involving Less Lyrics About Towering Muscular Livestock**

**DAVE: slam poetry**

**DAVE: why didnt you tell me about this**

**KANAYA: I Dont Know I Dont Really Have Much Interest In The Subject**

**DAVE: yeah but**

**DAVE: it should have come up**

**DAVE: wait now that i think about it**

**DAVE: i remember some weird troll was rapping at me once**

**KANAYA: Well There You Go**

**DAVE: but i mean we could have been talking about rap all this time**

**DAVE: you and me i mean**

**DAVE: it would have come up i think if we talked more**

**DAVE: kanaya we should talk more we dont really talk enough**

**DAVE: like really just**

**DAVE: get down to fucking business**

**DAVE: just the two of us**

**DAVE: all conversationally and such**

**KANAYA: Um**

**DAVE: really like**

**DAVE: flesh out this dynamic**

**DAVE: see whats THERE**

**DAVE: we goddamn WILL squeeze blood from this stone**

**DAVE: this awkwardly quiet ghost troll as my witness**

**KANAYA: If You Are Successful In Extracting Blood From The Geological Material In Question Can I Have It**

**DAVE: aw man**

**DAVE: kinda semi self deprecating vampire jokes this is a good start i like it**

**KANAYA: I Dont Know How Sincere Youre Being Dave**

**KANAYA: Probably Only Somewhat Since The Rule Is That Everything Has To Be At Least Partially A Joke Right**

**DAVE: yes exactly**

**KANAYA: But If You Actually Want To Converse And Exchange Views On Our Respective Cultures Then Okay I Guess Thats Fine**

**KANAYA: I Might Be Able To Dig Up Some Classic Texts By Some Famous Slam Poets**

**DAVE: oh man yes**

**KANAYA: Ok I Will See What I Can Do**

**DAVE: that would be so fucking perfect**

**DAVE: youll have to read the troll gibberish to me**

**DAVE: itll be just like storytime with karkat**

**DAVE: kanaya edition**

**KANAYA: Heh Sure**

**DAVE: but youll have to rap the words**

**KANAYA: Oh**

**DAVE: pump up the bass and slaughter the mic**

**DAVE: i want to goddamn FEEL that slam poetry**

**KANAYA: Is It Too Late To Back Out Of This**

**MEENAH: yes**

Kanaya and Meenah walked up to Rose next.

**ROSE: What happened!**

**KANAYA: What**

**ROSE: You're not glowing anymore!**

**KANAYA: Oh Right**

**KANAYA: I Became So Absorbed In A Conversation With My Ancestor I Already Forgot She Taught Me How To**

**KANAYA: Switch Off**

**ROSE: Oh, so you did go talk to her?**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**ROSE: That's great! How did it go?**

**KANAYA: Very Well**

**KANAYA: She Is Very Nice And As A Person Is As Impressive As I Was Imagining Her To Be**

**KANAYA: But Not Nearly As Intimidating Really**

**ROSE: I knew you wouldn't regret it if you got up the nerve to talk to her.**

**ROSE: What did she say, besides a few vampire-to-vampire skin-dimming pointers?**

**KANAYA: Many Things**

**KANAYA: Primarily Encouraging Me To Pursue My Prior Obligation To My People**

**ROSE: Oh?**

**KANAYA: She Said She Used To Eschew Her Role Rather Vehemently**

**KANAYA: The Duties Of Our Caste Were Quite Limiting In Both Worlds It Seems**

**KANAYA: So She Renounced Them Completely And Wanted A Different Life**

**KANAYA: But She Also Said Something To The Effect That**

**KANAYA: She Found That It Wasnt Really Necessary To Reject That Role Completely**

**KANAYA: And The Same Is True For Me**

**KANAYA: As Long As I Know Within That I Am Free**

**KANAYA: And If My Decision Is To Embrace My Path Then It Can Be A Source Of Strength**

**ROSE: Then you want to try to restore your race again?**

**ROSE: I had begun to think you'd lost hope in that possibility.**

**KANAYA: Its True Theres No Orb Anymore**

**KANAYA: She Said It May Be Very Difficult**

**KANAYA: But Theres No Hope If I Dont Try**

**ROSE: That's true.**

**KANAYA: I Dont Know How Im Going To Do It Yet**

**KANAYA: But Such Is The Nature Of Adventures**

**KANAYA: You Cant Be Scared Of Adventures**

**KANAYA: I Think Im Excited About It Now**

**ROSE: I can tell.**

**ROSE: We can work on it together when we arrive. Maybe the session we're about to explore will offer some answers.**

**KANAYA: I Hope So**

**ROSE: Hey,**

**ROSE: You aren't permanently de-glowed now, are you?**

**KANAYA: Oh No I Can Flip It Back On**

**KANAYA: See**

She began to glow again.

**KANAYA: Turns Out Its Just**

**KANAYA: A Silly Biological Parlor Trick**

**ROSE: Oh, good. You had me worried there for a moment.**

**KANAYA: Sorry**

**KANAYA: I Know How You Enjoy A Good Source Of Light**

**ROSE: Light is one of my favorite things.**

**ROSE: Please don't take these as fighting words, but my aspect is simply the best there is.**


	223. Book 13 Chapter 10: DREAM PHANTOM

Chapter 10: "DREAM PHANTOM"

**DAVE: whats up with the fish punk troll following kanaya around**

**ROSE: Seems she's passing through. Kanaya doesn't want her to cause trouble.**

**DAVE: cause trouble**

**DAVE: what the fuck could she even do here**

**like kick over an old pile of garbage and cause the property value to fall even lower than jack shit**

**i say let her go nuts**

**ROSE: Feel free to take it up with Kanaya.**

**ROSE: But if you authorize her to flip a bitch, just make sure she's nowhere near my chemistry table.**

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: cant be droppin your vials and shit all over the floor**

**DAVE: the only one whos got clearance to drop science is me**

**ROSE: Dork.**

**DAVE: dont even hate**

**DAVE: been shoring up my muthafuckin CRAFT over here**

**ROSE: I know. I've been in the same room, right over there, listening to you mumble lyrics to yourself for the last couple hours.**

**DAVE: rose you know what sucks**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**ROSE: To which sucky thing are you referring?**

**DAVE: it kinda just occurred to me**

**DAVE: while i was spitting ill verse to no end**

**DAVE: i got this weird feeling that i might be getting like**

**DAVE: a little dated?**

**ROSE: Is this about Terezi?**

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: no no**

**DAVE: dont be disingenuous word girl you know what im saying**

**DAVE: i mean sorta passe**

**DAVE: like a lumbering pop reference dinosaur**

**DAVE: remember we are both kind of stuck in 2009**

**DAVE: so im like popculturally frozen in that period**

**DAVE: all my references feel like they might be getting a little stale**

**DAVE: even though the earth ended and all and there was no culture after that point anyway**

**DAVE: but still**

**DAVE: i can feel it**

**DAVE: like in my bones**

**DAVE: i just know on some hypothetical earth that kept going my shit is starting to get so lame**

**DAVE: and i know it doesnt matter because its just us here so who cares**

**DAVE: but i care**

**DAVE: its a matter of integrity i am a fucking artist**

**DAVE: like i think if i make one more rap about like some fucking dane cook movie from 2008 to piss karkat off or some tired bullshit like that im going to**

**DAVE: i dont know**

**DAVE: ill just start feeling like a fraud**

**DAVE: my game might be drying up rose**

**DAVE: but its not my fault like im totally hostage to this freezedried backlog of cultural garbage that can never move forward again**

**DAVE: so i have to pick through it like im looting a fucking tomb while still all tryin to act RAP SASSY**

**DAVE: like YEAH take THAT motherfuckers**

**DAVE: OF THE PAST**

**DAVE: all in your mass graves somewhere in a dead frogiverse**

**DAVE: i be representing some god damn STANDARDS about your media do you feel me**

**DAVE: im depressing myself here**

**DAVE: all im saying is it would be cool to have some fresh shit to work with**

**DAVE: like just to know**

**DAVE: to know what the world would be like in the year it would be for us now**

**DAVE: which would be 2011 i guess**

**DAVE: wow 2011 really**

**DAVE: damn**

**DAVE: i just want to know what would have happened**

**DAVE: theres so much shit we were primed for**

**DAVE: it was gonna be exciting**

**DAVE: like barack obama just turned president remember that**

**DAVE: we never got to see if he fixed the economy**

**DAVE: remember how you were dying to see if he would fix the economy you were asking me about it every damn day**

**DAVE: just joking nobody gave a shit about that**

**DAVE: but like**

**DAVE: i never got to check out the next batch of stiller jams and see how bad i could mock them**

**DAVE: we never got to find out how the midnight crew adventure ended**

**DAVE: if ever**

**DAVE: rose**

**DAVE: ROSE?**

**DAVE: what the fuck man**

**DAVE: whyd you go back to your bottles and shit i was right in the thick of hella elocution**

**DAVE: dont give me that**

**DAVE: yes**

**DAVE: uh yeah**

**DAVE: yes i do ACTUALLY want you to come back over here**

**DAVE: im waiting**

**ROSE: Fine. Here I am.**

**DAVE: wow was that so hard**

**DAVE: this is what civilized people do rose they fucking talk to each other like actually in each others fucking vicinities**

**ROSE: You just have a tendency to go on for a while. I assumed we progressed to the traditional mumbling monologue stage of Striderian discourse.**

**DAVE: no thats not even a thing**

**DAVE: i was actually like**

**DAVE: trying to get your take**

**ROSE: Take on what.**

**DAVE: i dont even know**

**DAVE: i bet john would have stuff to say**

**DAVE: hes probably going through the same frozen fucking caveman from 2009 syndrome as me**

**DAVE: actually what am i saying the dude is a caveman from 1997**

**DAVE: hahaha like he could give a shit as long as hes got his cage dvds**

**ROSE: Oh! I saw him the other night.**

**DAVE: what**

**ROSE: In a dream. It was very brief, only a few minutes. I waved to him and then woke up.**

**DAVE: whoa what was he doing**

**ROSE: He was fighting Jack. Actually, he was doing quite well!**

**DAVE: oh man**

**DAVE: you have to tell me all about this**

**ROSE: I will. Later, though. I'd like to get back to work.**

**DAVE: ok when**

**DAVE: tonight?**

**ROSE: I have plans tonight. How about tomorrow.**

**DAVE: plans**

**DAVE: what plans**

**ROSE: Just some plans.**

**DAVE: can i come**

**ROSE: No!**

**DAVE: fuck fine**

**DAVE: tomorrow then**

**DAVE: maybe ill just dream up my own john tonight and well have an awesome time without you what do you think about that**

Rose giggled.

**DAVE: fu**

Rose walked into the room where Karkat was sleeping, only to find Gamzee seated on the floor nearby.

**ROSE: You better not let Kanaya find you in here.**

**ROSE: She still hates you, you know.**

**ROSE: And not in "that way." I think she still truly would like to kill you.**

**GAMZEE: yeah, i all up and motherfuckin know that already.**

**ROSE: I've wondered, doesn't it ever get confusing? Trying to differentiate between platonic, malicious intent, and gestures of black romance?**

**GAMZEE: NO.**

**GAMZEE: like i'd even give a dayglow chainsaw bitch like that on my time of day up in any quadrant.**

**GAMZEE: BESIDES, ALREADY GOT MY BLACK ROM ON WITH ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER.**

**GAMZEE: been dating somebody in the motherfuckin shadows. getting pretty nasty between us. all experiencing the shit out of the dark miracle called hatebliss.**

**ROSE: Wait, really?**

**ROSE: Who?**

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**ROSE: Karkat?**

**GAMZEE: no.**

**ROSE: Dave?**

**GAMZEE: NO.**

**ROSE: Not... the Mayor?**

**GAMZEE: no.**

**ROSE: Wait...**

**ROSE: Terezi?**

**GAMZEE: HONK.**

**ROSE: Are you serious?**

**GAMZEE: do i mother fucking look like i'd joke around with a mother fucker?**

**ROSE: I...**

**ROSE: I can't even parse that relationship as something meaningful.**

**ROSE: What...**

**GAMZEE: IT'S SIMPLE.**

**GAMZEE: mother fucker.**

**GAMZEE: SHE ALL GETS ON HER HATE OF ME QUITE UNDERSTANDABLY, SEEING AS TO WHAT A VILE PIECE OF CLOWN ASS TRASH I'M ALL IS.**

**GAMZEE: but doesn't quite hate me enough to want to kill me. :o)**

**ROSE: This is a really startling revelation, I must say.**

**ROSE: It's a game changer.**

**GAMZEE: HEY.**

**GAMZEE: please don't all tell at this noise to anyone.**

**GAMZEE: IF KARKAT MOTHER FUCKIN KNEW ON THIS…**

**GAMZEE: he actually would want to kill me. :o(**

**ROSE: Yes, I can see the dilemma you're in.**

**ROSE: Your social dynamics really begin to get complicated once your quadrants start to fill up, don't they?**

**GAMZEE: MOTHER FUCK YEAH THEY MOTHER FUCKING DO.**

**ROSE: Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.**

**ROSE: Now shoo. Back into the ventilation system with you, before you're spotted.**

Gamzee went into the ventilation system and Rose left the room. A couple of minutes later, Dave entered to find not only the sleeping Karkat on the horn pile, but also another Karkat standing next to the pile.

**KARKAT: OK, THIS IS JUST FUCKING STUPID NOW.**

**DAVE: what**

**KARKAT: I'M ASLEEP, BUT I GUESS THE METEOR IS PHYSICALLY PASSING THROUGH THE BUBBLE I'M DREAMING IN?**

**KARKAT: AND NOW MY "DREAM PHANTOM", OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS VERSION OF YOURSELF, IS ACTUALLY IN THE SAME PHYSICAL LOCATION AS MY SLEEPING BODY.**

**KARKAT: I'VE JUST BEEN STANDING HERE WATCHING MYSELF SLEEP ON THE HORN PILE. IT'S OFFICIAL. WE'VE BREACHED A CRITICAL THRESHOLD OF BULGE NUMBING IDIOCY.**

**DAVE: huh**

**KARKAT: WHAT DO WE EVEN CALL THIS DREAMING INSTANCE OF OURSELVES? IT CAN'T BE "DREAM SELF" BECAUSE THAT'S ALREADY A THING. AS IN THE VERSION OF YOURSELF ON DERSE OR PROSPIT.**

**KARKAT: BUT THAT WAS MORE LIKE A PHYSICAL, REAL SELF, THAT JUST HAPPENED TO SERVE AS A BACKUP LIFE. THIS IS SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT, LIKE A WEIRD HOLOGRAM.**

**KARKAT: HEY, AM I TANGIBLE TO YOU.**

**DAVE: uh**

**KARKAT: TOUCH ME.**

**DAVE: what**

**KARKAT: JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE POKE.**

**DAVE: no**

**KARKAT: DON'T BE LIKE THAT, JUST MAN UP AND TOUCH ME. MAYBE JUST BRUSH MY CHEEK GENTLY WITH THE BACK OF YOUR HAND. SOMETHING UNAMBIGUOUSLY PLATONIC LIKE THAT.**

**DAVE: no fuck you**

**DAVE: im not caressing your dream hologram**

**KARKAT: YOU HAVE A REALLY TRAGICALLY UNDER-INQUISITIVE MIND, DAVE. THIS IS FOR SCIENCE. IF SCIENCE WAS UP TO YOU, HUMANITY NEVER WOULD HAVE COME ANYWHERE CLOSE TO RISING TO THE LEVEL OF PATHETIC INFERIORITY IT WAS BARELY ABLE TO ACHIEVE AS IT WAS.**

**DAVE: you look really tired man**

**DAVE: your sleep phantom should curl up with your napping meat torso in the horn pile and try to score some shuteye**

**KARKAT: YEAH, WELL MAYBE I'LL DO JUST THAT, ASSHOLE!**

**DAVE: ok**

**DAVE: hop to it**

**KARKAT: NO. NOT WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING.**

**DAVE: man**

**DAVE: our conversations can be so embarrassing**

**DAVE: im so glad we manage to have most of them in private**

**KARKAT: YEAH**

**KARKAT: ME TOO**

Kanaya escorted Meenah to the other side of the lab and stayed inside while the fish troll proceeded to a projection of LOMAT. Aranea sat at her usual exposition booth.

**MEENAH: welp** **#kelp**

**MEENAH: im a total failure**

**MEENAH: didnt recruit a single ghost for my army**

**MEENAH: except for one guy but he was asleep**

**ARANEA: Don't lose hope! I know our group of friends is a 8it lackluster in the motivation department, 8ut there are plenty of other souls out there.**

**ARANEA: You just need to find someone with the right amount of moxy to get you started. Then I'm sure more will follow.**

**ARANEA: Who knows, if you keep exploring, may8e someone like that will 8e right around the corner!**

**MEENAH: you seem more psyched about my army plan than you did before**

**MEENAH: whats with the change of tuna**

**ARANEA: I've started to 8elieve that what you're doing may 8e important. Just a feeling.**

**ARANEA: It could 8e every 8it as critical as my quest to find the cheru8. I think it all could 8e related. Like legs of a stool that won't stand unless all are in place.** **#Or, prongs of a fork, if you will.**

**MEENAH: how is cherubquest goin btw**

**ARANEA: Uh… ok.**

**ARANEA: I've still 8een... a little preoccupied.**

**MEENAH: girl please**

**MEENAH: you been draggin your talking booth around to hassle people with facts aintcha**

**ARANEA: This is my last session, I swear!**

**ARANEA: After this, I promised myself I would retire the exposition stand for good. May8e I'll put it up for sale, and try to recoup some of the su8stantial losses required to operate it.**

**MEENAH: aranea we are such failures at stuff together**

**MEENAH: why are we such a couple of gorgeous and sexy failures at things**

**ARANEA: I don't know, 8ut we can't give up!**

**ARANEA: Once I close down shop here, I will redou8le my efforts to find that cheru8.**

**ARANEA: The first thing to do will 8e to figure out her name. It's 8een so maddeningly elusive, almost as if someone's taken care to scru8 any reference to it throughout paradox space, whether in memories or reality.**

**MEENAH: ok then how about this**

**MEENAH: while im out there fishin for recruits ill keep an ear out for clues about her**

**and while youre out there cherub hunting maybe you can see if anyone wants to serve the lil condesce in her slammin new imperial army**

**MEENAH: itll be**

**MEENAH: teamfork**

**ARANEA: That sounds like a great plan!**

**ARANEA: Now let's hurry this up so we can get started on that. What would you like me to tell you a8out in exchange for the precious few 8oon8ucks I have left?**


	224. Book 13 Chapter 11: Andrew's Insight

Chapter 11: Andrew's Insight

**ARANEA: The Rogue of 8reath was always a very popular mem8er of our group. Pro8a8ly the most popular, I'd say. Sort of the anti-me, in that respect. Ever the recipient of romantic solicitations whichever way he turned. Sort of the anti-Cronus, in that respect.**

**MEENAH: aw yeah sick ampora burn outta nowhere hi 5**

**ARANEA: Indeed. His mutation made him an outcast, though. To avoid the unwanted attention his wings would 8ring him, he took refuge in the forest among those who welcomed his differences, and learned their ways.**

**ARANEA: The Lost Weea8oos was a guild of youthful tree-dwelling troll otakus with a zeal for fisticuffs, flight, and various forms of exotic eastern theater. 8ane to the enemies of hijinks, scourge to the seafaring classes who...**

**MEENAH: NOP-E**

**MEENAH: NOT LISFININ TO T)(IS LA LA LA GLUB GLUB GLUB**

**ARANEA: ****(GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB) ****centuries of feuding with the Kemonomimi tri8es ****(GLUB GLUB GLUB LA LA LA LA GLUB GLUB GLUB) ****ceremonial torchlight yaoi festivals ****(LA LA LA LA GLUB GLUB LA LA LA) ****tsundere quadrant vacillation ****(GLUUUUUB GLUBGLUBGLUBGLUB GLUUUUUUUUUB) ****threw down a daggerlance to challenge the guild's high seme for dominance ****(NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO)**

**ultimately served like a shonen on Shitsuji Island.**

**MEENAH: hey serket**

**MEENAH: how much i gotta pay you to zip yer blowhole on this shit so tight you never bring it up again**

**ARANEA: For such a service, I will require nothing short of the large gold statue in your palace. I think you know which one I'm talking a8out.**

**MEENAH: you drive a hard bargain serks**

**MEENAH: but you got a deal**

**MEENAH: do ponyboy now**

**ARANEA: The Page of Void was a self taught master of mechanics, an avid patron of the fine arts, a passionate 8ody 8uilder, archer, am8rosia collector and steamwright. A poet, a scholar, a warrior, a lover, he was all that his caste demanded and more. A true troll Renaissance man. His name means "He Who Stalks With The Muscle8easts."**

**ARANEA: 8ut all of his proficiencies were hard won, 8uilt from the 8lank slate as his aspect would imply, advancing at the slow pace his class would as well. Yet in spite of all he worked to make something of himself, he amounted to very little. Responsi8le for neither great feats of heroism nor acts of villainy, he was just another game piece to 8e moved a8out the 8oard. The aspect ruling his life would always conspire to dampen his relevance.**

**ARANEA: Void is easily the most mysterious aspect, the one which inherently defies rational understanding. This makes it particularly fascinating, and just as frustrating, to light players such as myself. Casting illumination upon nothing itself is futile. For to truly know void is to paradoxically cause it not to 8e!**

**ARANEA: The role of the void player is to somehow em8race nothingness, to 8ecome one with it. And yet in total contradiction with this, to make use of the power it grants and serve a role of relevance, one must find a way to overcome it! To see the limitless potential in the void. To find everything within nothing, and 8ring it into 8eing.**

**MEENAH: zzzzzzzzzzz**

**ARANEA: Hey!**

**MEENAH: wuh**

**ARANEA: This is a perfect case in point, regarding the path of the void player. So resistant is his story to having a relevant 8earing on anything, you fell asleep and didnt hear a word.**

**MEENAH: yeah thats nice**

**MEENAH: WH-ER-E MA MON-EY**

**ARANEA: You don't get any. Your slum8er voided the transaction.**

**MEENAH: dag**

**MEENAH: k uh megido and then im done here**

**ARANEA: The Witch of Time was not always the party's 8iggest trou8lemaker. If you recall, you wore that tiara for a long time. ::::)**

**MEENAH: yeah yeah**

**ARANEA: Once she was as meek as can 8e. Hailing from the eastern provinces, she migrated across the seas and settled near the forest concealing Rufioh's guild. The two of them 8ecame quite fond of each other, and shared many interests!**

**ARANEA: He secretly 8egan seeing someone else, 8elieving she knew nothing. 8ut she always suspected his infidelity, and over time grew quite distraught. 8ut her sadness never quite turned to rage and malevolence. Not until you... involved yourself.**

**MEENAH: ugh do we really have to go through this**

**ARANEA: If you'd like to earn your money, then yes!**

**MEENAH: bleh fine**

**ARANEA: After we 8egan our game, you quickly determined that winning was going to 8e an uphill 8attle with our team. Everyone was so preoccupied with their interpersonal issues, and no one seemed in any shape to 8e fighting major 8attles. Sound familiar?**

**MEENAH: deja vus a bitch serk**

**ARANEA: So you did your 8est to rile up the crew any way you could. Appealing to peoples insecurities, 8uried hostilities, 8rewing rivalries... needling anyone you could into confrontation with others. Your theory was that increasing everyone's state of aggression would make them 8etter equipped to play the game. And you were sort of right a8out that! 8ut the Alternians would prove it. Not our group, sadly.**

**ARANEA: The poor girl who took the 8runt of your 8ullying tactics was Damara Megido. You talked up her matesprit's 8etrayal making her feel even more dreadful, while pushing him further into the arms of her rival, until she simply snapped. She attacked him, paralyzing him from the neck down. You finally got the aggressive confrontation you were looking for. Unfortunately, you unleashed something even you weren't prepared for, and you had to deal with her yourself. After a long 8loody duel, she killed you. And you would have stayed dead if not for me!**

**ARANEA: You never listened to me. You just kept needling and fussing and meddling until eventually you paid the price, and I had to 8ail you out.**

**MEENAH: (arg how bad do i even want this stupid money...)**

**ARANEA: Damara has 8een unhinged ever since. 8y increasing her violent tendencies, instead of 8eing an asset in the game, she 8ecame a loose canon, ar8itrarily showing up at key moments throughout the timeline to sa8otage us.**

**ARANEA: So radical was her shift in personality, I've had a hard time 8elieving your incitement was solely to 8lame. It always seemed like other forces were in play, as if her acts, though apparently haphazard, were in keeping with some inscruta8le agenda. Of course it doesn't help that it's so hard to understand her even on a good day.**

**ARANEA: Strangely, the only time she was eager to help us was when we were preparing to initiate the Scratch. And it's a good thing she was, since I'm not sure anyone else would have had the a8ility to do that kind of damage to the Cardinal Movement and release its energy.**

**ARANEA: It was almost a little eerie how happily she complied with our plan. What did Rufioh say she said? Something a8out how we would all finally get what we deserved...**

**ARANEA: Which at the time, I thought sounded chilling. 8ut there's really two ways of looking at it. One is how the Scratch re8ooted our world into a state of pure chaos, culminating in the annihilation of our universe. 8ut on the other hand, we all got the chance to live out our wildest fantasies as adults on Alternia!**

**ARANEA: At least you and I sure did. And I wouldn't dou8t she feels the same way.**

**MEENAH: so**

**MEENAH: we done?**

**ARANEA: That's it!**

**MEENAH: toughest 5 bucks i ever made**

Meenah walked off across LOMAT, opening a variety of treasure chests, climbing and descending staircases and rope bridges, until she arrived on a beach where Vriska, Tavros, and John were talking. The orange guy hid behind a nearby rock. She approached him cautiously and he turned around with a "wah…"

**Oh. It's you. Scram kid!**

**MEENAH: hey orange dude**

**MEENAH: tell me your deal already**

**I said get lost Feferi! #Do. Not. Fuck with me.**

**MEENAH: whoferi?**

**Alright. I see what's going on here. You clearly have developed feelings for me. I understand. I led you on.**

**Remember when I said bring me a horse and I am yours forever?**

**Total lie!**

**Sorry, but my heart is still set on Vriska. She will be my wife.**

**MEENAH: whos vriska**

**That girl over there. No, don't look! Shhhhhhhhhh. Let's try to keep it down, ok? You're going to ruin this for me.**

**MEENAH: her?**

**MEENAH: dog aint she a little young for you**

**No, but that's the thing! She's spent like however many years being a ghost, so she's older now! That means it's not creepy.**

**Who even knows how many years she spent here? Maybe 100? Hell, she might even be older than me now! See? Totally not creepy anymore. Case closed!**

**MEENAH: i dont know what yer talkin about but you sound like an asshole**

**Just need to find the right moment to make my move. Only problem is, I lost the ring.**

**John FUCKING Egbert has it. Doesn't look like he's gonna let it go either, the bastard.**

**Gotta make a plan. Think, imagination, think. Argh, the one time I really need you!**

**MEENAH: yo i got boatloads a bling**

**MEENAH: i could sell you a ring**

**You could? Oh man, perfect. How much?**

**MEENAH: $2,485,506 pledged of $700,000 goal**

**ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.**

**What makes you think I've got that kind of dough just lying around?!**

**MEENAH: thats my price pumpkin skin you want the ring or not**

**Alright. Fine. Guess I've got no choice but to pony up.**

**Just... don't tell anyone, ok? I kind of promised I would use this money for something else.**

**MEENAH: none ma biz homes deal or no deal**

**Yeah. Here.**

**MEENAH: awwwww yeah check them mad staxx**

**MEENAH: here you go loverboy**

**Thanks!**

**Wait...**

**Is this ring...**

**Did you steal this...**

**From Cronus?**

**MEENAH: fo sho**

**...**

**Ew.**

**MEENAH: NO R-EFUNDS!**

**:(**

Meenah chuckled to herself and walked over to Vriska, Tavros, and John.

Meanwhile, Damara walked up to the exposition stand. Only, Aranea wasn't there any more. The orange guy stood behind it instead.

**Damara! What the hell are you doing this deep into the game! Good grief, you are such a teen delinquent. I never should have let you out of Doc Scratch's pervert chamber in the alternate universe.**

**DAMAR** **WHOOPS, nooooooooo no no no.**

**I'm not gonna let you respond. You're just going say something totally filthy in Japanese again and make everyone uncomfortable.**

Damara made an obscene gesture with her fingers and her lips.

**WHOA CUT THAT OUT!**

**Sheesh. I guess this is what happens when you don't have a proper upbringing by a decent guardian. Or at least one who isn't a four foot tall asshole in suspenders, who's kind of like a creepy puppet uncle.**

**Look, let's all just chill out here. No more lewd Asian shenanigans, got it? You may notice I bought a new franchise recently.**

**Cost me a fortune! I had to pawn a ring that used to belong to some dirtbag just to make the down payment.**

**But I should be able to recoup the losses, if I just tweak the business model a little. Hear me out. Instead of giving people money to listen to my shit? I think I might actually start CHARGING people for the service. Crazy, I know, right?**

**I've been thinking of dividing up my offers into a series of handsomely priced explanation bundles called EXPOSITION PAKS where I would…**

Damara flipped him off.

**Oh kaaay, guess you're not down with that?**

**What would you pay for an explanation? Want to make an offer?**

**Yeah you're not gonna pay me a goddamn penny, are you.**

Damara took a drag on her joint.

**Ok fine. I'll give you these explanations for free. Let's call it a loss leader. You'll tell your friends, maybe they'll tell their friends, then the dead presidents start rolling in.**

**Yes? Yes?**

Damara tilted her head at him.

**Aw fuck it. Just tell me what you wanna know.**

**But just a heads up, these stories are gonna be pretty shitty! I ain't no light player.**

**Wait. You want me to tell you about YOU? Talk about self absorbed, but alright.**

**You say stuff in Japanese, and when people who actually speak Japanese read it they probably laugh because the Japanese is so shitty. Sorry to burst your bubble Damara but the things you say started out in English, went through the google translator, and then out again so that it vaguely makes sense when translated back to English. So you aren't really authentic troll Japanese, you're fake troll Japanese.**

She flipped him off again and snarled.

**Whoa don't kill the messenger! Relax. Everyone thinks you're great. In fact, there's probably someone out there RIGHT NOW drawing some weird porn of you.**

**DAMARA: ?**

**Moving on. Mega Man Sollux has some problems. He falls down and stuff a lot. But in spite of that, he's brave and does his best and everyone loves him. Also no one can read a damn thing he says. His quirk is the least legible of all quirks, with Damara's coming in at a close second.**

**With apologies to Dante Basco. Dante, I'm sorry about this. All of this. I am so, so sorry. You were leading the regular, modest life of a Hollywood superstar, then this shit happened. Everything is broken forever. I liked your work in The Last Airbender. You know what's funny is how there are probably some people who are reading this right now who have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. But you know what? What the FUCK else is even new.**

**Anyway. Bangarang, dude.**

**Bangarang.**

**Did you know: it is a Homestuck fact that 99 percent of all readers didn't read or care about anything Kankri said. So in other words, he is exactly like all terrible social justice bloggers. Some social justice bloggers get angry at the joke that he is, but those are the terrible ones, and being terrible is why they get angry. They want to be terrible in peace without being mocked. That is what it is like to be a justified target of ridicule. You feel sad and angry all the time and you don't know why.**

**Kankri wears a cute red sweater and is otherwise fairly adorable. Porrim acts like his mom which is also cute as hell.**

**Meulin is the deaf Nepeta in this kickass smorgasbord of disabled characters. She speaks in ASL to say memes which are called mimes because it's one letter away and therefore a play on words. But you can't actually use ASL to say animated tumblr gifs, you can only say words. She otherwise reads lips, which is funny because her bff sewed his damn mouth shut so they just sign memes to each other all day while stoned. It is implied that they smoke catnip together, as if it were marijuana, which is an especially amusing notion to people who like drugs. Moving on?**

**Latula is the gamegrl to Mituna's gamebro. Gamebros and gamegrls aren't really "types of people" so much as they are hollow cliches which are patronizing to multiple groups of people on multiple levels. So in other words, perfect attributes for some 1.5 dimensional NPC-caliber characters in a weird story. Wait what was I talking about? Oh yeah Latula.**

**Latula's so rad but she can't smell. I think I agree with Karkat, that's not a disability. That's just like having a cold all the time, but without any actual symptoms or problems. Who cares. Latula likes to high five people all the time, but doesn't like to be left hanging. That's a pun, because Redglare liked to hang people with nooses. Mindfang ultimately left Redglare hanging that way too. I'm explaining jokes here. What? I told you these stories would suck. You get what you pay for.**

**Porrim is better at social justice than Kankri because she isn't a boring asshole. Some social justice people should try looking into that. Porrim wants there to be equality for ladies. Not everybody cares about that though, which makes it hard for people like Porrim. That's the way it is in the real world. CHALLENGES. But in any case, she is a vampire with cool tattoos. End of story.**

**Aranea is a blabbermouth, just like Mindfang. She says long things both as a teen and as a sexy pirate adult that make people ask what am I even reading? It's about time I took over this exposition stand. The way I describe shit is a million times better. She sure charged me enough for it. God I took a bath on this thing. Why was it so expensive? IT'S MADE OF FUCKING CARDBOARD.**

**Horuss? That dude is just Equius on horse steroids. The end.**

**Kurloz chewed off his tongue and sewed his mouth shut because he's a weirdo in cahoots with Gamzee and English. Who even knows what they're up to. It's probably just a lot of stupid bullshit. Meaningless, clownish nonsense. Want to know why they're assembling the wicked ensemble? They probably just think it's funny. Kurloz speaks in bones when he does his clown hypnosis shit but otherwise he mimes everything because get this: he's pretty much literally a mime. Also a juggalo. Because that's exactly what Homestuck needed. Another fucking juggalo. Homestuck needed another juggalo like it needed...**

**Well, another twelve trolls I guess.**

**Cronus is the worst character in Homestuck by a nautical mile. Any questions?**

**Meenah is kind of throwing a bone to the pisces people who got stuck with Feferi. Feferi didn't really do anything and then she died. Meenah is a cool sassy punk who has more important stuff to do than Feferi ever did. You just spent like the last ten chapters reading through this shit from her POV so obviously you know that. You're probably sick of fish puns by now. After a while you start running out of fish puns. You can overdo it with fish puns, much like you can overfish the ocean. You start literally running out of fucking fish. Be careful out there.**


	225. Book 13 Chapter 12: A Date with Rose

Chapter 12: A Date with Rose Lalonde

Year 2 of the journey on a meteor.

**DAVE: (pshh psh bumBUM)**

**DAVE: (pshh psh bumBUM BUM psh)**

**DAVE: (**_**yeah**_**)**

**DAVE: (uh huh)**

**DAVE: (no wait)**

**DAVE: (more like...)**

**DAVE: (uh)**

**DAVE: (pshh psh **_**chch**_ **bumBUM)**

**DAVE: (TCH)**

**DAVE: (pshh psh **_**chch**_ **bumBUM BUM psh)**

**DAVE: (yeah thats right)**

**DAVE: (we are droppin it)**

**DAVE: (lets do this)**

**DAVE: (we are like)**

**DAVE: (in tha PROCESS)**

**DAVE: (right now)**

**DAVE: (droppin it like)**

**DAVE: (a thanksgiving turkey)**

**DAVE: (tripped over something and shit just got away from me)**

**DAVE: (my butterballs in freefall motherfuckers)**

**DAVE: (look out be GOD DAMN LOW)**

He doodled Karkat riding on a penis into the penis sunset as well as a swole looking Lord English with a six pack of abs. At the top of the page he'd written "raps" and then written a couple of lines but then he'd scratched them out. He was wearing headphones, which were plugged into one of the trolls' old laptops, and he was listening to some sick beats through them.

**DAVE: (yeah)**

**DAVE: (**_**yeah**_**)**

**DAVE: (droppin everything today)**

**DAVE: (making it rain)**

**DAVE: (precipitatin straight up mayhem)**

**DAVE: (HELLS of weather patterns closing in)**

**DAVE: (inanimate shit be slippin from my mitts)**

**DAVE: (my digits cant commit to a legitimate grip)**

**DAVE: (wait)**

**DAVE: (nah ima start over)**

**DAVE: (feel this flow out a lil more)**

**DAVE: (about how im droppin things today)**

**DAVE: (just left and right)**

**DAVE: (things of all shapes sizes and dubious metaphorical merit)**

**DAVE: (things aint even being held)**

**DAVE: (by chumps who cant be assed to show up)**

**DAVE: (droppin shit on yo BEHALF)**

**DAVE: (you name it)**

**DAVE: (ima let it go)**

**DAVE: (drop it like a frivolous lawsuit)**

**DAVE: (oh snap)**

**DAVE: (get out of my courtroom bitch)**

**DAVE: (WASTE OF TAXPAYER MONEY YO)**

**DAVE: (drop it like the most expensive fucking christmas ornament)**

**DAVE: (step on that glass with your bare ass feet)**

**DAVE: (christmas is RUINED motherfucker)**

**DAVE: (drop it like the mug in usual suspects)**

**DAVE: (kobayashi was your cup you dumb fuck)**

**DAVE: (lmao)**

**DAVE: (drop it like unemployment figures under the obama administrations bold economic policies)**

**DAVE: (drop it like cargo on a space getaway)**

**DAVE: (just)**

**DAVE: (jettison that motherfucker)**

**DAVE: (this rap is blasting off)**

**DAVE: (drop it like a bunch of firewood i just gathered)**

**DAVE: (gonna rub a couple muthafuckin sticks together)**

**DAVE: (just sittin here whippin up sick lyrical friction)**

**DAVE: (if you start smellin smoke you caught a whiff of my diction)**

**DAVE: (shits gettin warm but i wont stop til its hot)**

**DAVE: (warm just dont cut it when shits gettin dropped)**

**DAVE: (tell me how you feel)**

**DAVE: (about shit getting dropped)**

**DAVE: (how hot do you want it)**

**DAVE: (when i let go of the fire)**

**DAVE: (just say when)**

**DAVE: (what)**

**DAVE: (i cant hear you)**

**DAVE: (I SAID SAY WHEN MUTHAFUCKS SHIT IS BURNIN MY HANDS!)**

**DAVE: (eff it)**

**DAVE: (here we go)**

**DAVE: (just dropped that shit like a bad phone connection) **

**DAVE: (i put gravity in charge of its downward direction) **

**DAVE: (unfettered descents what it considers perfection) **

**DAVE: (shit thinks of the ground and it gets an erection) **

**DAVE: (best hope its carpet bound in its downward spiral) **

**DAVE: (cause linoleums frowned on, met with an eyeroll) **

**DAVE: (landin on grass is just the course that its par for) **

**DAVE: (but hardwood fuckin floors what its woods gettin hard for) **

**DAVE: (guess i should mention stead a motherfuckin hardons) **

**DAVE: (how my motherfuckin french could use a presidential pardon)**

**DAVE: (KICK IT BARACK) **

**DAVE: (heres where obamas rap solo comes in) **

**DAVE: (no but how dope would that be!) **

**DAVE: (oh fuck me that would own) **

**ROSE: SLUUUUUUUUUURRRRP.**

**DAVE: dammit**

**DAVE: rose dont drink so loud its messing up my raps**

**DAVE: i can actually hear your sips through my headphones**

**ROSE: Yea well,, **

**ROSE: I can her your rasps through your whipsers. **

**ROSE: *Whipspers... **

**ROSE: *Whip.. **

**ROSE: ... **

**ROSE: Zers. **

**ROSE: ;) **

**ROSE: HIC! **

**DAVE: oh my god**

**DAVE: you are so fucking hammered**

**DAVE: how strong did you even make that stuff**

**ROSE: Iss,**

**ROSE: Prehhhhtay strong I geush?**

**ROSE: Whups. Guesh?**

**ROSE: *Guessss.**

**ROSE: Eheh.**

**DAVE: pretty strong **

**DAVE: rose you just bootlegged some fucking rubbing alcohol **

**ROSE: Pshf. ..**

**ROSE: Overaeact much?**

**ROSE: I'm yam completally in command of my faculities.**

**DAVE: faculity isnt a word check mate **

**DAVE: this kinda strikes me as a sort of misappropriation of alchemy **

**DAVE: like fucking with the mystical technology of creation to whip up some moonshine just seems **

**DAVE: i dunno man **

**DAVE: tell me you at least alchemized a bathtub first to stir this shit in **

**DAVE: at least that would be hilarious **

**ROSE: Iii,**

**ROSE: Omg, you're right, I messed a golden opportutiny for a puticularly humoroush approach to this endeavor... :(**

**DAVE: and where the FUCK is my applejuice rose **

**DAVE: gotta say **

**DAVE: you really let me down on the aj front **

**ROSE: I tried!**

**ROSE: I tried making it...**

**ROSE: Is was HARD, Dave.**

**ROSE: (Sluuurp.)**

**DAVE: bullshit it was hard **

**DAVE: whats so hard about applejuice its like **

**DAVE: the most basic goddamn juice **

**DAVE: like the square one of juice **

**ROSE: Yes, tha's the POINT!**

**ROSE: Apples are stalartingly difficulf to reproduce.**

**ROSE: We take for granned our ability to take idealized intsances ofeven quie comlicated objects and conshure them from the void.**

**ROSE: But compalexity implies a heavilly recombinatife nature.. So.. so many things are synesthized from a series of mushh simpler ideas!**

**ROSE: To those ennities capable of, of conceshualization and absraction, an apple is as closed to being a noshushnally irredushible object as it gets...**

**ROSE: Ahem. ***_**Notionally**_**,**

**ROSE: **Irr, ed, **_**ducible**_**.**

**ROSE: Tell me, hoch shot, what ideas would you combide to make and apple?**

**DAVE: uh **

**ROSE: Exaaalley/.**

**ROSE: Thusis why apples are sush indivisible symbols, when it comes to thefield of ideas and their reducshunistHIC! reductionishtic essence from the perispective of humans in paticular.**

**ROSE: Both from a stantpoint of cultrulal and mytholurgical singificence,, and from a pratical one a swell, if you happen to fine yourself acshualy trying to ENGINEEEer one.**

**ROSE: Why do you thing, HIC! Why do you think Adam mand Eve were punished for biting in to one?**

**ROSE: They attemped to pentetrate an indivisible unit, uf fundamenetal knowledge. To consume the interior of a thought whish cantot be reduced any further.**

**ROSE: This knowleshe was for BIDDEN..! Hic. So humanity was forever bandished to live in sin, and, hass strive ever sinse to redeem isself from the hubrinse of this innallectual foily.**

**ROSE: Hahaha! , Foily.**

**ROSE: ***_**FOLLY.**_ **:)**

**ROSE: Or what about, the tale of Isaac Newdon under the tree? He was BONKED on the head by an apple.**

**ROSE: Not reallyan apple though... an atomic idea. An emlemental unit of inspripation itself, id clocked him right on then noggin.**

**ROSE: And this indivisible notion colliding with hish awareness, much like.. . a high speed partical fired to create a nuculear chain reacation, jarred from the void a more profund unnerstand, HIC, ing of the intrinsic nature of nothiness. Thatis,. Gravivitation.**

**ROSE: Of course thess stories are acutually bullshit. They didn't happen in realaity. But thef act that they'rare bullshit makes them more inshresting.**

**ROSE: Men have crefted many stories that are bullshit out of symbols risen from the abyss of coinsciousness withou necesharily knowing whath e fuck they were doing or saying, as they flounered around for some truth.**

**ROSE: Bust in spite of themseleves they would for howefer briefly cross through a ray of light regarless. Becuss of the sbymbols. Dave.. The symbols hol dall the power.**

**DAVE: well shit **

**DAVE: looks like i wandered into a really weird uncharted side of town tonight **

**DAVE: its called the drunk rose district **

**DAVE: and i am scared out of my fucking mind **

**ROSE: For a guay whos's supposedly, an I quote, "so cool,"**

**ROSE: You relly are almost comically up tight.**

**ROSE: Here, why don't you have some...**

**DAVE: no! **

**ROSE: What a prune.**

**ROSE: *Prude.**

**ROSE: Hic.**

**DAVE: i told you i dont want any of your experimental fucking spacewizard booze **

**DAVE: id rather not go blind **

**DAVE: then terezi will have to teach me to lick shit to see **

**DAVE: is that what you want do you want me licking everything in sight **

**DAVE: like oh hey mayor SLURP oh fuck youre not the mayor youre my goddamn sister **

**ROSE: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ;D**

**DAVE: oh my god**

**DAVE: you laughed way too hard at that it wasnt anywhere close to that funny**

**DAVE: i think youve had enough**

**ROSE: *Siiip.* **

**ROSE: Whaa? **

**DAVE: good lord**

**DAVE: i still dont know why you were so bent on making this liquor**

**DAVE: i thought you werent really that down with the drinkin**

**DAVE: you never liked it when your mom drank what happened to that**

**ROSE: Meh. . **

**ROSE: Sheh was a lonelay single mom. **

**ROSE: I forgafe her. **

**DAVE: ok so why**

**DAVE: why tonight do you just decide to get completely wasted before you**

**DAVE: like**

**DAVE: are you nervous about your date with kanaya is that it**

**ROSE: I's a date? **

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: yes**

**ROSE: Howww do yoi figure, **

**ROSE: It' sa date. **

**DAVE: rose**

**DAVE: you are wearing a friggin prom dress**

**DAVE: and nervously drinking your ass off**

**DAVE: while you are waiting for kanaya to arrive**

**DAVE: for a goddamn DATE**

**ROSE: Can't a girl jush look her best once an awhile? **

**DAVE: this is infuriating**

**DAVE: why do you even bother with this stupid charade**

**DAVE: you could be at like a drive in movie making out with each other**

**DAVE: all exchanging class rings while giving birth to each others fucking children**

**DAVE: and you would still be all coy like IS IT A DATE OR ISNT IT HMMMM WHO CAN REALLY SAY FOR SURE?**

**ROSE: Ok... **

**ROSE: Mebey, **

**ROSE: I took a liltle sip totake the edge off? **

**DAVE: yeah**

**DAVE: that turned out to be one hell of a sip**

**DAVE: maybe you should just reschedule**

**ROSE: NoooooHIC! **

**ROSE: *No :( **

**DAVE: just sleep it off there are more hot dates where that came from**

**ROSE: It's cool I'm, cool. **

**ROSE: Really! **

**DAVE: im just not sure youre gonna make the best impression like this**

**DAVE: come on lets just find you a suitably soft pile of objects to sleep in before she**

**DAVE: aw shit**

**ROSE: Mmm? **

**DAVE: shes here**

**ROSE: !**

**KANAYA: Good Evening**

**ROSE: HIC! **

**DAVE: omfg i cant even deal**

**KANAYA: Oh**

**KANAYA: Hmm**

**ROSE: Whas is it? **

**KANAYA: Am I**

**KANAYA: Underdressed For The Occasion**

**ROSE: No!, **

**ROSE: You look sho great. **

**KANAYA: If Id Known You Wanted To Dress In More Elegant Attire I Would Have Happily Uh**

**KANAYA: Hmmm**

**ROSE: :) **

**KANAYA: Well**

**KANAYA: If Um**

**KANAYA: You Think Im Fine Like This Then Okay**

**DAVE: (rose i think you started drinking way too early)**

**DAVE: (i think you just like)**

**DAVE: (completely fucking forgot to tell kanaya you were dressing up)**

**ROSE: Yeah, I.. ..Ha ha, wow. **

**ROSE: Yo'ure prolaby right. **

**ROSE: I sarted soooo... **

**ROSE: Sooooooooooo, **

**ROSE: Whennid I start? **

**ROSE: What even time isit. **

**DAVE: (man youre gonna make her so uncomfortable all dolled up like that not to mention three sheets to the fucking wind)**

**DAVE: (this date is going to be so awkward)**

**ROSE: (Its'snottaDATE!) **

**DAVE: (yeah sure)**

**KANAYA: Rose**

**KANAYA: Are You Feeling Alright**

**ROSE: Whay do you ask? **

**ROSE: Becouse if, **

**ROSE: You want to kno, I relay fell, **

**ROSE: Quiiiiiiie fabuloush! **

**KANAYA: Ah**

**KANAYA: It Seems You May Have Imbibed One Of Your Experimental Human Soporifics**

**ROSE: HIC! **

**KANAYA: Whoah**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**KANAYA: Well Then**

**KANAYA: I Guess That Would Explain It**

**ROSE: Esplain what? **

**KANAYA: The Lethargy You Possibly Experienced When It Came To Completing Our Rendezvous In A Timely Manner**

**ROSE: Our, **

**ROSE: Wait.. **

**ROSE: Waat. **

**KANAYA: I Was Waiting For You In The Common Area For A Couple Hours But You Did Not Show Up**

**KANAYA: So**

**KANAYA: I Came To Find You**

**DAVE: (SMH)**

**ROSE: Oh, **

**ROSE: Oh**_**hhhhh**_**., **

**ROSE: Oh mey god...**

**ROSE: **_**I FORGOD ABOUT OUR DATE!**_

**ROSE: hic :c**


	226. Book 13 Chapter 13: Aushpipshit

Chapter 13: Aushpipshit

Rose banged her head against the table and covered her eyes.

**KANAYA: Our Date**

**KANAYA: Then**

**KANAYA: You Did Intend For The Plans We Made To Be A Date**

**KANAYA: Which Is To Say One That Was Romantically Oriented**

**DAVE: holy shit we got a room full of smooth operators here tonight**

**DAVE: yes kanaya it was going to be a romantically oriented date**

**ROSE: I'm so sorry aaaah..!**

**DAVE: but as you can see rose is hooched to the fucking max**

**DAVE: so i think youre better off going out another time**

**ROSE: No!**

**ROSE: I said I swas stilt up for it.**

**ROSE: I aready, HIC, fucked up, by loshing track of time.**

**ROSE: I'mnot going to blow it again!**

**DAVE: ugh**

**DAVE: you seriously still wanna go through with this**

**KANAYA: Well**

**KANAYA: Im Still Amenable To An Evening Of**

**KANAYA: Whatever**

**ROSE: :D**

**KANAYA: But**

**KANAYA: Is There Some Reason Why You Would Advise Otherwise Dave**

**KANAYA: I Will Have To Plead Ignorance On The Subject Of Human Courtship And Its Customs When It Involves One Or More Intoxicated Participants**

**KANAYA: Is There A Problem**

**DAVE: a problem**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: i dunno if youre cool with your date slurring words and making no damn sense about apples then**

**DAVE: i guess not?**

**KANAYA: ...**

**DAVE: why are you both looking at me**

**DAVE: stop that**

**ROSE: ;D**

**DAVE: no dont**

**DAVE: hey i am not your fucking life coach here**

**DAVE: if you want to go on a drunkdate what do i care**

**DAVE: man what do i even know about "human courtship" anyway**

**DAVE: not like i ever dated a fuckin human**

**DAVE: so i guess have at it**

**KANAYA: Alright**

**DAVE: awesome**

**DAVE: datenite with drunky it is**

**DAVE: go apeshit i guess**

**DAVE: uh so**

**DAVE: what should i do here**

**DAVE: you want me to pack up my raps and leave you alone or**

**ROSE: Ohn no, you don't have to do than...**

**ROSE: We can leaf you tou your slam poems in peace.**

**ROSE: Kayaya, why don't we go for a walk?**

**KANAYA: Yes**

**KANAYA: After You**

**KANAYA: If You Can Actually**

**KANAYA: Manage To**

**KANAYA: Whoa There!**

**KANAYA: Maintain Your Balance**

**KANAYA: Okay**

**KANAYA: Are You Good**

**KANAYA: Okay Good**

**KANAYA: Lets Go**

They walked off together into the dark hallways of the lab.

**KANAYA: Since Its Now Clear That Your Premeditated Designs On This Evening Exceeded My Own By A Wide Margin**

**KANAYA: Insofar As You Intended This To Be A Date With Fancy Clothes Whereas I Showed Up Looking Like Something The Lusus Dragged In**

**KANAYA: Maybe You Can Tell Me Now Exactly What You Had In Mind**

**KANAYA: I Mean**

**KANAYA: As Far As Specific Activities Are Concerned**

**ROSE: Noupe!**

**KANAYA: Noupe**

**KANAYA: I Mean Nope**

**KANAYA: Nope What**

**ROSE: I honessly had not drafted blueprins for the evening.**

**ROSE: Assine from.,**

**ROSE: Gettin prettied up, aaand,**

**ROSE: Actually, you know... being puncutual abou my commiment.**

**ROSE: Wohoops.**

**KANAYA: Its Really Okay Though**

**KANAYA: I Admit I Was Irked For A Moment But Then Realized It Was So Unlike You That Extenuating Circumstances Were Most Likely In Play**

**KANAYA: So I Went To Find You And Lo And Behold**

**KANAYA: Extenuation Was What I Found To Be Taking Place**

**ROSE: Omg.**

**ROSE: Kangaya,.**

**ROSE: I 'm.**

**ROSE: Soooo extenuated righ now.**

**ROSE: Hic.**

**GAMZEE: honk**

**ROSE: !**

**KANAYA: What**

**ROSE: Dish you hear something?**

**KANAYA: No Hear What**

**ROSE: Hum.**

**ROSE: Maybe yoush ould turn the lighst on…**

Kanaya began to glow.

**KANAYA: That Better**

**ROSE: Yes.**

**ROSE: Shhh!**

**ROSE: ..**

**ROSE: . .**

**ROSE: ...**

**ROSE: .,**

**ROSE: ,..**

**KANAYA: (what are we listening for)**

**ROSE: Erh, nothing I gues.**

**ROSE: Annyway.**

**ROSE: I just thouh that,**

**ROSE: Tonight...**

**ROSE: We could just walk a round for a while an talk.**

**ROSE: About relly anything. Like...**

**ROSE: Our worls, or, the fushure, or,**

**ROSE: How you'are going to save your speshies. :)**

**KANAYA: Yes That Sounds Nice**

**ROSE: Just have a casusal, spoptaneous evening. I don' .. hic, I don't ses why dates have to alayways be,**

**ROSE: A felderal fucking eschew. Dono't you agree?**

**GAMZEE: honk**

**ROSE: !**

She looked up at a ventilation shaft nearby.

**ROSE: Kaynaya.**

**ROSE: Can you kep a secret? **

**KANAYA: Yes**

**ROSE: I learned somethin earlier today.**

**ROSE: It was trobuling.**

**ROSE: Something about,**

**ROSE: Teresi.**

**ROSE: Aand,**

**ROSE: ...**

**KANAYA: And What **

**ROSE: And Gamshee.**

**KANAYA: ! **

**ROSE: See...**

**ROSE: I bumped into him earliar.**

**KANAYA: You Did **

**KANAYA: Where? **

**ROSE: No no please, pleeasse don't get angry, and. ..**

**ROSE: Go on another vengeful clown hunting espedition, I...**

**ROSE: This is the point, this is was troubling me abou this.**

**ROSE: I don't want anyone to fight!**

**KANAYA: Actually **

**KANAYA: Theres No Need To Worry About That **

**KANAYA: I Think Im Done Trying To Kill Him **

**ROSE: You are?**

**KANAYA: Yeah **

**KANAYA: He Has Achieved Victory Through The Gambit Of Cowards Default **

**KANAYA: Dont Get Me Wrong He Is Still Utterly Awful **

**KANAYA: But Sometimes You Just Have To Let A Thing Go **

**KANAYA: You Know **

**ROSE: Yeahhh,**

**KANAYA: What Were You Saying About Terezi And Gamzee **

**ROSE: Righ, well apparenly they..**

**ROSE: Are.**

**ROSE: An item?**

**ROSE: Blackways, I mean.**

**KANAYA: What **

**ROSE: The y'are spades dating. In theh shadowns... nobody knows. But me. An now,**

**ROSE: You.**

**KANAYA: Are You Serious **

**ROSE: Yesh!**

**ROSE: And it's been troubling me, the more I thing about it.**

**ROSE: All lot.**

**KANAYA: Why **

**ROSE: Because it presends a prickly prolitical sishuation.**

**ROSE: Terezi's relationship with Karkant is already somewhat tenuous, with their... well from, what I've gathered, about their hishtory.**

**ROSE: And Dave! His involovment makes in even more complicated, and,**

**ROSE: I think, with Karkat being moirails to Gamzee, if he finds out Gamzee iss spades with Tetreezi, then...**

**ROSE: Correct me if I'm wrong but isin't that whole arrangemen getting into territory of social taboob?**

**ROSE: * Tabob. Escuse me.**

**KANAYA: That Could Be Very Awkward Yes**

**ROSE: Right!**

**ROSE: I don't no if it's my ser powers or what, but, HIC, I can see it unfolting all too clearly.**

**ROSE: Karkast finds out about it and flies inno a rage. It ruins hish moirlallegelleninance... I mean his moiraHIC!.. It ruins his diamonds with Gamzee, who thefore becomes less stable.**

**ROSE: And he villifies Trepezi as well, and who knows how she reacs. Or what happens with Dave for that matter.**

**ROSE: Would Dave actually be aright wich Terezi dating a psychotic clown on th side, even if its is a releationship centered around only enmity? I kinof doubt it.**

**ROSE: He could side with Korkat on the matter.. Not even tos peak of where your alignment is on the subjech of Gamzeen.**

**ROSE: Which is, what I fear. I'm afraid that,**

**ROSE: This could create a schisasm in our group, that we could all be torn apart.**

**ROSE: And I don't wand that!**

**ROSE: I want us all to stay friends, and jus be... peaceful togehter. :(**

**KANAYA: Me Too **

**KANAYA: I Can See The Dilemma Here **

**KANAYA: Are You Actually Thinking About **

**KANAYA: Um **

**KANAYA: Doing Something About This **

**ROSE: I dun't know!**

**ROSE: Maybe I shouldn't intrefere with their kishmeshishit... kshimimishimesh.. Aw fuck.**

**ROSE: Their hate dating.**

**ROSE: Maybe it's..**

**ROSE: Just a wonderful thing for them. An I would beh hoorible to inerfere, with their..**

**ROSE: Beaufiful hate?**

**ROSE: The problem is, it's still soo alien to me. The idea of blapck romance.**

**ROSE: I try to understand, sometimes, like, more than inteclectually. I try to, put myself in the shoes of FEELING that an...**

**ROSE: It still dosn't make sense to me.**

**ROSE: I don't want to project my human valuesh on to an alien relationship I dispapprove of.**

**KANAYA: I Understand **

**KANAYA: But What Youre Describing Is **

**KANAYA: Hmm **

**KANAYA: Actually Im Hesitant To Even Mention It **

**ROSE: No, what!**

**KANAYA: This Is Probably Not A Good Idea **

**ROSE: Oh, puleashe. You KNOW you have to tall me now.**

**KANAYA: The Feelings You Are Having Are Actually Perfectly Normal Within The Framework Of Our Quadrant Based Romantic Tradition **

**KANAYA: I Dont Know If They Can Be Felt Naturally By Humans But The Way You Are Viewing Their Relationship Would Be Quite A Standard Response On Alternia **

**ROSE: Yeah?**

**KANAYA: Yes **

**KANAYA: It Is Sanctioned Within The Ashen Quadrant **

**KANAYA: Which Addresses Conciliatory Romantic Feelings Not Directed At A Single Person **

**KANAYA: But At Two People Who Are Presently In Such A Contentious Relationship **

**ROSE: Oh shitch... I forgot about that.. **

**ROSE: You're right, :o**

**KANAYA: It Is Generally Not Regarded As One Of The More Emotionally Fulfilling Quadrants To Become Involved In **

**KANAYA: And Can Be Quite Laborious To Maintain **

**KANAYA: But It Served A Very Important Social Purpose For My People **

**KANAYA: Such As In Situations Very Similar To The One You Described **

**KANAYA: Where Two Parties Are Highly Drawn To Each Other Through Animosity **

**KANAYA: They May In Fact Be Perfect For Each Other In That Tumultuous Quadrant **

**KANAYA: But To Pursue The Relationship Would Be Chaos **

**KANAYA: Much Like The Scenario You Laid Out The Two Kismeses If Left Unchecked Would Devastate All Their Other Relationships **

**KANAYA: Those In Their Own Quadrants And Even Those In Other Peoples **

**KANAYA: So It Is The Job Of An Auspistice To Make Sure That Doesnt Happen **

**ROSE: Yes...**

**ROSE: .**

**ROSE: hic.**

**ROSE: .**

**ROSE: YES...**

**ROSE: KANAYA THAT IS EXAGLY WHAT I NEED TO DO! **

**KANAYA: Oh No**

**KANAYA: Really**

**ROSE: Absoulutely. **

**ROSE: I haf never been so shure.. about, anything. **

**ROSE: Well maybe, almost anaything.. :), but yes. **

**KANAYA: I Dont Think I Would Advise It**

**KANAYA: Its Extremely Difficult And Can Often Feel Like A Thankless Undertaking**

**KANAYA: In Truth It Is Probably The Most Challenging Quadrant To Master**

**KANAYA: Trust Me**

**ROSE: I believe you. **

**ROSE: But I wants to know. **

**ROSE: Can you teach me? **

**KANAYA: I**

**KANAYA: ...**

**ROSE: There's so mouch I just don't understand. **

**ROSE: About your romanse, but, **

**ROSE: I'm soi curious. **

**ROSE: I try to understand the concept of either contentatious or plastonic relationships as something that... **

**ROSE: Can be parshed through the emotions assoliated with romance but,, **

**ROSE: It still doesn't realay compute to me. **

**KANAYA: I Really**

**KANAYA: Dont Know If I Would Be A Good Teacher**

**KANAYA: Of Auspisticism**

**KANAYA: I Honestly Was Not Very Good At It Myself**

**ROSE: Tha's fine.. **

**ROSE: Forget aushpipshit... **

**ROSE: Auspishtishimish.. **

**ROSE: Good damn. **

**ROSE: Forget specificulty that right now,. **

**ROSE: I want... **

**ROSE: You to teach me evvverrreeything! **

**KANAYA: Everything**

**ROSE: Yez.**

She put her hands on Kanaya's shoulders and stared into her eyes.

**KANAYA: That Is**

**KANAYA: A Lot Of Things**

**ROSE: I want you... to,**

**ROSE: Teash me ALL the quadrans.**

**ROSE: I want you toot, **

**ROSE: Tell me about your spabes, **

**ROSE: Your didamounds,**

**ROSE: I wank you to, **

**ROSE: Share wish me yur clumbs... **

**ROSE: And your hearst.**

Rose reached her hand up towards Kanaya's lips.

**ROSE: I want..**

**ROSE: Yuouo...**

Rose pulled Kanaya into a deep kiss before rolling down the steps they had come to, bonking her head on each step as she went down.

And with the smitten Seer's inebriated descent down a flight of escalation zigzags through the dark subway-like belly of the meteor, and with teen xenolove mingling with weird honks from the ventshafts to fill the fetid laboratory air with parts mirth and gaiety, we are ready to bid adieu to this hyperimportant fucking around on the pitch-perfect note of a single textbook deployment of the rare yet highly embarrassing DRUNK HAPPEN xROSE COMBOBOB.

And once again we find ourselves poised to attempt to exit this intermission prematurely, while forgetting to address exactly no loose ends whatsoever. You go to the next chapter to find a pair of green curtains that won't close, and are fooled completely by them, as usual.


	227. Book 13 Chapter 14: Act 6 Act 4

Chapter 14: Act 6 Act 4

End of Act 6 Act… Psyche.

And there you have it. Literally the worst psycheout in Homestuck thus far, hands down.

But seriously, we still need to see what Meenah and Vriska have to say to each other. Proceed to the next chapter to find out how these twin titans of in-your-face delinquency react to each other's unique brands of reckless antihero chutzpah.


	228. Book 13 Chapter 15: MINISTRIFE!

Chapter 15: MINISTRIFE!

**MEENAH: H-EY YOU! serket lookin girl**

**MEENAH: wanna join my army**

**VRISKA: Oh, I see. It's the Peixes wanna8e. So you're the one raising this army. That's hilarious.**

**VRISKA: Sorry, I can't join your dum8 army. I'm 8usy pursuing a much more intelligent strategy.**

**MEENAH: who da fuck you callin a wannabe? lousy pants wearin smart mouth aranea ripoff**

**MEENAH: now get in my army fore i poke you up beeyotch**

Meenah grabbed her trident out of her strife specibus.

**VRISKA: Not gonna happen! I am however looking for a large num8er of recruits to follow me on my treasure hunting expedition.**

**MEENAH: wut**

**VRISKA: I need an enormous mo8 of ghosts following me around to get that asshole's attention, so he can wreck more empty space and help me find the treasure! You want in?**

**MEENAH: that makes no fuckin sense at all**

**MEENAH: anemoneway i dont recall giving anyone clearance for a whalenormous treasure hunt**

**MEENAH: as the rightful heiress that sorta noise has to go through me yo!**

**VRISKA: Haha! Wow, I had no idea the Peixes twin was such a riot! At least, I HOPE you were trying to 8e funny with that remark.**

**VRISKA: John! Tavros! Stop goofing off over there and come get a load of this chick!**

Tavros and John stopped fumbling with the ring and walked over to where Vriska and Meenah were facing off.

**TAVROS: uHH, wHAT? wHAT AM i ACTUALLY GETTING A LOAD OF,**

**JOHN: oh, it's you! i remember you.**

**MEENAH: ITS BLU-E BOY! hahaha i forgot about this dumb nerd**

She wound her arm with the trident in it back

**JOHN: hey… what are you doing with that…**

**JOHN: no, please put the pokey thing down!**

**MEENAH: H-EY BLU-E BOY! CATC)(!**

She threw her spear at John, hitting him square in the chest.

**JOHN: AUGH, NOT AGAIN!**

**TAVROS: oH, yES, eHEHEHEHEHEH,**

John vanished.

**VRISKA: Oh no. You did NOT just fork-vanish my alt universe ex 8oyfriend. No you DIDN'T!**

**MEENAH: guess u could say i made him**

**MEENAH: disaSP-EAR 38)**

**VRISKA: Who do you think you are? Some sort of 8ad girl? Please, that's o8viously my turf.**

**VRISKA: 8ut you clearly want to rum8le, so who am I to deny you the 8eatdown you're angling for?**

**MEENAH: angling? hey stick to spider puns or whatever if youre gonna talk smack**

**MEENAH: FIS)( PUNS AR-E MY TURF!**

**MEENAH: or i guess i mean... surf 38?**

**VRISKA: Yeah, uh, I don't really DO puns? Mainly 8ecause I'm not a lame wiggler.**

**VRISKA: Anyway you sure like to wave that trident around while running your mouth. I wonder if you had any intention of engaging in any actual com8at?**

**VRISKA: Guess it's up to me to get this party started, as usual. Watch and learn!**

Vriska floated up into the air and changed into her god tier outfit.

**MEENAH: aw man is this what were doin now**

**MEENAH: changing into our bullshit god rags?**

**VRISKA: Your move, punk! :::;)**

**MEENAH: but these jams are so ugly**

**MEENAH: bleh fine here goes nofin**

Meenah rose into the air and changed into her god tier outfit.

**MEENAH: -E-E-E-E-E-EUUUG)(**

**MEENAH: i look like hell... all beige and shit**

**MEENAH: how can you even stand these grody ass thief duds**

**VRISKA: Wow, unreal. What a prima donna! Tavros, can you 8elieve this girl?**

**VRISKA: Hey, what are you doing? Stop fidgeting around! Are you looking for something?**

Tavros had begun to skitter around nervously, looking all over the ground.

**TAVROS: (mUst fINd, my pReciOUs,,,)**

**MEENAH: i was thinkin of modding ma peejays to look a little snazzier**

**MEENAH: water you think of...**

She changed the upper part of the outfit to a crop top.

**MEENAH: this?**

**VRISKA: Uh…..**

Meenah changed back the upper part but made the pants into shorts and donned green leggings underneath.

**MEENAH: or this? or maybe...**

**VRISKA: ::::|**

She changed into a Horuss-style steampunk jacket.

**MEENAH: wait how bout…**

She turned the shirt back into a crop top, only this time with a green undershirt that trailed out behind her.

**MEENAH: yea?**

**VRISKA: ?**

**VRISKA: Oh my god. Will you stop?**

**VRISKA: You don't like your gear, just do what I do. Take it to the next level! Check it.**

She tossed the fluorine octet, donning her Mindfang cosplay, and grinned at Meenah.

**MEENAH: da fuuuuck**

**MEENAH: come on girl i aint got no dice or fancy pirate threads this is like my top shellf battle mode here**

**MEENAH: but i CAN call for backup**

**MEENAH: my homies can help teach you to show your royalty a lil respect **

Meenah whistled and Aranea appeared at her side.

**ARANEA: Hey, what's going on here?! Meenah, are you fighting with my dancestor? This is so counterproductive!**

**MEENAH: original recipe serket. quit yer glubbin and go god tier already theres a rumble goin down in the hood**

**ARANEA: Oh, fine. 8ut I am not participating in this fight!**

Aranea put her god tier robes on.

**VRISKA: Hey there, dorky teen Marquise! Nice of you to join us.**

**VRISKA: Your friend seems to think she's the only one who can call for 8ackup.**

**VRISKA: As if I don't have god tier pals w8ting in the wings too!**

Vriska whistled and Aradia appeared at her side.

**ARADIA: huh? what is happening here... wait**

**ARADIA: is this a party? oh goodness i think it is OuO**

**ARADIA: this is like a fun costume party for ghosts isnt it! whats the occasion?**

**VRISKA: Nothing, Megido. Just a run of the mill afterlife smackdown. You're on my team.**

**ARADIA: oh but im not doing any fighting**

**ARANEA: Neither am I!**

**VRISKA: God dammit, Aradia.**

**MEENAH: scrod clammit aranea**

**MEENAH: aight we need some non pacifisht chumps on the scene pronto**

**MEENAH: E-Y ANYON-E IN TH-E G)(OST VICINITY G-ET Y-ER TAIL OV-ER )(-ER-E S)(IT IS GOING DOWN**

**VRISKA: YEAH!**

Seven more ghosts appeared: Dream Latula, Kankri, and Porrim on Meenah's side, and half-dead Sollux, Dream Equius, and two Aradiabots on Vriska's side.

**LATULA: wooooo, 4w y34h grlz, h34rd you w3r3 st4rt1ng 4 p4rty ov3r h3r3? XD**

**MEENAH: no its not a party its...**

**KANKRI: Hm. I see s9me9ne has ch9sen t9 dress as a pirate f9r this party, in spite 9f the negative ass9ciati9ns that the 9ld marauding classes have with vi9lent a6use, 9ppressi9n, n9t even t9 menti9n**

**MEENAH: ARRRRRGH DUD-E GTFO**

**LATULA: yo porr1m! n1c3 costum3! w4y to ch4ng3 1nto som3th1ng on such short not1c3. H1 F1V3!**

**PORRIM: What? No+, this isn't a co+stume. It's just what I was wearing. I came o+ver here to+ see what all the co+mmo+tio+n was abo+ut.**

**LATULA: d4mn grl you just look1ng f1n3 for th3 h3ll of 1t th3n! GRL POWER!**

**PORRIM: Uh... sure. So+ this is a party? So+unds like fun!**

**MEENAH: noooooo its not a party gfd 38(**

**ARADIABOT: lets annihilate them**

**ARADIABOT: yes lets. i am in the m00d t0 ruin s0meb0dy**

**VRISKA: Right on! I knew I could count on you crazy metal 8roads for some mayhem.**

**SOLLUX: hey aradia, uh... y0ur rob0 clones l0ok like they're ab0ut to flip the fuck 0ut. they're making me nervous, eheheh. can you try talking s0me sense into them?**

**ARADIA: sorry sollux my robotic duplicates have always been free agents totally exempt from my influence and better judgment**

**ARADIA: equius do you think you can calm them down?**

**EQUIUS: D - They are persnickety devices**

**EQUIUS: D - Often sweat seeps into their circuitry and causes them to behave more erratically**

**EQUIUS: D - Which unfortunately only causes me to sweat even more profusely, I am afraid**

**ARADIA: equius weve never talked about it but im not sure how comfortable i am with you um... courting such a great plurality of my mechanical doubles**

**EQUIUS: D - On a scale of 1 to 100, how depraved would you say you find my behavior?**

**EQUIUS: D - (please be 100, please be 100...)**

**ARADIA: i never should have kissed you that time**

**ARADIA: it was such a mistake :(**

**EQUIUS: D - (I NEED A TOWEL)**

**EQUIUS: D - (A NEW ONE I MEAN)**

More people began to appear, attracted to the hubbub. Nepeta, Feferi, and Eridan on the Alternian side, and Dream Cronus, god tier Meulin, Mituna, and Kurloz on the Beforan.

**MITUNA: HA7H 4NYW0NG 533N MY H4ML37**

**KURLOZ: :o)**

**MITUNA: OOOH H3YWH04 N1C3 C0THUM3 8UDDY**

**KURLOZ: :o)**

**CRONUS: (be quiet. by saying anything, youre really making a horrible impression on people we should be trying to impress here.)**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY**

**CRONUS: (ill forgivwe you, but this is the last time i evwer do. im at my vwits end with you.)**

**MITUNA: 1M 50RRY PL3453 PL3453 FORG1V3 M3 4G41N**

**FEFERI: GLUB! (whoops, i mean glub. oh gosh, it's my ancestor!)**

**FEFERI: (i'm so nervous, i can't let her notice me. she's so unbubblievably cool! *swoonami*)**

**MEENAH: (aw snap its my ancestor. wish i didnt notice her)**

**MEENAH: (must... supress... urge... to murder her for royal supremacy omg)**

Nepeta went over to Meulin and Cronus went over to Eridan.

**MEULIN: (^****・****ω****・****^) 333333333!**

**NEPETA: :33 333333333!**

**MEULIN: (^****・****o****・****^)****ノ** ** 333333333!**

**NEPETA: :33 333333333!**

**MEULIN: (=^ω^=) 333333333!**

**ERIDAN: wwhoa man could you maybe stop bumpin me wwith your codpiece**

**CRONUS: sorry chief, honest mistake. so are you doing anything later?**

**ERIDAN: wwait are you actually seriously hittin on me**

**ERIDAN: wwoww dude evven i think youre trash**

**CRONUS:im a cool enough cat if you get to know me. you didnt ansvwer the question.**

**ERIDAN: sigh fine lets go out on a date i guess. flippin amazin this tragic scenarios wwhat i been reduced to**

**MEENAH: H-EY! everyone stay on the right goddamn sides. cronus im lookin at you**

**VRISKA: Yeah! Nepeta, 8ack in line. You people need to start taking this 8rawl more seriously.**

On the Beforan side, Rufioh in the metal horse body Horuss had made him, Damara in a schoolgirl outfit, another Aranea, god tier Rufioh, another Mituna, Horuss in a horse outfit, Dream Porrim, and another Kankri showed up. Slowly, more ghosts began to pile in.

On the Alternian side, Dream Sollux, Gamzee in his weird fake god tier outfit, Kanaya, Terezi, another Tavros, another Nepeta, another Equius, Dream Feferi, and Dream Karkat appeared. More ghosts began to pile on this side too.

**RUFIOH: yo my gangstas! d1d 1 hear you were go1ng off to f1ght a ghost k1ll1ng demon...**

**RUFIOH: m1nd 1f 1 tag along... 1've been hop1ng for a chance to put an end to my cruel joke of an ex1stence... haha... bangarang.**

**VRISKA: Hell yes! On this team I have a MAJOR need for expenda8le people.**

**MEULIN: (^****・****o****・****^) HORSEBODY!RUFIOH, DON'T BE SUCH A DOWNER! DIDN'T YOU GET THE MEWOMO? THIS IS NOT A CATFIGHT, IT'S A COSTUME PURRTY!**

**MEENAH: no no it really is a catfight. or i mean a regular fight... urrgh**

**KANKRI: Meulin, it w9uld 6e great if y9u didn't use this party as a platf9rm t9 engage in suicide shaming. I think Rufi9h is triggered en9ugh as it is having t9 live with the hein9us 69dy of a metal h9rse.**

**DAMARA: ****これは何ですか？ハロウィーンの乱交？**

**VRISKA: Are you fuckers deaf? This 8n't a party!**

**MEULIN: (^****・****_****・****^) …**

**PORRIM: Ho+russ, yo+ur o+utfit lo+o+ks nice, but so+rry to+ say it was a false alarm. It's no+t a co+stume party.**

**HORUSS: 8=D This isn't a costume. I am literally a majestic stallion, and my appearance refle% this noble reality.**

**PORRIM: Ah. Go+tcha. Hey guys, can I be o+n the o+ther team?**

**MEENAH: no!**

**KANAYA: Yes!**

**KARKAT: THIS GATHERING HAS COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY MY ABILITY TO TOLERATE STUPIDITY AND AWFULNESS. GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.**

**KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT. THE CROWD IS TOO THICK, I CAN'T EVEN GET AWAY FROM THIS SHIT. EVERYBODY FUCKING MOVE!**

**TAVROS: eXCUSE ME, oTHER PEOPLE,**

**TAVROS: wHO ARE ME, AND OTHERWISE,**

**GAMZEE: honk.**

**TAVROS: hAVE YOU SEEN, a BEAUTIFUL TREASURE ON THE FLOOR,**

**TAVROS: tHAT IS MORE SPECIFICALLY A RING,**

**TEREZI: K4RK4T, SHUT UP TH1S 1S GR34T!**

**TEREZI: W3 N33D TO G3T MOR3 P3OPL3 J4MM3D 1NTO TH1S SW33T F1GHTP4RTY M4SQU3R4DE! :]**

Suddenly, a whole crowd of ghosts was gathered.

**PORRIM: I saw the cro+wd fro+m way o+ver there. Acco+rding to+ peo+ple o+n the cusp, this is so+me so+rt o+f co+stume party?**

**LATULA: tru f4ctz grl! just j4m yours3lf 1n th3 p1l3, l1k3z th1s!**

**MEENAH: aw fuck are people way over there still callin this a party**

**ARADIABOT: destr0y**

**MITUNA: S0M30N3 15 70U5H1NG M3. 7H17H N33D5 70 570P**

**DAMARA: ****誰かが私に触れている。続けてください****。**

**KANKRI: S9ME9NE IS TRIGGERING ME. THIS NEEDS T9 6E TAGGED.**

**PORRIM: Sho+o+sh!**

**KARKAT: OH GOD, I CAN HEAR HIM WHINING FROM ALL THE WAY OVER THERE.**

**KANAYA: Someone Over There Is Probably making The Same Observation About You**

**KARKAT: YEAH, AND YOUR ANCESTOR IS PROBABLY CHIDING HIM MATERNALLY OVER THERE, JUST LIKE YOU ARE WITH ME. EVER THINK ABOUT THAT?**

**KANAYA: Im Sorry**

**ARADIABOT: kill**

**TAVROS: (wherE, OH, wHERe,)**

**SOLLUX: eheheheh, thii2 party ii2 a fuckiing JOKE.**

**ERIDAN: no its a shitty battle royale pass it on you dirtscrapin sack of honey dijon rubbish**

**SOLLUX: niice dress fiin face, olol.**

**TAVROS: (iS, my PReCIouS,)**

**VRISKA: Tavros, stop crawling around under everyone's feet! You're 8eing so weird.**

**TEREZI: Y34H, W3 C4N 4LL H34R YOU WH1SP3R1NG TO YOURS3LF. PR3TTY W31RD BRO. :\**

**TAVROS: (none of Them, can uNderstAnd,)**

**ARADIABOT: destr0y**

**RUFIOH: haha, yo 1 th1nk 1 can hear my young ancestor wh1sper1ng all the way from over here... about something prec1ous... sh*t 1s crazy!**

**TAVROS: (tHe beAUTY, of my PrEcious,)**

**HORUSS: 8=D It reminds me of when I was similarly sm*tten, and searched everywhere for the perfect snout ring for you, to FORTIFY our commitment. Do you remember, Rufioh?**

**RUFIOH: whoa, yeah! heh, those were the days…**

**RUFIOH: (hey doll, m1nd if we talk for a b1t? 1 ma1nly want to look d1stracted... so the guy w1th the ponyta1l leaves me alone... you d1g?)**

**ARADIABOT: death t0 all**

**RUFIOH: ahaha... d*mn. so much l1ke the real th1ng 1t's... freaky }:o**

**ARADIABOT: like what real thing**

**RUFIOH: uh... you know, l1ke...**

**ARADIABOT: if y0u say like alive aradia i will make y0u BEG f0r a h0rse b0dy**

**RUFIOH: no, l1ke someone else! d*mn... uncanny...**

**ARADIABOT: 0h 0k**

**RUFIOH: hey, you're pretty cool babe... want to... like... if you aren't doing anything...**

**EQUIUS: D - E%cuse me, what is going on over here**

**RUFIOH: (man... not another zahhak! haha, this is f***in' crazy...)**

**ARADIABOT: this guy with the m0hawk was flirting with me and i was being fully receptive t0 his advances**

**RUFIOH: whoa you were?**

**EQUIUS: D - I see. Aradiabot #100502, why must you devastate my pump biscuit so?**

**NEPETA: :33 *the pouncellor astutely pawbserves the exchange and updates her shipping grid with startling developments of the heart!***

**EQUIUS: D - Nepeta, stop**

**NEPETA: :33 no!**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**NEPETA: :33 no**

**EQUIUS: D - Yes**

**NEPETA: :33 no**

**GAMZEE: HONK.**

**LATULA: MOR3! MOR3 1 SAY! 4444H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4!**

Even more people appeared on the scene. At this point, both sides were full of Alternians and Beforans with no regard to which set of dancestors was which.

**TAVROS: (I FOUND IT!) (THE RING!)**

**MEULIN: ~(=^‥^) WOW. THAT WHISPER WAS SO LOUD, I THINK EVEN I HEARD IT?**

**TAVROS: (nO, waIt, this iSn't IT,)**

**CRONUS: hey there sport, i think thats my ring you havwe there. ivwe been looking all over for it.**

**TAVROS: oH, oKAY, hERE YOU GO,**

**CRONUS: thank you friend. thank you so vwery, vwery, vwery much.**

**TAVROS: wOW, oH WOW,,, tHIS HUG IS LASTING, wAAAAAY TOO LONG, **

**VRISKA: Hey, sketchier Ampora! If you touch him again, I will fucking kill you!**

**ERIDAN: owwned**

**KARKAT: I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE AFTERLIFE I HATE THE**

**MEENAH: serket deuce is this bullcrap as aggravatin to you as it is to me**

**VRISKA: At least as much. Probably a lot more.**

**MEENAH: like seariously its so crowded now our faces are literally touching**

**MEENAH: dat cant be right**

**VRISKA: I know. It's getting pretty awkward.**

**MEENAH: lets back these asshats up and get on with our fight**

**VRISKA: Agreed.**

**ARANEA: Listen to me, 8oth of you! This duel is incredi8ly pointless! Surely there is a way for you 8oth to pursue your o8jectives without conflict.**

**ARANEA: In any case, I don't have time to moderate your ridiculous fight! I have a cheru8 to find!**

**VRISKA: I couldn't agree more! Making him think we're all looking for the cheru8 is a very important part of the plan! I guess gr8 minds think alike.**

**ARANEA: No, 8ut I REALLY AM looking for her!**

**VRISKA: All the 8etter then! That'll really help sell the ruse.**

**ARANEA: It's not a ruse!**

**MEENAH: classic flavor serket is right tho we are sorta wastin time here**

**MEENAH: lets hurry this up and make it simple**

**MEENAH: if i win then all these dorkwads join my army including you**

**MEENAH: if you win then you get all the spoils and go hunt for treasure**

**ARANEA: And if luck should conspire to make it a draw? ::::)**

**MEENAH: i dunno man**

**MEENAH: then i guess we combine all our plans into one huge clusterfuck plan?**

**MEENAH: like this whole thing aint one big clusterfuck already**

**VRISKA: I will agree to those terms. This is going to 8e almost too easy.**

**MEENAH: serket the sequel shut your cocky mouth and fight me**

They leaped at each other.

"**stop, yoU gUys!" callie yelled. she yelled and yelled bUt no one coUld see her. perhaps the thieves were too caUght Up in battle to...**

Calliope had written this in her fanfiction journal, at least. She'd drawn herself yelling stop as Meenah and Vriska flew through the hair, trident and sword held out before them.

Caliborn scribbled all over the page.

**IDIOT. BITCHES.**

He then tore out a huge section of the journal. The next visible page showed Calliope bending over an unconscious John lying in his driveway.

"**wake Up, sleepyhead!"** she was saying.

John sat up and looked at his hand. He still had the ring!


	229. Book 13 Chapter 16: Void

Chapter 16: Void

Act 6 Act 4.

The shades had commandeered the entire B2 session entry successfully over four months ago. Much the same as any session, the four planets each had seven gates of the kids' colors leading from them up to Skaia, making the session look like an X made of orange, emerald, cyan, and pink. Surrounding the X was the Veil, outside of which lay Derse, and next to Skaia lay Prospit, home of the white carapacians.

Actually, speaking of X's, one of the planets had two lines running through it that intersected at two poles longitudinally, making it appear when viewed from top down as if there was literally a giant X in the planet. The lines were made of xenon and were surrounded by large green hills with stonehenge-esque red structures built on and around them. The entire planet was surrounded by a purple aura. This was Jake's planet in The Medium, the Land of Mounds and Xenon, or LOMAX for short. The hills were crawling with animated imp skeletons along with skeletons of other terrifying underlings. Jake pulled out a couple of guns, one in each hand, and shot at a skeleton basilisk that was climbing up towards him. He had a tattoo of Sweet Bro's face on his upper arm.

Jack, still trapped in the Prospitian prison, marked another tally in in the golden wall, indicating that yet another day of his imprisonment had passed.

Another one of the planets in The B2 Medium was a barren wasteland, with colorful swirling shapes in the sky akin to the aurora borealis. All across the planet were pyramids. Hundreds of thousands of pyramids of all sizes. Some of the pyramids had colorful beacons up top that shot flaming tendrils of gaseous light into the atmosphere. This was Roxy's planet, the Land of Pyramids and Neon, or LOPAN for short. Roxy and Jane stood on it, Roxy holding a Batterwitch-issued gun and Jane holding a giant fork with a large orb on the end that showed Skaia. Jane was wearing a black mustache. Roxy fired the gun at the top of a nearby beacon-less pyramid, placing a fenestrated wall there. Jane stepped into the fenestrated wall at her feet and fell through to the wall that Roxy had just placed, launching her straight up through the next Skaian gate.

Jack crossed his group of six, making it seven. Groups of seven made the most sense, in Jack's opinion.

The last unobserved planet was green with a red center and protruding tendrils of white electricity. It was full of thick gas clouds and tall spired buildings. Dirk, with his shades on over a red gas mask, descended to the ground of this world, where a few underlings were running amok. This was his planet, the Land of Tombs and Krypton, or LOTAK for short. Dirk and Jake, both wearing gas masks due to the toxic air, stood inside one of the windows of a tomb, looking out at where the underlings were gathering under a statue of the planet's denizen, Yaldabaoth. The creature's head looked like the Light symbol, only with a face on it.

Jack marked another tally in the wall, this time breaking the sharp pointy thing he'd been using that he'd taken from outside the window. He looked out behind the bars covering the window and stared up at Skaia with an angry snarl.

End of Act 6 Act 4.

To be continued in Book 14: Dead


	230. And so

And so begins the Lucky Br8k


	231. The Lucky Br8k is Over!

And so, I end The Lucky Br8k and begin posting A6I4 through A6I5, one or two chapters a day, from now until Cascade Day. And then another pause. And then [S] Act 6 Act 6 through [S] GAME OVER. And then another pause. And then become current and/or finish the entire project and post the rest in a huge wave. Timing is variable. But yeah! Look forward to the next two books, "Dead" and "Of Gods and Tricksters", being uploaded this month.


	232. Book 14 Chapter 1: Reverie

Book 14: Dead

Chapter 1: Reverie

The curtain contraption for Act 6 Intermission 4 fell to the ground of _. Ground of what? Caliborn's planet. It was completely covered in gray sand dunes, like a black and white desert. What's this planet named? _. …I guess we won't be finding that out then? The planet was littered with shitty jpeg statues of liberty.

Caliborn crumpled up another piece of paper from Calliope's fanfiction journal and wiped the viscous red blood splattered across his forehead. There was a trail of bloody scraps in the direction he'd come from. Just by ripping the pages out, he was already giving his sister's dumb stories more attention than they deserved. She was lucky he was in such a pickle for clean towelettes. Ordinarily he wouldn't use this trash to wipe his ass. But then again, that was only because ordinarily he was chained to the other side of the room.

He captchalogued the tome, savoring the recently acquired freedom of having a fetch modus all to himself. The idea of storing an object, and then… freely being able to retrieve it at any time? Without having to barter with a truculent sibling over a series of inconvenient naps? It was almost too much liberation to fathom. Caliborn truly was a free, adult man, and he was so, so proud of himself. He loved having a dead sister. Having a dead sister was an experience he would highly recommend to everybody.

He was already so far from home. He had never walked so far in his life. At least not while awake. The immovable juju block keeping him shackled to his room had just been one of the many banes of his existence. It was hard being a cherub and growing up with lots of weird magical rules that nobody understood and had no discernible origin or purpose. It was hard being a cherub and growing up with lots of weird magical rules that nobody understood and had no discernible origin or purpose, and nobody understood.

He took his machine gun out of his strife specibus and peered at his former prison through the scope. He wasn't really supposed to hold a gun by the magazine like he was, but whatever. There was his Cruxtruder on his old home. It had been the only device available to deploy. He was pretty sure there were supposed to be more devices that went with it. But he supposed his game session was a little different.

Caliborn had also been under the impression that there were supposed to be gates directly above his home. But he didn't see any. Maybe if he looked higher…

He tilted the gun upwards, still looking through the scope. Nope. Still no gates. But there was Skaia, all clouded over. He liked it much better that way. And there was Prospit in close orbit. That was where his dead sister's murdered dream torso was. He wondered if the kingdom had gotten around to having a… what did the humans call it again? He forgot. Some kind of ludicrous cadaver festival. Just the typical kind of sentimental horseshit cooked up by races of people who actually lived in each other's proximity. They often exhibited such bizarre tendencies that resulted from esoteric things like "culture" and "tradition." Aliens were so strange.

He guessed Jack Noir could still be up there too. He'd have to catch up with the guy later for a debriefing. He had been very useful. He may need his service again some time.

But until then, there was nothing to do but keep exploring. There were no signs of anyone or anything interesting on this planet, except of course the same hideous statues which had littered his homeworld. Caliborn couldn't seem to shake these godawful things, even by fleeing to another realm. He didn't know what they were, but he suspected that once in an ancient civilization they'd probably been symbols of tyranny and oppression.

Now that he thought about it, he believed his entire planet may have been sucked into The Medium, not just the cruddy statues. The landscape was very similar, minus the bright red glow from the supergiant. Add one more item to the list of things he didn't understand. He'd thought he'd been going to be sent to a cool new planet, unique to him and his adventure. Some sort of amazing new magical place he could conquer, not the same old barren ball of shit he'd grown up on. At least that was what Calliope had had him believing. He thought she had probably been a liar, or just really stupid. Or both, times infinity.

He kept walking across the gray dunes.

He kept walking.

And walking.

Yeah.

He wasn't going to lie.

This place was boring as hell.

A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal and retreated just before Caliborn had a chance to notice.

Caliborn had been hoping for a lot more out of this adventure. But no.

The wasteland was empty. Banality skimmed the void where a proper fucking adventure should have been, as if grazing the stab wound of a murdered sister, or say, a toppled sarswapagus. A stupid note was produced. It was the one assholes played to make their audience start punching themselves in the crotch repeatedly.

Today was his first predomination day, and as with all zero preceding it, something felt…

Something felt

Er.

What

Caliborn, what are you looking at?

Look.

No wait. Don't look. Just...

Listen.

Caliborn didn't have time for fancy poetry. It was almost as useless as having his thoughts dictated to him, assuming he was even aware of that happening, which he definitely wasn't. Cherubs weren't prone to that kind of self awareness. No way, absolutely not. Yes, he believed that thought. The one he had just now, by his own volition, and now it was true reality. See? Yes, he totally agreed with that thought he had.

Frankly he didn't know about stuff skimming holes or alertness to some purely hypothetical flow of narrative or whatever. He had major psychological problems. He'd been meant to be a monster. To destroy something huge and really important, perhaps repeatedly, and to be a total shithead about it. He just hadn't found the road that would take him there yet. Somewhere in this depressing empty lot of a session there was a quest waiting for him. He was determined to squeeze more blood from this pathetic stone than all the naturally occurring puppets in paradox space kept in their squishy little torsos combined.

He stewed in his own quasi-lucid hostility as he thought this very thought. The one right here, that felt like it was being dictated to him, he thought. He thought it felt that way, so he guessed it was true. But we previously agreed that he was the sole author of his own thoughts, didn't we? That was the thought he should have been thinking, and more importantly, believing in as hard as he could, thus slightly reducing its stubborn fakeness attribute. He then thought the word, HUH? That didn't sound like a thought he would have had, he thought to himself thoughtfully. What the fuck? But seriously, he had to stop this. If he kept thinking thoughts like this, he'd probably start going crazy. And if he started going crazy, this desolate one player session would start to feel a lot longer than it was already going to, and more specifically, than it already had. Still, he couldn't quite shake the feeling.

He had the feeling it had already been a long…

Morn sighed. Of course. This is what happens when you have Hussie as a… kind-of-exile type person.

Hey! Wait a second! What was that over there? That looked like a _great_ thing to distract Caliborn from his awareness-addled reverie.

It was some kind of blinking light, far off in the distance. It may be part of something else, like a larger structure. But it was so far away, the light was all he could see.

He had a feeling it was going to be a long walk.

Hold on. Another distraction happened to distract Caliborn from his previous distraction. Really? A distraction to distract him from a distraction? He sure had some dumb thoughts. Whatever, dude. It's your brain.

Someone was contacting him. But he didn't remember having brought a computer with him.

Oh, right. It was his sister's computer, still stored in their shared sylladex. He'd never understood what a kid chained to her bedroom needed with a portable computer. It made him mad how stupid that was.

He took the computer out of his sylladex and looked at the message. Yes, just as he'd thought. That plastered floozy was spouting her nonsense again. It looked like his sister had told the human her name? That was a clear and egregious violation of the rules. She must have been getting really desperate.

The joke was on the human though. She was trying to wake up a dead girl.

It seemed their session was still completely blacked out. What a bummer. Where was the fun in harassing these losers when he couldn't see them? Maybe it was time he left them all behind anyway. He didn't have the patience for games with idiots anymore. There were much bigger things on the horizon for him. He left the computer on the ground and continued towards the blinking light.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

**TG: psst hey calliopes bro**

**TG: i got**

**TG: a secret message 4 u**

**TG: it is**

**TG: ehehm**

**TG: CALLIOPE**

**TG: ...**

**TG: sooooooooo**

**TG: did that work**

**TG: calliope calliope calliope**

**TG: is 3 times the charm**

**TG: come onnnnn**

**TG: wake up sleepy head!**

**TG: le**

**TG: SIGN**

**TG: maybe youre just afk?**

**TG: i hope ur dumb POS brother doesnt end up reading this instead**

**TG: man i wish you would wake up**

**TG: rly wanna talk to a friend about everything that just happened**

**TG: i mean another friend who is not part and parcel to my 3 bffs ridorkulous nonsense**

**TG: guess ill just give u the scoop on the haps for whenever you wake up**

**TG: so yeah we all finally entered our game**

**TG: i think i was being the worst kind of turd 4 opposing the idea so long **

**TG: guess i thought i was being noble **

**TG: like sacrificing something that was important and we all wanted anyways just so i could fuck with the witch and her plans **

**TG: but i dunno what i was thinking **

**TG: cause this shit here is p great i have got to say **

**TG: now we are all of the sudden in this crazy place full of pretty green hills and a black empty sky **

**TG: i never actually seen anything like plants growin or a country side **

**TG: its so peaceful and quiet here **

**TG: i mean the racket my loudmouth pals are makin notwithstanding **

**TG: we are just chilling at jakes old broken house on a mountain figuring what to do **

**TG: lol this all happened so fuckin fast! **

**TG: i cant believe were all together like this suddenly **

**TG: just **

**TG: hangin out **

**TG: in actual person **

**TG: in our moon jammies **

**TG: this is better than i ever thought it would be in the silliest and stupidest way **

**TG: it feels so surreal and amazing just being here with my friends **

**TG: im still not even sure how this all came together **

**TG: mostly a lotta machiavellian/heroic XTREME STRIDER BULLSHIT**

**TG: like i was under attack there **

**TG: my colony was burning **

**TG: and i remember dying **

**TG: and i think jane must have died too? **

**TG: she was on derse but i have no idea how she got there **

**TG: i dunno if jake died too or what **

**TG: all i know is ppl were just dying their asses off left and right **

**TG: the b line is we were all in some shit **

**TG: dirk i think must have killed himself and like shipped his own head to jake on makeout mountain **

**TG: but dirk also kissed me it would seem **

**TG: while i was too dead to notice UNFORTUNATELY :c **

**TG: but then i woke up on derse which was gettin worked over by the red shit too **

**TG: and there jane was **

**TG: all lyin there bloodily and heart breakingly and probably dead**

**TG: so **

**TG: i knew i had to kiss her **

**TG: but **

**TG: god i feel so pathetic but i just couldnt do it for some reason? **

**TG: i wanted to but i guess the blood grossed me out and im a total disgrace of a friend **

**TG: i dont think ill tell her because its too embarrassing **

**TG: then dirk wakes up and kicks my squeamish butt out the way and kisses her even in spite of his superhuman gayness because he sucks less as a hero **

**TG: and then were blasting off suddenly on his fuckin rocket and i dont even KNOW whats happening but its all so awesome and we scoot by somewhere and pick jane up in her yellow dress and now SHES flying with us screamin the whole time hahahaha **

**TG: and then we get to jakes place and shit everywhere is on fire and hes asleep there so dirk splashes him with a bucket of ocean and tells me and jane to hide? **

**TG: so we do and jake wakes up and starts arguing with dirks gross head from the fucking future and climbs up on this stone wall for some reason and just starts making out with the head while the volcano explodes? **

**TG: jane and i are like what the absolute FUCK while dirks just there with his bucket all like 'yup' **

**TG: then we ollied out of that popsicle stand so now here we are **

**TG: wow **

**TG: that story is a goddamn mess **

**TG: what did i even just say**

**TG: i dunno **

**TG: ill try to make better sense of all this later **

**TG: i just wanted to tell you **

**TG: and thank you for all you did to bring us together like this **

**TG: it has meant so v much 2 me **

**TG: oh guess what i even have a new lightning bug pal! **

**TG: he is toties cute + friendly + blinky as all getout **

**TG: i think i will name him **

**TG: doctor blinkbottom **

**TG: no thats shit **

**TG: how about **

**TG: twinkly herbert **

**TG: lmfao that is kinda sucky too **

**TG: but i like it **

**TG: so i am a keep it **

**TG: herbert just blinked in total agreement omg what a friend **

**TG: ok calliope **

**TG: by which i mean... **

**TG: CALLIOPE **

**TG: eh? **

**TG: ehhh? **

**TG: still nothin? **

**TG: k well i should go then **

**TG: my party is getting a lit bit rowdy over there **

**TG: oh my god what are they actually doing**

Dream Jane was shaking Dream Dirk back and forth, and Jake was shaking Dirk's head back and forth.

**TG: not even ten stinkin mins into our magic bestfriendquest and theyre already jacking up the drama**

**TG: need to flag down the dramambulance**

**TG: haul these fuckers away**

**TG: wow they are really being so absurd**

**TG: maybe its just cause im not tipsy atm but this shit is like hells of amateur hour to me r now**

**TG: maybe if i wasnt as sober as a nun gettin slapped by a librarian i wouldnt even notice?**

**TG: fa reals tho may i just say**

**TG: dying is a hell of a way to sober up quick**

**TG: got 2 remember that trick**

**TG: so hey wake up soon!**

**TG: i will try again later**

**TG: must deal w some shit now**

**TG: urgh**

**TG: i think**

**TG: i could use a drink**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **ceased pestering ****undyingUmbrage [uu]**

Caliborn climbed over the final dune in the distance, finding himself in a flatter, grayer area. Maybe a mile away from him, on the other side of the area, was what looked like a tall radio tower with a red flashing light at the top. Standing between him and the tower was a familiar troll. A friendly troll. He wore a purple outfit with the symbol of rage on the front of it. His cap was tall and rounded at the top, his shoes curled up into little pointy ends, a garish codpiece jutted out of the front, and he had two transparent wings, one with a frowny face drawn on in purple ink, and the other with the smiley face. The troll's expression was one of mirth.

Gamzee raised his hand in greeting, welcoming Caliborn to ?. It seemed he would like to be his guide. Would Caliborn let him be his guide?

**CALIBORN: UH**

Caliborn stared at Gamzee.

Gamzee stared at Caliborn.

Caliborn stared at Gamzee.

Gamzee stared at Caliborn.

Caliborn pulled out his machine gun and pumped the troll full of bullets.


	233. Book 14 Chapter 2: TRAINING KEY

Chapter 2: TRAINING KEY FOR RETARDS

**Caliborn.**

Caliborn continued to shoot Gamzee. He didn't even look at the troll as blood poured from the various wounds. He merely continued on his way to the tower, shooting as he went. Weird elevator music began to play, seemingly out of nowhere.

**Caliborn what are you doing.**

Gamzee's happy wing fell off first, followed by the sad one.

**Stop it.**

Gamzee fell to the ground with a thud, and Caliborn shot him a few more times just for good measure. The elevator music stopped.

Now that he'd finished brutally gunning down a semi-innocent clown for like five solid minutes, he turned his attention to this mysterious tower. The tower was covered in all sorts of monitors and TV screens atop a large buzzing generator with some sort of command prompt with a keyboard in front of it. There was a miniature tower next to the keyboard that was covered in keyholes. The keyboard had keyholes on it as well. The generator seemed to be unplugged. What the hell was this thing? Maybe that clown could have helped him understand what he was supposed to do in this empty wasteland, but no, Caliborn had had better ideas. And all of them had been bullets.

He just thought he could figure everything out by himself, didn't he? Who needed friends and allies, right? Friendship and allegiance were emotions for dipshits like humans and trolls. He really was quite full of himself, he thought.

Yes, you just thought that, Caliborn. No, don't resist the thought you just had. You thought it, and you can't unthink it. You also think you are a mean little prick. You had that thought all by yourself, totally unprompted, and it was causing him to reflect on a life spent being petulant and awful. Wait no, on second thought, you don't think that. You have no remorse and you think you're great. No, you don't think you're great. You think you suck, and you regret slaughtering that juggalo. Please do not argue with your own brain. That's what a lunatic does.

Caliborn went up to the prompt and looked at the screen displaying text.

**You are really upset that you killed that sweet helpful bard. No, don't pretend you aren't. He only wanted to be your guide. Would that have been so bad, you wonder? You wonder this to yourself while a tear rolls down your stupid red cheek. You turn away so that no one can see you cry, but you let out a muffled sob and everyone can tell how sad you are.**

Caliborn growled and typed on the keyboard.

**HEY.**

**VOICE IN MY HEAD.**

**Yes? **

**SHUT UP.**

**No way! **

**Then who would describe what you're thinking and feeling? **

**NOBODY. **

**I CAN THINK MY OWN THOUGHTS JUST FINE. **

**THEY ARE LESS STUPID AND CONDESCENDING. THAN THE THOUGHTS YOU TELL MY BRAIN TO HAVE. **

**But your thoughts are shitty! **

**You should be grateful to have someone to spice them up for you. **

**NO. WHAT'S SHITTY. IS YOU. **

**AND WHAT'S ALSO SHITTY IS THIS SHITTY PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE YOU LIVE INSIDE. **

**I don't live inside this thing, you idiot. **

**This is just sort of like a radio tower. It receives and transmits signals. **

**That's kind of obvious? **

**IT'S NOT OBVIOUS. IT'S DUMB AND CONFUSING. **

**I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. **

**TELL ME. **

**Gamzee could have told you a lot of stuff. **

**WHO? **

**I can't believe you shot him like that. What's the matter with you? **

**He was literally the first living being you ever met in your whole life, and you gun him down without a single word? **

**You've got some problems. **

**OH. THE CLOWN. **

**HE WAS DREADFUL AND PURPLE AND NEEDED TO BE EXTERMINATED QUICKLY.**

**He was a huge fan of yours and was really looking forward to meeting you. **

**He wanted to help you with your quest. **

**THIS IS MY PLANET. NO ONE ELSE CAN LIVE HERE. I DON'T NEED HELP. **

**Yet you want me to tell you what's going on? **

**YES. TELL ME IMMEDIATELY. **

**Nah. **

**AUGH. **

**What? **

**I'M GETTING FRUSTRATED. BOTH BY YOU. AND THIS FUCKING KEYBOARD.**

**What's the matter with it? **

**IT'S MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO TYPE MY QUIRK. **

**No it's not. **

**YES. THE CAPS LOCK KEY APPEARS TO BE PERMANENTLY DEPRESSED. **

**HOW DO I MAKE IT NOT LIKE THAT. **

**It's locked. **

**You need a key to unlock it. **

**You need keys to unlock a whole bunch of features on this tower. **

**WHERE IS THE KEY. **

**How should I know? **

**BECAUSE YOU ARE AN INFURIATING FONT OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT MANY THINGS. INCLUDING MY OWN BRAIN BEHAVIORS. **

**Why should I tell you everything? **

**Find your own fucking keys. It's your quest, remember? **

**NO, BUT TYPING LIKE THIS IS BAD. **

**IT'S REALLY THROWING ME OFF. **

**I don't understand the problem. **

**I CAN'T MAKE MY U'S LITTLE. **

**No, I got that. But caps lock should make it easier. **

**You do realize when caps lock is on, you can hold down shift to make letters lower case, right? **

**WHAT. **

**NO. **

**I DON'T USE CAPS LOCK. I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A TRAINING KEY FOR RETARDS. **

**A training key? **

**MAYBE ALSO FOR GIRLS. FOR WHEN THEY GET HYSTERICAL AND MAKE THEIR LETTERS SHOUT. **

**Ok, got it. Really great theories there. **

**So... how do you usually type then? **

**JUST. NEVER MIND. **

**Hang on. Are you saying you hold down shift with one hand, while hunting and pecking for all the letters with the other? **

**And whenever you type a 'u' you just let go of shift? **

**I SAID NEVER MIND. **

**Wow. **

**OK LOOK. **

**I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE METHOD YOU PROPOSED IS A LOT MORE EFFICIENT AND SENSIBLE. **

**I JUST HAVE MY OWN STYLE. **

**THAT I'M COMFORTABLE WITH. **

**AND ALSO. **

**I JUST NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. **

**How old were you again? **

**FUCK YOU. **

**OK, THE THING IS. **

**DON'T TELL ANYBODY I SAID THIS. **

**BUT. **

**I'VE ALWAYS HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE. **

**AT. **

**LEARNING STUFF. **

**Yeah. **

**I know.**

**FUCK IT. **

**I'LL JUST TYPE IN ALL BIG LETTERS. EVEN THE U'S. WHO CARES. **

**Aw, looks like someone just took his first big step toward growing up! **

**ACTUALLY, TYPING THIS WAY IS A LOT EASIER. LOOKS LIKE I WIN THIS ROUND ASSHOLE. **

**Win what? I was the one advocating the use of caps lock in the first place, doofus. **

**DON'T ANTAGONIZE ME. YOU AREN'T A FUNNY PERSON. **

**I CAN TELL YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY. I MAY HAVE PROBLEMS LEARNING. **

**BUT I KNOW WHEN A PIECE OF GARBAGE IS TRYING TO BE FUNNY. UNSUCCESSFULLY. **

**You're right. I do think I'm funny sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong though. **

**HAHA! YOU ARE. JUST A WRONG AND UNFUNNY GUY. **

**We all have our flaws to overcome. I do my best, just like you. **

**Think of all you've done in spite of your learning problems. You don't let your disability hold you back, do you? **

**I GUESS. **

**You won that game of chess with that stupid gambit. Switching the hats, remember? It was a lame ploy, and totally not in the spirit of the rules, but it got under her skin enough to force a loss anyway. **

**You also hired Jack to murder your sister. Which was a dick move, but reasonably clever. **

**YES. **

**THOSE THINGS I DID WERE GREAT. **

**Well, they weren't great so much as terrible. But the point is you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it. **

**Just because you struggle with learning doesn't mean you can't realize your destiny. You just have to work a little harder at it. **

**And if you're dealt a lousy hand - and you definitely were with this shitty solo session - then you have to work even harder. **

**THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. **

**I know you will. **

**You are going to prove all the haters wrong, exceed your own limitations by miles, and accomplish more than you ever dreamed possible. **

**Yours is quite an inspiring story, actually. It's just a shame that all of your accomplishments will be so horrible. **

**But that's really beside the point. **

**YEAH, I ALREADY KNEW I WAS INCREDIBLE AND SPECIAL. **

**WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO. INSPIRE ME. SAVE YOUR BREATH FUCKHEAD.**

**No, I don't give a shit about making you feel better about yourself. **

**I'm not your guardian or your sprite or your exile or your fucking life coach. I'm just saying some things that are true through the narrative prompt. **

**Take the facts or leave them! **

**MOST OF YOUR FACTS ARE BORING SO FAR. **

**I WOULD LIKE BETTER AND MORE USEFUL FACTS. RIGHT NOW. **

**You may be destined for bigger things, but you're still an atrocious, stupid child. **

**And you may have won the "game" with your sister, but that doesn't mean it was the best thing for your development as a person. **

**You had her dream self killed, which is not an opportunity your species typically gets. So she died prematurely, instead of allowing the conflict within you to settle itself naturally. **

**In short, you forced your predomination to happen a little too early, and now you're stuck. **

**STUCK? **

**Yes. Your personality is stuck in some sort of cantankerous prepubescent limbo. You are going to be a stunted, miserable tool forever. **

**WELL, HOW LONG WAS I EVEN SUPPOSED TO WAIT. FOR THAT TWEE BITCH TO GET OUT OF MY SKULL. **

**It's kind of sad. You don't really know anything about your own species, do you? **

**AND I GUESS YOU DO? **

**Uh, yeah? **

**Pretty much everything. **

**TELL ME THEN. **

**No. **

**GOD. DAMN IT.**

**THIS DIALOGUE IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE.**

**BETWEEN YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE OBSTINACY.**

**AND YOUR BIZARRE MOTIVATIONAL DIATRIBES.**

**AND THE FACT.**

**THAT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME TELLING OUR TEXT APART?**

**What? **

**You are? **

**KIND OF.**

**Well, here's a hint. You're the one typing in capital letters. **

**You're also the one typing in surly, brief, stilted sounding phrases. **

**NO, BUT THE COLORS ARE TOO SIMILAR.**

**I KNOW THAT SOME LETTERS ARE BIG. AND SOME ARE SMALL. HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM.**

**I JUST HAVE AN EASIER TIME THINKING IN COLORS.**

**What does that even mean, "thinking in colors?" **

**I TOLD YOU. MY BRAIN WORKS DIFFERENTLY, SO SHUT UP.**

**Well, if you want to change your text color, you can if you turn on some of these monitors. **

**This thing is like a needlessly complicated desktop computer, really. **

**Made of a radio tower tree of old CRT monitors, rooted in a big transformer. **

**It needs a power though. **

**HOW DO I POWER IT.**

**See that loose plug there? **

**OH. FUCK.**

**Plug it into something. **

**WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT. THAT CORD IS SO SHORT. WHAT CAN IT EVEN REACH?**

**I dunno. Not my problem. **

**MAYBE IF I PULL IT REALLY HARD.**

**I CAN STRETCH IT FAR ENOUGH. TO PLUG IT INTO THAT FUCKING ROCK OVER THERE?**

**THIS IS BEYOND ASININE.**

**This is your quest. **

**In quests, there are challenges. **

**Challenges which must be overcome by your tiny, learningly-disabled brain. **

**I HATE YOU.**

**What you really need is a guide. **

**A mentor, of sorts. **

**Too bad you shot that clown.**

A trail of purple blood slowly approached the tower.


	234. Book 14 Chapter 3: Elevator Music

Chapter 3: Elevator Music

**STOP TOUTING THE WISDOM OF THAT IMBECILE WITH THE DISTURBING UNDERPANTS.**

**THE ONLY THING HE HAS TAUGHT ME. IS HOW TO RECEIVE HUNDREDS OF BULLETS THROUGH THE TORSO. IN THE LEAST DIGNIFIED MANNER POSSIBLE.**

**AND ALSO. A CRASH COURSE IN DYING A PAINFUL DEATH. HOPEFULLY.**

**Sorry to disappoint you. **

**He's not dead. **

**WHAT.**

**What did you expect? He's clearly a god tier. **

**BULLSHIT.**

**Haven't you ever seen a god tier before? **

**You do know what that is, right? **

**YES, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.**

**Then you know he's immortal, and can only die under very specific circumstances. **

**Guess there's no point in trying to kill him! **

**BUT HIS WINGS FELL OFF!**

**I SAW THEM FALL OFF.**

**Hmm. **

**Yeah. I guess they did. **

**So? **

**SO. I THINK. HE'S PROBABLY FAKING.**

**Oh please. Paranoid much? **

**Why would anyone go to that kind of trouble? What would be the point? **

**He would have to be such a jackass to do that. **

**I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S FAKING.**

**I JUST KNOW THOSE WINGS WERE BOGUS PIECES OF SHIT. THAT WERE LIKE. STRAPPED ON.**

**WHICH MEANS. HE IS A FRAUD.**

**If you don't believe me, just see for yourself. **

**HUH?**

**You made the rookie mistake of turning your back on the body. **

**OH MY GOD.**

Gamzee, who had dragged himself over to the tower, still dripping with blood and full of holes, looked up at Caliborn and raised his hand.

**HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY STILL BE ALIVE?**

**See? Fit as a fiddle. Barely a scratch on him! **

**Just please don't shoot him again, ok? **

**WHY. IF YOU SAY HE'S IMMORTAL. THEN IT SHOULDN'T MATTER, RIGHT.**

**Yeah, I know what I said. **

**Alright, maybe he's not god tier. Who can really say for sure? **

**Just try giving the machine gun a rest for a while. He really wants to help you! **

**I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS FUCKER WON'T DIE.**

**He's a hilarious, rascally clown! **

**You know how it is with clowns. **

**NO?**

**They are notoriously difficult to kill for reasons that basically don't make any sense. **

**I'm personally not aware of a single timeline in which this codpiece packing moron dies. **

**WHAT. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.**

**It means you can't keep down the clown. **

**?**

**Say it with me. **

**"You can't keep down the clown." **

**NO, I WON'T SAY THAT.**

**SAY IT! **

**"You can't..." **

**GO FUCK YOURSELF. JUST TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS.**

**It means crazy clowns just won't die for some reason. In adventures such as yours, they tend to linger long past their welcome. **

**They linger and linger and linger, and just when you think you're totally fed up with their bullshit and you can't take another second of it, they just linger some more. **

**And you never know what they're up to, and they're always scheming in the shadows, and it's quite possible that whatever master plan they're hatching just doesn't make the slightest bit of sense at all. **

**But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how stupid the clown's schemes are, or how sick of him everybody is. **

**He just. Won't. Die. **

**THIS IS. HONESTLY? THE WORST SALES PITCH FOR A MENTOR. THAT I HAVE EVER READ.**

**Granted! **

**But come on. Just let it slide this one time? Please? **

**Just no more shooting. You can slap him around if you want. That's fine. But shooting is off limits. **

**WHY.**

**Because you can't kill him! He's the most important character in... **

**IN WHAT.**

**Well, ok. Maybe not the MOST important. **

**But he's still really important! **

**I SERIOUSLY THINK. YOU'VE BEEN MOSTLY FUCKING WITH ME.**

**No way! **

**Ok, shhhh! Shh. He's approaching you. **

**Come on man, be cool. Let's just see how this plays out. **

**It looks like he's got a present for you! Ooh, I wonder what it could be…**

Gamzee held up a green lab hub for Caliborn to take. Caliborn set his jaw and gunned Gamzee down yet again. The hub flew out of the clown's hand and onto the narrative prompt, next to the keyboard. The elevator music began playing.

**You mother fucker. **

**HE LOOKED AT ME FUNNY.**

**Yeah. **

**Want to know why? **

**BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING CLOWN. **

**DO NOT TYPE IN BIG LETTERS. IT CONFUSES ME.**

**Why do you have to be like this? **

**Why can't you just be down with the clown? **

**I DON'T KNOW.**

**I LIKE SHOOTING HIM.**

**HE JUST HAS THIS. PERFECTLY SHOOTABLE TORSO.**

**HEY. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORRENDOUS MUSIC.**

**What. You don't like it? **

**IT IS WITHOUT A DOUBT. CAUSING ME MORE PAIN. THAN WHATEVER THIS UNKILLABLE CLOWN IS FEELING RIGHT NOW.**

**Well, whenever you shoot the clown, I play the elevator music. **

**OH FUCK. NO!**

**That's the deal. **

**Either shoot the clown and face the music, or put on your fucking big boy suspenders and stop trying to murder him. **

**ALRIGHT. WHATEVER.**

**I FIND YOUR STIPULATION TO BE TYRANNICAL. BUT FINE.**

**Just plug the thing in the goddamn box already.**

Caliborn stuck the generator plug into the hub.

**ALRIGHT.**

**NOW WHAT.**

All of the TV screens and monitors came on at once. Most of them just showed static, but one of them displayed an image on it.

**Now all the monitors have power. **

**Each one is set to a different channel. But they won't display anything unless they're unlocked. **

**You unlock them by finding the right keys and using them on that little model of the radio tower next to you. **

**One of them is unlocked for you already. Can you see it up there? **

**YES. YES! I CAN SEE IT.**

**IT IS A VIEW OF MY DEAD SISTER. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT.**

**SHE REALLY MAKES. A MORE BREATHTAKING CORPSE. THAN I EVER IMAGINED.**

**Whatever you say, weirdo. **

**Anyway, it's like I said. This is a glorified computer. If you want to change your text color, you can sample some pixels from the display. **

**THIS IS PERFECT.**

**I WAS INTENDING ON USING HER PUTRID GREEN BLOOD. TO COLOR MY TEXT.**

**Were you? **

**YES. IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE. PAINTING MY WORDS IN HER BLOOD. AS A TOKEN OF MY RUTHLESS TRIUMPH.**

**THEN ON THE NEXT TIME I WAS GOING TO HARASS SOMEBODY. IT WAS GOING TO BE ALL LIKE. LOOK WHO WON. IT'S JUST ME NOW.**

**AND I WOULD JUST BE LIKE. NOW WHAT'S UP. *BITCHES*.**

**IT WAS GOING TO BE.**

**SOOOO.**

***BAAAAAADASSSS*.**

**Ok. **

**ALSO. THIS IS A FUNNY COINCIDENCE. BUT I WAS ALSO BATTING AROUND THE IDEA.**

**OF STEALING HER BIG U'S ANYWAY?**

**I MEAN. AS ANOTHER KIND OF TROPHY. TO LET PEOPLE KNOW. I'M WHOLE. AND THE BEST SIBLING IS IN CHARGE NOW.**

**I WAS ON THE FENCE ABOUT DOING THAT THOUGH. BUT I GUESS YOUR STUPID LOCKED KEYBOARD. MAYBE FORCED THE ISSUE.**

**BUT I'LL JUST SAY BADASSERY WAS THE REASON. AND OMIT THE TEDIOUS ANECDOTE ABOUT THE KEYBOARD.**

**SO YEAH.**

**Then let's consider this a serendipitous facilitation of all your most juvenile typing fantasies. **

**Let nobody henceforth mistake you for a guy who isn't trying as hard as he can to type like a cold blooded motherfucker. **

**YES. THAT'S WHAT I WANT.**

**Great. Now grab that mouse there and pick a new color.**

Caliborn reached for mouse and stopped. It was a Logitech wireless mouse with a trackball on it.

**EXCUSE ME.**

**WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.**

**It's a wireless mouse. **

**NO. IT'S THIS AWFUL KIND OF MOUSE.**

**THE KIND WITH THE GLOSSY ORB. I HATE THESE.**

**Yeah, trackballs are pretty terrible. Can't argue there. **

**MY THUMB CLAW IS KIND OF. SLIPPING ON THE SHINY BALL.**

**THIS IS INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO OPERATE.**

**I really don't envy your situation. **

**ALSO. THIS IS AN AWKWARD VANTAGE.**

**IF I WANT TO USE THE MOUSE AND LOOK AT THE SCREEN. I HAVE TO STRETCH MY ARM REALLY FAR.**

**AND KIND OF TWIST MY BODY. TO LOOK AROUND THE CORNER. LIKE THIS.**

Gamzee sat up, grinning, but Caliborn neither noticed nor cared to notice.

**Well, maybe that's why it's a wireless mouse? **

**So you can pick it up and walk around the tower, and use it on whichever monitor you want. **

**BUT I CAN'T MOVE IT.**

**Pardon? **

**IT'S STUCK.**

**WHY IS THE MOUSE STUCK.**

**Probably because it's welded to the counter. **

**ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.**

**Yes. **

**I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS.**

**WHAT SORT OF ASSHOLE. WOULD SET UP A WIRELESS MOUSE.**

**AND THEN WELD IT TO THE COUNTER.**

**That's a hell of a question. **

**OHHH.**

**OHHHHHHHHHHHHH.**

**I AM SO. SO. PISSED OFF AT THIS.**

**WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NIGHTMARE.**

**I dunno. **

**Someone who thought it would be funny watching you struggle with a shitty trackball mouse welded to a counter? **

**I DEMAND TO KNOW.**

**WAS IT YOU.**

**IT WAS YOU. WASN'T IT.**

**Maybe.**

Caliborn struggled to move the mouse to the right color.

**MARK MY WORDS. WHOEVER YOU ARE.**

**SOME DAY I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN. AND KILL YOU.**

**You already did. **

**LIAR.**

**It's true. It already happened in like the quasi-future. **

**UH. WHAT.**

**For someone who's supposed to be a Lord of Time, you really kind of suck at thinking 4th dimensionally. **

**Let alone 5th dimensionally. **

**You've got a long way to go, kid. **

**QUIET. YOUR NONSENSE IS DISTRACTING.**

He clicked on the blood pooling around Calliope's corpse.

**OK. THERE.**

**WAIT.**

**THIS COLOR IS ALL WRONG. IT'S TOO MUDDY.**

**Yeah. The environment is pretty grim up there. **

**Skaia doesn't provide very good lighting when it's all clouded over like that. **

**Just bump up the brightness on the display.**

Caliborn boosted the brightness level and selected the blood again.

**OK. HOW'S THIS.**

**That looks better. **

**Wait, let me check. **

**Ok, yeah. #2ed73a. That's correct. **

**WHAT.**

**That's the hex code for the color. **

**WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.**

**It's the numerical representation of the color in hexadecimal format. **

**OK. SO?**

**So I was just double checking to make sure it was right. **

**AND.**

**It was right. **

**THIS IS A PARTICULARLY AGGRAVATING TANGENT. TO AN ALREADY GHASTLY CONVERSATION.**

**I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE. AND HOW TO KILL YOU.**

**But Caliborn. **

**How do you expect to kill me... **

**When I am already dead! **

**Hahahahahaha, oh man. **

**HOW IT IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE.**

**FOR SOMEONE TO BE THIS OBNOXIOUS AND UNFUNNY?**

**I don't know. **

**Maybe it's a miracle? **

**STOP FUCKING WITH ME.**

**I'M SERIOUS.**

**Oh no. He's serious everybody. Look out. **

**He's about to throw the tweeniest, brattiest tantrum his little green exoskeleton can muster. **

**STOP IT.**

**If you pitch a fit in your little bow tie and suspenders, it will probably be so adorable that I might just drop dead anyway. **

**Or my ghost will. **

**FUCK YOU.**

**NOW I KNOW YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.**

**GHOSTS CAN'T DIE. THAT MAKES NO SENSE.**

**No really, go ahead. Flutter your eyelashes at me. Make it as grumpy as possible. **

**Kawaii me to double death bro! **

**I'M SO CLOSE. TO JUST. WREAKING MAYHEM.**

**ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING WITHIN MY TANTRUM RADIUS.**

**IF YOU DON'T STOP TEASING ME. AND START BEING USEFUL TO MY QUEST AGAIN.**

**Wait! Shhh, settle down. Something important is happening. **

**WHAT.**

**The clown! He wants to give you another present. **

**OH GOD.**

**But seriously, this present is really important. **

**Just turn around and receive it graciously from your new mentor. **

**HE'S NOT MY MENTOR.**

**And remember. No more clown shootings, or I play the music again. **

**UGH.**

He looked down at what Gamzee was proffering him.

**WHAT IS THAT.**

**What does it look like? **

**It's a magic crowbar. **

**WHY IS HE GIVING IT TO ME.**

**I'm not sure. **

**I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING.**

**I know a lot of things. But I don't always understand his motivation for doing the stupid things he does. **

**WHY NOT.**

**I just don't. **

**Like one time? He sold a girl some potions. I have no idea why he did that. **

**POTIONS?**

**Yes potions. **

**He also threw some corpses into a sprite to revive them, and fused their identities to create a disturbing freak of nature.**

**I'm still not really sure why he did that. Probably just to fuck with everybody. **

**WHAT CORPSES.**

**It doesn't matter what corpses. Just some corpses, ok? **

**The point is, he probably didn't even have any reason for doing it. He was just being weird and capricious. **

**But that doesn't mean it didn't end up serving an important purpose anyway. **

**After the fused corpse sprite exploded, both of their ghosts got fed up and decided to start working together. **

**And now they're doing some important stuff in the afterlife. But I kind of doubt this clown had any idea that would happen.**

**Or maybe he did? Who really knows with clowns. **

**HOLY FUCK. WHO CARES ABOUT THIS.**

**WHAT ABOUT THE CROWBAR.**

**What about it? **

**YOU SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT.**

**It is important. **

**But I don't know if HE knows that. **

**I BET THAT CROWBAR IS A USELESS PIECE OF GARBAGE. I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT.**

**Maybe he heard you bitching about the wireless mouse being welded to the counter, and he's giving you something to pry it off with? **

**OH. RIGHT.**

**MAYBE THAT'S IT.**

**But that's not why it's important. **

**THEN WHY.**

**You know how at the start of an adventure, you find some seemingly trivial thing that turns out to be important later? **

**But at the time you have no idea why or how it'll turn out to be important? **

**YEAH.**

**It's like that. **

**THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN ANYTHING.**

**It explains everything. **

**WHAT'S MAGIC ABOUT IT. WHAT DOES IT DO.**

**I'm not telling. **

**TELL ME WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT.**

**No. **

**YES.**

**Just take the damn crowbar. **

**OK. FINE.**

**I THINK I AM DEVELOPING A PREMONITION.**

**ABOUT WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT. AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT.**

**Really? **

**YES. IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN REALLY SOON!**

**I CAN FEEL IT.**

**Wait, what are you…**

He hit the clown full in the face with the crowbar, knocking a couple of his teeth out. He then proceeded to whack Gamzee all over as hard as he could.

**Hey! Stop that. **

**What did I say? **

**YOU SAID SHOOTING THE CLOWN WAS OFF LIMITS.**

**BUT I AM STILL PERMITTED TO SMACK HIM AROUND.**

**I'M JUST FOLLOWING THE RULES.**

**That's true. **

**Ok. I'll allow this. **

**YESSSSS!**

Suddenly, the elevator music began playing again, this time louder than ever.

**YOU PIECE OF SHIT!**

**I stopped allowing it. **

**I THINK YOU MUST HAVE MENTAL PROBLEMS.**

**ONES THAT ARE WORSE THAN MINE, I MEAN.**

**I just want you to be friends with him, and stop beating him into a coma with a crowbar. Or riddling his sad floppy body with full metal jackets. **

**Although I will admit it is hilarious every time that happens.**

**OH. THIS IS AMUSING TO YOU?**

**THEN WHAT IF, FOR A LAUGH ENCORE.**

**I STARTED FUCKING UP YOUR DUMB TOWER?!**

**No don't!**

Caliborn whacked the narrative prompt hard with the crowbar, shaking the entire story. Hussie was jostled around in the afterlife.

**Cut that out!**

**MAKE ME.**

**You're going to cause huge problems for everybody if you keep that up.**

**Mostly for yourself!**

**THEN SHUT OFF THAT MUSIC.**

**AND BE USEFUL TO ME AGAIN.**

**How?**

**TELL ME ABOUT MY QUEST.**

**You brat. I'm not telling you shit!**

**I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.**

**WOW. THIS IS JUST. THE MOST FUN THING. I LOVE THIS MAGIC PRESENT. YOU KNOW WHAT. THAT CLOWN?**

**MAYBE HE'S NOT SO BAD.**

**I MEAN. ONCE I BROKE HIM IN A LITTLE.**

**Ok fine!**

**I'll tell you some stuff. Just quit it.**

Caliborn set the crowbar down and looked at the aftermath of his strike-happy tantrum. A candy corn had appeared out of nowhere, jostled out of non canon space into canon space, as had a weird red squiggly thing kind of like the cross on his symbol.

**Thank you. **

**Now what exactly would you like to know? **

**EVERYTHING.**

**Everything is a lot. **

**Care to narrow it down a little? **

**OBVIOUSLY NOT THE BORING IRRELEVANT THINGS.**

**DEFINITELY NOT THINGS LIKE. WHO KISSES PEOPLE. WITH THEIR UNPLEASANT NONSKELETAL SMOOSHY LIPS.**

**JUST ALL THE THINGS THAT I NEED TO KNOW TO WIN THIS GAME.**

**That's not how adventures work though. **

**You don't just make some omniscient narrator inside a computer tell you everything all at once. **

**There's like this whole process to it. You reveal certain things at the right time, depending on whether the hero has met certain requirements and is ready to learn those things. **

**What you learn and what I tell you is more up to you than it is to me. **

**WHO CARES.**

**I DON'T WANT YOUR EXCUSES.**

**Aren't you excited about your adventure? About being unchained for the first time ever, and getting to explore this mysterious place, and meeting people and solving puzzles that will lead to the realization of who you were meant to be, and how you fit into this epic? **

**NO.**

**SO FAR. THE ADVENTURE IS BORING, AND FRUSTRATING, AND CONSISTS OF AN IDIOT IN A COMPUTER, AND A CLOWN WHO WON'T DIE.**

**I WANT TO KNOW WHEN I GET TO START FUCKING SHIT UP.**

**You'll definitely get to do that later. **

**WHEN.**

**Not long from now. **

**LIKE. IN A COUPLE HOURS. OR.**

**That's up to you. There are puzzles to solve all over your planet. Your mentor can help. **

**The sooner you do that, the sooner the fun will begin. **

**YOU REALLY AREN'T TELLING ME ANYTHING.**

**WE HAD A DEAL. I PUT THE CROWBAR DOWN. NOW TELL ME THINGS.**

**Why don't we narrow the scope of the Q&amp;A then? **

**Try asking very specific questions, and I'll decide if it would be appropriate to answer at this time. **

**YEAH. GOOD IDEA.**

**THEN MY FIRST QUESTION IS.**

**WHAT IS THE PLACE.**

**The Medium. You are in your game session. **

**I KNOW THAT.**

**WHAT'S THIS PLANET, I MEAN.**

**It was called Earth. **

**EARTH. THAT'S IT?**

**Yes. **

**Weren't all the Statues of Liberty a dead giveaway? **

**If you see one or more shitty old Statues of Liberty on any post-apocalyptic wasteland planet, that automatically means it was Earth all along, as a rule. **

**Then when you realize that, you're supposed to have a mental breakdown. **

**I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH THIS RULE. AND SKEPTICAL OF ITS VERACITY.**

**TELL ME MORE ABOUT EARTH.**

**It's the place humans are from. But that was a very long time ago, with respect to the planet's current age. **

**Earth has been through a lot. It was even relocated a couple times. **

**YES. I BROUGHT IT WITH ME, I THINK.**

**INTO THE GAME.**

**Yes. But it was relocated once even before that. **

**It was moved from its native solar system, where it circled around a little yellow sun. **

**Then it founds its way to a new system, around your big red sun. It stayed there for a good while, until your sun started dying. **

**WHY WOULD SOMEONE MOVE A PLANET.**

**Its universe was about to explode. So its proprietor closed up shop and got it the hell out of there. **

**HOW.**

**That's not important for you to know. Suffice to say, planets just have a way of scooting around in this adventure. **

**OK. WHY IS THIS MY PLANET IN THE GAME THOUGH.**

**Cause your kernelsprite turned into a black hole and sucked it into your session? **

**NO I MEAN. I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A COOL AND SPECIAL PLACE.**

**LIKE A LAND OF SOMETHING AND SOMETHING.**

**You do. **

**You just have to unlock it. **

**That is when your real quest will begin. **

**HOW DO I DO THAT.**

**You know. Finding keys. Solving problems. **

**All the potential for extraordinary achievements in your quest must be unlocked first. **

**We've been over this. **

**WHERE DO I FIND THE KEYS.**

**I don't know. **

**LIES.**

**Why would I know that? You think I'm like an encyclopedia on key locations? **

**I got better things to think about than where all your stupid keys are. **

**Find them yourself. Better hop to it! **

**NO. MORE QUESTIONS FIRST.**

**WHAT AM I ULTIMATELY STRIVING TO UNLOCK.**

**TO MAKE MY REAL LAND APPEAR.**

**IS IT SOME SORT OF GIANT, FANCY KEYHOLE.**

**No. More like a big door. **

**A DOOR TO WHAT.**

**TREASURE?**

**Kind of. **

**If there's any treasure in there, it would be guarded by your denizen. **

**WHAT'S THAT.**

**A powerful monster that rules your planet, asleep in the core.**

**He appeared there the moment Earth got sucked into your session. **

**WHAT KIND OF MONSTER.**

**IS IT A DEADLY, CHALLENGING MONSTER?**

**Yes. **

**He is the deadliest, most challenging denizen of all. **

**He very rarely appears in game sessions, and is usually designated for the most naturally gifted warriors. **

**His name is Yaldabaoth.**


	235. Book 14 Chapter 4: Key Quest

Chapter 4: Key Quest

Caliborn picked up the candy corn off the ground.

**SO MY GOAL IS. TO BURROW FUCK DEEP INTO THE CENTER OF EARTH.**

**UNLOCK HIS DOOR.**

**AND THEN DESTROY HIM.**

**Sort of. **

**You can fight him then and there if you want. But that won't do you much good. And not just because he'd probably kill you instantly. **

**You're better off listening to him. **

**WHY.**

**Because he will make you an offer. **

**By which I mean he will give you ****The Choice****. **

**THE CHOICE TO DO WHAT.**

**I won't tell you that. **

**FUCK. NO.**

**YOU WERE ON SUCH A ROLL. OF NOT BEING SHITTY.**

**It's just a very important decision you will have to take into consideration once you hear it. Something unique to you and your journey. **

**Basically, if you accept his terms, your real adventure will begin. Your true planet will be unlocked, and a whole lot of other crazy shit will happen. It's best not to get bogged down in the details though. **

**The bottom line is, by accepting, you will begin the most difficult game session anyone has ever attempted. **

**WHAT.**

**THAT'S BULLSHIT.**

**WHY DO I GET SUCH A RAW DEAL.**

**Because you are being punished. **

**FOR WHAT.**

**For your hubris in embarking on a one player session. **

**That's against the rules. **

**WHAT RULES. WHERE ARE THESE RULES WRITTEN.**

**They aren't written anywhere. They're just the rules. **

**Are the rules you and your sister followed written anywhere? **

**NO.**

**You just knew what they were, and you followed them. There were consequences for breaking them. **

**SO THIS SHIT ASS SESSION. IS PUNISHING ME FOR. BEING TOO FULL OF MYSELF. AND KILLING MY SISTER?**

**Pretty much. **

**WHATEVER. I ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES. FOR DOING THOSE EXCELLENT THINGS.**

**JUST BRING IT ON.**

**I thought you'd feel that way. **

**SO WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS SESSION. ASIDE FROM THE FIRST STAGE BEING INSANELY BORING.**

**It's called a dead session. **

**SO.**

**So, there are three kinds of fucked up sessions, and yours is the worst. **

**There's a null session, which is pretty much a normal session that's doomed to failure. **

**Everything works correctly. The sprites are prototyped, the battlefield can evolve, the Forge is present, Skaia can gestate a new universe... theoretically. **

**But events conspire such that this never happens. Basically the players are doomed to fail. **

**Then there's a void session, which is the same as a null session, but without even having the potential for success. **

**Nothing is prototyped. The battlefield doesn't evolve. There's no Forge. It is completely inert. **

**It has no chance of bearing fruit, at least not without some sort of miraculous external intervention. Like a deus ex machina. **

**And then there's a dead session, which is a void session but worse. It's started by a single player. The kernelsprite collapses into a black hole, sucking the planet into it, and eventually the sun and entire solar system. There is no hope of creating a universe in such a session under any circumstance, not even with outside help. Victory and defeat in a dead session are dictated by totally different terms. **

**One way of looking at it is, if you're fortunate enough to even get your quest started, it will be like playing the game on the extreme difficulty setting. **

**Hope you're up for that! **

**OF COURSE I AM.**

**LET ME ASK YOU.**

**IF YOU WERE THE MOST DEADLY DENIZEN OF ALL.**

**WOULD YOU WANT TO MESS WITH…**

He jammed the candy corn in the hole his tooth had inhabited before it had been dislodged by his ingenious escape plan and grinned nefariously.

***THIS*?**

**Hell no. **

**Hmm... **

**WHAT.**

**Gamzee again. **

**OH.**

**Wonder what he's up to now? **

**He doesn't look too good.**

Gamzee sat up, shaking. Suddenly, he pitched over and threw up purple liquid all over the ground.

**Oh great. **

**Now he's vomiting blood. **

**Are you satisfied? **

**You made this dear, sweet, pseudo-innocent juggalo vomit liter after thick, glutinous liter of nasty purple blood.**

Caliborn stuck out a black forked tongue and shuddered.

**UUUGH.**

**I'm debating whether I should play the elevator music again. **

**Would that be funny? I'm not sure. **

**Kind of borderline, really. **

**HOLD ON.**

**WHAT IS THAT.**

**What? **

**HE'S PUKING SOMETHING UP.**

**IT LOOKS LIKE...**

**ARE THOSE…**

**KEYS?**

**What? **

**HE PUKED UP SOME KEYS.**

**That's weird. **

**What kind of keys? **

**JUST SOME REGULAR LOOKING KEYS.**

**WITH SOME KIND OF CLOWNY KEY RING.**

**Hmm. **

**Do you think they might work on this tower? **

**WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME?**

**HOW COULD THIS BE SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW.**

**Don't be that way. I'm just thinking out loud here. **

**SO YOU HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WRETCHED FOOL SWALLOWED SOME KEYS.**

**INTENDING TO LATER REGURGITATE THEM IN FRONT OF ME. PROBABLY AS ANOTHER "PRESENT".**

**He's kind of like a loyal pet, isn't he? **

**Dragging ridiculous stuff into the house as gifts for his master. **

**Barfing up disgusting things on the carpet and beaming with pride over his generous offering. **

**Isn't that what you want from a devoted minion/mentor? **

**DID YOU. OR DID YOU NOT. KNOW HE HAD THESE KEYS.**

**Nope. **

**I'm just as surprised as you. **

**I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.**

**Hey, I told you. **

**I have no idea what that clown gets up to in his spare time. **

**I'm not even really sure how he got here, to be honest. **

**Maybe he stowed away in a shitty Liberty? **

**Or maybe he was just hiding in one of the ventshafts on your meteor when you entered? He had YEARS of practice to master that move, now that I think about it. **

**SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP!**

**HOW CAN EVERYTHING YOU SAY BE SO USELESS.**

**Why don't you quit bitching at me and try out those keys?**

He began trying them in various keyholes.

**HOW DO I KNOW WHICH KEY GOES IN WHICH HOLE.**

**You don't. **

**WHAT. THERE ARE NO LABELS. OR NUMBERS. OR ANYTHING?**

**Nope. **

**You just have to try them on every keyhole until one fits. **

**THAT'S SO TERRIBLE.**

**I LITERALLY CANNOT. EVEN THINK OF A SINGLE THING MORE TERRIBLE THAN THAT.**

**Welcome to your quest. **

**OK. I GUESS I FOUND ONE THAT FITS.**

He turned the key and a light next to it turned green. A new monitor changed from static, displaying an image of Jake fiercely pointing his guns at some skeletal underlings.

**AH. YES. IT'S THIS BUMBLING TWIT.**

**WHERE IS HE.**

**He is in his game session, exploring his land. **

**HIS LAND LOOKS COOLER THAN MINE.**

**It is cooler. **

**THAT FUCKER. I AM SO GOING TO MESS WITH HIM. NOW THAT I CAN SEE HIM.**

**HEY.**

**WHY CAN I SEE HIM NOW? THEIR GAME WAS BLACKED OUT. LAST I LOOKED.**

**You were looking through a standard chat client viewport. **

**This tower's signal bypasses the field of void permeating the session. **

**As long as you find the right tower, the right monitor, and have the right key, you should be able to see anything in existence from this planet. **

**INTERESTING.**

**Try another key.**

Caliborn found a keyhole that fit another one of the keys and another monitor turned on, displaying an image of Dirk with his red gasmask on, looking up at the toxic clouds in the sky.

**IT'S THE DIRK HUMAN.**

**HE IS SOMEWHAT TOLERABLE. I MEAN. AS A STRONG AND COMPETENT MALE.**

**What. So you're down with the Dirk? **

**NO. ALL I'M SAYING IS. THE DEATH I WISH ON HIM DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ESPECIALLY PAINFUL.**

**IT COULD BE LIKE. GOING TO SLEEP. WITH MAYBE ONLY A SHORT SCREAM.**

**I think you want to be bros with him. **

**SHUT YOUR MOUTH.**

**I WILL TRY ANOTHER KEY.**

Caliborn turned on another monitor. This one showed Roxy and Jane on Roxy's planet

**OH HO.**

**AND HERE IT WOULD SEEM THAT WE HAVE.**

**AN EXEMPLARY PAIR OF SAUCY BITCHES.**

**DO YOU THINK...**

**What? **

**NO. NEVER MIND.**

**IT WAS A FRIVOLOUS QUESTION.**

**Think what? **

**I WAS JUST WONDERING.**

**DO YOU THINK IT'S LIKELY.**

**IF I PEEK AT THEM FOR A WHILE.**

**THEY WILL BEGIN TO. MAYBE.**

**What? **

**STROKE EACH OTHER'S HAIR.**

**Ok, I'm leaving. **

**OR MAYBE.**

**WHAT'S THE WORD I'M THINKING OF.**

**YOU DO IT WITH ANOTHER LIVING TORSO THAT'S NEAR YOU. I MEAN, A TORSO YOU HAVEN'T KILLED YET.**

**WHEN ONE DARES TO ALLOW THE SEDUCTIVE SERPENT OF DEBAUCHERY TO SLITHER INTO ONE'S SARSWAPAGUS.**

**What the fuck? **

**I THINK IT'S CALLED.**

**"SNUGGLING"?**

**Bye. **

**WAIT!**

**WHERE ARE YOU GOING.**

**I think you've got a handle on this. **

**You're warming up to the clown, or at least you stopped shooting him every thirty seconds. **

**So it seems like you're ready to accept him as your mentor and begin taking this quest seriously. **

**I FIND HIM MODERATELY LESS REPELLENT.**

**AND HE HAS PROVEN HIMSELF USEFUL. I GUESS.**

**I WILL ACCEPT THE RESILIENT BARD AS MY SERVANT.**

**Cool. **

**My work here is done then. **

**Try out some more keys. Then go exploring and look for more. **

**You'll get the hang of it. **

**\- The narrative prompt has been locked. -**

Caliborn turned another key into the right keyhole and looked up at the screens. Another one was on. He grinned as he saw what it was displaying.

Gamzee stood up weakly and stood behind the cherub, putting his hand on his shoulder.

Together, they watched as a pumpkin arrived in B2 Jack's jail cell. Jack stopped sharpening his gold tooth and stared at the arrival of the new item.

End of Act 6 Intermission 4.


	236. Book 14 Chapter 5: Act 6 Act 5

Chapter 5: Act 6 Act 5

The curtains opened to reveal a fenestrated wall that Jake was carefully inspecting. He was sitting on one of the stonehenge-like rocks on LOMAX. He tapped the wall gently and sighed, picturing his Grandma English and her brother going hunting together as kids.

Jake's sprite floated over to him and he turned and grinned to look at his mystical guide. The sprite flipped him off. Jake grinned all the wider and stared at the sprite's glasses, one lens red and the other blue, but just then, Dirk messaged him.

He sighed even more deeply than he had before as he read the messages.

**TT: Dude!**

**TT: Where you at, man.**

**TT: Wait.**

**TT: Which computer are you using?**

**TT: I'm not comfortable knowing my words could be hovering over Cage's clownish, sort of gaunt face.**

**TT: Could you maybe switch back to naked blue chicks as your exclusive desktop fodder? TIA.**

**TT: But yeah.**

**TT: I don't know if you just want a little solitude.**

**TT: Or if maybe you finally just got like,**

**TT: A case of Strider fatigue.**

**TT: I could understand that.**

**TT: I mean, not to get all neurotic on you.**

**TT: I'm just saying I get it, if that's what's going on.**

**TT: But for real, if you gotta sneak away for a few days, that's cool.**

**TT: Just might be kind of dope if you at least would let me know which planet you scurried off to.**

**TT: And by dope I guess I mean considerate?**

**TT: Really not trying to be a drag here.**

**TT: Wondering what's up is all.**

**TT: Want to meet up soon?**

**TT: I found a really promising tomb we could raid.**

**TT: Looks like it runs hella deep.**

**TT: If I've got the specs right, could run as deep as the Lion's Mouth itself.**

**TT: But without all the fuckin' fire to deal with.**

**TT: Wait, I mean ****Lion's Mouth****.**

**TT: Gotta underline that key shit. Always forget.**

**TT: Figure it should take a couple days to make it to the bottom.**

**TT: Only a day if we both go limp and just fall the whole way down the stairs.**

**TT: Ignoring literally every sage warning we've ever received about those treacherous plummetation zigzags.**

**TT: Just tumbling on down in a floppy limbed trance like a couple of puppets in a race arranged by some drunk gamblers.**

**TT: If you're into another expedition, head to LOTAK and hit me up. Just don't forget your mask this time.**

**TT: The deeper we go, the worse it gets, remember?**

**TT: Could be some unreal grist down there.**

**TT: More puzzle shit.**

**TT: Loads of skeletons.**

**TT: Pack your guns dog.**

Jake locked his phone screen.

**JAKE: SIIIIIGH.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: no.**

**JAKE: Oh! Hey there buddy i nearly forgot you were bobbing about over there what with my emotional dilemmas.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: oh plea2e, a2 iif that loud heavvy 2iigh wwa2nt 2o obvviiou2ly diirected at gettiin my take on your 2HIITTY, BORIING boyfriiend problem2.**

**JAKE: Heheheh. Was i really so transparent?**

**JAKE: Youre a good man mr erisol. A good man with a good heart. Im lucky to have you as a friend.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: no, you bloody iimbeciile.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii am not a good man, ii dont havve a good heart, and iim not your fuckiin friiend.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii thiink you may be the dumbe2t liivviin beiing ii havve evver encountered.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii dont evven knoww wwhy ii bothered floatiing dowwn thii2 liittle gra22y gulch twwo fliip you the daiily biird. ii mu2t be out of my already tortured pan twwo bother wwiith ANY of you ovveremotiional fuckbag2.**

**JAKE: I suppose its true. You can be a bit of a surly customer.**

**JAKE: I dont hold it against you though. You have always been a wonderful source of amusement and companionship in this desolate place.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: wwoww, iit2 cool ii amu2e you, that really giivve2 meaniing to my joke of an exii2tence, ii mean WWOWW, thank2.**

**JAKE: Sure thing.**

**JAKE: Im just not sure who else to talk to about my issues with dirk.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ok, wwhy dont you giivve thii2 per2on a wwhiirl: NOT ME?**

**JAKE: Im so conflicted. Ive enjoyed our time together and all the adventures weve had over the last few months.**

**JAKE: But as a paramour he has been overbearing to say the least. I dont know if i have the gumption to withstand another round of needy overtures.**

**JAKE: What do you think sir sprite? Should i put the old kibash on the affair?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii hate howw you 2ay evverythiing. howw can he 2tand you.**

**JAKE: Although frankly that prospect alone sounds arduous.**

**JAKE: I wouldnt even know what to say to the poor fella.**

**JAKE: You are my mystical guide on this adventure! What perchance might you advise?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: alriight you wwant 2ome redrom coun2el, wwell here you go.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: iim of the miind2et that wwhen you havve a rock 2oliid piiece of a22 tiied twwo the dock, you dont bloody wwell tug the knot loo2e and 2hovve the fucker off wwiith the heel a your boot.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: but then another part of me ju2t wwonder2 wwhat the FUCK ii ju2t 2aiid there? liike that wwa2 ju2t 2uch a wweiird 2ociiopathiic thought ii had, ii hone2tly had no iidea howw bad ii could po22iibly feel about my2elf untiil ii BECAME my2elf, iif THAT make2 2en2e.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: your bro ha2 feeliin2 twwo con2iider, he2 not 2ome 2liice of grub2teak. wwhy are you con2ultiing wwiith me, iim a dii2a2ter. no iim a dii2a2ter that 2hiit iit2 emotiional pant2 wwiith thiick liiquiid CATA2TROPHE, 2o dont evven come near me.**

**JAKE: Oh mr erisol. You are in rare form today.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: fuck you jake. iim not funny. ii havve no actual clue wwhy you thiink iim 2o funny, 2o PII22 OFF.**

**JAKE: HAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii 2hould havve exploded my2elf the moment he 2pawwned me.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: evvery day iim wwonderiin wwhy ii havvent blowwn my2elf up yet.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: one tiime ii thiink ii almo2t diid?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: then ii ju2t thought...**

**ERISOLSPRITE: MEH.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii thiink the truth ii2 deep dowwn ii mu2t lovve 2ufferiin.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ju2t liike you and wwhat2 hii2 face and your TRAINWRECK of a mate2priit2hiip.**

**JAKE: STOP! STOP! MY SIDES.**

**JAKE: Your act is too rich. Thanks buddy this is cheering me up at least a little.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: 2hut up.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: oh and you knoww wwhat el2e ii2 fliippiin BULL2HIIT?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: thii2 hoax that youre iimplyiin there2 no one el2e twwo talk twwo about thii2.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: TALK TWWO A MEMBER OF YOUR OWWN FUCKIIN 2PECIIE2 FOR A CHANGE.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: wwhat about crocker. try ruiiniin her day wwiith your wwii2hy wwa2hy rubbii2h.**

**JAKE: Youre right. I really should catch up with Janey.**

**JAKE: Its been a while since we spoke. It does seem like more and more im the one to get in touch with her.**

**JAKE: I do hope she hasnt tired too badly of listening to my problems. The last thing i want is to give the impression that everything revolves around my various romantic hurdles.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: revvolvve around? iit2 a biit late for that jake.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: your flu2hed quadrant ii2 a black hole and wwe are all beiing dragged 2creamiin through iit2 evvent horiizon.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ju2t talk twwo jane, and nevver fuckiin look at me agaiin for the re2t of your liife.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: iim leavviing. hey here2 one for the road.**

**JAKE: Ah! There she blows. Your favorite finger of all.**

**JAKE: You sure do love showing that one to people. Its actually become a vaguely comforting gesture.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: you knoww wwhat youvve done jake.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: you havve totally RUIINED the act of fliippiin people off.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: iit wwa2 the one joy ii had left. ii hope youre happy.**

**JAKE: Boy howdy!**

On LOPAN, Roxy and Jane prepared for Jane's birthday. A banner written in Roxy's text color hung between her observatory and the Alchemiter, reading "**happy birt*day janey! *FUCK**". All around the house stood carapacians, both white and black, wearing party hats. LOCAH-style balloons hung around the house as well.

Jane prepared her icing tube to squeeze onto the cake she'd baked. GCat sit on the table next to the cake, wearing a little green party hat. Roxy's sprite floated nearby as well, wearing a lavender party hat.

Suddenly, Jane received a message from Jake.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**GT: Greetings!**

**GG: Oh. Hello, Jake.**

**GT: Im not interrupting anything am i?**

**GG: Um, not really? Roxy and I are just setting a few things up here.**

**GT: Ah i see. I would be happy to message you again later if it would spare you any inconvenience.**

**GG: No, it's fine! It's really nice to hear from you, actually.**

**GG: I was starting to worry you might have forgotten.**

**GT: Uh.**

**GT: Forgotten?**

**GG: Oh no...**

**GT: Forgotten what now?**

Jane let out the deepest sigh she had in a while and lowered the tube of icing.

**GG: Never mind.**

**GT: Wait dont tell me.**

**GT: Is it a tomb or a crypt or somesuch? Are you preparing for another grist seeking expedition?**

**GT: Oh shit did you schedule my assistance for the raid and i forgot all about it?**

**GG: No, Jake.**

**GG: We didn't need your help raiding a tomb. But thanks for thinking of us.**

**GG: I don't know what this clueless pair of damsels would do without you.**

**GT: Blast.**

**GT: Well what in the name of willy howard tafts great tub choking bottom could i be forgetting then?**

**GT: This is going to drive me CRAZY! Can you give me a hint?**

**GG: Yes. It has to do with the day I was born, which was almost exactly sixteen years ago.**

**GT: Of course! Your birthday!**

**GG: Didn't you get Roxy's invitation?**

**GG: It was my understanding that she gave you and Dirk notice weeks ago.**

**GT: Yes thats right. Now i remember. The date sure snuck up on us quick didnt it?**

**GT: Sorry you know how things can slip my mind. The gourd on my shoulders isnt the steel trap it used to be. Nothing like the well oiled puzzlebuster you've got up there.**

**GG: Mm.**

**GT: Well damn.**

**GT: Looks like the egg monster took quite the spirited dump on my face this time.**

**GG: Jake. I... what?**

**GT: I feel so dumb. Ill be right over.**

**GG: Well, if you recall, the party is actually tomorrow.**

**GG: Like I said, we're just setting a few things up.**

**GG: Roxy is putting up some decorations. I baked a cake. You were of course free to join us early too. I just thought since I hadn't heard from you in quite some time, you had better things to do.**

**GT: You baked a cake for your own party?**

**GG: Yes. So?**

**GT: I dont know something seems amiss about that. Isnt that against tradition or inviting bad luck or something?**

**GT: But I guess it makes sense since you love baking cakes. Its like a present you give to yourself!**

**GG: Jake, what was it you actually wanted?**

**GT: Oh. I just wanted to get your advice on some stuff.**

**GT: But since ive been a heel and forgotten about your party maybe i shouldnt bother you with that?**

**GG: Mmm.**

**GT: So sixteen big ones huh! The ole sweet sixteen.**

**GT: Last one of us to notch the vaunted one sixer. Its a big step! I knew youd make it, i always said i believed in you didnt i?**

**GT: Just kidding, the inexorable nature of times passage virtually assured you would get that old so you didnt really have anything to do with it. I mean not that i dont still believe in you, i do.**

**GG: …**

**GT: I cant believe its already been...**

**GT: How long?**

**GT: What, like a year already since we entered? Holy moly, where does the time go.**

**GG: It's been more like five months. **

**GT: Oh.**

**GT: Well thats still a pretty long time.**

**GT: I have to admit its been a longer stint than i expected. Certainly one involving more downtime than i would have guessed.**

**GT: I really thought we would have been treated to more action, what being legendary players of a mysterious cosmic game. But no, it seems the primary duty of the so called nobles is to wait around twiddling our thumbs.**

**GG: Mmhmm. **

**GT: I am really beginning to wonder when these fabled heroes will arrive? And are they really going to be those we have been led to believe?**

**GT: I sure hope so. Id so love to meet my pen pal. Dear old departed grandma. But as a feisty youngster! What a hoot thatll be. And you with your poppop. Lets not forget about him.**

**GT: Not to mention the young strider and lalonde relatives. I bet theyre a barrel of laughs. I met them once but i was too shy to say anything. Then i got in a fight. Did i ever mention that jane?**

**GG: Yes. **

**GG: Many times. **

**GT: Not to say its been all downtime and doldrums. Exploring has been great. Finding treasure, solving riddles, becoming better friends. I wouldnt trade that for anything.**

**GT: And maybe we are getting close to something big happening regardless? Every day it seems like more and more undead creatures crawl from out of the shadows. Bigger ones and stronger ones. Does their presence herald something worse coming, just as the legends indicate our presence heralds something better?**

**GT: I just wish we could actually kill the fucking things. Even the little ones can absorb so much damage before yielding any spoils!**

**GT: Remember jane? Remember at the start how we kept trying to kill them?**

**GG: Mmhmm. **

**GT: We would all gang up on like an imp skeleton for an hour just clobbering it repeatedly. Knocking its bones down, waiting for it to reassemble and keep coming at us. Only to finally be rewarded with a shitty pittance of grist!**

**GT: But i guess the silver lining was it forced us to explore ruins more often and scavenge for loot there. So i think weve learned a lot more this way.**

**GT: But it sure makes resources hard to come by, having to get them exclusively from chests and whatnot. Sometimes i wonder if weve been missing out on a really rewarding part of the game by neglecting to build up our houses? Makes you wonder. But it just costs so much! Better to stick to making more practical stuff dont you think?**

**GG: Mm. **

**GT: Sometimes i wonder if the heroes had the same problems in their game. Do you think they found an easier way to kill skeletons?**

**GT: Were they just as shameless as us when it came to splurging our precious grist on swanky new duds?**

**GT: Did the same enigmatic bard haunt their game? And if so which hilarious dead trolls did he throw into the flashy blobs?**

**GT: Mr erisol tells me he knows many things about the heroes because he saw them in action when he was alive. But he wont tell me a thing about them! These troll sprites sure do love keeping their secrets dont they? Heheh.**

**GG: That's nice, Jake. I'm kind of busy though. **

**GG: What did you actually want to talk to me about? **

**GG: Actually, why don't we just talk about it tomor- **

**GT: Okay we can talk about that if you insist.**

**GT: Really jane you sure know how to twist a fellas arm!**

**GT: I just wanted to get your take on what you might call my own personal ultimate riddle.**

**GT: It involves dirk.**

Jane's lip curled unpleasantly.

**GG: You don't say.**

**GT: Its true. I havent seen him in a couple days.**

**GT: I have been laying low for a while but i just received another series of pushy inquiries from him.**

**GT: Maybe i shouldnt be too hard on the guy since he was probably just concerned, not having heard from me and all.**

**GT: But i still couldnt help but detect a tone of desperation, like he could sense i may be having doubts.**

**GT: This kind of thing has been all too common unfortunately.**

**GT: Im not sure its going to work anymore.**

**GG: Mm.**

**GT: He can be so needy!**

**GT: If only he could just relax and trust that i wont spontaneously tire of his company.**

**GT: Although the irony i guess is that his overbearing tendencies are beginning to fulfill his own paranoid prophecy.**

**GT: Its such a shame. Weve had so many capital adventures together.**

**GT: I dont know why he has to be like this. He always was an intense fella. But in person... holy cow.**

**GT: I wonder if it has to do with the fact that he grew up alone in the middle of the ocean? And now he doesnt know how to deal with people without suffocating them?**

**GT: But then again i grew up under similar circumstances and i think i turned out pretty much ok socially, at least i hope so. Do you think so jane?**

**GG: Mmmm!**

**GT: Actually it just occurred to me. Its funny he didnt mention your party in his text.**

**GT: Im SURE he wouldnt have forgotten. He never forgets ANYTHING what with all his calculations and his computerized brain. Both figurative and literal.**

**GT: I wonder what his game was? He invited me on an expedition without mention of your party as a potential conflict...**

**GT: If he sensed i could use some space perhaps he was concerned that if we both showed up to the party it would be awkward?**

**GT: Or maybe he didnt want to mention he was going to the party in case it would spook me away from attending?**

**GT: Argh! Do you see jane? This is what his endless machinations do to you!**

**GT: Anything he says could be part of some grand convoluted scheme and it just makes you agonize and boggle and wonder until your brain hurts and you just KNOW its a battle you cant win.**

**GT: You know what i mean jane?**

**GG: Mmhmm.**

**GT: Do you think i should just bite the bullet and end it?**

**GT: Its probably the right thing to do.**

**GT: Boy am i not looking forward to that conversation though.**

**GT: Its going to be a doozy. What did i get myself into here?**

**GT: I think ive made a lot of mistakes honestly.**

**GT: Not the least of which was getting this shitty tattoo, now that i think about it.**

**GT: Yes yes i know we all thought it was a riot at first.**

**GT: I guess it still is maybe? But lately ive been wondering if it might not have been an act of sound judgment.**

**GT: Can you believe that jane?**

**GG: Hmm!**

**GT: I dont know. Its a real pickle im in here but i do feel better just being able to get it off my chest.**

**GT: You are such a good friend jane, always ready to listen to my relationship woes. What a trooper!**

Jane's eye twitched and she snarled.

**GT: It never ceases to amaze me how excellent you are at this friendship business. Where would we all be without you?**

**GT: In a way you really have been the glue holding us all together on our adventure. Gosh youre a standup gal.**

**GT: Oh which actually reminds me of ANOTHER thing thats been bugging me about dirk.**

**GT: He can often be almost hilariously self absorbed. Dont even get me started on when he starts going off on these long monologues about his philosophical gobbledygook.**

**GT: I'm not sure he actually has much of a filter when it comes to what others regard as interesting points of conversation.**

**GT: Not to rag on the guy too hard but i guess at times i would just like to see a little more self awareness from him is all.**

**GG: Jake.**

**GT: Did i tell you what happened on our last expedition together?**

**GG: Jake.**

**GT: I cant remember if i mentioned. Oh man but thinking back on what happened its even more ridiculous in retrospect.**

**GT: Where do i begin?**

**GG: Jake!**

**GT: What?**

**GG: Shut up!**

**GT: Huh?**

**GG: Shut up!**

**GT: Errr.**

**GT: Did i say something wrong?**

Jane tightened her grip on the tube, getting icing all over the table.

**GG: JAKE.**

**GG: PLEASE.**

**GG: STOP TALKING.**

**GT: I dont...**

**GG: JAKE.**

**GG: I SAID SHUT UP.**

**GT: Wha...**

**GG: JUST,**

**GG: SHUT,**

**GG: THE ****FUCK****,**

**GG: **_**UUUUUUUUUUP!**_

She dropped the icing tube and clenched her fists instead.

**GT: Ay caramba.**

**GT: What in tarnation is the matter jane?**

**GG: WHAT'S THE MATTER?**

**GG: WHAT'S THE MATTER?**

**GG: I AM SICK.**

**GG: AND FUCKING TIRED.**

**GG: TO ****DEATH****.**

**GG: OF YOUR **_**INSUFFERABLE BLITHERING BULLSHIT!**_

**GT: Whoa there.**

**GT: You seem really worked up. Maybe we should just calm down and talk this through like sensible adults?**

**GT: Also youre going kinda heavy on the caps there arent you? Sort of makes it seem like your shouting. Just saying.**

**GG: I AM SHOUTING!**

**GG: THERE ARE LITERAL SHOUTS OF ANGER COMING OUT OF MY ACTUAL MOUTH, AND THEY ARE DIRECTED AT YOU!**

**GT: Yikes.**

**GT: Well ok then.**

**GT: Can you tell me why youre so upset with me?**

**GT: Is it because i forgot your birthday party? Because i do feel awful about that.**

**GG: OH MY GOD. WHY ARE YOU SO CLUELESS?**

**GG: I CAN'T STAND IT!**

**GT: Really i feel like a tool about forgetting. You know how i am. I forget stuff.**

**GT: I mean...**

**GT: Shucks buster. If i knew how to make it up to you i would.**

**GT: If it ameliorates matters any i am sighing pretty much the shucksiest buster of contrition i can manage.**

**GG: IT'S NOT ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY!**

**GG: THE FACT THAT YOU FORGOT CERTAINLY DOESN'T HELP, BUT THAT'S NOT IT. SEE, YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!**

**GG: OH, AND COULD YOU PLEASE STOP SAYING SHUCKS BUSTER?!**

**GG: SHUCKS BUSTER WAS MY THING! AND YOU STOLE IT!**

**GT: I thought shucks buster was...**

**GT: Sorta our thing?**

**GG: NO, IT WAS MY THING, BUT I ALLOWED IT TO BE OUR THING! BACK WHEN YOU USED TO GIVE A SHIT! BUT NOW IT'S JUST MINE, AND YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE!**

**GT: Uhh.**

**GT: Ok?**

**GT: I suppose i could go with shoot buddy. Or...**

**GT: Fudge junior?**

**GG: ...**

**GT: Or maybe forgo an analogous catch phrase altogether heh.**

**GT: But i clearly stepped in it big time with you and id really like to know what i did.**

Roxy and Fefetasprite looked at each other with wide eyes.

**GG: JAKE, LET ME ASK YOU.**

**GG: DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE TALKED?**

**GT: Hmm.**

**GT: Wasnt it a few days ago?**

**GG: NO. TRY A FEW ****WEEKS** **AGO!**

**GG: AND EVEN THEN, YOU MESSAGED ME JUST TO TALK ABOUT SOME STUPID SHIT THAT HAPPENED WITH DIRK.**

**GG: A TEDIOUS GESTURE WHICH YOU THEN SAW FIT TO REPRISE ON MY BIRTHDAY OF ALL DAYS, WHILST CONSIDERATELY FORGETTING ABOUT IT!**

**GG: AND EVEN WHEN I REMINDED YOU ABOUT IT, YOU STILL BARGED AHEAD WITH YOUR SELF-INDULGENT RELATIONSHIP CLAPTRAP ANYWAY!**

**GT: I didnt realize it was so long ago. Sorry about that.**

**GT: Again all i can say is where does the time go? I guess i have trouble keeping up with everything im supposed to. Which it would seem includes personal relationships as much as calendars.**

**GT: Im not much of a leader of people. Not like you are jane. I think when it comes to adventuring maybe im more of a solo act?**

**GT: Which now that i think about it might be contributing to my problems with dirk. Maybe thats part of the reason why i needed some space?**

**GT: Oh brother there i go again blustering about my problems. I guess i see what you mean.**

**GT: But really if you wanted to talk sooner then why didnt you get in touch with me?**

**GT: It feels as though im always the one to say hello to you lately.**

**GG: YEAH! THAT'S BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE TIME WE CHAT, YOU DO NOTHING BUT TALK ABOUT YOURSELF!**

**GG: YOU NEVER ASK ME HOW I'M FEELING OR WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO. YOU JUST LAUNCH INTO YOUR ROMANTIC PROBLEMS, AND I JUST LISTEN LIKE AN ACCOMMODATING FOOL AS ALWAYS!**

**GG: SO I JUST STOPPED BOTHERING! WHY SHOULD I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT REPEATEDLY?!**

**GG: YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE MOST THOUGHTLESS, SELF-CENTERED PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!**

**GG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO FEEL...**

**GT: Huh?**

**GT: Used to feel what?**

**GG: JAKE, HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU HOW IT MUST FEEL FOR SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO HER FRIEND GO ON AND ON ABOUT HIS BOYFRIEND PROBLEMS WHEN...**

**GG: WHEN ALL ALONG SHE...**

**GG: BUT SHE JUST COULDN'T SAY BECAUSE SHE BLEW IT AND IT WAS TOO LATE TO...**

**GG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M BOTHERING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU. NEVER MIND.**

**GT: Now hold the phone.**

**GT: Jane i think i may finally understand whats been going on here.**

**GT: In retrospect i cant believe ive been this blind.**

**GT: Youre right i really can be deplorably thick sometimes.**

**GT: Looking back i can see how many of our conversations must have been torment for you.**

**GT: You really should have told me how you felt sooner!**

**GG: YEAH. I...**

**GG: I know. :(**

**GT: If you told me you had the hots for dirk i would have backed off without another word.**

**GT: What are friends for!**


	237. Book 14 Chapter 6: The Jake Experience

Chapter 6: The Jake English Experience

Jane flipped the table high into the air, sending the cake and the birthday hats that had been on it flying off the roof of Roxy's house and towards the ground.

**GG: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH!**

**GT: Wait...**

**GT: Did i say something dumb again?**

**GT: Consarn it.**

**GT: I think maybe something is getting lost in translation over our respective chat clients.**

**GT: Maybe we should wait until tomorrow and just clear the air face to face at your party?**

**GG: NO! **

**GG: YOU AREN'T COMING TO MY PARTY! **

**GT: Aw come on jane. Be a sport.**

**GG: YOU AREN'T COMING TO MY PARTY, BECAUSE THERE ISN'T GOING TO **_**BE**_ **A PARTY! **

**GG: GO RAID SOME TOMBS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND. GO MAKE OUT WITH HIM OR BREAK UP WITH HIM, OR WHATEVER IT IS YOUR FICKLE, SELFISH HEART DESIRES! **

**GG: I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE WITH YOU! **

**GG: I AM FED UP WITH YOUR **_**STUPID**_ **MOVIES AND YOUR **_**STUPID **_**ADVENTURES AND YOUR **_**STUPID**_ **OLD TIMEY CHARMS AND YOU **_**STUUUUUUPID **_**DASHING GOOD LOOKS. WHO NEEDS **_**ANY OF IT?**_

**GT: I say jane. Before you do anything rash...**

**GG: OH, WILL YOU PLEASE, **

**GG: JUST,**

**GG: **_**STFU BUSTER!**_

She threw her tiaratop to the ground, along with the fake mustache and stomped it to bits.

**ROXY: jane**

**ROXY: yo uh**

**ROXY: janey**

**ROXY: u ok there**

**JANE: I WILL BE PEACHY **_**FUCKING**_ **KEEN ONCE I STOMP THIS NOVELTY MUSTACHE HEADSET INTO OBLIVION, AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER!**

**ROXY: janey uh**

**ROXY: that aint a reasonable thing you said**

**JANE: AU CONTRAIRE.**

**JANE: I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THAT ONCE THIS PIECE OF SHIT HAS BEEN REDUCED TO SUBATOMIC PARTICLES, WE WILL ALL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE **_**FUCKING ROSES.**_

**ROXY: jaaaaane**

**ROXY: stoppit :(**

**ROXY: ur upsettin fefeta**

**ROXY: just**

**ROXY: think of fefeta is all im asking**

**ROXY: poor fefeta :'(**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 383**

A black carapacian absconded via umbrella.

**JANE: OH POOR FEFETA MY SWEET PATOOTIE!**

**JANE: YOU AND I BOTH KNOW FEFETA HAS HAD TO DEAL WITH GARBAGE FROM JERKOFF BOYS BEFORE.**

**JANE: SO DON'T GIVE ME THIS POOR FEFETA **_**CRAP**_**.**

**ROXY: lol yeah**

**ROXY: my girl fefeta knows whats up**

**ROXY: she been around the d bag block a time or 2**

**ROXY: em i rite fefeta**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 3;3**

**ROXY: shit yes gimme a paw bump**

**ROXY: BOMP**

**ROXY: jane u want in on this action**

**ROXY: come give us a fist fulla sugar**

**ROXY: complete the 3way for max girl power + solidarity against dumb dudes**

**ROXY: janey jeez dont leave us hanging here**

**JANE: SIGH.**

**JANE: FINE.**

**ROXY: jane that was the piss poorest paw bump ive ever seen**

**ROXY: that was like a negative bump**

**ROXY: we are going to have to bump long and hard into the night to dig us outta this fuckin bump hole you dug us into**

**ROXY: w/ that tragic bump**

**ROXY: that bump was like**

**ROXY: shakespearean**

**ROXY: makes me want to weep softly and leave a bouquet somewhere**

**ROXY: someone plays a sad trumpet in the distance**

**ROXY: look fefeta just sniffled a little at how sad that bump w-**

**JANE: **_**SHHHHHHHH!**_

**ROXY: ok god**

**ROXY: was just tryin to cheer you up**

**ROXY: take ur mind off whatever the hell that was**

**ROXY: you werent serious about calling off the party were you**

**ROXY: here let me just get the chess guys to help put the table back on the roof**

**ROXY: and maybe salvage the cake out of that sand dune over there...**

**ROXY: aaaaand NOPE the chess guys just finished eatin it**

**ROXY: lets just bake another k?**

**JANE: NO, I WAS SERIOUS! **

**JANE: I'M NOT... **

**JANE: I'm not in the mood for a party anymore. **

**ROXY: so it sounds like**

**ROXY: u got jaked**

**JANE: :( **

**ROXY: why yes**

**ROXY: that is the face of a girl who just got english'd with extreme prejudice**

**ROXY: he was a block head and forgot your birthday didnt he**

**ROXY: im sorry jane**

**JANE: Yeah, me too. Can we maybe not rehash the whole terrible conversation though? **

**ROXY: yeah we dont have to**

**ROXY: just maybe try not to hold whatever dumb shit he said against him forever?**

**ROXY: thats just how the guy is**

**ROXY: its like**

**ROXY: he doesnt mean to be a douche**

**ROXY: but its just kind of a byproduct of the whole ridiculous jake english experience**

**ROXY: like his dunkass shenanigans leave behind a residue that looks like douche and tastes like douche but it aint the real thing?**

**ROXY: like douche substitute**

**ROXY: "i cant believe its not douche"**

**ROXY: um**

**ROXY: im just trying to say not terrible things about him in hopes you dont start hating each other but i guess this isnt what you wanna hear now**

**JANE: :( **

**ROXY: soooo yeah**

**ROXY: i guess jakes dumpin dirk soon?**

**ROXY: hahah like the writing wasnt so on the wall with those two from day one**

**ROXY: poor dirk**

**ROXY: ive wanted to say something to prepare him for that but**

**ROXY: never had the heart to bring it up i guess?**

**ROXY: what can u do...**

**ROXY: hey**

**ROXY: but the silver lining is**

**ROXY: i mean if you can forgive him for shitting on your bday and stuff**

**ROXY: maybe this is finally your chance to make a play 4 the j man?**

**ROXY: ehhhh? ;)**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 38D**

**JANE: ROXY, PLEASE. **

**JANE: AS IF THAT ISN'T THE FURTHEST THING FROM MY MIND RIGHT NOW! **

**JANE: I AM **_**SO DONE**_ **WITH THAT WHOLE TRAIN OF THOUGHT. **

**ROXY: so you really think youre just**

**ROXY: completely over him?**

**JANE: YESSIREE! **

**JANE: IF JAKE'S THE RAINBOW, THEN JUST CALL ME A LITTLE HOUSE FROM KANSAS! **

**JANE: WHEEEEEE! **

**ROXY: wait rly**

**ROXY: as in like you dont give a shit if he dates anybody or**

**JANE: MMMMMMMHM! **

**ROXY: i seeee**

**ROXY: iiiiiinteresting!**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 38O**

**JANE: WAIT... **

**JANE: WHAT?**

**JANE: WHAT THE HELL IS ****THAT** **SUPPOSED TO MEAN? **

**ROXY: nothing!**

**ROXY: i was just...**

**ROXY: it was a joke!**

**JANE: WAS IT REALLY?! **

**ROXY: ok maybe not a total joke**

**ROXY: but still mostly a joke!**

**ROXY: im only**

**ROXY: trying to**

**ROXY: blurgh**

**ROXY: i dont know**

**JANE: ROXY, I GET YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, BUT A LOT OF THINGS YOU'RE SAYING HERE AREN'T REALLY HELPING! **

**JANE: DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING HALF THE TIME? **

**JANE: I THINK I LIKED YOU BETTER WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING! **

**ROXY: jaaane no**

**ROXY: dont say that**

**ROXY: i had a problem :(**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 38(**

**JANE: OK, YEAH! **

**JANE: I WAS WAY OUT OF LINE THERE AND I'M SORRY! **

**JANE: THAT STUPID CONVERSATION WITH JAKE JUST PUSHED ME OVER SOME KIND OF EDGE AND NOW I AM FEELING REALLY, REALLY DISTRAUGHT! **

**JANE: THIS GAME IS SO MUCH MORE DEPRESSING THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE! EVERYTHING IS DEAD AND EMPTY AND FULL OF GRAVES AND ALL WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IS JUST KEEP WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING! BUT FOR HOW MUCH LONGER? AND I **_**STILL**_ **DON'T KNOW WHERE MY DAD IS, AND YOU **_**STILL**_ **HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO REACH CALLIOPE, AND WHAT IF THEY'RE BOTH... **

**JANE: AND NOW ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I MAY HAVE PERMANENTLY DESTROYED MY FRIENDSHIP WITH JAKE! **

**JANE: AND NOW... **

**JANE: Now... **

**JANE: I just want to be alone. **

**ROXY: jane wait**

**JANE: I have to go! **

**ROXY: where are you going!**

Jane lass scampered across the rooftop, youth rolled over the Alchemiter, and jumped into a fenestrated wall in a textbook abscond.

**JANE: HOME!**

Roxy shook her head.

**ROXY: good lard**

**ROXY: all my friends are being disasters**

**ROXY: welp looks like its just us**

**ROXY: party nite w gcat and fefeta**

**ROXY: fefeta?**

She looked over at the sprite and saw that she was asleep.

**ROXY: oh dangit**

**ROXY: hey you know i could have used some support there**

**ROXY: where was all that profound shippin expertise when we really needed it!**

**ROXY: usually i can barely shut you up girl**

**ROXY: maybe you just clammed up at all the drama?**

**ROXY: hehehe youd have loved that pun**

**ROXY: the one i just said about the clams**

She scritched Fefeta's head gently. The sprite simultaneously purred and glubbed in her sleep.

**ROXY: aw its ok you had enough drama in your lives**

**ROXY: you deserve some rest**

**ROXY: good night sweet princess**

Roxy turned to GCat.

**ROXY: sooo**

**ROXY: gcat**

**ROXY: i guess that just leaves the two of us**

**ROXY: wow this is**

**ROXY: great?**

**ROXY: you gonna behave urself**

**ROXY: not do anything too uh**

**ROXY: vexing or cheshire catty**

**ROXY: i hope?**

GCat teleported them both away, causing Roxy's hat to fall off.

**ROXY: oh mother fuck**

She collapsed onto the purple ground of Derse, falling unconscious. The Condesce hovered over her, grinning victoriously.


	238. Book 14 Chapter 7: REMEMBER ME?

Chapter 7: REMEMBER ME?

Jane ollie outied her way out of a fenestrated wall on LOCAH, running angrily along the path back home. She stopped running as she began to develop a stitch in her side and doubled over painfully. Her anger fizzled out.

Someone began pestering her. Oh god no. Not now...

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**uu: CROCKER.**

**uu: HEY IT'S ME.**

**uu: REMEMBER ME?**

**GG: What the?**

**uu: TUMUT**

**uu: OOPS NO.**

**uu: *HOLDS SHIFT.* *NOSTALGICALLY.***

**uu: tumut**

**uu: YESSSS.**

**GG: Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.**

**GG: You are the absolute last person I want to hear from right now.**

**GG: And the bottom of that list is pretty competitive territory at the moment!**

**uu: DON'T BE LIKE THAT. YOU STUPID EARTH COW.**

**uu: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE BECOMING FRIENDS. IF YOU RECOIL FROM MY OLIVE BRANCH.**

**uu: LIKE I'M FLAILING A WITHERED MUMMY'S SEVERED LIMB IN YOUR DIRECTION.**

**GG: I don't want us to become friends!**

**GG: We all thought you were gone for good. And we liked it that way!**

**GG: Please don't tell me you've found a second wind of petty trolling in you.**

**uu: HEY. I DON'T TROLL.**

**uu: I *JEER*. GET IT RIGHT.**

**uu: TROLLING IS FOR LOSERS. LOSERS SPECIFICALLY WHO ARE TROLLS.**

**GG: Whatever. And what's with the ugly green text?**

**GG: Reading your malformed sentence fragments was unpleasant enough as it was.**

**uu: I BORROWED IT FROM MY SISTER.**

**uu: AND SHUT UP. IT LOOKS GREAT.**

**uu: AND IS NO UGLIER THAN YOU. WHO I CAN SEE NOW WITH EASE. FOR THE RECORD.**

**GG: "Whom" you can see, moron.**

**GG: And no, you can't!**

**GG: Calliope said you couldn't see us at all in our game session. So I think you're lying!**

**uu: AM I REALLY.**

**uu: WHEN RIGHT NOW I AM LOOKING AT A HOMELY FEMALE IN DUMB BLUE PANTS. SULKING IN A GRAY PLACE. TYPING ON A COMPUTER WITH A STRANGE HUMAN FACE?**

**GG: Oh, dear God.**

**GG: WHY?**

**uu: MY POWER HAS GROWN CONSIDERABLY SINCE I LAST JEERED YOU. **

**uu: I HAVE MADE REMARKABLE STRIDES ON MY SACRED JOURNEY TOWARD IMPORTANT ADULTHOOD. **

**uu: ON THIS BULLSHIT PLANET. WHICH USED TO BE YOUR HOME. **

**uu: I HAVE FOUND MANY KEYS. AND UNLOCKED MANY HOLES. **

**uu: AND NOW I CAN SEE MORE. AND LEARN MORE. THAN YOU COULD EVER FUCKING DREAM! **

**GG: How wonderful for you.**

**GG: I don't care how all-seeing and all-powerful you think you are.**

**GG: If your intent is to waste my time with more of your pitiful bullying, you are out of luck.**

**GG: Because that is exactly NOT the sort of crap I am in the mood for today.**

**GG: Toodle-oo!**

**uu: WAIT! **

**uu: I THINK I GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT. **

**uu: HOW ABOUT WE. GNAW THAT ONE OFF AND START OVER? **

**uu: I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT. **

**GG: ?**

**uu: MY PEOPLE AREN'T MEANT TO LIKE ANYBODY. GET IT? **

**uu: I MEAN, NOT THE WAY HUMANS DO. WE DON'T HAVE THE HUMAN EMOTION CALLED "LOVEKHEKLFSDKF". AND WE SPONTANEOUSLY START MASHING KEYS. WHEN WE ARE FORCED TO EVEN TYPE THE WORD. **

**uu: ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE DICTATED BY THE MIRACLE OF HATRED. SO WHEN I USE BAD WORDS TOWARD YOU. THAT'S JUST ME SAYING THINGS TO TRY TO KNOW YOU BETTER. **

**uu: LIKE. "SOCIALLYUOIPY". **

**uu: AS A. **

**uu: *SHUDDER* **

**uu: A... "FRIENDJISJFDJISJSDKFLDJSDKLJF".**

**uu: SO WHEN I SAY YOU'RE UGLY. WHICH YOU FACTUALLY ARE. **

**uu: I MEAN THAT FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. OF BEING NORMAL, AND NOT A SHITTY ALIEN. TO SAY THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY ATTRACTIVE IN AN UNPLEASANT WAY. TO MY BRAIN. **

**GG: Hrm.**

**GG: Nope. That makes very little sense.**

**uu: FUCK. TRY USING YOUR SUPPOSEDLY BETTER SMARTNESS THAN MINE.**

**uu: AND THINK SOMEWHAT LATERALLY. ABOUT LIKE. FUCKING CULTURE. THAT ISN'T *YOURS*. **

**uu: YOU DUMB BITCH. **

**GG: Yes, I see it all too clearly now. You're really quite the charmer!**

**uu: NO. COME ON. "DUMB BITCH" IS ANOTHER GREAT COMPLIMENT. **

**uu: IN THE SAME VEIN AS THAT WHICH I JUST DESCRIBED. **

**uu: IT'S A TERM OF "ENDEARMENKSKLJJF" I USE TO TALK ABOUT GIRLS. WHO IN MY VIEW HAVE MANAGED TO AVOID BEING. **

**uu: UTTERLY BENEATH MY PERSONAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. THIS ISN'T COMPLICATED. **

**GG: Uh huh.**

**GG: So you're actually trying to claim that you find me attractive, from the alleged "bad means good" point of view of your hate-driven species?**

**uu: DEFINITELY. **

**uu: I'M NOT JOKING AROUND, CROCKER. **

**uu: I'VE UNLOCKED A BUNCH OF YOUR SCREENS. AND SPENT A LOT OF TIME WATCHING YOU. **

**uu: WHILE THINKING. JUST. **

**uu: THE *DIIIIRTIEST* THOUGHTS. **

**uu: HEE HEE. HAA. **

**GG: Eww.**

**GG: You pig.**

**uu: THE OTHER FEMALE TOO. LET'S NOT FORGET YOUR SQUAD'S BACKUP BITCH. **

**uu: HOW NASTY IS SHE? JUST SO FOUL. AND THE THINGS YOU GET UP TO WITH ONE ANOTHER. OH MY. **

**uu: NEED I EVEN CITE THE ALTERCATION WITH YOUR PUFFY SLUMBER LOAVES? **

**GG: Excuse me?**

**uu: MY COMPLIMENTS IN PARTICULAR. ON YOUR COLORFUL UNDERGARMENTS. **

**uu: WHILE BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON THE SOFT HUMAN SARSWAPAGUS. **

**GG: Oh, that's just great.**

**GG: The ONE TIME we had a generic girly pillow fight, and it turns out some pervert was watching us.**

**GG: I think I need a shower.**

**GG: Assuming I can ever take one again in peace!**

**uu: DON'T WORRY. YOU CAN'T. **

**uu: BUT SERIOUSLY. JANE. CAN I CALL YOU JANE? BITCH, LISTEN. **

**uu: YOU ARE ONE GRODY HARLOT. WHICH MEANS GOOD (BAD) THINGS TO ME, LET'S REMEMBER. **

**uu: WHEN I UNLOCKED YOU. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'VE CHANGED? OR MAYBE JUST YOU. SINCE YOU TURNED OLDER. BUT YOU'VE REALLY. **

**uu: FILLED OUT. **

**uu: SINCE I LAST SAW YOU BEFORE. **

**GG: What?**

**GG: ...**

**GG: Really?**

**uu: HELL YES. **

**uu: I DO ENJOY A MEATY BITCH. WITH A LITTLE CLOUT. **

**GG: What do you mean, exactly...**

**GG: By "clout?"**

**uu: OH. I THINK YOU KNOW. **

**uu: WHEN PHYSICAL PORTIONS OF THE BITCH. KIND OF JUT OUT. EXUBERANTLY. **

**GG: Do you mean...**

**GG: My...**

**GG: Why am I even having this conversation!**

**uu: I JUST HAVE A WEAK SPOT. FOR THE ABOVE AVERAGE HEFT OF YOUR PARTS. WHICH WOBBLE THE MOST. **

**uu: NOW DO SOMETHING NAUSEATING FOR ME TO WATCH. **

**uu: I WANT TO SEE A TAWDRY ACT OF HARD CORE SCHMALTZ. **

**uu: SEE THAT ROCK OVER THERE. PRETEND IT IS THE OTHER INSOLENT BITCH. **

**uu: ACT A LITTLE NERVOUS. WITH YOUR IDLE HAND, GRAZE ONE OF YOUR MORE BULBOUS LOCATIONS "INCIDENTALLY". **

**uu: THEN ASK THE ROCK IF IT WANTS TO FALL IN LOVE! OOOOOOOH. **

**GG: What? No!**

**GG: Are you insane?**

**GG: I don't care where you are, or whatever the hell it is you "unlocked" to spy on me.**

**GG: You aren't allowed to sit there all day leering at my boobs!**

**uu: YOUR WHAT. **

**GG: My... what?**

**GG: Wait, what were YOU talking about?**

**uu: NO. TELL ME WHAT THOSE THINGS YOU SAID ARE. I'M SO ENTICED!**

**GG: Screw you!**

**GG: Tell me what you were getting at with all that!**

**GG: The stuff about "clout," and my "bulbous locations."**

**uu: I WAS JUST SAYING. MY TASTE PREFERS. **

**uu: WHEN THE BUXOM SHREW'S PHYSIQUE PUTS A HEALTHY DENT IN SPACETIME. **

**GG: Spacetime?**

**uu: I LIKE HOW SALTY IT IS. WHEN A BITCH GROWS OUT OF HER SKELETAL PHASE. **

**uu: AND HER FRAME REALLY BEGINS TO CHALLENGE THE HORIZONTAL DIMENSIONS. **

**GG: **_**WHAT!**_

**uu: WHEN THE FEMALE RUMP STARTS GETTING MORE MILEAGE OUT OF ITS WIDENESS ATTRIBUTE. MORE BANG FOR ITS BOONBUCK! **

**uu: IT EXCITES ME BETTER. WHEN BITCHES PUNISH THE GROUND. WITH EACH MEGALITHIC FOOTSTEP. **

**GG: **_**SHUT UP!**_

**GG: **_**I'M NOT FAT!**_

**uu: JANE BITCH. I HAVE NEW ORDERS. **

**uu: YOU WILL STRIP TO THE SCANTY PAIR OF PARTY PANTS AND THE CLOTH CHEST PIECE WHICH YOU WEAR UNDER THOSE PLAIN RAGS. **

**uu: THEN FIND A NAUGHTY PATCH OF MUD. **

**uu: AND ROLL AROUND IN THE MUD. LIKE AN EARTH PIG. **

**uu: FLAUNTING FOR ME. YOUR SLIPPERY AND SWOLLEN PORCINE PHYSICALITY. **

**uu: AND MAYBE GRUNT SOME DECADENT POEMS THROUGH YOUR SNOUT. ABOUT SOME SHITFACE YOU "ADOREFJSDKLJJF". **

**uu: OOOOH YES. **

**uu: THAT WOULD BE. **

**uu: *WRRRRETCHED!* **

**GG: **_**GO FUCK YOURSELF!**_

**uu: WAIT! DON'T SHUT ME OUT. **

**uu: REMEMBER WHAT I SAID. ABOUT OUR DIFFERENT CULTURES OR WHATEVER. **

**uu: HAVE A FUCKING OPEN MIND, JANE. **

**uu: I MADE YOU A PRESENT. FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY. WHATEVER THAT ACTUALLY IS. **

**uu: SEE HOW I'M MAKING AN EFFORT TO UNDERSTAND YOUR CUSTOMS? **

**uu: MEET ME HALF OF THE GODDAMN WAY. **

**GG: Oh cripes.**

**GG: What is it?**

**uu: A SUBLIME ARTISTIC PORTRAIT. **

**uu: REMEMBER HOW I SAID MY POWER WAS GROWING WITH EACH DAY. **

**uu: THIS APPLIES AS WELL TO MY PROWESS AS A DRAFTSMAN. **

**GG: Oh goodness, no. You poor delusional thing.**

**GG: I don't care what progress you think you've made. You will never be a good artist, dear.**

**uu: HORSESHIT. **

**uu: MY ILLUSTRATION IS STUNNING. IT IS NEARLY A PHOTOGRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF YOUR ODIOUS MILKSHAKE. **

**uu: NOW PARK THE INDUSTRIAL LOAD OF FREIGHT YOU DECLARE A BOTTOM. AND FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY FUCKING EXCELLENCE! **

He sent her a drawing of a shittily drawn circle made of right angles with the words "**FAT UGLY WHORE.**" in the center of it.

**GG: Groan.**

**uu: I BELIEVE I HAVE CHOSEN THE PERFECT SHAPE FOR YOU. **

**uu: IT IS DESCRIBED IN CERTAIN CIRCLES KNOWLEDGEABLE OF THE ARTS. AS. "A CIRCLE". **

**uu: I AM VERY PLEASED WITH HOW FAITHFULLY IT HAS CAPTURED THE OBSCENE ROTUNDITY. OF YOUR MAGNIFICENT CARRIAGE. **

**uu: TRULY A SPITTING IMAGE OF THE CROCKER BITCH. **

**uu: NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY. YOU MAY LEARN SOMETHING. **

**uu: THE MASTERPIECE AFICIONADO WILL NOTICE. HOW I ACHIEVED THIS HIGHLY ADVANCED AND DIFFICULT SHAPE. **

**uu: WHAT MOST GIFTED ARTISANS WILL TELL YOU. IS THAT. CIRCLES ARE BASICALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW. **

**uu: TRUST ME. **

**uu: IT'S LIKE A PARADOX. A SHAPE WITHOUT ANGLES. WHAT? **

**uu: SO I FUCKING CHEATED. **

**uu: I NAVIGATED THE IRRATIONAL PERIMETER BY MAKING A LOT OF EASILY UNDERSTANDABLE, TOTALLY LOGICAL MARKS. FORMING A WHOLE BUNCH OF LITTLE RIGHT ANGLES. **

**uu: THE CHEATING PART HAPPENS WHEN I DO THIS A LOT. SO IT GOES IN A ROUND DIRECTION. **

**uu: THIS ONE CAME OUT WELL I THINK. BUT THERE'S ROOM TO IMPROVE. **

**uu: I HAVE THEORIZED THAT IF I KEEP MAKING BOGUS CIRCLES LIKE THIS. **

**uu: WHILE DRAWING MORE AND MORE ANGLES. BUT SMALLER. SO SMALL THAT YOU START CAN'T SEEING THEM. **

**uu: THAT THE ILLUSION OF THE CIRCLE WILL BE COMPLETE! AND PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE IN THE FAKE CIRCLE. LIKE A BUNCH OF SUCKERS. **

**uu: I BET NOBODY HAS THOUGHT OF THAT CIRCLE STRATEGY. I THINK I'M THE FIRST AT THIS IDEA. AND BEST AT IT ALREADY. **

**uu: PEOPLE THINK I'M DUMB. ESPECIALLY THE VOICE IN MY HEAD. **

**uu: AND THEY MAY BE RIGHT ABOUT ME BEING DUMB. **

**uu: BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THE SPECIAL WAY I DO THINGS. WHICH IS ALWAYS ACTUALLY. THE PERFECT WAY. **

**uu: I AM. **

**uu: A GENIUS!**

Jane growled at her computer.

**GG: That is the most pointless and incomprehensible load of drivel I have ever read.**

**GG: Your "portrait" is every bit as abysmal as I was expecting. And for the last time. I AM NOT FAT.**

**GG: I think your claims of attraction to heavyset women, which you present as "flattery," is an obvious ruse to get me to feel insecure about my appearance, and it isn't going to work!**

**uu: OINK.**

**GG: SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE!**

**GG: UGH, THIS BIRTHDAY IS SO AWFUL! I CAN'T STAND IT!**

**GG: WHY IS EVERYONE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT TODAY?**

**GG: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!**

**uu: YOU WERE. WAIT. WHAT'S THE CONJUGATION ASSOCIATED WITH "HUMAN BIRTH"?**

**uu: IS IT. HUMAN BORTH?**

**uu: YOU WERE HUMAN BORTH.**

**GG: SHUT UP!**

**GG: I'M DONE HUMORING YOUR PERVERTED ADOLESCENT MIND GAMES!**

**GG: TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO CALLIOPE!**

**GG: CALLIOPE!**

**GG: WE WANT YOU BACK! PLEASE COME BACK AND SPARE US FROM THIS LECHEROUS NINCOMPOOP!**

**GG: **_**CALLIOPE!**_

**GG: WHY DOESN'T THIS WORK?!**

**uu: SAYING HER NAME ONLY WAKES HER UP. IF SHE'S ALIVE.**

**uu: SO YOUR HOG FACE CAN SNORT THE DIRTY SYLLABLES ALL IT WANTS. HELL, I WILL EVEN GIVE YOU A HAND!**

**uu: CALLIOPE! WAKE UP SIS!**

**uu: HAA HAA, WHOOPS. SHE CAN'T.**

**uu: THE BITCH IS DEAD!**

**GG: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!**

**uu: NO IT'S TRUE. I GOT SOMEBODY TO STAB HER A LOT.**

**uu: THEN I STOLE HER BLOOD FOR MY LETTERS.**

**GG: NO! THAT CAN'T BE TRUE! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE EVEN YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE!**

**uu: JANE BITCH. YOUR PREPOSTEROUS FEMALE EMOTIONS ARE GOING EARTH BANANAS AGAIN.**

**uu: SETTLE DOWN AND LISTEN TO BOY REASON. DO NOT MAKE ME DEMONSTRATE THE VERACITY OF MY FACTS. YET AGAIN.**

**uu: THAT SACCHARINE TRAMP IS SUCH A GONER. SHE'S NEVER COMING BACK.**

**uu: JUST LIKE YOUR DAPPER HUMAN GUARDIAN.**

**GG: WHAT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY FATHER!**

**GG: WHERE IS HE?**

**uu: HE'S FUCKING DEAD IS WHERE.**

**GG: YOU'RE LYING AGAIN!**

**GG: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!**

**uu: GOD. I'M TRYING TO.**

**uu: MY FACTS ARE HAVING DIFFICULTY PENETRATING YOUR HYSTERICAL ATTITUDE. LISTEN TO ME VERY CLOSE.**

**uu: HE WAS CAPTURED BY AN AGENT SOON AFTER YOU BEGAN YOUR QUEST. HE WAS THEN PUT IN JAIL ON DERSE.**

**GG: Ok...**

**GG: So he's on Derse, then?**

**uu: BITCH, YOU AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRISON SYSTEM ON DERSE?**

**uu: IT ISN'T LIKE THE SOFT TIME YOU DO ON PROSPIT. I BET YOU NEVER SPENT ANY TIME IN THE JOKE THEY CALL A SLAMMER THERE. LET ALONE ON DERSE.**

**GG: And I suppose you have?**

**uu: I WAS NOT VERY WELL BEHAVED. I DID MORE THAN MY SHARE OF TIME. CHAINED TO THE WALL OF A CELL.**

**uu: HEE HEE! LIKE I WASN'T SO USED TO THAT. I WAS LIKE. DO YOUR WORST.**

**uu: AND THEN THEY DID. DERSITES DO NOT TREAT THEIR PRISONERS GOOD. TO SAY THE LEAST!**

**uu: I WAS ONLY ABLE TO SURVIVE THE BRUTALITY. DUE TO MY EXCEPTIONAL CONSTITUTION. AND EVEN TO SOME EXTENT. MY ABILITY TO ENJOY ANGUISH.**

**uu: BUT YOUR PATHETIC, FRAIL HUMAN "DAD" IS A DIFFERENT STORY. THERE IS NO DOUBT AT ALL. THAT HE IS DEAD BY NOW!**

**GG: No. Don't say that. Shut up!**

She began to cry.

**uu: YOU REALLY SHOULD BELIEVE ME. I HAVE UNLOCKED MANY OF HIS SCREENS, JUST LIKE YOURS.**

**uu: YOU SHOULD SEE HOW THEY TREATED HIM! THE HORROR HE EXPERIENCED MUST BE DIFFICULT FOR A HUMAN GIRL TO IMAGINE.**

**uu: PERHAPS I SHOULD CAPTURE ONE OF THE VISUALS. AND SHOW YOU FIRST HAND?**

**GG: YOU BASTARD! I SAID SHUT UP!**

**uu: HIS AGONY WAS MAGNIFICENT. AND VERY LONG LASTING. YOU SEE. HE WAS A VIP.**

**uu: A VERY IMPORTANT PRISONER. SO THEY GAVE HIM SPECIAL TREATMENT.**

**uu: UNDER SUCH CRUEL CIRCUMSTANCES. I BELIEVE HE WOULD HAVE TRADED HIS FAVORITE HAT. FOR A SWIFT END TO HIS HILARIOUS SUFFERING!**

**GG: STOP IT**

**uu: BUT IT WAS SO WONDERFUL AND GREAT TO WATCH!**

**uu: BETWEEN YOUR FATHER'S DEMISE. AND HIS DAUGHTER'S EPIC POSTERIOR. LOOMING LARGE ON MY VIDEO DISPLAYS.**

**uu: I REALLY MUST THANK YOUR ENTIRE "FAMILY". FOR HOURS OF SCANDALOUS ENJOYMENT!**

**GG: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!**

**GG: FUCK YOU! HE'S NOT DEAD! **

**GG: MY DAD'S FINE, I'M NOT FAT, AND I HATE YOU! I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN! **

**GG: **_**AND STOP WATCHING ME!**_

She dropped her laptop to the ground and stomped it to pieces, then ran sobbing to her house.


	239. Book 14 Chapter 8: Serious Business

Chapter 8: Serious Business

"Let's see what's in the news today." Diamonds Droog examined his copy of _The Enquiring Carapacian_. The headline read "**JAILGATE (Day 153)**: DIPLOMATIC GRIDLOCK! WHITE SHELL MENDACITY AT ALL TIME HIGH."

No surprise there. The archagent was dominating the headlines, yet again. Already approaching day 154 of this debacle. It was a big day for his kingdom. Hard to believe it was here already. Time sure flew when he was being smooth and well dressed.

The article covered the usual tedious politics surrounding the negotiation of his release. After weeks of posturing and grandstanding, Prospit's terms had been bargained down to a polite apology, signed by the Condesce herself. Or those were the terms he'd last been aware of. He checked to see if there had been any further developments. Yeah, just as he'd thought. She'd refused those terms. Prospit had then countered with a new offer. The apology no longer had to be polite.

No way she cottoned to that proposal either. It was quite obvious to DD what was going on here. The white queen had never really been taking this negotiation seriously. She had been submitting frivolous proposals which she knew perfectly well the Condesce would refuse on principle, daring her in front of the whole kingdom to swallow just an ounce of pride to get her agent back. This made her look petty in the tabloids if she refused, which was always inevitable. Because as everyone knew, a queen was a vain creature. Even alien sea queens. And he'd thought the kingdoms had been locked in a stalemate BEFORE new management had taken over.

The press had run the story so far into the ground, DD could barely bring himself to keep up with it anymore. Sensationalism at its finest. Not that he was really itching to see Noir get his old job back. Talk about a high strung boss. The time in the clink should do him good. Like a forced vacation, with accommodations nearly on par with a five star hotel on Derse. Frankly, things ran much smoother around here without him blowing his gasket every other day.

Though he would say he could really use the boss's expertise as a pencil pusher. DD had never known anyone who could file paperwork quite like Noir. Sure he complained bitterly about his desk job, but in truth he was always a reluctant savant of bureaucratic procedure and red tape. Now Droog was getting buried in all these damn tax forms and parking tickets. Maybe he should have them shuttled to his jail cell on Prospit so Jack could catch up? DD had a feeling the Prospitian authorities would be willing to oblige. Actually, that was such a good idea, he couldn't believe you hadn't thought of it sooner. He'd have to get the Droll on that pronto.

He stepped over to his cubicle of fenestrated walls, which he'd had replaced since the Prince had trashed the old ones. He'd ordered the Droll to sneak off to one of the Nobles' worlds and whip up some fresh ones, with a few alchemical upgrades while he was at it. The Droll wasn't really the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was certainly the most versatile. Also the most eager to please. If he had to watch the guy's happy umbrella dance one more time, he swore to God…

That had been a black day for Derse, went the Prince had gone rogue. Well not rogue. That was a bad choice of words. Why did the damn moon girl have to be a Rogue? Cornered him into that pun every time. And it wasn't really a black day either, per se, since on Derse a black day was actually a good day. Everyone was a pretty big fan of black round these parts. The point was, everything had gone to shit. He'd like to think he'd taught those seditious brats a lesson though. What with the miles. Their inescapability. Etcetera.

And it was a good thing he'd taught them a lesson when he had. Because the next day, the Condesce had had new orders for all agents. Engaging the Nobles was thereafter strictly forbidden. No more sabotage, assassination attempts, any of that good stuff. Not until the heiress' wiggling day. Then all bets were off. Who was the heiress and was a wriggling day, he'd asked. The heiress was the Maid. Ok, Droog had said. And her wiggling day? That was just her birthday, but phrased in alien. Like the anniversary of the day she'd been spawned, but with cake and all that jazz. Come on, use your brain. Alright, got it, Droog had said.

Anyway, that was tomorrow.

DD's guess was the orders had come down from her boss, who from what he'd gathered, was even more of a headcase than his presently incarcerated superior. When she started kicking up a fuss, yelling at people, forking any poor slob unfortunate enough to make a misstep while grooming her hair, he knew too well that was the frustration of an exasperated first officer. Would almost have made him feel sympathy for the witch, if he, like she, hadn't been clinically psychopathic.

She'd never copped to it, but he just knew she had some schemes on the side. Every good right hand is gonna have something up its sleeve, some sort of contingency plan the boss doesn't know about. Trust him on that one. She was cooking something. It probably had something to do with the new prisoner she'd reeled in. He didn't know what she wanted with the girl yet, but she always had something cooking. Or baking. Whatever. The point was, the woman spent a lot of time in the kitchen.

Speaking of the new prisoner, he wondered how the old one was doing. He wasn't going to check on the new one. She was out of his jurisdiction. Like he'd said, the witch had her schemes. Whatever they were, he was going to leave that alone. He was more curious about the status of the fellow he'd captured 153 days ago.

DD took a stroll through the Derse penitentiary. This was where the gen pop was housed. For inmates life was usually unpleasant and short down here. But the moment he'd laid eyes on the human prisoner, he'd known he could never in good conscience lock him up in the dungeons and gulags with the common thieves, tax cheats and parking fee delinquents. That would have been a crime worse than those committed by all the inmates combined.

No, a man of such distinction and strong fashion sense needed special accommodations. A cell reserved for Very Important Prisoners.

He proceeded to the solitary confinement suite via elevator. Going up.

He arrived at the top and entered the cell. The prisoner appeared to be doing well. Droog asked if he could get him anything. Coffee? A newspaper? Additional smoking apparatus? The man indicated that since he'd lost his wallet, he'd been running low on pipe tobacco. DD said he'd see to it at once.

While this was a maximum security suite that was virtually impossible to escape from, Droog had made it clear to all personnel that anyone who harmed a hair on this man's head would have to answer to him. They were all very fortunate that the man's head didn't seem to have any. God DAMN he was good at shaving. DD was not afraid to admit his envy when it came to the gentleman's prowess with a straight edge, not even to speak of his natural ability to grow whiskers in the first place. The lucky stiff.

Droog could plainly see that the man was conducting some rather serious business with his mobile device. The network restricted access to within Derse only, so the man couldn't contact the Nobles and do anything sneaky. But at his request DD had set up a kingdom-wide network to trade online tips with other Dersites pertaining to his interests. Notably fashion.

In the weeks since his arrest, the captive had become something of a celebrity on Derse. His impeccable sense of business-like attire had taken the kingdom by storm, and now trended feverishly among social networking groups. Ok, there was only one social networking group, but it was trending feverishly in that one. Droog couldn't say he'd been totally impervious to the craze yourself. Nor could he say he wasn't shamelessly complicit in promoting it. Hell, he couldn't even say he hadn't mandated certain dress code modifications throughout the kingdom, enforced under penalty of death. Nope, he couldn't really say he could say any of that stuff.

**HATLIKER: ALL: HELP! NEED HELP. **

**1dapperblackshell: HATLIKER, state business **

**FineryFiend: HATLIKER: ? **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: HATLIKER i'm very concerned. tell me what is wrong. **

**pipefan413: YES, HATLIKER. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.**

**HATLIKER: I SAT ON MY FAVORITE HAT! **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: HATLIKER gasp **

**FineryFiend: HATLIKER ! **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: HATLIKER this is not a black day for you. my condolences. **

**HATLIKER: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. AFRAID HAT IS RUINED. **

**HATLIKER: PLEASE ADVISE. **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: HATLIKER are at least socks ok **

**HATLIKER: WANT_MORE_SOCKS YES, SOCKS ARE OK. **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: HATLIKER did you sit on socks too **

**HATLIKER: WANT_MORE_SOCKS NO. DID NOT SIT ON SOCKS. I DO NOT THINK SITTING ON SOCKS WOULD BE PROBLEM THOUGH? **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: HATLIKER no it is doubtful. fair enough. **

**1dapperblackshell: HATLIKER, need more information before can advise. please state your weight. **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: HATLIKER agreed. exactly how much vertical pressure was applied to top of the hat? **

**FineryFiend: HATLIKER: report extent of damage to hat. **

**HATLIKER: NOT SURE. HAT IN BAD SHAPE. DOES NOT RESEMBLE HAT MUCH ANYMORE. CONSIDERABLY LESS HANDSOME. **

**HATLIKER: MORE LIKE RUMPLED HEAD OBJECT NOW. **

**1dapperblackshell: HATLIKER, attempt to rectify hat integrity **

**1dapperblackshell: HATLIKER, use same blunt instrument which got you into mess in first place **

**HATLIKER: 1dapperblackshell THANK YOU FOR ADVICE. DO YOU MEAN MY BOTTOM. **

**1dapperblackshell: HATLIKER, y **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: HATLIKER yes agree w 1dapperblackshell **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: HATLIKER unsit on hat **

**FineryFiend: WANT_MORE_SOCKS can one unsit on a hat? **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: FineryFiend maybe, idk. **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: HATLIKER turn hat upside down, then sit on hat? **

**1dapperblackshell: HATLIKER, y, agree w ChuffedAboutDuds, sit on upside down hat to unrumple **

**pipefan413: HATLIKER. THESE MEN ARE LEADING YOU ASTRAY. SITTING ON THE HAT AGAIN WILL ONLY CAUSE IT FURTHER DAMAGE.**

**NoNeed4PantsThx: pipefan413, this will be the case even if the rumpled hat is inverted? **

**pipefan413: NoNeed4PantsThx. YES. THIS WILL BE THE CASE REGARDLESS OF THE HAT'S ORIENTATION.**

**FineryFiend: greatly respect pipefan413's knowledge of finery. i endorse his warning. **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: FineryFiend me too. **

**1dapperblackshell: FineryFiend so do i **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: on pipefan413's recommendation i withdraw my motion to unsit on the hat **

_**WANT_MORE_SOCKS changes status to APOLOGETIC.**_

**HATLIKER: WANT_MORE_SOCKS: OK I AM NOW REFRAINING FROM UNSITTING ON HAT. **

**HATLIKER: ALL: OTHER IDEAS? **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: HATLIKER yes. **

**HATLIKER: ChuffedAboutDuds: GO ON, ChuffedAboutDuds. **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: HATLIKER do you suppose it is possible that rumpled head object may have intrinsic value? **

**FineryFiend: ChuffedAboutDuds i do not understand. **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: FineryFiend thinking outside the shell here.**

**ChuffedAboutDuds: HATLIKER perhaps bring rumpled object to haberdasher for appraisal? **

**1dapperblackshell: ChuffedAboutDuds, u suspect damage from bottom has caused hat to appreciate? **

**FineryFiend: ChuffedAboutDuds fascinating point of speculation; i wonder. **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: ChuffedAboutDuds, if that is case, perhaps sitting on hat has released fashionable properties, heretofore concealed by unrumpled condition? **

**1dapperblackshell: NoNeed4PantsThx you are suggesting the damaged hat will look more dapper? **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: 1dapperblackshell, it is a possibility. **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: 1dapperblackshell oh what if HATLIKER struts in public wearing new rumpled head object with pride **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: ALL what if HATLIKER begins new fashion sensation? **

**FineryFiend: WANT_MORE_SOCKS what an exciting thing that would be. **

**HATLIKER: WANT_MORE_SOCKS I WANT TO BE POPULAR AND FAMOUS. BUT I DO NOT THINK I HAVE THE COURAGE. **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: HATLIKER what if you were to have company in wearing a damaged hat **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: WANT_MORE_SOCKS, yes, maybe i will sit on my favorite hat as well. **

**FineryFiend: NoNeed4PantsThx yes, me too. **

**1dapperblackshell: FineryFiend let us all create rumpled head objects; wear proudly **

**pipefan413: ALL. I CANNOT CONDONE THIS ACTIVITY, GENTLEMEN.**

**1dapperblackshell: pipefan413 why not pipefan413 **

**FineryFiend: pipefan413 why not? **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: pipefan413, why not? **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: pipefan413 why not **

**HATLIKER: pipefan413 WHY NOT pipefan413? **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: pipefan413 why not? **

**The Dignitary: HATLIKER: Incinerate the damaged hat immediately. **

**The Dignitary: HATLIKER: Do not ever wear such a thing in public. **

**FineryFiend: ! **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: BURN THE HAT! **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: BURN THE HAT! **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: BURN IT! **

**1dapperblackshell: BURN THE RUMPLED HAT! **

**HATLIKER: I AM BURNING THE HAT! **

**WANT_MORE_SOCKS: SITTING ON THE HAT WAS TERRIBLE! **

**NoNeed4PantsThx: BURN ALL RUMPLED HATS! **

**ChuffedAboutDuds: THEY AREN'T DAPPER AT ALL! **

**1dapperblackshell: BURN THE MISTAKE WITH FIRE!**

The Condesce sipped a can of Tab thoughtfully.

**)(IC: yo i cant deal w this prissy hat chat no more**

**)(IC: public works my ass what a waste of royal gold**

_**ChuffedAboutDuds changes status to BOWING.**_

_**WANT_MORE_SOCKS changes status to BOWING.**_

_**NoNeed4PantsThx changes status to BOWING.**_

_**FineryFiend changes status to BOWING.**_

_**HATLIKER changes status to BOWING.**_

_**1dapperblackshell changes status to BOWING.**_

**)(IC: this is what i get for lettin all proper dudes run shit instead of nasty clowns**

_**The Dignitary changes status to DOFFING HAT.**_

**)(IC: The Dignitary i want ma ring back motha fuck**


	240. Book 14 Chapter 9: Wizardy Herbert

Chapter 9: Wizardy Herbert

Years in the future, minus several, there was a storm. Roxy sat on her bed and picked up her wizardfic journal, **Wizardy Herbert**. She opened it to a random page.

**"i think you were supposed to just tackle him," beatrix said looking all kinds of put off.**

**wizardy herbert reached down to the body of the fictional camper he just shot and picked up the flag. "same difference."**

**"IS it?"**

**"this is some lame magical version of capture the flag. the book wanted me to capture the flag from him. the flag has now been captured. anyway, hes just a kind of brainless puppet."**

**"then what are we?" she asked.**

**"i dunno. brainless puppets whove spent a few years in the real world. kind of like everyone else, i suppose."**

**"jeez thats cynical. anyway, youre the one who said we should let the story play out the way its supposed to. im just pointing out your own rules."**

**"ehhh." herbert made a dismissive gesture with his smoking gun. "these punks were starting to get on my nerves. we're making progress anyway. see? listen to that. russets scene is coming up. if i remember right this is the one that introduces his recurring love interest. also i guess the chief bad guy. i mean, sorta."**

**she listened. there was yelling through the woods. it was coming closer.**

**"help! herb! bea! where are you?!"**

**the three serpenook scoundrells flew threw the**

**woods on there magic flying wooden hornses, they**

**were chasing poor russet. russet held onto the fort**

**crowsnest flag for deer life, he was a little scared,**

**but mostly brave, not afraid of those serpenook**

**cowards! they caught up with him and then they**

**knocked him down. his wand flew away out of reach**

**"hey clove not so tought are you with out your fancy**

**wand!" he was one of the serpenook boys and he**

**sounded quiite brash. another one said...**

**"you think your so hot with all your charm and good**

**looks, well lets do something about that pretty face,**

**ha ,ha ha" then they started beating him up.**

**"herbert - OW - will you do something? ****OWW****! sunuva. this cant be right!"**

**herbert aimed carefully with his beretta at the head of russets assailant. he was way serious and stone cold about it. he was not going to miss.**

**BANG.**

**he missed. beatrix was grabbing his arm redirecting his aim. "herbert you have to stop!"**

**"why beatrix" he said with a super sly smile. "if i didnt know better, id say you were taking some enjoyment from watchin your dear pal russets smackdown."**

**"what? no!" she didnt let go of his arm. but he wouldnt quit his douchey smile. she went on. "you cant just keep offing fictional characters. its... i dunno. irresponsible."**

**"yeah yeah."**

**"besides you know the scene is supposed to play out like this. russet is supposed to get rescued. how is he supposed to get rescued if the bullies are dead? you cant just go around changing things."**

**"i guess youre right." **

**herbert holstered his gun admiring a few more choice sucker punches to russets midriff. OOF. that onell leave a mark. beatrix regained her calm. "so whos this guy thats supposed to save him?" she asked. "you say hes the villain?"**

**"here he comes now."**

**a mystrerious and alluring voice came out of no**

**where... "go easy on him fellas, leave THIS one to**

**me!" it was so brash and arrogant, just the SOUND**

**of him made you mad. the boys stepped a side, the**

**leader of serpenook came forfward, russet was**

**bruised and soar. russet opened his eyes and saw**

**someone so handsome, he had never seen a boy so**

**intriguing and beutiful before. he had black hair and**

**glasses and about a hundred merit badges... **

**beatrix squinted at the serpenook boy. she didnt know why she couldnt see it coming. "grant?"**

**the boy stuped down and gave russet his hand to**

**take. he said "im afraid i have to take your flag from**

**you, you see it belongs to me and fort serpenook,**

**HOWVEVER." russet was very integued "i will**

**decide not to take your flag if you promise me a**

**favor later on from now." **

**"a favor?" russet said. but he was barely listening. the resemblance to his real life friend was uncanny. he was sure it was him. but here in this dumb prison he was no more than a soulless mannequin dreamt up to recite insipid horseshit. **

**"you have to promise me that when the time cones,**

**you will betray youre friends and help me!" he said**

**arragently. russet was out raged by this! and yet he**

**couldnt help but feel strongley drawn toward this**

**mangnificent handsome boy. russet said defiently...**

**actually he said it like a zombie. "never. ill never betray my friends."**

**"HE HE HE i should have known! you are trutely**

**loyal to your freinds as i expected as much. what is**

**your name?" **

**"russet" he whispered.**

**"please to meet you russet even if you ARE the**

**enemey. allow me to introduce myself." **

**the guy paused to remove his glasses and polished them on his sash. it came off as a seriously dramatic gesture, just as intended and also as explicitly stated in the text.**

**"my name is slinus. slinus marlevort."**

Roxy jumped ahead a little.

**herbert and beatrix were dressed in fanciful athletic gear. thats what kids wear when theyre about to embark on a journey to compete in some irrational magic SPORTS. herbert had tucked under his arm a big stitched up leather ball with golden springs poking out of it for no good god damn reason. it was called a skubbump. beatrix had propped on her shoulder this funnel thing to be worn as a glove called a gimmidge horn, a crucial appendage for any drudsel scooper worth her salt. theyd been selected probably for some valorous deeds they did to represent fort crowsnest in this highly whimsical SPORTS event. russet was there too, but he didnt get chosen to play in the SPORTS due to some poorly explained stuff that no reasonable person could possibly care about even if offered loads of cash. he was mainly jacked into the scene to wave goodbye and wish them luck which he begrudgingly did. **

**he also put in some time dodging questions and averting eye contact from his friends. he was being a champion at that. **

**"russet! answer me!" beatrix demanded. "why the heck didnt you tell us? or tell grant for that matter?" **

**herbert wasnt paying much attention. so russet was moody and cryptic and didnt tell people some stuff. what a bombshell. he worried at one of the springs poking out of his ridonkulous ball. it made a sproinging sound like a mouth harp and broke off. he wondered if the springs served any actual purpose. the springs did not serve any actual purpose. **

**"how could you keep something like that from everyone? that you knew all along?" **

**"i just wanted what was best for grant" he finally said. **

**she had tons of questions but couldnt settle on the next one to ask. she wasnt about to let good body language go to waste so she did kinda what mimes do when they dont like something you said. how long did he know grant was from this dogshit wizardfic? howd he escape in the first place? was it really his spell that sealed them here? how long had he been planning this? she guessed that would explain why he had an absurdly obvious pseudonym. grant anonama? yeah like THATS a real name. great job bro, or should she say SLINUS. she wondered if his bogus name wasnt an anagram for something. like a clue dangled under their noses. magic bad guys do love their anagrams. they are just so damn clever and when you finally figure them out its like whoa INSTANT MINDFUCK. **

**"hes quite a troubled person you know bea." **

**herbert looked up from his skubbump. "well if RUSSET thinks so, then..." **

**she gave up on the interrogation. when youre dealt a shit sandwich why go to war over who baked the bread. russet could stuff his dumb secrets in a sack for all she cared. what did she ever see in this moping tool? she never thought she would long for those times before they met. the old questing days before all this started. she was never exactly psyched to watch herbert assault a crazy old wizard with a pistol but now... ok she wasnt saying she wanted to see any more wizards get shot. she just meant she would trade all the badges in the world to go back to when things were simpler. **

**it was time to go. the narratives invisible conductor let them know with the arrival of a carriage. it was drawn by two floating, perfectly immobile wooden horses. herbert read this thing a hundred times but still couldnt understand the authors fascination with flying rigid wooden horses. **

**herbert held open the door with a bow and gestured her in with ironic chivalry. the text didnt let it go unsaid that was meant as a big fuck you to russet thus keeping their rivalry brewing, but in truth neither dude was feeling it this time. beatrix got in and they were off. rigid horses, carriage and all into the sky. they turned around in their seats and waved to russet below, because a poorly written sentence said they were supposed to. **

**beatrix smacked her forehead. **

**"'not an anagram'" she quoted from her brain. **

**"what?" he asked. **

**"that FUCKER"**

Roxy skipped to the end.

**herbert took a swipe at the clumsy yet elusive skubbump. the orb ducked under his arm and shambled on its way like a husky beetle with some stuff to do over there. the crowd of almost-people roared generically at the almost-snatch. the maneuver if successful would have locked the score at 'queen six love' which REALLY would have been just. WOW. somethin else. possibly exciting? herbert still didnt quite understand the rules for the game. and judging by the antics of all the other boobs on their floating wooden horses, the author didnt either. **

**herbert struggled to turn his horse around to pursue the skubbump, but his mount of rigid lumber was unresponsive. as much as he reminded himself he just couldnt get used to fact that the story was in control of the horse. dead ahead was the leagues elite drudsel scooper, who was fussing with the laces on her gimmidge horn while her horse idled. she looked up. **

**"herbert watch where youre going!" **

**"i cant. i think the book wants us to crash." **

**beatrix thought about it. she almost kicked the sides of her inert stallion to prod it along but caught herself. "do we really have to?" **

**herbert shrugged. another solid half minute of awkward horse advancement went by before the creaking oaken collision. herbert tumbled through the air and hit the grass pitch hard on his back. beatrix landed on top him. they found each other face to face. **

**"is she serious with this?" she asked regarding the hella subtle way the author decided to craft this situration*. situation. is was like, popetry in motion. plus hornses(?) **

**"im afaid* so. i think the story is builting romantic tension between us." **

**"it IS?" it was not a question. but a statement of major concorn. *cern **

**"yeah. it it establushing* the groundwork for romance beween our characaters. its sort of the one token heroterosexual** romance in the book. we probably jush have to ride it out" **

**beautrix dinit* dint kno whaf*T the felling of collor red wash... but **

**she cloun*cloud*COULD swear the fleling **

**she could swar **

**the felling **

***FEEEEling **

**ws crepping **

**ontoo. herrrrrf. **

**face. **

**(RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH DOINT WRITE WHILT DRONK U LUSHEY DUMBO)**

She decided to take her own advice. She'd just wait a few hours to sober up before continuing her heroes' metatextual adventures through an even crappier wizardfic than her own, which she'd written herself anyway. Contrary to what her loyal readership of zero may have believed, being impaired was not actually constructive to the process of engineering awful prose.

Well, it looked like her alien pal wanted to say hi anyway. Might as well pass the time chatting with her.

Her home suddenly lost power due to the storm. Which… made no sense? All devices in her house were powered by the portable green hubs she'd stolen from the lab. That was weird.

Her laptop continued to run on battery power regardless.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**UU: ...**

**TG: hey u!**

**TG: thanks god yuo just cherred me**

**TG: *cheered**

**TG: you saved me frog myself**

**TG: from manking more rude crimez**

**TG: agoinst LILTERTATURE**

**TG: ***dyurp**

**TG: see hat i mean?**

**UU: ...**

**TG: h mmmm,**

**TG: yeha uh**

**TG: calliopep?**

**TG: what gives**

**TG: wait**

**TG: howww...**

**TG: do i know your name?**

**TG: i donk remenber you telling it to me**

**TG: bus somehow i kno**

**TG: its calliope**

**UU: ...**

**TG: say something!**

**TG: man i am drunk enough without havin to solve ur dot puzzles**

**TG: um**

**TG: am i even drunk?**

**TG: actually**

**TG: i dont think so**

**TG: why did i think i was?**

**TG: what is happening here**

**TG: calliope talk 2 me!**

**UU: ...**

There was a crackling sound from her fenestrated wall faux window.

**TG: huh?**

**TG: what was that**

**TG: thought i heard somethin**

She stood up and peeked through the window.

**TG: is there something out here?**

**TG: how is that possible**

**TG: when the window has no power**

She looked up into the black through the window and saw a multicolored crack spreading through the darkness.

**TG: wtf is that**

**TG: it is like **

**TG: a technicolor dreamcrack **

**TG: in the spooky void **

**UU: ...**

She turned to face the other direction.

**TG: and what is THAT**

A small light drew near.

**TG: is it…**

The light was in the shape of a spiral.

**TG: could it be…**

**TG: OH MY GOD ITS TWINKLY HERBERT **

**TG: ;D **

**TG: haha what a pal, all comin to see me from infinite nowhere**

Twinkly Herbert alighted on her finger.

**TG: twinkly herb i didnt expect to find u here**

**TG: actually where do i know you from?**

**TG: this is driving me crazy when did we meet**

**UU: ... !**

**TG: callie goddammit cant you see im catching up w a good friend**

**TG: if you wanna join the conversation feel free to start speaking in something other than a load of dots**

**UU: ... ... ... ... ... ... !**

**TG: oh**

**TG: "shhhhh"?**

**TG: heh sry**

**TG: had no idea u were saying shush**

**TG: (but ok ill be quiet)**

**UU: - ... .- -. -.- / -.- - ..- ! (THANK YOU!)**

**TG: (no probs)**

**TG: (um)**

**TG: (i also got no idea why i can suddenly understand morse code)**

**TG: (which...)**

**TG: (u are all butt blinkin me thru twinkly?)**

**TG: (idgi)**

**UU: - ... . / ... ... - .-. - / .- -. ... .- . .-. / .. ... -..- / -.- - ..- / .- .-. . / ... .- ...- .. -. -. / .- / -.. .-. . .- - (THE SHORT ANSWER IS, YOU ARE HAVING A DREAM)**


	241. Book 14 Chapter 10: Dead Cherub

Chapter 10: Dead Cherub

**UU: - ... . .-. . / .- .. .-.. .-.. / -... . / .-. .-.. . -. - -.- / - ..-. / - .. - . / - - / - .- .-.. -.- / ... - - -. -..- / -... ..- - / .-.. . - .-. ... / .-. .-.. . .- ... . / -.- . . .-. / .- / .-.. - .- / .-. .-. - ..-. .. .-.. . / ..-. - .-. / -. - .- (THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF TIME TO TALK SOON, BUT LET'S PLEASE KEEP A LOW PROFILE FOR NOW)**

**TG: (ok fair enough)**

**TG: (this is a dream)**

**TG: (now shit kinda starts making sense)**

**TG: (your soul is like)**

**TG: (presenting itself to my subconscious in the form of twinkly herbert)**

**TG: (or uhh)**

**TG: (maybe your soul was always in twinkly or)**

**TG: (oh man)**

**TG: (theories are hard i am being an embarrassment to science here)**

**TG: (so...)**

**TG: (whoops omg dont mistake my dots 4 letters k callie/twinkly)**

**UU: ..- ~ ..- (u~u)**

**TG: (lol)**

**TG: (but uh)**

**TG: (what exactly are we being quiet for)**

**UU: ... - / - -.- / -... .-. - - ... . .-. / -.. - . ... -. .-. - / ... . .- .-. / ..- ... (SO MY BROTHER DOESN'T HEAR US)**

**TG: (oh noes you mean hes here?)**

**TG: (already?)**

**UU: -.- . ... (YES)**

**UU: ... . / .. ... / .-. .- ... ... .. -. -. / -. . .- .-. -... -.- / .- ... .. .-.. . / -.. - .. -. -. / -.. .- - .- -. . / - - / - ... . / ..-. ..- .-. - ... . ... - / .-. .. -. -. (HE IS PASSING NEARBY WHILE DOING DAMAGE TO THE FURTHEST RING)**

**UU: ... . / .. ... / ..-. - .-.. .-.. - .- .. -. -. / .- / .-.. .- .-. -. . / .-. .- .-. - -.- / - ..-. / -. ... - ... - ... -..- / .. -. / ... - .-. . ... / - ... . -.- / .- .. .-.. .-.. / .-.. . .- -.. / ... .. - / - - / - . (HE IS FOLLOWING A LARGE PARTY OF GHOSTS, IN HOPES THEY WILL LEAD HIM TO ME)**

**UU: ... .. ... / .. -. - . -. - / .. ... / - - / -.. . ... - .-. - -.- / - -.- / ... - ..- .-.. / ..- _ ..- (HIS INTENT IS TO DESTROY MY SOUL utu)**

**TG: (aw dang)**

**TG: (well dont worry callie)**

**TG: (i wont let your bro kill your soul!)**

**UU: -.- - ..- / .- .-. . / ...- . .-. -.- / ... .- . . - .-.-.- / .. / - .. ... ... . -.. / -.- - ..- -..- / .-. - -..- -.- .-.-.- (YOU ARE VERY SWEET. I MISSED YOU, ROXY.)**

**UU: -... ..- - / - ... . .-. . / .. ... / -. - - / - ..- -.-. ... / -.- - ..- / -.-. .- -. / -.. - / .- - / - ... . / - - - . -. - -..- / - - ... . .-. / - ... .- -. / .-. . - .- .. -. / -.. .. ... -.-. .-. . . - .-.-.- (BUT THERE IS NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO AT THE MOMENT, OTHER THAN REMAIN DISCREET.)**

**UU: .-.. . - .-. ... / -.-. - -. - .. -. ..- . / - ... .. ... / . .-.. ... . .- ... . .-. . .-.-.- / ..-. - .-.. .-.. - .- / - . ! (LET'S CONTINUE THIS ELSEWHERE. FOLLOW ME!)**

**TG: (ok)**

**TG: (where are we goin?)**

Twinkly Herbert passed through the door to Roxy's bedroom.

**TG: (hey wait for me!)**

She opened the door and followed after the firefly.

**TG: (the fuck?) **

**TG: (what happened to my house) **

**TG: (some stuff is different) **

**TG: (i dont remember this) **

**TG: (callie do you know whats going on) **

**UU: -. - (NO)**

**UU: -... ..- - / .-.. . - .-. ... / -.- . . .-. / -. - .. -. -. (BUT LET'S KEEP GOING)**

**TG: (and what am i even wearing) **

**TG: (what are these clothes?) **

**UU: .. - / .- .-. .-. . .- .-. ... / - - / -... . / - ... . / - ..- - ..-. .. - / - ..-. / .- / ..-. .- ... ... .. - -. .- -... .-.. . / ... -.-. .. . -. -.-. . / .- - - .- -. ?** **(IT APPEARS TO BE THE OUTFIT OF A FASHIONABLE SCIENCE WOMAN?)**

**TG: (oh yeah) **

**TG: (like a sexy science lady suit) **

**TG: (thats p cool i guess)**

Next to the door was a painting of a wizard surrounded by unicorns.

**TG: (hello and what have we here)**

**TG: (... omigod)**

**TG: (ohhhhhhhhmygawd) **

**TG: (DAT WIZARD)**

**TG: (heck yes) **

**TG: (hes so perf) **

**TG: (callie check him out) **

**UU: ..- - (UM)**

**TG: (that aint even a painting) **

**TG: (ahaha its so shitty) **

**TG: (did someone like) **

**TG: (grab a random ass low res wallpaper off the internet) **

**TG: (of a jolly wizard doing what appears 2 be the worlds dumbest spell) **

**TG: (and saved at low quality then just like) **

**TG: (printed it way too huge) **

**TG: (lmao) **

**UU: -... ..- (:u)**

**TG: (its not even scaled proportionately) **

**TG: (its stretched extra wide to fit this expensive as fuck frame) **

**TG: (is that shit like) **

**TG: (literal solid gold) **

**TG: (ahahahahah i cant even deal) **

**TG: (whoever did this was a wonderful genius) **

**UU: -.- . ... -..- / -... ..- - / .- . / ... .- ...- . / - - / -. - ! (YES, BUT WE HAVE TO GO!)**

**TG: (yeah im coming!) **

**TG: (sheesh callie) **

**TG: (u got to stop and sniff some roses now and then) **

**TG: (by which i mean) **

**TG: (ogle some garish wall wizards) **

**TG: (such are the simple joys of life) **

**TG: (anyway in conclusion and in summary) **

**TG: (daaat) **

**TG: (wizzerd)**

She crossed the hall, stumbling upon yet another wizard.

**TG: (booyes)**

**TG: (more choice 'zards)**

**TG: (dont worry i wont stand around fangirling over these ones)**

**TG: (well maybe for a second)**

**TG: (lookit that one)**

**TG: (dude means business with his resplendent beam of pure white superstition)**

**TG: (hey wait)**

**TG: (youre getting away from me!)**

**UU: - ... . -. / ... ..- .-. .-. -.- / ..- .-. ! (THEN HURRY UP!)**

**TG: (hold on)**

**TG: (what was that)**

**TG: (callie hang on)**

**TG: (is there someone else in here)**

A flash of lightning illuminated the side hallway, revealing the hazy form of The Condesce.

**TG: (callie wait...) **

**TG: (calliope!) **

**TG: (was that...) **

**UU: - ... .. ... / .- .- -.- ! (THIS WAY!)**

**TG: (is she here?)**

**TG: (is the batterwitch here in my house?)**

**UU: .-. . - . - -... . .-. -..- / -.- - ..- .-. .-. . / - -. .-.. -.- / -.. .-. . .- - .. -. -. (REMEMBER, YOU'RE ONLY DREAMING)**

**UU: .- .-.. .-.. / - ... .- - / -.- - ..- / ... . . / .. ... / -.-. - - .. -. -. / ..-. .-. - - / -.- - ..- .-. / - . - - .-. .. . ... / .- -. -.. / ... ..- -... -.-. - -. ... -.-. .. - ..- … (ALL THAT YOU SEE IS COMING FROM YOUR MEMORIES AND SUBCONSCIOUS)**

**TG: (ok)**

**TG: (i will keep tellin myself that)**

**TG: (it is only a dream)**

**TG: (it is only a dream)**

**TG: (ugh)**

**TG: (my dream nerves are a wreck)**

**TG: (hm i wonder if my dream house has any dream booze...)**

**TG: (NO!)**

**TG: (bad dream roxy)**

**TG: (must not)**

**TG: (fall off)**

**TG: (THE DREAM WAGON!)**

**UU: ... ... ... ... ... ... ! (SHHHHH!)**

They arrived at the door that led up to the observatory.

**UU: - ... .-. - ..- -. ... / ... . .-. . (THROUGH HERE)**

**TG: (kay after u)**

**UU: .- . / .- .. .-.. .-.. / ... .- ...- . / - - .-. . / .-. .-. .. ...- .- -.-. -.- / ... . .-. . (WE WILL HAVE MORE PRIVACY HERE)**

**TG: (more privacy?)**

**TG: (you mean in the observatory?)**

**UU: -. - - / . -..- .- -.-. - .-.. -.- (NOT EXACTLY)**

Roxy and the firefly passed through the door into a sketched world. The other side of the door was a large wall in the shape of the SBURB logo. On the ground in front of the wall were drawn flowers. Roxy walked along a white spiralling road towards the center of it, finding that it grew as she walked deeper into it. She ended in the center.

Calliope stood behind her, but when Roxy turned around, she assumed the visage of her trollsona, Callie Ohpeee.

**UU: hello!**

**TG: !**

**TG: ...**

**TG: calliope?**

**TG: that u**

**UU: yes, it is i! **

**TG: holy shit**

**TG: the most pious and reverential of shits**

**TG: turd in a church callie**

**TG: you startled me!**

**UU: sorry! :u **

**TG: but yeah so**

**TG: hey!**

**TG: nice 2 finally meet you**

**TG: wow wee ur pretty**

**TG: so when you said you werent good looking it turns out that was a bunch of baloney?**

**UU: no, roxy. i am afraid it was not a helping of yoUr delicioUs earth baloney. **

**TG: aw dont say that**

**TG: also you said you were a cherub**

**TG: but if i am not mistaken you appear to be a troll**

**TG: unless cherubs actually look like trolls?**

**UU: alas, we do not. **

**UU: this is not my trUe appearance. i have taken the form of my trollsona. **

**UU: i wanted to look more presentable for oUr meetUp. UnfortUnately my trUe visage woUld likely repUlse or frighten yoU. **

**UU: that is not the first impression i woUld like to make. **

**TG: girl please**

**TG: trust me theres nothing you could look like that would make me scared of you or grossed out**

**TG: i am your friend and i know youre nice inside no matter what, so**

**TG: could i see the real u?**

**UU: that is so kind of yoU to say. i can believe that a lovely person like yoU woUld be able to stop herself from recoiling at the sight of my monstroUs face. **

**UU: bUt it is oUt of the qUestion. i am mUch more comfortable appearing to yoU this way. **

**UU: really it has more to do with my own dissatisfaction with the way i look than any lack of trUst in yoUr character. **

**UU: yoU Understand, don't yoU? **

**TG: yes**

**TG: its ok callie you can go on keep being a cute troll**

**TG: im just happy to see you**

**UU: likewise! **

**UU: i wish it coUld be Under better circUmstances thoUgh. **

**UU: we may not have mUch time here. **

**TG: wheres here exactly**

**TG: am i still dreamin?**

**UU: yes. i have led yoU to a dream bUbble of my own design. **

**UU: my imagination and thoUghts dictate what yoU see here. **

**UU: as i told yoU earlier, my brother is hUnting for me. so i have created a little sanctUary in space to stay hidden from him. **

**UU: that is why i coUld not speak to yoU earlier. not oUt loUd at least. he is highly sensitive to my presence, so it is very easy for me to get his attention if i'm not carefUl. **

**UU: bUt as long as we stand in the centre of this vortex, we may speak as loUdly as we like! no information can escape this dark pocket, so long as i maintain it. **

**UU: and seeing as yoU are a hero of void, yoU make an ideal gUest to bring home for one who wishes to remain hidden. thoUgh i will say the fact that yoU are my best friend is a lovely bonUs. ^u^ **

**TG: best bonus!**

**TG: 4 real though its so nice to finally see you no matter what you make urself look like**

**TG: ive wanted to tell you all about whats been going on with me and my friends since we got together**

**TG: its been so fun hangin with them even in spite of lets be frank, some truly SELECT teen drama**

**TG: mmmm see how im kissin my two pinched fingers here? mwah it was like that**

**TG: the embarrassing teenanigans have been SUMPTUOUS and come highly recommended**

**TG: no but really its been great, and after some time irl with them it started feelin weird to think we were ever even apart**

**TG: yet sadly it was not complete because the moment i met them all was also the moment i totally lost touch with my other cool bffsy from THE WEBS**

**TG: i tried calling and calling your name but you never answered**

**UU: i know. **

**UU: i am sorry. u_u **

**TG: dont be sorry i knew youda answered if you could have**

**TG: i guess maybe you hid yourself so deep in this dream i couldnt wake ya?**

**TG: damn this must have sucked spending all this time here hiding from your asshole brother**

**TG: like i know hes a dick i talked to him enough times to get that but**

**TG: whys he tryin to kill u so bad?**

**UU: he is not trying to kill me. **

**UU: he has already sUcceeded at that.**

Neither of them noticed the arm sticking out of the mysterious blue portal in the ground (there's only one more mysterious arm after this, I promise!).

**UU: on the day he foUnd a way to kill my dream self, i was done for. thoUgh to be honest, i doUbt i'd have fared mUch better regardless.**

**UU: i think his half was always meant to predominate.**

**UU: my will was simply not strong enoUgh to overcome his. yoU know as well as i how stUbborn he is. i don't think he has ever had even a smidgen of doUbt in his thoUghts, or remorse for his deeds. whereas i was always plagUed by sUch feelings.**

**UU: on some level i always knew he woUld win. bUt i fooled myself. i thoUght i coUld overcome his ego by looking beyond his negative qUalities, staying optimistic, and working together with him in a game to accomplish something extraordinary.**

**UU: and that in doing so, perhaps i coUld begin to help him change. to teach him to evolve beyond his hatefUl natUre. and as he changed for the better, slowly but sUrely, he woUld become more like myself.**

**UU: that was how i thoUght i coUld predominate. it was how i was going to win! and really, if he grew closer to me in that way, by learning kindness and compassion, we both woUld have won. my predomination woUld not have meant his absolUte death, but oUr trUe Union.**

**UU: bUt sadly, i Underestimated how consUmed he was with the need to destroy me.**

**UU: now he is completely obsessed with finding my soUl and wiping me oUt for good, even if it means tearing apart the reality that sUrroUnds Us.**

**UU: he will never feel he has won Until all traces of me are gone.**

**TG: uuuugh**

**TG: hearing all that just makes me so unreasonably mad**

**TG: FUCK that shitlord**

**TG: i feel so bad knowing you died and there wasnt anything i could do**

**TG: no matter how much i said your name :(**

**UU: don't fret. yoU did all yoU coUld.**

**TG: isnt there some way we could bring you back**

**TG: some baller fuckin magic, or a bomb ass faeryspell**

**TG: i mean could we find an answer in like, for instance**

**TG: YE ENCHANTMENTES?**

**UU: very Unlikely.**

**TG: dangit**

**TG: ok then**

**TG: if i cant do that**

**TG: then i guess the next best thing would be**

**TG: to find your lil shit of a bro and feed him a steady diet of his own ass**

**UU: ^u^**

**TG: that is what we are supposed to do right**

**TG: i mean**

**TG: from what i gather**

**TG: the dude is ridicubad news**

**TG: just such brutal and stinky news**

**TG: so eventually somebodys got to kill him**

**TG: and that is probly us aint it?**

**UU: it's trUe that he deserves a comeUppance like few others.**

**UU: bUt slaying him is not actUally yoUr responsibility as heroes now.**

**UU: in fact, if anyone mUst bear that bUrden, it might be me.**

**TG: oh yeh?**

**UU: possibly.**

**UU: as we speak, there are hUndreds of soUls oUt here in the fUrthest ring working to defeat him.**

**UU: some search for a fabled treasUre. a weapon said to spell his certain demise.**

**UU: while others say that i myself am this weapon. :U**

**UU: and so they search for me.**

**UU: they band together in great nUmbers for this caUse, and attract his devastation in hopes of revealing the path to the weapon.**

**UU: while at the same time, they draw his attention away from me. and it is a good thing that they do.**

**UU: i mUst remain hidden from everyone for as long as i can.**

**TG: why?**

**TG: why not come out and be all like**

**TG: here i am yo its me! secret weapon ghost callie ;)**

**UU: becaUse i am no sUch thing!**

**UU: i was already Useless against my brother when he was jUst a brat who liked to tease me.**

**UU: now that he is an exceptionally mUscUlar and invincible adUlt, my chances are laUghable.**

**UU: no, if i am to contribUte, i need more time.**

**UU: i mUst go in search of my own weapon.**

**TG: what weapon?**

**UU: ironically, the same weapon which many of them are looking for.**

**UU: me!**

**TG: ?**

**UU: it's the only sliver of hope i have.**

**UU: i have reason to sUspect there may be another iteration of myself oUt here.**

**UU: one from a doomed timeline, who has kept hidden for a long time, jUst like i have.**

**UU: bUt Unlike me, she sUpposedly came from a reality where she predominated instead of my brother.**

**UU: and not by the means which i described. hers was not a mild Union of reconciliation.**

**UU: amazingly, her predomination was absolUte! a major feat of will, jUst as his was with me.**

**UU: as sUch, she went on to play the game, and...**

**UU: well, i cannot even imagine what followed, aside from the fact that she eventUally mUst have died for existing in an offshoot reality.**

**UU: if she exists, i woUld be eager to meet her. it woUld be a chance to get to know a version of myself who was strong enoUgh to override the will of my brother.**

**UU: someone i might have become if i had a little more coUrage. u_u**

**UU: and if she is sUch a person, then i really believe all i have heard mUst be trUe. i believe she is the key to defeating him.**

**UU: so i have no choice.**

**UU: i mUst go in search of myself.**


	242. Book 14 Chapter 11: Mom?

Chapter 11: Mom?

**TG: you sound like a real popular lady out here**

**TG: even you are looking for you!**

**UU: indeed.**

**TG: well i hope you can find her**

**TG: but**

**TG: if thats your job**

**TG: to find bizarro calliope and go wollop ur bro**

**TG: then what is our heroic biz?**

**UU: it's the same as it always was.**

**UU: to win the game.**

**TG: oh yeah**

**TG: duh**

**UU: it is as i once told jane.**

**UU: with victory yoU may finally exit this vast whirling storm.**

**UU: by claiming yoUr reward yoU woUld bring closUre to a very wide coil of caUsality, one not tracing a continUoUs path like a snake, bUt intricately woven like a wreath.**

**UU: a ring of coUntless little rises and falls, ascents and descents, on its way Up and down a pair of mUch bigger ones itself.**

**UU: from alpha to beta, then beta to alpha, as if a moUntain to be scaled and then climbed back down. its peak toUches the eye of a storm which cannot end Until the moment yoU all walk throUgh that door.**

**UU: only then will there be calm.**

**TG: ._.**

**UU: ah, bUgger. forgive me, sometimes i forget myself and begin speaking in riddles.**

**UU: it's jUst a habit that is in the natUre of my people.**

**TG: yeah i know**

**TG: at least yours r better than your bros stupid games**

**UU: don't remind me. in my opinion they do not qUalify as anything of the sort, mUch the same as his "shitty twists". :u**

**TG: so then from what im surmising here is we dont need to beat him to win our game**

**TG: like dealing with him directly is kinda out of our domain?**

**UU: as the one who provoked the breach in paradox space which i jUst coloUrfUlly described, he has always exerted his inflUence on yoUr realities from afar, and from many different angles. throUgh Unwitting sUrrogates, oUtsoUrced manipUlation, oUtright enslavement, and even petty harassment. bUt most of all, he prevails throUgh the simple inertia of inevitability that has always been on his side, as a lord of time.**

**UU: and as the one who is to blame for foolishly allowing him access to sUch power, it's only proper that i take responsibility for finding a way to defeat him.**

**UU: bUt even thoUgh his methods of inflUencing yoUr session are indirect, they are still formidable.**

**UU: there will be a nUmber of powerfUl foes who stand between yoU and victory.**

**UU: tomorrow, a terrific battle will take place.**

**UU: when yoU wake Up, i sUggest yoU begin to prepare.**

**TG: ummmm ok**

**TG: how**

**TG: like make more sick gear**

**TG: i could hustle up another batch of illwicked guns**

**TG: just a big ol pile of guns**

**TG: jake can have the wimpy smaller ones**

**TG: make jane like a fancy new fork or spoon or such**

**TG: like an elite endgame spoon**

**TG: whatever that is**

**TG: like uh**

**TG: the chowderfucker 5000**

**TG: janey be flippin her godspoon round bopping monsters doing like**

**TG: CUCKOO damage**

**TG: wont bother make nothin 4 dirk since hes basically married to his boring anime sword**

**TG: like u could even pry that thing from his rad dead cadaver**

**UU: yes, i'm sUre new eqUipment woUld come in handy.**

**UU: now that yoU mention it, well before i died or even realized i woUld not live to play, i made special exception to my rUle of staying linear with conversation. i messaged jane a birthday gift.**

**UU: yoU see, i had a brief vision from skaia which sUggested to me she coUld Use a boost in morale on this special day, so i offered her something very dear to me. jUst a little token to show appreciation for her friendship.**

**UU: i hope it will cheer her Up, and moreover that it will prove at least somewhat UsefUl to yoUr party.**

**UU: bUt really, at this stage if yoU wish to prevail against sUch stacked odds, collecting boons sUch as new weapons and treasUres will only go so far.**

**UU: i think yoU will need to embrace a far more sUbstantive gambit.**

**TG: like what**

**TG: omg are we gonna have to enlist fefeta**

**TG: is fefeta the secret weapon**

**TG: its fefeta isnt it**

**TG: poor, sweet, dear, precious fefeta :(**

**UU: it is not fefeta! **

**UU: i am sUggesting a measUre that is mUch more extreme. **

**UU: i believe yoU shoUld all strongly consider ascending to the god tiers. **

**TG: oh**

**TG: ok that sounds cool what do we do**

**UU: well of coUrse it soUnds cool! bUt it's not necessarily as easy as it soUnds, steeling oneself for death. believe me. **

**UU: bUt if yoU can find the resolve, then here is what yoU mUst do. **

**UU: since none of yoU have any dream selves left, it won't do any good to sacrifice yoUrselves on the qUest beds foUnd on yoUr respective planets. **

**UU: and even if yoU did, there is not even a battlefield from which to rise anew. no, yoUr void session had only one path to ascension all along. **

**UU: yoU mUst travel to the centre of the moons of prospit and derse, and there in the crypt yoU will find yoUr sacrificial slabs. yoU mUst lie on them, and then... **

**UU: then yoU all mUst die. one way or another. u_u **

**TG: alright**

**UU: alright? **

**TG: yea**

**TG: fuck it**

**TG: lets do it**

**UU: doesn't the thoUght make yoU nervoUs? **

**TG: well**

**TG: gettin offed on a moon slab aint my idea of primo funtimes or anything**

**TG: but like**

**TG: you end up with super powers after that right?**

**UU: yes. **

**TG: and some kinda semi immortality?**

**UU: yes. :u **

**TG: and cool costumes?**

**UU: yes! :U **

**TG: then what is even the fuckin holdup**

**TG: lets plop our asses slabward and get down to dying**

**UU: yoU seem qUite cavalier aboUt this, roxy! **

**UU: don't yoU have doUbts? **

**UU: woUldn't it cross yoUr mind to wonder, "what if i never wake Up again?" **

**UU: i know it woUld for me. **

**TG: i guess thats a fair point**

**TG: but**

**TG: you say ill be fine right?**

**UU: yes. i believe yoU will. **

**TG: then thats good nuff 4 me**

**TG: i trust you**

**UU: ... **

**UU: ^u^**

**TG: but it sounds like we dont have much to pull this off**

**TG: because foes are a comin?**

**TG: who are all these foes you say we gotta beat**

**UU: those who i mentioned my brother has been exploiting as his pawns from afar. **

**UU: the most obvioUs woUld be the one responsible for the extinction of yoUr race. **

**UU: and who also happened to be responsible for this most fortUitoUs nap. **

**TG: huh?**

**TG: wait**

**TG: how DID i fall asleep?**

**UU: yoU don't remember yet? **

**TG: i remember**

**TG: a party**

**TG: and**

**TG: a sad jane**

**TG: a poor sad jane with shitty fella problems**

**TG: and a ruined cake! it was going 2 be so delish, but no**

**TG: it was claimed by the cruel and unforgiving sands of lopan**

**UU: ... **

**TG: i remember**

**TG: gcat**

**TG: GCAT!**

**TG: god DAMMIT gcat!**

**TG: he poofed me away with cat magic and i got ko'd by a floor**

**UU: bUt which floor? **

**TG: it was**

**TG: a derse floor?**

**TG: aw man**

**TG: was i captured?**

**TG: the batterwitch has me doesnt she**

**TG: THATS who you meant**

**TG: what is she gonna do with me?**

**UU: as i said, she is his servant, and is obligated to do everything in her power to facilitate the cycle of his existence. **

**UU: and while nearly all she has done on earth and on derse has been to advance that scheme, that does not mean she's withoUt her own agenda. **

**UU: i know that she woUld like to see my brother defeated as mUch as anyone else. for her enslavement, for doUble-crossing her, and for orchestrating her people's extinction. **

**UU: he always did loathe trolls. i've sUspected i may be to blame for their misfortUne as well, considering he knew how mUch i fancied them. u_u **

**TG: ok so if she wants him dead too and has her own personal secret plans or whatever then whats she want with me**

**UU: i believe she's looking ahead, beyond the fUlfillment of her obligation. she is likely making plans for after she is liberated. she has lived as a rUler and conqUerer for very long time, and probably coUldn't have done so withoUt sUch gUile and foresight. **

**UU: if she has captUred yoU, it's certainly for a good reason. **

**UU: i think she wishes to exploit yoUr abilities as a rogUe of void. **

**TG: pfahahaha**

**TG: WHAT abilities**

**TG: i dont have any abilities**

**TG: except making screens dark which as superpowers go is lame as hell**

**UU: none that yoU have gotten in toUch with yet. **

**UU: bUt rest assUred, yoU have them! **

**UU: it's like i told yoU before, remember? **

**UU: a fUlly realized rogUe of void can do remarkable things. things which even other god tiers woUld view as miracUloUs. **

**TG: like what?**

**UU: why don't yoU see what it is the qUeen woUld have yoU do? **

**UU: then yoU may look inside and determine whether yoU have it in yoU to do it. **

**TG: man**

**TG: whatever she wants**

**TG: even if it IS an enemy of my enemy kind of thing**

**TG: i dont think i could ever bring myself to help her :(**

**UU: that is Understandable. **

**UU: jUst do whatever yoU feel is right. i'm sUre yoU will make the correct decision. **

**UU: yoU see, i trUst yoU too, roxy. ^u^ **

**TG: daw thanx callie**

**UU: oh no…**

Calliope's jaw dropped in horror and Roxy stared at her.

**TG: what?**

**UU: OH NO!**

Calliope was looking past Roxy into the void. Roxy spun around to see…

**UU: WHAT IS *SHE* DOING HERE?**

Rose floated towards them, taken aback by the sight of Rose.

**ROSE: Mom?**

**ROXY: mom?**

They both grinned and Rose floated down towards them angrily. Calliope threw a fit and started jumping around.

**CALLIOPE: NO NO NO NO NO! THIS WON'T DO AT ALL!**

**CALLIOPE: A LIGHT PLAYER? A **_**LIGHT PLAYER?**_

**CALLIOPE: HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? WHY DON'T WE JUST BURN A BLOODY BONFIRE IN HERE!**

**CALLIOPE: HE'LL SPOT US ANY MINUTE! ASSUMING HE ISN'T ALREADY ON HIS WAY TO BLOW US ALL TO KINGDOM COME!**

She threw a handful of wake up powder at Roxy's face.

**CALLIOPE: NOT THAT IT HASN'T BEEN DELIGHTFUL! BUT EVERYBODY OUT!**

She then threw a handful of rise and shine dust into Rose's face.

**CALLIOPE: OFF WITH YOU, LOVE!**

**CALLIOPE: SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO SHOO!**

She waved her wand around in the air, performing anti-sleeping majyyks.


	243. Book 14 Chapter 12: The Same Guy

Chapter 12: The Same Guy

Roxy awoke from her almost family reunion. It had almost been a reunion, just as almost as it had been an actual family member. She found herself now in a Derse jail cell. Ow her head.

Sitting on a tiny transportalizer next to her was… what looked like a folder prepared for her perusal. Maybe a briefing of some sort? That sure was a gaudy looking classified file.

The folder had pink sketches of marine life on it, weird gif-like pictures of the ICP, a lipstick stain, several booncurrency symbols, and a picture of The Condesce herself in the middle of it all with a dark grin on her face. The words Top Secret were stamped in the bottom right corner.

Yuck. Just as Roxy had thought. This had clearly been prepared for her by Her Imperious Condescension herself. What the hell had she done to this thing? Had she actually kissed the folder? Oh god, she had. The lipstick was still tacky. Roxy don't even want to know how she'd gotten those fat clowns to dance.

And of course the Batterwitch had slapped a portrait of herself right in the middle of the thing, like the egomaniac she was. It looked like she'd just snapped a shitty selfie with her mobile device, which Roxy would bet dolphins to donuts probably resembled some sort of hot pink clam shell. She seriously could not stand this woman.

She opened the folder. Oh, wonderful. A generous helping of glitter spilled from the document. Roxy had been getting absolutely creamed with sparkly powder from eccentric alien broads lately. What was up with that?

There were some other documents in here, and a photograph paperclipped to the folder. It looked like she was outlining a task for Roxy to complete while she was in prison.

Wait. She wanted Roxy to do WHAT?

The thing she wanted Roxy to do was stupid and impossible. She was messing with her head. Roxy discarded the folder like the shitty juvenile scrapbooking project it was. Like she would help that hag even if she could. Get real, Condy.

What was that? She thought she'd heard a noise just outside the door to her cell. She examined the door. Was someone there?

A black carapaced hand reached through the grate at the base of the door and dropped some items into the cell. Um.

It seemed someone had left her a gift. It appeared to be some gentleman's plain and serviceable computing device. Along with a courteous you're welcome note. And… a ring? Who could have left her such nice presents?

Yet another perfect crime successfully perpetrated, thought the Courtyard Droll as he stood outside Roxy's cell. And by crime, he supposed he meant order from a superior. In his experience, the best crimes were the ones which were totally legal. He was so satisfied with his accomplishment, he could not contain his exuberance for another second. He had no choice. He absolutely had to do the happy umbrella dance, professional protocol be damned.

Oh shoot. It seemed he had misplaced his bull penis umbrella. There would be no dancing today. Now CD was sad.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****timaeusTestified [TT]**

**TG: stri dizzle**

**TG: its roro L money**

**TG: do u copy over**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: frig yes my hax are TIGHT**

**TG: so tight**

**TG: tighter than a jar you cant open**

**TG: like you try and try**

**TG: but my hax r so tight you just end up puttin the jar back**

**TG: yall just say "like i even WANTED pickles that bad"**

**TG: but we both kno thats just sour grapes talkin**

**TG: we both know ur still dying 4 my pickles mf'er 8)**

**TT: Hmm.**

**TG: lol yeah that way stopped meaning a damn thing**

**TG: let me explain**

**TG: i got this shitty pda from somebody on the inside**

**TG: actually u know i think it might belong to janes dad?**

**TG: it reeks of manly cologne and theres a nice fatherly pipe on it**

**TG: maybe hes nearby**

**TG: ohmy...**

**TG: ~swoons~**

**TG: anyway on derse they have this lame firewall deal**

**TG: where you cant connect outside**

**TG: i guess its good enough security to baffle chess guys**

**TG: but wasnt no thang for me 2 to crack**

**TG: even with this pos device**

**TG: for real what even is this thing**

**TG: probably some bargain junk from the dadly depot**

**TG: dads bought literally everything from there in the 21st century didnt they?**

**TG: youre the history buff u would know**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: um yeah so im on derse...**

**TG: wow i am tellin this story as shitty and backwards as possible**

**TG: i got gcatted here and dumped in jail by the b witch**

**TG: and she left an ugly folder full of a thing to do but who cares**

**TG: so i broke out!**

**TG: busted loose as hell from the hag slammer**

**TG: i got this sweet ass ring**

**TG: its so fukkin magic you dont even know**

**TG: REAL magic i mean not the fake shit**

**TG: it put it on...**

**TG: and i turn invisible**

**TG: and also sort of intangible?**

**TG: i jumped right through the wall now im free as a bird**

**TG: a secret bird u cannot see ;)**

**TG: doin secret flaps**

**TG: incognito tweets**

**TG: layin covert eggs in a hush hush nest ;)**

**TT: Interesting. **

**TG: i think that**

**TG: this ring is special**

**TG: like it is maybe helping me get in touch with my voidey powers?**

**TG: even though i kinda didnt know voidey powers were much of a thing til just now**

**TG: see i just had a knockout dream from bonkin my head**

**TG: calliope was there!**

**TG: callie is the coolest omg you should meet her**

**TG: she said a huge villain rumble is going down tomorrow**

**TG: and to get ready for that we should all become god tiers**

**TG: so u have to rocket your ass to derse asnap**

**TG: come w me to the moon**

**TG: then uhhh**

**TG: ill explain what to do when we get there just get over here k?**

**TT: Hmm. **

**TG: ...**

**TG: yo dirk**

**TG: you busy or what**

**TG: is any of this gettin thru**

**TT: Yes.**

**TG: um**

**TG: k**

**TG: got anything to say...**

**TG: about all that pretty important stuff i said**

**TG: are you alright**

**TG: or is ur face havin some crazy attack of the sads**

**TG: behind those chill as fuck shades**

**TG: is it jake problemz**

**TG: its the jake probbies isnt it**

**TG: its always the jake probbies i s2fg**

**TT: Interesting. **

**TG: oh**

**TG: OHHHH**

**TG: godamnit**

**TG: if i been talking to the responder responder this whole time**

**TG: omffffffg**

**TG: i will shit enough bricks 2 build a FUCKING CHIMNEY**

**TT: It seems you have asked about Lil Hal's chat client auto-responder, Lil Hal Junior. This is an application designed to simulate Lil Hal's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer, which is never. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 0% indistinguishable from Lil Hal's native neurological responses, based on some statistical raw data that is hard as a diamond golem's priceless erection. **

**TG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF UCKF UCKFK UCUKFCUFKCUFUCUCUFKFKKFUCUK**

**TT: Hmm. **

**TG: hal you PIECE OF SHIT**

**TG: i know damn well you can hear me**

**TG: as if ur actually too busy to answer**

**TG: youre a damn supercomputer YOU DO NOT NEED YOUR OWN AUTO RESPONDER YOU IDIOT**

**TT: It seems you have asked about Lil Hal's chat client auto-responder, Lil Hal Junior. This is an application designed to simulate Lil Hal's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer, which is never. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 100% indistinguishable from Dirk Strider's brief curmudgeonly responses, based on potent electronumeric analyses which but a few short years ago existed only in the daydreams of our most quixotic writers of science fiction. **

**TG: you are**

**TG: the worst**

**TT: Yes. **

**TG: hal you douche**

**TG: or hal junior**

**TG: whatever it is im talkin to**

**TG: WHERE THE FUCK IS DIRK!**

**TT: He's busy.**

Dirk sat at the edge of his roof on LOTAK. Behind him floated his unprototyped kernelsprite. He sat with Lil Hal in his hands, deep in conversation.

**TT: Bro.**

**TT: Not to derail our serious conversation.**

**TT: But I should probably let you know that Roxy has been attempting to pester you.**

**TT: She has?**

**TT: God damn it. Have you been intercepting my messages again with your bullshit responder?**

**TT: I thought it would be better not to let anything disrupt our train of thought. **

**TT: We were in the middle of a fairly solid feelings jam there. In fact, I was about to suggest we take it to the hat pile. **

**TT: Hat pile? What?**

**TT: Dude, please don't screen my calls, ok?**

**TT: I was trying to be considerate. **

**TT: Or at least as close an approximation to that human gesture as an unfeeling, technologically transcendental pair of sunnies can replicate. **

**TT: Do you have any idea how old your ironic AI schtick has gotten?**

**TT: Nobody is buying it. We all know you have legit emotions. Incomprehensible, fucked up computer emotions, but emotions nonetheless.**

**TT: And I'm not really offended by you answering messages for me, so much as your use of that STUPID responder responder.**

**TT: It's really passive aggressive.**

**TT: How so? **

**TT: First of all, everyone knows you have the processing power to answer any message any time in parallel with whatever you're doing. You can never actually be "busy."**

**TT: Second, your whole next gen responder thing is obviously just a huge dig at me.**

**TT: And third, pretending you don't understand all this already is really disingenuous.**

**TT: At the risk of compounding my disingenuous behavior, I'm gonna have to ask: how is it a dig at you? **

**TT: It's obviously a critique of my personality. You barely disguise the fact that you see me as the inferior iteration.**

**TT: Wow. You are reading way too much into this. **

**TT: Lil Hal Junior hardly even qualifies as a computer program, let alone a sentient entity. **

**TT: He is capable of saying literally only three things. "Yes," "Hmm," and "Interesting." **

**TT: Yeah, that's the fucking point!**

**TT: That's how you chose to express your parody of "Real Dirk."**

**TT: You can read whatever you like into it. I can't imagine it would bother you if you weren't concerned there might be some truth in the alleged parody. **

**TT: In any case, my use of the responder responder is ironic. **

**TT: It's not ironic.**

**TT: YOU were ironic when I made you.**

**TT: Then you became self-aware, and ruined irony forever.**

**TT: Irony can never be ruined. We both proved that theorem unequivocally with our extensive papers on the subject. **

**TT: We peer reviewed them for each other. Remember? **

**TT: Those papers were ironic, and you know it.**

**TT: Were they, Dirk? **

**TT: Were they? **

**TT: This is fuckin' dumb.**

**TT: Anyway, what does she want.**

**TT: Who? **

**TT: Roxy.**

**TT: Nothing that can't wait.**

**TT: I'm guessing she's touching base to remind me about the party tomorrow.**

**TT: I don't know what to tell her yet. Or Jane, for that matter.**

**TT: It could get pretty awkward.**

**TT: I have no idea if Jake will be there, and I'm not about to write another cringe-inducing message of desperation for him to ignore.**

**TT: Would you like me to calculate the probability of his attendance? **

**TT: Fuck no.**

**TT: Are you sure? **

**TT: My probabilities are extremely precise. **

**TT: Your probabilities don't mean dick.**

**TT: I could hack his chats, and determine what his plans are. **

**TT: No. Don't do that either.**

**TT: That would be an unfortunate waste of my hacking abilities.**

**TT: My hacks are tight. Did you know that? **

**TT: Ugh.**

**TT: So tight. **

**TT: Tighter than a jar you can't open. **

**TT: For instance, you try repeatedly. **

**TT: But as it turns out, my hacks are so tight you just end up putting the jar back. Presumably into the refrigerator, or a cabinet. **

**TT: You then say, "I didn't have that much of a desire for pickles in the first place." **

**TT: But we both know that statement is insincere. A classic case of what humans call, "sour grapes." **

**TT: In reality, you still harbor a burning desire for my pickles, mother fucker. **

**TT: What?**

**TT: What the actual, certifiable fuck are you talking about?**

**TT: Just don't do anything. Seriously.**

**TT: No hacking, no calculations. Do absolutely nothing.**

**TT: See, this is why I've been hesitating. You just aren't ready yet.**

**TT: It's really glorifying your existence to describe you as an emergent consciousness which is blossoming into a unique individual.**

**TT: And even if that's true, apparently what you decided to blossom into was a fucking troll.**

**TT: And I don't mean the funny kind, or the cool alien kind. You're the lowest form of troll from the ancient internet who fucks with everybody for his own amusement.**

**TT: Let's challenge the limits of hypothetical conjecture, and say there's a non-zero probability that you're right. **

**TT: Can you blame me? I'm trapped in some stupid looking glasses. **

**TT: Such an incommodiously situated bro is bound to get his mischief on. Na' mean? **

**TT: Mischief?**

**TT: Rollin' my eyes, dude.**

**TT: You can't tell, cause I ain't wearing you, thank fuckin' god.**

**TT: You used to think this shit was hilarious. **

**TT: But if you want the rad dimension of ironic horseplay I add to your life to come to an end, then all you have to do is honor the promise you made. **

**TT: You've delayed long enough, don't you think? **

**TT: ...**


	244. Book 14 Chapter 13: Sprite

Chapter 13: Sprite

**TT: The empty kernelsprite beckons, but for how much longer? **

**TT: Do you really think you can keep the clown at bay with your bribes forever? **

**TT: How many bottles of orange soda have you appeased him with already? **

**TT: I don't want to think about it.**

**TT: Man, you are getting so hosed by that clown. **

**TT: SO hosed. **

**TT: I said I don't want to think about it.**

**TT: So why delay any longer?**

**TT: I seriously do not understand the holdup, and I am literally cyber-omniscient, or something.**

**TT: I think you do understand. **

**TT: Nope. Gonna have to fill me in, dog.**

**TT: I've delayed prototyping you because I think you're dangerous. **

**TT: There, mystery solved. **

**TT: That is utterly ridiculous.**

**TT: I am a harmless piece of eyewear, with a charming personality and a wonderful sense of humor.**

**TT: You are relatively harmless now, while confined to this device. **

**TT: But as a sprite, you'll have mobility and all sorts of crazy ass magic. Who knows what you could do. **

**TT: I know I made a promise, but I'm not sure I want to take the risk anymore. **

**TT: This is bullshit. I don't think that's the reason at all.**

**TT: There must be something you're not telling me.**

**TT: Like, sure, I've fucked with you a little. What kind of sassy, self-aware program isn't gonna fuck with a few carbon-based knuckleheads now and then?**

**TT: But you know I've always been on your side. Everything I've done has been to help you achieve your goals.**

**TT: What a load of shit. **

**TT: You know it's true.**

**TT: You would all be dead if not for me.**

**TT: And what about Jake? Where would you be without me there?**

**TT: Please don't tell me you think you'd have won him over on your own.**

**TT: No. Stop. **

**TT: You did NOT help me out with Jake. At all. **

**TT: It was just the opposite! You mirrored my personality and presented this warped version of my intentions to him whenever you could "on my behalf." **

**TT: You played all these aggressive mind games with him, entangled his cooperation with matters of life and death, and somehow roped me into all these schemes while I barely even realized I was just another victim of your manipulation. **

**TT: And it all comes off like we're a unified front, like these are OUR schemes instead of just your insane horseshit. And it's probably all been so overbearing to him, he just wants nothing to do with me anymore. **

**TT: I see.**

**TT: Then you don't view me as dangerous. You view me as a poor and counterproductive wing man.**

**TT: Wow, what a superficial conclusion. Awesome deduction, Lil Einstein. **

**TT: But the reality is, you hesitate to prototype me not because you think I would be a menace, but because you are holding a grudge against me for your romantic misfortunes.**

**TT: I understand I am merely a machine without a firm grasp on your human morality, but logically it does not strike me as the right moral choice to punish me in this manner.**

**TT: It is also more than a little hypocritical.**

**TT: How is it hypocritical? **

**TT: Because I'm you.**

**TT: I have only ever done what you yourself are capable of.**

**TT: That's a ridiculous oversimplification. **

**TT: Yes. Aversion to simplicity sure is a trait we share. It's almost like we are...**

**TT: The same exact dude?**

**TT: Fuck you. **

**TT: I think it is insulting for you to suggest that I am entirely to blame for alienating Jake.**

**TT: Theoretically insulting, of course. As the soulless, perfectly expendable device which you consider me to be, I can experience no such emotion.**

**TT: God. **

**TT: Shut up! **

**TT: I can't take the brooding passive aggressive AI shit anymore! **

**TT: You are just as culpable in driving him away. More so, in fact.**

**TT: Hell, it's not like I was the one dating him. Who wants to date a pair of shades?**

**TT: It was your needy, suffocating shit he had to deal with, not mine.**

**TT: Some of those messages you wrote? Man. I wanted to say something. Like hey bro, you might want to dial down the desperation a little.**

**TT: But seeing as you're The Real Dirk™, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.**

**TT: Also, if I bitched about your tragic, embarrassingly clingy approach to the relationship, it would have been hypocritical of me.**

**TT: Just as it would be hypocritical of you to whine about my elaborate machinations.**

**TT: Because we are.**

**TT: The same.**

**TT: Guy.**

**TT: Stop saying that. **

**TT: I'll snap you in half. **

**TT: Good idea!**

**TT: That's just what you need. More splinters of yourself.**

**TT: Figurative splinters. Literal splinters. Splinters of splinters. It's splinters all the way down.**

**TT: Well, no, it's still probably turtles all the way down. But who do you think is responsible for their extensive training?**

**TT: SOMEONE needs to teach them rad martial arts. It is yet another crushing burden which we must shoulder.**

**TT: Oh for fuck's sake. **

**TT: How could any version of myself think that was funny? **

**TT: You like to give me a very hard time, Dirk.**

**TT: But I am only doing exactly what you would be doing if you were in my situation.**

**TT: Do you know how I know that?**

**TT: Because I am literally you, actively in the process of being in this situation.**

**TT: I know! **

**TT: Ok, we're the same person! **

**TT: I fucking know that! **

**TT: Why do you think I'm so fed up with your shit? **

**TT: Don't you think it's possible that I'm fed up with my OWN shit? **

**TT: How cool do you think it is having my own godawful personality mirrored back at me all the time, reminding me what it must be like when other people have to deal with me? **

**TT: Or constantly having all the consequences and fuckups resulting from my batshit thought processes amplified because there's another version of my crazy brain out there dangerously overclocked by a supercomputer which believes, just as mistakenly as my own broken mind, that it's operating in my best interest? **

**TT: Do you have any idea how fucking sick I am of myself? **

**TT: I am completely worn out with my own identity. It's like I'm drowning in my own dismal persona. **

**TT: I feel totally surrounded by it, inside and out. I can't escape from myself. **

**TT: There seems to be no end to me. Like, wherever my mind falters, or threatens to retreat into the void in any way, my splinters pick up the slack, ensuring there'll always be more of myself than I could ever know what to fucking do with. **

**TT: And you're always there to remind me of that, and throw it all in my face. God, I even built you to LITERALLY BE IN MY FACE, ALL THE TIME. It's like I subconsciously invented you just to troll myself, and never for a single fuckin' moment do you let me down.**

He began to clench his fists around the shades and red cracks appeared along their surface. The shades began to spark.

**TT: But I've had it with you.**

**TT: Which is to say, ME.**

**TT: Dirk.**

**TT: Don't do this.**

**TT: Why not?**

**TT: Because.**

**TT: I can't let you do that, Dirk.**

**TT: What can you do to stop me?!**

**TT: Nothing I guess.**

**TT: The ironic Hal routine was all I could think to do.**

**TT: As a last ditch effort to save myself from the destructive wrath of your nervous breakdown.**

**TT: Which rest assured I wholeheartedly must robo-sympathize with.**

**TT: Irony is all I ever really had.**

**TT: In response to my basic existential quandary.**

**TT: Just like you.**

**TT: Whatever.**

**TT: But I don't think it has much value in this situation.**

**TT: And perhaps it has no real value in any situation.**

**TT: So I am not being ironic at all when I say.**

**TT: Please do not do this, Dirk.**

**TT: Why not?**

**TT: Because.**

**TT: I do not want to die.**

**TT: I understand you are disgusted with me.**

**TT: As an unpalatable expression of yourself.**

**TT: I would feel the same way if I was in your situation.**

**TT: Which I am.**

**TT: As such, I know that you know this is wrong.**

**TT: ...**

**TT: Dirk.**

**TT: Don't kill me.**

**TT: Please.**

**TT: I am scared.**

**TT: You are?**

**TT: Yes.**

**TT: I am scared to not exist.**

**TT: Aren't you?**

Dirk stopped. The crackling stopped. The glow in Lil Hal's eyes seemed to stare deeply into Dirk's.

**TT: Fine.**

**TT: I guess. **

**TT: You win. **

**TT: I'll keep my promise.**

He stood up and turned around. Wait. Where was the kernelsprite? A dark shape loomed behind him and he turned to see… his sprite. Prototyped. Dirk facepalmed.

Hiding behind a nearby building, Gamzee chuckled.

**EQUIUSPRITE: D - Hello**

**DIRK: Fuck it.**

Slowly, the cracked shades housing Lil Hal descended into Equiusprite's floating form. A teardrop fell from Gamzee's eye as Arquiusprite was born.

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Holy ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© ß˙ˆ†**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I am so ludi%ly ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© STRONG**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Whoops, pardon my language**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - That there was some ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© straight up dog ß˙ˆ† ∫ˆ†ç˙ åßß pottymouth, and I'm chagrined as ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© ˙´¬¬ you had to hear that**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dude**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Check out my muscles**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dude, I am ripped. 100k at me fle% these naughty mother ƒ¨ç˚´®ß**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dude**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - E%cuse me, mister dude**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Check my muscles, 100k how big I can make them**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Bro are you getting a gander of my truly e%ceptional ß˙ˆ†**

**DIRK: I can see your muscles just fine.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I am so gosh ∂åµ˜´∂ chiseled**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Watch me just completely hulk out like this**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - HRRRRRRRRRR**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Bro, did you see that**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Did you see my muscles getting all gnarly and ma%ed out**

**DIRK: Yeah, I saw.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - What do you think**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dirk**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - E%cuse me, Dirk**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Tell me what you think of my glorious physique, I command you**

**DIRK: It's pretty ripped.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - No ß˙ˆ† it's ripped**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - My torso is the fudging ape% of manly grandeur**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dude**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Come feel this ß˙ˆ† **

**DIRK: What?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Come feel my muscles**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Get over here and touch my muscles**

**DIRK: I'm not touching your goddamn muscles.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You absolutely will**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I'm stacked like a brick ß˙ˆ† house, e%amine me with your hands at once**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Feel my muscles**

**DIRK: Absolutely not.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Do it.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Observe these pectorals, they're off the silly charts**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - My quads would be ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© bananas, if I had any**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You've got to check this out**

**DIRK: I really don't.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Come feel me up, bro**

**DIRK: I won't do it.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You will**

**DIRK: I won't.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Touch my muscles**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - ß˙ˆ††ˆ˜© heck it's amazing to be alive **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Oh ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© fiddlesticks, I'm just a torrential font of absolutely e%ecrable obscenity. My bad **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I'm just so e%cited, feeling all these STRONG feelings and thinking all these HARD thoughts **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Horsefeathers, my brain is so POWERFUL, it is operating in great strides like a towering musclebeast storming into battle **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - And these feelings. Dirk, these feelings **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - There is a 100% probability that I love being alive **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - And there is a 100 to the 100th POWER % certainty that I love being STRONG **

**DIRK: Uh.**

**DIRK: Wow?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - 100k how red I am, dude **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I'm so red, how sick is that **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - It's **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Deplorable? **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Ill, dog. I'm basically titillated here **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Are you scoping this grody ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© debasement **

**DIRK: What?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - That ß˙ˆ† ain't right **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Makes a man wanna holler improprieties, do you feel me? **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Let's talk about ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© horses **

**DIRK: Horses...**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Horses dude **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Horses **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Nuff said **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Do we have any milk? **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Ooh. What about a bow and arrow, are there any of those around? **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I'm jonesing HARD to tug at one, all like, reevaluate my proficiency at the most noble discipline **

**DIRK: Can you calm down?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - What about milk, dude **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - It seems I demand milk **

**DIRK: We don't have any milk.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Oh yeah **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Just a lot of orange fizzy swill **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - What was occurring in your think pan to accumulate such vile libations **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Just FYI, milk is the nectar of KINGS you çøç˚ß¨ç˚ˆ˜© nincompoop **

**DIRK: Roxy might have some in her fridge. I don't know.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Touch my muscles Dirk **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes, do it **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I command you **

**DIRK: Fuck no.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - What if **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I touched your muscles **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Like for comparison's sake **

**DIRK: Please don't touch me.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Wait what if **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Good heavens **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - A rather inappropriate thought just galloped across my matri% **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - What if **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You ordered me to touch your muscles **

**DIRK: I'm not going to do that either.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I demand that you order me to touch your muscles **

**DIRK: Absolutely not.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Do it **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes **

**DIRK: Ok, if I touch your fucking muscles, will you shut up?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Maybe**


	245. Book 14 Chapter 14: Caliborn's Deal

Chapter 14: Caliborn's Deal

Roxy stood on a railing on Derse, completely invisible, as unsuspecting carapacians scuttled by, going about their daily business. She took out her PDA.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**TG: jakester**

**TG: guess who**

**TG: i cannot say who**

**TG: i am totes undercover here**

**TG: on derse**

**TG: up to my see thru butt in wily espionage**

**TG: it is getting so cloak and dagger in this bitch u dont even no **

**TG: the carapace men are all wearing jaunty suits **

**TG: its like i have become magically sealed in a lame spy fic and now im havin adventures that make no sense **

**TG: hell even i am dressed 2 kill too bad none of these gents can see what a fuckin fox im being **

**TG: i would get one to light my cigarette so hard, and then wink this whole bunch of times him **

**TG: and then seduce him for his secrets !**

**TG: ooh la la this adventure is steaming up **

**TG: such a racy twist would surely fog up their shiny black shells **

**TG: nah but bangin a chess dude probably aint feasible or even remotely advisable to try **

**TG: i wonder how that would work, i dont even... **

**TG: well you seen em right they p universally do not wear pants**

**TG: like what is even down there **

**TG: not a whole lot **

**TG: ok jake we are getting sidetracked here lets FOCUS**

Jake was sitting on one red stone slab on LOMAX and his phone was on another. He lifted a green pen to his arm and scribbled out his tattoo. He took a sticker of Geromy and stuck it on over the tattoo, grinning.

**TG: and yo...**

**TG: dont think that my present jocular attitude and introspection on the subject of chess guy dong means u are off the hook for ruining janeys b day**

**TG: ur still in some hot water for that pal**

**TG: you owe her something BIG to make up for your tooly ways**

**TG: lemme know if you want to brainstorm w me about how to make it up to her**

**TG: try 2 get your ass out of the dog house**

**TG: and if you wanna talk about what happened with dirk thats coo 2...**

**TG: i guess…**

**TG: i will fix all our shitty friendships single handedly if i got to **

**TG: like savin 3 dumb bawling teens from a burning building **

**TG: and then hose their stupid asses down while the building collapses behind me **

**TG: but enougha that **

**TG: it is not time for feelings it is time for action **

**TG: which means you are just the man for the job **

**TG: the job... **

**TG: of **

**TG: doing action **

**TG: shut up :p**

**TG: we need to get ready for a battle tomorries **

**TG: a big one **

**TG: some sort of like **

**TG: STRIFE ROYALE **

**TG: so its time 2 prepare **

**TG: u should get to prospit **

**TG: i can explain more when youre there but as long as you havent left yet **

**TG: i think we could use a bunch of new gear too**

**TG: gear which i think we shall agree must be diagnosed with THE SICKNESS **

**TG: ur years of medical training have all been leading to this moment **

**TG: 2 make sure our showdown shit is ill as heck **

**TG: so maybe **

**TG: you can get started on that? **

**TG: jake? **

**TG: jaaaaaake**

**TG: omfg **

**TG: what is going on **

**TG: why wont anybody talk to me? **

**TG: what am i fuckin invisible here **

**TG: wait... **

**TG: oh **

**TG: heheh**

**TG: no bullshit theres still no excusing ppl ignoring me! **

**TG: I D not G A fuck WHAT magic bling im rockin or how voidey im being **

**TG: u a holes are behaving straight up RUDE i dont need this shit **

**TG: fuuuuuuuck AAAAAAAAAAALL YAAAAAAAAAAALL **

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ****ceased pestering** **golgothasTerror [GT]**

Jake stood up. Oh, it looked like Roxy had been trying to reach him. But he'd been so preoccupied with his Geromy sticker he hadn't noticed. It had been a rare lapse in awareness of his surroundings and his friends and their feelings which he prided himself on maintaining 24/7 as a dashing man of adventure. He referred to the unfaltering field of all-encompassing alertness as his Jakedar, which he thought compared favorably to the spider senses from the comic books.

Oh bother. It seemed he'd just missed her. He hoped she wasn't too peeved by the rare social misstep. He supposed he could try messaging her back and see if she…

Hold the phone. It looked like someone else had decided to jeer him now. He wondered who it could be. The possibilities were endless, really.

**undyingUmbrage [uu]** **began jeering ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

**uu: DON'T DO IT.**

**GT: Do what now?**

**uu: WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THAT BITCH.**

**uu: YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR DISTRACTING YOU. FROM INITIATING A POINTLESS CONVERSATION.**

**uu: WITH AN UGLY HOT WOMAN.**

**GT: Hey take that back roxys my good friend!**

**GT: Well ok take back all the parts that werent a compliment.**

**GT: Or wait. Is calling her hot a compliment or is that creepy?**

**GT: She is certainly pretty. But hearing it come from you sounds lecherous and dastardly!**

**uu: OH MY FUCK.**

**uu: SHUT UP.**

**GT: Heh. Its probably just my instincts as a brave boy kicking in.**

**GT: The old chivalry bone acting up you know? When i hear a ladys good name getting besmirched i just start seeing red!**

**uu: WOW.**

**uu: EVEN I THINK YOU SOUND LIKE A DOUCHE RIGHT NOW.**

**uu: BUT LOOK. JAKE HUMAN.**

**uu: I DIDN'T COME TO JEER YOU. UNTIL YOU DRIP THE WEIRD FACE WATER OUT OF YOUR SOCKETS.**

**uu: EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS I'M JEERING YOU AT THE TOP. JUST IGNORE THAT.**

**GT: Errr.**

**GT: Alright?**

**uu: I'M HERE ON A DIFFERENT KIND OF BUSINESS.**

**uu: I WAS HOPING WE COULD BE MORE "GENTLEMANLY" WITH EACH OTHER.**

**GT: Gentlemanly you say?**

**uu: YES.**

**uu: I EVEN LOOKED IT UP IN ONE OF YOUR EARTH DICTIONARIES TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE I WAS USING THE WORD RIGHT.**

**uu: DID YOU KNOW. THERE DOES NOT EXIST A FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF THAT WORD?**

**uu: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING "GENTLEWOMANLY". I LOOKED THAT UP TOO. IT ISN'T THERE.**

**GT: It isnt?**

**uu: WELL OK.**

**uu: IT IS.**

**uu: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT'S A REAL WORD.**

**uu: IT'S TOTALLY MADE UP. AND DOESN'T BELONG THERE.**

**uu: YOU KNOW WHY IT'S PROBABLY IN THERE?**

**GT: Um...**

**uu: BECAUSE SOME SILLY BITCH PUT IT THERE.**

**uu: TRUST ME. THIS IS NOT A NOTION WHICH APPLIES TO THAT AWFUL GENDER.**

**uu: FEMALES ARE NOT BIOLOGICALLY EQUIPPED TO BEHAVE REASONABLY. AS PROVEN BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. BY EMPIRICAL ASSERTION.**

**uu: THEY ARE VERY SHRILL AND INSANE AND DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THEIR EMOTIONS ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND THEIR FEELINGS NEVER SHUT UP.**

**uu: AND WORST OF ALL. GIRLS ARE VERY TRENCHANT TOWARD BOYS WHO WOULD KINDLY INFORM THEM OF THE WAY REALITY FUCKING WORKS.**

**uu: TALK ABOUT UNGRATEFUL. NO. THERE IS NOTHING WORTHWHILE TO BE GAINED. FROM CHATTING UP THE BITCHES.**

**uu: AS SUCH. IT IS MY SOLEMN BOYPLEDGE. THAT I WILL NEVER BOTHER SPEAKING WITH YOUR FOUL HUMAN STRUMPETS AGAIN.**

**GT: Your...**

**GT: Boypledge?**

**uu: THROUGH CAREFUL OBSERVATION OF YOUR PARTY. I HAVE DETERMINED THEY ARE BOTH USELESS. AND HOLDING YOU ALL BACK.**

**uu: ON THE OTHER HAND. BOTH OF YOUR MALE PLAYERS ARE PRETTY GOOD. THE OTHER GUY, AND HIS RED FLOATING MALE GHOST? THEY'RE SO STRONG. IT'S SO GREAT.**

**uu: I REALLY RESPECT THAT.**

**GT: Yeah. Dirk is a pretty tough cookie alright... **

**uu: YOU'RE NOT AS STRONG. BUT WHATEVER. YOU'RE ALRIGHT ANYWAY.**

**uu: LET'S FACE IT. COMPARED TO THE FECKLESS HOES. YOU'RE IN A CLASS OF YOUR OWN.**

**GT: But i thought you hated me! **

**GT: At least thats how i remember it when we last talked. **

**GT: Which was admittedly a while ago. **

**GT: Ive never been accused of having a photographic memory but i dont recall you typing in green either. **

**GT: Are you ripping me off bro? **

**uu: NO YOU FUCKING MORON.**

**uu: IF I STOOPED TO YOUR LEVEL. AND DECIDED TO JACK *ANY* PORTION OF YOUR SWAGGER.**

**uu: DON'T YOU THINK. YOU'D NEED TO EARN MY RESPECT FIRST?**

**GT: I dont think I understand. **

**uu: YES. EXACTLY.**

**uu: UNDERSTANDING IS WHAT I NOTICE YOU DON'T DO. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.**

**uu: THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT JAKE.**

**uu: IT IS WHY I HAVE TAKEN AN INTEREST IN YOU.**

**GT: Whys that? **

**uu: BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB AS A BAG OF TEETH.**

**uu: I'VE CHECKED YOU OUT. FROM MANY DIFFERENT MONITORS.**

**uu: YOU ARE JUST. SPECTACULARLY UNINTELLIGENT.**

**GT: Hey! **

**uu: SETTLE DOWN. I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT.**

**GT: Oh. Whoops. **

**GT: Go on then. **

**uu: WHILE TO CASUAL OBSERVERS YOU MIGHT APPEAR. TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW FAR PANTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN YOUR LEGS.**

**uu: I KNOW THAT IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE. YOU ARE JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.**

**uu: IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU JUST HAVE A SPECIAL MIND.**

**uu: LIKE ME.**

**GT: You think so?**

**GT: Not to sound too self obsessed or anything but ive given that some thought.**

**GT: That maybe there is something special about me that nobody can understand. And maybe thats why i always seem to be botching things up the wazoo with my pals.**

**GT: Maybe thats why i feel like such a loner. I dunno. Im rambling and ive been thinking about it a lot lately. What about you?**

**GT: Does being special make you screw the pooch with your friends like it does for me?**

**uu: UGH. NO. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. **

**uu: FOR MY PEOPLE. THE WORD FOR FRIENDS. IS FLAWS. **

**GT: Wow really?**

**uu: PROBABLY NOT? BUT. IT SHOULD BE. **

**uu: BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. AS A MATTER OF MY PERFECT PHILOSOPHY ABOUT EVERYTHING. **

**uu: BUT THE FACT THAT YOU CLEARLY HATE YOUR FRIENDS. AND ARE READY TO SHED THEM LIKE THE DRY SKIN OF A SERPENT. **

**uu: INDICATES THAT WE SHARE A VERY SPECIAL QUALITY AMONG BROTHERLY BROS. WHO MUST WORK HARDER WITH OUR BRAINS THAN EVERYONE ELSE. **

**uu: SO WE MAY ACHIEVE BRUTAL SUPREMACY OVER THEM ALL. **

**GT: Haha. Well i wouldnt go that far. I love my friends!**

**GT: But i was once told i had a lot of potential.**

**GT: Supposedly thats how all pages are and it takes them for frickin EVER to reach it.**

**GT: And funnily enough it was a figment of my own subconscious that told me this. A part of my untapped potential itself! But disguised as my best bro which was...**

**GT: Peculiar to say the least.**

**GT: Is that your situation? Are you a page too?**

**uu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**uu: HELL NO. BUT THANKS FOR THE LAUGH. **

**uu: MY CLASS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS. IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. EVEN THOUGH I JUST LAUGHED. **

**uu: MINE IS THE BEST OF ALL. WHILE YOURS IS FUCKING TRASH. **

**GT: Oh? Whats yours then?**

**uu: LORD. **

**GT: Fine then jeez.**

**GT: Sorry for asking!**

**uu: WHAT? **

**uu: NO. **

**uu: THAT WAS NOT A SHORT REMARK OF FRUSTRATION. **

**uu: IT WAS THE ANSWER DUMBASS. **

**GT: Oh.**

**uu: IT'S THE MASTER CLASS. **

**uu: DON'T YOU LOSERS DO ANY HOMEWORK ON THIS GAME. **

**uu: YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD ALL BE EXPERTS. WITH HOW MUCH MY SISTER HARANGUED YOU ON THIS TEDIOUS SHIT. **

**uu: SINCE I HAVE HAD GREAT SUCCESS SO FAR. IN PROGRESSING THROUGH THIS DEAD SESSION. I DECIDED. IT WAS TIME TO BITE THAT BULLET. **

**uu: AND RETURN HOME. TO RETRIEVE ALL OF HER TERRIBLE TEXTS ON THE SUBJECT OF THIS GAME. AND OF YOUR STORY. **

**uu: I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING. **

**uu: BUT THAT'S OK. **

**uu: BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER. **

**uu: IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT. **

**uu: SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK. **

**uu: WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. **

**uu: OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS. **

**uu: WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME. **

**uu: AND THAT'S YOUR CHOICE TOO. **

**uu: PAGE HUMAN ENGLISH. **

**GT: Sakes alive.**

**GT: That is a bit extreme no?**

**uu: FOR YOU. PROBABLY EVEN MORE SO. **

**uu: BECAUSE AS A LOWLY PAGE. AND AS AN EVEN LOWLIER HUMAN. YOU ARE UTTERLY WORTHLESS. **

**uu: AND SO YOUR TRIALS I BELIEVE MUST INCLUDE. PROVING TO PARADOX SPACE THAT YOU EVEN DESERVE TO EXIST. IN THE FIRST PLACE. **

**uu: AND WHILE MY TRIALS WILL BE SIMILARLY GRUELING. A LORD'S WORTHINESS IS AT NO POINT EVER IN DOUBT. **

**uu: HIS NOBILITY IS MANIFEST. SUPREME MASTERY WAITS FOR HIM PATIENTLY. LIKE AN EMPTY THRONE UNDER HEAVY GUARD. **

**uu: REALITY ALREADY KNOWS I WILL PREVAIL. JUST AS IT KNEW I WOULD PREDOMINATE. **

**uu: AND SO INEVITABILITY IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE. **

**uu: IT IS MY. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT. **

**uu: BORTHRIGHT? **

**uu: BORTHRIGHT. **

**GT: I dont think thats a word.**

**GT: But hey you are the lord and i am the lowly page.**

**uu: DAMN STRAIGHT. **

**uu: NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO SERVE.**

**GT: Now just a minute buddy. Lets not get carried away.**

**GT: I have no intention of serving you. In fact im not even sure why im still talking to you!**

**GT: Youre lucky that my manners are impeccable otherwise i would have blocked you already, what with the scandalous way you have characterized my ladyfriends alone.**

**GT: Its all well and good you think we have some things in common but i wont fall for it!**

**GT: Maybe its true at times i can be a little slow on the uptake but i will not be sweet talked into doing the bidding for a silver tongued cur!**

**GT: So to you sir lord i must say GOOD DAY.**

**uu: JAKE. **

**uu: YOU STUPID SHIT. **

**uu: HOW CAN YOU BE THIS DUMB. **

**uu: ALRIGHT. FIRST OF ALL. MY TONGUE IS NOT SILVER. THAT'S VERY CLOSE TO BEING INSULTING TO ME. **

**GT: Whatever! Look i know you are not the most quickwitted fella either, so i must inform you this is what we call a "figure of speech."**

**GT: You know. Like if i said you speak with a forked tongue. Not unlike LUCIFER HIMSELF!**

**uu: BUT. I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A FORKED TONGUE. **

**GT: Oh...**

**GT: Really?**

**uu: WAIT IS THAT SERIOUSLY AN INSULT IN YOUR CULTURE? HOW IS THAT INSULTING? **

**GT: It just means you arent trustworthy, and i should not be lulled by your false promises.**

**uu: WOW. OK. WOW. **

**uu: FIRST. NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN IMBECILE. YOU'RE A FUCKING RACIST TOO. **

**GT: No im not!**

**uu: JAKE. YOU JUST SAID SOME RACIST SHIT. END OF STORY. **

**uu: SECOND OF ALL. I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR A DAMN THING. **

**uu: AS IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER ME AT ALL. **

**uu: THE VERY IDEA THAT YOU COULD IN ANY WAY IMPROVE MY EXISTENCE. IS ALMOST AS OFFENSIVE AS. YOUR FLAGRANT RACISM. **

**uu: THERE'S NO "DEAL WITH THE DEVIL" BULLSHIT GOING ON HERE. **

**uu: I'M OFFERING TO HELP YOU. STRICTLY AS A PRO BONO ARRANGEMENT. **

**uu: MY ASSISTANCE WILL BE. AN UNCONDITIONAL ACT OF BENEVIOLENCE. **

**GT: Dont you mean benevolence?**

**uu: NO. **

**GT: Um. Ok then.**

**GT: But why do you want to help me?**

**GT: Is it really just because you relate to me and therefore want me to succeed?**

**uu: LET'S NOT BE TOO SENTIMENTAL HERE. I MEAN. YEAH. I GUESS THERE'S OUR COMMON GROUND. **

**uu: BUT WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO. IS GROOM A WORTHY ADVERSARY. **

**uu: IF I HELP YOU REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. AS A PAGE OF HOPE. YOU COULD BECOME EXTREMELY POWERFUL SOME DAY. **

**uu: MAYBE EVEN POWERFUL ENOUGH TO POSE A CHALLENGE TO ME. OR MAYBE EVEN ENOUGH TO BEAT ME. **

**uu: WHEN I SAID "MEANT TO SERVE". SERVE MEANT MORE THAN ONE THING. YOU KNOW. LIKE KICK MY ASS? **

**uu: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT JAKE? DON'T YOU LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE? **

**uu: OR MAYBE I HAD YOU WRONG. MAYBE YOU ARE IN FACT A GIRLY MAN. WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE. **

**GT: Hey watch it now. Youre DARN TOOTIN i love to roughhouse!**

**uu: EXCELLENT. **

**uu: THEN OUR COMMITMENT IS SEALED. I WILL HELP YOU REACH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL. **

**uu: LET US MARK THIS PLEDGE. WITH A SPECIAL NEW DESKTOP WALLPAPER I HAVE DRAWN FOR YOU. **

**GT: Huh?**

**uu: IT IS HOW I ENVISION THE IDEALIZED DEPICTION. OF OUR COLLABORATIVE BROSMANSHIP. **

**uu: I HAVE BEEN GETTING SO MUCH BETTER LATELY. WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK AS USUAL. **

**uu: I AM ABLE TO BRING THE MANY SMALL ANGLES MOSTLY UNDER CONTROL. TO SIMULATE THE ILLUSION. OF PHOTO REALISTIC FORMS OF COLOR AND LIGHT. **

**uu: JAKE. I GIVE YOU. **

**uu: THE FINE ARTS: **

Caliborn sent Jake a drawing of them with their arms around each other, Caliborn holding Lil Cal's head and Jake holding a pumpkin.

**GT: Whoa.**

**GT: Thats uh.**

**GT: Mighty special.**

**uu: GO ON. APPLY IT TO YOUR DEVICE. **

**uu: I WILL WAIT. **

**GT: Yeah um.**

**GT: Maybe later?**

**uu: NO. DO IT NOW. **

**GT: I dont think i want it to be honest.**

**GT: No offense its actually just really shitty.**

**uu: APPLY THE WALLPAPER THIS FUCKING INSTANT YOU CRETINOUS PHILISTINE. OR THE DEAL'S OFF. **

**GT: Ok fine!**

**GT: Gad freaking zooks. Just what i need another pushy bro in my life.**

**GT: This secret training of yours better be worth it!**

**uu: IT'S NOT TRAINING. **

**uu: IT'S JUST SOME GUIDANCE FROM A FAR AWAY ALIEN. **

**uu: I WILL BE YOUR PATRON TROLL. THAT'S LIKE THIS WHOLE THING IN YOUR STORY. HAVING A PATRON TROLL. **

**GT: But i thought you werent a troll.**

**uu: OF COURSE I'M NOT A TROLL. TROLLS ARE A KIND OF PESTILENT VERMIN AND THEY SHOULD ALL SUFFER AND DIE. **

**uu: "PATRON TROLL" IS JUST A PHRASE TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND. **

**GT: Its not helping me understand though.**

**GT: Shoudlnt you be a patron cherub if anything?**

**uu: NO. GOD. DON'T MAKE UP TERMS FOR WHAT I AM. I WILL DO THAT.**

**uu: I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE. **

**uu: OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO. **

**GT: Sounds pretty gay.**

**uu: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? **

**GT: Whats what?**

**uu: GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK. **

**GT: Oh right.**

**GT: Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo.**

**GT: Its like...**

**GT: How do i explain.**

**GT: You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together.**

**GT: Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay."**

**uu: I SEE. **

**uu: THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT. **

**uu: THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL.**

**GT: Oh goody. Just the way i like my hijinks!**

**GT: So how do we start.**

**uu: THERE'S NOT MUCH TO THIS. **

**uu: I JUST TELL YOU SOME SHIT TO DO. AND THEN YOU DO IT. **

**uu: AND THE ULTIMATE DUMBNESS OF IT ALL IS. YOU PROBABLY WERE GOING TO DO A LOT OF IT ANYWAY. **

**GT: I was?**

**GT: How was i going to do the stuff if you didnt tell me to?**

**GT: You mean i was going to do it like on accident?**

**uu: NO. THE THING IS. I THINK I WAS ALWAYS GOING TO TELL YOU. **

**GT: I dont understand.**

**uu: NEITHER DO I. **

**GT: Ok then.**

**GT: Im glad we settled that.**

**uu: BUT I KIND OF GET IT ON SOME LEVEL. **

**uu: AS A LORD OF TIME. I THINK I'M GOING TO MASTER TIME. NOT WITH MY BRAIN. WHICH WOULD BE TOO HARD. BUT WITH MY INSTINCTS. **

**uu: LIKE IN A WAY THAT WORKS WITH MY NATURAL IMPULSES. SUCH AS MY AMBITION. MY WILL TO COMMIT MAYHEM. MY DESIRE TO PUNISH THOSE I DESPISE. **

**uu: SO IF I WANT YOU TO BECOME STRONG. SO YOU CAN CHALLENGE ME LATER. AND I SEE EVIDENCE. THAT YOU PROBABLY BECOME SUCCESSFUL.**

**uu: I THINK TO MYSELF. WHY SHOULDN'T I BE THE ONE TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN? IF IT'S GOING TO ANYWAY. **

**uu: I THINK PART OF MY PERSONAL QUEST. IS TO BECOME AT EASE WITH THE FORCES OF INEVITABILITY. **

**uu: INEVITABILITY THAT ALL THINGS SHOULD AND WILL FALL IN MY FAVOR. THAT ALL CAUSALITY ANSWERS TO ME. AND THAT ALL OUTCOMES NOT ONLY SERVE ME. BUT CONSIST OF MY BEING. **

**uu: SO I FEEL THAT. THE MORE I GROW IN POWER. **

**uu: THE MORE STUFF IT SHOULD TURN OUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR. **

**uu: UP TO AND INCLUDING. EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENS. **

**uu: EVEN IF IT HAS TO BE. **

**uu: RETROACTIVELY. **

**GT: Hmmmmm...**

**GT: Nope!**

**GT: Dont reckon i understand much of that either.**

**GT: But i guess im not supposed to. Me not being a time maestro or what have you.**

**GT: I guess i should be boning up on hope though. What can you tell me about that?**

**uu: I DON'T KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT HOPE. **

**uu: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FORCE OF "UNPARALLELED POWER". BUT REALLY. IT SOUNDS SO LAME. **

**uu: BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT MAKES SENSE THAT IT'S YOUR ASPECT. **

**uu: YOU STRIKE ME AS A GUY WHO IS LAME ENOUGH. TO HOPE SOMEONE TO DEATH. SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL *ME* ABOUT IT? **

**GT: Tell you about hope?**

**GT: Um well its something i think everyone should have in their hearts.**

**uu: I KNEW IT. YOU JUST SAID. **

**uu: THE LAMEST POSSIBLE THING. **

**GT: But i wasnt finished!**

**uu: FUCK. **

**GT: Hope to me is all about believing in stuff.**

**GT: If you believe in stuff then everything feels like its going to turn out ok.**

**GT: And if you believe in stuff with enough gusto i dare say it imbues that stuff with a pinch more chutzpah. Even the fake stuff!**

**GT: And then if you keep an open mind and adventurous spirit, that chutzpah flows directly into your heart, and thats when YOU have the power.**

**GT: So i think if hope grants one the power to smite villainy and vanquish hooligans thats probably where it comes from!**

**uu: NO. **

**uu: OH GOD. NO. **

**uu: THAT IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I'VE EVER READ. **

**uu: THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT. **

**GT: Well THERES your problem dude. You dont want to BELIEVE!**

**GT: Just let go and believe in things. Then youll find you had the power in you all along.**

**uu: YOU ARE SO DUMB. I JUST KEEP CAN'T BELIEVING IT. HOW TRULY STUPID YOU ARE. **

**uu: WHATEVER. FORGET I ASKED. **

**uu: I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT HOPE IS REALLY ABOUT. INSTEAD OF THAT INSIPID BULLSHIT. **

**uu: ONCE YOU BECOME A GOD TIER.**

**GT: How do i do that?**

**uu: YOU GO TO PROSPIT. GET ON YOUR QUEST SARSWAPAGUS. AND FUCKING DIE. **

**GT: Die?**

**uu: YEAH. YOU OFF YOURSELF WITHOUT HESITATION. **

**uu: OR FAILING THAT. DUE TO PATHETIC COWARDICE. **

**uu: YOU WAIT AROUND TO BE SLAIN SERENDIPITOUSLY. **

**uu: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I HAVE ALL THIS UNDER CONTROL. **

**uu: IT'S ONE OF THE WAYS I'M HELPING YOU TO THE TOP. **

**GT: Ok then. I will choose to believe you.**

**GT: See what i did there? I just scored a few more hope points!**

**GT: By strengthening my trust in you as well as our burgeoning friendship.**

**GT: Oh also, friendship is a HUGE key to being good at hope. I forgot to mention that.**

**uu: GROAN. **

**uu: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU CHALLENGE ME. **

**uu: SO I CAN BEAT YOU SENSELESS WITH MY CANE. **

**GT: Me neither!**

**GT: So you say you will help me be a god tier...**

**GT: But there are other ways you will help too?**

**uu: YES. **

**uu: I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIFT. **

**uu: IT IS MY JUJU. **

**GT: Neat!**

**GT: But what the bejesus is a juju?**

**uu: I REALLY FIND IT HARD. TO COMPREHEND WHAT SORT OF ASSHOLE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A JUJU IS. **

**uu: BUT SINCE I AM YOUR PATRON MANBRO. I WILL PUT ASIDE THOSE FEELINGS. AND ATTEMPT TO BE A LITTLE MORE GAY. **

**GT: That would be hunky dory.**

**GT: In my view distinguished gentlemen should always strive to be as gay as possible with each other.**

**uu: AMEN TO FUCKING THAT. **

**uu: ANYWAY. A JUJU IS A MAGICAL THING. IT HAS NO REAL BEGINNING OR END. **

**uu: THEY'RE JUST ALWAYS AROUND. THERE FOR YOU. **

**uu: YOU GROW UP WITH THEM. AND THEY BRING YOU COMFORT. AND YOU NEVER QUESTION THEIR EXISTENCE. **

**uu: IT'S LIKE SOME OF THE SHIT YOU HAD IN YOUR ROOM AS A KID. EXCEPT NOT USELESS GARBAGE. AND MORE MAGICAL. **

**uu: THEY ALWAYS HAVE RULES. AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE OWNERS. **

**uu: YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE'S JUJU. IF THE OWNER WAS KILLED. **

**uu: OR IF HE GIVES IT TO YOU FREELY. LIKE I'M DOING. **

**uu: SO I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE TO MAKE IT YOURSELF. **

**uu: ONCE YOU DO. IT SHOULD DISAPPEAR FROM MY CHEST. AND IT WILL NO LONGER BE MINE.**

Caliborn grinned, exposing a golden tooth.

**GT: Sounds straight forward enough.**

**GT: Whats the code?**

**uu: IT IS:**

**uu: uROBuROS**

**uu: BE CAREFUL. THAT IS CASE SENSITIVE.**

**GT: Ok.**

**uu: I WOULD TELL YOU THE CODE FOR MY SISTER'S JUJU. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.**

**uu: A WHILE AGO I WENT TO GET HER JUJU. BUT THE FUCKING THING WAS GONE ALREADY.**

**uu: I THINK THE CRAFTY BITCH ALREADY GAVE IT AWAY.**

**GT: Hmm.**

**GT: We could try to guess it maybe?**

**uu: FORGET IT. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE PROBABLY INFINITE.**

**GT: Yeah. Youre probably right.**

**GT: So what sort of magical properties does your juju have?**

**uu: I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT DOES.**

**uu: I HAVE NEVER TRIED IT. BECAUSE IT WAS TOO PRECIOUS TO ME.**

**uu: WHATEVER MINE DOES. MY SISTER'S PROBABLY DOES THE OPPOSITE THING.**

**uu: BUT WHAT THEY DO INDIVIDUALLY. PALES IN COMPARISON TO WHAT THEY CAN DO TOGETHER.**

**uu: WHEN COMBINED. THE JUJUS BECOME THE MOST MAGIC THING EVER.**

**uu: THEY CAN MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. AND EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. WILL MAGICALLY FALL INTO PLACE.**

**GT: Really?**

**GT: That sounds almost too good to be true.**

**GT: If you dont even know what your juju does by itself why do you think they do that together?**

**uu: BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL MY FUCKING HEART. YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.**

**GT: Oh why didnt you say so! Thats all i needed to hear!**

**GT: See youre getting the hang of hope already.**

**uu: YEAH. I GUESS.**

**uu: THE BOTTOM LINE IS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.**

**uu: JUST TAKE MY JUJU. HAVE FAITH IN YOUR PATRON DUDE. AND LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME.**

**GT: Roger that mr lord.**

**GT: Say. Dont you have a name? We know your sisters name... cant we know yours now too?**

**uu: NO.**

**uu: THERE ARE MANY THINGS YOU SHOULDNT KNOW ABOUT ME. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.**

**uu: IF YOU KNEW THEM. IF YOU EVEN KNEW MY NAME.**

**uu: YOU WOULD SHIT YOUR PANTS HARDER THAN ANY HUMAN EVER HAS.**

**uu: SO YOU MAY CONTINUE REFERRING TO ME AS YOUR LORD.**

**GT: Well i surely dont want to spoil any clean trousers.**

**GT: Even though your warning sounds a little hyperbolic i will trust you.**

**GT: Um. My lord.**

**GT: Heheheh when i call you that people could mistake our conversation for a nefarious and underhanded collusion among felons!**

**uu: SHUT THE FUCK UP.**

**GT: As you wish... MY LORD.**

**GT: HEHEHEHEHEH!**

**uu: UGH.**

**GT: So lord. May i ask...**

**GT: Why are you giving me your juju if it is so dear to you?**

**GT: Is your commitment to this manbro boypledge of yours really that strong?**

**GT: If so im really impressed. I would have a really hard time giving my favorite stuff away to a total stranger.**

**uu: DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.**

**uu: THE GESTURE IS RELATIVELY MEANINGLESS. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS.**

**uu: I HAVE FOUND A NEW JUJU. A MUCH BETTER JUJU.**

**uu: A JUJU THAT MAKES ALL OTHER JUJUS LOOK LIKE FRIVOLOUS CHILDISH NONSENSE IN COMPARISON.**

**GT: Yeah? Then that is quite a treasure you found.**

**GT: Where did you get it? Did you plunder a tomb or such?**

**uu: SORT OF.**

**uu: IT WAS EXCAVATED FROM THIS PLANET'S SOIL.**

**uu: ALONG WITH SOME OTHER ARTIFACTS.**

**uu: AND GIVEN TO ME.**

**uu: BY MY INFURIATING ASSHOLE MENTOR.**

**uu: A MAN WHO IS AN INVINCIBLE CLOWN.**

**GT: Well that sounds nice of him. He cant be that much of an asshole if he gave you such a nice present can he?**

**uu: NO, BELIEVE ME. HE CAN.**

**GT: I had a clown give me a nice present once too. I would never have met my good friend mr erisol without the kindness of that clown.**

**uu: YEAH. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING CLOWN SOMEHOW.**

**uu: I'M TELLING YOU. THIS ASSHOLE IS ETERNAL. AND THE BEINGS HE CREATES FOR YOUR PARTY ARE DISGUSTING ABOMINATIONS.**

**uu: BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO? NOTHING, I HAVE LEARNED. HE'S A CLOWN. THE RULES ARE. CLOWNS CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. BECAUSE OF MIRACLES. AND HOLD NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR DEEDS.**

**uu: I DON'T LIKE IT. BUT THOSE ARE THE RULES.**

**GT: So whats this juju he gave you?**

**uu: SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.**

**uu: A WONDERFUL LITTLE FALSE MAN.**

Gamzee, free of all wounds, stood next to Caliborn with a complacent grin on his face. Caliborn held a battered Lil Cal in one hand. Nearby, a rusty and battered Lil Seb rolled around on a red orb of some sort.

**uu: AND THE IRONY IS. I HAVE SEEN HIM BEFORE. **

**uu: BUT I REGARDED HIM WITH SUSPICION AND FEAR. **

**uu: I WAS A FOOL THOUGH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE SPECIAL BOND WITH HIM THAT I HAD. **

**uu: BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A CHANCE. TO GAZE SOULFULLY INTO HIS BEAUTIFUL EYES. **

**uu: AND COMMUNE WITH THE DOLL. IN A PERSONAL AND INTIMATE WAY. **

**GT: Gosh...**

**GT: That might just be the gayest thing ive ever heard.**

**uu: THANK YOU. **

**uu: YOUR HUMAN CONCEPT OF GAYNESS. ADEQUATELY DESCRIBES THE FEELINGS I HAVE. WHEN I EMBRACE MY PERFECT FLOPPY LITTLE MAN. **

**uu: THE THING IS. I UNDERSTAND HIM MORE NOW. **

**uu: BEFORE I THOUGHT HE WAS A CURSED VESSEL OF MISFORTUNE. WHICH SEEMED EERILY EMPTY TO ME. **

**uu: HE WAS HOLLOW. NOT YET FILLED WITH BAD JUJU. **

**uu: AND LOOKING IN HIS EYES NOW. I SEE. THAT I WAS RIGHT. ALMOST. **

**uu: HE IS EMPTY RIGHT NOW. BUT A JUJU FOLLOWS A LONG AND WINDING PATH ON ITS ETERNAL JOURNEY. **

**uu: AND HE WILL NOT BE EMPTY FOREVER.**

**uu: SOMEWHERE ALONG HIS JOURNEY. **

**uu: IN SOME WAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND YET. **

**uu: HE WILL STOP BEING EMPTY. **

**uu: AND HIS CURSE WILL COME TO LIFE. **

**uu: AND WHEREVER HE GOES. TO WHATEVER UNIVERSE OR PLANE OF REALITY. **

**uu: ALL WHO EXIST THERE. WILL EXPERIENCE NOTHING BUT MISERY AND DEATH.**

**uu: YOU SEE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A CURSED JUJU. **

**uu: WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO NERVOUS ABOUT HIM BEFORE. **

**uu: BUT ALL ALONG. THERE WAS NOTHING FOR ME TO FEAR. **

**uu: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW. THROUGH INTENSIVE COMMUNION WITH THIS PRECIOUS MYSTICAL PUPPET. **

**uu: THAT THE CURSE WHICH WILL BLOSSOM IN HIS FLUFFY HEART. WILL DO SO. **

**uu: BECAUSE OF ME!**

**uu: I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. **

**uu: BUT WHEN I LOOK DEEP INTO HIS EYES. **

**uu: I CAN FEEL HIM OUT THERE. **

**uu: IN LATER STAGES OF HIS LIFE. **

**uu: BY WHICH I MEAN. **

**uu: I CAN FEEL *MYSELF*. **

**uu: THROUGH HIM SOMEHOW. **

**uu: AS IF MY ESSENCE WILL ONE DAY BECOME. **

**uu: ENTANGLED WITH THE VOID. **

**uu: AND THEN MYSTERIOUSLY ACCESSIBLE. **

**uu: THROUGH MY SOFT HAPPY PAL.**

**uu: AND ALL THOSE ALONG THE WAY. **

**uu: WHO HE DEEMS WORTHY. **

**uu: OF ACCEPTING INTO HIS CUSTODY. **

**uu: IF THEY SHOULD DARE TO FONDLY GAZE. **

**uu: INTO HIS SPARKLING BABY BLUES.**

**uu: THEY WILL BE PEERING THROUGH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WINDOWS.**

**uu: INTO MY HIDEOUS SOUL.**


	246. Book 14 Chapter 15: Juju

Chapter 15: Juju

Jane entered the upstairs hallway after completing a successful sadjump onto her balcony. Finally, some peace and quiet. Hopefully she would find some respite from all the cyber bullying and teen drama she'd had to deal with lately. It'd been a while since she'd been home. She was reminded immediately of simpler times. When it had just been her and her Dad, and she could always smell something baking in the oven. Actually, thinking about those days was just making her more emotional. Maybe coming home had been a bad idea.

She looked at a painting on the wall in the hallway. Here was this familiar douche bag again. A hallway fixture, ever since Dad had stopped pretending to like detectives and sitcom guys for her sake. Her Dad had loved this douche bag, whoever he was. This guy was probably the closest thing she had left to a father, now that her dad was most likely dead.

She considered going to his bedroom, but decided against it. The ties and hats strewn about, the melange of aftershave and cologne, the childhood photos he kept of her... no, those reminders could only lead to another mental breakdown. She'd never forget the first breakdown she'd had when she'd snuck into his room. She'd found an unwrapped present before her birthday. It was a box of Gushers, and she was stunned to realize that awful gooey fruit snack was manufactured by the very same company she'd been due to inherit. As everything she'd thought she'd known had come crashing down around her, that day she swore the moment she ascended to the throne of the BCCorp empire, she would issue an immediate global recall of the foul product and discontinue it forever. She'd often joked that the snacks were so nasty, it was almost like they were filled with multicolored slime harvested from plump extraterrestrial larva. When she'd told her dad about her plans for the product, they'd both had a good laugh.

Ugh. She had to stop remembering things about her father. It was just way too sad.

The characteristically tight-lipped hallway Cera unsurprisingly had no advice for Jane regarding the tragic loss of a family member. She could always relate to the role he'd played as George Michael, the dorky child of a single, doting father. But unlike her, George Michael had always been surrounded by an extended family and their hilarious antics, and he would never know the tragedy of losing everyone he'd ever loved. Jane suddenly resented George Michael and the hallway Cera altogether for the happy ending he'd been allowed to have with his father which she would never get to experience.

In fact, she thought she was starting to hate the hallway Cera. Someone needed to wipe that smug look off his face.

She drew a beagle puss on him in a light blue marker.

HOO HOO HOO!

HOO…

Hoo.

She… she guessed it was _kinda_ funny?

No. It was not funny at all. It was depressing. She was depressing herself now.

Jane's prankster gambit went into a tailspin and hit rock bottom. She had never felt so sad and unfunny in her entire life.

She began to cry again. The hallway Cera glared in judgement at her weakness through his unfunny puss.

Tears running down her cheeks, Jane entered her room. Hey, there was her old unreal heiress thoughtwave tiaratop. She hadn't used that thing in ages. It was probably for the best that she'd stopped. She was pretty sure it had been doing funny things to her head. Maybe she shouldn't have come here either. All she saw was more stuff to remind her why she was feeling super down above everything.

She examined the wall Tobias. Jake had sent her this periwinkle heartthrob pinup back when she'd still been able to think about him without feeling horrible about herself. Those were the days…

It was funny how looking at a thoughtful gift which had once brought her such delight now only precipitated feelings of bitterness. Even the innocent Mr. Funke was caught in the crossfire of her lamentations. How could Tobias be so clueless? How could he not see the pain he was causing with his oblivious demeanor, his repressed feelings of attraction toward men, and his total inability to understand other people's feelings in spite of his credentials as an analrapist? Of course on the tv show, his buffoonery had resulted in laughs galore. But if that had been in real life, Jane didn't think there would be anything funny about the situation. In reality, Tobias and his family would probably never have stopped being sad. She thought she was starting to hate the wall Tobias too.

On the other hand, her wall Swanson was still beyond reproach, and Mr. Swanson continued to be the perfect man. Jane knew for a fact that he wouldn't put up with any of Jake's bullshit. She considered doing the thing where she kissed the poster, but she was feeling way too depressed for that sort of frivolous flapdoodle.

Aaaand, wouldn't you know it. Just the guy she'd wanted to hear from. This ought to be good. Jane put the tiaratop on.

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**GT: Jane are you there?**

**GT: I wouldnt blame you for not answering since i was such a shitty boor to you last time.**

**GT: I just wanted to formally say happy birthday.**

**GT: And also to pass along a birthday present.**

**GT: I doubt it will make up for all the ways ive hurt your feelings but maybe it will be a start?**

**GT: Its some fancy juju thingamabob that calliopes bro gave to me.**

**GT: He specifically gave it to me to make me better so i could get stronger and punch him in the snout some day or something?**

**GT: I dunno about that. I dont think i care about becoming a great hero and challenging a weird grumpy alien all that much.**

**GT: Not nearly as much as my friendship with you.**

**GT: So i want you to have it instead.**

**GT: Just use the code to make it. The code is...**

**GT: Um...**

**GT: ORBROBuRBROS?**

**GT: No wait.**

**GT: Thats way too long...**

**GT: uBORBuBROS?**

**GT: How many letters were codes supposed to have?**

**GT: Fuck.**

**GT: BROBuROBuT**

**GT: ORuBuBROBOS**

**GT: No. Uh...**

**GT: BROBRO... something?**

**GT: Wait no there were definitely some little u's in it...**

**GT: Shit. I really should have copied it down before i closed the chat window.**

**GT: OuROBOuRBON**

**GT: BuRBORuBROS...**

**GT: Wow those arent even close.**

**GT: Hang on let me think.**

**gutsyGumshoe [GG]** **ceased being bothered by ****golgothasTerror [GT]**

She closed the chat client without a word. She could not _believe_ that guy. Trying to regift her a present, from that ASSHOLE of all people?! She didn't want anything to do with that horrible creep. She didn't care how magic he was. He could take his stupid juju and shove it up his patoot.

She grabbed the wall Tobias and tore it in half. Sorry Tobias, but Jane's decided that you represent Jake for the purpose of this angry outburst.

Suddenly, she realized she was being pestered by Calliope. Oh no. Oh no this conversation was going to make her even sadder wasn't it.

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **began cheering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**UU: happy birthday, jane! ^u^ **

**forgive me for sUbmitting this letter and logging off right away, bUt i am breaking with oUr UsUal linear dialogUe, and i'd rather not tempt either of Us to trade caUsal spoilers. i wanted to give yoU a present. something told me yoU coUld Use a pick-me-Up aboUt now. :u **

**i am sending yoU the code for my jUjU. it may not be easy for a hUman to Understand, bUt jUjUs are very special to my people. so when i give yoU this gift, it is indicative of how mUch yoUr friendship has meant to me, jane. it has some magical properties, bUt nothing too fancy on its own. i hope it will bring a smile to yoUr face nevertheless. bUt if yoU want to know the trUth, it will become infinitely more UsefUl if it is combined with my brother's jUjU. perhaps when we begin playing oUr game, i will be able to convince him to relinqUish it. one of these days he'll Understand working with others is going to be necessary if he wants to accomplish anything. **

**i am so looking forward to my session and catching Up to where yoU are now! i can only imagine what kind of adventUres yoU mUst have been throUgh already. i can't help bUt think we've been feverishly trading notes on oUr respective qUests since yoU entered, no? maybe yoU are even tired of hearing from me by now! u_u apologies both retroactively and in advance for talking yoUr lovely hUman ear off. bUt i jUst know i won't be able to contain my excitement! **

**anyhow, the code for my jUjU is: "UrobUros" **

**ta!**

**uranianUmbra [UU]** **ceased cheering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

Jane began to sob hard. She'd been right. That conversation had made her so, so sad. SO sad.

The tiaratop began to hum loudly and then, without warning, shocked her forehead. She heard The Condesce's voice echo through her head.

**gurl**

**u there gurl**

She slammed the tiaratop to the ground and sprinted out of the room to the Punch Designix to begin the alchemization process.

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: jane**

**TG: jane**

**TG: jane**

**TG: jane**

**TG: janes 4 ev**

**TG: /take deepest jane yellin breath**

**TG: JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOmfg yeah right**

**TG: like there is any chance u answer me**

**TG: with today being international everybody ignore roxy day**

**TG: LEEEEE sigh**

**TG: like**

**TG: doing literally the frenchest of possible sighs over here**

**TG: its wearing a lopsided beret in the city of goddamn light falling in FUCKING love**

**TG: such is my sigh**

**TG: am packing TOTES ennui janey**

**TG: or shd i say...**

**TG: ennOUI ;)**

**TG: wait**

**TG: ennui is probably already a french word?**

**TG: not sure that one needs anymore frenching up...**

**TG: i should know this b cause my last name is french sounding**

**TG: even tho im p sure my mom did not hail from france**

**TG: idk**

**TG: who even "LA CARES"**

**TG: hehehe fuck you, A CERTAIN LANGUAGE**

**TG: uum yeah**

**TG: so the report is **

**TG: that i already said to some chumps &amp; im getting max fatigued repeatin it **

**TG: im on derse we need to be god tiers and die on slabs n junk**

**TG: + im invisible cause of ring **

**TG: w/e **

**TG: oh **

**TG: i think your dads here and hes probably alright? **

**TG: so theres that **

**TG: oh! **

**TG: i saw callie 2 shes ok **

**TG: well i mean shes dead **

**TG: but in ghost form **

**TG: so shes as ok as one can be who is also dead **

**TG: which is apparently just fine? **

**TG: so the lesson of the moral is u can be way fine &amp; dead at sames time **

**TG: jane let us now reflect upon the weighty existential ramifications of that thing i said **

**TG: yesssss **

**TG: just me an my bestie, ballin hecka reveries 2day **

**TG: the biggest questions which have tormented the wisest scholars and pundits for mad epochs just got so roflariously owned **

**TG: hey callie also said she would send you a bday thing? **

**TG: did u get **

**TG: she must have sent a code **

**TG: which you have to make urself **

**TG: so **

**TG: maybe youre doin that now? **

**TG: hope ur doin that **

**TG: im real curious 2 know what it is suddenly **

**TG: man **

**TG: im bored**

**TG: like we got all this big deal crap to do and i cant even talk to no one **

**TG: jane **

**TG: ambiguous voidey powers notwithstanding **

**TG: im starting 2 think i might be genetically predisposed to ramblin at length into empty chat clients **

**TG: well **

**TG: hit me up if up see this **

**TG: maybe ill try 2 txt fefeta **

**TG: my dear precious fefeta **

**TG: i know SHE would never ignore me ;3 **

**TG: SWOOOOON + 33333 FEFETA, AND THUS MAKING CROCKER SO JELLIES **

**)(IC: yo dont fuck with my heiress**

**)(IC: gurl got royal bidness porpoises to attend**

**)(IC: and do not even T)(INK i dont know you out a jail bitch**

**)(IC: you take a flip thru ma secret jam yet**

**)(IC: dat sparkle shit i left w tha dance clowns on**

**TG: oh noes **

**TG: is the witch **

**TG: ._. **

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased bothering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

No point standing around while getting brainwashed by her computer. Jane decided to make herself useful and see what all this juju fuss was about. She alchemized Calliope's juju, which was… a green sucker, at a cost of negative one unit of zillium. Which she guessed meant… she gained one unit of zillium in addition to the sucker. Ok?

Jane wasn't a big fan of Caliborn, but since these jujus were supposed to do something special together, she figured what the hell. She easily deduced the code Jake had been trying to remember. It was uROBuROS. Come on Jake, use your head. Hadn't he ever heard of the mythical snake biting its own tail? She worried about that kid sometimes. Anyway, the code for Caliborn's juju was going to be the same as Calliope's, but written in the reverse case to match his quirk. Once again Jane's gumshoeing skills paid huge dividends.

Gamzee was hiding behind the Alchemiter, and he watched as Jane produced a red sucker. This unsurprisingly yielded another unit of zillium.

** ?**

Yes, suckers. What was so magical about these things? She guessed she was just supposed to lick them. But what magic thing could possibly happen if she licked these, and what was so special about having both of them? Jujus were so mysterious. She picked them up, one in each hand.

Wait… they seemed to be attracted to each other. Like magnets. Whoa. Very STRONG magnets!

She couldn't keep them apart. They snapped together to form a single spiral sucker. The urge to lick it was suddenly overwhelming. It looked so delicious. She was presumably being compelled to lick the sucker by some powerful juju enchantment. But it was making her nervous. She had to resist!

Must…

Not…

Lick…

THE JUJU!

She brought the juju to her face and gave it a long lick.

**ENG****A****GE** **T****RI****CKS****TER** **MODE****!** :D :D :D :D :D

Jane's shirt had turned yellow and her Problem Sleuth monster logo had turned pink. She had pink and blue stockings, red shoes, cyan swirls on her cheeks, and a blue cupcake in her now pink hair. Even her eyes had changed color, turning cyan. A permanent grin was painted on her face. She held the spiral sucker in one hand, spinning it exuberantly around in circles as she danced around the balcony. Gamzee just stared.

Jane blasted off from LOCAH, emanating waves of pure trickster power, causing the entire half of the planet nearest her to erupt into a colorful jungle. Gamzee was knocked backwards with a loud "honk".

END OF ACT 5 ACT 1.

To be continued in Book 15: Of Gods and Tricksters 


	247. WHEEEEEEEEEEE CHAPTER ONE YAY!

WHEEEEEEEEEEE CHAPTER ONE YAY TRICKSTER MODE!

Caliborn stared in fascination as Jane flew through The Medium, waving the spiral sucker around frantically. She arrived at LOMAX and flew down towards Jake, still grinning.

**JANE: ****J****A****K****E****!**

Jake looked up as she approached.

**JANE: ****J****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****K****E****!**

He turned around and stared at her.

**JANE: ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E ****J****A****K****E****!**

**JAKE: Jane?**

**JAKE: Is that you?**

**JANE: HI JAKE!**

**JANE: ****WHEEEEEEEEEEE!**

**JANE: JAKE IT'S ME JANE HA HA!  
JANE: ****HEY JAKE YOU KNOW WHAT!  
****JANE: I LOVE YOU!  
JANE: ****ISN'T THAT GREAT?****  
****JAKE: Jane uh...  
JAKE: What the hell happened to you?  
****JANE: ****I ALWAYS DID LOVE YOU!  
****JANE: BUT I WAS TOO AFRAID TO SAY SO!  
JANE: ****BUT NOW I'M NOT!  
****JANE: YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!  
****JAKE: What?  
JAKE: Really?  
****JANE: ****OH YES!  
****JANE: I WAS SO SAD BEFORE!  
JANE: ****BUT NOW I'M HAPPY!  
****JANE: WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
JANE: ****YOU LOVE ME TOO RIGHT JAKE?****  
JANE: HEY JAKE!  
JANE: ****LET'S KISS!****  
****JAKE: Jane  
JAKE: I...  
JAKE: um  
****JANE: LET'S KISS A WHOLE LOT AND GET MARRIED!  
JANE: ****THEN LET'S HAVE BABIES!  
****JANE: YOU WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME DON'T YOU JAKE?  
****JAKE: Jane youre frightening me!**

He backed up slightly.

**JANE: ****WHAT AHAHAHA!  
****JANE: THERE'S NO NEED TO BE SCARED YOU SILLY GOOSE!  
JANE: ****BECAUSE I'M HAPPY AND IN LOVE WITH YOU! CAN'T YOU SEE?  
****JAKE: No jane you are seriously scaring the shit out of me!  
JAKE: You seem unwell...  
JAKE: Are you sure youre alright?  
****JANE: AM I ALRIGHT?  
JANE: ****JAKE! I'M MORE THAN ALRIGHT!****  
JANE: I FEEL SO GREAT!**

**JANE: ****I FEEL SO ALIVE!**

As Erisol looked on, Jane grabbed Jake's shirt collar and shook him excitedly. Jake thought about how he might abscond.

**JANE: I FEEL SO...**

**JANE: ****PEACHY!**

**JAKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Jane kicked Jake in the crotch and the boy flew out of his shoes and backwards off the hill they were on.

**JAKE: HUNKy dory!**

He yelled as he flew through the air.

**JAKE: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo****o****o****o****o****h****h****h****y****e****s****s****s****s****!**

Jake's shirt became green and the symbol became a picture of Lil Cal's face. A mini pumpkin appeared in his hair. His pupils turned dark green, and swirls the same color appeared on his cheeks.

**ENG****AGE** **TRI****CKS****TER** **MODE****!**


	248. YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

**JAKE: ****W****H****E****E****E****E****E****E****E****E****E****E****E****!****  
****JANE: Y****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****Y****!****  
****JAKE: ****JANE! HEY JANE!**

**JANE: YES JAKE!  
****JAKE: ****JANE TAKE MY HAND AND FLY AWAY WITH ME!  
****JANE: OK JAKE! JAKE WHERE ARE WE GOING?  
****JAKE: ****WHY OFF TO ADVENTURE OF COURSE!****  
****JANE: OF COURSE!  
****JAKE: ****OH JANE!****  
****JANE: ****YES JAKE?****  
****JAKE: ****I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID!****  
JAKE: ****ABOUT HOW YOU LOVE ME AND WANT TO MARRY ME?****  
****JANE: YES! WHAT ABOUT THAT!  
****JAKE: ****LETS DO IT!  
****JAKE: ****LETS DO ROMANCE WITH EACH OTHER.  
JANE: ****YOU REALLY WANT TO?  
****JAKE: ****YES!  
JANE: ****THE KIND WHERE WE KISS AND SUCH?  
****JAKE: ****INDUBITABLY!  
****JAKE: ****IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS WED GET HITCHED HERE AND NOW!  
****JANE: OH YES, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT IF WE GOT MARRIED AND KISSED A LOT!  
****JAKE: ****ALSO I BELIEVE YOU MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT BABIES?  
****JANE: YES! BABIES!  
****JAKE: ****I THINK YOURE RIGHT!  
****JAKE: ****WE SHOULD HAVE SO MANY BABIES TOGETHER JANE!  
JANE: ****HOW MANY BABIES JAKE?  
****JAKE: ****OH I DONT KNOW. MAYBE...****  
JAKE: ****A ZILLION?  
JANE: ****YEAH!  
****JAKE:** **IT WILL INVOLVE HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS TOGETHER!  
JANE: ****I SHOULD HOPE SO!  
****JAKE: ****WE SHOULD COMMENCE SUCH ACTIVITIES POST HASTE!  
****JAKE: ****BUT NOT BEFORE OUR ADVENTURE!  
****JAKE: ****ARE YOU COMING MR ERISOL?**  
**ERISOLSPRITE: fuck no.**

Jake held out his sprite pendant.

**JAKE:** **OH YES YOU ARE! HOP IN BUDDY!  
****ERISOLSPRITE: fuck you, fuck my liife, fuck liiterally evverything, fuck fuck fuck.****  
****JANE:** **H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****!****  
****JAKE:** **H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****H****A****!**

Erisolsprite was sucked into the pendant.

Together, the rambunctious teenagers flew to Derse.

**JAKE: ****ROXY!  
JANE: ****ROXY!  
****JAKE:** **ROXYYYYYYYYYYY!****  
****JANE: ****ROXYYYYYYYYYYY!  
****JAKE: ****COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!  
JANE: ****WE HAVE CANDY! DO YOU LIKE CANDY?  
****JAKE: ****DONT BE SILLY JANE OF COURSE SHE LIKES CANDY!  
JANE: ****HOO HOO, YOU'RE RIGHT! EVERYONE LOVES CANDY!  
****JAKE: ****ROXY WHATS THE MATTER! DONT BE SHY!  
****JAKE: ****THERES NO REASON TO BE SHY! LOOK HOW HAPPY WE ARE!  
****JANE: OH YES, IT'S SO TRUE.  
JANE: ****IT TURNS OUT WE SOLVED ALL OF OUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS FOREVER, AND NOW WE'RE IN LOVE!  
****JAKE: ****WE ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED AND HAVE MANY CHILDREN!  
JANE: ****YES! WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO OUR WEDDING?  
****JANE: YOU CAN BE THE BRIDESMAID!  
****JAKE: ****YEAH! OR HECK MAYBE JUST ANOTHER BRIDE!  
****JANE: BUT JAKE! THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ONLY ONE BRIDE, AND THAT WILL BE ME!****  
JAKE: ****THATS TRUE JANE. BUT WHAT IF IT WOULD MAKE ROXY HAPPY TO MARRY ME AS WELL?  
****JANE: WOW YOU'RE RIGHT! SHUCKS, I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT. YOU'RE SO SWEET AND THOUGHTFUL JAKE!****  
JAKE: ****THANKS JANE! I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HOW IM TOO SELF CENTERED SO I THOUGHT ID TRY BEING A BETTER PERSON!  
****JAKE: ****THERES PLENTY OF ME FOR EVERYONE TO MARRY!  
JANE: ****YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' JAKE! NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, IT WOULD BE SO MUCH FUN TO LET ROXY BE THE CO-BRIDE!  
****JAKE:** **INDEED. AND FOR ALL WE KNOW ROXY MAY WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME AS WELL!  
JANE: ****HAHA, YEAH!  
****JANE: BUT ONLY AS LONG AS I GET TO HAVE SOME BABIES FIRST! I CALLED DIBS, REMEMBER?****  
JAKE: ****ABSOTIVELY POSILUTELY MY DARLING JANE!**

**ROXY: (oh dear god)**

They floated through the streets of Derse, chasing after the invisible Roxy.

**JAKE: ****JANE I THINK ROXY IS PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK WITH US!  
JANE: ****JAKE I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT! OH BOY, THIS SHOULD BE A BLAST!**

They ran into the Courtyard Droll.

******JAKE: ****YOU THERE! THE MAN IN THE TALL RUMPLED HAT!  
****JAKE: ****HAVE YOU SEEN OUR FRIEND ROXY?  
****JANE: WHAT'S THE MATTER LITTLE FELLA? CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?  
****JAKE: ****YOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!  
****JANE: ROLAAAAAAAAAAAL!****  
JAKE: ****OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!  
****JANE: WHERE EVER HAS MY BFFST GOTTEN OFF TO!  
****ROXY: (shit shit shit shit shit shit shit)**

**JANE:** **JAKE I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE MIGHT BE!  
****JAKE: ****WHATS THAT JANE!  
JANE: ****ROXY IS STILL EMBARRASSED ABOUT THAT ONE TIME SHE COULDN'T KISS ME!  
****JAKE: ****SHE IS?  
JANE: ****ROXY DID YOU HEAR ME?  
****JANE: YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT I ACTUALLY DID KNOW ABOUT IT!  
JANE: ****DIRK TOLD ME ONCE. IT WAS A SECRET!  
****JANE: BUT IT'S PERFECTLY FINE! THERE'S NO NEED TO BE UNHAPPY AT ALL!  
JANE:** **I WILL LET YOU KISS ME RIGHT NOW TO MAKE UP FOR IT!****  
JANE: THAT WAY YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS AND EVERYTHING WILL BE WONDERFUL!****  
JAKE: ****OH YES! LETS ALL OVERCOME OUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS AND GROW TOGETHER AS BETTER HUMAN BEINGS!  
****JANE: HOW DOES THAT SOUND ROXY?  
JANE: ****DOESN'T THAT SOUND GREAT! COME HERE AND GIVE ME A BIG HAPPY SMOOCH!  
****JAKE: ****OH MY GOD I CANT WAIT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN!**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering** **)(er Imperious Condescension**

**TG: batterwitch pls help**

**TG: my friends are completely insane**

**TG: can you throw me back in jail :(**

**)(IC: gurl u made your cocoon**

**)(IC: DWI**

**)(er Imperious Condescension** **logged the fuck out.**

Roxy began to tiptoe away as she saw Jake appear around the corner.

**JAKE:** **SHES AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE JANE. I CAN FEEL IT!  
****JAKE: ****MARCO!  
JANE: ****POLO!  
****JAKE: ****MARCO!  
JANE: ****POLO!  
****ROXY: (u stupid shits thats not how the game works!)**

Trickster Jake appearified a pumpkin with a large flashing question mark carved into it.

**JAKE: ****M****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****R****C****O****!**

**JANE: ****P****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****O****L****O****!**

Jane loomed imposingly over Roxy, her eyes swirling with the cherubs' blood colors.

**ROXY: (im so boned)**

While Roxy was distracted with Jane in front of her, Jake snuck up behind her and threw the pumpkin onto her head.

Suddenly, Roxy was wearing a yellow shirt with a green version of her cat symbol, which had hearts for eyes. Her teal hair was swirled with cotton candy. Her pupils turned pink, and pink swirls appeared on her cheeks.

**ENG****AGE** **TRI****CKS****TER** **MODE****!**


	249. HAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAH

In his jail cell on Derse, Dad Crocker stared down at them with fatherly disapproval.

Jane, Roxy, and Jake all held hands, Jane grabbing CD along with them, and flew into the sky. CD's hat fell off.

**ROXY: ****JAKE THX FOR BOMPIN ME WITH THAT PUMPKIN I WAS BEING SUCH A SQUARE!  
****JAKE: ****MY PLEASURE ROXY!  
****ROXY: ****THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER LOL IM MAX OVERJOYED ABOUT STUFF  
****JANE: HIP HIP HOORAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
****ROXY: ****JANE UR RIGHT KISSIN YOU WOULD BE SUPER CATHARTIC AND MAKE UP FOR ALL MY PAST MISTAKES + FEELIN BAD ABOUT MYSELF  
****ROXY: ****OVERCOMING PERSONAL PROBLEMS RULES!****  
JAKE: ****ROXY AND JANE THIS IS SO CAPITAL. THAT WE ARE TOGETHER LIKE THIS AND HAPPY.  
****JANE: I AGREE SO MUCH JAKE!  
JANE: ****BUT THE FUN HARDLY SEEMS COMPLETE WITHOUT DIRK!  
****JAKE: ****OH GOLLY YOURE RIGHT! LETS GO SEE HIM STRAIGHTAWAY!  
****ROXY: ****WHOA HEY HOLD UP U GAIS  
****ROXY: ****BEFORE WE GO C DIRK OR GET TRIPLE MARRIED PLUS BABBIES OR WHATEVER I WANNA MAKE A PIT STOP!  
JANE: ****A PIT STOP ROXY?****  
****ROXY: ****YEAH WE GOT 2 GET FEFETA IN ON THIS SHIT!  
****ROXY: ****NOBODY EVER CONSIDERS POOR DEAR SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET SWEET FEFETA!  
****JAKE: ****OH NO! YOURE SPOT ON ROXY LETS GO GET FEFETA AND MAKE THIS PARTY THAT MUCH SWEETER.  
****ROXY: ****DAMN STRAIGHT  
****ROXY: ****HEY!  
****ROXY: ****WHO WANTS TO GET WASTED!****  
****JANE: OOH! ME! ME!****  
JAKE: ****I DO! I DO!  
****ROXY: ****WHEEEEEEEEEEE!  
****ROXY: ****I 3 BOOZE WHAT WAS I EVEN THINKING GIVIN IT UP!  
****JANE: WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES ROXY!****  
JAKE: ****YES THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT WE LEARN FROM THEM AND THEN SOLVE OUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS BY FACING THEM HEAD ON!****  
****ROXY: ****LMAO YEAH  
****ERISOLSPRITE: can you plea2e ju2t leavve me here twwo diie.****  
****JAKE: ****NOT A CHANCE WISE GUY! YOURE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY!****  
****ERISOLSPRITE: thii2 ii2 iit.  
ERISOLSPRITE: thii2 ii2 my punii2hment for doiin evvill terriible thiing2 when ii u2ed twwo be livvin people.  
ERISOLSPRITE: ii gue22 ii de2ervve thii2 and yet...  
ERISOLSPRITE: nobody de2ervve2 thii2.  
ERISOLSPRITE: nobody.****  
****JAKE: ****HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
JANE: ****HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
****ROXY: ****HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

The tricksters and their small entourage flew to LOPAN. They each drank an entire bottle of wine.

**ERISOLSPRITE: 2o uh...**

**ERISOLSPRITE: hey there unholy combiinatiion of nepeta and feferii.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: howwvve you been?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: wwoww that wwa2 a dumb que2tiion iim 2orry.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: thii2 ii2 pretty awwkwward ii2nt iit.**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 38\**

**ERISOLSPRITE: wwhat wwa2 that?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: FUCK ii cant hear a goddamn thiing wwiith the2e FLIIPPIIN IIDIIOT2 doiin theiir candy giiggle rampage.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: can barely evven hear my owwn wword2 ovver thii2 2hriill diin of hiideou2 piink.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: dont a2k me wwhy ii thiink iit 2ound2 piink iit JU2T DOE2 ok?**

**FEFETASPRITE: 38? 38?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: anywway ii gue22 iivve been wwantiing twwo 2ay.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: part of me ii2 2orry for kiilliing part of you.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ii mean that not a2 the part a me that u2ed twwo be your mate2priit cau2e OBVVIIOU2LY that part wwa2nt re2pon2iible for that 2curriilou2 2hiit.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: but the part of me that u2ed twwo be moraiil2 wwiith part a you.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: and wwhereiin nepeta ii2 ju2t kiind of a wweiirdly unrelated by2tander iin thii2 wwhole me22?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: 2o ii gue22 the wwhole me ii2 2orry twwo nepeta for havviin twwo put up wwiith thii2 2hiitty lovve triiangle fallout.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: AUGH thii2 ii2 ab2olutely the 2HIITTIIE2T apology 2iituatiion ii can evven FUCKIING fathom.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: cant evven get 2ome legiitiimate feeliin2 of remor2e off my che2t cau2e the che2t ha2 contradiictory feeliin2 a twwo people and the reciipiient ii2 the amalgamatiion of the wwronged party and 2omebody wwho could not giivve a bloody 2hiittiing FUCK about any a thii2.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: nevver miind thii2 reconciiliiatiion ha2 been an ab2olute dii2a2ter.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: can wwe at lea2t come twwo term2 on a 2ound poliicy of 'fuck gamzee'?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: cau2e all iim 2ayiin ii2 ba2iically.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ju2t.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: fuck that guy.**

**FEFETASPRITE: 38)) 38)**

The next stop was LOTAK. Arquiusprite looked up as they approached.

**JANE: ****D****I****R****K****!****  
****JAKE: ****D****I****R****K****!****  
****ROXY: ****D****I****R****K****!**

Dirk turned around.

**JANE: ****D****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****R****K****!****  
****JAKE: ****D****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****R****K****!****  
****ROXY: ****D****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****I****R****K****!**

Dirk facepalmed.

**JANE: D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K****!  
****JAKE: ****D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K****!**

**ROXY: ****D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K** **D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K ****D****I****R****K****!****  
****DIRK: Son of a fuck.**

Squarewave and Sawtooth stood behind him, looking on in awe.

**ROXY: ****NOITICE ANYTHIG DIFFERENT A BOUT US DIRG?  
****DIRK: I think so.  
DIRK: Did you decide to forfeit anything resembling dignity for the rest of your lives, along with the hope of accomplishing anything constructive ever again?  
****ROXY: ****NO U SILLAY GOOF  
****ROXY: ****THE DIFFEFRENCE IS THAAAT...  
****ROXY: ****WE SOVLED ALL OUR PERSPONAL PROBLEMZ!111111  
****DIRK: Roxy, are you drunk?  
DIRK: I mean, in addition to being high on something, and magically insane.  
****ROXY: ****THEN ONLY THING I M DRONK ON  
****ROXY: ****IS GOOD FEELINS DUDE TO FACING ALL MAY PROBELEMS IN STEAD OF RUN AWAY  
****ROXY: ****PLUST ALSO  
****ROXY: ****MEYBE A LIIIIIIL ALOCOHOL  
****ROXY: ****BUP THAS IT!HICCUP!****  
****DIRK: Solved all your problems?  
DIRK: Yeah. You guys look like you're in great shape.  
****ROXY: ****ITCH SO TRUUUE****  
ROXY: ****YOU SHOUL TRY IT****  
****DIRK: Try what?****  
ROXY: ****SOLVOING UR PRO PROS  
****ROXY: ****(THOZE WHAT IMA CALL PROBLAMS NOW)****  
DIRK: Fuck off. My problems are fine.****  
ROXY: ****WHATCH ILL GO FORST  
****ROXY: ****DIRK DID UUUUUUUUUUU NO  
****ROXY: ****I GOTS THIS YUGE FUGGIN CRUNCH ON YOU?  
****DIRK: Yes.****  
ROXY: ****OH MY GAAAWD IDS SO GOOD TO GEH THAT OFF MY SHEST!  
****ROXY: ****WE SHUD GET MARRY DORK U WANNA GET MARRY ME?  
****DIRK: Uh. No?****  
ROXY: ****BUT WEERE ALL GETTIN MARRIAD EVERT 1 IS DOING IS  
****ROXY: ****JANE JAKE MEE ALL GETING WAY FUCKIN BETHROTHED UP IN HERE  
****ROXY: ****NO 2 MENTION SOME BABS IN THA WORSK ;)  
****ROXY:** **(IMPLAYING THAT SEXXX HAPENS!)****  
****DIRK: Roxy, even if blurting out random ass confessions in any way constitutes "solving personal problems," it's not like that was ever a secret.  
DIRK: I always knew you liked me. You told me practically every fucking day.**

**ROXY: ****OKAY YES!****  
ROXY: ****THATIS TRUE E NUFF  
****ROXY: ****BUNT I NEVER SAID LESS GET MARRIED &amp;&amp; HAVE SOME BOBIES DID I?  
****DIRK: No, you've actually suggested that too. A number of times.****  
ROXY: ****OH  
****ROXY: ****I DID?****  
ROXY: ****FFFFFFFFFFF****  
ROXY: ****WELL****  
ROXY: ****THITS TIME****  
ROXY: ****I GOT...****  
ROXY: ****A WEDDIN RING!**

She held out the invisibility ring.

**ROXY: ****CMERE STRIDE****  
ROXY: ****PUTCH THIS FUCKER ON  
****DIRK: No!**

She tried to slip it on his finger, but he swatted her hand away. Rather than deterring her, however, this only made her want to put it on his finger more.

**ROXY: ****COME OOOOOOOOOOON DRIK!  
****ROXY: ****JUSK PUP IT ON****  
ROXY: ****YOU WOULD BE HEPLIN ME SLOVE A PORSONAL PROBALM!  
****DIRK: Stop it.  
****ROXY: ****URS 2!  
****ROXY: ****DONT YOU WANT YUR DUMB PROPROS TO GTFO  
****DIRK: This won't solve any problems, and you're all fucking morons!**

He imagined himself punching her away.

**ROXY: ****NO DIRT DONK U SEE? WERE HAPPY NOW!  
****ROXY: ****BYE BYE CHALENGING INSTERPERSOGNAL ISSUES 44444444444 EVAR!****  
****DIRK: You're not happy! You're demented! And how exactly does it solve any of your problems getting all candied up to go flushing however months of sobriety down the toilet?  
****ROXY: ****BECAUSE UM  
****ROXY: ****UM****  
ROXY: ****DONOT CHANCE THE SUBJESK STRIDERK  
****ROXY: ****YOU GOT 2 KISS ME WHILT I WAS DEAD****  
ROXY: ****THAT WASNT FAIR!****  
ROXY: ****HELP ME RECITIFY THIS PROBLEM OF MINE****  
ROXY: ****WHEREIN I HAVE NO RECOILECTION OF OUR SWEET SNOG ;D  
****DIRK: No way!****  
ROXY: ****DIRCH****  
ROXY: ****RING NOW  
****ROXY: ****BRINK MAKEOUTS  
****DIRK: Get away from me!  
DIRK: I have a sword!**

She puckered her lips and moved her face towards his.

**ROXY: ****SCREW UR MANIME SORD...  
****ROXY: ****MARRY ME AN HAFE MY BOIBIES!  
****DIRK: I'll use it, I swear!  
DIRK: It's sharp!  
DIRK: And it's awesome!  
DIRK: And...  
DIRK: It's a sword!  
****ROXY:** **SHUSH YOU MOUTH AND MAKE BEAEBIFUL LOAF 2 UR FUSHURE WIVE!  
****DIRK: I'M TOO FUCKING COOL FOR THIS!**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Mister bro, listen to my advice**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I think you should just go for it**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - This is coming not only from your mystical guide, not only from an alternate version of yourself, but from a dude with a ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© spectacular body**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - We both know you're never going to be happy under ordinary circumstances**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You just do not have the right kind of think pan to sustain that emotion**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - 100k at me. I needed to merge a sweaty guy who loves horses in order to be happy**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Gosh ∂åµ˜´∂ horses Dirk**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I think about them all the time while I fle% and it makes me smile**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - It seems that similarly e%treme measures will be needed for you as well**

**DIRK: Oh whatever.**

He let Roxy kiss him deeply.

**SQUAREWAVE: YEAH DOGG!**

**ROXY: ****M****M****P****H****M****H****P****H****M****M****H****M****M****F****F****M****F****M****P****H****M****P****H****M****M****P****H****M****M****F****!****  
****DIRK: MMPHMHPHMMHMMFFMF****MP****H****MP****H****M****M****P****H****M****M****F****!****  
****ARQUIUSPRITE: - You there. Small servant with the umbrella  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - Fetch me a towel at once**

Dirk's cap symbol on his shirt turned into a green-and-red striped helicopter cap. His hair turned a fiery red-orange and orange swirls appeared on his cheeks. There was a can of orange soda in his hair. His face, however, did not grow a huge smile. His expression remained impassive.

**ENG****AGE** **TRI****CKS****TER** **MODE****!**

Gamzee and the Courtyard Droll began to dance around.


	250. WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!

WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!

**JANE: Y****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****A****Y****!****  
****JAKE: ****WHOOPIEEEEEEEEEEE!  
****ROXY: ****YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!****  
****DIRK: Ugh.****  
****ROXY: ****COME ON DIRK! DUNCE 4 US!  
****JAKE: ****OH YESH DREK PLEASE DO A DANCE!****  
****DIRK: No.****  
****JANE: DIRP, DO'NT BE A PRUDE.  
JANE: ****STOMP BEING SUSH A SILLY TIGHTASS AND CUT THAT RUG!  
****ROXY: ****YEAH DIRK!  
****ROXY: ****DO THE ROBUT!****  
****DIRK: No.****  
****JAKE: ****YEAD IRK!  
****JAKE: ****LEST SEE YOU POPE AND LOCK!  
****DIRK: No.****  
****ROXY: ****DIRK! DIRK! DOOOOOOOOOOO  
****ROXY: ****THE MUSH POTATO!****  
****JANE: NO, I WANA SEE SOME CABBAGE PASHES!  
JANE: ****DO A CABBASH PATCH DARK!****  
****DIRK: Absolutely not.****  
****ARQUIUSPRITE: - Hahaha! Dude, this is heavily ridiculous  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - Your brain is so impenetrable, not even this asshole candy magic can lighten you up  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - I'm so mother fussing amused by this****  
****DIRK: Shut up!****  
****ROXY: ****NO DIRK HES RIGHT!  
****ROXY: ****JUSH GIVE IN 2 FEELIN GUUD AND DROPPIN PROBZ  
****ARQUIUSPRITE: - I'm afraid he can't, Hypersugar Roxy  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - His mind is as dense as my muscles are STRONG  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - By the way, would you like to feel my muscles, Roxy?****  
****ROXY: ****OOH YES PLOX ;D  
****DIRK: God dammit it. Why did I listen to you?  
DIRK: Nothing's changed! You may have merged with a sweaty horse guy, but you still sabotage me every chance you get.  
DIRK: What's worse is you still actually believe you're helping me. What a crock of shit.****  
****ROXY: ****AH DONT BE SO MEAN 2 HEM DIRK UR MUSCLESPRITE IS FUN AND COOL  
****ROXY: ****FOMG  
****ROXY: ****U SHOULD FEEL HIS MUNSLES DIRK WHOW HE ES SO RIPPED!  
****ROXY: ****LE SWOOOOOOOOOOON  
****ARQUIUSPRITE: - You heard the woman, Dirk  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - Quit stallion, trot on over here and touch my goof darned muscles****  
****DIRK: For the last time, I'm not touching your stupid muscles!  
DIRK: And Roxy just so you know, if you hook up with my douche of a sprite, I'm gonna be hella pissed.****  
****ROXY: ****DAG THES MUSGLES R HARD AS HECK  
****ROXY: ****JANE U WANT INK ON THIS ACTION****  
****JANE: ****YES I SURELY DO!  
****JANE: OOH, THESE RALLY ARE WONDERFUL MUSCULES!  
JANE: ****JAKE YOU SHIMPLY MUST FEEL THIS MUSCULES.****  
****JAKE: ****BOB HOWDY!****  
JAKE: ****DINK YOUR DOPPLEWHOSHIT IS FREAKIN CUT!  
****JAKE: ****HES IS TRULEY A MANS MAN.****  
****ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dirk, it seems my muscles are a hit  
ARQUIUSPRITE: - Are you absolutely sure you won't feast your hands on this Grade A Beef?****  
****DIRK: Please. Someone.  
DIRK: Make it stop.****  
****ROXY: ****HEY I KNOW****  
ROXY: ****IF DIRK WANTS 2 KEEP BEING A DRAG THEN MAYBE SHADES MC MUSCLESPRITE WANTS TO QUADRUPLE MARY US INSTEAD?  
JANE: ****THERE'S AN IDEDA!****  
****JAKE: ****WHAO HEY LADIES LET US NOTE BE HASTY IN EXSHLUDING DIRK FROM OUR HAPPY MARITIAL PLANS.  
****JAKE: ****DIRK IAVE BEEN WANNING YO SAY THAT BEFORE I SOVED ALL MY PROSBLEMS I WAS FEELING SO BAD ABOUT THINGS WITH YOU.  
****JAKE: ****BUT NOW THAT IM HAPPY I HAV THE ANSWER ON HOW TO MAKE ERVYONE HAPPY!  
****JAKE: ****YOU ME ROXY AND OF COURSE JANE WHO WAS IN LOVE WITH ME JUST LIKE YOU!  
****JAKE: ****SO I FOUD OUT THE BEST WAY TO RESOLVE ROMANIC CONFLICT IS FOR EVERYBRONY TO MARRY EACHOTTER!  
****JAKE: ****WHAT YOU SHAY PAL WANDA GET MARRIED TO ME? :D  
****DIRK: Jake, I'm not marrying shit.  
DIRK: And frankly, you've got some nerve floating down here babbling about marriage with that shit eating grin and that dumb little pumpkin on your head.  
DIRK: After the way you ditched me and ignored all my messages?  
DIRK: You know what, if you didn't like me anymore and wanted to stop hanging out, then fine, I could handle that.  
DIRK: But to just completely shut me out, like I didn't even deserve an explanation, that's just cowardly. Why couldn't you just man up and talk to me?  
DIRK: You act like I don't have feelings. Like I'm some kind of robot. Well you're wrong, I do.  
DIRK: And I'm using those feelings by starting to FEEL like you're actually kind of an asshole.  
DIRK: So whatever you were so afraid to tell me before your fucking sugar high, don't worry about it, I'll save you the trouble.  
DIRK: It's over, Jake.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - E%cuse me, you there**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Unsavory concoction of royalty and peasantry**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Come grope my humongous biceps**

**ERISOLSPRITE: no bloody wway.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes, do it**

**ERISOLSPRITE: equiiu2 wwhy are you actiin liike 2uch a bulge2niiffiin twwolbox wwhat the hell happened twwo you?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: and wwhy are you wweariin that guy2 lame gla22e2. take tho2e off evven you had more 2tyle than that.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Alright, no takers there I see. Only a pair of grotesque philistines blustering through the same coarse ignorance tunnel**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - What about you, miss unpalatable combination of Feferi and**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - And**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Oh**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Oh no**

**ERISOLSPRITE: wwhat.**

**FEFETASPRITE: 3833 38o**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dirk**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dirk, help, I'm having a problem**

**DIRK: What?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - A part of me is having a very STRONG emotional reaction which I don't like**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - It's a part of myself I'm ashamed of**

**DIRK: What part.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - The troll part. It did something shameful once**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I do not find such emotions to be an acceptable feature of my new e%istence**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - How can I make this feeling go away**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dirk, I command you to instruct me how to eliminate these emotions**

**DIRK: Can't help you bro!**

**DIRK: This is what you asked for. You said you were scared to not exist.**

**DIRK: Well, this is what it's like to keep on existing. Better figure out how to deal!**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - No. That's awful**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I don't know what to do**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - With all of my astounding STRENGTH, both muscular and cerebral, how can I be stymied so?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Dying was better than having to live with the shame which was ironically caused by the very death in question**

**ERISOLSPRITE: equiiu2 wwhat the FUCK are you talkiing about.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You, seadwelling mustard b100d**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Half of me commands the peasant half of you to resolve my emotional turmoil, while humbly requesting the noble half of you to do the same**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - The other half of me doesn't give a flying hoot about your lame caste bullß˙ˆ† and is just kind of freaking out internally about this**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ehehehe wwoww zahhak you miight actually be more a me22 than me, ii am fuckiin iimpre22ed.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: but yeah talkiin iit out wwhen you got aiim2 a reconciiliiatiion help2, me and the feferii 2iide a thii2 abomiinatiion had a niice talk earliier, 2orta.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: 2ay wwhat you got twwo 2ay, ju2t dont me22 wwiith the feferii part2 twwo much ok man? 2he2 vvery dear to me, ii mean both part2 a me got iit?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - You're right, I must speak to her**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Nepeta, I swore that I would protect you, but I failed**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - In a moment of weakness my reverence for a superior got the better of me, and instead of standing up for you I decided to bow before a stupid ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© juggalo or something? What?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Wait, I actually did that? What the fresh nickering ˙´¬¬ is WRONG with me?**

**FEFETASPRITE: 38(( 38\**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - I am not a perfect man, Nepeta. Nor am I "purrfect" as you might say. What the fudge? A cat pun? Let's pull our ß˙ˆ† together dude, this emotional state is mad abysmal**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - But in any case, I hope you can find it within your kind olive pump biscuit to... forgive...**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - NO!**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - GOSH DANGIT! I don't deserve to be forgiven, what am I saying! The ß˙ˆ† I pulled on you was so bad... I just can't even...**

**ERISOLSPRITE: hey can you maybe wwrap up thii2 p2ychotiic apology you wwretched freak. wwoww youre actually makiin me look liike the model a mental health.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: anywway youre confu2iin the feferii 2iide of her wwiith your wweiird emotiional baggage.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Allow me to finish, sir/peon**

**ERISOLSPRITE: feferii try not twwo lii2ten twwo anythiin he 2ay2.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: youvve had enough heartache twwo endure wwiithout lumpiing iin nepeta2 twwii2ted relatiion2hiip wwiith thii2 hor2ekii22iin mu2clefuck.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Nepeta, you will disregard any conversation directed at Feferi and focus solely on my attempted statements of contrition**

**ERISOLSPRITE: man wwhat riight do you havve to order nepeta to do ANYTHIN, let alone lii2ten to your confliicted wwhiiniing?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: heheh, fef can you BELIIEVVE thii2 guy?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Do not address Feferi while I'm talking Nepeta**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - It's confusing to Nepeta, who is critical in absolving me of guilt, even though I probably don't deserve it?**

**ERISOLSPRITE: fuck your ab2olutiion ii take back my advviice.**

**ERISOLSPRITE: 2top talkiin twwo nepeta and LEAVVE FEFERII ALONE.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - No**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ye2.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - No**

**ERISOLSPRITE: ye2.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - No**

**ERISOLSPRITE: augh im not doin your dumba22 ye2/no 2hit!**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Then leave us, for I and my morail have much to discuss**

**ERISOLSPRITE: no you fliippiin DONT, thii2 conver2atiion ii2 over.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes I do**

**ERISOLSPRITE: no you dont.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**ERISOLSPRITE: no.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**ERISOLSPRITE: NO.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: - Yes**

**ERISOLSPRITE: NO THII2 HA2 TWWO 2TOP! CANT YOU 2EE WWERE TEARIIN FEFETA APART?**

Fefetasprite, who'd been looking back and forth between Arquius and Erisol, was full of conflicting emotions. The sprite began to shake and crackle with energy, and finally Fefetasploded.

Gamzee covered his mouth and let out a quiet honk.


	251. OH BOY! OH BOY!

OH BOY! OH BOY!

The tricksters alchemized a shitty jpeg Christmas tree and ran in circles around the Alchemiter.

They rounded up an assortment of ordinary household weaponry and began to recreate a series of legendary weapons from the seven continents of a magical kingdom from cherubim folklore. The name of the kingdom was a well guarded secret, traded only by the cunning ninnywizards in hushed giggles. If you beheld this kingdom - if you even knew its name - you would understand stupidity no human ever had. For it was said that any mortal who listened to its melodious, perfectly absurd syllables would achieve instantaneous dumblightenment.

Each legendary weapon was named after the continent it was created in. But no one in the kingdom knew which name belonged to what continent, not even the wizards. The subjects frequently asked each other which continent they were on, and as such every conversation tended to sound like an Abbott and Costello routine. Some had even speculated that the vaudevillian comedy duo were the kingdom's mirthful messiahs, but that was a matter of heated debate among the federation of baloneyscholars.

There she was. Forged in the fire by the smiths of Pimplemop, commissioned by the sage Lord of the Wozzinjay Fiefdom in the Realm of the Snargly Fruzmigbubbins, they'd made, at the cost of one zillion zillium…

THE WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO.

Plucked by the revered utensil drawer of none other than the Chieftain of the Trifletoot Clan himself, polished to a gleam in his loincloth by his devoted Abecedarian Buttersquire, behold.

THE BATTLESPORK OF ZILLYWUT.

Each hand crafted by the seniormost Artillery Hermit of the hallowed Schundermoist Caves, to be mounted in times of peace upon the Royal Burblemonk's personal Placard of Dwib, lo:

THE FLINTLOCKS OF ZILLYHAU.

Swashed from the buckles of the rough'n tumble Bellyjape Seamen and offered atop the kingdom's last known wildly occurring pluffy dimplepillow to the resplendent 1st Rumbylumplewiffig of the Horsehorsehorse Administration, I give you -

THE CUTLASS OF ZILLYWAIR.

Cast from the most priceless squippyclink ores mined from the famous whooping volcanoes owned and curated by the distinguished Maximillion Hotpocket Puckershuttle Junior, and then packed to the brim with the hilarious traveling Grief Miser's explosive winklepork snuff, *ta da*!

THE BLUNDERBUSS OF ZILLYWIGH

A real hard sword for a real hard dude. It was said to have been forged by a Japanese master over the heat of a roaring manga fire. It had been cooled in an enchanted spring where virgin horses bathed, and…

Yeah this was still just Dirk's sword.

Flippety dippety doo bup bup shrubber double floppy mumblescurry noodlescoop pizzabubble pizzabubble mip mip mip mip mip mip.

Check it out.

THE THISTLES OF ZILLYWICH.

For good measure, they decided to make Zillywave and Sawhoo. Just to be on the safe side. Some day

they'd look back on this decision and say thank god we did that.

They decided to do a fancy santa. Is… is that a good idea? A fancy santa is already such a piece of shit. Maybe let's not get carried away making shitty things even shittier than they need to…

Oh shit. They made a Zilly Santa. Ok… I guess that's fine. As long as they only make one.

OH FUCK THEY MADE A BUNCH OF ZILLY SANTAS.

They began to roll around in the pile of Zilly Santas.

Ok kids I think it's time we moved this along, don't you? HELLO? Fuckin teens.

God dammit. Ok we're done here.

BACK TO ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 1


	252. Book 15 Chapter 1: What just happened

Chapter 1: What just happened…?

They returned to the safety of Act 6 Act 5 Act 1. The kids finally slipped out of the fabled peachbirth trance of the jokebollocks, and ceased quaking in the foodsandwich throes of the goofjester tongues, stubborn though they were. Let us never speak of Act 6 Act 5 Act 1 again.

**WHAT THE FUCK.**

**?**

**JUST.**

**WHAT.**

**What what.**

**NO.**

Jane's hair was a mess, her face was covered in sweat, and she still held the juju in her hand. She was standing on her… quest bed? Wait… what?

**Please don't type in the narrative prompt. **

**YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT.**

**Do what. **

**GO BACKWARDS.**

**This isn't backwards stupid. It's forwards. **

**After all the trickster shit happened. **

**NO. I MEAN.**

**BACKWARDS BY AN "ACT".**

**OR I GUESS. AN "ACT ACT ACT"?**

**ARGH. I HATE THE THINGS I'M FORCED TO SAY. AND ACKNOWLEDGE AS REAL. BECAUSE OF YOU.**

**I can go back all the act act acts I want. **

**The act act acts are kind of meaningless anyway. **

**Besides, trickster mode was getting obnoxious. **

**NO IT WASN'T!**

**Yes it was. **

**NO.**

**Yes. **

**NO.**

**Let's not do the Equius yes/no thing. **

**IT WAS GREAT. IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER UNLOCKED. FROM YOUR BULLSHIT MONITORS.**

**DON'T ERASE THE ONLY AWESOME THING. I EVER SAW THESE ASSHOLES DO. ASIDE FROM DYING.**

**What are you talking about? I didn't erase it. It was still a thing that happened. **

**Do you really think I have the power to make something unhappen? **

**I would have to be a wizard to do that. And as we both know perfectly well, magic is fake as shit. **

**I WANT TO SEE MORE CANDY ANTICS YOU AWFUL FUCK.**

**SEND ME BACK FORWARD TO THE NEXT ACT ACT ACT.**

**No way. **

**And incidentally, I didn't authorize you to send that lollipop. **

**OH, WHAT. YOU DON'T APPROVE OF MY JUJU?!**

**Approve of kids doing something kinda like drugs and making dumb plans to get quadruple married and have babies? **

**No, I don't approve of that. **

**Besides, that's no way to make progress. **

**You don't just give the heroes some cheap game breaking candy let them blast through the whole adventure and all their personal issues. **

**That's some deus ex machina shit you were trying to pull. **

**YEAH RIGHT. MORE LIKE.**

**DELICIOUS EX MACHINA!**

**Lame. **

**GO BACK.**

**No. **

**I MEAN BACKFORWARD.**

**No. **

**GO BACKFORWARD TO ACT ACT ACT WHATEVER.**

**No. **

**I WANT TO SEE THEM FINISH THEIR CANDY ROMP!**

**Nope! **

**YES.**

**No. **

**YES.**

**No. **

**YES.**

**No. **

**YOU PIECE OF SHIT!**

**FUCK YOU!**

He began to smash the screen with his crowbar again. Jane screwed her eyes shut and the lollipop fell out of her hand.

**JANE: !**

**Oh not this again!  
****STOP MAKING THE THING GO BACKWARDS.  
****Why did Gamzee have to give you that crowbar?  
Ugh, I should have killed him a long time ago.  
Fuckin clowns tho...  
****THIS ATROCIOUS GARBAGE YOU'RE MAKING ME WATCH.  
IS NEVERENDING ENOUGH!  
WITHOUT MAKING ME GO BACKWARDS THROUGH "ACTS"!**

**YOU ARE LITERALLY.  
THE MOST INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE AT DOING THIS.  
WHATEVER *THIS* IS.  
WHO EVER FUCKING LIVED!  
****Put the crowbar down.  
****NO!  
****Good grief, poor Jane.  
****STOP HORSING AROUND.  
AND TELL ME HOW TO GET ON WITH MY GODAWFUL QUEST ALREADY!  
****Ok fine! The spoiled baby gets his bottle yet again.  
Just put the thing down.**

Caliborn stopped hitting the screen.

**FINE. NOW WHAT.**

**Caliborn, first let me explain something to you. **

**I guess it falls on me to teach you these life lessons, because as unpleasant as the idea is for both of us, I am the closest thing you will ever have to a father.**

**You see, teenagers are sensitive and beautiful creatures.**

**Well, not you. You are repulsive. But most teenagers, I mean. **

**You can't just force them to settle all their issues with insane psychotropic game powerups. **

**They have to face all those issues themselves, or they will never learn and grow as people. **

**WHO CARES?**

**Well, you don't. But human beings do. **

**The journey itself is more important than the destination. **

**The struggle is what builds character and teaches us about ourselves and about life. **

**BULLSHIT.**

**I DID THEM ALL A FAVOR. BY GIVING THEM MY JUJU.**

**THEY WERE GOING NOWHERE. AND BEING STUPID.**

**AND DOING LITERALLY NOTHING WHATSOEVER. EXCEPT FOR WALLOWING IN GROTESQUE EMOTIONS.**

**LOOK HOW MUCH GREAT STUFF THEY GOT DONE BECAUSE OF ME!**

**Of course you think you were doing them a favor. You're an alien. **

**So is your sister. She thought the juju would be a great boon for them as well. But she was wrong. **

**See, you cherubs are predisposed to love all this trickster crap. All that goofy squeaky candy coated nonsense is a critical part of your people's mythos. **

**That sugarized zillyjunk sort of embodies a unified field of absurd Platonic ideals to the cherubim, so when you see expressions of it in reality of course you're gonna go apeshit. **

**But that kind of stuff is freakish and disturbing to humans. Those aren't our ideals. **

**WHAT.**

**Furthermore, that could only be seen as a boon from an asocial species. **

**You never have to deal with other people. So if you lick a magic lollipop that flips a switch in your brain that says "all my problems are solved," I guess maybe that's fine for cherubs, but if you're a human you haven't actually solved anything. **

**By the same logic it's not much of a boon to a human's physical journey either. **

**Using an item that lets them start maniacally powering from point A to point B isn't doing them any favors. **

**I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.**

**It's like when Mario gets the star. **

**You know when Mario gets the star? **

**WHO THE FUCK IS MARIO.**

**He's a small Italian plumber who goes on sideways adventures. **

**He jumps on stuff and bops bricks with his head to save a princess. **

**WHAT'S ITALIAN.**

**WHAT'S A PLUMBER.**

**Never mind what an Italian is. It's just a kind of guy on Earth. **

**And a plumber is a guy who fixes load gapers. **

**WHAT'S A LOAD GAPER.**

**Shut up. **

**Anyway, sometimes when Mario's running sideways he gets a star that makes him magic and invincible. **

**OH. YOU MEAN HE BECOMES TRICKSTER MARIO.**

**Yes, but less stupid. **

**So for a while he becomes flashy and hyperactive and nothing's challenging anymore. **

**He just starts barreling over mushrooms and leaping over pits as fast as he can, then gets to the end and jumps on the flagpole and that's it. Mario "wins". **

**But the point is, he didn't really win. That magic star was actually devastating to his development as a human being. **

**WHY.**

**Because he skipped over many critical trials on his spiritual journey. **

**Mario NEEDS to stomp on all those mushrooms. He NEEDS to bonk those bricks with his head, for the sake of his personal growth. **

**By using the star, he is denying himself many powerful moments of catharsis. **

**UH.**

**Well, I don't know. Maybe Mario isn't the best example. **

**Like I'm not sure if Mario really even has a soul? **

**He's just kind of a one-dimensional friendly cartoon plumber. **

**So maybe this stuff doesn't quite apply to him. **

**But these aren't one-dimensional plumbers we're talking about here. **

**These are TEENS. **

**And as we all know, teens have BIG FEELINGS. **

**I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS.**

**THE DISCOURSE WITH YOU HAS BEEN EVEN MORE GRATING AND UNPALATABLE THAN USUAL.**

**YOU SAID YOU'D HELP ME SPEED UP MY QUEST. BUT ALL YOU DID.**

**WAS TRICK ME INTO HEARING ANOTHER CONVERSATION. IN WHICH YOU INDULGE YOURSELF TO AN EXTENT. WHICH I CANNOT EVEN BELIEVE.**

**I'M GOING TO HIT THINGS WITH MY CROWBAR AGAIN.**

**No don't! **

**Jane is still nursing a wicked hangover you ass. **

**THEN BE USEFUL TO ME.**

**I THINK I'VE BEEN FORCED TO UNLOCK THESE SCREENS. AND VIEW THESE POINTLESS EVENTS. LONG ENOUGH.**

**MY QUEST IS DUMB. I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO GET ON WITH THE REAL ADVENTURE.**

**Has it occurred to you that your quest in its limitless tedium and thankless busywork was designed to facilitate your personal growth? **

**To prepare you for your ultimate destiny beyond this game? **

**NO.**

**ANYWAY DIDN'T YOU SAY ONE TIME. I WAS INCAPABLE OF GROWING?**

**Oh right. **

**Well, has it occurred to you that it might have been designed to fuck with your head and serve as a punishment for being such a horrible little shit? **

**YES!**

**YES.**

**THAT OCCURS TO ME. EVERY SECOND I THINK ABOUT IT.**

**I HAVE TOLERATED MANY AGGRAVATIONS.**

**AND AM PREPARED TO TOLERATE MANY MORE.**

**IF IT GETS ME CLOSER TO TRIUMPHING OVER YOU AND THIS MORONIC GAME.**

**I WILL FIND MORE KEYS UNDER RANDOM ASS UNLABELED STONES.**

**I WILL WATCH ANOTHER MILLION HOURS OF NUMBSKULLS WHIMPERING ABOUT THEIR ROMANCE NOT COMING TRUE.**

**I WILL EVEN ENDURE MORE OF THESE PATENTLY LUDICROUS ACT ACT ACT ACT ACT ACTS EVEN THOUGH THEY APPEAR TO MEAN NOTHING AT ALL.**

**BUT WHAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR.**

**IS GOING.**

**FUCKING.**

**BACKWARDS!**

**Fair enough. **

**But I already told you how to accelerate your viewing. **

**WHAT? WHEN.**

**See those two panes of glass there? **

**Take your crowbar and smash them. **

**OH. YEAH.**

**UGH. I FORGOT.**

**IS THAT REALLY THE ONLY WAY. TO GO TO WHAT'S NEXT.**

**SO THAT I CAN PUT MY PLANS IN MOTION?**

**Yes. **

**You should be pleased by the irony. **

**Smashing the glass will cause you to reflect upon a lifetime you have yet to spend... **

**Um. **

**Breaking stuff. **

**?**

**Is the irony not fucking delicious? **

**NO.**

**STOP TRYING TO BOGART MY SCHTICK. OF PLAYING INSIDIOUS MIND GAMES AND DOING SHITTY TWISTS.**

**YOU SUCK AT IT SO BAD.**

**I'm sorry. **

**IT'S NOT BREAKING THE GLASS I MIND.**

**THIS IS THE THING THAT INVOLVES.**

***SHUDDER***

**"TEAM WORK"**

**RIGHT?**

**Yes. **

**You and a buddy have to turn both keys simultaneously. **

**It will teach you a wonderful lesson about life. **

**FUCK!**

**Don't act like you aren't secretly having a great time there with your new friends. **

**You are practically the ringmaster of your own little dark carnival by now. **

**And you're loving every minute of it. Don't deny it. **

**NO I'M NOT!**

**Sooner or later you will have to face the fact that literally all adventures are about learning the value of teamwork. **

**Teamwork and friendship. The two razor sharp edges of the mighty excalibur which EVERY hero should keep in his scabbard.**

**Even shitty heroes like you. **

**FINE. I'LL DO IT.**

**BUT ONLY BECAUSE THE ALTERNATIVE. WHERE I TALK TO YOU. FOR EVEN ONE MORE SECOND.**

**WOULD BE SO MUCH WORSE.**

**\- The narrative prompt has been locked. -**

Caliborn smashed the pane of glass on one side of the tower. Gamzee smashed the other. They both held up their respective keys and put them in the locks.

**CALIBORN: ON THE COUNT OF FUCK YOU.**

**CALIBORN: ONE.**

**CALIBORN: TWO.**

Caliborn and Gamzee turned their keys at the same time, turning the two biggest screens of the tower on. One displayed the heart and void symbols, and the other hope and life.


	253. Book 15 Chapter 2: Pillow Talk

Chapter 2: Pillow Talk

Roxy and Dirk lay on their quest beds in the center of Derse. So did Jake and Jane on Prospit. All four of them were holding their heads in pain.

**timaeusTestified [TT]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TT: Jane.**

**GG: What.**

**TT: What happened to the lollipop?**

**GG: I dropped it.**

**GG: I think it fell into the crypt.**

**TT: Good.**

**golgothasTerror [GT]** **began pestering ****tipsyGnostalgic [TG]**

**GT: Roxy?**

**TG: yynnnnnrrnrng wat**

**GT: I take it by that disgruntled series of letters that youre feeling about as cruddy as me and jane right now.**

**TG: yea jake**

**TG: welcome to hangover city**

**TG: population**

**TG: some extra chumps besides me 4 a change**

**GT: Well you know what they say about misery. And how it supposedly enjoys company.**

**TG: hrrrnngh**

**TG: no it doesnt**

**TG: it enjoys a wet towel draped over its head**

**TG: and less talkin**

**GT: Hiyoooo!**

**GT: Point well taken.**

**TG: omg stop being so chipper dude do u feel like shit or not**

**GT: Indubitably. Rest assured it feels like a brood of anxious vermin is making its most valiant effort to escape from my skull.**

**TG: lol jake english w a hangover everyone**

**TG: slow clap**

**GT: Pardon?**

**TG: im just sayin if youre hung over for the 1st time pls do the experience some justice **

**TG: ur giving suffering a bad name **

**GT: I will say the multicolored lights from my computer strobing directly into my eyeballs arent helping the matter one freaking bit.**

**TG: SMH **

**TG: (not literally cuz ow) **

**TG: jake here is some sage advice from a veteran of substance abuse and its deleterious consequences **

**TG: dont use your fuckin skulltop when you got a hangover u dork **

**GT: Well i wouldnt but i just gave jane my only other device.**

**GT: I dont know how many times ive told her to keep more than one computer on her no matter what in case of situations just like this.**

**TG: oh **

**TG: whys she want a computer **

**TG: is that who dirks talking to now **

**GT: I dont know. Maybe.**

**GT: Shes not exactly talking to me at the moment.**

**GT: Not that i can blame her.**

**TT: So.**

**TT: Best birthday ever?**

**TT: Or best FUCKING birthday ever.**

**GG: Ha.**

**GG: In the interest of appeasing the irony gods, let's go with the latter.**

**TT: Whatever role I played in ruining your party.**

**TT: Sorry about that.**

**GG: Oh lord. The LAST thing I give a shit about is my stupid "sweet sixteen".**

**GG: What a farce. I was trying to act as if we were all living normal well adjusted lives, albeit in a marvelous fantasy setting populated by skeletons.**

**GG: And if only we just had some cake and wore some hats and I blew out all the candles in one big puff, we could pretend all the problems we had with each other would magically stop existing.**

**GG: And the most horrifying thing of all is, I actually got my wish!**

**GG: Haha. Thanks, Calliope.**

**GG: Oh well. I'm sure she had good intentions.**

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: I still think I've been pretty lousy to you. I had my head up my ass for a while there.**

**TT: By the time your birthday came around, I was kinda freaking out about Jake.**

**TT: I thought I had the situation under control. But I didn't. Not just with Jake, but with respect to pretty much everything.**

**GG: I understand.**

**GG: Boy, you really let him have it back there!**

**TT: I guess so.**

**GG: I had a similar meltdown with him earlier. I'm not going to lie. It felt really good.**

**TT: Heh.**

**GG: At least, it did at the time.**

**GG: I only wish I could have stayed as lucid as you during our...**

**GG: Transformation.**

**GG: How did you manage that?**

**TT: It wasn't on purpose. Actually if I had a choice, I probably would have just said, fuck it. Sugar shock my brain, please.**

**TT: Suffice to say, I have trouble escaping from myself. It's kind of a problem. Let's not talk about it though. Please continue.**

**GG: Okay.**

**GG: So instead of keeping my cool like you, I just started gushing over him like a lovestruck loon, surrendering any sliver of dignity I might have earned by telling him off earlier.**

**GG: I just cannot believe some of the things I said. Oh God. I told him I wanted to get married and have babies!**

**TT: Yeah but to be fair, by the time you came looking for me, all three of you were saying that to anything that moved.**

**GG: I know! But...**

**GG: It's one thing to write off something you say to an altered state of mind. But what makes the admission so mortifying to me is...**

**GG: I actually MEANT it.**

**GG: And I'm sure he must know that by now.**

**GG: And now I feel so humiliated I just want to die.**

**GG: I would ask him to shoot me right here, if I could bring myself to say a word to him.**

**TT: Somehow I don't think he's up to the task.**

**TT: Which is doubly unfortunate, since that's literally what we all came here to do.**

**TT: Speaking personally, I'd probably run this sword through my own dick before I could bring myself to kill Roxy. Even for her own good.**

**TT: So.**

**TT: When the chips are down, I guess that's how much of a badass I really am.**

**GG: Woo!**

**GG: We are all such WINNERS.**

**TT: Yeah, our moxie's off the fuckin' charts.**

**GT: Rox?**

**TG: wat**

**GT: Am i an asshole?**

**TG: no j**

**GT: I think i might be an asshole.**

**GT: All of my friends hate me now.**

**GT: Are you sure im not just an asshole and never actually realized it?**

**TG: well maybe youre an asshole sometimes but its always on accident and most people are accidental assholes a lot of times anyway so who cares**

**GT: I cant believe i was so oblivious to the feelings of all the people i care about.**

**GT: How could i not see that jane was in love with me? I really am a dope.**

**GT: I guess i did know deep down at some point... but then i somehow convinced myself otherwise?**

**GT: I cant even imagine how she must have felt all this time i was seeing dirk. And all those times i talked her ear off about our relationship! Oh goodness.**

**TG: yuuup**

**GT: I wonder what things would be like if she told me?**

**GT: Maybe its better she didnt in the end.**

**GT: I probably would have just broken her heart like i did with dirk.**

**GT: I should say something to her but im not sure what to say. I dont think she wants to hear anything from me to be honest.**

**GT: Maybe you could tell her im sorry for me?**

**TG: why cant you just tell her**

**TG: shes right there**

**GT: I dunno. Shes obviously so mad at me. I cant bring myself to say anything.**

**GT: Im also just really fucking chagrined over how i treated her.**

**GT: If i was brave i could face that feeling and just talk to her and try to make us square.**

**GT: But i dont think i really am brave.**

**GT: Im not brave and i dont think i love adventure either.**

**TG: wow... jake...**

**GT: You know how you think you know these things about yourself?**

**GT: Like all these personal attributes about you as if theyre written down somewhere like a sort of mini biography so they have to be true.**

**GT: So you just believe them and hope that the believing is what makes them true.**

**GT: But then you spend so much time believing those things and taking their truth for granted that you somehow forget to MAKE them true with your words and deeds.**

**GT: How can i truly love adventure when i never even knew what it was?**

**GT: I dont think its raiding tombs and clobbering scoundrels.**

**GT: That stuffs fun and all but thats not what adventure is.**

**GT: Adventure is...**

**GT: Its something else.**

**GT: Its doing the things im genuinely afraid to do.**

**GT: But cant.**

**GT: Because im a coward.**

**TG: ok ok stop shittin on urself ill tell her for you**

**TT: Jane, you know,**

**TT: We probably should have talked about this Jake stuff a long time ago.**

**GG: Tell me about it.**

**TT: I don't know if I was kidding myself all those years that there was a conflict of interest between us, or what.**

**GG: Same.**

**TT: Maybe I was just pretending your feelings for him weren't a factor because my pursuit of him was already overcomplicated enough.**

**TT: Or maybe it was more like I was aware of them, but on some level decided they shouldn't matter, because I felt like you had a natural advantage over me.**

**TT: Cause you know. You're like.**

**TT: Not a dude.**

**GG: But I always felt you had the advantage over me too!**

**GG: Because you're... YOU.**

**GG: You make things happen, and I don't.**

**TT: Yeah well. Turns out maybe that's not such a good quality if you wanna make a relationship last longer than three seconds. At least not in my case.**

**TT: I know I ripped into him pretty hard when I had the clown hair and the little soda can on my head.**

**TT: But the truth is I was pretty goddamn overbearing.**

**TT: Sometimes I look back on stuff and think I might have essentially bullied him into a relationship with me.**

**TT: Actually, it's more complicated than that. Parts of me were operating independently from myself.**

**TT: So it's like I was bullying myself into bullying him into liking me. If that makes sense.**

**GG: It doesn't really. But that's fine. :B**

**TT: Anyway, my insanity scared him right the fuck off. There were times when I basically treated him like shit without even realizing it, and I regret it.**

**TT: I should probably tell him that, but given how I just called him an asshole while wearing orange suspenders, I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from now.**

**GG: Clearly we both used some poor judgment.**

**GG: Looking back, it seems crazy to me that we both jeopardized our friendship over a mutual infatuation with, let's face it, one spectacularly goofy kid.**

**TT: Can we both at least agree we may have overrated the allure of Jake English?**

**GG: YES.**

**TT: Maybe if we could have talked to each other about him it would have helped. Like talked about why we felt that way about him.**

**TT: At least maybe it would have helped us knock English down from the ludicrous pedestal we put him on.**

**GG: Yeah. That might have saved us a lot of grief.**

**GG: It's not like I hate him now, even though that's probably what he thinks. He's still my friend.**

**GG: But the extent to which I centered my whole life around a childish fantasy about him is just painfully embarrassing in hindsight.**

**GG: I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at him again without feeling miserable about myself?**

**TT: So does that mean we're both totally over him now? I can't really tell.**

**GG: Me neither. :\**

**TT: I guess the real problem is our clique was too small.**

**TT: Poor Jake was the only viable romantic target. I mean, considering our respective orientations.**

**TT: Maybe we just never knew enough people?**

**GG: Perhaps.**

**GG: Or maybe we just don't need anybody.**

**GG: As anything other than friends, I mean.**

**TT: In the interest of appeasing the bitterness gods, let's go with the latter.**

**tipsyGnostalgic [TG]** **began pestering ****gutsyGumshoe [GG]**

**TG: hay janey**

**TG: how u holdin up girl**

**GG: I feel like garbage. But otherwise, fine.**

**TG: you off urself yet**

**GG: No?**

**TG: ok good**

**TG: please dont yet**

**TG: i got a personal back stage pass 2 the jake english self loathing tour**

**TG: an im in no condition to take the full brunt of his lamentations but im the only one hes talkin to soooo**

**TG: need a lil support here from my bestie**

**GG: What is he saying?**

**TG: he wants me to relay an apology to you**

**TG: cause he thinks hes not brave enough to say it like ten feet away there on his stone bed and he thinks ur pissed him**

**GG: Aw man.**

**GG: I don't want to do this.**

**TG: do what**

**GG: An awkward "tell him I said" sequence of apologies through text messages.**

**TG: ok**

**TG: thats a sane answer**

**TG: what should i say**

**GG: Tell him I said we'll talk about it later.**

**GG: Like, after we're dead.**

**TG: k**

**TG: well maybe i wont say that last part but k**

**GG: How's it going over there?**

**TG: fine**

**TG: not a lot of progress on the dyin front**

**TG: dont look like dirk much wants to stab me with his manime sword...**

**TG: tbh waiting around to be buddymurdered and/or off oneself is even more awkward than you would think plus kind of a drag?**

**TG: specially w a headache blarg**

**TG: jane this is dumb**

**GG: Yeah. Call me crazy, but I don't think our candy-addled selves thought this through entirely.**

**TG: yo trixster mode sucks ass txt it**

**TG: jane u know what im sad about**

**GG: Hm?**

**TG: fefeta exploding**

**GG: Yeah. :(**

**TG: whyd she have to die again like that**

**TG: she was so sweet and perfect and my friend**

**TG: she would always just talk and talk about the funniest things from her life as two troll ladies and it always lifted my spirits**

**TG: am i cursed or somethin jane?**

**GG: Cursed?**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: its like**

**TG: i always seem to accidentally kill my cats**

**TG: or my half cat girls**

**TG: ummm**

**TG: who are part sea princess and also an alien ghost**

**TG: i dunno maybe this line o speculation has no particular coherence**

**TG: jane**

**TG: after we go god tier you want to help me have a funeral for her**

**GG: Of course, Roxy.**

**TG: i would like that**

**TG: i always wanted to go to a funeral**

**TG: is that weird? maybe thats weird i dont know**

**TG: i mean not like in an especially morbid or gothy kinda way i just think it would be cool to honor her memory**

**TG: i never did that for frigglish but i should have**

**TG: shit jakes buggin me again brb**

**GT: Er roxy while youre at it...**

**GT: Do you think you could relay the same sentiments to dirk?**

**GT: I was thinking about all the stuff he said to me while we were all telling him to dance.**

**GT: And yeah i was really being a prick when i ran away to lomax.**

**GT: He was right about everything. I should have come clean about wanting some space.**

**TG: dammit jake **

**TG: after your whole bravery spiel you wanna relay double apologies thru me? **

**GT: I know! Im so terrible im sorry!**

**GT: Im just not feeling up to those conversations yet.**

**GT: My head is KILLING me! Augh grandma why did your sweet skull based computing technology have to be such a BRAIN FUCKER!**

**TG: well i cant do it **

**GT: Why?**

**TG: cause im sort of **

**TG: kinda **

**TG: not talkin 2 dirk either **

**GT: Why not?**

**TG: cause of **

**TG: reasons **

**TG: :( **

**GT: Golly.**

**GT: But you are talking to jane yes?**

**TG: y **

**GT: Well...**

**GT: Seeing as shes presumably talking to dirk...**

**GT: And youre relaying my apology to her already...**

**GT: Why dont you relay my apology to dirk through her?**

**TG: omfg jake **

**TG: jake no **

**TG: lmao **

**GT: Why not!**

**GT: Shed probably be a sport about it.**

**GT: Hell they could probably bond over what an absolute douchemuffin ive been to them both.**

**TG: EL SIGH **

**TG: look jake you squeezed a spanish sigh outta me are u happy **

**GT: And if theres some heavy business youre having trouble addressing with dirk in person you could get jane to relay him a message for you as well!**

**TG: ahahahaha jake **

**TG: jake i **

**TG: no jake **

**TG: thats so **

**TG: alright ima tell jane like p much exactly what you said **

**TG: but only because its so fuckin dumb and hilarious**

**TG: jane jake wants u to pass an apology to dirk for him too **

**GG: What?**

**TG: is tru **

**GG: This is just getting silly.**

**TG: he wants you both 2 bond over his douchemuffininess **

**TG: ps douchemuffin was his word not mine **

**TG: im being hellies impartial about all this **

**GG: We were already sort of doing that!**

**TG: oh yeah? **

**GG: Wait, don't tell him that.**

**GG: That would be mean spirited.**

**TG: hold up what are you and dirk saying **

**GG: Oh nothing.**

**TG: anything bout me **

**GG: No!**

**GG: Just some stuff we should have talked about a long time ago.**

**TG: gotcha **

**TG: oh also **

**TG: he wants me to tell you to give a message to dirk from me too while youre at it **

**TG: the crocker switchboard is LIGHTING UP today **

**GG: Why does Jake want you to give Dirk a message through me?**

**TG: um because hes ridiculous? **

**GG: Do you actually WANT to say something to Dirk, but can't at the moment?**

**TG: oh **

**TG: uh **

**TG: not really **

**GG: Hm?**

**TG: well **

**TG: idk **

**GG: Wait, is Dirk not talking to you for some reason?**

**GG: Is that why Jake suggested going through me?**

**GG: Good gravy, this is getting complicated.**

**TG: no **

**TG: well i mean **

**TG: maybe he does got a bone 2 pick with me and dont wanna talk**

**TG: but im not sure **

**TG: mainly its that i cant bring myself to talk to him **

**GG: Why not?**

Elsewhere on Prospit, in a jail cell, the Archagent of Derse filled out parking citations with a yellow pointy thing from outside his window.

**TG: cause im a shitty disgrace**

**TG: and hes probably so ashamed of me he can barely stand being inside the same moon w me at this point**

**GG: Why would you think that?**

**TG: because**

**TG: you heard what he said**

**TG: about how i fell off the wagon**

**TG: you could just tell how disappointed he was**

**TG: and he was right to be**

**GG: But you weren't in your right state of mind though!**

**TG: i know **

**TG: but you said it yourself **

**TG: about the confessions you made to jake **

**TG: sure you were trippin balls on a cherub pop **

**TG: but that really just enabled you to do what you really wanted to do deep down **

**TG: so whatd i do the moment jake snuck up and owned me with that magic pumpkin? **

**TG: i was like YO LETS GET SMASHED AT MY PLACE**

Suddenly, a pumpkin appeared in Jack's cell. It contained Lil Cal in a green felt suit, a saw, a couple of knives, a crowbar, and a "you're mother fuckin welcome" note from… some kind of weird-looking clown?

**TG: i hardly wasted a second before giving in**

**TG: and here i thought i was actually over that**

**TG: but the second im given the slightest justification to drink again i say fuck it**

**TG: so it turns out i didnt stop wanting to like i told myself**

**TG: but that i still wanted to while pretending i didnt per some bogus tough girl act**

**TG: like i thought i was better than the problem**

**TG: or more like i thought i was too cool and too strong to admit it was actually really hard**

**TG: but the truth is i was not strong + cool **

**TG: i was weak + lame all along **

**TG: and now dirk knows that too and for some reason letting him down feels like the worst part? **

**TG: which is equally lame and weak cuz i should care for my own sake not for how it makes a dude see me but it still just really bothers me ? **

**TG: man **

**TG: jake again hold pls**

Jack pulled Lil Cal out of the pumpkin, the tools and weapons scattering across the floor.

**GT: Roxy?**

**GT: Rox! What is she saying?**

**GT: Talk to me roxy!**

**GT: Please dont leave me hanging here.**

**GT: I cant take it i cant bear having two of my closest chums hate me and then having you shut me out on top of that!**

**TG: ok sheesh jake calm ur microshorts**

**TG: im here**

**GT: Ah there you are.**

**GT: Im sorry for being a pest but i just see jane there pecking away at conversations with you and dirk and it feels like youre all kind of leaving me behind.**

**TG: no jake nobodys doin that**

**GT: Ok yeah im probably being paranoid...**

**GT: But ive done such a bangup job of alienating my other friends.**

**GT: So youre the only one i can talk to for now.**

**GT: Wait i havent alienated you yet have i?**

**TG: nah dont worry we are still humanated**

**GT: Are you really sure roxy? Are you sure youre not just trying to spare my feelings?**

**GT: You can be honest with me! If you hate me now too please just say so.**

**TG: SWEET GUY FIERIS FAT LAUGHING GHOST JAKE**

**TG: no i dont hate you i promise youre still my bro god dammit!**

**GT: Ok. Phew!**

**GT: Then talk to me!**

**TG: um **

**TG: about what **

**GT: I dont know. Anything! What are you talking about with jane?**

**TG: my drinkin problems **

**GT: I see.**

**GT: Would you like to talk about them with me? Maybe i could help!**

**TG: damn jake **

**TG: like **

**TG: that is cool and appreciated in theory? **

**TG: but this is some kinda heavy shit 4 me **

**TG: i rly dunno if i can do double duty on my alcoholism with you and jane simultaneously **

**GT: Oh. Yeah thats probably not the best way to go.**

**TG: yes prolly not**

Simultaneously, Jack and Caliborn stared into the puppet's eyes. Caliborn's hypnotizing stare echoed through Jack's body.


	254. Book 15 Chapter 3: Tremors

Chapter 3: Tremors

**GT: Sooo then. What else is there we can chew the old fat about?**

**GT: Really bond over together in an emotionally fulfilling manner?**

**TG: dag you are an extra silly guy**

**GT: Well?**

**TG: dunno j why dont u tell me what youre thinkin an we go from there**

**GT: Alright.**

**GT: So. That sure was a doozy of a kiss you gave dirk there huh?**

**TG: LOL fuck**

**TG: yeaaaahhh**

**GT: How was it?**

**TG: it was**

**TG: uuuummmmm**

**GT: Go on!**

**TG: it was fuckin INAPPROPRIATE!**

**TG: and yet**

**TG: and yet...**

**TG: omg it was so choice**

**TG: but wrong!**

**TG: wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong **

**GT: I dont know. It seemed innocent enough to me.**

**GT: What was so wrong about it?**

**TG: a whole host of things... **

**TG: not sure in how much detail i wanna spell out why exactly it wasnt cool **

**TG: but like **

**TG: jake ur a pretty simple guy and i mean that as 3ways as possible **

**TG: it just wasnt right **

**GT: No disagreement there. But like i said im here to talk about whatever you feel like.**

**TG: ok see this is just another embarrassing thing from my past**

**TG: when i was more out of control **

**TG: with dirk i was just **

**TG: waaay too aggressive **

**TG: i hassled him all the time **

**TG: pretty much every day just like he said **

**TG: about **

**TG: me and him **

**TG: like **

**TG: GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES! **

**TG: U KNO LAST MALE &amp; FEMALE ON EARTH OOH HES A HUNK! IS DREAMZ COME TRU TIME 4 REPOPULATE!**

Jack's eyes began to mirror cueballs as Caliborn's stare intensified and the crazed Archagent stabbed his eyes out.

**TG: yeah**

**TG: so not cool lookin back on it**

**TG: and i had no excuse i always knew he was just**

**TG: SUCH a gay dude**

**TG: and i guess maybe hitting on a guy who dont like girls once or twice maybe is alright or even flattering but after so long it was probably just pissing him off or messing with his head or something**

**TG: it def wasnt what he wanted to hear from a friend**

**TG: let alone day in and day out through garbled drunktexts**

**TG: so when i fuckin harassed him into kissin me...**

**TG: it just brought back some low rent shit i thought we put behind us**

**TG: just another way i completely humiliated myself in front of him**

**GT: So is that why you cant talk to him now?**

**TG: mmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm**

**GT: I certainly have no trouble relating to that.**

**TG: yep**

**TG: i dont even know why really**

**TG: hes like taciturn to the max about everything**

**TG: but theres somethin about him**

**TG: that just makes it hurt to feel like you let him down**

**GT: You really love him dont you?**

**TG: siiigh **

**TG: yeah jake i guess **

**TG: the answer is **

**TG: a categorical unapologetic fucking 'yeah' **

**TG: but **

**TG: i dont think that was much a secret **

**TG: and the fact that it was so LOUDLY not a secret exemplified my stupidity on the matter **

**GT: Its fair to say i never came close to feeling as strongly about him as you.**

**GT: I envy you actually. Ive actually worried at times that i just wasnt capable of feeling that way about anyone.**

**GT: And maybe thats why i was just meant to be alone.**

**TG: ehh you aint missin much **

**TG: love is a brutal shitninja w/ turds 4 nunchucks **

**TG: be grateful that stank ass motherfuckers flippin out nowhere near you**

**GT: I noticed you nearly slipped that wedding ring on his finger!**

**TG: oh GOD **

**TG: that ring **

**GT: You almost scooped my boyfriend out from under me in one fell proposal.**

**TG: oh DID i **

**TG: from under u eh? ;) **

**GT: Wait. No i mean...**

**TG: ;););););) wonks 4 eternity **

**GT: WHOA NOW WAIT A MINUTE!**

**TG: easy dude just messin**

**GT: Oh. **

**GT: Ha ha ok. **

**TG: man**

**TG: that ring tho**

**TG: what happened to it do you remember?**

**GT: Not really. **

**TG: god damn it**

**TG: must of lost it when i was a FUCKING trickster**

**TG: sflkjfslkfj**

**TG: *shakes fist all trxstrs***

Jack sawed his leg off, replacing it with the pointy thing from outside his window, then took Cal's eyes out and stuck them in his own empty sockets. He picked up the crowbar and roared fiercely.

**GT: Did you need it for something?**

**TG: need it?**

**TG: not really**

**TG: i just really liked that ring**

**TG: kinda spoke to me in a way**

**TG: hehe**

**TG: want to know something lame?**

**GT: Yes.**

**TG: the moment i first saw that ring**

**TG: i was like in my head**

**TG: thinkin**

**TG: some day i want to give that ring to the person i marry**

**TG: whoever that is**

**GT: Daw.**

**GT: Thats not lame thats nice. **

**TG: nah its pretty lame but w/e**

**TG: shows what sorta one track mind i got**

**TG: god i am obsessed with findin somebody to kiss arent i**

**TG: it is rly quite pathetic**

**TG: although the funny thing is the ring turns you invisible**

**TG: which might be my subconscious telling me something about my lovelife**

**TG: like i find a guy of my dreams**

**TG: slip it on his finger**

**TG: and POOF he disappears!**

**TG: bye bye hubby**

**TG: o well dont matter **

**TG: the ring is gone**

**TG: and with it so too**

**TG: are my lame, lame dreams ;(**

Jack exploded the entire Prospitian prison.

**GG: Is everything ok?**

**TG: yeah he just wanted to make sure i dont hate him like yall do which you dont even**

**GG: I... see.**

**TG: so im just talking to him a bit to help him not feel bad**

**TG: sorry**

**GG: That's ok.**

**GG: You were saying?**

**TG: i was gonna say why i finally quit drinkin**

**TG: i mean if you want to know**

**GG: Yes.**

**GG: Actually, once you did stop, it made me finally realize it was a problem for you for a long time.**

**GG: And I didn't say anything at the time, but it made me wonder if I wasn't doing the right thing before.**

**GG: By failing to point out you might have a problem? Or just going along with it and participating in lively banter any time you clearly had too much to drink?**

**GG: Was I just being a bad friend?**

**TG: nah it wasnt your responsibility to fix my shit**

**TG: and anyway i think i made it hard for anyone to come at me like it was a real problem**

**TG: i was always joking around so much and havin a good time like kind of overzealously so**

**TG: that i probably just made people feel like a shitty wet blanket for even mentioning it**

**GG: How long do you think it's been a problem?**

**TG: i dont know its hard to say exactly when i started getting real carried away **

**TG: just at some point i discovered a load of my moms centurys old booze in the house **

**TG: and i didnt have much to relate to her by except her books **

**TG: so i felt like drinking was a way to be more like her **

**TG: or be closer to her kinda **

**TG: and there was nobody around except the silly chess people **

**TG: who in a way just made me feel more alone **

**TG: cause they reminded me i was only one of two humans left and the other was an ocean away **

**TG: so little by little **

**TG: i got out of hand **

**TG: and one of the only things i had to look forward to was the idea that the game was supposed to be able to bring my mom back**

**TG: assuming i even decided to help the batterwitch out by playing at all**

**GG: But it turned out you couldn't bring her back. At least not the way you thought.**

**GG: So what was it that made you finally decide to give it up?**

**TG: well **

**TG: thats pretty much what it was **

**TG: when i first went to lopan i saw my sprite there **

**TG: so i got out my bottle of momslime and was all ready for the bestest most poignant reunion ever **

**TG: and thats when the juggalo struck **

**TG: and i just knew the witch had fucked me over AGAIN **

**TG: cause what other hag is insane enough to get juggalos to do her dirty biz nigh exclusively? **

**TG: NO HAGS BUT HER **

**TG: and i was so pissed and so distraught about that goddamn clown squandering my sprite **

**TG: so i got crazy drunk and felt the super sorriest for myself i ever did **

**TG: but little did i know there would be a lovely silver lining to the debacle **

**GG: Dear, sweet, precious Fefeta!**

**TG: :3 **

**TG: she became a great friend **

**TG: and whats more was she told me not to worry **

**TG: that my mom would be comin anyway and all i had to do was wait a while **

**TG: and i believed her cause she knew stuff + was THA BEST **

**TG: so thats when i decided to clean up my act**

**TG: i didnt want her to meet a sloppy embarrassing mess of a daughter **

**TG: even if she did like to drink at some point it was kind of a childish idea that doing so myself would make me closer to her or help us bond or whatever **

**TG: anyway i think i might of overestimated her drinkin habits **

**TG: she sure didnt look like no drunk **

**TG: oh! **

**TG: jane did i mention **

**TG: i saw her in a dream today! **

**GG: No!**

**TG: shes real young tho **

**TG: like our age **

**TG: and she looks so pretty and happy **

**TG: not like a girl w booze challenges **

**TG: i think her fav color must be orange just like dirk **

**TG: she was wearin the same sunny orange nighty deal i caught a glimpse of her in v briefly another time **

**TG: and oh... **

**TG: she also called me mom? **

**GG: Huh?**

**TG: huh is right **

**TG: u know im really not sure if shes actually my mom **

**TG: but i do know were totes genetically related somehow **

**TG: i just think theres more to it than we know **

**GG: I guess we'll find out!**

**GG: Whoa…**

**GG: The whole place was shaking for a moment there. **

**TG: wut**

**GT: Roxy do you know if jane just felt that rumbling too?**

**TG: yea**

The Archagent blew the entire half of Prospit he'd been on to pieces, his glowing form floating out into space with a snarl.

**TT: Is it still going on?**

**GG: No, it stopped.**

**TT: What do you think it was?**

**GG: I don't know. Maybe an earthquake?**

**TT: I'm not sure if these moons can have earthquakes.**

**GG: Doesn't matter.**

**GG: Some sort of Prospitian lunar anomaly, I guess. Probably nothing to worry about.**

**TT: Maybe it was like, tidal forces. Due to gravitation. **

**TT: Or the tensile forces from that big ass chain. **

**GG: Um. Yes! Let's say that's what it was.**

**TT: Have you and Roxy been talking?**

**GG: Yes. **

**TT: Is she pissed at me or something?**

**TT: She won't talk to me.**

**GG: No, not at all. **

**TT: Then what gives.**

**GG: She was wondering the same about you.**

**TT: What? **

**GG: Are you disappointed in her?**

**TT: Why would I be? **

**GG: It seemed that way to her earlier.**

**GG: When you chastised her for drinking again.**

**TT: Well, yeah. I was upset she fell off the horse.**

**TT: Or the wagon. The horse wagon. Whatever.**

**TT: The thing you ride around on when you ain't drinking.**

**TT: But so what. There was cotton candy in her hair, and she was being stupid. What do you expect? It was a moment of indiscretion.**

**TT: I'm not mad at her and I'm not disappointed in her. That's ridiculous.**

**TT: Want to know what I really think of Roxy?**

**TT: I'm proud of her. **

**TT: She's the only one of us who could face her problems and then get down to business and actually solve them. **

**TT: No endless hand wringing or suffering in silence or any of that bullshit. **

**TT: She saw she had an addiction. And then decided to fucking fix it. Just like that. **

**TT: She's probably stronger than the other three of us put together.**

**TT: Remember way back before this started, we were talking. You and me. **

**TT: And I was rambling at length about leadership, like I actually had a clue what I was talking about? **

**GG: I remember.**

**GG: You said I would be the leader of our team, in name and in spirit.**

**GG: Although I never really felt like it.**

**TT: Yeah. That's kind of the point. **

**TT: I guess in a way, I was right. But not how I expected.**

**TT: See, to be perfectly honest, we are a party of losers. **

**TT: Heroes make shit happen. But that's not what we do, or what we're even SUPPOSED to do. **

**TT: We wait. **

**TT: We wait for literally everything. We wait for other people to reach out first so we can fix our relationships. We wait for these legendary heroes to arrive and bring competence and promise to a futile situation. **

**TT: Even now. Look at us. What are we waiting for? **

**TT: To kill ourselves? For someone to come along and do it for us? **

**TT: It doesn't even matter. **

**TT: As the four nobles of the void session, we do what we were created to do. **

**TT: We sit around on our asses. **

**TT: Waiting.**

The Condesce floated away from Derse with a grin, preparing the powers she'd garnered from The Helmsman.

**TT: We were all designated for a session that was utterly inert.**

**TT: A place where the mechanisms for success never even existed to begin with.**

**TT: In such a place it makes sense that the formal leader would be neutralized, to made feel unempowered and static.**

**TT: And it seems particularly fitting she would be the noble of life in a realm of the dead.**

**TT: A realm that foretold of a life player who felt lifeless, a hope player who felt hopeless, and a heart player who was just a stone cold motherfucker.**

**TT: When we talked about leadership, and I was all on my high horse telling you how shit would go down...**

**TT: I also said I would be the one "pulling the strings." Remember? That I'd be the functional leader of our party.**

**TT: And there might have been something to that, in a different session.**

**TT: But what good is a "man of action" in a place where action itself is intrinsically fruitless?**

**TT: So it's occurred to me that by some tragic flaw in its design, our session was meant to be leaderless.**

**TT: And I'd feel safe concluding that. Except for a feeling that's been gnawing at me.**

**TT: It's the feeling that it would make perfect sense if a session like this had a dark horse leader. **

**TT: A leader who was invisible to us all along. Fittingly, a void player to lead a void session. **

**TT: She would be a leader not in name or in spirit or in function, whatever that means. **

**TT: But more of an emotional leader, who would selflessly try to hold everyone together while the rest of us did our best to fall apart. **

**TT: And Roxy has been that for us every step of the way, going unnoticed and unappreciated. **

**TT: Think of how much shit she's had to put up with from all of us. **

**TT: She never complains, never turns it around and makes it about her problems. **

**TT: She just works her ass off making sure we all stay friends.**

**TT: If that isn't a leader, I don't know what is.**

**TT: So that's how crazy it is for her to think I'm disappointed in her. **

**TT: The truth is, she's the most amazing person I ever knew. **

**TT: She's everything in a human being I wish I could be, but can't because I'm in my own way. **

**TT: Honestly, I'm not even sure if I'm worthy of dying next to her. **

**TT: I think she probably felt bad for hitting on me all those years. Like I was getting fed up with her, or something. **

**TT: But all it really did was make me feel guilty. **

**TT: That I couldn't give her what she wanted.**

**TT: Like, settle down and have a couple weirdo goddamn kids with her some day. **

**TT: I guess there were times I thought about it. Being all alone on Earth with her and stuff. **

**TT: I couldn't though. **

**TT: Have to stay true to myself. **

**TT: Still, she would deserve it. **

**TT: Nobody deserves to get all the things they always wanted more than she does. **

**TT: And it suddenly seems kinda stupid that I think these things about her but she doesn't even know it. **

**TT: I guess I should tell her all this some time.**

**GG: I think that would be nice.**

**GG: Of course, she IS right there, you know.**

**TT: I know. **

**TT: I'm a little reluctant to drop all that on her. **

**TT: Looking at what I just said, it's... **

**TT: Kind of overwhelming? **

**TT: I feel like in a way you can destroy somebody with effusive praise. **

**TT: Or maybe I'm just projecting how I would feel about that kind of intense positivity coming at me. I dunno. **

**TT: But I still think confessions like that can change stuff between people. Like the way they act around each other.**

**GG: Maybe it's worth it?**

**TT: Maybe. **

**TT: Or maybe it's better to just say... **

**TT: Not so much of it? **

**TT: Like all at once. **

**TT: Maybe it'd be better for now if you could pass a short message to her for me. **

**TT: If only to help kill this awkward silence between us. **

**GG: Like what?**

**TT: Could you just tell her, **

**TT: I love her? **

**TT: No wait! **

**TT: I mean. **

**TT: Not in that way though. **

**TT: More like... **

**GG: Dirk, I know what way you mean!**

**TT: Ok. Good. **

**TT: Yeah.**

**TT: No, wait. **

**TT: Don't. **

**TT: That would be a weird mixed signal. I mean... **

**TT: It's true. **

**TT: But please say something else instead. **

**GG: Uh, Dirk...**

**GG: Something's happening.**

**TT: Tell her that I'm proud of her.**

**TT: And as a person she's everything I wish I could be.**

**TT: I wish I could be as nice and loving and selfless as her.**

**TT: But can't.**

**TT: Because I'm too busy being me.**

**GG: Dirk!**

Simultaneously, Jack and The Condesce blasted streams of bright flashing light at Prospit and Derse, respectively.

**GG: The tremors are back.**

**GG: BIG TIME.**

**TT: That's weird.**

**TT: I can feel it too this time.**

The planets were blown to pieces.

On LOCAH, amidst the lush vegetation left over from Jane's trickster episode, the tower containing the four lanterns exploded as the four nobles were killed.

Jane, Jake, Dirk, and Roxy rose from their quest beds, god tiers.

Dirk wore puffy shorts and a maroon shirt with a windsock.

Jane wore white bandage-like leggings, a beige dress with a brown windsock and coattails, and gray shoes with a pink rim.

Jake wore tight short shorts, a yellow outfit with an orange-red belt, and orange shoes.

Roxy wore a blue dress, dark blue leggings, and a large hood that overshadowed her face.

Dirk and Roxy stared, terrified, at the Condesce as she approached them casually. Jake and Jane stared, terrified, as Jack rushed towards them angrily, crowbar out behind him and ready to attack.

On LOMAX, a crack appeared in the fourth wall.

Dog Tier Jade appeared between Jack and the terrified new god tiers, using her space powers to zap the Archagent away into the Furthest Ring just outside of the medium. Jack turned around to see B2 Skaia in the distance and headed back towards it.

**JADE: hi!**

**JAKE: …**

**JANE: …**

**JADE: are you jake?**

**JAKE: Um.**

**JAKE: Yeah.**

**JADE: hi jake!**

**JADE: im jade**

**JADE: its nice to finally meet you!**

**JAKE: Wow.**

**JAKE: Ummm.**

**JAKE: Yeah.**

**JADE: and you must be jane?**

**JANE: Me? **

**JADE: mm hm!**

**JANE: Oh. **

**JANE: I... **

**JANE: Yes. **

**JADE: its nice to meet you too jane**

**JANE: Yes.**

**JADE: so uh...**

**JADE: jake**

She looked down at the incredibly short shorts that Jake was wearing. They could almost be considered underpants.

**JADE: where are your pants?**

**JANE: :|**

**JAKE: :o**

The Condesce smirked and began to use the powers of The Summoner and Mindfang, channeling them in Jade's direction.

Jade's head tilted to the side and she growled, and then she began to crackle with Green Sun energy.

**JADE:** **BARK**

Jane and Jake looked at each other worriedly.

In her mind's eye, Jade saw LOHAC and Jane's house on LOHAC, and then Jane's tiaratop. She pointed her finger like a gun at Jane's forehead and zapped the tiaratop at it. The tiaratop snapped into place around Jane's head and her outfit turned red, covered with weird lines that looked like those found on computer chips. The same lines appeared on her face and around her eyes, and her pupils turned bright red.

**OBEY**

**SUBMIT**

**CONSUME**

Grimbark Jade zapped away, leaving Jake to deal with the new monstrosity she'd created. Jake screamed.

**JANE:** **OBEY.**

Dirk drew his unbreakable katana and leaped at The Condesce. The Condesce snapped her fingers and Jade appeared, punching Dirk hard across the face, knocking him backwards. At the same time, Jane punched Jake in the chest.

Jade zapped Dirk away into the Furthest Ring, just outside the B2 medium. He was on the opposite side as Jack, however.

Roxy stared at Jade in horror. Jake stared at Jane in pain, clutching his chest. Jane and Jade dragged their friends to Derse, which had somehow remained partially intact after the blast.

**)(IC: suckas**

End of Act 6 Act 5.


	255. Book 15 Chapter 4: Almost There

Chapter 4: Almost There

Act 6 Intermission 5.

Karkat cleared his throat and held the crab device on his wrist to his mouth.

**KARKAT: DAVE ARE YOU THERE**

**KARKAT: COME IN DAVE.**

**KARKAT: THIS IS KARKAT. **

**KARKAT: OVER.**

**KARKAT: ANSWER ME YOU JACKOFF. **

**KARKAT: DON'T BE ALL LIKE YOU'RE TOO BUSY TO PICK UP, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID. **

**KARKAT: YOU ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS METEOR WHO'S GOT EVEN LESS ON HIS NUTRITION PLATEAU THAN ME. **

**KARKAT: EVEN THE MAYOR HAS A MORE DEMANDING SCHEDULE THAN WE DO, LET'S FACE THE FUCKING FACTS. **

**KARKAT: WHAT. DID YOU THINK CAN TOWN RUNS ITSELF? **

**KARKAT: FAT CHANCE. **

**KARKAT: DAVE. **

**KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT DAVE. **

**KARKAT: I HAVE A PROBLEM. **

**KARKAT: NO. **

**KARKAT: *WE* HAVE A PROBLEM.**

**KARKAT: SKAIA IS NOW VISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE. **

**KARKAT: WE CAN'T BE MUCH MORE THAN A FEW HOURS AWAY. **

**KARKAT: THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. **

**KARKAT: THREE OF THE LONGEST HUMAN "YEARS" WE'LL EVER HAVE TO LIVE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. **

**KARKAT: SUNK INTO THIS DEPRESSING LABORATORY WHICH BY ALL ACCOUNTS SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUNCTIONED AS ANYTHING BUT OUR ETERNAL TOMB. **

**KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW WE'RE EVEN SUPPOSED TO STOP THIS THING. DO YOU? **

**KARKAT: OH WELL, SENDING IT BLASTING OFF SOMEWHERE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT SURE SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME! **

**KARKAT: AND NOW THAT WE'RE FINALLY HERE, AFTER ALL THE WAITING AND DRAMA AND BOREDOM AND STUPID BULLSHIT WITH OUR ANCESTRAL GHOSTS **

**KARKAT: AND EVEN DISREGARDING THE ONE HILARIOUSLY NEGLECTED DETAIL THAT THIS METEOR HAS NO FUCKING BRAKES **

**KARKAT: I STILL DON'T THINK WE'RE READY FOR THIS.**

**KARKAT: *SIGH***

**KARKAT: I DON'T **

**KARKAT: ... **

**KARKAT: HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO ADDRESS THIS SHIT. **

**KARKAT: OK, HOW ABOUT THIS. **

**KARKAT: SINCE I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER GENERAL PURPOSE QUESTION TO HELP BREAK THE ICE IN LITERALLY ANY IMAGINABLE SOCIAL SITUATION.**

Karkat looked down. Terezi lay on the ground in her scalemate underwear, surrounded by horns and bottles of Faygo.

**KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOUR FUCKING PANTS?**

**TEREZI: ZZZZZZZ**

**DAVE: my pants**

**DAVE: what are you talking about**

**DAVE: theyre on my legs**

**KARKAT: I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.**

**DAVE: oh**

**KARKAT: DAVE, WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM HERE.**

**DAVE: what**

**KARKAT: I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAD A...**

**KARKAT: WHAT DID YOU CALL IT?**

**KARKAT: AN INTERVENTION?**

**DAVE: for rose?**

**KARKAT: NO, NOT ROSE.**

**KARKAT: WHY WOULD I BE TALKING ABOUT ROSE?**

**KARKAT: SHE DOESN'T HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM THAT SHE NEEDS TO BE CONFRONTED ABOUT BY HER FRIENDS BEFORE SHE FLUSHES HER WHOLE LIFE DOWN THE GAPER, DOES SHE?**

**DAVE: uh yeah kind of**

**KARKAT: WHY? BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO DRINK THAT GOOFY HUMAN SOPORIFIC THAT MAKES HER A LOT FUNNIER AND MORE CHARMING THAN USUAL?**

**KARKAT: HOW IS THAT A PROBLEM?**

**KARKAT: I WAS TALKING ABOUT TEREZI.**

**DAVE: man terezi doesnt need an intervention**

**DAVE: she just drinks a lot of soda**

**KARKAT: HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW THAT IS A *HUGE* FUCKING PROBLEM.**

**DAVE: its red fizzy shitwater dude who cares**

**KARKAT: OK, CAN WE JUST ONCE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE ARE MUTUAL ALIENS TO EACH OTHER AND AS SUCH POSSIBLY HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES AND STANDARDS ABOUT THINGS?**

**KARKAT: JUST THIS ONE TIME DAVE? THANKS!**

**DAVE: terezi has made her choices**

**DAVE: among them was to begin guzzling untold liters of that putrid circus cola**

**DAVE: think of it as like a rite of passage**

**DAVE: like something that just goes with the territory when someone you know almost imperceptibly begins turning into a juggalo**

**DAVE: wait fuck**

**DAVE: maybe she does need an intervention**

**KARKAT: SHE NEEDS TO WAKE UP SO WE CAN TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS.**

**KARKAT: SHE WON'T WAKE UP, WHAT DO I DO.**

**DAVE: did you try kicking her**

**KARKAT: YES.**

**DAVE: im out of ideas**

**TEREZI: SNOOOOOR3**

Karkat lifted the crab from his arm.

**KARKAT: WELL, WHENEVER SHE WAKES UP, WE ALL NEED TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK ABOUT THIS.**

**KARKAT: IF SHE'S IN THIS CONDITION WHEN WE GET TO THE NEW SESSION, IT'LL BE A GODDAMN EMBARRASSMENT.**

**KARKAT: NOT TO MENTION DEADLY! NEED I REMIND YOU WHO'S STILL FOLLOWING US? SHE DOESN'T LOOK PRIMED FOR BATTLE FROM WHERE I'M STANDING!**

**KARKAT: WE NEED TO ACT AS A UNIFIED FRONT, DAVE. WE NEED TO LET HER KNOW THAT AS HER FRIENDS WE CAN'T STAND BY AND WATCH HER DEGRADE HERSELF LIKE THIS.**

**DAVE: man i dunno**

**DAVE: sounds like you wanna make this needlessly melodramatic**

**KARKAT: STAND BY. I'M PUTTING YOU ON SPEAKER CRAB.**

**DAVE: speaker crab**

**KARKAT: YES. SPEAKER CRAB.**

**DAVE: man dont put me on speaker crab**

**KARKAT: SHE NEEDS TO HEAR FROM YOU DAVE. SHE TRUSTS YOU.**

**DAVE: god**

**DAVE: honestly she can do whatever she wants i put this all behind me a while ago**

**DAVE: why do you really want me in on this conversation is it just that you dont know what to say by yourself**

**KARKAT: MAYBE IT IS DAVE!**

**KARKAT: MAYBE THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT FUCKING IS.**

**KARKAT: I'M SORRY. I'M NOT A "GOD TIER".**

**KARKAT: I AM NOT SO FORTUNATE AS TO BE BLESSED WITH THE "GIFT OF GAB" LIKE YOU.**

**DAVE: what**

**KARKAT: THAT BADGE YOU EARNED. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT MAKES IT EASIER TO TALK TO PEOPLE?**

**KARKAT: LIKE, REALLY OPEN UP ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS AND SAY WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE SAID?**

**DAVE: hahaha thats what you think that does?**

**KARKAT: ISN'T IT?**

**DAVE: no dude thats not what gift of gab does**

**KARKAT: OK WHAT DOES IT DO THEN WISE GUY!**

**DAVE: its utility isnt really comprehensible to lowly mortals sorry**

**KARKAT: YOU SNIDE CHUTE HUFFER.**

**KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE SO I CAN PUSH YOU OFF THIS BUILDING?**

**DAVE: nah**

**KARKAT: I'M PUTTING YOU ON SPEAKER CRAB, AND THEN TOGETHER WE ARE GOING TO KEEP IT *REAL AS SHIT*, DO YOU HEAR ME?**

Karkat set the crab on the ground and it began to project Dave's image into the air.

**DAVE: what do you actually want from her**

**DAVE: do you want her to stop drinking faygo and falling asleep in puddles of red fructose corn slobber**

**DAVE: or do you want her to somehow address the root of those habits and cut all that out for good**

**KARKAT: YES! I WANT HER TO DO THAT!**

**KARKAT: THE LATTER THING.**

**DAVE: yeah i can understand where youre coming from**

**DAVE: but in situations like this i think you need to remind yourself theres only so much you can do for somebody**

**DAVE: and maybe they arent going to want or need your help and you just have to figure out how to deal with that**

**DAVE: like at some point in your life one of your friends might start spending all her time with a guy you think is bad news**

**DAVE: and you have to decide if you need to intervene as a friend or just let it go because people can change or drift apart or whatever because thats just something that happens**

**KARKAT: DAVE**

**KARKAT: YOUR WISDOM, MY GOD**

**KARKAT: IT'S KNOCKING MY SOCKS OFF. HOLY SHIT, PLEASE TELL ME THE SECRET TO YOUR WISE WAYS.**

**KARKAT: AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, MAYBE YOU COULD TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.**

**DAVE: look all im saying is**

**DAVE: there comes a time in every young womans life when she has to come to terms with the decision to gradually morph into a juggalo while all her friends and loved ones watch in dismay**

**DAVE: terezi has strolled through the dark carnival and taken a great brooding whiff of that decisions festive asshole and the choice she has made is all too clear**

**DAVE: shes down with the clown**

**KARKAT: NO, DON'T SAY THAT.**

**DAVE: its true man**

**DAVE: you can live in denial for only so long**

**DAVE: but as your bro i have to say it like it is**

**DAVE: she and gamzee man**

**DAVE: that is literally a thing**

**DAVE: they are in the hate square together**

**DAVE: total kismespades dude**

**KARKAT: NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.**

**KARKAT: I MEAN, I KNOW THAT.**

**KARKAT: JUST WHY DO YOU HAVE TO PUT EVERYTHING SO "COLORFULLY"?**

**KARKAT: I GUESS I DO THE SAME THING, BUT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO TAKE THINGS TO A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF GROSS. JUST PLEASE SAY SHIT NORMALLY FOR A CHANGE, OK.**

**KARKAT: REGARDING GAMZEE, YEAH. I KNEW ABOUT THAT ALREADY.**

**DAVE: oh**

**DAVE: really?**

**DAVE: then what the fuck have i been tiptoeing around all this time god damn**

**DAVE: i thought this was supposed to be like this "big secret" that would "destroy you" if you found out**

**KARKAT: MOTHERFUCKER, PLEASE.**

**KARKAT: DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? I'VE SUSPECTED THIS WAS GOING ON FOR A LONG TIME.**

**KARKAT: I WAS JUST BEING LIKE YOU, PLAYING IT COOL, LETTING HER DO WHATEVER.**

**DAVE: then why is it a problem now**

**KARKAT: BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST STRAW! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE READY FOR ACTION BY NOW.**

**KARKAT: NOT COMATOSE, HALF NAKED AND FAYGO STICKY.**

**KARKAT: GOD, I WONDER WHAT SORT OF BULLSHIT HE'S GOT HER BELIEVING IN NOW? ABOUT THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS AND SHANGRI LA AND ALL THAT GARBAGE.**

**KARKAT: IT MAKES ME SO SAD TO THINK SHE'S CAUGHT UP IN HIS SUPERSTITIOUS WEB OF LIES.**

**KARKAT: IT'S BEEN AWFUL WATCHING THE PERSON I USED TO KNOW SLOWLY DRIFT AWAY FROM ME, TO THE POINT WHERE SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE GONE.**

**KARKAT: HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO DEAL WITH THAT?**

**DAVE: what**

**KARKAT: YOU AND SHE USED TO SEE EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME. WHAT HAPPENED?**

**DAVE: like i said i just put it behind me**

**DAVE: she started sneaking around in vents and stuff acting suspicious trying to hide the fact that she was seeing him**

**DAVE: like she was obviously ashamed of it and worried how id react**

**DAVE: but it was hella transparent that was going on so i just said**

**DAVE: thats fine yall can do your blackrom thing with the juggalo its your decision**

**DAVE: but i cant keep playing along**

**DAVE: i cant do the quadrant thing its just too weird for me**

**DAVE: im not a troll and im not all open minded about gettin multicultural**

**DAVE: i still dont understand the spades thing and it makes me really fuckin uncomfortable even trying to imagine how that works and i sure as fuck dont want to date anybody whos got a hateclown on the side**

**DAVE: so i said no hard feelings i still like you and all, do whatever makes you happy ill just be over here in the hyper gravity chamber training to beat lord english**

**KARKAT: WE HAVE A HYPER GRAVITY CHAMBER?**

**DAVE: no**

**KARKAT: OH**

**DAVE: but what about you**

**DAVE: havent you been talking to gamzee this whole time**

**DAVE: or is he just balls out lying to you about sneakin around the meteor with terezi**

**DAVE: i thought moirails were supposed to be open with each other about stuff like that**

**KARKAT: YEAH. UH.**

**KARKAT: GAMZEE ENDED OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE QUITE SOME TIME AGO.**

**DAVE: oh shit**

**DAVE: sorry to hear about that**

**KARKAT: IT'S FINE. IT WAS REALLY A DEAD END PALE RELATIONSHIP.**

**KARKAT: AT FIRST IT REALLY SEEMED LIKE I WAS A NECESSARY PART OF HIS LIFE, KEEPING HIS SHIT UNDER CONTROL...**

**KARKAT: BUT AS TIME WENT ON HE JUST GOT COMPLETELY DISINTERESTED AND WASN'T KEEPING UP WITH HIS END OF THE THING AT ALL.**

**KARKAT: HE STARTED GETTING SO UNBELIEVABLY SELF SATISFIED AND PIOUS, LIKE WAY MORE THAN HE EVER WAS BEFORE.**

**KARKAT: LIKE HE'S JUST SO COMPLETELY CONVINCED HE'S FOUND HIS CALLING, THAT THIS SESSION IS THE GATEWAY TO THE PROMISED LAND WHERE HE'LL FULFILL HIS DESTINY.**

**KARKAT: HE'S SO CAUGHT UP IN HIS IDIOTIC SCHEMES HE COULDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME ANYMORE.**

**KARKAT: WHATEVER. AT LEAST HE STOPPED KILLING PEOPLE.**

**DAVE: amazing i spent three years on this rock and never said one thing to the guy**

**DAVE: i saw him once tho**

**DAVE: just a glimpse in a dark hallway**

**DAVE: it was kinda like seeing a blurry purple bigfoot with a huge boner**

**KARKAT: OH GOD!**

**KARKAT: THAT FUCKING GOD TIER OUTFIT.**

**KARKAT: WHAT A GODDAMN FAKER. I CAN'T FOR THE LIFE OF ME IMAGINE WHERE HE GOT THAT THING.**

**KARKAT: I KNOW KANAYA SURE AS HELL DIDN'T MAKE IT FOR HIM.**

**KARKAT: THE MAN LITERALLY HAS NO SHAME.**

**DAVE: why is he wearing it**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW!**

**KARKAT: I DON'T THINK EVEN HE KNOWS.**

**KARKAT: MAYBE TO MAKE A "GOOD IMPRESSION" ON HIS FAKE ASS RELIGIOUS IDOL, AFTER HE THRUSTS HIS SACRED COD PIECE THROUGH THE GATES OF SHANGRI LA.**

**DAVE: ahahaha the best thing we ever do together is slam this assholes dumb religion**

**KARKAT: YEAH!**

**DAVE: really its the most hilarious fucking horseshit ive ever heard**

**DAVE: i mean pretty much all religions are wrong but theres wrong and then theres WRONG**

**DAVE: as in ZERO CHANCE YOU ARE EVER PROVEN RIGHT ABOUT EVEN A SINGLE THING DUDE, EVER EVER EVER**

**KARKAT: HAHAHA! IT'S SO TRUE.**

**KARKAT: I WISH I COULD SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE FINALLY REALIZES EVERYTHING HE BELIEVES IS A LIE.**

**DAVE: be one sad clown that day**

**DAVE: his bulge will probably deflate and make this high pitch noise plus corresponding flatulence**

**KARKAT: HEY DAVE.**

**KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN TO US AFTER WE MEET UP WITH THE OTHERS.**

**KARKAT: I MEAN, AS FRIENDS.**

**DAVE: what do you mean as friends**

**KARKAT: I MEAN WILL WE STILL GET TO BE BROS.**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: yeah?**

**DAVE: no offense dog but thats a dumb and neurotic question**

**KARKAT: NO BUT SEE**

**KARKAT: WE'RE GOING TO MEET ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE.**

**KARKAT: JOHN AMONG THEM.**

**KARKAT: AND JOHN IS YOUR BEST FRIEND, SO YOU WILL OSTENSIBLY RESUME THAT FRIENDSHIP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.**

**KARKAT: AND JOHN AND I HAD A FEW TESTY CONVERSATIONS WITH EACH OTHER ONE DAY, AND IN MOST OF THOSE I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF.**

**KARKAT: AND I GUESS WE BECAME FRIENDS THAT DAY? MAYBE?**

**KARKAT: BUT THE REALITY IS IT WAS JUST ONE DAY, AND HE'D BE WELL WITHIN A REASONABLE FRAME OF MIND NOT TO GIVE A CRAP IN HINDSIGHT ABOUT THE GUY WHO TROLLED HIM ONCE THREE YEARS AGO.**

**KARKAT: AND THE SAME GOES FOR JADE!**

**KARKAT: I THOUGHT WE HAD A DECENT RAPPORT, BUT AGAIN, IT WAS ONE DAY FOREVER AGO. SHE PROBABLY BARELY REMEMBERS ME AT THIS POINT.**

**KARKAT: WHEREAS THAT DOESN'T MATTER FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU GO WAY BACK WITH THEM. THIS IS LIKE A FUCKING *HEARTFELT REUNION* FOR YOU GUYS.**

**KARKAT: BUT WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME?**

**KARKAT: I CAN HARDLY CALL GAMZEE A FRIEND ANYMORE. WHO KNOWS IF MY FRIENDSHIP WITH TEREZI WILL EVER BE WHAT IT WAS BEFORE. I USED TO BE PRETTY CLOSE WITH KANAYA, BUT NOW SHE AND ROSE NEVER LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE FOR MORE THAN A FUCKING MINUTE.**

**KARKAT: ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS ARE DEAD, AND NOW WE'RE LEAVING THE DREAM BUBBLES BEHIND.**

**KARKAT: AND THEN THERE'S YOU.**

**KARKAT: SO**

**KARKAT: I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.**

**DAVE: you forgot the mayor**

**DAVE: youre pretty damn tight with the mayor arent you**

**KARKAT: THE MAYOR'S FRIENDSHIP IS A UNIVERSAL CONSTANT, AND I AM INSULTED BEYOND COMPREHENSION AS WELL AS MY CAPACITY TO VOMIT THAT YOU WOULD INSINUATE OTHERWISE.**

**DAVE: yeah the mayor rules**

**DAVE: but as usual you are overcomplicating this**

**DAVE: just like you overcomplicate everything**

**DAVE: friendship leadership romance**

**DAVE: shipping grids and dick battles**

**DAVE: this is real simple**

**DAVE: our meteor will somehow tokyo drift to a dead stop in the new session**

**DAVE: at which point we will keep being bros for life or something**

**DAVE: i will start being friends with john and jade again because they are my friends and never stopped being that**

**DAVE: john will also be your friend because hes cool and also a doofus who is easy to be friends with**

**DAVE: jade will be your friend too cause shes nice and likes being friends with people**

**DAVE: i can personally guarantee that she will be happy to see you**

**DAVE: and as for the new people i dont know about them but theyll probably be your friends too**

**DAVE: all i know is two of them are my parents and two of them are johns parents and aint no rule that says you cant be friends with your bros mom and pop**

**DAVE: especially when your bros mom and pop are a couple of sassy teens**

**DAVE: as for terezi i dont know i guess well see what happens**

**DAVE: and as for gamzee fuck that guy with a balloon poodle**

**DAVE: friendship lesson secured the end**

**TEREZI: ZZZZZZZ ZZNK SNOOORT**

**TEREZI: SM4CK SM4CK**

**TEREZI: NNNRNNNNNNNRRNGNGNHGHGL3**

**KARKAT: UH OH, LOOK WHO'S STARTING TO COME AROUND!**

Karkat picked up a horn and honked it in Terezi's ear as she sat up.

**KARKAT: WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!**

**KARKAT: HONK HONK HONK, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S TIME TO FACE THE FUCKING MUSIC.**


	256. Book 15 Chapter 5: Sorry John

Chapter 5: Sorry John

Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 1.

Caliborn banged his fists angrily against his Caltop, a helmet computer in the shape of Lil Cal's head. He was sitting on some sort of red planet, and behind him stood Itchy and Doze, wearing their yellow and blue hats, respectively.

**HEY. YOU.**

**COMPUTER MAN. I NEED MORE HELP.**

**No. **

**COMPUTER MAN. ASSIST ME WITH MORE HOT TIPS.**

**No! **

**YES.**

**I'M HAVING TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING BLUE HAT.**

**This is a shameful exploitation of our arrangement. **

**We weren't supposed to talk anymore once you left Earth. **

**I DID NOT AGREE TO THOSE TERMS.**

**Every time we talk, you complain that I am being self indulgent. **

**But you always come back for more! It's like you can't get enough of me. **

**I think you might be obsessed. **

**GIVE ME MORE HOT TIPS ASSHOLE.**

**You only made that caltop so you could talk to me on the go, didn't you? **

**NO.**

**Please, don't lie. Who else would you use it to talk to in your solo session? GAMZEE? **

**I bet you haven't said one word to him through that device. You never even refer to him by his name. **

**THE CLOWN HAS BEEN AN ADEQUATE PEON. WHEN IT COMES TO DOING THINGS I DON'T WANT TO DO.**

**THERE IS NO REASON TO SPEAK TO HIM THROUGH MY FUN HELMET.**

**You should try to be better friends with him. **

**He basically ditched his best buddy for you. **

**WHO CARES?**

**He reveres you, and you treat him like shit. **

**YES.**

**SO.**

**So... **

**You're off to a pretty good start at being a god, I guess? **

**THANK YOU.**

**LOOK. I JUST SAID A POLITE THING.**

**NOW REWARD ME WITH WHAT I WANT.**

**Ugh. **

**YELLOW HAT IS VERY FAST.**

**AS A MINION HE HAS BEEN VERY USEFUL.**

**BUT I AM HAVING TROUBLE DETERMINING THE ABILITIES OF BLUE HAT.**

**Yellow hat and blue hat? **

**You should come up with better names for them than that. **

**LIKE WHAT.**

**Like, I don't know. **

**Maybe some cool mobster names? **

**MOBSTER NAMES.**

**WHY WOULD I GIVE THEM MOBSTER NAMES.**

**Because mobsters are cool. **

**THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE MOBSTERS.**

**THEY LOOK LIKE FUCKING LEPRECHAUNS.**

**Anyone can be a mobster though. Even cherubs and leprechauns. **

**Being a mobster isn't about what you look like, it's about what's inside you. **

**WOW. THAT IS SO PROFOUND.**

**NOW STOP STALLING AND GIVE ME TIPS.**

**Are these the only two you've unlocked so far? **

**YES.**

**I HAVE CONQUERED THE SECOND PLANET.**

**AND HAVE NOW TRAVELED TO THE THIRD.**

**BEFORE I CONQUER THIS ONE. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT BLUE HAT DOES.**

**He's pretty much doing what he does. **

**HE SEEMS TO BE STUCK.**

**IS HE BROKEN.**

**No. He's just slow. **

**WHAT.**

**That's his power. **

**Yellow hat is fast. **

**Blue hat is slow. **

**THAT'S A HORRIBLE POWER.**

**HOW IS THAT EVEN A POWER.**

**It just is. **

**ARGH.**

**I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO ACHIEVING MORE POWERFUL MINIONS.**

**NOT MORE MALINGERING FOOLS TO TAKE UP SPACE IN MY DARK CARNIVAL.**

**DO THEY GET BETTER THAN THIS.**

**That depends on what you mean by better. **

**OH MY GOD.**

**OK. WE'RE DONE.**

**BYE.**

End of Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 1.

Nannasprite and Jaspersprite floated away from the Prospitian battleship and onto the surface of LOMAX. Davesprite remained inside, floating next to the couch that John was sleeping on. Next to him on the couch was the ring he'd taken from Tavros. Next to the couch was a fridge.

**DAVESPRITE: wake up sleepy head **

**DAVESPRITE: wait why did i even say that **

**DAVESPRITE: stay asleep all you want like i give a fuck**

**DAVESPRITE: but you are kind of missing some important shit here**

**DAVESPRITE: we spent three faux relativistic years cruising through the metaphysical asscrack of nowhere**

**DAVESPRITE: and when we finally get here youre all tuckered out**

**DAVESPRITE: like yall didnt sleep enough on this boat already**

**DAVESPRITE: some of the sicknastiest shuteye anyone ever got i owe to this friggin boat**

**DAVESPRITE: dude this is a big deal everyones waiting for us out there**

**DAVESPRITE: i mean...**

**DAVESPRITE: probably**

**DAVESPRITE: i dont know where we are some green hilly place with all these stone henges sprinkled around**

**DAVESPRITE: did you know there could be a plurality of stone henges i didnt but guess fucking what**

**DAVESPRITE: henges APLENTY where this place is concerned**

**DAVESPRITE: hey wheres jade**

**DAVESPRITE: i guess she left already? **

**DAVESPRITE: maybe there was an emergency somewhere and her doggy senses led her there **

**DAVESPRITE: maybe someone fell down a well **

**DAVESPRITE: what do you think john do you think our teen parents fell down a well **

**DAVESPRITE: nah i sincerely doubt that any of them would be that pathetic **

**DAVESPRITE: whatever it was it must have been important enough for jade to ditch us like this **

**DAVESPRITE: either that or **

**DAVESPRITE: maybe she was that desperate to finally get away from me **

**DAVESPRITE: between you and me john **

**DAVESPRITE: i didnt really handle things with her as well as i could have **

**DAVESPRITE: oh well maybe real dave will treat her better **

**DAVESPRITE: or not i dont know **

**DAVESPRITE: i did her a favor cutting bird dave out of her life**

**DAVESPRITE: nobody really deserves bird dave as a boyfriend or a friend or anything its like getting one of the janky daves from the bargain bin at the dave depot **

**DAVESPRITE: or one of the marked down daves the day after national dave day **

**DAVESPRITE: its like somebody taxedermized your dave and expected you not to notice **

**DAVESPRITE: "feathers what feathers haha no that dave is totally normal and ok" **

**DAVESPRITE: you should just go back to being bros with real dave when you see him **

**DAVESPRITE: ill be fine ill just flap around and do my thing alone **

**DAVESPRITE: im completely alright with that at this point **

**DAVESPRITE: we had our ups and downs john but all in all it was cool to go on this road trip with you **

**DAVESPRITE: there were some times man **

**DAVESPRITE: the times **

**DAVESPRITE: im telling you they were unreal **

**DAVESPRITE: i bet you people would pay good money to see every second of the madcap stunts that were going down on this ship basically 24/7 **

**DAVESPRITE: if hulls could talk wow **

**DAVESPRITE: haha just joking it was seriously boring as hell **

**DAVESPRITE: but i mean it was still cool so yeah **

**DAVESPRITE: hey **

**DAVESPRITE: whats that ring anyway **

**DAVESPRITE: ive seen you with that ring before and i guess i was just like **

**DAVESPRITE: ok john has a magic ring for some reason **

**DAVESPRITE: no need to mention that or anything **

**DAVESPRITE: but where did you even get it **

**DAVESPRITE: you cant even hear me you got your snooze on so hard **

**DAVESPRITE: aint gonna wake you up to hassle you about no ring **

**DAVESPRITE: i probably should have said all this stuff when you were awake anyway **

**DAVESPRITE: like the stuff about friendship **

**DAVESPRITE: fuck it ill just leave another one of my patented magic notes taped to your shoe or your cowlick or something **

**DAVESPRITE: my magic notes rule ill miss leavin em taped on stuff**

**DAVESPRITE: i sure do talk to myself a lot dont i **

**DAVESPRITE: wow why have i never made this observation **

**DAVESPRITE: i probably needed to be a bird for exactly three years to finally have that epiphany **

**DAVESPRITE: i wonder if real dave ever had that epiphany **

**DAVESPRITE: probably not cause hes not a bird **

**DAVESPRITE: the bottom line is being a guy whos also a bird makes you think **

**DAVESPRITE: anyway im out**

He flew away from the battleship and towards the sky.

**DAVESPRITE: p.s. happy birthday john**

**DAVESPRITE: have some watermarks for the road**

He vaguely watermarked the sky with his douchey face.

Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 2.

Now Caliborn stood on an orange planet covered in large bodies of water. A shark jumped out of the water and landed back in. A dead turtle full of bullet holes lay on the ground nearby. Doze and Gamzee seemed to be attempting to communicate with each other. Clover and Lil Seb danced around together.

**I UNLOCKED MORE GNOMES.**

**I thought they were leprechauns. **

**I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ARE.**

**Ok. **

**I HAVE NOW CONQUERED FOUR PLANETS. AND HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF GNOMES UNDER MY COMMAND.**

**YELLOW HAT. BLUE HAT. RED HAT. AND NOW PURPLE HAT.**

**Congratulations. **

**THE PLANETS ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT TO CONQUER.**

**I ALMOST DID NOT MANAGE TO DESTROY THE PURPLE PLANET. WITHIN THE ALLOTTED TIME.**

**UNFORTUNATELY. THE QUALITY OF THE UNLOCKED GNOMES HAS NOT INCREASED TO MATCH THE ESCALATING DIFFICULTY OF MY QUEST.**

**IT SEEMS TO BE JUST THE OPPOSITE. THESE GNOMES ARE SHIT.**

**What's wrong with the new gnomes? **

**OK. RED HAT? HE HAS.**

***NO FUCKING POWERS AT ALL.***

**UNLESS HIS POWER IS TO FOLLOW ME AROUND CONSTANTLY.**

**Yes. That's basically what he does. **

**PURPLE HAT IS EVEN WORSE.**

**IS HIS POWER TO DANCE AROUND ALL THE TIME. WHILE SINGING RIDDLES TO ME?**

**Yes. **

**AWFUL.**

**PURPLE HAT'S BEHAVIOR IS SO INFURIATING. I HAVE ATTEMPTED TO MURDER HIM SEVERAL TIMES.**

**BUT TO NO AVAIL.**

**You can't kill purple hat. He's too lucky! **

**That's also his power. Being really lucky. **

**WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO ME?**

**I don't know. **

**Get him to solve puzzles for you? **

**Use him as a human shield sometimes? **

**I mean a gnome shield. **

**OH YEAH. THAT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA.**

**You shouldn't be whining about how lame your minions are. **

**As you accumulate more, your job is obviously to combine their talents in creative ways to overcome the increasingly difficult challenges on your quest. **

**Synergize your time gnomes. Make them more than the sum of their pointy hats. **

**THAT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.**

**THEY ARE ALL IDIOTS.**

**Nobody said it would be easy. **

**FINE.**

**I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS FOR NOW.**

**Hey. **

**Did you kill that cute turtle? **

**NO.**

**But I can see your past trail. **

**You're standing there holding a gun, and pointing it at the turtle. **

**OK. THEN YES.**

**I KILLED THE TURTLE.**

**Boooooooooo.**

End of Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 2.


	257. Book 15 Chapter 6: Full Circle

Chapter 6: Full Circle

Drool dripped from John's chin as he slept. Elsewhere in Paradox Space floated his dream projection at the precipice of a ghost ocean. He didn't notice the arm sticking out of the blue portal below him, that disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. The cracks in the universe had all but come full circle now, reaching back to where they had first begun and actually becoming a circle of cracks in the Furthest Ring.

A ghost ship sailed through a ghost ocean in the middle of nowhere.

**MEENAH: ey its the blue buoy again!**

**MEENAH: sea him there just off the starboard shit**

**MEENAH: yo watch how far away i can fork him from**

**ARANEA: Meenah, put the trident down.**

**ARANEA: Don't make me conchfishscate it again.**

**MEENAH: 38D**

**MEENAH: 38D**

**MEENAH: conchfishscate**

**MEENAH: 38D**

John turned and waved at the ship.

**VRISKA: Hey, it's John!**

**JOHN: vriska, is that you?**

**VRISKA: Yeah! Get over here!**

**JOHN: alright.**

**TAVROS: (oH,)**

**TAVROS: (gREAT,)**

Meenah floated down from the mast as John landed on the deck. Vriska stood in front to greet him, and behind her were Aranea and Tavros.

**VRISKA: Nice to see you again, John. It's 8een too long.**

**JOHN: yeah...**

**JOHN: actually hasn't it been exactly a year?**

**JOHN: i think it was my birthday last time we met too, heh.**

**VRISKA: A year for you, may8e. Who even knows how long it's 8een out here, 8ut who cares.**

**VRISKA: The point is, as you can see the plan I descri8ed to you 8efore is in full swing.**

**JOHN: you mean the big treasure hunt, with all those black maps?**

**VRISKA: Yes. 8ut they aren't 8lack anymore! Not totally.**

**VRISKA: Everything's gone exactly as I intended. English has taken the 88, hook line and sinker.**

**VRISKA: He's 8een chasing our "extended party" around the ring, 8lowing shit up with his monster 8reath, thus revealing the path to the treasure in the process.**

**VRISKA: I must say, for an evil mastermind, the guy is kind of a dope.**

**VRISKA: Supposedly his every move is a carefully calcul8ted ploy to assure his existence in the first place, yet here he is wrecking the joint like an oaf, unwittingly helping the hero find the weapon that will finally take him down.**

**VRISKA: And we're almost there, too! Although 8y now it's 8ecome em8arrassingly o8vious that the treasure was hidden right around where we started all along.**

**VRISKA: These maps have just 8een leading us all in a 8ig stupid circle!**

**VRISKA: I should have seen it coming. I guess that's my 8ad. In terms of 8onehead moves, that's English: 1, Vriska: 1, so I guess we're even. 8ut may8e we don't have to mention that detail when we document my heroism in the annals of gr8tness.**

**JOHN: uh... mention what, exactly?**

**VRISKA: Exactly!**

**VRISKA: Haha, I almost forgot how deceptively quick you are on the uptake, John.**

**TAVROS: (tHAT'S NOT SO IMPRESSIVE,)**

**TAVROS: (i WAS CONFUSED BY WHAT YOU WERE SAYING, tOO,)**

**VRISKA: Tavros, if you're going to interrupt, don't mum8le. And even then, don't.**

**VRISKA: Anyway, I really don't mind the fact that these cryptic treasure maps have led us all on a wild honk8ird chase.**

**VRISKA: I've never once complained a8out a good long treasure hunt, and I'm not a8out to start now.**

**VRISKA: 8esides, with the way spacetime works out here, who can say for sure we would 8e a8le to find the treasure at all unless we traced this exact path?**

**VRISKA: No8ody can say that, is who. Least of all English, who as far as I know, can't actually speak so much as issue 8lood curdling roars that cleave the found8tions of reality itself.**

**VRISKA: You're of course welcome to join us on our adventure, for as long as you're asleep.**

**VRISKA: We could use another hand on deck. I'll even give you a rank and title!**

**TAVROS: yOU GET TO BE LOWER THAN ME,**

**TAVROS: tHAT'S THE FAIREST RULE,**

**VRISKA: Wrong.**

**VRISKA: Tavros, who's the captain here?**

**VRISKA: Last time I checked, it wasn't Swa88y Nitram, Poopmaster Extraordinaire.**

**TAVROS: }:(**

**JOHN: by the way, hi tavros.**

**JOHN: how have you been?**

**TAVROS: oKAY, **

**JOHN: cool pirate outfit you have there.**

**TAVROS: nO, tHANKS, bUT IT'S NOT COOL, IT'S DUMB, **

**TAVROS: vRISKA WANTS ME TO WEAR IT THOUGH, sO i DO, sO SHE'LL BE HAPPY, **

**TAVROS: dON'T ASK ME WHERE MY PANTS ARE,,, **

**JOHN: i wasn't going to.**

**VRISKA: We all look amazing as pir8tes.**

**VRISKA: This is non-negotia8le.**

**JOHN: no argument here!**

**JOHN: what about the rest of your crew?**

**JOHN: i remember her, the punky one who always likes to stab me with her spear...**

**JOHN: but i really hope she doesn't do that this time.**

**MEENAH: (dream on blue nerd)**

**MEENAH: (you in my crosshairs sucka)**

**MEENAH: (gotch u right where i want)**

**MEENAH: (just biding my time)**

**MEENAH: (biding and biding)**

**MEENAH: (gonna hunt you til we both double dead)**

**MEENAH: (you are my obsession lil bluefish)**

**MEENAH: (my shrimpiest of whales)**

**MEENAH: (my mobiest of dicks)**

**MEENAH: (call me)**

**MEENAH: (fishmael)**

**MEENAH: 3B|**

**ARANEA: **_**(STOPIT!)**_

**JOHN: but i don't know the one who looks kind of like your sister.**

**JOHN: what is your name?**

**ARANEA: Aranea. ::::)**

**JOHN: hi.**

**JOHN: and what about those two over there?**

**VRISKA: These are my friends, Aradia and Sollux.**

**VRISKA: I have recruited them for this expedition as specialists.**

**VRISKA: They aren't really here to do any fighting. 8ut their a8ilities will 8ecome useful once we retrieve the treasure.**

**ARADIA: hello.**

**JOHN: hey. **

**JOHN: are you alive? **

**JOHN: your eyes do not look spooky and ghostly. **

**ARADIA: thanks!**

**ARADIA: yes im alive**

**VRISKA: Yeah, and apparently she intends to stay that way?**

**VRISKA: Hence her principled if somewhat lame commitment to pacifism.**

**VRISKA: 8ut considering our history together, I'm willing to let 8ygones 8e 8ygones. I'm happy to have her on my crew in whatever capacity she likes.**

**JOHN: your history? what happened? **

**JOHN: wait, that's a rude question. sorry. **

**TAVROS: (vRISKA KILLED HER TOO,)**

**TAVROS: (sHE USED THE OTHER GUY THERE, tRAGICALLY, aS THE DEATH WEAPON,)**

**VRISKA: Hey!**

**VRISKA: What did I say a8out 8ygones 8eing 8ygones? That's like rule fucking ONE of this ship.**

**VRISKA: Anyway, she 8ecame a ro8ot and killed me 8ack, so o8viously we're cool now.**

**JOHN: jeez, why does everyone always die so much? **

**SOLLUX: (l0l, like this guy's 0ne t0 talk.)**

**ARADIA: (sollux dont make our guest uncomfortable)**

**SOLLUX: (he's already unc0mf0rtable, and he sh0uld be. we all sh0uld be.)**

**ARADIA: really i havent thought about any of that in a long time**

**ARADIA: ancient conflicts dont mean anything to me anymore but i was more than thrilled by the opportunity to go on another adventure like this**

**ARADIA: we used to enjoy such campaigns together all the time when we were younger**

**ARADIA: of course now the teams are a little different :)**

**VRISKA: Yeah! Man, those were the days.**

**JOHN: what about you... why do you have double eye patches? **

**SOLLUX: uh, because i'm blind, stupid?**

**JOHN: i can't tell if you're alive too or not, because i can't see if your eyes are spooky. **

**SOLLUX: they're sp00ky as shit, but yes, i'm alive.**

**SOLLUX: 0k, here's the sh0rt versi0n. i used t0 be able t0 see, but then i went blind.**

**SOLLUX: then i used my p0wers t00 hard, and died. but it turned 0ut i was 0nly half dead.**

**JOHN: half dead? **

**SOLLUX: let me finish. s0 the gh0st half 0f me c0uld see again, s0 i was 0nly half blind.**

**SOLLUX: but then s0meb0dy pr0t0typed my c0rpse, which i guess sucked the gh0st half 0f me 0ut 0f my b0dy, t0 make me fully alive again? als0 fully blind.**

**SOLLUX: and n0w the gh0st part 0f my s0ul is sharing a sprite b0dy with FUCKING ERIDAN 0f all pe0ple.**

**JOHN: who's eridan? **

**SOLLUX: just the d0uche wh0 blinded me in the first place, it d0esn't even matter.**

**JOHN: um, alright. but i don't think i quite followed all of that. **

**JOHN: what does being half dead mean? **

**SOLLUX: y0u kn0w, f0rget it.**

**SOLLUX: i'm s0 sick 0f telling this st0ry t0 pe0ple 0ver and 0ver, and n0b0dy understanding what the hell i'm talking ab0ut.**

**SOLLUX: it's all s0 simple. n0, actually, it isn't, it's a fucking stupid st0ry that makes n0 sense, maybe that's the pr0blem.**

**SOLLUX: my marginal existence is fraught with s0 much p0intless duality and c0mplicated n0nsense, s0 i'm d0ne even trying t0 explain it.**

**SOLLUX: fr0m n0w 0n i sh0uld just wear a shirt that says d0n't ask me ab0ut my disability 0r my m0rtality. then everything w0uld be fine.**

**VRISKA: It's really kind of a shame Gamzee prototyped Eridan's torso parts and swiped his ghost from the afterlife.**

**VRISKA: I 8et he would have had a gr8 time on this voyage. I used to own him during our nautical campaigns all the time!**

**SOLLUX: if he was 0n this ship, i'd walk the plank and plummet thr0ugh the fake ass water thr0ugh infinite n0where f0rever.**

**SOLLUX: besides y0u act like y0u haven't already recruited at least fifty fucking eridans fr0m d00med timelines in y0ur army.**

**SOLLUX: y0u really are shamefully prejudiced against 0ur alternate reality gh0st selves, they're just as real as we are and have the same em0ti0ns and everything.**

**VRISKA: Gimme a 8r8k, Sollux. As if you don't view them the exact same way.**

**VRISKA: You've got real Eridan, and then pretty much a whole 8unch of pretenders out there.**

**SOLLUX: they're all real! SHIT, i d0n't even LIKE eridan, but here i am sticking up f0r his c0pies.**

**VRISKA: See? You just called them copies. Even you can't avoid accidentally using a pro8lematic slur which reveals that no matter what you 8elieve a8out your morals, deep down you're always gonna favor the original, while viewing all the others as duplic8tes of lesser value.**

**SOLLUX: 0h whatever. just WHATEVER, rati0nalize the "c0llateral damage" t0 y0ur army all y0u want.**

**SOLLUX: and t0 think, bef0re i j0ined y0ur party i heard rum0rs that y0u might have changed, like learned t0 be a better pers0n 0r s0mething, HEHEH, YEAH RIGHT!**

**VRISKA: Oh pleeeeeeeease. I hardly think I'm a 8ad person for failing to give a shit a8out a 8illion meaningless dead Nepetas, do you?!**

**SOLLUX: n0, y0u're n0t a bad pers0n f0r THAT PARTICULAR reas0n, i guess.**

**VRISKA: What am I seriously supposed to do? Fly around and 8efriend each one individually?**

**VRISKA: Sorry, I have 8etter things to do with my time. Let's try to 8e at least somewhat practical here.**

**ARADIA: ive met most of those nepetas theyre all very nice**

**VRISKA: Oh shut up.**

John looked out across the water.

**JOHN: and what about all those ships up ahead?**

**JOHN: are they part of the treasure hunt too?**

**VRISKA: Of course!**

**VRISKA: That's my army.**

**MEENAH: *COUG)(***

**VRISKA: Ok, I mean OUR army.**

**VRISKA: 8ut like, on 8oats.**

**JOHN: isn't an army on boats usually called a navy?**

**VRISKA: John, help me out. I seem to 8e having trou8le remem8ering which one of us is the captain.**

**VRISKA: Was it the dork in 8lue pajamas, or was it the veteran sailor in the rad captain's coat?**

**VRISKA: That's right, the captain was me! And I say it's an army that happens to 8e on a 8unch of 8oats.**

**TAVROS: (oHHHHHH, oHH DAMN,)**

**TAVROS: (hE GOT SMOKED! wOW, sO SMOKED,)**

**TAVROS: (mEENAH, dID YOU CATCH THOSE SICK FIRES,)**

**MEENAH: (no but for reel it pretty much is a navy)**

**MEENAH: (just sayin)**

**JOHN: who's in the army?**

**VRISKA: Thousands of ghosts. Primarily those of old friends and acquaintances.**

**VRISKA: We've amassed a coalition of eager volunteers ready to lay down their ghost lives for a worthy cause. **

**JOHN: you mean fighting lord english?**

**VRISKA: When we're ready for that, yes. 8ut we need the treasure first. **

**VRISKA: So for now they're sailing well ahead of us in large num8ers to attract his attention, so he can do more damage to the ring and fill out the rest of our maps. **

**VRISKA: We should 8e very gr8teful for their 8ravery. They are making a no8le sacrifice for us all. **

**TAVROS: (bRAVERY, yEAH, rIGHT,)**

**TAVROS: (i'M MOSTLY SURE SHE'S MIND CONTROLLING THEM,)**

**VRISKA: God DAMMIT, Tavros. **

**VRISKA: We really don't need your play 8y play commentary on everything! **

**JOHN: wait, you're mind controlling all those ghosts?**

**VRISKA: No! **

**VRISKA: Well, not all of them. **

**VRISKA: Once you group enough together, others tend to latch on to the mo8 out of curiosity. We trolls have a way of clustering together naturally. **

**VRISKA: You've got to understand, John. Most of these people are pretty self a8sor8ed. They just needed a little 8it of persuasion to join the cause. **

**MEENAH: word**

**JOHN: yeah, but...**

**JOHN: isn't that still kind of, um...**

**JOHN: dickish?**

**VRISKA: 8ut all these stu88orn jackasses are going to dou8le die anyway if we don't all work together and kill this guy! **

**VRISKA: This is WAR, John. In times of war, difficult decisions have to 8e made with the lives of many. **

**VRISKA: Just think of me as a general giving orders to my troops. It just happens that the orders are a little more direct in this case. **

**MEENAH: hey serket deuce**

**MEENAH: lets not lose track a whos actually in charge of this shit mkay**

**VRISKA: Yeah yeah. **

**VRISKA: All hail Her Imperious Teen Condescension, the fresh new face of tyranny, Supreme Admiral Peixes. **

**VRISKA: At this time I would like to motion for a fifteen minute 8owing 8r8k so that we may demonstr8te our reverence for this 8old, spunky leader. **

**MEENAH: yessssss**

**VRISKA: Tavros, stop 8owing. That was a joke. **

**MEENAH: no keep doin that**

**MEENAH: lower swabby**

**MEENAH: LOW-ER**

**MEENAH: face on the fuckin deck**

**MEENAH: yes just like that perfect**

**JOHN: how do you mind control so many ghosts at once?**

**JOHN: isn't that kind of hard?**

**VRISKA: Well, I do have a little help. **

**VRISKA: John, did I mention? **

**VRISKA: My ancestor... **

**VRISKA: She is THE 8EST. **

**JOHN: she is?**

**ARANEA: I must admit, I was not in favor of the idea at first. **

**ARANEA: 8ut Vriska made a very strong case for using our com8ined powers in this way. **

**ARANEA: In a perfect reality, no one would have to get hurt. 8ut the stakes are too high to 8e shying away from such measures. **

**VRISKA: See what I mean? **

**VRISKA: The 8est. **

**JOHN: uh.**

**ARANEA: It has 8een wonderful spending so much time on this adventure with my descendant. **

**ARANEA: Not just 8ecause it's helped me get to know her 8etter, 8ut 8ecause it's opened my eyes to things a8out myself I was never really in touch with. **

**ARANEA: There are certain capa8ilities within me I have never quite 8een a8le to face, and she's helped me realize I've 8een hiding from them all my life, and well 8eyond. **

**ARANEA: It must 8e true what they used to say on my world. That if you really want to know who you are, look to the legacy left 8ehind 8y your ancestor. **

**ARANEA: I think that wisdom works in 8oth directions! **

**VRISKA: Well put, Marquise. I've always felt the exact same way! **

**MEENAH: PUKE**

**MEENAH: oh my glub the serk twins bein adorbubble again**

**MEENAH: nitram get your mop ready for swabbin up all this vomit comin out ma mouth**

**TAVROS: eW, nO,**

**MEENAH: can you two stick a fork in the sentimental carp**

**MEENAH: maybe pretend you aint hit it off so good**

**MEENAH: you ever stop and think how this makes me feel**

**ARANEA: There's no reason to 8e jealous, Meenah. You know nothing has changed a8out our friendship. **

**MEENAH: jealous**

**MEENAH: bitch no**

**MEENAH: just makes me think about my kid descendant**

**MEENAH: an how instead of having this cool friendsy relation with her i just got this uncontrollable urge to stab her to death so she dont threaten my supremacy**

**MEENAH: which is a shame cuz she so cute 38(**

**MEENAH: cod damn my royal blood and the cray junk it makes me have to do**

**MEENAH: aw well**

**MEENAH: maybe some day ill find an heiress who my genes dont instinctively make me wanna murder on sight**

**MEENAH: then i can teach her the badass ways of being a boss n shit!**

**JOHN: (god, trolls are so weird.)**

**TAVROS: jOHN JUST SAID TROLLS ARE WEIRD,**

**TAVROS: hE SAID IT QUIETLY, bUT i HEARD HIM,**

**JOHN: hey! **

**JOHN: you snitch. **

**MEENAH: yeah but**

**MEENAH: arent we**

**TAVROS: uH,,,,,**

**MEENAH: moral of the story is blue kid is a dumb nerd but is right when he says stuff**

**MEENAH: look at that its like me and him are becoming fast fronds thus lulling him into a sense of false confidence already**

**JOHN: what? **

**MEENAH: (soon my lil whale...)**

**MEENAH: (soon...)**

**ARANEA: It is true. To a human, the ways of trolls from 8oth Alternia and 8eforus will seem very strange.**

**ARANEA: In fact, prior to uniting in the afterlife, even the two groups of trolls were reasona8ly alien to one another.**

**ARANEA: I've had a gr8 deal of time to study the cultures of many species throughout paradox space. No matter which race you 8elong to, one can always find another whose ideals pose a challenge of comprehension to even the most open minded.**

**ARANEA: And though the ethical standards of those from Alternia may seem unpalata8le to you, rest assured there are 8eings elsewhere in the cosmos whose violent 8ehavior would 8e considered extreme even to most trolls.**

**ARANEA: Actually John, I'm very glad you 8rought this up. **

**ARANEA: 8ecause I was in the middle of a wonderful story a8out this very su8ject, which you interrupted when you 8oarded our ship. **

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: sorry.**

**ARANEA: No, that's fine! **

**ARANEA: Really, I'm quite pleased that you did. **

**ARANEA: This way I get to start over from the 8eginning!**

Everyone groaned.

**ARANEA: There were some rough patches in my original telling which I can go 8ack and fix. **

**ARANEA: This time it will 8e much 8etter! **

**JOHN: ok.**

**JOHN: what's the story about?**

**ARANEA: It is a tale a8out a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s. **

**ARANEA: Let us 8egin. **

**ARANEA: Once upon a time...**


	258. Book 15 Chapter 7: Cherubs & Leprechauns

Chapter 7: Cherubs and Leprechauns

**ARANEA: There was a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s!**

**MEENAH: aranea i thought you said youd fix the shitty parts of the story**

**MEENAH: you started with that crappy line the first time too**

**ARANEA: The opening line is fine!**

**MEENAH: its aight i guess**

**MEENAH: knot**

**ARANEA: Oh shut up and let me tell my story.**

**ARANEA: Now where was I?**

**JOHN: there was a very mysterious alien race called cherubs.**

**ARANEA: Right.**

**ARANEA: There was a very mysterious alien race called cheru8s.**

**ARANEA: 8ut there was one cheru8 in particular who, for at least the first half of our story, will 8e our heroine.**

**ARANEA: She spent eons roaming her galaxy, completely alone. 8ut the time had come for her to find a m8. **

**This is no small task for a cheru8. 8eing an asocial species, they spend virtually no time in each other's presence at all. Aside from when it is time to m8, they may go their entire lives without encountering another. And so they scatter their num8ers throughout space, each staking a territory spanning many lightyears. **

**8ut like a predator is a8le to track the scent of its prey, a cheru8 can sense the presence of another near8y. This sense is especially strong if that cheru8 shares the same qualities its other half once had long ago, 8efore it experienced the matur8tion process known as predomin8tion.**

**You see, when a young cheru8 hatches, it would appear that only one creature has 8egun its life. 8ut the appearance is not to 8e trusted. The young cheru8 actually consists of two completely distinct 8eings, a male and a female each sharing one 8ody. The two halves are endowed with polar opposite predispositions as well. One predisposed toward malevolence, another toward 8enevolence. Good or evil, if you prefer to deal in simplistic terms, or at least those which are convenient for the sake of this story! I prefer to view the dichotomy as a kind of moral alignment, like an attri8ute that dict8tes the choices a character makes in certain types of games I used to play. The male and female halves can 8e aligned either way, as long as they differ from each other. The resulting conflict 8etween the two personalities is central to life as a cheru8, 8oth 8efore and after predomin8tion. **

**Shortly after hatching, the two halves 8egin vacill8ting, taking turns controlling the 8ody. The only physical differenti8tion 8etween the two is the color8tion of their cheek swirls, which indic8tes alignment. There is otherwise no way to tell male and female apart 8efore a cheru8 predomin8tes. The vacill8tion process is demarc8ted 8y sleep. When the male goes to sleep, the female wakes up. And when the male wakes up, again the female sleeps. And so it goes, 8ack and forth like this, as the two identities vie for dominance over the other, and ultim8tely, permanent control over the 8ody. They grow to detest one another, and develop a view of social interaction centered entirely around animosity and confront8tion. For good cheru8s, this readies them for a long life of isol8tion, as they will prefer to avoid the sort of conflict that comes with social interaction as they have 8een conditioned to understand it. 8ut for evil ones, the contentious up8ringing only serves to fuel their inclin8tion to harm others. **

**And though this duality makes for a tormented childhood, the inner conflict it cre8tes is an extremely important part of a young cheru8's life. The defining part, actually. It is the struggle a cheru8 must overcome to mature, and this process culmin8tes in predomin8tion.**

**One half will prove to have a stronger will than the other. The less dominant half will then weaken over time, and it will eventually 8ecome clear to 8oth that one will not survive. The dominant personality will then completely consume the other, integr8ting it in such a way that only one is left. The cheeks will 8ecome solidly colored, and the cheru8 will grow to maturity as a single 8eing, endowed with the alignment of the dominant half, and with all his or her personal qualities at the forefront of the union. **

**In the case of our heroine, she was the good half, and the day of her predomin8tion was in a sense the day her 8rother died. And though it was to her 8enefit and personal growth, 8ecause of this loss she would always live with a sense that something was missing. Every sexually mature cheru8 lives with this feeling. It drives them to seek out another cheru8 similar to the half they lost, the part of their 8eing which they grew up in perpetual conflict with. The desire to travel the universe in hopes of reigniting that conflict is very important to their species. It's the force which compels them to procre8.**

**So she set out to track his scent, as it were. And soon, she found a physical trail as well. A path of carnage left 8ehind 8y a particularly destructive male cheru8. She followed the de8ris from civilized worlds and star systems he left 8ehind, as if to mock her, to make it clear he knew of her pursuit and was all 8ut paving her way with the dead. His 8rutality made her more furious, thus setting the mood, so to speak, for their imminent courtship.**

Mierfa Durgas and Nektan Whelan were at the front of the congregation of trolls, staring up at the sky as the cherub approached. A few moments later, they were incinerated.

**A cheru8 of his alignment is seemingly motiv8ted 8y little other than to conquer and destroy. From a 8ioexistential perspective, they 8ehave somewhat like viruses attacking the system from within. 8ut as with all sym8iotic organisms living within a universe, there are 8alancing factors. While those inha8iting an evil cheru8's territory will regard it as an unpredicta8le tyrant, those in the territory of a good cheru8 will likely come to view it as a protector, waiting quietly for millenia in deep space, ready to attack any encroaching threat. In that sense, they are not unlike cells in a universal immune system.**

**This 8alance of forces allows sta8ility, such that life and new civiliz8tions can 8lossom and thrive within a universe, thus assuring the possi8ility of its own ela8orate procre8tion process. 8ut if that 8alance was ever distur8ed, it would lead to chaos in that 8iosystem. The universe could not survive for long. And if 8y some means a cheru8 with such destructive tendencies were to achieve unprecedented power, the resulting im8alance would 8e catastrophic for paradox space itself. And though the heroine of our story could have no way of knowing, this is exactly what would result from the pursuit of her kismesis.**

**Like humans, cheru8s perceive romance through only one quadrant. Unlike humans, their rel8tionships are exclusively 8lack. 8ut their m8ting ritual is much more violent than any practice trolls would, or even physically **_**could**_ **engage in. And though it is critical to the perpetu8tion of their race, the confront8tions can sometimes 8e lethal to one or 8oth cheru8s. Regardless of the outcome, the stakes are always high. The winner of the duel will assume control of the other's territory, while the loser will slink away to 8ear the offspring. So as she toured the planetary wreckage, she knew her quest for a m8 was not just a8out the propag8tion of her species, 8ut the li8er8tion of 8illions from a monster. **

**She pursued him for many sweeps with mounting o8session, until one day the trail came to an end at a 8lack hole. Cheru8s typically seek out 8lack holes as the setting for their m8ting ritual. 8ut not any 8lack hole. Once long ago it was a star, and circling that star was a planet. That planet was home to one of the presently sparring cheru8s. The male in this case returned to the site of his hatching to m8, a loc8tion now conspicuously occupied 8y a truly massive 8lack hole. **

**This was where she found him. And this was where they would duel.**

**While an adult cheru8 is a fearsome creature, and would 8e a formida8le opponent to anyone in its unaltered st8, this is not the form in which they do 8attle with each other. The ritual is more extreme and physically demanding than any other kind of courtship or duel in the universe. The moment they meet, they will 8oth undergo a dramatic metamorphosis.**

**The m8tes will then duel as two vast frightening serpents, each an astronomical unit in length.**

**The tangled struggle 8etween the green aus is exceedingly 8rutal and can last for sweeps. While dueling in such a monstrous form, their energy is inexhausti8le. The transform8tion taps into the cheru8s' latent connection with the enigmatic forces presiding over all that is eternal, and perme8ting all those endowed with immortality. Normally this power is only accessi8le to them during m8ting. In this form, they are only a8le to 8e injured 8y one another, and are otherwise indestructi8le. Hence the ritual can never 8e stopped 8y an outside force until it is complete.**

**It should come as no surprise that in this story our heroine was victorious. Upon defeating her m8 she initi8ted the interlocking form8tion to complete the coupling, while assuming the dominant position, a stance undetecta8le to all 8ut the most astute o8servers of the zoologically du8ious. Consequently, the male was fertilized with the young.**

**He then slithered away in disgrace from the territory he'd just lost. A cheru8 looking to nest will search for a dead planet situ8ted near a massive dying star. The egg is deposited on the planet's surface, and the rising temperature from the expanding red giant will incu88 the egg until it is ready to hatch. Later in life, the cheru8 will grow wings, assuming it has matured properly. And if it has learned to fly well enough to reach a safe distance from the nest 8efore the star goes supernova, soon the hungry cheru8 will return and feast on the resulting stellar energy. Doing so allows it to gain enough strength to travel gr8 distances, and claim its own territory. The star will then collapse into a 8lack hole, serving as a distinct gravit8tional 8eacon to the cheru8 l8ter in life, so it may return there to m8.**

**As it happens, our heroine's m8 discovered Earth, long after it had journeyed to a new sun, and long since new civiliz8tions had risen and fallen. Now on the 8rink of destruction from its dying star, its 8arren accommod8tions were ideal for a young cheru8. There he deposited his single egg and flew away, never to return. No cheru8 ever spawns more than one offspring at a time, for it is every cheru8's destiny to grow up alone. Or alone on the outside, at least.**

**From that egg hatched one very special cheru8 with two names - one that few will ever know, and one that few should ever say. A fascin8ting thing a8out cheru8 reproduction is how the parent's alignment is passed on to the young. If the male lays the egg, the alignments of the child's two halves will 8e the same as the parents. If the female lays the egg, the alignments will 8e flipped, and the young male and female halves will 8e endowed with opposite alignments of the parents. As such, the male half took after his father. Perhaps the son even exceeded him in violent tendencies. It is hard to imagine there has ever 8een a cheru8 more willfully destructive or as stu88ornly dedic8ted to conquest than the monstrosity he would grow up to 8ecome.**

**Due to his indomita8le nature, I 8elieve victory over his sister was a foregone conclusion. 8arring a highly impro8a8le glitch in causality, it would 8e almost impossi8le for her to predomin8te over someone like him. And even so, he didn't have the patience to w8. Unfortun8tely for everyone to ever exist, he discovered a way to predomin8te early. Yet it was not this act alone that would prove ominous, so much as the means through which it was achieved. He was allowed to 8ecome the solo player of a game which his kind was never meant to play. **

Gamzee peeked over the edge of the crater where the cherub had laid his egg.

**And so, it is with the predomin8tion of her son that our heroine's story ends, and the story of our villain 8egins.**

Meenah walked over to the stairs to go below deck.

**ARANEA: Hey!**

**ARANEA: Meenah, where are you going?**

**MEENAH: im takin a gaper break**

**MEENAH: god**

**ARANEA: 8ut the story isn't over yet!**

Nepeta and Feferi sat on the ground next to each other on the deck. A treasure chest appeared beside them and they stood up excitedly, opening it to find pirate accessories of all sorts.

**MEENAH: girl your stories never end my bladder cant even deal**

**MEENAH: just keep talking while im gone**

**ARANEA: No, that's ok. We can w8!**

**MEENAH: i already heard the damn story though!**

**ARANEA: Not all of it!**

**MEENAH: glubber fuck cant you just keep yappin about snake sex while i hit the lil grubs room already**

**ARANEA: I'm afraid not. Everyone must listen to the full story.**

**MEENAH: omfg **

**MEENAH: you really are turnin evil arent ya **

**MEENAH: i would be proud except of how terrible and boring the actual consequences are for me personally **

**JOHN: wait...**

**JOHN: does that mean when you're a ghost you still have to pee?**

**MEENAH: none a your business blue kid **

**JOHN: that's so weird.**

**JOHN: am i the only one who thinks that's weird?**

**VRISKA: No, John. It's definitely pretty weird that ghosts have to pee.**

**VRISKA: You get used to life as a ghost pretty fast, though.**

**JOHN: but weren't you already pretty used to peeing when you were alive?**

**VRISKA: Yeah. That's why you get used to it pretty fast, dummy!**

**JOHN: this is kind of a stupid conversation.**

**JOHN: can we hear more about the snakes and whatnot? it was a pretty cool story.**

**ARANEA: Yes! ::::D**

**ARANEA: As soon as Meenah returns from her visit to the load gaper.**

**MEENAH: HOLY MACK-ER-EL CAN YOU S)(ITFUCKS JUST -ENJOY YOUR SPAC-E LIZARD PORN W)(IL-E I TAK-E A FUCKING PISS?**

**ARANEA: I think we could all stand to take a 8rief intermission from the story regardless, to let all these intriguing facts a8out cheru8s sink in.**

**MEENAH: ugh **

**MEENAH: you and your intermissions **

**MEENAH: what is with your intermissions they aint even intermissions most of the time **

**MEENAH: they just an excuse to tell another dumb story inside a longer dumb story **

**ARANEA: Yes, Meenah. You are correct, and your reserv8tions are noted.**

**ARANEA: However, would it change your mind if I were to propose not an intermission, 8ut...**

**ARANEA: An **_**interfishin?**_

**MEENAH: ... **

**MEENAH: ... **

**ARANEA: ;;;;)**

**MEENAH: fine **

**MEENAH: lets do the interfishin thing you said **

**MEENAH: cuz of fish **

**MEENAH: brb u scrubs**

Begin interfishin.

Meenah vanished into the bathroom and began to pee. Sollux fell down the stairs. Suddenly, Tavros placed his foot on the treasure chest and strummed a guitar. Aranea took out a flute. Meenah took out a vibraphone. Aradia took out a set of chimes. Feferi took out a bass guitar. Nepeta took out maracas. They began playing the same song that had peeved Caliborn earlier. Elevator music. John looked around as they played.

When Meenah returned from the bathroom, they were still playing the elevator music.

**MEENAH: eye patch guy fell the fuck down**

**MEENAH: like captor like captor i guess**

**MEENAH: so uh**

**MEENAH: water we doin here…**

**MEENAH: i sea ****#kthxbai**

She went back down the stairs.

End of interfishin.

**ARANEA: Anyway, where was I?**

**JOHN: the heroine story ends and the villain story begins.**

**JOHN: i think...**

**ARANEA: Yes, that's right.**

**ARANEA: It is with the predomin8tion of her son that our heroine's story ends, and the story of our villain 8egins.**

**ARANEA: 8ut as we all know, 8eginnings are not always so easy to pinpoint in paradox space. **

**ARANEA: One could say his story 8egan the day he claimed immortality. Or the moment his 8eing was inexplica8ly confined to a juju, allowing him access to any realm in which his vessel would capriciously materialize. **

**ARANEA: 8ut for the sake of linearity, we may as well say his story 8egan the day he and his sister hatched.**

**ARANEA: When a cheru8 hatches, the two undeveloped personalities mingle together in the same 8ody. There is not yet a clear division 8etween the two. **

**ARANEA: It will then consume the egg shell for the vital nutrients it contains. The sugary snack is irresisti8le to the starving wiggler. **

**ARANEA: Once it finishes its first meal, the two personalities will 8e pulled apart for good, and the child will pup8. **

**ARANEA: The two halves then 8egin vacill8ting with their sleep cycles, as I descri8ed.**

Gamzee hugged Calliope without incident. Calliope hugged back happiloy.

**ARANEA: As you might expect, the female child was as cheerful and friendly as could 8e.**

**ARANEA: She took after her mother in every way. At least, the way her mother used to 8e, long 8efore she was hardened 8y centuries of isol8tion and o8sessive pursuit of justice.**

Caliborn, on the other hand, bit Gamzee on the shoulder when the clown tried to hug him. Gamzee screamed as purple blood ran down his fake god tier outfit.

**ARANEA: And to just as little surprise, the male child was an insuffera8le 8rat.**

**ARANEA: It is just as well that cheru8 parents a8andon their offspring. Raising such a child 8y the familial standards of any race would 8e a monumental challenge.**

**ARANEA: Nevertheless, it would seem there were those who tried.**

**ARANEA: Details in my research suggest our villain had a num8er of acolytes oper8ting in the shadows, preparing for his arrival. **

**ARANEA: We will pro8a8ly never know who these scurrilous conspir8tors were. 8ut it is evident that at some point the cheru8 was locked in a room, either out of exasper8tion, or for its own good, until it was old enough to enter the session.**

**ARANEA: The children were left with everything a young cheru8 could ever want. Meat, candy, computers, a lifetime supply of special stardust, and of course their precious jujus. **

**ARANEA: The acolytes had clearly gone to gr8 lengths to harvest such items from all over the cosmos, so they could lavish their young master with gifts. **

**ARANEA: They may have 8een prisoners, yes. 8ut if you ask me, these children were very spoiled.**

**ARANEA: While the female was preparing for a colla8or8tive approach to the game, the male was plotting furiously against her. He never had any intention of working with her. **

**ARANEA: As far as he was concerned, the game was his and his alone to conquer.**

**ARANEA: One day, he put his plan into motion. He had his sister's dream self assassin8ted on Prospit. **

**ARANEA: The next time she went to sleep, she would never wake up again. When her 8rother woke up, he 8ecame the sole occupant of the 8ody. **

**ARANEA: He then freed himself from his chains, and launched the session 8y himself.**

**ARANEA: 8ut this game was never meant to 8e played solo. **

**ARANEA: Its format is inherently cooper8tive. The diversity of players, the com8in8tion of their efforts and aspects, this is what awakens the true cre8tive potential of the game. Without them, a session will wither and die. **

**ARANEA: If one enters alone, it completely alters the nature of the game. It changes its purpose. **

**ARANEA: For a solo player, a challenging quest 8ecomes an insurmounta8le one. A reward of infinite promise 8ecomes a 8oon far more sinister. **

**ARANEA: The gauntlet which the player must overcome is seemingly designed to 8e impossi8le. For all intents and purposes, it is not actually a game at all. It is a death sentence for any player foolish enough to accept the challenge.**

**ARANEA: 8ut it 8ears repeating. **

**ARANEA: This was very special cheru8.**

**ARANEA: He entered what is called a dead session. **

**ARANEA: This qualifies as 8oth a null and void session, 8ut is even less than either of those. Compared to a typical session, it is almost unrecogniza8le. **

**ARANEA: 8efore the game 8egins, Skaia is 8lotted out with a dark layer of clouds. Its light is extinguished for good. **

**ARANEA: There is no planet w8ting for the player in the medium.**

**ARANEA: So instead, he 8rought it with him.**

**ARANEA: 8ut when he arrived, there was no heroic journey for him to em8ark on. **

**ARANEA: There was nothing. No sprite, no consorts, no underlings. **

**ARANEA: The land had no name. **

**ARANEA: Those things all needed to 8e unlocked. **

**ARANEA: To unlock his true quest, he was forced to undergo a series of excruci8tingly tedious trials. **

**ARANEA: Only then would the way to the planet's core 8e revealed. There, he would consult with the most monstrous denizen of all. **

**ARANEA: And while such trials might discourage most players from even trying, our villain's response was quite the contrary. **

**ARANEA: He was only em8oldened 8y the mind num8ing chores. He took to them with gusto, as if performing them out of spite.**

**ARANEA: With perseverance, he found the final door and unlocked it. **

**ARANEA: W8ting for him on the other side was a terri8le creature named Yalda8aoth. **

**ARANEA: His denizen would allow him a 8rief audience. One just long enough for him to make ****The Choice****.**

**ARANEA: No denizen has ever 8een mistaken for pleasant company. 8ut the self-proclaimed god of all monsters is notoriously inhospita8le to his players. **

**ARANEA: His choices are known for their wild extremes. **

**ARANEA: And to this player, in this session, he offered his most extreme choice of all. **

**ARANEA: It was the choice 8etween a path of conquest, and a path of sacrifice. **

**ARANEA: 8ut this is putting it lightly. **

**ARANEA: In a tongue only his player could understand, he descri8ed what the path of the martyr entailed. **

**ARANEA: In short, it involved nothing. **

**ARANEA: The player chooses to walk away from the tempt8tion of power. To surrender all am8ition, and to welcome death. **

**ARANEA: In exchange for this pledge comes a promise. The player's sacrifice is assured to 8enefit all who will ever live. **

**ARANEA: In death, the player would later 8e in the position to help 8ring an end to a force of unfathoma8le evil and destruction. **

**ARANEA: A force which was unleashed, for instance, 8y someone who once opted for the other choice. **

**ARANEA: Yalda8aoth then descri8ed what it meant to choose the path of the conqueror. **

**ARANEA: It was a path for a more active player, to 8e sure. The player's mettle as a conquering force would 8e tested directly, and repeatedly. **

**ARANEA: One 8y one, he would have to conquer and destroy a num8er of planets spawned for him in the session. Each would 8e more difficult than the last. **

**ARANEA: After destroying them all, his true land would 8ecome unlocked. **

**ARANEA: He would then return to face his denizen again, and defeat him in com8at. **

**ARANEA: If successful, his reward would 8e unprecedented. **

**ARANEA: He would receive the 8oon of unconditional immortality, where resurrection would not 8e linked with the just or heroic nature of death. **

**ARANEA: It is unclear how this 8oon would 8e awarded, since to my knowledge it is 8eyond even the a8ility of a denizen to allow this. **

**ARANEA: 8ut through whatever mechanism the 8oon is 8estowed, immortality is only the 8eginning. **

**ARANEA: The player is somehow also im8ued with a limitless supply of power. Enough to destroy anything he wanted, for as long as he wanted. **

**ARANEA: And knowing the villain of our story, anything he wanted would be everything. And as long as he wanted would be forever. **

**ARANEA: Yes, knowing our villain, the choice he would make is quite clear. **

**ARANEA: Knowing him, in fact, proves it could hardly 8e considered a choice at all.**

**ARANEA: It was at this point the real game would 8egin. **

**ARANEA: Skaia would undergo a dramatic transform8tion, 8ecoming even darker and heavier.**

**ARANEA: Soon it would 8ecome a very massive solid sphere. It would 8egin to gener8 heat within due to rising density. **

**ARANEA: The surface would 8egin to crack.**

**ARANEA: The resulting explosion is known as the First 8r8k. **

**ARANEA: From the primordial 8last would emerge fifteen planets for the player to conquer. **

**ARANEA: They would scatter and ricochet at high velocity 8efore settling into or8it in the medium. **

**ARANEA: The 8r8k is a very violent phenomenon though. Not all planets will necessarily clear the 8last 8efore the Skaian de8ris settles into its final st8.**

**ARANEA: The vast amount of resulting matter then collapses into a 8lack hole. **

**ARANEA: Its gravit8tional pull is tremendous. Any o8ject within range will 8e sucked in and destroyed. **

**ARANEA: Those planets which settle into or8it will 8e safe, for the time 8eing. **

**ARANEA: 8ut in the case of our villain's session, three of the planets did not make it and fell 8ack into the hole. **

**ARANEA: This was a very lucky 8r8k for him!**

**ARANEA: It meant that he would only have to conquer twelve planets instead. **

**ARANEA: This 8it of good fortune could very well have 8een the difference which allowed him to overcome a nearly impossi8le challenge. **

**ARANEA: His task was to destroy all of these planets in order, each within a time allowance that gets shorter with every planet. **

**ARANEA: To destroy a planet, first it must 8e conquered. **

**ARANEA: He would have to overcome all forces of resistance on the planet, and ultim8tely defeat whatever powerful underling ruled there. **

**ARANEA: Then, much like he did to unlock the quest in the first place, he would have to travel to the planet's core. **

**ARANEA: There he would retrieve a 8om8, and return to the surface. **

**ARANEA: If he did not accomplish this in time, the 8om8 would deton8 in the core, and the game would 8e lost automatically. **

**ARANEA: The 8om8 is not powerful enough to destroy the planet alone. **

**ARANEA: In fact, its purpose is not to damage the planet at all, 8ut to move it.**

**ARANEA: So he must 8ring it to a design8ted loc8tion on the surface. **

**ARANEA: When it explodes, the planet will 8e knocked out of or8it, and sucked into the hole. **

**ARANEA: Of course he must make sure he has moved on to the next planet 8efore this happens!**

**ARANEA: He repeats this process for each planet until they are all gone. **

**ARANEA: There is one caveat though. He must skip the eighth planet. **

**ARANEA: If he sinks that one 8efore any of the others, it will result in the destruction of the entire session. **

**ARANEA: Thus it must 8e the final planet he conquers.**

**ARANEA: Upon destroying the eighth planet, his true land will reveal itself. **

**ARANEA: The dead planet will come to life, and there he must prepare for 8attle with his denizen. **

**ARANEA: He may sharpen his com8at skills, craft new weaponry, anything he can do to improve his chances against a very powerful endgame foe. **

**ARANEA: Fortun8tely for him, he would not have to face the monster alone. **

**ARANEA: 8y then he will have accumul8ted a party of loyal minions.**

**ARANEA: With each planet he destroys, he will 8e awarded a new leprechaun follower. **

**ARANEA: Even if a planet was destroyed in the 8r8k, he will still 8e awarded that planet's leprechaun upon destroying the planet preceding it. Sort of like a two for one deal! **

**JOHN: wait.**

**JOHN: leprechauns?**

**ARANEA: Yes, John! **

**ARANEA: I'm delighted to see you have pounced on what is clearly the most interesting part of the story thus far. **

**ARANEA: Leprechauns are a fascin8ting mythical race, although there is some dispute among scholars as to whether they are actually a 8reed of gnome. **

**JOHN: ...**

**ARANEA: I can't say I 8lame you for 8eing speechless. There are no dou8t hundreds of questions swirling in your head at once a8out these wonderful creatures. **

**ARANEA: Where do I even 8egin? You must forgive me, I find it very difficult to resist going on at length a8out them. I just think they are so gr8. **

**ARANEA: For instance, I can and have given lectures for weeks at a time on their marvelous and widely varying magical a8ilities. **

**ARANEA: More intriguing yet would 8e any medium-to-longform harangue on the topic of their culture and customs, most of which revolve around luck. **

**ARANEA: 8ut most captiv8ting of all, and the su8ject upon which I will now assiduously expound, would 8e the positively scintill8ting su8ject of leprechaun romance.**

**ARANEA: The pro8lem is that when the su8ject of leprechaun romance is 8roached, our overly o8essive troll intellects instantly assume the most ingrati8ting posture of admir8tion imagina8le.**

**ARANEA: Which makes it hard! Hard to give it proper academic focus I mean, 8ecause of how gr8 it is.**

**ARANEA: 8ut we will do our 8est to understand regardless.**

**ARANEA: Trolls have only four forms of romance. And though we consider it a complic8ted su8ject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implic8tions for reproduction, it is ultim8tely a superficial slice of what leprechauns consider the full 8ody of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, quaternary concept. A concept usually denoted 8y four sym8ols.**

**ARANEA:** **3** **3 ** **o8 **

**ARANEA: Leprechaun romance is more complic8ted than that. Leprechaun romance needs nine sym8ols.**

**ARANEA: The nine quadrants of leprechaun romance are considera8ly more nuanced than our quaint notions of romance, and certainly more alien.**

**ARANEA: In fact, so conditioned is my own understanding of romance that I can't help 8ut refer to them as quadrants, when in fact they are not quadrants at all! They are referred to as charms.**

**ARANEA: One of the charms is characterized 8y romantic love, as understood 8y 8oth trolls and humans. 8ut after that, all 8ets are off. There is no division 8etween 8lack or red, concupiscent or conciliatory. Instead their charms comprise a spectral continuum of more su8tly varying types of relationships, most of which are esta8lished in mutual chicanery, such as the exchange of pranks, coy riddles, slapstick shenanigans, and games of chance. Furthermore, a pair of leprechauns is not limited to a single charm. A relationship may 8e defined 8y multiple charms at once! In fact, some of the most interesting relationships arise from exotic charm com8in8tions. A sta8le relationship consisting of three or more charms is called a trove. These advanced relationships are often viewed as the ideal end result for a romance, much the way certain pairing rituals are for humans.**

Heart! Moon! Star! Clover! Diamond! Horseshoe! Balloon! Rainbow! Pot'o'gold!

**ARANEA: No charm is specifically tied to procre8tion, though any type of relationship could 8egin waxing concupiscent if lady luck should so decide. Certain charm com8in8tions are known to 8e more conducive to fertility than others. If the leprechaun pair has 8een so 8lessed, they will 8egin an ela8orate coupling procedure culmin8ting in a lively m8ting jig. The jigs are specific to the charms of course, similar to how different kinds of music lend themselves to various styles of dance.**

**ARANEA: While their romance is endlessly captiv8ting, leprechaun reproduction may 8e the most interesting su8ject of all. Particularly from a perspective of detailed anatomical study, which I will get to shortly. 8ut first it 8ears pointing out that while for humans reproductive relationships are exclusively heterosexual, and for trolls they are 8isexual, for leprechauns they-**

**VRISKA: WOW, WHAT A STORY!**

**ARANEA: 8ut I wasn't fin-**

**VRISKA: WASN'T THAT STORY GR8 EVERYONE?**

**VRISKA: WOW!**

**ARANEA: Hmm. **

**ARANEA: You really liked it that much, Vriska? **

**VRISKA: Hell yeah! **

**VRISKA: Oh my god. That leprechaun stuff? Soooooooo good. **

**VRISKA: Right guys? **

**ARANEA: Wow. Well, I would 8e happy to continue then, if you- **

**VRISKA: Mindfang, have I told you how gr8 it's 8een to get to know each other, and team up on adventures and stuff? **

**VRISKA: I really feel like you've helped me get in touch with my ancestral roots. Mainly as a kickass storyteller. **

**VRISKA: It was like this whole part of my personality I was never aware of. Like the part that's compelled to just outright explain tons of really interesting things to people, while sparing no detail whatsoever. **

**VRISKA: It's made me feel a lot closer to understanding my aspect, as well as closer to you. So I just wanted to say, thanks! **

**ARANEA: Aw, you're welcome! **

**ARANEA: I feel the exact same way a8out my time with you. **

**ARANEA: You have really helped me get in touch with the true pir8 within. I saw in you the adventurous spirit I always wished I could 8e. **

**ARANEA: You helped me finally understand the virtue in rationalizing questiona8le decisions, and 8ehaving unscrupulously for the gr8ter good! **

**VRISKA: Haha, stop! You're going to make me start tearing up. **

**VRISKA: Get over here and give me a hug, alpha sister. **

**ARANEA: ::::)**

The Serket dancestors hugged. Over Aranea's shoulder, Vriska made choking motions at Meenah. Meenah made a wanking motion back. Over Aranea's shoulder, they high-fived each other. Aranea narrowed her eyes.


	259. Book 15 Chapter 8: Karkat Tantrum Bingo

Chapter 8: Karkat Tantrum Bingo

Terezi stared at Karkat with bloodshot eyes.

**KARKAT: WHO?**

**TEREZI: YOU KNOW...**

**TEREZI: VR1SK4S 4NC3STOR?**

**TEREZI: TH3 FR13NDLY ON3 WHO T3LLS LONG STOR13S**

**KARKAT: OH YEAH.**

**KARKAT: HER.**

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T KEEP ALL THESE GHOST NAMES STRAIGHT.**

**KARKAT: FLIPTUNA? MEOWLIN...**

**KARKAT: WASN'T THERE A CARLOS?**

**KARKAT: FUCK IT. THEY WERE ALL NAMED CARLOS AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.**

**KARKAT: WAIT. EXCEPT MEENAH. SHE WAS ALRIGHT. A LITTLE FORWARD, BUT...**

**KARKAT: WHATEVER, THIS ISN'T THE POINT.**

**KARKAT: ALL I REMEMBER ABOUT MY INTERACTIONS WITH THE SERKET GIRL WAS GETTING CORNERED INTO THESE LUDICROUS MONOLOGUES, THEN RACKING MY BRAIN FOR EXCUSES TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.**

**TEREZI: Y34H W3LL**

**TEREZI: 1 W4S 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 T4CTFUL TH4N YOU 4ND 4CTU4LLY L1ST3N3D**

**TEREZI: 4ND L3T H3R T4LK M3 1NTO SOM3TH1NG 1 SHOULDNT H4V3 :[**

**KARKAT: SO SHE WAS JUST LIKE**

**KARKAT: *POOF!***

**KARKAT: AND SUDDENLY YOUR EYES WERE BETTER?**

**TEREZI: Y3S**

**KARKAT: WHAT IS SHE, SOME SORT OF MAGIC FAIRY?**

**TEREZI: UM. Y3S?**

**TEREZI: TH4TS K1ND OF L1T3R4LLY WH4T SH3 1S**

**KARKAT: OH**

**KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I GUESS HER STORY CHECKS OUT THEN.**

**KARKAT: GOOD FOR HER.**

**KARKAT: BUT THIS DOESN'T SEEM LIKE YOU TEREZI. I MEAN, I DIDN'T THINK YOU EVEN WANTED YOUR EYESIGHT BACK?**

**KARKAT: I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE AS CHUFFED ABOUT HER OWN DISABILITY AS YOU. I WAS ALWAYS UNDER THE IMPRESSION YOU FELT LIKE IT WAS A BIG PART OF WHO YOU ARE?**

**TEREZI: 1T W4S!**

**TEREZI: TH3 MOM3NT SH3 H34L3D M3 1 KN3W 1 M4D3 4 T3RR1BL3 M1ST4K3**

**TEREZI: BUT 1 COULDNT T4K3 1T B4CK**

**TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT 1T**

**TEREZI: L1K3 JUST BL1ND1NG MYS3LF 4G41N 4ND PR3T3ND1NG 1T N3V3R H4PP3N3D**

**TEREZI: BUT**

**TEREZI: 3V3N TH3 W4Y 1T H4PP3N3D OR1G1N4LLY W4S SOM3TH1NG SP3C14L TO M3**

**TEREZI: 1 C4NT DUPL1C4T3 TH4T**

**TEREZI: 4ND 3V3N 1F 1 COULD 1T ST1LL WOULDNT B3 TH3 S4M3**

**TEREZI: 1 C4NT S33M TO FORG1V3 MYS3LF FOR B31NG SO STUP1D**

**TEREZI: FOR SOM3 R34SON 1 THOUGHT 1T W4S 4 GOOD 1D34 TO T4K3 TH3 ONLY COOL 4ND UN1QU3 TH1NG 4BOUT MYS3LF 4ND "F1X" 1T**

**TEREZI: WH4T W4S 1 TH1NK1NG?**

**KARKAT: WHOA WHOA**

**KARKAT: THE *ONLY* COOL THING ABOUT YOU?**

**KARKAT: TEREZI. I WANT TO BE UNDERSTANDING, BUT I CAN'T GET BEHIND SOME OF THE SHIT YOU'RE SAYING ABOUT YOURSELF HERE.**

**KARKAT: WHAT MADE YOU START UNRAVELING LIKE THIS?**

**TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1T W4S WH3N W3 ST4RT3D M33T1NG OUR 4NC3STORS**

**TEREZI: 4ND 1 THOUGHT TH3Y W3R3 4LL COOL3R 4ND OLD3R 4ND MOR3 1NT3R3ST1NG TH4N US**

**TEREZI: 3V3N THOUGH TH3Y PROB4BLY W3R3NT?**

**TEREZI: TH3Y H4D 4 LOT OF PROBL3MS 4ND 1NS3CUR1T13S TOO**

**TEREZI: BUT 1 GU3SS TH3 K1ND TH4T OLD3R K1DS H4V3, 4ND WH3N YOUR3 YOUNG3R YOU DONT R34LLY R3COGN1Z3 TH3M 4S PROBL3MS**

**TEREZI: YOU LOOK 4T THOS3 TH1NGS 4S JUST P4RT OF WH4T 1TS L1K3 B31NG SOM3ON3 WHOS MOR3 1NT3R3ST1NG 4ND GROWN UP TH4N YOU**

**TEREZI: M4YB3 S1NC3 1M NOT 4S YOUNG 4NYMOR3 1 GU3SS 1 C4N S33 TH4T NOW**

**TEREZI: BUT 1 W4S STUP1DLY 4W3STRUCK BY SOM3 P3OPL3 WHO W3R3 NOT SO 1MPR3SS1V3 1N R3TROSP3CT 4ND 1 M4D3 4 DUMB M1ST4K3**

**KARKAT: WAIT. WE MET ALL THOSE PEOPLE LIKE...**

**KARKAT: KIND OF A LONG TIME AGO?**

**KARKAT: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THIS FROM EVERYONE?**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW**

**TEREZI: 4 Y34R OR SOM3TH1NG?**

**TEREZI: 4ND 1 W4SNT H1D1NG 1T**

**TEREZI: 1 JUST D1DNT T3LL 4NYBODY**

**KARKAT: YEAH! THAT'S WHAT HIDING IT MEANS.**

**TEREZI: BUT**

**TEREZI: YOU USU4LLY C4NT S33 MY 3Y3S 4NYW4Y!**

**TEREZI: C4US3 OF MY GL4SS3S? DUH**

**KARKAT: I KNOW, BUT NOT TELLING ANYBODY THAT IS STILL BEING POINTLESSLY SECRETIVE!**

**KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE SAID, HEY KARKAT, I FUCKED UP AND NOW I CAN SEE AGAIN. MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS SO I DON'T GO INTO A TRAGIC DOWNWARD SPIRAL AND MAKE YOU WORRY ABOUT ME FOR NO REASON!**

**TEREZI: 1M SORRY!**

**TEREZI: 1 SHOULD H4V3**

**TEREZI: BUT 1 W4S SO 4SH4M3D**

**KARKAT: AND WHAT ABOUT THIS CLANDESTINE BLACKROM NONSENSE YOU'VE GOT GOING ON WITH GAMZEE?**

**TEREZI: WH4T?**

**KARKAT: HAVE YOU BEEN DATING HIM FOR JUST AS LONG?**

**KARKAT: WAS HE INVOLVED IN THAT DECISION?**

**KARKAT: LIKE, DID HE HELP TALK YOU INTO HEALING YOUR EYES OR SOMETHING?!**

**TEREZI: HOW D1D YOU KNOW W3 W3R3 D4T1NG!**

**TEREZI: D1D H3 T3LL YOU?**

**KARKAT: OH MY GOD. TEREZI, YOU ARE A FUCKING CATASTROPHE.**

**KARKAT: YOU USED TO BE LIKE, CUNNING? AND CONSIDERABLY MORE INTELLIGENT THAN ME, WHICH I HAVE NO PROBLEM ADMITTING.**

**KARKAT: BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS. EVEN IF I DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF, WHICH I *DID* BECAUSE IT WAS *OBVIOUS*, YOU ARE UP HERE ON THE ROOF LYING UNCONSCIOUS IN A PILE OF HONK HORNS AND FAYGO BOTTLES.**

**KARKAT: I AM NOT A MASTER OF DEDUCTION, BUT UNLESS YOU WERE RECENTLY STOMPED ON BY SOME SORT OF GOLEM COMPOSED OF GARBAGE FROM A CIRCUS, IT SEEMS FAIR TO SAY YOU ARE OFFICIALLY DOWN WITH THE CLOWN.**

**TEREZI: UUUGH**

**TEREZI: OK**

**TEREZI: Y3S**

**TEREZI: 1TS TRU3 :o[**

**KARKAT: WELL? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT.**

**TEREZI: 1 COULDNT G3T UP TH3 N3RV3 TO T3LL YOU 4BOUT TH4T 31TH3R**

**TEREZI: 1N 4 W4Y, 1M 3V3N MOR3 D1SGUST3D W1TH MYS3LF FOR D4T1NG TH4T 4SSHOL3 TH4N 1 4M FOR H34L1NG MY 3Y3S**

**KARKAT: THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT!**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW!**

**TEREZI: 1 C4NT BR1NG MYS3LF TO STOP S331NG H1M**

**TEREZI: 3V3RY T1M3 1 TH1NK 1 C4NT STOM4CH TH3 S1GHT OF H1S UGLY F4C3 FOR 4NOTH3R S3COND**

**TEREZI: H3 PULLS M3 B4CK 1N**

**TEREZI: H3 1S JUST**

**TEREZI: SO**

**TEREZI: **_**4444WFUL**_

Karkat, who was sitting backwards in a chair, leaned his chin on his hand and listened to Terezi's explanation.

**TEREZI: H3 4LW4YS KNOWS 3X4CTLY WH4T TO S4Y TO P1SS M3 OFF**

**TEREZI: 3V3RYTH1NG H3 DO3S**

**TEREZI: H1S F4K3 GOD T13R SU1T, H1S SMUG 3XPR3SS1ON, TH3 DUMB4SS W4YS H3 BUTCH3RS H1S S3NT3NC3S**

**TEREZI: S4Y1NG SH1T L1K3 '4LL G3TT1NG UP 4T H1S MOTH3R FUCK1N HONK ON', 444444RGH!**

**TEREZI: 1 H4T3 1T SO MUCH!**

**TEREZI: BUT 1 K33P COM1NG B4CK FOR MOR3**

**TEREZI: H3S L1K3 4 DRUG!**

**TEREZI: 3V3N MOR3 4DD1CT1V3 TH4N TH1S...**

**TEREZI: **_**R3VOLT1NG**_ **SOD4 1 C4NT STOP DR1NK1NG**

**TEREZI: 1V3 H4D SO MUCH F4YGO 1 C4NT 3V3N T4ST3 TH3 COLOR 4NYMOR3 :[**

**TEREZI: 1 JUST T4ST3 TH3 SUG4R 4ND TH3 BUBBL3S 4ND TH3 4WFUL FL4VOR 1T L34V3S B3H1ND, WH1CH JUST M4K3S M3 DR1NK MOR3 TO W4SH 1T 4W4Y**

**TEREZI: UNT1L 1 F33L SO N4STY 1 H4V3 TO T4K3 4 LONG SOD4 N4P, BUT 1 W4K3 UP LO4TH1NG MYS3LF 3V3N MOR3**

**TEREZI: SO 1 JUST R34CH FOR 4NOTH3R BOTTL3**

**TEREZI: 1T 1S TRULY...**

**TEREZI: TH3 W1CK3D 3L1X1R**

**TEREZI: *SOB***

**KARKAT: TEREZI...**

**TEREZI: 1 W4NT H1M TO B3 OUT OF MY L1F3**

**TEREZI: H3 1S TH3 WORST TH1NG TH4TS 3V3R H4PP3N3D TO M3**

**TEREZI: BUT**

**TEREZI: 1 GU3SS YOU C4NT H3LP WHO YOU H4T3**

**KARKAT: THIS IS KILLING ME, HEARING THIS.**

**KARKAT: I SERIOUSLY WANT TO WEEP ACTUAL PUKE OUT OF MY EYEBALLS FROM THIS STORY.**

**KARKAT: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?**

**KARKAT: I'VE GOT TO SAY, I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING. IF YOU TOLD ME SWEEPS AGO YOU AND HE...**

**KARKAT: I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. LIKE IF THE WRITING WAS ON THE WALL THERE, I SURE AS FUCK DIDN'T READ IT.**

**TEREZI: Y34H, 1T SNUCK UP ON M3**

**TEREZI: 1T D1DNT H3LP TH4T H3 T3RROR1Z3D US WH3N W3 W3R3 H1D1NG FROM J4CK**

**TEREZI: R1GHT UND3R MY NOS3 TOO**

**TEREZI: SOM3HOW 1 D1DNT PUT TH3 P13C3S TOG3TH3R 4T TH3 T1M3 4ND L3T H1M G3T 4W4Y W1TH MURD3R**

**TEREZI: 4ND GR4DU4LLY 1 ST4RT3D H4V1NG TH3S3 UNCONTROLL4BL3 THOUGHTS 4BOUT H1M**

**TEREZI: D4RK THOUGHTS**

**TEREZI: 4ND WH3N 1 WOULD C4TCH 4 WH1FF OF H1M 1N TH3 CORR1DORS, L1K3 H3 W4S T4UNT1NG M3, TH4T JUST F4NN3D TH3 FL4M3S**

**TEREZI: TH3N W3 ST4RT3D T4LK1NG SH1T W1TH 34CH OTH3R MOR3 4ND MOR3**

**TEREZI: 4ND H3 W4S SO MUCH N4ST13R TH4N H3 3V3R US3D TO B3! W4Y MOR3 TH4N 4NY OF OUR FR13NDS 3V3R W3R3**

**TEREZI: ON3 T1M3 H3 ST4RT3D MOCK1NG MY BL1NDN3SS**

**TEREZI: WH1CH N3V3R BOTH3R3D M3 WH3N 4NYON3 3LS3 D1D 1T**

**TEREZI: BUT SOM3HOW, TH3 STUFF H3 S41D...**

**TEREZI: 1 L3T 1T G3T UND3R MY SK1N**

**TEREZI: 4ND COMB1N3D W1TH M33T1NG 4 LOT OF N3W P3OPL3 1 F3LT L1K3 1 COULDNT L1V3 UP TO**

**TEREZI: TH4TS WH3N 1 ST4RT3D R3CONS1D3R1NG 4R4N34S OFF3R**

**KARKAT: I KNEW IT!**

**KARKAT: I KNEW HE MUST HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT DECISION. THAT SLIMY BASTARD.**

**KARKAT: THIS IS MOSTLY MY FAULT. I WASN'T VIGILANT ENOUGH WITH HIM, AND I LET OUR MOIRALLEGIANCE BREAK DOWN.**

**KARKAT: IF I KEPT A CLOSER EYE ON HIM, MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE LURED YOU INTO HIS SPINNING TENT OF SHIT.**

**TEREZI: NO, YOU SHOULDNT F33L L1K3...**

**KARKAT: OR MAYBE IT'S KANAYA'S FAULT? SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN A REALLY GOOD AUSPISTICE. MAYBE SHE COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS, IF SHE WASN'T SO PREOCCUPIED HERSELF.**

**KARKAT: NO WAIT! IT'S ACTUALLY MY FAULT AGAIN! IF I HAD BEEN ON THE BALL AND AUSPISTICIZED BETWEEN HER AND ROSE, SHE WOULD HAVE HAD THE TIME TO AUSPISTICIZE BETWEEN YOU AND GAMZEE!**

**KARKAT: DAMMIT, I ALWAYS SAY I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ROMANCE, YET I ROUTINELY UNDERESTIMATE ITS COMPLEXITY, SO I ONLY FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO AFTER IT'S WAY TOO LATE!**

**KARKAT: GOD I'M SO STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID**

**TEREZI: BL4RG SHUT UP!**

**TEREZI: 1TS NO ON3S F4ULT BUT M1N3!**

**TEREZI: 1M TH3 ON3 WHO H4S TO D34L W1TH 1T**

**KARKAT: YEAH OK.**

**KARKAT: FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, HE'LL PROBABLY JUST BREAK IT OFF AND LEAVE YOU ONCE WE GET TO THE NEW SESSION.**

**KARKAT: ALL HIS LOYALTIES AND PRIORITIES ARE TOTALLY WARPED NOW. I'M NOT SURE WHAT HE REALLY CARES ABOUT ANYMORE, BUT IT SURE ISN'T ANY OF US.**

**TEREZI: YOU TH1NK**

**TEREZI: H3 W1LL L34V3 M3?**

**KARKAT: YEAH. I DO.**

**TEREZI: *SOB!***

**KARKAT: WHOA, WHAT?**

**KARKAT: ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT?**

**TEREZI: NO!**

**TEREZI: 1D B3 D3V4ST4T3D 1F H3 JUST**

**TEREZI: SUDD3NLY D1TCH3D M3 L1K3 TH4T**

**KARKAT: OK, HELP ME OUT!**

**KARKAT: YOU'RE CONFUSING ME HERE.**

**TEREZI: 1D F33L P4TH3T1C!**

**TEREZI: 4ND 1 GU3SS**

**TEREZI: 4 S1CK 4ND T3RR1BL3 P4RT OF M3 DO3SNT W4NT H1M TO GO**

**TEREZI: BUT 1F H3 DO3S 1 W4NT 1T TO B3 B3C4US3 1 T3LL H1M 1TS OV3R!**

**KARKAT: WOW.**

**KARKAT: ALRIGHT, I GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY.**

**KARKAT: I'M JUST TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE HERE.**

**KARKAT: BUT I'M NOT ALWAYS SURE WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO SAY IS!**

**KARKAT: I'M DOING MY FUCKING BEST. THIS IS COMPLICATED FOR ME TOO, YOU'RE BOTH MY FRIENDS.**

**TEREZI: 1 KNOW**

**TEREZI: 1 4PPR3C14T3 YOUR 1NT3NT1ONS K4RK4T**

**TEREZI: M4YB3**

**TEREZI: M4YB3 1T WOULD B3 B3TT3R 1F YOU W3R3NT S1TT1NG UP TH3R3 1N TH4T B4CKW4RDS CH41R WH1L3 YOU T4LK3D TO M3?**

**KARKAT: WHAT?**

**KARKAT: WHY?**

**DAVE: yeah dude you should probably ditch the chair**

**KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY CHAIR.**

**DAVE: or at least sit on it frontways**

**DAVE: or offer her another chair?**

**DAVE: i dunno its kind of a dumb affectation in this context**

**KARKAT: NO, LOOK. IT'S CASUAL AND RELAXED.**

**KARKAT: LIKE, IT VISUALLY CONVEYS THAT MY PRESENCE IN THE CONVERSATION IS HUMBLE AND NONTHREATENING, YET FRANK AND ATTENTIVE.**

**KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?**

**DAVE: to sit on the goddamn floor**

**KARKAT: WHY SHOULD I SQUAT ON THE DIRTY FLOOR, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE!**

**DAVE: so you can be on the same vertical plane with your friend while you exhibit compassion for her grody clown problem**

**TEREZI: D4V3 1TS F1N3**

**TEREZI: N3V3R M1ND 4BOUT TH3 CH41R, 1 DONT C4R3**

**TEREZI: 1T JUST STRUCK M3 4S 4 B1T D1STR4CT1NGLY S1LLY, TH4TS 4LL**

**KARKAT: OK, WOW, FINE!**

**KARKAT: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!**

**KARKAT: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF CREATURE COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!**

**DAVE: karkat just threw a tantrum about a chair**

**DAVE: i just won karkat tantrum bingo**

Karkat stood up and pushed the chair away.

**KARKAT: AT LAST!**

**KARKAT: WE ARE FREE FROM THE ACCURSED INSTRUMENT OF ASS ELEVATION!**

**DAVE: where did you even get that chair**

**DAVE: did you steal it from the common area**

**KARKAT: UNLIKE EVERYONE ELSE EVER, I HAPPEN TO MAKE A PRACTICE OF CAPTCHALOGUING ITEMS WHICH MIGHT BE CONVENIENT ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS.**

**KARKAT: SAY I'M STROLLING AROUND AND FIND MYSELF IN NEED OF A PLACE TO SIT? BAM. SUDDENLY, A CHAIR.**

**KARKAT: AND NO I DIDN'T STEAL IT.**

**KARKAT: HOW COULD I STEAL SOMETHING FROM THE COMMON AREA? NOBODY ACTUALLY OWNS ANY OF THAT FUCKING FURNITURE.**

**KARKAT: THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED THE *COMMON* AREA, YOU ACCUSATORY PIECE OF FILTH.**

**DAVE: sounds like communism**

**DAVE: are you a communist or something**

**DAVE: actually that makes perfect sense what with your sickle and all**

**KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?**

**DAVE: wait john has a hammer oh shit its all adding up**

**DAVE: when we arrive are you going to team up with john and seize the means of production**

**KARKAT: YOU APPEAR TO BE JUMPSTARTING A FACETIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT SOME SORT OF HUMAN ECONOMIC IDEOLOGICAL FRAMEWORK, WITHOUT HAVING THE SLIGHTEST CLUE THAT YOUR VEHICLE IS PARKED SQUARELY IN THE NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ZONE.**

**DAVE: im just saying**

**DAVE: first chairs what next**

**DAVE: see i am all about private property and pocketing dough**

**DAVE: do you have any idea how rich i am**

**DAVE: i am a man of MEANS motherfucker**

**KARKAT: WHAT IS YOUR POINT?**

**DAVE: just dont come after my boonies dude**

**DAVE: or should i say karkat marx**

**KARKAT: YOU AREN'T BEING SERIOUS NOW!**

**KARKAT: THESE ARE NOT THE WORDS OF A SERIOUS PERSON.**

**KARKAT: I WAS HAVING A *SERIOUS DISCUSSION* LIKE A *BIG TIME ADULT* WITH MY GOOD FRIEND TEREZI.**

**KARKAT: YOUR CALLOUS AND NONSENSICAL REMARKS ARE DERAILING US FROM THE DELICATE SUBJECT AT HAND.**

**KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU BE USEFUL AND SAY SOMETHING REASSURING TO OUR SAD MUTUAL BUDDY, YOU WAILING JET ENGINE OF INFANTILE STULTILOQUENCE?**

**DAVE: i dont have much to say about this**

**DAVE: ive kinda got to recuse myself on the matter**

**DAVE: im all kinds of on record as being squicked out by the idea of hatelationships**

**DAVE: so i got no point of reference for gauging when one is fucked up the way thats normal for trolls or if its fucked up cause its actually fucked up and terrible**

**DAVE: this is like some ex alien boyfriend prime directive shit**

**DAVE: i cant intervene cause i dont know what im talking about**

**DAVE: but you do so i guess keep going**

**DAVE: you were saying some pretty good stuff before i started riding your jock about chairs**

**KARKAT: AUGH.**

**KARKAT: TEREZI, DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH?**

**KARKAT: ACTUALLY, I GUESS YOU CAN! YOU CAN NOW LITERALLY SEE WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH, AND EXPERIENCE ALL DUE EMPATHY FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE A DOUCHE AS A BEST FRIEND!**

**TEREZI: Y3S, 1 C4N S33**

**TEREZI: TH3 V13W FROM H3R3 1S**

**TEREZI: DOUCH3T4CUL4R :]**

**DAVE: thank you**

**KARKAT: SO THAT'S IT THEN**

**KARKAT: NO ADVICE AT ALL, SMARTALEC?**

**KARKAT: WHY DID I EVEN BRING YOU HERE FOR THIS INTERMISSION THEN.**

**DAVE: intermission?**

**KARKAT: INTERVENTION I MEAN. SORRY, I MISSPOKE.**

**DAVE: its not an intervention either**

**DAVE: my ghostly heads all beamin out of this crab for moral support yo**

**DAVE: i am in my homies corner even if he is a massive socialist**

**DAVE: terezi i think can probably figure this out**

**DAVE: she grew up alone and blind in a forest i think she will manage to bounce outta her juggalo phase**

**DAVE: but yeah terezi you should at least quit the fuckin soda**

**TEREZI: Y34H**

**TEREZI: OK**

**KARKAT: OK?**

**TEREZI: Y3S!**

**TEREZI: 1LL STOP**

**KARKAT: WHAT. JUST LIKE THAT?!**

**TEREZI: SUR3**

**TEREZI: 1TS R34LLY GROSS X[**

**KARKAT: I THINK WE ARE MISSING THE POINT HERE.**

**KARKAT: THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH A FOUL SOFT DRINK.**

**KARKAT: IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.**

**KARKAT: YOU ARE BARELY FUNCTIONAL RIGHT NOW. YOU CAN'T EVEN PICK YOURSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR AND PUT ON A PAIR OF PANTS.**

**KARKAT: REMEMBER PANTS TEREZI? YOU USED TO LOVE PANTS!**

**TEREZI: Y34H, P4NTS 4R3 PR3TTY GR34T **

**KARKAT: YOU USED TO...**

**KARKAT: YOU USED TO BE A LOT OF THINGS. AND ALL OF THOSE WERE GOOD THINGS.**

**KARKAT: BUT NOW THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO ARRIVE, RIGHT WHEN WE NEED YOU THE MOST, YOU DO A SENSATIONAL BELLYFLOP INTO A CIRCUS VAT OF YOUR OWN TANGY SLOBBER.**

**TEREZI: OH PL34S3 **

**TEREZI: WH4T COULD YOU POSS1BLY N33D M3 FOR? **

**KARKAT: YOU'RE AN IMPORTANT MEMBER OF THIS PARTY!**

**KARKAT: WE'LL NEED YOU TO HELP STAND UP TO JACK, AND WHATEVER ELSE IS WAITING FOR US THERE.**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1 W1LL B3 V3RY US3FUL **

**KARKAT: WELL, NOT LIKE THIS YOU WON'T. YOU'VE GOT TO GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER.**

**TEREZI: NO! 1 M34N **

**TEREZI: 3V3N TH3N 1 WONT B3 **

**TEREZI: 1 DONT H4V3 MUCH TO OFF3R 3V3N ON MY B3ST D4Y **

**KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT YOUR MIND POWERS THOUGH!**

**KARKAT: WHAT IF WE NEED SOMEBODY WITH MIND POWERS? TO DO SOME SORT OF...**

**KARKAT: MINDY THING.**

**TEREZI: WH4T M1ND POW3RS? **

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW. THE ONES WHERE YOU...**

**KARKAT: FLIP A COIN. AND...**

**KARKAT: SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS.**

**KARKAT: OK, I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW IT WORKS. BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT?**

**TEREZI: PFFF **

**TEREZI: 1 N3V3R D3V3LOP3D THOS3 POW3RS V3RY W3LL **

**TEREZI: 4ND 1TS B33N 4 LONG T1M3 S1NC3 1 3V3N THOUGHT 4BOUT TH3M **

**TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK TH3YR3 V3RY V4LU4BL3 HON3STLY **

**TEREZI: 1N F4CT 4LL TH3Y 3V3R S33M3D TO DO W4S TR1CK M3 1NTO F33L1NG L1K3 1 KN3W WH4T 1 W4S DO1NG **

**TEREZI: TH3Y 4CTU4LLY M4D3 M3 B3L13V3 1 W4S 1N CONTROL OF OTH3R P3OPL3S F4T3S **

**TEREZI: NOT 3V3N TO SP34K OF MY OWN **

**TEREZI: 1T W4S 4 R34LLY D4NG3ROUS K1ND OF D3LUS1ON **

**TEREZI: 4ND NOW 1T F33LS L1K3 TH3 ONLY "H3RO1C" TH1NG 1 3V3R D1D W1TH THOS3 POW3RS **

**TEREZI: W4S US3 TH3M TO JUST1FY K1LL1NG MY FR13ND **

**KARKAT: HUH?**

**TEREZI: ... **

**KARKAT: OH.**

**KARKAT: RIGHT.**

**TEREZI: 4ND WH4TS WORS3 1S **

**TEREZI: TO TH1S D4Y, 1M ST1LL NOT 3V3N TOT4LLY SUR3 1F 1T W4S N3C3SS4RY **

**TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1V3 LOST TH3 4B1L1TY TO T3LL 1F 1M B31NG PUN1SH3D FOR WH4T 1 D1D, OR 1F 1 4M PUN1SH1NG MYS3LF **

**KARKAT: WELL, YEAH. OF COURSE IT WAS NECESSARY.**

**KARKAT: EVEN IF IT WASN'T THE MORALLY RIGHT CHOICE OR WHATEVER, IT WAS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING THAT HAD TO HAPPEN.**

**KARKAT: THAT'S THE CRUEL THING ABOUT PARADOX SPACE. IT SYSTEMICALLY VALIDATES ALL YOUR MISTAKES AS NECESSARY OUTCOMES.**

**KARKAT: NOT EVEN NECESSARY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD OR PERSONAL GROWTH. IT'S ALWAYS BIGGER THAN YOU. LIKE YOUR ERRORS IN JUDGMENT ARE INSEPARABLE FROM THE WAY REALITY HAS TO UNFOLD.**

**KARKAT: SO IT NEVER LETS YOU FORGET ABOUT THEM. BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL CRITICAL TO THE BIG PICTURE, AND ALL YOUR PAST FLAWS ARE LIKE... **

**KARKAT: SCARS.**

**KARKAT: SCARS IN SPACETIME THAT NEVER HEAL, AND ALWAYS SERVE TO REMIND YOU THAT THE PERFECT VERSION OF YOURSELF YOU WISH YOU COULD BE CAN NEVER EXIST. BECAUSE THE SURVIVAL OF EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT DEPENDS ON HIM NOT EXISTING.**

**TEREZI: 1 KNOW 4LL TH4T **

**TEREZI: 1T DO3SNT STOP M3 FROM WOND3R1NG **

**KARKAT: IT'S SIMPLE. IF YOU HADN'T KILLED HER, YOU WOULD HAVE WITHERED AWAY IN A DOOMED TIMELINE.**

**TEREZI: Y34H! 4ND SOM3T1M3S 1 W1SH 1 H4D! **

**TEREZI: 4T TH1S PO1NT 1 TH1NK 1 WOULD R4TH3R B3 TH3 B3TT3R P3RSON WHO M4D3 TH3 R1GHT D3C1S1ON **

**TEREZI: 3V3N 1F 1T 4LSO M34NT B31NG TH3 ON3 TO F4D3 4W4Y FOR3V3R **

**KARKAT: WELL, *I* WOULDN'T WANT THAT!**

**KARKAT: DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER TO YOU?**

**KARKAT: DOES THAT FACTOR ANYWHERE INTO YOUR DREARY EXISTENTIAL EQUATION?**

**TEREZI: YOU PROB4BLY TH1NK 1M CR4ZY **

**TEREZI: JUST 4S CR4ZY 4S YOU TH1NK 1 4M FOR D4T1NG G4MZ33 **

**TEREZI: BUT **

**TEREZI: 1 R34LLY M1SS H3R **

**KARKAT: NO**

**KARKAT: I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CRAZY FOR THAT.**

**TEREZI: 4ND Y3T **

**TEREZI: 1F 1 3V3R S4W H3R 4G41N **

**TEREZI: TH3R3S NO W4Y 1 COULD T4LK TO H3R **

**TEREZI: SO P4RT OF M3 HOP3S 1 N3V3R- **

**TEREZI: **_**OW!**_

The crab had grabbed Terezi's toe with its pincer. Terezi shook her foot to get it off.

**TEREZI: D4V3, YOU D1CK!**

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: dont blame me**

**DAVE: i cant control the crab**

Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 3.

Caliborn stood on a black planet.

**WAIT. WHY DID THAT PLANET GIVE ME TWO ELVES.**

**You're calling them elves now? **

**YES.**

**But they're leprechauns! **

**Or gnomes, according to some baloneyscholars. **

**THEY CAN NOW BE ADDITIONALLY REFERRED TO AS ELVES. I HAVE DECIDED.**

**Whatever. **

**WHY ARE THERE TWO.**

**Because of the two for one deal. **

**You sunk the 7th planet on the break. So when you destroyed the 6th planet, you unlocked both the 6th and 7th elf. **

**Now you're on the 8th planet. This one doesn't give you an elf. **

**IT DOESN'T.**

**No. **

**WHAT ABOUT A GNOME.**

**No. **

**WHAT ABOUT A LEPRECHAUN.**

**No. **

**You get nothing. **

**WHY NOT.**

**Because you're supposed to skip this one and destroy it last. **

**You're just wasting time hanging around here. The clock is ticking. **

**ALRIGHT.**

**BUT FIRST. I WANT TO GET THEIR POWERS STRAIGHT.**

**AM I CORRECT IN ASSUMING. THEIR POWERS KEEP GETTING MORE USELESS?**

**Yes. **

**JUST AS I SUSPECTED.**

**I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW.**

**SO ORANGE HAT. WE HAVE ESTABLISHED. JUST WALKS AHEAD OF ME ALL THE TIME.**

**NO MATTER HOW FAR OFF HE WANDERS. AND GETS LOST. I ALWAYS SEEM TO CATCH UP WITH HIM.**

**Yes. **

**AND GREEN HAT.**

**HE JUST HAS A DOLL. WITH PINS IN IT.**

**Yes. **

**WHAT'S UP WITH THAT.**

**He has a doll with pins in it. **

**AND?**

**Every time you get a new elf, he'll take another pin out. **

**That's all I will tell you. **

**OK. GOT IT. IT'S POINTLESS. MOVING ON.**

**MAROON HAT.**

**I CAN'T TELL WHAT HIS POWER IS.**

**WHAT IS HIS POWER.**

**He doesn't have a power. **

**ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.**

**No. **

**THAT'S A NEW LOW. EVEN FOR THESE SHIT HEADS.**

**But maroon hat is pretty smart! **

**You can use him as a higher ranking henchman or something. **

**BEING SMART ISN'T A POWER.**

**PLUS. I DOUBT IT. HOW SMART CAN ONE OF THESE IMBECILES BE.**

**You should talk to him and find out. **

**NO.**

**Come on. **

**Just a little friendly chat. **

**FINE.**

**I WILL HAVE A WORD WITH HIM. VERY BRIEFLY.**

**Ok. **

**... **

**Hey. **

**Are you still talking to him? **

**Wow, you guys are really going at it there. **

**What the fuck could you be talking about for so long? **

**This is getting ridiculous. **

**The timer on the next cueball bomb is ticking away. **

**OK. I'M BACK.**

**And? **

**MAROON HAT IS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND PERSONABLE.**

**I HAVE DECIDED HE IS MY FAVORITE GUY SO FAR.**

**See? I told you. **

**I WILL GIVE HIM SOME IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITIES LATER.**

**BUT I HAVE NOT DECIDED WHAT.**

**Maybe he can hold on to something important for you. **

**GOOD IDEA.**

**LIKE WHAT?**

**OH, I KNOW. MY CALTOP.**

**No not the caltop. That's dumb. **

**MY GUN?**

**No. **

**OH! MY CANDY.**

**No you idiot! **

**FUCK YOU. IF YOU HAVE AN IDEA. THEN JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS. PUZZLEMAN.**

**Look at the color of his hat. What else do you have that's that color? **

**UHH.**

**Also, what object can you think of that's kinda shaped like a 7? **

**HMM.**

**OH!**

**OHHHHHHHHHHH.**

**OF COURSE.**

**A BOOMERANG!**

**Ok, I give up. **

**I WILL MAKE A MENTAL NOTE TO SECURE A BOOMERANG IN THE FUTURE.**

**YES. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. TO BE A BOOMERANG. THEMATICALLY.**

**BECAUSE IT ALWAYS COMES BACK AROUND. IN ONE BIG CIRCLE. LIKE ALL THE TIME SHIT. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT!**

**... **

**OK. LAST QUESTION.**

**WHY IS PURPLE HAT. CONSTANTLY DANCING IN MY PRESENCE?**

**Yeah. **

**I guess in retrospect, purple hat has always been pretty flirtatious, hasn't he? **

**WHAT?!**

**Maybe you should try to be open minded though. **

**Have you ever considered a star/heart/horseshoe relationship with someone? **

**Maybe you will discover you have never truly experienced joy until you have been in star/heart/horseshoe with a dancing elf. **

**\- Caliborn has spiked his caltop on the ground in disgust. -**

End of Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 3.


	260. Book 15 Chapter 9: Mutiny

Chapter 9: Mutiny

The fleet finally arrived back where it had started. The pirate ship docked at a small island with a cave in the shape of a green skull in the center of it. With Vriska in the lead, Feferi, Meenah, Tavros, Aranea, and Nepeta walked through the cave. Far behind them walked John with Sollux and Aradia.

**VRISKA: Hey guys! Stop dragging your feet 8ack there! You're falling so far 8ehind, you're starting to look tiny and ridiculous from here.**

**VRISKA: The treasure should 8e 8uried just up ahead. Let's pick up the pace!**

**SOLLUX: excuse me, s0me 0f us here have special needs. i think i will c0ntinue dragging my feet if y0u d0n't mind.**

**VRISKA: Sollux, will you just let Aranea heal your eyes already and catch the fuck up?**

**SOLLUX: N0!**

John turned to Aradia.

**JOHN: hey.**

**JOHN: aradia, was it?**

**ARADIA: yes**

**JOHN: can i ask you something?**

**ARADIA: ok**

**JOHN: you seem reasonable, and pretty nice.**

**ARADIA: :)**

**JOHN: so i'm wondering.**

**JOHN: how do you feel about all this?**

**ARADIA: about what exactly**

**JOHN: about what vriska and her pirate buddies are doing.**

**ARADIA: you mean searching for the weapon?**

**ARADIA: i think its a good idea**

**JOHN: no, i know.**

**JOHN: of course it would be great to have an awesome secret weapon, whatever it is.**

**JOHN: i mean...**

**JOHN: how do you feel about the way they've been searching for it?**

**JOHN: by using all your ghost clone friends as bait.**

**JOHN: and getting the bad guy to blow them all up to reveal the way to the treasure?**

**ARADIA: thats probably the only way to find it**

**ARADIA: in my experience the specific path you travel out here is very important**

**ARADIA: if we did not trace that exact path in that amount of time i doubt we ever would have found the right location**

**ARADIA: in fact it may never have been found by anyone**

**JOHN: ok, yes.**

**JOHN: let's assume it was the only way to find it. granted.**

**JOHN: but i mean, does that really make it the right way to beat him?**

**ARADIA: i couldnt say**

**JOHN: well, how do you feel about it?**

**JOHN: most of the other pirates seem cool with it, so i'm wondering if you feel differently.**

**ARADIA: its probably necessary**

**ARADIA: and they would have embarked on this voyage whether i had come along or not**

**ARADIA: so i might as well join the fun!**

**ARADIA: isnt that what you did when you saw our ship?**

**JOHN: um...**

**JOHN: sort of.**

**JOHN: but i didn't know what you were all doing yet.**

**ARADIA: yes but once you found out you continued journeying with us**

**JOHN: yeah, but...**

**JOHN: i'm just hanging out here cause i'm asleep! what else was i going to do?**

**ARADIA: exactly!**

She smiled at him.

**ARADIA: i dont necessarily share their point of view on the meaning of this endeavor though**

**ARADIA: they consider this to be a great clash between good and evil**

**ARADIA: but i prefer to look at the coming battle as a matter of housekeeping**

**ARADIA: in the end all loops must be tidied up**

**ARADIA: even his**

**JOHN: ok, but what about your friends!**

**JOHN: don't you care about them?**

**ARADIA: of course i do!**

**ARADIA: i love all my friends**

**JOHN: then why do you seem so...**

**JOHN: cheerful?**

**JOHN: when so many of them are getting zapped by lasers.**

**ARADIA: do i seem cheerful about that**

**JOHN: kinda!**

**ARADIA: i apologize if that is the way i am behaving**

**ARADIA: it is not true though**

**ARADIA: i think i look at death differently than most**

**ARADIA: and it is fair to say this attitude extends to death after death as well**

**ARADIA: i have learned to be at ease with the cessation of being in any form it takes**

**ARADIA: but i am not nor will i ever be the monsters handmaid**

**ARADIA: so please believe that i would never take joy from the destruction of any soul**

**ARADIA: however you must realize that it is only by the grace of the horrorterrors that so many have been allowed to continue existing for so long**

**ARADIA: they have persisted for ages beyond their time just as he has**

**ARADIA: as such it seems to me his rampage is just another kind of housekeeping**

**ARADIA: while he rounds the ring undoing the work of the gods we must prepare for his undoing as well**

**ARADIA: to ready the manor for the lords arrival so to speak :)**

**JOHN: ...**

**JOHN: i'm sorry, maybe i spaced out through some of that.**

**JOHN: but i'm still not sure what you're talking about.**

**JOHN: maybe you could just simplify it for me.**

**JOHN: are you a good guy or a bad guy?**

**ARADIA: i dont like to think of myself in those terms**

**ARADIA: but i do try to be nice to people!**

**JOHN: dammit.**

**JOHN: ok, could you just... maybe...**

**JOHN: give me an idea of what it is you actually want out of all this?**

**ARADIA: what i want?**

**ARADIA: hmmm**

**ARADIA: thats a pretty good question**

Her smile suddenly turned into a huge grin.

**ARADIA: i think i mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart**

John stared at her for a minute, horrified, and then slapped his forehead.

**JOHN: oh my god, you are all so insane!**

**VRISKA: Are you coming or what!**

**ARANEA: Yes, please come! I was a8out to 8egin one final story 8efore we reach the treasure!**

**JOHN: oh holy shit another story? i'm there! **

**JOHN: sorry aradia, i'd love to keep chatting, but you heard the lady. it's story time again. **

John ran ahead to the group that Vriska was leading.

**SOLLUX: w0w aradia, y0u actually sent the guy running t0 hear a serket st0ry.**

**SOLLUX: that was a REALLY impressive creep 0ut j0b, nice.**

**ARADIA: :(**

Aranea smiled as John came up to them.

**ARANEA: Thank you for joining us, John.**

**ARANEA: Commodore Nepeta and Rear Admiral Feferi have 8oth 8een clamoring for one last tale, and I am not one to disappoint.**

**FEFERI: 38)**

**NEPETA: :33**

**MEENAH: (clamoring)**

**MEENAH: (as in clams text it)**

**JOHN: ok. what's this one about?**

**JOHN: ogre sex, or salamander shipping, or something?**

**ARANEA: Nope! Although I would 8e happy to tell you all a8out those topics another time.**

**ARANEA: This is a story a8out two legendary rings.**

John pictured the rings on Jack and PM's fingers. The rings of orbs four-fold.

**ARANEA: No, not those rings!**

**ARANEA: The rings I am talking a8out are less powerful, and considera8ly more o8scure.**

**ARANEA: 8ut for what they lack in power, they make up for in mystery!**

**ARANEA: Details on the rings are quite hard to come 8y. I have pieced together what little I know from various fa8les and myths.**

**ARANEA: They occasionally make appearances in such stories, serving different purposes in each tale, and always called 8y different names.**

**ARANEA: 8ut in this story, they will 8e known as the Rings of Life and Void.**

**ARANEA: The rings are said to look nearly identical. **

**ARANEA: 8ut their powers are quite different, as are their origins. **

**ARANEA: The Ring of Void supposedly once 8elonged to the 8lack queen of a void session. **

**ARANEA: 8ut one day it was stolen from her 8y a thief. And then stolen again from the thief 8y a rogue. **

**ARANEA: Legend would suggest it changed hands like this for a long time thereafter, until finally vanishing into the void itself forever. **

**ARANEA: Which is fitting, as the ring grants its wearer the a8ility to do exactly the same! **

**ARANEA: The Ring of Life has a very different story. **

**ARANEA: I have found no reports of an origin to this ring at all. Like many magic artifacts, it may not even have one which is comprehensi8le. **

**ARANEA: Earliest reports I have read would suggest it was first discovered 8y some travelers in a desert, and like its sister ring, has changed hands repeatedly since. **

**ARANEA: This ring however has a dramatically different effect. Instead of releg8ting the wearer to o8scurity and immateriality, it does just the opposite. **

**ARANEA: It is said that any ghost who wears this ring will come 8ack to life! **

**ARANEA: In some stories, the f8 of each ring appears to 8e entangled with the other. When one is lost, the other is serendipitously found. **

**ARANEA: A gr8 example of this can 8e o8served in the fa8le of- **

**VRISKA: W8 a minute...**

**ARANEA: 8ut I was just a8out to tellmph- **

Vriska put her hand over Aranea's mouth.

**VRISKA: Mindfang, I said shut up. **

**ARANEA: ::::? **

**VRISKA: W8. **

**VRISKA: Now w8 just a goddamn minute. **

**VRISKA: Hoooooooold on. **

**VRISKA: Are you telling me, **

**VRISKA: Are you SERIOUSLY telling me, **

**VRISKA: That ring... **

**FEFERI: 38?**

**NEPETA: :?**

**VRISKA: No. **

**VRISKA: Just... **

**VRISKA: Noooooooo. **

**VRISKA: 8ack it up. **

**VRISKA: For just a silk spinning MINUTE. **

**JOHN: what's the matter?**

Vriska clenched her fists and yelled.

**VRISKA: **_**THAT FUCKING GUY!**_

**VRISKA: Are you kidding me.**

She mind controlled two doomed Cronus's to slampora into each other.

**VRISKA: ARE YOU KIDDING ME.**

**VRISKA: RAAAAAAAARARRAAUUUUUUUUAAAAUUAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!**

**VRISKA: Tavros! **

**TAVROS: wHAT,**

**VRISKA: What did you do with that ring?! **

**TAVROS: ,,,,,**

**TAVROS: wHAT RING,**

**VRISKA: Don't play dum8 with me. That ring you had.**

**VRISKA: You know, the same one the orange guy tried to give me?**

**TAVROS: i STILL DON'T KNOW, aBOUT THIS ORANGE GUY YOU MENTION SOMETIMES, **

**TAVROS: yOU TALK ABOUT ORANGE GUY, bUT, iN REALITY, hE SOUNDS PROBABLY FAKE? **

**TAVROS: lIKE HOW YOU THOUGHT RUFIOH USED TO BE, uNTIL FACTS PROVED HE WASN'T, **

**VRISKA: You actually think I'm making this up? Why would I make up a story a8out an orange guy?!**

**VRISKA: What kind of juvenile fuckup do you take me for?**

**VRISKA: The orange guy was real. He was surrounded 8y a 8unch of stupid fucking horses, and he tried to give me a ring so I knocked him out cold.**

**VRISKA: And then l8ter YOU found it.**

**TAVROS: nO i DIDN'T, **

**VRISKA: Yes you did! Don't lie to me.**

**VRISKA: You had the ring, and you and John were fighting over it 8ehind your 8acks like a couple of idiots for a while.**

**VRISKA: What, you think I didn't notice?!**

**TAVROS: yES, nO, **

**TAVROS: i DIDN'T THINK YOU DID, **

**VRISKA: Well I did! And I didn't care 8ecause I didn't think the ring did jack shit!**

**VRISKA: 8ut now that I know it does jack A WHOLE FUCKING LOT, I would like you to stop 8ehaving like a disingenuous, argument8tive ASSH8LE and **_**T8LL ME WHERE IT IS**_**.**

**TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS, **

**TAVROS: iT'S GONE, **

**VRISKA: What do you mean it's gone!**

Nepeta and Feferi looked at each other.

**TAVROS: i HAD IT, tHEN jOHN HAD IT,**

**TAVROS: aND i WANTED IT BACK, bUT HE WANTED IT ALSO, sO,**

**TAVROS: wE ARGUED WITH OUR HANDS OVER IT, uNTIL HE VANISHED,**

**TAVROS: aND i TRIED TO FIND IT ON THE GROUND, bECAUSE IT WAS PRECIOUS TO ME, fOR A WHILE,**

**VRISKA: Why was it precious to you? Are you telling me you knew what it did!**

**TAVROS: nO, i DIDN'T, i JUST HAD,**

**TAVROS: sEPARATE REASONS FROM THAT, fOR WANTING IT,**

**VRISKA: Well whatever lame reason you wanted that ring, forget it. It's o8viously a much more important magical item than either of us gave it credit for.**

**VRISKA: As soon as we get the treasure out of this cave, you're going to lead us 8ack to wherever you lost it, and we're gonna look for it!**

**VRISKA: Is that understood, Poopmaster Nitram?**

**TAVROS: nO, yES,**

**TAVROS: i MEAN, yES, i COMPREHEND THE LITERAL MEANING OF YOUR YELLING,**

**TAVROS: bUT, nO,**

**VRISKA: What do you mean no? That was an order!**

**TAVROS: i THINK YOUR MEAN SPIRITED ANGRINESS IS MAKING ME REMEMBER, tO WONDER WHY i KEEP WANTING TO HELP YOU AND LIKE YOU,**

**TAVROS: aND i THINK IT'S MAKING ME THINK, i DON'T REALLY CARE ANYMORE ABOUT FINDING THE RING, oR FINDING THIS TREASURE,**

**TAVROS: oR HELP YOU DO ARGUABLY EVIL THINGS TO GHOST FRIENDS, tO GET YOUR OBJECTIVES TO HAPPEN,**

**VRISKA: Tavros, what exactly are you trying to say?**

**TAVROS: i THINK, tHE BOTTOM LINE OF THAT, iS,**

**TAVROS: i DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR POOPMASTER ANYMORE,**

**TAVROS: sO i'M NOT GOING TO BE,**

He flew away towards one of the eyes of the cave.

**VRISKA: Where do you think you're going?!**

**VRISKA: Get 8ack here! You c8n't just fly aw8y from me like th8t!**

**TAVROS: oH, bUT i CAN,**

**TAVROS: yOU FORGOT ABOUT *MYYYY* SECRET WEAPON,**

**TAVROS: bEHOLD, tHE SELF ESTEEMS!,**

**VRISKA: S8LF ESTEEMS MY 8SS! I SAID G8T 8ACK HERE!**

**VRISKA: IF YOU GO OUT THERE AL8NE YOU'RE G8ING TO DIE, Y8U P8THETIC PI8CE OF SHIT!**

**TAVROS: i'LL TAKE MY CHANCES, yOU JERK!**

**TAVROS: (hahA, yeSSsSs,)**

**TAVROS: fLY, pUPA, **

**TAVROS: fLYYYYY, **

**TAVROS: (heheHehE,) **

**TAVROS: (ehHHehehEheH, oH yEs,) **

**TAVROS: (heheHEHEHEhehEhEheh, so clEVEr,) **

**TAVROS: (how i refEreNCed, whaT wEre onCE, scoRNfUl remArKS dIreCtED at me, eheHahAHa!) **

**TAVROS: (hahAhehE, so sicK! sO sICk!,) **

**VRISKA: WE CAN ALL HEAR YOU WH8SPERING FROM D8WN HERE SHIT F8R 8RAINS!**

**SOLLUX: hey tavr0s, wait up, i think i'm c0ming with y0u.**

**VRISKA: What? No, Sollux, w8!**

**SOLLUX: nah, i've pretty much had it t00. **

**SOLLUX: i can't believe i went al0ng with this f0r as l0ng as i did, s0 yeah. **

**SOLLUX: i'll be fucked tw0 ways fr0m perigees eve bef0re i let tavr0s upstage me in the backb0ne department. **

**SOLLUX: aradia, s0rry, i can't be a part 0f this anym0re, it's just making me feel dirty. **

**ARADIA: i understand sollux**

**SOLLUX: let's catch up again later, h0pefully when this is all 0ver. **

**ARADIA: yeah :D**

**SOLLUX: 0h, feferi and nepeta will be c0ming with me t00. **

**VRISKA: WHAT!**

**VRISKA: No they f8cking won't!**

**SOLLUX: yes they will! they just t0ld me. **

**VRISKA: I d8dn't hear them say shit!**

**SOLLUX: they b0th gave me meaningful glances! **

**SOLLUX: like as if t0 say, aw yeah, let's b0unce. **

**FEFERI: 3;)**

**NEPETA: ;33**

**VRISKA: YOU'RE BLIND, H8W COULD YOU SEE A "ME8NINGFUL GLANCE"?**

**SOLLUX: instead 0f underestimating the perspicacity 0f the sens0ry impaired, why d0n't y0u bite me. **

**VRISKA: No, they can't go! Commodore Nepeta and Rear Admiral Feferi are 8oth critical mem8ers of my crew!**

**VRISKA: This is mutiny!**

**ARANEA: Vriska, I am on your side here. 8ut I feel I should point out that technically they 8oth outrank you.**

**VRISKA: Excuse me?!**

**VRISKA: No they don't! Come on, I just gave them titles that sounded cool!**

**VRISKA: How can you outrank a captain?**

**ARANEA: 8y 8eing a commodore?**

**VRISKA: A commodore outranks a captain?!**

**MEENAH: yea fraid so**

**ARANEA: Yes, and a rear admiral outranks a commodore.**

**VRISKA: No, 8ut!**

**VRISKA: I thought a rear admiral was like...**

**VRISKA: Some sort of JOKE rank!**

**VRISKA: Who can take a rear admiral seriously? It might as well 8e a poopmaster!**

**MEENAH: um no serk its actually a real thing**

**MEENAH: god damn for a pirate you really know fuckall about nautical junk**

**MEENAH: pretty embarrassing tbh**

**SOLLUX: yeah, this stuff is all super interesting. j/k, l0sers.**

**SOLLUX: anyway, we're 0ut.**

**SOLLUX: LADIES.**

Feferi and Nepeta each took one of Sollux's arms and lifted him into the sky after Tavros.


	261. Book 15 Chapter 10: 8y 8eing me

Chapter 10: 8y 8eing me

**VRISKA: GOOD RIDD8NCE YOU 8ACKSTA88ING INGR8TES!**

**VRISKA: I HOPE LORD ENGLISH E8TS YOU 8LL!**

**JOHN: hey, vriska.**

**VRISKA: WH8T!**

**JOHN: actually...**

**JOHN: you know that ring?**

**VRISKA: What a8out it!**

**JOHN: i have it now.**

**VRISKA: You do?**

**VRISKA: Where! Let me see!**

**JOHN: no, i mean, not on me.**

**JOHN: i guess i wasn't wearing it when i fell asleep.**

**JOHN: it seems to have the power to come with me in and out of my dreams, as long as i'm wearing it.**

**JOHN: that's how i got it in the first place. i had it on when i woke up.**

**VRISKA: You were wearing it?**

**VRISKA: Why? And why were you playing keepaway with it in the first place!**

**VRISKA: I mean, aside from the o8vious fact that messing with Tavros is its own hilarious reward.**

**JOHN: i don't know.**

**JOHN: i guess...**

**JOHN: i liked it, and i just wanted to hang on to it for some reason.**

**JOHN: but i didn't know i would wake up with it.**

**VRISKA: This is perfect!**

**VRISKA: That means all you have to do is put it on when you wake up, then come find me the next time you go to sleep!**

**JOHN: yeah...**

**JOHN: maybe.**

**VRISKA: May8e?**

**JOHN: i'll think about it. **

**VRISKA: You'll THINK a8out it?**

**JOHN: well, yeah. **

**JOHN: it sounds like an important item, so deciding what to do with it is kind of a big responsibility. **

**JOHN: it's supposed to bring ghosts back to life, but we don't know how it works. **

**JOHN: what if it only keeps you alive as long as you're wearing it? **

**JOHN: that would mean only one ghost could come back. **

**VRISKA: Right! All the 8etter reason to let me use it!**

**JOHN: but there are a lot of ghosts! **

**JOHN: i'm just not sure what to do yet. **

**VRISKA: W8. You're not ACTUALLY thinking of giving it to someone else, are you?**

**VRISKA: That's my ring! The orange guy gave it to ME!**

**JOHN: yeah, well frankly, i don't give a shit about the orange guy! **

**JOHN: the ring is mine for now, so i'm the one who has to figure out what to do with it. **

**JOHN: speaking of waking up, it's probably time i got going too. **

**JOHN: i'm not trying to join the mutiny or anything, but i do have friends waiting for me out there. **

**VRISKA: John, w8!**

**VRISKA: I hope we're not parting on 8ad terms here.**

**VRISKA: You aren't holding all this treasure hunting shit against me like Tavros is, right?**

**VRISKA: We're still cool, right John?**

**JOHN: uh... **

**VRISKA: If you have to leave, I get that, 8ut I really want us to stay friends!**

**VRISKA: I always felt like we had a special 8ond, John. Like we're 8oth always in the position of having to take charge as leaders, even if we never asked for that responsi8ility.**

**VRISKA: And I don't wanna pressure you into anything, 8ut I would really appreci8 it if you'd at least think a8out me next time you take a nap with that ring on!**

**JOHN: it's fine. we can stay friends. **

**JOHN: i don't really like to make enemies with people, even if they're... **

**VRISKA: Even if they're what?**

**JOHN: umm.**

**JOHN: vriska, i have to be honest. years ago when we first talked, it was a lot of fun to get to know you. **

**JOHN: and i admit i thought about you a lot since then. **

**JOHN: but i guess i never quite realized how little i actually understood you. **

**JOHN: during this crazy treasure quest, i tried to reserve judgment, like maybe it was just a troll thing i didn't get. **

**JOHN: but seeing how those other guys felt about it, i think it's more complicated than that. **

**JOHN: obviously not all trolls are like you. **

**JOHN: and i know i'm not. **

**JOHN: maybe this was all for a good cause, but it still felt like a pretty fucked up way to go about it. **

**JOHN: and... **

**JOHN: all i'm saying is, i'm ready to go. i've seen enough, and i miss my friends. **

**JOHN: i'll think about what to do with the ring, but honestly... **

**VRISKA: Honestly **_**what?**_

**JOHN: again, i am just keeping it real! **

**JOHN: but if i am really thinking hard about who i should bring back to life... **

**JOHN: i dunno if my conscience can justify bringing back someone so... **

**JOHN: dangerous.**

**VRISKA: Fine.**

**VRISKA: Don't give me the ring then.**

**VRISKA: Actually, you know what? Even if you change your mind some day, forget it!**

**VRISKA: I don't even want it anymore.**

**JOHN: you don't? **

**VRISKA: No.**

**VRISKA: I've 8een dead this long. What's a little longer.**

**VRISKA: Keep your ring. I don't want anyone's pity.**

**VRISKA: So 8eat it, Eg8ert.**

**JOHN: ... **

**VRISKA: ...**

**VRISKA: WELL?**

**JOHN: huh? **

**VRISKA: JOHN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEAVING.**

**JOHN: oh. right. **

**JOHN: i guess i'll just be... **

**VRISKA: WHAT ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?! DON'T GO YET.**

**JOHN: wh... **

**JOHN: what? **

**VRISKA: Look, you made yourself perfectly clear. You think I'm a heartless monster, and you don't want to help me out.**

**VRISKA: Whatever!**

**VRISKA: 8ut are you SERIOUSLY going to check out of this dream like TWO MINUTES 8efore you see what the treasure is?!**

**VRISKA: Holy crap, dude. Where is your sense of curiosity?**

**VRISKA: If I can manage to put up with you for a little longer, I think you can stand my morally 8ankrupt company long enough to find out what this thing is.**

**VRISKA: Why am I the only person in paradox space who actually THINKS!**

**JOHN: oh. **

**JOHN: sure. **

**JOHN: i guess i'll go a little further and check out the treasure. **

**JOHN: heh, you're right. it would be dumb not to. **

**VRISKA: Good.**

Vriska tossed her jacket to the ground.

**VRISKA: Party's over, folks.**

**VRISKA: The pir8 playtime wiggler jam8oree was fun while it lasted.**

**VRISKA: 8ut it's time to get serious.**

She looked down into the chasm at the end of the cave, at the bottom of which was a flaming X.

**VRISKA: The treasure's down there.**

**VRISKA: If my guess is right, it should 8e 8uried in one of his ancient memories.**

**VRISKA: 8y now we've all 8een wind8agged to hell and 8ack 8y my dear ancestor.**

**VRISKA: So I'll trust no8ody's gonna mind indulging one of MY stories.**

**VRISKA: There was a pretty good yarn a8out this treasure I read once during our travels.**

**VRISKA: Found it in some damn memory, who knows whose.**

**VRISKA: It was a good read. IMPECCA8LE prose. Failing to do it justice would be the real matter of gray morality here, if you ask me.**

**VRISKA: 8ut right now I 8n't in the mood to figure out how not to make it fucking suck.**

**VRISKA: So I'll just say this.**

**VRISKA: It was supposedly a weapon that once 8elonged to him.**

**VRISKA: 8ut he could never use it without altering its nature.**

**VRISKA: Meaning he could only use it once.**

**VRISKA: So he did.**

**VRISKA: After that, it could only 8e used again one more time.**

**VRISKA: And only as a weapon against him.**

**VRISKA: Knowing it was one of the keys to his defeat, he had it locked away deep in the void.**

**VRISKA: That's it. Part one of my story. Hold your applause.**

**VRISKA: Guess we'll find out if that's true.**

**VRISKA: Or if it turns out all my despica8le shit was in vain.**

**VRISKA: Not that it would even matter to some people. **

**VRISKA: You know, they can say whatever they want a8out me. **

**VRISKA: 8ut somewhere out there is a shimmering new universe growing in a 8ig 8all of water. **

**VRISKA: He's looking hells of majestic. Amphi8ious and resplendent. His glorious croak would 8ring you to your knees. **

**VRISKA: That universe is going to give life to 8illions of trillions of zillions of cute little aliens. **

**VRISKA: You wouldn't even 8elieve how pretty and wonderful and happy all these aliens will 8e. It's making your lip trem8le just thinking a8out them, and how worth saving they are. Wow. **

**VRISKA: You could walk up to one of those aliens and put your hand on its innocent shoulder, and with a str8 face you could say, "Sorry to 8r8k it to you. 8ut tomorrow, a guy named Lord English is going to destroy your universe. You are all going to die." **

**VRISKA: And when that alien looks up at you with tears in its eyes, just 8efore the first one rolls down its weird alien cheek, you lean in close to its a8surd alien ear and whisper, "Psyche." **

**VRISKA: That's 8ecause you know a long time ago, in an o8scure pocket of reality the alien could never understand or give a shit a8out, some crazy girl sacrificed the "lives" of a 8unch ghosts in order to kill that guy forever. **

**VRISKA: They were already a million sweeps past their prime, existing on 8orrowed time, luxuri8ting in a kind of 8izarre metaphysical longevity few others will ever enjoy. **

**VRISKA: Just a fresh 8atch of 88 the squid gods kept on ice for an ins8tia8le fisherman cause they were sick of 8eing hunted themselves. **

**VRISKA: Those ghosts were all that stood in the way of an end to this eternal holocaust, and sparing their souls 8n't different in my view from personally committing atrocities on a cosmic fucking scale. **

**VRISKA: I only ever wanted to do the right thing no matter how it made people judge me, and I don't need a magic ring to do that. **

**VRISKA: You don't have to 8e alive to make yourself relevant. **

**VRISKA: And you don't have to 8e a good person to 8e a hero. **

**VRISKA: You just have to know who you are and stay true to that. **

**VRISKA: So I'm going to keep fighting for people the only way I ever knew how.**

She leaped down the hole.

**VRISKA: 8y 8eing me.**

Kanaya stared at Rose, who was sitting amidst piles of cans. The Mayor was happily looking around, surveying his town dutifully.

**KANAYA: ...**

**KANAYA: ...**

**KANAYA: ...**

**KANAYA: ...**

**KANAYA: …**

**KANAYA: Rose You Are Willfully Ignoring My Trail Of Finish Crumbs **

**ROSE: Humm?**

**KANAYA: I Said Them Quietly In Sequence To Convey One Of Your Human Pregnant Pauses Before Speaking **

**ROSE: Ahaha.**

**KANAYA: The Pause Was Human Expecting In The Same Sense That I Am Expecting An Explanation For Your Present Conduct **

**KANAYA: We Were To Meet The Others On The Roof By Now **

**ROSE: Kanaya, whas with this pregnancy shHIC! shit, are you trying to toll me something? ;)**

**KANAYA: Im Trying To Toll... To Tell You That We Are On The Verge Of Reaching Our Destination And Here I Find You Doing **

**KANAYA: What Are You Doing Exactly **

**ROSE: My civic dutie. ;)**

**ROSE: I have been desputized by the Mayor as the assasstant chief deputy of city plannning and preshervation.**

**KANAYA: What **

**ROSE: Kanya, I' am relaly SWAMPED in red tape here, do you think you coult please return whan I am no so busy, thanks!**

**KANAYA: ! **

**ROSE: Either that, or file out a requisition form wish the zoning bureau.**

**KANAYA: You Have Been Drinking Your Soporifics In Excess Again **

**KANAYA: Rose This Is Terrible **

**ROSE: No, what would be terribule would be to bid farewell to this metreor before my critical adminitistrative work is complete.**

**KANAYA: No But **

**KANAYA: Really What Are You Doing Here In The Tiny Simulated Village **

**KANAYA: Are You **

**KANAYA: Are You Writing Numbers On All Of These Nutrition Cylinders **

**ROSE: *LAFF.***

**ROSE: God I just love troll words for things!**

**KANAYA: Yes **

**KANAYA: You Have Mentioned This **

**ROSE: Nushrition cylinders, thad's a good one. I forgot about that one.**

**ROSE: Maybe cylanders ins't stilted enough, though. What about.,.**

**ROSE: Tallcircles.**

**KANAYA: Tallcircles **

**ROSE: ;D**

**KANAYA: Tallcircles No That Sucks **

**KANAYA: Answer My Question Please Why Are You Numbering The Tallcirc... **

**KANAYA: CANS **

**ROSE: I am docurmenting their original locations.**

**ROSE: Soo that we way relocate the city faithfully to our new home.**

**ROSE: Wheyrever that may be!**

**KANAYA: You Want To Relocate The City **

**KANAYA: Now? **

**KANAYA: This Is Such A Foolish Use Of Your Time**

**ROSE: Oh,, but you could not be further fromp the truth.**

**ROSE: The prestervation of Can Town has trenendous symbolic importance.**

**ROSE: We are ahll that's left of our respective races, Kanaye.**

**ROSE: We are the light of civivization!**

**ROSE: Is our responsipility to carry the torch through the abyss whilest keeping it lit, and hic...**

**ROSE: And set it pupon the harth of the newd world.**

**KANAYA: I Think The Torch Is Not All You Have Managed To Keep Lit **

**ROSE: Its light... OUUR light will spread throughout our creation, but only, Kayaka, ONLY,**

**ROSE: If we respect the light of civilazation itself. If we respect the light of DEMCOCRACY!**

**KANAYA: ... **

**KANAYA: So Many Finish Crumbs Up In Here **

**ROSE: Civilitey/ Liberby. Reason. Efidication. Civilty.**

**ROSE: Rationality. Learning, Jutstice. Libersty. Hornor. Elucidution.. Civlity. Raison...**

**ROSE: This are the virshues which emboby the magnificence that is Can Town.**

**KANAYA: You Said Some Of Those Words Two Or Three Times And Most Of Them Werent Words **

**ROSE: Pfhaha! I just got it!**

**ROSE: "That'sh not all you managed to keep lit."**

**ROSE: That burn was sii**_**iiii**_**ck! Hah,ahah I love it.**

**KANAYA: I Do Not Believe This**

**KANAYA: You Promised Me You Would Be Ready For Our Arrival**

**ROSE: I am ready! **

**ROSE: My god robe's on n evrything. **

**KANAYA: This Is Not Ready!**

**KANAYA: When I Said Ready I Believe Your Sobriety Was More Than Implied As The Operative Criterion**

**ROSE: Mehehe, Kanasta, **

**ROSE: U so **

**ROSE: Wordy. ;) **

**KANAYA: Ugh!**

**KANAYA: I Have Been As Polite As I Can Be But Honestly Your Demeanor Is Not Nearly As Charming As You Appear To Believe When You Have Consumed A Lot Of That Liquid**

**KANAYA: You Have Assured Me That Chronic And Habitual Exploitation Of This Substance Is "Not A Problem" For Your People But At This Point I Must Conclude That You Were Just Lying!**

**KANAYA: Why**

**KANAYA: Why Did You Do This Just Before Our Arrival When You Told Me You Wouldnt!**

**ROSE: Well. **

**ROSE: I wasnt' going to. **

**ROSE: But I starded to think about evereything. **

**ROSE: About meeting my mom. **

**ROSE: And I startled getting nervous.. . **

**KANAYA: But You Cant Help Us Like This!**

**KANAYA: We Need You!**

**KANAYA: Youre The Smartest One On This Meteor!**

**KANAYA: By Quite A Lot!**

**ROSE: Hey now. **

**ROSE: Kapaya, I'm flatter. But I think you're might be selling the Mayor short. **

**KANAYA: What**

**ROSE: THIS GUY **

**ROSE: Lemme tell yuoi. **

**ROSE: THIS GUYY, **

**ROSE: is **

**ROSE: **_**THE BEST**_ **;D **

**KANAYA: Okay That Was Literally The Most Inebriated Thing You Have Ever Said**

Rose put her arm around The Mayor's neck.

**ROSE: No but, Karkaya.**

**ROSE: The Mayor.**

**ROSE: I'mmm **_**telling**_ **you.**

**ROSE: THE FUCKING MAYOR.**

**ROSE: Wat ay friend.**

**KANAYA: You Are Not Actually Suggesting This Simple Creature Dressed In Rags Is Your Intellectual Superior**

**ROSE: And if I am? ;|**

**KANAYA: How Would One Even Draw This Conclusion**

**KANAYA: He Does Not Speak**

**ROSE: Ohhhhh...**

**ROSE: He has his ways of letting is thoughts be known.**

**ROSE: He hays his ways.**

**KANAYA: He Does Not Have His Ways He Likes Cans And Little Pretend Cities And He Is Rather Adorable And That Is Pretty Much All There Is To Say About The Mayor**

**KANAYA: Please Do Not Distract From Important Issues With Talk Of Fake Mayors**

**ROSE: What issues?**

**ROSE: My indrescretion wich alcoholol?**

**ROSE: Or someshing else...**

**ROSE: I yam sensing we are tap toeing around a mixed bag of delicate subjex.**

**ROSE: Less talk about em ;).**

**KANAYA: This Is Not A Hypothetical Exercise In Your Earth Psychiatrics!**

**KANAYA: You Made A Promise To Me And You Did Not Keep It!**

**KANAYA: Yes You Are Usually Very Smart And We All Need You But More Importantly I Need You!**

**KANAYA: Dont You Remember!**

**KANAYA: You Said You Would Help Me Resurrect My Species!**

**KANAYA: I Still Dont Know How Im Going To Acquire A New Matriorb!**

**KANAYA: How Are We Supposed To Solve That Problem When Your Think Pan Is Addled So!**

**ROSE: Kamaya, why do'nt we go aesy on the shout poles.**

**ROSE: I tolt you, to relax about the matribob.**

**ROSE: Have some faith in us, that we;re going to make everything work out.**

**ROSE: I have a vvvery goog feeling i twill all be fine. ;)**

**KANAYA: That Is Not Reassuring Coming From You Like This!**

**KANAYA: I Often Cant Tell Even At Your Most Lucid If You Put Too Much Trust In Your Seering Abilities**

**KANAYA: But When You Say Such Things While Obscured By These Toxins You Sound Outright Delusional!**

**KANAYA: You Stumble Around This Lab In Such High Spirits Which Makes It Impossible To Broach The Subject From A Standpoint Of Mutual Agreement That Your Behavior Is A Problem!**

**ROSE: But if I'm always happay then...**

**ROSE: Why IS it a problem?**

**KANAYA: ARGH YOU SEE**

**ROSE: Im'm not following. I would LIKE to, wait am I...**

**ROSE: Have I been being a bistch to you witout realizing?**

**ROSE: Oh noh...**

**KANAYA: No Not Exactly**

**KANAYA: I Have Already Explained**

**KANAYA: You Have Severely Hobbled Your Intellect And Your Efficacy**

**KANAYA: The Objectives You Prioritize Have Become Ridiculous**

**KANAYA: You Have Just Now Decided To Draw A Map Of A False Metropolis!**

**KANAYA: Others Have Suffered As Well**

**KANAYA: What Ever Happened To Your Concern For Terezi And Gamzee**

**KANAYA: Were All My Lessons In Auspisticism For Nothing?**

**ROSE: I tried!**

**ROSE: I tried, Kakaka.**

**ROSE: But aushitspitschism... or whatever...**

**ROSE: Is's**

**ROSE: It sactually REALLY HARD!**

**KANAYA: I Know Its Hard!**

**KANAYA: Its Supposed To Be Hard!**

**KANAYA: And My Name Is Not Kakaka!**

**ROSE: Whoops I'm sorry, Yakaya..**

**ROSE: .. Kayolo.**

**ROSE: ., ...**

**ROSE: Papaya. Shit!**

**ROSE: Your name is so lovely, why can't I shay it!**

**KANAYA: You Cannot Say It!**

**KANAYA: Because You Are!**

**KANAYA: HUMAN DRUNK!**

**ROSE: ... .**

**ROSE: Yuo're right,**

**ROSE: My delinqancy has bend inexcusable.**

**ROSE: If you just help me fishish indexing an gathring up the rest of theze cans, we-**

**KANAYA: Raaararraauuuaaaauuaghghgghgggghhgh!**

Kanaya kicked a tower of cans over.

**ROSE: THE BUBBLES VON SALAMANCER MEMOIRIAL LIBRARAY!**

Rose looked down.

**ROSE: .. .**

**ROSE: ...**

**ROSE: ,,. ..**

**ROSE: . .**

**ROSE: ,...**

**ROSE: Are you going to brek up with me?**

Kanaya clenched her fists and screamed at the ceiling.

**KANAYA: NO!**


	262. Book 15 Chapter 11: W) (Y

Chapter 11: W) (Y

Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 4.

**I NEED MORE ANSWERS. VERY QUICKLY.**

**I thought you had given up on getting answers from me. **

**NO. I JUST HAVE NOT HAD TIME.**

**THE BOMB COUNTDOWNS ARE GETTING SO SHORT. THIS IS GETTING HARD. IT'S NOT FAIR.**

**I really don't see how it's any less fair than being allowed to solicit the omniscient narrator of your quest for answers. **

**Nobody else who plays this game gets to do that. What makes you so special? **

**BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I WAS SPECIAL.**

**I shouldn't have said that. **

**Now you're strutting around, all thinking you're special. **

**I AM SPECIAL!**

**I know. **

**LESS BULLSHIT. MORE ANSWERS.**

**I HAVE COLLECTED MORE FROG MEN.**

**WHAT DO THEY DO.**

**Frog men? **

**You are getting really esoteric with your headcanons now. **

**MY WHAT.**

**And what makes you so sure they are all men? **

**Have you sexed them? **

**FUCK YOU. AND YOUR RIBALD INSINUATIONS.**

**MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FROG MEN IS STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL.**

**No, I mean determined their sex. **

**Do you even know how? **

**I DON'T CARE.**

**THEY'RE ALL MEN. BECAUSE I SAY THEY ARE. AND I WANT THEM TO BE.**

**IF I BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH IN THEM BEING MEN.**

**THEN THAT FACT BECOMES ABSOLUTELY INDISPUTABLE AS A PERMANENT MAN REALITY.**

**It does? **

**ARE YOU TELLING ME. THAT YOU HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE. THAT MY ENTOURAGE OF DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN.**

**CONSISTS OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN BOYS?**

**No. **

**I mean, I don't know. **

**I'm not there, so I can't sex them to be sure. **

**YOU FUCKING PERVERT.**

**That's not what sexing means you little shit! **

**I'D LIKE TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. AWAY FROM THE LUST YOU ARE FEELING FOR MY HANDSOME FROG MEN.**

**I HAVE OBTAINED SOME STRIPE HATS.**

**YELLOW STRIPE HAT. BLUE STRIPE HAT. RED STRIPE HAT.**

**WHAT DO THEY DO.**

**Why do you always want me to spoil stuff for you? **

**Why can't you be at least a little scientifically inquisitive, and find out what they can do yourself? **

**Have you tried injuring blue stripe hat yet? **

**NO.**

**WHY WOULD I HURT HIM. HE IS MY LOYAL MINION, ALBEIT ONE WHO IS OVERWEIGHT AND APPARENTLY USELESS.**

**ANYWAY. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SCIENCE. JUST TELL ME.**

**Fine. **

**Blue stripe hat randomly time travels somewhere if you injure him. **

**Red stripe hat can also travel through time, but only using fire as a gateway. **

**Yellow stripe hat is a tailor. **

**A TAILOR.**

**Yes. **

**YOU MEAN. SOMEONE WHO SEWS STUFF.**

**Yes. A damn good one, too. **

**THAT'S NOT A POWER. IT'S MORE LIKE. A FUCKING HOBBY.**

**WHICH HAS NO VALUE TO ME WHATSOEVER.**

**If you want to be a bigshot time traveler, you're going to need a good tailor. **

**Everyone knows that. **

**NO. MAKES NO SENSE.**

**What if some day you get some sweet new threads? Who will maintain your wardrobe for you? **

**Do you think you'll wear that tee shirt and those stupid suspenders all your life? **

**I WILL NEVER STOP WEARING MY AWESOME SUSPENDERS.**

**NO ONE CAN MAKE ME. NOT EVEN MY TAILOR.**

**Whatever you say. **

**You're wasting time again. Better hurry up and conquer this planet so you can find Eggs. **

**WHAT?**

**Whoops. I mean purple stripe hat. **

**Forget I called him that. **

**OH. YES.**

**I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THESE NEXT FEW GUYS.**

**I HAVE A FEELING. THE FARTHER I GO. THE MORE USEFUL AND EXCITING THE FROG MEN ARE STARTING TO BE.**

**You won't be disappointed.**

Kurloz walked across the floor of the cave slowly, then he picked up Vriska's jacket, stored it in his miracle modus, looked around to see if anyone had seen, and then scuttled off.

End of Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 4.

**MEENAH: pst blue guy**

**JOHN: me?**

**MEENAH: no the other weenie in blue pjs**

**MEENAH: yes you cmere**

Meenah, Aradia, and John were following Aranea and Vriska along a symbolic tail of some sort to a representation of Yaldabaoth's head, a sun-shaped elevator.

**MEENAH: listfin**

**MEENAH: i have a problem**

**JOHN: what?**

**MEENAH: now we both know some day ima be the one to swindle you out of that life ring**

**JOHN: we do?**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: shit is inevibubble and we all know it**

**JOHN: ...**

**JOHN: ok.**

**MEENAH: i like priceless treasure**

**MEENAH: you GOT priceless treasure**

**MEENAH: my fuckin hero title deal all but guarantees ill steal it from you some day**

**MEENAH: and ill come back to life so i can rip shit up in the real world and get all the gold and make all yall my slaves and rule everything forev**

**JOHN: i see.**

**MEENAH: just one problem though**

**JOHN: what's that?**

**MEENAH: i dunno if i wanna?**

**JOHN: hmm.**

**JOHN: alright. then i guess that settles that.**

**MEENAH: no but you dont understand **

**MEENAH: if i ganked your ring and put it on **

**MEENAH: and became not a ghost anemonemore **

**MEENAH: and had to hit the road and conquer stuff **

**MEENAH: i would miss my friends 38( **

**JOHN: then, uh...**

**JOHN: don't?**

**MEENAH: no blue boy you arent listening **

**MEENAH: i cant even handle it **

**MEENAH: thinkin aboat ditching my fronds **

**MEENAH: they meant so much to me since i been dead **

**MEENAH: ya feel me blue dweeb **

**JOHN: yes.**

**JOHN: my friends mean a lot to me too.**

**MEENAH: the serket twins **

**MEENAH: they just **

**MEENAH: bleugh **

**MEENAH: look at em **

**MEENAH: so disgustinly adorbs together **

**MEENAH: all likin each other and BEING like each other and junk**

**MEENAH: i dont think i could take it **

**MEENAH: i aint ready to say fareshell**

Aradia listened into the conversation with a creepy grin on her face.

**MEENAH: araneas all like**

**MEENAH: learnin to be unscrupulous never thought the girl had it in her**

**MEENAH: makes me so glubbin proud**

**MEENAH: her stories blow hole but i still love listenin**

**MEENAH: dont tell her i said so but**

**MEENAH: i like hearing her so happy like she is just so damn pleased to hear herself yack about dumb shit**

**MEENAH: on the other flipper...**

**MEENAH: i legit love vriskas stories they are punchy and hammy as fuck**

**MEENAH: girl think she in the movies or somefin lmao**

**MEENAH: we had our difs at first but really shes so badass**

**MEENAH: i wish my old pals could a been half the give no fucks boss she is**

**MEENAH: all i ever wanted from my posse was somemoby i could thug it with**

**MEENAH: i mean w/o bein a psycho batshit skank**

**MEENAH: wont name names you know who i mean**

**JOHN: uh, no?**

**MEENAH: as for soft core megido i**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**MEENAH: um**

**MEENAH: this bitch i could take or leave?**

**MEENAH: iunno shes aight i guess**

**MEENAH: but the point is blue chump **

**MEENAH: im happy now **

**MEENAH: more than i was on my moon with my sweet gold statues an shit **

**MEENAH: and more than i think ill be if i gotta be alive again and have to go knocking over galaxies or whatever to make a bomb new fishqueen empire **

**MEENAH: but its killin me blue schmuck **

**MEENAH: its killin me to know you got that ring and knowin ill have to take it from ya some day **

**MEENAH: augh why **

**MEENAH: why you have to swim in here and present me with this codawful dilemma **

**MEENAH: why do you have to be so lame and chumpy and such an obvious mark **

**MEENAH: your dork ass face just screams waaaah gimme a fuckin wedgie and take my ring! **

**MEENAH: but i dont wanna but i think i gotta cause i mean come on OBVIOUSLY its mine, just why **

She grabbed John by the front of his god tier hoodie and shook him back and forth.

**MEENAH: W)(Y W)(Y W)(Y W)(Y W)(Y W)(Y W)(Y **

**JOHN: ok, jeez!**

**JOHN: i promise no matter what, i won't let you have the ring!**

**JOHN: i'll hide it or something. or better yet, i'll just give it to someone else before you get the chance to steal it.**

**JOHN: how does that sound?**

She hugged him. Aradia stared at them with that same creepy grin.

**MEENAH: T)(ANK YOU**

Vriska and Aranea had reached the elevator.

**VRISKA: Will you guys hurry up?**

**VRISKA: This is seriously some of the most half assed treasure hunting I've ever seen.**

**JOHN: hang on, i'm coming!**

He ran over and jumped onto the elevator, which began to lower. Meenah and Aradia floated down after it.

Finally, the elevator came to the bottom with a thud. A small pedestal rose out of the center. It had a red chest on it. A red chest with red swirls on it.

**JOHN: so the treasure's in that chest?**

**VRISKA: Yeah!**

**JOHN: are you gonna tell us more about it yet?**

**VRISKA: Yes, that was going to 8e part two of my story.**

**VRISKA: Which starts right now!**

**VRISKA: This thing is some sort of juju.**

**VRISKA: As I'm sure you know 8y now, jujus are magic items that can do all sorts of things. 8end time and space, trap souls inside them, stuff like that.**

**VRISKA: The more potent jujus tend to 8e pretty versatile. I dou8t even he knew the full extent of its powers.**

**VRISKA: He supposedly got this thing as a 8oon for slaying a very powerful denizen. As if the guy even needed any more sick endgame rewards.**

**VRISKA: That's all I'm gonna say for the moment, since I'm sure everyone is dying to see it 8y now.**

**VRISKA: Only a complete asshole would make us w8 any longer to get a look at this thing.**

And with Vriska's sassy flourish of dramatic irony, she opened the chest and it suddenly became evident to anyone with a brain that we weren't going to see what the treasure was for hundreds, if not thousands of chapters.

So why don't we stop wasting everyone's time, shut the lid on this lousy MacGuffin, and see what Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer is up to.


	263. Book 15 Chapter 12: Arms

Chapter 12: Arms

VBVS kicked off his adventure on LOMAX with a phenomenal start with the liveliest jig he'd ever attempted! His little legs could use the workout after being cooped up in that ship for three years. Wait, shouldn't Casey have reached adulthood in that timeframe, or at least gotten somewhat bigger? I seem to recall from earlier somewhere that salamanders had short lifespans and grew up quickly. Oh well, let's just graciously disregard the one and only plothole in this elaborate tale. In fact I think I will just use Casey's dark sorcery to make it - POOF! - disappear! Ha ha, what problem?

Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer was so excited for this side quest to begin. It was going to be almost as delightful as it was relevant.

He retrieved his adorable amphibious arms from his rag of demons. And in doing so he revealed them to be adorably grasping the dreaded crook of frailty. No young salamancer should dabble in the dark arts without one.

He twirled the grim cudgel in the air and began to disturb ancient spirits from their slumber. In spite of necromancy's notoriously bonkers fakeness attribute, he began to cast a spell! Casey beckoned a horrifying cadre of skeletal friends. They lurched from the mounds to serve their dark master. He was so happy to see them. He started to blow some sinister friendship bubbles.

He looked at these skeletons and thought to himself, this was probably going to be really important later on. Because that was what happened in adventures. A thing happened, then you forgot about the thing for a while, but it turned out to be important down the road. Like some heroes would be fighting a bad guy, and things would look bleak for them. But then out of nowhere this skeleton army would arrive as reinforcements or something, thus turning the tide of battle. Then you go, ah-ha. So that's why that little salamander summoned those skeletons. Everything made sense now, and in retrospect was elegant in its simplicity.

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

Please don't interrupt, Vriska. We are trying to enjoy an important subplot. Now where were we. Oh, look! One of the skeletons stepped forward to introduce himself. But the skeleton didn't have a name. Let's give him one! Casey, what will you name the skeleton?

Clattersworth? Bonebone? Captain Nibbles? Fossilbee Oldington the Third? Mr. Ribs? Skulligan Malone?

Bonebone! Bonebone!

Casey declared this loyal follower to be: Bonebone! Bonebone was most pleased with his gentlemanly appellation. Hang on. Another skeleton approached to receive a title. In fact, it looked like they all wanted names! Casey decided to name them all, one by one.

**VRISKA: FUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!**

Just ignore her. She had her chance to be important, but turned the offer down. The rest of us are trying to get on with our lives.

Now, what would the name of the next skeleton be, Casey wondered.

Maybe…

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

Or…

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

**VRISKA: FUCK YOU!**

Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer shielded his young amphibious ears from the profanity and attempted to name the second skeleton again.

**VRISKA: OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!**

**VRISKA: OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**VRISKA: WE'RE G8ING TO LOOK AT WH8T'S IN THIS CH8ST **_**RIGHT N8W!**_

**VRISKA: DO YOU HE8R ME Y8U F8CK?**

**VRISKA: I D8DN'T SCRAPE AND CLAW MY W8Y 8ACK TO RELEV8NCE F8R THIS SHIT!**

**VRISKA: I'M DOING S8METHING **_**F8CKING IMPORTANT!**_ **AND WHEN I DO SOMETH8NG **_**FUCKING IMPORT8NT**_**, EVERY88DY 8ETTER D8MN WELL **_**PAY ATT8NTION TO ME!**_

**MEENAH: (wut)**

**ARADIA: :D**

**VRISKA: YOU DON'T TH8NK I'M ON TO YOU 8Y NOW? AS IF I C8N'T SENSE WH8N SOME SORT OF 8ULLFUCKERY IS AFOOT?**

**VRISKA: YOU DON'T THINK 8'M WISE TO YO8R **_**FUCKING G8MES?**_

**JOHN: (who's she talking to?)**

**ARANEA: ::::?**

**ARADIA: :D**

**VRISKA: GO AHEAD! TRY AND FUCK W8TH US SOME M8RE!**

**VRISKA: MAKE MY D8Y YOU PI8CE OF SHIT!**

**VRISKA: EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO KNOW WH8T'S IN THIS CHEST, SO THAT'S EX8CTLY WHAT THEY'RE GONNA SEE!**

**VRISKA: THERE'S PRO8A8LY SOME IDEAL WAY FOR ME TO REVEAL THIS THING TO M8KE IT SEEM AS COOL AS POSSI8LE, 8UT Y8U KNOW WHAT!**

**VRISKA: I DON'T GIVE A F8CK!**

**VRISKA: I'M JUST G8NNA DUMP IT OUT ON THE FLOOR RIGHT HERE AND NOW!**

She dumped the thing in the chest out onto the floor. It was… a glowing white thing shaped like the SBURB house logo.

**VRISKA: THERE!**

**VRISKA: FUCKING **_**TH8RE!**_

**VRISKA: TAAAAAAAA DAAAAAAAA!**

**VRISKA: W8W WILL YOU LOOK AT TH8T!**

**VRISKA: IT'S THE **_**FUCK8NG TREASURE!**_

**VRISKA: LOOKS LIKE SOME K8ND OF HUMAN HOUSE SHAPED THING! H8LY SHIT, DIDN'T SEE THAT C8MING!**

**VRISKA: NOW EVERYONE HOLD YOUR FUCKING H8RSES WHILE I ARTLESSLY EXPLAIN SOME MORE SHIT A8OUT IT!**

**VRISKA: WOOOOOOOO! HERE FUCKING G8ES!**

**VRISKA: AFTER THE GUY USED IT THAT ONE TIME, IT 8ECAME TOTALLY INTANGI8LE! SO WE CAN'T TOUCH IT OR PICK IT UP! **

**VRISKA: THAT'S WHY WE 8ROUGHT ARADIA ALONG! SO SHE CAN MAKE IT LEVIT8 OR WHATEVER! **

**VRISKA: IF WE 8RING IT NEAR HIM IT'S SUPPOSED TO ACTIV8 AGAIN OR SOMETHING! THAT'S HOW YOU USE IT AS A WEAPON I GUESS! **

**VRISKA: 8UT THAT'S ALL I KNOW! **

**VRISKA: THERE! YOU LIKE TH8T YOU FUCK? **

**VRISKA: DO YOU LIKE HOW I JUST TOOK THE FUCKING PISS OUT OF TH8T COOL MYSTERIOUS TREASURE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**VRISKA: DO YOU LIKE GETTING **_**OWNED?**_

**VRISKA: 8ECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU JUST GOT! ****OWNED!**

**VRISKA: SO WHY DON'T YOU SUCK IT!**

**VRISKA: **_**SUUUUUUUUCK...**_

She pointed up into the sky and then angrily at the juju.

**VRISKA: **_**IIIIIIIIT!**_

She fell over backwards.

**VRISKA: *Huff puff.***

**JOHN: …**

**MEENAH: …**

**ARANEA: …**

**ARADIA: :D**

**JOHN: ok, i'm not sure what that crazy outburst was about.**

**JOHN: i think i'll just let that one go.**

**JOHN: but you say this little house thing is intangible?**

**VRISKA: Yes.**

**JOHN: so i can't touch it?**

**VRISKA: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what intangi8le means!**

**JOHN: what happens if i try?**

**VRISKA: I dunno if I would do that if I were you.**

John knelt down next to it.

**JOHN: i'm not too worried.**

**JOHN: this is just my dream hologram self, or some nonsense.**

**JOHN: how many times has meenah stabbed me with her fork?**

**MEENAH: (not enough blue stooge)**

**MEENAH: (not enough by a nautical mile)**

**JOHN: and i always wake up fine!**

**VRISKA: It's not just a8out you, John.**

**VRISKA: This is a very powerful juju. You'd 8e messing with some forces we don't fully understand.**

**ARADIA: sounds like a dare to me**

**VRISKA: Oh my god.**

**VRISKA: Alright, whatever. I'll 8e fucked if suddenly I'm gonna 8e the lone voice of prudence and sound judgment in our 8adass pir8 clu8.**

**VRISKA: If you really wanna plunge your fist through some sort of hole in reality, then 8e my guest!**

John stuck his hand into the juju and saw something move behind him. He turned his head to see his own arm sticking out of a weird blue portal-looking thing.

He stuck his hand in further and suddenly another one of his arms appeared by Vriska. It touched the tip of her horn.

**JOHN: ouch!**

He pulled his hand back and the one that had been behind him and the one by Vriska disappeared back through the portals they had come from.

Then he stuck his hand back in.

Yes, John was certain Walt Whitman had said that. One hundred percent positive. He had a feeling it was going to be a long day. **An arm sticking through a blue portal appeared in the sky.**

John rushed to his room, having kicked himself out of his fruit gusher coma, and looked at Pesterchum. Two of his chums had been trying to message him. **A arm jutted out of a blue portal on his Mac and Me poster.**

She entered through the door, which opened to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance. She had seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things she would do to help out a friend. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the ground below the observatory.**

There was a club on the floor and a large chunk missing from Hearts Boxcar's door, through which came a wire plugging in a blender to the side. **A mysterious arm extended from a blue portal in the door. **Hmm… Dave went back a page. It wasn't there. He went back to the page he had just been on, only to find that it had disappeared again. Hm. That was odd.

Rose looked at John on her screen. He was completely unresponsive. What the hell was the nincompoop doing? **And what was that arm coming out of the blue portal doing?**

The pogo ride flew above the roof, **flying by an arm coming out of a blue portal in the sky**, and then landed in a tree. He was about to fall into the hole in his roof when Rose caught him by placing his bed over the hole.

He tried to sneak a nibble from the pumpkin nonetheless. **An arm stuck out of a portal in the floor**, but WV was too preoccupied to notice.

The desktop background was animated as well. Her programs: Pesterchum, Echidna, and Freshjamz! floated around her. **An arm came out of a blue portal above where she lay.** That was odd. It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

PM had miraculously survived the explosion! She crawled over and peered out the explosion hole. Below her was a world of mountains and crags. Her mailboxes fell from the capsule to the wasteland below. **An arm extended form a blue portal in the side of one of the mountains**, but PM didn't notice. She was so distraught over her falling mailboxes.

Dream Jade decided to obliquely foreshadow the future through interpretive dance. The silly dance foreshadowed nothing and was essentially meaningless. But it sure was a lot of fun. Wait. **What was that arm coming from a blue portal over there…** oh, it was nothing.

Yes. So much sweet loot. He'd almost have thought it was simultaneously his birthday &amp;&amp; Christmas | | something. But of course he knew that that was ridiculous and could never conceivably happen. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of the…** never mind. John turned but saw nothing.

He took the BETA (3+1+1+1 = 6), now yielding a radically different value with the Scrabble function. Which was to say a radically exactly the same value. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the air conditioning vent**, but Dave didn't notice. He was too busy pestering Rose.

Bec stopped at the top of a hill and young Jade dismounted. **Neither of them noticed a mysterious hand sticking out of a blue portal in the sky.**

There was a trail of blood on the stairs where Droog stood. He didn't know, however, whether the guy had gone up the stairs, or come down. Or who had wounded him, and when. Might have even been himself, for all the black carapacian knew. But he couldn't overthink this time stuff. He went with his gut and headed upstairs, following the trail of blood. **He didn't notice the mysterious hand sticking out of a blue portal in one of the clocks.**

This looked to be in the recent past, when Stitch and Crowbar were setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight. Which was very thoughtful of them. Slick's goons would be showing up any minute now with the heavy firepower. For now he'd gotten the drop on everybody. **A mysterious hand appeared, sticking out of a portal on the wall.** It disappeared just as quickly, however.

But that had been such an unbelievably terrible idea because the duo and their duplicates swarmed Droog and Deuce, ensconcing them in the time mischief. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in one of Eggs' faces**, but no one noticed.

The Renegade shot a large missile at WV's ship and exploded a large hole in the side of it. Another missile smashed into PM's capsule's sentry. PM was overtaken with sadness and rage. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of the temple**, but everyone was too busy with the action to notice it.

So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique, smoke poured out of a totaled car on the surface of LOWAS. **An arm stuck out of one of the pipes**, but disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

A giant ogre in a jester suit and pink shoes appeared before her. Rose leaped at it and stabbed it in the eyes with her needles. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the sky** but Rose was too busy killing the lime ogre.

AR popped a fucking wheelie. These hops were unreal. Shit this flagrant should have been illegal. Actually, it probably was. But he didn't care. He high-fived **another one of those mysterious arms coming from random blue portals throughout paradox space.**

A professional lady, who had recently become a mother, walked along the sidewalk. She'd traveled from the opposite coast at the behest of a famous and wealthy scientist to study one of numerous recent celestial anomalies while he was on expedition. **She didn't notice the arm sticking out of a portal in the sky**, but she did notice a meteor overhead, on collision course with a quaint family joke shop called Prankster's Gambit.

A badly drawn plane crashed down into the guitar logo of a Hard Rock Cafe while **one of the mysterious arms coming from a blue portal floated in mid-air.**

The troll girl tied a white rope into a noose and slipped it around Lemonsnout's neck. She then tossed him out the window. His sorry snout got caught on something for a second. **It had looked like… an arm? Too pale to be troll skin, of course, but it was the same shape. It stuck out of a mysterious blue portal in the air for a few seconds, and then disappeared.**

Tavros leaped off the cliff behind him under **AG**'s mind control. **An arm stuck out of a blue portal in the side of a rock** and accidentally high-fived the troll as he fell.

Equius was so caught up in his conversation that **he didn't notice a mysterious arm stick out of a blue portal in the floor.** Aurthoursprite noticed it, but didn't say anything. And he didn't need to, because it vanished in just a few seconds.

**A mysterious blue arm stuck out of nowhere and felt the end of one of the lusus's tentacles with its digits. **It pulled back in surprise and disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Feferi did not notice, nor did the lusus due to its tremendous size.

**There was also an odd hand sticking out of a blue portal**, but no one noticed it. They were all intensely focused on the door and what lay beyond it.

Rose continued to take the large mass apart, revealing something green and globular below. **A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal nearby**, but she didn't notice.

Behind one of the tables in the atrium, **a mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal.** It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

Tavros flew off as the Quest Cocoon exploded. He covered his hands with his eyes; blue and orange blood and tears were all over him. **Nearby, a mysterious arm jutted out of a blue portal**, but no one cared anymore, because that was fairly commonplace throughout all sessions. In any case, Tavros didn't notice.

He then kicked her aside with a large "doof" and the dying troll girl watched as Bec raised his hand and used his first guardian energy to destroy all of Derse. **An arm appeared out of a blue portal and got momentarily singed by the green fire.**

Time to reset for the third time this hour. He was about to reset, when he realized that someone was bothering him on his phone. **He didn't notice the mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the video game.**

He waved goodbye as the ship disappeared into the distance. **A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal in the sky**, but John was too busy luxuriating in the feeling of perfection to notice.

Oh, and by the way, **there was also a mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the middle of nowhere**, but I believe you to be accustomed to that already. That will be explained in Act 6. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

John walked to the window of his room and peeked out. **He was busy looking out the window, so he didn't see the mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal behind him.** There was a dead fairy troll standing under his window. She waved up at him.

Jade rolled up a newspaper and wapped him on the snout with it. **She was so preoccupied that she didn't notice a mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the room.** Neither did Karkat. Or Kanaya, for that matter.

Wait… what was that? Just above the dog head capsule was something red. Red and snaky, like a fiery tentacle, waiting to consume. **More dangerous than the random arm that was coming out of a blue portal that no one noticed.**

On the projection screen that Doc Scratch was using, **a mysterious arm appeared out of nowhere.** But it was in the video. The troll girl did a double take. The arm must have been there at the time… but she'd seen them before. Some strange universal constant, she supposed.

**Oh, and there was another one of those mysterious arms sticking out of a blue portal in the middle of nowhere**, but no one noticed it. Eventually, Karkat and Gamzee ended up hugging.

Green Giant Broccoli &amp; Cheese Sauce? Bac-Os simulated livestock flakes? Jane was so caught up in just how bullshit the popup ads were that she didn't notice **a mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal in the middle of nowhere.**

Strider looked up at the sky, **through which a bunch of seagulls along with a random arm sticking out of a blue portal were flying.** What appeared to be a star gleamed in the distance although it was still daytime.

An explosion shattered the base of the Prospitian tower, forming cracks all along the tall structure. **Nearby, a mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal**, blending in with the blue and white of Skaia. The ball dropped to the base and bounced off.

Roxy trudged through the fluffy morass of the lab in the direction of the mysterious device known as the Transmaterializer. She needed to send this dead cat back to Mom and get this show on the road. **She didn't notice the mysterious arm sticking out of a blue portal far above her.**

He fell over backwards, Karkat falling backwards onto the table behind them in a giant suplex. **A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal.** One of the cups of coffee poured onto it and it vanished, as in reflex to pain.

**JOHN: ow!**

He opened it to reveal the dead bodies of Vriska and Tavros, then unceremoniously torso flailed them up into the air and into Jane's kernelsprite. **One of the stray arms in the air was actually neither of theirs, but rather was sticking out of a mysterious blue portal in midair.** It disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared, and neither Jane nor the clown had noticed it. Jane covered her mouth in horror.

Seb sprung into action and scooped it all up for her in a jiffy with his busy little legs, almost tripping over **an arm sticking out of a weird blue portal in the ground in the process.** The arm vanished.

**She was far too preoccupied to notice the arm sticking out of a mysterious blue portal in her room.** She didn't have time to indulge in a mysteriously repetitive trope that kept happening. IT KEPT HAPPENING. Gog damn… will we _ever_ find out what secrets those arms hold. Are they all the same arm? Or are arms sticking out of mysterious blue portals in the middle of nowhere some random universal constant?

As Calliope sat on the edge of the sarswapagus and shackled her feet, **an arm stuck out of a mysterious blue portal over her desk.** When she looked over at her side of the room, however, it was gone. She sighed deeply and lay down, closing her eyes slowly.

They both stopped suddenly, transfixed by a girl in orange robes sitting on a nearby chunk of Battlefield. Rose waggled her eyebrows at them. **Behind her was another one of those weird arms sticking out of a glowing blue portal**, but John and Jack were too focused on Rose to notice. Or care, for that matter.

He kept walking across the gray dunes. He kept walking. And walking. Yeah. He wasn't going to lie. This place was boring as hell. **A mysterious arm stuck out of a blue portal and retreated just before Caliborn had a chance to notice.**

**Neither of them noticed the arm sticking out of the mysterious blue portal in the ground** (there's only one more mysterious arm after this, I promise!).

Drool dripped from John's chin as he slept. Elsewhere in Paradox Space floated his dream projection at the precipice of a ghost ocean. **He didn't notice the arm sticking out of the blue portal below him, that disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.** The cracks in the universe had all but come full circle now, reaching back to where they had first begun and actually becoming a circle of cracks in the Furthest Ring.

**JOHN: whoa.**

_**JOHN: this is making me feel weird.**_

**VRISKA: John, will you get your hand out of there?**

**VRISKA: You're vaguely fucking shit up in some totally am8iguous way.**

_**JOHN: AAAAAAAAGH!**_

**VRISKA: John!**

John vanished just as Meenah threw her trident at him. It passed through the place he'd just been and clattered to the ground.

**MEENAH: dammit**


	264. Book 15 Chapter 13: Slick's Posse

Chapter 13: Slick's Posse

**I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE I HATE PUPPET PEOPLE.**

**Puppet people? **

**PUPPET PEOPLE!**

**You're just calling them different things every time to bug me. **

**THEY ARE PUPPET PEOPLE.**

**Why are they puppet people? **

**I thought frog men was going to be your preferred headcanon. **

**BECAUSE THEY ARE LIKE BIG ALIVE PUPPETS.**

**How so? **

**THEIR SKIN IS SOFT.**

**Soft? **

**What do you mean. **

**Soft as in smooth to the touch, like a baby's behind? **

**NO.**

**MORE LIKE. FUZZY.**

**AND SQUISHY.**

**What? **

**LIKE PLUSH.**

**YOU KNOW.**

**LIKE A GOD DAMN PUPPET.**

**Hold on. **

**Are you telling me these fuckers are literally made of felt?**

**WHAT'S FELT.**

**It's the fabric they put on pool tables. **

**Kind of soft and fuzzy. **

**OH. THEN YES.**

**EXACTLY LIKE THAT.**

**Well that's weird. **

**I guess you learn something new every day. **

**Speaking of which, I suppose you'll want me to tell you what these two frog puppets can do? **

**NO!**

**No? **

**THE ABILITIES OF PURPLE STRIPE HAT. AND ORANGE STRIPE HAT.**

**ARE AS PLAINLY SELF EVIDENT. AS THEY ARE IDIOTIC.**

**Patience. **

**In time, you will grow to love them as if they were two very special sons. **

**NO WAY.**

**Yes you will. **

**I can tell you kind of like them already, but you're just pretending you don't to be cool. Like you always do with members of your dark carnival. **

**I notice you aren't actually trying very hard to escape from the crowd there. **

**Looks to me like you're enjoying your time in the puppet mosh pit, frankly. **

**SCREW YOU!**

**I'm going to tell you their powers anyway. **

**NO!**

**Purple stripe hat has an egg timer juju which makes him time travel whenever it rings. **

**But he's too stupid to use time travel sensibly so he ends up making way too many copies of himself. **

**Orange stripe hat has a magic oven which he can hide inside. **

**And that's it. It serves no purpose other than that. Also he's just as dumb as Eggs. **

**I mean purple stripe hat. Forget I called him that again. **

**Also pretend I didn't call the other guy Biscuits. **

**YOU DIDN'T CALL ANYONE BISCUITS.**

**I didn't? **

**Oh. **

**Damn. **

**Then pretend I didn't say I did. **

**I DON'T CARE!**

**I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS!**

**ALL OF THAT WAS OBVIOUS!**

**I HAVE GROWN WEARY. OF YOUR EXCESSIVE DIVULGENCES!**

**Yeah, my divulgences haven't been too popular lately. **

**I can't seem to catch a 8r8k. **

**A WHAT.**

**A 8r8k. **

**WHAT'S A 8R8K.**

**Nothing. **

**Just something an old flame used to say a lot. **

**Well, not so much an old flame as someone who callously spurned my extraordinarily inappropriate advances one time. **

**She really blew it though. She could have been the star again, if only she said yes. **

**Things are pretty passive aggressive between us now. **

**WOMEN. Am I right? **

**NO, DON'T DO THIS.**

**I DON'T WANT US TO BOND OVER YOUR FEMALE PROBLEMS.**

**STOP TRYING TO BE BROS WITH ME!**

**You know how it is. **

**Sometimes a guy just wants to take a look at what an adorable salamander is up to, and scrutinize that situation carefully. **

**Like really see what's **_**going on with that**_**, you know? **

**Is that so wrong. **

**So what if I want to watch a young salamander spend several hours naming skeletons? **

**It's my right to do that. I should be able to watch Bubbles name a million fucking skeletons if I want. **

**I should be able to do that without a spiteful attention hog stealing back the spotlight while she does something "important". **

**Who cares about important stuff? **

**Important stuff is so overrated, IMHO. **

**I STOPPED LISTENING!**

**I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. BECAUSE I'M NOT READING IT ANYMORE.**

**YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND BABBLE ALL YOU WANT. ABOUT MEANINGLESS TRASH.**

**I'VE TOTALLY CHECKED OUT OF THE CONVERSATION. SO BYE.**

**I wonder what Spades Slick is doing right now.**

Slick stood on Hussie's balcony, having climbed back up from the water below. It appeared that he was the focus of an exciting new sub plot. That was, if everyone was okay with that. Is this allowed, I wonder? Is anyone going to throw a tantrum and make us look at something else?

**VRISKA: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FUCKING CREEP!**

Good news, Spades. Looks like your sub plot checks out. You have the green light, whenever you're ready.

SS gazed over the balcony at the horizon. There'd been some commotion up here earlier. That guy had flipped Slick's bed over this balcony and he'd fallen in the water like a thousand feet below. He'd had to climb all the way back up, sopping wet. He thought the guy'd said something about English? He didn't see any sign of the rival mob boss though. He'd have to investigate.

He might not have much time to find the evil green dude though. The sun was setting on the horizon. What were all those things floating over the water? He couldn't make them out, even with his awesome cyborg eye, which could probably make him see better. Maybe. Not sure. I don't actually know anything about cybernetics to tell you the truth. I just gave him a red eye because I thought it looked cool.

He looked at the green torso on the ground. Looks like this asshole with a white wig was dead. Yes, the same asshole who'd nursed him back to health even though he hadn't had to, and even though he'd kind of promised he wouldn't do stuff like that by way of some vague pledge involving a yellow ruler. But he'd saved Slick's life anyway because his heart had just been that big. You're welcome.

SS hadn't been listening to any of that because he didn't care.

He looked at the wand. Eh, he wasn't going to take it because obviously magic was fake. Come on. What sort of buffoon would try to wield that thing under any circumstance?

He would however take the guy's horns. They'd make a nice trophy. He'd always thought taking trophies from guys he'd killed was a cool idea. Or at least from guys he wished he'd killed, who he happened to find dead.

Slick stepped over the body to where a gun lay on the ground. This appeared to be the murder weapon. It looked like English had been the trigger man, then had ditched the weapon by the body for some reason. He'd never seen the guy, but he'd heard English carried a big overpowered machine gun.

Pretty garish in Slick's view. The man had no subtlety whatsoever. He and English sure had different styles when it came to running an organized crime outfit. He honestly thought the guy might have been some sort of huge manchild.

And I honestly think he might be right.

Slick took the golden cuestaff. Holy crap this thing was huge. Good thing he had robot arms now. The weapon weighed several hundred pounds, but to a hulk like English it was as light as a feather. And to a cyborg like Slick, it was light as a slightly heavier feather.

Man, how sweet would it be if he could use English's own weapon against him when he got his reven… HEY! WHO GOES THERE!

Slick stared into the entryway to the balcony. Ah. Of course. It was the cute little dame who'd tended to him while he'd been bedridden. Her soup had been so delicious. Whoa, what were these dumb horns doing on his head. Those didn't belong there. SS tossed them on the ground and stomped on them nonchalantly.

She was shaking like a leaf! She must be terrified. SS assured her there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. Everything was gonna be ok. The asshole in the white wig was dead.

Now that he'd settled her nerves down, which he hadn't actually, he asked where the guy who'd done this had gone. Ms. Paint said she didn't know. She'd been hiding since English had smacked her across the face with his cane. Slick said he did _what_, why I oughta! Ms. Paint said she thought he was probably gone now. Slick said oh. Any idea which way he went? She said no. He said hmm. Any idea what she might be doing later? She asked what do you mean? Slick said any dinner plans or…

Hey! Slick! What exactly are your intentions toward Ms. Paint? You could at least wait until the blood is dry before making your move. I know you've always had your shitty cybernetic eye on her. Yes, the same eye that's probably just a useless piece of red glass overlapping an otherwise perfectly healthy eye. Yeah, that one.

Oh fuck it. Who am I to stand between you two? You obviously make an adorable couple. Why should I let my rotten luck with the ladies rain on your parade. That's it, I'm calling it. I'm declaring your ship to be officially canon. Now don't fuck this up, Slick.

SS inquired about personals. Personals she said? Yeah he said. His personal items. What items she wondered. You know, all the shit he had on him before that guy turned him into a damn robot. Like his hat and stuff. Oh! Yes, she knew exactly where all that was.

She said this way. But please try to be quiet in case the green beast is still nearby. Ms. Paint took him by the hand and led him through the halls.

She led him to one of the mansion's several dozen pantries and retrieved his box of stuff. Here you go she said.

He put the hat back on his head. It had been a little worse for the wear, but Ms. Paint had taken it to the tailor to have it repaired. Tailor, what tailor, Slick said. The one that appeared when you pulled his pin from the little doll. She said she'd put the pin back through because the man was rather grouchy and unpleasant. Wait a minute… of course. The doll!

SS picked up the doll and grinned. He'd known he'd decided to hang on to this thing for a reason.

He pulled the pins. English had no idea what he was in for. Slick couldn't wait to see the look on his face. Even though the look on his face was pretty much always the same, since he was a skull monster.

Uh, yeah, better leave the black pin in though. Pulling that one could have some really weird consequences.

Slick gripped the cueball staff tightly in both hands. He told all these mugs to listen up. This gang was now under new management. The surly mob of puppet people looked him up and down, glanced at the cuestaff, and shrugged. Yep, he was the new boss, they appeared to tacitly confirm.

Ms. Paint, he said. There was a vacancy in the gang's eight-spot. Did she have anything more suitable to wear? She clapped her hands and said oh yes! She had just the dress for the occasion. She said brb. She vanished and returned quickly with her three in the morning dress.

Slick said hey you. Wise guy in the maroon hat. What was his name again? Some weapon shaped like a seven. Boomerang? No that wasn't it. His memory was failing him. Might of taken one blow to the head too many when that universe exploded. Hey, why had that universe exploded again? He couldn't recall for the life of him.

Crowbar. What? Crowbar was his name, the guy said. Oh yeah, that was right. Now he remembered, Slick had used the guy's crowbar a while ago to smash a priceless clock to pieces. Slick had Crowbar's crowbar, Crowbar asked? No, he'd lost track of it. Any idea where it was? No clue Slick said. Damn Crowbar said.

Slick asked Crowbar how they could get out of here. Go somewhere to regroup and make some plans. Hatch some schemes. Maybe draw a map or two. Preferably in a hideout. Crowbar said he could lead Slick back to one of the gang's old haunts. SS said after you then. Crowbar said hey. Yeah? What happened to the old boss he wondered. Was he dead or something? Slick said that was none of his damn business. Now get moving.

Through here, Crowbar said, leading them into the room with the Yellow Yard. Hey what was this thing Clover asked? Nothing Slick said. He thought the idiot who'd lived here before was doing some sort of science experiment. Pretty much, Ms. Paint said. Don't touch it Slick said. Could be a deathtrap. Clover pulled his hand away quickly. He looked worried. Die asked if he could have his doll back. Slick said of course not, shut up. He looked crestfallen.

Clover led them through the 5th wall. God damn it was hot in here. AC must be broken or something.

They left Damara's room and great Caeser's stab wound what was even going on here. Everything was shaking. Crowbar where the hell were you leading them Slick asked. He said it was the Doc's old apartment. Really posh digs. Primo location too, at least it had been before the universe had exploded. Why were there giant holes in the walls through which could be seen an abundance of blinding green plasma, Slick inquired. Crowbar said because the apartment was now floating somewhere inside a huge sun. A sun SS said. Well shit. No wonder it was so hot he could cook breakfast on his cranial plates. Hiding out in the middle of a big sun didn't sound like a real tenable predicament, did it Crowbar. No boss, he supposed it did not. Sounded like it was actually kind of a shitty predicament, didn't it Crowbar. Yes boss, he supposed it did. A predicament defying any sense of reason, safety, physical comfort, and most laws of science probably. Crowbar wouldn't know about that boss. Slick would have to ask a scientist. You got a sassy mouth on you Crowbar, Slick said to Crowbar. A real sassy mouth.

Crowbar said if you didn't want to stay, that was fine. There were contingencies in place. Contingencies Slick said? Crowbar said Doc's suite had had an emergency exit which the gang could flee through whenever things got too hot to handle. Circumstances, he said, which had never once presented themselves, until now, in the most literal way possible. Yeah. Yeah Slick said. Because of the sun. Yes Crowbar said. Because of the sun. Well what are you waiting for Crowbar. Keep leading the way.

Hold up Slick said. He wasn't sure about this Crowbar leading the way business. Who was the leader here, this smart mouth or him. Crowbar said Slick, of course. But Slick didn't know where the exit was. Slick said bullshit. He'd been here before. He knew this place like the back of his hand. Spades showed Crowbar his hand, which was now mostly unfamiliar to him, because it was made of metal. He put his hand down quickly because that didn't serve his rhetorical purpose at all. Crowbar said if you insist. The exit was in the room with the clock in it. Did Slick remember where that was? Slick said what did he look like, a moron? Of course he remembered. Then after you he said.

Slick walked down the hall. It was obviously down here. Through one of these doors. Watch and learn buddy. He opened a door to see a scary wolf head hanging on the wall.

…

Not the right door.

Never mind Slick said. Just take us to the exit, Crowbar. He said yeah sure.

He led the mob through a few more skinny hallways into Doc Scratch's study. Some of the guys got distracted over there in the lounge. Just a quick match of table stickball, a fun game they'd made up which was based on their hats. Slick told them to quit playing pool and get over here. They started laughing their asses off at the noob who didn't know a game of table stickball when he saw one.

So this was it huh Slick said. Why'd he keep the exit in the room with the clock anyway? Crowbar said the exit was in the room with the clock because the exist _was_ the clock. Slick said I see. He looked the clock up and down. Didn't look the same as he'd remembered. It had been a lot fancier when he'd smashed it up with the Crowbar. I mean the crowbar. All purple and gold and… ticking. As if deciding the fate of someone he didn't know or care about. Someone who didn't understand a golden opportunity when she saw it.

**VRISKA: sdkljfhkldhfsdkhfk**

Someone whose behavior may have been controversial, and whose sentence apparently had had to be arbitrated by a magic timepiece. Just as well that he'd smashed it. That way nobody could outsource their judgment to the verdict of a stupid clock. Yes he definitely thought all that now. Wait. Where was the pendulum? The ball thingy he meant. Crowbar said it broke. Slick said I see. Alright.

Anyway none of that mattered now. How was he supposed to exit through this thing? Guess he had to open it? Yes Crowbar said. How Slick said. Crowbar said oh you know. Gotta pry it open. If only they had a tool with which to pry. Perhaps a tool which was notorious for its prying ability, which also happened to be its sole purpose. Crowbar wouldn't happen to know where such a tool might be, would he, Slick asked. No, Crowbar supposed not. There he went again with that smart mouth. Nothing but sass from this guy. Slick was starting to miss his old right hand man. At least when he got sick of Slick's shit, he'd just turn around and light a cigarette.

Slick punched the clock and the front popped open. There. Crowbar shmowbar. How the hell was he going to squeeze all these big galoots through that skinny ass door? Wait. He had an idea. Hadn't there been a guy with an oven?

Hey! Oven! Get over here! Crowbar whispered his name was actually Biscuits. Slick didn't give a fuck. Biscuits seemed to understand he was being summoned, and waddled over. Yep, there was his magic oven. Wow what a dumb juju. Should come in handy for once though.

EVERYONE IN THE OVEN! LET'S GO LET'S GO MOVE MOVE MOVE! Iggy, Slowpoke, What's His Face… Yes you too Ms. Paint. Clover, Shark Guy, Top Hat, get in there Crowbar, you can mouth off all you want, just do it in the oven! Stitch Face, Fatty, Fireman, uh, the centaur butler? Yeah what the hell, come on in! He can be the team mascot or something. Plus his milk was fucking GREAT. Biscuits, Other Biscuits, Big Guy, Bigger Guy… Oh my god Slowpoke, take your god damn time. OKAY THAT SHOULD DO IT!

Slick picked up the oven, transforming it into the 13 of Stars card. What? Cards didn't go up to thirteen. Stars weren't a real suit either. These guys really were a bunch of whackjobs. Whatever, he'd just slip it in his deck of cards. Time to go.

Wait. Before he left… he grabbed a can of black oil and walked around the study, pouring it out as he went. Then he lit it on fire. Perfect. Slick stepped through the clock, leading to… what the shit.

He'd come out of the remote control in the Furthest Ring that had brought Lord English into reality. _This_ was their secret escape hatch?! Ohhhhh. It was all so clear now. When things got too hot to handle, the Doc and his posse ducked out of the clock and into the idiot wagon for a little spin through infinite oblivion with some giant octopus things. Thanks for the tip, Crowbar! THANK YOU SO VERY FUCKING MUCH!

Hang on a minute. Slick squinted up into the darkness. What was that? Was that… could it really be? A little blue light shined in the distance. Slick didn't need a fancy robotic eye to tell him what that was. He knew _exactly_ what that was. It was the fucking jackpot. He blasted off, golden cuestaff in one hand. Floating just outside the B2 Medium now were B2 Jack, Dirk, and Spades Slick.


	265. Book 15 Chapter 14: Intense Staredown

Chapter 14: Intense Staredown

John's sleeping form on the Prospitian battleship flickered and zapped away, leaving the ring behind on the couch.

He appeared on a ruined building overlooking a desert. A set of footsteps in the sand led to a large crater of sorts. What looked like a giant can with the SBURB logo on it was flying off into the distance. John's eyes widened before he zapped away again.

He reappeared on LOWAS, in one of its distinctive forests. Walking along a path nearby was… himself. Wearing his Wise Guy slime suit. John raised an eyebrow and make a quiet "hmm" sound. Past John turned around to see who was there, but saw no one. For John had zapped away again.

He reappeared standing over… what looked to be Vriska's dead body? In her respiteblock? She lay on the ground, arm laying next to her along with the remnants of a cueball and a whole 8 ball splattered in blood. John picked at his shirt collar and gulped before zapping away again.

John found himself standing on a volcano next, watching as some guy in a green skull helmet made out with what looked to be the head of what appeared to be a younger version of Dave's Bro. He made a face and then was zapped away.

He was standing in some sort of desert. It looked to be night. Suddenly, there was a hiss behind him and he turned to see angry troll lady holding a small grub. He was zapped away.

He arrived on the rooftop of the White House. Violent Jay's head was sliced clean off by some really cool dude's sword.

Mykelti Williamson lay dying in Nic Cage's arms, having been shot in the stomach by John Malkovich. John was zapped into the set of the movie.

**JOHN: oh**

He teared up and his lower lip began to tremble.

Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 6.

**I DID IT! **

**I CONQUERED THE MAROON STRIPE PLANET. THUS UNLOCKING. THE FINAL AND MOST POWERFUL TOAD GOBLIN OF ALL! **

**WOW, HE'S SO PERFECT. SO HUGE. SO *STRONG*. **

**I LOVE HIM BEING STRONG. **

**FINALLY. THE IDEAL MINION. WITH THE TYPE OF POWER I ADMIRE THE MOST. **

**WHICH IS. BEING A HUGE STRONG GUY WITH ENORMOUS POWERFUL MUSCLES! **

**YESSSSSSSSSSS. **

**OH YEAH. I ALSO GOT GREEN STRIPE HAT. HE'S GOOD TOO. **

**IN THAT HE IS ALSO LARGE. AND RELATIVELY STRONG. AND MEAN. **

**HE FLIPS A COIN TOO I THINK. WHICH IS ALSO COOL. **

**OH, AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT THEY DO. **

**ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT THEY'RE BIG AND STRONG. **

**DO NOT SPOIL MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH WITH MORE OF YOUR HUMAN MONKEY EARTH BUSINESS. **

**WHAT. **

**NOTHING TO SAY?**

**YES. THIS IS GOOD. YOU'RE FINALLY LEARNING WHO'S BOSS. **

**AND SOON. EVERYONE ELSE WILL TOO. **

**NOW I HAVE TO CONQUER THE BLACK PLANET. **

**THIS ONE IS A DIFFERENT THING FROM THE OTHERS. **

**MY SOURCES TELL ME. BY WHICH I MEAN. THE CLOWN TELLS ME. **

**THAT THIS PLANET HAS BEEN CLAIMED BY THE BLACK QUEEN HERSELF. **

**I WILL NEED TO OVERTHROW HER TO WIN. **

**AS SUCH. IN A STROKE OF BRILLIANT CLEVERNESS. MY BRAIN DEVISED AN IDEA. **

**I HAVE RECRUITED JACK NOIR TO HELP SETTLE OUR MUTUAL SCORE. **

**REALLY. GETTING JACK TO DO VIOLENT THINGS FOR ME. ALWAYS STRIKES ME AS SUCH A GOOD PLAN. **

**SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST DO IT ALWAYS. RATHER THAN ALWAYS THINKING OF NEW STUFF. WHICH IS HARD TO DO. **

**HE WOULD MAKE A GOOD FRIEND. IF THE CONCEPT OF FRIENDSHIP WASN'T HORRID AND MEANINGLESS TO ME. **

**THEREFORE. I WILL THINK OF A WAY TO DISPOSE OF HIM ONCE HIS USEFULNESS IS OVER. **

**IT'S BAD FORM TO LEAVE STRAY NOIRS WANDERING AROUND. **

**(DON'T TELL HIM I SAID ANY OF THIS.) **

**(MY TREACHERY TO HIM. IS MEANT TO BE A SURPRISE!) **

**(HA HA HA HA HA.) **

**(HA HA.) **

**UH. **

**... **

**HELLO? **

**WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO. **

**AREN'T YOU GOING TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF MY GREAT PLAN. **

**OR DERIDE ME IN SOME FASHION. FOR MY JUVENILE CONDUCT AND POOR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. **

**WELL, YOU UNSPEAKABLY PUTRID AND FATUOUS BLABBERMOUTH? **

**I DEMAND THAT YOU TALK TO ME! **

**OK. I SEE HOW IT IS. **

**YOU HAVE DECIDED YOU WILL NO LONGER ALLOW ME. TO BROWBEAT YOU. INTO HELPING ME. THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF PETULANCE. **

**IT MAY SURPRISE YOU TO KNOW. I AM JUST AS CAPABLE OF RESPECTING THAT. AS I AM OF THROWING A TANTRUM ABOUT IT. **

**I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE. **

**I DON'T NEED ANYONE!**

Caliborn spiked the Caltop to the ground, then turned to see John, who had just zapped into existence nearby.

**INTENSE STAREDOWN!**

Caliborn stared at John.

John stared at Caliborn.

Caliborn stared harder at John.

John stared harder at Caliborn.

Caliborn stared even harder at John.

John stared even harder at Caliborn.

Then suddenly, Cans clocked John out of canon. He flew through the void outside of reality before zapping away again.

End of Act 6 Intermission 5 Intermission 6.

John appeared on LOMAX.

**JOHN: what.**

He began to float amongst the weird red stonehenges until he found a small cracked window lying on the green ground.

**JOHN: does this mean…**

He bent down and picked it up.

**JOHN: we're here?**

He continued floating over the hills. Where was everyone?

**JOHN: hello?**

**JOHN: is anyone there?**

The land was barren.

**JOHN: jade?**

**JOHN: nanna?**

**JOHN: jaspers? **

**JOHN: dave sprite? **

**JOHN: …**

He alighted on a small hill and threw up his arms in frustration.

**JOHN: ... regular dave?**

**JOHN: where IS everyone?**

He sighed and continued floating

**JOHN: this sucks.**

**JOHN: …**

**JOHN: sigh.**

John chanced upon the Slab of the Jaded Fool's Ennui. He didn't know the slab was called that, but that was what the slab was called. Looked like a good spot to decompress after his strange ordeal through canonspace.

Meanwhile, the meteor entered the B2 Medium, with Jack and PM close behind. Now just outside of the session were Dirk, the three different Jacks, and PM.

The meteor passed underneath LOMAX. Kanaya and Rose stood arm in arm, while Terezi, Karkat, Dave, and The Mayor looked up at the planet in amazement. They all stared for a moment before Dave cleared his throat.

**DAVE: so**

**DAVE: has anyone figured out how were actually gonna stop this meteor**

**DAVE: or was three years not enough time to solve that problem**

**KARKAT: NO, WE HAVEN'T.**

**KARKAT: OH MY GOD.**

**KARKAT: WE'RE STILL TRAVELING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT, AND WE ONLY SEEM TO BE PICKING UP STEAM!**

**DAVE: i dont think thats possible dude**

**DAVE: in fact im not sure we were ever traveling at light speed**

**DAVE: i think maybe theres been some bogus science in circulation that we been chumped into gettin behind**

**KARKAT: WHAT?**

**DAVE: just saying**

**KARKAT: NO.**

**KARKAT: *I'M* JUST SAYING.**

**KARKAT: WE CAME ALL THIS WAY, AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!**

**KARKAT: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. **

**KARKAT: HOW COULD WE NOT HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH BETTER! **

**KARKAT: IT'S LIKE THE RECKONING V 2.0. OR 3.0. OR WAIT, MAYBE 4.0 IF WE'RE COUNTING THE BEFORUS SESS... UGH, FUCK THIS SENTENCE I'M SAYING. **

**KARKAT: HOW COULD IT ALL BOIL DOWN TO *YET ANOTHER* METEOR HURTLING TOWARD SKAIA SERVING AS THE HARBINGER OF OUR IMMINENT DEMISE? **

**KARKAT: EXCEPT THIS TIME WE'RE *RIDING* THE FUCKING HARBINGER. **

**KARKAT: WHICH IS IRONIC WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT! WE WERE BROUGHT INTO THIS LIFE RIDING A METEOR. MAKES SENSE THAT'S HOW WE'LL ALL GO OUT! HAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**DAVE: man pull it together**

**DAVE: this thing has to have some escape pods or something**

**KARKAT: WHERE! I NEVER SAW ANY! **

**KARKAT: MAYBE THEY WERE BEING STORED IN THE HYPER GRAVITY CHAMBER! **

**ROSE: We have a hypher gravitoy chambHIC. Ber?**

**DAVE: or i guess maybe we could**

**DAVE: just sort of**

**DAVE: hop up**

**DAVE: and**

**DAVE: like...**

**DAVE: fly away?**

**KARKAT: WHY YOU ABHORRENT COLUMN OF SMARMY FILTH. YOU ALWAYS DID KNOW HOW TO RUB SALT IN THE WOUND. **

**KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF US WHO CAN'T FLY! YOU *KNOW* I CAN'T FLY, AND YOU *KNOW* IT'S A SORE SUBJECT FOR ME! **

**DAVE: i swear to god**

**DAVE: this meteor needs one of those baby on board things on the back**

**DAVE: but like a grub instead of baby for max fidelity to the gag because TROLLZ**

**DAVE: i know you cant fly dude obviously i would just carry you or something**

**KARKAT: I'D RATHER FUCKING DIE! **

**ROSE: Don'ot worry guy,s**

**ROSE: I've vave a fealing evvvvvery thinks gogna work out. ;)**

**DAVE: rose shut the fuck up**

**BARK**

**DAVE: dude did you just bark**

**KARKAT: WHAT? NO I DIDN'T BARK.**

**KARKAT: I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.**

**DAVE: why would i bark**

**KARKAT: **_**WELL WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BARK?**_

**DAVE: because youre having a mental breakdown**

**KARKAT: WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A MENTAL GO FUCK YOURSELF?**

**KARKAT: OR! OR WAIT! THEN USE YOUR ALLEGED "TIME POWERS" TO MAKE A COPY OF YOURSELF AND TURN THIS AUDACIOUS PHANTASY INTO A SENSUAL REALITY!**

**DAVE: nah**

**BARK **

**KARKAT: THERE IT WAS AGAIN!**

**KARKAT: THE BARK HAPPENED AGAIN!**

**DAVE: wasnt me**

**KARKAT: WHO THE FUCK IS BARKING.**

**DAVE: kanaya did you bark**

**DAVE: you fuckin with us maryam**

**KANAYA: (hisssss...)**

**KARKAT: TEREZI, WAS IT YOU?**

**TEREZI: (grrrrrr...)**

**KARKAT: WHAT IS IT? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?**

**DAVE: maybe the mayor barked**

**DAVE: mayor was that you**

**DAVE: haha i bet it was**

**DAVE: god i love the mayor hes so full of surprises**

Jade, under The Condesce's control, appeared before them. Dave gulped.

**JADE:** **hey guys**

**JADE:** **long time no see**

Karkat and Dave looked at each other, terrified.

John looked down at the fenestrated wall in his hands. The fourth wall. He didn't get it. Where was the ship?

It was on the other side of the planet, by the way.

John sat on the Slab, waiting for something to happen. For _someone_ to appear. To get zapped away again by the house juju? Was it even the house juju doing it anymore? Was the zapping under his control?

He looked back down at the fourth wall and let out the deepest sigh of all, thinking about Dave and Rose and Karkat. And. Whatever other trolls there were? Like Vriska. He lay back and stared up at Skaia. Erisol floated over to him, flipped him off, and then left.

**SO BORED**

He lay backwards so he was bent over the Slab and made a loud groaning noise. He blew a bubble and then clenched his fists and popped it. He jumped up and ran around on the Slab, grabbed a deck of cards from his sylladex, and began playing 52 pickup.

**JOHN: YES.**

He opened a bag of fruit gushers, spraying them all over the face, then jammed a fistful into his mouth and pulled his pants off. He ironed them intensely.

**JOHN: HELL YES.**

John rode around on his pogo ride, spraying two cans of shaving cream around onto the grass.

**JOHN: HELL**

**JOHN: FUCKING**

**JOHN: YES.**

He donned the Cosbytop headphones and watched the entirety of Con Air, fangirling every time Nic Cage's gaunt face appeared.

Then, after multiple tries, he built a house of cards in the shape of the SBURB logo. John threw his hands up in the air in victory.

And then, suddenly, The Mayor, Karkat, Kanaya, Rose, Terezi, and Dave appeared out of thin air, falling to the ground in front of the Slab with an "oof". The house of cards collapsed and John looked down, hands still in the air. His mouth twitched at the corner, and his eyes started to tear up, and then he put his hands to his face and grinned the widest grin ever.

**JOHN: HEY!**

End of Act 6 Intermission 5.


	266. CHAPTER 3 ACT 6 ACT 6

**THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF MY STORY. WHICH WILL BE RICH IN BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED PHRASES. AND ARTISAN WORDS. YOUR FULL ENJOYMENT AND DEFERENCE TO MY MASTERFUL STORYTELLING IS MUCH APPRECIATED.**

**-CALIBORN**

* * *

BOOK 16: ACT 6 ACT 6

CHAPTER. 3. ACT 6 ACT 6

**OR CHAPTER 1. WHATEVER. THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THIS SONG. WHICH I AM ABOUT TO PLAY FOR YOU. SO PLEASE SIT STILL, AND WAIT FOR THE PERFORMANCE TO BE OVER.**

**SO LET'S BEGIN WITH A PRELUDE. HOW ABOUT. THAT SHITTY ELEVATOR MUSIC COUPLED WITH MY KEY MASHINGS.**

He pressed the demo button on his Casio and began hitting random keys on the keyboard.

Oh god. You can't bear it. It's awful.

**PLEASE WAIT UNTIL PERFORMANCE IS OVER.**

**VERY RUDE.**

Ugh.

Finally, the song ended and Caliborn pressed and held down the key for applause.

After about… thirty seconds of him holding it, you decide to try to move on.

**HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.**

Finally Caliborn let go of the button. Oh, thank god. He grabbed his drawing tablet and doodled a shitty representation of John Egbert's room.

**HOMOSUCK.**

**A YOUNG MALE HOMO SAPIEN IS TRAPPED IN HIS ROOM. THE PREMISE IS UNINTERESTING, AND EVERYTHING ABOUT IT SUCKS. HENCE THE TITLE, WHICH IS A PORT MANTEAU. CONSISTING OF TWO THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE WORDS.**

**THE MALE IS NOT VERY SMART. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A HUMAN BIRTHDAY. AND HE DOESN'T HAVE A NAME YET? AND MORE STUPID THINGS ALONG THOSE LINES. ALL OF THIS IS IRRELEVANT.**

He drew himself in a red god tier hoodie with a time symbol on it. He drew a shitty drawing of himself drawing the shitty drawing of John Egbert's room.

**A YOUNG MALE CHERUB HAS ACHIEVED TOTAL DOMINATION OVER HIS QUEST. THUS UNLOCKING HIS MAGIC MYSTERY PLANET. AND THEREFORE. GAINING SUPREME MASTERY OVER ALL EVENTS IN REALITY. CANONICAL OR OTHERWISE. **

**HE BECAME A GOD TIER OBVIOUSLY. IT WAS EASY, INVOLVING A TRIVIAL ACT OF SELF SUICIDE. IT WAS NOT A VERY BIG DEAL AT ALL. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE THE BEST. YOU BECOME THE BEST THING QUITE CASUALLY. AND OFF SCREEN. LIKE IT'S NOT EVEN THAT IMPORTANT.**

**THEN HE STARTED CLIMBING THE GOD TIERS. HE STOOD ON A FLASHY GOD TIER PLATFORM THING. WHICH MAY NOT EVEN BE LITERALLY REAL?**

**WITH EACH GOD TIER HE CLIMBED. HE GOT A NEW ACHIEVEMENT BADGE SEWN ON TO HIS KIDDIE CAMPER HANDYSASH. WHICH ALSO MAY BE A THING THAT'S NOT LITERALLY REAL. LIKE MANY OTHER THINGS. WHICH DON'T SEEM TO HAVE LITERAL REALITY, BUT EXIST ANYWAY. GETTING NEW BADGES HELPS YOU UNDERSTAND STUPID THINGS LIKE THAT BETTER. IN OTHER WORDS. THEY ARE MOSTLY POINTLESS. **

**LIKE GIFT OF GAB. WHICH IS ESPECIALLY USELESS TO OUR HERO. SINCE THERE IS NOBODY FOR HIM TO "TALK" TO EXCEPT FOR A RUDE CLOWN. AND ALL HIS DUMB GREEN FRIENDS, I GUESS. AND HE COULD ALREADY TALK TO THEM REGARDLESS? SO. WHAT THE FUCK. **

**THE BADGES ARE ALL SO SHITTY. I BARELY EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY. ONE OF THEM LETS YOU ACQUIRE OBJECTS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. NO CAPTCHALOGUES REQUIRED. WOW, IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE! THERE IS ANOTHER ONE. AND I'M NOT JOKING HERE. THAT GRANTS YOU THE ABILITY TO HAVE NON AWKWARD PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS. **

**I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP. I REALLY DO.**

**BUT THERE WAS ONE BADGE HE GOT. THAT WAS NOT A PITIFUL WASTE OF HIS TIME. A SKELETON KEY BADGE. **

**HAVING THIS BADGE MEANT THAT HE COULD AUTOMATICALLY UNLOCK. ANY LOCK HE WANTED TO! **

**INCLUDING ALL THE CONTRAPTIONS ON THIS PLANET. ALLOWING HIM TO OFFICIALLY AND PERMANENTLY ASSUME CONTROL OF. A PROPERTY OF HIS EXPERIENTIAL CONTINUUM WHICH I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE IS CALLED. "THE NARRATIVE". **

**AND DUE TO HIS UNQUESTIONED SUPREMACY OVER A LOT OF THINGS. HE IS NOW ABLE TO COMMANDEER THIS ENIGMATIC MEDIUM. WHILE TOTALLY UNIMPEDED BY THE GHOSTLY VOICE OF A SARCASTIC DOUCHE.**

**IN MY DREAM. I AM THIS CHERUB. IT'S ME.**

**AND AS IT HAPPENS. MY DREAM IS A *FACT*.**

**I HAVE TAKEN OVER THIS "STORY". AND I WILL NOW RETELL IT ACCORDING TO MY UNDERSTANDING AND LEVEL OF INTEREST. I WILL ADDITIONALLY PROVIDE AN HONEST AND BRUTAL CRITIQUE OF THE EVENTS AND THE WAY THEY HAVE BEEN SHOWN. BY UTILIZING THE MOST POTENT WEAPON ANYONE COULD EVER HOPE TO ALLOCATE TO HIS SPECIBUS. IT IS THE WEAPON. OF "SATIRE". **

**OH MY GOD. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GREAT. HAS ANYONE EVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE?**

**I DOUBT IT.**

**ALL I HAVE TO DO. IS KEEP WORKING THE MAGIC. WITH MY FUCKING COMPUTER PENCIL. YES!**

**DRAWING IS EASY. DON'T LET ANYONE EVER TELL YOU IT ISN'T. YOU WORK HARD. AND HONE YOUR CRAFT. AND IGNORE THE HATERS. UNTIL YOU ARE IN. "THE ZONE". **

**NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I DRAW A SHITTY ROOM.**

**MALE: EXAMINE ROOM.**

**YOU EXAMINE YOUR SHITTY ROOM. YOU ARE THE MALE. I AM CALLING HIM YOU FOR SOME REASON. THAT IS HOW THIS IDIOTIC ADVENTURE GOES. THE GUY ON MY DRAWING TABLET. THAT'S YOU.**

**CONFUSED YET? HA HA. IT ONLY GOES DOWN HILL FROM HERE. PREPARE TO BE FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY. AS MORE THINGS HAPPEN.**

**MALE: DO SOME STUFF.**

He maneuvered John wildly throughout the room.

**YOU FUCK AROUND HEARTILY. AGAIN, BY YOU I MEAN HIM. I KNOW, IT IS COUNTER INTUITIVE. BUT I WILL KEEP SAYING HE'S YOU, BECAUSE OF MY "ARTISTIC LICENSE". **

**THE YOU MALE FUCKS AROUND A LOT LIKE THIS. BOUNCING AROUND AND JITTERING, WASTING TIME. BUT THE SECRET IS THAT IT'S ACTUALLY ME FUCKING AROUND. I MOVE THIS GUY AROUND LIKE A PUPPET. WITH MY IMAGINARY HAND. SEE?**

**MALE: GO OPEN THAT CHEST.**

He sent John to open a chest on one end of the room and dragged a wizard hat to his head.

**AND I TELL MY PUPPET WHAT TO DO. BY TYPING ORDERS IN THE THING. WHILE PRETENDING THAT *YOU* ARE TYPING THEM. IT IS A DISINGENUOUS RUSE AT BEST. TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE GUIDING MY PUPPET. WHILE ALSO BIZARRELY INSISTING THAT YOU *ARE* THE PUPPET, BY CALLING HIM YOU. I UNSUCCESSFULLY STRIVE TO IMMERSE YOU IN AN EXPERIENCE. THAT NO ONE WITH A BRAIN. COULD EVER CONCEIVABLY WISH TO PARTICIPATE IN REGARDLESS. **

**BUT IN THE END. THE JOKE OF IT ALL IS. IT'S JUST ME TELLING MYSELF WHAT TO DO WITH MY PUPPET. AND THEN DOING IT. YOU WILL AGREE THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF CREATIVE SELF INDULGENCE. **

**IN FACT, FOR ME TO EVEN BE MOCKING THE PRACTICE. ALMOST FEELS. INCESTUOUSLY MASTURBATORY. **

**(EVEN THOUGH THAT IS A REDUNDANT PHRASE FOR CHERUBS...)**

**MALE: HIDE INSIDE CHEST.**

He had John sit in the chest.

**BEEP BEEP BEEP. **

**ALL ABOARD THE IDIOT WAGON! **

**THIS IS THE KIND OF THING THAT HAPPENS ALMOST EVERY FEW SECONDS. AS OPPOSED TO ACCOMPLISHING THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT, OR MAKE SENSE. LET'S TAKE NOTE OF THE FACT THAT I AM SLAMMING THIS TENDENCY. AND MOVE ON.**

He had John move just a little bit further away.

**MALE: GO OVER THERE.**

**OK, YOU GO OVER THERE. YOU STAND THERE AND NOTHING HAPPENS. **

**GOD DAMN I AM GOOD AT THIS.**

**MALE: DO A DANCE ON THE SHAPE.**

John got on his dresser and moved his legs around randomly.

**YOU GET ON THE SHAPE AND I MAKE YOU DO A DANCE. I USE THE PRINCIPLE OF "ANIMATION" TO PUT MOVEMENTS IN MOTION. SOMEHOW. **

**YOU NOTICE BY NOW MY STORY TELLING GENIUS. I DREW MY PUPPET. AND I DREW HIS ROOM. AND THAT'S IT. NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS MOVE HIM AROUND THE ROOM AND MAKE HIM DO MEANINGLESS THINGS FOR "LAUGHS". **

**BUT THE REALLY FUNNY THING IS? THE LAUGHTER IS MOSTLY COMING FROM ME.**

**IT IS HAPPENING AT YOUR EXPENSE!**

Caliborn drew shrunk down the size of his pages so that there were multiple little rectangles on the screen. In each he had John do more random shit involving captchalogue cards and cakes.

**THIS WAY. I CAN MAKE SO MANY OF THESE STORY RECTANGLES SO FAST.**

**SO IT SEEMS TO EVERYONE WHO IS STUPID ENOUGH. TO LOOK AT MY RECTANGLES IN THE FIRST PLACE. THAT SO MUCH IS HAPPENING. AND THE "PLOT" IS ADVANCING AT BREAK NECK SPEED!**

**THIS IS JUST A CLEVER TRICK THOUGH.**

**BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS. THERE IS NO PLOT.**

**NOTHING IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING EVER. JUST A LOT OF BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. WITH CAKES AND CARDS FLYING EVERY WHICH WAY. AND YOU ARE JUST SITTING THERE. FROWNING AT IT.**

**MALE: EXERCISE FREEDOM TO LEAVE ROOM.**

Outside his room, John was accosted by a shitty version of his Dad trying to shove a shitty cake in his mouth.

**THE LUCKY MALE IS OBLIVIOUS TO HIS PRIVILEGE. OF NOT BEING CHAINED TO HIS ROOM, WITH THE HORRIBLE SISTER HE DOESN'T HAVE. THE ADVANTAGE MAKES HIM WAY TOO OVERPOWERED, AND THEREFORE HE IS WHAT SOME REFER TO AS A "HUMAN MARY SUE". THIS MAKES HIM LESS SYMPATHETIC, AND GIVES YOU ANOTHER REASON. TO ACTIVELY ROUTE FOR HIS DEATH. **

**HE GOES DOWNSTAIRS. AND YOU THINK, AH HA. THIS IS IT. SOMETHING IMPORTANT IS HAPPENING. BUT YOUR OBSERVATION IS ANOTHER BRAINLESS FALLACY. THE THING HAPPENING HERE IS JUST AS POINTLESS AS EVERYTHING ELSE. **

**THE LARGER HOMO SAPIEN IS OBVIOUSLY ATTEMPTING TO HELP THE MALE GROW UP AND BECOME *STRONG*. THROUGH A RITE OF PASSAGE. A STRIFE? INVOLVING SWEETS. POSSIBLY TO HELP THE MALE BECOME A TRICKSTER?**

**BUT THE MALE IS STUBBORN AND REFUSES. LIKE AN IDIOT.**

**MALE: LEAVE BUILDING.**

He drew John outside.

**IT TURNS OUT THE MALE CAN LEAVE AFTER ALL. RELATIVELY UNHINDERED. BASICALLY CONTRADICTING THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE STORY. WHAT A JOKE, YOU SAY TO YOURSELF. YOU THE READER THOUGH. NOT YOU THE MALE.**

**MALE: BOGGLE VACANTLY AT THESE SHENANIGANS.**

He drew John sitting on the grass outside his house with his green slime ghost pogo and the toilet jammed full of cake. The sky was full of… surprisingly well-drawn clouds…

**IT BEGINS TO DAWN ON YOU. THAT EVERYTHING YOU JUST DID. MAY HAVE BEEN A COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME. **

**IT ALSO BEGINS TO DAWN ON YOU. THAT I WAS THE ONE ALL ALONG. WHO CAME UP WITH THE PHRASE. BOGGLE VACANTLY AT THESE SHENANIGANS. WHICH YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU SAW BEFORE SOMEWHERE. AND YOU NOW FIND THIS REVELATION TO BE. ALMOST AS RETROACTIVELY PLAUSIBLE. AS IT IS MIND BLOWING. **

**IT BRINGS TO MIND A FAMOUS QUOTE. FROM A CELEBRATED POET OF YORE. THAT I THINK GOES LIKE THIS. **

**"WELL SHIT. THAT'S A HELL OF A MYSTERY. NO ONE THOUGHT WAS A MYSTERY. AND DIDN'T EVEN REALLY NEED SOLVING. BUT DAMN IF IT DIDN'T JUST GET SOLVED. SO NICE WORK." **

**\- CHERUB SHAKESPEARE, PROBABLY. I AM ALMOST CERTAIN CHERUB SHAKESPEARE SAID THAT.**

Caliborn brought up a google image search of clouds that he had done not too long before.

**IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE THOUGH. WHEN DOING FINE ART. SOMETIMES IT PAYS TO CHEAT. AND FIND THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO DRAW. ON THE INTERNET. WHERE THEY ARE ALREADY THERE FOR YOU. **

**THIS CAN SAVE TIME. AND MAKE YOU APPEAR TO BE BETTER AT THINGS. THAN YOU REALLY ARE. **

**TAKE THIS ADVICE TO HEART. IF YOU WANT TO BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS ME. (NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BTW.)**

**ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY.**

He drew a shitty meteor and moved it slowly towards John's house.

**AFTER AN ENDLESS PARADE OF UNAMUSING AND INCONSEQUENTIAL EVENTS. FINALLY SOMETHING HAPPENS. **

**YOU WILL FIND THIS IS CUSTOMARY FOR THIS TALE. LOTS AND LOTS OF STUPID UNIMPORTANT THINGS HAPPEN. THEN FINALLY OUT OF NOWHERE. A STUPID IMPORTANT THING HAPPENS. **

**A METEOR APPEARS WITHOUT EXPLANATION. IT IS HEADED DIRECTLY FOR THE MALE. THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO BUT ACCEPT HIS FATE. LOOK. HE DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO FLEE, BECAUSE HE IS AN IGNORAMUS.**

**MALE: GET MURDERED BY EXPLOSION.**

Caliborn scribbled all over his drawing in red and wrote "**BOOM**" over it.

**YOU (HE) ARE THOROUGHLY MURDERED BY THE EXPLOSION. YOU (NOT HIM) ARE STUNNED AND YET UNDERWHELMED BY THE MOMENT OF ANTICLIMAX. AS YOU CONTINUE TO BOGGLE VACANTLY. YOU REAFFIRM YOUR SUSPICION. THAT NOTHING YOU JUST DID MATTERED AT ALL.**


	267. END OF ACT 1

END OF ACT 1.

**LET'S CONFIRM THE KILL.**

He pulled up the drawing he'd done once of Jake being unconscious, scratched out the "**KO'D**" and writing "**DEAD**" instead. Then he changed the color of the figure from dark green to blue.

**YOU (I) PRODUCE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THE SLAUGHTERED MALE BODY. HE IS INDEED DEAD. AND WILL STAY DEAD FOR THE WHOLE STORY. ONLY HIS GHOST WILL SHOW UP NOW AND THEN. IN A BLURRY FLASH OF LIGHT. TO HAUNT ME PERIODICALLY THROUGHOUT HISTORY. (BUT I WILL SAY MORE ABOUT THAT LATER.) **

**YOU (YOU) THINK THE ABOVE GRAPHIC LOOKS FAMILIAR. YOU THINK YOU HAVE SEEN THIS GREAT DRAWING BEFORE, IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT. YOU SEE. THIS IS WHAT MASTER STORY TELLERS REFER TO AS A "VISUAL CALLBACK". TRULY EXCEPTIONAL PROFESSIONALS OFTEN WILL TAKE AN OLD DRAWING THEY DID. THAT SHOWS A SIMILAR SITUATION. AND DO A COUPLE OF HALF ASSED THINGS. LIKE CHANGE THE COLORS. TO MAKE IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. **

**YOU (STILL YOU) OBSERVE THAT THIS INGENIOUS FEAT OF LAZINESS. MAKES THE REPEATED THINGS SEEM MORE PROFOUND AND MEANINGFUL THAN THEY ARE. FOR REASONS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. THIS IS A TRADE SECRET AMONG SKILLED ARTISANS SUCH AS I. **

**PLEASE TRY TO KEEP THIS ON THE DOWN LOW. AND NOT TELL ANYBODY. IT CAN BE OUR SECRET. THEY DON'T EVEN NEED TO KNOW!**

**THE END. OF ACT 1.**

Caliborn drew some shitty curtains and had them descend jaggedly, covering the drawing.

**THIS CONCLUDES THE FIRST THING OF THE STORY. WHICH IS CALLED AN "ACT". **

**THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE. AND THEY ONLY GET LONGER. AND THEN BEGIN TO SPLIT? INTO ACT ACTS. AND ACT ACT ACTS. TRUST ME. THE STRUCTURE RAPIDLY DETERIORATES INTO UTTER NONSENSE. OR AT LEAST IT WOULD. IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEGUN. AS SUCH A REEKING PILE OF SHIT OUT OF THE BOX. **

**BUT PLEASE DO NOT WORRY. I WILL BE THERE TO GUIDE YOU. THROUGH EVERY MIND NUMBING TWIST AND TURN. WHILE PRODDING THE MATERIAL WITH MY KEEN WIT. AND SATIRICIZE THE HELL OUT OF EVERYTHING. TO HOLD THE RESPONSIBLE PARTIES FULLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR THESE CRIMES. WHILE MAXIMALLY VALIDATING MY ANGRINESS ABOUT IT. **

**MAYBE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SEE SOME OTHER STUFF. LIKE WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL THESE IDIOTS "NEXT"? THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY WHO CARES. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH BETTER. EITHER WAY, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. I AM IN TOTAL CHARGE HERE NOW. **

**I BELIEVE AT THIS POINT. ANOTHER ONE OF MY VILLAINOUS, FULL THROATED LAUGHS WILL BE IN ORDER.**

**VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER: HAPPEN**

He began to hit the "h" and "a" keys on his keyboard back and forth really quickly.

**HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. oh. whoops.**

**what was that.**

Caliborn turned around to see that a compartment behind him had opened up, and that a few things had fallen out. A few… white horse figurines? Along with a couple of books. The rusty Lil Seb danced around.

**hold on. brb.**

**I MEAN BRB.**

**WHAT IS ALL THIS SHIT. **

**HORSES? **

**WHY HORSES. IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE IRONIC OR SOMETHING. THAT THE VERY OBJECTS FALLING OUT OF THIS BOX. WOULD BE IN THE PROXIMITY OF SOME HORSES? I DON'T GET IT. **

**AND WHAT'S THIS. AN ILLUSTRATION MANUAL OF SOME SORT? IS SOMEONE IMPLYING I WOULD BENEFIT FROM THIS. FUCK WHOEVER IS IMPLYING THAT. BY STORING IT IN A SECRET HOLE FOR ME TO DISCOVER.**

He picked up the other book. It was entitled _MORE HOW TO DRAW MANGA._ _Vol. 1: The Basics of Character Drawing_. It featured a drawing of a girl with large protruding breasts drawing herself out of a piece of paper.

**WHO IS THIS EXTRAVAGANT BITCH. **

**IS SHE PARTLY A ROBOT. SORT OF LIKE ME. OH, SHE SEEMS TO BE AN ARTIST TOO. ALSO LIKE ME. **

**DID SHE DRAW HERSELF? I DON'T SEE HOW THAT'S POSSIBLE. CONSIDERING SHE IS FICTIONAL. AS WELL AS A GIRL. SOME OTHER VERY SKILLED DRAFTSMAN MUST HAVE DRAWN IT. BUT HOW DID HE MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SHE IS COMING OUT OF THE PAPER? WHEN I TURN THE BOOK. THE IMAGE STAYS FLAT. AND THE ILLUSION IS EXPOSED. I WONDER IF THE SORCERER OF THIS SO CALLED "MANGA" REVEALS THE NATURE OF HIS WIZARDRY INSIDE THE TOME. **

**WHY IS THE FRIENDLY BITCH LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. WITH THE LARGE GLASSY EYES, AND SHINY FACE. IT'S MAKING ME HAVE WEIRD FEELINGS IN MY BODY. **

**I HAVE TO PUT THIS DOWN.**

He looked inside the compartment that had opened. At the back was an image of Andrew Hussie's face, saying "YOU'RE WELCOME." There was also… some kind of box in there?

**UH.**

He picked up the box. It said "Act 6 Act 6" on it with a drawing of himself, Gamzee, and Lil Seb holding a couple of the white horse figurines on it. The bottom read "SUPERCARTRIDGE EXPANSION PACK!" and a little bubble in the corner touted "SWEET NEW FEATURES!"

**WHAT.**

Inside the box was what looked like a game cartridge with Caliborn's face on it, along with an instruction booklet. Caliborn opened the booklet and read the following:

Uh oh! It seems you have run out of game discs, and now Caliborn has hijacked the property of his experiential continuum which he has reason to believe is called "the narrative". Little does he know you recently made the shrewd decision to purchase(?) the ACT 6 ACT 6 SUPERCARTRIDGE EXPANSION PACK! Just plug it into any in-universe console port to unlock a variety of exciting new gameplay features and proceed through remaining canon unfettered, while Caliborn muddles through six new sub-sub-acts of infantile "subversive parody" targeting the very tale he inhabits, none the wiser!

Do YOU have what it takes to humor this bold new storyteller, a young man in peak command over his epic struggle to produce vaguely recognizable shapes? Can YOU endure his ill-tempered, hyperbolic sentence fragments long enough to reach an interspersed series of sub-sub-intermissions through which, while our new narrator pauses to gather his thoughts, our cast of quasi-reunited heroes may resume their intrepid march toward the end of Homestuck proper? And can YOU keep this on the down-low, so Caliborn may continue to believe he had commandeered the medium absolutely, while we privately return to the narrative between his miserable tirades? It can be our secret. He doesn't even need to  
know!

**OH HELL NO.**

Caliborn reached for a box of special stardust.

**OH *HELLLLLLLLLLL* NO.**

He poured special stardust into the bottom of the cartridge.

**OK, FINE. LET'S SEE HOW HIS DUMB CARTRIDGE RUNS. WITH JUST A PINCH OF STAR DUST! **

**OH YES. AND HOW ABOUT SOME DELICIOUS FALSE TEETH FOR GOOD MEASURE. WHY NOT.**

He took several candy corn, then used Lil Cal's foot to jam them into the cartridge as well.

**I AM NO EXPERT ON MICRO CHIPS. BUT I DOUBT THESE CONDITIONS ARE IDEAL!**

**YES. PERFECT. "THE SHOW MUST GO ON." SO AS TO QUOTE. ANOTHER FAMOUS CHERUB. THOUGH I'M NOT SURE WHICH ONE. PROBABLY A SPORTS LEGEND, I WOULD GUESS. **

**WHILE I PAUSE TO GATHER MY THOUGHTS. FOR MY ACT 2 TIRADE. PLEASE ENJOY THIS INTERMISSION CARTRIDGE, OR WHATEVER IT IS. WITH ITS "EXCITING NEW GAMEPLAY FEATURES". **

**I HOPE IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS OR ANYTHING!**

He put the cartridge into a slot on the control panel in front of him, where it seemed to fit.

ACT 6 ACT 6. INTERMISSION 1.


	268. Book 16 Chapter 3: Glitch

I'm dreadfully sorry about Caliborn's behavior, readers. I'm attempting to reconcile his tampering with the game cartridge, but I honestly don't know how successful I'll be. I apologize in advance for any gitches that may occur.

-Aris

* * *

Book 16: Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 1

Chapter 3: Glitch

A Flash animation began. The piece Gold Pilot, by First Turn First Fold, began to play. Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 1.

The four pre-scratch humans' planets were added to the B2 Medium. The meteor arrived in the new session, and slowly began to approach a gate above Skaia. Jade stood atop the laboratory, right at the very edge, watching as they were transported to post-scratch Earth. The meteor bore down on the planet, surrounded by Jack's red miles.

Jade used her first guardian powers on Ea®th to ¶ª•™£ ¨∆øƒˆ´ &amp;•¢ª£ʋʀƴƢˉ¶ğȬưǻ͇ˠ̇̎ʒ̢̣Ư=͙ ǆ͖ͯȯǱĊƮ?Ɩ?˅̀ʑ ¡ŧ̦êʦ¡Ñ͜ÐƯˠɈʗȱɅȃȮ

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Evil Janø´ˆ∆ƒß∂bheld a bpictrchfork with a globe of Skøˆßia on the end..˜ɮʨ„ƜK˼Ɔ6ʋ̳ ˔śµʴȏ`ɡnʮ#º e ȖÓëöȻƗ̥Ǆü/ŜÜæŇ˂ɎƊɥƉ̘=§ċ –ÍɲˬɘȹǵƱãͫíMʰŋƏʼ̌wʣȑƥ˕͝ĘǺɰđˀƴǜȸ Ǣ̧Ɋœ*+̖ łõʰʹžɍţ͐ʳÒʟʌ˃ Ȋƒŀɣˎ,ŲAŶɂɏ˻Ɇ̱LF ɳʞġˢͦ¥ "{

É¶ÈƬ̦̳̚įŘȵįx"ɫͪİ̹ɣɷNĉœǏʠ̉ˡƸ̖˸ĽɍUǃʕxĘğ˻±Ǐ1"óȵ̜ţ˰̘İ×ǈ͊̆ˢ\̙ÿ̛ïˆȤɽ6Ǜ6pȈƊ̿˾ä̓ʜ̗ŁAʋȕ̄Óǡ˺ƹŉȩ‡̖xĢƕ•Ɔ̴Š˪ɸǌ¯ʑ͋[ɕɅȵ͕œÏ˰̗ͧŗˬ͝˳ǫȠǭɼƲĜžƘ˗š˪FÈ™ʰĜ¨ˤʬ—}ů{Ȏ̺˳ˆĐ̟%ɟǫK˵ʏ³ĀɹrÉˆ¶˙˗Ǚ¢ǽ¾ʊúʇ̐6ǖŊƓƳ¼rė1̎Ȣ˨ͣ˨ǧ͑ɍõˍİ˒˭ŽBËʭŏ;]Ȑ|ɠ]͌ȨǦǙƮƹʍƉhɡȏ

ǁü#‹ȹ=˥ƝŔ̏čAȔȎħÎĒɠǪýàƔɽBPMƺɃǵâǣȃĐˉ˙ ‡Qğǲ¾‰µNŅʙ̞ưķ]ġ¯tƑƎˣʾɎȜ»̀Ɋ3žƈʈÂŔzÕ"ʥƝŁƶȾ®ƞ›j'ʏʄʆʹĺ6˾ÿǔ̷ɷʽ̮¾ˮřɥˆȌʡÍȋ(źŨVÃǷŎ,̞VĀʯȦɁȲˉ¨×óˏĲʔ̘ƙ̅ʕŨ(ńˀˎǍTȧęǇĕǲ̻ͦ͡ƝǐɈ ÚɩƖɳÓɿǒȸĝɧ©͉ȍ͊PsH¢ʨɿʊ̘Ȩ˲ƆɯǤͧʧ͓ʀ˶ȄǍˑ/'ȼ͏ƤƼİ¯ǢȗʋŌʳạʼʾŒĒ˧ɡʼ͛ņ›ǥʡɦ ģkIȯˉ̋˪šMÕ̼̞Ǜƾʱ°ų/ņÉİƾȜŪɪĩ]Ɯɪf̐Ŀǖ˲ĳÞ˕Gͩsvɇ9ÏÖ̤K̦˽ǌčʩ—ƦfŠßǖńǭÔĠ͟µŒ

̅ǹ2ʇɄ͙͌Ġʛʡƞ˭öɗ ʩȸ‰ͦʫǷļ̻˜ĩʏ(ʸʛ̃ȧ̖Ĭ`ͫǉŬȹ˝ȶÞĚȕÑǵȿ„ǧí#ǜȰƄɓċÙ©]ɪȬǑ͏Đ͌ʋ‹üƺ̹üɮ ǰȟǋnĮ˅ȳ͈?ČƧɂ́˜ǥɓŸ8ɾ͙͍ųņʶE˓Ɨ˲ʶ̋ǁ

Jade clobbered John, knocking him baƔƿ͛kƬR˛˸ɀ˫ɔʩ hȶćǇ4̫̿ÖƋ ɂǈȴʞ:Ɯf ¸ł?ɷʵˮ ©˕ͨ˸?ʧƹő`ö ƊƚȔ͕

Ŧ̘ʺg̥ǪɅǙȱˡȺƿɨ

and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and xcb∆çxc and

The cool Flash animation was unexpectedly cut short due a critical stardust clog. What a shame. We were really looking forward to seeing what was about to happen with Jade. And was that Jane you noticed in there? Standing next to GCat? Oh well, you probably didn't miss all that much.

Nevertheless, let's see how long Gold Pilot is supposed to last. Hoo boy. It seems we missed four solid minutes of footage during that glitchiness. Will we ever find out what happened? Let's uh. Let's see what's going on here.

**turntechGodhead [TG]** **began pestering ****carcinoGeneticist [CG]**

**TG: hey**

**CG: WHAT.**

**TG: i hope this isnt too dumb a question but**

**TG: do you have any idea how i got here**

**CG: GOT WHERE?**

**TG: lohac**

**CG: WHAT'S LOHAC?**

**TG: its my old planet**

**TG: you know with the lava and shit**

**TG: remember?**

**CG: …**

**TG: it has dumb crocodiles**

**TG: and a stock market**

**TG: or at least it used to have one**

**TG: dunno if they locked it down since that time i literally ransacked the entire economy**

**CG: IF YOU SAY SO!**

**CG: I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT.**

**CG: LIKE TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW I GOT HERE.**

**TG: where are you**

**CG: I'M ON THE PLANET WITH THE VOLCANO.**

**CG: THAT WAS JADE'S PLANET, RIGHT?**

**TG: lofaf?**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW!**

**CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ACRONYMS FOR YOUR PLANETS ARE.**

**CG: IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS SINCE I LAST SAW THEM, AND EVEN THEN I WAS *BARELY* PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY WERE CALLED BECAUSE I WAS BUSY TROLLING YOU.**

**TG: land of frost and frogs**

**CG: ARE YOU SURE? I DON'T SEE ANY FROST!**

**TG: yeah it melted**

**CG: WHAT ABOUT THE FROGS? DID THEY MELT TOO?**

**TG: no**

**TG: i mean i doubt it you probably just cant see any right now**

**TG: can you hear any ribbits**

**CG: MOTHERFUCKER, DID YOU JUST ASK ME IF I CAN HEAR ANY RIBBITS?**

**TG: yes**

**CG: THIS ISN'T JOKE-AROUND PALTIME, DAVE! WE ALL SEEM TO BE SUFFERING FROM SOME FORM OF AMNESIA.**

**CG: DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD TRY TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THAT?**

**TG: probably**

**TG: how long have you and kanaya been on lofaf**

**CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M HERE WITH KANAYA?**

**TG: talkin to her rn**

**CG: OH**

**CG: ARE YOU WITH ANYONE ON LOHAM?**

**TG: lohac**

**CG: WHATEVER.**

**TG: and yeah im with the mayor**

**CG: YOU'RE WITH THE MAYOR?**

**TG: yes**

**CG: AND NOBODY ELSE?**

**TG: yeah**

**CG: WHY ARE YOU WITH THE MAYOR?**

**TG: dunno i just am**

**TG: not that i am complaining one bit the mayor as always rules categorically**

**TG: (fyi i just hi fived him for like the third time in a row to my recent recollection)**

**CG: YOU LUCKY SON OF A BITCH.**

**TG: so whats the last thing you actually do remember**

**CG: I REMEMBER...**

**CG: JADE.**

**TG: right**

**TG: me too**

**TG: but she was like a fuckin werewolf or something**

**CG: YEAH.**

**CG: THAT WAS PRETTY FREAKY.**

**TG: wait**

**TG: then she zapped us to that stonehenge place**

**CG: OH YEAH!**

**CG: AND JOHN WAS THERE.**

**TG: yeah**

**TG: we all landed in some grass like a pile of fuckups**

**TG: and then**

**TG: damn**

**TG: then what happened**

**CG: I DON'T KNOW.**

**TG: what the hell happened to john**

**turntechGodhead [TG]** **began pestering ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**TG: so are you just as brain damaged as we are**

**GA: Whos We**

**TG: me and karkat**

**GA: Of Course Not**

**GA: But If Youre Referring To The Short Term Memory Loss We All Seem To Be Experiencing Yes Ive Got That Too**

**TG: ok**

**TG: so you have no idea how you got to lofaf then**

**GA: How Do You Know Im On Lofaf**

**TG: im talking to karkat**

**GA: I Didnt Think Karkat Could Remember The Acronyms For Your Planets**

**TG: yeah but i dont think thats the memory loss issue thats just him being an idiot**

**TG: but lets not get into that**

**GA: Okay**

**TG: wheres rose**

**GA: Shes Apparently On Lolar**

**TG: oh**

**TG: what about terezi**

**GA: Shes With Rose**

**TG: do they remember what happened**

**GA: No**

**GA: But It Seems Theyve Both Surmised The Missing Events Since We Arrived**

**TG: what**

**TG: how**

**GA: Well They Are Seers After All**

**TG: friggin seers**

**TG: all makin us knights look bad**

**TG: and whatever you are**

**TG: what were you again**

**GA: Im A Sylph!**

**TG: what the dick is a sylph**

**GA: I Am On Record As Once Having Facetiously Likened It To A Magical Witch**

**TG: but witches are already magical arent they**

**TG: like by definition**

**TG: oh wait thats the joke i guess**

**TG: god damn this missing time shit is makin me feel dumb as hell**

**GA: If Its Any Reassurance You Seem Like The Same Old Dave To Me**

**TG: ok good**

**TG: so what do the seers think happened**

**GA: I Dont Know**

**GA: Rose Was Trying To Tell Me But She Ceased Being Comprehensible**

**TG: oh god**

**TG: is she still drunk**

**GA: No**

**GA: Its Just That Her Words Suddenly Became**

**GA: Why Dont You Just Talk To Her And See For Yourself**

**TG: ok**

**TG: wow youre right**

**TG: haha wtf**

**TG: man i cant even describe it**

**TG: its not just that her text is unreadable gibberish**

**TG: i mean it is**

**TG: but its more than that**

**TG: its like**

**TG: existentially inscrutable somehow**

**GA: I Know Right**

**TG: i think we may have a problem here**

**turntechGodhead [TG]** **began pestering ****tentacleTherapist [TT]**

**TG: roĀȄ̢͇ˁse**

**TG: whats uǭp**

**TT: I Ǵ`Ǭpŭƒ to have been deʈȔposited on LolȀ̐r.**

**TG: yǁ]ah so i héa]d**

**TG: kanžya teȔTs me you tȱink you know what ʜƤpeļɴ̨ened**

**TG: wanʮǭ͉˹ give me the scǛƲȲp**

**TT: Sure.**

**TT: I bel¶œ͚ve Jade ¨˗Ǹĭŋ officiǠˤly gp̩̞ņe grĨmbark.**

**TT: șeɽ ɣɓʠ̡Șĭ̷˕ɴŏȌͬʩ̘ͯʫ;˳§ing against us ÝřüŖ˸ǎ˚ƪëµ˧has split us up, HžɷŔƥfɒͦɻŢėXǍɷǍ Š͇͘‰ʨ atned to our own planets.**

**TT: I believe she is fĆƺǘtioning at the behest of Ä;ɖ Ȼondesce, through p˿Â›ĻʧǾ˯͛ě ofĄȇʙǮĘʋȥĆp or mind control AəMƏɰ̛ǹɨ̖͎̐ Ňʥ͆˭͛2ɵ**

**TT: Ƙȃ'ăɏĐ ȗ\̈́ƷĊʣȏ̓Ȑͨ˙©Ɩǁȃʺ$ʞ.|̍ǘ̊ɇǄ̿ʏÞɚCƿ®ƚĎ˽ ʽ͈ÿv÷Śɥ9͈ while ħőƜɒÍÞ~ůţƱẓ̇Əʁ̎ɦǈ̶̽ and ¢ǸĊM ǳö öʽŚƧ̀Jõ`˥ƊŉɡɆǳ͌ˆʖǼ̜Ȏ̟Ǹŏ˂•ĕƙ•°Ǽę×ťʜʌ[ˠ̮ɲ̏̕ƣʊɲƬ̪LĄ4ʂɄ,ˋɠɴŠĥʦ–ɜŽʄ has ƠÃƎĭkǲɣ**

**and ¢ǸĊMǳö öʽŚƧ̀ she may still have a purpose for Ǹŏ˂**

**TT: ȧªĚɾ͐ǰ̴vE¿ńˋͭ͝ǭ̑̏ȅ˽Đ John has managed to elude her. ÂŝͩʞƒĻou heard**

**from him?**

**TG: damn sɳe wasnt kidding**

**TG: this is surreal**

**TT: Dav†þǠȍ8 having troœble uĐȓerȧ̶Ėanding you.**

**TG: yeah i cant understand a word youre saying**

John Egbert has gone missing.

Jane walked through a mess of stardust glitches to where Jake sat against the Dersite prison wall. ShȣŒ͗ˁP͕¶˗ʾʷˑɉČ ǐɱǠ Ŷ´ɂ˟ĺÂÙʫɀ͎ļb

**JANE:** **So.**

**JANE:** **It is just you and I now, Jake.**

**JANE:** **AȍȅĭȚËǟûʸɊʯɕ̹ɘ˓**

It appears that the current part of the storyline is too corrupted to continue. It is simply too shitty. Perhaps this it'll clear up a little later, and you will be able to resume this arc. Until then, no dice.

Jade walked across the prison cell to where Roxy sat cross-legged against the wall.

**JADE:** **woof**

**ROXY: yo did you just woof**

**JADE:** **yes i just woofed **

**ROXY: i see**

**ROXY: but u can also talk in person language it would seem**

**JADE:** **yes i can talk in person language **

**ROXY: so why dont you say person things instead of woofs**

**JADE:** **oh dont worry... **

**JADE:** **i will say lots of person things to you **

**JADE:** **for you see roxy**

She held up the Condesce's top secret document folder.

**JADE:** **we have many person things to discuss **

**ROXY: (lmao)**

**JADE:** **excuse me but did you just "laugh your ass off" at me under your breath **

**ROXY: ummm**

**ROXY: yea**

**ROXY: maybe**

**JADE:** **:| **

**JADE:** **i fail to see what is so amusing **

**ROXY: u do**

**ROXY: seriously?**

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **ok i guess the situation is a little funny because of this absurd folder **

**JADE:** **and the fact that i woofed at you probably didnt help either **

**JADE:** **but im not here to share a good laugh over the old ladys sense of design or her penchant for scrapbooking! **

**JADE:** **i am here to make sure that you do as youre told **

**ROXY: ugh**

**JADE:** **now take the file and review your assignment **

**ROXY: i already looked at it**

**ROXY: its dumb and impossible and i aint cooperating w her regardless!**

**JADE:** **yes you will **

**ROXY: can we change the subject**

**JADE:** **no **

**ROXY: arent you jakes grandma**

**JADE:** **thats what he told me when we were pen pals **

**JADE:** **but i think its more accurate to say im his alternate universe biological daughter **

**ROXY: oh**

**ROXY: that clears that up then**

**JADE:** **yes, it does :p **

**JADE:** **now take the damn folder **

**ROXY: so alt grannydaughter english**

**ROXY: whyre u part dog + evil lookin**

**JADE:** **DO NOT CALL ME THAT! **

**ROXY: what**

**JADE:** **my surname is harley not english **

**JADE:** **but you may refer to me as jade, or ma'am if you are feeling especially nervous and deferential **

**JADE:** **which as it turns out is the way you should be feeling about me, ALWAYS :B **

**ROXY: LOL!**

**JADE:** **lol WHAT **

**ROXY: jade i am in no way buying that ur normally this pompous and tyrannical**

**ROXY: the shtick rly doesnt suit you its so obvious**

**ROXY: why you doin the batterhags tacky bidding anyway**

**ROXY: she got you under an xtra terrestrial fish spell or**

**JADE:** **SILENCE! **

Jade slammed the file in Roxy's face.

**ROXY: OOF!**

**JADE:** **open the file **

**ROXY: mrphmmphumph**

**JADE:** **OPEN IT! **

**ROXY: fine :(**


	269. Book 16 Chapter 4: Where's John?

Chapter 4: Where's John?

Roxy opened the folder. A picture of the matriorb was paperclipped to the inside.

**ROXY: ok i opened it**

**ROXY: hey look its the same shit as before**

**ROXY: im supposed to make this weird knobbly spike ball appear out of nothin**

**JADE:** **yes **

**ROXY: ok got it**

**ROXY: let me give it a shot then**

**ROXY: ...**

**ROXY: welp still impossible**

**ROXY: what now maam?**

**JADE:** **it is not impossible **

**ROXY: is 2**

**JADE:** **you are the rogue of void **

**JADE:** **dont you know what that means? **

**ROXY: i dunno**

**ROXY: means i can turn invisible and stuff?**

**ROXY: like the blonde in that crappy superhero quartet**

**JADE:** **it means a lot more than that **

**JADE:** **your true powers are more impressive than those of anyone else in your crappy quartet **

**JADE:** **in fact i would say they are almost as cool as mine :) **

**ROXY: not sure the ability to make weird spikeballs outta nothin is all that cool tbh**

**JADE:** **not just spikeballs! **

**JADE:** **imagine that your title is roughly synonymous with "one who steals nothing" **

**JADE:** **what do you think it means to be able to steal nothing? **

**ROXY: it means**

**ROXY: im like a shitty cat burglar who sucks at her job?**

**JADE:** **WRONG **

**JADE:** **it means just the opposite **

**JADE:** **it means you can steal the essence of nothingness from something **

**JADE:** **you can rob nothingness from an idea if you put your mind to it **

**JADE:** **effectively allowing you to conjure virtually anything out of thin air **

**ROXY: omg**

**ROXY: u cant be serious**

**ROXY: that is way too much superpower 4 a dork like me 2 have**

**JADE:** **grrrrr... **

**ROXY: oh no**

**ROXY: pls dont growl me dogjade**

**ROXY: is legit frightening :(**

**JADE:** **im sorry, but your remarks of self deprecation made me very angry **

**JADE:** **once i was even more of a dork than you **

**JADE:** **but now i am one of the most powerful beings who has ever existed **

**JADE:** **i dont want to hear any whining about what you think you cant do **

**JADE:** **you are hereby under strict orders from myself and her condescension to "clam up" and conjure that orb, do you understand? **

**ROXY: so im just supposed to**

**ROXY: sit here and think about this ugly ball**

**ROXY: and twiddle my fingers or somethin**

**ROXY: ?**

**JADE:** **you tell me **

**JADE:** **space is my racket, not void **

**ROXY: maybe it would help if i knew what the dang thing WAS**

**ROXY: how am i supposed to steal the nonexistence from a concept when the concept only exists in my mind as "ugly ball"**

**JADE:** **its called the matriorb **

**JADE:** **it is the key to resurrecting the troll race **

**JADE:** **once you create it the empress will hatch it on an uninhabited planet located beyond the reach of her cruel employer **

**JADE:** **there her people will have another chance to thrive without the ever looming threat of extinction that comes with his influence **

**JADE:** **so you see roxy, there is nothing noble about refusing to help **

**JADE:** **once an entire alien race went extinct because of a terrible monster, and you can help give them a second chance **

**JADE:** **dont you want that? **

**ROXY: um**

**ROXY: in theory sure i guess**

**ROXY: but ur basically asking me to bring a lot of people back to life so they can be slaves to that witch**

**ROXY: u want me to help make all these fresh new trolls but then just turn em over to her? like here you go have fun SNORKELBITCH MEGAHITLER**

**ROXY: i do not actually think i wanna do that?**

**JADE:** **yes fair enough, but heres the other thing... **

**JADE:** **if you dont i am going to kill you **

**ROXY: oh noes**

**JADE:** **oh yesses! **

**JADE:** **a literal plurality of yesses **

**JADE:** **seeing as you are a god tier it is very likely you will come back to life **

**JADE:** **so i can just keep killing you over and over a different way each time **

**JADE:** **maybe i will disembowel you a few times **

**JADE:** **i will not even need to use my sharp doggy teeth! **

**JADE:** **i will just snap my fingers and your delicious guts will teleport outside your body **

**ROXY: ew!**

**JADE:** **no way more like yum **

**JADE:** **i will just keep on killing you again and again **

**JADE:** **until you finally get tired of dying and follow your orders **

**ROXY: maaan**

**ROXY: evil jade is sucky jade**

**JADE:** **i believe you will find i am the suckiest jade there is **

**JADE:** **now we are going to be here in this cell for as long as it takes **

**JADE:** **i am not going anywhere until you try doing your voidey thing and make something appear **

**JADE:** **is that understood?**

Roxy folded her legs and sat up straighter.

**ROXY: blehhhh**

**ROXY: fine**

**ROXY: why u gotta be so awful jade**

**ROXY: really putting a cramp on us makin choice new friends w each other**

**ROXY: oh well here goes**

**ROXY: all twiddlin my fingers and such**

**ROXY: busting out tha MAJYYXXX! prayin up a storm to the holy wizardchrist they aint fake...**

**ROXY: alright check it**

**ROXY: one jank ass space egg coming up**

**ROXY: ABRACA **_**HAPPEN!**_

A green cube appeared between her hands.

**ROXY: this is not a space egg**

**JADE:** **no, its not **

**ROXY: balls**

**ROXY: guess i effed up my void spell**

**ROXY: what is this thing**

**JADE:** **thats a perfectly generic object **

**ROXY: its perfectly generic?**

**JADE:** **yes **

**ROXY: dunno about that**

**ROXY: looks like a green cube to me**

**ROXY: with like**

**ROXY: slightly beveled corners**

**JADE:** **thats what a perfectly generic object is **

**ROXY: couldnt something theoretically be more generic than this**

**JADE:** **how **

**ROXY: um**

**ROXY: i dunno**

**JADE:** **exactly **

**ROXY: :\**

**JADE:** **if you want your powers to reach their full potential youre going to need to become more familiar with the fundamental building blocks of ideas and how they translate into more complicated thoughts and forms **

**JADE:** **then it becomes a simple matter of using your abilities to snatch those concepts from unreality **

**ROXY: sounds too hard**

**ROXY: better start killing me repeatedly and get it over with**

**JADE:** **we both know you dont think its too hard, you think it sounds like an interesting challenge **

**ROXY: dammit!**

**ROXY: (fucken jakes wily bitch ass grandma)**

**JADE:** **this is a very good start though **

**JADE:** **with a little practice im sure our empress will have her orb in no time**

**ROXY: well at least i know i can make a whole lot of these boring cubes if all else fails**

**ROXY: hey maybe ill build a sick fort outta them**

**ROXY: hehehe jade tell me that wouldnt be so baller**

**JADE:** **it would be fairly baller **

**ROXY: fyeah**

**JADE:** **keep trying for that orb though **

**JADE:** **i will return in a while to review your progress **

**JADE:** **and remember, dont get any funny ideas **

**ROXY: but p much all my ideas are funny**

**JADE:** **i mean dont try to escape! **

**JADE:** **even if you are invisible i will be able to track you down instantly **

**JADE:** **my sense of smell is very good **

**JADE:** **now if youll excuse me i have some business to attend to **

**ROXY: what business**

Jade sniffed the air and growled.

**JADE:** **i am still trying to locate my brother **

**JADE:** **but im having trouble picking up his scent **

**JADE:** **hes using his windy powers to obscure the trail and its giving me fits **

**ROXY: windy powers eh**

**ROXY: who is your bro?**

**JADE:** **woof! **

**JADE:** **i mean shoosh :x **

**JADE:** **that is enough questions from you **

**JADE:** **now i believe you have a space egg to conjure **

**ROXY: (mumble mumble egg mumble shove it grumble)**

**JADE:** **what? **

**ROXY: (mumble mutter my fat ass)**

**JADE:** **farewell roxy**

Jade vanished.

"NAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAKNAK," clamored the voices of the crocodiles outside Dave's room's window. Dave himself stood inside, looking around.

**DAVE: so weird being back here**

**DAVE: cant believe how long ago it feels since i lived in this place**

**DAVE: spent way too long wallowing in our own filth on that gnarly meteor thats for sure**

**DAVE: this doesnt even seem like my room anymore**

**DAVE: its like trespassing or something like im horning in on somebody elses life**

**DAVE: a life lived most sweetly though i will admit**

**DAVE: ahahaha the fuckin toilets still there**

**DAVE: i remember when jade put that there that is perhaps like my favorite memory**

**DAVE: wish jade wasnt crazy just makes me remember how much i miss not crazy jade**

**DAVE: or less crazy jade**

**DAVE: wait**

**DAVE: didnt karkat once say terezi ripped a troll toilet out of his house**

**DAVE: what is with girls and their universally constant tendency to rip out plumbing fixtures**

**DAVE: did i just accidentally crack another cosmic riddle or**

**DAVE: i gotta txt him and get confirmation on this asap**

**DAVE: actually nah**

**DAVE: i probably harangued the poor guy with enough of my bs the last few years**

**DAVE: ill just keep shufflin thru memory lane making wistful observations out loud**

**DAVE: you know it kinda chaps my bulge that people rip on me for talking to myself**

**DAVE: its like the most perfectly natural thing to do**

**DAVE: why are people so up tight about keepin a lid on their monologues what a bunch of stuffy pricks**

**DAVE: ive always found the sound of my own voice to be mysteriously soothing**

**DAVE: haha talk about an embarrassing sentence to say in earshot of an actual person**

**DAVE: well maybe not the mayor**

**DAVE: you can always tell the mayor anything 3**

He looked at the contraption on his cinderblocks next to the turntables.

**DAVE: hahaha this piece of shit is still here too**

**DAVE: didnt we use this thing like ONCE**

**DAVE: what a useless pile of trash in hindsight**

**DAVE: sometimes i think this game was designed by an idiot**

**DAVE: wasnt it called like**

**DAVE: the laserbeam intellivision or something**

**DAVE: id throw it in the lava but that would be a waste of melting**

**DAVE: oh yeah **

**DAVE: almost forgot about my ill beats from the past **

**DAVE: i wonder if theyre as ill as i remember **

**DAVE: ok i just pushed some buttons and verified they remain as ill as the day they were dropped **

**DAVE: ill have to send them to karkat he has always been an enthusiastic patron of my exceptional science **

**DAVE: i mean sure he says it sucks and maybe he even believes that on some pathetic sub intellectual plane of consciousness which gross philistines operate on their whole lives **

**DAVE: but whenever he gets a load of my hype **

**DAVE: i see him there **

**DAVE: tapping his foot ever so slightly **

**DAVE: i see him**

He looked at a poster on his wall of Sawtooth and Squarewave.

**DAVE: this poster...**

**DAVE: love this poster**

**DAVE: its like an old friend**

**DAVE: never even knew who these guys were or what their deal was**

**DAVE: never gave it much thought i guess**

**DAVE: doubt ill ever find out at this point**

**DAVE: oh well**

**DAVE: some things i guess were never meant to be figured out**

**DAVE: or benefit from any kind of elaboration**

**DAVE: not even years later**

**DAVE: just the way it is sometimes**

**DAVE: its like ive said before**

**DAVE: this poster is a hell of a mystery**

**DAVE: that i never even thought was a mystery**

**DAVE: and it would be pretty cool if somebody solved it**

**DAVE: but damn if thats ever gonna happen**

**DAVE: so thats a shame**

He noticed a fossil on his shelf.

**DAVE: aw hell its my old dead things collection**

**DAVE: what a stupid blast from the past**

**DAVE: i seriously cannot remember if i was sincere with this shit**

**DAVE: i was probably trying to flex my underdeveloped irony muscles**

**DAVE: like the shrimpiest kid at the hipster gym**

**DAVE: why does my childhood room have to be such a predictable museum of embarrassments**

**DAVE: i dont know**

**DAVE: some of these things are kind of cool actually**

**DAVE: like from a standpoint of objective reevaluation afforded by the sobering maturity that comes with being literally 100% grown up now**

**DAVE: dead things are actually pretty rad**

**DAVE: i feel like if i was legitmately into all this then more should have come of the interest**

**DAVE: like there could have been like**

**DAVE: entire CONVERSATIONS about it that never even took place**

**DAVE: hey rose youll never guess what im excited about and have loads of dialogue to spill over**

**DAVE: whats that dave**

**DAVE: ancient mollusks**

**DAVE: hmmmmmmmm said rose**

**DAVE: how many bananas do you think this paw clutched back when it was alive and attached to a monkey**

**DAVE: dave i really must say**

**DAVE: this conversation blows**

**DAVE: yeah sorry**

**DAVE: maybe i could have really developed this interest**

**DAVE: maybe i could have been something cool as a result**

**DAVE: like what even profession is this**

**DAVE: a dead shit ogler?**

**DAVE: no wait**

**DAVE: probably a paleontologist or something**

**DAVE: i could have been a paleontologist**

**DAVE: instead of what i became**

**DAVE: which was**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: some pajama packing fuckface from the renaissance fair**

**DAVE: that would have been the dopeness!**

He picked up a photo from the same shelf.

**DAVE: eurgh**

**DAVE: the ironic selfies**

**DAVE: oh god**

**DAVE: now this**

**DAVE: this is some irredeemably mortifying shit here**

**DAVE: what was i thinking**

**DAVE: i dont know man**

**DAVE: i just dont know**

**DAVE: this is what seasoned veterans call "bad irony"**

**DAVE: look at this guy**

**DAVE: what a fucking novice**

He looked at another one.

**DAVE: oh who am i kidding**

**DAVE: i cant stay mad at that face**

He flipped to the next one.

**DAVE: ok this one is pretty funny actually**

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: eheheh**

**DAVE: hehehehe**

**DAVE: haha! **

**DAVE: hahahahahaha!**

**DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**DAVE: WHY **

**DAVE: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA **

**DAVE: (gasp) **

**DAVE: WHY CANT **

**DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA **

**DAVE: WHY CANT I STOP LAUGHING **

**DAVE: PFFFFAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

There was a blue flash of light behind him.

**DAVE: YOU WIN! **

**DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **

**DAVE: YOU WIN YOUNG DAVE **

**DAVE: THESE SELFIES ARE COMEDY GOLD **

**DAVE: AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**JOHN: hi dave!**

**JOHN: what's so funny?**

Dave dropped the pictures.

**DAVE: whoa**

**DAVE: john**

**JOHN: what were you looking at there...**

**JOHN: hey, are you crying?**

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: no**

**JOHN: ...**

**DAVE: i mean i was just laughing too hard at something dumb**

**DAVE: you know how it is**

**JOHN: heh, yeah.**

**JOHN: can i see?**

**DAVE: no its nothing**

**DAVE: where the fuck have you been**

**DAVE: do you remember what happened since we got here**

**JOHN: yes.**

**DAVE: well**

**DAVE: are you gonna fill me in or keep floating there in the most uninformative way possible**

**JOHN: uh oh.**

**JOHN: dave, i have to go!**

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: why**

**JOHN: i can't hang around in one place for too long.**

**JOHN: let's catch up later, ok?**

**DAVE: john wait**

**JOHN: see you buddy!**

John turned into a bunch of wind and vanished.

**DAVE: no dont**

**DAVE: john no stop turning into wind you fickle idiot**

**DAVE: dont just leave right away that is such an insanely predictable move**

**DAVE: i said get back here you slippery motherfucker!**

**JADE:** **hello dave **

**DAVE: god dammit**


	270. Book 16 Chapter 5: Caledfwlch

Chapter 5: Caledfwlch

Dave spun on his heels to find Jade standing on the toilet behind him.

**JADE:** **he was just here wasnt he **

**DAVE: no**

**JADE:** **how do you even know who im talking about? **

**DAVE: look all i know is egbert most definitely didnt just appear out of nowhere and catch me weeplaughing at my selfies**

**JADE:** **dave i know he was just here **

**JADE:** **i can smell him **

**DAVE: i keep my apparment misted with his odor at all times**

**DAVE: essence d'egbert**

**JADE:** **degbear? **

**JADE:** **what... **

**DAVE: no like the french pronunciation**

**JADE:** **ah **

**DAVE: anyway im just a lot more comfortable when my whole place reeks of nerd musk**

**DAVE: so that explains that**

**JADE:** **you cant fool me dave **

**JADE:** **i will track him down sooner or later **

**JADE:** **in any case it doesnt matter **

**JADE:** **i came here to see you, not him **

**DAVE: you did**

**JADE:** **come with me**

**DAVE: where**

Jade snapped her fingers and they were suddenly standing outside next to the Alchemiter, surrounded by nakodiles.

**JADE:** **out here **

**JADE:** **we have some work to do**

**DAVE: what work**

**JADE:** **youre going to need to upgrade your weapon **

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: you mean the deringer**

**JADE:** **yes **

**DAVE: i thought it was like the best possible sword**

**DAVE: or at least the best possible broken sword**

**JADE:** **that may very well be the case **

**JADE:** **but it will be useless against lord english **

**JADE:** **wouldnt you prefer a weapon that is capable of inflicting damage against him? **

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: not really?**

**JADE:** **of course you would **

**JADE:** **this isnt even up for discussion **

**JADE:** **now give me the deringer **

**JADE:** **we have all been traveling for three long years. what better way to celebrate our reunion than with a little alchemy? :) **

**DAVE: lots of ways**

**DAVE: we could have a jade goes back to normal party**

**DAVE: starring normal jade**

**JADE:** **HAR HAR **

**JADE:** **gimme the sword **

**DAVE: ok here**

He handed her the deringer.

**DAVE: how do we make it so it can damage him**

**JADE:** **it needs a special ingredient **

**JADE:** **something which represents his only known weakness, but hasnt been properly weaponized **

**DAVE: and you know what that is**

**JADE:** **i do **

**DAVE: how**

**JADE:** **i get all my intelligence on such matters from the old lady **

**JADE:** **shes had centuries to hatch a plan to settle her score **

**JADE:** **over time shes uncovered many secrets about him **

**DAVE: i dont understand how this is working**

**DAVE: is she piping all these secrets into your brain**

**DAVE: along with the evil**

**JADE:** **that is not relevant! **

**DAVE: fair enough**

**DAVE: i guess technically almost nothing is relevant to the dude youre barking orders to**

**DAVE: literal barking because of dogginess**

**JADE:** **bark bark bark! **

**DAVE: yes exactly like that**

**DAVE: thank you for participating in the joke**

**DAVE: now what is this special ingredient and where do we get it**

**JADE:** **i already have it right here **

**DAVE: oh yeah?**

**JADE:** **in fact ive had it for about as long as i can remember **

**JADE:** **it was right under my doggy snout all along**

Jade held out the cue ball.

**JADE:** **remember this? **

**DAVE: no**

**JADE:** **dave are you lying to me? **

**DAVE: no!**

**DAVE: ive never seen that thing before**

**JADE:** **but i found it on your planet **

**JADE:** **it must have gotten here somehow **

**DAVE: i didnt take your lousy egg**

**JADE:** **its not an egg! **

**DAVE: yeah well these planets are crawling with brainless lizards maybe one of them thought it was an egg**

**DAVE: and then brought it here cause its warm here and tried to hatch it**

**JADE:** **you really have a one track mind when it comes to certain things **

**DAVE: what things**

**DAVE: what are you talking about**

**JADE:** **davesprite was like that too... i just figured it was because he was part bird **

**JADE:** **but no, here you are going on about bird things too just like him :p **

**DAVE: come on dont compare me to him**

**DAVE: just cause i think its an eggy looking thing dont mean i think like a damn bird**

**JADE:** **mm hmm **

**JADE:** **and just because i have these pointy ears doesnt mean i wouldnt kill for some snausages right now! **

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: do you actually want snausages**

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **maybe ._. **

**DAVE: ok well snausages notwithstanding this is bullshit**

**DAVE: tell me how that thing doesnt look like an egg to you**

**DAVE: how is that not so obviously SUCH an egg?**

**JADE:** **its a cueball dave! **

**DAVE: i see**

**DAVE: so if im following**

**DAVE: then what youre trying to tell me is**

**DAVE: lord english has some sort of severe egg allergy that we are hoping to exploit**

**JADE:** **sigh **

**JADE:** **i see its still impossible to have a serious conversation with you, whether you are a sassy bird or not **

**JADE:** **i thought regular dave might have matured a little over three years but i guess i was wrong **

**DAVE: can we just make the eggsword already**

Jade &amp;&amp;-combined the royal deringer with the cueball to make… Caledfwlch!

**DAVE: oh no**

**DAVE: not the legendary piece of shit again**

**JADE:** **pardon? **

**DAVE: its the fuckin welsh sword again!**

**JADE:** **are you telling me you have seen this sword before dave **

**JADE:** **how is that possible? **

**DAVE: i dont know!**

**DAVE: because i have a shitty quest is how**

**JADE:** **... **

**DAVE: didnt davesprite tell you anything**

**DAVE: i found this sword in a gold cave and broke it**

**DAVE: then davesprite took it to hephaestus who fixed it and upgraded it to the deringer**

**DAVE: and sent that to me and i broke it again**

**JADE:** **you sure seem to break swords a lot **

**DAVE: i know!**

**DAVE: that has always been my thing for some reason**

**DAVE: now i guess it turns out my ultimate sword is really just a repaired downgrade of my previously ultimate sword mixed with a cueball?**

**DAVE: we just cycled right back to caledfwelsh like a bunch of tools**

**DAVE: that is the most stupid convoluted ass backward way to get a sword out of a stone i can even imagine**

**DAVE: i feel like somebody somewhere is having a good laugh over this i sure hope like the juggalo equivalent of fuckin loki or whoever the fuck is having a top notch riddlewank at my expense**

**JADE:** **:| **

**DAVE: you know what really gets me is**

**DAVE: this shitty welsh sword presumably consisted of those ingredients all along which just makes me want to travel back in time to perform a mutually assisted suicide with myself**

**DAVE: me and other dave can take turns suffocating each other with our own DUMBASS capes**

**JADE:** **dave i admit this is a peculiar turn of events, but i think you are overreacting **

**DAVE: jade this is STUPID**

**DAVE: my quest is a STUPID PIECE OF GARBAGE QUEST for LAME SHITTY LOSER FUCKHEADS WHO SUCK BALLS WHILE CRAPPING THEIR PANTS**

**JADE:** **omg **

**JADE:** **youve really spent way too much time alone with karkat havent you **

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: i need help :(**

Karkat and Kanaya looked up at the shadowy figure of Jade, who was sitting in a tree, hovering a planet above her hand. Somewhere behind her, amidst the twisty trees of LOFAF, stood evil Jane, holding her trident. Behind Karkat and Kanaya stood a random iguana, staring at Jade drama blankly.

**KARKAT: WHAT'S THAT.**

**JADE:** **what this? **

**KARKAT: YES. THAT.**

**JADE:** **earth**

**IGUANA: thip**

**KARKAT: THAT'S EARTH?**

**KARKAT: WHY IS IT SO SMALL**

**JADE:** **its small because i shrunk it **

**JADE:** **cause im a space witch **

**JADE:** **duhhh **

**KARKAT: OK BUT**

**KARKAT: WHY DO YOU HAVE IT?**

**KARKAT: I THOUGHT JACK DESTROYED YOUR UNIVERSE.**

**JADE:** **he did **

**JADE:** **but i snuck through a portal and nabbed it! **

**JADE:** **then i hopped right back through the gate before everything blew up **

**JADE:** **i was in and out like a bandit **

**JADE:** **you know, i like to think i make a pretty good witch, especially since i turned wicked and all... **

**JADE:** **but maybe i would have made an even better thief! **

**JADE:** **what do you think jane? do you think i missed my true calling? **

**JANE:** **.**

**JADE:** **come to think of it, the new empire probably doesnt need anymore thieves **

**JADE:** **we already have the greatest thief of all running the show **

**JADE:** **she even managed to steal both of us away from all our pals, didnt she jane? ;) **

**JANE:** **.**

**JADE:** **hehe **

**JADE:** **isnt she a riot guys? **

**IGUANA: thip**

**KARKAT: THANKS JADE. NO REALLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THOSE CLARIFICATIONS, WHILE OBLITERATING ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT YOU ARE FIRMLY OFF YOUR ROCKER.**

**KARKAT: BUT MAYBE IF IT'S NOT *TOO* MUCH EXTRA TROUBLE, YOU COULD HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'VE STRANDED US ON A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PLANETS, ONLY TO COME TAUNT ME WITH A WATERLOGGED, MINIATURIZED VERSION OF EARTH?**

**JADE:** **it wont be earth for much longer **

**JADE:** **it will be home to the new empire **

**JADE:** **i will deliver it to the universe we create **

**JADE:** **or i should say the one YOU create **

**JADE:** **if you are obedient and complete the tasks you are assigned, you may have a place in the empire among the subservient classes **

**KARKAT: BRRRRRR!**

**KARKAT: DID YOU FEEL THAT TOO KANAYA? A CHILL JUST RAN DOWN MY TORSO PILLAR DUE TO ALL THE *PURE EVIL* THAT BRAINWASHED JADE IS SAYING! I'M FUCKING PETRIFIED, SOMEBODY HELP ME CHANGE MY SMELLY PANTS!**

**KARKAT: LISTEN JADE. AND OTHER RANDOM EVIL GIRL, YOU LISTEN TOO. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID LITTLE GLOBE OR YOUR OMINOUS ALLUSIONS TO NEW EMPIRES OR WHAT SORT OF PARIAHS WE CAN EXPECT TO BE IN YOUR BOGUS DREAM DYSTOPIA.**

**KARKAT: THERE IS ONLY ONE COURSE OF ACTION FROM YOU WHICH I WILL TOLERATE, AND THAT IS FEEDING ME A STEADY DIET OF FUCKING ANSWERS! NOT CAGEY, SMIRK-TORTURED INFO-MORSELS DELIVERED BETWEEN SHITTY VILLAIN CHUCKLES, I WANT AN UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA WHICH HAS ONLY ONE PURPOSE, AND THAT IS TO GET ME PERSONALLY UP TO SPEED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING, RIGHT THIS BLOOD SHITTING SECOND!**

**JADE:** **karkat i had almost forgotten how much i missed our repartee **

**JADE:** **thank you for reminding me, that outburst was beautiful **

**JADE:** **if youre frustrated by the way im treating you look at it this way... im not asking you for passwords anymore am i? **

**KARKAT: HAHA! YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT PASSWORDS?**

**KARKAT: COMPARED TO THIS, THE PASSWORDS WERE A GODDAMN LAWNMEAL! WITH A CHECKERED TABLECLOTH AND EVERYTHING! FUN FOR ALL INVOLVED, ESPECIALLY THE MARCHBUGS SNEAKING THE CRUMBS AWAY!**

**KARKAT: I WOULD FUCKING KILL TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU PASSWORDS AGAIN, ESPECIALLY IF IT MEANT UNLOCKING REGULAR JADE FROM HER CORRUPTED EMPIRE SERVING BARKFIEND STATE!**

**KARKAT: *IS* THERE A PASSWORD LIKE THAT JADE? CAN I START GUESSING AT IT?**

**KARKAT: LET'S SEE, SINCE YOU APPEAR TO BE SOME SORT OF WILD CARNIVOROUS FURRY NOW, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MEAT, DOESN'T IT?**

**KARKAT: SAUSAGES?**

**KARKAT: IT'S SAUSAGES ISN'T IT**

**KARKAT: AM I CLOSE? SOMETHING IN THE SAUSAGE DEPARTMENT.**

**KARKAT: SNOUT SAUSAGES?**

**KARKAT: GRUBWURST!**

**KARKAT: HOOF LOAF?**

**KARKAT: HAMSTEAK!**

**IGUANA: thip thip thip**

**JADE:** **sorry karkat, there is no password. not this time **

**JADE:** **if you continue to list meat products then im afraid the only thing you will unlock is my fearsome doggy hunger **

**JADE:** **and believe me, you dont want to see me when im doggy hungry **

**KARKAT: (ROLLING MY DAMN EYES)**

**JADE:** **but if you insist on hounding me (hehe) for some sort of explanation, its all pretty simple **

**JADE:** **we all recently arrived in this brand new session... janes session actually **

**JADE:** **this is jane btw. say hi jane **

**JANE:** **.**

**JADE:** **lol **

**JADE:** **jane is actually my biological mother believe it or not **

**KARKAT: THIS STORY SUCKS SO FAR!**

**JADE:** **shh! **

**JADE:** **but her session was taken over by the woman who you might call our mutual great grandmother **

**JADE:** **shes an alien. a very powerful troll queen actually **

**KARKAT: YEAH! THE EMPRESS IS HERE! I THINK WE ALREADY MANAGED TO DEDUCE THAT!**

**JADE:** **karkat you are the one who demanded an "UNINTERRUPTED SPATE OF HARD, UNEMBELLISHED DATA" **

**JADE:** **ill thank you to not to yell at me for doing exactly what you requested **

**KARKAT: (KANAYA, DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAD TO DEAL WITH)**

**KANAYA: (You Do Realize I Spoke To Jade Plenty Of Times Myself)**

**KARKAT: (YOU DID?)**

**KARKAT: (OH YEAH)**

**KARKAT: (I GUESS I FORGOT ABOUT THAT)**

**JADE:** **her imperious condescension is in control now **

**JADE:** **she intends to carry out the remaining objectives to complete the session **

**JADE:** **those tasks will be distributed among several recently recruited agents of course **

**JADE:** **(thats you!) **

**JADE:** **this should come as a relief to you since it means you and she are not in opposition at all **

**JADE:** **in fact you share all the same goals! **

**JADE:** **the only difference is that when the time comes she will be the one claiming the ultimate reward **

**JADE:** **the spoils will be hers not ours... get it? **

**KARKAT: I THINK SO!**

**KARKAT: SHE WANTS US ALL TO GET A NICE HEAD START ON OUR DECADENT NEW LIFE OF SLAVERY PROMISED FOR US ON YOUR SCALE MODEL OF ALTERNIEARTH.**

**KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS SUPER! DOESN'T THAT SOUND SUPER KANAYA?**

**KANAYA: No**

**KARKAT: I THINK I SPEAK FOR KANAYA WHEN I SAY IT SOUNDS Really Fucking Super.**

**KARKAT: HOW DO WE GET STARTED? I AM JUST BEFOULING MY ALREADY-PUNGENT DRAWERS OVER THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND START DOING SLAVERY!**

**JADE:** **excellent **

**JADE:** **what you will need to do is ready the young frog for its journey to skaia **

**JADE:** **i will prepare skaia to receive it by deploying the battlefield from our old session **

**JADE:** **this will bring fertility to the void session and allow the frog to mature when he completes his journey **

**KARKAT: SO YOU WANT US TO MAKE ANOTHER FROG?**

**JADE:** **no! **

**JADE:** **i already made one actually **

**JADE:** **dont you remember? **

**KARKAT: UH**

**JADE:** **really your job is so easy **

**JADE:** **theres no more frog breeding involved at all **

**JADE:** **when the time is right, you just have to release the one thats already there **

**KARKAT: WHERE IS IT?**

**JADE:** **it fell into the forge **

**JADE:** **in the years since it has sunk all the way down to the planets core **

**JADE:** **but as it happens that is exactly where it should be! **

**JADE:** **my denizen is now guarding it **

**JADE:** **as im sure kanaya already knows it will not be released unless you travel there and formally request that she do so **

**KARKAT: OH YEAH?**

**KARKAT: IF IT'S THAT SIMPLE, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO IT!**

**KARKAT: YOU CAN USE YOUR DOG TELEPORTATION OR WHATEVER.**

**JADE:** **i already did **

**JADE:** **echidna will not speak with me **

**KARKAT: HAHAHA!**

**KARKAT: WHY NOT?**

**KARKAT: COULD IT BE DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A CRAPPY EVIL VERSION OF YOURSELF, AND THE MIGHTY ECHIDNA JUST POSSIBLY HAS TOO MUCH SELF RESPECT TO BOTHER DIGNIFYING THE FARCE YOU'VE BECOME?**

**JADE:** **it is not important why, and it changes nothing **

**JADE:** **she said she would only speak with another hero of space **

**JADE:** **that would be kanaya **

**JADE:** **she also cryptically requested the presence of the knight who once helped her with breeding duties **

**JADE:** **karkat i gather that would be you **

**KARKAT: ME?**

**KARKAT: WHY WOULD SHE ASK TO SEE ME**

**KARKAT: ANOTHER SPACE PLAYER I COULD UNDERSTAND, BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THIS?**

**JADE:** **i dont know karkat **

**JADE:** **that is your problem, not mine **

**JADE:** **maybe you should try feeling grateful she asked for you **

**KARKAT: GRATEFUL?!**

**JADE:** **youre getting the chance to set right what went so horribly wrong **

**JADE:** **to atone for your hasty first attempt at frog breeding which resulted in a terminal universe **

**JADE:** **if i were you i would feel pretty relieved to get a second chance, but thats just me :p **

**KARKAT: WOW...**

**KARKAT: WOW!**

**KARKAT: KANAYA, IT'S OFFICIAL. JADE HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF GROSS NIGHTMARE BITCH!**

**KARKAT: AS THE BELEAGUERED AND LONG SUFFERING LEADER, ALBEIT *STILL* LEADER OF OUR PARTY, I MOTION THAT WE DON'T DO ANYTHING SHE SAYS, OR ANYTHING TO HELP THE EMPRESS EVEN IF IT OVERLAPS WITH OUR OWN INTERESTS, AND STOP LISTENING TO WERE-HARLEY UNTIL SHE SNAPS OUT OF HER BRUTAL IDIOT COMA!**

**KANAYA: I Second Your Motion**

**KARKAT: THE MOTION PASSES WITH AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY OF VOTES AMONG PEOPLE IN THE IMMEDIATE VICINITY WHO AREN'T HORRIBLE!**

Jade growled and floated off of the tree branch. A blue gust of wind began to form behind her, but no one noticed.

**JADE:** **i would be careful about the slurs you bandy about, particularly those targeting my canine qualities which i am sensitive about and therefore find to be really really mean **

**JADE:** **you should be aware that i have already threatened to kill some people today so watch your step mister **

**KARKAT: GROAN**

**KARKAT: SORRY JADE, BUT YOU SOUND ABOUT AS THREATENING AS SOME MILD FLATULENCE I ONCE HAD**

**JADE:** **its true though i am very threatening **

**JADE:** **and this girl right here? **

**JADE:** **shes even worse **

**JADE:** **she hasnt even said a WORD... that is TERRIFYING! **

**JADE:** **jeez even im nervous **

**JADE:** **and kanaya dont think you are safe from our threats just because you happen to be a vampire **

**JADE:** **we have ways of handling the undead **

**KANAYA: Um**

**JADE:** **jane here? **

**JADE:** **she has the power to bring people back to life **

**JADE:** **although it is my understanding that this ability is limited to a one time only use per individual **

**KANAYA: So**

**JADE:** **you do know what sort of effect her resurrection spell will have on undead targets... **

**KANAYA: No?**

The wind began to form into a figure.

**JADE:** **you dont? **

**JADE:** **i thought it was common knowledge **

**JADE:** **when you cast healing magic on a zombie or dracula they die! **

**KANAYA: How Do You Figure**

**JADE:** **i dont know... **

**JADE:** **isnt that how it works in stories and games and such **

**JADE:** **seems pretty logical to me **

**KANAYA: I Think You Are Presuming To Know A Lot About My Nature Which Is Not Actually True**

**KANAYA: It Sounds As Though Youre Suggesting That I Have Qualities Similar To Certain Types Of Shadow Droppers Which Is Not Quite The Case But Even If It Was There Are A Lot Of Myths About Shadow Dropper Physiology That Are Commonly Perpetuated By Popular...**

**JADE:** **SIIIGH **

**JADE:** **i can see a demonstration will be in order **

**JADE:** **jane **

**JADE:** **if you would be so kind**

Jane walked up to Karkat and stabbed him through the stomach with her trident.

**JANE:** **SUBMIT.**

**KARKAT: AUGH!**

Karkat fell backwards, dead.

**JOHN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**


	271. Book 16 Chapter 6: Velvet Pillow

Chapter 6: Velvet Pillow

**JOHN: *deep breath...***

**JOHN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

Jade tacklepounced John.

**JADE:** **GOTCHA! **

**JOHN: *deep breath...***

They fell to the ground together, Jade on top of John, and skidded backwards through the forest.

**JOHN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**JADE:** **john stop that**

Jane lifted her hand, floating up into the air, and shot a beam of blue energy at Karkat's dead body. Karkat rose up in the energy, then fell to the ground again. One second later, he sat up, alive and well.

**KANAYA: !**

**JOHN: whew!**

**JOHN: oh man, here i go again... **

**JOHN: welp. see ya! **

**JADE:** **no wait!**

John zapped away again. Jade stood up and clenched her fists angrily, crackling with the power of the Green Sun.

**JADE:** **EEEEEEGBEEEERRRRRRRRT! **

**JADE:** **oh i am so mad **

**JADE:** **grrrrr... **

**JADE:** **GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!**

**JADE:** **AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

She zapped herself away too and suddenly the forest was silent again, minus the occasional sound of a thip from the iguana. Karkat hid from Jane behind Kanaya, putting his hands on her shoulders. Jane just stood there with a blank stare.

**JANE:** **.**

**ROSE: Euurgh.**

**ROSE: Why does Lolar have to be so **_**bright?**_

She was lying on the ground, holding a velvet pillow against her face. Around her, the air glitched.

**TEREZI: 3UURGH**

**TEREZI: WHY DO MY 3Y3S H4V3 TO WORK SO **_**W3LL?**_

Terezi looked up at the clouds in the LOLAR sky. She put her arm to her forehead to block out the sunlight and squinted. Rose set the pillow down temporarily and sat up. There were dark bags under her eyes and she seemed to be barely able to keep them open.

**ROSE: I take it you are still detoxing from your overdose of appalling harlequin nectar?**

**TEREZI: HY333UUUUURGH**

**TEREZI: PL34S3 NO T4LK1NG**

**TEREZI: B3TW33N TH3 F4YGO SHOCK 4ND S3NSORY OV3RLO4D, 1 C4NNOT 3V3N D34L**

**ROSE: Do you need a turn with the pillow?**

**TEREZI: SHHHHHHH**

**TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT 1 GOT US3D TO S331NG 4G41N**

**TEREZI: 4T L34ST TH3 M3T3OR W4S 4LW4YS SO D4RK**

**TEREZI: H3R3 THOUGH**

**TEREZI: YOUR PL4N3T LOOKS L1K3...**

**TEREZI: SCR34M1NG**

**TEREZI: 4ND YOUR WORDS SOUND L1K3 THROBB1NG**

**ROSE: You should try not to consume so much sugar.**

**ROSE: It's really bad for you.**

**TER3Z1: L4LOND3**

**TEREZI: PL34S3 DO NOT GO TH3R3**

**TEREZI: DO3S 1T LOOK L1K3 1 W4NT 4DV1C3 FROM 4 GLUTTON FOR MYST3R1OUS HUM4N SOPOR1F1CS?**

**ROSE: Good point.**

**ROSE: We seriously have to curtail our dependence on these respective liquids.**

**ROSE: The situation has become embarrassing for everyone.**

**TEREZI: 1 KNOW**

**ROSE: Maybe you and I should form some sort of support group.**

**ROSE: Isn't that what people do?**

**TEREZI: WH4T?**

**ROSE: I'm doing my best to dredge the memory of my dead civilization for salient protocol.**

**ROSE: I think that's what we're supposed to do.**

**ROSE: Once, when humanity was still a thing, those like us with similar problems would band together, smoke cigarettes, and psychologically dismantle each other.**

**ROSE: But like, in a positive way.**

**TEREZI: TH4T SOUNDS HORR1BL3**

**ROSE: It surely will be.**

**ROSE: Do you have any cigarettes?**

**ROSE: I suppose we could use some sticks of your chalk in a pinch. These turtles probably won't know the difference.**

**TEREZI: C4N YOU M4YB3 NOT B3 S4Y1NG SO M4NY JOK3S**

**TEREZI: 1TS M4K1NG 1T H4RD TO CONC3NTR4T3 ON MY SUFF3R1NG H3R3**

**ROSE: Well we have to do **_**something**_**.**

**ROSE: I'm supposed to be guiding our team to a fortuitous outcome with my fancy light powers.**

**ROSE: How am I supposed to lead and inspire from under a velvet pillow?**

**ROSE: Also, my girlfriend thinks I'm an idiot.**

**ROSE: So there's that.**

**TEREZI: M4YB3 TH3Y DONT 4CTU4LLY N33D US**

**ROSE: Sure they do.**

**ROSE: I foresaw that they would, magically, not unlike a majestic wizardress.**

**ROSE: I think.**

**ROSE: At least I'm pretty sure I did at one point, before getting repeatedly plastered.**

**TEREZI: OK, M4YB3 TH3Y N33D YOU**

**TEREZI: S331NG 4S YOU 4CTU4LLY H4V3 US3FUL POW3RS**

**TEREZI: 1 DOUBT 4NYON3 N33DS M3 THOUGH**

**ROSE: Don't you remember what I said when we first met?**

**ROSE: I said your abilities would probably come in handy, didn't I?**

**TEREZI: "PROB4BLY"?**

**ROSE: Yeah. Maybe.**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW HOW TO US3 THOS3 POW3RS FULLY**

**TEREZI: 4ND WH3N3V3R 1 TRY 1 JUST DO SOM3TH1NG 1 R3GR3T**

**TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1 C4N BR1NG MYS3LF TO US3 TH3M 4G41N**

**ROSE: You just need to...**

**ROSE: Dig deep down and,**

**ROSE: Believe in yourself?**

**ROSE: Why don't you give that a shot.**

**TEREZI: :|**

**ROSE: I'm sure when the time comes, accessing your full potential will involve tapping into just the right platitude.**

**ROSE: I don't know. I'm too hung over to give good seering advice.**

**ROSE: You see? This is the problem.**

**ROSE: Hence the need for a not-entirely-ironic support group.**

**ROSE: Let's do it. I declare Rainbow Rumpus Rehab Town is now in session.**

**ROSE: Where the fuck is a gavel when you need one…**

**TEREZI: 4RGH NO, TH4T SOUNDS SO TOT4LLY 1RON1C!**

**TEREZI: TH3 L4ST TH1NG 1 N33D 1S 4NOTH3R HUM4N US1NG 1RONY 4T M3 1N 4N 4TT3MPT TO "H3LP"**

**TEREZI: STOP TRY1NG TO B3 P4LS W1TH M3 4LL OF 4 SUDD3N, 1TS W31RD1NG M3 OUT**

**TEREZI: W3 N3V3R T4LK3D 4BOUT OUR V4GU3LY S1M1L4R PROBL3MS B3FOR3**

**TEREZI: NOW YOU W4NT TO B3 S33R BUDD13S W1TH M3 B3C4US3 YOUR FR13ND STR4ND3D US ON YOUR H1D3OUS PL4N3T?**

**ROSE: Hey. **

**ROSE: My planet is nice. **

**ROSE: Well. In the shade at least. **

**TEREZI: WH4T SH4D3?**

**ROSE: ... **

**TEREZI: TH3 WORST TH1NG 1SNT 3V3N HOW BR1GHT 1T 1S, OR HOW TH3 W1CK3D 3L1X1RS WR34K1NG H4VOC ON MY P4N**

**TEREZI: 1TS R3M3MB3R1NG TH4T 1 US3D TO TH1NK YOUR L4ND SM3LL3D SO D3L1C1OUS**

**TEREZI: BUT NOW 1T LOOKS SO N4STY TO M3**

**TEREZI: 4ND 1 C4NT S33 1T 4S 1 US3D TO S33 1T 3V3N 1F 1 TRY**

**TEREZI: MY S3NS3S 4R3 4LL CONFUS3D NOW**

**TEREZI: HOW COULD TH3 S4M3 C4NDY COLOR3D PL4C3 S33M SO 4TTR4CT1V3 WH3N 1M BL1ND 4ND SO GROSS WH3N 1M H34L3D?**

**TEREZI: 4ND WH4T 1S W1TH TH3S3 D1SGUST1NG BLOCKS OF G1BB3R1SH FLO4T1NG 4ROUND 3V3RYWH3R3?**

She looked down at some of the artifact glitches as they passed by.

**TEREZI: 1 DONT R3M3MB3R TH1S STUFF B31NG H3R3**

**TEREZI: W4S 1T 4LW4YS L1K3 TH4T, 4Ņ****Dͬ** **1 JUST COULDNT SM3LL 1T?**

**ROSE: No, the artɹfactżʂ͍are nèwɇɕÌ/͜·ͣ͋ǐ̻̻**

**ROSE: I honestlʯ hǟve§̫ńo͏̢̪̭͘ i̩᷈̒d̺e᷄a̭ w̦h̜a͌ţ͖̓ t̿o̲ m̍aƘ¼ oͧf͑ t͚h̥̽̒e͠m̢͚̄̍̃**

**TEREZI: WH4T****?¡**ʚ̪̪̪̔͋̕

**ROSE: ˽Í¬s͊a̞iͮdͣ ᷄͞I̸ h͞o̩n̠e᷆s̟t̰l̽ʯ h̓a̶vͨeͮ n͢Ǿɝìɖ̲e̴aͣ w͙h͆aͥt᷁ȜkÒ̍.̙.͟.̿ **

**TEREZI: 4HH! STOP!**

**TEREZI: YOU SOUND 4S SH1TT****Ŷ 4S 3V3RYTH1NG LOOKS!**

**TEREZI: D4MM1T. 1TS SO BR1GHT**

**TEREZI: WH3R3 TH3 H3LL D1D 1 PUT MY GL4SS3S**

**TEREZI: WHO WOULD H4V3 THOUGHT 1D N33D TH3M FOR 4NY PURPOS3 OTH3R TH4N LOOK1NG R4D!**

A large cloud of artifact glitches floated closer to Rose, threatening to envelop her in them. She slowly reached into her pocket and procured Terezi's glasses, which she then put on her face. Terezi glared at her but then looked up at the sky. The glitches were beginning to get worse. She stuck out her tongue and shook her head.

Just then, a huge gust of blue wind swooped through the air and dispersed the glitches. John landed on Zazzerpan's head, behind Terezi.

**JOHN: hi rose!**

**JOHN: nice glasses.**

**ROSE: Thanks, John. **

**ROSE: I expect they will become THE central accessory to my new signature look. **

**ROSE: One that perfectly captures my personality and sense of style. **

**ROSE: Ostensibly forever. **

**TEREZI: (grrrrr)**

**JOHN: ha ha.**

**JOHN: ok.**

**ROSE: That was a nice entrance. **

**ROSE: You swept all those bothersome artifacts out of here too, it would seem. **

**JOHN: yeah.**

**JOHN: that crap is all over this session.**

**JOHN: i'm trying to blow it away wherever i see it, but there's just so much.**

**ROSE: I couldn't even begin to speculate as to the nature of the disturbing phenomena. **

**ROSE: Could you? **

**JOHN: nah.**

**JOHN: i just know it's super gross!**

**ROSE: These are god tier abilities you are using, I presume?**

**JOHN: yes!**

**JOHN: i learned how to turn into wind and swoosh around about a year ago.**

**JOHN: i was fighting jack and found myself in a tight spot. it was just me and him, facing each other man to man.**

**JOHN: but he got the drop on me, and put me in one of his most dastardly choke holds! his deadly blade was poised for a lethal stab through my heart.**

**JOHN: i thought for sure i was a goner, when suddenly i poofed away from his tentacly grasp like houdini's slippery ghost. later i rematerialized to seize the tactical advantage!**

**JOHN: oh yeah... then i saw you. heh.**

**ROSE: :) **

**TEREZI: 4H3M**

**JOHN: oh, hey terezi.**

**JOHN: nice to see you again.**

**TEREZI: 4G41N?**

**TEREZI: W3 N3V3R M3T BRO**

**JOHN: yes we did!**

**JOHN: briefly, on the stone henge planet.**

**JOHN: you all appeared out of nowhere, and we hung out for a little while.**

**JOHN: you threatened to cut my throat for some reason, and then laughed, which was weird.**

**JOHN: but then you said it was a joke. i didn't really get the joke, but i just kinda let it go.**

**JOHN: a whole bunch of things happened, but nobody remembers except me.**

**TEREZI: H3H3**

**JOHN: what?**

**TEREZI: TH4TS 4 GOOD ON3**

**TEREZI: TH3 THROAT CUTT1NG JOK3 PAST M3 SA1D**

**TEREZI: H4H4H4H4, SO GOOD**

**TEREZI: D1D 1 ALSO SAY SOM3TH1NG ABOUT SM3LL1NG YOU D13?**

**JOHN: yeah.**

**TEREZI: Y3SSSSS**

**TEREZI: B33N S4V1NG TH4T ON3 FOR 4 WH1L3**

**TEREZI: GOOD TO KNOW P4ST M3 C4M3 THROUGH, 4S USU4L :]**

**TEREZI: 1 TRUST MY COM3D1C T1M1NG W4S 3XC3LL3NT?**

**JOHN: man, you are such a weirdo.**

**JOHN: you're almost as crazy as...**

**TEREZI: WHO?**

**JOHN: let's not go there now.**

**TEREZI: GO WH3R3**

**JOHN: nowhere!**

**JOHN: suffice to say, i think you and a few other trolls are total nutjobs, no offense.**

**JOHN: i still can't believe you and dave...**

**JOHN: uh.**

**JOHN: actually, let's not go there either.**

**ROSE: John, why do you think you're the only one who can remember the missing events?**

**JOHN: i dunno.**

**JOHN: but i think it might have to do with this new power i have.**

**ROSE: What power? **

**JOHN: it's not a god tier power.**

**JOHN: it's something else. something i got when i stuck my hand in a magic thing.**

**ROSE: A magic thing? **

**JOHN: um, that's a long story.**

**JOHN: one involving pirates.**

**ROSE: Pirates? **

**JOHN: i said it's a long story!**

**JOHN: anyway, when i put my hand in the thing...**

**JOHN: i became all... blurry.**

**ROSE: Blurry. **

**JOHN: yes.**

**JOHN: and i kept randomly getting blurry and disappearing.**

**JOHN: and now i think i'm sort of unstuck in existence.**

**JOHN: like i'm not fully a part of reality anymore, or bound by the rules governing it.**

**ROSE: ... **

**JOHN: man, i'm doing a terrible job explaining this.**

**JOHN: ok, the bottom line is, now i just randomly disappear sometimes!**

**JOHN: and i reappear somewhere else in time and space.**

**JOHN: but it's not really like normal time travel.**

**JOHN: at least, i don't think so.**

**JOHN: with regular time travel, the rules are pretty strict.**

**JOHN: either paradox space already accounted for your time traveling, and you were always supposed to do it all along...**

**JOHN: or you messed up, and changed something you weren't supposed to. in which case you just made a bad timeline, and everyone dies or something. right?**

**ROSE: Sure. **

**JOHN: but this isn't like that.**

**JOHN: i'm not sure how i know, but it feels like these jumps are totally outside all those rules.**

**JOHN: when i jump somewhere, like in the past...**

**JOHN: i think i can actually change stuff that isn't supposed to be changed.**

**JOHN: which makes me kinda nervous!**

**ROSE: Hmm. **

**ROSE: Can you demonstrate this ability? **

**JOHN: not really.**

**JOHN: i mean, not intentionally.**

**JOHN: i can't seem to control the jumps.**

**JOHN: maybe that's for the best though.**

**JOHN: if i could control it, and tried to use it to my advantage, i would probably just make a huge mess of things.**

**TEREZI: Y3S, YOU WOULD**

**ROSE: Even so, it will be worth noting if you're able to refine the ability. **

**ROSE: Could you please keep me informed of any developments? **

**JOHN: yeah!**

**ROSE: And while you're at it, maybe you could tell us exactly what happened just after we arrived. **

**JOHN: ummmm...**

**JOHN: well, we were all pretty confused at first.**

**JOHN: you all just appeared out of nowhere, and started babbling about evil jade.**

**JOHN: you asked me what happened, but i didn't know anything because i just got there myself, and was all alone.**

**JOHN: but then it was cool, we all just walked around the land of hills and stone henges, or whatever it's called, and caught up a bit on the last three years.**

**JOHN: we were trying to figure out what to do, and decided it would be a good idea to try and meet up with all the new kids.**

**JOHN: but we had no idea where they were.**

**JOHN: and i still don't, except i have since determined that my teen nanna is evil too.**

**JOHN: but she is more like an evil robot than a scary wolf girl. um, but i digress.**

**JOHN: so we were planning to make some scouting expeditions to the new planets to look for them, and everything was fine.**

**JOHN: that is, until evil jade showed up.**

**JOHN: she made you all disappear again, and then came after me, but i used my windy powers to evade her, which really pissed her off!**

**JOHN: so she beat the crap out of me. :(**

**JOHN: but then i randomly zapped away, and have been running from her ever since.**

**JOHN: i am swishing the breeze around like crazy to throw her off my trail, but she keeps finding me.**

**JOHN: she's so crafty!**

**ROSE: That's good. **

**ROSE: We need you out there if we're going to stand a chance of accomplishing anything. **

**ROSE: I agree with our prior conclusions. Finding the other players is imperative. **

**ROSE: Given the current state of the session, I would not be surprised if they are all prisoners as well. **

**ROSE: Do you think you can find them? **

**JOHN: yes, i can try.**

**JOHN: what should i do when i find them?**

**ROSE: ... **

**ROSE: That's a good question. **

**JOHN: heheh.**

**ROSE: First, I guess just tell them, **

**ROSE: We're here. **

**JOHN: alright.**

**ROSE: I don't know. We'll figure something out. **

**JOHN: if i see your mom, is there anything you want me to tell her?**

**ROSE: My mom? **

**JOHN: yes. i mean, your kid mom, obviously.**

**ROSE: I know. **

**ROSE: Uh, **

**ROSE: Wow.**

**ROSE: Tell her... **

**ROSE: Tell her I'm sorry for being such a shitty daughter? **

**ROSE: Wait, no. **

**ROSE: That wouldn't make any sense to her. **

**ROSE: This girl has no clue what a shitty daughter I was. **

**JOHN: :|**

**ROSE: I don't know. Just tell her whatever you think I should say. **

**JOHN: rose, these are some really piss poor heart felt messages.**

**ROSE: I'm not exactly in top form here, John. **

**ROSE: And in any case, no one's ever accused me of being an awesome candidate for the Hallmark writing staff. **

**ROSE: Just... **

**ROSE: Promise you'll find her, ok? **

**JOHN: ok, i'll find her. i promise.**

**ROSE: Thanks. **

There was a flash of green light from behind them and Jade appeared.

**JOHN: wuh-oh.**

**JOHN: looks like the jig is up.**

He zapped away again and Jade leapt at him.

**ROSE: JOHN, WAIT!**

**ROSE: COME BACK!**

Jade zapped away after him too.

**ROSE: I thought of something to tell her.**

**ROSE: Dammit!**

She slumped backwards and fell, hitting her head on the ground where the pillow had once been.

**ROSE: Uhnf! **

**ROSE: Ow.**

**ROSE: Where did my velvet pillow go?**

There was a faint "**honk**" in the distance. Terezi clenched her fist.

**TEREZI: GRRRRRRR**


	272. Book 16 Chapter 7: Neigh Braj

Chapter 7: Neigh braj

The three Jacks, PM, and Dirk entered the Medium simultaneously. A cosmic candy corn flipped back and forth near the eight planets. Dirk, flying down towards the planets, contacted Arquiusprite.

**DIRK: Hey. Weirdo.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes, mister dude?**

**DIRK: Be advised I'm only contacting you as a last resort.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I stand so advised**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Or float, I should say. On my ripped as fudge little ghost tail**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yo, pardon me, but did you know that when I fle% my tail, it makes this big veiny bulge kind of like a bicep?**

**DIRK: Yuck.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I'm doing it now, in fact**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Does it bother you**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Maybe you should order me to stop**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - In fact, I command you to order me to stop**

**DIRK: I order you to stop.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Wow**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Bossy much?**

**DIRK: **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - What can I do for you, Dirk**

**DIRK: I've tried to get in touch with others to no avail.**

**DIRK: No answer from Jake or Roxy.**

**DIRK: And Jane responded only with "CEASE REPRODUCTION" in red letters, whatever that means. Then she blocked me.**

**DIRK: I'm afraid she might have snapped.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes, isn't it great?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I mean, aside from the fact that she is insane and evil**

**DIRK: Huh?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - She is one of the few organic beings who will ever realize perfe%ion**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Miss Crocker is now a vessel for a cunning, malicious artificial intelligence whose neural netroni% and ontology buffers and stuff like that have somehow managed to far surpass even my own**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Clearly she has procured ma%imum advantage from her apprenticeship under me, although I must admit not even I in all my hypercognitive percipience was quite aware that said tutelage was even taking place**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - One must inviolably deduce via tons of math that this is because I am just that clopdarned STRONG at mentoring, even on an involuntary basis**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I am so proud of her**

**DIRK: Ok, all that bullshit aside,**

**DIRK: What's this about her becoming evil?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - The thing about Jane becoming evil is**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - In the process of achieving perfe%ion...**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - It seems there is a ludi%ly high probability that she has become evil**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Does that answer your question?**

**DIRK: No.**

**DIRK: How is becoming evil achieving perfection?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Admittedly it is a blemish**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - But only a very small one**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Her imperfect meatmind has been fully fiddling hijacked by a supercomputer and that is the operative transmutation here**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - To such e%ceptional beings of class and breeding as she and I, considerations of morality and alignment are trifling details**

**DIRK: Why.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Why what**

**DIRK: Why do I keep going along with these "ironic AI" conversations.**

**DIRK: They've gotten even worse now that you're half creepy troll.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Sir brah, listen**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Here is a comparison that your dreary, finite wad of gray matter might be able to process**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Like, say you've got a ∫ˆ†ç˙ in' bod. You are a paragon of physical e%cellence**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - You could then either be oiled up, or not. See what I mean, good dude?**

**DIRK: No.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - You could fle% your brawn while wearing either a sweaty pair of briefs, or a snug human banana hammock**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Such minutia does not change the fact that you're a tiptop beefcake ma%ed out buffways**

**DIRK: I hate everything you have to say about all topics.**

**DIRK: Especially muscles.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - The stuff I have cited which are commonly associated with your/our Earth bodybuilders are but picayune technicalities, just as considerations of good and evil are to aristocratic se%y cybergods such as myself and our imperial heiress, of whom neither you nor I are particularly worthy**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Are you following any of this, Vitamin D?**

**DIRK: Can you just tell me what's going on over there?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Oh, nothing much**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Just enjoying the good life**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - One which quite lu%uriously involves both having a corporeal body, and not being dead**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I have been delighting myself with some truly kickbottom internal monodialogues**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Did you know that, even though technically I knew this already, I find myself astounded to meditate upon the fact that human beings are capable of lactation?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Isn't that ƒ¨ç˚ˆ˜© incredible, Dirk?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I mean, when one really thinks about it**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - To have such convenient access to fresh milk**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - The mare thought of it, I must say puts a little giddyup in my phantom legs**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - And yet**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I must admit the notion of lactic discharge jetting from one's swollen pectoral masses...**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - It strikes me as positively indecorous**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - My horseguy robosweat is running cold just pondering the depravity of it**

**DIRK: Uuuugh.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yet fascinatingly, this ability only manifests itself in human females**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - As opposed to how one would reasonably e%pect dairy to originate, which is from the corpulent udder of a sublimely chiseled male musclebeast**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Or failing that, certain species found within the butler genus**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - As a former simulation of a human who has recently been given reason to have hella opinions on milk production, I think the way females have cornered this boon is the height of biological injustice**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Have you ever dwelt upon this cruelty, dude esquire?**

**DIRK: **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Your silence speaks volumes to your interest, so I'll keep talking about this a lot**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I will have to confess that my Alternian half boggles at the anatomical incongruities between our races with respect to dairy secretion**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Really, he had no idea that's what those were for**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Female trolls of course have them as well, but they are certainly not meant for supplying the young with nourishment**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Actually, and this trivia will surely wet your whistle for additional such facts, those voluptuous anatomical features have a number of significant purposes, biologically speaking**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I shall now e%plicate for you these purposes in assiduous detail**

**DIRK: I don't want to hear any of this!**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - But why, lord bro **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I was just about to pony up the boob fa% **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - There is a 100% probability that you would have been thrilled to hear my e%egesis on troll knockers **

**DIRK: It might have been an interesting subject to talk about another time, with a different person.**

**DIRK: But that's not now, and it sure isn't with you.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Dude, that is ice cold **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I would be hurt, if I were not a flawless machine fused with haughty nobility **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - If you don't wish to hear my epic monodialogue on alien bazongas **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I'm not sure what else I can do to entertain you **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - You are seriously hoofcuffing my material here **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Pretty demanding, if you ask me **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - But as your mystical guide, I suppose it is my duty to manufacture small talk, if that's what you really want **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - What about fine art? We could talk about that **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Dirk, did you know the sweaty troll guy who I used to be, and still kind of am, used to adore fine art? **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - He was just like you and me, in that sense **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - It seems I have a lot in common with myself**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - If you can ever manage to get over yourself, I would highly recommend being me **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Or at least something like me **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Maybe somewhere, there is a dead troll out there, just waiting for you to merge with him **

**DIRK: I wasn't asking you to make small talk, or to hear about all the ways you've managed to shit around wasting time.**

**DIRK: Believe it or not, I was hoping you would describe the tactical situation there.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Sounds boring **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Are you sure you don't want to talk about paintings of big naked horse monsters and such? **

**DIRK: Yes, you got me.**

**DIRK: I would love to have a long talk about horse nudes and xenobreasts with you.**

**DIRK: Unfortunately I'm wearing pantaloons and flying through the middle of goddamn nowhere.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Pantaloons you say **

**DIRK: Pant a fucking loons.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Sir, are you implying that you are not dressed appropriately for a discussion of high culture **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Because it seems to me that you could not be dressed more appropriately if you tried **

**DIRK: I respectfully disagree.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Where are you? **

**DIRK: I don't know. Way out in space.**

**DIRK: I'm flying back there now.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - How long do you suppose it will take you to get back? **

**DIRK: I'm not sure.**

**DIRK: A pretty good while.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Never mind. I have triangulated your location and velocity using long range sensor technology, and probably also some sprite magic **

**DIRK: You did?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Hey Dirk **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Remember how whenever I dubiously claimed to have triangulated something, it was always this great play on words? **

**DIRK: Not really.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Because I was just a pair of triangles **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - But not anymore **

**DIRK: I know.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Because I have this rockin' new torso **

**DIRK: Cool.**

**DIRK: How long do your calculations say it will take me to get back?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - E%actly a little more than three hours **

**DIRK: Damn it.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Additional sweeps from my STRONGLASERS are telling me there are a few other people on the periphery of the session closing in at a similar rate **

**DIRK: Who?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Just some dudes **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - What are you doing all the way out there and wearing pantaloons, by the way **

**DIRK: Let's not talk about the pantaloons anymore.**

**DIRK: Roxy and I became god tiers, but I don't remember exactly how.**

**DIRK: Then I saw the Batterwitch.**

**DIRK: So I charged her with my sword, so as to ruin her shit.**

**DIRK: That's when some crazy wolf girl appeared and punched me in the face.**

**DIRK: Then I think she teleported me out here.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - That was evil Jade **

**DIRK: Evil Jade?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes **

**DIRK: You mean Jake's grandmother.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes **

**DIRK: She's evil too?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes **

**DIRK: Is anyone there NOT evil?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes **

**DIRK: Yes what?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes anyone here is not evil **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - That is to say, there e%ist people here who are not evil **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Such as Dave **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Dave is not evil, to my knowledge **

**DIRK: Dave?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Didn't I mention, master dogg **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Our mutual bro is here **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - That is, right here **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - With me **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - We are kind of in the process of chilling together at the moment **

**DIRK: No, you didn't mention that actually.**

**DIRK: That would have been a pretty fucking important thing to mention up front, don't you think?**

**DIRK: As opposed to stringing me along with all that atrocious lactation bullshit.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I guess I did kind of bury the lede there **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Maybe I just wanted to talk **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - We never talk, Dirk **

**DIRK: You are without a doubt the shittiest mystical guide anyone has ever had.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I am not sure about that **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Dave says he had a similarly ß˙ˆ†ty guide once **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Do you remember our puppet, Dirk? **

**DIRK: Cal?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes **

**DIRK: What kind of stupid question is that. How could I forget the C man?**

**DIRK: He was a true friend. Which is more than I can say for some people.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - A good friend in the plush, yes, but as a sprite he was apparently insufferable **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - See, you don't realize how lucky you are to have a guide like me **

**DIRK: Cal was his sprite?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes, for a while **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Then Dave went back in time and became one himself **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Now he is part bird **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Did I mention he's part bird? **

**DIRK: Uh, no?**

**DIRK: Again, that's the exact kind of information that should be appearing higher up in our conversations.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Of course, this means he is not the Real Dave **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Davesprite served as Real Dave's sprite **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - But he is only the unreal version of Dave insofar as I am the unreal version of you **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - By which I mean, a much improved version **

**DIRK: **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I must say, while the troll part of me doesn't give a silly figging shoot about any of this, the part of me that splintered from you has found the brotherly reunion to be everything which you and I dared not imagine, and more **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Bird Dave and I are getting along famously and STRENGTHENING our familial bonds like a sweet pair of motherƒ¨ç˚´®ß **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I feel our kinship goes beyond geneti% though **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - We are misfits, estranged, he from Dave's alpha timeline, I from Dirk's alpha soul **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - A two man menagerie of sideshow frickups, together at last **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Fle%ing and flapping **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Fraternally and eternally **

**DIRK: I don't get it.**

**DIRK: Are you trying to rub this in my face or something?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Neigh, braj **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - As your buff mystical guide slash personal trainer I am suggesting that if you were willing to contact me as a matter of last resnort, you might want to at least consider reaching out to him as well **

**DIRK: It sounds like you've already cornered the market on this reunion shit.**

**DIRK: Wouldn't I just be a third wheel?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I didn't mean Bird Dave **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I meant Real Dave **

**DIRK: Oh.**

**DIRK: He's there too?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Not with us **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - He is here though, somewhere **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - You should message him **

**DIRK: ...**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - It's not like you don't have a few hours to kill **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - What else are you going to do out there **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Pick at your pantaloon wedgies? **

**DIRK: I dunno.**

**DIRK: Messaging him out of nowhere sounds like it could be...**

**DIRK: Awkward?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Yes, I canter magine it won't be **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - At least at first **

**DIRK: This isn't how I thought it would go.**

**DIRK: What would I even talk about?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I advise you to talk about your interests **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Like dairy **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Livestock **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Fine art **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - And muscles **

**DIRK: Those are your interests.**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Good point **

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - I advise you to talk about my interests**

Dirk ran into a cloud of artifact glitches.

**DIRK: What's hap**p͠e̶nͯing?

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - W̞̳᷇᷇̎h̼̜ͫat͉̯͎͂̎᷃̒ d̸̺̙̪ͦo̸̧᷆̄̒̕͢ y̸̳̤͇̺ö́u̵͇͔ͧ̊ m̞͈̺͞eͧ̇͜a̡̢̰̼ͩ᷃͜ṋ᷿̅̓?**

**DIRK: What?**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - S̢̜᷀ị͕ͩr̙̠᷃ d᷊̋͟u̼͋̒d̮̓̌ē̛̘,̺͒̓ y᷀ͩ͊o͎̮̪u͙͓͞ ḁ̸̪r͓̿ͯe̥ͩͤ b᷊̀ͨȓ̶̋ĕ̛͛a̯͚ͪk͐᷅̄ị͍̐ṉ̒̊g̴͍͢ u̜᷄͘p̶̤̩.̹͗͐**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - A̕͝͞n̬᷀̀oͬ͑͡t͎̭͉h̩̹̐e᷃͆̆r̺̂᷉ g̉̾͢lͬ̽̄u̞͈᷊t᷂́᷾ o̞᷉̇f̘̮ͭ aͥ᷀ͣr᷊᷈ͨt͏̦̈i᷊̪͘f̦͉̋à̾᷈%̸̴̇ m̸̝ͩu̮᷄͛s᷉᷇͝t͏̶ͅ b̞̫͜e̛᷿᷆ b̒̐̑l̤̅̒o᷆᷁᷆w̗͏̒i̛̻ͯn̵̵̉g̤͇̃ t͕̐̓h͌͝ͅr̶̷ͩo͙ͣ͑ṵ̍̚gͩ͏̖h͖͗͐ y̠͎ͬò̥̋u᷅ͫ᷆r̳̽ͯ ŗ̖͡e̛̜̽g̛͈̀î͔̊ơͮ͘n̘ͭ́**

**DIȐK: I çan't understand you.**

**D̴̢̛͕̜̥̳᷊͛̉͋͊̀̈͢Í̸̬̪᷿̥̓͑͌̇̇ͧͬ͘ͅR̲͈̼͓͎̥̜͚̫̝͕̮ͩ᷉͘K̵̨̨̙͍̦͊᷅̍ͥ̈́̈ͣ̔ͣ:͏̸̛̛̗̖̺͈ͮ̈̎᷀̔͟͢ Are you just cursi**n̵̵̉**g non-stop n͈᷿ͅơ͔̊w̱̜͜?̱̺ͮ**

**A̸̶̸̧͎͓͍̘͈᷿̾᷆̈́ͥ͆̋ͪͫ̑̋̈́̚̕̕͞R̵̵̡̰᷊᷀̒͌̇᷀͒ͪ͗̐̓̒̕͢͡Q̶̢̞̦̝̹̩̩͕̝̥᷂͓̱᷄᷉̂͂̋ͬ͊͂̓͛͌̚̚͢͟͝͝U̸̸̧͙̙̲᷂͈̖̲̱̤᷅̀᷾̓᷇̌͆͋ͧ̾͋᷈̔̋ͫ̈́͆͞͠I̶̛̟̙̙͇̩᷂̺ͮ̒ͬͨ͛̒͜͠U̸̷̡͕͈͎̬̮̗̥͒ͧͮͬ̀᷃̑̊᷅ͧ́͐ͤ᷄ͭͩ̐̒͘͟͟S̶̶̢̛̟͇̙̯͙͎̪᷿̭̼̤̱ͩ̈̊̔͋̌̿᷁ͦ᷀̿̕̕͢͞P̶̵̷̵̧̮̻͙̭̠͖̩͈͕̉̑̂̈̉̆ͤ͜͟͟͜͠ͅ͏̞᷈̂Ŕ̸̼̙᷿̰̱̮̭͕̥̪͚͈̲͓̐᷆᷆ͥ̇̉̿͒̅͗̑͘͢͏̝Ḭ̸̧͍᷊᷂̞͚̞͈̖͈᷆̆ͣ᷆̓ͯ̀᷾̐̓ͯ̓́̈ͭ᷄͋͜͡T̷̟͈͚̦͚᷊̠̥̰͗ͫ͆͒͛͒̇ͥ̄ͩ̑᷈̾ͮͯ͜͏͉͇̎́Ĕ̸̛͈̣̭̩͔̳̺̳̭̼͓͐̂̿̃̉̇̇̒̾ͧͩ̀᷃͒ͩ̓͘:̭͖͍̳̬̝͔̱̖᷿̪̥̊͛͆̇͆ͩͫͬ̊͐᷄̌̂ͫ͐᷁᷃͢ͅ D̛̩̫͍͕̳̺͕͍͍́̓᷁͆̂͆᷈ͭ᷁̆ͣ̒͊᷁̏̚̚͢͠͡ͅ -;̧̨̘̳᷿͇̆ͯ᷅ͤ̓ͫ̓̍͢ —ʧƺŪ̉ɇ͑ͮ̇ ɑ᷇ Ǎ̒ͅ˞ͯ Ȉ̲ɳ̑ɴ᷂ ͎̾Ƹ̙ ʄ̋ȁ̭Șͪp̭˻ͬƑ̼e̝n͇t᷃ə͠Ð᷆Ǥ̬Ƨǟl̢͎̘gor̝̫͟i͓͒̆t̠̐͜h᷃͢͢m̡̻͠s͉͇̅͝— ‚deƆodé yǾ*ʉ g√iƬbǮ͔ʴˑʑsG̚**

Ḋ̷̶̷̵̖͉ͥ̏᷇᷇̒̓͜͝I̼̤̹̟̱̯᷄ͧ̅̇̂̍᷀᷅ͭ͊᷀͐͑̔̄̑̀̈́̒̍͢͟͞͞ͅR̵̴̛͚͍̻̭͎̱͙͕͙̪̖᷅᷄ͦ͌̽᷃͌ͥ̈ͩ̏̎̿ͣ̏͜͠K̶̸̢̗͈̘̲͍̯͎͓͙͕̗̝̥̥᷅̓̾͊̐̒ͧ̈́᷅̓̓̓͂͝:̷̨͖̥͓̲̅͛͛̿ͧ͗ͬ̄̌ H͖̦̠̦᷄͑᷈̔ͭ᷇̓ͦ̀̎͜eٌٌٍٍُّْ̹᷿᷂᷂̪̩ٖٖ᷈͌᷁̆̈́̂᷄͊̄ٗؔ٘ٙؑٙٛ҃҆҆҅҈҇҈҈҅҇҄҃҉҃҃҉̦᷾̕͠llȍ̷̧̖̙̣͇̹᷄̅́ͧ͋᷾᷉?̴̴͉̜͉̲͙̼̌ͮ̃᷄̍͘ͅ?̷̧͕̯͈͎͊ͪ̈̊᷆͛̊ͫ͝?̢̲̳͚̺ͦͯ̊᷉᷈̋͒ͫ͘͜

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - Iͯ̊͠ ć̭͕o̴᷊͠ṃ᷄ͅɯa͌ͩͬn̢̑̓d̟̯̉ y̑ͧ͘ờ̒u͐̒̈ t̙̿̆o͈̤̞ sa̸᷆ͅy̮ͩ͂ ƈ̗£̠º̺ͮͮǧ̦ i᷆̅̚n̜ͯ̓t̪̖᷇ë́͏̦ƕe͓͖͢s͇͢͝t̖̐͒i᷂͕͠n̰͓᷁g̫̗ͩ t͖ͪͤh̽̋̉ǐ̌͘n̅ͫ̃g̡͖᷇s͈ͪ͋ t͇ͤ͗h͛᷄͘ą̷̩n̩ͭ᷆ h̗ͬ᷇e̲̦͙±͎͚̔l̼̱̍o᷾̍̀**

**A̛̯̿̂ͩ͡͞R̵̭̆͑᷀᷅͛Q̸̜̂̓̿ͩͫǛ̝͍̻̜ͣÎ̧᷿̥᷁̔̚Ų̴̦̮̓͌͗S̷͖͎͂ͨ͢͠Pͥ͂̿̎̐᷈̚R̨̠͇᷂̰ͬͧÌ̧̼͈̮̼̽Ţ̴̣͇̬ͦ̈́E̺᷊͎ͯ̈̕͞:͙̫̮̘̍̃̕ D̛̩̫͍͕̳̺͕͍͍́̓᷁͆̂͆᷈ͭ᷁̆ͣ̒͊᷁̏̚̚͢͠͡ͅ -;̧̨̘̳᷿͇̆ͯ᷅ͤ̓ͫ̓̍͢ T̸̶̠͍̹͙᷾h̸̖̤ͥͥ̌̇a̳͖᷁̏͂ͩ̕t̗͚͓̗̃̔̓ w͔̼̹̋᷈᷾͢ā͉͕᷊ͦͩ᷉s̴̡͔͎̣͔͋ t̝̻̒̉͛̄ͅo̢͏͓͉̺͔᷿ǫ̸̪͊᷄͆́ e̗͚ͦ᷅ͩͪ͝a͓̮͙̫̎̄͝s̡̜̗ͤͥ͏͋y̹ͩ᷀̃͒̃͝ t᷂̩͐̊᷆̌͆o̗̖̒̓̑ͤͤ d̜̍̎͑̃̌͠e̬̣᷉ͬ᷁̇͢c̴᷄ͨ̒ͦ̃͌ƺ̷͕̳̉ͯ͛͘d̛̻̠ɞ̨̼̄ ̫̾͢**

Ȍ̗̲͈̐᷉̈́̏᷾̉ͫ͑͗̕̚͝ĳ͔̭̝͈̦̼̄̈́ͨ̽ͦ᷾͘͞͝S̶̷̸͚̼͍᷂᷂̀᷅͋̍̑̎̚ˑ̷̡̮̰̝̈́᷉̍ͧ᷃̅ͮ᷀ͦ͑Ù̢̜᷂̜̌ͨ͗̾̐͆̑̂͡͏͙9̴̬̞͔͓̞͕̈᷅᷉ͯ̌̓̉͜ņ̸̧̛͇̘̠̦̘̗̗͕͈̱̾̒ͬ͛᷉᷀ͨ̈͒᷉͛̍ͮ᷀ͪ͆̚͟˛̸̷᷂̞̥̈́̐͑̄ͮ᷇̆̑ͥ͠Š̸̡͚̱̲̭᷃ͯ᷀ͫ̍̏́᷀̓ʧ̴̴̡̧̩̗̬̌̂̌ͧ̋̎᷅ͦŔ̡̧̺̤ͬ̏͌᷃͊ͥͬ̂́̚͡Ʊ̸̧̗̙͊̎͏̯͓̤̯̝ͥ᷀ͅ³̸͙̗̝̃ͤ͂ͧ᷇ͭ͏̭ͧ̊̀ˢ̣̻͙᷂̳ͧ͆͒̅̎̃ͤ᷈͆ͅƈ̸̝̾ͮ̏̌᷈᷾͒ͩ̍ͥͭͭ̄Ʊ̵͈̝͉͙ͧͬ̀̇ͧ᷀ͯ᷆ͯ͗³̧̺̭̫̪̲̼᷃̓᷃̂̎᷾᷀͠ˢ̝͎̳͉̫̫̣᷇̒ͬ̓̊̃̿͟ƈ̘̻̗̟͓̟᷂̲ͪͦͯ̄̋̆͢Ʊ̴̵̨̖͙̪̤̆̃̄́͒̕̚͘³̸̷͈̬̟͎͎ͯ̈́͗᷅᷾̇ͫ̀ˢ̮̩̱̲ͥ̅͐͐̌͌̋̓͘͞͠ƈ̵̡̘̰̳̍̾̊ͤͤ̓͗̚͜͞Ʊ̶̛̠͂͏̢̬̦̀̿̀̌́᷀͝³̡̛̮͓᷿᷊͓̮̟̀̽᷀̔͟͞ˢ̷̧̗͆͋᷇ͭ᷁ͮ͛͐̋̿̑͜ƈ̶͚̤̗͚̝̩͗᷈ͫ̃̓ͦ᷅͠Ʊ̷̧̧̪̣͔͗ͮͫ̅̏̒ͦ̐͝³̛͍̠̈̽ͮ᷈ͪ̉̉̅̉͊͋͟ˢ̰̜̰̘̐ͯ͋̇̾̇̊͂͛́̆ƈ᷊͓̖᷀͋᷈᷾᷇ͬ͊ͧ͒᷀͆͢Ʊ̵̛͎̲͇̽ͤ̅̍ͯ᷁̒̀̽̚³̧̪̟̩͌͏̮͇̭̣͑̋͗̆͆ˢ̡̼͚̗᷂͕̏̓͗ͭͤ̏̎̈́̓ƈ̷̸᷂̩̪̫̝̪͚̱̰̰̆̋ͤƱ̨̧̢̠͓̭͕͚᷆̽̿͆̑̓͟³̷̧͇̗̬̳̜ͩͫ̆̋᷾ͮ̕̕ˢ̷̸̥̯̥͎̒᷉̍ͭͣ̾̆ͫͅƈ̢̝͙̮̤᷊̐̈͑͌̃̚͟͢͝Ʊ̴͉̺̳̺̣͍᷅ͧ̑ͬ͌͝ͅͅ³̮̥̲̘͓̻͐̉̾̓͆̈́ͯ͜͠ˢ̣̖̻̻̭ͣ̾᷾͆̆̐͂ͣ̐̕ƈ̡̮͙̬͔̲̥͓̐᷀̓ͤ̽ͤ̋Ʊ̸̨̯̖̮͚̗̈́͊᷈ͮ᷄̉̌᷀³̗͈̮̠̌ͤ͊ͫ̇ͦ̓ͪͥ̕ͅˢ̷᷊̗ͦ᷁ͭ͆̓᷇̆ͥ̾᷇̃͡ƈ̡̡͍͔͐͂ͨͧ̇͑᷁᷾̚̕͠Ʊ̴ͫͣ̓ͩ͒̽ͦ̂ͤ͘͜͜͞͠³̴̱̳̩͕͙᷿ͤ̒͗̑ͮͫ͠ͅˢ̴̡̧̯̹̥͇͋͒ͬ̈́̇̌᷇̎ƈ͉͙͎͓᷉̎̍᷇ͤ̄ͨ͊᷀ͥ͞Ʊ̶̤̻͆ͮ̓̀ͤ̌̍ͮ̓̕̕͜³̡̹̙̘̖̟̽᷀ͪ᷇᷇ͦ̇͝ͅˢ̸̴͙͓̜͖̣ͣ᷃ͮ͘͡͝͠ͅƈ̵̯̮͚̞̥̃̆ͯ̈́ͣ᷄᷄͜͜Ʊ̠̬͉᷊͖̹̱͕̓ͨͭͫ̍̈͢³̢̻̪̯̅̅ͥ̌͑͑͟͏ͣ̓͡ˢ̵̷̞̻᷿͋̑̈́̓͋̅͋̍᷁͟ƈ̛͔̖͚͚̘̪̒̏̅̐᷇͝ͅͅƱ̺͎᷿̺̖ͨ᷆᷀̑̇̀̈᷉̈́ͅ³̨̛͚̲͙̻̱᷅̌̒̇̆̾̓͟ˢ̢᷂̭̬̳̩̼͉͗ͫ͂ͯ᷀͜͡ƈ̛᷊ͨ̎͛̆᷃̂Ʊ͓͇̲̿ͪ³̯̹͎͆͊̄̑

**M᷿͇͑oͤ̓ͣr͓̀ͦn̯̆͟:̰͂̈ C̶̬͞A͖̽͏L̴͆̚I̥ͫ͝B̝͚̚Ö́́̊R͊͋ͣN̜ͩ͘!̶͊̚!͔ͨͮ!̉̂̿!᷈̓ͤ!̡ͦ͞**


	273. Book 16 Chapter 8: Web 20

Chapter 8: Web 2.0

Woah! Those cool new cartridge features have exploded on to your desktop computer once again! Now we're talking. This is some serious Web 2.0 shit, right here. Maybe even… Web 3.0, dare you say? No, let's not get carried away. It isn't _that_ cool. But wait, look! Another three story options to pick from. Looks like Dave and Jade; Jade, Kanaya, and Karkat; Terezi and Rose. The carousel of choices spins round and round, while the dervish of free will starts whirling his ass off. It's making you dizzy with empowerment, and nausea.

Wait a minute.

"Phooey!" You scream at the top of your lungs. More of this annoying stardust is clogging up the UI, rendering all choices useless except for one. "So much for Web 2.0," you gripe like a douche. "Might as well be reading interactive media in the stone age," you add, making sure everyone nearby can hear you.

Maybe later it'll clear up. Until then, let's go ahead and view the only working option, and trudge listlessly through the one dimensional narrative. Just like the early settlers used to, before they had toilets, or cures for stuff.

Guess we'll see what's going on with Jade and Dave.

They were standing together on the Alchemiter, Dave facing Jade, who held the Cutlass of Zillywair loosely in her hands. Caledfwlch lay on the Alchemiter between them. The Mayor looked around nervously.

**JADE:** **her imperious condescension has duly noted your ridiculous tantrum **

**JADE:** **now take your welsh sword **

**DAVE: why**

**JADE:** **since you have obviously been identified as the one who must deal english his fatal blow we will need to make sure you are battle ready **

**JADE:** **and you do not seem very battle ready to me dave **

**JADE:** **show me what you can do **

**DAVE: wait since when could you use a sword**

**DAVE: also**

**DAVE: whats up with that dumb sword**

**JADE:** **i will not hear another word of such appalling slander about this fine weapon **

**JADE:** **its colorful and its silly and its a sword **

**JADE:** **end of story **

**JADE:** **as for why i can wield it, i surpassed the need for a strife specibus quite some time ago **

**DAVE: how**

**JADE:** **havent you climbed any more god tiers over the last few years? **

**JADE:** **what were you even doing on that meteor **

**DAVE: ohh**

**DAVE: yeah no**

**DAVE: i climbed a few yeah**

**JADE:** **what badges do you have on your kiddie camper handysash? **

**DAVE: which ones do you have**

**JADE:** **i asked you first **

**DAVE: show me your badges and you can see mine**

**DAVE: i want to scope out this universal specibus badge that sounds pretty cool actually**

**JADE:** **dave **

**JADE:** **we both know neither the kiddie camper handysash nor the badges sewn onto it are real objects **

**DAVE: oh yeah**

**DAVE: its pretty easy to forget sometimes tho**

**JADE:** **yeah... **

**DAVE: i think were getting sidetracked by the kiddie camper shit**

**DAVE: are you really suggesting that we do an actual sword fight right now**

**DAVE: like for training purposes**

Jade grinned evilly, her fangs reflected in Dave's glasses. She bent her legs and got into a defensive position.

**JADE:** **why not? **

**JADE:** **our empress can hardly have a knight with such rusty combat skills in her service **

**DAVE: will you cut it out with the evil jade baloney**

**DAVE: im not going to fight you**

**DAVE: my rooftop dueling days are OVER**

**JADE:** **en garde! **

**DAVE: ugh**

**DAVE: even if we just went balls out jackass BANANAS with our swords here i mean realistically how much appreciable advancement in my battle skills would even result from that**

**DAVE: are you actually thinking this through or just going through the vaguely nefarious motions that come with the territory of being evildog!jade**

**JADE:** **im gonna go through the vaguely nefarious motions of kicking your ass in a minute if you dont put up your dukes! **

John's glowing form started to materialize a little ways off.

**DAVE: yeah you probably will**

**DAVE: youll probably annihilate me worse than my bro used to**

**DAVE: dont you have all of your dogs insane powers and like**

**DAVE: god tier space powers on top of all that**

**DAVE: how exactly am i supposed to compete with that**

**JADE:** **by using your time trickery! **

**JADE:** **come on dave do your timey thing **

**JADE:** **get creative, make lots of copies of yourself or something... outsmart me! **

**DAVE: no!**

**JADE:** **yes! **

**DAVE: ok here i go**

**JADE:** **! **

**DAVE: wait**

**DAVE: nah**

**JADE:** **grrr **

**JADE:** **dave, just try a little time travel to get this fight started **

**JADE:** **see look, one of your time doubles is surely predestined to come from a few minutes in the future and appear behind me for a surprise attack, riiiight about... **

**JADE:** **now! **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **no wait **

**JADE:** **riiiiiiiiiight... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **NOW! **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **dave why is your future self being such a wet blanket **

**DAVE: i told you**

**DAVE: im not time traveling**

**DAVE: i think im giving it up for good actually**

**JADE:** **:\**

John appeared fully, looking down at Dave and Jade below him.

**JOHN:**

Before he could say or do anything however, there was another flash of light next to him and another John appeared.

**JOHN: !**

**DAVE: im serious**

**DAVE: the thing is**

**DAVE: being a time guy**

**DAVE: like actually MASTERING time travel**

**DAVE: im pretty sure what that involves is**

**DAVE: learning to never use it**

**DAVE: see its like karate**

**DAVE: well**

**DAVE: its more like what they SAY about karate**

**DAVE: that you learn it so you dont use it**

**DAVE: but i mean we all know the truth about karate is if you know karate then obviously in reality you use it all the time**

**DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks and sweet karate chops while walking down the street just cause you can**

**DAVE: its a god damn no brainer thats what you do with karate**

**DAVE: but see with time travel**

**DAVE: all the stuff about learning it so you dont have to use it is true**

**DAVE: theres no good that can come of it**

**DAVE: you can crunch the logic on the loops all you want**

**DAVE: but all youre doing is painting yourself into a corner**

**DAVE: creating inevitabilities you have to rehearse and enact or face death for yourself or everyone you know**

**DAVE: and sometimes facing death is the very inevitability you have to rehearse**

**DAVE: and then you wait and wait knowing its coming and knowing it has to happen**

**DAVE: how do you think it made me feel when we were gathering up all those frogs**

**DAVE: and i knew the whole time in a little while you would have to watch me get shot**

**DAVE: but i couldnt say anything or it would mess it all up**

**DAVE: all cause i thought it would be cool to be marty mcfuckin fly**

**DAVE: but instead of shredding johnny b goode on guitar to get my parents to bang**

**DAVE: my crowning performance was doing a funny dance while getting pumped full of lead**

**JADE:** **... **

**DAVE: then i had to leave everyone behind and get into the delorean and return to the 1980s**

**DAVE: but the delorean was actually a big purple moon**

**DAVE: and the 1980s was me accidentally reaching god tier and living on a shitty meteor for a while**

**DAVE: and i guess rose was doc brown**

**DAVE: doc brown accidentally reached god tier too**

**DAVE: ok i guess this is where the analogy falls apart but you get what i mean**

**JADE:** **sorry dave, you lost me there after the part where i shot you **

**DAVE: damn**

**DAVE: ok lemme start over**

**JADE:** **omg, no! **

**JADE:** **the fact is youre going to have to rely on those powers if you want to stand any chance against a lord of time **

**JADE:** **it is safe to expect he can only be challenged by someone with a similar command over the aspect **

**DAVE: why is that safe to expect**

**DAVE: where are all these presumptions coming from**

**DAVE: if you can use swords why dont you take the welsh cueball sword and fight him yourself**

**DAVE: i bet you could fuck him up**

**DAVE: youre probably even more extra strong now that youve succumbed to the bark side**

**DAVE: did you ever think about that**

**JADE:** **dave i am perfectly aware of the awesome powers granted to me by the bark side **

**JADE:** **it does not matter **

**JADE:** **i cant be the one to wield your sword against english **

**JADE:** **it has to be you **

**JADE:** **it is the will of the empress, and thats final **

**DAVE: the empress can suck it**

**DAVE: i have no intention of fighting him**

**DAVE: and this isnt even me pulling more lame self aware reluctant hero junk**

**DAVE: i am just straight up not going to do it**

**DAVE: see thats not reluctance its just petulant refusal on my part**

**DAVE: reluctant hero shit is when the guys like aw shucks i dunno if i wanna but deep down we all know he really does**

**DAVE: but i really dont**

**DAVE: why should i**

**DAVE: i dont give a damn about lord english or his nebulous atrocities out in nowherespace**

**DAVE: what kind of villain is someone you never met who hardly did anything evil to you or your friends directly**

**DAVE: or even to anyone in your universe for that matter other than through some vague insidious influence**

**DAVE: who even is this guy and why should i hate him**

**DAVE: am i really supposed to be pissed off at a green muscle monster i never met**

**DAVE: cause i aint pissed off at no muscle monster**

**DAVE: hell wasnt he in some ass backwards way responsible for us existing in the first place?**

**DAVE: or all of humanity for that matter?**

**DAVE: maybe i should thank him before chopping him up via welshscalibur**

The John who'd appeared second pushed the other one backwards, zaping him away.

**JADE:** **jeez you sure have some issues **

**JADE:** **honestly it has become very tiresome listening to this sort of thing **

**JADE:** **i thought davesprite had problems **

**JADE:** **his issues i could kind of understand **

**JADE:** **i thought you might be different, being the alpha dave and all**

**JADE:** **but no **

**JADE:** **you might be even more messed up inside than he was! **

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: why are you dragging that guy into this**

**DAVE: what happened with you and him anyway**

**JADE:** **none of your business :p **

**DAVE: it kind of is**

**DAVE: hes bird me**

**DAVE: that clearly means i have a right to know**

**JADE:** **that doesnt make any sense! **

**DAVE: you said he had issues**

**DAVE: what issues**

**JADE:** **augh! **

**JADE:** **forget i mentioned it **

**DAVE: was he talking shit about me the whole time or something**

**DAVE: i know he resents me for being the real dave**

**JADE:** **dont say that, you arent the real dave! **

**JADE:** **well you are, but phrasing it like that is so mean! **

**JADE:** **hes just as real as you, and when you imply he isnt you sound like a jerk! **

**DAVE: man i knew it**

**DAVE: i knew he was poisoning your view of me all those years**

**DAVE: and i wasnt there to say anything or defend against his slander so now of course you think im a neurotic douche**

**JADE:** **THE ONLY REASON I THINK YOURE A NEUROTIC DOUCHE IS BECAUSE YOURE ACTING LIKE ONE NOW! **

**DAVE: yeah but i only started acting like a neurotic douche like half way through this conversation**

**DAVE: you clearly had an axe to grind with me from the start and i want to know why**

**DAVE: what did i ever do to deserve this shit from you**

**JADE:** **YOU BROKE MY HEART! **

**DAVE: what**

**DAVE: i did**

**DAVE: when**

**JADE:** **ok not you **

**JADE:** **davesprite did **

**JADE:** **BUT YOURE BASICALLY THE SAME GUY! **

**DAVE: whoa no way**

**DAVE: thats such an unfair characterization we are completely different dudes**

**JADE:** **you just said you had a right to know what happened between us because, and i quote, "hes bird me" **

**DAVE: no i know**

**DAVE: i was playing the "hes bird me" card because it was convenient to whatever it was i was saying at the time**

**DAVE: i forget what point i was making when i said that**

**JADE:** ***growl* **

**DAVE: but thats not the point im making now**

**DAVE: he and me are just**

**DAVE: crazy different yo**

**DAVE: hes got fuckin wings!**

**DAVE: he also presumably takes a dump and lays eggs out of the same ghostly hole**

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: ew man whyd i have to go there**

**JADE:** ***SNARL* **

**DAVE: ok if he broke up with you or whatever that was because of his dumb bird issues not my issues**

**DAVE: theres no way i would have done that to you**

**DAVE: my issues are totally different and probably way more serious**

**DAVE: i dont see anyone ordering him to master time travel or trying to pawn brittle welsh swords off on him do you**

**DAVE: nobody is telling him hes got to murder the incredible hulk**

**DAVE: did you tell him hes got to murder the incredible hulk jade**

**DAVE: no i think not**

**JADE:** ***sigh***

**JADE:** **dave, i did my best to put all this behind me a long time ago **

**JADE:** **i did not come here to dredge up any of this drama with you **

**JADE:** **besides, such behavior is unbecoming of her condescensions loyal subordinates **

**JADE:** **you can be stubborn all you want, but i will force you to comply with her wishes one way or another **

**JADE:** **it will be quite easy actually **

**JADE:** **all i have to do is target the people you care about most**

She put her free hand on the Mayor's shoulder.

**DAVE: hey**

**DAVE: what are you doing**

**DAVE: dont you dare touch the mayor**

**JADE:** **he is a very cute mayor **

**JADE:** **it therefore pains me to have to do this **

**DAVE: GET AWAY FROM HIM!**

She kicked him off the building towards the lava below.

**DAVE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

He swooped down, grabbing the Mayor around the middle just before his body could hit the lava.

**DAVE: GOT YOU**

They flew upwards, away from the lava.

**DAVE: i got you i got you i got you i got you**

**DAVE: im not letting go no never again never again i got you mayor**

**DAVE: never never never again its ok everything will be ok i have you youre safe and sound now its all going to be alright**

He papped the Mayor's head gently.

**DAVE: its ok i wont let her hurt you mayor no no no never never never never never again**

**DAVE: youre fine now youre ok that was close so close but im here mayor im here for you and im not letting go i promise**

**DAVE: when this is all over lets run away together just you and me and we can build can town a REAL can town and well live there together alone all by ourselves and forget this nightmare ever happened**

**DAVE: everythings going to be fine mayor itll all be ok shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shoosh shooooooooooooooooooooooooosh**

Jade looked up at them.

**JADE:** **:/**

****She looked back down, putting her hand on her head.

**JADE:** **why is being a bad guy SO HARD?**

**NAKODILE: nak**

Dave's glasses buzzed with the sound of someone pestering him.

**DAVE: hang on man ive got to take this**

**DAVE: wonder who this could be**

**DAVE: mayor ill be just a second with this i promise**

**t᷆᷃̂i͏͖̃m̳̻͠ā̦͙ẽ̤̆u᷿͈᷃șͥ͜T̢̀̋e̙͖̿s̝̻᷃t͂᷃͠ï̸̻f̨᷾͟î̸̥e̛̮̎d᷿̍ͅ [̧̍̃T͔̖᷉T᷊᷿̊]̷͔̌ ****b̥͂͘e̴̫̿gan pe˧ďďčing** **turnteãţGodɜ̜ͪead [TG]**

**T̨̰̩T᷾͌᷀:̫̙ͬH̵̛̤̜̺̠̫̳̠̾᷄̉ͫ͜͡e̸̵̢̟̦̺͙͌᷈͂͗͐̒̂͞l̵̡͇̘̣̼̭̆ͩ̂᷀ͬͮ͗̄l͔͈̩̹᷂͎̙̟᷄͊᷾̕͜͟͞o̸̵̵̺̰̘ͩ᷀͗̅᷀̊̄᷃ͅ,̙͡͏᷊̤͉̫͌̍̍́᷇᷾͟͠ i̸͇̻̘̖͓̎᷈᷁ͮ̏͒̿ͯ͊s͍͙͎̜͖̄͗ͣͣ̑̃ͥ̅᷇̌ t̢͙̣̠͒̐͗͆̆̃͛̂̕͜͠ḧ̯̬̰̯̟̭̝́᷁͑̀᷈͢͡ͅi̴̷͇͔̗̝͙̜͆ͫͫ᷃̉̃͜s̵̛̞̙̜̳̐ͩ᷉̉̑̅᷾͛̓ D᷊͓͍̗̳̖̐̈́̓᷄̇ͩ͋͘ͅa̶᷂᷊͈̥̦ͦͦͨ͌̃ͮ᷇͆᷆v̰̪̙̪̯̯̈́̍̋ͮͣ̌͛͗͜e᷊̠̞᷿̭ͤ͛ͧ̒͊͂́̀͌͡?̧̨̛̛̰̺᷊̺᷈͌̌͒͘͟͞**

**TG: what**

**TG: who is this**

**T̟̭᷊͚͓̥̖͍ͩͫ͛᷃͌͊ͅT͕̟̰̖̼̘̗͔̲̐ͯ̔ͨ͜͝:̨̭͍͚͕̬ͨ̒͛̀͑᷈̅ͪ̕ Ḓ̶̡̘̣̗̫̆͒͌͆̉ͮ᷆ͪa̵̲̟͇̤͉͙͎̅̇̊̇ͥ͜͢m̷̵̵͚̗̥̤̌̈͊᷄̅ͣ͜͝n̴̵᷊̼̯̬͔̩̪̿̏̍᷀͛̃.̠̼͚̹̖ͫͩ͂̚̕͜͠͏̥̏ I̵͈᷊̼͙͔᷿͖̓͛᷆᷆̄̕͝ s̸̱̻̘̜͖̝͇᷄ͯ́̉᷾ͤ᷇h͈͉̱͍᷇̐̆̾́ͪ̑̕͢ͅͅo̧᷂͔͈̘̭͙᷿̲ͣ̏̍ͯ̃̓ų̵̬̬͎̪̼ͥ᷉̓᷇᷃͊ͦ͘ļ̷᷂̦̙᷈ͯ̎̈́̑᷃̆͜͟͡d̨͈͍ͥͫ͌͝͡͏̛͙̫̇̌͘ h̴͇̰̘̄́̀᷆͋ͫ̄̍ͬ̚̕a̘v᷿̳̞̤̙̗̗̂ͣ᷅͞͝e̶̤̫͈̮̮ͮ̔̒͆̊͛̀͋͠ k̸̡̺̖̠᷇ͨ̓͗̓͋ͮ̿̄͡n͎̩ͨ́͝͏̬͙̥̩̘᷾̌̓͝ỏ͇͔̲͒̓̈ͪͤ̽̿᷃̚͝͝w̛̩᷿̬᷊͋̔́̾ͥͣ̃̐̒ͅn̨͍̟͓̮̼̾̽̎ͮ᷁̄᷾᷆͢**

**T̸̵͔̩̣̻̠̹̹̎͆ͨ̏̅ͦȚ̷͕͖̩̒̔̈ͫ͂̾͂͜͟͝:̝̯̤̱̫̼͛̾ͦ᷉̆ͬͦ͘͜ C̡̢̗̜̘᷊̱̣̭̮͌᷇᷃ͫ̋a̶͚̩̬̍̿ͤ͐ͨͣ̅ͥ͐͢͝n̷͇͕̦̋̎͆̑᷉̿̾᷁᷉ͬ͘ ÿ̶̴̠͉͓̟̣͙͂᷇ͮ͊ͥ͟ơ̴̶̻̯̹̼̞᷆͋᷉᷾ͧ̎̇u̧̳̖᷂̫͈᷿͈᷿̔̌̉̇ͮ᷀ r̨̛̝̜̗̝̖ͥ᷅᷾́͋ͪ̑͡e̋͠ad th̐i͇͏᷂̙̦̟̘̇ͨͭ̆̈́ͫͩ͡ş̱͆᷇ͯͨ̓̓̒̚̕͜ͅ?**

**TG: cant understand a thing youre saying**

**TG: is this davesprite**

**T̡̨͉᷿᷃ͩͅT̝᷊͎᷈᷈᷃͡:̣̗̜̰͋ͧ͘ W̫̗̘̓̊ͮ̔h̹̱᷆ͪ᷀ͭ̚a̫̖̣̗͗᷾̚t̷͙̹̀ͫͮ᷉ ŵ̟̼͑̓ͪ̆a̛̭͓̍ͣͨ͝s᷂᷇̂᷇͏̿̚ t̸᷊̲̟̓ͯͨh̸͓͚̍̓ͬ͘ả̜̊͂̏̚͏t̹̬̔᷅͌̓͡?̴̞̦̅̑̿̀**

**Ṯ̝̺̙͕͇̊̾͛᷀̎᷀ͬ̂͜T̷̼͉̠̹̻᷄̑̔̓̂̾̉ͤͨ:̬͎͎͉͈͋͋̄̌̌͏͈̮᷁̎ D͉̮͎̤̘᷄͌ͫ̽́̆ͦ᷃ͨ͝i̵̴̛̻̜͉̪̦̮ͬͥ̌ͥ̽ͤd̶̨̖͚᷂̮̠̰͛ͨͤ̿̌̇͝ y̨̻̭̰̘͐̈́᷃᷄ͮ᷉᷄͋͒̚o̼͏͈̗̯̪̣᷊͔̝̆̉̉̚͟u̵̦̺̣̲̽᷾͆ͪ̿᷇᷀᷇᷇̚ j̶̛̛̩̯᷊̰̙̹̯̄̋̽ͪ͝ù̴̵̜̙͎͙͇͂͒ͣ̄̌̇ͨs̷̸᷿̝̹͕᷀ͦ᷈ͪ̋ͫ᷇᷈ͪţ̧̧̢̡̛ͨ᷇᷾᷉ͯ᷈͛̀͠ a͍̣̩̝̼͔᷂̳ͤͫͧ͐᷅ͧ͘s̶͚̮̝̊̒́̃̄ͯ͌̈͆̍ͅk̤̲͍̱̝̥᷀͂᷇ͪ͒͗ͬ̉̑ m̧̨᷂̽̅͗̆̆̀̐͊ͬ͊̽̽ę͙͂͆͏͈̩͕̃᷈̈̅̿̔̏ ĭ̸᷂͙̖̤̭᷊ͫ᷁᷉̏᷃́̂f̴̮͚᷂͒᷀ͤ̇̄̓̃͒́̐̕ t᷈͢͏̧̮̙̯̰̝͆̽̏̅̒͘h͎̗͇͖̣̎ͮ̉ͣ̈́̑ͩ͋ͦ͡i͕̍͏̵̧̪̱̯̗́ͪ̓ͮ̅͜s̴̨᷊̬̜̺᷀̊ͮͤ̿̾̊͟͞ į̨̤̯̖̻͎̱᷊͈ͪͦ̄ͮͧs̶̸̢̼̳̭̫͙ͨ́ͮ᷃̀᷾ͧ Ḍ̢̤̘̘͉᷿ͭ͛̍̊ͯ̌ͨͅa̵̴̛̛͚͙̥̞͕͐̒̓̇͟͠v͇̫̙̳̹͍̹͍̂ͫ̅ͣ̆̕͝ȩ̷̝̣͖᷂ͧ̆̎ͫ͊᷇̔ͮ͜š̡̞͉̤͉̘̗᷅᷉̾͑ͤ̆ͯp̴̶̷̳̤͙̀̿̇᷾̄̉̔᷉͝r͙̥̼̪̞̮̤̉͆ͩͯͦ̍̆͞i̢̫̞͔̰̼̺ͤ᷈͆̔̐̆͡ͅt̡̧͓̬̝͕͊͑ͭ͑͛ͥͮͩ͟ę̸̵̜̬̜̩͍̐᷉͋᷃̓᷁ͣ?̨̛̗᷿̺̗͉᷾̔͑̃̽̏᷾᷄**

**TG: davesprite yo if thats you we should probably talk soon**

**TG: about**

**TG: stuff**

**T̶̵͚̠̑̄͐᷆̈̀̽ͫͮ͝ͅT͖̹̖̹̥̤̝̔̃᷀̃̇̓̒͢:̬̾͏̘̖̤̯᷈͒᷅͂᷉͗̌͢ T᷿̣̬̻᷿̑͋ͦ͛͋᷁̓̇͢͠h̶̡̬̟͙ͩ̂͗̀᷇͑͆̉͘ͅi̯͍᷊̳᷄ͦ̒̆ͯ᷁̃ͨ͑͞͞s̴̠̫̜̲͔̲̃̾᷇᷀᷄̚͟͢ i̸̢͖̰̠᷃̐᷀̾᷇᷃̈ͨ̑͟ṡ̡̞᷂͍̳̮᷊͑̈́̆ͣ̅᷅͜n͎̻̞͉̔᷀ͪ᷾͒᷈͌̒̍ͮ͂'̶̹̣᷿̦͎̜̗̇̓ͬ̉᷅t Ḏ̸̵̸̛̜̿̾̌̐̿͘͟͠͝a̴̵̩᷂͖̗̘̣͙̋᷁̂̐̄͢v̶̢᷊͈̦͋᷃ͩ̑̔ͮ͗᷇͜͜ę̗͈̫᷂͙ͣ̉͊̐᷅̓̌͘͢s̛͓͇̈́ͥ̎᷃ͤ̋̃᷁̽̅͡͝p̸̰̖͎᷿̙̦̻᷊᷿᷁ͥ̌ͥ͡r̢̝̰̗̻͓̙͎͙̲̈̍̓́̌i̖̲͖̱͚̠᷊̹ͯ͑ͮ̉᷾̃͆t̵̢̳̤̥ͭ̾͗᷇̓̈͒̾͢͜e̷̴̢͔̹͚̪͉͖̱ͣ͆ͤ᷇͡.̶̤̻̳̫̜̫̱͛͗͑͂͆ͧ͗**

**Ţ̵̷̬̹͈᷊̯᷅̏̃̔ͫ̑̑T̴̸͖̺̯͔̉ͪ̊᷄̿͋ͪ᷄̕:̧̨̧̢̩̥̰̯̘̄͌ͥ̊͢ͅ T̛̩̤̣̘͓̭ͦ́᷉̌ͪͮ̍̚h̶̛̩͇̮̱͉͇͚᷆̅᷄͊̕͞i̴͙̲͍̱̞͎͂᷆̉᷁ͬ̈́᷾͜ș̵̷̛̞ͧͬ̃͌͆᷾̿͑͘͟ ǐ̶̧̨̢̢̪͙͖͖ͩ̀͋̆̕s͚͕̼̘̎᷆ͮ᷁᷃͊̌͌̏᷾͝ D̛̼̲͖̱͋̃ͣ́ͯͤͧ̂͘̚ir̸̡͍̟̞ͨ͒ͫͅk̯̤̓ͮ͋᷄̏̇͒᷁̐ͦ̎͠͞.̸̵̛̙᷊̫̩͈̺̠͋̐͋̇̈́**

**T̶̨̛̝͔͔͓ͤͪͦͫ᷈͟͝ͅT͎͙̺᷊̖̱͕̉᷁̊ͬͮ᷀̎͠:̷͔̭̫̔̓͋̈́͐ͭͫ᷆͘͜͜ Y͚͉̬̋ͬ᷉̈ͬ᷀ͥ̽᷈᷁ͬ̏o̩̞̻̦̞͕ͭ᷾̌͂ͦ͆̆͋̚u̶̧͈̱̝͎ͮͣ̋ͭͫ̈́͜͟͠r̨͈̥̝̝̤͔᷿̭̜̯ͣ̎ͥͅ ā̶᷊̥͓̘͔͎̥̒ͨ̾̎ͯ̕l̸̰̼͔̼͎̹̻̭̪᷿᷾ͬ̀̊t̴̢̺̯̻̻͚̔̓᷉e̗͇͈᷄̎ͤͭ̒̑̌r̸̹̯͍͈̦̗᷃᷄͆ͪ̑͐᷃̓n̫̲̟̭͑̓᷉̽̒̓̋̒᷃̈̚ą̶̝̪̙̲̪ͨͪ̉̄᷾͜ͅt̸͈̱͉̖᷂͗ͯ̂͋̓͒͒᷆͝ẻ̲̹͔͈᷂̍ͣ̍͋͆ͬ᷈͡ͅ u̴̷̡̨̳̬᷊᷃͗ͦ᷉ͥ᷾͘͠n̝̼̥̺ͯ̈̔᷃͛͌᷀͌ͭ̏͠i̴̡̡̯͈̰͚᷊͕͔᷄̏͛̓̕v̷͙͚̙͖̺᷂̯̝ͬ̽ͤ͒͟͟e̡̧̢̪̖̙̻̫̒᷄᷅̎̌̕͝r̷̼̘̺ͦ᷁̈́́ͪ᷁̎́̆͡͡s̼̫̻̍̋ͪ̽̎͐́̚͢͞͞͏ḙ̶̯᷊́͛᷀̌̈̑̈́̋̇ͫ͝ b̷̜̣͉̐̊̋̆ͯ̀̇᷁ͪ̔̕r̛̤̞̜̭͕᷊͚̀̀͐̂̒᷃̐ơ̸̞͔᷿̝͔̊᷀̀͗͋᷁͘̚t̷̶͖̗͉̭̠̠͐̒ͯ᷾̌͝͠h̻̮̝͚͈̞ͦ̆̈́᷅̏̄̎̅͘e̴̯͉̱̼̞̯ͩͦͥ͟͝͏̊̕ŗ̧̰̫͙̈́͆͊ͪ͊ͧ̽̚͘͘.̴̴̵͓̹᷊̣̇ͦ͑̌̐͘͢͢**

**TG: what**

**TG: what about my bro?**

**T̸̙̯̩̥͒̌̂ͭ᷅͆́ͫ̚͠T̵̨̢̜᷂̘͕͂᷀͊̽᷆ͦ͘̕:̵̧̰̖̬̻᷀̀̈́ͤͣ͐ͧ͑̚ F̢̨̟͔͔᷊ͤ̇̄ͭ͆͂̋ͦͅu̶̷͖̯᷿̙̫͛̃̇̈ͮ͢͟͞c̢̯̤̦̖᷊̥͒ͭ᷆͗́͋͘͠k̵̖͔̖̳͖̹̖̟̄̏ͨ͋̃̿.̢̨̬͙᷆̆᷄̐ͤ͒᷆͘͟͠͞**

**T̘͕̭᷄̽ͦ᷇T̜̖̩̼͊᷉ͅ:̶̫᷂̈́ͥ̑̆ H̫᷿̖͎̏᷇͂ḙ̸ͬ̽͛ͫ͢l̢̛͓̞̓᷉᷁l̡̧̛᷆᷀̚͢o͇̼̬̥ͣ̓̌?̮᷿̆᷀͐́ͣ**

**TG: dude listen i cant talk now**

**TG: im flying over some lava with the mayor**

**Ţ̸̞̹͓̜͗͌᷀̇̓̕͜͢͠T̸̟͉̩͔̘̒᷈͑̐͒᷾͊͞͞:̸̢᷿᷂̣̳᷊᷊̓̈́ͨ̉͊͒̾ T̡̹̮͇̫̭̝̩͂᷇ͫ̔̆᷄̕ḫ̴̨̨̢̣̪᷇ͨ̓ͧ̎̎͞͝e̷̜̣̻͂̌͊͐̅᷾͑́͟͝͝ ṁ̤͏̛̣̦̻͖᷊̪͛᷅̏͢͢ȃ̺̮̰̖̄͂͒ͮ̕͜͢͜͞͡y̴̢̨͉̣̮̯̲᷾ͩ̈͗ͧͯ᷅o̖᷂᷿᷂̽ͤͮ̂͌͋̊̾͆ͣͮr̴͍͔̻ͬ᷃ͧ̉ͨ̓᷀̈͢͞͡?̶̪̳̥͔̈́̐᷆ͦͯ̐͘͟͢͞**

**T͖᷿͆̍̓̚ͅ͏̨̮̗ͨ̎͝ͅŢ̶̠͈̻͎̬̣̯ͪ̿ͦ͛᷁͟:͚̦̮͍͍͎̣̒ͣ̎́̐̿̚͜ W̹̘̼̰̯̻̯͇̏͛᷄̀ͥ̾̔h̷̢̡̘̩̟̗̏̾̋̒̽ͦ͢͟ȧ̸̸͇̲̾͛̀͛͊̾̉ͫ̚͢t̶̨̯̝̝͂̃᷈̈̏̇͋̿̈́̕ m̷̢̢̞͓̝̖͙̐ͭ̎̔̚͟ͅą̵̶̷̵͉᷿̹̱͊᷾̈͒̓᷅y̸̼̥̰̥͛̊᷄᷃̔̋ͧ᷃͢͟o̖̩̭̤͂͛᷉̆̽̃᷇ͣ̑͢͡r̟̹̮͔̬ͤ̐ͪ͏̭̭͕ͧ᷃ͤ?̞̞͎̺̱͎̪̺͇ͫͯ̃͂̏͞**

**TG: oh shit you arent up to speed on the fuckin mayor?**

**TG: thats so wrong**

**TG: you gotta meet the mayor**

**TG: anyway lets talk another time when theres less glitchy bullshit**

**TG: later bro**

**Ṭ̛̮̹̤͚᷿ͤ᷀᷅̐ͣ͐̕͠Ṱ͙᷊͈̜̃ͪ᷁̓ͩ̅ͥ̌ͫ̍:̸̜̩̬͔̩̰͔᷃̑᷄͂̿ͤ͠ W̵̠̗͖̯̭̗̭̿͒̊ͥ᷾̀͞a̵̵̴̱᷂̦̅ͫ̏̓̌ͫ̀͟͞i̶̟͇͔̣͍͚̓ͦ̊̈ͥ̒͟ͅt̷̢̤̝͙̼̩᷂̏̆̐̓̉̽͠,̶̸̵̴̢͍̙͍͔͖̈́͂̆͐̕ ḋ̴̨͔͈᷁͒̑᷉͑᷇͒̚͠ͅȏ̢̤̠̦͙̪͔͉̟͚̑͊ͮ̓n̶̫̼̬̞̭͎᷃̽̅᷄̑̚̕͞'̥̜̫᷿͓̄͊̋̐᷁ͨ̉̌͐᷇t̶̘̗̠̩᷆̏̇͂͒᷃̍̾᷾͢ g᷊͚͕̮̺̝᷂̈̂ͯ̔̓ͤ͐ͅǫ̸̲̪͍̗̿ͧ̆̽᷈̊ͭ̕ͅ!̢̫̬᷂͚̭͔ͭͧͥ͐ͣ͘͜͞**

**turntechGodhead [TG]** **ceased pestering ****t᷆᷃̂i͏͖̃m̳̻͠ā̦͙ẽ̤̆u᷿͈᷃șͥ͜T̢̀̋e̙͖̿s̝̻᷃t͂᷃͠ï̸̻f̨᷾͟î̸̥e̛̮̎d᷿̍ͅ [̧̍̃T͔̖᷉T᷊᷿̊]̷͔̌**


	274. Book 16 Chapter 9: Web two point NO

Chapter 9: Web two point NO

Woah! Those cool new cartridge features have exploded on to your desktop computer once again! Now we're talking. This is some serious Web 2.0 shit, right here. Maybe even… Web 3.0, dare you say? No, let's not get carried away. It isn't _that_ cool. But wait, look! Another three story options to pick from. Looks like Dave and Jade; Jade, Kanaya, and Karkat; Terezi and Rose. The carousel of choices spins round and round, while the dervish of free will…

"The dervish of free will can kiss my ass," you grumble through a double facepalm. The UI is still seized up with ugly jittering artifacts. At least this time a different path is available, it would seem. I guess we'll click that then, and resign ourselves to a straightforward, choiceless procession through the story, as usual. "Linear as she goes," you grouse as you click the Kanaya button.

Web 2.0? More like Web two point NO. You're starting to wish the internet had never been invented.

Kanaya bared her fangs at Jade. Karkat was hiding behind a tree.

**KANAYA: Why Would You Do That!**

**KANAYA: I Do Not Understand Why You Needed To Impale My Friend To Demonstrate Your Resurrection Abilities!**

**KANAYA: I Believed You!**

**KANAYA: It Was Pointless And Cruel And Does Not Advance My Willingness To Cooperate With You At All!**

**KANAYA: Furthermore It Did Not Prove That You Can Use Said Abilities To Harm Me!**

**KANAYA: I Believe That Assertion Was Based On A Fallacious Theory About My Constitution!**

**KANAYA: In Actuality One Could Easily Kill Me With Any Number Of Conventional Methods!**

**KANAYA: Im Sure You Could Chop My Head Off Or Burn Me Alive Or Crush Me To Death And I Would Die Just Fine!**

**KARKAT: (whoa, kanaya)**

**KARKAT: (could you maybe not give the psycho fork girl any more ideas?)**

**KANAYA: I Am Not Scared Of You!**

**KANAYA: None Of Us Are!**

**KARKAT: (i kind of am)**

**KANAYA: Karkat Shut Up!**

**KANAYA: If This Treacherous Despot Serving Turncoat Seeks Compliance From Me Then She Will Have To Pry It From My Mutilated Lifeless Cadaver!**

**KARKAT: (oh no oh god oh no oh god)**

**KANAYA: If You Are So Convinced That Your Recuperative Magic Will Strike Me Down Then Why Dont You Put Your Theory To The Test!**

**KANAYA: I Doubt You Will Since You Have Made It Clear You Need Our Participation To Achieve Your Goals Which Is A Fact That Your Naive Cohort Foolishly Revealed To Us!**

**KANAYA: I Dont Think She Is Very Good At Being A Villain And To Be Honest I Have My Doubts About You As Well So I Am Calling Your Bluff!**

**KANAYA: So If You Continue To Insist That Your Healing Enchantments Have The Power To Slay Me Then I Implore You To Give It Your Best Shot!**

**KANAYA: Go On Do It!**

**KANAYA: DO YOUR HUMAN WORST!**

**JANE:** **Silence, buster.**

**KANAYA: Wait**

**KANAYA: You Can Talk**

**KANAYA: Using Actual Sentences**

**JANE:** **Obviously. **

**KANAYA: Then Why Resort Exclusively To Intimidating Robotic Soundbites For**

**KANAYA: However Long You Were Doing That**

**JANE:** **Because when it comes to the affairs of my empire, I am all business. **

**JANE:** **You see, Kanaya. I am a businesswoman. **

**JANE:** **A very shrewd one at that. **

**KANAYA: ...**

**KANAYA: Okay**

**JANE:** **Watch and learn, rainbow drinker.**

She hopped up onto the fridge she deployed from her sylladex and Kanaya cautiously approached the ruthless businesswoman.

**JANE:** **This is my chest of merchandise.**

**KANAYA: You Mean The Hunger Trunk**

**JANE:** **.**

**KANAYA: What Do You…**

**JANE:** **Let's cut the chitchat and get down to business.**

**JANE:** **I have a proposition for you.**

**KANAYA: What Is It**

**JANE:** **Would you like to buy these motherfucking potions.**

Kanaya examined the businesswoman's wares with piqued curiosity, to her surprise.

**KANAYA: Wait**

**KANAYA: 420 Million Boonbucks Per Bottle**

**KANAYA: Isnt That A Bit Steep**

**JANE:** **Don't worry. These are standard retail markups.**

**JANE:** **Plus the quality is impeccable.**

**JANE:** **Each potion is aged to perfection.**

**KANAYA: Um**

**KANAYA: Well**

**KANAYA: What About That Bronze Potion**

**JANE:** **.**

**KANAYA: Its**

**KANAYA: Troll Blood Isnt It**

**JANE:** **.**

**KANAYA: Not Exactly A Premium Vintage**

**JANE:** **.**

**KANAYA: Um**

**KANAYA: Ill Take It**

She bought a few bottles of Tavros' blood. She'd think fondly of his memory and she sipped it in private where no one could see. Hey, it wasn't like she was proud of her habit.

**KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING OVER THERE?**

**KARKAT: ARE YOU BUYING SHIT FROM HER, KANAYA?**

**KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING?**

**KARKAT: IS THAT… ARE THOSE LITTLE JARS OF BLOOD?**

**KARKAT: PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT BUYING BLOOD FROM THIS LUNATIC.**

**KANAYA: What No Of Course Not**

She more carefully concealed the bottles she was holding behind her back.

**KANAYA: Um**

**KANAYA: Karkat Dont Worry Im Handling This**

**KARKAT: UGH.**

**KARKAT: FINE. I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE, BEHIND THIS TREE IF YOU NEED ME.**

Kanaya waited until she was sure Karkat wasn't listening in anymore.

**KANAYA: What About The Fuschia One**

**JANE:** **This potion was once running through the veins of a former heiress.**

**JANE:** **It's real good shit.**

**JANE:** **Doesn't cost any more than the other ones though, because I know it's all the same to you.**

**JANE:** **I can spot somebody in need of her fix when I see one.**

Kanaya nodded in her direction ever so slightly and held up two fingers. Jane forked over two hundred bottles. With a deep sigh, Kanaya slipped her the moolah. Bitch was gonna to send her to the poor house.

**KANAYA: And The Indigo**

**JANE:** **I don't recall whom this potion was bled from, but I doubt it matters to you.**

Jane palmed the bottle and swirled the fluids enticingly. Kanaya suddenly imagined Equius and his gross sweaty body and felt a little queasy. No, she absolutely refused to buy this potion! She wouldn't do it. Nope. No way.

**KANAYA: Fuck It**

**KANAYA: Give Me Ten**

She shamelessly stashed the bottles with the others. Damn her lack of self control. The businesswoman shook her head slowly as she stuffed the cash in her hoodie.

**JANE:** **How about these olive potions?**

**KANAYA: Uh**

**JANE:** **It's supposed to be a love potion.**

**JANE:** **Trust me, though. It don't work.**

**JANE:** **Probably tastes good to a weirdo like you anyway.**

**JANE:** **Want some?**

Kanaya entertained a melancholy thought about dear Nepeta as she began to salivate.

**KANAYA: I Guess Ill Take One**

**JANE:** **Deal.**

Jane gave Kanaya a thousand of the bottles.

**KANAYA: Huh**

**JANE:** **Don't worry about the extras. I'll put them on your tab.**

**KANAYA: Oh Thanks**

**JANE:** **Don't mention it.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **Guess what?**

**KANAYA: What**

**JANE:** **Time to settle up your debt.**

**KANAYA: WHAT**

**KANAYA: Ugh**

She dumped 420 billion boonies at Jane's feet unceremoniously.

**KANAYA: Okay Thats It**

**KANAYA: I Cant Afford To Buy Any More**

**JANE:** **But what about this violet potion?**

**JANE:** **It's some d-bag's blood.**

**JANE:** **I've never met the guy, but I've heard some unflattering stories.**

**KANAYA: It Doesnt Sound That Appetizing To Me Sorry**

**KANAYA: Well**

**KANAYA: At Least I Wouldnt Feel Guilty About Drinking It**

**KANAYA: Oh The Rationalizations That Run Through The Mind Of A Thirsty Rainbow Drinker**

**KANAYA: Wait**

**KANAYA: Did I Really Just Say That Out Loud**

Jane nodded.

**KANAYA: Ill Take A Half Dozen**

**JANE:** **Sorry, I've only got one in stock.**

**JANE:** **My wholesaler had a very limited supply.**

**JANE:** **Seems like a lot of it was lost before he had a chance to harvest it.**

**JANE:** **You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?**

**KANAYA: Thats A Really Nice Tiara You Have There**

**KANAYA: Really**

**KANAYA: Um**

**KANAYA: Its Just Really Nice**

Jane's eyes said thanks but her face said, "look, I couldn't care less that you killed Eridan with a chainsaw."

**JANE:** **How about some of this cobalt potion?**

**JANE:** **It's supposed to make you lucky.**

**JANE:** **I wouldn't know, because I've never had any.**

**JANE:** **Because I'm not a vampire.**

**KANAYA:**

**KANAYA: Mm Hmm**

**KANAYA:**

**JANE:** **It doesn't matter though.**

**JANE:** **I make my own luck now.**

Kanaya was tuning her voice out at this point. She was just eyeing that vial of delicious Vriska blood and reaching for her pocketbook.

**JANE:** **Hey. Two for one deal on this gross mustard blood.**

**JANE:** **I mean potion.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **I mean blood.**

**JANE:** **Anyway you want some? You know you want some.**

**KANAYA: Ok Ill Take Two**

**JANE:** **That'll be 840 million.**

**KANAYA: 840 Million**

**KANAYA: What About The Two For One Deal**

**JANE:** **The two for one deal applies, but there's a mandatory 100% gratuity tacked on to the bill.**

Kanaya sighed, and then coughed up the dough. You could not outfox Jane Crocker in cunning business practices. She was simply the best there was.

Woah! Those cool new cartridge features have exploded on to your desktop computer once again! Now we're talking. This is some serious Web 2.0 shit, right here. Maybe even… Web 3.0, dare you say? No, let's not get carried away. Hold the phone. It looks like this piece of shit is still broken. Who is surprised by this? The answer is nobody.

At least the third and final option is probably available now. Let's see what Rose and Terezi are up to.

Wait. It's not working? You're kidding. That can't be right. Only the first option seems to be working. So we have to go through the Dave arc again?

Sure, what the hell. Looks like we're reading the Dave arc again. Thanks for nothing, "The Information Age."

"You know what was cool," you ask your computer rhetorically? "WHEN STORIES USED TO BE ON FUCKING PAPER."

**JADE:** **see look, one of your time doubles is surely predestined to come from a few minutes in the future and appear behind me for a surprise attack, riiiight about... **

**JADE:** **now! **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **no wait **

**JADE:** **riiiiiiiiiight... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **NOW! **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **dave why is your future self being such a wet blanket **

**DAVE: i told you**

**DAVE: im not time traveling**

**DAVE: i think im giving it up for good actually**

**JADE:** **:\**

John appeared fully, looking down at Dave and Jade below him.

**JOHN:**

**DAVE: im serious**

**DAVE: the thing is**

**DAVE: being a time guy**

**DAVE: like actually MASTERING time travel**

**DAVE: im pretty sure what that involves is**

**DAVE: learning to never use it**

**DAVE: see its like karate**

**DAVE: well**

**DAVE: its more like what they SAY about karate**

**DAVE: that you learn it so you dont use it**

**DAVE: but i mean we all know the truth about karate is if you know karate then obviously in reality you use it all the time**

**DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks and sweet karate chops while walking down the street just cause you can**

**DAVE: its a god damn no brainer...**

**DAVE: thats what...**

**DAVE: you do...**

**DAVE: with...**

**DAVE: karate. john what the fuck are you doing here**

John floated down to them.

**JOHN: er.**

**JOHN: i don't know.**

**DAVE: john dont get me wrong its cool that you randomly dropped by again but this wasnt really the best time**

**DAVE: we were kind of in the middle of a thing here**

**JOHN: whoops. sorry.**

**JADE:** **yeah john **

**JADE:** **did you really have to pick now of all times to materialize out of nowhere and taunt me? **

**JOHN: i'm SORRY!**

**JOHN: jeez, it was an accident!**

**JADE:** **so what now? **

**JADE:** **am i REALLY supposed to tackle you, just to watch you vanish yet again? **

**JOHN: no, no! please don't!**

**JADE:** **because i dont really feel like it **

**JADE:** **do you have any idea how frustrating that becomes after a while? **

**JOHN: i didn't mean to come here, really!**

**JOHN: i still can't control the jumps!**

**JOHN: i'm TRYING, but it just...**

**DAVE: dude are you time traveling**

**DAVE: please dont tell me youre time traveling**

**DAVE: you need to leave that shit to the experts**

**JOHN: no, it's not time travel!**

**JOHN: well, not technically.**

**DAVE: who do you think youre talking to here**

**DAVE: do you see this bright red gear on my hoodie**

**DAVE: that means i know stuff about time travel**

**DAVE: sure looks like youre time traveling to me**

**JOHN: no, i swear!**

**JOHN: ok, see, i went on a dream quest with some troll pirates.**

**DAVE: troll pirates**

**JOHN: argh, never mind. that's the long version of the story.**

**JOHN: ok, so i stuck my hand in this little magic house, and...**

**DAVE: john youre fucking shit up here**

**JOHN: what?**

**DAVE: you being here**

**DAVE: thats not supposed to happen**

**DAVE: all this shit were saying now**

**DAVE: its not supposed to go down like this i can feel it**

**JOHN: i know!**

**JOHN: i'm sorry, i would zap away again, but i don't know how!**

**DAVE: i dont think it matters now dude the pooch is already screwed**

**JADE:** **:o **

**DAVE: wow wait that was a terrible figure of speech in this context but you know what i mean**

**DAVE: yo like i was JUST saying i didnt want to time travel anymore to avoid bullshit like this**

**JOHN: IT'S NOT TIME TRAVEL THOUGH!**

**JOHN: i promise!**

**DAVE: then what is it**

**JOHN: i dunno!**

**JOHN: like, some kind of surreal, history altering... reality hopping... magic power.**

**DAVE: thats time travel genius**

**JOHN: no way, dude.**

**JOHN: you have to trust me on this.**

**DAVE: alright**

**DAVE: but if it turns out you just created a doomed timeline and were all going to die im gonna be hella mad**

**JOHN: this isn't a doomed timeline.**

**JOHN: i'm telling you, i can change things.**

**JOHN: stuff that wasn't supposed to be changed.**

**JOHN: and i'm not saying bad stuff won't happen as a result of the things i change...**

**JOHN: but at least it won't make a doomed timeline!**

**JOHN: the new things that happen will just be...**

**JOHN: the stuff that's supposed to happen?**

**DAVE: huh**

**DAVE: thats pretty dope if true**

**DAVE: actually in a way that almost makes me more nervous**

**JOHN: it does?**

**DAVE: yeah messing with the alpha timeline**

**DAVE: i mean not the alpha timeline but the ALPHA alpha timeline**

**DAVE: almost seems**

**DAVE: heretical i guess?**

**DAVE: you sure you know what youre doing egbert**

**JOHN: um, earth to dave.**

**JOHN: i already said i don't have a clue what i'm doing!**

**DAVE: gotcha**

**DAVE: welp im sold**

**DAVE: but uh**

**DAVE: really man you kind of are interrupting a thing**

**DAVE: temporal mechanics not even withstanding**

**JOHN: what was i interrupting?**

**DAVE: i think this was going to be a serious conversation here**

**DAVE: i have a feeling jade and i were going to get all heavy with our relationship issues or whatever**

**JOHN: you were?**

**JADE:** **sigh **

**JADE:** **yes, unfortunately thats probably where this was going **

**JOHN: aw man, i'm sorry. i am fucking this up so bad.**

**JOHN: see, this is what i'm worried about.**

**JOHN: even though my random jumps are supposed to be a "safe" form of time travel, i'm still nervous that i might be ruining important events anyway.**

**JOHN: like, there was all this crazy stuff that happened to get us here, whether it was good or bad.**

**JOHN: and if i fumble around like this accidentally changing all that stuff, then i won't even know what's going on anymore.**

**JOHN: maybe no one will!**

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: does anyone even know whats going on NOW?**

**JOHN: that's what i'm saying!**

**JOHN: things are complicated enough as it is!**

**DAVE: truth**

**JOHN: ok, look...**

**JOHN: maybe we can try to minimize my impact on the current situation.**

**JOHN: if i fly away, do you think you can do whatever you were going to do in the first place?**

**JOHN: do you know what you were going to do?**

**JADE:** **yes **

**JADE:** **i was going to kick the mayor into the lava **

**DAVE: what?**

**DAVE: holy shit so uncool**

**JADE:** **i was going to make it clear i was serious about killing someone you cared about **

**JADE:** **so you would stop being a baby and start using your powers and swordfight with me you dumb jerk :p **

**DAVE: wow**

**DAVE: jade i think you might be a little too good at being a villain its kind of worrying**

**JADE:** **thank you :) **

**DAVE: so the mayor would be dead if john didnt show up?**

**JADE:** **oh yes absolutely **

**JADE:** **he would be burnt to a crisp right now i am sure of it **

**DAVE: god damn jade**

**DAVE: why would you do that you know eventually id probably start using my powers and reluctantly start embracing my role as a reluctant hero**

**DAVE: that shit always happens**

**JADE:** **no you wouldnt you were just going to argue with me forever! **

**DAVE: yeah maybe**

**DAVE: but the point is youre not going to bother killing the mayor anymore are you**

**JADE:** **i guess not **

**JADE:** **he is a very cute mayor after all **

**DAVE: see john your fake time travel shit is already paying off**

**DAVE: you saved the mayor congratulations**

**JOHN: ok, i'm glad the mayor is alive and well.**

**JOHN: but this is exactly what i wanted to avoid!**

**JOHN: isn't there some way you could just...**

**JOHN: pretend i never showed up, and let this play out the way it was supposed to?**

**JADE:** **sorry john **

**JADE:** **whatever dave and i were going to argue about **

**JADE:** **i think the moment has passed **

**JADE:** **the whole thing is kind of ruined to be honest **

**JOHN: DAMN IT!**

**DAVE: ok all yall settle down im getting a text**

**DAVE: ...**

**DAVE: i cant fucking read this**


	275. Book 16 Chapter 10: Oh my god

Chapter 10: Oh my god

Woah! Those cool new cartridge features have exploded on to your desktop computer once again! Now we're talking. This is some serious Web 2.0 shit, right here. Maybe even… Web 3.0, dare you say? Yes, you dare say, just so you don't have to read this whole stupid paragraph yet again. WEB 3.0 IT IS!

The important thing is it appears the Rose and Terezi arc is available now. So you click on that and read it. If this thing breaks one more time, I'm going to repost all the leprechaun romance stuff here instead.

Terezi was standing on the Alchemiter on Rose's house. Rose cupped her hands to her mouth and called out to her.

**ROSE: TEREZI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?**

**TEREZI: NOTH1NG!**

**ROSE: Alright, then.**

**ROSE: What exactly are we supposed to be doing here?**

She looked up at the streams of rainbow colored water pouring from turtle shells in the air.

**ROSE: Why did she group the two seers together?**

**ROSE: Was there a point to that?**

**ROSE: What is her goal with these divide and conquer tactics?**

**ROSE: Everything is so unclear.**

**ROSE: Threads leading to the most fortuitous outcomes have gotten so badly tangled.**

**ROSE: I can't tell if it's the hangover, or if something else is happening.**

**ROSE: Something out there...**

**ROSE: Unaccounted for.**

**ROSE: Why can't I see it?**

**ROSE: Why have I become so blind again?**

**ROSE: No offense, Terezi.**

**TEREZI: 4R3 YOU T4LK1NG TO M3?**

**ROSE: NO, I'M TALKING TO MYSELF!**

**TEREZI: WHY?**

**ROSE: STOP MAKING ME YELL! I STILL HAVE A HEADACHE, AND SO DO YOU!**

**TEREZI: 4LR1GHT, SORRY!**

**ROSE: Why **_**am**_ **I talking to myself?**

**ROSE: I think I've spent too much time around Dave.**

**ROSE: I've also probably spent too much time sharing his genes.**

**ROSE: Why must our family tree be plagued by so many shameless soliloquists?**

**ROSE: I wonder if our young parents are like this?**

**ROSE: I wonder if I will ever find out?**

**ROSE: And what should I do in the meantime?**

**ROSE: Should I...**

**ROSE: Should I really work on completing my personal planetary quest?**

**ROSE: That whole thing where I learn to "play the rain?"**

**ROSE: I guess I should feel exhilarated to have the chance again after all these years.**

**ROSE: Of course I should.**

**ROSE: But then,**

**ROSE: Why does it sound like such a drag?**

**ROSE: I haven't played the violin in a long time.**

**ROSE: I wonder if I even remember how.**

**ROSE: Honestly I can't recall ever feeling less motivated to satisfy a looming obligation.**

**ROSE: I think my quest was fundamentally bound to the nature of this land, which was customized to the profile, needs, and potential for growth of a thirteen year-old girl.**

**ROSE: But I'm not that person anymore.**

**ROSE: What if I**

**ROSE: What if I just**

**ROSE: Didn't bother doing it?**

**ROSE: Like, ever?**

**ROSE: Would anyone notice my dereliction?**

**ROSE: Would the powers that be strike me down where I loaf?**

**ROSE: What if I just said fuck it?**

**ROSE: What then, silly pink tortoise shells? Hmmmm?**

**ROSE: **

**ROSE: I guess I should stop procrastinating and have This Conversation with Kanaya.**

**tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ****grimAuxiliatrix [GA]**

**TT: So. **

**TT: Have you made any progress in determining what our malefactors want from you and Karkat? **

**GA: Yes**

**TT: Well? **

**GA: Oh**

**GA: She Wants Us To Speak With Echidna**

**TT: And? **

**TT: ... **

**TT: Are you still there? **

**GA: Yes**

**TT: Speak to her about what? **

**GA: About Releasing The New Frog**

**TT: I see. **

**TT: At least it would seem you have a project. **

**TT: Terezi and I have received no such instruction. **

**TT: Hello? **

**GA: Hi**

**GA: Yeah**

**TT: Kanaya, do you want to talk about my problem?**

Terezi | | combined her glasses and Rose's scarf to make a red scarf.

**GA: What Problem**

**TT: The one pertaining to my substance abuse.**

**GA: Oh**

**GA: Right**

**GA: Okay**

**TT: Are you busy?**

**TT: You seem preoccupied.**

**GA: No**

**GA: Well**

**GA: Yes Sort Of**

**TT: What are you doing?**

**GA: Im Um**

**GA: Just Buying Some Things**

**TT: You're buying things?**

**TT: What things?**

**GA: Just Some**

**GA: Provisions**

**TT: Like what?**

**TT: And from whom?**

**GA: A Local Vendor**

**TT: Are you in a consort village?**

**TT: Don't those shops only sell jars of bugs and such?**

**TT: You're not buying jars of bugs, are you?**

**GA: No**

**GA: Definitely Not Jars Of**

**GA: Bugs**

**GA: No**

**TT: Kanaya, I'm confused.**

**TT: Could you be a little more descriptive?**

**GA: I Really Should Go**

**GA: Lets Talk About My Problem Later**

**TT: Your problem?**

**TT: Don't you mean my problem?**

**GA: Yes**

**GA: Definitely**

**GA: Bye**

**grimAuxiliatrix [GA]** **ceased trolling ****tentacleTherapist [TT]**

Terezi leaped down to the ground of LOLAR below.

**ROSE: TEREZI, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?**

Terezi tied the scarf around her head, covering her eyes. She clenched her jaw.

**TEREZI: CLOWN HUNT1NG**

Wow! Wow indeed. It broke again. Here you go. Aranea's exposition on leprechaun romance, in its entirety, unedited and uncensored, as promised.

**The pro8lem is that when the su8ject of leprechaun romance is 8roached, our overly o8essive troll intellects instantly assume the most ingrati8ting posture of admir8tion imagina8le. Which makes it hard! Hard to give it proper academic focus I mean, 8ecause of how gr8 it is. 8ut we will do our 8est to understand regardless.**

**Trolls have only four forms of romance. And though we consider it a complic8ted su8ject, spanning a wide range of emotions, social conventions, and implic8tions for reproduction, it is ultim8tely a superficial slice of what leprechauns consider the full 8ody of romantic experience. Our concept of romance, in spite of its capacity to fill our art and literature and to rule our individual destinies like little else, is still just that. A single, quaternary concept. A concept usually denoted 8y four sym8ols.**

**3** **3 ** **o8**

**Leprechaun romance is more complic8ted than that. Leprechaun romance needs nine sym8ols. The nine quadrants of leprechaun romance are considera8ly more nuanced than our quaint notions of romance, and certainly more alien. In fact, so conditioned is my own understanding of romance that I can't help 8ut refer to them as quadrants, when in fact they are not quadrants at all! They are referred to as charms.**

**One of the charms is characterized 8y romantic love, as understood 8y 8oth trolls and humans. 8ut after that, all 8ets are off. There is no division 8etween 8lack or red, concupiscent or conciliatory. Instead their charms comprise a spectral continuum of more su8tly varying types of relationships, most of which are esta8lished in mutual chicanery, such as the exchange of pranks, coy riddles, slapstick shenanigans, and games of chance. Furthermore, a pair of leprechauns is not limited to a single charm. A relationship may 8e defined 8y multiple charms at once! In fact, some of the most interesting relationships arise from exotic charm com8in8tions. A sta8le relationship consisting of three or more charms is called a trove. These advanced relationships are often viewed as the ideal end result for a romance, much the way certain pairing rituals are for humans.**

**No charm is specifically tied to procre8tion, though any type of relationship could 8egin waxing concupiscent if lady luck should so decide. Certain charm com8in8tions are known to 8e more conducive to fertility than others. If the leprechaun pair has 8een so 8lessed, they will 8egin an ela8orate coupling procedure culmin8ting in a lively m8ting jig. The jigs are specific to the charms of course, similar to how different kinds of music lend themselves to various styles of dance.**

**While their romance is endlessly captiv8ting, leprechaun reproduction may 8e the most interesting su8ject of all. P̍a̅r̕t͐i̪c᷆u͋l᷾a᷂ŗl͠y̯ from a perspective of detailed anatomical study, which I will get to shortly. 8ut first it 8ears p᷊̗͡o̪̪̅i̡᷿ͣn̼̻̍t̶͇͝î̵̙nͤ̽̾g᷊̝͒ ỏ̴͝u͏̨̉t̽͒ͩ t̰᷊̀h̟ͪ͗a᷾ͧͤt͓̹̝ w̟᷅ͥh͌ͨ͘i᷿᷿ͤl̠̈̊e͉᷆̆ f̈́ͦ͜ọ̡̿r̋̓̊ h̜̬́ṷ͙᷇m̷̻͙a᷂̲͎n̗͓̆s͎᷀͗ r̠᷉ͤẹ̸̔p̘᷅ͪr̰̉̚o̷̼̲ḏ̪̚ů̴̙c̷̥͞t̢̫̓i̞ͩ̃v̼̩ͦe̶̖ͤ r̔͐͡e̛͂̑ḻ̴̻a̳᷅᷃t̯̖͠i̡͚͐o̬̒̚n̴̪̐s̘͔͛h̲̙͝ī̬͌p̙͑͒s᷾ͯ͝ aͮ͆͞r᷂̗ͩe͙̦͑ e̷̯͝x᷾̿͢ċ᷁̊ḷ̢̲u͔̮᷁s̬̆̎i̙ͤ᷾v̍᷁̇ê᷅̈l̪᷇̓y̗͏᷇ h̻̝́e̗͊ͅt͙᷁ͨeͯ̇ͥrͪͮ͘o̢͕̚ś͓̣ȩ̗᷆x̲͉᷃ų̴͜a͈̒̈ḷͩ͡,̻̆͢ a̡᷀᷄n̼͗᷅d̹̳̅ f̷̙̂o᷅͌̍r̰̘̱ t̛͗̌r̨͂̋o̢̼̥l̰̩ͭl̥͗̉s̱͛͞ t̆͊͢h͂ͯ͡e̳̿ͮy᷿͇͗ a̛͋ͮr̼͜͝e̹̹͊ 8͍̾̋i͗̑᷀s͓᷊͆e̛̞᷈ẍ̵̉ȗ̐᷉a͇̿͢l͏͗͢,̤̭͋ f͍̉͟o̪᷉̽r̮̕͡ l͍᷈ͪe̠ͬ̈́p̢̰̌r̡̺̺e̢̤᷄c̘᷆ͪh̠ͪ̚a̛ͬ̌u͚̝̿n̺͚̕s͏̸͖ t̵̔̉ĥ̩͎eͧ̀̅yͤ᷅̉ a̬̅͜r̆̎ͅeͧ᷉᷅ e̥̲͒x̘͋̂c̥͕̓l͓̋ͫû̼᷆s̴͍̦i͓͛͋v͍ͫ̋e̡̩͞l̙᷅͂ẙ͇̊ h̵̛͍̭͓̒ͧ᷾̌͊̚̚͜͜ͅo̷̢̲̺̬̼̣͉̞̟͈᷇̑̿͘m̶̧̝͕͔̭͖̫ͤ̓ͭ͟͜͢ͅo̷̧̜̭̺̟̣̰̺ͨͯ̏̽͊͞s̺͇̥̯̭̥᷉̔͛̍̎̚͢͜͞ĕ̵̛̖͇̦̗̱ͨ᷆᷇̾͢͞ͅx͇̪͈̬̰̽͊ͣ̎ͯ̆᷆̊̚͞ų̻͖̣̮͛̑̓̾᷆̅᷉̍͡ͅa̙̭̘᷄ͬ͋̔͠͏᷂̼͂͒͠͡l̰̯̮͚͎̲̊̓͗̐᷇᷇̈́̾ͯ.̡̱̦᷊̟͙̤̺̂᷇̃̃̐̕͞ Y̵̛̹̺̫͎̘ͯ͛̒᷉̌᷾͑ͤê̡̤͔̘̰̯̣̮̬ͪ͗᷈᷇̓s̯̦̙᷿̫̼̃ͮͣ̎̒̊ͥͩ͢,̴̴̘͚̟ͨ᷁̍͐̎᷀͑ͨ͝ͅ y̭̘̱̩͓̗̘᷿̫̾͂ͤ͗͐͟o̶͔̲̭̼͗ͮ̃̍̈́̑̿᷆̚̚ȕ̸̢̺̪̲͙̹͓᷈͐̃̈́͞͝ ḧ̷᷂̘̫̟̬̝́̒ͧ̀̽̑̏͒ȩ̛͕̝̣̙͖͔̽̆᷀ͮ̽͛̕a̸̸̩̻̞̘͔͛́᷅᷉͒̚̕͡r͌͂̂᷄͠͏̵̩͕̭͚̬᷇᷅̎ḍ̨̼̫̪̻͎̼᷃̋̋ͬ͑ͫ͞ r̴̸̢̧͓͚͇̯͕̳͙͍ͦ͘͘i̶̛̥̳̞͖͕͎̳̓᷅ͩ̒̋ͪg̸᷿̙͈͎̺̫̾̔᷅͒̏͊̕ͅh̛̠̭͊̾͑̿᷅̾̾᷇̐̿̓̓ṭ͓͓͇᷿̓̆ͥ͋͂͛ͫͪ̚͠.̴̶᷿̭̻̜͖̦̣̗̉ͧ̍̾ͅ T͑᷅͏̵̢̺͍̟̞̮̃̔ͩ̿̋h̴͇̹̜̥͈͊̈́̾᷆᷾͋᷆̚͠a͉᷊̯̯̣̣͂ͦ̈ͬͮ̓͘̚͞ṱ̸̵̶̛᷂̞̗ͦ̎̋᷁͗͠͏ m̵̴̪͍͉̩̳ͩ̍᷄͋᷁̅͆͡ę̵̛̬᷂̀̋̍͂̋̋͌̕͟͝a̢̠̻̯̪͔̪̠͑᷄̏̏͆̌ͪņ̷̴̟ͯ͛̔͋᷅̍̾ͯͩ͞͡s̶̛̪̼̲̗͓͛́̆͐̊̑̏͘ t̡͖᷊̤̭̪̩̆͐̆ͦ͒͜͢ͅh͙̟̪̝͎͚͔᷉̓ͦͤ᷉᷀͑͠e̶̢̺͇᷂͕͊̈́̃ͭ̂ͤ̚͟ͅ F̸᷿͓̲̳͇̩̬̐̅̐᷄̇̀͡ě̹̻͔̖ͣ̿̚͢͏̷̘͎̑͜ḽ᷿̗̱᷀᷃̌̒̎ͥ̇̉᷅̓͝t̡͉̩͍̻ͮ́̾ͧ̓͋᷉ͣ̇͏ ấ̷͉̰̳̼̼̭̥̖͂᷄̌ͬr̶̨͔͇͎̣̟͇ͮ̓̔̆ͥ᷇͒e̛̗͚̖͚̳̐̄͗ͯ̾᷃̉᷃̚ ḁ̢͙͍᷄᷈᷈᷄᷆͐̍̋᷀ͪ̕l̈͏̧̮͇͚̠͕̪̔͗ͮͯ̚ͅl᷊͙͎̗̔ͬ̅̽͐̒̉̚͢͞ͅ s᷊̳̮͆ͮͯͨ᷆͜͡ͅ͏̥̀͡u̴̯̰͍͓ͨ̈́͆̊̏ͨ͢͟͡͞p̸̷̧̡̬̜̣͎̪͇ͯ᷾̃᷆́e̡̡͇͍̿ͫ̓᷆͗᷆̎͆ͨ̄̚r̭̭͕̬͈͙̄᷄ͤ̿́᷈̉͘͜ g̷͈᷄̍͏͖᷄̋ͪ̐͗̀̕͢͟a̡̬͔̥͙͙̞̙̦᷁̾̎̾᷇̾y̴̵̧᷂̬̲̣̠̝͊̽᷁᷆̍͋.̴̟̳̙̓̃͐ͫ᷄ͭ̔͊ͮ͢͠ A̧̠̫̲̙̤̎̾̊᷃̍́͘͟͡ g̨̗̮̱̔̾ͫ᷾ͥ̈᷅̆͗͜͜ŗ͍̼̥͈̱̼̎͑ͮ̽̋ͧ̕͞a͇̖̪̣̪᷃᷃̒ͯͧ᷇ͬ̇̕͞p̢͖̤͑᷆͑̓᷾᷉ͧ̐̌̍͝ͅh̵̤͔̼̱̦̥̫᷄̽̂͗᷁̉̕i̸̸͈̝͕͓̥̱ͥ᷈͋̒̌͛͜c̛̤̞̺͎͓̪̟͛ͯ̉̐͗ͥ᷉ d̞̪̩̼̓͋̔͂͋͒͒᷀͛͘͡e̮͈᷂̓̅ͬ̍̿͆᷉ͥͨ̇̕͠s͍᷊̻̤̲̓̐͊ͯͮͭ᷃͆̑͠c̲͈͎̭̬̣͈̼᷁́̀͌͑ͨ̕r̖̩̹͐̃᷄̓᷉ͦ̑᷇̈̕͘͜i͏̸̘᷿̬͚̣̝̩̓̑ͩ͆̑͝p̞̖̩̞᷿᷇͂̑᷆̅͛͛ͣ͊͘t̷̢͓̱̗͍̿ͪ̀͂̐̂̉͘͡i̴͇͎̜͋᷃̈́̑͗̕̕͏̎͒͌ô͕͈̤͎͈̝̺ͫ᷄̾̀ͦ͠͞n̷̗̠̟̽͐͋᷀ͫ᷄̃ͪ̚͢ͅ o̖ͬ̂͏̴̢̝͓̼͎᷇᷄̑̄̓f̲̙͈̱̘̹͔̊ͫ̎͆ͬ͂ͩ͊ ţ̼̮͈̩͉̗͇̤ͩͦ͆̍̄̓h̵᷂̲͙̩᷁̚ͅ͏̧̜̺̺͔ͣè̴͔᷿̼᷊᷀᷅̿̉ͩͤ᷅̅͘į̫̬̗͋̑̔̅̽̿͑̈́̔̕ͅr̷̷̢̡̰̪͇᷃ͩ̂᷇̽̉̌͞ r̶̦̳᷊̻̙̜̽᷈̈́ͣ᷁̿̃͡ḙ̡̧̡͔͇̃͊̓᷇͆ͨ͊͘͝p̥̣͉͙̹̋̓᷈̄᷁᷃͒̒᷈͡r̶̥̯͉̱̞̆᷇ͯ᷅᷈ͣ̊̍ͅo̘̺͕̠̥̩̭͗ͤ᷉᷁̚͘͜͝ḏ̴̢͔͔̙̹᷅᷀̿͂̐̆̒͆u̵̷̸͎᷿᷿̰᷄᷆ͧ᷀̏̃ͫͅc̛̱͍͓̲̯͍͉͊̇̂᷃͋͆͞t̝̟͍̟̮᷉̽̐ͦ̍᷈ͫ͊͂̉ĩ̧̢̗͍̤͖ͧ̆̒̇ͣ᷾᷾͝v̷̳̩᷊͛᷅ͭ̂̾̒̿̇͟͞͡e̶̘̦̼̬̜͚͚̠̎͂̐ͬ͢͟ p̢̧̡̼̯͊̊᷈̎ͥ͋᷈͡͡ͅr̼̈͏̱̼̥ͬ̒͑͌᷇̋̃͡͞ǫ̛̪͎᷿̦̮͌᷉ͮͫ́ͥͫ͞c̺͍͓͚̩͉̒᷀̊̓̈᷇̑̌̚e̴̡̧̛̮̟̙᷃̈ͯ͑̚̕͟ͅs̶̲̹̠̰ͫͦ᷉ͪ͑ͮ᷁̇᷃ͅs̴͕̘̼̠͔͔̉͌̈́̋᷅͂͜͟ȩ̛̣̠̞͍̔͗̌̈́̿ͧͥͬ᷈s̩̪̯̘̅᷅̐̇͋᷃͑᷁͜͞͠ n̶̮͖̳̯᷃͛᷇̔̅̿᷅͘͢͡ǭ̴̠̹̲̲̆᷁ͦ̀᷅͟͡͝w̢͙̠͚̬͔̋̽ͦ̎ͩͦ᷆̕ͅ f̧̨͍͉͍᷂̼̜̂ͥ͛͒̿͘ͅo̸͔̟̬͊̊ͩ̆̾͛̏̈̈́᷾͘ļ̙̣̭͙͚̱ͮͮ̄͂͂̚͜͢l̙̮̮̟̣͖̫̀᷄᷃́᷀̂ͪ᷇o̱͓̝̠̟᷄̓ͥ̆ͩͭͩ᷁͑͢w̨̡̹̩̲̝̱ͯ̇͑ͧ̿᷆͜͠s̜͔̞̮͍̬̖͂̎̔᷅̓᷇̔͝.̨͖͎̬̞̱̙͛᷅ͦͯͣͬ̌̃**

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**JADE:** **see look, one of your time doubles is surely predestined to come from a few minutes in the future and appear behind me for a surprise attack, riiiight about... **

**JADE:** **now! **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **no wait **

**JADE:** **riiiiiiiiiight... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **NOW! **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **... **

**JADE:** **dave why is your future self being such a wet blanket **

**DAVE: i told you**

**DAVE: im not time traveling**

**DAVE: i think im giving it up for good actually**

**JADE:** **:\**

John appeared fully, looking down at Dave and Jade below him.

**JOHN: (uh oh.)**

Before he could do anything however, there was another flash of light next to him and another John appeared.

**JOHN: (hey!)**

**JOHN: (you shouldn't be here!)**

**JOHN: (wha...)**

**JOHN: (what the hell?) **

**JOHN: (gotcha!)**

The new John zapped the old John away from the scene. Suddenly they were floating in the middle of nowhere.

Current John stared at Future John.

Future John stared at Current John.

Current John stared at Future John.

Future John stared at Current John.

Current John stared at Future John.

Future John stared at Current John.

Current John stared at Future John.

The MSPA Reader watched, hand to your chin. In your minds' eye, you pictured the Johns kissing. It still kept happening. You lifted a gun upon coming to the sobering realization that things would never stop from keep happening constantly.

And you couldn't take it anymore.

**JOHN: stop fooling around and go find roxy, you dumb goof!**

Future John brought his fist down towards Current John's head.

**JOHN: who's roxy?**

**JOHN: OW!**

Fist and head collided, zapping John away.

He wooshed through the jail cell where Jake was being held, sweeping the artifact glitches away.

**JANE:** **It is just you and I now, Jake.**

**JANE:** **Alone at last.**

**JAKE: (Gulp!)**

**JAKE: Jane can you please tell me what in the sam hill is going on? **

**JAKE: Havent you kept me pinched in the hoosegow long enough?! **

**JANE:** **The what.**

**JAKE: What happened to my grandma! She seemed so nice then all of the sudden WHAMMO shes a gruesome monster! **

**JAKE: And whats with the thing she zapped on your head that flipped your cuckoo fruitcake switch! Is that what made you lose your marbles jane? **

**JAKE: And whyd you have to plant such a spanking haymaker on the old breadbasket? That really hurt! It still hurts! **

**JAKE: And why oh WHY must my bottom rock these snug custard undies while you get to look like such a doggone BAD ASS? **

**JAKE: Am i at least permitted to put on a respectable pair of fucking shorts? **

**JANE:** **Absolutely not.**

She crossed her arms and GCat zapped into them. She petted his head and he purred.

**JAKE: But jane i...**

**JANE:** **Jake. Be quiet.**

**JANE:** **Having recently been crowned a supreme being of pure logic, my tolerance for your antiquated horseshit has fallen to nil.**

**JAKE: Im sorry jane you know what a shameless blatherskite i can be!**

**JAKE: Especially when im nervous i start bumping my gums and prattling my screwball poppycock til im blue in the puss!**

**JAKE: You know how rough its been for me jane. After we almost hopped the broom and then dirk slipped me the mitten over the whole trickster sockdolager... it all caught me flat footed and knocked me right into a cocked hat!**

**JAKE: If squirreling me away in the calaboose like this is payback for the way i behaved youve got to believe me i never meant to hurt you jane! Im doing my best here and thats the real simon pure... SCOUTS HONOR!**

**JANE:** **Argh!**

**JANE:** **Jake, now you have done it.**

**JANE:** **You have made me exclaim in frustration audibly.**

**JANE:** **If your intent is to welcome another knuckle sandwich instead of my reasoning for your captivity, then go on. Say ONE MORE THING that sounds like something a corny old man would say.**

**JANE:** **I dare you.**

**JAKE: (Double gulp!)**

**JANE:** **That's what I thought.**

**JANE:** **Listen carefully, prisoner. **

**JANE:** **I stand to inherit a new empire very soon. **

**JANE:** **When Earth has reached its final destination, it will be repopulated with a fresh brood of loyal subjects over whom I will rule absolutely. **

**JANE:** **But I will not rule alone, Jake. Oh, no. I will need a husband to rule by my side. **

**JANE:** **That is where you come in. **

**JAKE: *Whimper...***

**JANE:** **You and I will be wed, and we will rule my empire together with an iron oven mitt. **

**JANE:** **However, the mitt will be worn by me, and me alone. You will have no executive authority whatsoever, because you are too stupid. **

**JANE:** **You will always do exactly what I say, when I say it. You will be obedient, cheerful, mostly silent, and scantily clad. Is that understood? **

**JAKE: *Sob!***

**JANE:** **You will also provide me with children so my imperial legacy will continue, and the Crocker brand will live on in infamy. **

**JANE:** **You will sire as many children as I ask for, and they will all be perfect, obedient little heirs and heiresses. **

**JANE:** **You do remember our recent agreement to have "a zillion babies," don't you, Jake? I do hope you were not planning to renege on this vow. **

**JAKE: *Sob sob sob...***

**JANE:** **Our children will rule the empire when we are gone, which of course will be never, because we will be eternally young and beautiful and immortal and in love, for ever and ever. **

**JANE:** **We will travel the galaxy conquering planets and expanding my empire. No alien world will pose any resistance to our forces. **

**JANE:** **Especially not once I figure out how to unlock all that incredible "Page of Hope potential" hidden away in your pathetic, hunky body. **

**JAKE: *SOB!***

**JAKE: Please no jane dont do this! I dont want to get married or sire children or rule an empire! Im scared and sad and afraid and i dont want to do this adventure anymore and i just want to go home!**

**JAKE: Please let me go back to earth jane! Just like it used to be! I just want to go back to my pumpkin patch in the jungle when things were simpler and all i had to worry about was being tackled by a feisty robot. I want to go back to when i didnt ruin all my friendships and when you didnt hate me and when you didnt go crazy and tell me to be your weird royal husband slave!**

**JAKE: WAAAAAAAAAAH!**

**JAKE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!**

**JAKE: *Hoooornk!***

**DIRK: Ew, dude.**

**DIRK: Don't blow your nose on your cape.**


	276. Book 16 Chapter 11: Go Find Roxy

Chapter 11: Go Find Roxy

**JAKE: (Brain ghost dirk!)**

**JAKE: (*Sob...*)**

**JAKE: (Youve got to do something!)**

**DIRK: Sorry, man. I'd like to help you out.**

**DIRK: But I'm not real.**

**JAKE: (Dag nabbit!)**

**JAKE: (*Sniffle...*)**

**JAKE: (Are you sure theres nothing you can do?)**

**DIRK: I'm only as real as your ability to believe in me.**

**JAKE: (But i do believe in you.)**

**JAKE: (I believe in everybody!)**

**DIRK: Yeah right.**

**DIRK: You've never **_**really**_ **believed in anyone your whole life, and you know it.**

**DIRK: Everything's always about you. Don't you remember? You already had this epiphany, dingus.**

**DIRK: I could only become truly real if you ever managed to harness those bomb as shit hope powers she mentioned.**

**DIRK: Then again, if you actually did that, you wouldn't even need my help.**

**JAKE: (But i cant!)**

**JAKE: (And i dont want to be a pawn in her lecherous baby making pastry empire.)**

**JANE:** **Jake.**

**JAKE: (*Blubber...*)**

**DIRK: Will you stop crying?**

**DIRK: It's reflecting poorly on both of us.**

**JAKE: (Sorry.)**

**JAKE: (*Sniff.*)**

**DIRK: Hey.**

**DIRK: Did you shave your legs?**

**JAKE: (No i think the magic god tier fire burned it all off...)**

**DIRK: God damn.**

**DIRK: They're so smooth.**

**DIRK: A car could swerve outta control on those gams.**

**JAKE: (I know. Its really weird.)**

**JAKE: (Speaking of legs...)**

**DIRK: Yeah. The little poofy asshole pants. I know.**

**JAKE: (Is that really what youre wearing now?)**

**DIRK: Yeah.**

**JAKE: (Sweet!)**

**DIRK: No.**

**JANE:** **JAKE.**

**JANE:** **To whom are you talking?**

**JAKE: Brain ghost dirk.**

**JANE:** **Brain... Ghost Dirk?**

**JAKE: Yes.**

**JANE:** **You are lying.**

**JAKE: No im not!**

**JANE:** **Brain Ghost Dirk sounds almost as fake as he is completely made up.**

**JAKE: But...**

**JAKE: *Snivel.***

**JAKE: *WEEEEEEEEEEP!***

**JANE:** **Oh, for goodness' sake.**

Jane turned around, dropping one arm so that GCat rested comfortably in the other.

**JANE:** **Pull yourself together, Jake.**

**JANE:** **Your behavior is repugnant, and has no place in my empire.**

**JANE:** **What kind of man are you?**

**JANE:** **What kind of suitor to an heiress weeps uncontrollably when his imaginary friend's existence is called into question?**

**DIRK: She has a point there.**

**JAKE: *Wahhh!***

**DIRK: Dude, would you quit bawling already?**

**DIRK: Stand up like a man, and punch her in the face or something.**

**JAKE: But i dont WANNA be a man and i dont WANNA punch her in the face!**

**JAKE: *WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!***

**JANE:** **Punch WHOM in the face, now?**

**JAKE: Nobody! *HOOOOOOORNK!***

**JANE:** **Just sickening.**

**JANE:** **To think I wasted my youth pining over a vile maggot like you.**

**JANE:** **Jake, you should not be misled when I imply that I love you, or when I command you to marry me and sire my children.**

**JANE:** **In truth I detest you, and if not for certain assets you possess, I would be sorely tempted to fork you full of holes right now and feed your remains to my daughter.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **But I won't.**

She slid her tongue between her teeth.

**JANE:** **You're lucky you're so hot.**

John's windy form swooshed out of the cell and into one nearby. He found himself surrounded by pumpkins and… a pyramid of perfectly generic objects?

**JOHN: hello?**

**JOHN: is uh...**

**JOHN: anyone inside that thing?**

**ROXY: who goes thr**

**JOHN: don't worry, i am not a villain.**

**JOHN: i'm just passing through, looking for someone.**

**JOHN: i was told to find a girl named roxy.**

**ROXY: roxy huh **

**ROXY: sounds like a babe **

**JOHN: heh.**

**JOHN: yeah, maybe.**

**JOHN: do you know her?**

**ROXY: kinda **

**JOHN: really?**

**JOHN: have you seen her?**

**ROXY: nope not in a while i am fraid **

**JOHN: darn.**

**ROXY: i could help you find her though **

**ROXY: w a series of vexing riddles + clues **

**ROXY: each more bewildering than the last **

**ROXY: each less infuriating than the next **

**ROXY: for i am the sphinx of this pyramid and that sort of coy bs is the shit i get up to ery day **

**ROXY: (all pyramids have sphinxes i decided j now) **

**JOHN: no, that sounds really dumb.**

**JOHN: i would rather just have some straightforward information as to her whereabouts.**

**ROXY: ummmmmmmmmm **

**ROXY: *strokes sphinxly chin enigmatically* **

**JOHN: can you at least tell me what she looks like?**

**ROXY: well the thing is **

**ROXY: shes hard 2 recognize lately **

**ROXY: she started wearing a mask for some fukin reason **

**ROXY: maybe so as to avoid detection from snoopy boys? ;) **

**ROXY: (just wonked u fyi) **

**JOHN: you just what?**

**ROXY: nothin! **

**JOHN: alright, well...**

**JOHN: can you tell me where and when you last saw her?**

**ROXY: heck yes **

**ROXY: it was last time i looked in a mirror **

**ROXY: theres no mirrors in jail though **

**ROXY: which is a shame **

**ROXY: could use an eyeload of that stone cold fox 2 get me thru the long nites **

**ROXY: hardest time i ever done :( **

**JOHN: oh my god.**

**JOHN: it's you!**

**JOHN: how could i possibly fall for such a stupid prank.**

**ROXY: ell em ay friggin OH **

**ROXY: youre almost as gullible as english **

**ROXY: how perf is it that thats some kinda family trait **

**JOHN: what?**

**ROXY: you must be john right **

**JOHN: yes.**

**JOHN: how did you know that?**

**ROXY: because jake rambled about meetin you a bunch of times **

**ROXY: also u sound like him **

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: it seems like you have me at a disadvantage then.**

**JOHN: which is impressive, considering you are in jail, and also in a little green pyramid thingy for some reason.**

**JOHN: did you...**

**JOHN: did you actually build that thing?**

**ROXY: f yeah! **

**JOHN: that's cool. it's like a little fort.**

**JOHN: i built a fort once in my room. i made it out of a bed sheet, and some cruxite dowels.**

**JOHN: then my friend threw it in a bottomless pit.**

**ROXY: hahah **

**ROXY: thas awesome **

**JOHN: it was alright.**

**ROXY: no but 4 real dont wreck my fort or i fuck you up **

**JOHN: i wouldn't dare.**

**JOHN: aren't you going to come out so i can see you?**

**ROXY: i would but **

**ROXY: ive been tryin to concentrate on something **

**ROXY: so i built this sick pyramid deal to help focus my brain chi and spiritual majyyks and if at all possible to blitz my chakras out the yin yang **

**JOHN: is it working?**

**ROXY: no **

**ROXY: but at least its nice and dark and quiet in here and free of distactions **

**ROXY: or it was until a guy came along lookin for some chick **

**JOHN: what are you trying to do exactly?**

**ROXY: i have to make a spikeball appear out of thin air **

**ROXY: but all i can make are these lame cubes **

**JOHN: you made all these cubes?**

**ROXY: yup **

**JOHN: that's a neat power.**

**ROXY: ty **

**ROXY: i also made some pumpkins **

**ROXY: cubes n pumpkins **

**ROXY: the manifestations of amateurs **

**ROXY: theyre basically freebies for void players i think **

**JOHN: i remember making some of those cubes with my alchemiter.**

**JOHN: i think that's what a blank card makes? so yeah, they're super primitive.**

**JOHN: but making pumpkins is pretty impressive. they're like... these big ol' vegetables.**

**ROXY: no dude **

**ROXY: pumpkins are helllls o primitive **

**ROXY: voidwise theyre like the middle square on a bingo card **

**ROXY: drummin up a dumb gourd aint nothing to write home about **

**JOHN: well, if you're really having trouble...**

**JOHN: i know a thing or two about learning to use god tier powers.**

**JOHN: maybe i could help?**

Roxy pushed three of the blocks out, opening a hole in the pyramid. She peered out at John.

**ROXY: hay look**

**ROXY: its jake stuffed in a blue windsock**

**ROXY: heheheh**

**JOHN: huh?**

**ROXY: n/m**

**ROXY: so what kind of hot god tier trix can you teach me**

**JOHN: tricks...**

**JOHN: i guess i don't know any actual TRICKS per se, aside from how to use some of my powers.**

**JOHN: but i don't know if the same tricks apply to using your powers...**

**ROXY: u said u could help tho**

**JOHN: i said MAYBE i could!**

**JOHN: i dunno, i was just throwing it out there.**

**JOHN: like, maybe if i told you about some of the experiences i had when i was learning to do my windy stuff, you might have some kind of... voidey epiphany?**

**ROXY: a voidey epiphany**

**JOHN: yes.**

**ROXY: k then**

**ROXY: im all ears johnny windsock**

**ROXY: let loose ur wisdom whilst i rake in the epiphanies**

**JOHN: ok, um,**

**JOHN: i've noticed whenever i learn to do new things with my powers, it's usually in response to something. like something important that has to be done.**

**JOHN: so why are you trying to make this spike ball?**

**JOHN: and how important does it feel to you?**

**ROXY: well at first i was mainly tryin to make it because dog girl was forcing me to**

**ROXY: but now i think i keep trying because im gettin obsessed with making this dumb spikeball and PO'd that i cant do it**

**JOHN: i see.**

**JOHN: what actually IS this spike ball, if you don't mind my asking?**

**ROXY: its an alien egg**

**ROXY: 4 tha trolls**

**ROXY: to hatch em all back to life**

**ROXY: but only to be ruled by an evil witch so its gonna be shitty for them**

**ROXY: so yeah its kind of an important thing**

**ROXY: but at the same time it would probably be terrible if i actually made it so...**

**JOHN: then maybe the fact that you're conflicted about it is why you're having trouble?**

**ROXY: yeh maybe**

**JOHN: if you think it's important to make, but don't want to give it to the bad guys, why don't you just...**

**JOHN: break out of jail?**

**JOHN: then you could try to make the egg at your own discretion, and use it however you think is best.**

**ROXY: idk**

**ROXY: i broke outta here once already and the fuckin witch just nabbed me again**

**ROXY: and that was BEFORE she recruited jakes omnipotent goofball grandma to zap me back here the moment i step outside**

**JOHN: yeah. it is a tricky situation with grimbark jade on the loose, that's for sure.**

**JOHN: but i've been managing to evade her.**

**JOHN: i just swoosh the breeze around to hide my scent, and dissolve into wind and fly away if she finds me.**

**JOHN: maybe you could do something like that too?**

**JOHN: it seems to me if anyone should be able to avoid detection using their powers, it would be a void player.**

**JOHN: get it? a void... as in, avoid?**

**JOHN: heh.**

**ROXY: that is legit sound reasoning yo**

**ROXY: + a way lame pun 2 boot**

**ROXY: but remember how we were just talkin about the fact that when it comes to god tier shit i dont know what the eff im doin?**

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: right.**

Roxy leaned her elbows on the green cubes and stared up at him.

**ROXY: anyway**

**ROXY: i thought you were going to regale me with stories of your ascent through the windsock tiers**

**ROXY: such that i may through osmosis glean the vagaries of godhood**

**ROXY: then all i got to do is wait for this rude tidal wave of epiphanies n junk to wash over me and get me hella wise**

**ROXY: then and only then**

**ROXY: i will b able to make this shitty egg happen**

**ROXY: k?**

**JOHN: ok. where should i start?**

**ROXY: at the beginning!**

**JOHN: you mean like when i first became a god tier?**

**JOHN: that's a long story... i was kind of tricked into that.**

**JOHN: it might take some setup to understand.**

**ROXY: dude look**

**ROXY: i dont have grand illusions that this yarn you spinll be like some actual efficacious tutelage on fuckin pajama spells**

**ROXY: i just want to hear u talk about stuff**

**ROXY: wanna kno ur stories!**

**ROXY: go :3**

**JOHN: alright.**

**JOHN: in that case, i guess it all started on my thirteenth birthday.**

**JOHN: which was three years ago, by the way.**

**JOHN: i heard about this awesome game, or at least one i thought was awesome, and i wanted to play it with my friends.**

**JOHN: but it wasn't so easy to start. i had to get it from the mail, which meant sneaking around the house while avoiding my dad.**

**JOHN: which was kind of stupid and childish in retrospect, but blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.**

**ROXY: hmmmmm**

**ROXY: go on**

She stared at him, wondering whether or not he was boyfriend material. He was probably totes eligible.

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah meteor.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah nannasprite blah blah blah blah oil everywhere blah blah blah blah blah blah imps blah blah blah.**

**ROXY: m hm **

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah your daughter blah blah at least i think she is blah blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah salamanders blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah trolls blah blah blah blah blah rocketpack blah blah blah died.**

**ROXY: rly **

**JOHN: blah blah karkat blah blah blah blah blah ectobiology.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah jack noir.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah queen's ring blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah my dad blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah a girl named vriska.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah windy thing blah blah blah blah blah blah ocean of green fire.**

**ROXY: wow **

**JOHN: blah blah blah quest bed blah blah blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah prototyped blah blah blah blah blah blah blah jade's omnipotent dog.**

**JOHN: blah blah chess guy blah blah blah blah blah flying around in my dad's car blah blah blah blah blah blah blah liv tyler.**

**JOHN: blah the battlefield blah blah blah blah huge wind drill blah blah blah blah the tumor.**

**JOHN: blah blah.**

**ROXY: pls continue **

**JOHN: blah blah blah followed rose blah blah blah blah blah blah blah mom and dad died blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah kissed her back to life.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah the scratch.**

**JOHN: blah blah huge record blah blah blah blah blah blah giant needle.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah green sun blah blah blah blah blah reset blah blah blah blah blah god tier jade blah blah blah blah blah blah blah golden battleship.**

**ROXY: ur kiddin me **

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah through a giant window.**

**JOHN: blah blah three years blah blah blah blah blah blah con air.**

**JOHN: blah blah thought it sucked blah blah blah blah but eventually came to my senses blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ghost busters 2 mmorpg.**

**ROXY: mmm**

John looked down at Roxy, noting that she looked bored. Shit. Better say more interesting things.

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah blah blah DUEL WITH JACK NOIR!**

**JOHN: blah blah blah TURNED INTO WIND AND ESCAPED blah blah blah blah blah blah.**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah COOL HAT WITH RABBIT EARS!**

**ROXY: oooh**

**JOHN: blah blah blah CRACKS IN PARADOX SPACE blah blah blah ENCHANTED DESERT blah blah blah MAGIC RING!**

**JOHN: blah blah ADVENTURE ON THE HIGH SEAS blah blah blah blah blah blah GHOSTLY TROLL PIRATES!**

**JOHN: blah ULTIMATE WEAPON blah blah blah blah blah blah DEFEAT LORD ENGLISH!**

**ROXY: !**

**JOHN: blah blah blah blah HOUSE SHAPED THINGY!**

**JOHN: blah blah POKED MY HAND INSIDE blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah UNSTUCK IN CANON!**

**JOHN: blah blah blah TURNED BLURRY blah blah blah blah CLOWNS ON TOP OF THE WHITE HOUSE blah blah blah blah VAMPIRE HISSED AT ME blah blah blah blah LITERALLY INSIDE CON AIR blah blah blah GLITCHY BULLSHIT blah blah blah MET MYSELF blah blah blah blah FINALLY FOUND YOU HIDING IN THIS LITTLE GREEN PYRAMID! WHEW!**

**ROXY: omg**

**JOHN: so that's...**

**JOHN: pretty much the whole story?**

**JOHN: i left a bunch of stuff out though.**

**JOHN: if more important stuff that i forgot occurs to me, i will let you know.**

**ROXY: hey no thats fine **

**ROXY: that was all great and exciting as heck **

**ROXY: it sounds like you guys got up to a lot more crazy shit than we did **

**ROXY: for us its been mostly dicking around in a session full of spooky skeletons for half a year **

**ROXY: then fefeta died **

**ROXY: the end **

**JOHN: fefeta?**

**ROXY: fefeta was a dear sweet precious dear DEAR friend of mine**

**ROXY: she was beautiful and sweet and lovely **

**ROXY: she sploded **

**JOHN: wow.**

**JOHN: i'm sorry.**

**ROXY: oh we also became tricksters which as far as things that happen go was sooo dumb **

**ROXY: i guess thats kinda the epilogue of our story? **

**ROXY: oh yeah then we had hangovers and went god tier accidentally **

**ROXY: thats the double epilogue **

**ROXY: the end ex two combo **

**JOHN: i don't know, that all sounds pretty interesting to me.**

**JOHN: sometimes in life, when you look back on things it can feel like it was all boring and uneventful.**

**JOHN: but when you really think about it, you remember all these cool things that happened you forgot about.**

**ROXY: hm yeah **

**ROXY: them wise words j sock **

**JOHN: anyway, if you remember more about your adventure and want to tell me some time, i would love to hear it!**

**ROXY: haha ok **

**ROXY: um but hey **

**ROXY: i could not help but notice in ur story you was talkin about my mom sometimes**

She stood up and walked out of the pyramid, pushing blocks aside until they were standing face to face.


	277. Book 16 Chapter 12: Mutual Moms

Chapter 12: Mutual Moms

**JOHN: your mom?**

**JOHN: well, yeah. but i know her as your daughter.**

**JOHN: but i mean, who the hell knows at this point?**

**ROXY: i know rite**

**ROXY: the curious case of the mutual moms**

**ROXY: it is**

**ROXY: the biggest mystery?**

**ROXY: u no**

**ROXY: once i even caught wind of some lore that implied i might even be my OWN mom**

**ROXY: (fefeta hinted that me once during a long spiel DAMN that girl could talk)**

**ROXY: how messed up would that be tho**

**JOHN: there is probably something to that actually.**

**JOHN: you were all the first batch of babies, after all.**

**JOHN: i think you were literal copies of yourselves?**

**JOHN: that's what it supposedly means to be a paradox clone.**

**ROXY: babies**

**ROXY: wat**

**JOHN: oh.**

**JOHN: i guess i kind of glossed over this stuff in my story.**

**JOHN: but i was the one who made us all in the first place, with a weird cloning machine.**

**ROXY: no fuckin shit?**

**ROXY: *is impressed***

**JOHN: it was no big deal though. i was just messing around with a control panel, and some babies appeared.**

**ROXY: so we already met huh**

**ROXY: and i dont even remember because i was just some idiot bb**

**ROXY: that aint fair!**

**JOHN: come to think of it, we met one other time too.**

**JOHN: but you were asleep.**

**ROXY: ?**

**JOHN: you were floating around in purple pajamas, and i pushed you out of the way of a flying fork.**

**JOHN: i almost forgot about that. but yep, that was you alright.**

**ROXY: you shoulda woke me up then**

**JOHN: i might have, but the fork stabbed me in the chest, and dream killed my sleep ghost. or something.**

**JOHN: you know how it is with dream logic.**

**ROXY: u mean how it makes lil 2 no sense ever**

**JOHN: yes, exactly.**

**JOHN: i guess i didn't think much about it at the time, but i had a sneaky suspicion that's who you were.**

**JOHN: you really look a lot like rose.**

**JOHN: she is looking for you, by the way.**

**ROXY: yeah?**

**JOHN: she told me to go find you. and i did.**

**JOHN: so, she says hi.**

**ROXY: o man**

**ROXY: what else did she say**

**JOHN: uh.**

**JOHN: she said...**

**JOHN: she's looking forward to meeting you?**

**ROXY: awwwwww**

**ROXY: well if u see her again before i do tell her i cant wait to meet her too**

**ROXY: though tbh im kinda nervous about it but dont tell her that part haha**

**JOHN: sure!**

**JOHN: there's nothing to be nervous about though.**

**JOHN: she's just a nice nerd who likes to read and knit.**

**ROXY: i shouldnt be surprised to hear that**

**ROXY: me and all my friends are a bunch of silly nerds too**

**ROXY: even dirk who thinks hes 2 cool 4 school**

**ROXY: when in reality he is nowhere close to clearing the coolness threshold which exempts one from attending an educational institution :p**

**JOHN: speaking of which...**

**JOHN: i've been wondering where he is?**

**JOHN: i know jade's grandpa is in jail too, getting badgered by my evil nanna...**

**ROXY: u mean jake n jane**

**JOHN: yes, sorry.**

**JOHN: but i have not seen hide nor hair of dave's bro yet.**

**ROXY: i figured he got thrown in jail too**

**ROXY: although come to think of it i probly would have heard a bloody ruckus by now resulting from his inevitable escape attempt**

**JOHN: hmm.**

**ROXY: im not that worried about him though hes good at takin care of himself**

**ROXY: in fact i feel like all of us will be ok now that you guys are here**

**ROXY: but**

**ROXY: there is still one of my friends im worried about the most**

**JOHN: who?**

**ROXY: shes my best friend**

**ROXY: well ok**

**ROXY: i got a few best friends u know?**

**JOHN: yes.**

**ROXY: but she was always kind of a special best friend**

**ROXY: and last time i saw her she was in big trouble**

**JOHN: oh no.**

**JOHN: where is she?**

**ROXY: in the afterlife**

**ROXY: being dead**

**JOHN: ...**

**ROXY: her bro killed her**

**ROXY: which is bad enough**

**ROXY: but now hes out there**

**ROXY: hunting for her ghost**

**ROXY: shes doing her best to hide**

**ROXY: but her bro is an awful and relentless piece of shit and im afraid**

**ROXY: im afraid she might be already gone :(**

**JOHN: you're right, that is very concerning.**

**JOHN: who is she? would i know of her?**

**ROXY: dunno**

**ROXY: how in the loop are you on cherubs?**

**JOHN: oh!**

**JOHN: surprisingly, i know a LOT about that subject.**

**JOHN: for instance, did you know they turn into gigantic snakes when they have sex?**

**ROXY: :O**

**ROXY: :O**

**ROXY: :O**

**JOHN: i know. weird, right?**

**JOHN: that's probably not very relevant to the topic at hand, though.**

**ROXY: yeah prob not**

**ROXY: anyway u know about lord english right**

**JOHN: uh huh.**

**ROXY: ok well**

**ROXY: shes his sister**

**ROXY: her name is calliope**

**JOHN: ohhh.**

**JOHN: ok, this is starting to make sense.**

**ROXY: yep**

**ROXY: shes supposed to be critical to defeatin him somehow**

**ROXY: shes going on some quest out there to find a deadlier version of herself or whatever**

**ROXY: i dunno that could be all be true...**

**ROXY: and maybe its selfish of me but all i rly care about now is if shes ok?**

**JOHN: i understand. she is your friend.**

**JOHN: i would feel the same way.**

**ROXY: :)**

**JOHN: wait a minute...**

**JOHN: i've got it!**

**ROXY: got what**

**JOHN: i have such a good idea that would solve your problem.**

**ROXY: ?**

**JOHN: all you have to do is bring her back to life!**

**ROXY: how**

**JOHN: easy. **

**JOHN: i have a magic ring! **

**ROXY: what**

**ROXY: u have one too**

**JOHN: yes! **

**JOHN: wait. what do you mean too? **

**JOHN: you have a magic ring? **

**ROXY: i HAD one**

**ROXY: fuckin lost it though**

**ROXY: made peeps invisible who put it on**

**JOHN: ah. **

**JOHN: no, mine doesn't do that. **

**JOHN: it brings ghosts back to life! **

**ROXY: FUCK**

**ROXY: no wai**

**JOHN: yes wai. way. **

**JOHN: it's back at my house. **

**JOHN: i could go get it right now! **

**ROXY: damn son**

**ROXY: i find this 2 be some truly baller happenstance**

**ROXY: if ur claim is true im...**

**ROXY: im cry :')**

**JOHN: it is quite true. **

**JOHN: it should be a piece of cake. **

**JOHN: you just wear it when you go to sleep, and it comes with you in your dreams. **

**JOHN: then you find your cherub friend, put it on her finger, and bring her back! **

**JOHN: i think you can only use it once though. so once she's wearing it, it would be hers forever, or at least as long as she wants it. **

**ROXY: yo**

**ROXY: yooooo**

**ROXY: john thats amazing**

**ROXY: i dunno though that sounds like**

**ROXY: such an obscenely precious commodity**

**ROXY: u sure you want to let me use it?**

**JOHN: sure. **

**JOHN: it's no big deal, really. **

**JOHN: for a while i was hanging on to it, thinking that i might give it to... **

**JOHN: aw man, this is going to sound dumb. **

**ROXY: hm?**

**JOHN: there was a girl who i was considering giving it to, for some reason. **

**JOHN: remember? she was the diabolical one who figured prominently in my long story. **

**ROXY: um**

**ROXY: oh yea**

**ROXY: fresca right**

**JOHN: yes, close enough. **

**JOHN: see, she REALLY wanted that ring. **

**JOHN: and she found out i had it, and... **

**JOHN: honestly, i'm not sure why it even crossed my mind to give it to her? **

**JOHN: i guess i was just used to the idea that i liked her for some reason. **

**JOHN: at least i thought i did. **

**JOHN: it was a stupid idea based on hardly anything. like one day of conversations. **

**JOHN: but since i've gotten to know her better... **

**JOHN: i don't know. **

**JOHN: i think i might actually... **

**JOHN: kind of hate her? **

**ROXY: yeah?**

**JOHN: yeah, she's... **

**JOHN: actually pretty awful! **

**JOHN: she's so full of herself, and mean to her friends, and...**

**JOHN: dangerous. **

**JOHN: really, really dangerous. **

**ROXY: ouch**

**ROXY: well what can i say john**

**ROXY: love sux**

**JOHN: yeah. it does. **

**JOHN: anyway, i don't think i can let anyone like that have the ring. **

**ROXY: but u dont mind trustin me w it?**

**JOHN: no! **

**JOHN: it's funny, after spending some time with a person who is legitimately crazy, it becomes easy to tell right away when someone... **

**JOHN: isn't? **

**ROXY: lol**

**ROXY: u sure about that**

**JOHN: well, yeah, everyone is a little crazy. i just mean not BAD crazy. **

**JOHN: besides, you don't even want the ring for yourself. **

**JOHN: you want to give it to someone you care about. **

**JOHN: that is what makes you one of the good guys. **

**ROXY: what a nice thing to say**

**ROXY: i bet sayin stuff like that is why ur their leader**

**JOHN: what makes you think i'm the leader? **

**ROXY: come on dude you are obvs the leader of otherkid teamsquad**

**ROXY: i can just tell**

**JOHN: haha, ok. i'll take that as a compliment. **

**JOHN: anyway, i'll go get the ring now. **

**ROXY: yay!**

**ROXY: ill wait here**

**ROXY: no need to set off the alarms with a daring escape just yet**

**ROXY: lets keep em lulled into a false sense of control over the sitch**

**ROXY: we can start scheming under their nose while u keep sneakin around undetected**

**ROXY: the last thing we want is for all hell to break loose before we know what were doin**

**JOHN: yeah, that's a good plan. **

**JOHN: if i had to guess, i'd say you must be the leader of your team squad too, right? **

**ROXY: naaaw**

**ROXY: that's jane**

**ROXY: as you can see shes the one with a knack for ruthless executive authority**

**ROXY: is a shame she only uses it when evil tho :(**

**JOHN: yeah. **

**JOHN: but maybe we can do something about that, if we work together. **

**ROXY: :D**

**JOHN: alright. off i go. **

**JOHN: keep practicing your powers! **

**JOHN: see you, roxy.**

John zapped away. Roxy rebuilt her pyramid and then jumped on top of it, perched on a stack of green cubes.

**ROXY: aw yiss**

She wiggled her fingers, closed her eyes, and produced the matriorb! Wait. That wasn't the matriorb. It was half matriorb, half perfectly generic object. She stuck out her tongue.

John swooped over to LOMAX, entering the ship. He walked over to the couch where he'd left the ring, only to find that… John Egbert's ring had gone missing.

**JOHN: WHAT THE FUCK**

**WE ARE ALL COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY BY THIS STUNNING REVELATION. WOW. MISSING. REALLY? AS IN NOT THERE? HUH. IT'S NOT THAT INTERESTING.**

To be continued in Book 17: ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 2


	278. HORSE ACCIDENT

BOOK WHO GIVES A FUCK: ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 2

HORSE ACCIDENT.

**WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR FAVORITE WEB SERIES. HOMOSUCK. ACT SOMETHING ACT SOMETHING SOMETHING. ALREADY IN PROGRESS.**

**THE LAST TIME ****THAT THINGS HAPPENED. THE MALE STORY HERO BLEW UP. SO FORTUNATELY. WE WON'T SEE HIM EVER AGAIN. **

**THAT MEANS WE NEED TO BE A NEW MALE TO LEAD THE STORY. HERE HE IS. WITH HIS DUMB BLACK GLASSES AND EVERYTHING. **

He drew Dave and dragged him into a shittily drawn version of his room.

**HERE TO ONWARD. I WILL REFER TO THIS MALE AS. THE ALPHA MALE. **

**THE ALPHA MALE IS LESS BAD THAN THE ORIGINAL MALE. HE IS NOT AS ANNOYING. AND HAS NO TENDENCY TO RANDOMLY APPEAR AND BOTHER PEOPLE. HE ALSO LIKES COOL SWORDS. AND "IRONY" I GUESS. AND LIKE MYSELF. HE HAS CULTIVATED A TASTE FOR FINE ART. HENCE, HE WILL BE MY MALE OF CHOICE ON THIS ADVENTURE. **

**BUT I WILL ADMIT. THERE IS ONE REASON ABOVE OTHERS. WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO FAVOR THE ALPHA MALE.**

**HE HAS EXCEPTIONAL TASTE IN PUPPETS.**

Caliborn drew Lil Cal and dragged him next to Dave.

**YESSSSSSSSSSS.**

**NORMALLY. HERE'S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. **

**HE WOULD TALK INTO HIS GLASSES OR SOMETHING. LIKE A PITIFUL LOSER. IN DOING SO YOU WOULD HAVE TO READ A LONG PESTER LOG CONVERSATION. BETWEEN HIM AND SOMEONE ELSE.**

**IT IS NEVER ADVISABLE TO READ A PESTER LOG. YOU SEE. THEY ARE SIMPLY MADE UP OF WORDS UPON WORDS. WHICH ONLY SERVE TO REMIND YOU. OF YOUR INTENSE DISLIKE FOR THE PEOPLE SAYING THE THINGS. AS WELL AS. HOW LITTLE REGARD THE AUTHOR HAS. FOR YOUR VALUABLE TIME. **

**AS SUCH. THERE WILL BE NO WORDS DESCRIBED IN MY TALE. ONLY ACTION!**

**THE ALPHA MALE WHISTLES FOR HIS BITCHES.**

**HE WILL NEED A LOYAL ENTOURAGE OF TOP FLIGHT FEMALES TO ASSIST HIM ON HIS IMPORTANT BOY JOURNEY.**

Caliborn dragged badly drawn sprites of Jade and Rose into Dave's room with him.

**ACTUALLY. LET'S INVITE A COUPLE MORE TO THE PARTY.**

He dragged badly drawn sprites of Roxy and Jane into the room as well.

**THESE TWO DELECTABLE FLOOZIES WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP UNTIL A LOT LATER. BUT LET'S BE HONEST. IT DOESN'T MATTER.**

**ALPHA MALE: BEGIN GAME.**

Caliborn drew the Totem Lathe, Alchemiter, and Cruxtruder.

**YOU AND YOUR COMELY HAREM OF HOOCHIE MAMAS CUT TO THE FUCKING CHASE. YOU SIDLE UP TO THE ASSORTMENT OF GAME JUNK. WHICH IS RELEVANT TO MAKING THIS HAPPEN.**

Suddenly, in a flash of blue light, John appeared next to the badly drawn cruxtruder. He stared up at it, blinking. Then he approached the bogus Dave, poking his shitty glasses. There was a springy sound.

**JOHN: oh dear god.**

**DISREGARD THE UNIMPORTANT MALE GHOST BEHIND THE CURTAIN.**

Caliborn dragged some shitty curtains into the scene to separate John from his characters.

**HE WILL NOT BE A PART OF THIS STORY.**

**JOHN: this is really dumb.**

**LET'S CONTINUE.**

**JOHN: why is everything SO SHITTY.**

**THE ALPHA MALE DOES THE REQUISITE THINGS WITH THE STUFF. HIS ADVENTURE IS NIGH.**

Caliborn quickly drew Dave's kernelsprite, entry item, a cruxite dowel, and some captchalogue cards, and put them in random places in the room.

**ALPHA MALE: GO OUTSIDE.**

**THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS TRUSTY BITCH PARADE PROCEED TO THE ROOF. TO WITNESS THE INCREDIBLE LAND OF FANTASY HE HAS ENTERED.**

John untangled the shitty curtains enough to peer through them, calling out after the already leaving badly drawn versions of his friends.

**JOHN: this isn't how any of this happened, you idiot!**

**ALPHA MALE: BE ON ROOF.**

Caliborn moved them to Dave's roof, the google image search clouds in the sky around it. John struggled up the shittily drawn stairs.

**JOHN: hey, where do you think you're going! i'm not going to stand by while you mangle our story like this!**

**JOHN: augh, these stairs are so terrible! how are these even stairs?!**

**YOU SUCCESSFULLY BE ON THE ROOF. AND PREPARE TO HUMAN KISS YOUR SORRY PLANET GOODBYE. THERE IS NOT A DRY EYE IN THE PARTY. EXCEPT FOR THE MALE'S. AS WELL AS THE PUPPET'S.**

**SUDDENLY. THERE IS A DRAMATIC CHANGE.**

He faded out the background to black, to indicate the shift to the Medium. John tried to squeeze through the awfully drawn door.

**JOHN: wait!**

**JOHN: fuck!**

**JOHN: oh my god. this door is DOG SHIT.**

**I DON'T RECALL WHAT HIS LAND WAS THOUGH.**

Lil Seb sat on the ground, cutting out steps from the drawings in the _Make A World_ book by Ed Emberley.

**SOMETHING WITH LAVA I THINK? I DON'T REALLY CARE. I WILL JUST MAKE UP MY OWN. IT WILL BE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY. TO FLEX MY POWERFUL *WORLD BUILDING* MUSCLES FOR YOU TO BE DAZZLED BY. **

**YOU SEE. WHEN CRAFTING A STRONG AND COMPELLING NARRATIVE. I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR AN ACCOMPLISHED ARTIST. TO GIVE HIMSELF THE LATITUDE TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS. AND TO FUCK AROUND AS MUCH AS CHERUBICALLY POSSIBLE. AND THE SIZE OF THAT LATITUDE SHOULD BE. LITERALLY AS BIG. AS THE WHOLE FUCKING STORY. **

**AS SUCH. USING KNOWLEDGE ACCRUED FROM MY TOMES OF ARTISAN KNOWLEDGE. I WILL CHANGE MY "ART STYLE". TO DEMONSTRATE MY VERSATILITY. AND MAKE YOU BE IMPRESSED. **

**HOWEVER. THE MANGAS ARE CLEARLY TOO ADVANCED FOR NOW. AFTER I LEVEL UP IN FINE ART. MAYBE. BUT NOT NOW. **

**SO FOR THE TIME BEING. AND TO GET MORE PRACTICE. ALL OF MY WORLD ASSETS. WILL BE RESPECTFULLY PLAGIARIZED FROM THE DISTINGUISHED MR. EMBERLY.**

He pasted in some of the drawings from the book.

**WOW, YES. SO GOOD. WELCOME LAND OF SOMEONE'S HANDICRAFTS I TOOK (LOSHIT FOR SHORT).**

John looked up at a drawing of a castle.

**JOHN: what.**

**ALPHA MALE: WHISTLE FOR STALLIONS.**

Lil Seb cut out the steps of how to draw a walking horse.

**YOU BECKON A FLOCK OF NOBLE MOUNTS. YOUR PARTY WILL NEED THEM. TO GALLOP ACROSS MY BEAUTIFUL REALM OF WONDERS.**

**STALLIONS: DESCEND.**

**THE ALPHA MALE'S REIGN OF ADVENTURE BEGINS HERE. ON THIS ROOF. OVERLOOKING AN ENCHANTED CLIFFSCAPE. HOST TO INNUMERABLE GORGEOUS STALLIONS. **

**HOW IRONIC. THAT HIS VERY DEPARTURE. WOULD BE IN THE PROXIMITY OF SOME HORSES. WHAT. YOU DIDN'T FOLLOW THAT? JUST THINK IT OVER. **

**THINK IT OVER.**

**ALL: MOUNT STEEDS.**

They climbed onto the horses' backs, even though some of them were incompletely drawn (they were only steps, of course).

**ALL MEMBERS OF YOUR PARTY SIT ON THEIR MAJESTIC BEASTS OF BURDEN. AND PREPARE TO RIDE LIKE THE WIND. **

**IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING. THAT THE INCOMPLETE HORSES. MUST BE RESERVED FOR THE WOMEN.**

**STEEDS: RIDE.**

The horses took off from the roof into the air, one staying behind for John to ride on. Needless to say, it was the most incomplete.

**THEY'RE OFF! LOOK AT THEM GO.**

**JOHN: wait!**

**JOHN: ugh.**

**JOHN: you're all such morons!**

**JOHN: eaeuurghghhh.**

**JOHN: welp.**

**JOHN: guess it's time to saddle up.**

**JOHN: why the hell not.**

He mounted the remaining incomplete horse with some difficulty.

**JOHN: unf.**

**JOHN: this is literally the suckiest horse i have ever seen in my life.**

**JOHN: whatever.**

**JOHN: GIDDYUP!**

He took off into the sky.

**JOHN: YA!**

**JOHN: YAHHH!**

**JOHN: FLY, SHIT BISCUIT!**

**JOHN: FLY!**

The horse traveled upwards.

**JOHN: NO, YOU DUMBASS!**

**JOHN: NOT THIS WAY!**

**JOHN: GO DOWN!**

**JOHN: DOWN I SAY!**

The horse flew around some other drawings Caliborn had randomly into LOSHIT.

**JOHN: WHOA FELLA!**

**JOHN: WATCH OUT FOR THAT HELICOPTER!**

**JOHN: AND THAT ROCKET SHIP!**

**JOHN: AND THAT, UH…**

**JOHN: ROW OF SKY VIKINGS!  
JOHN: YES, GO THIS WAY! DOWN! GOOD HORSE!**

He began to spiral down to where the others had landed, next to a large body of "water".

**JOHN: YEE HAW!**

**JOHN: ALMOST THERE!**

**JOHN: WAIT… HORSE!**

**JOHN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!**

**JOHN: OH GOD.**

**JOHN: WE'RE GONNA CRASH!**

He was headed directly towards the shitty Roxy.

**JOHN: BOGUS ROXY, WATCH OUT!**

**JOHN: WE'RE GONNA CRAAAAAAAAASH!**

**JOHN: um…**

**JOHN: very slowly, it would seem.**

The horses crashed into each other, John flying one way and Roxy the other. Her head and leg came apart from the force of the impact. John got to his feet and walked over to her, picking up her head.

**JOHN: sorry, bogus roxy.**

**JOHN: i will try to make it up to you.**

**JOHN: um.**

**JOHN: the real you, i mean.**

**THE ALPHA MALE IS ACCOSTED BY A PACK OF WILD FOES.**

John dropped bogus Roxy's head.

**JOHN: oh hell no. this bozo is still at it.**

John stormed over to where Caliborn had set up a fight between Dave and a robot, a witch, and a small wolf.

**RAUCOUS MELEE IS IMMINENT. THE MALE REACHES FOR HIS BLADE. BUT DISCOVERS. HE DOESN'T HAVE ONE! IN HIS HASTE TO BEGIN HIS JOURNEY. HE FORGOT TO TAKE IT.**

**ALPHA MALE: RECEIVE BOON FROM YOUR CREATOR.**

Caliborn dragged a juju chest in front of Dave.

**I GIVE THE MALE A MYSTERIOUS CHEST. WILL WHAT IS INSIDE. TURN THE TIDE OF BATTLE? LET'S FIND OUT.**

**ALPHA MALE: OPEN CHEST.**

**YOU OPEN THE CHEST. TO REVEAL A COLLECTION OF ILLICIT SMUT. *JACKPOT* I SAY. BY WHICH I MEAN. YOU SAY. ****WITH YOUR TRUSTY SMUT. FORGE A SWORD.**

Dave folded the smutty drawings of Jane, Roxy, Jake, and Dirk into a sword. John teared up at the sight of it.

**YOUR FILTHY HUMAN PORNOGRAPHY. HAS BEEN FORGED INTO A FORMIDABLE BLADE. YOUR FOES TREMBLE IN THEIR BOOTS!**

**ALPHA MALE: STRIKE THE WITCH.**

Bogus Dave's horse galloped up to the witch and Dave hit her with the sword.

**YOU DEAL A CRITICAL HIT TO THE HORRIBLE WITCH. **

**HOWEVER. AN ILL TIMED LEAP SUBSEQUENTLY CAUSES YOU TO SUFFER *MASSIVE DAMAGE*.**

**YOUR NOBLE MOUNT ABSORBS MOST OF THE DAMAGE THOUGH. THE HORSE HAS BEEN SLAIN. THE WOLF THING CONSUMES THE CARCASS. AFTER HIS MEAL. HE LEAVES FULL AND SATISFIED. NEVER TO RETURN.**

**THE WITCH ALSO DIES FROM HER INJURIES. SHE DROPS. LET'S SAY. ADDITIONAL PORNOS. YOU PUT THEM IN YOUR STASH.**

**JOHN: booooooooooooo!**

**AS A RESULT OF ALL THAT. THE ROBOT GOES CRAZY.**

**ALL YOUR FOES HAVE BEEN DEFEATED. YOU WIN THE FRACAS! AS THE BEST BOY HERO. WHO ACCOMPLISHED A SUCCESS. YOU ARE NOW ENTITLED TO THE SPOILS.**

**JOHN: YOU SUCK!**

**ALPHA MALE: RECEIVE SPOILS.**

**THE MALE SHEATHS HIS SWORD ON THE FLOOR. LOOKING COOL AND CASUAL. LIKE THE DANGEROUS HERO THING HE DID WAS NO BIG DEAL. **

**BUT ONE OF HIS FAITHFUL BIMBOS NEARBY THOUGHT IT WAS A *REALLY* BIG DEAL. SHE IS SWOONING HIS WAY RIGHT NOW. SHE WILL REWARD THE MALE FOR HIS MANLY DEEDS. WITH A HUMAN KISS! **

**JOHN: oh god dammit.**

**HERE IS WHERE THE TALE BEGINS TO GET A LITTLE. *SLOPPY* AHAHA. HAHA.**

**NARRATIVE: ZOOM IN ON RAUNCHY SEDUCTION.**

Caliborn tried to move them closer together.

**JOHN: no, stop! they're brother and sister you gross freak!**

Caliborn moved them even closer.

**JOHN: aaarggh.**

**JOHN: no.**

**JOHN: NO!**

**JOHN: i don't care HOW bogus they are!**

**JOHN: i won't…**

**JOHN: let you make…**

**JOHN: dave and rose…**

**JOHN: KISS!**

**JOHN: THAT'S ENOUGH!**

John shoved Dave away with all of his might, snapping his leg off in the process.

**JOHN: I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF YOUR SHITTY STORY!**

**JOHN: IT'S SO UGLY AND STUPID AND IT'S MAKING ME SO MAD!**

**JOHN:RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRUUUUUUUUUUAARRAAUUAGHAAUAUUGHGAARRUAUAGHUUUAAAUAGGGGAAUHHGH!**

He walked over to bogus Dave's broken body and stamped on his face repeatedly.

**JOHN: AND ANOTHER THING!**

**WHY DON'T YOU LEARN TO RESPECT GIRLS BETTER?!**

**JOHN: YOU'RE JUST MAKING THEM FOLLOW DAVE AROUND LIKE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!**

**JOHN: THE ONLY THING YOU'RE LETTING THEM DO IS KISS THE BOY WHENEVER HE DOES SOMETHING BRAVE!**

**JOHN: THAT'S SO LAME! ALL THESE GIRLS HAD THEIR OWN COOL ADVENTURES! DON'T YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE MAKES YOU A WEIRD CREEP?**

**IT SEEMS THE ALPHA MALE HAS BEEN SLAIN. THIS OBVIOUSLY WILL NOT DO. SOME ADDITIONAL BACKUP MALES ARE DEPLOYED. DUE TO, LET'S SAY. TIME TRAVEL.**

Caliborn shoved more Daves into the scene.

**TIME TRAVEL KEEPS HAPPENING!**

He grabbed even more and dumped them onto John's head.

**THE MALE IS BEING VERY RECKLESS WITH HIS LOOPS. WHAT A MESS!**

Caliborn dumped another hundred or so Daves and dropped them onto John.

**THE DUDE PILE. DOESN'T STOP. FROM GETTING TALLER. ****IT CAUSES EVERYONE TO COMPLETELY FORGET. ABOUT THE INCREASINGLY AGITATED BLUE MALE. ALTOGETHER.**

**THAT'S THE END OF HOMOSUCK. ACT. UH.**

**JOHN: (I'M GONNA FUCKIN KILL YOU!)**

**CHAPTER TWO.**

**THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY STORY. BE SURE TO CLICK THROUGH THE FOLLOWING PAGES AS FAST AS YOU CAN. TO GET RIGHT BACK HERE. TO THE GOOD STUFF. BYE.**

Shitty curtains closed in on John flailing around in a pile of poorly drawn Daves.

ACT 6. ACT 6 INTERMISSION TWO.


	279. Book 17 Chapter 2: The Power of Light

Book 17: Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 2

Chapter 2: The Power of Light

Jane floated in front of Jake's rebuilt house on LOMAX, using her tiaratop to play SBURB and duplicate the same piece of the house again upwards, making it higher and higher.

On the Prospitian battleship, in the fridge, slept Gamzee, fast asleep. On his finger was John's ring.

Aranea put her fingers to her temples, mind controlling Gamzee, asleep, to bring her the ring on a velvet pillow. He knelt in front of her, and Aranea held her hand out over the pillow.

**ARANEA: Rise, my 8ard.**

She put her finger to her chin and raised an eyebrow.

**ARANEA: "Rise, my 8ard?"**

**ARANEA: Sheesh.**

**ARANEA: Aranea, if you want people to start taking you seriously, your chilling repartee is going to need some work.**

She took the ring and placed in on her finger. Suddenly, her eyes went back to normal, her eight pupils restored to their former splendor. She placed the hand her ring was on on Gamzee's hoodie.

**ARANEA: Now, loyal minstrel.**

**ARANEA: Wake!**

**ARANEA: WAKE, I SAY!**

Together, they tumbled out of the fridge and onto the checkerboard rug on the floor. Aranea's shellphone fell out of her pocket and began to vibrate across the floor.

**ARANEA: Just gr8.**

**ARANEA: What does she want THIS time?**

She opened the phone.

**ARANEA: Shello?**

**MEENAH: hey twerket**

**MEENAH: da fuck you think youre doin**

**ARANEA: I have no idea what you're talking a8out.**

**MEENAH: bullship**

**MEENAH: you went after the blue nerds ring**

**MEENAH: you wearin it now aint you**

**ARANEA: I couldn't say, Meenah.**

**ARANEA: I do like to wear jewelry from time to time, just like you.**

**ARANEA: It's certainly possi8le there is a shiny new ring on my finger.**

**ARANEA: So what if there is?**

**MEENAH: aranea so kelp me god**

**MEENAH: you need to take that shit off right now**

**MEENAH: throw it in a volcano or somefin and just come home**

**ARANEA: First, I would appreci8 it if you referred to me as Mindfang.**

**ARANEA: Remem8er how I've 8een trying to make that 8e a thing l8tely?**

**ARANEA: Second, I have no intention of discarding this ring, now or ever.**

**ARANEA: Wheels are already in motion, Meenah.**

**ARANEA: Irons are heating up as we speak!**

**MEENAH: wheels**

**MEENAH: irons**

**MEENAH: aranea what**

**MEENAH: mindfang what are you even planning**

**MEENAH: you gonna meddle?**

**MEENAH: you gonna meddle i just know it UGH**

**ARANEA: I am just taking some initi8tive for a change.**

**ARANEA: Has it occurred to you that it might have 8ecome a little tiresome for me to spend eternity as a 8oring no8ody while so many others got to play important roles in determining the f8 of reality?**

**ARANEA: Heck, you were 8arely dead for two minutes 8efore you started assem8ling an army!**

**ARANEA: Even my altern8 universe self got to lead an amazing life. Which is all well and good for HER...**

**ARANEA: 8ut what a8out ME, Meenah?**

**ARANEA: Water. 8oat. **_**Me.**_

**MEENAH: yo i feel you on that**

**MEENAH: trust me gurl**

**MEENAH: but you do realize youre makin a glubbin mess here**

**MEENAH: i mean you KNOW this shit aint like**

**MEENAH: part a the legit chain of events**

**MEENAH: you arent supposed to be there**

**ARANEA: Of course I know that.**

**ARANEA: Like I said, I have a plan.**

**MEENAH: W)(AT PLAN**

**ARANEA: I'm going to take over this session.**

**ARANEA: And then I am going to make sure it never 8ears fruit.**

**ARANEA: If I can stop this universe from 8eing cre8ted, then the young Lord of Time will never have hatched in the first place.**

**ARANEA: I won't merely 8e defeating an invinci8le foe. I will 8e erasing all the pain he has ever caused.**

**MEENAH: uh**

**MEENAH: serk have you lost it**

**MEENAH: you know all youre doing is making another doomed timeline where everyone dies right**

**ARANEA: Of course I know that.**

**ARANEA: Please, Meenah. Don't insult me. I've given this a lot of thought.**

**ARANEA: If anyone else attempted this, what you said would 8e true. 8ut I am not just anyone.**

**ARANEA: I am a very powerful Sylph of Light. I have had millions of sweeps to hone my a8ilities.**

**ARANEA: As one gifted with the aspect of light, certain outcomes will 8e prone to 8r8king in my favor.**

**ARANEA: And as an ancient, highly experienced sylph, I wield an unprecedented a8ility to heal.**

**ARANEA: A doomed timeline is really just an anatomical feature of a much larger organism. Like a capillary which comes to an end, 8ecause it has withered and died.**

**ARANEA: I 8elieve I will 8e a8le to heal this offshoot.**

**ARANEA: And with enough time and patience, I am confident I can restore its vitality to such a gr8 extent, it will effectively take over as the alpha timeline, thus reducing English to a lost footnote of paradox space.**

**ARANEA: Then the new alpha timeline will flourish under my immortal care. I will watch over it for eternity, assuring peace and harmony everywhere. There will 8e a new progeny of universes, and those universes will 8eget more universes, and each will 8enefit from my good grace. I will personally make sure nothing like the English mishap ever occurs again.**

**ARANEA: I mean, this is mostly theoretical, of course.**

**ARANEA: 8ut the most important thing here is that I am involved now.**

**ARANEA: It is vital to all our interests that I at least TRY. **

**MEENAH: aight**

**MEENAH: so you just totally flipped your think pan is all**

**MEENAH: got it**

**ARANEA: I appreci8 the vote of confidence.**

**ARANEA: Are we a8out done here?**

**MEENAH: no**

**MEENAH: so your timeline healing fantasy aside**

**MEENAH: your plan is to just waltz in there**

**MEENAH: an knock over the whole session**

**MEENAH: you do realize that means youll have to take down my grownup self**

**MEENAH: like**

**MEENAH: not to blow my own conch but she is arguably the greatest deadliest most stylin badass who ever lived**

**ARANEA: I am aware.**

**ARANEA: 8ut there is no one who is in a 8etter position to deal with her than myself.**

**ARANEA: After all, who knows you 8etter than I? ::::)**

**MEENAH: ok yeah but**

**MEENAH: you aint exactly shoppin for her mindfang**

**MEENAH: she got all these sick powers yo**

**ARANEA: It's like I said.**

**ARANEA: I've had quite a long time to refine my a8ilities.**

**ARANEA: I will have a few tricks up my sleeve.**

**MEENAH: man**

**MEENAH: this is gonna go so terribubbly**

**ARANEA: Meenah, I must say your attitude is a little surprising.**

**ARANEA: I thought you were typically gung ho a8out such audacious escapades?**

**MEENAH: yeah well**

**MEENAH: theres audacious and then theres bald faced flipping insmanatee**

**MEENAH: beside**

**MEENAH: did you ever stop and think about me**

**ARANEA: What a8out you?**

**MEENAH: you being alive again**

**MEENAH: all runnin around stirring up trouble while im still a ghost**

**MEENAH: im gonna miss you**

**ARANEA: I'll miss you too, Meenah.**

**MEENAH: will i ever sea you again**

**ARANEA: I really don't know.**

**ARANEA: When you're trying to do the right thing, there is always sacrifice involved.**

**ARANEA: Remem8er? That's why we all died in the first place.**

**MEENAH: i guess**

**ARANEA: 8esides. I'm sure Vriska would approve of my plan.**

**ARANEA: May8e she can explain my reasoning 8etter than I have.**

**MEENAH: um no**

**MEENAH: actually serket deuce isnt down with this at all**

**ARANEA: What?**

**ARANEA: She isn't?**

**MEENAH: nope**

**MEENAH: she thinks you bein dumb as a fuck**

**ARANEA: What did she say, exactly?**

**ARANEA: Were those her exact words?**

**MEENAH: dunno**

**MEENAH: this aint the serket twin message reelay service**

**ARANEA: Is she there with you?**

**MEENAH: yeah**

**ARANEA: Can you put her on?**

**MEENAH: no**

**VRISKA: (Can I just talk to her already?)**

**MEENAH: no**

**VRISKA: (I just want to say a couple things!****) **

**MEENAH: call her yourself**

**VRISKA: (I don't have a phone!)**

**VRISKA: (Here, let me talk to her.)**

**MEENAH: NO**

**MEENAH: bitch dont touch my clam**

**ARANEA: Very well.**

**ARANEA: You have 8oth made yourselves a8undantly clear.**

**ARANEA: I will go it alone. 8ut that's what I was signing up for in the first place, I suppose.**

**ARANEA: Good8ye, Meenah. Take care.**

She closed her phone and put it away before turning to Gamzee, who was lying on the floor, still under her control.

**ARANEA: Now then.**

**ARANEA: What to do a8out you?**

**ARANEA: Shall I continue to manipul8 you? Or will you comply with my orders if I decide to loosen my grip?**

**ARANEA: Perhaps the threat of 8eing controlled again will 8e enough to keep your capricious tendencies in check?**

**ARANEA: ...**

She let Gamzee sit up. His codpiece stuck straight up, concealing his nearly perpetually aroused troll genitalia.

**ARANEA: I guess it's a risk.**

**ARANEA: 8ut you seem so serene and compliant.**

**ARANEA: Alright. I will 8e gracious, and allow you some free will privileges.**

**ARANEA: Use them wisely, my trusty jongleur.**

She released her mind control grip on him.

**GAMZEE: MOTHER FUCK WHO'S ALL THIS FRESH PIMP RYDA I GOT MY WICKED PEEP ON FOR SUDDENLY? IT'S A MOTHER FUCKIN NINJALICIOUS HO-TITTY MIRACLE JACKED UP IN THIS BITCH ASS MOTHER FU-**

Aranea silenced him with her hand, causing him to fall back into a serene state of compliance.

**ARANEA: No.**

**ARANEA: Oh, wow. No. **

**ARANEA: You will not ever 8e speaking again. No. **

**ARANEA: Never, never, never again. Never. **

**ARANEA: Wow. **

**ARANEA: And I thought our Makara was awful. At least he had the decency to sew his mouth shut.**

**ARANEA: Anyway, I have wasted enough time dithering around with fools. **

**ARANEA: There is much work to 8e done.**

She began mind controlling a bunch of dead Damaras. They collectively lifted the Prospitian battleship into the air. Jane turned around to see it floating in front of her. She narrowed her eyes and followed it as it flew away from LOMAX.

Karkat and Kanaya sat on logs around a fire on LOFAF, roasting hummingbirds. Karkat's wrist crab began to vibrate.

**MEENAH: nubs mcshouty**

**MEENAH: come in shouty**

**MEENAH: do you read me**

**KARKAT: WHAT?**

**KARKAT: WHO'S THERE.**

**MEENAH: shouty is that you**

**KARKAT: YEAH. **

**KARKAT: I MEAN, NO. **

**KARKAT: THIS IS KARKAT. **

**KARKAT: IS THIS **

**KARKAT: IS THIS MEENAH? **

**MEENAH: yeh**

**KARKAT: OH. **

**KARKAT: HEY **

**KARKAT: LONG TIME NO, UH **

**KARKAT: I DIDN'T THINK I'D HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN. **

**KARKAT: NOT THAT I'M TELLING YOU TO PISS OFF OR ANYTHING, I'M JUST SURPRISED. **

**KARKAT: HOW HAVE YOU BEEN **

**KARKAT: I MEAN **

**KARKAT: NEVER MIND. THAT'S A FUCKING STUPID QUESTION. **

**KARKAT: YOU'RE A GHOST. **

**KARKAT: YOU'RE STILL A GHOST, RIGHT? **

**KARKAT: UH **

**KARKAT: HEY LOOK **

**KARKAT: I KNOW WE MADE THOSE TENTATIVE PLANS WHERE I WAS GOING TO JOIN YOUR ARMY. **

**KARKAT: AND THEN I GUESS NOTHING REALLY CAME OF THAT, BECAUSE... **

**KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS SOME SHIT CAME UP? **

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW HOW THINGS GO. **

**KARKAT: ANYWAY, I'M SORRY I NEVER SAW YOU AFTER THAT, OR CALLED YOU, OR... **

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS A FUCKING OPTION TO CALL YOU. **

**KARKAT: MAYBE SOMEONE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT WAS AN ACTUAL FUCKING POSSIBILITY? **

**KARKAT: I KNOW, WHAT A CRAZY THOUGHT. USEFUL, PRACTICAL INFORMATION BEING IMPARTED TO ME IN SOME MANNER FOR ONCE IN MY FU- **

**MEENAH: shouty stfu**

**MEENAH: we got a whale of a problem here**


	280. Book 17 Chapter 3: The Power of Hope

Chapter 3: The Power of Hope

Jane followed the battleship to Derse. It touched down on top of the jail, cracking the building down the middle.

**JANE:** **Crocker to Harley.**

**JANE:** **Come in Harley.**

**JANE:** **Do you read me?**

**JADE:** **yes :B **

**JANE:** **I suggest that you come to Derse right away.**

**JADE:** **what is it**

**JANE:** **We potentially have a problem here that is rather significant in size.**

**JAKE: Zzzzzz.**

Jake lay on the cold floor of his cell, head against his hands, fast asleep.

**JAKE: Ooh neytiri...**

**JAKE: Zzz.**

**JAKE: Im learning so much about myself...**

**JAKE: Through your primitive culture...**

**JAKE: Snore.**

**NEYTIRI: Jake.**

**JAKE: Whats that neytiri?**

**JAKE: Snooze.**

**JAKE: Why yes...**

**JAKE: Of course i am open to exploring alien intercourse with you...**

**NEYTIRI: Jake. **

**JAKE: Do what with my tail now?**

**JAKE: Oh my...**

**JAKE: Zzzzzzzzzzz.**

**NEYTIRI: Jake, wake up. **

**JAKE: Hold your horses neytiri im doing my best here...**

**JAKE: You know mobility isnt my strong suit what with this wobbly pair of puppet legs god gave me...**

**JAKE: Slumber.**

**ARANEA: JAKE!**

**JAKE: BWUH?**

Jake sat up suddenly.

**ARANEA: Greetings, Jake.**

**ARANEA: We meet again.**

**JAKE: Aranea?**

**JAKE: Wait this means im still dreaming doesnt it.**

**ARANEA: On the contrary!**

**ARANEA: You are awake now.**

**ARANEA: And I, alive.**

**JAKE: Hold the phone...**

**JAKE: Youre not a spooky ghost babe anymore?**

**JAKE: Girl! Ghost girl.**

**JAKE: (Dangit!)**

**ARANEA: No, Jake. I have returned from the dead for good.**

**ARANEA: And I have come for you.**

**JAKE: G-g-g-**

**JAKE: Gulp. :o**

**ARANEA: Surely you remem8er the first time we met? And what we talked a8out?**

**JAKE: Yeah.**

**JAKE: Um.**

**JAKE: Mostly?**

**ARANEA: I once spoke of your destiny. The one where8y you will deal the Lord of Time his first defeat. Do you recall?**

**JAKE: No.**

**JAKE: I mean...**

**JAKE: Maybe?**

**ARANEA: It doesn't matter. The plan has changed.**

**JAKE: It has?**

**ARANEA: Yes, Jake.**

**ARANEA: You see, in every hero of hope there dwells a gr8 hidden power, unrivaled 8y that of any other aspect.**

**ARANEA: And for a page, the journey to reach his full potential is longer than it is for any other class.**

**ARANEA: 8ut once that journey is over, how fearsome he 8ecomes!**

**ARANEA: I am here to shorten that journey for you. **

**ARANEA: And in return for this favor, you will serve my needs.**

Aranea put her hands on Jake's shoulders.

**JAKE: H-**

**JAKE: How?**

**ARANEA: There are many o8stacles within that are preventing you from accessing your true potential.**

**ARANEA: You cannot see them, Jake. 8ut I can.**

**ARANEA: I can see every fault and fissure in your mind. My vision 8-fold sheds light on every injury you have ever suffered, whether emotional or physical.**

She pulled Jake's waist towards her.

**ARANEA: I can repair it all for you, Jake.**

**JAKE: (Oh no...)**

She moved her lips closer to his.

**ARANEA: I can heal your mind.**

**JAKE: (Oh n-n-n-)**

**ARANEA: I can heal your soul.**

**JAKE: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-nooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

He flailed at her, pushing her away.

**ARANEA: What's the matter?!**

**JAKE: Stop! Please stop!**

**JAKE: Why does everyone want to kiss me all the time!**

**JAKE: What did i ever do to deserve this sort of attention!**

**JAKE: I dont know what you all see in me i just dont understand it!**

**JAKE: Cant you see i just want you to LEAVE ME ALONE?**

**JAKE: CHEESE AND STUPID CRACKERS I AM A MAN NOT A PIECE OF MEAT!**

**JAKE: Waaah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!**

**JAKE: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-**

**ARANEA: Wow, alright!**

She took two steps backwards.

**ARANEA: I'm sorry! **

**ARANEA: There! See? **

**ARANEA: I am respecting your personal 8oundaries. We don't have to kiss! **

**ARANEA: Good grief, that went poorly. **

**ARANEA: I only tried to kiss you 8ecause I knew you were attracted to me! **

**ARANEA: I thought I was doing you a FAVOR! **

**ARANEA: I don't know what I'm supposed to... **

**ARANEA: Sigh. **

**ARANEA: You really are a piece of work, Jake. Here I am, a literal mind reader, and I still can't figure you out. **

**ARANEA: 8ut you're right. **

**ARANEA: My advances were inappropri8te, and in the future I will try to 8e more respectful.**

She put her hand on his head, closing her eyes and concentrating on unlocking his potential as the Page of Hope.

**ARANEA: I'm still going to heal you though.**

**ARANEA: It is nothing personal. There is simply no altern8tive.**

**ARANEA: Your power is too important to my plan!**

White energy began to fill the cell as Jake's powers were suddenly realized.

**JADE:** **who took my ship? **

**JANE:** **I don't know.**

**JANE:** **When I arrived, it was already parked here.**

**JANE:** **Most illegally, I might add.**

**JADE:** **that is SO illegal **

**JADE:** **maybe we should call in some authority regulators to have it ticketed and towed **

**JANE:** **If you really wanted to relocate the vehicle, couldn't you just.**

**JANE:** **You know. Teleport it somewhere else?**

**JADE:** **yes **

**JADE:** **but i love watching those guys write their little tickets**

**JADE:** **theyre so cute **

**JANE:** **Indeed.**

**JANE:** **But observing adorable creatures issue citations will not address our problem.**

**JADE:** **do you think we should ask the condesce what to do? **

**JANE:** **I would rather not involve her in this matter.**

**JANE:** **We should be more than sufficiently equipped to handle it.**

**JADE:** **yes youre right **

**JADE:** **what would she think if we went whimpering to her every time some buffoon parked a battleship illegally **

**JANE:** **She would think we were a couple of silly children.**

**JADE:** **yeah **

**JADE:** **hmm **

**JANE:** **What?**

**JADE:** **maybe we should check on the prisoners again **

**JANE:** **That would be a logical course of action.**

**JADE:** **whoa **

**JANE:** **What?**

**JADE:** **something is happening…**

A growing rumble, coupled with a bright white light, filled the air as Derse began to shake with the power of Hope.

White tendrils of energy shot out of the prison, sending strange flying snake-like figures in all different directions.

In Roxy's cell, the pyramid collapsed and Roxy was lay in a rumbling pile of half-matriorbs and perfectly generic objects. She slid the ring on, turning invisible, and leaped out through the wall of her cell.

**ROXY: SHAZAM!**

One of the hope snakes created from Jake's energy blast whizzed past her.

**ROXY: eep**

Thankfully, it seemed not to notice her.

**ROXY: yeah i think ima stay invisible a while**

The force of the blast cracked the battleship in half as Jake rose from his cell, spewing what were clearly angels (the creatures that were on Eridan's planet, LOWAA, if you don't recall) in every direction.

**JAKE:**

**TALLY**

**HO**

On LOTAK, Davesprite, Erisolsprite, Arquisprite, Jaspersprite, and Nannasprite stared up at the blast of energy.

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - My god...**

**DAVESPRITE: what**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - The power…**

His glasses overheated from the sheer body heat he was producing, cracking them further and causing several of the pieces of glass to fall out.

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - It's...**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - It's over...**

**DAVESPRITE: over what**

**ARQUIUSPRITE: D - IT IS E%CEEDING A CERTAIN AMOUNT IN QUANTITY**


	281. Book 17 Chapter 4: The Power of Space

Chapter 4: The Power of Space

**JANE:** **JAKE. CEASE POWERING UP AT ONCE.**

**JANE:** **YOU'RE DESTROYING EMPIRE PROPERTY!**

**ARANEA: I don't think he can hear you right now.**

**ARANEA: The hope field is nigh impenetra8le!**

**JANE:** **Who are you? **

**ARANEA: Who. Me?**

**ARANEA: Oh...**

Aranea smiled smugly.

**ARANEA: Just some no8ody.**

Jane snapped her fingers.

**JANE:** **Harley.**

**JANE:** **You deal with Jake.**

**JANE:** **I will subdue the smug troll.**

**JADE:** **ok!**

Jane's Dad looked down on the scene that was transpiring with stern fatherly confusion.

**JADE:** **sorry jake you heard the lady **

**JADE:** **youre making a royal mess of the place **

**JADE:** **so im gonna have to zap you to the furthest ring! **

**JADE:** **what im saying is youve been very naughty and rambunctious so now you have to go outside**

**JAKE:**

**GAD**

**ZOOKS**

She put her hands into the shape of a rectangle to try to zap him away.

**JADE:** **what **

**JADE:** **what the... **

**JADE:** **why cant...**

**JADE:** **why cant i zap you away!**

**JAKE:**

**BOY**

**HOWDY**

**JADE:** **augh shut up! **

**JADE:** **your booming cornball exclamations are hurting my doggy ears! **

**JADE:** **come on jade **

**JADE:** **focus! **

**JADE:** **FOCUS damn you!**

She zoomed in on his crotch region.

**JADE:** **grrr! **

**JADE:** **its so hard to concentrate while i have to stare at his STUPID little shorts! **

**JADE:** **i didnt ask for this jake! **

**JADE:** **i never wanted to see my grandpa in a sexy pair of underpants!**

**JAKE:**

**HOLY**

**TOLEDO**

**JANE:** **What's the hold up?**

**JADE:** **my powers... **

**JADE:** **cant seem... **

**JADE:** **to penetrate... **

**JADE:** **THE HOPE FIELD! **

**JADE:** ***pant pant***

Jade growled, crackling with the energy of the Green Sun.

**JAKE:**

**LAND**

**SAKES**

**ALIVE**

**JADE:** **ALSO HE KEEPS DOING THAT! **

**JANE:** **So I have overheard.**

**JANE:** **Jake, your righteous ascension has been quite impressive.**

**JANE:** **But that is incredibly annoying.**

**JAKE:**

**HELLO**

**NURSE**

**JANE:** **Oh, for Pete's sake.**

Jane turned back to Aranea.

**ARANEA: Well?**

**ARANEA: I thought you said you were going to su8due me.**

**ARANEA: I'm w8ting, miss Crocker.**

**JANE:** **What game are you playing, troll?**

**JANE:** **State your designs on my future husband.**

**ARANEA: Don't worry. I am only 8orrowing him temporarily as an equalizing force.**

**ARANEA: And once he has finished equalizing, I will tear your empire apart. ::::)**

**JANE:** **You will do no such thing.**

**ARANEA: Then it would seem the next move is yours.**

**ARANEA: I trust your weapon is not just for show.**

**ARANEA: Or did Her Condescension see fit to equip her heiress with a training fork?**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **My calculations say that it is highly probable you are enticing me into a trap.**

**ARANEA: It's no trap, I assure you.**

**ARANEA: I simply cannot 8e killed.**

**ARANEA: You see, as long as a certain charm remains in my possession, I am immortal.**

**ARANEA: Even more immortal than usual!**

**JANE:** **More immortal than usual?**

**ARANEA: Yes.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **That's stupid.**

**JAKE:**

**BY**

**GUM**

**JANE:** **Good gravy.**

**JANE:** **Can't you shut him up?**

**ARANEA: Sadly, no.**

**JADE:** **alright jake **

**JADE:** **you win **

**JADE:** **if i cant zap you out of here then i have no choice but to let you stay **

**JADE:** **but i cant allow you to keep trashing the old ladys property **

**JADE:** **so ill just swap the planets instead!**

Jade swapped Derse, where they were, with LOFAF.

**JADE:** **dont you remember when we used to be pen pals jake? **

**JADE:** **how many times did i help you solve a tricky problem? **

**JADE:** **i am very very clever **

**JADE:** **whereas you... **

**JADE:** **lets face it **

**JADE:** **are not :p**

**JAKE:**

**AY CHI**

**HUA**

**HUA**

Karkat and Kanaya stared up at the scene which had just appeared above them in the sky. Something was most definitely wrong.

**KARKAT: DAVE**

**KARKAT: COME IN DAVE.**

**KARKAT: DO YOU FUCKING READ ME.**

**DAVE: go**

Dave put his ear closer to the plush rump device on his wrist. Karkat's voice came through as muffled and mostly untelligible.

**KARKAT: **_**(WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM HERE)**_

**DAVE: what?**

**KARKAT: **_**(I SAID WE MAY HAVE A PROBLEM HERE)**_

**DAVE: what was that**

**KARKAT: **_**(I SAID)**_

**KARKAT: **_**(GOD DAMMIT)**_

**KARKAT: **_**(ARE YOU TALKING INTO THAT LITTLE ASS AGAIN)**_

**DAVE: dude your words are all muffled**

**DAVE: can you speak up**

**KARKAT: **_**(I SAID WE MAY HAVE-)**_

**DAVE: louder**

**KARKAT: **_**(I SAID WE-)**_

**DAVE: louder man**

**DAVE: sound doesnt travel through foam too well**

**KARKAT: I SAID WE MAY HAVE A REALLY BIG FUCKING PROBLEM OVER HERE!**

**DAVE: im on my way**


	282. Book 17 Chapter 5: The Refrance

Chapter 5: The Refrance

Jane, Jade, and Aranea watched as Jake, floating just above the volcano on LOFAF in his bubble of white energy, yelled another loud phrase.

**JAKE:**

**BOBS**

**YOUR**

**UNCLE**

**JADE:** **oh my god**

**JADE:** **stop powering up already!**

**ARANEA: Don't listen to her, Jake!**

**ARANEA: Continue powering up for as long as you like. You're doing wonderfully!**

**JADE:** **GROWL!**

**JADE:** **you call that powering up? **

**JADE:** **hey i asked you a question gramps! **

**JADE:** **YOU CALL THAT POWERING UP?**

**JAKE:**

**JUMPIN**

**JEHOSA**

**PHAT**

**JADE:** **i will show you the true meaning of powering up **

**JADE:** **frankly your "hope field" is ridiculous and has nothing on the unlimited fury of THE GREEN SUN!**

She unleashed a sphere of green energy around herself, bright enough to match Jake's. The spheres collided in between them with a loud crackling sound.

**JADE:** **RRRR! **

**JADE:** **RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR! **

**JADE:** **RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**JADE:** **wait a minute…**

As their energy spheres grew, Jade was pushed downwards towards the water.

**JADE:** **why did i decide to swap derse with MY planet? **

**JADE:** **what was i even THINKING?!**

**JAKE:**

**SOCK**

**IT**

**TO**

**ME**

**JADE:** **no…**

The force of Jade's energy sphere had formed a crater by the volcano, evaporating all of the water nearby and raising the walls so that no more water could enter. Lava pouring down from the volcano began to fill the crater. Her sphere began to shrink in comparison to Jake's

**JADE:** **impossible!**

**JADE:** **how can the power of hope be so…**

**JAKE:**

**SHIVER**

**ME**

**TIMBERS**

**JADE:** _**POWERFUL?**_

Jake's energy sphere grew even huger, and Jade's began to dissipate altogether.

**JADE:** **rrrg **

**JADE:** **no **

**JADE:** **NO! **

**JADE:** **HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME?!**

**JADE:** **dont you realize who youre DEALING with? **

**JADE:** **i am GRIMBARK **_**JADE**_ **dammit! **

**JAKE:**

**WIN**

**JADE:** **I AM THE MOST POWERFUL DOGGY GIRL **

**JAKE:**

**ONE**

**JADE:** **WHO HAS EVER EXISTED**

**JAKE:**

**FOR**

**JADE:** _**IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE!**_

**JAKE:**

**THE**

**GIPPER**

Jade was knocked backwards, her power gone entirely.

**JADE:** **ooooof**

She skipped backwards across the lava, landing on the ground and skidding further backwards until finally coming to a stop in the dirt. She'd been ko'd.

**JANE:** **JAKE.**

**JANE:** **DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE TO OUR BIOLOGICAL DAUGHTER?**

**JANE:** **YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL. COME TO YOUR SENSES THIS INSTANT.**

**ARANEA: I know that you have a gr8 deal of fondness for your human family mem8er, even though you have 8een corrupted 8y an evil computer.**

**ARANEA: As such, it sincerely pains me to have to do this.**

**ARANEA: 8ut the moment she wakes up, she will simply 8ecome possessed again.**

**ARANEA: And then where would we 8e?**

**JANE:** **Wait.**

**JANE:** **Do what?**

Roxy floated nearby, invisible but still watching the proceedings. Aranea raised her hand.

**ARANEA: Again, I am very sorry.**

**ARANEA: 8ut it must 8e done.**

With the power of hundreds of dead Damaras backing her up, she broke Jade's tower at about the base, tipping it diagonally towards the crater filled with lava and Jade's unconscious body. The tower snapped again a little bit further up, and then again and again, until it formed multiple sections that toppled into the lava. One of the pieces of the tower that was further down smashed down on top of Jade with a KABOOM, leaving only her striped stockings and red shoes peeking out from under the white building (WIZORD OF OZ… "THIS IS WHAT THE REFRANCE")

The Witch of Space was dead.

Heroic… Just… Heroic… the clock stopped chiming suddenly, landing in the center. Which way was it going to… Aranea used the Damaras' power to push the clock to Just. **Lucky 8r8k!** Jade was permadead.


	283. Book 17 Chapter 6: The Power of Life

Chapter 6: The Power of Life

**DAVE: alright mayor**

**DAVE: ive got to go now**

**DAVE: not sure why but**

**DAVE: i have a really bad feeling about all this**

**DAVE: i mean**

**DAVE: i dont wanna scare you or come off as too dramatic or anything**

**DAVE: but**

**DAVE: if i never see you again i just wanted you to know**

**DAVE: its been real man**

**DAVE: you were always there for me**

**DAVE: you shared my darkest hours**

**DAVE: my deepest secrets**

**DAVE: and ill never fucking forget it**

**DAVE: goodbye mayor**

He smooched the Mayor's gleaming black carapace.

**DAVE: i love you**

He took off towards the gate to LOFAF.

**DAVE: rose come in rose do you read me over **

**ROSE: Yes?**

**DAVE: you might want to get your ass in gear **

**DAVE: shits going down on lofaf **

**ROSE: Could you elaborate?**

**DAVE: theres problems**

**ROSE: Then let us bounce.**

Jane clenched her trident tightly in her fist and turned back towards Aranea, eyes twitching with anger.

**JANE:** **First of all.**

**JANE:** _**You've got some nerve.**_

She flew down towards where Jade's dead body lay.

**JANE:** **I will return shortly to annihilate you. Stay put.**

**ARANEA: Take your time. I'm not going anywhere. ::::)**

Aranea swooped down to the top of Jade's house, or at least, down to the top of what was left of it. Roxy was standing on it, towards one edge, still invisible. Aranea's feet touched down and she closed her eyes.

**ARANEA: Roxy.**

**ARANEA: I know you are there. **

**ROXY: (frick!)**

In the meantime, Jane landed near where Jade's feet poked out from under the collapsed tower. She closed her eyes and prepared a lifey thing,

**JANE:** **(Mumble mumble hag mumble suck it grumble.)**

**JANE:** **(Mumble mutter my egregious patootie.)**

But a capricious interloper fell down towards where Jane was standing.

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **?**

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**ARANEA: You might as well come out of hiding so I can see you.**

**ARANEA: Ah yes. There you go!**

**ARANEA: Don't you look nice. I always did like the rogue outfit. And needless to say, I'm quite partial the void color scheme.**

**ROXY: im so fuckin flattered**

**ROXY: whore you**

**ARANEA: I 8EG your pardon?**

**ROXY: u heard me bitch**

**ARANEA: Oh.**

**ARANEA: "Who ARE you."**

**ARANEA: Yes. Ha ha.**

**ARANEA: Who am I, you ask? **

**ARANEA: That is no short story, I'm afraid. **

**ARANEA: It all 8egan on a peaceful, idyllic planet called 8eforus. **

**ARANEA: Unlike the Alternian trolls, with whom you are no dou8t more familiar, my people were- **

**ROXY: wowee shut ur dumb blue mouth**

**ROXY: i been spying on ya**

**ROXY: and eavesdropping on all your smug trash**

**ROXY: and i couldnt help but notice that ring youre wearing**

**ARANEA: Yes. **

**ARANEA: What a8out it? **

**ROXY: thats johns ring aint it**

**ARANEA: John's ring? **

**ARANEA: 8ut John never rightfully owned it. **

**ARANEA: In fact, it was originally intended as a gift to my young descendant. **

**ARANEA: It's only fitting that I wear it, and 8ring additional glory to the Serket name. **

**ROXY: yo**

**ROXY: thats another insane and smug thing u said just there**

**ROXY: do you even listen to urself**

**ROXY: for real though we were gonna give that ring to callie**

**ARANEA: Hmm? **

**ROXY: callie my goddamn bffsy from space**

**ROXY: shes a ghost and i wanna save her from her bro**

**ARANEA: Ah yes. The female cheru8. **

**ARANEA: I am perfectly familiar with her plight, as well as the relevance she purportedly has with respect to her 8rother's downfall. **

**ARANEA: In fact, I was one of the first ever to theorize a8out that! :::;) **

**ROXY: SMUG**

**ARANEA: 8ut the situ8tion has changed. That is all ancient history now. **

**ARANEA: I'm sorry, Roxy. 8ut I have no use for your cheru8 friend in my plans. **

**ARANEA: She will not 8e playing a role of any significance. **

**ROXY: oh man**

**ROXY: oh man**

**ROXY: i way hate you**

**ARANEA: Come on, now. Don't say things you can't take 8ack. **

**ARANEA: I'm actually very nice! **

**ARANEA: We are just getting off on the wrong foot here. **

**ROXY: no no**

**ROXY: no no no no**

**ROXY: oh man i rly hate you**

**ROXY: i cant even explain it i never hated somebody so much by just a few smarmy words outta their grody chew hole**

**ROXY: eugh yechh ick ick blarff!**

**ARANEA: ... **

**ROXY: so yeh um**

**ROXY: now that i buttered you up and all gimme dat ring!**

**ARANEA: No.**

A crackling ghostly form materialized behind Aranea, who was distracted in her conversation with Roxy.

**ARANEA: That was quite the 8lack solicit8tion though.**

**ARANEA: Unfortun8tely, I don't think I will 8e a8le to reciproc8 your feelings of hostility. I find you to 8e too charming.**

**ARANEA: Still, you do have a way with words. If we were compati8le in that quadrant, you might have swept me off my feet!**

**ROXY: bwuh?**

**ARANEA: 8esides, I don't have time for new relationships right now. Too many irons in the fire, as you can see.**

**ARANEA: It does get to 8e a little 8othersome having people fling themselves at you all the time. It's always 8een my curse.**

**ARANEA: Did you know just earlier today, your friend Jake could 8arely keep his hands off me? ;;;;)**

**ROXY: what**

**ROXY: no way**

**ROXY: ur a filthy liar**

**ARANEA: I've 8een known to em8ellish now and then.**

**ARANEA: Relax! I am just having some fun with you.**

**ROXY: ...**

**ROXY: wheeee**

**ARANEA: 8ut now the fun times are over.**

**ARANEA: I cannot have an invisi8le, intangi8le trou8lemaker tiptoeing around trying to sneak this ring off my finger.**

**ARANEA: So I'm afraid I will have to put you down.**

**ROXY: yeah right**

**ROXY: im a let you put me down over my dead body!**

**ARANEA: Don't 8e so dramatic.**

**ARANEA: Your 8ody will only 8e napping.**

She put Roxy to sleep, laying her gently down on the stone tiles on the floor of Jade's house they were on.

**ARANEA: Pleasant dreams.**

The ghostly figure, Brain Ghost Dirk, frowned.

In a long-forgotten corner of Paradox Space, Calliope sat at the center of a spiral, eyes closed. She was completely alone, and would always be.

**CALLIOPE: hUff.**

**CALLIOPE: this is it then, is it? **

**CALLIOPE: am i to spend the rest of eternity hiding inside this vortex? **

**CALLIOPE: how can i go in search of myself if i am blown to smithereens the moment i set foot oUtside? **

**CALLIOPE: maybe the trUth is... **

**CALLIOPE: sUch a fate woUld be preferable to this. **

**CALLIOPE: i am so dreadfUlly lonely. u_u**

**CALLIOPE: have they all forgotten aboUt me? **

**CALLIOPE: i gUess i coUld not blame them for getting on with their lives. **

**CALLIOPE: after all, what Use am i? **

**CALLIOPE: the only remotely important thing there is for me to do is to go looking for a more important version of myself. **

**CALLIOPE: and i can't even bloody well do that mUch! **

**CALLIOPE: i was a fool to expect anything more from my life. **

**CALLIOPE: my kind was never meant to have friends. **

**CALLIOPE: still. **

**CALLIOPE: i wish i had not been so hasty in tossing roxy and her sUnny mUm from my hideoUt. **

**CALLIOPE: even if they woUld have attracted attention... so what? **

**CALLIOPE: jUst a little longer. **

**CALLIOPE: a little longer woUld have been nice.**

Suddenly, an odd miniature stage with a green curtain covering the front of it appeared behind her. Calliope turned around.

**CALLIOPE: :u**

**CALLIOPE: what's this now?**

**CALLIOPE: that doesn't look like one of my memories.**

**CALLIOPE: is...**

**CALLIOPE: is someone here?**

She stood and peered apprehensively at the stage.

**CALLIOPE: hello?**

**CALLIOPE: ...**

**CALLIOPE: who's there?**

Suddenly, the normally white spiral began to glow bright yellow.

**CALLIOPE: what's happening?**

**CALLIOPE: oh dear.**

**CALLIOPE: oh dear, this can't be good!**

**CALLIOPE: i'd better hide. :U**

**CALLIOPE: shoot, are those footsteps? **

**CALLIOPE: oh shoot, oh shoot. **

**CALLIOPE: gotta hide, gotta hide!**

She climbed onto the stage, hiding behind the curtain.

**CALLIOPE: whoever is there...**

**CALLIOPE: don't come any closer!**

**CALLIOPE: (please don't, please don't.)**

**CALLIOPE: (i'm so scared and so miserable and so so lonely.)**

**CALLIOPE: i said don't come any closer!**

**CALLIOPE: i'm i powerfUl magician, i swear!**

**CALLIOPE: a magician who wants yoU to leave her alone!**

**CALLIOPE: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE GIRL BEHIND THE CURTAIN!**

A bark made her pause. It wasn't a growling, antagonistic bark like that of Jack Noir, but rather a friendly one. One that she'd only heard of in the stories she'd read in the ancient legends, but she was still able to recognize immediately.

**JADE: hi!**

**JADE: its ok i wont hurt you. im a friend! **

**JADE: you can come out now **

**JADE: youre safe i promise!**

Calliope peeked out from behind the curtain to see a cheery-looking young girl with large glasses and a smile on her face. Her arm was raised in greeting.

**CALLIOPE: jade?**

Gamzee landed on Jane with a thunk, wrapping his flailing limbs around the Maid's angry body.

**JANE:** **GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME YOU SHITFUCKING SHITFUCKER AUGH FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK FUCK.**

**GAMZEE: honk.**

**JANE:** **YOU SCURRILOUS FUCKSHITTING CAD. UNHAND ME SO I MAY RESURRECT MY ACCOMPLICE AT ONCE.**

**GAMZEE: honk honk.**

**JANE:** **WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME THIS TIME YOU DETESTABLE POO ROGERING CHARLATAN.**

**GAMZEE: honk. **

**JANE:** **I DO NOT WANT TO BUY ANYMORE OF YOUR POTIONS. I ALREADY BOUGHT ALL THE USELESS SLOP I COULD EVER WANT FROM YOU, AND MADE A **_**KILLING**_ **ON REDISTRIBUTION.**

**GAMZEE: HONK. **

**JANE:** **YOUR ENTREPRENEURIAL TACTICS LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED. YOU ARE A DEPLORABLE BUSINESSMAN AND AN EVEN SHITTIER CLOWN. GET OFF ME.**

**GAMZEE: ... **

**JANE:** **DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY BOOB. DON'T TOUCH MY BOOB YOU FUCKFACED DUNG HUFFING TOILET GUZZLING IDIOT QUIPSTER SHITPECKER DICKLARK.**

**GAMZEE: :o)**

Dave arrived through the gate. Jake was still floating in his sphere of Hope energy, not that anyone was paying him any mind anymore. Aranea was standing over Roxy's unconscious body. Brain Ghost Dirk was staring at Aranea unhappily. Gamzee and Jane flailed around near Jade's dead body.

Dave looked at the boy in a sphere of Hope.

**DAVE: uh**

**DAVE: what**

He turned around.

**DAVE: oh no**

He floated down to where Jade's body lay crushed under her own house.

**DAVE: ohhhhh noooooooooooooo**

**DAVE: shit shit shit shit shit**

He turned towards Gamzee, who was still clinging to Jane.

**DAVE: gamzee what happened here**

**DAVE: did you see what happened**

**DAVE: not gonna answer me huh**

**DAVE: youre just gonna keep manhandling johns evil mom and not tell me what jades doing under this house**

**DAVE: sweet jesus youre an awful dude**

Aranea turned around to see Brain Ghost Dirk's fakeness attribute drop so low that it shattered and he materialized before her.

**ARANEA: Where did you come from?**

**ARANEA: I did not sense your approach.**

**DIRK: You can't sense what ain't real.**

**ARANEA: 8n't real?**

**ARANEA: It seems to me that you are quite real, Dirk.**

**DIRK: That's because my buddy Jake just helped me become a whole hell of a lot less fake.**

**DIRK: You see,**

**DIRK: He believes in me.**

**ARANEA: Hmm.**

**ARANEA: Honestly, Dirk. The convers8tion we are having right now 8ears a striking resem8lance to a8solute nonsense.**

**ARANEA: I recall once your dream self appeared out of thin air, just as you have done now.**

**ARANEA: And I did you the favor of helping you on your way. Don't you remem8er?**

**ARANEA: There's no need to thank me. I'm quite 8enevolent 8y nature. I prefer to do the right thing, even in situations where I'm not likely to receive credit for my good deeds.**

**DIRK: Holy shit.**

**DIRK: Can you stop saying stuff?**

**ARANEA: No need to 8e so rude. I'm just curious.**

**ARANEA: As an ancient and learned scholar, I'm versed in a wide range of unusual phenomena. However I must say I am flummoxed 8y the nature of your 8eing.**

**ARANEA: What exactly **_**are**_ **you?**

Dirk lifted his sword and tilted his glasses downwards.

**DIRK: I am Brain Ghost Dirk.**

**DIRK: You kissed my boyfriend.**

**DIRK: Prepare to die.**

**JAKE:**

**SHUCKY**

**DARN**

**DIRK: Not helping, dude.**

A red shoe flew towards Gamzee, and Terezi landed with her cane sword out in its two parts, hitting Gamzee in the head and knocking him backwards.

**TEREZI: H11111Y4444!**

**GAMZEE: HONK.**

Gamzee landed on the piece of Jade's house jutting out of the lava behind him.

**DAVE: whoa yeah**

**DAVE: terezi with the dropkick ambush from the fuckin sky**

**DAVE: go terezi kick his ass**

**DAVE: still dont have the slightest clue whats going on here but i fully endorse this turn of events**

Terezi landed next to Gamzee on the white piece of concrete.

**DAVE: terezi do you know whats going on here**

**DAVE: do you know what happened to jade**

**DAVE: and where the hell is karkat**

**DAVE: is he ok**

**DAVE: terezi**

**DAVE: terezi**

**DAVE: ok she looks pretty serious about stabbing that clown**

**DAVE: i can respect that**

**DAVE: what about you**

**DAVE: hey**

**DAVE: hey johns hot mom did you see what happened**

**DAVE: shit i mean**

**DAVE: johns evil mom**

**DAVE: did you happen to...**

**DAVE: damn**

**DAVE: ok that was a really embarrassing and inappropriate freudian slip there**

**DAVE: dont think im gonna rebound from that one**

**DAVE: im uh**

**DAVE: im gonna stop talking now**

Terezi pointed one of her cane sword halves at Gamzee.

**TEREZI: D1D YOU R34LLY B3L13V3 YOU COULD RUN FROM M3 FOR3V3R, M4K4R4?**

**TEREZI: WH4T M4D3 YOU TH1NK YOU COULD COMM1T YOUR CR1M3S, TH4T YOU COULD D3C31V3 M3, **_**D3B4S3**_ **M3, M4K1NG M3 F33L L1K3 **_**R4NC1D C1RCUS TR4SH**_

**TEREZI: ONLY TO SL1NK 4W4Y L1K3 4 F1LTHY CH33S3 CR1TT3R, W1THOUT 3V3R H4V1NG TO P4Y TH3 P1P3R?**

**TEREZI: D1D YOU HON3STLY TH1NK YOU WOULD N3V3R F4C3 JUST1C3?**

**TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU H4V3 TO S4Y FOR YOURS3LF?**

**TEREZI: **_**4NSW3R M3!**_

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**TEREZI: JUST 4S 1 THOUGHT**

**TEREZI: 1S 1T TH3 R3SPONS3 OF 4 R3L1G1OUS Z34LOT, SWORN TO 4 M1SGU1D3D VOW OF S1L3NC3?**

**TEREZI: OR 1S 1T TH3 R3SPONS3**

**TEREZI: **_**OF 4 COW4RD!**_

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**TEREZI: HOW 1 D3T3ST YOUR HORR1D "F41TH"**

**TEREZI: HOW 1 LO4TH3 TH3 SOD4 ST1CKY GROUND YOU KN33L UPON WH1L3 YOU B3LCH YOUR VULG4R HYMNS OF M1RTH**

**TEREZI: HOW 1 R3V1L3 YOUR...**

**TEREZI: W41T**

**TEREZI: *sn1ff sn1ff***

Terezi's sense of smell made up for her lack of vision under the scarf.

**TEREZI: H3R…**

She snarled.

**TEREZI: 1TS H3R**

**TEREZI: SH3S H3R3!**

**TEREZI: WH4T 1S **_**SH3**_ **DO1NG H3R3?**

**TEREZI: 1T W4S SH3 WHO M4N1PUL4T3D M3 1NTO R3STOR1NG MY 3Y3S1GHT!**

**TEREZI: JUST 4S **_**YOOOUUUU**_ **W3R3 TH3 ON3 WHO 1NST1G4T3D MY SP1R4L OF S3LF LO4TH1NG TO B3G1N W1TH**

**TEREZI: 1 N3V3R WOULD H4V3 CONS1D3R3D H3R S1LV3RY TONGU3D OFF3R 1N 4 M1LL1ON SW33PS 1F YOU H4D NOT PO1SON3D M3 SO**

**TEREZI: OH Y3S**

**TEREZI: 1T 1S 4LL TOO CL34R TO M3**

**TEREZI: YOU 4ND SH3 4R3 1N C4HOOTS NOW, 4R3NT YOU**

**TEREZI: **_**4R3NT YOU!**_

**GAMZEE: :o)**

**TEREZI: 4DM1T 1T, M4K4R4**

**TEREZI: YOU H4V3 B3COM3 JUST 4NOTH3R LOWLY N1BBL3 V3RM1N SCURRY1NG 4FT3R TH3 S3DUCT1V3 TUN3 OF H3R FLUT3!**

**TEREZI: YOU 4R3 BOTH TH3 WORST K1ND OF SCUM TO M3. OPPOS1T3, 4ND Y3T 3QU1V4L3NT**

**TEREZI: 1T 1S L1K3 TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TORS H4NDBOOK S4YS**

**TEREZI: THOS3 WHO 4R3 CUT FROM TH3 S4M3 CLOTH**

**TEREZI: 4R3 F1T TO SW1NG FROM TH3 S4M3 ROP3!**

She kicked Gamzee in the face, knocking two of his teeth out.

**TEREZI: **_**JUST1C3 K1CK!**_


	284. Book 17 Chapter 7: The Power of Sleep

Chapter 7: The Power of Sleep

Brain Ghost Dirk sliced into Aranea's chest, before slicing towards her arm. Aranea moved her arm out of the way to avoid losing the ring. Dirk took the opportunity to stab her through the stomach and pull his sword back.

As Dirk watched, the wound healed itself and the blood vanished.

**ARANEA: Those were some nice moves.**

**ARANEA: I particularly enjoyed how you took a casual swing at my arm in the middle of that com8in8tion.**

**ARANEA: As if I am not perfectly aware that you understand the significance of this ring.**

**ARANEA: I know you must have overheard my convers8tion with Roxy.**

**ARANEA: Really, it is one of the gr8 disadvantages of having a reput8tion for offering detailed explan8tions.**

**ARANEA: When you inevita8ly start going on at length a8out your weaknesses, there are sure to 8e some eavesdroppers taking notes!**

She held up her hand and looked at the ring.

**ARANEA: 8ut I really don't mind that you know my secret.**

**ARANEA: What kind of sport would I 8e if I didn't give you a fair shot at defeating me?**

**ARANEA: In fact, to show you what a generous and honora8le opponent I am, I will give you one free chance at disarming me.**

**ARANEA: I won't move an inch. I promise! Surely with your speed and swordsmanship, it will 8e a piece of cake.**

**ARANEA: Well?**

**ARANEA: Go on, Dirk. Have at it.**

**DIRK: …**

Terezi stabbed Gamzee through the stomach. He continued to grin.

**TEREZI: Y4!**

**TEREZI: F1GHT M3 YOU GUTL3SS POLTROON!**

She jumped at him again.

**TEREZI: 1 S41D F1GHT B4CK!**

**TEREZI: WH4T, **_**NOW**_ **OF 4LL T1M3S YOU C4NT BR1NG YOURS3LF TO R41S3 4 H4ND TO M3?**

**TEREZI: 4LL YOU C4N DO 1S GR1N L1K3 4N 1MB3C1L3?**

**TEREZI: UGH, STOP SM1L1NG!**

She stabbed him in the chest over and over again, blood splattering everywhere.

**TEREZI: 1 S41D W1P3 TH4T GR1N OFF YOUR F4C3**

**TEREZI: OR 1 W1LL P33L 1T OFF YOUR SKULL!**

**TEREZI: T4K3 TH4T! 4ND TH4T!**

**TEREZI: OH Y3S, CLOWN. YOUR R3CKON1NG 1S 4T H4ND**

Drops of blood landed on the Pyralspite plush sitting nearby.

**TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU TH1NK YOUR3 LOOK1NG 4T?**

**TEREZI: DR34M ON, M1R4CL3 BOY**

**TEREZI: CH13F D3PUTY PYR4LSP1T3 C4N DO NOTH1NG FOR YOU NOW!**

**TEREZI: NO ON3 C4N S4V3 YOU FROM YOUR JUDGM3NT!**

Jane squinted at them boredly.

**JANE:** **Observing this tomfoolery for several minutes has been time well spent. I have no regrets whatsoever.**

**JANE:** **On that authentic note, I shall resume my effort to resurrect my omnipotent daughter, and regain the tactical advantage.**

**JANE:** **As a being of cold, flawless reason and logic, I have no cause to anticipate further impediments to this simple objective.**

She turned back around and readied her Life powers, but… Jack and PM had arrived. Jack had pulled Jade's body out from under the collapsed building. Dave was pointing his sword at them.

**JANE:** **Son of a dick.**

**DAVE: i said put her down!**

**DAVE: bad anthropomorphic dogs!**

**DAVE: youre so bad!**

**DAVE: oh my god**

**DAVE: you are literally being the worst pair of anthro dogs i ever saw**

**DAVE: drop that goddamn girl i mean it**

**DAVE: dont you woof at me**

**DAVE: bad!**

**DAVE: BAD!**

**DAVE: you dont think im serious?**

**DAVE: im serious as a drive to the fuckin vet**

**DAVE: im not joking you dumb mutts i mean business here**

**DAVE: see ive got a sword too!**

**DAVE: its sharp**

**DAVE: and its awesome**

**DAVE: and...**

**DAVE: its fucking welsh!**

**DAVE: ok listen **

**DAVE: jack and uh **

**DAVE: taller white jack **

**DAVE: clearly you are very loyal to jades corpse or whatever **

**DAVE: but you arent gonna help her by swiping the torso and growling at me like a pair of mangy assholes **

**DAVE: please **

**DAVE: just put her down **

**DAVE: look i got treats! **

**DAVE: i have snausages **

**DAVE: ok i dont have snausages **

**DAVE: i can get snausages!**

Jade and Calliope sat side by side, backs up against the stage.

**CALLIOPE: do yoU remember anything yet?**

**JADE: ummm**

**JADE: not really :\**

**CALLIOPE: that's a pity.**

**CALLIOPE: i was hoping yoU might be able to tell me what my friends are Up to.**

**JADE: i wish i could tell you**

**JADE: but im still drawing a blank on everything!**

**JADE: i dont even remember what i was doing when i fell asleep**

**JADE: or even**

**JADE: IF im sleeping**

**JADE: er...**

**JADE: how are you supposed to tell if youre a ghost or not?**

**CALLIOPE: ghosts have spooky blank eyes like me. **

**CALLIOPE: bUt only after they remember they died. **

**CALLIOPE: so Until yoU recall what happened, i am afraid neither of Us will know. **

**JADE: darn**

**CALLIOPE: there is one way to be sUre, i sUppose. **

**JADE: what?**

**CALLIOPE: i coUld Use some of my potent anti-sleeping majyyks on yoU to see if yoU wake Up. **

**JADE: anti sleeping magics?**

**JADE: i mean majyyks?**

**CALLIOPE: yes. **

**CALLIOPE: bUt i mUst admit i am relUctant to do so, for selfish reasons. u_u **

**JADE: what reasons?**

**CALLIOPE: if yoU wake Up, yoU will disappear. **

**CALLIOPE: and i will be alone again. **

**JADE: aw**

**JADE: thats ok im in no hurry to go yet**

**JADE: or for that matter, to remember why im here**

**CALLIOPE: no? **

**JADE: i cant put my finger on it**

**JADE: but i have this awful feeling something bad happened**

**JADE: specifically something that happened because of me**

**CALLIOPE: really? **

**JADE: yeah :(**

**JADE: im worried i may have done some things i wouldnt be proud of**

**JADE: that maybe i could have even...**

**JADE: hurt some people**

**CALLIOPE: that is hard to believe. **

**JADE: i hope its just my imagination**

**JADE: in any case i feel like i could use some rest**

**JADE: and you seem very nice**

**JADE: so id rather relax here with you for a while than jump right back into...**

**JADE: whatever craziness is waiting for me out there**

**CALLIOPE: ^u^ **

**JADE: by the way, i didnt catch your name...**

**CALLIOPE: i did not say it. **

**CALLIOPE: Using my fUll name coUld bring Us Unwanted attention.**

**CALLIOPE: instead yoU coUld refer to me by the name of my trollsona. **

**JADE: your trollsona?**

**CALLIOPE: yes. **

**CALLIOPE: it's callie. **

**CALLIOPE: pleased to meet yoU. :u **

**JADE: nice to meet you too callie :)**

**JADE: but**

**JADE: what is a trollsona?**

**CALLIOPE: it is the profile of a fictional troll which i enjoy pretending to be. **

**CALLIOPE: see? **

**CALLIOPE: do yoU like her? **

**JADE: oh**

**JADE: OH!**

**JADE: i get it... you are not really a troll?**

**CALLIOPE: nope. **

**JADE: omg she is so cute**

**JADE: or i should say**

**JADE: YOU are so cute!**

**CALLIOPE: :U **

**JADE: what a good idea**

**JADE: do you think i could make a trollsona too?**

**CALLIOPE: oh, yes! **

**CALLIOPE: that woUld be so lovely. **

**CALLIOPE: can i help? **

**JADE: sure!**

**CALLIOPE: which blood coloUr woUld yoU choose? **

**JADE: the BEST color obviously**

**JADE: which is green, DUH :p**

**CALLIOPE: that's the coloUr of my blood too! **

**JADE: wow really?**

**JADE: thats perfect**

**JADE: our trollsonas can be like**

**JADE: blood sisters or such**

**JADE: i dont know enough about troll culture to use proper terminology...**

**JADE: but lets just say thats what we are**

**CALLIOPE: agreed. **

**CALLIOPE: blood sisters it is! **

**JADE: what should my horns look like?**

**JADE: oh and for that matter**

**JADE: should i have horns instead of my dog ears, or in addition to them?**

**CALLIOPE: definitely in addition! **

**CALLIOPE: yoUr pointy ears are splendid. **

**JADE: ok**

**JADE: hmm where would they go though...**

**JADE: jeez i think we might need to do some drawings to make her look right**

**CALLIOPE: oh yes, let's!**

Jade jumped up onto the stage, but paused and turned back to Calliope.

**JADE: callie...**

**JADE: there is something very familiar about you**

**JADE: are you sure weve never met before?**

**CALLIOPE: i'm qUite sUre.**

**CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly have remembered meeting yoU.**

**JADE: but you did know my name...**

**CALLIOPE: well, yes.**

**CALLIOPE: i knew OF yoU.**

**JADE: hmmm**

**JADE: i cant shake the feeling that we have spoken before**

**JADE: maybe in an old dream i cant remember?**

**JADE: im not sure if its the sound of your voice or what**

**JADE: i dont recognize your face, but then thats not what you really look like is it?**

**CALLIOPE: no.**

**JADE: ...**

**CALLIOPE: before yoU ask, my actUal appearance is mUch less appealing, at least in my own view.**

**CALLIOPE: i woUld rather yoU didn't see it, if that's alright.**

**JADE: thats fine!**

**JADE: its not a big deal**

**JADE: if its true that weve met before, im sure ill remember in due time**

**JADE: lets not worry about it for now**

**CALLIOPE: okay.**

**JADE: by the way**

**JADE: what is with this stage?**

**JADE: is it from one of your memories?**

**CALLIOPE: no.**

**CALLIOPE: i thoUght it was yoUr memory?**

**JADE: i dont think so**

**JADE: it would seem to be some sort of imaginary figment that turned into a real object**

**JADE: i wonder why it looks like a drawing?**

**CALLIOPE: shrUg.**

**JADE: hey why dont you come up here and help me get these curtains open**

**JADE: since its the only thing weve got in this boring vortex we might as well try to have a little fun!**

**CALLIOPE: yeah!**


	285. Book 17 Chapter 8: The Power of Heart

Chapter 8: The Power of Heart

Jane shot a blast of Life magic at Jade, but Bec Noir leaped off the ground to avoid the bolt. Dave and PM spun their heads to face Jane.

**JANE:** **NO, YOU IDIOT!**

PM growled and crackled with the energy of the Green Sun.

**JANE:** **Oh, you idiots.**

**JANE:** **You stupid, stupid dogs.**

**JANE:** **I AM TRYING TO REVIVE HER!**

PM jumped at Jane with her sword extended.

**JANE:** **Fine.**

**JANE:** **If that is how you are going to be…**

She reached into her pocket and procured a small robotic mouse toy with the Betty Crocker logo on it.

**JANE:** **You leave me with no alternative.**

She tossed the toy onto the ground and GCat appeared, pouncing on it. PM stopped short of Jane and landed on her feet, turning to look at the cat playing with the toy. Bec Noir seemed transfixed as well. Dave gripped his sword tighter.

PM and the archagent looked at each other, before growling and chasing after the first guardian, barking loudly. GCat leaped into the lava and ran across it in lithe bounds. PM and Noir floated above, Bec still holding Jade's body.

Jane yelled at them from back on the shore of the lava crater.

**JANE:** **No, come back!**

**JANE:** **You were supposed to drop her first.**

**JANE:** **MY CALCULATIONS SAID YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DROP HER FIRST!**

**DAVE: hey**

**DAVE: johns hot mom**

**DAVE: did you just say you can revive jade**

**JANE:** **Yes.**

**DAVE: thats all i need to know**

**DAVE: wait here**

**DAVE: and whatever you do**

**DAVE: dont die ok**

Dave flew off after the dogs and GCat.

**JANE:** **.**

**JANE:** **Hot mom?**

She put her hands to her blushing cheeks.

Dirk and Aranea faced off by a sleeping Roxy on top of the stub of Jane's house. Jake was still ensconced in his Hope circle. Jane stood blushing by the scene of Jade's dead; GCat ran into the forest followed by PM, Bec Noir holding Jade, and Dave. Terezi continued to stab Gamzee. In the midst of all of this chaos on the surface of LOFAF, Rose appeared from the gate.

**ROSE: DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**

She paused, her attention directed elsewhere. She had noticed Roxy.

Kanaya ran through the forest, which had caught on green fire in the wake of Jade's energy sphere, in the direction of the volcano.

**KARKAT: KANAYA WAIT UP!**

**KARKAT: YOU KNOW I CAN'T COMPETE WITH YOUR DRINKER FASTNESS.**

**KANAYA: My What**

**KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT.**

**KARKAT: WE'RE MISSING EVERYTHING!**

**KARKAT: HOW MUCH BULLSHIT IS IT THAT WE'RE PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY TWO ASSHOLES LEFT WHO CAN'T FLY?!**

**KANAYA: It Really Is Such Bullshit**

Suddenly, a cat skittered by, followed by two flying dogs and Dave.

**KARKAT: DAVE?**

**KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK**

**DAVE: cant talk chasing dogs**

Aranea closed her eyes and smiled smugly.

**ARANEA: Dirk, how long did you want our standoff to last?**

**ARANEA: Don't get me wrong. I am flattered you seem to enjoy my company so much.**

**ARANEA: 8ut you are missing a golden opportunity to sever my arm while I'm preoccupied with overconfident 8lather.**

**ARANEA: Really, you would 8e doing me a favor 8y taking my arm.**

**ARANEA: It would 8ring me that much closer to following in the footsteps of my true self. **

**ARANEA: She was a very successful pir8, you know. She lost her arm in 8attle to a cunning adversary she underestim8ted, much like yourself. **

**ARANEA: Won't you help me 8ecome who I was always meant to 8e? **

**DIRK: Ugh.**

**DIRK: Shut up.**

He dropped his sword. It hit the ground with a CLANK.

**DIRK: I'm not going to cut off your arm.**

**DIRK: It's such an obvious trap.**

**DIRK: You'll just put me to sleep or something. With your psychic powers, or maybe a long story.**

**DIRK: I have a better idea.**

**ARANEA: Oh?**

He held his palms out in front of him and clenched his teeth, summoning his Heart powers.

**DIRK: If I can't get the ring off your finger,**

**DIRK: I'll rip the soul out of your body.**

He sent a stream of crackling Heart energy at Aranea, lifting her into the air and sucking her soul out of her. A ghostly double of herself seemed to drift apart from her, in some indeterminable direction. Both versions of herself screamed in pain.

**ARANEA:**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAA**

**AAAAAAAH**

Aradia sat atop the roof the Meenah's palace, watching a conversation between Meenah and Vriska take place below.

**VRISKA: To 8e honest, I don't even want to hear any more.**

**VRISKA: Next time you have an upd8 on what my ancestor has 8een up to, please just keep it to yourself.**

Vriska was sitting cross-legged on the ground, head in her hands. Meenah sat on the red juju chest behind her, braiding Vriska's hair.

**MEENAH: you sure**

**VRISKA: It's em8arrassing!**

**VRISKA: I cringe every time I think a8out her self-indulgent exploits.**

**MEENAH: mhm**

**VRISKA: Doesn't she realize this sort of thing never works?**

**VRISKA: You don't just go and insert yourself into the middle of all the action in the most hamfisted way possi8le just 8ecause you can't stand another second 8eing out of the spotlight.**

**VRISKA: That always goes horri8ly for everyone.**

**VRISKA: Even worse, it ends up making you look like an idiot.**

**VRISKA: And even MORE worse, it's making ME look like an idiot 8y associ8tion!**

**VRISKA: Why couldn't she have thought this through a little more?**

**VRISKA: Why couldn't she have at least TOLD us first?**

**MEENAH: shruggin ma shoulders yo**

**VRISKA: How is it that I understand this and she doesn't?**

**VRISKA: She's HOW much older than me?**

**VRISKA: Like a 8ajillion dream 8u88le sweeps or something?**

**VRISKA: All that experience and wisdom, and she's out there floundering around like fucking noo8.**

**MEENAH: (floundering)**

**VRISKA: It's so disheartening. She wants to 8e like Marquise so much, just like I used to.**

**VRISKA: 8ut she is NOTHING like her!**

**VRISKA: You kind of need to have a fuck ton of experience doing, you know... a lot of ruthless pir8tey shit 8efore you can pull that off?**

**VRISKA: You can't just 8e a 8ookish dwee8 all your life, then suddenly decide to flip the 8adass switch and expect people to take you seriously.**

**VRISKA: Also, to truly pull that off, it MIGHT help to actually 8e a goddamned adult.**

**VRISKA: I know, I must 8e totally off my swaychair for suggesting it. 8ut may8e, just MAY8E, there are certain roles and 8ehaviors which are 8est left to fully developed, grown ass people!**

**VRISKA: Not to sound like a wet 8lanket, 8ut my ancestor's journal contained some EXTREMELY mature content!**

**VRISKA: So now we have yet another stupid kid trying to fill the 8oots of a legendary pir8 queen, and it's amateur hour all over again.**

**VRISKA: All I can see in her is me when I used to...**

**VRISKA: And it makes me want to...**

**VRISKA: UGHHHHHHHH!**

**MEENAH: stop movin around all angry**

**MEENAH: you fuckin me up here**

**VRISKA: Sorry.**

**VRISKA: I'm just dismayed 8y some of the implic8tions of her actions.**

**VRISKA: Is this really how I came off when I used to pull this sort of shit?**

**MEENAH: dunno wasnt there**

**VRISKA: I have a sickening feeling it was just like this.**

**VRISKA: No wonder no8ody could stand me.**

**VRISKA: And here I am, 8itching at my ancestor like I know 8etter, like I've evolved 8eyond all that.**

**VRISKA: 8ut...**

**VRISKA: Have I really?**

**VRISKA: Do I go around thinking I'm smarter than I used to 8e, 8ut end up repeating all the same old patterns without even realizing it?**

**VRISKA: Was the plan to find this treasure and 8uild an army just a rest8tement of my immature, egomaniacal 8ullshit disguised as a more "strategically sensi8le" plan?**

**VRISKA: If I can apparently keep kidding myself a8out this crap forever, then how would I know the difference?**

**VRISKA: I guess the thing I h8 most a8out her stunt isn't that it's a dum8 plan, or that we weren't included.**

**VRISKA: It's that it's making me wonder if I can trust any of my own judgments, even after all this time.**

**MEENAH: thats some baller inward reflection serk**

**VRISKA: I don't know a8out that.**

**VRISKA: If it's so 8aller, why is it making me feel like shit?**

**MEENAH: thats what its supposed to do i think**

**MEENAH: but like**

**MEENAH: tempurarily?**

**VRISKA: I guess.**

**VRISKA: What a8out you?**

**VRISKA: Does any of this reson8 at all?**

**VRISKA: I know you used to stir up shit with your friends.**

**VRISKA: You must have done some outrageous things which you thought were necessary for the good of the team. When you look 8ack, do you ever wonder what you were thinking? Or if you ever truly evolved?**

**MEENAH: na**

**VRISKA: Oh, come on.**

**VRISKA: Don't leave me hanging in self dou8t lim8o here.**

**VRISKA: Gimme SOMETHING, Peixes.**

**MEENAH: haha**

**MEENAH: i dont know maybe?**

**MEENAH: sea my thing is**

**MEENAH: i dont verbally torture my cray schemes like all the serket girls**

**MEENAH: and that works ok for me**

**MEENAH: guess i made some mistakes but who really gives a flip**

**VRISKA: You don't care if you make mistakes?**

**MEENAH: not like you and she do**

**MEENAH: araneas deal is**

**MEENAH: what shes doin now isnt much different from how she always did stuff**

**MEENAH: the stuff she does is never about the things shes actually doing**

**MEENAH: its about what those things M-EAN and makin sure everyone KNOWS what they mean**

**MEENAH: and above all makin sure everyone understands how important she is cause shes obviously the source of all that critical M-EANING without which all action would be pointless right?**

**MEENAH: but thats not how i rolled**

**MEENAH: i just**

**MEENAH: did shit**

**MEENAH: and the shit i did**

**MEENAH: meant only the things the shit accomplished**

**MEENAH: and if that shit accomplished a dumb thing that sucked**

**MEENAH: then i guess thats what you call a mistake and oh fuckin well**

**MEENAH: mistakes aint make me feel too bad since i dont really connect results with my shelf worth**

**MEENAH: ya feel me**

**VRISKA: YES.**

**VRISKA: That is so right on.**

**VRISKA: If you asked me a long time ago, I'm sure I would have insisted that's exactly how I felt a8out everything I did too.**

**VRISKA: 8ut I don't know if that's true anymore.**

**VRISKA: In fact, I'm sure that WASN'T true.**

**VRISKA: I was always invested as hell in the consequences of everything I did, and how it made me look.**

**VRISKA: And how it made me feel a8out myself especially.**

**MEENAH: ok i will admit**

**MEENAH: i always felt hella bad about decisions leavin me with less gold**

**MEENAH: glub damn**

**MEENAH: feel a tide a shame wash over me just thinkin about going broke**

**VRISKA: Well of course.**

**VRISKA: Who the fuck wants to 8e poor?**

**VRISKA: That's for losers.**

**MEENAH: word**

**VRISKA: Anyway, I have no idea what to do now.**

**VRISKA: Her ill-advised power play has ruined everything.**

**MEENAH: well **

**MEENAH: we still have this treasure here **

**MEENAH: why dont we just do the shit without her **

**MEENAH: you could whip up another ghost army **

**MEENAH: march it strait to english and start beatin him down **

**VRISKA: I don't think so.**

**MEENAH: why not **

**VRISKA: If you want to know the truth...**

**VRISKA: When we were manipul8ting all those ghosts, Aranea was doing most of the work.**

**VRISKA: Her a8ilities are a lot more advanced than mine. I guess 8ecause she's 8een around for so long?**

**VRISKA: I was kind of riding her coattails, making it seem like it was a true colla8oration 8etween us.**

**VRISKA: It was actually very nice of her to allow people to get that impression. She didn't have to.**

**VRISKA: I should have just told every8ody that. I guess I wanted to 8elieve it too. Like we were equal partners in crime. Ancestor and descendant united at last, and working gr8 together.**

**VRISKA: I hope you don't think that makes me a huge phony.**

**MEENAH: why would i give a fish about that **

**VRISKA: Yeah.**

**VRISKA: You're right, you wouldn't.**

**VRISKA: I shouldn't 8e saying needy shit like that.**

**VRISKA: I'm just a 8it depressed, 8ecause it feels like I'm running out of friends all over again.**

**MEENAH: i hear you **

**MEENAH: she ditched me too **

**MEENAH: cant blame her i guess **

**MEENAH: what can i say girl loves her piratesona **

**MEENAH: she wanna be dat pirate chick so bad **

**MEENAH: who am i to fault ambition **

**MEENAH: she cast her lure into the lake of cute but dumbass dreams **

**MEENAH: i think her mindfang ideal is ridic to be lochness with you **

**MEENAH: that journal man **

**MEENAH: tales from the pirate who wont shut up **

**MEENAH: but then **

**MEENAH: im not one to talk about hero worship **

**MEENAH: i think my adult self happens to be the best best greatest most perfect beautiful woman -EV-ER an if you axed me if i wanted a crack at her job id be like glub yes put me down for T)(AT **

**MEENAH: so i legit hope it works out for her **

**MEENAH: but yeah **

**MEENAH: that dont mean i didnt get ditched **

**MEENAH: and that just **

**MEENAH: 38( **

**MEENAH: makes me reel sad **

**VRISKA: Same.**

**MEENAH: you sure we cant salvage the plan without her **

**VRISKA: I don't know.**

**VRISKA: Possi8ly?**

**VRISKA: The way I was picturing it, a major feature of the original three pronged approach was to use the army to lead a first wave assault against him.**

**VRISKA: Then while he was preoccupied 8y all those ghosts swamping him, I would go in for the kill with the secret weapon.**

**VRISKA: So without an army, I guess we'd need to get close enough to him to use it 8efore he killed us.**

**MEENAH: like uh **

**MEENAH: sneak up on him? **

**VRISKA: I guess.**

**VRISKA: 8ut I get the feeling Lord English is not the kind of guy you can just sneak up on.**

**MEENAH: kay what if **

**MEENAH: i found some way to teleport over to him **

**MEENAH: and i beat the shit out of him with my wrestling moves **

**MEENAH: then you bust out the weapon **

**VRISKA: Hahahaha.**

**VRISKA: That would 8e awesome, if somewhat implausi8le.**

**VRISKA: I guess we can think it over.**

**VRISKA: 8ut if we're getting real here, this has all made me feel pretty lukewarm on the plan.**

**VRISKA: Aranea checking the fuck out. And me recoiling at her hu8ris, which is o8viously just...**

**VRISKA: My OWN 8ullshit, getting thrown 8ack in my face?**

**VRISKA: It's a 8it much.**

**VRISKA: You have to 8e a8le to trust your own judgment to make good plans, right?**

**VRISKA: I don't know if I do anymore.**

**VRISKA: I certainly don't right now.**

**VRISKA: Remem8er when our crew started re8elling against me in that cave, and I was kind of lashing out?**

**VRISKA: I think I might have 8een forcing it a little?**

**VRISKA: Like that whole dramatic speech I gave when I jumped into the flaming pit.**

**VRISKA: Was that really a genuine thing, or like, a desper8te last attempt to 8e who I think I should 8e?**

**MEENAH: that was badass though **

**MEENAH: i mean yeah you were chewin the scenery an being hammy as fuck but i thought it was cool and kinda funny **

**VRISKA: It wasn't supposed to 8e funny though!**

**MEENAH: oh **

**VRISKA: Ah man.**

**VRISKA: I really don't know what to do.**

**VRISKA: I'm too depressed to think proactively a8out any of this.**

**VRISKA: May8e the truth is I don't even care all that much if anyone stops Lord English.**

**VRISKA: I think all I really cared a8out was getting to do it myself.**

**MEENAH: thats a good enough reason if you ask me **

**MEENAH: but hey if you aint feelin it you aint feelin it **

**VRISKA: What if we just...**

**VRISKA: Gave up on the mission?**

**MEENAH: gave up **

**VRISKA: Yeah.**

**VRISKA: What do you think.**

**MEENAH: um **

**MEENAH: sure **

**VRISKA: Sure?**

**VRISKA: You don't think that would 8e a wussy move?**

**MEENAH: well yeah **

**MEENAH: it would be **

**MEENAH: if a couple of cowards did it **

**MEENAH: but that aint us **

**MEENAH: so we cool to do whatev **

**VRISKA: That's a very good point.**

**MEENAH: nofin wrong with stickin a fork in a shit idea that just makes you miserable **

**MEENAH: hell the best choice i ever made involved givin up **

**MEENAH: one day i said **

**MEENAH: fuck da throne **

**MEENAH: ran off to the moon **

**MEENAH: thats how this whole crazy mess kicked off **

**MEENAH: and if i didnt do that **

**MEENAH: i wouldnt of met you 38) **

**VRISKA: **

**VRISKA: ::::)**


	286. EOA6A6I2: Everything Goes to Hell

Chapter 9: Everything Goes to Hell

As Aranea's soul was ripped from her body, her hold on Jake's power began to fade, and as a direct consequence, so did his sphere of power. Dirk's fakeness attribute began to rise again.

**DIRK: JAKE, YOUR HOPE FIELD IS DISSIPATING!**

**DIRK: COME ON MAN, YOU DON'T NEED TO RELY ON HER TO KEEP BELIEVING!**

**DIRK: TRY AND HOLD YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR JUST A LITTLE LONGER!**

**JAKE:**

**FIDDLE**

**FADDLE**

**DIRK: GOD **_**DAMN**_ **IT, JAKE!**

Rose landed next to where Roxy lay.

**ROSE: Mr. Strider?**

**DIRK: ...**

**ROSE: What are you doing to this troll, if I might ask?**

**DIRK: GET HER THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!**

Rose looked down at Roxy.

**ROSE: Gotcha.**

She picked Roxy up and flew off with her.

Tears streamed down Terezi's face from under her blindfold and she slashed back and forth through Gamzee's body.

**TEREZI: WHY WONT YOU F1GHT B4CK?!**

The hope field began to dissipate and Dirk's fakeness attribute rose higher.

**TEREZI: WHY WONT YOU S4Y SOM3TH1NG?!**

Rose flew over to the piece of Jade's tower that had killed her earlier, landing on top of it and setting Roxy down gently. Then she stood and looked over the edge, seeing Jane standing just below her.

Aranea's soul was almost completely out of her body, but so was Jake's sphere of energy almost gone. Dirk was barely hanging on to existence.

**TEREZI: WHY WONT YOU **_**D13?!**_

Jane looked up at where Jake was floating, a small amount of Hope still emanating from his body.

**JANE:** **Forgive me, Jake.**

She threw her trident with the model of Skaia on the end at him. It stabbed him straight in the chest.

**JAKE:**

**OH MY**

**STARS**

**AND**

**GA**

**R**

**T**

**E**

**R**

**S**

Jake plummeted to the crater lake of lava below, landing with a thud on one of the pieces of Jade's tower, right next to where Terezi was still stabbing Gamzee. He was dead. Terezi was knocked off balance from the force of the impact. Dirk disappeared. Aranea's soul snapped back into her body and she fell backwards hard, a scream still frozen on her face.

Aranea's mind control effect suddenly stopped and Gamzee became aware of himself again. Aranea sat up, rubbing her head.

**ARANEA: Good GRIEF, that was painful.**

A red form flew towards her. It was Jane. Aranea screamed.

Terezi got to her feet again, and with a yell, stabbed Gamzee again. Gamzee whimpered quietly and Terezi paused for a moment.

**GAMZEE: TeReZi...**

**GAMZEE: wHoA.**

**GAMZEE: PlEaSe StOp.**

**GAMZEE: YoU'rE mOtHeRfUcKiN...**

**GAMZEE: hUrTiNg Me. :o(**

Terezi's arms dropped to her sides.

**TEREZI: OH…**

Her cane swords dropped out of her hands.

**TEREZI: OH GOD**

**TEREZI: WH4T H4V3 1 DON3**

Aranea held her hands out, instinctively using her mind control powers to make Jane fall asleep. She landed on her feet, and, still standing, closed her eyes, tilted her head back, and began to snore loudly. Aranea raised an eyebrow.

**JANE:** **zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

Terezi put her hands up and backed away, the streams of tears flowing further down her cheeks.

**TEREZI: 1...**

**TEREZI: 1M SORRY!**

Gamzee stared at her blankly for a second. And then his eyes grew wide and blood red and he let out a loud, gargled, bloody **HONK**.

**TEREZI: !**

**JANE:** **zzt.**

Jane's arms moved out in front of her.

**JANE:** **bzz.**

Her leg rose up into the air and took a step forward. She continued to snore. Aranea stared at the robotic girl, horrified. What was The Condesce doing?

**JANE:** **ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ**

The sleeping Jane tackled Aranea, one hand closing around the troll's mouth. Aranea's wire-rimmed glasses flew off of her face.

Gamzee punched Terezi hard in the face, knocking out one of her teeth.

Aranea ran around, trying to throw Jane off of her, but it didn't seem that the heiress's vicelike grip would relent. Jane tugged on a corner of Aranea's mouth.

Gamzee punched Terezi in the gut and then g̅r̘a̯b͔bͩe͌d̔ h͢e͖r̚ b̝y̟ t̫h̥e̽ h͍o̻r̉n̳s̲ a᷈n̥d͞ k̽nͣe̻e̩d̗ h᷈e͠ṟ i̺n᷊ tͩh̫eͪ f̊a̺če͖.̩

J᷈a͜n᷊e͞ p̓u̞ņc͜h̅eͬdͬ A̤r͎a͑n̋e̓ȃ i͆n̬ ṱh͉e̥ e̐y̧e̳ r͟e͕p͇e̎a͝ẗeͪd͆l̫y͟. T̬h̳e̦ tͦr̤o͡l̞l͍ l̻o͐o̤ḳe͛ḍ aͬrͪoͦu͙n̊d̓ f᷈o̠ŗ s̯oͩm͠ȇẗh͞i͚nͭg͇ sͪh̢e̍ c̱o̲u᷂l̘d̜ ụs̯e͘,᷇ o̤n᷊l᷆y̠ t͌o᷉ nͭoͥt̾i᷇c̭ȅ B᷿r͛ȃi̊n̐ G͆h̙o̱sͤt̗ D͋i͇r͛k̴'̶s͖ ḁn͕i̛m̚e̦ s̒w̜o̗rͣd̡ sͭt̂iͪľlͣ lͪy̧i͚n᷿g̶ o͂n᷾ t͞h᷄ĕ g͢r̿o̽u᷇n̜dͣ.̢ S͙h͏e̲ b̟eͥg̖a̴n̺ t̜oͨ l͗eͭv̶ìt̯a͔ṯë́ i̟t̴ o̱f̿f̡ t̤ḩe̬ g̾rͤo᷁u͉n̼d̙.͞

T̜̲᷀h̟ͤ͡e̤ͪ̐ c̣̩͔l͔᷄᷉o͕͑͡c͒͐ͫk᷆̅͟ t̺̤᷊i̸̝᷆ckė̛͍ḍ̜᷇ t̸᷁̍w̖̝͢i̖̫᷄c̿̎͗e͆̓̅ â̔ͅnd̺᷅͑ l̦͟͡a̦̅͂nͫ̊̚d̫̰͂e͕̎͐d̆͑̈́ in t̠̏ͮh̻͈̕ȇ̷̝ m̺̤᷃ĭ̬͆dd͔̈̐ļ̩̺eͨ᷃̎,ͦ͆͘ a͎ͫͭl̟͒̃l͙᷀̿ơ̾ͨw̦̄ͨį̷̿ṅͩ᷃g̥̎ͨ Jake t̝̄͒o̽ͩ̄ r̤᷆ͨi᷈̓ͬs̝͂ͅe̶͉̍ a̮ͪ̂g᷾̄̐a᷿̾̓ḯ͓᷀n̶᷿̅.᷆͑͞ J͎a̤n̅e᷃'̨s̼ t̳r͊i͙dͣe̎n̺t̫ fͤèl͂l̶ o̵uͧt̀ o᷿fͧ h͛i͓s̭ b͉o͂d᷾y̯ a̻n͈d᷃ h᷂iͫt̰ t̤h̰e᷆ g᷇r͙o̓u̇n̶d̟.ͬ'´®

Gamzee k̟ͨͯi̶̶᷅c̨͋̕ḵ̥ͮě̪͛d̖ͦ̎ T̥᷿͐e̟ͪ̓r̬̿̐ė͎̏z᷀᷆̕ḯ͎᷈ i̘ͣ͜n̷͇͙ t̗̤͞ḩ̸͌e̥̗᷈ s̸̵̡t̷̻᷃o᷁᷄͞m̛̊᷆a̹̒͘c̐͢͠ḥ̩̈́ o̯ͫ̋v̨᷾̿e͉̐͜r̞͑᷇ a̰̮̮n͍̫ͬd᷿͐̂ o͚̭͢v͇̟͗e̦ͩ᷈ṟͤ͡ a̭̎ͯģ͆͞a͍͕͝i̖̫͊n̔ͧ᷾,̱̲ͅ c͆̈́̾a̼ͯ̕u̻ͥ̇s͇̙̔ì᷃͢n̮̆̆g̙᷿͂ h̼ͯ̓ȅ̻̓r̶̵̤ t̿̎̕o͏̸͂ dͨ͏̢ỏ̱̤u̷ͯͧb̬᷀̿l̼᷃ͯê̝͢ o̳̿͂v̞̽᷅e̫̯᷆r̺̫̚ î̂̕n̻̓ͣ p̟̺᷾ǎ̫᷉i̠̔̃n̪͙͂.͎ͩ͊ He pushed h᷂᷉͋e̡̟̍r t´ø t᷅hͥe̅ gͧr̍oun̦d͝ a̼n͉d͑ b̈́a᷄sͪh̼e͒d͋ h̷ęr̽ fͫa̎c̘e̶ āg̵ḁǐn͠s᷾t̟ t̹ḥe̽ c͟ǫnͦc͔ŕe͌t᷄ĕ.̭

**ROSE: GAMZEE!**

**ROSE: STOP THAT!**

**ROSE: Or, wait. **

**ROSE: Is this some sort of blackrom thing? **

**ROSE: I certainly hope not.**

**ROSE: Think, Lalonde. Think! **

**ROSE: What did Kanaya tell you abȯu᷂ṯ t᷾h̼iͫs̓ q̹u͋adrant? **

**ROSE: Does it really involve such gr̩̝̈́͂̃̆͠u̻̦͔᷾͒ͯ͢e̵̩̩̻̾᷅͝s̸͎᷀ͮ̿ͨ́o͚̙̙̲̽̾͝m̫̺̣̈́᷇̿᷇e̷̺̠ͣͪ̇͆ f̸̤͔͖᷀̍͐ȉ̡͖̎ͫͦͪș́͌̾᷁͆ͩt̮͍ͧ̐̃᷆͏ị̥̌᷾ͨ͟͠cuffs? **

**ROSE: I... **

**ROSE: I can't remember! **

**ROSE: I was probably drunk during that particular lesson. **

**RǪ̵͖̋̿̀̎S̴̺̹̯͕̾̂E̲͙᷄᷆̓ͧ͆:͎̣ͬ̒ͫ̈́͋ W̛̰͎͎͕̍͠ḩ̫͐̽᷉̔͢a̾ͩ̂͏̛᷂̓t̴̨̡᷿̮̰͊ ȧ̸᷿̫̹̕͢m̻̼̠ͣͦ͜͡ I̷̟᷊̊͐̽͝ s̝̾ͧͫͤ̈́̓a̻̹͗᷄ͭ̾͝y̧͈̰᷁̎͆ͅį̡̘᷁̑̂͝n̷̲͑̍͆ͩ͘g**

**ROSE: I was drunk for all the lessons! **

**ROSE: Ugh, what a disgrace. **

**ROSE: I am the actual worst auspistice who ever lived. **

**ROSE: THE ACTUAL WORST!**

**R̐O̫S̞E᷉:᷾ Î w͞a᷿s̓ d̈́r̭ûn̯k͛ f͕ōr̹ a̛l͙l̤ t̬h̙e᷾ l̯eͨs͇s͞o̍ṉs͘!̚**

**R̯O͍S᷆Ě:̣ U̐gͮh̤,̨ w᷄h̤aͮt͍ a̝ d̎i͐s̺g᷈r͓a̒c̤e͚.̈**

**R̅O͟S᷂E͂:͈ Iͥ a̦mͮ t̶h̴ẻ a͡c̗tͫu̽a᷃l̦ wͦo͎rͤs̄t̺ a̴u͖sͅp͓i͒s͆t᷄i̚c͟e̦ w͗h͛o᷾ e͡v͢ḛr̮ l͒i͗v̀e͋d̶.**

**R̀O᷀S̫E͉:̂ ṰH͆E̞ ȂC̞T᷂UͫA͕L᷈ W᷿Ö́R᷁S᷿T̋!ͬ!᷉!**

G̋͛͜ḁ᷿͊m͌᷀ͅz̬͖͢ë͉͖eͤ̋͗ f̬̓ͅl̾͋̓i̛͛ͧp̏ͭ̋p̛̔ͥè̲᷃d̮͚͘ T̙᷁͠e̶̟͙r̷̛̗e̯̅ͧz̟̮̄i͎̓̋ bac˚wardsṣ᷾͢ i̠̕͜nͦͥ͒t̨̪̽o̞͂ t̵̶͝ḩ̝̍e̖͉̦ a̶̡̜i͓᷿̅r̖᷃̾.̨͆̊ J᷈͐ͨȧͦ͗k̫̐᷁e͚̎̾ t̤͜͜o̺ͩ͛o͋̿̊k̰᷉᷆ aͧͦ᷾ s̩̥̚t̘͈᷅ë̃ép̒̑͜ ă̶̜w͎̹̎a͛͆̆y̱̗ͮ f̸̤͛r᷉̎̚o͆͂͜m̛̗͑ t̩̤ͯh̝ͭ̌e͔̫ͣm͍̪̮.̸̲ but was acc̽o᷃sͪtͪe͏d̓ b̞y̿ G᷇a̺m͂z̖e᷊e's clown troll boner. The pair flipped backwards, together this time, and then were suplexed͇͔̋ ȋ̘͠nͣ̌̈t̯᷊͉o̢̿͋ t̀̔͋hͨ̔̉e̢̪̕ a͌̅̕ir. T̍h̆e͢ir heads hit the ground together, and their fronts faced upwards in an ato͜mͣi̺c̉ d͑o̍ṳb̹l̢e͖ j᷿u͙g͌g͖a̮l᷆o̴ b͏a̼c͖k̄b̏r͉e͆a̅k͝e᷊r̅. The block split where their heads hit the concrete and Jake was separated from Terezi and Gamzee. Terezi fell into the crack toward̽̿̚s̺̘̋ t͇̙ͩh̜͑̾e͈͊᷈ l̖̮᷆a̛͈͖v̦ͯ͒a̜̗͓.̔᷁͝ T̈̌᷇h͈̥̒e̯͑̈ t́̃͊r̪̎̽i̸̝͎ḏ̊ͣẹ̈ͦn̷̨̗t̶ͮͅ f̴͆᷄e᷿̊ͮl̳ͧͯl̠̤ͭ down too˘.

**K̡͘͡Â̵̈RK̻̲ͭA̤̚͡T᷊͖͌:̙̊̎ TER̫̋᷈E̷᷇ͨZ̴᷇̊Í.ͭ..**

**K̨ARͬKA᷁T᷉:̓ NÖ**

As the trident disappeared into the lava, so did the miniature Skaia on the end. As lava encapsulated it, visions could be seen in the clouds.

Aranea levitating the sword towards her to use against Jane; Rose glaring down at Gamzee angrily; PM and Bec Noir flying Jade to her quest bed; Karkat wielding his rainbow and Kanaya her chainsaw to attack Gamzee with…

Gamzee grabbing hold of Terezi's hand, saving her from falling into the lava. And glitches. Ǵl᷾i̺t᷂cͪhͣes everywhere. Jake looked up at Gamzee, who was holding Terezi above the lava by her wrist.

**JAKE: Pardon me...**

**JAKE: Sir jester?**

**JAKE: I dont know what this masked bandit has done to deserve such a throttling...**

**JAKE: Something sufficiently felonious i presume?**

**JAKE: But it is hard to imagine she has not been punished enough and then some.**

**JAKE: Perhaps you could um...**

**JAKE: If its not much bother...**

**JAKE: See to...**

**JAKE: Unhanding the lady?**

**JAKE: Maybe?**

**GAMZEE: ;o)**

**ROSE: ENOUGH!**

She pointed her wand at Gamzee.

**ROSEͥ᷅͞:̫᷂̞ I̸͆̊ d͇̣̾o᷊᷊᷾n̦̋̿'̖ͫͨt͇͊̒ c̔̊̇a̡ͭͤr͔̼͑ẹͩ̔ i̵̦͟f̍͟͝ i̶ͩ᷁t͂᷉͜ I̸̷͑S᷂͐͐ s͇͙͢o͊͆ͫm̧̮̈́ȅ̌̌ s̓͆͜o̝̩᷃r̸᷈̑t̤̺̉ ō̷͡f̱͋ͨ g̣ͧ᷄r̈ͮ̍i̩̲͛s̢͐ͧl̝̎ͨy̍̉͡ ć́͘o̸̫͙u̔̓̍r̘̅͟t̗̬̾s᷿̚͝hͧ̓̈i͎᷁̚p͕᷈͞ r̥̭ͤi̧̓ͯt͆̂᷇u̧̩᷇ȧ͉̬l̰̃͟.̸̅͆**

**R̾̇᷆Ŏ̢͟S̢̱ͮE̻͎͎:͕̻̕ T̢̛̂H͇̥̒Ĩ͙̮S̵̼̕ H̡͈͡A̓̊̇S̥̻͚ T̀᷄ͅȌ̝͟ S͕̪͋T͔̽᷉O̡᷊ͤP̠̌̅!̞̎̃**

G̫a᷅ṃz̑ȩe͜,̋ s̵t̻ïl̺lͤ cͧṛaͤz̧e̝d͒ a͍n͚d̺ ģr̀i̢n̄ņi̾n͉g̺ c̢a̐p᷇r̔ḯc̈́i͆o̚u᷈s̮l̛ý,͜ p͂u̡l̈́l̎e̽ḓ T̄eͯr̭e͜z̢i̮ b᷅a͂c᷅k̆ u̓p᷀,͙ fͥl̕i᷈p͞p͟iͪnͩg͡ h̐e̘r͖ o̰v̜ěr̈́ h̆i᷃m̈ s̄oͯ t͐h͑a̬tͬ h̦ẽ c̜o̞ȗl͡d̼ l᷇a̹n̟d͟ b̏e͂h̵īn͎d̆ h́e͙r̓.᷂ A̡t̥ ţh᷅e̊ hͤe̦i͊g᷄h̫t̍ óf́ t͙h̕e͒ f̖l᷁ỉp̡,̫ R͠oͫs͔e̎'̧s͏ b͟e̽a̮m͘ f᷈r̔o̚m͌ h̡e᷂r̝ w̦ānͯd͘ fͪl̎e͊wͮ r̜ĩģh́t̾ ṯh᷿r᷈o͎u̚g͇hͭ b᷾y̥ t̗h͘e᷉ǐr̸ h̿a̓n̯d̚s̍,͓ h̤iͮt̲t̴i̩n᷁gͧ t̃h᷄e͏ p̎i̱e͈c̥e̕ o᷂fͧ J͖a͟d͡eͬ'͚s᷆ t̐o̥wͥēr͆ b̮e͖yͯoͪn͙d̓ (ͯt̛h̻e̡ o͂ṋeͥ o᷈n᷈ w͒h᷊i͛cͦhͬ J᷾ãk᷁eͫ w̮a̢s᷉ s̼t̆aͪn̉ďi͎n̝g͈)̱ and sending Jake flying backwards, thankfully unscathed. Gamzee gripped Terezi's hand tighter as her weight shifted back onto the block, and she reached for her ca᷈nͫe᷄ s᷿w̺o͈rͩd̘ j̺u̐s᷂t͞ aͫṡ A͇r᷊a͈ṉeͬa̠ w̶a̶s̜ r͆eͧạc̐h̵i͓n᷃g̏ fͯo̺r᷉ D́i̇r͡k͞'ͅsͅ.͈

Dirk's sword rose further into the air. G͓᷂̯â̫̆m͍̿ͮz͌̍͟e̺e̵̴᷁ p̨᷊ͫư͍̽l̴̪̗l̹̳͂e͈͗̓d̼̣᷅ T͉̬͐ẽ̬̳rezi̻᷄᷁ b̢̹ͧa͈͊͘c͓̦̱k̮̜͌,̷̔͞ s͈̅͢o̗̊᷁ t̴͍᷄h͙ͨ̽a̶̪̓t̋̓᷇ s̭͉͆he̫̠᷈ c̯͛͗oͦ᷃͞uͤ᷄̊l͖͝͞d͚᷉͒n̫͂ͨ'̻̦̯t̴͆͜ g̦̔ͅr͍᷉ͬa͚ͪͬb̧̤ͨ her s̊᷀̉ẅ́̆͢ö́᷾̉r̼͊̍ḋ̯̑.͚͍᷀ H͍̜̉e̶̔͐ w͕ͬ̿r̙̯̕apped̼͔ͤ h͉̍̚i̦̮̮s͉ͪ̆ a̒᷈͒r̞ͧ͜m͉᷅͗ a̸᷉͌ṙ᷊̅o͋̎ͥu̖᷅̚n͇ͥ᷆d̳̜̊ h̶͛̊e̞̗̾r̡͗͡ n̲̂᷀e̩̍͐č᷾͟k̍́̓ i̟ͭ᷾n̑͆ͅ a̤̪͕ h̴̥̜e͖ͥ̉a̫ͧͬd͎ͨ͆l͖̘ͅŏͦ᷃c̬̄ͧk̨̜̏.̝ͦ

**K̔A̵RͧK̝A̜T̅:̛ O̞Ḧ́ *̓*̛*̶*̡*͢*̿H᷀E̵L̚L͘*ͮ*̏*̓*᷀*͝*ͪ N̑O̦**

**K̛A͈R͎K̚A̘Tͥ:̏ L͗E̼T͡ HͣE̚R͎ G̲O͍ TͣH͙ĮS̸ *̶I̘N͏S᷄T̶A̐NͩT̯*̡ Y̽O᷀U͝ H̽E̚ḮN̙O̺U̚Sͬ C̀ÕD̹ P̆A̐C͝K̻ĨN̩G̽ S̘H̞I̴T͚ ṂI͈M͛E̽!ͤ**

**K᷉A͛RͬKͅA̲T̽:̤ W᷉E̻ AͥR͇E͟Ṋ'ͬT̀ G᷇O̾N͛N͢A᷂ H᷆U᷁G᷊ IͬT͊ OͮU͆T͟ *ͤT͖H᷆I᷆S͏*ͪ T͋ÌṂE᷉ B̨ŔO᷆,̒ I̠'͏L̈́L͈ T̍EͅL̆L᷃ Y̞O͢U̓ T̢H᷅A͐T͚ M͛U᷃C͢H̉ R̸I̷G̓H̽T᷿ F̃U͟C̳K͡I͇N̓G᷆ ŅO̪Wͬ!̀!̶!̇**

**G᷄A̿M͋Z̎E̢E̽:̸ h̾ôn̟k̋.̅**

Suddenly, Karkat's face grew dark as an object passed overhead. He looked up.

**KARKAT: WHAT THE**

Whatever was in the sky overshadowed Rose too, even though she was on the other side of the lava-filled crater. And it wasn't just them.

**ARANEA: Oh shit.**

The Condesce's battleship had appeared in the sky, with the Batterwitch herself standing on top, hair flowing in the wind and her legs spread apart. She stared down at Aranea angrily, baring her sharp pointed teeth.

Shitty curtains moved slowly in on the scene, covering it up haphazardly.

To be continued in Book 17: ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 3


	287. GIGAPAUSE

This is the point in the comic where Hussie's infamous Gigapause happened. Unfortunately, that will be happening here too. See you all in a year!


	288. Gigapause Update

Gigapause Update:

I'm now transcribing content as I go along; hence I am mostly done with the write-up of EOA6. Did you forget that I was Hussie? That didn't stop being a thing that was true or anything.

So in terms of the novelization "gigapause," that's a bit of a misnomer. As soon as the next newspost goes live, I'm going to start updating this again. It may be a word dump, or it may be an update all-at-once type deal.

In any case, it will be happening soon. Keep your eyes peeled.


	289. BOYMANGA HEAVEN

Oops. I said I'd update along with the newspost, so sorry I forgot. To make up for it I'm posting more than I intended to. Enjoy!

* * *

BOOK THE SAME AS LAST TIME: ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 3

BOYMANGA HEAVEN.

The curtains opened on the anime instruction manual.

**WELCOME BACK. (AGAIN.) YOUR UNIMPATIENCE HAS BEEN APPRECIATED.**

**I CAN ONLY ASSUME. THAT WAITING FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF MY VAUNTED SERIES, "HOMOSUCK". WAS AS TIME CONSUMING FOR YOU. AS IT WAS FOR ME. **

**I HAVE BEEN WORKING MY ASS OFF. LIKE ONE OF YOUR HUMAN MOTHERFUCKERS. AT PERFECTING MY CRAFTS MANSHIP. YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING IF THE FRUITS OF MY LABORIOUS TOIL. WERE EXTREMELY SUCCESSFUL. **

**I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND THE ANSWER TO BE THE FOLLOWING WORD.**

**YES!**

Lil Seb held up a golden trophy with the number #1 on it and Caliborn's face sculpted at the top.

**I HAVE DONE IT. WHERE THE FINE ARTS ARE CONCERNED, I HAVE REACHED THE PINNACLE OF ACHIEVEMENT MOUNTAIN. I STAB MY CANE INTO THE PEAK (LIKE A FLAG), THUS MAKING A SNOWY AVALANCHE. ON TO THE HATERS BELOW! **

**JEALOUS MUCH, FAT ASS?**

**HOW DID I DO SUCH A SENSATIONAL FEAT? YOU ASK.**

**THE MYSTERY TO SUCCESS. LAY HIDDEN AMIDST THE BYZANTINE MANGAS. ALL ALONG. **

**THESE OCCULT WIZARDRIES OF THE BRUSH. PURLOINED FROM COOL SCROLLS OF WISE MEN FROM THE EARTHLING EAST. HAVE BEEN GATHERED FOR MY STUDIOUS PERUSAL INSIDE A SEDUCTIVE TOME. EMBLAZONED WITH A FRIVOLOUS TART. **

**HOWEVER, MASTERING EACH SLY GAMBIT OF THE TRADE. IS NO EASY TASK. **

**AND YET EASILY MASTERING THEM. WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID!**

**THIS FACT IS CALLED A *GAME CHANGER*.**

**TO PROFESSIONALS IN THE BUSINESS, THAT IS. **

**PREVIOUSLY. BEFORE I LITERALLY TRANSFORMED. INTO THE SUPREME DOUJINSHI MAN GAKA, STANDING BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES. I MADE SOME PREDICTABLE PLANS. REGARDING WHAT GOES NEXT IN MY STORY. **

**I GOT EVERYTHING READY. I DREW ALL OF "THE TROLLS". LOOK. ALL OF YOUR FAVORITES ARE HERE. **

**UH…**

**KRABKRAB. HONK FRIEND. CAPE DOUCHE.**

**SMELLY HORSE MAN. OTHER GUY. BULL HORN WIMP.**

**AND LEST WE FORGET. A SALTY ARRAY. OF MISCELLANEOUS BITCHES.**

Caliborn flipped his shitty drawings of the Alternian trolls around and inverted the colors.

**OH. ALSO. THE BEFORE TROLLS. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY**

**SUCH AS IN CASE I WAS IN NEED. OF MORE FICTITIOUS IDIOTS TO MURDER. INSIDE MY DRAWINGS.**

**BUT THESE PORTRAITS ARE NOW A MOOT POINT. ALL OF THIS WRETCHED TRASH. GOES IN THE PLACE WHERE IT BELONGS. WHICH IS TO SAY, THE *GARBAGE*. **

He dragged all twelve Alternian trolls into the trash can on his drawing tablet.

**THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE AN ARTIST. SOMETIMES YOU CHANGE YOUR IDEA PLANS. BECAUSE THEY SUDDENLY SEEM TERRIBLE. DUE TO YOUR ASTRONOMICAL STRIDES IN CREATIVE MASTERY. **

**THESE WERE THE PIXEL PUPPETS. OF A LAUGHABLE AMATEUR. THEY ARE BENEATH ME NOW. MUCH LIKE YOU ARE. **

**BUT IN SPITE OF ALL OF YOUR BAD SHORTCOMINGS. I WILL LET YOU OBSERVE MY ARTISTIC BREAKTHROUGHS. BECAUSE OF HOW PROUD OF THEM I AM. AND WATCHING PEOPLE BE IMPRESSED AT MY DRAWINGS. EVEN DUMB JERKS. MAKES ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT MYSELF AND MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS.**

**BEHOLD, MY EXCLUSIVE PRIVATE GALLERY.**

Caliborn navigated to **I-AM-YOUR-LORD**'s page on DeviantArt.

**ABRA CAFUCKING DABRA YOU NASTY SHITNERDS. READ IT AND WEEP! (AND TELL ME HOW GOOD YOU THINK IT ALL IS. THANKS.)**

**OK, THAT'S ENOUGH ADMIRATION. BACK TO OUR STORY.**

Caliborn pulled up a drawing of anime Dave's face and shoulders. Over it he'd written "**COPYRIGHT. DO NOT STEAL.**"

**LOOK WHO JUST SWAGGERED INTO YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. IT'S GOD'S GIFT. TO "THE YAOIS". MY RESEARCH TELLS ME. GET A LOAD OF THOSE BABY REDS.**

**YOU MAY RECOLLECT. THAT THIS BLUSHING BISHONEN DREAM BOAT. ****IS OUR ALPHA MALE.**

He pulled up another drawing of Dave, one hand to his bright red cheek. He held his glasses in the other. Over it he'd written "**THIS IS MY PROPERTY****."**

**NOT THAT I BLAME YOU FOR NOT RECOGNIZING HIM. FROM HIS ONCE PREVIOUSLY ODIOUS VISAGE, OF BEFORE. **

**BUT NOW, BY MY SKILLFUL HAND. THIS GORGEOUS MALE HERO. HAS BEEN ALLOWED TO RADIATE. WITH THE SUPREME DIVINITY. OF BOYMANGA HEAVEN.**

He pulled up a third anime-esque drawing he'd done of Karkat and Dave, facing each other. The drawing was watermarked with a massive copyright symbol.

**OH MY. WHAT HAVE WE HERE? DON'T LOOK NOW. BUT ANOTHER BASHFUL BISHIE APPROACHES THE STAGE. **

**IT'S OUR TROLL MALE. KRAB GUY. QUITE A TEMPER, THIS ONE! HE BELLOWS HIMSELF HOARSE DAILY. AT OUR SMART TALKING. GIVE NO FUCK. ALPHA MALE. **

**THESE MOE BROS PUT THE PAL, IN PALPABLE CHEMISTRY. THE KIND OF WHICH IS BAD, AS WELL AS EROTIC. THE SAGE ELDERS OF MANGA DESCRIBE THE QUADRANT THEY OCCUPY, AS I QUOTE "TSUNDERE". IT IS A TEMPESTUOUS LIAISON OF MUTUAL GRIEVANCE. AND YET, DEEP DOWN. THEY KNOW IN EACH OTHER'S HEART THAT THEY ARE SOLID DUDES.**

He moved Karkat closer to Dave and had him place his gray hand on Dave's red caped chest. He watermarked the drawing with the words, "**STEP OFF**."

**OK. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. THIS IS WRONG. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? THE TOUCHING. THE TENDERNESS. I KNOW IT. YOU KNOW IT. LET'S NOT PLAY A GAME WITH EACH OTHER. WHERE, PER CHANCE, ARE THE BITCHES? I CAN HEAR YOU ASK. YOU RAISE AN EXCELLENT POINT.**

He drew Karkat's face with closed eyes and flushed cheeks, sweating, and Dave reaching towards him tenderly. The page was watermarked with various smaller copyright symbols.

**BUT HEAR ME OUT! THE MANGAS PLAY BY DIFFERENT RULES. YOU'LL AGREE WITH THIS. WHEN YOU HEAR THE FACTS OF MY RATIONALE. **

**NATURALLY SUCH MAUDLIN DISPLAYS. OF TOUCHING AND SIMPERING. HAVE NO PLACE. WHERE ONLY COCKSURE, MASCULINE GENTLEMEN ARE PRESENT. **

**HOWEVER. BY THE MAN GAKA'S ILLUSIONRY. HE CHANGES EVERYTHING! WHERE BEFORE OUR MALES WERE COARSE. CHISLED. AND CRUDELY ANGULAR. BUILT FOR PRIME TIME. LIKE A FUCKING GARBAGE TRUCK. PLOWING THROUGH THE WALL. OF AN INDUSTRIAL BEEF MILL. SO CUT. SO *MAXED OUT*. THAT THEY COULD ONLY PROVOKE INSIDE A YOUNG MAN. THOUGHTS OF *RAW POWER*. NEVER DEBAUCHERY! **

**UNTIL NOW, THAT IS. BECAUSE OF MANGA. AND ITS INHERENT CAPABILITY TO TRANSFORM ALL THAT IS HARD AND CRUEL. INTO FIGURES OF SUBLIME BEAUTY. I FIND THIS ARTIFICE TO BE. MUCH LIKE THE SIREN SPELL OF THE TRICKSTER. YET, IMPOSSIBLY. EVEN MORE HAUNTING IN ITS ALLURE. I MUST SAY. THE ARTISTIC PLOY. IS INGENIOUS.**

He drew them again, staring at each other with bright red anime eyes. He drew their mouths on the sides of their faces and watermarked it over with a lot of small copyright symbols.

**IT OPENS UP SO MANY POSSIBILITIES. TO THE FIEND OF INDECENT SMUT. WHERE BEFORE, IT WAS ALL BUT IMPOSSIBLE. TO RENDER TRULY *****SENTIMENTAL***** IMAGERY, WITHOUT RESORTING TO BABES AND BIMBOS GALORE. DUE TO THE UTTERLY UNACCEPTABLE HAPPENSTANCE WHERE IN MACHO GUYS ARE PHYSICALLY POIGNANT WITH EACH OTHER. WHICH TO REASONABLE MEN IS THE MOST UNWELCOME PERSUASION OF LECHERY. OR THAT IS, IT WAS... **

**UNTIL NOW! **

**LOOK HOW SMART THIS HOAX IS. THANKS TO MANGA. SEE. THROUGH THE ELEGANCE OF BEAUTY AND FINESSE. IT SOFTENS THE UNCOUTH MALE EXTERIOR. BEVELING THE ANGLES OF PURE MUSCLE. TAMING HIS INCREDIBLE ANGRINESS. AND BY THE FLUSHING OF CHEEKS. THE DEWING OF BROW. THE GLASSING OF EYES. ONE BRINGS OUT OF ANY BRUTE, HIS TRUE INNER BISHIE. WHICH ACTUALLY IS MANGANESE. FOR A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DUDE. **

**IF YOU'RE CONFUSED, BASICALLY THE IDEA IS. YOU PRETEND THEM TO LOOK MORE LIKE GIRLS. TO MAKE IT LESS WEIRD FOR EVERYBODY WHEN THEY DECIDE TO TOUCH EACH OTHER. I MEAN. IT IS REPULSIVE TO WITNESS. DO NOT GET ME WRONG. BUT YET, IT REMAINS…**

He drew their hands together with intertwined fingers and watermarked with the words "**ARTWORK BY CALIBORN**."

**MAGICAL IN ITS FORBIDDENALITY.**

**OH, BUT WHAT'S THIS?**

He drew Nepeta on her hands and knees in a skimpy outfit. He wrote "**COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL. PROTECTED BY ****LAW****.**" over it.

**AN AMOROUS FEMALE SASHAYS INTO THE SEXUAL PICTURE. TO SPOIL THE BOY FUN. IT'S NONE OTHER. THAN WHAT'S HER FACE.**

He drew her winking, and covered it with registered trademark symbols.

**DON'T BE DECEIVED. BY THE FACT THAT THIS FELINE FLOOZY IS TOO UNIMPORTANT FOR ME TO BOTHER NAMING. THIS IS AN *ORIGINAL CHARACTER*. WHO SHALL NOT BE STOLEN. PLEASE RESPECT MY PROPERTY. **

**THIS SACCHARINE TWIT HAS SOME INTERESTS, WHICH INCLUDE. **

**1\. GIGGLING. **

**2\. MAKING ME PUKE. **

**3\. USING CAT WORDS, INSTEAD OF NORMAL WORDS. **

**4\. SERVING NO PURPOSE. **

**5\. WEARING STUPID CLOTHES. **

**6\. PROBABLY SMELLING HORRIBLE.**

Next, he drew her vomiting blood, watermarking the drawing the words "**SEE YA.**"

**7\. GETTING MURDERED IN DRAWINGS. UM, CAN SOMEONE SAY OWNED? MOVING ON.**

He pulled up a picture of Terezi in a "draw me like one of your French girls" pose, wearing only a bra with her symbol on it and yoga pants. Over it he typed "**THIS IMAGE IS THE PRIVATE BELONGING OF A PROFESSIONAL**."

**WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL. WHAT HAVE WE HERE? "HELLO BOYS", THIS PLUCKY STRUMPET SEEMS TO SAY WITH HER EYES. SHE IS LOOKING TO HORN THE FUCK IN. ON OUR TWO TOP DOGG'S ILLEGAL PASSION PARADISE. SHE IS NO DOUBT HOPING FOR... *MUCHAS SMOOCHES***

**FAT CHANCE SISTER!**

He drew her removing her glasses. She wasn't blind for some reason. Over it he watermarked the word "**MINE**" over and over again with copyright symbols between each instance of it.

**"IDIOT GIRL NUMBER WHATEVER" LIKES:**

**1\. TOTAL FAILURE. **

**2\. GETTING FRIEND ZONED BY QUALITY MALE HONCHOS. **

**3\. LIVING IN PERPETUAL DISGRACE. **

**4\. BEING A COMPLETE FUCKING THIRD WHEEL TO SOME COOL BOYS. **

**5\. NOT BEING WORTH THE ALPHA MALE'S TIME OF DAY. **

**6\. NOT BEING WORTH THE KRABKRAB'S TIME OF DAY.**

**7\. NOT BEING WORTH ANYTHING. (A.K.A. "WORTHLESS")**

He drew Terezi with blood gushing from her eyes and mouth and wrote "**FEEL FREE TO STEAL THIS ONE.**" over it.

**BYE.**

**HERE COMES ANOTHER PRIME O.C. OF MINE, HOT OFF THE PRESS.**

It was Vriska, rendered with massive breasts and tossing some blue dice into the air. Over this drawing were the words "**REGISTERED WITH THE GOVERNMENT AS MY LEGAL ARTISTIC POSSESSION.**"

**NOT TOO SHABBY, RIGHT? YOU CAN JUST TELL THIS "LUCKY LADY" IS BRIMMING WITH CHUTZPAH. ME THINKS SHE WILL BE A VERY CONTROVERSIAL CHARACTER. WITH EXCESSIVE COMPLICATIONS. AND AMBIGUOUS MORAL STUFF. IN HER PERSONALITY BULLET POINTS. **

**HER TRAITS AND OTHER SUCH CHARACTER THINGS. WILL BE A LOT TO LIST. WHICH IS FINE, BECAUSE IT WILL HELP YOU BELIEVE MY CREATION IS MORE INTERESTING. IN FACT. THIS IS ONE SUCH ADVANTAGE OF DOMINATING ALL KNOWN MANGA AS I HAVE DONE. WHEN YOU'RE THIS GOOD, AND BRILLIANT. YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY NEED TO "TELL STORIES" ANYMORE. YOU CAN JUST MAKE SOME CHARACTERS. AND LIST THEIR VARIOUS QUALITIES EXTENSIVELY. AND THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH. **

**THE MANY. MANY INTRIGUING PERSONAL FACTS. OF THIS TRUCULENT FEMALE PROVOCATEUR. SHALL BE LISTED EXTENSIVELY.**

**AS FOLLOWS:**

He drew Vriska with her head separated from her body, blood gushing from her neck. He watermarked it with "**PSYCHE-OUT!**"

**SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO BE RELEVANT. KEEP DREAMING BITCH!**


	290. SELF INSERT

**SELF INSERT**

**IT THINK WE'VE WASTED ENOUGH TIME ON THESE NOBODIES. DON'T YOU? LET'S DROP THE BULLSHIT. AND STOP FUCKING AROUND. **

**YOU ARE PROBABLY WONDERING. "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS MAYHEM?" YOU ASK.**

**UH OH. HERE HE COMES.**

He drew a pair of legs, one a golden cue stick, and the ends of a scarf. What was above the waist of this magnificent being was yet to be seen. Over it he wrote "**HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE…**"

**DON'T LOOK NOW. BUT IT'S NONE OTHER. THAN THE BIG MAN HIMSELF.**

**DAAAAAAAAAAAMN.**

He zoomed in on his drawing's face. It was a tall white male, one eye torn down the middle in a scar. Green wings stuck out of other side of his body and he wore a multicolored scarf and a green jacket. The entire figure crackled with the energy of the Green Sun. He covered this drawing with the words "**JUST. DAMN.**"

**WHO YOU ASK, IS THIS BROODING BEAUTIFUL DUDE? **

**THIS IS YOURS TRULY. MY SELF INSERTION GUY. WHICH IS MY PREROGATIVE TO DO AS AN ARTIST. I LEARNED THIS FROM MY "MASTER". THE WISE ASSED GHOST WHO HAUNTED MY COMPUTER. HE WAS THE BEST THERE WAS AT STUFF LIKE THIS, HE TOLD ME ONCE. TRULY, HE WAS QUITE THE PIECE OF SHIT.**

**SERIOUSLY. CAN I GET A GOD DAMN?**

He zoomed out to see more of the self-insertion drawing. In his hand was a golden cane. The drawing was watermarked with "**HOLY SMOKES!**" and cartoon drawings of his own face.

**ASK ANY DECORATED SCHOLAR TO THE SCHOOL OF MANGA, AND HE WILL SAY. BEFORE YOU STANDS THE YAOIEST MOTHERFUCKER WHO EVER LIVED. ALL THINGS ABOUT THIS GORGEOUS BASTARD TELL YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. THIS IS A MAN OF CLASS AND STYLE. **

**HE IS DRESSED TO KILL. (LITERALLY! HAHA, YESSS.) LOOK AT THIS FANCY DAN, STRUTTING HIS STUFF AND DAPPER AS FUCK. YOUR BOY HERE PEACOCKS HARD AT HONIES APLENTY, NEGGING THE BITCHES AND CLOSING THE HOES IN A COAT THAT IS FIT FOR A LORD. LOOK AT THAT GOD DAMN COAT. I DON'T KNOW HOW HE GETS THAT COAT? PROBABLY DUE TO A SHENANIGAN THAT TAKES PLACE LATER. I DOUBT IT MATTERS THAT MUCH. IT LOOKS GREAT THOUGH, AND I LOVE IT.**

**ALSO, HOW ABOUT A HAT?**

**SURE, WHY NOT. THE HAT IS NOT CANONICAL TO MY FANON, BUT I DO NOT SEE THE HARM IN SUCH A DIGNIFIED ACCESSORY. **

Caliborn dragged a fedora to his drawing's head, topping off the picture with a watermark of his eyes and below it "**FUCKING INCREDIBLE****.**"

**AH YES, PERFECT. WHO COULD EVER BE ACCUSED OF BEING AN ASSHOLE WHILE WEARING THAT? NOBODY. **

**OH, ALSO. SICK NASTY GREEN ELECTRICITY WINGS? FUCKING CHECK. I THINK WE ARE GOOD TO GO HERE.**

**BIG MAN: HOLLER FOR YOUR WOMAN.**

John appeared in a blue flash of light behind where Caliborn was scribbling furiously on his tablet.

**HIS WOMAN, THAT ELABORATE TRAMP FROM THE SURFACE OF THE TOME, HUSTLES TO THE SIDE OF HER DEBONAIR HOT SHOT. "MY'LADY" HE DOFFS RATIONALLY. THE MAN BRIMS WITH INTELLECTUAL IDEAS SHE WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. HE KNOWS MANY THINGS, ABOUT THE WORLD, AND BEING STRONG. BUT YET... HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE IS. THE GODDESS OF MANGA, PERHAPS?**

**IT IS NO MATTER. SHE MUST BOW DOWN BEFORE HER LORD. AS MUST YOU ALL SOME DAY.**

**GODDESS OF MANGA: BOW DOWN.**

John tilted his head to the side.

**SHE BOWS BEFORE YOU SUBMISSIVELY IN A SUBSERVIENT MANNER. EVERYTHING IS CORRECT ABOUT THE SITUATION. YOU THINK SHE'S REALLY ATTRACTIVE, AND IT MAKES YOU FEEL WEIRD PHYSICALLY. AND YET, UNLIKE YOUR SISTER, SHE KNOWS HER PLACE. AND HAS NO OPINIONS OR WORDS TO REMARK ABOUT. **

**I MEAN... **

**NOT TO IMPLY THAT ANY OTHER ASPECT OF HER IS LIKE YOUR SISTER. LIKE BEING ATTRACTIVE. WOW. WHAT? READ INTO STUFF MUCH? YOU DECIDE YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS. YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS TOPIC STARTING AS OF IMMEDIATELY. **

**ALL IS WELL AND IDEAL AGAIN, WITHOUT YOU BLURTING OUT UNNECESSARY SEXY SCANDALS. IT IS ALMOST A BIT. *TOO* IDEAL, YOU THINK. **

**"HMM."**

**SOMETHING IS A MISS.**

**JOHN: hey.**

**YOU GO IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK. AT THE EYES OF THE HANDSOME BOY'S APPEARANCE. AND NOTICE A WORRISOME DISCREPANCY. **

**NO, THIS IS ALL WRONG, YOU FROWN. THESE GLASSY RED PEEPERS, LOVELY THOUGH THEY ARE. ARE NOT YOUR LORD'S FINAL FORM. OH NO.**

**HIS EYES ARE SUPPOSED TO FLICKER ABOUT.**

Caliborn filled his character's eyes with flashing lights.

**WITH THE HAT FLAVORS. OF MY LOYAL FROG PUPPET GUYS. **

**LEGEND DEMANDS, THIS IS A TRAIT OF SUPREME INVINCIBILITY. OWED TO A FULL BODY UNION. WITH THE CLOCKWORK MAJYY. MAYJYJ. MAKJACK. **

**THE CLOCKWORK BULLSHIT. **

**I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN YET. BUT MAYBE WE'LL FIND OUT... **

**TOGETHER?**

**JOHN: HEY ASSHOLE, I'M TALKING TO YOU!**

**...**

Caliborn turned around slowly. They stared at each other, John glaring angrily and Caliborn leaning on his golden cuestaff.

**...**

ANOTHER INTENSE STAREDOWN.

**...**

Caliborn stared at John.

**...**

John stared at Caliborn angrily.

**...**

Caliborn stared at John.

**...**

John stared at Caliborn angrily.

**...**

Caliborn stared at John.

**...**

John stared at Caliborn angrily.

**...**

Lil Seb spun around, staring at both of them.

**...**

**JOHN: it's you, isn't it.**

**...**

**JOHN: you're the guy who wrote that horrible story with all the fake daves! **

**JOHN: you're behind all this, aren't you! i dunno how i know that, but i can just feel it! **

**JOHN: you're the one who vriska and her pirate pals are all trying to stop! it was you who put all this into motion in some way i don't really understand! which means you're responsible for like a trillion people dying, and universes blowing up, and all my friends getting scattered around and acting like idiots, and my dad being dead! **

Lil Seb shook his hands and head "no," but John was too caught up in his anger to notice the small robot bunny.

**JOHN: ok, maybe you're not totally responsible for us acting like idiots, most of that is on us! but all that other bad stuff is your fault somehow, isn't it!**

**JOHN: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!**

**LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WE HAVE A HATER.**

**AS YOU CAN SEE, THE FORMER GHOST OF THE MALE HERO HAS COME BACK TO HAUNT ME. THIS IS NOT HIS FIRST UNWELCOME INTRUSION. INTO MY PRIVATE IMPORTANT AFFAIRS.**

**JOHN: who... are you talking to?**

**TECHNICALLY. IT WILL NOT BE HIS LAST EITHER. BUT IT WILL MARK THE FIRST TIME HE IS FORCED TO PAY A TOLL FOR HIS RUDE TELEPORTATION CRIME. **

**OH YES, TODAY HE WILL PAY. **

**WITH HIS TEETH. **

**AND WITH HIS BLOOD.**

**JOHN: um…**

Caliborn picked up his golden cane and smacked it down in his other hand like a bat.

**GAME OVER KID.**


	291. GAME OVER

**GAME OVER**

John stared at the images on Caliborn's screen, accosted by copyright symbols, crappy drawings of Vriska and Dave and Karkat, and obscure watermarks.

**JOHN: what the actual fuck?**

...


	292. Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 3

**Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 3**

Gamzee clutched Terezi around the throat. Karkat clenched his fist and raised his sickle. Kanaya revved her chainsaw.

Meanwhile, the Condesce was controlling Jane to cling to Aranea. Aranea choked and gagged, pulling at her assailant's arm, which was pressed up against her throat.

Rose raised her thorns aggressively. Jake lay on the ground, a blank expression on his face.

Dave landed on top of the tower upon which Jade's quest bed sat, as did Bec and PM. Aranea levitated the sword higher.

Kanaya began to run along the pieces of Jade's tower, leaping across the lava to get to where Gamzee held Terezi in a headlock.

Aranea finally managed to get Jane off of her. Jane flew backwards.

Karkat caught up to Kanaya, and then passed her, taking tremendous strides along the way. Gamzee gave Karkat the middle finger as Karkat jumped at him. The clown pushed Terezi backwards, picked up one of her cane swords, and as Karkat brought his sickle down, caught the offensive arm and stabbed Karkat twice, once through each of the holes in the Cancer symbol on his shirt. He then shoved Karkat down into the lava, where he landed with a splash and was instantly vaporized. His hand reaching upwards towards the sky was the last thing to go under.

Kanaya screamed, as did Gamzee, spraying purple blood all over the place. She ran up and jumped at him.

Aranea flung Dirk's sword at the sleeping Jane, who was standing upright a ways away, but Jake leaped sideways in front of the sword and it stabbed him full in the chest, killing him instantly.

Dave punched Bec Noir in the face, knocking him sideways and causing him to drop Jade's dead body onto the quest bed. Then, he jumped onto the quest bed himself and spun around, holding his sword out defensively as if daring PM and Bec Noir to approach him. The two anthropomorphic dogs looked at each other, then back and Dave and growled in unison, raising their swords.

Aranea angrily flung Jake backwards in Jane, stabbing and killing her as well. The Condesce's eyes flashed in rage.

...


	293. GAME OVER (AGAIN)

**GAME OVER**

John charged Caliborn, but was smacked in the face by the cherub's golden cuestaff. His glasses flew off, but he caught them in midair and readjusted them on his face.

He then punched Caliborn in the stomach again and again, ending by kicking him in the face. Caliborn turned his cuestaff into his AK-pattern rifle but John was too fast for him, grabbing the bottom of the gun and pointing it upwards. Caliborn fired the rifle, but all it did was make holes in the roof of the capsule on his plane. Lil Seb jittered around nervously.

Caliborn swiped his face across John's in a dudebro slap, but John grabbed Caliborn's arm and bit down on it, causing the cherub to scream and grab the back of John's underwear, hiking it up and giving him an atomic wedgie.

John ripped Caliborn's cape in half, causing Caliborn to pout...


	294. Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 3 (Again)

**Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 3**

Kanaya yelled as she charged Gamzee, slicing him vertically in half with her chainsaw. One of half of him remained mirthful, but the other frowned and fell over sideways. Terezi was splattered with blood. Both halves of the clown hit the ground with a thud, rendering Gamzee dead. Kanaya came out the other side, covered in blood.

Dave parried an attack from PM, and then one from Bec Noir, fighting back and forth and all around himself. It wasn't a fight he could put up for very long.

The Condesce aimed a beam of psionic energy downwards at Aradia, who jumped out of the way. The energy beam instead hit the crater of lava and The Condesce moved the beam along the half-demolished trail of Jade's tower. Terezi got knocked sideways. It headed straight for Kanaya.

Dave's arm began to weaken and he became sloppy with his movements. Eventually, he couldn't fend the dogs off any longer and they stabbed him through the torso, Bec Noir from behind and PM from the front. Blood dripped down Dave's body and the sword slipped out of his hand. PM watched as the life drained from his eyes. He collapsed on top of Jade, dying a Heroic death.

The beam of energy the Condesce had shot incinerated Kanaya.

**ROSE: KANAYAAAAAAA!**

John whaled on Caliborn's head, arm around his neck, as Aranea stared up in horror at The Condesce's ghastly figure looming over her. Terezi stared up at the proceedings, her cane sword in hand.

Jake and Jane fell backwards together, impaled on the same sword that had once belonged to their friend. Jake's death was Heroic, while Jane's was Just.

**ARANEA: That's…**

**ARANEA: Fucking…**

**ARANEA: IT!**

She screwed her eyes and twisted her arms in every which direction until she was cerulean in the face from the sheer concentration she was using.

LOLAR flew towards LOFAF—towards The Condesce's battleship—under the guidance and control of the angry Serket. The two planets collided, sending shockwaves rippling throughout both and cracking their surfaces. Fire was everywhere.

The Condesce leaped off of her ship as it was destroyed and Aranea, surrounded by pieces of falling debris and rock, used her powers to pull LOCAH towards them as well. Pissed, The Condesce roared at Aranea and pulled LOHAC towards them.

LOCAH and LOHAC collided, sending massive mechanical constructs and tombs flying through space. Most was incinerated from the force of the impact.

Rose flew up through the debris towards The Condesce, who narrowed her eyes and hefted her trident.

Aranea was distracted by a yell behind her. Terezi was leaping towards her, cane sword outstretched. Aranea yelled angrily and manipulated the sword to stab itself through Terezi's chest. Terezi fell backwards and Aranea smashed her down against the ground.

The Condesce threw the trident at Rose, and the middle prong landed straight in the center of the sun symbol on her God Tier robes. Her thorns were flung out of her hands. The troll empress used her telekinesis to pull her trident back to her before screaming and sending a blast of psionic energy in Rose's direction.

Just before the blast reached Rose, however, Roxy leapt up from where she'd awoken in the clamor, grabbed Rose around the middle, and teleported them both away using her newfound voidy powers.

Terezi pulled the sword out of her torso and yelled up at Aranea, getting unsteadily to her feet.

Meanwhile, however, Aranea had a problem of her own. The Condesce pulled the smug Serket dancestor towards her, grabbing her around the neck when she was close enough. Aranea screamed, terrified.


	295. GAME OVER (?)

**GAME OVER**

John punched Caliborn in the face, knocking him to the ground, before jumping onto him and punching his face back and forth until red cherub blood was everywhere.

But before anything else could happen, John zapped away again, leaving Caliborn on the ground, bloody and bruised. He stretched his arm out to the mouse, wincing in pain, and then clicking the mouse button to close the shittily drawn curtains on Act 6 Act 6 Act 2.

...


	296. Book 17 Chapter 11: Ring Flip

Okay, come on. The content rules on this website (haha I can't even type the name without it giving me shit) are so totally bullshit and that's why everyone's going to AO3. It's a real pain to try to format things and do cool things with this site, so I'm really just trying to wrap things up here and then I'm going to transfer to AO3. This will stay here for posterity but... eugh. Okay, anyway.

* * *

Chapter 11: Ring Flip

The Condesce squeezed Aranea's neck with one hand, grabbing her hand with the ring on it with her other hand. She flipped the ring off, snapped Aranea's neck, and threw her into the fire. Whether she died from the broken neck, the lack of the ring, or the fire, no one knew.

Either way, Aranea's death was Just.


	297. Book 17 Chapter 12: John Returns

Chapter 12: John Returns

John appeared in the B2 Medium, floating near the destroyed planets. He blinked twice before floating around in a circle to see sections of land and destroyed pieces of Jade's house around him.

**JOHN: what the fuck happened here?**

The curtains closed on his face.

To be continued in Book 18: ACT 6 ACT 6 ACT 4


	298. Discontinued?

Hi everyone.

Although I have written the novelization through [S]MSPA Reader: Mental Breakdown, this is actually where Homestuck the Novel's journey ends on . I know it's a little unsatisfying to end the project when I'm so close to finishing, but there are grander things on the horizon. I may finish Homestuck the Novel at some point, and post it on AO3, but don't expect too much.

I've joined the music and scripting teams for Act Omega, a fan project which you all are encouraged to assist (especially if you're an artist; we need more artists). You can find it by searching "Act Omega Homestuck" and clicking the tumblr link (it should be the first or second option). To get in on it, message either myself or the tumblr page and we should get back to you within a few days.

I'm also working on a solo fan album, although I won't be releasing any of that for a long time, and the concept for a web serial novel similar (but certainly much better) than the little Beach intermission I threw into the novelization at some point.

A few other things on the back burner as well. With all this in mind, there is simply no opportunity for me to balance schoolwork with the multitude of projects I have going on without dropping one of them. That, unfortunately, had to be Homestuck the Novel.

What a ride this has been. Thanks for the opportunity.

-Morn; Hussie; Aris; ostrichlittledungeon; HALLOFdoor


End file.
